#and like i literally sobbed myself to sleep last night because of my pain level

[pixiedustandbluebutterflies]

"You have a really good attitude about your terrible, chronic, degenerative health conditions."

Well, my options are either deal with it or kill myself so ✌️

[nythroughthelens]

(This is one of the most personal pieces of writing about myself and my snow photography that I have ever shared. It includes Cure lyrics, a smattering of beautiful painful memories, etc. It was shared 5 years ago when my book New York in the Snow made it into The NY Times.)

It's early morning. I am 10 years old.

I'm sitting at the kitchen table furiously scribbling details onto a blueprint that I've painstakingly drawn over the course of the last five days.

The blueprint is for my own chocolate factory fueled by my fourth reading of Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

The drawing and its details are etched onto blank newsprint sheets that my family refers to as scrap paper.

---

My father fell into his job as a union pressman for the Daily News out of necessity.

He had just moved to New York City with next to nothing aside from his wife, a suitcase full of clothing, and a few dollars.

Having only completed a Junior High School level education in the poor farming community he lived in growing up, he didn't have a lot of choice when it came to joining the workforce.

When someone introduced him to the newspaper Pressman's Union, his life changed. The union took him in and trained him in the brute art of loading printing presses endlessly.

He worked nights for the next 20 years loading printing presses for the Daily News. His knees and back suffered as did his general mood. He was an irascible character that I rarely saw. But he was an irascible character that kept a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs.

In 1993, he moved from loading printing presses for the Daily News to doing the same exact thing for the New York Times. This was a huge deal for him. Even though he was still breaking his back literally and metaphorically, the clout of working for the Times vs the Daily News was enough to make him smile (a rarity) and celebrate when he got confirmation of the upward move to the Times.

I grew up with an understanding that the New York Times was a paper that held weight in the minds of many. But it was the place where other people got mentioned and written about. It was a place to admire other people, not the people I grew up with or even people like myself who were living on the bitter edges of poverty barely eeking out an existence.

Because of my father, I grew up with newspaper.

I relished the large amounts of blank newsprint scrap paper that existed in our house. It was the kindling for my escapist imagination.

On this blank newsprint canvas I would scrawl out information about my endless Dungeon and Dragons campaigns and story arcs, and draw blueprints for my future fantasy wardrobes reminiscent of the one in Chronicles of Narnia.

---

It's a grim, rainy afternoon. I am 25 years old.

I have just celebrated my birthday and I am sitting on a couch I rescued from the trash at one point.

I have been living on my own for the last seven years having been disowned by my parents due to religious differences.

The only break in the loud silence of being disowned came in the form of a phone call from my mother when I was 20 years old. She called to let me know that my father died.

I start listening to a Sigur Ros album.

The music swells to an emotive crescendo. It's the type of crescendo that propagates self-reflection. I start to try to imagine my future and start bawling. It's not pretty tears that I cry but rather it's soul-wrenching ugly streams of futility and despair that pour down my face.

I've been working seven days a week in dead-end jobs for years and I am so tired.

My roommate and his girlfriend come home right at that moment. He sees me on the couch bawling and sits next to me. Without any words exchanged, we hug for a good half hour while I sob uncontrollably. I feel his ribs poking out and it reminds me of how fragile existence is.

I go to sleep that night the same way I have been going to sleep for years, recalling a blizzard that happened when I was a child.

My father had to stay home from work that night since the trains were not running. Our neighbors offered use of their sleds and my parents happily took them up on the offer.

As soon as my father stepped outside, his face erupted into a huge grin as he pulled me and my brothers on the sled through the streets of Flushing.

The wind kissed our faces and the snow swirled like confetti in a ticker-tape parade.

I looked up at the street lights and realized that in that moment, everything was full of wonder and magic.

And I returned to this moment every night for years when bedtime was the only thing I looked forward to.

----

It's almost midnight. It's the Winter of 2012.

I am feverishly checking the weather forecast to figure out when the first snowflakes will fall to the ground.

I listen to The Cure - Plainsong on repeat. It's my ritual before every snowstorm.

The chimes start and as the lyrics kick in, I get goosebumps:

"I think it's dark and it looks like it's rain, you said

And the wind is blowing like it's the end of the world, you said

And it's so cold, it's like the cold if you were dead

And you smiled for a second

I think I'm old and I'm feeling pain, you said

And it's all running out like it's the end of the world, you said

And it's so cold, it's like the cold if you were dead

And you smiled for a second

Sometimes you make me feel

Like I'm living at the edge of the world

Like I'm living at the edge of the world

It's just the way I smile, you said"

I have felt like I've been living at the edge of the world for what seems like an eternity.

It's these lyics I hear in my mind when I walk seven or eight miles in snowstorms trying to capture what loneliness, isolation, and nostalgia have felt like trying to survive alone in New York City.

I lose myself everytime I go out in the snow.

I lose the feeling of hunger gnawing its way through my stomach for years.

I lose the crushing feeling of futility I used to feel heading to endless dead-end jobs hoping to keep the lights on for another month.

I lose the years of wondering if my family ever thinks of me.

I lose the bits of myself that suffered the most.

I lose the anger, the sadness, the loss.

I am cleansed by the flakes as they flutter in the night air and land on my nose and eyelashes.

I am, momentarily, that child in my neighbor's sled looking up at streetlights marveling at the wonder of existence.

----

It's today.

I walk to the newsstand.

I open the New York Times and see my book, New York in the Snow, staring back at me.

I grin for what seems like an eternity.

----

(shared before another season of sharing my snow photography)

[by-kilian]

It’s ur “💙” anon coming with part 2 bc she definitely can

Now you see i can’t send photos or gifs but I’ll link them nonetheless u can’t stop me. https://giphy.com/gifs/rihanna-OTbo92zetdsha

Again folks big spoiler alert.

Okay now yelena and levi’s first scene.. um.. why.. why is every possible character so hot dude like!!?!?!!?? I just can’t pick a side without making excuses for the others ughh

“My time in the military shaped me, you know?” She paused. “I had to take lives,” she said in a hushed voice. “Do you know what that’s like?” The switchblade grew heavier in Levi’s pocket. Then an air of understanding passed between him and Yelena in the silence. Levi dipped his hand into his pocket. “Yes.”

This scene… the tension.. i felt everything in every single part of my body istg KW i was screaming and jumping while chewing on my nails until i reached skin it was this good!! I really loved the way they just understood each other it was like “nothing personal, I’m doing my job.” There was an air of idk.. respect and kind of acceptance with a hint of challenge.. i loved it so much

Now back to My fallen angel and the stinky hairy stalkiest asshole in the universe..

Yes he’s a jerk, but a very cunning and nothing-near-stupid one.. he in-fact scared me at some point i gotta admit, because the way he connects the dots is.. wow

“You are already thinking of all the ways you can kill me because you will never be able to shed that part of you.”

“A million and one things raced through your mind, and you were ashamed that more than half of those things were trying to figure out how to kill Mathias. ”

NO BECAUSE I WHEEZED MY LUNGS OUT😭😭😭 https://giphy.com/gifs/PotatoITV-e4-coach-trip-celebrity-ghost-WiCahQsVaUjksEn7aT MY BABY PLANNED HIS MURDER IN 12928 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES😭😭😭 And as she should!!

Fast forward you see.. i should’ve knew things are going down when levi whispered “The die had been cast” i should’ve realized this but i didn’t and that’s why when mathias stabbed kilian i gasped out loud… i felt my heart breaking with her and you see it’s not for the fact that she was actually dying this bitch don’t die.. i mean because she was distracted by the thought of levi getting hurt and that was the meanest most heartbreaking thing I’ve read in a while.. and you know what’s the cherry on top? THINKING THAT SHE DOESNT DESERVE HAPPINESS.. imma kms that’s it..

You couldn’t speak, feeling nothing but pain and heat and heat and pain. It burnt through your body hot even as you felt yourself growing colder. You thought of Levi and tears welled in your eyes

Your description made me feel every single word istg>>>

And Of course i was a sobbing mess while I’m reading her crawling across the floor all bloodied to reach levi, and of course i cried myself to sleep when she reached him, and definitely i screamed in agony once you mentioned orpheus and eurydice again…

Oh and let’s not talk about once levi reached her because it’ll be my last straw..

Levi was never a religious man, but he understood religion when he was with you. With you, Levi understood the temptation that Eve faced in the garden. With you, Levi even understood how angels could fall from grace. With you, Levi understood words he never did before to an exceptionally profound level; words like devotion, redemption, and prayer.Levi wasn’t a religious man, but he learned how to truly pray that night without even meaning to. One single solemn request, the most pious prayer he would ever attempt. “Wake up, sweetheart.”  

KW WE CANT NORMALIZE YOU WRITING THIS GOOD OKAY YOUR WORDS ARE ACTUAL DAGGERS ATP THEY ARE CUTTING THROUGH MY SOUL.. AND WDYM WAKP UP SWEETHEART KW DID YOU SPECIALIZE IN CUNTOLOGY WRTING CLASS???? HELLO MISS THATS FORBIDDEN OKAY SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP LITERALLY SHAKING IN AGONY https://giphy.com/gifs/absurdnoise-horror-woman-7ztt6QLRy4PBu

Now ehem next Chapter whohohooooo🤩🤩

The last thing i expected was the chapter going this way tbh.. you see it reminded me of LDBS most heartbreaking chapters that Im never forgetting because they affected me so much.. “about her, where it started, where it ends.” The holy trinity of greif, i felt like i was reading them but now the hurt was pro max because your writing and descriptions are more.. descriptive

Also lmao zeke holding a gum😭😭😭 i knew it was a fever dream when you mentioned it😭😭😭 and the fact that killian cares about him enough to see him, dude if you planned murder during this chapter it would’ve been easier but ofc ofc you wanted to torture us. https://giphy.com/gifs/portlandia-season-2-episode-3-xT1R9SJiGMLJFB5YKA

Now.. annie?? Kw why are you like this and how you know how to connect things perfectly like that it’s pretty iconic tbh!!!

I don’t really know what to say anymore.. but each paragraph was really killing me in every possible way.. i really wished killian was able to see how much people cares about how, not just levi, whom she thinks she doesn’t deserve, but annie, erwin, Isabelle, farlan, eren, i really wished she knew how much they love her, maybe then she’ll know that she deserves every single good thing in this universe, my baby suffered a-lot and that’s why i admire her, if this was an actual novel killian would for sure be the best female mc in terms of surviving, and as levi said: Still, you were nothing if not a survivor.  She really is. Our fallen angel🥹💙💙

They’d nicknamed you the “fallen angel,” because you looked exactly like one when you arrived. One of the crash team members said afterwards that if they weren’t so concerned about saving your life, they would have shed a tear for having to cut up your beautiful gown.

I giggled in between my tears when i read this, kw never beating the fashionista allegations even on her death bed which is like a huge slayyyyy she’s a freaking queen💙💙 our fashion icon. I really loved the interaction between annie and levi, you really wrote them so well because.. i don’t know if im the only one who feels this but you know when you’re reading a chapter or a scene and be like.. “yes, this is how things are supposed to be going” from how perfect the writing and writer is? That’s what i felt and still feel every time i read one of your works!!🥹💙

When you woke up again, your face was pressed into a couch that smelt powdery and warm. It was a familiar scent but you couldn’t pinpoint it to someone specifically. As you ran your nails along the green and pink floral upholstery, you felt like you were somewhere you once called home.

Kw you really need to give me lessons on how to describe things, like genuine question how do you make your writing feel.. so so alive, like the words are beating and moving i feel them🥹

Before you could ask her anything more, protest, or move, she took her wooden spoon out of the pot and shoved a sip of it into your mouth, holding your chin as she did. 

Sophia?… https://giphy.com/gifs/mafs-sRFFCzAey4IatfTOnQ .. yeah i cried so much then, or not literally but my eyes teared up fr, i need a hug.. https://giphy.com/gifs/portlandia-season-1-episode-6-xT1R9SLI3qYhVbmeQg.

When Eren came by to visit, the first thing he did was make sure to drop some of your favorite chicken lemon soup off to you. 

I love love love the way you move from a scene to another, and seeing eren this chap was the most pleasing surprise ever!, he’s a goof ball i love him sm my baby🥹💙💙 I’m sure everything is gonna get better after his appearance i—

Especially when it came to you. Especially when it came to the both of you. The two of you were so used to having the rug pulled out from under you, from having the other shoe drop, from having your lives blown up just at its happiest point, that to not expect the worst almost felt naive. 

*gets hit by this paragraph like a truck and starts screaming uncontrollably* https://giphy.com/clips/neonrated-neon-rated-films-ofYZSv3fjXVrvpwlAL

WILL MY SUFFERING EVER END—

“You should’ve brought some clothes for Kilian,” Levi said. It was a knee-jerk reaction, one that surprised both him and Erwin. It was more hopeful than Levi intended for it to be, but he took that as a good thing. He could only hope Erwin wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. 

“You seem really happy, Sophia,” you said, turning to her with a smile as you placed the picture back down. “Peaceful almost.” 

“You,” she said in English. “Because of you.” ”

“I love you. And I promise I’ll help you finish cooking when I wake up. I might just close my eyes for a bit if that’s okay,” you gestured to the couch, feeling sleep washing over you like a tide in the ocean shore.”

Oh will it seems not never-mind.. https://giphy.com/gifs/bigbrothernlbe-kyXSJ1yPFHZ88W3v79

Now.. farlan and levi, first of all I’m glad he’s not sad anymore or hurt, but i feel like this isn’t the end of it, or maybe was this scene a closure? I’m not sure, but i loved his interaction with levi so much!!!

You know when I first met her, she went by a different name,” Farlan continued as he came into the room, trying his best to change the subject so that Levi wouldn’t keep worrying over you. “But I think Kilian suits her much more.” “What name did she go by instead?” Levi asked, not even shocked that you had somehow crossed paths with Farlan before. “Oh, she went by Annie,” Farlan shrugged. This managed to somehow get a laugh out of Levi for some reason.

That was so cute in some way🥹 i love them so much kw u don’t understand!!!

U don’t understand how much i hate you

“I’ve been waiting for you.”You froze at the sound. He was so kind, so patient, so sweet—you would’ve recognized his voice even with your eyes closed. “Lucas?” 

That’s so mean.. that’s literally evil, like omg HOW DARE YOU WE DONT TALK ABOUT WHO-COULDNT-BE-NAMED ANYMORE

“I–” you paused, trying to find your words but finding that they weren’t coming out the right way. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. You left me, that’s not right,” you pouted.

“Yes, you’re wrong,” Lucas said, shaking his head at you in an affectionate manner. “I’m always with you.” 

WHY JUST WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AUAUAGQYAAKSJSJAJAJAJAJ https://giphy.com/gifs/crying-woman-12OloSxMpkEoSI

Levi did not leave your side, not once. 

KW I HATE YOUUUUY AHAHHAHHHHHHHHHGHGGGG *insert eren infamous scream*

You hesitated, feeling a sense of warmth coming from behind the door. “Well do you know what’s behind it?” you stood up onto your tippy-toes as if it would help you get a better look. “It’s not what you think,” Lucas confirmed softly. “I promise.”Faltering again, you found that your feet would not move. “But what if I’m not ready?”Lucas shook his head at you, and squeezed your hand again. “You’ve always been ready.” Tears welled in your eyes as the water continued to wash over your feet. “What if I don’t deserve what’s behind that door?”

Kw as much as i love your brilliant mind please.. this hurts like a bitch please dont do it again.. lucas, the way killian cried when she saw him, i don’t know what to say, i just can feel it but i can’t describe it, and you know that a writing is so good when it leaves you speechless like yours did to me now🥹💙💙

When you blinked your eyes open, the first person you saw was Levi. His smile was bright and warm. It made you feel weightless. It made you feel loved. You smiled back, albeit weakly. Levi squeezed your hand gently, still smiling. “Welcome back, sweetheart,” he whispered.  

