#this is why i constantly wish i didnt have a crush on him he is such a nasty guy to love but at least it confirms once again that he does

[sturnsslut]

sleepover - chris sturniolo

a/n : not much but leave suggestions, i’ll write almost anything + lowercase intended !!

warnings - dom!chris x sub!reader , pet names, teasing, swearing, fingering, p in v, unprotected sex, slight choking, sneaky

——————————————————————————

‘ i feel you inside , no better feeling ‘

me and nick sturniolo had been best friends for almost 4 years now , and i had the BIGGEST crush on his brother , chris. of course i would never tell him , but i had a feeling he already sorta knew . ever since i told nick about my crush on chris , he has been teasing me NON STOP about it for almost 2 years. and he's always feeding into my delusions , even tho im trying to get over him.

anyway nick is constantly telling me how chris is always asking when im coming over next, how he's always talking about me , how he's starring at me when im not looking, things like that.

i don't believe any of it, but i wish. anyways i was bored, and it was Saturday so i thought i could call nick to have him come over so we could hangout , because if i saw chris, this whole " getting over him " thing would go right back to stage one. i got out my phone and pulled up nicks contact to invite him to come over , because ill be damned if all a bitch does is watch netflix alone on a saturday night.

iMessage

twin 💗 - nick

me - (you obv) 😭

me

NICKKK

i miss you sm

can you come over pls

i wanna hangout

twin 💗

TWIN I MISS YOUUU

I would but matt isn't here

so there isn't anyone to drive me

you can come over here thoooo

fuck. i tossed my phone to the side and let out a loud sigh , why can't anything work out in my favor ?? i picked up my phone and texted back nick.

me

well maybe you should get a license 😒

IM JUST KIDDINGGGG

twin 💗

Shut up bitch

you don't have one either

now come onnn

you can see ur man 😱

me

i hate you

im omw

twin 💗

😘

i texted my older brother and asked him if he could take me to nicks, which i didn't want to because he was at work and i didnt wanna wait but, oh well. he said he'd take me and so about an hour later he came home and told me he was waiting outside.

i threw on whatever, not really caring considering the fact i thought i was going to be in nicks room the entire time i was there. i put on blue plaid pajama pants and a black crop top with an oversized grey jacket, and some random slippers.

i packed my bag and ran outside, thanking him for the ride. a few minutes later i was at the sturniolos house.

i knocked on the door expecting nick, but of fucking course , it was chris.

" um hey." i said awkwardly, looking down at him.

"hey pretty. nicks in his room" he replied and opened the door further for me to walk in. i brushed past him and accidentally got a little too close. like i touched his dick type of too close.

i heard him groan silently as i walked past, making my way to nicks room.

fast forward a few hours , me and nick were watching a movie when he passed out.

i was gonna go and hangout with matt, but then i remembered he still wasn't back yet from wherever the fuck he was at, so with nothing else to do, i just decided to go to sleep right alongside nick.

i remember randomly waking up around 2AM for no reason but feeling hungry, so i made my way to the kitchen and got a freezer meal or wtv tf

i heat it up in the microwave and while i'm waiting , i decide to just get comfortable and lean on the counter while i scroll on my phone.

i'm about to shut off my phone when i hear something "nick?" i whisper shouted because i was slightly startled by the noise

there was no answer , i just shrug my shoulders and continue scrolling on my phone, when i suddenly feel two warm hands on my waist.

i jumped but not enough to move, i turn around to chris with his hands resting on my waist , looking at me with an indescribable look.

"what..are you doing?" i said flustered, turning my head to look at him , but again not enough to move our bodies any further apart.

"nothing..just can't sleep." he replied

god , his sleepy voice was literally going to make me bust.

" okay.." i say confused and go back to scrolling on my phone. i feel him rest his head on shoulder

" what are you watching "

" just t.." my voice trailed off as i realized i could feel that he had a big ass boner, and he was wearing only sweatpants

i struggled to get my words out because of the situation i was in, so i just ignored the question.

i felt him smirk and her closer to me, him getting more hard the closer he gets, with his hands still on my waist.

"what..you like the way this feels mama?" he says slipping his hands down into the front of my pants, but not fully.

“i.." i could barley speak due to the uncontrollable amount of flips my stomach was doing

"use your words ma." he says getting closer to me, his boner now fully on my ass

i'm gonna bust was literally my thought process. i was nervous, but of course im gonna do what he tells to.

"yea.." i say now slightly arching my back

he turns me to face him, so now im leaning against the counter and facing chris.

he takes one of his hands and guides it up to my face, "do you really."

"yeah" i let out a breathy moan and he smirks leaning closer to me, holy shit. no way this is happening.

he kisses me and i kiss him, he moves his hand down to my neck as we make out, the kiss turns into a sloppy make out, and he picks me up and i wrap my legs around him, he sets me on the counter so im perfectly aligned with his waist, as we're still making out

he starts leaving kisses on my neck and i grab his hair as he does so, leaving a trail of hickeys.

“ fuck " i slightly whisper , this felt so good.

he stopped for a moment before placing one hand on my waist and the other in my pants

" you ready ?" i nodded desperately, not being able to use my words because of how badly i needed him.

he stuck two fingers inside of me and i grabbed onto the back of his shirt in pleasure

" damn ma your so wet ..all for me? how long have you been waiting for this mama "

i nodded, physically not being able to speak because of how good his fingers felt inside me.

“ use your words. how long. " he demanded , grabbing my chin making me look him in the eyes

i paused, not wanting to me too loud. " damn ma, you like how i touch you that much you can't speak ?"

" t..two years " i struggled to push out those simple words. this man knew what he was doing with his hands.

" come on baby, if you were horny you could've told me. i would've helped you with ease. " he said, stopping for a second

" i didn't think you were into me. " i admitted

" really? i thought it was obvious. everytime you came over to see nick i would get hard just looking at you..i've been waiting for this moment a while to ma. "

he moved his fingers in and out of me again without warning, and i moaned a little too loud.

"watch your volume pretty girl..i'd hate for me to have to stop cause you couldn't control yourself "

i nodded agreeably, and trust me when i listened. i'd waited for this moment almost 2 years , i wasn't gonna let anything ruin it.

his fingers continued to move in and out of me at a rapid pace for another 2 minutes , and i felt myself start to get close

"chris...i'm close" that's when he took his fingers out of me and i caught my breath for a moment.

he took his dick out of his pants and it sprung out instantly. when i looked down, my jaw dropped.

he was easily a good 9 inches, and that was just a guess. i'm so screwed.

he stroked himself and laughed when he saw the look of surprise on my face. " what ? all your other little boyfriends had a small cock ?" he teased

i pulled my pants down further so chris had easier access. he got closer, until our noses were basically touching. "you ready ma" i nodded eagerly , because of how close we were, i felt his cock literally in between my thighs. " yes, yes i am just please fuck me " he smirked and put one of his hands on my waist , the other holding his dick. "you sure?" he asked me again, me giving the same answer.

and with that, he shoved in only 7 inches , just to see if i could take him or not. i gasped but covered my mouth because i remember what he said about keeping quiet.

" good girl " he smirked at me again, then shoving the entire 9 inches in me. i put my hands under his shirt, leaving scratches all down his back

" fuck mama..your so tight" he said pausing in between sentences

i could barley speak, but i wanted more. i managed to get two words out , "faster..please" i begged

" more already? alright ma..."

he thrusted in and out of me even faster than before, about a minute goes by before i felt that knot build up in my stomach.

" chris.." i paused before my next sentence, remembering that i had to be quiet "im close."

“ not yet pretty girl.. please- mmm fuck you feel so good. "

i giggled slightly, before telling him how we should switch positions if he didn't want me to finish so soon.

" you got it mama. " and with that, he took me off of the counter and set me down, bending me over the counter instead.

he grabs my hips and lines me up, " you ready? you know i just gotta ask" he asks

i could feel his tip touching me, he was definitely teasing. well if he wants to tease..i can do it to.

"hm not yet..i need to catch my breath" i teased and move my waist slightly, feeling his tip against me

" how bout now?" he asks eagerly

"i don't know .." i answer, he's like a needy child , how cute

" mama please ..i need you so bad. "

" im ready " and with that he slams his entire 9 inch dick inside of me , going faster than before

" you think it's funny for you to tease me ? is it because you know you take me so well ?"

his sleepy voice..fuck.

" fuck..sorry" i say , i couldn't even think cause he was fucking me so good.

he grabbed my neck from behind and thrusted faster , that's when i knew i was close.

" chris , i cant ..im gonna-" im cut off by my release , letting it all go , and man i came hard.

