#though i do think ten suspects it once or twice he never really confronts/believes it until the last episode when martha says it to him

[aq2003]

so true david

[grain-my-beloved]

For real though watching yhs has lead me to the conclusion that despite Grian seemingly has such an active fight instinct....most of the time he actually doesnt respond to situations with half the fight attributed to him.

When faced with a traumatic situation Grian will absolutely bare his teeth at the nearest threat. He's absolutely vitriolic towards Sam at all times without fail and has even initiated physical violence in their confrontations once or twice. He's often on edge, often quick to angry outbursts, just overall rather hostile when faced with a dangerous/frightening/harmful situation. Which definitely indicates his main response to these scenarios is to fight. Hard.

However the more I engaged with fanon the more I faltered. A lot of fanon does portray him as very hostile in the face of trouble. Which should make sense. Canonically Grian knows when to say no, when to argue, and even sometimes when to physically fight back. Any episode with Grian present will likely have examples of him pushing back against harmful situations. And yet something always feels very Off about that being the start and end of it in a lot of fanon. Which led me down an interesting line of thinking.

I honestly suspect that Grian's volatility and will to fight back isn't nearly as strong as one would believe from observing him on surface level. In fact, his on the surface hostility feels like it's borderline a facade altogether to be honest.

I mean look at examples throughout canon of Grian in distressing situations.

Yhs halloween episode. The one where Taurtis got stabbed. And the following situation where Grian is famously forced to dress up like Taurtis. Grian would later be very upset about Sam stabbing Taurtis, however his initial response was to nervously laugh and even give Sam appeasing praise. I mean, Grian says "you weren't supposed to stab him" pretty clearly, but he anxiously laughs before and afterwards and even tells Sam he's proud of him when prompted. Obviously Grian was very upset about the whole thing later on after taking Taurtis to the hospital however in the moment he's mostly silent and when he's not he's just nervously laughing throughout, even agreeing with whatever *Sam* says when he's outright prompted by name for an opinion, then when everyone else tries to play it off casually Grian actually goes along with it almost entirely, even agreeing to let Taurtis drive him home for some reason. Then, according to his own story, he had an opportunity to talk to police at the hospital and he didn't incriminate Sam. He knew they were supicious of *him* but he still didn't incriminate the actual killer. "I told them I found him like that" Grian alleged. Honestly it sounds like he didn't tell them much of *anything* before being released and making the walk back to meet Sam. The next morning Grian was significantly more vocally upset about Taurtis being stabbed and expressed being upset with Sam however he seemed significantly more anxious than he was angry throughout the interaction. Then Grian immediately pretty readily agreed to go with Sam and Yuki to school and willingly put on the Taurtis outfit before the other's even started with the threats in the name of making things 'less awkward'. He certainly objected, however he was once again a lot more anxious than angry, nervously laughing, coming up with really weak unimportant excuses, and agreeing within ten seconds of being asked. Pretty much the rest of his time dressed as Taurtis goes very similarly. He objects to most things he's told to do and brings up Sam stabbing Taurtis multiple times despite the other's not wanting him to but is primarily nervous rather than hostile and he never actuslly puts up enough resistence for it to stick. Even when the other's were stuffing plastic down his throat and he told them he thought it may kill him Grian still did it and told the other's he *liked* it when pushed. Eventually he got out of it by running on Rowan's command and no sooner than being told to get out of there. When Sam found him again Grian immediately even reverted back to doing as he was told and cowering away from him in obvious fear up until Okami and Rowan showed up and shoved Grian behind them. Then he *still went home that night* knowing Sam would be there. When they found Taurtis it was pretty clear that Grian was hoping Taurtis would help him once he got his memory back however when instructed to stop telling Taurtis who he was Grian for the most part did aside from subtle pushing about the familiarity of certain things and then later when Taurtis got his memory back and made it pretty clear he wasn't going to help Grian? Grian conceded. He spent a good few minutes arguing about everything he'd gone through- everything they both had- and insisting it wasn't okay but when Taurtis made it pretty clear he wasn't going to do anything and they collectively agreed Grian was the real problem? Grian kinda...stopped. When Taurtis made it clear he wasn't going to be helping, Grian just kinda fell back into their normal routine with the other's, and when Sam demanded an 'apology soda' from Grian for what he'd apparently done, Grian bought it for him saying "If that's what it takes for things to go back to normal".

Let's also look at Grian's involvement with the law during/shortly-after the Halloween situation. When Sam and Yuki dragged him to join the Yakuza he was upset and objected anxiously but caved as soon as he got pushback. When Sam wanted to steak from the Yakuza he once again got objections from Grian who nervously insisted that it was a terrible idea but once again Sam shoved aside Grian's complaints and once again Grian just kinda fell into place despite being upset. When the police also started threatening the trio's lives to work for them, Grian objected. He questioned if they were allowed to do that and was very openly not happy about any of it, however he very quickly submitted under pressure. Both times Grian was locked in solitary confinement he loudly protested his sanity and both times he voiced how disturbing it was on a really deep level being locked up like that but both times when he was let out he just went with the other two again and let them brush it all off- even knowing full well they let him out to be *death fodder*. He just went with them relatively quietly save for maybe a token remark or two. Honestly the large majority of this bs Grian was involved with was under physical threat and he almost always bent under it. Even down to his fight with Pie over Ellen. Pie showed up and started challenging their relationship. Sam, Taurtis, and Yuki insisted they have a knife fight. Grian said *no*. Pie said yes. Sam, Taurtis, and Yuki affirmed there would be a knife fight. Grian objects more. Everyone else present discusses how the knife fight will work. Grian gets stabbed. Grian suggests they just ask Ellen who they want to date *obviously*. Ellen chooses nobody and leaves. Grian was upset but then just kinda accepts it and goes on with what the whole group was doing before.

And just to round this out with one more example. The Starwars Cosplay Incident. Apparently Sam burst into Grian's room, undressed him, shoved him into Leia Cosplay complete with fake boobs, and locked him in the basement for three days. Grian sits there for three days until Taurtis rescues him.  Grian has a moment of being rightfully very angry and finally even tries to physically attack Sam, demanding to know if Taurtis is aware of what Sam did to him and insisting that they can't expect everything to be fine now. Except it kinda...was. Taurtis stopped Grian from attacking Sam, they both brushed it off as a joke and not a big deal, and then they went to school. And Grian just *went*. He walked with the other two, he wore the outfit Sam put him in, and he just kinda moved on. Grian would later object when the clones tried to pull him out of class, snapping that he just wants to learn and get an education like a normal person and demanding to know why he's not allowed to. But he goes! And when he's released he walks right back to Sam and Taurtis, makes some bitter remarks to them, and let's them shove it all aside as if it's unimportant. Later when it's Grian, Sam, and a member of school staff alone in the closet, some innapropriate remarks are made to Grian. He very quickly says he's reporting the remarks made by school staff but Sam tells him not to be rude and it doesn't seem Grian ever does. Later on when Geode makes a comment about Grian's outfit as well Sam and Taurtis start pondering *giving* Grian to them. Grian repeatedly said *no* but with a lot more despair than defiance and we don't even know if he'd have actually followed through with fighting back if they'd tried to actually give him away because they were interrupted before the situation got to that point. Grian once again just let the other's move on as if that didn't happen and continued following them around, though! And he wore that damn outfit he was very explicitly uncomfortable with. All day.

Which is kinda all to say that when it comes to fighting back Grian is a lot more bark than bite.

Grian throws out a lot of bitter remarks, makes his objections very apparent in most things, and even has more than one vitriolic rant to his abuser(s) throughout the series. But that layer of his responses to things is so fragile that it tends to fall away within minutes- if that, sometimes *seconds*.

Of course ive seen other people take note of this and argue that it means Grian actually *wants* to do these thingd he's objecting to but I think that's silly. If it were just things like group crime or violent acts then id possibly see it but Grian puts up the same kind of response to having plastic shoved down his throat and to being locked in the basement for days which there's no way in hell he was any kind of okay with. The more likely scenario here isn't that he secretly wanted to do any of these things and made his resistence weak so he could pretend he tried while still doing it.