Ending the chapter with welcome back when the last was “wake, up sweetheart.” I SEE WHAT YOUR DOING KW I SEE IT

And i really appreciate it, i would like to thank you so so much for writing these new chapters and blessing us with your amazing, wonderful, beautiful, mesmerizing writing voice and style and descriptions as a whole, thank you really, to me you are my role model in writing, and i aspire to be like you or just make people feel the same way your words make me feel, i really appreciate it and please never stop writing.. never leave us kw because the fan fic writers community needs you my hidden gem.. we need your characters, scenes, gut wrenching stories and everything. If i could thank you in 60 different languages, express my love and admire you in every possible way i would’ve done it, but i know it won’t give you enough credit and it won’t come close to the feelings i go through reading your works. https://giphy.com/gifs/anime-love-bQATeUxCoCFr2

I love you so much kw!!💙💙 https://giphy.com/gifs/love-i-you-that-70s-show-2dQ3FMaMFccpi

Your lovely “💙” anon, hope i be the reason you smile once today, thank you again💙💙💙

My love again!! Gonna answer you underneath the cut 🥹❤️

LMAO @ Yelena being hot. You know what I think it is? The story itself (STH & LDBS) is a very sensual, sexy story. That's kind of the vibes I have in my mind every time I sit down to write it. It's meant to be dark, noir, and sexy, so without meaning to--everything ends up being quite sexy LOL, including characters who aren't main characters.

Also you ABSOLUTELY smashed your interpretation of the scene between Yelena and Levi. That was exactly what I wanted to establish; an understanding. The scene you highlighted in particular was a shared understanding that whatever was about to transpire was not personal. It was a warning of, "hey, I'm going to do whatever I have to do to get my job done," on both ends, and the other person being like, "yeah, and so will I." You are so right when you say there was an understanding, respect, acceptance, AS WELL as a challenge. Juxtaposing the shared notion of both of them having taken lives before was also both of them saying without saying that they are not afraid to kill the other person if it comes down to it (and it did).

And YES. Mathias is such a keen observer. I think all of you always got the sense that he "monitored" people but thought of it in the sense of cameras when it's actually much more literal. He doesn't have to resort to those kinds of things because he catches a lot just by being in peoples' presences. Not only is he trying to get under her skin and make her think she hasn't changed, he's trying to taunt her to hurt him because he wants to prove to her that she is the monster he THINKS she is. You know Kilian hasn't killed anyone in a very long time, but she definitely never lost her touch and could have easily killed him had she not gotten distracted. Like you said, it was the thought of Levi being hurt that distracted her. She was ready to go in for her kill but nothing mattered once she thought something happened to Levi. She loves him more than anything, and in that moment the only thing that mattered was his safety, not hers. In a different situation, Levi would have absolutely done the same thing. And yes, you hit the nail on the head! Her battle with not knowing whether or not she deserves happiness is an on-going one, and although she has changed a lot, sometimes those self-destructive behaviors never really go away.

Sgfsoghs, I did a lot of research into stab wounds and what they felt like. So the fact that you could feel it! 🤌🏼💋 I really wanted that chapter to feel like a knife twist, in every sense of the word so LMFAOOO I'M SORRY 🤣. Now you see why I initially wanted to release it in a double update! I felt horrible to leave you all that way without a sigh of relief in the next chapter, but it seems like you all went through the feels despite that.

And ahhh, thank you so much for your wonderfully kind words! That holy trinity chapter in LDBS was one of the hardest things to write, and in a way, chapter 14 was definitely a trail off of that because I had to tap into similar emotions of walking back to your past so that you could move forward and heal. I definitely think my writing has changed now compared to then so I'm so glad you could feel it differently!

The gum was the funniest part to me, and I honestly added it in for a silly touch and a laugh! Dreams are so silly. I thought it only made sense to introduce you to it with a giggle because it's so out there, it's so odd, and that is EXACTLY how you know it is a dream. I'm so happy you touched on the fact that Kilian only saw Zeke in her dream because she DOES care about him. That is 100% true. And yes, you're right. Kilian murdering Mathias would've been so much easier, but I never do anything easy!

Eee, you are too sweet! I love connecting things and bringing people back. Annie and Farlan were teased to come back WAAY early if you caught any of Isabel's dialogue when she spoke about her friends. You bring up a great point too, hopefully in future chapters, Kilian CAN see how loved she is, not just by Levi but by other people. She means so much to me as a character and I think it comes across each time I go to write her. She isn't perfect, she has flaws, but there is something about her that makes you root for her because I try so hard to touch on her human side as well as her darker sides.

I'm really so happy to know that you all laughed at the purposeful jokes I placed in chapter 14, too. I KNEW it was heavy so I also knew in between it, I had to give you all some light-hearted moments too. That little mention of the dress/fallen angel thing also meant a lot to me to put in because I really wanted to show the banter that happens between people who work in hospitals--the jokes and the humor amongst the horror--because I think that's kind of the only way you can get through the day sometimes after doing something as powerful as saving someone's life or helping someone.

Thank you so much for saying that about Annie and Levi's scene! 🥺 I really loved writing that scene because I could quite literally imagine their characters interacting like that and talking to each other like that, so it means the world to me that it felt like that was how things were supposed to be. You are really too kind.

And I'm always happy to help with writing questions if you have them! Honestly I just have an incredibly vivid imagination of characters and who they are. So when I think of how to write them, I think of everything outside of them--what their home smells like, what kind of furniture they like, how they dress, what they like to listen to--I think all of that helps things "come alive", so to speak. So thank you for saying that as well my love!!

Adding Sophia in definitely killed me but not as much as you know who, who I know you touch on later LMFAO so I will GLADLY offer you a hug.

I honestly love writing Eren in this universe, specifically his connection to Kilian. They don't share as many scenes in this story, but the love they have for each other is there and clearly unbroken and I love coming back to it.

Also, I'm SCREAMING at all of your gifs, you were not joking when you said you went through all 5 stages of grief LMFAO ❤️❤️❤️😭😭😭😭.

As for Farlan and Levi's scene, there is definitely a little more to happen before we get to a full closure, although we're definitely on the way there. Obviously can't spoil anything. But you are right when you say he's not sad or hurt anymore. He's moved on! The only thing is, has Kilian moved on from what she's done to him (hence why she always hid from him every time she saw him)? There's a little more to explore there but it will be touched on (trust me, it's allll planned LOL). That part with Levi laughing @ Kilian's fake name was such a treat to write also. Because he would immediately understand where she got her fake name from and why she chose that to give to Farlan. He made all the connections without even needing further explanation and laughed because he knows his girl better than anyone.

Also... Lucas. I know. I KNOW. I KNOW. I HATE MYSELF. LMFAO I CAN'T EVEN READ THAT SCENE AGAIN WITHOUT CRYING. Honestly, why did I do that to MYSELF is the better question. Because lord! Kilian loves Lucas so much, every time we go back to him, it is a source of pain. That is her deepest childhood wound but also her greatest childhood joy, so to quite literally "swim" back to him was her going back to herself to heal. He told her everything she needed to hear in order to know that he was okay, he never faulted her for what happened, and his life was joyous despite being short. By seeing him again and essentially forgiving herself, Kilian could wake up because she was no longer fighting this idea that she didn't deserve to be loved, hence the end quote in chapter 14. "Open the door. Love was on the other side and it was terrifying. Open the door." I wanted it to seem like this whole time that what was on the other side was possibly death--hence the warm light emanating from behind it--but really, it was just love. Kilian had to realize that she still had a life to live because she is so loved. So loved. She deserves to be loved. So walk through the door.

Ending the chapter with welcome back when the last was “wake, up sweetheart.” I SEE WHAT YOUR DOING KW I SEE IT

LMFAOOOO OSHGFOSH. 🌚 Do you now? But seriously, I want to thank you for both of your beautiful, beautiful, asks. You are such a lovely person, and I cannot express how much I appreciate you. You have recharged my writing spirit, made my day, and have been such a light these past two days. It means the world to me that I can touch your soul with my writing, and I truly mean it when I say it, the door is always open for writing questions ANY TIME you have them. Seriously.

I hope to write for as long as the spirit fuels me, and although my relationship with it truthfully waxes and wanes, a lot has happened recently to make me see that it is something that ignites my soul. And in igniting my own spirit, I can ignite others and touch their hearts and that is something that is truly invaluable.

Seriously, I love YOU so much, 💙 anon! You absolutely were another reason to smile today. I'm smiling now even as I head to bed. Thank you. I cherish you so much. You are always welcome to gush in my inbox, about anything, any time.

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

Ahhhhhhhhh

Menstruation TMI under the cut

So tired of my period messing up my day to day life.

This was a weird period. I did not get soul suckingly depressed. It was late by a few Days. I was really manic feeling instead of depressed feeling. Like, couldn’t get myself to stop talking, a little more risky with my driving, some spending issues looking back but not much. Mostly just really high energy levels and extremely impulsive. Not saying anything about it just that this was not a common pre-period thing for me.

Yesterday I was cramping soooo bad. We had to run some errands. I was white knuckle gripping the shopping cart. At times, M would ask me something and I don’t even know if I was hearing him. All my senses were just screaming from pain and then I almost passed out at check out. I thought I was okay because I didn’t have cramps walking in but they hit hard and fast.

They went away for a little bit last night but right before bed decided to come back. So I didn’t fall asleep until around 230am.

I have 3 intake meetings today for a total of 6 new cases. That would bring me to 7 and only 3 more to go.

I called out and I hope to God that these parents will reschedule.

But I can’t be at schools today or having important meetings while I’m dying inside from pain.

I feel so fucking frustrated. I cannot afford to go to a gyno right now with my insurance. I can’t afford to have another one tell me they can’t help me outside of hormonal birth control.

Has anyone else been treated for pmdd, pcos, endometriosis, other painful reproductive issues without the use of hormones or surgery? I can’t afford surgery to see if it’s endometriosis and all birth control so far has driven me almost off the deep end and I literally refuse to try again. It sneaks up on me until I’ve relapsed on all my bad habits and end up sobbing on the bathroom floor with dark thoughts in my head before I realize that it’s made me depressed. No thank you. I will not go that route again.

So anyway. I called out of work. I’m trying to reschedule intakes. Then I’m going back to sleep for a bit while I can.

[nevillegoddardsuccesslog]

listening

I was dreading this era of alone holiday time, quite literally sobbing hysterically over it, and now  Iview it as a total blessing, an opportunity for fuller rest and healing.

I am trying to not be performative with my words here. I have that tendency sometimes.

I don’t want to reflect too hard on where I was at, because I want to continue with where I am and where I’m going.

It started with yesterday, Jesse messaging that it’d be good for me to have the home to myself and sleep in and get to truly relax without anyone else here.

Last night I made prints of the cats paws and I felt good and complete and was just doing what I do.

Then, today, I started feeling the same. “This situation works out for my greatest good.”

Today, I forgot and let go of the feelings, the weight of sadness, obligation, pain, loss, sorrow, guilt, etc etc etc I don’t even want to list them all because I don’t want to be re-poisoned...but I let go of them at various points so heartily and completely.

While chopping my vegetables to make my stew

While warming back up after my brief jaunt in the cold

While reading my book and getting interested once more in a medical process

While doing my work I thought of nothing except my work.

I guess you could say, I was present.

Maybe it started in the bathtub, when I pulled up that fateful guided meditation. I breathed and then did a “flutter breath”, almost hyperventilating though my body couldn’t do what the guide’s did, but nor did that concern me. I thought of what I “wanted” at one point, and felt it make me feel...bad. Desperate. Hungry. Words that feel pained.

I thought instead of just occupying the state of being loved, of being adored, of being good and fascinating and lvoely. Of being kind and smart and generous. Of being wealthy, happy, light, powerful, all these things.

I thought what I started thinking yesterday, a new affirmation “I am loved, adored, and spoiled by my wealthy, sexy, romantic partner.” It’s not about what that is but about the fact I CAN have it, I DO have it in some way by just acknowledging the thought. It’s a matter of having or not having. Of lack versus truly occupying the state I guess of the “wish fulfilled”.

The “wish fulfilled” shouldn’t bring pain or sorrow or loss or fear or or or. I can want to scrub clear the thinking of those feelings, but if it’s stuck in this moment re-feeling it by re-thinking it isn’t doing me any good. It sure wasn’t.

Instead, affirming what IS true: I have a kind, lovele,y weathy, smart, adoring partner who loves and worships me, is the powerful key, the secret. I disempower the individual circumstance and empower the higher circumstance, the greatest good, the highest level of achievement and being and so on and so forth.

I let go.

That’s the thing. The letting go. Re-hashing the bad never lets it go. Revising the bad, in this instance, isn’t letting me let go.

It’s not 4D chess. It’s doing what feels good. Thinking of what feels good, being what feels good. Letting go of what doesn’t.

I realize when Taimur was around I was somehow in some way vying for their attention, comparing, and operating often from a position of trying to impress, to woo, to win over. Which is all from a position of lack.

I never have to convince ANYONE of my deservingness. Of my worthiness of love and affection and sex and kindness and devotion. I am that. I am all that.

And I HAVE a partner who is wealthy and loveley and loves me in all the ways I want to and desreve to be loved, which are all the best ways that make me feel good and kind and respected and cared for and safe and loved and appreciated and, yeah.

Not how Taimur was making me feel recently at all.

**

I am sure some of it is likely letting go of my parents stuff, too, not needing to be with them.

**

I wonder if the state of lack, of bad, of desperation the holiday seasons fed created some of this instability of the past couple months. Things HAD been good before then. But, matters not. I am creating anew, merging with a new truth, merging with the me I am is I am.

All that.

I am sure that the fulfillment of my desires is linked to my ability to occupy that state as much as I am able until I am fully fused to it, become it, we are one. I feel truth as a wave I can take and ride, and like the wave there is some instinct to it.

[simplysimpingsimp]

Hey! This is the person who requested the sleeping recovery scenario. It turned out perfect!!! Your writing is literally amazing!!!

I hope you don't mind another request but I can't get the idea of Zenitsu's partner becoming a demon slayer because of him out of my head. I think a drabble would fit well so how about Zenitsu's reaction to his partner (still they/them) coming back from final selection only to find out that being by his side was the main reason they joined the corps.

Thank you in advance and don't make sure to take care of yourself!

Hiya again Anon!! Ahh I’m so glad you enjoyed your previous request and I’m so happy to hear another request from you <3 your kind words mean so much to me :,D I really like this prompt ! So you definitely shall have this !! As always I’m super sorry for any mistakes, I will gladly go back and fix them!!

🌻—————————————————————🌻

🌻𝙵𝚘𝚛 𝚈𝚘𝚞

🌻𝚉𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚝𝚜𝚞 𝚡 𝙶𝚗!𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛

🌻𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚜: 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢/𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖

🌻⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎𝚆𝙰𝚁𝙽𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝚃𝚆: 𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚕𝚎 𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚘𝚏 𝚋𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚍⚠︎︎⚠︎︎⚠︎︎

🌻—————————————————————🌻

“Zenitsu,

Can you believe that it’s been nearly 2 years since we were last together? It’s almost time for me to go through the final selection! I know you’re probably screaming right now or even pacing around wherever you may be at the thought of me facing something dangerous but I feel like I could do it! I’ve been training under a man named Urokodaki Sakonji, Tanjiro might have told you about him before. Though he had some hesitations at the start, I think I won him over hehe! Anyway, I’ll be going through the final section in about a week. I know I’ll be okay, so don’t worry too hard about me, okay? I love you Zeni and I’ll see you soon, I promise.

Yours, Y/n.”

The fated week had passed since he had gotten the parchment with their name signed in the same fancy way they always did and the signature f/c ribbon that held the folds of the paper in a neat square and a small dried and pressed branch of wisteria together.

Zenitsu felt it in his heart that they had reached the wisteria surrounded location. For the next seven nights and days, he prayed for their safety and for them to just survive, hoping that they wouldn’t die attempting to be a hero to someone who wouldn’t do the same for them. When he would lay in bed, he caught himself gripping onto the ribbon attached to the parchment and the small wooden charm they gave him before they began their search for someone who could train them, murmuring all his wishes and prayers for them onto the material gifts as if they had any say in Y/n’s safety.

