#throwaway

[manicpixiedckgirl]

at some point android added exporting of active photos as gifs and now I feel like a character from the Lizzie Bennet diaries. anyway, happy Monday 💕

[himalayev]

[noisydonutcat]

I'm sick of people making straight characters gay!!

Lucifer is straight. He even says he likes women in the cartoon!!

We need Vivziepop to like, confirm him to be straight so people wont ship him with people who are NOT women. He's HETEROSEXUAL!!!

If you're not a woman, DONT SELF-SHIP WITH HIM!!!

AND IF THE OC/PERSON ISN'T A WOMAN, DONT SHIP WITH HIM!!!

VIVZIE NEEDS TO CONFIRM HE'S STRAIGHT, I SWEAR TO GOD.

[trashogram]

DN fandom: “Lol Light is so gay, if Misa was my gf I’d never get anything done!”

Me: *Sees Light’s blatant hatred of women all throughout the series and even his relationship with L is malevolent the entire time* “So… misogyny and off-shoot toxic masculinity mean someone is gay? Um… do you guys know how that sounds?”

[therealbjeanv3]

FP.02

“You’re a snack

Cut yourself some slack

Stop focusing on your self perceived lack

It’s not true, just a twisted fact

Rest up, do some moves on the mat

It’s not that serious

Don’t make yourself delirious

Just be curious

Stand up and never fold

Don’t let this world make you cold”

[stfuidontwanturconversation]

[rotten-mind-throwaway]

There's one thing I've accomplished with the years, and that's being able to keep a straight face while I'm telling lies about not liking (romantically) a friend, to pretend I don't dream about them every day and every night, that I don't wanna kiss them and be between their arms, to tell them that I love them...

[goesawaytonight]

[yourestillinsidemyhead]

[himalayev]

[sittingshadow]

My weird imaginary friend story

Hey, I wanted to tell my story somewhere because I don’t really know who I can tell it to. I’m a bit embarrassed by it I guess. But I don’t want to stay stuck in my head.

A month ago or so I watched the video on the game “Who’s Lila” by the youtuber Flaw Peacock (yeah, that’s really his name). It’s a very long and very interesting video that explains the story and the mysteries of the game. The story touches on some interesting subjects like what it means to be a character in a story, what is a personality and is it alterable etc…

One thing I discovered is what a Tulpa is. It was the first time I heard this word so I’m not the most knowledgeable but here is the gist of it: a Tulpa is an imaginary friend that is so well constructed in your head it feels like a real person. It is not a second personality or another person sharing the same brain like in DID. It is a simulation of an identity. It is like creating a character for a story and you know so well that character in and out that it comes easily to you to predict what the character would respond to any question, or do in any situation. Tulpa are willingly created by their “host” who has to make a real effort to “manifest” them in their head.

I’m saying all that because I think I accidentally created a Tulpa when I was a child. You see, when I was around 4, I thought that thinking “was dumb” because you create all those ideas in your head but nobody is here to listen to it. So I decided that I will instead be sharing it with someone and I started to imagine myself talking to another person. Who I was talking to didn’t matter so because I wasn’t putting any effort in visualizing it, it became a shadowing figure sitting on a chair. It didn’t do anything and it wasn’t supposed to, talking to it was like picking up a fake phone and pretending to talk to  someone at the other end of the line.

The thing is, every time I was thinking, I was talking to it, and I mean every time. It became incredibly easy to visualize it in my head, not only that but I also was able to move around it, walk in a circle and move my hands to better express myself. It didn’t feel real,but it felt more real than to just think “I’m moving”. If I were in a simulation I think this is how it would feel, it also feels a bit like a dream, because even though “I” was present and moving, my point of view was not from “my” eye but as an omniscient viewer.

For years this is how I was thinking, I never felt alarmed by it because I was a child, and nothing ever happened. I just talked to the shadow and it would sit here, it looked a bit creepy but because it never moved I never feared it. It was like a mannequin, looked a bit weird but I see it every day so it’s more comforting than anything. When I was around 10 I thought to myself:

“Eh, if I told people I talk to a shadow in my head, they would think I’m crazy or something!

