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xgoldendays · 2 years

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hi! do you know when you’ll be updating Miles Between Us? it’s my favorite fanfic ever!

to be completely honest, I wasn’t going to give any more hints on when mbu might be updated and just post the chapter randomly BUT my lovely friend and beta, heather @whaticameherefor said I should give the people (probably just like five people at this point) what they want.

so depending on my timing and heather’s timing, the next chapter of mbu will tentatively be posted this weekend. I know it’s been a long time but I always told myself I would see this thing through and especially lately, I have to hold myself to that.

that being said, heather also said I should give a little bullet point fun time to catch everyone up in case rereading is not your bag, which is totally and completely fair. below the cut you’ll find a very haphazard summary of where we are in the story 🎉 (spoilers if you haven’t read it) and as always, thank you all for being the best 🥰

I was going to summarize the road trip but it got too long. if you don’t remember it, i can sum it up in a few sentences. mickey is fresh out of prison, cranky and very suppressed. kind of hates everything. sandy is his cousin and best friend and ian is a cute hitchhiker who gives mickey the most gay panic. there’s also drug money and car hijacking and star gazing and ned being scummy toward ian.

after the road trip, mickey gets a wonderful parole officer named larry and starts working at Patsy’s, where surprise surprise Ian also works. there’s a lot of tension and awkwardness and sandy doing things behind mickey’s back.

mickey ends up meeting lip and they slowly become friends, all while mickey keeps an arms distance between him and ian. that doesn’t work tho bc mickey is shockingly jealous when ian starts hanging out with ned again. so much so that he goes to where they’re hanging and beats the shit out of ned for trying to take advantage of ian.

things are pretty good, all things considered and mickey is getting in tight with the gallaghers until nasty, gross, awful terry drags mickey back into the drug business against his will. mickey gets hurt and he closes himself off again when all he wants is a normal, happy life.

terry is an asshole and mickey wants to get out from under his thumb, which he does after he ignores orders and goes to a surprise party ian set up for his birthday. there’s roller skating, cute songs, falling, cupcakes, and a birthday smooch in an alley way.

mickey deals with the repercussions of disobeying terry but also his feelings for ian. it all culminates in terry destroying patsy’s and effectively mickeys livelihood and the gallaghers’. it’s really the straw that breaks the camels back and out of fear, mickey ends whatever is happening between him and ian.

sandy goes to jail, lip goes to rehab, ian runs away and mickey is all alone for six months~ depression and alcoholism spike. mickey has a new job at a bike shop run by brad but he mostly keeps to himself. lip insists he comes to hang out with the bike shop guys for their bonding time but mickey drinks too much and ends up hallucinating that ian is back.

one day though, who shows up at the shop but ian, who isn’t actually a dream abd is actually back. things are tense, even more so than before. mickey has to fight his feelings times a million. ian ends up tagging along for the guy trips and everything is just hard on mickey.

lip has started to rebuild patsy’s for fiona while mickey is paying his brothers off so they’ll leave him and sandy alone for the time being. during this time, ian and mickey agree to be friends and ian starts seeing someone new. mickey hates it more than words can describe and it leads him to hook up with one of the guys from the bike shop.

the drug business is getting rough so the milkovich brothers find out iggy has gone off grid and when mickey can’t tell them if he snitched, they go running to terry. terry goes to mickey’s workplace and beats him up but he’s caught in the act by lip, ian, and the other guys.

mickey’s shame and pride catch up to him and he has a full on break down — finally wanting to get out from under terry’s control and just live his life. ian comes to take care of him and the two come to an impasse of sorts, where they aren’t sure where they stand but know there’s more there worth exploring.

that was very much not eloquent in the slightest but I promise if you read it, it’s much more interesting and detailed than that mess I just wrote 😅

#gallavich #mbu #gallavich fic

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dustedmagazine · 4 years

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Spanish Love Songs — Brave Faces Everyone (Pure Noise)

Photo by John Lafirira

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For some bands, starting their big third, swing-for-the-fences record with the line “on any given day, I’m a 6 of 10” might be them hedging their bets or trying to manage expectations; for Dylan Slocum and the rest of LA’s Spanish Love Songs, it’s practically a high-water mark. That’s not to say the band’s straightforwardly anthemic punk rock on “Routine Pain” or the other nine song on Brave Faces Everyone is a downer; they managed to avoid that trap (of just being depressing instead of writing about depression) on 2018’s stellar Schmaltz, even while mostly focused just on familial grief and negative thinking. Here, fittingly enough for the absolutely insane 2020 we’re all having, Spanish Love Songs turn outwards to the zero sum game we all seem to be trapped in, addressing the personal and the political (and the way they can blend and shape each other, cf. “shit life syndrome” Mark Fisher on capitalist depression) in a way that blends stark realism about where we’re at with blood-in-the-teeth punk determination to keep going and see if we can get to anywhere better.

Punk, like a lot of genres from the 1970s or earlier, has splintered into the kind of kaleidoscopic taxonomy that only the devoted and teenagers can keep up with (bless both for doing so), so to get a sense of Spanish Love Songs it helps to know that frontman Dylan Slocum has said in interviews that he’s settled on just describing them as a rock band. Something that fits both those broader categories solidly, but still makes sense as punk, is where Spanish Love Songs pretty much lives. Think of a band approaching the Fugazi/Springsteen axis from the opposite side that Ontario’s beloved Constantines (also a quintet!) did in their day and tweak the lyrical bluntness a bit in a post-emo direction and you have a sense of some of the power of Schmaltz. Songs like “The Boy Considers His Haircut” (where Slocum is considering that haircut precisely because it’s been “co-opted by Nazis”) indicate a viewpoint that is aware of and cares about the wider world, but is grappling with a hefty enough personal load to prevent that from really being the focus. Here, with the passing of a little time and our continued progress into dystopia, they’ve found that focus.

The array of topics covered on Brave Faces Everyone is neither incidental nor unremarked on; just before the album release, the band posted a “reading list” to twitter going song by song and listing groups working on the issues they’re writing about. That alone helps make something like the searing “Kick”’s depiction of various lives ground under the tread of the War on Drugs feel a bit less grim, but so does the structure of the song. One part of the refrain may be “the world’s gonna kick you either way” (both in the kicked-when-down and kicked-the-habit senses) but it’s sung with such fierceness, in a way that begs to be yelled along with live, that it transmutes the feeling into defiance; you’ll get kicked either way, so fight.

Spanish Love Songs provide some of the most powerful moments here when addressing problems that seem more intractably structural, whether it’s the endless procession of gun violence seen from the ER on the relatively hushed “Dolores” or the combo of “Losers” and “Losers 2” addressing the first generation in living memory expected to do worse, en masse, than their parents. Even when wailing “I’m tired anyway, why the hell would I care?” at the end of “Beachfront Property” they manage to make it sound like a rallying cry. Brave Faces Everyone doesn’t have a bunch of easy answers either — it’s more a record of solidarity and mutual support than it is anything more prescriptive. Still, by the end of the closing title track Slocum is swearing he’s an optimist and noting “we were never broken / life’s just very long.” We all take our wins where we can get them, these days.

Ian Mathers

#spanish love songs #brave faces everyone #pure noise #ian mathers #albumreview #dusted magazine #punk rock #politics #depression #rock

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eddiemoonson · 4 years

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Hey how are you. I know its been awhile and you've been on hiatus. Your comments/tags about mental illness hit hard for me. I'm someone with severe anxiety disorders and depression. On top of that I also have ASD level 1 (previously called aspergers). I have a hard time knowing if people genuinely like me let alone if they love me and why they would. Ian's insecurities hit hard. Mickey I think despite the anger/hurt understands. He left the door open for Ian to come back ready to love.

Exactly. When it comes to their relationship, it’s important to really see what Mickey is saying between the lines:

When you get over this whole "I'm not worthy of love" bullshit, why don't you give me a call? Maybe if Barry hasn't made an honest woman out of me, I'll still be around.

It’s harsh but he’s basically acknowledging Ian’s self-worth issues and stating that he’ll be there when Ian’s ready. Which is not to say that he would wait forever, but Ian wouldn’t let him anyway. He could have said “Go away and don’t come back, I’m tired of your bullshit” if that’s how he felt, Mickey isn’t one to beat around the bush to make his points clear. Instead he said “Why don’t you give me a call when you get over this?”. His tone was sarcastic and he was clearly hurt and he wanted Ian to know he was hurt and he was dismissive but he wasn’t shooting Ian down and definitely wasn’t ending things. The whole time I was thinking about 2x08:

What did I just say to you? Done is done. What, you think we're boyfriend and girlfriend here? You're nothing but a warm mouth to me.

Here he wants Ian to be sure that there’s nothing between them anymore. He uses hurtful words (and we can argue that he didn’t really mean them but that’s not the point i’m trying to make), he drives the point across and leaves no hope for further discussion. Done is done. It’s over. It’s so over that Ian doesn’t visit him in juvie this time, It’s Mickey that has to take that step and rebuild the bridge, since the center of the issue in this break up was his fear of Terry.

I’m not, in no way, blaming Mickey for fearing his father, at all! I’m just pointing out that it was up to him reach out that time, just like is up to Ian to reach out this time. But now things are much more complex. They’re not two teenagers hooking up in secret. They’re adults and their goal is to build a life together. So they have to address and work on their issues (Ian mainly) instead of going on like they always do, pretending nothing is/was ever wrong.

