#we have to even it out with live slug reaction memes

[sparklingoctopus]

[chiropteracupola]

The Great Meme Harvest of 2022

so in january I decided to make a list of them, and now it's time to share out the bounty. here you go, in chronological order with some attempt at indication of influence.

it’s [slay]ing absolute [penis]

robert downey jr [there are federal agents outside my house]

horse plinko

blorbo from my shows

submeme: blorbus and tumblrinus

submeme: [variation on blorbo] from my [genre of media]

eeby deeby

[x] dead [y] injured in [commonplace but annoying household occurrence] incident

seinfeld ‘kramer, what’s going on in there?’ [alternating panel] ‘it’s a [x], Jerry’

tbh/yippee

variations on ‘short people will be carried off by birds of prey’

sickos: ‘yes… ha ha ha… yes!”

submeme: sickos variations (ancestral sickos &c.)

megamind no bitches

the queen of england is dead (resurgence from late 2021)

L + ratio + [x] and so on and so forth

dear god the [x] you put on earth to be [variation on] sleepy cosy is being made to [do a thing]

it’s me boy i’m the ps5, speaking to you inside your brain

quirked up white boy with a little bit of swag busts it down sexual style

live slug reaction

[x] would be a beautiful name for a baby girl

my son he has every disease

[x] be like [complaint] my brother in christ [you were responsible for the source of the complaint]

submeme: my brother in christ in general

eight hour victorious video

submeme: car battery

advice for new tumblr users

get drinked / I drinked you

[x] is such a raw line you’d think it was from [shakespeare]

something very lgbt is happening here

tumblr blaze (emergence of, subsequent misuses)

microplastics

she [x] on my [y] til i [z]

bisexual misha collins

submeme: NOT BISEXUAL misha collins

dracula daily

submeme: paprika discourse

morbius

submeme: it’s morbin time / morbius memes by people who have not watched morbius and are not planning to do so

submeme: morbius fails again!

carnotaurus mating dance

will they give you food if you visit them

submeme: we collectively cancel the nation of sweden

there should be kink at [pretty much any darn location the meme-maker can think of]

we need an american girl doll who [ate someone on the donner party]

mousegirl bartender

the man in the pikachu mask

a bad day to be the prime minister of a small island nation with a constitutional monarchy / &c.

[he]’s a 10 but [utterly nonsensical explanation why this individual is not worth it]

new db cooper theory he went up

smooth sharks

I wonder how I taste (one partner expects kissing, one partner expects Bite Bite Chomp Chomp)

would you still love me if I were a worm

hair clips and other things that are animals

gandalf big naturals

it was a gougar (possibly a resurgence from previous memes)

image of infodumping girl in pink shirt

sans undertale and the tumblr sexyman awards / QUEEN OF ENGLAND DEAD FOR REAL

the tumpet. bwaaaaa

i’m on my puter

lost focus and had a consensual workplace relationship

post stock market

[words in webpage somewhat similar to the name of a character or person indicated with circle and image]

a secret third thing

goncharov

submeme: this idiot hasn’t even seen goncharov

elon musk and his foolish antics

submeme: tumblr and twitter warrior cats

[lestat explains a piece of a media in a very strong phonetic french accent] / lestatspeak

hey. don’t cry. [very large number] of [thing] in the [world].

sorry [event which typically does not happen to human men happened to] your boyfriend [in exhaustive detail]

[number] ticket[s] to the barbie movie please

I went to [Mad At You] island and [none] of your friends were there

[knightotoc]

Who fumbled the trope better: The Rise of Skywalker or Picard Season 3? (long post by a hater)

1. Everyone's Related

- TRoS: retcons the story to make the protag someone's kid; it's a big reveal with little time to process; odd things are apparently genetic (like shooting lightning and being evil and goth); she rejects her heritage and chooses a different family, who are all dead; the emotional peak is a father ('s ghost) redeeming his wayward son; nepo kids get together, sorta; a claustrophobic sense of being trapped in the past and made intentionally inferior to the famous

- PIC S3: protag has had a secret kid this whole time; it's a big reveal with little time to process; odd things are apparently genetic (like bravery and accent); inconsistent with other legacy character's parental experiences (Geordi's daughters are second-tier characters who parallel Jack's rejection-acceptance-nepotism arc; Riker and Troi's kids are briefly but emotionally discussed; one emotional line about Wesley; one unemotional line about Lal; utter absence of Alexander); the emotional peak is a father redeeming his wayward son; as Picard's unqualified son and Geordi's qualified daughter get jobs on the bridge of Starfleet's flagship, Picard says, "Names mean almost nothing," and his son responds, "Names mean almost everything;" nepo kids get together, sorta; a mind-numbing sense of conservative family values and reassuring some very insecure people

2. Lesbian Queerbaiting

- TRoS: in the final celebration homage to RotJ, two minor characters kiss in the background; this spawned the "live slug reaction" meme that has now manifested as a homophobic inside joke in Jedi: Survivor

- PIC S3: Seven and Raffi got together in S2 and became Trek's first lesbian couple between two major characters (DISCO already gave us Trek's first major gay couple), but they broke up before the events of S3; they are coworkers in the end of S3, but are not back together because of...

3. Fear of Shippers

- TRoS: Finn is clearly into Rey, but it's unclear if she likes him back; Rey and Kylo kiss sans romantic music, but then he dies and she does not see his ghost; two more women are introduced to pair with Finn and Poe, but none of them get together either; it's unconfirmed, but the vibe is that they didn't want to commit to anything to try to please everyone

- PIC S3: the vibe is the same and it is confirmed:

(by "that scene," he means Picard returning to Laris)

Both franchises also had a focus on an interracial relationship (Finnrey and Saffi), then have the Black person hang out mostly with another Black character (Jannah and Worf) while the white person hangs out with mostly white characters.

4. Bad Boy Braincontrol

- TRoS: somehow Palpatine returned, and he's been in Kylo's mind this whole time; that's why he's evil, not anything of his own free will, just the old story impressing itself upon him (he still has to die though); you know this villain, just defeat him with the power of love like you did last time

- PIC S3: somehow the Borg Queen returned, and she's been in Jack's mind this whole time; that's why he has intrusive thoughts, not because that's a thing that happens to people, just the old story impressing itself upon him; you know this villain, just defeat her with the power of love like you did last time

The visual similarities of Zombie Palpatine and Zombie Borg Queen are remarkable -- physically trapped in dusty corners by creepy machines -- and would be even more interesting if I could actually see them in these dark rooms. This design, which suggests an elderly person immobile in a hospital, actually makes me feel a lot of pity and affection for them. It certainly would have felt far more heroic to help these poor creatures than to rather easily defeat them.

5. We Love Objects

- TRoS: Kylo's private room is literally a museum with curated displays of old props; fetch quest video game-y plot; lots of attention paid to whose lightsaber does what and goes where

- PIC S3: let's break into the museum of old props; kitschy oil paintings of the Enterprise and Picard on the walls; the most unearned and half-hearted "long shots of beloved ship leaving space dock" sequence in a franchise full of such sequences

[nobody-expects-the-inquisitorius]

Masterlist

Hello there, and welcome to the fabulous catastrophe that is my blog! I primarily post Star Wars-related content and I'm an Inquisitorius lover at heart, so expect a lot of screeching about my favourite evil blorbos. Sometimes Good Omens, SWTOR, Riordanverse and other fandoms make a brief appearance too. Heads up, I do occasionally post/reblog NFSW content, so you have been warned. Aside from that, you'll find OC headcanons, overwhelming affection for fictional villains, digital artwork, snippets of upcoming projects and maybe some actual fanfiction once in a blue moon. I'm always happy to chat, especially if it's about fandoms, so feel free to drop me a message any time! Enjoy!

