#this might legit be the most stressed ive been in my life

[zhuhongs]

hhhhh so im on a ridiculously long ride home and just my phone so tumblr diary entry time lol. if you have my instagram this will make more sense but yk. anyways. so yesterday was the last day of the semester and i was tbh pretty normal abt it. but leading up to it i was a mess and tbh i think my stomach issues actually came more from the stress of knowing im leaving but the alcohol seemed plausible enough an explanation so i ran with it. but nah i was just. hhhh overwhelmed. bc anytime i was out with ppl it disappeared and as soon i was alone and not busy i was like. oh theres the stomach pain. LOL. but yea. so i decided my going away present to everyone would be a drawing of them plus a message bc like. i always said i liked art but never rlly showed my classmates my art so i was like. welp lets go out with a bang. and it felt good bc i really wanted to do smth like this sooner. my initial plan to make a good impression was to print stickers of my art and put my IG on it and get close to ppl that way. but i was just far too stressed and thought itd be weird. so i just. Didnt. and i regret not putting in enough effort at the beginning. but i also feel like its okay, especially given my upbringing. i needed that time to myself to figure it out, and now i really know that i can just. talk to ppl. and not be afraid. bc the ppl i got closest to were the one i swore would judge me most bc of my own preconceived notions, but i told the the parts of me i hid the most and they accepted it. and could at least sympathize and actually relate and i just. why was i so silly. why was i so mean to myself to be convinced that i was so unacceptable that no one except for those who already knew me could accept me and enjoy my presence? i was so silly. i wont do that again, but if i do, it will still be easier than doing it this time bc I'll recognize the patterns and quickly snap out of it.

in a way, i really do feel like i needed all this time alone to process myself and rlly look myself in the eye and recognize the ways ive lived that i can just stop doing now that i have the freedom to be free of my past. and part of me feels like I'm saying that as copium bc i didnt connect sooner and i possibly could have also had a better time with others and still have come to realize the same things and more through the help and company of others. but i also know that i cant live life always thinking so much. so i just need to live and let the regrets be what they are, and move forwards. but the regrets do indeed linger. like i made the decision not to stay in taiwan. bc of well A. money and B. i felt like if i had more time I'd just fucking waste it like i wasted the first 4 months. i might as well force myself into a corner and see if that would make me do things i was too scared to do otherwise. and like, it worked! i did say fuck it and rlly just let loose bc i was gonna leave but now its worked too well. and like i wish soooo bad that i had those 3 months to fully enjoy every chance working out. Part of me says that its best to leave with that hope. rather than have taken that chance and it fizzled out. the thing keeping me from extending the most was honestly knowing I'd have my birthday there. and i could not take the possibility of spending my birthday alone... i legit couldnt stomach it. in the past i used to spend every bday alone but in recent years ive had a mazing friends that actually made my bday special and i just. I'm so used to having that day be nice that i really couldnt take the possibility of it being awkward. but now i realize that it wouldn't have been like that. it couldve been wonderful. but thats okay, in another life. or maybe a few years. who knows. im considering doing smth like this again in like 2 years after I've worked a bit. i have nothing but time. but man. sometimes i just wonder yk.

and last night i had a rlly good one on one talk with my classmate and that was amazing, but i got home and checked IG like a dumbass and say another group of classmates partying til 3am and i was like.... man i should've done that. but like, logically no. i had a great night regardless and i partied with those classmates last week. ive had my fill, and i had things to do today that i needed to be coherent for. but i couldn't help but thinking what if. and i know its not so easy to kill that voice inside my head. its always gonna be there. its not just me, thats the devil of SNS like instagram. bc you see the best parts of everyone's lives at all times and feel like you're missing out but you're not. you only see a sliver of what it really was..but yea. its okay. I'm still so very young. and i just need to treasure now and take whatever chances i get to nourish the connections i have right now and put yourself out there to make new ones when the chances arise. its okay, there is not life that can be lived without saying goodbye. but damn, yesterday at the school gates two of my classmates hit me with the さよなら and that. man i felt it in that moment. theres so much i wish i couldve said in all that time we had to spend together but i just held my tongue bc i was scared. but this was really playing social interaction on hard mode, like the cultural differences, the language barrier, the introversion, the fact it was my first time on my own fr, just, there were soooo many factors working against me specifically. and fuck man, i still did it. and i am still so young, i really can do whatever i want. it feels so weird. ive only been here 6 months but in a way it feels like this is how its always been. like the fact that im going home feels so strange. like i havent been there in years, i honestly cant fully grasp that im gonna be in a place where i speak the language fluently and am fully aware and familiar with my surroundings. like, why does that feel so odd. it does, i legit dont even know how to feel besides strange. i just have a strange pit in my stomach. but its okay. it will pass as everything does. but these days will always live on inside me as everything does. even if i can't fully recall it. so i just have to keep going as always. god. life is trippy man. but yea. Yea. thats it. i think

[stephanietutterice]

“You don’t need to stress about your major right now you have so much time to figure that out”

“I know I just feel like im having a mid life crisis at the ripe age of 19”

“I know I know but steph you’re fine. I promise and hey if you wanna switch majors or drop out, screw it. But don’t stress just because youre undecided it’ll all fall into place.”

“Okay youre right im just freaking out im gonna go shower, thanks megs’

“Yeah of course”

--------------------------------------------------------------------

“MOM I won the whole thing, me and tony legit won the whole thing it was so much fun”

“Why am I not surprised that you won the whole tournament you’re like the most competitive person I know”

“I know its hilarious, the guys kept saying I was like a dude”

“Well, you grew up with an older brother and all his friends what did they expect”

“Hahaha youre right it was so funny”

“Well im glad you had fun, I love you I’m excited to see you this weekend”

“Me too mom, love and miss you more ill see you soon”

“See you soon bye babe”

“Bye mom”

---------------------------------------------------------------------

“I can’t believe semi formal is so soon like how is that possible”

“Dude i know and i need to find a date like I have no idea who to ask”

“Me neither I’m stressing like maybe ill ask one of the guys”

“Yeah i’m probably just gonna ask tristen to be honest but who knows”

“Imagine having a boyfriend to take, whatta life”

“ dude you’re preaching to the choir over here”

“Hahaha I know”

----------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’m so excited for our house next year like its so pretty and we have the rooftop like i cant”

“Dude i know that shit is going to be so fun I actually can’t wait I cant believe I was so stressed because like I know I wasnt super close with the girls but theyre so sweet”

“I know i told you they would like you and you didnt need to stress were gonna have a blast”

“So true I cant wait to decorate it”

“I KNOW RIGHT it'll be so cute”

----------------------------------------------------------------------

“Alright so sunday night were getting ice cream, thats final”

“Okay best idea ive heard like all day YES”

“We deserved it its been one heck of a week”

“Youre telling me, I legit think I failed one of my exams but oh well im here now”

“No you didnt cmon you studied so much for that i bet you got a B if not better”

“Dude you shoulda seen the test it made zero sense, might juts switch my major”

“I think about switching mine all the time i swear”

“Hahaha don’t we all”

“true”

[dragonbornoflegend]

loving how many ppl in my life are just straight up like "hm. I can't help but notice that you're burning the candle on both ends. allow me to help by attaching an extra wick so that you may burn it from yet another end"

[http-mingi]

room 657. ⤑ jjk + kth ☏︎

⟶ 𝘴𝘶𝘮𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘺 : you didn't even realise you were calling a hotline. you're best friend jimin gave you a random number. he said it was a surprise ? well you're in for one.

♡︎ 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 : sexhotline!au, worker!taehyung, worker!jungkook, student!reader

♡︎ 𝘨𝘦𝘯𝘳𝘦 : ∝ filthy smut if you squint there’s fluff

♡︎ : 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵 : sorry i fr forgot to do the word count !!

⟶ 𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 : stressed reader, soft!dom jungkook, harddom!tae , big cock!tae, bigcock!jungkook, size kink??, sub!reader, pussy eating, dirty talk, face riding, hair pulling, fingering, cum eating, praise kinda?? unprotected sex, roughsex, multiple orgasms, heavy heavy dom sub themes, brat!reader , dom/sub themes, pet names, daddy!kink, threesome, dirty talk, cunnilingus, orgasm denial, begging, humiliation, creampie, intense orgasms(?), multiple orgasms, cum eating, insecurities, derogatory language, sexual face-slapping, punishments, dumbification, overstimulation, basically pwp.

let's go!

you sighed heavily as your boots clicked along the laminated floor of your university.

today so far had been a hassle. traffic kept you 2 hours late from school you were earlier fired from your job. your ex boyfriend had recently been stalking you and to top it off there was no hot water this morning.

you were beyond stressed.

most of the time you could deal with it you had thousands of stress relieving techniques. but this time you were all types of frustrated, with school, your job, sexually, friendships, family. you sighed heavily as you dragged yourself inside your classroom.

the bright walls of your university aided in your pounding headache. the distinct smell of coffee and muffins flooded your nose as you blinked slowly.

the tall dark bookcases shielding you from the sunlight as you sluggishly made your way to your seat.

you slumped down on your chair as you massaged your temples in effort to calm your self down. your headache clouded your vision immensely you hastily downed your water and some paracetamol nursing your forehead throughout.

you hadn’t been out on a real date in months. it seemed like the universe didn’t want you on dates, you rarely ever found yourself being okay with that fact.

whilst in a trance your best friend jimin walked excitedly into the classroom.

he constantly and i mean constantly reminded you off the things you were missing out on but it wasn’t like you didn’t want to go out but the issue was you were way too busy.

being an english, law and history major meant that you were constantly studying literally.

you did love him though he always tried for you.

"_____ !! " your friend jimin called out to you. you grumbled in annoyance as you turned your neck towards him.

"what." you sighed out tiredly.

" what the- what's wrong with you ______ ?!" he exclaimed loudly.

" jimin... why are you so loud. " you whine loudly.

“ shut up ___ im literally your only friend.” he said nonchalantly.

“ stopppp!” you whined with a breathy giggle.

“ anyways what are you doing here you have biology?” you asked innocently wiping your exhausted eyes.

“ uhhh... well..”

“ spit it outtt.” you say , head tilting slightly.

" sorry _____ i just- i have a number to give you and i don't call it until you get home! trust me you'll thank me later!!”

0800-765-877

it looked like a legit number so you decided to trust him this one time.

"come on ____ class ended 20 minutes ago wake up." he whined loudly.

" what.....? " you yawned as you groggily wiped your eyes.

jimin let out an exasperated sigh as he dragged you out of class and to your apartment.

" i love you but sometimes i feel like stabbing you. " he says plainly.

" sorry chim, ive just been really stressed lately. i'll make it up to you i promise."

"you can make it up to me by calling that number, it'll solve all your problems i promise."

" jimin... did you connect me to a sugar daddy or something? " you asked as you flopped down onto your sofa

" something like that." he said grinning

" okay well you can go home now . " you muttered yawning

" promise me you'll call them? "

" okay, okay now you can go. "

as jimin left you groaned into your pillow did you have to call them it wasn't really gonna change anything. but at the same time jimin would do the same for you.

your home was simple, minimalistic but you loved it your soft grey sofa in the corner. your small tv playing comfort noise in the background.

you fought your tiredness to finish your essay due for next week. you ached in places you didn't even know you had the most you were aching was down there.

you hadn't had any sexual action in weeks even months.

you decided to go up to your room to try and relive yourself.

you sighed as your hands hovered over the pulsating area.

as a finger trailed it's way up your slit you involuntarily whined as you got tired of the foreplay you plunged a finger inside your soppy cunt.

your plush walls also fighting to relish your much needed orgasm as you groaned into your pillow.

you moaned, whined, groaned and breathed heavily as you desperately tried to reach your high.

you angrily quickened your pace. you were trying so hard yet you still weren't feeling anything.

in a huff you decided to stop trying to reach your endless high.

in the corner of your eye you saw the number jimin had left you.

it wouldn't hurt to call right?

it wasn't gonna be anything weird..... right ?

you took a small breathe as your fingered trembled attempting to type in the numbers.

1 ring

2 rings

3 rings

......

" h-hello? " you whispered out meekly

" hey honey, why don't you speak up for us?" the man on the other end spoke in a deep voice

" im sorry i- i don't know what this- is r-really for?" you spoke slightly louder as you stumbled over your words

"it's a sexhotline darling? "

" i- i well oh...” you huffed out , eyes widening softly you were lost in a trance of thought.

you were suddenly put on hold.

your eyebrows furrowed in confusion as you gave yourself time to think.

it wouldn’t hurt right?

you were basically an adult, you felt like a teenage girl again.

so you decided.

Putting a client on hold was a part of their fun. It allows the person to wait and to draw out the anticipation. however in this case you were just confused.

you’ve been pacing back and forth inside your bedroom for minutes it was half eleven in the night , and you certainly didn’t think that your attention would be on this instead of your essay.

suddenly you heard another 'hello' erupt from the phone quickly you grabbed your device breathing heavily you gulped and mustered up your voice.

" h- hi i just want you to know that y-you can carry on I've been- struggling and i- need some just some help?" you say whispering the last part.

" you want us to help you cum bun? " another voice said this time it was lighter, kinder in a way.

“don’t make us talk to ourselves, darling.” the other man snarls.

a gasp emits from your dry lips when the tone of his voice turns firm. there was a strict, domineering tinge in his speech that made you sit still. you were too shocked to reply as your mind tried to comprehend the situation that you got yourself into.

“I-I…” you stuttered completely, wanting to smack yourself in the face. the pet names, their voices it was all over whelming you too much.

you let out a needy whine, both of the men groaned quietly into the phone.

" how old are you baby ? " baby. they called you baby.

" i-im 19? "

" fuck, will you be okay with this?" they ask to make sure

jungkook can’t help the soft growl escape his lips. It has been so rare for him to receive callers who aren’t twenty-five and above, and you might be his first time.

“Ohh, baby girl,” he bites his lip, “I think you’re the first client I’ve had who’s so young.” jungkook says to you

“ is that okay , i-im sorry- "

“Oh, its more than okay , baby. You still wanna continue? I can make you feel so…” he pauses, groaning quietly to himself, “so good.”

your pussy clenches around nothing as you felt yourself getting wetter by the second

"  yes daddy. " you say nodding to yourself. you suddenly froze as you realised the contents of your words

taehyung's eyes widen in shock, his mouth agape, certainly not expecting that sudden word to come out of your lips. He throws his head back, closing his eyes for a brief moment as he feels his dick harden.

