#tumblr keeps messing up how i've been formatting my posts

[yeetmeoutthewindowdaddy]

A deep dive into Zevlor's devotion (Part 1) Everybody hates tieflings, and how discrimination impacted a young Zevlor:

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR BG3.

These series of posts were originally one loooooong post— but apparently Tumblr has a character limit, and I found it; so now it's been split into several parts/posts.

((Part 1, this post, is mostly to give context to the discrimination faced by tieflings in Faerûn. The third part is where the meat of my Zevlor analysis is.))

(Part 2) Elturel's history and culture, the Hellriders, and Zevlor's paladin oath. (Part 2.5)

(Part 3) Zevlor's actions during Act 1, an analysis of a man who is barely holding on.

(Part 4) Zevlor's actions during Act 2, an analysis of a broken man.

(Part 5) Zevlor's actions during Act 3, an analysis of a man with his faith restored.

(Part 6) Zevlor's actions during/ after the epilogue, not all endings are happily ever after— especially not for a tiefling.

(Part 7) Zevlor in a romantic relationship.

I don't think many bg3 players understand just how dedicated and loyal of a person Zevlor is. This ADHD hyper-fixation fueled multipart-thesis is meant to show how Zevlor's past is as tragic as any of the origin characters'/ Durge's. It's meant to show how horrifically broken Zevlor was when he "betrayed" the other tieflings. It's also meant to show that our beloved blorbo would probably be fervently obsessive if he was in a romantic relationship.

Most importantly: It demonstrates how our favorite man Zevlor was most likely a fanatical religious zealot my dudes. He was (probably) a part of the Faerûn equivalent of the Spanish Inquisition lite.

I have kept this as factual as I am able to. Please keep in mind that Baldur's Gate 3 plays it fast and loose with the DND/ Forgotten Realms canon and lore, on top of DND/ the Forgotten Realms itself regularly disregarding and changing it's own lore and canon. DND lore and canon as a whole is a mess. It has multiple universes that sometimes interact and are maybe separate from each other. Full disclosure; I've mixed 1e-5e lore together FUCK 5.5e, because parsing through what is currently considered canon is a nightmare. As far as I'm concerned, as long as a piece of lore was canon at some point in the past 50 years— it's fair game. @y-rhywbeth2 in this post has a more in depth disclaimer. Also please check out their headcanons and lore breakdowns, they're so good.

THIS PROJECT TOOK ME OVER A MONTH TO WRITE. I've tried to find all grammatical and spelling errors. I've tried to ensure that I've cited the correct sources in the correct places.

I have given up on trying to understand Tumblr's inconsistent post formatting. Why does the 'small' option for text sometimes actually make the text smaller but other times it makes the text larger???

______________________________________________________________

● (Section 1) The Origins, Anatomy, and Physiology of Tieflings:

AN: It used to be that tieflings could only breed with other tieflings and humans. This seems to have been changed recently— one no longer has to have a demon somewhere in their genetic lineage to be a tiefling, one of their ancestors having contact with a demon is enough to produce a tiefling descendant. Which has interesting implications for Warlocks. There are also special versions of elf and orc tieflings.

(From what I can tell) tieflings live for about the same amount of time, maybe ~10 years longer than, humans do. (AN: Remember how I said the Forgotten Realms loves to retcon and disregard it’s own lore? The wiki states that their life span is from 90–150 years, but this source is from 2004 and the lore has greatly changed in the past 20 years. I am choosing to ignore the wiki here for my own sanity.)

Tieflings were humanoids with fiendish ancestry. They came about due to one of their ancestors (even many generations prior) getting freaky with a demon being "touched" by the evil planes in some way.

"Tieflings... were infused with the touch of the fiendish planes, most often through descent from fiends—demons, Yugoloths, devils, evil deities, and others... Although their evil ancestors could be many generations removed, the taint lingered."

Before some warlock shenanigans happened, tieflings had a much wider range of appearances than the ones we generally see now.

"In 1358 DR, a warlock coven...the Toril thirteen performed a ritual that cursed most tiefling lineages... [changing] their original lineage with that of the archdevil... Asmodeus [who] became a god... giving most tieflings... a similar devilish appearance... [whereas before] infernal blood could be diluted through intermarriage... afterward, the union of a tiefling with another race always produced a tiefling child."

Their infernal ancestry gave them some very powerful abilities.

"Tieflings had a number of abilities gifted to them by their fiendish heritage... an innate resistance to heat and... a hint of bloodlust that gave them a slight edge in combat. Tieflings also had access to an ability known as infernal wrath, which channeled their innate rage and potential for evil into their attacks for added effectiveness... [they] tended to have better reflexes than their human kin... [Tieflings are] alluring and intelligent creatures, with a seductive aura in spite of their obviously evil ancestry...

Along with some not so great traits that fed into the prejudices against them.

"Other, more unusual characteristics included a sulfurous odor, cloven feet, or... an unsettling air about them... a general aura of discomfort they left on others... most people were uncomfortable around them, whether they were aware of the tiefling's unsavory ancestry or not... Tieflings were carnivores. They consumed blood, blubber, bone, gristle and meat... [and] raw bone marrow..."

Tieflings tended to be resolute and tenacious, with a strong internal drive to rise above their circumstances.

"They are adaptable and resilient to hardship, and possess strong aptitude at whatever pursuit they dedicate themselves to... When facing adversity, the tiefling instinct is not to withdraw from the world, but rather to challenge it head-on... Tieflings seek to make their own fates, defy the odds, and take risks that... most... would not dare."

For some awesome insight on tieflings check out this post [alt] by @gortashs-skidmark, it's a good source on tiefling appearances and traits. Along with this post [alt] by @pikapeppa providing evidence-based headcanons on tiefling appearances. And this post [alt] by @y-rhywbeth2, which talks about how a tiefling's physical traits are influenced by their specific infernal heritage.

Their infernal appearance and weird vibes are why almost

● (Section 2) Everybody Hates Tieflings:

Even before Elturel's Decent into Avernus, and subsequently the events of BG3 (both of which I will cover later), Tieflings faced an incredible amount of discrimination— even from their own kind.

"Few tieflings were raised with the love a normal human child might expect to receive... Tieflings who had strikingly inhuman features were often killed at birth by their horrified parents or others. Only those tieflings with subtle features or born to someone indifferent to their appearance, either out of acceptance or cruel purpose, were likely to reach adulthood... Tieflings often distrusted one another, sometimes even casting the same preconceptions on one another that others did on them."

This post [alt] by @underdark-dreams highlights the discrimination tieflings face in game. And how the Flaming Fists should be called the Flaming Shits, but I'll get into that in another part of this series.

Understandably, they didn't easily trust others. But once someone did earn a tiefling's trust, they were an incredibly loyal friend.

"…[Tieflings] expected eventual rejection from all... However, members of other races would find that once they demonstrated friendship and trust towards a tiefling, it would quickly be reciprocated in full. Once that bond was forged, it was rarely broken."

While some tieflings wholeheartedly embraced the preconception that all tieflings were evil, others would endeavor to prove it wrong.

"Their attitude regarding their heritage... while some tieflings embraced it, others were repulsed by it... tieflings, who were proud of their fiendish past... chose to... thwart... dark plots and schemes. Others sought to... emulate these evil deeds. Other tieflings were ashamed or even frightened of their heritage and wished only to escape the shadow that lurked over them... Some did this through constantly doing good, as though to make up for the evil that begot them. Others instead hid [their heritage]…"

Looking like devils made people think they were devils, or acted like devils.

"Tieflings are widely stereotyped as wicked, cruel, and criminal individuals... [with] a tendency to be solitary loners... known for their quick temper, stubbornness, self-confidence, and fickleness in relationships."

And since people thought tieflings were, or would act like, devils they treated them like devils.

"The social rejection they typically face often leads tieflings to enter a life of crime, which furthers social prejudice against their race." 

"We're distrusted and viewed as evil malcontents for so long that we start to believe it ourselves. It's hard not to try to live up to the hype, eh?"— Enkillo the Sly, tiefling

It's not a stretch of the imagination to assume that people would believe that: the more devilish a tiefling looked = the more they'd behave like devils (evil). It's also safe assume: that the more infernal traits a tiefling had = the more, harsher, discrimination they'd face.

This leads into my next topic,

● (Section 3) Zevlor's Infernal Appearance:

He looks like a combo of Sylvester Stallone and Willem Dafoe.

He and his Habsburg jaw lookin ass face seems to always have a 5 o'clock shadow. (Probably because he's a refugee struggling to survive, so his personal grooming habits have taken a back seat.)

Zevlor has more infernal features than the other tieflings do in-game. (As shown in this post [alt] by @lolliputian and @haru-sen) He has very prominent cheekbones, a thick brow ridge, and BIG horns. (Look at @cinnasalmon's post [alt] on Zevlor's horn anatomy.)

HC: The reasons his face bones are so protuberant is because they need to support the weight of his huge horns, as without them his (face) skull would fracture/ cave in from the constant pressure. Poor guy probably lives with a perpetual headache.

Zevlor's prominent infernal facial features make him look older than he probably is— as they emphasize the traits we humans commonly associate with aging; such as defined nasal labial folds, a lack of facial fat, and big ears. The striations by his eyes look like wrinkles, but I think that they're mostly infernal markings.

Stress prematurely ages people, and Zevlor had multitudes of stressors throughout his life: Contending with the discrimination from being a tiefling with prominent infernal traits, joining an elite military unit at age 12, rising through its ranks to become a Commander of said unit, having his city dragged into the literal Hells (more on that in part 2), defending the civilians/ city trapped in the hells, surviving the hells, then being stripped of his rank and banished from his home because of racial prejudices, and then leading a group of (mostly civilian) refugees to Baldur's Gate— all while desperately trying to keep them alive in the face of Faerûn's many, many, dangers.

Combining all the factors above would make any man look 10+ years older than he actually is.

Zevlor looks scary. His irises look like they're on fire, and his teeth are scarier than Astarion's. I was browsing Tumblr alone in my room, at night, 😳 and this photo of Zevlor popped up on my feed giving me a good scare. I have an unhealthy obsession with Zevlor, he's made it onto my official husbando list! And yet, I can't look at certain screen shots of him at night because they scare me. I'm a wuss.

I simp hard for this man, and yet I am still frightened by his appearance sometimes. Imagine how people in Faerûn react when they see his sleep paralysis demon lookin ass him in person? Screaming and running away is completely understandable.

Which brings us to,

● (Section 4) How Discrimination Impacted a Young Zevlor:

Even as a young child Zevlor would've know that his appearance othered him.

"Most tieflings were aware from an early age that they were different from others around them..."

