#this isn't even getting into the everyday life shit. i was supposed to send some files to set up some medical test

[daz4i]

man you ever wanna die just so you don't have to deal with the shit that is real life

[helpimhopelesslyinlove]

I know its ooc for this acc, but i need to vent, or ill do something stupid and potentially dangerous, so im here, baring my soul to stangers on the internet ive never met irl before-

I think I got too close to the sun becuase I feel like I'm in a free fall rn and I can't get a hold of anything and I know I'm about to hit the ground, hard, buti don't know when or how far the ground still is or if I'm even going to land on spill ground because what if I fall into a bunch of rocks and die or fall into the ocean, I never learned to swim properly, I can BARELY keep myself afloat, and I know I'm going to die anyway from how high up I'm falling but I don't know when it's gonna be and everyone keeps telling me that I've got this all I have to do is open the parachute but the cord isn't working my parachute isn't working I don't know what to do some of the people who are supposed to be here for me are sitting on the ground watching me fall with a smile and a bucket of popcorn, the others who would catch me can't because they're all the way across the world, and I don't know what to do but everyone expects me to, I should have my life figured out already, everyone else my age seems to, why can't I, why am I like this why can't I just fly like everyone else why did my wings have to fail so miserably when my support system is down and will take at least two to three years before they're back up I need help someone send help please I need to talk to someone and I can't bc the people who'd want to can't do anything about it and the people who could help are convinced I can do it myself I hat being the oldest daughter and the oldest cousin, why do I have so many people looking up to me as a role model I'm a terrible role model if anything I'm more of a warning Hazzard don't do that sign why do all the adults keep saying I need to be perfect so my little siblings and cousins have a role model why where was my role model because my parents sure as fuck weren't it and they're always saying they didn't raise a quitter, well no shit they didn't raise me I fucking raised myself I'm at a point where I can't even talk about this out loud without crying I litterally had a three hour anxiety attack+mental breakdown and my parents still think I'm perfectly fine why did I have to move everyone's always telling me to believe in God and I have but if not a single thing I needed went right how do I keep believing I don't feel like the sky or the statues are listening anymore and I'm happy they do listen for others and I'm glad other people have a good relationship with their religions and their parents and people in general becuase I feel like crying whenever my favorite teacher used to say I did a good job at an event or said she was proud of me becuae she's said, word for word, many many times "I know it's not my place to tell you, but your parents won't, I know, so I will tell you- I'm so proud of you" and i- thank you you have no idea how much it means to me, but much as I appreciate it, you're not who I need to hear it from and it makes me cry because my culinary teachers were better parents to me in the one year I knew and had them than my parents were my entire like and I don't think that's okay, or that i should feel like crying evrytime I see my friends or anyone having a good relationship with their parents and I can't take this anymore please save me from school I know I used to complain but I've never actually hated it and now just the thought makes me feel sick and I used to love going to school and learning but now I'd litterally have take prometheus' placement eaten alive by vultures everyday than go to school again please help i can't live through another year and a half of this torture please help I can't do this please

[a-hazbin-reader]

Hiii :D I came back to send an other oc :3 hope you don't mind me dropping him to you (I'm the anon with the OC's of Helen and Mia)

Meet benjamin!

Benjamin is your everyday boy back then he had a hardworking father and a step-mother that try her best to be the boy's like mother, Benjamin mother left her husband not feeling her best in the marriage after giving birth to her first child after a month she left the marriage leaving the poor man heartbroken with a baby boy and then meet someone new and now living the best life this fate could give to them one day the step-mother felt she wants to change the mood one night and toke benjamin to one of his favorite place a tavern/clubhouse where this a stage for singers to sing there where also some older kids with them after two songs finish and was getting some break when the happened the kids decided to play hide and seek and invite benjamin to play with them after a while one of the kids decided to explore the backrooms of the stage after successfully getting in they got in a room for singers then finding an old chest all of them tried to get in but it was simply two small for them when it was benjamin turn it fitted him perfectly even getting the chest close on him fully it was all fun and games until hearing a stuff trying to coming in the room suddenly they know they had to hide somewhere everyone found a hide spot benjamin toke the chest spot and close it on him after the staff finally got in everything looked normal looking around little bit before going back all of kids get out of their hiding spot and made a run for it leaving little benjamin stuck inside in the chest all alone, screaming crying out for someone to help him and no one came to help him at the end the security found him too late, the older kids kept quiet to guilty to say anything, the parents feeling absolutely shit about all of this.

Few years (months) pass by benjamin just accepted the he is died and now in heaven, and he knows almost everyone but he would rather to keep his business to himself...but even when you keeping everything to yourself you still can come across something the your supposed not to see, him come by to talk with sere to let him see his parents, but he stop half way instead he hears a voice he recognize that voice then it's hits him it's adam voice decided to hear what he is saying and only understanding some words "hell" and "kill" after that his interest is piqued, he toke a peek only to see angel (he supposed so) armed with whit and black and all shade of gray and them holding weapons after that he see them falling? When he was sure the all of them are gone he got in the room to see a Portal is open and inside it is all red deciding to look closer getting inside the portal was probably the biggest (after)life changer seeing the angels killing the Demons and sinners the Angels didn't notice him instead of going back he came done closer to watch and understand to why he landed in a alley way Thinking he is safe but fate isn't to kind to him...some sinner griping benjamin by his shirt to look him died in the eyes, he didn't understand anything that is coming out of the sinner mouth and when the sinner realized this he pull up his other arm ready to punch the poor thing only to find the sinner whole arm cut up clean off on the floor, noticing the there is numerous shadows around them looking like they are giggling and some of them even getting out of the floor/walls with a big smile on there 'face' one second he was up in the air almost getting punch by a demon and now sitting on the floor frozen up seeing his attacker get swallowed up by the shadows and a sinner cat like woman watching it with a smirk besides him, what he didn't know is in the future the same woman will be the same one he calls his "sister"

-smol PFP for him-

Name: benjamin

Year born: 1920 Death:1932

Animal:Lamb

Death cause: leak of oxygen 

Likes: sweets, bakes, Helen Tavern, any type of music, dancing, garden, story telling, Helen puppet show, any form of art

Dislike: Heaven, being in a small places, the smell of dust/smoke, pranks that is getting to far, dark places, the Exorcists, having to many people stare at him

-

Look:a pale skin tone he has short black fluff hair that is also has white strips form the front hair light brown eyes and innocence face expression 

Outfit: white button shirt along with brown vest and black bow tie and shorts with black boots he almost always found wear a cap around him (he have wings but he hides it)

He's my precious baby now sorry you can't have him back

[sacredglitch]

M, N, T, V??

rubs hands Let's go;

M - If I forgive betrayal.

