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#visibly he looks like he's in his 80s at this point id say
somewherebetweenrage · 11 months
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plotted starter for whichever one of Erik's family members wants to pick up the conversation and explain that this idiot fell asleep and let his tea go cold @wcrriorhearts / @mxndwitch / @survivcrsguilt
Erik Lehnsherr does not get sick. It’s a statement of fact, an acknowledgement of the way the world is; the mutant has had injuries aplenty, but he could count on one hand the number of times he has been genuinely ill. Meaning that, when his heart starts to fail, he is quick to notice.
It’s to be expected really, at his age. Auburn hair has long since greyed, and the strands around his temples are most definitely heading for white. Muscles and joints are not what they once were, and on bad days it can be painful to work with his hands; his days of sewing are long gone. His limp is more pronounced now than it ever was, and he frequently relies on the manipulation of magnetic fields to move about the island with any kind of ease. Erik has reached an age that, to most, would be entirely unthinkable. He knows the time he has left is short.
And still, he goes on. The mutant is not afraid of dying – hasn’t been afraid of that since the age of sixteen – but dying means leaving his family, his loved ones, and he will take every moment with them that the universe will allow. He will wring as much time from this life as he can, will hold on with everything available to him, until he is forced to let go. In the meantime, he is determined that his family will have no cause to worry, or to fear. And if his heart needs a little encouragement from his mutation every so often, then what of it? Nobody needs to know.
The unexpected wetness on the back of his hand jolts Erik awake, confused gaze taking a moment to focus on the world around him. He’s at home, in his favourite armchair, and Persephone is sitting at his feet, licking his hand in a way that means she’s hoping for either food or a scratch behind the ears. The mutant blinks a couple of times. Did he fall asleep in the armchair again? How embarrassing. A quick glance towards the familiar voices he can hear in the kitchen. Hopefully they didn’t notice his little nap.
Calloused fingers receive another lick, and with a small smile Erik obliges the request, lifting his hand to rest it on top of Persephone’s head, gently scratching his thumb behind one of her ears. His other hand reaches out to retrieve his cup of black tea from the nearby table, but instead grasps only air – it takes a couple of attempts before he realises the mug is no longer there. Forehead furrows. “Did someone take my tea?”
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beansprean · 3 months
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introducing Katya Zamolodchikova as Nancy the Relentless!!! a concept @vampireshmampire and i braindumped about like a year ago lmao. far before the rumors about Trixie Mattel being in s6 came out owo!
My Familiar’s Ghost part 80
Masterpost Masterpost 2
See the latest pages on Patreon!
(ID in alt and under cut)
ID: 1a. Small panel, waist up of Nandor and Guillermo on a vague grayish-blue background. Nandor has one hand on his hip and the other pointing upwards as he leans toward Guillermo sternly and says 'Now I will show you how to call long distance.' Guillermo looks up at him, rubbing his arm awkwardly, still flushed from the previous page, and responds 'Ok...' 1b. Chest up of Nandor on a brighter blue background with his eyes closed in concentration, palms held up and out. He clears his throat and says, in a wispy bright blue speech bubble, 'I, Nandor the Relentless, am calling out to the etherrrr to inquire about available familiarsssss...' 1c. Shoulders up of Nandor and Guillermo lurching to one side in shock, Nandor's hands flying up, shoulder crashing into Guillermo's, as a glowing blue bubble suddenly shoves into their panel. Inside the bubble is a thin white vampire in drag with long white-blonde hair styled half up in a high ponytail by a sparkly red scrunchie. She is wearing a thin red dress with a black leather corset, a red-violet leopard fur capelet with gold coins dangling from the hem, a red jabot at her neck with a bat shaped gold brooch decorated with rubies, and shoulder length red gloves with ruby-encrusted gold caps shaped like claws on each finger. She lurches into frame with a huge, devious grin, shouting, 'Nandor, babygirl! Is that you?!' 1d. Repeat of Nandor and Guillermo standing side by side, Guillermo now having moved to stand slightly behind. Nandor slumps and scowls, already looking exhausted by this encounter, and greets poisonously 'Hello, Nancy the Relentless.' Guillermo frowns up at Nancy but stays quiet. From offscreen, Nancy coos, 'Heyy, mama! Still shopping in Turkish Cryptkeeper Kohls? I love that for you.' Nandor replies, irritated, 'This kaftan is not coal, it is made of wool from the sheeps of Al Q-' Nancy interrupts and asks, 'So, you're looking for a familiar?'
2a. Waist up of Nancy in her ether bubble, right arm crossed over her chest to rest on her left bicep, left hand reaching up to tap a jaunty claw on her cheek. She raises a brow and grins, tongue curling around one fang, and asks teasingly, 'Does that mean your scrumptious little slayer-boy is finally availableeee? 2b. Chest up of Nandor and Guillermo side by side. Glare fixed on Nancy, Nandor throws an arm out in front of Guillermo and shouts, 'No!! I have told you before, he is mine!' Guillermo startles, a green glow beginning to creep up behind him as goosebumps skitter up and down his shoulders. Nancy replies to Nandor, 'And your title is mine, Nandor the Plagiarist!' Nandor snaps back, 'I have been called Relentless since before you were born, Nancy the- the Pretender!' 2c. Repeat. Guillermo blushes and looks away, lips pursing as if attempting to whistle nonchalantly as his hand reaches up to grip the arm Nandor is holding in front of him and move it away from his body. Nandor's eyes flit over to him curiously, color rising to his cheeks. Nancy continues, 'Ooh, baby, you know how I feel about older men yelling at me. You should call more often.' 2d. Close up of Nandor in profile in the foreground, Nancy's bubble beyond. He glares at her and asks sharply, 'Do you know of any familiars looking for work or not?' Nancy, full body visible now as she perches on the edge of a table and leans back on one arm, legs crossed at the knee to reveal the high slit in her dress, fishnets, and thigh high black leather boots. She closes her eyes haughtily and stretches her free arm outward in a clearly rehearsed pose, replying, 'Well, gorgeous, effortless, beloved vampires usually receive applications directly...' 2e. Repeat. Nandor arches his eyebrows and turns his head away from Nancy toward the viewer, muttering, 'Then you must alert me if you find such a vampire.' Nancy wheezes with shocked laughter, kicking her legs wildly and flapping her arms, delighted rather than offended by the dig. Through her laughs, she declares, 'Read!!' 2f. Chest up of Nandor and Guillermo, the latter standing just behind and gripping the edge of Nandor's sleeve. Offscreen, Nancy recovers from her fit and says, 'Well, since I'm nice, I'll forward you a few. But- hello! Is that the slayer behind you? Did you turn him?! You bitch!! Guillermo, call m-!' Nandor scowls and interrupts, saying quickly, 'YesthankyouNancygoodbye.' He then flaps his hand in the air, dispersing Nancy's bubble and ending the call. Behind him, Guillermo frowns, flustered and blushing. 2g. Repeat. Nandor lowers his hand and glares where Nancy once appeared, sneering, 'Yeesh, why could you not have slain her?' Guillermo aims an unimpressed glance toward him, still purple in the cheeks. /end ID
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someone-always-cares · 6 months
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chapter 5, page 73
first - previous - next
[image description: an sac webcomic page. "aw, don't give me that look, it;s just a job. sure it's unethical, but do you have any idea how expensive london is? honestly taking the piss." schmidt says, getting out of her chair. "and hey, even if he changes his mind, i have a few loyal clients in mind" lewis sits there mostly off screen only visible by his arm on the side of the panel, the panels moving up towards his face as schmidt walks closer. "but honestly, after all this?" they say moving towards him, wide eyes and smiling with what looks like excitement. "seeing hope and blood alike drain from your eyes?" she says, close enough that she can gently brush aside a lock of lewis's hair away from his crying face. "i won't need any payment for that" the last panel, largest but behind the previous and around two, focuses on a close up of the hanging light bulb, now off and dark. end id]
lights out! but is it literally the light bulb or a fade to black? find out next week
book update: progress on readying chapter 2's pages for print is going well! almost done. still havent decided what to do for a book cover though but thats a me problem. this is your reminder that if you make comics and at any point even consider printing them: make sure your pages are the right size! even if you think "oh yeah i made sure they are": check again. also save and back up your works! thats a good tip for everyone. i'm 80% sure ive said that before but i'll do it again!
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writer-monster · 3 years
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11 reasons why cap 4 should reintroduce Bucky Barnes as the love interest, an essay
to start this off, i am not writing this essay from a shipping place nor do i believe that this would have any influence at all over the upcoming movie. i expect nothing. this is simply something that i would personally like to see. (of course no hate to anybody who thinks differently)
here are 11 reasons why i think making Bucky into Sam Wilson's love interest in Cap 4 would be a good move for Disney.
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1. on the Chinese film market - and why it's an irrelevant argument against the inclusion of homosexual themes in Cap 4
the Chinese film market is something that has been blamed for a lack of diversity in Hollywood films a lot lately. many people claim that this market with a lot of buying power has been responsible for the lack of gay and black representation in particular within Hollywood films.
and we have certainly seen Hollywood treating it as such, going so far as to cut gay scenes from movies for their Chinese releases, and vastly minimising John Boyega's (a black actor's) presence in the Chinese poster of Star Wars The Force Awakens.
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[image ID: on the left is an image of the American poster for Star Wars The Force Awakens, featuring John Boyega prominently on the right-hand side. And on the right is the Chinese poster for the same movie, in which John Boyega is barely visible.]
so we know at the very least that Disney believes this through their own actions and efforts to self-censor for the different markets.
but Captain America 4 is a black-led movie, don't you forget. and Disney can't minimise Sam Wilson/Anthony Mackie in the movie or the poster because it's his movie and his poster. and no amount of creativity in the editing room can change that (thank God!).
so if by their own argument the film is already going to be either banned, panned or slammed in China... then what do they have to fear from making it a gay movie too?
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2. oh, the queerbaiting
queerbaiting is an unusual cultural idea. and sometimes i find myself thinking that the term is far too easily used, but then all of a sudden i will stumble upon a movie or show that is so quintessentially cruel and overt in it's... well... queerbaiting that i will start to wonder what the hell kind of a bizarre relationship all these straight people seem to have with their friends. take Troy and Abed from Community or John and Sherlock from Sherlock as the perfect examples of this. (in which my reaction to the show's creators saying the show wasn't gay was to ask so then why did you make it so gay?!)
i felt that Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes in tfatws were getting quite close to this level of queerbaiting.
there was the field scene, the couple's counselling scene, the boat scene, the couple's counselling scene, Bucky going with Sam to face Karli when she told Sam to come alone, the couple's counselling scene, ALL the staring scenes, Sam checking out Bucky's ass here as they said goodbye, the "i would move in with him but" hidden scene, "Uncle Bucky" showing up at the cookout scene, the romantic walking off together into the sunset together ending scene, and the couple's counselling scene. did i forget anything? but i mean seriously, the couple's counselling scene!!! that thing they did with their legs and their crotches while staring deep into each other's eyes, would any straight guy willingly do that? do straight guys crotch-snuggle now?
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[image ID: an image of Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes during the therapy scene with the quote, "Isn't anybody going to drag me into impromptu couple's therapy and slot my legs firmly between theirs before staring deeply into my eyes?"]
(yeah i stole this image from a buzzfeed article on the fan reactions to the couple's therapy scene. but given that they stole 80% of the content of that article from fandom tumblr, i think it's pretty even-steven.)
there's also the fact that people started talking about bisexual Bucky Barnes a lot after the tiger pictures line, and the lead writer Malcom Spellman responded to the talk of Bucky's bisexuality with "just keep watching". well we watched, Malcolm. but it's beginning to feel like you were just jerking us around.
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3. the writing
seriously though, what else is Bucky Barnes doing right now in the MCU? his only remaining connection to anything going on right now is through Sam. there is literally nothing else established that's left for him to do that doesn't involve Sam. he moved to Louisiana to be closer to Sam (canonically), he hangs out with Sam's family (canonically), and Steve is presumably gone and is definitely not coming back for more adventures.
he has no villains or loose ends left. he has no other superheroes that he appears to be in contact with. he has no girlfriend or potential love interest, or even other friends or family. he is living in a tent that he has secretly set up in Sam's backyard and is mysteriously appearing from the bushes when it's time for dinner like a stray cat.
in my opinion there is no other meaningful and pre-established progression for Bucky's character that wouldn't just feel cheap.
plus, i don't think the general audience would be all that surprised if they kissed. i think a LOT of people picked up on all that tension. i think a lot of straight people picked up on all that tension too.
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4. the chemistry between the actors & the chemistry between the characters
the original pitch for tfatws was essentially just this, it was the chemistry between Sebastian Stan and Anthony Mackie and their respective MCU characters of Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson.
now obviously Anthony and Sebastian are simply friends, and i wouldn't mean to imply anything more. but they are also not their characters.
Sam and Bucky's scenes together before tfatws were both limited and short, and yet audiences still fell in love with the dynamic between the two characters.
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in interviews, these two actors are constantly slipping into character and flirting with each other and frankly it's adorable. plus it's really entertaining. i'd love to see that dynamic, unfiltered, in a movie.
because believe it or not the flirting is actually even more open in their interviews than it was in tfatws. and i'm leaving some links as proof.
this here is known as the "married" compilation
and here's a "lucky dip" selection of interviews - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
and here's Anthony trying to get Seb to take his jacket off.
i'm just saying, why not let their chemistry shine? these two are so talented and so entertaining, especially when you put them in a room together. and can you imagine how absolutely hilarious and brilliant it would be to watch them navigate being a couple?
(and for those who bring up the "friends would be uncomfortable pretending to be dating" argument, i'm not here asking for a sex scene or anything. i don't think anyone would expect them to show any more intimacy (physical or emotional) while playing a couple than what they've already shown together in say... tfatws or in their own interviews. not that i actually expect anything regardless.)
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5. if they were a man and a woman they would've gotten together in tfatws
i have no more to add here. just that... yeah, they would've.
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6. and i'm not talking about the comics here, i'm talking about the MCU.
i understand fully that none of what i'm saying here falls in line with these characters from the comics. but the mcu itself doesn't fall much in line with the comics either, and these two characters especially are very different from their comics counterparts.
i'm not asking for these two to get together in the comics. tbh i don't think that it would work.
but the mcu Sam and Bucky are different and closer than their comics counterparts. they've got different histories, different backstories, and a very different dynamic. please rest assured that i am only talking about them in the mcu.
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7. Bucky Barnes is believably bisexual. and Sam Wilson has never been proven to be straight in the mcu, nor has he had a love interest.
(now please continue to keep in mind that these points only stand for the mcu versions of Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson, and not at all for their comics counterparts.)
Sam Wilson has never had a love interest, which is crazy because have you seen that man! he has had two blink and you'll miss it moments of verbal expression of attraction to women, both in TWS. and that's the extent of it, through his entire history in the mcu.
Bucky Barnes has had a number of surface-level female love interests, but none of them even came close to the level of connection and chemistry that Bucky shares with Sam.
and i'm sorry SarahBucky fans, but i just don't think there's very much to their relationship either. i love Sarah, i really do. but it's Sam who shares all the meaningful moments and history and chemistry with Bucky. and i don't see what making her into a love interest would do for Sarah's character either, what would that add to her story?
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[Picture ID: Bucky at the cookout with Sam, Sarah, Cass and AJ. Bucky and Sam are looking at each other and smiling.]
and also there is the whole tiger pictures thing... again. which does strongly suggest that Bucky is bisexual whether this was intentional on behalf of the writers or not.
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8. it's representation... AND it feels natural
marvel hasn't had a lot of queer representation that's been noticeably present in the MCU at the time of writing this.
there have been a lot of failures so far, from the bisexual erasure of Valkyrie in Thor Ragnarok to the wlw erasure in Black Panther.
there was queerbaiting almost identical to the bisexual Bucky baiting for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2. when asked if he had considered featuring a gay hero in gotg2, director James Gunn stated that "We might have already done that. I say, watch the movie." after the movie's release audiences were understandably confused about the lack of queer representation. To which the director followed up his comments with, "But we don't really know who's gay and who's not. It could be any of them."
there is also Loki, considered by most fans after the airing of his six episode series on Disney+ to be both a poor attempt at both genderfluid representation and bisexual representation. with both attempts being summed up fairly well by the term "blink-and-you'll-miss-it". (also it's just terribly written and Loki doesn't wear any interesting clothes! fanficcers are a Goddamn blessing in this hard time!)
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and let us not forget that Andrew Garfield was apparently FIRED for pushing for a bisexual spiderman. a bisexual spiderman within an interracial mlm relationship no less.
so for all these failures, marvel, why not allow us queer fans this? two brilliant and heroic men in a loving interracial relationship. two heroes that we can look up to.
now, one of the biggest detractions from the argument for representation is the idea of "forced diversity". and some poorly written characters certainly do end up feeling forced into the narrative. take Iceman in the comics for example, with Jean Grey just straight up suddenly telling him he's gay. like, marvel, sweetie, that's not how this works! and i don't know a lot of queer people who thought much of that "representation".
but the crux of the "forced diversity" argument is almost always that it feels unnatural within the story, right? and i don't think that anyone could say that about MCU Sam and Bucky ending up together, given these characters' existing chemistry and their history. they've both played characters in gay relationships before so we know that it's not outside of either actor's wheelhouse. and y'all know that Anthony and Seb can act, people. if it's in the script i believe that they'll make it seem like the most natural thing on earth.
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9. it'd be a nice change
there's been an ongoing meme lately about "Disney's first gay character", the joke being that they continually announce gay characters without really ever including gay characters in their films.
this is to the point where Disney has formed a reputation amongst queer audiences of being homophobic.
if Sam and Bucky were to become a couple, then Disney could have its first actual gay character within a gay relationship. AND have him be in the lead of his own movie, no less.
it's also worth keeping in mind that there's likely an overlap between the people who were outraged by a Sam Wilson Captain America, and the people who'd be outraged by a gay Captain America. and if they were already not seeing the film, then i don't think much is gonna change that.
queer audiences would definitely love it, and the media attention would be guaranteed to be huge. i mean, simply look at the amount of media attention mere rumours of a character's queerness gets you and multiply that by a canon confirmation of said rumours.
but i'm pretty sure that Disney already knows this.
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10. and yet, in truth, it's not about the representation
in truth i've never felt that i had any trouble relating to characters of any sexual orientation, race, gender, sex, body type, etc. (although that is not to throw any shade at all on people who do wish to see themselves represented) but for me, i think it's more about the story than the packaging.
and yet, a love story is still just a story. straight or queer, monoethnic or interracial. when two characters have chemistry and history and have sacrificed for each other time and time again, and they also can't keep their hands or their eyes off each other, then i'm pretty sure that that's a love story.
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straight or queer, monoethnic or interracial, it shouldn't be about these simple labels. it should be about how well written the relationship is. it should be about chemistry, and history, and sacrifice.
because i'm fucking sick of all the hollow, forced romances in media no matter the genders of the participants. i'm sick of lazily written, shallow relationships where any two people sharing the same space for any extended period of time will simply fall in love. it's boring, it's repetitive, and as a writer myself it drives me up the wall!
romance stories suck! and everyone knows that romance stories suck. between twilight, and most of the entire YA genre, and love triangles (so boring), and romance used as poorly-written throwaway subplots in Hollywood movies, the world is in agreement that the romance in western media is simply dreadful. and yet we still want love stories. it's an entire genre that sits at the heart of the human experience (<3), and yet one which so few of today's best known writers seem truly able to capture.
i don't think that i'm the only one who feels this way, either. i suspect it's actually a large part of why fandom is so romance-centred in the first place, that we're all just starving for a good love story.
