#two weeks ago i cried for 20 minutes in an Uber because of a doctor appointment that wasn't great

[pixiedustandbluebutterflies]

"You have a really good attitude about your terrible, chronic, degenerative health conditions."

Well, my options are either deal with it or kill myself so ✌️

[sparkly-dragon67]

Tagged by : @themanwithakeyisking thanks, dear Rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people THE LAST 1. drink: Orange juice
2. phone call: Uber driver 
3. text message: A meme to one of my BFFs
4. song you listened to: Mamacita by Super Junior
5. time you cried: Can't remember but not that long ago maybe a week 6. dated someone twice: I’ve never dated. 
7. kissed someone and regretted it: never kissed anyone.
8. been cheated on: No.
9. lost someone special: No
10. been depressed: Yup
11. gotten drunk and thrown up: No. 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS 12. Blue
13. Pink
14. Grey 
IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. made new friends: Yes.
16. fallen out of love: Never fell in to fall out anyway 
17. laughed until you cried: Yup
18. found out someone was talking about you: Nah but they probably are 
19. met someone who changed you: Yes.
20. found out who your friends are: Oh you have no idea
21. kissed someone on your facebook list: Nope. GENERAL 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: A lot of them but not everyone
23. do you have any pets: No 
24. do you want to change your name: no I'm pretty okay with my name
25. what did you do for your last birthday: Hahaha studied for my chemistry final that was next morning. Good times. 
26. what time did you wake up: 12 AM.
27. what were you doing at midnight last night: Going through Kyuhyun's tag (save me...or don't)
28. name something you can’t wait for: Infinity War 
29. when was the last time you saw your mom: 10 minutes ago
31. what are you listening to right now: Chateau by Blackbear 
32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: No 
33. something that is getting on your nerves: Taylor Swift related posts/articles. Seriously she's everywhere. 
34. most visited website: YouTube , Tumblr and Facebook. 
35. hair colour: Black
36. long or short hair: Short (Pop Cut)
37. do you have a crush on someone: Currently SuJu's Kyuhyun, GOT7's Yugyeom and Exo's Sehun 38. what do you like about yourself: I can make people laugh
39. want any piercings: No I'm pretty scared and I forget to wear earring 
40. blood type: AB+
41. nickname: Maryouma 
42. relationship status: Single.
43. zodiac: Gemini
44. pronouns: She/Her.
45. favourite tv show: (Can't choose just one) Sherlock, Doctor Who, Hannibal, Orphan Black,Supernatural, Daredevil, Jessica Jones 
46. tattoos: I don’t have any.
47. right or left handed: Right handed.
48. surgery: Two, tonsillectomy and gastric sleeve
49. piercing: one in each ear
50. sport: Swimming 
51. vacation: didn't go anywhere this year
52. pair of trainers: Adidas Superstar MORE GENERAL 53. eating: A snickers bar
54. drinking: Nothing 
55. im about to: Watch some videos of Kyuhyun on YT (it's a serious crush) 
56. waiting for: Next month to dye my hair
57. want: my hair to turn out fine when I dye it 🙏🏼
58. get married: Maybe if I find the right person
59. career: Probably something related to computers WHICH IS BETTER 60. hugs or kisses: I'm affection deprived so I'll take what I can get
61. lips or eyes: Eyes.
62. shorter or taller: taller
63. older or younger: Older.
64. nice arms or nice stomach: Nice arms
65. hook up or relationship: Relationship.
66. troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant HAVE YOU EVER 67. kissed a stranger: No.
68. drank hard liquor: Nope.
69. lost glasses/contact lenses: A moments of silence for all the contacts I lost. 
70. turned someone down: Yes
71. sex on the first date: No 
72. broken someone’s heart: Unfortunately but because the relationship was draining me of happiness 
73. had your heart broken: Nope.
74. been arrested: No.
75. cried when someone died: Yes.
76. fallen for a friend: No. DO YOU BELIEVE IN 77. yourself: Sometimes.
78. miracles: A lot.
79. love at first sight: Not really because I used to dislike everyone close to me right now when I first saw them 
80. santa claus: No 
81. kiss on the first date: No.
82. angels: Yeah. OTHER 83. current best friends name: Mhmm I have 3 
84. eye colour: Reaally dark brown it's almost black 85. favorite movie: I really can't choose I'll tag: @marimaid7 @devilhoseok

[racheltkellogg]

