#told the painting teacher i had a headache yesterday but the truth is

[thrassisfras]

Ah, I've reached the self-sabotage stage of the semester. Thank heavens it waited until after midterms this year and instead left me stalling on an essay that's due next week 🫠

[albino-whumpee]

Blank Space

An idea came to mind so here. Just gonna say I made a playlist for Albus and Sann on spotify. Here. You can go listen to it here.

Taglist! Hope you liked it! Thank you for reading and sticking by for so long! :D

@castielamigos-whump-side-blog @giggly-evil-puppy @cowboysrappin @haro-whumps @burtlederp @neuro-whump @comfortforthepain @whumps-the-word @whole-and-apart-and-between @broken-horn @ashintheairlikesnow @rosesareviolentlyread @crowned-avery @starnight-whump @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @as-a-matter-of-whump  @whumpasaurus101 @grizzlie70​ @twistedcaretaker

CW// child abuse and domestic violence, children going missing, child neglect, starvation, and useless child services.

“…ller…Mu…”

Someone was calling for him. But there was a ringing on his ears and his head hurt. The cap on his head with the chipped borders, protected him from the annoying white light of the school´s infirmary. He had been sent there during E.P. After he had refused to continue doing sit-ups because of the pain. In the distance, he heard a sigh.

“Serra”

“Don´t call me that” the boy´s lips moved instantly.

The guy with the white lab coat let out a sigh.

“Sorry, Muller. But I can´t do anything if you don´t show me what´s wrong” the boy exhaled, trying to dissimulate how much it pained him to do even that.

“Can´t you feel it above the clothes or something?” the boy tried to negotiate. The shame swallowing whole. The man gave him an exasperated frown as reply. Muller sighed, wetting his lips before putting his hands on the dirty gym shirt. The last tower standing between him and the reality the doctor shouldn´t see. Shouldn´t know. “Please?”

“Muller…” that tone was the signal to drop it. So he braced and lifted it up to the man, straying his eyes to a corner. The man´s eyes turned into brown plates, mouth hanging disgusted at the way his bones looked like they were trying to pop out the thin layer of bruised skin. 

“Oh my god…” he exhaled just before he saw the shirt fall. The man opened his mouth a few times. Like a fish trying to breath out of the water. Gasping for just a bit of precious oxygen. But he was just a man who rubbed the side of his head and leaned on to him with those eyes full of pity he didn´t want. “I know you´re no fighter, Muller. You´re the quiet kid with regular notes. Can you tell me where did you really get those?”

He stayed quiet. Locking his jaw as he breathed in.

If he said the truth it would be worse. It would hurt and not only for him. It would be bad and even worse for Annie. Who was in class. Surely talking with her friends and bragging about the cake he had bought for her birthday. Smiling despite the bandages on her wrist.

He had tried before. To tell someone with authority about his father. He had been hopeful. They had patched him up and let him bath and eat a normal meal. But what happened then was that he was sat in a cold room with a chair in the middle. Talked with a woman that simply took notes, before giving him back to the man they had told him he wouldn´t see again. Just to go straight back home and resume what had made him call child services in the first place.

“I got into a fight” He said.

“Tell me the truth”

“I got into a fight”

“We both know-”

“It won´t change anything if I say the truth or not” Muller said with red eyes lit up in rage.

“Serra…”

“Don´t call me that. I got into a fight and lost. That´s the truth” The ringing on his ears went up. “Just…Just do your damn job and give me something for the pain, doc” the boy said scrunching his eyes, passing a hand over them roughly, in hopes it would end the headache. His dad had grabbed the broom on his hands while he cleaned the living room´s floor of the carpet of beer cans. Said the sound woke him up. So he shoved him to the floor and let it rain down until it broke. Then he had lost interest and gone back to sleep. That´s when he could scramble outside. Forgetting his backpack on the way.

The doctor let out a long, long breath that just made Muller grit his teeth. He finally rolled down to a cabinet. Unlocked it and let his fingers navigate the few pill cases there were. Nothing strong. Nothing that would stop the fear and the pain forever. Just a pill of ibuprofen.

Muller wasn´t amused in the slightest, but it would help. That and a bit of ice on his eye. The doctor put a bag of it on his lap. Taking off the cap, he let his head hang. Letting the cool sensation of the ice wash the pain away.

“Lay down and don´t take the pill just yet, ok? Do you like sandwiches, Muller?” He asked digging on his backpack next to the desk. Taking out his wallet.The boy snapped his healthy eye open going red of embarrassment. Of course, you need to eat something before taking pills and that had happened yesterday afternoon. Around seventeen hours ago.

It vaguely reminded him of Don, the doctor’s clinic where appointments were profusely refused to be paid and the man even gave them his own children’s old clothes. The boy had tried to keep the smell when he did laundry, but it inevitably started to smell like his father at some point.

“Y-yes, Thank you…” he muttered before the man turned to the door. Or tried to, before the albino grabbed his wrist. “Doc, please, don´t tell anybody about this” the man gave him a pained look as the ice bag slipped off his face. “I…Albinos bruise easily…it was just a fight I lost. Please…” Muller hoped it was enough. He was aware he was known among his classmates as a troublemaker. Coming with bruises and scratches almost every day kept people at an arm length. He would use that. He could use it and keep people away from the truth. That he didn´t search for trouble because going back home was enough.

Just so she wouldn´t need to do the same.

The man slowly put away the boy´s hand. “It´s absolutely impossible to call someone, Muller? Child services?” he knelt next to him. Taking the ice pack that had slid to his lap and putting it against his swollen eye. “You don´t have anyone you could stay with? Just for a while?”

The boy´s face went dark. Even as it formed an ironic smile.

“Why would I be here if I had a place like that, Doc?”

—-

When he went back to class, patched up and cradling his ribs, changed into his normal wear from the secret backpack on his locker, to enter art class. He saw a few people muttering something when he came inside the classroom before pulling his cap down. Looking at his red sneakers as he navigated to his seat at the front. Then tried to blink into focus the words on the board.

“Free assignment. High contrast. Acrylics. Due next Wednesday. Be sure to return the materials clean and dry. Be creative!”

Muller sighed slowly. They weren’t sure if they really had a teacher or if they were being given classes by a ghost, as they would have the instructions written on the board and had to leave them on the desk that day or the date written. Receiving their scores through email he had to check on the library.

It was odd, but it was also easier to not be disrupted on the only place he could take his cheap mp3, put the earphones to silence the room and just paint. His moment of full relaxation of the week.

After putting the earphones, he had no idea what to paint, however. He stared at it with a pencil on his hand for a long time, drumming it into his jeans, until an idea came to his head, making him smile. He rolled up the sleeves of his oversized sweater and dipped into sketching light lines over the smooth surface. Halfway through an upbeat song, he felt eyes on him. Brown eyes staring into the purple of his forearm. Not shiny from the cream the doctor had rubbed on it to numb out the pain anymore.

Muller rolled back down the sleeve, pulling his eyes away, before he stood up to grab the paint tubes in the other side of the room. A few girls scooting away as they spotted him. Always looking down, averting his sight from other’s curious eyes.

Two hours of work later, the black paint had reigned over the canvas. He had had to squint harder to get the tiniest little details of it right. Using negative space to frame the silhouette of fruit plate, a candlestick with hanging jewels and a chalice. Leaving them completely white.

A blank space in the immense blackness.

Happy with the result and having played the list four times, he accidentally put the brush with black paint over his cheek. Rubbing it away just smudging it. Letting out a groan, he noticed nobody was there anymore. Had left their half assed paintings on the desk or simply left.

He began to pick up the dirty brushes left from his classmates and went to the sink to clean them thoroughly like always. He didn’t need thanks, but it would be easier if they didn’t try to put out the desperation of the exam periods on the poor brush by smashing them open. There always was one that couldn’t be saved. He was about to throw it out, right when he saw the bruise on his forearms. Going darker in long stripes.

He pressed his lips together as he dipped the brush into the white paint and stroked his arm with it. The cool sensation of the sticky material covering his bruised skin, almost melting into his natural color made him do the same to his other arm.

When he finished it was almost as if he hadn’t fled his house after being hit with a broom that morning. It had been so easy to cover them as it was easy to wipe it off in a rush for the next class. Half finishing up and putting the painting on the desk. Trying to run as fast as he could, when he heard someone coming closer.

The woman saw him scramble outside the classroom as she went in through the other door. She just came in to take the paintings to her car to evaluate, but that time she found herself absorbed on the painting. Taking it into her hands, shocked. Noticing to a smile the same little “A. M.” Painted on the far corner, always there on her favorites of the class. She turned to the door, light brown wavy hair jumping swiftly at the motion.

She put the painting on top of the others as she marched back to the parking spot her old Tsuru was on. She would make sure to arrive early next time and offer him that little place on the students exhibition.

She did wake up early, to most of her disgrace and her co worker’s surprise. She did arrive to class with the announcement of the school’s artistic exhibition, spooking her students and earning groans, but she didn’t see a kid with a white ponytail in oversized clothes. Not the next week, or the one after that.

His painting hanged on large boards among other student’s works, regardless. But he never came back to see it

[gwacheonlust]

When Pluto Rises

Junkook has been pining for his best friend Taehyung for years. One starry night, he decides to bare his heart and soul, but before he does, Tae tells him how he feels: he loves Jimin. 

"It's hard to be friends with someone special when every time you look at that person, all you see is everything you want to have," Tae whispered softly.

Jungkook didn't say anything. He knew the feeling. He knew because he loved Tae the way Tae loved Jimin.

And as he laid there beside Taehyung at the back of his father's car, gazing at the moon and the stars scattered like flecks of faint colors painted across the inky night sky, he couldn't help but think of how beautiful his best friend truly is. Yes, Taehyung was the picture of beauty, from the tips of his thick eyelashes down to his toes. But he was more than a pretty face. He was a kind and gentle soul, always so sweet and considerate, putting other people's needs before himself.

Jungkook loved Taehyung. He realized this the night they snuck out of their own houses to watch a meteor shower in the 6th grade. They were huddled together in the blanket Jungkook brought, taking turns drinking hot chocolate from Tae's thermos, giggling at the novelty and thrill of sneaking out on a school night.

“Ooh, look, Kook! There's the big dipper!” Tae pointed excitedly at the constellation. “And then there's the archer!”

Jungkook chuckled at his best friend. “I guess all those hours you spent with your nose pressed against that encyclopedia is paying off,” he said, leaning back on both arms.

“Of course it does, you fool,” Taehyung rolled his eyes at his best friend. “Or else you wouldn't see my name on the honors list every quarter.”

“Hmph. Fine. Find Pluto, then,” Jungkook challenged Taehyung.

“Dork, Pluto only rises minutes before the sun!” Tae snorted.

“How do you know that?” Jungkook looked incredulously at him.

At that question, Taehyung looked at Jungkook and wiggled his eyebrows mischievously. “I watched A Walk to Remember.”

The two boys wheezed with laughter, their shoulders shaking uncontrollably under the light of the stars shooting across the onyx sky. It was in that moment, under the starlit sky, when Jungkook realized he loved his best friend.

And he has loved Taehyung every single day since then.

After that night, they decided to make stargazing a tradition—something they did once every month or whenever they needed to escape from life, whenever they needed to breathe a little. With or without meteor showers.

And whenever there were shooting stars, they each made a wish and told each other what they wished for.

Now, Jungkook was in the exact same spot where he fell in love with his best friend years ago, wishing for the exact same thing he had been wishing for since then: for Taehyung to love him back. The only difference was that  now, he has actually mustered the courage to tell him the truth, not those made-up wishes he told Tae before.