“i’m almost there ma...in or out"

i mean, i was on the pill. " in , cum inside me please."

" mm..you got it pretty " he releases , and i feel his warm cum inside me , best feeling ever btw.

now we're both just leaning against the counter , heavy breathing, sweaty, looking at each other " you took me so good mama."

this man was really tryna make me nut for a 2nd time huh..i grabbed the food id forgotten about out of the microwave and made my way back to nicks room.

" goodnight chris. " i say with a smirk " goodnight ma." he says smirking back at me

a/n: umm !! don’t know if i like this but i have something coming soon for the matt girlies 🤗

[gemini-sensei]

i hope you're having a better day today! 🫶🏽

just kind of sitting here wondering about miguel and shy, nerdy larusso reader 😭 Very much in my head about miguel being head over heels for sam, until reader shows up (was out sick or something lol) and she's fully friends with all the nerds & miguel's like "why didnt you guys tell me about her?" and dem & eli are just like "idk 🤷🏻‍♂️ shes one of us?"

Maybe she's self conscious because she's bigger than her sister and has always felt like the second choice ?? Idk today is just a soft miguel kind of day for me lol would love to hear your thoughts if you have any!

- 🌼

"why didn't you tell me about her?" is such a mood tho.

Miguel comes to school, sees Sam and is kind of crushing. But the next day, Reader joins him, Eli, and Demetri at their table like "hey guys, sorry I was out. No one bothered you, did they?" and Miguel is absolutely lovestruck. She looks at Miguel and he's just staring until she waves at him with a cute smile.

"Hi."

"Hey."

They all talk about nerdy things like video games and comics, and the guys inform Reader on what she missed, which wasn't much. It's a fun time. It's great.

When she gets up to get another drink, Miguel looks at his new friends and is like "guys wtf!" and all Demetri has to say for himself is "Well, you were gonna meet her eventually, I didn't think telling you about her was all that important."

"Yeah, but she's totally hot and likes the same stuff as us, and you didn't think that was important?" Miguel asks.

Their conversation about it is cut short by Reader coming back and resuming the previous conversation. Miguel thinks that she's so cool.

Meanwhile, Reader isn't totally in love with herself. She constantly feels compared to her sister, especially as school. Sam is pretty and popular and has a lot of pretty and popular friends. She and Sam are so different body-wise as well that it's no wonder she gets so much more attention from guys. Reader would actually think Miguel is into Sam for a while, so she'd only look at him as a friend because she doesn't want to get hurt.

However, her feelings are uncontrollable. She falls for Miguel more and more with each passing day and they bond over karate. She doesn't tell him that her dad hates Cobra Kai or that Johnny is her dad's high school bully because she thinks that has nothing to do with their friendship. They will do karate in their free time, though, and that brings them closer together. They do other stuff together, too, like studying, playing video games, going to the movies; normal friend things., but she can't help but wish they were more.

Her insecurities around her body get revealed when they're watching a movie together and she accidentally lets it slip that she wishes she could look like the pretty actress on screen. Miguel is shocked by the admission and Reader becomes embarrassed. "You're beautiful just the way you are," he tells her and she shakes her head, mentioning how the pretty version of her is Sam. Then she excuses herself to refill their popcorn and Miguel is left to think about what she said. Oh how he wishes she saw herself the way he sees her.

Because he thinks she's so beautiful, inside and out, because her smile is shining and her laughter is angelic. She's smart and kind and sweet and nerdy in the best way possible. And she can do karate! What more could he ever want in a girl? So what if she's got some extra meat on her bones? he doesn't care about that. in fact, he'd say that's something he loves about her because no matter what body she's in, she's amazing. And he might wanna cuddle up and hold all of her close and give her extra fat a squeeze or two.

All he has to do it tell her he likes her and ask her out... but how?

[sillyyuserr]

I LOVE YOUR ANALYSES SO MUCH

You could make an analysis abt how Teru acts subtly jealous of Aoi.

He said he hates how Akane acts around Aoi, he interrupted their kiss, he looked sad when they were talking at the fireworks party, and there’s other examples that I don’t remember aswell of him seeming salty about things that could signal jealousy.

THANK YOU SM AHHH <3 i look up to u omg this is an honor

terukane mini analysis 🤍 this time, centered on teru’s jealousy of aoi

Item A: teru disliking the way akane is around aoi

i’m seeing a reoccurring pattern of teru showing a disliking for akanes crush on aoi.

Now this is really interesting, because why tf would he dislike how he likes her?? Outside of a shippers perspective its pretty confusing right? Maybe because we have to look at it through a shippers perspective. what other logical explanation is there for why he dislikes it other than “wishing downfall on their relationship because he hates fun and love” than him quite possibly liking one of them? And by one of them, i mean akane.

he not only knows akane more, but seems to be quite comfortable with him. Akane being teru’s only actual friend, if he can even call him that. We’ve seen panels of teru pictured with other kids in frame, yet alone himself

Showing he’s never really had friends. Yes he’s had people he talks to, but no actual friend friends. But then, akane came along. he’s the only thing aside from school/exorcism he has going on, leading to him constantly being on his mind, so much so to the point of him literally talking ab him to his siblings when it seems clear no one asked and he’s talking from his mind

Back to teru’s crush, teru doesnt even know aoi. I mean he knows her, but doesnt know know her. On the other hand, he knows and likes akane alot so teru liking akane would make more sense than him liking aoi.

Item B: teru disliking when aoi + akane are together w/o him

he was eavesdropping in on their ‘moment’ here, but as soon as akane was ab to kiss aoi thats kinda where teru drew the line and interrupted.

Playing it off as him simply running into them.

later after saving aoi, when akane and her were back together again, teru was moping ab it being seemingly jealous.

he was SO jealous that just seeing them hold hands like that gave him the motivation to get up and walk down there (motivation he hasn’t had for at least a few days)

Him also asking aoi if she wanted to hangout at the festival with him (presumably because he didnt want her and akane to hangout together, but she ended up rejecting the both of them)

we dont have many one on one teru and aoi interactions so i didnt have much to go off of. Pls excuse me if any of this is poorly written, or if i Interpreted anything wrong 😭

sorry this took a bit it took me awhile to think of what to write cus usually i KNOW what im getting myself into but for them its so spread out and confusing

anyway terukane real :33

[ratsbypaulzindel]

HI. BIG OVERVIEW OC POST THING. IT'S RAINFOREST FLOODS.

have you ever thought to yourself "hey wouldnt it be cool if there was an oc story made by two guys and it was about a haunted waterpark slash arcade in a fake town in a real state". you probably haven't. but if you have youre in luck! more under the cut ok.

rainforest floods is a terrible no good ocverse made by me and my good friend crawford @dykeseesgod. everyone in it sucks and is horrible except maybe one or two side characters. it's set in the podunk middle of nowhere town of timberline, new mexico, and more specifically a waterpark/arcade called rainforest floods (title drop).

also the waterpark SUUUCKS like its budget is nothing they are in debt. the managers havent paid taxes in 15 years. anyway these are the employees. theyre bad

and these are the co-managers. theyre even worse (and also toxic old man yaoi. these refs were drawn by the aforementioned crawford)

anyway yeah. they get up to wacky hijinks in what will ideally be a tv show coming out in one million years. they're also horrible and tragic. most of it is bruce's fault. some of its not though!

ok also here's some other side characters.

^ running gag that nobody knows her name except kelsey who has a huge crush on her.