[linktree]

Frequently used tags:

#my art - exactly what it says on the tin

#morgan is horny on main again - general nsfw tag, not a comprehensive list

#morgan's live slug reaction - liveposting books/shows

#headcanons - OC ramblings, meta, fic commentaries, etc

#incorrect quotes - comprehensive list of incorrect Inquisitorius/TBB quotes

#cosplay - cosplay stuff

#join the dark side we have shitposts - also what it says on the tin. shitposting and memes

#morgan speaketh - personal tag

Taglist

OC Masterpost (coming soon)

My Artwork (posted on AO3 for better quality)

Star Wars Drabbles

Eye To Eye Ahsoka Tano is no ordinary prey.

No Way Out One way or another, this ends today, and Kino Loy knows that.

New Dawn In Ferrix, time answers to one man, and one man only.

Silver and Gold The Jedi Temple Guards are nameless, emotionless, to all but those amongst their own ranks.

Far Above, Far Below The son of Dathomir reflects on his past losses.

Hold On Tighter A lightsaber wound to the stomach would be enough to spell the end of most people. It’s a good thing that the Grand Inquisitor is certainly not most people.

The Promise Of Freedom Daal isn’t the first to haunt Screecher’s Reach, and she won’t be the last.

Stars On The Dark Horizon | Bad Batch Drabbles

Drifting On The Winds Even the most intelligent member of the Bad Batch sometimes loses his way.

(Don't) Hold Your Breath Crosshair has been moments away from drowning twice in his life. And the second time, it's the hand that had first reached out to catch him that's holding him underwater.

[spicyvampire]

2022 : a summary

Post your favorite or most popular edit from each month this year (it’s okay to skip months!)  

Tagged by @talays-portkey Thanks for the Tag!

January

Most Popular : [x] the Yok liking Dan in a very normal way

Favorite : [x] Yok skills gifset really was the start of an era, loved that insane guy and he was funny af, first time I was starting to make huge gifsets with little captions on them I think? ; [x] Y’all remember the raccoon meme? Man, I forgot I made that for Bad and Crazy but it was fun, and different from anything I’ve ever made because I tried to make it look like posters and yeah I like that

February

Most Popular : [x] Yok defending Dan in front of Sean, tbf this came out during a heartbreacking episode people needed a laugh

Favorite : [x] y’all remember Sean vs Yok who is the fastest gay alive? these guys were insane, also this inspired Vegas vs Kinn later that same year ; [x] Yok + Greek words for love, the amount of love I have in my heart for that boy isn’t even half the one he has in his for like everyone, he is just SO full of love

March

Most Popular : [x] Yok edition of who is the fastest gay alive, that bad boy took so long to make ugh glad people liked it

Favorite : [x] my danyok goodbye gifset using stucky quote ajgdhashdfgsh the purple looks great on computer ; [x] Live slug MoD reaction, it was just fun to do something MoD again

April

Most Popular : [x] Porsche not connecting the dots on Kinn homosexual activity, I just learned how to animate a gif and boy did I want to have fun with that

Apparently I gifed like almost nothing in april, it was exam period afterall

May

Most Popular : [x] Vegas vs Kinn, trying to find neon looking fonts and neon looking overlays was a pain in the ass but it was worth it, I hope I do that type of gifset vibes again soon  it was fun to make

Favorite : now it is very hard to chose my fave gifset there because it was the month I was doing Not Me Appreciation and I really like that I should probably try to do again but I really think those are my top 2 so here [x] Yok; [x] DanYok sunshine & Rain

June

Most Popular : [x] Pete’s BDSM duality, which is very surprising cuz I thought it was gonna be the [x] Family Braincells gifset seeing that people even requested that for the bodyguards afterwards but oh well

Favorite : [x] Vegas Hidding out Magazine which weirdly is one of my less popular KP gifset but I love it so much “pathetic is the new chic” like come on I literally peaked there, if I ever make shirts out of the one liners this one is gonna be the first one at for sure; [x] TanBunn relationship developements finally went back to my MoD roots for pride month MaxTul if you reading this pls come back 😔

July

Most Popular : [x] Porsche fear of ghosts, we love a little scared cat

Favorite : [x] KP goodbye gifset, truly the end of an era, I’m forever changed

August

Most Popular : [x] Shadowhunters edits that reminds me I have not gifed SH in months

Again I did nothing really that month

September

Most Popular : surprisingly the most popular gifset isn’t a KP one, it’s [x]  akkayan hoodie, 2nd is [x] PorschePete bitches stage tho so eh

Favorite :  so end of september & start of october was kpweek and boy did I come  there ready cuz I spend the entire month before doing like nothing and I  had all these pent up ideas,  I have so many favorites really I had fun with KPweek [x] Kinn [x] Pete [x] KinnPorsche

October

Most Popular : [x] Main and Minor family (minus the parents), that was one long boi wasn’t it

Favorite : [x] Ayan + Debbie’s monologue what can I say I just love the addams family and I rewatch the movies almost every year so I know a lot of these lines by heart; [x] KP Halloween cuz I forgot to put the side story in my Porsche fear of ghost gifset so Halloween gave me a reason to dedicate a gifset to it

November

Most Popular : [x] Cherry Magic, god the way I ran when it dropped on youtube oof

Favorite : [x] MoD 2 years anniversary gifset, cannot believe it’s been 2 years MaxTul WHERE are you 😭😔💔

December

Most Popular : [x] SamMon right in front of everyone salad

Favorite : December is exam month and this time I really tried to gif almost nothing till like the very end but shoot out to [x] Bodyguards braincells gifset

I think I did one of for 2021 too and it was fun going back through the stuff I did, a bunch of these I literally forgot I made last year so that’s why I wrote so much for a lot of them

Tagging (if you want to no pressure & also idk who has done this already sorry) : @luna-lina @winteams @kinnsporsche @thelaziestmotherfucker @fangrui @guzhu-furen @laowen @sunsetandthemoon @pavel-chekovs @liyazaki

[undercoverwu]

Reblog List

bc i really like to keep track of everything

least to most recent

PLEASE check these out! some of it is fanart, or shitposts, or whatever and the creators deserve recognition so, yea

many are memes. did i label em all? no

⭐️ = *whispers* my favorites

The Umbrella Academy

Too Fucking Funny ⭐️

Harry Potter

Wolfstar

Big Time Rush

“my child is completely fine”

Stranger Things

It’s a Red Flag

Why Nancy and Mike Didn’t Say “I Love You”

It’s 2024

Will is SLAY

TMNT 2012

Mona Lisa - Incorrect Quote

Lego

He’s A Ten Reblog One tehhahah ⭐️

He’s A Ten Reblog Two pshhshahah ⭐️

RotTMNT

Repressed Raph Taking That Hit

Fandom How We Doing

Rise Movie, What To Do

Feel So Normal

We Are Lucky to Have the Movie

How We Got A Movie, Interview

Instead of Through a Window

Donnie Fanart

“Cozy bros” Fanart ⭐️

Don Falling to His Death ft. Incorrect Quotes ⭐️

#5 in Kid’s Titles

Some End-of-Movie-Leo Analysis

“WHAT IN THE BODY HORROR”

No More Responsibilities

Watching Show as Movie Analyses Come Out

Nickelodeon in the Studio ⭐️

Tag Yourself

Mystic Mikey Fanart!!