It was so difficult for him to hold himself back because all he wanted to do was to say the dirtiest, nastiest things that he wants to do to you in your ear. but he had to slow down.

“daddy? Oh, what makes you call me that, hm? baby?”

you feel your throat go dry, your eyes wide in shock. You didn’t know what to respond without being so shocked with yourself.

" i-i just really need you please please please i need it. " you let it all out, you couldn't be bothered to hide it anymore.

“don’t be a brat kitten.“ taehyung snarled into the phone.

“ b-but daddy! please i- i need it so so bad it’s not fair!“ you whined softly as your fingers ghosted your aching, soppy cunt.

they both groaned loudly, as jungkook conversed with taehyung

" kook, fuck i need to do her in real life she's making this so hard for me."

" same here let's just go for it here she's going to make me cum in my pants." he sighed as he palmed himself to your weak whimpers.

" darling, me and tae were wondering if you wanted to do this in real life- we'd fuck you so good honey, you'd become our little cum dump id love to see your body tremble to the force of my cock. " taehyung said interrupting jungkook.

" yes.. please you said as you moaned quietly to their words

" okay bun, we'll text you where to meet us." jungkook breathed out.

the atmosphere was dripping with heavy lust your eyes shut right as you relished their deep gutural voices.

“ i can’t cum daddy please help me cum pleas-“ you begged in frustration

“oh honey, it’s okay sh- sh it’s ok ill help you just be patient okay? you can do that for me right?” jungkook said in a calm tone

" what's your name by the way."

" it's ____." you say meekly

" ____ edge yourself, fuck yourself just do not cum. "

and with that in the call ended

you sighed loudly grinning slightly, you were gonna get your brains done out by two sexy sounding men.

you smiled to yourself giddily as you finally got some sleep.

________________

the next morning you got up and did your daily routine entirely different you waxed everywhere, shaved, exfoliated, moisturised, basically every strawberry flavoured you had in your bathroom.

it was a Saturday, you had time to spare you texted jimin to meet him before you went to meet 'kook' and the other guy.

not to mention you were frustrated beyond belief you had done what they asked you to do and you half hate half love them for it.

on one hand you could cum from any suggestive touch you were given.

on the other hand you couldn't help but want to thank them you felt so ready for them.

you walked to the cafe.

the soft brown walls encompanied the mahogany floors and the cascade of plants across the room as you happily walked into the bustling cafe.

" what's got you so excited." he said grinning like the Cheshire cat

" uh nothing i just had some good sleep last night. " a lie.

" oh really? "

" yeah i even finished my essay!" not true but not false at the same time.

" wow! " jimin looked at you shocked

" jimin do you really have that little faith in me. " you say annoyed

" to be honest no. " he said chuckling

" jiminnn, well i have to be going now i have an appointment soon. " you explain pouting

" an appointment where? "

" somewhere special ? " you say in attempt to hide

" if you say so. " he uttered playfully and he watches you walk away

you stared at the building in front of you as you checked the address again and again it was a massive condo.

you rang the bell of the apartment square and dialled in the number seconds later you were buzzed in.

you took the elevator and anxiously played with your fingers you finally reached the floor you were headed to and walked into room 657 .

" h-hello i-im here it's ______ " you say confused you really made a large mistake.

suddenly turning around, you were pulled into a sloppy kiss. You immediately relaxed into it, wrapping your arms around his neck the deeper it went. Before it could go on too long, he pulled away.

Pressed between both of their bodies, you could help the way your body reacted. Your lips met Taehyung's again and you whimpered.

Jungkook took the opportunity to press his lips against your neck, skimming them over the collar now around your neck.

He hands gripped your waist, pulling your shirt up ever so slightly to touch the skin that became exposed.

Goosebumps across your skin and you gasped into Taehyung's mouth. The elder chuckled, reaching down to where Jungkook's deft fingers explored to tug up the hem of your shirt.

you gasped loudly as you tensed under their touch.

Already, you could feel your mind turning fuzzy, falling into your submissive roll to let them mold you how they wanted.

Jungkook chuckled as you lifted your arms, allowing Taehyung to pull your shirt off. Left in your bra, you couldn't help but cover your chest as vulnerability set in.

"None of that, bun," Jungkook growled softly, ripping your arms away from your chest. "You wanna be a good girl for us right? Let us take care of you?"

"Y-Yes..." You whined, whining when Taehyung leaned down pressing kisses against your chest above the seam of your bra. Gasping, you pushed your chest out to get more of the feeling.

"What a good girl," Taehyung cooed, falling to his knees in front of you.

You leaned back, using Jungkook as support to help Taehyung pull your jeans off completely. He tossed them away in a heap nearby and without wasting a second, his mouth was on your core.

The fabric of your panties put on the side, feeling his mouth on you fully but as he slid his tongue over your slit and caught your clit, you let out a soft moan.

"What a good kitten for us," Jungkook groaned, hands still cupping your breasts. He pinched your nipples, making your back arch as you cried out.

“Is that pretty pussy wet, Princess? Does your cunt ache to be filled by my cock?” jungkook coaxes

The filth of his words doesn’t surprise you, Under his teasing words, you feel yourself grow wet, your lust-filled desire mingling with the humiliation that flutters through you.

"Aw, your pussy that sensitive, baby?" Taehyung cooed pressing his middle finger to glide directly over the patch where your clit was, making your hips curve inwards as the intensity was blare enough to startle you.

He chuckled deeply at that, kind of sounding like a purr and just when you didn't think he could fuck with your sanity anymore than he was already doing, he turned his head to the side and lapped his wet muscle along your jugular vein before enclosing his lips area the area for harsh suck.

you moaned loudly as you arched your back against jungkook. taehyung put one leg over his shoulder to go deeper.

"Daddy!" You cried as his tongue slid through your folds. He moaned at the unimpeded taste of your cunt. Circling your entrance, he eagerly tasted everything you had to offer.

" don't take it all tae, shit she looks hot." jungkook groaned into your neck, biting licking and sucking against your sweet spot.

you whined as you trembled against the two men. you felt hot.

"Fuck!" You shrieked, spasming when he gave you a slap against your sodden folds . " I—!"

" be careful girl." jungkook growled into your ear

you moaned apologies left right and centre as he continued to abuse your aching clit.

suddenly you were harshly pulled away from taehyung's hot wet muscle and pushed into the soft plush bed.

you whined in protest at your denied orgasm.

" now, you're going to choose. me or tae." jungkook questioned sadistically

" i...i can't choose that i okay um jungkook?" you said in a small voice.

" good decision honey, now lie back let me take care of you." he cooed kindly

taehyung scoffed as he sat back

you were more than happy like this, but when you shifted your hips to grind your centre against his, you both groaned open-mouthed into the kiss.

You could feel that he was already hard in his boxers. Knowing that his willing cock was so close to your needy core erased your mind of any thoughts that weren't of him.

When you dragged your clit against him again you keened, the pleasure incredible despite the barriers between you.

he felt so big as you continued your actions

suddenly you felt his large and literally massive cock push into your plush soppy cunt.

you moaned loudly as jungkook groaned.

taehyung smirked as he shook his head.

" get moving i wanna see her squirt."

jungkook rocked back and forth at a steady pace it was amazing don't get me wrong but you wanted more you needed more.

"more! more please harder jungkook please! " you begged.

" princess, don't beg for things you can't keep up with." he chuckled

there was an animalistic gaze in his eye as he started plunging into your pussy, taehyung mouth open jerking himself off at the sight, your open lie open as he ground his fat cock into you.

you felt hot and euphoric and couldn't help but let moans continuously fall out of your mouth.

suddenly you felt a harsh slap on your face. you felt tears well up in your eyes.

Without warning, his cock was rammed inside you. Raw and hard with the way your pussy was soaking wet from your denied orgasm , he began to relentlessly fuck into you.

tears began spilling out of your eyes continuously and your moans became pornographic.

as if he couldn't go any faster he began to drill inside you, your body shook in ecstasy as his fat cock was pistoned into you.

you felt your high approaching, you panicked and begged for them to let you come.

" please! please let me cum ! ill be good , ill be a good girl ! " you cried out towards them

jungkook craned himself to be face to face with you, as he stared at you with his dark and lustful. his wet lips capture yours into a sloppy kiss .

he forced your mouth open and let his tongue glide upon yours. he sucked on the wet muscle softly as you cried out.

everything felt so good, too good.

you came 3 times alone with jungkook and felt overstimulated beyond belief.

" now it's my turn . " taehyung dead panned

" w-what i can't take anymore ill just su- "

" i said. it's my turn. " he uttered in a harsh tone

you wailed in frustration as your body writhed in defeat .

" you're gonna take it . that's what you asked for . " he spat at you.

observing the way your eyes darken, turning neediness, and the way your chest heaves in short breaths, Taehyung’s jaw flexes.

He pressed the tip against your hole, seeing you tense up almost immediately. taehyung rubbed the end of his cock along your wet cunt before sinking himself into you.

" d-daddy ple- ! " you body spasmed against the head board as taehyung suddenly slammed his body into you continuously.

“ you’re such an eager little whore, aren’t you?” he purrs, condescension laced in his tone.

you tightly held onto the relentless man as you felt your high approaching once more.

taehyung’s thrusts became sloppy as he grunted against your neck.

you felt your body swirl and turn around you and you finally came.

hours later

you groggily woke up as you felt your body give out into the bed.

“ hel- hello? ” you said wearily

“ hi princess.” taehyung smirked

“ round 5?” jungkook asked

you sighed as you submitted to them in their bed

here we go again.

5 missed calls from jimin

[teeth-and-tea]

ANIME & MANGA I HAVE BINGED IN THE LAST MONTH: May 2021

I've Been Hunting Slimes for the Past 300 Years and Now Ive Maxed Out My Level: incredibly long name aside, cute af slice of life that suffers Same Face Syndrome. I'm still happy to watch it because of how feel good and fluffy it is though, Im probably gonna forget about it in two or three years tho. 8/10.

Don't Toy With Me, Miss Nagatoro: I found out this was a webcomic first and suddenly all the HORNINESS made so much more sense. A Femdom, Degradation, Humiliation, Dacryphilia Bullies to Lovers story disguised as a high school rom-com which, I'm not going to lie, misses SKEEVY CITY by mere inches on a regular basis. However, I'm a Dom/Switch and this entire relationship sets off my dom brain center like New York City just shy of midnight. So if you're into that sort of scene, this anime is for you. If not, it's still fascinating but you're probably gonna be a little put off by how mean the Girl!Bully is to the guy MC. Unless you find out something about yourself, in which case, congrats! Stay safe, sane, consensual, and learn about the traffic light system on top of safe words, I promise you'll have a better life in general after that. Still Ongoing, currently 10/10.

Fruits Basket: IM GONNA CRY I LOVE THIS ANIME SO MUCH???? The original anime came out when I was in... I think middle school and my parents were really strict on what I watched so I never got to experience the first wave and I never bothered to watch the show ever after I moved out of the house years later. However, now that I'm much older I honestly can say this is one of my favorite anime to date, and all the characters are charming, lovable, with their own problems that I can connect to or sympathize with, and I love the MC which is always a treat tbh. Except Akito. Akito can suck a sandpaper dick. I'm only on S2 tho so no spoilers! Anime 11/10.

Monster Girl Doctor: went in thinking it was gonna be a monster girl who's a doctor with a homoerotic assistant (her name is SAPPHY okay sue me for thinking it) and ended up watching the entire dubbed harem series. Honestly, I've seen worse and this one has consistent follow-through on interesting characters and backstory enough for me to shove aside the blatant under-monstrousness of the female monsters and the harem-ness of everything else. Dubbing is honestly really good, which is a treat, and the monster designs are not the worst and the MC is tolerable. Honestly, I don't mind having watched it! The mix of cgi and the traditional animation together work pretty strangely though, and it often doesn't flow super well. 7.5/10

So I'm a Spider, So What: Dubbed version which honestly isn't that bad. Took me a bit to get into it, but after realizing that it's got a mismatched timeline a la The Witcher, it made so much more sense. Heavily done in cgi, and you can definitely tell between the 2D and 3D animations, but not the worst in the world. I went in not expecting much but it ended up being an Issekai I can stand and even enjoy. On god has a decent story... with the spider. I'd be a liar if I didnt say I skipped some of the human parts just to get back to the best part of the show. 8/10.

Somali and the Forest Spirit: I'm so fucking nostalgic for this thing it makes me want to go and hug my dad. About a human girl under threat of being eaten with a monster-dominated world. Very obvious "humans fear what they don't understand" message but instead of the humans learning tolerance it's what happens when they get annihilated first so like, kudos for the mangaka for having the guts to do that. I cried like a baby regularly. It's really good, I watched the dub and ID WATCH IT AGAIN!!! 9/10.

To Your Eternity: Oh my god. O h my g o d. Fell in love on the first episode, ngl. About if an immortal being learned how to be a person from scratch. I love it. HOWEVER. Keep a box of tissues on you at all times because you're gonna need them. I'm only on EP7 because that's all that's out right now but just know. I love it. Not for everyone but certainly for my "what do we define as human and the human condition" ass. 12/10.

Those Snow White Notes: A sports anime without any sports. About shamisen playing which is cool because I never realized how cool this instrument was??? Its neat af. OP1&2 are by Burnout Syndrom so know theyre fire. Gonna be real, its pretty alright, but not extraordinary. You can tell they were using the characters as archetypes rather than actually characters which kinda kills a lot of the emotional value you could've had, but I'm still gonna watch it. It doesn't make me cringe as hard as other sports anime tho so I consider it toptier in that regards but if you're a big sports anime fan you might be bummed out by it. Every single musical performance is INCREDIBLE tho. A solid 8/10.

