#vague ''they'' because idk who she was receiving orders from at this point

[lowpolyotakuconvention]

The Boss giving birth on D-Day is funny in concept but horrifying given the added context in the Peace Walker tapes.

She had just gotten caught failing to assassinate John Neumann, under the false intel that he was a nazi spy. Not only had she blown her cover on a top secret mission, her failure revealed the government's mistake. She was an embarrassment that they wanted gone, so she was sent into combat in an extremely vulnerable state. She also probably couldn't say no to the order. It's strongly implied that her brain injury rendered her incapable of refusing orders. She failed the Los Alamos infiltration in the first place due to worrying about the safety of her baby, I doubt she would've agreed to Normandy if she had the option. just holy shit

[majimemegoro]

Matagi in yakuza 5 !

I was doing some research and it looks like the hunting village saejima visits in y5 is a Matagi village. Idk how much of this would be obvious to japanese fans, but it wasn’t at all obvious to me so im just gonna share my findings here in the hopes that they may be interesting or useful to someone else who was ignorant of this cultural context. I do think identifying the hunting village as Matagi gives a new angle of understanding to some elements of the mountain segment of the game.

Disclaimers: what ive written here is just based on a few articles I read. They weren’t even detailed articles. I am by no means an expert on the Matagi, and I would love to hear any input from people who know more than i do ! Now Read On

So the Matagi are a traditional northern hunting culture (perhaps indigenous Ainu in origin) who emphasize maintaining ecological balance and holding respect for life. They use every piece of the animal out of gratitude for the animal’s sacrifice. All of this matches perfectly with what Okudera says about hunting. he doesn’t emphasize the overtly spiritual aspects of Matagi culture, but these spiritual aspects are reflected in the mountain gods that Saejima interacts with and also arguably in the presence of Yama-oroshi as a kind of supernatural manifestation of the hunters’ crimes in upsetting balance on the mountain. (side-note: if anyone can offer insight into the etymology of the name yama-oroshi  “ヤマオロシ” id be interested to hear it, as all I could find out was something about graters and something about management…)

(A digression on okudera: as I recall the game does not specify his origins: he might have originally come from a hunting village and reconnected with his culture after escaping from jail, or more likely he is just appropriating the culture of the village lol. either way though I think we are warranted in reading Okudera as the village’s appropriate representative of the traditional hunting culture, given that he is the mouthpiece for the above hunting ethos, one which perfectly matches with the Matagi in the sources I looked at. more on this later.)

Additional evidence for the villagers as being Matagi: Mrs Nishina explicitly calls the villagers’ way of life “traditional,” contrasting it to recreational hunting. now some of the Matagi common game don’t match with the game available in the game (see what I did there??). For instance there is no japanese serow, but this makes sense given that hunting the serow has been banned and it would be pretty icky and weird to have a video game incentivize the killing of a specially protected animal. But their culture features a focus on – you guessed it – bears. The Matagi also mostly wear contemporary (vs traditional) clothing, so the village’s fairly modern aesthetic by no means precludes their being Matagi. finally, reading the village as a Matagi village also fits with what the villagers say about their being permitted to hunt by special license after regular sport hunting was made illegal, since the Matagi hunt by permit. So thought I was on the right track with identifying the village as Matagi, then I saw this picture:

Recognize the outfits? Look at the crossed ropes in the front holding up a lil fur cape/vest thing. It’s a very distinctive visual feature, I would go so far as to say unmistakable. Okudera #confirmed for Matagi.

(incidentally I think okudera’s fur thing might be serow fur, the serow being an animal which it is now banned to hunt even for the Matagi)

Ok now so what about it? The village being a Matagi village accounts for a few textual features that I found confusing. For instance it explains what Saejima says about the villagers “selling out” by accepting outsiders’ commissions for prize game. I was confused by this comment bc I think of people as only “selling out” if they know they are doing something bad, while the villagers didn’t seem to know that they would tip the ecological balance on the mountain. But in light of the Matagi culture it makes sense that hunting on commission would be a violation of their standards: hunting is permissible only for subsistence purposes. ‘subsistence’ doesn’t mean you can only consume/use animals and not sell them, but it does mean that you shouldnt hunt because it’s lucrative or in order to maintain a lavish lifestyle. Hunting is only appropriate to sustain a simple lifestyle. So by cashing in on the hunting boom prior to the enactment of the new hunting regulations, the villagers violated Matagi values whether or not they knew that their actions would do tangible harm to the mountain ecosystem.

(Of course this creates a huge ludonarrative dissonance when we think about HOW MANY animals saejima kills, in my case to sell the pelts and, uh, hoard the meat forever basically. But ludonarrative dissonance doesn’t admit of literary analysis so lets move on)

Reading the hunters as Matagi also adds new tragic depth to the attack of Yama-Oroshi and its consequences. When Mrs Nishina talks about how all the villagers used to help each other out, but don’t anymore since suffering starvation after the attack, shes describing more than just a breakdown of norms - shes describing an actual cultural crisis, and the dissolution of hundreds of years of tradition. The traditional Matagi collectivism apparently began to decline after guns replaced spears, obviating the need for group hunting. But what Mrs Nishina says points out that Yama-Oroshi’s attack sounded something like the final death knell for Matagi collectivist traditions in their village. Mrs Nishina even says explicitly that “our entire way of life [was at risk of being] lost to the ages.” :O :(

I have one last vague thought, which is related to Okudera’s outsider status. Whether or not he is ethnically (?) Matagi, he clearly did not spend any or most of his life following a Matagi lifestyle. Yet he seems to be the strongest adherent of Matagi traditions. Specifically okudera exemplifies the Matagi principle of mutual aid (though interestingly we mostly see him exercise it in helping outsiders rather than the other villagers, and it also does turn out that the villagers are looking after okudera more than initially appears…). Mr nishina also says that Okudera knows the mountain and travels quickly the best out of all the villagers, and that okudera reminded them all “how a hunter should live.” And sakurai: “okudera-san is truer to the spirit of the hunt than any of us native villagers.” Overall okudera, an outsider, is the authoritative representative of the Matagi ethos, a fact which receives a powerful visual representation in his traditional hunting attire. i wonder what this could mean thematically… something about the power of cultural sharing to help isolated individuals, who then if they are truly dedicated can help to revitalize a culture in turn ? but okudera himself attributes his understanding of the way of the hunter to the tutelage of the village and the mountain…

Thats all I have to say right now. If anyone has thoughts, more informed than mine or not, id love to hear em ! I hope this treatment was respectful and interesting.

Im gonna put sources in a reblog so this isn’t hidden from search results.

[alethiometry]

Edward Kenway for character asks!

ooooooo okay i should open this with a disclaimer: i have not finished black flag yet (about 2/3 of the way through i think? i need to level up my ship so i can beat the next story mission lol) so everything i'm saying here is based on the game up to thatch's death, and everything we know about edward in ac 3: forsaken and the comics that came out a couple years ago.

First impression

oh boy... to be honest, one of the reasons it took me such a long time to get around to playing black flag (it was one of the first ps4 games i bought when i got my console in 2016, and i didn't start until about a month ago) was because i didn't really feel particularly strongly about edward's character design. i was vaguely interested in That One Pirate Assassin Game after having watched (and loved) black sails, but was afraid i would be let down; to me edward just looked like Some Dude, and i was still hung up on the black sails gang. to me, black sails and its characters were so genre/time period-defining that any other piece of pirate media just seemed lackluster in comparison.

i'd also heard a lot of praise for edward and for ac4 in general so i was aware that it was a very popular and well-received game. but since i mostly heard that from reddit (didn't join tumblr ac fandom until odyssey in 2018) i kind of discounted it, bc gamer reddit tastes are... questionable at best.

Impression now

I LOVE HIM!!! i always think i want stories about virtuous characters who believe in goodness and kindness and aren't motivated by gold or glory but aren't afraid to do what needs to be done to help others who can't help themselves. and sometimes that's true (coughratonhnhake:toncough). other times i end up clowning on myself because i realize that it's so much fun when said good/kind character has a rough and rugged exterior, and is motivated by personal gain (i think edward and kassandra are kinda kindred spirits across time and space in that regard, but maybe that's another rant for another time). sometimes you just want someone to be a little bit of an opportunistic bastard, and boy does edward fit that to a T. he's an incredibly complex man, and i think what really got me was that even as he was impersonating assassins and then templars and then assassins again, all for personal gain (pickpocketing the templars in havana while he gains their trust and agrees to do their dirty work lmfao my beloved <3), his primary motivation for doing so was to prove to caroline and her family that he is someone worth a damn, that he is capable of great things and that he is worthy of their love and acceptance. and i know from ac forsaken that the marriage with caroline doesn't last (though i haven't played ac4 far enough to see if that happens on screen, or if it occurs between the game and the novel) which makes his backstory in the game all the more heartbreaking. but his optimism and perseverance and determination to prove himself are all what make me love him.

so that's edward the romantic. now let's talk about the way edward is with adewale, his crew, and his friends. and let's also put the rest of this behind a readmore bc girl i am RANTINGGGGGG

he has several lines that he says to adewale that make me physically cringe (namely: "many of [these men] wouldn't accept you as captain" or "what was it like being enslaved?" like i get that someone like edward would be asking that question in good faith and genuine curiosity but also JESUS CHRIST UBISOFT). but on the flip side - cringey as those questions are, he also takes the time to actually listen and learn, and i think he genuinely values the perspective that he gets from adewale allowing him to open these lines of trust and communication. there's a patience and mutual respect there that i adore.

i also love how much edward loves his crew and his other pirate friends. those scenes of him + kidd + thatch + adewale + hornigold (lol) drinking on the beach and having a grand old time and talking about establishing - to borrow one of my favorite chills-down-my-spine phrases from black sails - a nation of thieves, for people like them to live and prosper, free from the chokehold of civilization. and i know he's not as outwardly invested in counterculture/independence/anticolonialism as thatch and vane and kidd are, but the fact that he so wholeheartedly supports his friends' goals, lofty and impossible as they are, speaks volumes about his love for his friends.

Favorite moment

every scene he has with kidd when kidd casually and softly reminds him that they see that he is a good person beneath his opportunistic and rambunctious exterior. i especially love when they discover julien du casse's mansion containing orders for templars to go out and hunt down assassins: the way kidd immediately knows that edward wants to help the assassins as a way to make up for the damage he did while masquerading as a templar, even if he hasn't voiced it aloud himself. the way that they don't force edward to admit anything about himself before he is ready, but still constantly remind him that he has a good heart. they give him space to come to terms with his compassionate side in a world/environment that more often than sees compassion as something to be stamped out or cast aside. i don’t love when characters are forced to be the Moral Compass for a main dude character, but i think it works for edward and kidd.

Idea for a story

not an edward story per se, but there are 2 povs into edward's life that i would cut off (someone else's) limbs for:

jenny's pov growing up in the kenway household. from haytham's pov it seems that she knows way more about his past than haytham ever did (it was hinted at that there are rumors about edward’s past as haytham was growing up that he wasn’t privy to, but i don’t think at any point in the novel does haytham ever find out definitively that his father was a pirate) and i want to know how she knew so much, and more into what her life was like - through her eyes rather than haytham, who is like 10 years younger and by his own admission barely understands her and barely has a functional relationship with her. i'll expand further on edward and jenny in the next question/prompt/bullet point, actually, bc i have a LOT more to say.

connor's pov learning about his grandfather from... idk? who's around to tell him? what's so goddamn sad is that by the time connor rebuilds the colonial brotherhood he's kinda the only one left. sure there's aveline down in louisiana, but as far as we know everyone who was around in edward's generation is dead now, and i'm not sure how much of the kenway saga is preserved for connor to discover, or if all this information about their family line was discovered in the modern-day, by your abstergo employee character, and later by osto berg in the comics. which is why i so badly want a revelations-style game where connor traces his assassin heritage back to the caribbean, relives some of edward's memories, and then makes the trip to london to see his aunt jenny. it would have been such a cool way to round out the kenway saga.

Unpopular opinion

idk how popular or unpopular this is bc i rarely see other in-depth posts about it on my dash, but edward was a terrible father to jenny. he was every bit the wonderful and loving father to haytham for the 10 years that haytham had a father, but i wish we'd seen more of jenny's perspective than just a few lines of dialogue in haytham's diary: i hate the way edward sidelined her and raised her in the same manner that any other wealthy person of the time would have raised their daughter - that is, for the sole purpose of sitting pretty and marrying her off in an arrangement that would benefit the family. it's especially hard to reconcile because in ac4 there are female assassins in the americas, and there are female pirates in the caribbean, so it's not like edward isn't aware that women have as much right as any man to live life on their own terms. it just seems like by the time he returns to england and settles down with his family, he's reverted back to the societal norms and gender roles that the pirates fought (and lost) against, and it's hard not to be deeply disappointed by that.

to be clear, i don't begrudge edward settling down and becoming a Rich Society Man. dude deserves to live comfortably with his loving family. he has every right to dote on his wife and children, and leave behind the hardships of being a pirate. but i think "fightning against deeply-ingrained cultural norms/expectations is a long and bloody struggle, and after losing so many people he cared so deeply about, i think it's understandable that edward wouldn't want to continue that fight alone (and also adewale is still fighting the good fight) (do NOT @ me about ac rogue I Pretend I Do Not See It)" and "i don't love the way edward sidelined his daughter into societally-expected gender roles she did not want; it makes me think that he did not continue drinking his Respect Women Juice as much as i thought he did/wanted him to" are two opinions that can coexist.

Favorite relationship

i don't know that i ship edward romantically with anyone, actually. i thought he and caroline were cute in the beginning, but it's hard to want to ship them knowing that she leaves him eventually. and ofc there'd edward/tessa in ac forsaken, and we know they were very happy together and that he loved her so so much. but we don't see that relationship except through haytham's eyes.

as for non-romantic relationships, i already talked at length above about his relationships with adewale and the other pirates and kidd, and i'll just leave it at that. i'm also vaguely aware that edward's got some upcoming scenes with anne bonny, but i'm not at that point in the game yet so i don't have much to say about the two of them. so far i've only seen them say a few lines to each other at the nassau tavern.

Favorite headcanon

kassandra absolutely rubbed shoulders with edward at some point during his time in the caribbean; i like to think that she needed to lie low for some reason (maybe she was with the assassins idk) and joined his crew. i just need my best stabby gal and my second-favorite stabby dude to be pals!

finally, this isn't a headcanon per se but it is obligatory that any time i talk about kenways i yell for a bit about the fact that EDWARD WOULD HAVE LOVED CONNOR SO SO SO MUCH AND I'M FOREVER DEVASTATED THAT HE NEVER GOT TO MEET HIM. at the same time, if edward hadn't been murdered and haytham not been indoctrinated into the templars the way he had, i'm not sure connor would even have existed. and in a way i'm glad that edward wasn't around to see how broken and cynical and depressed haytham became, because i think that would have absolutely broken his heart.

send me a character!

[you-did-well-moon]

The Warmth Provided (2)

Type: Fluff, Angst, Crack, college au, friends to lovers au

A/N: The second part is here!! Which means we only have one more part to this little series! Disclaimer, not all requests I receive will end up like as big as this. Lol y/n keeps on with her booboo the fool antics in this one as well. At this point, idk if Sungjin and y/n will even stay friend jk yes I do. Don’t be afraid to talk to me and enjoy!!

TW: Reader neglects herself, awkward situations, toxicity and unreal depiction of Sungjin

Part 1| Part 2| Part 3

You scrambled to bend down and look under the table seeing the whole time you had been touching and rubbing Jae’s leg which was right next to the actual pole. You quickly pressed your legs to the front legs of your chair. Shock made your chest tighten and a cold feeling settled in the pit of your stomach. You apologized to Jae through your fingers which you had slapped on to your mouth when you saw what you had done feeling your face grow unbelievably hot. 

Jae was able to squeak out an accepting “it’s ok” to your insistent apologies, clumsily standing up and saying he had to go to class which you knew was a lie because you remembered he didn’t have class until hours later. He practically ran out of the cafeteria.

You sunk down in your seat burying your head into your hands feeling your body tremor with embarrassment and shame. You felt the need to be in your apartment snuggled into your bed and away from the other people in the cafeteria who you unrealistically felt were all staring at you although no one had actually seen what happened. 

 You were so sure that even if you were able to keep your feelings from Jae, you had just unintentionally still put a little strain on your friendship with the accidental game of footsie. You were so flustered and eager to get back to your dorm, you forgot Sungjin’s hoodie in the chair which had been next to yours. 

Instead, Jae’s jacket kept you warm on the walk back to your apartment. 

/-/-/-/

You pushed your face farther into the pillow pulling at your hair. No matter what you did, the embarrassing scene that had happened earlier that day kept replaying in your head, also filling your head with insecurities you had not had to face in a long time. You really hoped Jae had gotten over it and didn’t hold anything against you. 

You weren’t even sure you could turn up to your wednesday sociology class you had with Jae when you were so embarrassed. You really felt like just staying in bed instead of having to face the consequences of your clumsiness, but no, you knew you had to face reality like the responsible adult you were.

You screamed into the pillow. Who were you kidding? You still ate Cheerios and drank Capri Suns. You were the farthest thing from an adult a person could possibly be. You sniffed feeling shame still taking route in your chest. Missing one day for that class wouldn’t hurt right? 

A loud sound blared against the shell of your ear making you jump and gasp,  making yourself sit up and fumble around for your phone which had been right next to your pillow. You jumped off your bed, the alarm on your phone being a reminder for the fact that you had agreed to meet up with Sungjin and Dowoon at the coffee shop a few blocks from campus next to a cute little antique store. 

“I’m such a mess” you muttered, dragging yourself off the bed and taking a look in the mirror. You shrugged at your reflection deciding all you really need to do was brush your hair since it had been messed up while you tossed and turned wallowing in self pity on your bed.

You looked around for your shoes not finding them where they usually were at the foot of the bed before tripping on one of them when you remembered you had thrown them at the wall in frustration. Somehow you still managed to make life harder for yourself while crying about making life hard for yourself. You did not find any amusement in the irony of the situation.

You slipped on your shoes tying up the laces trying to make sure you wouldn’t accidentally step on them. What you were wearing was good enough to go out in public. It was a simple crop top paired with some ripped jeans and hightops. Simple, but you barely had time to finish your cheerios that morning so spending any more than five minutes on your outfit was out the question. 

You brushed through your hair making sure there were no stray hairs sticking out from the top of your head or any other parts of your hair. Checking the time, and you realized you had around 15 minutes to get to the cafe, and the bus ride usually took ten minutes. You made sure you had your wallet, phone, and other essentials grabbing the closest jacket you could find (which was thrown over your desk chair), and you dashed out the door excited to see your friends and eat the yummy treats the cafe had to offer. 

You also couldn’t wait to whine about what had happened with Jae knowing Sungjin would do his best to console you, probably more scolding than anything, and Dowoon would laugh at you. You didn’t notice you had taken Jae’s jacket until you were already on the bus, and Jae’s pine vanilla scent was the only thing your nose took in  making your chest thrum with warmth. 

You accepted your fate wincing and ducking your head, tugging the jacket tighter around you not having the nerve to take it off when it was so cold in the bus. Why couldn’t you just pay attention to what you were doing for once in your life.  Now you were stuck with your crush’s jacket, the same one you had embarrassed yourself with, and the cologne was now the only thing your mind could focus on.

