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dessarious · 3 years

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What Makes a Family? Pt15

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Marinette couldn’t speak because it felt like her throat was locked in a vice. Instead she threw her arms around her twin knowing she’d understand. When they’d looked into each other’s eyes it was like coming home, but more. She couldn’t describe it. All of a sudden she realized a piece of her had been missing and now she was whole. When Cass hesitantly returned the hug she felt her anger spike. Her sister should not be so touch starved that a hug was abnormal.

“It’s okay.” She pulled back to pin the other girl with a dry look.

“No it’s not, but it will be. Now that we’re together we can buffer each other from the way fate and chance have been screwing with us.” Cass just gave an acknowledging hum. Looking closer Marinette could see an alarming amount of faded scars. She reached out to trace one just below her right ear. “I’m so sorry… If I had known…” What? What could she have possibly done to help? Nothing, but she couldn’t shake the guilt.

“Me too.” It took her a minute to figure out why Cass would be sorry. Then she remembered that Alfred told her Cass had escaped the League when she was eight.

“As much as I wish you had found me, you couldn’t have known. We were kept apart and kept ignorant of each other. But nothing is going to separate us again.” And anyone who tried was going to be in for a very rude awakening.

“Yeah, they’re definitely related. No one else could understand Mari’s cryptic speech patterns.” Chloe’s comment got chuckles out of Selina and Luka. Kagami and Alfred had almost identical small smiles. Poor Bruce just still looked confused. Before she could comment the Mayor exited an elevator and stormed over.

“Chloe! What have I told you about letting your friends bother guests? If you insist on bringing them here at least take them to your room.” Marinette couldn’t help the eyeroll. She wasn’t certain what had caused him to start thinking that way but every time they came to the hotel now, this was the result. “Mr. Wayne I’m so sorry. Please don’t hesitate to tell them if they’re bothering you, or call me to deal with it.” You would think a man so entrenched in politics would be able to read the room better.

“Your concern is appreciated though unnecessary Mayor Bourgeois. Your daughter has been essential in facilitating our stay and has done a wonderful job of making sure we’re all comfortable.” Bruce’s words seemed to stun the man. As she watched her father analyze the Mayor she could see why his alter ego could be deemed the world's greatest detective. She could also see the moment he decided to go for the kill shot. “Besides, given that Chloe is best friends with my daughter she could never be a bother.” She fought not to laugh as it looked like he’d swallowed his tongue.

As they waited for the man to regain speech, Marinette gauged everyone else’s reactions. Chloe shot Bruce a grateful look while Alfred simply wore a proud smile. Luka and Kagami both looked like they were struggling not to laugh. Selina… she looked like it was her birthday. Cass was studying the Mayor and Marinette had a feeling it was to decide if he was a threat. Once his brain started working the Mayor’s eyes immediately darted to Cass before he put on one of the fakest smiles she’d ever seen.

“That’s wonderful to hear. Chloe you should have told us you were friends with a Wayne.” There was an edge to his voice that everyone caught. The look on Bruce and Selina’s faces was somewhere in between annoyance and disgust. Chloe had apparently just had enough of his shit.

“I’ve been friends with Mari for years and you’ve never cared.” The man glared at his daughter and Marinette almost cringed at what she knew was coming next. At least it would be entertaining.

“That’s different and you know it. She’s beneath you and you’re only friends with her because it annoys your mother. Just like you keeping this information from us is an act of immaturity. It’s time for you to grow up and stop all this nonsense.” Chloe’s face went oddly blank and she knew the girl was trying to keep her emotions in check. Mostly so she wouldn’t get Akumatized but probably a little so she didn’t attack her father. Selina pulled her into a protective side hug and glared at the Mayor. Marinette fully expected the woman to go off on him.

“So you think your daughter should only choose friends based on the amount of money or influence their parents have?” Bruce’s voice was neutral but it still made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Once again, the Mayor didn't pick up on the mood.

“There are other considerations of course. Public image and such. But surely you of all people understand worrying about people taking advantage of your children to further their own ambitions.”

“I do worry about that. I warn them extensively against attaching themselves to people like you who see nothing but what they can get out of them. In my experience the more someone has the more they want and feel entitled to. Thankfully your daughter doesn’t seem to have inherited your greed. Otherwise I’d have to advise my daughter, Marinette, to rethink their friendship.” The Mayor’s eyes darted to her and Marinette just smiled sweetly at him. He paled drastically and she could see him trying to come up with something to fix the situation. When that didn’t seem to work he mumbled something about needing to see to city business and went back the way he’d come. Cass snickered beside her but Chloe looked worried.

“Why don’t we go up to your suite? That way the boys won't be able to find us, we’ll have more privacy, and you can pack anything you’re afraid your parents will mess with.” Selina’s suggestion helped Chloe relax. Luka and Kagami were trading looks again before Kagami spoke.

“We can help her with that so you can speak to Mr. Wayne and your sister.” They obviously knew she was keeping things from them, but at least they trusted her enough to not push the issue. As much as she hated unnecessary secrets, she couldn’t just out other heroes without their permission.

“That’s a good idea. I’ll make sure the boys stay occupied until you’re ready for them.” Alfred’s statement caused a slightly panicked expression to appear on Bruce’s face. The older man just pinned him with a stern look. “You’ll have Miss Kyle to act as a buffer. Not to mention Miss Marinette is far less feral than most of your children.”

“I said I’d have the kitchen redone however you wish. It was due for a remodel anyway.” Alfred just glared at him before making his way to the elevator.

“Honestly Bruce, he was only gone for a few days and that kitchen turned into a warzone. I still want to know how Jason managed to set the fridge on fire.” Selina’s amusement brought a glare from Bruce and given the way his posture stiffened Alfred heard her too. Marinette couldn’t wait to hear that story.

