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sp4ceboo · 1 year ago

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Atonement: Feyd-Rautha x Reader

A/N: fic i wrote with @triluvial 's lovely idea

tw: 18+, smut but pretty soft, oral (f recieving), so so so so much angst, fluff after tho dw, swearing, hints of sa and pedophilia from the baron, baron is also creepy to reader but not explicitly, u gotta bear with my yapping in the beginning but it gets good i promise, inkpie

wc: 3.9k

headcanons for this universe

When you married Feyd-Rautha, you were warned of many things. His cruelty, both in and out of the bedroom, his bloodlust, his uncontrollable rage, his violence, his complete and utter lack of mercy. They told you he was psychotic, he was a cold blooded murderer, he was insatiable and that you’d be lucky to last a year with him, and yet, they never cautioned you of his sheer, unerring indifference.

Before your marriage, you fancied that he’d be like fire; raging, searing to touch. You went as far as to wish to tame his inferno. Late at night, when you could not sleep and doubt wreathed your thoughts, you also considered that he’d be like ice, like the colour of his piercing eyes, glacial and cold, devoid of anything soft or sweet.

As a child, you saw him fight in the arena. There he blazed with passion, his victor’s smile a cruel curve upon his face, his knife blade stained dark with fresh blood: he was mesmerising. At that time you were beginning to understand that your future had been sold to this violent man, and you resented your parents for it - now you realise that it went deeper than that, that it was rooted in generations of religion, of whisperings of the Bene Gesserit. Still, even then, you found the way he burned intriguing, and you were drawn to him like a moth to a flame.

But you were wrong. He turned out to be neither fire nor ice, just stingingly, dismissively apathetic. His eyes slide right over you when he happens to pass you in the corridors, as if you’re lower than a servant, lower than the rare rats that survive Giedi Prime’s conditions. You suspected your marriage would be painful, wedded to a man such as he was, but you didn’t think it would be this damn lonely.

You wished he hated you.

That way, at least you’d mean something to your husband. At least then vehement, savage emotion would rise within his gaze whenever he looked at you, not that horrible, polarising blankness. You wish you disgusted him, because then he’d at least he’d speak his mind - you had learnt that he spoke with brutal honesty, uncaring of the consequences.

Maybe to him, that’s all you are. A consequence of being high born, of being the na-Baron. You mean nothing to him, and he treats you as such; to him, you are less than the speck of dust on the floor, less than a grain of sand in his beloved arena.

It’s not that you wish for him to dote on you, nor love you or devote himself to you. You just wish he would look you in the eye and feel something; you’d rather him stare at you in revulsion and call you names that you can’t even think up yourself than the dead, lifeless detachment that clouds his face when he sees you in your shared chambers.

Feyd-Rautha has never laid a hand on you in violence; in fact he rarely touches you at all. The last, and only time he kissed you was during the wedding day, and he makes no moves to be in bodily contact with you any more than he has to be. You are obliged to produce an heir from him, yet even in these infrequent encounters it seems as if it is a chore for him - he takes no pleasure in your body nor does he try to pleasure you, and he makes no sound when he takes you, staying as long as it takes for his seed to fill your womb before leaving without a word. On those nights, your thighs tremble as you stumble to the bathroom, only allowing your tears to fall once the shower water is searing on your skin.

During the first month of your marriage, you did everything in your power to please him. You thought maybe you weren’t pretty enough for him, maybe you were not desirable as a wife, so you always smiled at him, made an effort to fill the silence that pervaded the air around him, bringing up topics you knew he would enjoy, like the arena, like his love for knives and duels. To even that he would not reply, rebutting your questions with monosyllables or simply ignoring you. You stopped once he began to leave the room while you were mid sentence.

It is now your fourth month locked in this marriage with an uncaring man, and all you feel is bleak, crushing resignation. Somehow, Feyd-Rautha seems to take more interest in conversing with his brother than you.

You wonder if he has forgotten your name. He addresses you simply as ‘wife’ - that, and nothing more, the title leaving his lips like an accusatory curse, reminding you that if you did not serve a purpose to him, and if decorum did not restrain him, he’d have disposed of you by now, either by slitting your throat or simply abandoning you outside the palace grounds, not even bothering to end you himself.

The palace in question is lonely, but you feel the loneliest when you lay awake at night, shivering on your side of the bed as Feyd-Rautha slumbers to your right. Tears always prick your eyes during those moments, but you stifle them, afraid that you’ll rouse him with your crying; you do not know what you’ve done to garner his mistrust, but many times you’ve glimpsed the knife he keeps beneath his pillow, the cold blade glinting in the moonlight.

Often you wonder if he has a secret lover, and that is why he does not bother with you. You wake up sometimes and he is gone, but soon you realised that he would visit his concubines, especially after he had bred you. You would finish your shower, unable to wash off the feel that you were dirty, you were just an animal, a mindless thing to produce an heir for him, and he would be lounging in the antechambers of your quarters, ignoring your presence with the three harpies wrapped around him, whispering in his ears and caressing his moonlight skin. They accompanied him everywhere he wished, even in public, and to begin with, you felt humiliated that he would so explicitly show that you were not to his satisfaction.

Now, it just makes the solitude even worse.

You find solace in no one. More than once, you have walked in on the servants laughing behind your back, and as it became evident your husband was uninterested in you, they did not hide their mocking. The Baron’s other nephew you hardly saw, and the Baron himself terrified you: there was something in the way that he stared at you, his beady eyes glittering from where they were set deep within his putrid flesh, that made you feel more soiled than even after Feyd-Rautha took you.

So you remain isolated, speaking only when spoken to, drifting through the palace’s wide, dark hallways like a ghoul, a mourning spectre. You can barely remember your life before, just wisps and fleeting flashes of colour that ridicule rather than comfort you.

To Feyd, it is obvious who you are. A spy, commanded by his uncle to report every single one of his doings to you; he cannot slip up once around you, cannot reveal his weaknesses, that he is desperate to be loved, to be seen as someone whose only use is not war. He sees the way his uncle looks at you, hungry for information you do not have because he does not impart it, the way the Baron comments on you and the way you flinch at his words, pretending that you do not report to him.

Feyd is determined in his resolve to give nothing away. His uncle has held power over him since he was young, he refuses to give him even an inch over him now. He still has nightmares of it, which he wakes up from with his pale skin sheened in clammy sweat, clammy like the hands of his uncle.

Sometimes, he sees the tears in your eyes after he fucks you. The first time, he almost stopped, almost asked you where it hurt, but you turned away before he could, acting, always acting; acting when you smile graciously at him, acting when you ask him what his favourite type of blade is, what his favourite form of swordsmanship is. You are good at pretending, but of course you are - his uncle is the Baron, a man who bathes in power. No doubt he would get only the best of spies.

Tonight, you are not where you normally are. At this hour, you are usually asleep, or feigning it in the very least, curled up small on your side of the mattress, yet the bed is still made, the sheets unrumpled and smoothed down as they were this morning. Feyd thinks that maybe he might catch you reporting to his uncle, so he strides out of your shared chambers, pausing in the doorway to listen carefully; as a boy, he hunted in forests that have now been chopped down and industrialised, but he has maintained his keen ears long after the last wild plant on Giedi Prime’s surface choked on the fumes of pollution.

There’s a soft noise, barely perceptible, that echoes down the corridor to his right. Silently, he tracks it down the labyrinthine passages of the palace, servants scurrying out of his warpath, bowing their heads to him - he wonders if they too report to his uncle, if they travel now to his quarters to inform him of his beloved nephew’s whereabouts.

Feyd wishes he and Rabban were brothers first before rivals. Then he could have someone to rely on, someone who he trusted in this palace built on lies.

Pausing, Feyd cocks his head. You huddle in a crumpled heap at the end of the corridor, your knees hugged tightly to your chest, head low as if under a crushing weight. It occurs to him that maybe the Baron was displeased with your efforts to gain information and made it known to you - a pang of pity tugs at him, for he knows what his uncle’s wrath is like. At least you have been spared from the sole thing worse than that - the Baron’s thirst.

"What are you doing, wife?"

Your head snaps up, Feyd-Rautha’s unfeeling voice kindling a rare burst of temper from you. Is it not evident to him what you are doing? Or is he just too blind to see the tears streaking down your cheeks? Your words are injected with venom when you speak, and you hope that it stings him for leaving you alone in this cold, dark place.

"So now I am of concern to you?"

Feyd is taken aback by the indignant arch of your brows, the resentment displayed in your eyes. It takes him a moment to register the harshness lacing your voice - you have never addressed him in this way - and another to digest your words. There’s a bleakness in your wet, tear stained face as you stare up at him, and shock too, as if you did not expect yourself to speak against him this way.

Something clicks into place.

Feyd recognises that look in your eyes. He recognises it, because he’s seen it in the mirror a hundred times before; haunted, harrowed, lonely. He remembers nights when he trembled beneath the cold sheets of his bed, when he was small enough that he felt like he was drowning in the black satin, his eyes wide as the fabric seemed to wend around his limbs, tying him there as he lay fearful of everyone, fearful that his uncle would summon him. Even young, he was so terribly aware of not knowing who he could trust and who would turn to the Baron, bearing information like knives to split open his childish skin and spill his guts on the freezing stone floor.

It broke him. He is barely a shell of a sentient being, repressed emotions wreathing like ghosts around his frame, his eyes hollow, his heart decaying. In his fear, he was blinded, and he pushed you to the place where he had been all those years ago, so terribly, terribly alone - you are stronger than him, for lasting this long.

Sharp, plunging, dread sinks in his stomach, weighs down his soul; he has done unspeakable things to you, treated you like a dog, like a whore - worse. How can you look at him without hatred in your eyes, spite?

Bile rises in his throat, his heart seized by a dark, burning anger. He has done this to you, he has slashed your skin and left you bleeding, and yet all you did was try to please him. In an effort to save himself, he trampled you under foot; in order to keep you out, he left you surrounded by shadows. Feyd has never hated himself so much, has never despised who he has become with this much furor.

Slowly, he crouches before you. Eyes wide, you shrink away, misreading the direction of his rage, flinching when he reaches out a hand. Pressing your back against the wall behind you, you turn your head away from him, fear causing tears to spill down your cheeks: he sees the way you will the stone to swallow you up, knows the feeling.

"Please don’t hurt me," you choke out, hands trembling uncontrollably.

Something deep within Feyd’s soul withers and dies at your words. Forcing his jaw to unclench, his hands to release the fists they held, he shoves down his anger. The fury is for later, for when he has made things right - for now it is you that is his priority. Too late, a voice whispers in his ears, too late, too late, too late -

Gods, he deserves to burn at the fucking stake for this. He deserves eternal hell for this, he deserves worse. He is a fool: a blind, blundering fool, stuffed to the brim with paranoia and cynicism.

He sucks in a breath. "I will not hurt you. You have my word, whatever it is worth to you. I - I have made an irredeemable mistake, I - "

After his first sentence, you have not heard him. Tears of relief soak your face, and you whisper needless apologies for them; it is an arrow through his heart that you fear him so - yet the pain is where it is due, justifiable for the way he has shamed you, belittled you.

"May I - may I touch you, my wife?"

You do not know why you nod in reply of your husband’s strange request, but the moment you do, strong arms pull you into a solid chest, and a sob leaves you - he is so warm, warm enough to banish the seeping cold embedded in your bones, warm enough to let your sorrow flow anew, soaking his shirt as your hands bunch in its fabric, so that if he is cruel enough to leave you here, at least he will have to fight to do so. You have not been held in a long time.

Each of your shuddering sobs is a knife blade twisting in Feyd’s spirit. He lets the pain wash over him, clings to the way you burrow into his arms, a kind creature in the embrace of a monster. At one point, in the throes of your crying, you beat at his chest, telling him that you hate him, and he takes it with a bowed head, stroking your hair and holding you tighter once you exhaust yourself; this is only a fraction of his atonement.

You fall asleep in his arms. He carries you back to your quarters, and only once the door is closed behind him does he let his tears mingle with yours. Keeping you cradled to his chest like a child, he pours a glass of water for you to drink in the morning, knowing you will be dehydrated; he sets it on your bedside table before laying you down on the mattress.

You don’t let go of him, even in your sleep. His heart clenches, tight in his chest, and he drops a kiss in your hair before lying down beside you.

He believes he will love you, if you will let him.

Consciousness leaks slowly into your mind, and you blink, squinting through the beam of light that filters in through the curtains. From your months spent here, you’ve realised that Giedi Prime’s atmosphere is normally churned up with violent storms and choked with pollution, so this ray of sun that falls against your pillow, warming your face is far from unwanted - nor is the pale forearm tucked around your waist, firmly so, but not trapping you either.

Your husband’s chest fits snugly against your back, his breath warm and steady against your skin; his fingers splay out across your stomach, gentle, communicating so many things that were left unsaid. Vaguely, you remember falling asleep, nestled against his chest, tears drying on your cheeks.

When you roll over, you’re unsurprised that he’s already awake. With blue eyes softened by the sunlight, he regards you, fingers settled at the small of your waist. Something clouds his gaze, and he shifts, propping himself up on his elbows.

"I owe you an explanation."

You wait silently, unperturbed by the way he clenches his jaw. He vowed to you last night that he would not hurt you, and you trust that. Wordlessly, his lips open, then close, and you patiently watch him, far too well acquainted with how this man struggles to let down his guard - even now, you cannot read the twisting of his features, the way his eyes squint as he looks at you.

"I - I thought you were a spy sent by my uncle," he finally confesses. "My uncle… when I was younger, he,"

Reaching out, you cup his jaw in your hand, running your thumb along his cheekbone until he relaxes. You see the battle in his eyes, to let go, to tell you the knowledge that he thinks you deserve, but you see with it the years of hurt, of solitude. Something hopeful, something beautiful blossoms within you - the realisation that this wounded beast before you is someone that you could grow to love; you want him to bare his scars to you, those that are long healed and those that still seep with blood.

"All in good time, Feyd," you assure him quietly.

He sighs, touches his lips against your palm. "I am sorry, my wife."

Slipping your hand down to grip his shoulder, you lean closer towards him so you can kiss him. An anguished sound leaves him, and you see clearly how he realises that he has wronged you, how it pains him, and yet how the taste of you awakens something tender within him - you marvel at it, that it has survived, buried within him for so long. Perhaps he will let you love him.

Feyd is neither forward nor insatiable in the way he kisses you. In fact, he pulls away first, moving to get up from the bed despite the way your hands grip his shoulders, and you almost doubt that he wants you before you glimpse the longing in his eyes that lingers before he pushes it down. You wonder if this man knows how to make love or if he just knows how to fuck, you wonder if he feels the same molten feeling in his stomach that you feel and that is why his movements are tinged with nerves as he gently escapes your grasp. It is clear to you: he does not want to scare you.