He knew he didn’t have to worry so hard yet he couldn’t help it. His heart yearned for their return and their loving embrace again, to be able to hear their heartbeat again, to make up for that lost time.

Every night he would be on the brink of tears as nightmare filled dreams invaded the usual happy dreams he had of a peaceful life with Y/n where they would frolic happily in fields of clover and daises and he would make them adorable crowns and jewelry from the cream toned clovers. Picturing their smiling face and that loving pink hue that painted their cheeks when they would look at him filled the void in his heart and arms.

His nightmares distorted that image, often portraying their face beaten and bloodied as they took their final breaths with a demon hovering above them preparing to devour them. In those dreams he would feel himself running towards them yet he never moved forward seemingly stuck in place, his arms desperately reaching out for them but he could never reach them. He’d wake up in cold sweats with a chill running down his spine, longingly looking to his side where Y/n would usually be.

Morning came, with the sun rising and the gentle coo of birds alerting passerbies of the morning sun and hour of the day.

Zenitsu anxiously paced the wooden home they had been staying in near Urokodaki’s home where Y/n would arrive if they survived.

His steps resounded against the looming silence and anxious atmosphere of the building as his hands gripped the parchment a crow had delivered him two weeks ago.

What if they didn’t come back? What if they had lost a battle? What if they were injured and no one helped them? What would he even do with himself knowing that he couldn’t save them? All were questions he asked himself repeatedly, sabotaging any glimmer of hope and calmness he had.

He had been told that only 6 came back from the final selection, but no one ever described who was among them. Panicked, he gripped his hair as he almost screamed from the sheer overwhelming thoughts filling his head of news of their death and the idea of never being able to hold them much less see them again.

“Calm down Zenitsu,” Tanjiro’s voice was soft as he placed a hand on his shoulder, “You know they’re a fighter. I’m sure they’ll be back soon.” Tanjiro’s smile was reassuring yet Zenitsu couldn’t help but worry.

“You’re right, you’re right, thank you Tanjiro..” the blond’s voice was soft as he returned a worried smile to Tanjiro.

“Let’s head over to Urokodaki-San’s, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind us waiting over there,” Tanjiro spoke as Zenitsu nodded with tears in his eyes.

᪥᪥

Exhausted, they trudged along the dirt path leading to Urokodaki’s home. Their sandaled feet dragged up dirt clouds that stained their f/c hakama pants. A white satchel around them carrying their new demon slayer uniform.

“So heavy..” they frowned lightly as they weakly gripped onto the strap of the satchel. It had been so long since they felt the level of exhaustion they felt.

Everything felt sore yet they were still proud of themselves for succeeding, having slayed over 7 demons during their stay and saving at least one person. The joy of being able to see Zenitsu and their friends again had kept them going.

“I’m almost there Zeni,” they whimpered out as they almost fell over due to the pain that coursed through their legs. Weakness in their steps as their vision almost blurred from extreme exhaustion, they hadn’t had a chance to rest at any point during their return back to Urokodaki’s home.

The door to Urokodaki’s home burst open, revealing Zenitsu’s crying face. Tears flowing down from his honey filled eyes, cheeks tainted a deep red as if he had been crying for hours.

“N/n!” He yelled out as he sprinted to their nearly collapsed form, his arms wide open and ready to embrace them.

A tired smile on their face as they used their last burst of energy to run into his arms, closing the gap between them. Y/n collapsed in his embrace, soft sobs coming from their lips and tears flowing down their cheeks, as Zenitsu cried with them.

Urokodaki and Tanjiro joining in on the hug after being called over by them. Zenitsu’s lips kissed all over their face after nuzzling his cheek on theirs.

His gentle honey gaze looking at the bandage wrapped across their forehead and their hand bandaged as well, a light pout on his lips.

Zenitsu carried them back to the house where he had been staying.

“Thank you for carrying me,” their voice soft and groggy from exhaustion as their arms lazily laced around his neck.

He soon reached the home, settling them down on an already prepared bed. Zenitsu quickly left to bring over the meal he worked so hard to prepare for them.

They giggled weakly at the sight of him preparing everything, “You’re so sweet. Thank you, Zeni,” they gently caressed the top of his head before he began to feed them and pamper them all around as Zenitsu would gush over how cool and amazing and adorable Y/n was.

Night slowly reached as the sky became a smokey purple and looming stringy clouds of dusty purple lingered. The stars twinkling overhead and glimmering in joy for their return with the moon watching over the home they rested in.

Zenitsu laid down beside them, his arm carefully wrapped around them for fear of injuring them further.

“Zeni?” Their voice soft and meek as they looked at his peaceful silent form.

His own gaze was on them, lovingly admiring every sight of their gentle expression and the bandages that were on them. Carefully he stroked their cheek as he hummed.

“Remember when two years ago when I told you that I wanted to join the demon slayer corp?”

He nodded, “Mhm,” he brought their body close to his, cuddling and embracing into their warmth.

“I told you that I wanted to join because I wanted to prove that I was strong. But..that’s not the truth. I wanted to join because I wanted to be by your side. I don’t want to be a burden following you guys around without providing anything other than cooking and stuff...and I don’t want you getting distracted from your missions to protect me,” their eyes began to tear up, “Those two years we spent apart felt like an eternity..but you were my motivation to keep pushing forward and bettering myself,” their hand laced with his, “I love you Zenitsu. I always want to be by your side, and I want to be able to protect you the same way you’ve protected me.”

Zenitsu watched them speak, hearing all their words and pulling the depth and meaning in their words. His eyes watered and he began to cry. His heart softened and pounded against his chest with love and admiration for them, trembling in the slightest from the overwhelming happiness he felt. Never had he felt so loved by anyone, the feeling of fortune and gratitude coursing through his veins in a euphoric manner — someone loved him enough to risk their life just to be by his side and to follow him on a life threatening journey for the sake of true love.

He felt so lucky that that someone was the love of his life, Y/n.

Carefully he pulled their body on top of his to hold them closer to his own. His hands gently caressing their sore back.

Gently they wiped away his tears, “I love you,” their smile was gentle and sweet as they pecked his lips delicately.

“I love you too Y/n. Thank you for wanting to be by my side, I always want to be with you too,” he kissed the top of her head, “I love you so very much. One day we’ll be married and we won’t have to slay demons anymore,” he laughed quietly before carefully placing a kiss on their forehead and a quick kiss on their lips. An embarrassed blush on both their faces.

Gentleness in the air filled their hearts with joy of being reunited after not being able to hold each other. His hands delicately ran through their hair as they softly giggled.

“I would like that. I love you Zeni,” they yawned before falling asleep.

A soft smile was on his face before his own eyes began to flutter.

“I love you too, N/n.”

ᴇɴᴅ

🌻—————————————————————🌻

ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ sᴏ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ғᴏʀ ʀᴇǫᴜᴇsᴛɪɴɢ <3 ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ

ʏᴏᴜ ғᴏʀ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ ! ᴘʟᴇᴀsᴇ ғᴇᴇʟ ғʀᴇᴇ ᴛᴏ ʟᴇᴀᴠᴇ

ʀᴇǫᴜᴇsᴛs/ɪᴅᴇᴀs/ᴀsᴋs/ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ, ɪᴛ's ᴍᴜᴄʜ

ᴀᴘᴘʀᴇᴄɪᴀᴛᴇᴅ :ᴅ sᴇᴇ ʏᴀʟʟ sᴏᴏɴ <3

ᴘᴇɴᴅɪɴɢ ʀᴇǫᴜᴇsᴛs: 5

[sweatersarecomfyy]

Stuck In a Blizzard

(Bucky x Reader)

Word Count: 2.6k

Summary: Bucky and reader get stuck in a blizzard on the way back from the mission. Reader tries to save face by not letting on how cold they are which ends in comforting fluff and a doting Bucky. 

A/N: This is pure self-indulgent fluff. I have a midterm tomorrow, and of course I procrastinated by polishing this one-shot. Also it has already started snowing where I live.  As always, the reader is kept as non-descript as possible. Literally corn-ball central, it’s just to make you feel all warm and cozy inside. 

It was so cold.

Not cold in the cute ‘curl up with a book and drink cocoa’ way.

It was below freezing, fight for survival, limbs numb, exhausted cold. Even worse than that, we hadn’t been prepared for it. The mission had gone fine, but the weather had taken a nasty turn so that there was no way of flying back. We had barely made it to the safe house and when we got out of the jet, it was blizzarding so much that we couldn’t see.

As we rushed in and slammed the door shut, the flakes didn’t even melt on the doormat.

I stomped my feet, trying to get some feeling back into them. It didn’t do anything. I shivered in my less-than-ideal jacket, and dropped my bag. “Is there a heater?”

Bucky was across the room fiddling with a fuse box. He flipped one of them and some lights came on. It had a cozy-looking interior despite the frigid air. He flipped another one, but the heater gave a couple weak thrums and then stopped. He chuckled, “I guess not.”

I walked over to the fireplace. There was a sizeable stack of firewood and some matches. “I guess we’ll have to do it the old-fashioned way. I knelt down and stacked the firewood like a log cabin. The wood must have been exceptionally dry, because it lit up quickly and the fire became steady.

I shrugged off my now damp jacket and hung it on a chair. I wished it was dry so that I could still wear it. Despite the fire the air was still freezing. I searched my bag in the hope of finding another layer, but it was mostly mission gear and pajamas.

Bucky was making an inventory of the cupboards and everything else. “Well, there is plenty of food, dry stuff, and bars. We won’t starve.” He was wearing his cargo pants and t-shirt, and not shivering at all.

“Aren’t you cold?”

He smiled, “Nope, perks of the super serum I guess.”

The clothes I was wearing were damp as well and I was trying not to show how much I was shivering. I was usually great in the cold. My parents had always called me ‘polar-bear’ because of how much I liked the snow, but this was another level. “I’m going to change,” I said automatically.

He nodded at me and started looking through his bag as well.

Luckily my pjs were sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt, but it still wasn’t adequate. I put all the socks I had brought with me on. We had been able to wash up at a location the day before, so nothing smelled too bad.

I was alone, with Bucky, in a cabin in the middle of a storm. I blushed at the prospect of having to share a room with him, but was very worried at the prospect of him seeing me as weak. I had always been tough on missions. I could fight through pain, I could hike when I was exhausted, and I could outsmart almost any enemy battle plan, but I couldn’t control the chattering of my teeth or the numbness spreading through my fingers and toes. With anyone else I may have let down my guard, but with Bucky, I didn’t want to. He was my superior officer, he was my friend too, but non-work excursions didn’t generally require feats of strength and showing your mettle. I didn’t have to worry about looking tough at the movies or having food. This was my first time as a second on a mission—just him and me—we had done group missions before, but I wanted a chance to prove myself. Even then, I liked him; liked him, liked him, and I didn’t want him to think any less of me. I was determined. It was just one night.

When I got out of the bathroom, Bucky had changed as well. He was sitting on the couch with a blanket that I saw he had gotten from an open chest at the foot of the bed. He was messing with the communicators. “No signal right now, we will have to wait for the storm to die down. Hopefully Tony won’t worry too much about you.”

I smiled, confused, “What do you mean?”

“Well, he’s not going to worry about me. He doesn’t like me.” He chuckled.

I chuckled with him, but argued back. “If he’s worried about me more than you it would be that I’m not a super-soldier, just a regular human.”

He frowned slightly, though I wasn’t sure why.

There were three other blankets in the chest. I spread two of them out on the bed and wrapped one around myself. I sat on the couch in front of the fire and started gnawing on a very cold protein bar.

Bucky did the same thing, staring into the flames. “You ok?” he asked suddenly.

I turned towards him and there was a concerned look wrinkling his brow. I smiled, trying to suppress my shivering again, “Yeah, I’m good.” The fire wasn’t doing anything to quell the chill. “I’m just tired I guess.”

He nodded, “You can have the bed, I can take the couch.” He said, he still looked concerned.

I didn’t sleep at all that night. I was afraid that if I did, I would freeze and not be able to wake up. I’m sure I was exaggerating, but my body simply would not let me sleep.

I was exhausted.

///

In the morning, the blizzard was still raging. The only reason I could tell it was morning was because Bucky got up, looked out the window and swore.

“What time is it?” I asked, still huddled under the blankets in bed.

“It’s 8AM, not that anyone could tell that from the amount of snow out there.”

I groaned, and got out of bed, joining him at the window to look outside. I pulled the blanket closer around me. The shivering was starting to make me crazy. I was tired and I wanted to cry, but I pulled myself away and made another fire. I sat myself down on the rug right in front of it.

Bucky came and sat next to me. “You sleep alright?” he asked.

“Yeah, good,” I lied halfheartedly. I probably looked a mess, but I hoped he would somehow not notice. He looked refreshed. He was still wearing that t-shirt and looked as though he was as comfortable as he would be on a balmy spring day.

“Ever been in a blizzard before?” he asked.

I shook my head, “I love the snow, usually.” I laughed shortly, “I love playing in the snow and everything, but I’ve never been in a blizzard, or at least nothing this bad.”

“Did you get snow growing up?”

I nodded, “Yeah, we would get a good amount of snow where I lived. Everyone always was bothered by it, but I actually always looked forward to it.”

“So you’re a little polar-bear,” he nudged me with his elbow playfully.

“Yeah,” I tried to smile with his teasing.

We found a set of cards and played for a while in front of the fire, chatting. The stove still worked, and Bucky managed to boil some water so we could have cup noodles and hot chocolate. We even found some old Disney tapes and a VCR and watched Mulan and The Lion King. I know Bucky had seen some Disney movies before, cause I made him watch some, but we hadn’t gotten around to these ones and it was adorable to see him laugh and be surprised at the stories, he almost seemed like a child again. I even saw him wipe away a tear during the Lion King.

I almost felt warm. Almost. I kept the blanket wrapped around me the whole day and tried to stay as close to the fire as possible. We didn’t have a temperature reading, but I was sure it was still far below zero as when I had seen it the day before in the jet.

I didn’t feel great. My body was so exhausted from the mission and not sleeping, and it was wavering under the stress of being cold, but I was trying to save face. I felt my eyes close a couple of times during the movie, and in our last game of cards I couldn’t seem to pay attention. I felt like crying, but I wouldn’t.

“Are you doing alright?”

My eyes snapped up to Bucky, what did he see? “Yeah, why?” I made an effort to smile.

“You just seem a little unfocused.”

I nodded, “Yeah, I’m all good.”

He didn’t look convinced, “You know you can tell me if something is wrong, right?”

“I know,” I tried not to make eye contact with him, his asking made tears start to prick at my eyes. I was just so exhausted.

“You did really well on the mission, if that’s what you’re worried about. I know I don’t say a lot of stuff like that, but you did do really well.”

“Thanks, I’m fine, really.”

He was silent for a moment, I looked at my hand of cards, not wanting to look at him.

“I,” he sighed, “I—Can you let me know what’s on your mind? I just have a feeling that you’re not telling me something.”

I couldn’t stop the tears from running down my face. I tried to wipe them away, and he noticed.

“Hey, hey—” he scooted toward me on the floor and set his hand on my knee, “It’s ok, just tell me what’s up.”

I sniffed, oh goodness, I could slap myself. I was sniffing. “I’m just—just so—cold,” I lamely half-stuttered, half-shivered.” I wiped more tears away, “I didn’t want you to judge me.”

“For being cold?”

I couldn’t look him in the face, I shook my head, “For being weak.”

“I don’t think you’re weak—but why—why would I think your being cold made you weak?”

I shrugged, “I dunno.” I sniffed again, wiped at my nose and eyes again, trying to stop my body shaking from sobs and shivering.

“Oh hon, no,” He pushed some hair back from my face, “I don’t think you’re weak. I chose you to be second on this mission because I think you’re the opposite of that. We work well together, and you always persevere, even when things get tough.”

I stifled another sob, “I know, but now—”

“You can’t control the weather doll.”

“I’ve been through so much worse though, and then this gets me,” I gestured to the cold, “And I just wanted to impress you and I didn’t want to complain,” I sniffed again, “And I’m just so tired and I can’t think. And now I’m crying.” I gave a dry laugh.