The scent that surrounded you made you feel a sense of peacefulness calmed by the notion of the comfort you always felt around Jae. He made you feel safe, but you wished he wouldn’t have the ability to make your emotions go into such a frenzied mess. Being in love was hard sometimes, but you guess it was worth it if it meant hearing his laugh, or seeing his smile.

You were snapped out of your love struck thoughts by the bus abruptly stopping forcing you to check which stop you were at only to rush to the doors once you realized you were at your stop, shouldering past people and muttering apologies you scrambled down the steps checking the time on your phone. You had gotten there with about two minutes to spare. Luckily, the bus stop was only two buildings down from the cafe, so you didn’t have much to walk. 

In your short walk to the quaint cafe, you took some time to appreciate the sense of home the little town gave you.

The sun was sinking peeking out from the canopy of trees in the park just a few minutes away from the street you were on. People walked up and down the sidewalk laughing amidst their individual conversations, and the bushes lining some of the stores’ windows bristled with the fresh afternoon breeze. Purples, pinks, oranges, and yellows coloured the sky as the sun was starting to give way to the moon. You couldn’t stop the serene smile making its way onto your lips at the seemingly peaceful night.

You instantly spotted your two friends at the corner of the room closest to the bookshelf covering the wall it was placed against. You bounded up to the table smiling in greeting and putting your things down next to Sungjin. 

“I’ll be right back, i have to go order” you were going to turn away but a hand around your wrist stopped you. “Don’t. I already ordered for you” You turned around confused at Sungjin. He knew your order and had memorized it a long time ago, but he hadn’t ordered anything for you in years. You opened your mouth to thank him, but your words died in your throat when you saw your best friend’s expression. His eyes were glaring a hole into a spot on the table, and his eyes were hooded with his lips pressed into a tight line. 

You felt worried. You knew that look. He only got that look when he was mad at you. It didn’t really happen often. Last time it happened was when you lied to him about being at home when in reality you were walking home from the library very late on a cold night. 

You wracked your brain for something you had done wrong but came up with nothing. You looked at Dowoon for help who was sipping on his drink with a pitying look in his eyes. He raised his eyebrows at you before gesturing next to Sungjin at the ramen hoodie placed there. 

You squeezed your eyes shut feeling your chest dull with guilt. You peeked an eye open at Sungjin agitatedly shifting in your seat. 

“How did you find it?” you questioned giving a small smile at the waitress as she came to leave your order. You poked at your food pouting because you just felt your appetite basically disappear. 

Sungjin vaguely gestured at Dowoon, still not looking at you. You looked at Dowoon who shrugged. “I saw someone I know carrying it to the office, probably to the lost and found, and I recognized it. Took some convincing to the person, but honestly do I look like a thief? Especially that ratty old thing. Like hell i’d ever wear that.” Dowoon scoffed, truly unbelieving and dodging a paper napkin Sungjin threw at him.

“That ratty old thing is what you use as a pillow half the time punk. Y/n stop playing with the food and eat it like a normal person.”

You gave a wide eyes stare at Sungjin wondering how he knew you were doing something he could scold you for. You refrained from being too surprised.  After All, at this point in your relationship he could tell how you were feeling just by a look in your eyes . You shoveled a big piece of your dessert into your mouth hoping it would save you from having to answer any questions or talking in general. 

“I very specifically told you to give me my hoodie back yet you went and took it with you, even losing it! I mean you did the first thing I told you not-” Sungjin finally turned around to face you, tone like that of a mother before abruptly cutting himself off. You turned around, your mouth still stuffed from your dessert. You saw his gaze focus on the jacket engulfing your smaller frame feeling an icy kind of shame run through your body. 

You shifted your body away as if trying to hide the jacket that quite literally hung off your body with how big it was. It was already big enough on Jae, and there was no exception with you.

“Why do you have his- Jae’s jacket?  Since when are you so close he’s giving you his jacket?” his wobbly voice made you awkwardly chuckle taking a long sip of your drink. 

“Well” you awkwardly chuckled, “I was eating lunch with him and his friends, and they noticed your hoodie and started acting really weird so I took it off. Then the cafeteria was really cold and I really couldn’t stop myself from shivering, and Jae tried giving me his jacket and while he did that I kinda realized i’m in love with him. Then, we sat down and I also kinda played footsie with him” somewhere along your answer you had started rambling, so to shut yourself up you shoved the entirety of what was left of what you had ordered into your mouth.

As you kept chattering, Sungjin’s eyes grew wider, and his mouth fell further open. 

“It took you this long to finally realize you’re in love with him?” Dowoon’s genuinely amused question was drowned out by Sungjin’s whisper yell “You played footsie with him?” you winced shrinking in your seat. What was supposed to be soft bread now felt dry and harsh as you swallowed it.

“It was an accident” you nervously played with your hands “I thought his leg was the pole under the table” your eyes flickered up at Sungjin dumbfounded expression before going back to your empty plate. “That’s the part where you’re supposed to laugh,” you muttered.

“I really don’t understand how someone can have such a small amount of brain cells” Sungjin’s dumbfounded expression changed as he leaned in to the table putting his chin on his hand and looking out the window. You couldn’t see his face, but you took note of the sad smile on his lips. You knew your best friend, and you knew he was trying to play something off by joking around. Sungjin always did that. If he felt awkward or was trying to hide something, he joked around to ease whatever tension had taken a hold of him.

You felt trapped. You and Sungjin have always had so much communication in your relationship, and you always told each other what was on your mind even if it was a silly thought. You told each other everything, but these past weeks he seemed to be keeping so much from you. 

Were you losing your best friend? 

Maybe he had finally grown tired of you. Your insecurities stopped you from reaching out to him and asking him what was on your mind when a few days ago you wouldn’t think twice from cheering him up. You felt a pressure building up in your chest making it hard to breathe. 

Dowoon’s low voice spoke up paired with an anxious smile as if he himself could also feel the distance enveloping the two close friends. “What else did you expect? This is Y/n we’re talking about '' You and Sungjin both laughed, but it was strained. 

The rest of your time was filled with an unusual silence between you and Sungjin with Dowoon trying to make conversation, yet neither of you really indulged in Dowoon’s attempts at lighting up the mood only replying with small hums and chuckles. 

You were too busy thinking about what could have possibly put such distance between you and your friend of years, and if you could fix the quickly diminishing relationship. Meanwhile Sungjin was too busy thinking of how he was already losing you and preparing himself for the inevitable point in time where you would leave him without looking back happily walking away in Jae’s arms.

You said goodbye to each other with tight lipped smiles. You guys had always said goodbye with a tight hug and a promise to see each other later. 

On the bus ride home the pressure in your chest turned into heaviness weighing you down with uncertainty of what would become of you and your friend. No, not your friend. Your brother. Part of your family. You really didn’t know how you could live without him. You thought you were dumb. Would Sungjin really leave you like that? Without explanation nor reason? You felt stiff changing into your sleeping clothes and as you collapsed onto your bed. 

He hadn’t even called you peaches.

You didn’t really get much sleep. Thoughts of having to face Jae in your class the next morning and thoughts of why Sungjin was acting so off tossing and turning in the space of your tired mind. You hoped maybe you could just sleep through the whole day not having to deal with your crush or your best friend. Your reasoning being that It was friday, and you deserve a break. You knew that was a stupid reason, but you had no energy to really think of anything. The uneasy feeling at the pit of your stomach wouldn’t lighten up no matter what you tried. 

You would have to eventually face both anyways, and you knew it was absurd to avoid what would only fester and burden everyone involved the longer you let both situations be. You wished for time to turn back to normal when everything was normal. When you didn’t know you had totally fallen in love with Jae, or when you hadn’t done whatever you did to piss Sungjin off to the extent of him treating you so coldly. 

You honestly didn’t really want to return to a time when you didn’t acknowledge the feelings you have for Jae. Knowing what the warmth feeling in your chest was when you were around him was such an amazing feeling and just being around him made you happy, but it was hard not knowing whether he felt the same or not. By association, your mind traveled back to earlier that day when you had basically felt him up and you groaned scrunching your eyes tugging your blankets tighter around your frame in search of comfort. 

You tried thinking to a time when you had gotten any sign of him returning your feelings,  but it was hard to come to any kind of conclusion when he acted so friendly with everyone. It was difficult to decipher whether how he treated you was any different to how he treated others. It was one of his qualities you had fallen for. Even if he is feeling uncomfortable himself, he always tried to make other people comfortable and his generous friendliness had never failed in him gaining many friends. He always put himself after others trying to make their days brighter by doing and saying all kinds of foolish things. 

Jae lived to make others smile. It was one of his favorite things to do. He loved bringing happiness to those around him, but he also never failed in listening and offering words of encouragement to whoever needed it. You knew because he had done it all for you. He had made you laugh and lifted up your mood on multiple occasions, but he had also never failed to offer a hand of support when you needed it. 

Looking at the time on your phone you sighed seeing you would have to get up in about two hours. You closed your eyes forcing all thoughts out of your head and being able to fall under the blissful blanket of sleep. 

You woke up two hours later body feeling heavy with no energy at all and a faint tiredness making your limbs weak. You threw on some ripped jeans, a hoodie, and some converse after you got out of the shower. Your movements were slow and your feet dragged as you got ready for the class so exhausted you walked right past Jae’s jacket hanging off your chair which you had sworn to return today.You also forgot the important fact that the class you were going to was the one with Jae in it. 

You didn’t even bother eating anything knowing your body would only feel weaker later from the lack of nutrition, and your stomach would push against your ribs in protest to your choice of not eating anything You were just  too depleted in energy to really put any effort in taking care of yourself. You walked out of your dorm building simply nodding at people who greeted you too worn out to give your usual greeting and smile in return. You yawned the whole time you walked to the science building which was luckily not far from your dorm. 

You walked sluggishly, at a much slower pace and vastly different from the bouncy stride you had on a daily basis. You were too beat to really pay attention to any of your surroundings with your mind set on autopilot not really thinking of anything but how heavy your shoulders and head felt. Everytime you blinked it stung with the need to shut your eyes for a longer amount of time to rest both your body and mind. 

You fought to keep your eyes open, but even the chilly wind blowing against your face was not enough to stir any energy in you. The colorful leaves seemed monotone at that moment, their vibrant colors usually making you feel an excited little tingle in the base of your stomach, but today the colors just seemed to mock you with the vigor they danced and twirled with which your weary body could only wish for. 

You entered your class with a huff shouldering your bag into a more comfortable position while searching for your usual seat. You froze when you remembered this class was Sociology. The one and only class you had with Jae. You could already see his fluffy blonde hair, and his hunched form in his regular seat to the left of yours.

You hung your head letting out a tired exhale simply accepting your demise. You walked down to one of the rows near the front groaning as you fell into your seat and immediately buried your head into your arms relishing in the nice feeling of getting to close your eyes. You felt someone staring at you and you tried ignoring it, but you couldn’t stop the prickling sensation at the back of your neck knowing who it was. 

You slightly raised your head so only your eyes were peeking up from your arms meeting Jae’s worried eyes which instantly widened at the dark bags under your eyes and the paleness taking over your usual lively face. You shoved your face back into your arms, body slumping into an uncomfortable position. 

“You look like-”

“Don’t”

“-hell”

“Gee, thanks Jae for your encouraging words” you mumbled into the sleeves of your hoodie too tired to really snap back with your usual sarcasm. It was silent for a minute before gentle hands were shaking your shoulder and a sharp voice was telling you to get up. You grumbled since you were finally falling asleep even in the limb numbing position you were in. You sat up slouching in your seat and pouting at Jae who simply rolled his eyes digging into his bag. 

He took out your favorite snack and you figured he probably stopped by the convenience store again. He pushed the food towards you looking expectantly at it. You simply narrowed your eyes just wanting to curl into the warmth of your hoodie and sleep. Jae narrowed his eyes back at you tightening his jaw and crossing his arms. He pushed the packaged snack closer to you to which you simply clasped your hands together in your lap. 

“Eat”

“No”

He tried once again, voice firmer. “Eat”

Your response was the same. “No”

“Y/n” You knew the call of your name was a warning. 

“I’m not a child Jae” he slightly nudged your foot with his. “Then stop acting like one”

You stayed silent determined to get your way until Jae suddenly leaned closer making your breath catch. You avoided his gaze, but he ducked closer to look into your eyes holding the food with one hand and softly grabbing one of your hands to place the food into it. “Eat it. Please”

You shook your head letting out a small smile and ripping the packaging open. “Well when you say it like that” only getting met with an earnest “Thank you” when you put the first bite into your mouth. 

“What about you? Have you not eaten” your words were muffled from the food in your mouth, but Jae just let a chuckle rumble his chest. “Aww is tough little Y/n worried about me?” you started choking, mouth set into a frown from trying to fire back with a comeback forgetting you were in the middle of swallowing your food at the  moment. 

He let out an airy laugh this time patting your back and fixing his glasses. “I’ll be fine Y/n, just eat loser. I don’t want to hear your stomach grumbling the whole class period, it’s annoying dude”

You let out a miffed grunt only making him laugh again as he settled in his seat. The professor finally came in immediately telling the students about how his dogs had eaten his books (covers and all), so we only had to take notes today while his new shipment of books got delivered.

You finished the snack feeling a little better with food in your stomach, and brushing yourself off. You didn’t notice that Jae had taken off his hoodie until he held it out to you. You looked at him confused and he mouthed “Pillow”.

You gratefully smiled at him giggling when he winked at you and whispered “I’ll cover for you” much alike to what you said on the first day of this class when you two officially met. You missed the slight tint to the tip of his ears when you snuggled your face into the soft fabric of his hoodie much more comfortable with something supporting your head. It didn’t take long for you to fall asleep, and you were so deeply asleep you didn’t feel when Jae brushed the hair from your face finger lingering on your cheek bone. 

You didn’t notice the soft looks he gave you every once in a while slightly smiling at your peaceful expression while writing the notes which he would give to you sooner or later probably blackmailing you into going to the new barbecue place in town. If you heard him right now, you would laugh. He didn’t need blackmail  for you to spend time with him. 

He just didn’t know that. 

Jae felt like he could breathe easier. Your cheeks were regaining some of their color, and the crease between your eyebrows had disappeared with your mouth falling slightly open. Your chest rhythmically rose and fell giving him the assurance you were having a restful and fittless sleep. 

He knew you had trouble sleeping sometimes, so he was glad you were finally getting a nice chance to catch up on all the sleep you had lost. Jae briefly wondered what it would be like to wake up next to you, cute lidded eyes adoringly staring at him and giggles spilling from your  pink lips as he playfully tickled you. 

Jae shook away the thought clearing his throat to calm the pounding of his heartl. His torment was luckily cut short from the professor’s voice calling out the end of class. 

He took extra time putting everything back in his bag, even putting your things back into your bag because he wanted you to sleep as much as you could. He eventually shook you awake with gentle hands heart fluttering in his chest when you slowly blinked your eyes at him stretching and thanking him. He offered to walk you to class which you took with some teasing. 

“So there’s a party tomorrow the boys and I planned” he started off words feeling heavy on his mouth. Maybe this could finally be his chance. 

You hummed before letting out a light gasp, “Ah, it’s one of those famous parties you guys have where you can only go if you were invited by one of the boys from the frat right?” 

Jae slowly nodded his head turning to look at you. “Have you not gotten invited yet?”

You shrugged your shoulders pursing your lips. “Sure I have. Sungjinnie and Dowoonie have invited me a thousand times. I’m just not much of a party person”.     You didn’t see the tick of his jaw when you said their names so affectionately before he shook it off with a goofy grin.

“Ah yes, what do you do? Sit in your room and watch Princess and the Frog for the millionth time” he scoffed nudging your shoulder with his. 

You nudged him back harder causing him to stumble. “Hey! don’t hate on Princess and the Frog you fool. It’s timeless, so get educated before I force you to watch it until you’re so sick of it, you won’t even be able to look at a frog” your ramble made him throw his head back and laugh fixing his glasses as his eyes crinkled. 

“Would you come if I invited you?”

“That depends. Are you inviting me?”

He stopped at a vending machine nervously swallowing but calmed by your usual teasing demeanor. 

“I am” the lump in his throat didn’t allow him to say much more than that. “Then yes, I’ll be there” you had to bite your lip from smiling too widely ignoring the excitement floundering in your chest. 

Jae couldn’t control himself, a wide smile overtaking his face as he got two drinks handing you one and ruffling your hair. “Great, I would have had to never let you eat my Starbursts again if you said no.” You rolled your eyes no longer fighting the beam on your lips looking at your favorite drink in your hands feeling nothing but happiness bubbling in your stomach. 

He started walking away when you called out to him, your eyes shining mischievously. “You better not leave me alone. I get lonely drunk” His laughter rang around the hall while he turned his head to smile brightly at you. “Wouldn’t dream of it”

He turned back around apologizing to someone he almost bumped into. You clutched the drink in your hands, the smile on your face still not leaving. At that moment, you really did feel like you could run for miles if it meant having Jae smile brightly at you like he had just done. Your chest drummed with a light kind of elation. You had never looked so much forward to a party than you did for the one happening tomorrow. 

You texted Sungjin when you got to your dorm. 

You: im going to the party tomorrow

You:  any advice??

Bob: I didn’t invite you?

You: Jae did…

Bob: Oh

Bob: See you tomorrow then

You stared at your screen confused beyond belief at Sungjin’s weird behavior blissfully ignorant of your best friend’s inner turmoil as he was given further proof he was “losing” you. You hadn’t accepted one of his invitations since the start of the year. You took a deep breath trying not to snap at him in text messages frustrated by his cold attitude. You simply decided you would confront him tomorrow at the party having enough of him acting so distant. 

You would absolutely not lose your best friend. Not Sungjin. Not like this. You were interrupted by a sound notification from your phone.

Bawk Bawk: Plz get at least 5 hrs of sleep today nerd. 

Bawk Bawk: I don’t want to be dragging around a zombie tomorrow. 

You: Yeah yeah whatever mom

He simply sent a meme of Younghyun rolling his eyes making you huff out a laugh as you put your phone to charge being able to fall asleep at a much faster rate than normal. 

[purplesurveys]

1033

survey by tickticktmr

What's the best food to have at a sleepover? I’d have a blast at a sleepover if my friends and I were to get a square-cut cheese pizza with a box of wings. Cheesy nachos with beef would be great too.

How did you meet the last person you shared a bed with? We were introduced by our respective friends.

Do you like the yellow cheetos better or the orange ones? I don’t like Cheetos, period. Cheese puffs never did grow on me.

Where did you buy the shoes you wore today? My mom got it for me two Christmases ago.

Do you have any half siblings? Nope. But this year I found out I have a half-cousin (and possibly half-cousins) from a trash uncle who apparently fooled around behind my aunt’s back, but I have no desire to associate with her or that entire family altogether. 

How many DVD players are in the house? We still have two lying around but we haven’t used either in 6–7 years.

Do you like the last song you heard on the radio? I cried, because I needed to hear the lyrics that were being sung.

Do you know anyone who has been on TV? Sure, mostly some of my friends’ parents.

When going shopping for junk food, what's the first thing you pick up? My eyes usually dart to the Pringles before anything else. And if there’s also any salted egg chips that looks appealing enough for me to pick up.

How would you react if you found out you had a long lost sister? I think my literal first reaction would be to be pissed at my parents for hiding such a secret from me for a long time. It would depend on how they explain the situation if I end up wanting to meet her or if I can do without.

At sleepovers, do you usually stay up all night or actually go to sleep? Hahaha I’m the grandma that passes out. I’ve never successfully stayed up at a sleepover and for some reason I’m always the first one to start getting sleepy. I guess all my friends’ bedrooms are really that comfy.

