#very unhappy right now. this has hurt me dot tweet

[harrowdubois]

okay, i said if there was interest i would think about making a post listing all the references i squeezed into the locked tomb fic i spent the last month or so writing, and now i’ve realised i don’t care if there’s interest because i want to be self-indulgent SO

under the cut is a (somewhat spoilery) chronological list of all the memes, vines, and cribbed tumblr posts, as well as homages to various books, tv shows, song lyrics, etc. that made their way into blessed with a wilder mind! 

(cw for suicide mention)

this is of course a reference to the legendary bodybuilding forum thread where they did, actually, argue over how many days there are in a week (cw for ableist slurs in the thread)

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buzzfeed unsolved meme. i am dirt and i love to eat dirt

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this is so well-known it’s almost not worth listing it but oh my god they were roommates

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in itself, this isn’t a reference to anything in particular, but if you didn’t do this on your first read then i’d recommend taking another look at this scene and thinking about the specific wuthering heights/frankenstein/rebecca excerpts discussed by harrow and mercymorn but in relation to canon!harrow’s trauma/relationship with the body in htn :~) 

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also not really a reference to anything in particular but when i looked back over the fic for this post it struck me that the ‘sex panther’ phrasing was probably at least partially unconsciously inspired by the shoebox project (professor mcgonagall’s oiled man panther was a formative moment for me, truly)

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cw gross/unsanitary: it’s the tinder poop window incident. i mentioned this in the end notes of the fic as being what i had in mind for that scene but if it’s too gross for you (UNDERSTANDABLY) then feel free to Death Of The Author me to your heart’s content!

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i listened to a lot of orville peck while writing this

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 very very very loosely inspired by this clickhole article

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respectively: fourth of july by sufjan stevens / wuthering heights by emily bronte

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TWO BROS, CHILLIN IN A HOT TUB, FIVE FEET APART BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT GAY

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there was absolutely no need to stretch this across three paragraphs, and yet

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iconic

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i already linked to this one in the end notes of the fic itself, but it’s good, so here it is again

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 i can’t find the actual original post but it’s this fucking horrible thing 

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the last line is a reference to the secret history by donna tartt:

“Could it be because it reminds us that we are alive, of our mortality, of our individual souls- which, after all, we are too afraid to surrender but yet make us feel more miserable than any other thing? But isn't it also pain that often makes us most aware of self? It is a terrible thing to learn as a child that one is a being separate from the world, that no one and no thing hurts along with one's burned tongues and skinned knees, that one's aches and pains are all one’s own. Even more terrible, as we grow old, to learn that no person, no matter how beloved, can ever truly understand us. Our own selves make us most unhappy, and that's why we're so anxious to lose them, don't you think?”

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a lyrical double whammy!

from ‘last words of a shooting star’ by mitski: “they’ll never know how i’d stared at the dark in that room with no thoughts like a blood-sniffing shark”

from ‘a better son/daughter’ by rilo kiley: “sometimes in the morning i am petrified but can’t move/awake but cannot open my eyes” 

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*

shout-out to maybe my single favourite video game moment, the encounter with the sky cat in night in the woods: “There is a hole at the center of everything, and it is always growing. Between the stars I am seeing it. It is coming, and you are not escaping, and the universe is forgetting you, and the universe is being forgotten, and there is nothing to remember it, not even the things beyond. And now there is only the hole... You are atoms, and your atoms are not caring if you are existing. Your atoms are monstrous existence.”

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“Nothing is ever fulfilled, not until the very end.” - rust cohle, true detective s1, this reference is VERY tonally dissonant because in context it’s actually grim as all hell but w/e w/e i couldn’t resist the shout-out

also harrow quotes from the goldfinch again here! i had the reference included before i read this post and realised tamsyn muir also quotes from the secret history in htn. terrible synergy 

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they are in fact all real. you’re welcome

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this one’s doing a lot of work lmao. it’s paying homage to this quote by tamsyn muir talking about the draco-in-leather-pants trope in relation to ianthe by loosely referencing drop dead gorgeous, the best drarry fic ever written, in which harry is part veela

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“It's a very Greek idea, and a very profound one. Beauty is terror. Whatever we call beautiful, we quiver before it. And what could be more terrifying and beautiful, to souls like the Greeks or our own, than to lose control completely? To throw off the chains of being for an instant, to shatter the accident of our mortal selves? Euripides speaks of the Maenads: head thrown I back, throat to the stars, "more like deer than human being." To be absolutely free! One is quite capable, of course, of working out these destructive passions in more vulgar and less efficient ways. But how glorious to release them in a single burst! To sing, to scream, to dance barefoot in the woods in the dead of night, with no more awareness of mortality than an animal! These are powerful mysteries. The bellowing of bulls. Springs of honey bubbling from the ground. If we are strong enough in our souls we can rip away the veil and look that naked, terrible beauty right in the face; let God consume us, devour us, unstring our bones. Then spit us out reborn.” - that’s right it’s another reference to the secret history, with a little bit of mary oliver (tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?) sprinkled on top for flavour

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a small one, but it’s the goldfinch again: “And I feel I have something very urgent and serious to say to you, my non-existent reader, and I feel I should say it as urgently as if I were standing in the room with you...”

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my FUCKING cinnamon apple

 what if i... put my minecraft bed.... next to yours... aha ha just kidding.... unless?

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[cw: suicide discussion in these next two]

*

robyn can have little a rust cohle quote, as a treat.

1. “I'd consider myself a realist, all right? But in philosophical terms I'm what's called a pessimist... I think human consciousness is a tragic misstep in evolution. We became too self-aware. Nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself. We are creatures that should not exist by natural law... We are things that labor under the illusion of having a self, that accretion of sensory experience and feelings, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody's nobody... I think the honorable thing for our species to do is to deny our programming. Stop reproducing, walk hand in hand into extinction; one last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal.”