"Must you go?" You ask, tugging at his fingers.

He tilts his head. "I don’t know if you want me here, after what I have inflicted upon you."

A streak of bravery takes ahold of you. "Please, Feyd, I want you."

You delight at the fire that ignites in his eyes upon your words. He wastes no time in returning to your side, dropping a sweet tasting kiss to your lips before taking your chin in his hand, eyes searching yours as he sits between your thighs.

"Tell me if you want to stop," he says. "Yes?"

"Yes," you echo, blood heating your cheeks.

Feyd kisses you again, giving you time to rescind your reply if you want, but you just tug at the hem of his shirt, drinking in his sculpted chest when he pulls the black cloth over his head. Delicately, he trails his lips down your skin as he undresses you, his broad hands warm where they encircle your waist, holding you flush to him as his calloused palms explore your body, skimming over your spine and caressing your breasts before settling on your thighs and pulling them open.

You’re terribly aware of how wet you are when his eyes settle on your pussy. Instinctively, your knees tip inwards, your face growing hot at the hunger in his gaze, but his broad shoulders block your legs from closing, followed closely by his hands which gently push them back open. He smiles at the blush high on your cheeks, rubbing his thumb over your ankle in order to put you at ease.

The sound you make when he pushes his fingers into your cunt and curls them almost makes Feyd moan. You tremble for him, bashful, and he can feel himself rock hard against the mattress, aching for the tight clamp of your velvet walls. He wants to bury himself between your thighs, and so he does, your sweet slick exquisite on his tongue - he presses kisses like butterflies to your thighs, your hips, worshipping you as his fingers pump in and out of you to the same pace as your heaving chest.

You look beautiful, gilded by the sunlight, lower lip trapped between your teeth, but he doesn’t miss the way you grip the sheets with one hand, the other clapped over your mouth, panting as he pleases you. Stroking your thigh, he pauses, licking your slick off his lips.

"Let me hear you," he bids.

You blush again but obey him, tremors wracking your body as he sucks on your clit, laving his tongue over it until you throw your head back, eyes rolling as you come, your honeyed moans and hot release exquisite upon his senses. He wants more, needs more of the taste of you, but you tug at his shoulders, whining for his cock, and he’d rather die than deny you.

The way you say his name when he buries himself inside you sets his soul on fire. You look beautiful beneath him, shaking and whimpering from the hot pulse of his length, clawing at his shoulders until he wears red marks that he’s proud to bear, moaning into his mouth when he kisses you. It seems you cannot get enough of him, and Feyd is more than fine with that because he finds himself addicted to the feel of you under his hands, begging him for more.

Feyd remains entranced long after he comes inside you, with you, your cunt spasming around him. You draw close to him, intertwining your legs with his as he kisses your face, your neck, your chest, making sure he has not hurt you, making sure you are sated. Curling your fingers under his jaw, stopping him, you look him in the eye and smile before kissing him, and he finds himself mesmerised again by you.

He is certain you will let him love you. He is yours.

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porcelainbirdss · 3 days ago

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so take my hand, we’ll disappear

summary: assuming that both of you were stars, somewhere high up, way above the stratosphere — you’d certainly strain all of your light, just to give a sign that you were still there. you would shimmer at each other so brightly, luminous bodies exploding upon the effort. people on earth would extend their hands towards the sky, saying they wished to be there — or worse, calling it science.

in other words: when your childhood friend Phainon swoops in to save you from getting mugged, the spark of your long-lost bond flickers back to life.

cw: fem!reader, delinquent!Phainon, fluff, angst, modern au, descriptions of violence, blood, mentions of death, suggestive at some point but nothing happens, alcohol consumption, very poor decisions, they’re both mentally unstable (somewhat), obsessive tendencies, hurt/comfort, relationship established soon in the story (dating), open ending. || wc: 20k

you were in trouble.

it was supposed to be a normal stroll, visit the corner store, buy your favorite soda, go back — except now you were trapped in some tight alleyway, two men who couldn’t be described as anything other than thugs cornering you.

"i-i really don’t have anything!" you pleaded, frozen on your feet.

you should fight, or run — but all you can do is stand there like a terrified fawn, your hands shaking as the men stare you down, one of them already taking a step forward.

"i don’t give a shit about that." he said, his tone mocking as he gave you a shove, sending you stumbling into the wall. it was truly a miracle your legs somehow didn’t give out.

you heaved, feeling tears of fear well up in your eyes. "please— please, just leave me alone—"

before you could do as much as scream, the man grabbed your bag, and you instinctively tugged at it, as if to keep it on your arm — giving it away would be the logical course of action, however your mind lagged, overwhelmed by panic.

"shut up, or i’ll—"

you pressed your eyelids shut upon seeing his fist rise to your face level, preparing yourself for the upcoming impact — but nothing came, and all you heard in response was a strangled yelp, the sound of their mixed yells and curses creating a devilish cacophony.

you opened your eyes, and you weren’t sure whether you should be relieved or even more terrified when a third person appeared, pulling the criminal by the collar, and swiveling him around so rapidly he almost lost his footing.

the hooded individual sent a punch to the man’s jaw, quickly grabbing the second one and slamming his face into the wall of brick with a sickening thud. you watched the fight unfold in quick succession — screams and groans of pain, cracking knuckles, blood and spit flying about.

you were absolutely stunned, your heart hammering with such intensity you thought it might crawl out of your throat — both of the thugs now lying on the ground, coughing and wheezing as they held onto their busted noses. a singular tooth rolled by your shoe.

the victor of the fight turned your way, completely silent — you couldn’t make out his features through the dark shadow obscuring his face, but something about the way he carried himself was oddly familiar. you wanted to take a step back, however all you could do was push yourself further into the wall, your instincts beckoning you to finally take the chance and bolt.

then, as you already took the step to the side, ready to break out into sprint, he took off his hood.

you blinked twice, your mouth slacking open as you took in the sight of your friend’s smiling face, so innocent and sweet as if instead of obliterating two criminals he merely offered you something to drink. just… just what was he doing there?!

"…Phainon?" you forced out, the adrenaline slowly seeping away from your body.

he chuckled, abashedly tousling his fair locks. "in the flesh. long time no see, huh?"

when was the last time you have seen him? probably two years ago, or so. it’s not like you wanted to cut contact, however your studies and school, and all the other things seemed to obscure your interest in any kind of social interaction — with that, you simply stopped seeing him. you didn’t have a fallout, or anything of the sort. it came naturally.

Phainon was changed now. he definitely got bigger, as if that was possible, and even more faint scars found their way onto his nose and brow. you vividly remember when he still lived on your street, and whenever the boy got into a fight, you’d be the one to protect him and chase the bullies away — oh how the tables have turned. you could feel almost embarrassed now, meeting him for the first time in forever, all trembling and teary.

"well, uh… y-yeah, i guess so." you snickered dumbly.

however, one thing was yet to change — you still had an unbearably enormous crush on him.

your friend looked around, scanning the surroundings as if he was wary of more men showing up, and then he walked closer over to you, placing his palm on your shoulder. your heart jumped up erratically — except this time not from fear, but elation.

"[name], did they hurt you?" he questioned, careworn expression painted across his face. "if they did, then i can—"

you shook your head energetically, the hold on your bag’s strap tightening. "no, no!" you assured, trying to steady your breathing. "i’m fine. really."

that seemed to calm Phainon down, and he stepped back, his smile widening. "good. let’s get out of here then, alright?" he beckoned, gracefully jumping over the unconscious bodies.

you followed in tow, albeit with much less finesse. "can i ask how did you know i was there?" you inquired, looking at his hair, bouncing gently with every step.

"oh, you know," the man waved his hand dismissively, "i just heard a commotion, so i decided to check it out." he explained, turning to look at you as you emerged from the alleyway.

you nodded in understanding, your knees still wobbly from the earlier horror you experienced. "thank gods you were around…" you sighed, rendering the distance between you, and finding yourself at his side.

"yeah, i still can’t believe it was you out of all the possible people." Phainon chuckled, glancing around as you crossed the road. "what are the chances?"

you shrugged. "well, i’m not sure. probably not that small, since we live in the same town."

that evoked another cackle, as if what you just said was the funniest thing in the world. you loved that sound — only now you realized how much you missed it. "anyway, let me walk you home. we’ll catch up."

and catch up you did — but perhaps not the way you wanted. at first the conversation didn’t really stick, however after a while of stammering and awkward mumbling, you began to speak like civilized people.

except, it was all revolving around you. Phainon asked about your whereabouts, how’s school going, your family and friends, life in general — and you indulged him, of course. nevertheless, he never once dared speak about himself.

no matter how hard you pulled at his tongue, he seemed to completely ignore your efforts, offering roundabout answers and questioning you instead.

you didn’t fail to spot the bandages peeking from under the sleeves of his hoodie, nor the deep bruise splotched somewhere between his ear and cheek — and upon noticing just how bloodied his knuckles were, you offered to help him patch up. all Phainon did was laugh merrily in response, ruffling your hair and saying how he went through worse.

Phainon was… how would you call it? a rogue? a hooligan? a delinquent? you knew he never had it easy, but truth be told, you didn’t expect him to turn out this way, with that smart smirk painted across his lips and hair tousled in every possible direction — donning a simple black hoodie instead of those dorky tees he oh-so loved wearing back in the day.

exactly, that’s what bothered you so much — he was the boy you knew, but he also wasn’t. just how much can a person change in a span of two years? personally, you thought you were the same — an unrelenting bookworm, a nerd, a mere shy girl who succeeded at nothing else but acing her exams with flying colors.

after you stopped at your house, Phainon casually bid you goodbye — no nonsense, no teary parting, no promise of seeing you soon. all he said was: "it was nice to talk to you again”, and told you to take care. the only thing you could do was wave weakly at him, wishing he’d never go away.

you lazily turned to another page of your textbook, squinting at the slightly blurry words appearing before your eyes. it was already pretty late, and you were supposed to be sleeping — but you have an important test tomorrow, and so, once again you decided to throw away your rest for the sake of studying.

alas, no matter how hard you tried to focus, all of your thoughts always ventured back to one thing — Phainon. it was about seven hours since you last saw him, and you already missed him, even if that sounded silly. it’s not hard to guess whether you had many friends (surprise: you don’t have any), so when you could talk with him, so casually and without any judgement or expectations — you felt as if someone took all the weight off from your shoulders.

in addition, the man’s well-being was one of your concerns too, because he looked as if he was a regular to fights — not necessarily on the receiving end, but still. you didn’t have his number, because for some reason he changed it — but if you could, you’d call him up and ask to meet up.

well, it’s not as if you actually can go out now. even though you’re technically an adult, you’re still a student, and your parents nurture that extremely strict policy. no going out after dark, no partying — all of your focus should remain on school. so you did just that, solemnly, reluctantly, jealous of your peers — but never rebelling, nor going against the rules.

with a heavy sigh, you attempted to read the sentence over again. it didn’t make any sense to you, and your body felt exhausted along with the mind. you dropped your pencil, which you were supposed to outline the most important information with to the side, and let your head roll on the pillow.

why is your life always so monotone? so mundane? maybe the reason as to why Phainon went down another, slightly more darker and dangerous path was caused exactly by this — boredom. he was always utterly energetic, so perhaps his psyche demanded more stimulating experiences… or something of that kind.

ugh, must you think of him so much? you need to revise, to learn those stupid definitions by heart and ace your test — instead, you’re daydreaming about him like a teenage girl (which you still were, but didn’t feel so), pondering on his whereabouts and whatnot. you probably won’t see him again for another long period of time, anyway.

as you reached for your earlier discarded pencil, a sudden sound snapped you out of your reveries — knocking. not on the door, but rather on the window.

your head rapidly swiveled in the direction, and you almost came down with a cardiac arrest when you spotted that familiar face, completely drenched in rain, grinning at you from behind the glass. oh, you definitely didn’t expect this out of all things.

with a hammering heart, you pulled yourself from the bed, and jogged over to the silhouette, reaching to open the window to let the man in. his combat boots fell onto your floor with an unsatisfying plop of water, and you barely held back a scowl.

"hi." he greeted nonchalantly, shaking his head around like a wet dog, a few droplets falling on you with the action.

you didn’t know whether you should be laughing or crying. "Phainon, just what are you doing here?" you asked, your eyes still set on him, intensely, searching — looking out for anything you should be wary of. you hated yourself for it, but maybe your trust in him wasn’t as big as you previously thought. after all, what normal person climbs up someone’s wall at 11 PM, demanding to be let in?

Phainon shrugged, taking off his dark jacket. "i’m sorry, am i bothering you?" he mused, his eyebrows arching upwards in response to your unamused frown.

"no, that’s not… that’s not what i meant." you caught yourself saying, as if only to appease him. damn you, and that dumb crush of yours. "i’m just curious, you know. i mean— it’s late, and all that."

maybe you should be happy to see him? deep down, you knew you definitely were, your heart jumping up in your chest with joy — but what if your parents hear him? what will you say to them? what excuse could you possibly offer? oh, mom, that’s just a friend — you remember Phainon, don’t you? he only came to visit, no matter if it’s almost midnight!

the man snickered lowly at your unsure tone, leaning on the windowsill. in the dim light of your room, you could discern a new wound on his lower lip. "i apologize. didn’t mean to startle you." then, his expression morphed into something equally abashed to yours, "if— if you want me to go, i will."

your mind reeled, unable of making the proper decision as quickly as you would have liked — against all your smarts, you’ve never found yourself in such a predicament. Phainon seemed to consider your silence as a 'yes', so he reached for the window — but before he could jump out, you grasped the hem of his shirt. "no, you can stay." you blurted out, impulsively. "just… please, be quiet, okay?"

it was both the right and wrong thing to say — on one hand, your parents could possibly get angry. on the other, you were just wallowing in your misery, whining about how boring and uninteresting your life was — would it really be so bad to let yourself enjoy the fleeting pleasure? surely not. you simply needed to be… careful, is all.

that earned an eager nod from Phainon, his lips curling into a lopsided smirk. "thanks." he responded, folding the jacket in his hands and looking around, as if searching for an appropriate place to put it away.

you pointed towards your small coffee table, the corners of your lips itching upwards as well. "you can put your things here. don’t worry if they’re wet." you assured, starting to shift on your feet. just what should you say?