I'm a very situational person, I love things given context to so I can really put myself into the shoes of it all. But for general sake, I'm gonna say no. I can't. I have had a lot of people come and go in my life and many have been because they've hurt me, and in lasting ways too (dare I say....traumatising ways?). So if I end up hurt in betrayal? I couldn't forgive them. Context would matter of course, but...from current outcomes, it's a no.

N - If you want to know how I treat my friends.

I treat them like family. Honestly, if they're that close to me then they're family. One thing I do wish is that I got it back though. The saying I was raised around was "Treat others how you'd like to be treated" and it's stuck to me now.

But I've also come to learn that other people don't seem to grasp that concept or they abuse that concept. Which I guess wouldn't be wrong in comparison to my family's act sometimes but it isn't how it should be.

T - 5 things I love unconditionally.

Hmm, can't think of five but I can definitely do three. First is definitely my boys, my lil homeslices Bud and Murf (dogs by the by). Everyday there's something new with them whether it be Murf trying to back talk my Ma, or Buddy barking at Murf for stealing his blanket, it's like watching The Odd Couple with them. But I love them so much, they bring a lot of joy into my life just by sitting in front of me and blinking xD.

I suppose another would be the friends that have stuck by me through a lot of shit. They're few and far between and I don't tell them enough I love them but I do, and I appreciate everything and anything they do or say to me. Even if it's just sending me a picture of a racoon with a caption "God gave one look at me and ran away" or some shit I still love it dearly.

The stinky lil men that I've fallen for in fandoms. They're a widespread of personality, looks, even species but the unbridled joy seeing them in media posts or even hearing their VAs or actors in other media makes me so fucking happy. Giddy leg kicks and all, baby!

V - 3 big dreams.

Transitioning. That's the biggest one. I've probably mentioned it before at some point but that's been my big dream, specifically getting top surgery, cause I'm tired of wearing bulky clothes along with a binder to hide my size. I wanna wear open shirts damn it! Alongside going on hormones and finally feeling comfy in existing but top surgery is the big one. Hate that I don't have much of a choice but to go abroad but there's plentiful doctors with amazing top surgery records that have caught my eye. I hope it's sooner rather than later.

I'm conflicted on saying a job, cause in my current state, that's a no bueno for even education but I hope to one day be stable enough for it. And my dream job is...it's a toss between something to do with computers like cyber crime or ethical hacking for business' firewalls and protection and blah, or paramedics. Two vastly different jobs but they've stuck with me for most of my life. They're both (if I take the cyber crime route) jobs I can say "I've done something to help others" instead of letting whatever stop me and waste my time while I'm still kicking. They'll both be something I'll be proud I did.

This is probably the most open I'm ever going to be on tumblr (past me would be shocked but proud it's not DA anymore) but one other dream is to function. I want to be able not to overthink or jump to the worst case for anything in my life. I want to be able to have that deep breath and move on technique work for me and allow me to continue past whatever may have faltered me for a moment. I'm tired of getting upset over the littlest things, tired of thinking I'm disposable (despite much evidence in my past supporting it but the past is the past), tired of not understanding why I can't keep a hold on most things, and just tired of not...meeting what I should be meeting at my age?

There's no one pressuring me, no one hurting me, no one causing any of this but the silly little chemicals in my brain. And, currently, without supports in both friends/family and professional (because thanks HSE for telling me I'm "doing too good for their services") I'm just...not functioning. And it's tiring and irritating and just...

It shouldn't be a dream but it is. And that's one I'm striving for the most to happen ASAP. Because I can't deal with the lack of functionality I have anymore.

The list did say brutal honesty and damn did I get brutally honest at the end.

Anywho-

[i-cant-sing]

Hey, hypothetically asking: Is there a way for me to stop feeling emotions? I mean... having them is kinda hurting me at times. I usually have trouble expressing myself but then I stumbled across your blog and I decided to give it a shot. I'm really sorry if I'm bothering you with this, I just need to vent feelings to someone. My school's adding so much of stress in my life for me, I keep having test after test and I guess I'm scared that I'll be a failure if I fail. And on top of that, I barely get 4 hours of sleep everyday because of all the extensive notes I always keep writing and we keep getting various projects. Oh, and I guess you could say that I'm also kind of a loner? I also don't know why it's so hard for me to love someone either platonically or romantically. I guess it's because I'll never be good enough and I might be scared of attachment. I might have philophobia the fear of love but at the same time, I'm also scared of being alone. Wow, isn't that ironic? Sometimes I feel like the pain in my chest is getting too heavy, I feel like giving up... but then the only things that's keeping me sane are the fics that I write everyday. And another ironic thing: I keep giving people advice on things like not giving up on life and having faith that things will get better but I'm not so great at following my own advice. Then again, no one ever is

Sorry I dumped my feelings on you, I know some people might think I'm being over dramatic and making a big mountain out of a mole hill or I could be an attention seeker. But after writing this, I kinda feel half better and once again, damn... this thing was really long

This feels like my past self sent this to me lol. Anyways, anon I'm not really great at giving advice, and I'm not really good at expressing emotions either, and I'm 20 and in college, so I haven't got my shit figured out yet.