Us After the Movie

Andy Explain Yourself

“Future Leo living in guilt”

Watching Snow Day Again

POV you are leo ⭐️

“Nickelodeon really knows what they’re doing”

Love the Movie More

LOOK AT THEM

Splinter Comforts Depressed Donnie (humor) (not angst) (it’s for shits) (for laughs) ⭐️

A Lovely Addition to My Incorrect Quote seriously thank you so much i love

Don’t Atello

ATTENTION

Reasons to Watch RotTMNT

Late Night Candy Store

Donnie says no and does it anyway inq

Understand why villains hate the turtles lmao

Leo and Future Leo

Leo is Busy Now, Raph ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Teacups Spinning

You would not believe ⭐️

Ninjago

i will not ⭐️ the in-universe memes bc theres many and itll be too many stars for my eyes, so just know

Whimsy Character until Step 2

Zoom Julien ⭐️

Cole Red-Green Colorblind

Jump Up Kick Back Cycle ⭐️

Looking for Happiness - Incorrect Quote

Tried to Cancel Ninjago

Fame Headcanons

Kai When He Sees Homo/Transphobic Shit - Incorrect Quote

Cole Housewife Mode - Incorrect Quote

Cole Full??? - Incorrect Quote

Both Jays

Wu is Starting to Think ⭐️

Plasma Wedding

Kai Vibe Check - Incorrect Quote

Lloyd Mid-Life Crisis - Incorrect Quote

A Live Slug Reaction

Wu is Starting to Think (again, i apparently reblogged this twice, my bad) ⭐️

Zane and a Lollipop

If You Are Queer

In-Universe Memes

More In-Universe Memes

Dancing Lloyd ⭐️

Lloyd Dancing Rb 2 heehee

Toaster Zane ⭐️

Even More In-Universe Memes

EVEN MORE IN-UNIVERSE MEMES

Zane Beloved

Ninjago Character Quiz!!! ⭐️

G r a v i t y

To Unlock the Dragon Form…

Other

Cookies for Mutuals

Mario Movie, “He isn’t even italian”

Lesbiphobia check:

Owl House Hanging in There Star

Hunter Gender Envy

Animation V Minecraft Ep 30 Update

[pontevoix]

headcanons from @pridewon : okay i’m like a week late but i wanted to send you things for the headcanons meme: 1. when they’re bored and there’s nothing to watch on tv in the evenings, shirabu and goshiki play those board games that are basically truth or dare (with drinks if shirabu drinks alcohol too) and they always find out really wild or stupid details about each other, 2. yamaguchi’s parents have been on the brink of divorce for years, and one time when tsukishima was over at their house, the boys heard them arguing. yamaguchi rarely invited tsukishima again after that, and invited himself over at the tsukishima’s instead. after highschool, he tries making up for it by constantly reminding tsukishima he can come over to his place instead whenever he wants (and may try baiting him with his favourite fods or movies) 3. kuroo has the (very) annoying habit of sending tsukishima jokes, puns, and various anecdotes at the most random times (usually when he’s bored between flights or at the office or a work function). tsukishima will be minding his own business, or sleeping, when suddenly *ding* “hey tsukishima, did you know that slugs have four noses?”. he has yet to determine which ones prompt a reaction and which ones get him blocked. (i wanted to send more for other dynamics but my brain fried forgive me)

tihdfgsdfgdf i’m basically a year late responding to this but let me absolutely say that these are here to make my day i feel very passionately about all of these things

absolutely yes sdfg shirabu has differing levels of appreciation for those games. in groups, he hates them & still plays & sometimes lies. one on one, he grumbles. he says, ‘ to hell with it, we can do checkers or cards. ‘ shirabu turns it into a drinking game or a personal challenge. from there he gets caught into game mode & is down with the truth or dare-esque games & somehow ??? he never expects to be startled by goshiki but you never know. on a similar note, as much as shirabu is not a huge fan of phone games, he goes through a phase about . . . once every three months where he just really wants to play word games on the phone. in which case, congratulations goshiki: you’ve been roped into words with friends. & no, goshiki, you will not win. however, shirabu did play against his kid brother once & his brother won mysteriously with a word that . . . neither of them knew . . . & shirabu almost deleted the app.

yamaguchi we love you ssdfg. tsukishima’s father doesn’t live at home; his parents are still married, they have waning affection for one another (??) but — his father works in the city. when tsukishima was at yamaguchi’s house & heard yamaguchi’s parents fighting, he wasn’t judgmental but he was a little startled because it’s just… different sounds than his own home. even with that, he could tell it made yamaguchi uncomfortable. because tsukishima was… himself & because he was younger there, he didn’t really know what to do about it, so they didn’t talk about it. he pretended not to notice how they always wound up at tsukishima’s house & he genuinely didn’t notice yamaguchi trying to make up for it. every time yamaguchi started to try baiting him to come over, tsukishima just ??? wow guess he’s in a good mood today ???  & part of this confusion really comes from the fact that tsukishima never felt unwelcome at yamaguchi’s house; it just hadn’t been the better pick for the two of them at that point.

kuroo is the reason tsukishima has his phone on do not disturb after 10pm lmao that’s all i got. but . . . to be fair, kuroo is also the reason ( one of the reasons ) that tsukishima leaves his read receipts on.  just so kuroo really sees that tsukishima isn’t amused. the fun facts he usually tucks away in the corner of his brain to fact check later,  & he does read the anecdotes, & he regrets seeing the jokes. & though he has learned not to trust anything when kuroo’s name pops up in his notifications list, he only blocks him sometimes & if he responds . . . it’ll be three hours late with a link to a whole ass article about slugs or a political analysis. here’s something you can do with your time, tsukishima says in this way & clucks his tongue in dramatic reprimand.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Marketing Execs

When I’m having a particularly bad day and really need to get my mind off something, I have a little trick, and I have Tumblr to thank for it.

I mean, you look at a lot of media by a lot of the big individuals and a lot of what you find is fairly formulaic stuff. Some of it’s good. Some of it’s bad. But all of it is very clearly micromanaged by a bunch of executives looking at a spreadsheet and saying, “This is what The Young People want. This is what will make us money”.

The problem for them is that their whole model’s out of date, and has been since the internet. Once upon a time, they could reinforce the formula through the only way we The Young People ever got to hear about anything new that we might like - radio, TV, magazines. And then the internet came along and you could type something into a search engine and find the official site ... but also a lot of fan-made sites by people who were into it which often pointed to the other things they were into. Yeah, those sites were cringe, often badly coded on Geocities ... but we got a bigger window to the world than most companies wanted us to have, because they wanted to control what consumers thought was cool as much as possible and suddenly people were just ... sharing what random shit they thought was cool, and people were getting into those things rather than just jumping on The Next Big Thing.

Thing is, even when we got into the social media space, The Almighty Algorithm allowed MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter to reinforce the formula. Tumblr, on the other hand ... we’ve called it a lot of things. The Last Wild Frontier of the Internet; the whale carcass that sinks to the abyssopelagic zone of the internet to feed the deep-dwellers there, all kinds of weird analogies. Fact is that it’s just never been that level of profitable. The algorithm attempts never worked here. The format’s wrong for it, and people use it for things that just aren’t profitable in that way. And yeah, we celebrate fandoms, but we also create new ones, beautiful and impermanent as soap bubbles, for the most random fucking shit.

So sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly grumpy and need to start thinking about something else for my sanity, I imagine a marketing team assigned to monitor Tumblr, reporting back to their team lead, and the team lead asks, “...What are they obsessing about this week?” Just because I love the mental image of what happens when the answer is something like, “Sea shanties, The Cask of Amontillado, and this guy who sold substandard copper a couple of milennia ago”. Imagine a marketing department who lives to tick the boxes on a marketing spreadsheet trying to find some way of making bank on something like “Out Of Touch Thursday”. Or trying to figure out what exactly The Young People are trying to say about the viability and direction of the Star Wars franchise in the wake of “Live Slug Reaction” memes.

Seriously, next time you’re depressed or angry, just look at whatever weird and wacky bullshit is on your Tumblr at the moment and imagine someone trying to explain it to a marketing exec. We don’t feel like we have a lot of power in the grand scheme of things, but by the gods we can frustrate people who want to make us little more than a demographic to which to sell shit.

[ikevamp-annalyne]

Annalyne Sonata [IkeVamp OC]

Hey guys! I am so verry happy to finally being able to officially introduce my IkeVamp OC, Annalyne! ٩(●ᴗ●)۶

This is a very long post, but I hope you won’t be discouraged and will enjoy learning a bit more about her, and the story I imagined for her (^.^)ゞ

I also commissioned the MOST AMAZING ARTIST EVER @lemonsqueazie​ for drawing my baby OC! ღවꇳවღ She is my favourite artist, and also an amazing human being that I love very much. She is so attentive to what you tell her, always doing everything to meet your ideas and make the best art for you! I highly recommend to check out her blog @lemonsqueazie​ alongside her Instagram and her DeviantArt post about her commissions! You can also find all the infos here.