About the mention of Ian’s self-worth issues: God, it’s a long time coming! They could have explored in S6, with his recovery. They could have done it in s7, with him “exploring” his sexuality. They could have done it in S8, connecting the gay Jesus bullshit with his need for validation. They could have done it in S9, while the kids were running around excited about the movement and he wasn’t feeling it anymore. They could have done it earlier this season, when they talked about the parole. But better later than never, I guess. And it hit HARD! I felt that like a punch! Every single word he said crossed my mind at some point of my life. That self-doubt? I’ve been living with it practically my whole life! That need for having someone else telling you what to do because you can’t trust your own decisions (”And Debbie told me to”)? Self-guessing (”I've decided. I'm gonna go do it. (...) You're just gonna let me go?”)? Sign me the fuck up! That’s me! That’s me right there on the screen! I never related to Ian so much like I did this episode. And that’s really fucking sad, when you stop to think about it. But this is out now, there’s no coming back from this. He can’t just pretend he didn’t say these things. So, the only choice now is to work on himself and get better. And feel better and get his man back.

It might sound crazy, especially with Ian’s defeated face on our minds, but the end of episode feels almost hopeful to me. It’s an open door, like you said! To me, this episode (hell, maybe their whole relationship?) can be summed up in: 1) It’s NOT lack of love but Ian’s damaged self-image that keeps him guarded and 2) Mickey won’t give up on Ian. Even now, that he’s left Ian and is pretending to be with someone else, he’s not letting go of his redhead. And I think that’s beautiful. :)

#SAINGIRL101 #shameless spoilers #anxiety cw #mental health cw #mental illness cw #long post #saingirl101

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dopescotlandwarrior · 5 years

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Someone like you-Chapter 34

On AO3

Ch-28 Ch-29 Ch-30 Ch-31 Ch-32 Ch-33

Chapter 34

The chilly air was invigorating as we made our way to the bridal shop. I prayed that Jenny would not want further details about sex between Jamie and me because he was her brother and that was just weird.

The owner asked us to sit and chat for a few minutes while her assistants were pulling the dresses she wanted to show us. She asked me tons of questions about Jamie, what we both did for a living, and for fun. I didn’t think the questions were intended for anything because they seemed so random. When the assistants came in with dresses she sent half of them back pulled three to the dressing room and the rest on racks nearby.

“Alright," she looked at me smiling. "You can look all you want but I believe the three I’ve chosen will be your favorites. Call when you need assistance.”

“Out of the thousand or so dresses in this place how could she know yer three favorites?”

I shrugged my shoulders at Jenny’s whispered question. I believed it was a sales technique of some sort. My taste was off the beaten path, always had been, no way she could target my style. I looked at the vast number of dresses that hung near the huge dressing room and thought I better get started.

I looked at the three bridal gowns and my first thought was the absurdity that I would choose one of these and actually marry the man who stole my heart when I was ten years old. I felt tears pricking my eyes and resisted the urge to pinch myself. The gowns were stunning and I was very careful touching them. I pulled my clothes off and tried to find a zipper or buttons to put the first one on. After five minutes I was getting cold so I called Jenny to come in.

“Christ Claire, put my jacket on before ye freeze to death. I think I got it, no that’s not it. Edith, we need ye help with this.”

It was the owner who came in, still smiling, and offered to help. “Arms up lass.”

The fabric of the dress slid down my body and legs feeling like a cool slippery second skin. I have a theory about the perfect dress and it has proven right every time. When the dress feels like it was made for you, sums up your personality and goals you have for the event you buy it. This was the dress I would be married in, I knew it as it slipped onto my body, and I was delighted with it.

“Lass, I dinna ken what to say. It’s breathtakin, you’re beautiful in it, Jamie will have a heart attack when he sees ye in it.”

Heavy lace sleeves from my wrist to five inches below my shoulder attached to the heart-shaped bodice that was close fitted and decorated with thousands of hand-sewn pearls. The skirt was two layers with a modest flair. The owner went to get a stiff slip and the fabric fell onto it like a whisper. Jenny had a strange look on her face and pulled my arm so I would turn around to look in the mirror. I have never felt so elegant or had such a beautiful dress in my life. The tears would not be held back and I looked at the owner like she was magic.

“How could you possibly know?”

“It’s my job to see the person inside, and I’ve been dressing brides for thirty years.”

The owner explained the heavy lace sleeves would add some warmth for my winter wedding. I turned around to see the sharp dip to my waist, exposing my back. Keep me warm indeed, I thought. Next, we lost ourselves in gorgeous silk stockings, garter belts, tiny panties, and stunning shoes. I chose the highest heel she had because I wanted to look in Jamie’s eyes whenever I turned in his direction.

I watched Edith and Jenny with a keen eye and noticed what they drooled over. I let the owner know I would pick up those items tomorrow as Christmas presents and to please set them aside for me. I could not help seeing Edith’s eyes land on a beautiful beaded clutch. She did not touch it but her gaze landed on it several times. I indicated to the shop owner I would take that as well.

After three hours we piled out of the shop completely exhausted. Jenny went her separate way to do Christmas shopping and I drove Edith home. The sky was hosting large swollen black clouds and I saw the lights on Edith’s house from a block away. It made me happy inside that I had a friend like Edith who taught me how to cook, got me to therapy, loved my dog and my husband to be, and embraced my whole family. I helped her inside and hugged her.

“I love you, Edith, thank you for spending such an amazing day with me.”

“We will see you on Christmas dear and I will bring some things.”

I laughed at that. Some things meant an entire meal that would be remembered throughout the year. I turned my pockets inside out to show the Butter-lovers he was not sequestered against his will and they lost all interest in me walking to his bed with their tiny hearts broken.

“Maybe it’s time to have Butter for a play day,” she said looking at her depressed pugs.

A last hug and I was homeward bound with a deep sigh of relief. I was getting married on Hogmanay and it would be a day to remember. I needed my groom in a big way.

When I turned onto the road to Lallybroch I saw a man and a dog in a far-field. The dog was running to him after retrieving a stick when he suddenly dropped it in the snow and looked at the man. It was Butter, my favorite dog who never found the value in an old stick. I looked beyond the confused K-9 and saw Jamie waving his arms at me. I parked and walked across the field, first to be assaulted by Butter, and then Jamie. His blue eyes sparkled against the snow-covered field and his smile was brilliant.

We walked home to a warm fire and a few hours to binge Netflix before dinner. Since we were alone in the house we stretched out on the couch and spent a relaxing minute and a half and then gave in to the naughty arousal of making love in the living room where we could be caught by Jenny or Ian returning home. I decided risky sex was delicious and put a star next to it on my types of sex mental list. No sooner did we dress than I heard the kitchen door slam and Jenny’s voice say something about dinner. I smiled at Jamie and he acknowledged the close call as he pulled me on his lap and tickled me.

“Oh Christ, ye two are making me sick. I am goin to lay down before dinner, I’m sure ye can get by an hour without me.”

Jamie sat at the kitchen table working on the renovation drawings while I got a pork roast ready for the oven. I made rice pilaf and a broccoli casserole and looked over Jamie’s shoulder asking questions. I was so excited about this renovation. We would have the entire upstairs, including the huge bathroom and tub, a room for the nursery that could later be divided for a second child and Jenny’s old room to create whatever we wanted. It was a glorious amount of space and freedom to raise our family. Jenny and Ian would enjoy the same luxury a level below us.

“Why didn’t we think of this before! I am so happy and excited and you are brilliant, can’t wait and I love you and…”

I had dropped into Jamie’s lap halfway through my happiness tirade and he seized the only way I had to communicate my joy. He moaned against my mouth and pulled me closer to him.

“I decided on a pork roast because I learned in nursing school that pork has special … rejuvenation …um …enzymes that target…” I inclined my head toward Jamie’s crotch. His eyes got wide and he looked down at his lap and then smiled like the devil himself.

“Sassenach, you are such a delight and yer learning such important things. I am a lucky man.” His smile was so big he could hardly kiss me.

Crap. It was supposed to be a joke but he didn’t laugh. Hm, I vowed to tell him someday so it wasn’t really lying and now I had pork in my bag of seduction tricks. Sorry, Jamie but you are just too adorable right now and I sense another hour of percolation and you will cripple me tonight. Oh, Christ, we may cripple each other. I turned the oven temperature up fifty degrees.

Dinner was perfect thanks to Edith’s secrets. I thought about tuition for the private Culinary Institute and how many students learned from her each semester. It was a staggering amount of money because they recruited the best chefs to teach. That made me giggle because I have her all to myself every Saturday. Jamie leaned into my ear as I popped a piece of pork in my mouth. I blushed at his whispered suggestion and smiled despite myself.

Jenny pointed her fork at me, then Jamie, “I’m gonna kill one of ya in yer sleep and I love ya both the same so it’ll be a coin toss. I canna get any peace wonderin what’s goin on in there so it’s been nice knowin one of ye.”

“Jenny, my back is sore from all the standing today. Do you mind if I use your tub tonight?”

“Yer a terrible liar and ye know yer welcome to all that I have if ye do my share of dishes tonight. I don’t feel that great.”

Jamie was doing his magic table-clearing act where all the dishes suddenly vanish from the table and appear in the sink, stacked for quick washing. Ian jumped to aid Jenny so it was just me and the adorable one. He kissed my neck as I powered through the washing.