Look I know how stressful school and exams can become, and believe me, the older you grow, you're gonna have other kinds of stressful problems. But... I suppose the way I've dealt with pretty much any difficult situation, especially during exam season, is to talk to myself. And it honestly helps me figure out a lot of things in life, and also helps give myself reality checks and realise when I'm in the wrong. It's also very entertaining too. So, be your own therapist, your own motivator.

You know, I once failed a really big, important test- actually 3 exams. But even at that time, while I was sitting in the dark, listening to Renegade by Styx, I told myself: "This too shall pass." That no matter how bad things seem, bad situations don't last forever.

Now, worrying and stressing over your studies/school won't do anything. Whenever I feel like I'm about to breakdown, I clap my hands and then focus on palms, take deep breaths and tell myself "I got this." But as students we are bound to be burnout, so I recommend listening to music in the dark, taking a walk, or even reading some short story or something. We all need a little escape from reality, that's why fiction is my favourite genre.

I highly recommend that you take some days off from school or at least a break from studying, because in the longterm you'll study more this way. You may think that you would fall behind like this, say maybe by 20%? But you'd still be 80% prepared, and that's way better than not taking a break and falling behind by 30%.

You sound like a teen and let me tell you girl, you can literally do nothing to stop yourself from embarrassing yourself. Nothing. I cringe everytime I go to my Facebook and see the kind of teen I used to be🤮🤮🤮 I'm not like that anymore 😭 But important thing to remember is that everyone else is also constantly worried about embarrassing themselves, so they probably don't even remember what stupid thing you did.

Man just chill out a bit, like physically tell yourself to chill out when things start piling up. Like take a nap, listen to music, read some fics then get back to studying. Worry about relationships later, you got your whole life for that. Don't worry about what others are thinking, just focus on yourself.

U said u write fics? Anon, send the link🔪

[bumblesimagines]

Lie

Request: Yes or No

I heard you told your friends that I'm just not your type

If that's how you really feel, then why'd you call last night?

You say all I ever do is just control your life

But how you gonna lie like that, how you gonna lie like that?

"Yeah, nah, man. (Y/N) is dope, but he's just not my type, ya know? I think I was just.. Experimenting with what I like." Chuck explained to his friends. (Y/N) played with his lighter, flickering it on and off as an amused smile tugged at his lips. He pretended not to listen, headphones in but music low.

"I hope we can stay friends cause he's the chillest guy I know." He finally brought the lighter up to his cigarette, lighting it and flicking it off.

"He was kind of.. Controlling in a way? Not possessive or toxic. You know how chicks get when they think you're cheating? Like that." (Y/N) almost snorted but held it back. He pulled the cigarette away from his lips and stood up from the bench, passing by the guys without a glance.

Yeah, I heard you said I ain't the type for you

I don't regret it though, I learned from it

They should have you locked up for all the time you stole from us (Woo)

Took you out when I had no money

Only person that you ever cared about was you, that's why it's so funny

(Y/N) didn't have much of reaction when news spread of his and Chuck's breakup. He found it a bit amusing. Chuck tried to make people feel bad for him but at the same time make (Y/N) look good as well. Maybe from guilt or to keep (Y/N) as a just in case. He knew there was good inside of Chuck but he didn't expect much from the relationship. He tried to make it work but you can only try so much before giving up. The only thing (Y/N) really regretted was the time wasted on an empty relationship.

You want somebody that'll keep you warm at night

Then, tell me, why you actin' cold to me?

You ain't the only one to blame, no, I'm the one that made you rich

When I bought every lie you sold to me

Yeah, heard you threw away the pictures

But you still got the memories of us

So I guess I don't really make a difference

After the playbook, nobody really wanted to be friends with Chuck. So, when (Y/N) showed slight interest, Chuck pounced at it. Though, it seemed to have been a waste of time since he deleted all their pictures off social media. (Y/N) knew there was a romance, a spark, between Josie and Chuck. But Chuck assured (Y/N) that they were just friends. (Y/N) tried to believe him but at the end, he knew it was a lie.

Flippin' through 'em in your head

Got you texting me all hours of the night

Yeah, you told me that you needed distance

What's the deal with you?

You say you want a man that keeps it real

Then why you mad when I get real with you?

You want someone to pay the bills for you

Went from feelin' you, now I feel for you, liar

(Y/N) had to put his phone on mute thanks to Chuck. If he didn't, he'd be up all night hearing the nofications from Chuck and his texts. Crazy how Chuck wanted distance yet he was the one trying to stay close. (Y/N) had started to like Chuck, mostly going out with him out of pity, but that changed a few months into the relationship. People had started warming up to him again and (Y/N) quickly realized that he was just a tool to get on everyone's good side again. It was annoying.

I heard you told your friends that I'm just not your type

If that's how you really feel, then why'd you call last night?

You say all I ever do is just control your life

But how you gonna lie like that, how you gonna lie like that?

"Hey, (N/N), how's everything going?" Betty asked, nimbling on her bottom lip as she watched him. He furrowed his brows.

"Good, why wouldn't it be?" He questioned.

"Because of the breakup?" It was Betty's turn to be confused. (Y/N) blinked and nodded.

"Oh, right, yeah." He nodded, giving a sheepish smile. "I've got a lot on my mind. I'm actually sketching out a new idea." Betty smiled.

"Really? That's good. At least you've got your mind off Chuck."

"I've been through breakups before, Elle Woods. Chuck is the last thing on my mind, but thanks for worrying. Honestly... He's not really my type."

Look, let me guess, you want to stay friends?

Tellin' people that's how we been?

Tellin' everybody, yeah, that we was barely speakin'

Ah, that's kinda funny, why'd you call me every day then?

