#there are so many little ways his disorder has shaped his life

[strawb3rry-acid]

König and Social Anxiety

I just wanted too ramble a little bit about how I personally believe that König's social anxiety affects him, coming from someone who struggles with severe social anxiety. I've seen a bit of misconceptions in the past (though it seems to have died down now thankfully) about social anxiety, so I just wanted to give my own opinion. Per usual, this is fairly long lol ♡

This post is purely meant to analyse his social anxiety instead of his personality, and just talk a bit about social anxiety in general. If you hold different opinions that's completely okay. These are just my thoughts.

If you're struggling/have struggled mentally in any way, shape, or form please know that you are not alone. You're loved, accepted, heard, appreciated, and cared for. Keep going, you've got this. It'll all be okay, I promise 🫂

─ 𓆡𓆝𓆞𓆟𓆜𓆛 ─

So, for starters let me just get it out of the way that we, unfortunately, know practically nothing about König, or anything about the ways in which his social anxiety makes an impact on his life. The most when know when it comes to the latter would be the mentions that it's severe, likely developed due to his experiences with being bullied as a child, and that he likes to go unnoticed. Sure, we have voicelines, but I don't personally feel it captures clues as too how his social anxiety affects him. It eludes to his personality sure, but not so much his symptoms. I feel it's also important to mention that his disorder isn't his personality. It may have an affect on it of course, but it's not his personality.

Coming from someone who struggles with the same mental health condition I can be a completely different person in a place I feel I'm at my best in. Hell, sometimes it can seem nonexistent, but put me in a different situation, and it's nearly impossible too miss. In a military setting, König is definitely in his element. Not only is he in his element, but the military also provides structure, and consistency, which is very important when it comes to coping with any form of anxiety disorder, or any mental health condition in general.

I think it's important too mention as well that social anxiety isn't the same thing as being introverted, and/or shy. Does having it make it more likely for individuals too be introverted, and/or shy? Absolutely, but it doesn't always mean they will be. Social anxiety also doesn't mean that you don't like people. For many people it tends to mean that you're frightened about the negative possibilities when it comes to interacting with people. (For example, I love people, and I love getting to know people, but I'm often way to scared about humiliating myself/being judged to actually do it, so I usually I won't, and will avoid social events like the plague.)

I have no doubt in my mind that König feels like everyone has their eyes on him 24/7, and that they're somehow judging him in some way. Going off of his bio, I personally think the mentions that he was often bullied, and that he only found acceptance in fighting indicates that the bullying was likely on more of a severe scale. I doubt he found confidence in others very often, if at all, and really lacks skills in the socializing department.

He picks and chooses his words very carefully, and spends quite sometime practicing what he wants to say. He likely plans for every way the interaction could turn out, especially the worst case scenario. After the event, it'll be on his mind for quite some time as he replays it over and over again in his head, searching for any clues that he made them uncomfortable/embarrassed himself all while beating himself up for not saying/doing something better.

When he's not a blood thirsty, loud, human battering ram on the field I think he's very quiet, and is the type of person to stick to a wall, or the corner of a room. He's very observant of the people around him, and will try to be alone as much as possible to avoid any stress. When coworker's try to approach him, especially if it's unprompted, then he's very short with them. Of course, this makes him come off as rude, which I don't think he's trying to be most of the time. He's just nervous, and wants to be left alone so it doesn't show to other people. Plus he's very awkward, and doesn't want too risk saying the "wrong" thing that could result in him being judged/humiliated. Especially if he hasn't had the time to plan what he wants to say.

I do think he does feel bad when he behaves that way towards someone with genuinely good intentions, and who just wants to get to know him better, but he isn't too sure how to handle it if it comes out of nowhere. He tries, but he's not very good at it most of the times. He's polite enough, he's just very awkward which tends to come off as him being standoffish, and his discomfort tends to get misinterpreted as him being an ass. He's usually bad with words, and people overall which results in him being probably a fairly isolated man.

I think that when he's on leave, and out living the average civilian life is when it presents itself. He's expected to act a fairly different way when compared to how he acts on the job, and is completely out of his element. I think he's very different with civilians than he is with the people he works with. He knows that he really intimidates them, especially women and children, and tries his best to make himself appear as less frightening as possible. His tone is likely more hushed, his face is more soft, and he tries not too be as short as he is with coworkers. Kinda backfires though in some ways as he can come off as sounding very serious unintentionally, which makes him feel like a dick.

I think it's important to mention again that his social anxiety is specified as being severe which means it heavily impacts his life. Does that mean that he doesn't know how to cope with it, or live a fairly normal life? Of course not, but it still majorly effects him even if it doesn't show outwardly. There's likely some things he simply can't/won't do often, or at all due to his social anxiety. These thing's probably involve big social events, and instances where all focus is soely on him. Combine those two together, and you have a situation he'd never willingly put himself in.

He probably does have panic attacks. He probably will sweat, blush, stutter, and show other physical symptoms of anxiety in high stress situations that he can't escape from. I don't think this happens often (At least not in front of people. The last thing he'd want people to know is that he struggles with social anxiety in case it makes him a target.), but it most likely does happen. I want to mention this because I think it's important to talk about, but I've seen some people bring down other's for including symptoms of König's anxiety in their writing, and it's really disheartening.

He may be an intimidating, middle aged mountain of a military man, but he still had feelings. He's still a human being, not a complete monster. He's not going to start a random verbal/physical altercation with a random person that hasn't started anything with him to try to bring them down. I personally think, just like most of the other characters, he's a normal guy when not on the job.

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part one)

I've never seen anyone talk about this and it doesn't surprise me considering most people don't really know what bipolar disorder actually is (the stereotypes are all wrong and good representation in media is rare, sigh) and while I'm not saying my interpretation is the only correct one as I'm a firm believer that anyone can see whatever they want in art and that's a beautiful thing, in my opinion there are enough things about Ivan's behaviour and character that make my bipolar Ivan Karamazov agenda worthy of being pushed a little.

This first part will be more of an introduction where I'll just talk, in general, about what I picked up on in the first half of the novel and then in the next parts (I don't know how many there'll be yet, there's a lot of stuff to say) I'll get more specific by going over Ivan's inner world and the more significant events that made me think yeah this young man definitely needs some lithium.

Let's start with this: I know every Dostoevsky character is fucked up in their own way, that's pretty much his thing, but there is a difference between being a little fucked up and being actually mentally ill. There's just something about Ivan that made something in my brain click and go bipolar, which has never really happened before.

Do I think Dostoevsky deliberately chose to make Ivan so bipolar coded? Considering at the time there was barely a name for this disorder (which isn't even the same name we use today), let alone an actual diagnosis, no. But as someone who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I think his character makes a lot more sense if we see him as suffering from it. I even talked about this to my therapist who has read the book and he sees my vision too (lmao).

The thing that I'm sure jumps to someone's mind when it comes to Ivan and the topic of mental illness is the psychotic episode he goes through after Fyodor's murder, and while it kind of sustains my thesis on its own already, I thought he was bipolar coded way before that, because in my opinion there are a lot of subtle signs and behaviours that are kind of like little puzzle pieces that need to be put together to get to see the bigger picture, as bipolar disorder is not just the episodes someone goes through but also the impact those episodes have on them. It's a disorder that shapes the person, their brain chemistry and patterns and therefore their life in an irreversible way.

What initially struck me was how angry Ivan actually is. We don't really see it at first solely because we don't really see much of him in general, but I think that after he pushes Maksimov off the carriage without saying a word or explaining himself to his father we open some sort of Pandora's box. After that, almost every time he appears in the first half of the novel, he's angry. At the top of my head I can only think of two instances where he's not: when talking to Katerina before leaving for Moscow, which is also the first time we see him show an emotion other than anger (and it only took him, what? More than 300 pages? Yeah, relatable), and when he's at lunch with Alyosha shortly after. Other than that, he's always angry, and it's so visceral that I couldn't help but think that he feels that particular kind of deep rage only someone with bipolar disorder is capable of feeling (I personally nicknamed bipolar disorder the always fucking angry disorder). The way he's so deeply and irrationally angry that he feels himself shake and has to collect himself in order to not beat up Smerdyakov? The way he can't let it go and engages in conversation with him even though he himself doesn't even know why he's feeling or doing any of that? The way he treats his father? That's undiagnosed/untreated behaviour, I've been there. It may feel weird or even absurd if you're not familiar with this disorder, but there's a reason why the term bipolar rage is a thing: it is indeed on another level. It also seems like the only emotion he's comfortable with showing is anger and that's why it seems to be his only emotional outlet, as he didn't seem that eager to open up in front of Katerina and even when alone with his own brother you can feel some sort of awkwardness coming from him. I'll go into the specifics of that particular interaction with Alyosha in the future, but I think that after that Ivan's, very emotion-centered, character arc officially starts to develop as his relationship with his own feelings finally and slowly starts to change and becomes a tool to get him closer to the other characters. It's obviously not linear and I really like that, it feels very realistic.