“How did you actually sleep last night?”

He was still close to me with his hand resting on my knee, I didn’t look at him. “Terribly.”

“You should have told me.” He said gently.

I looked up at him and gave a faltering smile, “Well it’s not like there was that much you could do about it either.”

He wiped some tears from my cheek, and I felt my face grow warm from the contact.

“You still could have told me, we’re partners we need to be honest with each other, and I think there is something I could have done.” The look on his face was so gentle and kind that I felt my chest blooming with a different type of warmth.

I wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but in one fluid movement he had pulled me into his lap and stood up. I gave a small noise of surprise, and was so startled that my arms automatically wrapped around him as was lifted into the air.

“Bucky—” I started.

He walked to the bed, “You need sleep, and you need heat.”

“Uh—”

“We’re going to cuddle,” he stated simply. He set me down and pulled back the covers, settling in next to me.

“Oh, um, you don’t need—”

“I’m lead on the mission, right? That means I need to take care of you.”

“Bucky—”

He pulled the covers over us and wrapped his arms around me, tucking my head into the crook of his neck. He gave a relaxed sigh, “Are you comfortable?”

I nodded into his chest.

“Good.”

“Bucky, thank you, but you really don’t need to do this.”

I felt his nose graze the top of my hair, “If I didn’t want to do this, I wouldn’t be doing this. If you’re uncomfortable, I’ll go. I just thought you might need some extra body heat.”

Honestly, it felt heavenly. He was so warm. I felt my shivering start to subside as soon as he had pulled the covers over us. I didn’t ever want him to leave.

“You’re so warm,” I mumbled, feeling myself start to drift off.

I felt his chest rumble as he chuckled, “I tend to run hot.”

I don’t know if it was my vulnerable sleepy mind, or a streak of bravery, but I heard myself say: “Yeah you do,” in an obviously playful voice.

My eyes shot open after I heard myself, and I found myself looking at a smirking Bucky.

“I—I don’t, I’m sorry—” I stuttered, then I groaned, and tried to turn away from him.

He laughed at me, “Oh no you don’t,” he kept me from turning over, pulling me tighter to his body, “Do you have something you want to say to me?”

I heard the smirk in his voice, and didn’t dare look at him, instead covering my face in my hands, “No?”

“I think you do,” He insisted.

“It’s ok, you can let me freeze now.”

He laughed again and pried my hands from my face, “Hey, you don’t get to get out of an explanation.”

I hid my face as much as possible in the pillow.

“We’re partners, right? We need to be honest.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, just stop making fun—I’m so tired.”

He laughed, but not an unkind laugh, “I’m not making fun, I’m just wondering. Is it possible you said that cause you like me? Doll?”

I let myself look into his face. Although I knew he was amused by the situation, his eyes and voice were sincere, he actually wanted to know. I nodded, twice, slowly. I looked away again and became even more aware of his arms around me, and his body pressed next to mine. “I’m sorry, I didn’t—didn’t know how to—it’s just that we’re friends and you’re my superior—and I’m just—just—"

I was cut off as he tilted my face towards his with one of his hands, and kissed me. I let out a breath of surprise, but his hands threaded through my hair, keeping his lips on mine, and I kissed him back. My brain seemed to have short-circuited and my whole body was suddenly filled with warmth. I wasn’t shivering from the cold anymore.

He pulled away, and I tried to follow with a noise of complaint, but I opened my eyes. I have never received a look like the look he gave me before. It was so full of love an adoration that I was taken aback. He loved me, just as I loved him, and he didn’t have to say anything for me to know, but he did anyway.

“I should have told you sooner,” he said, “I’m such a coward, you’re the brave one. I love you, I love you so, so much.”

I smiled, and brushed some hair behind his ear, “I love you too Bucky, so, so much.”

He gave me another kiss, just as passionate, but shorter. “You still need sleep,” he noted, and pulled me as close as possible, and allowing me to rest in his warmth.

[arrow-guy]

The Lighthouse (9/??)

Summary: The town is sleepy, the people are nice enough, but life gets turned upside-down when the God of Thunder literally falls out of the sky.

A/N: Hello, hello, time for more of our regularly scheduled Q+A where we ask some questions and get some answers, but never the ones we want. I swear we’re getting to the meat of things, but we have to go through all of this before we get to it, This being the filler stuff that happens before we can get to the real action. That being said, I’m really happy with what I’m putting out today, so please enjoy!

Page dividers by @carryonmyswansong

Pairing: ThorxReader

Word Count: 2.4k

Warnings: None

Part 8

"So…okay, so what you're saying is Asgard is gone, this Thanos guy attacked the ship, and you're the only one who got away?"

"Yes."

"But how?"

“What is it you humans say… a magician never reveals his tricks?”

I scowl. “You’re no magician, and that couldn’t have been a simple trick. How did you get away, if Heimdall didn’t send you himself?”

He sighs. “I used the Tesseract.”

“That stupid thing everyone was fighting over in New York all those years ago?”

“And here I was, thinking Earth had forgotten about that.”

“How could we forget an alien invasion?” I shake my head. “A literal alien invasion, and you just expect us to forget about it. Maybe you really are crazy.”

“Forget about New York for now. The Cube itself hides a very powerful object,” Loki explains. “It’s called the Space Stone, and it allows whoever wields it, provided they can withstand its power, to travel through space at will.”

“So you used it to get away before whatever happened messed with everyone’s heads?”

“Yes, but Heimdall was able to send one man off before anything happened.”

“Who?”

“Bruce Banner.”

“Wait, he was with you?”

“He was.”

“Then we have to get in contact with the Avengers!” I exclaim “If he’s earth-side, they would know.”

“Are you mad?” He shakes his head. “You can’t really believe they’d help, knowing that I have anything to do with this.”

“You didn’t cause this.”

“Not directly. But I’m involved.”

“So is Thor.”

“And so are you,” he says. “They don’t even know you.”

“I don’t know if that’ll work for us or against us in this situation.” I pause. “What the hell do you mean you aren’t directly involved? You were on that ship and you’re the only one who remembers what happened!”

“But it wasn’t my fault this time!”

“In what world does being involved mean that you’re at fault?” I shake my head and roll my eyes. “At any rate, any kind of alien anything falls under the purview of the Avengers.”

Loki scowls. “You’re not going to drop this.”

“Why would I?” I shake my head. “I said I’d help, and taking this to someone who actually can is obviously part of that.”

He rolls his eyes. “Fine.”

“(Y/N?)” Thor croaks.

I don’t hesitate in shuffling over to him. He reaches out to me and takes my face in his hands. His eyes are filled with tears and his face is red and splotchy. He looks me over, almost as if he’s trying to decide if I’m real.

“I’m here,” I murmur. “It’s okay to let go.”

His bottom lip wobbles and he gathers me up in his arms and carefully holds me to his chest. I manage to wriggle my arms out of his hold and wrap one around his shoulders. I comb my fingers through his hair and slowly rock him from side to side as his entire body begins to shake with the force of his sobs.

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” I whisper. “You’ve lost so much… I’m so sorry, Thor.”

“There was so much,” he whispers.

“I know.”

He balls up big handfuls of my shirt and takes a deep, shaking breath. I sit and hold him until he can calm down. Loki doesn't even shift from his spot behind me, but it does little to put me at ease.

"That was a lot to take in at once," I murmur. Thor nods against my shoulder and I kiss the side of his head. "How about we get you upstairs? You can get some rest and process what you saw."

"I don't know…"

"I'm sure Daisy could be persuaded to come cuddle with you."

"I…" he sighs. "Alright."

It takes a moment for him to haul himself to his feet, but he allows me to lead him towards the door. I can feel Loki's eyes on us the entire time and it makes my skin crawl.

Once out in the hall, I call out to Daisy and she comes bounding up the stairs.

"That's a good girl!" I pat her side and she brushes up against Thor's leg. "Upstairs, Daisy lady, let's go."

She turns and does as she's told. By the time Thor and I make it up the stairs, she's situated herself on top of the covers. Her eyebrows perk up when she sees us and her tail thumps against the duvet. Thor lowers himself to the edge of the bed and tugs me down into his lap. He wraps his arms around me and presses his nose to my shoulder. The angle is awkward and I can't embrace him the way I was able to earlier.

"I'm so sorry," he says.

"You have nothing to apologize for. You're overwhelmed and mourning a sister you never knew you had, your father, your home. I… I don't know how you're feeling, but I know that it's more than anyone should have to go through on their own."

"He told you?"

I nod. "Everything. I know what happened on Asgard and on that ship. I-I am so sorry, honey. I wish there had been a better way for you to find out."

"I needed to know."

"That's true, but," I lean away and push his hair out of his eyes. "I don't like seeing you in pain." He opens his mouth and I press my fingertips to his lips. "I know you were bound to get hurt at some point while we're together. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon and to feel so… so helpless when it did."

I press my lips together to stop myself from saying anything else. Thor opens his mouth, but thinks better of what he was going to say and simply repositions me so that I can actually hug him. He loops my arms around his shoulders and circles his around my middle. He kisses me in an attempt to reassure me and I rest my forehead against his when we pull away.

"I don't seek out pain," he says, carefully choosing his words. "But it always seems to find me. I've lost so much, just in the last few years. I don't want to lose you too. I don't want to drive you away with my past."

"You won't. We're partners in this relationship." I lean back to meet his eyes and smile. "That means a lot of things, and one of them is dealing with each other's crazy."

"My crazy far outweighs yours, (Y/N)."

I shrug. "Mine is getting up there. I mean, I live alone in a lighthouse, was magically prompted to wander out into the woods to find a god, promptly fell for said god, started learning magic and looking for his brother and then dragged him out of the house in the middle of the night to literally go dig him up."

Thor laughs. "Still."

"On a human level, all of that sounds absolutely nuts, no matter how you swing it."

He nods. "That's true."

I smile and peck him on the lips. "You need to rest."

"What will you do?"

"I have to keep an eye on Loki. He doesn't know where he is. I'm sure he has questions."

"I don't know how I feel about you being alone with him."

"I'm not helpless."

"He has a silver tongue and he's manipulative. As much as I care about my brother, I know that he's not exactly trustworthy."

"Okay," I get to my feet and silently coax Thor into laying down. "If anything, and I mean anything weird happens, I'll come get you immediately."

He sighs and scrubs his hands over his face. "I don't know-"

"Thor, I'm an inch away from knocking you out myself." I pull the blankets up to his chin when he protests again and direct Daisy to lay across his chest. He shakes his head and tries to hide his smile. "Sleep. We'll be here when you're ready."

"Alright."

"Okay."

I stoop down and kiss his forehead before leaving the room.

When I return to the bedroom, Loki is exactly where I left him. I lean in the doorway and fold my arms.

“You hungry?” I ask.

His head shoots up. “What?”

I jerk my head towards the hallway. “Come on. I’ll make us some tea.”

He follows me downstairs and hovers while I put the kettle on and place peppermint tea sachets in mugs. I catch him folding his arms and glancing around out of the corner of my eye.

“Spit it out,” I say.

“What?”

“I can see that you want to say something.” I turn and lean against the counter. “So say it.”

His brow furrows. “You really care about him.”

“He’s my partner. Of course I care about him.”

“I see.”

“What’s your problem with me, anyway?” I tilt my head to the side. “Is it because I’m human?”

“Partially.”

“And the rest?”

“I don’t want to see him hurt.”

“I’m sure it wouldn’t be the first time you’ve seen it.” He scowls. “I’m not with him because he’s a god. Thor is a good man. He’s kind and intelligent and gentle. Most of all, he’s patient with me.”

Loki snorts. “The last thing I’d associate with my brother is patience.”

“I can’t say he’s patient in the day to day. I mean, everything is so fragile and fleeting on our planet, it’s easy to get frustrated. But, he’s patient with me.” I shake my head. “I don’t see why you’d be worried about him, though. From what I know about you, you’re not particularly concerned with that sort of thing.”

“I’m allowed the occasional change of heart, am I not?”

“I don’t know.” The kettle comes to a boil and I wait for the bubbles to calm before pouring water into each mug. “Are you?”

He stares me down and only answers when I hand him his mug.

"I'm not sure," he admits. "It's something I'm still sorting out for myself."

"I see. Well, I guess that's all I can ask of you, right? A little introspection never hurt anyone."

He falls silent and I take that time to drain the sachet and add a packet of sweetener to my tea. I blow across the surface of the tea before taking a sip and immediately regretting it. I ask him if he takes any sweetener in his tea and he shakes his head.

“I wonder if I might ask a few questions,” he says.

“Such as?”

“Where are we?”

“A little no-name town on an inlet in Maine.” I lead him to the living room and gesture to the stairs. “I live in and operate the lighthouse.”

“And you truly speak with Heimdall?”

“Mhm.” Charles jumps up into my lap when I sit on the couch. He places his paws on my chest and tries to put his face in my tea. “Not for you, bud. It’s hot.”

He tried again and I pushed him off. He made a little indignant noise and nosed at my hand.

“Who’s this?” Loki asks.

“This is Charles.” Charles doesn’t take his eyes off the mug and I sigh. “You can’t have the tea, dude. What kind of mother would I be if I let you burn yourself?”

“He seems like a handful.”

“Believe it or not, the handful is curled up with your brother upstairs.” I scowl at Charles. “Would you just sit down?”

I set the mug on the end table and scratch up and down his sides. His back arches and he rubs his face against my cheeks. I scrunch up my face and wait till he’s finished. He eventually settles in my lap and I sigh and grab my tea.

“You can take a seat too,” I say, gesturing for Loki to sit.

He sits on the opposite end of the couch and sips his tea. “You said something about someone with Thor?”

“Right. My dog, Daisy, is keeping him company.” I laugh when his brows pinch together. “He’s her absolute best friend. She follows him all around the house.”

“I see.”

“Sorry, I didn’t answer your question earlier.” I took a big gulp of my cooling tea and set it to the side. “Yes, I do talk to Heimdall. I’m the only one who he’s been able to contact since Thor crash landed a few months back.”

“Odd.” He leans forward and tilts his head to the side. “And how did you discover your magic?”

“My family has a history with magic. My father said an aunt of mine actually had magic and he kept a set of protection runes around in case we needed them. Heimdall theorized that my magic is the reason he was able to contact me and no one else.”

Loki hums. “I see.”

“Heimdall did what he could to teach me how to control it, but magic for me is, I don’t know…” I gesture vaguely. “Kind of just this amorphous blob?”

“Then how do you contain it?”

“How do you mean?”

“Magic isn’t just something that you call on whenever you please, it’s all around you. How do you contain it?”

“Oh, uh…” I shrug. “It’s always just there. I used to get really tired when I tried to cast something, but it’s gotten easier.”

“Explain.”

“I was pulled into some kind of pocket where I was able to see Heimdall. He and I were able to work together to make a kind of magic circuit in order for him and Thor to speak. I practically fainted when that happened, but in the weeks it took to find you I was fine by comparison.”

His jaw clenches, but he simply nods and sips at his tea.

We sit in silence while we finish our drinks. Loki wanders back upstairs to the bedroom he woke up in and I start on making the shepherd’s pie I had planned for dinner. Once it’s in the oven, I go back to my office and finish what I can of the work I had been pulled away from when Loki woke earlier.

The smell of baking cheese eventually draws Loki out into the stairwell and he creeps down to the kitchen when I tell him dinner was ready. He disappears into his room as soon as he clears his plate. While packing up leftovers, I consider leaving out a portion for Thor, but decide against it. If he didn’t wake up for dinner, chances are slim that he’ll wake up for it later. Instead, I put the leftovers in the fridge and go upstairs to get ready for bed.

About an hour later, I crawl into bed and Thor rolls over and wraps his arms around me. With my back against his chest, I grab his hand and kiss his knuckles before settling against him. Charles curls up against my stomach and I eventually doze off.

--------

Part 10

Alright, so we’ve got more Loki and, unintentionally, more questions than answers, probably. Sorry! Everything will be answered in due time, I promise.