^ unnamed girl's younger brother who is constantly faced with horrors and torment at the hands of the rainforest floods employees. dont get me wrong hes annoying as fuck but he didnt deserve to run on that hamster wheel. (ref also drawn by ford)

^ jeff's girlfriend. also the coolest person in timberline new mexico. worlds most unimportant minor character but she is wonderful and loved by the producers (me and cosmo)

FUNNY OUT OF CONTEXT THINGS THAT SHOULD MAKE YOU MORE INVESTED IN THIS OCVERSE

rainforest floods stupidity logic is a thing me and robbie came up with to explain why all the characters are idiots who dont find things out that are important to the plot too soon.

there's a chain gimmick restaurant that andy's whole family runs except him. its like italian food but its like also magicians. their tagline is "so good its practically magic". andy hates it.

kyle has a curse on him so that nobody remembers or recognizes him outside of like. his family. so the rff employees arent even targeting him for their shenanigans on purpose theyre all just weird freaks.

kelsey gives unnamed girl the company landline as her phone number because shes stupid and a ghost and doesnt have a phone.

the employees all get together on wednesdays in the breakroom and compare evidence on whether or not andy and bruce are together romantically. its the one thing that truly bonds them all together.

vincent: is a watchmojo fan, had his first kiss as beethoven in his 12th grade production of dog sees god confessions of a teenage blockhead (2004), gets really christian in some episode subplot, is not a swiftie but he is a gaylor, wishes he was jonathan sims sooooo bad, types like a toddler who was just given a keyboard.

vincent also ruined rainforest floods' lobby playlist

also there's a brand account that we run and post on whenever we feel like it. its more of a sounding board for ideas we may explore more in the future. its fun but it may be a bit difficult to get the full idea with the execution so :-( sorry you wont fully understand our wonderful and hilarious visions

annnd i think that's it. yay worlds silliest yet most tragic oc story. ok bye ^_^

[rosewoodconch]

RWCH Readathon 2024: Day 6

Undercover Princess - Chapter 17

And it continues

Yknow what though

I appreciate that Lottie at least accepts that she was so incredibly stupid and that she doesnt go bragging like that again

Jamie was so right for that

I love him for all of this

"He might break his leg but it was a small price to pay for her perfect school record"

Iconic i love her

Oh youll be nervous here so many more times sweetie

Jamie teasing her makes me laugh every time. Hes so real for that

Poor ellie

Because what even

Your best friend and body guard that you dont want are both standing there covered in mud

The way shes instantly protective of Lottie is amazing and so sweet and i think im gonna explode

Childhood friend

What a small way to explain such a big thing

To be fair to her parents though they dint know what the fuck is happening and theres now rumours?!??!?!?!

"But what if it did" 👀

BRIKTAH returns. Excellent word

And old Maravish dialect. Connie tell us. Please. I wanna learnnnnnn

I still cant believe its called a portman just because Connie had a crush on Natalie Portman. Love her so much

Finally! Explanations!

"Fancy bodyguards" ehhh kind of.

Ellie wishes more than anything she didnt want to have one, especially not a "true" partizan

Poor Jamie

OKAY TO BE FAIR WE CONSTANTLY GET TOLD ITS ROMANTIC AND I WONDER HOW OFTEN THEY FALL IN LOVE.

How were we meant to know that sometimes they're secretly related and not even they know?

This is about Lolamie shipping back in the day im still upset about it 🤢😭

Anyway

"Do you have one?" Lottie take two seconds to have a single coherent thought befire you speak I beg of you

But how insane would that be to find out. Youre 14 and not only is your roommate a fucking undercover princess, she also has a trained bodyguard, raised from birth to protect her. Who by the way is also in your english class

Poor girl

SHE HAD HER PASSPORT THE WHOLE TIME AND DIDNT SHOW BINAH OR ANI ETC

Ugh i give up

ROAD TRIP LETS GOOOOOOOOOOO

This chaoter is so fun because we the reader have been putting these pieces all together of "we can always send in jamie" to "the boy in the photo" etc

But other than vaguely whats been said now, we have no idea whats next for lottie, what a portman is or why we're going to Maradova. Its brilliant storytelling!!!

[yuukei-yikes]

hope you dont mind me asking this but since you seem very knowledgeable about the fandom and all i thought it was suitable

why is there so much ship content between sato kido and kano?? are they not adoptive siblings?? theres even some in semi canon (i think) contents like in anthologies too,, i mean not surprised it exists since weird people are in every fandom but its talked so casually here

with momo and hibiya too actually! because of the huge age gap you would think it wouldn't be such a casual ship but it somehow is?? as far as i seen anyways

oh man lollll nah i dont mind. fair question and it's much better to have an answer to this

im putting it under the cut bc it turned out kinda long and into a rant, and also to warn i mention the themes suggested in the ask (incest, age gaps)

basically it's no secret that in japanese media, incest and age gaps are widely normalized even today so just imagine in 2013 when kagepro was at its peak.

back then, kido and kano specifically were a WIDELY popular ship. here's the thing with the weird kano and kido (and seto too but mainly kano and kido) shipping, aside from what i said abt normalized incest and shit. kano and kido (and seto) being siblings is actually... sort of a spoiler? it's not revealed early on.

kano and kido are presented as 2 kids the same age living together and having different names. and they purposefully stop acting like siblings. SO it doesnt register until you get into their backstories. they're both adopted into the same family when theyre like... 7 or 8, and were friends before becoming siblings so people were able to use this excuse: "OHHH THEYRE MORE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS"

but like..... they live together as siblings for YEARS and to be honest im sure 99% of people watch the song mvs FIRST which u can binge in 1 afternoon and if ur watching with any sort of actual interest and attention, you WILL see kano and kido as part of the tateyama family in ayano's theory of happiness. not to mention the anime came out in 2014 which im also sure 99% of kagepro fans have seen. so to me that was always an excuse if it came from a very dedicated fan though i do understand it if it's from a casual enjoyer, like they truly didn't catch that they're siblings

when i joined the fandom i was 13, didnt know eng or japanese, and thought mekatrio childhood friends made total sense for some good 6 months into the fandom until I realised properly. a few months ago, i discovered a very close friend of mine had a kagepro phase in 2014 or something and told me he really shipped kano and kido and when i told him they're siblings he was like WHAT!!!!!!!

and another thing abt kano and kido. they're indubitably the queerest characters. THEY LOOK THE FUCKING GAYEST. there is Something abt pushing the gay characters together?? kido is constantly mistaked for a guy. kano the poor thing had ANOTHER popular ship going for him with ayano because people decided he is that way to shintaro because he actually had a crush on ayano. yeah. this was the fucking consensus with kano, shintaro and ayano. like i mentioned i DONT KNOW japanese and only ever read the translations of the novels and i also dont Know what jin was thinking when writing kano and shintaro. But. dear lord it reads fucking homosexual my dude. jin does this by accident a lot though. look at kido and momo. momo calling kido beautiful 1000 times but she's like Well as a woman i am jealous i wish i was that pretty. bruuuh ok anyways moving on Ill GET to jin again in a second.

like you said, semi official stuff like the anthologies are very heavy on this ship and also.... sorry, the manga which is an official media. is Heavily into this ship. for jin's stance on it, i am not sure. i do think he laughs it off but he NEVER intended to write them that way. in the seventh novel theres a whole bit where kido's telling kano you shouldve never hidden this from me im your sister we are family. even shintaro who is the pov ur reading from is like wow what a nice brother and sister AND THATS THE SECOND TO LAST NOVEL WHICH BY THEN THE SHIP WAS SUPER POPULAR SO TO ME THAT WAS JIN'S WAY OF REMINDING EVERYONE THEYRE SIBLINGS. personally i think jin truthfully intended to write kano and kido as siblings but doesnt care people ship them otherwise he wouldnt have had the manga written by someone who shipped them

so basically what happened. kagepro was confusing and people sometimes missed they are siblings. in japanese media its super normalized. it is 2013 so here it is also normalized in fandom spaces. fanart ensues, even official or semi official content teases it, and yeah. boom its popular

another big part of it was, EVERYONE GETS A PARTNER!!!! kagepro content has A LOT of Shipping Pieces if that makes sense. idk what to call it but like god, pixiv entries with 1 shinaya, 1 harutaka, 1 setomary.... and 1 hibiya and momo and 1 kano and kido. god awful. if any golden year kagepro fans follow me they will KNOW what im talking about.

now that i mentioned it. hibiya and momo. ough. idk man. people were properly weird with this one. because with kano and kido they at least made up a damn excuse. with hibiya and momo there was nothing. but the thing is, jin is entirely to blame here. absolutely fucking disgusting bro. unlike with kano and kido, with hibiya and momo he actively wrote it. in the third novel their chapters together or any of hibiya's chapters are actual fucking torture to read. i wont go into details if u havent read it but like there are Reasons i never recommend kagepro to people.

its good to give jin proper respect he IS the creator of my favorite characters ever in the whole wide world and the writer of the story that makes me the happiest ever in the history of life. but. that doesn't mean i dont hold him accountable for being weird as hell in his writing because he absolutely is

back in the early days of this blog i had my very own Gets Send Deaths Threats arc by some people who shipped these guys or people who were mad i criticized jin (i always suspected it was like. the same 1 or 2 people. with a lot of time in their hands) soooo honestly answering this activated my fight of flight a little bit but tbh i havent seen Any content here on tumblr (i do have everything blacklisted to hell and back) or gotten ANY rude messages here in years, so i think we're good👍

hope this was helpful and i hope ur not grossed out of kagepro though I'd understand. u kinda need a strong stomach not only for its themes but sadly kagepro does the gross anime thing animes do :(

[weebsinstash]

Just found another werewolf story I thought was going good and about 10 chapters in, an Alpha who started to imprint on the protagonist decided to, instead of like, talking to her at all, or even letting her know he has any sort of feelings for her at all, especially since she is kind of an outcast and many avoid her and even he barely even talks to her, this guy decides to, just straight up, in front of the whole pack, suddenly step forward during the monthly claiming ceremony and just be like "oh yeah by the way I want her", just, hadn't even told her he likes her and is doing the equivalent of publicly proposing to her in front of the entire community (oh and before this he had pulled her in a dark closet and kissed her lowkey without her consent and never even told her it was him)

And this story has this stupid ass concept that I initially liked where, the wolf can imprint on someone and that can create a sort of mate bond, but like, it's presented as "this guy gets a crush on this girl, so the girl's wolf begins to like the guy even as the girl is kind of, doesn't care about him and the female wolf is constantly badgering the girl to give the guy attention even though the girl doesnt want to" so its also like, now the girl is having her thoughts and emotions influenced because an entirely separate person had a crush in her? That isn't fair? Why should she be literally brainwashed and forced to reciprocate just because HE likes HER? That isn't even love???