Anyway, at first I thought I was just projecting, lots of people have anger issues and showing one symptom of something doesn't mean you have it, diagnostic criterias exist for a reason. The thing is, the more I read the more I noticed that not only Ivan happens to meet a lot of them, but he also shows some behaviors and has some personality traits that can easily be interpreted as bipolar coded (as I said a few paragraphs ago): his complex and peculiar type of loneliness, the emotional outbursts, his own perception of himself compared to how the other characters speak of him, his traumatic childhood, his attitude towards life (and death), the reasons behind his relationship with God and religion, his curated persona, the fact that no one seems to understand him. Not to mention he's described as having experienced depression and anguish multiple times in the past, and in a particular occasion in the novel not even knowing why (this one point in particular is very important as it connects to his attitude towards life and death, which is the most bipolar coded thing about him to me). All things I'll go over with more detail in the future when I'll get to his inner world.

For now I'll say that the main thing about bipolar disorder is that it fucks up one's emotions a lot, causing "inappropriate" or "abnormal" (for a lack of better terms) and exaggerated emotional responses and reactions in the people who have it (which usually manifest as the epic highs and lows the average person has at least heard of, but it can and does get more complicated than that) and I genuinely don't think Ivan reacts normally to anything, ever; the most noticeable thing to me is that his default reaction to anything, no matter what it is, is laughter. We also see him get extremely anxious to the point of being physically unwell and spiral a little after Smerdyakov and Fyodor tell him to go to Cermašnja due to what the former told him, which made me go damn, no one died yet and he's already paranoid?. His emotional regulation is a mess and he's so real (and bipolar) for that.

Another quite important thing about bipolar disorder is that it makes every emotion more intense to the point of confusion and being all over the place, which causes a person with bipolar disorder's emotional responses and reactions to be the way they are. Now, I'm not proclaiming myself as the one and only True Ivan Karamazov Understander, but I do think people tend to focus too much on his façade of coldness and on the darker side of his story, causing them to forget about how actually fun, passionate and almost childish he is at times. Ivan feels, and he feels deeply, and it isn't fair to overlook that just because he rarely shows it. Extreme rationality and collectedness can often also be a way to try to gain control over your symptoms (I'm guilty of that). We get to see some of his less collected emotionality in how dramatic he gets (like a true Karamazov) when reciting poetry in German to Katerina and in The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion and The Grand Inquisitor, as I already mentioned. At this point of the novel, something in particular happens and at this point in the novel I decide that yes, Ivan is bipolar coded.

I think I'll stop here at this sort of "cliffhanger" because this got quite long and I need one post only to elaborate that last paragraph. This isn't as coherent as I hoped it would be and, honestly, I kind of feel stupid, like I read too much into this and am seeing things that aren't there (how familiar, how fitting), but I wanted to share my perspective (and I'm also open to discussion!). Also, I won't lie, Ivan is my favorite character of The Brothers Karamazov and I don't think he's talked about enough, I've even seen people say he's the least interesting one out of the brothers which kind of broke my heart because I personally think he's the most interesting (no shade to the uninteresting Ivan gang of course). I don't know if I feel like that towards him because for the first time ever I got to see myself in a character and it was very important to me, but I don't think it really matters, "meeting" him made me happy and he will always be special to me, even if his story has its fair share of tragedy. Or maybe because of it. I'm planning on making a post about that and his ending in particular, but for now I'll focus on finishing this bipolar Ivan Karamazov essay.

No idea when I'll write the rest though, but I will.

[gingerjolover]

Hey your phoebe ed fic was incredibly Comforting dude. No pressure but it’d be amazing if you could write similar for jb <3 regardless so much love. im very lucky and grateful to be in recovery but sometimes a little comfort is needed nonetheless

hi sweetheart! i am so so proud of you <3 thank you sm! i am always worried about sensitive topics but im so glad it was comforting to you:)

Trigger warning: disordered eating habits and eating disorder talk, nothing too graphic (your girl is emetophobic lol)

As someone who has had and recovered from an ED, if you need any support or resources please feel free to reach out and if this will trigger you, please skip!!

I think very similar to Phoebe's scenario, Juien is pretty good at keeping tabs on you and she involves you in pretty much every aspect of her life so it's very hard to hide anything when you're in too deep.

In the beginning, maybe it's minor changes, swapping out your favorite foods for lower calorie options. I imagine Julien is like making lunch and uses some random swap you've made and she eats it and is literally like "baby, what the fuck is this?" and remaking it. she doesn't believe you when you tell her that you prefer it to the original but maybe grocery shopping is your responsibility so she doesn't complain.

She sees you when you stand in the mirror a little too long, she takes note of how many times you change your outfit before letting out a frustrated huff. She really tries to compensate for you, making sure you know how attracted she is to you and how beautiful you are. maybe you're pulling away during affection or suddenly nervous during sex and she doesn't get hurt she gets confused.

Its the calorie counting and the excessive working out that alarms her, like you already went to the gym twice today and she finds you in the kitchen, crying in front of the blender because you accidentally added too much of something and its gonna fuck up your macros, and she's immediately scooping you up being like "honey, i think you have a problem, and i want to help, how can i help you?" just being the sweetest most supportive person ever.

slowly but surely, julien helps you swap those ingredients back to normal, maybe sets you up with some of her support systems that she had when she was going through her own issues. she is nonchalantly supportive, not wanting you to feel like she's suffocating you but she's celebrating the parts of your body you dislike and are leaning to love again, leaving kisses and tracing shapes on them while staring lovingly. she's taking you on runs or doing yoga and focusing on gentle movement that makes you feel good. you stop counting calories, making sure that you're listening to your hunger cues and you guys are cooking together.

i really think she'd just be a great companion. i don't think she'd force you into anything and shows you that recovery isn't linear (she knows firsthand) and supports you the entire way through every high and low.

[ghawst37]

the way i see it, Camu and Roland are both Plural (Roland speaking to what he considers his "past selves", Kamui being some sort of alter), so they both kind of understand eachother on that level too. Like, 'oh, you've also got people in your head, alright i get you'. It's important that Camu cannot live outside of Kamui's frame/brain for particularly long - probably because on some level they're the same person and whatever mechanism lets them physically split their M.I.N.D isn't perfect. and also that they're little balls of spite that slowly soften yes :)

Yes! You get me 0)-( Although lore-wise, we never get a hint as to why and how Roland knew about Camu's story anyway, that's why I just had the random thought of "woa the virus in Kamui manifest the shape of Camu, that's how he knew" which is such a delusion lmaoo Someone on twitter have discussed about Camu and Kamui's arc specifically and how PGR's CBT with the start of Camu/Kamui arc compare to the changes we then get in the debut of the game resulting to the lack of context we got.

And due to my weak understand of the way of the constructs, some of the details confuses me. Basically, they concluded that Camu and Kamui makes no sense, in theory they are supposed to be two seperate people (I can only assume that kuro intended Camu and Kamui to be something like a stereotypical evil twin trope, but instead turned into a dark alter persona.) Even if that's the case, how does Roland knew about Camu? Unless he knew Camu personally, which has never happened (correct me if I'm wrong, the first few chapters are not pleasant to dissect.)

All my ramble aside, I do think that if Roland does understand Camu to a certain level, he would very much understand as to why they wanted to live as a "different person." The peole around them fabricating their views and livelihood with lies, keep them both like animals in a cage (both symbolically and literally) and torment them physically and mentally for very selfish reasons. People often make fun of how Camu loves food, but is that like one of the very basic human requirement? To want to eat? And when your fed specific things as some sort of experiment project, of course you would be curious what safe and delicious food is like. Roland just straight up has an eating disorder. And by the time they are very close to meet with freedom, death was knocking at their doors, at that current state they're very passive to fate and had no choice but to accept their own end. They are both very much victims here, and discardable ones (literally the squad in Camu's interludes are just one of many, if they die Kurono wouldn't mind replacing with a new squad. Roland's first few accessable secret just straight up tells you that he's just a normal civilians, a straight up nobody; like any creature being put in a circus show could become a star, doesn't matter which one.) They both wanted to leave and live a peaceful happy life, to be freed, but they are both too far gone. They both wanted to escape their current states but will never be able to, so they adopted personas as their way of "moving on" as they continue to exist and just so they can keep existing is pretty tragic, because they both never had true freedom. Someone will probably tell me such as "they are not the only characters in PGR with this kind of backstory" to which I agree, but that's besides the point. The point is that the similarity in the context behind their true characters. It's a lot deeper, from what I think, it's a "I get where you come from, it's very personal but I know what that felt like." (And then kuro fumbled with the writing, ruining their possible compatibilities forever, missing the biggest opportunity to make them allies, they don't have to agree to each other on most things but I do think they have a chance. And I'm glad that others can see it too :) thank you for this ask)

Delulu-wise however, they're very soft characters with stiff exteriors, really made them wonder how easy it is for them to turn soft towards each other if given the chance (*≧艸≦)

[notsocheezy]

A Messy Attempt at a Writeblr Intro

This is way overdue, but as my one-hundred-and-first post on the hellsite, I'll go ahead and tell you a little about me. Too much, perhaps. No matter - that's what I always do.