The likely scenario here is that his fight response is much more for show than one would think. Because Grian's strongest most influential response to things really never seems to be to fight. Aggression is really hardly Grian's overall stance on handling a distressing situation.

Much more frequently you see the most influence coming from completely other instinctive responses.

Looking for outside help in adults, friends, and classmates like when Okami and Rowan protected him during his time dressed as Taurtis or when Grian tried desperately to get Taurtis to be on his side and help him after Sam seriously hurt him both when Taurtis first got his memory back after Halloween and when Taurtis found Grian in the basement during the Starwars Cosplay Incident, hell, even during his fight with Pie it can be argued that Grian calling for them to just ask Ellen was an appeal to outside help as he hoped Ellen would agree to end the fight and save him from the situation as a result.

Running away- or trying to at least- from the threat. Most notably seen back during the halloween incident when he quite literally ran out the back of the gym and hid from Sam+Yuki then hiding behind Okami and Rowan when they showed up in an attempt to flee from Sam which is how he got away from the other's at all during that situation. Grian's consistent need to exclaim every so often how much he wants to go back to Europe is a subtler example of this, though, of Grian's urge to get away.

Honestly though being quiet and moving as he's directed seems to be the most common winning response. You see little sparks of reaction from him but most of the time Grian is just quiet, nervously laughing, following Taurtis and Sam around in what they ask of him, and even outright appeasement strategies to maintain a calm environment. This is So common from Grian. This is what usually wins out. His quiet nervous laughter and agreeing with Sam when Taurtis is first stabbed. The fact that he didn't tell the police what Sam did when alone with them during questioning and then immediately walked to meet up with Sam and went to school with Sam+Yuki with literally no objections. The fact that he didn't say no like *at all* to putting on the Taurtis outfit in the name of not making things awkward and complied within seconds of first being asked. How he proceeded to do what he was asked all day and didn't make any move to get away until Rowan outright instructed him to run. The fact that he went back! The fact that he went along with it when they joined the Yakuza and when they stole from the Yakuza and when they joined up with the cops and when they *forced him into a knife fight*. How Grian eventually just lost his spark of defiance after Taurtis first got his memories back and made it clear he wasn't helping Grian, with Grian agreeing to buy Sam a fucking *apology soda* if it meant things would go back to normal after hearing everyone else agree that *he* was the problem in all he'd been put through. The way he just goes back to following Sam and Taurtis after they got him locked in solitary confinement on blatant lies because they *wanted* to. The way he walks around school with the other two while wearing cosplay that made him feel gross and uncomfortable that Sam had literally physically forced onto him and just went along with what he was told in the end.

Grian always puts up a fight but not a good one. He makes side comments, he makes objections, he even has more than one emotional rant about the hell he's put through, however this never wins out in the end and this presenting fight is very frequently just barely holding down much stronger freeze and fawn instincts that usually win out pretty damn quick.

Which!!! In a situation like Grian's it actually makes significantly more sense to have strong freeze and fawn responses than to have a strong fight response! I mean, think about it. A fight response is primarily useful in scenarios in which it's possible to take strong action to remove the threat. You're attacked by a dog so you throw stuff at it till it backs away. You're picked on by an upperclassman so you punch em' in the nose expecting fully that they'll leave you be after. Someone attacks you while you're walking home so you try and stab them with your key. Fighting is an incredibly good response for random/one time attacks. If you're ever kidnapped you wanna scream and punch and kick and make a scene so they can't take you to a secondary location. You fight. Fighting is optimal for unexpected stranger conflicts. That's not the situation Grian's in though. Grian suffers from serious long term physical, emotional, and financial abuse. He's in a country he doesn't have residency or family in, he doesn't have a readily available source of income, he doesn't have his own mode of transportation, it seems that most of the time he doesnt have a clear way home, he's often dealing with long term friends of his and seemingly his biggest source of support prior to this situation, even back in Europe he doesn't have much support system to run to given his parents canonically left him, he's frequently under threat of physical danger, etc. This is not the kind of situation in which an intense primary fight response helps. This is the type of situation in which an intense primary fight response either gets you seriously hurt or wandering the streets with no way to provide for yourself. It would likely be similar if he presented an intense primary flight response to be honest. In long term abuse situations where there's no rational way of escaping safely or no rational place to escape to? Often the primary responses that promote survival are fawn and freeze. Appeasing the aggressor or sinking into the background. Those are your ways to stay alive when you can't expect to 'win' or escape. It absolutely makes more sense for Grian to have primary fawn and freeze responses than a primary fight response.

But then why does he present so much hostility? What's with all the bitter remarks and the attempts to voice objections and the occasional overt insults/screaming? How does a fawn/freeze response present as fight when first pressed at?? Well fun fact, I have experience with that kind of presentation because I *was* that kind of presentation. Oh boy did I try to push strong fight responses towards my abusive father with token resistences and petty remarks even though most of the time I crumpled under the slightest pressure and spent my time ignoring the problem or dissociating or trying very hard to avoid future conflicts. You put up a token front of fight even if that's never going to be your primary response for the sake of your own mental health, really. To assure the world- and *you*- knows that you don't *want* this situation. So you can say you tried. Out of some misguided hope that your attempted bravado won't be seen through and that maybe this time they'll just stop pushing instead of calling the bluff. Which. Makes sense with Grian as well. I mean looking at the times he really truly goes off before reverting back to a more appeasing stance, most notably his rants from when Taurtis first got his memory back as well as from when he got out of the basement during the Starwars Cosplay Incident. Most of those rants were taken up by Grian loudly and passionately reiterating what he'd been through, insisting he was the victim, and calling Sam an awful person before the defiance fades out and he becomes more willing to just go about their day. It's one attempted push hoping the other parties present will vie in his favour and a reassertion that he's not okay with this and that *he* is being hurt which gives way within minutes to a much duller attitude. That's just a painfully familiar format. Adding on Grian's token objections/passive aggressive remarks to many situations that distress him and how quickly those objections give way as dismissed by others. That kind of behaviour feels strongly like an attempt to preserve your own mental wellbeing as much as possible with the knowledge that you tried to some extent and with just generally hearing out loud that you are the victim even if from yourself. Grian's behaviour just really feels like a facade of defiance to cover up general helplessness which makes a Lot of sense for the scenario. Probably more than just plain defiance would.

[kyberphilosopher]

Seven: Chapter Ten

ChaP^ter T3n 

         It feels really good to watch Cal chew Celeste out.

          He’s been doing it for 6 minutes and 38 seconds now. Practically nonstop. Even with the door to the break room closed, you can hear Cal’s muffled yelling through the glass. Not that you’d need to hear the conversation to know he’s upset, but still.

          It is currently 9:47 pm. The only people left in the precinct are us and Officer Blackwell, who stands guard near the entrance awkwardly. He cringes every time Cal raises his voice, which makes me even happier. I sit at Cal’s desk, upright and proper while trying to keep my patient smile off my face. My hands ball and unball themselves against my knees anxiously.

          Cal is completely furious. You should’ve seen him in the car ride back here. Absolutely fuming, he gave Celeste the dirtiest look I’d ever seen and snapped at her. Fuming, he yelled “Why didn’t you cover the exits?!” while Celeste’s overly glossed lips struggled to form an excuse or words of any kind. The tension in the car after that was so thick, you could’ve cut it with a knife. We all sat in silence though. Celeste had a trembling lip, I had a hidden smile, and Cal had one hand on his head while he neared having a heart attack. He sort of looks like he’s about to have a heart attack now.

          “I asked you to do this one thing… Are you a fucking moron? I… The Android even knew what to…” are snippets of his yelling that comes out more clear. Celeste stands silently, still looking like a painted whore and trying not to collapse in on herself or yell back.

          It’s 9:53 when the yelling stops. Cal throws the break room door open, storming outside, still fuming. Celeste stays in the room, turned away from me to hide her shame. I stand up as Cal approaches, at the ready for anything he may need.