But it goes one step further because the human girl is rightfully saying "uh wow this is WAY too fast, I need time, i didnt even know you liked me dude, this is way too much all at once" and her wolf I shit you not says "don't you dare" and, takes over her body and publicly accepts the claim FOR her, and then they pass out, and the girl wakes up and she says "wait i didn't agree, that was my wolf, don't I get a choice?" And she's told NO, just straight up told NO YOU DON'T GET A CHOICE. And THEN the guy is all "since I'm an Alpha I HAVE to mark you TODAY otherwise my wolf will take over" so not only is she being forced into this relationship against her will but she has to be basically soul bound the exact same day and probably have to have sex? And this isn't acknowledged as like, a legit horror story plotline at all, the guy even tells her "you have no choice, just like I didn't have a choice in my wolf imprinting on you" and it's like dude that's worse, you didn't get a crush until something inside you decided that for you? Then you don't actually love her as far as I'm concerned?

But anyways I just really like, resent that a lot of these stories literally RIP any and all sort of choice and agency away from the female proganist and you can still just HEAR some of these authors going like "don't you just love your wish fulfillment girlboss story? Isnt it so #yasqueen?" And its like "ma'am the female protagonist is literally in a dungeon without food water or sunlight JUST because she refused to have sex with the abusive male love interest"

[hitmewheretheheartis]

Notes to self as I try to get over my crush:

1. I am okay with people missing out on me.

2. At some point, ur just too exhausted and fed up to care anymore?! He grown, he can do whatever he wants! Release ur grip girl and free urself of the stressing the worrying the overthinking... like at some point its too much I can find someone else who doesn't stress me out like u do and can give me a worry free lifestyle

3. Let fate handle it. As with all things that are true and from the heart, if it's meant to be, fate will find a way. It's more beautiful and poetic that way anyway!

4. Focus on ur skincare routine and studies instead!!! Get ur glow up, get ur value up, get ur price up ✨️

5. What would Choi Hyeseon (from Singles Inferno) do? Acknowledge ur self worth like her and be willing to walk away from anyone!

6. "I can do it with a broken heart."

7. Sometimes... it's better to be the person that is just out of reach.

8. At the end of the day, I care about him, I want him to be happy, and I don't want him to be hurt.

9. Become a shrouded mystery.

10. Pretend ur a heartbroken Chinese empress in ancient times drinking away her sorrows.

11. Sad to see you destroy the image I had of you in my head. So disappointed and disheartening to realize he's not the sweet, strong, self assured, smart, emotionally mature, gentle, thoughtful, lowkey, dignified, introverted guy u had fallen for, who u trusted, who made u feel safe. Such a unique grief im feeling. Grieving the bond we had. Grieving the guy I thought I knew, and the pathetic insecure self centered petty average guy that replaced him. The guy who was my friend. Maybe that guy only lives in my head. Maybe I made him up.

12. Find the humor and lightness in the situation. Like if u didn't have feelings for him, if u didnt care so much about what he does, if u didnt care that he liked u, u would think: is he okay?????? Maybe he needs space...

13. Absence and inspiring/engaging negative emotions of loss.

14. You r a catch, u have the credentials to back it up, you are desirable, you r not constantly just there for him no matter what. never forget ur worth. Put yourself on the pedestal. They prove themselves to you. They are winning or losing out on you. Not the other way around. If ur love is unconditional, then it won't inspire a feeling of losing/winning for him.

15. The moment he makes u feel disrespected and unsafe and anxious. Take away access. Remove yourself from the equation. Friendship privileges (caring) r gone. Take the power back. It's okay if he wants another girl! Wish him the best! He can go! Hope he finds and chases what he's looking for out there!

16. This post below. You are his heart and soul. His core values exemplified. Everywhere else is hollow.

17. He lost: my care, my dynamic aura/humor, the vibe I give ppl, his motivation, and my vision of him. He can't find the universe I created for him (the music, the food, the art) anywhere else. Ya can't fix me into a box. I'm just that girl!

18. Read it ends with us again... both u and lily bloom deserve atlas, not ryle!!!

19. Ickkkkkk

20. He wants a superficial blonde sorority girl, he can go have her! I know who I am and I love my world and my universe my life and being me so that ain't stressing me out. He can go stress out another girl

21. High value women like go aeishin, hyeseon make choices out of self love and have a strong core. They have rules for themselves and others and they do not bend those rules. They stand on business. They command respect and so attraction.

22. Recognize when someone is toxic for ur heart and health. Pulling away from him is an act of self love.

23. Disillusioned with his image of me. I'm smart, I'm talented!!! There's a toxic pattern where he likes a girl that feeds his ego, that is a people pleaser, that is a hopeless romantic, that centers their life around him. Why does he never compliment her talents, her skills, her capabilities? I want respect and admiration, not attachment.

25. "If u don't speak up for yourself, they'll think ur stupid." -sza's grandma

I'm nobody's fool. Im not going to be remembered as someone who wasted their time on him, just for him to say he is no longer attracted. Im not going to have a boy crazy reputation. Im not there to stroke his ego, for him to get off on my devotion. I'm not a footnote in his life as an epic hero. It's my dreams. My goals. My wants. MY loves. I'm the main character. I'm the it girl. I'm that bitch.

26. Affirmation: I don't want him, I am out of his league, he is not up to my standards. His petty trivial games is giving insecure NPC... its below me. A girl destined for big things don't have time for the small shit to get her down... let the players of stupid games win stupid prizes, I've got bigger missions

27. Hated the way he described the women in his life. "She was alright at soccer" everything was always in relation to him, he never described the women as goated, the only girl he truly respected seemed unattainable to him.

28. I love myself and my life and a man should fit into it, and enhance and upgrade my lifestyle, not make it worse. I should not be contouring myself to fit into his life. I will not blow up my life to be with him.

29. I'm that girl. My vibe is addictive. He craves my attention. Call me dust the way you will return back to me.

30. Remember yumi's cells.

31. He said "you can't turn a hoe into a housewife" omfg....... he's literally so fcking shallow and toxic.

32. He said a girl was into him but he wasn't into her.... literally all girls r just ego boosts to him

33. I'm tired of exhausting myself over him. He likes girls chasing after him but I will not be blowing up his phone.

34. Crazy how easy I fall out of love when I lose respect for someone.

35. U r allowed to outgrow ppl.

36. This boy made u so sad u went home in the middle of the work day. Like ... be ur own protective older sister. Connecting with him is self sabotage girl.

37. He hurt me so bad that he singlehandedly cured my people pleasing tendencies, be unapologetic in my decisions and doing what's best for me, helped me stand on business, learn to say no and be inaccessible/unavailable to people, be more strict and disciplined with myself, value my own feelings/needs, stopped always being on the losing end, care less about what people think of me, stop chasing love from ppl and instead seek respect, prioritized my own personal appointments, and focus on my competence, inner confidence, and internal validation. I gotta treat myself well and not tolerate bare minimum and bs from myself in order to not tolerate that shit from others. From now on I am high maintenance.

38. What a privilege to be a character that experiences my love and attention, to be seen from my point of view. What a privilege to get to have the sue experience. Not everyone gets it.

39. "It's only because you love them. You are their source of power."