“What did you wish for?” Jungkook asked, his voice as soft as butterfly kisses.

To his surprise, Taehyung answered seriously.

“I wished for Jimin to love me.”

Jungkook looked at his best friend. “Jimin?”

Taehyung nodded wordlessly.

“Since… Since when?” Jungkook tried very hard to swallow the lump on his throat.

Taehyung looked at him wistfully. “Last year, when we went camping,” he said as he looked back at the moon, the bright orbs reflected in his eyes.

Jungkook swallowed. “Does he know?”

“Of course not.” Tae continued staring at the moon.

“It’s hard to be friends with someone special when everytime you look at that person, all you see is everything you want to have,” Tae whispered softly.

Jungkook didn’t say anything. He knew the feeling. He knew because he loved Tae the way Tae loved Jimin.

“What about you?” Taehyung asked all of a sudden, interrupting Jungkook’s train of thought.

“What about me?” the boy asked, still a bit dazed and confused.

“What did you wish for?” Taehyung patiently asked. His eyes, eyes that saw wonder and delight in every single thing, eyes that Jungkook loved getting lost in so much, seemed to see straight  through Jungkook.

“I…” Jungkook began hesitantly. He fiddled with the hem of his shirt as he racked his brain for something to say. ‘Think, think, think,’ he thought. Something. Anything.

“I wished for you to love me,” he blurted out and regretted it almost immediately.

“What did you… What was that?” Taehyung asked. His brows were knit together and he was laughing nervously, blood rushing to his face and coloring his cheeks.

“Come on. You heard me, Tae,” Jungkook said, his own face growing redder by the minute.  

Taehyung sat upright and faced the dark-haired boy beside him. “Are you for real, Jeon Jungkook?”

Jungkook’s heart caught in his throat. He, too, sat up and faced his best friend. “What? What’s wrong?”

“You tell me you love me right after I confess to you that I love Jimin? What the hell, Gguk!” Tae was unable to look at Jungkook.

“Taehyung, plea--”

“Since when?” Taehyung asked, his voice quiet. And when Jungkook wasn’t able to answer right away, he asked again. “Since. When?” he looked at his best friend with steel eyes.

“S-since 6th grade,” Jungkook stammered. An intense pain bloomed in his chest, and even though he didn’t have any heart problems, his heart clenched. He was trying not to let his emotions get the best of him. Not now. He can’t cry in front of Taehyung. Not now.

Taehyung scoffed. “I can’t believe you.”

And with one final look of disgust, he clambered out of the car and started walking home.

✧. ⋆ ⊹

“Stupid, stupid, stupid!” Jungkook said over and over as he remained rooted on the spot, with his back pressed against his father’s car. He kept reliving the event in his head again and again, closing his eyes, wishing desperately for the power to turn back time and undo what he did. Unsay what he said. He shut his eyes tight, forcing the tears that formed down the sides of his face.

“Why does this have to happen?” he choked, asking the moon. “Why do I have to fall in love with my best friend? Why?”

Jungkook did not get to go home that night. He just laid there under the star-specked canopy of the dark sky, staring at the celestial bodies that reminded him so much of the man he loved and questioning how the universe works.

✧. ⋆ ⊹

Jungkook almost skipped school the following day. He had a terrible headache, his nose was stuffy, and worse, his eyes were swollen from crying himself to sleep. But he cannot skip school. He can't not see Taehyung. Especially after yesterday’s events. Maybe they can even talk on the way home. Maybe it will be a better day. He hoped it was going to be a better day.

His hopes were crushed, though, the moment Taehyung entered the classroom with his arm hooked on Jimin's. There was his best friend, the boy he grew up with, the boy he loved, clinging to this blonde transfer student, laughing heartily at whatever the latter was saying as if he didn't tell Jungkook he had no plans of confessing. As if he didn't break Jungkook's heart when he walked away last night.

Jungkook's fists curled into balls when he saw Jimin put a guiding hand on the small of Taehyung's back. He had to avert his gaze and bite his lips to keep from saying anything. It hurt. It fucking hurt.

✧. ⋆ ⊹

Taehyung's smile disappeared the moment he saw the look on Jungkook's face. He knew that look all too well. Jungkook was jealous. And he didn't know what to do with that knowledge.

Truth be told, Taehyung was not mad at the boy. Not anymore at least. Yes, when Jungkook confessed last night, he was taken aback and a tad angered, mainly because he felt incredibly vulnerable and bypassed. It took a lot of courage for him to tell his best friend about his feelings for Jimin, and instead of consoling him, Jungkook goes and confesses to him. But he understood why Jungkook did that, he really did. He knew what it felt like to look into the eyes of the person you loved and feel overwhelmed by the way they were gazing at you. He knew because that happens to him every time he looked into Jimin's eyes.

And he knew he needed to talk to Jungkook soon, apologize for acting that way. Seeing how his best friend reacted to seeing him and Jimin together, however, made him scared to do so.

“Tae?” Jimin's melodic voice snapped him out of his trance. “You okay?” he asked, peering into Taehyung's eyes. Taehyung's head spun.

“Y-yes,” Tae nodded, disentangling his arm from the other boy, averting his eyes.

“You sure?” Jimin leaned in and brushed a wayward strand of hair from Tae’s eyes. “You were all smiley just a few minutes ago.”

Taehyung laughed nervously. “Ah, it’s nothing. I just remembered I didn’t get to finish one errand my mom asked me to do last night,” he said as he twiddled his thumbs.

“I see,” Jimin nodded. “Well, you can always do it later.” He flashed a dazzling smile that disarmed Taehyung once more.

Just then, the teacher entered the room, signalling the beginning of the class. Taehyung walked to his seat which happened to be beside Jungkook. He sat down wordlessly, not even bothering to glance at his best friend.

‘This is stupid,’ he thought to himself. ‘Just say hi or apologize or something.’ He looked at the boy from the corner of his eye and saw that Jungkook was just staring straight ahead. He risked glancing at Jungkook only to see the boy’s jaw so tightly clenched that the vein in his neck was visible from where Tae was seated.

He took a deep breath. This was going to be a long day.

✧. ⋆ ⊹

The entire day dragged by with Jungkook and Taehyung dancing around each other. Both wanting to talk to the other, but both hesitating every time there was an opportunity to.

“What’s up with you and Taehyung?” Yoongi, one of their classmates and close friends, asked Jungkook over lunch.

“Hmm? What do you mean” Jungkook feigned innocence.

“I’m more observant than you make me out to be, Jeon,” Yoongi countered, spearing his steamed broccoli with his fork. “Aside from the fact that you used to be inseparable, you’ve been avoiding each other like the plague the entire day. What’s going on?”

Jungkook sighed. “I hurt his feelings,” he responded vaguely.

Yoongi didn’t press him to elaborate his answer. He just nodded and continued eating his food. That was one of the good things about Yoongi. He never forced you to share something you’re uncomfortable divulging, and Jungkook was very grateful for that.

The pair continued eating in silence, only talking when Jungkook volunteered to return their trays and plates of food. “Thank you,” Jungkook bowed to the staff before meeting Yoongi at the cafeteria door. As he walked, he was only vaguely aware of a pair of eyes watching him from across the room.

✧. ⋆ ⊹

“Can we talk?” a familiar voice interrupted Jungkook’s thoughts. He looked up to find his best friend towering over his seated figure.

“Yeah, sure,” he managed to say, hurriedly stuffing his notebook and pen inside his backpack.

Taehyung waited for Jungkook at the door. They descended the stairs with Taehyung leading the way and Jungkook awkwardly shuffling behind him. The boys walked without directing a single word to each other. It was only when they reached their favorite bench in the playground when Taehyung spoke.

“Sit, please,” he said, tapping the spot on the seat beside him.

Jungkook doesn’t need to be told twice. He cleared his throat. “You wanted to talk?”

“I’m sorry for walking out on you last night,” Taehyung started, his voice barely a whisper.

Jungkook looked at his best friend, and he almost regretted it. For there, sitting beside him, bathed in the golden light of the setting sun, was the magnificence of Taehyung, the boy he has loved his entire life. There, sat beside him, was his past, his present, and in his dreams, his future, looking even more glorious and ethereal than he already was in Jungkook’s eyes. Taehyung made Jungkook’s heart leap to his throat, not just because he was beautiful, but because Jungkook knew the boy was going to break his heart once more.

“I’m sorry for being so rude and getting mad at you all of a sudden,” Taehyung continued. “You didn’t deserve that, Ggukie.”

Jungkook’s chest tightened. ‘Ggukie. He used his pet name for me,’ he thought.

“It’s okay, Tae. You were caught off-guard. I’m sorry for disregarding your feelings, too,” he responded, gripping the edge of the wooden bench tightly.

Tae took a deep breath. “I’m planning to tell Jimin I like him,” he said, looking at Jungkook.

“Oh.”

The blonde boy bit his lip. “If you want to, I’ll stay away. To give you some time. I won’t bug y--”

“No! No, Tae, please. Can we please just go back to the way it was before? I promise, I won’t bring it up again. I promise I’ll erase my feelings for you,” Jungkook pleaded. “Just… just don’t stop being my best friend, Tae. Please. I beg you.”

“You’re… You’re okay with this… setup? Still being friends with me?” Tae asked.

Jungkook nodded frantically. “Yes, I’m okay. I promise I won’t interfere between you and Jimin.”  

His best friend chuckled. “You’re giving me your doe eyes again, Ggukie. How can I resist?”

“So, back to being best friends?” Jungkook held out a hand.

Taehyung took his hand and shook it. “Best friends.”

They stayed in the park until they decided that they were tired of watching children bicker because of the line to the slide. They walked home side by side, the blonde boy with happy, confident strides, the brown-haired boy with dejected ones that he tried so desperately to mask with fake laughter. They got home, one a picture of hope, the other of sadness.

And for the second time that week, Jungkook cried himself to sleep.

✧. ⋆ ⊹

Taehyung wrung his hands as he paced outside the school’s dance studio. He had excused himself from orchestra practice 5 minutes ahead of time to catch Jimin. He was going to confess to Jimin today, right after club practice.

“What’s taking them so long?” he asked no one. He was a bundle of nerves and was basically jittery all day. He didn’t exactly appreciate how the situation was prolonging his agony. “I feel like I’m going to puke,” Tae wondered aloud, his heart hammering in his chest.

Just then, the door of the dance studio swung open, and out came the man he was looking for: Jimin.

“Oh, Taehyungie,” Jimin greeted him, his face covered with a fine sheen of sweat that, in the warm late afternoon glow of the sun, made him glimmer. How could anyone look so good after dance practice?

“Hi, Jimin,” Tae said bashfully.

“Are you waiting for someone? I can call them,” Jimin offered, pointing to the dance studio with his thumbs.

“A-actually, I wanted to talk to you, Jimin,” Tae swallowed. His hands were shaking, and he hoped Jimin didn’t notice them.

Jimin’s plump lips formed a small o, making him look even more adorable that he already is. “Okay. Shoot.”

Tae pointed toward the direction of the playground. “I was thinking maybe we can talk somewhere more private?”

“Oh, sure. Lead the way.”

Taehyung led Jimin to the playground. It was basically the only place in school where he can think. Every time something was bothering him and he couldn’t go to his and Jungkook’s stargazing spot, he’d go to the playground, sit on his favorite bench and watch the sun kiss the earth good night as the moon took its place in the sky.

They reached the bench in no time, and, like the day before with Jungkook, Tae invited Jimin to sit down next to him.

