#this is the kid people tried to convince me that he has zero tech

[ikram1909]

LALIGA POSTING ABT GAVI...STOP HURTING MEE

And it's that class performance he had against RMA he's so so good. Both of his goals were gorgeous too 😭😭

[twoidiotwriters1]

Starcrossed Losers 2.IV (Josh Wheeler xF!Reader)

A/N: I’m sorry it took me so long omg I’m the worst. Let me know if I forgot to tag you or if you wanna be tagged -Danny

Words: 2,022

Series’ Masterlist

Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

Listen to me!

I guess you're all expecting me to say something about what happened. I should, after all, I hid this piece of information from you, not that I owe it to you, but I guess it's confusing...

'More than just a dream...'

Josh and I are still holding hands while we start the tour, and I wish I could say I was feeling bad about it but to be honest I'm still way too drunk on the bliss to be ashamed. I felt bad though, I did promise Nathan a date before everything went to hell. As a matter of fact, he was going to be my homecoming date.

Where to start? Perhaps you'd like to know who Nathan was in my group of friends? Easy.

*Throwback time*

Nathan was the 'popular' of our group. Do you know how there's always that one friend that seems to know everyone for really strange reasons? The one that 'knows a guy, that knows a guy, that has a cousin'... that's Nathan.

He was also the good looking guy of our group. I know I said Alex was attractive, but man, Nathan was the real deal, he had charisma and a great smile, try to beat that when you're sixteen and have zero social skills.

I didn't have a crush on him though, but it was a very well thought decision like I said before, I wasn't going to let someone close to me break my heart, and both Nathan and Alex were too close, so I buried those thoughts about him before I could even consider it.

I never had a thing for him until... well, until he asked me to homecoming. I never knew why he asked me, I mean sure we were good friends but he never tried to make a move (and this is not me being oblivious this is me saying Nathan never even commented on my looks not even once). While I do remember having said to him something along the lines of "you're so pretty you annoy me" one night while I was completely shitfaced.

He laughed it off then, not bringing it up to tease me the next morning. He knew he was attractive and I certainly used to dream about dashing men like him coming to take me out for a ride or a movie, but I never thought that it'd be him the one who would ask me out.

'All the days I waited for you You know the ones who said I'd never find someone like you'

Then the end of the world happened and we never went to homecoming, yet we remained on the same group until one day he just vanished. No notes, no nothing. He left. He was also the first one to go, followed by Aria, then Phillip, then Lily, until we were just Maya, Alex and I, you know the rest.

We heard about Nathan a few weeks later though, the first loner on Glendale (Josh was very good at keeping a low profile, we didn't know he was by himself) and I thought it was a great idea to do the same, you know, follow the loner's path until I had Katie back... and you know how that turned out.

My point is, how was I supposed to know he was going to come back and still ask me for a date? What kind of person does that?

"Here we have the Cheeramazon division," Josh pointed to the sports section of the mall. "We teach sign language for those who are interested in learning, it's also handy for communicating while we're outside on a Ghoulie area..."

"Why're they here?" Nathan asked in a voice that was completely unlike him. "I mean, I know their old place got trashed but why haven't they looked for a new place?"

"They don't have enough people or resources," I replied. "They'll wait here until enough girls decide to join them or until they get enough food to survive on their own."

"And you guys are okay with that?"

"Good relationships with old tribes are everything," I shrugged. "We want to keep it friendly with everyone, we don't want to start another war."

"Really? Because you seemed ready to go out and set houses on fire five minutes ago," Josh replied sternly.

"That's different!" I scoff. "Those kids need our help and you know it!"

"What kids?" Nathan asked in curiosity.

"Are you familiar with the AV club?" I ask him.

"The kids with the podcast?"

"Exactly! They've been kidnapped and I've been trying to convince my tribe to go out and look for them but they refuse–"

"Because we're barely recovering from Triumph," Josh interrupted. "Listen Y/N, we can't be heroes fighting against some kids in suits..."

"Here we have the gamer's layer," I continue, forcing them to leave the subject. "But you don't have to write that down, they're leaving in a few days to their old cave. Been here to help us with some tech stuff..."

"Those over there are the X-jocks," Josh points over a couple of kids playing and exercising at the other side of the mall, "they followed Turbo after he was kicked out. They're no longer Jocks, but they don't want to be called Daybreakers either."

"They don't wanna mingle with all the weirdos, apparently," I roll my eyes.

"We have a healers division, which is coordinated by Y/N," Josh puts a hand on my shoulder and smiles. "She's great... a training division that Wesley and Turbo handle... Am I missing something?"

"The Daybreakers, which are lead by this loser," I look at Josh with a smirk. "He schedules our vigilance system, the hunts– Oh, and the weekly competitions."

"What are those about?"

"We organize tournaments and the awards are free days from working or having to go outside, stuff like that."

"Okay," Nathan nods, writing everything down. "I think that's all..."

"Cool," Someone calls Josh and he looks back at us. "Can you finish the tour on your own?"

"I– Yeah, okay," I reply anxiously. "See you in a while..."

Josh gives me a quick kiss and leaves to where he's needed, leaving me alone with Mister 'U-owe-me-a-date'.

"So..." I awkwardly start.

"I think I owe you an apology," He replies immediately.

"What?"

"I didn't know you and Josh... what I said was completely out of place anyway, who asks that kind of stuff to someone they haven't seen in months? I–"

"Nathan," I stop him, "It's okay, really, you didn't know, it's alright."

"I'm sorry," He repeats, this time calmer. "I ditch you and the group, I just... I don't know, I felt stuck..."

"I get that, we left too, eventually," I shrug. "Went to look for my sister, but... she died."

"Oh," He frowns. "I'm so sorry... was she–?"

"A Ghoulie, yeah," I sigh. "It's okay, I'm better now, I have this place and I have..."

"Josh..."

"I was going to say I have a sledgehammer, but sure," I joke.

He smiles and suddenly I remember why I used to like his smile so much. It really is quite dreamy.

'And you were out of my league All the things I believed You were just the right kind Yeah, you were more than just a dream'

"Those kids..." He mentions. "The AV club?"

"Yeah?" My heart jumps at the mention. "Do you know anything about them? Anything that could help?"

"No, but Josh mentioned kids in suits? I think I've seen them–"

"Y/N!" Josh runs back to us in a hurry. "They found them!"

"What? Who?"

"The AV Club!" He replies.

I try to walk over to the gamer's layer but Josh stops me.

"Wait," He holds me in place. "It's an X-Pug zone."

"That, or the kids in suits want us to believe it is," I point out, "Josh let me go! I want to know where it is!"

"We're not taking anyone there! You know we can't, Y/N! We don't have enough people, who knows how many of those are out there..."

I want to argue back but I know that Josh is right.

"Fine," I let go of his arms and he does the same with me. "Can I at least take a look? Maybe one day we'll go and... and just take a look..."

Josh doesn't need me to end the sentence though, he understands.

"Okay," He starts walking when Nathan speaks up.

"Can I see?"

We turn to see him, both wearing the same confused expression.

"It's just..." He moves his weight from one foot to the other. "I was telling Y/N that I've seen those kids before and maybe... I could talk to Sam, maybe she'd like to help?"

I look at Josh with my best puppy eyes and he sighs in defeat, nodding along.

"Fine..."

Nathan catches up with us and grins at me. What I shame I lost my chance with this guy, he looks like straight out of a fantasy, who knows, maybe he was the one meant to be with me if all this apocalypse stuff never happened in the first place...

'You were out of my league Got my heartbeat racing If I die, don't wake me 'Cause you are more than just a dream'

When we arrive Aria takes me directly to her laptop and points to the image in it. I hear her talk to Nathan for a moment while I see the streets and the directions and since I know the whole city by heart it takes me a minute to memorize the whole thing. I don't tell this to Josh, of course.

"Are you going to leave us alone now?" She asks irritatedly.

"Sure thing, you can leave during the night and I wouldn't even bat an eye at it," I reply, still looking at the screen. "Let me just..."

I pull out my phone and take a picture of the screen, is not perfect but it's quick and it's just in case. Josh gives me a warning look but I smile.

"Thank you for doing this," I step closer to him and put my arms around his neck. "See? It didn't kill us to find out, right?"

If I've learned anything in my short stupid life, is that flattery can take you places... and it distracts a boy's brain faster than anything else.

Josh smiles at me and I know I have his whole attention, so I quickly put my phone away.

"Anyway!" I break the spell and look at the gamers. "You guys did a good job, I'll leave you now. Nathan, let me walk you to the door..."

Halfway to the entrance, Nathan speaks.

"You're so not going to listen to what Josh told you to do. I know it, I can see it in your face."

"How long till I can hear from you and Sam?" I ask him in a business-like voice.

"A day, maybe two?"

"You think she'll help?"

"That if we can push Maya to a side."

"Don't mention my name and you'll have a bigger chance to succeed."

I stop at the door and turn to look at him decidedly.

"You have no idea how much this means to me."

"If you're risking your stay at the mall and your relationship with Josh, I assume a lot," He raises a brow.

"He won't kick me out for this," I roll my eyes.

"He's your leader, Y/N."

I remember that none of our feelings ever stopped Josh from kicking me out the first time. So he's not entirely wrong.

"Don't sweat it," Nathan shakes his head, "I'll do my best to keep everyone happy, just like you've been doing for the last few weeks. Consider this my thank you gift for all the hard work you've been doing, Vinchi."

"Oh," I cringe. "I don't really go by that nickname anymore..."

"Oh, sorry," He pouts. "Just Y/N, then?"

"Unless you have a new nickname for me," I grin.

Nathan tilts his head like he's considering what I'm saying.

"I'll think about it," He smiles.

"I'll see you in two days," I smile back.

'Yeah, you were more than just a dream...'

Taglist.

@letsbe-queer @slythermyg​ @loving-u-3000​ @one-loud-mind

[five-wow]

I WATCHED 10.22. HERE ARE SOME THOUGHTS UNDER THE CUT. i promise they won’t all be in full caps, but i feel i should also warn you that this was not proofread.

the episode is starting! it has started. the start has started.

lots of flashbacks from 10.21 with VERY dramatic music in the background and it’s very much working on me. EMOTIONS.

oh my gosh we’re now getting a flashback (a new one, not “previously on”) to wo fat and victor hesse planning some evil shit with daiyu mei serving them tea and it is EVEN MORE DRAMATIC than the previously on was. i am IMPRESSED. also maybe laughing a little bit, but in a way where i’m genuinely enjoying the extreme “LOOK, THIS IS BAD” of it, gosh.

fun way to remind us of how it all started, with these two planning anton’s extraction! they get to show us bits and pieces from the pilot while we still get something new.

wo fat: “blood. is blood.” hmmm, the show seems to want us to think he has a point but i’m mostly amused this is coming from the ultimate bad guy because yes, that seems about right. (hashtag you don’t owe people anything just because you’re related to them, shuddup.)

daiyu mei looks all shy and awkward when wo fat asks for her input but i’ve decided that’s an act to keep victor underestimating her.

steve and cole are in a car and fjdkfdjk wait catherine is a super code breaker now? idk, she may have displayed some skills that leaned that way in the past, but now she’s suddenly well-known as one of the best in that field even though that’s not even her field as far as we know? i. i don’t mind catherine getting brought up in conversation but this is such an odd way to do it.

“we were together for a buncha years” hahaha, fandom never really knows how to define the start and end of their relationship and it seems steve doesn’t, either.

“she was the one that got away. what’re you gonna do?” well, look sad and frowny while this guy you barely know throws you a somewhat awkward look because you’re suddenly baring your heart to him, apparently! (for real though, i get that people will be upset at this phrasing and i’m sort of thinking this is a lead in to things i won’t like at the end of the episode and that’s bad but for what it’s worth, i don’t mind this at all! she did slip away from him at a time where he thought they were going somewhere else and he’s talking in past tense now.)

cole is worried he ruined steve’s day by bringing up catherine and that’s sweet, actually! seals emotionally supporting seals.

OOF it is TIME for danny to get ABDUCTED. also: i love that steve immediately drops everything, including the very important super secret difficult to arrange meeting to maybe finally get some insight into this cipher that doris left him, to race to wherever danny is in his car. i feel like alerting hpd (or anyone else in five-0 who might be closer) would be a good idea, but it makes a lot of sense for steve to need to Be There himself.

ohhhhh steve continually nearly crashing his truck while yelling for danny but only hearing gunshots over the line is 👌👌👌. THE ANGST. THE TENSION. very good, very good.

the camaro is BURNING. well that’s one way to smack us in the face with the end of an era, damn.

steve is ALSO BURNING because he obviously tried to get inside the car ahhhh.

fjdkf steve calls tani with instruction about cameras and tani asks if everything is okay because he sounds upset and all he says is “danny’s been taken” and that’s how tani an junior find out, poor dears.

steve, instructing hpd: “we’re looking for detective danny williams. you know who he is, my partner, right? we’re looking for him.” YOU KNOW WHO HE IS. MY PARTNER.

steve is already out of breath from sheer stress and he’s just standing around the tech table with the team, my gosh. (I LOVE THIS.)

danny, bloody and chained up and facing his captor, a woman he already knows is very, very dangerous: [makes a joke about exchanging insurance information because they burned his car] (LOVE HIM TOO.)

OOF though, daiyu mei lets danny know she knows he has two kids and the jokes are over because that’s definitely the line with danny, god.

here’s the scene from the one preview clip i watched! i’m really enjoying daiyu mei, by the way. she’s still a totally bonkers way to bring the threat of wo fat back even after he’s dead, but she is genuinely threatening.

“i have the person you care about most in the world” hello yes i’m still yelling about that one and might not stop soon

daiyu mei telling steve not to make the same mistake he did with his father and “allow a loved one to die” is so mean but so good and narratively pretty darn cool.

we’re not even eleven minutes in and we’re already at “come alone, commander, or your friend dies”. [insert that escalated quickly meme]

steve thinks he has zero options except give in to exactly what daiyu mei wants and it’s very unsteve of him but also fits perfectly with the mindset they’ve maneouvred him into over the past few episodes and with DANNY BEING GONE so i like it. i like that steve is very obviously freaking the fuck out.

never though i would say this, but... steve, you should listen to adam. it’s shocking, especially this season, but he is making an actual good judgment.

steve alone in the elevator on the verge of either a panic attack or breaking down crying and curling up into a ball is A LOT.

steve goes to the meeting alone, gets a location and confirmation that danny is alive and then hands over the cipher, and that’s good but also... i mean, for real, if he had just printed some random symbols on a similar piece of paper (maybe even the same symbols but in a different order!) how on earth would daiyu mei have known?

OH. OHHHH. danny does the badass steve-ish thing where he pulls himself up by his shackles to somehow get himself free, holy fuck, yes man.

IT WORKS. knocked out the guard, got the keys, got a gun - damn son. not only do we get worried out of his mind steve, we ALSO get bamf danny, ahhhh.

AND THEN HE GETS SHOT IN THE SHOULDER, which is where all those promo pictures came from obviously, and also means we’re about to tick off the hurt part of h/c in an even bolder font than we already had.

fdjkfdjkfd steve’s litany of comforting little nonsense lines while he’s dragging danny to the car and getting him into it and NOT GETTING BEHIND THE WHEEL BUT STAYING WITH DANNY IN THE BACK is killing me slowly.

fdjkfd steve hugging danny’s bloody face in his lap oh my god

apparently that wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH YET because then they’re at the hospital and steve tells the doctor’s what’s up and they’re about to roll danny away and danny, half dead and according to steve in and out of consciousness, somehow finds the time to try to grAB AT STEVE’S ARM BLINDLY. steve: “hey, i’m with you buddy, it’s okay.” DEAD. NOT DANNY, ME. I AM VERY DEAD.

the entire team is stressed and worried and just dead quiet, watching danny and steve. ohhhh boy.

oh fuck oh fuck steve is praying and red-eyed and furious and telling god “you wanna take somebody? take me. not him, you take me.” and i have a very big massive weak spot for exactly this.

cole comes to find steve to offer to figure out the cipher thing and steve has a very hard time giving a single flying shit and then HANDS COLE HIS GUN. welllll. just letting go of stuff they never would have normally left and right, here. i was kind of expecting steve’s badge to follow.

tani has a lot of good worried moments and i love that.

danny is out of surgery!!! steve gets to see him!!!

oh GOD we get a sad version of all for one while steve is in danny’s hospital room and grabs danny’s hand and i am. oh. oh. not okay.

STILL ONLY JUST PAST THE HALFWAY POINT OF THE EPISODE.

it’s honestly kind of weird that cole has this much screentime (i know he was supposed to be back for the season 11 that will never happen, but with the way things turned out that’s not very relevant anymore in story), but i mind it less than i thought i would have. i like him, and i’m glad he has quinn with him now, because i always want more of her.

danny wakes up and his slightly loopy conversation with steve has me fjdkfdjkfd. d: [says you’re supposed to be happy when a patient wakes up] s, like he might still be about to cry: “i’m happy.” d: “yeah? yeah, me too.”

steve is hurting and blaming himself for everything (very in character) and danny tells him he’s already annoying and that if he had a dollar for every time steve saved his life he’d have like twenty bucks (also very in character) and i’m glad for that bit of comic relief and they need it, too, but somebody also needs to give steve a good shake until the thought that this is on him leaves his head. if anyone except daiyu mei is responsible here, it’s doris. blame doris, jfc.

danny, after nearly dying and only just waking up in the hospital, while he still has trouble speaking: “put [the call steve is getting] on speaker, would you, i’m bored.” more jokes! but it also makes me go fjdkfdjk because you will not convince me that this is not danny, extremely injured, still trying to take care of steve by distracting him from all the misery they’re in.

fjdkfd OKAY SO. plot stuff: the cipher translates to coordinates that apparently lead to the place where the mcgarretts thought doris was buried. steve says he knows the place because his dad used to take him there and ? because i always thought john sent his kids away pretty soon after doris died so he can’t have had much time to visit her grave a lot with them, but also just, the drama of it, wow, doris. send your son an encrypted message that sends him to your fake grave, why don’t you.

jfkdsjlfksljfds the mcgarretts have a family mausoleum now, apparently, omfg. and there was still a space with doris’s name on it? even though they’ve known for how many years by now that she was still alive oh my gosh

cole is along for the ride to doris’s fake grave and steve keeps dropping these little nuggets from his family history and cole keeps (rightfully!) looking a little confused and/or alarmed, poor guy, hahaha.

daiyu mei is running full tilt and doing some mad parcour shit in a suit and what looks like high heels and there is a whole action scene here with lots of players and constant shooting and some one-on-one fighting, but i am fully distracted by the shoewear.

oh, false alarm, probably! not quite high heels, just something ballarina like with a very tiny heel. that’s better.

fjdkfjdkfd OOF daiyu mei nearly kills steve, steve gets the upper hand, daiyu mei says some things and we’re given another flashback to wo fat and victor hesse and this time also john when he was held hostage, and suddenly we’re told he’s not surprised that doris had a secret son (wo fat) and that he suspected her death was staged.

OH MY GU==fdj

okay so those were typos but i’m LEAVING THEM because “whatever happens next, don’t tell my son. it would be too hard on him.” HELLO JOHN, FUCK YOU JOHN. he wanted??? to keep this secret??? from steve??? and also he doesn’t even acknowledge that he maybe has more than just a son. maybe there is a person called mary out there somewhere? might ring a bell, if you think about it long and hard.

wo fat: “you’re a good man, john mcgarrett.” i really don’t know if we’re supposed to agree with things wo fat says but he’s mostly voicing the opposite of what i feel this episode.

daiyu mei to steve: “you are your father.” oh gosh. oh no.

ahh, here’s a point where cole’s presence really starts to take away from other characters. he shows up to steve and daiyu mei’s confrontation to back steve up, and that obviously should have been any other character that we’ve known for way longer and have way more attachment to (junior! that would have been so good, or maybe lou, who’s also been here for seven years, or tani, who keeps worrying), especially, very very much especially when steve goes “book her, cole”. that’s just confusing, too. so far the cole and steve parallels have been thrown at us and now he’s suddenly in danny’s place.

32 minutes out of 42 and we’re at “one week later” and steve hopping through his garden to get to the beach chairs where danny is sitting. this is good but worrying for how early it comes.

danny says he misses the very nice nurse who brought him jello and steve tells him not to confuse a caregiver for someone who cares and danny goes “yeah? you know jealousy is not uh, pretty on you.” and then they’re both awkwardly quiet for a moment. dear lord.