(btw i think fandom has a reputation for being something that as a whole that it is not. it has this reputation for straight up demanding things and harassing people until they get their way. while unfortunately there are a few people who do this, they're fucking annoying and i swear that they're far from the majority.
in my experience fandom is mostly about writing a five thousand word story at three am while drunk off your ass because it might make someone whom you've never met smile, editing it in the cold light of day, and then posting it. expecting nothing. sometimes getting nothing. and sometimes getting someone send you kudos or a comment so heartbreakingly wonderful that it makes you smile in return.)
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11. so once again, it is all about the writing.
i want to see Sam and Bucky get together in the mcu, not because they would be a gay couple but because i genuinely believe that their story has potential to be an amazing love story.
and i know the mcu isn't about the romance. it's why in my personal opinion we haven't gotten a lot of good canon romances besides Peter Quill and Gamora. and i don't think that the mcu should be all about the romance either. i fucking love the action and the fighting scenes. i love the comedy. Captain America: The Winter Soldier had no romance and it was a fucking treasure, it was an amazing spy-action-thriller and it made my little gay heart dance. Thor Ragnarok had no romance, and it was an utterly brilliant comedic spectacle action film. not every movie needs romance.
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but mcu Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes were doing couple's therapy and fixing a boat and walking off into the sunset together in tfatws. they were inseparable on the battlefield. they've got a dynamic. it's beautiful, it's romantic, and it's gold.
a budding relationship between them in the next movie would be a good way to explore both characters more without the narrative feeling too stilted and separate. at the end of tfatws, both Sam and Bucky fans found that their respective fave felt somewhat underutilised and that their characters were underexplored.
now, that problem would be even more difficult to remedy in a movie, because the plotline of a movie needs to be really tight to work (giggity). and we know that the central conflict of the movie is gonna be action-based (which is good), but we still need each character's personal journey and growth to tie into the main conflict. (which is another issue that some fans found with tfatws, that these characters didn't really feel connected to the action-based plot on a more personal level.)
if Sam and Bucky are already in a relationship, however, this whole dynamic changes. first, their relationship has already been set up for nicely since TWS and through tfatws and they would officially be the best-fleshed-out couple in the mcu. but most importantly, a relationship gives them a perfect vehicle to explore both of their pasts comparatively and connect them personally to the action-based plot.
do you want to establish that Sam is a little too trusting and naïve? then establish this through his relationship with Bucky, and through showing his placing his trust in Bucky. (rather than through having him sympathise with a villain who threatened to murder his sister and his nephews).
perhaps you want to show Bucky recovering from his trauma? show us how comfortable he is with Sam. they get along, they're enjoying each other's presence, we see more of Sam's life and of his family, and then let Bucky tell Sam something that's raw and dark and honest about his life as The Winter Soldier. something about a memory, one that he only just recalled. he's opening up. and maybe what he tells Sam is even something that sets up the future action-based conflict, to ground that in something real.
you want to explore that Sam has trauma too? do this through Bucky. he tells Bucky a story about his time in the military. in the form of a flashback, he shares his own story of loss to evoke before the audience the shared theme of feeling at fault even when you're simply a helpless bystander to an act of pure destruction.
then, action sequence! and it's directly connected to Bucky's time as the Winter Soldier. explore the grief of someone whose life the Winter Soldier tore apart manifesting into a villain perpetuating the cycle of pain. establish your villain.
Later, Sam is dragged into battle against this villain for protecting Bucky. But Bucky doesn't want Sam to protect him. He feels guilt for what he can't control and he doesn't want Sam getting hurt because of him. Bucky reminds Sam that he has a family, one who needs him and who loves him. He tells him to go home.
Sam reminds Bucky that he's a part of that family. And that sure Sam's a hero and his job is to protect anyone and everyone, but that he's doing it because he wants to. It's not simply to prove that he can, or to prove that he's not a bystander (this connects to Sam's trauma here), but that he's doing it to help people.
and this gets Bucky thinking about who he is and what he's doing here. is he a hero who stands by Sam's side? or is he an ordinary man who stands aside? or perhaps, does he stand alone? what does he stand for? Maybe Sam knows. But does Bucky?
Sam and Bucky fight off the villain again, and for the first time Bucky meets this adversary face to face. And Bucky recognises this villain, and has a flashback to the genuine pain that he inflicted upon them in the form of the Winter Soldier. Bucky freezes mid-fight, he almost dies, and Sam has to save him.
Sam chews Bucky out for almost getting killed because he was afraid for him. but Bucky takes this the wrong way and goes off to fight the villain alone, or perhaps to die alone, he's not quite sure.
He puts up a half-hearted fight. He apologises for what the Winter Soldier has done, and he waits for the killing blow, when Sam swoops down and he saves him. He asks Sam why he saved him and Sam calls him a moron. And then, Sam asks him what sacrificing himself would solve. He tells him that you can't choose your past but you can choose your future (connecting to his own experience of loss and guilt and grief). And that no matter what Bucky Barnes still has a future, whether that's as the Winter Soldier or the White Wolf or just some dork with a day job. And that he has a future as a part of Sam's family too.
Sam fights the villain, and it's toe to toe. He delivers a few good blows, but receives a fair few himself. And then the villain tears off his wings, first one and then the other, in a manner reminiscent of what the Winter Soldier did to him in TWS. Through Bucky's eyes there's a flashback to highlight the parallels. Sam gets back on his feet and he fights his best fight, but is now losing.
And then the heavily injured Bucky steps up and fights by Sam's side, and only together do they take down the villain.
"So... I inspired you, huh?" Sam teases with a smile, utterly exhausted. "With my heroism and-"
"You inspired me." Bucky said, equally exhausted. "Let's leave it at that."
Together, Sam and Bucky go back to the safety and warmth of their family. Sam fixes his wings. Sam goes back to being Captain America. And Bucky... he's around, but it's unclear what he's doing.
That is, until the very end. When Sam is in a fight, and suddenly Bucky shows up and helps him out.
"What are you doing here?" Sam asks.
"I've made up my mind." Bucky says. "I'm the Winter Soldier. But now I'll save lives, Sam. Now, like you, I'll be a hero."
Sam smirks. "So does this make you my sidekick, then?"
Bucky smiles. "C'mon, at least make me a partner." He says.
"How about co-workers." Sam says (in flashback, he remembers back to the death of his last on-the-job partner).
"How about friends." Bucky says, with a wry look.
"Bucky... I don't want to see you put your dumbass self in danger." Sam says.
"Oh, and it's ok for you to go running off into danger on your own all the time?" Bucky asks.
"Yes." Sam says stubbornly. "Absolutely it is."
"Why?"
"Because I'm not a dumbass?!"
"Sam, if you think I'm not gonna be watching your back for the rest of time... then you're the biggest dumbass I know. And I don't care if you need me or not, I will be there for you."
"Because Sam, you're more than Captain America. You're more than a good soldier. You're a good man. And I think sometimes, the world forgets what the difference is."
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...or something like that.
(i only spent like 15 minutes on that. you know if i were actually writing this movie i would come up with something much better. and if anyone from marvel is seeing this, yes i can come work for you. i will make the time, let's do this thing right!)
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finale
at the end of the day, whether or not the mcu chooses to make Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes a couple, it's their decision. and they don't owe me anything.
i'm just some random person on the internet. who thinks that Captain America 4 should #givecaptainamericaaboyfriend
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alfredosauce50 · 4 years
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What makes me human [Cyberpunk! America x reader 07]
Wordcount: 3,220 Rating: T for strong language and mild violence
“You're saying that as if I'm in love with you. Don't get ahead of yourself, big guy. We're barely friends!”
Chapter Synopsis: Alfred takes you out for a trip to a konbini, but the fun only lasts so long when mysterious masked men approach you both. Allen, on the other hand, is so shaken by what he’s seen, he starts to doubt his loyalty to his boss--your father.
The reader is referred to as she/her.
It wasn't supposed to end like this. As your captor, you never imagined feeling anything other than contempt, if not, indifference. But the sob stories worked better than he thought. Rather than hatred, you felt a newfound sense of respect for him. Maybe even a dash of admiration. So while you lay there in his arms, listening to him ramble about a nearly cracking his head open after a cliff-dive gone wrong, you came to terms with the tightness in your chest.
It hurt your pride to realize how quickly your anger was soothed. So you couldn't help beating yourself up for it. Alfred didn't take long to notice.
“Hey, you okay?” His murmurs were quiet, but you tensed up nevertheless.
You hoped he didn't see right through you.
“You didn't eat anything earlier cuz' you were mad at me. Figured you'd be super hungry by now.” Rolling away to sit up, he held out a hand for you to take. You reached out to it slowly. Glancing up to his face, you visibly relaxed when you saw that he was smiling. Alfred pulled you up. He too, felt the relief of resolution.
This was the first time you'd seen him so happy, and you had to admit it was nice.
“There's a FamilyMart a few blocks down. Whatever you're craving, they'll have it.” With that said, he led you out of the room. Making your way through the dim halls, you squeezed his hand and stuck closer to him when passing by strangers. Women in skimpy clothing, smokers, drinkers, and mercs that looked like they could take your head off. Then came the stench of cannabis, burning reek of alcohol, and sour funk of vomit—this place was something else. Alfred stole a glance from you. He grinned. “You scared?”
“What does it look like?” You whispered, walking into an elevator. It was already jam-packed. He instinctively moved your back to the wall, and loomed his figure over you.
“Better?”
“Better.” You let your arms rest at your sides. While he lowered his head, you hung yours to avoid staring at him. Alfred’s gaze was burning holes into you at his point. He seemed to know a lot of things, but shame was not one of them.
Outside the no-tell motel, the rest of the city could be seen in all its hideous and beautiful glory. Here, at a distance, you couldn’t look close enough for its flaws. Instead, you were entranced by the gentle glow of skyscrapers, blinking lights, and soft pulses of color. It was just you, Alfred, and the twenty-four-hour convenience store you wouldn’t have to spend a cent in. I’m not trying to be nice, or anything. He’d said by the cashier. I’m just cautious.
He was the one with cash, after all.
Taking a seat on the curb, he screwed open a bottle of coke before taking a few gulps.
“Back in my day, this store only existed in Japan and some other Asian countries. I'm glad they built a couple of stores in the States,” The other began, to where you responded with an amused look. “Beats seven-eleven by a landslide.”
“Back in my day. You talk like an old man.”
You took another bite of your egg sandwich as he scrunched his face up in displeasure. “But I guess that’s what you are.”
He begged to differ. Reaching out to your cheek to give that a pinch, you let out a muffled yelp.
“Just cuz’ I'm 73 doesn't mean I get senior discounts. I've got the body, mind, soul, and ID of a 23-year-old. So I’m not an old man, alright?”
“73 huh? You're almost as old as my dad! He's 80.”
He shook his head with a shudder. The idea of being compared to the guy grossed him out beyond what he could deal. But that did beg the question—
“So, how come you’re so young and he’s so old?”
The drastic age difference between you and your father never crossed your mind before. A whopping sixty-year gap, to be precise.
“Hm... I don’t actually know.” You sipped your beverage to wash down whatever was left in your throat. “I used to think it was normal, but he had me when he was around the age everybody else was dying. I'm gonna guess I was born late because he'd still be around for me.” You shrugged, narrowing your eyes slightly. “Or... Maybe I was grown out of a tube. Who knows.”
Alfred cringed at the thought. He couldn’t put it past the guy.
“... Yikes.” He stood up once you finished your meal. Bending over to take your rubbish, he crushed the plastic in the palm of his hand.
“Your dad sure loves playing God,” He continued, holding you in a serious stare. “That’s where we come in. Living forever is pretty fucked up. And I don't see a point in him handing over the company when he'll still be alive, too. You should get everything to yourself, so you can do whatever you want with it. Make the world a better place.”
Outstretching a hand to your right side, he carefully minded your left wrist as the bruises were still fresh. This time, you took it without hesitating.
“Then, maybe with him gone, we could hang out without twenty people planning how to kill me for taking you out for ice cream.”  
It didn’t even bother you anymore how much you liked his company. He was human, just like you, and perhaps, even more so than half the inhabitants of the city.
“My dad, gone? Even if you steal that chip away, it’s not like he'll drop dead immediately. I bet he’ll live another twenty years, at least.” You chuckled, giving him a light nudge in the shoulder.
Breathing out a sigh at that, he appeared genuinely troubled.
“Wow, fuck. You're right.” Alfred could solve the issue by just killing him, but it was much too early. He had secrets to spill, and a psychopathic corporate monster or not, he was still your father.
“Let’s hope he cares enough about your feelings to not kill me.”
“You’re saying that as if I'm in love with you. Don't get ahead of yourself, big guy. We’re barely friends!” Grinning at that, you ran off jokingly to emphasize your point, leaving your voice to fade in volume. Brushing past a few strangers, you slowed down once a generous distance formed between you both. Spinning around to his smaller figure, you found yourself staring at his annoyed expression.
And it grew clearer at every step he took towards you. Then, he began to jog. Seeing him put an effort to catch up to you was comical, so you dragged it out by continuing to walk.
“Come on, Al. I thought all your upgrades would make you faster as well! Or are those burgers finally doing a number on you?”
You couldn’t remember the last time you had this much fun. And it showed in how you laughed so wholeheartedly, with absolutely no care in the world. A few heads even turned your way, but that was none of your concern.
So why did Alfred look like he just saw a ghost?
Instead of casual jogs, he burst into a full-on sprint towards you. Confusion morphed at your features as you caught sight of the terror in his eyes. Very soon, his fear infected you.
“Al—you’re scaring me.”
What did he see?
“(F/N), come back here, now!” He shouted at the top of his lungs, never slowing his pace to reach you. Hesitating for a second before your first step towards him, you never made it far before a hand held you back by your shoulder. Chills ran down your spine at the sensation, then realization somebody was behind you. You turned around slowly, and that was when a full-body paralysis settled in.
There stood a masked figure in a long, black trench coat. Losing yourself in the upturned eyes of the face of an oni, a demon, you never stood a chance to stop him from grasping your neck.
“Gh—”
“I’ll fucking kill you if you lay a scratch on her.” Stopping just a few feet in front of the man, a pair of mantis blades shot out of his forearms. He trained them right at his head. “I wasn't fucking around, buddy. Let her go, now.” His electric blue eyes lit up in a menacing glare, which only grew fiercer the tighter the stranger squeezed.
The razor-sharp tips of the blades extended closer.
“You son of a bitch!”
A few screams were heard, and people began to scramble away from an unfolding altercation. Nearby cars sped away, leaving the streets completely empty.
The grip around your neck grew unbearably tight in just a few seconds, cutting away your air supply to leave you fighting to stay conscious. Your head grew light while your vision faded away, and your struggles eventually slowed until you fell limp in his arms. Once you completely collapsed, he threw you over his shoulder without a hitch. Alfred’s lips separated in shock.
“(F/N), no!” He hissed. “You bastard!”
He could no longer resist the urge to cut him down. To lunge forward at him and slice his head clean off his neck. But that never happened, as his blade met another in a loud chink.
The man had drawn a katana just in time to keep his head intact. While they pitted their raw strength against each other, the edges of their weapons trembled violently. In this moment of proximity, the stranger leaned down to him tauntingly.
“You’re not the one in control, here.”
Before he could even respond, a strong fist was thrown at the side of his head from behind. Stumbling to the side, he didn’t have the chance to recover before he was hit again, then repeatedly bludgeoned until he could hardly stand up. He fell to the floor on his knees, but before he could pass out, he lifted his head to give one final reckoning.
“It’ll take more than that to take me out.” He coughed out weakly with a grin. The stranger responded by zapping the base of his neck. He never got back up again.
His consciousness was waning, fast. As he reached out to your silhouette, he could barely make out the wetness of the ground anymore. “Fuck...”
Since when did it start raining, anyway?
“Everybody has a breaking point. Even you.”
His sense of hearing dulled out, silencing the light patter of rain. Soon, black swallowed up his vision.
It wasn't supposed to end like this. He was so close to reaching his goals. The two of you were meant to go to headquarters tomorrow, even—that chip could've been his. Making up with you was a bonus. Everything he ever wanted was in his grasp, but slipped away just like that.
Blinking his eyes open, he rolled his head around slowly. How long had he been out? A few hours? A day? Two days? But it didn't feel that long. More like a fifth of tequila and an ass-kicking. While the blur of shapes and colors grew sharper, he recognized the surroundings to be some sort of storage room. Giving his arms a sharp pull, he virtually made no progress with his wrists tied to a chair. He kicked his legs, only to hear the whole chair scrape along the ground. Great. No wonder you were so pissed at him earlier. Being kidnapped with no control over yourself wasn't fun.
Not like he needed this to realize.
Speaking of which, where were you?
A few minutes passed, and he began to wonder if they forgot about him. Didn’t they remember seeing the mantis blades he threatened them with? All he needed to do was pop them out and slice himself free, and it would've been so easy... So long as he actually had them. Furrowing his brows in confusion, he lowered his gaze to his arms while he continued activating them, only to see nothing of the sort appear to his rescue.
All he heard was an awkward clicking while his arm plates opened. There was nothing inside.
“What... The fuck?” His words were muffled and sent vibrations across the lower half of his face. With nothing else in his arsenal of weapons that could free him, he sat back and closed his eyes. As much as he hated the suspense, all he could do was wait. And at every second he wasted, sitting here like a dead man, the panic in his system reached a climax as he theorized what they were doing to you. While he had explosives and an enhanced body at his disposal, you had nothing but flesh.
He just hoped you were still alive.
The door swung open to reveal the same masked figure from before. Lowering his head to the man, he glowered at him as he walked closer and closer. He expected a punch or two, but instead, he had the tape on his mouth ripped off.
“Where is she?” Alfred blurted out. “What did you do to her?”
It was infuriating to see the bastard so relaxed in his presence. Hell, he even pulled out a cigarette to smoke it through the mouth of his mask. Breathing in a deep inhale, he blew out a cloud of smoke before turning back to the blonde.
“Nothing. She's in the room next door.” He responded curtly. “I wouldn't worry about her, though. You're the one we were after. She’ll be around once you’re gone.”
“What? What do you mean, gone?”
Two men joined the room and walked up to him. Attaching two arms to the chair he was sitting in, he was lifted off the ground.
“You’re apart of a show. When we’re done with you, you’ll be dead.”
He was struggling and pulling with all his might to get out of his restraints. At the rate of how things were going, he was about to be sacrificed down the end of the hall. He needed to find you and get out of here, fast. What was this show he was going on about, anyway? There was no way this could be a run-in with cult members.
But it only appeared to be the case as he was taken to a stage. There was a large audience below of at least one thousand people, ogling him like some kind of specimen.