It's immaturity, you goin' off the deep end

"I'm glad you and Chuck are still friends."

"Friends?" (Y/N) repeated Ginger's words. "We don't talk. At all." That was kind of a lie. Chuck called and texted everyday but (Y/N) barely replied. (Y/N) shook his head, sighing. He spotted the jock and sent him a text, straying away from his friends. Chuck jogged over, flashing his charming smile.

"What's up?"

"First of all, can you not blow up my phone? Second of all, quit lying. We don't talk and we aren't friends." Chuck frowned at his words.

"What are we?"

"Acquaintances? Exes? Strangers? Take your pick but this isn't friendship." (Y/N) rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

You just want somebody you can chill and get some drinks with, cool

Then don't hit me on the weekend

Tellin' me you missed the way we talked and how I listen, yeah

Why you playin' with my mind, huh?

Why you playin' with my time, huh?

"Listen, (N/N), why don't we talk about this at Pop's? Like we used to. I wanna be friends with you again."

"No, Chuck. I'm tired of.. Of you." (Y/N) confessed. "You got brownie points from everyone, congrats, but can you leave me alone now? I know I sound like a dick but you're wasting my time. Either be my ex or be a stranger, I don't care which. Go find Josie or Moose to keep you company."

"No, baby-" (Y/N) rolled his eyes again at the pet name. "We aren't together anymore, you can stop pretending to like me, Chuck."

Told me, "We should let it go and put it all behind us"

That's what I did, now you askin' me what I done, I was

Waitin' for this day, I saw it comin'

I think you just like attention, tryna tell me all your problems

I got issues of my own, I ain't got time for all this drama

You told me that you don't really wanna talk—then why you callin', huh?

"Let's put the past behind us-"

"I did but it seems like you can't." (Y/N) took out his cigarette pack, glancing at a disapproving Chuck.

"I'm just trying to fit in again, (N/N). I haven't figured out what I want in school yet." Chuck watched as (Y/N) raised the rolled up blunt to his lips.

"You have problems, I have problems, we should just fix them on our own with different people, Chuck." (Y/N) said, glad school had been long over or else he would've definitely been caught and suspended.

"Fine, if you don't wanna talk, we won't talk."

"Good, don't call or text me about anything other than school, aight?" (Y/N) spun around on his heel and went back to Ginger and Tina.

I heard you told your friends that I'm just not your type

If that's how you really feel, then why'd you call last night?

You say all I ever do is just control your life

But how you gonna lie like that, how you gonna lie like that?

(Y/N) grinned, shaking the spray can as he stared up at his finished masterpiece. He was glad Keller let him do art around the town as long as it wasn't offensive. (Y/N) took out a cigarette and lighter, trying to light it but he had run out of fuel. He huffed and pouted until a muscular arm moved around him and lit the cigarette.

"Thanks." He mumbled, looking at the curly haired male.

"You did that?" He asked, taking a seat beside the older teen. (Y/N) nodded.

"It's dope, shit looks professional." (Y/N) chuckled, eyeing the man.

"Yeah, I got inspired by an 'ex', I guess." He looked back at the art on the wall.

"You go to that high school nearby, right?" The man questioned, motioning to the Riverdale sticker on his bag. (Y/N) nodded. The man hummed.

"I suppose that shithole has some talented kids, the rest are nosy fuckers."

"You've hit the nail on the head, my friend." (Y/N) grinned, tossing the spray can off to the side.

How you gonna lie, how you gonna lie like that?

Baby, how you gonna lie, how you gonna lie like that?

How you gonna lie, baby, how you gonna lie like that?

No, no, how you gonna lie like that?

"Back onto this 'ex' of yours, what's the story?"

"He got into a bit of trouble with the school, everyone hated him for a while so he got with me to earn brownie points and then broke up with me. He's an annoying little shit though." (Y/N) told him, shrugging lightly.

"Those types are the worst. Bring out the worst in you." The man said, leaning against the wall. (Y/N) looked at him, admiring his handsome features.

"You don't look like someone from the Northside. So, what brings you here?"

"Wanted to wreck havoc but got caught up with the artistic babe." He replied smoothly. (Y/N) smiled, shaking his head.

"You've got fuckboy written all over you." (Y/N) cooed, ignoring the buzzing of his phone. "Plus, I don't even know your name, sir."

I heard you told your friends that I'm just not your type

(Baby, how you gonna lie like that? No, no)

If that's how you really feel, then why'd you call last night?

(Tell me how you 'bout to lie like that)

You say all I ever do is just control your life

(No, no, no)

But how you gonna lie like that, how you gonna lie like that?

(Oh, yeah)

"Malachai, and yours?"

"(Y/N)." (Y/N) replied, taking out his phone and seeing the texts from chuck. He rolled his eyes, muting his contact before putting his phone away.

"Will I see you again, Malachai?" (Y/N) asked with a grin. Malachai nodded, eyes looking him over again.

"Definitely." He purred in return, sending him a wink before walking to his car.

Tell me how you 'bout to lie like that

Tell me how you 'bout to lie like—

Yeah, yeah, hey

[justanotherlifeff]

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm and other triggering stuff.

No one's POV

"Squad leader (Y/N)! The scouts are back! They retook wall Maria!", (Y/N) was woken by Diana's excited yelling. She barged into Levi's room, mud all over her shoes. (Y/N) woke up with a jolt and noticed it. "Levi will be pissed..." she thought but she didn't say anything to Diana. This wasn't the time for it. She knew that she had to see if Levi and Erwin returned safely or not. "Diana, saddle my horse. Fast" (Y/N) commanded Diana as she went to the bathroom to change out of her nightgown. She didn't take long to change and when she was done, she immediately ran for the stable, her heart fluttering with joy. They are back. They are successful. They are one step ahead for humanity's victory.