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#bio dad bruce wayne #marinette dupain cheng #Selina Kyle #andre bourgeois #chloe bourgeois #lukagaminette #luka couffaine #kagami tsuguri #Alfred Pennyworth #cassandra cain

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arhvste · 4 years

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☼just until i win☼

WRITTEN CHAPTER - WILL CHECK SPELLING ERRORS LATER

an - i’m sorry but things reach their lowest here, grab your knives and get ready to aim at sakai <3

another big big thank you to @totorosleaff once again you’ve been a star and pulled through and helped make my smau so much better i love you wife 💞💖💕💗💘✨

oikawa shut his phone off and threw a black t-shirt and some jeans on. luckily he had training at 4pm so he still had time to clear up any miscommunications with sakai and hopefully stop his girlfriend from fretting.

swiping his keycard to his room to lock it on his way out, oikawa swifty made his way to the elevator and slipped out the front entrance. thanks to his choice of lowkey clothing, the setter looked like any other citizen just wandering the streets of tokyo. nobody was paying any mind to him as they went about their own business and let him walk past. he pulled out his phone as he checked the time.

the hotel he was accommodating at with his team wasn't too far from the streets he had agreed to meet sakai at outside the training grounds. he had 5 minutes to get there and he didn't intend on looking stupid and being late so he picked up the pace and walked a little faster to his destination.

oikawa arrived 3 minutes later and waited for the girl to arrive. curiosity got the best of him and he ended up pulling out his phone and scrolling through some of the tweets he was mentioned in claiming ridiculous accusations and false stories.

he was so immersed by his phone he didn't noticed the bleached pale blonde approach him.

“hi oikawa! it’s great to finally meet you!”

oikawa put his phone away and nodded at the girl.

“lets go somewhere a little more private.” he said and he pointed towards a more secluded area by a wall that cut the street off slightly.

“i thought the whole reason of us meeting was to stop whatever was going on between us not encourage it ~”

oikawa cringed and turned to glance at the girl who was typing away on her phone paying no mind to his cold stare.

“that's my point, there's nothing, never has been and never will be anything between us. the whole point of us meeting was for you to apologise for all the damage you’ve caused.”

sakai feigned a shocked expression as oikawa turned to face her once they reached the more secluded area.

“damage? oh please it was harmless.”

“harmless? you don't even know what you’ve done do you?”

was this girl for real?

“sorry sorry i just did what i needed to do, since the olympics became the talk of everyone it’s been hard to grab a modelling job. sure i’m well known in the industry but right now agents are looking at pro athletes to model and advertise for them as i suppose it’s a good way to get attention.” sakai explained as she finally put her phone away.

rolling his eyes oikawa stared down at the model.

“that’s not my problem. please stop associating with me you’ve caused a lot of stress and trouble with me and some others.”

“others? oh you mean your little girlfriend? that's partially your fault though, you should've told me you had a girlfriend and maybe things would've been different.”

“i shouldn't have to tell you about my business. i said no the first time you offered your proposition that should've been enough to tell you i wasn't interested in being associated with you.”

oikawa couldn't understand why this girl was being so difficult. the whole reason he’s agreed to meet up with her was for her to apologise in person but he was yet to receive it.

“are you gonna apologise or not? actually don’t bother, it’s not sincere coming from you this is a waste of time.”

sakai sighed and looked up at the athlete.

“no i am sorry i didn't mean any harm. at the same time though, this is your fault for not speaking up about your girlfriend. are you embarrassed by her or something? surely you’ve only been dating a week or something.”

every time this girl opened her mouth, oikawa had to hold back the urge to not uppercut her himself. she was impossible.

“it’s been over a year actually and the happiest year of my life at that. and as for not speaking up about her, i did so in order to protect her from psychos like you.”

“ouch, oikawa you’re meant to be charming no? it seems i’ve been deceived.”

“yeah, just like the media have been by your shitty stirring. look, just give it a rest please, i’ve got enough on my plate in fact i shouldn't even be here now. i was looking forward to coming back, being reunited with old friends and rivals and most importantly my girlfriend. i should be spending as much time as i can with her but no. right now i’m stood here listening to you chat utter shit.”

growing impatient oikawa decided it was probably best to leave it. there was no getting through to sakai she truly was impossible.

“you and your girlfriend are being a little selfish. oikawa listen to me, since we’ve been associated, we’ve been trending more than ever. isn't that great! just hold this up a little longer and then we can stop this but please i’ve been getting all the attention i should've been getting from the start!”

had everything he’d just said gone over her head?

oikawa scoffed and glared down at her through his glasses.

“it seems i have no other option. if you want to act like a simple minded child ill treat you like one. i’ll shut everything down on twitter and just have to publically expose you for what you really are; a liar.”

not bothering to wait for a response, oikawa went to turn to leave the premises and return to his hotel to think about what he was going to say.

not even a split second later a hand grabbed his wrist and pulled him back.

oikawa looked ahead of him and saw a stampede of cameras and mics charging their way towards the pair.

not given enough time to process what was going on sakai had him pushed up against the wall he had initially been using to shield himself from the media.

she gripped his shirt and pulled her face close to his before whispering quietly to him.

“yeah? and i’ll have to expose you for what you really are to your girlfriend, a cheat.”

and with that she forced a kiss onto oikawa giving the cameras the show they’d been dying for.

oikawa’s mind went blank and he felt light headed. surely this wasn't happening. he must be going crazy under the stress.

after a few seconds sakai pulled away and winked at the shocked boy as she waved her phone.

so that's why she’d been tapping away on her phone when they met up.

after giving one last sly smile, sakai took her leave with the reporters mindlessly following shouting a million questions at her as the girl bathed in all the new found attention.

oikawa didn't even have the words to call out and object.

he wiped his face and began to process what had just happened.

it couldn't have happened. he was delusional. or so he hoped.

oikawa pulled out his phone and countless notficcations flooded his lock screen as his heart dropped.

he felt sick to his stomach and refused to even try and read them.

unlocking his phone he immediately made his way to his favourite contact list praying that the person he trusted the most would answer.

the phone didn't even need to ring longer than 2 seconds before the line was picked up.

