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#to some leaving to find a better life
mysteriouslybluepirate · 10 months
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Izzy 'Pirating? Well... this is a pirate ship and I'm a pirate, so, yeah... I'm good with it' Hands
Ed 'if i'm honest, i've never killed another man since. not personally' Teach
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heich0e · 2 years
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trigun college!au where knives doesn't think you're good enough for vash, and hates how close the two of you seem to be getting as your friendship develops. so of course the obvious solution is to fuck you within an inch of your life on a semi-regular basis so that you don't get any ridiculous ideas about trying to date his little brother.
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flufflecat · 1 year
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Got to stolen century in my relisten and started tearing up at work because of magnus carving the duck. Just me in the back room, crying over the dish sink for normal reasons.
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seaweedstarshine · 5 months
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Sometimes I think of Amy Pond, who grew up being called mad by those who wielded the word as a tool of exclusion and shame —
Amy Pond, who though forced into the hands of four psychiatrists, still clung to that which they called madness until those systems which elevate psychosocial conformity above humanity stripped it from her —
Amy Pond, whose imaginary friend reappeared for a single hour after twelve years and reignited that faith before disappearing for two more years —
Amy Pond, who spent those those two years under the same implicit threat ingrained in her through psychiatric violence, and thus began to believe the man who stopped the invasion was “just a madman with a box,” only for him to agree, and to also call her “mad, impossible Amy Pond,” reframing madness as non-negative for the first time in her life —
Amy Pond, who ignored the disembodied voice of her imaginary friend even as she ran away with him for real, who still lived each day with the traumatic internalization of deviancy dictated upon her by the psychiatric-industrial complex that shaped her from childhood —
Amy Pond, who wouldn't acknowledge the Doctor's voice, such that it took an Angel in her eye that was literally killing her to ensure she couldn't reality check herself —
Amy Pond, who stood before a room which muttered about “the psychiatrists we brought her to,” and though afraid, escaped their rigid parameters of acceptable existence.
#I like seeing it as indicating she began hearing his voice when he was gone for all those years! why else wouldn't she say anything?#actually psychotic Amy agenda#Amy Pond#eleventh doctor#reclaimed language#oh look its another antipsychiatry themed doctor who post#sumn abt in Fairies At The Bottom Of The Garden audio AND Imaginary Enemies comic we see Amelia bein called slurs against psychotic people#(shes called psycho in both)#like!!! and SO MUCH OF AMYS STORY is about her claiming her agency in ways that previous companions weren't allowed to-#companions whose status as a Wife was a signifier of an to end of their value individually- 'this is no place for a married woman' etc#in some cases Wife-ness forced upon them *as* a denial of agency 'I spent all that time trying to find you I'm not going back now!' etc#whereas Amys story deconstructs that; Amys “Choice” is an illusion- Amy being a Wife doesn't demote her agency as an companion#anyways I love that aspect of reclaimed agency for Amy but ALSO#“madness” as an expression of agency against systems of oppression is SO relevant. the mind defends itself and the alternative isnt better#the oppressive system in this case being ableist structures and the psychiatric system ITSELF which is a whole other layer#the moral being that even if the Doctor WAS a delusion? he'd still be a needed coping mechanism for a child who says “ppl always leave”#and instead of examining her feelings of abandonment they insist 'aLiENs DoNt ExIsT' as seen in the 'sTaRs DoNt ExIsT' psychiatrist in TBB#they don't care that she's in PAIN- why would they?- they just care that she's 'abnormal' and therefore not deserving of humanity#(eleventh) doctor is neurodivergent tag#I mean technically this is about Amy but I once (twice) used that tag on the post about the Master. its the spirit of it!#and Amy Pond + her Raggedy Doctor as “mad” people is very *chefs kiss*#((you know what im putting the tag on my last Amy post :D ))#Mels experienced this very differently and I'll make a post about her at some point- I just wanna make sure my points are got across better#sumn abt Amelia's “crazy” was Mels' “delinquency.” Amy treated as if she doesn't know her own life while Mels treated as threatening#sumn abt adultification of Black girls while Amy is infantilized#Amy Pond who could rewrite reality in a reborn universe because she grew up with a Crack in her wall that no one believed was special —#ableism#saneism#unreality#because I mean Amy's stand against psychiatric dehumanization was to REWRITE THE UNIVERSE with her Crack powers
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purplesaline · 9 months
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I don't think grief ever lessens or gets easier to bear any more than a 50lb weight gets lighter or easier to carry.