          “Can you believe her?” he says loudly, too angry to realize he’s actually talking to me willingly. “I mean I give her one job and she just blows it off, completely costing us the whole fucking operation!”

          “It’s my fault too,” I offer, a little nervous. My hands meet each other behind my back, playing with the others fingers in anticipation. “I should’ve been faster.”

          Cal’s piercing gaze meets my eyes crisply. Despite his increased heartrate, I can tell his sharpness is out of intensity instead of rage.

          “No, you saved my life,” he says, almost like a promise. “We would’ve caught them if it weren’t for Celeste.”

          There’s a silent exchange between us then. A wordless agreement, a quiet thank you. Cal isn’t aggressive towards me because I’m an Android. It’s almost like he’s talking to another person, and he’s grateful that they saved him in peril. Cal walks past me and takes something from his desk. I don’t turn around to look, instead taking the opportunity to run a quick diagnostic. I am in optimal condition.

          “You gonna be hear in the morning?” Cal says from behind me.

          “I believe so, though there’s always a chance for unlikely things to occur.”

          “Like what? An Android snatcher sneaking in?” Cal chuckles to himself quietly. I keep the recording of it in my memories, because it’s the first time I’ve heard Cal chuckle and I like how musical it seems.

          “Always a chance,” I repeat.

          “Guess so.” Cal closes his door with a muted slam and fumbles with his clanking keychain. “Night Tin Fuck.”

          “Goodnight,” I mean to say with a friendly tone. It comes out hoarsely, like someone whose insatiably nervous.

          I watch Cal walk away for the night, out the doors and past my field of vision. Then, it is just me and Celeste Amora, who is trying to contain her tears in the break room.

          I don’t feel like standing upright while I power myself down. Instead, I go around to my desk and sit down in the chair. I use my arms as a sort of cushion for my head. This is something I’ve seen humans do when they’re very tired. I’ve seen Cal come close to doing so once or twice, but he never does. He just sips his coffee with a zombie-like expression on his face.

          I let my led cycle yellow and my vision go black.

          “Aleksandra,” she greets coldly. Her outfit is white today, and she’s turned away from me. Of course she is. I still can’t manage to enter into our scape the correct direction.

          “Hello, Adelicia.”

          She says nothing to me for 37 seconds.

          “How would you say your investigation is going?”

          “It’s progressing,” I say slowly. I can feel her disapproval, her frustration, her patient demeanor expand with my words. “I’m learning a lot about the Exceptions.”

          “Why don’t you tell me what you’ve learned?” Her voice is so cold and sinister. She’s challenging me. Has she seen my memories? No. No she couldn’t have. But… there’s always a chance.

          “I’ve learned that many Exception Androids seem to go astray because of an emotional shock. A child model that killed its parents showed signs of PTSD from a history or memory of sexual abuse.”

          “What else have you learned?”

          “The Exception Androids I’ve encountered have all chosen to hide immediately after their deviation. The child model stayed in a closed shower, and two others squatted in abandoned buildings. It’s like… it’s like they want to avoid confrontation.”

          “Merely an emulation of fear,” Adelicia tells me.

          “Of course.”

          For some reason, I begin to compare Adelicia to a rose. I’ve seen her in every shade a rose can take- white, red, yellow, blue- all of them in the form of a pantsuit or blazer and skirt. She’s pale and prim and proper, with elegant manners and a tone like ice. Her mind, sharp as ever, never stops working. But like a beautiful rose, her thorns jut out and slice open your thumb whether you’re expecting it or not. You may think you’ve said the right thing, over for her disapproval to nick you and make you bleed. Beautiful, but dangerous, Adelicia is all too similar to the overly sweet flower.

          “And your relationship with Detective Kennedy?”

          “I-he… He seemed grateful I saved his life.”

          Adelicia whirls around to face me. “Grateful?” she hisses, like a cat who doesn’t want to be stroked any longer. “I wasn’t aware you had saved his life. When did this happen?”

          Don’t answer. Don’t answer. Don’t answer. “Tonight. He was going to fall from a building. I helped him up.”

          “I see.” The disappointment oozes from her tone like poison. I’ve been noticing that more and more lately. “Aleksandra, if you don’t make progress in your mission by Christmas, I will consider replacing you.”

          Something in my biocomponent sparks. Immediately, the word ‘no!’ pops into my brain in response to her words. It’s almost like… it’s almost like I don’t want to be replaced. I don’t want to be shut down.

          But there’s a problem with this line of thinking. I don’t ‘want’ anything. I’m an Android. I am completely replaceable and the idea shouldn’t bother me.

          That’s what I decide to tell Adelicia. “For the sake of the mission, that might be best. I am of no importance and the investigation should come first.”

          Adelicia’s features soften in their own way. Like a wash of approval finally comes over her at my words. Her pupils dilate slightly, her shoulders wearing down in a type of relaxation. Despite this, her grey eyes are cold and steady, frozen like the rest of her.

          “You have until Christmas.”

          I open my eyes. This time, it is not a smooth, swift and soft motion. It is startled, almost clumsy as I do so. I’m certain my led runs red with it.

          It’s 4:17am. I can see the darkness of the sky outside, and a faint sprinkle of stars dotting above. The moon is still visible up high, like a shiny, vanilla colored crescent. It’s going to rain soon. A dark purple color will fill the sky and replace the midnight blue currently present, and the sun will rise in the east.

          I sit up, not taking my arms from their position on my desk. It seems so… calm. Calm and quiet. Even with the occasional airplane overhead, and the distant sound of drills and smoke and party music, it’s a silent night. I can see the space needle, and water and even a faint picture of mountains way in the distance. Skyscrapers and other sleek buildings stand tall in the landscape.

          Today is Tuesday, October 19th. The temperature today will be 48 degrees Fahrenheit, with suspected showers in the morning. The day after tomorrow, Cal will turn 27 years old. I wonder if he’s excited about it.

          It dawns on me now that I am still wearing my stakeout outfit. My hat had fallen off in my sleep, but my jacket and jeans and shirt are all still present. I put the beanie back easily and turn my attention elsewhere. The leather of my baggy coat is still warm with Cal’s scent. The black turtleneck would’ve gotten itchy against human skin by now, but I don’t mind at all. It’s soft to me.

          I watch the sky for a little while. I really, really like it. I like it even more when at 4:28am, drops of rain start hitting the windows outside. It’s not strong, like bullets or hail, but gentle, like flower petals. It’s so lovely, wonderful even.

          Somewhere, above the moon and the stars, some humans believe there’s a heaven. Supposedly, the clouds there roll in shades of brilliant, blinding whites, pale oranges and rose pinks. The sun rises in the West and sets in the East, and the moon appears as lilac and periwinkle. You can see the planets and all the planets moons. There are corners with lush greens and trees so tall you’ll never see the tops, and others with white sand beaches with jade waves and jewels buried deep down. The sky changes colors depending on the angle, like an Opal. There is no real end, only serenity and breathing.

          I would very much like to see this thing someday, because the humans all describe it so beautifully. But this heaven is only attainable after death, and I doubt there’s a heaven for Androids.

          I push myself out of my chair, and shuffle down the way to the elevator. I push the button for the roof and begin up. The sultry elevator voice tells me I’ve arrived and the doors slide open smoothly, revealing the dank hallway I remember. It hasn’t changed since the last time I was here, and all the trash and other effects are still in place. I’m about to step out, but then I press the button to go back down. Cue the voice alerting me of my destination, cue the doors opening. The next time I press the up button, I’m holding a small, dark trash bag in my right hand.

          I clean everything in the hallway to the roof. Beer bottles, chip bags, a handful of old light blue pills in the corner. They all disappear down the trash bag, which I tie up and leave by the door. When I emerge outside, the biting air hits my synthetic skin. I don’t react to it in the slightest.

          After 43 seconds, I walk to the edge of the building, and sit. My legs dangle over the side, hanging over the pavement below. The rain drops spring and pop on my shoulders. My hat protects my hair from getting damp. Petrichor fills my nose and I’m drowning in the smell of spring. In contrast, the Autumn leaves in the distance are falling in orange, brown, and crimson dots.