NOW, ON WITH THE OC! (๑ゝڡ◕๑)

Name: Annalyne

Last name: Sonata

Nicknames: Anna, Nana, Lyn

DOB: June, 19, 1995 (25 years old)

Origin: French

Languages: French, English, Spanish, Italian, German, Japanese, Korean

Height: 160cm (5.25ft)

Sexuality: pan

Job: freelance fashion designer, blogger, gamer

Passions: fashion, drawing, eating, baking, cooking, videogames, reading, music

Phobias: larvas and maggots, bugs (except ladybugs)

Lover: Leonardo Da Vinci

"Heh? What is this? Kinda like a storage room?"

Annalyne is a very chill woman, taking things at her own pace and working hard towards her goals and dreams. When she doesn't work, she becomes a lazy slug chilling with a good book or videogames -part of why she is also a gamer-.

Her most prominent traits are definitely: her kindness, her humour -made of bad puns and references-, her caring side, her clumsiness and her supportive behaviour. Number one fan of her family and friends.

She will always go out of her way to make her loved ones feel loved, supported or just important. She can also easily throw hands if needed. No one messes with her or her close ones without getting punished.

She has a hard time trusting people. It looks like she is close to everyone, but she hardly confides in people. It takes a hecking long time to build a relationship of trust with her -due to some childhood traumas-

She is strong-willed and -way too- a tad stubborn. But she compensates by being very sweet and cute. She can be very anxious but eating calms her, explaining her chubbiness. Also, count on her for helping everyone.

She is very good at cooking and baking, and loves making things herself. She loves dogs, but honestly, she loves almost every animal ever. She has a talent with them, understanding them beyond reason: animals love her.

"Call me the PUNisher."

She is easily triggered by disrespect, racism, homophobia, bullying and abuse. She can kick your ass off if needed, being very rude and violent when angry -she already broke the arm of a racist, and slapped Shakespeare...-

Comte is the one engaging conversation with her, asking her if she likes this painting. She is hyper excited talking about it and Comte cannot help but giggle, finding a Da Vinci's fangirl in modern days being pretty rare.

How she met Comte:

Annalyne lives near Paris and absolutely loves museums. Therefore she spends a hella lot of time in the Louvre, especially contemplating Da Vinci's works. She meets Comte in front of Da Vinci's painting Saint-Jean-Baptiste.

They spend some time debating and chatting over Leonardo Da Vinci's life, works of art and other controversies. He smiles a lot throughout the whole chat, since he wonders how his old friend would react.

How she ends up in Comte's mansion:

Comte bids her goodbye after they have finally seen Mona Lisa from up close. She thanks him for the delightful conversation, happy she has met someone as knowledgeable as him on her favourite historical figure.

She is taken aback, quite surprised, and thinks the mansion is a storage room. Maybe the man is actually an employee? She is curious though so she walks through the hall and stares at everything in awe.

When he leaves, waving his hand, his pocket watch falls and Annalyne picks it up. She chases after Comte all over the museum and sees him going through a door. She opens it and ends up in the mansion's hall.

Who she meets:

While discovering the hall, she stumbles upon Leonardo who's asleep. She doesn't want to wake him up but God, she stares for a good minute at the sleeping man. "I have never seen such a gorgeous man..."

She walks past him and continues looking for Comte. But then, Napoleon appears and asks her who she is, and what she does here. She tells him she wants to find the gorgeous blonde man to give him his watch.

He offers to give to him in lieu of her. But she is wary of him, a stranger. And Comte appears, the noise having caught up his attention. He recognises Annalyne and is surprised she is there. She gives him the watch.

The first dinner:

Comte gladly accepts the watch and asks her if she wants to dine with him and the residents of this mansion. Mansion? She stares at him, dumbfounded, and frowns. "Mansion? Isn't that a storage room or something?"

Comte giggles and promises to explain it all over dinner. Her trust for Comte and her love for food makes her accepting the offer. How surprised she is upon seeing all these people gather around a huge table!

She sits down and gets served by Sebastian, under all the surprised looks. Comte then proceeds on explaining it all to her: how all the residents in there are famous historical figures, and how she is the past.

How she reacts:

She is surprised, but she believes in timelapse, magic, etc. So she just stares in surprise and shock but is soon overexcited to meet all these people who changed history and inspired her throughout her whole life.

She will ask a bunch of questions to each of them, questions she has always been curious about, like the rumours and alleged controversies. Even when she hears about not being able to go back in her time, she is strangely chill about it.

"Well, there's no helping it! I will come up with a lie when I go back there!" But she will write letters and leave them -along jewels of hers- in places she thinks her friends or family could find them in the future.

Meeting her soulmate:

Sebastian shows her her room and then tells her to explore the mansion if she wants to. What she does! She then remembers the man sleeping in the hall? He must be a historical figure as well, but who can he be...?

She wants to know so she goes to find him and stumbles upon him, nearly falling on top of him. He seems awake since he is sitting on the floor. He had heard her footsteps so he smiles at her. "Well, who do we got there, Cara Mia?"

She smiles at the Italian nickname and tells him everything about her being here. He is surprised she is so chill about it but he smiles and introduces himself. "Well Cara Mia, nice to meet you. I'm Leonardo Da Vinci."

Upon hearing the name, her eyes widen and her breath catches in her throat. She stares, her heart beating faster every passing second. His smile is intoxicating and she cannot help but blush and stutter.

"W-well, nice to meet you, Leonar- huh Sir Leonardo? How, how should I call you?" He laughs."Leonardo is enough, Cara Mia." He smiles and pats her head before standing up. "Watch yourself, Cara Mia."

Her reaction upon the vampiric reveal:

After having talked with Comte and decided to stay in his mansion, she actually wonders how he could resurrect them. She decides to ask Sebastian, her new colleague, and he just shows her the Rouge and Blanc bottles.

"What's that?" She asks, pretty curious."Take a look and you will understand." She first goes for the Rouge and recognises the metallic smell of blood. She stares at Sebastian. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"They are all vampires. Except I, who is human." She widens her eyes, sueprised, and then goes "Aaaaah, that's how he did! Makes sense!" She smiles. "Is Comte the one who transformed them all or no?" "He did, yes."

"So, is he like, a pureblood vampire? A superior vampire who can turn humans into vampires?" "How do you know about this?" "Oh please, Sebastian. Cinema, animes, mangas and books are full of vampires."

Sebastian stares at her, bewildered. "And you are not afraid? They could easily feed off of you, even kill you." "Oh please Sebastian, they're more like puppies than wolves! If they were capable of this, you wouldn't be here!"

"Plus," she says while flashing a big dumb grin. "If they wanted to eat me, they would have already bitten me and emptied me of all my blood. They are not dangerous." Sebastian is shocked at how chill she is.

Her relationships with the residents:

She gets close to every resident ofthe mansion pretty fast, especially since she is not pushy, funny, kind, calm and knowledgeable on a lot of matters. They all grow a soft spot for her, even shyer and harsher residents.

Napoleon: they bond over cooking and baking. Also, since she is French, she can tell him about the impact he had on her country.

Mozart: music is common ground for them. She knows a lot about him and will sing for him, being allowed in the music room.

Arthur: writing sessions together, in his room or hers. They tease each other a lot and she is quick to react to his flirting.

Vincent: they are very close, bonding over drawing and painting. They talk a lot about art and have art sessions.

Theodorus: she doesn't let him win with his harsh replies and he likes that. She is strong and adores Vincent: he likes her a lot.

Isaac: she isn't pushy and gives him room so he likes talking with or teaching her a few things. They often meet in his room.

Jean: he likes how pure she is but she doesn't let him avoid her. She will do anything to befriend him and he gives in.

Dazai: sharing writing ideas brings them closer. They also laugh a lot because they are both airheads amd chaotic walking memes.

William: she likes his work but hates him. She will always avoid him, or shoot sharp daggers glares at him.

Comte: the father figure. She loves going to him to talk or when she needs some calm, and having tea together.

Sebastian: always laughing and teasing each other. She will flick his forehead when he assumes things for her.

