#to people being soooo scared to create dark content or create dark content that actually explores the horrible repercussions and trauma

[aimfor-theheart]

i can litcherally connect every issue people complain about within fandom in recent years to late stage capitalism

[unohanadaydreams]

Stuck In A Trashcan Headcanons

Featuring the DILFS

I have no actual explanation for this. Even the ppl who know why I did this didn’t ask for it. Nonetheless, welcome to my LITERAL TRASH CONTENT.

Ryuken Ishida

He commandeers the majority of the dumpster and has it sanitized and lined in plastic all within the first couple of hours. You may not touch him.

This is yet another thing he will hold over the heads of shinigami as being their fault. He will rant about this endlessly, but in an educational and knowing tone, so he can deny ranting.

He says the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to you, indicating that he is scared he will be stuck in this abomination of the Soul Society while also displaying a bare minimum of good will toward you, since you might be stuck forever. You absolutely hold hands.

Isshin Kurosaki

He finds this to be a weird, yet exciting adventure. He settles in, an arm slung around you shoulders, and winks while he downplays the situation.

A lot of straight up genius shinigami are in his acquaintance so he figures everything will blow over and this odd dumpster will spit you both out in no time.

You’ll absolutely exit the trashcan married. He tends to wear on people easily and he’s likable past the obnoxiousness. There’s a trash molded statue of you in the corner.

Kisuke Urahara

He created the trashcan, so he understand it’s on a timer but that doesn’t mean he’ll tell you that.

With a sly flick of his fan, he drops increasingly dark comments about how you two might be stuck here forever. He might be the last man you ever see. He seems much too smug when you relent to cuddling.

All of the trash is transmutated candy from the shop, so he throws it back no problem, despite his insistence that he just can’t take it anymore. He’s just soooo hungry. How horrible to be reduced to this.

Kenpachi Zaraki

The only one to try and fight their way out. You’re forced to press your body to a far corner to avoid being hit by his wildly flailing sword. It takes almost a whole day before he gives it up.

He does not know the trash is fake but he eats it anyway. He figures he’s eaten worse. In fact, he finds any hesitance on your part worthy of some chuckles and smirks. It won’t bite back, he promises.

The chances of you leaving the dumpster not fucking Kenpachi are so low that it’s barely mentionable. He’s kind of an asshole, but not to you--it’s just that devil may care attitude he carries. And cuddling for warmth pushed you both over the edge.

[kimdaily]

Can you reflect on your experience as a popular bts tumblr blog? Maybe describe how it felt when you were at your peak in a fandom that was stanning a group that was beginning to dominate kpop vs how it feels now to still be present (and still fairly popular I assume! ) in the tumblr sphere of the fandom post bts blowup? Also what do you miss most from your early days on here? And what are you most grateful for now?

oh wow this is such a fun question djgndskgn ummm okay well

I looooooved being on tumblr, it was an escape from my reality and pressures of school and life. before this blog “blew up?” it was so fun and relaxing. I met soooo many amazing people, a lot of which I’m still currently friends with outside of tumblr/have visited/travelled the world with/stayed with/ have stayed with me, etc. it was incredible, it was such a nice welcoming community, I was able to just be myself, talk to fellow fans, create content, act dumb, joke around, meme, talk about serious things, have in depth discussions about so many things bts and non bts related. especially with being a blog for one of the least ‘liked’ or stanned members, it really meant that everyone who was following me was a namjoon stan and wanted nothing more than to just talk about him, it was like a tight knit community within a huge community. it was so crazy and so exciting to see the fandom grow with every comeback. that was my favourite time during entire time with this blog on tumblr. that was my favourite part. people who spoke to me were genuine and kind, they wanted to get to know me, the person behind the blog and also just treated me like a human lol which definitely changed drastically

then this blog really started to get a loooottt of traction, and as soon as I hit 10k, things really changed and it was never the same. as this blog continued to grow bigger and bigger, things became increasingly intense, and INCREDIBLY negative and just super stressful. as the followers continued to grow, the less people viewed me as an actual human who was doing things on here during my incredibly limited free time as my own escape and ‘fun’ time, and the more they treated me like, straight garbage? lol I was constantly being picked apart, everything I said was scrutinized, things I would say would always, without fail get twisted and people with do whatever they can to get whatever negative narrative they wanted. I remember me once saying it was none of our business to discuss the members sexuality and that we shouldn’t just assume their sexuality and to leave them be, somehow turned into me ‘pushing a straight agenda’??? and I was literally just dragged. which still to this day I still don’t understand how people somehow decided to take that out of what I said. I was always happy to speak to everyone and help anyone with any question they had but  at one point, despite me still trying my best, I was treated really poorly and like a literal like machine. if I missed something, or didn’t post something my inbox was always full of people yelling at me that this was my job and my job was to make things and keep the entire fandom updated with what’s going on. I also fully remember missing namjoons solo comeback because I was at work, and couldn’t be present to gif and make content, I got a shittttt load of asks telling me I was a horrible namjoon fan who doesn’t support him and stuff? like lol okay? what? or I would get yelled at if I didn’t respond to asks in a timely manner, because that was once again ‘my job’. my inbox also became google apparently. I would get hundreds of asks a day, with not a single person talking to me, and if I didn’t respond to those asks, I would get yelled at. I never really spoke about how many followers I had because tbh it didn’t really matter, I actually would often wish I was back to being a 5k blog and just having a good old time, I would get horrible asks about me being a bitch because this blog was ‘popular’ and that because it was, I was a horrible person?? or to just shut up because no one cares about me, or that I thought highly of myself because this was a ‘big blog’ which I still don’t understand, because I never acted differently throughout the years on this blog. I was always just myself. if anything I just became more closed off and learned to not bother speaking about myself/things going on in my life because I felt like people would be happier if I just did my ‘job’ even though this blog, was always just a personal blog that had a loooott of bts content, I was not like a dedicated bts blog. oh and I remember because I always was and still am a very blunt straight forward person, I would just speak whatever is on my mind, people would always misconstrue that as me being mean or rude. but anyway, I digress

I remember becoming incredibly scared to post, to say things, to do things because I was scared of continuously being attacked. I was scared to open my inbox, or my messages. like tbh even writing this I’m thinking “omg what if I don’t word something perfectly and people will get mad at me.” it’s honestly such a weird feeling to feel like you have to constantly edit yourself but also still trying to be yourself? idk how to explain it

but as much as I would crack and let all this shit get to me at times and publicly get upset, hurt or mad, I would also keep a lot of it to myself and just deal with the toxicity on my own, and just delete a lot of the messages or asks I got. because to me this blog was an escape, not just for me, but for everyone who followed me. I didn’t want people to come here and just see the negative shit constantly, I wanted them to continue to come here, have fun, and forget about whatever was going on in their lives, even if it was for just a few minutes. so even though that was no longer the case for me, I still wanted that for others. but it also got to the point that I was scared to turn off anon because I was scared of the potential backlash, but I also wanted those who wanted to be anonymous, who were not comfortable talking to me off anon to have that comfort in the anonymity etc. things just were really difficult, I always felt like what I was doing was wrong no matter what.