Phainon nodded again. "thanks." he repeated, as if he didn’t know how to push the conversation too. he placed his jacket and a worn gym bag on the surface, turning in your direction, and giving a slightly awkward chuckle.

you didn’t feel as nervous when you were talking to him those few hours ago — but you supposed it’s only logical, because your contact with him was still poor, and there was nothing you could do to ease the distance between you in such a short amount of time. "so, uh…" you began, weighting your words, "why are you here?"

his eyebrows narrowed in quiet contemplation before that characteristic smirk found its way back onto his lips. "i don’t know." he replied shortly, but the consternation on your face urged him to continue. "actually, i had this idea, you know. it’s been so long, and— well, truth be told, i wanted to talk to you more, [name]."

for whatever reason you felt like he wasn’t lying, but not telling the whole truth either, choosing whatever benefited the situation the most. still, you couldn’t help but melt a little at his confession. "sounds good to me. uh, just sit on my bed, alright?" you gestured towards the mattress, feeling a little embarrassed at how disarrayed your sheets were.

"so," Phainon began, seating himself comfortably on the edge, "i guess i interrupted something.” he laughed breathily under his nose, reaching for your textbook. "what do we have here… oh, chemistry?" he hummed, flipping through the pages without much interest.

"yeah." you affirmed with a morose sigh, plopping down beside him. for some reason, your movements were strained, as if you were calculating every single one. "i’m not sure why, but i just can’t memorize anything today. weird, no?"

your friend nodded, eyes still glued to the thick book. "you must be still a little shaken from that incident." he said, and you almost caught yourself asking — what incident?, but then realized what he meant. oh, if only he knew what really plagued your mind.

"maybe?" you huffed out, pushing yourself further into the bed. "i don’t know. anyway, weren’t you always good at chemistry? you should be studying the same thing at your school now, if i’m not mistaken."

all you received was a small noise of not exactly agreement, but neither denial.

"well, couldn’t you tutor me?" you asked, your voice sounding a wee bit too hopeful for your liking. it was an odd thing to say, especially since you were no longer close — but at the same time, you yearned to regain what once was.

Phainon shrugged, closing the textbook with a snap. "i wouldn’t know. i actually dropped out."

you barely held back your jaw from slacking into the floor — what? he announced it so nonchalantly as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and yet you couldn’t comprehend it. Phainon, the top student, practically rivaling your wits, scoring all the quizzes and exams with no effort — and he dropped out? not only was it absurd, but also extremely concerning. it was your last year of high school — you’ll be graduating in late april. what normal person gives up just before the finish line?

upon your lack of answer, the man simply chuckled, reaching to tousle your hair, just like he always used to before it all went downhill. "what? you look as if you saw a ghost."

you shook your head in answer, schooling your expression into something less bewildered. "but— but why?” you choked out.

Phainon glanced around your room, searching for the best choice of words. "some things just happen, [name]. don’t act like it’s the end of the world." he sent you an easy smile, appearing completely unbothered.

"well, then tell me what happened!" you exclaimed before coughing nervously, hoping your parents couldn’t hear the commotion from downstairs.

he gave a sigh, playfully rolling his eyes. "stuff. i wouldn’t wanna bother you with them. it’s a rather boring story, y'know."

another dismissive answer — you felt the chagrin prickling at your skin, thinking just why would you do that to yourself?, and why don’t you want to talk to me, like we used to? — even though deep down, you knew all the reasons why.

"but— ah, but what about the sports? what about football? and— and volleyball?"

"lost the passion, i suppose."

now you were stunned into silence. giving up on sports altogether? he excelled at football, moving around the opponents with such ease, whenever you watched him play, you thought it resembled a dance more so than a football game. then, there was volleyball — Phainon quickly gained the popularity of someone rather skilled in the game. earlier on, when your bond was still pretty strong, he would always muse about how much he wanted to become a professional — hence why you were surprised to see him back out from all the ambitious plans. it just… was not like him.

your fingers clutched around the sheets involuntarily. "didn’t you want to become a professional?" you asked, your tone a little unstable. "why would you throw it all away, Phainon?"

that evoked a poorly contained grimace out of him, and you almost berated yourself for even venturing out into such topics. obviously, you were still friends — but not on the same level as before. it was a miracle he even wanted to open up to your about this. no matter if all you gained from him were half-assed replies.

"i didn’t throw it away," he corrected, trying to force his lips upwards, "it’s just not my thing anymore."

"what do you do now, then?" you asked, and thought the conversation at hand resembled an interrogation more so than anything. it wasn’t your business anymore — but you couldn’t keep your curiosity at bay. Phainon came to you on his own accord, saying how he wanted to talk more. it’s only logical you’d want to get some informations out of him, so maybe you were not the one to blame.

the man raked his fingers through the fair locks, his shoulders tense. "this and that."

your brows furrowed together. "'this and that' is not an answer, Phainon."

he opened his mouth, as if he was ready to say something, but then paused. his eyes flickered over to floor, locking on nothing in particular. "maybe if you didn’t decide to shun me out, you would know." he murmured, his tone laced with bitterness.

you gaped at him, shame and hurt blooming in your chest tightly. you felt as if your lungs got squeezed by a dozen of snakes, refusing you the oxygen — did you even have the right to act so? "don’t you dare put the whole blame on me. maybe i would reach out, if a certain someone didn’t change his phone number." you hissed, trying to keep your agitation in check. if somehow this escalated into a screaming match, you’d be doomed — by both of your parents.

Phainon’s head whipped in your direction, and now you could fully take in the vivid sadness painted across his face. "it wasn’t up to me."

"then up to who?" you retaliated quickly.

the corners of his lips curled downwards, expression pinched. "don’t pretend like it’s any of your interest, [name]."

damn, damn your heart and your foolish crush on him — if there was a feeling equal to being stabbed, and ripped apart, you definitely felt it now. "listen— i know i messed up, and you have every right to be angry, but don’t take it out on me, okay?" you scream-whispered, wanting nothing more but to get up, and fly out of your window.

"[name]—"

"also," you interrupted, "you came here. you came into my own house, saying you wanted to talk. why’re you acting all offended when i try to ask you about anything?"

that seemed to shut him up — then, he slowly got up, rendering the distance between himself and the unconventional door he decided to take earlier. "maybe i’ll just go." he muttered, bending down to reach for his jacket and bag.

against everything you felt — all the ire and fear — you shoot up from your place, causing him to stop his movements. "wait." you spoke, your feet glued in place. "just— wait. don’t go, Phainon."

friends should not fight too often, but perhaps it was a natural part of maintaining every relationship. you can’t let go of him, not when you tasted the way his kind laughter reverberated through the space — not when you heard his voice, and saw his smile. not again. you were starved, and so, you can’t let that man out of your fingers now.

then, he smirked — all unsure and hesitant. "why? you want to slap me across the face, just for the sake of making me feel even worse about myself?"

you fumbled with your hands, not knowing how you should interpret his words. was it a joke? or a serious remark? you couldn’t discern it from the tone of his voice. "no, you… you wanted to sleep here, right?" you weakly gestured towards his gym bag.

Phainon’s brows lifted, as if even he forgot about the thing you just pointed out. "i guess. i hoped you’d let me crash for tonight, but…" he shrugged, "maybe not anymore."

you shook your head energetically, hoping to get the point across. "i— i am sorry for what i said earlier." you forced out, hoping he would accept your apology. "it’s not my business. i know. and so, i would obviously like you to stay…"

that seemed to please him, if only just slightly. "fine. thanks." he nodded in your direction, his expression easing into something less strained. then, he took off his boots, and sat down on the couch, reaching for the thin blanket from his bag.

you observed him move, carefully, as if he was meant to disappear any moment soon. one thing you’ve noticed about Phainon, is that he definitely talked less now.

you decided to lie down yourself, turning off the light — even though you somehow managed to convince your friend to stay, the tension between you was still palpable. it hung in the air, the hundreds of unspoken grievances and awkwardness looming over you. it wasn’t supposed to turn out like that — but what else can you say?

a prolonged beat of silence passed, and you glanced over to the clock. it was nearing midnight — only five minutes more, and the day will end. you tried to sleep, tossing and turning, attempting to find the best position, but no matter what you did, the mattress seemed oddly uncomfortable. Phainon’s gravely silence only added to the morose atmosphere — earlier on, his insistent chatter would sometimes annoy you, but now?

you wished he would say something. anything. you wanted everything back, the way it once was — with him and you laughing, or bickering over the smallest things. if only he could trust you again… on the other hand, did you trust him?

perhaps it was your upbringing that caused you to perceive Phainon with the slightest of judgement, or maybe the way he carried himself now. still, you couldn’t help but berate yourself for even trying to look at him as if he was some stranger — yes, he changed, but so what? that day he changed too — and back then you didn’t try to estimate him as anything less. you should just suck it up, and accept the current reality, without any disappointment or expectations.

as you kept on mulling over your somber thoughts, Phainon’s voice suddenly pulled you out of the never-ending reveries. "hey, [name]," he began, his tone less self-assured than you were used to, "do you remember when we were smaller, and wanted to take a walk, but ended up being chased by stray dogs?" he snickered quietly, and you felt a little perplexed by his need to reminisce about the past.

"yeah, i do." you answered without much emotion.

he huffed out another laugh. "gods, i can still see your terrified face so clearly." he continued, and you thought the man sounded more faraway than he truly was. "we climbed up that wall, remember? well, not climbed, but rather jumped up. i don’t know how we did that, honestly."

you nodded to yourself, smiling weakly at the memory. "probably adrenaline, or something."

"well, personally i think it was some kind of a foreign power that pulled us up. i mean— c’mon, we were like ten, and the wall was two meters high." your lack of answer urged him to push on with the pondering. "and we had to wait for, uh, one hour? maybe more. at some point, i genuinely thought we were gonna die out there." he hummed, obviously amused with the story, even though his tone still sounded a bit unsure.

"i suppose i felt the same way too." you said briefly. it was true you were utterly scared when that happened.

"or when," he started, stopping halfway to chuckle, "or when you were riding that bike of yours. you know which one, the one with faulty rear brakes."

you found yourself frowning, already knowing where this was headed. "…and?"

"and—" Phainon cackled once more, and you couldn’t help but laugh along with the infectious sound, "and you— and you were riding down that hill with me, remember?"

of course you remembered — it would be extremely hard to forget something of that nature. "please, you don’t have to continue—"

"and then you—" the man took a shaky breath, as if to calm himself down, which only erupted in another salve of giggles from you both, "you wanted to stop at the end, right? but the goddamn brakes weren’t working, so you used the front ones, and went flying."

at this point, you had to push your face into the pillow, or else you’d start wheezing out loud. it wasn’t that funny — was it even funny at all? when that incident took place, you two completely panicked at the sight of your blood, and started to wail. well… upon the retrospection, maybe it was laughable. "gods, shut up, or my—" you scream-whispered, but Phainon interrupted you again.

"oh, or when mr. Anaxa got mad at us!" he said, lifting up his head to look at your lying form across the room.

you sighed, stifling your amusement. "when? there were many such cases." you mused, thinking if you had to count all the moments when your primary school teacher got irritated with your inseparable duet, you would have to sit there until morning.

"y’know, when i said brachiosaurus was better then shantungosaurus — because it is, but that’s off the topic — and you got so angry, you started to beat me up." your friend snickered, and you rolled your eyes in response.

"pfft, yeah. didn’t mr. Anaxa have to separate us at some point?" you recalled, trying to dig out the slightly distant memory. "you… you accidentally hit him then, didn’t you?"

now it was Phainon’s turn to groan in embarrassment. "well, yes! but as you said, it was an accident. if i knew he was standing there, i wouldn’t do nothing!"

you huffed under your nose, taking in the man’s grinning expression, obscured by the darkness of your room. "nah, i’m starting to think you actually did that with premeditation."

"why would i?" he protested, "that bastard then practically dragged us by the collars to the principal’s office! and even there you still tried to argue about the damn dinosaurs."

that sounded just right — back in primary school, you both were fierce dinosaur fans. unfortunately, even though you shared the passion, your opinions weren’t exactly the same, which caused you to collide more often than not.

"good old times. sometimes i miss getting detentions with you." you hummed, thinking that sitting in complete silence with Phainon in one classroom, intently observed by some teacher, was much better than having to study for the upcoming exams.

after a short pause, it was your turn to suddenly remember something funny. "or when i just came back from a trip abroad, and forgot about your birthday.”

Phainon’s brows narrowed, as if he couldn’t exactly discern when that happened — but after a second, the fuses in his brain seemed to lit up, causing him to send you an abashed smile. "oh c’mon, not that one…" he muttered, sinking into the couch.

"i paraded into your room one day after the fact, tugging that gift bag along— and what do i see?" you paused for a giggle, "poor Phainon, crying his eyes out, and chasing me away."

he huffed, kind of embarrassed by the memory. "i was like twelve!" he retaliated, shifting under his thin blanket.

you rolled your eyes, your head falling back onto the pillow. "and you were mad, but the second i gave you that dog encyclopedia, you immediately stopped wailing. works like a charm, no?"

"well," Phainon began, "it’s not my fault that i used to be a…"

"crybaby?"

"no!" he grimaced through his barely contained joy, "i was sensitive, is all. wouldn’t you feel bad if i forgot about your birthday?"

you shrugged. "i know you since we were five, and you literally forgot about my birthday every year."

that seemed to put an end to your little dispute — with you proving your point, and Phainon being left to his own thoughts on the topic. the day of brith was never really celebrated in your family, so perhaps that’s why it kept slipping the boy’s mind. you never made it out to be a big deal — you’re a year older, so what? on the other hand, Phainon was always overly-excited for his parties, chirping to you about how fun it would be. you remember his last birthday celebration before it happened, and you were forced to go your separate ways. he was the 'golden boy' back then, beloved by everyone — so it was a surprise to see that out of all people invited, only a small few decided to actually arrive. Phainon seemed utterly despaired then, but after some time, you got busy with your usual shenanigans — running around his yard, causing way too much ruckus, just like children do. you don’t think you’ll ever enjoy yourself as much as that day.

as you drifted into silence, way more comfortable than the previous one, another memory sparkled in your brain. "or, Phainon, do you remember when we wanted to have a sleepover in my garden?” you asked, your eyes still keen on him.

the man chuckled under his nose, the corners of his lips curling upwards. "and is the sky blue?"

you let out an amused noise, running your hand over your face. "it was so funny, i swear to god i laugh every time i even think about it."

"is our distress really that funny to you, [name]?" he hummed sarcastically — because, obviously, half of the hilarious situations you found yourself in during your childhood was disastrous; with you or him either crying, bleeding from scraped knees and elbows, or running away from something. seriously, you were such troublemakers…

you snickered lowly. "uh, how old were we? eleven?" Phainon nodded in response, urging you to continue. "and we set up that tent. it was barely holding up."

