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365days365movies · 3 years

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Historical July IV: Pompeii (2014) - Part II

Let’s talk volcanoes and Vesuvius for a second.

Vesuvius is a still-active stratovolcano, whose profile is one of the most stereotypical volcanoes that you’ll ever see. As a conical volcano, it’s composed of layers of igneous rock and hardened lava and ash. Positioned about 5 miles east of Naples, it’s part of a network of volcanoes in the Campania region. The reason for this is because of tectonic plates.

See, volcanoes tend to form along the boundaries of tectonic plates, where the crust is weak and molten rock can form closer to the surface. The African plate slipped under the European plate, and that eventually results in the formation of the arc that Vesuvius is a part of. Vesuvius is by are the most active of these, regularly producing lava and straight-up erupting last in 1944. But given that its prominence as a volcano is obvious, the question must be asked:

Why settle next to a FIERY DEATH MOUNTAIN?

Easy. Soil. Other than being coastal in the case of Pompeii, volcanic soil makes for VERY good farming, meaning that settlements around or near to volcanoes are historically quite common. Funnily enough, though, the cities around Vesuvius appear to have been founded not for their agricultural activities, but for their port availability. As part of a vital coastal region, the towns had quite a lot of trade coming their way. First settled by the Greeks and Etruscans, the settlements were eventually taken over by the Roman Empire, and had been so for hundreds of years before the events of 79 AD.

Speaking of those events, what actually happened? Well...Vesuvius exploded. But more specifically, things began long before, with earthquakes having shaken the earth around Vesuvius since 217 BC. By the time we get to 79 AD, Pompeii was still rebuilding from the earthquake 17 years before (which, to the film’s credit, if mentioned). Small earthquakes were pretty common, and it mostly went unheeded. And then, well...volcanoes erupt in different ways. Take Mt. St. Helens.

Located in Washington State, Mount St. Helens collapsed in 1980, triggered by an earthquake. This caused an avalanche of debris to DESTROY the area around the volcano, killing 57 people and causing over $3.5 billion in property damage. It’s one of the most famous eruptions in recent history, and was also accompanied with pyroclastic flows. Pyroclastic flows are combinations of hot volcanic gas, ash, pumice, and rock from the volcano itself, also known as tephra. It moves along the ground at over 100 mph (sometimes up to 400 mph), and is a little warm at about 1000 °C. So...not good, is what I’m saying.

Another more recent eruption is that of Puna in 2018, also after a large earthquake hit the island of Hawaii. The shield volcano urged forth volcanic gases and massive lava flows and fountains, the latter of which reached about 300 feet high. While nobody died from this eruption, plenty of people were evacuated, and the property and infrastructure damage was massive. And while the lava flows reached the sea, the fountains produced another fun feature of volcanoes: lava bombs!

Lava bombs are chunks of lava ejected during an eruption. They quickly cool in the air, turning into rock as they hurtle through the air, on their way to fuck up your day. Now, not all volcanoes produce lava bombs, but it’s not unheard of. Also, they tend to explode because of gases trapped inside of them and pressurized as they cool. Yeah, stay away from fucking volcanoes, is what I’m saying.

So, what about Vesuvius? Well, here’s where the Plinys come in. Only two eyewitness accounts of this event are known, coming from famous naturalist Pliny the Elder and his nephew, Pliny the Younger. Elder went to Pompeii to help rescue a friend as the skies began to darken from the building ash cloud. Younger lived across the Bay of Naples, 18 miles away, and could see the plume of ash rising from the mountain. For him, the skies would also grow darker. He and his mother would join the population of Misenum, and evacuate from the coastal settlement as the sea drew back from the shore. Oh, right! I almost forgot!

FUCKING TSUNAMIS

To be fair, there’s no evidence of a major tsunami that accompanied Vesuvius, but tsunamis are associated with volcanoes. The displacement of material from volcanoes can fall into the ocean, causing massive waves to propagate across the ocean’s surface. We refer to some of these massive waves as tsunamis, and they have causes outside of volcanoes. While tsunamis can accompany volcanic eruptions, there probably weren’t massive waves as a result of Vesuvius’ eruption. However, Pliny the Younger’s account does suggest some waves. Either way, he and his mother escaped. But what about Pliny the Elder?

Well, Elder was a naval commander, and was in command of the local Roman fleet. So, he took his boats to Pompeii in order to save his friend, but soon encountered cinders and pumice on their way. He made it to the island, only to find that they couldn’t leave past the showers of pumice. Shit. Pliny went to a friend’s place and, not seeing any other options, took a fucking nap. Yup.

Once he woke up, he and a bunch of others decide to strap some pillows to their heads and leave the darkened city by walking through the bordering fields. Which worked...for everyone but Pliny, who died of asphyxiation, likely from volcanic gases inhaled on the journey. And as for everyone else IN the city...well, that’s when the pyroclastic fumes came down. As they cascaded down the mountain and into Pompeii and the surrounding towns, the bodies in their path were incinerated, and those people likely died instantly.