it also was very disheartening to notice a lot of other people only wanting to befriend me or interact with me because of the size of this blog. it kinda made it hard to become close to people after a while. people would make assumptions about me or literally hated me without even talking to me just because of the size of this blog.

there were so many times I wanted to delete this blog and make a new blog where no one knew who I was, just so I can start off fresh and relive the best parts of blogging in the first place. just have fun again. but I also didn’t find it fair to those who followed me, who relied on this blog for some sort of comfort. nor did I find it fair for me to lose something I worked hard on, and loved  

but on the other hand, there were SO MANY incredible people that followed me that made everything feel worth it. and I am so incredibly thankful and grateful for each and everyone of you. some of you really helped me when I was having some of the hardest times. some of the messages I would get had such a positive impact on me and my life. and like I mentioned before, I have met some amazing friends because of this site that are still some of my closest friends to this day. and for that, I will always be beyond thankful.

unfortunately I can’t say much about what has really happened on tumblr in the last like almost 2 years? I haven’t been around much and definitely would not consider this blog very if at all relevant haha in like mid? 2018 I kinda vanished from this site. I had a looooot of things going on in my personal life, like an insane amount of very complex, dark, hard, just straight up depressing things going on, and I was not able to deal with all of that, and the darkness of this blog so I left. I never meant for it to be as long as it has been, but it kinda just happened. like tbh part of me would love to kinda just open up about everything, though I did post a little something vaguely explaining what was going on with me. I know it didn’t make sense but I also wouldn’t even know where to start when it comes to explaining what has been going on. I also know because of what has happened with me, I was a real shitty person to some people on here. I also feel terrible that I had over 100 messages I never got around to answering during this time, and the 600+ asks I have sitting in my inbox right now. I know I let a lot of people down. but I also would like to say thank you to everyone and anyone who tried to reach out to me or giving me their best wishes during that time despite me not responding to most of you. please know I read every single thing that was sent to me, thank you

like part of me wishes I never left, but I know I wouldn’t have been able to do both, I was barely able to even survive what is going on in my personal life. I really miss this blog, I miss making things, I miss interacting with people, I miss fangirling, I miss so many things about this blog. despite everything, I would not take any of it back. having this blog was such a fun and unique experience, for the most part at least.

some unique ass moments like the fact I made a goupchat for namjoon stans to have fun and interact with each other and befriend each other in a more accessible and less intimidating way than over tumblr and I think at the peak there was 300+ people in that chat. and that chat is I believe 3 years old and is still active to this day. or that I somehow was in talks with a lot of namjoon fansites and actually worked closely with a namjoon fansite working on things. or people recognizing me in public which I still find wild, meeting some of you at the concerts and hanging out. or being able to befriend people with the same interests as me, becoming close friends and travelling together/visiting each other, etc. or the fact that I was able to help some of you though out some dark or difficult times, or opening up to me with things you’d not feel comfortable talking to with anyone else. or being told I was the inspiration for some of you to do so many things, like going back to school, changing majors, seeking help, loving yourself, etc. or getting sent fan art of myself???? that was crazy! there are so many more things I could say, but this post is already so long, and I doubt anyone is even still reading haha. but I never thought things like that would have happened to me ever, but it did, and I will be forever so thankful to all of you. thank you, and thank you to everyone who was there or me during the ups and downs. I know I wasn’t always the greatest friend I could have been, thank you for accepting me for who I was, thank you for being there when I needed an escape, thank you for everything.

this whole post is probably so poorly written, but esdljgknx I tried, I know I’m leaving out soooooooooo many things that I could have said or should have said, but this is already sooooo long holy. plus I have to get back to working on my stuff, the reason I came out to this coffee shop I’m sitting at right now haha

[skamfairy]

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - thoughts after reading it for the first time

oh my god it’s come to this. we made it. WE ARE HERE. at the end. im emotional. shsajhahjs THATS AN UNDERSTATEMENT. This whole book has left me so emotionally drained but not in a bad way. it made me feel so so so much and change everything and i’m just shjjhsahjas I GOT A LOT OF THOUGHTS but i’m also worried i’ll forget things cos i took a long time to read this and a lot happened so ashjashjas let’s see how i go (i really should have kept notes as i read but i’m chaotic and it’s too late sajsahj i’ll do that if i ever review a book on here again) 

THIS IS SO LONG so if you read all of this then sajhsajha wow you must really love me or harry, or both sdhjasjhahjssajh 💖

ALRIGHT lets start with dudley!! it feels like years ago now but when he actually showed feelings towards harry it was soooo good and unexpected and i really really loved that choice. like showing that he’s not a villain or anything and that he does actually care for harry despite being such a brat his whole life sahjsahj idk it made me remember that he’s just a kid too who was also raised by the dursley’s you know? anyway i loved it and i’m hoping harry and him do sorta keep in touch. 

this also feels like a big part of the theme in this series i want to touch on. I feel like instead of villainising characters straight up, we sorta get to see that when you are shown nothing but cruelty and disrespect then they are the traits you will only know as you grow and it’s really sad but also creates incredible empathy and understanding in the reader when you see characters like draco and dudley kinda follow what their parents teach them. and then when you get that reminder with both characters that that’s not really them and once they begin to think for themselves or get shown something else they can finally branch away from that and be who they really are. That’s what i love so much in this series! being able to see that they aren’t evil or bad they’ve just been taught shitty behaviour and they can change once they follow their own beliefs and not those of their parents.

i also had a slight critique about slytherin’s potrayal here shjashj but i deleted it cos i felt like i ranted more than i should ashjashj but basically i just felt like there was sooooo much anti-slytherin content in the series but i got it cos i figured it was all building up to a big SLYTHERINS ARE GOOD TOO LETS BE FRIENDS moment and i mean i wasn’t wrong? we got that sorta, in the end when harry talked to his son and told him that slytherins are cool too, although the example was snape jhsjhsa. but yeah i think after all that i was expecting something more idk. especially cos i found it weird that not a single slytherin was in dumbledores army or fought on the order of phoenix side in the battle. like they all just left! but idk maybe i’m too new to hp to understand sahjsahj i just thought at least a couple slytherins would fight just to show that not all of them are bad but maybe they were scared cos of voldemort’s ties to the house shjashj sorry this still turned into a bit of a rant but i’m not like annoyed just surprised. imagine a character who was in the squad but they were slytherin sjhasjh

ANYWAY back on track shjasjhas 

hedwig dying broke my god damn heart 

IM CRYING remember when fred and george got turned into harry’s and they turned to each other and said in sync “WOW WE’RE IDENTICAL!” im sorry i just flicked to that page by accident to remember what to discuss next and that just made me laugh again im sahjahjhjsa

