#tvd!crack

[jennifersminds]

THE VAMPIRE DIARIES Klaus Mikaelson and Bonnie Bennett

[cdragons]

Revenant

Summary: Kol Mikaelson's soul manages to leave and travel while he still remains daggered in his coffin. While he wanders around and bitches about his life, he meets an unexpected friend. Warning(s): VERY HEAVY crack fic, technical crossover of fandoms, weird shit, Kol is a horny-ass gremlin, Druig & Kaety are obsessed with each other, Kol has a thing for witches bc he got mommy issues, Klaus is a bitch

Note: Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it! This fic came from an idea that I shared with @ethereal-athalia, and it is VERY much a crack fic. I don't have any plans in continuing this idea, but I wanted to write it out as a Christmas gift to @ethereal-athalia for how much of a good friend she's been to me. I never would have been able to do any of my fics without her in my corner. I own only my Hecate!OC. I do not own either Druig from Eternals, or Kol from TVD franchise. Also, Druig still very much exists in this fic and world bc I physically CANNOT write Kaety without Druig. Stay safe and hope that your upcoming year brings you all good health and happiness!

Kol hated being dead. Truly dead. Dead in a way that he couldn’t move or speak or live.

At least when he turned as a gift Mother Dearest he could still walk, even if he couldn’t use the arcane anymore. But of course, he would still always find his way back to witches and their magic. He couldn’t help it if he exuded that charm that made him so irresistible.

Gods, just remembering how pathetically sex-deprived his physical form was currently almost made him weep. He couldn’t wait until the moment he got that fucking silver dagger out of his chest. Nik was going to get it when he finally got out.

Sure, he may have crossed a line when he stated that Nik had a pair of buttocks flatter than a sheet of paper. But was he the one that gave his brother such lacking assets? No. That fault lied entirely with their mother and his biological father, thank you very much.

But alas, here his soul was, walking in a forest in the middle of some mosquito-flooded country.

At the very least, his gorgeous body was safe from the onslaught of bug bites and sweltering humidity. Only in the fucking Amazon did winter feel like summer.

Kol audibly groaned once more at the thought of his immaculate figure rotting away thanks to Nik. He couldn’t bear to think about how his illustrious fair skin being that dull grayish hue from being confined by death. At least when Bekah got daggered, Nik had the decency to make sure that her body remained stored in proper conditions and carefully encased in magic to prevent any harm coming to her. He had no guarantee. No, such love and devotion only went to ‘Lijah and Bekah when it came to Nik.

Story of his life: always an outsider, even with his own fucking siblings. Gods, he wanted nothing more than have his powers return to him. At least with magic by his side he’d finally be able to show Nik he wasn’t the only one with threats, he’d show him, he’d –

“Well, well, well,” came a new voice, “aren’t you a strange sight?”

Kol immediately turned his head to locate the mindless idiot that dared to interrupt his thoughts. Did humans devolve so pathetically that they no longer understood that when they see a soul wandering alone, that soul would likely be uninterested in any attempts of conversation? But looking at the individual who spoke to him, he was shocked beyond himself to witness such a devastatingly gorgeous woman before him. She had dark almond-shaped eyes and tall with legs that went on for miles. And her thick and illustrious raven waves practically flowed down the middle of her back like a black waterfall.

Dare he say it, this woman was almost as beautiful than him.  

But regardless of how pleasing her outward appearance may be, she still would not be spared from his fury.

Pity, he would have loved to wrap those legs around his waist if he were actually here.

The corners of the woman’s lips went upward, and the cupid’s bow of her mouth was slightly pursed as she smirked, making her lips look plumper and more bitable than how they had right to be in the Original’s opinion. It was only a few seconds before the succubus burst out laughing. Her entire body arched with her back as she simply couldn’t contain herself.

“I’m sorry,” she said once he began to calm down, “but I’m afraid that I happen to be very happily married. In fact, I have been for the past near seven thousand years.” After making a quick glance up and down Kol’s near transparent form, she continued with a cat-like grin. “And I highly doubt someone as woefully young as you could satisfy a woman like me.”

Oh, now he was offended. Not being able to satisfy– did this woman have any idea who she was talking to? The list of names of men and women that swore they only believed in Heaven when Kol fucked them was so long that it would wrap the Earth twice. And she better believe than each time was more than consensual – they were begging him very enthusiastically to say the least. Who was this lady to assume –

Wait, did she say seven thousand years?

As if she could hear his thoughts, all the woman did was smiled before extending her hand.

“I think I’d like it very much if you and I became friends.”