I'm Cassandra Erica, local girlish-shaped thing carrying she/they pronouns under each arm (despite how much more difficult it makes grocery shopping). I'm traumatized and so are mostly all of my characters, and they deserved it just as much as I did (none) but that's the cards they're dealt. By me. I swear, I tried to stop writing about childhood trauma, it just didn't work.

"So," you're wondering, "what have you written so far? What are you working on? Are you going to keep up this weird reflexive second-person perspective?" To answer back-to-front: no, many things, and not quite as many things. Here are some lists!

~~~

RELEASED ON NOTSOCHEEZY.COM!

The Real Me (2022, Short Story)

There's something a bit off about businessman Mr. Shirley Jones. What's he hiding?

Three Takes on Death (2022, Short Story)

What might happen when we die?

Pink Bow (2022, Novella)

Who knew trying on one dress at the mall could change a person's entire life? Chris - or, uh, Kris - certainly didn't. Was it just a dress inside that box with the pink bow, or was it something more?

Plus some other things, don't worry about it.

~~~

BRAIN CURDS

Brain Curds are lightly edited flash fiction - practically first drafts - posted daily and sometimes written with the express intention of being terrible… but, you know, in an endearing way. Here are some of the greatest hits!

Three. Two. One. (#31)

The Characters V The Author (#28)

The Frank Program #1 (#13)

Passable. #1 (#30)

Government Man #1 (#4)

The Heart Wants What It Wants (#39)

~~~

WIP!

Anthill Theory (Short Film) Post-Production

An exploration of free will through a time loop that the protagonist doesn't know he's in.

Mercy's Ocean (Short Story) Awaiting Feedback

Alternate opening chapter for a Novel written by my high school English teacher.

Blue Rabbit (Short Story) Pre-Final

Sequel to A Covenant of Rust (see below). I keep telling myself I'm going to finally finish this one.

One Late Night Easter Morning (Short Story) First Draft

A chance encounter at a bar leads to late-night musings about humanity.

The Order of the Degenerati (Novel) Outlining

A secret society was formed after the tragedy of the holocaust to make sure it never happened again. Unfortunately, nowadays the most they can do is make YouTube videos go viral.

It Goes Up (Never Never NEVER NEVER NEVER) Complete

You will never read it.

Memories Retained (Novella?) Outlining

Ever had a dream where you were back in high school, before it all went to shit, and you decided to do something differently? Ever woke up and found out it really happened?

Seeing Other People (Novel?) Pre-Brainstorming

A story of love, polyamory, Dissociative Identity Disorder, and heartbreak. Gee, I wonder why I feel compelled to write this one?

Dominic of the Darkness (Series?) Brainstorming/Partially Written

The antichrist is about to celebrate his sweet 666th birthday by breaking hell - that is, going to live on Earth for a week. Fan favorite for those in the know.

And MORE! THERE IS ALWAYS MORE!

~~~

MY BOOK!(?)

Publishers don't seem super interested in collections of short stories, and I'm afraid a collection of short stories and novellas may make a literary agent's head explode, so expect to see Tales from Starved Childhoods as a self-published debut! It includes a fully rewritten new version of Everyone Has Their Price (2017); newly revised versions of Next Day Delivery (2017), The Real Me (2022), Three Takes on Death (2022) and Pink Bow (2022); and all-new stories such as:

A Covenant of Rust (2023, Novella)

A newlywed couple moves into a 1950s prefab home in early 2020, but finds more hidden beneath the surface than the floor plan could reveal. Will forgotten secrets and isolation bring them together, or tear them apart?

AND SOME OF THOSE WIPs UP THERE! THEY'RE WHY THIS ISN'T OUT YET!