2. “This... This is what I'm talking about. This is what I mean when I'm talkin' about time, and death, and futility. All right, there are broader ideas at work, mainly what is owed between us as a society for our mutual illusions. Fourteen straight hours of staring at DBs, these are the things you think of. You ever done that? You look in their eyes, even in a picture, doesn't matter if they're dead or alive, you can still read 'em. You know what you see? They welcomed it... Not at first, but... right there in the last instant. It's an unmistakable relief. See, cause they were afraid, and now they saw for the very first time how easy it was to just... let go. Yeah, they saw, in that last nanosecond, they saw... what they were. You, yourself, this whole big drama, it was never more than a jerry-rig of presumption and dumb will, and you could just let go. To finally know that you didn't have to hold on so tight. To realize that all your life - you know, all your love, all your hate, all your memories, all your pain - it was all the same thing. It was all the same dream, a dream that you had inside a locked room, a dream about being a person.”

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ahaaa this one’s particularly rough. evil monkey no one alive dot jpg

“Later, that dozy embrace solidified in his memory as the single moment of artless, charmed happiness in their separate and difficult lives. Nothing marred it, even the knowledge that Ennis would not then embrace him face to face because he did not want to see or feel that it was Jack he held. And maybe, he thought, they’d never got much farther than that. Let be, let be.” - annie proulx, brokeback mountain

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a TRIPLE lyrical whammy!

- harrow’s words to gideon in the dream are a bit of a vague reference to the song ‘adventures in solitude’ by the new pornographers (”we thought we lost you/welcome back”) - gideon’s words to harrow are a reference to the song ‘blush’ by wolf alice (”you’ve got two hands to take all you can/but don’t take too long”) - what harrow texts to gideon is a line from ‘about today’ by the national, aka the most devastating song ever written (”hey, are you awake?/yeah i’m right here”...)

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i CANNOT find a clip of it but harrow’s repetition of “life is short... it’s short” was me paraphrasing from memory a line from pride (2014), because i am the worst

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spooky scary skeletons! 

“jail for gideon” is obviously a reference to the “jail for mother” tweet that tm also referenced in htn. so, not original in the slightest, but it’s a great tweet

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one of my favourite tumblr posts

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because naberius tern absolutely would watch rick and morty. he would. i know it in my heart. 

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and that’s it, i think. hope you enjoyed this horrid little post and my horrid little fic!

[haich-slash-cee]

Is the print publishing world picking up online/fandom terms? How they are using them? How do we feel about this?

So this is... attention-getting, for folks who like to follow publishing and meta stuff.

https://twitter.com/sapphicxrey/status/1215065948677443584

https://twitter.com/TorDotComPub/status/1233391556750647299

(2nd tweet -- TW, mentions of non-con)

Are we seeing the beginnings of book publishers directly borrowing from online/fandom culture in promoting their books? How do we feel about these examples?

More below cut.

Exhibit #1: screenshots of Bonds of Brass promo from Jan 8 2020. (Which is probably going to have reactions of “haha, cute” at most.)

Transcript of blurb: 

“If you like... 

forbidden romances, “there’s only one bed”, cityships, weaponized umbrellas, powersuits, secret princes, best friends, best friends PINING, fake dating between PINING best friends, tactical streaking, the minivan of starships, cigar-chomping cyborg ladies, scary empress moms, galactic-level bisexual disasters, LEGACY (WHAT IS A LEGACY?), rooftop hopping, golden trios, rumblin’ drums, bootleg fireworks, BIG SPACE BATTLES PEW PEW, a surprisingly functional public transit system, mob trouble, one hell of a pilot, the inherent DRAMA of empire, a nice interlude in a river, smoking a joint that’s been on the floor, sick stunts, slick grifts, hiding in a dumpster, or any combination of the above,

 Then you might like 

BONDS OF BRASS”

The Twitter responses seem to be generally enthusiastic. (And also, “FinnPoe! FinnPoe!”)

Personally, I’m intrigued from a meta-view of “oh so that’s definitely pulling from online world and fanfiction world, interesting. I wonder how much fanfiction culture is starting to influence print book culture and promotion.” Maybe I’ve got some questions like, “Ok so moneymaking companies such as Penguin are now using culture developed by the not-moneymaking-world of fanfiction? How do we feel about this?” Anyway, the book looks cute, I’m interested enough and I might get it from the library.

I suspect many people’s reactions are along the lines of “hm, interesting”, “sounds like a lark”, or “haha they’re using AO3 tags as promo”, etc. 

Exhibit #2, screenshots of DOCILE promo, from Feb 28 2020 (today is March 1 2020), and screenshots of Twitter responses so far:

(*CW, non-con discussion)

Tweet transcript:

“DOCILE by @KMSzpara:  

-Dubcon/Noncon 

-Dramatic Trillionaire Content 

-BDSM and then some more BDSM and then a lot more BDSM

 -Hurt/comfort and hurt/no comfort

 -Cinnamon roll of steel 

-The most scandalous kink: love 

-Courtroom, bedroom, & Preakness drama

[Tor book website link]”

So this is getting mixed reactions on Twitter. All dozen or so reactions, so far. Here’s text transcripts and bio info from repliers, below. I’m being a little obsessive, mostly to show that there’s a mix of queer, book-ish people in the replies (including the author).)

Noncon is nonconsentual sex, rape. Even in fandom it's a content tag, not a promotional term. I can't imagine being a rape survivor and seeing this come across my TL. -- @WriteSomeGood [queer rainbow] [Cis queer homemaker, aspiring author, maker of incredible cinnamon buns. She/her] [has a Tumblr page]

I’m not a survivor but it was an instant “no thank you” from me. And I was sincerely looking forward to this prior to. This is the most immediately off-putting marketing push I’ve seen for a book in a long damn time. -- @AGAWilmot [Author, editor, artist. Co-EIC of @anathemaspec. @SFU alum. The Death Scene Artist/W&W 2018. Ace/enby. They/them. Horror is my comfort food.]