Even as a child Zevlor most likely knew that many people would dislike him and refuse to trust him because he was born a tiefling.

Tiefling families in the traditional sense are rare. Many tieflings, born to human parents who possess a latent infernal bloodline, are abandoned at birth and raised by a monastery, church, orphanage, or adoptive parents.

I headcanon that he had at least one loving parent—before he was orphaned, but it's entirely possible, and likely, that he was abandoned at birth.

Young Zevlor would've known that he would have to work very hard to be seen as something other than a criminal or evil monster.

"While some [tieflings] would... [turn] towards evil, others rejected it wholeheartedly and sought to make a good impact on the world around them, sometimes becoming the most heroic characters of all. Few could maintain this discipline however."

AN: Elturel was a theocracy (more on that part 2)— Zevlor likely grew up in a deeply religious family/ community.

All these factors combined would lead to a young Zevlor who:

Was determined to prove his goodness and rise above the adversity he faced. The force of will and work ethic he needed to become not just a Hellrider— but a Hellrider Commander, while being a tiefling, meant that he would've grown into a stubborn man. (See this post [alt] by @ohsayit)

Was so deeply religious and devoutly pious that he became a paladin. (More on this in part 2)

Internalized the impossible standards he was held to.

Developed a guilt complex (my "grew up Catholic" is showing)

Viewed any mistake he made as a personal moral failure, and as an indication of his inherent evil nature. (Hello again, Catholicism)

Would be hyperaware of how he's perceived by others.

Would learn how to read people's true intentions/ motivations.

Learned to vigilantly monitor, and strictly control his facial expressions and body language. (Is my autistic masking showing?)

Learned how to show deference to others through body language.

Leaned how to make himself appear smaller and less threatening.

Figured out how smile and laugh without showing his teeth.

Mastered the awkward and tight-lipped polite smile.

Figured out how to intelligibly speak with a tight jaw and lips so that his teeth wouldn't be seen by others while he spoke.

Developed self worth/ self esteem issues. Even other tieflings would've looked at him with suspicion and maybe even disgust.

That's it for part 1, here's another link to (Part 2) Elturel's history and culture, the Hellriders, and Zevlor's paladins oath. (Part 2.5)

and the other parts,

A deep dive into Zevlor's devotion series (master list)

[roxtron]

Day 5: Rabbit, Reclaim

AGJGDFJF FINALLY IT'S DAY 5 SO I CAN POST THIS

For some reason everytime i draw him he looks so young because i'm accidentally overcorrecting since i'm used to drawing older characters. So unfortunately he looks way younger than i meant him to lol, whoops.

But wait there's more- AHAHAHA

While I did initially plan this for GGY week I eventually got the idea to use this as an excuse to draw other GGY designs, soo..

(Not sure why tumblr formatted it that way with 1 of them big but it doesn't matter lol)

I've been wanting to do this for a while, I put the tags of each person next to their design but ofc I'm still gonna tag them in the post itself so you can see their art for yourself if you haven't already. But I enjoyed each of these in their own ways so if you don't mind I think I'm gonna type a bit of text next to them..

@chipistrate This was one of the first I drew out of these, the design was pretty fun to draw but sorry if I messed up a few details, it was a bit difficult lol. The mask and goggles are really fun to draw and they make for a cool design, along with all the glowing blue. (and yes, I tried to subtly include the heelies lol)

@lunzi0 This was the first fursuit one I did lol. I adore the little stars in the design, they personalize it so well and make it really unique. I wanna try this design again since I feel like the other ones show my improvement a bit better, but I hope you can appreciate the effort I put in on my first attempt <3

@carouselrabbit This one was really fun to draw, I absolutely love the eye shape/lashes, it stands out and I always love drawing eyes with a bit of eyeliner lol, the daycare theme legwarmers is a cool nod to the balloon boy arcade machine being connected to them, and was just a fun addition in general lol, I like the style of legwarmers what can I say, fnaf changed my fashion sense a bit. also the subtle paraells to freddy's design is a nice way to connect a bit to gregory himself.

@puhpandas I can't remember if I talked about this design last time I drew it but, overall I'm really happy with how this came out, it's such an indicator of improvement since I started drawing this and I'm glad I was able to draw it better than last time lol. All the patchwork and similarities to Vanny's suit work really well, and the rabbit you chose to base it off of was a good fit, the colors make it a bit more difficult to shade for but i like detail lol, hope you like it too :)

@dykevanny I knew I wanted to do this since I started but I wasn't sure if I'd have time, and I'm glad I did! I hope you don't mind I combined aspects from the first design I saw and the second one you replied to my ask with, I liked the big purple sleeves lol. (I just realized after doing all the shading I forgot to include the oil splatter on his jacket, sorry!) It was definitely a bit difficult due to the head shape being so different but.. fluffy. i love drawing fluff. And the glowing swirl on the goggles, the shape of the ears, I love a lot about this design. :D

I have a hard time with writing compliments but I wanted to get some of those thoughts out, some of the things I like about these designs apply to multiple lol. I adore every one of these designs but I find it hard to put into words what I enjoy about them, hope the original creators are happy with these. <3

I also kept the ggys without as much lighting effects on a separate file, I felt like I should add them since they're a bit brighter lol, makes them look different.

Okay now that I've gotten all that- Sorry this post is so long! I didn't think it'd end up taking up so much space lol. Buut.. working on this drawing and thinking about it and potential context behind it gave me an au idea for it, but I'll put it under the cut since I understand most people probably won't care and just wanna see the drawings lol.

Idk if I'm confident enough to write for it but I'll give a bit of a summary.. I'll keep it under the cut for people who aren't interested and just wanna see the art though lol.

After the main events of SB and Ruin, now that the mimic's been set free, Cassie's taken control of by what's left of Vanny, using her as a new host. But with Cassie being the only human left alive down there, after being reawakened, Dr. Rabbit has nowhere left to go but back to his old host.

Vanessa, Freddy, and Gregory hadn't gone back to the Pizzaplex after ruin, but they were trying to figure out a plan to get Cassie back safely. One night after Freddy and Gregory disappear, Vanessa leaves to go find them. As dangerous as the pizzaplex is, it's her best guess for where they might've gone. She doesn't want to think about what could've happened to them, in denial for the worst case scenario. She tries to keep herself calm by telling herself they probably just left to go back for Cassie, maybe they didn't want her stopping them.. but deep down she knows it can't be that simple. She knows something's off, even if she's not ready to admit it.

When returning to the pizzaplex, she brought along her own V.A.N.N.I. mask, though unlike the one Cassie used, it was clear of the mimic's influence. After all, she was going to need some way to travel through potential blocked routes.

By the time she found Gregory, she'd still been wearing the mask, seeing him down the end of a dark hallway. He looked confused, afraid, his mind was a wreck of conflicting emotions. She started rushing towards him, happy to see him okay, until he finally spoke.

"You need to get out of here."

She stepped back, taking off the mask, only to be faced with the worst case scenario.

It was a wreck, covered in stains and tears, but it was still recognizable. He was wearing that old suit again.

As he waved, she could see Freddy's claws peeking out from the doorway, as the two stepped closer towards her.

So, she did what he told her to do, and started running. She could hear a faint voice coming from the mask, and put it back on before finding somewhere she could hide.

It was his voice again, telling her which way to go.

I guess that was the dramatic way to summarize the main idea behind it, lol. Basically Gregory and Dr. Rabbit work the way Sun and Moon work in Ruin, whichever one is in control in the real world, the other is left behind in the AR world. Or at least that's my interpretation of how they worked, considering Sun was always in mask-on scenes and moon was mask-off. I'm not too sure where the plot might go from there, and maybe I'll consider writing for it, I dunno. I've never wrote fanfic before because I get deadly afraid of writing them out of character lol, but maybe?? I have ideas for scenes and premise and stuff but I don't know if I have the confidence to write it.

But anyway! That was just more of a fun side-idea I came up with while working on this, if you read this far thanks, hope you enjoyed :)

here's some silly little lineless doodles as a reward for making it to the end hehe

now that's what I call an art dump

@ggyweek2024

[sadquickchristmassnowman]

hey so i’m new to the community fandom and i really love trobed. i was wondering what was your trobed centric episode masterlist like? or if it’s possible, is there a way to send me the post? sorry i’m new to tumblr so i’m still learning how this app works. if you see this, thanks :)

hi, welcome! I've found that community tumblr is probably my favorite fandom space I've ever been involved in, and I hope you've had a good experience so far. I totally get the New App Learning Curve thing, I'm historically very shit at learning how to use new apps, even though I'm "young" (20), but I eventually got it and you will too, Trust 👍👍👍

anyway, Yes one of the first things I did on here after joining was make a trobed-centric episode masterlist for someone who was asking lmfao. since it was one of the First things I did there's some formatting and other things I'd do differently now, and I've actually been looking for an excuse to go ahead and get that done, so. here we go.

the trobed-centric episode masterlist (revamped)

1x05: advanced criminal law

plot B

abed takes the "friends mess with each other" rule too far; he creates a whole fake language and spends a lot of money on trying to convince troy that he is an alien

"from now on, abed, friends don't mess with each other"

(this is the first time they do their signature handshake)

1/5 gayness, pretty platonic

1x10: environmental science

plot B

it's the "somewhere out there" episode what more do I need to say

3/5 gayness, something's happening fs

1x11: the politics of human sexuality

plot C

abed keeps beating troy in athletic competitions, making troy feel threatened. he eventually admits that abed is the better athlete and they make up

2/5 gayness, pretty platonic but it has its moments

1x22: the art of discourse

plot C

troy and abed work to complete abed's list of quintessential freshman year of college experiences list

2/5 gayness, they repeatedly put completing the list above looking cool in front of women

1x25: pascal's triangle revisited

plot C

troy is moving out of his dad's house and wants to move in with abed, but abed says no because he's afraid being that close and spending that much time together will result in constant annoyance, and will destroy their friendship

troy realizes that "too much of a good thing can be bad" and instead agrees to move in with pierce

1/5 gayness

2x02: accounting for lawyers

part of plot A

jeff gets sucked back into his old life as he reconnects with alan, a coworker from his old law firm. troy, abed, and annie try to gather proof that jeff's friend is the one who got him fired in the first place

more trobedison centric, and is actually the first episode where the three of them are established as a Trio™

"all I heard was suck" "YOU CHLOROFORMED THE JANITOR" "I usually have one foot out of reality and even I'm freaking out right now"

1/5 gayness, pretty platonic. they're the sillies ever I love trobedison

2x06: epidemiology

part of plot A

it's the zombie episode, come ON

trobed have coordinating costumes but troy bails during the party because he doesn't want to look lame and nerdy in front of women, which hurts abed's feelings

abed sacrifices himself to save troy once they are the last two standing during the "rabies pathogen" breakout

"I love you" "I know" (oh my GODDD sedate me)

5/5 gayness. you get it.

