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aubreyprc · 4 years

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In My Veins 2

Part 1

Hotchniss

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All that you rely on

And all that you can save

Will leave you in the morning

And find you in the day

The five of them stand and stare at the Doctor, none of them breathing as they await his words. Words that could change their lives, their relationships, their family forever.

The surgeon removes his scrub cap and looks at them with what can only be described as pity.

“She made it through the surgery,” He informs them, but his tone tells them there is more to the story than that, “But unfortunately she is still unresponsive.”

“Unresponsive? What does that mean?” Garcia asks, gripping her hand in Derek’s tightly as the man tries to swallow his fear.

“There is brain activity, which is good.” The surgeon tells them, “But she is unable to breathe on her own.”

“But she’ll wake up, right?” The Tech Analyst questions. The surgeon looks at her and then at the rest of them before answering.

“I’m afraid I can’t answer that. Agent Prentiss’ injuries were extreme. Her heart stopped three times during surgery, she also lost a large amount of blood before she got here, as well as a worrying amount on the table.” He tells them all, “For now all I can tell you for sure is that we did manage to stop the bleeding, we were able to repair the damage to her leg with no issues. However because her heart did stop three times, her brain was without oxygen for short periods of time, so if she does wake up, there is a chance there could be some brain damage.”

“Brain damage?” JJ whispers, placing a hand over her mouth and turning away from the doctor.

“She is currently on a ventilator that is breathing for her, her heart rate is steady.”

“But?” Aaron questions and everyone turns to face him, before looking back at the doctor for an answer.

“But, the changes of her coming out of this are low.” He says, “The extent of her injuries were a major cause for concern the moment she arrived, bleeding in and near the lung, tears in major blood vessels and arteries. We have done everything we can for her. Right now, I would suggest that you prepare yourself. The odds of her waking up from this are slim, and if she does wake up there is a chance she might not be the woman you remember. There is no way to tell the significance of her brain injury until she wakes.”

“Thank you.” Rossi says after a few moments, the doctor nods.

“She is in room 804, visiting hours are still for another three hours. You can all go and sit with her.”

“Do you think she’ll wake up?” Garcia asks softly.

“I think the fact she’s made it this far is a miracle. She must be a very strong woman.”

“Yeah.” Garcia smiles, “She is.”

“I can’t tell you for certain what the outcome of this will be. Some wake up from worser injuries perfectly fine while others don’t make it from lesser.. everybody is different.” He tells them, “For now, she’s on a ventilator but things can change very quickly. I’m sorry. I wish I had better news.”

The team nods and the doctor sends them a sad smile before walking away.

“You should go and sit with her.” Dave says to Aaron, who stares at her necklace in his hands while he processes what the doctor had just told them. “We’ll all take turns.” He smiles.

“Yeah.” Aaron says softly, “You’ll let me know when Reid wakes up?” He directs to Morgan, who nods.

“Yeah.” The agent says, quickly wiping a tear from his face. Aaron nods and walks away towards the ICU, once he’s through the double doors JJ hits the seat and sobs, a hand over her mouth as she tries to muffle it. Dave moves to sit next to her instantly, pulling her into his chest.

“Shhh,” He tries to soothe, “It's okay.” He whispers, rubbing a hand down her back. He feels JJ shake her head against him and he can’t do anything for her but swallow the lump in his throat and try and soothe her.

“It’s not fair,” She cries into his chest. Rossi nods.

“I know.” He whispers, “It’s okay.”

“No it’s not.” JJ cries, “She’s.. She could die.”

Rossi tries to think of a reassuring reply but he has none, he himself full of fear for what could happen to Emily. The thought of losing her made him feel sick.

Derek looks away from the scene and heads towards Reid’s room just behind Garcia, who’s wiping her tears.

“How do we tell him?” She whispers as they stare at Reid, “He’ll be up soon and you know he’ll ask for her.”

“We tell him the truth.” Morgan sighs, sitting at the bedside and grabbing the young doctors hand.

“Emily is like a sister to him, this will break him.” Garcia says. Morgan nods and clenches his jaw to stop himself from crying.

“If Emily dies-” Morgan stops, and looks to his best friend, “Hotch is never going to forgive me.”

“Of course he will.” Penelope tells him, “You heard him, Derek. This isn't your fault.”

“Do you think he’ll still feel that way in a few days? If she dies?”

“She wont die.” Penelope says as she messes with the covers on the bed, “She can’t.”

“You heard what the doctor said-”

“He said he didn’t know. Not for sure.” Penelope tells him, “And until someone tells me for sure that she won’t make it, I’m choosing to believe that she will.”

The two wait in silence after that, watching and waiting for Spencer to wake up.

The first thing Hotch notices as he walks into the room is the sound of the ventilator as it pumps air into her lungs. It’s deafening. He walks further into the room slowly, the necklace in his hand as he flexes it into a first tightly, swallowing. Reaching her, his heart breaks at the sight. Her face is deathly pale, the rise and fall of her chest is steady but the sound of the machine breathing for her outshines the joy of seeing her breathing at all. The gash on her temple that has been stitched up makes him inhale shakily and as he takes a seat and exhales, he can’t stop the tears that roll down his face. The room is dark, apart from the light coming in from the corridors. He places his hand in hers as he rests his elbows on the bed, looking at her he gently places her hand to his lips, closing his eyes. “Please don’t leave me.” He whispers, opening his eyes to look at her, “Please.”

The rest of the team minus Morgan and Spencer head into the room not ten minutes later. Hotch looks to the door as footsteps echo in the room. He sends a sad smile to his team, who smile back in the same manner, each one of them unable to really look at Emily, lay there while a machine pumps oxygen into her.

“Have you eaten?” Rossi asks him softly, holding up a sandwich he’d gotten from the cafeteria.

“I’m not hungry.” Hotch mumbles, looking away from his friends eye’s and back to Emily.

“You should eat something, Hotch.” JJ tells him gently, taking a seat opposite him, looking down at her best friend and back up to him, “If we let you starve she’d never let us live it down.” She tries to joke, lighten the mood slightly and it works, a small chuckle leaves Hotch’s mouth, a shake off his head as she grins softly. “The sandwiches are quite nice, not as stale as the one’s back at our local hospital.” She laughs, passing him the sandwich. He takes it with a smile and nods.

“The doctor wants to know about transporting her there.” Garcia say’s quietly, taking a seat next to Hotch, looking at her friend she smiles sadly, “She’s stable enough for the drive, and they thought we’d all like to be back home.”

“It would have to be tomorrow morning, so I’ve booked a hotel for us all tonight.” Rossi tells him, “It’s up to you, about whether we go.”

Hotch looks at him, back at Emily and then Rossi again.

“Wha-“ He says, before cleaning his throat, “What do you think?” He asks the members of the team in the room.

“I think if the worse happens, she should be at home. We all should.” JJ tells him, “Jack will want to see her, as will her mother, I imagine.”

“Jack can’t see her like this.” Hotch says quietly. Garcia places a soft hand on his arm and he turns.

“If you don’t let him say goodbye-“ She stops, refusing to believe that they have to say goodbye to her. That she’ll never wake up. “He loves her, Hotch. Give him the option to see her.”

“Okay.” He whispers, looking back to Emily, listening to the sound of the ventilator as her chest moves. He smiles sadly when he spots JJ placing her hand on Emily’s cheek, pushing a stray hair behind her ear, before grabbing her hand.

Rossi takes a seat next to JJ and stares at the heart monitor, blinking at every beep that tells him she’s still there. Still alive.

“Eat your sandwich.” He tells Hotch without even looking at him, “She’ll kill us if you don’t eat.”

Hotch mumbles something under his breath, before smirking at his friend and placing a piece of it in his mouth.

“Better than you thought, right?” JJ smiles, Hotch laughs.

“Much.” He tells her.

Derek shifts in his seat when Spencer mumbles something, pulling him from his mind.

“Hey.” Morgan smiles, before placing a soft kiss on the man’s hand. “Welcome back.”

“Hi..” He says, his throat dry. Morgan grabs the cup of water from the side and places the straw at the younger man’s lips, smiling as he takes a few gulps. “What happened?” He asks as Morgan takes the cup from his lips.

“You had surgery but you’re fine.” Morgan smiles, “Two weeks medical leave and some physical therapy and you should be back to normal.”

“And Emily? Is she ok?” Spencer asks, his eyes pleading for Morgan to tell him, Yes. She’s fine. Resting for now. Should be awake soon. But the silence his boyfriend gives him tells him he’s about to get the exact opposite.

“Derek.” Spencer says, “Is she okay?”

Morgan looks at him, grabbing his hand and stroking his cheek with the other, before shaking his head.

“She’s on a ventilator.” Morgan tells him, “They’re not sure if she’s going to wake up. She can’t breathe on her own.”

Spencer closes his eyes, a tear falling down his cheek that Morgan wipes away.

“This is my fault.” Spencer says, his voice breaking. Morgan sits on the bed and grabs his chin gently, making Reid look at him, before shaking his head.

“This is not your fault, okay?” Morgan tells him, “You were bleeding internally, it is not your fault. She wouldn’t blame you. She doesn’t.”

Spencer shakes his head, “I made her switch seats with me, before we left.” He says, fresh tears falling, “She was sitting behind JJ, but I-“ He stops, shaking his head, “I didn’t have any sunglasses and so I asked her to switch because the sun was giving me a headache.” Spencer tells him, “It should have been me. This isn’t- It should be me.” Spencer says, before he starts to cry, the reality of the situation coming down on him.

Morgan places his hands on his boyfriend's cheeks and shakes his head.

“We had no way of knowing what would happen.” He tells him, “The truck came out of nowhere and ran a red light.”

“She shouldn’t-,” Spencer starts, but Morgan shakes his head.

“This wasn’t your fault.” Derek tells him, “If anyone is at blame it’s me and the truck driver.”

“You?” Spencer questions quietly, staring into his eyes sadly.

“I should have been the truck. Should have-,”

“You couldn’t have predicted that the truck would run the light.. our light was green, you-,” Spencer says to him, “If it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t yours either.”

“Okay.” Derek accepts, before placing a soft kiss on the younger man’s head.

“I’ll go and tell everyone you’re awake, I’m sure they’re after some good news.”

“Okay.” Spencer whispers, “Will you tell Hotch I want to speak to him?”

“Sure.” Derek smiles, before standing, looking back one more time and smiling, before leaving the room.

He stands at the door of the room Emily is in for a few moments that feel like forever, before he gently knocks and opens it.

As he steps into the room all eyes are on him and he gives them a nod, before swallowing and taking a deep breath.

“Reid is awake.” He tells them, looking anywhere but at Emily. He can’t. He blames himself far too much to even glance at her. The sound of the ventilator making him want to throw up.

“He is?” Garcia smiles, before her smile drops as she realises he has probably just found out about Emily. His confidant, his sister, his protector. “How is he?”

“He..” Derek says, before shaking his head, “He’s okay, physically, but.. He’s heartbroken about… about Em.”

Everyone stays silent as they look to the floor, all their heart shattering that little bit more at their youngest agents' pain.

“Hotch..” Morgan says gently, the man looks at him, “He wants to talk to you.” Derek tells him.

“He does?” He questions, not accepting it.

Morgan nods, “I can tell him you’ll see him tomorrow if you want to stay here..”

“No I erm.. I’ll come and see him later.” Hotch tells him, still a little shocked by his request.

Derek nods and looks to the floor, before taking a breath and looking at Emily. He exhales and looks away just as quickly.

“Come on,” Rossi says, standing and heading towards the door, “I could do with some good news right now.”

“Yeah.” JJ breathes out, placing a soft kiss on Emily’s hand before standing.

“We’ll be right back.” Garcia says, squeezing Hotch’s arm, the unit chief nods and gives them a small smile as they leave the room.

As the door closes behind them, he looks back at her and runs his thumb over her cheek gently.

“I don’t know if you can hear me.” He says softly, “But i’m asking you to fight anyway. Fight. And come back to us. To me.” He tells her, “You promised me forever so you don’t get back out of that agreement.” He smiles at her, tears rolling down his cheek. “Please, please come back to me.”

Hotch leans back on his chair, his hand still wrapped in her limp one and he takes a deep breath, smiling as he remembers their morning not too long ago.

He’d woken up first, the light from the window in her bedroom piercing through, making him squint slightly as he opens his eyes. He rolled onto his side and smiled at the sight of a still sleeping Emily Prentiss, lay on her front, her head turned towards him, one hand tucked underneath her, the other covering her face slightly. He leaned his cheek against his hand as he lifted his head up, the other hand running a pattern over her exposed bare back, the covers lowering during the night. As his fingers softly traced her back he smiled, looking at her.

“Stop staring at me.” She mumbled, her eyes still closed but a small smirk on her face. “it’s off putting.”

Hotch laughed at that, which made her open her eyes and stare right back at him.

“Good morning.” He’d said, a grin on his face.

“Hmm.” She’d replied, “If you’ve woken me up before eight on a Saturday morning you’ll be spending the next few alone.”

“Good thing it’s just past nine then.” He told her, she smiled as he spoke to her, the feeling of his fingers on her back sending her right back into a slumber.

“You really should have black out curtains in this room. It’s in direct sunlight and it’s very off putting.” He told her, a clever grin on his face as he uses her words. She rolled her eyes and shrugged.

“It’s a new apartment, forgive me for not having the curtains up.” She joked, rubbing her hand over her face before sighing.

Hotch lifted his hand from her back and to her face, gently pushing some hairs from her face, before leaning down and placing a soft kiss on her lips, smiling slightly when her hand found his cheek.

“Good morning.” She finally greeted, whispering it against his lips that were inches from hers. He caught them in another kiss which she smiled into. She’d lifted her body up and over him, straddling him as she looked down at his face. His hands rested on each side of her face, his thumbs running gently across her cheeks. Bending down, she melted her body into his, gently crashing her lips onto his.

The sound of his phone broke the moment and she laughed into their kiss and he groaned in annoyance. He grabbed the phone from her side table.

“Hotchner,” He said, rolling his eyes. Emily laughed silently, placing stray kisses across his jaw, neck and shoulder blades, enjoying the gentle way his fingers traced her back.

“It’s a saturday.” He said to whoever was on the phone. “Fine.” He told them a few moments later.

Emily groaned and rested her head on his shoulder before sitting up straight, legs still straddling him.

“Anyone would think the place would burn down without you.” She’d complained, he laughed.

“Maybe it will.”

Emily looked at him and ran a hand up his chest.

“How long will you be?” She asked him, he huffed a breath.

“Not long, I hope.” He told her, “Just some paperwork.”

Emily nodded and lay herself down on him, her chest rested on top of his.

“You’re only Jack free for another twenty four hours.” She whispered, “If you hurry up we can still make the most of it.” Her lips meet his and he runs a hand down her back.

“Noted.” He told her as she pulled away, a little grin on her face. “I’ll be two hours, tops.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” She nodded, “I don’t like to be kept waiting.”

They’d stood up and she’d made the coffee while he got ready to go into the office. He met her in her kitchen and stood behind her, wrapping his arms around her front and placing a kiss into her neck.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

“Just making the most of it in case I get dragged into a full day.” He told her, she leant back into him and squealed when he turned her to face him, his lips on hers as soon as she was facing him.

“I love you.” He told her when he pulled away, she’d smiled.