“oikawa, don't speak just listen. i’ve seen it already okay? don't move i’m coming to get you i’ve got you okay just stay calm.”

letting out a small sob, oikawa dropped to his knees as his thoughts began to overwhelm him.

“haijime, what the fuck have i done?”

just until i win

oikawa tooru x reader

masterlist

part 18 - stirring

part 19 - sakai

part 20 - iwa to the rescue

PLEASE SEND AN ASK TO BE ADDED TO TAGLIST

☽ taglist ☽

@hakawa24 @cuddlesslut @jinaigoo @lovedanii @anime-simp @ilovesupersoldiers @chaelysian @dawnsbaby @nerdynstoned @totorosleaff @toepetalz @scftsugawara @cuddlyroger @yeahhemmings- @lovinnoya @peachiikichu @fijiangecko @animatedrapture @caramel-chuuya @angrylittlezizi @cloudykarasuno

#oikawa tooru #oikawa x reader #oikawa x you #oikawa smau #haikyuu smau #haikyuu #haikyuu!!#just until i win

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thisselflovecamebacktome · 3 years

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My personal connection with Taylor’s discography, part one: It’s Time To Go

No more “official” meanings for music. The world has progressed past having to consider “official” meanings of songs. I’m kidding... partially. Obviously I love connecting the dots with Taylor’s music as much as the next Swiftie, but my favourite aspect of listening to music is the emotional relatability of transferring it to events in my own life. I have also unfortunately been ridiculed for relating to romantic songs in non-romantic ways and so forth. So I’ve decided in a bid to normalise personal relatability to songs and just generally get my thoughts out there, I’m going to write out what these songs mean to me and how. Also a special shout out to @cowboylikedean who inspired this series with how Folklore and Evermore has been helping zir recover from zir heartbreak over the Supernatural ending.

Anyway, I’ve decided I’m working backwards with these because why not? I should probably also note that unless there are lyrical changes in a repeated part (mostly choruses), I’m only going to include each of those parts once as a way to reduce repeating myself. So let’s get started.

It’s Time To Go

As a whole, this song is a reassuring comfort that despite seeing my tendency to leave as a flaw caused by the trauma of staying too long in the past, it typically has served me well. Though, like many of Taylor’s songs, It’s Time To Go mostly reminds me of my family, there are aspects of past friendships that I definitely feel like I dodged a bullet with by leaving.

When the dinner is cold and the chatter gets old, you ask for the tab

To me, this line reminds me of my father and my relationship before I cut him off. Despite feeling like I was his favourite child for most my childhood, communication between us started breaking down in my teen years. By the time my family fell apart when I was 20, I felt like seeing him weekly for lunches was a chore I was doing ‘for old time’s sake’. As a whole, despite loving him, there was just no longer any common ground and it showed with most of that time being spent in awkward silences or silently nodding along to things we didn’t understand that the other person said until I guiltily gave my ‘well I guess I better be heading home’ line.

Or that moment again he's insisting that friends look at each other like that

When I was in my teen years, I was in an (partially non consensually sexual) abusive friendship. This line brought me right back to the beginning of that friendship when I’d vocalise that I, a person with a history of sexual violence before that, was uncomfortable at the way he would sexualise me or stare lustfully at me. And you guessed it, every time he’d try to gaslight me into thinking I was just making it up and ‘friends look at each other like that all the time’. This line also has a tinge of regret for me because looking but I wish I had accepted that it was time to go then as opposed to staying which led to the abuse.

When the words of a sister come back in whispers that prove she was not in fact what she seemed. Not a twin from your dreams, she's a crook who was caught

So these lines are interesting to me because outside of the generalised outro, it is the only part of this song that relates to two completely unrelated scenarios.

‘When the words of a sister come back in whispers to prove she was not who she seemed, not a twin from your dreams’ reminds me of the members of my family I thought I was close to growing up. Like these people spent my whole life telling me I was their favourite, telling me they’d provide if I needed anything and just generally put so much extra time and effort into me than my cousins and siblings. Then, when I begged for help, refused to even check in on me when my sister left and then told me they’d rather watch me starve and be homeless than step in and push my father to do the right thing by my mother, brother and I.

‘When the words... come back in whispers that prove she was not in fact what she seemed, she’s a crook who was caught’ meanwhile reminds me of an ex acquaintance from university. While I was not super close with her, she seemed decent enough so I introduced her to another now ex friend of mine in hopes that if I ever held events, I wouldn’t have to worry about her because she’d know at least one other person. While seemingly a small thing, this was a large step for me given how much the abusive friend mentioned above fucked me and past friendships up to the point this was the first time in six years I was introducing friends that hadn’t previously met to each other. And this girl knew that. She also knew that I was in a very vulnerable state given I had just cut off my father and was in between medications. Despite this, she spent the week she knew this other friend doing everything she could to fuck up our friendship and convince me that this other friend didn’t like/trust me, and unfortunately it worked.

That old familiar body ache, the snaps from the same little breaks in your soul. You know when it's time to go

This line feels very self explanatory. Sometimes you just need to trust your gut, even if it fucking kills you. Very much ‘I think I’ve seen this film before, so I’m leaving out the side door’ vibes.

Twenty years at your job then the son of the boss gets the spot that was yours

So to me, this line reminds me of the way my parents pinned my sister and I against each other, and in turn the resentment that causes when thinking about how I felt like I was damn near to the perfect daughter, stuck around for the ‘ugly’/hard parts that she didn’t and did everything I could for my parents and family in general just for everything to still revolve around my sister. Like my father chose ‘her’ (more like chose his own dishonesty and knew she’d put up with it for financial gain whereas I wouldn’t), my mother’s whole life revolves around her hurt for my sister rather than trying to have a relationship with me and my sister still got all of the support from the family despite being the one in the wrong. But here’s the thing, as much as I want to be bitter at her, she was a child when everything happened and couldn’t help that she was put in a good position and I wasn’t. It was the ‘boss’ of my adult family that chose that and that’s where the blame lays here.