…

…

Oh god….

Am I crazy?“”

That's when I became more anxious about my situation. I was scared of the prospect of being “crazy”. I was scared to talk about it to anyone because I was scared they would confirm that something is wrong with me. I also became more doubtful around the shadow. It still didn’t do anything, I just became more aware how creepy looking it was. I still talk to it because that’s how I worked for years. I didn’t even think about changing my way of thinking. I wasn’t putting any effort in imagining, I just was here, I was stuck in a room with a shadow and that's how it was. It was still nice to talk to it when I wasn’t thinking about the potential meaning of my mental health.

I eventually talked about it to my family when I was 12 years old. We were talking about mental health stuff, like what is the difference between Schizophrenia and DID and stuff. And I brought up the shadow in my head. And of course everyone laughed because that sounded ridiculous. It made me very upset and I left the table in tears. The fact that everyone thought it was a joke only confirmed that it wasn’t normal, and the feeling of being laughed at when you open up on a personal subject is awful.

I became angry at the shadow, I started screaming at it, to just leave or at least do something. I wasn’t “talking to it”, it is like getting angry at a painting of a person, you don’t expect the painting to respond. But it did respond in a way. It got up, walked toward me, hugged me, and then walked away into nothing. I was stunned, I didn’t do anything when it moved because I never saw it move before, let alone touched it. It was so surprising that it made me stop crying.

Later my parents came to see me in my room and apologized for laughing at me, and said that if I was worried about it I could go talk to a psychiatrist. I couldn’t say “don’t worry just the shadow disappeared just after I talked about it, so it’s ok!”, so I just say that I will think about it but that I will be alright. We never talked about it again, I think they now have forgotten about it.

The shadow never reappeared, I miss it, it made me anxious but it really was a comforting presence. The chair, me moving and the 3D environment also fade away with time, I now think in your standard 1 voice in my head. Sometimes I visualize written words on a board when I want to analyze phrases.

So I stopped, I got a snack, watched some video and I felt better.

So yeah, I forgot and the video on Lila made me remember. And I discovered Tulpa and I wonder if I could bring my shadow back by manifesting it, “forcing it” to exist. And I tried, and it was… weird. Maybe I did it wrong I don’t know but I don’t want to try again. I tried to imagine myself talking to it, it wasn’t the same as before but that was to be expected. The thing is it was almost impossible to imagine the shadow again, I can picture it but it’s like printing it on a paper, it’s far from the presence it was before and it feels more fake than anything. I became agitated, I tried to call it, to plead with it to come back. I try to see where it went, that void around me.  I tried to talk to something that was outside of my conscious and it felt weird because my consciousness literally revolved around me. It was like a step out of bound of my mind, I wasn’t supposed to be here, there was nothing and I was too much in here.

And I don’t know who I can talk to because I don’t have my shadow anymore, so why not here.

[kicksnscribs]

Napkin doodles from the past couple of days, no ref just using memory and maybe no more than 5-10 mins at most on all of them.

[howaboutcastiel]

I wanna talk about my dream last night because

First of all, I was back in high school (yuck) with all of those kids plus some of my college friends. Apparently I was aware that it was an alternate dimension and the kids who were stem geniuses were given special treatment (and bulletproof vests, literally, because murica) and I was apparently one of them?? But I turned it down because of the responsibility or whatever. So anyway Apple Inc makes the apocalypse happen kind of. They release a zombie virus and the antidote is wearing an Apple Watch (I got no fucking clue lmao). Luckily I was already wearing one ??? But I had to run from zombies and I ran into the school bathroom where there was a secret entrance to like a cool hang out place and then I made out with a hot trans girl (happy pride lmao) and then the police caught us because Hey it’s The Apocalypse you can’t kiss in here

Anyway, if anyone knows how to stop having “I’m still in high school” dreams, lemme know