“Sassenach, I must advise ye of the danger yer in. It feels like fifty horses are draggin me to bent ye over right where ye stand. Have mercy and show ye love by gettin in the tub if ye must. I’ll no wait much longer.”

He pulled my hand to his crotch and I squeaked quite involuntarily. So, the Blue Whale is not extinct after all and I must upgrade the potential danger to crippled for life. I decided I didn’t need the use of my legs anyway. I tried to kiss him and struggled for his mouth as he spun me and gently pushed me out of the kitchen.

“If yer not in bed naked when I get upstairs I’ll have ye where I find ye mo chridhe. I ate entirely too much pork I think.”

I was stuck looking at him being so sexy and saw his eyes get dark saying time is up, here I come. I vanished from the kitchen and my hands shook as I dropped into the hot water. I lit the fire after stacking three logs that erupted in flame casting a romantic glow in the room. I never tired of how the fire threw dancing light on Jamie’s skin as he moved causing a thrill when parts of his body were revealed. I pulled the bedding down so it would not hinder our movement.

Jamie gave me a total girl gift when the weather got cold. A floor-length transparent robe made from exquisite soft fabric, huge sleeves, and yards of material that was belted. When I touched the fur that ran around the collar and down the front I recoiled believing it was real until Jamie showed me the tag that said simulated mink. It was my guilty pleasure and his ignition switch.

Jamie came in and looked at me like a starving man. Without a word, he disappeared to the shower and cut his impressive time by a full minute. He wrapped his naked body around me and my fingers raked through his wet hair.

“Would you like a glass of whisky love?”

“Nah, I want yer forgiveness. This will no end soon, mo gradhag, and I’ll be lucky to get a full minute of tenderness in before I take what I want from ye. Give me yer mouth Sassenach.”

My two orgasms were award winners but I stayed quiet by holding my hand tightly against my mouth. I’m not sure it worked because on the orgasm planet I visit I have no ears. Just vibrating nerve endings that sing a song of pulsing delight. When I leave and come back to earth my ears are always attached to my head again so I can hear Jamie growl and pant as he rides his wave of euphoria.

This amazing day had ripped the energy and strength from me. I was descending into the void so fast I grabbed Jamie’s arm as if to stop myself. His hand was splayed on my still flat stomach and he was asking me why there was no bump. I looked from his hand to his eyes and felt my heart explode. I told him quickly how much I loved him and tried a second time to form the actual words that still didn’t sound right. Jamie laughed and pulled me to him as he reached for the light.

I ascended into consciousness slowly seeing the light of day behind my closed eyelids. This was one of my favorite times of the day as I became aware of the world again. I yawned deeply and twisted to the other side running right into Jamie. My eyes flew open at this unexpected obstacle in my morning bed. He moved slightly but otherwise continued to sleep. I wanted to jump up and down and clap my hands at this rare surprise to enjoy a Sunday morning lounging with my favorite person. I snuggled into him and went back to whatever plane I woke from.

Sometime later, I took a deep breath and let his scent fill my nose and lungs, feeling it energize me. He kissed my face over and over again until I was fully conscious.

“Ye have the prettiest eyes God ever gave a lass. Tell me what great things ye did in heaven to win them mo chridhe.”

I pushed myself up knowing my hair was acting out a riot and smiled at him. “Jamie?”

“lass?”

“You need to tell me something important, to get it off your chest, so to speak.”

Jamie said nothing but stared at my eyes and shook his side to side.

I brought my face within an inch of his and looked in his eyes. “You have the eyes of someone who adop0ted a kitten on impulse, so tell me where it is so Butter doesn’t eat it accidentally.”

Jamie was blushing crimson and laughing. He finally stood up and went into the hall then pushed a large box into our room. I realized it was a sixty-inch smart tv and called out every ounce of inner strength not to jump on the bed and demand he set it up and turn it on. We were a bit frugal, all of us sharing a single television that his parents owned.

“I was gonna give it to ye for Christmas but that would be a mistake, I think.”

“I don’t know about that, I can get your present ready …I just have to catch it and hold it still while I wrap it.”

“Yer givin me one of yer chickens for Christmas Sassenach?”

“No fair guessing, you have to wait and be surprised.”

“Lucky for the chicken, I dinna give ye the tv for Christmas.” He looked at me and the energy changed abruptly as stared back at him.

“I got ye, us, a honeymoon to remember, love.” He pulled an envelope from the top of the TV box and handed it to me.”

I turned it upside down and let the contents land on the bed as my eyes saw brochure pictures that made my heart pound. “We’re going to the Bahamas!”

I jumped on Jamie screaming with delight. He didn’t grab me fast enough so I escaped to jump on the bed, butt naked, still screaming with delight. “Tell me more!”

When he was silent I looked down at him watching my breasts bounce with my efforts. I dropped to the bed and pulled him on top of me. I felt him hard and large through his sweat pants and pushed them down over his magnificent butt. I was naked and squirming under him as I kissed him hard.

“It’s gentleman’s choice until noon and I am a slave to your pleasure Jamie.” I opened my mouth suggestively. Jamie whispered his instructions for an erotic experience that charged my batteries and made them explode. He told me where to put my tongue, how to slide it around his sensitive head, how to lay my tongue flat against him and let him pump my mouth. He stopped to say something and I saw his eyes lose focus. I shoved him in my mouth, to my throat and heard him groan loudly for what seemed like a full minute. While I was still swallowing I heard skin slapped.

“Fuckin Jamie!” Ian sounded like he would barge in our room and choke him to death.

As we struggled to stop laughing I remembered Jenny`s wicked sense of fair play, payback, and revenge. She was a master at tit-for-tat. I wondered what she will expose me to when I`m nine months pregnant. I scowled at Jamie and suggested he stop laughing.

#outlander fanfiction outlander fanfic jamie and claire

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yvynyl · 4 years

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// Letters to YVYNYL //

Ian Steinberg - Feeling the Light

/ A lot of people who read this blog seem to fall into a certain amorphous group of individuals. Many, if not most, are people who are looking to use songwriting as a method of healing, grace, and purpose. Ian is an artist who sent me his music last year around this time and I’m just now getting to publish some bits of a record he put out online in the spring of 2019. Now, he’s worked on some new stuff from his base in Vermont. It is a piece he recorded in what appears to be his pretty chill bedroom. Have a listen while you read the inspiration in his letter below.

Hi Mark!

The best way to sum up my experience with music is with the famous quote by Nietzsche: "Without music, life would be a mistake." For me, it is not so much a matter of why I do music, rather than I must.

I'm not sure I would be able to find life enjoyable without my personal pursuit of music. The sense of purpose it fills me with is a sustaining force. That is part of why I write, to fill an ineffable part of my existence that otherwise would be lacking. At least, that is how I've viewed most of my experience. However, as a part of my healing process, I've been able to find a lot of joy outside of my own work and recognize the love that is around me, which has been extremely helpful.

Songwriting itself is also a healing process. Beyond processing my thoughts and experiences through lyrics, it gives me the space to get my emotions out in a constructive manner. Songwriting, and performing more specifically, connects me with other people's experiences as well, allowing me to process my grief by listening to others' stories when they approach me after shows or write to me. I hope that it gives those who hear my music the space to do that as well.

My name is Ian Steinberg, a Burlington, Vermont based indie-folk singer-songwriter. I'm writing to you to share a new song I wrote for my Tiny Desk submission as well as the last album I made that carries great significance to me called "Guidance." Entirely written, produced, recorded, and mixed by me, "Guidance" is a true indie product, with a clear arch and catchy melodies.

A quick note about "Guidance:" The album is the aural journey of my descent into and rise out of depression. It takes place over the course of many years and catalogs my emotional states and experiences in song form.

While I would prefer not to dive too deep into some of the stories behind this, as it's pretty painful to discuss, even with close friends, I will try to provide some insight into the journey that the songs layout.

The album is collected into four blocks of songs all separated by instrumental (ish) interludes. The first block is three songs that lay out some of the fundamental causes of my unhappiness, including substance abuse, loss of love, and a sincere self-doubt built upon a lack of confidence. The tone of the songs are relatively light, but the lyrical content shows how I truly feel in those moments. The songs express an ability to put on a façade of cheerfulness while internally processing difficulties.

The next block, starting with "Pieces...Pieces..." is the true descent. A shift in tone and content, this block of songs shows some of the most difficult times in my life. "And Now..." (video live from the Wishbone Collective in Winooski, Vermont) describes the loss of one of my best friends to a drug overdose. "How Can Our Fathers" describes my dealing with what, for lack of better terms, was a betrayal by my dad (just a note that we have a good relationship and that this song is processing, not a lingering resentment).

The third block, beginning with "Stuck Inside the Water Basin," is my realization that I need help. That I can't be alone in this struggle any longer. The realization that I am loved. This in some ways was much more difficult to write than the previous section, because it is relinquishing a sense of independence and the idea I can figure it out on my own. The block contains the eponymous song of the album, and how I'm pleading for guidance, needing help. "One Foot One Knee" is an ode/anthem/chant to perseverance and recognition that we need to move one foot in front of the other.

The last section starts with "Fatima." This contains a passage from Paulo Coelho's "The Alchemist" when the main character sees the love of his life for the first time. This is a bridge between a sense of destiny/place in "One Foot One Knee," to processing losing what I thought was the love of my life in "At the Risk of Coming Off as Trite." The last song, "Sunshine," is a message of thanks, and that I'm working through this still, and that I'm grateful for the things around me despite my mental state.