Is there anything in the room you're in that's really dusty? [continued from last night] For sure. There are some things in my room I barely use or move around so it definitely wouldn’t be a surprised if they’ve since gathered up a fine layer of dust.

Do you know anybody with different colored eyes? Yeah, someone from my high school has this condition.

Are any of your relatives vets? [continued AGAIN from the night before last, lmao send help] As far as I know, no. We’re not really the type of family that produces doctors, and I believe we lean more towards law.

Who cleans the most in your house? Oh my mom, for sure. She wants all chores done a certain way, and she’s always genuinely happy to do everything herself.

Do you own any shirts that cost over $100? No. I think my most expensive shirts are my wrestling ones, which never went above P3000, I think.

What about any shoes? Do you think that's a lot of money for clothes? Yeah, well shoes are generally more expensive so I’ve definitely spent more on sneakers than I’ve ever had on a shirt. I think a pair of shoes that go for P5000 is fine because for the most part it’s also already a testament to its quality. I draw the line at P5000 shirts, because you’re only paying for the label at that point.

What's the movie theatre in your town called? Ours don’t have names. Most of our cinemas are housed within malls, so whenever we make plans to watch a movie we just mention the mall.

How many minutes do you consider late? Idk man, I prize punctuality a lot. People to me are either early, on the dot, or late.

Is there any jam in the fridge right now? No, we don’t really consume jam. We’re not a very spread-y kind of family, come to think of it. We prefer meatier stuff in our sandwiches.

What did you get your best friend for their last birthday? I learned iMovie throughout my UTI-slash-fever horror experience so I can make a video for Gab that compiled her friends’ greetings in time for her birthday. I wasn’t able to get Angela anything because I was still looking for a job then and didn’t have any source of income; and because Gab broke up with me on that day so I was too distraught to be doing anything.

What about your mom's and dad's last birthdays? My dad was abroad for his last birthday. I didn’t get my mom anything because we don’t have that kind of relationship.

What kinds of food do you dunk into milk? Uhm mostly none, because I never really have milk unless I’m at a hotel or at a friend’s, lol. I’ve dipped chocolate chip cookies into milk several times though, and those didn’t turn out bad at all :) I’m a fan of the mushiness.

Do you have any current or past teachers on your facebook friends? A couple of my high school teachers are still my Facebook friends. I never added nor received requests from my college professors, which I prefer tbh because I’ve always viewed college profs as having a more professional vibe compared to my grade school and high school teachers, who were like parents to me.

Are there any baby pictures of you up? Like, the room I’m currently in? No but my school portrait from Prep is framed and hanging on my wall, which is the closest thing. I was already 7, though.

Do you have any friends who have bleached blonde hair? Nah. I have a lot of friends who’ve dyed their hair over the years, but none bleached all the way through. Gabie did, but just for her tips.

How much sugar do you like in your tea/coffee? Lots. I need every trace of it feeling like black coffee removed, haha.

What color is the cereal in your cupboard? We don’t eat cereals in this family; we’ve always enjoyed a classic Filipino breakfast. Sometimes we’ll get cereals I guess, but we never eat them the traditional way; my mom and sister usually just snack on them straight from the box on non-breakfast hours.

Are you wearing any jewlery that a boyfriend/girlfriend gave you? No.

Has a boyfriend/girlfriend ever given you jewlery? Yes.

Have you ever seen the last person you kissed cry? Many times.

Would you rather work at a gas station or be a maid? I hate chores and touching other people’s stuff, so I’ll go with the gas station. I could meet different people from that job too, which sounds more interesting.

What's the closest store to your house called? Just Things. Basically sells hype merch, including the P5000 streetwear shirts I called out earlier, for all the hype heads in my area.

Do horror movies scare you more when they're 'based on a true story'? The biographical nerd in me obviously gets excited, but I don’t get scared. I get more invested when they include snippets or updates about the real-life counterparts and go beyond the vague ‘based on a true story’ banner.

Do you still talk to the last person who hurt you (emotionally)? Yeah but I really need some sort of coin bank thing for it for every time I do so because idk why I still hang around sometimes.

Is there an outdoor movie theatre where you live? Not where I live. But I do know that because of Covid, some malls outside of my city have started offering drive-in cinemas, which were never a thing here before.

What color was the last food you ate? Golden brown, yellow, black, red, green. It was a truffle and mushroom pizza that I treated my family to because I had gotten my first paycheck this week and I would’ve looked like an absolute ass if I spent it on anything else other than my family. I MEAN I wanted to treat them too, of course, but I won’t deny that there’s an underlying reason for me buying the food as well. Welcome to a firstborn’s life in the Philippines (and in Asia, tbh).

Have you ever seen your mom or dad drunk? My mom has been tipsy, but not drunk. My dad never lets himself get swayed by alcohol. He’ll still get a single bottle of beer, but I’ve never seen his demeanor change.

How expensive is too expensive for a pair of jeans? Anything above P7,000 or P7,500, maybe.

After seeing a movie, do you go to a site to enter a review about it? Nah, I’m not the Letterboxd type of person. I’ll sometimes tweet about a movie, but only if I found it good or intriguing enough.

Have you ever done that? No. I’m not the best movie reviewer, so even though I’m aware of Letterboxd’s or IMDb’s appeal I’ve always been too shy to share my thoughts or ratings just in case someone ends up criticsplaining a movie to me.

Would you consider McDonald's a restaurant? I know what route this question is getting to but I’m too tired to defend my thought process, so suffice it to say I love McDonald’s, lol.

Do your parents vote? LOL my mom only started doing so again when I registered - before 2016, she cast her last vote back in 1992. Of course, her opinions were wrong for both the presidential (2016) and senatorial elections (2019) haha. 

My dad does not vote and he stopped giving a shit about Philippine politics when he started working abroad 20 years ago and increasingly spent more time overseas than he does in his home country. Which, honestly, as sad and bad as it sounds, I totally understand. He’s completely detached from the goings-on in our country that to make him vote would be just as useful as letting him purely guess his choices.

Are there any creepy pictures up on the walls of your house? We’ve never gotten such a comment before, so no.

What's the last thing you were excited to eat? The pizzas I bought tonightttttt :> I got truffle and mushroom pizza and quattro formaggi pizzas and they were from Motorino, this fancy (and pricey) place I used to go on dates in that I haven’t visited so long.

It’s hilarious because I didn’t even plan on buying any food today as I’m stingy with money...but in my shift today I was tasked to order food bundles for certain media partners we regularly collaborate with. I kept ordering all these fucking pizzas for people I don’t even know and I got so jealous???? So I ended up buying for myself at the end of the day HAHAHAH

Do you ever hit electronics if they don't work? I smack them against a surface, but I rarely hit them with my own hand.

Who’s the most romantic person you ever went out with? I’ve only gone out with one person and, her toxic traits aside, I highly doubt any future prospect would ever come remotely close to her.

Is there anything hanging from the ceiling in your room? My bedroom light.

How would you react if your best friend was pregnant/got someone pregnant? She’s not planning on having a kid any time soon so I would assume it happened by accident, and I would assume she would be in distress. That said, my instinct would be to be there for her and support her in whatever she does moving forward.

Do you know who Lisa Simpson is? Sure thing, she’s my favorite.

Have you ever had a crush on the last person you spoke to online? No. I’ve never even met her.

Have you ever seen the last person you hugged dressed up fancy? Sure, my grandma dresses up for parties and other formal events.

(If your parents married), Do you know where they got engaged? No. My dad didn’t even pop the question; at some point they just sat each other down, had a long talk, and decided they’d get engaged. Idk where it happened though. Maybe while on a date somewhere?

What color was the last cup you drank out of? Copper.

What was the last picture you printed of? I honestly can’t tell you. I’ve printed a number of documents for various adulting tasks lately, but I don’t know the last time I specifically printed out a photo.

What restaurant has the best fries? I’d have to go with Army Navy. Or if we’re going with fast food, Jollibee.

What does your mailbox look like? We don’t have one. Messengers just insert envelopes through our screen door.

Have you ever gotten something stuck on the roof? We have a rooftop, so that’s never been a problem for us.

Have you ever had a surprise party thrown for you? No. I don’t think I’ve ever been that important for anyone.

Is the room you're in organized? It can do with some fixing, but it’s not terrible.

Would your mom make a good president? She’d be the most organized, neurotic, and punctual president in the history of presidents, but I doubt she’d be of help in conflict resolution or law-making, or any decision-making aspects that go with being president.

The 2nd class you had last time you went to school: ever skipped it? I don’t think I ever skipped that class in the short time I took it before Covid took over.

Do your aunts and uncles have kids? Yeah, nearly everyone does.

Is this survey interesting so far? I liked it.

Do you say fancy or formal? Or something else? Depends on the context. I use both as I think they have different connotations anyway.

Does your English teacher have kids? The last English professor I had doesn’t.

Does your computer make a lot of noise? The fan whirs when the laptop gets too busy. The noise is definitely noticeable considering how quiet my laptop is 98% of the time; but I wouldn’t call it bothersome.

Do you see movies at home or in the theatre more? Home. I watch at the cinema like, a maximum of 5 times a year.

What's your favorite thing to eat during a movie? Potato Corner fries. Non-negotiable.

[mymindsmadness]

Dear Drarry, the final installment

I was going to save this for Fanfic!Friday, but it’s the conclusion, so I thought it needed its own day. Yes, the Dear Drarry series is coming to an end! 

I’ve so enjoyed writing these, but I think it’s time for them to come to an end. As this is the final in the series, I played around with the idea of multiple POV’s. So in this we’ll see both sides of the conversation between Harry and Draco. 

In this one:

Draco knew that after the war, everything had to change. Starting with the life debt he owed Potter… maybe he’d just write instead. He never expected to keep writing...

Warnings: EWE

EDIT: Shout out to Anon that pointed out it was Vincent that burned in the fire, not Greg! Idk where my head was lol

Previously:

Dear Mrs. Malfoy || Dear Mum and Dad || Dear Ronald Weasley ||

November 28th 2001

Dear Potter,

I wanted to formally thank you for returning my wand now that I have paid my debt to the wizarding world. Mother would also like to extend her gratitude. 

As I’m sure you’re aware, even before you chose to testify at my trial, you were owed a life debt on behalf of my family for what you did the Room of Requirement.

Debts aside, I’ve come to realize that I’ve never really thanked you for choosing to not let me be consumed in the fire as Vincent was.

So… thank you. I’m sure you doubt the sincerity of my gratitude due in no small part to our history, but please believe me when I say I am begrudgingly truly thankful.

Now, if we could perhaps come to terms on a way to settle our life debt, I would be happy to leave you to your life as ‘the most promising auror in wizarding history’. It seems the Prophet has not bored of featuring you. I suppose congratulations are in order to both you and Weaslet Ginevra.  

I’ll be awaiting your owl,

Draco Malfoy

◢◢◢◢◢◢

 December 3rd, 2001

 Dear Malfoy,

How do you manage to sound like a ponce in a letter?

You don’t need to thank me for saving your life, Malfoy. And you don’t need to pay me back either. It’s not something I did to get one-up on you. I would have saved anyone. I’m sorry I couldn’t save Crabbe.

And don’t even mention the Prophet. They’re just as untrustworthy as ever. Ginny and I broke up over a year ago; we just kept it quiet. She’s been dating some bloke from an American quidditch team I’ve never heard of. They just got engaged. Naturally, the Prophet saw the ring and jumped to conclusions.

I saw that you and err… Astonia was it? I saw your wedding announcement in Quibbler. I didn’t know you and Luna were friends.

Seriously, don’t worry about any life debts.

Harry Potter

◢◢◢◢◢◢

 December 16th, 2001

Dear Potter,

Did you seriously write ‘err’? You know you don’t have to write everything you think, don’t you?

Astoria and I were engaged to be wed, yes. That arrangement was set up long before I was even born. Seeing as I am venturing away from the pureblood traditions and beliefs that got me imprisoned in the first place, I called off the wedding. Normally, I would entertain my mother’s wishes, but Astoria and I didn’t quite see eye to eye – or rather we saw a certain aspect very simil

As I share her interest in men, I didn’t think it fair to enter into a marriage with her. Although I do not hide who I am, I would prefer you didn’t sell that information to any papers.

Lovegood and I are on speaking terms. I find her presence to be calming, if not entertaining.

As for the life debt, it’s not as simple as dissolving it. There are magics that bind. Traditionally, I would have to offer you my first born as a potential match for one of your children. Seeing as I don’t have any children and doubt that you would care for my first born, we must come to an agreement that suits both parties.

Draco Malfoy

 ◢◢◢◢◢◢

 December 18th, 2001

Dear Malfoy,

Me? Me sell information? I think you have me confused with a pointy git we went to Hogwarts with. No, I would never sell information to the papers. Perhaps I’ll have badges made though. Bright green ones that read ‘Malfoy’s Bent’. It seems only fair.

I don’t want your first born. I doubt I’ll even have a first born of my own. Looks like we have something in common after all – Ron would be mortified. Ginny and I split because I was finally able to admit to myself that I fancy blokes. I suppose it should have been obvious when I followed you aro

If you have to settle this ridiculous life debt why not just give me a book or something, yeah? It just has to be something doesn’t it?

Forget that last. I just asked Hermione and she looked at me like I kicked a house elf. She said it must be something important, but I don’t really need anything. And I don’t want to take anything that’s important away from you.

Look, I know we’re not exactly friends, but a bunch of us are going to the pub before the holidays to celebrate. It’s on the 22nd. You should come. We could talk about all this life debt business over a pint and you can make Ron turn that shade of red that makes his hair look orange.

Harry

 ◢◢◢◢◢◢

 December 27th, 2001

 Dear Potter,

I only now just recovered from the hangover that concoction you made gave me. Did you know that it was impervious to hangover potions? I didn’t even think that was possible. I suppose it was worth it to watch Weasley sweet-talk a coat rack for the better part of an hour.

It occurred to me Christmas morning that we never did get around to talking about the life debt. Mother asked about it last night at dinner and was sorely disappointed with me for not repaying you yet. I know you’ve had very little interaction with my mother, but she is not someone that you want to be cross with you.

Draco Malfoy

 ◢◢◢◢◢◢

 December 28th, 2001

Malfoy,

On assignment. Not sure how your owl got through the wards. I’ll write you as soon as I’m back.

You called me Harry that night. You could, you know? Call me Harry.

 ◢◢◢◢◢◢

 January 6th 2002

Dear Granger,

I’m sorry to be writing you. I know despite the evening we spent at the Leaky Caldron we are not exactly on speaking terms. First, I want to apologize for the way I acted in school. I have a vague memory of apologizing the night of the 22nd, but as I can hardly remember it, I don’t think that should count. Perhaps you would allow me to buy you lunch one day this week to apologize properly? I prefer it be in muggle London so I will actually be served.  

However, the reason I write you is because I haven’t heard from Potter in quite some time. I do not know him well enough (nor do I feel comfortable) to seek him out at the ministry. Last I heard he was on an assignment. If he wanted to stop talking to me, he could have just stated as much.

Regards,

Draco Malfoy

 ◢◢◢◢◢◢

 January 7th, 2002

Dear Malfoy,

I think lunch would be lovely. We’re far too old to carry on this ridiculous feud. I remember you starting to apologize, but then you started rambling about the colour green. Perhaps we had all been too liberal with Harry’s ‘special drink’. Still, it would be nice to get a proper one. Maturity or not, you said some pretty awful things. 

As for your question, no I haven’t heard from Harry. Or Ron for that matter. They’re on the same assignment and were due back yesterday. Though, it’s not unusual for their assignments to run long. If I hear anything before you do, I’ll write you myself.

Try not to worry. Harry is a very competent auror.

Sincerely,

Hermione Granger-Weasley

Deputy Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement

 ◢◢◢◢◢◢

 January 7th, 2002

Dear Granger,

I’m not worried.

Why would I worry about Pott

It’s not as if I care if someth

How is Wednesday for lunch?

Draco Malfoy

 ◢◢◢◢◢◢

 January 11th, 2002

Dear Draco,

It’s okay that I called you Draco isn’t it? It feels silly to still be using each other’s surnames. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to write you sooner. We got caught in a magical vortex and had to walk out of the jungle with a muggle guide. But that’s confidential, so pretend I never said anything.

Hermione told me you had lunch yesterday. Well, I think that’s what she told me. I hardly stayed at the DMLE long enough to get debriefed. I’m exhausted and a mess but I wanted to write you as soon as I got home.

Hermione also said something about you asking after me? If I didn’t know any better, I would think you were worried. I like it.

I kept notes while I was out there. Little things I saw and wanted to remember to tell you. Ron thought I was losing my mind. Forest fever he called it, but I don’t think that’s right.

I think I’ve just gotten used to writing you. I look forward to it now. Don’t let it feed that abnormally large ego of yours.

Since I wrote enough down to send you another letter and you insist that we talk about this life debt, why don’t we have dinner tomorrow? I can even cook if you don’t feel like going out.

Harry

 ◢◢◢◢◢◢

 January 11th, 2002

Dear Harry,

I’m glad to see you’re recovering from your delusions well. Terrible thing that is, losing one’s mind. And you had so little to spare from the start. I’m glad to hear you’re okay though. I know you have a history of personal injury.

Be careful, Potter. Wanting to share things with me? Wanting to cook me dinner? One would think you were a Hufflepuff in search of a date.

Draco

 ◢◢◢◢◢◢

 January 11th, 2002

Draco,

Okay, it’s a date. Seven work for you?

And if we’re going to date, and I was kind of hoping we could, you should call me Harry.

Harry

 ◢◢◢◢◢◢

 January 11th, 2002

Harry,

Bleeding Gryffind..

Seven is fine. I’ll bring wine.

See you then… Harry.

Draco

 ◢◢◢◢◢◢

 March 12th, 2004

Harry,

This really needs to stop. My mother is insistent that we settle our life debt. We’ve talked about this for years – years, Harry.

And before you ask, no. It can’t be a book or a broom or anything else you’ve found lying around and tried to pawn the life debt off on. It has to be something meaningful to me – to the Malfoy name. Something that holds the essence of life and is equal to the gift you’ve given me by saving mine.

I know you’re on assignment, but I also know that you’re able to receive and respond to owls – Hermione told me. When you get home we’re going to settle this once and for all! I’m very cross with you. I might even throw away those tattered trainers you insist on keeping.  

I want this settled Harry! Start thinking about things!

Draco

◢◢◢◢◢◢

 January 11th, 2002

 Draco,

I’ll have you know that I’ve actually given it a great deal of thought. Something that is important to you. Something that holds the ‘Malfoy essence’ which I still think sounds incredibly dirty as I’ve already held the Malfoy essence on several dozen occasions.

It seems you can repay me with your first born after all. Or rather, your life. I’ll take that last name too, while I’m at it.

Should have just waited a few more days and I could have asked you properly. There’s a ring in my bedside table, you spoiled git.

Harry

P.S. Don’t touch my trainers or I’m revoking my proposal

 ◢◢◢◢◢◢

 January 11th, 2002

Harry,

Did you just… 

You didn’t just…

You absolute Neanderthal! How on earth am I going to tell people (my mother!) that you proposed via letter!?

  ... However...I suppose it does meet the requirements… and the ring isn’t terribly gaudy. It will serve the debt.

Now hurry home so I can say yes properly.

I love you, you ridiculous Gryffindor.

Draco.

[whatiswhump]

Bucky Alternative Civil War

This takes place right after they capture Bucky in Civil War, an alternative version if he had been sent to an American psych facility. Sorry it’s super long but idk how to split it up and do it justice.