Her relationship with her soulmate:

She is a Da Vinci's fangirl so of course, she is a mess around him. At first, she just blushes a lot, stutters a bit around him and she fangirls when he is not around. "Omg I can't believe I witnessed him sketching!!!"

They bond very easily since they both love arts. And Leonardo is very curious about her fashion style, her job, and basically how the world works in modern days -she spent an entire night talking about phones-

One day, he finds her sighing in her room: "what's the problem?". "Ah, nothing, I'm just, not comfortable in Comte's dresses. I'm more into trousers or skirts from my time." He is curious so she tells him about modern day fashion.

"Ah, so women wear pants and shirts. Whatever they want." She nods excitiedly."Yeah, and I hope one day men will be able to do so as well! Wear skirts and dresses and heels. But toxic masculinity is still pretty deep..."

"Wait for me, Cara Mia" and he dashes off the room, to come back later with a stack of shirts and trousers. "Here, take these. They're mine but for now, it will do. Tomorrow, we're going shopping for you."

And they do go shopping the next day, buying loads of men clothes alongside jewels and shoes. Also, they buy fabrics, needles and everything for Annalyne to sew her own clothes. He loves seeing her so happy.

She spends the next days adjusting Leonardo's clothes and the ones they bought to her chubby curves. And Leonardo surprises her by wearing a dress. They go have dinner like this: her in men's clothes, him in women's clothes.

Legend says every resident nearly choked themselves of either shock or laughter. And Leonardo and Annalyne really enjoyed it a lot and decided to do this at least once a week -Leo enjoyed the dress, actually-

The purebloodness revelation:

She catches very early on that he is a pureblood, without him even telling her. She is extra sensitive so she kinda feels auras and saw how Comte and Leonardo's eyes are similar. His genius made even more sense.

"Leonardo. Are you like Comte, a pureblood vampire?" She asked him while they were shopping for fabrics. Leonardo nearly fell out of surprise. "What are you talking about, Cara Mia?" "Well, you know..."

"Same eyes as Comte, genius who can do anything, super strong and intimidating aura. Open-minded as if you've already seen everything, and laziness that can be explained by already having done everything possible..."

He stares at her and then laughs, patting and ruffling her hair. "You're awfully clever and intuitive, Cara Mia. Yes, I am a pureblood. Does it change anything between us? "HELL NO!" she shouts. "But I've got questions!!!"

She drowns him under questions on everything he's done, seen, lived. They spend almost all of their time together, teaching each other about their lives and their knowledge. Residents are jealous of the Leonardo monopoly.

How it "ends" between them:

She is a strong woman and will go back to her time. But she promises Leonardo she will find him, right after returning to her time. He asks her what day it was, when she entered the mansion. "March, 15th, 2020."

When she leaves, while everyone is crying, Leonardo calculates. "Okay, gone for a month in her time, so she'll be in the Louvre in April, 15th, 2020. Ah. My birthday." He smiles. Almost 200 years, but it will be so worth it.

When she passes through the door, she is back in her time. Asking a guide what day it is. "April, 15th, 2020". The day they agreed upon, and Leonardo's birthday. She smiles and then proceeds to rush out of the Louvre to look for him.

But then she passes in front of Saint-Jean-Baptiste. Her favourite painting. A tall and gorgeous man is standing there, in a blue shirt and blue jeans. She feels it. She goes to the man, pats him on the shoulder, and asks: "Leonardo...?"

The man turns around, a huge grin on his face, bright golden eyes shining with love: "Was about time, Cara Mia..." she cries and throws herself at his neck; he spins her, crying as well, burrying his face in her neck.

"I missed you so much. Never do this again. 200 years was worth it but it was too long." She is a mess while crying. "I, I pwomiss Leo, I will neba leaf you again-" he laughs at her messy face. "Look at you, silly girl." He kisses her.

"I want you to see how much I love you in my eyes. They speak on my behalf."

Trivia facts:

She has a tiny water spray bottle she labelled as "Holy Water". Whenever a resident smiles or laughs, she opens it and "collects" their happiness. Thus, when one is talking shit about himself, she sprays the water on them.

"There, you have been blessed with Holy Water. Now love yourself or I agressively hug you." -the mistake on the label,on "thoughts" is intended, as it is is a mix between thots and thoughts, bitch thoughts she's gonna spray away.

She hates Shakespeare, Faust and Vlad. Whenever they pass by the mansion, she grabs the garden hose she labelled "Garden Hoes" and splashes water on them. "Oh no, you walking sin, stay away from my babies!"

She eats A LOT and puts shame on Theo when it comes to eating sweet things. They have pancake-eating competitions -and guess what, she wins-. She will be snacking 24/7 when nervous, anxious, sad and basically under negative emotions.

She listens to every type of music. She really enjoys any kind of rock music, and is also very knowledgeable on classical music. She likes to dance on Kpop and sing on Disney songs: her favourites are definitely I’ll Make A Man Out Of You and Why Should I Worry -in French-

She used to practice martial arts so she can beat the crap out of anyone being a little sh*t with her or her loved ones. She also has a very scary aura when furious, leading to most people just running away from her wrath.

She loves gossiping with Arthur. Whenever she knows about some rumours, or when she needs to talk about something that upset her, she goes to his room with coffee or tea. They both irradiate chaotic gossiping energy when together.

She is the mom friend, and becomes the mom of the mansion. She already told Jean to “get his bottoms in the living room to eat with all of them”, else she was going to kick his butt so hard he would be unable to sit or practice fencing.

All the animals LOVE her. Chérie is missing? She is cuddling with her in the patio. Lumiere is not under the bed? He is sleeping on her laps while she reads. King is nowhere to be found? She is playing with him in the garden. Snow White vibe.

She loves flowers and will put some all over the mansion. She puts one every day in front of every resident’s door, with a message written on a tiny piece of paper, something like: “You are a sweetheart and you deserve the best, keep going, dearie!”

[juistheseminarian]

Eccentric, part 1: (gasp) a child!

You can tell I take myself seriously as a writer since I was originally planning on making this a stand-up-sounding twitter thread, doing my usual best turning the topic into a trendy depression meme while telling anyone who’d listen that I’ve decided to write “real articles” since I “can’t find a job in my field” (I’ve totally looked). So this is me taking a step. I get the tingling feeling it might sound exactly as it would have anyway, except this time i’m gonna have to pry readers from one platform they spend their time on to another that’s about real reading, and somehow this distance is a real marathon to close. I know because I don’t read, and i do run. I expect little and I hope for even less. 

Writing “for real”, as opposed to waxing my usual poetics, has been a terror of mine, along with praying mantises, stick insects and john mulaney’s wife, in a good way. It’s been my plan A as well as my every other plan for as long as I can remember, which is an excellent reason to stay away from it since nothing else could possibly keep it from failing. It’s almost like I didn’t believe in hard work, which is ironic for a person who spent hours a day playing over two-measures loops of music so I’d learn guitar solos for a man. Where’s the reward here? Non-gendered consideration? Give me a break. 

I’ve been told in school that a writer’s first work is oftentimes autobiographical, in reaction to which I thought it would be a funny idea to even try to write about anything else (who could possibly?). That was before I tried viewing it through the lens of standpoint theory and claiming the relevance of my situated point of view as if we needed another white girl to cry about the upper middle class experience. Now don’t get your hopes up, I’m still gonna do it, but I’ll do my best to keep some perspective. There are more important pieces to be written and more important voices to be heard and I’ll never replace them or try to; what I want to do is use the language I’ve had the privilege to develop, and acknowledge my main skill as an opportunity to challenge what needs to be challenged at my own scale. 

Now that I’ve proceeded to justify myself because clearly you had asked, and have realized I’m going to have to find another way to introduce myself than to offer my guests a cup of insecuritea (get it?), let’s move on - I’ve been meaning to talk about, well, me, you got me there - no but really, about my journey trying to put words on my mental health. Tl;dr: I haven’t yet. I’m starting to think the final boss of this game is financial independence so I’ll probably shelf it and go back to super hexagon for a decade or two. What could go wrong. 