What Alfred immediately noticed about them was how dark they appeared—he quickly realized why. Unlike most citizens of Twilight city, they didn’t have any alterations that left behind glowing lines on their bodies. Instead, they looked more like you. All flesh and blood with no cybernetic enhancements.
He finally understood what they all gathered here for. To embrace the old way of life, an existence free from machines, and the obsession with unearthly body modifications. How ironic to think it was everything he fought for. He could die for it, but not like this.
“We were going to have the two of you up here, but after some close inspection, we discovered she’s one of our kind. She’ll be unharmed and watching in the audience.”
Before he could feel a wave of relief wash over him, he narrowed his eyes at what he mentioned. “Close inspection? What the fuck are you playing at, you psycho?” He hissed, only to receive a few laughs from the other.
“You know what I mean.”
He began to thrash in his seat as he heated up with unbridled rage. “You’re a goddamn pervert. Just you wait. I’ll blow myself up. Whatever it takes to see your guts splattered on the walls.” Grinning manically at the thought, his mirth was short-lived at the other’s lack of reaction.
“Are you sure you want to do that when we have your girlfriend? One wrong move and she’ll be joining you when the axe comes down.”
Freezing up at that, he stopped struggling and stared out into the audience. That was right. You were in the crowd, currently supervised by two of his underlings, watching him desperately for a sign, any sign, that everything was going to be okay. His heart never ached this badly before, but this was the first time he had something to lose after losing everything.
He needed to get himself out of this situation and save you. Fast.
While you two were hardly friends, he’d be damned if he let anything happen to you. And plus, he still had a chip to steal. After that, he needed to take you out for ice cream.
~~~
How many days had it been since he visited that godforsaken basement? Only two. But not a minute went by without him lingering on the memory. The sight of a rotting corpse and the stench of a rotting corpse. Whatever happened to the poor bastard, he just hoped he was at peace now. It was a discovery he was never meant to stumble across, but fortunately, he was ready to put it behind him.
Hopefully, he could forget it ever happened tomorrow, but that was just wishful thinking.
Standing around in a private kitchen adjoined to his superior’s office, he waited for the water in the kettle to boil. A few moments later, steam began to shoot out from the spout, and the timer stopped. He’d been told to make some tea. A simple, but odd request. He always made his own tea. Pouring the hot liquid into two premade cups with sachets in them, he set the kettle aside before bringing them out on a tray.
“Tea's ready, boss.”
The bearded man had been standing near the window, watching the landscape of the city. It looked like he was deep in thought with his hands behind his back. Nothing surprising about that. Upon hearing the other’s voice, he turned around to walk over to the kotatsu, but he never sat down. Instead, the older man lowered himself down to the tray and swiped his fingers over a small spill.
“You've always been a good fighter, Allen. But everything else you do pales in comparison. Like making a proper cup of Japanese tea.”
The redhead rubbed his neck sheepishly at that, but he never had the chance to get a word in.
“You must put thought into everything you do, or you’re better off never doing it at all.” The man continued, taking a few steps in the other direction with his back facing him. From the sound of things, he was about to go on a long lecture on his ‘inadequacies’. “Victory belongs to those who wait half an hour longer than their opponent.”
As ominous as that sounded, Allen would soon understand exactly what this mysterious proverb meant.
“I was your opponent.” He clarified. “You could have waited in the hallway to let the smell of death pass. But you failed, and now I know where you have been.”
He had been sipping absent-mindedly from his cup, and nearly burned himself when he splashed some onto his lips. Setting it down onto the table, he swallowed thickly as dread drained his face of its color.
“You must have a lot of questions you are dying to know the answers to.”
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angrylizardjacket · 4 years
Text
runs in the family // charlotte&lola (penny&jupiter)
Summary: Jupiter and Penny somehow find themselves in 1981. What else is there to do but meet their moms at Motley Crue's first gig?
A/N: as always, for @misscharlottelee and eva ill edit this and tag u when I find ur new url. @compositionnotebook 💖 why did I write this? Because I love to suffer. Also as always, unedited.
----
Of course, waking up in a hotel room they don’t remember, with their cousin asleep in the other bed, only to realise that they’re back in LA when they’re meant to be on the other side of the country in the middle of their tour, Jupiter was understandably panicked. They hadn’t been drinking last night, and they’re pretty sure there was no way of them getting across the country without realising, and the idea that something is up is solidified when Penny wakes up and starts panicking too. 
The front desk says they’re paid up for the month; the woman’s hair is sand blonde, feathered and sprayed up to the high heavens, while the uniform she wears is the ugliest shade of green Jupiter’s ever laid eyes on, but the woman has the gall to give Jupiter’s outfit an unimpressed look. They’re all for the current resurgence in 80s fashion trends, but it feels like this woman may have committed too hard to the bit. Jupiter, nonetheless, asks the woman if she remembers how they and Penny had arrived, and the woman actually rolls her eyes and says that she’s not paid to ask nosy questions. 
It takes the cousins a full hour to find out that somehow they’ve landed themselves in 1981, a full day to believe it, and a full week to fully understand what that means. 
“I hate this, I want to do something, go somewhere,” Friday night and Jupiter’s sick to death of no TV and only the radio for entertainment. Whoever had been staying here, whoever’s place they and Penny had taken, had left a wallet with no ID, but an exorbitant amount of cash, and a closet full of clothes in their sizes. It’s eerie as fuck, but the only person who’s come knocking was the housekeeping staff, and Jupiter tells them to go away every time. 
“We are near The Strip in the eighties,” Penny suggests, flicking through a newspaper idly, lounging on the bed, “what if we saw young Guns ‘n’ Roses live, or, oh God, what about Motley, could you imagine?” Penny snorted, and Jupiter’s whole expression wrinkles to something horrified.
“They weren’t around yet, were they? What’s the date?”
“April twenty-fourth,” Penny’s expression sobers considerably from it’s delight, adding, “nineteen eighty-one,” much quieter, “fuck.”
They agree to go out, if only to get out of the room they’d been hiding from the world in, rather terrified to face their reality. There’s hesitation; do they get dressed up? Do they use the makeup sitting neatly on the bathroom counter? It felt safer to try and blend in, but blending in with the 80s nightlife wasn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world. 
Both have the distinct, horrifying thought of ‘I look like my mother’ when they’re finished, looking in the mirror, all dark makeup and patterned jeans and leather jackets; there’s a leather miniskirt that neither of them touch, not wanting to go too hard on their first night in the apparent real world. There’s a half empty bottle of hairspray on the counter that they both eye dubiously.
“It would be weirder if we didn’t spray up our hair, right?” Penny says, and Jupiter feels distinctly like a teenager, uncertain, awkward, not quite sure of their style, rather than the early-30s successful musician they were. 
It doesn’t end up looking good, at least not to their 2020 sensibilities, but as they make their way down to the street, a woman in leopard print gushes over how good they both look. 
It’s sunset, with people looking just as out there are the out-of-time cousins, band posters and flyers plastered to every wall, every telephone pole, every surface available as they walked the six blocks to The Strip. It takes only the ten minute walk from their shitty little hotel, to the Whiskey-A-Go-Go, for the reality it of it all to settle in Jupiter’s stomach like they’d swallowed ice. More specifically, it takes right up until they’re standing on the corner by the Whiskey, Penelope’s eye caught by one of the flyers on the nearby telephone pole, for Jupiter to think to look across the street at the rundown apartment complex that they realise they already know of. 
They gaze upon the window of one of the apartments on the second floor, with, even at this distance, a visibly fist-sized hole, gaff-taped up through the window. Jupiter knows that window, even as Penelope’s calling their name insistently. 
“It’s April Twenty-Fourth, right?” Penny calls, dubiously, and Jupiter says something about how that’s what she’d said back at the hotel, not paying attention.
“First ever rehearsal we had for the band, I didn’t even see your mom, she was out somewhere, the gym I think, but before she’d gone, she and Nikki had a fight and she put her whole fist through the window; I thought they were the coolest people I’d ever met.”
Tommy’s voice floats through Jupiter’s mind as they finally turn to Penny, to her insistent tone, only to step back, as if burned by the very sight of the Motley Crue poster. Penny was holding one corner in a fist, eyes wide. Tonight. The Starwood. 
“No.” Jupiter didn’t even let her get an word in edgewise, but Penny shook the poster more intently. 
“We have to,” she implored, though Jupiter was now adamantly shaking their head.
“We have to do no such thing,” Jupiter crossed their arms, cocking a hip. Turning their nose in the air at the poster, they accidently catch a glimpse of what they’re pretty sure is their mom’s apartment, and their expression reflexively wrinkles.
“What if my mom’s there?” Penny says quietly, and oh God damn it, there’s no way Jupiter could say no to that. The walk from the Whiskey to the Starwood is a good half an hour, and they’re both just glad to have opted for the flat shoes they’d brought from the future, rather than risked any of the platforms or heels that were lined up neatly at the bottom of the closet they’d raided. There’s a Motley poster ever few feet, and while dread had settled in Jupiter’s stomach, Penny was buzzing beside them nervously.
The Starwood had closed only months after Motley’s first performance, but both Jupiter and Penny had heard their family lovingly reminisce about it, with photos from the night, from nights before and after, so it strangely felt like they’d been there before, looking at the club’s name up in shining lights, Motley Crue headlining the night just below. 
“Isn’t that the guy from Rock Candy?” There’s two dudes a few feet away, squinting at another poster for the band, then looking up to the sign, both of them in leather jackets and flared jeans. 
“Dude, fuck, that’s the guy from London, last gig he played, he broke the singer’s jaw!” The second dude, delights, already tugging his friend towards the club where people were already filtering in.
“No man, their roadie broke the singer’s nose after he knocked out two of the bass player’s teeth on stage -”
It was so strange to hear misinformation spread so casually about people both Jupiter and Penny knew so well; they’d both heard the story of the night Tommy and Charlotte had met Nikki and Lola, how London had a small fight on stage that ended up giving Nikki a bloody nose, and how Lola had knocked out two of the singer’s teeth the in alley behind the bar after the gig. But here, now, it was like it’s own kind of folklore. 
They follow the men inside. 
No-one check their IDs, thank God, their own wallets hadn’t travelled back in time with them. The bouncer lets them pass without issue, and Jupiter is strangely reminded of their age as they see the people around them, a majority in their early to mid-20s, all looking right at home in leather and black denim. It’s still fairly quiet, the stage looking only half set up with a few clusters of people milling around the bar. There’s two people on the stage, setting it up, but with their backs turned, but they’re not exactly recognisable, long blonde hair and dark hair respectively, though the dark-haired one is in a distinctively spiked jacket. Closer to them, however is, a pretty red-head sat at the end, all tight clothes and effortless elegance, one leg crossed over the other where she was lounging against the bar on her barstool, a beer in one hand. Something about her is so familiar.
Jupiter and Penny carefully sit themselves by the bar too, a few seats away from the red-head, looking around but not quite processing it all. They’re at Motley Crue’s first show. 
Jupiter’s squinting at the row of drinks behind the bar, trying to decide what to order, when Penny grabs their hand so hard it hurts. Before they can turn back, however, they hear a voice they’ve only ever heard recordings of.
“Aw, Eileen, so nice of you to get me a drink,” Charlotte Lee’s tone was all teasing and light as she took the bottle out of the redhead - Eileen’s - hand, taking a sip as Eileen herself rolled her eyes.
“Lola is a terrible influence on you,” Eileen said flatly. Penny’s nails were digging into Jupiter’s forearm. Charlotte hands the drink back with a fond twinkle in her eyes.
“Lola hasn’t paid for a drink in her life, so I happen to think she’s a great influence-”
“She only drinks for free because she’s blackmailing half the bartenders in town,” the bartender himself piped up, cracking open a beer and handing it over to Charlotte without her even having to ask, flashing a grin that’s all teeth, “you ladies drink for free because I like making pretty girls smile.”
“Ricky, you’re the one who keeps hitting on her,” Charlotte points out, and his expression falls almost comically fast; “you keep taking her back to your place.”
“Only ‘cos she lives with Nikki and I don’t feel like being fucking stabbed in my sleep,” Ricky counters, pouting and flustered, his arms crossed over his chest. 
“That’s definitely fair, but it’s not Lola’s fault you’re embarrassed about having a nun fetish,” Eileen’s tone is unbothered in the fact of Ricky’s embarrassment, though her lips twitch in the barest amuse smile as she adds, “Father Richard,” and Ricky turns scarlet as Charlotte spits half her mouthful of beer as a laugh escapes her. 
Jupiter can feel their heart beat in their throw. This is so real, what the fuck. 
“Can we help you?” And then Eileen’s looking directly at Penny and Jupiter, who realise that they’re staring at the women by the bar, eyes wide like they’d seen a ghost. Ha. She’s got a single, perfect eyebrow raised, shifting in a way that’s barely noticible, but so clearly confrontational, like a cat’s fur raising even when a cat doesn’t move. 
“Charlotte Lee,” there’s a wobble in Penny’s voice when she finally speaks, and Jupiter can feel the way her hand’s trembling, “that makes... that makes you Eileen -” and she swallows hard, editing the last name she knows so well for the one that Eileen would have had in 1981, “Austen.” 
Charlotte and Eileen share a look, and then look back to Penelope. 
“Wait right here,” Charlotte sounds delighted, actually addressing Penny with a hand out.
“How do you guys know who we are?” Eileen asks, as Charlotte takes off towards the stage. Penny moves instinctively to follow her, but Jupiter holds her in place. There’s something in the evaluative look she gives them, lip curling just a little, on edge at being stared at by two strangers who must be roughly a decade older than them, who seem to already know them. “Are you friends of Lola’s?” She asks dubiously, and Jupiter is fighting the urge to run.
“Our little brother went to high school with you both,” Penny blurts out, “he was in the year above you,” but something seems to ease about Eileen’s posture as Penny tells her the exact school, and the year she and Charlotte would have graduated. It’s too specific for Eileen to think they’re lying, and for that both Jupiter and Penny are glad.
For all that Penny is Charlotte and Razzle's daughter, she was still raised, at least in part, by Lola, arguably the best liar of her generation. All the various Lee-Dingley-Sixx children had some innate ability to convincingly lie through their teeth, and though it didn't come in handy for Penny nearly as much as it seemingly did Jupiter, she was never more grateful for that skill than she was now.
“False alarm, Charlie, their brother went to school with us,” Eileen calls out, just as Charlotte is returning, dragging a dark haired woman both Jupiter and Penny knew far too well.
Seeing Charlotte at first had been so overwhelming that they hadn’t really processed what she’d looked like, but now, standing next to who could only be Lola, in 1981, it hit Jupiter just how young they both were. 
Lola’s still shorter than her own child, but taller than Jupiter remembers her ever being, curtesy of her intimidating platform boots, leather and buckles and spikes, a good match for her spiked leather jacket and studded bralette. She’s all sprayed up hair, larger than life, dark eyeshadow, and fishnets, somehow wearing so much and not at all at the same time. 
Beside her, Charlotte is only a few inches shorter, hair just as high, still with dark makeup, looking like a beautiful middle ground between Lola’s intimidating intensity and Eileen’s high glamour. In flashy denim pants and an artfully ripped, hand painted Motley Crue shirt, Charlotte’s the picture of the eighties, as beautiful and bright as any photo or recording Penny and Jupiter had ever seen. 
Charlotte’s expression falls with disappointment, but before she can speak -
“You’re twenty-two!” Jupiter hears themselves say, and Lola looks directly at them, lip curling. Jupiter’s blood runs ice cold. 
“What?” The single word is so derisive in a voice that Jupiter has never known to be cold, and before anyone else can speak, Lola looks to Charlotte, eyebrow raised. When she crosses her arms over her chest, even the leather jacket can’t completely hide how well muscled her arms are, “Charlie, I love you but I don’t give a shit about two old broads whose brother you knew, we gotta finish setting up.” It hurt like a physical ache, somewhere behind Jupiter’s sternum, each word somehow hurting more than the last.
“Don’t be rude,” Charlotte told her, elbowing her in the ribs, smiling even so.
“I don’t even know my fucking age - who are you?” Lola’s undeterred, on hand holding a roll of gaff tape in a white-knuckled grip, while the other had curled into a fist, weight shifting from one foot to the other in agitation. Okay, that’s very fair, Jupiter regrets ever opening their mouth. Fuck. 
“You don’t know how old you are?” Charlotte asks, disbelieving, breaking the tension, and Lola looks back at her, face scrunching up as the tension drops from her shoulders.
“Why would I know my age?”
“Because that’s a very weird thing not to know!” Charlotte exclaimed in disbelief, eyes wide. Jupiter, on the other hand, wracked their brains for any scrap of knowledge they’d heard about their mother’s past and actually retained.
“Sorry, we know we’re being weird,” eyes closed, they took a deep breath, trying to sort out their thoughts, “our brother Leo went to school with Charlotte and Eileen, but we... talked to a band you roadied for, and they told us roughly how old you were, but you look,” Jupiter pauses, cracking open their eyes, only to see the way Lola's expression had softened upon hearing the name Leo - oh fuck, she doesn't even know the truth about her own dad yet! -“younger than I expected.”
“I’m used to Lola being recognised around here, just got my hopes up that it was my turn,” Charlotte admits with the faintest embarrassment, picking her drink up from the bar and taking a sip. 
“One day soon, Charlie, if the boys take off, we’ll be right beside ‘em; everyone in LA will know your name,” the way Lola says it is strangely wry, like she’s self aware of the fact that her own name is out there for some less than reputable reasons, or like she isn’t fully convinced that Motley Crue would be the runaway success they all hoped.
Jupiter and Penny share a look, pained by the dramatic irony the three women across from them couldn’t even begin to comprehend.
It takes a moment, and Lola is definitely still a bit wary, but then it passes, and Lola looks to the stage again, still clearly addressing Charlotte.
"If you wanna help me with the last bit, I just need to do a sound check.” And with that, she was off, and Jupiter lets out a breath that hadn’t realised they’d been holding. Penny is still staring at Charlotte, who's rocking back on her heel as she has another drink, contemplating going after Lola, but also intrigued but the two interlopers enough to stay.
Eileen asks their names.
Penny and Jupiter share a panicked look, because they can't just tell the truth, it would make things weird in the future! What if they end up in the present named something entirely new!? They hadn't even begun to consider the butterfly effect of their being here.
"Lisa?" Jupiter says finally, picking a name they'd used in the past, but not for long, a nickname derived from their birth name in honour of their grandmother. Eileen looks wildly unconvinced, but Charlotte, bright and kind and perfect and alive, tells them its pretty. Penny is struggling to come up with an alternative, before conceding that her nickname is probably common enough that it wouldn't really matter.
"Penny's such a pretty name," Charlotte beams, and tells them its lovely to meet them, and Jupiter rests a gentle hand on their cousin's back, a silent reminder to keep breathing, as Charlotte trots off to help Lola with the last of the sound check.
Jupiter orders them both several drinks.
They end up sitting at the other end of the bar, away from the spot Eileen has clearly claimed for herself and Motley Crue's glorified roadies. Penny is quietly trying not to hyperventilate every time she thinks too hard about what's happening, and made a muffled scream upon hearing Charlotte laugh at one of Lola's jokes.
