#this was not an amazing month (mentally)

[nostalgicfun]

January 1999

[good-beans]

YES thank you @kyanako5972 for your service 😤👏 (I was actually looping them both for a bit but I keep forgetting to run it lately ah...)

And hehe I have been ✨enabled ✨Have some Triage thoughts, and feel free to add your own!!

Starting off with my main praise of the song: “I want to be Innocent, I want to live.” I know the point of milgram is that all the characters are going to get worse, but I feel like this video is the first t2 song we’ve seen a prisoner get better. (People have talked about his savior complex being an issue but that’s coming after the inno verdict, in Triage he specifically says he never wanted this to be some kind of hostage situation where he has the power to save/kill people.) This is when we can finally see one of our verdicts go right. The others had an issue, or creeping guilt, or uncertainty, but Shidou gets over any uncertainty right then and there – he wants to live again!! In a series so full of death, in which half of the cast makes some reference to suicidal thoughts, plus two victims who did commit suicide, there’s something extremely profound about seeing one of them change their mind onscreen. We hadn’t gotten a moment of healing like that before, and I doubt we’re ever going to get one again.

The moment itself is shown very accurately and beautifully, in my opinion. His expression when he makes his statement about wanting to live is so unique. It’s not a smile, it’s not a grimace, it’s something in between. His voice is strained, but set. He’s not excited about it – when you’re in that mental place, it isn’t a cheery switch to wanting to live, it’s a grit-your-teeth and pick yourself up and make the tough choice. It’ll be so, so hard but by god you have a job to do. It made sense, given all the previous mentions of him helping Fuuta and Mahiru – he had a lot of complicated feelings about being a doctor, but he remembered that saving others really is his purpose in life.

And then the shock factor. Because of that moment and the family reveal, I think this video had the biggest twist of t2. The others had surprises, sure, but they were hinted at in the voice clips and vds, or they just exaggerated things we already knew about the characters. I was completely blindsided by Triage. Everything leading up to it paralleled Shidou with Mahiru, so I thought it was just a lover he’d lost (and maybe someone he’d just met or something). He had his moments with Amane, but I always assumed it was because of her connection to him, not vice versa. I assumed he was just overdramatic and killing people for some lady he’d fallen for, and then decided to take the easy way out and ask for death. So to find out he had a fully established family, wife and two kids??? To see his main character trait from season one was completely reversed??? (but in a way that wasn’t at all forced???)

Now, it’s much easier to make a character unlikable than it is to redeem them. We saw how quickly the fandom turned on certain characters, we felt pangs of horror for many of them. But it’s very difficult to make someone like a character they’d previously despised. Which is why I’m insanely impressed with the way those three minutes could undo months of my hatred toward Shidou, and bring me literally to tears over him. Suddenly his actions weren’t so selfish, as rash. He’s not taking the coward’s way out. He had incredibly good reason to do what he did, and now he’s taking accountability and choosing to face pain in order to atone. I’ll add more in a sec, but it’s not even that the video shows him as this perfect saint. Without holding back on everything he’d done wrong, it conveyed a real, grieving human that really moved me.

Of course the music itself was amazing – Shugo Nakamura sounds incredible. I don’t know too much about actual music structure, but the tone of both Shidou’s songs manages to be so fun and relaxing while simultaneously filling you with that profound sadness. It’s like an embodiment of his peaceful, sad smile. There’s something so human about his voicemail message, and it’s unique hearing different types of speaking parts in a song! But that moment is also foreboding. You wonder why he missed the call, and who’s calling, and you kind of already know, and you hear the three beeps as the line is dead. Then there’s the gut-wrenching return of those sounds, with the added visuals bringing to mind a dying heart?? Insane. 

And lastly, the visuals are gorgeous. Bringing back the flower/pomegranate symbolism in a similar but new way was perfect. The bright scenery and picturesque scenes really emphasized how happy he was. The video is so bright. His family is gorgeous, they’re happy. His neighborhood is sunny and warm. His house is comfortable and light. Which meant the dark scenes contrasted perfectly, driving home how jarring his loss was. And despite all the good things I said about him before, the video isn’t actually trying to paint him in an innocent light. There are literal graveyards behind him, showing how much blood is on his hands. The rotting food is such a disgustingly painful way to show what he was doing to people. He handed the tag directly to his son, showing full accountability: he gave his son his fate, he killed him himself. The images seem beautiful at first, especially compared to AKAA’s dark, bloody rooms, Backdraft’s grim tunnel, and INMF’s monstrous bees. But no matter how lovely it looks, it successfully  conveys a truly horrendous crime. 

In conclusion Shidou my fucking beloved. Go watch Triage again :3

[bluesidedown]

....

[tittyinfinity]

oh 69 notifications. noice. anyway I forgot to refill my meds yesterday so I just didn't sleep and watched a show for 6 hours straight and only had a slice of cheesecake to eat all day because I couldn't get my 10 dinners and desserts in right before bed as usual

last time I was this sleep deprived I photoshopped alternate reality babydaddies and changed my url to beating chris pratt with hammers but I promise I'm more normal now

[kaesaaurelia]

My mom's spent a bunch of time arguing with me about how I should be a lawyer and I keep telling her I fucking hate arguing and conflict and the fact that I'm arguing at all is being used against me. :\

Also she keeps insisting I could do it because I'm sooo smart. There's thousands of lawyers out there who are dumber than me, that isn't the issue, the issue is do I have the temperament and how much more can my mental health take.

[emmic0n]

reminder that TADC will (hopefully) be released within the next 4 months!

[sofiaruelle]

Sooooo ya gurl collaborated with super talented Reanne Borela and the amazing Production 55 for Reanne's newest song Play Pretend!!!!

Go check it out yall!!!!

YALL I AM KICKING AND SCREAMINGGGGGGGGG

[venihime]

the lack of happy and pining rendoc in this fandom is a crime, must we be so miserable all the time.... <— planning on writing the most heart wrenching rendoc possible sometime after they finish their xbralis wip

[smilebackwards]

what is wrong with me that i decided the depths of december was the right time for me to finally watch the terror and read we have always lived in the castle

[chaoticfandomthot]

Listening to TAD after listening to anything else is like coming home but better

[terrifyingstories]

ya'll i got a practicum!!!!!!!

[dandyshucks]

trying to decide if i want to show the counselor/therapist my self insert art or not djdkslsl I think it is too obvious that it's Me to ever be able to say "hey look at this cute art i did of two random characters neither of which are me or in any way connected to me :o)" but AUGHGHGH she wants to see more art of mine and most of my art recently (ALL of my art so far this year i think) has been selfship stuff,,,

[micma]

[captaintoomanybattles]

Favorite fanfic you’ve read and lives rent free in your mind.

Thank you for the ask! I have way too many favorites to pick just one, but as for a fic that lives rent-free in my mind...

I'll go with the first one I thought of, which is "Scents and Sensibility: The Working Assassin's Guide to Supersoldier Seduction" by galwednesday, silentwalrus, and skellerbvvt. It's such a great mix of poignant and humorous, plus the world-building is excellent! There are certain descriptions that have just stuck in my head every since I first read it.

[fuckmeyer]

(Jacobsbadwig) with all due respect, when the fuck did you get back! I missed you!

never left, only reincarnated :)

[spideyoku]

I want to grab the MCU by the throat and watch it attempt to escape while it slowly suffocates between my fingers