[theygotlost]

TWENTY. YEARS. OF RATCHET AND CLANK. LOOKS AT YOU WITH BLOODSHOT EYES. i really wish i had the foresight to draw something for the anniversary but it just didnt happen. i think i still will draw something but it will just be late and thats ok. anyway I would like to share MY experience with the series ❤

my first ever rac game was tools of destruction. my dad brought it home one day and i had no idea what it was, I dont think HE knew what it was, I have no idea why he bought it. we never had a ps2, only a ps3, so nobody in my family had ever played the og trilogy. I didnt even know there were earlier games in the series for several more years. idk exactly how old I was, maybe 8 or 9, so this was a few years after tod's release (2009-10??). I watched my dad play it, and I thought it was the most awesome shit ever. I rarely actually played it myself cause I was bad at video games but I had such a huge crush on ratchet i wanted him to be my catboy bf so bad (some things never change 😑....) but my little brother became OBSESSED with it and played it over and over and over. he was only like 6 so he couldnt even read and didnt know the actual title of the game so he just called it "THE ROBOT GAME". i remember being so fucking confused and pissed off by the ending LOL. we had quest for booty pretty shortly after that and played that a million times too. i dont even think i registered that it was a separate game from tod and tbh i still think of it as tod dlc.

next was the acit demo, which again we played a million times, until finally our parents got us the full game (again a few years after release so probably around 2011-12). I distinctly remember my brother and i thought qwarks line in the opening cutscene "space. its big. so big in fact, that if you lost your car keys in it, they would be almost impossible to find" was the funniest shit ever and we quoted it constantly.

(and when I say "we played", i mostly mean i watched my le epic gamer brother play while I pissed him off with my backseat driving the entire time. sometimes this ended in physical violence.)

then we got all4one, and i remember my brother and I begging our dad and a family friend to play it with us so we would have a full party. our friend was like "idk guys, this is kinda wacky and quirky 🤨". I always insisted on playing as ratchet cause he was my specialest little boy and my brother mained nefarious. he LOVED nefarious he would run around screaming ANNIHILATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!

our parents got my brother into the nexus for christmas 2013, but at that point i had kind of lost interest and didnt care so i didnt play it (or just watch him play it like i did most of the time). for the next several years I really didnt give the series much thought. I might have played some of tod or acit again, i dont remember, but it was just something I used to like as kid.

and then well. spring 2020. I think a lot of people returned to things from their childhood after the pandemic started because all that fear and uncertainty makes you want to return to a seemingly simpler and safer time, especially if you were living away from your family and had to suddenly move back in with them like i did. so during quarantine I replayed all the rac games we had just for kicks, and it reignited my passion for these games and reminded me just how special they were to me. i became so intensely obsessed with them (especially acit). MY HORRIBLE SON DEX WAS BORN. (dexo is 2 years old now awwwwwwwwww) and ciro lent me his copy of the og trilogy ps3 port and I played the original games for the first ever time. and as luck would have it, rift apart was announced at e3 during that same period. kind of insane to think about. there was no way I was gonna get a ps5 so I just watch other peoples playthroughs 1 million times. i still wanna play it so bad 😭

ratchet and clank isnt even a game series its like a brother to me. its everything. its so important. learn your herstory. for some reason I was under the impression for a long time that rac was a super mainstream series that everyone has played. that a playstation and a copy of acit was made free for all americans by the president. but unfortunately the fandom is so so small with barely any active members on tumblr. there was a HUGE surge in content last year cause of rift apart, but 90% of people quickly forgot about it and moved on. i am eternally grateful to my rac mutuals and followers that continue to post and talk about it. o7

[xstarvibezx]

Idk what Rainbow Friends is but I’m super interested in your OC’s storylines!!! What happened to them? What changed? What are they like? Who is your fav? Who do you hate but still love? I’m so interested!!! I kinda wanna draw fanart oops— /gen

OH - HELLO- I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I HAD A ASK-- MY BAD AFJSDHJD

Also I highly recommend that you play Rainbow Friends, it's *SUPER* fun and entertaining. It's on Roblox if you're wondering<3

As for my favorite ocs? I have a few, such as: Candycane, Bittersweet, Pink, Black and Slate^^

As for who do I hate but still love? You know, I don't know actually. I had never thought about it.

And you can draw fanart of them! Just hit me up if you need their reference sheets that I need to remake some of them haha-

Anyways, as for my Rainbow friend ocs? Or my furry/creature ocs?? We'll just do rf ocs haha -- but first. Some notes: this is my first au of them<3

Pink = Pink is Blue's sister, not biologically related but they see each other as siblings, since they both were created on the same day. When Pink was younger, she was a recolor of Blue and absolutely hated it but she couldn't exactly complain about it since the scientists' weren't so. . .uh. . .good to her and the other odd world colors. Though when she got to her teenage years, she got a new design by Jessica(Her creator), but what's sad is that her second design was mostly dead odd world colors that died through the experiments stitched to her. She may have never haven't gotten a chance to know them, but she still was horrified. Later on life, she dated Red. The two were-- or had a okay relationship, but soon broke up when the truth was revealed. And just so you know, it was NOT a pretty breakup. At all. After years passed, Red returned and Pink was still wishing she had a new design, she couldn't ask Jessica to redesign her again, since the science woman despised and hated the odd world colors. (Except Magenta) and when she reunited with Red again, it took a few weeks for them to become normal goos friends, and once they did, she wanted him to redesign her. So he did, even if it meant going through five panic attacks just to help her. Also she receives kill mode later on in her life. Yikes-

I swear I will make a better fleshed out explanation on all of them, just- give me time haha-

Slate = This chubby short lil grumpy guy doesn't have a much of a backstory but he does have some history with Pink, the two are good friends. Slate has a crush on Honeydew, but he's a tsundere. Oh and by the way, he's uh- he's having some mental issues and is dealing with depressing thoughts. He also has kill mode, though nobody knows how he got it.

Honeydew belongs to this person

Candycane = This crazy holiday rainbow creature was created at the start of November and was finished on December 12th. She was a bit crazy at the time but as she grew older, she got more crazier and tends to get herself into trouble. A lot. Though she tries her best to do some things, and sometimes try and be a good partner to Nightlight despite never really experiencing love in their life.

Nightlight belongs to this person

Chocolate = This poor gal lost her fucking legs during a experiment, brutally ripped off. So ptsd for her! Even more so when her creator, Jessica (who's also Pink's creator), had ripped her eye out as a punishment for disobeying his orders. She is *SUPER* emotional and is much more sensitive than Strawberry is. However she developed a disliking towards Slate, who constantly makes fun of her for having no legs. Poor gal can't catch a break, but hey, at least she has Aura.

Aura belongs to this person

Strawberry = The poor giant chubby gal was too late to save a human friend of hers, the woman was named Laura and was killed by Jessica. Nobody knows why she killed her, or how she did it but Strawberry developed a fear of being too late of saving her friends. However, she is super sweet and loving to everyone, and is practically the caretaker of children of any types. She is also in a relationship with Lulu and is quite happy. Though she still terribly misses Laura :(

Lulu belongs to this person

Black = This guy was created by the rainbow friends themselves, it was mostly Blue's idea because Red wasn't there, he had been presumably dead as hell out in the wild after the truth revealed. So originally, Black was a replacement for Red until things went horribly wrong. Nobody knows how or why but Black was created with kill mode and went on a rampage, he had no absolute control over himself and his kill mode at the time, but now he's just chilling and is now mates with Orange, taking care of any rainbow creature kids.

Black & Pink are my first ones haha-

White = I'm remaking him so nothing on him yet, sorry<3

Violet = This gal had miraculously survived throughout dangerous experiments at such a young age, however, they received scars and practically is missing a arm due to those experiments. She is also half blind too. However, she may not talk much and is always being assumed of being muted, they always are chill and acts more like a background character and prefers it that way. She doesn't like attention or drama involving themselves.

Rusty = Ah yes, our magic nerd rainbow creature who always and still believes magic is real. Rusty grew up being told/lied to about fantasy stuff being real, so like, he believes any fantasy creatures were real and such. Also when he was young, he was a female but now he's a male, meaning he's Transgender. However, throughout his life, he is kinda childish. Always believing liars and is somewhat good friends with Lime, but he soon developed a crush but unfortunately Lime has no interest in him and just sees him as a friend.

Neon = It usually goes "Neon" or "Rainbow" due to him having all sorts of different colors, of course, they were created and supposed to be a weapon for odd world though things went south and Neon ended up killing his creator, Aaron. However, they somehow ended up crushing on Grey, and it confuses him. Also they can change her form and is NOT a ghost despite looking like one. Neon goes by many names and is just a insane boi. They absolutely love scaring ppl though<3

This Grey belongs to this person

The Candy Collector/Bittersweet = He goes by many, many, many different names. Most of these names are based off types of certain candy, and such. Though they mostly use "Bittersweet" and "Sugarcoat". He was created at the beginning of August, his creation took much longer due to his extra arms and the abilities the scientists' were giving him. And the rainbow machine was having issues, as well as Bittersweet. His creation was finished at the end of September, and they placed him in the wooden cabin since that's the easiest place for them to give children candy. When October rolled around, Bittersweet started to become a bit more unstable than he usually is. On October 31th, the day of Halloween, that's when he snapped. Bittersweet had killed about 4 or 5 kids, causing the place to shut down and him being thrown out. Though they decided to sneak out and run off, leaving the play place. Oh and by the way, Blue and Purple knows him. Bittersweet had never returned, until later on. Though even now, nobody knows where they live now.