What changes is our capacity to carry the weight.
When people say, about tried, "It will get easier with time" it doesn't mean you'll miss the person/thing any less deeply. It means that by carrying the grief day by day your capacity to carry it will grow and it will feel easier because you've become stronger.
The grief never changes,
We do.
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aforeffortenjolras · 3 months
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really trying to find ways to take care of myself that are doable and enjoyable when possible. and i really feel like with meditation i've had a lot of progress in letting go of things and being able to not get bogged down by circumstances, and i'm having so many more good days and just feel so much lighter overall :)
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vaciena · 27 days
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Can I have a hug
#side effect of slowly getting better is I now have to work out how to have a life after when it feels like I ruined everything#I know I didn’t and my illness would’ve done this eventually but it feels like it cause my degree is worthless now#can’t do any of the jobs that I was going to do anymore#can’t do most entry jobs#can’t do retail or food service or most peoples first jobs#don’t really have irl friends anymore#I’m just. ugh.#my parents said they’d pay for me to go to college again so I can get a degree that works for remote jobs with higher pay than my original#field. which isn’t hard bc that pay was gonna be 20k a year for like six years lmao#and I did stumble across some resources for which doctors can treat my illnesses in Europe so I could try to use it as a way to finally#fucking leave this country but idek how I’d go about getting accepted to a university anywhere if I already have a degree that just doesn’t#work for me anymore#and I’m sad that I can’t do the career I poured my soul into for so long#and I miss my friends and feeling confident#I’m glad I’m getting healthier enough to think about after but I’m terrified and exhausted just thinking about working out how to find what#comes next and what’s possible#and I’m just really really sad#and I’m scared of getting too hopeful about anything#I really miss Austria and people have said I’d really like Germany and I’d love to move but I’m scared I’ll research and find nothing
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toytulini · 19 days
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it is baffling to me that ppl keep insisting "if its not sprite then what IS it tho?" and seemingly do not...retain the recipes that are being shared. like you dont have to memorize them its just repeatedly "is lemonade not sprite though? how is it not sprite?"
"its lemon juice, water, and sugar"
"is it not the same as sprite?" no we just told u. does that sound like sprite to you. does sprite give you the vibe of juicing some lemons on a hot summer day? the lemonade version closest to Sprite over here, in terms of Being Lemonade, is still Notably Different from sprite, or any other soda, is probably Minute Maid, a highly processed branded lemonade that you can occasionally get from soda fountains (DESPITE! NOT BEING CARBONATED! similar to how they somehow dispense iced or sweet tea from soda fountains) it sometimes comes in a can or 2L bottle similar to soda, in the soda isle. and its Not Soda. its not Carbonated. its Trying To Pretend So Hard To Be Real Lemonade. it tastes like lemonade thats a bit sad. it is far more lemonade than SPRITE will ever be. if yall were simply insisting that lemonade is carbonated, that it was like, fizzy minute maid, that would be less offensive than calling sprite lemonade. which is Insane. good god.
