#ultimately preventing them from developing and isolating them from anyone who could become their peer’

[labyrynth]

genshin fans really will be like “i can excuse child combatants but i draw the line at young-looking adults”

[avelera]

“Lights Out” Nicky/Joe Timeline

I did this a bit earlier in the fic writing process, but if anyone is curious about the Lights Out “official timeline” of how Nicky and Joe spent their first hundred years as immortals, you can find it below the cut.

- June, 1099 - Nicky and Joe first see each other from the walls of Jerusalem and both are intrigued and drawn to the person they see, hoping they’ll get a chance to encounter the other in battle. 

- July, 1099 - Nicky and Joe meet in battle, remaining outside the walls once the Crusaders break through, fighting each other until nightfall. Eventually, after killing each other 3 times, they realize they can’t get the other to stay dead and that the Crusaders have taken and burned the city of Jerusalem. Nicky urges Joe to run but prevents him from entering the city, as his mercy towards Joe does not extend towards allowing an enemy combatant back into the fray. Joe departs and heads for Ascalon to bring word of the fall of Jerusalem to the Fatimid Caliphate. 

- Late 1099-1105 - Joe and Nicky encounter one another regularly in military conflicts between the Fatimid Caliphate and the newly founded Christian Kingdoms. 

During this time, Nicky realizes that he does not die or age, and learns that his father has had a son with his second wife. He sends word back to Genova that his father’s eldest living son “Nicolo” has died in the Crusades. During this period, Nicky begins to struggle with feelings of guilt and penance over his role in the brutal sacking of Jerusalem. However, the damage is done and there’s no way to undo the conquest, so he sees it as his duty to shepherd the safety of pilgrims and to secure the Christian Kingdoms he fought to establish. 

Joe continues to fight on the losing and often disorganized Fatimid side, constantly frustrated by the loss of territory to both Christians and Seljuks, but mostly because Nicky just keeps finding him, even in unlikely places, like while Joe is spying on the Christian defenses in Jaffa while disguised as a merchant. 

That said, the two can’t forget each other and there is more than just hatred that exists between them, though they kill one another regularly whenever they meet. They have their first romantic encounter (if it can even be called that) outside Ramla while hiding from a storm that scattered both of their forces in the middle of a battle. Torn between killing each other and admitting that they both need shelter, the mood turns heated as frustrations boil over, and they kiss (and then some) for the first time while grappling in their latest fight. Startled by his own passion, Joe flees into the night back to his side. However, the pattern repeats itself over the next decades, when hatred and passion mingle and neither can get the other out of their mind. 

Their second sexual encounter is on another spying mission of Joe’s, this time in Jerusalem. His base of operations was a brothel in the city, where he hid out pretending to be a patron, figuring he’d be safe from the devout Christian knight who seemed to find him everywhere. Of course, Nicky appeared, looking for one of his fellow soldiers who was to be disciplined. 

However, Nicky surprised Joe by paying off the sex worker Joe had hired to shelter him that night, but telling Joe that it was late and as long as he left the city when the sun rose, Nicky could be merciful and allow him the comfort and safety of a bed that night. Significant looks were shared and they enjoyed their second encounter in a much more pleasant setting than their first. 

- 1105-1120 - The fighting continues. Joe and Nicky age into their 40s and 50s, gaining the military skill of experienced generals while still enjoying the fighting prowess of young men. Both see this supernatural ability as obviously a sign that it is their duty to take part in the military conflicts between their people (though the politics of the time are messy and occasionally alliances do exist between both their sides against the Turks. On these occasions they find more excuses than usual to spend their nights together even while spitting curses at each other the next day). 

When an order of monastic knights was founded known as the Knights Templar, Nicky reinvented himself for the first but not the last time to join their ranks. However, the concerns of the Christian kingdoms grew increasingly secular as time wore on, frustrating him as the politics of Jerusalem grew increasingly distant from the initial promise of the Crusades he signed up to participate in as a protector of pilgrims. 

- 1122 - Nicky and Joe speak for the first time without once drawing their swords. On the banks of a river on the day before a battle between their people, Joe realizes at age 56 that he is feeling ever more distant from the men he serves beside and that Nicky is the only peer he has who was there at Jerusalem. He and Nicky speak for an hour, getting to know each other, which marks the beginning of a tentative friendship. While their duels and mutual murder of one another do continue to take place regularly (as well as moments stolen away in each other’s beds when the occasion allows) their duels lose their initial hatred and become almost playful at times. 