2x09: conspiracy theories and interior design

plot B

the original blanket fort 💯💯💯

2/5 gayness, just guys bein silly (and in love???)

2x15: early 21st century romanticism

plot B

troy and abed fall for the same girl and decide to take her to the valentine's dance together, after which she can decide which one of them she wants to date

she picks troy, but troy gets upset that she didn't pick abed (because why wouldn't she pick abed, he's so cool) and breaks it off almost immediately

I"happy valentine's day" "it is now"

5/5 gayness jesus christ this one is INSANE

2x18: custody law and eastern european diplomacy

plot B

britta likes troy and abed's new friend, lukka, who she finds out is a literal war criminal. she keeps this information from troy and abed because she doesn't want to ruin their friendship with him, but they find out eventually

2/5 gayness they're attached at the hip in this one

2x19: critical film studies

random moments

this episode is more focused on jeff and abed, but there's a lot of classic Troy Gets Jealous™ moments so I decided to include it. plus the end tag is them randomly having dinner together at the fancy restaurant (a date 😔)

basically troy is afraid that jeff is a cooler friend to abed than him

3/5 gayness even though they barely interact, troy is so silly

2x20: competitive wine tasting

part of plot B

I almost didn't include this one, and it's not even on my original list, but whatever

troy pretends to be traumatized, originally to seem less shallow in his acting class, but he keeps it going in order to attract britta. he tells abed about it and abed Does Not Like That At All

"troy. nothing good can come of this"

I wouldn't call abed being jealous a Rare Occurrence but he generally conceals it way better than troy does

2/5 gayness, could be interpreted as abed just worried about relationships forming under false pretense, but to Me he's jealous

2x22: applied anthropology and culinary arts

plot C

pierce buys the rights to troy and abed's handshake (a la Indecent Proposal) which "corrupts" it

"pierce tainted our special handshake with his blood money and now we can't get the magic baaaack :((((("

eventually they do indeed get the magic back

3/5 gayness idk there's something about the way they interact in this one that is inexplicably gay to me lmao

3x01: biology 101

plot C plus random moments

"speaking of figuring things out, me and abed have an announcement" "..." "troy and I are living together :D"

cougartown gets moved to midseason, then cougarton abbey ends after 6 episodes, abed's routine keeps getting thrown off, and troy is just extremely supportive and protective throughout

4/5 gayness troy loves him a lot!!!!!!

3x03: remedial chaos theory

random moments

(I know this ep is listed as 3x04 on streaming services but in canon it takes place here and on the dvds it's listed as 3x03. there's a joke about it in the episode too if you didn't know. anyway)

"troy and abed's new apartment!!!" "bienvenido a la casa chez trobed!" "wanna stay up all night talking in our bunk beds?"

all their pictures on the wall and their matching suits lol

the end tag "evil troy and evil abed" & troy's soft "what's wrong :("

3/5 gayness they're lowkey married your honor

3x05: horror fiction in seven spooky steps

random moments

troy's whole story he tells where they Literally become attached at the hip

"my partner"

troy dancing while abed's humming daybreak

2/5 gayness

3x06: advanced gay

plot B

troy deciding whether he wants to do plumbing or air conditioning and deciding all he really wants to do is watch tv with abed

gay symbolism? gay symbolism? gay symbolism?

4/5 gayness mostly for the conversation at the hawthorne wipes gathering. I could write an essay on just that

3x07: studies in modern movement

plot A

annie moves in with troy and abed. very trobedison centric

"kiss me woodsman troy!"

3/5 gayness once again casually in love they're soulmates your honor

3x09: foosball and nocturnal vigilantism

plot B

annie breaks abed's $200 special edition dark knight dvd set on accident, trobedison shenanigans ensue yippee!!!

"awww is that the grappling hook I got you for christmas???"

3/5 gayness for the same reasons as before

3x10: regional holiday music

part of plot A

literally putting this on here just because of the christmas infiltration rap (and baby boomer santa)

3/5 gayness it's glee club what can you do

3x11: contemporary impressionists

plot A

(once again, I know this episode is listed as 3x12 on streaming services, but in canon it's supposed to chronologically be here, and is listed as 3x11 on the dvds)

the study group helps abed pay off his debts to a celebrity impersonator website by playing characters at a bar mitzvah (after troy scolds them for trying to ground abed in reality)

they have an argument at the end ugh

3/5 gayness troy loves abed a lot and abed doesn't realize that he's doing something wrong

3x12: urban matrimony and the sandwich arts

plot C

(see the above disclaimer about episode order)

troy and abed decide to be normal for shirley's wedding rehearsal

troy and abed being normal 🤝

4/5 gayness they blow off a girl to be weird again

3x13: digital exploration of interior design

plot C

blanket fort: redux (oh god)

vice dean laybourne escalates what started as a minor disagreement in order to drive a wedge between troy and abed. it works

5/5 gayness, if a sitcom doesn't have the two codependent fanonical gays go through an unnecessarily dramatic "break up" then I don’t want it

3x14: pillows and blankets

plot A

🎶troy and abed are in conflict🎶 *cries*

pillow fort vs. blanket fort

they eventually make up but not before they hurt each others' feelings a Lot

5/5 gayness the dramatics jesus christ

3x16: virtual systems analysis

random moments

so this episode is more focused on abed and annie, and troy and abed actually don't Technically interact with each other very much at all, but. you know

abed kinda freaks out when troy and britta go on a date because it "messes with the fabric of the group" (🤨 I know what you are)

troy calls annie to "check on abed" boy you are on a date with a woman

4/5 gayness just from subtext you get it

3x17: basic lupine urology

random moments

troy and abed play detective as they try to figure out who sabotaged the group's biology project

"we can't both do the zinger"

4/5 gayness no explanation

3x19: curriculum unavailable

random moments

the study group is expelled from greendale and abed gets arrested for spying on campus, so he's supposed to have a psychological evaluation

troy is just very protective of him in this episode, plus the flashback clip where he and Annie are comforting him as he's freaking out about daylight savings

"our adventures are VERY manly"

4/5 gayness

3x21: the first chang dynasty

random moments

oof baboof with you two! (all the plumber shenanigans are hilarious)

mostly putting this one on here for the goodbye scene at the end of the episode, though. god

"he said, 'I know you hate when people do this in movies.' sorry I got emotional"

3x22: introduction to finality

plot B

abed "goes crazy" without troy (who's off at a/c repair school)

when troy comes back he prioritizes abed over britta (who he supposedly has romantic feelings for)

"I miss abed so much" "you're afraid you'll go crazy without troy"

4/5 gayness one could say they're a little codependent

4x03: conventions of space and time

plot A

troy gets jealous of (read: goes "psycho girlfriend on") abed's new inspector spacetime superfan friend toby

britta, even as troy's literal girlfriend, calls abed troy's boyfriend and supports troy through the whole thing

"for the first time in my long history of being locked inside things, I knew someone would come" let me just put my head through my wall really quick

5/5 gayness even though troy has a whole gf. that's how gay this episode is

4x11: basic human anatomy

plot A

troy and abed pretend to switch bodies, like in freaky friday, in order to help troy process his feelings about his relationship with britta

5/5 gayness holy SHIT y'all. I could write thousands of words on this episode. it is so hard to justify troy's actions in this one without reading him as a closeted gay person not lying

5x03: basic intergluteal numismatics

random moments

including this one because of how abed comforts troy and pushes him around in a wheelchair for the entire episode

3/5 gayness it's the casual married-ness again smh

5x04: cooperative polygraphy

random moments

this is another one I didn't include on my original list but I decided fuck it

the bit uncovering the actual origin of their patented handshake is so funny "I can't even look at you right now" "then you should know I'm crying"

also just the. look on abed's face when troy agrees to go on the trip at the end. "cool. cool cool cool." "that's a lie" UGHHHHH

4/5 gayness again. so typical

5x05: geothermal escapism

plot A

do I need to say a word

ouch ouch ouch OUCH

5/5 gayness especially the deleted dialogue from the last scene (I've posted it before but lmk if you don't know what I'm talking about. disclaimer it makes me want to launch myself off the empire state building)

alright. there it is folks. I was going to make another subsection of other random iconic trobed moments and cite the episodes they're from but basically every single episode has at least one, so that list would be Way too long to qualify as a supplement to this one lmao. however! if you have a Trobed Moment™ stuck in your head (or any Moment for that matter) and you can't remember which episode it's from feel free to ask me, I'm confident that my internal community database will be able to Remind You. anyway. hope this was helpful. bye

[beekeeperspicnic]

What I've been getting up to without my computer

Since I don't have any game updates at the moment I thought I'd give you a look at my very analogue Sherlock Holmes related project!

As you probably know, the Sherlock Holmes stories were mostly originally published in the Strand Magazine which came out as floppy monthly magazines with hardback collections every six months.

A while ago I spotted a really beaten up copy of the July to December 1893 book on eBay for £8. This book can sometimes go for £200 in good condition because it's the one with...

I immediately decided to make repairing it a Project!

You can see here that the text block has totally come away from the boards.

Along the spine I was really excited to see something a little familiar being used to give some structural support! My initial thought was that this had to be a slice of a cover of one of the floppy Strand magazines.

But when I got it loose and studied it, although the paper and ink colour is the same, it doesn't actually follow the layout format of the Strand covers. It's lots of little ads, and they run off the bottom like this is part of a larger document.

Scrap of paper on left, a Strand Magazine on the right:

So yeah, that's still a bit of a mystery, but it's cool to see this scrap of paper the printers had lying around. I had to remove it, but I'm going to keep it safe.

I did some gentle cleaning of the cover using a putty eraser, just gently pressing and rolling, never rubbing. It picked up a little of the grime.

The cover had got some paint splotches on at some point in the past, and I tried to gently remove these. Part of me wishes I'd left them as I think I was starting to effect the blue colour in the area.

(Original on the right, my attempt at cleaning on the left!)

I also reinforced some of the parts of the bookcloth around the spine that were very worn with Japanese tissue, which is very thin but very, very difficult to tear.

Now here's a fun part, with some help from my cat Miss Malkin!

The spine of the book had a few problems.

The fabric which wraps around it and helps attach it to the cover/boards which is called scrim (or mull, I've seen it called both!) had totally decayed and turned into gross dust, I knew I'd need to replace it.

Although the sewn binding was sound, I could tell that the glue wasn't doing its job anymore. It was old 'animal glue' that had turned hard and brittle. I knew I'd need to replace it with something else, like PVA.