Or trying to stay for the kids when keeping it how it is will only break their hearts worse

Ironically this line pretty much means the opposite to me. Like to me, this was how I felt trying to juggle relationships with both my parents after they split. Like my mother felt betrayed every time I went to see my father even though it was a precondition for him giving her money when he finally agreed to, and my father felt betrayed that I was his favourite yet opted to live with mum and support her. It was a lose/lose situation and the longer it went on, the worse the pain was for all three of us.

Sometimes giving up is the strong thing

Giving up on the abusive friend above was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. After having experienced the suicide of a close friend the year before, I had admittedly grown a supergirl complex where I felt like I had to save everyone, and knowing that this abusive friend was suicidal and still walking away despite my fears that he’d die in a way he wouldn’t have if I just stayed tore me apart emotionally and made me feel like I had failed and been weak as a friend. But ultimately it was the strong thing because I had to leave all my friends from that group behind as a result and start again.

Sometimes to run is the brave thing

So in the theme of ‘I’ve had to restart my life too many times from leaving everything behind’, we have the beginning, the first time I stood my ground and refused to go back to a situation that I was upset in. In sixth grade (final grade of elementary school where I am), I had an outburst with one of my friends about how I felt like I was her comedy/emotional punching bag. Her response? Make the whole year barring one guy hate me. That guy and my friends in the year below also got targeted for their choice to stay friends with me. By the end of the year, things started cooling down and she asked me to go to the same high school as 99% of the rest of the year and remain friends. I didn’t. I instead went to the opposing school with the bad reputation despite the idea of knowing no one and being alone scaring the shit out of me. Granted looking back it was kinda dumb to be scared given that I went from having 40ish kids in my year to like 120 (and would have been more if I went to that other school) so wouldn’t have had to deal with the false ultimatum of her or being alone anyway, but at the time it was a massive deal for me and the bravest thing I would do until leaving that abusive friendship years later.

Sometimes walking out is the one thing that will find you the right thing

Basically this just encapsulates leaving both friendship groups from above. Like leaving the elementary school group allowed me to find people who I didn’t feel I had to pretend around in high school and then leaving that high school group found me people who had common interests and wanted to challenge and grow beside me. In general, it really doesn’t feel like much is going well in my life right now, but the one thing I can say is that I finally feel like I am in a place where every friend that I have put effort into is meant to be in my life and deserves to be and I don’t feel like anything is missing on that front. So maybe it took 23 years, but at least I got there.

Fifteen years, fifteen million tears begging 'til my knees bled. I gave it my all, he gave me nothing at all then wondered why I left. Now he sits on his throne in his palace of bones praying to his greed. He's got my past frozen behind glass but I've got me

Family, family family. Quite frankly, I think these parts I wrote in an unsent letter to my father explain it best.

“And I’ve had to do it alone because the literal years I spent degrading myself into feeling like the child this family made me out to be and begging for an ‘adult’ to step in and help were met with apathy and in your case, fake apologies. And then each and every one of you has had the nerve to act like I abandoned you or that I am a thoughtless child who only won’t see you because mummy said no.”

“You have taken every part of my family, my mental health and potentially even my future away from me, and whether you care or not, that’s something you and I both have to live with for the rest of our days.”

I spent my whole childhood/very early adulthood seeing the signs of my sister slipping from us and trying to prevent exactly what ended up happening. I spent the following three years begging for people who could fix it to do so. And then when they refused, I somehow became the villain and ‘insane’ and ‘not a family person’ for leaving.

But at the end of the day, they lost a person that would have loved and done anything for them for a lifetime. I left with my self-respect, only losing fairweathered people who only liked the idea of me anyway.

And you know, you know, you know, you know when it's time to go. So then you go. You just go...

Going back to the main theme, sometimes you’ve just gotta trust your instincts and take that first step knowing you’re doing the right thing for yourself and walking towards what you need.

#taylor swift #it's time to go #evermore album #about me #did anyone ask for this? no. but I am annoying and plaguing your dashes with my thoughts and feelings anyway lmao

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seleniftie · 6 years

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Meeting Taylor.

It’s Sunday evening, I’m on the plane taking me back to Berlin. I’ve cried three times today. The pressure is off, the adrenaline is gone, and it hit me suddenly this morning: I met Taylor Swift.

I’ve been a fan of Taylor since 2009 and never got to see her live until this era. Each tour was a mix of happiness and sadness because I couldn’t make it. So when the UK tour dates of the Reputation tour were released and my friend Morgen bought us tickets without even knowing if I could make it, I couldn’t believe it. It was finally gonna happen, I was gonna see her.

When the tour kicked off, I was mind-blown. The positive energy radiating around Tumblr was incredible. With each tour date, I watched all of my friends getting picked to meet her and it couldn’t be more exciting cause they deserved it so much. I got lots of messages telling me it would happen for me too, especially since Taylor has been following my blog for three years and regularly likes my posts but I didn’t think anything of it — like everyone else on this website, I reblogged my tour posts in case she would see them but I was just rejoicing over the fact that I was finally going to see her.