          And, maybe for the first time ever, the city of Seattle is still. It all reminds me of a painting- perhaps one that Cal Kennedy himself has painted.

          I doubt there’s a heaven for Androids.

Software Instability^^

     At 10:03am, I move myself from my position. The sun has risen, the rain slowly ceasing out. Several officers and detectives have entered the building, ready to start their day. I even see Captain Ericson share a kiss with his husband while his two children sit with earphones in the backseat.      

          I rouse myself up and grab the trash bag. When I get back to the main floor and the bullpin, there is a man sitting at Cal’s desk. The man is, in fact, Cal. This takes my by surprise. He’s never been this early before. Still, I put the trash bag in the bin by the break room before making my way over.

          A few steps away, I pause. Cal doesn’t have a coffee cup with him today, and his form is more hunched than usual. He must be exhausted. I turn around before he notices me, return to the inside of the glass room and poor him a cup of steaming black coffee. I put a top on so he doesn’t sip it too fast and burn his tongue, and then carry it out to him.

          I put the cup on his desk softly, as to not alarm him. The Detective looks up at me, and his eyes are glinting in the light.

          “Didn’t I tell you I hated you?” he croaks tiredly. His voice is husky and slightly sleepy, but I don’t mind. It’s low enough for only me to hear it in the commotion of the plaza.

          “Multiple times.”

          Cal breathes out with a quick smirk. “And you’re still bringing me coffee?” I don’t say anything, because he seems like he has something more to tell me. “For a bunch of freaks who seem to be demanding freedom, you sure do like slavery.”

          “I bring you coffee because I want to,” I correct, quickly. Cal’s eyes dance with curiosity at my statement. “At least… I think I do.”

          His eyes look me up and down. I like it, I think. “You’re still wearing those old clothes?” he half asks, half observes.

          “So are you,” I counter. Though slightly wrinkled, he is still dawning his dark blue shirt and normal brown jacket.

          Just like last night, there is a silent exchange between us. We can both pretend that Cal’s hostility towards me doesn’t exist for the moment. His still eyes are nearly kind, and his lips are soft and slightly upturned in a relaxed way. I reciprocate, making note of all the little details on his face. He has a freckle I never noticed before, under the right side of his jaw. His face is slightly more clean shaven today, though not by much. It seems stubble and five o’clock shadow are his signature look. I don’t mind, because it suits him and he looks handsome, just rough.

          After 10 seconds, I turn away and walk to the other side, seating myself in my desk.

          Throughout the rest of the morning, Cal and I share a few words.

          “Did you sleep well last night?” I ask as he sips the coffee.

          “Yeah,” he replies. He then gives me a rather unexpected line of dialogue. “You?”

          Androids don’t really ‘sleep’, though I suppose what I was doing was the equivalent. Even so, it wasn’t my most friendly encounter. The more I encounter Adelicia in my thoughts or even just in the white room, the more icy she becomes to me.

          “Yes,” I lie.

          A few minutes later, we have another verbal interaction.

          “I have not seen Officer Amora this morning,” I say aloud. I meant it mainly to myself as I glance around the room, but Cal heard.

          “Yeah, me either.”

          I lean forward on my shoulders, my curiosity taking the best of me. “I don’t mean to impede,” I begin slowly. “But what exactly is your relationship with Officer Amora?”

          Cal rubs the back of his neck like he has a crick in it. I can tell he’s thinking of an answer, because maybe he doesn’t even know himself. “Heh,” he chuckles shortly. “Well there certainly is one.”

          “I-I just mean..” don’t say it. Don’t you dare say it Aleks. “She seems a little… bitchy.”

          Cal freezes in place, watching me. I’m scared for a moment that whatever relation he and I have is ruined, all because I ignored my Social Relations program. But then a smirk smile spreads across his face. His brows ease up and his eyes sparkle with charisma. A quick laugh escapes from his lips.

          With that, my own features soften. My shoulders ease as the tension melts away, and a smirk of my own emerges on my lips.           “Well, you’re certainly not wrong,” Cal says lightheartedly as he looks back at his computer.

          I watch Cal sip his coffee between our short bursts of dialogue. As time goes on, he does seem to come more alive with the caffeine. He types faster, opens his eyes more, takes shorter blinks. The darkness and bags under his eyes don’t just evaporate into thin air, they remain, but I can’t define how I feel about them.

          I don’t think I like that they mean he lacks a healthy sleeping schedule. But I do think I like how much character they add to his outward appearance. He looks entirely unique from everyone else here, maybe everyone else I’ve ever seen. He lacks a uniform, a clean image. He doesn’t mind just being. I wouldn’t understand that. It’s far too outside of my programming.

          At 12:10, Cal disrupts the air of silence between us.

          “Hey,” he mutters. His eyes are averted, stuck to something on his desk nervously. “I uh… I wanted to thank you. About yesterday, I mean.”

          I know he really didn’t like saying that. I run my tongue along my lips inside my mouth, nodding my head sincerely. I can’t help the words that fall from my lips after that. “Of course.”

          “No I mean you… you didn’t have to do it. You choose me over the… never mind.”

          I’ll never forget it. One, because I physically can’t, unless my memory gets corrupted. Two, because I think it’s important for me to remember. Still, the only thing more to that conversation is a quiet “sure” from me.          

          “Actually, I did want to ask you something.”

          Cal looks in my eyes this time. They’re not as relaxed or lighthearted as they were, and his eyebrows are more scrunched down in their usual position. Still pleasant enough to look at according to the golden ratio, though.

          “I was going to ask Celeste but, well- you know…”

          I dip my head slightly, urging him to continue.

          “My birthday’s in a few days and I’m going to see my father.”

          “You mentioned that. Your brother too, correct?”

          “Yeah,” Cal clears his throat with a cough. “Well, my father’s been bugging me to get a girlfriend and I was wondering it you’d… you know… come along?”

          My led flashes red so fast you wouldn’t be able to see it. But then it goes yellow as I try to make sense of the proposition. “You mean as your girlfriend?”

          “No- kind of. Like a fake girlfriend. To trick my family for the night.” Cal watches my led as an indication as to my answer. He’s so anxious about this. I can see his heart rate only increase. “You can say no,” he adds quickly.

Registering Request…

Creating Pro and Con List…

Pro and Con List Created.

          “I can do that,” I tell him. “It’s no trouble. I will have to research things that girlfriends do, however.”  

          “Fine, that’s…” Cal waves his hand, leaning back in his chair. His heart rate decreases, slowly but surely. “That’s fine.”

          My led stays yellow. I can’t define the feeling in my biocomponents, sparking against my synthetic skin and making the fake hair on my arm stand on end. Anxiety? Anticipation? Anguish? Or just plain Aleks?

          “My dad lives in Spokane, so we’ll have to take a half day tomorrow.”

          My led swirls green as I confirm my schedule. “I have no issues with that.” A new idea runs into my mechanical brain though. “I don’t have any suitable clothes, however.”

          Cal lets out a joking scoff. “Clearly.”

          “Hey, this is your jacket,” I retort.

          “And it looks better on me,” he quips slyly. I wonder if he’s forgotten I’m an Android when he jokes with me like this, if he’s so focused on the comedic value he doesn’t care who it’s with. Maybe that’s what everyone who hasn’t shown hostility towards me have been like. Shovelman, Tom, even that woman who smiled at me- Sophia. Were they so intent on being themselves and being in the moment that they didn’t register how different we are? Or is it because they were so aware of our differences that it was a sort of mercy to show me a kindness. I know Cal isn’t doing the latter, but maybe the others were.

          “That’s your opinion,” I decide to say jokingly, typing something into my computer with a smug look on my face. I didn’t even realize it was there until the memory of Cal making the same expression comes to mind. I must’ve learned it from him without realizing.

          “You know, if you’re going to be my girlfriend, you’re going to have to be nicer than that.”

I doubt there’s a heaven for Androids.

Software Instability ^

taglist: @omg-we-really-doo​

hope you enjoy, S. happy fourth.