"well," he began, "i told you we should ask your dad for help, but you were stubborn. as always."

"no, it was the other way around!"

"really? no… no it wasn’t!" he retaliated, his eyebrows narrowing in contemplation, as if the memory was too far away.

you rolled your eyes. "yes, it was. i said my dad could help, and you started blabbering something about, uh," you paused, trying to remember what it was, "trying to become a survivalist? in forests?”

"yeah, i mean, that’s still an option for me." he laughed quietly, making you respond with the same.

"so you do remember!" you said, trying to keep your voice level. "anyway, we set everything up, waited until it was night, and then the storm came. oh, the way we practically bolted out of that stupid tent…"

"you almost pissed yourself when you heard the thunder."

"no, i didn’t!” you protested, even though it was true you were absolutely scared at that moment — you don’t like storms to this day, always afraid of the nature’s rage. "it was you who sprinted to my house, Phainon."

he shrugged, and you continued. "and then, i think we watched some dumb horror movie? i don’t know what made us do that."

your friend breathed, a wide smile stretching his lips. "again, your idea. younger you seriously had a few screws loose."

"maybe, but so did you, because halfway through that film, you decided to barricade us in my bathroom, with brooms for the weapons!"

that evoked a louder laugh out of Phainon, and you threw one of your pillows at his head, hissing at him to be quieter. he caught it effortlessly, peeking at you through his newly found shield. "hey, you weren’t opposed to the idea, though.” he remarked, trying to maintain his tone as low as possible.

"well… no, but that’s because you kept scaring me, to the point where you somehow managed to scare yourself too, and i didn’t want you to pass out from fear."

"i mean, that horror was spooky."

you huffed. "we were kids. everything could be spooky, especially with all that blood flying around."

Phainon hummed, sitting straight up. "do you remember its name? we could watch it now, and then we’ll see." he offered, and you didn’t fail to spot the brief glimmer of challenge in his eyes. just like it was before.

you sat too, reaching for the laptop on your bedside table, and patting the place beside you on the mattress. "i do.” you responded, not able to fight through the grin blooming on your face.

the man quickly scrambled up from the couch, now seating himself comfortably next to you. your faces were brightened by the blue light coming from the screen, and you had to squint a little. "if you get scared, then i’ll officially lose all respect for you." you teased, typing the horror’s name on the keyboard.

Phainon merely shrugged, acting all nonchalant. "yeah, in your dreams."

you chuckled, finally pressing play after conquering a few annoying pop-ups, and then, everything seemed to click right in place, with him right beside you.

for whatever reason, it wasn’t a surprise to you once Phainon clung to your arm when barely thirty minutes of the movie passed, flinching at every jumpscare. you’d make fun of him, if not for your own beating heart — it didn’t drum in the rhythm of fear, but rather something much, much deeper. curse your stupid crush.

——

the past three weeks were rather… confusing.

it all started innocently, albeit sadly, with you failing that chemistry test you were supposed to study for — which, of course, you didn’t do, because you got busy with Phainon’s company, watching a couple more films until dawn.

then, his visits became pretty much reoccurring. he gave you his phone number, and told you to call whenever you got bored — and with the monotony of your life, you texted and called him more often than not. through your phone’s screen, he almost resembled his old self, spamming every message with a multitude of emoticons and exclamation marks — and so you couldn’t get enough.

if not for texting or calling, then meeting up. after that night of yours, majority of the walls around you seemed to crumble, and you were back at it with the usual bicker, and whatnot. well, unfortunately, you got very close to getting caught by your mother one day, so Phainon ceased his visits for now.

after some time, you became fed up with the distance, and perhaps so did he, because he asked you out to go somewhere with him — he didn’t specify where, or at what time, so you were forced to quickly change at 2AM, clumsily sneaking out through your window. when you grabbed onto the lush vines growing on the wall, you thought how impressive it is for Phainon to effortlessly climb up and down.

well, never mind that — you had bigger problems, because right now, you were standing in the middle of a mall’s parking lot, surrounded by dozens of cars and strangers.

it was a 'car spot', as Phainon called it. personally, you didn’t see the appeal, and surely you didn’t want to hover around, waiting for the people to finish their illegal races through town.

however, the man seemed so sweetly excited — and you didn’t have the heart to turn him down, so you pretended to be interested in the luxurious cars, nodding along as he explained something about a specific model. you didn’t understand anything, for the record.

you pulled your jumper tighter around yourself, attempting to stop the clattering of your teeth as you observed yet another car speed through, annoyingly obnoxious music reaching your ears from afar. you wondered whether your mom found out about your little escapade, and how doomed you’d be if she does.

Phainon, on the other hand, didn’t seem moved at all, leaning on the side of some vehicle, and chattering with his friends — at least you thought they were, looking at he way they didn’t introduce themselves.

someone roared their engine, and you winced at the loud noise, stepping a bit closer to the man. Phainon immediately sensed your discomfort, turning to face you with a slightly nervous smile. "[name], everything alright?" he asked, touching your shoulder.

you nodded, straining your lips to return the gesture. "yeah."

no matter your thoughts reeled over and over, making you utterly anxious — was this trip even a good idea?

"no, you’re not" Phainon decided in your stead, and you could feel almost relieved at his perceptivity. "you’re cold, i can see. there’s a vending machine with hot drinks close by. i’ll go and buy you something." he stated, leaving no room for protest.

you observed him walk away, now left alone with the few other people. they smiled at you, and you cleared your throat in response, thinking how awfully poor your social skills were. was it really worth it, spending the most of your teenage years alone, nose-deep inside all those books?

you glanced around yourself, trying not to appear nervous or awkward. then, as you shifted on your feet, one of the men stepped closer to you, sending you an easy smirk.

"hey, you good?" he asked, leaning in a bit too much for your liking. "you look pale."

"no, i’m fine." you muttered, wanting to create some distance between you, but the hand sneaking around your arm successfully restrained you from it.

the stranger hummed, gesturing with his head towards one of the cars. "want me to give you a ride? i’m sure you’d warm up in an instant." he chuckled, and you had to stop yourself from grimacing.

"no, thanks." you said, suddenly feeling hot. perhaps that drink won’t be needed, after all.

"why not?" he pressed, his eyebrows knitting together. "i’m sure you’d like it. or maybe you’re just a little scared, huh?"

you wanted to crumble into yourself, clenching your hands into fists. your gaze locked on the ground, wishing it would open and swallow you whole, because for some reason, you couldn’t yell at the man and tell him to get lost. "i already told you, i’m—"

you didn’t get the chance to finish your sentence before the stranger got rapidly yanked back, and shoved into one of the cars. you gasped along with the crowd, your eyes flying over to Phainon’s face, who just came back with your drink.

"gods, Phainon, it’s alright, really!" you forced out, stress squeezing your stomach as you watched his expression, bordering on something you couldn’t exactly discern. well, putting it shortly — he was angry. probably.

the man scrambled to his feet, spitting beside his own shoes. "hey, who do you think you are? i was talking to her!" he grunted, puffing out his chest in a feeble attempt of appearing more intimidating than he truly was.

Phainon’s scowl only deepened as he grabbed that person’s shirt, tugging him in, before giving another push back. "you want to pick up your teeth from the ground?" he snarled, the muscle in his jaw tensing.

the man heaved, taking a small step forwards, and then deciding it probably wasn’t worth it. "and what’re you gonna do, huh, pretty boy?"

you gaped at both of them, frozen on your feet, wishing you could do, or say anything — but as always, your words seemed to fail you. Phainon laughed humorlessly in response, carefully hooking his arm around your shoulder. "i’m gonna make you regret messing with my girlfriend, that’s what." he sneered, and your heart jumped up — girlfriend?!

the man mouthed something under his breath, wiping his nose without much finesse, and finally backing out from the group of people that managed to gather around the commotion. you watched him get into his car with haste, and honestly, you weren’t surprised — your friend was much bigger than him, so picking any fights would be… well, an obvious defeat.

Phainon pulled you away as well, taking wide steps from the crowd. then, as you finally stopped on the side, he turned to look at you with apology in his eyes. "i’m— i’m sorry. did that asshole try anything funny with you?"

you shook your head, finally relaxing. "no, no, i’m okay. still, i’m angry at you for leaving me alone there." you mumbled, kicking a small pebble. "and what was that? your girlfriend?"

he sighed, running his fingers through the fair locks. "i— i didn’t have any other idea, really!" he tried explaining, and you had to stop yourself from smiling at his mopey expression.

"ah, it’s alright. i didn’t mind." you huffed out a brief chuckle, and that seemed to ease the man’s nerves, because the look he gave you was sickly sweet.

you studied Phainon’s face for a second, and thought he really did appear… how do you say this? love-struck? you were absolutely convinced if you asked him to kneel before you now, he would, without any hesitation. that’s right — you chose to ignore it earlier, but now it was quite evident. the moment you stepped into this parking lot, Phainon was already keeping you close, and glaring at anyone who dared even glance your way. perhaps that is the reason as to why nobody tried talking to you with him around.

he wasn’t always like that — and you couldn’t tell why, or what changed, but now your friend seemed glued to your hip, like some kind of a guard dog. if that stranger didn’t back out, you were sure he genuinely would have to pick up his teeth, gripping at the bleeding gums. it made you feel a little concerned — the thought that Phainon was able of doing something like that, provoked merely by someone embracing you.

alas, you weren’t worried for anyone’s well-being, but rather for your friend’s, and maybe that’s the most awful aspect of it all. his knuckles would bruise, and oh, it would hurt as hell. you didn’t want to see him in pain, especially when it was in your name.

still, it was… enticing. pulling you in, like a magnet. Phainon — at least to some degree — cared about you so deeply he would bleed for you. and gods, wasn’t it absolutely captivating? the way he could go from a snarling grimace to a kind smile, his eyes softening the moment he lied them upon you.

and after a while of pondering, you decided it was worth sneaking out.

——

you dragged your feet forwards on the truss bridge you’d have to cross every time you walked to and came back from school. it’s been a month since that outing of yours with Phainon, and the weather was surprisingly nice — sure, it was chilly outside, but the sun still shone on the sky, and for that, you were grateful. if not for the brightness of the day, you’d surely slide down the spiral of your misery.

meetings with Phainon, and sneaking out late at night took a toll on you — perhaps not mentally, but physically. you were rather exhausted during the day, hence why you didn’t have the strength (nor motivation) to study. this, of course, resulted in countless fights with your parents who were hellbent on finding out what made you suddenly so uninterested in school. they have tried grounding you, lecturing you — none worked, and you were too occupied with your current… infatuation, to even try and listen to them.

still, their words hurt more so than they helped, so it only discouraged you further.

you sighed heavily, your eyes stuck on the ground as you were already preparing your spirit for another onslaught of judgmental looks when you return home. cars drove by next to you, their engines loud enough to muffle out the darkness of your thoughts. does it even matter at this point? you’ll retake all the tests, but simply later. as for now, you didn’t feel like telling Phainon you needed to get busy with school — your friendship (or perhaps something deeper) just rekindled. you missed him so much, and now you’d have to stop? yeah, no way.

you continued your slow walk through the bridge, making sure to stick close to the railing, when something — or rather someone — suddenly pulled at your school-bag, whisking it away.

with a surprised yelp, you looked up, mentally ready for another clash with some muggers — however the sight of a wide smile along with white, tousled hair immediately eased your fear. you huffed in a mixture of amusement and frustration, your eyebrows narrowing at Phainon.

"why, hello [name]." he greeted in a sing-song voice, swinging the bag over his shoulder.

you crossed your arms over your chest, wondering whether he waited here for you — the man once walked you to school, so he must have remembered the whole route. obviously, he had no business standing here and doing nothing, so the answer was clear — and it made your heart swell with affection. "hi. what’re you doing?" you asked lightly, observing him slowly stroll around with your things.

Phainon let out an airy laugh. "thought i’d see you." he replied nonchalantly, shrugging. "don’t tell anyone, but i’ve missed this girl called [name] so much, it almost killed me."

you hummed, your eyebrows arching upwards. "you literally saw me yesterday."

"well, yeah," he began, prolonging the syllables of his words, "but, y’know how it is.”

"so, how long have you waited here?"

another shrug. "half an hour, or so. gazing at the view," he gesticulated towards the lake, tightly hugged by trees of auburn, "thinking of—"

"annoying me, i presume?" you chuckled, leaning over the railing of the bridge.

the man feigned offense at your words, gasping dramatically. "no, i wouldn’t dare!"

"then please, give me back my bag. unless you want to carry it home for me.” you outstretched your hand forward, waiting for Phainon to obediently give you your belongings back.

instead, he looked around confused, pretending as if he didn’t see you. "nope."

you sighed, but obviously didn’t get irritated at his shenanigans. you simply couldn’t, not when he had that characteristic, endearing expression. "please?"

Phainon seemed to consider your words before another idea sparkled in his brain, tugging his mouth into a mischievous smirk. he looked upwards at the construction of the bridge, placing his hand on the sturdy skeleton. then, he set his foot on the metal, tugging himself upwards. your mind short circuited, watching him climb up the truss bridge — along with your bag, mind you! — and you let out a noise of sheer exasperation.

"Phainon! don’t, you’re gonna fall!" you called after him, trying your best not to panic. just how crazy that man was?

he ignored you for another few seconds, finally stopping once he was at the top. you were sure your stomach did a backflip. "don’t worry, i’ve done it before!" he yelled back, smiling down at you. then, he shook off your bag from his shoulder, dangling it dangerously in the air.

you remembered Phainon’s dumb habit of stealing your things, and lifting them up in the air, so you wouldn’t be able to reach them — it got especially annoying when he had his growth spurt, towering over you like a tall birch tree. you stepped closer to where he was, just in case that fool accidentally dropped your things.

"get down!"

your friend snickered teasingly, shaking his head. "come get your bag, [name]!"

you weren’t a lunatic, unlike him, so of course, you would not.

"you donkey, get down or i’ll—" you strained your voice to dominate over the clamor of the road, and suddenly, a loud honk resonated through the space — coming from a truck driving by, most likely.

Phainon probably didn’t expect the noise, and as you predicted, he startled, almost losing his balance on the high construction. he dropped your bag, and you couldn’t do anything but watch it descend towards the lake with horror. it hooked over something, dangling above the water — you groaned, leaning over the barrier to observe the bag, and thought of how you’ll kill him once he sets his feet back on the ground.

the man seemed to suddenly appear beside you, the look on his face probably paler than yours. "i’m so sorry, i’ll come get it, i promise." he said, panicked.

you rolled your eyes dismissively, breathing with defeat. "it’s alright. i don’t want you falling in the water as well." you mumbled, but Phainon’s expression twisted into determination.

he quickly hooked his leg over the railing, his eyebrows narrowing together. "no, i’ll get it. it was my fault."

you grabbed Phainon’s arm, and now it was your turn to panic. was he seriously going to risk his life just to get your stupid bag? sure, there were some textbooks in there, along with your phone, but it was not worth it! "are you out of your mind?" you hissed, but he shrugged your grip away.