But then something happened. On a Monday, June 18 at 8:25PM, I went on Tumblr and a DM notification almost immediately popped up on the app. I stopped breathing. It was Taylor Nation. What?! I clicked on the notification and there right under my eyes was a confidential message from Taylor’s team, telling me they’ve got an exciting opportunity they’d like to tell me about and asking me for my information and the best times to reach me. I fucking lost it. I was shaking and hyperventilating and couldn’t believe it it was ME who got that DM. I called my parents absolutely in shock before DMing them back. Then came the paranoia: when are they going to call me? what are they gonna say? I’d seen that they’d usually call people on the Thursday so I decided to keep on living normally and didn’t cancel any of my plans which I told Taylor Nation about. My week was so full!! On Tuesday evening my supervisor and I were invited to see an opera ballet one hour away from Berlin — so fancy. I was honestly so happy to be there. At some point during the concert though, I decided to check my phone and suddenly froze. I had a missed call from an American number 7 minutes ago. You guys, I flipped my shit. I left the room in a hurry and tried to call Taylor Nation back. No answer. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I was panicking. What if I’d lost the opportunity of a lifetime? I tried to call them back a few times but nothing. A few minutes later though, my phone rang. It was them again!! But then the nightmare went on — I was lost in the countryside and had NO signal. The woman on the phone began to talk but I heard her pretty badly and suddenly the line cut off. She called me back again and I only had the time to explain my situation before it cut off again. We both were trying to call each other but it was a complete failure, and I was left stressed out. I immediately messaged TN to ask them to call me later or the next day.

The next day, I couldn’t calm down. I was bringing my phone with me everywhere I was going. You guys I was feeling so unwell, literally thinking « what if they don’t call me back? ». During the evening I went to another concert for work. God, it was amazing but I barely was listening. Try to picture it: a pianist and a cellist inspired by God playing Debussy and me in the background, phone in hands, stress at its highest level. At one point, my phone lights up: IT’S THEM! And dumbass Camille freaks out so much she declines the call. I swear I thought they would be sooo done with me at this moment, I was hating myself so much for being so clumsy. Thirty minutes later though, they called me back again and my Leaving-A-Fancy-Concert-Event-Thing-With-High-Heels number occurred once again. « Hello? Hi? Are you here ? » — it was the same person who called me the day before. A woman sounding very American. She asked me if she was talking to Camille, told me it was Taylor Nation and that they’d learned I was going to the show on Saturday and that they had a special opportunity for me. She asked me for my info and told me I’ll have to pick up something for me at the box office on the day of the show between 4 and 5, and that they’ll confirm it to me. I was so excited. I had read similar stories before and was almost sure of what it meant: I was going to meet Taylor Swift.

On Thursday I left for London. I there joined my baby Morgen in a hotel in the very lost south of the city, and we had the time of our lives. Friday was even more incredible. We made it to the stadium and there I met my best internet friends. Holly, Jenny, Bessie, Katy, Clément, Aurélie, Marion, Clémence, Ghada, Maya, this is for you. I’m so so so so excited I got to meet you guys!!! We had the best time. Once we entered the stadium, I got so emotional — after nine years, I was finally going to see the person who had inspired me so much for all these years. When she went up onstage I…. lost it. I was crying so much and I had the best time. The concert was obviously fabulous and something incredible happened: Morgen and I were right next to the barriers between the two B-Stages and throughout the night Charli XCX winked at us and touched my hand, then Camila did…. then… Taylor did. There she was, looking like a doll so close to me, grabbing my hand. I couldn’t think straight and came back home absolutely enchanted.

I wake up and it’s Saturday. I go on Tumblr and see Taylor Nation sent me a DM to tell I was confirmed. OH GOD I WAS SO EXCITED. Yet somehow, still couldn’t believe it…. I had so much to do on that day but started it off by making sure I would look my best for the moment I had been waiting for for years. When we were finally ready, we left for the train… but there was no train. Panic attack. I had to be at the stadium in two hours, was currently in the lost countryside of London and there was no train taking us to the stadium, to Taylor. After checking on the internet we found another way to get there but thank god Morgen stayed calm cause I felt so panicked and anxious and kept on saying « I can’t miss it I can’t miss the opportunity». Long story short, we made it there early (and we even had the time to stop at the Waterloo station for me to put on a bit of perfume).

4pm came faster than I thought it would. I started walking nervously to the box office and that’s where I first saw @thefirstdayswift and @9tay8tay9 and @ifoundtaylor13 and @imsoproudoftaylor . YOU GIRLS!!! I then walked up to the counter and told the person behind it I have to pick up something at my name. « On which guest list are you? ». Dude. I HAVE NO IDEA. He then handed me an envelope with my name on it and the following: « Meet & Greet ». It was getting so real I started to be really emotional. I then proceeded to open the letter (you can watch the video here) and my friends came and gave me the biggest hugs, we were all there sobbing and jumping around of excitement. It was 4 and we had to be at the section 144 at 5:45. LET ME TELL YOU IT WAS THE LONGEST WAIT EVER. We bought merch and ate our dinner and Morgen finished our outfits and then it was time. IT WAS TIME SHGDLFJGNSKLJN. I was so excited yet so stressed out. I asked a security guy how I could access the section 144 though I had tickets for the block 551 and he told me not to worry, that I just had to go to my gate and then once I was in, walk around the stadium… Oh how I wish it was that easy. Once we entered the gate we had to take an escalator that directly led us to our block. Realizing that I couldn’t access the section where we had to meet Taylor Nation, I walked up to another security guy and told him everything and let me tell you he was my lifesaver and I wouldn’t have made it without him. He looked at me dead in the eye and said « follow me, okay? ». Morgen looked at me and said « oh my god, it’s time already??? Have the best time and DO NOT FREEZE LIKE I DID » and he hugged me so tight. Then the security agent walked me around the stadium, asking all of his colleagues along the way and guys literally no one working there had any idea of what was up with our blue papers. He was so sweet and reassuring telling me we still had time and asked me how I was feeling and we took secret lifts and passed the security and to anyone asking him what was up he said « she’s got a meet and greet and she’s with me ». At this point I realized I had found my guardian angel and I’m so bummed I didn’t ask for his name but shoutout to you superman cause you saved my life.