I guess maybe I dived deeper into it than I was expecting, but I hope you enjoy listening with this context.

I've also released a video of me and my lead guitarist performing the track "And Now..." live from The Wishbone Collective in Winooski, Vermont.

Thanks for your time and consideration. I hope you enjoy the album!

Best,

Ian

Support YVYNYL, an independent music project here!

Got a story to tell? Submit it to Letters to YVYNYL.

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#Ian Steinberg #Letters to YVYNYL #essays #love #loss #depression #Vermont #music #songwriting

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lovebunnie · 5 years

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Do all the asks coward

1. what does your wallet look like?

-i got it as a present from my uncle for christmas and its really expensive but also so ugly im sorry uncle tom. its like that ‘southern fashion’ bullshit that white MAGA moms wear. but it was better than my old wallet, which looks like this and i got when i was 12:

2. favorite color?

- baby pinnk

3. do you own a pride flag, or more than one?

-heres the thing: my parents basically know im not straight but i havent told them. my brother has thought i was a lesbian since freshman year, i have a small pride pin on my backpack, ive never been on a date, its complicated. but no, i dont have one. maybe one day, hopefully.

4. describe your favorite outfit

-black pants, platform doc martens, hoodie under a jean jacket, one clip on earring, and holding my crushes hand :]

5. when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter, and what’d she do?

-okay so theres this girl in my theatre class who is really cute, and she put her head on my shoulder and shes pagan so she drew a little sigil on my arm that means “safe and homely” so like :)))))))))))))

6. do you use nail polish?

-i do, i mostly do black tho

7. do you keep organized?

-absolutely. i have things online filed accordingly, i pick out my outfits the day before, my binders are neat, i learned how to army fold my shirts, i keep my shit CLEAN

8. ever take naps?

-only accidentally. ill be laying in bed watching youtube and next thing you know my autoplay has me watching a markiplier video even tho i dont like him and its 4 hours later

9. who was your first crush?

-idk if this is a real person or not so ill do both. my first fake person crush was either troy from high school musical or frankie stein from monster high. and my first real crush was on a boy named dominic in elementary school. i told him i liked him at the end of 5th grade because i thought i was switching schools but then i didnt and we never spoke again.

10. what are your crush tendencies? fall hard or often?

-both both both. i am the worst with crushes. i have crushes all the time because im romantic and a fucking fool. i have 3 crushes off the top of my head rn and i like them all for different reasons. thats not to say that i want to date them, but its that i like them a lot and i kinda wanna kiss their cheek or hold their hand idk

11. describe your ideal day

-play overwatch with my best friend (u gonble >:) ) then hang out with my cat, go get a smoothie, buy some cool shoes or something, take a shower and be asleep by 9 :,)

12. describe your ideal date

-i have stated that build a bear is an amazing first date and im NOT BACKING DOWN. ITS CUTE AS FUCK AND ILL ACCEPT NOTHING LESS!!

13. whats your favorite food?

-either sushi or strawberries :3c

14. who do you feel most comfortable around?

-my theatre class, people from camp, and gobble

15. what is your favorite compliment to receive?

-i dont have a favorite, any and all are going to make my face go red so i have to cover it and maybe make me cry

16. did you/do you like highschool?

-the first 3 years fucking sucked but senior year has been amazing so far. mostly because i just kinda stopped giving a fuck but its amazing

17. favorite animal?

-i think its cats now. i really like cats

18. do you like your name?

-eh, its okay. its pretty but also it seems like there are 60 million fucking people named grace and its so annoying. i wish it was something more unique idk

19. what kind of weather is your favorite?

-a light rain. no swinging trees or thunder, just lots of rain. its nice to stay inside and feel secure

20. do you believe in horoscopes?

-absolutely not. but theyre fun if you like them

21. tell us about your music taste

-its horrific. to sum it up, my two favorite musicians are the gorillaz and frank sinatra. take from that what you will

22. have you had your first kiss? if so, what was it like?

-i havent had my first kiss yet. gonna be honest, i felt like i was going to, a few times at camp and recently when classes ended. but yeah, nothing yet

23. did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a kid?

-i went thro cycles of favorites. but one ive had for years is a plush shadow the hedgehog from universal studios i got when i was 6. i used to carry him around, even to a pool once

24. what time do you usually wake up and go to bed?

-if you know me, you know i go to bed ridiculously early. i usually get tried at around 6pm and fall asleep between 7:45 and 8:30. and i always wake up before 6 am. i havent slept past 6 am continuously since the end of junior year. please help me

25. what dream trip would you take with your wife?

-maybe to go explore new york, just the two of us that sounds like fun :]

26. do you have any pets?

-i have 2 dogs and a cat. the family owns the dogs but that cat is mine

27. what pair of underwear is your favorite?

-uhhhhhhhhhhh i have some with rainbows that are cool? i dont have favorites, none of them are cute anyway

28. what makes you smile?

-funny jokes make me smile real hard, and if you compliment me at the right time, i kind of pull my legs up and hide my face? its cute and charming i promise

29. what makes you feel heavy?

-in both the physical and metaphorical sense, eating bread

30. what makes you feel better?

-watching bo burnham always makes me feel better, hes my go to whenever im really depressed

31. how do you show your love?

-i show my love in everything i do. everything i do is for love, i love love so much its sickening

32. when is it time to get a haircut?

-whenever u want to lol?

33. where would you live if you could live anywhere?

-maybe san francisco, its beautiful and i love the city

34. do your friends and family take good care of you?

-as much as i allow them to. sometimes i go days without communicating and i know thats annoying but my friends put up with it (they shouldnt have to, i know) and my family is okay. its cliche to say, but they honestly dont understand what im going thro alot of the times, esp with my anxiety and shit

35. have you always used the labels you use now?

-back in the beginning of highschool, i used they/them pronouns and identified as asexual/aromantic. eventually, it didnt feel right, so i know identify as cis and bisexual and that feels right to me

36. what makes you laugh?

-my friends, when people shit talk gobble and i in overwatch even tho???? we didnt know him?????? and the mcelroys always get me

37. who is your favorite fictional character?

-too many options, see list here

38. who do yo admire?

-my father when hes not threatening to throw my phone into a fucking lake and my friends for putting up with me

39. describe yourself in three words

-i am baby

40. how long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

-usually about 45 min, more or less as each day goes

41. what do you wish you could tell your younger self?

-listen: STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE. YOU WILL NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN, BE YOURSELF. STOP HIDING AND BEING SCARED OF YOURSELF, BE GENUINE!!!!

42. what would you do if you win the lottery?

-get my parents settled, see about other family members, and then distribute the money to charities accordingly, starting with flint and getting them water

43. would you call yourself a romantic?

-yes

44. what is your gayest childhood memory?

-my mom had cosmos magazines

45. do you have tattoos or want any?

-i dont have any tattoos but ive been obsessed with them since the 6th grade. id love to get tattoos, i just dont know what or where and also im afraid of pain

46. whats your worst habit?

-either biting my thumbs, starving myself, or ghosting my friends. prob ghosting my friends

47. what are you proud of?

-i guess coming out of my shell finally? idk, i actually have friends now and it feels amazing tbh. im in 5 group chats now. i havent been in a group chat since 6th grade. :))))))

48. did you know that youre actually a gift to the world, for real?

-hi i love you?

49. whats your favorite memory?

-there are so so many. but what comes to mind first is our dance night at camp where we all stood outside and i finally gave ian my tumblr and we all ran inside to dance to mr. brightside then ran outside again and we requested nightcore and rivers was fucking dancing their hearts out and we all sang along and im going to crying just typing this out

50. do you have a sweet tooth?

-i guess so. too much makes me feel like shit but i do really enjoy smarties

51. what do you like most about yourself?

-this is dumb, but my sense of style. since i got a job ive been wearing shit i actually like and its amazing. ill admit i have cool clothes

52. what makes you fall for a girl?

-besides acknowledging me, probably getting to know me and not like, putting me on a pedestal. idk its weird, ive met a lot of people this year who like to place me so high it feels like i cant make a mistake around them without disappointing them. idk, i want someone to call me out on my bullshit instead of assuring me im okay. i want to know what i do wrong so i can fix it

53. make a recommendation

-for what? uhh okay for music, listen to ‘clay pigeons’ by michael cera (yes i know michael cera) and for television, watch bojack horseman and for movies, watch the docuseries called ‘7 days out’ on netflix

54. have you ever had your heart broken?

-yeah, when i broke up with maddy because we werent ready to date. i cared and continue to care about her and i didnt want to hurt her but i knew its what we both needed. its what i needed, atleast. and i cant be a good girlfriend if i feel like im doing badly. but also ive had friends break my heart and family break my heart. but im okay now, this heart is ready to be broken again

55. when do you feel most yourself?

-def when i was at camp, that place is magical in the way it allows you to be yourself. but also when i talk to gobble because hes my best friend and when im at college, we can talk more and its gonna be dope as shit

56. name a gorgeous celeb

-jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal jake gyllenhaal

57. what are some of your favorite songs this week?

-fake happy by paramore, im not okay (i promise) by my chemical romance, tomorrow comes today by gorillaz

58. tell us 2 or your biggest hopes and fears

-biggest hopes: i publish a book someday & i get a job doing something i love

-biggest fears: i end up homeless and broke & something horrific happens in college

59. what flavor chapstick/lipbalm is the best?

-raspberry i guess

60. are you okay?