AND THEN THINGS WENT PEARSHAPED. danny: “you all packed?” my heart is sinking fast. maybe i should just quit here and leave it at danny telling steve jealousy is not pretty on him (which implies other things are pretty on steve - let’s get back to that).

steve to danny, who is talking up hawaii (which is of course very good): “who are you?” i am having FLASHBACKS to junior asking tani that exact same thing just a few episodes ago.

danny seriously questions steve’s decision to just up and leave hawaii a bunch of times and yes, danny, good, grill him. this is a stupid plan.

danny: “you know, it don’t feel like it’s gonna be okay. it feels like- my main dude is leaving me.” HI STEVE. MAYBE DON’T. MAYBE DON’T GO. MAYBE DON’T HURT DANNY.

“you got a phone, right?” we’re seriously at that point. we are. seriously at that point. wow.

steve forces danny to get up to give him the frigging tenderest, dopily smiliest hug and it is so very sweet yet so very wrong.

“I LOVE YOU, MAN.” / “I LOVE YOU TOO.” THEY DID NOT YELL THAT BUT I AM BECAUSE THIS IS ALL I’VE WANTED FOR TWO YEARS and now it’s under these circumstances which ugh BUT I AM STILL HYPED. THEY GOT TO SAY IT AGAIN. GOOD. FUCKING GOOD.

“don’t make me come looking for you” danny says after he sits back down and without another word steve starts walking away and then he stops and looks back and catches danny looking over his shoulder but quickly looking away again and holy fucking damn if this isn’t how stories go when they try to tell us that two characters shouldn’t be parting because they don’t want to. turn around, steve. it’s so easy.

EDDIE. my gosh, ANOTHER blond guy who loves steve to pieces and who steve Should Not Just Leave, wtf.

eddie gets an i love you too and then a kiss and my heart! is having a hard time today!

oh LORD there’s a knock at the door and it’s the whole entire team and lou!!! is making me cry!!! and everyone whispers how much steve means to them at him while they’re hugging him and fjdkfd what. why is he leaving! it’s starting to sound like a worse decision by the second.

i could cry at all of these goodbyes seperately but right now i am also crying at tani immediately hugging noelani when she joins the pile of people who have said goodbye. ohhhh.

EVERYONE IS CRYING. not cool. VERY UNCOOL. also, honestly, i love that danny got to say goodbye seperately and it’s fitting that he just can’t watch steve actually walk out the door but also... he should have been here, gdi. now there’s this huge emotional team moment and he’s absent and it’s weird.

steve boards a plane and sits down and his phone beeps and it’s danny texting him “miss you already” and i cannot believe this is actual canon and had to pause to kind of laugh/gasp for air for a little bit.

and catherine shows up! i’ve been braced for this so i’m not surprised and it’s less bad than i thought in many ways but also. they talk about cath driving danny’s car and steve says they can’t have danny williams driving his own car and if that’s true, then why the hell are you leaving, steve. what are you doing to danny? (also. uh. danny’s car kind of went up in flames? he has a new one already? i. what.)

cath asks if steve is ready and they hold hands and steve turns to look out the plane window and smiles and that’s very suddenly it.

you know what? you know what, for the most part, i absolutely loved this. i was prepared for VERY BAD THINGS and i don’t enjoy steve leaving at the end at all and i have MANY NOTES on how things could have maybe ended even better but i. i am okay with this. i am okay with this! that is honestly more than i thought i would be able to say and i’m just VERY RELIEVED right now.

as for the show ending with steve and cath... that was weird, but... he also held danny’s hand this episode and that was supposedly platonic, and steve and cath did not suddenly have a big romantic kiss or get engaged, so i am choosing to take this as a platonic reunion with a person from steve’s past he still cares about, someone who travels a lot and was in hawaii to break that code and therefore this makes sense. he leaves with cath, and then, in a few weeks’ time, he comes back to danny (the person he cares about most in the world), and canon just, y’know, forgot to mention that little tidbit. it happens.

anyway, i had EMOTIONS and i still need to let all of this sink in and i hope you’re all doing okay after this whirlwind of a thing and ahhhh, it is so very weird that it’s over now. 💖

[cocktail-party-in-an-abattoir]

In Memoriam Herschel (2005-2021)

           It was the late summer/early autumn of 2005. I was 16 years old. I went to a friend’s house for a get-together with other friends. She lived in a more rural area, so stray cats were not uncommon. One of these strays had recently birthed a litter of kittens. They were corralled into a blocked-off area in my friend’s den. Naturally, we all gravitated towards the kittens. We spent a good while petting them, playing with them, holding them, and watching them with their mother. A particular kitten was a gray and white tabby. This kitten had made its way towards me and tried to crawl up one of my jean legs. I was wearing bootcut jeans, so it actually managed it. I was immediately drawn to this kitten, the idea of asking my parents if we could keep it already forming.

While my friends and I were playing with them, we decided to give them all smartass, noncommittal names. None of us could sex kittens, so that was reflected in the names we chose. I named the gray and white tabby (of which there were two, but I zeroed in on the jean leg kitten) “Herschel.” Why? Well, when I was eight or nine, I used to play House with friends. I had heard the name “Herschel” on some sitcom, and I liked the sound of it. So, I often named my fake son “Herschel.” This became an inside joke between my best friend and me.

            Back at home, I asked my mom if we could adopt the kitten. She had veto power. She was kind of hesitant at first but eventually relented. A few weeks later my friend and her mom brought the kitten over to my house. By that point I was already seriously referring to it as “Herschel.” We all just kind of assumed it was male. The first thing Herschel did after getting out of the carrying case was hide behind one of our bookcases and stayed there.

            We took Herschel to the vet. Upon examination the vet tech proclaimed he was, in fact, she. Her exact words were “You have a little girl!” For better or for worse, I was committed to “Herschel” (much to my mom’s chagrin), so from then on, I had a girl cat with a boy name. This led to years of various people (mostly veterinary staff) getting her sex wrong. I don’t know that I ever bothered correcting them because, well, they were going to find out the truth soon enough.

            Between 2005 and 2010, Herschel grew from a kitten with what my mom described as “Yoda ears” into a gorgeous young lady. She had the most beautiful green eyes. People always had nice things to say about her looks. She had an adorable bow-legged gait from the beginning. She grew into an affectionate little cuddle-bug once she adjusted to us. She was wary of strangers, which was probably for the best. She did not like to go outside as much as our older cat, Simba (RIP)—especially after being treed once—but she was a very skilled huntress. She even managed to get two hummingbirds. Obviously, I’m not a fan of such “presents,” but I couldn’t help but be impressed by her prowess.

            In 2007, we adopted 2 labs named Olive and Penny (RIP x2). 2010, we adopted two fluffy black kittens from our vet’s office. We named them Buttercup and Licorice (RIP x2). Herschel respected Simba because of his seniority, but she absolutely despised the other pets. She would growl and hiss at them on sight. Because of this, the dogs had to stay downstairs while the cats had free rein upstairs. By 2012, Buttercup had gone missing, and we had adopted two more animals: a cat named Kid Twist (“Twist” for short) and a blue heeler named Bleu. Herschel did not care for them either. That same year my parents moved one state over, and I moved to a nearby city to stay with a family friend. The Menagerie went with my parents.

            One day in 2013 or 2014 my mom commented about how Herschel hid under a guest room bed much of the time. She would only come out to do her business or eat. Since the dogs had free rein over the entire house, this meant there was no real “safe space” for Herschel. Thus, her reclusiveness. Mom was worried about her well-being. I offered to take Herschel under my wing. Mom agreed. Now, my housemate already had a few cats, so it wasn’t perfect, but it was an improvement over a house with dogs. Herschel had been under my care since.

            In 2015 Herschel moved with me into the apartment I currently live in. Despite my apartment’s smallness, she was finally the one cat in a one-cat home. I had stopped letting her out because a) my apartment complex is positively labyrinthine b) the complex is next to a busy highway, and c) I wanted her to live longer and not harm any wildlife (although her hunting days were behind her). She didn’t seem to mind. For the next few years, she was my kitty comrade. Aside from some dental issues and a heart murmur, she always had a clean bill of health. I honestly thought she was going to live as long as Simba had (18, almost 19) because he was also a spry geriatric cat.

            In late 2020, Herschel was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. She had been growing thinner and vomiting before I found out. I had to start giving her medication twice per day, but there was otherwise no change. She was still the empress I knew and loved, if a little slower. I thought that was going to be it. Then, earlier this year, the vet ran some more tests. While I had managed to lower her thyroid levels, the vet found another problem: chronic kidney disease. My blood ran cold upon hearing this because one of our pet labs, Olive, had died from kidney failure a few years prior. The vet told me while there was no cure, CKD could be managed with diet changes and medication. He was right, but unfortunately, that wasn’t the case with Herschel. She quickly went from stage 3 to stage 4 (4 being the end stage). I still kick myself about this because I feel like I could’ve found out sooner. Anyway, the vet suggested I should have Herschel hospitalized for a couple of days with IV fluids. The idea was to basically rehydrate her and then start a regimen of a new diet, supplements, and medication.

            So, I waited outside for three hours until a hospital staff member came to collect Herschel. It would’ve been longer, but my very kind vet called ahead. A couple of days later my mom and I returned to the hospital to wait for Herschel. It was March 25th, my birthday. One of the vets called me and stated despite the diuresis, Herschel’s stats remained the same. She stated I had probably 2 weeks left with her. I knew she was right, but I was still determined to try. I gave her daily cocktails of medication. I learned how to give her subcutaneous injections to hydrate her. I got the prescription wet food. At first, she had more okay days than bad, but it eventually became clear she was circling the drain. Treatment transformed into hospice care. I was going to do everything possible to keep her comfortable. By the end she was incontinent and no longer eating or drinking. Then she stopped being able to walk. I knew I had to make the final appointment. After a long crying session, I did.

            My mom came to help yesterday. Herschel was mostly immobile and out of it. Not even her favorite prosciutto roused her. I swaddled her in a changing pad and a blanket and slept with her next to me for one more night. She was still alive this morning if barely. Before we were set to go to her final appointment, I played her Sugarloaf’s “Green-Eyed Lady” (which will always remind me of her) and Audrey Hepburn’s version of “Moon River.” As my mom and I went to prepare her for the appointment, we realized how still she was. She did not appear to be breathing, and she did not react to anything we did. I took a flashlight to her pupils and… she was gone. She had died peacefully on my couch, which was one of her favorite spots to lounge. Honestly, I was relieved because the thought of taking her to a strange place to be euthanized frankly distressed me. I cuddled her ragdoll body from then until we were sitting in the vet office’s parking lot. Mom got a chance to hold her, too. A vet tech came out, used her stethoscope, and confirmed what we already knew. After a few more minutes with her we said our last goodbyes. I filled out paperwork confirming I wanted her ashes returned to me with a clay pawprint.

            I want Herschel’s ashes buried on my parents’ property with the others. Maybe a little farther away since she did not like most of them. I’m also looking into urn jewelry so I can carry her with me. This cat saw me at some of my lowest points, including when I was furloughed from my job last year. This cat was sweet and affectionate but also a pesky little shit. This cat was the first living being I was fully responsible for. She somehow managed to be regal while shoving her butthole into your face. If she liked you, she came and sat with you. If she didn’t, she hid behind the washing machine. I’m convinced she was part slug because even at her largest she was able to fit into confined spaces. I will miss her trilling meows. She was beautiful to the end, and I will always love her and miss her. I don’t know if there is an afterlife or not, but if there is, I hope she has endless king crab and prosciutto to snack on.

[prorevenge]

My friend's ex-wife gets his family's business shut down and burns their lives to the ground (not what you may think)

Sorry for the somewhat misleading title, but I couldn't resist.

This story isn't about me but two people I'm friends with. We'll call one Rae and one Justin. I'm posting this with Justin's permission, and he'll probably be reading the thread.

Pretty quickly after they moved, they decided to get amicably divorced, since they never wanted to be married anyway. They still lived together for a while, and basically became something between platonic roommates and each other's only family. Over time, they started dating other people. Some partners were scared off by the weird relationship between them, but most got it, and understood that Justin and Rae had basically bonded though mutual trauma. I also met both of them during this time, and we became close friends.

This whole time, both their families and other members of their community were relentlessly harassing them. People were showing up at their house at all hours, and they had reason to believe people were trying to steal their identities over the years, though they'd fortunately both put a freeze on their credit, so nothing ever came of it.

Then Justin had a bad accident. A really bad accident. He was on his bike and a car blew through a stop sign without slowing down and plowed right into him. He had to be rushed to the hospital and landed in the ICU. Rae was his emergency contact, and I was with her and some other friends when she got the call. I immediately drove her to the hospital with a couple of other people, and she was melting down (understandably). The hospital staff wouldn't let us all in when we got there, but they let Rae in. She came out periodically to let us know what was going on. Justin wasn't unconscious, but he was totally out of it and didn't seem to know she was there, probably from the painkillers, but she was convinced he had permanent dehabilitating brain damage and basically the group of us were just soothing her and reassuring her it would be fine. A friend of ours who worked at the hospital as an MRI tech was also stopping by when she could on her breaks and calming down Rae. We'd been there all night and part of the day at this point, and the medical staff was giving us reason to be hopeful.

But things got worse. To this day, no one knows how they found out, but 14 hours after Justin's accident, his parents, uncles, and grandfather showed up. They immediately had all of us removed from the ICU, Rae included. Unfortunately, as his ex-wife, she was no longer his legal next-of-kin and had no rights against his blood family.

At this point, she was absolutely hysterical and inconsolable. She was convinced Justin's family would hurt him. I'm ashamed to say all three of us that were there with her thought she was overreacting. We all knew Rae and Justin had left a fucked-up situation, but it wasn't like his own family would do anything to impede his recovery. She was getting angry with us for trying to calm her down, and tried to explain that according to their religion, she and Justin deserved punishment from God, and only the greatest suffering could prompt repenting and redemption. She said their families embraced this thinking and wanted them to suffer, because it would prove that they did the wrong thing by leaving, and suffering would drive them back to the fold. She said as long as Justin was with his family, he wouldn't be safe.

Our friend who worked for the hospital came and found Rae at that point. She made Rae swear up and down she wouldn't tell anyone she told her this, because she could get in deep trouble for releasing privileged information to someone unauthorized, but she'd caught wind that Justin's parents were aggressively demanding the hospital release him into their care, and they were involving lawyers. The hospital was currently refusing, because Justin wasn't stable enough to leave, but our friend warned Rae that as soon as Justin got to be stable, or the lawyers scared the hospital enough, it's possible the parents would be able to take Justin.

This shocked the rest of us. Realizing his parents were not only willing to remove Justin from the hospital that had saved his life in the condition he was still in, but were actively trying to do it made us really "get" for the first time why Rae was going out of her head with fear.

At this point, Rae snapped into do-or-die mode. Convinced that Justin was about to literally die if she didn't act, she decided she would do everything in her power to start a fire at home so that Justin's family would want to run back to put it out. And this wasn't too hard, because she had a lot of dirt on the whole community she came from. Like a madwoman, she started blowing the whistle all over Justin's family. She called the IRS's fraud hotline and detailed all the ways that the family business was committing tax fraud. She submitted an ATF tip about how that same family business was illegally selling firearms without a license and without following any of the proper protocols, and was knowingly selling guns to convicted felons. She reported one of Justin's uncles for owning several guns as a convicted felon. She also reported Justin's mom's unlicensed day care "business," which was apparently extremely shady, including having over 30 children packed into one house, with Justin's mom as the only adult and many of the childcare duties being farmed out to Justin's 12- and 14-year-old sisters. She called CPS on Justin's uncles and his parents for keeping their children out of school, and for physical abuse in one uncle's case. In all of these reports, she provided extensive details.

She finished her calls and emails, and then she waited. We all waited for several hours, and nothing happened. Then, miraculously, Justin become lucid enough to understand what was going on and make his own decisions, and he kicked his family out again. From there began a slow but steady path to recovery.

In all the relief and excitement to see Justin on the mend, we'd almost forgotten about Rae's campaign of desperation, until a couple of weeks later, when the screaming voicemails started pouring in to both of them. First, the business was being investigated by the IRS, then it was being investigated for illegal firearms dealing. Then the daycare was getting investigated. At first, Rae felt a little guilty, but then she was like, "You know what? No regrets. They would have killed Justin."

From what they've been able piece together in the year and a half since this happened, the business has gone under, and the daycare is shuttered. The uncle is six months into a new five-year prison sentence for firearm possession. CPS investigated, which scared the shit out of the family, but nothing really came of it, which is especially sad in the case of the cousins being physically abused. That said, the parents are now too scared to keep the kids home from school, and with the unlicensed daycare shut down, the mom's not exploiting her daughters' labor anyway, so she has no incentive to keep them home. So Justin's little siblings are at least getting their education.

Justin and Rae are both happy and thriving. Justin unfortunately will never fully recover from the accident. He has some permanent neurological damage that results in tremors. But he's pumped to be alive, he can work a full-time job, he can still be pretty physically active, and as far as I'm concerned, he wins.

TL;DR: Kooky abusive family tries to remove my friend from critical medical care because reasons (??), and his ex-wife hits the panic button that burns their lives to the ground.

(source) story by (/u/Throwawayallaway4)

[teatitty]

Rogues Lore

First of all I want to thank @schweeeppess for letting me spam her with Rogues lore 2 months ago cuz it made this post so much easier to type out when I can just copy-paste everything and then edit it to be more cohesive lmao

Second this is under a read more because it is A Lot

Leonard Snart AKA Captain Cold

He grew up with a super abusive father and his only refuge was when he would hang out with his grandfather in his grandfather's ice truck. When the grandfather died, he grew tired of his dad's abuse and set out to start a criminal career and moved to central. 

(He's the one who started the rogues!) 

He found blueprints for a "cold gun" which he ended up making from scratch (it’s also canon that he knows the gun so well he can remake it out of scraps in about 30 seconds to a minute) and had three main rules in his group: No Killing, No Harm To Women Or Children and No Drug Use. His cold gun is capable of interfering with the speedforce cuz it can reach “absolute zero” which is even colder then Mr Freeze's tech. 

He's also the only cold-based villain capable of mastering this temp. In New Earth he was described as an "adversary" but in Prime Earth (same backstory as before mind you) he's described as being a straight villain whose only rule in the group is "no killing" (which seems to be a pretty flexible rule these days cuz DC has made him more, well, down with killing). He's also much younger here then he was in NE. 

In Flash 2016 #17 we see another upgraded version of his gun that's capable of separating the Flash from the speedforce directly and, in doing so, causing Barry excrutiating pain. Generally, he and Barry had more respect for eachother in NE, to the point that Len even considered him family. In PE, though they have teamed up now and again, Len is far more hostile towards Barry, sometimes even being written in a way that suggests he wouldn’t mind if Barry died.

Sam scudder AKA Mirror Master (the first one!) 

He was a simple convict who just really wanted to learn how to get inside a mirror's reflection. He practiced in a hall of mirrors and, once he succeeded, became Mirror Master. He was a frequent foe for Barry and, during Crisis on Infinite Earths, died around the same time Barry did.

 He was the one who discovered the "mirror world". At one point he got himself trapped there and hated that the mirror world could just get him whatever he wanted instead of him stealing it so he got Barry to bust him out. He could also use mirror's to mind control ppl (dont ask) and this intrigued Barry. 

 On PE he's dating Lisa Snart (Len's younger sister) and is the only Mirror Master to exist. In N52 he, Len, Lisa, Mick and Marco all got fused with their weapons for a while and given meta-human abilities which I. hate because it took away what made them all so cool (I'm fine with Marco tho and you'll find out why in a minute) he's also a really big attention seeker lol

Hartley Rathaway AKA Pied Piper

Alright most of Hartley's info is from NE so: he was born deaf to wealthy parents who got him very high-tech hearing implants. He became obssessed with sounds and started experimenting with sonic technology. Bored of his rich life (and sometimes it's implied he had ableist and/or homophobic parents too) he took to a life of crime after learning how to hypnotize people through music (Pied Piper ayyy). 

He was the first person to ever successfully break out of Iron Heights and did so because he befriended the rats there and used them to help himself escape, adding more to his whole Pied Piper thing. After Barry died he gave up crime and started working to help the poor and underprivelaged (I'm not saying he quit specifically bc of Barry's death buuuuuut most of the Rogues did so). 

He struck up a close friendship with Wally and came out as openly gay! On PE all that we know for certain is that he's a "reformed vigilante" who's the conductor for the Central City orchestra. He used to share an apartment with Barry (yes for real) before he moved in with his bf, David Singh (also Barry's director in the CCPD). Lisa was the one who convinced him to come out to the Rogues, and they were all chill with being gay, their problem came when he started dating David who is, you know, a cop.