“I love you too.” She’d told him, “Now go.” She laughed, passing him his coffee. “I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Good.” He smiled, “I’ll hold you to that.”

“I’m afraid you’re stuck with me, Hotchner,” She’d said, her lips inches from him, “Forever.” She smiled, placing a quick kiss on his lips before taping his ass and laughing, walking away.

“Lock the door, please.” She’d called as she walked into the living room.

Hotch spent the day with a smile on his face and was back in her arms two hours later.

Hotch jumped slightly when a hand landed on his shoulder.

“Sorry,” Rossi said, “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s fine.” Hotch mumbles, rubbing a hand over his face as his mind replays the memory, his heart shattering just that little more at the thought that they may never have that again. That he might never get to hold her again, kiss her again..

“Reid‘s still asking for you.”

“Yeah?” Hotch asks, still unsure about why the young man is asking for him.

“Yep.” Rossi nods, taking a seat opposite him at the bedside, “Go. I’ll stay here. Visiting hours are over soon.”

Hotch stares at Emily, before nodding, knowing she would want him to be there for Reid right now. Right now and alway, just like she would be. The man stands and heads out of the room, placing his hands in his pockets as he walks to the room Reid is in.

Standing outside it, he takes a few breaths before entering.

“Hey.” He says, “How’re you feeling?” Hotch asks Reid, who looks at him with guilt written all over his face and Hotch starts to think he doesn’t have it in him to comfort the young agent right now.

“We’ll leave you to it.” JJ says, patting Morgan on the back in a hint to stand up.

“I’ll be right outside.” Morgan tells Spencer, who nods.

Once the room is just the two of them, Hotch heads further into the room and stands.

“It’s good to see you awake.” Hotch tells him.

“Yeah.” Reid says quietly, “I need to tell you something.” He says, and Hotch nods, remaining calm and collected.

“Okay.” He says, preparing for whatever he is about to hear.

“It’s about the crash.” Spencer tells him, looking at his boss, “About Emily..”

“Reid..�� Hotch starts, not in the mood to hear another person who isn’t at blame to tell him how it’s their fault the woman he loves could die.

“No, Hotch..” Reid tells him, “I know it’s not my fault.. the crash, I mean..”

Hotch looks at him, confusion on his face and Reid clears his throat and tells himself to not cry. He can’t cry. This isn’t about you.

“She..she should have been fine.” Reid tells him, “I made her switch seats with me, before we left the station.”

“What-“ Aaron tries to say but the young man shakes his head and carries on.

“The only reason she’s on a ventilator and..” He stops, “It should have been me, Hotch. And i’m sorry that it wasn’t. i’m sorry that it’s her when it shouldn’t have been.” Reid tells him, a soft cry at the end of his sentence.

Hotch swallows the lump in his throat at he pain in Reid’s voice and takes a seat on the chair next to the bed.

“No matter what you did or didn’t do, no matter who sat where. This is not your fault, Spencer.”

“How can you say that… if I had just gotten in the car and dealt with the headache then-“

“Then it could have been you, I know. I’ve ran through this a million times, Spencer. But nothing can change what happened. There is no point blaming yourself. It can’t be changed.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Hotch tells him, eyes directly on his. “Nothing. Okay?”

Reid nods slowly, before wiping the tears he’d shed and grabbing his bosses hand.

“I really am sorry about Emily..”

“Me too.” Hotch said, squeezing his hand and standing, “When you’re up for it, you should sit with her.”

“Are we going home tomorrow? Rossi said something..”

“Yeah.” Aaron tells him, “We all thought it would be best if we were all back home incase-“ He doesn’t finish the sentence. He can’t. But Reid gets it.

“She’d like that.” Spencer smiles.

Once out of the room, Hotch walks a few steps before dipping down a hall and leaning against the wall, taking a few deep breaths while he closes his eyes.

He feels Rossi next to him, and the man just stands there, ready to be there for whatever he needs.

“The hotel is just a few miles away. We can come back first thing in the morning and get her transported to D.C.” Rossi tells him. Hotch nods in understanding, staring at the wall.

“She can’t die, Dave.” Hotch says brokenly, “I..”

“I know.” The older man says softly.

“I can’t do this without her. I can’t lose another person I love. I can’t.”

“I’m sorry, Aaron.” Rossi tells him, “I know how much you love her.”

“This can’t be happening.” Hotch says, shaking his head, “How can this be happening?”

“Life is cruel.”

Hotch snots and looks to the floor, “You can say that again.”

“I’m not going to stand here and tell you that everything will be okay, because there is a very large possibility that it won’t be.” Rossi tells him, “But I can tell you that I’m here for you. And Jack.”

“Thank you.” Hotch whispers, “I keep thinking about how I’m going to tell him this. He really cares about her, Dave. They have this incredible bond..” Hotch smiles at the memory of the two of them, “He can’t lose anyone else. He’s lost so much and he’s only six.”

“You’re doing the right thing.. in giving him the opportunity to say goodbye. Giving him some closure.”

“Do you think this is it?” Hotch asks, looking at his friend, “Do you think we’ve lost her?”

“I think that the fact she’s still fighting means something.” Rossi tells him, “But.. she’s been through a lot. Sometimes it’s knowing when enough is enough, and letting go.”

Hotch turns away and looks to the wall.

“Say goodbye, I’ll meet you out front and we’ll head to the hotel. You should get some rest.”

“Yeah..” He whispers, leaning off the wall and forcing himself to take the steps to the room she’s in.

The sound of the ventilator breathing for her will haunt his dreams for the rest of his life.

#hotchniss #emily prentiss #aaron hotchner #hotchniss fic #criminal minds fic #derek morgan #spencer reid #david rossi #in my veins

46 notes · View notes

the-starless-sky · 5 years

Text

cozmez / drama part full translation

As usual: If you want to see the prettier version a.k.a subbed version with proofreads, please head to the Paradox Live discord!

Names: Yatonokami Kanata: K Yatonokami Nayuta: N Suiseki Iori: I Mobs: M

P.S. This translation starts right after the sample (again!), so head there if you haven’t read it yet!

K: If I have to go back to that time, I’d rather…

N: Hm?

K: It’s nothing. I’m fine if I have only you, Nayuta. If you’re here, I can do anything.

N: Me too. This world is shit. There’s nothing good about it at all. Let’s rise up, just the two of us.

K: Yeah.

N: Then? What kinda people show up in that Paradox Live?

K: Huh? Dunno. But whatever kinda people they are, it’d be a cinch for us, right?

N: Well, that’s true. Ah, but, promise me just one thing.

K: What’s up with you, being so formal like that?

N: I want you… to not use your phantometal too much.

K: Huh?

N: Recently, y’know… Don’t you think the time until the trap reaction activate shortened?

K: There’s nothing like that.

N: I heard about it once. If you use it too much, you’ll get swallowed by your phantometal―

K: That has nothing to do with anything!

N: Why are you so angry? I… I don’t want Kanata to get bad… That’s why…

K: Ahh, shut up! I ain’t scared of trap reactions! I ain’t made that weak to die ‘cuz of that!

N: I’m not talking about that―

K: Look, Nayuta! This is our chance to rise up. When the time comes for the fight of our lives, it’s now or never! You understand, don’t you!?

N: …

K: Sigh, who is it…!?

I: Yo! How do you do? It’s me, me!

K: Aah, hello.

I: Come to my place a bit, I’ll be waitin’!

K: Sigh… understood.

N: Who is it?

K: It doesn’t matter who it is. Something came up. I’m gonna go out for a bit.

N: Is your body okay? I’m going too―

K: It’s fine so just stay at home, Nayuta.

N: ...Okay, got it.

***

I: Come in! Sorry for always havin’ ya come.

K: What do you need from me?

I: Haha, don’t be hurryin’ like that! Greedy men don’t get popular, y’know? You’re such a party pooper. Well, here’s what. Actually, that there’s someone who has a dirtmetal with super high concentration of phantometal purity around here... Or so I’ve heard.

K: I’m not that free to look around everywhere with just a rumor to go by.

I: You’re being really aggressive today, aren’tcha? Don’t worry about that, I had Zen figure out a mark for you, to some extent. It’s fine if you just go and face some of them. It’s a huge issue this time. I’ll dish out some of the payment in advance. Please finish it by tomorrow morning.

K: But the sun’s already setting. Are you telling me to work without sleep?

I: Oi. Be careful how you speak. Ain’t it always like this?

K: …

I: So! You’ll probably get busy this month, but―

K: No, I’m sorry, but I’ll have to pass this one.

I: That’s rare. Is that okay?

K: Yes. A bigger chance has come, so. Bye.

I: A big chance, huh? Hmmm…

***

N: Ah. Welcome home.

K: Yeah. I’m home.

N: Are you… okay?

K: Yeah.

N: ...Kanata, it’s better for you to sleep now. You’re tired, right?

K: Huh? Yeah… I’ll do that.

N: Go and sleep first. I’m gonna take a breather outside for a bit.

K: Ah, Nayuta…

N: I know. I’ll be back quickly.

K: …

N: Sigh. There’s no helping it. Fine, I wont go outside. Learn to go to sleep by yourself already.

K: Shaddup…

N: Then, I’m turning off the lamp.

K: Nayuta.

N: Yeah?

K: We’ll start making our song tomorrow. The one for Paradox Live.

N: Got it.

K: That’s all. Good night.

N: Good night.

***

N: Mmm.. what are we gonna do for the hook?[1]

K: Hm… you’re right. Get it a bit more dope…

N: At this rate, it’s gonna take us a day just to finish our track.

K: You’re used to it, aren’t you? We’ve been doing this since we’re small, anyway.

N: You look like you’re having fun, unlike yesterday, Kanata.

K: Only when I’m doing rap. Rap is good. Our background’s became our weapon. We’re gonna kill everyone with this weapon.

N: Yeah. Let’s definitely do that.

K: Aah~ It’s not upper… I want our hook to be like… going ‘dizzy-dizzy’ in low temperature…

N: Kanata’s really good at making songs like that, huh.

K: Well, that’s ‘cause I’m a genius.

N: Don’t get ahead of yourself, idiot.

K: Huh…? Wait, wait! I just got an inspiration! Oh man, seems like we wont get any sleep today.

N: It’s good that you’re enthusiastic, but don’t push yourself too hard, okay? We’re gonna have battle with all teams in the competition, right? We’ll have to make a lot of songs, right?

K: I’ll make however many songs we need.

N: I’ll tell you this: not just any song works, okay?

K: Of course. They told us to make songs based on the theme of each battle, right? It’s a pain in the ass, though. Well, it doesn’t matter what the rules are: we’re still going to win.

N: That’s right. As expected, we have to go hard from the get go for things like this.

K: We’ll show them the absolute different in true strength and shut those people up. We’ll blow ‘em hard with our insane lyrics and music. The other guys’ll just half-assedly put together lip service to make their lyrics, anyhow. Something like that ain’t hip hop.

N: Yeah. Let’s show those asshole wacks living an easy life what the real thing is like. The winner will be us.

***

K: Is that Club Paradox?

N: Waah… there’s so much people.

K: Annoyin’… are these guys that free?

N:Ain’t it interesting if we just swindle all of ‘em?

K: That true.

N: Oh well, the ten billion’s ours anyways so who cares about the details.

K: Haha, you’re right.

N: Ah, but y’know…

K: Hm?

N: These clothes, they’re nice, right?

K: Well, guess they are. As I thought, it’s a good thing to let Nayuta choose our clothes.

N: The people are increasing…

K: What a pain. Let’s just quickly get inside the venue.

M1: Oi! Look at them! Aren’t they cozmez?

M2: The real deal!? It’s the first time I saw them! Dang…! Ah… I wonder if they’d give me a handshake…

M1: You idiot, don’t even try! By the way, the little brother Nayuta in flesh has a dangerous feel, huh!? Ah, our eyes met…!

K: Oi, it’s you, right, shitty glasses?

M1: Eh!?

K: You said something just now, didn’t ya?

K: Stop whisperin’ and say it clearly, wontcha?

M1: Eh… no, I…

K: What’s that about Nayuta, huh!?

N: Leave it, Kanata!

M1: N-no… it’s nothing…

K: Tch.

N: Don’t pick a fight with the guests, Kanata.

K: Sigh. Yea.

N: Sigh… even so, people are talking as they please, huh, about us.

K: Our surroundings has nothing to do with us. We’ve never had any ally up until now, anyways.

N: Haha, that’s true.

K: Nayuta.

N: Hm?

K: I’m gonna rise up. But I can’t do it alone. It’s meaningless if you’re not here.

N: It’s the same for me, Kanata. Let’s get out of this shitty world. The two of us, together. If it’s for that goal… I’ll give it my everything.

Notes

[1] In hip hop, hook is the reff/high point of rap. It’s the most distinguishing phrase in the song – it could be talking about the lyric and/or the composition.

#translation #drama cd translation #cozmez #paradox live

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illfoandillfie · 5 years

Note

uhh i’m having an awful day and in the mood to cry!! i loved the prompt list too much to not request. angst 12 and 32? thank you b

Okay this is very late so I hope you’re not still having an awful day lmao but here’s some angsty stuff anyway! I went with Brian cause you didn’t specify who.

A12 - “I wish I’d never laid eyes on you.” + A32 -“Don’t apologise; I know you don’t mean it.”