"it’ll be fine." he smiled at you reassuringly, stepping over to the other side of the railing. oh, gods, what if he slips? you won’t be able of even calling for help!

you observed him take slow, measured steps, lowering his body until he could reach for the bag’s strap. it was still out of his touch, and you wished to scream at that moron to abandon his stupid task, but the tightness in your throat stopped you.

Phainon was now crouching, straining his arm to grab the thing. your heart hammered as you watched him lean dangerously away from the bridge, nudging the bag. after a few seconds of what felt like eternity, the man finally grasped it, a triumphant noise ripping from his lungs. you exhaled in relief, thanking the gods watching over you both — then, Phainon pulled himself upright, handing you the bag. in comparison to your ghostly expression, he looked rather pleased with himself.

your friend hummed with satisfaction, his hands clenching around the railing. "whew, for a second there, i thought i’d really die." he chuckled, still yet to hop over.

you quickly hooked the bag on your shoulder, reaching for his forearms, as if you were afraid he’d fall — which wasn’t all impossible. "thanks, now come here." you demanded, attempting not to sound utterly terrified.

Phainon cocked his head to the side, giving you a lopsided grin. "y’know, [name], when i was hovering above my demise, i had a certain thought." he stated, matter-of-factly, "wouldn’t you want to run away with me?"

you gaped at him, astonished. what kind of question is that? "the hell? come back here, and don’t ask stupid questions, or something bad will happen!” you scolded, the anxiety still drumming within your veins with fervor as you dug your fingers into his arms, pulling forwards.

the man merely laughed at your efforts, letting go of the barrier, and grasping your palms in his. your blood pressure picked up, making the trail of your thoughts lag altogether. "answer me, and i will." he coerced with that unrelenting smile.

your jaw slacked before you nodded stiffly as you forced yourself to speak. "fine. we can run off to wherever you want."

he seemed pleased with your decision, beaming at you before swiftly hopping over the barrier. "really?"

"yes, really." you affirmed, and now you weren’t sure whether you were lying, or telling the truth. after all, you have a promising life in front of you — but at the same time, Phainon had you on a string. it wasn’t sturdy, like rope or chains, rather feeble in its nature — but it still was there, and you didn’t do anything to severe it.

it almost felt as if he was destined to you — and you couldn’t yet discern whether it was in the form of a blessing, or a punishment.

your friend sneaked his hand around your frame, pressing you into his side, and you felt your knees get even wobblier than before (if that was even possible). "so be it. once you graduate, we’re out of this hellhole." he decided, taking a step forward, tugging you along.

you couldn’t help but lean your head on his shoulder, nodding. when you thought about it, maybe it was the most enticing option you ever had. "yeah. that’s what we’ll do."

——

early winter came, and with the coldness, your brain seemed to lose the majority of its IQ points, because there was no way you were really doing this right now.

Phainon offered to do something fun, and exciting — but neither of you were especially packed with money at that moment, so he simply shrugged, saying he already had a brilliant idea, that surely wouldn’t get you in any sort of trouble.

you don’t know why you decided to agree to all of this, but at the same time, the vision of committing a literal crime was thrilling. if you get caught — well, you’ll go to jail. but if you succeed? gosh, the stories you could tell would be out of this world.

so, you now stood beside Phainon, wrapping your winter jacket tighter around your body as you looked around, making sure no one was coming. the town you lived in was half-dead, half-filled with senior citizens — and it wasn’t hard to guess whether anyone would be strolling on the streets during such a late hour. it was a little after 3AM, so the road was completely devoid of any souls, with only you and your partner-in-crime, hovering in front of the ice cream parlor.

when you first heard Phainon offer you break into the shop, you laughed, wholeheartedly believing it was a mere jest. well, as it turns out, the man was serious. then, you inquired: why this place out of every possible options?, and he briefly proceeded to explain something about the lack of alarms, or cameras. you thought it was only logical — after all, who would need such things in an ice cream parlor?

you carefully observed him fiddle with the lock, grunting under his breath as he forced some tools inside — you honestly had no idea of how breaking in works (because, why would you?), so you kept quiet. upon retrospection, it was almost baffling how Phainon, earlier being a cheerful little boy, now turned into someone who didn’t fret before such acts. still, you couldn’t say you were any better — you were in this together, and it was you who agreed to the idea. at least he descended his path of demoralization at a slower pace, while you practically chased after him, throwing away everything your parents instilled within your brain in a span of three months.

you glanced up again, searching with your eyes for anything suspicious — and as you were scanning the area, you finally heard the characteristic click. Phainon exhaled in satisfaction, pocketing the tools. "we’re in." he announced shortly, a mischievous smirk stretching his lips.

you smiled back, the thread of anticipation and stress threatening to snap in your stomach. this was crazy. utterly crazy, and yet you still couldn’t help but cheer quietly, patting his back. "finally, i almost froze my ass off waiting here."

Phainon chuckled, pushing the door open, and stepping to the side. "ladies first, of course." he gestured at the entrance, and you thanked him with a nod, starting to tentatively walk into the space.

the inside of the shop was obviously dark, but not pitch-black, due to the lamps outside. you examined everything with caution, as if afraid of some beast suddenly emerging from behind the tables, and pouncing on you. your friend, on the other hand, didn’t seem bothered at all, leisurely strolling about the space.

"well, do you like it?" he asked happily, stepping beside the counter.

you huffed out a silent laugh, caressing the wall’s surface, as if you weren’t sure whether it truly existed, or was but a fleeting dream. "to be honest, i really can’t believe we’re doing this." you admitted, keeping your tone low.

Phainon leaned over the surface, beckoning you with a wave of his hand. "oh, relax." he hummed, sensing the trace of distress on your face. "perhaps this lovely client would fancy an ice cream?” he offered you a crooked grin, reaching for the scoop and dangling it around in the air.

you dragged your feet over to his form, thinking that if you were a true patron, you’d certainly fall for his charms, and order at least ten different flavors. "alright. what do you got?" you giggled, amused by the play-pretend between you.

the man lifted the glass surface, opening one of the metal containers. his eyes scanned the letters on it, finally making out what it said. "mango," he stated, opening another one, "this one’s… cotton candy."

you considered Phainon’s words for a second, tapping your nails on the counter’s surface. "i’ll have mango." you decided, observing him scoop the thing, and put it inside a waffle cone with so much confidence, it almost looked as if it wasn’t his first time.

"any toppings?" he asked, his eyebrows lifting upwards as he rummaged through the various containers placed around.

"yes, definitely." you nodded, "uh… what about some sprinkles?"

Phainon took a generous amount of the colorful stuff, sprinkling it on the scoop. he then handed you the ice cream, smiling sweetly. "that will be one dollar."

you scoffed, feigning surprise. "i don’t have this much!" you retaliated, reaching your hand out to steal the cone out of the man’s grasp.

instead of giving it to you, Phainon clicked his tongue, his expression twisting into a teasing smirk. "oh? we’re gonna have a problem, then." he laughed, pulling the food away from your face.

that evoked a groan out of you, making you slump in defeat. "c’mon, i’m starving!"

your friend pretended to mull over your words, his eyes set keenly on you. you loved and hated that look at the same time — and it was for one reason. it simply made you feel things so deep, it stopped resembling a mere crush. "okay, okay. here you go." he snickered, passing you the cone.

you took it gratefully, licking at the cold sweetness. it was tasty — if not for the nagging sense of urgency, you’d ask for another one. "thanks. do you want one too?" you asked, gesturing with your head towards the containers.

Phainon shrugged. "nah, i’m good. could i try yours, though?"

if not for the fact you still had at least a part of your wits with you, you’d drop your ice cream to the floor. he was… he was literally asking to—

"yeah, sure." you forced out quickly, and he took it from your hands. you watched him take a bite out of the icy food, and you grimaced at the sight, imagining just how much it would hurt your teeth. "gods, are you crazy? what normal person bites ice cream?" you baffled at him.

Phainon didn’t seem especially moved by your comment, handing you the thing back. "what? it’s faster this way."

"i bet." you rolled your eyes, huffing out a quiet noise of astonishment.

after you were done eating, you closed everything up the way it was, and decided you had enough of your fun — then, as you were walking out, Phainon already readying his picking tools to somehow lock the door back, the worst of your worries happened, making you freeze on your feet.

blue and red lights, coming your way from the distance.

you breathed in sharply through your nose, feeling the coldness of the air penetrate your lungs without mercy, and you tugged at Phainon’s arm, hastily directing his attention to the point of your horror. his eyes widened at the sight.

"shit," he cursed under his breath, immediately abandoning the task of closing the door, "we need to go."

"well, obviously, but where?!" you scream-whispered at him, looking around with panic. oh no, no, no, if you get caught now, your life would be officially over! why did you agree to this? why would you commit a literal crime without any—

your friend’s hand clasped around yours, snapping you out of your internal stupor — and you could almost thank him for grounding you, because if not, you’d remain there, waiting for the inevitable instead of fleeing. "c’mon, we don’t have the time to think." he hissed, pulling you to the right without any hesitation.

you both broke into a sprint, and you swear you’ve never ran this fast in your whole life. your lungs burned, the metallic taste soon appearing in your throat as you bolted through the empty street, practically tugged forwards by Phainon. he was sporty, and his legs were much longer than yours, so you had no choice but to try and somehow match his pace.

still, you couldn’t help but feel… a little free? liberated? no matter you almost got caught — no matter your whole body ached, demanding to stop, and collapse. this wild, foreign need of running even faster grew in your mind, and at this point, you thought you might grow wings.

as you neared towards the local park, Phainon turned briefly to check up on you, and you didn’t fail to spot the smile stretched across his features. was he having as much fun as you were? it sounded insane, but that was the truth. escaping the police was endearing, and you could berate yourself for even mustering up such a conclusion, however at the same time, you didn’t care.

you were afraid, and you were happy. things like that can coexist together; ambivalent emotions aren’t anything foreign to the complex structure of the human brain — people evolved into creatures of impeccable minds and intelligence, years upon years crafting them into literal beasts. were your predecessors, back from the older times, also thrilled by the chase, even if they were on the receiving end of it?

he tugged you harder now, and you almost tripped over your own feet, ripping through the neatly trimmed bushes, which shielded the park away from the road. you continued sprinting until you stopped by some denser flora, pulling yourself by the twigs that you were sure left rips on your jacket. then, Phainon finally let go of your hand, and you both wheezed in exhaustion, leaning on the tree’s trunk.

you slid down, sitting on the cold ground as you coughed, wiping the sweat away from your forehead. Phainon followed suit, allowing you to secure your torso on his side — and after a long while of heavy breathing, and calming down your trembling limbs, you looked at him. his bright-blue irises were already on you.

then, you laughed. you bursted out into a fit of giggles, dragging your palm across your face, and you wondered why you felt so much joy. "oh, i can’t—" you paused, letting out another cough, "i can’t believe we just did that!" you exclaimed, the need of checking out your surroundings long gone, completely dissolved by the magnetic pull of the man’s eyes.

Phainon snickered along, shaking his head. "not my first rodeo." he hummed — and maybe it was the lack of oxygen in your brain causing you to do this, but you hooked your arms around his neck, pulling him in closer. you expected some kind of a comment from him, a teasing remark, but all he did was embrace you back, pressing your chest into his. "i’m sorry you had to go through that. it was supposed to be fun." he murmured, but you didn’t sense any kind of remorse in his voice. it wasn’t needed, anyway.

"it was fun. really." you said, still grinning at him so widely, your cheeks started to hurt.

then, some kind of a deep silence fell over you — engulfing, devouring. no sounds. everyone was asleep, all the animals gone, hidden away from the chill of the night. no roars of engine, no merry chatter of people, no rustling in the twigs.

you realized neither of you moved even an inch, as if the winter decided to freeze you in place for good. Phainon’s face was so close to you, his gaze locked somewhere between your eyes and nose. you felt warm.

"[name]," he started, his voice quiet, and yet so clear, "i need to tell you something."

you itched impossibly closer, your arms around his neck tightening. you opened your mouth to respond, to let him continue with his trail of thought, but then, his eyes fell on your lips — and your heart hammered so intensely, you wondered how is it possible you didn’t come down with a cardiac arrest.

he didn’t say anything, instead connecting your lips with his own, and you felt as if the whole world stopped spinning. it happened. the thing you dreamed about for so many years finally happened.

against all your power, you let out a surprised noise, allowing your body to go slack in Phainon’s hold. his lips were so tender — you didn’t mind how chapped they were from sprinting in the cold. all you could feel was his summery breath, tingling your face as you continued to melt into the kiss. your eyelids fluttered shut, and when you sensed him gently tilt your head to the side, you obliged without any kind of protest.

it was your first time. you had no clue whether what you were doing was right — but it felt like it, so you entangled your fingers through Phainon’s fair locks, gripping at them, as if the man was about to dissipate into space. you didn’t want to part, but your mind swirled, fiercely demanding some air — so you pulled away, slowly, letting out a quiet chuckle at your friend’s dazed expression.

Phainon blinked twice, snapping out of his stupor. you carefully let go of him, creating some space between you. "is that what you wanted to say?" you asked breathily, tucking some stray strands of hair away from his eyes.

he smiled giddily at you, a nervous laugh ripping from his slightly sore throat. "uh, yeah, i mean— yeah. i mean! what i wanted to say is that— [name], i really, really like you, and—" he stammered, stumbling over his own words, obviously still out of it. "and i’m sorry if you don’t like me like that, and i don’t want to ruin our friendship, so…"

you decided to take pity on him, grabbing the man’s jaw, and pressing another chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth, successfully shutting him up. "here, that’s my answer." you hummed, unable to fight through the all-consuming affection spreading through every single fiber of your body.

"does that mean you…?" Phainon trailed off, still staring at you dumbly, as if the message didn’t get delivered to his brain.

you nodded, and before you could say anything, he practically launched himself at you, smothering you with the rib-crushing hug. you giggled in response, embracing him back, and you thought you won in the lottery of life. undoubtedly so.

Phainon changed — he was no longer the way he used to be, but when he cradled you with so much joy, you thought that you misjudged the situation.

perhaps, everything was still the same.