SO I GUESS THAT MEANS IT’S TIME TO TALK ABOUT FRED AND GEORGE. okay yes so they are two of my fave characters EVER not just in hp but in anything i’ve ever read or watched. they bring me so much laughter and happiness and while reading this series, when i was feeling down and i needed something to get my mind of things, i would read hp. but every single time a line from fred or george came up, it would make me feel SO much joy and i can’t express how much they both helped me and brought light into my life while reading this series. and they’ll always hold a special place in my heart. i’m so thankful for this series because it introduced me to some of the most beautiful characters i’ve ever met. and fred and george are two of them. They showed how much you can give and help in such a horrible situation, just by giving people something to laugh about and that was so so so incredible to read. to see that you don’t have to be super brainy like hermione or strong or brave like ron and harry to be important and a hero. bringing light and laughter in people’s lives during a dark time is just as heroic and meaningful as anything else and i love that fred and george represented that power. (but also they had everything else too sajashjhjas) anyway i really love them. and i remember while reading this book, fred pulled the same joke he did when we first saw him in book one and it made me emotional because we have come so far and he’s still just as warm and joyful as he was 7 years ago. losing him was the worst thing in the whole series, not worst in the sense that it didn’t make sense or anything because it did and i’m glad i could feel soooo much but it was the worst thing by it hurting the worst for me personally and ishjajhashjsa im never gonna get over it. everytime i think about it i cry like i am now dammit sdhjsahjajh SO LETS CHANGE THE SUBJECT 

oh my god one of the things that broke my heart early on wasn’t even a death but hermione erasing herself from her parents minds to protect them???? That’s absolutely heartbreaking and sad and i love her so much. she is so clever but also so caring and brilliant and she does whatever she needs to and it’s just fucking hell it was so sad and i just hope it all worked out and she was able to undo it cos i’m really stressing about it i don’t want her to lose her parents :(( and they love her so much like we never got to see them much but i remember in the second book how supportive they were even tho it was so out of their element and scary they were just happy for their daughter and GAH I’M EMOTIONAL anyway i love hermione so much, moving on.

Ron and harry fighting??? MADE ME AGE A THOUSAND YEARS OUT OF STRESS AND PAIN that’s the worst, i hate it. i hate it when they fight. it breaks my heart because you know how much ron means to harry. he’s his number one, he’s his family, his best friend, the first person to ever love him and show him loyalty and love and what it’s like to have a brother who loves you like sahajshhjas IM SORRY ONE OF MY FAVE THINGS IN THIS WHOLE SERIES IS THEIR RELATIONSHIP 100% they mean everything to me. Ron is so insecure because he constantly feels like he’s in harry’s shadow but what he doesn’t realise is that when it comes to harry, everyone else is in his shadow because ron is the most important person to him. i mean don’t get me wrong they love hermione too ashjsahjahj but like ron and harry <3 it’s special they need each other im super asjhhajs im sorry im so passionate about their friendship and chosen family it means so much to me. like i hated it when they fought in goblet of fire and THEN I HAD TO GO THROUGH IT AGAIN??? but the scene where they made up literally made me cry and scream in happiness i love them so much i don’t want them to ever not be in each others lives. 

honestly i like ron and hermione! idk if that’s unpopular or what but i feel like they do make sense and their relationship was actually built up based on actual connection and years of developing.....unlike some people who never even talked and then woke up and suddenly were in love for no reason *cough*

TIME TO TALK ABOUT SAD THINGS AGAIN! dobby dying was absolutely horrible that whole chapter was SO DARK and scary and i was actually genuinely frightened for the first time in the series i was so so so scared it was horrible and then dobby came like an angel and saved the day and then he was just....gone??? it was so unfair and so sad and just i hate it so much i can’t comprehend it. he was a free elf! he didn’t deserve this. no one deserved this. that’s what was so tragic about the deaths in this series and it’s what makes everything so real. im so sad god dammit let me find something less sad to talk about again. 

HARRY IS THE DESCENDANT OF THE BROTHER WHO CHOSE THE INVISIBILITY CLOAK FROM THE DEATHLY HALLOW STORY!!!! ahhhhh im so happy i love that harry is related to something so cool and ahhhhhhhh it’s honestly so good and exciting how everything came together naturally like that. and CAN WE TALK ABOUT HIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?? like how he literally went from saying he would choose the ressurrection stone, to in the end, just leaving it in the middle of the forest? im so proud of him he breaks my heart and i just wanna protect him forever i’ve never loved someone so much like ashjsajhsa i need to stop but seriously, harry is my absolute everything i love this god damn kid help. 

speaking of people who love harry.... jhsjhassjjas i really really love draco. like i feel so protective of this kid? i want to know more more more about him and i want to help him and go back in time and keep him away from all that bullshit dark stuff i can’t wait to read all the fics that analyse him because i know he’s actually a genuine good? i feel like he is. his parents let him down and he didn’t have any healthy relationships in his life to help him see another side of things even tho i know and really feel like if he did, things would have been different. he was just a kid and you could see he didn’t want this he hated it, he was so scared and alone and sahjsahjhjsa IM SORRY I LOVE HIM 

OKay can i just roast voldemort for a sec by saying, he is TERRIBLE at researching plans before execution and thinking through things like he acted like a silly egotistic child im so. how did the death eaters take him seriously? i don’t understand OKAY YES I KNOW HE HAS SO MUCH POWER but pfft he kept taking snapes credit for killing dumbles. but then it turned out dumbles asked snape to anyway so like sjshjjhsa and harry roasted him with that himself. i love that kid. anyway yeah i can’t wait to make voldemort memes forever this dude is so sjsajasjkajsk i hate him but also enjoy hating him. 

Remus and tonks :((( im so sad i love lupin so much it’s not fair but also now teddy is an orphan after a war just like harry and now harry is the godfather to teddy just like sirius was to him :(( im emotional. 

MOLLY SLAYED BELLATRIX I LOVE HER “NOT MY DAUGHTER YOU BITCH!” jhsdjhsjhsdj queen

okay okay okay finally i’ll address the thing that MESSED ME UP oh my god sajhhjashjsa so i have been complaining for ageeeees that i want LILY! BACKSTORY! and when i didn’t get it in half blood prince i was devastated sahjsahjjhsa and i figured it was never going to happen and then when i least expected it I GET ACTUAL LILY BACKSTORY CONTENT from the man i have been roasting and hating since book one im sahjshajhjas the irony kills me. anyway lily was just as amazing as i thought she was. i love her so much she’s so beautiful and kind and loyal and compassionate. she’s everything <3 and honestly i was actually able to empathise with snape? their friendship was so pure and sweet and i can’t believe he was her best friend in hogwarts this whole time. it’s really sad how he let himself be drawn to dark magic because she was never going to give up on him. him being drawn to that magic, and calling her a slur was what pushed her away and also brought her closer to james so, thanks for helping harry be born mate ashjjhas idk it’s sad and i empathise with snape now and now i can understand things i couldn’t before. LIKE EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW. it’s like the missing piece has been found and i can see everything with new eyes it’s insane. and i remember seeing something about obsessive love in half blood prince and guessing that it was foreshadowing something and i think this is it. it’s just sad :(( and he actually was on dumbledores side im so sahjsahjhjas this whole thing was such a mindfuck idk what to think. but yeah i do emphasise with snape. do i like him now? no 🙈 sorry BUT i can understand him better and his character intrigues me it’s just really sad but he’s still an adult who bullies children. and daaaamn he hated harry, lucky for us he loved lily more than voldemort tho whoop i’m pretty sure my older sister loves snape tho so maybe i’m being too harsh idk 