Toilet Bound Hanako-kun: THE ART OMFG IT'S SO GORGEOUS. Listen, if you took coptic markers and gave them an animation budget with some manga panel direction thrown in there, that's this anime. It's beautiful. Gorgeous. I'm in love with the aesthetic every second. Story? Really good. Characters? I love the MC and his evil little twin brother asshat. Demons? Not super imaginative but I'm carrying on happy as can be anyways. Dubbing? A bit shaky at times but I found the voices charming if a little off for some of them. I'm already waiting for the second season with popcorn at the ready. 10/10.

Prison School: I watched this directly after Hanako-kun and it was like I got slapped in the face by sweaty unwashed titties and some fedora wearing schmuck's piss kink. No character is likable or redeemable. I finished it, but at what cost? 2/10 and only because a character shit his pants and I laughed.

Sleepy Princess in the Demon Castle: watched this right after Prison School and it was NECESSARY tbh. Its so CUTE and honestly, im not even kidding you, the fucking funniest anime I've seen in months. I watched the dub and the VAs are having the time of their lives working on this anime not just giving it their all but literally just going ham. Its great. If I read this im sure id be bored outta my mind but the VAs giving it a joyous performance make it an insta fave for me tbh. 9/10.

Sk8 the Infinity: i watched the dub with my bro and I can confirm that its a spectacular show because we both loved it and we have vastly different tastes. Incredibly SUSPENSFUL AND STRESSFUL for an anime about skateboarding but we finished it in a single sitting tbh. The last episode is not dubbed for some reason but we still loved it. Like if Free! was less obnoxious but the only fan-service here is Joe ♡ a beefcake who owns my lesbian heart. I think there's exactly one named female character tho and I legit couldn't tell you what it was if there was a gun to my head. So, over all, 9.5/10.

That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime: I'm going to be entirely honest, I went in thinking it was going to be a boring isekai of no value. I was right about the Isekai part. It was honestly pretty interesting and focused on nation building like you're playing civilization rather than the usual "Get Stronger" narrative or "Get Some Pussy" narrative most isekais take which is delightfully refreshing. Granted there are flavors of that in this which means it doesn't alienate the big isekai watchers out there, but it's not the whole dish and it doesn't make me want to cringe the same way others do. You've got a slime MC just vibing and building a nation of monsters nbd. Does lose points for making the female monsters more humanoid than their male counterparts but makes them back by only doing perfunctory fan-service and nothing that makes me want to cry... except the butt sumo episode but in fairness it was all a terrible dream. Literally, the MC refuses to dream anymore after that. solid animation, decent voice acting, decent story, made me realize how HUGE this is in the Light Novel community???? There's like 18 fucking novels and that's WILD. 8.5/10.

MANGA:

Spirit Photographer Saburo Kono: a one shot special by the mangaka of The Promised Neverland! Honestly a really delicate touch of both super creepy and really touching, and I'm not gonna lie I'm bummed that this isn't a bigger project but the single chapter makes it a good taste for their style. I've been wondering if I wanna read/watch The Promised Neverland and now I think I will. 10/10

Deranged Detective Ron Kamonohashi: from the mangaka of Hitman Reborn comes this Sherlock and Watson derivative! Not even 20 chapters out yet with a sort of spotty schedule, I honestly love it even thought it's exactly as you expect. HOWEVER. Kamonohashi the "Sherlock" character uses mental pressure to kill all confirmed murderers and it's up to Toto the "Watson" character to save all those people before Kamonohashi kills them! It's just recently introduced a "Moriarty" family of crime lords (not a big spoiler don't worry it was obvious) so the tension surrounding Ron's past is amping up rn. Personally, I think the art is GORGEOUS, the characters engaging, and the story quick enough to keep my interest. Most mysteries are solved within a chapter or two so you're not stuck 20 chapters into one locked room mystery which is just peachy tbh. RN, 10/10. If this gets an anime, I anticipate a legion of fangirls who ship the two main characters along with their many friends. I've been alive too long to believe otherwise.

Don't Toy with Me, Miss Nagatoro: Yeah I read the manga after I watched the show. A slower build than the anime, but it works for the format, if theyd done the same with the show then I don't think it wouldve done as well. Honestly? Cuter tbh but just as horny. You dont start really LEARNING about your character until like, chap 65 tho and no real "drama" happens until like 75. A good chunk of the chapters are like 8pgs so its a breeze to get through. I love these slow burn idiots of the century. 9.5/10 because you can DEFINITELY tell the mangaka does hentai too.

Yugen's All-Ghouls Homeroom: one-shot by the mangaka for Food Wars, it's no wonder there's this constant perviness from the MC, a guy who can see and exorcise spirits. Takes place at an all girl's finishing school with KICK ASS monsters tbh, kinda bummed its not longer. The MC? Blatant monsterfucker who is also a CONFRIMED monsterfucker???? Idk i vibe with that single emotion. Everything else is hit or miss. 7/10 for monsters and cool concept, lost points for the MC very pointedly being okay with admitting he'd wait for the teenagers to be adults tho. Creepy af. Could live without that.

Hell's Paradise: I finished the entire 127chps in 3 days and I was really enthusiastic about it 90% of the time thinking about how deep it was and then I actually thought about it and I ended up being very neutral about the whole thing tbh. The art is fantastic tho, but DEFINITELY deserving of the M rating. Tits. Tits everywhere. But not tits to be ecchi over, no, monster hermit tits on beautiful women-ish figures. Now generally I give that a pass but a huge theme in the story is that men and women are "no better than one or the other" but like, lady tits are what you see 99% of the time. Men tits are few and far between. I call bullshit on most of the "deep" themes is what I'm saying, so it's like the mangaka was trying for those deep thoughts but missed the margin a little too far for my preference. That being said, the MC is a married man who loves his wife which automatically makes him my favorite character so like... idk so many good things, so many misses, but overall really spectacular themes and imagery. Unique but classic all at once. It's getting an anime and I have NO IDEA how much censorship they're gonna be doing but they're going to be doing SO MUCH. Oh yeah, and one guy is a plant/human hybrid who fucks a 1000 year old plant-hermit which makes him a canon monster fucker. And one canon non-binary character who I, a nonbinary, actually like. So like... gosh I've got mixed feelings. 8.5/10.

Choujin X: From Sui Ishida, mangaka to the mega hit Tokyo Ghoul comes this brand new manga!... Of one chapter, lol. Not really binge-y because it's just the one chapter out right now but I'm already keeping my eye on it. The grasp on anatomy in the art is PHENOMENAL and you can see Ishida flexing his art skill which is great. Can't give a true rating but I'm giving it a tentative 9/10 because I'm excited to see more.

Shag&Scoob: technically not a manga, its an ongoing webcomic I binged an subscribed to in one day and I just think it deserves more attention. Starts off funny with "what if Scooby Doo had a gun" and has been led to "what if all cartoons are aliens that survive and receive their powers by the humans that love them in an epic war with Martians." On god, its good. I finished the current series in a couple hours so it's a breezy read, highly recommend it. 9/10.

To Your Eternity: Yeah I watched the anime and then finished all current 143 chapters in like 3 days. GOD IM WEAK. I don't buy physical manga unless I know I want to remember the story forever and I'm already budgeting for the current books out. Yeah, this is a good series. That being said, definitely not for the faint of heart or those who suffer under common triggers like suicide, molestation, death, etc. It's all framed as bad and necessary to the story don't get me wrong, but it's there and has lasting affects on the characters. Incredible story telling by the creator of A Silent Voice. Keep tissues nearby at all times. 12/10.

[atiny-piratequeen]

spreading glove around... tell your moots how much you love them and why

Glove world-

Anyway lets go.

@kimnamshiks Tay you're like,,,one of my first ask regulars and you literally never fail to make me smile. You are one of my wifeys for lifey and I really dont know where I'd be without the laughs, joy, genuine happiness you bring. Not to mention 🥺🥺 i look forward to your reviews and analyses on my work and you never fail to make me feel even more excited to write

@queen-of-himbos , @jacksons-goddess-gaia my babus! My wifeys! Loml! You both have gotten me through some of THE toughest shit, especially irl shit. Yall, Tay, Chye, Dior have all helped me more in the past year plus than some of my irls in the years ive known them. I trust yall with my life and it's always nice to see your lovely faces and hear your voices.

@gettin-a-lil-hanse my baby bear. My sweetie pie. You're another one who I've known since essentially the birth of my blog. You are one of my artistic inspirations (you, dior, atlas, amelia, tay, and kira) and I've enjoyed learning and growing together. Plus, I've learned a lot more about you know what (idk if you're comfortable with me saying) and im glad you helped me realize im p darn good at it.

@atiny-dazzlinglight fellow queen of smut content and suffering, my fucking BABY, one of the most beautiful and radiant people I've had the pleasure of meeting on here. You've been through so much but you still stop by to spread your positivity even when you're not feeling up to it yourself. Again, like the others, you're one of my artistic inspirations too and im so proud of you for your growth, both as a writer and an artist (tell Dean i love him ok?)

@not-majestic-bluenicorn Ri! My detectivetiny that will kick my ass over AtT one day. I know things have been rough for you as well but I want to take this time to compliment your hard work. The way you plan out your series' are really damn cool and professional and you're always ready to lend a hand or an ear to other writers in need. I genuinely enjoy talking to you about works (be it yours or mine, or just bouncing ideas back and forth) and I hope you continue to have a good time writing.

@angel0taiyo - my aussie firecracker, hi. I miss you babe, timezones are a bitch but I value every time I get to talk to you. You're legit one of the first fellow Domme I've found since getting into kpop (*cough* a lot of kpoppies round here are submissive bottoms lbr *cough*) and it's always so nice to talk to you about *checks notes* absolutely ruining cute boys. No but fr, ily babe and I miss ya.

@vvnte ATLAS HI WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE LGBTS SERVER DAYS AND YOU'RE STUCK WITH ME ILY SM AND IF ANYONE EVEN BREATHES WRONG IN YOUR DIRECTION IM FIGHTING. no but really. You're a wonderful gentleman and a gorgeous human being and i really do love you sm

@deepnesta Kira 🥺 ily and im super glad we started talking more often again. Ik school is a lot for you but you really are such a wonderful writer and I can't wait for you to show the world what you can do with your original works. Keep it up you funky little baby

@aaron-jamess aj. My sunshine. I really do look forward to seeing your asks, your reviews, anything. I genuinely feel like I've gained a little sibling and I'm sorry things have been rough lately but if Karma is real, the world has good for you, sweetie. You put so much good, supportive vibes in the world and you deserve it back a thousand fold.

@amelia-the-professional-smartass Amelia~♡ hi sweetie. My artistic honey bunch. I really do admire your creativity and how often you come up with your dnd ocs and drawings. You have such a firm grasp on character design and I always love reading through your oc headcanons or thought dumps. Keep up the amazing work.

@softjeon @jinterlude jey, mik, you two really are impressive and you helped teach me what it meant to be a good network admin. Being the admin of a net is hard enough. Being the admin of multiple can get to be so stressful but I'll be a damn fool if I didnt take this time to thank you both for teaching me what you knew so I could be a good admin myself and do right by my nets

Also for my little sis ❄ anon, i love u bunches bby and i think??? School might be hectic for you but I miss you and I hope you're having a good day

[thejudgingtrash]

Last but not least: PJO hot takes part IV!

Alright my dudes. I think we’re still in this game for one final round. Anyway here’s wonderwall. And Part 1//Part 2//Part 3!

Percy had actually knowledge about the Greek myths. He didn’t waddle in blindly. Where did y’all even get that?

The new possible Irish myth saga will be PJO 3.0 aka Magnus Chase 2.0 aka The Kane Chronicles 1.2.

Riordan already got the names of gods of that possible saga wrong

Riordan‘s Asian characters only know bitch or bland mode, huh

Stop babying Annabeth for fucks sake. Seriously

How the fuck did Sally afford several private schools for Percy when they were poor as fuck? I guess Gabe had to have a some somewhat decent job but then again playing poker/being a gambler and stealing from your stepson ain’t a cute move

Hazel should’ve been Thanatos‘ kid. To break the classic 12 Olympian mold (yeah Hades/Pluto technically isn’t one but he’s still team major gods) and also to throw the damned Hitler/Pluto aesthetics away

Did any of the kids break their limps or get permanently disabled at some point? Or do they just... die (and mostly stay dead)? I forgot

Where can the kids at Camp Half-Blood actually sneak off to fuck? Percy is legit the only one to claim his own shit as his love bunker. The rest is just fucked I guess or has first hand traumatic pre-college experiences

”Percy cursed“. Literally why, Riordan. Let the kid say fuck. He has earned the rights to do so a long time ago

Did I mention that people lack of basic reading skills in earlier takes? Anyway. Here’s another reminder!

Tbh the gods are egotistical fucks and have killed people for the fuck of it. I don’t see Poseidon being even close to okay with Sally marrying Gabe or Paul

I still don’t understand why Frazel is a thing

Most of you don’t understand how movie production works but that’s okay. Just know that everything inside your head will never be realized and there will be drastic cuts and additions to the books (again)

The electronics not working thing doesn’t even make any goddamn sense? Hermes is the god of the Internet. Does this mean that demigods can use the web just fine but simply can’t call each other? This really came back to bite Riordan in the ass now did it? Wouldn’t it make more sense to use old means of communication once you’re trying to reach more important/godly people or electronics fail in an accute situation?

Turning everyone heteroflexible creates the image that you’re simply liking a character for the fact that they are LGBTQ and not the character itself, just saying. More representation sure, but that itself isn’t a personality trait and shouldn’t be the main focus of a character unless it’s really defining in the story line (Nico‘s arc partially for example)

Tbh, HOO should’ve been aged up mentor Percabeth protecting CHB, with the rest of the gang fucking up Greece with aged Reyna + Nico perhaps. I might post an outline on that AU someday (someone should remind me about that tho)

On one hand you have in depth discussions and people diving into the matter and talking about every nook and cranny and on the other hand people are more then just fine with stereotyping and deflecting. Whut. Okay

Why are people shipping the lie that is Jasper/Jasiper

Stop romanticizing the gods

Dark!Percy is just a cheap way for you to turn Percy into an overpowered asshole and that’s that tea

Being in a relationship isn’t a personality trait, my dear shippers

Riordan‘s timeline is off because the coke rush didn’t last that long

The wasted potential of everything past PJO makes me want to cry

Percy’s fatal flaw isn’t stupid, Riordan just didn’t flesh it out properly which is why there were no real repercussions. A fatal flaw is supposed to be hindering you and not a compliment

The fact that adult people still can’t take jokes about their favorite characters is fucking insane part II

Why the fuck did the Stolls get tossed aside? Bruh. The potential? The stigma as a Hermes kid? They trying to redeem their cabins honor? Imagine one of them as a prophecy kid in HOO (and they’d switch and swap to confuse everyone)? Yes??

