#to the point where i cant even think of a number where id want to take design commissions

[gibbearish]

a weird little thing abt me is i will definitely mock shitty ai art but it never feels right doing it about the hands simply by virtue of the fact that a lot of them look indistinguishable from the hands i was doing years ago when i first got a drawing tablet

[memorycycle]

post for @wuggen asked to see the code i wrote for simulating a realistic car engine so here

its built in godot btw

the script extends rigidbody3d cus im actually just moving an invisible sphere along the ground with a car basically stapled to it

did you know car engines put out different levels of torque at different rpms which affects like basically everything about the car. the torque curves are actually way more complicated than this, they kind of look like ramps with a hump in the middle followed by a dip followed by a bigger hump. but im just doing something that looks more like a perfect mound here. it works fine

i found the equation power=torque*rpm/9549.3 online from a forum where some guy posted the results of a dyno run on his porsche. the number 9549.3 is definitely specific to that porsche, so its probably a variable id want to be able to change later i guess

theres 2 big scary chunks of code here written by someone else which youre looking at in the pic above. i dont know shit about rotating and transforming 3d shapes so yea thanks guy on youtube

^this is basic shit but let me say one thing having the layout of accelerating with up on the right stick and braking with down on the right stick makes racing games so much more intuitive to play because suddenly it all just becomes one button that like the player understands in their mind as just "movement" and say for example when the player is coming up on a turn and they point both the steering and throttle joystick towards the turn whats happening is that they steer towards the turn of course but also they decelerate because the right stick is no longer pointed fully up in the Y direction, its Y value is now something like 0.7 instead of 1.0 because of the angle the stick is pointed in, that extra 0.3 went to the X direction , meaning the player automatically decelerates the car based on the angle of the turn without even having to think about it. if the turn starts to become more hairpin the angle is so great that the Y starts becoming negative and now braking is happening instead of acceleration automatically. its actually beautiful how simple and effective it is

^heres my cool function that does basically everyuthing related to the rpm. different gears rise and fall at different rpm speeds and it even simulates the effect of engine braking caused by releasing the throttle when shifting gears. it has so many fucking magic numbers from me just fiddling with it for like years trying to get the acceleration and shit to feel just right

^this ones mad complicated i commented every line

awesome gear shifting stuff its so fucking yummy because if u look closely in the video at the top u will notice i never use the brake to slow down. i downshift gears which causes causes the car to lose speed because the power it was giving out is less efficient now due to the lower gear ratio which also means the rpm jumps up to redline speeds which lets me instantly shift back up to retain some acceleration i cant tell u how satisfying it is to drive this thing and it feels like a real car

^and thats it thats the last function. 212 lines of code honestly pretty small tbh. theres still stuff missing like for example when a car is turning the rpm starts increasing at a slower rate due to things like centripetal force traction rolling resistance weight transfer weight load engine load steering angle friction but im probably just gonna end up calculating it only based on velocity * steering angle or something lol. if anyone made it this far i contratutle you i dont think anyone who isnt as obsessed as i am with this stuff could ever read this whole thing so thank u

[maukiki1-but-cringefail]

i swear to fucking god im not a hater but if i see another fucking badly-made thumbnail boring neurotypical straight guy with lame monotone voice talking over buncha mfb clips video of the worst metal fight beyblade takes ive ever seen with the unfunniest jokes im gonna rearrange the DNA sequence of the closest person to me to that of a Doto greenamyeri nudibranch because i swear to god just shut the fuck up.

how the fuck do you meatheads base how much you like a character over powerscaling and win ratio. would you prefer a wild bear over your own mother because the bear is stronger than her? thats how you fuckin sound like. i gotta rant this shit out because i had enough if i hear another fucking "ryūga da goat🥶🐐" "beyblade really is that serious🤣" "This show is so acoustic😵" "did you know that moses split the sea with a be-" WE FUCKING KNOW THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS AT THIS POINT. ALSO IF YOU DEADASS USE AUTISM AS AN INSULT LET ALONE USE THE WORD ACOUSTIC OR ARTISTIC FOR IT STAY 7 KILOMETERS AWAY FROM ME AND ALSO DONT WATCH METAL FIGHT BEYBLADE EVERYONE IS GAY AND AUTISTIC YOU KNOW WHY⁉️ which cishet neurotypical out there makin spinning tops fight with neon green or blue whateverthefuck hair half the cast looks like they been hiding in closet before their debut episode.

PRIME example of these bad takes is , because of powerscaling again the hate on masamune ? i thought people hated him because they thought he was annoying (like how i did when i first watched it when i was little) (FOUR YRS OLD) and like id get that as in he talks alot or whatever but people hate him because. fucking. "he has a low win ratio and claims to be the number one blader" BITCH THATS A 15 YR OLD. or like around that age somewhere you get the point. so what if the taco doritos colour palette guy a little confident in himself bitch you hate fun you hate sillyness. people also use him as like a tool to praise kenta? constantly i see takes like "kenta is like masamune if masamune didnt suck" or something as in they both try to rise to the top and get stronger but one of them doesnt talk shit like did you know you can praise a character without putting down the other one motherfucker. another one is "masamune isnt a legendary blader because he talks shit but cant actually back it up" Hey my brother in Allah lets play a little game. which one of the fucking legendary bladers talks big about himself. you have ten seconds. 10...9...8....KING. KING IS RIGHT THERE .

also saw someone say damian shouldve been a legendary blader⁉️⁉️mf that boy was on rearrangement stereoids the effects of that wouldve already worn off by the time of metal fury how does that even WORKK😭😭 he was probably off with 3 big fucking pet dogs to eat custard pudding or sumn idk .Ryūga dickriding has been a thing for for ever but right now for some reason people decided they didnt talk about that guy enough. theres so many videos on him guys there are other characters to talk about i can write a three billion word essay on damian but i dont think i can say anything about ryūga that hasnt been said at this point. also the people who claim hes alive BECAUSE hes alive in the manga is crazy like yall cant see those as two different universes? im not saying wether if i think hes alive or not this isnt about that dont miss the point. i wanted to make text posts about mfb for forever but i was embarrased for god knows why so i just posted my mfb fanart on my main but i cant take it anymore (eatina burger with no honey mustard) must speak this time im afraid

also sorry if this is hard to read im not good at ending sentences where i should punctuation jumpscare. powerscaling mfs will hear u say u like a character like for example tsubasa or sumn and immediately bring up ryūga like shut the fuck up this shit happened on twitter i dont even use twitter i opened the app for 000.1 seconds. you just jelaous ryūga will never serve like did mf also im not a ryūga hater anyways i reached the character limit fuck

[necrophiliak]

umm. bhaal thoughts nd stuff under the cut. ive seen a lot of stuff mischaracterising/interpreting/whatever and it bothers me. i like him.

bg1+2+3 spoilers btw.