Yellowstone = Our poor derpy gal who can only smile and absolutely despises the odd circus, she was a failed experiment at odd world but was transferred to the odd circus, a place of failed experiments would go. Yellowstone absolutely hates the circus and the people in it, they all treat her and the others like shit. Though she is always how positive she is in front of others but really, she's just dying inside, hating life, and doesn't have a good view of a actual good life. She also despises Sunset.

Blueberry = Another failed experiment, she is short and chubby and is playful. She tries her best to make Yellowstone feel better despite hating the circus herself, she is such a troublemaker and is often viewed as a screw-up, though she doesn't care for the insults. Though she knows Yellowstone is sensitive about pretty much anything. Also Blueberry was created in the circus, so she has no idea there are other places.

Blackberry = He can't really change his mouth expression, and is often pranking others. Trying to ignore the pain he usually gets from the people that treats them all like shit, he is now questioning his sexuality when he started crushing on Blood Orange. Also he's a failed experiment. He can also teleport, so it makes it more easier to prank others and get away. He usually accidentally scares Yellowstone.

Blood Orange belongs to this person

Sunset = She is the favorite, she is loved by the people, the audience and the children. She absolutely loves the circus, not realizing the people were injuring the others, or maybe she does and doesn't care. Either way, she absolutely enjoys making fun of them, especially Yellowstone since she knows that Yellowstone wasn't created in the circus.

Snowflake = The one and only so far that had been transferred to odd world, nobody knows why or how they did it. He was just suddenly transferred to odd world, he is quiet most of the time and nervous too. He is socially awkward and was super awkward when he had explained his situation to Pink. Before anything, yes he's a failed experiment, and yes, Pink welcomed him in despite being awkward herself. So far, Snowflake lived in odd world without worrying the life of the circus weighing down on his shoulders.

Misty Rose = The adopted daughter of Orange and Black, she is a bit hostile and distrustful and is usually seen crossing her arms or wearing a sweater. She was adopted off from Odd World, though Odd World has it all so there's a adoption center for rainbow creatures and human children. Misty Rose was created and then was sent to the center, also yes, Odd World has their own rainbow machine. She is also in love with Mint (A Green X Blue child), and is terrified of Purple, she prefers to keep her distance.

Opal = A decent good friend of Slate, she doesn't really do much in her life. She usually comforts Chocolate whenever Slate is done making her life even more miserable, Opal developed a parental instinct over Chocolate and this caused her and Slate had a falling out. Since then, the two meet with hostility and aggression. She was created at Odd World.

Dark Gray = Our weaponized rainbow creature, he was created at the circus and is now being used as a weapon, they are well aware of it but it learned that if they disobey, he gets locked into a cage like a animal. Dark Gray was already acting more like a animal than a actual rainbow creature. He is easily confused by pretty much anything.

Gray = He used to be Oswald and had done so much damage on the rainbow creatures, especially Red and Purple. Later on, he returned as a Gray cat rainbow creature but soon ended up fucking dying by Bittersweet.

Glowstick = Ah yes, the actual first odd world "color" that was created in odd world. They have the ability to glow in the dark or anytime, and practically can shapeshift. He used to date Violet and had a clean break up, they both just kinda fell out of love. Glowstick at the beginning had a completely different appearance except for her sabortooth like teeth, so when it was ordered to have a new appearance, things went horribly wrong, making her into a failed experiment. There are rumors she might have died but that isn't the case. They aren't dead. She does have crushes on White and Black, and doesn't really know how to act on it so they just kinda. . ."okay".

This Black and White belongs to this person

Carrot Cake = This chubby gal looks like a literal carrot cake, she has the colors of one anyway. She absolutely loves meat and practically will eat meat, chocolate and sweet rolls. She refuses to eat any cake since she says it's cannibalism. Carrot Cake can shapeshift and can practically turn into a puddle whenever she wants and act like she's "melting"

Rosewood = She is a failed experiment, based off of the Pink fanmade design that's more popular than the others. However, her arms were brutally ripped off by her creator, who is unfortunately is unknown right now. She gets along with Yellow the most, since she listens a lot. She absolutely hates scientists and can be aggressive when she wants to be. Nobody knows how she was never transferred to the odd circus despite being a failed experiment.

Yellow = Yellow was created in Odd World, having traits of a cheetah but he isn't fast as Orange, however he's the same height as Orange. Yellow used to be in a relationship with Pink, they got together while Red was gone (more like presumably dead). He has a strong hatred towards Orange and anyone with kill mode. So he despises all the rainbow friends, Pink, Slate and such. Though as much he hates Violet, he is creeped out by her silence.

Lime = This poor guy has no kill mode but when he was first created, he used to be narcissistic and sus, basically a copycat of Jayson (a scientist). Though now, Red had fixed him and now he is pretty chill and crushing on Yellow.

Turquoise = They are a demonic spirit, it's not specific of type of demonic spirit he is but he had died through the experiments. It definitely has kill mode and is forever in it. He has demon and ghost powers such as: possessing bodies and such. It's unknown of what experiment he had been killed by, they just know they died through experiments.

SkyBlue = SkyBlue is based off of some kind of sea monster, though due to this, she can't leave water since she doesn't have legs. However, it doesn't stop her from seeing her girlfriend, Peach (Pink X Yellow child)<3

Magenta 1 = This Magenta is sus as fuvk and acts a lot like Angel Dust and is sus like him, she is enemies with Purple and is practically the favorite of Jessica. She isn't presented when kids are at odd world due to the fact that she's not child friendly, however, later on she does get brutally murdered by 600 KM Red. IT will always be unknown of why Jessica adored her so much though.

Maroon = He absolutely loves the play place and is glad that Red had adopted him and Navy. He was created in Odd World and was taken to the center as well. Though he decided to leave the play place since it was his home, wanting the odd colors to adopt him. Lime, specifically, adopted him.

Navy = She was created and placed in the adoption center, she doesn't talk much but she can be protective over Maroon. She and Maroon were adopted by Red, so now their the adopted children of Red.

Coral = This poor odd color died during one of the experiments, she used to have kill mode before she died. Everyone knows her death, she went crazy and tried to bite Jessica but Vivian had "put her down" so now Coral is just a wandering ghost that never shows up a lot and when they do, it's usually to check on the odd colors to see how their doing.

Cerulean = He used to be a human, so his human life is unknown. Though despite being very emotional, he is infected by KM. Nobody knows how. He is a very forgetful creature, forgetting many things except for his emotional support hoodies. He absolutely loves wearing them. He is surprisingly aggressive whenever he's KM.

Salmon = Salmon was created in the circus, a failed experiment, but he managed to escaped through the sewers, he can easily swim through rivers, oceans, sewage, and such. He's based off of a shark but he has traits of a sea monster. So like a hybrid I guess.

[lushlagoon]

091424

in bed listening to the same music i did during covid, samia and indigo de Souza and haley blais and Phoebe. I can close my eyes and pretended it's covid. im in my kitchen baking and listening to samias fit n full, I am a senior in high school, im driving to the salad place in cool springs or the otaku ramen in west Nashville to pick up food and just get out of the house with my dad, it is winter. I think I will go look at pictures of that now.

ive done a pretty good job of documenting a lot of my life. in high school I had a few apps of diaries and video diaries, first couple years of college I had a sporadic diary and committed to constantly posting on my finsta story, now I have this page. im not ready to look back at things yet. I can't handle it. but there's lots to look back at.

I remember the night my grandma fell during covid, it was scary and ambulances came to the house. I saw her being wheeled off and was worried that was the last time I would see her. I cried in my parents room trying to hold my dog back but she jumped out of my arms, I could never do anything right like anyone else.

its weird that for years my grandmas health was so bad. now shes fine, and my grandpa is the sick one. hes kind of there in his head, hes kind of not. shes risen to the occasion to be there for him, I wish I didnt have covid right now and could spend time with them. im trapped in my room but its ok, music is good and I like typing, its raining and its saturday. its only 11am somehow, im jet lagged and sick so my sleep is both fucked and perfect.

saturday means nothing to me. I am graduated and unemployed as of 2 days ago. I just got my final grades back for all of college. I will have my diploma soon. my dad cried when I was in line to graduate. he couldn't talk. I love him so much, he tried to book a restaurant while we were in Paris that inspired ratatouille but it was raining and we were supposed to sit on a patio. hes way cooler than me. ive been applying to jobs but its tiring and ive been getting nothing good in return.