"I've died, Jup, we've died and this is the afterlife because that is my fucking mother, and she's alive, and she's twenty-one goddamn years old. She is a child. Our mothers are children. What the fuck?!" Penny hissed, and took another sip of her drink. Jup was watching Lola, so young and confident and mean as all hell, a defensive mechanism that's only made apparent to be such because Jupiter's known her longer than this version of Lola's been alive. But she smiles around Charlotte and Eileen in a way Jupiter's never seen her smile before, something grateful and adoring at the corners of her lips, an unfamiliar kind of softness in her eyes for just the barest moment.
Lola smiles like she feels lucky to be here, to be around these women, to call them friends. Here and now it hits Jupiter hard, that even decades later, their mother never fully recovered from losing Charlotte.
"We're not dead," Jupiter tells their cousin softly, and they both watch Lola and Charlotte head back to the green room before the band begins.
"But I- how, explain then, how can I go over there and touch her? She's real, Jup, really real, my mother, Charlotte Lee."
"I can't explain it, it just is," Jupiter muses, and finishes of their next drink as Lola and Charlotte reappear, followed by the band, all looking far too young and overeager, and Jupiter's heart is beating in their throat as Tommy Lee beams and waves to the crowd. They're going to be sick. Or maybe cry. Or maybe have a full panic attack right here by the bar. Fucking hell he's even more of a child than Charlotte, only twenty, and just as bright and excitable as they've known him to be, possibly moreso.
The audience seems underwhelmed, not sure what to make of these boys with their leather and hairspray and nervous excitement; Vince introduces them to the quiet bar with a yell, and Jupiter kind of hates that their future step-dad is giving them gender envy.
And then Tommy knocks over his cymbal after showing off with his drumsticks, and Jupiter bursts into tears.
They're furious at themselves for crying, hand pressed to their mouth for fear of anyone hearing if they would sob, brow furrowed into a scowl, other hand messily wiping at their eyes as they mouth defiant swears against their palm. People are jeering and booing, and out of the corner of their eye, Jupiter sees Charlotte actively holding Lola back, and something deep inside their heart knows that if there wasn't stupid fucking tears in their eyes, they'd be just as ready to defend the band's honour as their mom is.
"Oh, he's always been like this-" Penny's voice is softly adoring as she watches the man who will one day be her uncle and adopted father, before she looks to Jupiter, sees them overwhelmed with it all, and mad at themselves for feeling that, and she laughs, gentle and kind and understanding, and wraps Jupiter up in a hug. Its grounding. Even as Jupiter sulkily tells her to fuck off, they wrap an arm around Penny's shoulders and press their face into her hair.
"He looks like you," Penny murmurs as the first song starts, despite the negativity still pouring from the crowd. Jupiter wrinkles their nose, but can't help but smile. Tommy looks incredibly cool tonight, and it's true that Jupiter had inherited a lot of physical characteristics from their father.
Everyone in the bar hears the jeering way a dude in the audience asks about the 'chick singer', and for a moment, the children unwittingly mirror their mothers as Penny's grip on Jupiter tightens, anticipating when they go to lunge for the stage in outrage, but the moment the guy spits on Vince, across the bar Charlotte let's go of Lola, setting her loose on the vitriolic patrons.
Penny and Jupiter knew Motley's first gig started with a fight, but it was another thing to witness it.
Tommy leaps into the crowd, delighted by the carnage that Nikki and Vince are already taking part in, and Lola’s already knocked a guy flat on his ass. Surprisingly, Charlotte lobs her half-empty bottle at the guy who had spat at Vince, not taking direct part, but not abstaining either, cackling when it shatters against him and he's looking around, angry and confused, and Eileen says her name with a tone thats both scandalised and impressed.
In the end, by the time the bouncers step in, all that's left is Tommy absolutely wailing on a dude, and much to everyone's surprise, most of all her child's, little Lola Gone wraps her arms around Tommy's chest, cops a full elbow to the face, and still hauls him up and off his victim like he weighs nothing, even as he's thrashing and swearing and telling her to go fuck herself before realising who it is. When she puts him down, she snarls something at him, and shoves him towards the stage.
By the bar, Jupiter's mouth is agape, while Penny is trying to hold in her laughter, both of them realising just how terrifyingly similar to their father Jupiter actually is. And that at Twenty-Two, Lola is built like a tank.
The things you never truly understand about your parents because you always think of them as your parents is wild.
But above all, in the wake of the small riot, Jupiter and Penny can only feel a strange and overwhelming pride, seeing how eagerly they'd all defended each other.
"Fuck yeah, Motley Crue!" Leaves Penny's lips, delighted, at the top of her lungs, and suddenly the eyes of everyone in the bar, and more importantly, the people these two time travelling cousins will call family, forty years from now, fall on them. Grateful. Beaming. Then, laughter; Charlotte’s.
"Fuck yeah!" She echoes her daughter, and a cheer rises around the bar as the band begins playing again, energy revitalised. Charlotte beams at them, sharing in the moment, waving them both over eagerly as the bartender begrudgingly hands over a stack of napkins, while Lola's got her head tipped back, arguing with Eileen as to whether or not her nose is broken as it bleeds profusely.
Even at their first gig, Take Me To The Top sounds good, sounds like it should, all rough and energetic, and Jupiter knows how strange it would be to sing along at the band's first fucking gig, but the song, even now, feels like home.
"Lola, you're a danger to yourself and others," Eileen smirked, "and you're a terrible influence on Charlie."
"Thank you," Lola grins, right as Charlotte tries to deny it, which devolves into Eileen pointing out that Charlotte had lobbed her bottle at one of the offenders, which delighted Lola to no end.
"Don't know if you would know this, not sure how much your brother would have said," Charlotte says, grinning at Jupiter and Penny, "but my cousin, Tommy, he's the one on drums," she says, oozing pride. Jupiter and Penny both bite back on their instinctual responses, but still the surprise reads on their face.
"The one who did this to me," Lola's beaming despite looking a little like a horror movie, sounding only proud.
"He's certainly energetic," Penny says, finally, before letting herself breathe, watching the band for the moment, "they're really good," like she can't quite believe this is all real, still, "they have no idea how huge they're gonna be," the words slip out quite by accident, and both Jup and Penny share a panicked look, but the words don't get the reaction they expected.
"I knew I liked you," Charlotte's grin is sharp and pleased, and before Penny can protest, Charlotte's thrown an arm around her shoulders, "you've got taste." And that's enough incentive for Charlotte to shout both Jup and Penny a drink, oblivious to the way Penny freezes, like a deer in the headlights. Her mother's arm is around her without her mom even knowing how much this means. She looks like she's about to cry.
"Its really good to meet you, Charlie," Penny's voice is strangely hoarse, strangely honest in ways Charlotte can't even begin to understand, and Charlotte gives Penny's shoulder a squeeze.
"You too, Penny, and you, Lisa," she adds, grinning up at Jupiter for a moment, "anyone who thinks good things about my reckless dumbass of a cousin and his band is good in my books." She's so effortlessly earnest and endearing, exactly as everyone had described her, able to make friends wherever she went. Penny tentatively thanks Charlotte when she hands her a drink, and wraps an arm around Charlotte's waist when the younger blonde seemed content with an arm around Penny's shoulders.
"I can't believe you two are the only other assholes with taste," Lola smirks, holding a napkin to her nose.
"Get bent," Jupiter fires off automatically at the vaguely derisive tone, and Lola flips them off while Charlotte shoves her in the ribs. This moment, in its own weird little way, makes sense.
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mauserfrau · 4 years
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Mau's Very Silly Headcanon Post
Since I have two pieces of fiction going live this weekend and they’re both going to be late due to butting into each other XD.
I did another one here and there’s going to be some overlap, but less bodily function stuff in this one (mostly spit) (also some vague references to medical trauma).
A lot of this is small potatoes because I didn’t want to spoil anything.  How Phaseleech actually works ends up being a plot point in what I have pending, so I actually can’t just come out and say what’s going on.  That said, I’m sure there are people here who want to know what’s on my mind, but who don’t want to sit through 50K words with half a dozen squick warnings.
That said: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mauser_Frau
Questions welcome, about this, anything else I think about Borderlands, what exactly is in Chapter 13 of Satellite, if it’s true the one flashback actually happened to Mom... 
Both
-Look, the only thing I did that’s appreciably off-canon is let them have emotions.  Maybe I drove into left field with what those emotions were, but that’s really all anybody’s got to do to fix this situation.  Go with the deity of your choice.  
-If I was headed for a Gearbox ending, it would be for the scrapped one, not the one we got.  See this and this other thing.
>>>I would still have written the twins as having something resembling a meaningful relationship regardless of whether that turned out romantic or not.  As things went and are, them as a couple was something I knew how to write and my mom shipped them (no, I’m not kidding).  
-I’m not going for a canon ending.  Mercy, did I find a thread I could snap and take the whole sweater out.  
-Both had blue siren markings when they were born; Troy’s turned red after they were separated.
--Which was a complicated mess-- they were upside-down verses each other and had several secondary adhesions, the most notable of which was Tyreen’s face to Troy’s thigh.
---Leda never 100% recovered from the emotional or physical trauma, but she put on a brave face for the last sevenish years of her life.  
---Troy’s tissue loss was severe and left him with a notable pit in his upper right side.
---Tyreen also has heavy scarring running from her right armpit to her right hip.  It’s not as complex, but it is very visible.  Missing a fair amount of intestine compared to the average human, but this has apparently never bothered her beyond the fact that visiting the toilet when you don’t eat is not fun.
-Semi-identical twins. Have 82.5% of their genes in common.  LSS, neither one is a parasite.  They’re two sperm plus one egg and they didn’t divide right.
--Ms. Phaseleech* didn’t know any better.  #oops  
--If you get them relaxed enough, they will indeed curl up together in their “fish” position.
-Tyreen is the one who would wail first if separated from her brother when they were very small, but they don’t like being apart even as adults.  
-Both very well-read, used to recite The Odyssey to congregants instead of scripture (‘cause they didn’t have any scripture). 
-Good to excellent hunters. Depends what they’re hunting and if they’re together.  Prefer to go barefoot if there’s no one else around.
-The circumstances surrounding Leda’s death are appreciably worse than fanon baseline to the point I don’t think I ought to leave them lying around in a Tumblr post.  
-Both have wavy hair if they don’t iron the daylights out of it.
-Prefer to be on the road and around people, even if a fair amount of those people are going to end up dinner.
-Get weirdly soft-hearted around kids, especially little boys with a similar complexion to their own.
-Do they have any concept that they’re horrible people? Yes, but it’s very academic and not something that motivates them.  You’d be way more likely to hear them frame themselves as hedonists, which also explains their worldview to a certain extent.  
~*~
Troy
-Skinnier than most other Troys.  You could put him in a room with every fandom Troy and sort them by muscle mass, you’d find him at the bottom end, partying like this was an accomplishment.  
-Has an X-linked connective tissue disorder which is more extensive than he lets on.  He really should not do about 90% of the stunts he does because of the vascular involvement.
-Made a categorical decision to treat the associated pain with a lot of cannabis and massage.  Has a distinct resin and honey body butter smell because of this.
--Also, if you get him off-hours, there’s going to be a fair amount of “but why are we here, man?” discussion.
-Has a kink in his upper back.  His spine tilts to his right.  Not super noticeable, but if you were on massage duty, you’d realize something felt out of place.  
-Used to get catastrophic nosebleeds, though these have lessened in frequency and severity over the years.  
-After a certain point, has a permanent latching socket port installed on his right side, allowing him to switch arms out as he likes.
--Because he has a selection of eccentric ones.  What? It’s a challenge to learn to use non-human aspects like claws or feathers or forty joints in a tentacle.  
--Still flounces around without one if nobody of consequence is watching and generally won’t sleep with one in.
-The insides of his ear gauges are messy and don’t even get him started on changing the jewelry on any, erm, other piercings he might have.  (Nipples and one off-center PA.  That was QUITE enough after what it took for his tattoos to cooperate.) 
-Will frame any illness or off-day as a migraine, which he does get.
-Had really bad teeth before his mouth mods.  After that, has none of his natural teeth remaining.  Primarily uses his exceptional bite radius to annoy others, show off, eat sandwiches in a disturbing fashion and do unspeakable things in bed.  They’re for show.  They’re not functional in any serious way.  
-Doesn’t have great control of said mouth mods in the heat of passion or if you get him laughing hard enough.  Hope you like spit!
-Still has rather heinous-looking feet, but he’s concerned about losing his calluses if he has them fixed.  You’d be more likely to see him open on an operating table than barefoot in public.  
-Always wants to be the little spoon.  You’re a tink? You’re a third his size? So what.  He wants to be the little spoon.  Just give in.
-Genuinely likes tea, especially flower-based tea.  Favorite foods include grits, polenta, tamales, campfire beefy rice, beef and broccoli layered onto somebody else’s leftover noodles, beef curry, beef sandwiches soaked in jus, steak tips on day-old fries and look just give him a sloppy plate of starch and dead cow if you need him to shut up.  
-Drinks vodka so cold and over-filtered it tastes like water, then follows it up with extra greasy, burnt-to-hell texas toast while talking about his mother.
-Lactose intolerant.  Please do not feed the rat child pizza. Or chipped beef on toast.  No, not even if he begs.  
~*~
Tyreen
-Abnormally acute senses, especially hearing/smell and including a form of intuition which targets where things she can leech exist nearby.  She’s only aware of any of this in the context of it being different from how Troy’s senses work.  She knows where to get food.  Don’t most people?
-Doesn’t perceive herself as 100% human.  The Leech is part of her and she likes herself.  Mama said she was perfect.  The details are whatever.  You got a problem here? Well, that’s easy to fix… 
-Would have been sorted as a tomboy growing up, but had no companions to do so.  As is, prefers the company of masculine individuals, loves showing people up in a boyish fashion and is absolutely going to tune you out if you start talking to her about the topic.  
-Reeks.  You might smell something “off” with her around in a meeting room, but get her sweaty or worked up and forget it.  It’s not even a human smell.  Petrichor and spray paint, menstrual blood and chlorine, dead leaves and solvent.  It’s chemical, it’s uncannily biological.  It’s really not OK.  She can’t smell it and Troy’s used to it.  
-Doesn’t shave.  Has fluffy armpits that don’t match her dye job and a rather spectacular bush that extends onto her upper thighs.  Does pluck here brows and the witch hairs on her chin, but otherwise, you know what, nah.
-Heavily tattooed, but this is limited to her torso.  The viewing of said tattoos, as well as her scars, is a ritual in her particular CoV.  
--Not that she cares about being naked.  A body is a body.  You people are so uptight.  
-Will reflexively guard her lower stomach before anything else and sometimes in error.  Do not call her on this.  You will piss her off.  
-Has an eye-shaped siren marking, but it’s on her left shoulder blade and she tends to forget it’s there.  More aware of the “pointer mark” underneath her navel.
-Poor tolerance for any drugs.
-Can only ingest salt, sucrose and 80 proof or better clear alcohol without retching.
--Which is to say she doesn’t eat “people food”.  
--Fatty or high-fiber foods tend to make her ill faster.  She could possibly keep tofu or chicken breast down for an hour or more, but it’s still not going to end well.  
--Can and does eat cinder toffee because it’s one of the few things she can chew and digest.  Konpeito is nice too, but sometimes the dye upsets her stomach.  
--Milk, maybe.  Human works better.
-Enjoys swimming or long baths.
-Ambidextrous.  Was either born that way or picked up doing certain things left-handed because that’s what her brother had to work with and she had to show him how to do stuff somehow.
-Good with a forearm-mounted crossbow.  Either hand is fine.
-Used to drool precipitously when she leeched something “good”.  Mostly has a handle on this by the time the CoV gets to be a thing.  Mostly.  
-Deeply immature love language which might include her actually asking to play with her prospective partner and a good bit of bullying.
-SHE IS NOT SHY ABOUT HER NEEDS AND KINKS.  THE HELL WITH YOU.  YOU’RE MAKING SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING.  HOW DARE YOU.  DO YOU WANT TO BE SKAG BAIT ON THE NEXT LIVESCREAM.  UGH. #nottsundereatall
~*~
* The Leech IDed herself as, erm, herself in some stuff I’m not sure I’ll ever post but ANYWAY.
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indomitablemegnolia · 4 years
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I have been dragging this coffin around, like Django, for a while now, and for some reason American politics has to just keep poking at a seeping infected wound; as a psychologist I know that the best way to deal with certain emotions and PTSD is to talk it out, if you can talk past the ragged breaths.  Now I am not much of a talker but I do write; I was thinking that maybe letting this out into the world might help someone or perhaps not fatally wound them by reading. I just know I have been  keeping all of this way too close for way too long. I am going to try to do this so those who don’t want to know can avoid. I do add a bit of fantasy into it as my own default coping mechanism; so it is not just a barrage of horror. There are triggers... physical pain, blood, rape, and political triggers...this is me screaming into the void. If anyone reads this, I would hope that I could inspire a kind word.
Good god, what fresh hell is this? I swear that sometimes I have to just kick this evil darkness, beat it back, strike out with every weapon I have until it bleeds sunlight; oh, and when that first drop of sun falls I have to keep fighting until I am bathed in that healing glow, smearing it over my face, rubbing it in to my soul; reveling in the warmth of the end of a battle well fought and valiantly one worth the effort.  This is always a rough two weeks for me every year for well 19 years now… the tenth falls and it seems some note really minor catastrophe befalls me; there has not been a skip year, a stand out or a delayed year; I will not whine about the past, but for the past three years it has been a political horror show on top of the menial financial, health, or personal failing; I focus on the possible and look up, which usually lands me down a manhole but I can’t change my stripes. In these last three years the shit-show of a congress (and congress is both houses equally guilty) put on these shows of caring and disdain, evil in its fake almost after thought of un-electability. Kavanaugh sent me into a bottomless tailspin; something about a Judge rapist being put on the highest court in the land on the anniversary of my own…attack; not that I think it sits any better in the pit of my stomach any other time of the year, but now… again… and I just can’t breathe, they had made my life all of the things I still struggle to live through… a joke, a pawn, something to leverage each other with… I am sick; politics making life, again, not worth living; nothing mattered, the truth did not matter, their ignorance, their lies did not matter. I find myself feeling rather Wilde; I was left feeling, broken, forgotten, as if I do not belong anywhere; there was nothing to lose myself in and no escape even if there were.
This country, this world, has become such a small, terrible place; I cheat, and I excuse myself, as I escape only by avoiding reality, I love the world that I create; but once there was a moment, out of time, such a terribly long time ago that I bring the memory to life often; for a time I had sunshine, and flowers, mud under my nails and rich coffee and I apologized to no one for who and how and what I am; I live with no thought regularly to why I should not be here and who I should be; yes, I do know that eventually I will die here, being banished to that other world where indeed I know because of the impermanence of life it will be as if I never did exist; every broken molecule of me will parish, every inch, every thought, but one. That molecule, that inch, that thought, its small, its infinitesimal, its worthless if you asked most, but in this world of whit and worry it is the only thing worth having; it is worth all the worlds in all the universes.  I cannot lose it; I can not barter it or sell it and above it all it should never be given away. This world must get better, it must stop getting lost in all the things that are not real, such as money, race, all the false differences we draw between us; there is only one true thing about this world, there is no escape, so make your difference here and now.  I must tell you, now that you see me, you know part of my life, my story and because of that I hope you understand that I Love you.  I love you, despite never knowing your story, we may never meet, never laugh or cry together and I will never kiss or hug you, but I love you as dearly as my universe, as closely as a flesh and blood friend.