Tales from Starved Childhoods is set to be the physical manifestation of my early career as a writer, so stay tuned and look for it someplace books are sold!

~~~

If you'd like to be one of my readers or vice versa, don't hesitate to reach out! I'm always happy to have more eyes on what I'm making and I'm always happy to read something new. It helps with the burnout. I'm open to most any genre - I don't really think much about labels when coming up with ideas.

If you work for a publisher and you see something you like, send an email to publishing@notsocheezy.com with the subject line, "Business Factory."

[lantur]

An honest vent post,

I have had lots of things weighing on my mind for the past week or so and I am, as always, impatiently awaiting my next therapy appointment. I think that it would be helpful for me to write about and process some thoughts.

I have had fairly significant struggles with my mood lately, with more frequent and intense mood swings. I went to see the doctor on Wednesday and he referred me to a specialist to discuss medication options. I have been trying to manage my type 2 bipolar disorder without medication, and with lifestyle management, but the frequency of my mood swings are getting worse. It's frustrating.

I'm in a strange position where I'm ready for this year to end, and afraid of the struggles next year will bring. I cannot overstate how difficult this year has been, as I've dealt with my dad's advanced cancer and estrangement from my mom. At the end of 2021, I didn't know this was coming. I should have been fucking terrified of 2022, but I didn't know that. Now when I look at this year ending soon, I'm so eager for it to end and so scared of it too.

This year almost broke me. On paper, I've crushed it, despite major challenges in my personal life. I had professional wins, I spent time with my wonderful friends, my relationship with my husband is stronger than ever, I got to pursue my hobbies of traveling and reading and writing and cooking, and I got into the best shape physically that I have ever been.

It looks like a long string of wins. But I've also been in terrible pain and sadness and grief that is in the background, if not the foreground, of my mind for six months. On many days it takes all my strength to get through the day. My anxiety is worse than it ever has been. I've had bad dreams almost every night for the past 6 months, since my dad was diagnosed, and they've really kicked up in intensity and frequency lately. I had a terrible one last night about my favorite little cousin dying. In my dreams, I cry so much, because I don't often cry during my waking hours.

I'm terrified of 2023. It is almost certain that my dad is going to die next year, with his cancer and his response to treatment being what it is. I'm also terrified about the struggles that I don't anticipate, but that next year is going to bring. Every day I'm afraid of what's next. I'm afraid of something bad happening to my husband, or my cat, or myself, or my friends.

I got through it all this year, but at the cost of my mental health, which was never great.

I always try to be proud of myself and celebrate my accomplishments and the large and small good things, but I'm ending this year feeling defeated and afraid, and that's not a good way to feel.

[newtafterdark]

Okay, I gotta write this somewhere because it has not left my brain since yesterday.

There's a pretty big channel on german youtube hosted by a man who mainly focuses on reporting on the questionable work of german politicians, as well as general politics. I genuinely enjoy his work and it's important to have a guy like him in the broad media space we have on german youtube.

But his recent video on body positivity did not sit completely right with me.

I agree on his point that body neutrality is what we need, with folks being able to simply exist and not being torn down for not meeting specific beauty standards. His disability is visible (he is missing an eye) and I understand the anger of how much of his young years were a social nightmare because children AND adults are awful about things like that.

But him getting just as angry about folks with big bodies who just want to exist as such? Based on a TV interview with a (weight) doctor & a big lady he was watching? Because he didn't like it that the big lady was disagreeing with a random doctor?

I understand that this might come across as me as reading too much meanspiritness into his video, but still-

I do not care for doctors on TV. Especially when they so broadly speak about fat bodies. Treating all folks with fat bodies in the way of "change this for your health" on TV is not helping.

Those of us who can loose the weight they gained out of laziness alone and no other factor, fine, they can change things & lose weight as they please.

But there are so many factors on people being fat that got absolutely glossed over by this video… and if you focus on the body positivity movement, you can not ignore those parts.

Many doctors are biased. They will assume you lie to them when you don't lose weight from the food & exercise plan they gave you.

Hell, in my case it took doctors well into my mid-20 to figure out that I have a thyroid issue and THAT is why I always been as big as I am.

Some of us have disabilities, visible and invisible - from bone issues to picky eating from stomach issues, specific medication they must not stop taking, etc… where it just leads to loosing weight is not easy or even possible.

And then, of course, there is the money issue. Global current inflation aside, even previously it is hard in many parts of the world to feed yourself a balanced diet with the little money you do have at your disposal.

… … I just didn't like the whole thing of "if you are fat, you are not healthy, stop fishing for compliments online".

His whole thing of making fun of him being "cishet" at the start of the video doesn't help when a lot of queer folks to develop eating disorders because of general AND in-community relationships to who is "supposed" to have what body shape.

How dare gay and trans folks find comfort in being big and live a happy life like that? How dare we find big bodies attractive?

Just... man.

I am sitting here with the vibe of "if you're fat, there is nothing to compliment there" from his video and that just makes me feel nauseous, as the folks who watch him just nod along bc they already agree with his other takes.

I personally find it simply a rancid take to deny fat folks a bit of positivity in their lives despite their appearance because you haven't found some with your own.

My man, we are ALL fighting for crumbs here.

You are usually so good at going after the people who are holding the bread.

Why aren't you this time?

[phanfictioncatalogue]

(TW) Panic Attack (3) Masterlist

part one, part two

A Bad Day on the Train (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: A series of events that happen to Phil result in him coming home to Dan, sobbing.

All We Seem to Do Is Talk About Sex (ao3) - truerequitedlove

Summary: In which Dan’s got a boyfriend and a tongue piercing, and Phil’s got a weed hookup and an anxiety disorder. In high school, they were labeled “bad influences on each other,” maybe that would never go away.

before/after (ao3) - katesofheaven

Summary: Dan and Phil have a dying daughter and they deal with it in different ways, both before and after she goes.

cereal box (ao3) - harmonymcadams

Summary: phil finds dan’s cereal, and all of the memories - good and bad - come flooding back.

Come to Me (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Phil experiences his first panic attack, and Dan is by his side despite Phil's protests.

Commitment Phobe (ao3) - AlexStandallsSmile, Howlterssmile (AlexStandallsSmile)

Summary: Based on the events after the 4/03/21 live show when Dan reveals he’s scared of commitment.

The story behind why Phil had so many sweet treats after the live show.

Or: Dan has a freak out after mentioning the marriage comment live on stereo, and Phil Lester is a sweetheart.

Damn if you do, damn if you don’t (ao3) - ChainedKura

Summary: Terrible narratives had taken shape in his virtual space and every step he took to dismiss them was interpreted in the worst possible way. Each small virtual interaction was a great stress on his mind that created anxiety and anguish. In these conditions Dan finds himself when the important dates of June arrive where his entire fanbase expects perhaps a little more than he can give.

Dan Has A Panic Attack (ao3) - Gays_From_Mars

Summary: Basically, Dan's doing a live show and the chat goes crazy about the Phan ship. Panic attack ensues and Phil comforts him.

Dandelions (ao3) - throughtheirsnoses (det395)

Summary: Phil returns to his small town after studying how to improve his power that lets him grow plants with his mind. Phil is anxious and struggling with the expectations put on him to grow new plant-based medicine and on top of it all, his childhood best friend, Dan, gets his heart broken and turns to Phil as a rebound. Phil panics.

Edges (ao3) - lovestillaround

Summary: Phil is gay and he hides it

Evolution (ao3) - breatherepeat

Summary: While on family holiday, Dan and his family learn more about one another. Past truths are revealed that lead to understanding and healing.

if you could see it, then you’d understand (ao3) - MANIAvinyl

Summary: There was a point in their relationship when Phil was stable enough for the both of them. But when his anxiety gets worse, he’s not sure how to handle anything; not his panic attacks, not Dan and his still-frequent episodes, and not all the new stresses that come with this kind of fast-paced life.

In the Light of the Moon (ao3) - rainbowchristy

Summary: Dan Howell’s never had any friends. Why? Because he has a superpower. One that he can’t control. Luckily, the new kid at his school doesn’t mind.

Law of Obligations: Contracts, Restitution, Tort (ao3) - yikesola

Summary: He can’t think, he can’t breathe, it’s all too much. He’s feeling too much. He’s feeling everything. It’s all too fucking much. God, it’s a terrible neurotic contrast to those grey patches of time where he can’t feel anything at all. He has no idea how to bear it.

A fic about panic attacks and academic stress.

More Than A Call Away (ao3) - truerequitedlove

Summary: It gave a ring and Phil listened for Dan to answer. The first ring ended and the second began. When that ring ended, Phil became aware of a buzzing sound. He looked around, realizing the sound was the vibration of a phone. Sure enough, his eyes landed on Dan’s phone, sat on the table by the doorway to the lounge.

Dan had left his phone.

My Shot (ao3) - companionsthroughlife (maggie_1277)

Summary: He finally looked at his phone and saw it was only 6 am. He couldn't go back to bed now that he had left the room, he went to his desk.

He knew he wasn't young anymore, and that he shouldn't be working this hard but he felt like nothing he was writing was good. He wasn't good enough, he felt like he was throwing away his shot of fame and youtube. He was working harder than he had in the past because of this.

He just sat and worked for hours, never looking away from his screen. He needed to finish this thing and then maybe it would be good enough. He didn't think that it would be even after writing and rewriting for days.

or a look into Phil's mind.

Retrace, Retry (ao3) - catboydan

Summary: In 2012, Dan left Manchester and Phil didn’t follow. Dan didn’t let him.

Now, it’s 2016 and Dan returns to retrace his steps and maybe, possibly, have a chance at a second try.

Run away (ao3) - Augusti_Lila

Summary: Based on a Ben Platt Song

See Me (ao3) - Misha_with_wings

Summary: Dan gets in an accident, leaving him in critical condition. He ends up stuck in between life and death, watching his own body fight to stay alive- and watching Phil fall apart, but he can’t do anything about it in his ghostly form.

He was confused and didn’t know what to do but he was sure of one thing, he wasn’t going to let himself die.

(TW) Situation at Vidcon (ao3) - LittleLola1114

Summary: After fighting for months, Dan wakes up to find Phil gone. Months have past and Dan and Phil are forced to see each other at Vidcon in America, and after being forced to attend a party, Dan is surprised to meet someone new and exciting; but not everything is what it seems. After being drugged, the mysterious man forces his way into Dan's room and takes advantage of him. Can Phil put their differences aside long enough to help Dan? In the end, after experiencing this together, they realized in order to be happy, all they needed was each other.