At 5:45, we arrived at the section 144 and I saw other girls with the blue paper. My Superhero made sure I was at the right place then wished me lots of fun. I started talking with everyone and that’s when I got to have a proper talk with Helena and let me tell you she’s the sweetest bean! Her mom was with us and was very friendly. They then opened the doors of the stadium and we found ourselves out right next to other blocks and bleachers (we could see the stage). We were asked to walk down the stairs. There were lots of Swifties on the other side of the barriers cheering us on and it was the sweetest thing ever! Once we were downstairs there was this massive entrance and we waited there for about 15 minutes. I got to talk with the twins Pauline and Florine as well while waiting and I started feeling very, very good. Just… very good. This guy from Taylor Nation came up to us and checked our names and gave us the renowned « Reputation Meet & Greet » wristband. I said remember this moment in the back of my mind. A few minutes later and we’re taken inside of the stadium, backstage. We walk into a big lounge with lots of food and couches and there is Scott Swift on our left, greeting us. It was weird seeing him in real life but I enthusiastically said « HI SCOTT! » and he was like « hey girls how are you doing! ». He seemed so happy to be there. From the lounge we could see the Rep Room and we freaked out. We were taken right in front of it and were asked to leave our things on a table and to enter the Rep Room. I’ll never forget this moment cause I held the twins and Helena and we walked in there hugging. The Rep Room was gorgeous, way more beautiful than in pictures. There was music playing, a TV with the Delicate music video on it, drinks on the left and cooked and baked food in the back with the throne. They told us to form a queue and the M&G almost immediately started.

Florine, Pauline and I looked at each other and said « Wait. We’re in the Rep Room and we don’t have the right to walk around it? FUCK IT. ». We walked to the cocktail bar and there were several drinks we could choose from, each being indicated with a Taylor Swift lyric sign. That’s when I saw the « I knew it from the first OLD-FASHIONED we were cursed ». Should I drink alcohol right before meeting Taylor Swift? HELL YEAH. So there we were, drinking an old-fashioned in the rep room and it was so iconic. Then the woman in the back of the room close to the M&G asked us to get in line so we just left our drinks and went back in the queue. That’s when GODDESS TREE PAINE stops at the entrance of the Rep Room and greets us. Most people didn’t see her but I got to talk to her with a few friends and we mentioned the Proud Signs Project we had organized the night before. She said she saw it come to life and it was beautiful and she was being very friendly and she waved back at me when she left.

I started focusing on the moment. The twins looked at me and said «Camille, SHE IS THERE. » I paid attention and suddenly heard TAYLOR FRICKING SWIFT LAUGHING AND TALKING AND I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING?????? I was the third last person and the twins were right before me. As the line got smaller and smaller I noticed the food and went through the same mental process of should I eat right before meeting Taylor Swift but there was a cookie and honestly isn’t it goals to eat a cookie in the rep room so I quickly left the line to get one and ate it. But then I realized that the twins were next and then it was my turn… so I just left a half-eaten cookie on the furniture, sorry @taylorswift and @taylornation for the inconvenience, it was delicious do not worry.

As the girls went into the room to meet Taylor, I was alone with Ghada and Morgan right behind me. I focused and told myself one last time what I wanted to tell Taylor (had also written them on my wrist just in case). It was happening. It was my moment and it was happening. The woman with the list (who I believe was Erika) asked me for my name and gave me the little card with which I could have access to my photo with Taylor. I could see Taylor. She was wearing this black t-shirt and had this kaki jacket wrapped around her waist (that turned out to be a fake-shirt skirt thanks @taylorswiftstyle ) and she had those killer heels high knee velvet black boots. Her hair was so pretty and she was telling the twins about how she had seen their tour post six months ago.

Then fate happened. I swear it did. One of my favorite songs of all time, Want You Back by Haim, started playing. I just love it so much!! I started dancing. Then the woman told me « okay it’s your turn » and I walk inside the room while dancing and I say « oh helloooothereeee »…

« Oh hi there buddy! » — a magical fairy princess walks up to me in all haste and hugs me. I’m in Taylor Swift’s arms and decide to introduce myself cause I wasn’t sure if she recognized me or not so while my head is in her hair I softly say « Hey, I’m Cee, seleniftie ». The magical fairy princess steps back and looks at me and her face lits up and I don’t know how I survived cause it was genuine but she looks at me deep in the eyes and shouts « OH MY GOD I LOVE YOUR BLOG SO MUCH YOU’RE SO AMAZING ». I look at her and say thank you I can’t believe you know my blog and she tells me how I’m always so positive and sweet which I reply to by saying that I try my best to send off positive vibes and she was like « that’s so nice, like honestly your posts always make me feel better ». You know how serious Taylor can get when she makes a speech or says something she genuinely means? That’s how she sounded and looked like. The room was silent but I couldn’t hear the music anymore, and still now I can clearly hear her say those words to me. But I played it cool, I have no idea how. So I then tell her how it’s been 3 years already since she followed me and I thank her for liking all those posts and she’s like « oh thank you! » and I tell her it’s so nice to meet her. I also thank her for wanting to meet me and she goes off like « oh I saw your post months ago and sent it my team as soon as possible, and like especially with the London shows I knew it would be hectic (that word really struck me) so I wanted to make sure I’d meet you » and in my mind a monkey jumps from tree to tree while playing cymbals but at this moment, I swear to you guys, I was being myself 100% and had no stress or whatsoever. Our conversation was so natural and she looked genuinely happy to see me. She then looks at me and says « oh my god you’re SO beautiful » which I reply to by saying « thanks you too! » and there I saw The Necklace™, it was really standing out since she was wearing this black t shirt so I just point at it and touch it and say « and look at that! oooooh » while doing the shimmy shoulders and she laughed and did the shimmy shoulders too and I was just out there backstage at the Wembley Stadium doing shimmy shoulders with Taylor Swift over the necklace that inspired my favorite song of hers like it’s a thing that happened.