I love you.
It has been so many years, I hardly talk about it, but I warn you now this gets a bit graphic, but it is my story; this story is not being told for anyone else's campaign; it is not a #metoo. This is me taking a psychological victory, screaming my pain into this void like echo chamber; I know no one may hear me, and that is fine. This is one of Dante's hells I live in, wrapped deliciously in my favourite personal coping mechanism a piece of detached fiction that reads like a conversation between my super ego and my Id....
I sought freedom, the only freedom to be had in this world, music loud, the delicious truth of life’s simplicity; music is a true elixir, ideally it should be listened to at 60-80 decibels and 70 mph; everything can be made right if you just put the music on and the top down, drive 85 mph on a country road, as if you are trying to out run time itself. The sun low in the western sky; fat fluffy gray clouds float lazily over a layer of black, brooding, formidable clouds rolling in like the undaunting wall of night, mocking the artificial azure sky that lays at the last eighth of the sky, about to be swallowed up. Music playing too loud, I sang atonally along; the cool breeze of autumn playfully ruffled my hair as if I resided in a third visible universe in one place unattached to the storm or the artificial sunny day.  The little silver dream I drove was cutting through the country side; coming up on a slower moving rusted out pick-up truck I worked the gearshift, not laying off the gas, dropping to fourth to pass, galloping ahead hard and fast, leaving the truck behind.
Suddenly, for the first time in ages the world almost made sense, err, I suppose it is awkward saying that because the sense it made was tenuous and momentary at best. Escape possible only by way of ignoring the horrors; after a week like the last, a little sensical nonsense was called for.  I had to get away, I had to distance myself from the news and the bluster, the horrible reality; the reminders that weighed my heart, slammed my soul, obliterated my psyche; in my home, my home, the country I love, whose founding documents read of words like truth and justice; a vicious criminal is appointed to the highest court in the land; a man accused of raping three women; a charge that not so long ago would have precluded his admission; but that was then and this is now, basically more of a wild west, kangaroo, dumb-fuckery idea of conscience; we are now a people who allow the separation of children from parents, to be kept in cages. Now, because of this stupidity, people treating justice like a partisan football; horrible happenings from my past are brought front and center of my subconscious every night as I sleep. Yes, I have read books and listened to tapes as to how to guide dreams, none have prevailed.
Letting my mind wander, it was dangerous; and yes, it circled back to last night’s bout with Fate, Christ, she hit me hard and fast; for a figment of my imagination she really left me bruised, broken, bloody; I can still taste the sickly copper iron flavor of blood in my mouth, my soul limping.  First. she took me on a trek into the past; tiny, horrible, years ago; Jesus, I realize, if this nightmare I carry heavy in my mind were a child it would be graduating high school; oh god, the thought, the kind that should never be thought; after, I was sentenced to a more vile prison, to a sentence more than double theirs, I see no possibility of parole from this place. I feel as if I were slowly being eaten alive; Fate, she held my face to the fire, she made me watch and relive it, over and over and over again.  
I despise the fact something as delicious as this breeze can trigger panic, terror, horror; this feeling was, twice upon a time, in the valley of faded fears, my favourite season, now it sits heavy on me, like a box of babies tears. Though now, it is that recurring nightmare, I try to break free, but as he said in The Godfather ‘every time I think I am out, it drags me back in.’ I feel so pathetic, seriously, I earned my PhD in psychology, trying to outfit myself with all the tools; I should have been able to drown this demon long ago, but alas, I find the zombie bastard can swim; argh, and yes, I know that isn’t possible, no one can fight off all the memories, it's impossible to erase events, for anyone, most especially me.
Out of the blue it seems, a wonderful friend, a friend one which I didn’t know I still had; sadly I assume that I am always left behind, but she sent me in a tailspin of introspection; she asked me simply, 'are you okay?' A real flesh and blood human asked me, she noticed, she pointed out that I am not acting like myself; I have been tearing myself down, doubting the simplest things, I have even, in an odd way, seeking her approval; asking permission to hang my own pieces on my wall, my usual 'it's easier to ask forgiveness, than seek permission', attitude gone.  
Gods, she is right, I know she is right; I am acting weird, different, calling myself stupid, pathetic, worthless; at first it started just stupid, small, subtle... most people bought that I was fine, they never saw it... I think. Anyways, they never called me on it. This friend, this good friend called me on it; I wrote a piece out of my usual character, at first, I loved it; then the next day in a mercurial hissy fit, I ripped into it, then in another flip I apologized for it, I am acting like a kid caught lying, obvious, blatant, guilty. This friend, ah, this beautiful friend called me on all my shit; like that guilty child, my psyche tried to hide it, then I stopped, I looked, really, I am. Then this introspection brought me to the realization that at times, not always, very rarely, I get weird, almost puritanical about sex. Usually I have a very laissez faire attitude; bi, straight, whatever flavour of the lgbtq or any other spectrum, if you get off on it, if you like it, then it's beautiful; there are people I love on all levels of depravity. It may even seem to them that I am a touch prudish because I do not partake, that is fine. Because this friend, this wonderful friend, shined a light, I could again see the bruises fate had left.
Fate had asked me, "so, if it is all good, what gets you off?" With that I was lost, nothing; everything; how was I to know? Of known experiences I have rape (not awesome) and a failed relationship (asshole never understood a thing I said, then tried to recreate experience #1); yup, two times lose on those. I know what I need, no desire, no require; with all the horrible mediocrity in this world that we seem to accept as fair sacrifice, I will not let love be among those. I want epic love, mad, passionate, crazy, undying, span the universes kind of love; anything less will be a poor substitute, meaning I can not, I will not let her take that from me; this is just one of those turns where nothing goes well. She shook me, and god, I had let Fate affect me.
The moment she reared her ugly head was pain. I was lost in a soft dream of sweet remembered soft kisses. Suddenly, a hit to my face, my eye starting to swell; a doubled fist to the gut, air rushed out in a horrible half scream.  A hand wrapped in my hair slamming my head into a stony ground, again, that horrible haunting memory.  Her voice chilling in a predatory growl, she wanted blood. She taunted me, "I KNOW what you wrote, hmmm, I know what you enjoyed, I told you; you can admit it, just to me, no one else is listening;" She ground her hips into mine from behind, "I know that you liked it, you loved it; I wonder, did you reach orgasm? Was it earth shattering? Did you moan like a whore?"  Fate, that horrible bitch, licked up from my jaw to my temple, I stopped the urge to vomit, I felt my hate multiply, but in seconds I felt a turn inward, "You know that the hecklers are still right;" she raked her pelvis suggestively against me, three more thrusts.
"No, but it seems to get you off, dry humping me; hmm is the bitch in heat? So ya like my ass? I have been working out." She slammed my face down into the stone.
I let a painful groan escape, "You like the rough trade."
"Oh yeah," I ground out lifting my head turning to face her, "about as much as I like you."
She laughed cruelly, standing slamming her foot into my kidney. “Look at you, still so pathetic, still that laughing clown punching bag, you are always such fun; there is a lot to be said about consistency," slamming her boot into my jaw.  "If it was not the roughness, the pain, was it the team effort? Now, remind me how many was it that you liked? Four or five? How many holes were the putting it into?" She ground her heel onto my palm, I try to stop the noise, a near scream, "how many holes?"  
I smiled showing my blood outlined teeth, "This many." I held aloft a single middle finger.
Fate came to torture my soul time and again, with unlimited creativity; it has happened more than a few times in recent days; using more taunts, planting more doubts, inflicting more pain; cracking open my soul leaving it weeping and bereft. The more it happened the more I began to believe that she was right; yes, maybe I really enjoyed it; then I didn’t take the moment needed to breathe before I reacted this time out of emotion, gut check. She was right, they were all right; it was all I deserved; I asked for it, I had enjoyed it. Though that moment of introspection given to me by a gorgeous friend, gave me time to recognize this is actually an extreme rendition, interrogation tactic, the kind used in interviews at Gitmo; some good interrogators can even implant false memories, causing false confessions.
I woke from the nightmare; I gathered my own thoughts.  I had to run; I had to hide. I hated; I hated the world and all the people in it, I hated myself and most of all I hated all this wasted time. If I had known Life before would I blame him, hate him… yes, right now, in fact I do.
I drove faster, not even slowing at bends in the road; why was I running? What good could it do? I know can not escape when the horror is inside my own skull. The green leaves starting to turn gold, some starting to age red at the edges. I whisked through the countryside, far too fast; it was liberating. God, this is my favourite season; there is something so sultry and libidinous about fall; I let go of the wheel, raising my arms joyous in the air. The feeling, the smell, the look, it seems to get my heart racing and my mind reeling; in pure celebration of the seasons change, the bite to the wind and the trill of cinnamon to the air, senses that are so much Life, oh me, oh my, oh my favorite things. Dark chocolate, eaten slowly, savored and enjoyed; passionate literature read in a hot bath tub that requires an entry like bugs bunny getting into the boiling cauldron; music, so many lovely perfect kinds of music, hard hitting, rampaging, soothing and truly sensual all appreciated savored and enjoyed… Please, Life... I need you.  Why don't you come? I call to you, I miss you.
Before even fate showed the aphasia really affected my self-confidence; I no longer had my words, I constantly sounded either stupid or drunk or both, that had shaken me to my core; with both of those, it changed my own reactions. Then America, my home, is not helping, the president mocking a rape survivor, his little toadies backing him up. It just tore a hole in my psyche, in my soul, letting all these demons back. This is not me really... but what is me?
For me, after the attack, the police, they never doubted; the bruised and bloody the evidence abounded, they had no trouble even finding the culprits, but the faculty, the students... not so kind... I heard the whispers, they never looked at me, not the real me, I was just a disregarded scrap.
My lips hurt, they were cracked in two places, my ribs were bruised, all making me wonder if Fate was more than just my horrible subconscious. More than the conscience that makes a coward of me; makes me want to run for the shelter of a strong set of arms.  My foot slacks off the gas pedal; I was losing my will to run, I realized that I was not able to run from this kind of mountain.
"Why can't you hear me?!” I yelled at the building clouds so hard my throat ached; they were heavy with rain. I saw the edges of refracted rainbows as they slid slowly in front of the sun.
Soft, so close to my ear, I felt the breath of Life. "But I did."
I swerved, nearly off the road, I screamed, slamming in the clutch not touching the brake, cutting the wheel sharply, putting the car into a full 360 spin, it almost came to a rest.  "Jiminy Cripcity Roosevelt Christmas, man. You could have just killed me." I collected my galloping heart, letting the clutch out in 3rd gear screeching off the tires. He laughed, his words sunk in slowly, I understood his words and they angered me, I slid the gearshift into 4th, without the clutch; "Yeah, right, you heard me, sure.  So, what you are saying that as usual when the world begins using me for a toilet brush, I am on my own; lemme guess, all for character building I am sure. Just go, I do not need you anymore.  Just get out." I leaned into the gas, not caring the speed, anger making my eyes begin to run.
"What the hell was that?" He reached his hand over, gripping mine, "wound a little tight their honey; let’s get you relaxed” he started rubbing the inside of my wrist, my breathing slowed. "I wish, with every ounce of power I have, I wish I could have come when I heard your cries, they caused an ache in me so cutting so horrible, I cried. I don't know how I heard you or how I am here now."
"Yeah, yeah, sure." I jeered my hand waving him away. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye, his expression was so hurt, “God, I shouldn't have mocked... I’m just angry, but not at you,” I took a long breath, “I am sorry" I whispered, easing off the gas.
"Then just stop, pull off the road, talk to me."
I sighed seeking that cognitive reset.  "Okay." There was a wooded turn out just ahead.  I pulled the car over, stalling out, killing the engine. I rolled my eyes internally; it has been ages since I stalled out.  I swiped the little tears away. "So, what? What is it that you want?" My jaw set. "What?"
He sighed, seeing this was going to be an uphill battle; he reached for my hand bringing the palm to his lips; instantly my jaw slacked, and air rushed from my lips, "I missed you." He kissed the tender pad of my palm. "I know you have been in pain. Tell me what caused it; tell me haunts you." His fingers still softly drawing hypnotic circles on my wrist.
"Ah, pain, but where to start? We could do a chronological study into the beginning of pain; it might take a while."  I try to sound unbothered.
"Where this pain, your pain, the one that has had you screaming, where that pain started." His face so beautifully earnest, and there is an importance to being earnest.  “Please…” he breathed
"Words, it always begins with words, then those sticks and stones; they come hard."
He let one hitched chuckle out, "Wow, what a cop out." He dared.
I breathed again, then let it out slow, "Dammit really?” he nodded, “shit, with this whole 'legitimizing rape' floating around, taking even the one recourse for a victim of said crime has if it takes an unlucky turn. They have the audacity to mock and berate a survivor of a crime, I have seen them, mock hurricane victims, the disabled, they come just shy of saying that they want all of us defectives to die they put a rapist on the high court, now this monstrosity that will end my only piece of mind. My…" he held up his hand.
Clicking of his tongue stopped me. "No, not what I asked for Joan of arc, I was asking for the story, for this pain I see in your eyes, not a history of the worlds ills. I want your story."
"Eg, yeah, but that’s not important, it's really not even worth telling."
"Just stop; stop with the bullshit, stop deflecting; I want to hear your story, please, just tell me the goddamned story.” He gritted his teeth, “sorry, but I hate when you make light of yourself; you are making fun of my favourite person in the world, I am sorry just, please, just tell me."
"Cheese and crackers man, it is a horrid little pathetic thing. But fine." I take a breath, “Shit, my story…" I could not form the words. "hey, what’s better I could just tell you the tale of the little engine that should have known better, but still did it anyway.”
"No," he watched me closely, not letting his impatience show "I want to know your story, your pain, please."
"Shit, shit, shit, OK, shit... dammit," I hit the steering wheel, I pressed my forehead into the hard surface of the wheel, "but don't say I didn't warn ya. Shit” minutes passed, I said nothing.
He reached over holding my shoulders, "Honey, nothing that would make you too nervous to say, could be a waste of time, you are that fearless girl that never holds her tongue. Trust me, I think I can help." His thumb rubbed tenderly.
"I am neither fearless, nor am I a girl; I am a right old horrible spinster," I huffed, I fiddled with my fingers. I looked in his eyes; “I am" I stopped gathering my thoughts; "I don’t think you will like this as well as you think; I know what will happen after its all out, so, I must preface with a goodbye, you have been lovely. I know your opinion of me will slip; you won't want to know me after I finish, so thank you." He looked doubtful, but I knew, gods, I will miss him. "Before I start, I want to say, even if it means nothing to you, if no one ever tells you, I love you." A tear streaked from my eye, "What am I? Nothing," he shook his head vigorously, "look at me, I know most don’t think much of me, red round cheeks and usually a smile, no makeup and holes in my jeans; I have been told many, many, times after having conversations with people that my Naivety was endearing, but if I had ever encountered the real world my outlook would become as jaded as theirs. I may act like I have encountered nothing but sweetness and light in a noodle salad life, but that is far from the truth. I believe that you can encounter the worst that life has to offer and choose your reaction to it. You can stop believing in the world around you or you can continue to believe in kindness, understanding, and trust. Some say it is just denial, burying my head in the sand that allows me think that life is still what we make it… I Laugh and Laugh… If they knew what this girl, well, shit, here you go. Enough wasting time, I will get down to it. It's a shit story..." I wiped my hands down my face, the a swipe under my nose with the bad of my hand, then on my thighs, "shit," I sighed out, “Too many years ago it was a bright sunny day; a warm fall morning with a light breeze. I was worried about a calculus test; the biggest thing on my mind were cos A and sin B. I was on the phone ironing out a scheduling problem; I was talking to my internship mentor on the first cell phone in my family, dad got it for my safety because of my commute 90 miles to school. Jabbering on about what, I don’t even remember, I reached into the back seat for my bag. Sighing and hanging up the phone, preparing for the day ahead, or so I thought." I took a steadying breath, I had evaded long enough; I couldn’t meet his gaze, I just stared straight ahead out the windshield. "Suddenly, horribly brutality was introduced into my life; the surprise really isn’t as horrible as the feeling of helplessness; I was still bent closing the door with my hip I started to heft my book bag; my head caved in the rear door of my car; you should have seen it, truly impressive the damage a cranium can do." I remain in this protective tone, details curtailed "I was knocked out cold; I slowly came out of my haze I felt pain, searing horrible pain, but not my head, I heard ripping material;  I smelled blood my blood; flying back to reality and I know what is happening, the animal grunting and horrible rhythm; pain, it’s between my legs; no one had ever been there before;" I heard Life take a savage breath, it was nice to know someone cared, even if it was just for show.  I wiped the dampness from my face again.
"They raped me, I did not count or really anything." I tried to laugh it off, "they beat me, pulled my hair, god, one stood one foot on my head so I couldn’t move and urinated on my face as that other one finished, they called me whore, and cum bucket, and worse; every part of my body was used and abused; I lost, my hands blindly flail, I try to kick. I was savaged by animals I use the term loosely. They ransacked my car as they took turns, seeing my viola in the trunk and to punish me for fighting they crushed my left hand, they kicked me, beat my head into the pavement repeatedly. When they had finished with me and my car, the cruelest one of them, pulled the scarf wrapped around my neck and strangled me, they murdered me, and I do have to say part of me did die. As they did they laughed, god, they laughed, horrible laughs, they creep into my conscious when anything goes awry. I lost consciousness, I guess they assumed I died, I woke, I don’t know how much time passed, but I woke in a pool of blood and …err other, I got in my car and drove to the security station on the bottom level… yeah." I shook. He rubbed my hand; I pulled away quickly, I could have spit on him, but it was not him the anger belonged to. "What is madness but nobility of soul, at odds with circumstance?"  
"My god, I was expecting bad, but my… my heart, it is broken” ready to face the loss of him, I turned, I watched his face as the light died in the low, dark, rain swollen clouds; a delicate falling rain drank in the dusk; it felt like it swallowed my misery whole and for that I was grateful; shrouded in silence, the branches of the trees above wrapped me in their stoic peace. Shadows fell across us the boundaries lost their edges, as the borders were erased, once again the wonder if I had ever really existed. His presence was always so elegantly reassuring, and still I had to remind myself it was not him I was so mad at.
"Yeah, so, how was that for a hard luck story? The first time I have told anyone since I left the police station. Not exactly Disney Channel friendly, but I am waiting to hear back from lifetime." I laughed; the sound was hollow.  "Peachy side, I didn't end up knocked up or diseased; so, maybe the universe heard that plea."  I sniffed, my frustration returning.  He trailed his hand lightly down my damp cheek.  I flinched away, shy, stupid, embarrassed, "pretty pathetic, huh?"