Sleep (Don't Count On It) (ao3) - indistinct_echo

Summary: "His heartbeat quickens as conversations turn into arguments, and he finds himself defending but then surrendering to the harsher methods his mind uses against him."

In the middle of the night, Phil struggles through a panic attack.

Thunder Only Happens When It's Raining (ao3) - Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)

Summary: Dan meets Phil at the lowest moment in his life and is immediately enchanted by him, but nobody is perfect - not even those with good intentions and a kind heart.

This is the story of two imperfect people trying to do their best, to find love and strive in life. They gravitate towards each other at every turn, sometimes dancing in harmony, other times colliding.

When You Leave Me (I'm Not Going Anywhere) (ao3) - fisshhhh

Summary: Sometimes the thoughts are just too much. Sometimes Dan breaks. Sometimes he finds himself drowning on the kitchen floor, unwilling to ask for help and too insecure to think that anyone would want to help him anyway. Luckily, Phil loves him.

Youth -Season 2- (ao3) - R3ad3r1

Summary: Dan and Phil are both young actors at the beginning of their careers: after being minor characters in the TV series "Youth" they are going to be the focus of season 2.

They come from different backgrounds: Dan has a family involved in the business, Phil does not.

They have different attitudes: Dan stays with producers and directors, Phil hangs out with the other actors.

Let's see if being boyfriends on-screen will affect them in real life.

[josiebelladonna]

it was 10 years ago

it was 10 years ago that i wrote to ben shepherd.

i’ve been thinking about how to approach this whole entire thing because i have to admit that there’s a lot that ties into it. i can’t just say, “oh, i wrote a letter to him, wing bang boom” because it’s admittedly complicated on my end. writing to ben was like a much-needed light for me back in march 2014 and it was like the beginning of a culmination of something. something admittedly sexual.

so, for that reason, i’m going to get quite tmi about this and i suggest to read at your own discretion.

if you’ve been following me for any length of time, you have probably seen me break down over my sexuality at some point, and i recently started looking into sex therapy to do on my own because i’m tired of hitting my head against the wall about all of this: i figured i have arousal/interest disorder because there’s just naturally having a low drive/interest in sex, and there’s having it down low and it breaks you into a million little pieces. the latter is me.

my tortured relationship with sexuality directly ties into my letter to ben.

he was kind of my first legitimate crush. like, you have your celebrity crushes and your legitimate crushes. ben for me began to blur the line between the two and i realized that a broken mind like myself could indeed have feeling in their heart. it’s not as potent as the whole “love yourself and then relay that to someone else”, but it’s real, though (so don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself first because you get a carrot-and-stick situation going which completely defeats the purpose of being in love). it’s real, especially when you make art for them.

i had made a drawing for him that i made only for him. i think i still have it, too, tucked away in a safe place in my room. i remember sharing it with soundgarden fans on fb and telling them of my intentions. something like that is pure and it was the start of something with me: i draw you when i feel something for you. see it as “marge simpson painting ringo starr” as much as you would like, but it’s one of my love languages.

except, in 2013 going into 2014, i was in bad shape on a psychological level. i had depression that had warped itself into anxiety. i was still dealing with anorexia. anything that seemed “off” in any way sent me reeling into overthinking. perfectionist like you wouldn’t believe. perfectionism that brimmed on paranoia at one point. intrusive thoughts, many of which kept me awake at night so i remember dealing with insomnia for a bit. i would argue with myself, usually about him and the fear of being vulnerable to him for fear of rejection.

add to this, i had no idea as to how to get a hold of him. at least not at first: when i’d tell people about what i wanted to do for him, they’d wish me luck. and that was it. no lead-in questions or leads or anything. when you tell people that you want to send a gift to a stranger whom you like, the obvious answer is to find a lead of some kind, six degrees of separation notwithstanding. it wasn’t until my mom looked him up in the white pages on bainbridge island and used a person-finder (which i think is defunct now) for me to find him.

we did that because it’s not like soundgarden has/had something like ten club or metallica’s club where you can readily send fanmail or what have you. i’m just going to say this because on principle i knew it was weird. (i remember finding the eminem song “stan” around this time; then some few years later, the word “stan” came in vogue and i still get this weird chill up my spine thinking about that.) but once we had that lead, i got down to brass tacks.

introduce myself and my background. how i found him and how much he meant to me: his music literally saved my life. the drawing for him… but then there was the fact that i had a crush on him, and the fact that a.) it’s already a big deal for me to admit that to someone as is; b.) people were judging me left and right; and c.) i didn’t know how he was going to react.

i couldn’t admit that to him. i was afraid of confessing that to him. a lot of it had to do with the fact that there was a lot of judgment surrounding me then: because, like i said in how people were judging me, i was so fucked up mentally back then that it seemed like nothing i did was right. i was being asked all these weird questions like, “how do you know this?” and the like, and nine times out of ten, i couldn’t answer it, either literally because i wanted to protect him—i remember a couple of stalkers coming after chris back then, so of course i didn’t want anyone to know everything because people couldn’t be trusted—or because the answer was so complicated that i didn’t feel like elaborating and they wouldn’t understand anyway.

or, worse, people would call me delusional for it and that i needed help. well, no shit, i needed help. but doing that letter was the stepping stone to getting it. it seemed like all anyone wanted to do was hold me back or buy into the whole trope that a woman following her desires was trouble.

so, i kept it to myself and i just… hinted it to him. i never told him that i was attracted to him because i was judged for it enough already. the classic catch-22 of wanting them to know that you have a crush on them but you also risk having them hurt you by turning you down, except the way it happened to me was particularly odd.

and yes, i wound up blaming myself for it, too. i would blame him as well, because i wrote to him four more times after that, that september for his birthday, the next summer after we moved, the week after valentine’s day 2016, and then for his birthday again after chris died. and each time, i vowed to never be like stan. i would tell him how i was doing and i keep it balanced between the two of us—i would also send him little drawings, too.

sometimes i would picture him speaking with family, like his mom or his sister, and they’d be like “aw, ben, she likes you! she keeps writing you, she likes you!”

it’s why when alex entered the picture, i adapted this eddie vedder-type ideology of “if you love or care for someone, tell them”; the threat of the pandemic had a lot to do with it but it mostly stemmed out of my failure to fully tell ben that i liked him, and i soon realized that he’s literally way too dumb to figure it out, either.

and i soon realized that i had made a complete ass of myself, too.

where he had the opportunity to be like joey, alex, eric, or even chris and show himself to me, he never did. he never replied to me. i knew he got my letters because my mom and i would get notifications from the post office about it, and the aforementioned family members, including ione his daughter, eventually started interacting with me (if you can believe it). my last one to him in 2017 was the last time because i was tired and we were all worried about him; in fact, it was summer 2016, i started to feel as though i was being played—that was one of the multitude of things that led to my hiatus in that i had to get away from the things that reminded me of him. i went quiet with the intent of clearing my head and turning over a new leaf. i drifted out to sea and left it in the past, no questions asked; the 2017 letter was meant to be both a means of coaxing him out of hiding as well as a postcard. and though i don’t recall what i said to him exactly, i remember my tone in that one was a bit terse; i kept things gentle and tender, like someone who truly loves you would pull you aside and say that you’re fucking up. never heard a peep.

and it wasn’t until summer 2019 when i found out why.

now i was in the dark on all channels for all of 2017 so i had to dig around to find this once i re-emerged, but there’s an interview of chris and ben from i think april of that year where ben talks about his then-2-year-old son. wait, 2-year-old son? was what i asked aloud.

the kid was apparently born in the summer of 2015, about a month after we moved and a month after my third letter to him. and all of a sudden, it all made sense, especially the weird questions. the gossip i was subjected to in summer 2014, about a week before i saw soundgarden in seattle, made sense, too: some woman messaged one of my friends at the time out of “concern” and diagnose me with borderline personality disorder (to this day, i still wish i knew how to screenshot back then because it’s unethical and malpractice, even if there was something truly that wrong with me), and this was immediately after she went onto my profile to trash my art. and you would think those friends at the time would defend me and dismiss it as malpractice and abuse of ethics—nope. they called me crazy and told me they’re worried for my mental health because a friend to miss armchair psychologist who also happens to be friends with Ben, saw him with a woman in florida and had not a single clue what was happening but put two and two together anyway.

GUESS HOW WELL I TOOK THAT.

and guess how well i took to finding out how ben had a 2-year-old and no one in his family said a single word about it to me… or for that matter, let me down easy and told me the truth straight up.

but i’ll say this…

the day i found this out and began putting the pieces together, through my tears, i opened my sketchbook to that one sketch of joey cradling maya in his arms. the “writing to ben shepherd for superunknown 20” to “now it’s dark” pipeline is one you cannot make up or replicate for that matter.

and i’ll also say that not a day goes by when i don’t think about him. i think of chris every day, i think of ben every day. i saw a picture of him back around christmas and he looks terrible: he had regained all of the weight he had lost during soundgarden’s third act and then some, he’s got little “baked bean” teeth, and his skin is all leathery.

what’s even more sobering is he and alex are literally the same age: ben was born september 20, alex on september 29, same year, 1968. alex, even with his frizzy disheveled hair, pale skin, and big sanpaku eyes looks very cute and like he can be his chubby, round little rosy self again if he does something. ben irreversibly became an old man over the course of a couple of years, and i know for a fact it’s from smoking as well as parenthood: i saw a pic of him in 2019 at the tribute concert to chris followed by ohana fest and he still looked good; i mean, as far as anyone knows, he had more kids.

god, i just.

…

man, you broke me.

you broke me. you broke my heart.