From Battleground to Higher Ground

Wow, it’s already Halloween! Time has really escaped me in the last month. That means a lot has happened in the past few weeks. Truly, much more than I’ve wanted to share until this point. In talking about the many battles I’ve faced this year, I’m finally starting to feel like a bit of a broken record. In the last month, I’ve been accused of ruining lives due to my illness. I’ve been accused of dragging people down with “my medical”. Quite frankly, I’ve really been put through the wringer emotionally. Life is about as unclear now as it was right after my diagnosis and I had to stop working. But in the midst of all that noise, this blanket of peace is covering me. That peace is God and knowing He’s the ultimate Author of my life. God gives the toughest battles to His strongest warriors. I can’t help but acknowledge this passion in my soul to live a life filled with people who are fighting – and struggling to fight – just as I am.

Exactly one day after my last blog update, I was rushed to the ER here in Seattle. It was a very unfortunate situation since I was making positive strides, physically and mentally, after my long hospitalization. Just before the close of September, I found out some devastating, heartbreaking news. You guys know me, I’m an open book. But this particular situation was so triggering, I simply don’t want to share what happened. Many of you know I’ve jumped through hoops after my latest boyfriend and I broke up. That was just two months ago. Since then I’ve undergone a 3-and-a-half week hospitalization, had to dump my former living situation and move, have been fundraising like crazy to keep a roof over my head – and now, a scary trip to the ER. In this span of a month, I’ve also learned I won’t be returning to television news any time soon – if ever. I’ll get more into the work update later in this post, but first I want to focus on the story surrounding this ER visit. It’ll give you a better sense of how strongly my chronic illness is fueled by my emotions. During the evening of Friday, September 29th, I was shocked by some unexpected personal news. In the moments following the discovery, I engaged in a phone call that was demeaning and negative beyond belief. Those 20-short minutes led me into a spiral of anxiety that I couldn’t control. My body reacted in a way it never has before. I was vomiting profusely, nearly convulsing at times. I’ve truly never experienced anything like this before. Luckily, in that moment while vomiting, I had the wherewithal to text the person I last spoke with and demanded they call 911. Next thing I know, I’m being hauled away in an ambulance and would spend the next seven hours in the emergency room. I underwent even more tests, and doctors/nurses continued to monitor my vitals throughout the night.

I was finally discharged after 6am Saturday morning. I had to order an Uber to get home because I didn’t have my car. By the way, there’s nothing more humbling than getting home from the ER in an Uber - especially while recovering from your own emergency situation. Later that morning, I saw my therapist. I cried for the first 20 minutes of my appointment. I couldn’t spit out a single word. Just a few hours before that, I was discharged. I still hadn’t processed the news from the night before, or the surprise ER visit. For the next two weeks, I couldn’t eat. I tried, but fought endless amounts of nausea and heightened anxiety. It was as if a lion was chasing me for seven to 10 straight days. My GP flared up. I lost more weight (down to 110lbs). My doctors became more worried - and that alone induces more personal stress for me. I’ve been praying for my situation for months, but after this ER visit, I couldn’t stop praying. I was so spent, I found myself asking – how is this life even worth it?

Here’s where God comes in - it’s crazy. Just 12 hours after being discharged from the ER, I attended an anniversary party for my church. About 30 minutes into that party, I got an email congratulating me on being chosen as an Ambassador for the inspirational brand, Live A Great Story. This is huge for me. I’ve been following the movement for three years - about the amount of time it’s been around. Man, timing is everything. I found myself thanking Jesus moments after I received the news of my ambassadorship. Not only for the opportunity, but because I know it’s affirmation from God that He wants me to LIVE OUT A GREAT STORY with my illness. I had to remind myself of the positives I’ve learned from this life-changing journey, once again. God reminded me WHY I’m on this path. Certainly, it’s not for me alone - but for the lives I hope to touch and inspire right now and in the future.

As an ambassador, I want to share positivity, love and encouragement around the Seattle area. This city is amazing and deserves the empowering message surrounded by this movement. One that truly reflects the life of Jesus, too! He lived the greatest, most selfless story of all - so why can’t I?

Soon here, I’ll be organizing a few events to try and inspire Seattleites to live a great story. Maybe a Day of Kindness, or a day of storytelling - where people can share their struggles only to be accepted for them. If you have ANY ideas, I wanna hear all about them!

Shortly after my visit to the ER, I enrolled in a DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) Skills training group. Not only do I need the skills of emotional regulation and all that therapy, but heck - it’ll be valuable information to use in my next adventure as a life coach. It’s not cheap, but it’s time I truly start investing in myself and my health.