Jimin sat with his body turned towards Taehyung. “Is there something wrong?” he asked, his voice gentle.

“No, no. Nothing’s wrong,” Tae started, looking Jimin in the eyes. Eyes that seemed to hold the wonders of the universe and of the galaxies beyond the one they were in. “In fact, everything is more than okay.” He smiled at light-haired boy.

“Jimin, I’m sorry if this is too sudden. I was thinking of keeping this to myself, but something happened and made me realize that I needed to tell you this,” Tae rambled. Taking a deep breath, he continued, “I like you, Jimin. Not as a person, but as a boy. I mean, I like you as a person, too, but I--ugh. I-I’m s-sorry.” Taehyung buried his face in his hands. How much more embarassing can this get?

To his surprise, Jimin put a hand on his shoulder, chortling. “It’s okay, Taehyungie. Breathe deeply then tell me what you wanted me to hear,” he comforted Tae.

At that moment, with the wind in Jimin’s hair, the yellow orange rays of the sun kissing his face, and a tender smile painted on his lips, Taehyung fell for Jimin even more. Nothing else mattered, just him and this boy. Taehyung and Jimin. That’s all that mattered. Everything else was white noise.

“I like you, Jimin. And if you’ll have me, I’d like to date you,” Taehyung said with more confidence than he thought he had.

Jimin beamed at him. “I’m so glad you decided to tell me. I like you, too, Tae.”

The bench Tae and Jimin were sitting on in the playground has witnessed a lot of things through the course of  the years. And if it could talk about interesting events that happened that day alone, it would tell you about a new couple and the joy that young love brings. It would also tell you of the anguish and pain that came with that same love, as was seen in the swollen doe eyes of the dark-haired young man who sat there after the light-haired couple take their leave with their fingers intertwined.

✧. ⋆ ⊹

Things went back to normal between Taehyung and Jungkook. Tae no longer avoided Jungkook in class. They went to school and back home together again, as in old times. Most importantly, Tae was not awkward around Jungkook. But maybe that was because he didn’t have the time to be awkward around Jungkook, seeing as his boyfriend Jimin liked the boy.

Jungkook kept his end of the bargain. Or at least he tried. He tried to not feel jealous of Jimin every time Tae brought him food. He tried not to roll his eyes everytime Tae gushed about Jimin. And he tried to look away and not feel hurt every time Tae kissed Jimin. It was like a routine he tried to get used to. There were days when it was all good, but there were also days when Jungkook would cry himself to sleep.

It would have been infinitely easier for Jungkook if Jimin was a jerk. But he wasn’t. He was a complete sweetheart, and Jungkook understood why Taehyung liked him. He just wished Jimin wasn’t so amazing so he could hate the boy for stealing his best friend.

Needless to say, Jimin became a part of Tae’s and Jungkook’s lives.  The only thing Jimin had not made his presence known to was their stargazing ritual. And Jungkook intended to keep it that way.

So when Taehyung told Jungkook that he was bringing Jimin along, Jungkook saw red.

“Why is Jimin coming?” he almost shouted. “Stargazing is our thing. You and me. Taehyung and Jungkook,” Jungkook gestured to himself and Tae with both hands. “That’s our thing.”

“Please, Ggukie? Just for tonight. It’s our first month together,” Taehyung said, kneeling in front of Jungkook who was sitting on their porch stairs.

Jungkook opened his mouth. Then closed it only to open and sew his mouth shut again. “Oh, right,” he managed to say after a few seconds.

“Please, Ggukie? For me?” Taehyung pleaded, looking up at him from his lashes and rubbing his palms together.

“Okay, but I’m not driving him home.”

That evening, the three of them laid down on a blanket Taehyung brought. Taehyung in the middle with Jimin to his right and Jungkook on his left. And although Tae was physically there, Jungkook felt like he was alone with a boy and a stranger he used to call his best friend.

Every month since, Jimin has been going with them to their special spot. Jungkook has gotten used to this by now. He was slowly accepting the fact that things will never be the same again with Taehyung. It still stung, but the pain gets lessened every single day.

All thanks to Yoongi.

“Jungooah,” Yoongi whined. “Don’t forget about my game tomorrow, okay?” he said as he sat on Taehyung’s table, waiting for Jungkook to finish packing his things.

Jungkook laughed at his friend’s pouty face. “If you nag me one more time, I’m not watching.”

Yoongi scoffed. “Fine. After we win, your bratty ass is treating me to coffee tomorrow, so bring money,” he swatted Jungkook’s arm before dashing out of the room towards the temporary freedom from school that is Friday.

“If you even win!” Jungkook shouted, following Yoongi closely behind, not bothering to wait for Taehyung who was waiting for his boyfriend to walk him home.

✧. ⋆ ⊹

The gym was packed with people holding hotdogs and banners supporting their favorite team. Jungkook was holding churros and a banner that said, “YOONGI! SHOOT THE BALL OR I’M NOT BUYING YOU COFFEE!”

He picked a seat on the second row of the bleachers, right above his schools team, and busied himself with looking for Yoongi. His eyes found the pale boy soon enough. Yoongi was practice shooting with his team, getting ready for the game.

“Min Yoongi!!!” Jungkook shouted, waving his banner for his friend to see.

Yoongi turned and found him immediately, flashing his warm gummy smile that disarmed many a boy and girl in their school. He shook his head at Jungkook, pointing at the banner the latter had made fro him. His other teammates sniggered at the sign and started elbowing him, with his closest teammate Hoseok going as far as putting him in a headlock and jumping around the court. So much so that their coach had to intervene and put them in line.

Jungkook sat down with a satisfied smile on his face and ate his churros while waiting for the game to start. And when it did, Jungkook forgot about eating the poor thing, and started waving it around like one of those kpop lightsticks fans used in concerts every time Yoongi had possession of the ball, dusting himself and everyone around him with sugar and cinnamon powder.

True to his word, Yoongi helped his team win the game, scoring the most points in his team. This meant that they're playing in the championship games. Jungkook beamed with pride as Yoongi's teammates hoisted him up their shoulders. Approaching the team, Jungkook waited for Yoongi with his hands in his pockets.

“Jeon!”

Jungkook turned to see Hoseok smiling at him, his lips forming a heart. “Jung! Congratulations, man,” he said, offering Hoseok a hand which the latter took.

“Thanks, man,” Hoseok said as he took Jungkook's hand and hugged the boy, thumping his back as if they had long been buddies. “I heard you owe Yoongi dinner?”

“Dinner? That old man! I said I'll treat him to coffee!” Jungkook corrected Hoseok, who laughed heartily at this revelation.

“Well, then let me rescue him from our team,” he said. He walked towards his team and managed to pry Yoongi away from them.

Yoongi jogged up to Jungkook, gummy smile intact, beads of sweat dripping down his face and hair. “Am I good, or am I good?” he bragged jokingly.

“Shut up, you old geezer. Go shower so we can eat,” Jungkook laughed.

With one last chuckle, Yoongi headed to the lockers to shower and change. And when he finished, he and Jungkook headed to Jungkook's favorite coffee shop. He and Taehyung used to go there before for their cakes and pastries. Taehyung never really liked coffee. It was too bitter for him. But now, Jungkook was  going to the cafe to get coffee with Yoongi.

The pair headed immediately to the coffee shop when Yoongi emerged from the lockers. Although Yoongi asked for just coffee, the pair had so much fun talking and making fun of one another, they lost track of time and parted a few minutes before the sun sets over the horizon.

✧. ⋆ ⊹

When Jungkook reached his house, he saw a forlorn-looking Taehyung waiting for him on the steps of their porch. He jogged up to Tae.

“Hey, Tae. What's—”

“Where were you?” Taehyung cuts him.

“I watched Yoongi's basketball game and we went out for iced coffee after. Why? What's wrong?”Jungkook's brow furrowed. There was something in Taehyung's eyes that he has never seen before. Was it anger?

“So you forgot about my recital and just spent the entire day with Yoongi?”

Fuck. Today was Taehyung's recital. He had completely forgotten!

Jungkook reached a hand out and held his best friend’s arm. “Tae, I'm really sorry. I—”

“Forget it,” Taehyung stood up. “It was just a stupid recital anyway.”

Then he picked up his saxophone case and sulked back to his house.

✧. ⋆ ⊹

It was Friday, 6 days since Taehyung’s saxophone recital. 6 days since Jungkook forgot his recital. 6 days since he last talked to his best friend. The afternoon air blew inside the classroom, making the curtains flutter and the sunlight stream inside, catching Taehyung's eye and making him turn to the window which also happened to be where Jungkook was seated. Jungkook caught his eye, and before Tae could avert his eyes, Jungkook held his wrist in an iron grip.

“Taehyungie,” he pleaded with his doe eyes. He looked adorable even with that scar on his left cheek which usually intimidated other people. “Please, I know saying that I forgot isn't an excuse, but please forgive me. I'd do anything. Please?”

Taehyung sighed. Was he being irrational? Taehyung knew the answer to that question, but he still couldn't help feeling hurt. He was, after all, Jungkook's best friend. And he felt as if Jungkook had recently traded him for Yoongi. He looked at the dark-haired boy once more. “I told you about the recital. Why did you forget? How could you forget? I waited for you to come, Jungkook,” he said, voice aquiver with emotions threatening to escape the wall he had built.

“I'm really sorry, Taehyungie,” Jungkook responded, his face a picture of worry and regret. “I don't know what else to say.”

Taehyung looked at his best friend whose twinkling eyes were full of remorse for not attending his recital. He looked at Jungkook, and he caves, the ends of his lips twitching upward to form a small smile. “Fine. I forgive you. But you ever forget about me again, and I swear, Jeon Jungkook. It’s war,” he told the boy as he averted his eyes and looked at the chalkboard, trying not to smile wider.

“Thank you, Taehyungie! Thank you! I promise I won’t forget anything anymore. Thank you,” Jungkook practically squealed with delight upon hearing his words, getting up and pulling him to his chest for a one-sided hug.

True to his word, Jungkook never again forgot anything that has to do with Taehyung. But that meant Taehyung had to deal with an additional member to their usual trio: Yoongi.

Taehyung never noticed it before. When did his Jungkook and Yoongi become this close? Have they always had this kind of relationship? These were the questions Taehyung asked himself whenever Yoongi ate with them during lunch and fed Jungkook his own food through his chopstick (‘He keeps kissing Jungkook indirectly!’ he would rant to Jimin). These were the questions Taehyung asked himself whenever Yoongi teasingly calls Jungkook bunny, and whenever Jungkook reciprocates with lil meow meow. He tries not to let their “newfound closeness” get to him. Yoongi was a nice guy. Quiet, smart, tenacious, hard-working, and handsome. (Scratch that. He was beautiful. But if he knew he was, he never let it show.) Taehyung tried.

But he couldn’t hide his disappointment when Jungkook told him he was bringing along the pale captain of the school’s basketball team.

Taehyung wasn't exactly thrilled with the thought of Yoongi joining their stargazing night even if he himself initiated Jimin into their “best friends only” ritual. He looked at Jungkook and opened his mouth, poised to argue that Jimin was his boyfriend and Yoongi was just Jungkook’s friend, but Jungkook beat him to it.

“Now I know it’s different with Jimin because he’s your boyfriend, but Yoongi is a special friend to me, too. I want to show him our spot,” Jungkook insisted.

‘He sounds serious,’ Taehyung thought. “Fine. He can go,” he conceded, earning him a kiss on the cheek from the dark-haired boy.