Pompeii was buried in ash and tephra, for centuries to come. It was rediscovered over 1500 years later, and the dig commences even to this day. Over time, found within the ash were an eerie sight: casts of the dead. See, the ash was so sudden and hot that the people in its path were instantly killed and encased within it. Their bodies decomposed within the ash over time, leaving nothing but bones and the ghostly stone cavities they left behind. When these were discovered in 1864, casts of the spaces were made, giving us the famous Bodies of Pompeii today.

Pompeii is one of the greatest tragedies and archeological finds in the history of man. The people preserved were encased in living death, and we can see how many of them died. Children with syphillis, masters and slaves, sleeping people, the young and the old, and people from different classes and walks of life all have been found in the remains.

And there you have it! That’s the story of Pom...peii, shit. There’s still a second half of this movie. I almost forgot. Here’s Part One if you wanna suffer with me. Let’s get this overwith.

SPOILERS AHEAD!!! AGAIN!!!

Recap: Part II

The gladiatorial exposition takes place in the Amphitheatre of Pompeii, the oldest Roman amphitheater still standing. There, the visiting senator Corvus is “honored” in a fake reenactment of his conquering of the Celts that never happened. And of course, the gladiators end up winning against the invading forces, breaking the reality of the reenactment. Which is unprofessional, guys, that’s not how you do a reenactment, come on.

As they rally, and boy oh boy do they fucking rally, Corvus informs Cassia that he is to marry her, or he’ll make sure that the whole family is killed for besmirching the name of the Emperor. Which is NOT how that would’ve worked for a billion reasons, but whatever. Sutherland is also doing his best Jeremy Irons impression right now, and it’s...it’s not good. I fucking hate this movie, that hasn’t changed. But his dumbass is interrupted by another dumbass.

Milo breaks the flag, then THROWS THE POINTY END AT CORVUS. Yeah, dude tries to kill him right there in the stands. Cassia (and the crowd that’s chanting in their favor) manages to prevent Corvus from killing Milo right there on the spot, and he responds by taking Cassia captive. However, everything is interrupted by the increasing rumbles of the volcano. Corvus also frames this as a divine sign, and has Atticus and Milo taken away. And then...he has Milo fight his soldier Marcus Proculus (Sasha Roiz), kind of out of nowhere.

And as they fight a clearly unbalanced fight, I have to wonder...WHY THE HELL HASN’T THE FUCKING VOLCANO EXPLODED YET? Oh my GOD, I’m so fucking BORED. I don’t care about the revenge wish of this boring-ass edgelord, I JUST WANT TO SEE PEOPLE MELT. And then, as if to answer my annoyance...

YEAH BABY, LET’S ENCASE SOME INNOCENT PEOPLE IN ASHES!

OK, sorry, that was a little too much, I agree, but this movie is so BORING. Anyway, the amphitheater is destroyed, and...THE AMPHITHEATER IS DESTROYED? Dude, this is one of the only structures that actually survived! Fuck off, movie. Milo and Proculus fall beneath the amphitheater, and they...KEEP FIGHTING? THE FUCKING WORLD IS ENDING YOU ASSHOLES, GODDAMN RUN!

The increasing tremors, and fear of retribution by the other gladiators, cause Proculus to run away, and all of the slaves get out. Meanwhile, on the balcony, Corvus ad Cassia’s parents live. Fearing for their daughter, Aurelia asks Severus to kill him, but he’s SO FUCKING SLOW that he fails. Corvus stabs him, then he and Marcus leave them to die on the balcony. But not before Milo also gets up there, where Aurelia asks him to save Cassia, then finally dies. Milo goes to save her, despite Atticus rightfully telling him how crazy this is. The skies finally darken, as hell rains down from the mountain. In the palace on the hill, Ariadne tries to free her, only the entire palace to fall apart anyway.

But of course, who should arrive just in time to save her but Milo. They get her out, and get her water, but then the entire fucking palace falls into the ocean, and Ariadne dies in slow motion as she plummets into the sea. Now, it’s just Cassia and Milo together, and they need to get to the harbor in order to live.

Down in the city, Corvus is trapped by the throngs as the mountain continues to explode. He orders his men to kill the pancking throngs, which obviously didn’t happen in real life. But whatever, it’s fine at this point, right? After all, a BUNCH more people are about to die, because the volcanic eruption is now accompanied by a tsunami. And...yeah, that actually could’ve happened, but not to the city-flooding scale seen in the movie. Still, yes, tsunamis come with volcanic eruptions, so a small one could’ve swamped the shoreline for sure.

Atticus escapes this, and also saves a woman and her child, because of course he does. As he and our couple get to safety, the rocks stop falling, as everyone has died. Cassia asks if this is the end of the world, and ponders why the gods are doing this, or letting this happen. But hey...we ain’t done yet.