- 1122-1144/1147 - The conflicts between Fatimids and Christians slow somewhat as the Seljuks rise as the more dominant regional Muslim power. Joe and Nicky begin to lose their sense of wonder at their own immortality as they age past their 50s and 60s into their 70s, feeling increasingly alienated from their fellow soldiers as the political landscape shifts and the causes they initially fought for begin to warp beyond recognition as a new generation rises. 

It becomes increasingly difficult for them to feel connected to the urgency of the fight, as the Christian kingdoms adapt to the area and begin to be absorbed politically into the conflicts of the Levant region, no longer an ideological enemy but simply another force. Their sense of isolation is exacerbated by their independent realizations that they need to “die” and reinvent themselves every decade or so to hide from suspicion of their lack of aging, which cuts them off from past companions and family members and often bars them from cities and social circles they’d grown to know and love. They become one another’s only constant. 

Joe watches the rise of Imad al-Din Zengi with consternation and a trace of envy as the Fatimids wain in effectiveness and the Seljuk warlord takes up the mantel of the champion of Islam to drive the Christians from the region. Zengi eventually succeeds in recapturing the now-Christian kingdom of Edessa, prompting the Pope in Europe to call for a Second Crusade. 

Nicky, upon hearing a Second Crusade is to be called and a the cycle of violence will inevitably begin again with a new wave of clueless Europeans charging into a delicate region they don’t understand, inevitably spreading bloodshed and terror, finally gives up on the Templars and the Christian kingdoms now known as Outremer. He came to the Holy Land to protect pilgrims, not to prop up European princes at the expense of the common people. He flees into the wilderness outside Jerusalem to become a hermit, of sorts, protecting pilgrims on the road during these dangerous times, regardless of their faith, as his ultimate act of penance for his role in the brutal sacking of Jerusalem decades before.

Joe around the same time realizes he hasn’t seen Nicky in a while, begins to worry, realizes how much has changed that he does worry. Eventually he tracks Nicky down to his hermit cave and brings him home with him. Their time together as enemies ends officially and their time as friends and lovers begins, never to end.

- 1147- 1171 - While not finding Zengi terribly inspiring, Joe does find his more scholarly son Nur ad-Din a more palatable leader and joins his side as a soldier the next time he needs to “die” and reinvent himself. Nicky, however, abstains from the fighting except as a freelance guard to protect pilgrims. While he has disavowed the politics of the Crusader states, he is not yet at the point of fully turning on them to join the other side. 

- 1171-1193 - Fighting for Nur al-Din brings Joe into contact Salah ad-Din (Saladin) who he and eventually Nicky find to be the sort of inspiring leader they’ve been looking for. Nicky and Joe partake in the Third Crusade and the “Fall of Jerusalem”, this time in Nicky’s case from the other side as he becomes a vassal of Saladin’s alongside Joe. However, the brief spark of Saladin’s leadership is the last gasp of their emotional investment of what feels like an endless conflict in the Holy Land that bears little resemblance to the war they first fought in on opposite sides. (Little do they know, this is only the Third of what will be more than Seven Crusades.) 

After Saladin’s death from illness in 1193, they lose their last connection to the region and are too heartsick to continue the fight. They travel to Genova to make Nicky’s peace with a homeland he hasn’t seen in almost a century, then pass through Al-Andalus and then decide to try to find the women in their dreams who are currently moving west, shadowing a great horde of horse-riding warriors (the Mongol Invasion). Nicky and Joe in the mid 13th century end up in Baghdad, where they eventually encounter Andy and Quynh when the Mongol army arrives there and the city falls. 

Sooo.... as you can see, there’s a lot there @_@ some of it is very sketchy and back of the envelope, I steer clear a bit from Joe’s side because the Fatimids are a bit hard to trace in this era (they keep getting conflated with the Seljuks, who were also their enemies, so I’m hesitant to say exactly when and if Joe would develop sympathy for or join the Seljuk side. It was a messy time, politically). I’m interested in doing some sort of 5+1 E-rated fic about some of their first encounters eventually. But in the meantime, this is the timeline I’ve worked out with my VERY amateur scholarship. 

[mickeylover303]

while trying to free up much needed space on the dvr

I guess I want to at least be able to tell myself I posted something, even if it’s not finished.  Playing AE can only do so much for the completionist in me, although I’m still not feeling particularly optimistic about any of this.

.

.