When (Y/N) reached the stable, Diana was done saddling the horse and (Y/N) immediately got on it and galloped for the walls. The fluttering feeling in her heart turned into an uncomfortable clench when she reached the wall. An elevator with nine people was coming down. An elevator can hold about twenty people. "Was that all the people who survived?" she thought, the uncomfortable feeling in her stomach increasing. The lift seemed to come down for eternity. "Are they dead?" (Y/N)'s mind whispered to herself. She had no idea what she would do without Levi. Without Erwin, her only family left. When the lift came down finally, (Y/N) felt like her heart stopped. At the front was Hanji, her eye bandaged. Behind her was Levi. (Y/N)'s eyes widened at the sight.

"No... This isn't happening..." her mind shouted. Levi noticed her on her horse and bowed his head. "He didn't protect Erwin..." (Y/N)'s mind whispered at her. Out of instinct, (Y/N) turned her horse and galloped towards the Survey corps headquarter, not stopping even when Levi shouted, "(Y/N)! Wait!" loudly.

(Y/N) went straight into Levi's office. She needed to know how Erwin died. She needed to know if Levi tried his best to save him. After what seemed like a lifetime later, Levi entered his office to find (Y/N) sitting on one of the chairs in front of his desk. "How did it happen?" (Y/N) asked him in a quiet voice. Her face scared Levi. It was what he saw the day he first met (Y/N). Emotionless and cold. There were no tears in (Y/N)'s eyes. She almost looked like she was tired, like she was bored. Levi didn't know how to explain everything to her. He was never too good at explaining anyway.

With a sigh, he said, "Both Erwin and Armin were seriously injured. I had to use the titan serum on one of them and I decided that it was time for Erwin to rest.". "So, you killed him..." (Y/N) stated, her voice showing...nothing. No anger, no regret, no sadness. Her voice was like of a dead person, void of any human emotion. "(Y/N), I had good reason to..." Levi tried to explain but (Y/N) held her hand up, signalling him to stop. "I don't want to hear anything you have to say." she said before walking towards the door. "Don't try to follow me. I don't want to see your face again." she told him, not bothering to look at him before walking out of the office.

(Y/N) felt numb. Memories of Erwin and Levi making promises shot through her mind. "How many times will I lose everything dear to me?" she thought. To her, life seemed more meaningless than ever. She walked towards her office. Yes, she had her own office but she preferred to work with Levi. She felt lonely doing all the work alone. Ironically, loneliness was all she had now. She took a pen and paper and wrote a letter.

"Ms Hanji Zoe

Commander

Survey corps

Subject: Resignation letter

Dear Hanji,

Please accept this letter as my formal resignation from the position as squad leader of the Survey corps, effective from whenever you get the letter.

I appreciate the opportunity of growth and development you have provided me.

Sincerely,

(Y/N) (L/N)"

This was it. She knew she had to run from this life. Being in the Survey corps meant she had to witness the death of loved ones again. She had to face Levi again. (Y/N) walked towards Erwin's office. "I will never see him sitting in there again" her mind whispered to her. She opened the door to find an empty room. "Hanji didn't move in yet.." she assumed. Memories of when she was chosen as squad leader, when she asked him to walk the aisle with her on her wedding passed her mind. The wedding would never happen now. She remembered the ring in her finger. "Should I leave it with the letter?" she thought, not being able to make up her mind. At the end she decided to keep it.

As a symbol of her old memories of a Levi she knew she loved. (Y/N) placed the letter on the desk and went out of the office, out of the headquarters. She didn't take her horse or her possessions, she didn't have the time to. She walked towards the place where she made the decision of joining the Survey corps. To the orphanage.

(Y/N) POV

I knocked on the door of the orphanage and the matron opened the door. Seemed like the news of Uncle Erwin's death spreaded like wild fire since the first thing the matron did was hug me and say, "Oh (Y/N) dear! I'm so sorry...". "Ms Winkler (the matron's name), can I stay here for a few days? Till I get my own house?" I asked her calmly. "Your own house? Aren't you getting married soon?" she asked me, confused. "I'm afraid the wedding won't take place. After what he did..." I sighed. "My dear, I don't know what the captain did but you rejecting him means it must be something horrid. You're welcome to stay here for as long as you want. I'm getting old, so a bit of help is always welcomed." Ms Winkler smiled as she took me in.

Ms Winkler showed me my room a while back. I sat on the bed, trying to remain calm but I felt restless. The depth of the situation was finally hitting me. Uncle Erwin is dead. I left Levi. I left the Survey corps. I have absolutely nothing left to live for. I felt emotionally unstable. I felt all energy from my body being drained. "I can't take this anymore. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts..." my mind was screaming.

I walked to the bathroom. Conveniently, there was a blade there. I had to cut myself. Drown my sorrows by causing external pain. Just before the blade touched my skin, I remembered that I wasn't alone. I still had my child. "I'm sorry honey... I completely forgot about you... I'm so sorry I almost hurt you..." I whispered to my stomach, which bulged a bit now. I caressed it a bit as I sat on the bathroom floor, whispering sorry as tears streamed down my face. I have to take on all the pain the world throws at me. I have to make sure my child gets a happy life.

A week later

"(Y/N), you need to eat properly... You're eating like a mouse, dear... Both the baby and you needs the food..." Ms Winkler tried to convince me to eat. I honestly tried my best to eat as much as I can but I had no appetite. After the happenings of last week, nothing felt good. I slept for two days, eating a few bites of bread whenever Ms Winkler got it to me. She was worried about my and my child's health and even if I was grateful that she was making the effort, I just couldn't eat. My sleep schedule was all over the place too as my nightmares came back.

It's been a while since I've been having nightmares every night. Being with Levi helped but now... There's nothing I could do about it. I've been helping Ms Winkler with her household duties, looking after the other kids, and keeping myself as busy as possible to forget the events of last week. Hanji didn't send me an approval of the resignation letter yet and I thought about going to the Survey corps headquarter to make sure if she got the letter or not but later decided against it as there was a chance of running into Levi there.