I needed to get that glue off, so I tried out a trick I saw online. I made a paste/gel out of methycellulose, which is a substance that gets used as a thickener in lots of food products. Of course I keep mine in a fancy little jar:

The gel softens the old glue without getting it dangerously damp, allowing you to gently scrape it away. I have a really satisfying video of me doing it, but Tumblr only lets you upload one video per post, boo.

Look at all this gnarly gunk!

But look at how good the text block looks with its new scrim and glue!

I got the black paper from Shepherd's in London which is a specialist Art & Conservation Paper shop (they have a book bindery too but it's closed at the weekends.) Buying it was so fun, I got to look through lots of samples and pick something which matched the original paper.

I then had to get it home half way across the country on public transport. Yaaaaay.

I was trying to think what I was going to use to replace the Strand Magazine page on the spine. In the end I decided to leave a little note, for some future person who might take the binding apart someday!

So, here it is!

I have to admit that this whole project has been a real challenge, emotionally more than anything! It's required me to be brave about messing with an old book, and to acknowledge that even where I've made mistakes, at least it's better off then it was when It arrived at my house.

[moonchild-in-blue]

Other, other eye, following a scarlet trail...

Vesselette fanart because my queens deserve it.

I took creative liberties with the mask, so let's pretend that's what it looks like. Also it's been a minute since I've done anything like this so be nice 🥺

Little rant and details under the cut. Tumblr is a bitch and keeps messing up the formatting.

I'm not super pleased with how it turned out but, oh well. Posting anyways for accountability or whatever. If this is looking a bit different from my previous sketch, it's definitely not because this is the 4th try. No sir. That would be ridiculous (🥲). Something something perfectionist vs self-doubt.

It's been ages since I've attempted to do a proper watercolour, and drawing faces is really not my strong suit. So this was A Challenge. But I was determined to post it anyways, if anything to see some future progress.

Is it good? Not really. Could be worse? SO MUCH WORSE. The previous three (3) are appaling and shall never see the light of day.

[dreamersingingroses]

Help Getting BL Manhwa Paljae Licensed

As per an initiative started on Reddit, I would like to ask you for help in regards to the potential licensing of the BL manhwa Paljae, Child of Winter.

I'm not kidding when I say this manhwa is a treat for the eyes.

With its Korean-inspired mythology and eery fantasy elements, Paljae is a beatiful story about a blind, powerful dosa (akin to a cultivator) who saves the life of a mysterious creature close to death that seems to be weakened by high temperatures and empowered by Winter season.

This is a mesmerizing manhwa both in artstyle and content. The exploration of human emotions, the blossoming of deep-rooted love and lifelong lessons are just the tip of this phenomenal story about two messed up beings finding companionship in each other.

I could sing praises about this story for hours and still it wouldn't be enough to express just how good it is. If this tiny summary has picked your interest, or if you're already acquainted with the story, please spare me five (5) more minutes!

See, as many of you know, the publishing house Seven Seas Entertainment opens a reader's survey every month to get suggestions from people about what their new licenses should be. From personal experience, I know getting a publisher's attention is hard (very much so), which means that this survey is a great opportunity to hopefully make them consider licensing this title.

As readers, we have the power to suggest what we're interested in buying, and we have to take this chance.

So without further ado, I propose we take this monthly surveys to get them to at least consider Paljae as a potential license.

A user on Reddit posted how you can help us by participating in the monthly surveys with instructions to do so: https://www.reddit.com/r/Paljae_ChildofWinter/s/KamfbYGn18

If you don't want to exit Tumblr right now, keep reading for my own summary of the post.

Whether you're familiar with Seven Seas or just want to give us a hand, if you're interested in reading Paljae, are already in love with it or just want to support the author, please consider taking Seven Seas Entertainment's monthly survey.

How can I help?

1. Once you click on the link, you'll be redirected to the FREE survey.

2. You will need to give them an email. This is only so they can make sure one person doesn't fill in multiple surveys. Your email won't be shared with their associates, and you won't be sent any emails either. I've been participating with other less wholesome suggestions for months, and it's alright.

3. You will have to answer a brief multiple-choice questionnaire about the formats you prefer to read manhwas, comics and the like.

4. Frequently, there will be a compulsory question about their new releases, so you may be prompted to choose the ones that pick your interest. Their covers and names will be included in a multiple-choice format, so have fun looking at them :)

5. There will be a question about which WEBTOON/WEBCOMIC you'd like to see licensed. This is where you can type Paljae, Child of Winter.

6. Finally, if you want to participate in their monthly raffle and win a paperback they published during the year prior, just enter your email in the last section. This is voluntary and won't affect the consideration of your answers.

We Tumblerinas know that fandom makes impossible things come true, and wouldn't it be awesome if we could make this happen?

You can find the link for their monthly reader's survey in different places:

- At the end of their webpage, https://sevenseasentertainment.com/

It will look something like this:

- On Instagram, in their stories: https://www.instagram.com/sevenseasentertainment?igsh=MWpsZ2xuZ2xvdG8zaA==

It will look something like this:

- On Twitter/X/whatever (I know we don't talk 'bout X around here, but still), https://twitter.com/gomanga

The tweet will usually be posted the first week of every month.

- On the reddit post linked in this publication, https://www.reddit.com/r/Paljae_ChildofWinter/s/KamfbYGn18

[This user will update the link every month, so that you can access the newest version whenever you see this post.]

That being said, I am very thankful for your time and I hope you can spare a few minutes to make this a reality. Thank you very much!

[seiwas]

hi sel! i was wondering if you had any tips or tricks or advice for making fic banners and dividers? yours are always so cohesive! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

hi nonie! omg i'm so flattered you asked me this 🥺 i’m happy you like them!! admittedly, i am a bit particular about the aesthetics of my fics, but don't really expect anyone to notice 😭

i am by no means a designer! but i'll share a few of the things that have worked for me 🥺 under the cut will be what i do for sizing, editing, and inspo!

SIZING (w x h dimensions, 300 dpi)

› banners: 1280 x 320 for my thicker banners. 1280 x 249 for my thinner ones. i've been preferring the thicker ones lately just because i prefer how it looks on the post compared to my thinner ones (more balanced and stuff!)

› dividers: 1280 x any size you want or 500 x 5. i have both jpg (thinner) and png (thicker) versions for my dividers, mainly because my jpg ones stopped working after a while* 😭 i use the png ones more now because the actual image itself is also bigger in height; there are transparent spaces above the bar itself that allow more control over the space your divider will have between text (please let me know if this is confusing! i'm not sure if i'm explaining it well).

*tumblr can be really selective with the media it allows on the feed and tags, and for some reason, some dividers have been causing that problem 😭 i still haven't figured out what characteristics/factors exactly cause it, but i suspect it might be a combination of size + colours. i usually have to do test posts to make sure it appears!

i'm attaching some screenshots below for reference!

EDITING

› software: photoshop, figma. though i know there are others you can use (e.g., photopea, canva, picsart, etc.)! i just use these because i'm more accustomed to them 🥹

› process:

find a manga panel i like and clean it up (background removers can usually do the trick)

find colours i like and use it as the base for the background

*if using photoshop/figma/photopea: set the manga panel layer as 'multiply'

add the text

*for dividers: i usually just grab from the background of the banner (either i crop a portion of it or colour a long, thin rectangle the same colour)

attaching what my editing board looks like on figma! (i could be more organised but i usually do these things in such a rush i could never be bothered 😭)

› things i consider

for general fic banners: i like to keep a consistent format, which is: character panel + name + identifiable colour because they're the details that i'd like to inform people of first when they stumble upon my post! (some people will put fic titles too, which i don't do bc i can't be bothered to mess with the spacing 😭)

*keeping a consistent format also makes it easier to duplicate elements of your banners into other banners you'll be making! ex. if i'm writing 2 different gojo fics and decide to change what manga panel to use, at least i can always duplicate certain elements (i.e., name text) and find colours along a similar saturation/hue! it makes things a lot quicker and easier.

for event fic banners: i usually pattern it after the event banner itself! so for example, the fics under my 'how to be your loverboy' collab share similar elements (i.e., the wavy edge) to the main event banner. sometimes i use the same colours too (i.e., in's and out's event).

*on dividers not showing up on the dash: i notice it a lot more with light-coloured banners (some neutrals) and super thin ones. to find a way around this, i either change the colour and/or the size OR i'll find a photo that shares the colours i want and crop it to the size that i want (for some reason, it works this way 😭)

INSPO

i usually browse through pinterest for inspo on digital design stuff! i learned a bit of UX/UI so there's also a part of me that's influenced by its trends.

lately, i've been really into gradients! because it's a fun and easy way to make things look clean but not boring, and i think it can evoke the ~vibe of the fic based off the colours you end up choosing!

when i can't think of anything and want to come up with the banner quickly, i'll usually choose a photo/aesthetic i associate with the fic and blur the image until all you see are kind of blobs of colours. they're similar to gradients but have more shapes and require less of your brain power 😭 (i.e., by your passenger seat, and there's something...)

... and that's it!

sorry for this really lengthy post, i hope it's helpful nonie 🥹 let me know if you have any other questions/if anything is unclear!

[directactionforhope]

Go Here for Instructions on How to Submit Posts!

And go here for an example.

Submissions limit of 5 posts per person each week, please!

Otherwise, unfortunately, I'll get too overwhelmed by the submissions volume to post anything. Thank you for your understanding!

Me and the Basics

Call me Cactus! They/them, late twenties.

I'm the person who runs the Reasons for Hope tumblr.

This is a sideblog-to-a-sideblog for Reasons for Hope, because I want to promote actions and spread awareness for things that don't always fit on a good news blog specifically

For context: Queer, trans, disabled, white, USian, for context.

Let me know if I post something offensive, I promise I have practice fixing things when I mess up instead of lashing out at the person who told me. I don't want to post hurtful things, so I genuinely want to always learn more about how to not do that, even when it's uncomfortable.

This is all very long because I'm still incapable of being concise.

About This Blog

Made this blog because I keep wanting to reblog or post about actions people can take, but didn't want to put them on Reasons for Hope unless they were actually mostly good news.

As a person who's Been There with spiraling, I really get the need to have access to a space that you know will contain good news and ONLY good news, in this day and age.

Also made it because I have Opinions and want to talk about Issues and activism and I'm committed to not doing that on my good news blog unless it involves, again, actual good news.

So, follow if you want! I definitely invite people to send in actions (links to campaigns/petitions/major protests/letter writing campaigns/etc.) specifically as submissions. I'll put up a how-to and link it here at some point, bc I've learned from Reasons for Hope that if they're in ask format I won't usually have the time/energy to reformat that/make it into a post.