-

“What’s going to happen to him?” “He’s going to be sent to an American psych facility where they will evaluate him. Steve, he doesn’t even know who he is. How can he trust you when nothing anyone has told him for the last 60 years was true?”

-

The case... or containment unit? They were keeping him in was unpleasant but nothing compared to what he knew- or he thought he knew. These electrical charges periodically went through him, while he could feel it in his jaw, hair, teeth, toes… it was worst in his arm. They were clearly meant to render him- and his arm- incapable. They didn’t feed him, not that he noticed nor cared, they didn’t personally address him either, not that he cared about that either. Really, this was more or less the drill he already knew. He was already retreating back into the depths of himself. He had new masters, he didn’t know much but he did know how this went. Even if they said they were the good guys, first the Russians, then Hydra…. Every bureaucracy was capable of whatever it took to accomplish their mission. Bucky didn’t know what they wanted with the soldier yet, but he knew that they were going to get it, regardless of what he wanted. So he let them strap him into this box because he was never going to win. He let them take him wherever they wanted to take him. They didn’t tell him- all as well he supposed, it’s not like he had any effect over it. He tried to sleep or feign sleep whenever possible, squeezing his eyes closed. He could feel the stares, the fear, the fascination, the disgust, the superiority. No matter how accustomed he had become to being gazed at- no privacy whatsoever, it was the one thing that still bothered him the most. The way they looked at him- as a thing to be evaluated. He was a rabid animal- one most would like to put down- but the few were intelligent enough to realize he may have use yet. Those few were the ones that scared him.

There was a plane at one point. He knew that. There were trucks, on freshly paved road. And then finally a stronger volt of electricity and blackness.

He woke up slowly, very slowly. He waited for the soldiers to lift him out of the cryo tank. Who was the newest target? Not that it mattered.

But wait, he wasn’t in cryo? The cold he felt was a floor.. A concrete floor. Why was he on the floor? The details came at an excruciatingly slow speed. He forced his eyes open, to his relief it was dim- he had always hated to wake up to bright lights- how did he know that?

He was curled closely into his side. He wore only a thin hospital gown. He was in a ten by ten room, concrete, one extremely reinforced window in the steel door. His mind flickered back to a Hydra holding cell- where they kept him if missions were short enough times in between to not go back into cryo. But something told him this wasn’t Hydra... But he couldn’t remember what. He tried sitting up but only managed partially against the wall- every muscle in his body ached. This is when he noticed an addition to his metal arm- a disc, a slightly different color but slim and unobtrusive. What was it? With his other hand, he tried to see if it would click off, it didn’t. Maybe it needed to be pulled off? A shock started in his fingertips and traveled and then black.

When he woke up again, he didn’t remember. He tried the same course of action with the disk. His handlers thought that he was being impudent and rebellious. He needed more sedation.

When he woke again, he didn’t remember, but this horrible sluggishness arrested his movements and thoughts more than the previous confusion and soreness. He couldn’t move from his side on the floor. He couldn’t figure out what it was but it reminded him of something unspeakable, some kind of mental anguish that couldn’t be described. He noticed the disk and did not know what it was but he knew it was bad, he knew to be afraid of it. He began to cry. Quietly at first but he began to forget himself and sob, he couldn’t control it. He didn’t know how long he had been heaving and panicking on the floor but at one point there was a buzzing and a click and he knew they were coming in to get him and true panic set in. But he couldn’t control his limbs- not well enough, they were too heavy and lumbering. So he shrank as much as he could into the corner, sobbing harder, trying to brace himself. They were going to take him. They were going put him back into the halo and they were going to make him do unspeakable things.

But instead of dragging him off the floor the hands held him down. There was just a prick of a needle and a slow fading of consciousness, like falling beneath the waves of an ocean. He drowned in the mess of his tears.

But he woke again. But he wasn’t on the floor, he was in a bed. When was the last time he was in a bed? Never? He couldn’t be certain but he couldn’t think of a time when anyone had ever put him in one. He either slept on the floor, the table or was put in the cryo chamber. But he knew this wasn’t the way beds were supposed to be- he was strapped in. Not that he was surprised. When was he not restrained? The answer to that was when they wanted him to kill someone.

“Sergeant Barnes?”

He jolted, he hadn’t realized there was someone else in the room. Why was that name familiar? One of his handlers perhaps- one long dead from many cryo sessions and wipes ago?

His mind was foggy, frustratingly slow, how did they expect to send him on a mission when he was like this? He couldn’t make tactical decisions in this state. But then he realized. Oh god. They were doing more experiments, they didn’t need him in working order this time. Where was the Nurse? He thought she said they wouldn’t experiment on him anymore. Was the Nurse gone? He had a vague recollection that maybe she had left. But he didn’t know. He didn’t know anything.

“Sergeant Barnes, are you with us?”

His eyes landed on a man sitting two and a half feet away from the bed in a chair. A doctor or a scientist? Or both? He was wearing his coat and a clipboard.

He nodded because the question was clearly directed at him.

“Good, you were pretty touch and go for a while there.”

He just stared back, not comprehending that the doctor was attempting to engage in a conversation, they rarely talked to him. If they did, it was to gauge pain or sensations or if with a handler for a mission report. Short questions that expected shorter responses. And rarely in English. It disrupted his programming, he didn’t know why but they avoided English.

“Okay, well let’s start with this, would you prefer my staff and I address you as Sergeant Barnes or James? Which makes you more comfortable?”

He hesitated to speak, knowing that it was not normal protocol, he vaguely remembered a punishment may be the last time he had spoken? He was the Asset? Or the soldier? He didn’t have a name. But at last, when it seemed that the doctor was truly expecting a response, he said, “Who is Sergeant Barnes?”

The doctor looked back at his clipboard, “We were told that you remembered parts of your past...”

He did? Well- he thought he did? Maybe?

“Well, then we will rewind further. Your name is Sergeant James Barnes. Do you know where you are?”

He shook his head no, preferring that to using his voice.  

“You are a supermax security military psychiatric facility in the United States of America. You are here to be evaluated and to receive care.”

That didn’t seem right. He was lying. What use for they have for the soldier here? Was he undercover perhaps?

“James, we are here to help you. But that is difficult for us to do if you do not cooperate. So your bionic arm has been adjusted- with that disk- so that it is normal strength, if you try to pull it off, you will be shocked. Additionally, you are on a course of sedatives, which is why you may be feeling a little odd…. It is to reduce your strength to keep yourself and my staff safe. As well as your panic attacks under control.”

“Panic attacks?” It slipped out before he even knew he had spoken, his voice was sore from disuse.

“Yes James, you have been in our facility for two months but this is our first real conversation. You have been unreachable, either sobbing and hyperventilating or distant and nonresponsive. It did not help that you kept attempting to remove the disk. But there will be no more of that. Will you cooperate now?”

He nodded yes. Did they realize that he would do anything he said? It was in his programming. Maybe they were just testing him? The way Pierce had?

“Okay then let’s start with these.”

Where had that other man come from so suddenly? Had he always been there? The second man in white held a paper cup of pills in one hand and a plastic cup of water in the other. He was bringing them to him. The man’s hand was moving faster than he could track suddenly they were hovering right in front of his face? He felt dizzy. There was another set of hands, where had those come from? They were forcing his mouth open, he didn’t resist. Why would he? The cocktail of pills was tipped into his mouth and his forehead was forced back so that they went to the back of his throat and he swallowed as they held his jaw closed. “Good job, well done James.” The doctor that had not introduced himself said somewhere out of his periphery.

Then things faded again, back below the waves.

Light, subtle.

Something soft? A blanket.

Exhaustion.  Food? No.

No food.

Hands. Grabbing at him. Restraints. Water? Shower. Strong deft hands scrub him. He can only lean against the tile wall his hands are secured to. Too tired. Strong hands guide him to step into thin cotton pants.

He is back in a room alone. Food? No.  Pills? Strong hands. Sleep.

Food? No.

Chair. He is tied down to it. Like Hydra. Like Hydra chair. Where are the scientists? Where is the handler? Only men in white. Something is being forced down his nose.

“You need to eat James.” He hears far away.

No eating. Too tired.

Back to room.

Dreams, terrible dreams, they force him, he has no choice. He fought and he fought and he fought but he cannot win. He completes his mission. The family is dead. Quickly and quietly. Then they scrub the blood off his hands and put him back away.

He is awake, he is screaming. There are hands on him. There is a jacket with sleeves with no ends. There is a prick. He lays there comforted by his arms forced around himself. He feels warm and empty. He does not know who he is.

He wakes up. Pills? Good boy. Get some more sleep.

Food? No. James, we have no other choice.

Bright lights. Table. Restraints. Hydra? He screams. Begs them to stop. They ignore him. He screams louder. He tries to break free. Not again, no more blood. Then a needle, the ocean swallows him again.

He doesn’t remember waking up. James, be a good boy.

Who is James? James needs to swallow his pills. Instead, he swallows James’ pills.

A door unlatches. Footsteps towards him. He shrinks to the wall. Please don’t make me. Please, no more blood. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to. Strong hands. He lashes out. He won’t. He won’t go. Don’t make him. He lashes out again. Then no hands. Open door? He ventures through. A hall? He begins to run. To where he doesn’t know. He runs. There are alarms. They aren’t in his head. They’re loud, too loud. He needs to get away from the alarms. He comes to a door, it’s locked. He breaks the lock. He keeps going. He breaks another lock. He is outside? There are fences. He is scared. There are people. They have guns. They are all yelling. He falters and falls and gets up to run in the other direction. There are people on the other side. He stops. He tries the other direction. They are all yelling. There are so many guns. He falls and feels the biting snow. He begins to sob. He doesn’t know why they are doing this. This is the way it’s always been. It always ends in a fight. They are yelling but he can’t understand them. He begs no. He doesn’t know what he is begging for. Then there are tasers. He convulses in their grips. His teeth bite through his tongue. It will grow back. His tears are hot. Then the tasers are gone. There are hands on him, strong, too rough. There are restraints. He is forced deeper into the snow. Is he wearing clothing? No, he doesn’t think so. Something around his neck. He is being dragged. His head lolls. Please no more, don’t make him. No more blood. Please.

He wakes strapped down. Everything hurts. He cries. He can’t stop. There are hands on him. He doesn’t care. Everything goes black.

He wakes again. He is numb. He cries. He can’t stop. Why is he crying? He doesn’t know. More hands.

He dreams so much that he doesn’t know when he is awake.

He wakes? “James, that was quite the escape a few days ago.” The man in a white coat says. He knows this man.

Snow, he remembers snow. Outside. He was outside. He runs cold when he remembers the guns, the yelling, the tasers.

“James, that was unacceptable behavior. You are lucky they didn’t shoot you.”

He has been shot before. Lots of times. But he is still here. Why is he still here? But this time he doesn’t think he meant to do what he did?

“James this is your home now. You need to cooperate. If you keep hurting our staff like you did, things will get much much worse for you.”

He hurt someone?

“Do you understand what I am saying?”

He sees the man looking at him still and nods.

“Good. Something to help you understand is your new behavioral collar. If you behave, we won’t need to use it all. We feel we have no choice but to use it since you are so unstable and dangerous to my staff. We cannot risk another day like our most recent.”

He paused, maybe he expected a response from the soldier.

“Well anyway, if your behavior needs to be corrected, a small shock will be administered from the device to encourage you. Do you understand?”

Yes, he did understand this. With his gaze far away he nodded minutely.

“Dr. Ward, can I talk with you more about Sergeant Barnes?” The younger doctor, trotted a couple of steps down the hall to catch up with his colleague.

“Of course, we can go ahead and step into my office. What seems to be the matter?”

“Well, sir, I don’t know if our current action of treatment is getting through to him. We know that Hydra completely hard-wired him into what he is now and as a result he seems to be so confused. I’ve only spent limited time observing him but that combined with the notes, I don’t know if he even knows how to be human. He can’t dress or bathe himself. He doesn’t ever want to eat but he also willingly takes his medication every time. When he is left alone he seems to forget himself and zone out completely if he isn’t sobbing afraid of and overwhelmed by his own emotions. Sometimes I think if he were left on the floor, he wouldn’t move until someone lifted him from it. I think Hydra made him completely dependent so that he could not run away. He has no idea how to process things if people don’t tell him how to and even then he doesn’t seem to understand or remember much-”

“Well, Doctor, if you seem to know so much from your limited observations then how do you suggest we continue?”

“Um. Well I think the first step would be to lessen his sedation and take off the behavioral device, he has been trained how to behave almost his entire life, I’m not sure if this would be an improvement. He also needs to be able to form proper thoughts if he is going to start healing, he can’t do that with what he’s on.”

“Dr. Hall, you are forgetting something very important. He is a trained assassin with super strength and a metal arm. He is one of our most dangerous patients. He might be clueless but he could just as easily be still under Hydra’s thumb. But... I agree with you in one respect, our current treatment plan is not working. I was hoping that by giving him time to adjust to his surroundings and let the medication take full effect that he would be in a place where we could reassess and go from there in a more gentle way but now I am beginning to think he requires a stronger approach.”

“Well, I wouldn’t be so sure-”

“Doctor, are you questioning my professional opinion? One with many more years of experience than your own?”

“No- no sir.”

“Very well, then I would appreciate your support in this. I was planning on starting a speech based therapy among other things and I was hoping that you would be the man for the job.”

“Yes, sir.”

[plush-anon]

tejoxys

I finally saw the Endgame spoilers clip

*rubbing my grubby little hands together bc I love a good roast*

Welp, if it’s a roast you want, a roast you shall receive!

(Note: I think I spoke vaguely enough about everything big in the Clips below NOT to warrant an outright Spoilers tag, so I’m leaving it with just an Endgame Leaks tag and a ‘Read More’ line. Message me if you’ve a.) seen the Clips/gone scrolling for more info in the Spoilers tag and b.) think it’s more spoilery than I try to vague it to be, and I’ll tag it post haste)

Christ Almighty, the Clips just make everything look like an enormous MESS.

Thor looks just... awful. In every scene. LITERALLY EVERY SCENE HE’S IN IN THESE SPOILERIFIC CLIPS, HE LOOKS TERRIBLE. There isn’t a single one where he doesn’t look like a mess. Everyone else gets a glow-up (new hair, tattoos, freshly shaved) and looks put together in general (which is admittedly baffling - really, EVERYONE looks good in the face of mass genocide and failure to stop it from occurring?) but Thor decided to whip out his Big Lebowski cosplay at their big ‘save the world’ get-together... why??? (seriously Thor, was a shower too much to ask for?)

Now, if we’d had ANY inclination that anyone else looked rough aside from Tony and Nebula a la the stuck-in-space teaser trailers we saw originally, that would be one thing. Everyone there lost a loved one, everyone there has probably had to come to terms with the fact that they FAILED TO STOP THANOS when they were all right freakin’ there! NO ONE SHOULD LOOK 100% OKAY HERE. Show me dishevelment, poor coping mechanisms, show them having to struggle for weeks (maybe even MONTHS) after the events.

But nope! They are ALL in perfect health according to the trailers we’ve seen before. Even Tony, after nearly dying in space multiple times, just takes a bath and appears to be in fine health after getting back (with some bags under the eyes). Everyone’s perfectly fine, except for Thor (and maaaaaybe Hawkeye, who looks to have gone full-on Frank Miller Batman in his quest for vengeance, but still had time to get a mullet and some sweet sleeve tats in between!).

Nice.

This is a MASSIVE problem with the MCU as a whole, and has been for a while: their repeated attempts to gloss over and sweep consequences of mental trauma and illness away under the rug until it suits them for plot convenience or for comedy. You see this in the Thor sequels a LOT (Selvig being institutionalized for comedy after being possessed, Loki being kept in literal solitary confinement for roughly 2 years, Valkyrie’s PTSD and alcoholism played for laughs, mocking Loki’s suicide attempt from Thor 1 and the actual death he survived in Thor 2, ALL of Odin’s outright dickishness as a parent a la narcissistic parenting, Hela being imprisoned in isolation for literal CENTURIES), as well as anything to do with Tony Stark and his thought process (everything he does is pretty much as a result of the trauma he endures, and everyone in the Avengers just??? doesn’t recognize it??? and attacks him for it without going ‘hey, maybe he’s got PTSD’ or something???? what the hell, man). GOTG does a MUCH better job of it with Rocket and Nebula, but Mantis is left woefully unrealized (thought they do touch upon it briefly, and handle it with relative seriousness). 

Either way, Thor concerns me a LOT, because he is the king of a very small group of Asgardian refugees (and given the scene that shows in the Clips, as well as the appearance of another Thor character later on, we KNOW there were multiple survivors), trying to find a new life on Midgard in the face of not one, not two, but THREE fcuking tragedies - the destruction of Asgard, Thanos’ attack on their ship, and the Snap. Why is he the way he is, in the location he’s in (which actually appears to be the apartment from Team Thor’s mockumentary)? He is the only semblance of leadership left for these people who have lost everything and he’s Like That. Where is a Thor stressed and fretting over being fully responsible for once in his life over the lives of his people, over what little remains of his kingdom? Where is a Thor struggling with guilt as he tries to build a new life for his people, struggling with rule and politics and trade? WHERE IS HE??? Bc right now, all I see is Chris Hemsworth auditioning for the remake of The Big Lebowski, having wandered onto the Avengers set instead of his audition location by mistake -_-

The scenes with Steve leave me absolutely baffled (and some of them just ooze cheese, and not in a great way), because how in the fcuk do we get to those?? His scenes feel the most disjointed here, bc they all have a similar vibe to his personality in Whedon’s Avenger movies. Kind of the ‘Boy Scout’ presentation, which is particularly odd in the aftermath of the Russo Fools’ two Cap movies and Infinity Fcuk Up, which made him more serious, less - bright? I can’t think of a good word for it rn. This is particularly highlighted in his big ‘save the world’ speech we hear - it feels kind of like an ‘okay team, time to save the world!’ speech, instead of something more serious. Is it to try to bring everyone’s hopes up? What else is missing here that we’re not seeing? Why does he feel like he’s back to this persona in light of all that’s happened? Is it to highlight how good and awesome he is in order to {SPOILER REDACTED} like we see in that final sequence? (Also, the imagery for SPOILER REDACTED, while meant to be badass and awesome, feels... kind of awkward, IMHO. Which is weird, bc I thought it would be more amazing and awesome. IDK, maybe I’m just super jaded with the MCU by now).

Carol Danvers’ scenes are actually pretty on point. She gets to be a badass in her fighting scenes and gets an awesome new look that pretty much only functions to further cement her Lesbian Status. The only way she would be more obviously a Lesbian is if her suit were in the colors of (one of) the Lesbian Pride flags and a Cyndi Lauper song was playing in the background (or maybe Joan Jett).

Hulk/Bruce Banner... I don’t even know how they’re going to swing this. Like, at all. I’m particularly baffled bc given how some of the scenes appear to be set early in the film, it resolves extremely quickly to get to that point, and after all the drama of Hulk not coming out in Infinity Fcuk Up, I just - who the fcuk knows at this point. Also, that one scene with the {SPOILER REDACTED} could be effective depending on how they set it up, but then... why exactly is he the one in the scene with the {SPOILER REDACTED} and not Carol or Thor, due to Obvious Plot Reasons?

Finally, Peter Parker. He’s adorable in his scenes, ‘nuff said.