-i answered a lot more honestly then i shouldve for some of these and i start new classes tomorrow so im feeling really anxious so im doing alright i guess.

gobble you test me but i do love you

#g0bbleb0ners #that took 90 minutes #also i got kinda real here.... :////////#whatever no one reads these things anyway

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bountyofbeads · 5 years

Text

The entertainment industry is rife with sexual exploitation and sexual abuse just like the Catholic Church. #TimesUp #MeToo

This is a heartbreaking in- depth article of one of the most prolific directors in recent history.

‘Nobody Is Going to Believe You’

The Bohemian Rhapsody director Bryan Singer has been trailed by accusations of sexual misconduct for 20 years. Here, his alleged victims tell their stories.

By Alex French and Maximillian Potter |March 2019 Issue Culture | Posted January 27, 2019 |

ver the past two decades, Bryan Singer’s films—The Usual Suspects, Valkyrie, Superman Returns, four of the X-Men movies—have earned more than $3 billion at the box office, putting him in the top tier of Hollywood directors. He’s known for taking risks in his storytelling: It was Singer’s idea, for instance, to open the original X-Men movie with a scene at Auschwitz, where a boy uses his superpowers to bend the metal gates that separate him from his parents. Studio executives were skeptical about starting a comic-book movie in a concentration camp, but the film became a blockbuster and launched a hugely profitable franchise for 20th Century Fox.

Singer’s most recent project debuted in November. Critics gave Bohemian Rhapsody—which chronicles the rise of the rock band Queen—only lukewarm reviews, but it earned more than $50 million in its opening weekend. By the end of December, it had brought in more than $700 million, making it one of the year’s biggest hits.

The film’s success should have been a triumph for Singer, proof of his enduring ability to intuit what audiences want. In January it won two Golden Globes, including the award for best drama. But Singer was conspicuously absent from the ceremony—and his name went unmentioned in the acceptance speeches. He had been fired by 20th Century Fox in December 2017, with less than three weeks of filming left. Reports emerged of a production in chaos: Singer was feuding with his cast and crew, and had disappeared from the set for days at a time.

On December 7, 2017, three days after The Hollywood Reporter broke the news of Singer’s firing, a Seattle man named Cesar Sanchez-Guzman filed a lawsuit against the director, alleging that Singer had raped him in 2003, when Sanchez-Guzman was 17. The day after that, Deadline Hollywood published an interview with a former boyfriend of Singer’s, Bret Tyler Skopek, in which Skopek described a lifestyle of drugs and orgies.

According to multiple sources, Fox had no idea that the Sanchez-Guzman lawsuit was coming when the studio fired Singer. Still, Sanchez-Guzman’s claims shouldn’t have been much of a surprise. Almost from the moment his star began to rise, Singer, who is now 53, has been trailed by allegations of sexual misconduct. These allegations were so well known that 4,000 students, faculty members, and alumni at the University of Southern California had signed a petition asking the school to take Singer’s name off one of its programs, the Bryan Singer Division of Cinema and Media Studies—which the school did immediately after Sanchez-Guzman filed his suit. As one prominent actor told us, “After the Harvey Weinstein news came out, everyone thought Bryan Singer would be next.”

We spent 12 months investigating various lawsuits and allegations against Singer. In total, we spoke with more than 50 sources, including four men who have never before told their stories to reporters. A man we’ll call Eric told us that he was 17 in 1997 when he and Singer had sex at a party at the director’s house; another we’ll call Andy says he was only 15 that same year, when he and Singer had sex in a Beverly Hills mansion. Both men say Singer, who was then in his early 30s, knew they were under 18, the age of consent in California. (They asked The Atlantic to conceal their identity for fear of retaliation, and because they didn’t want certain details about their past made public.)

The portrait of Singer that emerges is of a troubled man who surrounded himself with vulnerable teenage boys.

The accusations against Singer cover a spectrum. Some of the alleged victims say they were seduced by the director while underage; others say they were raped. The victims we interviewed told us these experiences left them psychologically damaged, with substance-abuse problems, depression, and PTSD.

The portrait of Singer that emerges is of a troubled man who surrounded himself with vulnerable teenage boys, many of them estranged from their families. Their accounts suggest that Singer didn’t act alone; he was aided by friends and associates who brought him young men. And he was abetted, in a less direct way, by an industry in which a record of producing hits confers immense power: Many of the sources we interviewed insisted, out of fear of damaging their own career, that we withhold their name, even as they expressed dismay at the behavior they’d witnessed.

When asked for comment, Singer’s lawyer, Andrew B. Brettler, noted that Singer has never been arrested for or charged with any crime, and that Singer categorically denies ever having sex with, or a preference for, underage men. (He also disputed specific details in this story, as noted throughout.) Singer himself wrote an Instagram post in October that read, in part:

I have known for some time that [there may be] a negative article about me. They have contacted my friends, colleagues and people I don’t even know. In today’s climate where people’s careers are being harmed by mere accusations, what [these reporters are] attempting to do is a reckless disregard for the truth, making assumptions that are fictional and irresponsible.

Singer continues to enjoy the benefit of the doubt in Hollywood. This fall, Millennium Films signed Singer to direct Red Sonja, an adaptation of a sword-and-sorcery comic book, for a reported $10 million. (Asked why Singer was hired despite the allegations against him, a Millennium publicist said, “I am afraid the response is ‘unavailable for comment.’ ”) The protagonist of Red Sonja is a survivor of sexual assault.

In the spring of 1997, when Victor Valdovinos was in seventh grade, he showed up to school one day to find a big-budget film production under way: All around him were tractor trailers, mobile dressing rooms, and people with walkie-talkies behaving as though they owned the place. The movie was Apt Pupil, Singer’s first project after his breakthrough, The Usual Suspects.

Filming took over Eliot Middle School in Altadena, northeast of Los Angeles. Late one afternoon, after basketball practice, Valdovinos stopped in an empty restroom. While standing at a urinal, he says, he felt a presence behind him. He turned and saw a bespectacled man in his early 30s. It was Bryan Singer. He looked Valdovinos over; Valdovinos remembers him saying, “You’re so good-looking. What are you doing tomorrow? Maybe I could have somebody contact you about putting you in this movie.” (Through his attorney, Singer said that he did not know who Valdovinos was and denied that anything had happened between them.)

The film, which was based on a Stephen King novella, starred Ian McKellen as Kurt Dussander, a former Nazi concentration-camp commandant living in Southern California, decades removed from the war and trying to keep his past a secret. The other lead was a 14-year-old named Brad Renfro—cast as Todd Bowden, Dussander’s neighbor, who discovers the Nazi’s secret and threatens to turn him over to authorities unless the old man tells him in graphic detail about the atrocities he committed. One scene has Todd taking a shower in his school’s gym, which triggers images of Jews in a gas chamber.

That scene would lead to a series of lawsuits against Singer and the production. At least five plaintiffs, all minors between the ages of 14 and 17, were extras in the film and, in essence, claimed that members of the crew had bullied them into stripping naked for the shower scene. The boys and some of their parents said they’d been aware that the job called for partial nudity, which they had been led to believe meant wearing a Speedo or a towel. One of the crew members later said he thought that there had been a screwup the day of the shoot—that only the adult extras were supposed to have been asked to appear naked, and that somehow the minor and adult extras had been mixed together. The Los Angeles County District Attorney’s Office declined to press any criminal charges; the suits—which alleged negligence, unlawful sexual harassment, invasion of privacy, and intentional infliction of emotional distress—were settled for an undisclosed sum, and all parties were bound by confidentiality agreements.

As he watched the Harvey Weinstein scandal unfold, Valdovinos thought, “Me too— only I was a kid.”

By Valdovinos’s account, his experience on the Apt Pupil set was far more upsetting. After being dropped off by his father one morning, he was directed to the locker room. Shooting was about to begin. He remembers that the locker room had been divided—a screen here and lights over there. A crew member gave him a towel and told him to disrobe completely and wrap the towel around his waist. He was 13 years old. He hadn’t yet had his first kiss.

“I’m hanging out,” Valdovinos says. “All of a sudden, Bryan comes in. He goes, ‘Hey! How are you?’ Real cheerful. And I’m like, ‘Hi.’ I can’t remember his exact words, but he was kind of just saying ‘Come back here.’ He kind of directs me; he kind of grabs me; and he takes us to the back area, which was kind of closed off. Like, this is the whole locker room”—Valdovinos gestures to suggest the space—“they’re doing their stuff over there, and I was back here, in the towel, with no shirt and no clothes on, sitting on one of the locker-room benches. Bryan’s like, ‘Just hang out here. It’s going to be all day. Don’t worry.” Singer left, and Valdovinos waited for what seemed like hours.

Eventually, he says, Singer came back and made small talk. How are you doing? Do you need anything? “Every time he had a chance—three times—he would go back there … He was always touching my chest.” Finally, according to Valdovinos, Singer reached through the towel flaps and “grabbed my genitals and started masturbating it.” The director also “rubbed his front part on me,” Valdovinos alleges. “He did it all with this smile.” Valdovinos says that Singer told him, “You’re so good-looking … I really want to work with you … I have a nice Ferrari … I’m going to take care of you.”

