#videos are very informative and the lady is chill/has interesting comments

[salamispots]

first 3 rug hooking things I did haha

[g7mafiascenarios]

His Gaze.

introduction

synopsis : In which Moon Soojin has decided to help her parents regarding their businesses and making eye contact with the well-known mafia that caught his attention, 

characters : Lim Jaebeom, Moon Soojin, The Moon family

genre : mafia!jb, got7!mafia

warnings : none so far

“Well? How’s Amsterdam, my dear?” 

“Nothing much to say, you have seen my videos I sent you back when I was in Amsterdam, nothing interesting other than seeing cherry blossom petals fall on the campus. It was beautiful,”

Moon Soojin commented as the car stopped in front of a familiar building. She wasn’t surprised to see the tall building, it wasn’t the first time for her to enter a very professional building.

Instead she gets used to it.

Called by the name of Moon, only her close ones could only call her Soojin, or more embarrassing, Jinny. 

She mentioned about Amsterdam as it’s been a week and she has just returned back from graduating with masters in Amsterdam. She mastered in studying advanced floristry. That was her passion ever since she was a child.

She loves flowers, and she had interest in different kinds of it, especially white roses.

Her parents decided to send her far away as they didn’t want any trouble since the Moons were involved with the mafia industry. 

Since she is back in Korea, MOON Enterprises Holdings that was owned by her father and LUNA & Flowers that was owned by her mother, needs their daughter back to help them with their hectic schedules - by taking over some of their duties.

“Can’t Hyunjae just take over?” Soojin turned towards her mother, looking as posh as always with her wearing her iconic A line dress with her maroon heels clicking through the busy entrance of different people walking in and out.

Her mother, Mrs Moon has always had a soft spot for her daughter - there were days that the middle aged woman would have a mental breakdown, scared that her daughter would one day go missing since they were all involved with the tough business.

Mrs Moon could see that her daughter is growing up to become a fine lady, seeing how she would have fancy accessories on her like clips on her dirty long platinum hair and big shiny earrings on her ears - dressing up with a cleaned, iron business suit and heels.

“Hyunjae is busy helping your father, so it’s normal for you to help me with my lovely flowers to be done and given to the respective customers,” Mrs Moon said in amusement, earning a slight groan from Soojin who just nodded.

To think that Soojin would be given at least a month of rest from studying and achieving as a graduate from masters, it was totally her own dream - she was only given a week to settle herself to her old life.

Minus a day or two of the week as her mother has set up a flower shop just for her, a few blocks away from MOON Enterprise headquarters. 

“Your office is just next to your father’s, so just head next door if you are in need of help and your stuff has been moved so you don’t need to worry,” Mrs Moon informed as she took a peek into her husband’s office as he was busy reading a few reports.

As Soojin took her turn to take a peek, she was met with her father’s gaze - seeing him smiling while waving towards her.

“Okay, I’ll just rearrange some stuff. Thanks, Mum,” Soojin thanked her as Mrs Moon gave her a hug before leaving her daughter alone. Her eyes focused on a paper, laying on top of her laptop - realizing that it was her time-table.

She was already scheduled to have the rest of the months going back and forth from the headquarters then to her own shop. With a sigh, Soojin looked around before thinking of what to do next.

“Late again, my dearest little sister?”

Soojin glanced over towards the driver-seat with a glare before continuing to lay the bouquet of flowers at the back of his branded car. Once Soojin had checked all the correct bouquets of different types of flowers, she rushed herself to the passenger seat.

“Drive, drive! Go! Go!” Soojin exclaimed, pushing her older brother’s shoulder as he had already started turning the steering wheel in a rush.

“Damn, chill sis! It’s just a few blocks away!”

“I know! Mother is smart enough to inform me of the last minute change of schedules!”

A chuckle came from her older brother, known as Moon Hyunjae. In the MOON headquarters, the female staff has a liking for the son of the Moons as he is good looking though he is nearly going to be 30.

He is goofy whenever he is with his only little sister but as soon as he steps into his own office or business meeting related, Hyunjae would immediately shut down his goofiness as he turned rather serious.

“Well… when it comes to mafia businesses, there is always a last minute change of schedules, sister.” answered Hyunjae in a matter of fact tone while glancing towards Soojin who was rolling her eyes while folding her arms in annoyance.

“The reason why there was a last minute change of plans was the son of the owner of Grand Saith Hotel and Organization have decided to step foot in our headquarters for a meeting,” Hyunjae explained quickly while parking his car in front of his father’s building.

“Wait.. Who?” Soojin exclaimed while trying to multi-task, glancing towards her brother while grabbing all of the bouquet but failed.

Hyunjae rolled his eyes before giving her a helping hand.

“You don’t know!?” Hyunjae questioned while following her sister’s footsteps that seemed really rushed - seeing her jogging with her clicking heels. Soojin turned towards Hyunjae with a deep frown, slowly trying to walk backwards.

“Hyunjae.. I only landed here in less than a month and I spent most of my teenage and almost to an adult life in Amsterdam, so there’s no way—

She was too into her own conversation while facing her older brother’s amused expression, out of a sudden feeling her back bumping into another strong back - causing her to stop abruptly.

Soojin was too shocked and embarrassed to turn to the front, trying to see her brother’s expression if she had bumped onto a mafia boss or any random threatening stranger.

But judging from his expression, he looked too happy about this - which is rare for the next heir of Moon Enterprise to smile or looked amused, he was always seen having a cold face in business meetings and in public.

“Jaebeom! I see you have arrived late too!” 

That is the queue for Soojin to turn towards whom her brother had made eye-contact with. 

She didn’t know if she should regret turning to the back or just standing there like a statue while holding onto a bunch of bouquets of flowers.

As soon as her eyes traveled up, she was met with a young fine man - his bangs that covered both of his eyes slightly. 

She noticed that he was wearing a very expensive designed suit that stood out from the others who were just wearing normal black and white suits.

The look that he gave Soojin could just make her weak and just crumble into small pieces, he was giving her a slight glare - his eyes are as cold as ice, he was looking at her as if he was her enemy.

“Yeah.. I have business to settle previously and it seems you are late too, Hyunjae.” The man that was called Jaebeom spoke, his eyes still didn’t leave Soojin, still looking down at her, eyeing onto her features.

“Right, this is my little sister who just came back from Amsterdam about a few weeks ago and graduated with a masters degree under floristry, Moon Soojin!” Hyunjae introduced happily as Soojin could only smile sheepishly while bowing slightly.

“And Soojin, this is Mr Lim Jaebeom, the heir of Grand Saith Hotel and Organization which I just mentioned a few minutes ago,” introduced Hyunjae - not caring Hyunjae was there, both Jaebeom and Soojin were still making eye contact, which was weird for Soojin especially. 

She felt intimidated by him, at the same time she finds him really attractive and handsome too. Behind those icy glares, she could tell he was someone that was well respected, seeing he wasn’t the only here.

She even noticed men were standing around him but soon gave him space as soon as they saw Hyunjae.

By now, Jaebeom didn’t even break eye contact still - Soojin wasn’t sure if she had done something wrong to him. The way he is staring at her is a mixture of coldness and curiosity.

Soojin decided to break eye contact while looking at Hyunjae with nervousness.

“I urm… I think I can go up and see Mum alone... Thanks for the ride, Hyunjae - and nice meeting you, Mr Lim Jaebeom but I have to go!” thanked Soojin towards her older brother while trying to grab the bouquets he was holding, waving her off - then turning towards Jaebeom for a 1 second eye contact before running away from both of the men.

Hyunjae could only scoff, seeing his younger sister running while squeezing through the men in suits whom was Jaebeom’s men.

Jaebeom watches her vanishing through his own men, with a clenched jaw while trying not to look vulnerable. 

He was bewildered that she couldn’t even recognize him - even with him giving her the cold-death stare that he used to scare away her bullies back when they were like kids.

Jaebeom turned towards her older brother who was smiling slightly.

“Give her some time, she will remember soon.”

𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫

𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

[neshabeingchildish]

03. Robin’s Telling

I’m using some of my head canons I shared when @writing-excuses​ was wondering about ones we have for Chasper in this fic. So, y’all’ll see some things that aren’t necessarily canon, but I’m trying to a certain degree to be canonical with who the characters are at their core, and trying to build the story on that. Try to be patient with me, as this ain’t really that popular of a ship and don’t really have a super amount of ‘canon fodder.’ Lol. I have about 5 chapters outlined, so after the next couple, it may slow down a little. 

Robin’s Telling or Tales from the Friendship Zone

So, whenever they were in 6th grade, Jasper and Charlotte were assigned to this team building experiment disguised as a creative writing project. They had to write a round robin story, which means that they took turns adding material to the story and had to try to feed off of the last of the information by their partner to write the installment of the story. Jasper started it off and Charlotte found it a challenge to sometimes make sense of whatever nonsense he had written, but she was a girl who could appreciate a good challenge. What she hadn’t appreciated was the ruse by their teacher to make her and Jasper get along better! But. she had to admit, it helped. 

The friends used the story and the notebook it was written in to continue this process and in turn, sort of built upon their friendship as the saga continued.  When they came to the end of the spiral, Jasper panicked. “It can’t be over! We never made an ending for it!!!” He was seriously freaking out. Charlotte happened to have another spiral notebook available at the time, and she said, “Look... We can keep it up. Maybe... this could be the second season of it. I’ll even start it out.” She opened it and started this new installment of the story, then passed it to him. “Chill out. One of these days, it has to end.”

“According to who?” He wondered, snatching the spiral from her. She rolled her eyes and walked off.

And now, they were in season 6 of Robin’s Telling, as she liked to call it (He called it Tales from the Friendship Zone), and they rarely ever really used it, but every now and then, one of them would either continue from where they left off or ask the other if they had continued yet. It was in Jasper’s care at the moment and after he left her house (which was done after he watched her sleep for a little bit, then realized that was probably weird and creepy, but waking her up was probably dangerous). He got home and his mom wasn’t even there. Typical. But, he was able to pull out the current spiral and get some writing done. He’d pass it off to her at Man Band practice.

.

Charlotte and Henry were laughing and playing video games whenever Jasper came into work. “Hey, Jasp!” Henry cheered. Charlotte didn’t say anything. Jasper wondered if everything was okay between them. 

“Hey,” he said and put his gym bag away. “What are you two playing?”

“I’m playing. He’s just losing,” Charlotte said, laughing. 

“I’m playing, she’s just being mean,” Henry corrected. 

“Neither of those statements answered my question, but enjoy.” He went back to the store and Henry gave Charlotte a weird look. She ignored it and continued playing, so he moved on, too.

Later, whenever it was time for them to go home, Henry and Charlotte were discussing plans for at Henry’s house. Apparently, they were hanging out after work, too. Eventually, Henry made some comment that seemed to elude that Jasper was invited too, but he didn’t know if he wanted to hangout with the two of them. Maybe he was just overly sensitive because he shared a lot of very intimate. personal information with Charlotte and she seemed to be acting like it never happened. Maybe she was avoiding speaking with him because he made her uncomfortable. At any rate, he said, “I don’t know how my mom’s gonna act if I spend two nights away from home.”

“No, you’ll be home later tonight,” Henry said, shrugging his shoulders.

“Maybe, you could call ahead and check in with her, to see if she’s more understanding, if you do it that way?” Charlotte suggested.

Jasper nodded, “Yeah, I’ll do that.” Whenever he spoke on the phone with his mom, he told her that he would be hanging out with Henry until later on... “Yeah, she’s hanging out too...” Then he sighed and was listening to something for a while. Charlotte and Henry looked at each other. “There’s nothing like that going on. We’re all just friends. She’s a good girl. Top of the class...” 

Charlotte raised an eyebrow and leaned into the mouthpiece to say, “HEY JASPER’S MOM!!!” Henry pulled her to the other side of himself and Jasper rolled his eyes, but they didn’t know whether at Charlotte instigating with his mom, or with his mom, obviously on the other line, trash talking Charlotte. 

“I’m sure that she’ll be home by a time that’s decent for a young lady. She’s a good egg. I don’t feel like doing this. Do you need anything? Okay. Yeah, love you too.” He hung up and asked Charlotte, “Why would you provoke her?”

“She’s trash,” Charlotte said, simply. Henry gasped and Jasper furrowed his eyebrows. “Sorry. I meant to say she was talking trash about me. My bad. Words got choppy in my head.” She really meant what she’d said, but that was a bit much to say to someone’s face about their mom. 

“Good save,” Henry said, sarcastically and wrapped an arm around Jasper’s shoulder, “But, what kind of trash was she talking about Charlotte?”

“I’m interested, as well.”

“She asked, if my little friend was gonna be there, said what’s her name, then pretended to say the wrong names. Then, she said that if a girl hangs out with a couple of boys this much something fresh must be going on.” 

He didn’t want to go into detail, but his mother had advised him to use protection, in case she had something and also forbid him to do anything with her if both boys were in the room..

“You know what? I’m gonna shut my mouth and move on with my life,” Charlotte said. Jasper’s mom had SOME nerve, after the child-rearing job she’d done. Which reminded her, “Oh! Hey, I found something that might be useful for you. Actually, I heard an ad when I was listening to one of my podcasts. I’ll send you the info. She texted him a link to a therapy connection that charged $30 a week and you could text a licensed therapist! He smiled to himself and put his phone away. 

Henry was curious about what she’d sent to him, but tried not to butt in. There was some kind of other friendship happening with those two that he knew he wasn’t included in. SO, he made a conversation topic that the three could participate in. 

.

At Henry's, Jasper seemed in his own world. Charlotte was concerned about it, because he usually was the most talkative and cheerful one. At some point, while Henry was in the bathroom, she asked, "You okay, Jasper?"

He sighed, "I thought maybe you didn't care one way or another. I'm… worried that I weirded you out with all my baggage. You're not supposed to unpack in front of people unless you're going to be there for a while. I feel like I just dumped it all over the place and then suddenly, you were distant."