Whichever intern wrote this tweet, deserves a full time job. With benefits. -- @simeontsanev [Aspiring writer, post-aspiring musician, and overall geek  He/Him /[queer rainbow]/ To the world we dream about, and the one we live in now! http://simeontsanev.com]

Idk why everyone thinks it’s always an intern writing copy and not a team comprised of extremely skilled social media experts, editors, publicists and marketers, and their assistants  I worked on those tags with my editor and a good friend!! -- @KMSzpara [Kellan. [queer rainbow]  Speculative fiction writer. Queer agenda.  Hugo & Nebula finalist.  DOCILE 3/3/20 from Tor Dot Com Publishing.  He/him.  Rep @suddenlyjen] *The author, bio page and twitter page.

this is CUTE! -- @MSSciarappa  [queer rainbow] I do books. he/him.

I am Extremely Ready for this content thank u -- @JessicaBCooper [Journo ☽ Writer of faerie, villain fuckery & cruel desires ☽ Lestat & Loki's love child ☽ Aleksander Morozova's side-hoe ☽ Rep'd by Kate Testerman @ktliterary]

I’m listening -- @MerynLobb [Government worker. Weightlifter. Nihilist. Aspiring cult leader. Avid user of words, often bad ones. #AMM R6 Mentee. she/her]

Soon! Soon!! -- @castrophony [Geek. Gamer. Cosplayer. Bibliophile. Scientist. She/Her.]

[happy reaction gif] -- @TorDotComPub [Providing a home for writers to tell SFF stories in exactly the number of words they choose. All our titles are available globally in print and DRM-free ebook.]

[throwing stuff in dumpster, unhappy reaction gif] -- @cursedgravy  [name's xavi, im a transman and i like to daydream about making content] 

For more context, here’s the blurb from the author website. Below is the blurb from the publisher’s site:

“Docile

K.M. Szpara

K. M. Szpara's Docile is a science fiction parable about love and sex, wealth and debt, abuse and power, a challenging tour de force that at turns seduces and startles.

There is no consent under capitalism.

To be a Docile is to be kept, body and soul, for the uses of the owner of your contract. To be a Docile is to forget, to disappear, to hide inside your body from the horrors of your service. To be a Docile is to sell yourself to pay your parents' debts and buy your children's future.

Elisha Wilder’s family has been ruined by debt, handed down to them from previous generations. His mother never recovered from the Dociline she took during her term as a Docile, so when Elisha decides to try and erase the family’s debt himself, he swears he will never take the drug that took his mother from him.

Too bad his contract has been purchased by Alexander Bishop III, whose ultra-rich family is the brains (and money) behind Dociline and the entire Office of Debt Resolution. When Elisha refuses Dociline, Alex refuses to believe that his family’s crowning achievement could have any negative side effects—and is determined to turn Elisha into the perfect Docile without it.

Content warning: Docile contains forthright depictions and discussions of rape and sexual abuse.”

So that’s a lot of info and reactions.

Personally: at first glance, I absently skimmed the tweet and “hurt/comfort” popped out, and I was like “What? Mainstream publishing is cool with this now? I was wondering if ‘hurt/comfort’ would one day become commonly used in publishing [related post]. But this is way sooner than I thought.” And then I read the rest of of the tweet and thought, “Wait, what?” 

And then I started reading through the tweet replies and thought, “OK, at the risk of getting a bunch of Tumblr drama, I want to bring this to the whump community and see how people feel."

As for myself, one of my squicks is non-con, and I’m not really interested in hurt/no comfort. So just from the tweet, I know the book is not for me. The official blurbs confirmed that. In this sense, this is like skimming Ao3 tags on a fic and saying “pass” on a story.

However, I have questions about the specific promotion of the book. So the official blurbs are pretty standard. What about that tweet, which Tor (and the author, who helped put it together) put out? Because I think an official publisher’s Tweet comes with different context than Ao3 tags.

First, the different internet spaces. You can filter tags on Ao3 and Tumblr. I know you can mute words on Twitter, but is that the same thing? Also, would people be expecting these tags on Twitter? Compared to Ao3 or Tumblr or Tumblr Whump spaces?

Within the Tumblr Whump community, from what I’ve browsed, the community attitude (guidelines?) seem to be “Write and discuss what you want. Be sure to tag it, use content warnings, or otherwise clearly communicate if you have things that may be triggering. Respect people’s squicks/triggers. Walk away from what you don’t like.” Like, tumblr whump has a very specific culture of trying to balance discourse/stories about potentially very dark stuff, but also wanting to make sure the IRL people and Tumblr users are okay. There’s always posts going around about how to do this, are we doing this in the right way, ethics, so on. Also -- and people can correct me -- the whump tumblr space might be where tags are content warnings for people to stay away, and also what people might actively look for. So if any space is going to discuss if this promotional tweet checks out, I feel like it’s this space. 

Also, to note again, Tor Tweets are in the money-official-publisher-world, not unpaid-tumblr-people or unpaid-fanfiction-fandom-world.

Maybe I just want to ask, “Hey those first two tweet responses, does they have a point? Tor using ‘noncon’ as official promotion? On Twitter?” I mean, I’ve previously written, “The CW and TW tags that Ao3 writers use, I really wish those were used with published books as well.” But somehow, the Tor tweet was not quite what I was expecting. Maybe for reasons similar to that first tweet response. (I guess one could debate if a tweet is really promotion or just information... you know what someone can correct me, but I’m gonna say that a Tor.com tweet is promotion, compared to information like Ao3, and that tweet was there for promotion.)

Those tags operate within specific Ao3 and Tumblr cultures and infrastructure. I don’t hang around Twitter for whump stuff, IDK what the culture is. Anyway, does dropping these tags into a promotional tweet from Tor.... translate?

The tweet is evidently gathering the people who are there for it, and the people who aren’t there for it are quickly realizing that they are not there for it. But personally, the Tor website blurb does a better job at that, using writing that I’d expect from a publisher for communicating fictional non-con situations. (Maybe the blurb content warnings are what I wanted more of, when I said I wished for CW and TW in books.)

Anyway, there’s no huge drama about that Docile book promo on Twitter, as far as I can tell. So this is a niche thing, right now. But. The promo for Bonds of Brass and for Docile might be the beginnings of a trend of well-known book publishers borrowing from online writing / fandom culture and terminology in order to promote or categorize their books. These two promos might set a precedent or have other significance.