Every single one of you that essentially is team poc!Percy because he had a rough upbringing deserves to get slapped. Poverty, abuse, a single parent, etc. doesn’t equate to being poc?!?!? Smells racist just saying

Turning Hazel into Nico‘s sister was cheap af

Stop romanticizing and down playing the myth aspect. Tragedy is essential and will haunt demigods. Thank you, next

Also stop babying Percy

Let’s be honest none of those fuckers make it to college

Annabeth Chase is fucking WHITE part II. She’s not biracial, she’s not ”exotic“, she’s certainly not fucking black. She’s white with a little hint of a tan. That still makes her white. Do you really want to turn her into Ariana Grande 2.0? A fucking botched orange? This is your Annabeth aesthetic? Artists get it fucking right unless you state that you portray her as [spraytan headcanon] which is still fucking cheap let’s be real. Orange Annabeth isn’t part of the kulture

Regardless of the reception of the PJO movies, I’ll never forgive you people for letting Logan Lerman aka the OG white boy™ flop. Throw Tom “lipless but okay booty“ Holland and Timothée ”I missed a few meals“ Chalamet the fuck away!

Tbh a less romanticized version of the camps would’ve been more interesting. I’m still put off by CJ (and also the fact that CHB is a summer camp), but had there been more fights and actual deaths that had happened around the camps due to training, etc. you would’ve understood immediately why demigods dipped before the age of 18. The antithetical nature of sweet summer camp and people dying left and right would’ve been amplified

Did Reyna at some point in time even have the time to breath with all of the shit that went down? Her life is simply 24/7 stressful. I get that she wanted to bounce and no longer be in a tiring and demanding position but the hunters ain’t it sis

It’s okay to admit that fanon artwork or fanfics don’t deserve the webspace they are wasting. But phrase that probably in a nicer way

PJO Calypso wasn’t annoying. HOO & TOA Calypso on the other hand...

Alex Pettyfer would’ve been a better Luke Castellan but Jake Abel did an okay job

Percy isn’t an idiot. You are one for believing so

Riordan corrected the stance that Muslims don’t shower during Ramadan (literally how in the fuck did he come up with that in the first place?!) in upcoming MC books. Can he use the same energy to rewrite HOO tho??

Luke’s portrayals in SoM and TTC were straight up trash

Historically accurate PJO would’ve been everything

Monsters can detect demigods by smell. Camo wouldn’t do jack shit ffs

Jason is still bland and making jokes/pointing that out is more than okay

Omfg accept the fact that characters can have multiple facets all good and bad. Reducing them to one specific trait makes them boring and bland. Also it stereotypes

Getting mad over the fact that Clarisse has a boyfriend is still fucking insane

Not everyone needs to be a fanfic writer or an artist, a theorist or someone that analyzes everything phrase by phrase. As long as you’re in the fandom to enjoy works & discussions and remain on the saner side of the spectrum you’re good. You’re valid. Don’t forget that.

Not wanting to stay in a fandom and merely enjoying some of the fruits/benefits as in art/fics/headcanons is also super valid

PJO Reddit, Tumblr, IG and Twitter are a cesspool of chaotic mess and straight up trash but Tumblr > Reddit >>>>>> IG >>>>>> Twitter

Tbh: just try to enjoy a decent book series. It’s all not that deep

[sparklyandchic]

🦋 MINI MIND MAKEOVER 🦋

okay i started the idea for this mini little mind makeover when i broke up with my boyfriend in like january. instead of being sad or angry, i wanted to be grateful for this time and take it as an opportunity to make life better for myself. then quarantine happened, so some of these are related to things i’ve learned since that started. either way, these aren’t all concrete things to do for your mind; some of them are just ways of thinking or pep talks. but if you can find one little piece of information or thought that makes you a little bit happier for a moment, that’s all i can hope for!

5-htp: okay first off- please ALWAYS consult your psychiatrist or medical professional before taking a supplement! taking 5-htp with, for example, serotonin-increasing medications can lead to a fatal illness called serotonin syndrome. personally, i started taking it because i had been on 10 mg prozac for a few months. it definitely dulled a lot of my anxiety and had a lot of positive aspects to it, but it dulled them almost too much to the point where i felt apathetic and detached from myself and the situations i was in. i was in a very unhealthy relationship and felt like i needed my mental clarity and “overthinking” processes back in order to identify what i was feeling and how to deal with it. i felt a lot more “sensitive” after coming off it, which was actually really welcome for me at first, but then it sort of dropped off into withdrawals. i was having constant panic attacks and crying very often. after a while, i was debating going back on prozac, but remembered i had taken 5-htp before. 5-htp is an amino acid that is a direct precursor to serotonin being produced in the brain. when u eat turkey, tryptophan is converted into 5-htp which leads to your brain producing serotonin, thus why you feel calm and happy afterwards. after taking 5-htp for just a few days, ranging between 200-300 mg per day (again, do your research, ask your doctor, and start small) i stopped crying constantly and really felt this sense of calmness and wellbeing but without the detachment and apathy i felt with prozac. i could still think clearly but didn’t feel overly sensitive to every emotion which arose. personally, it is really a lifesaver and really does make a noticeable difference.

cognitive behavioral therapy: ive tried therapy a million times. well okay, like 5 or 6 different therapists. at its worst, therapists told me i needed to use my sexual power as a woman in order to get what i wanted from men, told me i’m bad at socializing and should do group therapy, said my mom shouldn’t have encouraged me to “be myself” when i was younger because it made me less likeable than if i had conformed to normal societal standards of dressing. i had gone to “therapists” who claimed to be trained in CBT, but when i told them about my experiences with dissociation, the only feedback i got was to “take more baths.” while going through a few unpleasant experiences in my personal life, i decided i should try CBT once more, but like the real kind. i found an ivy-league educated licensed psychologist (NOT a “licensed clinical social worker�� who doesn’t even have a psychology degree!!) who SPECIALIZED specifically in cognitive behavioral therapy. just after the first session, i was so elated with my experience. as opposed to just telling me that i needed to be more normal or more kind or a better person, she tried to identify WHAT was making me feel that way about myself in the first place. she pointed out the positive things i do and reassured me i was kind, good, and deserving of good things. she pointed out many aspects of my situation that would have taken me days or weeks to come to on my own. i’ve realized my hubris isn’t that i’m not socially acceptable or not perfect enough, but its just that i tend to THINK that i am these things despite having no evidence of it. so, over time with therapy, my positive self image about who i am as a person has grown and strengthened and i dont just randomly feel like a bad human being anymore lol. moral of the story, if you wanna do therapy but it keeps sucking, dont give up. go to a legit psychologist, find someone who specializes in the type of therapy you’re seeking, and also be vocal during your sessions. stand up to your psychologist when they continually push a narrative onto you, and explain why you don’t agree with it. sometimes it’s their job to try different narratives to see what fits, and if you just passively let them say what they want to, you’ll never find the truth of your experience! it’s a communal effort! therapy isn’t usually a magic cure-all where one session fixes everything that goes awry in your brain. but if you find someone who knows what they’re doing they can in fact really help your thought processes become less twisted up and more clear and healthy.

meditation and mindfulness: a few weeks ago i felt anxious and overly driven to get things done to the point where i spiraled into a space of guilt or a panic attack over not getting enough things done. meditation can be so so helpful here. it’s better to spend an hour sitting and doing nothing, but doing it peacefully and then calmly moving on to doing something else, than to spend 5 hours stressing yourself over every single thing you need to get done and how much time you’re wasting. the things that need to get done will get done. another thing that i’ve realized and say to myself a lot is: “focus not on doing all things perfectly, but on doing the small things well.” by this i mean, stop thinking about the 20 things you need to get done and how it all needs to be perfect, but instead take your time with the task that presents itself as most beneficial right now and focus on enjoying it and giving your whole self to the process. for example, stop thinking about how you need to clean your room, your closet, donate clothes, take a shower, take out the trash, read, workout, etc. think to yourself; “which task would bring me the most joy right now?” if the answer is taking a shower, then take that damn shower. bring your speaker into the bathroom, scrub every inch of your scalp with shampoo, scrub your feet and behind your ears and your neck with body wash, brush the conditioner through your hair fully. you may end your shower with 19 other things to do, but god damn if you can’t enjoy a single one of them and be present for it, what’s the fucking point! go light a candle and bask in its glow, go make your bed and huddle up in your neatly arranged covers, go take a long bath or a thorough shower, and be proud of and content with that today. 

relationships, with others and yourself: okay, if you missed the memo, my ex-boyfriend sucked. like genuinely was a bad person. he was a drug dealer, so that’s red flag number 1 (which i ignored of course), he hadn’t graduated high school (he was 18, i was 20, he was supposed to graduate the last semester but refused to do the work and ignored me and his mother when encouraged to do it, which is uhh definitely red flag number 2 which i also ignored), he habitually did not show up for dates on time or lied about what he was going to do or what he did (literally everything he did was a red flag and i rlly ignored all of it). the worst part was how he responded when i worked up the courage to speak to him about it. if we had agreed upon a time for our date but he showed up literally 8 hours late, he would blame it on me because i “could have called” him, or that i was “demanding too much of” him, or that i “should have said something earlier so now [i was] just dragging it out because it already happened.” basically, whatever narrative he pushed at me, i eventually gave into. i’ve dealt with gaslighting in a relationship before and a part of me knew what was happening to me, but a part of me also kept having hope for him, kept empathizing with him, kept wanting to believe in him. after a bit too much time, i finally realized you have to trust yourself, empathize with yourself, and believing in yourself over anyone else. at first i felt bad for him not being able to graduate because i had my own struggles with high school and getting work done. i thought he may have issues but he deserves someone to be there for him because i wanted someone to be there for me. despite the pain and stress he was causing me, i sat around crying over him because i cared about him and tend to over-empathize with people close to me, whether they deserve it or not. my therapist told me something that at first i did not understand, but over time came to grasp in its entirety: “some people do not deserve your love or kindness.” after our first session, my homework was to “consider when you are being kind and when you are being taken advantage of.” this made me realize that what feels like your instinctual nature to be nice to others, can in fact be a self-sabotaging unfair action, depending on the other person’s response. i might be dishing out a lot right now, but bear with me. think of it this way: you regard an action as a “kind action”. you might think “kind actions” include: forgiving someone for large mistakes, putting someone’s needs over yours, sparing them some change when they ask for it, listening to the problems they are dealing with every day. BUT when their actions include not forgiving you for minor mistakes, not giving a sh*t about your needs or considering them, not caring how much money they take from you and how much money you need to have around, or habitually glossing over your problems because it doesn’t benefit them to care, THEN those actions you performed are NOT “KIND ACTIONS” anymore. the act of continuing to give them leeway is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of giving them money is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of buying into their story at the expense of your sanity, is now the act of being taken advantage. basically, all i’m saying is START PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST AND TRUSTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND. 

ending thoughts: i know quarantine is difficult right now. the desire to grow contrasted with the inability to move. maybe try and follow that old 2008~ quote; “bloom where you are planted”. you might not be able to reach the goals you thought you would during this time. you might not be able to run a marathon or make a bunch of new friends or wake up at 6 AM to workout or redo your bedroom or get a rhinoplasty or join a gym or get an internship. working towards productivity might be unrealistic right now. but you can work everyday towards becoming the woman you want to be, mentally. you can work on learning to be content, learning to make the best with what you have, learning to appreciate the little things, learning to slow down. these are all qualities that i for one want to have just as much as i want to be attractive or successful. if you can’t enjoy success, what’s the fucking point! life is on pause right now, take this moment as a gift and consider your internal world and what parts of your mind need a makeover. there are horrible things happening in the world right now, do what you can to help, but if you’re safe and healthy then be grateful for the things you can learn from this difficult time. take it slow, but keep moving forward! 

[marowreck-archive]

boy juice chronicles

i forgot to do this for 2 whole months. anyway. big one this time

these have been some fun months. I’m filled with anxiety due to everything related school and all shit but transition stuff has been nice. actually im late for this shot so ill take it at friday. ill shove here some random ass points in no particular order because im not in the mood to write pretty words any soon due to school stuff

main stuff first so! i havent been noticing any changes i havent reported so far so these are still the basics: body hair darkening, voice fucky (christmas cracker edition), i think maybe strenght?? i havent used a single drop of muscle for the past month or so so i have no idea, i AM gettin chubbier on a more dude way, which is annoying because i dont wanna gain any more weight but im fine with it. my cousin has pointed out i seem taller and id love it if it was true!!! ill measure myself soon. bottom dysphoria has gotten bigger while it was completely nonexistent before starting hrt, which checks out with what everybody says :’)

ive been doing voice training just for the laughs of it and it’s pretty fun! both fem and masc voice are very nice to do! singing is getting a bit easier cuz my voice seems to have stabilized a tad more i guess! my fave part so far is the voice!!! its one of the changes i was hoping for the most

im at this point where people just roll with whatever gender and name i tell them. i have a pretty feminine dude appearence and my voice on its normal register is androgynous at the best, so i can literally just go with whatever sort of presentation and people will just. go with it, no questions asked. my nb ass finds it very amusing.

ive changed my name again from iago to Lago because i want to be as inconvenient as possible.

i got some new clothes and ive been matching stuff and boy do i love mix stuff around!!

now for the bad points whatever might they be:

my head hair is still absolutely fucked with no signs of going back to normal and this is kinda sad and also filling me with aditional anxiety lmao. i dont know if this is because testosterone specifically, hormonal imbalance or just plain old stress. either way i dont like it!!!!!! anyway, i wanna grow my hair out again because i miss looking like a lil lion and i hope as time passes, it fills in again, cuz seriously its not even in pattern baldness at all????? its all over and ugly as shit, even my eyebrows are fucked.

the weirdest thing is that im having lots of self doubt but its the kind of self doubt that makes no sense at all. my brain is legit going at me like “U SHOULD STOP YOUR TRANSITION AND JUST BECOME A NICE LIL LESBIAN ALREADY” but sir we are p much gay. we are attracted to men and other enbies, we literally do not date women. we have literally never IDed as a lesbian. theres a t/rf living in my brain and im trying to strangle her to death because she makes no sense and thats just more anxiety into my poor poor head lmao

but yeah, i indeed dont plan to go on t for my entire life, ive talked to my doctor about it and she said its totally doable! i wanna go for at least one year to get as many perm changes i should expect to happen (specially voice and some body hair, specially face) and then maybe if i feel like it go for an extra year! 