That being said, I’d love to know what you thought of this chapter! Your feedback fuels my inspirations, which means more fic for you in the future, so comment, like, reblog, and/or shoot me an ask!

If you’d like to be tagged in future chapters, please let me know!

Tag list:

@ghostlyhamlet, @claws-of-vibranium, @creaturefeatures101, @buckysendoftheline, @imagine-assembling-the-avengers, @ptprocrastination, @1950schick, @amayasymone23, @arfrona-and-marvel, @ek823, @fanaticfangirl001, @furrywerewolfcollector, @kissofvenom922, @dawn-phantomhive, @fangirlwithasweettooth, @mairhof1, @starryeyesbadguys, @trap-house-homiecide, @buckywhitewolfbarnes, @kaepm981, @howdoesoneadult, @pcdmesamidala, @thefandomplace, @sian22redux, @skeletoresinthebasement, @lady-thor-foster, @jazzcutie, @gaytonystark, @geeksareunique, @nyxveracity, @breezy1415, @darling-loki, @lemonadeorange73, @tofeartheunknown, @queenoftheunderdark​, @avengerscompound​

This fic:

@chelzwwefan, @claire-of-the-country, @sunflowers-and-swear-words, @heystucky, @annathewitch, @thebdelliumlady, @myfuturisticallysteadycollector, @inumorph, @slitherysneke, @bojabee, @givemethatgold, @bluestaratsunrise

[randomestfandoms-ocs]

I don't know if you want to but would our crossover of Ben Hopper and Stacy Byers be an option for 5 song playlist? ✨ If not it' totally okay but could I see Stacy Byers and Robin? 👀

they are always an option I love them so much!!!!!!!  i mean I’m kind of sobbing because I’m feeling like shit and want this level of love and support for myself but god I love them so much

Stand By You, The Pretenders

When the night falls on you / You don't know what to do / Nothing you confess / Could make me love you less / I'll stand by you

Two, Sleeping At Last

If something's wrong you can count on me / You know I'll take my heart clean apart / If it helps yours beat

I just want to love you, to love you, to love you well / I just want to learn how, somehow to be loved myself

Superheroes, The Script

All the hurt, all the lies / All the tears that they cry / When the moment is just right / You see fire in their eyes / Cause he's stronger than you know / A heart of steel starts to grow

Ghosts That We Knew, Mumford & Sons

You saw my pain, washed out in the rain / Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins / But you saw no fault no cracks in my heart / And you knelt beside my hope torn apart

So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light / Cause oh that gave me such a fright / But I will hold as long as you like / Just promise me we'll be alright

Stand By You, Rachel Platten (note: don’t think about this literally with both of them and their legs and the end of season 2)

I’ll be your eyes when yours can’t shine / I’ll be your arms, I’ll be your steady satellite / And when you can’t rise / Well, I’ll cry with you on hands and knees / Cause I // I’m gonna stand by you

Bonus: You Will Be Found (idk this gives me very specific vibes of Ben & Jon picking Stacey up from Lonnie’s)

Well, let that lonely feeling wash away / Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be okay / Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand / You can reach, reach out your hand / And oh, someone will come running / And I know, they'll take you home

Even when the dark comes crashing through / When you need a friend to carry you / And when you're broken on the ground / You will be found

Send me a ship (romantic or platonic) and I’ll make a five song playlist

[snowdice]

Food You’ll Never Eat (Part 3 of the Series “Is There Anything Left of Patton?”

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Virgil & Patton (?) Virgil & Logan, Logan/Patton(?)

Characters: Virgil, Patton(?), Logan

Summary:  And was this cruel, Virgil had to wonder, to the man that Patton used to be? To the men they both used to be? To drag what was left of Patton back into the world of the living? To tie him down to the couch he once picked out himself? To let him look blankly out the window into a world he’d never be a part of again? Virgil was not sure. He just knew that usually when Logan and Patton were in the same room together, Virgil could feel the heartbreak and mourning drowning them all.

This though? This was almost, almost, funny.

Notes: Zombie Apocalypse AU, Past major character death(?), Look it’s a zombie AU so you can probably guess why there’s a question mark after everything involving Patton. Angst. It’s a little funnier than the last two parts?? Maybe? Zombie Patton is a little funny if you forget the whole horrifying painful death that caused it. Logan still cries of course.

The third part of a series of one-shots called Is There Anything Left of Patton?

Previous parts: 

“Something Left”

“Someone You’ll Never Meet”

Convincing Logan to bring Patton upstairs had been frustratingly difficult considering how badly Logan clearly wanted it. It had not been helped by the fact that Virgil had snuck around behind his back to do something “objectively stupid.” (Hypocritical considering how Logan had snuck around behind his back for months and went into the cage many times to do said “objectively stupid” thing himself. But, you know. Whatever.)

“I tested it with a rat first,” Virgil had defended himself, shaking the cage he’d been holding, “Luckily for Nibbles, Patton isn’t interested in live meat.”

“Luckily for you,” had been the retort.

It had led to a series of arguments over the next couple of weeks with interactions such as…

“Why would you even want to do that?”

“I wanted to know. Sue me for wanting to be aware if there was ticking time bomb in the basement that could come and bite me in the ass at any moment. Literally.”

and…

“Well, I’ve kinda grown to like Patton.”

“Patton’s a zombie! He might as well be that chair.”

“Look I’m not going to listen to a lecture on my attachment issues by a guy who keeps his dead boyfriend’s corpse in his basement.”

and…

“He might be more comfortable up here.”

“Patton isn’t going to be comfortable anywhere ever again.”

“But what’s left of him might be.”

“…”

 It was still a trial run. Neither of them was exactly going to sleep with Patton upstairs, and so Logan always wrestled him back downstairs at night. During the day, they didn’t let him freely roam the house; they’d finagled him what was basically a man-sized toddler leash. He… did not seem to like the leash. He tried to yank on it every time they pulled him around on it, but he never managed to think about using the simple clasp to get out of it even after he saw Virgil and Logan use it multiple times. He didn’t even seem to understand that Virgil and Logan were the source of the tugging, simply turning his ire on the belt itself.

He was all instinct. Struggle against things that pulled on you, grab for things that moved or made sound, eat things that your body wanted to eat. There was no more thought put into his actions than Virgil put into the act of breathing.

Virgil had secretly hope that brining him upstairs into what was once his home and not keeping him completely restrained all the time would make him act… he didn’t know… more human? Like, maybe there’d be a spark of recognition in his eyes when he saw his old bedroom, or he’d want to reach out for one of the stuffed animals Logan set out for him. But he just didn’t. He reacted, but only on the most basic levels. He would hear Logan or Virgil speak, but what they said made no difference. He would watch them move, sometimes getting up from the couch or chair they’d attached him to in order to follow them and then blindly swiping the leash when it pulled him back. Yet, he’d react the same way if they threw something large enough or if he caught site of an animal outside the window. He would reach and reach for them, but whatever it was his zombie brain seemed to want, he would never find it.

The only time he took any initiative was when there was food in the area and god was Virgil glad that he and Logan apparently did not register as food to the guy because holy fuck. The first time Virgil had seen him eat a potato, he’d almost thrown up. Like, the meat was one thing. He’d been prepared for the meat. It was fine, but the potato? He shuddered in memory even now. His mind could just not accept it. Also, he was also absolutely unstoppable when food was in the area. They had quickly learned to not attempt to cook or eat anything the zombie found palatable with him in reaching distance because, whatever it was, would be going into his mouth, no argument to be had.

Yet, despite it all, Virgil could not regret bringing him up here. Perhaps there was nothing of a person left under all of that instinct, but he still seemed calmer upstairs. Virgil was fairly certain it had more to do with the lack of restraints than the fact that his surroundings were nicer. While he pulled against the leash sometimes, it was easy for him to forget about it. He didn’t breathe quite as heavily or make as many sickening noises. He still tried to grab them when they were near, much like other zombies did (just without the biting), but it seemed just a touch less desperate.

Then there was Logan. Virgil felt a bit conflicted about Logan. He clearly wanted Patton upstairs, but at the same time, Virgil often caught him looking at the zombie wistfully. Logan was sadder when he was upstairs, but at least he was emoting something. He was less blank and emotionless. He tended to talk more even if those words were almost always tinged with melancholy. When Logan looked at Patton, he clearly could see that he wasn’t the man he loved anymore, but he was something.

And was this cruel, Virgil had to wonder, to the man that Patton used to be? To the men they both used to be? To drag what was left of Patton back into the world of the living? To tie him down to the couch he once picked out himself? To let him look blankly out the window into a world he’d never be a part of again? Virgil was not sure. He just knew that usually when Logan and Patton were in the same room together, Virgil could feel the heartbreak and mourning drowning them all.

This though? This was almost, almost, funny.

 “What did… what did you do to my dining room?” Logan asked aghast when he walked downstairs to see what looked to be going on two dozen plates and bowls of barely touched food haphazardly stacked across the table, something red (distinctly not blood thankfully) all over Virgil and the carpet, and silverware and cups on the floor.

“Patton and I are trying different foods,” Virgil said as though it were the most natural thing in the world. “He really did not like the tomato soup.”

Logan rubbed the bridge of his nose with two fingers. “He is clearly an obligatory carnivore. What is the point of this?”

Virgil didn’t answer him. Instead, he set down yet another plate in front of Patton. Logan bristled a bit at the dismissal. “I heard your no on tomatoes loud and clear buddy,” he addressed Patton. “So, maybe we should stick with root vegetables from the oven. I present for your culinary experience, oven roasted carrots.” Patton stared straight forward, not even looking at the plate. “Please dude. I can’t take the only eating potatoes thing. I really can’t. It’s going to drive me bonkers.”

“This is completely unnecessary and ridiculous,” Logan hissed.

“Well, what else am I supposed to do with him Logan?” Virgil asked. “It’s not like we can play chess or have an invigorating conversation about the meaning of the universe.”

“You’re not supposed to do anything with him,” Logan snapped. “He’s not a person anymore. He’s not even a pet. He’s lawn furniture that can walk. He’s a fucking corpse that just isn’t in the ground yet.”

“Then why is he here Logan?”

“Because you wanted to bring him up from the basement!” Patton turned at his increased volume and stumbled to his feet to paw at Logan. Logan pushed him firmly away, but he just kept coming.

“No. If that’s what you think,” Virgil said. “then why is he here, Logan?”

“Because,” Logan shut his mouth. He grabbed Patton’s wrist in his hand to keep it from him and looked away from them both. “Because I love him,” Logan said. He squeezed the hand and got nothing in return. “Because I love him and he’s not here anymore. Sometimes I find myself pretending, but I know he’s not.” he looked up to stare into Patton’s blank eyes. There was no spark to them, and there was no emotion on the face that used to be so open and dynamic. He used to always smile and joke and offer soft touches. Now there was nothing left but the way he struggled to grab at Logan’s face. “Yet…” he continued. “There is something there. Just… just a little piece. Not nearly him, but something. I can’t… I can’t let him go.” He roughly used his unoccupied hand to wipe a tear that had leaked out of one of his eyes away. “And he’s not a toy. He may not be a person anymore, but he was once.”

“I…” Virgil said softly, “I know that Lo. I’m not playing games with him, I swear. I just thought maybe he’d like some other food. Might as well give him things he likes, right?”

Logan let out a soft sob against his will and Virgil’s arms went carefully around him even as the new sound renewed Patton’s efforts to get to him. “I would have let him kill me,” Logan divulged. “When I found him. He was trapped and I knew he wasn’t there anymore, but I let him loose because I knew I couldn’t kill him or leave him there. I couldn’t live without him.”

“Oh Logan,” Virgil sighed. Logan turned from Patton into Virgil’s chest and Virgil rubbed his back as he cried even when Patton started up the grabbing at the back of his head now that he was released. After a few moments, Logan managed to wrestled control over himself.

He stepped back and started to push Patton back toward the chair he’d been sitting in. He aimlessly shoved back. “That’s how I figured out he wouldn’t hurt me,” he told Virgil. He finally got Patton shoved back into the chair. “You’d never hurt me, would you dear?” There was no answer from Patton except to wiggle against the hold, but then again, he’d already answered that question, hadn’t he? He answered it every moment of every day that the mindless husk of himself never tried to harm Logan. He answered it right now when all he did was push against the arms restraining him and never tilted his head down to bite.

Logan knew, logically, it was probably only some kink in the code of whatever virus or parasite the disease was, but some part of him couldn’t help but think that maybe just a part of it was an echo of the man he loved.

Patton gave up the struggle to get back up eventually, more forgetting than relenting. There were a few more moments of silence and then Logan turned to Virgil and forced a small smile. “So, what are you going to try to feed him next? Just a warning, he didn’t care for tomatoes when he was alive.”

“I really wish you’d told me that before he sprayed soup everywhere.”

“How exactly did that happen?”

“I tried to spoon feed him and he must have not liked the smell or the touch of the metal on his lips because he slapped the spoon away. His arm hit the bowl too and I got surprised and knocked over some glasses.”

Logan found himself chuckling. “That’s surprisingly in character for Patton,” he said. “Once we talked about his dislike for tomatoes and he told me that he was fine with cooked ones meaning, of course, in spaghetti sauce or on pizza but hated them raw. So, I cooked him grilled whole tomatoes. He threw them at me.”

Virgil laughed with him. “Well, maybe I’m going about this the wrong way. What did he like to eat?”

Logan hummed. “He would eat dill pickles straight from the jar. I’d call him a heathen and try to take them away from him.”

“You’re the heathen; dill pickles are good.”

“Disgusting,” Logan replied. “He also had a sweet tooth. Particularly for snickerdoodle cookies.”

“Hmm,” Virgil said, “alright. So, we’ll work with the cucumber family and sugar and see where it goes.”

 Patton did eat two pickles on his own power later that day. It was… not any more pleasant to watch than the potatoes.

Want to read more? The next part of this series is

Things You’ll Never Do

[serendipityjxmn]

I Hate You, Park Jimin!

Chapter 19

Words Count: 2.2k

TW: Slight smut mentions

Link to Chapter 18

Link to Chapter 20

“Think it would be nice if you called me first, Kim Taehyung.”

The other scoffed. “If I had to wait for you, she probably would’ve been completely harassed by that fucker.”

Jimin snarled but knew he couldn’t say anything against that. He knew Taehyung was trying to protect me.

“And it’s not like I’ve never touched the girls you left before...”

“Fuck off Kim Taehyung. Keep your hands off her. There won’t be anymore next time of this.”

“Whatever.”

I could hear the conversation but only faintly. But I was well aware of the heat embracing me. “Jimin...?” I called and I felt the grip tightening on my shoulder.

“Baby..?”

“I feel like throwing up.” All of my insides were burning and everything seemed desperate to escape my stomach.

“W-what?”

I didn’t know where I was but I knew that I vomited right then and there.

And then I lost consciousness again.

I was vaguely aware that I was in a car. Jimin’s hands warm around me. His familiar scent of cologne.. ah.. how could I be so stupid to think the stranger- now Kim Taehyung- was Jimin..?

Because my mind’s only filled with him..

I woke up again to the sound of someone punching in passcodes. The door unlocked with the familiar ring. My apartment..? Jimin brought me to my apartment...?

My eyes opened but the lights quickly blinded me so I shut them back instantly. Jimin carried me in his arms to my bedroom. I suddenly felt the urge to cry although obviously I was still not sober, at all.

“You’re so bad to me... you broke my heart..” I whispered and his footsteps halted. I felt my own cheeks getting wet. After a few moments of silence and him staring at my face (I think), he continued to carry me towards my bedroom. Then he gently placed me on his bed. Slowly, he shrugged my coat off my shoulder. Then he unwrapped the scarf on my neck. Wait- did he put the scarf on me?

He crouched down in front of me. Eyes searching for mine. “Baby.. let’s talk.”

I scoffed. I pushed him away before his hands could hold me. “Don’t.” I whispered.

He sighed. “You’re clearly still drunk. Fine then. Just- sleep.” He said and with that he exited my bedroom. I was pretty sure I cried to sleep that night.