Now to the health update!

Since my weight has been on the steady decline, my psychiatrist (who’s more supportive than my primary doctor) referred me to a dietician in Seattle who specializes in gastrointestinal disorders. She’s been a God-send, but such a huge damper on my finances. I’ve seen some good progress in the last two weeks of seeing her - but I’m now on all kinds of supplements that range from $30-$70 per bottle. Multiply that by 5 bottles. Health and illness are both so expensive…and mind you, these supplements need to be taken several times throughout the day - so I’m already running out. 

Some of those supplements are supposed to help combat my fatigue. I’ve been dealing with some harsh fatigue for years (thanks overnight shift), but it got a whole lot worse when eating became an obstacle. Obviously, when you don’t eat - your body doesn’t produce energy. So now we’re trying to retrain my stomach/body in hopes it can heal and normalize itself. My dietician’s overall goal for me during that process is to eat six small meals a day. I’ve only been able to stomach about three small meals so far. Sometimes only two. And as sad as it sounds, my six meals consist of two half smoothies, two tiny (super basic) turkey sandwiches, and soup. So I’m eating the same foods every day, multiple times per day. Exhilarating! Right now, she also has me doing the HCL Challenge. If you don’t know, HCL stands for Hydrochloric Acid - and it helps break down the foods in your stomach. I started the challenge by taking one HCL capsule, and need to increase my dosage by one capsule every day until I feel heart burn. I took NINE CAPSULES today, and I still don’t feel any “warming” or “burning”. That means my stomach is likely very deficient in HCL. I’m not sure if that’s due to my GP, or if that’s one of the factors that contribute to my GP. It’s like the chicken or the egg.

In the last two weeks, I also found out I won’t be returning to TV news in quite some time. Due to my illness, my doctors and I had to come up with a list of accommodations before I could actually return to work. My leave of absence was extended two weeks longer than it was supposed to be - and that’s because my employer and my doctor were back and forth in the discussion. After all that, my employer came back and said they could not meet the necessary accommodations. That means I either have five weeks to try and magically get better (*ahem, GP’s chronic*), or come up with some other plan to put me on long-term disability. The latter is clearly the only route I can realistically take since I’m still dealing with symptoms daily. Some days are obviously worse than others - but my illness isn’t conducive to the nature of the news business. 

My not being able to return to work is a huge hit to January’s goal of beginning my life coach certification. At this point, I have zero finances for it. None. I’ll continue to pray for the funds necessary to join and finish the program - and I kindly ask for your prayers, too! I could use a bit of clarity on the necessary “next” steps He wants me to take. Should I work with the mentally ill in a behavioral hospital? Start a support group? How do I pay for the bills with all these rising medical expenses? I’ve also been trying hard to get an appointment with a GI doctor who specializes in Gastroparesis. She works out of the University of Washington - and man, the process has taken well over a month just to make an appointment. It’s difficult to be seen at UW. The hospital requires a “patient review process”, and several of my doctors haven’t been as attentive with my information as necessary. I’ve had to become my own super-advocate because some of my doctors just forget. Seeing this new GI doctor is very important. I’m currently not seeing a gastroenterologist and haven’t since my last one diagnosed me via email and dodged out of town for over a week. I was left to research my “death-threat” disease online by myself. I say “death threat” because I literally thought I was going to die after all the crap I read online. After that situation, I ditched that doctor and her hospital and started seeing my functional medicine doctor. Since then, It’s taken months to find a good GI who is well-versed and highly educated in my illness. All in all, UW is still processing my medical records before they can accept me as a patient. I could use prayers for a speedy and positive response to that request. 

As always, I just want to thank you for keeping up with journey, sharing my story, and even donating to my GoFundMe campaign. If you haven’t, and want to help with my current battle, you can access it under my blog’s headline - or just by clicking right here! If you don’t have money to spare, that’s SO okay! I still appreciate your love and concern more than you know. And if you could share my story or the link with others who may be able to help, then I’m forever indebted to you. Gosh, I’m so blessed by all the good friends and loved ones that are helping me through this really difficult time. I love you guys so, so, so, so much!

On a short and final note: I just wanna make sure my Cali friends+fam know there’s no way I’m moving back after the past few weeks Seattle. This city has resources. Seattle has seasons. Colorful trees. Misty, moody and beautiful rain. The ocean. Lakes. Islands. I’m in awe. Fall, I have truly fallen head over heels for you! 

Thank you again for reading! Until next time! MUCH LOVE<3