The kiss made him feel nice, warm, and fuzzy for the rest of the day. Long enough for him to finish their Math test with him in a good mood, but not long enough for him to greet Yoongi warmly when he and Jungkook arrive at their stargazing spot. Even if he brought churros and hot chocolate with him.

“Ooh! Churros!” Jimin clapped happily. Taehyung almost rolled his eyes on his boyfriend.

Yoongi smiled at Jimin, his eyes crinkling. “You want some now? There’s enough for all of us until the wee hours of the morning.”

“It’s a school night, Yoongi. We’re not staying until daybreak,” Taehyung said, feeling a bit smug about passive-aggressively antagonizing Yoongi.

“Oh, that’s okay. You and Jimin can go home. Yoongi and I are staying. I told mom and dad I’ll stay with Yoongi to watch Pluto rise. They know,” Jungkook swooped in.

“Oh, okay,” Tae responded intelligently. Luckily, Jimin was busy getting a churro to notice the change in his mood.

“I’ll put this at the back of the truck, then. Don’t want the bugs to eat everything,” Yoongi said after Jimin successfully wrestled one from the pack.

Jungkook sat nonchalantly beside Taehyung. Tae turned to his best friend. “You’re really staying up to see Pluto?”

Jungkook looked at him, his eyes twinkling in the dark. “Yeah. Yoongs wants to see Pluto. Why?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Taehyung replied, looking back up at the sky.

Suddenly, Jungkook stands up again. “I think I want hot chocolate,” he declared, rushing to the back of the pickup where Yoongi was still keeping the churros and the hot chocolate. “Wants some?”

Tae shook his head, not wanting to consume anything that Yoongi brought. Yoongi was stealing Jungkook from him, and he did not like it. Jungkook was his best friend, but now, Tae felt like he was slowly losing Jungkook, the one person who truly knew him, all of him. He knew, though, that Jungkook was happy whenever he was with Yoongi.

‘Jungkook is happy whenever he’s with Yoongi,’ Taehyung turned the phrase over and over in his head. Then it hit him. Could it be?

His chest tightened.

“I’ll just go get some churros,” Taehyung told Jimin, his voice shaking and his heart beating wildly against his ribcage.

Thankfully, Jimin doesn’t notice. “Get me one more, too, baby.”

Tae got up cautiously and walked slowly towards his pickup, careful not to make a sound. ‘What are so sacred of, Taehyung?’ he asked himself as he clutched his chest. ‘He said he’s just getting hot chocolate.’

Steeling himself, Taehyung forced his right foot to move in front of his left. Then his left in front of his right. He was walking in a snail’s pace towards the back of his pickup, and he hoped Jimin would not notice how long it took him to get churros.

Taehyung knew what he did not want to see. Truthfully, he expected it, but it still hurt to see the pale boy from the school’s basketball team gently cradle his best friend’s face as they kiss at the back of his pickup truck under the light of the moon. It hurt to see Jungkook wrap his arms around Yoongi’s waist to pull him closer. It hurt to see Jungkook’s eyes light up—he way they used to light up when he looked at him—as he lovingly looked at Yoongi.

And now Taehyung understood. Friends could break your heart, too.

✧. ⋆ ⊹

Jungkook did know what happened. One moment, he was getting hot chocolate and bantering with Yoongi about the boy wanting to spend the entire day with him, and the next thing he knew, Yoongi was gently cupping his cheeks, leaning into him, and kissing him. And it wasn’t just the kind of kiss friends shared. It was a kiss kiss--the kind of kiss couples shared. The kind of kiss that led one thing to another in movies.

And he wasn’t going to lie. He had fantasized about kissing a boy all his life. Well, to be perfectly honest, he had fantasized about kissing Taehyung all his life. He wanted his first kiss to be Taehyung. But with Taehyung being in a relationship with Jimin, he has had to set the dream aside. He just didn’t think he’d get his first kiss this soon. And that it came from none other than Yoongi just blew his mind away.

“You alright?” Yoongi asked as soon as he broke the kiss. He slowly dragged his thumbs across Jungkook's cheeks back and forth, and it made Jungkook dizzy.

“Yeah,” the Jungkook boy managed to say.

Yoongi looked him in the eyes. “I hope that was okay. You have no idea how long I've been wanting to do that.”

“B-but why?” Jungkook asked the pale boy.

Yoongi chuckled at the wide-eyed, bewildered look on his friend’s face. “I like you.”

“Why?”

“Because I do. Do I need to justify why?”

“I-I just don’t understand-”

“Jungooah,” Yoongi interrupted, tutting. “You are an amazing person. Anyone with two eyes and a heart would be able to see and feel that.” Yoongi looked at Jungkook with soft eyes. “I hope it’s okay for me to like you.”

Jungkook gulped, cupping his own cheeks, unsuccessfully trying to hide his blush from Yoongi. “I… It’s okay. No! It’s more than okay. I’m sorry, I just-”

“Jeon Jungkook. Why are you getting flustered. I’m not asking for anything in return. Why are you getting flustered?” Yoongi asked. “No pressure. I just hope you’re okay with me liking you more than a friend.”

Jungkook nodded wordlessly. It was hard to wrap his head around it, how someone as awesome as Yoongi could like him that way.

Jungkook kept thinking about it the entire night, well until the following day. He wasn't the only one who kept thinking about it, though. Taehyung was, too.

✧. ⋆ ⊹

‘They kissed. They kissed. Jungkook and Yoongi kissed.’

Taehyung kept replaying the scene over and over in his head. ‘So what if they did?’ asked a small voice at the back of his mind. ‘Jungkook isn't your boyfriend.’

‘Yes, he isn't. But I still feel betrayed,’ he shot back at himself. It was driving him crazy, knowing that the two kissed. The fact that he was there when it happened and Jungkook didn't tell him about it rubbed salt on the wound. He was annoyed. Irked beyond belief. He was hurt.

And everytime he saw Jungkook glance at Yoongi across the classroom, everytime Jungkook blushed, Taehyung felt as if an arrow dipped into a hot cauldron of potent and freshly-brewed poison called jealousy was shot right through his heart.  

So when he and Jungkook walked home together, he decided to grab the opportunity to talk to Jungkook about it.

“Jungkook,” he started, his voice quiet and steady, hiding the feelings that were bubbling beneath, threatening to boil and spill over what's left of their friendship.

“Hmm?” was all he got from Jungkook.

Taehyung looked at his best friend and saw that he had a faraway look in his eyes. Was he still thinking about their kiss? “Jungkook, do you like Yoongi?”

“What?” the dark-haired boys head snapped to his direction, his eyes wide, cheeks burning red.

“You heard me. Do you like Yoongi?”

“I-- why do you ask?” Jungkook stammered.

“I… I saw you two kiss. Last night,” Taehyung said. His throat constricted, and he felt short of breath. Balling his fists, he stopped walking, forcing Jungkook to stop, turn, and look him in the eyes.

His friend's face was beet red. “Y-yes, we kissed last night. He told me he liked me,” Jungkook raised both of his hands to squeeze his cheeks as if to test if he was merely dreaming.

This irritated Taehyung even more. “So, what? You're dating now?” he snapped at his friend.

“Tae,” Jungkook said. He heard the poison in Tae's voice. “What's wrong? What are you talking to me like that?”

“Gee, I don't know, Jungkook,” Taehyung raised his voice. “Maybe I don't like Yoongi.”

Jungkook, who was still walking, halted and stopped just behind Taehyung. “What's your problem?”

Taehyung turned to him. “My problem?” His fists were balled, and he was shaking. “My problem, Taehyung, is that this Min Yoongi guy is stealing my best friend from me!”

“Yeah, like Jimin didn’t do that to me months ago,” Jungkook retorted, face taking on a reddish purple hue from rage.

“What does Jimin have to do with this?” Taehyung shouted. “We’re talking about us. Our friendship!”

Tae took a few steps forward. Jungkook found his face inches away from his best friend’s.

Taking a shaky breath, Taehyung said, “I don’t want to share you with anyone, Tae.”

Silence.

Seconds, maybe minutes, passed with Jungkook simply staring at the blond boy in front of him.

“That’s very selfish of you, Tae. You already have Jimin. Please let me be happy.”

“Does Yoongi really make you happy? I thought you loved me.” Taehyung’s throat constricted. Jungkook loved him, right?

“Stop being a selfish jerk, Taehyung. I know I was the one who asked us to remain friends, but at least give me this. Let me get over you.” Then Jungkook walked away, never once looking back.

✧. ⋆ ⊹

They say a broken friendship can be a comma or a full stop. All you have to do is choose. Frankly, Jungkook did not quite know where he stands with Taehyung. It’s been two months give or take, and they still have not exchanged a word.

Probably because he and Yoongi started dating.

Why wouldn't they? Yoongi liked him, and he liked Yoongi. And when the entire school heard about them, they suddenly became the most popular couple in school. This meant Taehyung and Jimin avoided them all the more. Well, to be honest, Jimin was still warm and friendly, but since he was Taehyung's boyfriend, he kept to Taehyung and his other friends.

Being with Yoongi was like a dream. He was always there for Jungkook, always so supportive, kind and caring. He showered Jungkook with love and affection, always made sure Jungkook knew how much he loved him through his actions. Stolen kisses here and there. Hand holding. Songs and poetry written just for Jungkook. He was the best boyfriend Jungkook could ever wish for.

But Jungkook missed his best friend. He missed Taehyung. He missed stargazing with him on weekdays and getting in trouble for it. He missed telling Taehyung how he sucked at playing the saxophone just so he could get Taehyung to play Overwatch with him instead. He missed them doing their homework together. He missed movie nights. He missed everything about Taehyung.

He tried not to let it show. He doesn’t want Yoongi to know. So he threw himself into his relationship with Yoongi. He never missed a basketball game, made sure to put the poems Yoongi wrote for him at the covers of his notebooks so he could read them and Yoongi could see him reading them. He never forgot date night. He was doing a good job of being the perfect boyfriend to Yoongi just as Yoongi was to him.

Jungkook was mentally checking his perfect boyfriend list that Friday afternoon at the coffee shop they frequented every weekend after school when Yoongi suddenly spoke.

“I think we should stop seeing each other, Jungoo,” Yoongi said, looking Jungkook in the eye as he played with the handle of his mug.

Jungkook was dumbfounded. He looked at his boyfriend, his eyes wide with the need to understand. “What did you say?”

“I see it in your eyes, Jungooah. There is fondness in them, but there is no love,” said Yoongi.

“Are you dumping me, Yoongi?” Jungkook laughed albeit nervously.

Yoongi laughed with Jungkook. “I can tell everyone you dumped me, if you want to.”

“It’s… It’s not that, Yoongi. I--” Jungkook started.

“It’s okay. I understand, Jungkook. And I don’t think less of you. This is what’s best for both of us,” Yoongi said. He reached out across the table to hold Jungkook’s hand.

“I’m sorry, Yoongi.”

“Don’t be. I knew what I was getting myself into. I just hoped you fell for me the way I did for you,” Yoongi shrugged.

Jungkook sighed. “What gave it away?”

“Well,” Yoongi said, a wry smile decorating his features. “The way you looked at Taehyung.”

“I see,” the younger boy responded, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

“You should talk to him, by the way. I’m sure he’d be happy to know we’re no longer together,” the pale boy said as he pushed his chair back.

Jungkook looked at him. “Wait. what do you mean?”

“I’ll go ahead. I’ll see you around?”

“Yes. Yes, of course,” responded Jungkook.

Yoongi stood up, so did Jungkook. The pair held hands inside the quaint little coffee shop. Their coffee shop. Finally, after seconds of staring into each other’s eyes, Yoongi leaned in and pressed his lips to Jungkook’s one last time before walking towards the door without looking back, leaving Jungkook staring at his first ex-boyfriend.