.

“That’s some of the most aggressive packing I’ve ever seen.”

 Readjusting the clasp of the wide band around his bicep, Itachi spares a glance to Naruto and Sasuke standing at the cabin’s table.

 Sasuke’s packing, it’s not aggressive, not by any definition of the word, but Naruto’s always had somewhat of a dramatic personality, with a noted tendency to exaggerate, sometimes if only for the sake of doing so.

 As Naruto’s grown older, though, it seems to have become more so a means he’ll use to help lighten the mood, right now in particular, in the form of teasing, a casual attempt to divert Sasuke’s attention from the knapsack Sasuke has been methodically packing and unpacking for the past few minutes.

 And it works, as that kind of attempt often does, because there are certain emotions Sasuke still tends to avoid, what Naruto likes to call part of weird biological tic Sasuke has, preventing him from expressing his feelings like normal people, since Sasuke doesn’t know how to use those things called words.

 “I’m just making sure this is everything,” Sasuke says, as he lowers his hand, placing a small canteen pouch on the table.

 He looks to Naruto walking to stand beside him, Naruto still peering at the knapsack, squinting, as he turns his head to meet Sasuke’s waiting gaze.

 “What’s wrong with making sure Itachi and Juugo have everything they need?”

 “Aside from this whole weird packing ritual thing you apparently have going on, you mean.”

 “You know I don’t have any weird packing rituals, Naruto.  And there’s nothing weird about me wanting to—”

 “Okay, says you, but don’t you think you’re going to squish everything like that, the way you keep taking stuff out and putting it back in?”  

 “REMs and NPs?  Really?”

 “Hey, the blueberry tart package I saw, I bet you that one’s going to stain everything if it spills.”

 “I already know how to pack, Naruto.  You’re the one who likes to wait until the last minute, like you did Tuesday, when you already knew we had to leave for the peace...summit.

 “Besides, I’m not going to squish anything.  I’m just...I’m just making sure.  I just want to make sure.”

 “Eh, well, if you say so.”

 With a light shrug, with the easy drop of his shoulders, Naruto doesn’t hesitate to raise his hand, lets it rest against Sasuke’s side, a careful touch that lingers with the placement of Naruto’s arm around him, yet it’s a touch Sasuke readily seems to all but sink in to, drawing from him a nearly inaudible sigh, as the tension begins to leave his body, before Naruto gives a light squeeze, slowly allowing his hand to fall away.

 He takes a few steps back, although he doesn’t wander too far, eyes slightly narrowed, still watching, as Sasuke returns his attention to the opened knapsack on the table.

 Again, Sasuke picks up the small canteen pouch he finally decides to place inside.  It takes another moment for him to close the knapsack, until he seems satisfied enough to it leave alone, but then he’s already reaching across the table once more, reaching for the next set of already rationed provisions to place in the bag he’d found for Juugo.

 That heightened extent of shared contact, between them that sheer level of physical ease, even at this point in their lives, at first glance, Itachi wouldn’t necessarily deem it inappropriate.  It’s simply along the lines of the sort of interaction he’s come to expect, hence no need to intervene and his refraining from any mention of it aloud.

 Yet even setting aside Sasuke’s age as a factor, though he won’t approve of anything beyond their more casual sense of intimacy (due to unique circumstances, a very distinctive closeness that genuinely developed as part of their friendship), he will acknowledge that there’s always been something a little more profound about their bond; even as children, already an intensity to the newfound relationship burgeoning between them, having evolved so very quickly, it made their parents exceedingly reluctant to move forward during discussions about enforcing any prolonged distance between them.

 (Iyashi himself mentioned the long term effects of any immediate attempts to separate Sasuke and Naruto could prove to be more detrimental for them both, and suggested instead to monitor their relationship, to remain wary of signs that could lead to troubling patterns of co-dependency, in which case he would have to actively intervene.)

 And although those discussions were before Itachi held as much sway in the decisions pertaining to Sasuke, even then he shared the same reluctance; of the very few people allowed near Sasuke, of the very few people who could be trusted, Naruto was the only person close to Sasuke in age, and, at least for the foreseeable future at that time, would probably remain Sasuke’s only friend.

 Despite what he knows of their relationship now, what he inadvertently discovered merely weeks ago, after having the opportunity to cool down, as disappointing as it was that neither of them had told anyone, still, the idea of separating them hadn’t occurred to him.