He has a pet rat called Moon (cute, right?). Also in pre-N52 canon (cant remember if it was NE specifically or older) Hartley once had a nervous breakdown after Barry arrested him so Barry took him to get help at a mental health hospital :')

(Some artists draw him blonde, some brunette and others go more for reddish-brown it’s kinda confusing)

Marco/Mark Mardon AKA Weather Wizard

On NE he's a two bit criminal called Mark Mardon (he's also white and yes thats important to note) but one day, after escaping from a cop van, he ran to find his brother, Clyde, who was a scientist only to discover his bro had died of a heart attack (however, there's implications that he actually murdered his brother and simply blocked out the memory). 

He then found Clyde's notes on how to create a wand to control the weather and made it for himself. The worst he ever did on NE was imprison a town in winter and after Barry's death he went into semi-retirement (told you the Rogues all did this)

On PE however! He and Clyde are Latino and are the heirs to a huge cartel! Clyde takes over the cartel and Marco wants nothing to do with that life. After their father dies, Marco runs away and eventually becomes Weather Wizard. 

He comes back when he hears his brother has been murdered and gets accused of the crime. He finds out it was Clyde's wife, Elsa, who orchestrated the whole thing and, in a fit of grief and anger, kills her with lightning. He also tries to kill himself at the same time but it doesn’t work. After her death, he curls up into a ball and starts crying because he feels like he hasnt got any family left but then Lisa shows up and is like "yo the rogues are still here for you bitch"

His emotions affect the weather in this continuity and I’m a weak bitch for that but that’s 100% my bias for Ororo Munroe showing itself lol

James Jesse AKA Trickster (the first one!)

James Jesse was born to the Flying Jesses, famous circus performers. He, however, was afraid of heights, and preferred reading stories of Western criminal Jesse James. 

He invented air-walking shoes to get rid of his acrophobia, and this led to his fame as an aerialist at the circus. Buuut he wanted more excitement in life and became a conman instead! He had a lot of wacky gadgets like exploding teddy bears and, after Barry's death, moved from Central to Hollywood and started working in special effects. 

Like Hartley, he even attended Barry's funeral. He once beat the devil, Neron, at his own game and eventually started using his skills for good, collecting weapons of incarcerated villains so they couldnt fall into the wrong hands. He eventually died protecting Hartley during Final Crisis. Deadshot was the one who got him. 

On Prime Earth his parents were straight up neglectful and, instead of creating his own boots, he stole them from STAR labs instead. This version of him is also WAY more fucked up and murdery then NE to the point us long-term Rogues fans got really upset at how much DC had changed him 

On NE his real name is “Giovanni Giuseppe” (swear this is, like, the only italian name DC knows) and on PE the Flying Jesse's were a deliberate rip off of the Flying Graysons

George “Digger” Harkness AKA Captain Boomerang

The illegitimate son of an American toy-maker, W.W. Wiggins, and an Australian woman, Betty Harkness, George Harkness was raised in poverty in the small town of Kurrumburra, Australia. His stepfather, Ian Harkness, hated the boy and made his life miserable. (Like canonically Ian was an abusive alcoholic and even abused Betty who was too ill to defend herself or George. The reason George goes by "Digger" is cuz that's what his mom used to call him before she died; it's aussie slang for "soldier") 

In school, Harkness crafted a boomerang. He discovered he had great skill with the aboriginal weapon and often used it for mischief with his best friend, Mick Wentworth. He further honed his skills while spending some time hiding from the law in the Australian bush. 

When Digger was eighteen, he and Wentworth robbed a general store and were able to make their escape with the aid of Digger’s boomerang. However, this incident caused Digger’s stepfather to kick him out of the house. 

His mother gave him a plane ticket to Central City and told him to get in touch with Wiggins. Wiggins had been searching for a spokesman for W.W. Wiggins Game Company's latest product, a toy boomerang. Under the alias "George Green", Digger auditioned for and got the job. Wiggins outfitted him with a costume and gave him the name "Captain Boomerang."

Ridiculed by the audience, he took to a life of crime instead.

His story is pretty much the same on PE. The only diff being there was no childhood friend and Digger made boomerangs in an attempt to impress his absentee father. Also he has a habit of making up fake stories about himself lmao 

The only one's he really doesnt stab in the back are the Rogues and Harley Quinn but everyone else? fair game. In Flash: Rebirth he and Barry even exchange favours for info and it’s implied this is a regular thing for them

Roscoe Dillon AKA The Top

He technically appears on PE but he's one of Thawne's acolytes so lets just. Skip that and focus on NE instead

Literally his whole thing is that he was obssessed with spinning tops as a kid and taught himself how to spin fast enough to deflect bullets. He became a criminal, tried to blackmail the entire world once, and was Lisa's first boyfriend! 

He was also her ice-skating coach and taught her how to spin super well like himself! He has a very confusing characterization tho cuz sometimes he was written to be all about revenge and killing but other times he was just like the other rogues; a blue-collar criminal who stole things because he liked to. 

He died eventually which I'm not going to try to explain cuz it's...yeah. There's also this whole thing where he could possess people after his death but this was in the silver age and that shit just happened sometimes so whatever 

In short: Roscoe has a really cool concept to him but nobody really knew how to write him so he ended up all over the place

He also has a Spinning Top shaped satellite in space where he stores all his loot (dont ask)

Mick Rory AKA Heatwave

Mick Rory has pyromania! Very severely! He was born on a farm outside of Central and, as a child, was very fascinated with fire. This turned into an obssession and he ended up burning his house down. So fascinated by the flames, however, he never ran to get help, watching his whole house burn down (and killing his parents inside) and he ended up living with his uncle after this. 

On a schooltrip, his schoolmate stuck him in a meat locker as a prank where he gained Cryophobia (fear of the cold) so in retaliation Mick locked the boy in his house and set the thing on fire (again, pyromania). He ran away again and ended up becoming a fire-eater for a circus. That didn't last long either because, surprise!, he burned the place down. 

Desperate to find a way to help his obssession, he happened to see the Rogues operating in Central and decided to take up villainy. At first he and Len got into a few altercations with eachother due to Mick's fear of the cold but eventually they settled their differences and Len officially brought him into the Rogues. 

Mick kinda relies on them to keep his pyromania in check basically. There was a time where he was, briefly, reformed and gained a close friendship with Barry (even being roommates with him. By then he'd already known Barry's real identity for a few years) and used his pyro knowledge to become a fire-fighter consultant. At one point he even worked for the FBI

His backstory is practically the same on PE the only difference being that he never expressed regret for burning down his house, and actually says he wishes he’d burned down the whole neighbourhood instead

Lisa Snart AKA Golden Glider

When I say her NE version is leagues above PE I mean it. 

Like Len, she suffered abuse under their father and escaped it by becoming a figure skater under the name Lisa Star for the Futura Ice Show! Her fame came from her very fast spins, a trick she was taught by Roscoe. When Roscoe died while fighting Barry (brain complications though there’s more to it, but again I’m not going to get into that) Lisa turned to villainy, blaming Barry for her lover's death. 

Her attempts on Barry and Iris' lives were always foiled. She used a pair of ice skates that created their own ice flow, and had many gadgets that caused hypnotism. She also stole Len's gun once but retooled it into a twirling Baton. 

When Barry died she renounced her feud with him and attempted to go straight again with her brother. They created a company that recovered lost or stolen items. Eventually she returned back to a life of crime, went through three boyfriends, all using the name Chillblaine (she named them that iirc), until the fourth Blaine killed her. Len got revenge on that one 

On PE, however, Lisa had a brain tumor (it got cured later) and was a tag-a-long villain for her brother and her boyfriend, Sam Scudder. This version of her never became a skater and is instead murderous just for...the sake of it. She also has this thing about wanting to be the leader of the Rogues instead of Len, and when she's in charge of them for a while the Rogues’ morals change and killing is suddenly fine so. Whatever. NE Lisa is the best (also her whole outfit? Stunning)

Roy G. Bivolo AKA Rainbow Raider (not technically a Rogue anymore but he was a member for a while)

He appeard on PE as Chroma but gets murdered by Grodd so we only have NE canon to use (they did my mans dirty) 

He was a wonderful painter from an early age but was born colourblind. His father, an optometrist, was determined to create a device that would let him see in full colour. Toy didnt get the device until after his father's death but unfortunately the device didnt let him see colour. 

Instead, the goggles could project beams of light that could become solid objects, make him invisible, blind his opponents, or affect the emotions of his targets. Angry that he couldnt pursue an artistic career. he decided to become a thief and primarily stole famous artwork. He was eventually killed by Amunet Black

Evan McCulloch AKA Mirror Master (second one)

Evan was born to rich parents Louis and Carol Erikson who gave him up for adoption because they were too young to be responsible parents. He ended up at the McCulloch orphanage. 

At age 8 he was molested by one of the older boys there and, in self-defence, ended up drowning the him. At 16 he left the orphanage, taking on the name of the woman who raised him and moves to Glasgow (he’s scottish btw) 

He found that it was super difficult to hold down a job but, needing to make ends meet and constantly breaking the law anyway, he turned to a life of crime and became a hitman and then a professional assassin.

One day he got hired to kill his birth father but was unaware of who his target was until after he took the shot. Grief-stricken, he attended the funeral and tried to work up the nerve to approach his birth mother. By the time he had, she'd committed suicide and he turned himself in for his crimes. 

Either the Scottish or US government gave him Sam's old Mirror Master gear and hired him to be a mercenary. 

His first job was scaring Animal Man into stopping his activism, but he failed because of Animal Man’s wife. Refusing to actually kill the wife and children (thanks to his own morals) he gets fired and helps Animal Man seek revenge.

He continues to work as a criminal and supervillain-for-hire, even working out of costume as a mercernary in Britain.

Eventually he found his way to Central City and joined the Rogues, taking over as Sam Scudders official successor. There was a time where he had a Cocaine Addiction which caused friction between him and Capt Cold because of Len’s rule against drug use. 

Throughout all of this, Evan made sure to donate a portion of all the money he ever got to the McCulloch Orphanage

Axel Walker AKA Trickster (second one) 

On PE, Axel was recruited by the Rogues early on in his career. He messed up during a heist and they kicked him out (they'd never do that but w/e) 

He worked for Mob Rule as a henchman for a bit then went freelance when MB was arrested. He saved Cold's life cuz he felt he still owed Cold a debt. When Grodd took over Central, Axel tried to join his side but Grodd tore his arm off from the bicep (ouch) and left him to die on the street. Axel got himself a cool sleek robot arm and returned to crime anyway. He got accused of murder, Barry cleared his name, but he still got sent to Iron Heights for other charges. 

The Rogues, hearing about this, went to bust him out and were like "okay fine u can hang with us" and he stayed with them from then on

In NE canon, while Jesse was working with the FBI, Axel stole all his gear and ended up working for Penguin in Gotham. Penguin gets attacked by Tarantula, Axel fails to stop her and a few days later he gets caught by Robin (Tim) for causing trouble in Gotham. 

He moves on to work with Amunet Black, but after her defeat is offered to join the “new Rogues” by Capt Cold and accepts the offer. Some stuff happens, he fights the OG Trickster who leaves him in a dumpster and tells him never to pick up the gear again, then Axel answers an ad from some college students asking for a trained hero to teach them some things, he has dinner with them and then kills them all. Neat.

When Jesse died, Axel redonned the Trickster gear and started operating his own crew out of an old Rogues hideout. When the Rogues returned to Central, Axel found out they were gonna retire and go underground. He rejoined them to help them get revenge on Inertia for manipulating them into killing Bart Allen, and he stayed with the group henceforth. 

Evan explained to him that joining the Rogues wasn’t a matter of him wanting to be one, but why he needed to be one

In short: Axel is a punk kid who wants to fit in with the big boys and the Rogues are the only ones who really gave him a chance, acting like his older siblings. It’s worth noting that canon never mentions any relatives for him so, as far as we know, crime is all he’s ever known

And that’s all of them!

[quiet-onset]

Pâro (1)

Pairing: Cap!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 2,264

Tag List: @thisisbullshytt, @here-for-your-bullshit, @unknownuserhasjoined, @bees-are-more-important

A/N: I’m so excited guysssss!! You’ll find this series has an element of the Marvel comics in reference to a certain character, but I’ll work all the important info into the fic. I hope you guys like it! Enjoy! (Also I made that graphic from a generator, so be proud of me lol)

Bucky had learned in a short two weeks that being Captain America was a tough ass job.

He tried to keep to his routine. Get up at six in the morning, go for a run, come back around seven for training with recruits, then deal with all the menial tasks, paperwork and such. He quickly realized that everything was changing now that he’d taken Steve’s old mantle.

His morning run seemed almost an impossibility now. Ever since hearing Steve Rogers was stepping down, and Bucky Barnes was taking over, reporters and paparazzi have been outside almost all day. They wanted to ask him a thousands questions, all of which seemed very accusatory. So the morning run had to be changed to a run on the treadmill.

Then, he was told he was no longer training recruits. He would initiate and oversee them, but training was given to Sam. He found that Captain America only trained recruits in exceptional circumstances, like Wanda or Peter.

The icing on the cake, though, was that he had a lot less paperwork to do. He had to go to various meetings with Tony where they would approve new tech or assign missions to agents and the team. Bucky felt like hadn’t signed this many papers since he joined the army in the forties.

But Steve left the job to him, so he had to do his best.

Bucky was with Bruce, getting his metal arm checked out when the sirens sounded off loudly, meaning the Avengers were needed. Bucky looked up with a kind of fear in his eyes, a fear that Bruce recognized as fear of failure. “Hey,” Bruce called. “You’re gonna do fine.”

Bucky sighed as he stood from the table. “I sure hope so.”

“Wait.” Bruce quickly grabbed a suitcase and placed it on the table. “If you’re gonna be Captain America, you’re gonna need a new suit.”

—

Sam was the first to tease his new captain. “Well, don’t you look spiffy!”

Bucky shook his head as he drove his motorcycle through traffic, trying to get used to his new suit. It was modeled after Steve’s, though it was tailored a bit more to Bucky’s taste. The chest was its normal cobalt blue with the silver star and stripes. The accents were a dark red, and everything from the torso down was black, very indicative of his style. He still had holsters for his guns and knives, and his shield was hooked snugly onto his back. He’d forgone the helmet, figuring everyone already knew who he was. He was thankful, though, that Bruce left the suit without a sleeve for his metal arm. Bucky figured it would help others get used to having a new Captain America.

“Shut up, Wilson.” Bucky said into his comms, still bobbing and weaving through cars.

“Alright, Cap.” Tony said as he arrived on the scene. “You’re up. What’s the move?”

Bucky opened his mouth to speak but was immediately taken by surprise. Their villain, whoever this guy was, was a giant head in some kind of floating chair. Bucky had seen many things in his life, aliens, talking animals, monsters that seemed akin to creatures he’d only seen on television. But one thing he had never seen was a twelve foot tall head. “What the hell is that?” He muttered to himself.

“We can deal with the what later, Barnes.” Sam told him.

“Right.” Bucky said to himself. “Work on incapacitating him, maybe aim for the chair. Where’s the Spider-kid? We need civilian control.”

“Not here.” Tony grunted. “Dealing with some Fisk business uptown.”

“Alright, alright. Our priority is making sure everyone is safe. We can deal with this… thing afterward.”

Bucky tried to think on his feet as he began ushering people away from the scene. Many people stopped to stare at Bucky as if he was the one with the giant head. He felt the world’s eyes on him as he took a deep breath. He wasn’t used to being in charge; he was always the one who took orders. But now, he had to step up.

So ignoring all the prying eyes, he let out a determined grunt and pulled his shield off his back before throwing it directly at the villain’s chair. The giant head faltered, slowly turning around to look at Bucky. “Mr. Barnes.” He said venomously.

“Giant floating head.” Bucky nodded. “I don’t know what your problem is, but you’d do better surrendering.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Mr. Barnes. See, I’ve done the calculations. Do you know the probability of you defeating me?” Suddenly, light started to shine from the band on his forehead, as if it were charging up. Bucky realized he was defenseless without his shield as it was stuck in the chair, so he ran behind a nearby truck. “Zero.”

Bucky couldn’t see the beam of energy that was shot at him, but it had enough strength to send him and the truck flying in the opposite direction. Landing on the pavement, he groaned but stood back up. “Sam.” Bucky called as he pulled out his knife. “Need you to get my shield out of his chair.”

“On it.”

Just before another beam of energy could be shot at him, Tony fired at the chair, throwing him off his balance. Sam took the opportunity and glided in to get the shield. Moments later, the shield was back in Bucky’s hand, and he was jumping from car to car, gaining momentum. When he was ready, he leapt into the air and land on the back of the chair.

He used his knife to pry a panel off before he was thrown off. When Bucky landed on the ground, he noticed writing on the panel he pulled off. MODOK. That must be his name, Bucky thought. “Banner, his name’s MODOK. Look into that for later.” He groaned.

MODOK laughed at Bucky as he stood back up. “Do you really think you can do this? Be Captain America?”

Bucky didn’t answer. He knew that he couldn’t give in. He couldn’t let him prey on his deepest fears.

“Being Captain America requires making difficult decisions. For example,” MODOK used a beam of energy to tear a pillar off of a nearby statue before throwing it at a woman. She seemed frozen in her place, her expression void of any emotion besides shock. “Get me, or save her.”

Bucky didn’t even stop to think about it. He quickly called for the team to stay on MODOK before running towards the woman at full speed. Just as he arrived in front of her, he shoved the shield into her hands. “Hold this in front of you and crouch down.” Bucky ordered, shouting over all the chaos.

You had no time to question him, following his orders immediately. Bucky braced himself and reached his hands out. Seconds later, Bucky was holding the pillar over the both of you. You peeked over the shield when you didn’t feel any impact. “So you’re the new Cap?” You asked.

Bucky looked back at you with friendly eyes. “‘Fraid so. ‘Scuse me for a minute.”

He tossed the pillar into the empty street before jumping to the top of a bus. Sam landed on a nearby roof, “He’s gone, Buck.”

Bucky sighed but nodded. “It shouldn’t be very difficult to find a giant floating head, right?”

“We’ve dealt with crazier. I think.” Tony said from above.

Buck hopped off the bus, “Alright. Back to the Tower for a briefing.”

You met Bucky halfway, holding his shield in both hands. You gave it back to him with a smile on your lips. As you looked him over, you thought that maybe all the bad things you heard about him weren’t true. After all, he’d just saved your life. You looked up at him, almost shyly. “I think this is yours.”

He let out a breath. “Yeah, thanks.”

“Thank you.” You said. “Ya know, I’d probably be dead if it weren’t for you.”

“You don’t have to thank me.”

“Well, I am.”

Bucky chuckled as he looked down at the ground. He felt weird. His heart was pounding, he was sweating, his cheeks felt hot. He reminded himself that he just battled a supervillain, and that everything he was feeling was normal. Suddenly, his eyes caught sight of your wrist, which seemed a bit swollen. He nodded to it, “You should head to the hospital.”

You looked down, wincing as you cupped your wrist in the your free hand. You let a small smile form on your lips, “I’ll do that.”

—

When the briefing finally ended Bucky and Tony hung behind. Tony was closing the presentation when he saw Bucky staring at the wall, seemingly in thought. Tony waved a hand in front of him. “Hello, anyone home?”

Bucky snapped out of it quickly. “Right. Sorry.”

“You okay?”

“I just keep thinking about earlier.”

“We’ll get him. We always do.”

“No, not that.” Bucky shook his head. “I mean, how people were looking at me. I was just trying to get people to safety, but to them, I wasn’t a hero. I wasn’t Captain America. I was still the Winter Soldier.”

“People are fickle, Bucky. They’ll warm up to you. You just have to keep doing what you know is right.” Tony shrugged.

“They hate me, Stark.”

“Well, I hated you until not too long ago. And if I can change my mind, so can everyone else.” Tony pointed out jokingly. “Maybe you should go to the hospital and see some of the victims.”

“For publicity?” Bucky’s brow furrowed.

“For your conscience. But, yes, also publicity. Ya know, show them you care. ‘Cause I know you do.”

It took some convincing, but soon enough, Bucky was on his motorcycle in civilian clothes, on his way to the hospital. From the moment he took off his helmet, reporters swarmed around him. Bucky went over Tony’s coaching in his head as he prepared to be bombarded with questions.

“Who was the villain that attacked New York today?”

“Are the Avengers paying for the damages?”

“Where is Steve Rogers?”

Don’t answer any questions. Half will tell the truth, and the others will twist your words.

“Were you Steve Rogers’ first choice to become the new Captain America?

“Do you think Steve Rogers would be proud you let the villain escape?”

“Why are you the new Captain America?”

Don’t get worked up from any of their questions. They take a reaction as an answer. If they ask for a statement, just say…

“I’m here to visit the victims of today’s attack and make sure they’re okay.” Bucky recited verbatim. “Thank you.”