✧. ⋆ ⊹

It was Saturday evening. Jungkook, who was recently very much single and didn’t have anything good to do at home, decided to go do some stargazing. It has been quite a while since he went there. He needed a quiet place to process the events from the previous day, and it was the only place he could think of.

He didn't take his dad's car. Instead, he walked to the meadow, wanting as much quiet and solitude as possible.

When he was almost there, a sudden thought popped into his head. “What if Taehyung's there?” he asked himself.

“So what if he's there? He doesn't own the place. He can leave if he does not like seeing you there, Jungkook,” he thought out loud. “Great, now I'm talking to myself.”

All his bravado left, however, the moment he noticed the blond boy who was already occupying his spot, sitting on a light blue blanket spread over the soft grass.

Jungkook looked at the back of the boy’s blond head, trying to figure out what the best thing to do was.

“You can sit beside me. If you want to, that is,” Taehyung suddenly spoke, eyes still trained on the stars.

Jungkook cleared his throat. “Thank you.” He made his way towards his best friend who scooted to one side of the blanket to make room for him. He glanced at Taehyung, but the boy was still staring at the sky.  

“Is it true you dumped Yoongi?”  

Jungkook laughed. “It’s just been a day. News sure does spread fast. That’s what he really said? Yoongi’s so... insufferable. He’s the one who dumped me. He told me I can tell everyone I broke up with him, but...” Jungkook just laughed. Yoongi was too nice.

“So he dumped you? Why? If you don’t mind,” Taehyung asked.

The other boy sighed softly. “He said he can see it in my eyes, that i’m fond of him but I don’t love him.”

Taehyung just nodded, seemingly understanding  

“What about you? How are things with Jimin?” Jungkook asked.

“I broke up with him. It's been a month,” Taehyung responded, his voice quiet.

“Oh,” Jungkook looked at his best friend. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Taehyung shook his head. “Nah. Don’t be. I shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with him in the first place.”

Jungkook was puzzled. “What do you mean? I thought you loved him?”

Taehyung looked at Jungkook for the first time since he arrived. “I thought I did, too. Turns out I loved someone else” Taehyung gazed meaningfully at Jungkook.

After an awkward second or two of silence, the blond boy cleared his throat. “Listen, Jungkook. I know the past months have been so… bizarre. And I know I might have permanently damaged our friendship, but I hope you can give me--us--another chance.”

Jungkook twiddled his thumbs. He was quiet for quite a while, but Taehyung didn’t seem to mind.

When he finally spoke, Jungkook asked, “Are you sure? About your feelings for me, I mean?”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life, Jungkook,” Taehyung, the blond boy next to him, his best friend, his first love responded. Taehyung’s  eyes were twinkling under the dark night sky, Jungkook noticed.

Jungkook nodded. “You know I never really stopped loving you, Tae,” he said, his voice barely a whisper.

“I know,” Taehyung responded.  “I’m sorry. I was a fool for not knowing my own feelings.”

“Ah, well. You know. Feelings are complicated,” Jungkook shrugged.

Taehyung nodded wordlessly.

Jungkook cleared his throat. “So… Wanna see Pluto tonight?”

✧. ⋆ ⊹

The house was alight with laughter and chatter, with relatives and friends trying to catch up, getting to know what has been going on in whose life. It was a pain, really, having that much people in their house. But what could Jungkook tell his mother? That he wanted to be alone on such an important night? Most certainly not! Especially on such a special day like this.

“There’s my baby brother!” a familiar voice bellowed from across the room. “I’ve missed you!”

“Namjoon hyung!” Jungkook stood from his spot on the couch to welcome his brother home. “So now you only come home when there’s a party? Typical.”

Namjoon hugged Jungkook as he chuckled at his younger brother’s humor. “Come on now. You know that’s not true. But I wouldn’t miss my favorite brother’s special day!”

Jungkook rolled his eyes. “Yeah, cause I’m your only brother. Get in there. Mom’s looking for you. She’s in the kitchen.”

“Alright, alright. I’m starving anywa--”

“Namjoon hyung!”

Namjoon and Jungkook turned to the source of the voice. “Taehyung!” Namjoon called back. “Well, look at you! Congratulations!” he said, hugging his brother’s best friend.

“Thank you, hyung!” Taehyung hugged him back. “You got here just now?”

“Yes, I have,” Namjoon responded, relinquishing his hold on Taehyung. “And I’m actually starving. Let’s catch up later after I’ve filled up my tank, okay?” he said as he ruffled both boys’ hair before making his way to the kitchen.

“Yeah, later, hyung,” Taehyung waved at the older boy.

Jungkook cleared his throat. “Wanna get out of here?”

“Jungkook,” Taehyung laughed. “We can’t go, your mom threw this party for us!”

Jungkook snorted. “So you wanna stay in this party all night while people continuously congratulate us?”

“That’s not what--”

“Come on, Tae. It’s just our high school graduation party. No one will miss us,” the dark-haired boy nudged the blond.

Taehyung rolled his eyes. “Fine. Pluto?”

✧. ⋆ ⊹

The full moon shined brightly over the earth that night, illuminating things that have been and that are, as well as opening the eyes to things that are new.  And as Jungkook and Taehyung gazed at the star-speckled sky while they laid inside the younger boy’s dad’s Palisade, Jungkook basked in the familiarity of his love for Taehyung.

It has been 3 months since Yoongi broke up with him. Since Taehyung admitted his feelings for Jungkook. They have never really talked about it again with both of them wanting to take their time. One can’t hurry love, and that was one lesson both of them learned the hard way. But now, Jungkook was sure. He had never been more certain than anything in his life before.

“The moon’s so big,” Taehyung observed. “Isn’t it beautiful just like this?”

Jungkook, who was gazing lovingly at the other boy, suddenly moved and hovered over Tae.

“Jungkook, what are you doing?” the startled blond asked, cheeks visibly reddening despite the pale moonlight.

“The moon is great, but I’d rather look at something even more beautiful,” Jungkook answered. His heart hammered in his chest and his blood roared in his ears.

Taehyung chuckled. “That’s funny, cause I’m looking at something beautiful, too,” he responded. “You are my moon, Jungkookie. And my moon is great and beautiful.”

[didiletyouknooow]

30. Hard To Concentrate

Hey,

finally a new chapter! I hit the 30!!!  Thank you for reading! I’m always happy to see that people like my story and give me feedback. This chapter is a very long one but I didn’t want to split it.  So I hope you have fun reading it ;) __________

After a night full of tears and incomprehension I woke up the next day completely damaged. With headache from hell, red tear-stained eyes and dark circles under my eyes I took a shower and hoped to feel better afterwards. But it was just a thought. The pain doesn’t go away just because you think you shower it all off. Instead it stays deep in your heart, in your mind, in your whole body.

I still couldn’t understand why Josh ended our relationship. I just couldn’t get it. Sure, we had some issues and we were fighting sometimes but I thought we could make it. We could talk about it and find a solution. I really thought our relationship was stronger than every other relationship I had before. We didn’t know each other for a very long time but I always thought our feelings were real. When I looked him in the eyes I always had the feeling that he feels the same way that I do. Maybe I was wrong.

He didn’t really justify his decision why he broke up with me. The only thing that he said was that he couldn’t do it anymore. And I was thinking: what couldn’t he do anymore? Our different lives? He, the musician who was always on the road and me, the teacher in Pasadena. Was it my jealousy? I thought I handled it in the last two months. Or didn’t he feel the same for me anymore? He didn’t tell me. He just went away and it was so shocking for me.

 I knew that he would leave for the next tour leg in Europe tomorrow. While Anthony had to travel to the UK yesterday to do an interview in a TV show, the others had to leave for Europe two days later.

So I decided to drive to Josh so that I could at least take my stuff with me. I thought if I would take it now I wouldn’t need to go and meet him when he would be back home in three weeks. So I could start to get over it now – and not in three weeks after seeing him again.

Driving isn’t easy when you always have the feeling that you have to cry. I tried so hard not to cry but I had to stop at the roadside for a moment to calm down and to wipe my tears away. After two more stops I finally arrived in El Sereno. Josh’s car was parking in the driveway and the door was open so I thought he would be there. But there was also another car parking in the driveway.  

I parked my car behind Josh’s car, like always. It looked like the cars belonged to each other. I know it sounds silly but every time I saw our cars parking next to each other in his driveway I had the feeling that everything’s fine. It was bullshit, I knew. But it was my illusion I guess. So I left the car and went inside his house. I was wondering why the door was open. 

“Josh?” I called in the corridor but no one answered. “Are you there? I just want to take my stuff with me. Then I’ll leave” I let him know. But again, no one answered. I went a few steps into the house and looked into the kitchen and the living room. No one was there. His bathroom was closed. I looked in my hands that were still holding his keys. Suddenly I heard some noises. “Josh?” I repeated. Someone was coming downstairs. “Josh is not here” a familiar voice told me. It was Eric. “Oh, where is he?” “He left for their next tour leg in Europe.” “When?” “Two hours ago. I don’t know why he wanted to leave today on his own when they would travel tomorrow by private jet” “Oh” “Wait….you didn’t know that?” “No” “But I thought he….didn’t he tell you?” “No…” I paused because I noticed some tears in my eyes while saying the next words. Eric was looking at me with a wondering face. “We broke up yesterday. Well, actually he broke up” I said while my voice almost broke.

“You’re kidding?” Eric seemed to be very shocked about my words. I shook my head. “No, it’s the truth.” “But why? I thought you were happy together?” “Well….I thought the same. But then we were at Flea’s barbecue party and there was Mia and everything went a bit out of control and afterwards we had a discussion and then yesterday he showed up and I thought we could talk but he just told me that it’s over” when I told Eric about what happened yesterday I had to cry again. It just made me so sad. “Sorry, it’s just….it still hurts” I shivered. “I totally understand you” he said and hugged me. It was completely weird standing in Josh’s house crying, my head on Eric’s shoulder. But I couldn’t hide my tears. “Just let it out” Eric said. I was so thankful that he was there. I didn’t know how I would’ve reacted if I would’ve arrived here completely on my own.

“He didn’t say why he broke up with you?” Eric asked me after a few minutes. “No….not really. The only thing he said was that he couldn’t do it anymore” “Josh….” Eric shook his head. “It’s always the same” “What do you mean?” “He often spoils the luck he could have” “I don’t know if he does it. The only thing I know is that it hurts” “I know and I’m so sorry” Eric said and hugged me again. It was strange. I didn’t know him very well but right now I needed someone who listened to me. “Anyway….the reason I came here is because I wanted to take my stuff with me now so I don’t have to come here when he’s back from touring in three weeks.” “Well….then I guess this is your stuff?” Eric pointed at a box at the floor. It was packed very tidy. “Probably” I said and looked at it. Seems like Josh put all my stuff in this box right before leaving for touring. So he obviously had put our relationship behind him. I knelt down to the box. It was packed very orderly. He even folded my shirts and even a bra. There were also some books in it he borrowed from me. I bet he didn’t finish them yet. It was so painful to see that everything we shared in the last months fitted in one small box. It wasn’t even a moving box. It was smaller. I didn’t even have anything of him in my apartment except of one sweater that I kept because he told me a few weeks ago I can keep it.