[flamesoftheresistance]

I’M THE GOOD GUY PT 2 Poe Dameron X Reader

Part 2 of “I’m the good guy” mostly because these two cuties @mockingjays-and-mahogany​ and @satsuma-livewasp-nightmares​ wanted it. 

Pairing: Poe Dameron X First Order! Reader

Warnings: mentions of abuse and torture

Word count: 1609 words

Not a day had gone by where you didn’t think of Poe. He was so different than what you believed the Resistance to be, however who ever it was that shot you that day surely brought most of your assumptions to truth. Being back at the First Order base was harder than you had imagined, as soon as you returned back to you station you were greeted with the presence of both Kylo Ren and General Hux.

‘So they just let you go?’ asked the General raising his eyebrow at your dismal state.

‘I escaped.’ you stressed, eyes slightly afraid.

‘Funny, how the storm-troopers here reported that you went back to the site of the crashed X-wing and then happened to have taken hostage. Care to elaborate?’ Hux inquired.

‘He was using a public channel and calling for help from any nearby allies, claiming to be the best pilot of the Resistance. I went back to finish the job.’ you said proudly.

‘Have her interrogated, I’ll personally come visit if you don’t get anything out of her. That pilot is more dangerous than we believe him to be.’ ordered Kylo Ren as the storm-troopers dragged you to a cell.

Everything was happening so fast that you had no idea on how to feel. The First Order had been your everything. You had vowed to give your all to their cause and yet this was what you got. Sure, you were different and had significantly different methods of execution of plans, but that in no way meant that you should be disrespected like this.

‘You’ll stay a few days in here without food and the truth will come out itself.’ said the storm-trooper who was your inferior and yet he had the audacity to talk to you like that. 

‘It’s okay, you have nothing to hide. You didn’t do anything wrong. You did not fail the cause of the First Order.’ you told yourself, trying not to cry.

Time-skip brought to you by the Millennium Falcon going into hyper-drive

Poe felt uneasy and he couldn’t understand why. He was awaiting orders from General Leia, about a mission to Jakku. Upon receiving his orders, he got to know that he had to retrieve from Jakku, a map that led to Luke Skywalker. 

Once on Jakku, things went downhill quite fast as the First Order attacked and Poe had to send BB-8 away with the map, and he himself got captured. He didn’t remember much apart from being dragged on board the ship after his terrifying encounter with Kylo Ren and the way he had stopped a shot from his blaster mid air.

When he came to, his face hurt severely. He opened his eyes to be met with Kylo Ren. 

‘I didn’t know we had the Resistance’s best pilot with us. Comfortable?’ he questioned.

‘Not really.’ spat Poe.

‘I'm impressed. No one has been able to get out of you what you did with the map.’ he stated.

‘You might wanna rethink your techniques.’ Poe sneered.

‘Oh, but I did. I’ve been going through that head of yours for quite a while.’ smirked Kylo as the door to the interrogation room opened.

‘Bring her in.’ he ordered.

Poe saw you being brought into the room, your face covered with bruises and you looked like you were struggling to barely stand. There was blood on the side of your forehead and mouth, a black eye, the rest of you showed many signs of torture. Yet you looked him in the eyes, with the kindest emotion you could manage to muster.

Kylo grabbed you by the hair and brought his light-saber dangerously close to your neck.

‘Where is it?’ he demanded and Poe now looked visibly frightened. 

‘You won’t get anything out of me. Nice order you’ve got going on here, turning on your own.’ Poe stated boldly. 

‘She has such a pretty face, it’ll be a shame if it were to be ruined.’ he grinned burning your cheek with his light-sabre.

Your screams filled Poe’s ears as his mind started panicking like crazy, the hadn’t prepared him for this. His mind was equipped to fight against a mind probe but no one expected his heart to be the one to give him away. 

‘A droid, on Jakku. Perfect.’ he grinned letting you go and throwing you towards Poe.

He turned around and walked out of the room, without looking back as he said.

‘Enjoy your last moments together, you execution awaits you.’ 

The moment the door closed, you rushed to free Poe from his restraints. 

‘I’ve got you, here let me help.’ you said through a blurry vision, helping up and leaning his weight against yourself.

‘You’re hurt.’ He said cupping the other side of your face and turning it to him.

‘No, you’re hurt I’m just scratched.’ you smiled weakly.

Suddenly the door wooshes open, and a trooper guard enters along with a storm-trooper. 

‘Ren, needs the prisoners.’ he says to the  trooper guard.

With a blaster to your backs, he leads the two of you down a narrow hallway.

‘Listen carefully: you do exactly as I say, I can get you out of here.’ says the storm-trooper.

‘Why are you helping us?’ asks Poe and you looked at the trooper.

‘FN-2187′ you smiled at him.

‘This is a rescue, can you fly a TIE fighter?’ he asked looking at Poe.

‘I can fly anything’ replies Poe.

‘Hey, I’m actually here, been flying a TIE since forever?’ you asked, obviously offended.

‘You’re hurt.’ they reply in unison and you just roll your eyes.

FN-2187 took the two of you past a few guards and then to the main hangar, where you found a two man special forces TIE fighter.

‘This is for two people.’ you groaned as FN-2187 looked worried.

‘We’ll just make do sweetheart.’ said Poe as the three of you rushed in.

The scenario inside was rather uncomfortable, you and Poe both took the seat for the pilot, Poe mainly on the seat of you seated on his right leg with your legs between his to give him enough room to move.The TIE Fighter lifts off from the bay, and rips charging cables! Storm-troopers unpack and aim mega-blasters at the ship as it pull out of the hangars. 

‘Woooahhh! This thing really moves. All right, we gotta take out as many cannons as we can or we're not gonna get very far!’ grins Poe.

He aims the ship in a way that FN-2187 gets clear shots at most of the cannons.

‘YES.’ you all yell in unison.

‘Ugh that was great, whats your name?’ he asked FN-2187. 

‘FN-2187.’ he replied.

‘FN-whaaat?’ Poe asked, obviously confused.

‘FN-2187.’ you replied.

‘That’s it, I’m calling you Finn.’ he said loudly before turning to you, ‘and you’re (y/n). We good?’

You just smacked the side of his head lightly.

‘Dumbass.’ you giggle.

‘We’re we going?’ Finn asked slightly worried.

‘Back to Jakku.’ replied Poe.

‘BACK TO JAKKU?’ you and Finn yell in unison?

‘Yes, we need to go back for BB-8, my ship is there too.’ Poe states.

Whilst entering into the atmosphere of Jakku, your ship suddenly starts getting fired on from behind. You were being attacked.

‘Ugh I’ve had it with crashing.’ you grown as all three of you try to escape your inevitable fate.

After ejecting, you find yourself in the hot sand, in a whole new world of pain. You get up trying to look around but can’t see anyone.

‘Poe? Finn?’ you scream. 

‘This is just great.’ you groan in frustration kicking the sand.

‘(Y/n)!’ you hear from a distance, a figure running to you. 

‘POE!’ you cry, running up to him as he engulfed you in a hug. You held onto him for dear life even if every inch of your body was in pain.

You noticed a figure moving towards and suddenly were on guard. They looked like a scavenger.

‘I’m Naka Lit.’ he introduced.

After Poe and you explained what had happened, he was so impressed by your stories that he offered to give you a ride. You were going to the Nima Outpost where suddenly other scavengers began to shoot at you. Poe taking the pilot’s seat expertly maneuvered all of you out of that situation. Naka took the two of you to his merchant friend.

‘I’m Ohn Gos.’ he introduced.

‘(y/n)’ you smiled taking his hand, leaving the man flustered.

Even if you were in a dismal state you could charm your way out of situation. Poe simple looked at you in child-like wander.

‘I really need to find my X-wing so we can get out of here.’ Poe pleaded.

‘I would help but I have reason to believe that its on Yavin IV’ sighed Gos.

‘YAVIN IV’ the two of you exclaim.

‘I would gladly help transport you there.’ offered Gos which you accepted.

The two of you were taken to a room where you were offered food and a chance to freshen up. 

‘Looks like we’re in a bit of an adventure.’ grinned Poe.

‘We sure are.’ You said packing something in your backpack.

‘What you got in there?’ he questioned.

‘Supplies, courtesy of Gos.’ you smiled.

‘Ofcourse.’ he chuckled.

He suddenly took your hand and looked at you.

‘It might be dangerous, how about I go alone and come back for you. You deserve a break (y/n).’ he sighed.

‘As if, I partly got us into this mess. I’m definitely getting us out of it.’ you smile, determined.

‘You really are something else aren’t you.’ he grinned as you walked out of the room, ready to go to Yavin IV. 

Authors Note: heeeeeyyyy guys, I legit wrote this while taking an online class for Religion and Politics lol, I love you all that much. 

[limelocked]

Naruto OCS???? Do tell us about them

oh now youve got me started!

i made a post about their history (very general) in this post so ill talk more about their personalities and things that stand out about them cuz i love them

so the tldr is that they’re an off shoot of the uchiha clan from the first great ninja war when yokumo fucked straight off from konoha due to 75% paranoia that turned to 99% paranoia when he left but cant go back now! hed be a rogue nin! so he settles down in the land of grass with Asaro the most best girl character ive ever made. She’s a tailor/seamstress/weaver in this tiny village and she just radiates chill, shes been your mom friend since grade 2 and will continue to be your mom friend until death

yokumo is Stressed and Strict because my dude has the sharingan so when they have three kids (not at the same time hot damn) he decides like any good parent to just refuse to let them use their eye powers at all (note: this is probably not a good parenting tecnique)

tenjo is the oldest daughter and she idolizes her dad so fucking much dude and shes fighty, boy pulls her hair and gets an ass whopping , shes the queen of the village kids but with different leading skills than her mom. she legit saw yokumo use jutsu ONCE and went “oh hell yeah time to be ninja”

yokumo said no

jiyuro is the middle kid and he just vibes dude, hes a normal easy going kid that reaps the reward of being the sibling of the queen of kids, hes also the kind of bastard that can and will use his sharingan to cheat in exams, something he can only pull of thanks to the babiest brother 30 under 30 ninja luminary chiban who cant use the sharingan but damn is that boy neck deep in genjutsu training

chiban put like all his dnd leveling towards genjutsu and some taijutsu so he wouldnt mcfucking die in the middle of a fight in the event that his genjutsu fails. his illusions are amazing tho and real specialised, he can make you believe that those eyes? those red eyes with weird dots in em? yeah totally normal, you didnt see shit. the same with cuts and bruises, dude specialices in detailed genjutsu instead of haha you got caught in a plant or some of the other ridiculus shit naruto characters do

now tenjo gets married not once, not thrice but two times, first time to your local imported bitch boy hatsunaio ha’ame whos playing the longest con in existance aka he “falls in love” with tenjo and gets married, has a kid, all so he can confirm that the clan has the sharingan to report back to konoha cuz that aint right, sharingan outside of konoha and even more sharingan outside a hidden village

fear not tought! imported asshoe gets killed by tenjo with the sweet loot of the mangekyou sharingan and Trauma!

her second marrage is 4-5 years later with drinker of respecting woman juice Tsumashin Aishika who had been a family friend since a bit after ha’ame got what was coming to him. Aishika is super patient and just Kind Man, if only he was stupid and buff he would be a himbo but he’s average and kinda smart so Good Dad will have to do. He likes to read and is a wood worker.

Tenjos kids are a fucking story too, btw hope you wanted a long long post cuz youve really gotten me started now

Renge, the kid she had with Ha’ame, is the oldest and she doesnt remember her dad at all, shes been called a clone of her mom with the fightyness and the “wow cool! need to learn that!” reaction to jutsu. Shes impulsive if shes on her own and the worlds biggest glass canon in a fight because she has trash chakra stores and the impatience to skip on learning to distrobute it properly, she also has the vibration style kekkei genkai (lightning + wind) which just eats up her chakra 

first kid with Aishika is Hotoki whos like her mom but EXTREME, shes the naruto of the kadzuki fam, impatient, a brat and ready to throw down instantly, shes stubborn as fuck and she wants to be the Tsukikage, a position that doesnt exist for a village that doesnt exist in a land that already has a hidden village. her family is supportive tho

last kid is Makuto whos one of only three kids in this clan thats youngler than naruto. his life starts of great by killing his mom with complications during birth giving him absolutly no problems down the road, nope, haha. Hes pretty reserved and likes his grandmas craft better than his grand dads so he takes up tailoring and later pottery, hes a fast learner 100% because of the sharingan

then we have jiyuros wife Pantama Hoshi, shes friend shaped and radiates chill like asaro. they met while team one (aka tenjo, jiyuro and chiban) was out at another town for a mission. shes a gardener and grows medicinal herbs along with real good flowers. theyre by far the most calm parents in the family and basically became foster parents for Tenjos kids once she died so yes, they have two dads. Hoshi can and will support you in anything thats not plain out stupid

Jiyuros first kid is Nishi whos good and cautious, shes the single kid in the budding team 2 that thinks things through properly before doing something, but too much, shes a pesemist, and probably has anxiety, on the upside all of the plans shes involved with goes without a hitch because she provides endless “what if bad thing happens” scenarios, in the downside plans take so much longer because of said what ifs, she specialises in sealing and summoning but really really wants to be a medical ninja because you see what if someone gets hirt! what if renge becomes dumb bitch during a mission and gets hurt because shes a glass canon

the second kid is Takuhi whos the mediating voice of reason that pushes Renge to listen to what ifs and makes Nishi remember that sometimes improv is whats needed during a mission, hes on the cautious until proover otherwise side. He hangs out with Yokumo a lot and is slowly inhereting his paranoia and or world waryness

TIME FOR MY FAVE BRANCH

Chibans family is amazing because i love them, his wife Yamatora Seiho, usually called by her last name, is an ex shinobi from the land of grass (she freaked Tenjo out a bunch after the Ha’ame bullshit went down) thats just so fucking done with the kage and government so she went to do that good good farming cottage core life but shes really not suited for it. shes ready to throw the fuck down at any time but shes also kind to her kids and real serious

she also had a previous marrage that ended in good ol murder (not her killing her husband for once in this clans history) but basically she took her at the time 5 y/o son Usagi with her and Chiban said fuck it join the family instantly

Usagi feels so fucking left out tho cuz he wants to be included in the playing the other kids do but he cant manage to care about that whole ninja thing plus he doesnt have eye powers and just why bother, so instead he goes to Asaro and asks her to be his teacher, he also becomes a barber in the town because my god did Jiyuro really just almost cut his sons ear off???