“I was frozen. Speechless,” Valdovinos continues. “He came back to where I was in the locker room throughout the day to molest me.” (Three sources confirmed that Singer did drive a Ferrari at the time, and we were able to verify Valdovinos’s description of how the set was arranged and of certain people he says he met there. His father told us he remembers dropping him off for the filming and thinking that perhaps his son would become an actor. Singer’s lawyer said that he could find no record of Valdovinos’s having been an extra and questioned why Valdovinos was not able to produce a pay stub or other documentation.)

CONTINUED ON WEBSITE

#u.s. news #international news #metoo #arts and entertainment #entertainment #entertainers

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bearlywatchable-blog · 5 years

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TOP 880 “SUPERHERO” MOVIES IN 2019

by Maverick B. Updated: Jan. 11, 2019

#1 - GLASS

Glass has bang or bust potential, and from all the birdies fluttering around, critics seem to think it’ll be the latter. I have unfounded high hopes for this, as it’s an interesting take on a new universe of superheroes/thrillers. Let’s coin it the Shyamalaniverse. Easy to say and spell, so that should catch on quickly.

Yes, Mr. M. Night has definitely disappointed us before (Re: The Last Airbender & Lady In The Water), he seems to be making the right moves here.

This continuation proves that Unbreakable was ahead of it’s time, and thankfully Bruce Willis hasn’t yet aged out of the character. Casting the genius of James McAvoy solidified that tertiary role as compelling and intriguing. Even if somehow the movie is a bust, Shyamalamadingdong has already qualified that by hinting the movie isn’t the movie represented in the theatrical trailers. That leads me to believe the 3 central characters, which pivotal aren’t what we will be watching for.

Enter: Casey Cooke. If that’s not a superhero secret identity name - well I guess I’m outsmarting myself. No more comments on this as theories can be just as bad as spoilers.

#2 - CAPTAIN MARVEL

Leave it to the Marvel Universe to release super fucking awesome minority character titles, right before the decade long saga blockbuster finales. Black Panther was an almost perfect Marvel movie, sadly over shadowed by the high anticipated Infinity War (Avengers 3-A). Now that they are closing out this intense storyline in Endgame (Avengers 3-B) a month after Captain Marvel is released, another minority superhero title will overshadowed by the majority of movie goers + critics. Yes, all signs point to Endgame being the film of this century, but I’m much more excited to see a female lead with such wicked awesome (MCU) power potential.

Sure - If Adam Warlock is just a diversion, Captain Marvel could play a huge role in Endgame, which would be so wonderful in my opinion. However, anyone who knows anything about the Infinity Gauntlet Saga, would be hard pressed to say that C.M. will seamlessly integrate into that storyline. This is actually why I’m more excited for Captain Marvel than Endgame. If it stands alone, it will be the foundation of the next saga of Marvel Movies (Phase 4). If it plays as a prequel to the final Avengers movie, then she will have a huge role in restoring the order of the Universe v. Thanos (Ya know, because she can time travel, among her many other super cool abilities). Both scenarios are fucking badass and exciting to me.

P.S. Brie Larson is gonna fucking kill it. You haters can go fuck yourselves.

#3 - DARK PHOENIX

//rant - Apocalypse (2016) was so bad I actually forgot it existed. Now that I have been reminded by many friends of the shit that FOX put out there- I was poised to move this down on my list. But then I went back and watched First Class (2011) & Days Of Future Past (2014), and it gave me hope again. AND THEN I watched The Last Stand (2006) again, and realized I’m obviously a masochist.

Bryan Singer is a mad man with no baseline. He, possibly, could have lucked into making one good X-Men movie on the coat tails of Matthew Vaughn, subsequently losing steam with Apocalypse. And now I’m down in the rabbit hole of the thought process; “Well Simon Kinberg wrote Days of Future Past, which was solid - and has been producing the the show Legion, which is phenomenal… and Bryan Singer is off this project so all signs point to this being more in the DOFP And First Class caliber”… meanwhile all I can do is think about Sansa Sta… I mean… Sophie Turner’s eyes and charisma… and then justify Apocalypse as a Phoenix timeline primer… which then spins me back to how bad The Last Stand was. How did that not ruin Hugh Jackman’s career? I presume Halle Berry, Kelsey Grammer, Anna Paquin, Rebecca Romijn and Famke Janssen all died in post production depression from that movie. Fucking Patrick Stewart was still knighted 4 years after that, which was probably only by the grace of Ian McKellen and sheer will & power of the Star Fleet.

*head explodes* - rant//

Okay- maybe I’m just really in love with Sophie Turner and want definitively nothing more than for her to kill it! Yeah, that sounds less psychotic. I think…

#4 - Avengers: ENDGAME

Do I really have to explain this one? If you’ve been living under a rock for a decade here you go:

Iron Man (2008) spawned a wonderful series of movies that became the Civil Wars/Infinity Gauntlet Saga. And now’s it’s almost over. So - like… go watch them all and then come back to this list. NOW!

PS. You can skip Captain America: Winter Soldier. It’s a little important to the timeline… but only if you really care to waste two hours of your life.

#5 - Shazam

If you’re not excited for this, then your inner child is dead. This movie, in the same vain as Aquaman, will be the good kind of bad. Which is the best we could hope for with this type of Comic based movie. Think more “Great American Hero” than Shazam reboot.

AND the planned release of DC’s “Captain Marvel” (what Shazam was called previously) is just a giant “fuck you” to the MCU. So you can assume they have recruited the greatest comic book nerd minds and put them in god mode for the production of this. Or they just picked up a screenwriter and director from a street corner and give them 30 million dollars in a gigantic gamble that is certainly not gonna be a disaster.

I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT, FOLKS!

#6 - Joker

Here’s how the equation works for the modern time Cinematic Jokers.

Jack Nicholson = Terrible Joker Heath Ledger = Amazing Joker Jared Leto = Amazingly Terrible Joker Joaquin Phoenix = Terribly Amazing Joker?

Ya dig?

#7 - SPAWN [Delayed?]

It’s not a hard story to tell. Boy meets devil. Devil punks boy. Boy feels punk’d so he tries to murder the Devil. Just like Ross and Rachel, it’s that whole “will they, won’t they” game, and it’s a beautiful train wreck.

You’re right, that’s really not a good synopsis of Spawn. This is a can’t miss though. Three simple words: Jamie Foxx, brah!

What I really mean is, if it ever gets made, this will be a great movie.

#8 - FAR FROM HOME

Homecoming really nailed it for me, and this Spider’s contribution to the Avengers movies was great. I have no reason to put this so far down on the list except I’m really done with the same story over and over again, and they haven’t really promised me anything fresh for this movie. That being said, as long as Tobey Maguire doesn’t breathe near this film, and Marc Webb is never allowed near a Marvel movie again, this franchise has been revived and will continue to rock!

PS. Tobey Maguire is the dumbest way to spell either of those names. I know it’s not his fault, but he really had options - especially in hollywood - to fix this a long time ago. *sigh*

#9 - #877 ANY RANDOM BULLSHIT MEDIA THAT PEOPLE PUT OUT DURING 2019

This is the unofficial sum of the movies/videos/short films/youtube rants/whatever that will be put out there for the public to view that will be better than the final 3 films on this list.

#878 - THE NEW MUTANTS

Calling it right now, it’s going fail so hard that people are going to walk out of the theater. If it doesn’t, I’ll vow to destroy the thing most precious to me. (currently that’s my Uber Eats App)

#879 - SUICIDE SQUAD 2

FUCK… THIS… SHIT… How did they get funding for another one. I blame Will Smith for letting this continue. FUCK THIS SHIT!

#880 - HELLBOY II

Why? I’m not even going to waste my time with this one either. FUCK THIS SHIT x2!

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ao3feed-gallavich · 6 years

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i’m out of touch , i’m out of love

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2MZe4XC

by honeykaspbrak

it wasn’t fine, but that’s fine. carl isn’t stupid. he knows that’s how it has to be, right? chin up, smile on the face, hug your siblings, fall apart in the shower when everyone else in the house is asleep. everyone here has too much to deal with already and no one had to tell him that.

or: a post-juvie carl gallagher character study. what if he was hiding things? he’s just a kid, after all.

Words: 1340, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Shameless (US)

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: Gen, M/M

Characters: Carl Gallagher, Ian Gallagher, Fiona Gallagher, Lip Gallagher, Debbie Gallagher, Mickey Milkovich, Mandy Milkovich

Relationships: Carl Gallagher & Ian Gallagher, Carl Gallagher & Mandy Milkovich, Ian Gallagher & Mandy Milkovich, Ian Gallagher/Mickey Milkovich

Additional Tags: carl’s juvie stint, Mental Illness, carl’s internal monologue, messy rambling basically, lonely boy :(, he needs sum love, Carl-centric, carl’s POV, Bisexual Carl Gallagher, every carl I write is bi okay, Canon Divergent, set after carl gets out of juvie but doesn’t really follow the plot/timing, Underage Drinking, Drug Use, Panic Attacks, Crying, sadness ;(, Mentions of Sex, ian and Mandy are my favorite friends, you know I had to put mands in here I miss her so much, Miscarriage, :((, poor south side kids, ANGST!!, carl is just a baby and no one remembers that, Juvie fucked him up, anxious + depressed carl, He’s got some PTSD symptoms

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2MZe4XC

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #Gallavich

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starstruckcloudgalaxy · 4 years

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I’m sure you’ll agree, dear friends, that I’m usually anything but a moaning Minnie; I’m an eternal optimist, I always try to look on the bright side, I’ve been trying to cheer you and myself up during this Coronavirus lockdown… But there are times when even the most cheerful of us start getting depressed; and yesterday’s news finally did that for me.