 He won’t say the change in their relationship came entirely unexpected, at least not the emotional aspects of it.  The more recent physical aspects, though it was a possibility once or twice he may have subconsciously thought to consider, the discovery itself came after Sasuke had essentially been grounded, following his reckless decision to sneak aboard the Lazulum; and while he still hasn’t quite come to terms with the reality of his little brother having engaged in any sort of sexual activity (much less with Naruto), however short that period of time, he also can’t deny what was probably a natural progression of their relationship.

 If it weren’t for that day Sasuke developed empathy, if it weren’t for a shared trauma that eventually compelled an eight year old Naruto to seek Sasuke all the way in Reife, even taking into account the previous attempts from their mothers to encourage a friendship between them, he isn’t sure Sasuke and Naruto would’ve had the opportunity to be as close as they’ve become.

 Which, all things considered, is actually somewhat surprising, because in so many ways do Sasuke and Naruto complement one another.

 He’ll even venture to say it goes beyond their more obvious parallels.  They’ve grown up learning how to take care of each other, and they also happen to work very well together, at times seemingly in their own world, often do seem to share a familiar sense of understanding, similar lines of thinking.

 Yesterday, when Sasuke recalled what he knew of Kabuto (a researcher regularly associated with Orochimaru, though only publically introduced during last year’s peace summit), alongside Kabuto’s proposal to increase funding for the experimental development of Magdunium alloy, Naruto immediately picked up on Sasuke’s train of thought, where Sasuke left off, was able to further the conversation initially prompted by Juugo’s mention of the metallic stone his people had been forced to mine.

 (Arguably, within both their families, it’s near impossible and more so impractical to isolate themselves from many aspects of political culture, especially on Nagi, but that commonality has also led them to become more cognisant of the purpose politics serve, how the fluctuating dynamics of power tend to ebb and flow, ultimately allowing them greater insight into how the recent political climate continues to shape the world around them.)

 However, in regards to the current state of their relationship, the attraction already between them suddenly no longer platonic, all he can do is establish clear boundaries, and trust that they’ll both continue to respect the necessity of those boundaries, which, so far, has been the case.

 Perhaps, even more so than Sasuke, he has to trust that Naruto will maintain those newly established boundaries, because he still trusts that above all else Naruto will prioritise Sasuke’s safety in this kind of situation with so many unknowns, as Naruto’s already done numerous occasions before, what he’s shown himself capable of doing now.

 Without any further mention of Sasuke’s packing ritual, with another glance this time Sasuke doesn’t return, Naruto turns to move away from the table, heading for the other side of the cabin, towards the black, electronic panel slightly protruding from the wall, where he placed his PCD to charge.

 More often than not, as with many instances between them, the nature of their apparent closeness here is simply a product of their childhood, when Sasuke would actively seek the physical reassurance Naruto wouldn’t hesitate to offer, made evident by Naruto’s concern, rather than anything Itachi’s witnessed that would be cause for concern; it’s for this reason, even in light of what he does consider from Naruto to be as a more egregious sort of indiscretion, that he still has confidence in Naruto as both a highly qualified Academy trainee and the only other person Sasuke’s always felt safe with.

 It doesn’t make the decision to split their group any less difficult, but, even given the circumstances, while not the most ideal situation, he’d still feel far more at ease separating Sasuke and Naruto from Juugo, having them stay near the ship, without having to worry about factoring into the equation a number of scenarios possibly effected by Juugo’s apparent volatility.

 After Sasuke and Naruto are situated, he and Juugo will set off for the dale, because he does want to investigate Juugo’s claims, predominantly whether or not Orochimaru had been involved in some capacity, alongside the likelihood that whoever had been involved would return.  Hopefully, going to the dale will reveal some kind of evidence that could help determine what may have happened on Barrah, if there’s even anything to be found.

 To Juugo’s credit, he has been cooperative.  Especially in this sense, he’s been more than agreeable, having easily accepted Itachi’s request, with seemingly no qualms about leaving Sasuke, despite his prior demonstrated attachment.  Nonetheless, Juugo’s actions thus far still don’t negate the fact that he remains yet another variable Itachi simply can’t account for and someone with whom he hasn’t been able to establish a more comfortable degree of trust.

 Unsurprisingly, Naruto didn’t question his decision.  As Naruto’s commanding officer, there was very little doubt in his mind Naruto would try to contest it because Naruto truly understands the gravity of their situation, and particularly because of Sasuke, who, for the most part, fortunately, hasn’t been left exposed in an environment without his usual systems of safeguards, without the constant flux of people moving around him, often times out of his sight.