"It wasn't like that to me. I thought that speaking about your trauma probably stirred up some things and maybe you could use a break from focusing on it. Sorry if I seemed taken aback. I wasn't. In fact, I feel closer to you than ever. I'm honestly glad you felt like you could come to me. Are you gonna use that service I sent you?"

"Yeah. I'm gonna check it out. Do you mind if I hug you?" 

She smiled and went over for the hug, fell on his lap and they laughed about it, but she didn't move. Jasper had a pretty cozy hug. They didn't usually hug much, but his arms were bigger than she'd noticed and he was soft and slightly cushioned. It was like hugging a life-size, warm, plushie, or as comforting, anyway. Plus… did Jasper always smell this good? That was definitely new. 

He strummed her back and she rested on his shoulder until they heard, "Whoa!" Henry was back and he was shocked and confused by the contact. 

Charlotte got up and said, "I fell. Shut up."

"Fell and landed right in Jasper's lap, into a hug, on his shoulder, huh?"

"That's what I said," she told him. 

Henry looked at Jasper. "What? Sometimes people fall." He smiled at Charlotte and her face went warm. Sometimes people fall. Such a simple and true statement. Sometimes people fall in more ways than one. Not as simple, but she couldn't tell yet if she minded it at all.

.

Charlotte was surprised to see that Jasper had handed her the copy of Robin’s Telling. It had been a long while since they’d passed it around, but the anticipation of whatever she was feeling lately about him was heightened by her memories of how this process had brought them closer as friends. Jasper was kinda cute, if she was honest. If you took away some of his weird quirks and gross habits and just looked at him - like... if she had seen him in passing without knowing that he picked at his scabs, or asked you to help pop pimples on his back... She’d have to say that she thought he was an attractive guy. And either he was going through some life changes or she just had started paying attention - but a lot of his gross habits she couldn’t recall seeing lately.

It was almost like he had been either getting better or at least pretending to be more dignified. She hoped that meant that he was talking to someone about his problems and improving himself as he felt healthier. It still blew her mind that he carried around pain in that jolly body of his. That behind that boyish smile were tears that he didn’t shed or didn’t show to even his closest friends. She hoped that he knew that he could, if he needed to. She hoped that he was gonna sleep well tonight. 

As she finished writing her segment in the notebook, she knew that her emotions would show up in it. They usually did. Whenever she had something on her mind, stress, sadness, or anything... it was generally reflected in the story. Jasper used to be able to tell. He’d always draw a cute and/or corny doodle on the page whenever he noticed that she was down via her entries.

And a few days later, whenever she got it back, he had drawn her a three legged pickle, “a tri-pickle, if you will.” 

[incorrect-trolls]

the trolls as tumblr blogs

Poppy - the girl’s got no real “theme” going, but she’s definitely got a “craft” tag where she’s posted at least three hundred scrapbooking tutorials already, and probably reblogged a few do-it-yourself knitting, crocheting, or sewing videos. sometimes posts cute selfies in colorful dresses with her hair very elaborately styled, or low-quality recordings of her own original music. gets flooded with asks every day, mainly about “how do I do X with my scrapbook, please teach me” or just people telling her how pretty and nice and approachable she is. she answers every single message. no anon left behind. lots of positivity posts, too, mainly just short snippets like “you can do it!!” with smiley-face and thumbs-up emojis. reblogs every meme she sees and always remembers to tag her friends in them. sends Branch asks here and there to make sure he’s still alive. blog is astoundingly well-organized, considering how scattered it is. 

Branch - survivalist. everything. very long, detailed posts with lots of bullet points and big words and italics. the information is actually useful, if you can be bothered to sift through it. tips on how to survive everything from a house fire to the zombie apocalypse. lots of conspiracy posts, too, won’t shut up about Roswell or Illumanati. doesn’t get asks as often as Poppy does, and when he does, it’s usually some anon with some variation of “why are you like this”. responds to said asks with one-word answers. responds to Poppy’s asks with at least some measure of exasperation. reblogs her positivity posts just to counter the encouragement with something typically pessimistic, and tends to go off with her on never-ending threads back and forth where they just disagree on absolutely everything from cats vs. dogs to the infinite possibilities of multiple universes. tells anyone who will listen how much he can’t fucking stand her. would burn before he posted a selfie where “the establishment” could see. everything is meticulously tagged and scrupulously organized. probably runs a sideblog where he posts sappy romantic poetry every few days. no one on his main knows about it. they Must Never Know.

Bridget - kinda lowkey treats her blog like a diary, lots of personal posts, lots of random, unnecessary updates on her life, lots of venting. vague-blogging. all her drama out on main. reblogs recipes if she thinks they look good. doesn’t get memes, but reblogs every single one Poppy tags her in anyway. the rare selfie that does make it onto her blog quickly gets deleted when her insecurities act up. discovered the rainbow emoji a few years ago and never looked back.

Gristle - memes. just. memes. “change my mind”. “you guys are just mean”. gru meme. responds to every ask he gets with a meme. some people think he’s a bot. also lots of vine compilations. some selfies here and there, usually with a caption about how handsome he feels today. once left a comment on one of Bridget’s selfies before she deleted it and just said “hot lunch!” 

Smidge - wall-to-wall workout stuff. mainly two to three-minute videos of her doing power squats or one-handed push-ups or something of the like. has a “goals!!!” tag that’s just pictures and gifs of other bodybuilders. sometimes makes posts about the pros and cons of different sports drinks or protein shakes, and the majority of her selfies are mainly just her flexing proudly. reblogs her friends’ selfies with aggressive, kinda off-the-wall compliments - “LOVE YOURSELF AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU OR DIE” - but everyone appreciates the thought all the same. occasionally reblogs pics of pretty ladies when she’s tortured by thirst.

Guy Diamond - glitter aesthetics, mainly. gifsets and photos and stimboards of the stuff, but sometimes he’ll intersperse a pic of a big city all lit up at night or a Starbucks coffee cup or something similar.  usually posts at least one selfie per day, if not several, and captions them all w/ nothing but 3 sparkle emojis and a winky face. his text posts are typically something in the vein of “love yourself BITCH”. will talk on and on in the tags about how much he loves the post, but won’t actually tag the content of the post itself. calls every inconvenience he’s ever experienced in his life “homophobic”. if you get him in a sappy enough mood, he’ll wax poetic about the lovely life he’s going to lead with his future husband. 

Biggie - mostly just pictures of Mr. Dinkles, or text posts about him ((e.g. pic of Mr. Dinkles in sunglasses captioned “Mr. Dinkles is feeling chill!”)) or the odd photo of a meal he’s made, or a batch of cupcakes he’s really proud of. occasionally reblogs pictures of other animals as well, mainly cats and kittens. the fuzzier, the better. very sweet and welcoming to everyone, his followers just love sending him asks and hearing about his day, or getting to tell him about theirs. makes everyone feel right at home, and has upwards of ten thousand followers because of this.

Cooper - ??????????????? doesn’t really know what he’s doing at all. occasionally posts memes but none of them actually make any sense. reblogs all his friends’ posts but rarely makes any of his own. adds unnecessary comments to text posts whenever possible. doesnt tag anything.

DJ Suki - music!!!! lots of her own, of course, but reblogs plenty of her favorite bands and artists, too. takes a longggg time to respond to asks and her responses are usually v short, barely more than a few words at a time. aggressively reblogs Poppy’s music and Cooper’s meaningless memes. has sent Branch at least one (1) ask that just said, “chill”. 

Satin and Chenille - clothes tbh, esp fancy evening gowns with sparkles and ruffles and things like that, but the occasional cute blouse finds its way onto their blog, too. lots of pictures of the pieces they’re currently working on and plenty of progress updates. sometimes hold random giveaways for the outfits their followers express the most interest in. occasional step-by-step tutorials on sewing, hairstyles, makeup, or something of the sort. at least one text post a week venting nonstop about each other.

Creek - yoga and meditation techniques at least once a week, and a few tips here and there on practicing mindfulness as well. uses the words “inner peace” and “complete tranquility” several times in one post. almost never reblogs any of his friends’ posts, and ignores Poppy’s attempts to tag him in memes because it “doesn’t fit his theme”. will send Poppy lots of encouraging asks, though, especially after she’s just had a thread with Branch. follows Branch specifically to comment things like “thanks for sharing your unique perspective on things..........again” on his posts.

Cloud Guy - doesn’t tag. default theme. answers asks with the peace-sign emoji, when he gets asks at all. most people are too afraid to initiate contact. got a blog just to send Branch terrifyingly vague or profoundly irritating asks, and comments on Branch and Poppy’s threads with “she’s got a point, rotary joint” whenever he can. Branch has blocked him upwards of five times. he just keeps making blogs. 

[icequeenjules26]

A drop in the ocean

Summary: Dan had been ecstatic when his manager had informed him that strictly come dancing wanted him in the next season, until he found out HE would be there.

Word Count: 12,3k

Tags: Musician!Dan, Actor!Phil, Fluff, Angst, Strictly Come Dancing AU

A/n: Written for the @phandomficfests, crossing off the prompts Dancing with the stars (Writer's choice), 2012, Pen Pals, dog, second chance, birthday, communication, Starbucks sofa, commitment, picnic and #spon! (What a list, lol) As always the biggest ever thank you goes out to my angel @succubusphan for doing everything she could so this would get done on Phannies' day!!!

Read on AO3

August 2018

 @DanIsAGod3918: This is happening oh my god

@PhilLikesMen: finally i waited forever for this

@dannyboiiiiiii: still can’t believe they worked alongside each other without ever meeting? wtf

@bisexualDan: @dannyboiiiiiii ikr but i’m so here for it

@phanwillbeathing: FUCKINGFINALLY they’ll be together and in front of cameras this is a dream come true

 Dan groaned as he scrolled through the comments on his latest instagram post. It was honestly unbelievable. How could he not have known? He couldn’t do this - he couldn’t deal with this. It had been 6 years and Dan was still hung up about it - how was that even possible?

 He didn’t want to be here, honestly, not anymore.

 He had been ecstatic at first, when his manager had informed him that strictly come dancing, UK’s very own dancing with the stars show wanted him in the next season. He was a musician, so he hadn’t even bothered to ask them - musicians at least had the rhythm it took to dance, putting them into an advantage - but they had apparently seen the making of to his newest music video.

 Which wasn’t bad, not particularly, at least - it just showed him attempting to do an easy dance routine his choreographer had designed just for him but failing miserably. He first and foremost was a pianist, with mediocre guitar skills, but even the singing part was pushing it from time to time. Dancing? Like actually, physically moving his long limbs in an attempt to look at least somewhat graceful? The word alone let laughter bubble up his chest.

 But he had tried, for the sake of his team, and if it’s that what got him into this show in the first place then he was glad he did.

Or maybe not so much, anymore.

 Not since… Him.

 He had been invited under a bit of false pretences, Dan decided - they could’ve told him they were planning to get him as well, could they not? - as he stared at the coffee table in front of him, or more specifically, his laptop, displaying an article from some sort of gossip page. Headline:

 The meeting the UK has been waiting for: Howell and Lester both starring in strictly come dancing.

 He groaned again, shutting his laptop with his foot and letting his phone drop from his hand to sling an arm over his eyes instead, sliding down his sofa until his back laid flat on it, his butt hanging from the ledge in an awkward angle, feet propped up on his coffee table. This couldn’t be happening.

 He had been good, so, so good for so long, he had momentarily forgotten what he has even good about. But, as always, life will come and fuck him over when he least expected it. He should be used to it by now.

 He had nearly done it. Nearly forgotten those piercing blue eyes. Nearly forgotten this soothing voice, the blinding smile.

 He had almost gotten over how his stomach would swoop on the sole mention of the name, how his heart would skip a beat before picking up its pace.

 This brought it all back - and not in a good way. He couldn’t do it, it wasn’t fair. It had been years and the multiple edits of them together floating through the infinite space of the internet still made him feel like his heart would get squeezed harshly inside of his chest. He had accepted it by now; he would probably never be over him. He didn’t have the right to be, either, but meeting him now… Like this… It still hurt.

 A lot.

 Like a rusty knife in his chest.

 He had managed to avoid meeting him even while working on the same movie, for fuck’s sake. He had even skipped the premiere and every other event and interview he knew he’d be present at. Now they were being forced together by a bloody dancing show, one he was excited about, sure, but not excited enough for this.

 Never for this.

 The reaction of his fandom didn’t make it any easier. He had seen the theories and shipping all over tumblr and twitter, of course, but it had been sort of inevitable, with all the stuff they had in common and the fact they were both open about their bisexuality. Now, with the movie long over, he had thought it would subside as fast as it had risen.

 It didn’t, though, and Dan had no other choice than to go through with this.

 He groaned again. Sometimes, he hated life.

 :::

 April 2004

 Dan was ecstatic when he first learned of a thing called “Pen Pals”. His Nana had explained it to him and he loved the idea of having someone, somewhere, that he had never met but could share things with nonetheless, loved the idea of writing letters back and forth, of being excited to get home from school to check the mailbox, to see if something would be in there.

 He was only ten, but he knew enough about writing letters to do it properly, he thought. He’d also get the first checked over by his Nana, that was for sure, to make sure he wouldn’t embarrass himself on the first try. He was so excited to get started, but when he took the time to go through the suggestions the teletext had for him he was gutted. Not one of the kids there seemed genuinely interesting, not enough. Some lived so close it wouldn’t be any fun to write letters, and others were just too old.

 Then he got to the last page and a large grin erupted on his face. “Phil Lester, 12, Rawtenstall. I like Sonic and crash bandicoot and i love pokemon! buffy is the best tv show ever created. I’d love to gain a friend from far away!!!” it said, and Dan knew he’d found them. The person he’d write to.