It all started when i was still going to school in rollerskates and wearing orange tights to show how I had just discovered the sex pistols - in fact, it started long before, as the nice ladies at daycare told my parents that maybe I was a little more than just shy. The year after that, I was pulled out of school for being unable to stay in class during storytime: I had taken to crying uncontrollably and panicking into a near catatonic state at the thought of the old crone in charge reading fairy tales. I got sick in the morning. I was taken home and it fortunately coincided with my family moving to another village, where I started class the next year and appeared normal, if a little keen on the self-pity. My teacher suspected I was bored, but shit happens, and it didn’t show. I didn’t show.

I never showed. Later on I tried to show and disappear all at once, which was, you’ll see, a little suboptimal, but you do what you can, right. I went from year to year in constant fear and numbness, threats surrounding me in the classrooms, hallways, home, people. I felt injustice and it made me puke, and all that mattered was not being seen, not being seen for this reason at least. To everyone’s surprise, including mine, I had numerous friends, which made the loneliness thing all the more age-typical. Girl-typical. Good grades for a good girl, we never hear her. Now she’s too confident, we hear too much of her. Oh I too was bad at maths! You’re good at languages, where did you learn this? Why do you know that? Why do you talk like this? Look at her, she was ready to cry! We got you! 

Most of what I remember from school is the shame and inadequateness of feeling. I had a few questions: why was I obsessed with sex, how would boys like me, why did it feel better talking to adults even though I was ashamed to do so. At home, I was shamed for masturbating and at school I was just ashamed without anyone needing to make me that way. I don’t know where the trauma was, so don’t ask, okay? I know it’s gotta be in there but how can I tell what’s real and what’s a memory this abusive therapist planted for the sake of being right? 

My body felt like a traitor, always horny and always heavy and always numb. The swimming pool was a nightmare. My femininity was nowhere to be found. The delicate, cheerful way the others sang and hopped around made me grow old, I found myself revoltingly fat, I found my hair too short, and why didn’t I know how to dance? Why were people telling me I was so honest when all I did was be ashamed? Something wasn’t working out for me, and I was crying often. As soon as I pictured myself skipping and singing i couldn’t hold back my tears. I invoked this image of me as what I figured would be a normal little girl, and I felt a thousand years old, an antediluvian tree, its movements blocked and its curves absent. 

The body did things and I hid them. Through puberty i felt like an impure, sexless organism, like secondary sex characteristics implanted on a shape, a bunch of pubes on a round mistake. I didn’t know what makeup was for and my friend group had common enemies: lingerie, sluts, girly girls, because they could not be smart, they wore thongs and smoked and thereby lost the war of clever versus hot. Somewhere along the line we admitted to masturbating and that was the breakthrough, that’s that on that, and one day a girl choked another during recess. Around this time fat became an issue and everyone knew before I did, because it was normal and I overplayed normal. The limits were, and are, invisible to me.

The old school ended without a diagnosis, and I feared for my life since some older kids made a hobby out of telling us we were gonna get beat up as soon as we’d have set foot in the new school. I was scared, normal scared at first, and I shared the scared, which was something I thought I could get used to (unfortunately I did, and then it went away). I moved on and at first it all seemed to have worked out, I had kept some old friends around and even made new ones, I had a boyfriend for one month and we held hands before I told him I was a vampire (I had read a book by Anne Rice) and he no longer wanted to speak to me. I didn’t particularly mind. I found another (I didn’t want him and we tried to fit him inside me; it didn’t even feel like it would ever be a physiological possibility, he was a gentle friend, I was not receptive). I found another (it worked out and we dated for five years. I did manage to fit him inside me, and to this day i’m not certain I should have). Fat had become an issue. 

For the first year it didn’t show - well, not alarmingly so. I studied how to girl and promptly found out that caring about the body seemed an effective shortcut, and I did, very much. I was nerves and erogenous shame, a piglet in human cast, and anything that touched me sent thunderbolts of frustration through my entire bedroom; anyone that talked to me was taking me by surprise and met with confused torrents of whatever had to come out that day. At this point we called the food thing “being careful”: you didn’t want to gain weight so you were “being careful”, salad instead of a main course, no ice cream, careful. Look in the mirror, have you been careful enough? I have a very clear image of walking in on my mother weighing herself and telling me “you see, the biggest worry for moms is to have a flat tummy”. She denied it ever happened. Truth is, the last time she said it was three days ago. 

Then came the warnings and I had already learned to take them as compliments. Everytime someone told me I was eating too little, I was gaining points. I was about to graduate. I was about to evolve like a training pokémon; warnings were congratulations and fear was validating me as a fragile young girl, finally, finally, no longer a slug. You could say it was progressive, and throughout the whole thing I was taken care of, yet I slipped through everyone’s fingers because I had lost twelve kilos and weighed a remaining 36 (that’s 79 pounds). 

My grandmother was afraid of my hands and my body was drying out, dehydrating, too weak to menstruate or feel. During this time I have never fainted, but have pretended to numerous times. I still wasn’t the center of the world, so I considered it a failure. My mother’s friends said I needed to gain weight for men to love me, my mother said I needed to eat or people would keep staring, and everytime I bought diet coke my boyfriend gave me the look you give to a relapsing junkie, because it was the case. All other possibilities had been eliminated, by me. 

The abusive therapist was there all along, but then she was okay still. I saw her all the time, did all sorts of talking and then I saw a doctor and she measured my heart and threatened me with a hospital stay so I cleaned up my act. I was admitted once, in a special unit for teenagers, and it was a nightmare. The others were real and a girl lived there long term because her mother threw chairs in her face (she was the first one to come and introduce herself to me, smiling, complimenting my clothes, kind). One had lost her father and one didn’t like spinach. Before I could spend the night I had caved in and my parents collected me, and I collected the phone they thought was the problem. ED treatments: isolation won’t do shit, trust us. We get better because everyone else is less cruel than you were, and don’t say that’s the point. You lasted one hour before telling me my skirt was too short. 

At one point I told the abusive therapist I was going to get better, and I did. It had lasted about a year and the doctor said it hadn’t been real anorexia or I would have had it worse, and I thought, the nerve on this person that jumped on the occasion to invalidate me as soon as I ate one bite. Don’t you dare take the words from my experience, don’t be ridiculous, I’ve already claimed the words - I do realize how lucky I was, others died, I didn’t, but I was very ill indeed, your ego be damned. I was very ill, I was offered fashion advice and condescension and suggestions that I should stop or men wouldn’t look at me, and I was not medicated and I had my asshole pumped full of water because it had dried shut. My heart sounded like a ruffled biscuit wrapper and my first year of high school was a made-up arrangement for me to not completely float away: I would come to some classes for the sole purpose of keeping myself afloat and would repeat the year no matter what. I think this kept me alive. 

My first days of high school i was a mummy. I had taken to rubbing the skin off of my arms with a pumice stone until they oozed with pus and burned constantly, I wore bandages from my wrists to under my t-shirt sleeves, I don’t know how my legs supported me, I don’t know how anyone did. I had picked a special high school where half my classes would be in english but I’d know nobody: I lasted two days and was transferred to my local school, and there I appeared sporadically in french class, bonding with the delightful old man who gave it and thought my writing was “images”. He said I should do contests but maybe I wouldn’t win because “the best ones often don’t”.

I repeated the class and fell in love with the next french teacher, a gentle woman who taught us about the middle ages. She was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen, mysterious, a woman but not just a mother, she didn’t know what to do with my writing and I’m ever so sorry she had to fence off the embarrassment and try to be a good role model. Lucky for me, she really wasn’t. 

Ultimately I got better. But I gotta say: my style during this era was off the charts. I looked amazing, I copied Amanda Palmer and my boyfriend and the mad hatter and David Bowie, I once went to high school with a suit and converse because of David Tennant, and I cut my own hair with kitchen scissors. My then-boyfriend painted my t-shirts with foetuses and whatever else we found extremely shocking. We said we’d lose our virginity to raw power by Iggy Pop (did we?) and his mother said she was afraid I would mentally screw her stable, balanced son whose anger issues had him slap me a bunch of times - I would have slapped me too, I said then, and almost stand by it. Years later he phoned me saying he was in therapy and he was sorry and it wasn’t my only fault; I don’t think i hold grudges and I’m glad others don’t either. My mother, however, does. Beyond unrealistic. Must be exhausting. 