I woke up groggily the next morning, feeling better than I should be although my head was still throbbing. Then I noticed a glass of empty water with some medicine over the bedside table. I sighed. Even when we’re like this.. he still took care of me.

I ate the medicine with a thousand thoughts running through my mind. And then suddenly I realized that I was no longer in the clothes I wore when I went to the club last night. I was in my pyjamas set of tank top and shorts. My hands instinctively went towards my chest- I gasped- no bra!

Jimin changed my clothes. But oddly, I was sure he didn’t touch me at all, apart from undressing and redressing me. At that, I somehow felt disappointed. Another level of twisted.

I shook my head. Taking a deep breath, I got up from my bed. I had a mission today- to fix whatever mistake I’ve made.

And so an hour later, I stood awkwardly in front of Jimin’s apartment, after repeatedly going back and forth in front of the door, contemplating my decision.

Biting my lips, I decided to muster as much courage as I could. Holding my breath as if that would make everything easier, I pressed the bell.

I waited. But no one answered.

Shit. Was no one home? Or was he home but refused to answer the door because he knew it was me?

The latter made my stomach knots uneasily. But somehow I was a tiny bit relieved if he wasn’t home at all.

I pressed the bell again and waited again.

When I seemingly decided that he wasn’t home, I turned to make my way back down and home and to escape this for another year before I could will myself to brace the problems again.

Except that I couldn’t.

I gasped and became completely frozen when I saw Jimin standing a few feet from me, having came from the elevator.

He only looked at me with some expression I couldn’t fathom. Then calmly he took strides forward and I held my breath.

“What are you doing here?”

I felt stupid for coming immediately. I should bolt at that instant yet I still stood rooted there. “I came to talk to you.” I said instead.

He scoffed. Not the reaction I wanted. “So now you wanna talk?” His voice slightly raised. Definitely not the reaction I wanted.

I felt my own blood boiling. “What does that supposed to mean? I’m the one who’s supposed to be mad here!” Literally... right?

“Yeah I know. I admit it’s my fault but when I tried to explain to you, you don’t think of giving me a second to explain myself, do you? And now you come to me saying you wanna talk?”

I flinched. I’ve never seen Jimin so angry with me..

His expression softened a bit. “Just.. go.”

My heart fell. Tears welled up in my eyes instantly. Jimin had never told me to go away before. What if he really changed his mind? What if he somehow realize that I’m not the one for him?

Jimin turned his back on me, ready to pull open his door. Without thinking, my hands slipped through his arms and hugged him hard from the back. My hands clenched into a fist against his chest. I fought my tears as I buried my head on his back. He stood frozen for a few moments before I felt his hands trying to pull my hands away from his chest.

I resisted. Instead I hugged him even harder and I began to sob. “I... miss you so much.. and I hate you for making me so miserable..”

Suddenly and very forcefully, he tore my hands away from him. Within seconds he had turned me around and pinned me against the door. I didn’t dare to look up at him as tears continued to roll down my face.

Then I felt his lips against mine. Warm, soft, enchanting, intoxicating and just everything. It felt as if his lips were made perfectly just for me.

I didn’t reply immediately because I was still crying but he kissed me so forcefully it took all my focus away.

Then he pulled back, his soft expression watching me. His thumb move towards my cheek, and gently he wiped the tears on my face. Wordlessly, he pulled me inside his apartment.

He made me sit on his sofa in the living room then. The fireplace warming both of us up. He sat down beside me, close enough but not too close to be touching me. It hurt. I longed to touch him. The silence made me feel restless.

“Don’t you think it’s hot?” He frowned when I stood up.

I paced back and forth in front of him.

“Baby sit down.”

I stilled at his endearment although I’ve heard it a thousand times from his mouth before. “I feel hot.” I tugged at the hem of my knitted shirt.

“Hana.” His body leaned forward and hand firmly clasped around my wrist, stopping whatever I was doing. “Just sit down, okay?”

I looked at him and then at his hands over my wrist. Weirdly, I just felt like throwing myself onto him and kiss the shit out of him.

So that’s what I did. Within seconds, I straddled him and I registered his surprised expression before I kissed him. My hands carded his hair immediately, persuading him to kiss me back.

“Hana, stop.” He said when he pulled away.

It suddenly occurred to me that he didn’t want me. He didn’t want me anymore.

“Why..?”

He shut his eyes, as if everything had been so difficult and painful for him.

My heart had never thumped so fast before. “You.. don’t want me?” I whispered.

“Me not wanting you? Fuck- Hana.” His voice came out low, almost like a growl. I flinched. “There was never a moment or a second that I don’t want you. I want you and every single inch of your body. There’s not a single part of you that I don’t want, you hear me?”

I sucked in a breath. “Then why-“

“As much as I want to kiss the fuck out of you too, you and I both know we need to talk. And I need a clear head to talk about this. So you are going to be a good girl and sit beside me while we talk this out. Okay?” I realized what he meant when I felt his hardening crotch underneath me, right against my sex. I feel blood rushing to my face.

“Oh. Okay.” I said and quickly unstraddled him to sit beside him. He watched me with a twinge of amusement on his face.

“Okay.” He said, mirroring me. Then his face turned serious. “What’s going on?”

I didn’t know where to start. There was a thousand thing running through my mind but I can’t seem to be able to put them properly into words.

Jimin seemed to know the war in my head. He always knew. “Why don’t we start with something simple?” He’s so psychic it’s creepy.

But it worked. I racked my brain for recollections of memories that happened these past few days. “Uh.. was it.. uh.. did it really happen last night.. um.. Taehyung?”

He made an annoyed face. “Yeah. I’ll deal with him later.”

What does that supposed to mean? I frowned.

“And you. You’re not drinking again.” He threw me an angry look.

I bit my lips. “Was it that.. bad?”

“Bad enough.” He rolled his eyes. He then leaned in, lips close enough to my cheeks I had to suck in a breath. “I swear I’m gonna kill the fucker that touched you.”

My brows knitted. “Someone touched me?”

He stilled then looked at me. “You don’t have to remember that. So now, let’s talk about our shit.”

“Our shit?” I giggled. It somehow sounded funny.

His lips quirked up in a smile. “Yes, our shit.”

I took a deep breath. The orbs of his eyes staring intently at me, ready to hear. “Someone.. told me.. that you’re in for an arranged marriage..” I whispered, looking away.

“Who the fuck told you that?” He snapped. Shit- not a good start.

I remained silent.

“If you won’t tell me I swear-“

“Jungkook.” I replied. “It was Jungkook who told me.”

“That fucker I swear-“

“Jimin-“ I cut him. “Is it... true...?”

He drew a sharp breath. Then he let out an exasperated sigh. “Yes.”

I stilled. Eyes turned to search his gaze immediately. “Then why didn’t you tell me..?”

“Because I fucking had no plan to get on with it!” He growled.

“But I still had the right to know!” I snapped at him.

He let out an exasperated sigh. “Yeah, I know. It’s my fault for not telling you. I’m sorry.. you weren’t even supposed to know about this.”

“Of course I would since you even went out on a date with her and there’s me stupidly waiting for your call.”

“It wasn’t like that!” He growled. Then with a softer tone, he continued. “She came to my house that day. And my dad forced me to take her to lunch. I can’t even stand being around her for two minutes so I left immediately. That’s all.”

I bit my lip guiltily. Of course Jimin didn’t cheat. I brought this upon myself. Suddenly I realized I was the problem.

“She’s a family friend.” He said while I was mentally debating with myself. “We knew each other since we were kids. Till she moved to U.S during high school. I had always known that our parents want us to marry each other. That’s kinda one of the reason why I’ve never really been technically involved with anyone. Till I met you.” His gaze was intense against mine.

I looked away after a few moments. I only had one thing in my mind. A decision to solve everything- the mess that we’re in now.

“Maybe... maybe you should go back to her.” I whispered.

“What?!” He sputtered and threw me an incredulous look.

I didn’t dare to look at him. ���I’m never gonna be good enough for you.”

“What the fuck-?”

I stilled, still not daring to look at him.

“That’s it? You’re letting me go?” His voice raised slightly.

Before I could say anything, his lips were on mine. He kissed me so forcefully and deeply as if he was trying to tell me how frustrated he was at the situation- at me.

“Then tell me to stay! Fuck- Hana, is it so difficult for you to be honest to yourself for once?” He said before crashing his lips onto mine again, not giving me a chance to say anything. His kiss was urgent, persuasive. It wasn’t long till his tongue demanded entrance, exploring my mouth indefinitely.

“Do you really want me to go..?” he whispered as his lips moved to suck on my collarbone and desire spread in me like wildfire. I tried to stifle a moan. We were supposed to be talking! Not... this. His hands moved to touch me all over the place and I was already aching for him. For him to touch me the way I missed him to.

Link to Masterlist

Posted on 200915 8:30PM

[aeirithgainsborough]

very Important adam/ronan things to take away from the cdth sampler:

“like the other lynch brothers, he was a regular churchgoer, but most people assumed he played for the other team.” i am SCREAMING. top tier gay joke. well timed.

everyone: ronan’s eyes aren’t pretty. adam: mhmm  e y e l a s h e s

much to say about the revelation that ronan is partly at the barns to keep his dreams hidden and in check, and how much he relates an inability to change and be like everyone else to having to stay there. almost like he’s stuck huh! i’ve been saying!!

of note that words used to describe ronan’s existence are BORED and MALINGERED.

fingers crossed he finds some balance between his dreams and his wants/needs that allows him to leave the barns and grow but after the Great Crab Disaster I’M WORRIED.

fire imagery EVERYWHERE. i’m WORRIED again.

“there are stains that spread faster than you drive. if you drive, it’ll take fourteen years to get there. seventeen. forty. one hundred. we’ll be driving to your funeral by the end.” good to know ronan is still the most DRAMATIC boy in the whole of virginia. absolutely no chill.

dont like the possible foreshadowing of that driving to your funeral by the end, though. must leave lynches alone!

“it’s very safe” asjkajjka DECLAN PLEASE 

“ronan kicked one of the volvo’s tires” asjkajjka RONAN PLEASE. 

ronan trying to act nonchalant by cramming chocolate covered peanuts into his mouth and choking a little is Peak Disaster Gay. 

matthew’s music must be awful if ronan and declan are in agreement over it, must have playlist. 

ronan who lives to pretend he doesn’t care wondering if his brothers didn’t say anything about his moving because it didn’t make a difference to them is huhhh. don’t like it, take it away pls.

i’m sorry, ENTIRELY WRAPPED UP IN! ENTIRELY! 

entirely

wrapped

up

in

shut up!!!! shut upppppp! 

“is there any version of you that could come with me to cambridge?” tbh nothing would have readied me for this. adam i-can-do-everything-alone asking ronan if he could go with him. so much growth, too much pride, nowhere to put it, send help.

the fact that ronan doesn’t stay in cambridge when he visits adam because of plausible deniability, that if he doesn’t try there’s no evidence he can’t make it there. rip. 

ronan! missed! him! like! a! lung! 

dramatic again, but entirely relatable bc damn, same ronan, same. 

a) ronan thinking about how his heartbeat is the same as everyone else’s so he wasn’t that different and b) JUST LIKE ADAM’S HEART WHEN HIS HEAD WAS RESTING ON HIS HEAD = much too much to think about. need to lie down for a bit.

he could move to follow the guy he loved!! we all knew it was love, we’ve always known it was love, but! the words. the words!!!!! brb sobbing.

i have only had jordan for a day and a half but if anything happened to her i would kill everyone in this room and then myself. 11/10 would marry.

art forgery plot confirmed!

THIS WAS HOW IT HAD BEGUN

bitch fkajdkajksja GIVE ME A WARNING. 

still can’t compose myself RE the info that ronan saw adam and immediately sent a desperate prayer up to god 

will the word please ever be the same again? definitely not!

adam’s arms adam’s hands his lovely! boyish! hands!

the description of his expressions with all its contradictions and multitudes is just my favourite thing ever. it encapsulates everything i love about adam fucking parrish.

and the fact that ronan instantly recognised all those multitudes in him. there was always a level of understanding ronan had for adam throughout trc that no one else did and this tells us he had that before he even met him, he just... recognised something in him i just... ;______; 

please 

ronan knowing all the harvard stats because he was the person adam could crow to, how he takes on that adam that is still full of contradictions and multitudes, how he finds it hard but he absorbs all the facts and all of adam’s anxieties, even in the face of his own anxieties about adam leaving and falling in love with the shining, educated people that ronan thinks are better than him. that absolute, unwavering support 😭😭😭

tbh there’s a whole ass lot to unpack in this section so imma try and do it briefly (she says!)

ronan lynch is a romantic cdth confirmed: 

he could have texted adam but he liked the soft surprise of it

over the past few days ronan had played his reunion with adam over in his head MANY TIMES

adam i love you but that outfit sounds awful. you are a student, it’s a friday night, put some sweats on and stuff some cheetos in your mouth. 

the sweet nervousness of their reunion, how they walk past each other and both seem so uncertain. they’re a year into dating and the still get nervous and unsure after a few weeks apart and it’s CUTE and definitely speaks to their excitement/anticipation levels.

THE WATCH. big time softness. 

they hugged hard ;_____; 

im just so relieved that they’re allowed to touch each other and be intimate and aren’t consigned to the ‘boys in love aren’t like that boring boring’ corner. 

the way ronan thinks about how adam fits as he remembered. huh. you’re really gonna do this to me.

his hand still pressed against the back of ronan’s skull the way it ALWAYS did when they hugged. 

you smell like home. you smell like home!!!!!! brb ive gone absolutely fucking feral. 

i both want to play repo because it sounds fun and don’t want to because it sounds complicated and i fucking hate instructions. much confusion. 

adam pressing his shoe hard against ronan’s and then his leg and then breathing in ronan’s ear I AM HOWLING. ronan’s nerve endings being made a marvel of I AM SOBBING. it’s very important that m/m ships are afforded the same level of explicit attraction as m/f (and i don’t mean explicit as in nsfw, i mean as in obvious)

no offence because i love them but all of adam’s friends sound Extra™

“to the outside eye, ronan lynch was a loser” pls ronan, you are giving me an ulcer.

scary spice i asjkjdkjskdjak

queer crying club! i stan!!

also adam saying in the epilogue of trk that he wanted to save all the adam’s hidden in plain view and then going to college and scooping up all the criers and giving them something to do is far too much to handle.

don’t think about that and the time he thought about how he used to spend his nights crying on the trailer steps and wondering why he bothered until gansey came along and offered him friendship. dont think about how he’s essentially paying that forward DON’T THINK ABOUT IT.

hand holding, arms around each other, hip to hip walking, can’t wait anymore kissing, I MISSED YOU. love that for me! 

but also the fact that adam reaches down for ronan’s hand and its so natural. ronan’s hand is there so he just. takes it. 

hearing ronan’s thoughts on what happened with robert at last is A Lot. the way it’s still happening, always happening, kept fresh and savage shows how affected ronan was by it all and still is and i think its so important that he’s not just. angry and hot headed. there’s more to it than that. its painful, it makes him feel sick, its unending and it really speaks to how much adam means to him. 

adam thinks he has no one BITCH YOU’VE GOT ALL OF US. 

and ronan. 

but. how he feels like he has nothing still. the way his voice hitches on ‘because’ because it’s all still so painful. i wanna wrap him up. i wanna take everything that hurts away. i wanna tell him he’s so loved. guess i’ll just have to sit back and watch him work his way through it all I GUESS. no but i am looking forward to his growth in this trilogy, especially considering how much he’s grown already. adam parrish invented character growth lets 👏 be 👏 real 👏

it had never been a fight between them/it was a fight between adam and himself, between adam and the world/for ronan it was a fight between truth and compromise, between the black and white he saw and the reality everyone else experienced. i LOVE this. it so well encapsulates them. and it’s so important that they can realise their differing world views and their complexities and meet in the middle somewhere.