He shook his head. "Shh, stop that please, you don’t have to mock yourself in that Cyrano de Bergerac style you always use; you are not beating me to a punch line, I was never going for one” he ran his hands over his face, “did you not hear your story? My heart is broken." I tried to look away; his gentle hands coaxed my gaze back.  "I heard a story of survival, those monsters tried to end you; here you are, fight intact, undaunted, truly indomitable, the rest just damaged facia."
I looked in his eyes, "Fate has been taunting, mocking me, whispering that I liked the assault,” I stopped, hesitating, “that has me doubting everything."
His face skeptical, eyebrow raised, "And you believe those taunts?" He shook his regal head.
Temper sparked, "kind of,” I stopped, feeling stupid, I bristled, “I do, okay. So what?"
"Why?" He cajoled. "Really, tell me why; the whole truth answer." He sat back like Cesar at the gladiator games, "hold nothing back, I can take it."
Apparently, he was satisfied that I was soundly kicking my own ass. "I wrote out, an imaginary tryst, you and I, we were on a boat, it was just delicious, an escape, there was a touch of rough to it... some of the details were... similar to... that." my voice stopped working.  "I liked it a lot, but then I got overwhelmed, confused; how can I like that, without liking the other.  The reality of that implication," I sniffed, fluttering my hands; that horrible weird guilt weighing my soul, I knew it was just my own psyche, but it was horrendously irresistible; I stopped I gave up; "shit, now you know; you know… everything why I am so deplorable... grotesque... disgusting." I rolled my eyes closed, I concentrated on my breathing, minutes clicked by finally I opened them, expecting that he had blew away on the breeze.
I met his gaze, I saw no pity, no disgust; I saw him, just Life.   Confused, I searched further, still none.
"You are not. You know better than most that feelings can be deception; sex, isn't just soft, isn't just rough, it is never one flavour; it is the connection, the intention." He ran his hands through my hair. Pressing it back behind my ear the way I like it.  "Honey, there is no equation between your rape and having a touch of rough in a fantasy. It does not mean you liked being helpless, beaten, or broken, the intention there was viciousness; there was no connection there, no trust" he sighed.
I gave a derisive chuckle, "right."
He dropped my hand, pulling away, gaining my full attention. "You apparently have made up your mind not just for you but also what I would think; you really must be magic; I think you would be surprised by what I think.”
I let a derisive chuckle out, “Sure because you are some kind of paragon.”
“I wouldn’t say paragon, but I heard every word you said. It made me so mad that you would think that way about you.”  I rolled my eyes.  He growled, and good god something in me was listening, something found the sound so delicious that it made me tingle; I scanned his eyes, there was still softness there. “Honey, look, I heard a story of an invasion, a horrible, massive invasion. I don't care if you were splayed naked on a table saying, 'come and get it big boy, give it to me hard,'” I let a snerk of laughter out at the idea. “if it was not the specific person you were talking to; that was an invasion. You cannot discount a rougher, needy kind of love making; accepting carnal love rougher more animal in its display requires trust in the intention of the other party, it is not simply the actions; Accepting love rougher, that act of trust is never more shameful or dirtier; it is a communication telling the other party, I trust you to be just this much, but no more; the instant you voice a dislike and it continues it becomes the other; it’s all up to you, whatever is pleasing to you, only you. There is no right, there is no wrong, no disgusting or dirty; sex is all about the feeling, expressing.” I understood what he was trying to say, but I really didn’t want to hear it, I knew he was trying to placate me, I tried to ignore him; “Don't be like a velvet glove cast in iron, dealing only in absolutes." I had to look away, “love is love, is love, is love, and it all matters” the storm gaining strength, he released the top and pulled it up; kissing the top of my head as he passed. "Sweeting, the space between absolutes..." he sighed, "remember, you said that is where you had chosen to live, you were right, it is the place where life happens." He ran his hands through his hair; his frustration evident, then a light hit his eyes; "I would really like to read this fantasy, curiosity leads me to wonder," he chuckled, "I just wonder if it would match up to any of mine." I shot him a skeptical look. “oh, honey; I have had so many fantasies since the first time you appeared.”
I had no words to say, I just sat watching him, waiting for the change.
He sat, looking at me, the storm began to rage, much like the maelstrom that had been inside me for so long; I pulled the piece up on my phone handing it to him. We were more than damp, I noticed I had been shivering; for how long, no one knows. I sat watching the storm split the sky; I started the car, flipping a bitch, starting back in the opposite direction; he was deeply ensconced in my words, he reached over with out looking up, turning on the heat, directing the vents at me.  
I shot him a look, just a glance; but what I saw. God, the power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that I had never believed in its power; no one now dares to say that two beings have fallen in love because they looked at each other. Yet, an unguarded look can tell you so much, love, despise, languor and fear; tenderly in his exquisite look, I saw the most gorgeous thing, understanding; an acceptance.  I was astonished, I was bewildered, dizzy, in a daze; I still did not understand, I began wondering what universe he was from... My stomach panged, rumbling as loud as the storm, I ignored it.
"Hey, can you pull in up there, you need something to eat." There was a neon sign in the distance, that advertised barbeque, I was surprise he could even see if as he didn’t look up from my words. I pulled in, reading the sign that promised barbecue and drinks, after all it was Texas, a bourbon sounded just right. I pulled in and parked; I was a numbed, near depressed but electrified, dumbfounded, impressed and slightly aroused; all the roiling emotions had my jaw clenched, I was disassociated, separated, on autopilot. My feet moving me through the rain, but I was a cloud of confused emotion; a stranger in a strange land; emotion was not my wheelhouse. Wandering idly toward the door; passing the columns, he gripped my shoulders almost punishingly. He spun me to face him, his face dark and serious, I began shivering, he pressed me to the wall. His face serious, but the passion burned; again, that growl, it hit the bottom of my stomach, warming, making my legs shake; he kissed me, suddenly, deeply, no warmup, no cuddling into my lips just immediately lips and tongue.  Tucking his knee between my legs pressing hard, soft mewling left my throat caught in his mouth.  He pinned my arms to my sides I tried to touch him, but he wouldn’t yield, he wanted to kiss me, his way; and yes, I liked it, he ran his tongue along the roof of my mouth, I moaned softly into his mouth, rocking gingerly against his knee; the visceral feeling. He started to deepen the kiss even more, his knee caressing, moving with intention. A quiet shudder rocked me.  He sucked in a deep controlling breath, resting his forehead against mine, staring deeply into my eyes; I shook like a leaf as we parted. Shaking I clung to his shoulders.
"Now, kitten, did you feel my intention, to bring you pleasure?" I nodded, "was there pleasure?" I bit my lip, a small smile creeped, I nodded. "You know, the fact that you know the horrible purity of absolute, pure despair; doesn’t mean that is all there is in this universe." He kissed me again, faintly. He passed his fingertips over my skin, almost without touching an experience that neither of us had expected or experienced before, the miracle of feeling myself in another body, "Now, did you feel that?"
"Yes," I whispered, I was shadow pinned against a sweating wall; needing more, my soul pleading for more, but I was frozen; "Oh there was a moment there; oh me, oh my; as you began a whisper of that kiss; clearer than any whispered words; god there was something there that makes it all worthwhile; that was the edge, hmm, the edge is what I have; truth of this fiction, it's the edge of flavour that makes the difference.” I giggled, “there was a time when I would speak words that made sense." I giggled.
"Yes. But what truth is there in sense?" He laced my fingers with his and pulled me after him; we walked in me confused actually wanting to go back to being pinned to that wall, we walked in.  The waitress took us to a booth; I slid in first, I gasped in surprise as he slid in next to me on the same bench. He ordered me a bourbon and an order of fries; I sat there blinking, he then turns me to face him, he leans in close whispering deep and low; his breath warm on my neck, "When we are young we felt we are invincible; as we age we find ourselves, second guessing, always thinking twice." As he spoke, he planted little kisses on my neck; “I am done with that, I thought I was done paying my dues, same for you; now, I find that I have something I do not want to lose. The day you came into my life I changed again, fear still there, but also a cacophony of joy, both at odds, now every day now is just a grateful roll of the dice." His hands skimmed over my arms as they draped around his neck, freely delicious. "I look at that, it is working; you are starting to hear me; I like you, feel powerless in the lonesome times, thinking to myself 'dear god what have I done?' But with you here..." biting the edge of my ear, "you can run baby, you can try to hide, but whatever comes it will find you. For us, there is now; yesterday is history, an hour from now, no one knows for sure; but baby right now it's just you and me and that kiss, it said a lot." He turned me to face him.
Our drinks and fries came and I took a long drought, I laughed cuddling close, I felt young, I felt alive, and I really had never felt that way, “Are we mad?" he looked wounded, "but the good madness, the change the world madness."
"I want to just hold you tight; right now, we can make this moment last; don't think about anything other than helping you forget about the past, for just a moment if needs be." His kissed me slow, long deep caresses with his tongue; I tried to match him, I was awkward at first, but he led me in a natural rhythmic motion.
I missed feeling him, tasting him, gods, it was like breathing. I kissed him with everything I had. "You know, your fantasy, it was gorgeous." He kissed me again, his hands cupping my cheeks, tilting my face for a new angle. He broke from my mouth kissing down my neck. "I have sailed a 20-foot catch; I have had some very similar thoughts, but I loved that very forward confident you that you wrote."
I fumbled with my hands trying to make him feel some of what I was. "Have you really imagined us together as well?"  My fingers sliding through his hair. He nodded, “I kind of assumed you were so out of my league."
He laughed, the sound rippled along my nerves; "oh, kitten, you have no idea who you actually are. Yes, I have, so many things I have fanaticized about."
I pulled away to see his eyes, they held no lie; "Even now?... after?"
He looked shocked, "Especially now." He said with conviction.
"Tell me one," I was breathless.
He held my had looking into my face, "Happily, but I would rather show you. I long to grab your hand and run to the motor inn across the parking lot, get a room." I looked out the window over his shoulder gnawing on my kiss swollen bottom lip.
"Mmm, story first," I stood firm.
"OK then, well, I suppose I could tell you about the one where you are the aggressor; holding me down using me as you will." He shook his head, "no, the one where I am the aggressor, holding you down? Kissing you slowly, teasing your nerves, dipping my fingers into you, feeling you shiver; nah, you don't look keen on that, eating chocolate ice cream off of your skin;” I really shivered, “maybe another time; I suppose, I could tell you about how I dreamt of kissing you, teasing you, then bend you over this table licking all the way up the back of you thigh and... no, no, not that one. Kitten, come here." He pulled my leg up so he could slide closer, fitting just between. "You have to use your imagination; I dream of laying you down, kissing you so hard, it takes your breath away; I want to make out with you like a teenager out passed curfew." He caressed my trembling bottom lip with his thumb. "I would get lost in your kisses; intoxicating, enticing, articulate, telling me exactly what you want, how you want it; using only the tip of your tongue you draft a treatise." He toyed with my hair idly, my eyelids began to sag half-mast; passion building in my body, "Wowzah, that scorching look in your eyes, so intent, you are so Wildely beautiful; why, oh why do you squash that want, fighting it like a foe, a weakness; please, just... let it free."
His hand began caressing my neck, I could not have stopped myself from rolling my head, so my neck was wide open for his lips. His tongue. "I love kissing your neck, licking, taking little bites, right here." His fingers wisping passed the place where neck meets shoulder, my bones melted; he smiled mischievously, shot me a naughty look wiggling get his brows. He slid his fingers along my neckline, his touch whisper soft; his voice low, rumbling, deep, "deliberately I descend along your succulent curves;" my body raising to meet his fingers, straining for attention. "I watch you arch your back, just like that; I can't take my time learning; your heaving breasts wanton for attention, nipples like diamonds," oh and they are, his two fingers caress along the crevice between my breasts. My breathing hitched, coming in soft pants, his eyes gorgeous reverent. "I reveal the state in which I see your nerves are in; rampaging, greedy, alive for just a whisper of a touch; oh, but I want more" he sunk in closer, enjoying the slight shake of my shoulders. His hot mouth kisses just behind my ear, his tongue licking along my skin; his lips playing with the cords in my neck as I let out a sighing moan, just a solitary note; his fingers toying with the area of my soft sweater, just over my the area of my nipple. "Your belly covered with barely visible downy hairs, soft, soft, so soft;" he slipped his fingers of his other hand up under the hem of my sweater, just above my waistband; his first hand dropping to my thigh, dipping between rubbing with soft curious fingers; the nail of his wide thumb, scraping along the seam between; "they are standing up because of the goose bumps I just made."  His fingers velvet soft over my skin, I try clamped my thighs together he keeps that from happening.  "Pushing passed the band of your jeans, I reach for what I crave the most." His second hand skimming a rougher scratching fingernail along the seam; his other fingers just trace along the skin along the edge of the bottom of my bra, his lips kissed along my neckline.  "I would make you moan," I squirmed, "I would form a symphony of your empassioned calls, all the delicious sounds of satisfaction; I will be ruthless in my intent, pleasure my only goal; releasing you from the past, my hope. I know you will want to run, to escape, but at the same time you will be wanting more;" he pulled back, "more; look at you, breathtaking, deliciously titillated. Your cheeks flushed, you lips slightly parted; eyes glossy, erotic, steamy, fervid, seductive, coaxing, shameless; saying every want your lips refuse." Pulling at the hem of my sweater, "I want to slip my hand under your panties, sliding my fingers across your damp skin.  God, I have wanted that for so long" His fingers ghost over my skin, reaching the edge of my satin bra; his lips crashed into mine, his kiss demanding, delicious, scalding; his hand enveloping my breast; his thumb rubbing delicately, I react honestly. I grabbed his wrist of his hand that was resting on my thigh, pulling his fingers to my mouth, sucking. The clench in my belly responding to his hand slipping under my bra. I pull away, gasping; I stand, dropping a ten on the table.
"Shit, I am sorry," his breath laboured, his face recalcitrant, "I pushed too far, too fast; I am sorry; so, where are we off to?" He looked disappointed, sad.
"Well, I decided, you are right," viciously, I let that hang in the air; “you should just show me.  Our direction, over there," I pointed out the window to the inn.
He looked like a child at Christmas, he grabbed my arm tossing me over his shoulder, I giggle and squeal, he moved quickly to the door. We were out and across the parking lot swiftly, he was running; the rain drenching us; he dropped me to my feet under the awning. "I'll be right back."
I watched him fill out the forms, pay the woman, and he bounded back.  "We will make, new experiences, giving you back all the power. Let’s roll." Pulling me over his shoulder again; I squealed, I laughed; he slapped my rump, I moaned.
And outside it was October Country . . . that country where it is late in the year and everyone is tired and waiting for that one good thing to break; country where the amber hills covered in fog, rivers are mist and ice; where noon shortly proceeds sundown, twilights linger, and mid-night’s stay; geese and dusks on their parade to the south; dilled carrots and jams are lined into cellars, sweaters, coats, jackets, are cycled to the front of closets, boots and gloves to the entry way, coffee and tea served hot and steamy with fresh cookies and it seems for a season everything faces away from the sun. October people, think October thoughts and wish that the Christmas stuff would remain hidden for another season, and passing nights, cool, bundled in warm socks and a large sweater walking or listening to the light rain on the tin roof hoping the winter doesn’t kill hope
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aaaanathaniel · 3 years
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It took the guards some time to open his cell, as ice had formed inside the lock.
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beansprean · 1 year
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Except they all look good, damn.
(ID in alt and under cut, ref under cut)
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ID: 1. Colin, Nandor, Laszlo, and Guillermo standing in a line against a wall with patterned wallpaper, wearing drag. Colin has on a drab 70s businesswoman look, with a plaid knee length skirt, beige blazer with shoulder pads, a cream silk blouse with a neck bow, a single string of pearls, a flat cap with a feather, cat eye glasses, subtle makeup, and a shoulder length brown feathered wig. He is holding a brown leather clutch in one hand and standing up straight, staring. Nandor has on a sleeveless brick-colored turtleneck with a heart shaped cutout at the chest, a thick brown belt, leather miniskirt, dark gray stockings helps up with garters, two gold bracelets, and gold hoop earrings. His hair is down, curled into big waves, and he has dark dramatic eye makeup on with dark red lipstick. He is grinning seductively at the viewer, hands clasped in front of him demurely with his butt angled out. He didn't bother shaving his legs or chest for this, as a treat. Laszlo is dressed in a pale pink silk nightie with a bit of ruffle at the neckline making up both thin shoulder straps. He has a long string of pearls and glittery dangly earrings, his hair is swept back from his forehead, and he is wearing soft dusky pink eyeshadow with baby pink lipstick. He smiles at the viewer like they're his good lady wife come to ravish him, strap falling off one shoulder, that hand gliding up his opposite arm demurely as his free hand clutches the material of his nightie to pull it up his angled thigh. Guillermo stands with arms crossed, looking self conscious, wearing a green v neck sweater over a collared shirt and pleated miniskirt. He is wearing his normal glasses and pantyhose but no visible jewelry, and has on a dark wig with shoulder length curls and bangs. His makeup is not overly heavy but well done: a shimmering brown over his eyes and a dusky reddish-pink on his lips, expertly lined to bring out their shape. Overlaid on the image, each man's face is circled in red. Text pointing to Colin and Laszlo reads "doing it for the bit (world's dullest drag show and secksy roleplay, respectively)". Text pointing to Nandor reads "doing it for the bit but looks good doing it (discovering things about himself)". Text pointing to Guillermo reads "that is a woman. (guy who's good at everything)"
2. Original version of this image; a photo from the 80s of the band Queen wearing similar drag, with text overlaid pointing to john deacon and bryan may saying "doing it for the bit", pointing to freddie mercury and saying "doing it for the bit but looks good doing it", and pointing to roger taylor and saying "that is a woman" /end ID
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techcrunchappcom · 4 years
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New Post has been published on https://techcrunchapp.com/jcc-continuing-instruction-successfully-despite-statewide-outbreaks-news-sports-jobs/
JCC continuing instruction successfully despite statewide outbreaks | News, Sports, Jobs
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Photo by Cameron Hurst Olivia Surma, a second-year nursing student from Dunkirk, works at one of the many check-in tables on the Jamestown Community College campus. Students are required to fill out a health screening virtually and are given a colored wristband each day in order to proceed to in-person classes.
JAMESTOWN — Each day Daniel DeMarte walks the campus of Jamestown Community College.
It’s important, he says, to be seen by the college’s community especially during the present circumstances — circumstances in which doing so also gives him the chance to reinforce the rules.
“I’m watching, I’m looking and I’m paying attention,” the college’s president since 2018 said. “I like to think that, that helps — that I’m seen, that I’m visible.”
Students not adhering to the safety guidelines borne of COVID-19 are few and far between on this college campus, said DeMarte, which has only reported one confirmed positive case of COVID-19 since the beginning of the semester in late August.
“Occasionally, I’ll see someone with a mask that’s not on properly or they don’t have it on and I’ll gently remind them that we’re all responsible for safety on campus,” he said. “I’ll say to a student, ‘The last thing I need is your mom calling me because you’re sick only to find out that you didn’t have a mask on. Help me avoid that situation.’”
That compliance hasn’t been the case at sister institutions across the State University of New York system: member colleges and universities at Oneonta, Buffalo and across the state saw outbreaks a week into the semester with the former suspending in-person instruction for the duration of the fall semester.