 This morning, however, before they left for the ship, before Itachi even had the opportunity to announce his decision, during the lull of the shortened time for a meagre breakfast shared between them, Sasuke had approached him.

 And though Sasuke had been the first to fall asleep, unaware of last night’s conversation, the last to wake, almost immediately, he’d been able to anticipate what Itachi intended to do.

 “You’re leaving again.”

 There was nothing accusatory in the words, unlike yesterday’s uncharacteristic attempt to provoke him, simply stated, nothing more, and yet the significance conveyed with those very three words, it resonated within him, remnants of the same sentiment underlying the now unspoken question Sasuke had asked so many times before, the same answer Itachi still hadn’t been able to give.

 Admittedly, it wasn’t the first time he’d heard those words, but it still served to remind him of so many times when he hadn’t been able to stay by Sasuke’s side, on the eve of late night departures, with each gentle assurance of an elusive next time that only grew further and further out of reach, so many times what did enable him to endure, gave him the impetus to move forward against an increasingly wavering resolve—between the realities of necessity and childhood expectations, confronted with his past naiveté, the gradual loss of ideals he once sought to adhere to, now such seemingly whimsical notions of morality, so many times the very same light reflected in his little brother’s eyes, the very same ideals he himself failed to uphold, marred by his own convictions, actions he’s still unable to remit, by his own hands, too much of what he’s done.

 And yet all of it would be so easily displaced by so simple a thing, seemingly the most mundane notion, however brief at times the respite, simply the thought of returning to Nagi, the thought of being welcomed home, the sight of his little brother running toward him, in between excited cries of Nii-san, being granted the warm smile on his little brother’s face.

 Despite everything he’d never wanted to become, this person he could no longer recognise, this person he couldn’t allow himself to forgive, that Sasuke could still look to him with so much trust in his eyes, with so earnest a gaze, would readily give such unconditional affection, would so easily regard him with the kind of acceptance Itachi still selfishly strives to retain, among words carefully construed, around deliberate omissions of truth, one of the very few things he’ll allow himself to hold close, even now, as Sasuke stands in front of him, lips pursed, the way his little brother continues to peer at him, dark eyes searching, to near eerie an extent, almost knowing, beneath the reluctance he won’t voice, a sense of understanding more expected rather than any sort of resigned.

 It’s a given his little brother doesn’t want him to leave.  More to the point, he knows his little brother is worried. Despite attempts to appear otherwise, as cautious as Sasuke has to be with his emotions (how often he tries to pretend he isn’t as affected by them), as reserved as he already is naturally, poorly concealed worry he refuses to openly acknowledge has proven to be a reasonably consistent indicator of the state of Sasuke’s empathy, and why asking Sasuke if he’s worried would usually precede a good majority of his dailies.

 (Save for mitigating circumstances, instances like this that do warrant considerable discretion whenever Sasuke’s empathy or magic is involved, eventually, the need for dailies lessened over time, persisting for a period more so continued out of habit, rather than the previously established necessity, until they were no longer part of Sasuke’s daily routine.

 Iyashi had advocated for the change.  Not long after Sasuke turned thirteen, shortly before the repercussions of that first peace summit, Iyashi strongly recommended that Sasuke develop a more self-sufficient routine, against even their parents’ initial opposition, actively pushed the case that Sasuke should begin preparing to become more emotionally independent, especially given Sasuke’s most recent empathetic attack at Yuna the year prior.

 Sasuke’s overall emotional dependence on others, as subconscious as it seemed to remain for Sasuke, that had always been a particular concern for Iyashi, even when Sasuke turned fourteen, as Sasuke was gradually allowed more freedom in other areas of his life: between academics, physical training via self-defence, and so forth.

 In respect to his empathy, making fundamental changes to his daily routine, however, was somewhat of a more strenuous process.  The transition itself took a little over sixteen months, until Iyashi was satisfied with Sasuke’s progress, ultimately accumulating with the decision that Sasuke would no longer need to wear his gloves.)

 He still doesn’t feel Sasuke’s reached that stage to warrant having dailies again quite yet, as disconcerting as it is to see Sasuke’s sudden regression.  Granted, it hasn’t even been what would presumably pass for a little over two days on Barrah, normally what wouldn’t be enough time to properly gauge the state of Sasuke’s empathy, especially when Sasuke’s emotional shields have become so advanced.