“Seems like this is everything I had here in his house. Everything folded and packed cleanly and orderly in this box. It’s so sad” I commented and took the box with me. Eric followed me to our cars, so obviously it was his car that was also parking in the driveway. “By the way what did you do here?” I wanted to change the topic because otherwise I would end up in tears again. “I borrowed some parts of Josh’s drum kit and I wanted to bring them back today” Eric told me. “I also have a key for his house” he let me know. “Oh okay” “Eileen” he said when I opened my driver’s door. “Do you want to have dinner with Molly and me tonight? She’s now at work but if you’d like you can come with me so you’re not alone at home” I thought about it a few seconds. “Why not” I then said and rode behind Eric until we arrived at his house.  

Eric’s and Molly’s house was very beautiful. It wasn’t too big but it had enough space for instruments, art and everyone had an own room. “You seem to like art” I commented the paintings on the wall. “Yes, Molly’s sister painted them” Eric told me. “Oh really?” “She’s an artist and she’s teaching at NYU” “Very cool!” “Do you want to have a drink?” he asked me. I nodded and a few minutes later he handed me a non alcoholic mojito. “Wow, that’s good!” I said after drinking it. “Where did you learn to mix it?” “I worked as bartender for a very long time” he laughed. “Tastes great!”

“So what happened the other day at Flea’s party?” Eric asked me. “If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s totally okay” “No….actually I’d like to talk with someone about it because I haven’t talked to anyone since our break up. Not even my brother” “I know the feeling” “But I don’t know if I should tell you all these things….I mean you and Josh are good friends and I don’t want to destroy anything” “Eileen” Eric laughed. “We’re grown up people. He won’t be upset because I talked to you” “Okay….you’re right” I sighed. “Well Mia got very insulting and she said cruel words to me so afterwards I couldn’t understand why Josh can still be friends with someone like her” “Hm yes….she’s very complicated. Where she is, there is trouble” “That’s what I told him! Exactly these words! But he said that she’s alone because her fiance broke up with her and it’s a difficult time blablabla….” “I don’t know what the matter with Mia is…but…Josh is always so intimidated when she’s around. He can’t say anything against her. Not even two years after their break up” “Yes….I don’t know why he acts like this. I thought he loved me and I really thought our relationship lasts longer. But I guess I was wrong” “I bet he still loves you. Josh can’t forget something like that from one day to the next” Eric told me. “But it seems like he can quit something cold turkey” “Hmmm….I don’t even think so. It’s just his fear” “Which fear?” “I guess – and that’s just my opinion he never told me about it – but I guess he’s afraid of being in a relationship. Afraid of this emotional closeness. Afraid of the every day routine a relationships develops. Afraid of being too much in love, feeling too much so that you’re feeling too lost when it’s over. Breaking up with Mia completely destroyed him. He wasn’t the same for a few months. I wasn’t on tour with him the whole time but the one week I accompanied him and the Chilis as a friend he was completely out of control. He drank a lot, got pissed off very easily. I could barely speak to him and I’m his best friend.” “I’m sorry to hear that. I mean, I’ve heard Molly talking about Josh’s behavior at that time but he never told me exactly how he felt” “It was hard for him. I guess it would be hard for every one of us” “Well I experienced something similar” “So you can understand his pain” “Absolutely!” “And I guess you know that Josh is a complicated character.” Eric said. “He often does things on his own, always being hell-bent on getting his own way. It’s not easy when you’re in a band but I guess it’s not easy when you’re in a relationship as well”

“It isn’t but I could handle it” I told him. “He is very complicated but at the same time he’s the cutest, greatest, nicest, most humble guy on earth.” “He is!” “Do you think he will come back to his bad behavior now that we broke up?” “Na, I don’t think so. I mean, he obviously had a reason to break up, I know it sounds hard. But he obviously thought about it for some time – at least a few days. So he was prepared for the pain I guess. It’s a completely different situation like back in the days with Mia” “I know….and I’m still questioning what I did wrong” “I bet you did nothing wrong. It’s just Josh’s weird thoughts, emotions. It’s his character. He didn’t want to be too close” “But why? We were happy!” “Maybe he felt that it could go wrong in the future so he wanted to end it before it gets too deep. You know, when you’re moving in together it’s more difficult to call it quits. Someone has to move out, it’s so painful. The lives of both persons change” “But now it isn’t any different. He broke up with me. I’m completely damaged and hurt. He’s away on tour. We didn’t live together but most of the time we stayed in his house. I barely slept in my bed in the last weeks. Only when he was on tour.” I told Eric. “You know what, honestly it’s very ironic that in the end of our nine month relationship everything I have to take back home from his house are a few shirts, a bra, some books and my second charger for my phone. He even gave it back. We have the same phone so he could’ve keep it. But no he didn’t. Instead he put it in my box. I didn’t even bring my own toothbrush with me. He always had a new one for me there. When I slept there I always brought a small bag with me with everything I needed. But every time I went back home I took it with me again. When we were staying in my apartment he only brought a backpack with some clothes. We never started to leave our stuff in each others homes” “Hm….but I think this is typical for Josh. He wouldn’t leave much of his stuff in other people’s home” “But I’m his girlfriend….well at least I was” “I know….as I already told you. Josh is a complicated character who often feels misunderstood and insecure. It’s just his character” “It is….my mind says that maybe he can’t take it anymore but my heart feels broken” “You’re hurt very much and I’m so sorry that it’s one of my best friends who did this to you but I hope that you’ll feel better soon and maybe you two can figure it out when Josh is back from tour” “I hope so too but right now I don’t see us figuring out anything” “Don’t be so negative” Eric smiled at me and handed me some chocolate. “You’re a good guy. You know what women want” I cracked a smile. “Well, most of the time it’s chocolate or wine and sometimes women want men” “But only the good ones!” “Only!”

When Molly came home she was surprised seeing me sitting in her living room. Eric told her the reason why I was there. As you might guess, Molly was shocked as well when she heard about Josh’s and my break up. Now I guess Josh not only shocked me with ending our relationship, he even shocked all of his friends with his decision. It’s like no one thought we would break up.

 Back home I binge watched some episodes of “Sex And The City”. Big broke up with Carrie – again. I feel you sister! Tequila became my new best friend at night. I think without it I couldn’t sleep. Watching something on TV until finally falling asleep was only a way to avoid being alone with my thoughts. But although I tried to distract me from our break up I wondered what Josh was doing now. Did he arrive safety in Europe? Did he really travel on his own? Where did he stay? I bet he stayed in the UK because he had some friends there. But truth is, I didn’t know anything about him right now. Usually he texted me or called me when he arrived at his designation. But this time he didn’t. It’s not that I expected him to contact me. It only felt very strange not to hear from him.

I looked up his Facebook profile but he didn’t post anything in the last weeks so it wasn’t helpful. But the Facebook messenger showed me that he was online two hours ago so he must’ve arrived safety in Europe – wherever he was. While I was scrolling through my Facebook feed I saw some pictures of a friend from school. She married last year and now she was pregnant. Well, it’s strange how lives can develop in such a different direction I thought. What if I would have a baby now?

It wasn’t easy going back to work for the last weeks before our official summer vacation. I think I only got into survival mood. The students even asked me if everything is okay when they noticed some tears in my eyes while looking out of the window. Yes, kids. Everything’s fine. A-Ok. When I came back home from work I was always doing the same: checking my mails and social media because there was still one little dawn of hope that Josh could’ve messaged me. But he didn’t. Of course. Why should he message me? Because I was too lazy to cook I ordered some food and ate very unhealthy in the last days. Pizza, Thai food, Chinese, burger. I think I almost tried every fast food restaurant in my hood.

Finally I got to talk to Marc. He was shocked as well when he heard about Josh and my break up. But he listened to me the whole night and didn’t hang up when I started crying. He tried to calm me down and to cheer me up. I knew that he felt sorry for me and I knew that it was one of the hardest times for him seeing his little sister feeling sad because of a guy. I guess this time it was very hard for him because he didn’t only get along very well with Josh, he even liked the Chili Peppers very much. It was THE band of his teenage years. I felt so bad that I kind of destroyed his love for their music with dating Josh. But he told me that I shouldn’t feel bad because what happened to me was life and it was private. He can differentiate it so he will start listen to them when he’s ready again.

I noticed that he was very mad at Josh. He didn’t understand why he broke up with me and neither did I, neither did Eric or Molly. It was like a huge mystery. Josh was the mystery guy. Even his friends didn’t really know him.

I noticed that I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts and my emotions and all these pictures in my head. So I started binge watching like every show that was on Netflix. I finally started watching “Californication”. Josh once told me that the Chilis didn’t like the show and they argued that the title was stolen from them. Well, I didn’t know if it was true or not I only knew that I started to love the show! Hank Moody is one of the biggest assholes in TV history but he’s such a nice, charming and funny asshole. At least I didn’t have to explain Josh why I loved this show since I guess that I never will see him again – at least not now. But the fact that I fled from my thoughts and emotions didn’t mean that I didn’t cry. I did. I did it a lot.

Every night I was lying in my bed – the same bed I shared with Josh in the last months – and stared to the ceiling. It was completely dark in my bedroom. I usually liked darkness but this time I hated it. I felt so alone. So lonely. I didn’t feel like that for a very long time. I cried so much, I didn’t know that one can cry so much. Like a whole lake full of tears in my bed. It needed a lot of make-up and concealer to cover this damage from my face when I woke up the next morning. Every morning. On my last day at work before the vacation my students gave me a little present. It was a calendar for the next school year. I was so overwhelmed by emotions that I started crying. They even asked me if I was pregnant – well I was a way tooooo far away from being a mother I guess. But it was very kind of them giving me a present.

  After getting home in my silent apartment I realized that I missed Josh. There was no one waiting for me, no one to share my vacation with. I missed every fiber of his body. I missed his smile. I missed his nose. I missed his eyes. I missed his moles. I even missed his bad behaviors. I missed us. As a couple. As lovers. But I also missed us as friends because beside us being a couple Josh became a very good friend. We could talk for hours about music, about philosophy, about books, even about hot dogs. Talking with him was always funny. I loved watching him talking about music and instruments. He kind of flourished when he could talk about music. I guess that was also the only thing in life that saved him. It was his basic. For him it wasn’t easy leaving school so early and then starting to be a musician. I mean, how can you know that it will come true? That you can make it? That you can fulfill your dreams you had when you were a little 15 year old teenage boy? I was so proud of him and what he archived in life. Sometimes I had the feeling he didn’t see it.

Thinking about him and us brought me back to tears. It wasn’t the same now as when Steve and I broke up. I was completely heartbroken when Steve and I called it quits. But I guess now I knew why I felt so heartbroken and alone: I lost my daily routine. Steve and I stopped being lovers in the last months before our break-up. Instead we were good friends – with him sleeping with another woman. I guess I missed the idea of us. The illusion of what we could’ve been in the future.

But with Josh it was different. It was the first time I really missed a person. I missed him as the guy who was next to me when I woke up, who listened to me when I felt sad, who was always there for me, treated me good and supported me in every step I took. He was there even when he wasn’t there. I guess now I sadly hat to admit that I never loved someone so much.

 One week after our break-up I decided that I want to pay him back. It was a very lovely gift he gave me when buying the red car I fell in love with. But I couldn’t take it. And I didn’t want to. So I went to the bank and took all of the money I had on my savings account. But it wasn’t enough. I needed more. So I calculated my future expenses and incomes and decided to ask Marc if he can spot me some money. He did. So I finally drove back to El Sereno on this rainy Wednesday to Josh’s house. I still had his keys. I opened the door and went inside – I guess it would be for the last time.

I laid the envelope with the money and my keys on his nightstand next to his bed where he would definitely find it. I wrote a short notice for him.