HARRY WAS A HORCRUX??? i can’t that was epic and such a shock what in the world. i’m so happy how things turned out but holy shit that was insane. yet it made so much sense im so sjjshahjas

oh i love luna ashjahjshjas just gotta say that she’s my everything <3 

NEVILLE I LOVE NEVILLE HIM KILLING THE SNAKE WAS ICONIC !!!!! im so so so happy it was him. i love him so much he really showed how much bravery and potential he has i love this kid. 

okay so hands down the Kings Cross chapter was one of the best chapters in this whole series. seeing dumbledore finally tell us everything and getting to hear and see his mistakes and flaws and his truth was so so so emotional for me and it felt like final closure. im so dhjahjhja the way it was written!!! just all of it every single bit of it made me feel something and OPEN AT THE CLOSE im asjhhjsahjas ofc im just god the whole thing was sooooo jhsjhasjhas THE FEELINGS im sorry im not at all articulate when it comes to this im just the whole thing played in my head so well and i still have chills just from thinking about it i really don’t want this to end :(( 

finally the ending, im surprised that harry married ginny (i mean i guess not surprised cos he’s her love interest, maybe just jahsjhsasahj indifferent?) but im happy that we got to see him happy and again i love that he told albus it didn’t matter if he was in slytherin cos slytherins are cool too jsshjahjsa that was so important. ALSO draco!!! they nodded 👀 also shjsahja luna and george weren’t mentione :(( 

OH MY GOD I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT HOW MUCH NOSTALGIA I GOT IN SNAPES MEMORY WHEN WE SAW JAMES AND SIRIUS FIRST BECOME FRIENDS ON THE TRAIN IT MADE ME THINK OF THE FIRST BOOK IM EMOTIONAL

Now i just want to say i genuinely love harry so so so much. he’s sassy and brave and selfless and caring and he has so much anger and frustration but that never stops him from doing what he can to help people and it just :(( he deserved a happy, free and loving childhood. i love this boy with all my heart and i always will im so thankful i finally let myself actually read his story. 

This series brought me so much laughter, wonder, tears, pain and magic. i’m so so so happy i finally read it sahjsajh despite avoiding and judging it my whole life lmao i was so wrong about it and this series has made me fall deeply in love with every single character and now im obsessed shjashjhjas LIKE I LITERALLY CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT i can’t im so asjhashj

im actually obsessed with harry potter i didn’t think this would ever happen to me. thank you for taking this journey with me angels 💖

anyway now i got 8(?) movies to watch for the first time sahjashashj stay tuned 💖 

[cvenir]

here i am to introduce EIGHT characters that i actually thought i had already introduced lmao set me on fire !! but yay, take a look under the cut! ofc eventually proper bios will hit my pages and their tasks will expand much more on my children! as always, pinterests and songs are linked if u wanna go a lil deeper

just kidding i drafted that when i was aCTUALLY gonna do 8 but thankfully tea says she won’t accept me until i post 2 intros so yOU SHALL RECEIVE 2 RN and 8 later <33333 gotta keep y’all on your toes heh also i wrote niall’s in my journal on the plane so like... it’s not great (literally just bullets of sentence fragments) but wtvr that’s what bios are for amirite

NIALL O'DONOGHUE looks an awful lot like TARON EGERTON. HE is TWENTY-EIGHT and while they're ASTUTE, they have a tendency to get pretty ARDUOUS. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to DON'T WANNA FALL IN LOVE by KYLE (ok his pinterest is incredibly unfinished look away)

v conflicting mix of soft and hard

king of suppressing his lowkey intense feelings

kinda awkward around others due to the fact that he spent his entire life reading, writing, and studying –– he rarely interacted with other people as a kid and this mostly continued into his adult life

sweet soft boi has a double masters in medieval and renaissance studies and french and romance philology; he’s working on his phd rn while interviewing to become an assistant professor at kola university

grew up w a single mom (never knew dad) and had no siblings so his childhood was even lonelier :////

so like mad libs = his bff :’(

well mad libs and the shoulder flashlight he invented for late night reading (shoutout to amy santiago)

v soft and passionate heart

loves intellectual discussions like my boi has v strong gemini/virgo/mercury influences –– and a libra (or taurus i haven’t decided yet) venus so waTCH OUT

takes friendship v seriously (love u grant <333 @mcnuggcts )

buttt he can be a giant asshole sorry i don’t make the rules

v organized and particular

and scared of getting close to people bc he’s so used to being alone ugh my son!!

but once you get in there you’ll see he’s a good guy like rlly is he just has a bad temper sometimes and can barely express any emotion but anger half the time :///

ISLA VARGA looks an awful lot like ALEXIS REN. SHE is TWENTY-TWO and while they're SAGACIOUS, they have a tendency to get pretty MACABRE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to COOL GIRL by TOVE LO. 

so i’ve played isla before n i’m v sorry to do this but i feel hella lazy so i’m sORRY but here comes a fucking huge wall of text don’t look at me and don’t feel like u have to read it ://// all the triggers i tagged apply to her; she’s p dark so seriously do not read it if you think she will make you uncomfortable!!

to preface, isla is like the embodiment of all of the seven deadly sins, and i molded her a lot after amy dunne (scary, i know) and april ludgate (mostly amy tho april is just deadpan like she is –– when she’s being herself, that is), as she is an incredible pococurante yet perfectionist who borders on sociopathy

soooo this will make sense later but her real name is actually brigid (father’s surname idk) which she now uses as her middle name

so isla’s dad is a fucking rockstar !!! badass right. she’s half-siblings with hadley ( @ofadorations ) and colby ( @shtbgs ) but she actually never met her mom, something she’s not too pressed about

bc she was cute as a button, family friends decided to get her into the entertainment business as a child star almost as soon as she could walk –– she did it all, acted, modeled, danced, sang, she was literally hollywood’s little starlet and she hated every minute of it. the entertainment business loved who they created, but that girl was never her and it weighed deeply on her psyche.

when she was twelve, she decided to fake her own disappearance because she was fed up with everything –– she cut her hair to her ears, dyed it brown (and has continued to do so ever since) and sneaked her way to nyc hoping no one would recognize her

well someone did, and they happened to be a member of ruthless and organized mobs of the city –– in return for keeping her concealed, she pledged her devotion and became one of their most skilled and lethal honeytraps in the business (WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE BC THEY MADE HER START YOUNG I AM SO SORRY FOR WRITING THIS IT JUST PLAYS HEAVILY INTO HER CHARACTER)

along the way, members inevitably died –– people she was sworn to care for –– many times before her eyes as well, which only lead her to realize she enjoyed witnessing all sorts of death, even those of people she was supposed to “love”. emotion was almost nonexistent in isla’s childhood, a trait that bled into her character development.