i did what i could with the resources at the time and even though i was too chickenshit to admit it to you, you couldn’t figure it out and you didn’t do shit about it. i kept writing to you because i had my head in the clouds but you couldn’t be mr. down-to-earth as everyone says you are… why? is it because you had a kid on the way and you were nesting and your family is so bass-ackwards that it’s too much to ask to even trust an outsider like myself? would that have made it so fucking hard to relay back to me? bro, i’ll take secrets to the grave with me if i have to.

it wasn’t a silly little obsession like what people think, it was… it was real. what i was feeling for you was real.

i loved you. and even after everything, i still love you, and i could never not love you, either.

…

…

i can only assume that he was scared to sit down and do that for me. so, to that i say that this isn’t hard to follow: i wrote to a guy who wasn’t interested but was too spineless to admit it to me. in fact, that’s admittedly the same vibe i get from alex: there is undoubtedly something here, like i can feel it whenever i see him and hear it in his voice, but that goddamn g*psy just clings to him like that loose hair you can’t see but can feel and it’s driving you crazy. it’s a lot more passionate and intense with alex, too, and that in and of itself is a whole other essay (all i’m going to say about it is at least he’s transparent about how he feels about me).

i can only assume that ben’s baby mama has it worse. one of the things that, to this day still stands out to me from the armchair psychologist incident, was this: “I don’t know how many girlfriends Ben has now”. yeah, and that person claimed to know him. so, in a weird twisted way, i actually kind of feel bad for her. i tried to love the frankenbass but not even the frankenbass seems to know what he wants.

he’s an old man now and he’s probably going to be facing ill health here if he isn’t already. no idea what’s going on with his mom anymore, his sister’s neurotic, his brother’s a.w.o.l., his daughter broke it off with me as per the usual division over the israel-hamas conflict… ugh. and all i can say is welp.

but ever since then, i like to see transparency and authenticity, and i’m suspicious as fuck of people who are “not very social” and “extremely shy and private and avoidant” when it comes to the internet. i can appreciate someone who could care less about it because there are other things in life worth getting upset over, but to be calculating about it, especially when you can find it by a few keystrokes, is a major red flag in my eyes. wonder how we’re feeling with that in mind, ahem.

i try to be transparent about the weight of my heart as well as the weight that surrounds it. and if you have to jump… jump, even if you end up making a complete ass of yourself, because your ass will still be showing anyway.

[waitingforafriendblog]

My love for food is so deep and my ED broke my relationship with food..

Picture this:

You’re in a straight jacket, laying face-up on a mattress, surrounded by 4 white walls…

Mac and cheese begins to fall from the ceiling.. So much so; that you’re now, buried underneath 2 tons of pasta....

That’s how I’d describe my love for food… Intense? Welcome to the wonderful world of living with an eating disorder..

Let’s dive in, to living life buried underneath food,, And the inevitable death of the relationship shared with food we love, most..

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), or body dysmorphia, is a mental health condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance. These flaws are often unnoticeable to others. People of any age can have BDD.

When I was 8 years old, my body dysmorphia began to develop and started to haunt me… I was only in the second grade……

My jealousy took over when my best friend Alexa Burridge,, and I went swimming in her pool one summer afternoon…. One piece swim wear was the only bathing suit I had ever wore as a kid… But so many other girls were already wearing bikinis… Including Alexa…

As soon as we finished changing into our suits,, and I saw Alexa’s perfect body,,,, I ran to her bedroom and stood in front of the mirror and cried…. She so much skinnier than me… Her body is perfection.. It’s official. I’m the ugly, fat friend……

(We were literally the exact same size. Meaning, you could also, count my rib cage from 100 ft away)

Anorexia nervosa,, often simply called anorexia,,, is an eating disorder characterized by an abnormally low body weight, an intense fear of gaining weight and a distorted perception of weight. People with anorexia place a high value on controlling their weight and shape, using extreme efforts that tend to significantly interfere with their lives.

At 12 years old we had attended a Holiday/Christmas party… The catering that night was provided by The Olive Garden… (bet)

As the buffet began,, my anxiety to serve myself in front of 50+ people became so overwhelming I started to cry softly, my vision became blurry, dark, insulting, and cruel thoughts took over while I was surrounded by a lot of food, and a lot of people.

It seemed like I was in that buffet line for 10 minutes when in reality it only took me less than two minutes to fix a plate…

Sitting at just one of the many tables spread throughout the house… I approached a group of women, at least 9 of them..

“did you see Elena in there?? She got practically nothing..”

“Yeah I looked at her plate and it’s obvious she doesn’t eat..”

“I bet she’s hungry all of the time..”

“Elena needs help because there is definitely something wrong with that kind of behavior..”

“Why doesn’t she eat..”

“She’s way too skinny. She’s way too skinny. She’s way too skinny…”

Standing in the shadows I interrupted the topic of conversation…. Only to stand in front of the group of women, silently, for 10 seconds,,, with the most bitchy-disgusted look on my face….

Everyone else saw,, what I thought was invisible. Fuck…

Bulimia is an eating disorder in which a person has regular episodes of eating a very large amount of food (bingeing) during which the person feels a loss of control over their eating. The person then uses different ways, such as vomiting or laxatives (purging), to prevent weight gain.

When I was 16 years old,, I spent a week of my summer shadowing my Mentor at his workplace, that meant I had to eat in front of the people I loved most…. I didn’t want to look gross or disgusting or chew too loudly or eat too much or eat too little….. WHAT am I going to do?? Well, at that point my body dysmorphia took over my thoughts, and couldn’t allow me to physically eat,, anything.

I was so nervous if I did eat, I would for sure throw up at the dinner table…. We all know our limits when it comes to nausea……

“Dinner was great I’m going to go brush my teeth!!”

Collapsing in front of the toilet, I vomit the small amount of food I actually ate. And then, I brushed my teeth..

Luckily,, I was starved and my body wasn’t bloated from eating so we hit the pool….

“You never eat… We all know you’re bulimic,, or some shit….” (Ugh. Douche.)

Not thinking anyone noticed, I became so fucking embarrassed and ashamed… That night I cried myself to sleep… How the hell was I supposed survive 4 more nights, when everyone knows I’m a freak?

I’ve lost weight, I’ve gained weight, I’ve loved food, I’ve hated food…

But what’s past, is past…

i love food and I’m making it my responsibility for my daughter to have a healthy relationship with the plate in front of her..

Something no one has ever done, for me..

[topconfessions]

About the whole TOP dating young girls thing, I’m completely on board with you. Reading his natal chart, I can see partly why he has that preference. He’s an Aries moon and a Libra mercury big time. Most fans seem to perceive him as this mature, experienced and thoughtful man from his appearance and stage image. But if you follow him for more than 10 years you can tell that he’s the complete opposite. Not to say that he’s a bad guy who has little to no regard to his own actions and just acts as he’s pleased. He’s just not the type to plan ahead and prefer to live in the moment. He can be very impulsive and prioritizes his own needs that often leads to confrontation isssue if he were to deal with more emotionally mature people. It’s that thinking “why deal with it if you can just avoid it”. In a way I think he just tends to act from an emotional place until when things (accidentally) crash and burn he’s just lack the socially emotional capacity to deal with them. Fuck around and find out lol. It’s nothing new with wealthy, in-power, 30s men, let alone someone who has the advantage of being one of the most good looking kpop idols. Men like him wouldn’t go for women the same age because let’s face it, they can see right through these men’s antics. I’ve seen too many stories like this play out irl that often involve infidelity so I guess I’m glad he’s still taking time to enjoy and explore himself, maybe doing some emotional maturing before putting a ring on anyone’s finger.

Regarding his childhood, I believe it’s a huge contributed factor here. I have no doubt he faced a lots of body shaming in his teenage years. When something like that happened to you it shaped your self esteem and how you view yourself for a long time. This man needs validations and guides more than people think.

EXACTLY.

as for fans, top knew what he was doing as well as YG and BB members. TOP promoted an image to protect his real self so fans would never be able to catch up with him and how he operates (he may not have did this intentionally but it worked in that favor) so we wouldnt ever think he's out doing xyz or hanging with so & so cause he swears he is ___ type of person. He literally told us for years he wants the literal opposite of what he truly leans to. I think truly his ideal types and all he ever said was him speaking of what T.O.P would want if his entire stage image was a real person or 2nd personality. like forgive me, I'm not trying to be that person to stereotype mental illness cause BPD disorder is serious and not always the way hollywood glamourizes it to be, but like if top had multiple personality disorder and TOP was a real personality, I could see him embodying everything he said and dating older sophisticated mild mannered rich women. It's either that or he was speaking ideally of what he thought would make him look good and what he could benefit from clout wise. And yeah that aries makes sense.

I won't be in over my head but I once comapred my compatibility with him on that astro theme site and it's like to accurate go to for celebrity, public figure and historian birth charts & romantic compatibility, baby....me and top were 0% bitch, I had better compatibility with fucking ted bundy, jesus and the anti christ than TOP lmfaooooo I was BLOWN back then! but I don't match well with YG artists but my scores were high with SM artists. they come off more sentimental and meaningful in their relationships and relations that YG people in my own opinion. so thats just random plug but that was enough for me to know top is total opposite like you are saying. cause a good majority of my chart leans to what he said but aries x cancer placements dont go together lol.

Only mature young fans i.e kids who maybe had a rough life and were wiser beyond their years or just naturally mature ate tops image as fact. I won't lie, a part of me believed him but I was caught in the mix of idolizing other groups aside from BB, making friends and love through bb and the fandom wars so that clouded my judgement keeping me preoccupied enough to not look deeper. But I could always tell as time went on and I got older that he was not that person. It's an image. just like how beyonce acts like she's a badass legend but keeps pushing the PR machine to ruin Michael Jackson image by having media & his own childern on PR payroll through mj estate say she's on MJ level and surpassing it. Even more so with ehr acting like she's the ultimate woman but she stayed with a cheater her sister wanted to beat up physically and she popped out 3 kids for this man plus jay z has a criminal record and dead side hoes in his past but it's ok cause he's a mogul now. terrible. but fans who are young or obsessed won't use common sense to see she's very or used to be very soft spoken and introverted she is not about the demon time baddie life she promotes in music. Its the same for top, he's not the guy he portrays in interviews, varities, reality programs and on music shows.