(Sorry to people who've sent asks in on there, you're great. I'll switch to a submissions-based attempted system there too once I get the chance. May be a minute, I'm about to start a new job(!!).

My Editorial Standards

My usual editorial standards from Reasons for Hope apply, modified for this sort of blog:

Any donation-related posts/submissions need to be from some kind of established organization. It can be super grassroots etc. but I need to be able to verify that it's not a scam.

For that reason, no personal fundraisers/gofundmes. I'm genuinely sorry about this because I know a lot of people need the help but like I say on Reasons for Hope, there's no way to truly vet the vast majority of those posts, and I really don't have the time to try.

I'll come up with some sort of tag to put on all the particularly upsetting/fucked content so people can filter it and just see the action posts. Preferably something unique so it doesn't screen out other people's posts if you want to filter

More below:

I'll also have a tag for any particularly upsetting/fucked informational/educational things I post, because I do want to help spread awareness about a number of things, some of which will be pretty upsetting.

That said, I'll try to keep those informational posts only to things that are solutions-focused and/or have an element of good news or hopeful updates, where possible.

I'll also keep most of those posts behind a read-more where possible.

For more info about why I'm including that stuff, see the bottom of this post.

I will not post any campaigns or actions for reelecting Joe Biden until either the genocide in Gaza ends, or until September 1, 2024 (the month early voting starts).

Why do I have that policy? Because Joe Biden is absolutely committing war crimes, but Donald Trump would still, in fact be worse, for the US in general, for BIPOC in the US in particular, and for Palestinians/Gaza. I made a post about this with more details that I'll link here at some point.

Everything is going to be labeled with the link's source, the organization running it, the date posted (if identifiable), and the dates of the campaign/campaign deadline.

Re: Posting bad news here

I've been thinking about starting this sideblog-to-a-sideblog for a while now, because there are a lot of actions/campaigns/etc. that I really wanted to help promote, but did not want to put on Reasons for Hope, because I'm trying really hard to keep that limited to actual, you know, reasons for hope.

That said, I will be including upsetting stuff here. It will have its own tag for people to filter if they only want to see the links to actions. But I am committed to including it.

More below the read more, because this got longwinded and a bit personal:

That's partly because there are a lot of issues that very people know about, and I believe a lot in the power of spreading knowledge/awareness.

It's also because of the reason I finally stopped pondering and decided to start this blog: I just found out tonight that my grandfather died young because of toxic radiation from a nuclear meltdown at a super dangerous and experimental nuclear reactor, which the US government covered up completely and continued operating for decades. Right next to Los Angeles. btw.

If you live in or near Simi Valley, Chatsworth, or the West San Fernando Valley, or your parents did, get high-risk-level-appropriate cancer screenings. And if you're in Simi or within like 5 miles of it...probably don't drink the tap water. Also maybe try to move. (Consulting with a public health scientist/activist friend about this, will report back.)

I was already anti-nuclear, including anti-nuclear power, because of the absolute devastation it's done, especially to Indigenous communities and Japanese civilians. I didn't want to get into it on Reasons for Hope because of the whole "urgency of climate change" thing. But suffice to say that being anti-nuclear just shot very far up my "activism priorities" list.

None of this, or any other horrific things I may post about, conflict with or ruin my faith in humanity. I've definitely been incredibly pessimistic and misanthropic in my life.

But I believe that, for all the bad and evil things humans do, there is equal or greater potential for good. I believe it's like they say: "Hurt people hurt people." That's not the case always, but it is very often. Now, for the first time in history, we have the physical ability to end starvation and scarcity and a lot of death and suffering. We're still getting there, though we still have a long way to go.

I believe in a future where we can all hurt each other (and the other life around us) far less. I believe in a future where we have beaten and reserved at climate change.

I want to live to see that future, and I want all of you to get the chance to see it with me.

[mistymeow69]

Hey guys. Thought I should make one last post before I depart!

In short, I'm not necessarily leaving tumblr, but I'm leaving the radqueer community, which this blog was originally used for.

I will have another one, but I'm not going to share it. I'd like to forget about everything that happened on here.

I recognize I made so many wrongdoings on here, and I regret them deeply. I want to grow and move on as a person from the things I interacted with and supported. I want to laugh at this in the future.

I joined some horrible communities, I stood alongside people who defended things like ped/ophi/lia and inc/est and convinced me it was all normal. I even started darkshipping again, which has been something I've been desperately trying to pull away from for so long, I know it's wrong but I keep going back to it. With the people on here telling me that not only was it fine, it was fine in real life too, they only made the situation worse.

I still identify as profiction. But through my experiences, I am aware of the damage consuming that kind of media can cause to you. I always told myself I would never support those things in real life, and yet, one thing led to another, and I was defending them too. I am profic as in I can just click off of fiction if I don't like it, since it's not real. I now have the maturity to do so, unlike before.

I am so, incredibly lucky that I did not fall victim to gro/oming or anything of the sort during my time here. My heart goes out to all of those who weren't as fortunate as me, and I'm sorry for standing alongside your abu/sers.

I guess I just really wanted a community. I still identify as transrace, and support some specific transids. But I'm going to keep that part of me hidden from now on. Because if this is what the community has exposed me to, maybe it would be better to keep those things to myself and the people closest to me.

I'm not going to pretend like I'm entirely a victim. I do believe making this account was a mistake, and the people who promoted those things should be held accountable, but I too was exposing myself to them. I did not take breaks. I kept interacting and falling deeper and deeper into the hole of the radqueer community. Eventually it just went too far.

The only reason I came here in the first place was because I just wanted a community of transrace people. It made me feel less alone, it had a nice format and there were so many people just like me. So, I felt inclined to support those I did not understand, just like how I wanted to be supported. But I should've listened to my common sense.

I mean, I even got called a terf on here for saying people shouldn't identify as transst/alked and things like that. That should've been my sign that, well, to put it bluntly, a lot of you are crazy.

I am underage and should not have been interacting with 18+ communities. And I especially should not have been supporting such harmful ones. I regret letting people tell me their disgusting fantasies and then convincing myself it was okay.

This app really messed me up for a while, honestly. I felt like preda/tors were oppressed. I felt like it was fine for people to identify as anything. I felt like discussions between zooph/iles and what animals they wanted to abu/se were normal. I even tried to force myself to be part of those communities.

I'm honestly glad this app gave me perspective. But I'm more glad that I'm leaving. I'm sorry if this makes no sense and is poorly worded.. If you are struggling with mental health and intrusive thoughts, please seek out help, whether it be through confiding in a friend, talking to a crisis hotline, getting into therapy, or even admitting yourself to a mental hospital. There's nothing shameful about it. You are not alone. But the communities you think are supporting you are only bringing you down.

Don't do something you'll regret. Don't destroy yourself. It's not too late. Your feelings are not your fault, you do not have to view paraph/ilias as a quirk in order to accept yourself. Because you did not choose to be this way. Again, there's no shame in seeking help. It's the best thing you can do, to cause the least harm to yourself and others.

I really wish this community hadn't been so horrible. I felt so great for a while. I finally felt like I wasn't alone. But it just went too far. And now I have to start all over, I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept myself as transrace again, if this is what it's associated with. But I know I will NEVER join the radqueer community again. I will not harass people in it, because I am a normal human being. But I will never support this again.

Thank you guys for being patient, and to those who were kind to me along the way. But this is not the path for me. And it shouldn't be for you either. I can't make you do anything, but please, reconsider what you're doing and what you're promoting. Think about why some of these things are taboo.

I'm not very active on tumblr, so I'm not actually sure how to do this. I don't know if I'll delete the account, or if I'll just log out forever. I might change my username too, I don't want to be associated with this anymore. I want to live like a normal person again.

Again, I can't apologize enough to those who are victims or were harmed by the things I supported. I know I only made the problem worse, but I'm going to try to undo it the best I can. The only way I know how is by leaving, bettering myself, and preventing others from making the same mistakes as me, especially other minors.

That's all. Thank you for listening. Goodbye, everyone.

[unseededtoast]

Rectify | Bucky Barnes

Part 5/37 | Part Four, Part Six

Summary: I've lived every day for the past five years looking over my shoulder. I knew they'd come for me, it was inevitable. I was foolish to think I could outrun my past. It's followed me everywhere I go, lurking in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Never would I have anticipated that the shadows would lead me to the light.

Bucky Barnes x OC

Series Warnings: Discussion of human trafficking, alcohol consumption, graphic depictions of violence, sexual content, discussion of suicidal thoughts.

a/n: Hi everyone, thank you for checking this out, I appreciate any and all support! This series is also posted on Ao3 and Wattpad if you prefer those formats/platforms! This is a completed series, and it's going to take some time for me to transfer it to Tumblr, so please bear with me!

"It can be easy to let an idea turn into an obsession, how do you think the Winter Soldier came to be? My father was obsessed with the idea of bringing the Winter Soldier back. I watched my mentor die in front of me because of it."

I spend the rest of the day writing out some notes and ideas. I need to have some sort of game plan, I can't just wing this. Doing this also helps me brainstorm possible contingencies. The overall idea is that this will help keep my thoughts organized so I'm not handling this recklessly or on the fly. I only get one shot at this, I cannot risk messing it up.

 Not only does the programming need to be undone, but he's also going to need structure and support throughout the process. Undoing the programming is the most daunting part of it all. It was never designed to be undone, only intensified or reset. When I created this program I had never anticipated the need to reverse it. I tap the pen on the table as I brainstorm possible solutions, there has to be a way. The lab door opens, but I stay concentrated because I don't want to lose this train of thought. 

"Do you have any updates?" I look up and see Steve staring at me with hopeful eyes. I show him the paper and explain everything the best I can. Steve's eyebrows scrunch as I explain.

"So what you're saying is that Bucky is still in there?" His big takeaway was not the complications that stand in my way, but the fact that his best friend is still there. It's heartwarming to see he cares so much about someone who's only been taken advantage of for the past several decades. I place a hand on his shoulder,

"I am confident that he is. The programming only made him obedient to the handler and to suppress his free will. His memories were never erased." I tell him, laying my pen down on the table. Steve nods and taps his hand on the table.

"Well, I'm sure if there's anyone who can do it, they're in this lab right now." He looks between the three of us.

 I know Steve is slightly hovering around me because he wants his best friend back, but I can't help but wonder if he's just trying to keep an eye on me, if he's buying into Tony's idea that I might be a spy. I push the thought to the back of my mind and re-read what I have so far. There's no point in worrying about their opinions, I can't change those for them. But I can help Bucky, so that's what I focus on.