600 followers celebration blurb prompts

~~~

The sound of Brian’s snores spread through the room asyou quietly cleaned up. He’d had you three times last night, before you’d bothcollapsed, exhausted, and was still out like a light. You however had woken uptwo hours ago. You’d lay in bed for a little while, debating with yourselfwhether waking him was worthwhile but ultimately decided to just let him sleep.Instead you’d got up and had a shower, scrubbing the previous night off yourskin, tracing each one of the bite marks he’d left on your neck and shouldersas you looked at yourself in the mirror. Then you’d gone down to the kitchen,made some tea and toast and read the paper as you had your breakfast. Afterthat you hadn’t been quite sure what to do. You gave the kitchen a once over,putting away the dry dishes on the rack and washing out your teacup. You’d goneto do the same in the living room but it was still tidy from where you’d fixedit up yesterday when Brian called to say he was coming over. The most you coulddo was straighten some cushions that had been disrupted when Brian hadstretched out and pulled you on top of him, actions that had led to a heatedmake out which led to the aforementioned three times.

With the intention of checking if Brian was stillasleep you headed back to the bedroom and decided you’d clean up the clothesscattered over the floor. Yours went straight into the laundry hamper but youdidn’t think there’d be time to wash and dry Brian’s clothes before he had toleave. You picked up his shirt and folded it into a neat square, laying it onthe top of your dresser so he’d be able to find it when he woke. You were goingto do the same with his pants but as you picked them up something fell out ofhis pocket and rolled across the carpet. Quietly as possible you scurried toretrieve it, not realising what it was until it was in your hand. A weddingring. Your first thought was that’s an odd thing to carry around. Yoursecond was straight panic that Brian was gearing up to propose – you hadn’tbeen together long enough to consider it and he’d never so much as mentionedmarriage before. Your third was the calming realisation that it couldn’t be foryou, it wasn’t in a box for one, just loose in his pocket and beside it was aman’s ring, definitely not for you. And then you were back to odd. Ittook you a few more moments of staring at it, brain whirring as it tried tocome up with a reasonable excuse as to why he was carrying this particular itemaround. And then it hit you. It was his. Your gut twisted, a cold dread washingover you as you began to realise the full extent of what it meant. There was noother explanation. Unsure of what to do you put the ring back in his pocket,folded the pants, and left them on top of his shirt. And then you backed out ofthe room quietly. If you couldn’t sit still before there was no hope of it now.You paced the house, walking from room to room trying to rationalise it all inyour head.

You were startled from your thoughts as Brian, fullydressed, wrapped his arms around you from behind and pressed his lips into yourneck.

“Morningsweetheart,” his voice was still rough with sleep, a sound that usually madeyou melt. He pressed another kiss to your neck, over top of one of thebitemarks he’d given you, “These are nice,” he kissed another one, “suit you,”another, closer to your shoulder, “I hope they wont be too hard for you tocover up.”

Youfroze in his arms, skin crawling with every touch of his lips.

“Hey, what’sthe matter? Is something wrong?” he let go of you, spinning you round to facehim so he could examine your face for any hint of why you weren’t respondingthe way you usually would.

“Youdidn’t tell me you were married.”

“I-,”he was stunned, blinking at you like he couldn’t register what you were sayingas words. Eventually he sighed, “How’d you find out?”

“Ifound your ring.”

“Shit,I, fuck, I normally wouldn’t even bring it with me,” He was almost laughing ashe spoke, “but I left in a rush yesterday and forgot I was wearing it. Onlyrealised when I was standing on your doorstep. Jesus I fucked up. You weren’tever supposed to know.”

“Iwasn’t supposed to know? Is that meant to make me feel better?”

“Doesit?”

“Notin the slightest. I’m not….I don’t…”

“What?Not the type to sleep with a married man?”

“GodI feel sick,” you dropped your head to your hands, feeling like you could throwup and cry and scream all at once.

“Hey,look at me,” he tilted your head up gently, looking at you softly, “I’m sorry.I just…things with her aren’t good. We’re working on separating but it’scomplicated. I feel terrible about keeping it from you, I’m so sorry.”You’dheard Brian apologise before. For small things like when he burnt the toast hewas making you or when he stepped on your foot while you danced in the livingroom. And for bigger things like when he knocked over the china figurine yourgrandma had given you before she passed. He’d apologised repeatedly for thatone, doing everything he could to try and make up for it. So you could tellthat this apology wasn’t sincere. It felt like he was saying it because he knewit was expected, not because he was actually sorry. “Y/N?I’m baring my soul here, trying to apologise. Can you please say something?”

Youstared at him for a moment before you spoke, your voice even and calm despitethe nausea you felt, “Don’t apologise; I know you don’t mean it.”

Brianlooked at you with that same soft expression that was meant to make you forgivehim and then his whole demeanour changed. He dropped his arm from your face,crossing them over his chest instead.

“You’reright. I’m not sorry about keeping this secret, only that you found out abouther. Add it to the list of things she’s fucking ruined for me.”

“Thisis entirely your fault Brian. You must have realised I wouldn’t have gotinvolved if I’d known you were fucking married. Otherwise why hide it?”

“Tobe fair I never expected things to go this long with you. You were meant to bea one time thing.”

“What?”

“Yeah,I only went to that bar looking for a one night stand. But you slipped me yournumber and christ I couldn’t stop thinking about your cunt. How fucking tight it was and how willing you were. She was pregnant and wouldn’t let anywhere near her. So I called. Andthen I called again. Not really like we did much talking at the start anyway. Wouldit help if I said she cheated on me first?”

“No,no it fucking wouldn’t,” you managed to splutter through the horror you felt.

“Spose not. That’d have been another lie anyway. As far as I know at least.All I know is she barely fucks me, always saying she’s too tired from lookingafter the kids. It’s why I’ve had to go elsewhere.”

“Youhave kids? Plural?” you’re almost breathless as he hits you with yet another gut punch.Every time he opens his mouth he says something else to make you feelcompletely awful. You remember the marks that cover your neck and you want toclaw at your skin until they’re gone, until you can’t feel him on you anymore.“Yeah,it’s why we haven’t got divorced yet. I love my kids but fuck they make itcomplicated.”“Andhaving a side piece isn’t complicated?”“Notreally. Not until you went snooping where you shouldn’t have been.”“I’mgoing to throw up. Fucking kids and a wife.”“Oh,grow up. This shit happens all the time, you’re not the first girl I’ve done this with. You have lasted the longest though. Might have been able to make it work proper once the divorce was finalised.”

“Iwish I’d never laid eyes on you.”

Herolled his eyes, “Right now, honey, the feelings fucking mutual.”

#my writing #my blurbs #brian may x reader #angst fic #idk #this one took me a million years to come up with #crookedcomedian #600 followers

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devil-in-those-eyes · 5 years

Text

Should Be Me part2 Roger Taylor!Ben Hardy

I SWEAR to God, a smut is in the third part. Also, working on a Peter Beale Imagine :) ENJOY!

“You’re that couple.” Nico said as he walked beside you, up towards your flat.

“Excuse me?” you asked, confused by what he meant.

“You and Roger, you’re that couple.” Nico repeated, “the couple that is together, even when they aren’t.”

You faced Nico as you walked out of the elevator and onto your floor. You shook your head, “Roger and I aren’t anything but friends.”

Nico frowned as he stared down at you, something soft in his eyes. “You really don’t see it, do you?” he asked, speaking softly. “Everyone else can see it, except you.”

“Nico,” you shook your head, watching as he took a step back from you and dug his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket.

He smiled and looked back up at you, “It’s okay, Y/N. I should have known when you told me about Roger.”

Shock rippled through you as you realized that this was Nico breaking up with you. “But I don’t have feelings for him.” You argued, not wanting Nico to leave you.

“Something’s there, Sweetheart. You can try your hardest to ignore it and lie, but I saw the way he looked at you. And the way you looked at him.”

“Nico, please,” you said softly. “I never meant to hurt you, or for this to happen. Please.”

Nico sucked in a deep breath and walked up to you, cradling your cheek in his warm hand. “I’m not angry, or upset. One day, when you finally let him go, call me. But until then, I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t emotionally available.”

You closed your eyes, willing the tears to stay behind your eye lids, as Nico leaned down and sweetly kissed your cheek before wrapping his arm around your shoulders and giving you a tight hug. “I’m sorry,” you whispered, your voice hoarse.

Nico pulled back with a frown line between his eyebrows, “Me too, Y/N, me too.”

You stood there as Nico turned around and headed down the stairs, walking away from you and leaving you alone with all your thoughts. The sadness and shock, of Nico breaking up with you and his words, soon turned into annoyance and anger for certain blond and green eyed man who lived three blocks away from you.

At one in the morning you headed towards Roger, ready to give him a piece of your mind. As horrible as it sounds, Nico was your final step to get over Roger but tonight just proved that you couldn’t forget everything that you and Roger had, what Roger was still fighting for. You knew he still carried small feelings, like you, but you didn’t know the extent of those feelings and Mary telling you that it killed Roger to see you with another man just pushed it all over the edge.

You pressed your lips and knocked softly on Roger’s apartment door, waiting patiently but you thought your heart was going to jump out of your chest. When he pulled the door open and found you standing there, you wished the floor would swallow you whole.

“Love,” he said slowly, pulling the door open further to reveal he was in sweats and no t-shirt, his chest and torso on display for you. “what’re you doing here, what’s wrong?”

You closed your eyes and felt your emotions take over. When you looked back at him, you felt your lips quiver and when you spoke, your words sounded broken. “Nico broke up with me, because of you. Because of us.”

“Y/N,” he grumbled and reached for you but you stepped back, needing to get the words off of your chest.

You had been holding this in for so long, been in the back of your head since it all ended between the two of you. You’ve been ignoring this for too long, but you couldn’t any longer. “I don’t want to have feelings for you, Roger, but I do. I still do and it’s driving me insane,” you told him as the tears fell down your cheeks. “Nico was my weak attempt at getting over you, and I tried so bloody hard to make it work and now he’s gone.” His eyes rounded and guilt struck is face and sadness filled his eyes. He always told you that seeing you cry made him want too as well, but he held it together as you touched a hand to your stomach. “It hurt so bad to know I wasn’t good enough for you, but I didn’t want to lose you so I stuck around. But here you are, telling me you want to fight for us.”

“Fucking hell, Y/N,” he murmured sadly. You walked up to him and touched the hot skin over his beating heart.

Roger’s hands cupped your cheeks, his thumbs catching your tears. “I don’t know how long it’ll take me to trust you again. You need to make sure I’ll be enough for you, because I cant take that type of pain again, not from you.”

“I’ll prove it to you, no matter how long it takes.” He gazed down at you, speaking with nothing but honesty and determination. “I’m not going anywhere.”

After Roger’s promise he insisted on walking you home, so you waited for him to put on a shirt and he grabbed his keys and shoes. The whole time he walked beside you, the back of his hand brushing against yours and at one point, you felt his pointer finger touch the inside of your palm as you stood and waited for the cross walk. When he walked you up to your flat, he whispered sweet dreams, my love and kissed your cheek, waiting for you to walk inside and flick your lock over.

Part of you prayed Roger was being serious and would stay true to his word, but you knew his one night stand caused a lot of trust issues for you and you didn’t know how patient he would be for you. You wanted to be with him, you had been denying those feelings for so long to keep your heart safe, but now he was upping his game and you felt disgustingly vulnerable to him.

You spent the next couple days going about your usual routine of working and hanging out with your friends, even getting calls from Roger’s friends asking when you’d see them again. You didn’t actually see Roger for the first two days after the incident at his apartment, but on the third day you found him standing out side of your apartment complex with two coffees in his hands. For the next week he walked you too work. He called you at night, to tell you about what had happened that day with his band Queen and stopped by your work to take you to lunch.

Every minute you spent with him, you could feel something growing inside of you. You loved it, but you also hated it because what would happen if it didn’t work out between you two again? You certainly wouldn’t be able to stay friends and walking away from him completely would hurt so fucking badly. But when you thought about that, you thought about what could happen if you two did work out. How happy he still makes you, every day. How much he makes you smile and laugh when you’re together. Taking the risk could be worth it in the end.

Another week went by full of his little trips and phone calls to you and currently he was standing in your apartment, blowing steam about something, while you sat on your couch with a glass of wine, watching him.

“They just sprung it on you?” you asked as he ran his fingers through his hair.

“Yes!” He exclaimed.

“But, Rog… it’s for the album, babe.” You attempted softly.

“They said three weeks tops, that’s three weeks of not seeing you.”

You rolled your eyes, “Rog, it’s not like I wont be here when you get back. It’s just a small vacation.”

His eyes narrowed at you, “Are you listening to me? Three weeks. Tops.”

“Roger,” you laughed, “you’re being ridiculous. It’s a recording for your new album, you’re not being shipped off to boarding school.”

Roger had a flare for the dramatics, you were fully aware of this, and he finally calmed down by hanging his hands limply on his hips and sucking in a deep breath, puffing his chest out and holding it in for a second.

“Can you just… relax for a moment?” you asked him.

Roger sighed and went silent for a couple seconds and you knew he was thinking about something, so you let him have at it and sipped on your wine. It felt nice to be able to talk to Roger about everything, every problem you had Roger knew about it and you knew about Roger’s problems. You both loved talking to each other, it just came so easily and the conversation never seemed to dull. It had always been like that between you two.

“You should come with us.”

Your eyes shot to Roger. You laughed, “You’re kidding, right?”

“No, I’m not.” He shook his head.

Your eyes bugged out of your head, “I do believe you just said you’re all going there for no distractions.”

“So?” he asked, “all of the lads love you, they’d love it if you were there. It would ease any tensions.”

“Rog,” you said slowly. “I don’t know…”

“Please,” he begged quietly, “you can bring work with you. It’ll be perfect.”

You sighed, finally giving in. “Fine, alright.”

A grin broke out onto Roger’s face and made your heart stutter inside your chest. You watched as he sat on the other end of the couch, picking up your feet and placing them in his lap. He began rubbing your feet and chuckling when your foot twitched, “We’ll have fun, love.”

You placed your wine glass on the table and settled back into the couch, sighing happily as he continued to rub your feet. “If you promise to do that while we’re there, we’ll definitely have fun.”

Roger lifted up your leg and placed a kiss on the inside of your ankle, smiling as your leg twitched because you were ticklish, “Yeah? I could think of other ways we could have fun.”

With a simple brush of his fingertip, going from heel to toes, and with his teasing smile you realized exactly what he meant. “Roger,” you warned and pulled your leg away from his grasp, “don’t even think about it.”

Oh, but he did. Your feet were forgotten about, but he lunged for you. His talented hands went for your waist as his kneeled between your legs. You squealed as he started tickling you with his legs pressed to your neck, laughing himself while blowing raspberries into your skin as if you were a kid.

“Roger, stop!” you laughed but he continued on, his fingers going wild on your stomach and sides.

You tried pushing against his chest but he only dug his face further into your neck, laughing against your skin and only making it worse. Shivers raced up and down your spine as his puffs of laughter crashed over your skin.

“Rog, please-please!” you exclaimed, gasping for air all while laughing.

Roger’s fingers came to a stop but he didn’t move off from you, instead he braced himself by putting his hands above your head on the arm of the couch. Both you were gasping and trying to catch your breath, “Okay, I’m done. I promise.”

“Oh my god,” you chest heaved against his, “let’s not do that again.”

Roger laughed, his breath fanning out over your face. “Oh, come on, that was fun.”

“For you,” you huffed, resting your hands on his chest and feeling the soft fabric of his t-shirt. Roger continued to smile and you felt the mood between the two of you shift. The last two weeks had been filled with little touches, little cuddles here and there but every once in a while you would catch Roger’s eyes falling to your mouth and every time that happened you wondered when he was going to kiss you.

His eyes were doing that thing again, where they glanced quickly at your lips before trying to look away but failing miserably. You breathed in sharply and laid there as he lowered his head, his lips slowly making their way towards yours but as soon as his bottom lip brushed against yours your phone began ringing.