I still didn't know why he decided to let Erwin die but I decided that it's best if I don't know as the truth on it might only be more hurtful. I rented a house last day too, where I was supposed to move in to next week. The owner, a lovely old lady, was really understanding of my situation. I was peeling some potatoes in the kitchen when Ms Winkler came into the kitchen and told me, "(Y/N), someone is here to see you."

Levi POV

It had been a week since (Y/N) left. I understood why she did it. What I did was unforgivable. However, I couldn't keep any regrets, right? My sleep schedule had been shit for the last week, the insomnia returned, as well as the nightmares. All I did everyday was bury myself with paperwork, clean any place with a speck of dirt and drink to some extent at night. My good alcohol tolerance didn't help at all. At least that kept my mind off things... Apparantly everyone was surprised when I cleaned the stable by myself two days back. I couldn't blame them because I made cadets do things like that since I became a squad leader. I was working on paperwork when Hanji entered the room.

"What do you want shitty glasses" I asked in a stoic expression, not looking up from the paperwork. "Oi, I'm the commander now. At least give some respect..." Hanji teased, trying to make me talk. She had been doing these for a while as I haven't talked to anyone much since last week. There just was too much on my mind and the amount of paperwork was intense. "It's been a week since she gave that resignation letter. What are you planning to do about it?" Hanji asked me. Yes, she wanted to leave the Survey corps. Because of me. It was all over wasn't it? "Aren't you in charge of writing the approval letter?" I asked, restricting any emotions in my voice.

"Levi, stop acting like you don’t feel anything. Before her commander, I'm her friend and I know that you want her to be happy as much as I do. You need to go and explain why you made that shitty decision. At least try to get her back." Hanji told me, her voice sounding angry. "I tried to tell her. She didn't want to listen" I answered. Hanji looked at me like I am horse shit.

"You went up to her and told her that you made the decision to kill Erwin. It's obvious that she wouldn't want to listen to you. And you stopped trying because of that one time? I honestly had better expectations from you, Levi." she told me, getting angrier. "What am I supposed to tell her? That I don't regret making that decision? You think she will like hearing that?" I asked Hanji, frustrated. She was right, I should've tried harder, but, how?

"But you do regret it don't you? Even if it probably was necessary according to you?" Hanji asked, in a soft tone. "I'm not supposed to regret it... Erwin said.." I was interjected by Hanji, who simply said, "Erwin regretted not being able to see what's in the basement, didn't he? Thus you had to make the decision for him and he had to die. Sure, the downfall was big but it caused one of our biggest victories didn't it? We know so much now... I suppose, regretting might give some good results too, doesn't it?" she explained. I was silent. She was right. I regretted my decision.

However, it had to be done. I had to explain everything to (Y/N) and leave the decision to her. "Levi, let's not delay things more. I got news that (Y/N) is staying at an orphanage nearby. Let's go together and convince her to talk to you. As a friend, I want her happy and as a commander, she is a huge asset to the survey corps, given that now we only have 9 survivors from the last mission. I'll tell someone to saddle our horses." she told be before getting up and going out of my room. I didn't feel as nervous as I feel now when I proposed (Y/N)...

It took a while for me to arrange all the paperwork I was working on into neat piles before going to the stable. Hanji was already there, on her horse. Diana, (Y/N)'s second in command was standing there. She probably was the one to saddle the horses. "Commander Hanji, when will squad leader (Y/N) return from vacation?" I heard her asking Hanji. Yes, the survey corps members and other higher ups were told that (Y/N) was on vacation as she needed some time alone due to Erwin's death, and not to talk about it to the press. The only people who knew about the resignation letter were myself and Hanji. "Well, we are going to talk to her about that now." Hanji smiled at Diana, who saluted me as I arrived near them. I motioned her to be at ease as I got on my horse. With that, we galloped towards the orphanage she was in.

We reached there in a few minutes as it was pretty close. "I'll go inside and talk to (Y/N) first. I'll call you when I have convinced her to talk to you. I have a feeling that she will refuse to talk to you at first." Hanji explained. I nodded as a reply. It was depressing to think that (Y/N) would refuse to talk to me. I got down from my horse to find a few kids staring at me and the horses. "Oi brats, you know where the stable is?" I asked them. One of them, possibly the leader, a small brunette kid, walked up to me and said, "I'd tell you if you were nice to me." with a pout.

"Listen, brat, I am being nice. I'm not in much of a good mood now, so don't give me this bullshit. Where's the stable?" I asked the kid in my monotone voice. "Mhhm, I won't tell you unless you're nice." she pouted. "Kid, don't expect every single stranger to sweet talk to you." I sighed. Kids were annoying. "Well, Ms (L/N) was a stranger. She was nice to us." the girl told me. "She was? Well, Ms (L/N) is a nice person. I on the other hand am a piece of shit who made her sad." I sighed, my expression showing some sadness even if I tried to hide it. The girl looked at me for a moment before saying, "The stable is in the backyard. Follow me.".

I followed the girl, the group of kids followed me. "You're captain Levi right?" the girl asked. "Yes. I am." I answered, as I walked with the horses. "How did you make Ms (L/N) sad?" she asked me. "Well, as you know, the commander of the survey corps is dead right? I had a lot of things to do with it. The commander was Ms (L/N)'s uncle and... You know how that works." I explained. "So you're here to talk to her?" the girl asked.

"Yeah" I answered as I got the horses in the stable. "You know, she won't be happy if you keep using your potty mouth. If you're nice to her, she will listen." the girl advised. I was surprised that a 10 year old was advising me about how I should talk to (Y/N). However, she wasn't entirely wrong. I only had a chance if I calmly explained everything one by one. "You're right, kid." I answered as I closed the stable door. "Oi, what's your name?" I asked the girl. "Stella." she answered as Hanji came out. "I figured you'd be near the stable. (Y/N) agreed to talk. Let's go." she said. "Best of luck out there. You need it." Stella told me with a smile.