My plan is simple, kind of. It's based on building a foundation of trust. Without a bond made through trust, the entire process will be very difficult for him because he will lack a support system, and I have a feeling he isn't going to want to cooperate with me very well. It's hard telling how the resurfacing memories will affect him and I want to be sure I'm prepared to deal with anything and everything that may happen. 

I'm not entirely sure how this process is going to go, I've never seen the reversal of the programming and my plan is entirely ideal and hypothetical. In a perfect world the memories will resurface and he will be able to handle them without issue, but this world is far from perfect and I have to assume that this process will follow that pattern as well.

I sigh, putting the cap back on the pen and placing the papers inside the red leather-bound book. This book is older than I am and holds so much history, though the history is dark and left a long trail of blood. 

"What's in the book?" Bruce asks, pushing his sleeves up to his elbows as he approaches me. 

"This book is responsible for countless deaths and the corruption of the mind. It's the key to what most would consider brainwashing and it is wanted by every member of Hydra. It's dangerous." I say tapping the front of the book.

"Well that's comforting. Would you mind if I take a look at it? I'll see if there's anything useful for Tony's research." He asks.

 I'm apprehensive to hand this book over knowing that the contents in the wrong hands can lead to a lot of damage. I know we're a team now but I can't risk things, and I've only just met these people. On the other hand I don't want Tony to have another reason to despise my presence. Reluctantly, I hand him the book and decide I'll just stay in the lab until they're finished with it. Tony joins Bruce and the two open the book. Tony immediately rolls his eyes. 

"This is all in Russian." He states the obvious in an annoyed tone.

"I can translate it for you if you want." I offer. 

Bruce nods his head, accepting my help. I translate the pages for them, having most of the science memorized by now. I go through the pages and speak the Russian before reciting the same line in English. It's time consuming but if I have more brilliant minds on this case then it gives us the highest chance of being successful, if I end up needing their help for this project. I know Tony is just interested for his own research, but I'm looking at it as a step in the right direction for the team as a whole. 

"Wait, so what you're telling me is that memories can be resurfaced, right?" Tony interrupts and I nod in confirmation, surprised he's bothering to ask me a question.

"Yes, depending on how long they were suppressed it can take longer for them to resurface." I explain,

"So, in theory of course, could you implant false memories deep inside someone's mind and have it resurface like an authentic memory?" I take a moment to consider his question. I've never considering placing false memories in someone's mind, I think it would be quite difficult to do.

"In theory, maybe. It would be extremely difficult though. You would have to create the artificial memory and find a way to place it in the mind. I think if it can be achieved it would take a lot of time, money, and patience." I offer him my opinion. 

"Piggybacking, what if we could take a memory, a true one, and we were able to change the details of it?" Tony's hand rest on his chin.

"I think if you were to alter a true memory and embellish it with falsehood, nothing good could come out of it. Then the person wouldn't be able to distinguish reality from artificiality and that becomes a very difficult thing for anyone to handle. The same can be said for implanting artificial memories." I say, hoping my answer leads him away from pursuing this. He stays silent after my answer and I look over to Bruce, who looks as if he's deep in thought. 

"Tony what if you meshed that idea with your augmented reality project. You can take true memories and manipulate it through augmentation, then the person knows the memories aren't true, yet you can still experience the desired thing." Bruce says and the idea catches me off guard. His idea isn't awful. It would be interesting to see how they would accomplish that. Tony thinks for a moment before jumping up and out of the lab, leaving Bruce and I alone. 

"He's been trying to find a way to avoid therapy about a lot of things. He thinks creating new memories in place of the old is the answer. I told him it wasn't a good idea but once he gets something in his mind he can't let it go." I nod my head, understanding Tony's obsession. 

"It can be easy to let an idea turn into an obsession, how do you think the Winter Soldier came to be? My father was obsessed with the idea of bringing the Winter Soldier back. I watched my mentor die in front of me because of it." I say and stand from my seat, grabbing the book. I'm ready to call it a day and mull over my thoughts, maybe a bright idea will come to me. I walk through the halls and back to my room, feeling a slight headache forming at the base of my skull. 

I turn the corner to enter the hall where my room is, and am ready to collapse, the past two days have been entirely exhausting. Although, I'm eager to start my plan in the morning. I've seen him once, I know what to expect. I won't cry anymore, there will be a time for tears when this is all over. I open my door and place the book on the nightstand before getting into bed. 

"Adalyn, are you in there?" I blink my eyes open and look to the tiny clock on my bedside table. My eyes widen as I jump up,

"Yeah, I'm here just give me a moment." I say and panic. I run my fingers through my hair and decide to keep the uniform from yesterday on, there's no time to squeeze myself into a fresh one. I grab the book and open the door, seeing a well-put together Steve in the doorway. 

"Rough night?" He asks, looking me up and down. I grimace and push some hair behind my ear,

"Yeah, something like that." I say and close my door. We walk the familiar path downstairs as I describe to him my plan.

"Do you think it'll work?" He asks and I nod my head.

"I do, but it's not an overnight process, a lot of it has to be done naturally. I think you can play an integral part in it as well. Once I get a proper assessment it'll be easier to see where we're at." I say and he nods, opening the door to the hallway. Unlike yesterday, I'm more level-headed. Steve takes him off of sedation and just like yesterday, I give him ample time to wake up and become accustomed to his surroundings. While he's adjusting to his environment, I mentally hype myself up. I've been around him before, numerous times. I can do this.

I open the door and enter, seeing the Soldier right where he was yesterday. I approach the glass and see him stare at me. I offer him a warm smile, which goes unreturned. 

"I'm Adalyn, it's nice to see you again. I'm going to perform an evaluation on you today. It's completely painless and pressure free. You don't have to answer anything you're uncomfortable with." I muster up the courage and begin the process. 

In an odd way, this is like being reunited with an old friend. It's still surreal to me how we both ended up here at the same time, I never would have guessed that I would ever see him again let alone get the chance to undo everything I put in his mind. Many things about this scenario remind me of our time back in Russia, but this time things aren't as somber. However, just like back then, there's still a lot on the line. He glares at me and I proceed.

"Can you tell me what your name is?" I start off simple. He remains silent and uncooperative, which I can't say is surprising considering he likely remembers me from our Hydra days if he remembers anything at all. He's probably confused and scared because of the unfamiliar environment let alone possible memories that might be coming back to him. I lick my lips, trying to find a way to sweeten the deal for him and begin to establish our foundation of trust. 

"I know I said you didn't have to answer anything you're uncomfortable with, and that's true. I also want you to know that the more you can give me, the quicker you can be released. I know you don't want to be in there, I don't want you to be in there. I'm here to help you." In reality, I have no idea if I have the authority to be making this deal, but if it helps him cooperate, then I'll figure the rest out later.

He makes eye contact with me and I can tell he's weighing his options. I can also tell from his facial expressions that he is not currently the activated Soldier, he has life in his eyes. I've only seen the life in his eyes once before, and that was short lived.

"My name is Bucky." He says and I nod, happy with the small victory. 

"Bucky, it's nice to be working with you. Can you tell me what you remember? No detail is too small." I encourage him. He takes a deep breath,

"I remember you. I remember what you did to me, you were the one who put this stuff in my head." He glares harshly. I nod with a quiet sigh knowing this is to be expected.

"Bucky, I remember you too. I want you to know I left Hydra about five years ago. They found me and wanted me back. They didn't get me, and now I work for Shield. Please believe me when I tell you I am not with them anymore, and I am sorry for everything I've ever done to you." I offer him amends. I know this won't erase anything that happened, nor is it enough to even begin apologizing for everything that has happened, but it's a step towards our fresh start. This is something we are going to have to work through together. His eyes soften a touch as he processes what I've said to him. He tilts his head,

"Adalyn Averina." He says and my eyebrows raise a little in surprise, he remembers my full name. I smile,

"Yeah, that's my name." I confirm to him and he nods slightly, as if to confirm to himself he was right. 

"How long have I been here?" He asks me,

"About two weeks total, though I'm told you've been sedated for a majority of that time." I answer. He stays silent and I take the opportunity to encourage him to reveal anything else.

"Do you remember what happened before you came here?" I ask in curiosity. 

"I was on a highway, there was a fight." He keeps his answer short and simple, and I see that he looks confused, or almost like he's struggling to remember. 

"You're right. Do you know who you were fighting?" I ask, pushing my limits to see how much I can get. 

"He had a shield." He simply answers, not giving me a name. It's entirely possible he doesn't know he was fighting Steve. I decide he's given me enough answers, and it's my turn to offer him some. I don't want him to be overwhelmed with not being able to remember things he wants to and need to avert some of his attention.

"Is there anything you want to know from me?" I ask, offering him the same level of vulnerability he offered me. 

"Why did you leave?" He asks, meeting my eyes. I see hurt, sorrow, and curiosity in his gaze, which is a stark contrast from what I remember. I wasn't expecting that question, but I give him the truth.

"I left because Hydra is a corrupt, evil organization. It ruins people and rewards atrocities. I left because I couldn't stand hurting you anymore. I thought that if I left they wouldn't be able to get to you, but it's obvious now that I was wrong." He stays silent. 

"Your father was the one who led the program, right? He had short hair and wore glasses." He describes my father vaguely, yet accurately.

"Yes, he took over the program once Zola was gone and retained leadership for many years. I believe he is dead now, though." I say, hoping to offer him some comfort with my father's death. 

"How did you get out?" He questions after a moment of silence. I recall the day perfectly.

"It wasn't easy. I grabbed everything that I thought was important, said goodbye to my father and his friend, and then I ran. Eventually, I was brought to the United States by a trafficker, and the rest is history." I say, remembering the faces of the children I travelled with over to the United States. They were sold by their families to repay their debts, or voluntarily offered themselves up in hopes of a brighter futures; and I was willingly smuggled. One day maybe I'll tell him the full story but not right now, it's not the right time or place to delve into it.

"Who took over after I left?" I ask him, dreading the answer, if he has it. I have an uneasy feeling that I know who took over, and the thought still makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. 

"Dane Winthrop." He answers and I note that he can remember some things, mainly related to Hydra. He hasn't mentioned anything about his pre-Hydra life, and I think that if he stays un-sedated that they may begin to resurface in the near future; although I won't know until it actually happens.

"He was always a vile person." I say and Bucky meets my eyes. I can tell he's still wary but there's something else there I can't quite identify.

"That would be an understatement. After you left and he took over, they started reprogramming me every week, after every mission." He says, voice becoming softer and raspier at the end of the sentence. I realize now that by fleeing I unintentionally set him up for a nightmare.

"Bucky, I really am sorry for everything. I couldn't stand hurting you anymore, I didn't know they would reprogram you every week, I didn't even know they'd understand how to work with you." I say with the utmost sincerity. He remains quiet. 