I used to be annoyed by a lot of my friends. now im not. I think I might be the annoying one. it's better to be the annoying one than be annoyed, but It feels like middle school in my head again sometimes. im so quiet I think, how could I be annoying.

about a month before covid hit, I went to a king princess concert with a few of my friends and my future girlfriend. I had a huge crush on her and that concert felt magical, I had so much fun. my room was set up differently, with my bed against the wall. the room felt bigger. I remember thinking "this makes me so happy, I need to just go to as many concerts as I can". I had had my license for a month, drove my blue bmw, and was trying to get a first job. When covid first hit, I decorated my room for all my friends to come over when the virus passed. I put up photos of my friends on my wall. nobody ever came over, and I think still only like 2 friends have entered this room since covid ended. except for my 18th birthday, that was so much fun. why do we never have fun any more? it feels like my friends are settling down already, getting boring. if I think about it too much it makes me sad, all the photos of my friends on my wall for months but nobody ever saw them.

my dad said the other day 18 is far from 21. I said no it's not, because in my head im still close to 18. but im not, it's not close.

I waited until I was 21 to go to bars and didnt get a fake, so maybe I will wait until my frontal lobe develops to try mushrooms.

i always get covid at weird times, like right before im supposed to go to San Diego. I got it right before my freshman year and had to come at normal time instead of early, I felt so behind when I got there. now im getting it before what was supposed to be my 4th year. I think if everything goes to plan I won't be too sad that Im not having a 4th year.

I was looking around my room at the sign brittani made almost 3 years ago, welcome home andie. I will never be a freshman again. last night I freaked out about that but this morning I can see everything more clearly. everybody has their own experience, I had to grow out of my shell in my own time.

I dont think im good with kids and I wish I was. Im excited for Christmas as long as my nephew doesnt cry when I get him a gift.

I told my girlfriend at the beginning of our relationship that I didnt want her to be friends with one of my friends. I get jealous, like thats my friend dont take them. she didn't understand and now theyre on a trip together. I dont think it's fair that if we break up wed have to share that friend when I stated I didnt want that. and it wasnt like I could stop the friendship, they do fun things together and it was good for my friend.

ive never believed in marriage. I dont wanna talk about it more. but literally never since I was a kid have I thought I would get married. now I understand I will probably have to, but im still unsure that I want to.

im jealous of my girlfriend and her whole music thing. the parts im jealous of, she has something to document, and something for her parents to be proud of. she has a constant outlet for creativity and she has time for it. im jealous she doesnt have to work, but im out of state so, I have to compensate for the massive bills somehow. I need to apply to jobs, and she doesnt like when I talk about it because it makes her stressed. she will be fine, her familys from California.

I am already feeling nostalgic for music from less than 6 months ago. adrianne lenkers new album makes my heart ache, makes me think about the trip to norcal. it was so beautiful. I think I will have to move back to Tennessee soon, and I havent even technically left.

anything by adrianne came on and I started crying, not a sad cry but an emotional cry and it felt good. my dad brought me a cup of green tea in my favorite mug with the painting from ferris beullers day off on it, I havent really dranken green tea since high school when I was trying to lose weight. my mom just got back from a business trip. everything Is right.

I heard adrianne for the first time from Charlie freshman year. I came back to Nashville and got back together with my ex girlfriend and listened to the music with her an entire night one time. im not sure who the song reminds me of, I think more Charlie. its so serendipitous that me and my roommates ended up together.

one of my friends said they thought I was the type of person to not keep in touch with friends after I move. that hurt my feelings but now I almost think that was a dream.

[ventingbaybe]

1/16/24

I did end up moving out after that last post, two or so years ago.

Im on my second year break from school, the whole point of the gap year was to save money for school. I got kicked out though, so there went that.

My parents dont like when i word it that i got kicked out, I was “heavily implied that I should move out so that I can thrive away from my family because they didnt sign up to start taking care of me again because I couldnt go back to school” but not kicked out.

I got a second job, worked 80 hour weeks for a while, quit one, work the other. Moved from one apartment to another and then another. I dont have any roommates, just me. I cant get an animal because it would be irresponsible when im planning on going back to school and wouldnt be able to bring them with me.

Every month I pay $1000 in rent, $500 in my loan repayment, and whatever other shit i get roped into.

I have a boyfriend. I had a crush on him at the beginning of last summer, we met at work. I ended up getting over him at one point. But sometime in October I got drunk and flirted with him, we went on a couple dates and made it official. Its awkward. We dont have anything to talk about and dont have anything in common. I feel bad that I cant be the partner that he deserves, but we just arent fit for one another. We need to break up but we havent had any free time to see eachother and actually have a talk about anything. Hes a great guy, but romantically we just arent compatible at all.

Were having a winter storm in my state and just my washing machine pipe froze, so last night at 2am I got to spend hours cleaning up my overflowed washing machine and hand wringing out and emptying the machine. I feel constantly overwhelmed and like Im drowning, but I dont have a solid enough support system to feel helped. This isnt to diss my friends or anything, I just need professional help at this point and cant keep burdening my friends with this kind of constant badgering of venting.

I need to make some more friends, like actual friends I hang out with who are on a similar level of being grown up as me. I need other people who are moved out that I can find some relation and comfort in. I just dont feel like I have anyone solid in my corner that I can turn to at this moment. Its my own fault which is even more frustrating.

I wish i could just go home and curl up on the couch and be comforted. Im a grown person whose fully moved out, supported completely by myself, but I just want my mom. I wish her and I were close. But neither of us are willing to let down our egos enough to ever talk without fighting. One time my mom told me she likes me better when Im drunk, because Im quiet and sweet. So everytime i go over, I have a drink and pretend it affects me more than it does.

I was a functioning alcoholic for most of my senior year of highschool. I’d drink nearly half a bottle of vodka every night. It hurts to see people compliment how I act when im drunk more than when Im sober. I wish I was a likable person. I dont know why I lash out, why I cant not have the last word, but I also wish i didnt have to fight everyone at any given moment.

I dont know why i fight but I dont know why everyone around me loves to rile me up.

My family has always known I had anger issues, and nothing made them laugh harder than seeing me lose my temper, if i got mad i was laughed at. If i got sad I was laughed at. If i stayed sat at that dining room table and went quiet then i was laughed at. If i excused myself to go to my room or hide in the bathroom, I was laughed at. There was no way to get away from the ridicule besides being an asshole back, and then someone else was always allowed to storm off. No one else was laughed at when they left. The table would go silent until everyone else excused themselves and it was just me.

Theres nothing quite like being left alone while everyone else comforts eachother. Why wasnt I included. Was it my own fault? Was I that repulsive of a kid? A teen? What about me was so fundamentally wrong that I couldnt be included.

I remember being young, maybe 9 at this memory. My brother had said something, I said something back, he stormed off and told my mom. I remember feeling excited when my mom came to my door. I remember thinking maybe it was my turn to be comforted. To be held and rocked the way she would to my brothers. I remember standing there while she screamed at me, hearing my brothers doors squeak open so they could tune in to the show. Being ridiculed for being such a horrible daughter, a horrible sister, just a base level horrible person to be around. How much my brothers would complain to my parents about how much they hated me.

Watching my mother stand there with this blank face as I would stand there, tears welled up in my eyes being told that if it wasnt for being family, I would be unloved.

She would hug me after, let my tears soak into the shoulder of her shirt, and say nothing as Id choke out apologies for being how I was. She’d stand there and hold me, telling me that all I could do was change.

So I tried. I tried so hard. I distanced myself from my family so they wouldnt have to deal with me. I got criticized for hiding away and hating them.

Now that I dont live there its easier. I dont see any of them often and they seem happy. My older brother is also moved out but he was still over there constantly, having dinner with the family most nights. I would tell my mom I would swing by later and come over to an empty house. Id wait for an hour, thinking maybe they were all just out, but they wouldnt be back. Id put away whatever Id brought over and leave, a silent drive back home to throw myself into an empty apartment and sit there. Not even a text to acknowledge whatever Id brought. Who knows if they even noticed.

I know my parents care about me, at least on some level. My dad comes over to help me set up my wifi, he drove me to work during this snow storm. I can see that on a base level he cares. But I hate that ill never know how much. Some people you can just sense it when you meet their parents, how they interact, how their parents look at them so fondly.