 :::

 September 2018

 So far Dan had done an incredible job at avoiding Phil. His shooting with his tall, but quirky and optimistic dancing teacher and partner Cathy went well and fast enough for him to evade Phil. He was there during the group foto, obviously, but Dan had made a point of wanting to stay on the opposite end and surprisingly, no one had caught up on it or commented on it in any kind of way. After a week of simple dancing lessons they were now about ready to start practicing for their group dance. He was running out of options.

 That was the reason he allowed himself a chill night before the first group practice. A funny netflix show was running on the TV, he had a hot cup of tea on the coffee table and Jennah had her head resting on his thigh - he was relishing in the feeling of it.

 When his phone vibrated from somewhere next to him he grumbled along with his lady. Picking it up with his left hand he brought his right one down to lazily stroke her head. “It’s okay,” he mumbled when she opened her eyes to look up at him, only paying attention to the still offensively vibrating phone when she nuzzled closer and closed her eyes again.

 “Howell,” he answered it grouchily, head sinking against the back of his sofa. “I hope this is important.”

 Apparently, life hated him.

 “Dan? It’s Louise.”

 He suppressed the urge to growl lowly in his chest, almost certain about what was to follow. “Louise,” he huffed out instead, closing his eyes and bringing his right hand up to gently massage his glabella. There was exactly one person who knew of the whole debacle Dan had had with him, and he really didn’t need to hear another lecture about it from her.

 He knew it had been his fault.

 He also knew there was no way of undoing it, even if there was nothing he wanted more than to set things right.

 Yet, she kept pushing.

 “I just got home from vacation and checked instagram.”

 Oh. That’s what this was about. She hadn’t heard it before.

 “Louise-” he started, but got interrupted almost immediately. “No! Do not Louise me, Dan! This is getting ridiculous! Why can’t you just talk to him? If not to make it right, then at least for closure. What do you think will happen, the fucking apocalypse?!” He could tell she was aggravated, gruntled. She had always wanted him to do something, to not just sit around and let it weigh heavily on his heart, and this show obviously only made it worse.

 He couldn’t hold in the growl this time. He was gritting his teeth trying to keep himself from saying something that he’d regret later, but even that was getting harder. Jennah immediately reacted to his distrust, opening her eyes and sitting up next to him before moving closer, nuzzling his shoulder. She knew how well he reacted to cuddles, and she was willing to provide them. He could only move to stroke her back in a silent thank you. “I can’t, Louise. I fucking can’t, okay?”

 He could already hear her, taking a deep breath, setting up for a monologue, but he was having none of it. “No, Louise, no. I can’t hear it anymore. You think I don’t wish for what you want me to do, every day of every fucking week? You think I like this, doing nothing, suffering in silence? Because that’s what I’ve been doing for the past six years. But as long as you haven’t miraculously invented a time machine on your vacation, there’s no way to undo this. Have you?”

 His friend on the other end stayed silent, and he could feel the tears starting to pool into his eyes. “I thought so,” he closed, his voice breaking along the way. He managed to keep it together for as long as it took him to end the call, but then he broke down, sobbing violently. His body started shaking, he didn’t know what to do, how to make it better, so he did what he always did when he needed comfort:  he threw his arms around Jennah and moved to press his face into her neck, hiding from the world.

 :::

 April 2007

 It had been two years since Dan had send his first letter to Rawtenstall near Manchester.

 Him and Phil had become fast friends and the amount of letters they were sending to each other had become ridiculous by now. Dan’s Dad had gotten mad at him for spending that much money on postal charges only a few months after the first letter and basically told him to stop being friends with Phil - or at least tone it down considerably - so they were now using his nana’s letter box so his dad wouldn’t catch him.

 Even his nana had become agitated with it after a while, so they had a deal now. Dan did chores around the house or the garden, like doing the dishes or wiping the floor, and his nana would give him postal stamps as a payment. Other kids wanted to buy candy or save the money to spend it on games, but all he wanted was to write Phil. His nana could probably make him do anything if he’d get those postal stamps in return. To him, they were worth more than diamonds.

 They had exchanged pictures of themselves and their homes, they shared their secrets with each other and knew everything there was to know about the other, and Dan reveled in it. The had even exchanged phone numbers, but they had to pay calls in minutes, so they usually didn’t call each other except for special occasions.

 Today, apparently, was such a “special occasion”.

 When Dan got out of school he didn’t even bother to go home. Instead, he walked directly to his nana, who lived right next to him. That was a normal occurrence by now - he spent most of his time here. His parents were barely home anyways and his nana was watching his little brother after school, so it didn’t even attract his parent’s attention,

 Luckily. His dad would probably not like it. Especially not the reason behind it.

 Because, obviously, Dan didn’t spend all his time at his nana’s just because he loved her so much. He did, but he was still an introvert; he loved having time for himself and not having to talk to other human beings - he did this for Phil.

 Ridiculously much he did seemed to be for Phil nowadays.

 He was waiting for a new letter that should probably arrive today or tomorrow. It usually took four or five days, sometimes six, from sending a letter to receiving one, and he had send one last wednesday. It was monday now.

 When he opened his nana’s door with his key she was already sat in the kitchen, obviously waiting for him. After greeting her he sat down his bag on a kitchen chair before taking a seat himself, snatching an apple from the fruit bowl sat in the middle of the table. “Everything okay, nana?” he asked after taking the first bite. It wasn’t usual she was waiting for him like this, she was usually up and about around the house or reading in the living room when he got home from school.

 A smirk slowly creeped onto her face as she obviously observed him closely. “A very agitated young man called around an hour ago. Said he wanted to talk to you,” she stated and he perked up immediately, eyes flying up to her face. “Phil?” he asked, almost breathlessly, and felt the heat rising through his neck all the way up to his cheeks. He cleared his throat. “I mean - Was it Phil?” He forced his voice to be calm this time, but the grin on his nana’s face had already widened and he knew she had picked up on his behaviour immediately. “It was. I told him you’d be back around now, he should be calling again in a few minutes.” She paused, raising an eyebrow mockingly. “Anything you’d like to tell me, son?”

 He could feel his cheeks heating up even more and almost desperately avoided her eyes.

He was about to start saying something, anything, when a shrill ringing interrupted him. “I’ll go,” he practically squeaked out and jumped up to run to the hallway to get the phone.

 “Phil?”, he answered it breathlessly and was rewarded with a laugh. “Dan! Take a guess who can now phone people as much as he wants without having to pay more?” greeted him an excited voice on the other line and a wide grin stretched his face in seconds. “Hm, I don’t know. Sarah Michelle Gellar?” Again there was laughter on the other side and Dan wished he’d have a way to look at the other boy’s face when he laughed. “It’s me!” was the answer and Dan could feel excitement bubbling up in his chest.

 He looked around the hallway, realizing there was nothing to sit down on while talking on the phone. Maybe they should put a chair in there somewhere. He could see himself needing it a lot in the future.

 :::::

 September 2018

 Dan’s day was not going great so far. He was exhausted, probably dehydrated and he hadn’t eaten in a few hours, but still did not have the time to catch a break. He hadn’t gotten any proper work done for months now - since he had written the music for the movie, actually - and his manager was getting nervous. Not that he could blame her, he’d promised her a line-up for his new album back in July - but that had been before Strictly come dancing had poked its head at him. He couldn’t have let this opportunity go, so he’d had to promise her he’d work while practicing for the show.

 It wasn’t working. The whole idea had been rubbish to begin with, to be honest; he’d known the show needed his whole attention and utter commitment. Stef was just ridiculously persuasive, that was the problem here.

 Still… He couldn't do it. He just couldn’t. He’d just have to talk to Stef, he decided when he let his pen drop and looked up for the first time for hours from his place on the ground in his music room, musical sheets and random pieces of lyrics scattered around him. His head was completely blank, not one idea breaking through properly.

 He wasn’t used to this. Normally he sat a pen to paper and had an almost finished song mere hours later, but now all that came out of his head was crap.

 Or a name, he realized when he got up, looking around him to get a general view of what he’d written. His name was smudged across random pages, written in large, black letters that instantly managed to catch his attention. His breath hitched. How had he not noticed he’d been doing that?

His heart hammered in his chest and tears were starting to pool in his eyes as he looked over the papers scattered across the floor. Without thinking he pulled out his phone, taking a picture and sending it to Louise. He would probably regret that later, but he didn’t even realize what he was doing in his horrified state.

 He left his music room in a hurry, closing the door behind him in panic as if he could contain the ghost of his past relationship in there, trapping it inside. How was this still getting him? How was he still basically unable to function with the thought of it, after more than six years? Why was he still unable to let go?

 Somewhere at the bottom of his heart he knew why. He knew why he couldn’t breathe at the prospect of being in the same room with him for hours - he knew what it meant that his heart was hammering in his chest every time he set foot into the studio they were practicing the group dance in.

 He knew it. Had known it the whole time.

 He was still in love with him. Six years later and the feelings he had been fighting against the whole time were still there, strong as ever.

 He knew it, but - it didn’t change anything. Not really.

 Not when he couldn’t even think his name without breaking down into tears.  

 Phil.

 :::

 April 2008

 It had been four years since Dan had written his first letter to Phil. He was fourteen now, and he spent most of his time on the internet.

 Actually, he spent the most time talking to Phil.

 Through the internet.

 He was lucky his family had still not caught up on it. He was pretty sure his nana was aware he had not just miraculously stopped talking to Phil, even though the hour long conversations in her hallway had lessened immensely; but the rest of them - especially his dad - were still in the dark about it.

 And that was honestly the only thing that was important.

 Today was a slow day so far. It was wednesday, which to him, was amazing, because it was a day he had only a few hours of school while his parents usually stayed out far longer than usual. Why, he had no idea; he just assumed it was the busiest day of their week.

 He had gotten home around an hour ago, had made himself some lunch and settled down in front of his TV to watch some mind-numbing midday show to calm himself down after school.

 Normally, he would already be talking to Phil, who usually had a slow wednesday as well, but for some reason he wasn’t picking up, neither on his skype nor on his cellphone. He wasn’t that worried yet, but he still thought it was odd. It happened from time to time that Phil wouldn’t be there that early on wednesdays, for example when his mum caught him before he could get into his room, forcing him to do stuff for her. Normally he’d at least let him know via text, so Dan was getting a little agitated by now.

 When Phil still hadn’t texted him or picked up his phone three hours after their usual skyping-time he grew increasingly worried. He seriously considered calling Phil’s landline but was a bit scared to only reach Phil’s mum - the woman didn’t seem to like him much, not that he could blame her.

 At the exact moment he was about to call, his laptop started making noises from its place next to him on his bed, indicating an incoming skype call. He accepted the call before even picking it up.

 “Phil!” he called when the video finally loaded, revealing an obviously excited Phil, eyes sparkling and hair pushed up into a messy quiff in contrast to his usual, neatly arranged fringe. “Dan!” He grinned broadly, bouncing up and down, making the video jump along with him in the process. “You won’t believe what happened!”

 Dan was unable to hide the fond smile sneaking its way onto his face. “Robert Downey Jr. joined a cult and you get to replace him in Iron Man 2?”

 He almost choked on his own spit when Phil pouted in response. He could feel warmth wandering up his neck, settling in his cheeks and knew he was probably about as red as a lobster. How could someone be so goddamn cute and handsome at the same time?

 “Sadly, no,” Phil answered before a new grin lit up his face as he clapped his hands excitedly. “But! I did just get a role!” he exclaimed, with a smile so wide Dan was surprised it didn’t split his face in half.

 “What?” he asked, almost dumbfounded, staring at his best friend as if he’d just told him the sky was green. “Are you serious?”

 “Yes! I just got home from casting, that’s why I couldn’t call earlier. I scored a role in the sixth series of Shameless!” Phil answered, excitedly bouncing up and down again, and Dan was left to do nothing but stare. The news hardly even reached his brain with the way Phil looked, excited and glowing and all focused on his screen. Focused on Dan. He secretly pressed the Print Screen key on his laptop, conserving this picture to look at it again and again and again.

 That’s when Phil’s words properly registered in his brain. “Are you serious?”, he croaked, voice raw with the emotions coursing through him. When Phil nodded he started bouncing up and down as well, completely unconsciously, beaming so brightly in the process, the muscles in his cheeks started burning almost immediately.

 “Yes! I get to act! And I’ll earn my own money!” he exclaimed, obviously still not completely able to believe it himself. Dan let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding, eyes wide as he stared into the blue eyes of his best friend - the best friend who made his heart flutter and his breathing hitch. That was normal, right? That’s what best friends were supposed to do to you?

 Deep inside, he knew they were not, but he enjoyed living in denial for just a few days longer.

 “I’m so happy for you, Phil!” he replied, happiness seeping through him from his head all the way down to his toes. “What will you do with the money?” His voice was high pitched and giddy and his best friend chuckled in response.

 “Well, there’s someone I know that’s in desperate need of train tickets for his birthday…”

 Dan’s eyes sparkled so bright for the rest of the day, even his mum caught up on it hours later.

 :::

 September 2018

 As the date for the launch show drew incredibly near so did the point where he’d finally have to talk to Phil. The amount of requests for interviews with them both together were growing ridiculous and the bbc hyped it up as much as possible. He was a professional, and he got the general idea of why the bbc reacted the way they did, but that didn’t mean he liked it.

 Not really. Not at all.

 Still, when the launch show was rolling he managed to not exchange a single word with Phil. Whenever there were cameras he was at least 20 meters away from Phil so they couldn’t force them both in frame with the little time they had backstage.

 He got on stage sometimes in the middle of the show and was interviewed. It was mostly just general questions about his life at the moment, how his new album was coming along and if there was anything planned, but he truthfully answered that right now, he was entirely committed to this show. It meant a lot to him already. He was excited to learn even more about music and to dance, and when he announced that any money he’d make during it would be donated to Young Minds the audience basically flipped. He was amazed at the reaction it caused; he hadn’t expected it.