I'll give top credit, the image cultivated or was given was great but he himself has a lot going on so he couldn't carry that forever. I still think that before recent 3 years, top saw himself as if he was where kim woobin is but he isn't there. I think KWB has something, just something top is lacking and likes to believe he has but doesnt. but TOP has that durability to comeback in a way I don't see KWB coming back if he was under harsh conditions like top etc.

SORRY I STARTED RANTING LOL. This is why I didn't let up on those insane bts and few crazy VIP fans in the arguments here months ago. you tink you know BTS but all it takes is one top style scandal and leaks to show they are different people.

He's...I don't want to be mean or like too blunt I won't say mentally stunted or emotionally stunted, but it gives slight MJ syndrome, like he has that need for that stimulation that young people provide positive or negative plus let's cut bs: most men of all ages want YOUNG girls unless they are in that phase of their life they want family and strictly to focus on serious relationship, even then if every other male in society american or korea could have a young decently fit / attractive side piece or secret sex buddy with nobody finding out? it'd be a jungle cause everyone would do it - which I'm bot even shaming cause I can separate my morals from just the reality of how complex relationships can be and say that some relationships probably do feel like they need an escape or a vacation with someone else, but at that point - just be single.

Young people just suit him being cause like you said he's not the pragmatic type to plan ahead and really be that responsible. he operates on whims and of the moment. that matches with young people. they're concerned about the now and not making a deep literal fuss about things in life like older 20s to 30 something people are. His scorpio sun makes him come off more stable than he is and yeah, I could see all of that really. I wouldn't mind meeting top but I wouldn't rush to date him now or put responsbility on him if we were friends cause he is not that dependable friend in that manner. he's dependable long term wise in loyalty and emotions with listening but dont depend on him to pull through something planned that places weight on him LOL. just don't. Yeah he is ironically doing the right thing by just taking this time in his 30s to fuck around and have fun. if this was america he wouldn't be able to do that, like literally he'd have the freedom to but his reputation would be in the toliet and he'd have to navigate his pool of girls cause women in america are tough and like you said they see through these antics. girls would be airing his ass out like how adam levine got aired out or he'd be talked about Leo Dicaprio. In a way there is no such thing as single in american hollywood cause you'll always be pigeon hold unless you are like keanu reeves level of loved. Like I've seen people trash zac efron calling him easy cause he doesn't seem to have serious standards when he dates casually although he isn't a super easy to date guy if that makes sense, but he's a libra so LOL.

yeah. I really agree with the last you said. he does need the validation and older women will give that sparingly in ways that aren't the instant gratification or ways he may want it. GOOD TALK THOUGH!

none of this makes him a bad person but he's not the stereotypical guy like the others in dating. he's gonna mary some young woman in his late 30s or mid 40s and she'll traditional very serene etc.

[sheenalijero]

"Life Lately"

Hi, I’m Sheena! Get to know me more by reading this thread.

My MBTI is actually #INTJ, and honestly, I don’t really wanna share. :P

Just kidding!

As an introverted person, expect this thread to be extra boring because I don’t have fun and vigor activities to share about. However, I do fun things in my own little way. As I have mentioned earlier, I am an introvert, so I spend most of my time inside my room browsing the internet or reading books. As for my hobbies, I do have a looot! I do not excel in any particular skill which is why I love exploring things that suit my interest, hoping that soon I’d discover where I am best at. I love reading books, watching series or movies, I used to draw (I stopped many many many years ago, and unfortunately, I’m bad at it now :((), I also tried baking and sewing, and I am a kpop fangirl!

I am not active on any social media platform, well except for Twitter. Twitter has been my favorite app since I started being a member of a community-like, where every Korean Pop fan around every corner of the world gather and interact with each other. I am part of the “engeneville”, and I must say it is fun!

I stan many kpop groups, but my favorite is ENHYPEN. My bias is Heeseung, and Jungwon is my bias-wrecker. My #Twinz

“Where do I see myself five years from now?”

I have been asked about this question many times already, and every time I got the chance to ponder about it, my thoughts are not constant. I really can’t tell if where and what journey I am heading to.

But to answer the question, maybe five years from now, I am still on the journey of pursuing my dreams. My dream job takes a lot of years to reach, so I’m probably still studying five years later. That is what I am sure of.

I am a sophomore student at Saint Paul University - Tuguegarao, and currently taking up a Bachelor of Science in Psychology.

Life has been so draining lately. It is given that college is hard, like hard HARD. But as someone who is currently living alone far away from my parents whom I have been so dependent to, my days are extra sad, tiring, and difficult now. I am now doing every single thing for myself, which is good, because this is an opportunity for me to learn things, big or small.

Saint Paul University Philippines is the DREAM. One of the most well-known Universities in Cagayan, and a top-performing University, not just in Cagayan, but in the country. Being one of the students here makes me feel proud. That’s why, instead of thinking of giving up, I am trying to look at the brighter side. My struggles now portrays the fact that I am trying. I am trying to be deserving of my parents efforts. And wanting to be one of the students whom SPUP will be shaping into a better person for the next set of days and years.

As someone who grew up surrounded by not-so-open-minded people, I have heard so much misinformation and stigmatization of all sorts of mental illnesses. That is why, I have always wanted to take part in the #BreakTheStigma movement, and for me to do that, my only and biggest option is to pursue psychology and study the different mental disorders, and learn how I can assist those who need help.

Bachelor of Science in Psychology has always been and will always be the best and only choice that I will forever choose.

[sollucidity]

Family, restlessness, grounded chaos, purpose

The energy of my family is a stable ground that grows its own humorous chaos. A garden of restless, random flowers - “did I plant that? I don’t remember. I didn’t even think that grew in this climate.” Day-to-day chaos, simple disorder and confusion. On the one hand, a whole afternoon will pass in near silence - someone reads, someone naps, someone works. I sit on the couch and paint my nails “desert flower” pink, the one color my Grandma had at her house, my Grandma next to me reading a novel. She has one slipper on and, beside her, the McDonald’s breakfast sandwich she just heated up in the microwave, the sandwich Grandpa drove to pick up for her six hours earlier, the same sandwich he drives to buy her every morning. No kiss on the head, no loving words, but daily nutrients to count on. Give us this day our daily bread. Grandma wakes late, does the crossword, reads the newspaper. Grandpa smokes his pipe, goes to the YMCA to do his exercises, works in the garden. So there is groundedness, a simple soil. 

I don’t know how to explain this energy of funny, giggly chaos that sprouts up from such ground. It begins with something small. Right before dinner, Grandma was trying to order the Bewley’s Irish breakfast tea she buys in bulk once a year. Previously, she had always ordered from Ireland, “but there was a big schmear when she tried this year.” Ed and I are in a fit of laughter after she says, “A big schmear.” Ten minutes pass trying to figure out, why couldn’t you order the tea? They want you to change your password? Can’t you continue as a guest? All in a lighthearted laughter. At what? At the situation, at ourselves? We make each other laugh so hard we can’t breathe. I lean over Grandma’s shoulder and find another website to buy the tea from, she kisses me on the head. Evening dawns. Grandpa made fish, after dinner I ask Ed if he could pretty please make Pero? We play scrabble. I make up a song about the letter bag called “Mystery Bag.” Every time we pass the bag we add lines back and forth. Mystery bag, mystery bag, go on pull a letter, it won’t be a drag. If you pull out an X, you can spell “Xylophone” …. Or maybe you can’t, because you only have seven letters …. Mystery bag! It’s a mystery bag! And so on. Grandma writes “mewed” and I say “If she can do a sound effect, I can,” and write “dink.” Now grandpa’s playfully outraged, “Dink?! What is dink??”. Obviously, the sound of a small wrench tapping a pipe. Throwing their hands up, they allow it, and I get 14 points. Drinking sweet warm milky coffee, eat baked apples. And then, quite simply, it ends. “Goodbye, drive home safe, love you.” 

Affection isn’t present in many visually recognizable ways, but you can feel it still. Affection in the ways we know each other, the ways we show up for each other. I know you, and so I love you. I know what makes you laugh and ask you questions about the books you’re reading, your job. I know you, and so I bring you the same treat every day, laying it on the same place of the table. The same patterns continue for months and years. We sit outside and eat pizza. I come over and bring flowers whose destiny is to sit in the same vase on the same table. Some small details change, others don’t. We always laugh in the same ways about different circumstances in our lives. One person changes their diet. You are you. He is he. We are we. It isn’t lost on me that one day this will be different in a massive way, us being mortal creatures. Spending time with my grandparents is a simple medicine to the big questions - what am I doing? Am I doing it right? In the moments I am with them, I think long-term. This will not last forever. My purpose is to be here and soak it up. My purpose is to laugh. My purpose is to remember. My purpose is to make your life a little easier, to order the tea for you, to make the dessert, to walk the dog so he barks less. Breathe in the spaciousness and the chaos and allow it to seep into me and to shape me. When I go out in the world, my jokes will be your jokes, my being descended from yours. Is this purpose? Allowing yourself to be shaped? My beingness informed by you, and it came to you through someone else. Who was it? Whose cadence informed yours? A life force that started before us and will continue after us. How could I possibly control it all when I’m just one part of a big story? I think this way, and in a space of rest, my mind is at ease. 

[travelsinser]

Most assuredly the close of the eighteenth century

Let us avoid misunderstanding of what we are now speaking. Most assuredly the close of the eighteenth century in France displayed a convulsion, a frenzy, a chaos such as the world’s history has not often equalled. There was folly, crime, waste, destruction, confusion, and horror of stupendous proportions, and of all imaginable forms. There was the Terror, the Festival of Reason, the Reaction, and all the delirium, the orgy, the extravagance, which give brilliancy to small historians and serve as rhetoric to petty politicians. Assuredly the revolution closed in with most ghastly surprises to the philanthropists and philosophers who entered on it in 1789 with so light a heart.

Assuredly it has bequeathed to the statesmen and the people of our century problems of portentous difficulty and number. But we are speaking now neither of ’93 nor of ’95, nor of ’99, of no local or special incident, of no single event, nor of political forms. We are in this essay dealing exclusively with ‘ the ideas of ’89/ with the movement which at Versailles, on 5th May 1789, took outward and visible shape. And we are about to deal with it in its deeper, social, permanent sofia sightseeing, and human side, not in its transitory and material side. The Seine, the Loire, and the Rhone have washed away the blood which once defiled their streams, the havoc caused by the orgies of anarchy has been effaced, years make fainter the memory of crimes and follies, of revenge and jealousy. But the course of generations still deepens the meaning of ‘the ideas of ’89,’ of the social, intellectual, economic new birth which then received official recognition, opening in a conscious and popular form the reformation that, in a spontaneous form, had long been brooding in so many generous hearts and profound brains.