#toy txt post#it is a beverage simple enough that *I* could make it#you could Find Out#you dont Have To. but its right there#see Here its easy even if you dont want to Juice Lemons cos they sell powdered lemonade that is so so decent#countrytime my beloved. im sure Real Lemonade drinkers might shit on me even for that#and YES god Victorians did get crazy with the fizzy lemonade they had those like glass bauble things to add bubbles that sometimes just#exploded. but the fact that you got so removed from it that you're calling sprite lemonade 😭. youre calling FANTA lemonade? surely not the#orange soda??? at least call it orangeade or some shit. it would still be wrong but like. christ alive these are different fruits#the idea of calling VIOLENTLY orange most artifical shit ive ever tasted in my life soda lemonade is just. sending me#like i Like An Orange Soda. thats Extremely Not Lemonade#idk like we have Processed ass lemonades. i tend to have those cos im lazy. but i Could Make Real Lemonade#my Favorite processed lemonade rn is the calypso brand. its so flavorful. im also susceptible to the cute glass bottle unfortunately.#i really like the strawberry lemonade and the blue one#sigh#this is probably akin to saying that apple juice is the same as cider. or smth. except no its still worse#also our ciders are different bc alcoholic or Hard Cider is not considered the Default here but i understand its the default elsewhere#anyway. sorry to all my non american friends about bringing up Lemonade Discourse Yet Again#if we ever visit. in either direction. i will have to try to make you some proper lemonade so you can understand how egregious it is#to hear it called 'sprite'#and also so u can have some yummy lemonade#it hits so much better on a hot summer day than sprite fr#sneaking premixed strawberry lemonade over in those little alcohol bottles they allow on airplanes. i am arrested at customs for trying to#impose Big Lemonade into what is clearly the territory of Big Sprite#anyway i think if travelling americans recieved Actual Cloudy Lemonade that Happened To Be Fizzy they might be like oh shit! why is it#fizzy! did you mix sprite in it or something? it would still be DISTINCT from sprite. the fact that yall think theyre the same.....#thats some real. mint chocolate chip ice cream tastes like toothpaste shit. No The Fuck It Doesnt what are you on#for one toothpaste is sharper and stronger usually. unless youre using the mild mint ones i guess. i Dont. for 2 it leaves you mouth#feeling fresh and clean. mint ice cream is yummy for sure#but it does not leave my mouth feeling clean or fresh or even give me minty breath or anything. smh
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teamcavota · 2 months
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I don't get when people act like Gladstone being an asshole foil whatever and him having "depth"/a complicated relationship to luck can't coexist
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dogearedheart · 2 months
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8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)
#i guess it affected me more than i'd like to#i don't want to make people uncomfortable#and i am sorry if i did that with any of my posts i know they have been overly emotional and maybe a bit insane#it's true that i am trying to deal with losing and finding peace i am not very good at this due to my intense emotions#and my fear of loneliness and losing people. i am also in a very bad depressive episode. i am aware that this isn't an excuse for any#of my behavior. i never had a support system so dealing with all this on my own and getting no therapist who is willing to see you#it's a downer. guilt is eating me alive and my mental condition is the something that has ruined a lot for me but it has never before done#such a terrible job before. recovering from that and dealing with the aftermath of this is exhausting and has taken a toll on my physical#and mental health i know this post doesn't mean anything to most of all and is at best confusing but i guess it's my poor attempt#of avoiding that people will hate me. i don't want to self-pity more than i already did. but i do that all on my own already.#i know that life is so much more difficult than fiction and you can't expect miracles or believe in faith to fix anything#i know there is no cure to who i am. i can only try to navigate it better in the future. it doesn't mean that i can't regret what i did.#that i can't feel guilty about it. i know that won't change anything but i am also trying to get better and i understand if that's not#visible. i just have to believe that one day it will be enough for people to say 'hey. i know you are fucked up.#and you hurt me and you've been a bitch. but we'll work on it. i believe in you.' otherwise i have to believe that this loneliness#is all there is and that i'm gonna die hollow#i don't want much. i just want some patience and peace#i want to believe that i am worthy of love and that i can get a future. and yes. me talking about wanting a wife and this stupid apple pie#life... maybe it's cliche and stupid but i have been alone for years and i am so tired of fighting. is it so bad that i don't want to do#this alone? and that goes for friends as well. i want to cook for people built things and tend to a garden to take care of animals#and to create instead of destroying for once.#i don't know why i am still writing i guess when the dam breaks... again. i am sorry for ever making people uncomfortable or even hurting#them that was never my intention. i promise#so i really hope. whoever is reading this. i hope you are doing alright. i hope you had/have a good day. tell the people you care about#you love them and enjoy the little things. read that book. eat that chocolate or do whatever brings you joy. the world is so difficult to#navigate but you are doing such a great job by just existing. you are making this world a better place with the light you radiate#the last thing I want to do something I never can forgive myself for is hurting people#not only but especially the ones I care about. but beyond that those I barely know too because I care about you guys too#I just don't want that... I want to leave the world better than I found it but I'm having a hard time doing it due to this stupid fucking#brain of mine.