 The questions got a bit more personal afterwards. They packed it nicely, sure, asking about any Ladies or Gentlemen in his life that could be offended with his dedication to the show, but it was still basically the question of if he was in a relationship or not.

 So he decided to have a bit of fun with that.

  “Well, there’s always Stef, my manager. Oh, and my queen, of course, she’s really not amused I’m spending so much time away from home,” he answered with a chuckle, all teasingly and with a suggestive wink, hinting at something that wasn’t there. He predicted that it would grant him protection from the bbc’s shipping attempts at least for the first few shows; it was also their own fault.

 They didn’t know “my queen” ment a five year old Shakita Inu lady named Jennah after the queen in his favorite video game. Most of his fans would obviously know or at least assume that - she was all over his Instagram after all - but even that could take a while.

 He looked around when he said it, gauging the reaction it caused in the audience. He had expected everything, really, from joy to devastation from his fans, some of who were clearly sat in the audience right now; but what he did not expect… Was Phil.

 He caught sight of his face only briefly, but he could not believe what he found there.

Phil’s face was scrunched up, hurt written all over it, and when their eyes met for just a single blink, the blue was dull and washed down, more grey than colourful. He could have sworn there were tears glistening in the corner of them, threatening to fall any moment.

 But that had to be some kind of coincidence.

 It had to.

 There was no other option.

 After the interview he somehow successfully weaseled himself out of without giving away too much information, he performed his latest single, written for the movie Phil had played the leading role in. He could feel Phil’s eyes on him the whole time he played, the look burning on his skin like melted caramel, sweet and hurtful at the same time. His fingers prickled with the knowledge that those eyes were finally looking at him again, playing a song that was obviously based on their relationship.

 Not that any song that Dan had written had not been somehow based on that.

 For a brief moment, Dan wondered if Phil had realized, if he still cared. Cared that his career was basically solely based on the things Phil had told him when they were younger. Did he even realize how big his impact on Dan’s life had been? Or did he still believe the things Dan had told him six years ago to push him away?

 He didn’t know. He only knew that it hurt.

 A lot.

 When the last, sorrowful notes of the song thrummed through his fingers and his throat as he pressed the keys and sang the words, his mind provided him with the fact that their anniversary was only a few weeks away and he couldn’t stop a single tear from making its way down his cheek. His heart was throbbing forcefully in his chest and his breathing hitched the exact moment the last note had rung out. He just hoped no camera had caught that.

 Knowing his luck, they’d have it on closeup.

 ::::

 October 2009

 Dan didn’t know why, but this time things seemed to be different when he arrived at Manchester Train station. Phil seemed agitated, almost nervous when he greeted him, fiddling with his jacket and adjusting his fringe whenever his hands weren’t otherwise occupied. Dan wasn’t sure what to make of that, but decided to let it slide without much comment. He was sure whatever it was Phil would tell him as soon as he was ready. They knew each other for longer than 5 years at this point, Phil knew he could talk to him about everything.

 Instead of taking the bus back to Rawtenstall Phil lead him on a journey through Manchester. They visited sights Dan had never payed attention to and afterwards they went to get a coffee at Starbucks, sitting together closely in the booth they always occupied when they were there; so closely their whole sides were touching. Dan’s right hand laid on the table as they talked, occasionally sipping on their caramel lattes, and he itched to take Phil’s left one into his, placed just a few centimeters apart. Did Phil realize he had his palm up, basically inviting Dan to take it, or was it just coincidence?

 They continued their journey when they were both done with their coffees, talking and laughing as usual, yet, something seemed different. When they walked, their hands would brush together, and Dan could have sworn Phil’s fingertips were outstretched towards the back of his hand.

 He knew it was probably nothing more than wishful thinking, but a guy could dream, right?

 Phil still was straight up on edge when they arrived at their destination, which Dan quickly identified as the Manchester eye. Why they were there, he had no idea, but he liked it. He had been living close to London his whole life, yet never had had come around to take a ride on the London Eye.

 “Did you do it on purpose?” he asked gently when they got into the cabin, both sat on the same bench, pressed up together. “Do you remember?” The view got better and better the higher they went, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Phil, whose blue eyes shone brightly in the light of the setting sun.

 “Of course I remember,” Phil answered softly, eyes completely trained on Dan, “You always wanted to visit the London Eye, so I figured this is the next best thing.”

 Dan couldn’t keep the eye contact any longer, so he turned his head, looking out the other side. He could feel tears rising, that’s how overwhelmed he was with the whole gesture, but he blinked them away. “This is better,” he murmured, voice barely above a whisper.

 Then there was a hand on his cheek, gently taking a hold of his chin, turning him around until his sight was back on Phil. All the previous tension and nervousness seemed to have left his body. His movements now were confident and certain, determination shining in his eyes as they gazed into Dan’s. “Everything's better with you,” Phil whispered and Dan breathing hitched, his whole body shuddering with anticipation.

 When they finally kissed Dan realized it had been inevitable from the start. Phil’s lips felt warm, velvety, right against his own and it was like the world finally set into place. Like everything had been unsure and wavering all his life, turning and spinning around him, leaving Dan unable to ever find his footing, but now it had clicked into place and everything stood still for the first time in his life.

 After the kiss ended Phil didn’t let go of Dan. Instead he sat his hand on his cheek and pressed their foreheads together, his bright, blue eyes gazing into Dan’s as if he was the only one that would ever matter. “I like you, Dan,” he whispered, voice almost inaudible. “I really, really like you.”

 Dan’s heart stopped for a few seconds, his breath caught in his throat and he felt like the world around them had come to a crashing halt, like time had stopped for everyone but them. Was this really happening? Or was it just one of the dreams that would keep him on edge for hours afterwards, knowing it would never come true?

 He had hoped, wished for this for so long; had prayed to a god he didn’t even believe in - yet Phil had never made the first move. They had felt like a real possibility from the first time they met over a year ago on Dan’s 15th birthday, when Phil had stumbled over his words when they had hugged and his cheeks had burned crimson red. Dan would never forget that day; the day he had realized that he wanted them to end up together against all odds.

 Then his neck started burning from the way it was bend and he realized - this was real.

 It was raw, it wasn’t perfect, but it was real, and Dan could feel tears rising into his eyes. “I really, really like you too, Phil,” he answered and then Phil leaned in to kiss him again, a sob of relief breaking from his throat.

 And for that one, single moment Dan felt like they could defeat everything that would ever stand in their way.

 :::::

 October 2018

 Their anniversary had always been particularly hard on Dan. Normally he’d spent the day curled up on his couch with Jennah, eating a ridiculous amount of chocolate and drinking too much alcohol, Louise on the phone or somewhere in his flat, keeping him from doing things he would regret later on - like calling his dad; he’d done that one year, hadn’t ended well. Not really.

 This year, Dan wouldn’t be able to do that. This year, he’d even have to meet Phil at some point of the day for rehearsal, probably for longer than he’d be able to endure.

 Because that’s what he was doing, Dan realized as he checked into his hotel room, enduring Phil’s presence. It was still torture to even be in the same room as him, let alone talk to him. What would happen when Phil finally got tired of ignoring him; when his selferestrain would finally break and he’d unload six years of pent up aggression towards him?

 Dan would crack at the first word, turn around and run, public appearance be damned.

 He was just hoping it wouldn’t happen during a live broadcast.

 This week Dan had decided to screw the hotel’s room policy and bring Jennah with him. He needed her today, more than ever, he wouldn’t survive the day without her - especially not the night, when he’d have gotten back from rehearsal - after seeing Phil. Fortunately, he didn’t even get one single negative comment when he lead the lady dog into the hotel, suitcase in tow. The pretty, courteous dog got nothing but positive comments from the staff, especially when they realized how well-trained she was, following his commands immediately even when he accidentally dropped her leash. She was wary towards strangers, still hadn’t even completely accepted Louise as his friend, but she trusted him with a burning passion that overshadowed everything else.

 They finally made it up to their room and Dan didn’t feel energized enough to do anything else but flop down on the bed. Jennah, who knew she was not allowed to climb onto the bed without an explicit invitation, whined softly at him, and he didn’t have it in him to deny her request. She was incredibly sensitive of his emotions and sensed that he needed comfort, but was unable to provide it due to the distance Dan had put between them.

 He softly patted the space next to him and she jumped up immediately, laying down cuddled into his side, head gently resting on his shoulder. He drapped his arm around her, stroking her soft fur. She continued to make quiet whimper like noises, but they were less needy now, more content.

 The tears started rising without his consent. He didn’t even know what caused them, he just knew that suddenly, they were there, threatening to fall; and then there was a sob escaping his throat, the dam broke and the tears started flowing freely. He couldn’t believe this was happening.

 A few more hours and it had been nine years on the dot. Exactly nine years since Phil had made the first step, kissing him on the Manchester eye.

 Dan wanted nothing more than to kiss him again, like he had been able to until this faithful day six years ago, to kiss him and hug him and love him - but he couldn’t, and it was ripping him apart from the inside out.

 It wasn’t fair. He was aware he hadn’t always been the best person, was aware he’d made mistakes, but didn’t everyone? What was it that entitled him specifically for this sorrow, this heartbreak; a pain you wouldn’t wish upon your worst enemies?

 When it was time to head over to the studio for the final rehearsal he was barely able to let go of Jennah. He knew he couldn’t bring her with him, but that didn’t make it any easier to leave her soft fur and gentle comfort behind.

 He managed to though, eventually, tears dried and the puffiness of his eyes immensely decreased after crying for what felt like hours.

 Maybe it had been hours. Or maybe he’d stopped crying halfway through and had just laid there, cuddling Jennah and staring off into space, into nothingness, into a time where he and Phil had been together and so happy Dan had thought he might just burst any second.

 Before his world had been ripped into shreds.

 Arriving at the studio he discovered that life definitely hated him. He and Phil had never really met on camera and he’d managed to avoid him during the aftershow and even the daily talk show, but now he saw this week’s order of dancHe didn’t have it in him to say much more, his heart was itching to tell the truth and he knew he couldn’t trust himself much longer.ers and he wanted to barf or cry or die on the spot.

 It was just his luck that put him on seventh spot with Phil in eighth - the exact time they had kissed, half past seven - which meant that despite his best efforts he would definitely meet Phil today.

 Out of all the shows, why did it have to be today? Wasn’t it enough he was already laying on the ground, broken beyond repair? No, life had to send someone after him to squash him, again and again and again until he would be unable to ever get up again.

 While waiting for their turn Cathy, his dance partner, managed to keep his mind off of things. They talked and laughed and when she asked him about how his queen was doing he gladly took out his phone, showing her a few of the array of pictures he had taken on their walk last night. Her eyes started sparkling immediately. “She’s so beautiful. And she’s completely fixed on you, Dan, like you’re her everything, it’s so cute,” she gushed and Dan blushed.

 Something crashed then and he looked up, only barely catching sight of a distraught looking Phil scurrying away in a hurry.

 Surprisingly, his rehearsal went okay. He was a bit more nervous and jumpier than usual, but he was a professional, so he was able to act it off quite successfully.

 When he was done with it, though, and turned to get backstage, that’s when it all went to hell.

 Cathy had gone on ahead without him, claiming to desperately need water, so there was no one else around when he met Phil on the way. He was trying to get past him as fast as possible, but due to the passage backstage being so small there he had to brush Phil - that’s when he felt long, slender fingers reaching for him, closing around his wrist. For a moment, their eyes met and the blue was so vengeful, so cold Dan was left standing in a snowstorm.

 He stopped dead in his track, eyes wide open, staring ahead, trying to not look at Phil, to not give him any more openings.

 Because this was it, Dan thought; this was the moment his carefully mended heart would get smashed into pieces all over again.

 Phil moved his face next to Dan, so close he could feel Phil’s breath on his skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. “I hope she’s good enough for you,” he hissed into Dan’s ear, voice so cold it froze the remaining pieces of Dan’s heart. They clinked a melody as they burst, a melody sounding dangerously like the song Dan had written for the movie, the song Dan had written solely for the purpose of reaching Phil.

 He didn’t even know how he got away. Maybe he hadn’t, maybe Phil had just moved past him and let him stand there, desperately clinging to the remaining shards of his heart. They seared him as he tried to hold on to them, but he didn’t even feel it anymore. The pain was gone, all that was left was a numbness that could’ve, should’ve scared him.

 The next thing he knew he was sitting on a sofa in one of the resting rooms backstage, a bottle of water in his hands. He could hear people walking by in the hallway, but he was completely alone, which he was more than glad for. Streaks of tears were running down his cheeks as he sobbed quietly, and all he wanted to do was to get to Jennah, to press his face into her soft fur and accepting the knowledge that yes, he would never be okay again, but it didn’t matter as long is this amazing creature loved him.

 The opening of a door tore him out of his thoughts and he stood up reflexively. He had hoped that maybe, it was Cathy checking in on him or one of the crew members informing him that he could go back to the hotel now, but no.

 No. It was Phil.

 Of course it was.

 He looked horrible. His form was hunched over, as if he barely had the strength to hold himself up anymore and his eyes were red and swollen with tears running down his cheeks.

 Dan took an unconscious step forwards, moving to comfort Phil, until he realized that he had lost all privilege to do so years ago.

 How was he still not used to that, he wondered briefly when Phil finally raised his head and their eyes met.

 “You know,” he started, voice hoarse and barely above a whisper, “I want to forgive you. I want to forgive you so that -” His voice broke and he took a deep breath - or maybe it was a sob. Dan couldn’t be sure.  “So that I can stop.” He got louder, more confident and Dan wanted to say something, anything, but he was frozen, unable to move or even breathe.

 “Stop thinking of what you did to me… Stop thinking of you,” he continued and fresh tears sprang into Dan’s eyes, a pain in his chest, so soaring he was sure it would consume him any moment.