i dont wanna seem uhhh. confrontational or anything so this is just me airing thoughts out cz its true u dont rly Hear from him much directly in bg3 so i guess i get why ppl wouldnt know or think certain stuff. and im not the worlds expert on the topic as much as id like to be. but writing gods in stuff is never easy i think, especially as a fan, since they function on totally different ideas and have worldviews we could never possibly understand, etc etc

i think what bothers me the most is the misconception that bhaal would give a shit what the urge does. he definitely doesnt. the canon bg1+2 is a human male goodguy (derogatory) and even he was still supposedly favoured by bhaal (in that achieving slayer form was from a feeling of 'divine hatred' and not an actual gift since bhaal at the time was dead and he was favoured not for this but in that he was the strongest of all his spawn (this is bg2 stuff btw i highly recommend u play both those games if u liked bg3 durge)) i actually miss how bg2 introduced that form its way better than in 3 but thats a big tangent ToT and i get why since the durge was quite literally made with it in mind anyway he didnt care about the prev spawn because their only purpose was to die anyway. but he doesnt care abt what durge does either. he would not care if he was fucking gortash. the one constant w him is that all he cares about is the end goals, the process doesnt matter at all. i cant be bothered putting screenshots in rn but both the durge's old diary and sarevok say "bhaal cares only for death. death in numbers, death in droves." and the ingame proof is in that even if u refuse to kill isobel u can still get the slayer form by agreeing to accept his gift in the temple. whether u killed isobel or not just determines if u get slayer form early. the other proof is orin, who doesnt follow him as he would ideally want either (too focused on making 'art' with death instead of actually killing) but still gets to be his chosen if u play as tav instead of durge (he also doesnt like the way shes loyal to sarevok more than him) hes pretty pragmatic

also the other thing... abt the butlers. sceleritas isnt there to ensure u are loyal, thats his own prerogative and pride as a butler. tho i think the specifics of him in general are left intentionally vague. the rest of bhaals butlers are always imps, and his own was also an imp (theyre made in his imps image after all), bt sceleritas is made in bhaals image. since he has a glued on nose and the colouring on his face looks like a skull. and the earrings are mirroring the slayers facial horns. thats a bit of a tangent tho umm anyway, my point is that durge got a very special butler for reasons we can only guess at. (tho i enjoy thinking that he really was meant more as a nanny/standin parent figure)

anyway that got sort of long. i love dad a lot. everyones durge can be different frm canon obviously... bt bhaal is an established char, nd a super interesting one (i have a lot of thoughts abt the similarities w mystra+shar especially cz of bg3 and the way sheart+gale narrative's play out bt again thats uhhhhh a HUGE tangent and im not even sure how to word my thoughts)

anyway tldr bhaal is a very hands off parent and doesnt give a shit what u do as long as u get the job done (and i love him very much 🥺)

oh also if u math the years out, durge is 20yrs old at max. and that takes the assumption that bhaal made u ASAP after he was resurrected. trivia. if u wanna read the thing wheree he gets rezzed, its the 'murder at baldurs gate' story which also comes with a rly intensive worldbuilding manual for the city which could help w fanfic or whatever u want. i enjoyed reading it (helping w dnd stuff T_T).

another edit: i doubt anyone except me is rly interested bt i have soooo much to say on the topic of how bhaal treats the urge (positively+unconditionally), sceleritas in general, and the way the urges journey mirrors bhaals own fall from grace and coming back stronger, etc etc, i already wrote half of it on twitter anyway so if theres interest i can share it here too

[sweepseven]

Hi! you responded to my circus post like. forever ago and i realized i had a question that a circus person might know. (sorry in advance that this is long) (also that things are a bit vague bc im trying to explain everything with as little doxxing as possible) (if this is overwhelming or whatever you are not required to read it. just say like "sorry i cant deal with this" and ill be fine)

a little bit of backstory (because idk how else to explain) is that both writing and circus are very prominent parts of my life and for the past like. six months (maybe even year) the idea of a play (because i have written some 10 minute plays) that incorporates circus as a part of the formatting has been rotating in my mind.

I saw a production recently (ish) with my school that was a play, but really it was a musical that incorporated an aerial window and aerial ladders as both set-pieces and aparatuses. they used them as windows and ladders, but at a certain point in the play, when one character was describing something that had happened, there were aerialists performing on the aparatuses. i talked to my teacher afterwards and she also thought i should write a play that incorporates circus. and i dont mean as a plot point (like they go to the circus) but as a way of telling the story.

i also saw an opera recently in which the songs were the same, and the plot was essentially the same as when it was written (several centuries ago), but the setting and costumes were all more modern. someone would sing an aria and then draw three squiggly lines on the wall that, at the third line, became clear it was the body of a naked woman. another where i swear it was a legit clown skit (he climbed up the stairs. flumped down and gave up, then slid down fully flat on his back, climbed up again, slid off sideways, then crawled up, all while operatically singing (used clown rule of three etc)also it was very exciting when he spun a hat on a cane like plate spinning cuz id just learned how to do that a week before). it made me think of just the contrast between a formal format (like a play or opera) and modern, comedic, and otherwise circus-y flares.

ANYWAYS. the main question arose with a convo i had with my dad the other day about this same thing (we've taken to asking each other if we've been thinking abt anything interesting lately) and he knew someone who was in the circus. he asked if there was a structure of the circus (like the three act structure of stories) and the guy said yes absolutely. it was something like starting with the least amount of people each act and then ending with the most. however, i think there was more to it and i wanted to find out to see if i could work with that. unfortunately my dad hasnt spoken to this guy in years and doesn't want to ask again.

so the question: whats the structure of a circus performance?

Hi! Sounds like you get some really cool shows in your area!

Some shows vaguely follow the structure your dad's friend outlined, but I think he's speaking in the loosest possible terms. Yes, the finale act of a show is usually the biggest and grandest, both in terms of spectacle and the number of people involved. But many also open with an extra energetic first act to welcome the audience to the show and set the expectation for what's to follow (think Kooza charivari, Kurios Chaos Synchro, Echo cube suspension). You also see lots of acts opening with solos or duets (Mystere aerial straps, Quidam German or cyr wheel, Amaluna unicycles, etc.). It's definitely not a hard and fast rule, but it can be an element in deciding how a show is paced.

I'd say the most successful base structure is one that balances a natural narrative flow, human attention span, and rigging needs. I use "narrative" here very loosely, because a story isn't a guarantee in a circus, but like a story you don't want to go from nothing nothing nothing to ACTION ACTION ACTION and then suddenly it's all over. It's unnatural, unpredictable, and disengages the audience, and circus is trying to do the opposite. Similarly you don't want people to have to crane their necks for four aerial acts in a row - eventually they're all gonna look the same and people will feel bored. Acts that demand more complex rigging need to go at a point in the show where they can be gracefully set up and taken down without disrupting other things taking place. All these factors may change if your show has an intermission - if it does, you want a kind of "mini" flow that keeps people excited about coming back for the second half.

Alegria IANL is a good example. It starts with a bold opening number with lots of participants, which makes sense because it's a show about revolution. Then we slow it down to a solo act followed by a duet. Fire knife dance is a solo too, but it really ramps the energy back up. The first half closes with Snowstorm, which is a huge spectacle and makes us excited about what they're gonna do with all these tiny paper snowflakes in the second half.

Then you come back from intermission and discover the answer is: see the most gorgeous romantic aerial straps act of your life (a duet). More peaks and valleys follow in alternating smaller and larger acts, all of them on the ground, and all of them with distinctly varying paces. Then close with flying trapeze, which pulls the focus upward, has the most complex rigging in the show, and uses a net they can get away with leaving up for the finale. Tada! A tight, engaging, well-balanced show.