If I had to describe what anorexia felt like, i’d say it felt like depression but floating, like compulsive obsessing over fashion because I felt I was allowed to now that I was thin; like the most hopeless cul-de-sac with no way out except the one you came from, a well full of serpents like you’re Ragnar Lothbrok and the british are laughing at you from the surface. You float yet sink and you have to claw your way up but your nails are like chalk, you know, from the not eating bit. The anxiety makes every day feel like a year of waiting in terror, and you don’t know why it came and you don’t know why it ends, and sometimes it doesn’t. 

...

I’ll have to return to the abusive therapist topic, which is why this is part one of a series on my experience of mental health issues. This isn’t meant as a self indulgent victimization (although it is self indulgent, I mean what the hell, i’m not catholic) though I don’t think it requires further justification, either. I don’t know what will come out of this once I said everything I had to say on the matter, but for now i’m angry about things, and I feel we need to do better. 

I was in the best possible conditions and my treatment still sucked, and I still spent the last fifteen years of my life in pain because health professionals can’t have an empirical, science-based approach for shit. I’m not exaggerating when I say I was a ping pong ball in a match doctors played with their dicks. Gender informed how easily my anorexia was diagnosed whereas countless young men still suffer in silence; it also informed how patronizing people would sound and how “efforts” were suggested as medication for my disorders. How pleasing men was supposed to be reason enough for me to eat my own illness. How my ‘’giftedness’’ was not investigated and neither was my ADHD because female-coded symptoms are overlooked. I’m pissed off, I’m qualified to be, and you’ll hear more of me. 

-Ju 

[some-cookie-crumbz]

Action Figure

Action Figure Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender Pairing: Kidge Summary: Coran has a set of gifts for the Paladins to help boost morale. They have a few... Concerns, to say the least. Standard Disclaimer: If you read and enjoy this, please give it a like/ reblog so I know if I should write more. AN: I want you all to know that this was the first prompt I had figured out once I saw the full list. I have been hyped for this one!

They’d all been settled in the castle kitchen, nibbling on some almost-brownies Hunk had made and swapping stories when Coran came stumbling in with a decently sized box in his hands. He dropped the box in the center of the table, leaned on it, and grinned widely at them all. “So, Paladins,” He drawled happily, lightly rapping his fingers along the top of the box, “how would you all like a little treat?”

“That depends… Normally your ‘treats’ involve really terrible feats be accomplished first. Like that time you promised us all a day off but first we had to survive a six consecutive rounds of combat against the gladiator drones on their highest setting,” Hunk said wearily, taking a suspicious sip of his milk.

“Personally I believed that the training experience itself was a wonderful treat,” Allura chimed in.

“Yeah, that’s because you’re a nut when it comes to running drills and exercises. Even before you were an piloting a Lion you rode us like a cowboy on a bucking bronco at a rodeo,” Pidge scoffed with a roll of her eyes. She then paused and glanced over at Keith. “Which reminds you, have you ever been to a rodeo before? I mean, you grew up in Texas, yeah?”

He shrugged. “I grew up there in a lot of my younger years but, after age nine, I was kind of a ward of the Garrison,” He explained.

She hummed thoughtfully before Coran cleared his throat to get their attention again. “I believe I asked a question,” He said with a dainty sniff.

“I’m sure we’ll all be happy with whatever you’ve brought for us, Coran,” Shiro said with a small smile.

Coran beamed before starting to open the box. “Well, I’m sure you all remember those phenomenal shows we put on a while back?” He mused.

“You mean the ones were you flanderized us all into stereotypes that could be seen as demeaning and degrading to us as individuals, thus making a mockery of the contributions we make to the team on an everyday basis?” Hunk asked flatly, licking a smearing of chocolate from his thumb. All eyes swiveled to him and he perked up in surprise, an anxious smile starting to turn up on his lips. “Oh, uh, I mean, those shows where we got a bunch of new additions to the coalition?”

“And you almost got us all killed because you had some weird brain slug or whatever?” Lance asked before taking another bite of his brownie.

Keith cocked his head and looked at Pidge expectantly. “Wait, what is that all about? Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

She shrugged. “It was while you were more focused on working with the Blade. You were a little too busy to keep up with at the time aside from the big conference calls to discuss orders and mission specifics,”

“Ah,” He agreed with a nod.

“Anyway,” Coran said as he popped open the flaps, “the show was such a hit that we were selling holocaster recordings of it!”

Hunk seemed to pale at that. “Oh, great, so now a whole chunk of the universe thinks I’m just some goofy slob,” He whined.

“Hey, at least you won’t be looked at like a complete idiot by any life form with a basic grasp of the logistics of space travel,” Pidge quipped back.

“Excuse me,” Allura said calmly, holding up one hand, “but I think I got the shortest end of this deal out of all of us.”

Silence fell at the table for a moment before they all turned back to Coran. “So, uh, what does this have to do with the show?” Lance asked.

Coran brightened significantly at the question. “Glad you should ask, Lance! See, since the recordings were selling so well, Bii-Boh-Bi and I decided that producing merchandise would be a great idea! All the proceeds are used to help fund the rebellion, of course, but it’s been going very well! We’ve sold shirts, hats, stickers, even undergarments!” He said enthusiastically. He then began rummaging through the box excitedly. “We have also sold action figures of all five Lions of Voltron, toy versions of the bayards and a slew of other toys! But this, here, are the prototypes of the latest addition!”

And, with a dramatic flair, he produced a figurine donning the Black Paladin armor.

And the table immediately erupted into laughter.

“Oh, my God! Did they give Tiny Shiro steroids? He looks like two Shiros combined!” Pidge wheezed out, throwing herself back against her chair. Indeed the figurine had rippling muscles… That were significantly more pronounced than the actual Shiro.

“It’s a Double Stuffed Shiro!” Lance gasped, exchanging a look with Pidge and Hunk, before all three erupted into even more ludicrous laughter. Allura looked a bit confused, but was still giggling a bit behind one hand. Keith was looking between the stone figure of Real Shiro and Figurine Shiro, lip between his teeth, trying as hard as he could to not laugh outright.

Coran frowned a bit. “Well, perhaps it looks better in the alternate outfit? It comes with a second costume composed of that really phenomenal black shirt you wore that one time,” Coran suggested, starting to rummage through the box to find the accessory.

“No! No, the figure it fine in the Paladin armor!” Shiro snapped, his brain finally seeming to catch up with what was going on around him.

“Forget what he says! Change it into the shirt, Coran!” Lance all but shrieked.

“Yes!” Pidge hissed out in delirious glee.

“Do it! Do it!” Hunk agreed.

“Why don’t we look at some of the others?” Shiro barked quickly, trying to plaster on a polite smile but the edges coming off just a bit too forced.

“Well, that would be a good idea! As I said, these are just prototypes, so Bii-Boh-Bi wanted to get some feedback to make sure they’re as accurate as possible,” He said, setting the Shiro figure next to the box and beginning to rummage through for another one.

Lance swiped the actions figure up and began messing with it, posing it this way and that. “Fear not, innocent creatures of the universe! Shiro the Hero and his loyal Team Voltron are here to protect you!” He declared, dropping his voice a few octaves to try and imitate Shiro, while making the figure flex.

Laughter echoed again at the table, a crimson hue beginning to creep up along Shiro’s face as he swiped the toy from Lance’s grasp, but then paused to Coran pulled out the next figure.

And then it started all over again.

“It looks like they put Lance’s face under a magnified glass!” Hunk cackled.

“I’m melting, I’m melting!” Pidge squealed, throwing herself against the table for an added dramatic effect.

“Ding dong, the witch is dead~!” Keith suddenly sang, snickering at the nasty glare he got from Lance in response.

“Which old witch~?” Hunk joined in.