So if anyone has discourse on the tweets or potential future trends... 

[yamlog]

before february comes

ok so like, it is one thing to know about smth hurtful when it has just happened but it is A COMPLETELY OTHER THING ALTOGETHER to be asked about it by someone who for some reason, thought that you knew all along all these months WHEN YOU DIDN’T. and why would i? did i not say many many times that i am NOT going to keep up? i am actively avoiding, i am keeping my feed clean and free from distractions, i NEVER look at my explore page except to follow very specific hashtags. i have been PROTECTING my peace of mind and sanity with all my energy and effort for like, what, 1.5 years. for good reason. and then to be asked (borderline informed) something so PREPOSTEROUS. do you know how sick i felt when i heard? i was trying to work and it became impossible because my brain was so confused i started feeling nauseas. i had to skip dinner and immediately take action instead of letting that horrible feeling burrow deeper into my chest. i didn’t even have to see anything in person. people sent me screenshots, telling me that they will look at it on my behalf and i shouldn’t go and see. and that’s not even the worst thing. the worst thing is all the consolation messages that came from SO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE later on, coming out and confessing and saying they knew and they suspected but they didn’t want to tell me because they knew i’d be shocked and disgusted and upset and they wanted to protect me from the news because i was trying to pass practicum. and i love them for that, i really do. my friends really just do want the best for me and they are not willing to start a war or actively do anything, but they do care enough to message me in private to share their thoughts on the matter. i got so many ‘i saw her story and i was so surprised,” “it’s such a shady thing to do,” and “what is she trying to prove.” then of course there were people who were very critical of the presentation and how it seems deliberately designed to mislead. and when i clarified, it just made everyone even more confused. ‘huh, if not dating then why she post as if they were’ ‘need to tag meh’ ‘she tag for who to see’ ‘is she trying to show off got a guy wait for her to end work and take many pictures of her on their dates? and then must tag the guy so everyone can see who it is even though he’s not inside?’ ‘how come her username is like a copy of your tinycl0ud’ (lmao i wish i knew the answer to this one but at this point is anyone surprised? no.) ‘is it she want his dick’ ‘dating or not dating it’s very obvious she has interest’ etc etc

so here are MY thoughts, after having talked to practically everyone in my life about it. my thoughts reflect most of what others think. i am trying to be conscious of the fact that i’m still too emotional to really formulate my own opinion, and so of course it is easier to mirror and receive the opinions of those around me. but i think until i can finish processing, i am okay with received feelings.

number one: indignation. because Yes, why the fuck even do this? sg is so fucking big and full of other men. if you want a bf or new friends it’s so easy to find. must go after your ex-friend’s ex-partner? the rest of the sg don’t have men isit? you won’t be happy unless you get to experience that which you have always envied in me isit? you tag, knowing full well that people in MY life still follow and EVERYONE knows what he looks like and who he is. so what is the fucking intention? to show that someone finds you attractive enough to take photos of you? you know, quite a few people have pointed out to me the fact that i used to be the frequent subject of his phone camera (i am grateful but i have also thankfully moved on), and that maybe you have always envied it, and now that it’s your turn you’re revelling. ppl take picture of you like you always wanted, ok good for you, but must tag to make sure everyone knows exactly who did it? so everyone knows you hang out? or maybe date? because who else would wait for you to end your shift and buy you drinks but someone you’re romantically involved with. and you tag so everyone knows it’s a guy, and it’s THAT particular guy. gross and pathetic. which brings me to the next point.

number two: disdain and disgust. why hanker after someone’s ex?? i really don’t get it. was it because on my private twitter i said that i enjoyed myself and he treated me well, so now she has it in her head that she wants the same treatment? a normal human being doesn’t do that. in fact, i have read her tweets about how much she enjoyed having sex with the guy from tinder she had a fling with, with very lengthy descriptions of his dick size and texture, and not once did i feel the need to go and experience it for myself. because there’s this thing called girl code, on top of basic human decency. normal people DON’T hanker after their friends’ exes, even after friendship ends. MORE THAN ONE EX TOO. normal people also don’t tweet stupid shit like ‘every time julian took public transport and waited outside studio i felt so envious because ___ never did that for me, even though he had a motorcycle and could go anywhere, which makes me wonder if i’m not worth being loved.’ LIKE UM OK HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL, reading something so MANIPULATIVE AND GUILT-TRIPPY ON TWITTER DOT COM. julian wasn’t a great ex (or even a great person) but he did occasionally do nice things, and you romanticise the ONE thing to the point of comparing it with your own lacking relationship?? red flag. and then when i have another ex, you hanker after what he represents once again, which is good treatment. well idk what to say but people i date generally treat me well sometimes. and the common factor here is obviously me. so even if you date the same guys i date it doesn’t mean?? u will be treated the same way?????? just a thought. it is truly extremely pathetic to hang onto hope that this Perfect Idealised Boyfriend On A Pedestal could someday be yours if you just wait long enough. you waited 2 years for your RC ex and he still dumped you for a virginal year 1. i hate him on your behalf, and never in a million years would i consider wanting him, no matter how attractive or charismatic he is. simply because, even though i hate you, i will NOT touch your exes that I KNOW FULL WELL have hurt you. 

number three: anger. i don’t hate people. not really. like i don’t think i’ve ever hated anyone enough to wish they’d die a horrible and gruesome death. but the past two days i have felt anger so big it felt like my entire chest was on fire and if i screamed it would come out like a blowtorch. i wanted to take my new ceramic knife and saw off her fingers one by one and then grate her stupid ugly nose off. that was for a moment, and the moment has passed. but i don’t think the hatred will. i can very confidently say that, at least for the next two weeks or so, i will hate her enough to risk damnation. because she IS fucking despicable. and now i guess everyone knows it too. 