Roger’s head turned away from yours and his eyes closed tightly. He leaned off of you, giving you just enough space to get out from under him and head to your phone. “Damnit,” you heard him growl just before you picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey, honey.”

“Dad, hey,” you breathed out, looking over your shoulder and watching as Roger sat on your couch, tilting his head back against the cushions.

TAGLIST:

thessxoxo auseklitis theedwardscollection brownhardyho alexnicolaidisss I-cant-hangout-im-drumming

if I forgot anyone, please message me and I can tag you in the next part!

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human-trash-fire · 4 years

Text

Beautiful Disaster: Ch. 4 (Pynch Soulmate-AU)

I realized I never posted Ch 4 for my Pynch AU! So here it is, for anyone interested, HERE is a link to my masterlist where you can find the first 3 chapters. (THIS WILL NOT MAKE SENSE WITHOUT READING THE OTHERS) I’m also on Ao3 as glam_reaper2 <3

Anyways, this fic is the writing I’m most proud of, and I can’t wait to drop Ch 5 this week!

TW: Adam’s Dad/ mentioning abuse, graphic depiction of violence, mention of suicide attempt.

Adam Parrish woke in the early hours on the third day after the alley. The pre-dawn glow streaming through the crack in his curtains cast shadows on the plants and books covering his shelves. Eyes heavy and throat raw, Adam took a deep breath. In through his nose, oxygen flooding his lungs, battling to release the weight that had long since laid claim on the space behind his ribs. He held it until he thought he might choke. Vision blurring, heartbeat hammering in his ears, a pulsing reminder that he was still here; then in a rush, he released. The momentary weightlessness was a small reprieve.

The tiny arm slung across his abdomen a reminder that, at least for now, he wasn’t alone. Blue had crawled into his bed the afternoon before and stayed with him through the long night. Adam moved her arm off and slid as carefully and quietly as he could from the bed, he didn’t wish to wake her. She needed sleep, the exhaustion evident on her face even now.

He moved toward the window, reaching out to open his curtains, allowing the morning light to flood in. And there he stood, hand still holding the curtain, eyes trained on the horizon. He remained unmoved, watching the sun crawl from the earth bathing everything in its path in colors Adam had never seen. They were fresh, warm, soft. They stole his breath and for a moment, a lifetime, he stood frozen and allowed that hopeful warmth to settle in his bones. In awe of the majesty of nature, swallowed whole by the gift of color, broken by it.

His breath stuttered.

The man in the alley would never see a sunrise, or a sunset. He had given Adam this gift and left mere hours before Adam could have reciprocated. His thoughts spiraled, fingers tightening on the curtain, eyes burning. The sunrise moved from photographic clarity to an impressionist painting, and salt kissed his lips.

“Adam…” Blue breathed from his side, reaching out and pulling aside the second curtain to allow a full view.

“It’s-” Adam choked on a whisper, “It’s magnificent, and he’ll never see.”

Adam spent the rest of the week coping in the only way he knew how: throwing himself into his jobs and school work. Blue and Henry had closed ranks, showering him with their own personal versions of love.

For Henry, it was distraction, mindless conversation, a steady companionship during hours in the library. Henry Cheng, though initially someone Adam never saw friendship potential in, was more than most gave him credit for. On the outside, he was loud. From his clothes to hair, he was unabashedly himself: caring, vibrant, loyal. Adam appreciated the effort, never pressured to talk about what was clearly tearing him apart.

Blue was the opposite, in a very Blue way. She brought him coffees and hugs, asked him about his mood, and made highly unsubtle references to “healthy coping mechanisms.” She was kind but stern, pushing him towards what he knew logically was the next step. But this trauma was too big, too heady to file away in the closet in his mind marked “DANGER.”

It had been a little over a week since he watched his first true sunrise when Blue decided to take off the kid gloves.

“Look.” Her voice was as unwavering as her eye contact, sitting next to him on the chipped-white metal bench in the alley beside Nino’s Cafe where they took their break. Nino’s was his second job, and Blue’s “fun money/ free caffeine” job, covering the hours she wasn’t working on her photography portfolio.

Adam held her gaze, and his breath. Her tone brokered no room for argument, and he knew he had spent enough time avoiding answering anything truthfully… Her forcing a “talk” on him was inevitable. He nodded once to indicate he was listening, and waited for her to continue.

“I know you aren’t ready to talk, and that is completely fine. I won’t bullshit you and pretend I have any idea what kind of pain you’re in. No- no,” she held up a finger to cut off Adam’s rebuttal. “Don’t shake your head and feed me you’re ‘i’m fine’ because we both know you’re not. That being said you’re a grown ass man, who makes his own decisions and I respect that. But, Adam?”

He cocked his head to the side, and made a noncommittal grunt.

“You need to do something. You know I always advocate therapy, but -don’t scoff asshole- but, I’m also aware that it’s ‘not your thing’ so I had another idea. Here,” Blue thrust a bag towards Adam. It was a recycled paper shopping bag, rolled at the top and lighter than he expected.

“What’s this?” He asked.

“Open it.”

He unrolled the bag skeptically and peered inside. His right eyebrow hitched as he looked away from the bag’s contents and towards Blue. “The fuck?”

“Letters. That’s my idea. Something I never told you but, when my dad left I had all this rage and I had no one to direct it towards. My mom got me a pack of envelopes and blank paper and told me to try writing a letter to him. She told me I didn’t ever have to send what I wrote to him if I didn’t want too, and I didn’t. The act of venting everything in a direct way really helped me, it was more than a diary, or whatever, because these were shots at an intended target. I could be mad and then seal it in an envelope and the weight in my chest lifted a little. I thought maybe…” She motioned towards the bag with a crooked smile and a shrug.

“Letters…” Adam repeated. “To a dead guy?”

“Yes.”

“Blue, I don’t know.”

“Look, just take the damn bag. Do it, or don’t. I can’t and wont force you. But at least consider it.” Then she rose to her full height, the most intimidating 5 feet he had ever seen, giving him what could only be called a “mom look” and sauntered back inside.

That night, weighted down by grief and half delirious with exhaustion, Adam opened the bag. He pulled out the box of white envelopes, cracked open the pack of college-rule paper, and grabbed a black pen from the cup at the right of his desk. This is so stupid, he thought as he put his pen to paper...

i. You, I never knew your name. You left before I ever had the chance to ask. I wish more than anything that I knew your name, at least then I’d be able to grieve a person instead of a stranger in an alley. You were… Exquisite. Even floating in a pool of your own life, you were beautiful. You were. Past tense. Gone. I dreamed of knowing you. The idea of you, in abstract my whole life. I didn’t know who you’d be, but, still I dreamed. It was my secret. The odds of finding your soulmate are so slim these days, and yet… In the quiet hours of the night, bone tired and barely standing at work, or when the hunger pains threatened to cripple me, I’d pull you out of the careful place in my mind, and dream. It’s dangerous to dream. I know better now. You fucking left me. How dare you? It’s probably a good thing you’ll never read these letters. Blue, my best friend, suggested I write them to help me “find closure.” That’s very Blue. She’s all about self-care and talking through feelings. Henry, my other friend, agrees with her. So here I am, attempting to vomit my heart on a page in hope of finding some semblance of peace. There is so much I wish I could have told you, and so much more that would have terrified me to admit. That’s one benefit to your never knowing me I suppose... Honestly, it was probably for the best that, in the end, you never had the chance to try knowing me. I’m a disaster. I’m unknowable. And that’s, fine. Ya know? I’m okay, I think. Holding onto that which sets me apart, and working my hardest to fix everything else that’s in my power. That’s how I got here, Georgetown. I did it myself. That’s something I would have told you, because it’s something I am proud of, though I’ll never say. I worked 3 jobs through highschool, made straight A’s, volunteered, and slaved away. I saved money in a shoebox under a loose vent in my trailer to buy books. My dad would have killed me, literally, if he’d ever found that. I was supposed to give them everything, but I hid that. I hid so much. I got really good at hiding in that place. Henrietta… What a fucking shit show. Anyways, I saved and pushed myself. I think I ate maybe once a day for those years, if I was lucky? I know I barely slept. But it was worth it the day the acceptance letter came in the mail. Georgetown. 3 hours away. A world away. A full ride. I was so fucking happy that day, I even allowed myself to dip into the shoebox to buy a coke fom the gas station by the autoshop I worked at. That was my life then, and still is now, to some extent. Small rewards, focus on the bigger picture. Work, work, work, and then one day have the power and money, the status, the ability to fight for people like me. I had barely put the box back when my dad, Robert, saw me holding my acceptance letter, and a $20. I wasn’t allowed to have money in my room, even if I made it myself. It was “for the family” he always said. “Do you want us to starve?” “you think you’re so fancy at your charter school don’t you?” always the same. Always cruel. So I’m standing there, money and letter in hand, smiling like an idiot when he comes in. I’ll never forget that day. I’d taken so many beatings from him by the time I was 17, it was second nature really. But this one? For some reason it surprised me. I thought for sure that he would be capable of some sense of joy. I got into college, for free. But Robert wasn’t like that. I could smell the beer on his breath. Keystone, always fucking Keystone. It smells like piss. It still makes me gag. “What the fuck is that?” he asked. And I didn’t know how to respond. I remember stuttering. I was always stuttering, mumbling, hiding, lying. Anything to avoid the inevitable. “I asked you a question, boy.” I panicked. “Its, uh, a letter, sir. An acceptance letter. From college. I-I got in.” Apparently it wasn’t the right response. I don’t remember much after that, I know he told me I had no right to hide money because I “owed him.” I always owed him. For breathing, for having the audacity to live. That night was the worst I can remember though. He wouldn’t stop. He was screaming about how I wasn’t allowed to just leave. I took more hits than usual, but I could have handled it. I’m no stranger to broken bones and bruises. But I was so scared this time. I knew, somehow I knew that this was it. If I didn’t get out he was going to kill me. Kill me because of a $20 and a full ride. I tried to run. I did. I never made it very far though. He caught me, and the last thing I remember was a screaming pain in the left side of my head. I don’t know why I’m even writing all this, maybe Blue and Henry were right? I’ve never even told them all of this. I really doubt I would have told you this had I been given the chance. I would have stuck to the barest details: Deaf in left ear. Accident. Long time ago. I don’t talk to my parents. Or maybe I wouldn’t have hid…Soulmates are a safe space right? Through whatever magic, or science, or God (if you believe in one of those, I don’t- hope you wouldn’t have cared) we are supposed to be able to share it all. A balance. A quiet place. A home. I wonder what you would have said if I told you? I hope it wouldn’t have been pitying. I don’t do pity. I’ll never know that though, which is maybe a relief? I don’t know. I hope you would have been proud though, that I did get out. Of what I’m doing with my life now. I haven’t even told “you” have I? I got a double Bachelors in Political Science and Conflict Resolution. I’m currently taking a Masters in Public Policy. I know, most people see “Georgetown” and “Politics” and think “Here’s another white guy with dreams of power.” But it’s not that. I’m going to change things, my thesis is on Domestic Violence: prevention and programs. I’m going to fight for the kids like me, in the homes like mine. I’m going to fight for every time I didn’t hit back. Every bruise and broken bone. I’m going to change the world for the Adam Parrish’s. I’m going to bring an end to the Roberts. That’s what I’m doing now. I guess I’ll be okay without you. I’ve always been better at work than relationships anyway. If we’re being honest you probably would have hated me. I’m terrible with making time for anyone. I have goals though, I don’t have the luxery to fuck around. I’m not conducive to a partnership, and I’m not even sure I’d be capable of love. I would have tried for you though. Maybe you needed that. Maybe if you’d had it, love, you wouldn’t have ended up in the alley. I don’t know. I wish I could ask you why. I just… fuck. This letter is getting severely out of hand. It doesn’t matter why you did it. You did. And that’s that I suppose. Forever a mystery, the man with the beautiful face and ice blue eyes. “I used to build dreams about you.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald, Benediction That’s all you are now. A dream.

He folded the pages in thirds, slipping them in an envelope, and sealing them away. On the outside he wrote the number one, then slid the envelope into a crack between one of his potted plants and a row of books on his window sill. Then Adam crawled into bed and finally slept; for once it was a dreamless- restorative sleep.

Shattered heart hanging heavy in his chest, Adam looked up when the bell above the door to Nino’s chimed the arrival of a new patron. The young couple made their way towards the counter. The smaller man leaning lovingly into the side of his partner, while the taller man looked down lovingly, arm draped across the first’s shoulders. It was a quiet moment, something so personal and beautiful Adam looked down, he didn’t want to intrude. His hands were shaking, a bitter jealousy crashing like waves in a storm through his entire being. He took a steadying breath, trying to quell the rage, and uncapped the black marker, grabbing a cup to prepare to take their order.

“Hi,” he bit out through his customer service smile. He looked up from the cup in hand, allowing a little of his Henrietta lilt to color his words into something close to friendly. “Welcome to Nino’s, what can I get started for you today?”

“Hi! Can we please get a- Oh, wow!” The shorter man had stopped mid-sentence and leaned close to Adam across the counter. “Your eyes are so blue! Babe, have you ever seen eyes so beautiful?” Adam wanted to fucking snap. The larger man leaned in as well and hummed in approval.

“No I haven’t, sorry. I know this is probably so inappropriate,” he leaned back, tone placating. “We don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, this is just all new for us-”

Adam didn’t fucking care.

“-Anyways, can we please get two Americanos, and a a slice of apple pie with two forks?”

Of course, Adam nodded. He finished the order and made the drinks with shaking hands and a barely controlled rage burning him from within, blooming pink across his cheeks.

He couldn’t breathe.

When he returned home, he slammed his door and flew to his desk; practically tearing a lined sheet from the pile of supplies from Blue and began to write. Pen pressed so hard small tears formed in the paper as he purged…

ii.

You.

Fuck you for what you did. For what you did to yourself. What you did to that man in the alley. Screaming. Begging. Holding you together.

For what you did to me.

I hate you.

I hate that I love you. The idea of you. Because you couldn’t even wait for me. I never got the chance to love the real you, and I loathe you for it.

You fucking left me alone.

All this goddamn color, all these beautiful things, and I’m still living in black and white.

I’m drowning.

You were my hope.

You were my end game. Sometimes, I fear you’ll be my end.

I can’t get away from the idea of you.

I see your face every time I close my eyes.

You’re haunting me.

You’re ruining me.

Fuck you.

I hate you.

Fuck, You.

You…

Why did you leave me all alone?

When he finished his breath was ragged, chest rising and falling in heavy swells. Angry tears drying splotches across the page before him, turning certain words into a blurry but still legible watercolor. He threw his pen across the room, shoved the letter into the envelope marked 2, and placed it alongside the first.

Adam spent the remaining days of September numb. He had taken to carrying a few sheets of paper and envelopes in his messenger bag in case he ever needed them.

It was on one particular afternoon -two days before September ended- as he sat in Nino’s sipping coffee and staring blankly at the textbook in front of him, that he wrote his third letter. He felt untethered, unbalanced, the sky outside was such a pale blue that his mind began to wander. With a sigh, he pulled out a sheet of paper, and an envelope marking the outside with the number three.

iii.

You,

I’m so lost…

I can’t fall asleep without seeing your eyes.

Unfocused.

Unblinking.

Ice cold.

Fathomless.

Broken.

I wonder how they looked when you were happy… I hope you were happy, truly happy. At least once there before the end.

I bet they were beautiful.

Come back.

Please…

Adam stayed staring at that plea, that unanswered wish, until his coffee was cold. He wondered if this would ever end, he wasn’t unfamiliar with want. Adam had wanted more than anyone he had ever known. He was accustomed to the pain, the resentment that came with wanting that which you cannot have, but unlike all the other times this was wholly unattainable. No amount of extra shifts, A’s on homework, perfect test scores, hard-work would ever give him this particular want.

He packed his bag slowly, tossing his coffee in the trash by the door and waving half-heartedly at his coworker behind the counter. The bell chimed his departure and he made his way out into the chilly September afternoon. The walk from Nino’s to his apartment was blessedly short. As he rounded the corner at the end of the block he was assaulted by the acrid smell of smoke.