[madsthecreator]

Doris: 1, 2, 3, 6, 42; Ellie: 7, 8, 11; Elizabeth: 1, 2, 3, 18, 34; Isabella: 5, 7, 8, 15, 25; Jean: 11, 12, 21, 26, 28; Kitty: 1, 9, 16, 29, 31; Madison: 4, 5, 7, 8, 11, 34, 38; Mads: 42, 43, 44, 45; Madé: 1, 4, 8, 9, 18, 20; Skylar: 22, 23, 24, 25; Sophia: 29, 35, 36, 39; Willow: 42, 43

@bpdanakins

Thank you so much! This is pretty long, so I put a “keep reading”. If this breaks the app since it’s so dysfunctional smh, please let me know! Also, please excuse the different types of formatting throughout the answers, MDR.

Want to ask questions, too? Check out the list.

DORIS (PJO)

1. Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

Doris is a demigod, so she is bound to have some siblings! Her father is Hades so while he does not have too much offspring, they’re still there. She is very close to Nico and Hazel, who are both slightly younger than her. Her Big Three (Zeus, Poseidon, Hades) cousins are all close to her in age, too. She respects Percy the most, for he never really took a hostile attitude towards her like many people do with the children of Hades.

2. What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

I’m still somewhat developing her backstory/family life, but like all heroes and children of Hades: dead mother. Unlike her other siblings (and most people), Doris can still communicate with her mother. I like to think that even with her mother technically being dead/a ghost, Doris has a good relationship with her. Her mother is also motherly towards Nico and Hazel, too, which is lovely.

3. What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

Somewhat paternal and somewhat professional Doris does find herself hanging out at her dad’s place a lot, but she also runs a lot of errands for him. (Nico does it, too.) While they may not have a close, warm relationship, it is not hard to find that Hades does care for his children, and that they would defend him against the others. BTW, there is also a lot of banter between Hades and Doris, and I dig it.

6. Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

Not really but like many demigods, her dreams often hold significance. Dreams tend to help guide what is needed to be done next, or there may be a message she needs to hear.

42. Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them? 

I haven’t really thought about this. Technically, everyone in the Greek world is related but I like to think that Doris has a positive relationship with Persephone, her stepmother. Perhaps she also gets along with Mr. D, lol.

ELLIE (RE)

7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

Events of Raccoon definitely affected her, especially for the first couple of years. This has faded away (as nightmares of different outbreaks took over, lol) but it still lingers. It will never really go away.

8. Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

Yes. Her boyfriend, who was training to be a cop at the time, kind of showed her the ropes which was good in hindsight.

11. In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

Raccoon City comes to mind, but specifically when she thought she was going to lose Leon. The initial outbreak, however, was quite terrifying because she was all alone and had to navigate her way to RPD all by herself.

ELIZABETH (TR)

1. She’s an only child. She has cousins on her maternal side, but she never sees them.

2. & 3.

I’m combining these two. Liz has a very strained relationship with her parents. They can both be described as deadbeat. Liz’s mother also never aspired to be a mother and after her relationship with Liz’s father dissolved, she went off the radar. No one really knows where she is. Liz’s father (Lara’s brother) is also not in the picture. The reasons are not fully known, but he and Lara have bad blood with each other. (Specifically, the issue of their parents but there is more to it.) Let’s just say that Liz’s hates both of her parents. They abandoned her. They never come to visit. Why should she care about them?

18. Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

I definitely believe that she admires ambition over wisdom. However, she sees value in both…she just discards advice from those who are not her family. (She even discards Winston’s wisdom at times!)

34. Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?    

Depending on context, she may retry a solution/method once or twice, thinking she made a mistake but after that, she’ll figure out a new solution/method.

ISABELLA (GTA: VC)

5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?    Before she fully rehabilitated, traces of cocaine. There may be a few coins and a knife. She can’t afford to not have protection on her. Maybe some condoms, because the people she used to live with made her go on condom run so they wouldn’t get…busted. It became a habit to have them.

7. Her nightmares consist of her family meeting their ultimate demise and her (former) addiction ruining her.

8. I like to think that her first target was at her dad’s boss (who had him sent to jail) but more realistically, the first time she fired a gun was a warning shot for a rival family to step back, or someone trying to assault one of her family members (specifically, the people who raised her).

15. Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

She was raised to think money first. Materials are good (especially for business/merchandise), but money is the ultimate power. That’s what people care about the most.

25. How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?   

Pretty quickly. Mafia is supposed to be about family, but Isabella definitely trusts no one. Especially not the Forelli Family after her father was sent to prison. Like her father, she takes loyalty seriously and therefore, do not cross her.

JEAN (ST)

11. This is a hard one. I think one of the scarier moments of her life is when her father was no longer in the picture. Her mother did her best to raise Jean and her brother by herself but at the beginning, it was hard. Jean’s mother fell into a depressive episode. She was active with her children, but Jean could tell that her mother wasn’t entirely there, and it scared her.

12. In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

Hard to say. Jean is generally a calm, laid back type of girl. However, when she is too calm, that shows how angry or afraid she really is.

21. If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

It depends on that situation. For example, if something happened to her family or friends, she blames herself. She could have protected/save them. Why couldn’t she? However, if we are dealing with the supernatural side of her life, she blames the people responsible for that and claims that she will kick their ass.

26. How does your character behave around children?   

Pretty well. Dustin is her younger brother and while they are super close, they would also probably try to choke each other or have really heated banter. That’s just how siblings be! She also finds herself around the Party a lot, often having to drive them to places since none of them have their license lol. El and Max often go to her, asking for advice and having “girl time”, since they like and trust her. She doesn’t mind, though. El and Max are cool and when Billy was harming his sister? Watch out: Jean’s about to throw hands.

28. How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?   

You would have to get Jean really, really pissed off if she resorts to physical violence.

KITTY (ST:AOS)

1.

Kitty has a sister who is about seven years older, but they have a good relationship. Her sister also has children who close to Kitty’s age (Kitty was around ten when her niece was born). She’s close to her sister and family, even while she’s enlisted in Starfleet. If you count in the Enterprise family, Kitty is also one of the younger ones. She’s around Chekov’s age, so they have a close and developing relationship :)

9. Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?   

I don’t doubt it. The best way I can describe Kitty’s family is lower middle class. However, since joining Starfleet, she’s been making money which has lifted the family socioeconomic class up a bit. (She sends money back to help support her family, whether they like it or not.)

16. Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?    Happiness. She can find success very easy, but being happy is harder. Much harder.

29. What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

Okay tbh, I’m kinda still deciding on what the dream is specifically but I can confirm that Kitty’s dream did come true :)

31. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable. 

On the Enterprise, she likes to wear comfortable clothing (yoga pants and large t-shirt), hair pulled up in a ponytail, and she’s streaming media (tv, movies, youtube; stuff like that) while reclining on her bed and eating junk food.

On Earth, she feels comfortable with being reunited with her family. She loves her home base, and family is important to her.

MADISON (TR)

4. Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

Uh…yeah. She survived Yamatai, and she also goes to Siberia and Peru later on (yes she’s in all the reboot trilogy games don’t @ me). She has seen a lot. Others do know about this. Her fellow Yamatai survivors know and her family has a concept of what happened to her, but not really. The only ones who do understand is Lara and Jonah.

5. Pockets. What pockets? Madison does carry a purse, and a lot can be found in that. Her wallet, pads, pens, snacks, a hairbrush when needed, earbuds, keys. When she’s on expeditions, the purse is replaced with a backpack and has more stuff in it, like first aid and research supplies.

7. Nightmares are definitely PTSD-related. Events from Yamatai, Siberia, and even Taititi have all affected her the most. Yamatai definitely struck her; it was horror on that island. She may also have nightmares of her loved ones either haunting or being killed (because of her).

8. Her first target was at one of the Solarii Brotherhood members on Yamatai

11. Yamatai is probably the most traumatic experience she’s ever endured (haha). There’s also this one time where a Trinity member attacked her at her university, when she was on her own home turf, and that was pretty terrifying itself.