 “Forgive you, so that I never have to think of you ever again… Because I refuse to.” Phil’s voice broke again as a sob rattled him, new tears spilling from his eyes and he looked so broken Dan’s heart was pierced by a million spears all at once.

 Just for a second it was quiet, complete silence engulfing them aside from the distinct chatter coming from somewhere down the hallway. Not that Dan even registered it as they continued to stare into each others eyes, a pain soaring through his body like howling flames, burning their way through his veins, leaving behind nothing but destruction.

“But I can’t.” Phil sobbed again and finally looked away, down to the ground before he lifted his gaze again, staring dead into Dan’s eyes. “I want to, so, so desperately, but I can’t.”

 He didn’t even wait for Dan to react, not for the hurried “Phil, wait!” Dan finally managed to throw after him, only released from the spell that had kept him rooted to the spot when they broke eye contact, nor for the sob that fought its way up his throat. He just turned around and left Dan to break down on his own.

 :::

 June 2012

 Dan’s nineteenth birthday was the most beautiful one he’d ever had.

 Firstly, he was in a generally good place in life. He had finally started pursuing music as a real career option after Phil had practically begged him to for years and had gotten his first contract a few weeks ago. His parents were surprisingly okay with it - or at least his mum was - and his nana was the most encouraging he’d ever seen her.

 Secondly, Phil was the most amazing boyfriend he ever could’ve asked for. He was supporting Dan’s every decision, he was thoughtful and attentive and, quite frankly, hot as fuck. He always took Dan’s opinions into account when he made decisions and was considerate of whatever problems Dan had - which were, mostly, about the fact that Dan’s parents still didn’t know of either the fact that he was still in contact with Phil, nor about Dan’s sexuality - let alone his relationship to Phil. It didn’t make things easy, but now that Phil earned a lot of money he sponsored Dan a train ticket every other weekend - at least when he wasn’t away for whatever acting role he was doing at the time. It was a system that worked for them, and Dan didn’t care about anything else.

 And thirdly, his amazing boyfriend had managed to get some time off from filming so they could spend a few precious days together over his birthday.

 Spending time together got increasingly difficult with Phil’s rising popularity, but they spent a week all alone in the cottage that Phil’s parents owned, a cottage on top of a cliff on the isle of man. They went on a picnic on the beach almost every day, and it was during one of those on monday, his actual birthday, when Phil gifted him with a key to his new flat in London and a speech soaked with the love he felt for him.

 Dan had never felt more like flying than he did in this moment.

 Unfortunately, that only made his fall even harder.

 When he got home on thursday the atmosphere at home seemed weird from the very first moment he stepped through the door. He was well rested and had been in a bliss-like state the whole week, but now he got anxious when he climbed the stairs to his bedroom, suitcase in tow.

 His suspicions got verified when he pushed the doors to his bedroom open and revealed his little brother, hunched over on the edge of his bed, clutching a pillow to his belly and sobbing loudly.

 Dan closed the door behind him and hurdled over to his little brother. “Adrian!” he murmured apprehensively, moving to sling an arm around the boy’s shoulders. “My god, what’s wrong?”

 “I-i’m s-so sorry, D-Dan,” he squeezed out in between sobs. Dan tried to comfort him, gently murmuring encouraging nonsense, until Adrian had calmed down a bit, at least enough to form semi-coherent sentences. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, I swear, I was just looking at the pictures and dad came in and-”

 Dan’s blood froze in his veins, his heart stopped and the hand on his brother’s arm clenched involuntarily. “What did he see,” he clenched out between gritted teeth, missing the questioning tone but Adrian answered him anyway. “One of the picture of you and Phil kissing. I’m so sorry.”

 Dan didn’t even hear him anymore. He felt like the world had been pulled out from under his feet and he was falling, tumbling down an endless cliff he had no idea how to get out of.

 His dad choose this exact moment to storm into the room, looking about ready to murder his innocent child. “We need to talk, Dan,” he said in a monotone voice, but his eyes were so aggressive Dan wanted nothing else but to curl up into a ball and hide. It’s fine, he wanted to make himself believe, you can just go and live with Phil if he throws you out.

 But it went worse than he had feared.

 It turned out his father didn’t want him out of the house, now that he was on his way to success in the music industry, and he had his way of forcing him to stay. Instead of screaming at him, threatening him to throw him out, he blackmailed Dan.

 He still screamed, a lot, about what a disgrace he was and why, out of all the males in this country, it had to be this one. Dan strongly assumed it wouldn’t have made any difference if it would’ve been Prince Harry or whatever other male member of the royal family, but he kept his mouth shut.

 He briefly toyed with the idea to jump in to defend Phil, to tell his father that he was a successful actor and an amazing person, but he didn’t give him the chance to say anything.

 “I want him out of your life. You are going to cut every and all ties to that filth and will not contact him again in any kind of way. That clear?” His father’s voice had gone from screaming to hissing and the volume had gone down considerably, but his eyes stayed the same, fixing Dan in a gaze harder than steel. He took a deep breath. That was it. That was him standing up to his father for the first time in his life.

 “Why?” he asked, eyes set dead on him, “Why would I do that? I love him, Dad. I’ll stay with him, no matter what you say. I don’t care what you’ll do to me.” He was proud his voice didn’t break or falter in the slightest, and for a moment he thought that he’d done it, that he’d won.

 Then a smirk creeped onto his father’s face and he knew something was about to go terribly wrong.

 “You might not care about yourself”, his father said, voice cheerful like he knew he was about to ruin Dan’s life, and he liked it. “But don’t you care about your boyfriend?” Dan hadn’t been aware that the term boyfriend could sound like a slur, but suddenly it did. “I have acquired some pictures the public might find incredibly interesting…”

 Dan hadn’t noticed it before, but his father had Dan’s old laptop open on the table in front of him; the very laptop he had given his little brother because he had gotten himself a new one from his first self-earned money.

 Dan already knew what he would see there when his father turned it around. He had transferred, but forgotten to delete all the pictures he had saved on there, including a variety of ones of Phil and him, cuddling, kissing - happy. Maybe he hadn’t even particularly cared to delete them, considering Adrian was aware of Dan’s relationship, had been for a long time. He had been happy for him and the warmth Dan had always felt at the prospect had frozen to solid ice now.

 Tears started prickling in his eyes and it took all his willpower to suppress the sob that was threatening to rip from his throat. He knew what his father was suggesting. He was obviously waiting for Dan to make a choice - but they both knew there was no choice to make.

 The crushing realization that he would give into his father’s blackmail made his heart shatter into a million pieces, but there was nothing he could do about it. The public had become much more open about those topics, but they both knew a sexuality scandal would be enough to destroy Phil’s entire career.

 They also both knew Dan couldn’t do that to Phil - not even risk it. His father had his resources, and when he wanted to know of every interaction between Dan and Phil, then he would.

 So Dan had to end it. For good.

 He was given the chance of one last skype call to break up with Phil. He knew he wasn’t the best actor and that Phil would be able to tell he’d been crying and how incredibly crushed he was, so he had to make sure that Phil wouldn’t realize, make him preoccupied with himself.

 He had to play into Phil’s insecurities. He hated himself for it, but it needed to be done; even if it tore him apart in the process.

 Phil greeted him in his usual, cheerful voice when the call connected and Dan could already feel the tears starting to rise, a sob threatening to escape his throat. There was a weight on his chest, so heavy he didn’t know how he was able to stay in an upright position. He carefully plastered an indifferent mask onto his face while his mind went back in time to keep the tears at bay; back to his birthday, back when he’d been so happy he hadn’t even known what to do with all the happiness.

 He cut right to the case, unable to put off the evil any longer.

 “Phil.. I can’t do this any longer. I have tried, but… I can’t. You’re just…” His throat constricted and he almost had to gag. He had never said words more untrue in his entire life. “You’re not good enough for me.”

 He couldn’t look Phil in the eyes as he said it. He didn’t want to see the pain, the sorrow; didn’t want to hear the sobs and the pleeds. He wanted away. Far, far away; to a place where he and Phil could be happy… Could be together.

 He felt like a monster.

 Would feel like one for a long time.

  “But I love you!” Phil pleaded. Dan’s heart constricted in his chest. His palms were probably ripped open with the force he pressed his nails into them, trying to keep himself from breaking.

 He didn’t have it in him to say much more, his heart was itching to tell the truth and he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his facade much longer. He couldn’t help but let a tiny, incredibly quiet “I’m sorry, I love you” slip out, but it was drowned out by Phil’s cries.

 Louder, he said “We’re done. Don’t contact me ever again,” ended the call and forced himself to block Phil on any and all social media.

 Only then did he allow himself to break down.

 He knocked the glass from his bedside table as he started wailing, crumbling apart; and he watched it fall to the ground and shatter into a million pieces…

 Just like his heart.

 ::::

 October 2018

 Dan didn’t know how he made it back to his hotel room. He only knew Jennah was already waiting for him by the door as he stumbled inside, whining when she saw his state. She was by his side immediately, whimpering as she pressed her head to his thigh.

 He didn’t even make it to the bed. Instead, he sunk to the ground right there, back pressed against the door. Jennah didn’t waste any time to cuddle into his side nuzzling his shoulder. He raised his hand to stroke her ears and she rewarded him with a soft whimper, nearly drowning the sound of his sobs.

 He couldn't do this any longer. He had endured the pain for six years but now It felt like he had reached his breaking point. he couldn't do it one single second longer. He was at his breaking point.

 He skurried a bit to fumble out the phone hidden in the front pocket of his black skinny jeans. Jennah continued to provide comfort, and he appreciated it more than anything else, but he needed more. He needed his best friend.

 He had to discover that the reception in the hotel was more than bad, though, so he had no other choice but to drag himself across the room to the balcony. He slumped down again when he was outside, sliding down with his back pressed against the glass. It was the middle of October and only around six pm, but it was almost completely dark outside already. He could see the stars from where he sat and briefly wished he would be up there, somewhere far, far away, where the way his heart had been crushed meant nothing anymore.

 He was aware there was no such place, no matter how far away. But for a moment, he let himself dream.

 Until Jennah’s wet snout nuzzled into his hands.

She was back at his side again, a chocolate bar held carefully in her snout, and he wanted to cry again, out of love for this wonderful creature. “Thank you. I love you so much,” he whispered and ruffled the fur between her ears affectionately, taking the chocolate and ripping the wrapping open to take a bite. It was a bit inconvenient with one hand, considering he still held his phone in the other, but -

 Wait. Phone, balcony…

 Right. Louise.

 He dialed her number as he swallowed the first bite of chocolate.

 She picked up on the first ring. “Dan. How are you doing?” she asked, gently and caring, and suddenly there was warmth spreading through his chest. “I’m okay,” he tried, but his voice was croaky and hollow and he didn’t even believe himself.

 “Oh, honey. What happened?” Of course she wasn’t fooled. He shouldn’t even have tried.

 “I.. He… He talked to me.” He cuddled into Jennah for the extra comfort as he talked, who sat pressed into his side, a bastion of calm in the middle of the storm that was his pain.

 That’s how he told Louise everything that had happened. How they had passed each other in the entry to the stage. How Phil had come back to talk to him, what he had said, how broken he had looked. He started crying somewhere halfway through the story and there was some kind of rustling on the balcony beside his, indicating there was someone there, but he didn’t care.

 “Oh, Dan,” she whispered when he was done, and he could almost feel her embrace. He was so accustomed to her present, especially on this particular day, and it was strange to not have her there with him. He sobbed again. “It’s just,” he croaked, new tears spilling from his eyes, “In the end he’s right. It’s my fault. What happened is my fault and I just -” He halted, unsure of how to continue. “How could I do this to him?”

  “It’s not your fault, Dan,” Louise remarked, voice still soft, obviously scared to make his breakdown even worse by unsettling him.

 In the end, maybe it was that what unsettled him the most. The carefulness, the way she treated him like he was a small child or a wild animal, like he could get spooked and run away every second. “But it was!” he cried, louder now, and Jennah next to him howled lowly. “There has to be something I could have done differently! I could’ve tried fighting my dad, or try to make him see reason! Or at least something to make Phil understand I did it just to save him and his career!”

 It was silent for a while before he continued, and he knew she kept quiet just to let him get it out. “I was just so scared. I loved… Love him so much, Louise. Everything I did was just for him.” There was a broken sob from somewhere to his right and he froze immediately. For a second he thought it had been him, choking out a sob unintentionally, but Jennah’s head was turned over to the right too, staring intensely into the darkness. Again, there was rustling on the balcony there, a sound like a door sliding closed. His lady dog growled lowly for a second, but then complete silent engulfed them both, aside from the voice of Louise in his ear, murmuring soothing words.

 He was starting to think he’d imagined it all when there was a harsh knock on his door. He sat there, frozen, head turned to look through the glass pane, across his room to where the sound came from. He sat completely still, a hand laid on top of Jennah’s head tentatively to keep her quiet. A few seconds the knock came back, louder this time, more insistent. “Dan, open the door!” a voice shouted from the outside and his breathing itched. That had almost sounded like…

 “Phil?!” he questioned quietly, talking to himself, which made Louise quiet down on the other end of his still going phone call. “Louise I think… I think Phil is at my door,” he whispered into the device, unsure of how to proceed. “What are you doing still on the phone then?! Go talk to him!” she insisted in a high-pitched voice and had hung up on him before he could even react.

 “Dan! I know you’re there! Open the goddamn door!” the voice shouted again and there was more knocking. For a second he looked between his phone and the door, unsure of what to do, but then he got up and made his way inside of the room. Jennah followed him cautiously, but he stopped by the bed. “Can you stay here for me, love?” he asked her, pointing to the ground she stood on, and she sat down reluctantly, throwing him a look that was clearly not amused and slightly worried. “I’ll be fine,” he whispered and moved forward. He turned on the soft light on the headboard of the bed through the switch by the door before he opened.