[canneddolts]

hello

i need to talk abt my stupid playlist

ignore that its youtube i dont like spotify. its songs that remind me of the half lifers so not really a character playlist but i have Reasons that id like to expadn on (under the cut its so long)

goinog from bottom to top oldest to newest (ill probably edit this later on..muhahaha) (PS every barney here is blue shift exclusive idk a thing abt hl2 guy...)

more than a feeling: i found my first ever boston song on guitar hero arcade and i feel like gordon would be rly into guitar hero. this is repeated many times. also it j reminds me of them

dont you forget abt me: ok im starting to kinda hate this song but it was the original them song too......i forgot why (it was also in one of my gmods i think)

take a chance on me: i posted this stupid barney image to this song & it stuck so much also PLEASE banrey JUST ONE CHANCE GIVE M

ok next 3 (true & the sun always shines on tv & i want to know what love is) theyre all just them songs too.....i posted them to those songs too when i was Just Getting Into Halflifing and idk

OH ALSO ALSO the sun shines on tv reminds me of the truman show & i saw a lot of parallels btwn him and gordons whole Thing so therefore. gordon song. ALSO I LOVE THIS MOVIE SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UUUGHGHHHHH its so pretty and so good and such a good story and AARGH

mud on the tires: dont look at m

italian medley: I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!????!?

cant fight this feeling: i heard it on the radio during driving lessons while i was at the Point where everything reminded me of barney. so..i could do some deep analysis (same w half this playlist but i feel silly doing so)

bulls on parade: bwaowo ptch waowao THE MICROPHONE EXPLODE (i had a video idea w gordon) (ALSO another guitar hero song for mr freeman)

owner of a lonely heart: they are losers

call me: guh. i like this song

ogrodu serce: again.....i heard it on the radio in my barney stage. i also hc'd him with a super thick southern polish accent for a while (?) i was gonna put oczy zielone bc Ha! Gordon freeman green eyes but i dont like that song

007 WOAH why were the numbers so big??!!!: i really haveno idea....something something security guard

somebodys watching me: THAT ONE FUCKING HALF LIFE FANART ILL REBLOG IT AGAINAGAINAGAINAGAIN AFTER THIS POST I LOVE IT SO BAD!!!!!!! its so good and so ppgpfhddbdhbbhjbhjbhjvbhjdbhjbhj AAAAGH i like thsi song too but its always gonna remind me of mr freeman

unwritten: dude Idk. barney though

arthur intro idk: the video w gman singing it to alyx....so real so true idk much abt her but im getting hl2 from the library soon MUUAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA (this is one of the half life specific songs)

just the way you are: hey you guys remember the video of barney;s va as the gecko singing dont goooo changinnnah. its also a gordon song bc it was in my gordon stasis gmod vid

the picard video: barney has a star wars voiceline ("Have you seen the new IG-88?" (the droid)) and i think hed like sci fi in general....idk anything abt either franchises though spare me

out of touch: i had a vision of them luckystar dancing to this song while eating cereal

lay all your love on me: i like this song & barney is very abba fan to me

even the nights are better: again again...i heard it on the radio

waiting for tonight: this video of the american idol gba game was stuck in my head for days & i feel like barney would be a bad singer. his voice acter is super good at singing cough go to mike shapiro soundcloud NOW cough so i think the opposite would be funny

escape (the pina colada song): barney.. if you like pina coladaaas

baby come back: uuurrggggh gordon freeman 20 year stasis uuurrrr

cheri cheri lady: another gman singing this video also i like this song!!!!!

the sign: real

[rush-the-stars]

i very distantly remember you asking for Idiosyncratic Ship-names for Trigun (not in those words, but thats what TV Tropes calls them. the ships where theyre labeled after words, instead of blending their names together (which the name-blending kind of ship-names TV Tropes says is called Portmanteau Ship-names)). im PRETTY SURE that Ask came from you but i cant find the Ask anymore, but, again, im?? pretty sure???? it was you?

anyway, if i recall correctly, you wanted an idea for Meryl × Vash × Wolfwood ship-name (that was idiosyncratic; as opposed to the Mashwood ship-name that is Portmanteau), and ive been wrestling with sharing mine for a while bc its a ship-name ive been using for my un-posted OC × those three, but it can be repurposed for your needs too. i should add that, for poly ships, i personally like to incorporate the number of people involved in the name. but the number 3 (as opposed to the original: 4) works in the ship-name i have. you can also ditch the number, if you want, im not your boss. or you can ditch this whole ship-name if you dont like it

but for Meryl × Vash × Wolfwood (× my OC) ive been using (DE4LOWERED) D3FLOWERED, or i guess just DEFLOWERED if you prefer no numbers

i guess you could keep the original number if you wanted to use Reader inside it tho

but yeah. that Ask has been on my brain for months now, re-popping up as i go "nah" and re-popping up again until i decided i could at least share what ive been using in private. again, you certainly dont have to use it. im not even wholly sure it was you since i cant find the Ask (but tumblr's search feature has always been garbage so im unsurprised i cannot find it)

if you were curious about some of my other idiosyncratic ship names for Trigun (to use or not use, im good either way) (tho, please note i dont use numbers for two-person ship names. so taking a triad (with my OC) into a duo (no OC) will not have a number like the above example of a quartet to trio does. you can feel free to incorporate Reader or your own OC to give the ship its triad-poly status again, i dont mind. regardless, im babbling)

My OC × Vashwood : BULL3T BOUQUET, or BULLET BOUQUET

My OC × Knives × Wolfwood: RINGING B3LL-FLOWER, or RINGING BELL-FLOWER (it's a pun on the media property, Ringing Bell, most famous for its 1978 movie by the same name)

i have a ship-name for every combo, but the duo ones (of OC × Canon) i dont feel like sharing at this moment because half the ship *is* my OC lol but my plot-notes feature my OC having a rose motif very often (for reasons that have plot relevance about her interests, i swear lol), which i leaned into heavily for the idiosyncratic ship-names overall theme since Trigun has that whole Plant element and whatnot anyway lmao rip (subtly is dead) but i hope (ASSUMING I AM REMEMBERING ACCURATELY THAT IT WAS YOU WHO ASKED FOR THIS LOL) this satiated your months-ago craving for Trigun Idiosyncratic Ship-names?? yeah. ill go excuse my multi-shipper ass now, have a lovely day lmao rip

-- Demx's 💗 Anon, or Heartfelt Anon, from way back (you dont gotta reserve the emoji for me here; id be shocked if you did, i just wanted to confirm i was me this time before someone potentially recognized me.. again lol)

first i want to say i am sorry for getting back to this so late! i have been very busy recently!!

it absolutely was me who was looking for idiosyncratic ship names!! i was from the age of fandom (or maybe the particular fandom??) that had quite a lot of them! specifically young justice in the mid 2010s? we had spitfire, museum heist, chalant, i think red cat? we had a ton! and i feel like i saw it in other fandoms for a bit too but it slowly died off!

i just loved how clever they were! i think i also remember at one point people also were rather poetic about ot3 names? i think i remember someone who used to tag their rey, finn, and poe ot3 content with “ot3: mosaics are just broken pieces” and that stuck with me too.