 Since the incident at Yuna, Sasuke’s been doing fairly well, comfortable to the extent he no longer flinches around larger crowds of non-magic users, although he’s a little too casual whenever he does choose to share his empathy; even as a means to release pent-up magical energy, too often Sasuke does it seemingly without much thought, without truly comprehending the potentially addictive effects of his life magic—to the public at large, a much lesser known aspect of Sasuke’s empathy, but, of course, there are people who would attempt to take advantage of that, as eager and brazen as Orochimaru had been in his attempts to coerce a thirteen year old child.

[chevd-blog]

My Top 100 Favorite Albums of All Time (Part 5: 20 - 11)

20. Hand. Cannot. Erase. – Steven Wilson (2015)

For his fourth solo release, Steven Wilson took inspiration from the real-life story of Joyce Carol Vincent, a young woman who passed away in her London flat in December 2003 and remained undiscovered for more than two years, even despite having family and friends, and having left her television on at the time of her passing. The album follows the story of a fictional woman heavily based on Vincent, ending with her abrupt disappearance. With a stylistic nod to prog pioneers like Rush and Yes, as well as the powerful guest vocals of Israeli singer Ninet Tayeb, Hand. Cannot. Erase. serves as a poignant examination of the isolation and alienation of modern urban life.

Prime cuts: "Home Invasion / Regret #9", "Routine"

  19. Absolution – Muse (2003)

Bolstered by the success of the lead single "Time Is Running Out", Absolution is the album that first gained Muse major mainstream recognition as a band to watch. There aren't many hints of their later excessive, over-the-top tendencies here— though "Butterflies & Hurricanes" does contain a piano section which aptly demonstrates Muse's appreciation of classical music. Instead, this is one of Muse's more low-key and easy-to-listen efforts, demonstrating the prowess of a band that could be content with crafting hauntingly beautiful melodies ("Sing for Absolution", "Blackout", or "Ruled by Secrecy" all come to mind), or simply shredding (as on "Stockholm Syndrome"). Sometimes, less is more, and simplicity is just better.

Prime cuts: "Stockholm Syndrome", "Butterflies & Hurricanes"

  18. Core – Stone Temple Pilots (1992)

At the beginning of their musical career, Stone Temple Pilots was another in a lengthy list of bands that benefitted from the exposure afforded them by the Seattle grunge explosion in the early 1990s. They spent years dogged by accusations of sounding a bit too much like Pearl Jam, before they eventually managed to develop a more distinctive voice that distanced themselves from anyone else. That isn't to say that their early material is bad, though; on the contrary, their first album, Core, is hands down my favorite of theirs. I don't think of it as derivative, either; rather, I appreciate it for what it is. Like most of the alt-rock at the time, there is a dim, dingy feeling about it— but it's all channeled through a sunny production, reflective of their San Diego roots. There's more California here than Washington. That makes for an album which is oddly upbeat about being grungy, which I find rather appealing.

Prime cuts: "Plush", "Wicked Garden"

  17. The Downward Spiral – Nine Inch Nails (1994)

There is no album that encapsulates my high school years quite like The Downward Spiral. Which probably says something terrible about me, because— with all due respect to Trent Reznor, but let's be honest here— this is a seriously fucked up album. This album is what it sounds like to slowly be driven into the ground, day by day, until you are ground down into little more than a cold, numb machine made of rotting meat, just begging for the sweet release of death. This album is how it sounds to gradually become an automaton, going through all the motions, but truthfully no longer giving a fuck. This is nihilism incarnate. And I've been on that brink myself, more times than I can count, driven by a sense of alienation from the hostile outside world, and it never gets any easier. But at least through the rough patches, I've had The Downward Spiral to reflect my turmoil. When I first encountered this album, I immediately adopted "Heresy" as my personal anthem— a song that expressed perfectly to my repressive Bible Belt surroundings just how I felt about their precious 'Good Book'. I buried all my vulnerabilities and my pain beneath a mechanical visage, as modeled in "The Becoming", and I grew a thicker skin. I gravitated to this album, and (at least in my head) eventually embodied this album, specifically out of spite; I recognized it as everything the religious conservatives hate about our culture, and I had no greater desire at the time than to piss off a world that had rejected me. I'm happy to report growing out of that phase of my life, for the most part. I still have occasional episodes where I stare longingly into the abyss, and ponder jumping in. But the power this album has had, to take the chaotic tempest of negative emotions inside of me and give them form, is awesome. Ironically, I think this album has actually prevented me from following through on several occasions, just by allowing me to work through my angst and get all of that built-up poison out of my system in a constructive way. Now that's power.