No reading of merely French history, no study of the reign of Louis xvi. by itself, can explain this great movement—no political history, no narrative of events, no account of any special institution. Neither the degeneration of the monarchy, nor the corruption of the nobility, nor the disorder of the administration, nor the barbarism of the feudal law, nor the decay of the Church, nor the vices of society, nor the teaching of any school, nor all of these together — are adequate to explain the revolution.

They are enough to account for the confusion, waste, conflict, and fury of the contest — i.e. for the explosion. But they do not explain how it is that hardly anything was set up in France between 1789 and 1799 which had not been previously discussed and prepared, that between 1789 and 1799 an immense body of new institutions and reformed methods of social life were firmly planted in such a way that they have borne fruit far and wide in France and through Europe.

Religious fanaticism

Nor do any of these special causes just enumerated suffice to explain the passion, the contagious faith, the almost religious fanaticism which was the inner strength of the revolution and the source of its inexhaustible activity. What we call the French Revolution of 1789, was really a new phase of civilisation announcing its advent in form. It had the character of religious zeal because it was a movement of the human race towards a completer humanity.

Rhetoricians, poets, and preachers have accustomed us too long to dwell on the lurid side of the movement, on its follies, crimes, and failures; they have overrated the relative importance of the catastrophe, and by profuse pictures of the horrors, they have drawn off attention from its solid and enduring fruits. In the midst of the agony it was natural that Burke, in the sunset of his judgment, should denounce it. But it was a misfortune for the last generation that the purple mantle of Burke should have fallen on a prophet, who was not a statesman but a man of letters, who, with all Burke’s passion and prejudice, had but little of his philosophic power, none of his practical sagacity, none of the great Whig’s experience of affairs and of men.

The universal bonfire ’ theory, the ‘ grand suicide ’ view, the ‘ chaos-come-again ’ of a former generation, are seen to be ridiculous in ours. The movement of 1789 was far less the final crash of an effete system than it was the new birth of a greater system, or rather of the irresistible germs of a greater system. The contemporaries of Tacitus, Trajan, and Marcus Aurelius could see nothing but ruin in the superstition of the Galileans, just as the contemporaries of Decius, Julian, and Justinian saw nothing but barbarism in the Goths, the Franks, and the Arabs.

[beautytravels]

Most assuredly the close of the eighteenth century

Let us avoid misunderstanding of what we are now speaking. Most assuredly the close of the eighteenth century in France displayed a convulsion, a frenzy, a chaos such as the world’s history has not often equalled. There was folly, crime, waste, destruction, confusion, and horror of stupendous proportions, and of all imaginable forms. There was the Terror, the Festival of Reason, the Reaction, and all the delirium, the orgy, the extravagance, which give brilliancy to small historians and serve as rhetoric to petty politicians. Assuredly the revolution closed in with most ghastly surprises to the philanthropists and philosophers who entered on it in 1789 with so light a heart.

Assuredly it has bequeathed to the statesmen and the people of our century problems of portentous difficulty and number. But we are speaking now neither of ’93 nor of ’95, nor of ’99, of no local or special incident, of no single event, nor of political forms. We are in this essay dealing exclusively with ‘ the ideas of ’89/ with the movement which at Versailles, on 5th May 1789, took outward and visible shape. And we are about to deal with it in its deeper, social, permanent sofia sightseeing, and human side, not in its transitory and material side. The Seine, the Loire, and the Rhone have washed away the blood which once defiled their streams, the havoc caused by the orgies of anarchy has been effaced, years make fainter the memory of crimes and follies, of revenge and jealousy. But the course of generations still deepens the meaning of ‘the ideas of ’89,’ of the social, intellectual, economic new birth which then received official recognition, opening in a conscious and popular form the reformation that, in a spontaneous form, had long been brooding in so many generous hearts and profound brains.

No reading of merely French history, no study of the reign of Louis xvi. by itself, can explain this great movement—no political history, no narrative of events, no account of any special institution. Neither the degeneration of the monarchy, nor the corruption of the nobility, nor the disorder of the administration, nor the barbarism of the feudal law, nor the decay of the Church, nor the vices of society, nor the teaching of any school, nor all of these together — are adequate to explain the revolution.

They are enough to account for the confusion, waste, conflict, and fury of the contest — i.e. for the explosion. But they do not explain how it is that hardly anything was set up in France between 1789 and 1799 which had not been previously discussed and prepared, that between 1789 and 1799 an immense body of new institutions and reformed methods of social life were firmly planted in such a way that they have borne fruit far and wide in France and through Europe.

Religious fanaticism

Nor do any of these special causes just enumerated suffice to explain the passion, the contagious faith, the almost religious fanaticism which was the inner strength of the revolution and the source of its inexhaustible activity. What we call the French Revolution of 1789, was really a new phase of civilisation announcing its advent in form. It had the character of religious zeal because it was a movement of the human race towards a completer humanity.

Rhetoricians, poets, and preachers have accustomed us too long to dwell on the lurid side of the movement, on its follies, crimes, and failures; they have overrated the relative importance of the catastrophe, and by profuse pictures of the horrors, they have drawn off attention from its solid and enduring fruits. In the midst of the agony it was natural that Burke, in the sunset of his judgment, should denounce it. But it was a misfortune for the last generation that the purple mantle of Burke should have fallen on a prophet, who was not a statesman but a man of letters, who, with all Burke’s passion and prejudice, had but little of his philosophic power, none of his practical sagacity, none of the great Whig’s experience of affairs and of men.

The universal bonfire ’ theory, the ‘ grand suicide ’ view, the ‘ chaos-come-again ’ of a former generation, are seen to be ridiculous in ours. The movement of 1789 was far less the final crash of an effete system than it was the new birth of a greater system, or rather of the irresistible germs of a greater system. The contemporaries of Tacitus, Trajan, and Marcus Aurelius could see nothing but ruin in the superstition of the Galileans, just as the contemporaries of Decius, Julian, and Justinian saw nothing but barbarism in the Goths, the Franks, and the Arabs.

[boutiquehotelsbg]

Most assuredly the close of the eighteenth century

Let us avoid misunderstanding of what we are now speaking. Most assuredly the close of the eighteenth century in France displayed a convulsion, a frenzy, a chaos such as the world’s history has not often equalled. There was folly, crime, waste, destruction, confusion, and horror of stupendous proportions, and of all imaginable forms. There was the Terror, the Festival of Reason, the Reaction, and all the delirium, the orgy, the extravagance, which give brilliancy to small historians and serve as rhetoric to petty politicians. Assuredly the revolution closed in with most ghastly surprises to the philanthropists and philosophers who entered on it in 1789 with so light a heart.

Assuredly it has bequeathed to the statesmen and the people of our century problems of portentous difficulty and number. But we are speaking now neither of ’93 nor of ’95, nor of ’99, of no local or special incident, of no single event, nor of political forms. We are in this essay dealing exclusively with ‘ the ideas of ’89/ with the movement which at Versailles, on 5th May 1789, took outward and visible shape. And we are about to deal with it in its deeper, social, permanent sofia sightseeing, and human side, not in its transitory and material side. The Seine, the Loire, and the Rhone have washed away the blood which once defiled their streams, the havoc caused by the orgies of anarchy has been effaced, years make fainter the memory of crimes and follies, of revenge and jealousy. But the course of generations still deepens the meaning of ‘the ideas of ’89,’ of the social, intellectual, economic new birth which then received official recognition, opening in a conscious and popular form the reformation that, in a spontaneous form, had long been brooding in so many generous hearts and profound brains.

No reading of merely French history, no study of the reign of Louis xvi. by itself, can explain this great movement—no political history, no narrative of events, no account of any special institution. Neither the degeneration of the monarchy, nor the corruption of the nobility, nor the disorder of the administration, nor the barbarism of the feudal law, nor the decay of the Church, nor the vices of society, nor the teaching of any school, nor all of these together — are adequate to explain the revolution.

They are enough to account for the confusion, waste, conflict, and fury of the contest — i.e. for the explosion. But they do not explain how it is that hardly anything was set up in France between 1789 and 1799 which had not been previously discussed and prepared, that between 1789 and 1799 an immense body of new institutions and reformed methods of social life were firmly planted in such a way that they have borne fruit far and wide in France and through Europe.

Religious fanaticism

Nor do any of these special causes just enumerated suffice to explain the passion, the contagious faith, the almost religious fanaticism which was the inner strength of the revolution and the source of its inexhaustible activity. What we call the French Revolution of 1789, was really a new phase of civilisation announcing its advent in form. It had the character of religious zeal because it was a movement of the human race towards a completer humanity.

Rhetoricians, poets, and preachers have accustomed us too long to dwell on the lurid side of the movement, on its follies, crimes, and failures; they have overrated the relative importance of the catastrophe, and by profuse pictures of the horrors, they have drawn off attention from its solid and enduring fruits. In the midst of the agony it was natural that Burke, in the sunset of his judgment, should denounce it. But it was a misfortune for the last generation that the purple mantle of Burke should have fallen on a prophet, who was not a statesman but a man of letters, who, with all Burke’s passion and prejudice, had but little of his philosophic power, none of his practical sagacity, none of the great Whig’s experience of affairs and of men.

The universal bonfire ’ theory, the ‘ grand suicide ’ view, the ‘ chaos-come-again ’ of a former generation, are seen to be ridiculous in ours. The movement of 1789 was far less the final crash of an effete system than it was the new birth of a greater system, or rather of the irresistible germs of a greater system. The contemporaries of Tacitus, Trajan, and Marcus Aurelius could see nothing but ruin in the superstition of the Galileans, just as the contemporaries of Decius, Julian, and Justinian saw nothing but barbarism in the Goths, the Franks, and the Arabs.