but i LOVE that you’ve shared your own poly ship names with your OC and so generously offered them up for what we know as mashwood right now!! i love the inclusion of the number too!! i feel like back in the day, id tag it like this “ot3: d3flowered” WHICH IS FUN!

i tried thinking of one for them along the same lines of the “museum heist” ot3 which was robin x wally x artemis from young justice…..which if you shortened their names would get robwallart…which then became museum heist! because of the play on the words their name formed, which looked and sounded like “robbing wall art”

so i was kinda trying to play with mashwood like that because their names together currently invoke like….a forest? marshy forest? couldn’t figure out something i liked but i did like the forest imagery, since their planet no longer has them and in ways, they represent a beacon of hope for the planet.

d3flowered is lovely though!!

also obsessed with your oc and other ship names too….thats SO fun. ringing bell-flower is really evocative. i love the thought you’ve put into this.

makes me want to come up with ship names for my reader ocs and these characters…..i feel like with wolfwood i at least have this reoccurring “hellcat” reader….

i do have one more closely tied to nai too…i so badly want to find the time to finish that fic.

but anyways thank you so much for all of this 💗 anon!!! it’s given me much to think about and honestly is so creative and fun!

i hope you’re doing well!! again, sorry for the late response to this!!

[shadyhouse]

i have to go off of hrt for the first time in three years because i ran out of syringes and i dont have insurance anymore so im going to have to order bulk online but its going to cost $100+ for everything i need. which i dont have because i live paycheck to paycheck. i literally got paid TODAY and it was one of the biggest paychecks ive seen since ive started this job and it immediately had to go to bills.

i cant switch jobs either because i dont have transportation and it's my best option for keeping myself afloat. i cant ask for a raise because it's a retail big box store. like they might give me 10 extra cents to pity me if i don't start a fight about it but it'll never get better than that. every time i look on indeed or whatever it's all stuff thats a 20+ minute drive completely off the bus route like ????

im extremely unmedicated too (not including the hrt lol) so that just makes everything harder to the extreme. im ready to give up. like what else is there for me. there's nothing left. im at the point where i keep thinking i mind as well just move back in with my dad and rot in my old bedroom because im losing faith in myself that i'll be able to get out of this hole. the absolute last thing i ever want to do btw. but if things keep getting worse i dont know if i'll have a choice. and im really really really dreading that outcome. i need to fix my life asap but the system is making it INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT to even plan it out.

if anyone knows how to build a budget id really appreciate some help because i have dyscalculia and it sucks to be talked down to about my inability to comprehend numbers, but im really not THAT bad with my finances its just that i made some bad decisions when i had a higher paying job and i'm having trouble pulling myself out of the hole. i can follow a budget if i have one set but i've been really struggling with making it myself. idk. im mad at myself okay im just really upset and i want to fix my life.

this turned into a rambling rant but im in a really bad mood rn and i needed to just. unload. its either this or ugly cry for an hour

[luxeberries]

dustin is genuinely such a good, sweet person and i feel like its often overshadowed by his bitchy nature (which i love sm) and i just...i think about him and dart so much because of what he says to mike in defense of himself: 'we have a bond because he trusts me' and he even goes as far as to say 'just because hes from the upside down doesn't mean hes evil' which is like. the only time anyone has ever voiced that thought in 4 seasons - that the upside down and the creatures that live there might not be innately evil. (and i could make an entire other post about how dart proves that the upside down isnt inherently evil but thats for another time- ) and its because dart is his friend, which the show established in s3--

dustin has certain issues with his own friends drifting from him and theres that bike scene with mike in season 1 where he's just okay with the fact that lucas and mike are best friends and dustin is, like, lesser because he was the last to join and lives further away (which, as mike says, he isnt lesser). but hes just okay with that. until s3 where they all blow him off after hes been away for months and he feels neglected! hes upset! he complains about it to steve!

so dart is, like, this little helpless, harmless, mysterious critter he found eating junk in his trash. and i might be going off base but id argue that not only does dustin consider dart a friend, but also he sees himself in dart. they both like nougat, for one, and dustin is established to be a food-lover (which i fucking adore), and dart is toothless, like him.

not only does being toothless make dart (appear) harmless (and so very cute, so adorable), but it makes him like dustin. in s1 dustin was missing his front teeth (i dont actually know the deal with gaten's teeth in s2+3 but anyway) and was mocked for it, even named 'toothless' by his bullies.

i think its definitely arguable that dustin defended dart even when the evidence pointed towards something sinister because he was a kid and he thought dart was his friend and he felt betrayed and was in denial that he was wrong about his new friend, but i also think dustin just. sees the best in people. he saw the good in dart and even when dart is full demodog, dustin still trusts dart enough that he allows his friends to walk past him while he distracts dart with nougat. he knows that bond is still there, he knows that dart still trusts him.

dustin sees the best in people, he sees the best in dart, he sees the best in eddie and yeah im gonna compare his bond with dart to his bond with eddie now. both were said to be evil, both were cared for deeply by dustin, who hid them away from those who said they were evil. dustin is adamant to both max and steve that eddie isnt bad, eddie is a good person, his first reaction to 'eddie is suspect number one' is 'thats crazy. there is no way' and his first reaction to 'dart is from the upside down' is 'that doesnt mean he's bad', i jsut. fuck.

he saw the good in steve too. like yeah sure at first he just needs steve's protection, but he is the first of the kids to cheer steve on and call him awesome and when he needs help in s3 he goes to steve again over his own friends, and in s4 he 'insisted' that steve was a badass to eddie, who has only ever known steve as king of hawkins high, because he wanted eddie to know how cool and good steve is now and was probably even offended when eddie inevitably laughed in his face about it.

dustin wears his heart on his sleeve and just. in general is such a good kid. all he wants is for his friends to be safe and happy, he doesn't like to argue with his friends - when lucas and him get in a spat about dart and max, dustin tries to stop the argument by saying 'we both broke the rule of law, we're even' - hes the first to apologise to max when mike excludes her from the party meeting, he's so gentle with eddie in the boathouse, realising eddie cant handle touch and keeping his voice calm and quiet as he delicately explained the truth of hawkins.

UGH i just. i fucking love dustin so much.

bonus s1 dustin (and lucas, mostly lucas what a sweet kid) being sweet with el.

[yuusanity]

Dissociation, code-switching, masking, auto-pilot, pretending.

What other terms are there? I haven’t been feeling like myself, and it feels like Im watching someone in my body. I hate it.

I have periods in my life where Im conscious but not fully conscious, as I go on with my life. It can last for weeks, months, or even years. The longest duration this has occurred was when I was a kid. When I reached 3rd grade, I was isolated and bullied. Not too bad, maybe, in comparison to others. But it still scared me out of my wits. Without realizing it, I started smiling more, without any real reason to, without any real connection with what I was really feeling at the moment. Maybe it is because Im autistic, but Ive always been told Im bad at showing my emotions. Too strong or too mild. My uncanny upbringing didn’t help either. It was one of the primary reasons I was bullied.