I've assessed his condition, and I don't see any reason to believe he will randomly slip into being the Winter Soldier, his mind seems to be stable enough. I don't think he will act out unless he's provoked by something. I feel like I owe him something, anything that I can convince Shield to agree to, and come up with an offer I may not be able to fulfill and for some reason, the words just come out of my mouth before I can think about it.

"I think you're stable enough to be let out of here, you don't seem to be phasing between the Soldier and yourself. Let me talk to some people and I'll get back to you, okay?" I offer and he nods, 

"Thank you." I smile back at him and bow my head before I make my way out to the hallway with Steve. 

"What do you think?" He asks and I take a deep breath. I'm just relieved he hasn't scolded me for making that offer. But, I think Steve is on board for it, I don't think he wants to see his best friend tied up and miserable for much longer. Perhaps his alliance will be more helpful than I originally thought.

"I think he still has a long way to go. But things are better than I anticipated." I answer, knowing that my work is going to be cut out for me. However, I think that the memories and things he can recall right now are a great indicator that other memories are still in his mind.

Steve and I walk out of the room, and discuss a plan on how to get him out of that cage as quickly as possible. I don't like the fact he's been in that cage, it reminds me too much of the way he was kept at Hydra's base and it's likely he feels the same way. I never want him to be reminded of that place ever again, it's about time he starts getting the treatment he deserves and I will do everything in my power to make sure he's treated well and with respect.

[crow-caller]

ive been writing book reveiws for a while, just for me. like, i have a whole file full of docs about books ive liked, hated, or a bit of both. And I want to post them because i find them interesting, but im very nervous that I'll say something wrong or just ramble and sound stupid. You seem very put together though, did you have the same anxieties? if so, how did you overcome them?

(sorry if this is poorly written english is not my first language)

It's nice to know I seem put together, because I'm actually a huge mess and very sloppy!

Book reviews are very fun to write. I love the feeling of finishing a book and thinking about how I'll write up my thoughts. I've gotten better and developed more of a style over time too.

The first thing is to get a blog for it. I'd really recommend wordpress- I cross post here, but tumblr itself isn't a great format for a review blog. I'd also say crosspost to Goodreads/Storygraph. What helps with the anxiety of posting reviews is the fact you'll probably get only a few views. This sounds discouraging but can be a big plus. After having my blog casually for like 4 years and having over 100 (huh??) reviews, my total viewcount was still only a few thousand, like 2k a year. This was enough that friends were reading it and random internet people were, which was nice, but not so high I could panic I was going to get cyberbullied.

Posting a review and getting up to 50 views? That's 50 people who maybe read my review, baby! That's actually nice. That gives space to post reviews and feel confident doing so- getting a bit of positive feedback and feeling rewarded for writing the review, but also plenty of space to get better and improve at review writing. It's a small confidence boost that can encourage you to just keep writing.

I have quite bad anxiety- used to be worse- so I think about my reviews a lot. I also used to be worse at reviews, so I think about my old reviews a lot. The thing is, the best way to improve your writing is to keep writing. Find your own voice and system for it. And reread it! I reread my own reviews every so often to refresh my memory or for fun, and that really helps. Hindsight means I can see where I WISH I'd expanded on something more, phrased it better, or rambled. It's okay to ramble or be informal- I am- but if you're worried you do it too much, ask someone else for their thoughts or try using a structure. My reviews were all over the place until I started using sections like "Plot", "Characters", "Moon Squid Hell"!

Book reviewing is not something that is generally a high octane high fame thing. it's one of my precious hobbies I genuinely love, and if you've been writing reviews only for yourself, you obviously like it too! It'll only get a lot of attention if you're lucky, if you cover the right books, if you're even more lucky... but the reward of just getting to talk about something you read and put your thoughts down is fantastic. I wrote reviews for myself, but I found out by sharing them my friends liked them too, and so the biggest high of finishing a book and review was getting to post it in the group chat and seeing reactions. I really think the feeling of accomplishment for your work will best your anxiety, and rather than be discouraged if you don't get thousands of views immediately, having few views can actually beat your anxiety.

Hope that helps!

[ursa-la-la]

Howdy yall. I kinda forgot how to use Tumblrs long post format since I've been cowed into using multiple post threads on that other hellsite... but that's digressing.

This convention was a hot fucking mess. I'm exhausted and upset about how badly this all went.

Too many people reminded me of how OLD I am and made me circle back to the fear of "I'm too old for this" that has plagued me since I was 20. I thought I was over being insecure about my age and looks since being old should grant you that no fucks given outlook on life but uhhhh nope.

Issue 0- before the con even started I've been so stressed out with working 3rd shift. I've been trying to juggle moving, cleaning this filthy house, doing laundry without any laundry appliances, and dealing with financial bullshit (namely a service person we hired keeps charging my card for their work even though we've provided a different payment form and called them about it multiple times).

Issue 1- birth control that was suppose to stop periods did not stop periods. When I went to go look for a place to buy hygiene products there just... weren't. The closest pharmacy closed down and none of the convenience stores had anything.

Issue 2- tiny. Fucking. Beds. And people unwilling to give up their spot to allow someone who slept on the floor to sleep on the bed (namely mo and I kept rotating but... no one else budged???)

Issue 3- non-convention Townies specifically harassing me. I had a drunk lady keep asking if I had certain things in my purse. I was polite and offered her my hand sanitizer but like. Her and her drunk friends were all laughing at me about it???

Issue 4- the crushing weight of having to pretend to be a responsible adult. A long time before the convention I decided I wanted to wear a sexy outfit and just TRY for once to be okay showing off my body. No one was a creep (thank god) but Jesus christ I ran into at least 3 people with WHOLE ASS BABIES IN BABY WAGON THINGS. AT NIGHT. AT A CONVENTION. Idk if those poor children will remember my jiggly ass titties bouncing all over the place but christ yall. What happened to night time being fair game for just. All the body parts hanging out??? Get a fucking baby sitter???

Issue ultimate- I didn't get to see my former work buddy 😢 the main issue being that I had like 4 different people trying to coordinate things with me and I couldn't handle all the phone traffic coming in. Case in point. On arrival to the con I was 24+ hours without sleep. I wanted to sleep so damn bad but my phone kept going off. My whole goal for the weekend was to catch up with friends and so far I failed that miserably (I'm going to meet a friend outside of the con in a few hours but yeah... everyone else I didn't really... see.)

[edenpoise]

What new addition would make your Tumblr experience so much better?

⁽ @hellsbroadcaster ⁾ ― ： meme. from here .

honestly? nothing all too much would go about making the experience better. considering the fact that actually I have been roleplay for a good portion of, what? 5+ years? I took a very long break at random times and even more randomly would pop back up to prove I'm alive. and every time I came back something was different about how Tumblr ran things, how other stuff happened- graphics, all that fun jazz. usually if something happened that I didn't care for, Xkit was usually there to help fix the mess in some regard. I think just bringing back regular trimming of posts would make things a lot easier, or the formatting of posts from before. It's pretty annoying having to either send a reply, or post it in drafts to try and trim it so it doesn't look like a complete mess on my end!

but in the end thats just formatting and making things look pretty. all in all when it comes to having better experiences on tumblr is meeting and interacting with nice people! I have met a lot of friends on tumblr and still keep in contact a handful even after the years passed. I think the people are the best part of tumblr, it always makes me super happy whenever I return from a hiatus and people I've roleplayed with immediately remember me and are happy.

[crashfnafstuffs]

Some self insert and Lillian content, again.

EDIT: tumblr messed up my format, so the Lillian doodle is at the bottom :[

More context under the cut~

(This is a long ass post, btw, just oc info dumping)

Lillian Torres! She's 26 and an incredibly gifted mechanic and programmer, earning her the job of the Glamrocks' main mechanic. Her brain is really good at formulas, and figuring out how complex things work, and following blueprints!

...however, she's not very good at figuring out other things. Emotions? Relationships? Other people? ..ew. Those are kind of hard for her to understand. (Her story arc is essentially Stupid With Love from Mean Girls)

Lillian's short and curvy, with rose tattoos running across her back, from shoulder to shoulder. She also has some other sleeve tattoos but I haven't designed those yet.

Shes reserved, but blunt with her words. Shes a singer, and she's pretty good, but only because she's been taking lessons for the past 4 years. And.. when she starts working at the Pizzaplex, she wasn't made aware that the bots were sentient or that they moved around at night. So her first meeting with Freddy was quite a shock. As in, she threw her flashlight at him and... dented.. his faceplate.. ANYways--

also shes a Monty simp. Slowburn written by a very impatient artist lmao

Self insert! Their real name is unknown, because everyone at the Pizzaplex calls them Crash because they always knock things over on accident. They work at the front desk for the Superstar Daycare, and they love little kids so much aaa they're so cute!!

Crash also enjoys the antics of the Daycare Attendants. (In my au the boys are separated into two bots later on, but in the beginning they're still one :]) Crash hangs out with the Attendant when the Daycare isn't busy.

Crash is just a much more confident (and more gender neutral) version of me. They're also much braver, but they are just as dumb as I am! So they will run into danger like an idiot himbo twig. (Can a himbo be a twig? Crash has a chest though, are they a bimbo? I wanna be a him-bimbo :[) Also, like me, they love matching their earrings to their outfits, as well as their necklaces and socks! Also, they love the Pizzaplex. They may work there, but they're still like a little kid when they see a concert. The lights and sounds are just so MMM.

They draw fanart for Sun and Moon, and every drawing is hung up in the Attendants room with pride :]

Also Lillian has to keep Crash from breaking the bots or getting themselves hurt. They were hired during the same hiring event (the STAFF bots were becoming uneffective) and they have a... mutual appreciation of each other. They're friends, but not close enough to hang out outside of work, you know?

Anyways Crash is a dca simp because I've been sucked into the dca x reader fics on ao3 and now my self insert is gay for these men. Some Moon. Half Moon. Mostly Moon. Its all Moon, I'm in love with this essentric bitch, Sun is just a nice plus tbh

[darkhalo4321]

I started to post a tweet, but it started to form a long rant and I felt Tumblr was the true home for it. SO- I love having a website for my comic. I REALLY DO. however, the amount of people I attract to that site is...

abysmal.