Hospital security escorted him inside whilst keeping all the reporters out. Bucky looked around at everyone waiting for medical attention. Luckily, no one seemed to be to be gravely injured, but it was still jarring for Bucky. It reminded of his days in the army, watching soldiers die under the hands of nurses who were simply trying their best to keep them alive. A young girl pulled on his pant leg, and he looked down with kind eyes. “Hey there, kiddo.”

“Are you the new Captain America?” She asked innocently as he crouched down to her height.

“I suppose I am.” He let out a deep breath.

“What happened to Steve Rogers?”

“I can’t really say.” Bucky told her. “But he’s okay, and he’s still watching out for everybody.”

She gasped, “Like an angel?”

He let a small smile form on his lips as she grinned up at him. “Exactly like an angel.”

“Well, if he chose you, I think you’re gonna be the bestest new Captain America.”

His heart warmed as he saw the hope and excitement in her eyes. She suddenly buried herself in his chest, wrapping her little arms around him. He let out an endearing chuckle as he embraced her as well. “Thanks, doll.”

After she adorably insisted on taking a picture with him, he continued further into the hospital, painfully aware of all the eyes on him. On his arm. He tried his best to ignore that feeling as he spoke to as many victims as he could. He endured all the insults and criticism and gratefully took in the little encouragement he received. Just as he was heading back toward the entrance, he looked in one of the rooms, seeing a familiar face.

It was you.

You were sitting on the hospital bed on the phone. He could by the crease in your forehead that you were angry with whoever was on the other end. When you adjusted your position, you winced, remembering that you now had a sprained wrist. When you looked up, you saw Bucky’s curious blue eyes looking at you, and you smiled. Sheepishly, you gestured for him to come in as you said goodbye to whoever was on the phone. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Bucky smiled, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “How’s the wrist?”

You held up your right hand, displaying your new brace. “Sprained. But it should heal in two weeks or so.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Thanks to you. Have I thanked you yet?”

“A few times actually. But I appreciate it.” Bucky chuckled. “I, um, I actually have to go. But I’ll be in touch.”

You realized he was asking for your name, so you put your left hand out for a handshake. “Y/N Y/L/N.”

“Y/N Y/L/N.” He repeated, trying to bite back a smile as he shook your hand. “Nice to meet you. Again.”

[robininthelabyrinth]

Fic: An Internal Affair - Chapter 2 (Ao3 link)

Fandom: The Flash Pairing: Leonard Snart/Barry Allen

Summary: Leonard Snart, the CCPD Captain of Internal Affairs, is known as Captain Cold for a very good reason: He hates corrupt cops with a merciless vengeance, and once you’re on his list, you’re in serious trouble.

His next target?

A CCPD lab tech named Barry Allen who’s developed a suspicious habit of disappearing at random intervals.

—————————————————————————————————

It's not that Barry's keeping an eye out for the guy or anything, it's just that -

Okay, he's totally keeping an eye out.

Listen, Barry has never had any luck with dating. Zero. None. Zilch.

In high school he was so renowned for being a weirdo nerd that he barely even tried.

College was a giant series of dating catastrophes interspersed with a handful of friends-with-benefits relationships that were fun but not serious.

After college, if anything, his reputation as a weirdo got even more extreme.

(The supernatural events blog being his first Google hit probably doesn’t help, but how else was he supposed to get submissions to help him gather data on unusual events?)

Yes, he's aware that part of his consistent streak of epic dating fails is his overwhelming love for Iris. A large part of it, even; the people he went out with in an attempt not to think about her were usually able to figure out that he wasn't really present at their dates and dumped him in disgust.

At the time, he’d figured that his crappy love life was a worthwhile sacrifice to make for that one glorious day in the future that Iris would abruptly realize that Barry was everything she never knew she wanted.

But Iris is with Eddie now.

As in, seriously, in a way that’s different from before.

Barry squelches the thought that Eddie somehow swept in while Barry was asleep (in a coma, no less!) and took his girl, because it's not true: Barry never got up the nerve to ask Iris to be his girl, and there was no guarantee that she would've said yes anyway, and now she's with Eddie.

She's been with Eddie for months.

She’s happy with Eddie.

Happy in a way Barry’s never seen her be happy, a glow that lights her up from the inside every time she talks about Eddie, every time they’re together. It’s quieter, in some way, than she’s been with previous boyfriends, more settled, more secure – it’s not the cheerfulness of a new infatuation, but the foundation-deep joy that comes from a relationship that is just rock solid, built on a basis of mutual respect and love.

And the worst part is that, well, Eddie –

Barry likes Eddie.

Eddie’s a good guy. He’s friendly and he’s kind and he’s thoughtful and he’s head-over-heels in love with Iris, willing to do everything and anything just to see her happy. In short, he’s exactly the sort of person Barry would want to see dating his best friend, except for the fact that he’d kind of like to be dating her himself.

God, Barry still can't believe he listened to Joe's advice and confessed his feelings to Iris even after he knew all of the above.

Naturally, of course, with Barry’s luck, Barry managed to pick the worst possible moment for a confession. It seems that, in his advice to Barry to be open and honest with Iris about how Barry felt about her, all those words about how Barry would regret not laying out his feelings at least once to see if she felt the same way, Joe somehow forgot to mention that he was actively in the process of trying to break Eddie and Iris up.

Joe sometimes forgets details like that.

In all fairness, so does Iris; the West family doesn’t fight often, but when they do, it’s both vicious and ruthless and thoroughly and incredibly unkind to any poor outsider who happens to get caught in the middle of the meat grinder.

Usually Barry.

He’s way too familiar with the usual way it goes - Iris making a decision Joe doesn't like, Joe pushing back and insisting she change it, Iris getting angry and refusing, Joe actively trying to sabotage the project and/or guilt trip her into not doing it, Iris blowing up at him, and an eventual resolution where either Iris gives in and gives up on the project or she continues onwards and Joe pretends that he never opposed the idea in the first place and sometimes even that it'd actually been his idea all along.

That's the usual way of things, but sometimes it happens in reverse, too, with Joe making a decision that Iris doesn’t approve of and needing to defend it from Iris’ double-barreled attacks, which also consist of guilt trips and silent treatment and sometimes outright sabotage. In her own way, Iris is just as bull-headed and ruthless as her dad.

Barry loves them both dearly, he has since before they took him in after what happened to his mom and his dad, but the way they fight is easily his least favorite West family trait.

They almost always apologize for putting Barry in the middle of these fights after they’re done – Iris with words and hugs and ice cream, Joe with punches to the shoulder and an offer to buy him his favorite pizza accompanied by the unspoken offer to just forget it ever happened – but for all their apologies, they never exactly stop doing it.

Well, every family is dysfunctional in its own way. This way just happens to be the West family way.

So, you know, it’s not like Barry's not used to it.

Okay, maybe not this particular iteration of it, with Joe trying to order Iris to break up with Eddie, which was an incredibly stupid idea in the first place, and when that didn’t work (obviously), he went off and ordered Eddie to break up with Iris, which was (unsurprisingly) even less successful. And, according to Iris, when that didn’t work, Joe apparently then tried to sabotage their relationship by telling Eddie that he wasn't going to let Eddie do his job as long as he was with Iris because he might get hurt on the job and thus cause Iris pain - thereby subtly positioning Iris to take the blame for any failure of Eddie's career to progress.

To nobody’s surprise, except maybe Joe's, that didn't work any better than the rest of it had – Eddie just told him off and refused to accept such a ridiculous restriction from his senior partner, and naturally he also told Iris about it, and boy, oh, boy, was Iris unhappy when she found out about that.

But that’s not the point.

The point is, that Barry is generally used to this stuff happening.

He just wishes that he’d known that the argument was ongoing before he decided it was the right time to confess his feelings to Iris.

Because, of course, the second he did, she was instantly convinced that he'd taken Joe's side in trying to destroy her relationship with Eddie. He should have realized it was a bad time, but he'd been so busy with the stuff he’d been doing as the Streak that he'd missed the signs of an argument (both on her and on Joe) and, well, yeah.

Suffice to say his confession didn't go as well as he might've hoped.

He got shot down, and hard.

Brutally, brutally hard.

And the worst of it is, Iris is probably right, too.

Not in her (totally unnecessary) implications that he was only confessing now that she finally had a serious relationship with another guy because he was being stupidly possessive (it's not true - he's not Joe!), but in the fact that Barry was wrong to try to interfere.

Eddie's a good guy and he’s good for Iris.

The fact that Barry would kinda-sorta-maybe-definitely prefer that he was the one making Iris happy isn't the point.

The point is, Iris' relationship isn't about Barry.

The point is -

Okay, the point is that he got shot down and then Iris stormed out of Jitters and then he went to get another drink to soothe his aching heart with sugar and then, in his moment of need, he got hit on by the most beautiful man Barry has ever seen.

Listen, Barry's not really big on the whole sign-from-above "when fate closes a door it opens a window" sort of philosophy, but wow.

Barry's not saying that his thus far totally platonic interactions with Len are destiny's consolation prize for nearly fucking up his relationship with Iris (thank god for Caitlin's timely intervention, complete with her totally implausible invention of ‘lightning strike confusion’ and willingness to lie to someone while looking at them straight in the eye, because thanks to that Barry still has a best friend despite - direct quote - 'temporarily imitating an asshole Nice Guy', which, ouch), but, well, if it is, then hell yes Barry is okay with being consoled.

It doesn't make up for his epic failure with Iris, and the slow death of all those dreams he’s been nursing since he was a kid, of course, and Barry's not even sure he's really interested in a relationship right now, given the Streak stuff, much less a relationship with Len who he’s really only met for fifteen minute intervals while on coffee breaks, but all caveats aside -

Okay, for serious, it’s-Leonard-but-please-call-me-Len is just so unbelievably hot.

He’s got these amazing grey-blue eyes and cheekbones that could cut a man and close-cropped salt-and-pepper hair that makes a person want to run their hands over it, and that’s just his face, that’s not even accounting for those broad shoulders and leanly muscled arms and that trim little waist and legs that go on for days, even putting aside the crutch he usually leans on that somehow manages to give the guy a sort of innocent charm that abruptly gets shattered the second he flashes that roguish, mischievous smile of his –

…yeah.

Too long, didn’t read: Len is H-O-T hot.

So, yeah, maybe Barry's kinda keeping an eye out for him every time he goes to Jitters. He's only bumped into Len when he's doing coffee runs alone so far, and he's pretty sure Cisco and Caitlin think he's overstating the sheer hotness factor involved here. He'd love to have an opportunity to point Len out to them now that they're actually here with him for once so they can see that he is 100% not understating the situation here.

Of course, Joe is also meeting them today, since they're discussing one of the new metas on the loose, and if he points Len out to Cisco and Caitlin as "hot coffee guy" then Joe will also see, which - no.

For many, many reasons: no.

Anyway, it doesn't matter, since he doesn't see Len anywhere and when he glances over at his new favorite barista, Kendra, she shakes her head a little to confirm that Len isn't in right now and hasn't been in the last hour.

It's things like that that have earned her that spot as his favorite.

Also the fact that she whispered to Barry that Len was trying to get his attention, because otherwise Barry might have missed it (lost as he was in his own angst) and that right there would have been a tragedy.

"- you listening, Barry?"

"Uh, yeah," Barry lies, jerked out of his daydream. "Yeah, totally."

"Uh-huh," Cisco says, but he's grinning. "Sure you were."

Barry rolls his eyes at him. "What were you saying, then?"

"Just that it's nice to have a week free of new metas for once, that's all. Oh, and then I said something about purple spiders from Mars to see if you were paying attention."

Of course he did.

Cisco's so much fun.

"I wonder if Barry drifting off has anything to do with his abilities," Caitlin muses. "I mean, Barry, you run much faster, and that means your reflexes have to be a lot faster to compensate - maybe you're drifting because you're incorporating information faster..?"

"Oooorrrr maybe I'm just daydreaming," Barry suggests quickly, hoping to stave off another round of testing. Ugh, testing. Though to be fair, he did agree to STAR Labs testing him to try to design ways to help people in exchange for their help with the Streak (what an awful name) stuff...

Of course, other than Caitlin, they've mostly ended up focusing on Speedster (no, that's worse) stuff instead, even Dr. Wells...

On second thought, Barry really hopes "the Flash" will end up sticking as his official superhero name. That sounds pretty cool. Like, comics Flash Gordon kind of cool.

He wishes he could be as cool as Flash Gordon.

"Hey, Joe!" Cisco says, waving, and Barry looks up with a smile.

A smile that quickly fades when he sees the expression on Joe's face, a familiar mulish expression that comes complete with the figurative thundering storm-clouds over his head.

(God, it’s a good thing Joe isn’t a meta.)

"Did something happen?" Barry demands immediately. "Is Iris okay?"

"Is it another meta?" Cisco asks.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, no, don't worry about it," Joe says, waving a hand. "Nothing's up. No new metas, and Iris is fine - though she's still writing that Streak-Flash blog; Barry, didn't I tell you to talk about that with her?"

"I did," Barry says. He has. Both as Barry and as the Streak-now-Flash. "It didn't work."

"Try again," Joe suggests. "I don't want her involved in all this meta business, you know that."

"I know, I know..."

Maybe Barry could hint to her about how he prefers the new nickname while he's at it.

Besides, Iris seems a lot more into the Streak (ugh, he really hates that name) than she is into boring old Barry Allen, so maybe he could...

She's still dating Eddie, though. And damnit, Barry likes Eddie.

It would probably be just as wrong to hit on Iris in his superhero disguise as it would be to do it as Barry.

Ugh, how did getting superpowers make his life so much more complicated?

"Why do you look so pissy, then, if nothing's happening?" Cisco asks.

Joe levels him with a look. "Pissy?"

"I mean, uh -" Cisco stutters, then gives up and takes refuge in his iced coffee, which he's slurping through a straw.

"You know what he means, Joe," Barry says. Joe's not really that annoyed at Cisco for the comment, he just likes to tease; it’s just that when Joe’s in a bad mood, it’s hard to tell when he’s teasing. His eyes don’t crinkle up the way they usually do. "If nothing’s going on, what's got you so angry?"

"Even Cisco and I can tell that you're upset about something," Caitlin points out.

"Nah, it's nothing," Joe says, but he settles into his seat and takes a long sip from the coffee Barry set aside for him. "Just the pest problem we’ve got at work."

"We - do?" Barry says, blinking. He hasn't heard anything like that, and usually they post the vermin notices everywhere. He'll have to prepare his lab – being up in the building’s equivalent to the attic makes him even more vulnerable. "Like, are we talking rats or cockroaches or-?"

Joe starts laughing.

Oh, he was being figurative.

Thanks, Joe. Barry would never have guessed that, given that the CCPD has gotten fumigated at least twice since Barry started working there.

At least his mistake put Joe in a better mood.

"No, no," Joe says, wiping his eyes. "Not that type of pest. Well, maybe; I could see my way to calling it a rat problem. Anyway, no, what I meant was, we've got this crazy new IA guy, Captain Cold -"

"Captain Cold?" Cisco asks. "Wow. Epic name."

"What's IA?" Caitlin asks.

"Internal Affairs," Barry supplies. "Also known as Internal Investigations, sometimes. They investigate complaints made against cops."

"Like I said," Joe says, good mood fading. "It’s a rat problem. These guys go after other cops, good cops, and tear them down over one little mistake, leaving us short-handed and thinking more about sticking to every little rule in the book than about doing our jobs when we should all be focused on dealing with the actual bad guys -"

"That's a little unfair," Barry protests, even though he knows from experience that he's never going to win this particular argument. "There are bad cops out there, Joe, you know that. Remember Dibny?"

"Dibny?" Cisco asks.

Barry can feel himself getting angry all over again, which is stupid, because it's been at least a year or two since the whole thing happened, and yet...

"Ralph Dibny was a cop Barry took a dislike to just when he was first starting out," Joe is explaining. "He wasn't really all that good at his job, so Barry never much liked him, and then Barry caught him taking some shortcuts and reacted badly -"

"Joe!" Barry exclaims. "That's not what happened!"

"What did happen, then?" Caitlin asks.

"Dibny planted evidence," Barry says. The memory of it still makes his hackles go up; he'd been so angry at the time. He still is, actually, but it'd been a brand new type of awful back then. When he'd first joined the force, he'd had such an idealized view of the justice system and of the work cops did in particular: rooting out injustice, stopping crime, finding the truth and freeing the innocently incarcerated, getting bad people off the streets and into rehabilitation programs, the works.

And then along came Dibny, with his smug smirk and his boasting and lust for glory -

"He was investigating a murder, a woman that got stabbed," Barry continues. "He thought the husband did it, everyone thought the husband did it, he was a real scumbag, but unfortunately there was no proof that the guy was involved. At least, there was no proof until Dibny found a knife with the husband's fingerprints on it. The second that happened, of course, he was treated like a hero for finally nailing the guy."

"Let me guess," Cisco said. "Not the real knife?"

"I tested it and it didn't match up," Barry confirms. "Different blade, different handle - there was no way it could've been the murder weapon, and the way Dibny went about the whole thing made it clear that it wasn't an innocent accident. He'd planted it deliberately to try to frame the guy –"

“Given Barry’s history with the whole mom and pop stabbing thing, Barry blew up,” Joe says, shaking his head a little. He hadn’t approved at the time; he’d thought Barry was sticking his nose in where it wasn’t needed, that Barry should have left it to IA to handle, if it was handled at all, but Barry had persisted. “He even testified against Dibny.”

“He deserved it,” Barry says firmly.

“But it did mean that a murderer walked free.”

“We never had solid evidence that Reagan killed his wife,” Barry snaps. “That’s the whole point. Dibny could have been framing an innocent man based on nothing but his own assumption that the guy was guilty. Whether Regan's a murderer is still unknown, but with Dibny we knew beyond any doubt that he broke the law.”

That’d been the moment when Barry realized that freeing his dad wasn’t just a matter of finding the Man in Yellow, but also of proving it. The CCPD had assumed that Barry’s dad had killed his mom because it was the easiest assumption, because they'd never believed Barry's stories of the Man in Yellow, but just because it was easy didn’t mean it was right.

And, yeah, sure, a few of the cops (most of the cops) had given Barry the cold shoulder for a while until Joe had explained the thing with Barry’s dad, replacing at least some of the glares with looks of sympathy (pity, really), and, yeah, maybe some of the friction he still has with a whole bunch of them might be from that rather than from the whole punctuality thing (and, uh, the bad social skills thing, too) that he usually blames it on, but whatever.

Barry’s still sure he did the right thing.

“To be fair, we’re doing a bit of law-breaking ourselves,” Cisco points out. “Being a superhero vigilante isn’t exactly legal, you know.”

"It's not the same," Barry says, but he frowns.

It is different. Isn't it?

“Barry's right. At least we know for sure that the metas we fight against are doing bad things,” Caitlin says. “And it’s not like we can just leave this up to the police: with his powers, Barry’s the only one who can stop them.”

Very true. That helps put Barry's mind at ease.

“The most important thing is to get these guys off the streets so they’re not hurting anyone else,” Joe agrees. “That's why you guys set up the Accelerator prison, right? To keep them from hurting anyone else? That’s a good thing in my book."

"Yeah," Barry says. "And to rehabilitate them."

Well, they maybe haven’t done all that much of that yet, but they're going to – Dr. Wells said –

"Anyway," Joe says, interrupting Barry's train of thought. "This whole thing’s not really a big deal, but it does mean we all need to walk a little more carefully until this Captain Cold guy –”

“God I love that name,” Cisco mutters.

“– gets tired of his most recent vendetta and moves onto harassing a different precinct.”

“Do you know who he’s after now?” Caitlin asks.

“No clue,” Joe says. “That’s why everyone’s got to be careful; this guy has a rep for being going after anyone who gets on his bad side. Doesn't matter how long you've been with the department or how much good you've done, once you're on his shit list, you're going down. He took down fifty guys in one massive sting his very first month in the job -"

“In one month?” Cisco exclaims, clearly impressed. “How?”

“Apparently, before he became Head of IA, he’d been working undercover or something,” Joe says with a shrug. “And while he was spying, he took the time to record some shady exchanges while he was doing it - and then turned them all in.”

“What, all at once?”

“Yeah. From what I hear, this guy got his promotion while still in his hospital bed, then checked out AMA the next day to wheel himself into the DA’s office and drop a pile of fully written case folders on their desks, demanding they investigate all of them at the same time –”

“Wait,” Caitlin says, “if he went straight from the hospital to the DA’s office, where’d he get the folders?”

“That’s not the point. The point is, losing fifty guys at once like that - especially without any consideration as to if there were valid reasons for them to be making those deals - has been killer on everyone’s workload. We’re all going crazy, the streets are under-policed, and does he care? No. He’s nowhere near done yet.”

"Why haven't I heard about this guy?" Barry asks.

Joe gives him a look.

"...what?"

"That would involve actually being in the office sometime, Bar."