 Hey Josh,

I know you don’t want the money and you never liked the fact that I wanted to pay you back for the car. It was a gift and I really appreciate it. But I can’t take it. So here’s the money for the car – please take it, don’t bring it back. I don’t want it. It’s for you.

Because when I wouldn’t pay you back it would still be a gift by you and I guess I couldn’t live with the fact that every time I drive my car it reminds me of you. Now it’s my own car. I bought it. 

I still don’t know why you ended our relationship. I guess you had your reasons and I respect them – but this doesn’t mean that I’m not sad because of our break up. I’m still convinced that we could’ve made it. I really believed in us. But it seems that you didn’t.

Whatever, I hope you have fun on tour, fun with the band. You do a really great job there and I’m still very proud of you and of what you’ve archived so far. I guess you’ll have such a great time with the band in the future. I hope you always remind yourself that you’re such a musical genius. It’s just the truth. You make so many people happy with what you do -  with the Chili Peppers, but also with Dot Hacker. I hope you guys never stop making music!

I don’t know why I write these following sentences but in the last days I listened a lot to Elton John and there was one song that reminded me of you: Rocket Man.

I don’t know why, it just reminded me of you. I know you love Elton John and you said you’d like to work with him some time. Maybe it will happen. You’ll never know!

With this words I say goodbye, please don’t contact me – well I guess you won’t do it anyway.

Love, Eileen

 I re-read the letter before I put it back to his nightstand. I knew that he would read it but I knew that he wouldn’t answer it. But I wanted him to know how I felt. When I wanted to leave the bedroom I saw a paper on the floor next to his nightstand.  It was a song text called “Rest Assure” and it was written two days ago according to the date written on the paper. 

“Rest assure there will be more Onslaughts Off days More to endure Outside ain't getting easier Live a long time To look back on before”

I reversed the paper because the lyrics continued on the back. 

“Finally I found you It's not getting any easier I'll cry over it not getting any easier Finally you're here And it's not getting any easier The final straw came when I found that It's not getting any easier”

  Wow. I didn’t know what he meant with these lyrics but I guess it was about our relationship. Seems like he wasn’t happy at all. He wanted something different or something more. Who knows. But I couldn’t hide my tears in the eyes when I read it. Glad that Josh couldn’t see me. I directly left his house and went back to my car where I started to cry. Now it was definitely over. All over.

  July  

4 weeks.

It’s been 4 fucking weeks since Josh called it quits. It was his decision and I had to respect it. I did although I was still very sad. Every day I had to think about him and us. My daily routine during my weeks off from work went from drinking tequila and watching something on Netflix to running and cooking. The last two weeks I spend with cooking much pasta. Pasta with tomatoes, with spinach, with fennel, spaghetti carbonara, Mac’n Cheese, pasta with salmon, tortellini with four sorts of cheese. Afterwards I decided to start doing sports again. During our relationship I lost the focus on sports a bit but I guess now it was the right time to finally start exercise.

Marc and Maggie asked me to join them on their vacation to Oceanside so I came with them. What would I have done instead? I didn’t found an answer.

It was very nice. I never was in Oceanside before but Marc always wanted to go there and they found a little house near the beach. I guess for me it was the best decision of the last weeks to take some time off and leave L.A. for a few weeks. Finally I could sleep again. I didn’t fall asleep every night crying. My heart was still broken but I guess it started to fix itself slowly. We spent most of the time at the beach and with each day passing by my body got a tan more and more. I didn’t know when was the last time I spent some time at the beach? Although I lived in L.A. it was years ago that I went to the beach for such a long time. I mean like spending the whole day at a beach, swimming in the ocean. It was also Noel’s first time at the beach and Maggie and Marc tried her best to protect him from the sun. They bought a big sunshade and he was wearing a big hat that covered his head and his face completely.

When Marc and I went into the ocean for the first time for a short moment it felt like we were kids again. Flashback to the time we went to Santa Barbara with our parents and we directly run into the ocean.

I enjoyed water and the waves and afterwards enjoyed the sun on my skin drying my bikini. I never went to the ocean with Josh. It reminded me that I never saw him in swim shorts. Sure I knew how he looked with boxer shorts and all this but….I didn’t know what he would wear at the beach. Would he wear tight shorts or not? I didn’t know. But thinking about it made me laugh. I didn’t know why but it was funny because it showed me again that I didn’t know everything about him. This was another part of him hiding from me because when I once asked him to spend one day at the beach he didn’t want to – but he never said why.

In the evening we often made barbecue. Maggie and I tried so many different salads that we couldn’t count them anymore. Marc satisfied himself with making steaks, sausage, pork and whatever he wanted to do. It wasn’t very healthy but it tasted SO good!

Spending the time with my brother and his family in Oceanside wasn’t only quite fun, it also prevented me from thinking about Josh ALL THE TIME. I stopped questioning what he was doing – instead I played with Noel the whole day so that my brother and his girlfriend could have a day as a couple. I didn’t stalk him on Facebook – instead I took some yoga classes at the beach. I stopped asking myself what I did wrong – instead I played my brother’s guitar.

It was like the ocean, the beach and the change of scene brought me back to myself. The last weeks were full of thinking, asking, crying, screaming, cursing and eating chocolate the whole day just to stop the pain. But now I started doing something for myself. I did something for me and not for forgetting someone who was still in my mind and my heart. I still didn’t know how I should forget Josh and I still didn’t know if I really should forget him completely – maybe Eric was right and someday we would figure it out? But now I felt that there wouldn’t be a future of Josh and me. 

Molly and I were having a girls night while my brother was taking care of little Noel. We decided to have some drinks at an ocean bar. It was quite nice. We were sitting on a beige couch and had a view at the beach. “It’s so good that I could’ve come with you here to Oceanside. I guess in my apartment in L.A. I would’ve gone completely crazy” “I guess so. It’s always good to take a time out from your every day life after a break up.” Molly agreed with me and took  a sip from her Caipirinha. “But I’m still so shocked that you and Josh broke up” “Well, it wasn’t my decision. But yeah, I’m shocked either. It’s something I still can’t believe although I live with it now for five weeks” “You two looked so happy. He seemed to be such a nice guy. A good guy! I mean, you know, there are so many assholes and idiots out there.” “Yeah, I’ve met some of them” “Me too! And before giving birth to Noel I always thought that there won’t be any guy who I could fell for, who I could trust completely. I was always disappointed by guys. I mean, even Marc and I started as an affair and I guess when someone had told me at that time that some years later we would be a happy family I would’ve laughed at them!” Molly laughed. Her laughter was so infectious. She had some beach waves in her blonde hair because of the ocean and the weather and her blue eyes sparkled at me. She looked so happy. A few weeks back I felt the same. “You know what? Maybe we all have to meet many wrong guys until we finally meet the right guy. Some people meet him right away while others have to be patient with it.” She said. “Well, I thought I’ve met the right guy two times. Can you promise that the third time I will feel this way will finally be the last time because the guy stays?” “It’s not about the guy that is staying because he’s the right guy. It’s about you feeling completely happy with the guy” “I guess I did feel happy” “But you said you fought a lot so there were some issues” “Sure….but who doesn’t have issues in a relationship?” “Marc and I don’t have issue about jealousy…” “Hmm…so do you think I destroyed it?” “No I don’t think so. But I think if you really trust someone then jealousy isn’t an issue. You know what I mean?” “Yes, kind of” “Maybe you couldn’t trust him, whatever. Maybe you still don’t know why you couldn’t trust him. Sometimes we don’t find the answers to every emotion we feel or every step we take” “Maybe….” “Do you miss him?” “Like…every day?” I looked at her. There she brought me back to my feelings of the last weeks. “Do you think he misses you?” “I hope so.” “I guess he does. I don’t know him very well but the way he looked at you, the way he treated you, how he kissed you….I only saw it a few times but I guess I’m good in reading body language and I think that Josh really loves you. I bet he still does” “But then why did he break up?” “I don’t know” Maggie sighed. “Maybe he was insecure.” “I found a song text when I went back to his house to bring him back my keys. It fell to the floor so I picked it up and it sounded so sad. Like he was completely unhappy with our relationship” “Maybe you blustered into it?” Maggie asked me. “I mean, in the end every song text is just art and I guess every writer often exaggerates and decorates his lyrics.” “Hm, maybe you’re right”

“Did you ever make a list of the things that bothered you of Josh?” I shook my head. “No, never. Why should I do it?” “Because then you often get an answer of how destroyed the relationship was or how unhappy you felt about certain things” “Hmmm…so what things do you mean?” “Every little tiny thing that bothered you of him” I thought about it for some minutes while Maggie was ordering another cocktail. 

“Well, let’s start with him having no sense of timing! Sometimes when we were having a date or when I was cooking for us because he would come over in a few minutes he was too late. And I mean not being five or ten minutes late. Often it was one hour or even more. Then he apologized and explained me that he had to finish the song, the demo or whatever. He did it very often. I never told him that it bothered me” “Okay….so what’s next?” “Hmmmm….he was a total slob! He didn’t tidy up the table after having dinner. His dishes were piled up in his kitchen for a whole week until he finally put them into the dishwasher. I mean, what’s so complicated in putting them into the dishwasher directly after having dinner?” “I don’t know. Typical for men” “Oh and….I don’t know if it counts” “Why?” “You know what, every time after we made love he had to open the window. I don’t know why? Sometimes it was too cold in the night so I had to get up closing it when he already was in his dreams. He also sometimes punched his arm into my face when he was sleeping. I know he couldn’t control it but it bothered me because I often woke up because of it. I never told him. But I guess the window thing is a quirk” Maggie had to laugh when I told her this story. “Seems like Josh doesn’t like the smell of sex in a room” she giggled. “I don’t know. I never understood it but I have to admit that I never asked him why he did it.” “Like I said….men!” We clinked glasses again.

“While we were speaking of men. I guess now is the right time to tell you something” Maggie started giggling. I was wondering what she wanted to tell me. “I once dated Anthony” “Anthony? Which Anthon….oh” “Yes!” she said and covered her face in her hands. “You mean the real Anthony….Anthony Kiedis????” “Yes” “MAGGIE!!!!” “Exactly…..I know. It’s very shameful isn’t it?” “No…it isn’t. He’s a very good looking guy for his age. He’s not my type of men but I guess there are still many women and girls out there who wouldn’t punch him out of bed” I laughed. “Well….yeah” “But when was it? How long? How was it????” “Hm, it was around 2009 I guess. It was just a few months. I met him in a club in L.A” “And how did you get to know him?” “He flirted with me, ordered me some drinks. It was kind of cliche I guess” “So he hooked up with you?” “Yes….typical cliche. We went to his house and….I don’t know it was very strange and I was kind of drunk. But he was very nice, very gentleman like, you know?” “I can imagine it.” “I thought it was just a one night stand but then he wanted to have my number and he even called! I didn’t do anything to contact him. He was the one calling me. So we had some dates and quiet some fun for a few months” “Sounds funny to me….because I only know him as the singer and the rock star he is and I always wondered who the women in his life are” “Well hello, here is one of them” Maggie joked. “And who ended it?” “I ended it because I didn’t want to do it anymore. I didn’t want to feel like a toy he can call anytime he wants. I had an own life and that wasn’t in this Hollywood scene. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want any fame or so. There were some paparazzis who photographed us when we were walking through Malibu one day. It was so shocking for me that I realized that it isn’t the world I want to live in. So I ended it and a few months later I went to Australia.” “Good decision!” I grinned. “I mean, Anthony was always very politely and nice to me but if you wouldn’t have ended your affair you wouldn’t have met my brother and Noel wouldn’t be here today” “Yeah….so it was quite a good decision. Maybe the best decision I’ve ever made!” Maggie looked very absently in her cocktail and grinned. “You didn’t meet Josh, didn’t you?” “No….I guess he joined the band a few months later”

“But….sorry that I ask you this question, but I have to ask you….was he….” “Yes” Maggie grinned. “It was quite good, you know” ��she giggled. “Crazy story” “But I prefer a trustful relationship” “Totally understandable” “But there is one thing that is completely crazy….do you know the song The adventures of rain dance Maggie?” “Uhm I guess yes” “He said he wrote it for me” “Noooooo fucking way” I had to laugh out loud and almost spluttered my cocktail over the couch. “He said so. I don’t know if it’s right but he said it’s inspired by me” “Wow Maggie, you’re famous!” I giggled. “Soooo crazy” “Did you ever tell Marc about it?” “NO! And I never will be” “Why?” “Because he likes the band and….I saw how bad he feels with Josh breaking up with you and…no I can’t tell him. He would freak out completely” “Hmmm, maybe” “I mean he didn’t tell me about his exes either so why should I tell him?” “You’re right.” “It’s my past. It’s his past. I don’t care” “But now I know about it. How can I ever talk with him about the Chilis without laughing or telling him?” “Please Eileen! You have to promise not to tell him!” “Yes….I promise”

So with this secret in mind we went back to our house where Marc and Noel were already fallen asleep on the couch. They looked so cute together. We covered them with a blanket and went to bed ourselves.