THEN THE TWINS!!

Hikame and Yorukoi are twin girls and the other two that’re younger than naruto in the clan, theyre 9 when hes 12. They spend their time usually together or with Hotoki and Makoto since Usagi is 13 years older than them and Renge, Nishi and Takuhi are team 2 on missions a lot. Yorukoi really loves animals and looks up to Nishi because holy shit mom she can summon animals with only a lil blood holy fuck meanwhile Hikame likes art and drawing the aimals Yurokoi comes sprinting home to tell everyone she found

The twins and Hotoki will make up Team 3 just as soon as Yokumo lets them because oops a few years ago the whole konoha branch of the uchiha got fucking annihilated and we might be next.com 

[survivor-iceland]

Ep. 12 - “Take these results back I don't fucking want them” - Timmy

Timmy

So I wasted my idol, but I'm not as sad as I thought I would be about it. If Maynor had gotten more votes and I didn't use it then I would've been devastated, so this is a much better alternative. We're both still here and we accomplished our goal of completing another blindside. The difficult part is towards the end game of differentiating my moves from his. This game I have tried to be more social and I think I'm doing well with talking to people. The bond is weak but at least I'm still making an effort so it can't be said that I'm not. I knew Dylan was the biggest threat currently and I'm the one who found the idol and held onto it during many stress inducing tribal councils. At this point, I doubt I'm going to make FTC but I would really love to because I finally think I have played a game that deserves a win. I've made moves, caused fights, won fights, and blindsided people when they needed to be, yet was also an underdog for a few rounds. There is so much game left though because F6 is my downfall and it's going to be F6 for the next two rounds...so fuck my life. If I have to sacrifice my game for Maynor's though I will because seeing him sad breaks my heart so much more than losing this game will and I know how much he wants to win.

Maynor

I can’t believe that Dylan Raffy Ellie and Jack split 2-2 and had Joseph as their ‘fifth vote’. During the beginning of the day and afternoon i was defeated because felt like there wasnt a way for me and Timmy to stay. Then when Joseph and I started talking. We figured that they might be splitting their votes and wanting him on their side to be able to. So i blew up smoke to Raffy about how i was mad on how Joseph ghosted me and was rude. So he thought i was voting Joseph. But me timmy n i voted Dylan. I was so nervous that they were doing 3-1 and using Joseph to make it 3-2. But they screwed themselves again which was amazing and now its a 3-3 but feel like elli or raffy wouldnt want to go home by a rock. So crossing fingers f6 tribal goes our way.

Maynor

Im doing the 12 hr check in and honestly its kinda hard to remember when i cant have an alarm going for me while im at work. But will keep doing it until i it. Having the idol on our side would be great. Ive done the challenge but i need to like keep playing it cuz im not that good at it. My best score is 3,120 skdhshs thats not good i know that for sure. Need to keep trying on that one. I just hope me Timmy or joseph find the idol and keep trying at the challenge.

RaffyN

either Jack nor I got anything from the idol hunt which means that someone else has to have it. I must win this immunity or else I will literally being going next without having a chance of EoE. But I feel confident in this challenge because I am great at flash games. I'm aiming for 30k, but the goal is 50k. 

Raffy

I think Ellie and Jack are the most frustrating people that I've ever worked with in that they are always so paranoid and make these grandoise plans that never work out. I mean that's me. But I never knew how insufferable I was. The target is obviously me, yet that continuously drone on in their self-centered views of the game about how they are going to be targeted because they are the goats or whatever. At the end of the day, I just hope one of us wins immunity because that shit is needed right now.

Jack

So Raffy won immunity and Zoe's back and also has immunity. I'm 98% sure that the votes are coming for me this round, but maybe if we can get Zoe to vote with us? ugh idols also, I might play mine cause yeah.

Timmy

Take these results back I don't fucking want them. The fact that Raffy is immune was bad, but the fact that Zoe is back is so much worse. So I'm practically fucked now and I hate it. So much for having a 3-3 split. Honestly they should get rid of Joseph or Ellie since those two are goats and at least one of them will be at FTC so there are really only two seats left. If people wanted to be at FTC, they should get rid of them.

Jack

Okay so like Zoe immediately private messages when she gets back like "hey i wanna work with you, Ellie, and Raffy cause Maynor and Timmy were the ones that voted her out. I feel suddenly way more confident on this vote but also like ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. what if they do play an idol and then they be voting for me since zoe and raffy have immunity and ahhhhhhh

Raffy

I am so glad that Zoe is back in this game with immunity. This is an automatic number for me which she proves because she is asking me to be a part of any alliance I am in and who to trust. She's basically eating out of the palm of my hand. She was immediately added to Path of Crack which is me, Jack, and Ellie. We currently have the numbers on our side right now, and it feels amazing to be a winner. 

Joseph sent a message in the tribe chat that was meant to be passed to Jay which was an idol question that was like how to "show" people the idol to gain trust, but that's not how this works honey. He wants us to believe that he has an idol so that we freak out. So, our plan is to make Joseph fully believe it is him while actually voting for Maynor or Timmy. Plus I like pulling him through the wringer. After all, he's the rattiest person in this game and it feels so good to fuck him over. 

JackO

kay so plans set up, and I’m actually p confident in it. So we’re going to go for Maynor, but act like it’s actually a go for Joseph. Also Joseph did a thing where he sent a message to tribe chat like “hey jay how do you show someone you have an idol??” And I’m like *squint* cause there’s no way that’s legit right? Like he does NOT have an idol and he did not just send that shit by accident. And if he did WELL then good thing we’re NOT voting for him and just telling him that so maybe he’ll play it randomly. 

Jack

Okay so plans set up, and I’m actually p confident in it. So we’re going to go for Maynor, but act like it’s actually a go for Joseph. Also Joseph did a thing where he sent a message to tribe chat like “hey jay how do you show someone you have an idol??” And I’m like *squint* cause there’s no way that’s legit right? Like he does NOT have an idol and he did not just send that shit by accident. And if he did WELL then good thing we’re NOT voting for him and just telling him that so maybe he’ll play it randomly. 

Ellie

ELLIE MIGHT BE DOING A BLINDSIDE??

Raffy

 feel like someone has the idol because I checked 2/3 of the remaining paths and there is nothing there in either of them. Of course it could always be in the third one, but I highly doubt someone hasn't reached the end of the one. So, I am just going to have to play around it which is scary. My alliance wants to vote out Maynor, and I do too, but I have a suspicion that, if they have it, they will use it on him. I'm not sure what I am going to do because of all of this, but at least I have individual immunity around my neck. I think we should subvert expectations and vote Timmy out just because we've been spreading Joseph's and Maynor's name only. Honestly, I'll leave the best plan to Zoe and the others because I do not want to ruin this chance. However, I do not want to be stuck in a 3-3 deadlock again.

Timmy

I really have no idea if this plan is going to work. I want Jack out so bad since I’m not working with him and he doesn’t talk to me. I’m just hoping Ellie is going to do what she tells me, but that’s a longshot.

Timmy

Maynor has an idol!!! I am so happy. The issue is, who knows who the other side is voting for, but I believe that he can make it to F5 now.

Maynor

I cant believe i found the idol. Sidhdhd like its crazy. Thinking of playing it tonight. I am. I will be upset if somehow Timmy goes. I will go all out to take them out. I hope jack goes so itll atleast be a tie next round. I just want to keep Timmy and Joseph in this game. So nervous. Tribal like in a minute. Ajdbhss

Jack

Imma play my idol if someone plays an idol on maynor, because i trust that zoe and raffy and ellie arent gonna back stab me, but jesus i hope...... also im sending this now cause idk if i actually said that in confessional tho

Joseph Collins

Lolol. This. Is. A. Confession. Words words words

Joseph Collins

I developed a ploy to cause some rifts between the alliance of dyaln jack raffy and Ellie. They have an obvious 4-3 advantage, but Timmy might’ve talked some sense into Ellie that would make her flip on them. And vote jack out. If we pull this off, I would be so impressed. If I go home, the trick I pulled was worth it. 

Zoe

I CAME BACK FROM THE EDGE!!!!!!

Immediately I messaged Raffy and Ellie who seemed super happy to see me, and I made Raffy make a group chat with me, him, Ellie, and Jack, and now we have a sick majority. I trust Ellie the most, and I honestly want to take her to the end with maybe. Maybe Jack too. Tonight we are hoping in a big way that Maynor is the one who goes home, though we told Joseph that it was him because he will likely use his idol and tell others that we told him it was him.

Jack

So APPARENTLY RAFFY BE PLAYING IT UP AND I HOPE THATS TRUE, but yeah he (hopefully) is hopefully just playing. but yeah so i still stand by my very definitely not wishy-washy decision of Ellie cause that gurl was like rando flipping when i'm legit thinking we a final 3. but wowowowowow idk ill make a better confessional tomorrow.

[whateveriwantchannel]

Hidden (a Septiplier story, Chapter 2)