“The wicked witch~!” Shiro added, a hush falling for a second before everyone except Lance and Coran started howling yet again.

“It’s not that bad!” Lance protested, swiping the figure from Coran’s hand and looking it over. He opened his mouth to say something, one of his hands waving side to side in the air, then closed it. He then dropped the figure on the table and pulled the box over to himself. “Okay, okay, that’s enough about me! Let’s see what some of these other ones look like!”

“Excuse you!” Coran huffed indignantly.

Lance growled then perked up, freezing for a moment before pulling out a figure of white and yellow. “Oh, Hunk, buddy. I’m so, so sorry,” He said quietly, slowly turning the action figure to face the other Paladins.

Laughter paused for a moment before Hunk reached out, taking the figure from Lance’s grasp. He stared at it for a moment before taking a deep breath and adjusting the face so that it was staring up at the light above their heads. “All around me are familiar face, worn places, worn out faces~!” He belted out.

Shiro, Lance and Pidge started howling while Allura and Keith exchanged confused glances. Keith merely shrugged at her, showing he had no idea what they all found so funny either. “I think it’s another one of those meme things they like,” He mouthed.

“Oh,” She mouthed back.

“But seriously, they made my figure look like I am just ready for death. Like, I’ve given up on everything, no more of this living junk. Totally overrated,” Hunk explained, snickering as he waved his actions figure in the air.

Lance snickered before reaching into the bag again, a sharp bark of laughter escaping him as he grabbed another one. “Well would you look at this!” He said with a laugh, pulling out a figure of white and green. He cleared his throat before turning it to face the rest of the team. “Have you guys seen my pocket protector anywhere?” He asked, making his voice as nasally as possible and even trying to add a lisp.

Keith clamped one hand over his mouth, trying so hard to restrict the laughs vibrating in his chest, while Hunk guffawed like no other. Allura and Shiro settled into quieter laughter, both seeming to gauge Pidge’s reaction before being too vocal. Pidge herself actually snorted a bit, taking the figure and looking it over curiously. After a moment she tossed the action figure over her shoulder, batted her eyelashes, and said in her best Steve Urkel impression, “Did I do that?”

The other humans at the table were sent into another bout of rowdy cackling. Allura chuckled but was still clearly baffled as to what the joke fully was.

“Okay, we’ve only got Keith’s left,” Lance said, rummaging through the box again once he’d settled down.

The boy in question perked up, brow furrowing. “How did they make a figure of me? I didn’t participate in the show,” He pointed out.

“No, you didn’t, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t have a stand in for your part,” Allura said with a quiet groan.

“Tah-Dah~!” Lance sang as he produced the very silver-haired, very Altean and very beautiful Keith figurine to the others at the table.

“Wait, what?” Keith asked in alarm.

“Hey, Allura said it herself; she got the short end of the stick in the ice show compared to the rest of us. She got stuck having to play you,” Lance laughed loudly.

“I only hope that I was able to give you the complexity you deserve, Keith,” Allura said, her grin becoming something more teasing and mischievous.

“Don’t worry, I gave her a few pointers and coached her into the role, to insure the integrity of your character,” Pidge laughed. She and Allura exchanged sly smirks.

“I’m Keith, I’m so emo~!” They chimed in unison before dissolving into giggles.

He blinked then smirked a bit himself. “So then, if Allura is actually Keith, does that mean you two are dating now?” He asked, indicating the two of them.

“I suppose so. Sorry for stealing your girlfriend,” Allura mused, tossing a strand of hair over her shoulder and winking playfully.

Keith put on a fake scowl and looked down at Pidge. “How could you?”

“Hey, it’s not technically cheating since I just went from you to you,” She snickered back. She then shrugged lightly and indicated the other woman with a sweep of one hand. “And, honestly, can you blame me? You just have such a lovely figure that you can’t even compete!”

“Thanks, sweetheart,” Allura crooned playfully, blowing Pidge a kiss.

“Aw, just speaking the truth, sugarlump!” She laughed back, pretending to catch the kiss and pressing it to her cheek.

Keith snickered before looking over at Allura. “You sure you want to take on the responsibility of being in a relationship with that thing? Garbage gremlins can be wily little creatures to date,”

“Excuse you, we prefer the term ‘compost cretins’, you bigot. See, this is why I had to leave you for you!” She said playfully, throwing her hands up in the air in mock-frustration.

The whole table erupted back into laughter while Coran pinched the bridge of his nose. Sometimes he wondered if these Paladins were really worth all the effort.

E

[tenaflyviper]

It's likely you've answered this question already, but are there any horror films that you think are just plain bad? One's that are miles away from "so bad, it's good" territory?

I actually have made a list like this before:

http://tenaflyviper.tumblr.com/post/77535750072/so-its-pretty-clear-youre-a-horror-fan-what

Looking back on it now, I feel I may have been somewhat harsh, as my biggest problem with most of these is that they were just plain boring.

As for Aftermath, I feel as though my reaction is a personal one based on the content, and the way in which it was filmed, as it made me feel very squeamish and uncomfortable.  To be fair to the film, that is exactly how a viewer should feel.  It should make the audience uncomfortable.  That just shows that the director and the actor have done their jobs well.  It’s not “bad” as much as just disturbing as hell.

However, I’d like to add a few more:

Hobgoblins (1988) - A deadly combination of being dreadfully bland and boring, having atrociously-written character dialogue, and making no sense whatsoever.  It’s no surprise that it ended up being featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Slugs (1988) - I really expected to be able to call this one “so bad it’s good”, but it’s like watching an elderly disabled man bombing on stage at a comedy club.  You just kinda feel sorry for it.  Juan Piquer Simónalso directed The Pod People (1983), which is the film featured in what is admittedly my favorite episode of MST3K.

The Wicker Man (2006) - Setting aside all the jokes and memes at its expense, it’s just really, really bad.  It’s a joke for a reason.  Nic Cage’s histrionics can’t even elevate this one to “so bad it’s good” territory.  It’s just tedious, and veers too far from the original film.

Children of the Living Dead (2000) - Easily the most embarrassing thing that either John Russo or Tom Savini have ever done.  Savini called it “horrible”, while Russo (writer of the original Night of the Living Dead) has stated that he regrets not leaving the production entirely.  One look at the main antagonist evokes memories of poorly-made Halloween rubber witch masks.

The Night of 1000 Cats (1972) - Way too much of this film is spent on footage of Acapulco shot from a helicopter.  Not enough is spent on the cats.  The viewer is just left wondering how this dude manages to attract any women at all.

The Bloody Video Horror That Made Me Puke on My Aunt Gertrude (1989) - The title is so promising, but this shot-on-video production comes off more like a project for a high school class (actually, I’m pretty sure my mass media class came up with better).  Barely any blood, no horror, no puke, and no Aunt Gertrude.  It’s a guy misplacing a videotape (which we never get to see) for 83 minutes.

Bloodsucking Freaks (1976) - This is it.  This is a film that I absolutely despise.  Lloyd Kaufman doesn’t even feel comfortable with the fact that Troma owns the distribution rights to this thing, and that should really tell you something.  I am normally always supportive of the right of filmmakers to explore dark–and even blatantly offensive–territory (as many of you know, I’m a staunch defender of the cinematic, psychological, and social value of Meir Zarchi’s I Spit on Your Grave, as well as a lifelong Troma fan), but this film is literally just misogynistic as hell, and you know I’m not the kind of person to throw that word around recklessly.  And the worst part is, as much as it’s trying to be offensive, it’s still absolutely boring at the same time.  That combination oughta be a sin.

I wish I could think of more, but I’ve seen a lot of horror films, and some are just so bland that they practically erase themselves from your memory as soon as you’re finished watching them.

I also have a list of movies that are “so bad, they’re good” (or at least, so bad that they should be experienced at least once, as–no matter how much I wish the director’s vision came out better on film–I just can’t apply the word “good” to Shatter Dead):

http://tenaflyviper.tumblr.com/post/73762794076/whats-one-movie-thats-so-bad-that-youd

I’d delve farther into the “so bad, it’s good” category, but I think this post is long enough as it is.