Prime cuts: "Closer", "Hurt"

  16. Altered State – Tesseract (2013)

Following the departure of lead singer Dan Tompkins, Tesseract went through a period of searching for the right person to replace him, beginning with Elliot Coleman's short-lived turn at the microphone, but ultimately settling on Ashe O'Hara. Perhaps it was kismet that it was during O'Hara's time in Tesseract that Altered State was recorded, as the new voice also heralded a new direction. O'Hara's silken voice was obviously best suited for clean vocals; all of Tompkins' guttural screaming went right out the window. That made emulating peers like Periphery essentially impossible, which also provided the band with an opportunity to reinvent themselves, tighten their sound, and be more adventurous (such as on the track "Of Reality: Calabi-Yau", where they underscore their blend of palm-muted heavy metal with the extremely unexpected wail of a saxophone, and actually pull it off). Consisting of four multi-song suites (Of Matter, Of Mind, Of Reality, and Of Energy), the album also contains extremely dense metaphysical lyrical material to match its heightened musicality. In combination, all of these new circumstances result in Altered State being nothing short of a miraculous metamorphosis for the band— Tesseract in a literal altered state.

Prime cuts: "Of Matter: Proxy", "Of Mind: Nocturne"

  15. Mer de Noms – A Perfect Circle (2000)

Mer de Noms is a cryptic album, in the same way that Tool albums generally are. Furthermore, this is the only album of A Perfect Circle's where I really feel there's an apt comparison, if not in sound, then in attitude. Setting aside the music for a moment— can we talk about how much I geeked out over the band actually inventing their own arcane-looking alphabet to use in their liner notes? I was a nerdy teenager at the time I obtained this album, and being a lover of puzzles, naturally I decrypted it and then adopted it for my own use for encoding secret messages in my notebooks. But, I digress. What makes the music so interesting here, after listening to Tool for so long, is Maynard's voice being channeled into music with a completely different energy. Tool is logical, cerebral, and quite masculine; APC is much more of an emotional experience. That goes even for the harder-edged songs like "Judith", where Maynard's cry of "Fuck your God!" is intended less as a slight toward religion in general than as a frustrated outburst from a person who had watched his devout mother paralyzed in an accident when he was a child, and who was astounded that such a trial did not cause her to lose her faith. With nearly all of the song titles being names (hence the album's title, which translates to "sea of names" in French), much of the puzzle presented by this album comes from familiarity with the eponymous subjects; some are Biblical or legendary, while others are somehow personal connections to the band. But regardless of how much the listener may know about the myth of Orestes, the music is still a reward unto itself.

Prime cuts: "Judith", "Orestes"

  14. Ten – Pearl Jam (1991)

You know how certain songs are attached to memories or sensations so strongly, that you can't hear them without replaying those other associations in your head? Pearl Jam's Ten is like that for me. Yes, the entire album. It's an album that makes me feel the cool, crisp autumns of northern Georgia where I grew up, and see the leaves turning, and smell the hickory smoke of roadside boiled peanut vendors. It's an album that I see in dark reddish colors— maroon, sienna, burgundy. When I listen to "Black", I remember staying home from school for two weeks in 2001 due to a bad case of pneumonia, and the flannel blankets, and spending my daytime watching old episodes of SNL from the early 90s. When I listen to "Garden", I remember quiet, rainy nights in my on-campus apartment during my first year of college, just sitting in the dark after my roommates had gone to bed, drinking a cold glass of milk while watching the rain dance and glitter in the outside light with the windows narrowly slatted. When I listen to "Jeremy"— well, of course, that song makes me remember how terribly I was bullied all through middle school and ninth grade, and how reliant I was on that song to help me through one of the most miserable times of my life. (Seriously. This is another album I credit with literally keeping me alive.) I know none of this is concrete or tangible to anyone else but me, but… this is something that frustrates me about lists like this when music journalists write them. By the nature of their publication, they can't focus on the intangible impressions they get, because they're supposed to write about universally-appreciable things. In this case… I can't do that. Everyone already knows it's a goddamned brilliant album. But these impressions, and the way they make me feel— they're so strong here that they're basically half of the album's appeal to me, as far as I'm concerned. This is just an album that I've known so long, that it is deeply ingrained in me.