Then something clicked. I don’t remember the exact thought process anymore. But at some point I just started observing and copying how others acted, and exaggerated my reactions to make it seem like Im normal. I was constantly on edge. Trying to be ahead with how people think, so I can act like how they would expect me to. It worked. It protected me. I didn’t end up completely isolated anymore.

But as with any autistic person when code-switching. They reach a breaking point when they do it too frequently, for too long. On my second time taking 6th grade. I started having frequent panic attacks. And with the intensity and frequency of those panic attacks I started dissociating. Having frequent meltdowns. I couldn’t keep up my mask. Everyone could see that Im just some depressed autistic kid trying to pretend to be normal, and failing miserably at it. Of course not everyone was understanding, despite the number of friends I made, I had a ton of bad moments in that year. Complete meltdowns, kids singling me out, spontaneous panic attacks from the overstimulation. I had so much breakdowns in front of the kids in my same class that they just started to ignore me when I’d lose all vocabulary and start shaking.

Its hell. The breaking point for these moments of being in autopilot or pretend was painful. I grew fearful of the next meltdown, the next panic attack, the next time I’d break my mask. But I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t fail another year, so I tried to keep up that mask and.

I still don’t know if what I did was the right choice, or if there ever even was a right option, or if there was even any other option in the first place.

I never learned how to regulate my emotions. And even now, as an adult, there are times where Id start to get too giddy like a child, or react too little, start slipping into auto-pilot, and start pushing myself over my own limits.

I pretend so much that I cant even tell if Im pretending. And I’ll only realize when Im at my breaking point. Like this one.

Im sorry. I don’t mean all the bad things I said. I was running my mouth and reciting a script that I assumed was correct at the moment.

Im sorry for deceiving you. It wasn’t all fake. But I don’t know where the real parts starts either.

Im sorry, please forgive me. I’ll fix myself, I promise, I’ll act better, I’ll be better. I

I don’t know

I’ll do whatever. Just please don’t hate me.

I cant say all of this to the people in my life, or it will ruin everything. Thats why Im saying it here.

I need to make myself disappear. I don’t know what’s going on with me, I don’t want to find out. God. I want to die so bad right now.

I’ll disappear for now and stop being everybody’s problem. I’ll come back when Im normal again. Please don’t hate me.

[rwqv]

whoops i accidentally unfollowed when i was trying 2 send u another ask ... am not a fake fan pls

no bro i totally get what u mean like the culling games absolutely threw me off... like season one was all happy n dandy and yuji was figuring out his powers yes!!!! and then ooo a flashback to gojos past thats super slice of life-y how cool! and omggg shibuya incident this is where soo much action is happening and kenjaku might win!!! and then kenjaku is setting up a killing game with a points system ? like where r we going with this

like yes action wow but like at the same time i just want the story to progress... like its all battle battle battle battle with soo many characters like give me sum story ...

i think the zenins getting destroyed was cool asf and i cannot lie naoya is kinda hot SORREY ..... like hes a terrible awful person and hes ugly when his mouth is open but like he looks hot when his mouths closed i cant help it..

remi is only in like 10 panels at max LOL so u shouldn't have any trouble.... but she'll be the one to defeat sukuna trust me

NO LIKE LITERALYL RENDERING IS SOOOSO BORINGGGG .... honk shooo snooze fest ... like the idea of it is so cool and when i actually do render like it makes me feel so happy that it looks so much better compared to the sketch ... but at the same time like i just get so bored nd unhappy after a little ... BUT THANK UUU .... im ngl i lay a bunch of random colors down n pray for the best .. i took a couple advanced art classes in my days that taught me like the slightest bit of color theory but really angel ganev on yt is my goat like i literally have learned sm from him just from his youtube shorts LOLLLL hes the best ...

but like yeah .. i alwayz render over the sketch which sometimes looks cool and it looks cool on all my inspo but oh my goodness it takes so so long to do ... lowk i might go back to lineart even tho i HATE lineart

YES NOBAMAKI NATION!!! SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fakest fan ever!!!! ggggrrr

yuji learning his power was so wholesome and even the kyoto exchange was good and gojo lore was also great and i liked the shibuya incident although i just wanted mahito to die. but whats the poitn of the culling game bro its not jeopardy... also i keep thinking whenebr they say noritoshi kamo as kenjaku i keep thinking its the third year or whatever

i think the complexity of jjk comes from the deep level of thought gege put into it. i was watching some explinations on tiktok and i felt like gege definitely has the brain to do stuff its just why did you do the culling games make more story pls

thats just personal feeling though i love seeing all the fight scenes and stuff but it feels kinda baseless like yeah all these randos popping out of nowhere for like 0 reason at all definitely have a meaning. all these good character ideas too

i do understand that everyone was saying jjk was dragging on for too long but 5 chapters is not enough to finish everything off either!!! what about the merger? what about like other people? are we ever gonna get a reason why sukuna goes on a killing rampage?? is he evil to just be evil?? i mean i get the fact that everyone hated him and he was based off of someone who was despised at birth for his extra limbs but... just blood lust?!

if gege did a spinoff series where everything was slice of life and fun id watch it... lobotomy kaisen is carrying me rn

LIKE MAKI YES GOO i support also WHAT... that man would want you in shackles bro he does not think of women kindly... naoya is a wild crush

esp with that popularity poll and HE COMES OUT NUMBER 5. NUMBER 5 OUT OF EVERYONE. HOOWWWW. over sukuna my bbg... and mechamaru...

I GET IT WITH GETTING BORED like okay heres another color that no one else will notice but ill spend 10 minutes undoing and redoing because it doesnt look right!!! i will be sure to chec angel ganev out!!!

i hate lineart tbh i just use my sketch as my lineart and call it good because if i line it it looks like i traced my own art bro its crazy but ur rendering over ur sketch looks so goated ngl but u do whats best for u because art is about being happy and cool!!!! and expression (even if its sugar baby gojo)

NOBAMAKI WAS SO CUTE IN THE SHOW IT MADE ME SO HAPPY they are so cute together i fw them heavy

i miss happy jjk

[httpshujii]

WORK SPOUSE !

Nurse!Atsumu x Nurse!reader

ᯓ Did he mention he loves you?

"Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes."

A certain blonde muses as he leans against the reception counter at the entrance of the hospital. A lopsided smirk rests on Atsumu's thin lips, heavy lids casting a spell upon his brown eyes.

This isn't fair. He gets to look like some God despite having very, very limited hours of sleep. Unlike you. With a frown on your face, hair tied messily, dark circles sagging under your eyes, and nothing but a cherry lip balm that hopefully brightens the rest of your pale face.

"Shut up, Miya."

"Awe, I ain't lyin' though."

He doesn't miss the way you scrunch your nose, knowing he hit that sweet spot that ignites all the flames of butterflies that tickle your insides.

And as if he isn't already perfect, he hands you a cup of coffee, knowing that you hate night shifts and desperately need sleep but your dedication to helping others as much as possible is more important.

"How was my lovely wife's day today?"

Almost spitting out your coffee, you ended up choking on it instead, coughing as he cackles.

"Wife?!"

"You're basically my work wife."

With raised brows, you demand an explanation. He just shrugs and tucks a stray strand of your hair behind your ear, as if he's done it a thousand times before.

"Y'know, we talk all the time, have breaks together, work the same shifts, help each other out, we gossip."