I feel embarrassed when my friends meet my family, not because Im embarrassed of my family, but because I know that the way I talk about my family isnt reciprocated. That no matter how many stories of my family I can share to my friends, how fondly I talk about them and their achievements, how every eyelash I wish on is spent wishing for my family to receive only the best, I know that when my friends look at my family and I, they dont see that fond look that their parents give them.

No matter how funny I can be around my friends, it will never translate over with my family. How I get quiet and move to the background around family.

I wish I was something and someone that could be talked about.

I wish I was worth bringing up in conversation when Im not around.

I wish just once in my life I felt like I was worth putting up with.

[tisafloat]

I've always been looking for love, i guess

But the first time wasn't even about love

It was about me always being the person who wanted to make everybody like her

So when he asked if he could kiss me i said "sure, why not?" and after a few "why not" we were dating

And after a couple frustrating months i stopped talking to him and he called me out on it and i thought well it feels like a good time to break up

And he cried, and i cried and my mother thought i was stupid and my aunt called me a whore

I was twelve

I learned around then that i was alive and had feelings too, apparently

When i changed schools and met him, he called my attention and i called his the first day, but he was dating

So i dismissed the feeling, happy to just make new friends

I met her and i fell in love with her, but it was never romantic, even though it was the strongest kind of love i had experienced since forever

Then he broke up and we hooked up and we laid on the street, and we kissed and we danced and i was happy

I remember being happy, waiting for buses and being happy

But you cheated on me and you asked me to have sex with you and i didnt want to and you wanted to leave but i wanted you so bad i couldnt let you go

But you left anyway and i remember being miserable and i remember you fucked everything up and you made me fuck everything up but also put me first, even if it was to turn down a kiss or screw up a test i didnt want to pass

But you came back, of course you did, and you were dating someone else because of course you were and you still wanted me because of course you did and oh of course i wanted you too but i knew i had feelings then, so i couldnt betray myself like you did but i kept lingering around you waiting for you to change but you never truly did

And then i left and I couldn't move on from him but i felt like i had to and everyone felt like i had to so i made myself move on

I met the third one and oh how i wish i didnt

The second one taught me love was hard but the third one showed me the world wasn't kind and shit happened because shitty people existed

And he was shitty

I was swallowed by him, made small by him, lost friends and lost myself and still my virginity was the only thing i couldnt lose

It took me despair and so much fear to let you go, to push you away, to kick you out of my life

Then, so fast, i tried again, because why not (of course why not)

And he was great but he was allo so he wanted sex and he wanted intimacy and i couldnt give him any of that and god i was lost

I was scared and lonely and i wanted to be held so much

I still do

I used him

And it felt horrible later

But could i have survived if i hadn't?

Would i be alive if i hadn't lived it all?

I don't want to live any more days

Good or bad

Im just tired

My therapist said i should keep going and not resign myself to this feeling but it's so hard when you can barely get out if bed or cry or eat or feel anything besides this crushing feeling of constantly thinking how

how can i leave?

How can i not hurt anyone when i leave?

How can i make sure i cannot be saved?

How can i minimize how much i suffer?

How can i drive myself to the edge of no return?

What can i write that will not burden everyone else so much?

Because

If anyone could have saved me it would have been you but no one could, it was impossible, i'm sorry

[wockerina]

theres this guy his name is “the slut” but some people prefer to call him “munchalicious”

THE SLUT LORE:

he’s 6’ 3, curly jet black hair that’s like down to his neck.. he’s a fashion major although I’ve only ever really seen him in pajama pants. he’s Puerto Rican and white.  he has almond eyes but without the black outline so instead of them being smoky and intimidating like anonymous they’re more doe like and soft and adorable. he never talks in tongues he doesn’t make himself seem more obscure or smart than he actually is. which i appreciate. why waste the few words we are gifted on this planet yk. also because I don’t really believe most men in most scenarios have anything valuable to say.  I don’t like it when people talk to seem smart. usually the smart ones think not talk.. although I can feel in my heart that he’s holding back to an extent. something going on in the back of his head that always keeps him if not physically mentally 6 feet away close enough to engage, but not too much. I have a few guesses of what they could be. I know him and his ex broke up before the fall semester started and the very first week of the fall semester him and I fooled around. i didn’t know they had just broken up give me a break!! in fact I really didn’t even know they were ever together because aside from flirting with him I was also trying to shoot my shot with her.. messyyyy gay antics. messy messy gay antics. and his ex is beautiful and marvelous. kind too. They still are friends in fact best friends. He said his only friends on this campus and her and i. awko taco cause i was just tryna one night stand his ass despite there being no penetration. hmm. anyways we grew closer this semester .. and we have had like three sleepovers now. once again nothing happened. hes a thot! I enjoy his company and I feel like the only real way to keep him around is to not do anything with him. although Anonymous is a better conversationalist and in some moments I catch myself wishing I was with Anonymous instead of him. like when I was at this party the other day, the slut was holding me and I closed my eyes and . I don’t know why . for a second I thought it was Anonymous. I felt really fuzzy inside, so I texted Anonymous saying I wished I was with him instead.

I mean really and truly what’s my issue. like.

it’s not like I’m leading on the slut. because I feel like at one point I did have a crush on him and while he was in my dorm eating he said he planned on giving another girl bouquet of roses and a love letter written on pink paper and it didnt break my heart because the crush wasn’t that real but I was a little sad because uhh im perfect fall in love w me yk. idk. he even said on Valentine’s Day he’s gonna give her a bunch of shit and come over right after. then a few days later his ex DM me asking for my twitter. obviously I am a woman (debatable) too and so if my ex goes from sitting in his dorm 24/7 to going out to parties and constantly being in another dorm I would want to figure out who it is too.. and it’s been four weeks I doubt it took her four weeks to figure it out. actually it has been longer than four weeks, because our “antics” kind of started at the beginning of last semester but not really.. just a one and done. but the end of last semester it “started” (it being us hanging out) (platonically) because I was “using” him to make another guy jealous but honestly he was just using me for company so it was a exchange instead of a using like a trade.

company for company.

anyways

this semester we from closer I guess the baseline level of mutual respect but I’ve heard horror stories from his former girls on how he broke so hard and I don’t want to be the next one to fall in his little trap

IM KFF THE CLOCK BYE GUYSSS CLASS IN AN HOUR

[rawrmeansilyindinosawr]

day 6/7

rose/skyler's writing challenge

day 6 was supposed to b 'a stranger' but i feel like ive written sm ab strangers passing me by n also me being a stranger to others n viewing myself as even a 3rd person party within this strange world so idk if irly feel the need to continue to elaborate on dat. so im skipping it. n day 7 is ..

“an ex crush/bf/gf”

he is young, and he is selfish. he rashly states no one serves him any purpose and i think it is so optimistically nihilistic. he is vague. and thinks he is the reason why i am now fully gay. he jokes that he can read my mind. but we are not friends nor enemies or anything really defined. he makes me feel like im falling behind. as if queerness isnt something we r all collectively experiencing in real time. i was raised to be ashamed of my queerness while he was taught it was an identity to embrace. 24 fucking k. followers on his tiktok because of how hes gay. my transness felt like a shadow bc he initially said he was only t4t but i was "an exception.' how disillusioning in the eye of perception so. forget the way i would bind my chest in fun house like mirror reflections.

he was always and still is perpetually and constantly in a state of love. n its beautiful but dont think he thinks even love is even fully enough.

all the things i write. the poetry and the stupid rhythmic rhymes. i think he asked to feed his ego not rly 2 see my mind. cuz i fucked up and wrote something long when we split and then he thought my long words were dramatically writ. but i write and i write for me. n whats funny is that he thought he knew me within a matter of weeks. he lies he lies he lies but oh he has widened eyes. lies so sweet bc they r not just excuses but things u withhold. to him,this world is new to behold, and to him, this world is his. n i can tell while he sips on tall glasses of beer then turning over my phone to check what time it is.

but i would be lying if i said i didnt still wait by the phone and wish drugs would make me feelsomething similar to when his name would pop up.

he jokes i was an era and a season like summer. but. leaves change and even autumn has passed us by and he makes me feel responsible for the guilt he feels inside. he says i hate him as if its an apology so i end up caring for all of the factoring probabilities. i think to myself that hating him would have made things easier. but i have grown quite exhausted pretending that i have. as if the last few months i had not woken up aching and stupidly fucking sad.

but he doesnt make me feel as good as he did when we first met and thats because things kan never be the same when u try to re do things with an 'ex'

[robotpussy]

oh i knew i was anxious for a reason. he rlly is a 2 timing bitch 😭😭