Now, after seeing these scenes, I am left EXTREMELY CONCERNED for this movie’s tone. Granted, it was only 5 minutes of footage for a 3 hour movie. Quite clearly, there is a LOT we aren’t seeing. All the same though, it feels extremely disjointed. I know they’re trying to pull away from the dark and grim ending of Infinity War, but these clips make it all feel a little too casual, a little too ‘let’s go beat the bad guy!’ as opposed to ‘we have suffered a great failure and a great tragedy - as heroes, we MUST work to undo this for the sake of those we have lost, and everyone left alive who has lost the people they loved’. Idk, that may just be me on this one.

But you know the worst part of all of THIS? The worst part is that this is probably what we’re going to get on the release date. This isn’t a trailer Marvel released with deleted live-action scenes featuring minimal to no CGI, or sections clumsily edited over with explosion effects - this was a slew of scenes with a TON of special effects fully rendered in painstaking detail, recorded with a phone on its side in what looks like a movie theater, with foreign subtitles on the screen (I honestly don’t recognize the alphabet, but it might be Middle Eastern). That CGI is expensive and time-consuming as all hell to do, and considering how many of these scenes had it? Either they wasted a shit-ton of money on scenes they didn’t use (seriously, a number of them have Rocket in them, or Hulk - those aren’t the easiest characters to render, I would imagine), or these are in the movie, end of story.

Not to mention, TPTB clamped down on these Clips HARD - like, IMMEDIATELY - as opposed to the process behind deleting Reddit comments. The fast and heavy response from Marvel and the Russo Fools, COMPLETE WITH OFFICIAL TWEET LETTER, along with a Chris Evans tweet not to Spoil the Shit, was to chastise the ones who did (which is somewhat warranted here, given how extreme the security on leaks for Endgame have been).

This response, combined with the quality of the clips, and some of the plot threads that actually seem to be mentioned/referenced in the Lego sets, leads me to believe it’s real.

And I’m not really impressed.

On the flipside, I’m actually kind of relieved, knowing what I’m going into when I walk into the theater opening weekend. I’m not going to be completely shocked and horrified by what I see. This works well in breaking the ice, and also eases some of my anxiety on what to expect (bc I have had a LOT of it for this movie).

The downside to this is that at the end of the day, this is what 22 films ultimately amounted to. Something that feels a little too glib, a little too rushed. Something that doesn’t feel like it’s doing right by the characters who were left, and the characters we love (at least, not in full).

I understand that this is an insurmountable task - to bring to film, with limited time, a satisfying conclusion to so many characters. To arrange hundreds of people within thousands of hours on a set budget to bring this massive story, building for over ten years now, to a close that will resonate and sate with as many fans as possible. But I read fanfiction that does just that with less time, fewer moments, no budget - hell, there are 10k oneshots that rewrote Infinity Fcuk to make sense and treat the characters with the respect that they’ve earned over 20+ films.

This? Doesn’t feel like those.

I will happily admit, I am guesstimating a LOT here, based off of what essentially amounts to 3% of the movie (slightly more, depending on how long the credits are sans post-credit scenes, but still roughly 3%). There is a LOT that is missing, which could fill in these gaps successfully and make this whole post look completely pointless. If it does that, I will gleefully concede that it fooled us on this one. Maybe all of these scenes really ARE hoaxes (even if they were painstakingly subtitled in a foreign language and shown on a movie theater-size screen, but I digress).

But the framing of the scenes looks like it was meant to showcase what the movie would be as a whole, in terms of tone and what to expect. And from that, I’m not excited, or overjoyed. I’m just tired.

And I cannot WAIT for this all to be over, bc I’m fcuking exhausted just watching 5 minutes. Lord knows what 182 of them will leave me like in the end.

*peers up at massive unending ranty analysis post* ...ah. Well then. that happened again. Ah well. Hope you had fun reading my nonsense brain goop, kiddos.

[kingcygnus]

OK. I know I said that I wouldn't share my negative thoughts but the more I think about s8 the more frustrated and sad I get, that I just need to let it all out. so bear with me.

(I'm on mobile so I can't put on the 'read more')

ALSO MAJOR SPOILERS and as a PSA this is not shipping discourse or even focused on that, even tho I will discuss some of the pairs. it's more on the writing and everything related to it, plot, character story and stuff related to those.

the season started ok. the first episode was ok and I did enjoy those golion/80's voltron references since I used to watch them. but then as it started progressing it just got... bad.

way too rushed, poor character writing, deus ex machinas and bad story telling. also leaving some plot-holes that the only way we can fill is by theories that don't really have much information to ground them in.

let's start with our princess Allura. she was done dirty. not only she felt ooc, the ending they gave her (DEATH) felt rushed and... forced. at first I was glad that allura and lance got together, since it let her have some happiness and also showed lance's character growth. but then, they just killed her. she was all willing to die and no one stopped her (except for coran and lance, and even then eh). and like by the end I was expecting her to appear, bc by all the bs deus ex machina they had showed earlier, I wouldn't have been surprised by this. also, the fact that she kept saying she had lost her family and people and had no one else, while completely ignoring coran, who has always been by her side as a parental figure. it saddens me that they couldn't even say good bye to each other. AND WHILE WE'RE ON THAT: HER DEATH WASN'T EVEN NECESSARY. honerva could have just been "hey, let me repay for my mistakes this way and you can go to continue to bring peace to the universe". but no, gotta add that shock value and sad moment. tl:dr : ALLURA DESERVED BETTER.

now, since we're already on not necessary things. the wedding. the whole epilogue honestly, but let's focus on the wedding. listen dw, I know you were trying to receive your "woke points" by having shiro marrying a dude (whom we didn't know existed or even cared much about him) and saying he found his true happiness and gave up on the battle. like, that's not shiro. at all. not to sound like that fan but, shiro would've married the man of his dreams (or just not married at all) and continued to fight for what he believed in, explore space and just continued to be a pilot. just last season we saw him feeling happy, content, on joining the battle and fighting alongside voltron with atlas. yet you dare tell me that he just left the battle to become a househusband. and since we're on the shiro topic, let's just go all out. what did you do to my man?? if allura felt kinda ooc, then shiro was just,, not shiro,,, he was just,, there. he's a main character, but we just saw him relegated to the background. only moment he kinda came back was during that atlastron battle in which it was the team back together. also, he felt so disconnected towards the other paladins??? like he kept referring them to "paladins" as if they were strangers, compared to before when he would more often call them by their names or "guys" than by "paladins". and even when he was on screen, all we saw him doing was giving orders (except for that clear day episode). there wasn't much to his character this season. and before we change topics, shiro just standing there with a :0 expression while keith was just about to get murdered was so fucking ooc; like back on s2e8 shiro was more than ready to fight the entire bom to save keith, but during this scene he just stood there. awkwardly. doing nothing.

and while we're on shiro and keith. damn it felt truly horrible. let's take off the shipper glasses and look at it from a writing and story telling perspective. a critical perspective. those two had a close bond, they were best friends. keith fucking risked his ass many times to save shiro, even brought him back from the death. he was willing to save him "as many times as it takes" bc that's how much he loves him. he freaking killed sendak for shiro. supported shiro back when he was the paladin of the black lion. got away from the team so shiro, once he came back, could get the chance to fly black again. and in this season, we didn't even saw them interacting but 2 times, and always staying 5 feet apart. where was that friendship and closeness we got a whole garrison flashback for. after this season, all those moments, like haggar saying shiro's bond with keith is the closest and deepest, feel just empty. and like, if dw wanted to add that wedding scene, they could've saved it by having it be keith instead of curtis, you know, a character we had previously seen with a deep connection to shiro, who had a close relationship with. something that actually made sense. like either do it right or just don't do it (they shouldn't have done it). that's just bad (and rushed) writing.

next topic. TOO MANY CHARACTERS OH GOD. there were just too many characters and so little time. yes, it's good to develop new characters so the viewers can sympathize with them more. yes, it's good to have more characters. but not with so little time left. since s7 we were introduced to this new bunch of characters, besides the ones we had already met on the past 6 season. so mix them all up on one whole season, and you just get a mess. bc you either move your plot and underdevelop your characters, or you try too hard to develop them and then slow pace the plot to by the end you realize you're reaching the end, you just rush it all up. it's impossible (or at least very difficult) to balance both these factors in 13 episodes with 23 minutes each. it tires the viewers. having that many characters also causes to forget about other characters that we thought were supposed to be important (matt)

now let's get to the plot holes. listen, sometimes vague writing is good. but it's only good when you're giving the audience something to base their ideas on, and info that they can use and so give them a more solid form. but instead, voltron just drops all this stuff that could've been explored on future seasons, even on this last season, and then just not talks about it anymore like it never happened. and instead just leaves the viewer with more questions than answers. also, making stuff happen just because without any warning or minimal explanation. at the end the lions go. where? idk. why? idk either. are they coming back to the paladins? I. don't. know. it feels just too rushed and like they just wanted to end it for the sake of ending it.

did I mention the deus ex machina?? voltron about to be defeated? spirits of former paladins suddenly can also fight with no explanation whatsoever. voltron loses their quintessence? nope, they just need to believe. voltron about to get killed? atlas comes out of nowhere. the rift about to destabilize? nope, balmeras just appear out of nowhere with no explanation as to how they even got there and how did they know where to arrive and how did they get there so fast. everyone having a breakdown about realities getting destroyed? allura and honerva got that covered by sacrificing their lives (they're literally the goddess-like figures of the show)

this *points to s7-s8* is what happens when you suddenly change your writing team: A Mess.

as a side note: the animation was amazing. the soundtrack was amazing. the battle sequences were amazing. and yea, there were those moments that I did enjoyed from this season, but overall it felt too poor on the writing compared to the previous season which had been amazing. as a I said, this one was made too rushed and with a new writing team, it would've needed a miracle to actually turn out good.

and listen, I wouldn't have been as disappointed as I am if it hadn't been for all those interviews.

yea, we can't blame everything on the vld staff, dw execs are also at fault (deadlines, censorship, etc) since they're the ones at power, but fans are also to blame. two main factors: consumerism and harassment. I don't need to expand on these tbh.

anyways this is my rant on s8. if you read it all, thanks?? maybe I skipped over some other stuff, but these are the things that bothered me the most. specially writing wise.

I just,,, needed to let it out.

[bartsugsy]

That may be an odd question but since I've seen gifs about Robert choosing Aaron over Rebecca I wanted you to maybe talk about the same theme but in Rebecca's shoes imagine Aaron. Did Robert cared about Aaron? Like more than Chrissie during their affair? A woman he admired and loved. When he was asked he said to Bex "I care about Aaron more. I will never leave him for ya" but did that apply to Aaron as well when he was in Rebecca's shoes? There is 'I want u' 'I love u' and 'Im in love with u'

so like… you mean rob told rebecca he’d always choose aaron over her but he also, in the affair era, told aaron that he would choose chrissie? and what’s the difference, if there’s one?

i mean, you’re forgetting i think that robert during the affair era was driven by both a love of money and power and more importantly, internalised homophobia and internalised biphobia

we know that he loved chrissie but we know that ultimately his feelings for aaron were stronger and he’s expressed as much, both to aaron and to other people (ssw 2016 is a good place to find examples of this, but also aaron’s birthday 2017 has robert being very unambiguous about this and a whole litany of other moments) (he’s very prolific on this matter it’s kind of insane)

rebecca conversely offered robert everything he thought he wanted back in 2015 - money and power, as well as, in theory i suppose, an opportunity to be in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender, given that opposite gender relationships have, within the larger constructs of society, privilege over same gender couples and also offer less opportunities to receive homophobic abuse specifically etc - and i was going to say that maybe the show wasn’t using that specific angle with rebecca but actually if you watch rebecca’s scenes when she first arrives, she spends a lot of time making biphobic remarks to robert about how men can’t satisfy him the way she, a woman, can and generally undermining both his relationship with aaron and his bisexuality whilst trying to hit on him (and he hadnt even specifically come out as bi by that point and was still struggling which makes it even more 🔪🔪🔪), so maybe that was in fact an intended part of it?

but anyway, the best scene that demonstrates this is the first rob/rebecca kiss scene and the other scenes between them within the same episode (i mean, god, that happens literally the episode before robert uses the word bisexual to aaron because aaron also can’t quite understand it and unloads some far less aggressive and insane but still v much to the point biphobia towards robert)

(rip poor rob)

idk, this show’s track record on bisexuality and calling out biphobia isn’t great so i’m dubious as to how much i trust that this was an intended part of it, but rob has his relationship and sexuality undermined both by rebecca and aaron (and rebecca’s is so so bad - i need to point this out bc i don’t want to equate what aaron says, which is bad in and of itself if far less horribly intentioned, with the absolute insanity that rebecca comes out with, *too much*) (and if you haven’t seen it in a while you may have forgotten just how bad it is but it’s…. oh boy) (aaron at least is actively trying to understand through his own ignorance, whereas rebecca is honestly completely obstinate about it throughout those scenes) (it’s so gross)

and i think as a whole storytelling piece, rebecca was a good way to silence the people who believed that maybe the only reason robert chose aaron over chrissie was because chrissie wouldn’t have him back - because here was rebecca offering it up on a plate and robert had absolutely no interest

(didn’t work, i still get those asks fairly often and to each one i say that making that argument erases a lot of very explicit, unambiguous canon proving otherwise)

ANYWAY, basically - robert was motivated to choose chrissie over aaron because chrissie was what he thought he wanted for his life - all that money and power, but ultimately after he got shot and almost died, he woke up with a renewed focus on aaron (watch his scenes in december 2015/january 2016 for examples of this) and basically barely mentioned or paid mind to chrissie - and had certainly stopped trying to get back with her, all the while doing things like trying to buy the pub just to spend more time with aaron.

since then, he started very slowly to become more open about his own sexuality and his feelings for aaron and that’s only grown ever since

(and now he’s going to gay clubs and making bi jokes ✨💕🌈🌷)

which, to be very clear on what i mean here - he wasn’t with chrissie bc she was a woman (he was with her bc she was rich and bc he did love her) - it’s more that he was never going to be with aaron bc he was a man (and bc he was poor 😂). internalised homophobia was just one more thing preventing him from being with aaron or admitting his feelings too much for aaron - or being able to admit that his feelings for aaron were ultimately stronger than his feelings for chrissie.

with rebecca, when tbh it would have helped him to lie even more about his feelings because he was literally already lying to her about his feelings/implying he had feelings for her in order to use her to take down the whites and then get his hands on their money, he still openly told her over and over that he would always choose aaron, because that was the truth

they deliberately made his actions vaguely ambiguous when he was initially plotting against rebecca but i feel like he’s said enough times in between and since his true feelings to clarify the ambiguity there - and the only time he actually slept with her was directly after believing aaron was dead or some shit whilst in prison and then seeing him high on spice and a completely different person (see: the ons episode and the reveal episodes for further examples/more detailed explanation)

knowing that robert historically had pretty much followed Little Rob’s whims and happily cheated on chrissie over and over with at least rebecca, connor and aaron, it’s not hard to believe that the fact that he can’t do that with aaron outside of very extenuating circumstances (i.e. he won’t just do it for a bit of fun, as before) (or because he’s formed an entire accidental serious relationship with the local mechanic) would mean that it is in fact different for him, with aaron than it ever was with chrissie

(supporting every time he has said as much to aaron or to other people)

this answer is such a mess lmao sorry

why use 5 words when you can use 5000, yk

[thunderheadfred]

I tweaked this scene AGAIN because I am weak for stupid little nit-picky fixes. I didn’t actually remove anything, I just reordered their dialogue. IDK it’s apparently impossible for me to re-read anything of mine and not edit at least one thing hahaaaa uhhh I PROMISE TO STOP 

(from Red Streak Chapter 5: KIthoi Heat)

She was actually going to come over. She was actually going to come over to this side of the room and say things to him, and he was going to have to think of things to say back.

Oh.

But. No. She couldn't just come over... That hadn’t been the plan at all…

Oh shit.

With that thought, she arrived, and Garrus Vakarian finally knew how it felt to be on the receiving end of sniper fire.

“Hi,” she said, corrupting that simple, utilitarian word for all future use.

He didn’t trust both of his larynxes to synchronize properly, so with a mute nod, he raised his drink in her direction. Moisture was beading down the glass and over his fingers; he hadn’t taken a single sip since ordering it.

Apparently charmed by his nervous silence, she stepped closer and leaned against the bar. “You look so blue,” she said. He got the feeling that ‘looking blue’ meant something significant to her, but he had no idea what. Feeling disoriented and sluggish, he watched her watching him, caught her eyes roving up and down the blue C-Sec stripe on his armor — a stripe that pointed directly to his crotch.

“I walked my first beat today," he said, managing not to choke.

He must have sounded more pathetic than he realized, because she said, “My condolences. But that uniform looks good on you.”

He wondered. Spectre gear might have looked better, but that ship had already been shot out of the sky.

“So…” she prompted. “Why C-Sec?”

“Oh.” He coughed, looking at his drink for a prompt. “I guess… Probably the same as most officers: injustice, helping people...” Whatever words might have followed, they disappeared into a dry throat.

“Bullshit.” She laughed. “With an answer that canned…” Her laughter deepened. “I’d wager a drink that you only joined up to impress your dad.”

He quirked his head, too surprised to be embarrassed.

Admitting defeat, he gestured to the bottles that lined the back of the bar and let a grin thaw out his tired mandibles. “You got me. Looks like I’m buying the first round.”

Her smile grew hungrier, eye-teeth glinting — echoing his excitement, amplifying it. “The first round, huh?” Implying there would be more. “I like you already.”

“Hey!” She caught the bartender’s attention with an easy wave. “Can you do a Tom Collins?”

“Who’s Tom Collins?” asked the bartender, using the terse, get-on-with-it sub-vocals of someone constantly harangued by drunks.

As if reciting the greatest punchline in all of recorded history, the red-haired woman said, “an old friend who never comes around anymore.”

The bartender blinked, unimpressed, but the redhead slapped the bar, threw her head back, and roared with laughter at her own joke for five complete seconds before realizing no one else had stopped to appreciate the gag. She dropped off mid-laugh and corrected in a bored voice: “Just give me a gin and soda.”

Eyes rolling fiercely, the bartender handed over a glass of iced alcohol and a separate sealed container of carbonated water, quickly moving on to a less annoying customer. The redhead stared at this piecemeal order, mouth agape. She laughed again, showing every tooth in her skull. Her laugh was loud, throaty, and always accompanied by a shameless display of neck.

Noticing Garrus’ stare, she leaned further into his line of sight and said, “Alright… I won the first round. What’s next?”

Internally, he screamed, immediate evac.

Externally, his eyes continued wandering, memorizing that intense blood-colored hair, the black-red accents stitched into her skin-tight top and skirt, the flawlessly lacquered tips of her fingers, where his eyes finally landed. Conspicuously, she balled that hand into a fist and turned it inward. Nice try.

“Okay… since I apparently look so blue…” He gestured vaguely to all of her. "What’s with all the red?”

“Just a little tribute to my old man.” She smiled, too quickly, then raised her fist. Looking confused and more than a little disoriented, she squinted at her hand, clenching the fist tighter. “Yep. You and me? We’ve both got daddy issues. He used to say: make every bullet fly with honor…”

Garrus laughed, but only to cover the knot in his gut. “You must need a lot of reminding.”

She loosened her fist and returned her hand to her drink, trailing her finger along the rim. Looking deep into the bottom of the glass, she asked, "What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?”

Her tone was accusatory, even childish. He had no idea why she deserved an answer to such a first-year academy bunkmate kind of question, especially one that was so obviously an evasion, but he gave her what she asked for anyway.