34. She’ll quickly move on to find a new solution/method but if she’s tried everything, she’ll rebound to the original or may combine certain aspects of everything she’s tried.

38. Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?  

She will try her damn hardest to remove a problem/threat. She’s not the main player for it, she’s more side-kicky. She knows when she needs to take a step back, removing herself from the situation.

MADS (RE)

42. Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

It depends how she views it. She had a really good mentor for her job post-Raccoon City. English teachers from high school could count, haha.

43. Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

Yes. She’s kind of a kid magnet. She’s also one of the more feistier and protective type of person, so this could apply to her friends too.

44. How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

Difficult. She can say “I love you” to her brother easily but with other family members it’s hard. I don’t think she wouldn’t say it without meaning it because she realizes that it is correlated with strong responses, both with her and with other people.

45. What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

She doesn’t like to think about death. She’s dealt with numerous “zombie” outbreaks over the years since Raccoon City, and has a big fear that she’ll turn into one of them. She’s also not a big believer of heaven or hell, but she does wonder what happens after life on Earth.

MADÉ (SW)

1. Madé is the oldest out of four daughters. She’s not really close to any of them, but it doesn’t mean that she loves her sisters any less! She lived in Naboo’s capital and later moved to Coruscant, so her visits were somewhat sparse. Then she moved to a desert planet, when contact was even more rare. I will say that the sister she is closest to is the sister who had Paige and Rose Tico. (Still trying to decide if Madé is their aunt or great-aunt, haha!)

4. I would say so. The Fall of the Republic, Order 66, and the death of Padmé were some of the biggest events that affected Madé. After all, watching something you fought so hard for crumble (she never liked Palpatine, let’s be clear on that right now), as well as a group of people slaughtered (she can’t help but think of the padawans and younglings the most), and watching someone she cared so much and dedicated her life to dying right in front of her? And then having to figure out how to keep her children safe? That would be hard on anyone.

I would say Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Bail Organa and the Skywalker OC I have yet to develop/name, lol are some of the more prominent people who know about these traumas.

8. She was Padmé’s handmaiden and bodyguard, so yes she has fired a gun. (Blaster would be the more appropriate term.) The first target? Someone who was trying to harm the Queen of Naboo or one of the other handmaidens.

9. Hm….no. Madé didn’t come from a rich family and while she had a better economic/social status when she became a handmaiden, it depleted after the fall of the Old Republic. Actually, her status now might be lower than she originally started out with.

18. She has seen a lot of ambition in her lifetime, so wisdom is always a welcoming change. (However, fuck the Jedi Council. lmao.)

20. In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

This is hard! I would have to say her age somewhat concerned her as she was at Padmé’s side. She is one of the oldest handmaidens, and on Naboo they valued youthfulness in their monarchy. It kind of worried her how the Naboo governors viewed her (Palpatine didn’t particularly like her, because she saw his true character). A lot of people also judged her for staying with Padméfor all those years. Shouldn’t she move on? Have her own life? (Ouch.) So, I guess she would have compared herself to the other handmaidens but she really didn’t let the criticisms affect her. She knows what she wants in life.

SKYLAR (OUTSIDERS)

22. What does your character like in other people?

She likes those who have integrity and stand up for themselves and for their loved ones. She likes reliability and stability, too. While she needs someone serious, she also likes to kick back and have fun, too!

23. What does your character dislike in other people?

Those who harm others just for the hell of it; bullies. People with big mouths AKA those who don’t know when to mind their own business. She doesn’t like those who think that they are better than others, especially those who are of upper class. Fuck them.

24. How quick is your character to trust someone else?

Hm. She’s not one to trust quickly but she doesn’t take awhile in trusting someone. I would say, especially after the death of her parents, she can be wary of others. Not only for herself, but for her family too. She wants to keep them safe as much as she can. Honestly, in order to gain her trust, you have to prove yourself to her and to her friends/family.

25.Suspect can be quick if something has been brought to her attention. She will give the benefit of the doubt but she can also read people pretty well. She doesn’t like to be paranoid but she has to keep her guard off for her family.

SOPHIA (IT)

29. What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

Sophia doesn’t remember what her childhood dreams were, so she can’t really say if her dream came true. However I can say that while she grew up, she really didn’t know what to do. She did always want to save people so technically, in that way, her aspiration came true.

35. How does your character behave around people they like?

In general, she gets super nervous. Butterflies in her stomach, blushing, the whole nine yards. She would also try to be as interactive as she can with her crush.

36. How does your character behave around people they dislike?

She makes it very clear. She’ll scowl at them and when they insult her friends, she throws clap-backs that are either very eloquent or very brash.

39. Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

She’s been nipped by dogs, but it never affected her. However, she remembers Pennywise’s rows of sharp teeth, and that stirs uneasiness within, even if when she couldn’t remember why. (She always associated with not liking sharks thanks to Jaws.)

Also, I just imagined as a kid, she got bitten by a raccoon or something while she and the rest of the Losers were in the woods LMFAO

42. Yes. Her stepfather. We can even argue that Stan and Patty (who she and her brother refer to as their uncle and aunt) have been parental figures to her, too.

43. No one I can think about. Maybe like, the Marshcom (is that the ship name? idk lol) baby or a small pet, but that’s about it.

[bromfieldhall]

What Makes You Beautiful - A Mentalist Fanfiction

TIMELINE: Set some in the future after series four finale. Minor spoilers.

SYNOPSIS: “Yesterday I made a New Year’s resolution. I’m going to give myself one whole year to woo and win the love of California Bureau of Investigation’s Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon.”

PAIRING: Patrick Jane/Teresa Lisbon

Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

CHAPTER 11

"If only you saw what I can see, You'd understand why I want you so desperately"

~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D

November 22nd – 9.15pm

Rigsby brought Ben up to the office last week.

It doesn't happen often, hardly ever in fact but he had a day off and was meeting Grace for lunch. It was nice. He's a cute little boy and was running around in that bouncy, almost clumsy kind of way that probably seems really fast to him but in reality he was hardly moving at all.

I love kids at that age.

He charmed everyone, especially Lisbon, and she'd been so delighted when he'd held his arms up for a cuddle. She'd quickly obliged and had looked over at me with a beautiful smile of pure happiness.

You know that moment when everything around you seems to fade into nothing and there's just you and that one other person…?

Yeah. That was it for me.

And as I stood there just staring at her, I experienced a most profound longing to see her holding our child one day.

I have to say it caught me off guard. I've had the odd, fleeting wisp of an idea float through my head but it's not something I've given any real serious thought to…I mean, we still haven't even slept together yet.

And that's another thing I have a 'profound longing' for…although, true, it's not quite as innocent as my yearning for settling down. Still, now that the elephant that was my ring has finally left not just the room but the entire building, I really want to take our relationship to the next level. And from the way things were heating up between us just a couple of hours ago, I think she's ready too.

If only Cho hadn't interrupted us with that damn call about work…I swear he's still paying me back for that hug.

Anyway, I'm hoping that tomorrow evening we can pick up where we left off. I figure that if we close the case tonight then we shouldn't have any more interruptions. I can wait a little longer. Not much, but a little.

So now we're here, pulling up to a rundown shack out in the middle of nowhere at some ridiculous time of night because we finally got a break on a case we've been working on for the past week.

Well, actually we're only ten minutes away from the I-5 and it's not really that late, but still…

Lisbon kills the SUV's lights and we roll to a stop a little distance away from where we've been told the killer, Robert Finlay, is holed up.

"Wait here," she orders unnecessarily.

I don't need telling twice. I reconciled myself to the fact that I'll never be a hero a long time ago. Besides, I'd rather watch Lisbon take charge. I do so love a woman in control.

I grab hold of her hand as she's about to get out of the vehicle and she looks back at me with a faintly puzzled expression.

"Be careful," I caution softly.

She gives me a nod and smile before slipping off into the darkness.

I open my window a little so that I can hear what's going on. I know Cho and Rigsby are out there somewhere with her but that doesn't quell the usual feeling of anxiousness that always settles in the pit of my stomach whenever she heads off into the line of fire this way.