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archiveofyearning · 3 months
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hella1975 · 1 year
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by pure evil accident taob zuko's current mental state is the exact same as the one ive been stuck in for the past few weeks and that's a bit funny to me. like i started writing this chapter months ago and knew what i was doing with it even longer ago and suddenly ive manifested it into reality. we are both facing the horrors rn
#when the angry character finally learns to acknowledge their rage not as its own problem but as a coping mechanism to the problem#& faces at once the relief of finding the source of all this anger & the horror of realising that the anger itself was never the final boss#and it leaves them in a depressive state where they actually MISS the anger because at least that was active and - in a sense - dignified#whereas this just feels stilted and mopey and like each day is passing and you're losing time doing nothing#but you cant shake it anyway and wow im no longer talking about zuko!!!! we stay embarassing ourselves over taob!!!!#like i realised just now while staring off into space stirring my tea that the reason this particular depressive episode has hit me so hard#(aside the fact it's been a pretty extreme one and my paranoia has rlly flared up to the point ive felt honest to god CRAZY lately haha)#is because it's so DIFFERENT to how i usually respond to feeling like this#like normally my temper gets very quick and i completely isolate and i get mean and sharp#and i convince myself that everyone is out to get me and/or hates me and therefore i must manipulate everyone in my life#and ofc NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE A GOOD RESPONSE. I AM NOT PROUD OF THEM#THEY ARE ALSO NOT NEARLY AS BAD AS HOW I USED TO BE HENCE I KNOW I AM GETTING BETTER#SLOWLY PAINFULLY WITH MY NAILS DIGGING IN THE DIRT BUT I AM GETTING BETTER ALL THE SAME#but STILL despite how awful those things are they're also very external. like i hurt the people around me in order to protect myself#and there's a dignity to that. there's more control there even if ultimately it's a lack of control causing it#like i have some fucked opinions from my upbringing and ik that like im quite a selfish person and it's bc i was raised to truly believe#that hurting others is always optimal over letting myself be seen as weak. like if my options are to hurt someone even someone i love#or let myself be vulnerable then sometimes i STILL will pick the former (it used to be all the time though <3 progress is progress)#and anger has always been sold to me as a very dignified STRONG emotion and it's how you're SUPPOSED to respond to badness#otherwise you're weak and a baby and pathetic etc etc#and just bc you know something is wrong doesnt mean you didnt internalise the fuck out of it anyway#like i will always see anger as the 'dignified' emotion and unlearning it regardless of that has been one of the hardest things ive done#('wow hella your own journey with mental illness is the literal exact same as taob zuko's-' i will hospitalise the both of us)#whereas currently ive just been sad and pathetic and oversharing to anyone who will listen and desperate for someone to look at me#and be like 'you're not okay' and to fix it FOR ME. like im not ANGRY im SAD and im not used to that response#AND GUESS WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS THIS CHAPTER BY PURE FUCKING COINCIDENCE?? LITERALLY WHAT#like it's been happening for a few chapters that we're finally moving from anger to sadness on my unofficial healing chart#ever since zuko's outburst with hakoda when zi se had that tantrum#but this is the first time we see Sad Coping Mechanism as a response to a problem instead of Angry Coping Mechanism#taob updates
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#543
WELL.
SPAMMED TAGS WITH AN ESSAY?
im very proud of these rambles but i can't understand why do i love to spam tags sm
#днявочка#днявочка: hlegacy#eng tag#днявочка: фандомное#damn wright#so i was peacefully asleep and then it came to me that wright is clingy but attaches Value to every hug she received or asked for#because when she was little her parents were too busy so any moment of Family Love was cherished and of gold and --#-- slowly wright was remembering it all after The Battle. what her life was like before everything or what she thought was it like#i couldn't just kill off her mom off-stage i had to implement her in-full somehow so; not to overshare much but sharp will come to know her#and he'll tell everything he learned to wright as he'd originally planned but rookwood intervened and well it's a long story#by the time of that convo blorbos developed bonds over some things already but at that moment -- it was a rubicon ahead of them#wright felt lonelier than ever and sharp couldn't just leave her there for the sake of keeping the subordination up#wright entrusted him with the knowledge and her life and sharp stood by his word; she was *his student* after all and sought his help#so that how it started; still a mentorship but deeper. heavier. *falconry metaphors here*#they did become very close after The Battle but here's the catch: both of them didn't realize it right away#wright's clueless but sharp is always vigilant; he didn't want wright to have too much on her already cluttered mind especially --#-- family related bc the topic is very dear and personal to her. for sharp it was more like 'family what family' --#-- it's tied to scarborough incident (it took his hopes of having any family along with the ship but tshhh oversharing)#so. imagine a loop of suffering; wright seeks comfort and when she finds it in his arms she feels hardly any better because --#-- it reminded her of her father of her mother but sharp is neither of them and the thought of it alone brought wright down very much#sharp isn't a substitute either -- and fear of losing him lingered and ohmygod how much talking they'd go through#self-indulgent part of it: when you're thick skin you tend to oversee many damaging things and may not even know smth has gotten under#wright thought she overcame her losses but in reality she never did and all these events only uncovered her lingers
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sensitivegoblin · 1 year
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For those that get their period; does orgasming help?