Our know-all Prime Minister, who nearly croaked from the virus himself not too long ago, has declared that the economy has to get going again now no matter what, so millions of people in the big cities of the UK will be forced to enter crowded buses and tube trains again every morning to get to work – honestly, dear friends, I can see a catastrophe coming.

The biggest and most crowded city here in the UK is, of course, London; and my darling husband and me have the ill luck to be trapped in it. Well, there was a time when I first came here when I was fascinated by this city – all the sights and the museums and the shops! But there comes a time when you feel you’ve seen just about everything, and then it starts getting a bit overwhelming and hostile and even threatening, and especially in the conditions we are in right now.

We haven’t been ‘to town’ at all for months, of course, because as freelancers we’re lucky enough to be able to work from home; we’ve been ‘hiding’ here in Tottenham, our own little part of London – with the pubs, the shopping centres and of course the football stadium closed; Tottenham has turned REALLY depressing…

Now I’ll tell you a secret, dear friends: shortly before this whole pandemic started, our new landlord here had threatened us with a rent raise by the end of the year to £1,000 (!!!) for our little one-bedroom flat – which would have eaten up almost our entire humble income as indexers. So, we decided we were going to move to Wales; but that’s been put on hold, of course… We’ll be sitting here staring out of the window all summer while there’ll be a new surge in Coronavirus cases and deaths thanks to our government, and we’ll neither be able to travel to Greece and see my parents and daughter (whom I last saw in January), nor of course move out of here…

Anyway – we can at least dream… I’ve told you about Wales, dear friends, when my darling Ian and me went there on our first trip together two years ago; actually, you can sum it up in one word: Paradise! Green fields, golden beaches, blue sea, dramatic cliffs, little flowers everywhere… Who wouldn’t gladly swap the grey asphalt jungle for that?

We stayed on Anglesey then, right out in the Irish Sea, and that’s also where we were going to look for a flat. Our hotel in Benllech was one of the cosiest I’d ever seen, and it had a pub restaurant where we had Guinness and cider and whisky and the most delicious lamb pie – we were just SO happy there!

We’d go down to the beach which was quite empty already in late summer, and we’d sit down in the beer garden; perfect peace and harmony, without the neverending sirens, honking, blaring car radios and rows in the street that you get in the big city…

Honestly, I never thought I’d be longing so much for the countryside one day; I grew up in a medium-sized town with a population of about 60,000, and I always wanted to go somewhere bigger – and so I did, first to Munich, then to Athens and then to London. And now, all I want is to live the rest of my life in a quiet little town in the countryside… This beautiful song by the Wolfe Tones says it all – it’s from Ireland, of course, but then Wales is so very similar to Ireland in so many ways…

youtube

Those beautiful, peaceful green fields where the famous Welsh sheep graze, those little villages with their tea shops and the friendly, welcoming people…

My darling Ian knows Wales very well, of course, his mother was Welsh, and he grew up in Chester right on the Welsh border; he’s been studying Welsh history, culture and mythology all his life. In the meantime, as a foreigner, I’ve been trying to get acclimatised as well: I’ve been learning Welsh on Duolingo, and I can proudly say I’ve already got to the future tenses and the conditional by now! So, when all this is over, I hope we’ll be able to pack our things and move – and hear the famous slogan:

Croeso I Gymru – Welcome to Wales!

Dreaming of Wales… I’m sure you’ll agree, dear friends, that I’m usually anything but a moaning Minnie; I’m an eternal optimist, I always try to look on the bright side, I’ve been trying to cheer you and myself up during this Coronavirus lockdown… But there are times when even the most cheerful of us start getting depressed; and yesterday’s news finally did that for me.

#City Life #Countryside #Depression #Home #Life storiess #Lifestyle #Lockdown #London #Photos #Psychology #Stay Home #Travel #Wales

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aspriggandrawsnear · 6 years

Photo

Had to go, 2017, made from wood, glue, nails, metal pipes, and found items, dimensions site specific. Written response under the cut:

“Wait, of course! The Arts! Beacon of the depressed and self-loathing!” --Ian Everett, Poppy O’Possum (see here)

When I first tackled this project--nay, when I first arrived at the visual arts school--I had no idea the number of “happy” accidents I would encounter on my journey. I find that this piece in particular sums up the whole experience, as well as my identity as an artist. At first glance, it looks like a giant mess--yarn, unopened clay, even an entire hacksaw. But that’s because it requires additional context, here found in the hastily scrawled note placed at the forefront of the pile:

“Had to go. Will be back later. Do not throw out sawdust or move anything.” --A.S. :)

Reading this note, one can infer a few things. For one, there’s apparently a use for sawdust aside from irritating your lungs and making the room absolute hell to clean up, and someone doesn’t like to share their space when they’re gone. More importantly, though, it implies that there was initially something more to this piece. And there was! At least two, three pages worth of notebook sketches and hours of planning, in fact. But, as anyone with eyes (or ears, if they decided to tap on the little chimes) can tell, very little of that appears here.

Because the artist (20 guesses as to who it is and the first 19 don’t count) “had to go,” but they never came back.

And so the cycle continues.

#core ii

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weasels1001albums · 5 years

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3. Joy Division - Closer (1980)

“This is the way, step inside”

For months in the middle of 1980 this album resided on my turntable, the soundtrack to dismal afternoons and empty evenings. I was at a watershed moment in my life - I’d finished an undemanding sixth year at school and was waiting to go to medical school, something I had conflicted feelings and considerable anxiety about. Ian Curtis had killed himself only a few weeks before the album was released, an event that cast an indelible stain on the music. I was, for whatever reasons, depressed myself. Death seemed a familiar presence, never that far away if that was what you decided. Lying on my single bed, smoking and probably drinking, playing this album over and over way a way of sinking deeper into angry dispair.

The tracks were so different from the gritty darkness of “Unknown Pleasures” maybe with the exception of “New Dawn Fades” on that first album. Synths washed the sound bleakly, guitars slashed brittle neon highlights, harmonising with despair. Hopelessness was turned all the way up - there really seemed no way out. Some of the tracks had appeared on a recent John Peel session

Atrocity Exhibition was a title taken from a JG Ballard book - one of my favourite authors at that time. An invitation to the nightmare. “Isolation” summed up the way I felt- cut off from other humans, my choice and not my choice. Foreboding and fate in “Passover” - “this is the crisis I knew had to come, destroying the balance I’ve kept” it was all foretold in the dark stars, there was no option of avoiding what was on its way.

Side two’s Heart and Soul with it’s driven percussive rhythms and vocals that sounded conspiratorial injected a degree of mystery into proceedings and lifted the mood a little. The louder drum beats as the track comes to an end always thrilled. The next track, Twenty Four Hours, was my favourite, the one that was often played repeatedly. From the opening minor chords to the invocation spoken rather than sung by Curtis, doomed efforts, the dying of the last sparks of hope “there’s nothing there at all”. The realisation of the need for outside therapy/ assistance “before it gets too late” is quickly dimmed by the closing tracks, the ultra-sombre “The Eternal” is a funeral procession, nothing can now be changed, nothing can be redeemed.

Listening to the record today, afternoon sun shining outside, life not anywhere as dark as it was then, the music and vocals still provide a window on that fateful summer of 1980. Try as I might it’s impossible not to slip a little into that feeling state.

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journalofsportsmedicine · 3 years

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Theory and Experiment in the Science on Human Motor Behavior | Juniper Publishers

Juniper Publishers- Journal of Physical Fitness, Medicine & Treatment in Sports

Introduction

The Experimental Bias

Let us start from the quotation from N.A. Bernstein of 1947: “The overflowing stream of new information in all the branches of natural science and, directly to its growth, the increasing differentiation of scientific and scientific-practical professions, create an increasing danger of turning their representatives into narrow specialists lacking any general horizon, blind to anything except the narrow path that they have chosen in life… it emasculates creative thinking, impoverishes their work with respect to fresh ideas and wide perspectives. Jonathan Swift, also about 200 years ago, predicted the emergence of such “Gelehrters” with blinkers on their eyes, blind, confused cranks; Swift sharply ridiculed them in his description of the Academy of Sciences on the Island of Lagado [1]”.

Typical Experimental Paper A Specific Rationale for Experimental Paper

In 1963 Bernard K. Forscher of Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minnesota, published the paper entitled “Chaos in the Brickyard” [2]. It is easily available in Internet; hence I will not describe it in detail. Its “take home message” was that we observe the excessive bias towards experimental research while compared with theoretical works. Such a phenomenon slows down the real progress in science yet does not impair the feeling that producers of “new, original, experimental data” are “genuine” scientists. Symptomatically enough, the paper has been written more than half a century ago…

Guy Sorman interviewed Karl R. Popper, who stated: “universities, completely foolishly, have fragmented the knowledge into different, specialized branches; each of them, without any necessity, has been closed into its own ritual and terminology [3]”.

Richard Schmidt and Timothy Lee, while commenting the achievements of Edwin A. Fleischman, wrote: “Fleishman’s work leaves a legacy for future efforts on solving problems of prediction” [4]. What seems worth emphasizing: not “for solving problems”, but “for future efforts on solving problems”.

While comparing with these quotations, the following statement by Gerd Gigerenzer sounds rather ominously: “Some years ago I spent a day and a night in a magnificent library reading through issues of the “Journal of Experimental Psychology” from the 1920s and 1930s… What depressed me was that nearly all of this meticulous work has been forgotten. Most of it involved collecting data without substantive theory. Data without theory is like a baby without a parent: Its life expectancy is low. Are these the kind of babies we want to produce?” [5].