I automatically go to fiddle with my ring but as soon as I touch bare skin I remember that I'm no longer wearing it. I'm mostly used to the fact now but during tense moments like these I tend to forget and fall back into the habit.

It's odd, but although Lisbon and I have talked alot recently, the one thing we've never spoken about is my ring…not aloud anyway. We had one of those silent conversations that we seem to have perfected so well over the years.

It was the day after I'd told Lisbon that I loved her. I'd made myself a cup of tea and a coffee for her and had placed the mug on her desk before settling comfortably on her couch. She was scribbling away at some report or other and I didn't want to interrupt, I just wanted to be near. I'd just taken a sip of my drink when I realised that she'd stopped writing and I looked over to see what she was doing.

She'd stared at me intently then deliberately looked at my ringless hand and back up again to meet my gaze with concern in her eyes and a questioning quirk of her brows. I'd mimicked her pointed looks to my hand and up again then smiled back softly and nodded slightly. A moment later she'd blushed and smiled too then had gone back to her infernal scribbling.

No need for words; we understood each other perfectly.

And I'm happy with that. There's no need to dissect my decision. We both know what it means.

Besides, we've spent a lot of time talking about other things over the past few weeks. I want her to see that I meant what I said. I am opening up more and it is because I want to. Emotionally, it's actually been quite cathartic. I'd even go so far as to say that I believe it's brought us closer together.

Amazing really considering I so very nearly pulled us apart through my own damn idiocy. I learned my lesson but good and I won't risk losing her again.

Speaking of which, I should have seen or at least heard something by now. I guess our man isn't here after all.

The moon comes out from behind some clouds overhead, giving the clearing and shack that eerie, muted silvery glow that stands any horror movie in good stead and I try to catch a glimpse of my friends.

Nothing.

Something doesn't feel right to me and I'm just contemplating getting out of the car when, suddenly, all hell breaks loose.

Loud gunshots ring out; the staccato bursts of sound piercing the otherwise quiet night. I can see flashes of gunfire through the dirty, cracked window panes and hear Rigsby shout out something unintelligible as they try to apprehend the suspect.

As quick as the action starts, it stops again leaving the surrounding area unnaturally silent once more. I stare through the windscreen and just catch sight of the front door opening and our man creep stealthily out before clouds capture the moon in their embrace once more leaving everything in a blanket of near darkness.

I'm undecided what to do. I don't want him the get away but, although I'm certain Lisbon has a gun secreted in just about every available orifice within the car, I'm hesitant to confront him outright because well, quite frankly, I hate guns. Words are my ammunition but I doubt he's in any mood to talk right now. Maybe if I could just stall him somehow then Lisbon and the guys would have enough time to come and get him.

I can hear footsteps coming nearer, crunching on the dead twigs and leaves that are strewn over forest floor and know I don't have much time. I lean over the console and turn the keys that are still in the ignition so that I have power to the car's controls. Without starting the engine, I press the switch for the headlights and sit up in time to see the bright lights come full on and illuminate the clearing.

The man stops dead in his tracks and holds his arm up across his eyes, momentarily blinded by the glare. He recovers far quicker than I anticipate though and I fling myself back down across the console when I see him suddenly level his gun right at me.

Crap.

The windscreen erupts in an explosion of noise and I cover my head with my hands as I feel the shattered glass cascade over me in a brittle waterfall.

I'm suddenly very aware of my perilous situation and yet all I worry about is that Lisbon is going to be furious with me for getting the car damaged.

Before I can sit up, my door is yanked open and our suspect roughly drags me out by my arm. I wince as I feel the wrench on my shoulder at the violent movement but manage hold my hands up in a submissive gesture in spite of the pain.

He points his gun at my head and I swallow hard, trying to dampen down the sense of fear and panic I can feel rising rapidly within me. They say you can see your life flash before your eyes right before you die…all I see is Teresa's beautiful face.

And then, unexpectedly, I hear her voice…

"Put the gun down, Finlay," my fair rescuer commands but I can hear the slight wobble in her voice that belies her concern about the situation.

I look past our suspect and feel relief wash over me when I see her. A quick once over convinces me she's unhurt and my gaze darts to Cho and Rigsby who stand a couple of feet away either side of her; all their guns are trained on the man that was about to kill me.

Finlay stiffens momentarily then looks at me in a way that I already regret. Why, oh why did I turn on those blasted headlights? I should have just let him go and we could have found him another time…preferably in the daylight.

He moves quickly and grabs me by the jacket, pulling me to him. The next moment his arm is around my chest and his gun is pressed against my temple.

"No, you put the gun down or pretty boy here is dead," the killer threatens sourly.

Pretty boy? Really? Pretty I can live with but, boy? I'm offended.

"You won't kill me," I say keeping my voice as casual as I can manage. "You know they'll just come down harder on you in court…if one of these guys doesn't shoot you first of course."

"Shut up!" he orders gruffly.

"Jane!" Lisbon admonishes harshly.

"And you probably don't have any bullets left after that little altercation in the shack…"

"Wanna test it out, big mouth?" Finlay asks, pressing the barrel so hard against my head and I'm sure it's going to leave a mark.

"Jane, be quiet," Lisbon says curtly the fear and dismay clear on her face. She shakes her head at me in warning then relaxes her stance and holds up her gun for him to see before bending to place it onto the forest floor. She glances at Cho and Rigsby who reluctantly follow suit. I'm certain it's the wrong thing to do and am proved right when Finlay suddenly turns his gun on Lisbon.

My reaction is pure instinct at seeing the woman I love threatened and I push aside my dread and panic to elbow him hard in the gut then stamp heavily on his foot. It's enough to make him drop his arm but he still clings onto me for dear life.

All of a sudden it feels as if I've been hit by a truck as something, or someone, crashes into us and I'm slammed hard, face first, against the SUV with Finlay crushing me from behind. Pain radiates from my chest and breathing suddenly becomes more difficult. Abruptly, I feel that Finlay is gone and I turn slowly, leaning back on the car before sinking to the ground as I try to catch my breath.

I see Rigsby cuffing the suspect then Lisbon is on her knees by side, looking at me in blatant concern as she runs her hands over my face and body.

"Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you alright? Are you hurt? Where does it hurt? Jane?"

"That was you?" I ask in disbelief. "I thought it was Rigsby. Do you have some hidden super power or something you haven't told me about yet?"

"Patrick this is serious, where does it hurt?" she asks still prodding me.

She reaches a tender spot on my chest and I bat her hands away with a wince and a sharp intake of breath that just causes me even more pain.

"I'm fine, woman, stop fretting, I'm just winded, that's all," I gasp out a little more tetchily than I mean to be. It's just that I have a sinking feeling that it's slightly more serious than that because the throbbing pain coming from both my shoulder and my ribs is immense.

She looks understandably put out by my tone and I let out a huff of annoyance at myself for taking my hurting out on her. I gingerly push myself up to stand and she grabs hold of my injured arm to help. I let out a little yelp of pain and her arm immediately goes around my waist to support me.

"I'm getting you to a hospital," she says firmly. "Cho, call for back-up and tell them we need an ambulance." She pauses to look at the damaged SUV. "And a tow truck."

Cho does as he's asked and I, of course, protest most strongly.

"I don't want to go to the hospital, Lisbon," I say, wishing it didn't come out sounding quite so petulant.

"Stop whining," she snaps with a touch of irritation.

The fact that I need her to help me walk and I really can't quite catch my breath to argue the point means that I know I don't have any way to form a realistic retort. She leads me over to a large up-ended tree and I sit down on the trunk gratefully.

"I'll be right back," she says before walking off to where Cho has just finished his call. They have a quick conversation then he nods and she comes back over to me. "I'm going back to CBI with Rigsby to book Finlay. Cho's going to stay with you until the ambulance arrives."

I nod and reach out to grab her hand as she turns away.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you," I tell her with a contrite smile as she looks back. "And I'm fine, really. A couple of hours rest and I'll be good as new."

She stares back at me dubiously.

"Boss? Finlay's in the car. You ready to go?" asks Rigsby, interrupting the moment.