she began to idolize the gang and its power, something she now craved. still, isla was doing a great job of portraying herself to those around her as a rosy, meek, baby-doll, when in actuality she was a child full of hate who would soon blossom into a young adult of the same tone. she became even more obsessed with death, fantasizing about it as if her unusual thoughts would make her less afraid when it came for her. 

eventually, as she grew older, she was accepted into the higher ranks of the mob; this couldn’t have made isla more content. the macabre girl was honored that someone else noticed her genius, the way she could predict things, assess situations, manipulate people to do her bidding. it was only right that she was initiated into a society that praised her for such harshness

but, as all things do, her time in the gang ended after ten years and isla did what she does best: disappeared. she’s relocated back close to home, kola california, and it’s only a matter of time before people and the industry realize just who she is

if she’s acting like her true self, she behaves like a negative, eldritch layabout who likes to watch others suffer (sounds extreme, i know). however, she rarely lets anyone see the real her, and instead accepts various facades in a big game –– the darkness is truly her personality, she’s not faking her cold demeanor. this image enables her to mask her true potential and the fact that she is unflaggingly loyal and cares about those she’s close to.

if i had to give her a label, it would probably be the pococurante (which is defined as: an indifferent person. possibly they’re bored, jaded or even been hurt. either way, they tend not to get attached to things and don’t show much enthusiasm, whether that’s on the outside or the inside, too)

on the other hand, she could be accurately summed up as an arcane, as she’s an enigmatic mystery and she prides herself on being a puzzle that several people have failed to solve. there are many sides to her personality; in some aspects, she’s very much an aesthete considering she spends a great deal of her time taking putting together outfits, so she has a very defined fashion sense and typically dresses like a princess half the time, which is very ironic considering her dark personality. she truly is so GLAMOROUS (and this is why i love alexis for her) and she works that mean girl, hard soul aesthetic while serving looks and also able to come across as incredibly sweet, which is perfect for her multiple personas. she’s a stunner, with both her appearance and personality; as much as she is indifferent and would prefer to fly under the radar, wherever she goes people always want to ask questions, making her into this intangible concept that everyone wants to define.

people will recognize parts of her as if they’ve seen here in another life, and because of her ostentatious, puzzling, and spellbinding personality, she’s unforgettable. on the other hand, she’s also something of a virago, due to the fact that she can be incredibly feisty when angered; but it takes quite a lot to actually set off her fuse, as she’s good at controlling which emotions she shares. for the most part, she is incredibly blasé and even-tempered. additionally, she’s is a bit of a picaro because her primary aim with her life at this point is to be independent and liberated from any and all attachments to other people. mostly, though, she’s is nothing more than a girl who’s afraid; of what, she still can’t decide.

all in all, she’s so much of everything that she isn’t quite certain of her own identity. her character is one shrouded in secrets and shadows yet alluring and sensual. but, lbr, most of all she’s just deadass terrifying. one of her defining characteristics is her desire to make things happen for her through her own abilities and determination. obstinate as all get out, she doesn’t like to own up to making mistakes so she tries to prove that she’s almost invincible to them bc she doesn’t wanna let anyone see her vulnerable, or she doesn’t want to let someone down - this refers only to those that she’s actually close to. due to her apathetic nature, all she really wants to do is let most people down – people she finds boring and useless – and have some fun because of it. however, when it comes to people she truly has allowed herself to care about, her deepest desire is for their happiness because they must be pretty damn special for making her give a shit.

still, because of her evasive tendencies, she almost always does ruin things for herself and for others, even when she actually cares. she’s like a double-edged sword; when she finds something worthwhile, she sees so much beauty and potential in it, but she’s got a midas touch. whenever she wants to obtain it or pursue it, her involvement makes everything fall to ashes, and she is afraid of her own influence. despite her tendency to run away, once she latches on and decides to be truly loyal, she’ll be devoted in such an extent that she would undoubtedly kill for them.

she can be a loudmouth whenever she actually decides to speak, constantly fabricating outlandish stories and even going off like a deranged person, but beneath her caustic and frightening exterior, isla is rather pensive. on the occasion that she chooses to offer legitimate advice, it’s usually very elaborate and composed. still, she doesn’t want people to know about capable she is, or how intelligent she can be, so she hides her rare brilliance with a tough exterior and stoic personality.

idk if you can tell but i like diving into the specifics of my character like their star signs and stuff so i searched an amy dunne mbti and tweaked it bc it really helped describe her even further! she’s a intj !

introverted intuition (ni): isla sees everything around her in a world of symbols, of metaphors, and of potential. her narration will continually be littered with predictions, with ideas about how things are going to be and what will result from this or that. despite her brashness that some may assume is impulsivity, she is a planner, anticipating new “problems” and seeking to rectify them with her own twisted brand of justice. she tries to work everything into her overall system of understanding, of her big ideas about how the world works, including her take on her various false identities she possesses for her previous job as an escort but also to mess with the minds of others around her. she’s always disappointed by how the real world is never as good as the way she imagined it; she is perfect and nothing else can catch up with her expectations.

extroverted feeling (fe): despite her aloofness, and rather lack of any sort of emotional bearing, empathy, or any sort of true feeling, isla is conscious of how others’ perceive her, of the image she’s created, and of how key that social perception is to her success, even if it’s just in her own imagination. she restrains her real opinions in order to adapt to her environment, as she’s somewhat of a chameleon, only a few have had a chance to catch the true witch beneath the crown. she’s the mistress of change, easily altering her identities in order to better fit in with new people, should the situation require it. she’s easily devastated when she reveals her real personality to others, as in the past, some that she’s left truly see her have refused to accept her twisted true-self. even though she is wholesomely selfish and self-seeking, isla is very people-focused, and applies most of her intellect and analysis onto general people-based functions, that may she can have the confidence that she has clearly manipulated and analyzed every aspect of her environment, as she needs this to feel in control.

introverted thinking (ti): as mentioned, isla is highly analytical, always trying to see the why of a scenario, what’s behind human behavior, which turns her attention to psychology and manifests in her flair for anticipating the thoughts and actions of those around her; she is so obsessed with understanding why people tick that she looks past her own slighted judgment, as she herself could easily qualify as a sociopath/psychopath. she’s always trying to fit in any new experience, or piece of information, into her pre-established system of facts, and as such is rarely ever surprised. despite her apathy and lack of care for her life or how it progresses, she’s highly organized and loves to make checklists, arrangements for the future, and methodically ticks of her obligations, one by one. while her emotions and feelings are significantly suppressed, and even nonexistent, she makes up for that human trait with a very powerful mind, one that is quick to learn and adept with languages, memorization, and logic. however, she doesn’t want anyone to know just how brilliant and quick she is, as it’s her greatest asset, thus explaining why she chose not to be a member on the intellectual team.

extroverted sensing (se): isla tends to respond her physical environment with fierce analysis, as expressed in her intellectual capabilities. she’s almost incapable of living in the moment, contrary to how people suspect she is, considering she portrays herself as impulsive and cunningly excitable. in reality, though, even when she’s crossed off everything on her checklist, she’s almost incapable of relaxing, or enjoying the world around her, as she doesn’t find things that other people find beautiful. she struggles the most with the physical side of her plans, even though she is a very physical individual. she is very open with her body and indulges with the lusts of the flesh, as she sensuality is at the same level as her wickedness. along with this, isla craves for the environment that houses her figure to be pleasant and organized, and can’t stand when things are out of order.