there was a moment when i wondered why i was so stricken. i spoke to a friend to try to figure it out. i asked her, why am i so bothered. is it because if he dates her after dumping me it means that she’s better than me and that’s what i can’t stand? or is it because he actively makes time to meet her but not me, so on some level he actually does prefer her to me? then my friend said that she doesn’t think that’s the case, and that he probably can meet her PRECISELY because he doesn’t have romantic feelings and he won’t get entangled. additionally, she also reminded me that just because one man, even my ex that i loved deeper than anyone else, chooses her over me, it doesn’t mean his opinion is god’s opinion (or even a wise/informed one) and therefore it is fallacious to jump to the conclusion that he is right and that she IS better or that she has ‘won’. i added to that and said that yes, people are not prizes to begin with anyway. and yes, one man’s judgment does not determine my worth. another friend just said, very bluntly, that his initial thought was ‘let the trash take the trash out’. im still not okay with someone i still love being called trash because like, hello my feelings, but i understand his sentiments lah. 

no matter how i rationalise it, i guess it does hurt that he’d spend time with her but not once try to spend time with me. i’d make all the time, i honestly would. and i have endless reserves of care and attention and i feel like over time my capacity just increases, even with the new job and the new charges. but i also know that i never had any power in this relationship. i can’t make the first move, i can’t ask for anything, i will never call the shots because it’s imbalanced from the beginning. so if he doesn’t care to meet me but cares enough about HER to meet HER then what can i do? nothing. just accept it like a horrible itchy clothing tag giving you a rash but u can’t exactly strip down bc ur in public. maybe over time he will start to think that she is right for him, she can make him happy, she is his soulmate. she will have won, my friends’ predictions will be right, i will have been wrong about his character, and once again there will be nothing i can do. 

maybe it’s better that he cares so little for me he doesn’t even want to see me at all. because i don’t think my feelings have gone away. it’s magnetic. like an orbital pull. and i know that if i get a little bit i will just want all of it. it was hard enough to pull away the last time and pretend i had to go and pretend i was fine. so if he doesn’t want me in his orbit, maybe it’s actually god’s blessing in disguise and god is trying to tell me that it’s better to be untethered in space than it is to be attached to someone who doesn’t even love me. better to be unhappy on my own than believe i’m happy with someone who doesn’t want me right??? 

serenity prayer: grant me the serenity to accept that which i cannot change, the courage to change that which i can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.

[3one3]

The Sequel - 835

Hamburg

André Schürrle, Juan Mata, other Chelsea/BVB players, and random awesome OC’s (okay they’re less random now but they’re still pretty awesome)

original epic tale

all chapters of The Sequel

“This fucking idiot. A 35% tariff on BMW’s made in Mexico just hurts consumers. BMW, Mercedes, and VW all BUILD CARS IN THE UNITED STATES. Ugh, jeezus. Find me an American. I need an American. There are tons of them at this show. Get me one.”

“Who let her read a newspaper during a NATO summit?”

“Who even reads newspapers?”

“Who scheduled her to do an on-camera interview with CNN Sport during a NATO summit?”

“You. That was you. You did that.”

The conversation at Team Schürrle’s temporary Hamburg stabling began with Christina’s enraged incredulity, included comments from Marcus, Kyle, and Tim, and then returned to the lady in the middle. She had a folding chair, two dogs, cold brew coffee, and regretfully for all those around her, a local newspaper with several pages worth of President Trump stories from the previous day’s NATO event, at which he characterized Germany as “bad, bad”. On the plus side for all, the weather was beautiful and so was the horse show. Christina had no idea how nice a venue she would have the opportunity to compete in. The Deutsches Spring-und Dressur-Derby was a fabulous event to experience, regardless of luck and results. Everything was green, and old, and pretty. Grass, trees, bushes, and traditional German architecture filled the sprawling property. The competition arena was huge- by far the largest she’d ever had the privilege to ride in, and so big she didn’t know how spectators could even see what was happening. That ring was the home of the famed Hamburg Derby, which she would tackle with Dirk on Sunday. The horse plan she shared with André earlier in the week was completely off. She was using Socks and Cartagena for the GCT classes, and Dirk was doing the 4* ones because they included the Derby and the qualifier for it. Not understanding her own entries ahead of time made her feel kind of stupid and negligent, but then the actual riding was so enjoyable that she forgot about it. Even the shady schooling ring was lovely.

Everyone loved her there. She was asked for an autograph and/or selfie every 12 yards when out in the wild around the show, and the line for her signature at the Longines Global Champions Tour souvenir tent was over an hour long. The boutique village had legitimately interesting things for sale, like patio furniture and place settings. Christina bought two large, handmade baskets for her barn office. What she would use them for, she had no idea, but they were very pretty and fitting with the decor in there. The dining options were many, varied, and delicious. There was a parade of foals by Olympic gold medal winning stallion Casall ASK, a legendary Holsteiner who would be retired at the end of the event. He was 19, and his planned retirement and its relevance to things on her mind  was the only thing bringing Christina down in Hamburg until she found out about all of the ridiculous things the leader of the free world did in Belgium. Her barn family was used to hearing her political rants, and so were Marcus and her coaches and some other colleagues. Her agent was pretty familiar too. So no one relaxing with her in the sun on Friday afternoon was surprised to see her fold and wave her newspaper around while she railed against the American president. Lukas was the one who didn’t like it. He arrived at the side of her chair with a concerned pout and filthy hands. He’d been using them, and a stick, to dig a hole to bury a large rock he found, reason unknown. Espen had to hold the rock. He wouldn’t let her put it down. Spencer lifted his head from Christina’s lap to sniff the little boy’s brown hands.

“Mommy?”

“Mommy is trying to show us all that she should have had a more political career,” Marcus told him.

“What’s up, Munchkin?” His sometimes teammate and sometimes rival leaned over to smooch her platinum blonde son. She smiled at him so he would know everything was fine. I can’t believe how big he’s getting, she rued about the boy just a week shy of his second birthday. I shouldn’t be able to reach him from the chair like this. When did he get tall enough that I can actually see leg between his shorts and his socks besides his knees? Ohgodno don’t drink that! “Not for you. Nuh-uh. You know not to have other people’s drinks,” Christina gently chided when Lukas stood on his tiptoes to try to get to the straw in her coffee in the built-in cup holder. No caffeine for the baby...who isn’t a baby anymore...sad face. “Do you want some water?”