Adam looked up, chill already forgotten, for the source and his eyes landed on a peculiar sight: A handsome man, in a nice crisp peacoat and cashmere scarf. Standing, hands clasped behind his neck, staring into the open maw of a smoking, Candy-Orange, ‘73 Camero.

“Hey!” he half shouted, making his way towards the gentleman, his greeting had clearly disturbed an emotional crisis. “Hey, sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you, did you maybe need some help?”

“Oh, hi. Yes, Hello. I’m, no thank you. I’m alright. I’ll give someone a call, The Pig is an auto-shop frequent flyer I’m afraid. Though, I’ve never seen it smoke quite so heavily.” The man half laughed, and shook his head.

“I don’t mind, I’m actually a mechanic down at Boyds. I can take a peak and see if I can do anything here if you’d like? Save you a trip.”

“Are you sure? I’d be more than happy to pay y-”

Adam shook his head fiercely, “No need. I’m Adam, by the way.”

He held out his hand towards the man, who grasped his in kind. A vibrant smile lit his face, “Lovely to meet you Adam, I’m Gansey.”

#pynch #pynch fic #Adam Parrish #ronan lynch #ronan x adam #blue sargent #gansey #gangsey #bd au

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jumoonjae · 5 years

Text

SAVE ME pt 1

Pairings: Reader X Seungyoun X Wooseok Ft YooA Genre: Action/ Angst/ Fluff

Summary: After someone save you, you had no choice but to join his adventures that unintentionally unveil fragments of memories that you never knew ever existed before, revealing who you really are and what are your connection with the stranger. Will it be a good idea to find the missing puzzle?

Forensic was your passion. Some would call it odd while some would call it unique. Sometimes things would get eerie when the cadaver’s condition was far beyond your brain could have ever imagine and sometimes you spent many sleepless night just because you couldn’t push away the gore image that would stuck in you head for days. When it comes to food, you had stop eating intestine since you started your carrier, You even thought about being a vegan at some point.But you glad you didn’t. That’s the thrill you always love about your job. It wasn’t boring, not so adventurous for an average woman like you.It was just fine. Until one day.

You received a new cadaver that morning, it was named ‘John Doe’ because they couldn’t identify his features and there was no some sort of id found when they found his body. His face was burnt to extent that only his bone was left. It was a murder the police said, so every report should be given straight to them which mean you need to carry out detailedautopsyand submit the report within 24hours from the recorded time you had received the cadaver.

“New case?” Wooseok stop by while you were preparing yourself for the autopsy. He always the first to know when there’s a murder case and you never know how. He loves to tease you when you use full personal protective equipmentsaying that you looked like a astronaut.

“Yeah. They want the full report in 24hour. Like usual.” You sighed while putting in your gown and he help you tie it up securely from the back.

“Are you alone? Where’s your intern?” He looked around for another person outside the procedure room for your intern but only greeted by the cold eerie corridor which made the hair on hi nape to stand every time.

“I don’t know. He didn’t showed up this morning, didn’t call or text me at all. I already informed my head so she’ll find someone else to replace him for today.” You put on your second gloves then your eye shield. Turning to face him to see his grinning face.

“My little astronaut.” He tapped your head with a playful grin then sent you off with a kiss on your forehead into the cold room leaving only you with the cadaver.

You first checked every detail on the outer skin for evident before cut open the chest using the equipment carefully. You heard the door open and you stop to turn back looking at the person who you assume will assist you throughout the autopsy.

“I supposed you are here to replace my intern?” You asked and he only nod. He was tall. Taller than your intern, but you never saw him anywhere before.

“Are you new?” You asked again, but the stoic looking guy only give you another nod. So you assumed that he must be nervous and might not really know well the procedure.

“I’m Y/N by the way. Weird, they never mentioned they’re taking new intern this month. Come, you just need to hand me any equipment when I ask you to. Its your first day, so I wont give you hard time.” You gestured him with aa assuring smile to the other side of the metal bed and he obeyed. He does look nervous.

The autopsy went quite stressing you would say. Because the guy was constantly vomiting and it slows you down. But you couldn’t blame him at all. You fainted the first time you saw an open clean cadaver during your second year of university all you could do was give him encouraging smile and told him that it was okay if he wanted to rest. But he didn’t leave he stood there for hours with you obeying your orders until you were done. But never once he open his mouth to speak. Only to vomit.

“You’re done here, I just need to check the organs for a bit and I’m done too. I’ll do the rest of the report, you can go back to your station. Thank you for the good work.” You smiled but he didn’t he just nodded and ready to take his leave when he heard you whispered.

“Inflammation on the intestine. Interesting.” You mumbled then took the blade to slice open the inflamed part and found a microchip. You took the chip using a forceps and didn’t realize how the man that assisted you stops in his track and eye grew wider at the chip that you were holding. You flinch hard when you heard someone knock on the glass from the outside of the room.

“God damnit.” You cursed. You saw a stranger standing outside looking at you with a surprised look, he was in shock but then you saw urgency in his face pointing to your intern and gesturing you to move away from him before he rushed to the entrance door which is the opposite side of it and you were dumbfounded.

But before you could ask the intern about the commotion, you saw him took something from his back and the next thing you know, he pointed a gun right at your face making you freeze and you swear your blood was dried out because you were shocked and terrified. Your whole life flashed on the tip of the gun and you don’t even dare to look away from the gun.

“Now, place that chip inside that evident bag and give it to me.” He pointed the gun to the bag then back to you and you do as he said. You heard the door slams open and a shot fired making you duck down and scrambled to the trolley where you placed your equipment to take cover hand still holding on the bag clutched to your chest. You were shaking profusely and you waited for another shot. But instead you saw the stranger run to your side and took the chip from your hand putting it inside a case. He was crouching next to you and you stare at him waiting for explanation. But it never came.

“You need to come with me. He had seen your face, you need to hide for the time being.” He didn’t look at you but looking for the intern. Another shot was fired by the intern and he fired back you assume hit his target, because you could a loud thud and a grunt. You hurriedly took off your gloves and all of the equipment from your body before taking his hand. Next thing you know, you were already at the hospital lobby hand in hand rushing to the entrance. That’s when you saw your boyfriend who was leaning on the counter checking some paper. Almost like he could sense someone was looking at him, he raised his head and found your eyes immediately. He’s looking at you then at your close proximate between you and the stranger then looking down to your hand that was holding the stranger’s hand. He looked confused. He then put the paper down at the counter and try to run to you but it was difficult because the lobby was crowded that he keep bumping into people, he was calling your name few times with a pained expression. He looked hurt and it hurts you. You try to pull your hand from the stranger and run to Wooseok but his grip was getting tighter.

“My boyfriend. Please let me just explain to him.” You tugged his hand and you both stop. He was hesitating but let you go eventually. But the minute you took a step toward Wooseok, you heard a gunshot and everyone starting to run from every direction making you lose Wooseok from your sight. Everything was chaotic, you heard kids were crying and their parents were comforting them on the floor and they were bumped by the crown almost stepped over. You feel like crying seeing how scared the crowd was, there’s a old people who was covering their ear in fear and it broke you heart. You couldn’t stop blaming yourself. If you just hand the chip to the shooter earlier, this wont be happening.

You saw the shooter who just exited the lift still holding his gun upward with a bloody shirt on his shoulder. You recognize him, he was the one who disguised as your intern earlier. You wanted to run to him and stop him, you were in rage, you want to fight him but you don’t know how. He was kicking someone who was on his way and you feel your blood boiling inside you. You were about to scream at him when feel a tug on your bag and you saw the stranger cocked his head to the entrance, you look back again to the crowd to look for your boyfriend. When you couldn’t find him you turn back to the stranger and saw his apologetic eyes.

“Run to the black Audi outside. I’ll cover for you.”

“We need to help them. There’s children in here. We can’t just leave.” You were crying but you don’t know since when. It was anger, not fear. It was rage, frustration.

“The police will come. We need to take the microchip to the police immediately. Please. Save yourself first.” There was urgency in his voice, he was pleading, almost like saving you was his main reason why he showed up. He grabs your hand and persuaded you until you obeyed.

***

You were at the police headquarters but you were locked inside a cold room and were interrogated by the police and the stranger was nowhere to be seen.

“Where did you found the chip? This contains the government’s confidential files and it should be in the Blue House. Why is it in your possession?” He asked for the hundredth time.

“I told you already. I was the one who did the autopsy for the dead body I just received this morning and I found this inside his gut. I work for the government I would have finished the autopsy report if it wasn’t someone try to take it away from me and your guy had to bring me here.” You’re on the verge to snap at the officer, but you didn’t because you want the interrogation to end a soon as possible and call Wooseok. He must be dead worried.

But they didn’t let you go and it was already midnight. You saw one of the officer’s wristwatch when the send you some food that you didn’t touch.You back hurts because you had been sitting down since the moment you’re arrived, your hair was a mess by the constant tugging and scratching because you couldn’t stand sitting doing nothing. Your face flinches to the cold when you rest your face at the table and let out a long sigh. But before you could close your eyes, you heard someone was opening the door sneakily. You turn to look at the person.

“Hey come on. We need to run.” The stranger took your hand and you let him dragged you out from that place. You don’t really know why you obeyed. Maybe you loved the thrill, the adrenaline that surged every time you’re running away.

“They must’ve out of their mind locking an agent inside a police headquarter.” He just mumbled the word, but you heard. He sounds frustrated, maybe something went wrong. You wanted to ask why but you saved it for later. You just need to focus on getting out from that place that instant.

***

“Sorry about your boyfriend. I wish I could give you more time.” He breaks the silence in the car that he stole.

“I cannot say its fine. But what choices do we have. Thank you though, for saving me.” You said without looking at him. You stare at the light thinking about Wooseok. His pained expression when he couldn’t reach you. But your mind couldn’t fight the curiosity to know what was the chaos all about. What so special about the chip and why you found it inside a dead body intestine.

“What’s with the microchip? Why the made such a fuss for that thing?”

“It’s the evident of corruption that was happening inside the blue house, treason, murder, bribery. Everything that can be use to take down everyone that involved.”You nodded still looking at him waiting for more information. But he didn’t seem to have a plan to give you more.

“But you don’t have it now.”

“Says who?” He smirked taking it out from his back pocket showing it to you. Your eyes widen in shock and asked how he got it back.

“It was a bad idea to lock me in there. The whole department had been compromised. The police will come for us.”

“What? So they’re going to hunt us now? Who are you people? How did I get involved into all this?” You grunt to your last word and let out a long sigh tugging your hair again.

“You can put it that way. I work for the government too. But I’m from a team that was established by the president himself for special mission like this, only few people in the Blue House is aware about our existence. Yesterday I got this mission to retreat the microchip and they asked me to investigate more about it. The one at the hospital earlier was the people who try to get the chip to blackmail any powerful person on that list for money and power. The police, some are already know about that shit and they try to destroy the microchip to save their bosses ass.” He explained without once taking his eyes off the road. He didn’t pause or stuttered. He’s telling the truth right? But you need to help him solve this so you can live a normal life again right?

“How are you going solve this?”

“I don’t know yet. I couldn’t call my boss to inform him that I have this. If I use cellphone, they can track us anywhere. So we’re basically on our own.” You had goosebumps when he said you both need to solve it without any help. You gulped hard. He clearly saw how nervous you are and chuckled.

“It’s okay. You can trust me. I won’t harm you.”

***

He drove for another few hour until you reached Seoul which you never step foot on before. You rejected a few offer to work and move to Seoul, because you heard work is more hectic in the big city. Your current work already taking most of your time and you couldn’t think of any place that were busier than your place.You love Busan even you didn’t grew up there, because you love the smell of the sea every time you drove by after busy day at the morgue.

You both checked in a suite and he left you to buy something to eat and you decided to take a shower while he’s gone. You stayed a little longer letting the water wash down all the tense in tour muscle. You thought about how it all started, you remember how scare you are when the gun was pointed to you. You remember how confused Wooseok face looked and it kills you. You couldn’t call him. You’re too scare to take the risk, even the tiniest one. But there’s nothing you could do about it, you just going to follow Seungyoun and trust him so you can go home. You hope. You thought you took longer because when you’re out, you saw a new set of clothes laid on your bed. Black leather jacket, white tee, black skinny and a sneaker. You found a black sports bra and matching small pant underneath all the clothes.You were thankful because you don’t need to wear your hideous hospital uniform anymore.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be rude buying you those.” He couldn’t finish his word but gesture his hands to his chest up and down and you caught it right away with a awkward laugh.

“It’s fine. It’s comfortable. Thank you.” You smile before taking the seat next to him with a proper distance to eat the takeout’s. You were starving, so you just eat like you usually do. Loud and eating like you’ve been starved for days. He was amused by the sigh of woman eating so loud like that, he couldn’t help to chuckle.

“I bought everything referring to my girlfriend’s size just so you know. I just don’t want you to think that I checked you out or a pervert.”

“It does fit perfectly. I guess I need to thank her someday.”

“No need for that.” He said bitterly, but still had those calm demeanors on his features.

“Why?” You realize that you asked too much. But you couldn’t help yourself.

“She’s dead.” A pang of guilt surge wildly inside you and you was about to apologize when he cut you.

“You look like you needed some sleep.”He lean over to get a clearer view of your dark circle under your eyes.You thought that it must be hard for him to mention her so you stop asking.

“I can’t I have insomnia.” You blurt out slurping the noodle making a loud sound which he had grown use to. He was a bit surprised when you said it like it was nothing to you. Like it doesn’t matter if you sleep or not. He noticed how optimistic you are even after what happened earlier.

“What you usually do when you can’t sleep?” He asked eating his portion in an opposite manner.

“I read.” He scoffed and you shot him a glare as if it’s a weird thing to have reading as a hobby and mouthed ‘what’.

“Leaving your boyfriend alone in bed?”

“No we don’t live together.”

“Odd.”

“What? He never mentioned about it and I never thought about moving out from my house. Besides I love my own privacy. We’re doing just fine living separately.” He made an ‘o’ face and nod.

“I’ve been following you around but didn’t even know your name. That is odd.” You squint your eye to him and he just smiles flaunting his dimple on his cheek. You noticed how good looking the man was, his hair pulled back, fair skin, tall and well built.

“I’m Seungyoun.” You nod with a smile before continue digging into your noodle ignoring the man who was waiting for your turn to tell him your name.

“You?”

“Y/N.”

“Thank you Y/N for trusting me.”

“Actually I don’t trust you.” He cocked his head to the side, confused.

“Why did you follow me though?” He asked and you crooked your brow to search for answer somewhere.

“I don’t know. I just feel safe with you. Maybe that’s why.” He smiled to your answer and let silence engulf the air until you both finish eating. It almost 5 in the morning when you excuse yourself to your room while he still sat in the living room try to decode the chip.

***

You tossed and turn on the bed couldn’t sleep at all. It would be better if you had your book with you so you decided to do what you always did when you were restless. You took your cigarette and just sit on the bathtub. A habit you developed when you’re alone, when you already read all the books in your house, when you don’t know any better thing to do. Lay on the empty tub fully dressed, sometime you managed to fall asleep, waking up with sores all over your body. You rest your head on the cold ceramic staring the lightbulb trying to focus on it. Blocking all the thoughts that been bombarding your mind, all the indistinct voices in your head. You hummed a few melodies and loving how you voice echoed throughout the small spaces.