“ronan put his lips on adam’s deaf ear, and he hated adam’s father” FUCK ME UP. my absolute favourite bit 103930%. absolute incoherent mess over here. not! okay! see other post for more coherency because i only had it for 5.7 minutes. 

frowning, guarded, crumpled adam who i’ll literally. never be over in all of my life. 38983/10 will love him until the end of time. 

i want it too much. !!!!!! going feral again over here. WHAT DO YOU WANT ADAM? I WANT IT TOO MUCH. definitely will never shut up about this. 

scared adam is going to be a visionary so pretending chapter 6 doesn’t exist. 

LINDENMERE ;________;

i love it already

i CANNOT believe that ronan is being dream invaded and challenged and he’s over here like hmm nice bike ELEGANT and ROUGH and READY like ADAM asjkasj please ronan you are so embarrassing!! 

also. ronan thinks adam is elegant and rough and ready so! there’s that!

i literally. cannot. cope with the HILARITY of chapter 8. the whole thing is a complete and utter DISASTER. it’s absolutely gone off in adam’s room after all his work at constructing a well put together boy. ronan comes for a night and everything goes BONKERS. amazing. 

(really worried about what this means RE ronan being able to exit the barns and grow and change and not be bored and not feel like a loser so we’re focusing on the hilarious disaster of it all.)

p.s. adam sleeping slotted between ronan and the wall OKAY. THIS IS FINE! 

p.p.s. adam’s bed hair is WILD. 

p.p.p.s i have missed adam and ronan so so so so so much and im an emotional fucking wreck

[malafight]

Long-Ass Life Update (I’m not dead!)

Finally a life update now that I’m back home. It’s been a painful and tiring couple of weeks :’) And actually some of the days/times might be off because I was like super fucking out of it for most of that time period.

Anyhow, I went to the ER on Friday the 1st after 3 days of severe stomach pain, and the local hospital is like notoriously shitty but I was in horrible pain ok

They actually took me seriously for once, took me back immediately, ekg, ultrasound, blood and piss tests, and told me from the start not to eat or drink anything.

They told me they found gallstones and one or more might be stuck in the bile duct, but they made it sound like it wasnt inflamed and there werent many, so I wasnt super worried? They sent me for an MRI and then told me that they didnt have the capability to get out any stones, so they sent my ass an hour away via ambulance to a much better hospital so they could do the probe thing they needed to. It took until Saturday night to get a room there, though, and they didnt know when I’d get there and since they figured theyd want to do the probe ASAP, I was kept completely without eating or drinking for all of Friday night and Saturday, after not eating more than a few bites of muffin on Friday and next to nothing Thursday either because Everything Hurt.

Also, Fentanyl is fucking magic. Thats the only thing that even vaguely touched the pain.

So anyhow, I get to the other hospital at fuck o’clock at night and God Damn Staved because, like I said, bitches gave me No Fucking Food for an entire day (I’m not kidding that hospital is horrible and has a horrible reputation for ending up with killing people or making situations worse but the next nearest hospitals are an hour away in different directions and I don’t often have anyone willing to drive me that far and I often don’t feel up to driving myself that far if I’m already at “need to go to the ER, fuck the money I don’t have” point, and Saer has only just gotten into the USA and the last time they came with me to the ER they ended up with a virus for like three weeks and I wasn’t gonna do that to them again!!) and finally when I got to that hospital they were like “yeah we won’t be able to do the probe until Monday so eat something and then tomorrow you’re on a liquid diet and then nothing by mouth after midnight” so they scrounged me up some chicken broth and orange juice at like ten o’clock at night and gave me Those Good Good Meds and I slept in a decent hospital bed instead of on a fucking ER bed like Friday night (since they were transferring me at the local hospital they didn’t admit me and I slept in the ER. yeah. i hurt too badly to sleep on my side even with pain meds, and I slept on an ER bed. I had to sleep all day Saturday on and off just to get vaguely rested, but honestly? this whole ordeal has been an adventure in sleep deprivation despite heavy sedatives)

Monday rolls around and they take me for the ERCP (iirc thats what it was) where they put a thing down my throat and cut the bile duct wider so the stone could pass, get that bitch cleared up, all is well. I was heavily sedated and remember none of it, just waking up with different pain in my stomach and the world’s worst sore throat.

I was on a liquid diet from that and until the extraction on Wednesday. I have drank my weight in broth and orange juice.

Wednesday they take me in to remove my gallbladder. It was supposed to be a simple laparoscopic procedure, nip it out, pull it, I go home in a couple days with a couple small cuts on my belly. My dad (and several other people) reassured me that it was routine and quick, and is an easy procedure that should take 2 hours at most. I told him, “Listen, with me, literally nothing is ever easy and you know that”

Fast forward to me waking up and my first thought is “is that a catheter? guess it didnt go so easy after all.” I’m pretty sure the first words I said as I woke up were “told you it wouldnt be easy” lmao

Remember how hospital #1 told me that my gallbladder wasn’t inflamed and there were only a couple gallstones?

It was chock goddamn full of gallstones and so inflamed that when they tried to get it out laparoscopically, it tore. He spent an hour trying to get it out that way safely before realizing that his only recourse is to cut me open and get it out that way. The procedure took closer to 5 hours.

I have at least 20 staples in my belly now and I hope I get a cool fuckin scar but shit hurts still. I was in the hospital slowly ramping up to eating solid food again until Friday when I was allowed to go home to Saer. I can’t lift anything more than 20 pounds for another like month, and my range of motion is a fraction of what it was before. I’m so easily exhausted now and i can barely do anything and it’s really fucking pathetic??? and every time I bring that up Saer is like “they TOOK your ORGAN” so

(its really sad that i’m so conditioned that If I’m Not Doing Everything I Can All The Time Then I’m Not Trying Hard Enough that even after having full surgery to remove an organ I’m like NO I CAN DO THE THING and then end up hurting myself s-sobs)

(we watched the episode of b99 today where gina comes back after getting hit by a bus and when she tried to dance while still in the halo saer pointed at her and was like “it u” and i was like “exCUSE” but like, tru)

anyhow, im home, and i have my wife with me, and saer is such a blessing right now because i cannot do SHIT and they need to help me off the couch sometimes if my dumb ass gets in a position with no leverage, and also ive already fallen off the couch like twice because i was like NO I GOT IT and saer was across the room like BEB NO U DONT and yeah im stubborn and stupid ok saer is saving me from myself for the most part

also also the app i drive for is shutting down in my city at the start of december hhhhh so now i also have to fuckin... find a job like this and uGH do not WANT ffff

but yeah thats something even my parents have okayed me holding off on until I’m better so if even my fuckin parents are like “pls chill???” yall know im fucked up

however i’m mostly weaned off opiod pain meds now and am only using them at night when it’s worse and hard to sleep, tylenol tends to take care of it well enough now. my range of motion is improving, too, but i am just still so easily tired that its frustrating. we went grocery shopping yesterday and even in the little motor scooter i was completely worn out by the end of it.

but im alive! all is well! i will continue improving! sorry for being so quiet during this but like I said, i’ve been some level of sedated for most of this event. not fully sedated except for the two procedures, but fentanyl and dilautin (ok i have no idea what it actually is and google isnt helping but i had a button for it) and then morphine and hydrocodone on top of not getting restful sleep At All due to pain, discomfort, and people coming in every hour for vitals checks... I was fuckin Gone i got fuckall done rip

however once my pain-induced blood pressure spike was lowered (i saw them take it at the ER and it was fuckin RED) everyone was like “...you have really good blood pressure??” like i’m pretty sure i have low blood pressure naturally and my size/genetics gives me high blood pressure and they kinda cancel each other out, but yeah. pretty cool.

my family kept swinging between “IF YOURE IN THAT MUCH PAIN FOR 24 HOURS YOU GO TO THE ER. YOU DO NOT WAIT THREE DAYS.” and “...jesus christ you have a high pain tolerance”

//throws the horns thats what chronic pain does to ya baybee

my mom especially was impressed because she was just like “you’re so calm talking to them about how much it hurts how are you doing that” and im just like “its literally wasted energy to freak out and i hurt too badly to move so im just gonna sit here and tell them im a ten and hope they take pity on me because i have no other options”

anyhow fun new experience and im pretty sure ive broken my brother’s hospitalization record and also pretty sure i’ve got enough medical debt on me now that i can literally file for bankruptcy so

also i can feel a void near my ribs and it is so bizarre yall fuckin organs need to close the gap asap bc this shit weird as hell

[fallintosanity]

i made myself cry i’m sorry

y’all wanted angst right?

part 1

part 2

part 3

part 4

part 5

“Well, let’s eat then,” Gladio said. He nudged Ignis toward one of the chairs, while Prompto rounded the table to take the seat opposite Noctis. They dug in, the strained silence soon broken by delighted exclamations about the food. Prompto was right; it was delicious. More than that, it tasted like home, a familiarity Noctis had thought he’d never have again after Insomnia fell.

They cleared the entire spread, despite how much food it was. Noctis watched his friends with a mix of amusement and sorrow - as Prompto had said, they hadn't had food like this in a long time. Even Ignis’s cooking in the Hammerhead caravan hadn't been close; even he could only do so much with the limited, sickly ingredients that were all he had after a decade without sunlight. Soft bread, fresh fruit and vegetables, rich meats… they'd had none of it for years.

When the plates were empty, Gladio leaned back and stretched, his spine cracking. “Time to sleep, after a meal like that.”

Prompto yawned. “Sounds good to me.”

Ignis turned his head toward Noctis, a question in the tilt of his eyebrows. Noctis glanced at the clock and sighed. “It's almost ten. My dad probably won't have anything for us tonight.”

“First thing in the morning, then,” Ignis said.

“He’d better,” Gladio said grimly. “We can’t stay locked up here forever.”

“Yeah.” Noctis stood up, then hesitated. “You guys are… you're fine in those rooms?”

“Hell yeah,” Prompto said. “They have real mattresses on the beds! And pillows!”

Noctis couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm, even though it made his heart ache. He’d caught a glimpse of the tiny nook that had been Prompto’s bedroom for much of the last decade, little more than a tattered blanket on a ragged, sagging cot shoved behind a rusty old truck shell in a corner of the Hammerhead garage. Gladio had commented, in the caravan, that he hadn't slept indoors for longer than he could remember. And Ignis had been sharing a tiny apartment in Lestallum with four other men, refugees from Accordo with nowhere else to go. Noctis couldn't blame any of them for wanting to take advantage of the luxurious beds and private rooms, even if Noctis himself couldn't stand the thought of being alone again. So he made himself say goodnight as though nothing was wrong, and retreated to his own room as his friends disappeared into their separate bedrooms.

Dropping his bathrobe on the floor, Noctis turned off the light and climbed into the bed. The sheets smelled like the Citadel's industrial cleaner and, very faintly, of dust, but the bed was soft and the blankets feather-light and cozy. The last time he’d had comfort like this had been in his own apartment, the one he’d packed up the day before leaving Insomnia. Even the expensive suite in the hotel in Altissia hadn't been this nice. He should have fallen asleep immediately.

But every time he closed his eyes, he saw the broken throne of Lucis, looming silent in the darkness of a ruined world. Awaiting him. Awaiting his death.

Noctis shoved the blankets off and rolled to his feet, gritting his teeth against a scream of frustration. Sleep wasn’t going to happen, no matter how much he knew he needed it. His remaining lifespan could be measured in hours; he didn’t want to waste any of it sleeping.

His bare feet were all but silent on the plush carpet as he crossed to the enormous window which dominated one wall of the room. Thick blackout curtains covered it; he pushed them aside to reveal the brilliant white lights of Insomnia at night. The Citadel’s spotlights gleamed off nearby buildings, billboards flashed and glittered on rooftops, and far below, cars’ headlights traced bright lines along the streets. Artificial light, all of it, but still brighter than anything he’d seen since he escaped the Crystal.

Not as bright as sunlight, though, he thought. As a child, he’d loved the view out the windows of the Citadel, the city rosy with dawn’s light or golden at sunset. The silver-white artificial lights had their own beauty, true, but daylight was where Insomnia really shone. His friends were counting on him to bring back that daylight, to let his city - his country, his world - bask once again in the warmth of the sun.

All it would take was Noctis’s death.

He shuddered and turned away from the window. One death. That was all. A small sacrifice, really: the life of one spoiled, weak, useless prince in exchange for the lives of everyone and everything else in the world. It wasn’t even a choice. There was no other answer. This was quite literally what he’d been born for. He could do it. He would do it.

It just… hurt.

A soft knock at the door startled him out of his thoughts; before he could say anything the door opened and Ignis stepped inside. “Noct? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Noctis said, too quickly. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“So I gathered,” Ignis said dryly. “I heard you moving about.”

“Sorry.” Noct sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Didn’t mean to keep you up. Go back to sleep, I’ll be quieter.”

Ignis just stood there a moment, his head tilted slightly. Then he closed the door and crossed the dark room unerringly to Noctis’s side. Taking Noct by the arm, he led him back to the bed, his steps as sure as though he could see perfectly well. But then, navigating a suite of elegant rooms was nothing compared to fighting daemons blind, and Noctis couldn’t help but admire how skilled Ignis had grown. Not that he hadn’t already been incredibly competent, but this was a whole new level.

Ignis pushed Noctis gently to sit on the edge of the bed, then sat beside him, shoulders touching. His skin was warm through the thin silk of their pajamas, his presence so familiar and comforting that Noct’s chest ached with it. They sat in silence for a minute or two, just leaning on each other, and Noctis closed his eyes, drinking in the feel of companionship. His time in the Crystal hadn’t felt like ten years, but it had still been far too long alone.

Finally Ignis said softly, “What is it?”

Noct shook his head. “Nothing. Really. Just… thinking.”

Silence for a moment, then Ignis said, “About your…” His breath hitched. “About your destiny.”

“Yeah,” Noctis whispered. They both knew Ignis had almost said death. “I was… I was okay with it. I made my peace, like I said, no matter how much it hurt to see you guys again.” He swallowed hard, hunching in on himself. He shouldn’t be saying this, but he couldn’t keep it inside anymore. “I could handle it because I knew it would be over soon.”

Ignis made a low, pained noise, and wrapped an arm around Noctis’s shoulders, pulling him against his side. Noctis leaned in close, wanting nothing more than to bury his face against Ignis’s chest, to cling to him like he was a child having a nightmare. He hadn’t meant to say more, but the words came spilling out of him anyway: “But now we’re here, and I—I don’t know—I see you and I—” His voice cracked. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I mean… I will, I know I have to and I will, I’ll do it, I just…”

Ignis was shaking against him, his fingers digging into Noct’s shoulder with painful intensity. Noctis shuddered, and before he could stop himself he blurted, “Ignis, I... I don’t want to die.”

It was blasphemy to defy the Draconian’s will - but more than that it was a betrayal. Of everyone who’d died to get him this far, of everyone who’d held on for a decade in the hope that Noctis would return, but mostly a betrayal of his friends, who’d sacrificed everything for him. But now that he’d said it he couldn’t stop, and he whispered again, “I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die.”

A raw cry tore out of Ignis’s throat; he hugged Noctis tight and Noct gave in to the urge to curl into his chest and sob. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. Unable to stop, unable to do anything except cling to Ignis and whisper those traiterous words over and over.

He didn’t hear the bedroom door open but suddenly another pair of arms wrapped around him from behind, thin and whipcord-strong: Prompto, burying his face against the back of Noct’s neck, his cheeks wet with tears. The bed rocked as Gladio climbed around behind them, then simply gathered all three of them in his arms. He, too, was shaking, tears dripping into Noctis’s hair. It was nothing like the silent, stoic mourning they’d done on the hill above Insomnia at their last camp, each of them trying to be strong for the others. This was a raw grief that felt far too big for any of them to hold, even as they clung to each other.

But there in the dark, surrounded by his friends - his brothers - grieving for the years they’d already lost and everything they were about to lose... for the first time since he’d left them behind in Zegnautus to go to the Crystal and his destiny, Noctis didn’t feel alone.  

[hoodlessmads]

Bloom Into You Chapter 40 Immediate Thoughts

It was exactly what was promised and exactly what I needed. What WE ALL needed. The only remote complaint I have is that Nakatani-sensei didn’t show the kiss at the end.