 In front of it stood Phil, hair ruffled, cheeks reddened, if from the shouting or the obvious tears, Dan couldn’t be sure. He marched into the room, brushing past Dan as if he hadn’t even seen him, but stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted the dog still patiently sitting next to the bed.

 It was silent for a while after Dan had shut the door. Phil stared at his dog as she stared right back, silently estimating each other, and Dan stood slightly to the side, gaze switching between them like he was watching a tennis match.

 “Come here, girl. It’s okay,” he said after a while in the direction of his dog, who stood up silently and made her way over to them. She let Dan stroke her fur before she bravely marched forward, right up to Phil. Dan held his breath as he watched her generously accepting Phil’s outstretched hand, letting him pet her.

 “Phil, meet Jennah,” he introduced them, and Phil, who had crouched down to be on eyelevel with his dog, stopped dead in his track, head wiping up to meet Dan’s gaze for the first time since he marched through the door. His eyes were blue, so blue in the soft light and Dan’s heart constricted in his chest. He felt like drowning.

 “Jennah?” Phil whispered questioningly, eyes wide, still stroking the dog’s fur, “as in… Queen Jennah?”

 He whipped his head around, looking between Dan and his dog as he obviously made the connection. “She’s not a girl,” he stated, louder this time, “When you said your Queen you… You meant your dog?”

 Dan just nodded. He didn’t trust his voice in this moment. The weight of the situation came crashing down on him, and he felt himself swaying a bit. He moved over to the couch in the corner of the room, sinking down on it, closely followed by Phil and Jennah.

 “I thought…” Phil murmured to himself as he sat down quite close to Dan, not quite touching, but it was a close call. “You thought I was talking about my girlfriend,” Dan stated in a matter-of-fact tone as he pulled his legs up to his body, leaning against the backrest of the couch. Jennah sat right in front of it, her head cramped on the couch in the small space between his and Phil’s leg.

 “Yes,” Phil answered breathlessly, absently stroking Jennah’s fur, staring at her like he couldn’t quite believe she was real. “She likes you,” Dan declared fondly, full of affection, “She doesn’t even let Louise that close. And she usually sits her when I’m gone.”

 “Is that who you were talking to?” Phil asked softly, turning his head over to Dan now, who tensed up immediately at the question. This was it, then. They would talk about this, right now.

 His heart was beating wildly in his chest and a light feeling bubbled up in the pit of his stomach, a feeling he couldn’t quite place… Not until he recognized it as something that he had deemed impossible for a long time now. Was that... Hope?

 “Yeah,” he answered, and his voice was deep and husky and nearly broke halfway through this one single word. He was so nervous he couldn’t even hope to control his breathing and had to wrap his arms around his legs to keep his hands from shaking.

 “How much did you hear?” he whispered, stoically staring ahead, avoiding Phil’s eyes. “Pretty much everything, I think,” Phil answered and Dan’s heart almost leaped out of his chest. Oh god, what was he supposed to do?

 He started chewing on his lower lip as he took a deep, but quivering breath. “What happened back then, Dan?” Phil asked softly, body completely shifted into Dan’s direction now, one leg folded under the other to allow him to sit sideways. He was still stroking Jennah’s fur absently with one hand and the lady dog savoured it with closed eyes. Traitor.

 For a second, Dan didn’t know how to breathe. He shot a quick glance over to Phil, to his eyes, and he wasn’t sure if the look in them made it easier or harder to say what he had to say. There was something in there… Something speaking of feelings Dan had contemplated as long-lost. He shuddered.

 “I was… So happy with you that week, Phil,” Dan whispered, tears nearly choking him as they silently started rising into his eyes again. Where he even took them from anymore, he couldn’t be sure. “But when I came home I…” His throat constricted heavily and he had to suppress a retch. “My little brother sat on my bed, crying. Telling me he was sorry and that it was an accident.” His voice was unbelievably quiet now and completely breathless, and he felt Phil leaning in closer to understand what he was saying. “I had given him my old laptop before we went to the isle of man, do you remember?”

 He took the courage to look over to Phil again, who nodded. “You were so proud you made money with your music,” Phil reminisced tentatively, matching his volume to Dan’s, “So you went and bought yourself a new laptop from it.” He chuckled lowly. “You were so excited, said you’d finally be able to see me when we skyped.”

 Dan nodded back and had to close his eyes for a moment to keep the tears at bay. “I had forgotten to delete the old pictures still on there. Or maybe I just didn’t do it, I can’t even remember. Adrian knew and I didn’t-” A choking sound escaped his throat before he was able to continue. “I didn’t think it would matter,” he closed breathlessly, so quiet the blood pounding in his ears drowned out his own voice.

 It was at this moment Phil obviously made the connection. He shot up from his hunched-over sitting and stared at Dan, wide-eyed. “Your father saw the pictures?” he asked and Dan could see the shock in his eyes.

 “He barged in on Adrian as he looked through them,” Dan confirmed, his voice back to a slightly louder volume. He shook his head. “He was so shocked, Phil. Full of guilt.”

 Phil sucked in a sharp breath. “What did your father do?”, he asked, tears clogging up his throat on their way up. Dan could feel his eyes on him as he moved to burrow his face against his knees. “Oh god, Dan, what did he do?” There was a panic in his voice now and Dan failed to keep the next sob from breaking out.

 He raised his head, tears stinging in his eyes as he looked over to Phil. “He blackmailed me, Phil. My own father. He told me... “ His voice broke and Jennah whimpered from her place on the ground, sensing his pain. “He told me he’d out you in public if I wouldn’t cut all ties to you.” He was full-on crying now and before he knew it, Phil was suddenly there, taking him into his arms, gently stroking his back. Jennah nuzzled his thigh and he moved one hand to gently caress her head.

 “I’m so, so sorry Phil,” he squeezed out in between sobs, burying his head in the crock of Phil’s neck. “I was so scared he would destroy your career. He would have found out when I would have tried talking to you in secret and I just... I couldn’t let him do that to you. I loved you so much.”

 For some time he just sat there, crying as Phil held him in his arms, mumbling soothing words and gently rubbing his back.

 It was Phil who eventually broke the silence, long after his cries and broken sobs had rung out. “Out there on the balcony, when you talked to Louise, you said…” He let his voice fade out and Dan could feel him swallowing heavily. “You corrected yourself. You said…”

 Dan knew what he wanted to say. “I said I still love you.”

 He felt Phil nodding, felt his hand tremble as it rubbed circles into his back. He uprighted himself, staring straight into Phil’s blue eyes.

 I was now or never.

 “It’s true, Phil,” he whispered, voice hoarse as he stared. “I love you. I never stopped. It’s been six years and I just...” He let his head hanging down, closing his eyes. “I could never forget you. You were always there. I couldn’t even watch you on TV without breaking into tears because of how much I missed you.”

 Suddenly, there was a hand on his cheek and he opened his eyes, wordlessly staring into Phil’s. The blue was shining brightly and there was a smile on his face, so wide Dan was sure it hurt. “I love you too, Dan,” he said, his voice full of joy and happiness - and love. “I love you too, oh my god, I never stopped. I wanted to, so badly, but I couldn’t.”

 There was a moment of silent communication, of Phil asking for permission and Dan granting it, and then they moved forward in utter synchronicity until their lips met in the middle in a kiss so sweet it would put every candyfloss to shame. Somewhere in the room the needle of the wall clock ticked half past seven.

 When they broke the kiss to come up for air it was quiet for a moment as they looked into each other’s eyes, and then they were crying; crying and laughing and reveling in happiness, Jennah cheerfully barking back at them.

 “Can you… Will you give us a second chance?” Dan asked when they both had calmed down considerably, holding Phil’s hands in his, thumbs moving over the smooth skin on their backs; still unbelieving of the fact that he was allowed to feel it again.

 There were tears in his eyes as Phil looked at Dan, silently, and then he was laughing as the tears started falling. “Of course. Of course, Dan, of course. I would like nothing more than to be with you again.”

 This time, the kiss was a bit less sweet, a bit more heated, and it lasted a lot longer - at least until Jennah, obviously dissatisfied of being left out, was suddenly there, running her tongue across both of their faces.

 “Jennah!”, they both screeched in unison, laughing at the Shiba and Akita Inu Mix, who had her forelegs on the sofa to reach their faces, her tail energetically wagging around as she whoof-ed at them happily.

 They all slept in Dan’s bed that night, closely cuddled together, Dan with his head on Phil’s chest with Jennah somewhere in between.

 Four weeks later when, in the middle of a show, Dan heard about the fact that both him and Phil had been nominated for the german filmfest Berlinale, indicating that they were strong contestants for the upcoming Oscar-Nominations, he didn’t even hesitate. He ran right on stage after Phil’s dance, catching him in a bone-crushing hug. He told Phil what he had heard, tears of happiness in his eyes. Again, there was some sort of silent communication and then Phil was kissing Dan, right in the middle of the dance floor, in front of millions of viewers.

 They didn’t care they all knew - all that mattered was the happiness radiating between them.

[adoptabledogs]

Bardi is re-listed on 12/1/19.

12/1/19: added videos.

11/24/19: added video.

11/19/19: updated in-shelter observations.

11/18/19: added bio.

Bardi

Hello, my name is Bardi. My animal id is #80514. I am a female white dog at the Brooklyn Animal Care Center. The shelter thinks I am about 3 years 2 weeks old.

I came into the shelter as a stray on 11/2/2019.

Sorry, this pet is for new hope partners only.

Bardi was placed at risk due to behavioral concerns; Bardi has been observed to escalate to defensive aggression when approached or attempting to handle her. Bardi warms up readily toward novel handlers but would be best set up to succeed if placed with an experienced rescue partner who can allow her to acclimate and decompress at her own pace, prior to reassessing her behavior in a more stable environment and seeking permanent placement. Bardi is otherwise healthy.

You may know me from such films as...

https://youtu.be/kIA-mmgYUcQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeea0Tx4qbo&feature=youtu.be

https://youtu.be/ag0tOJiaFhk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNby9OvGj2w&fbclid=IwAR2qECfGmRvlIMFg7SC4T7yiQBN1_ydBgbA7kpQIe3FA5UPb113AjeIRpSM

Let's get to know each other a bit more...

A staff member writes : I wanna party with Bardi !!! this cutie pie is just awesome !! Bardi was super shy in the beginning and stood to the back of her kennel . We would go on walks and she would just remain calm and cool walking perfectly on the leash . When she was ready to show me just how amazing she was , she blew me away !! This little lady has great energy!! from wanting to play ball , to dancing with her favorite staff members , to running and jumping as high has she can . She takes treats so so gently and loves to get lots of pets and back scratches. Bardi is just the perfect dog no matter what the vibe is , if its a chill vibe you want she will snuggle right next to you . If it fun vibe you want she is the perfect part animal for you ! so come give this beauty a chance to wow you !!!

My medical notes are...

Weight: 58 lbs

Vet Notes

11/2/2019

[DVM Intake]

DVM Intake Exam

Estimated age:2-3y

Microchip noted on Intake?n

History:DOH

Subjective:bar

Observed Behavior - limited exam, whale-eyed, muzzled and resistant to a lot of handling

Evidence of Cruelty seen -n

Evidence of Trauma seen -n

Objective

T =

P = 120

R = nsf

BCS 4/9

EENT: Eyes clear, ears clean, no nasal or ocular discharge noted

Oral Exam: incomplete assessment, but no overt lesions around mouth

PLN: No enlargements noted

H/L: NSR, NMA, CRT < 2, Lungs clear, eupnic

ABD: Non painful, no masses palpated

U/G: FI - very prominent mg and vulva

MSI: Ambulatory x 4, skin free of parasites, no masses noted, healthy hair coat

CNS: Mentation appropriate - no signs of neurologic abnormalities

Rectal:ne

Wood's Lamp Exam:neg

Assessment: 2-3 yr fi large mixed breed dog

1) apparently healthy

Prognosis:excellent

Plan:

1) ovh and placement

SURGERY:

Okay for surgery

Details on my behavior are...

Behavior Condition: 3. Yellow

Behavior History

Behavior Assessment

Upon intake Bardi was walking around but allowed limited handling. She started to growl and bark hard when the counselor attempted to put a leash on her. Counselor was unable to collar.

Date of Intake: 11/2/2019

Spay/Neuter Status: Unknown

Basic Information:: Bardi was surrendered to BACC as a stray dog. She was found tied to a post.

Previously lived with:: unknown

How is this dog around strangers?: Bardi is shy and allows limited handling around strangers.

Energy level/descriptors:: medium

Behavior Assessment

Date of intake:: 11/2/2019

Spay/Neuter status:: No

Means of surrender (length of time in previous home):: Stray, limited history

Previously lived with:: Unknown

Behavior toward strangers:: Initially growl; Warms up, allows handling

Behavior toward children:: Unknown

Behavior toward dogs:: Unknown

Behavior toward cats:: Unknown

Bite history:: 11/2/19: Finders reported Bardi to have had a recent bite incident with the resident nine month old puppy (King). King was reported to approach Bardi when she entered the home, displaying soft and loose body language and attempting to engage in play. Bardi was observed to growl, bare her teeth and rush forward before biting and holding King's left leg before shaking him. The finders were able to separate the two dogs and surrender Bardi to the care center. This bite incident resulted in three punctures to King's left leg.