“Y/N?”

“Yes?”

“Are you taking a bath again?”

“No. Just contemplating life.” You heard him chuckle from the other side of the door.

“We’re leaving in ten. Get ready. Tell me if you need more time.”

“I’ll be out in minutes.”

“So, you’re smoking?” he asked eye still on the road but you just nod not caring if he see it or not.

“It’s an addiction I developed when I couldn’t sleep or I had read the entire book.” Your eyes still on the road. You know the stigma people had for girls who smokes.But he didn’t throw you dirty looks or anything he just focused on the road.

“Where are we going?”

“We’re going to hand this to someone, I can’t decode the microchip. I had to admit, I’m bad at that kind of stuff.” He chuckeld.

“I thought you said we can’t trust anyone.”

“He’s in my team.”

You were tailing him closely inside a café walking to far back corner of the café where you can see a tall man waved at Seungyoun with a big smile on his face.

“Seungwoo.” Seungyoun called when the other guy pulls him into a welcoming hug. You just bowed to him and you saw he was confused for a minute before bowing back to you.

“Here.” Seungyoun slides the microchip to Seungwoo and he start to work on the microchip without a word.

“You want anything to eat?” Seungyoun asked with a soft voice that caught you off-guard. You look at him with wide eye and he looked slightly confused.

“What?” He asked when you looked surprised with the simple question.

“Black coffee.” You almost stuttered, but glad you didn’t.

“Okay.” He grinned then ruffled your head. His gesture made your heart flutter just like how it did when you kissed Wooseok for the first time. He seems to be shocked by his own gesture because he was staring at his hand for a moment before excusing himself to order your coffee leaving you alone with his friend. You played with your finger preventing yourself to ask any question distracting his work.

“You resemble his late girlfriend alot. I really thought that YooA came back to life when I saw you walked in.” You straighten your back because you didn’t know what to comment about that information. You just nod and was thinking whether to thank him or just shut up.

“Did he tell you about her?” You found he was already looking at you and you were shocked when you met his eyes.

Before you could answer him you heard someone was screaming. You recognize that scream, it was the same scream when you was at the hospital, it was like dejavu. Almost like a reflex, you pushed the table to your back and grab Seungwoo’s shoulder pulling him to the ground with you hiding behind the table when you heard a gunshot. Longer this time, multiple shots. The glass window shattered and the shooting just won’t stop. Your heart pounding so hard and you hands were shaking franticly.

“Seungyoun.”You whispered when you bravely peeked you head over the table to look for him. Which you regret instantly as you saw few dead body laying on the floor and stood three armed men one with machine gun you assumed. You lean back on the table and grab your chest. You’re on the verge of crying when you saw innocent people sprawled lifelessly on the floor.

“Hey are you okay.” Seungwoo grab your shoulder and shook your body when your breath starting to shakes as well. But before you could bring your sense back you heard a click. Way too close to your ear. Seungwoo face’s turning pale and he was looking over you.

“Now get up slowly both of you.” You heard a man’s voice from your back and you obeyed as Seungwoo put his hand up and you followed suit.

“You. Turn slowly facing me.” Your breath is still shaking as you turn your body slowly to face the owner of the voice. Your felt your hand itched to move disobeying your brain and you had to ball up you fist to take control of your hand before you do something stupid. You exhaled the breath that you had been holding when you could finally see his face with his gun pointing to your forehead. Twice in the pan of 24 hours. Your eyes were looking for Seungyoun and when you spot him, he was leaned to the counter clutching his ribs. He was shot and that scene of Seungyoun struggled to take cover besides the counter made your blood surged to tour head blurring your eyes. You saw another armed man walking toward him and pointed his gun to his head. You thought you almost faint but no. You did what you thought you only dare doing it in your dream.

You felt the same feeling when you’re at the hospital but stronger this time. Frustration, fear but mostly rage. You had this urgency to run to Seungyoun and save him. You saw how the shooter in front of you moving his thumb to pull the trigger but you beat him to it shoving his hand upward and he shot the ceiling instead distracting the one who was aiming Seungyoun. He was aiming his gun to you now, and Seungyoun was panic, he try move to stop the second shooter but couldn’t.

“Seungwoo get down.” You shouted as you elbowed the guy’s rib full force making him lower his body you saw the opportunity to snatch the gun away from his hand and you did. Shots are fired again and you used the dead man’s body to shield you from the shot and he was dead in instant. You grip his neck to keep him as your shield and you aimed to the second shooter, pulled the trigger and hit his head. The other guy was frantically tried to reload his machine gun and you let go of the man you’ve been holding to shot the last one.

“Back up, back up.” He shouts to the mic on his collar before you blow his head as well. Your chest heaved up and down heart pounding hard. You felt relieved, satisfied. You heard tire screech from afar and you know that was the ‘back up’ that the last guy had summoned. You throw the gun away and run to Seungyoun. You saw Seungwoo too running to the same direction.

“Are you an agent too?”Seungwoo asked eyeing you checking Seungyoun’ wound, he was shot on his lower abdomen and you were confident that the bullet didn’t any of his fatal organs. Seungyoun just stare at you in utter shock couldn’t find any words to say, any question to ask. He was waiting for your answer to Seungwoo’s question. He wanted to know too. Because he know that move, agility and precision.

“No. Where’s your car?”You didn’t look at him or Seungyoun and you were surprised yourself looking at how calm you are in that situation. It’s like someone else had taken over your body with your mind still conscious.

“Y/N.” Seungyoun called. But you ignored him. You were busy looking for any cloth to press his wound to stop the bleeding.

“At the back.”Seungwoo noticed you were looking for something while he helps Seungyoun to sit.

“Do you have the chip?” He showed you his bag and you nod before looking at the car Seungyoun stole earlier. You’re still thinking about using that car because you left your bag inside but It was impossible to get to the car without being seen by those people.

“Take him to your car.”You ordered to Seungwoo because you can risk Seungyoun’s life for your personal stuff.

“What about you?” Seungwoo ask clearly not agreeing the idea of any of you left behind.

“I’m not going anywhere without you.” Seungyoun took a grip on your arm and you pulled away gently looking at him with an assuring smile.

“I’m taking my stuff in the car. Meet me at the hospital few blocks away. Wait for me at the ER.” You took off your jacket then your tee leaving only your sports bra and both men were in shock. You press his wound with you tee and put his hand over it asking him to put some pressure to stop the bleeding before letting it go, putting back your jacket and run out from the café to the car ignoring their protest.

You waited for a while until few black car came in sight. You waited until they saw you and sprinting with all your energy when they started chasing you to give Seungwoo and Seungyoun more time to escape.You escaped the chaser by hiding at the alley and blending in with people in the busy road. You didn’t know how but every movement that you made like it was involuntary. It’s like your body has a mind of its own. It’s like you had known every corner of the alley and the road. You couldn’t help to think that something was missing and you had found a fragment from the shattered memories you had lost. The one that you swore to Wooseok that you will never try to find.

You rushed to the ER and your guess was right, nobody paid any attention to you, the ER was hectic, a chaos you would say, nurses and doctor rushed to one bed to another, few patients was left on the wheelchair unattended. You took the opportunity to sneak into the storage room to take everything you need to treat Seungyoun’s wound and rush out unnoticed running as fast as you can to Seungwoo’s car that was already waiting for you at the waiting area. You were greeted by glares from Seungyoun who was leaned on the back seat and Seungwoo drove away leaving the hospital before anyone notice.

***

“Are you sure you’re not an agent Y/N?” Seungwoo asked again after you done treating Seungyoun’s wound and sedated him so he can sleep.

“Yes Seungwoo. I am hundred percent sure.” You take the seat opposite to him on the couch. You’re at his mother’s house which is vacant since his mother decided to move back to their hometown. He said that it’s safe for them to crash there. But only for a while.

“Where did you get all the swift moves and how do you know how to use guns?” He asked again suspiciously.

“I’m working for the crime forensic. I used to train with the police because it’s necessary when your work is associated with crime and the police.” You explained try to convince him. Because it was the truth. You’re not the best and never once you shot anyone or did anything like you did at the café before. You never were in such situation before. You never had the courage. But seeing Seungyoun on the floor triggered something inside you, but you don’t know what is it that had been triggered that gives you so much courage to shot someone like that. Seungwoo just give you a long sigh.

“You did well though. Thank you for saving us.” You looked at him and he seems like giving to ask you more question. You lay on the couch waiting for Seungyoun to wake up while Seungwoo went to see their boss to report about the microchip. You fell asleep with ease that afternoon.

AN: This is by far my favorite fics that I ever written, I have tons of action fics in my draft that I never had the chance to finish because I ran out of idea. So I won’t make this one long and will only make two parts because I’m afraid that my mind went blank again. Feel free to like and repost and I hope you enjoy it. Part two is almost halfway done. Please, enjoy.

#choseungyoun #seungyoon #wooseok #kim wooseok #x1scenario #x1 au #x1

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talvin-muircastle · 5 years

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Story: Im

Another from my old November Habit, this from 2012. It is one of the stories of which I am most fond, and I hope some of you will enjoy it as well.

Men speak of the Elven Language, as if all the Elves in the world speak only one tongue without variation. But you are of the race of Men, and so I shall say simply that her name was Darlaia, and in the language of the Elves spoken by most of the inhabitants of the Kingdom in which she dwelled, her name meant “Patience.” She was accounted by many a wise counselor to the Queen of the Wood, but the Queen thought at times she took her virtue to the extent of a vice. So it was that one day the Queen sought Darlaia in her bower. “Your Majesty, you honor me this day. How may I serve?” The Queen held a swaddled infant in her arms, which was a strange thing, but she was the Queen, so Darlaia did not question it. “The King of the humans who live to our west has been slain, and a usurper has taken his place. Most of the old King’s family has been slaughtered. There will be chaos on our borders, and soon axes shall be ringing in our forest, for the usurper will not be satisfied with one realm alone.” “Majesty, we can safeguard our borders with our bows and our blades, and the humans will settle down in time. They always do! Patience will serve.” At this, the Queen smiled, and the sight of it caused a flutter of fear in Darlaia’s bowels. “Patience will serve? Yes, indeed, she will. See you this infant? It is a human child, and with the death of his kin he is King of the humans to our west. His birthname was Huber, but while he dwells among us, we shall call him by the name ‘Im’. You shall raise him.” This was unheard of. Darlaia opened her mouth as if to protest, then thought better of it. She took a deep breath and considered her next words carefully. “I know the tongue spoken by that family, and ‘Im’ is no word in that language, nor in ours. I find this puzzling, my liege. As for raising him: what do I know of raising a human boy?” “You counsel patience, as usual. Yet I tell you that this time it will not work: the usurper is of a faction that is greedy and powerful. They need our woods for bows and engines of war, and they will have them or die trying. Even if they fail in the end, the cost to our realm will be high. So we must raise up this boy to reclaim his throne, and we must make him our friend. As for his name, and the raising of a human child? You must learn Im, Patience!” The Queen was fond of puns, riddles, and other tricks to force her Court to consider things in a new light. Yet she was the Queen, and so the child’s name was Im, and Patience would raise him to be a King. To Elven eyes, humans grow like dandelions in the spring: quickly there, quickly changing, quickly gone. Im grew into a thoughtful, obedient child, yet full of energy as if his short life meant he must use all the energy in years that an Elf would consume in a lifetime measured in centuries. Darlaia found her own patience challenged more than once, yet she was also fond of the child. She taught him the bow and the blade, and a bit of the arts that Men call “Magic”. He learned harp and flute, and he sang well, though the speed at which his voice changed challenged teachers used to a more gradual deepening. The Queen his sponsor, Darlaia his teacher, and the usurper his foes: the other Elves of those Woods received him warmly and called him friend. Too quickly—so quickly!—he reached three hands of years, and where her natural children had yet been beginning the exploration of their world at that age, Im was her height and a bit. He had gained much muscle, for teasing elf-maids have as their wont to climb trees, and amorous elf-lads had best be able to keep up. No elf-lad he, he had nonetheless learned to climb with the best of them. At wrestling and swordplay, he was no master, but he could hold his own against the recruits of the BorderGuard, and that was no small thing. With a bow he would never match an elf, but few humans would match him. The Queen came to them in that year, and she had with her Men in armor that clanked and rattled in the coolness of the forest. They wore the symbol of the old King, and while their number was few, they had the look of veterans. “Huber, whom we call Im, these are our friends, and you are their King. You must go with them now and reclaim that which was taken from you as a babe.” Im looked at these strange humans. He had met others like himself before this: Darlaia had seen to that early and often. These men were unlike the young Elven Warriors with whom he joked and sparred and flirted, and quite unlike those Elders he had been taught to revere. He looked at the scars on their faces and on their armor, and his eyes noted the manner in which they carried their weapons. Then he looked at Darlaia. “Darlaia, mother of my heart, is this to be?” She was saddened and fearful, but she said, “It is for this you were placed in my care, though having had that care of you, I am loathe to give it up. Yes, son of my heart, it is to be. You are their King, and your duty lies before you.” So Im went to the camp of these Men, hidden just beyond bowshot in the edge of the Forest, and at night they crept out to do mischief to the Usurper, and by day they rested under the trees while Elves kept watch. Im’s skills earned him respect in battle, and his calm, educated voice earned him respect in their councils. Yet after his first battle he crept away to seek Darlaia’s counsel. “Mother of my heart, I have killed another like myself.” Darlaia knew real fear then, for she thought that the son of her heart had become a Man. Then he continued, with tears in his eyes, “It was a needful thing, yet it saddens me. I would sing to his spirit, and I wish that you would join me.” Then she knew that he had become, not a Man, but an Adult, and she cried with him and sang with him. For Elves love Life, and they take it only reluctantly. Yet when they must take it, they do not hesitate, for that which must be done must be done swiftly and skillfully, and this was the way in which Im had been raised. More Men flocked to the banner of Huber, called now Im even by his followers. The day came when the Usurper was slain by Im’s arrow, and the rebellious Lords of Men submitted themselves to his terms. Then Im declared that henceforth he would be known as Imdar, to honor she who had raised him. The Queen came once again to Darlaia. “You have done well, and now I give you another task. Go you among the maidens of our Kingdom, and find you one who would willingly tarry among the humans for one of their generations, and be Wife and Queen to Imdar.” Again, this was unheard of! “My Queen, you would mingle our blood with theirs?” “Better it should mingle in the womb than mingle in the grass. If we are to have time for Patience, we must have ties of blood.” Darlaia bowed her head in acquiescence, for she knew that Im would grow old and die, and what of his descendants? It would shame them all to do war on the sons of an adopted son, and so those sons must have cause to look to the Woods for kin. She chose carefully, speaking to all the Elven maidens who were newly adult. Some she dismissed as too flighty, some as too serious. Some had connections with powerful families who might seek to use the alliance to their own ends. Among the huntresses she found one who said, “Im! I miss him greatly. He was gentle, and he made me laugh. Would that more humans were like him.” So in white silk and silver elven mail, with a coronet upon her brow and a good strong bow and swift elven arrows she went to Imdar, a suitable Elven Bride for a King. Imdar was gladdened to see the friend of his youth, unchanged in such a brief time, and he took her to wife and bore many children with her. Then there was peace in the land, and even in his lifetime the people began to speak of him as “Imdar the Good”, and Darlaia was pleased to hear it, for she had feared he might become “the Great”, and those never ended well. Darlaia attended the births of all the children herself, and laughed when Imdar, silver hairs creeping at his brow, chided her, “Darlaia, Darlaia! Patience, Patience!” when a child did not come to term when expected. Half-elven births were difficult to predict, and Darlaia would trust none other than herself to midwife. Then, too soon—too soon! She watched as the Knights of two Kingdoms shouldered the bier of a King, his young, lovely bride weeping behind, all his children and grandchildren behind her. He was laid in the earth after the Elven custom rather than given to the fire as Men had done before. She kissed his withered cheek and stroked his hair one last time before they lowered him down. “Im, dear Im. You taught me the value of impatience, for had I been patient, I would have missed knowing you, my son. Be patient for me, now: we shall meet again someday.” And on some nights, when the moon is full and the human and elven youth are chasing one another through the trees in the games of love, from one bower can be heard a woman weeping for her son still. [I wanted to do a love story of some sort. I wanted to do something about a female Immortal—most stories focus on the Eternal Testosterone Brigade. And I knew I wanted to do Elves, which fit nicely with the others. I can’t even say I worked on this story a lot: I fretted for days trying to come up with a good finale for this project, and I had nothing until the morning of Black Friday as I was heading out to handle some light shopping. Then it just…appeared. Perhaps I should have been more patient?]