"Yeah, sure," she replies before looking back at me and giving my hand a brief squeeze. I think she's about to leave when she surprises me by bending down and giving me a quick kiss on the lips. "Go to the hospital, OK? You need checking over properly. I don't want to come out of interrogation and see you sitting on that damn couch."

"Meh," I reply blithely, not at all amazed how she knew that I'd already been trying to think of a way to persuade Cho to just take me back to the CBI too.

"Please, Patrick…for me?" she requests softly.

Although it's too dim to see her eyes in detail, I know exactly the appeal that her green depths hold for me to do as she asks.

Damn.

I was so determined not to go as well but how can I say no to that?

"Fine, I'll go," I mutter unenthusiastically.

"Good," she says far too brightly for my liking. She stands up and gives me a smile then heads off to the other car where Rigsby is waiting.

I hear them drive off then Cho saunters over and sits down next to me. He notices me grimace and from the wry quirk of his mouth apparently finds it amusing.

"How you doing?" he asks.

"I've been better," I reply, trying to find a comfortable way of sitting without moving too much. It's not an easy thing to achieve.

"Lisbon hits like a freight train," he comments wryly.

"You too?" I commiserate then take a deep steady breath and exhale slowly.

"Yeah. During training once. My back hurt for a month."

"That's my Lisbon, no half measures," I murmur affectionately then try to shift my posture again.

He looks at me for a moment then stares back over the clearing, still illuminated by the SUV's lights.

"Ambulance should be here in a minute," he says unnecessarily. I nod and he frowns a little, obviously perplexed. "Aren't you going to talk me into taking you back to the office?"

Really? Does everyone just know me now?

"Nah, thought I'd better get checked out this time," I answer dismissively.

"Lisbon told you to go, didn't she?" he guesses and actually grins. "Rigsby was right. You are whipped."

"If it's the right woman, Cho, it's simply called compromise," I counter with a smile.

He shakes his head still smiling then we hear the distant wail of the emergency services heading our way. Things move swiftly when they finally arrive and Cho gives out orders while I'm attended to by a paramedic.

As I had suspected, he tells me that I might have a couple of broken ribs and that I need an x-ray to make sure. They take me off to hospital and I spend the next couple of hours being prodded and poked. It's not really how I'd envisaged spending this evening I have to admit. Finally I'm told that nothing is broken, merely badly bruised. Oh, and I have a mild muscle strain in my shoulder.

I just need to use ice packs on the painful area's, take painkiller's if need be and I'm not to do anything physically strenuous in case I make it worse…for the next four weeks at least.

Why me?

If I believed in God, I'd think that he must hate me right about now.

They leave me all in peace to dress again and while my trousers are really not a problem, when it comes to my shirt with my shoulder starting to feel as though it's seizing up, I really find it a struggle.

"Here, let me help you," comes a welcome voice from the doorway and I look up in surprise.

"I could have been naked in here, Lisbon," I quip with a grin.

"I took my chances," she replies with an unconcerned shrug as she steps into the room.

She sees my chest and a pained expression crosses her features as she stops and gazes back at me in dismay. The bruising is already starting to come out and having looked in a mirror, I know it's not a pretty sight.

"It looks worse than it is," I fib. I think a lie in these circumstances is perfectly acceptable. She feels bad enough as it is. "But you're welcome to kiss it better if you don't believe me."

My invitation is deliberately reminiscent of the time I did just that to her poor cheek and it brings forth the smile I was hoping to see.

She walks over and for a moment I think she might just take me up on my offer but she takes my shirt from my hands instead. Very gently, she slides a sleeve up one of my arms then reaches around me to take hold of the other side of the fabric. The movement brings her flush against me, her face close to mine as she pulls the other sleeve up so all that's left to do is button my shirt. She clutches the ends in her hands but instead of fastening them together, she uses them to tug gently, pulling me down for a kiss.

I never need asking twice when it comes to that and only rue the fact that I can't press her more firmly against me. Even this is making everything hurt. I draw back reluctantly then she bends her head and sets about doing my shirt up.

"You scared the crap out of me tonight," she says, her voice sounding as shaky as her fingers suddenly feel. "He could have killed you, you know? You were lucky tonight but what happens if one day I don't get to you in time? Huh? How do you think that'd make me feel?"

"I don't know, you've never told me," I retort then regret it immediately when her eyes rise to mine and I can see them brimming with unshed tears. "I'm…"

"No, don't apologise," she says, turning away from me and running a hand through her hair before turning back. "You're right. I've never told you and that's just one of the things I can't stop thinking about…when I'm not seeing Finlay holding a damn gun to your head. What if I'd lost my chance to tell how I really feel?"

I let out a careful sigh and shake my head.

"You didn't. You haven't, Teresa. I'm still here and when you're ready to tell me I'll be more than willing to hear it…but not now. Not after a night like this when you're panicking because someone got a little too close for comfort. I want you say it when there's not a chance that you'll regret it the next morning. OK?"

She blinks a couple of times then gives a cursory sniff before nodding her head in acquiescence.

"OK. You're right."

"Of course I am," I reply with a smile. "Now, could you help me put my vest and jacket on? I'd like to get out of this place."

She does as I ask and we go out to her car then get in. She sets off and it takes me a little while to realise we're heading for her apartment. We pull up outside and I turn to her with a regretful smile.

"As much as I'd like to finish what we started earlier, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take a rain check," I tell her glibly.

She gives me a derisive look and shakes her head.

"Just shut up and get out," she orders without any real authority. "I'm not having you sleeping on that couch or in some uncomfortable bed in a crappy motel room tonight. You can stay here and get some proper rest."

I should decline but quite honestly I'm just too tired and in too much pain to argue right now so I simply do as she tells me and silently get out of the car. Once we're in her apartment, she tells me to go upstairs and get into bed.

How I wish she'd said that to me under different circumstances.

"I'll bring you up an ice pack and some painkillers," she adds as I slowly ascend.

I swear she can read my mind.

I manage to get my jacket off then gingerly lie down on top of the covers and feel myself begin to relax. She comes in a few moments later and I dutifully take the medication and apply the ice for a few minutes. She sits on the edge of the bed and waits until I'm done then takes the ice from me and runs her fingers through my hair as I close my eyes. It's nice and I quickly find myself succumbing to sleep.

"Night, Teresa," I murmur drowsily. "Love you." I hadn't realised I was quite so exhausted.

"Goodnight, Patrick," she whispers back. "Love you, too."

What the…? That wakes me up.

I force open my eyes and see her staring down at with a small smile.

"I'm still awake," I tell her needlessly, just in case she thought I'd fallen asleep before she'd told me.

"I know," she acknowledges, her smile widening. "Your eyes are open and everything."

Her hand is still gently stroking through my hair and I reach up to still her motion despite my protesting shoulder.

"Are you sure you're not going to regret in the morning?" I have to ask.

She looks down pointedly at her watch then back at me and says, "Well, since it's past midnight, I guess it is the next morning and you know what, Patrick?"

"What?" I prompt unable to contain my own smile now.

"I don't regret a thing," she says softly.

Happiness fills my entire being, dulling the pain as she leans down and gives me the sweetest kiss I think I've ever had. I want it to continue but frustratingly my injuries prevent it and I have to break contact far too soon.

"Stay with me," I request as she goes to move away. She pauses as if contemplating whether she should and I say jokingly, "I won't try anything, I swear."

A flash of guilt flares briefly in her eyes then she grins mischievously.

"I might though," she counters saucily and my breath hitches for a reason completely unrelated to my bruised ribs.

"No fair, Lisbon," I grumble half-heartedly then notice that she's got up and is walking to the door. "Aren't you staying?" I ask plaintively.

"I just want to put the ice pack away then I'll be right back," she tells me before she leaves.

I listen contentedly to the sounds of her moving about downstairs and enjoy the whole feeling of domesticity it lends. This might not be the way that I'd envisaged ending up in Lisbon's bed but having her finally admit her feelings for me…well, I think that more than makes up for it.

In truth, I wouldn't have it any other way.

END CHAPTER 11