Mark’s POV I walked down the hospital hall quickly and opened the door. I was there, Jack was there, and he had no hoodie; I could see the wings as clear as day. “What are you?!” A guy in the hospital bed next to me started talking. “H-hello?” I turned to the guy in the bed. He was me. Jack just smiled at the half-conscious version of myself in the bed and flew off. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, Jack was back, standing near the window again. “Jack! ANSWER ME!” “H-hello?” the half-conscious me said again. For the second time, Jack smiled at the groggy me and flew off. I closed my eyes and opened them. My ceiling. I should've known… Why does this bother me so much?! Why can't I get that stupid hallucination out of my head?! I stopped my train of thought when I realized I was pulling my hair a bit too hard. I sighed and got out of bed. I got ready- clothes, hair, bookbag, etc., and then I went downstairs. “Honey?” my mother asked. “Are you okay? You seem a bit stressed…” I sighed. “Yeah, I’m fine, Mom.” “Okay. Just tell me if anything is wrong.” And after that short exchange of words I practically inhaled my breakfast, said goodbye, and ran to the bus. I know I'm being watc- WHY CAN’T I GET THAT THOUGHT OUT OF MY HEAD?!? Ugh… I looked out the windows. No one in the cars is looking at you. Chill. But I still couldn't shake the feeling I was being watched. It sent shivers down my spine. I gotta focus on something else other than a stupid superstition… I remembered a way to successfully distract myself, and did it: I texted a group chat that Felix, Bob, Wade and I were in. ‘Buenos dias mis amigos!’ Wade: ‘I’m not ready for Spanish this early in the morning…’ Felix: ‘¿Comó estás?’ ‘Asi asi…’ Bob: ‘I don't even take Spanish… I take Latin’ Felix: ‘Latin is DEAD bro’ Bob: ‘Yea, but it will help on the SATs’ Felix: ‘Ugh…’ Felix: ‘Speaking of tests, do we have any?’ Wade: ‘I don't think we do, but I have no idea about Bob’ Bob: ‘I have 3 tests today. Honors classes, woo’ Felix: ‘Sorry bro’ I turned my ringer off and looked out the window. I should get Jack's number… That thought brought me back to my dream. If I could just see Jack without that hoodie, then I could be completely sure that that was just a silly hallucination. I’ll ask if he can stay at my house, then tell him to relax and take off his hoodie. I just needed to be sure that what I saw was fake. My thoughts drifted from the plan to just Jack in general. He’s a nice guy… Looks nice too. He’s just nice all around. Does he even have flaws? I love that voice, I wonder what it would sound like scr- What the fuck brain?! Seriously, that’s MAJORLY fucked up… I’m fucked up. Nothing like hi- The bus stopped. My head hit the seat in front of me, shocking me out of my thoughts. I looked out the window and saw that the bus had stopped at school. I went out of the bus like all the other kids, then walked to homeroom. The one good thing about school is that I didn't feel like I was being constantly watched. Maybe the stalker was afraid he would be caught if he was on school property or something... Once I was in homeroom, Jack came in not a minute later. I asked him, and we exchanged phone numbers. “Can you also come over maybe tonight?” “Sure! I’d love ta!” Jack grinned, god I love that g- please stop brain. It’s annoying. “Great. Thanks. Uh… how’s your life going?” “Good, and yours?” “...okay…” “What happened?” “Just weird dreams, thoughts, fears... It kinda stresses me out.” Jack seemed to get more concerned, or… interested, in the conversation, watching me closely. He’s a good friend. “...What's so weird about them?” I couldn't tell him, he’d- he’d be scared of me... “Eh… it's nothing, really, just don't worry about it.” Jack let out a silent sigh and looked to the window. I know he's sad I won't share everything with him, but I just don't want him to think I'm insane... The bell rung, stopping my thoughts. "Hey bros!" Felix walked into the classroom. "...What's got you guys down?" That reminded me to smile. “Nothing really. Just there was nothing to make us particularly ecstatic in the first place.” Felix smirked a little. “Well, I’m here now, let the joy begin!” “You're an idiot Felix.” I facepalmed, but couldn't stop the smile underneath. “True. But admit it, I made you smile.” “Heh, yeah…” The one thing I could count on was that my friends were always able to make me smile… I looked over to Jack and he seemed a bit distanced, just staring blankly at me. Like he was bored or something. I realized he was usually looking at me; it was a bit weird… but I guess I didn’t mind. “You okay there, buddy?” I was a bit concerned about Jack. “Yea. I’m gonna go sit.” “Want us to sit with you or...?” “Do whatever you want.” I felt so bad neglecting Jack, even for a second… My grin dropped as Jack walked to one of the seats in the back. I really am clingy, jeez… Ignoring my thoughts, I turned to Felix. “We should sit by him.” “Don’t you spend like all day together?” “He seems sad.” “I can legit see you as a clingy boyfriend for Jack.” “I can legit see you as a shipper.” “Touche.” With that, we went to sit by Jack. He looked surprised, then pleased. I start to wonder what kind of machinations could be going on in his mind, if he was so pleased by me wanting to be near him... “Hey guys!” It was Wade. I greeted him back. “Hey Wade, get Spanish homework done?” Let me guess, no. “Nope! It’s still too early for Spanish.” Knew it. “It’s always either ‘too early’ or ‘too late’ for Spanish homework.” “Except for during class!” “And now I get why you’re barely passing.” “Hi Wade, Mark, Felix, Jack… Wow. Our friend group’s getting big.” Bob walked into the party of kids around Jack’s desk. “THE BRO PARTAY!” Felix threw his hands in the air. “The bigger the louder.” Mrs. Samantha grumbled from her desk. “I think Jack might be the quietest person here, though.” I said. “Everyone is quiet when they are new; for all we know he could get louder than Felix.” Mrs. Samantha responded again, before going back to working on her computer. “Man, that would be impressive.” The ‘bro partay’ continued talking aimlessly, until the second bell rang, signaling the end of homeroom. Jack and I stayed while Bob, Wade and Felix went to their classes. English was relatively fun; we watched videos about the book we were reading. In Spanish we went over homework and a project was announced. Jack wanted me to be his partner; I agreed. Jeez, he’s clingy too. It’s okay though; he’s fun to be around, funny, beau- BRAIN, NO… He’s coming to my house anyway; we’ll work on the project while he’s there. In Science we did a lab; in Social Studies we did the homework for tonight, and in Trig we did math. Finally, we had lunch. Felix was at this lunch, so we sat by him. As I ate, I felt a slight pain... Fuck! I forgot my meds this morning. It'll be alright if I take them as soon as I get home. Definitely before 7… It was Felix who noticed. “Jack? Are you going to eat?” I hadn’t realized it, but he wasn't eating. I had a mouthful of food, so I just stayed silent. “U-uh… No?” “Dude, you anorexic or something?” “Hell no! I’m just… not hungry. I had a big breakfast…” “Dude. Eat.” “I- can’t. I-” Jack looked at his hand and seemed to remember something. He sighed. “Can I tell you guys something?” “Of course!” I was the one to reply this time. “I ...am... fed by an IV… I kinda... get my nutrients in the nighttime.” He bunched up his hoodie sleeve, and showed us his IV puncture. It looked like it was fresh; not even a scab! With my experiences, the wound scabbed over within minutes, but it had been at least hours and his wound still hadn’t scabbed over; how can this be? “Jack, do you pick your scabs?” That was the most reasonable conclusion. “No…” “Why is that wound fresh?” “It just is?” “Do you have a problem that slows healing or something?” The next most reasonable explanation I could think of. “Um… Yeah. I do.” “Is that why you’re not doing PE?” I hadn’t read his doctor’s note, but a condition like that could have been on it. “...um, yeah.” The bell rung, ending our conversation, and we walked out of the cafeteria. Jack kept staring at me… like he was analysing the color of my skin or something… We walked to Study Hall, cringed during Health, and talked during Open Period, I was usually able to keep myself distracted from the slight pain. Jack and I went onto my bus, sitting in the same seat, next to each other. “Huh, I don’t feel like I’m being watched anymore. Weird.” “...weird. You felt like you were being watched?” “Yeah. Anytime I wasn’t in school, or around you, ‘cause when I'm in school I’m always with you.” I chuckled. “Heh, yeah.” “I really wonder how we got the exact same schedule.” “...who knows? At least you’re nice to be around.” “Same for you.” I chuckled a bit. He really is… fuck, pain. When we got to my house, I unlocked the door and we made our way to my room. I sat on the bed while Jack sat on my chair; we talked, blabbering on about school and the internet, until I remembered my plan. “Hey Jack, you might be more comfortable if you take off that hoodie.” “Uh… n-no thanks.” “Why not? Aren't you wearing anything under there?” I chuckled a bit. “Of course I am!” “But seriously, I’ve never seen you without your hoodie.” “Let's go for a walk!” “But you didn't answer my q-” “Come on!” I couldn't really object as he grabbed my hand and we went onto the sidewalk. “Jack, seriously, what the fuck are you doing?” “Getting fresh air.” “There's got to be another reason. Why are you avoiding taking off your hoodie?” “I… I’m just a bit… insecure, about… myself.” “Don’t be, I’m sure you look completely fine!” Probably looks hot as shi- will you ever stop harassing me, brain?! “Mark?” “O - OH. My brain just annoys me sometimes, that's all.” “Weirdo.” Jack chuckled I lo - stop, brain. “Says the one who won’t take off his hoodie.” We both chuckled as we turned the corner. “Yeah, yeah…” Jack said. “There's a ice cream shop about a block from here.” I said. “Want to go there?” “Yeah!” Jack answered. We went across the street and started walking along the sidewalk. “So, you were in the hospital?” Jack asked. “How do you feel after your abdominal surgery?” “How did you know I had an abdominal surgery?” “...School told me?” “Cool…” I groaned, realizing I hadn't taken my meds; my stomach was starting to really hurt. Fuck. “Dude, you okay?” “No… I… forgot to take my meds… I need to go back.” “Okay.” We turned back, Jack with a worried expression on his face, while I tried, and failed, not to groan occasionally. The pain was getting much worse. A few minutes later, my walk had almost turned into a stumble, my mind focusing on the pain and not anything else around. Jack pressed a button and started forwards across the road; I followed him slowly. “Mark… ya gotta move a little faster buddy.” Jack had gotten to the other side while I was only about a quarter of the way there. “Mark, seriously, move faster. The light’s turned green again.” “MARK!!!” I was halfway there… I think. Honestly, my vision was kinda blurry, but I swore I saw a car moving towards my direction, Jack starting to run, and then Jack taking off his hoodie. I was hit by a force at high speed. My body banged against the pavement.

[surveymeupmate]

Survey w/ ella

Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? e- no. not yet. no, dont put that 

k- defo not 

Looking back, did you ever think you would be where you are now? e- idk

k- in some ways 

Do you like someone? e- yes 

k- sadly

Is a best friend pissing you off right now? e- no, i luv em

k- no

Are you happier now or three months ago? e- probably now but only a tiny bit more 

k- defo three months ago lmao 

What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today? e- saw jack, it was good, it was nice 

k- ...

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? e- never

k- dead

Are you waiting for something? e- probably yeh

k- exams to be finished 

If you could change your eye color would you? e- nah i dont suit any others 

k- the ones that are like two colours or a brighter green 

What was the weather like today? e- shit

k- the usual 

Do you think you’ll be married in ten years? e- fuck knows 

k- hopefully not

Does your ex still love/like you? e- no

k- hahahahahahahahahah

Are you stubborn? e- yes 

k- depends

Do you tend to hold a grudge? e- depends, i can do 

k- depends 

Where were you at 9am this morning? e- in bed, not my bed but a bed 

k- same but my bed 

How has the week been? e- good? yeh, good.  a bad start but finished off great 

k- a rollercoaster 

Did you go out or stay in last night? e- went out, well i stayed in but not in mine

k- both

Something you do a lot? e- complain 

k- overthink

How many states have you lived in? e- 0

k- none

Can you commit to one person? e- yeh

k- not at the moment 

Who was the last person to hold your hand? e- jack 

k- tom :////

How many chances do you tend to give people before enough is enough? e- depends, like i dont have a specific 3 strikes and ur out 

k- same

Do you think you and your best friend will be friends in 10 years? e- i hope so

k- same 

What do you miss most about your ex? e- nothing cos we’re besties 

k- im not getting into this rn 

Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? e- yeh

k- nope 

What’s a fact about the last person you kissed? e- he loves oasis n he’s cute 

k- hes a dick

Something you really want right now? e-  *sexual thoughts* 

k- emotional stability 

e- yeah that would be nice as well

How long have you liked the person you like? e- a month but ive mega liked him for the past few weeks 

k- proper liked him since the 6th of may

Does any part of your body hurt right now? e- my side a tiny bit but not rly... actually i have a headache now i think about it

k- my throat 

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? e- yeh i think everyone saw me 

k- no 

Can you recall the last time you liked someone? e- yeh now 

k- same 

Are you happy with the way things are going? e- some of them 

k- not at all i want to die™

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? e- maybe 

k- hopefully not 

What plans do you have for tomorrow? e- dying and also being dead

k- same 

Has a friendship ended recently that you wish hadn’t? e- *shakes head*

k- idk man 

Ever given your ALL to someone who walked away? e- urm no

k- not my all but a bit

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? e- yeh only a few times, many times

k- yeah 

Do you and your last ex hate each other? e- no

k- no but we should 

When was the last time you were sick? e- like a week ago

k- maybe soon 

Are you one of those people who are always cold? e- no

k- yes 

Do you tend to waste a lot of money?

e-  probably

k- yes

Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

e- nooooo? 

k- yes 

When was the last time you got a haircut? e- a month or two ago

k- a while ago

Did you sing at all today? e- yeh 

k- yeh 

Would you rather be able to control the weather or control traffic? e- the weather cos i dont drive 

k- same 

Do you own any articles of clothing with skulls on it? e- noo?

k- i think i might ?

Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? e- typing, but it has to be a laptop

k- texting

If you won a trip to a nude beach would you go or give the trip away? e- give it away 

k- depends

In your opinion which is the stronger emotion: love or hate? e- fuck knows 

k- emotions are not real, simply chemicals to help us survive 

Tongue piercings - cute or trashy? e- neither, im not arsed 

k- idk man 

When it comes to jeans: skinny, flared or boot cut? e- skinny

k- same 

Would you rather be a star ballerina or a star break dancer? e- i want to say break dancer because they are cooler but being a ballerina is peng so in conclusion neither 

k- break dancer 

When it comes to Baseball would you rather be on the field or in the stands? e- in the stands

k- i rly dont give a shit about baseball tbh

I’ve got to know, who do you prefer: Mario or Luigi? e- Luigi, no mario, actually neither *goes on the name all the characters in the franchise*

k- idk man 

Have you ever changed clothes in a public area (not a dressing room)? e- probaly, yeh like on the beach 

k- yeh 

How many months apart is your birthday from your best friends? e- 4 and 1 

k- 4 

Yes or no: Techno music?

e- neither can it depends 

k- idk 

Yes or no: pigtails?

e- sometimes 

k- sure

They say diamonds are a girls best friend; what do you say? e- do they?

k- a lot of things 

Has anybody ever told somebody one of your secrets? e- well yeh

k- yeh

Have you ever kissed anybody who had a mustache? e- no 

k- i dont think so 

If you were famous do you think you could handle the popularity? e- i could but id get sick of the paparazzi 

k- maybe idk 

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a letter P? e- no

k- i dont think so 

Did you talk to one of your best friends today? What did you talk about? e- yeh loads 

k- shes legit in front of me rn 

Do you get on better with funny or serious people? e- funny

k- depends how im feeling but funny most of the time 

Do you have mood swings around the time of the month? e- yeh but i have them all the time 

k- maybe idk 

Have your friends met the last person you kissed? e- yeh

k- yeh 

How old is your oldest cousin? e- i am the oldest cousin so 17 

k- idk late 20s 

What if you saw your best friend holding hands with your ex? e- id be like katie why are you holding ur own hand lol 

k- i dont think she would tbh

Your last relationship, who dumped who? e- katie dumped me what a dickhead, wait we never actually broke up, katie im breaking up with u 

k- it was mutual, kind of 

How old were you when you had your first boyfriend/girlfriend? e- 16

k- 14 i think.