“Yes please.” He nodded and then, without warning, started trying to climb into her lap. That involved putting his dirty hands all over her white breeches, and disturbing the Toy Fox Terriers occupying 100% of her lap. Mom opened her mouth to complain and then shut it again. It was too late. Nothing she said would remove the brown hand prints, and he wouldn’t understand if she tried to explain that she couldn’t get him water if he was sitting on her.

“I’ll get it,” Espen volunteered sympathetically.

“Mommy, can I have eye-scream?”

“Does anyone think I can get to the Dippin’ Dots tent without being recognized and without someone tweeting or Instagram-ing a picture of me there and 40 people showing up for selfies before I even get to the head of the line?” Christina dropped her newspaper on the grass and winced at Lukas’ knee in her stomach. He was trying to turn around and sit with his back to her front, and her level of horizontalness made it precarious for him, like crawling on a diving board. She relocated the coffee to the ground too, and waved Lucky away from it. Both dogs’ leashes were tethered to the base of her chair, and both looked unhappy about being made to get up from their naps. Their eyes were squinty against the sun, and they appeared to be looking for another place to lie down. I could get them ice cream too. The doggie accessory boutique has doggie ice cream cups, she remembered.

“Maybe if you don’t take the child wearing the shirt with your name on the back.” Marcus raised an eyebrow in her direction pointedly, reminding her that Lukas was wearing one of his BVB shirts with his dad’s name and number. It was supposed to be for Saturday- Pokalfinale day- but he wanted to wear it Friday too.

“But he could be any little Schü fan,” the biggest Schü fan in the world argued. She was still working out how to watch Chelsea and Borussia Dortmund compete in their respective cup finals, and qualifying for the Monaco Grand Prix, and compete all day.

“You haven’t got time anyway,” Kyle yawned in the process of getting up from his chair. He was the only one with a direct line of sight into the stabling tent. Espen came back from her trip in there to get the water, and poured some in a large plastic cup for the boy further dirtying his mom’s pants with his sneakers. He thanked her, and both women went to rub his head affectionately. “Dirk is about to be ready for you.”

“Do you want to have ice cream later with me?” Christina asked him. I hate when he’s good and he wants something and I don’t have time and either have to say “no” or let him get it or do it with the nanny instead, she whined to herself. I have to do Dirkmeister in this qualifier and then I have a few hours off before Socks. I’m doing the CNN Sport interview for the federation in there too but it can’t take that long, right? The rider looked to her agent while Lukas downed water. “Is that okay? I’m not having dinner with you tonight because I have to go to a party. Can we have ice cream after Mommy rides Dirk?”

“Kaaay.” He handed her the blue cup and then her Rolex Oyster Perpetual Pearlmaster caught his eye. He held onto the rose gold watch on her wrist and leaned over to inspect it, perhaps interested in the little diamonds spaced generously around the black face, or just the shine of it in the sun. Christina found out she could trade in the boring and generic men’s Rolex timepieces she’d won and left in their prize-boxes for one that she actually wanted to wear. The rather large model she picked out arrived at home while she was in Madrid. André told her not to take it to the horse show, and to save it as her one nice watch that wouldn’t go to the barn and become “all horsey”. She was too enamored with it to leave it home, and she liked irritating the Longines people in charge of public events. One of them asked her to take off the rival’s product before she sat for a press conference on Wednesday, and she declined. They asked her to take her IWC off a hundred times too, just as unsuccessfully. Tim told her to keep wearing it. She was very excited when she showed it to him, and he said she should stick with it because she looked “way happier than” he’d seen her “about anything in a long time”, and because she’d already won two classes at that point, one each with Dirk and Cartagena. Christina looked really good in rose gold and diamonds, and her favorite stallion looked great in a black and silver Mercedes Benz-branded winner’s dress sheet.

She didn’t put a lot of credence in what Tim said- not the part about her looking happy, at least. He’d hardly seen her much in recent times, and she was sure he wasn’t watching her ride online, or scouring the Internet for pictures after each event. Someone else in his office updated her website gallery with videos and photos. Her best guess was that he just wanted to be flattering, and suck up a bit, and her second guess was that André talked to him a lot about her being unhappy, particularly in terms of equine matters.

What the footballer said was much more real to her. He told her after her second win of the week that she was doing what he suggested- starting a good run of form. He said she needed to reap all the confidence on offer, and use it to keep winning. Naturally Christina rolled her eyes and told him it’s not that literal, or easy for that matter, but inside she felt good about it, and believed he was right, and hoped she really could harness some good feeling from those early, insignificant results and turn it into great performances and wins in more important classes. Winning her first ever class with Cartagena really did stroke her ego anyway. His owner was delighted and impressed. André really was too. He wasn’t just providing lip service. His wife’s success with the Cento son was of particular import to him because he’d watched them learn each other from the beginning.

“Are you changing for the party?” Kyle inquired, stretching his back in an elaborate and slightly obscene, hip-thrusting sort of way. He was having a lazy horse show, really, as Holger loaned Team Schürrle a groom for the week to take care of Julian, Jelly Bean, and Calvin.

“Nope. Stef and I brought dresses, but nope. Where is she?”

“I think she was looking at the foals with Ally and my wife,” Marcus interjected. He was getting up too. They all had a course to walk shortly.

“Hey Munchkin do you wanna call Daddy while I have a few minutes still? They might be doing their training at the stadium. We can try though. Wanna talk to Daddy?” Christina knew offering up Daddy with no guarantee of being able to reach Daddy was risky, and could result in a tantrum, but Lukas was liking Hamburg too. He was relaxed and enjoying the new sights. Some of her friends’ little kids were around for him to meet and play with, he got his face painted on Thursday, his mom let him eat junk food, and she had a decent amount of time to spend with him throughout the day. She worried a little on the long drive up there that André was onto something when he asked what she did to keep him entertained at shows. It was the first time it occurred to her that her little one might not really like going to them, or that it wasn’t fair to drag him along. His growing awareness made it harder to keep him preoccupied and happy, and letting him get bored was like an invitation for misbehavior and accidentally bad behavior, so it was important to be able to keep him stimulated one way or another, and then to give him enough good quality rest to recover from all the stimulation. Lukas certainly seemed content, and Espen didn’t report anything worrying. Christina felt some need to keep reassuring her partner of that, and also just wanted to talk to him.