 August

Two months since we broke up.

I didn’t hear anything from Josh since he ended our relationship. I was still feeling sad and hurt. I was completely down when he told me that it’s over but I got up and moved on. When I think back to the time when Steve and I called it quits I remember feeling completely lost for months. But now I was able to move on and look forward sooner. I learned from my prior break up and I guess I was able to start new again just after two months. I decided that it would be the best decision I could make in these strange times. This summer could’ve been the best summer of my life – together with Josh. But in the end it didn’t. I still didn’t know why but I was growing paucity of thinking about it. Instead I moved on to live my life.

I visited my parents very often and helped my father with gardening. He loved his garden and so did I. It was the first time in years that I truly had time for helping him – and it was pretty much fun! When I told my parents about the break up they couldn’t believe it either. My dad was very sad hearing that Josh ended it. I guess he didn’t see it coming and didn’t want to believe that Josh was the one quitting it. In the last years I was always the one who ended a relationship and although my heart was broken when I left Steve my parents knew that it was the best decision I could’ve made. But this time they saw me heartbroken because a guy I really loved ended everything so abruptly. My mother reacted differently than my father. She didn’t say it but I could read her mind that she almost wanted to tell me “Well, I knew it. I knew he will hurt you”.  The worst part of the break up was to tell my granny about it. She LOVED Josh and when we were in Vegas she told me that she has the feeling that it will last very long – she didn’t want to say forever because forever is a very long time but I guess she could imagine us having a future together. I don’t need to say that she was also very shocked when I told her about it. She looked me sad in the eyes and gave me a very good advice.

“You know what Leeny, guys don’t stay forever. Look at your grandpa, he died without asking me. I know it’s kind of morbid to say it but it was like that. He didn’t tell me. He just left me alone in this world. But I learned how to live with myself, how to make me happy and how to be good to my soul. You’ll never know what happens in the future. Maybe it wasn’t the right time for you and Josh. Maybe you’ll meet again some day. You’ll never know. But please, don’t stop believing in true love because it does exist!”  

I almost started crying when she said these wisdom words to me. She knew it because she lived her life already. So I tried to believe her. I tried to still believe in love.

One funny thing about the break up was that my mother and I started to have some mother-daughter-days. We went shopping or walked through a park. One day we even went to the beach. It was a great time and I was very thankful to have my parents by my side. I knew that it wasn’t naturally. One day we went to the cinema and watched “Blue Valentine” with Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. It was a film about a damaged marriage but they tried to fight for it. It didn’t work. “Such a beautiful and realistic film” I said summarizing the plot. “It is! Very good actors….I wasn’t sure if you wanted to watch such a film. I mean, it must be hard to watch something like that” “Mom! I love this movie. Not so much like I love “500 Days of Summer” but I love every movie with Ryan Gosling! Plus, it’s also very realistic, don’t you think?” “You mean because they fail to fight for their relationship in the end?” “Exactly! I mean, if there is one thing in the last years I’ve learned then it is that nowadays a relationship doesn’t last long even if it’s serious.” “Honey, please stop saying it” she said and stopped walking. She looked me in the eyes and I guess she saw my sadness but I was okay. Totally okay. “Even Ryan Gosling can’t fix it!” I told her sarcastic. “Eileen” my mother said after some minutes of silence between us. “I didn’t tell you yet because I couldn’t but….I’m feeling so sorry for you” “It’s okay mom, I already moved on. I rarely stalk his Facebook account” “But you miss him. You loved him and maybe you still do. I know it because you’re my daughter and although you barely talked about your relationship issues and your heartache in the past I know that you’re hurt and I just want to let you know that your dad and I, we’re always there for you” “I know….thanks” I smiled at her and she squeezed me. I felt home when she put her arms around me. It felt like I was 16 again. We were standing there for quite some time and I enjoyed it because it’s the truth. When you’re really feeling sick and tired and heartbroken sometimes the only thing that can help is a hug from your mother. She knows you although you don’t think that she does. She gave birth to you. She will always be worried about you. 

“Did he ever tried to call you?” she asked me. “No….he didn’t. But I gave him a letter….well actually I put it on his nightstand. I’m sure he read it but I said he shouldn’t answer it. I want to get over it as soon as I can” “You’re thinking very rational” she noticed. “Do you think so? I think it’s just life. He ended it so I want to get over it, get over him and forget him. There are still so many memories in my mind of him, of us. I don’t want to delete them completely but I guess I want to try to distract me from the time we had because otherwise it would hurt too much” “You really loved him, don’t you?” “Yes” I mumbled. “Eileen, honey” my mother started saying. “I know I didn’t get along with Josh very well. And I know that I didn’t try my best to get to know him. I guess I have to apologize. I see how much you loved him and how bad he hurt you. I’m sorry I didn’t welcome him in our family. I thought he’s just a phase” ”A phase?” ”Yes....just a few months and then it will end soon” ”Well you were kind of right” ”No...I’m so sorry. I really didn’t see that you were so in love with him” “It’s okay mom…I you didn’t have to. I mean, now he’s gone” “Eileen! Stop being so sarcastic. It hurts seeing you saying these words. Please, tell me about it….if you want to” “Well….he just said it is over. There is nothing to say about” My mother sighed. Seems like she couldn’t understand why I reacted so rational. “Mom?” “Yes” “There is one thing I want to know” “Sure” “Why did you think it couldn’t work with him?” “I didn’t say that!” “Well….but you were thinking it” “Yes…it’s true” she confessed. “Well….you know, I saw him as the musician. Not the man you’re dating. Sure he has a private life. But don’t you think your lives are very differently? I was wondering how you can deal with him being away so often. I couldn’t do it I guess. And with all these knowledge I have from reading gossip magazines….I know it sounds silly but….I thought he would hurt you in the end because he didn’t take it serious with you. What if he meets a pretty model on tour? Or maybe another musician? Rock stars always fall for such girls….” “Mom! But Josh isn’t this typical rock star!” I said laughingly. “I know he had his fun and some encounters with girls on tour but I guess he would’ve left me for a woman he met on tour” “Honey….you’ll never know”

She was right. I’ll never know. But I trusted him and I guess he wouldn’t be like other musicians….or maybe he would? 

“You didn’t see it coming?” my mother changed the topic. “No…absolutely not.” I said sighing. “I know we had some trouble but….I never thought he would end it without having a real discussion about it. He didn’t even try to figure it out” “And you said you fought because of his ex?” “Yes….kind of….she was very cruel to me” “Hm….seems like he’s not over his ex” “But….he told me he loves me” “Maybe it scared him. Men can be scared very easily. Maybe he wasn’t ready to settle down” “But he’s six years older than me” “Doesn’t depend on the age….maybe he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship” “I don’t know….all I know is that it hurt so much.” I let her know. “But in the end I got to know myself better than before. That’s good. Because I guess the relationship I have with myself is more important than any other relationship with a man” “That’s my girl” my mother said almost crying. She put her arm around my shoulder and we went to my car. It felt good to finally talk with my mother about it. I guess I really moved on in the last weeks.

Two months and two weeks.

It felt like an eternity. I didn’t even know when I saw Josh for the last time. It just wasn’t on my mind anymore. Instead I concentrated of preparing my lessons for the new school year. I would teach in three different classes with different ages and I was so curious about it! I was really happy that work would continue in two weeks.

I spent the last days with cleaning my apartment, changing some of my furniture and reading. I read a lot in the last weeks. I stopped reading books Josh recommended me. Instead I started reading books I REALLY loved to read. Yes, again I became such a girlfriend who started reading books her boyfriend liked. Just to talk with him about it. I hated being like that when I ended my relationship with Steve. And I came back to this behavior again. But I stopped it timely! 

I was sitting on my bed eating some pizza while scrolling through Facebook. Yes I loved eating in bed and I think I almost lived in my bed. Everything that happened in my apartment happened in my bed. Except of sex. Hahaha. What a funny joke Eileen! There wasn’t any sex in the last weeks and to be honest, I guess I felt too sad and mad and miserable for just thinking about it.

While scrolling through my timeline I saw a link that let me freeze. It was a link to a live stream of a festival. The Chili Peppers headlined it today. It was in the UK. Although I didn’t want to I click on it I did and a few seconds later I saw Josh and the other guys jumping on stage to their music. I watched it for a few minutes and expected to feel the pain again. But it didn’t come. Instead it felt like I saw a guy I think I almost didn’t know very well. Who was he? Why did his hair look like he didn’t wash it the whole week? Why were his clothes stained? What happened to this guy I used to love? I must say he looked very bad. Like….really bad!

His voice sounded stricken and he forgot the lyrics like Anthony did. He even forgot to play a solo in “Californication”. He really messed it up. Anthony and Flea looked at him with angry faces. I guess the mood between the band wasn’t very well at the moment. Just when I wanted to look closer at my laptop to see how his eyes were looking my phone was ringing. It was Jacob. We didn’t see each other very often in the last months but he was still and will still be a good pal for me. He knew about the break up and he was also one person who listened to me in the last weeks, mostly on the phone or via skype because he was busy with his work but we talked. “Hey, what’s up Eileeeeeen?” he said when I took the call. “Well….I don’t know. I just started to watch a live stream just to see that my ex is looking very bad and sick at the moment” “So I guess you won” Jacob laughed. “You can’t see me sitting on my bed wearing my jammies, eating pizza and drinking wine. A bun on my head. Who do you guess won?” “Well…I guess you have to suit up very quickly!” “Why?” “Because we’re going to one of the new in-clubs in Hollywood!” “No….who is we?” “You and I and some of my friends” “Jacob….you know I don’t like going to clubs and all this stuff. I don’t like the people. It’s just not my thing” “Well sweetheart, you have to. Because I put you on the guest list! So get up from bed, put your pizza body into a sexy dress and be ready in twenty minutes when I show up!” “But….” “No BUT!”

 ___________

“She packed my bags last night pre-flight Zero hour nine a.m. And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then I miss the earth so much I miss my wife It's lonely out in space on such a timeless flight And I think it's gonna be a long long time Till touch down brings me round again to find I'm not the man they think I am at home”