He lists, going on and on about every small thing you guys do. He's stupid, you want to just- squish his stupid pretty face and kiss him. But thanks to God, you've been blessed with ultimate awkwardness, so that will never happen.

"That doesn't make me your wife."

You counter and he just smiles. Not a smug smile, not a teasing one either. But rather a genuine, sweet smile that has you melting. The frown on your face wavers, hands loosen their tight grip around your mug, and your heart threatens to burst through your ribs.

"Forgot to mention that I basically love you."

Zero. Zero is the number of seconds given for you to react before he smooches your smooth lips, it's quick but sweet, so sweet, in fact, that you're so sure you're getting cavities. He tastes so good.

But he's Atsumu Miya, a tease. So just as you're about to react, he pulls away. Like the stupid tease he is.

"Miya!"

You exclaim, body stiff again and brows furrowed. And zero plagues your mind again the moment you feel his warm hands massage into your shoulders.

"Oh you poor thing," your stomach does somersaults, he's so evil. How dare he speak in that tone, in that pitch? "so stressed from everything, let me help you darlin'. "

"If you don't stop I'm gonna die."

"And what is it exactly that 'm doin' ?"

"Something," you answer, breathless as you roll your head back onto his shoulder, "I don't know what it is but you're doing something."

"Just helpin' my pretty wife out, nothin' outta the ordinary."

You sigh, as if you've been a married couple of over twenty years and he's being annoying again. But you let him help you, you let him touch you, kiss you, even though anyone could walk through the hospital at this ungodly hour, you still let him. Because for once, the universe is siding with you, and you hope this will last forever.

if you cant tell, i have writer's block :D

ᯓ SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR . . . @natdu

HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY MAMAAAAA!!! Where do i even start, istg i wrote smth for u just yesterday BUT NOW YOU'RE 24 GASP!! i wish you all the luck and love and happiness in the world bcs ur a literal sweetheart, you make me sososo happy and im so grateful to have you, im so grateful for you sticking with me ever since i started on here. i dont think id be where i am today without you and i love you so much for that. im so sorry for being ignorant on ur actual bday and bombarded you with my problems even though i planned a whole happy birthday thing to say in ur inbox, but im stupid :D the point is, you never deserve to have ur birthday forgotten bcs ur wonderful and so amazing and strong and you're a great doctor and online parental figure. i and many others appreciate you for making time in ur schedule to interact with all of us. i love you so much 🫶🫶

[4kids2dogsandabreakdown]

Dashi Birth Story

Okay so, its been 6 years and much of this is from memory. I know I wrote a diary while I was in the hospital with Dashi but I cant find the damn thing!

Monday 8th January 2018, Was having contractions in the morning, we got the kids ready for school and nursery. My best friend and David were there, once the kids went off I dont think it was long before we were heading to the hospital. My friend was laughing hysterically at me because I was 'mooing' with each contraction :D

We'd had a number of meetings with the hospital before going in for this delivery and it had been agreed that I would be able to labour in the midwife led unit without constant monitoring. I know the doctors had reservations about it, but it genuinely made the labour so much easier for me.

I was in the birth pool the whole time, I coped well with the pain and only had a bit of gas and air all the way through.

We were given space and privacy for most of the time between them checking the baby/me so we were alone when the waters burst. The pool became murky which seemed like something we should be worried about so we asked the midwife to come back in.

At that point I was starting to want to push. I think they checked how dialated I was, then I was pushing. Two midwives were assisting, catching her. She was very briefly put on my chest and then taken out of the room. I was informed that she had breathed in meconium and was struggling to breathe properly.

She was born at 2.15pm, before the kids had even finished school.

I was....scared, but kind of numb too, like I daren`t think too hard in case I went off the deep end completely and lost my shit.

So me and David were just sitting alone in this labour room eating toast and having a cup of coffee wondering if our baby was dead.

I felt like shit, but Id just given birth so it was kind of expected. I tried to go to the toilet, I managed to stand up but as I did a LOT of blood fell out of me and I hit the deck. I dont remember being lifted or put on the bed, there were suddenly loads of people running around (David had pushed the emergency button).

I really thought I might die, Ive been through a fair amount of scary situations but I think this one was the closest Ive come to not surviving. David held it and me together. I was rushed to a delivery room and they started manually removing clots from my womb (without an epidural) but they couldnt get me to stop bleeding. So it was decided Id have to go to theatre and hopefully stop the bleeding in there.

Luckily I only had to have an epidural instead of a general but it being in theatre again was horrific and not something I ever ever want to go through again.

I was taken to a ward afterwards, Im not sure where david was, I think Id sent him to watch over Dashi. They said I couldnt go and see her until I was more recovered. I was absolutely not having that. I managed to get a nurse to take me to the toilet, sadly because of the epidural and pessary they'd given me I shit all over her (I felt SO bad for her!) but she just cleaned me up and was really professional about it.

So, 10 hours after she was born I finally got to meet Dashi properly. I really cant remember if I held her that night, I think I did, I remember her being placed on me attached to all the wires and things.

The kids came to NICU to meet Dashi while she was still in the incubator, it was all very overwhelming for them. My bestie also snuck herself in by telling the nurses she was my wife and the other mum!

The next couple of days Dashi was kept in NICU because the meconium had caused an infection in her lungs and then the machines they'd had to use to get her to breath caused a hole in her lung to develop.

I walked 19000 steps the first day taking breastmilk to the NICU ward. The only thing I could do was provide milk so I was going to do it SO DAMN WELL. I asked a nurse for something to collect colostrum and she handed us a 5ml syringe....I was like, either give me 10 of these or something bigger XD

Eventually after a few days she was well enough to come out of the incubator and into the mum/baby special care ward with me. Being able to dress her and feed her was amazing. I was really missing home though.

We went home on Sunday, so 6 days in hospital all together. Hizashi Jasmine.

[lorisystem]

Sorry about to be negative but need vent

So i had a rlly difficult day and tbh this probably doesnt help but these thoughts i have them all the time its a constant opinion and not just a negative spiral. Although right now feeling this a lot and affecting me more than usual

Anyway like i got back from paid leave last week and my job is like rlly demanding. Im gonna say for me because my threshold for difficult is really low. But yea its just the workload is fairly heavy, theres a lot of pressure, and theres a lot of drama etc. To be fair my neurotypical coworkers are also struggling etc.

But anyway one of the things about paid leave is that when you are able to be off for enough days in a row (like 3 weeks in my case) it really feels like. I was fine during paid leave enjoying my little life doing whatever i wanted being paid etc. You go back to work and its like. Why am i subjecting myself to this. Why. Whats the point. It doesnt even matter. Do i have to even? Why did we all decide to just be doing this. So whatever but thats one thing going on etc

Idkkkk if its like. Haha seasonal or what but im having slightly more suicidal ideation than usual. Like this is not worrying at all like im not in danger or anything. Disclaimer i wont do anything etc. And im saying this completely deadpan non emotionally- Buttt like to give an idea even at my happiest / euphoric i always think of dying as a good thing. I rlly have a hard time finding anything worth it. Literally best i can do is "yeah for this reason i can endure until i die of natural/accidental causes but rlly glad that it does end at some point". So thats my baseline i live like this and most of the time im fine cause like, my number one priority in life is to avoid whatever causes me suffering and stress and like the thing about suicide is that non violent methods are inaccessible to me which i think is unethical but thats my own issue lol. So basically as long as my life is less painful than suicide im at no risk of dying and i do my best to minimize suffering, doing fine on that, so everything is fine. Alright

But like anyway i was thinking that my number one problem in life currently and idk how to solve it its impossible right?