She saw that he went on a “Like” spree on Instagram earlier of a bunch of fan-made collages of the two of them together, with cute quotes and stickers. That made her smile. He also formally accepted her plan to spend that 5-day spell on the boat with Juan. He said he was okay with it, and that he was going to use that time to go to Miami with Marco and some of his friends, and two of is own friends he was able to reconnect with since moving to Dortmund. They were going to get some sun, eat great food, check out the famed South Beach nightlife, and generally unwind in the testosterone-filled kind of way André hadn’t done in a long, long time. It would be different than spending a month with his friends and teammates for a summer tournament, and different from going away with his wife and his friends at the same time. His parents were going to take Lukas to Milan to hang out with Melanie and the newest member of the family for the week. Christina really appreciated that her oft-of-late tone deaf partner found a way to make it possible for them both to get to do something with their friends and not leave the other out, at home, alone, babysitting. It was important to frame it as such too. It mattered that their separate holidays were billed as holidays with friends. Then it wasn’t like she was going away with her boyfriend. André had every right to hold a grudge, and stay home and sulk and constantly remind her of his displeasure about it. He didn’t want to do that, and his girl was thankful.

“He didn’t answer, Luke. Do you want to leave him a message? Here. Say “Hi Daddy!”” She put her phone on speaker so Lukas could leave his dad an annoying voicemail, and then apologized to him for having to get up and go do things other than hang out with him. Espen and the child got to take the dogs though, so he wasn’t too disappointed. Christina took a detour to the massive grass ring and derby field to use the bathroom instead of walking over with her mentor and her student, and decided to use her hopefully lonely journey to reach her other favorite player preparing for a cup final. Being on the phone had some deterrent effect on the people seeking her autograph, so that was an added bonus once she got clear of the horse-people-only zone.

“Hey, angel. I was just thinking about you.”

“Liar.”

“No, I was. I put underpants on and they felt very small. Because they were yours, not mine. My butt doesn’t look as good in them as yours.”

“Don’t make me you know what while I’m still wearing undies and then they won’t end up in your laundry and then they won’t end up in your drawer and then you won’t accidentally put them on.”

“Uhhuh.”

“What else are you doing besides wearing girls’ underwear?”

“Getting ready to go to the last training of the season!”

“You have to win. I can’t stand losing to Arsenal.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“In other news, guess who I saw when I stopped into the VIP tent to make nice with the people who own Socks.”

“Elvis.”

“Lex.”

“No.”

“Yes. Did you know Hamburg is like, a minor fashion capital?”

“No, but I’m happy that Lex is now a minor fashion designer.”

“Oooo burn,” Christina laughed. Then she realized people were looking at her as she passed through the champagne tent- part of her shortcut to the ring- and steeled her face so as to appear more serious and absorbed in her phone call. Having fans was great, and she did appreciate them, but she was really tired of being in selfies, and really tired of people who just hurried up to her and tried to take the picture without even saying anything. People who approached her and asked if she minded being in the snap were okay, and those who politely said “hello” and tried to have even a basic conversation were preferable. Some of her Twitter fans kept her mentions full with Tweets about her being caught on her phone all the time. They made a game of guessing whom she was talking to, or what she was talking about. Some of it was funny. Some of it was obscene.

“Did you speak with her?” Juan was always sarcastic about his ex-fiancé, and annoyingly also always kind of interested whenever she came up.

“Nope. She didn’t see me either. I expect she’ll be at this party later that is supposed to be for riders but is really for VIP’s to get access to riders.”

“Oh. Give her my best if you see her again.”

“Really?”

“No,” he snorted. “Steer clear of her. You don’t need the drama, cariña. Focus on yourself, and your horses.”

“I knooooow. Everyone is all over me with the motivational advice this week. I wish you would all-“

“I know, I know, you know what you’re doing.”

“Yes.”

“I need to go and I’ll lose the call in the elevator. Message me later after your party.”

“K.”

“Good luck.”

“You too!”

Only one of them ended up needing luck, and weirdly it was the one who’d just won a major title, earned more league wins than any other team, and Champions League football for the next year. Chelsea were lousy at Wembley. Christina told her son that they were lucky their parade got canceled for security reasons because it looked like they’d all be too lazy to show up for it. Arsenal outplayed them in every way. The Blues rallied in the second half with a Diego goal, but they were already down to 10 men thanks to some Victor Moses stupidity, and the other London club came back at them almost immediately. The pitch was over-watered and everyone slipped a lot. It was hot. The score could have been 6-6, but it wasn’t. It was 2-1 and there was no double for Chelsea FC. Christina’s Global Champions League team got their double, however. She and her teammate finished the second round in the same position as the first- the top. Socks was also second in the Grand Prix, and could have won. His rider did a noble thing. Four other riders were clean in the jump off and the fastest of them before her turn was Ralf-Goran Bengtsson, aboard Casall ASK, the horse whose retirement ceremony would follow the prize giving. Socks had enough in the tank to hustle, and the track wasn’t all that difficult. Christina touched her brake pedal just a teeny, tiny bit on the gallop to the last fence- enough to ensure that the Holsteiner stallion’s final bow would be as a winner.

She never thought she would do that, but the headline was too good to let go to waste. The points didn’t matter to her anyway. She’d already decided that defending her Tour title wasn’t important to her, and that she wouldn’t stress about it. The Olympics was the only real goal for the whole year. Everything before the Games was preparation, and everything after didn’t matter. Christina didn’t tell anyone about what she did. Juan got some consoling during halftime in Berlin. His friend, or girlfriend, or partner, or whatever he thought of her as, said nothing about her day at all, and he didn’t ask. That was fine. He was down, and a bit angry. There was no need to talk about herself.