Maybe it's cus of my pcos but I feel like the periods I m*sterbate through are easier than the ones where I don't (pls feel free to add your two cents!)
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#tw: period talk#I've got a meaty thick undercarriage#and I think I'm general my bodies muscles are tight n hard like rocks#so I feel like the act of cmming opens me up and pushes shit out#I get sick sometimes cus it all gets trapped inside of me#and I'm like an extremely heavy bleeder#it's kinda the same feeling as throwing up or di*rrhea#it's gross and unpleasant but also it feels good cus you can feel the bad things leaving you????#i probably sound weird I'm SORRY I don't have a therapist 😭#yknow the scooper from the FNAF series? I feel like I scoop my insides every time I c-m#aggsdfffff tmi but sorry😭#feel free to leave your experiences/advice/opinions etc if you get a period#it's gross but we need to talk to each other kinda like finding out y'all get paid differently before y'all decide on a union#I'm sorry I high and lonely aggssffffff#anyway let's discuss periods cus I never had that safe place in my life#scenario: my partner gives me forced O s to make my cramps feel better and they shush my sobs with my favorite chocolate#i don't feel like a woman🙃#like...I feel so seperate from the concept todsy#God wouldn't give me these feelings pre weed if they didn't mean something#some days gebder is really hard and I want people to see -real name- not my gender :/#like I'm one of those people who'd use my name as pronouns#I'm just a lil fella#the plots of muppets in space has been my entire life#I feel like it'd be eaiser if I was fully trans cus like#that sounds more legit than 'sometimes I feel different genders'#it sounds like I smoked at least I can see my dad thinking that#I wouldn't even make my dad or family use different pronouns or even involve them in that part of my identity#but I feel like by them not knowing it's a big lie and I really hate lying :(#that's what made me come out as gay even tho I was single#I just...I don't like hiding or lying I wanna share the real me
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maburito · 7 months
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Man....I hate having a job.
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talentforlying · 8 months
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was chatting timeline stuff with gracie and i've finally solidified my headcanons for the pre-swamp thing series of events that led to "blue suit fancy man" becoming the image for constantine's initial re-entry into the occult world after ravenscar!
not getting into the WHOLE ronnie cooper storyline bc it's SO weird and i need to figure out what i want to keep/ditch about.....ALL THAT. but i'm keeping the fact that the brother of mobster harry cooper snatched constantine out of ravenscar to try and resurrect harry's son who was killed in an accident, and that constantine stuck a demon in the body bc they wouldn't take no for an answer and threatened to kill his sister if he failed.
word travels about his "success" and ends up reaching clarice sackville — who's pretty damn skeptical given that she has a "resurrected" lover and KNOWS it's not that simple — and goes to ravenscar (where constantine ended back up afterwards) to confirm her suspicions. she's able to piece together exactly what happened from what he's lucid enough to share, recognizes that it was a pretty tricky con to pull off, and notes that it could be useful to have someone on her side who 1) is just that good, and 2) is owed a debt by the coopers, who she suspects will grow in power once the demon gets its bearings and starts working on everyone around it.
when john leaves ravenscar for the final time, clarice waits three months to make sure he's staying out, then approaches him to become business associates. his terms are that she helps him get back on his feet by setting him up with rich marks in the occult scene to fleece, and she agrees. this marks the start of their long, long association.
through clarice's connections, constantine starts making a double-sided name for himself as an occultist: to the rich, on-call provider of temptation + scandal fixer; and to everyone else, prolific con artist + blackmailer taking these suckers for all they're worth. (and one who'll push a little cash/provide an exorcism to a friend in need, at that.)
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