Extending his own, Kol was surprised to see that his hand didn’t just pass through like it normally would for most physical objects. He could actually grasp her hand and feel the warmth passing through it. For the first time in…forever, Kol felt warmth flooding through him. He stared into her eyes, wondering how on Earth someone could live for seven thousand years. Even if she had the gift of mediumship, his presence was too well-hidden for even the most gifted and powerful medium to sense him.

Kol had to know more of her. He’d go mad if he didn’t.

“What are you exactly?” he carefully asked.

He could sense that this person was a being of extreme power. In the top of her finger, she likely contained far more power than Nik could possibly imagine, even in his wildest dreams. It seemed that being an invisible soul floating in the wind had its perks after all. If he was alive, walking and about, he’d never come across this marvel of a woman.

“I’d prefer if you began that question with ‘who’ than ‘what,’ but I suppose that matters little in this situation. My name is Kaetlyn, I prefer Kaet for my friends, but you may know me better as-”

“Hekate,” he whispered in awe, “Goddess of Magic. Titaness Mother of Witches and Monsters.”

“Surprised in a good way I hope?” Kaet asked with one brow raised.

“More or less, but I did imagine you about 30 feet taller with the night sky for skin and two more heads.”

“Well,” she softly chuckled, “I hope I didn’t disappoint you with my appearance. Now I’ll forgive you just this once for interrupting me. But only if you allow me to take you to my home.”

“Oh?” Kol asked, a salacious grin spreading across his face. Now things were getting interesting.

“Save it Kol Mikaelson-” ordered the ancient goddess as she raised her hand to her face as she pointed at him in warning- “I am taking you to the village that I run with my husband. So, I suggest that you keep your hands to yourself because he has a nasty little habit of being showing exactly how off-limits I am to youngsters such as yourself.”

“I never told you my-”

“You were once a witch, and I am the mother of magic. All witches and their magic came from me, including you.”

It really was so unfair how good she looked while talking over him. Oh well, he might as well play along. Finally, something interesting was happening in his life.

“So, who is this husband of yours, darling? And how can you be so sure that your husband could be a threat to me? You know who I am, what I became. What makes you so sure that once I enter your village, I won’t use my ghostly ways to end him.”

When Kol finished, he immediately felt a shift in the air. It was as if the sun had disappeared and the jungle went silent. It seemed that the animals that served as their audience went dead silent as if they were in anticipation for his end. The kind and amiable mirth of the chthonic witch shifted to dangerous and cold.

Kol had lived for over 700 years and after everything he done and witnessed, he had never felt such chill run down his spine.

“Listen well,” she began – her tone laced with the power and authority that came from someone of her position, “I won’t try to humor you with answering that ridiculous question, nor do I intend to let you presume that my kindness can be mistaken for naivety. My husband is one with abilities as ancient and powerful as mine. If you truly knew what he was capable of, you’d be far more terrified of him than you ever were of your father. That being said, if you ever try to threaten my husband or even think about go so far to joke about it again, I promise you that I can produce torture and incite fear that would make the devil weep in pity for you.”

Oh fuck, even as a ghost, Kol should not have been as aroused by her threats as he was in that moment.

But soon the tension dissipated and warmth from the sun returned to pass through him once more.

“Now that we have that matter cleared up, we really should get going. The sun’s about to set and you never know what or who would be lurking at night.”

With that being the final word, The Good Lady of the Night and Shadows turned around and made her way back to where he presumed to be the location of her home village. And what else could he do but follow her by how the slight sway of her hips seemed to beckon him.

Threats and chills mixed a beautiful witch with magic more ancient than time itself, Kol couldn’t remember the last time he felt so alive.

Authors' Note: And when Kol enters the village, he tries to flirt with Kaet in front of Druig like a dumbass, and his soul gets a major ass-whooping.

Tagging: @ethereal-athalia, @valeskafics, @klauslove, @carolineforbae, @misssophiachase

Reblog and comment and like and share to anyone you think may like to read this fic!

[daenysthedreamer101]

Kassie'a birthday gift for the big bad wolf

You know Kassie would wear something like this to piss off Klaus 😝

TVD masterlist

[tophsazulas]

*Stefan and Klaus are planning to break in somewhere*

Stefan: We need to distract the guards.

Klaus: Right.

Stefan: What are we gonna do?

Klaus: I'm gonna break their elbows while you poke their eyes.

Stefan:

Klaus:

Stefan: Deal.

[riderofblackdragons]

Day 6: Russian Roulette

Ok so this one is not part an established au, its literally just something i came up with on the fly. And to clarify, it's probably not going to get expanded on either, this is all for this au.

thanks for reading and I hope yall enjoy!