Then André trumped them both and won himself a big golden cup. Really, his teammates won it for him. He didn’t get to play despite being included in the substitutes. Marco and Schmelle suffered first-half injuries that prevented them from returning for the second, so Tuchel burned two substitutions on 45’. Marc had to come off injured or exhausted later too. The black and yellow side scored early, conceded an equalizer shortly thereafter, and then fought and fought and fought and finally got a winner through the league’s top scorer, Auba. No team was more deserving of a prize than Borussia Dortmund, Christina thought. They’d been through so much, and suffered so many problems, some in the form of heinous criminal activity and some in the form of what she considered criminal defensive organization, or lack thereof. Marco had been waiting for a trophy with the club- with any club- forever. He was by far the happiest person on the planet on Saturday night. Even with his potentially quite serious knee injury, he ran around with his teammates, kissed the trophy, hugged the trophy, hoisted the trophy a million times, sang to the trophy, and, his friend assumed, would take it home and sleep with it.

André was happy. He celebrated with the other Bees, but not like it was the best night of his life. He hung in the back of some of the photos, and let others enjoy the cup. As he told Christina before the game, he didn’t wholly feel like a part of the team. She argued that he wasn’t out that long and that it just felt that way. It felt like he missed so much of the season that he didn’t contribute much to it. The rider went through the footballer’s BVB highlights to prove that wasn’t true. Still, she was almost proud of him for having perspective, and for not inserting himself in the middle of the celebrations. That gold cup meant a lot more to some of those other guys. They’d been there longer, fought harder, scored more, and suffered other heartbreaking cup final losses. Christina was proud of her partner for getting himself fit enough to be in the team, too. His manager had to have been as well. Nuri Sahin was left out. He was arguably a more useful asset to have on the bench than another forward who hadn’t played in almost two months. Tuchel rewarded André for his hard work. His girl wanted to inflate his ego about that too, and fawn over him, and dote on him like a DFB Pokal champion. It was impossible to get him on the phone again after his initial “HEY WE WON I LOVE YOU I’M POURING BEER ON SOMEONE GOTTA GO” call though. She stayed up for a while after saying goodnight to Tim and some of the others who watched the match in the hotel bar with her, waiting for André to get to his hotel room and call again, or for the partying on the bus to wind down enough that he might actually be able to talk on the phone. It was after midnight when hers finally vibrated on the next pillow.

“I’m just changing to go down to our party,” the German explained to his sleepy wife after the second round of congratulations. “I wish you were here! Everyone else has a date!”

“I wish I was there too,” Christina yawned. Thank god I don’t have to ride until 2:30 tomorrow, she thought, already mentally pushing her morning schedule back.

“We’ll celebrate tomorrow, you and me,” André smiled. “Hey! It’s your birthday already! Happy birthday, Prinzessin. I got you a very large gold cup with some precious stones on it.”

“Thank you. I figured out what I want, by the way.”

“What?”

“To not go to St. Gallen on Wednesday.”

“Aww. Tired?” He was still too pumped about the victory and the partying to take advantage of her cracking, and harass her about the fact that she dictated her own schedule and didn’t have to go anywhere she didn’t want.

“I’m tired like in general from the day, and I’m tired of hotel rooms and catered food. I’m going to try to give myself a birthday present and ask Heiner if Stef can take my place on the team. She’s doing so well with Jules and he can definitely jump two weeks in a row.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I wanna be home with you.” The sleepy equestrian’s voice was thin and quiet and childlike, and it made him wonder why she was almost embarrassed to say she wanted to edit her schedule and get some rest at home with her family. She and her horses had been showing for three weeks already and there was only one break in the next 8 to come. That was the one between Cannes and Monaco, when they’d be on the boat together, so that wasn’t even a chance to be home. It was also two times in a row that Christina was shy or hesitant about letting him know that she wanted to spend more time with him. She was weird about staying up late earlier in the week because she wanted to interact with him longer instead of going to sleep. I’m happy that she wants this, he told himself before challenging the idea too. It’s like she thinks there’s something wrong with it though. It’s like she decided she doesn’t want that, so then when she realizes she does, she’s betraying herself? I can’t tell if she’s reluctant, or...what. “Babe?”

“Well I’d love to have you home, obviously,” he hastened to assure her. “Are you sure it’s what you want? You’re not going to get upset in a few weeks when a show goes badly and yell at me that I made you skip something to stay home and it ruined your plan, or-“

“No,” Christina chuckled. “I promise. I’ve weighed all that already. I’m tired. Tom is tired. The horses have such a long summer in front of them. St. Gallen isn’t a big deal. It’s up to Heiner though. They did well in Rome yesterday so he should be okay with it, maybe.”  

“I got you a t-shirt.”

“What?”

“Like the ones we put on to celebrate. I got you the girls’ one, and a tiny one for Mausi.” André looked away from the mirror over the desk and eyed the two yellow shirts by his suitcase. He kept the one he wore separate, because it smelled like beer. Deep down, he was a little relieved to be on the outskirts of the victory. It would have been disappointing to have played his heart out to help get the win and then not had his family there to celebrate with him. We’ll play in the Supercup now. She has to be there for that. Except she can’t be, because she’ll be at the Olympics.

“Oh, neat. Thanks. Lukas likes the new kit. He won’t take it off. Maybe he’ll give it up in exchange for a new t-shirt, and then I can wash it. He’s obsessed with digging right now, so he’s constantly covered in dirt.”

“Sorry. He got that from me. You’ve seen the pictures.”

“Yeah,” his girl smiled.

“I have to go to the party now. I’m already late.”

“I’m really proud of you babe, for like, how you handled yourself today, and for doing everything to get fit. I know if they had needed you today, you would have been ready,” Christina told him, sincere and soft. “Other guys would look at the injury and look at the calendar and think they got an advance on their holidays.”

“Thanks. That means a lot.” Especially since you were side-eyeing me for being happy about goals and wins before.

“Enjoy the party. Take lots of embarrassing pictures of Marco.”

“I love you.”

“You too. Wait! Will you be able to watch the Derby tomorrow?”

“I’m sorry, Prinzessin, I can’t. We have the parade.”

“Oh. I forgot.”

“I’ll watch your round with you when you get home.”

“Yeah.”