——

the new year’s eve was not supposed to be celebrated alone, so it wasn’t a surprise when a few days prior, Phainon texted you, asking whether you’d like to join him at his friend’s party.

obviously, you would never turn down such an offer, especially coming from your boyfriend (after that incident at the park, you were too stunned with everything to even consider asking a simple: 'what are we?' — so when a few days passed, Phainon seemed to finally gather the courage. he brought you flowers, which you couldn’t keep, because you decided to hide your relationship away from your parents. then, he continued to circle around the topic, until you caught on his intentions, and bestowed him with mercy of announcing your officialdom).

so, with that in mind, you practically begged your parents to let you go. you made up some false story about one of your school girl friends throwing a small function — no alcohol, no cigarettes, no fireworks. that seemed to placate their doubts, and they allowed you to go (not without earlier scolding about all the bad grades you were getting).

it was troublesome to make your lie somewhat believable — you donned a rather simple attire, but still elegant enough not to gather any back-handed comments. you were going to a real party, not a little get-together of your imaginary friend. if anybody pointed out how poor your clothing looked, you’d probably crumble from shame — so you made your best to look presentable, but avoid raising any suspicion from your parents.

then, the transport. Phainon offered to drive you there, of course, however you had to stick to your story. you traversed half of the way on foot, shivering from cold as you tried your best not to slip on the icy pavement, covered with a blanket of snow. only then you called up the man, saying he could pick you up now.

as you were driving there, happily conversing about something trivial, your father started to phone you. you told Phainon to pull over, and turn off the engine, in case your speakers managed to catch the sound. you proceeded to convince your parent you were still walking, and that you were, indeed, safe.

after that, everything seemed to go smoothly. you were introduced to some people, and attempted to look as relaxed as possible, forgoing the habit of fumbling with your fingers or jewelry. you didn’t have the intentions to, because you’ve never done it before, however it is common knowledge that alcohol eases the edge off — so you got drunk on cheap beer.

and right now, you definitely regretted it.

"Phainon," you drawled, leaning on the completely sober man’s shoulder, "i don’t feel so well."

your vision was doubling, and honestly, you were sure if you had another cup, you’d start to get nauseous. he looked at you with worry, his eyebrows furrowing together as he tugged the hair away from your face. "i told you it wasn’t the best idea, [name]." he said, pulling his arm around your waist to keep you upright.

you huffed, looking around the darkness of the room, illuminated only by some leds, flickering around the ceiling in a full variety of colors. a few people were dancing around you carelessly, laughing and screaming the lyrics of some upbeat pop song. "yeah, well… i’m sorry i didn’t listen to you."

yes, Phainon had you listen to a whole lecture of his the moment he spotted you hovering around with a red cup — saying how bad you’ll feel later, and that it wasn’t worth it. unfortunately, you were in your late rebellious phase, and upon tasting freedom, you discarded his warnings.

"c’mon, do you need to go to the restroom?" he asked, pulling you up from the couch you helplessly plopped on a few seconds ago.

you shook your head. "no, i just need some fresh air, i guess." you mumbled, surprised to hear your words slurring so much.

Phainon smiled at you reassuringly, leading you towards the vestibule. he was so understanding, and still so sweet, even though he certainly didn’t approve of your drunken state. you were starting to feel guilty.

he sat you down, searching for the pair of shoes you discarded by the door. after he found them, Phainon kneeled in front of your legs, slipping the patent leather shoes on, and gently clasping the straps around your feet. "i can— i can manage by myself, y’know…" you whined, watching him reach for your jacket.

"i know." he chuckled, draping it around your frame, patiently waiting for you to finally put your arms through the sleeves. "but i want to help you, if i can."

you reciprocated his smile, closing your eyes when the man’s lips pressed to your forehead, giving you a brief kiss. you were acting like love-sick fools, weren’t you?

you stood up, a little wobbly as you walked outside, finding a suitable bench to rest on. right now, the spot looked obscure — mud and wet snow mixing into one, icicles hanging from the roof of the small gazebo. still, you couldn’t care less, leaning on Phainon’s side, and clenching your hand around his. the air was crisp, and it managed to clear your head, if only just a little.

however, you still felt self-conscious. the man beside you was sober — throughout the four months of your newly-rekindled friendship, you never saw him drink, or even smoke a cigarette. it was a good thing, of course, but it made you slightly nervous. what if he changed his mind about you? he was sticking to his self-made rules, contrasting with his usual lifestyle — and you? you were drunk out of your mind, breathing heavily as you tried to compose yourself.

the muffled sound of music somewhat soothed your overwhelmed senses, and you allowed yourself to watch a few unfamiliar men, setting up fireworks in the distant part of the garden. you weren’t sure if they were doing it properly — the glass bottles appeared hardly reliable, one of them stumbling over when the man pushed the stick of the firework inside. they were practically begging for a disaster.

you glanced up at Phainon, who seemed to be observing the whole charade as well. then, as if those strangers managed to sense your eyes on them, they abandoned their task. the group of two walked closer to the gazebo, grinning at Phainon more so than at you. were they his friends? most probably.

"why aren’t you inside?" one of them inquired, his tone playful. they were drunk too. "it’s cold as fuck out here."

your boyfriend shrugged, his expression rather unreadable. "we needed to catch some air." he responded briefly, his irises flickering over to your slouched silhouette. you kept quiet.

the second man nodded, reaching into his pocket. "yeah, okay. anyway, it’s still like… twenty minutes before midnight. wanna go ride around?"

Phainon scoffed, his eyebrows rising upwards without much humor. "both of you are drunk. there’s no way i’ll get in the car with you."

that didn’t seem to please neither of them. "what the hell, man? since when are you so stuck-up?"

you felt an argument coming up, so you squeezed his hand in a silent warning. you weren’t in the mood to listen to their cursing, and hollering. "since always. and it’s not your business, so get lost and go back to playing with those fireworks." he retaliated sternly. all you could do was sigh in defeat, mentally preparing yourself for whatever was coming next.

the man standing towards your left sneered. "i see how it is. that girl of yours softened you up." he gestured at you with his chin, smirking.

your eyes flickered up to Phainon, and you wanted to berate yourself for your drunken state. why is it that you always are incapable of actually stopping the situation before it could erupt? universe must really hate you, because soon the three of men started to practically bark at each other — the duo spat some curses at you, calling you names. and that was all it took.

everything that happened then occurred in such chaos, you were not able of mustering up anything as you stood on your wobbly legs, observing the fight unfold. you remember saying something — maybe even screaming at them to stop, but your vision zeroed, and the sounds coming from around you dissipated in some black void of your mind.

shove, an elbow to someone’s jaw — one rapid punch, another push. snow and mud kicked up into the air, a crunch, the barrier of the gazebo rattling when one of the men got practically hauled forwards, his back meeting painfully with the wood. droplets of maroon falling in rapid succession onto snow covering the dead grass. a dull thud of bodies, wrestling on the ground.

finally, three unfamiliar men running up to the scene, dragging Phainon and the strangers away from each other. some girl, touching your shoulder, saying something that didn’t quite reach your ears, and tugging at the sleeve of your jacket.

it was as if you were in some kind of trance, completely unresponsive. you didn’t want to look — didn’t want for everything to happen, just because someone was intoxicated, and decided to insult you.

only when your eyes met with the twins of blue, the cacophony mixing in your thoughts seemed to abruptly stop, snapping you back into the present time. you blinked, registering Phainon’s face first — partially smothered in mud, his ivory locks damp and sticking out in every direction. blood seeped steadily from his nose, running down to his chin.

the two other men seemed a bit more shaken, but fortunately came out with no major injuries. it was a good thing — not because you particularly pitied them (well, you did to some extent, but still, the fight was rather unfair). it made you exhale in relief for the reason that Phainon wouldn’t get in too much trouble.

(were you in the wrong for prioritizing him over anybody else?)

finally, your weak legs pushed you forward, and you inelegantly stepped from the gazebo’s platform, coming in-between the flury of six people and pure mayhem. you gripped your boyfriend’s wrist, not fully-aware of the deep frown painted across your features.

"what the hell were you thinking?!” you blurted out, voice a little louder than you intended it to be. "are you out of your mind?!"

Phainon’s expression, earlier filled with large quantities of odium, immediately melted into something almost docile. "[name], i—"

you interrupted whatever he wanted to say with a tug, making him obediently stumble forwards. "we’re out of here. don’t even try to argue with me." you hissed, sending a grateful look towards the strangers who decided to intervene, and put the fight to its end.

the man didn’t say anything per your wishes, allowing you to lead him into the house. you quickly kicked off your shoes, dragging him through the living room. people were sending you looks, murmuring and glancing between each other, obviously perplexed. you ignored them, swiftly walking into the bathroom, and shutting the door with a 'thud!'.

gravely silence loomed over you, even though the music was still blaring through he space, notorious melody of some shitty song almost sending you into an overdrive. you sat Phainon down on a low chair, completely wordless.

emotions swirled in your exhausted brain, and the moment his doleful irises fell on you, all the anger, irritation and fear dissolved into something coyer. you managed a smile, albeit it was pretty much humorless.

"i’ll clean you up, okay?" you spoke quietly, grabbing a small towel on the side of the sink. it would be stained once you’re done, but you didn’t care.

Phainon sighed. "aren’t you mad at me?"

you let water run over the cloth, putting some soap on it. then, you sat on the edge of the bathtub with a huff, gently wiping the man’s face. "i am." you answered, truthfully. there was no point in sugar-coating the whole situation.

the look on his face remained downcast as you accidentally brushed over his nose, evoking a wince. "oh, i’m sorry. does it still hurt?"

"nah, not that much." Phainon waved his hand dismissively. it didn’t look broken, and the bleeding stopped a while ago. it was definitely a good sign.

still, as you continued to clean his face, something ugly settled deep within your stomach, causing you to unconsciously grimace. the man, ever so perceptive, shifted in his seat uncomfortably. "[name]."

"yes?" you muttered, pumping some more soap on the towel.

"i’m sorry. i— i didn’t want it to end up like this.”

you nodded stiffly, mulling over his apology. he obviously meant it, however it failed to placate the feelings swimming in your heart. did you and him always had to get in so much difficulties? were you truly unable of staying away from it? well, taking how most of your life with Phainon looked, it was only logical. ever since you met, discord seemed to trail after you — if not for causing ruckus on the streets while you played together, then having ferocious arguments during class. teachers, and adults alike weren’t overly fond of your duo, because you were natural troublemakers. it was literally embedded somewhere in your instincts — always doing what you weren’t supposed to, daring each other, and pushing, pushing to see what you could get away with.

perhaps now, it was still the same. if you closed your eyes, you’d find yourself in your old classroom, and start quietly bickering while mr. Anaxa’s back was turned, explaining something by the board.

"but you didn’t need to get so… i don’t know, so agitated?" you said, satisfied once you were done with cleaning his face.

Phainon’s eyebrows furrowed together. "[name], but they called you a—"

your hand rose, cutting him off. "i know, i’m not deaf. still, you shouldn’t have done that."

you scanned the bathroom, rummaging through multiple drawers while your boyfriend attempted to come up with whatever he wished to say next. you finally found the first aid kit, opening the small box, and taking out a bottle of antiseptic along with something to dress the wounds.

"well," Phainon began after a minor pause, "they offended you, and that itself is an insult to me. i mean, c’mon, how dare they even speak about you in such manner?" he questioned, the tone of his voice laced with ire.

with a meek shrug, you took his hands into yours, washing the cracked knuckles with cold water. "they were drunk." you replied, keeping your words flat.

"and so—" Phainon hissed upon the contact of antiseptic with his skin, "so what? you’re drunk too, and you’re capable of acting like a civilized person." he huffed, gaining another shrug from you.

you didn’t have the answer for that. he was right, you knew of it — however, for some reason, you didn’t want to actually admit that. you felt guilty, not about the roughhousing he served to those men, but rather about his own wounds. if only you were able of talking back — if only you weren’t so soft, then maybe none of that would have happened.

you pressed the sterile dressing on his hands, swiftly draping the bandage around, and securing it. when you kept silent, Phainon pushed. "[name]?"

some kind of strange resolve seemed to snap in half within your brain, and you looked him straight in the eye, chagrin pulling at your psyche. "Phainon, do you seriously not see the problem?"

"what problem?" he inquired, his voice low in contrast to yours.

"you—" you stopped, weighting your words, "you always get in some trouble, and it’s always because of me! can’t you see?”

the man seemed slightly taken aback by your sudden outburst, his eyebrows pinching. "maybe, but it’s not like that’s a problem for me." he retorted quickly.

if you could, you’d strangle him on the spot. all the anger turned into sadness, and perhaps due to your drunken state, something wet stung at your eyes. "it is for me! you’re hurting yourself, you’re— you’re—"

"[name], i’m merely trying to—"

"trying to do what, exactly?" you interrupted him harshly, cursing the way your voice broke. "get into another fight, just to prove something?”

Phainon kept silent, his irises flickering away from yours, and fixing on the tiled floor.

"you can’t… you can’t just do that for me…” you heaved, pressing your eyelids shut when you felt the first waterworks roll down your cheeks. "i don’t want you to get in danger, or anything."

the man’s fingers curled around yours, pressing your palm into his. upon instinct, you tugged him closer, carefully running your thumb over the bandages covering his knuckles. the distant sound of a countdown began, a multitude of voices screaming: 'ten!'

"if it means you can stay safe, then i really don’t see what’s wrong with it." he whispered, his words barely audible over the clamor outside of the bathroom.

a loud 'seven!' resonated through the space.

"no!"

'six!'

"and why not?”

'five!'

you choked on a sob, barely able of holding it back. "because you’re much more precious than that, you fool!"

'two!'

arms enveloped your body, and you cried, clutching your fingers over the man’s still wet jacket. you didn’t want Phainon to risk his well-being simply for your sake. all you wanted to do is hold him, close to your chest, so that no harm would ever reach him again. you were not important — you can suffer all you want, but him? oh, not Phainon. anyone but him.

'one!'

"i love you so much, i could as well die right here." he murmured in your ear, and you shook your head, hearing the cheers and clapping, people exclaiming with happiness as they popped the champagne bottles open, countless of fireworks exploding with loud thuds on the sky.

you pulled away, observing the colors and lights paint your boyfriend’s face in hues of rainbow. he reached to your eyes, a bit tentative, wiping the tears away. "don’t you even dare say such things…” you sniffled, smiling weakly at his action.

soft lips found their way over to your mouth, and you breathed, suddenly feeling lax. the kiss was chaste, but tender all the same, and you could feel him grinning into your mouth. then, as you parted, Phainon couldn’t help but chuckle at your slightly dazed expression. "happy new year to you, [name]." he said, tone lighter than before.

you smacked his arm, but the infectious smile found its way into your face too, spreading the corners of your lips wide. "oh, shut up." you huffed, snickering quietly.

while the party didn’t go as intended, resulting in some events you wished to erase from your memory altogether, you were still happy. how could you not be? with Phainon by your side, everything seemed better. you’d let him lead you into hell, only if it meant you could hold his hand. of all the things your fingertips managed to graze, his own pulse was the best, drumming intensely, thud, thud, thud — and if that wasn’t your most beloved song, then you’d be damned.