His answer, at least, was simple: “Lied to my father.”

Slowly, she turned her head towards him, then she smiled — crazily, wolfishly, a smile that ate her entire face. Her tongue curled around the edges of her teeth as if she were forcing back several different comments all at once.

For ten thousand years, she stared at him. He stared back, noticing that she had a scar on the left side of her face. A line of secret code, it bisected her eyebrow, dashing and dotting all the way down to her open mouth, where her tongue lingered on a pointed tooth.

His disobedient heart skipped a beat. She was so close that he could have put his arm around her waist if he’d wanted to. And he wanted to. Badly. But a well-trained instinct tingled apprehensively in the back of his brain, knowing better.

He looked for signs. No excessive sweat, no tremors, but her pupils were blown wide and her movements were jerky, unpredictable.

Breaking the moment, he raised his omni-tool and beamed his credit details to the bar kiosk. With a stubborn huff, the redhead considered her overpriced cocktail again, mixing it with two sloppy red-tipped fingers. Unsatisfied, she alighted on a grab-all display of fruit slices on Garrus' far side. Presumptuously, she leaned across him to pick out a slice of fruit, presenting the silk-smooth line of her neck for his inspection.

There, he discovered a meaty pulse throbbing in time to the music, and mentally added elevated heart rate to his list. Further down, stuffed clumsily into the shadowed valley between her breasts, he spotted the lynchpin: a suspicious-looking wad of plastic. He’d seen more than his fair share of raver’s goodie bags today, but this was the only one that had made him upset.

No wonder she’d been wasting time on him; she was probably high out of her mind. Forgetting his own ego, there were more important concerns. If she was wasted, any interspecies shenanigans were strictly out of the question.

Garrus tightened his hand around his drink, forcing fat drops of condensation between his fingers. Time to cool down.

After shopping around far longer than necessary, the redhead decided none of the fruit in the display was good enough. Without asking, she reached over to Garrus’ drink and plucked out the skewered sorbacca. She kissed her plush alien lips around the garnish, holding it gently between her flat front teeth to lap off the syrup.

“That’ll make you sick,” he warned, thinking of all the ways anaphylactic shock might complicate this evening if things went much further. But things couldn’t go much further. Because...

Bold as an asari fetish model, she bit down on the small blue morsel. She rolled the fruit from the cocktail pick and into the back of her mouth, her tongue visibly wet, pink, soft… and swallowed.

“I’ve always had a turian sweet tooth,” she said.

His finger slipped on the lubricated rim of his still-sweating glass.

[gurguliare]

HISTORY OF GALADRIEL AND CELEBORN AS INTERPRETED BY ME GOGOL

I’m skipping all the alternate versions of her early life in Aman because I can make no jokes finer than those made in this fic.

The Dwarves of Belegost were filled with dismay at the calamity and fear for its outcome, and this hastened their departure eastwards to Khazad-dûm.

Hey so Celeborn and Galadriel stopping by like, <100 years afterward must have been horrifying huh

She looked upon the Dwarves also with the eye of a commander, seeing in them the finest warriors to pit against the Orcs. [...] Galadriel and Celeborn had in their company a Noldorin craftsman named Celebrimbor. Celebrimbor had "an almost 'dwarvish' obsession with crafts"; and he soon became the chief artificer of Eregion, entering into a close relationship with the Dwarves of Khazad-dûm, among whom his greatest friend was Narvi.

I like the workable ���implication’ that Galadriel encouraged Celebrimbor’s dwarvish outreach stuff for strategic reasons---I mean, he probably didn’t need that much encouragement, but “enabled,” let’s say; I imagine he frustratingly turned around and parroted her own all-Arda-is-marred logic to her when it came to welcoming Sauron, like, you told me my duty was collaboration as strength, coz!

When he felt himself to be secure he sent emissaries to Eriador, and finally, in about the year 1200 of the Second Age, came himself, wearing the fairest form that he could contrive.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. He sent emissaries... from Mordor? He came himself... as an emissary from Mordor?

I know it doesn’t state that outright, but it also seems like the simplest way to read this part. I feel like this is probably mentioned in every Celebrimbor/Sauron fic and I just glossed over it, but listen. He came as an emissary from Mordor???? “Hi, I’m Annatar, Lord of Gifts, and I’ve been doing some great work out East---”

But in the meantime the power of Galadriel and Celeborn had grown, and Galadriel, assisted in this by her friendship with the Dwarves of Moria, had come into contact with the Nandorin realm of Lórinand on the other side of the Misty Mountains. [...] It is not made clear when this movement [of the Sindar] into Lórinand took place; it may be that they came from Eregion by way of Khazad-dûm and under the auspices of Galadriel. Galadriel, striving to counteract the machinations of Sauron, was successful in Lórinand; while in Lindon Gil-galad shut out Sauron's emissaries and even Sauron himself [as is more fully reported in Of Rings of Power (The Silmarillion p. 287)]. But Sauron had better fortune with the Noldor of Eregion and especially with Celebrimbor, who desired in his heart to rival the skill and fame of Fëanor.

In Eregion Sauron posed as an emissary of the Valar, sent by them to Middle-earth ("thus anticipating the Istari") or ordered by them to remain there to give aid to the Elves.

Again: shut out emissaries FROM MORDOR??? Is that... is that right? But, okay, in Eregion posed as an emissary of the Valar---that could mean he changed the story entirely and dropped whatever persona he was using w/ Gil-Galad and Elrond, except... all the language in “Of the Rings of Power” suggests that Gil-Galad and Elrond rejected the Annatar identity. Okay. More compatible would be, he came to Gil-Galad as supposedly a direct representative of (or as the king of??) Mordor, and then he went to Celebrimbor and said, no one else knows this, but I’m actually a god. Celebrimbor: ohhhhhh THUS the heat haze

...

That’s so fucking crazy. That’s wild. What the fuck. I’m going to be really sad if someone points out a reason this interpretation is obviously untenable. I mean I also really like all the fic with Sauron two-timing it as Annatar Lord of Gifts and Tar-Mairon Ferocious God-King or whatever, switching hairpieces in a phonebooth, but PLEASE... I JUST... “yes, I’m king of all Mordor, and this is my diplomatic visit to you which will last for 200 years.” Ok that really makes no sense but maybe like, “I’ve been working behind the scenes in Mordor to pull together on-the-ground resistance against that mysterious evil force whose center you JUST cannot place? I’M COMFORTABLE NOW THAT IT’S STABLE AND SO I’VE COME AMONG YOU---” ... like .... what ....

He perceived at once that Galadriel would be his chief adversary and obstacle, and he endeavoured therefore to placate her, bearing her scorn with outward patience and courtesy. [No explanation is offered in this rapid outline of why Galadriel scorned Sauron, unless she saw through his disguise, or of why, if she did perceive his true nature, she permitted him to remain in Eregion.] Sauron used all his arts upon Celebrimbor and his fellow-smiths, who had formed a society or brotherhood, very powerful in Eregion, the Gwaith-i-Mírdain; but he worked in secret, unknown to Galadriel and Celeborn.

In secret? In secret. In secret? SORRY I KEEP HAVING THESE AHA MOMENTS ABOUT VERY STRAIGHTFORWARD PIECES OF INFORMATION it’s been awhile. But seriously how does that even---in secret as in he lived in Celebrimbor’s basement or in secret as in, whenever Celebrimbor tried to buttonhole him at a party where other people could see them, he turned into a cat and ran away? what, come on, tell me

My new theory about Galadriel btw is Celebrimbor just. Didn’t tell her it was a Maia. Like, “oh, no, he’s on a secret mission to heal Middle-earth, I can’t out him, that would deprive Galadriel of the chance to come around on her own.” Galadriel: sweating through her clothes every night but can’t figure out why

...but Celeborn would not enter the mansions of the Dwarves, and he remained behind in Eregion, disregarded by Celebrimbor. In Lórinand Galadriel took up rule, and defence against Sauron.

no um. I do actually love that Celeborn then presumably became Galadriel’s spy in Eregion while she battle-readied Lórinand from afar. ... ... ... How the fuck did Celebrimbor persuade Sauron to also disregard Celeborn? I have yet another theory but it pairs better with this next quote

Sauron himself departed from Eregion about the year 1500, after the Mírdain had begun the making of the Rings of Power. Now Celebrimbor was not corrupted in heart or faith, but had accepted Sauron as what he posed to be; and when at length he discovered the existence of the One Ring he revolted against Sauron, and went to Lórinand to take counsel once more with Galadriel. They should have destroyed all the Rings of Power at this time, "but they failed to find the strength." Galadriel counselled him that the Three Rings of the Elves should be hidden, never used, and dispersed, far from Eregion where Sauron believed them to be.

“revolted against Sauron” is different from “rejected Sauron.” Among other things, it sort of suggests he’d previously accepted Sauron as some kind of overlord. He’s described as taking control of Eregion for himself, together with the rest of the guild---but maybe he’d privately committed Eregion itself to Mordor’s service or aid, and that’s why Sauron was comfortable leaving to resume open rule of Mordor, with Celebrimbor supposedly in his pocket as future lieutenant/petty king? I... uh. idk I know this is a lot of extrapolation, but on the other hand, I like it because it helps me understand why Sauron might have taken such a light touch with, say, the Celeborn issue. Of course you can also explain that as “Celebrimbor wasn’t an idiot and Sauron had no way of pressuring him into it without basically outing himself as a creep” BUT LIKE ... IF THERE WAS ALREADY A COUP---hmm. Anyway, I’m just fond of Celebrimbor playing faith-and-trust chicken with Annatar even before he necessarily developed any suspicions of his identity: Annatar is asking a lot of him, so a lot he will give! But in a way that almost precludes Annatar challenging Celebrimbor’s “loyalties,” because distrust in the face of so much submission would be a sign of bad conscience.

God Celeborn must have made a crap spy, and also hated that job, worst job

I like that he doesn’t go with Celebrimbor to Lórinand either. I mean, to be fair, that would be a hell of a red flag to Sauron, but also I’m imagining Celebrimbor offering absent-mindedly and Celeborn like, “are you going through Khazad-dum???”

Celebrimbor: well... yes... they usually leave the door unlocked for me

Celeborn: FUCK YOU send my love to my wife

It was at that time that she received Nenya, the White Ring, from Celebrimbor, and by its power the realm of Lórinand was strengthened and made beautiful; but its power upon her was great also and unforeseen, for it increased her latent desire for the Sea and for return into the West, so that her joy in Middle-earth was diminished.

[ + from the footnotes: "the resemblance cannot be accidental. She had endeavoured to make Lórien a refuge and an island of peace and beauty, a memo­rial of ancient days, but was now filled with regret and misgiving, knowing that the golden dream was hastening to a grey awakening. It may be noted that Treebeard interpreted Lothlórien as 'Dream-flower.'"

+ Galadriel cannot have made use of the powers of Nenya until a much later time, after the loss of the Ruling Ring; but it must be admitted that the text does not at all suggest this (although she is said just above to have advised Celebrimbor that the Elven Rings should never be used).]

I’m counting this as support for my vague thing of “the Rings actively help revert the world to an earlier savepoint rather than just slowing decay, a la Dwarvish time magic rather than Elvish preservation stuff”; I love that it acts on Galadriel, too, to access this otherworldly young self to whom Middle-earth wasn’t even real. Also, god, I just love the feeling that Galadriel actually arrests her own development in a way she doesn’t have to, and like, it becomes a thing where Valinor is the only cure because she needs to reconnect with the reality of her fantasy/obsession, but it wasn’t---Valinor wasn’t necessarily the only endpoint of her time in Middle-earth, and it’s partly her very straightforward love of Middle-earth (for its own sake, as well as for the sake of power over it) that leads her into this situation of alienating herself from the world in order to heal it. I know this is Galadriel 101, okay, but listen. It’s a good time. I also like that what she may interpret as an overlong indulgence might instead have been a period of necessary dormancy, protective in the same way that like, the Siege of the Noldor was protective though still doomed. That separate obsession giving her grounds on which to reject the Ring, for example; I can imagine that 3000 years spent maturing more normally, without Nenya and without such a heavy burden of imposed regret, might have prepared her better for a bunch of stuff, but not for the Ring.

The scouts and vanguard of Sauron's host were already approaching when Celeborn made a sortie and drove them back; but though he was able to join his force to that of Elrond they could not return to Eregion, for Sauron's host was far greater than theirs, great enough both to hold them off and closely to invest Eregion.

I can’t believe the new relationship I came away from this reread caring about was “Celeborn and Celebrimbor.” Celebrimbor: overthrows you, ignores you for centuries, sends you out to fight his boyfriend for him in mix of trust and unwanted generosity (he trusts you to fight, and also to escape!), dies. Corpse shows up on a banner. He’s so patronizing

Then Celebrimbor was put to torment, and Sauron learned from him where the Seven were bestowed. This Celebrimbor revealed, because neither the Seven nor the Nine did he value as he valued the Three; the Seven and the Nine were made with Sauron's aid, whereas the Three were made by Celebrimbor alone, with a different power and purpose. [It is not actually said here that Sauron at this time took possession of the Seven Rings, though the implication seems clear that he did so. In Appendix A (III) to The Lord of the Rings it is said that there was a belief among the Dwarves of Durin's Folk that the Ring of Durin III, King of Khazad-dûm, was given to him by the Elven-smiths themselves, and nothing is said in the present text about the way in which the Seven Rings came into possession of the Dwarves.]

Urgh I have such a feeling about... Celebrimbor’s friendship with the Dwarves slowly deadened and crowded out by Sauron’s competing influence, while the outward form was maintained... maybe that’s an uncharitable reading of this. But like, that he was SO far gone by the time Sauron was done with him that all he cared about was dividing up his life into things Sauron had gotten into and things still untouched---the Seven and the Nine written off because Sauron already tainted them, so only the Three matter. Whereas when he gave away the Seven as gifts he must have thought of them as hallowed by that association, although the widening rift is still apparent, since at one point his first thought would presumably have been to work with the dwarves on any gift he made for them. ... Celebrimbor, bud.

Sauron withdrew the pursuit of Elrond and turned upon the Dwarves and the Elves of Lórinand, whom he drove back; but the Gates of Moria were shut, and he could not enter. Ever afterwards Moria had Sauron's hate, and all Orcs were commanded to harry Dwarves whenever they might.

Fun how this changed Celeborn’s opinions on dwarves 0% I guess. I know, I know, Moria and things, I LIKE that it didn’t make a dent but I ... feel... “sad”

[This was Vinyalondë of Tar-Aldarion, afterwards called Lond Daer; see Appendix D. p. 274.]

My boy!! My useless boy!

Eriador was cleared of the enemy, but lay largely in ruins.

:(

...but the Red Ring he kept, until he gave it to Círdan when he set out from Lindon in the days of the Last Alliance.

I don’t know why it’s so funny to me that Círdan kept Narya. The Red Ring. The Ring of Fire. “Of course it’ll be safe with him he’s a merman it cancels out”

In its concluding passage the narrative returns to Galadriel, telling that the sea-longing grew so strong in her that (though she deemed it her duty to remain in Middle-earth while Sauron was still unconquered) she determined to leave Lórinand and to dwell near the sea. She committed Lórinand to Amroth, and passing again through Moria with Celebrían she came to Imladris, seeking Celeborn. There (it seems) she found him, and there they dwelt together for a long time; and it was then that Elrond first saw Celebrían, and loved her, though he said nothing of it.

GOD I LOVE ...... ELROND/CELEBRIAN HAPPENING IN THE WAY BACK OF ALL THIS GALADRIEL DRAMA. Galadriel: WHEN will I be GRANTED permission to cross the sea, which I did not accept the first time, and also I cannot leave because Sauron is here, that rube. Celeborn: Should we talk to Celebrian about her new habit of dropping notes tied to rocks off the balcony when Elrond is walking by--- Galadriel: WHEN????

And be­fore Idril set sail she said to Eärendil her son: "The Elessar I leave with thee, for there are grievous hurts to Middle-earth which thou maybe shalt heal. But to none other shalt thou deliver it." And indeed at Sirion's Haven there were many hurts to heal both of Men and Elves, and of beasts that fled thither from the horror of the North; and while Eärendil dwelt there they were healed and prospered, and all things were for a while green and fair. But when Eärendil began his great voyages upon the Sea he wore the Elessar upon his breast, for amongst all his searchings the thought was always before him: that he might perhaps find Idril again; and his first memory of Middle-earth was the green stone above her breast, as she sang above his cradle while Gondolin was still in flower. So it was that the Elessar passed away, when Eärendil returned no more to Middle-earth.

I Luv Earendil And Idril, also, do you think Earendil and Elwing used to play, like ... “stack the magic rocks.” “balance your apple-sized Silmaril on my walnut-sized Elessar in order to impregnate it with holy radiance!” “ok” “now we’ll shine the Silmaril---through the Elessar’s lens---onto crops! because otherwise it burns the crops because it registers nutrients imbibed from the tainted land as evil!” “mmhmm”

And Olórin said: "This I bring to you from Yavanna. Use it as you may, and for a while you shall make the land of your dwelling the fairest place in Middle-earth. But it is not for you to possess. You shall hand it on when the time comes.”

man I’m simultaneously so married to Celebrimbor-made-Elessar-part-two AND fascinated by the huge gap between “to none other shalt thou deliver it” and ............... “This I bring to you from Yavanna.” lmao. Plus the contrast between Idril giving it to Earendil NOT to pass on and Gandalf to Galadriel in trust is great, obviously. idk it’s weird! it’s weird! passionate about the idea of this lost gem rehallowed by its transformation from a possession to a stewardship, as always, thanks again tolkien. Did Eärendil give it to Yavanna in repentance of his quest or to Idril, because Idril came back?? Idril makes more sense and I love how painful that is, since she clearly intended him to keep it but left open the ‘possibility’ of her return in her phrasing! What a judgment on them both that he followed through! Also, imagine Idril immediately turning around like “UHHHH sure my dad was obsessed with bringing back the trees I’ll fob this off on Yavsies”

But he did not say to Gala­driel that be himself was of Gondolin long ago, and a friend of Enerdhil, though his friend in most things outrivalled him. Yet if Enerdhil had not been then Celebrimbor would have been renowned. Therefore he took thought, and began a long delicate labour, and so for Galadriel he made the great­est of his works (save the Three Rings only). And it is said that more subtle and clear was the green gem that he made than that of Enerdhil, but yet its light had less power. For whereas that of Enerdhil was lit by the Sun in its youth, already many years had passed ere Celebrimbor began his work, and nowhere in Middle-earth was the light as clear as it had been, for though Morgoth had been thrust out into the Void and could not enter again, his far shadow lay upon it. Radiant nonetheless was the Elessar of Celebrimbor; and he set it within a great brooch of silver in the likeness of an eagle rising upon outspread wings.

Maybe I’m not that married to Celebrimbor remaking the Elessar actually. I can’t remember why I felt married to it. Maybe fuck that. Although I like: [Celebrimbor struggling desperately to remember Gondolin-related things] “I’LL STICK AN EAGLE ON IT”

btw my official stance on “Celebrimbor in Gondolin” is no, no, never, but that he WAS basically lumped in with the Gondolindrim in Sirion, as were other survivors from Nargothrond.....