The “limited applicability” (it is for sure understatement) of rough or merely slightly statistically processed “new, original, experimental data” may originate in the phenomenon which Peter Medawar described with the words: “theory destroys facts” [6]. Moreover, only the theories make the science, and not the facts themselves. They may only serve as shapeless ashes, fertilizing the ground on which the theories grow.

However, the “intellectual environment” of the contemporary science is being characterized by two important factors:

I. Easiness of data collecting, especially while using modern technological devices; then quotation of “learned” references and simple statistical processing endows the whole with some “scientificity”.

II. Naïve belief that the quantity of data will “by itself” transform into science quality.

As the “intellectual daughter” of the latter might be regarded the “big data” technique. Cathy O’Neil has shown how dangerous or even disastrous might be thoughtless application of simplified–or even primitive, while compared with the complexity of reality–mathematical algorithms in the regions, where they are hardly useful or not applicable at all. She has even coined the ominously sounding term “weapon of math destruction” [7]. However, the mathematical equations work “by themselves”; hence, they release scientist from thinking. In addition, already in 18th century Joshua Reynolds remarked. “There is no expedient to which a man will not resort to avoid the real labor of thinking”.

This is why Jack Cohen and Ian Stewart argue that “At least 999 out of a thousand scientific papers are about complex details, but the one that we treasure and for which we award a Nobel Prize is the one that reveals a new simplicity” [8]. Still further went Paul Feyerabend, who argued that the society should be protected against science-apparently dignified, with nearly liturgical rituals, but in fact often worthless [9].

To sum up, one might state that the experimental results belong to reality, whereas science resides in the sphere of abstraction. There is no one-to-one relation between them. The gap between worlds of things, phenomena and processes on the one side, and words, statements and theories on the other, has to be bridged by reasoning and concluding, which by no means is clear and unambiguous. Nevertheless, it makes one and only way to science creation. Especially in disciplines, which nearly completely rely on reasoning and concluding, and to very limited extent on experimental data. Like, e.g., the science on human motor behavior.

Let us take as an example a properly elaborated, precisely written, peer-reviewed, solid experimental paper. In 2018 Satoshi Unenaka, Sachi Ikudome, Shiro Mori and Hiroki Nakamoto published in “Frontiers in Psychology” the article entitled “Concurrent Imitative Movement During Action Observation Facilitates Accuracy of Outcome Prediction in Less Skilled Performers” [10]. It bases on results of researches into outcome prediction in two basketball players groups: skilled and less-skilled one. In abstract, they wrote: “The results showed that skilled group had degraded accuracy of outcome prediction in the self-motion condition compared to the observation condition. In contrast, accuracy in the less-skilled group was facilitated in the imitative-motion condition compared to the observation condition”.

In fact, the authors presented the results of their experiments, supported by observations of other scientists (references). They associate, in some places of the paper, their results with the different theoretical findings of other scientists and have processed their results statistically. However, the statistics may make an image of reality sharper, indeed, but it is not able to explain “by itself”, what namely is being presented on the image. In this respect, instructively sounds the following, slightly malicious, reflection of unknown author. “Statistical Analysis: Mysterious, sometimes bizarre, manipulations performed upon the collected data of an experiment in order to obscure the fact that the results have no generalizable meaning for humanity. Commonly, computers are used, lending an additional aura of unreality to the proceedings”.

More detailed, and very instructively, the potentialities and limitations of statistics–and even some “dictatorship” of this discipline in modern science – have been described by Garland O. Ashley [11]. He argued, “The statistical method has become used in altogether too many inappropriate and wholly inapplicable places in our professional life.”

Hence, statistics is a discipline of science for statisticians, but only one of many tools for non-statisticians. It does not build a science “by itself”. Here inevitable is an interpretation (by definition – subjective) and creation of a hypothesis. Unfortunately, Unenaka and his colleagues do not invent any coherent, conceptual rationale for their findings. Let us try to invent a specific rationale. To deserve the noble title “scientific”, it has to be prone to critics and modifications.

At first, let us categorize the “self–motion” as a motor operation controlled with the feedforward mode, and the “imitative-motion”-as a motor operation controlled with the feedback mode. The latter is by far more time-consuming and “intellectually expensive” [12]. However–not without reason–the feedback control mode is being regarded as one of the greatest achievements of evolution. Because it enables learning and perfecting the operations (also motor ones) under consideration. Nevertheless, the final aim of the feedback control mode is… elimination of the feedback loop. One might say that its mission is in fact suicidal. Hence, a skilled performer uses swifter and “intellectually cheaper” feedforward control mode. S/he does not need any extrinsic cue, and-to protect the “intellectual cheapness”-s/he blocks and rejects such cues.

By the way: Already in 18th century historian, Edward Gibbon remarked (very aptly) “the power of instruction is seldom of much efficacy, except in those happy dispositions where it is almost superfluous [13]”.

While analyzing control modes of a motor operation, one might build a specific “control space”. On its one border, we have the “hit-or-miss” method, typical for novices. It relies fully on feedback control; hence, it uses the extrinsic cues. Therefore, it is fully opened to learning process. On the other border of such a space, we have routine, which relies fully on feedforward control mode and ignores any extrinsic cue. Consequently, it is tightly closed to learning process.

In this respect, telling might be such a comparison. My driver’s license is by far older than, e.g., that of Lewis Hamilton. However, he is no doubt much better driver than I am. Because I have attained some level of experience long ago and it is enough for me. It has already transformed, to great extent, into routine. I have only to learn, what mean the warning lights and indicators on the dashboard of my car, which did not exist in 1960s, when I have got my driver’s license–long before Hamilton was born. However, to protect his title of champion, Hamilton has incessantly apply the TTL–i.e., “testing the limits”–technique. He has to be open to incessant improvement of his driver’s competence. In other words, while driving a car I can use the “intellectually cheap” feedforward control, whereas Hamilton is forced to apply the “intellectually expensive” feedback control mode.

The other problem is that the “imitative–motion”, as by Unenaka and his colleagues, needs visual information processing, whereas the technique of free shot in basketball bases on contact stimuli (player’s hand – ball), which cannot be observed from outside. However, a detailed analysis of this problem would need another theoretical paper. To great extent, it has been described in [12].

One more remark. Richard Schmidt wrote: “Since laws are the product of human creativity, different laws can be formulated by two different individuals who are examining the same observations. Laws do not automatically spring forth from the facts [14]”.

Thus, “new, original, empirical data” evoke no doubts, whereas the theory is always ambiguous. Nevertheless, the Science (with great “S”) consists of theories.

Symptomatic are the following statements of Uneneka et al., “In contrast, although learners accumulate knowledge about kinematic-outcome associations during perceptual training via perceptual experience, several recent studies have indicated the importance of motor experience for enhancing prediction abilities of athletes… Furthermore, recent evidence suggests that perceptual and motor experience develop different prediction mechanisms namely visual- and motorbased prediction, respectively. Motor experience more greatly improves prediction abilities based on kinematic cues than does perceptual experience such as observation of other’s action”.

Such a relation between visual and haptic aspects of a motor operation is coherent with the system-theoretical perspective of motor control in humans (1; 12; 15; 16; 17). Accordingly, such aspects are not separated from each other, but they form a single, coherent-yet not homogenous-system. In other words, it is possible to invent a system-theoretical, scientific model which will account for such phenomena. Already in 1852, William B. Carpenter postulated close connection between mental and motor aspects of movements in living beings, sometimes even independent of current physical stimuli [18]. This phenomenon makes a basis for mind-to-muscle and muscle-to-mind techniques [19].

The reductionist analysis of such an aspect cannot explain the mechanism of human motor behavior. Because it “kills” probably the most elusive – and powerful as well – product of a system: the unpredictable, qualitatively new, emergent system effect. While seen from system-theoretical perspective, the science on human motor behavior consists mainly of system effects. This is why in this discipline mathematics seems to be hardly applicable.

Conclusion

The presented paper may be regarded as a comment to only several, arbitrarily chosen aspects of the typical, proper, solid experimental work by Unenaka and his colleagues. In conclusion, the authors of this paper wrote: “Further studies are needed to clarify the mechanism of enhancement in prediction through concurrent imitation because it is unclear from the results whether the less-skilled participants were actually using a type of motor-based simulation process”.

Instead of a long exegetical analysis of this statement, let us remember the following anecdote about Albert Einstein: “During his stay in Zurich, the woman doctor, Paulette Brubacher, asked the whereabouts of his [Einstein’s] laboratory. With a smile, he took a fountain pen out of his breast pocket and said: “here” [20]”.

It seems more and more evident that in the science on human motor behavior we need like an oxygen the Einstein’s fountain pen rather, and not new, original, experimental data.

Last (but not least) remark. Contemporary science is not a noble searching for objective truth, but simply business. Here applies the rule “publish or perish”. However, to publish a paper, an author has to pay a publication fee. As a result, nowadays the “scientific strays” like, e.g., the young assistant examiner, III level, in the Federal Office for Intellectual Property in Bern, Switzerland, named Albert Einstein -with no financial support from any institution, have no chances to make their ideas known to wide auditory. No matter, how valuable such ideas might be.

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#Motor Science #Experimental Research #Theoretical Considerations

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