Prime cuts: "Jeremy", "Alive"

  13. Master of Puppets – Metallica (1986)

I was introduced to Metallica (and heavy metal itself) in ninth grade by a classmate of mine named John. On one fateful extended class field trip to Mentone, Alabama, for a trust-building workshop, John lent me his copy of Master of Puppets to listen to during leisure time. I didn't know it at the time, as I sat on my cot in that cabin in the forest and listened to my Discman, but there was absolutely no better album to initiate me to metal. It was revelatory. Up to that time, I was still finding my taste. I had never heard music so hard-edged, or drumbeats so fast, or guitarwork so intricate before. And 8-minute songs? Being a prog rock fan who now routinely listens to songs two to three times that length, it's funny to think about in retrospect, but when I was that age, my attention span wasn't used to anything longer than 5 minutes. I was used to the stuff being played on the radio at the time— stuff like Smash Mouth and Sugar Ray. It should be a testament to how much of an earthshaking experience it was for me, that I still even remember the trip to Mentone (which was otherwise pretty forgettable, honestly). When I got back to Georgia, one of the first things I did was buy my own copy. There are eight songs here, and not a single weak one among them. Lars Ulrich's drums are on point. Kirk Hammett's guitar is on point. The lyrics, and James Hetfield's vocals, are on point. To this day, I still get goosebumps listening to the opening of "Damage Inc.", or the instrumental "Orion" as it slows down into a more laidback tune, led by the incomparable bass grooves of the late Cliff Burton. And in addition to being technically impressive, it was a cathartic album, too; this was the album that first allowed me to tap into my inner adolescent rage, and to release it. "Fuck it all and fucking no regrets", as they say. Wherever you are, John… thanks.

Prime cuts: "Master of Puppets", "Battery"

  12. Superunknown – Soundgarden (1994)

It's sad for me to write this now, still only a few months out from Chris Cornell's passing. He was a hero to me when I was a teenager, and this was my first encounter with his music. First I got into Nirvana, then Pearl Jam, and then gradually I got into Soundgarden and Alice in Chains. Out of all the releases between the four of them, Superunknown is and probably always will be my personal favorite, even over Nevermind and Ten. The combination of Cornell's unearthly voice and Kim Thayil's guitar stirred something inside me that the others just couldn't quite reach. Maybe it's because, at the time, Soundgarden had been together longer than the other three bands, and they were able to reap the rewards of knowing and playing with each other for a longer time. Whatever the reason, it just felt (and still feels) to me like one of the most musically mature albums to come out of the whole grunge scene. And the sad thing is, I think a lot of people pay attention to it because of "Black Hole Sun" being such a gargantuan hit, and undersell the rest of the album. There are lesser known songs here, like the title track, or "Fresh Tendrils", or "Like Suicide", that are absolute sparkling gems. To listen to those songs, and to know now that the moment has passed, and that chemistry can never be truly replicated again with Cornell gone… it's really disheartening. But at least they left behind one hell of a masterpiece.

Prime cuts: "Black Hole Sun", "Superunknown"

  11. The Dark Side of the Moon – Pink Floyd (1973)

Did you really expect me to leave this one off my list? Pink Floyd has been showing up on my list with a fair amount of frequency, and I saved the best one for last. I mean, it's almost ridiculous how clichéd it is to talk about this album as an example of a musical tour de force. It's practically to the point where I can just say the words "great album", and this will be one of the ones that people automatically think about. And as I sit here writing, trying to come up with something to say to rationalize my choice, I realize— there's probably no other album in my life which has served more as a soundtrack to the truly awesome moments. I've painted to this album, and felt the invigorating high of inspiration. I've synched it up with The Wizard of Oz, not once, but twice. I've played it while taking a breathtaking car ride through Badlands National Park in South Dakota. I've listened to it while watching a total solar eclipse. There's no other album that fits these kinds of experiences as well. It's an album that compresses time with its mellow nature, and causes 42 minutes to disappear so rapidly you can scarcely understand where they've gone. It's an album that simultaneously makes you feel insignificant, as a tiny human in a grand cosmos billions of lightyears and aeons large, and important, as someone fortunate enough to bear witness to the splendor of the universe. In short, about as close to perfection as an album can aspire to be.

Prime cuts: "Money", "Time"

At last, we’re down to the final 10. Which ones made the cut? Find out the first half tomorrow, with Part 6, featuring #10 - #6!