Mostly because not a lot of webcomic artists with sites do link exchanges like they used to and it feels like everyone's gotta be part of a "collective!" or something. Which... Technically I am part of a magical webcomic collective. called Aradia. It's a small community and while it's slowly gaining traction in it's own way, it's not Spiderforest or Hiveworks and it's not WEBTOONS either. I've been wrestling with the task of making a mirror for my webcomic on webtoons. Some people said "just post the pages! I don't get a lot of views, but it's whatever" My LITERAL THOUGHT when I was told to post my traditional format pages "as is" on a vertical scroll dominated site was "of course you don't have traction! THE FORMAT IS WRONG" I would be reformatting for vertical scroll, and it's full of unknowns. I've never uploaded on there. Will it splice and realign okay? What if I mess it up and it's posted wrong? What if the tone moires weird? What if what if what if... Anxiety. It's holding me back. "but darkhalo4321, what about drawing better? Doing color? Advertising for your webcomic's website??" hahaha oh silly made up audience member. I have done all those things and It's not gotten me far. Maybe if I worked HARDER, Maybe if I were a better ARTIST, Maybe if I had a better STORY, Maybe maybe maybe... I've restarted my comic to have a better story, better art, and worked harder as a result. It's not cutting it. 'm fighting a machine. I'M FIGHTING AN ALGORITHM and I'm losing. The idea of being on webtoons is to gain SOME new eyes on my work via their community and I have many friends on there who have said the canvas community is really nice. I've been very calm and chill the last few months but I'm thinking I've been stuffing those in a box and setting them aside. Today I'm unpacking them a bit. I'm not depressed or disheartened. I an genuinely happy for friends that are hitting some personal goals, excited even! I've been big on enneagram stuff, and when my type goes into the unhealthy types, I tend to look at others and feel... bad that my life is not at that point, so I've been keeping busy to not deal with those feelings and now I'm just venting on tumblr for no one to read/see. Which Is ANXIETY. It all boils down to anxiety. Thanks to my boss at work who is working to become an anxiety/life coach I've been learning how to identify what anxieties are tormenting me and how to handle it when they do. I've been inking pages like crazy and maybe the last minute unplanned stream I tried doing last night where no one tuned in made me sad because like, no one came to watch and my dead twitch account getting no views is what did me in to ranting on tumblr. XD In all reality... I could stand to try harder with getting my content out there, but at the same time, I don't have like any free time to be a content creator on 5 social media sites, one of which is slowly burning, and the other ones favor short form videos which I don't have the patience to make videos for anyways, and I don't really... WANT to anyways. I wanna go back to link exchanges and finding things through other comics and their likes and rinse and repeat... I'll end the rant here XD I'm okay, I promise. Gonna make a mirror for webtoons eventually. If it uploads funky then... so be it. The nerds can call me out I guess? Not that I even plan to check comments or metrics. I don't even look at the numbers for my site anymore because it's... eh. I have better peace of mind posting and running.

[alarriefantasy]

Do you have a footie!louis rec?? I really love ones where he is a professional player. Thank you!!

YES, I DO! Here you go, darling!! :) :) :)

                                      Football Louis Fic Rec

I made a map of your stars by brightbluelou

Words: 5k

or, Harry is the shy boy in the back of the class that no one really notices. Louis is the loud, outgoing football player that everybody likes.

I Long For You by itsprobablylarry

Words: 6k

Harry gets hit in the head by various objects and falls for a boy with blue eyes.

say i hate you but i always stay by clicheanna 

Words: 8k

Or the one where Harry hates Louis, he's almost sure Louis hates him, and they live together. Driving him to football practice everyday is not apart of Harry's plans, but Louis is pretty adamant if it means annoying Harry.

Satan's Got a New Headscarf by larryscape

Words: 9k

Louis: senior captain of the uni football team, president of the literary magazine club, possible theatre major, official loather of anyone who acts a certain way just to fit the theme of their Tumblr

Zayn: senior, does not understand sports, claims to not be addicted to cigarettes, is addicted to cigarettes, proud roommate and bestfriend of Louis

Liam: junior, best friend of Niall Horan and also spell-check, shows up at literary magazine club but has yet to publish anything that does not look like the twitter page of a twelve-year-old

Niall: junior, famous for sonnets about bacon and other breakfast-related items, says he is on the football team, is not really on the football team

Harry: sophomore, wearer of headscarves and skinny jeans, apparent fan of 20th century poetry, unsurprisingly dabbles in the ukulele

we're the new romantics by lovefern 

Words: 16k

Alternatively, a high school au where Louis pines and Harry is not who he seems to be. Featuring peanut butter banana milkshakes, motorcycles, and first times.

say that you can see me (i'll speak up i swear) by coffeelouis 

Words: 20k

or, the liberal arts COLLEGE AU where Harry knows Louis as the best friend of the boy he has been hopelessly in love with for years now and Louis knows Harry as this boy he wished would look away from Zayn long enough to notice him.

Monsters at Home by theteapirate

Words: 21k

High School!AU. Everyone's eyes are on Harry, the beautiful, charming new student. Harry's only got eyes for the school golden boy: football captain Louis Tomlinson, whose homophobic father complicates matters a bit.

Ain't That A Kick In The Head! by lesbianharrie, wreckingtomlinson

Words: 22k

In which Harry’s a disaster gay who doesn’t know shit about soccer, Liam drinks too many blue raspberry Coolattas, Niall knows everyone, Zayn looks dead, and Louis is Not Happy about sharing his breakout moment with “Drunk Hawaiian Guy.”

Barefoot in Blue Jeans by indiaalphawhiskey

Words: 24k

AU. Louis Tomlinson is trying desperately hard not to fall for his son’s au pair, but he can’t, for the life of him, remember why.

Find Another One, Cause She Belongs To Me by AFangirlFantasy, larrysfootballfairy

Words: 25k

or a Girl Direction Uni AU, where Louis is desperately in love with her best friend Harry, who might not be as straight as she thought, Ziam can't fool anyone, and Niall is just happy with football being her only relationship.

You Make Me Want To Sin by lonelymisfit

Words: 28k

Or the very bregruding college AU where Louis is a bad ass frat boy and Harry is a shy and conservative catholic boy who wants to know whether Louis can show him what else he can do on his knees besides pray.

so grab your passport and my hand by infinitelymint

Words: 32k

The one in which Louis plays football and Harry sings a lot, and somehow that means they're meant to be. They'll figure it out soon enough.

Galileo by 13ways

Words: 63k

Louis was captain of the state championship high school soccer team. Harry was that gorgeous, scarf-wearing, long-limbed British kid in his art class. They weren't supposed to be friends.

But somewhere along the line, Louis Tomlinson opened the locked mystery that was Harry Styles.

I hear you calling in the dead of night by Thelonelycoast

Words: 72k

No one really notices Marcel Styles. In fact, Marcel’s so invisible that if his teachers don’t call on him in lessons - and they rarely do - Marcel can go whole days without speaking to anyone other than his mum, his sister, Gemma, his cat, Dusty and the school librarian, Alma. And if he just so happens to have a tiny, miniscule crush on the footie captain, Louis Tomlinson, well, that’s no one’s business but his own. Until Louis notices him back...

This Offer Stands Forever by Tomlinsontoes

Words: 78k

Harry is who high school kids would define as a nerd, he loved going to class and studying, he was just good at school work and saw nothing wrong with liking it. He signs up to tutor students at the middle school down the road where he ends up helping Lottie Tomlinson, younger sister to the ever popular and gorgeous Louis Tomlinson who is also a senior and in a few classes of Harry's. Harry might have a crush on him and not so sure how to act around Louis but hopes he can get close to the other boy and learn everything about him.

i want you so much (but i hate your guts) by becauselarry

Words: 83k

AU in which Louis gets accepted to play for the Manchester University Alpha-Beta Football Team. The only problem: Louis is actually an Omega. He is determined to make it big in the football world, though, and he can't do that bound to an Omega team. With the help of a faked doctor's certificate and some pretty strong suppressants he is ready to fight for his dream.

That Harry Styles (Alpha, second year and youngest football captain of the A-B team in ages) doesn't seem to like him complicates matters, though.

Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow by 1Diamondinthesun 

Words: 84k

Harry spends most of his time in an empty house or a lonely darkroom, dreaming of leaving his small town for art school. He's invisible to most people. And then Louis Tomlinson sees him. Life will never be the same.

Or, the American high school AU loosely inspired by She's All That.

Bring Your Body Baby (I Could Bring You Fame)by theboyfriendstagram

Words: 84k

A self-indulgent AU that takes place over the summer of 2015. 18 year old Harry hates pining after people he can't have, and 23 year old footballer Louis loves flirting with people even though it never means anything.

For Reasons Wretched and Divine by indiaalphawhiskey

Words: 94k

Ten years ago, Harry Styles was just a nerdy kid with one friend and a debilitating crush on the captain of his school’s football team. He thought the stars were smiling down on him the day he and Louis Tomlinson were paired for their end-of-term Literature project. But because Harry’s life is decidedly not a fairytale, the budding friendship quickly leads to the least happy ending of all time.

Now, Harry Styles is a household name. Barely twenty-seven with two Grammy nominations to his name, the singer-songwriter is poised to take the music industry by storm with his highly anticipated third album. So, what happens when the best producer in the business is also the only person Harry’s vowed never to speak to again?

Learning to Breathe by youcomecrash

Words: 110k

He’s playing football at one of the top universities in England and he should love everything about his life right now, but instead he’s moving backwards. How does your past fit into your present? Louis is still figuring it out.

Now In A Minute by thealmightyavocado

Words: 150k

13 feels like yesterday for many people, but for Louis it actually was.

More than anything in the world, Louis Tomlinson dreams of growing up. Simply skipping over all of the awkward, embarrassing years of teenage existence and getting on with life. Real life.

So when thirteen-year-old Louis wakes up in the body of his thirty-year-old self, he expected everything in his adult life to be picture perfect. And maybe it is. He has it all…or so it seems.

Except his favorite person and lifelong best mate, Harry Styles, is totally missing from the equation and Louis doesn’t understand why. He has a lot of catching up to do and as adult life turns out to be more than what he bargained for, Louis can’t help wondering why a life that seemed so perfect, feels so empty.

Or the 13 going on 30 au that should have been done years ago.

Unbelievers by isthatyoularry

Words: 136k

It’s Louis’ senior year, and he’s dead set on doing it right. However, along with his pair of cleats, a healthy dose of sarcasm and his ridiculous best friend, he’s also got a complicated family, a terrifyingly uncertain future, and a mortal enemy making his life just that much worse. Mortal enemies “with benefits” was not exactly the plan.

Or: The one where Louis and Harry definitely aren’t friends, and football is everything.

Pull Me Under by zarah5

Words: 140k

AU. As the first British footballer to come out at the prime of his career, it helps that Louis Tomlinson is in a long-term, committed relationship. Even if that relationship is fake. (Featuring Niall as Louis' favourite teammate, Liam as Louis' agent, and Zayn as Liam's boyfriend, who just happens to be good friends with one Harry Styles.)

You've got to see yourself from far and wide by Emm77

Words: 286k

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