——

all remnants of the snow were gone now, replaced by gentle greenery, still too unsure of its growth to vividly paint the scenery in shades of colors. time passed quickly, you thought, briefly remembering your own abandoned revision for the upcoming exams — the nagging of your parents seemed almost unbearable now, and it only discouraged you more.

you have tried to study. you really did, but your own mind was so distracted, you were not able of comprehending anything on the pages. well, you still have plenty of time. it doesn’t matter now.

what’s really important is that you got into another argument with your mother and father, resulting in you crying your eyes out. you knew they were right, but were too hellbent on upholding your carefree life to genuinely consider the consequences of your actions. and as you stuffed your head into the pillow, trying to muffle your poorly-contained sobs, an idea sparkled in your mind.

it was late, of course, but you called Phainon, asking whether he’d like to hang out. it didn’t come as a surprise when after twenty minutes, he already sent you a message, saying to come out.

and by ‘coming out', he literally meant climbing out of the window. well. you were acquainted with the whole procedure of taking tentative steps through your windowsill, gripping onto the vines for your dear life, and praying you wouldn’t fall ass-straight onto the concrete ground.

as your head peeked out, like some kind of a princess trapped in a tower, the sight of Phainon’s grinning face immediately greeted you. he’d always stand close enough to catch you, in case your foot slipped — and you thought of it as a kind gesture, but knowing your luck, both of you would stumble and most likely break a few bones.

"[name], oh [name], come down!" he called in that characteristic sing-song voice, spreading his arms theatrically, like he genuinely expected you to jump straight into his embrace. again — you’d rather not.

you smiled back at him, giggling briefly at the man’s upbeat demeanor. if all reason failed you, then he’d definitely be the only one able of dragging you out of your hopeless pit. you then proceeded to somehow render the distance between yourself and the ground, successfully planting your feet.

"whew, i wish i could use the door like a normal person." you huffed, shaking the dust off of your palms. "let’s get out of here, okay?"

Phainon didn’t waste a single second before wrapping his arm around your frame, and ruffling your hair. "another rough argument?" he asked, his tone lower now as he looked at you with knowing eyes. you didn’t even tell him about the quarrel you had with your parents — must he always be so perceptive?

you shrugged, quickly checking out your surroundings as you began to walk. "maybe. but let’s not talk about that."

"why, your wish is my command." the man chuckled, leading you forwards.

you honestly didn’t know what he had planned. Phainon always managed to find you the weirdest, and yet at the same time the most fun things to do, so your heart drummed in anticipation as you neared some car. he took out the keys, opening it up — you sent him a baffled look.

"is this yours?" you gasped, inspecting the vehicle. the last time he drove you around, he certainly didn’t have that specific car — someone must have lent it, because there was no way he could afford something so lavish-looking.

Phainon hummed under his nose, a smirk growing on his lips as he opened the door for you. such a gentleman. "yes and no." he smiled mysteriously at you, ushering you inside.

you obediently sat in the passenger seat, feeling at the leather surrounding you comfortably. "and what does that even mean?" you snickered breathily, fastening the seatbelt.

"nothing much." he replied, shutting the door, and turning on the engine. upon his action, the radio immediately began booming with deafening music, making you wince.

you hurriedly reached to turn it down, sending him an irritated frown. "so it was you making all that noise! seriously, i was wondering who the hell was working the engine like some kind of a maniac in the middle of the night! now i have my answer."

Phainon laughed cheerily in response, and before any more complains fell from your mouth, he revved the car. loudly.

"hey!" you huffed, smacking his arm, "you want to wake up my parents, or something?"

the man didn’t seem especially moved by your nagging, instead opting to drive out. "ah, don’t worry. even if your father decided to chase after us, i doubt he’d catch up with that beat-up corolla of his." he hummed, a self-assured grin stretching his lips upwards.

you rolled your eyes at his comment, relaxing into the seat. "anyway, where are we going?" you murmured, watching the street quickly go by.

"somewhere far away." Phainon responded quizzically, sending you a brief glance. you sighed, and thought that there was definitely one part of him you missed, which was his tendency to talk your ear off. at least you wouldn’t receive any more mysterious answers, having to crack them like some riddles.

you turned your head to face him. "and by 'somewhere far away', you mean…?"

"just a spot i like to visit when i’m feeling blue." he shrugged with a slightly bashful smile. "i knew you were sad, so i thought: why not?"

at that, your heart swelled with something tender — he was always so considerate, and kind, and you felt a sense of pride knowing you were one of the few people to experience his true self. Phainon possessed an undeniably good-natured spirit. if you could, you’d curse out everyone who dared say otherwise (and with how he led his life, there’s probably many such cases).

"oh, is that so…" you chuckled under your nose, rubbing your hand over your nape. "okay then. i can’t wait to see it."

Phainon nodded his head, starting to drive a little faster as you left the built-up area. "trust me, you won’t be disappointed."

and disappointed, you were not.

you stopped on the side of a sandy road, a vast field stretching before you, partially surrounded by a forested area. the line of trees loomed in the distance, their dark silhouettes obscuring any buildings from sight.

but, perhaps what really captivated you was the lack of light pollution — a moonless sky hovering above, its enormously large plane promising to swallow you whole. stars seemed to glimmer even brighter now, and you found the air growing heavier in your lungs at the visage. how could something be this possibly beautiful?

"well, do you like it?" Phainon inquired, no matter if your expression probably spoke for itself.

you glanced at the man’s frame, leaning on the car hood. he donned that usual easygoing smile, but something managed to soften his features. "yes, it’s…"

"pretty, right?" he finished for you, smile growing into a grin. his eyes turned towards the firmament, and he outstretched one arm upwards, clasping his palm over nothing. "how nice it would be to hold it in your grip."

you hummed, observing the way light pooled in his irises, two radiant mirrors yearning for the unreachable. it reminded you of how animals look at first rays of the sun after a particularly long winter — of how that person’s eyes must have appeared when they stepped out of Plato’s metaphorical cave.

with a tug on the sleeve of Phainon’s jacket, you managed to catch his attention. "you mean the sky?”

at that, he chuckled coyly, shifting his body closer to yours. "i know, it’s a dumb thought."

"no, it’s not."

"really?" he let his arm fall limply to his side, vision now focused entirely on you. "but it’s not achievable. humans are practically dust in comparison to everything.”

you shrugged, allowing yourself to lean your head on his shoulder. "i guess that’s somewhat comforting."

that evoked an amused scoff. "still, just think about this. how many answers does it hold? like, i don’t know…" Phainon paused, mulling over his thoughts, "do you believe in other universes? or fate, for example."

fate? another universe? you hardly put your faith in such romantic concepts, rather deciding to trust only what your senses presented you with. your bond with Phainon, and how drawn you were to each other wasn’t caused by some otherworldly pull. it was merely a logical chain of coincidences, looking at the way you were friends since practically forever. if you didn’t live in this town, you’d probably never meet him. maybe you’d pass him on the street once, casting a brief glance, and forgetting two seconds after — the blue irises gone from your mind, replaced by something else.

still, you decided to indulge the man. "i’m not sure. do you?"

Phainon perked up at the question. "totally!" he beamed at you, sneaking his arm around your shoulders. "imagine this — in another universe, i am some, uh… hero! yes, a hero."

you giggled at his words, leaning into the touch. "a hero?"

"yes! i’d be a hero, wielding a big sword, and protecting some nation." he narrated, and you wondered whether he genuinely thought of this before. "and you’d be… well, it’s not up to me to decide."

such things don’t exist, but as you gazed into the shimmery sky, you almost wished it would. maybe then that wouldn’t have ever happened, and everything could be simpler.

"sounds nice. i’d probably be some kind of a normal civilian, though."

"aw, don’t put yourself so lowly!" Phainon pouted, suddenly leaning even closer to you, his face obstructing your view. "i’m sure you’d be something much more. after all, you’re my most darling, dearest, sweetest—"

you huffed out a giggle, a mixture of exasperation and amusement as his hand went to cup your cheek, the other one grazing your jaw with knuckles. "okay, okay," you interrupted, "no need to put so much emphasis on my name."

"why not?" he pecked your nose, "i love you [name]," another peck to your brow, "you have to know that!" now to the corner of your mouth.

upon some deeply-embedded covet, you grabbed Phainon’s shoulders, maneuvering his body to stand before you. "quit the teasing already…" you murmured, and he, compliant as ever, pulled you against him, pressing your chests together.

"what teasing?" he teased, intentionally. obliviously. "i’m merely trying to showcase my appreciation for you."

all witty comebacks failed you the second his lips inched closer to yours, palms falling to grasp your waist. the man’s heated breath tingled across your chin, which resulted in a wave of shivers, mischievously spreading up your spine.

you let out a sigh, wrapping your arms around his neck, and tugging in for a kiss once your feeble resolve dissipated. this time it felt somewhat different — whenever you kissed with him, it was almost chaste in its nature. right now, however, his lips crashed into yours with more fervor, teeth accidentally snapping against yours.

an insatiable urge practically radiated off of you both as Phainon pushed you backwards, swiftly stepping in-between your legs once you sat on the car hood. to be fair, you’d probably lose your balance, and either slip off or fall if not for his hands, securely stabilizing your hips. fingers dug into you, and you thought he was seconds away before ripping his nails through your attire, if only just to reach you. closer, closer, impossibly closer.

your pulled at his ivory locks, practically ripping him away from your face when the oxygen was none. Phainon grimaced at the loss of contact — at least you thought so, because darkness of the environment and shadows successfully obscured his features.

then, before you even managed to voice anything, his palms pressed at you, coaxing to lie down. your heart pounded at your ribs so intensely, he could probably feel it through all the layers of clothes you wore.

"Phainon, wha—" you forced out, quickly interrupted by his wet lips latching onto the line of your jaw. you probably shouldn’t be doing this, since it’ll leave rather prominent marks, and your parents will question you, and — ah, damn it. it’s not like you exactly cared about their opinion on your personal business.

you allowed him to lie you down on the car, praying the combined weight of you both wouldn’t leave some kind of a dent. Phainon followed in tow, his tall silhouette hovering above as he leaned over your sprawled form, moving his mouth to your neck. you felt the brief sting as he left another bruise behind, evoking a soft sigh.

your hands once more moved to his hair, weaving them around your joints as you listened to the mixed sound of your heavy breaths, audible during the silence of the night. the man’s teeth dragged across the column of your throat, palms seeking entrance under your jacket.

you felt hot, skin scorching upon any kind of touch — and then your eyes left Phainon, focusing on the sky.

it wasn’t jet black, contrasting with everything you were used to. all the little, shiny points illuminated its vast plane, and once again, you forgot how to breathe. how utterly captivating the sight was, with the most beloved person clinging onto you, as if you were supposed to turn into a cloud of smoke any given moment.

but, perhaps, there was some explaining to it, a fleeting thought above the mere concept of love. Phainon’s desire towards the cosmos was already known to you — and aren’t humans made out of stardust? atoms and the oxygen, carbon flowing through the fibers of their bodies, calcium along with iron. wasn’t it all borne from a bright, glowing star? and so — isn’t that his own way of cradling the universe in his own hands?

the only option he had was caressing another person’s being, lips latched on their skin, teeth millimeters away from sinking into flesh, and the source of his fascination. tender was the body of someone literally created from galaxy — but wasn’t he originating from a star too? looking at the dim halo, brimming the crown of his head, you were absolutely sure of it. his locks took a silvery color, and you pulled at them harder, more intensely.

Phainon’s blue irises flickered over to yours, and he smiled at you, pulling away before quickly bestowing you with a kiss. the car rocked at the sudden movement, and you gasped into his lips, wondering if perhaps fate was really true, tethering you both.

"you are so beautiful like this," he murmured against your mouth once you parted, heavy gaze set on you, "your eyes, your laugh…"

what a blasted fool, you thought — looking at you, as if you were some kind of goddess. "you like spewing nonsense when you get overly excited, don’t you?" you chuckled dryly, gaining a baffled expression.

"but you are!" the man immediately retaliated, smile widening. "look, up here," he gestured towards the starry firmament, "some old pictures of you. haven’t changed one bit, [name]."

you giggled breathily at his joke-compliment, pressing yourself into his body when one hand finally slid under your shirt, grazing over your stomach. Phainon was cold to touch, but you didn’t mind, legs caging him in — and then, you heard that godforsaken sound.

a notorious, overly upbeat ringtone.

your boyfriend attempted to ignore it, his movements a little strained now as he chuckled awkwardly. you tried to tune it out as well, but that goddamn phone of his just wouldn’t stop ringing. one call coming after another, you finally pushed him away, groaning with chagrin.

"pick up. whoever that is, they probably won’t stop calling until you do." you said, inelegantly slipping from the car hood, and straightening out your ruffled attire.

Phainon gave an exasperated sigh, reaching into his pocket, and flipping the phone open. his frown seemed to shift into something almost surprised — or anxious — as he finally pressed the green button, stepping away from you.

you observed him talk in a hushed tone, the man’s face twisting with a poorly-contained grimace as he spilled some cursed under his nose. you tried to decipher whatever was the reason for his dismay, but at the same time, he obviously didn’t wish for you to hear the conversation, so you kept your distance.

you began fiddling with your fingers, watching him hang up. then, he schooled his expression into an amiable smile, perhaps unknowing of how it failed to reach his eyes. "well. i’m sorry, but we have to go back."

"did something happen?" you asked, tilting your head to the side as concern gnawed at your gut uncomfortably.

"nah, no. i mean—" Phainon paused, reconsidering his choice of words, "a situation came up. nothing serious, though." he walked closer to you, tousling your hair without much commitment.

you huffed at his words, eyebrows pinching together. "you sure?"

"absolutely sure." he affirmed, planting a quick kiss to your brow, "so don’t worry your pretty little head, alright?"

with a tentative nod, you forced the corners of your lips to reciprocate his smile. you were aware that he was lying, at least to some extent, but were too tired to even try and pull at his tongue. you knew Phainon for almost fourteen years, and yet, he still managed to act like some kind of cryptid.

you both got into the car, and drove away.