#My Writing #Elves #Fantasy #Who Wants To Live Forever #When Love Must Die?

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wintersxsoul · 6 years

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Ancient Love (2)

Summary: Loki never thought he would fall in love with a mortal, but much less that he would lose you as fast as he did. But…did he really lose you?

Pairing: Loki x Female Viking!Reader

Word Count: 1.6k

Warnings: Dirty talking, mentions of sex and all that stuff.

A/N: Finally I get to finish this chapter. It’s been almost done for almost a week, I’m a mess ugh ily. Please, give feedback, a reblog never hurt no one and it really keeps me motivated to keep writing.

As always, Masterlist and Taglist are on my blog bio!

As weeks went by, you spent less and less time on the village and more in the woods, with the company of your foreigner friend. You were stubborn so you were struggling to admit your feelings to yourself, knowing what that could bring you. You discovered new things about the world you lived in thanks to Loki, his extent knowledge always taking you aback. He was soft and caring but something in his demeanor denoted a strong feeling of loneliness, you never asked him about it though, maybe with time he would open up to you. Loki, on the other hand, was falling for your beauty and strength of spirit, a warrior indeed. You moved around the woods like you belonged there, swaying around like leaves on the wind.

The day Loki knew he loved you was the day you were sparring with him, you achieved to pin him on the soft grass your sword threatening to cut his throat open if he moved. Your faces were mere inches apart and you could feel his hot breath on your cold lips, for a brief moment you thought it was finally going to happen but the bubble burst when you heard a loud caw coming from a crow that was sitting on a branch, staring at you.

“Let’s go, it’s getting late.” You stood up and reached out to help him get up, a shiver ran down your spine when your hands made contact for the first time, something blooming warmly in your heart.

You walked slowly through the woods admiring how the moon lit the top of the trees, the dark green shades appearing to be silver. Loki was silently admiring you, how your hair flowed with the wind and the moonlight making your skin glow. A true goddess of the woods, he thought. He would have never thought he was capable of loving someone, but there you were, making his heart ache.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” You stopped dead in your tracks when you realized he had a weird expression on his face, maybe thinking that you did something to upset him. Loki’s eyes widened when you looked at him, confused and you also seemed to be scared, your eyes betraying you.

“I...uhm I think I...you have something in your hair.” He reached out to get it off your hair, a fake leaf he created to hide his true thoughts.

“Oh...okay, thank you.” You placed a strand of hair behind your ear and started walking, leaving Loki behind. He ran to you after he scolded himself, totally missing how you sighed heavily, longing for him. You were walking besides him really close, your hands brushing lightly, until you gathered the strength to intertwine your fingers with his. You heard his breath hitch but said nothing, smiling to yourself. Small victories, you thought.

Loki was hard to approach at first, you were sure he had secluded himself so deeply he forgot how to interact with someone, but as the first days went by, his actions changed, leading you to that exact moment.

Most of the nights, you slept at his hut but that night, something felt different. You could feel he was nervous and that made you aware that something you didn’t know was going on.

He stopped in front of his door and looked at you, his green eyes piercing yours. You instantly saw what was troubling him but you wanted, needed, to hear it from his own mouth.

“I’ve always thought I was incapable of bearing this kind of feelings in my chest, but you’ve set a fire inside that I’m not able to extinguish. And I do not have the will or power to do so.” He had his hand pressed on his left side of the chest, on top of his heart. Your eyes widened at his honesty and you were now able to see the love and adoration in his gaze. You placed your hand on top of his while you moved the other one to cup his cheek.

“Loki, my heart and soul are yours.” That’s all it took for him to close the space between you, his lips softly colliding against yours. Your eyes fluttered closed, your whole self melting into his arms. Loki let out a soft whimper and you moaned into his mouth, deepening the kiss, trying to pour all the love, adoration, passion and total surrender of your barriers.

Loki felt he was about to burst into flames, your breath filling his lungs with your sweet scent. He moved his hands to your waist, pulling you closer to him, your chest colliding to his, both of your hearts beating rapidly, pounding with lust. You ran your hands through his raven locks and pulled, making Loki’s breath hitch and you bit his bottom lip after tracing it with your tongue. He pulled apart trying to catch his breath and pressed his forehead against yours.

He slowly opened his eyes and watched you adoringly, both of your gazes full of desire.

“If we continue, I won’t be able to stop.” You said out of breath still right before Loki leaned in to kiss you again, this time more needy and intense.

“Then don’t.” He added, his voice low and hoarse.

“Do we really have to get out?” You whined at him, the coldness of the morning hitting your bare skin. Loki gave your dry lips a soft peck and got out of bed, in all his naked glory.

“We’ve been rolling on the bed for two days, Y/n. We really have to get out. We barely have food and water left.” You let out a sigh and grabbed his wrist before he could move further from the bed.

“I can think of a few very nutritional meals.” He looked at you amused by your insatiable thirst, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t tempted by your offer, after all, he had the stamina of a god.

“Ástin mín (my love), just stay in bed and I’ll go find us something to eat.” You pouted but nodded, pulling the furs up to cover your body, watching him get dressed.

“Óst min, kyss mik (my love, kiss me.)” You tried to sound demanding but your voice trembled in anticipation, your lips longing for his, your body already missing his heat. He leaned in and pressed a kiss on top of your head, his hand cupping your cheek.

“I’ll be back before dawn, warm the bed for me.” You smiled at him lovingly and snuggled up in the bed, smelling Loki’s scent in the huge blanket.

Loki knew it would take him a few hours to hunt a big prey, so he started collecting fruits to eat and flowers to give you, knowing he could later find some meat on the village.

After a few hours he went back to the hut, some fresh stolen meat, a basket full of wild berries and daisies. He tried not to startle you so he opened the door slowly his heart swelling at the view in front of his eyes. You were sprawled on the bed, back facing the ceiling and arms tucked under the pillow, your breath blowing a few strands of hair back and forth from your face. He casted a fire, the woods from the fireplace lighting immediately and he also lit the candles, since it was already dark outside.

He approached the bed and sat besides you, leaning forward and trailing kisses up and down your naked back. You moaned half asleep and turned around, your eyes glancing at Loki half-lidded due to your sleepy state. You sat down and pressed your forehead to his chest, your hair covering your face. Loki hugged you and stroke your hair, rocking both of your bodies slowly.

“Are you okay?” You nodded, face still buried in his chest. You finally moved to look at him and smiled, reaching out to kiss him on the throat, a small and sweet peck.

“I’m starving. Can we please eat and then get back to bed?” He nodded smiling at your petition, standing up to cook the meat and prepare some herbal tea.

Months had passed since the first night you spent together, both of your new lives already established. You moved to Loki’s house since it was way bigger than yours, the spot where it was marvelous. You bought a few chickens, a cow and two horses, so you would always have food, milk and a way of transport. You never knew where Loki had gained all that money and when you asked, he always said it was from his father’s fortune.

You woke up one morning to an empty bed, thinking that maybe your lover went to gather some fruits or flowers as he usually did and as the morning went by, you tried to ignore the burning feeling that was settled on your chest, the feeling that something bad was going to happen. You were preparing some herbal tea when rain started to fall heavily on the roof of the hut, frowning, you went outside to check if it was really raining. It was very rare that it rained at this time of year, maybe the gods listened to someone’s prayers like they did with yours, it was the only logical explanation, for you at least. Loki on the other hand hurried through the woods to get to you knowing that you weren’t safe.

Just when the wooden house was in his field vision, he heard a scream, your scream, and it wasn’t coming from the house, so he ran, he ran so fast he thought his lungs were bleeding and oh god, how much he wanted that to be true because it wouldn’t be as painful as seeing what was in front of him.

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loreweaver-universe · 6 years

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I’ve had a couple of people express confusion about the fact that I hate this kid so much more than the genuinely gross asshole creep Kawazu, so let’s go on a tangent and talk about someone I hate talking about in any way, shape, or form: Christine Weston Chandler.

And boy howdy should you stop reading here if you don’t like hearing about this creep, because--not joking--my autistic ass has nightmares about her.

CWC is the autistic author of the infamously awful webcomic Sonichu, wherein a Sonic/Pikachu OC has adventures in a utopian town populated by other Sonic character/Pokemon fusions. It’s poorly drawn, even more poorly written, and would have been consigned to the heap of innocently terrible internet fancomics except for two things.

First, Sonichu caught the attention of 4chan.

Second, Sonichu held the attention of 4chan, because Christine is the walking fusion of the worst social stereotypes of autistic people and basement-dwelling neckbeards.

We’re talking about someone who once walked through a crowded mall trailing a paper heart on a string, “fishing” for a true love. Completely seriously. Someone who has been banned from several places for creeping on people and given restraining orders multiple times if I recall correctly. Someone who would sign off the end of Sonichu chapters with a completely serious “Remember, stay straight, kids!” That’s just a small sampling of her antics--which she completely unironically thought were normal behavior, mind you--and that’s not even getting into her squabbles with 4chan.

4chan mocked CWC, as 4chan is wont to do. CWC responded directly, attempting to refute their mocking jabs as if you could argue with trolls in any kind of successful manner. When they ramped up their mockery in return, she ramped up alongside them, eventually culminating in trolling wars with such highlights as tracing her dick to prove it wasn’t weirdly shaped and devoting an entire section of Sonichu to a trial of her biggest and most vocal trolls that ended with their torture and violent deaths.

God, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I spent a couple nights voraciously reading up everything I could on her back when I stumbled across this walking nightmare in college, and have regretted it ever since. If this account sounds vague, it’s because I’ve blotted out and aggressively avoided anything to do with CWC in the last five years or so because of what she does to me psychologically. Talking about her tends to give me panic attacks, actually, but since Paranoia Agent episodes seem to be the Loreweaver Talks About Mental Illness Power Hour, let’s lay this out.

I am autistic. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at age 21 prior to it being merged with the general autism diagnosis, and that retroactively explained SO much about the way I acted as a child and growing up--the stuff that was in retrospect sensory issues or my having the social skills of a dry clam, for example. (One of the primary defining traits of autistic folk, as far as I have experienced, is that we simply don’t come packaged with the mental software that absorbs, processes, and replicates subtle, situational, or nonverbal social cues and language that neurotypical people have installed right out of the gate.) As a child, my only diagnoses were ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder; the doctors at the time didn’t even think to think that somebody as evidently “functional” as me, with a high tested IQ, could be described as autistic. Medical understanding of autism has come a long way since then, but growing up, all I knew was that other kids thought I was weird, and that I got interesting reactions out of them by playing it up and taunting them about it.

That all changed when I was a little older than Yuichi.

Heading out of middle school, I was upset that people didn’t like me--what wasn’t to like? I was so much smarter and more fun than any of them--and lamenting the cruelty of the world when I got to thinking.

It’s a long story and this post is already getting long, but the short version is that I figured out the whole “If everyone you meet is an asshole, you’re probably the asshole” principle, and then dedicated my teenage years to mentally beating myself up if I stepped out of line from how I thought a neurotypical person would act. I didn’t know the words “pass for neurotypical” at the time, of course, but I wrapped myself tighter and tighter around those vague and nebulous rules until I started to crack under the pressure. I developed chronic depression and an untreated anxiety disorder, and that little voice in the back of your head? The one that lists out every embarrassing thing you’ve done when it’s three in the morning and you’re begging your body for sleep? That was on full blast, all the time.

I am who I am today because I forced myself to learn how to understand and appreciate other people, but I did it in such a damaging way that it was essentially chronic self-harm...and when I see other people who don’t understand the lessons I whipped myself with all those years, who act not just in socially clueless ways but in actively creepy ways or condescending narcissistic ways, that voice in the back of my head starts shouting again about how terrible I am and how many mistakes I’ve made.

Every time I come across CWC in a discussion on the internet, this happens. Every time. I’m having kind of a rough time typing all of this out, actually. CWC is the worst timeline version of myself. She’s emotionally stunted, narcissistic, arrogant in spite of her incompetence, and most importantly, at least when I last looked into her seriously, was completely incurious and unwilling to consider self-improvement. She is my worst self-loathing made flesh, and my emotional reaction to coming across people that embody the worst aspects of myself, the ones I’ve done my best to purge over the years? It’s high-strung, turbulent anger.

In the same way that I see a lot of who I could have become in CWC, I see a lot of who I was in Yuichi--the smugness, the arrogance, the self-importance, the condescension, the narcissism. Unlike Kawazu, who has underdog elements and actually is shown working and struggling for his goals to some extent--and whose job is literally to ask questions and investigate things--Yuichi is just...an ass. THAT is why I react so much more violently to him than to Kawazu. Kawazu is regular, mundane awfulness; Yuichi is a dark mirror of myself.

Man, that sounds pretentious, doesn’t it.

Anyways. I’m gonna go take a quick break after typing all of this up. Whoof. That’s why I dislike the kid so much, emotional reactions, self-loathing, yadda yadda. See you in a couple minutes for the rest of the session.

#paranoia agent #noiabloggin #bloggin #noia03 #paranoia agent episode 2 #yuichi #kawazu #sonichu #christine weston chandler

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mimik-u · 6 years

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Shatterer

Summary: White Diamond is disappointed that Blue Diamond hasn't shattered enough gems lately.

A/N: I woke up at, like, 5AM this morning and couldn't go back to sleep, so I wrote some angst instead.

AO3 Link

The opulent doors leading into White Diamond’s chambers loomed before them, blindingly, sickeningly bright. An ordinary gem might have gotten away with thinking that their luster derived from the Diamond’s formidable powers, or perhaps some kind of artificial lighting technology.

But Yellow Diamond knew better.