Is like. I want to live a life where i can be myself/not mask. That is to say be authentically who i am speak like i think act like i think dress how i want use the pronouns i use etc (im talking about displaying asd traits, dressing weird, being trans, ace, polyam queer etc) like just harmless things that are my core personality and defining traits right. AND be respected as a human being.

That is to say like id like to go outside and participate in society sometimes without having to pretend to be "normal" and also at the same time to not get weird looks, not get nasty looks, not get catcalled, not get harassed, not get commented upon, not get someone coming up to me to comment on my outfit or be mean to me, not get someone feeling entitled to treat me as subhuman, not stalked, not at fear of being assaulted, not get rumors spread about me, not followed around, not preyed upon etc etc just for existing <3 bc i dare to look abnormal and vulnerable ppl notice and think im not human.

Ive had all those happen to me and thankfully nothing too bad either like it happens to some ppl so i will display a certain amount of disgusting gratefulness bc of course i have some privilege so there is obviously way worse than me. Somehow still enough to make me traumatized and agoraphobic!

I just want to exist and that its ok and that ppl dont wonder if thats ok if they should take advantage of me or try to help and correct whatever is wrong with me.

And that is too much to ask! Its literally too much to ask.

We live in a world where we cant expect especially marginalized ppl, to be respected. To exist outside or in public etc and just not get someone to make us understand thats somth is wrong with us.

I have to pretend to be normal, all this effort so at the end of the day not only am i dead inside but also i still know ppl think theres still somth off about me.

So anyway this is my pipe dream and the reason ill never think anything is good or worth it. Is there in the world a happy place like this? I think about it all the time, where is the land i can be happy and ppl act normal to me.

Anyway a dream ive had is to save up and buy a house on a mortgage and like. I have a good salary at the moment for a single person, its pretty good. But my spouse is struggling to find a job and anything resembling takes a lot of energy from them so idk if its viable long term even and on my salary alone thats impossible. So idk. And like thats fine but its sad cause my spouse is rlly depressed about it etc.... capitalism does this to us.. yk how it is..

Im thinking maybe i should just attempt to start a thing to get disability aid or somth which is. The amount is basically only the minimum to live for one person if you leave in a shoebox and have no expense. So like the quality of life for myself and my spouse would seriously decrease in terms of living space and other nice things so like meh. But most importantly id have to get reevaluated every few years etc at risk of losing it if i stop qualifying it. Which can reasonably happen even if the doctor i have changes and they decide no longer disabled or someth even. That is if i even get it cause like i am actually capable at least for now to work full time in the way i do. Sucks the whole time, but capable. So idk what to do. Maybe i reduce my time of work. Idk. The fear of losing the disability is rlly too much for me too like. I have no financial support if that happens i cant count on my family at all for anything. Im too scared/traumatized by poverty to not have stability.

Honestly i think its just this forever then? Ig i should make another therapy appointment but last time my therapist said something that set me off and now i dont wanna go again its so dumb cause i rlly like her and been w her for like. Idk almost 2 years now. And she just said one thing which i think even she meant nothing by it and now im just like. I rlly hate that its happening i just feel the ick.

I was telling this to my spouse too like when you repress your emotions so much all the time you stop feeling sadness or anger etc you just feel the ick. Like profoundly uncomfortable with no words to put on it rlly

So thats going on for me ♡ sorry for being negative though just going through my mind but ill be ok etc

[goremet-chef]

maybe ill tell my mom im hungry? im so. my entire LIFE i have always always hated asking for things like so much so that i stopped asking for things on my BIRTHDAY because im like. terrified of being seen as selfish? idk its funny cuz parents will like. god forbid i get a treat when im a kid, then all the grown ups in my life look down and call me spoiled as if they didnt give me the treat, and they still think children arent capable of complex thought so they didnt anticipate that id internalize it for the rest of my life but here we are 😁😁

so i just. god i hate asking for things it makes me feel so shitty but i think shes gonna go somewhere anyways? and EVENTUALLY hes going to run out of things to cook so maybe if i ask she'll bring home some food (vent/rant)

that is one thing that always bothers me tho ive got? idk my mom is. shes my mom i guess, currently she treats me very nicely but when her bf was gone for a few years all that anger was directed at me so yknow. i guess shes over it? or she tries to make up for it, but if im not given an apology, i wont forgive or forget even. it was mutual, lots of arguing on the basis of politics at time, but sometimes it was just fucking nothing, to the point where she'd even admit that i didnt deserve that treatment its just. SIGHHHHH im over it at this point im just trying to get out atp yknow? but like

my sibling asks for LOTS of things. and they get all of them. money for computer parts? sure. money for literally any thing? sure. new game? sure

im not bitter about it, as long as my mom can afford it i dont care. but like....... whenever I ask for things, its usually a no

because of my BPD, i take rejection really hard, its the worst pain in the world so i kinda just stopped asking for anything at all to avoid the feeling. then they always are like "ohh what do you want for yr birthday we cant just get you nothing" but i actually DID ask for something on my birthday. i asked for a copy of pokemon black for the ds. it was the only thing ive directly asked for in years, and i didnt get it which is super embarrassing. like whats the point of bothering me about what i want if you dont listen to me when i do? they always get me what they THINK i want and its this really outdated version of me that doesnt even exist anymore, its makes me dissociate knowing thats what they see me as when im just not that anymore. even when i tell them its null

IDK its jsut a whole thing, idk how to feel about it anymore. its to the point where like. my friends take me out sometimes but i mean. they know im broke, they know i have no job, they know i have no income. but im terrified the entire time that theyre gonna like. ask me to pay or something, and i always do my best to just do nothing when we go out cuz i really like. even when they offer to get me things it makes me feel so fucking shitty man i feel like im just leeching off of them even when they offered. even when they tell me they like getting me things it just. it feels so bad. and GOD its embarrassing, when we're walking around stores and all im doing is just following them around because i have like FIVE DOLLARS in my pocket at most. things like that make me want to never leave my house again, it just sucks.

im jealous of them if im honest, because they have jobs and i dont. but i dont think? i genuinely am unsure id ever be able to get a job. im not well adjusted like them, im constantly dissociating, constantly tired, my sibling yesterday, i made a comment about my mom leaving without telling me at all and he was like "well she said she was leaving on the weekend didnt she?" like yes, she did, but i genuinely have no idea what day it is at any given point. all i know is the number, i dont know the day of the week ever.

like im so. fucked, im fucked! totally, even if i managed to get me shit together, relearn the days of the week, set a good sleep schedule, im fucked anyways because i dont know how to be a person at all. an interview sounds fucking terrifying, ESPECIALLY if i dont know the questions theyre going to ask. i do really REALLY poorly with actual human conversation, like its painful. and pretty much everyone around me thinks im kinda creepy or weird in some way, so theyd DEFINITELY be able to tell. i have no resume, i dont even know what that IS. like im so fucked!! i wasnt able to pass highschool, i cant partake in a conversation if i dont somehow have both sides planned perfectly.