[kveom]

My first follow forever (wOW)!!!! cya 2017!!

It’s so crazy to think that at the start of this year the only Seventeen I knew was the number… and now, whenever I hear the number seventeen, the first thing I think of is the group of 13 boys that brightened up my 2017.

After my introduction to seventeen came my introduction to this fandom and to some really beautiful people. I’m so grateful to all of you for being so welcoming, and filling my dash with posts that are memetastic, creative, beautiful and filled with the awesomeness of 13 precious boys. Oh! Also, thanks for brightening up my dash with awesome tags as well hehheheh. I hope 2018 treats you all with the happiness and love you deserve 💕💕

So for my mutuals I thought I’d write out my first impressions of each of you or the first post I saw from you (i’m really cheesy okay). Most of them I remember, but for the few I couldn’t, I wrote down the post that is most memorable for me or what I love about you/your blog :))

Also, it isn’t in alphabetical order... eep too lazy

@dokyeoms-angel - ’wow she loves dk as much as i do... i love her’

@17dad - i was a bit like ‘lol wut’ at your url because you were one of the first blogs i followed (and i was still getting to know svt) so i didn’t know how much of a dad scoups was

@kwoncoups - i followed you when you were imhobi and i remember thinking your url was for hoshi (even though i’d never heard hoshi being referred to as hobi idk) because i didn’t know hobi was jhope’s nickname lmao

@exxtramint - the first thing i saw from you was this vocal unit gifset and it was an instant follow hehe

@pechajun - i’m pretty sure i started following you when you were lunarjun and i rly liked your username ^^

@powerfulhoshi - this is the first gifset i saw from you and the font and the gifs and everything was soooo clean and nice!!!!!

@bubkwan - i wanted to steal your description

@hoshi-ssi - i’m pretty sure it was hoshi’s palm fairy gifset that made me follow because... yes... that’s the content i’m here for

@junshva - i found your layout so beautiful <3333 esp. that picture of seokmin *-*

@kyoem - i think this was the first i saw from you, but even if it wasn’t, it’s amazinggggg

@mvngyu - ‘heehee the sidebar is so cute’

@swimmingfool - this!!!! freaking!!!! edit!!!!! <3333

@jeong-hanie - beautiful gifs, must follow

@keyboardaegyo - i thought your theme(+ navi page) was really cuteee!!!

@vernons-laugh-is-my-aesthetic - ‘memes??? um YES’

@jeonwoooo - okay, this one is probably the creepiest... i thought ‘ooh i like their name’

@wonnwoo- i loveeee your wonwoo starsign edit

@santascoups - read your desc + about page and thought you seemed cool lmao

@the1the8 - i think the first thing i saw of yours was that simple but gorgeous chocolate edit <333

@woenoo - i thought your tag for wonwoo was so cute wnfnadssndk

@wonshu - will always remember you as the one to tag me in that lethal dk photoset... so there’s a love/hate relationship (jk i love)

@leejhs - tbvh, your love for milk tea is what i remember

@dearseventeen - ’this theme is sooo cuteeeeeeeee... dino!!!!’

@vitaminniedk - ‘they love dk, i love them’

@myungho - tbh your url kept coming up on my dash because of follow forevers/mentions and i was like this person must be really cool lmao (and you are)

@96kwon - your memes 😂

@rappershua- *reads* lee seokmin; you’re my love (on your navi) ‘SOLD’

@jeongahn - i found your layout so beautiful!!!!!

@7unhui - saw this and... yeah...

@jisoostar - this was the first post i saw from you and it was amazing (colours!!!) and i also thought ‘why haven’t i seen that photo of dk, he looks so good skdnfjdfsn’

@wonhuis - i love that you’re a tag talker hehehe

@bbaksu - i love your rocket edit *-* (it also might’ve been the first edit i saw from you but i can’t 100% remember)

@jishua - 'this secret santa is so sweet lfmslmdf’

@pitdae - ‘only an awesome person can write this about page’ (and thank you for awesome gifs ^^)

@pinktomatocat - this edit made me cri follow, it’s so nice!!!

@kwoncity - ’wow they know their stuff’ (was reading your answers about music and yeah)

@chiwoopsie - the ‘types of carats during comeback season’ post was the first one i saw from you. it’s gold <333

@hoshidotcom - ’i like my soonyoungs spicy’ yes okay that’s a follow

@captainoates - thank you for everything you provide for this fandom <3333

@boosonseok - lmao this post

@xiyeonah - ’wow... her dk tags.... are me....’

@zeonghan - i’ve said it before but you’re a cOOL person

@softmanscoups - ’this one’s a riot’ / i still remember when dk was your bias and there was one post about slushies and tongues lmao... i will never forget

@seokmins-thighs - i don’t think you had this url when i followed you but it said somewhere that this used to be your username and i thought ’they should totally go back to seokmins-thighs’ (also, the fact that you have a tag for his thighs... thank you // edit: i’m going through that tag now and your tags are gold 😂😂 i luv dk stans)

@bangtanbombdotcom - this one’s probably the most vague but... it was some sort of text post about seventeen that made me follow you but i can’t remember lol (it might’ve been talking about their dancing or just praising them, but anyway i agreed so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

@cafewoozi - (you were meant to be down there ↓ like a day ago but now you’re here and that’s amazing) ‘pastel everywhere 😍’ *reads description* ‘ahhh’

@sunshine-turkey - ‘sunshine-turkey... interesting url’ lmao

If we’re mutuals and you’re not here, pls let me know!!! and if you’re up there ^ and we’re not mutuals... hope you had fun reading my first impression anyway!!!

I know i’m the worst mutual ever because people scare me but I hope you know that I love and appreciate all of you!!!