SUNY Fredonia, located north of JCC, reported upwards of 80 cases within a 14-day period, coming close to the 100-case threshold that may have forced instruction to be transitioned to online.
Still, he calls the situation on his campus “fluid” — “There’s a level of unpredictability that requires us to adapt to the situation, there’s a certain level of uncertainty.” And as a result, the campus — usually the heartbeat of the city’s east side — is quiet.
“There’s barely anyone walking around campus this year, so it has a very eerie feeling about it,” said David Talkington, a second-year student pursuing an associate’s degree in environmental science. “There’s also no events, no gym, no sports and no club activities for students. It’s almost as if the college experience doesn’t exist.”
Olivia Surma, a second-year nursing student from Dunkirk who also serves as a resident assistant, agrees.
“So far (the semester) has been going OK, although it does feel a little weird,” Surma said. “It’s definitely a lot more difficult as far as planning events and reaching out to the residents. We have to get super creative with events so a lot of mine are over Zoom this semester.”
Still, being on campus in some form is better than the alternative to some students. Grace Heim, an occupational therapy student who commutes from Westfield, said the transition to online learning last semester was difficult.
“I am the type of person that has to learn hands on and see things being done so that was extremely challenging for me,” she said. “However, it did push me out of my comfort zone and made me learn things in a way that I had not done before and was not comfortable with doing.”
Now Heim is on campus four days a week for her courses. The protocols the college has taken make her feel safe, she says.
“I definitely feel safe on campus. “ she said. “We are always warned about changes or alerted with new information so I feel as if everything is very open to us and we are in the loop about what is happening all of the time.”
“It feels like they have definitely done well with accommodating as best as they could with the current situation so we can get the most out of the “college experience,” Surma said. “They did restart clinicals in the hospital and my labs are able to be in person with a set occupancy, which is very beneficial to me.”
“Everyone wears their mask like they are supposed to and I frequently see janitor staff cleaning throughout the buildings,” said Jessica Mattice, who commutes to the Cattaraugus County campus in Olean from Little Genesee. “There are also many hand sanitizing stations throughout campus. As long as the rules are followed and people are mindful, I feel that there will not be many issues.”
Those protocols have been something DeMarte has worked on with his cabinet each day since the pandemic forced the college to shut down in-person instruction on March 17 for ultimately the rest of the semester.
“Having that much time in it, we have a list of protocols that have been shared widely internally and externally so that by now, the fourth week into the semester, I think it’s becoming sort of second nature,” he said. “Students have been appreciative that they can be on campus.”
He knows the circumstances are not ideal.
“But, at the same time, they’re not losing momentum pursuing their education,” he said. “Eventually it will look like it did — in time. They don’t need to stop if they don’t want to. They’re going to continue to offer courses and programs as we have.”
Mattice is the mother of two children and works two jobs. She’s grateful to be able to continue her education. While the “learning from home” part of the hybrid model is a challenge, she’s grateful for the small perks it is able to provide.
“Having more space to take notes and being able to get up and get a snack (is a nice perk),” she said. “If one of (the children) needed to stay home because they were sick that would also be a perk to having classes online.”
Still, the fear of another shutdown still is in the back of students’ minds — especially those who are far away from home. Anzhelika Mutygulina is a nursing student from Russia. Upon returning for her second year in August, she had to quarantine for 14 days. “The last four felt like years, not days.”
“The outbreak possibility does worry me a lot, because I am an international student and JCC is my home at this point,” she said. “I won’t be able to go back home, and even if I do, it will be hard to come back to the United States to finish me degree. If they have to shut down campus, other students like me and I will have to find a new place to live, which is not very easy at this time.”
Other issues remain: the college had to close a $4 million deficit after last fiscal year that affected staffing and tuition. Talkington notices the strain on his professors.
“(Staff) are still seeing continuous hourly cuts, which limits a lot of the help students need,” he said, noting that his tuition and housing costs went up. “Also, certain professors are seeing more workload than ever before, making it just that much harder on them. The school is short-staffed. … For students, we are paying more but receiving less than a return for our investment.”
“We had a huge gap to close in our budget,” DeMarte said, noting that SUNY leaders all over the state had to cut costs in different ways. “There was no way for us to close the size of that deficit without looking at every conceivable thing that we could in helping to draw down and get through this fiscal year. A small piece of it was tuition. There were lots of other pieces and most of them larger than tuition.”
He added, “While we didn’t like this, we have done other things. Where we can control cost, we will. I’ll also tell you that this college provides a lot of scholarship money, more than any other place than I’ve been and that’s great and that has not subsided in the pandemic. We still have scholarship money that we’re giving out and the aid that students still have access to.”
DeMarte is convinced that the college can outlast this crisis.
“Yes, we’re in a pandemic, but it’s such a part of our nature and part of our culture to find ways to solve problems, to be resourceful, to work through whatever situation is in front of us,” he said. “That’s the mentality. That’s the attitude and that’s true here. People come to work and they want to help. They want this place to survive and they want to do their part in helping.”
Students, meanwhile, are just grateful to be back in class.
“I really do feel that JCC is doing its best to provide students safe environment on campus and give them opportunity to complete their degree in such a hard time the world is going through right now,” Mutygulina said.
“I enjoy being in person so much more than being online,” Heim said. “I love what I am studying, I love being with my classmates, and I love being able to learn hands-on.”
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g5b3ysjw-blog · 5 years
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geekade · 7 years
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Rising from the Crypt: Only Sin Deep
Geekade’s 31 Days of Halloween steamrolls into week four of Rising from the Crypt with the fourth episode (but only second night) of the seminal Tales from the Crypt TV series. Dr. AzarRising here, and we’re gearing up to watch a story about a desperate prostitute… I wonder, do people become hookers out of anything besides desperation? Does anyone choose that lifestyle just for kicks? Is there anyone out there that enjoys turning tricks so much that they get into that life and forsake their PhD for the hell of it? I’m sorry, where was I? That’s right Gravediggers, and Undertakers, a prostitute that believes she’s found a way out of that line of work, but at what cost?
Tales from the Crypt
Season 1 Episode 4 “Only Sin Deep”
Directed by Howard Deutch
Starring Lea Thompson, Britt Leach, Brett Cullen
Originally aired: June 14th 1989
Sourced from: Haunt of Fear #24
Before we get into the episode, a bit of pop gossip; the director Howard Deutch (The Replacements, The Whole Nine Yards, Pretty in Pink) married the star of this episode a little over a month after it originally aired. In my head, that means he hired Lea Thompson as a hooker, loved her so much in that role, that he married her. Sadly after a little bit of research, I found they had met on set two years prior.
With that disappointment out of the way, let the episode begin. Lea Thompson (Back to the Future franchise and Howard the Duck) plays a prostitute obsessed with her looks who has designs to get out of the life. Her plan is to fake being rich so she can snag a wealthy playboy. “How does she do this?” you may ask. First, I’d say "calm your tits." Obviously I’m going to tell you, that’s the point of this review. Secondly, I’d say "not very intelligently." Although she works freelance and has no pimp of her own, she kills the pimp of her hooker friend, steals his jewelry and money, then tries to sell it at a pawn shop.
The Pawnshop owner, Britt Leach, another of those actors that appeared in every TV show of the 80’s but nothing of significance, refused to buy anything because he knows they were all stolen. Instead he offers to buy her beauty. Weary of the offer, the hooker (Sylvia Vane) nonetheless accepts the deal because of the hefty payment attached.
He creates a cast mold of her face while doing some weird voodoo incantation that she couldn’t hear. He says she has four months to cancel the deal. It’s shown that he keeps his dead wife’s decrepit decaying body on display in the back of the shop, and that he’s going to use Sylvia’s beauty to make her look beautiful again (not bring her back to life or anything)
Sylvia uses her newfound wealth to treat herself to a spa day, buys a ‘nice’ dress (that’s actually rather ugly) and rents a limo to take her to the location of a fancy penthouse party that she’s able to enter simply because she looks good and has an expensive dress on.
Using her super-hooker powers to seduce the bachelor who is throwing the party, Sylvia begins a relationship with him. Living the life she wanted, she couldn’t be happier, until she begins noticing wrinkles on her face that weren’t visible days ago.
Her new beau goes away for several days for work, so she visits a doctor who says there’s nothing medically wrong with her, and asks if she was exposed to anything new or strange recently. This is when she remembers the pawnshop and the deal she made. She returns to the shop and demands she get her looks back. Unfortunately, she missed her deadline. He offers to return her beauty for $10k.
Sylvia returns to her apartment with the rich boyfriend and begins raiding all the various jewelry he’s given her, and pilfers for any money he has lying around. He returns from work while she���s destroying the penthouse apartment, and unable to recognize her because she’s grown so old, he threatens to call the cops.
She shoots him dead, and takes whatever valuables he has on his body. In doing so, she forgets the gun next to him.
The following day, Sylvia returns again to the pawn shop, and gives the owner all of the jewelry and money in order to get her looks back. But he asks if she truly wants to do that, since the young Sylvia is currently wanted for the murder of her boyfriend, and her picture has been posted everywhere. The dead wife is shown, looking beautiful again because of Sylvia’s face mold, as well as several others
A cop friend of the owner walks into the shop, asking if he heard about the playboy death, and talks about how the prints on the gun already had a record from her prostitution days. Overhearing this, Sylvia knows she can’t return to her previous life and steals the bust made of her face.
On the streets of the city, Sylvia is bumped by her hooker friends from the beginning of the episode, and she drops the mold, breaking when it hits the pavement.
On to the rating…
Not a bad episode. I feel like the thing that hurt it the most was Lea Thompson’s acting. She played the least sexy hooker ever put to film. She made the voice extra deep, trying to sound like a tough Brooklynite (because that was a thing in the 80’s), but she just ended up sounded manly.
Also, I wish they had done more with the voodoo, but that wasn’t really the focus of the story. It was all about what Sylvia would do for her looks, even killing the one guy she’s ever had a relationship with. In the end, her desire for beauty and wealth left her with nothing and no one to turn to.
Come back next week for my final Tales from the Crypt review as part of our 31 Days of Halloween, and see how honeymoons don’t always turn out as expected and maybe question your spouse’s family a little more.
For more from Dr. AzarRising, please visit his website here.                                                                             
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trilotechcorp · 7 years
Text
New Post has been published on PBA-Live
New Post has been published on http://pba-live.com/damian-lillard-knows-the-power-of-social-media-for-athletes/
Damian Lillard knows the power of social media for athletes
Just a few years ago, social media platforms like Twitter and Instagram were used by athletes mostly for status updates at the spur of the moment, random photos at the gym or loose chats back and forth with close friends. But players like Portland Trail Blazers star point guard Damian Lillard have quickly learned how powerful those platforms can be.
Unlike players now, who have accounts before they reach high school and have massive followings by the time they’re making college decisions, Lillard didn’t take the plunge and create an account until some nudging from a friend at Weber State, which led to his aptly titled initial @MrWeberState Twitter account.
At the time, building his brand was a distant thought, and he mostly used the account to fire off commentary during live games, tweet out his favorite song lyrics and talk to friends.
“I never really dove into it,” Lillard said of his social media use in college, during a recent episode of the Nice Kicks podcast. “I was really just consumed with trying to make it to the league. I never paid attention to it.”
That all changed once he turned pro. After being selected sixth overall by the Trail Blazers in the 2012 draft — deemed a reach by pundits at the time — Lillard established himself on the court right out the gate, racking up countless awards in his first year. He won co-MVP of the summer league, was named first-team All-Rookie, and went on to win Rookie of the Year, all while leading the league in minutes played. He also won a much less publicized award that the league had quietly added to the mix: Social Media Rookie of the Year.
“When I got to the league, that’s when I realized how useful it could be,” said Lillard, “as far as growing your brand and allowing people to get to know you as a person.”
During his time in the NBA, Lillard has racked up a total of nearly eight million followers across his Instagram, Twitter and Facebook channels. That’s far from the most — LeBron James has a combined 80 million — but Lillard consistently ranks among the top handful of NBA players in terms of engagement and activity, an ever-valuable measure of influence online. He’s also taken up an interest and learned how to navigate each separate platform differently, working in tandem through the years with Nate Jones, his marketing rep at Goodwin Sports Management.
Part of the strategy involves weaving in his seven global endorsement deals and three regional sponsorships through his flow of social posts, while also keeping a tone that strays away from feeling too forced, pushy and promotional. Among all eleven current NBA players with a Nike, Jordan, Adidas or Under Armour signature shoe during this past season, Lillard had over twice as many branded Instagram posts as the next closest athlete, James Harden.
He was routinely featuring his “Dame” signature series and his Adidas association within his feed, amounting for more than 3.5 times as many branded posts as Nike’s signature stars Kyrie Irving and LeBron James, who ranked third and fourth. Nevertheless, he feels he’s mastered the balance of posting products, while also maintaining every brand’s favorite buzz word: “authenticity.”
“People know that what I’m doing, they know it’s going to be genuine. They know it’s real,” Lillard said. “I’m not pitching nothing at you. It’s never going to be fake. When I’m constantly posting stuff, it’s always related to me. It’s never like, ‘Sign up for this, and use my code.’ [laughs] It’s never like the corny stuff where you’re using people. It’s more inviting them. You’re inviting them to be a part of something, as opposed to just trying to sell something.”
Lillard’s deal with Adidas includes a set annual budget for his social media campaigns, encompassing anything from photo shoots for imagery to money used to boost reach and promote an individual post to a wider audience. Earlier this year, Lillard took an entirely unique approach to seeding his third signature shoe out to media members and influencers.
Rather than package the shoe in a grandiose box or include a gift card to a high-priced restaurant, as other athletes have done, Lillard provided a $500 charity donation card, nestled next to a pair of his new Adidas Dame 3 sneakers. Recipients were able to pick any charity or organization of their liking. The donation concept went on to benefit dozens of charities around the United States.
“The simple answer is four years of college better prepared Damian for the responsibilities that go with being a superstar athlete and pitchman,” said Eric Goodwin, who along with his twin brother Aaron, represents Lillard and other NBA players at their Goodwin Sports agency. “He understands the value of connecting with fans in authentic ways and there is no better way to do that today than through social media.”
As he’s grown more comfortable with sharing his voice, Lillard hasn’t shied away from using his platform to speak on social issues that he feels warrant his attention. Each spring on Instagram, he’ll often highlight and congratulate fellow family members graduating from high school and college, as he did. He’s a key global ambassador for the Special Olympics and an advocate for anti-bullying initiatives.
In addition to his community events centered in California and Oregon, Lillard has also built up an online community of aspiring musicians, through his own #4BarFriday concept. “Four bars” is a technical phrase in rap music, simply representing four lines of written lyrics. It also just so happened to fit perfectly within a 15-second video, the initial time limit when Instagram first introduced video to the platform in 2013. (Users can now upload videos up to 60 seconds in length.) Lillard came up with the concept himself while jotting down notes in his journal in his bedroom.
“I always share my ideas with Nate Jones, and he’s the person that brings it to light and makes it as strong as possible after I come up with the idea and my vision for it,” he says.
Since Lillard’s first post, rappers have posted their #4BarFriday submissions weekly, racking up almost 70,000 posts. Each Friday, Lillard will also re-post a few of his favorite raps on his own account, providing massive visibility to a sea of aspiring artists.
“It started off with me just saying, ‘I just want people to be able to hear me rap,'” Lillard reflects. “From there, it turned into people caring about what they submitted and taking pride in it.”
In recent years, it’s blossomed into more than just a weekly Instagram contest. Lillard now leverages his endorsement deal with JBL Audio to provide speakers and headphones to weekly winners. He’s even flown out #4BarFriday rappers to perform at concerts that he’s hosted during NBA All-Star Weekend. His willingness to share his own music has also grown each summer. He started out by posting a new song on Soundcloud each Monday during the summer of 2015. Last year, he released a full studio album, “The Letter O,” which quickly rose to No. 2 on the iTunes Hip-Hop chart.
While he’s grown to enjoy utilizing all of the exposure and visibility that social media has afforded him so far as a pro, Lillard is still wary of the effects and impact of too much attention for younger athletes, like prep phenoms Zion Williamson and LaMelo Ball. The duo faced off in an exhibition game in Las Vegas before Adidas’ annual summer championship AAU tournament last month. A livestream of the game on Facebook drew in as many as 75,000 viewers at once. Lillard arrived 90 minutes early to secure his front-row seat.
“All the other athletes [there] are fans of dudes that are the same age as them. I’m not used to that,” said Lillard of the frenzy caused by Williamson and Ball among their peers. “You’re supposed to look at them like, ‘They not that good!’ Almost hating on them. They’re competition. That was different. I think back to when I was in the 10th grade, and I went to a game with my boy P [Phil Taylor] and Jerryd Bayless was playing. They’re like, ‘He’s gonna be the No. 1 pick!’ We’re looking at him like, ‘He good, but he’s not better than me.’ [laughs] Now, these dudes have their phone out recording another 16-year-old.”
More than anything, Lillard knows firsthand just how ruthless people can also be at times online, whether it’s commenting to him on Instagram or Twitter when things don’t go right, or, even worse, sending harsh messages to a phenom still in high school. He expects both players to handle the pressures well, and continue advancing their careers. While everyone deals with naysayers in their own way, Lillard still enjoys firing back at critics online from time to time, pointing to the continual improvement he’s made each year in the NBA.
“People tell me all the time, ‘Man, you don’t gotta respond to it.’ But I’m always going to say something,” Lillard said. “Sometimes, that’s the last thing they expect. Or, they don’t want to have to explain what they said, or they don’t want that type of confrontation.”
Regardless, Lillard doesn’t stress it, because his routine doesn’t allow him to lose sight of his priority: the game of basketball.
“It’s easy for me to dismiss, because I know the first thing that I do every day is get up and go work out. I do my conditioning, and I’m in the weight room. I know first things are always first,” he said. “And then, I can go rap as long as I want to [laughs]. If I put out a quality album, and then I come out and have my best season … How much weight does what they’re saying have?”
Nick DePaula is the creative director for Nice Kicks and former editor-in-chief of Sole Collector Magazine.
Author: Nick DePaula Source: http://www.espn.com/nba/story/_/id/20258850/damian-lillard-knows-power-social-media-athletes
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bthesisideas · 7 years
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Hapa: The Word of Power by Wei Ming Dariotis
[Note: A slightly different form of this essay was first published on the website for Hyphen Magazine, 12/3/07:http://www.hyphenmagazine.com]
Preface: I have been struggling for several years with this apparently un-resolvable issue: what to do about “Hapa/hapa”? I finally decided I had to start writing about it, had to start engaging the dialogue, even though I have been afraid of what the controversy might visit upon my professional career. Nearing 40, and having done everything I can to get tenure (though not, as of this writing, having it), I have resolved to live a life more free from fear. This essay represents my commitment to be fully involved in this dialogue, this journey, no matter where it might take us.
The poet Truong Tran told me that when he was a young boy his Tolkiensian "ring of power" was the English word "fuck." This word made him American; it was like a secret language, something his parents didn't speak, a word of his own.  He used it gleefully, like Bilbo used the ring, to set himself above where he had been.  Eventually, like Frodo, Tran had to destroy the ring before it would destroy him.  Tran accomplished this by writing his book of poetry, Within the Margin.