We were just looking at each other so happily and there was this 0,2 seconds long blank and I suddenly reconnected to reality and heard Want You Back was still playing. I know she loves it a lot too and she liked my post about seeing HAIM two weeks ago so I start talking about them but she starts talking at the same time saying « so/do you… » and I was so unsettled cause TAYLOR SWIFT WAS TALKING TO ME that I mumbled something that apparently made no sense cause she looked at me all focused and serious and said « HUH? ». So there I go again telling « I love the music playing in the background, it’s Haim I love them » and she’s like « OH YEAHHH they’re amazing » and I tell her how I saw them in concert and she’s like « oh yeah you saw them in London? » and I said « no I saw them in Berlin » and it’s hitting me now that she actually remembered my post cause HAIM was playing in London a week before and I saw them two weeks before so she wasn’t exactly sure of the timeline but she remembered okay bye

(Also did I mention all this time she was looking at me in the eyes ??? we’re both very animatic people so I remember me doing gestures and her moving around and just feeling very at ease but she did! not! break! the! eye! contact! ever!) (and I have no actual memory of this but when I went out of the rep room I recorded my story on my phone and apparently she told me « you’re such a sweet person, you’re so nice » right after we talked about HAIM what what what)

This small talk helped me recollect my thoughts and I remembered my time was limited so I tell her « okay there’s one thing I really want you to know », and I tell her that I play music and I make covers and her face lits up again and she steps back and shouts « OMIGOD I DID NOT KNOW THAT OMIGOD » and I tell her how I’ve done a cover of Babe (reaction to that: « OHHHH THAT’S AMAZING OH MY GOD ») and pretty much all her songs and how they’re on my Tumblr and she can check them out and she told me « OMIGOD that’s so cool I need to check them out ».

Right after Taylor looked at me and walked up to me again and said « so hey, should we take a picture » so she pulls me closer and turns to me and opens her arms and i’m like fuckfuckfuck and look on my left and see all the people in there I didn’t even notice and we hug really tight and pose. We were hugging so tight I literally forgot to smile with my teeth so 2 seconds before they take the picture I open my mouth and that’s why i was so scared of the picture being awkward, but it turned out to be lovely.

The moment we released our embrace I saw a man coming out of the exit of the room with the signed papers and I knew what it meant (your time is over bitch) but I wanted to talk to her about something else so I immediately started talking only to realize that she was making sure with the photographer that the photo was good and she didn’t blink eyes or anything so I quickly said sorry and yeah I always have to check too cause it happens all the time. She nodded and was turning her back to the autograph-guy (let’s call him like that) and I was like you go girl it’s your moment so I tell her about the PROUD signs project that took place the night before and that I helped to organize and I was telling her how amazing it was and how I was running around with my friends giving the pieces of paper to people asking them to raise the sign during the song and she thanked me and told me that it was amazing and explained to me that she’s hardly surprised by things but that our project got her « really really surprised » and she wasn’t expecting it.

I then told her it was so nice to finally meet her and she told me the same and I have no idea of whether we hugged or not cause it was all a blur, the autograph-guy was handing me the paper being like « thanks for coming goodbye » but I remember us saying goodbye and Taylor quickly telling me « I will definitely check out your covers » and I left. They told me to follow someone and I walked back through the lounge and made my way outside and I saw the twins and we hugged so tight. We couldn’t believe it. Then my security guy superhero was waiting for me and you guys he literally walked me back to my section #ANGEL and I thanked him. I then walked up the stairs to Morgen and it was the longest walk ever. I was in shock. I was hardly breathing and it took me forever to get up there, I was holding my autograph and my things so tightly and when Morgen saw me he knew. I could see how proud he was. This random lady asked me if I was okay and I told her I’d just met Taylor and she was very confused and then I told Morgen everything and told you guys… and that’s the story of how I met Taylor Swift. The show was amazing, and at some point she talked about how she had met people at the London shows that were coming from different countries and it made me feel so happy and included. She knows that especially with the UK shows many of us were traveling from far away and she’s so appreciative of it.

Once we came back home I logged on the website with Morgen and Holly on the phone and my picture got uploaded so slowly it was torture, but the moment I saw our faces touching I lost it and started sobbing so slowly… It was 1AM so 2AM in France but I called my parents and they were so happy and excited for me, I really didn’t expect them to be that supportive but I think they were really happy for me and excited that my biggest dreams had come true. I couldn’t sleep and I went to bed at 4am, and Morgen woke up at 5:30am cause he had to take his bus. We hugged in a rush and when I woke up a few hours later I was alone with my memories. I cried a lot that day but seeing my friend Holly helped a lot.

I can’t believe I’m writing this story, and it’s almost done but it wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t mention you who’s reading this. Thank you. When I created my Tumblr account three years ago, I would have never expected to bond with so many people, make so many friendships and be part of such a beautiful community. Many of my friends told me that when I posted I had met Taylor their dashboard was filled with posts being like « CEE MET TAYLOR » and I obviously wasn’t there to see it but one thing I know is that my notifications were blown up and it made the moment even more magical.

To Taylor -- now I’ve told you that in person but thank you for wanting to meet me and thank you for being such a lovely person. Meeting you felt like meeting a friend and I feel like we clicked cause we are the same person on many levels. Thank you for giving so much of your time to your fans and to me - when I heard Love Story in my pink bedroom at 12 I would have never imagined that a few years later the princess in the castle would want to meet me.

I started writing this story on the plane but now I’m home on my bed. I went back to my normal life, to my internship, to my German capital but I’ll always look back on that weekend, that bubble of happiness with a heart full of love. Because in this moment, everything I had ever wanted...had just happened. ❤️

- Cee -

#and that's my story of meeting taylor swift #i can't believe it #i love you all so much #c met t

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wednesdays-in-paris-at-cafes · 7 years

Text

I Have A Lot of Feelings About Taylor Swift

First of all, let me get my personal feelings out of the way. (Oh, who am I kidding? This is all personal.)

I was a little sad and a little mad for the longest time after I found out about the trial but I didn’t look into the details until it started.

Then, the day after my birthday, because birthdays are cursed, the trial started. I was fully pissed and ready to kill a man (read: one man specifically).

And then, I just lost it. It was at around 5 p.m. on Wednesday (day 3 of the trial) that I finally LOST IT. I was reading updates on Twitter from the press in the court room. Taylor’s mom, Andrea, was on the stand and she was telling the court what happened.