Is your home town nice? e- no, not the town center anyways, its a mess

k- its better than some places i guess 

What if you got stuck in a lift with the last person who Facebook messaged you? e- it would be fun ;)

k- idk man, it would be chill 

When/where did your last hug take place? e- in toms brothers bed this morning, more of a cuddle than a hug 

k- in toms doorway last night 

Do you consider yourself mature enough to make your own decisions? e- yeh

k-obvs 

Have your parents ever told you about their love lives, and any previous relationships they had before they met? e- yeh, i know my mums entire life 

k- a little bit

You get a text from someone saying that they want to hang out - who would you most like it to be from? e- dunno katie but obvs not rn 

k- ella probs 

Do you and your friends have any inside jokes? e- yeh

k- yeh 

Do you think someone has feelings for you? Are these feelings returned? e- yes and yes 

k- yes and no

What if the last person you texted were to ask you out? e- idk what this phrase means 

k- i would b like ella what about jack 

Do you believe in love at first sight? Explain. e- no

k- no

Would you prefer to be somewhere else right now? If so, where? And why would you prefer to be there? e- no

k- asleep  cos i love sleep but im happy chilling atm 

When you listen to music, do you ever find that the songs affect your moods and change how you feel? e- can do 

k- a lil bit

Can you remember what you dreamt about last night? e- no

k- i think it was something to do w/ shit that is stressing me out but i cant remember that well

[unproduciblesmackdown]

yall ive had some shit this shift...i got lectured and vaguely threatened for having to pee a lot which was coz i drink stuff thruout the day like coffee and tea which is Pee City and since ive been on deliveries steadily all day ill be gone on that for ages and have to pee when i get back as well as the other shit i do. like i was literally this afternoon joking w coworkers who are actually cool to me abt how i can be at work for hours before people who have been in the store the whole tkme will realize im even there coz im a) out on deliveries most of the time, like for real if its a busy lunch period i can be at work for 2-3 hrs and actually be in the store 10-20 min and b) when im here im moving around actually doing shit and people have always been saying how its hard to get ahold of me coz im always going around doing shit and thats another reason people dont realize im here and c) people just dont notice me so like today my freakin bad i had to pee a lot coz my only comforting routine in this place besides constant disassociation is working my way thru a drink and i happen to like both coffee and tea even tho it does make me pee and sometimes i get the coffee dumps, truth. so today since ive been in and out on deliveries the whole time and i havent been talking to anyone since none of the people who notice me were much here and since ive been moving around the store since im actually doing shit, i get yelled at for using the bathroom too much.... like i get the issue of people who give themselves Bathroom Breaks which realistically we all do but sometimes people do it too long or whatever and like yeah while im taking a shit i will check my twitter or make a shitpost or something, like we all use our phones throughout the day including the managers and im not gonna feel bad for doing that but i am not thrilled w being accused of using the bathroom needlessly when im using it coz i need to use it....and like not like i can prove im peeing every time coz i'd be glad to give you a urine sample every time but they prob dont want that.... anyways whats real good is how i was just talking the other day about how this one delivery driver who's been here forever and was just given like acknowledgement for being a good employee, i was talking w someone about how like he doesn't actually do shit, and i was like i try desperately to ignore him but now that you mention it i never see him doing anything really? and like if you ask him to do some basic shit we're Supposed to do he wont or he'll ask someone else to do it. and today he was here and when we were slow and i was like washing tables and taking dishes and making coffee I actually paid attention to him and he definitely would just like stand by the computer even tho we had no new orders and then walk to a different spot and then go back to the computer and then walk energetically somewhere else and i think a couple times i saw him carry a few dishes to the sinks. and he's fine and im doing shit and getting lectured for causing issue for not doing my work like granted this was from the same manager who once made me mad for getting on me for Slacking Off coz i was leaning on the bread slicer, which i was leaning on coz i was trying to read the order info on the computer next to it, and was also happy about because i was doing a lot of work that day more than even usual. and another driver complained about her doing that exact same thing aka complaining about Leaning when the driver had been working hard and i was like yep ive had that happen too like now i essentially cant use the bathroom because the fact that i keep myself busy means that most people, who have a tendency to not notice my presence even if i AM standing right there, legit dont know im there and nobody sees me doing any work coz they dont see me coz im doing god damn work........ im annoyed coz like i can think of maybe seven other employees who distinctly notice me and are cool with me and im cool with them, and most other employees are fine and decent to me and stuff but theres a couple people who are shitty including this one guy who just now was talking with this dude who i thought was a decent guy? and they were kind of making fun of me and i went up to the decent guy like hey i was actually right over there and totally heard you guys, coz i was not in the mood, and he just brushed me off and i was like fantastic. plus for some reason the manager who fussed at me decided to do it all formally right before i had to go on a delivery, and so i didnt get enough time to say everything on my mind about my Problems with the fact that this was occurring which i was absolutely going to do in full on account of i think its bullshit and im no longer in the mood in my general life to act like i think that kind of bs is warranted, but before i could talk about it long enough i felt like id said everything i wanted to, she was like ok u gotta go on the delivery and im like you still havent given me that $60 you forgot to cash me out and you're allowed to say what you want and i cant respond? i get that mgmt is bullshit and i had just been talkingn about how mgmt is bs a couple days ago but i just dont care for me personally i am going to answer back. and because of being abused all my life a lot of times i have an automatic response to these kind of situations where i try to speak back and the stress just naturally makes me cry and then i gotta be like sorry im crying its a physiological reflex i earned for being alive. and now that you rushed me out to make a delivery i have to be trying not to cry at work, and extend my cryish period by having to try holding it back, and also extend it on account of im still got damnt pissed about it like god knows im not one to praise myself beyond reason but im a good worker here and ironically that means people might not ever notice it and I've definitely never heard a good word from management about anything i do since i dont even know when and instead i get in trouble coz one day i have to pee, coz other days i also have to pee coz i have established one comforting habit to get through customer service bs where i get weird treatment from other coworkers at least once a day usually and sometimes dont even have a work friend around and so my fucking bad i have coffee i guess like apparently my fuckin problem is that im both quiet almost all the time and keep to myself but also sometimes joke with people or say something to them at all just to be nice coz other coworkers are quiet and dont get shit from people or are always in a less than warm mood and dont get shit about it. i close tomorrow aka there for 10-11 hrs but at least a coworker im work friends with and who has a similar demeanor is around for most of it or i swear to christ. hopefully i ever deliver to someplace with a fucking bathroom coz i guess i cant god damn use ours anymore without being monitored coz im not a good enough worker natcho like i just dont know how im supposed to have my bladder on trial and if managers are only noticing that i pee more than them and not that i do work all day and extend myself to help out when things get dicey, well then like if nobody sees it i sure dont have proof i did it other that remember that time we had a massive dinner rush and i stayed an hr past my shift and was not only the sole person taking food to the tables but also taking dishes back and washing tables and restocking junk in the dining room, no you don't remember because nobody was working beside me and so as far as everyone else knows i did nothing and so anyways too theres nothing for someone with anxiety who worries about being monitored and judged like telling me ive been monitored and judged and now i cant pee anymore, that'll teach me to give myself one nice thing thru-out the day. i also dont have anything to rely on to comfort me after something shitty at work and tragically work is most of my socialization and most of the only thing i "do" and i feel like im being treated kind of crap for the fact that i do put in effort every day to be helpful around there. like thanks that i have to bite the inside of my mouth now coz im trying not to stress / angry cry coz i have nowhere to put it. like i dont care if this manager thinks this shit is part of the job like i deal with enough shit in life right now to Not be angry about this. like boy you guys are really making it hard to think about having to leave this store when i haul off to a different area in just a bit and i honestly dont know about the fact that some people especially this one guy who is just a dick to like everybody keep saying shit comments about me coz they cant see me and im like fuck off. like im honestly sick of it and im sitting on the fact that this dude also has said racist crap ive been an audio witness too and said something racist about a coworker to her face and she told me about it like. management is part of what i'm mad at right now but if im getting narced on for the fact coffee and tea go right thru me then i think i have a complaint here whenever the next time he says some shit is like when i'm here i honestly keep to myself and try to be doing work whenever we need work done and apparently thats why im now getting shit and sorry this post exists and is so long but im real peeved and the only way to put a long rant from me about shit anywhere is to put it here

[inadeepanddarkdecember]

[[ this is kinda rambly and piecemeal and out of order since its an edited convo off of discord from before cy’s heart got replaced, but i decided i wanted this Extra Large thalassemia infodump on my blog. go read this primer first for basic info on thal; cyrus’s form is beta thalassemia major. ]]

even with a perfectly healthy and functional heart, cy'd still have a too fast pulse and likely have arrhythmias; that comes with the territory of his anemia, and he could still develop heart failure again later in life. the problem with cy's current heart is that its been scarred to shit by the extra iron in his body from his blood transfusions and hes developed cardiomyopathy as a result, which at this point is virtually guaranteed to kill him before he turns 30, even if he takes perfect care of himself and never develops any other complications from his thalassemia ever (which aint fuckin likely). this failing heart just deals worse with arrhythmias he already has, especially under stress, and already struggles to keep up enough blood pressure.

bone marrow transplants are currently the closest thing to a cure for thalassemia we have and hellll no he has not had that done i doubt hes even on a waiting list. with his shit in the state hes in, its questionable if he'd even survive the process its pretty intense, nevermind the finances and healing and finding a match and even so much as qualifying to have it done.

cyrus goes in for a blood transfusion every three weeks. when transfusion dates get close, within a few days, hes more tired; he doesnt go out; he can be moodier; he can get headaches and dizzy spells. he feels best after a transfusion, then its just a slow decline till the date rolls around again. i tend to rp him within a week or two of being transfused most of the time simply bc its easier to get him out there interacting with people.

sometimes they coincide with transfusion dates, sometimes they don't, but he has longer appointments to check up on his other bodily functions every so often. theres general stuff, looking at his counts, then more specialized appointments to keep an eye specifically on his heart or check up on his liver and other organs as needed.

thalassemia by itself kills a person through not having enough blood to get oxygen around the body; this is solved through blood transfusions. chronic anemia means chronic transfusions. which would be fine! except chronic transfusions cause a build-up of iron in the body, and that shit is toxic and where the more fatal complications tend to stem from for thalassemia patients. also, being anemic means your body thinks it needs iron, so it's prone to absorb more from food than the average person, an added bonus. consequently, there are certain foods cyrus avoids. legumes, dark leafy greens, etc. look up any list of iron-rich foods, and thats a list of shit cyrus ought to be avoiding or indulging rarely. (funnily enough, these lists also are often advertised towards anemic people because those who arent transfused have the opposite problem.) part of his tea drinking habit is because tea inhibits iron absorption, along with he just likes it. coffee works too and he doesnt object to it, but he prefers tea.

another consequence of chronic transfusions is that you end up with a lot of old shitty dead blood cells in your system, and your spleen is left to clean it up. unfortunately, when faced with that much to clean, it can enlarge (splenomegaly) and become overactive (hypersplenism). so it starts removing healthy blood cells too quickly and too early, which can cause the anemic patient to need more blood when being transfused, which risks more iron, and not to mention its generally uncomfortable for the patient with the enlarged spleen. in short, this happened to cyrus, so his spleen has been removed. spleens, however, also play an important role in the immune system, so he was already kinda vulnerable as an anemic, but having no spleen makes him doubly at risk of infections. he takes antibiotics as part of his daily pharmaceutical regime.

during cold and flu season, docs tend to strongly suggest he wear surgical masks during school and whenever hes around a lot of people in public places, but he almost never does. he doesnt like the attention it gets him esp in school, but sometimes he'll do it when hes on public transit or anything. he does carry hand sanitizer with him a lot of the time tho

bc his immune system is fragile, he often goes in-patient for what would be minor sicknesses for us, esp if theres a fever. he tends to be hit hard by them, and being sick can make his counts plummet as his body tries to fight off the disease.

coming back around to iron related bullshit, iron overload is treated by iron chelation, for which there are mainly two medicines, deferoxamine and deferasirox, and cyrus uses the latter because i have never been able to find out enough goddamn information about deferoxamine. deferoxamine is the more common and cheaper of the two medicines; its injected subcutaneously over the course of 8-12 hours and has its own list of side effects and the process itself tends to be kinda painful from the accounts ive read. its done at home, often while the patient sleeps bc... well, when else are you gonna get a child to sit still for 8-12 hours. its definitely the one cyrus was on for a while, when he was younger. bc ive had a hellish time finding info on the pump used for deferoxamine and more about that medicine generally, cy’s currently on deferasirox. slightly different side effects, but otherwise does the same job in pill form.

thalassemia patients who've been cared for properly should be healthier than cyrus is. most patients his age havent had a heart attack already and arent dealing with heart failure, not yet. his parents have always struggled financially to keep up with his medical bills, but there was a time when he was still young that they still thought they could manage if they just worked hard enough. they were too proud to accept help, and he suffered for it. they eventually gave in but even then still struggled to keep up. sometimes a sudden unexpected change in insurance policy would fuck em for a while finanacially. so sometimes they'd not fill a perscription for a while or wait longer than they should to take him in-patient, hoping he might just tough out a cold or smth. sometimes he'd manage to do that and have abysmal blood counts next time he went in, and a couple of times he got so sick he was legit on death's doorstep by the time he got to the hospital and needed way longer to recover. sometimes cyrus would be too fussy about the deferoxamine and they didnt have the energy that night to force him to accept it or he'd turn off the machine himself after they left. not too often, he was pretty good about just accepting it and did most of the time, but it def happened more than a few times. and if it had already been activated, they couldnt reuse it and had to throw the dose out, in which case that was it he skips it no replacement they cant afford it not in the budget.

and because the effects of iron overload are long-term ones for the most part, it was easy to be like "ehh he seems fine for now". like, they knew the risks, but it was hard to see them as anything but so far in the distance as to be irrelevant. cyrus himself isnt great about the whole self-care thing either; his depression has helped nothing. he's been known to just flush or toss pills in a small spiteful act of rebellion, all his parents care about is that hes still alive and their money, and medicine's expensive, so wouldnt it just piss em off to throw it all away. he'll eat foods he shouldnt for similar reasons, along with just the pleasure of it. and sometimes he hits the sort of suicidal low where he just.... doesnt see the point. each dose he takes is a choice to keep living, and sometimes that choice isnt one he wants to make.

no one quite realized how bad he was tho till his first heart attack. he was so young; the docs dont rly know when hes skipping, so they werent watching too closely for the effects of it. and the damage his body took over time was amplified by his frequent stress. the heart and liver are the ones most affected by iron overload; his liver is somewhat damaged too, but thats not too bad yet, not as bad as his heart.

other little thal things: hormone levels can get super fucked. cy's puberty was a bit delayed, and his testosterone levels remain kinda low compared to average, so hes not as hairy as his genetics might otherwise dictate. he will never be able to grow a proper beard; it'll always be way too patchy and uneven. and despite what his touch aversion and other factors like stress and said low testosterone might lead you to believe, hes got a pretty strong sex drive, though he suppresses the hell out of it.

he was homeschooled for his first few years of elementary bc health concerns, but that couldnt be sustained bc of cost. so he rejoined public school since then. i wouldnt be surprised if his peers used his puberty delays against him, but i'd expect they were making fun of him less bc he was a late bloomer and more at his general girlishness, esp since this would also be around the time he was growing out his hair.

he has had people do the "lookit me ive befriended the sad disabled kid arent i good <3" schtick (which esp pisses him off bc its similar to shit melinda pulls) and hes met the people who try to be nice to him for three days then turn a 180 on him when he doesnt immediately cheer up and get all buddy buddy with them. and hence he now treats kindness from strangers with extreme skepticism, suspicion, and aggression. (thomas also feeds into this but ye) it scares off plenty of legitimately nice people who he could have befriended, buuut.

Oh, a couple Fun Facts I forgot to mention. bc anemia, he bruises easy and injuries generally take longer than normal to heal. And in part bc depression and in part bc meds are prone to fucking with his appetite, either killing it entirely or just making him nauseated, he tends to not eat enough and is kind of underweight. Melinda put him in charge of dinner most nights as part of a genuine good faith effort to ensure he's getting at least one good meal and get him home when he's supposed to be.