The native people were fairly numerous and warlike, but they were forest-dwellers, scattered communities without central leadership. They were in awe of the Númenóreans, but they did not become hostile until the tree-felling became devastating. Then they attacked and ambushed the Númenóreans when they could, and the Númenóreans treated them as enemies, and became ruthless in their fellings, giving no thought to husbandry or replanting. The fellings had at first been along both banks of the Gwathló, and timber had been floated down to the haven (Lond Daer); but now the Númenóreans drove great tracks and roads into the forests northwards and south­wards from the Gwathló, and the native folk that survived fled from Minhiriath into the dark woods of the great Cape of Eryn Vorn, south of the mouth of the Baranduin, which they dared not cross, even if they could, for fear of the Elvenfolk. [...] The denuding of the lands was increased during the war in Eriador; for the exiled natives welcomed Sauron and hoped for his victory over the Men of the Sea. Sauron knew of the importance to his enemies of the Great Haven and its ship-yards, and he used these haters of Númenor as spies and guides for his raiders.

ahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahaha sorry I am dying because somehow every time I forget how detailed and explicit Tolkien is about “alas for the rape of nature, which leads indigenous people without fail to ally with Satan”

(Ornê was originally applied to straighter and more slender trees such as birches, whereas stouter, more spreading trees such as oaks and beeches were called in the ancient language galada "great growth"; but this distinction was not always observed in Quenya and disappeared in Sindarin, where all trees came to be called galadh, and orn fell out of common use, surviving only in verse and songs and in many names both of persons and of trees.) That Celeborn was tall is mentioned in a note to the discussion of Númenórean Linear Measures, p.299.

On occasional confusion of Galadriel's name with the word galadh my father wrote:

in conclusion, fat Galadriel is canon: stoutest and fairest of the house of finwë

[kingsofeverything]

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

1. List of works published this year: 

In the order that they were posted

Fall At My Door 

Collide

Mercedes Boy

The Oldest Magic Word 

With a Word (part 2 of FAMD)

Possessing All of Me (part 2 of MB)

It Had To Be You 

One of Many 

Stranded in a Dream

How Fast You Fall

Soft Wings

Has The Ocean Lost Its Way 

Splish Splash 

Don’t Want Shelter 

Wasted Like A Memory (part 2 of DWS)

Just Around the Corner 

Find You Home 

Sweating ’Til My Clothes Come Off

Number 84 

Let Me In (part 3 of DWS)

Admission

Intention

Resolution

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Don’t Want Shelter, definitely. The idea for it came to me over a year ago, and that was basically exes to lovers stuck in a hurricane together. I tried to write it earlier in the year and scrapped it. It was a completely different story and they were actually exes, but it just wasn’t working. RIP those 10k words. But I set out to write something with more emotion and I wanted to write something different and I feel like I succeeded. I’m very emotionally attached to their characters in DWS too. It’s been hard to get my head out of that universe.

I’m putting the rest under a cut because this got really long.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Soft Wings. It was soooo hard to write at that time. I was just struggling to write anything at all and every single word of that fic was a giant pain in my ass. It was a bday gift and I actually decided not to do gift fics anymore because of how hard it was to write. The last gift fic I wrote was DWS and it was like 2 months late-- sorry about that @justafatbirdonaboat <3

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

So, this was actually difficult and I would rather include the sex scene I mention below in question 7, but it’s long and... it’s smut and I feel like dropping it in here with nothing leading up to it or after it takes a lot away from it. This is from DWS:

If he keeps himself busy enough, which he’s fairly successful with, he doesn’t have time to think about Harry and how once again he practically laid himself bare for absolutely no reason. It’ll fade, he knows that, but at the same time he doesn’t want it to. It’s how he finds himself going out of his way to some specialty store to find Harry’s organic cinnamon toothpaste. It’s why he bought some fancy vanilla candle for his bedroom. He’s fighting with himself over trying to forget and wanting to remember, because he knows that eventually it’ll be gone no matter what he wants. The toothpaste will be empty and the candle will burn down, and it’ll all become a distant memory.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

i got a super long and detailed comment on FAMD from one of my favorite drarry authors and bloggers that came at the perfect time when i was feeling really shitty about writing and also life in general. it was such a surreal thing for me because i was reading the comment and it was just super lovely and the whole time i was reading it i was like OMFG and fangirling lol

all of the comments on DWS from people who read it as a WIP. they were like some sort of super fuel for me. and it was... idk a special thing for me. i’ve never done a WIP before and idk if I ever will again. it just worked out with that fic because of the chapters and betaing etc. but every time i posted a chapter and people would comment on it, it was just... idk it meant a lot that anyone would follow along, i guess.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Writing Soft Wings, so late May, and then again after I posted DWS, I struggled with Sweating ’Til My Clothes come off. That was Reason #14 and literally NO ONE wanted to write that prompt, so I took it. Mainly though, my struggles have been with fics that either I’ve abandoned (the old version of DWS) or my unfinished sci fic au.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

i feel like everything i write surprises me. i’m constantly shocked that i write anything at all. i think that most of dws was surprising to me. i had a vague idea of what i wanted their personalities to be like, but the way they ended up was so much better than i thought they’d be. I MEAN, i legit thought that the entire fic would take place over 3 days and would end when the storm ended! and then the storm ended and i was like... wtf i’m not anywhere near finished with this. and then a scene specifically, umm... there’s a sex scene in ch 7 of dws that ended up being wayyyyyyyyyyy more emotional for me to write and it still makes me sad to read it. and i’m like 99.999999% sure if you’ve read that fic, you know what i’m talking about. i wrote that and immediately was messaging nic like “i’ve made myself sad with smut! what is wrong with me?”

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

i’m much less messy, though i’m still messy. i think i was easier on my beta this year. less cliche (unless i’m cliche on purpose) and better at getting the emotions across? I DON’T KNOW @louandhazaf is better at this stuff. she answered a different question about this earlier in the year actually.

wait. also. i think i’m better at conceptualizing a story BEFORE i start writing. i still suck at it, but not as badly as last year. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

i’d like to write another long fic. i’d like to get better at developing secondary characters. i’d like to write more emotion into my fics. i’d love to be better at outlining and planning fics, but idk if that’s who i am lol 

tbh i’d like to be better at the part of writing that, up until this point, and to a certain point, come naturally to me. i don’t think about my character’s motivations or what they’re separate stories are or backgrounds and shit like that until i’m writing and sometimes i do it and don’t realize i’m doing it? i guess? I DON’T KNOW. coming from a math background and never having written or even taken a creative writing class or anything like that, like... some of the most important aspects of writing, i have no clue about them. at least that’s how i feel. a lot of what i do is just................. like me flying by the seat of my pants. 

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

this is my answer from last year and i’m just going to leave it because it’s still true.

NIC @louandhazaf​ my friend and forever beta. one day we’re going to take over the world. just depends which one of us is in charge of the brain that day as to whether it’s for good or evil.

however, i’ll add to this a bit. nic is the best cheerleader and beta and all of that. bouncing ideas around with her is always fun and always productive. we laughed so hard when we were talking about ideas for DWS. like... i think we both laughed so hard we cried. 

having writer friends -- so all of you -- has been such a positive thing for me. knowing that we all sort of go through the same shit makes it easier when it’s my own lol. 

specifically, i’ll say that @phd-mama influenced me with her fic ‘feels like coming home’ because i read that fic and when i finished i decided that i needed to write something with more emotion behind it, something with a really great (though not necessarily good) back story. the history between her characters in that fic..... idk a lot of it hit home for me. and because of that fic, i wrote DWS. so, thanks <3 

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

ummmm... yes. let’s just say.......... yes.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

yes! write what makes you happy, even if that means writing something sad and depressing. but also try to challenge yourself to write things you’re not used to or things you haven’t done before. also, just write. you can edit later. put words down.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

my near misses fic, which is what i’ll call it until i title it, that i am super excited about (this one just came to me yesterday)

moodboard fic - it’s anon, so i can’t say anything other than that. i started it, but i think i’m going to start over. 

2 time stamps for ‘don’t want shelter’. one that takes place the summer they’re 13, and one that takes place between chapters 8 & 9, but before ‘let me in’

my sci fi au - it’s been kicking my ass for most of this year 

i have a fic idea where they go from friends to lovers, but it’s a long long road to get there. idk if i’ll get to it. it would be loooong. 

i want to do a valentines fic but idk if i’ll have time. i’d like my near misses fic to be for valentines, but that’s a lot of pressure on me and then on my beta.

28 proposals with jess @someonethatsfunny and if we want to do it for an advent fic for next year, i need to at least write a proposal per month. 

i want to do the new relationship travel the world fic with nic @louandhazaf that we’ve talked about co-writing, but we both have so much going on......... 

oh and the tiny penis fic series. which is 5 short fics that are not connected, but one of them has a tiny penis in each fic (it switches around and also maybe they both do in one fic)

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

I would like to tag all of my writer friends, sooo you’re all tagged. Also, this is more than 3, but idc

@dinosaursmate @allwaswell16 @letsjustsee @gaycousinlarry @goodmorningtoyouuniverse @assisreal (writing or art, saori! or both!) @prettytruthsandlies @someonethatsfunny @phd-mama ok i’ll stop tagging so that y’all will have people you can tag lol

[craniumculverin]

so many. just. so many thoughts on stuff in feast for a king. lots of theories, that sort of thing. based on both in-comic info and info gathered from kosmic’s blog, some of which is like a year old. so what with how he’s changed the story over time, some might be plain wrong now. idk. enjoy my mad ramblings.

how did knife know to use sign language with rome when rome’s confident that next to nobody knows he’s deaf? i doubt that’s something knife would have gleaned from rome’s heartbeat alone.

is rome sex repulsed? pretty sure he’s definitely aro and/or ace. he’s had repeated instances of being disgusted by bodily functions as well as sex. doesn’t seem to be general touch aversion as he’s cool with handholding and being all close to king while facing that queen worm. he was engaged to a woman but for what little we know about the relationship between him and penny it could have been a strategic/political engagement that rome and/or penny wasn’t okay with.

Plus kos has inferred that rome’s aro/ace throughout their blog via asks in a multitude of indirect ways, soooo...

at the time of good leadman trying to take perkons from his cell, meat body robots (aka the helpers) were already in use. this means celadon had already received her creepy robot body shell from the aiguilles since she is all of the helpers, in some fashion. what was it that made that union between triangle alien and powerful human family? when did this alliance start?

cross was created by the aiguilles - specifically randall and rembrandt. being the creators of both cross and meat body robots, is it possible the aiguilles knew/found out about/was actively a part of cross’s change to cash? rome was born a year after cash was “born”. is it possible rome is a sort’ve meat body robot/human hybrid based from aiguille DNA? from the few aiguilles we’ve seen besides rome, they’re not a particularly physically jacked family. they’re brains and money. maybe they treated him like an experiment, fiddled with his DNA a bit? maybe this resulted in his genetic “oddities” (deaf, pink hair, orange eyes)? they were hidden from the public eye in order to have rome appear more “aiguille-ish”.

according to rome cash was his childhood friend as well as training instructor. did relations change between the leadmans and aiguilles (good leadman wasn’t to keen on randall at least, and info from scissor-as-cash adds more to her not liking how her creators treated her) in that 500 years for rome’s family to allow this? was it a strategic/political sort of thing for the sake of appearances? or did rome have more of a connection to the leadmans than just that? maybe his similar physicality to good leadman (and thus crimson) isn’t just happenstance?

cash’s “mother” is just another meat body she uses at the same time (at least occasionally?) as her main meat body for the sake of keeping up the daughter facade. so it’s possible, at least for an AI, to control at least two bodies at once. if rome is a meat robot after some fashion, maybe he could somehow be controlled? or allow someone to experience things through him at least? good’s dealt with plenty of shit to cause anyone to just shutdown, but maybe he’s not being as un-attached as it appears? maybe evil mother can see and feel what good’s original body/mind is up to - but hitching a ride in someone else’s might be a different story. if rome is aro/ace that could tie in - good doesn’t strike me as a voyeurism kinda guy... or maybe he just lucked out, idk.

dang this one feels like i’m really grasping for straws, why’d rome have to stay my favorite and somehow get next to no background yet, dang.

“aiguille” means “needle” in french. “de fil en aiguille” is a french saying, literally translates to “from thread to needle” but basically means “little by little” or “one thing leading to another” - moving from one thing to another, step by step. curious, what with all the thread-like, highly story-significant worms all over the place. plus, dylan’s particular specialty of using her worms like thread to “sew” people up; dylan, who was raised/morphed(?) to have such specialized skills either by or influenced by antony aiguille. and there’s the part where the aiguilles likely had a huge part to play in the initial near-extinction of the mandragora worms...

also, “anguille” means “eel” in french and for the life of me i can’t stop writing that instead of aiguille ffs.

also also, speaking of mandragora worms - crimson’s a human/mandragora hybrid (mandragora born in a human body), born with the usual 2 mandragora eyes and then a third, freak defective heart. king canary’s also a hybrid, except a hydragora/mandragora one(however that works). i’m guessing the mandragora part won out, since that’s how it usually seems to go between the two species, but what does that mean exactly?

did/does canary have 3 hearts - 2 mandra, 1 hydra? if so, how does antony’s becoming a sort’ve heart when he “fused” with canary play into it all?

some heart was used to fuel the creation of that meat pod and celadon (evident from that ugly turnip-ish looking thing amnesia!king pulled out of her finger) but which one was it?

my guess? which i suppose all of this is but still? it was the hydragora one. afterall it’s the hydragora worm kings that have the seeds, and king canary - if they (or evil mother as them) really did ever eat their father’s corpse - would be the sole worm in charge of the hekatonkheires (since they were made from one of his father’s seeds i think). it’d only make sense for any “seed information” to be stored in the corresponding species’ heart.

and it’d make everything waaaay easier for celadon if one of her bodies could control the main course of her eventual feast.

aeschylus has been “reborn” as a mandragora weed. weeds feed on worms, and he has amnesia to an extent - is he gonna be driven to kill worms now? did the weed do it’s job and make him forget about being a worm, or will he have some hang-ups about it? he remembers/is connected somehow with canary still... is that due to being knighted by king canary (who was actually evil mother att but w/e)?

if/when rome isn’t so ignorant about basically everything and more chill around non-humans - will he and aeschylus get along because yay killing worms? rome vaguely resembles leadman physically, and is kinda similarly empathetic - would aeschylus retain memories of him enough for that to affect how he sees rome? would being familiar with amnesia!king (who he'd remember because canary) give rome a leg up in case aeschylus remembers who killed his worm self?

aeschylus likely gets his name from an ancient greek actor that’s considered the father of tragedy - yay google for checking my spelling. anyway no one should be surprised when 2.0 weedman inevitably dies horribly. we all know kos enjoys doing it, lets not deny him that.

king canary’s body only has 8 seeds left according to antony. one was used to turn him into a worm heart-ish thing. evil mother likely used the other missing seed to create the mandragora weeds - which she planted inside aeschylus at some point while still piloting king canary’s body.

evil mother’s organization wants to wipe out humanity and is primarily comprised of hekatonkheires and hydragora worms - the worms that weeds eat. she also wanted almost desperately to revive her species. maybe having all those hydragoras in one place so to speak wasn’t simply utilizing a strong species...

could the disease she gave leadman be a sort of prototype of the weed? hm...

antony and dylan were doing experiments on worms, one of which was eventually aeschylus, the weed-bearing worm. one of those worms, licky, is/ends up being a weed. all/most of those worms had/have strange coloration for just common worms. antony claims he was close to curing aeschylus. were antony and dylan specifically experimenting with splicing/merging/whatever mandragora weeds with hydragora worms?

licky has some interesting patterns on their arms - kinda like a b-type hekaton’s. HMM.... more experimenting on antony’s part, or just an interesting subject? dylan couldn’t have been too involved, after all she didn’t know about hekatons.

it’s weird that king canary was alive but seemingly brain-dead before eating antony. could that be from worm/weed experimenting? could that explain king’s amnesia, that she was basically going through what we saw aeschylus 2.0 go through? ehh, feels like grasping at straws again...

and, to end on a different note...

mr. rotten’s original creator was randall, but the little guy didn’t get a franchise until relatively recent - like, 30ish(?) years before the present., about when fork was baby-kid age i think. so, who made mr. rotten into the franchise that it is?

my guess is rome and antony’s parent(s), or the third, unnamed aiguille brother. i could’ve sworn i remember seeing somewhere that rome was the eldest brother and antony was the youngest, leaving the unknown one to be the middlest brother, but i can’t find that info anywhere and i don’t feel like checking again.

anyway, my hope is that the unnamed third brother hasn’t shown up yet because he’s on wiggle world - being the guy in charge, or at least managing things. also he’s fat, like rembrandt. also maybe the least likely personality to be in charge of/ work at an amusement park moon based on a kid’s cartoon because he’s a no-nonsense, no-fun, business-minded butthead.

this is based on nothing but antony looking kinda like randall, rome’s weird, and there’s another bro that could look like rembrandt. except the last part, that’s just me being tickled by the irony of that character.

oh also, rembrandt - co-creator of the crosshatch unit, the most advanced AI ever, with a rather unique personality thanks to randall which rembrandt wasn’t too happy with. rock’s robot children/lackeys are known as rembots. where do the aiguilles fall on the HEEL/THUMB dichotomy, was that ever stated? hmm...

okay now i’m done, thanks for reading. if you didn’t, well

tl;dr - i think to much about a silly webcomic about worms.

[straane]

Motherworld (Ch.3/?)

Title: Motherworld

Author: strane-stelle

Fandom: Final Fantasy X

Central characters: Tidus

Rating: 12+

Chapters: 3/?  Chapter 1  Chapter 2  Chapter 4

Word count: 2809

Summary: “The fayth said it’s pointless to keep dreaming. The dream will disappear, he said. What did he mean?” After a long journey, Tidus finally gets to go home.

Warnings: Ton of OCs; idk, drug references??

Other comments: credit goes to @shuyiin​ for the idea.(or virtually the star player himself @leviathkand)  

Chapter 3 – Go with the Flow

"Someone order a wacko? With a side of 'runs in the family'?"

To be sure, it was a clichéd line, but it certainly got the attention of all seven Abes, as Tidus joined them a couple of minutes late in the changing room. Not that he wouldn't have turned heads in any case – he would, everywhere he went – but he'd fallen right back into his old bad habit of listening in.  

Nella shot up from the bench at once, beaming; to throw her arms around him. Tidus fell back about two steps – she was a head taller, and made of hard tricep and nothing else. There was a great sincerity about the gesture, hefty as it was – she was one of the two who had not uttered one bad word about their now scandal-ridden teammate. At worst, she had seemed worried.  

"Welcome back!"

Feeling ever so slightly patronized, and not for the first time today, Tidus quickly broke away and responded with a simple thanks. Granted, he knew that the extremely kind and extremely talented midfielder had meant no disrespect. Nella gave a wide smile – with something resembling relief or anticipation; perhaps both. She had changed her hairstyle, from shoulder-reaching dark curls to clipped darker curls with red streaks.

"Look, we're sorry," a less keen voice breathed over Nella's vast shoulder, irritated. The voice belonged to Edge – also the owner of a well-suited name. Everything about the man was pointed and pallid: eyes, hair, face, personality. The eldest on the team, at 36; he was hardly any sage or father figure, more like a drunk grandpa – disapproving of anything and everything, and starting petty disputes over anything and everything – sometimes, it seemed, his own opinion. In the pool, inexplicably, he'd then transform into a fantastic team player. "What'd you want us to say? What do you think everyone else is saying?"

Tidus didn't have to think, nor did anyone in the room. Teri shifted awkwardly in the corner, moving a strand of her inky short hair; with others mirroring her movements – there was never any telling whether their capable if rather reticent captain was about to say something. But this time Edge beat her to it, adding with a more placid tone, "Well, it's good to see you alive."