"...oh, right. I've been busy."

"With Streak stuff," Joe agrees.

"With Flash stuff, please, Joe," Barry says, pained.

"Seriously," Cisco agrees. "The Flash is a much better name. Have you hinted about calling yourself the Flash to Iris? Her blog is, like, metahuman gossip central; it could probably popularize it -"

Barry starts nodding before he realizes that Joe is glaring.

"- but obviously that's not going to be an issue because she's totally going to stop writing it any day now because it's way too dangerous?" Cisco adds very quickly.

"Why'd you end that with a question," Joe growls.

"Uh, I mean - I - uh -"

Barry starts laughing, and Joe's stern face dissolves into a wry grin.

"Don't let him scare you," Barry advises a very relieved looking Cisco. If Joe wasn't here, he'd add that Iris doesn't listen to anyone anyway, but Joe hasn't entirely accepted that yet, and there's no point in starting a real argument.

Barry prefers to avoid confrontation whenever possible.

Cisco's phone buzzes.

"Oh, hey, guys, Wells has some news for us," he says, reading the text. "Let's head back to STAR Labs."

They all pack up their stuff and start heading out the door while Barry goes and throws out all the trash (he has no idea how he keeps ending up with all the chores, even when he does them at boring old regular speed). He’s just tossed it and turned to start following them when he sees Len come in through the other door, leaning heavily on his crutch as usual.

Barry hesitates, torn between going over to say hello and finding out what news Wells has for them. If it's something relating to another one of the many dangerous metas they suspect are out there, then he has a moral obligation to put that ahead of personal things. But if it’s just more testing, well...

Len sees him and smiles. Not a big smile; Len doesn't do those, just a little lift of his lips and a crinkling of his eyes that makes him look happy to see Barry, and yowza, Barry keeps forgetting how freaking hot Len is. Rather, he remembers, oh does he remember, it’s just that he keeps convincing himself that no one who smiles at him like that could possibly be that hot, and then he sees Len and nope, the guy really is every bit as hot as he'd thought.

Okay, maybe just a quick chat.

He speed-walks (he doesn't dare go faster than that until he's figured out how not to go lightning every time he tries to run) over to Len.

"Uh, hi," he says.

Wow. Uncool, Barry.

"Barry," Len says, still smiling that tiny little smile. "You coming or going?"

"Going, unfortunately," Barry says, and means it. "My friends - we've got a thing -"

"I've got a thing myself, so I wouldn’t be able to stick around anyway," Len says. "But while I have you, maybe you can help me resolve a problem."

"Sure, anything," Barry says.

"I had plans for a business dinner this Friday evening, but the guy in question ended up having to cancel on short notice," Len says, and Barry's heart starts going a mile a minute. "My secretary tells me that the reservations are non-refundable, and rather expensive."

Barry nods mutely. Is Len asking him out?! He's not prepared for this. It's too soon! He hasn't even figured out his position vis-à-vis the Flash and Iris and everything yet?

"Unfortunately, all of my friends are also busy that day," Len continues. "I don't suppose you'd be free to go with me...? Just to get to know each other a bit better, of course; it’s pretty hard to get acquainted via five minute chats over coffee."

"Of course," Barry echoes. So, basically, as friends? He can do friends. He can totally do friends. And from friends...well, he can worry about the rest later. He beams. "Yes, of course. I'd be happy to."

"Excellent," Len drawls, looking pleased. "Meet here and head over around seven? It ain't far, even for me."

"Absolutely!" Barry says, then notices Caitlin lingering by the door, looking for him. "Uh, but for now -"

He lifts a hand in an apologetic wave, and Len dips his head a little, waving back - half "good to see you", half "go on then, I'll catch you another time" - before executing a perfect turn on his crutch to catch the barista just as someone tries to steal his place in line while he's distracted.

Len is so damn cool.

Barry sighs and heads out the door.

"Is that Cool Coffee Guy?" Caitlin, the only one who lingered behind long enough to see their interaction, asks.

"Yeah," Barry says. "That's him."

"Nice."

Barry grins at her. It's good to have friends. "I told you. And it’s Hot Coffee Guy."

Grinning back, she nudges his shoulder a little. "Nuh-uh. That guy might be pretty, but he’s way too cool to be hot. You should go for it."

"Really?" he asks. "Even with the whole, you know, thing?"

"I don't know if you mean your abilities or your crush on Iris, but either way, yes," Caitlin says firmly. She smiles wistfully. "It's important not to let your work become everything to you, no matter how important it is. Ronnie taught me that."

"Don't forget that that lesson applies to you, too," Barry tells her. He's still honored that she chose to share her memories of her late fiancé with him. "C'mon, after we do whatever it is that Wells wants us for today, we'll go out for ice cream, you and me and Cisco." He can't imagine Wells going, no matter how nice the man is. He's a very private person. "How's that sound?"

"Could be nice," Caitlin allows, then smiles mischievously. "But first you have to ask out Cool Coffee Guy. Deal?"

"Deal," Barry says with a smirk. "And now you have no choice but to go get ice cream with us, because Cool Coffee Guy just asked me to go to dinner with him on Friday."

"He did? That's great!"

"Well, as friends," Barry amends.

"Still great," Catilin says, linking arms with him. "Though I'm not sure that entirely counts -"

"Awww, c’mon, Caitlin -"

"But I guess I'll count it anyway," she finishes, smiling. "Now let's catch up with the others."

Barry grins. "In a flash."

[onesparrow]

An essay on why Mama Mia is about a bunch of sirens and takes place in the same universe as Kingsman

Buckle your seatbelts kids, and let me tell why all the leading ladies in Mama Mia are sirens and how this applies to Kingsman. (and James Bond, sometimes)

So it’s the 80’s and Kingsman is keeping tabs on MI6, as they do, when they see that they’ve sent 007 to Greece of all places. Merlin assumes that this is because of the very bizarre reports they’ve been getting about possible mind control drugs, and when 007 is reported being seen with Donna (Meryl Streep), he sends Harry out under the guise of Harry Bright.

Off he goes, discovers that there are, in fact, no drugs, and comes back. All is fine and dandy, no one is any the wiser of the siren thing, and nothing happens for twenty years or so. But then Harry gets an invite to a wedding, Merlin catches wind that 007 is also going, and yeah that’s a little suspicious, so Harry gets sent back off to Greece.

“Remember that Harry Bright is not spontaneous and a dork,” Merlin reminds Harry as he ships him off. 

Queue Mama Mia, the movie, and Harry getting dragged into a bunch of song and dance routines while Merlin makes sure to record every second for posterity. Merlin eventually figures out that it’s not mind control drugs, it just so happens that Donna and Co are sirens and are much more powerful in numbers than they are on their own. Both Donna and Sophie are a good deal stronger than Donna’s friends, but that’s neither here nor there. They also have zero interest in using their powers for any purpose except for seducing the occasional person and throwing really wild parties. So he tells Harry to ride it out, which is why Harry pays for part of the wedding (with Kingsman money), and also claims to be 1/3 of Sophie’s dad even though there is no way that she’s his because Kingsman has all their agents on birth control. Even though there is nothing worth seeing (from a Kingsman perspective), Merlin has Harry stay for the rest of the wedding, James Bond gets married, and Harry has a brief fling with that Greek dude because why the hell not.

Merlin does a bit more research on sirens, and discovers the following;

Sirens are pack/school/pod whatever creatures and their powers are amplified in a group setting. The more of them there are, the more convincing they are, and can pretty much get entire crowds to join in. Since humans are also group based creatures, once there's a large enough group doing an activity, others are likely to jump in even if they aren't as easily effected. (like in flash mobs! there's always randos joining in)

Their powers are centred in suggestion, and since song is a really great way to get people to remember things, singing always works best for sirens. Plus makes it easier for other sirens to be in sync, vs just shouting things at random.

While sirens did use to bash ships onto rocks and lead men to their deaths, they only did so to protect their own territory. But now there’s laws against that, and also things like wifi. Sirens like youtube videos of baby animals just as much as the rest of us.

Sirens can’t really use their powers on each other; it’s just very tempting for other sirens to join in when they’re singing. There’s a certain pull there, but it’s easily resisted.

The siren gene is passed down on the mother's side, but not all sirens are female; there are male sirens, but they're a lot rarer just since there is a guarantee that female offspring will be sirens, but there's only a 50/50 shot that the male one will be. Female offspring are also more common, occurring 75% of the time.

And now let’s get back to Kingsman under the cut. 

Because you know who is a siren? Michelle Unwin, that’s who. I have evidence for this, but we’ll get to that later so bear with me. Like I said before, sirens are highly social, group based creatures; so when Michelle fell in love with Lee, it was VERY difficult for her to leave her family. But she loved him, there were tearful goodbyes and promises to visit the little coastal town she was from, but it wasn't on any main rail lines and they were busy with baby Eggsy and then Lee had to go off and join Kingsman and die. So while Michelle used to sing to Eggsy when he was a baby, she gets too depressed after Lee’s death and is trying to keep the two of them afloat, so she stops singing entirely.

Once Dean comes around, Michelle hasn't sung in years, because any songs of grief she would have sung for Lee would have been group based, as all siren songs are, and she hasn't been around any other sirens in years. She's too buried in her grief to consider going back to her family, and has lost contact anyhow, and then she meets Dean and she’s stuck there.

She's not 100% certain that Eggsy is a siren, but she forbids him from ever singing along with anything. Probably under the guise of 'Dean will hate it' or something, maybe even going as far as to telling him that Dean had complained about the quality of his voice (which is MASSIVELY taboo in siren culture, to tell another siren that their singing voice isn't up to par; that's just not a thing. It's not something you can ever say with any breadth of kindness) Eggsy is a good kid though, so he doesn't sing, even when he gets the urge.

He doesn’t sing at all until Daisy is born, and even then he’ll only sing when it's just the two of them, and only when she's upset. But even then it's super quietly, and only bits and pieces of a song. Daisy will always calm down when he sings, will just stare up at him and wave her tiny fists around happily or just go to sleep. Since Daisy is female, she’s for sure a siren (it's why Michelle was so terrified, when she called Eggsy in hysterics and demanded he come home from the army; she couldn't protect a baby from Dean by herself if she started to show her abilities). Singing and talking happens around the same time for baby sirens, and in the same way you can't forbid a baby from screaming or crying, you can’t forbid them to start singing if they get the urge. Since Eggsy sings to her, sometimes, she still has that social aspect that keeps the siren powers ‘awake’, even if it's weak. So her cries don't bring everyone running, but it does keep Dean and his men from trying to do anything unfortunate to keep her quiet. Sometimes they'll start to push past it, but once they get close enough to her crib she'll shriek loud enough that the 'back off' message is just strong enough to get them to leave her alone. Even baby sirens aren't helpless.

Side note; sirens have larger lung capacities which they use for singing, and are great swimmers because their preferred habitats are islands and they’d swim out to crash ships to protect them. Which is why Eggsy can hold his breath so long in that water test in comparison to the others.

Here’s how this ties back in properly to Kingsman; Valentine’s tech were based off of siren song. Originally, they were trying to reproduce it to the point so they could, like sirens, suggest a specific idea. That proved to be too complex though, so they settled for just suggesting a certain emotion, and then amp that frequency the hell up. So when the devices go off, Michelle has been suppressing her siren abilities for a solid seventeen years or so, so she gets drawn into it though. Daisy though? Daisy has been using it on and off, and she’s nearly a toddler when V-Day happens. Toddlers are entirely capable of the feeling of anger, and at the very least she should be throwing a temper tantrum, but instead she just sits in the bathroom and gets upset while her mother goes berserk and tries to murder her. Latent siren powers, huzzah!

Anywho, the rest of the Kingsman film goes as scripted, Eggsy becomes Gwaine, Harry comes back from the dead, neither Roxy nor Merlin die, Eggsy does not move out of Harry’s house, time passes, Harry and Eggsy get together, etc etc. I should mention that I have not seen Mama Mia 2 yet so we’re just going to ignore everything that happens there, but Harry gets an invite to Greece. Merlin insists that not only does he need more data points on siren abilities, especially post V-Day, Harry needs a vacation, and MI6 is there so he has to go. Harry points out that James Bond lives there with Donna, and therefore it doesn’t count as MI6 having a presence. Harry argues until Merlin mentions he’ll be sending Eggsy with him as backup, and suddenly Harry is thrilled to see his 1/3 daughter.

Both Eggsy and Harry work on some resistance training against siren song best they can, which is pretty easy because Harry has been actively been working on it since V-Day. Meanwhile Eggsy is a. stubborn as all hell b. has spent nearly his whole life resisting the urge to sing, which is half of the deal. They get to Greece, and Sophie IMMEDIATELY takes a shine to Eggsy, and is absolutely thrilled that Harry found someone to be happy with. Eggsy thinks Sophie is great, and that dorky Harry Bright is adorable. After the first few days though Eggsy is fairly stressed because he’s surrounded by several very powerful sirens and keeps resisting their siren songs, AND Harry keeps getting viciously hit on by everyone. I mean they're hitting on Eggsy too, but he doesn't notice because he's too busy being territorial; there is a very tan Greek man who keeps making doe eyes at Harry because they shacked up last time. (fun fact, greek dude from Mama Mia is also a siren, Merlin is cackling in the background)

The power keeps building as the third day goes around, and that night is when the party REALLY starts. Sirens feed off of group emotions, which is why they’re always so quick to cheer each other up, since otherwise you can end up bumming out everyone in the vicinity. It’s also one of the reasons that Valentine’s tech worked so well; the more people got involved, the more powerful it got. Anyways, by that point Eggsy’s jealousy has built and he’s fairly worn down by the constant barrage of “let’s throw a rager and flirt with everything that moves” mood the sirens have been throwing off the entire day. So when the karaoke thing starts, and Sophie goads him into doing a song, Eggsy is like “Yeah fuck it who cares if my voice is shit I am getting my ass up there here goes”.

Meanwhile Harry is also concerned because he’s been living with Eggsy for a year now and has never heard him sing, not even at Daisy’s birthday party where everyone sang and he just mumbled along. So he’s viciously texting Merlin about how he thinks that Eggsy has been effected and is going to make a fool of himself or something against his will, and please delete the recording as soon as it’s over, and then never bring it up. In the meantime Eggsy has vaulted up onto the stage, still stubborn and scowling, but once he gets up there he realises that he’s on a makeshift stage and has never sung anything before in his life. But he commits, because Sophie is giving him a thumbs up, and he’s not going to climb back off the stage now, is he?

Sophie puts on ‘Lay All Your Love On Me’ and while Eggsy is a little shy for the opening line or two, by the time the chorus starts he’s completely into it. By the second chorus the rest of the sirens have joined in, and Eggsy has jumped off the stage so that he can confidently put himself in Harry’s lap and is generally radiating such a strong ‘back the FUCK off’ vibe that he’s cleared a good sized circle around them. Donna is thrilled and is shouting things like “YOU TELL EM BOY” and Sophie is cackling because she’s placed bets on whether or not Eggsy had siren blood in him and will be collecting good money that night.

Harry is entirely shocked at first, and Merlin is 50% thrilled because this will be so useful and 50% pissed off because how did they not know about this earlier?!

The rest of the trip goes very well, aside from some shenanigans about whether or not James Bond is James Bond (Harry and Eggsy both swear that they’ve met James Bond, but Eggsy insists that that’s not him, because James Bond is blonde and blue eyed and together with MI6’s version of Merlin, and that’s how they figure out that James Bond is as much of a title as Galahad is), Sophie and Eggsy bond and she gives him a bunch of super secret siren tips that Merlin really wishes he hadn’t overheard. There’s singing, there’s dancing, etc etc.

Once Merlin gets over the things he heard and Eggsy and Harry get back to HQ, he already has a bunch of tests for Eggsy lined up. Which is how Eggsy and Roxy get locked in a sound proof room while Merlin hangs out on the other side of a sheet of soundproof glass with a mic and a cup of tea while Eggsy tries to get Roxy to join in on a duet of a Spice Girls song. That then inspires Merlin, and Eggsy finds himself staring down Roxy saying "tell me what you want, what you really really want" in various intonations to see if they could possibly use Eggsy's abilities as a truth serum. ((The answer is no, in part because Roxy can’t stop laughing))

They discover that Eggsy's powers mostly extend to people who are either susceptible to a good mental push (like drunk people, or those of particularly weak constitutions) or people who are letting themselves be pushed (like Harry, if they're alone and he's feeling like indulging Eggsy's brattiness). But as Merlin puts it "Unless we have an influx of targets hanging out in karaoke bars or greek islands, I don't know that it'll come up often”.

Oh and when they need more recruits Eggsy nominates Sophie. She’s been taught to fight by James Bond in the past few years so she has a leg up there, but she passes with flying colours and joins Kingsman.

Anyways thanks for coming to my TED talk on why Harry Bright is just Harry Hart’s cover and Eggsy and the ladies from Mama Mia are all sirens.

[cityoflondon-rp-blog]

BASIC INFORMATION:

NAME: Louisa Brooks. AGE: 30. PLACE OF BIRTH: Bideford, Devon, The United Kingdom. RESIDENCE: Richmond upon Thames. OCCUPATION: Strategic Communications and Reputation Management Specialist at The PHA Group. FACE CLAIM: Eleanor Tomlinson.

BIOGRAPHY:

Born and raised in the small market town of Barnstaple in Devon, Louisa Brooks was keenly aware from a young age that she was somehow ‘better’ than the small-town life that her parents had been so keen to expose her to. Never one to be openly dismissive of the towns Pannier Market, or the tiny but over the top celebrations celebrating the saints of the town, Louisa learned early on that it was always best to simply smile and say nothing at all. Perhaps she was ungrateful; time and time again when she walked across the bridge into the tiny town centre, she heard tourists speak of how quaint and beautiful the place was, how much they’d love to live there, whilst she had to restrain the urge to scream in their faces to get out whilst they still could. It wasn’t so much that she hated living in the west country, it was just that she longed for a place where people at least one person didn’t immediately recognise her when she walked into her parent’s tea room.

She kept her mouth shut though, there was no point, as far as she was concerned, arguing over something that was so set in stone. She would never have been so rebellious to run away at sixteen, and at any rate, even if she was more than a little irritated by the town itself, there was nothing she loved more than her family. Family was the centre of Louisa’s world; not so interested in popularity at school, she devoted her weekends to spending time working at the tea room, quietly baking up a storm or taking orders from waiting customers, and when she finished school at sixteen she decided immediately to throw herself into the business, working full time under her parents, and working at a local restaurant in the evening. Her plan was double-edged; working two jobs would help her build up savings, and working for her parents would get them in her good graces. Her plan, as it formed in her head, was to wait to eighteen and leave Bideford for somewhere bigger: Bristol.

Eighteen came and went though, and she still didn’t have the funds to make the separation. That was when that funny thing called fate stepped in: whilst working in the restaurant, pitching the specials to table 22, the woman at the head of the table grabbed her arm – she’d seen how Louisa had worked, and how over the course of the evening she’d upsold most of the specials and half of the drinks. She had a gift for the gab, the woman declared, and would be a sure-fire in a sales environment. And then the woman left her business card underneath the sizeable tip with the words “call me” scribbled underneath her name. She waited a week before she called, and a week after that she was booking a train ticket to London, an interview secured under her belt to work for a corporate events company. Admittedly the role was in sales and she had zero desire to sell her soul to corporate events, but when the pay packet was proposed to her, and the idea of living in London had planted itself in her head, there was no way she could return to Bideford, to the tea room, to her family. Her name on the dotted line, and a small room in a run-down corner of Elephant and Castle secured, Louisa could finally breathe easy: she’d escaped, and better things were on the horizon.

He worked opposite her in sales; a man so cocky and confident that immediately she loathed him. It was a night after one of the events, with a bottle of champagne shared between them at 3am that something changed. She swore blind she would never mix business with pleasure, but perhaps it was the low lighting of the hotel, or perhaps it was the sweet taste of the Veuve Clicquot, but whatever it was when he suggested they retire to his hotel room, she found herself saying yes. At twenty-years-old, he swept her off her feet, and after their one night together began to wine her and dine her constantly, dragging her off into the post room for a stolen kiss, weaving his hand in hers under the table when they went out for work drinks – the relationship was clandestine, a secret kept between them away from the HR policies that would demand they declare their relationship. It kept things exciting, fresh, sexy. And yet they still got caught out by a nosy colleague who noticed they’d disappeared for twenty minutes. Louisa fully prepared herself for the inevitable breakup, she was convinced that he would get bored, that the relationship would be done to save face, and yet a month later, hand in hand they declared their relationship to HR, then to their friends.