It was hysterical, uncontrollable, loud, ugly, SOBBING. It finally hit home like a bullet through my heart. Only once before did I ever feel this way about something that wasn’t about me and my life and that was the day after the election.

I know I am making it sound like the world just ended but I am not exaggerating.

My part of my world ended on November 9th, 2016. A part of my heart broke on August 9th of 2017. (Can we please just skip over the ninth day of every month from now?)

This is the story of what happened after the assault that day: she thanked them for coming, told her Mom about it, they decided to not make what happened public, she went on to performing that night’s show, and then put up walls.

That was the first time something like that ever happened and she made sure it would be the last.

Of course, a man (or maybe it was two) still managed to grab on to her ankle on the 1989 World Tour. Looking back at that, now knowing about what happened in 2013, I can understand the fear in her face and the shock in her body in the video that recorded the event so much better now. I can almost swear she was having flashbacks.

https://twitter.com/holyground_13_/status/895409851639181315?s=09

The gold sparkly dress was from the Fearless era. The purple one was from the Speak Now era. The striped tops were from Red, the one where she crowd-surfed was at an award show and the other one was on her tour. Fast forward, the 1989 tour not only saw the end of this, the stage was also absurdly far away from the audience considering that she was the performer and should have been out of reach of the audience.

She no longer goes through the crowd, which was her absolutely favorite thing to do. She would hug as many people as she can, hold as many hands as she can, pick up as many children as she can, thank as many people as she can. Because she never, not for one moment, lost sight of the fact that we made her career possible and we are there because we love her. She never for one moment stopped treating us as if we were her world.

I think at least some of us thought she stopped because of security risks. But the truth is that she stopped because of something traumatic that happened and left her scarred, not because she didn’t trust her fans.

A few years ago, she yelled at her security (yelled as in used harsh words, not has in raised her voice, because can you even imagine her yelling) because they told her she couldn’t see her fans. That was one of the few times, if not the only time, I’ve seen her lose her temper; even including all of the times she was attacked with rude and invasive questions during interviews, even then, she always managed to remain graceful and poised. But when it comes to us, she loses all calm and does as much as she possibly could to make us happy. She bakes for us after inviting us to her homes and sends us Christmas presents and stalks us on social media, like, who even does that? Yeah, we really don’t deserve her.

She is a white feminist and a flawed human being. (Now that I look back at it, her lack of political participation this past year have been at least partially because of the pending trial.) But she is a better person that any of us can ever hope to be and a better person than this world ever deserved.

Andrea, known to the Swifties as Mama Swift, has the kind of relationship with her daughter that Lorelai Gilmore has with Rory and I am perpetually jealous. Andrea said that day, amongst many other heartbreaking things, “I didn’t not want this event to define her life.” (Yes, of course I cried harder.) That was why she didn’t want it to go public.

But of course, it did anyways. But hey, at least Taylor got a few extra years to build up her career to unimaginable heights so now, if she falls, she can’t hit the ground. But she shouldn’t fall. This is perhaps the post important thing Taylor has ever done for the world.

Taylor Swift deserves better. WOMEN deserve better.

As much as I understand how low this falls on the scale of “How Badly A Woman Could Have Been Hurt”, as much as I realize that at least 40% of my anger is because this is happening to Taylor and only the other half is about what actually happened to her, I also am all too aware of how representative this is of something so much bigger than just one person and how monumental it is that such a trial like this one is even happening.

I am proud of her for deciding to go through this rather than settle to avoid the attention. I am proud of her for standing up for herself and women everywhere. I am proud of her for standing up against rape culture and using her fame to draw attention to this. I am proud of her for doing what is right over what is easy; she wouldn’t be Taylor Swift if she didn’t.

If there are any silver linings to this dark cloud, it’s these: So many women have come forth with their stories, I’ve seen it and I am still seeing it. She is already making an impact, even if the world is silent. Plus, it is now confirmed that this fandom is woke af (not all of us, a minor fraction of us are still being shit). Maybe it took something this big to get so many of us this angry, but we are fully pissed off right now and we are never going to let this go.

Bonus.

I think you can guess even before you read the rest why it took me two years from late 2012 to late 2014 to go from hearing my first Taylor Swift song to becoming a Swiftie.

It wasn’t that I didn’t like her music. It wasn’t that I wouldn’t have liked her. I have not changed that much in the years all things considered and I evidently absolutely adore her now.

It was because the only thing I can remember anyone ever saying about her to me from those years was and I quote: “She has too many boyfriends.” I shit you not. Those were the exact words and it is BURNED into my mind. I definitely didn’t stand up for her then, I also definitely had no way to defend her because I knew so little, so I probably was like “yeah, I guess” even if the statement didn’t make me fully comfortable.

It wasn’t until I found her name in a book I read that hailed her as one of the great female country artists of the age. That’s when I could see the real her.

The novel featured one song from each of these artists. Taylor’s was A Place In This World, track 4 of her debut album. That song made me look up her old music and the history of her entire career. That was in mid 2014, end of Red, beginning of 1989. That song gave me a place in which I felt understood, it gave me a voice I didn’t have before.

Little by little, I memorized every lyric, found the story behind every song, watched every interview, and let her become such a huge part of my life. In return, she changed it and made it better and become the one person who was somehow there for me when no one else was.

Shocking.

In retrospect: I think my friends all knew I was a Swiftie before I did.

And to think that I was kept from that for two whole years because of how particularly sexist the world is and will continue to be in the foreseeable future when it comes to her.

Still, I do believe that history will remember her in kindness and see her for who she is and all that she is, not some twisted depiction of her based on blatant ignorance and misinformation. Maybe the textbooks will someday say what the world isn’t saying today: Taylor Swift deserves better.

That is, assuming we don’t die from a nuclear World War III under the Trump Administration.

#my writing #mine #trial

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