Summary:: Leash Walking

Strength and pulling: Mild-no pulling

Reactivity to humans: None

Reactivity to dogs: Focuses on novel dogs encountered during her walks on-leash; Readily refocuses

Leash walking comments:

Sociability

Loose in room (15-20 seconds): Neutral and loose, tail wagging, panting, tense head, ears erect, stays near door, jumps up, whining, vocalizes/hard barks, somewhat distracted; Warms up, approaches readily, accepts treats softly,

Call over: Approaches then moves away, distracted/displacement; Approaches with some coaxing

Sociability comments:

Handling

Soft handling: Neutral-soft, tail neutral, panting, ears back, moves away somewhat, accepts contact, lip licking

Exuberant handling: Neutral-soft, tail neutral, panting, ears erect, accepts contact

Handling comments:

Arousal

Jog: Engages in play with handler, soft and loose, tail high, some huffing

Arousal comments: Some whining prior to start of jog

Knock

Knock Comments: Follows assistant toward door as she exits, panting, whining, sits down near door; No response to knock; Approaches assistant readily, soft and loose, tail wagging, panting, lolling tongue, ears erect

Toy

Toy comments: Minimal interest; Somewhat distracted by assess-a-hand; Grips and relinquishes

Summary:: Bardi was surrendered as a stray so her past behavior with other dogs is unknown.

11/8: Due to Bardi’s DOH status only a gate greet was conducted. She is introduced to a novel male and she greet him with a tense before walking away to seek attention from known handlers.

11/15: Bardi greeted a novel male with a softer posture today. But she kept to herself and ignored the male for the duration of the session. When the male approaches Bardi for a face to face greet, stiffens, but does not escalate. Bardi sought attention from known handlers.

Date of intake:: 11/2/2019

Summary:: Pacing; Allowed limited handling; Growled and hard barked when attempting to place rope on her

Date of initial:: 11/2/2019

Summary:: Whale eyed, resisted handling; Muzzled; Limited handling performed

ENERGY LEVEL:: Bardi has been observed to exhibit a medium level of energy during her interactions in the care center. We cannot be certain of her behavior in a home environment, but we recommend that she be provided daily mental and physical stimulation as an outlet for her energy.

IN SHELTER OBSERVATIONS:: 11/19: Although Bardi is fearful around novel people, she becomes comfortable when offered treats. She enjoys fetch and always returns the ball and drops it. With familiar handlers, she allows petting and sits next to them. She displays a soft, wiggle body and engages in play with them.

BEHAVIOR DETERMINATION:: New Hope Only

Behavior Asilomar: TM - Treatable-Manageable

Recommendations:: No children (under 13),Place with a New Hope partner

Recommendations comments:: No children (under 13): Due to Bardi's observed handling sensitivity, fearful behavior and anxiety, combined with her recent bite history (dog), we feel she would be best set up to succeed in an adult-only home at this time.

Place with a New Hope partner: Although she has shown significant improvement since her admission to the care center, Bardi has been observed to escalate to defensive aggression when approached or attempting to handle her. Bardi warms up readily toward novel handlers, but would be best set up to succeed if placed with an experienced rescue partner who can allow her to acclimate and decompress at her own pace, prior to reassessing her behavior in a more stable environment and seeking permanent placement. Force-free, reward based training only is advised when introducing or exposing Bardi to new and unfamiliar situations, as well as utilizing guidance from a qualified, professional trainer/behaviorist.

Potential challenges: : Handling/touch sensitivity,Fearful/potential for defensive aggression,Anxiety,Bite history (dog)

Potential challenges comments:: Handling sensitivity | Fearful/potential for defensive aggression: Although Bardi displays social behavior, she exhibits initial fearful behavior when introduced or exposed to new situations, where she has been observed to escalate to growling and hard barking when approached or uncomfortable. Bardi has also exhibited similar behavior when attempting to handler her, although settles readily after some time. Bardi has shown significant improvement during her interactions since her admission to the care center, but should never be forced to interact or approach if she is not comfortable. Positive association should be paired with anything Bardi displays fear toward. Please refer to the handout for Decompression period and Handling/touch sensitivity, as well as the handout on Fearful/potential for defensive aggression.

Bite history (dog): Finder reported Bardi to have had a recent bite incident with their resident puppy in the home, resulting in three punctures (SEE BITE HISTORY). Please refer to the handout for Bite history (dog).

Anxiety: Bardi exhibits anxious behavior during her interactions in the care center, where she has been observed to pant, whine and exhibit some displacement behavior. Please refer to the handout for Generalized Anxiety.

[blazerought]

Usually I put my comment at the end of the submission but omg this is long and also really cool and tbh the first one sounds like Azula and I’m always down for badass villain ladies like Azula. Bonus points if Lotor is like my dweeb son Zuko. He doesn’t need the redemption arc just the angst and crazy hair and daddy issues.

SUBMISSION.

A friend and I were chatting nonstop over various video games and shows and Voltron and we came up with a fun idea about the Galra, more specifically about a Galra princess. (It’s not canon, it’s just for fun~)

This could come in a few different flavors:

Version 1: She could be “Daddy’s little villain.”

It’s all in the title–she’s Zarkon’s little girl. She does what Zarkon asks of her (and she never fails to get it done) and in turn, Zarkon rewards her with something (or worse, someone) that she can do as she pleases with.

Not at all interested in taking the throne. She is interested in the Empire’s agenda, however.

Allura’s possible rival when it comes to magic; she’s an extremely powerful sorceress (and pesters Haggar to let her participate in experiments) and is extremely clever with how she uses her powers, having trained with them all her life unlike Allura, who has barely had them for a day and as a result has no practice whatsoever. (Put her and Allura together and you’d get one of the biggest catfights in the universe.)

Haggar: “Princess, please, try not to slaughter them all. We still need them for research.”

Slightly bad temper. Has very little patience for when something needs to be done and people fail to get it done.

Knows how to be terrifying when subtly threatening others.

She’s beautiful, and she knows it.

Has found a new hobby: toying with Allura and the Paladins. She leaves false clues, ambushes and traps everywhere for them.

Really thinks it’s a bad idea to bring Lotor into the mix after S2 finale. Not surprising that so many commanders were flinching when she started screeching about it. (Many have tried–and failed–to appease her anger.)

In general: a sadistic little bitch who can be quite a spoiled brat. She’s a loyal daughter in Zarkon’s eyes, however.

Constantly gave Prorok indigestion when he was still alive.

Version 2: She could be trying to destroy the Empire from the inside.

Unlike her father and Haggar, she actually has a conscious.

More often than not she would sneak into the prisoner cells to accommodate them by bringing in blankets and proper food.

She’s only ever been known by Zarkon and Haggar to be quiet and compliant, rarely asking for anything. Neither of them know that she’s conspiring to overthrow her father.

Absolutely despises the arena, and finds having gladiators fight to the death for entertainment to be barbaric.

Leaks classified information to the BoM on a daily basis. This is how she meets Voltron–she tried to leak the info to BoM but ended up contacting one of the Lions instead. (She was in a bit of a hurry that day.)

Genuinely likes Matt Holt. The guards assumed she just wanted him and gave him away to her. The reality was that she just liked him and looked after him when they plopped him at her feet. She still fusses over him and rarely lets him go anywhere without her in case his leg starts acting up, and has managed to hack into more classified databases and leak information to the BoM with his help. (They’re also those two super judgy friends that mimic each other.)

Has a sense of humor. It’s a little weird, but it’s a sense of humor. Like the space ketchup bomb prank. (She actually freaked out Prorok with that prank once.)

Haggar catches her betraying the Empire. One big, “Oh quiznak.”

Version 3: Yorda

Her name’s not really Yorda; this version just happens to remind me of Yorda from Ico. (Unless you want to call her Yorda, then go ahead.)

Unlike the previous two, this one is not physically strong.

She’s fragile and gets sick easily. Doesn’t help that she’s small compared to everyone else in her species. (She might be taller than Pidge but she’s shorter than Keith.)

She is powerful with magic, but it easily exhausts her. She’ll collapse if she pushes herself for even a few moments.

She’s fast, but she can’t run very far.

Magic is all she’s capable of. She doesn’t know how to fight. Unless you need her to bust open a magically locked door, or do whatever involves magic, she’s just load.

There’s no place in the Empire for the weak, and she wasn’t even strong enough to defend herself in the arena; so despite being the princess and his own daughter, Zarkon had her locked up and she was left to rot.

The only reasons why she managed to survive were because Thace and Ulaz had taken care of her, and Haggar saw something useful in her.

She was never allowed outside of her room, to the point where no one in the Empire knows she exists except the BoM, Haggar and, obviously, Zarkon.

Thace and Ulaz are gone. Who’s going to help her?

One of the new objectives for the BoM now is to get her out of there and hide her in a safe location. The problem? Haggar snatched her up and hid her somewhere, so no one knows where she is.

Then Keith finds her.

On the way out though they get ambushed by Haggar, who tries to manipulate her into staying behind, even offering to let Keith leave them unscathed, only verbally abusing her when she proves difficult to manipulate.

Haggar: “You’re weak. You can’t defend yourself, and you’ll only burden him. He won’t be able to protect you. You won’t survive out there.”

While she unintentionally held him back with her frailty, she did save his life and gave him enough time to get the two of them in an escape pod. Too bad it got blasted by Haggar and crashed onto a faraway planet, leaving them stranded. Safe and sort of out of enemy sight, sure, but stranded nonetheless.

Then there’s the language barrier. She speaks a very old dialect of Galran, and translators in the Castleship and Lions (let’s face it, English is not the universal language for aliens) either can’t recognize it or they’re too far away, so Keith has no way of understanding a word she’s saying, and she can’t understand a word he’s saying.

They manage to communicate with hand gestures and signals.

You have a cute little montage of Keith leading her along by taking her hand and guiding her over natural bridges and canyons, and saving her from Galra sentries. In turn, she does what she can, pointing out something important whenever Keith might not notice and finding really good hiding spots.

Eventually they find a beach with space watermelons and they just chill out while waiting for the Voltron crew to find them. It’s a lot sweeter than what’s being said here. (Two people who don’t know each other become super nice friends and eat space watermelons together how can that not be cute???)

Meanwhile, Kolivan is amazed that Keith found her by sheer accidental luck. “Where did you find her!?”

The BoM want to hide her in a secure location, but she doesn’t want to leave Keith. Seeing as how spend her life alone with only Thace and Ulaz for company, it’s easy to see why.

[ncstings]

#3 a kiss on the forehead: georgia & benjamin

she’d probably never get used to walking down those halls. they’re cold, a bit musty--- frankly they make her feel like she should either be way smarter, or have way more money. but hey, she couldn’t imagine benjamin teaching anywhere else. 

it wasn’t like most times. most time she had the intention of entering his office and having him throw everything off his desk just so he can ravish her in the way she deserves. this time was a bit different. she knew his office hours would be coming to a close soon, but she didn’t mind waiting in the hall until he was done. 

she hears chatter coming from down the hall, only to grow louder until she finally looks up to see two ladies walking together. she clicks off her phone and listens to them.

“he called me girl last week and i nearly passed out.” one of them says. it’s enough to peak georgia’s interest, listening closer. she sees out of the corner of her eyes as they start to slow down. 

“sometimes i don’t even care what he’s saying i just close my eyes and listen.” the other one says.

ah. georgia can’t help but smirk. mostly because yeah, she’s been there too. a lot. she figured she’d be over it by now but sometimes it hits her. sometimes they’ll be laying on the couch or at the dinner table or in the kitchen and he’ll say something and it knocks her out. fully renders her speechless for a few seconds. there’s of course the times she can’t even understand him but even then she still finds it attractive.

“you ever hear him swear?” georgia finds herself speak up. the girls are lingering not far from her, they since stopped walking and seem to be loitering, or waiting for something. she figured, why not. “heard him say ‘fuck’ the other day and i’m pretty sure i lost it.”

the girls look at her, eyes gaping. there were a few moments of silence and she’s not sure if she broke them by them imagining what that might sound like, or they were just weirded out some stranger started talking to them.

one of the girls finally looks away, clicking her tongue. “i knew he was different with the grad students. tyler told me he heard he’s way more chill.”

grad student? georgia looks down at herself. she’s dressed in her pencil skirt, blouse, and long dusty pink coat. her hair’s still a bit wavy from curling it yesterday but she put it in a pony. did she look like a woman of science? god she didn’t think so. to be imagined in a room full of nerds talking about potions or whatever it was he taught.

“yeah,” she nods though. why not roll with it. “still not any easier though.” she shrugs. 

one of the girls sigh, slumping down into one of the chairs. “sucks he’s married.”

uhm. 

georgia inhales a speck of spits and breaks into a fit of coughs, putting a hand over her chest. that definitely wasn’t what she heard. “i’m sorry, what?”

the girl who’s still standing gives her a sympathetic look. “last semester someone saw him wearing a wedding band for a bit.” she fishes out her phone, pulling up a picture to show her. “it was just for a short time but we figured since he’s such an unorthodox guy he just doesn’t wear it sometimes.” she shrugs. “there was also the time he brought up his wife in class.”

georgia looks at the photo. kids were sneaky little shits. sure enough, there was benjamin in front of the whiteboard, sweater on his chest, stubble on his jaw--- looking handsome as per usual, but with a wedding band on his outstretched hand. gold, glimmering in the florescent light.

“well what did he say about this elusive wife?” she leans back from the phone. this answer would be super important.

“clarie, you were there that day, what did he say?” the girl turns to the one in the seat, waiting for a response.

“oh uh, he was talking about some molecular chemical reaction and then he was like ‘my wife told me i sound boring when i bring up this up so i made a fun power point’ and then he showed that presentation where he danced.” she rolls her eyes in a huff. “what i wouldn’t give to be that man’s wife.”

well how about that. first off, nice to know she’s the wife in this situation and not some secret woman. second off, a dance? she would certainly have to inquire about it more. “yeah me too.” she chuckles, though sounds like she might already be halfway there.

“are you here for a meeting with him?” the girl in the chair asks.

“yeah, something like that.” she presses her lips together, hoping the questions don’t get too specific.

the door opens, and a young man walks out, thanking benjamin before he’s soon following behind him, standing in the doorway to the hall. he looks at the sight of the girls first, right in front of him, then turns his head and looks down at her, a bit shocked. “hey,” but there’s a smile on his lips, “i didn’t know you were coming.”