“Now, Father,” Elijah eyes Mikael, the way he was straining against the magic keeping him at his seat.

Witches would never give up the opportunity to remove an entire line of vampires from the world, after all. Nature had decreed that vampires were against it, and the witches he’d gone to were willing to risk everything for this little plan of his, since he guaranteed the death of one Original. This little game was the perfect chance for them.

“We’re going to play a game,” Elijah allowed a smile to creep onto his face, although the was not warmth behind it.

To his right, Niklaus was bound just as tightly, although he was still unconscious. To his left, Finn, in the same condition as Niklaus. Elijah’s youngest siblings were managing the witches, ensuring that they wouldn’t kill any more than one of them. The witches may have been essential to his plan, but Elijah knew of all the ways that he and his siblings could be killed, and he wanted to ensure fairness.

“What?” Mikael asked. “Elijah?”

Seemed his head was still a bit foggy still. Maybe he wasn’t used to having his neck snapped… On the other hand, Elijah didn’t really care. What mattered was that he’d gotten Mikael, and set up this game for them to play together as a family.

Still, he didn’t want Rebekah or Kol to die, hence putting them on guard duty. Niklaus hadn’t expected Elijah to drug and kill him, and Finn had just required for Elijah to pull the dagger from his chest once they were in position.

And, there. He spotted the tell-tale signs of his brothers waking up, the fluttering of eyes, the greyness finally completely gone. The tugging at their bonds, like they’d be able to break out. If they could, Elijah would murder the entire coven of those that had helped him with this.

“There’s a fascinating game that I heard of recently,” Elijah continued. He knew he sounded a little mad, but he didn’t care. A mental break was the least of his problems, after all he’d been through in the last year or so. “Someone I know taught it to me.

“Of course, she was using regular bullets, but, well… Let’s just say I’ve modified it a little,”

He placed the gun on the table, its barrel facing his father. “Russian roulette,” Elijah announced. “One gun, six chambers. Typically, 5 of 6 are empty, and the last is filled with a bullet.”

He opened the gun, exposing how all the bullets were still inside. “But we’re all vampires here, aren’t we? We cannot die from a mere bullet.

“Today, we play with all 6 chambers filled. But, one of the bullets has white oak inside it. I do not know which, you don’t know which. I will fire at each of us until someone is dead for good, and not coming back.

“And it will be completely random.”

His smile sent shivers down the spines of his family. Elijah was always so warm towards them, so loving towards his siblings. It seemed utterly foreign for him to be so willing to put them on the chopping block. Especially Niklaus, who he’d always held a fondness for.

The only thing that would have been stranger was if Elijah had trapped Kol down here too. He’d raised the boy, in a way he hadn’t really with the rest of his younger siblings. It was the only thing peeking through of his former attitude, that neither Kol nor Rebekah were down here.

Suddenly, Elijah spun the gun around, before he picked it up again and shot Mikael in the chest. The borderline manic expression was gone, replaced by a determined look. The gun was placed back on the table, and then they waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Mikael woke with a loud gasp, jolting forwards, as though he expected to be free of his restraints. Instead, Elijah took the gun and shot Niklaus next, his favoured brother’s eyes only having enough time to go wide before he was out for the count.

And so, again they waited.

It seemed there was less time between Niklaus’ death and revival compared to Mikael’s, which was interesting. If they weren’t already busy under Elijah’s insane agenda, someone probably would have taken a note of that.

In the meanwhile, Niklaus woke, and Elijah shot himself. Straight in the chest, zero hesitation. Even though he was aware that by doing so, it was likely that he wouldn’t be coming back up.

He did, however. Barely half an hour after, Elijah was back on his feet, wrinkling his nose at the blood that was now on his shirt. And then, of course, it was Finn’s turn to be shot.

Whilst Finn was out, Elijah left for a few minutes. He came back quickly, in a new shirt, and picked up the gun once more to examine it.

“Now, the game changes,” He told them, once Finn was back amongst the living. “There are two bullets left. One can kill temporarily, the other permanently. So, we shall proceed in a manor more akin to the traditional roulette.”

In saying so, Elijah opened up the barrel, revealing the shells of used bullets, and the two remaining ones. He shook out the shells, and moved the bullets around, to make it truly random. Then, he put the gun back to rights, and shot at Mikael.

Of course, it was empty that time. And so Niklaus was shot almost immediately afterwards, although this time it was with a proper bullet, putting him down for the count. Finn found he could barely breathe, although Elijah seemed completely unconcerned about it. Tension hung in the air as they waited to see if Niklaus would make it back up or not.