The rest aren’t mutuals, but are still blogs I adore <33

@woozzi, @camera-seventeen, @verngyu, @12fools, @incorrect7teen, @svt-laughing, @happydk, @17cuties, @amemericans, @pledisboys, @yoonjeonghannie, @gyuofficial, @17hateblog, @seungkwa, @dokyummm, @juunshua, @adoreu-carat @livelovelunch, @je0nghans  + my whole blogroll (also there are some blogs who i constantly reblog from or who make me laugh but i can’t remember the urls so... there’s that // there’s one in particular i tried to find but i can’t remember :(( )

okay, now this is gonna get real extra but here are some special mentions lmao:

@verymerryotl - when i was first getting into svt your analyses were really interesting and helpful, so thank you for writing them ^^

@pabospoiler- your giffing of dk actually made me start giffing because i wanted to make him shine like you do :) (even though i’m doing a bad job of it lmao)

@fyseokmin - *bows down* you really make my dash a happier place (you might not see this bc you’re on hiatus but i hope you’re doing okay <333)

@kristian-do - thank you so much for everything you do for this fandom!!! i know you’ve said before that you’re not sure how long you can maintain your blog for, and i hope that when the time comes, you put yourself first ❤️

@jisoosmeoli - the first person to talk to me on tumblr!! thanks for dealing with this socially awkward weirdo >< you’re awesome 💕💕

@raphamster - thanks for being dk trash with me 💖💕❤️ i’m so glad i made that post about seungkwan being the best person ever :))

Happy new year!!!! Kick 2018 in the behind 😎

The last part is just a cheesy thank you to seventeen, which you don’t have to read if you don’t want to (and i couldn’t put it under a read more, sorry) -- this is kinda something I don’t want people to see but I also do because it needs to be said and I want to show people how wonderful seventeen is

so halfway through the year i found out about seventeen. i’d never stanned a kpop group before and i never really wanted to, just because of the emotional toll it would take on me. but seventeen pretty much said ‘nuh uh, coming through’ and... yeah... and i’m so grateful for that :’)

discovering seventeen this year has helped me a lot. these boys just radiate happiness and love, and you can’t not feel it. i’m a really (negative) emotional person, so if i get one whiff of sadness or anger, either from others or myself, i fall into this dark hole of negative emotions, which i usually just wait out. but now, whenever i’m in that dark hole, i can watch some seventeen videos or listen to their music and my heart will feel a bit lighter. i mostly watch their dance practices idk why?? maybe because it makes me feel so proud??? oh, also their performances!! which shows how much of an impact their stage presence/energy has. anyway, just watching them do anything really fills me with warmth and all these good emotions that override the bad. even just daydreaming about what it’s like to be part of their lives, surrounded by that bubble of joy and love they create gets me through it :)

they also made me realise that i need to surround myself with people who make me love life. i have a circle of friends but we’re not super close and i used to be fine with that, but learning about these boys and how important they are to each other made me realise that i shouldn’t settle for that. i need a friend that i can tell anything to, to lean on when i need to (and who’ll listen to me talk about seventeen all day). they give me hope that i’ll find friends like that, who i’ll treat like family. they also reinforce my belief that everything happens for a reason. can you imagine if scoups or woozi had debuted before the rest?? or if seungkwan ended up in jyp?? but nope, they all found each other and they adore each other so much while creating AMAZING music, so they give me hope for the future :) 

i wanted to write another paragraph about dk but i’ll just say this: he reminds me of all the good things in the world and he can make me smile like no other 💖💖

so to sum this up, i want to thank the 13 beautiful boys of seventeen for making my 2017 a bit brighter just by being them :)) go and make 2018 your year like you did 2017, but look after yourselves!! i hope you carry this joy for life and love for one another into the new year 💕💓💖❤️💕💞💘💚💛💙💜❤️💕 

[survivorinternational]

Episode 6 - "Thank all gods, even the weird ones." - Stephen

Thank all gods, even the weird ones. I was not ready to go home pre-jury again. Although I’m still wondering if theres a hidden redemption island twist because most merges happen at 11 not 10. I also need to be careful of Clash. I trust him now, but he’s a strong player. I need to be able to have my own game apart from his, and be ready to vote his ass out when he starts getting too close to ftc.

Um so I have to vote one of my 3 closest allies which sucks but if I vote Allan that’s the best it won’t upset pat or randy and keep Stephen with me as well I hope I win this game I will IA 

Liana won immunity which sucks because she was the easy vote and puts me in a terrible position. So far Ginger and Emily/Vilma are possible votes

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Everyone's so cautious about saying names this tribal council, I definitely needed that immunity. If I don't hear anything from Liana/Ginger/Emily, I'm going to put Ginger's name out there and see where it gets me

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Looking quite bad here, Emily did tell me I should be safe, but just incase that was to mislead me, I attempted some very poor guilt trip/flattery. :(

i’m like pretty okay with going to tribal tbh because i trust the four in my alliance with me? like the only one i’m a bit weary about is ginger just bc she’s like a lil weird in general lol and she could turn on a dime :/ but i do think that if she did choose to turn on me, vilma, and michael, she wouldn’t choose me to vote out this round. she’d probably go for michael? but that’s only IF she chooses to flip. idk if she will. i have high hopes that this round will be pretty smooth. if i had it my way, we could vote tyler out now because i think he’s not as invested in this game as jacob. and it’s hard to play with people who are invested. if tyler or jacob don’t go this round, at least from our tribe, i’ll be very confused? also looking forward to merge! i’m worried but at the same time i’m content. like it’ll be a small merge which i love and i have pretty good relationships with a lot of the people left. so! that’s cute! i think i’m in a good position right now. well liked, in a somewhat powerful position, and under the radar for the most part. i haven’t really done much (or gone to many tribals for that matter) that have made me feel like a threat. yes, i was a leader on the saolatoga tribe and i was the one that brought up daniel’s name at first, but it was like an easily agreed upon decision. i don’t think people were too shaken or surprised by it. it’s something on my resume for me to see, not everyone else. and that’s exactly how i like it! i’ll read my list of doings at final tribal council. and i’ll wow the jury. but it won’t be obvious to them what i’m doing until they look at the game more objectively. i think that’s a good way to play. always on people’s minds, but not too much. positive opinion, involved in big decisions, but never the ring leader to the point where it’s dangerous. i think i’ve figured out a good balance! i’m hoping this takes me far. to the end!!!

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so there's a lot of stuff going on so im going to try to organize my thoughts. here we go. liana is immune, so that's hard on the rest of the tribe who... pretty much all wanted to vote her out but that's fine. honestly liana being immune is better for me than it is anyone else, so I am fine with it. it is making waves though, but they're fun waves. so the alliance of ginger, michael, vilma, and myself mentioned either tyler or jacob because they're the only options not in our alliance right now, but the thing is, ginger went CRAZY and was pushing for us to NOT VOTE TYLER WHATSOEVER! and they just kept pushing for jacob instead. I was very weary about this, but I didn't say anything at first until michael messages me saying that tyler is gunning for ME. and then vilma messages me saying that Michael told her this too, only he said that the reason tyler was gunning for me was because she and I were so close. SO! this means that tyler is aware of vilma and I being in an alliance. and ginger was probably the one to mention it to him. and then GINGER MADE A GROUP WITH VILMA AND TYLER SO THAT VILMA WOULD WANT TO PROTECT TYLER MORE. anyway, once this got out, michael and vilma and I made a group to talk about the vote and I think we're leaning towards ginger for the following reasons 1. way too protective over tyler for no reason. how the fuck are they so close? 2. tyler somehow knows about vilma and i's connection even though we've been extremely low key and I have never talked game with him 3. ginger is just actually crazy I think we can get liana and jacob on our side way easier than we could tyler. we're planning on telling liana and jacob about the vote, but leaving tyler and ginger in the dark. we just need to make sure none of this gets back to ginger like for real! they leak literally everything. I literally JUST messaged them saying that Tyler had thrown out my name and not even two minutes after I get a message from vilma saying that ginger had asked her about tyler throwing out my name. like ginger gets information and RUNS WITH IT. I truly cannot trust them. and it would create less waves to vote ginger out than it would anyone else on the tribe I think. like... after all the craziness that's going down, we need to send ginger home. I could kind of tell that ginger was a little weird, but I didn't expected them to be so cracked like genuinely cracked. lmao

Annoying Lyana HAD to win immunity, getting your lazy-social ass in multiple ORGs make u slay the physical game...and now I feel my ass is in danger! Im gonna do everything in order to stay here and Im already making plans. Not resting for a sec.