But alas, left to the imagination, it was still cute. I suppose. *deadpan look at camera*

Not only was it exactly as promised (or rather, as suggested by the last few pages of chapter 39), but it was exactly what I expected, in the best possible way. This somehow calls to mind that amazing Mr. Plinkett review of The Last Jedi. Can you imagine if Rian Johnson wrote chapter 40 of Bloom Into You? Subverting all of our expectations? (No shade, I jest, I like TLJ.)

Anyway, Nakatani-sensei is as in touch with her own characters as I feel I am in touch with them, thank the gods (or in this case the lesbian goddesses). Yuu and Touko bust ass to get to the student council room, both desperate to see each other. Yuu acknowledges to herself that she is still in love with Touko. Kokoro no ichi ga wakatta yo, as the song goes. But when she gets to that empty room, the adrenaline of the message and the run slips away and she’s left in darkness and solitude, and all of her doubts and apprehension come rushing back immediately. What does Nanami-senpai even want to talk about, anyway? Does Yuu dare to hope? What if what she has to say just breaks her heart all over again? Yuu finds herself waiting and thinking there’s no way Nanami-senpai would run as fast to get here as she did.

Except she totally does, of course. Touko arrives out of breath, sees Yuu’s mistrustful reaction and cuts straight to the chase with a returned love confession. Yuu’s reaction to Touko openly returning her feelings is just confusion at first. Maybe she’s desensitized to Touko saying, “I love you,” even now. Touko just goes on to calmly explain exactly what she means. And Yuu calmly listens. Asks clarifying questions. Works through her own hesitations, her lingering mistrust of the concept of “love.”

The implacable way that Yuu processes her own emotions is always one of the most interesting things to watch. Which is why when she finally, finally cries, it’s so god damn moving. Never in this entire series have we seen this girl cry. Ever. After all the shit she’s been through with Touko, where she’s had plenty of reason to cry, she never did. She locked it away inside. When she gets her heart broken by Touko, Yuu doesn’t cry because she can’t process the pain of it. She describes it as though her heart has gone off somewhere without her. It’s only at the end of the last chapter that she finally allows herself to feel. She’s always struck me as someone who’s quite similar to myself in this way; she refuses to let herself be vulnerable, she heavily dissociates herself from painful emotions and traumatic experiences, and on the flip side she hasn’t been able to find much passion in anything either. She strikes me as the type of person who has rarely cried, maybe in her whole life. So when she cries here, just like fucking lets go and sobs for the first time, finally, I’m dead.

And on the flip side, there’s Touko, who has managed to finally find some peace in her life after the play—but that’s not the instant end of her problems, and that is so important. She’s been living with this unbearably heavy burden for seven years. She’s been living with this pain for so long. It’s not just magically gone. When she holds Yuu’s hands and tells her that she wants to be loved, Yuu even notices this. Her hands are shaking because she’s still scared, in spite of everything. She’s terrified and yet she still pushes forward, because she knows that this is a good thing, and that this is what she wants in her heart. And that’s what I like about her. And when Yuu has her own do-over confession and starts crying, Touko wholeheartedly accepts her and her feelings, she’s there to hold her, not just because she knows how hard it’s been on Yuu bottling it in, but because she’s learning to embrace her own happiness at hearing those words. For herself. These characters are just such good people. So pure.

And don’t even get me started on how fucking cute the scene afterward is! Murder me!

This whole chapter is just one giant long…talk? Like? Characters? Talking to one another? Amazing.

Yuu HUGS her and CRIES and says, “Suki desu. Suki. Daisuki.” “I love you, I love you, I love you so much.” She said it THREE times!!! Not counting the first time!!! DAISUKI, dude!!! I’m dying!!!

Touko KISSES her TEARS. We got a “Geez” up in here!!! We got a “Senpai” and fucking FOREHEAD TOUCH up in here. We got a height difference Yuu-initiated OFF PANEL KISS UP IN HERE. I’m LITERAL MUSH.

What’s going to happen next?! Is the rest of the student council going to leap out of the bushes, yell “SURPRISE! CONGRATULATIONS!” and embarrass everyone? Are the two of them going to take things back to someone’s room and finally satisfy the UST? CUDDLING???

No, in all seriousness, I’m expecting some kind of brief timeskip to at least the next day after they’ve said goodbye for the night and then neither of them can even sleep because they’re so excited and cute, and then…I’m really not sure. Chapter 40 was purportedly the first chapter of Volume 8, which will be the last volume. Last volumes typically have bloated lengths to wrap up series, but not necessarily. So we could have anywhere from four to six chapters left before the end. What’s next for these lovely characters as we hurtle towards the resolution?

My heart really wants this series to remain as grounded as it has always been. Now that Yuu and Touko appear to have resolved their personal issues within their relationship, there is still…you know…the whole gay thing. Two girls in a romantic relationship in a Japanese high school setting is no small matter to gloss over, unfortunately. I want to see them slowly decide how they want to open up to others around them about it, or if they just decide to be up front from the get-go. I want to see Akari and Koyomi and Natsuki find out and see how they react, how inevitably supportive they will be, how fucking cute their friendship with Yuu is, how happy they will be for her. I want to see how Touko’s and Yuu’s families will react, the good reactions and the bad ones. I want to watch Rei physically turn into a pile of mush, just like I did, when she finds out that her hunch was correct and her baby sister has a girlfriend. I want to see the entire school somehow find out via word-of-mouth but ironically no one cares because everyone already thought Touko and Sayaka were lesbians anyway and the only unforeseen factor was Yuu. (And as reactions to the play proved, most people in their school are surprisingly accepting and non-judgmental and it’s precious.) None of this has to be that extensive or dramatic or take up that much time—just a bit of attention would be a nice touch and be incredibly satisfying.

I could watch Yuu and Touko being cute as fuck in a relationship literally all damn week. I’m so excited to watch Yuu finally be able to communicate what she wants from the relationship, to be allowed to show affection, to be as lovey-dovey as she wants. I’m excited to see Touko adjust to that and continue with her process of learning to accept that affection.

I could watch them learn and grow and encounter obstacles together for days, but we have limited time here unfortunately (this ain’t no 30 volume Kimi ni Todoke) and that means we have to trim the fat and focus on the real important stuff that needs to get resolved: HER NAME IS SAYAKA AND SHE DESERVES A GIRLFRIEND.

Sayaka is the UNSUNG HERO of this story. Would chapter 40 have EVEN happened if Sayaka hadn’t had the balls to confess to Touko the way she did and help Touko reach her own emotional catharsis? Sayaka is a selfless and kind soul who is OUT THERE doing the MOST for others. She is precious and her heart has been broken too many god damn times and she deserves better. She just does. This girl deserves a break and in the time the manga has left, my sincerest wish is that she gets one. I want to see her get a happy ending and a girlfriend who is head over heels for her and vice versa. More even than any Yuu/Touko stuff.

That’s my rant. I mostly wrote it the night of the chapter coming out at like 3 am so my feelings were a lot. I don’t even know. I feel like there’s so much more to be said, so much more you could analyze. Like the incredible, INCREDIBLE panel where Touko grabs Yuu’s hand and you can see their silhouettes in the glass, mirroring the exact position they were in last spring in the student council room when it all began. Can you even wait to see that shit adapted for the anime? The kinds of beautiful shit they can do with this scene? And the fucking godly Michiru Oshima soundtrack? I sure can’t. Nakatani’s art, her composition, her use of parallelism…it’s simply gorgeous on every level. But anyway, right now, I’m just gonna post this so I can get it off my chest.

My heart has been fulfilled and I can now survive until May 27th. But I also can’t wait still. :P

[krystalreverb]

Give an Inch, Take Infinity (Preview #5)

When they got back to the castle, they found Soleil at the gates, still in her pajamas, her bags packed around her and the vague smell of burning paint in the air, her head down and hands holding herself tightly. Laslow leapt off the horse and ran for her. He could tell she was in some sort of distress.

“Soleil! Darling, I thought you lived with your brother. Has something happened?”

Soleil looked up at Laslow, and he immediately saw that her eyes were filled with tears. “Oh, Daddy!” Soleil cried, launching herself into Laslow's arms. “Shigure's so shut up in his own head, I haven't been able to talk to him in weeks. He's hurting so much and I can't help him anymore! He still hasn't accepted that Mom is dead. Sometimes I have trouble accepting it too... but Shigure's crazy. He's gone totally mental-- before I left he was in the back alley of our building burning all his paintings! I knew I couldn't stay there anymore so I was hoping....”

“Oh, Soleil.... My princess, my darling. He must have snapped-- he and I... we argued in town just a few hours ago. I'm so sorry.”

“I'm sure it's not your fault, Daddy!” Soleil insisted. “Shigure is just.... it's not your fault. I don't think it's anyone's fault, he's just....so nuts!”

Laslow sighed deeply. Xander realized he was intruding, and went to go put the horse away to give Laslow and his daughter some space. Laslow realized this and lowered his voice.

“He was burning them all?” Laslow asked quietly, in disbelief. He had never known his son to be one for randomly starting fires. He never had any inclination that Shigure would commit arson for any reason. Yet here Soleil was, smelling of soot and ashes and claiming her brother as the culprit. Laslow remembered the smell of smoke he and his Lord detected earlier. “Oh, Shigure...”

“Yeah.... it's a real... well... Momferno.” Soleil joked weakly, and Laslow snorted.

“Silly girl... Soleil, I'm so sorry your brother and I don't get along. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to him. I wish I could see eye to eye with him. I really do. I'll go talk to Lord Xander. I'm positive he'll let you stay with me. I have an extra cot you can sleep in, we'll give you a job, maybe hire your men as extra guards around the castle, it'll be fine.”

“Thank you, Daddy. I'm sorry to drop in unannounced, but Shigure's just so difficult to live with lately. He's picky, controlling, anti-social.... he used to be so gentle and sensitive, but these days he just gets into these nasty moods and won't talk to me, won't come out for dinner, anything. And if I try to bother him, he snaps at me and sometimes even throws things. The birds don't nest outside his window anymore..... And you know me, I can't cook worth crap, so if I want to eat, I kinda have to beg Shigure to cook. I'm really tired of literally begging my older brother to be able to eat and I can't afford to keep eating out. It's like living with an abusive boyfriend, and I'm really not into that. On multiple levels. And I think he's behind on the rent, too. Our landlady is starting to get pissed. He lost his job at the shop he was working at because he was daydreaming on the job and he was rude to customers. I'm the one bringing home all the money, and I gotta tell ya, mercenary work doesn't pay well when there isn't a war to fight. I shoulda picked up a trade or something. At least you have a permanent position at right hand to the King. I'm just a mercenary. I mean, sure, I lead a band of mercenaries, but again, we have no work. My men are all looking up to me to provide work for them and I just can't, not when there isn't any. You're the King's retainer, you have a job that keeps you busy. I sit around in taverns all day waiting for job postings. I drink more than I work, Daddy. And it's starting to not be healthy. The allowance you give me only goes so far when I live basically all by myself. And I know you give one to Shigure too, but he spends all his money on art supplies. I think he goes through a tube of baby blue paint every day now. Art is an expensive hobby, and he's not bringing in any money to pay for it.”

“Mmmm, yeahhhh....” Laslow drawled slowly, “I have room and board included, too. Make no mistake, princess, I have a very cushy job, and it's one I quite like. Just the son of a traveling dancer who managed to rub elbows with foreign royalty.”

“You know, I bet being a royal retainer pays nice.” Soleil smirked.

“Shush, you little brat. I'll give you and your brother a bigger allowance, right now I'd like to get your things unpacked so you're not living out of a suitcase--” Laslow replied. “....Milord?”

“I can hear you, Laslow. Yes, she can stay. I'll figure out how to put her to work somehow.” Xander called over, brushing out the horse's mane. He put the brush down and trotted back up. “I'm sorry to eavesdrop.”

“No, you have every right.” Laslow said. “I'm just sorry that my family matters keep getting in the way.”

Xander smiled and shook his head softly. “Don't. It's alright, Laslow. You're my friend, and through marriage, my family. I care about you, and I care about my niece and I care about my nephew. Perhaps I can get through to Shigure. Where flesh and blood have failed, perhaps his King will be enough.” Xander offered.

“Perhaps. Though I'm not sure he'll be willing to open up to you. He'll be polite and even cordial to you but I highly doubt he'll say anything worthwhile. Shigure is very smart, he's a clever, calculating, and intelligent boy. I like to think he gets it from me.” Laslow said. He was holding his daughter close. “Talk to him if you can, but if he won't say much, just.... be gentle. He's in a lot of pain.”

“I understand, Laslow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll make a trip into town, I'll have Peri accompany me so I am less suspicious to him, and I will seek him out.” Xander promised.

“I have our address.” Soleil supplied helpfully. “If you need it. But... I'm pretty sure you'll be able to follow the trail of broken and burnt canvases right to our back door.” She said.

“Soleil, I am sorry that it's come to this.” Xander said, looking remorseful. “I hope, in time, you and your father will be able to repair your relationship with Shigure. I'll do everything in my power to help as much as I can. You are, after all, my niece. I do not abandon my family, Soleil..... Hmm... in this light you look so much like your mother.... but I suppose you get that often.” Xander said, taking Soleil into his arms. Soleil hugged him around the middle.

“Oh.... Uncle Xander.... I just want Shigure to be happy but it's just so hard....!” Soleil broke down crying. “I tried to stay optimistic! I kept thinking 'maybe tomorrow will be better'. But that tomorrow never came and it just got harder and harder to keep a smile on...!” she sobbed pitifully into his arms. “And Shigure's wasting away, too. He hardly eats, he just spends all his time in his room painting and singing to himself. That same song that Mom used to sing... the one that saved us all. If I gotta hear 'you are the ocean's gray waves' one more time I'm gonna crack like an egg. I'm serious. I mean, I appreciate the fact that the song saved all our lives and Mom had to die in order to protect us and all that, but it's his only song, Uncle Xander. He's a record player with a crooked needle. And can I say something? I lost my mother too. It's not just him. I'm hurting too, and it's like he doesn't care. I feel the exact same way that he does, except he's turned to starving himself and painting pictures of Mom all night while I at least try to make it through my day. It's like he's not even trying anymore. Like he's lost the will to live, and I'm tired of it!” Soleil ranted. It was rare to see Soleil so angry, even rarer to hear her say anything negative about her family. But she was tired. “I'm just so tired....” she finished weakly, curling in on herself.

Xander nodded. “Then I will perhaps, take him to lunch. Force him to eat in a more public forum, where I can make sure he is at least eating on my watch. I will talk to him. I'll insist it's simply an outing for a man and his nephew. I'll ask to see his sketches-- no? No, I'm getting disapproving looks on that one-- alright, scrap the sketches. I'm just brainstorming.” That last line got Soleil snorting softly. Her laughter sounded just like Laslow's, or perhaps, what Laslow would sound like if he were female, deep and rich and with an almost noble bearing. Xander smiled. “There's that smile.” He commented blithely, pinching her cheek between his forefinger and his thumb sweetly, and Soleil giggled and whined and jiggled out of his grip.

“Uncle! Stop it!” She snorted. “I'm not a little kid anymore!”

“You must understand, Soleil. To us, you are still so young. It seems like only yesterday Azura let me hold you for the first time.” Xander said. “She said, 'I'm sure she'll like you' and 'go on, just hold them'. She handed both you and your brother to me and had me hold you two in my lap. And you immediately reached up and grabbed my crown and tried to pull it off of my head. And then you punched Shigure in the nose, and he started to cry.”

Xander stepped back. “I am sorry, Soleil.... I got carried away.”

“No.... that's okay.” Soleil said softly. “I don't remember that. I.... don't remember much about growing up. I think the Deeprealms did that too.” She said. “I don't remember much before I turned... fifteenish? I guess the Deeprealms kind of... mess with your ability to tell time, and it makes you forget things. I remember important stuff, like the time Daddy came to visit on my birthday, and he brought me a present even though he had no way to know it was my birthday. But.... it's nice to know that you remember.” She said. “I know you miss my mom too.... just like we all do.”