#to be good and normal and nonthreatening and lovable and acceptable

[soullessjack]

okay last post before I conk out cuz it’s 6am now but like. Why does the fandom ignore Jacks canon anger issues. Like we all saw the scene where he was so enraged by someone’s death that he consciously attempted to strangle Maggie’s assumed killer, roughly threw Cas aside for intervening and couldn’t snap out of it until Dean fired shots into his back and made him aware of his behavior. We all saw that right. Why do you guys keep Steven Universe-ifying him

[sobdasha]

thinking about Kagura today

I wasn't sure at first how I felt about her episode in the reboot versus the manga, but now I think it actually touched on some very important things for her character and I appreciate that so now I'm going to talk about it!

As plenty of other people have pointed out, Kagura's storyline is kinda weird. It starts off with over-the-top embarrassing comic violence, "it's a terrible relationship but it's played for laughs!", but then she gets really good and deep when she confesses to Kyou, and then she more or less drops off the face of the story. Like I like Kagura, but she's not one of my top faves, and when I'm not reading early manga volumes it's really very easy to completely forget about her.

And I think the "haha look she beats on Kyou isn't this funny!" bit that's played up so hard early on tends to disguise the fact that Kagura's character does have some real emotional depth. But I think something the reboot does right is to touch on that depth early on, amidst the chaos. Laying the groundwork now for future revelations, and also to punch you in the feels when you rewatch.

If Tohru and Akito are a parallel and a mirror-image, Tohru and Kagura are...I'm not sure. Kagura's a bit like Akito, but also a bit not.

Let's start here. Kagura is a bitty child. She's born cursed by the spirit of the Boar, and so it appears to be her fault that her family life is a shambles. Her parents argue a lot (specifically about her), her mom cries after. Her dad probably doesn't love her. She's got what looks to be a decent relationship with her mom in the future, but who knows what it was like as a child, maybe it seemed that her mom didn't love her either. Either way, Kagura is still the cause of her mom's suffering.

And Kagura is surely aware her life is going to be difficult and terrible and isolated. (Adults talk about it all the time in the family, after all. And kids aren't that stupid.) She's not "normal." She can't have a "normal" life with "normal" people. She hates herself.

She's a little kid, and she's already aware that she's running out of time to find someone other than God that she can be loveable to, and she's desperate. She doesn't want to be alone forever.

And then Kagura stumbles across Kyou.

Bless Kyou. Because her life sucks, but Kyou's life sucks so much more. Kyou doesn't even have friends among the other Zodiac members. Kyou's drawing fried eggs in the dirt alone because his mom doesn't let him socialize or watch TV. Kagura's life might be hard, and adults might talk, but it's nothing compared to the way they talk about and pity and put-down Kyou.

Kagura's so relieved, she finally starts feeling good about herself as she says she'll play with Kyou out of the goodness of her heart because he's so pitiful and has nothing at all.

(A few bonuses she probably hasn't figured out in their entirety yet, but she probably had a hint of an idea about at various points in her life: Kyou is also a Zodiac, so loving him isn't as problematic as trying to love a "normal" person, it's so much more convenient that way. And because Kyou is a Zodiac like her, Kagura doesn't have to worry about that part of her not being lovable to him. And presumably Kyou being the ostracized Cat keeps Kagura from being a threat to and a target for Akito.)

So Kagura makes friends with Kyou, pats herself on the back for a job well-done, is now no longer alone because she knows she's lovable to at least one person, and it because it's a person who's surely even more desperate than her she knows he can't get away…

And then she messes up, sees Kyou's true form, runs away in fear, realizes she's ruined all her chances, and after keeping her distance for a while she gets even more desperate and tries to force "love" on Kyou harder than ever in order to not get left alone, and also to kill off past!Kagura, who went from being a Good Girl Who Accepts The Cat to Awful Person Who Ran Away From The Monster, so now Kagura will be able to feel good about herself again when she becomes Kagura Who Accepts Kyou The Monster.

(Kyou's not fond of this whole thing. Kyou's been trying to pull away from their friendship, and he's definitely trying to pull away from a relationship. But none of that matters, right, because it's not like Kyou has any other options, right, so Kagura just has to keep trying, right?)

So when Tohru comes along, Kagura immediately gets worried and scared. Because like Akito, Kagura's been trying to force a bond on Kyou. And if Kyou meets someone outside that bond, someone who can love him the way Kagura hasn't been able to...that person will ruin everything. Tohru could very well take away Kagura's only chance at not being lonely and unlovable forever.

(Tohru pours and pours her love out indiscriminately in the hopes that one day for one moment someone, in whatever small way, will reciprocate back. Akito demands and demands love from people she's told she can expect to get it from, in the hopes that she'll actually feel it. Kagura, I think, projects her love--onto Kyou, specifically--not as a gift, and not exactly as a one-sided demand, but as an obligation; she's already anticipating that this unwavering, passionate devotion she's showing is what she should be receiving from Kyou in exchange.)

That brings me to what I think the reboot episode did really right. I made a "meh" face at first when I realized they were (reasonably) padding the episode out with "Kagura breaks things!" filler like the original anime had done. But then…it took a different turn. I try to avoid the original anime, so I might be wrong and they may have tried to so something like this too, but in the reboot I really get a very strong feeling of Kagura's vulnerability here.

Kagura's so very desperate to prove herself, to prove to everyone (herself included) that she loves everything about Kyou and would do anything for Kyou and their love is so strong that Tohru couldn't possibly be a threat. Kagura's fighting against that feeling that she's running out of time, and the harder she fights the more she wrecks things, and then she's running out of the house in tears trying to fix this spiraling mess.

And Tohru comes, and Kagura says, "Hey, Tohru? I wanna thank you, for coming to find me." And Tohru takes half the bag, and engages her in nonthreatening chit-chat, and it's just. Ughhhhhhhh it's so soft and gay and gentle and I die. I die every time.

And at first I never know how to unpack this moment--I know it's significant, I know it's gonna have a ton of resonance, but I'm never quite sure what it's alluding to.

And then I rewatched the episode just before starting to type this up and--

Later, on the roof, Tohru tells Kyou: "Isn't it a blessing to have someone care about you? Someone who worries about your happiness, and wants to always be by your side?"

That soft gay gentle moment that changes Tohru and Kagura's dynamic, and makes them start to become friends, is because Tohru just showed Kagura she's lovable exactly as she is, that Kagura isn't as alone as she thinks she is, no matter what happens with Kyou. And Kagura felt that, and Kagura appreciated that, and it's going to kick off some uncomfortable character development for Kagura in the future and ultimately cause her to lose Kyou but instead she'll gain a better peace with herself.

In the end, after Kagura gives up on Kyou, she takes time for herself to develop her own person and interests outside of her desperation to Not End Up Alone. It's a shame we don't get to see much at all of her, but it's referenced at the end--she's still a little bitter about it, but she does go Whatever, I don't need to be dating someone, everyone else can be all lovey-dovey if they want, my job working with little kids is perfectly fulfilling and I'm happy damnit.

(I am also in the camp of hoping that Kagura realizes she's a lesbian and settles down with a nice girl in the future. There's no reason she can't be happy alone, but she did sound bitter about it so I do want her to be happy with a girlfriend.)