(Y/N) POV

"Hanji?" I was surprised to see her here. I honestly thought she will just send an approval letter. "(Y/N), we need to talk." she told me. "I'll give you two some privacy" Ms Winkler said before getting out of the room. "I expected you to send an approval letter..." I started but Hanji interjected. "(Y/N), both you and Levi are my best friends. I want both of you to be happy. What you two are doing right now isn't gonna make either of you happy." she went straight to business. "Hanji, I'm happy this way. I don't want him in my life." I told her.

"Don't try to trick me, (Y/N). You're as thin as a scarecrow. I could tell you can't eat properly. Don't be so selfish (Y/N). We both know that you're not happy. Do you think your child will be okay without any explanation of why you left his or her father? You can't deny your child of his or her father just because you are angry." Hanji told me. "There is an explanation, Hanji. He decided to let Uncle Erwin die. He chose some Cadet over Uncle Erwin." I was interjected again.

"(Y/N), you weren't there when it happened. I saw the whole thing and I don't blame him. I don't know what he was thinking but I witnessed everything. He was going to give Erwin the injection. He was almost killed by Mikasa in the process. Eren begged him like his life depended on it. He ignored every one of them. I saw from far away that he almost pushed the needle in Erwin's hand but then Erwin shot his hand up, away from the needle and said something to Levi. That's when Levi gave the injection to Armin. I think, it was something that Erwin said that changed Levi's mind. Trust me, he wanted to save Erwin but I don't think Erwin wanted to be saved. If anyone broke a promise, it was Erwin. Not Levi." Hanji explained to me what she saw.

Was I blaming Levi for nothing then? What did Uncle Erwin say to him? "Levi hasn't been sleeping for the last week and he honestly looks as old as his age now. I don't want any of you two to suffer. Please, at least talk to him about it. Let him explain." Hanji told me in a serious tone. "Okay. I will talk to him." I sighed. If Hanji is right, I probably am making a big mistake by leaving him. I just had to make sure. "Ah, great! I will get Levi here in a minute. He's right outside!" Hanji said happily before skipping outside. That crazy woman is always prepared...

After a long minute, Levi entered the room. Hanji wasn't kidding when she said that Levi looks older. He had eye bags and looked like he had a bad case of a hangover. How much has he been drinking? I've never seen him having a hangover... Even after all that, he still managed to look almost as good as usual. "So, explain" I told him as he sat on the chair beside me. We were sitting at the dining room. "I decided that I will tell you everything from the beginning. After that, you're free to make any decision that you see fit." Levi told me. He looked like a defeated man, like he lost everything dear to him. "Okay" I replied before he started.

"We were losing the battle. The beast titan was throwing boulders at us, cornering us. If we were to wait longer, everyone would've died. We were in the inner walls of wall Maria. My squad and Hanji's squad was in Shiganshina. The colossal titan was coming towards us from Shiganshina. Eren was unconscious on top of the wall. Everything spelt defeat. I proposed Erwin that I would sacrifice myself so that he and the others could ride Eren and escape. It was a botched up plan anyway. Erwin then told me that he had a plan which included him and every other soldier in the inner wall to charge at the beast titan, making themselves potential targets. They would shoot flares at the beast, distracting him and I would use the line of titans next to him to get to him.

Erwin wanted to see what's in the basement and to attend the wedding. He wasn't willing to make the decision. I, at that time, decided that humanity's victory is more important because I wanted you and our child safe. Even if you leave me for it. I made the decision for him and he told me to take care of you two. The plan was a success. I got the beast titan but I hoped that Erwin was alive. I didn't kill the beast titan so that Erwin could turn into a titan and eat him. I was wrong, and the cart titan took the beast titan and ran off. He commanded his titan army to kill me but I killed the titan army as fast as possible before following the beast.

I found him talking to Eren but he saw me and ran again. My gas was finished when I reached Eren. There, I found that Armin was almost burnt to death. He defeated the colossal titan earlier by sacrificing himself. Berthold was captured by Eren. Eren told me to use the serum on Armin. I hesitated because there still was a chance that Erwin might be alive and I was right. Erwin was badly injured and dying. I made the most obvious decision, which was to save Erwin. That's when Eren started begging. Mikasa shot at me with her sword when I hit Eren to get him out of the way. I just... Felt weak.

Who was I to choose that their best friend, a person who was almost like a brother to them, should die? Even after all that, I knew that I had to save Erwin because I promised you that I will keep him safe. Hanji came later and took Mikasa off me, explained them that it has to be Erwin. That's when Eren mentioned how Armin wanted to see the ocean. I realized that both Erwin and Armin had dreams that made them go on. I still decided to bring Erwin back to life. Just as I was about to push the needle in his hand, he shot his hand up and muttered with his dying breath, "Teacher... How'd y... find out that they don't exist?". I remembered something that Kenny said at that time. That everyone has to be drunk on something in order to live.

It matched with something Erwin told me earlier, that he wanted to die many times but it was the mystery of the basement that kept him alive. If he knew what was inside the basement, he probably wouldn't want to be alive like this anymore. And, that would be a loss for humanity nonetheless. Armin on the other hand had goals that was far from reach. I made the decision that felt would be best for humanity and the safety of you two. On the view point of a captain, I have no regrets, but, in a personal view point, I regret this decision and will continue to do so all my life." he explained.

For once, I think I understood why he did it. "Levi, I understand why you did it. I think I will forgive you too, but, give me some time. I need to think it all over, and convince my mind to forgive you. It really wasn't your fault but I lost someone dear to me. I just, need some space till we get married." I replied. "You... You won't leave me? We are still getting married?" Levi asked, his voice and face showing surprise. "Yes. I won't leave you and we will get married on the date we fixed. However, I want to stay alone till that day. I need to give myself the time to forgive you." I explained.