A year later he proposed. Six months after that, they realised she was pregnant. The wedding was delayed until finally a year after giving birth to their daughter when they tied the knot in a quiet, intimate ceremony in front of their family and forty guests. Two months after the wedding the discovered she was pregnant once again. By now, she had been promoted, out of the role of Sales Executive and into Operations Manager for the events, but as time went on she found herself falling out of love with the work she was doing. Her husband loved it, he too had been promoted into Project Management, their home, whilst small was quaint and perfect for two young children, but her work was unsatisfying, and they had grown increasingly tired of her having to duck out for child care arrangements. The job offer in Reputation Crisis Management fell into her hand quite unexpectedly, after a networking session for young professional women and a couple of large glasses of rose wine. She was always good in a crisis, the sort of person people turned to when things needed fixing, she was used to dealing with demanding individuals…and quite like that, after working in corporate events for seven years, she handed in her notice.

The workload was far more demanding – clients called her at all hours of the day, weekends were spent rushing into the office to fix problems, and her relationship grew increasingly neglected. When they returned home from the end of a day’s work, there was no desire or spark with either of them, just exhaustion and an unspoken agreement that they would just go to sleep that evening. Between young children and demanding workloads, both of them grew distant, and whilst there were no hard feelings between them, they knew that the relationship was on borrowed time. They tried to fix it, couples therapy, dirty weekends away, date nights but whenever things seemed to be fixing themselves, work came back into the picture, or the kids became the priority. Eventually, they came to the same conclusion: they simply weren’t in love anymore. Louisa had always had a calm head, and her priority was always her children, and so together they sat down, and made some tough decisions. Eventually, they came out with an agreement; he would see the kids every weekend, he would only ever be half an hour away, both of them agreed to babysit or move around their schedules if they needed to, and they would still have a family day once a month. It wasn’t necessarily traditional, but it worked. He moved out, renting a flat out in Putney, and she remained in Mortlake, balancing work and family, and snapping at anyone who dared to suggest that her relationship was dysfunctional

And so, she lives out the daily grind, working hard at her job, always on the phone, rescuing people and companies from themselves. It’s not uncommon to see her standing behind a hotelier or a tech company at a press-event, jumping in whenever they go off script, and yet every night she goes home to her children. Her world revolves around her kids and everything she does is for them. Sometimes, when she spends evenings fixing other people’s lives she regrets the choices she made, the voice in the back of her head says she’s a bad mother, but most of the time she can ignore it. For now, she simply has to move on with her life, and wait for the chips to fall as they may.

POSITIVE TRAITS: Driven. Calm. Generous. Witty.      NEGATIVE TRAITS: Short tempered. Blunt. Proud.

SOCIAL CONNECTIONS:

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Married but separated.  FAMILY: Jean and Stewart Foster – parents (NPC), Jack Foster - younger brother (name UTP - playable), James Brooks husband (name UTP - playable), Samantha Brooks, Jack Brooks – children (NPC) IDEAL CONNECTIONS:

#1 The baby brother. Her other half. The one who always knows what to say. Who knows her inside and out. When times are tough, he is the one she turns to without a moment’s hesitation, the one who she foists the kids off to whenever problems arise at work, the one who has been with her every step of the way throughout the separation. In other words, the one person who can always make the world right, even when hell seems all around

#2 The almost ex-husband. Sometimes relationships don’t work out. There is no rhyme or reason, the spark merely goes out and can’t be resurrected. He and Louisa parted on good terms, an amicable separation where both simply accepted that they’d just run out of steam. They continue to co-parent their children, and live a train ride away so they still see each other frequently. They still love each other of course, they’re just not in love anymore – not that it makes it any easier to watch him move on.

#3 Clients. The people who she’s employed to protect from themselves. Her phone buzzes most evenings with mini-crises that can be handled with a short phone call, but she prefers to take a hands-on approach. Regular client lunches, freebies to gallery openings, philanthropic events, anything that will help boost the client’s reputation – even if they’re a dirtbag away from the cameras. Hey, who is she to judge? She’s just doing what she’s paid for.

[taaroko]

Post-IW MCU Rewatch: Ant-Man

Yay, time for Ant-Man! This one has rather grown on me over the last couple of viewings (not that I ever didn’t like it).  

Hi middle-aged Peggy! (Isn’t it great how many times Hayley Atwell managed to get herself into these movies beyond what the original plan was, out of sheer enthusiasm? Yeah, I’m still bitter Agent Carter got cancelled.)

The music for the logo is awesome.

My killjoy brother says the main reason he dislikes this movie is that he doesn’t think it makes sense that Hank would ever trust some stranger (Scott) with his tech. Um. Hank has been protective of the tech because he doesn’t want it to be abused. But Scott proved he wasn’t a corporate goon by going to prison for screwing over a corrupt corporation. He’s proven himself. Also he doesn’t have the knowledge to make more of the particles, so he can’t steal any of the secrets himself. 

Luis is probably my favorite sidekick in the whole MCU. He’s irrepressibly cheerful, he compulsively makes delicious-looking waffles, he’s a refined wine man and fan of neo-cubism yet also steals two smoothie machines, and when he goes into ramble mode it’s the greatest thing ever.

Anyone who has ever worked food service has met an idiot like Scott’s customer. Also his boss is basically David Brent. Trying way too hard to be cool, but kind of a git and a coward.

Scott’s attitude is super endearing. Very chill, understated reactions to things that annoy him. You get the impression that it’s not so much that he’s a very patient man as that he’s just so used to stuff like Luis’s antics that he’s become kind of inured to it. He’s also able to roll with the punches. Getting fired from Baskin Robbins could’ve made him bitter and angry, but instead he just kind of shrugs and takes that Mango Fruit Blast. He’s not prideful at all. 

I called the tank being real by the second time the keychain appeared onscreen. Chekhov’s Tank!

Hello, Darren Cross, dude who is only not the worst MCU villain because Malekith exists. (How did Malekith manage to have less of a personality than Darren? It’s absurd.)

The ad video for the Yellowjacket is horrifying. Do people actually make ad videos for advanced weaponry? Do they narrate them with movie narrator voices and tidy up the diction to make them sound like wonderful good pieces of technology, but in a not-entirely-convincing way?

How is a hand on a shoulder such a sinister and obvious sign of impending murder?

Cassie is the most adorable little girl ever, and the kid playing her is a really good actress. I love that Scott is a dad. It makes him much more interesting. (Also is he the only divorcé in the entire MCU? Wait no, May is too. I think he’s the only one in the movies, though.)

“He’s so ugly! I LOVE HIM!” AAAAGH. SO CUTE.

I love that all the little details keep coming back. (The tank, the “La Cucaracha” horn.” Just lots of really good callbacks. It’s hard to believe this movie had production issues with changing directors.)

The way Darren kills that guy by shrinking him, and then wipes him up and flushes him, is ridiculously horrific. And the way he looks in the mirror after that is probably the most interesting he ever is in the movie. He knows the path he’s going down, and he’s not stopping.

So it’s not entirely clear. Is Hope dating Darren? Are they living together? Or are they just business partners? I’m confused.

YES LUIS STORY TIME. This is like Kid History, and it’s my favorite thing. Please please please make an MCU recap narrated by Luis, Marvel.

This music is weird and fun. I love it.

Scott parkouring is great. I wonder why he developed that skillset when he was just an electrical engineer. Has he been doing it since he was a kid?

Scott is like the midpoint between Tony Stark and Peter Quill in almost every way. Good at outside-the-box solutions, has engineering skills (but not at Tony’s level), a sense of humor that’s more self-deprecating than Tony’s but less wide-eyed dorky than Peter’s, etc. That’s awesome.

Could you be more transparently evil than using a bleating white lamb for your ill-fated lab experiments?

Huh. There’s a moment where Scott looks in the mirror too. Is that meant to be a contrast with when Darren does it? For Scott, it’s a moment where he resigns himself to failing, even though he caved and did the burglary. I don’t really see the connection, emotionally, to the way Darren looked in the mirror, but I guess one of them is the apprentice Hank rejected, and the other is the apprentice he ultimately chose. *shrug*

Ant-Man perspective is great. The encounter with the rat is terrifying.

You broke Scott’s chill, Hank!

Okay, so Scott’s actual superpower is changing his clothes at the speed of light. It was entirely unnecessary for them to give him such a small interval of time to get the suit on.

“What happens if I throw up in this helmet?”

There were zero bullet ants on the floor in the initial wide shot of the room. Also in the second wide shot. Which takes place two seconds before Scott tries to put his foot on the floor. Did they...forget to render ants in those shots? Or did they forget there were going to be ants there when they filmed from that angle? Gonna count that one as a mistake, because they could not have gotten all over the floor that fast.

They really needed to do more to explain about Darren’s brain chemistry getting messed up by the particles, because as far as I can tell, the first time he ever shrinks himself is on the helicopter at the end. How do these particles make him evil/crazy, exactly? What was he like before? What have the particles done to Hank?

Also they shouldn’t have explained the particles as changing “atomic relative distance” without also explaining that the suit allows you to control your weight relative to size. Because sometimes Ant-Man appears to weigh as much as he looks like he should, but the rest of the time, he’s clearly still 180 lbs in that tiny space (with the reverse problem when he becomes Giant-Man). If he always weighed 180 lbs while being the size of an ant, he would constantly punch through surfaces by walking on them, and if he was always the weight of an ant, he’d be powerless to do anything except be sneaky.

The montages in this movie are great.

Scott uses Hope’s move later. :D And she was totally checking him out.

Huh. Hope and Scott’s conversation in the car happens exactly halfway through the movie, and it’s the turning point. This is when they start being on the same team.

Hank’s revelation about Janet comes rather out of nowhere. I feel like they could’ve woven that in more effectively. It’s also a little exposition-heavy to entirely work on the emotional level.

This gesture by Scott is one of the best things.

I love the crossovers. Crossovers forever! (Seriously, put Thor cameos in future GotG movies and Loki cameos in future Doctor Strange movies. No, I don’t for a second believe Loki is really dead.)

Poor Sam. He missed out on Sokovia just to get trolled by this rando in a shrinking suit.

Hope saw Scott use her move! Hee!

Sinister hand on shoulder!

Okay, Hope’s “I’m at home” line is why I was confused about whether she and Darren were dating and living together. But it occurs to me now that there’s not really an implication that it’s his home too. So I think they’re just business partners. Good. Because Darren being double-crossed by his girlfriend and failing to react on that level would have made him a much worse character than he already was.

Seriously love Luis, and the other two guys are great too. Excellent crew of wombats.

I love the wallpaper in Hank’s house. Also, just, all of Hank’s house. It’s so pretty.

Okay I absolutely believe that Luis was the only guy to ever knock out that huge dude from the prison. He’s been knocking people out with single punches left and right on this job so far. I love him even more now! That’s such a cool little bit of consistency for him.

Is it true that cops use Crown Victorias as their undercover cars most often? Because I’ve kind of assimilated that as real-life trivia ever since theaters.

What was the point of frying the servers if they were just going to shrink the building to nothing anyway?

Kurt and Tip are hilarious. “There was a black guy who looked exactly like me who attacked us and put us in the back of this disgusting van!”

So if the Avengers have spent the last year taking down Hydra facilities, how are there still people in Hydra who can spend billions for Yellowjacket suits?

I thought Hank was going to die the first time I saw this. Now I’m betting this will be a How to Train Your Dragon situation with Ant-Man and the Wasp, where not long after we discover the long-lost mom, the dad gets killed.

Darren’s villain music is the best thing about him. It’s very unnerving.

All the fights while Scott’s in the suit are so much fun to watch.

“Are we the good guys? Feels kinda weird.”

I don’t like that the chain attachment on the tank also gets huge. And how does a tank cushion a three-storey drop?

That Darren is able to shoot ants is very silly and weird. Would’ve worked better if there was buckshot or something. But still. This movie made me care about an ant dying.

Dangit, Darren, you just killed everyone else in the chopper. You suck.

Briefcase fight! I remember how hard everyone laughed when “Disintegration” started playing in theaters. So great.

All the abrupt cuts from epic to insignificantly small are what make these fights so funny and awesome.

Bug zapper! I watched this with my dad recently (his first time seeing it) and he laughed so hard at the bug zapper.

Another tased Avenger!

So I thought this movie was going to be stupid, right up until the trailer got to the bit with Thomas the Tank Engine. Then I knew it was going to be amazing. It’s still probably my favorite moment in the whole movie.

They kinda overdid it with the “back it up” bit.

Giant ant! Poor Paxton.

Did anyone not see it coming from the moment Hank talked about going sub-atomic that Scott was going to have to do it at the end?

The infinite shrink is mesmerizing to look at. I bet this movie was cool in 3-D. (I have glasses, so 3-D is not so fun.)

Hi Janet!

The bottom half of that face in the photo actually looks kinda like Michelle Pfeiffer’s face. Nice work!

Hahaha, I love that Cassie kept the ant as a dog.

MORE STORIES FROM LUIS! The way he blinks too many times after he finishes is what really clinches it.

So yeah, I like me a heist movie, and it was definitely a brilliant decision on Marvel’s part to go small (figuratively and literally) with the next movie after Ultron. It is a mistake to think you always have to escalate your threats in a series. That was the problem for a while with Supernatural, and it’s definitely a problem in shows like Dragonball Z and Naruto too. Ant-Man was the perfect way to scale back and remind us that these movies are a ton of fun. I’m so glad that they did the same thing with the scheduling of Infinity War and Ant-Man and the Wasp, and I can’t wait for July 6.

I really hope Ant-Man and the Wasp does the same thing Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 did, and goes deeper with the characters instead of just getting bigger in scope. Because Ant-Man is one of the more surface-level movies in the MCU. Scott doesn’t really carry a lot of angst, so even though his arc is about proving he can be the hero Cassie sees him as, it’s pretty chill, with just a couple of moments where he loses...hope...(dang it) in his ability to make this work and be the dad he wants to be.

The bigger emotional arc was Hank and Hope, because Hope absolutely carries her angst and bitterness in a big way. They’re kind of a representation of what Scott and Cassie could end up being if Scott doesn’t get his crap together. And Darren is an evil parallel for Scott, obviously. All of the different arcs probably would’ve worked better if they’d spent enough time and effort on Darren to make him interesting. But the lack of depth in all of the arcs doesn’t ruin the movie because it’s a comedy. This is deliberately a light, fun comedy action movie, and it’s great.

Also it has a good and memorable soundtrack, so bonus points.

[theoneandonlyocelot]

CA: CW - or, Why I Don’t Trust Tony Stark

Okay, so I’ve read a lot of MCU and CACW stuff, and I noticed a couple of things that nobody else has addressed, so here goes:

I’ll say right up front, I LOVED Iron Man 1, okay? Like, I STILL think it’s one of THE BEST superhero movies ever made. The fact that they took what could have been a very fluff  character, and took the time to take him back to square one, hold him responsible, make his transformation MEAN SOMETHING to him, I was, and still AM, VERY VERY IMPRESSED. RDJ’s performance on top of that just made that character MATTER, when by all accounts he’s not much in the comic books. When he tells Pepper he needs her help because “You’re all I have,” and a few minutes later in the conversation she reminds him to be careful because “You’re all I have too, you know,” that kills me. Be still my heart!!

BUT.

And this is a big, painful “but.”

Throughout the first movie, Tony has two or three basic character flaws that he DOES NOT address:

1) He is reckless and impulsive and DOES NOT THINK THINGS THROUGH. He is also breathtakingly egotistical. Driving 90+ mph through twisty canyon roads in a sports car when he could end up over a cliff? Not a thought. I cringed in the theater, knowing how easily that could have ended in disaster. I don’t care how good a driver you are, you are not immune to unforeseen road conditions. When he discovers, on the battle field, that he’s being shot at by his own weapons, is kidnapped, and eventually decides to make the Iron Man Prototype, he LITERALLY does not stop to think that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, the bad guys are going to want this piece of tech, too? Like, he LITERALLY makes zero plans to make sure that his designs for the suit won’t end up in the wrong hands?? And I completely CANNOT believe that he couldn’t rig up a fail-safe mechanism to destroy everything should they have been discovered or their escape plan had failed.

And the company dealing under the table? It never seems to have occurred to him “Hmm, maybe I should go home, lay low, and do some quiet snooping UNTIL I FIND OUT WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?” No. He goes home, IMMEDIATELY ANNOUNCES TO THE WORLD THAT HE’S HALTING ALL WEAPONS PRODUCTION, and tells Obadiah what he knows. Not only does he not seem to realize that this level of double-dealing probably goes VERY, VERY HIGH up in his organization, he never takes steps to protect himself from the possible backlash. That is a level of naivete and self-absorption that would have been drilled out of most people upon being kidnapped, but one Tony clings to throughout the series.

On top of that, he never gives a thought to the people who work for him (who are now temporarily laid off until his plants can be converted). He never gives a heads-up to Rhodey, his military liason and best friend. And no matter what you might think about the military and their involvement, Stark Ind. was still under contract, and could have been sued up one side and down the other for halting production and failing to deliver, putting even more people out of work for even longer and potentially endangering soldiers. It very likely boiled down to Rhodey’s personal friendship with him that kept the military off his back for as long as it was.

And this complete failure to think things through leaves him so shockingly vulnerable that even after Oby admits “I’m the one who locked you out [of the board],” Tony never bothered to lock Oby out of his house. It leaves him so frighteningly vulnerable that he sends Pepper into the office to get evidence without giving a second thought to what Oby might do to her - and with no plan at all to keep her safe.

And this carries over into IM2, when he sees that other scientist’s name on the blueprints and doesn’t stop to think that maybe this other guy deserves some credit? Like, maybe he has family or something that Tony at least owes royalties to, because hey, THIS GUY HELPED INVENT THE THING TOO??

It carries even further in IM3, when he gives Mandarin his home address and dares him to come get him. And then he seems so baffled when his home is attacked. Like??? What did you think would happen, Tony?? This guy showed you he was a major badass, and you called his bluff cuz... why?? You thought you just had to look tough at the cameras and he would back down? (MCU’s treatment of Mandarin later in the story is another rant for another time.) And you did it when Pepper was home too. Cuz you forgot the lessons of IM1 and you didn’t think far enough ahead to ask yourself what you would do to protect her if he DID attack.

Like, I get why Pepper was pissed at you, man.

2) Tony wallows in guilt and self-pity. Like, bathes in it. Takes long, hot soaks in it like it’s a friggin’ therapeutic spa.

He was in captivity for how long? clutching the car battery to his chest and feeling sorry for himself before Yensin convinced him to fight back. It was three months total before he escaped - I get that he needed time to build the suit, and time to recover from the injuries he sustained in the attack. I give him a full six weeks, the standard recovery time for open heart surgery and a full half of the time he was gone. But the movie makes it pretty damn clear he didn’t even THINK of fighting back until WELL AFTER he was healed physically. Yensin’s pep-talk amounted to “You’re Tony Freakin’ Stark! At this point you’re only in captivity cuz you want to be, so get off your ass and DO SOMETHING!!”

And this carries over into the rest of the movie, leading partly to his instant halt in weapons production (see above), and to his whole broody-in-the-basement montages in both the first and second halves. It’s why he abandons Pepper at the party (thanks, reporter with photos!), why he takes on the Ten Rings by himself, and why, again, he didn’t see Oby coming.

It carries over into IM2, when he spends the entire, what, first third-to-half of the movie wallowing in self-pity because the arc reactor is poisoning him and it doesn’t occur to him that Nick Fury of friggin’ SHIELD might know somebody or something that could help? (That’s some next-level self-absorption right there, my friends, to believe that you are so damn smart that NOBODY could possibly know ANYTHING more than you.) And we know most of his “creative block” was self-pity, because the moment Coulson takes his toys, alcohol, and friends away, grounds him, and forces him to go looking at his stuff, and his father’s old SHIELD stuff, logically, he finds the solution rather quickly.

But he doesn’t learn the lesson in this movie either, apparently, because there he goes again in IM3, wallowing in self-pity again. Pepper’s mad at him at the start of the movie because he tries to sidle out of responsibility for stuff, and rather than own up to it, he pouts and buys her a giant teddy bear (Seriously, Tony? How old is she, four?). And when she calls him on it again, he keeps wallowing. He wallows through his fights with Mandarin and the other dude. And when he goes on the run, hiding out in the kid’s garage, he spends most of that time wallowing in self-pity as well. I really don’t think it would’ve have taken him that long to fix the suit and find Pepper, if he hadn’t been enjoying feeling sorry for himself. I give this movie credit, though: like IM2, it gave him a villain who mirrored his self-pity - both Whiplash and whats-his-name felt that Tony owed them something (in Whiplash’s case, rightly so; in the other guy’s it was pure self-pity and bruised ego, same as Tony’s).