little unsure about my odds, gotta be honest

but at the same time like? i keep hearing people say "if you cant work then get disability insurance" am i disabled? everyone around me tells me im just not trying hard enough. they laugh at me when i say i just cant. even if it covers mental illness, i? i dont know. im constantly in denial of things because my family specifically my mom like. a long time ago she told me i just couldnt be autistic, because im "too smart"

?????? it showed me immediately that she has absolutely no fucking idea what shes talking about ever, i bet she couldnt list more than 2 symptoms of autism like genuinely. im not even smart also????? maybe id be a genius, if i could retain information after 5 minutes 💀💀 its complete bullshit man, im just. im at a loss

and then they have the audacity to mock me for not knowing how to be a person in the world, when THEY shouldve taught me. it was THEIR job to help guide me through it, and they didnt. they laugh and roll their eyes and scoff when i tell them oh i dont know how to use a stove, i dont know what food stamps are i dont know how to dress for a job interview ETC

they expect ill know, that i wouldve jsut picked it up over time but surprise! i didnt. i need instruction i need CLEAR instruction and no one will give it to me. its so frustrating man, they suck ass and they just make me feel WORSE about myself. like good fucking god, give me a break

idk im just. exhausted. im tired of just cramming my problems down because the people around me are incapable of seeing me as anything other than a child, and children dont have problems, right? i have no right to complain if my backs constantly hurting, if im too tired to feed myself properly, if i cant leave my house for 2 seconds without feeling the deepest dread. like be so serious bro

i cant wait to fucking move out, but.. how? my friends said its okay if i cant always make enough money from art to pay rent, but no. i dont believe them at all. theyre just being nice to me and i dont even deserve that, i fucking refuse i cant just. im always dead weight, its so frustrating. it frustrates the people around me, too. i feel like such a fucking burden man, its so tiring. if its not things i just dont know how to do, its fear. oh i cant help clean the garage because its crawling with spiders, i cant take out the trash because the trash bins are crawling with spiders. i cant walk down the stairs because i saw a spider on the ground. they fucking hate me man

i know what they see me as, but i have no idea how to convince them that its not me. they think im rude because i dont know how to properly communicate, i say things and its rude to them and i feel bad because i didnt intend to come off that way. everyone thinks im selfish, they think im overdramatic. exaggerating. if they could live in my head for one day, they wouldnt think that anymore

its so exhausting because you dont even get any sort of sympathy from them! just like. awkward pity, and it makes me wish i was never born. never oh im sorry yr feeling that way, do you wanna talk about it? never

they see me as such an obvious burden but they? i dont know! i genuinely cant understand, they think i just have no complex emotions? they think i cant hear it, cant see it? they think i dont feel like a burden when they tell me i am. its so stupid

i cant stand being around anyone, and it just pushes me FURTHER into dissociation. ive got an interesting thing with that. see, typically when yr dissociate with a dissociative disorder like OSDD or DID, that hazy period in time opens up for another alter to front, you dissociate away and get tucked inside yr head. except i get maladaptive daydreams. so im fully dissociated in another world basically but im still physically present. its like i just always take up space thats never meant for me, in every conceivable way. i hate it.

i know, when i finish typing this, ill feel a lot better. which is just embarrassing, bpd fucking sucks. having no emotional permanence is EMBARRASSING when im over here crying on my knees about my problems and then the second i get it out i feel completely fine. it just makes me invalidate my very real emotions even further and its so.

im just. whatever.

just spit it out and stop looking that way

[spikeinthepunch]

i was blabbing on my priv twit about SU and i still have more thoughts but i am putting it under a cut so you must choose to read it, and it you do dont be stupid about it <3 if you follow me and want to bring up old ass SU discourse you should leave. i am looking back and appreciating this show

i have noticed some ppl watch SU who havent before watch it now, and its nice seeing a number of folk be like "why were people discoursing about this?? its just a good kids show" which is totally 100% true, tho i hope ppl watching it are also aware of like.... how important that show was/is-- not even just for its LGBT rep but its story IS serious/has a lot of depth and does teach some very unexplored themes, and lessons.

people were overly serious and heated about the show in a way that was like "i expect these things because it already did [serious thing]! why arent they doing this!" but you cant deny the show dove into some serious territory and wildly out there themes that kids shows werent doing at all. the show was plot focused and it took all kinds of twists and turns- no one should be mistaken about that, its just that adult fans were stupid about it.

and alongside newer watchers talking about the show i still see a lot of it followed with "...but i know its flawed!" which like. yes, also true. but i think something i notice with that is that it feels like anyone going to watch the show has to put up a defense of like "i know i said the show is good BUT i need to say its flawed or else people will get mad and assume i think its perfect". and lets be real. what show is gonna be perfect? none really, but we dont say that for like... every other show we go to talk about. why do you have to put a disclaimer when talking about SU?? as if it almost feel required when talking in spaces where ppl may have Opinions about it, bc the fandom was often so toxic. its definitely because SU fandom still left that impression of constant discourse, and not recognizing its flaws meant (to them) that you endorsed all kinds of things that could be "bad" about it.... i really dont think its worth saying at all nowadays if we want to detach from the fandom 'that was'.

anyone who watches can gladly come to their own conclusion about that, but in the end i think many now wont have such a big impression about whether or not its flawed because it is a kids show, you know? wasnt that the point of revisiting it today? being softer on it than the rabid 2016 tumblr fans? i think many do feel that way, not affected by the fandom, but in the end i just find it important to not feel the need to validate those who would assume the worst out of something you never stated.

i mostly voice this because again, it kinda sucks seeing a lot of talk just be about new watchers surprised the fandom was so toxic because the show its just a nice kid show. cartoons as media isnt often (or at all) regarded in long history and its a shame because i think more and more people forget SU paved the way for so much, for so many shows and cartoons especially. and i think its really worth talking about SU without feeling the need to mention its "flawed" because even then i think the fandom really heightened/exaggerated those flaws.

its well written and it most definitely threw in lessons and feelings and explorations of things id never seen before that even as a not-child age was very important to see. honestly dont know what i would be like if i hadnt seen that show, and i wasnt a child and i took it seriously, and you should to some extent! you wouldnt be the same as those adults who got into discourse. its normal to have cared about that show.

basically i hope people dont forget those important as time goes on, and i think it is important to also seperate the 'stupid adult fan' from the expression and closeness to any peice of media on can have even if its a cartoon. its been a hot topic more and more to talk about adults enjoying kids shows- some more harsh and strict than others. i know its expected people will remember a shitty fandom but SU isnt even a bad show either. id hardly say its mediocre even for the ppl who dont care for it, bc it could still erase/take away focus from how it affected LGBT shows going forward and that alone is very important! idk where to end this now but i just had feelings. i detached from the fandom like in the middle of the show (or at least just stopped looking directly in spaces like tumblr) and i kind of missed any opinions ppl started forming but all i see now is a lot of recognition for the fandom being bad but not a lot of deeper discussion of what the show did in the end. there is so much to say about the show from a meta context and the development it had as well.