"(Y/N), thank you so much for reconsidering... I don't deserve to be forgiven. I'm sorry..." Levi muttered. "It's okay Levi. By the way, how much are you drinking?" I asked him. "Oh, just every night." he answered with a smile. "Don't drink that much. It's bad for you. You look older." I told him. "Okay. I wont." he told me, holding my hand. I didn't know what came upon me because I got up and hugged him. He was still sitting down, his head was on my chest. "I'm so sorry.." he muttered. "It's okay. We will be okay." I told him, caressing his hair. He hugged be back in a few moments and I knew that I would never regret this decision of not leaving him.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: (Y/N) WILL GET MARRIED IN THE NEXT CHAPTER! Sorry, I might have mentioned in chapter 18 that (Y/N) will have her kid after 6-7 chapters but I decided to give the characters a bit more development before going into that. So, (Y/N) won't have her kid in a few more chapters.]

To be continued...

Taglist: @reality-is-often-disappointing, @kingtamakimurder

[snugglebuddyhan]

Opened up and told my counselor about my sexual assault. Was in tears and was struggling to speak and she stopped me to take a phone call from her son who needed a ride to the gym

Told her I have trouble connecting with people on an emotional level, which causes me to have a lack of sympathy and empathy, which also causes me to get aggravated when people expect me to help or respond to whatever it may be they are going through, bc I don't understand and she told me "oh, you're selfish" which isn't true, bc a selfish person wouldnt have brought it up, said they want to be able to be there for people and asked if they have an illness or condition thats making or contributing to them being like this, bc they werent always like that. I started feeling this disconnect around the time my mental health as a whole started to go further downhill, so it only makes sense to think it's connected to something

Told her about my depression and how there are days I spend all day thinking about suicide and the many ways it's possible for me to do it and she printed out 3 sheets of affirmations I'm supposed to tell myself in the mirror everyday, bc according to her not liking myself is apparently the root to my depression, which is so far from the truth. If saying things like "I love myself" worked I wouldn't have been there. I don't know what type of power people think stuff like this holds, but it does absolutely nothing to a depressed mind, but make you realize how dumb you look in the mirror

Told her about my anxiety and how my own mom and stepdad, the people I'm the closest to can trigger an anxiety attack and she said it's a learned behavior meaning I'm apparently on some monkey see monkey do shit, which is just????

She kept telling me most of the problems I have are brought on by trauma from childhood and she mentioned that several times meaning she's heavily implying I was abused by my parents. They never laid hands on me and neither did anyone else. My childhood was sunshine and rainbows. My assault happened when I was 17 and a majority of my problems were already affectting me then, so I don't appreciate how persistent she was about the matter

I brought up a few more things. Important things and she listened, but didn't type any of it in her computer or discuss any of it with me meaning to her it wasn't important enough to document although these things are affecting my quality of life and are definitely some type of mental problem, which is the whole reason I was there in the first place. What she deems important doesnt matter. She's not my phycatrist. Thats for them to determine not her. This why I never bothered trying to get help. I was fighting not to go off on her the entire time. Honestly, if it werent for my anxiety I probably would have. Her being in her 70's was the first red flag and if that makes me ageist then so be it. I don't particularly want someone who has death beating their door down responsibile for me and especially my mental health

I think I'm more upset about her taking a phone call while we were discussing something traumatic to me. I can't tell you how hard it was to even make myself bring it up much less talk about it in detail. Idc if the phone call wasn't that long. It's disrespectful to the patient to be put second during a time they come first and on top of that instead of letting me speak and express how my assault made me feel she kept acting as if she knew what I was going through and it was pissing me off. She kept telling me how humiliated and ashamed I must have been, especially since I never told anyone and that's once again, not true. If I never said that then there's no reason for anyone to imply it or bring it up. I'm neither of those

What I am is angry he was able to move on like nothing happened. I'm angry he continued to come over. I'm angry my mom allowed him to come over and would spend hours talking to him after I told her what happened. I'm angry how his presence would send me into fight or flight mode or would have me hiding somewhere in the house crying with a heartbeat so loud and fast it hurt. I'm angry he has a gf and a baby that have no idea hes not only a rapist, but a pedophile.

I'm for the lack of a better word, sexually broken. I had urges, fantasies and desires, but ever since that happened to me or more like, when I finally came to the realization that I was assaulted something in me shifted. I've been asexual since. He did that to me. The thought of sex makes me physically ill to the point I can gag or even send myself into a small crying spell. Things and smells that remind me of him are triggers to memories I'd rather not relive and can send me into a spiral. I never brought it up, bc I didn't want anyone to know, but not for the reasons she insisted. I just didn't want to have to talk about it knowing how it'd make me feel

I've never gotten help or closure and it's something I carry around with me and I finally thought this place was going to help me lift the weight off my shoulders. It was an emotional moment for me and while crying I'm put on the back burner so she can take a phone call from her son??? What kind of fuckery? She made me and my experience feel unimportant. I won't ever forget how I felt that day and I will be requesting someone new

The ONLY thing she did that made me feel seen and heard was her immediately calling my mom once we left and insist we reschedule a sooner date. My mom told me she was speaking really fast and had obvious concern in her voice. She kept asking if I was safe and regardless what my mom told her she still kept fighting to get her to reschedule. I'm assuming my talk about self harm (blows to the head several times a day), suicide, how I think about killing myself everyday and how the voice (my own) in my head tells me to get the gun from my moms room and end it got through to her. I told her repeatedly I'm not going to kill myself. If I did I would have done it a long time ago, but it can be hard to just take someone's word, so I get the concern for me to be diagnosed and treated asap. It actually made me emotional how much she seemed to care that I stay alive, but I'm still requesting someone new,  bc if she did this once she'll do it again