And this is why I can’t get behind him in CA:CW:

Viola Davis’ character has ALWAYS felt sketchy to me. She showed up at Tony’s speech, giving him a story about her son who died in Sokovia (or Africa, I forget which) helping refugees when he was killed by a falling piece of debris during an Avengers fight. But she lets it slip that she works for a US Senator. That, right there, was a huge red flag for me. WHAT SENATOR? That’s the first question Tony should have asked. Why? Because we know there are Senators who’d do anything to bring him, and the Avengers, down.

Tony doesn’t ask that question, though. Why? Because he doesn’t think that through. And he doesn’t think it through because he’s too busy wallowing in self-pity that he might - MIGHT - have caused that kid’s death.

Look, I GET IT. I GET that him and the rest of the Avengers should be more careful. I GET that Tony has been through a lot - he has trauma, PTSD, etc, etc.

But look at it this way: Tony has more resources available to him THAN ANYONE ELSE ON THE TEAM - to get therapy for his PTSD, to get surgery on his chest (which he FINALLY got in the end of IM3). But I think it’s telling that the traumatic situation he recreated during his speech, showing off his holo-tech, wasn’t any of that. He didn’t show being attacked in Afghanistan and held prisoner. He didn’t show the Battle of New York. He didn’t show catching the nuke and going through the portal. He didn’t show his battles with Whiplash, when Mandarin destroyed his house, or when he fought Guy Pierce on the ship.

He showed his last argument with his parents.

Let that sink in. 

The implication at the end of IM3 is that he dealt with his physical trauma by getting the shrapnel, and the arc reactor, removed from his chest. The post-credits scene, where he’s talking to Bruce, implies that he’s willing to get treatment for his PTSD. There’s NO REASON to believe in later movies that he HASN’T DEALT WITH HIS PTSD, or is at least getting therapy for it on an ongoing basis.

Let that sink in, please.

It means he’s not reacting to everything in CA:CW because of battle fatigue.

I GET that he looked up to his dad, he loved his mom, he felt guilty cuz their last conversation was a fight. This is all very normal, guilt-inducing stuff.

But tech he was marketing for recovering soldiers did not show a military fight.

And to equate the two is, once again, some next-level self-absorption.

It also means he carries blithely on in his lack of tactical thinking and self-pity for the whole rest of the movie BECAUSE HE CHOOSES TO.

Sokovia Accords? He is wallowing so deeply in self-pity that he MIGHT have caused V. Davis’ son’s death that he never asks if she’s telling the truth. He never asks if he’s being manipulated. He never asks if the Avengers are being manipulated. He never asks if there’s another way to handle the chain-of-command, the who’s responsible and holding-them-accountable questions.

These are all questions that Steve DOES ASK.

Steve who, DESPITE HAVING GONE THROUGH JUST AS MUCH, IF NOT MORE, personal trauma, JUST AS MUCH, IF NOT MORE BATTLE TRAUMA, who has JUST AS MUCH, IF NOT MORE PTSD, WITH FAR FEWER RESOURCES TO COMBAT IT, DOES STOP TO ASK WHY THIS IS HAPPENING SO FAST.

You’re tellin’ me Wanda genuinely had to be under house arrest “for everybody’s safekeeping” rather than going upstate to the Avenger’s compound and practicing with live ammo and explosives until she could safely contain an explosive AND keep it away from humans? You’re tellin’ me Tony couldn’t rig up a skeet-shooter to fire at her, and a safe-room where she could practice without hurting anybody? I don’t believe it. If he’d stopped wallowing for two minutes, it probably would have occurred to him, too.

But, unfortunately for the entire team, Tony continues to wallow for the rest of the movie - he wallows in grief over his parents, guilt over V. Davis’ son (tho he never seemed to show that level of care over Wanda’s and Pietro’s parents), fails to question whether or not Bucky MIGHT be innocent (what happened to “innocent until proven guilty”? guess that doesn’t count if you’ve been brainwashed by Hydra, so maybe Nat should have seen that coming too?), wallows in his anger at Bucky during the finale (iirc, he doesn’t get any proof of, or make any connection between, Bucky and his parent’s deaths until deep into the finale), and then, during the finale fight with Steve, wallows in self-pity that Steve turned on him, like Tony’s somehow not responsible for anything.

Like, I GET that you LIKE the guy. But give him the consequences of his choices. TONY CHOSE, at every possible moment, to wallow in self-pity, to take on blind faith what he should have questioned, to doubt where he should’ve trusted, and failed to consider the consequences of his actions.

He completely fails at all three, and has throughout most of the MCU.

I find it horribly, horribly telling, to compare Tony with T’Challa, whose father was also freshly murdered in the last three days and before his very eyes. Both men raised in privilege, both men crazy smart, both men react, at first, with gut-level rage. But T’Challa eventually has the presence of mind to step back and ask himself “Is my rage justified? Is my rage directed at the right target?” And when the answer is “No,” he backs off. Tony never reaches that level of awareness. He is hit, he hits back, without thought. Even when Cap’s got him on the ground beating the crap out of him, Tony never stops to ask “Did I maybe contribute to any of this? Is my rage justified? Is Cap’s?” Even when he lashes out at Cap - ”He’s my friend.” “So was I.” - it’s as if, for Tony, it’s all about himself, as if there’s no possible room for two victims, or even three (counting Steve).

Look, I LIKE the guy. The way RDJ plays him he’s charming, and brilliant, and I think most of the time he’s at least trying to keep his heart in the right place. RDJ’s portrayal is, quite frankly, the only thing keeping me from hating Tony right now. But I don’t TRUST Tony farther than I can spit because HE IS so easy to manipulate.

And with the brain, and weapons, at his disposal, that is truly terrifying.

[esandcasg]

Chapter 2 - The Future in Now

“Hello mate.”

The words hung in the air. The stiflingly hot air of this sweaty pit that he had called home for the last three years. The jungle heat and humidity somehow adding to the moment; the viscosity of the air slowing down the words.

He looked at me. I saw a whole spectrum of emotion cross his face. Surprise at my sudden appearance after eight years. Disappointment that we had managed to find him. Anger at how we had lied to him and destroyed him all those years ago.  There were surely plenty more that I couldn’t read and probably didn’t want to.

“Andrew?” I ventured, trying to get a response from him.

He continued to just look at me. Thoughts being processed behind blue eyes. I noticed him studying my face, clearly wondering what had happened since that night in the tunnel in the middle of Kangleong. I, in turn, studied the face of the man in front of me, replicating the slight shock at his appearance. Whilst still undeniably handsome, the past eight years had clearly taken its toll on him, the long scraggly unwashed hair and beard making him appear to have been sleeping rough for some time. I contrasted this to the man full of positivity and excitement that I had met in the Blue Oyster bar in Kathmandu. A flash of guilt passed through me. That fateful night eight years ago had clearly set off a chain reaction that had led him here. And it was partly my fault.

Finally, he spoke. “Sister Teresa called me mate in the Third Grade. My friends call me Andrew. You're neither, shithead.”

With that he went to slam the door. I saw the move coming and stuck my foot in the door. The flimsy swing door to his hut bouncing against my Ed Viesturs signature La Sportiva Trango boots. I didn’t come all this way to get shut out before I said what I needed to say.

“Andrew, you are going to want to hear this,” I tried to reason.

I couldn’t see Andrew at this point, the door blocking my view. Whether it was subtle change in the lighting that I registered through the slit of the open door, the sound of his sudden movement, or just intuition, but I realized his intention to put his shoulder into the door and force me out. I countered him by slamming the full weight of my body into the door just before he got there. Whether it was because I had gotten the jump on him, or whether it was the extra weight that I have put on through lockdown, but Andrew went crashing backwards, landing on his back in the middle of the hut.

I quickly entered the hut like a trained marksman, not taking my eyes off the target, anticipating his next move. But at this point he seemed resigned. He lifted himself up into a sitting position, his shoulders sinking. My thoughts went back to the storm-wrecked slopes of Kangleong after the serac collapse and death of Fred Viesturs. The way I had held him as he cried, his snot freezing on my down suit. It was heartbreaking to see him like this once more.

I offered my hand to him, as if he was sitting on the floor next to a 1950s car, and I had just laid out Biff with a left hook. “Are you… okay?”

He ignored me, and instead responded to my earlier question. “What do you want, Adam? What am I going to want to hear?”

I looked around his hut for somewhere to sit, but there was no furniture aside from the bed, the soiled sheets not looking like they had been washed in some time. He noticed me looking for somewhere to make myself comfortable, and - resigned to me being here for some time - slowly got to his feet and offered me a drink.

“I wish I could offer you a Harbour Reef like the old days of the Blue Oyster, but I only have a Pumpkin Spiced Latte to offer. Do you want one?”

I wasn’t convinced whether these autumnal flavours really suited the fresh spring morning that had broken an hour ago, but I suspected that offence would be taken if I pointed this out.

“Yeah, su-“ I stopped as he suddenly grabbed his stomach in pain and bent over.

“I need to go and lay beef. All these lattes have gone straight through me. Wait there.”

He rushed over to the door in the corner of his bedroom, revealing the plush en-suite facilities beyond. Closing the door behind him, I heard the sound of trousers being rapidly pulled down, and straining as he let rip. The occasional fart rolling around the amphitheater of the bowl.

Not sure where to look, I inspected the eleven latte cups sitting next to the dishwasher. There wasn’t much else to look at in his hut apart from the high-tech coffee machine and Harry Kane calendar. I smiled to myself as I inspected the coffee machine, memories of him pulling it out of his daypack at the top of Kangleong and making a celebratory brew, his frustration as the ground cinnamon blew off in the high winds, rather than being sprinkled onto the white milky foam.

I heard a flush and Andrew appeared from the bathroom, kindly leaving the door open. He walked back to the coffee machine.

“So,” he began, grinding the fresh locally sourced coffee beans. “What I am really interested in knowing, is what has happened to you in the last eight years. You look like you’ve aged about twenty years.”

The smell of freshly brewed coffee started to do battle with the smell of freshly laid beef, the contrasting smells playing a game of aroma tennis in my nasal passages. One a strong, dark, powerful thing of beauty, the other a stinking pile of shit. One could argue it was like a game between Nadal and Djokovic.

I didn’t have a good answer to the question that he had asked, so didn’t pull any punches.

“Andrew, I am from the future. And I came here in a time machine that Ifan invented. Now I need your help to go back to the year 2013 and stop Sir Henry Craven.”

The cup of pumpkin spiced latte that he was about to offer to me slipped from his hand and shattered on the floor. The brown liquid goodness splashing all over the floor and up the walls of his hut.

“Is this some sort of joke?” He said. But I heard the doubt in his voice. Surely he could see it in my face that I was fifty years old, and not forty. Eighteen years older than the last time I saw him, not eight. It was not possible to age that much in that space of time without having a lot of kids.

“It’s no joke. I have travelled back from ten years in the future. From 2030.”

“Okay, ‘future boy’, who is the president of the United States in 2030?”

“Donald Trump,” I replied.

“Donald Trump!” He exclaimed. “Still?!”

“Well, he refused to leave, so in the end everyone gave up.”

“Makes sense,” Andrew said, as if my story suddenly had more merit. “So come on then, I will humour you and ask what is going on here.”

I drew in a deep breath, and began. “Even though you have isolated yourself, I am sure you are aware of the ongoing pandemic?” I had noticed CNN playing on the TV in the corner.

“Of course. What about it?”

It had started in 2019. The outbreak of Covid-19 that led to the lockdown of most of the world. Conspiracy theories and fake news on Twitter became the norm. An astonishing 0.016% of the world’s population perished. But ultimately it had been traced back to one point. One moment in time that would change the world forever.

Sir Henry Craven had met terrorists at a market in Wuhan to sell the latest batch of weapons grade plutonium. To celebrate the deal he had been presented with a tasty pangolin snack, which, having lived on mountain rations and grilled owl, he wolfed down with relish. As in, with delight, not the tomato-based garnish. That would have been a total clash in flavours.

Craven had become patient zero, and his subsequent travels around the globe in arms deals had triggered the start the pandemic. First Iran, then Rome, then Madrid. And so on it went.

Driven by panic, scientists had tried to find a vaccine. A cure to the insanity. But the stress of trying to be the first to crack the cure, and the expectations of bringing the world back to some sort of normality had led to mistakes, and ultimately disaster. A laboratory, which became known as Lab X, was the first to develop a vaccine and announce it to the world. But testing had been carried out on rhesus monkeys, and the combination of the monkey DNA and coronavirus had caused a mutation to the virus – some sort of retrovirus – turning the monkeys into something else entirely. Malformation, together with heightened strength, intelligence and, most crucially, aggression.

The resulting events are still unclear. One laboratory worker managed to air his side of events but in-between the potential facts were the rambles of an insane man, that gave his side of the story little in the way of credit. But what we do know is that laboratory workers were killed and the monkeys escaped. Some rumours and Tweets indicated that some scientists had caught the virus and were responsible for the other deaths, killing their colleagues. They might have also released the monkeys on purpose. Though some believed that the monkeys managed to escape on their own, killing everyone in the process. No one knew for sure.

But ultimately the end result was the same. In the years following the outbreak the mutated retrovirus ended up in the outside world and in the food chain. It spread like wildfire, first through Asia, then Europe, then the US. First contracted by animals, then people. Every corner of the world was affected. People died in the billions, either as a result of the virus, murdered by infected people, or taking their own lives before they could “become”.

“I don’t understand what all this has to do with me,” Andrew interrupted, before adding. “Why are you here?”

“Wait, there’s more.” I walked over to the window and looked out across the desert planes. It was strange seeing the world as it used to be, before life changed forever, when you could enjoy a view without searching the sky for an infected sparrow that could at any minute sweep down and gouge your eye out. Or a house cat that hunted human life instead of mice. A time when you didn’t have to go everywhere with a loaded M4 Carbine Rifle.

“Craven somehow found out what had happened with the outbreak at Lab X,” I continued. “You see, the lab was located in China, deep under the Karakoram mountains. Craven decided to take matters into his own hand and launched a nuke at the lab, trying to kill everything in the blast radius. Wipe out what he had started. I guess he was driven by guilt. But he was too late, the virus had spread too far.

“China thought it was an attack by the US and countered. Russia got involved. Suddenly the world was full of flying nuclear missiles. Out of 7.8 billion people on the planet, only a few hundred thousand remain in 2030, hidden on remote islands or in the wild to avoid contact with the infected. A combination of the nuclear war and the virus has effectively wiped out the entire population of the world. All due to Sir Henry Craven.”

I turned back from the window and faced Andrew. He was noticeably paler than when I first arrived. “I was on an expedition in the South Pole with Ifan when this started, following a lead that Craven was there. How wrong we were.” I explained. “We heard the news and decided to remain there. But we knew we couldn’t survive there forever, so we had to do something.”

“Again, what does this have to do with me?”

I drew a breath. We were starting to get to the moment of truth.

“The last known sighting of Craven was on Kangleong in 2013, before this vortex of disaster that has followed him. Ifan and I, we need your help to go back and stop him before all this happens. As you know, Kangleong is a three man climb. We can’t do this without you, you’re the only one we can trust.”

Andrew sat on his bed and put his head in his hands. His body language suddenly changed as he noticeably stiffened and shot back up again.

“This is complete and utter bullshit. What is this, some sort of joke to rub salt in the wounds of eight years ago? Because they haven’t healed, you know that, right?”

“I know you think this is a joke, but I have proof. Look out of the window.”

Eyeing me suspiciously, Andrew walked over to the window close to where I was standing. I watched as his pupils dilated.

“My God. Ifan… he’s…”

“Yes,” I finished. “He’s driving a Ford C-Max.”

“I thought he would never drive anything other than a Focus.”

I glanced out of the window at the C-Max that we had arrived in. But of course this was no ordinary C-Max. The front was fairly standard, though Ifan had added those eye-lash things to make it look like a girl. But along the sides and top were a series of lights, cabling and circuitry that he had added whilst being stationed on the South Pole. The back of the car housed two large industrial exhaust ports, which were currently blowing out plumes of cold air, creating huge clouds of evaporation as it met the damp jungle atmosphere. The car was covered in ice, rapidly thawing and dripping onto the ground below.

“Wait, are you telling me that you built a time machine out of a C-Max?” Asked Andrew.

“The way Ifan saw it, if you are gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?”

Clearly in shock, Andrew strode over the door and disappeared through it, staggering down the steps to the jungle road where Ifan had taken ten minutes to park. Catching up with him, we watched as Ifan continued with his set of deadlifting the C-Max-slash-time-machine, oblivious to our arrival. His gargantuan thigh and calf muscles pumping like the pistons in seven times world champion Lewis Hamilton’s Formula 1 car. To borrow an analogy from Vertical Summit 1. Finishing his one hundredth rep, he dropped the car back down with a thud, before noticing our arrival.

As he saw Andrew for the first time in eighteen years something feral flashed across his face. In the weeks and chapters to follow I would wonder whether I should have realised that Ifan had contracted the retrovirus and was becoming, or whether I was just fully focused on the climb, whether Summit fever had once again taken hold of me. It went without saying that the traits of extreme strength and heightened intelligence were something that was synonymous with Ifan anyway. Or, at least, that is what I would later tell myself as my reasoning. As my excuse.

Andrew turned back to face me. “Okay, assuming this is real. Why now? Why did you choose this exact moment to appear?”

“We timed it so that you would have just heard the news report of the earthquake in the Karakoram mountains. That wasn’t an earthquake, that was Craven’s first nuke detonating.”

“You mean…?”

“Yes, it has begun.”

Andrew seemed to consider this for a moment, before shaking his head and walking back towards the hut. He stopped at the doorway and turned back to face me.

“I’m really sorry, but I can’t do this. I can’t go back in time and kill someone. I’m no killer. I’m no time traveler.” He looked down at the ground before adding. “And anyway, I will never set foot on a 8000 meter peak again. Not after… not after the last time.”

I had just one card left to play. If he wouldn’t join me, then he would meet his destiny.

“Andrew,” I began softly. “You and your family are killed in this. You, your wife, and your daughter.”

He turned and walked back down the steps towards me, confusion on his face once more.

“What? My what?”

“This is hard to say, but in eight years’ time you contract the virus and kill your family. The question is whether you want to come and save the world… save your future self. Or whether you want to stay here and wait for the end to come. It is your choice. But as I said, we can’t do this without you.”

Andrew stood there staring at me. His face slack, a bit like that photo from the Lakes after the first night out where I fell off the flower pots. He had held his toothbrush in his hand. But not now, now he held a pumpkin spiced latte. It slipped from his hand and shattered on the ground.

The decision was his. Would he join us. Or would he let us disappear into the past so that he could continue with his own story ideas?

[12-99-30]

March: Movement

I look forward to writing these end-of-the month posts now, because it forces me to look back and recount all the lessons, blessings, and hardships the last 30 days have shown me. I’m often experiencing a lot of moments where I catch myself saying, “I can’t believe that happened this month.” March in particular seemed to feel so dense. Each week seemed to bring new events paired with new feelings I was forced to confront.

Remembrance:

03.01.2020

I spent a weekend at Virginia Tech, surrounding myself with friends who reminded me of what it meant to be known and loved. 

K-- was sitting on her bed, still trying to wake herself up from a night of going out. As I quietly sneak in her room and lay beside her, she can already tell by the quiver of my voice of what was going to come next. She embraces me and the vulnerable mess I leave before her. Knowing no words can placate the hurt, we trust that time will be the healer.

J--, J--, and I went to VTone together, a joint inter-fellowship worship night to show unity in God’s people. I couldn’t remember the last time we were all in an environment like VTone since high school. We all laughed as we saw each of our eyes well up with intimate tears after hearing God’s hope and goodness for our lives. I found more comfort in Christ that night, far more than I did partying with random people. 

As we drove to PCC, I found myself staring out the window getting glimpses of Blacksburg and what life would look like if I got to do life here. I felt J--’s hand intertwined with mine. I think she could sense my wandering heart. She reminded me that I was seen. I was loved. 

I felt overwhelmed with the care I was receiving from the sisters around me. Often times, it wasn’t the words they said to me. It was their presence beside me, saying “I’m so sorry. I’m here to listen” that made me feel safe. I hope to properly thank each of them one day for fighting for me when I couldn’t. 

03.07.2020

I tried snowboarding for the first time! I think it’s cliche and cheesy to transgress physical events into metaphors for overcoming challenges … but I think I’ll make the exception this time. Despite having zero athleticism or confidence in my ability to be a good snowboarder, K-- convinced me to give it a try. Fueled off adrenaline, I would successfully snowboard down a mountain for 10-15 seconds before falling onto my butt or knees, leaving my legs properly blue. One run down a mountain would take me 25 minutes with the amount of times I fell. But after each fall, I’d immediately get back up and go again. I refused to get frustrated. I wanted to be patient with myself in the process. Eventually on our last run, I decide to challenge myself and go down a Blue mountain, something out of my comfort zone and my skill-level. K-- and K-- stand over the final steep slope, all scared and nervous about how we were going to get to the bottom. Without thinking, I made the decision to send my inexperienced-self down the mountain at full speed. 