Everyone gave approving nods, and resumed practice preparations in a collective synchronized motion, encouraging Tidus to claim his usual spot on the bench as well. Although, after receiving a couple more welcome-backs and a domino effect of apologies, he'd barely gotten around to pulling the zipper on his bag, when he felt obliged to stand up again and spare a few more words. And again the room went frozen and silent.

Tidus rubbed his temples. "Hey, guys... I know it's a lot to ask, but can we not do this whole 'awkward' thing? You know I liked it a lot better when I was just the... y'know, talentless new kid who made the team 'cuz of his dad and nothing else..."

"That was almost two years ago," Nella reminded him, suddenly defensive. "You've more than proven yourself since and you know th--"

"Yeah, I know that," Tidus agreed. "And that was the fun part, proving myself to you guys! Because I knew I could! Just give me another chance, okay? Or even better... let's just focus on practice and not me, okay? Those Duggles are going down," he slammed a fist into his palm, with half-earnest enthusiasm, "right?"

There was a string of half-hearted nods, and a couple of excited ones. That was good enough for Tidus.

Lately, Tidus had began to compartmentalize. Sure, he had witnessed an eerie sight on his very doorstep less than a week ago – heard it talk, even – and if nothing else; for Tidus himself, it had served as a final confirmation; vanquisher of all remaining doubt: Spira was real. He had not hallucinated anything, nor indulged an escapist fantasy or started to believe his own lies – it was all real. And sure, he still missed that place – terribly – this was about as far as he could look back, before it simply became too much. And sure, his life here remained unchanged; messy and vaguely melancholic; with new rumors sprouting up at every turn like Sinspawn; his recently expanded PR team refusing some 90 interviews per day; his plentiful caretakers studying his very breathing for signs – any signs. Even all positive remainders of his old life would appear exactly that: old. Worn-down. Ill-fitting.  

But what was he to do? Since the fleeting encounter with the fiend from the other side, he'd not had the pleasure of beholding any additional otherwordly visions, nor had he heard voices or run into any mystical hooded children telling him not to cry (and boy, did he at times want to). So what if a dying demonic animal had transcended time and space just to tell him hi, how did that help him in any way? He'd certainly not been able to help the poor soul. If he didn't know how to reverse the stunt, what was the point of chewing it over?

And just the day before, in a passing moment of clarity, Tidus had finally found a solution. He had finally resolved in his heart to do what he should have done from day one. What Leo referred to as damage control, he would dub making the best of here and now. He would once again let go, surrender to the flow; tag along on a journey he'd never planned to take. He would moderate his responses to Dr. Cidron's questions; eventually phase them into retraction and denial. He would nod along as needed. He would heed Leo's every command. He would play with the Abes again. He would live a life; he would be his old self again.

In the depths of his soul, he would know the truth; in his heart; he would always treasure Yuna. But for now, to save his skin – he'd wear his old one. He didn't have a choice; it was the only thing he could do – he'd give in, he'd accept, he'd believe. He'd allow it to be true.

This was his new reality, and he was stuck in it for good.

--

The post-storm reconstruction had recently extended over to the pool area as well. The Abes' temporary practice field turned out to be a quite a far cry from what they were used to: a far smaller and simpler watery orb – a puddle almost – filled with; seemingly; lower-quality liquids. The proportions, the layout, Tidus observed; trying hard not to get snobby at a time like this; were all almost beginner-level. Not a lot of room for improvement, he couldn't help but indulge a smidge of that snobbiness, quite literally! Oh well, he then figured, wasn't going back to the basics his plan in any case?

They'd been marching to the pool entrance in a near-perfect line; the air still a bit strained for casual chat, when Frion suddenly broke the formation and ran to Tidus's side. Tidus turned his head in anticipation, and the white-haired youth hesitated a moment before whispering, just as they reached the gateway, "You cleared all the... tests, right?"

There was one thing that Tidus was determined never to 'confess'; not even to steer suspicions; or to give an easy excuse, and it was forbidden substances. He'd done well with Sin's toxin back on Besaid – and here it was again on everyone's lips, whether he liked it or not – but these were totally taboo; his no-good drunkard dad would've disapproved. Well before his own breakthrough; as Tidus vaguely recalled; there had been one case with a particularly nasty sort; one that would simultaneously enchance performance and cause hallucinations. In the end, the offender; a slightly older player if his memory served; had barely lived, and happily admitted to having made a terrible mistake. The incident had since been swept under the rug – mercifully – as a dirty black spot in the oft-glamorized blitz history. But for every blitz fan and every sports magazine that tried their best to forget, there was also one of each that remembered – and that wanted to know the truth about the more recent events; the truth about 'the toxin'.      

"You think I'd be here if I didn't?"

Leo, Bern, Dr. Cidron and even Evy were all watching from the stands; Leo looking as though he wanted to produce a forbidden substance from his person right away; Bern buried in a book, sparing a listless glance now and then; Dr. Cidron trying to decide whether to cheer or worry or both; and Evy most definitely settled on cheering – she was as big a fan as ever.

Shortly before Tidus's disappearance, the blitzball powers-that-be had approved for test runs a new type of game-supplementary machina: a set of minuscule earphones and mouthpieces that allowed the players to communicate during the game. As it turned out, the technology had been freshly confirmed as official equipment to be used at the coming Jecht Legacy Cup (a Jecht Memorial Cup relaunch). Tidus had actually conducted one of the test runs himself – a mere week pre-Spira – naturally; as not too long ago he'd been the go-to poster boy of the new blitz generation. On that account, figuring out how the device worked was not the problem – and there wasn't really a problem – only a momentary feeling of mixed nostalgia and detachment as Teri very deliberately handed the headset to Tidus at the pool entrance. He really was back.

Technically, Teri was only the team captain, not the coach – but she effectively did double duty just as Wakka had, as their actual coach was far more interested in his 90% ownership of the team. Hirans, who in Tidus's opinion bore a striking resemblance to Kinoc, was neither a sportsman or even sportsmanlike in any way imaginable, and it was only by some clever navigation through bureaucratic technicalities that he'd been able to snatch the title of coach at all. He'd also been notably absent from Tidus's now infamous press conference, and had since practically gone into hiding, by the looks of it. Dreams or not, Tidus mused, people here sure loved to pretend: fake coach, nominal agent, lazy bodyguard.

"Alright, hope everyone's loving the widgets," Teri addressed the team as they swam into the pool, her own expression betraying a certain level of reservation. There were some cautious murmurs of approval, echoing through everyone's heads – Edge and Arret were covering their ears, apparently fearing that the microscopic gizmo would fall right off at the first wrong movement. Tidus could hardly believe that in something at least, he was actually ahead of the curve (and definitely no thanks to Spira). Juggling two blitzballs above his head, while others still bombarded Teri with questions, he was as ready for some tussle as could be.

"Hey," Nella suddenly gave Tidus a gentle nudge on the shoulder – startling him, and making him lose the ball, "you belong here. You always have." Tidus tried to scrabble for the runaway ball with his both arms and one leg, too; only to fumble the attempt. He gave her a nervous chuckle, which she returned. He appreciated the sentiment – but there was something about the passing moment of clumsiness that suddenly filled him with stress.

The first half of the practice was just alright. Tidus was on the same team with all of his harshest doubters, who also happened to be the ones struggling the most with the new technology. He was hardly at the top of his game himself, still feeling a little disconnected with the environment, and not only because it had recently shrunken in size. The other team, in turn, almost seemed to be going easy on them – or him – sometimes bordering on unprofessional levels. (This was not going unnoticed by Leo, either, judging by his rather lively body language.) The teams mostly relied on basic commands such as 'Catch!', 'No!', 'Come on!', 'Go Riona!' – which would've been easy enough to convey by the traditional non-verbal methods – and at times there was confusion as to who was addressing whom. The first ten minutes were far from a disaster, just markedly tame and tortuous at the same time – and goal-free. Goal-attempt-free, if one squinted – and not because there had been such high-caliber, evenly matched skill on display.

Bern, Dr. Cidron and Evy all departed for work after the first half – of course, Tidus would've been the work, had it not been for Leo's request to meet the boy in private after the practice. Tidus thought he saw the agent exchange a few words with Evy before she turned to leave – an apology for the press conference? The man could feel empathy?

Inexplicably, even the more skeptic fellow Abes seemed to have warmed up to Tidus by the half-time break – after he'd done literally nothing to deserve it. Perhaps nothing was more than enough – whether they'd been expecting him to start selling bags of powder mid-match, or just have a customary nervous breakdown, Tidus wasn't sure, but they were all giving him pats on the shoulder and even sparing some compliments, 'Still got it!'; 'Well, you are full of surprises!' What 'it' and 'surprises' referred to; and how exactly they'd been involved in the most uneventful practice session of all time; Tidus also wasn't sure, but he did feel heartened by the very subtle clap of hands that Edge indicated towards him.  

The second half began in somewhat more vigorous spirits, when the opposing side went on the maximum offensive within the first ten seconds. Tidus finally got something to do as he near single-handedly managed to fend off the first scoring attempt, by throwing himself hard against one of the goalposts – and poor Nella, who'd been floating right up there stalking the goal area. Even with the increased resistance from the lower-quality liquids, and her matching if not greater body weight, she was flung quite a distance across the field, all the way to the pool entrance; which she thankfully didn't hit.

"Nella!" Tidus yelped after her, along with the others. "Are you okay?"

They never got a clear answer. From the other side of the pool, they could just see Nella straightening her back, unharmed; shaking her head a little and then starting towards them – only to lose sight of her completely, when there was a sudden outpour of something swift and green, swimming up from behind her and towards them. The headsets immediately turned into a hearing hazard.

"What...?! What are-- are those... fiends?!"

"How'd they get in? Wha-- I haven't seen one in years!"

"Nella!" Tidus shrieked, but there was no time to wait for a reply. Neither was there time to think – the swarm was huge, huge enough to block their single exit – and the fish's apparent entry point. But his fellow Abes were no cowards, and Frion had already grabbed one of the four practice blitzballs floating about – it was time Tidus took a leaf out of Wakka's book as well. Out of the corner of his eye, Tidus could see Leo in the stands, tearing out his hair in absolute horror.  

The battle with the aquatic beasts was brief and chaotic. Tidus and Frion took out at least a dozen each, Riona joined in with a third ball after a failed escape attempt, and Teri had just located the fourth makeshift weapon when – just as quickly as they had emerged –  the swarm began to vanish; dissolve into those bright, tailed lights.

This time, there we no parting words – the creatures faded away in near-complete silence, with only a distant sound of streaming water flowing through their technologically enhanced ears. Everyone seemed to be doubting their own senses – what exactly had happened, and why were they having an adrenaline rush?

"Hey," a shaky voice then spoke, and nobody seemed to care who it was exactly, "where's Nella?"

Tidus whirled around wildly. All eyes were on him.

"I..."

But she was gone. Nella was gone; without a trace, as abruptly and as definitively as the swarm of infernal fish that had ambushed her. The pool gate loomed bleakly on the other side of the field, not too far from them in the tiny watery sphere, tightly shut and empty of intruders.  

Tidus felt a sudden thwack against his back, then another, and then; with one grip of his collar; Edge span Tidus around, tightening his grab as he struck his teammate on the chest, "You what?! What'd you do?! Where is she?!"  

Teri tried to break the two apart, but her arms were still trembling, and she received a thump on the shoulder as well.

Tidus was as shocked as anyone. The blows had barely hurt.

"I... I think she went to Spira."

[julystorms]

I blame @goodguyjean for this since we were talking about AUs last night, but I was thinking about modern AUs today: specifically how many of them just...fall flat to me. Like in theory they sound easy and fun to write! But you’re transplanting characters into a completely different world, man. You can’t just give them your own interests and let ‘em go??? And I mean, people write these adorable “how they met” stories but none of the characters ever seem to be in character; it’s like the scenario just seems cute so people use it regardless as to whether or not the characters would actually do those things/say that stuff/et cetera.

And of course if you’re writing a long’fic, you have to consider the ramifications of the choices you’ve made, of the lives you’ve plunked the characters down into. Which sometimes means amazing fanfiction but usually means the entire premise the author started with falls on its goddamned face.

I mean you can write artist!Jean! It’s not implausible! But he has to actually feel like Jean. This is one of the reasons businessman!Levi doesn’t jive with me. I can’t see it? I’ve always seen him working lower-profile jobs like being on the janitorial staff somewhere. He’s not the kind of person who wants to be in the limelight. Levi can’t feel like Levi if he’s spiffily dressed with a gold pocketwatch--not unless he’s undercover for some reason (and probably doing a mediocre job of it, tbh). Businessman!Mike makes me kind of uncomfortable, too. He’s another character who doesn’t strike me as the sort of person who would do well in that kind of a position, not generally speaking, anyway. This is YMMV material though, since his character is only barely established and I see him as a very hands-on person: construction, maybe engineering, plumber, carpenter, roofing, et cetera. I think in some situations I could be sold on Mike as a businessman if he’s in a position that makes sense to his character, where he doesn’t have to talk overmuch and mingle for pleasure with random people--and also it works a little better if it’s a job Erwin secured for him via Connections. That said, I think fandom tends to think only skin-deep regarding the characters. Well, Mike’s 6′5′’ and imposing looking, so of course he’d look sharp in a suit! Well...yes. And he’d be a great bouncer. And various other things. But would he actually take a job like that? And what kind of childhood did he have? Teenage years? What kind of personality is he in possession of? Is it one suited for this kind of work or would he lose his job/credibility quickly? 

Fandom likes to dump things like careers and living situations on characters in modern settings without bothering to think about what makes sense for the characters and their finances. Hitch in fashionable clothes only makes sense if she has the means to access this stuff: a really good job? Upper middle class parents? She can sew her own? Like she might seem like the sort of character who wants to look fashionable but that doesn’t mean her upbringing and history and current situation really allow for it. You know?

Like everyone wants to write Petra as a kindergarten teacher, and it’s not that the idea doesn’t work at all: she looks the part and she would be so kind to the kids! It’s that fandom does it because she’s kind of small and she’s a woman and she looks like a kindergarten teacher. Everyone expects it? But it only fits if it’s something she’s extremely passionate about, if it challenges her mind--like she teaches for an inner-city school and she feels needed and necessary and like she’s making a big difference. She’s passionate about trying to get these kids the education they deserve and need, about bringing her own supplies in with money she doesn’t really have, just so that they can have that. Bringing in snacks on her own dime for the little ones who don’t always get enough at home so that they can focus on learning so they can move up in the world. Petra teaching at a ritzy private school doesn’t...work. Not for her character. She’s not that kind of person. It doesn’t fit. She’s more a nosy journalist than a comfortable teacher. She needs to be challenged by her work in a good way.

And I mean, I’m all about turning fandom’s expectations for an AU upside-down, but those have to work, too. Gelgar as a chef of a like greasy spoon sorta place. Nanaba as an editor or college professor. Jean as a police officer. Marco in law. Henning the UPS guy. Nifa a professional volleyball player. Mikasa in accounting. Sasha doing data entry. Eren into programming. Mike as a nurse in a nursing home.

People seem to have very specific ideas of the kinds of jobs that are available in the world, and everyone dives after “generic businessman” because it’s just...easy to be really vague about? Bro, I am not about that life and very few people end up in that kind of a position. Lots of people do CSR work for years and if you can stick that out and get promoted, you’ll probably have an easy job that pays pretty darn well compared to the work you have to put in. There’s no shame in people who manage chain restaurants or supervise second shift in a factory. In fact, those are the kinds of jobs most people end up in. Why not your characters, too? I never imagined I’d end up where I am. There were so many jobs people easily saw me in (teaching, police work, SaHM, veterinary medicine, fitness) and what I ended up doing, in order, was: fast food, factory work, HR assistant/receptionist, CSR, writing/analysis tutor, and billing.

I guess...nothing pulls me out of an AU faster than characters who all seem to have high-end jobs they ended up in...by like...some kind of magic? For most jobs there’s schooling, apprenticeships... And even then there’s a ladder to climb. Grades can and do matter in competitive fields. Grades in difficult fields tend to be lower (electrical engineering vs. the liberal arts) and in fields where positions need filled, they hardly matter so long as you get a degree.

Even if they already have the job, I want to see the journey somehow. I don’t want to read a story where it feels like the characters were magically granted their positions as CEOs of some big-wig company.

So like, artist!Jean could be really, really fun to write. He could easily be a brutally honest traditional artist* who does oil paintings and really likes his field and is here for a degree, not to make it rich doing shows or making nice with the wealthy. Art can still be a passion for him. He’s just the sort of person who sees the world as it is and knows how competitive the field is and doesn’t want to struggle for years on the off-chance that he will get established. He’d rather get a boring 9-5 and come home to spend his free time doing art. It stays fun that way; he remains passionate about it. But his day job is like, data entry for a medical company.

Anyway this didn’t have a point to it except to say that I really wish I could enjoy AUs more. It’s just hard for me because I tend to overthink things? Like, to expand a little more, you’re at your job more than you’re at home talking to your significant other before bed, usually. You spend a lot of time there. And lots of people work in unexpected fields but like, their reaction to working in a career that doesn’t fit them needs to actually exist. Maybe Mike is a businessman and hates it or is super uncomfortable in that position because he’s not very good with Words and can’t keep up with the kind of snide office shenanigans that other characters like Erwin might thrive on or find a welcome challenge. He’s still doing it, though, for [insert reason here like he has a kid to support/bills to pay/he failed at doing something else and is afraid of instability]. Mike as a person who relies on people understanding him without him needing to say much wouldn’t do very well in an environment that requires him to talk a lot and be clear and concise. He probably knows this isn’t a good fit for him, it probably makes him anxious, but man what do you do if you have a kid at home depending on you? A mortgage?

Or maybe you have Historia as a pianist but HAHA SURPRISE she actually sucks?? And the support she’s receiving is like...totally unfounded...

And then artist!Jean who works doing data entry for a medical company as mentioned above. He thinks it’s boring AF and he really wants to kick Eren, the company’s programmer, into the dirt for not putting out fixes fast enough for issues in the software he designed... But overall he’s pretty okay with his job because it gives him the money to buy art supplies and pay rent on an apartment that has an extra bedroom--one he uses specifically for his art. He has no splendorous dreams for himself; he doesn’t see his job as “just temporary”; he just lives his life the best way he knows how and the story that’s being told around this backdrop takes into account the fact that he has a job and a hobby that take up a lot of his time.

Because like, people aren’t their jobs...but they do take up a large part of their day. In a romance I don’t need a play-by-play of every single day of work, ‘cause Eren staring at code for 37 pages doesn’t seem like much fun to write or read...but as a writer who is in Eren’s head, you can’t really escape the fact that work is a huge part of his life and probably who he is--to the extent, anyway, that that huge bug fix that needs to be done by Monday? Is something he can’t...escape from. He’s thinking about it all weekend. Even if he doesn’t want to. Because it’s a big part of the life he lives. Even if romance is the focus of the story and the plot, when you forget to include these kinds of things the characters tend to feel ... kind of hollow. Like they couldn’t possibly exist as people because they never seem to be at work or never think about work or don’t really seem to have any real hobbies or interests that don’t move the plot...?

Anyway idk where I was going with this lmao. I love AUs but so many of them just don’t work for me. I’m probably just weird though. :P

*this is basically my brother so i could write this convincingly lmao and lemme tell you what there are a lot of people majoring in art who can’t stand criticism i can practically HEAR critique circles with jean in them as i type this!!