My ring of power was also a word, the word “Hapa.” I first learned this word in 1992, when I was 23 years old.  I was a second-year English Literature doctoral student at UC Santa Barbara, and I was enrolled in the course, "The World of Amerasians," taught by Teresa K. Williams. When I learned the word “Hapa” I felt as though a whole new world had opened up to me.  Before this, when anybody asked me, "What are you?" I had to answer, "Chinese Greek Swedish English Scottish German Pennsylvania Dutch." This was a list of my ancestry.  It is my heritage.  However, this list is not my identity.  Heritage does not equal identity. To paraphrase the title of the book on Asian Americans of mixed heritage edited by Teresa K. Williams and Cynthia Nakashima, my identity is something more than the sum of my parts. “Hapa” gave me such an identity.  Instead of worrying, "where am I going to find another Chinese Greek Swedish English Scottish German Pennsylvania Dutch American?" I realized I already had a Hapa community.
The word “Hapa” made me something more than just a half Chinese or a fake Filipino. When I joined the board of the Asian American Theater Company, I fulfilled the need for diversity in terms of being Hapa despite the fact that most of the other board members at that time were Chinese -- and so am I. When I joined the faculty of the Department of Asian American studies at San Francisco State University, I also fulfilled their need for a mixed heritage Asian American.  In fact, the position I occupy, as far as I know the first one in the US so described, is for a specialist in Asian Americans of mixed heritage. For reports from the various ethnic units in our department, I am not counted among the Chinese American faculty, rather, I am referred to as the Hapa unit, or to paraphrase the Eurasian writer, Diana Chang, "The Hapa Contingent."
Of course, the years I worked with Hapa Issues Forum were the height of the power of the word Hapa for me.  In particular, I recall a leadership retreat in which two remarkable things happened.  First was simple, and nobody planned it: throughout the entire weekend, among the more than 30 people present, I never heard anyone ask anyone else, "What are you?"  I find this remarkable because it is actually quite common for mixed heritage people to ask each other about their ethnic heritage -- we are often trying to find points of commonality, but sometimes we are just competing a little bit to find out who has the longest list. What struck me during this weekend, was the fact that the 30 of us may have shared almost no common ethnic heritages, but for that weekend it did not matter; we were all Hapa.  We were part of a larger community.  The other thing that happened was planned by our executive director, Sheila Chung. Sheila, who is Argentinean and Korean, lead us on a visioning exercise that I have never forgotten.  Sitting around a campfire, we were instructed to close our eyes and envision the earth below us while we hovered above in the sky.  Slowly we descended through the clouds and we could see a landscape below us.  Within this landscape was a building; a sign on the building read, "Hapa Culture Center." Within the building there was a library stocked with books about Asian Americans of mixed heritage, an art gallery for art by Asian Americans of mixed heritage, a theater for gatherings and performances, a space for an after-school program and a summer camp, and meeting rooms.
We never built that building, or have not yet built it.  Hapa Issues Forum as an organization lasted only from 1992 to 2004. Yet the word Hapa in many ways has been that building for me and many other mixed heritage Asian Americans.  It has given us a space of our own, a place where we can be us, without having to explain ourselves. Anyone entering the space created by the word accepts our identity. In this way it works opposite from Bilbo and Frodo's ring of power, which makes the wearer invisible; the word “Hapa” makes my community visible, that is its power.
However, power, as we all know, always creates the seeds of its own destruction.  The very success of the word “Hapa” has been in some ways its downfall.  What I mean to say that the word “Hapa” as it is used now can never go back to what it (or what “hapa”) once meant: a Native Hawaiian word meaning mixed or part or half, as in the phrase hapa haole. This phrase means part European American, with the implication being that the person is also part Native Hawaiian. In Hawaii there are other kinds of hapa people. You will notice that I'm not capitalizing the word when I use it in its Native Hawaiian context.  I am also not using the term here like in ethnic signifier, which is what the word “Hapa” has become in the mainland context.  In contrast, the native Hawaiian word is an adjective.  Increasingly, many Native Hawaiian people object not only to the way the word has been changed in its grammatical usage, but also to how it is applied to anyone of mixed Asian and or Pacific Islander heritage, when it implies Native Hawaiian mixed heritage.  This is not merely a question of trying to hold on to word that like many words encountered in the English language has been adopted, assimilated, or appropriated.  This is a question of power.  Who has the power or right to use language?  Native Hawaiians, in addition to all of the other ways that their sovereignty has been abrogated, lost for many years the right to their own language through oppressive English-language education.  Given this history and given the contemporary social and political reality (and realty—as in real estate) of Hawaiian, the appropriation of this one word has a significance deeper than many Asian Americans are willing to recognize. To have this symbolic word used by Asians, particularly by Japanese Americans, as though it is their own, seems to symbolically mirror the way Native Hawaiian land was first taken by European Americans, and is now owned by European Americans, Japanese and Japanese Americans and other Asian American ethnic groups that numerically and economically dominate Native Hawaiians in their own land. In “Foregrounding Native Nationalisms: A Critique of Antinationalist Sentiment in Asian American Studies,” Candice Fujikane argues that Asian Americans are “settlers” in Hawaii, and therefore “support American colonialism” (76) even while trying to fight racism and discrimination in a “colonial context” (80). She defines the term “settler” in opposition to “native,” and argues that Asian Americans “refuse to see themselves as the beneficiaries of [the US] colonial system” (84). Although Fujikane does not here specifically mention the use of the word Hapa by Asian Americans, her argument is certainly in line with the critique that Asian Americans have wrongfully appropriated the term in a way that disenfranchises Native Hawaiians from their culture.
There is a website called www.realhapas.com, on which Lana Robbins states When Hawaiians began to mix with Caucasians they began to have offspring who were Hawaiian and Caucasian. That is when Hawaiians of Hawaiian and Caucasian ancestry created a Hawaiian word to describe themselves and people like them. Eventually these Hawaiians of Hawaiian and Caucasian ancestry began to use the word "hapa" for a part, portion, or fragment of Hawaiian people, places, and things. Until [Japanese Americans] began to rape their language. Today's rape of the Hawaiian language also implies that the Hawaiian language means nothing and thus the Hawaiian people are nothing.
Robbins continues, The raping of Hawaii continues with a new group of Colonizers, the California Wanna Be Hapas. As colonizers, California Wanna Be Hapas raped from Hawaiian Hapas their very identity, culture, and history and called it their own. These colonizers justified their illegal actions by creating organizations such as Hapa Issues Forum and other "Hapa" online forums. They gained allies from elite mixed Eurasians who like California Wanna Be Hapas, stole their term from the wartime and colonial Eurasians while stomping on the rights of Amerasians and Hawaiian Hapas.
My response to first hearing this protest was to say, "But I like the word Hapa; look at everything it has done for us." I didn’t want to give “Hapa” up. I remember how hard it was just to get people to use it. When I first started to use the word in 1992, I encountered Korean, Chinese and Filipino people of mixed heritage who objected to using the word Hapa because they thought it was a Japanese term.  They didn't want to feel colonized by the Japanese language the way their ancestors had been colonized by Japan.  When I informed these people that the word was Native Hawaiian in origin, they gladly adopted it for themselves. Native Hawaiians have never colonized anyone.  Besides, most mixed Asians are mistaken for being Hawaiian -- and there is a certain glamour in being associated with the islands. Like many of us, I have been frequently told, "You must be from some exotic island somewhere!" (I had long hair at the time.  I cut it.)
When criticism against Asian Americans using the term “Hapa” first started being raised strongly in 2002, I realized that the fact that Native Hawaiians had never colonized anyone, and that is therefore why mixed heritage Asian Americans feel comfortable to use the word, was a sign of the relative power of Asian Americans in this context.  Maybe the word “Hapa” was a colonizing violence in which I was participating.  At a 2003 talk at UC Berkeley I mentioned my increasing concerns about using the word Hapa. I was very surprised when a young man in the audience became visibly upset at the suggestion that the word Hapa might be somehow taken away from him. It meant so much to him for the same reasons it meant so much to me—it provides a sense of community and identity in one simple word.
In other words, quite possibly, the word “Hapa,” which I had been so happy to wear because of the sense of identity and community it gave me, might have to be destroyed—or like Frodo’s ring, which was forged in the fires of Mt. Doom, returned to the point of origin to be destroyed or at least re-shaped. I say this knowing that the word can never be again what it once was. There is a nostalgia here that cannot be satisfied even if everyone were to stop using the word “Hapa” to refer to non-Native Hawaiian mixed Asians. But while I certainly do not have the power to fling this word into a ‘Mt. Doom’ of linguistic destruction, I do feel responsible to participate in the dialogue. I have been silent on this issue for too long, perhaps hoping that it would go away, so I could keep “my” word.
The controversy has not gone away, it has only grown stronger, and it is time for me—and other mixed heritage Asian Americans—to recognize that when we use the  word “Hapa” it causes some people pain. What is so troubling about this is that the word “Hapa” was chosen because it was the only word we could find that did not really cause us pain. It is not any of the Asian words for mixed Asian people that contain negative connotations either literally (e.g. “children of the dust,” “mixed animal”) or by association (Eurasian). It avoids the confused identity and the Black-White dichotomy implied by English phrases (e.g. mixed blood, biracial). It was adopted to enhance an Asian-focus to our mixed identity, thereby allowing us to use the word to participate more fully in our Asian American communities—rather than being separated into the larger mixed race community (and perhaps being subsumed under the Black-White dichotomy).
Making a change away from using “Hapa” will be a steep uphill struggle. Aside from the growing usage of the word both within and beyond the Asian American and mixed heritage communities, the word is featured in the titles of such publications as Marie Hara and Nora Okja-Keller’s anthology, Intersecting Circles: the voices of hapa women in poetry and prose; Kip Fulbeck’s photo book, Part Asian 100% Hapa; and the recently published memoir by May-Lee Chai, Hapa Girl. Where does that leave us?  Is it too late to stem the tide? Languages grow and evolve, and how they do so reveals the traces of power—but is it our lot to merely record and uncover those changes? Or is it our responsibility to shape those changes? I have to acknowledge that, through my work with Hapa Issues Forum and as a writer and an educator, I have contributed to spreading the use of the word Hapa by Asian Americans.
Meanwhile, Hapa Issues Forum has folded as an organization, though many still believe that there is a real need to have an organization specific to the needs of mixed heritage Asian Americans (it focuses on issues specific to the Asian American community, outside of the Black-White binary oppositional racial dialogue, and it provides mixed heritage Asian Americans a venue in which to be authentically Asian American). The Hapa Clubs that had started on so many college campuses in the late 1990s and early 2000s have mostly abandoned this term in favor of more general mixed heritage inclusion: Berkeley’s Mixed Student Union, Variations (UCSB-formerly VariAsians and SFSU—formerly the Hapa Club), Fusion (Wellesly), Half and Half (Bryn Mawr), Students of Mixed Heritage (Amherst),The Biracial and Multiracial Student Association (NYU), The Multiracial Identified Community (Stanford), Multiracial and Biracial Student Association (University of Maryland), Check One (University of Pennsylvania), and MiXed (University of Washington). Cornell Hapa Student Association, Harvard HAPA (Half Asian People’s Association), and the UCLA Hapa Club retain the term Hapa. Communities and the language that represents them change quickly, and redefine themselves even before you have a chance to write them into history.
I presented an earlier version of this paper on November 15th, 2007, at a talk at Occidental College. At the end of my two hours of sharing my research and my poetry—which included a series of “Hapa Poems” written mostly around 2002-2005—a young woman, who identified herself as Native Hawaiian and Japanese American, told me that my use of the word Hapa felt like a violence—like something was being taken away from her—another piece of Hawaii, another piece of Native Hawaiian culture and identity. She reminded me that I am part of this problem, that I am responsible and have influence and power in this dialogue. She was right. So here is the first step—my first attempt to send the word of power into the fire, to be re-forged to serve the community for which it was originally intended—people of mixed Native Hawaiian heritage. A word used to give power to one community, while taking power away from another, is not a word I can use in good conscience. However, I will still slip up, I will still say Hapa to mean people like me the way I still sometimes use sexist language despite 20 years of trying to train myself not to, but I will not read my “Hapa Poems” any more until I can find a way to elegantly revise them [Laura Kina kindly reminds me that perhaps I should simply recognize that these are the works of a particular time period, rather than trying to revise all of my former work to meet a new standard], and I will not use “Hapa” anymore in my academic writings as a shorthand for Asian Americans of mixed heritage.
What to replace it with? We could switch from using “Hapa” to using “Asian Americans of mixed heritage,” which is the title of the class I teach at San Francisco State. The problem is that it is much harder to rally around the “mixed heritage Asian American community” than it was to be part of the Hapa Club. But it is for other reasons that I am growing uncomfortable with using the term “mixed heritage,” which has always seemed something of a stop-gap measure. It is meant to be inclusive of transracial adoptees as well those who are of mixed ethnicity (who must deal with ethnic hierarchies within racialized groups), but then it seems to elide what is still the main issue in our society—race. Jayne Ifekwunigwe makes a good argument, in her introduction to ‘Mixed Race’ Studies: A Reader, for using ‘mixed race’ in quotation marks rather than mixed heritage—because “mixed heritage” can be so easily co-opted—who is not, to some extent, of “mixed heritage”? Furthermore, as I mentioned earlier, heritage does not equal identity, and “Hapa” was for me an identity that conveyed community.
It was Marlon Hom, as Chair of Asian American Studies at SFSU, who set up the course I teach and named it “Asian Americans of Mixed Heritage,” not “Hapa Studies,” though this is what many people regularly call it. It was also he who recently suggested maybe we should change the name because mixed heritage does not quite seem to satisfy. Ah, but to what? Multiple Identity Asian Americans? –That raises the specter of split personalities, which of course is a common stereotype of us. Manifold Community Association Asian Americans? Asian Americans Plus? I am drawn to the image of the Venn Diagram implied by the title Intersecting Circles, but while that makes a great visual to describe how we can and do maintain allegiances to multiple communities and identities, it isn’t a great label (Venn Asian Americans?). I hate to say this, but “Hapa” has great mouth feel as a word, until the bad taste of Native Hawaiian oppression slips in. My talents as a wordsmith do not extend to creating new language whole cloth, with no negative connotations, so, for now, this essay is only the first stage in the anti-colonial project of refusing to mis-use the word “Hapa.” Stage two will be coming up with a new word that encompasses mixed heritage Asians and Pacific Islanders, without coming from a dominating or oppressed language. I feel a little bit like an advertising executive, being asked to avoid another Chevy Nova fiasco. Calling all poets--we’ve got to be able to come up with something good, short, and catchy—that’s the challenge. My dear friend, Dr. Marianne Maruyama Halpin, reminded me, after reading this essay, that “A name, to work, needs to be something loved.” With that in mind let us find a name we can all love calling ourselves and that also causes no one else pain.
Works Cited
Fujikane, Candace. “Foregrounding Native Nationalisms: A Critique of Antinationalist Sentiment in Asian American Studies.” In Asian American Studies After Critical Mass, ed. Kent A. Ono. Blackwell: Malden, MA, 2005
Halpin, Marianne Maruyama. Personal email, 11/20/07
Ifekwunigwe, Jayne. ‘Mixed Race’ Studies: A Reader. London: Routledge, 2004
Kina, Laura. Personal email, 11/30/07
Robbins, Lana. www.realhapas.com, retrieved 11/15/07
Tran, Truong. Personal communication, 4/20/06
* My thanks to the students of Occidental College, San Francisco State University (especially AAS 550: Asian Americans of Mixed Heritage), UC Davis (ASA 120), Spring 2000), and UC Berkeley; the former members, staff and Board of Hapa Issues Forum (especially Andrew Bushaw, Anthony Yuen, Claire Light, Eric Hamako, and Sheila Chung); my teacher, Teresa Williams-Leon; Cynthia Nakashima; Paul Spickard; Laura Kina; Marianne Maruyama Halpin; Mohammad Salama; Stuart Gaffney; Lori Kay; Kent Ono; Sachiko Reed; Aaron Kitashima; Danise Olague; Joemy Ito-Gates; Truong Tran; and Native Hawaiian hapas, all of whom have contributed to the ongoing dialogue that has lead me to write this essay or have acted as sounding boards for these ideas.
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beansprean · 1 year
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My Familiar’s Ghost part 37
Masterpost
(ID in alt and under cut)
ID: 1a. Close shot of ghost Guillermo and Nandor sitting on the floor of the attic, Nandor having muscled himself between Guillermo and the 80s crap box. Nandor has one hairy leg stretched out on the floor and the other tucked underneath, his hair now freed from the turban, loose and curly around his shoulders. Guillermo is sitting with his arms around his ghostly tail, pulled to his chest, and drops his head, embarrassed. He says, '...I'm sorry...' Nandor is turned away from him, one hand lifting the flap on the 80s crap box to peer inside. 1b. Close up on Guillermo from Nandor's POV as he curls in on himself to bury his face in his crossed arms over his knees, head turned slightly so his pained eyes and flushed cheeks are visible over his elbow. The wraith cloak drips over his shoulders like a comforting hand. He continues, 'I really thought that was going to work and I wouldn't have to...deal with the consequences.' 1c. Zoom out, close up of Nandor in the foreground as he rummages through the box. Distracted, he replies, 'Yes, it is quite awkward.' Guillermo glares daggers into the back of his head from his curled-up position. 1d. Reverse shot. Nandor turns back toward Guillermo with a hesitant smile, holding up a yellow walkman and gesturing to it with his other hand. He starts, 'You know, there's some pretty cool stuff in here-' Guillermo interrupts, uncurling to gesture angrily with his hands, glaring forward into nothing: 'What am I supposed to do now?!'
2a. Front shot of both side by side. Guillermo tosses his arms straight down, exasperated, and rants, 'I genuinely don't know what my unfinished business could be if it wasn't...that.' Nandor lowers the walkman to his lap and clutches at it with both hands, watching Guillermo with a small frown. 2b. Close up of Nandor's hands opening the lid of the walkman, revealing a handmade tape inside. The top sticker says 'To Nadja' in curling blue script, but Nadja' has been crossed out and replaced with 'gail' in awkward red handwriting. The bottom sticker says, in the same blue cursive, 'love songs for my baby' with a few hearts drawn on. Nandor proposes, '...Perhaps you have unspoken feelings for some other vampire?' 2c. Close up on Guillermo letting out a snort of laughter. He replies, 'No. Who would that even be?' Nandor is in extreme closeup in the foreground, turning his head away from Guillermo in flustered irritation. He shoots back, 'Well, I don't know! Humans are full of flighty emotions like that!' 2d. Shoulders up of them both side by side. Nandor turns his head back to Guillermo, walkman clutched to his chest with both hands, and leans forward accusingly, intersecting slightly with Guillermo's intangible shoulder. He continues, 'Always falling in love with the first person you see in a Panera Bread or in England or at a gymnasium-' Guillermo looks up at him, amused, and raises an eyebrow, pointing out 'That last one was you.' Nandor dismisses this, replying, 'As I said.' /end ID
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