“i wanted to surprise you.” she smiles back. from the corner of her eyes, she sees the two girls glued to the situation in front of them. “i wanted to do something nice.”

his eyebrows raise, looking to the girls for a moment before leaning in a bit, twisting his torso to try and cut them off a bit. “the typical nice or---... something different.”

“different.” she nods, reaching up to put her hand on his chest. “but you should help these girls out first.”

it takes a moment for him to look away from her. maybe not the typical look of undressing her with his eyes but the kind of look when he hasn’t seen her in a while and he’s drinking up every ounce of her. like he forgot. or like his memories didn’t do her justice. or maybe just looking at her overwhelmed him.

“ladies.” he straights his back. “office hours end in just a few minutes i hope you can make it quick.”

“claire has a question about the assignment. we were coming out of another class and figured to just drop by on our way back home.” the one still standing speaks up, and the girl named claire raises from her chair, giving an awkward smile. they’re both looking uncomfortable, to different degrees from the sight they just saw.

“benjie, can you please save these girls and yourself the future trouble and introduce me.” georgia sighs, standing up from her seat.

he clears his throat, entering the hall fully. “is it really that important.” he says quietly, looking down at her.

“they think you’re married, asshole, and they think i’m your grad student.” she glares.

“well now that’s a lie you could have solved yourself.”

“you called me your wife.” she states hastily.

that gets him to shut up. also gets a blush to creep over his face and she knows she caught him red handed. so he clears his throat, and addresses the girls again. “ladies, this is my girlfriend georgia.” his tone was a bit exhausted. “she is not my student she is a very talented wedding planner. i am not married i simply wear the ring sometimes and make those comments when i am uncomfortable.” it was recited like a speech, and he sounded tired by the whole ordeal.

“what do you mean when you’re uncomfortable?” claire speaks up, but they’re still looking at georgia.

“she’s so young.” the other squints.

“i am old at heart.” georgia puts her hand on her chest.

“no you’re not.” benjamin rolls his eyes, and she smirks at him, smacking his hip. he looks back at claire. “sometimes students can be a bit... overzealous towards me. usually they back off if i wear the ring or drop a hint.”

georgia frowns. she knows he’s attractive, but the idea that he’s ever be uncomfortable in his own class space with girls who are a bit too forward, hurts her. she knows the girls in front of her aren’t those types. they are the type to gossip and fantasize, but georgia was like that in college too so who is she to judge?

“oh.” one of them says. 

benjamin reaches up to rub his jaw. “what’s your question claire?”

claire instantly reaches into her shoulder bag to pull out one of her textbooks, and she approaches him to ask her question. georgia’s tuned it out at this point since she’s got no clue what they could be talking about, but she approaches the other. “were you expecting some old hag as his wife?” georgia smiles

“well shit i was hoping.” she smiles back. “thought it’s not a huge surprise. though i would have figured he’d gone with another stem gal.”

georgia hums and nods. “mmm, i think he probably likes having a person with a job he knows nothing about.” she shrugs. “and i know nothing about his.” she pauses for a moment. “hey, do you have a video of that presentation? he was dancing or something?”

“ah,” she nods, getting her phone out again. she makes a few taps and holds it out. sure enough. the video plays. the lights are off and even though there’s light through the windows, it’s pretty dark. there’s club music playing and the screen flashes with some party lights as benjamin starts to dance and jump around, also explaining some sort of reaction she’d never understand. there’s some laughter in the class, most people have their phones up. he doesn't stop. it goes on for longer than she’d ever thought and she’s shocked he can talk and move around like that without sounded completely unintelligible. she can hear herself snickering, and when it ends, she hads the phone back. “well did it work? did you learn it?”

“yeah i guess.” she shrugs. 

“hey.” benjamin taps her forearm. he now, got his coat over his arm and bag over his shoulder. “you ready?”

“you done?”

“it really was a quick question.” he smiles, looking back to the girls. “ladies, i hope you have a lovely evening. please don’t try and let this newfound information run too rampant but i understand i can’t control you.” he smirks. 

georgia waves, her other hand soon taken in his. when they’re a bit away, she turns to look at him. “you just keep a wedding band laying around?”

he shrugs. “it really does get weird sometimes.” 

she pouts, leaning over to kiss behind his ear. “i’ll fight off all the thirsty girls for you.” she brushes back some of his hair.

“that’s very reassuring. don’t think that’s really appropriate though.”

“well, as long as you know it, that’s what’s important.” she shrugs. “saw that video of you dancing.” she says as he pushes the door open for them, leading them to the crisp spring air.

“did you now?” he raises his eyebrow. 

“you don’t have that kind of energy for me.”

“oh i definitely do.” he nods, giving her a tight look. “but you wouldn’t give a shit about molecular redox reactions so i just channel that energy into fucking you.” he shrugs, fishing for his keys. “my car?”

she snorts. “fair point.” she looks around the parking lot. “we’re actually not going far we could just walk.”

“oh?” he says, intrigued. “what do you have played for us this evening, love?”

she grins, nudging him onto the patch of grass until he’s against a tree. “you know you’re still not off the hook for calling me your wife.” she brushes their noses together.

“you want to make me regret it?”

“you gonna keep calling me your wife when people flirt with you?”

“you want that?”

“i don’t mind being called your wife.” she looks over him, her grin fading just the smallest bit. “i know that’s not where we’re at but i don’t mind the sound of it.” she reaches up, her nail tracing his jaw. “and i hate thinking about anyone making you uncomfortable and i want you to know that even if i’m not there physically, i don’t mind you using me to keep yourself safe.” her other hand presses to his chest. “i know i’m batshit but i’ll never be offended or hurt if it’s to keep yourself out a situation you don’t want to be in.”

he looks down at her, finger tucking a fallen strand of hair behind her ear. leaning forward, he presses his lips to her forehead. “you’re my kind of batshit, though.”

she hums. “don’t think you’re not crazy either.” she points a finger to his chest. “that girl said she thought you’d be married to some old science hag and i was being to polite to say you’re much too off your rocker to handle a woman so well put together.”

he laughs, tilting his head back. his eyes crinkle at the corners and she’s sure her heart bursts while she watches. making him laugh like that always put her on some other level. making him laugh felt more powerful than making him hard. 

“you know i think you’re right.” he kisses her forehead again and nudges her off to continue on their walk. “now take me to this mystery place.”

“yes.” she nods, taking hold of his hand again. “away we go.”

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Uyinene’s killer: Post Office knew about him

Security flagged 300 suspect workers, but nothing was done

● Post Office bosses knew for more than a year that Uyinene Mrwetyana’s self-confessed killer was a convicted criminal, but ignored an intelligence report that may have prevented her death if they had acted on it.

The Sunday Times can reveal that the 42year-old man, who is not being named by order of court, was among 300 employees who failed a vetting process last year. Crimes involving the 300 were theft, sexual harassment, domestic violence and assault.

The Post Office sat on the report sent to its head of security in June last year.

The 19-year-old student’s killer was flagged for a car hijacking conviction in 1998, according to the report compiled by the State Security Agency (SSA). He was sentenced to eight years in prison, of which three were suspended.

On Monday, the killer, who was known by those who met him as a “ladies’ man”, confessed to raping and murdering Mrwetyana before dumping her body in Lingelethu West, Cape Town. He faces charges of murder, rape and defeating the ends of justice. It later emerged that he was facing a previous rape charge, but the case was withdrawn.

The murder provoked national outrage and put a new focus on the plight of women.

It has also opened the Post Office to a potential multimillion-rand damages claim.

Mrwetyana’s funeral was held in East London yesterday and among mourners was police minister Bheki Cele.

The murdered woman’s mother, Nomangwane Mrwetyana, said in a message to her daughter: “I’m sorry that I warned you about all other places but not the post office. I’m sorry I was not there to fight for you.”

Communications minister Stella Ndabeni-Abrahams told parliament this week she had asked the Post Office to investigate how Mrwetyana’s murderer had been allowed on site without a security clearance.

According to a memo submitted by the acting CEO to a Post Office board meeting on Thursday, an investigation found that the killer was not screened when he was appointed a part-time teller in 2012. He was not screened when he was permanently appointed in 2015, after an agreement with trade unions that all part-time employees would be given permanent jobs.

The memo noted that when the Post Office began processing social grants last year, a ministerial committee in charge of the process instructed that employees be vetted.

In March last year, the Post Office gathered and submitted names of those who would be part of the payments process. They included staff who would be in contact with money or grant-beneficiary information.

The SSA handed in its report in June last year, but executives were made aware of the killer’s criminal record only this week “when the bona fides of the post office employees became of focus following the Clareinch post office murder incident”.

The Post Office is scrambling to find a plan to deal with the fallout. The CEO will appoint lawyers in anticipation of a lawsuit from Mrwetyana’s family and the public. The EFF said it has briefed counsel to sue the Post Office and Ndabeni-Abrahams.

According to the Post Office’s own records, the utility has public liability cover of up to R500m, but the board was told the insurer might not pay if the management was negligent. The board was told the Post Office had increased security and reviewed its recruitment policy. It will act against offenders flagged by the SSA now.

A spokesperson for Ndabeni-Abrahams, Nthabeleng Mokitimi-Dlamini, said the minister was studying the SSA report and had called for action to be taken against officials who failed to act on it. She said the minister had advised the Post Office management that all flagged officials be suspended.

Several sources told the Sunday Times that when they heard a post office clerk had confessed to the murder, they “knew it must be him”.

The man’s former girlfriend, a nurse, reported him to police in 2014 for sexual harassment. She was admitted to hospital for psychiatric care this week. She said she had not withdrawn the charge and that “detectives are involved”.

In June, the man shocked a former colleague with a Facebook message in which he commented on her teenage niece’s profile. “He asked, ‘who is this beautiful woman,

I am looking for a girlfriend’. I said, ‘what do you mean? This is my 15-year-old niece, where is your wife?’ He said his wife had dumped him,” said the woman.

“After his arrest, this conversation filled my mind. How can a 42-year-old ask about a 15-year-old girl? This is a child. She could have easily been one of his victims.”

The woman said the murder suspect was quiet but odd. “He only spoke about the Bible and the environment. He analysed the galaxy. He spoke about odd stuff,” she said.

“He always had a Bible with him. He did not sit with other people during lunch. And when he had his coffee, he would also have a cup of hot water. He said it was to wash out caffeine from his body.” She said the man was a devout Jehovah’s Witness.

A male ex-colleague said: “He is a staunch Christian but he has a very dark side — I can’t put this crime past him at all. He got angry at the slightest provocation. For instance, he would be late for work after lunch and if you pointed that out, he would fume.

“I sometimes thought he would kill me, the way he got infuriated. But he would return to his normal self within no time.”

The former colleague said the killer was not interested in contemporary issues. “He didn’t make jokes about people, he always spoke about the Bible, the environment and the galaxy. He basically lived among the stars.

“That is what fascinated him. You would never hear him talking about the ordinary stuff and day-to-day events and experiences. He only spoke about church events.”

He said he remembered his former colleague telling him about his 2014 sexual harassment case. “There is no way [the woman involved] could not be traumatised. He is relentless. I wasn’t surprised when I was told that he was linked to this [murder]. When I heard someone working at the post office had been arrested, I said that must be him.

“He is so, so obsessed with beautiful women. I remember asking him, ‘why are you always targeting these pretty women, what about overweight ladies?’ He said, ‘what will I do with an ugly woman?’ That lady [Mrwetyana] fitted his template.”

Customers at the Clareinch, Cape Town, post office, where the man worked and where Mrwetyana was bludgeoned to death with a parcel scale, likened him to Ted Bundy, a good-looking and charming American who turned out to be a rapist and killer.

His interactions often included inappropriate flirtations and what one woman called “a forced rapport”. Another said: “He made me feel uncomfortable but it was hard to explain to myself why.”

A woman who runs a business in Claremont and makes daily visits to the post office said the man was “charming and delightful”, adding: “He picked up straightaway on my rapport with the other staff and then worked it. Often the card machine wasn’t working and he’d offer to put in the money for me.”

One day he asked if she lived close by. “That is really creepy, since he was standing there holding my parcel with my return address right there on it.”

When he wanted to visit her after work on a Saturday, she rebuffed him, but he insisted on giving her his phone number and offering “special favours”.

She “pegged him as a flirty guy” and left it at that. “But when his name came out after this horrific attack, my blood ran cold. I immediately knew it was him.”

Alice Cropper, another resident, described on Facebook this week how the clerk attempted to lure her back to the post office.

After the news about his arrest emerged, “I checked my till receipt still on my desk, and felt chills when I realised it was this same person who served me days before”.

A domestic worker in the Claremont area said the man made her feel uncomfortable. “I would always go to the post office at monthend. Sometimes I had leave-in conditioner in my hair. He would then say, ‘hmm, you smell so good!’ and he often asked me for my ID for transactions that didn’t need that.

“He once asked me how I enjoyed living in Khayelitsha, where he stays too. I don’t think he knew my address and I had not given it to him, but I did wonder why he knew I lived there.”

Video footage seen by the Sunday Times shows a Khayelitsha mother with a loudhailer telling a crowd how her teenage daughter, who attends Livingstone High School across the road from the post office, used to catch the same bus as the clerk.

“My child was supposed to be this man’s next victim. [In May], he gave her an envelope and asked to take it to the post office after 3pm.”

Because her daughter didn’t feel safe, she took a friend with her and eventually they left the envelope at the police station.

Former Post Office CEO Mark Barnes said he was no longer involved and would not comment on whether he knew of the report from the SSA.

SSA spokesperson Mava Scott said that from time to time, the agency vetted state employees and it submitted the reports to the various departments for their attention. “We can confirm that the [Post Office] is one of the clients that we have serviced over the last 12 months,” he said.

The Post Office said the board would not comment further.

https://www.pressreader.com/

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