——

truth be told, you knew little about Phainon.

well — this statement could be up to debate, because you knew him. just like the back of your hand, like the pocket in your favorite jeans — and yet, that two-year pause caused a rift, making you think about how separate his life was from yours. Phainon was palpably present in your own, meanwhile you were pushed back whenever you tried inquiring about his whereabouts.

the man did that intentionally, but it was pretty obvious to you he meant no harm — still, it hurt a little. none of the answers he presented you with were forward, and the more you pressed, the more closed off he got. the last time you have tried asking anything directly personal was two months ago, and now it was the middle of april. that’s a lot of time, no?

you wanted to ignore the nagging feeling of urgency. your relationship with Phainon was healthy, at least you liked to think this way — but the secrecy, and how his gaze dimmed sometimes when he thought you weren’t looking were concerning. overly so.

it didn’t take long before you deemed that as enough, fed up with roundabout stories and whatnot. you were together, and that equaled to supporting each other. your boyfriend did so much for you, however the second you offered him some consolation, you were turned down. new wounds, a cracked brow, bruised knuckles, bandages peeking out from under his clothes. no matter how much you tried to show that you care, he remained locked inside of his own bubble.

slowly, everything started to take the form of a mildly awkward joke, and your dismay couldn’t stretch any further.

(you had to know more. you had to).

with a new-found resolve, you phoned him, two signals ringing by your ear before the man picked up.

"hello? oh, hi [name]!" a cheerful voice resonated from the speakers, slightly static. "what’s up?"

you rolled to the side of your bed, chewing on your inner cheek nervously. you had to play it out well. you loved Phainon, but honestly, talking to him sometimes resembled taming a stray animal. "what’re you doing right now?" you inquired innocently.

"nothing much," he said, taking a small pause, "you wanted to hang?"

"yeah." you nodded your head to no one in particular. "my parents aren’t home for the weekend. they’re visiting my grandma in another city, so…"

"really?” you could hear the smile in his voice. "i can come to your house in about, uh, ten minutes. maybe less."

you barely held back a sigh, bracing yourself for whatever you wanted to say next, already prepared to be turned down. "actually, i wanted to visit your place."

a short beat of silence — then, a laugh. "my place? but there’s nothing interesting to do." he responded, the words falling a bit too hastily.

"Phainon, we’ve been together for over four months, and i don’t even know where you live." you stated, trying to keep your voice firm. when you spoke the words out loud, it really did sound absurd. hilarious, even — a girlfriend, unaware of where her partner resides.

after that, Phainon was forced to move, leaving the street you grew up on — you knew where his place of stay was, then. alas, time passed, and the change was only logical. for whatever reason, he was very adamant about revealing his new address to you.

you heard him exhale heavily. "are you sure you wouldn’t prefer me to come over?"

"i’m absolutely sure. so?"

the other side remained quiet for a good five seconds, before finally deciding to grant you with an answer. "…i don’t see why not!" Phainon chuckled dryly.

you smiled to yourself in triumph, honestly taken aback by the agreement. it took much less effort than you initially anticipated. "alright, i’ll be waiting for you. by the way, you can use the door."

the man laughed a bit more genuinely now, saying he will come pick you up as soon as possible. then, you hung up, starting to wonder what you should be anticipating.

well, as of right now, you weren’t sure whether you should be surprised, or no. while you were driving to his home, Phainon was acting somewhat stiff, radio turned off, with hands clenching around the steering wheel. you couldn’t bear the nervousness practically radiating off of him, so you finally asked what’s wrong.

he then proceeded to hastily explain that his place was probably different from what you could’ve imagined, and not to act disappointed once you see it. you, of course, assured him there was no reason to stress over stuff like that. after all, who were you to suddenly get judgmental?

however, as you parked under some bar, you still sent Phainon a questioning look, which was probably a mistake, because he almost backed out. you were forced to coax him into getting out of the car, tugging at his hood until the man gave in (which was no easy feat, mind you).

and as you were walking towards the small apartment located on the top of said bar, he continued to spill explanations, like you were actually expecting them. it was insulting to you, in a way — why did he think you would change your opinion about him, just because he lived atop some shabby dive?

"again, i’m sorry," Phainon chuckled forcibly, and you shook your head in response. why was he even apologizing? on the other hand, living in a crammed apartment, with another one sitting above and a loud bar under, was surely agonizing. "you can put your shoes here, or— wherever. you don’t have to take them off at all, actually!" the words fell from his mouth like a rapid downpour, as if he was attempting to appease you.

your eyebrows scrunched together when you shook off your sneakers. "it’s alright. i like it here." you said, trying to form your voice into something as soft as possible without looking too compassionate. it was only logical that someone who lacked in a stable job would live somewhere like this.

Phainon muttered under his breath, but you didn’t catch on it. instead, you turned to look around the space — a tall hanger on your right, two jackets loosely threw over. kitchen being the first thing to greet visitors, then the bedroom on its left. another door, probably leading to equally small bathroom. you took a tentative step forward, quickly taking everything in. it was… completely normal. you don’t know what you were expecting, but the space contrasted with the current version of Phainon you knew.

"let’s just go sit in my room, alright?" the man hummed behind you, causing you to slightly jump up. seriously, why was he so good at sneaking up on you?

you turned to face him, smiling. "sure."

with that, you strolled into the bedroom — the area you were the most curious about, for whatever reason.

it looked empty and cluttered at the same time, if that’s even possible. perhaps a good comparison would be to say Phainon had a lot of stuff in there, but none really resembled him — a room lacking in its owner’s soul. bed with a twin-sized mattress pressed tightly into the wall, a duvet neatly spread across its surface with a singular pillow. desk standing under the window — you recognized it as his old one, the exact same he had in his room when he still lived on your street. chipped away in the corners, a thickly-stuffed multitude of books placed in its shelves. that dog encyclopedia you gave him for birthday was still there, sitting amidst other lectures, and you couldn’t help but wonder as to why Phainon decided to keep it for all those years.

then, the bedside table — and two framed pictures, completely devoid of any dust or scarring. your heart clenched painfully at the sight.

Phainon’s family sitting under the christmas tree, hugged tightly into each other as him and his sister held onto their gifts, wrapped in a red paper. the second one depicted only his sibling — Cyrene. it was a candid photo, taken while she was hunched over the table and eating cereal, a wide smile spread across her face. she must have been laughing at something — perhaps her younger brother’s silly ministrations. you really loved that girl. whenever one of you got in trouble, she either patched up your wounds, or covered up for you.

you still can recall that day so vividly. it was the middle of summer, the hottest one registered since forever. it started out peacefully, with nothing indicating the horrors meant to unfold later. you were barely thirteen, mindlessly shuffling through some magazine when your mother bursted into your room. you remember immediately panicking upon the sight of her crying face, confused to no end when she rapidly wrapped her arms around your frame, sobbing.

you started to tear up too, though you didn’t know what happened. then, she explained something — you couldn’t catch on her words, your brain working slower than normally. an accident. a terrible car crash with three casualties and one survivor.

everything changed so quickly. all of you were shaken by grief so intense, it took over a year to stand back on your feet — well, at least for you.

Phainon was no longer the same. it was obvious to you that most of the time, he was simply pretending to be alright. the boy had to move, and live with his further family — he never liked them, and it was hard for them to get along. at least that’s what he told you.

and when you were sixteen, the contact between you got looser, and meeker, until there was none.

"[name]?" he placed his hand on your shoulder, causing you to snap out of your morose reveries. you sighed deeply, schooling your expression into something less obvious as you took in his face.

faint scars, and the shadows hanging lowly under twins of bright blue. fair locks encompassing the boyish contours, already grown out from that terrible haircut you gave him when he refused to go to the hairdresser. finally, a kind smile, splitting the previously concerned look in half.

you were cruel, weren’t you?

"yeah?"

Phainon seemed to spot the things you were looking at earlier, and upon the revelation, he cleared his throat awkwardly. "let’s do something else than standing around." he said, pulling you down with him on the bed.

you plopped beside the man, attempting to relax your frame. you felt as if it was your first time hanging out with him, just from the way you both seemed so anxious and uncertain around each other. "uh, wanna watch a movie, or…" you trailed off, noticing he lacked in TV way too late. “…or maybe not."

he chuckled to himself, casually leaning his head on the wall. "told you there’s nothing much to do."

"oh, but there must be something!" you retorted, scanning the room. a wardrobe, some carton boxes standing in the corner as if he didn’t even unpack them, and singular wilted plant by the windowsill. huh. how can he not go crazy without any entertainments?

"i’ve got an idea. do you know how to make bracelets?" Phainon suddenly asked out of the blue, standing up and dragging his feet over to the desk.

"i guess so." you nodded, observing him lean down, and rummage through the drawer.

he straightened out with a proud expression on his face. "well! it just so happens Cyrene had a lot of beads and all that stuff." he explained, placing the small box in front of you before sitting back down. "i allowed myself to hold onto them, but… obviously, i never made anything."

you smiled at him, a bit sadly. his sister always had a knack for handiwork, and her wrists were constantly adorned with colorful strings — she even promised to make you one, but it probably slipped the mind of you both. "are you— are you sure it’s alright if we use them?"

Phainon waved his hand, huffing out an airy chuckle. "of course. why wouldn’t it be?"

"i mean, it’s a memory…"

the man reached for the box, opening it up. strings, needles and the rainbow-y beads sat on the bottom, everything neatly organized. "i bet she’d want us to finally make some good use of her stuff. c’mon, choose whatever you want." he grinned at you, though you didn’t fail to spot the distant look his eyes carried.

"if you say so." you reached for the things, picking out a few charms that especially caught your attention. navy and white would look nice together, right? "do you know how to make bracelets, though?"

your boyfriend followed suit, trying to upkeep a consistent color scheme. "mhm. Cyrene taught me, 'cause i was bothering her about this all the time."

you snickered under your breath, capturing the way fondness laced his tone. "yeah, sounds like something you would do."

"please, [name], don’t judge me here." he responded amusedly, carefully pulling the string through needle’s small opening. "it looked fun!"

you nodded along to his words, doing the same thing he did once you aligned your beads. "i mean, i am having fun, so i guess you were right."

Phainon almost breathed out in relief at your words — then, you proceeded to make the bracelets, talking and laughing like you always used to. the tense atmosphere long gone, now replaced by merry chatter as you patiently completed your tasks. it was familiar. you felt warm.

"done!” he announced cheerily, presenting you the colorful string. you hummed in approval, sending him a wide smile in exchange.

"me too." you stated, lifting up your creation for his eyes to see. the bracelets contrasted with each other, yours remaining more toned while Phainon’s was screaming with brightness.

"alright, give me your wrist."

"what for?”

he huffed. "so i can put it on for you, obviously!”

you blinked, realizing he meant to trade. you obediently extended your hand towards him, intently observing as Phainon secured the bracelet around your limb with a quiet smile. it fit you perfectly.

"it’s so pretty. Cyrene taught you well." you complimented, giggling when the meekest of blushes spread across his cheeks. "okay, your turn."

and as you tied the string on his own wrist, you had this deeply profound feeling blooming in your chest — an exchange of vows. the man let you make something out of his late sister’s stuff, which served as a memorial after her passing. hidden away in a box, safely stuffed at the bottom of his desk’s drawer, as if he was expecting her return — if she did, she’d probably need it back.

but Cyrene, or his parents, were not returning. and still, Phainon graced you with the honor of carrying a piece of her — a piece of him — on your own body. if that wasn’t the purest act of devotion, then you definitely don’t know what is. a silent way of saying: i trust you — even if you don’t trust me fully.

perhaps, in the future, you’ll be adorned in white, frills along with laces spilling behind you, and then you’ll put another piece of jewelry on him. that’s what you like to imagine happening, at least.

you aligned the bracelets side by side, watching how the colors complimented each other ideally. Phainon’s fingers curled around yours, hands now interwoven in a tight lock. “[name].”

your eyes flickered up to meet with the irises of blue. "what is it?”

the man took a deep breath, his features suddenly shifting into something a bit unsure. “were you— were you telling the truth when you said you’d run away with me?” he evidently forced out, joints squeezing harder around yours.

you remembered your biology classes, when you listened to the teacher explaining something about trees. there exists this thing called 'heart rot'. to put it in very simplified terms, it occurs as a softening of the pine tree’s resinous heartwood. you were no plant, but you most certainly felt like one now. Phainon somehow managed to ease your very core to the point where you’d leave this forsaken town in an instant, if he asked you to.

"yeah. it was the truth." you smiled at him, squeezing his palm back. "i need to get a grip on myself, pass my exams, graduate. but once i’m done with that, we’re out.”

his eyes crinkled in the corners as he pulled your arm closer, practically causing your torso to topple at him. "i’ll hold you to that." he snickered into your hair, and you couldn’t help but think that you wouldn’t mind melting with the atoms of his being, and merging into one.

if your thoughts had a voice-box of their own, the only sound resonating through the space would be: 'come to me. leave the others and come to me.' your whole embrace was insatiable.

you don’t know whether what you were doing was alright — how can you be so positive if your actions are correct? alas, you found within yourself that you do not exactly care. your trust towards Phainon exceeded all those doubts you had, and all the darker scenarios. you were together since forever, and it shall remain this way.

you loved him. whenever you were out, his friends always made sure to point out how glued you were to one another’s hips. drunk on the syllables of your words, gazing into each other’s eyes like it was the only thing existing in this vast world. Mydeimos — one of Phainon’s closest friends — said the look on his face made him sick just from how utterly sweet it was. oozing with honey and saccharine, the taste seeping into your mouth as he kissed you. you must have been insufferable when you think about it — constantly hugging, laughing at your inside jokes while completely ignoring others, playing footsie (to the point where you’d be kicking at Phainon’s shin, because he was tickling you too much).

sometimes you wondered how your relationship would look like if you met in other circumstances. as softer versions of yourselves — without all this grief and sorrow dragging behind like a stray dog. without unspoken words, nor the heartaches. would it still be the same? no, surely not.

you don’t know if you’ll truly disappear together, moving to another city, or perhaps a countryside. there’s no promises in human existence. still, even if you fail, you will be warmed by the visages of lives you tried to carry. there’s no shame to it.

and, if it doesn’t work out in this life, then in another one you’ll certainly end up as two bright points, lighting up the night sky.

#phainon x reader #inspired by the song Take my hand #i rlly reccomend listening to it before reading #also kinda inspired by the movie foxfire #i’m not sure when the action could be taking place #maybe like the year 2000 or smth around #also i suck at writing fight scenes so lmfao #+ a quick disclaimer:#violence is never the answer!#and i don’t condone any of the actions in this fic #hsr #honkai star rail #hsr x reader #phainon #phainon x y/n #phainon x you #phainon hsr

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