Sluggy voted out... saw that comming, him cheering on Stephen may have screwed us a bit At least its not Merge Double Tribal is gonna suck though. FreeRice is a great challenge, while im not 100% comfortable in my position atm but I am going to throw this challenge a little to reduce my threat a bit. Oh yay... the only one we didnt want to win immunity, and they win immunity, this is gonna make tribal fucked. I dont know what we are gonna do atm but i will to figure something out.

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Pre Double Elimination Tribal: I may have done it. It was messy bjt with the order of events, I may have been able to pull the strings to get Ginger voted out. Its going to have to keep Tyler in the dark but its going to have to be a risk we take. Ginger it too full on and too wild. He can't be trusted come merge 100%. Tyler i think we can work with a bit at least

Double tribal? No thank you. I’m hoping it’s allan that goes home, I never thought I’d say that. I’d really like to survive this tribal idk if I am though. I’m v nervous 

Uhhh so apparently we didn't merge and we have a double elimination round instead (Again???? I wonder if it's a redemption type thing this time). I couldn't compete in the immunity challenge due to a busy weekend irl so I'm vulnerable and really just hope I make it to merge. This round ended up being quite an emotional rollercoaster for me, here's a recap of some of my thoughts: 4:16 AM So ngl I would've wanted to go for Liana had she not won immunity She seems very sweet but I have chatted with her the least out of everyone She might've felt she was in danger Now I'm a bit lost and hope at least someone would tip me off if my name's thrown around 5:14 AM There's no way Ginger is voting Tyler out 8:26 AM Hmmm Jacob wanting to vote for Ginger I think Tyler I bet doesn't want that I'm trying to imagine whether I'd be willing to sacrifice Ginger or not if it came down to it I'd rather not I think Because he's been very open with me about his relationships and stuff So I feel I have a good read on him atm He still hasn't revealed he knows Clash though And I know he is capable of being messy Very good socially So I'm definitely scared of him But he is one of my closest bonds here atm so losing that would suck Of course if it comes down to me or him I have to go for it This really sucks because I like everyone on this tribe Jacob said he's closest to Emily and Tyler Tyler saying he wants to work with me and Ginger These relationships are so complex it's gonna be hard to find a common target And I don't even know what's my own preference I change it every three seconds 2:05 PM I tipped Michael off that Tyler and Ginger have become pretty close And he made a point that betraying that trust could cause us problems at merge Which I agree with So that leaves us Jacob I like Jacob a lot he is super nice but I agree he would probably be the 'least problematic' boot besides Liana As long as Emily is fine with it God I really just want to make merge and jury I've never not made them so my heart would break a little if I didn't Although my heart will break a little having to cast a vote for someone on this tribe tonight Everyone's so nice ugh 3:33 PM Um Okay so Michael told me Tyler is gunning for Em??? Apprently because her and I are close Soooo he wants to take a stab at me too? Not stunned by that That's not the best thing to hear right after establishing an alliance with someone Kinda feeling uneasy about Tyler and Ginger now People I am not voting for 100%: - Emily - Michael - Liana (she's immune lol) I feel Emily and Michael are being 100% with me So that makes me feel good about them 4:50 PM So looks like it'll be Ginger going That kinda sucks and kinda doesn't (mostly does) I'm partially okay with it because I've honestly been spooked by him since the very first day, he is very strong socially and he likes to be controversial sometimes which I like to stay away from as much as possible BUT That guy trusts me And he is genuinely very nice I like talking to him I'm gonna feel super super super dirty voting him out My heart will be filled with sorrow and I'm kinda scared of his anger afterwards He has been super honest with me so far But others are being put off by his aggressive playstyle Ughh it breaks my heart to lie to Ginger But I’m not gonna go out of my way to save him here I just don’t think that would be smart plus the numbers just wouldn’t be there Plus I feel more secure moving forward with Emily and Michael 0:04 AM I feel really really bad about this, haven't really been able to eat all day I understand why I took a six month break from orgs My mind is just not built for these I feel too bad about betraying people Plus I just think this move isn't quite ideal for me I'm betraying someone who trusts me so much and leaving out Tyler who also wanted to work with me, at least if I was alongside Ginger But I really just feel more comfortable staying with Emily and Michael I'm so sorry I'm a pussy and don't want to go out of my way to save an ally It's on me 0:57 AM I might have just messed up because I just talked to Liana assuming she had already heard about the plan but turns out NO ONE had talked to her about it yet... Two hours before tribal???? God if she lets Tyler or Ginger know I am going to be in massive trouble Also I don't think I can attend the tribal live I feel sick and disgusted at myself because of this vote, it's too much I hate myself Ginger I'm so sorry you were nothing but a good friend to me and I'm doing you so dirty I feel absolutely horrible having to lie to your face 

Did I already make a confessional about this? idk. I won immunity! yay! this is good on two ends: I cant get blindsided and; I can maintain a fiction with my Ala Mai boys that I would have been next to go most likely if I need to. Right now the target is Allen, because if we vote Randy out Pat will be miffed. My only issue with that is it gives Pat a lot of power, especially if its not an American who gets voted out from the other tribe. 

So that immunity didn’t go well. The one person we couldn’t have winning the challenge, won the challenge. Now the 4 are going to have to cannibalise ourselves and I definitely fear that eyes are on myself and Clash. Our only hope is to try and get Stephen on our side but I’m really not sure if we’ll be able to do that 

Arg hi. Just woke up and we’re gonna thrive today. That’s a lie I never actually thrive it’s a facade. Anywho we’re going to tribal cause of the double tribal twist hooray. Everyone was down to vote liana but oh no she won immunity. Right so I like ginger and Jacob but these rats are going after eachother. Everyone is extremely quiet I wouldn’t be surprised if it was me going. It looks like we don’t have enough votes to save Jacob idk, I just don’t want to be voted out ok bye

Nothing is cooking like im so bored Stephen own the individual immunity challenge so now the four of me pat clash and allan have to vote out im voting allan out, hope they do