As ash rains down on them, the couple reunites with Atticus, and they move together to go to the amphitheatre and get horses. It’s there that they get ambushed by Corvus and his men, including Marcus. Corvus takes Cassia, because the end of the world doesn’t stop the horny. Taking Cassia as his property, he takes off before Mio can stop him. In the CRUMLBING AMPHITHEATRE, Milo and Atticus fight his men and Marcus Proculus, with Atticus staying behind to take Marcus, and Milo chasing after Corvus on a horse while LAVA RAINS FROM THE SKY. PRIORITIES

By the way, small thing, but lava bombs probably weren’t a part of this explosion. What’s to come is going to be far...FAR worse. Anyway, back at the arena, Atticus is killed by Marcus, but not before killing Marcus himself by breaking the sword inside of him, and using the broken piece to stab Marcus in the neck, GODDAMN, ATTICUS THAT WAS BADASS

The chase of Corvus continues, as Cassia manages to free herself, and forces the chariot to crash. But the stupid, STUPID fight isn’t over, as Corvus continues to fight Milo IN A CRUMBLING TEMPLE AS A VOLCANO DESTROYS THE FUCKING CITY

The amounts of stupid this movie is cannot be quantified.

A piece of the mountain destroys the temple they fight in, and ash rains down from the sky as Corvus emerges seemingly victorius. But so does Milo, as he jumps on top of Corvus, and him and Cassia chain him to a column. Milo gets to make a badass speech about his dead people, just as the pyroclastic flow begins. Time to die, boys.

See, searing hot ash is now pouring down from Vesuvius, and is about to kill everything in its wake instantly. The bodies will be buried and encased for hundreds of years, decomposing and leaving imprints in the ash. Those imprints will be cast in plaster, and form the bodies of Pompeii that are so famous today. These include Atticus, who is based on a real possibly North African man found in the city, and the Two Lovers. They would be two figures found clutching each other until covered in ash, and...well, I’ll give Anderson credit...that’s an interesting ending for this movie.

Yup. Milo and Cassia are the Two Lovers, meaning that this entire movie was an elaborate fanfiction to explain this real set of figures. But here’s the thing: they were found embracing, not kissing. And secondly (and this is the funniest part to me)...

THEY WERE MEN. YEAH.

Anderson based this goddamn stupid idiotic movie on two men who some have speculated were actually a gay couple. Holy shit. There is not a better way to end this dumbass fucking movie than that smile on my face.

...How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Cast and Acting - 4/10: I liked Adewale. That’s it. THAT’S FUCKING IT. Kit Harrington and Emily Browning are boring as hell, Jared Harris is on autopilot (and I like Jared Harris a LOT), Jessica Lucas theoretically exists, Carrie Anne-Moss has one of the worst accents I’ve ever seen in a film like this, and Kiefer Sutherland...WHAT THE FUCK, KIEFER? Trying to be evil Roman Jeremy Irons and failing CATASTROPHICALLY. These guys aren’t inherently bad actors by any means, and I’ve seen something of most of them that I like. But goddamn, Adewale, Browning, and Sutherland REALLY need better agents. Jesus.

Plot and Writing - 2/10: BAD Janet Scott Batchler! BAD Lee Batchler! BAD Michael Robert Johnson! We asked you to write an original movie, not copy everybody else’s homework! I’m sure you’re capable of so much better, like...Batman Forever, oh dear FUCK. Never mind.

Directing and Cinematography - 5/10: ...Look. Paul W.S. Anderson makes shitty, shitty films, but he’s not an incompetent director; he’s just a hacky one, without much personal style or originality. Which, wow, sounded REALLY MEAN. Sorry, lemme change how I say that. He’s not the best. But he isn’t incompetent. Nor is cinematographer Glen MacPherson, who’s not really known for his films work. But whatever; they’re mediocre, nothing wrong with that.

Production and Art Design - 5/10: Eh. It’s boring. Yeah, I know, this film features a mountain exploding, but...you’ve seen one special effects spectacle like this, and they tend to blend into each other. Other than that, this film looks like every other movie I’ve seen, but somehow without a sense of accuracy attached to it. It just looks like a stereotypical action movie of the time, and I have no emotions about it whatsoever. Yawn.

Music and Editing - 7/10: Maybe the only credit I’ll give this movie is the fact that the music...the music is pretty decent. Credit to Clinton Shorer, because his track is suitably epic for the tone of this event, and fitting for the events of this movie. Sound editing is good too, even though the pacing of the film is...is bad. Oh, it’s bad. Still, I don’t really blame editor Michelle Conroy.

42%. Fuck this movie.

Is it the least historically accurate film I’ve ever seen? I’ll be honest, it’s not. It is definitely inaccurate in a lot of ways, but it’s not the worst. Is it a good movie, then? Yeah, no, this movie is terrible, and 42% is far too high a number. Just remember: accurate doesn’t mean good, and inaccurate doesn’t mean bad. God, this movie sucks.

Now for an interesting experiment. Imma fast forward past this era of the Roman Empire, and toward the end of this century. And the next film on my list is technically fiction...but based on fact, so let’s do it. Maybe it’ll be good, huh?

Next: The 13th Warrior (1999); dir. John McTiernan

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