He did, and Finn found himself breathing a sigh of relief. He hadn’t thought that he would care if his siblings died, monsters that they’d turned into, but apparently he did. Even with the ways Niklaus had grown uncontrollable and inhumane over the years, keeping Finn himself daggered for most them as well, he was still Finn’s little brother, who he could remember trying to toddle after Elijah when they were all young.

The next shot, aimed at Elijah, clicked. Empty. The one after, Finn’s turn, also clicked with the trigger’s pull. Also empty.

The last shot went straight into their father, Mikael bursting into flames barely a minute after it entered his heart. Close as he was, Finn could feel the heat against his skin, and instinctively struggled to get away from it.

Across from him, Finn could see Niklaus doing the same, but Elijah just tilted his head and watched as the man they’d called father their whole lives died as a raging pillar.

He didn’t try to help them at all, just stood there and looked into the fire. For a moment, Finn swore he saw longing in Elijah’s eyes, like he’d wanted the White Oak bullet to enter his chest instead of Mikael’s.

And then, with a blink of an eye, it was all over. Elijah vanished in a burst of speed, Mikael’s corpse turning to low embers as it ran out of fuel. Finn felt his restraints loosen and so stood up, and could see that Niklaus had the same plan as his came undone at the same time.

“We need to find Elijah,” Niklaus stated, and Finn agreed.

Clearly, something was wrong with his younger brother, if he’d decided to resort to this. And for what, exactly? Sure, constantly running was tiring, but as far as Finn had known, Elijah wasn’t complaining about it or anything. Something had to have happened to make Elijah decide that killing Mikael was the best thing to do, instead of merely continuing to run.

[laufire]

you're marrying a guy that killed my boyfriend so while I want to ~be part of your happiness~ I'm going to dress in white and look better than you while you do it. okay? okay.

Bonnie Bennett.

[matt-murdick]

tvd hc: the reason Rebekah hates Sage and thinks she’s a whore is bc she once saw Sage picking up a guy in a bar and when she told Finn he was like “and???” bc Esther and Aunt Dahlia taught him at a young age that snitches get stitches end up in ditches, but also he forgot that most people don’t assume his gf picking up a guy in a bar was for a threesome.

[ladicsa]

i'm sorry this quick shot to stefan standing on the cliff is so fucking funny

[kaizsche]

looking for the answer (i can see as clear as day)

SUMMARY:

As a writer stuck in a mindless, never-ending, infinite loop of writer's block, Elena Gilbert HAS to write the draft of her next chapter. Or else her editor will kill her. Legitimately. It's up to her to locate a willing vampire to compel her to write since her mother turned her down. She cajoles Jeremy into taking her to New Orleans. Shit blows up in her face.

or...

An AU where Isobel and John are Elena’s parents. Nadia helps them to shield Elena from Klaus’ gaze. Abby Bennett gives Klaus Mikael’s body if he and his family promises not to take a step inside Mystic Falls. Everybody is undaggered and living a happy life in NOLA. (except for klaus for obvious reasons, of course)

click here to read the fic

[stonedgilbert]

jeremy has never met anyone from the originals, but please know that if he had, he'd sleep with ... a Good Amount of them

[haha-tt]

When you wish there were fanfic of fanfics...

[dhampirslays]

Klaus: You need to get along, bloody hell you’re sisters ! Hope & Jo, in unison: Like sisters. Buffy: Well at least they agreed on something.

[book-tease]

staring at the cover of my new book while i continue to rewatch the vampire diaries instead of reading it…

[tophsazulas]

Klaus: You know what bothers me? Bats. Why can bats fly?

Damon: Not again!

Klaus: No. Seriously, who gave them the right? They're mammals! Mammals walk on land, no exceptions.

Bonnie: Just wait until you hear about whales.

Klaus: What now?

[laufire]

elena's coma-bed strategising isn't as impressive as it was in her prime, obviously, but she does try!

[xxe123spiderfreakxx]

shadow and katherine pierce would be besties. and if you had gone through katherine's phone in 2010 you would have found the entire 2006 shadow the hedgehog video game soundtrack pirated. and that's how she got into industrial.

katerina petrova loves julien k bitch.

her and shadow go on motorcycle rides (even though they're both fast as fuck and regularly race each other) and fucking smoke cigarettes together while being targeted by the US military. they're cool as fuck, they're gay. they're traumatized. and their comraderie? fucking aces.

this is my best crossover since I talked about naru and cream having a tea party and exchanging ghost stories. or my ghost hunt and bfu crossover. beautiful marriages of fandoms- I'm a master of crack friendships, and im 22.