(I think I lasted 10 seconds before I ate snow and got another bruise on my knee) 

In my head, I knew I had to get down one way or another. The more time I spent thinking, meant there was more time psyching myself out. I was determined to finish this mountain trying, even if it meant looking like a fool in the process. 

I fell at least 20 times, but I always got back up, wiped off the snow from face, and kept going till I reached the end. I couldn’t help but feel proud of myself. Proud of myself for trying something new. For getting back up every time I was knocked down (and that was a lot). And for believing I will make it down the mountain one way or another. The outcome will always be the same. You’ll always make it out alive.

03.11.2020

S--, E--, and K-- gather into my car as we decide to take a trip to D.C. It wasn’t too late, and the evening still had a warm spring breeze circulating through the air. We walk from the Washington Monument, to the WW2 memorial, and eventually across the empty reflecting pool towards the Lincoln Memorial. It’s a habit to think about the memories I’ve made here with old people, but remind myself it’s okay to embrace the new times. 

As we stand before Lincoln, becoming tourists and taking selfies with Abe, I become overwhelmed with a feeling of nostalgia. I realize I haven’t stood under the memorial since I was in elementary school. I could distinctly remember the feeling of getting off the yellow school bus - a bubbling excitement in my belly as if I was unlocking a whole world I never knew of. Parents attempt to corral us, but it couldn’t stop our wandering selves from discovering the newness of D.C. The city seemed to hold so many possibilities, and I got to uncover it with my friends. 

I felt like that again. Like a kid, rediscovering herself and how the uncertainty of the world wasn’t something to fear, but to embrace. It’s an eagerness for life - being in a new place with people you love.

As we sit on the steps, Katrina asks the question, 

“If you knew that the world was going to end at 12:00AM tonight, who would you call?”

I knew my answer. I would call the person I hated to let them know I didn’t hate them. It led me to have a conversation of unmerited forgiveness (another post for another time). 

That night reminded me that life was moving forward. Laying the first stones of a life that is new. That’s mine. 

Moving Forward

S-- told me that in order to move on, I have to really leave the past behind me and move forward. It’s acknowledging the past as something important and necessary, but to leave it there and take the lessons with me. You can’t change what has happened. Although we both wish it never happened, there’s nothing we can do to change it.  It reminds me of a quote I read from Taos of Seneca. 

“Beasts avoid the dangers which they see, and when they have escaped them are free from care; but we men torment ourselves over that which is to come as well as over that which is past. Many of our blessings bring bane to us; for memory recalls the tortures of fear, while foresight anticipates them. The present alone can make no man wretched.” 

I’m letting go of what was never mine. I can’t keep holding onto pieces of the past, and fixating on the pain of it all. I realized that the person I loved is not the same person anymore. I, myself, am not the same person. I’m careful of where I put my trust now. They do not care about me, and I’m learning how to let go of my need for control and care less about them. I’m still fighting to forget the hurt. There’s a lot of things I’m still feeling. Their presence is a reminder that I somehow failed - that I wasn’t enough. E-- tells me it’s normal to take a couple steps back, and sometimes feel stuck. It’s not regression, but rather a reminder that you cared about something deeply. The ~trauma~ might be there for a while, but the time it takes to remind yourself that it will be okay will get shorter and shorter. J-- reminds me that my goal is to not just move on, but to move closer to Jesus. To be more like him and to be with Him. These words become ingrained into my mind. 

I’m unlearning and relearning habits. Replacing thoughts of them with thoughts of God’s character. I pray for self-control and to remind myself that this wasn’t my fault. I believe God will redeem these lost years. I know He’s sees me. God will defend me. He will untwist the parts that have been defiled. I will come out better. 

COVID-19 put our world on pause, and now it feels like I’m living through some apocalyptic movie. I’m thankful to have the privilege of living in a family that provides generously. Not everybody has the luxury of looking at this time as a way to slow down. I’m lucky that my days are filled with a lot of laughter around the dinner table, and quiet moments of vulnerability. I’ve been able to build habits during this time that help with my development. A lot of reading, writing, praying, exercising, and even baking (I’ve only baked one thing, but it included 3 sticks of butter...) 

This month is marked with gratitude. Despite the anxiousness of being in isolation during the COVID-19 pandemic, I have endless amount of things to be grateful for. 

I have been stretched beyond comfort this month, which I hope to share in short posts as I find more time to write. I’m starting April with a peaceful heart, looking forward and not behind. I’m not where I was a month ago, and it is by the grace of God I’m able to look to the future with hope. But for now, I’ll be present. 

[sorentm]

25 years of Zero-G.

I am sitting in front of my browser staring at a big green button that says: “Release App”. If I press it, I will release my very own game, Zero-G, to Steam. It will go out there, people will probably play it, and some might have fun doing it. My game. I did it. I really did it.

The thing is… I am scared. Not that people will hate it. Well yes, that scares me too, but the thing that scares me most is… How will this affect me? I have lived with this game for almost 25 years, and now I am supposed to cut it loose?

25 years is a long time to develop one game. I mean, Duke Nukem Forever only took 15 and more than 25 versions of FIFA are available now, though none of them existed when I started.

Actually a lot of cool stuff did not exist when I started:

Playstation and Nintendo 64

DOOM (not even Wolfenstein 3D)

Web browsers (at least not publicly available).

C# and Java

DVD’s

SMS’s

mp3’s

GPS

...and some of my current colleagues.

So, what happened? Well, it’s a long story…

The Amiga Prototype.

So, you’ve probably figured that I am old. I am old enough to be one of the first kids to grow up with computer games. I got the Donkey Kong Game and Watch when I was 12 and the Commodore 64 the year after. And they completely blew my mind. Unfortunately, since I was both a lazy and pragmatic kid, I figured that it was about as realistic for me to make a living off computer games, as it would be to become an astronaut (my second choice). In the end I did not bother to really learn how to program.

But that all changed in 1990 with AMOS BASIC for the Amiga. AMOS was pretty much what you would call a game engine today like Unity or Unreal. All of a sudden, the stuff that would have taken months of hard work and dedication could be had with few lines of code.

Load IFF “BackgroundScreen.iff” Load "MyMusic.Abk" : Music 1 Double Buffer

BAM! A double buffered screen with a background image, and music playing! I started making games. All kinds of games. I would often give myself challenges like creating an entire 10 level platform game with all music and graphics in 24 hours, or a racing game in an afternoon.

And then I thought: Why not make “Ender’s Game - The Game”?

Ender’s Game has been my favorite book since it came out, and I thought the Zero Gravity shooting gameplay would probably be awesome. I planned to make it like all the other sports games with a character you controlled, and the rest of the team being controlled by the computer, but to test it out I initially mapped all characters to the same joystick, and was surprised to find that it actually made controlling the team both really fun and interesting. Unfortunately it also made shooting feel stupid since everybody shot at the same time in the same direction, so I replaced the guns with a ball, and thus, by accident, the game had designed itself.

To get some graphics I got hold of my good friend Søren Lundgaard, and after a long night of matches so intense that I ended up breaking a joystick in half, he was in - provided he was allowed to assist with the coding and design. By 1993 we’d gotten a pretty polished prototype up and running, and things were great!

PC versions, anyone?

But then again - not really great. We had taken AMOS as far as we could. Even with a new AMOS compiler the framerate simply could not reach acceptable levels, which made the gameplay feel sluggish. So we decided that we’d had our fun and put the game to rest.

I kept thinking about it though, and I would often showcase it to people and try to convince them to remake it on the PC. Since there were no easy-to-use game engines available I was obviously too lazy to do it myself.

I talked to this guy while we were at board-diving practice (Yes, that’s something I did). He was all in, and I promised to give him all the assets, so he could have a go at it. Then he jumped from the diving board and immediately dislocated his shoulder badly and never returned.

I then talked to this other guy I met at Computer Science. He was brilliant, very energetic, wanted very much to make a PC version, and he actually did get the assets. But then he disappeared for a few months. The next time I saw him he looked really bad-ass. He had lost some weight, and had shaved his head. I said to him: “Hey Peter! you are bald! You look AWESOME!”. He gave me this really weird look, had a long pause and then just said. “Yes”.

He then turned and walked away, and… well, you have guessed it. He died a few weeks later.

Needless to say that completely killed my enthusiasm for Zero-G and for the next 10 years I left it alone.

The Deadline Games version.

Jump cut to 2004. Somehow my good old pal Søren Lundgaard had managed to get me hired at Deadline Games, even though I had tried to sabotage it as much as I could, by mentioning the fact that I find most games boring at the job interviews. Each of the 4 times I applied. But hey, in the end I became a game programmer, and did not need to be an astronaut, which would have been a disaster anyways since I get dizzy from just about anything that moves.

I had been on the team that did Total Overdose, and while I did the PSP-remake Chili con Carnage we got a huge contract for Total Overdose 2, so we had moved into a big office-building and staffed up. Then all of a sudden the contract was cancelled. It later turned out, that our publisher, Eidos, was at the same time in contact with this other team that was brewing on a game called Just Cause - a game that in feature set turned out absurdly similar to the Total Overdose 2 game design! But they had fully functioning world-streaming tech already, so we got the axe.

That was disastrous.

We managed to stay afloat for quite some time by doing the two Watchmen games that were objectively rushed pieces of dung, but subjectively (when I think about how little time we actually had) are still games that I am personally really proud of. But none of our pitches sold, and money was gushing out. By January 2009 we were on the brink of going broke.

I told the producer about Zero-G and my extremely interesting story of that time when I broke a joystick in half, and I was given 3 weeks to do a prototype. After those 3 weeks everybody available jumped in and we had a manic development sprint for 3 months. The goal was to just get something, anything playable really, on Xbox Live Arcade and Playstation Network. These online stores  were booming at that time but were not flooded with games yet, so new releases still had a good shot at getting noticed. It might have made a difference…

… but we weren’t fast enough. In May 2009 Deadline Games went bankrupt.

     The Deadline Games version of Zero-G.

Rising from the ashes?

After the bankruptcy a group of us tried to buy the assets for Zero-G and our custom engine from the estate so we could form a miniature company and release it. Unfortunately someone else put more money on the table and bought everything in one go. We managed to buy the actual Zero-G assets from them, but they would not let us buy the engine. And in the end they would not even commit to supporting the engine if we licensed it, so the project was soon doomed.

Buying those assets seemed like an expensive life lesson, but at least it gave me a build of the game I could use to dazzle the guys at Playdead into hiring me for the LIMBO production.

The Unity Version.

And that would probably have been it, if it hadn’t been for a particularly nasty attack of midlife crisis that came for me around 2013. Usually, what you do about those is to buy a pinball machine, take up speed rollerskating or grow a weird beard, but in this case the normal cures did not work. So one lonely night when I was feeling particularly worthless I decided to make Zero-G one more time - just to show myself and the world that I could! Nothing is so bad, that it isn’t good for something, right?

At that time I had been working professionally on the game INSIDE for a few years, so I had gotten pretty confident with the Unity engine, and since I had all the assets already, all I had to do was to reimplement the entire game code - again. So I did, and it was more fun than ever. I could rant on about all the weird things I have had to do or learn because I had decided to rely on nobody else - as the time when I had to hand-build an animation in notepad, since I only had animation data in Deadlines own exported format, and one of them was so weird I could not reverse engineer it. Oh, good times. But I will tell you later. None of the stories are as interesting as the one with the broken joystick anyways.

And that brings me back to the big green button on my screen. Release App. What will likely happen is that my little anachronistic game will drown in the raging tsunami of indie games washing over Steam these days. And my life project will leave no more of a lasting impression than a wet footprint on a beach.

On the other hand, then I am free to do something else.

I’m gonna push the mother out of that button!

[twinmiki]

Bidet Makers See Their Moment and Scramble to Make a Splash

A global toilet-paper shortage has broken American cultural taboos, but with sudden growth comes new hazards

April 18, 2020 12:00 am ET by Christopher Mims via the Wall Street Journal

Jason Ojalvo, CEO of direct-to-consumer bidet company Tushy, knew that America’s backsides couldn’t wait. Watching demand skyrocket on his online sales dashboard as America’s great toilet-paper crisis of 2020 left store shelves bare and shoppers panicking, he decided to take drastic measures to guarantee ongoing supply.

He would ship bidets directly from China by air.

It wasn’t exactly the Berlin airlift, but if Americans ever adopt bidets en masse, scholars may some day view it as a pivotal moment in the history of U.S. bathroom habits.

In the midst of a global pandemic, relatively inexpensive add-on bidets—widespread in many parts of the world but never popular in the U.S.—are experiencing a hyperaccelerated transition through the life cycle of a new direct-to-consumer fad. Suddenly these bidet companies are approaching their “Casper Moment,” when a fad becomes a new consumer-goods category, epitomized by a handful of companies. This draws the attention of competitors as well as consumers—and requires tough choices about how best to take advantage of demand that may prove fleeting.

“We’re having the cultural moment that we spent the past five years preparing for and we’re not going to blow it,” says Mr. Ojalvo, who previously spent nearly a decade at Amazon’s Audible unit.

Launched in relative obscurity, bidet specialists including Tushy and Omigo spent investor cash on customer acquisition through targeted advertising on Instagram, Facebook, Google and Amazon. It’s the classic direct-to-consumer playbook, popularized by Casper, Allbirds and Dollar Shave Club: simple product, sophisticated marketing.

‘We’re having the cultural moment that we spent the past five years preparing for and we’re not going to blow it.’

— Jason Ojalvo, CEO of Tushy

Casper, for anyone who missed it, became the avatar of a nationwide turn toward buying mattresses online, something unthinkable before Americans realized that the kind made from foam could be rolled up and shipped and, for many people, worked as well as the bulky versions sold in showrooms. Investors once had high hopes for the company, but ongoing losses going into its public offering led to a lackluster IPO.

Bidet companies might also find that sudden growth in demand doesn’t necessarily translate into long-term success. They have already started to encounter the headwinds that come with mass adoption, including the potential entry of big retailers, and competition from cheap Chinese knockoffs on Amazon.

For tens of thousands of Americans, including my household, the time for a bidet has arrived. At about the moment I found myself, as part of my preparation for obeying a stay-at-home order, filling a shopping cart with toilet paper, a bidet suddenly made a whole lot of sense. I had never tried one, and its operation was a mystery to me. But members of my household had been aggressively targeted by online advertising for it in the past, leading to a discussion about whether it would work for a house that included a crew of high-spirited kids.

The French invented the bidet in the 1600s, as a way to freshen up without taking a full bath. In 1980, the Japanese company Toto released the modern, add-on bidet toilet seat, an invention on par in the bidet business with the iPhone in terms of the debt owed to it by all subsequent designs. Toto then introduced the bidet seat to the U.S. in 1990 and domestic competitors began offering alternatives by the early 2000s.

 Toilet paper became scares after many people emptied stores in a panic in March. A customer in Wheaton Md., reached for one of the last packages in a Giant store this week.

Spikes in sales of bidets could have long-term implications for the entire toilet-paper industry, says Svetlana Uduslivaia, head of home and tech research at Euromonitor. Research suggests that households that adopt them reduce their toilet-paper consumption by up to 75%, she adds. In Japan, 80% of households with two or more people have bidets, but it took decades for the country to reach that level of adoption.

Market penetration of bidets in the U.S. is in the single digits. Historically, that may be because Americans associated them with bordellos, sexuality and other matters that seemed vaguely scandalous and French. But demand began spiking in early March. On March 8, Chicago-based BioBidet, which was incorporated in 2008, got an unprecedented 4,000 orders for its entry-level SlimEdge bidet attachment on Amazon alone. Almost immediately, BioBidet ordered more than 50,000 more bidets from its suppliers in East Asia, says senior marketing director James Amburgey.

In San Francisco, Brondell, founded in 2003, saw sales growth throughout March that put it a year ahead of where it had projected it would be before the crisis, says Steve Scheer, president of Brondell. The company’s online offerings are almost completely sold out.

Kohler, the Wisconsin-based plumbing, bathroom and kitchen giant, saw bidet orders increase eight times compared with a year ago in March, says a spokeswoman.

Two-year-old Omigo, newest of the online-only bidet startups, experienced a 12-fold increase in daily sales on March 12, says Tom Lotrecchiano, its co-founder. The company is now sold out entirely of its two models of bidet attachments and is quickly running through its stock of much pricier bidet toilet seats. Reorders are on the way, but “we’re scrambling,” says Mr. Lotrecchiano.

Tushy realized in the second week in March that if sales through Amazon and its own website maintained their pace, the company would be completely out of bidets by the weekend. By that Thursday, sales were 10 times normal. Mr. Ojalvo, along with company founder Miki Agrawal, formerly of reusable period underwear company Thinx, examined their supply chain to figure out how they could keep up with demand.

That was when they chose to start shipping their bidets on planes.

That meant shipping costs would be three times what they had been spending before. The Tushy team immediately put designers on the task of shrinking the packaging for their bidets to limit the damage. Airfreight is usually reserved for the smallest, highest-value items, like iPhones. But trans-Pacific passage in a shipping container can take 30 days, and Tushy couldn’t wait.

Companies like Brondell, BioBidet and Kohler, built in an age dominated by traditional retail, have simply run out online. But Omigo and Tushy, having always been direct-to-consumer, are able to manipulate their online advertising spend in order to address shortages.

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For Omigo,that’s meant giving up on what could easily be three to four times the volume of orders the company is currently shipping, says Mr. Lotrecchiano. The company’s leaders decided to keep Omigo’s ad spend steady rather than increase it to capture surging interest because it would lead to too many disappointed customers as wait times stretch out, adds Mr. Lotrecchiano.

Tushy, by contrast, first zeroed out its online advertising budget for a few days, and then began bringing it up again slowly, deciding that the crisis has created so much interest that it no longer needs as many targeted ads on giant platforms like Amazon, Google and Facebook as before the crisis. Where before Tushy might spend a big chunk of the $79 price for its entry-level bidet on advertising—direct-to-consumer companies often spend a third of revenue on marketing—it has been able to redirect that money to its higher shipping costs, says Mr. Ojalvo.

Airfreight costs are still squeezing Tushy’s margins, but the company’s leaders have decided that, because people who buy their products tend to become bidet evangelists, every one they can get into customer’s hands now will lead to more sales in the future.

Booming demand for bidets hasn’t gone unnoticed by the direct-to-consumer sellers on Amazon’s marketplace. As of this writing, the add-on bidet Amazon has designated as “Best Seller” is from an outfit called Tibbers Home, which has no easily findable web presence outside of its Amazon seller page. One model of Tibbers Bidet costs $124 and ships free to Prime members. A bidet listed as the same make and model costs $33, including shipping, on the bargain shopping marketplace Wish, where goods often come directly from manufacturers in China and can take weeks to arrive.

U.S. makers of bidets I talked to decry the quality of inexpensive models direct from China, of which there are an endless variety. But the kind of bare-bones add-on bidets sold by all of these companies vary little in their design. All are slim enough to be installed underneath an existing toilet seat in about 10 minutes, and consist of a hose that attaches to a toilet’s water supply, a valve to control water pressure and a nozzle that sprays water. That’s about it.

‘Our competitor is toilet paper.’

— Mr. Ojalvo

The simplicity of these add-on bidets is one way they are similar to mattresses, another category that was “disrupted” by upstarts that capitalized on a straightforward and inexpensive technology. For mattresses, it was the replacement of bulky springs with high-density foam. Mattress startups made what is one of the cheapest and most abundant forms of plastic on earth more appealing mainly through clever marketing.

The low barriers to entry for companies offering basic bidets, plus the spike in demand, are reasons Omigo’s Mr. Lotrecchiano is convinced we’ll see major retailers release their own house-brand bidets in the next six months—just as happened in direct-to-consumer mattresses, where Walmart created a subbrand as its answer to Casper mattresses.

Paradoxically, the functional equivalence of all these bidets is one reason Tushy could come out ahead in the end, fulfilling its leaders’ aspirations to make it the Casper of its category. By focusing on aesthetics, the company hopes to position itself as the hip alternative to stodgy, traditional bidets. “People care about design, especially if you live in a small place in New York City and you want to look at things that feel good,” says Ms. Agrawal.

For now, the biggest barrier for all of these companies remains Americans’ historical reluctance to use a bidet at all. “Our competitor is toilet paper,” says Mr. Ojalvo.

It took some getting used to, but eventually everyone in my own household, including the kids, figured out how to use our new bidet. We’re now using a fraction of the toilet paper we once did, and the thought of ever going back to plain old toilet paper is about as appealing as cleaning my hands with a dry paper towel instead of soap and water.

Write to Christopher Mims at christopher.mims@wsj.com