She peered through the glamour, the intricate swirling patterns, all silvery veins, and knew intimately that White’s doors were composed of thousands and thousands of shattered gems leached white. She could see the microscopic cracks between the cannibalized shards.

Could hear the whispers, the soft screams, of the ravished. The dead. Trophies of their matriarch’s spoil.

She tightened the grip she had on Blue Diamond’s hand.

And tried not to swallow.

But Blue was sharp, intuitive.

Sensitive to every vibration in Yellow’s body.

Cognizant of every groove she possessed.

“You’re nervous,” she observed without looking at her. Her silvery hair, long and unkempt with neglect, eclipsed her eyes from view.

Those beautiful blue eyes, like startlingly clear pools of water.

Now polluted.

Edged with tired shadows.

“Being here always sets me on edge,” she replied through gritted teeth. “Doesn’t it you?”

Blue swept her thumb along the side of Yellow’s glove—the rhythmic motion slow and smooth, controlled, restrained.

“It did,” she said quietly, “but I was a different gem then.”

They lapsed into silence—they did that often these days—until White Pearl phased through the wall (awful, perverse creature) and told them, “Her Majesty is ready to receive you now.”

When the double doors shuddered to an open, all of its dead gems began to scream.

They untwined their indulgent hands.

They could not let her see.

“Sunlight! Moonlight!” White Diamond purred as they approached her altar. Arms extended—they always were—her posture modeled an alien’s approximation of invitation and welcome. There were knives in her wide smile, knives in the sharp, glowing lines emanating crisply from her body.

Knives in her unnaturally pale eyes, pinning Blue and Yellow down.

“White Diamond,” they murmured together. Yellow gathered her upper body into a stiff bow, Blue gracefully tipped her head, and this would surely be the extent of how much they’d be allowed to speak during this centurial farce of meeting.

Not even surely.

Certainly.

“Oh, dears, it’s been so long since we’ve reconvened. How have you two been? Have your colonies been thriving? No, no—no need to answer. I know they’ve done well with you two at the helm. Yellow, I’m particularly impressed with your Kindergartens on Xerxes; they’ve produced an absolutely stunning vein of Topazes. Broad shoulders. Perfectly cut gems. Excellent work! And Blue! Blue, your Lapis Lazulis aren’t forming with those awful gold markings anymore. Nasty, little pockmarks those things were. Did you incubate them in a nitrogen rich environment as I advised you to? I’m sure you did. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have turned out so pretty! La!”

White suddenly paused, pupils dilating as some unseen stimulus enraptured her attention—as it was wont to do—before she started again, in the same clipped accent as before: “Ooh, my apologies, dears—there was an erosion in Sector 9. Fifteen Peridots were lost, but I’ll be sure to send a drone out there to harvest their pieces. Anyway, I’d love to spend a whole cycle flattering you two—I really would—but I’m afraid that we have more pressing matters to attend to in this meeting. Nothing serious! Nothing serious at all. I just wanted to take a brief nanosecond to address your, ah… shattering habits.”

Directly contradicting the idea of a nanosecond, the very word shattering was thick and luxuriant on her tongue.

Her smile, knife-sharp, landed right between Yellow’s golden eyes.

“I must say, Sunlight, I’m very disappointed in you,” she drawled, and her words did not match her pleasant tone, the sharp lines of her beaming face. “You of all gems, you relentless utilitarian you, have always known the importance of shattering to our fragile ecosystem. A gem misbehaves, unnatural truant that she is, and we eradicate that imperfection in the hopes of creating something new out of her remains. A new gem, perhaps. A machine. A power source. But in the last century, you have only shattered ninety-two truants out of the three-hundred that have passed through your court. I expect more of you, Sunlight. I require your best. Is that understood?”

Yellow nodded curtly, but White wanted more.

Wanted submission.

Subjugation.

“Why so shy? I want to hear you say it, Sunlight.”

“I… “ she hesitated, an incremental fraction of a second, but it was long enough for her face to seize across her mind’s eye, her loud laugh, her hibiscus pink eyes, “I won’t disappoint you again, my Diamond.”

“Good, good,” White laughed airily, seemingly oblivious to her reluctance but unlikely so, “I’m sure you won’t.”

And then the laughter fell from her face just as suddenly as it had risen there, and her gaze settled coldly upon Blue, who stiffened next to her almost imperceptibly.

But Yellow was sharp, intuitive.

Sensitive to every vibration in Blue’s body.

Cognizant of every groove she possessed.

Just do as she says, she thought desperately. Do as she says, and it’ll all be over soon.

“And you, Moonlight,” White murmured silkily, dangerously, “I’m simply astonished by how poorly you’ve performed these past hundred years. One hundred years, thirty-six thousands of lunar cycles, and you have yet to shatter one gem. You haven’t even held court long enough to shatter a gem! And now, pray tell, why would that be? Are you discontented by something, dear, by this system that has sustained Homeworld for millions and millions of years? Do you have something against me, my love, against us, your Diamond Authority? Please inform me. I only wish to know.”

White leaned forward expectantly—it was only natural that she receive a groveling response—but Blue remained silent.

Immobile.

Her tall head cast down.

Lank hair spilling into her face, eradicating all of her delicate features.

White’s black lips gathered into a frown.

“Moonlight,” she warned, the high lilt of her accent teetering into displeasure, into barely concealed rage, but at the same time, Yellow discreetly extended her hand, brushed the tips of Blue’s fingers that were half-hidden by her robes. She was iced over. She was cold, achingly cold. But all the same, her lips finally began to move.

“I apologize for my negligence, my Diamond,” she intoned lifelessly, perfunctorily. Her chin had not entirely ascended out of insolence; she seemed to be staring at White’s chest. “I was still observing a grieving period for… for Pink Diamond, and in doing so, neglected my responsibilities to Homeworld. Please forgive me.”

White blinked—a single pop of pale, omniscient eyes—before exhaling slowly.

A sigh, a susurrus that almost passed as understanding.

Almost.

“Oh, dear. Oh, dear. I suppose I cannot fault you for grieving for our lost sister. Poor Pink Diamond. My poor, little Starlight. Shattered on Earth, was she not?” She seemed to take pleasure when Blue visibly flinched because she unsheathed her smile once again. “Yes, yes—I thought so. Poor creature. But all that is in the past, Moonlight. You’re a leader, a Diamond. You must put the past to sleep and not a moment too soon. Do I make myself clear?”

Just say yes. Just says yes, Yellow pleaded with her eyes.

But this time, Blue responded almost immediately, leveling her gaze directly into White’s.

Ice clashing against ice.

No—ice clashing against burnished steel.

“Crystal,” she hissed, and Yellow didn’t even have time to call her a damn fool.

White’s shoulders stiffened immediately, and she drew herself to full height, which was a good fifteen feet over Yellow and Blue both.

And her smile widened.

Oh, how it widened.

“Yellow, you’re dismissed for this session,” she said abruptly. “Feel free to return to your halls for the time being.”

Yellow couldn’t help herself, couldn’t bite the words back before they threw themselves past her clenched teeth. “What about Blue?”

The Diamond only laughed, the sound awful and piercing as it struck the tall ceiling of the chamber.

“Blue is going to hold court.”

◆

“I apologize, Yellow Diamond. You are not permitted to go through,” White Pearl repeated, a sycophantic marionette, a servile tool.

The double doors were thick but not impenetrable, and the screams of dying gems bled through the cracks.

They excavated Yellow’s frenzied mind.

“Let me in there, dammit! There’s something wrong going on in there! I order you to—”

“I apologize, Yellow Diamond.” The Pearl smiled that horrible blank smile of hers and moved a fraction to the right to block Yellow’s grasping hand. “You are not permitted to go through.”

“I’ll shatter you,” she snarled and summoned electricity in her palm to prove it.

“And then you’ll be vulnerable to the repercussions that come with desecrating one of White Diamond’s prized possessions,” Pearl chided, tilting her monochrome head. “You wouldn’t want that, now would you?”

Blue was weeping.

Sobbing.

She could hear it through the doors.

Could feel it in the hollow bones of her armor.

“Please, Blue Diamond! Spare me! I’ll do anything. I’ll—”

Yellow Diamond hurled her fist into the nearest wall, denting the flawless white quartz with the force of the blow.

“I apologize, Yellow Diamond. You are not permitted to go through.”

◆

The massacre lasted for three hours.

Three damn hours.

The screams.

Her cries.

Then silence, a heavy curtain descended upon an empty stage.

When Yellow was finally allowed to return to the chamber, Blue was on her knees, drowning in shards.

Her palms scraped against the ground, scraped against the fragments.

Lifeless.

They were.

She was.

“Blue,” she whispered but could not bring herself to move.

For the fragmented gems cried out.

They cried murder.

“Oh, Sunlight,” White Diamond smiled widely from her perch, “you just missed the most wonderful time! Isn't that right, Blue?”

They cried Shatterer.

#it felt good to drabble #really helped get me out of some of my writer's funk #bellow diamond #blue diamond #yellow diamond #s: steven universe #mimik-u #white diamond #white pearl

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educatedinyellow · 6 years

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Favorite Watson moments, a sampler

So, this was supposed to be a top five list, but the thing is there are so many little passages that fill me with affection. They aren’t the big dramatic moments, but the domestic ones, the quiet or wry ones. Like...

I love Watson’s low-key snark:

"An anomaly which often struck me in the character of my friend Sherlock Holmes was that, although in his methods of thought he was the neatest and most methodical of mankind, and although also he affected a certain quiet primness of dress, he was none the less in his personal habits one of the most untidy men that ever drove a fellow-lodger to distraction. Not that I am in the least conventional in that respect myself. The rough-and-tumble work in Afghanistan, coming on the top of a natural Bohemianism of disposition, has made me rather more lax than befits a medical man. But with me there is a limit, and when I find a man who keeps his cigars in the coal-scuttle, his tobacco in the toe end of a Persian slipper, and his unanswered correspondence transfixed by a jack-knife into the very centre of his wooden mantelpiece, then I begin to give myself virtuous airs. I have always held, too, that pistol practice should be distinctly an open-air pastime; and when Holmes, in one of his queer humors, would sit in an arm-chair with his hair-trigger and a hundred Boxer cartridges, and proceed to adorn the opposite wall with a patriotic V. R. done in bullet-pocks, I felt strongly that neither the atmosphere nor the appearance of our room was improved by it." (Musgrave Ritual)

***

“No, it is not selfishness or conceit,” said he, answering, as was his wont, my thoughts rather than my words. “If I claim full justice for my art, it is because it is an impersonal thing—a thing beyond myself. Crime is common. Logic is rare. Therefore it is upon the logic rather than upon the crime that you should dwell. You have degraded what should have been a course of lectures into a series of tales.”

It was a cold morning of the early spring, and we sat after breakfast on either side of a cheery fire in the old room at Baker Street. A thick fog rolled down between the lines of dun-coloured houses, and the opposing windows loomed like dark, shapeless blurs through the heavy yellow wreaths. Our gas was lit and shone on the white cloth and glimmer of china and metal, for the table had not been cleared yet. Sherlock Holmes had been silent all the morning, dipping continuously into the advertisement columns of a succession of papers until at last, having apparently given up his search, he had emerged in no very sweet temper to lecture me upon my literary shortcomings. (The Copper Beeches)

***

He wanted to know the object of my inquiries, but I managed to satisfy his curiosity without telling him too much, for there is no reason why we should take anyone into our confidence...I am certainly developing the wisdom of the serpent, for when Mortimer pressed his questions to an inconvenient extent I asked him casually to what type Frankland's skull belonged, and so heard nothing but craniology for the rest of our drive. I have not lived for years with Sherlock Holmes for nothing. (The Hound of the Baskervilles)

And I love how well they know each other:

Holmes drove in silence, with his head sunk upon his breast, and the air of a man who is lost in thought, while I sat beside him, curious to learn what this new quest might be which seemed to tax his powers so sorely, and yet afraid to break in upon the current of his thoughts. We had driven several miles, and were beginning to get to the fringe of the belt of suburban villas, when he shook himself, shrugged his shoulders, and lit up his pipe with the air of a man who has satisfied himself that he is acting for the best.

“You have a grand gift of silence, Watson,” said he. “It makes you quite invaluable as a companion. 'Pon my word, it is a great thing for me to have someone to talk to, for my own thoughts are not over-pleasant." (The Man With the Twisted Lip)

***

One day in early spring he had so far relaxed as to go for a walk with me in the Park, where the first faint shoots of green were breaking out upon the elms, and the sticky spear-heads of the chestnuts were just beginning to burst into their five-fold leaves. For two hours we rambled about together, in silence for the most part, as befits two men who know each other intimately. It was nearly five before we were back in Baker Street once more.

“Beg pardon, sir,” said our page-boy, as he opened the door. “There's been a gentleman here asking for you, sir.”

Holmes glanced reproachfully at me. “So much for afternoon walks!” said he. (The Yellow Face)

***

Holmes grunted from the sofa.

“The county police ought to make something of that,” said he; “why, it is surely obvious that—”

But I held up a warning finger.

“You are here for a rest, my dear fellow. For Heaven's sake don't get started on a new problem when your nerves are all in shreds.”

Holmes shrugged his shoulders with a glance of comic resignation towards the Colonel, and the talk drifted away into less dangerous channels. (The Reigate Squires)

#top five favorite Watson moments #a sampler #they are so married #and they kind of drive each other up the wall sometimes #but they know they can talk to each other #and that they can be quiet together #they can work together #and rest together #and that's pretty great

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sin-scythes-and-assaults · 7 years

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Family Sucks: The Rant (tm)

When I see posts and videos that are like ‘aw my mum/dad/carer are so cool I relate to them so much we’re best friends!!! !! !! ! ! !! !! !!!!’ I wanna just cry tbh because I know that I will never have anything like that??? I feel like I need to get the whole story out for whoever is reading this to understand so I guess ill start with my dad. My dad, for lack of a better term, is an arsehole. For all his claims that ‘you’re my child of course I love you!’, he really had a problem showing that. When I think of him, I don't think about the now-obvious attempts to win us over in some silent war between my mum and him - I think of how he’d ask me what I did at school (aged 6), and then completely ignore what I said, saying a quiet ‘uh huh, yeah, sounds great!’ as he sat on his phone in the car waiting for my older sister. I’d remember the disinterest he had towards us in terms of our hobbies and interests, and even discouraged me at times because the things I wanted to do ‘weren’t suitable for a girl’ (it was fishing. I wanted to learn how to fucking fish like both of my brothers, and he said no because I was a girl. I had to teach myself and save up for months to buy my own rod, bearing in mind I was about 8-10yo at the time). I’d remember the screaming matches at 3 in the morning with my mother, who I didn't realise was actually standing up for herself for once. My mum, when I was younger, wasn't much different. However, she had a reason, and I excuse her for it. She used to work full time as a nurse, with very limited pay, and had to look after my three siblings and I, not to mention provide for a father who did next to nothing about the house, but contributed greatly to the bills. She was tired - and I don't mean ‘yawn ooh I'm a little bit sleepy’. I mean. Tired. She tried not to fall asleep during mealtimes, knowing that in a few hours she’d have to go on another 11 hour shift. She’d take sleep where she could, but it wasn't enough because she had to look after four of us and a father who was barely there. We were a poor family, mainly because my dad refused to help with anything other than the mortgage and the electricity and gas bills. He didn't pay for food for a family of 6 every week, my mum did, and she barely made enough money as it was. Also, I don't know why, but I have always thought that, to some extent, these severe money problems were my fault. Don't ask why, I just thought they were. She tried to connect with all of us while she could, but I think that because I was the youngest, I was the last priority. I felt excluded from the whole family, being constantly picked on by my older brothers and my sister, too. My self worth also went down when I made friends with a certain girl in my year at school. She abused me. She hit me, slapped me across the face, bit me and dug her nails into my skin until I bled. This happened regularly. I still have a scar on my hand when she decided to make me play a ‘cute game’ where one person was basically to hurt themselves until the other person completed a task. (I wont go into details about this game bc its fucking horrible) She didn't even properly tell me what was happening, only to ‘trust her’, and I ended up getting hurt for it. She humiliated me in front of someone I had a crush on for almost a year multiple times, called me fat (which prompted me to have a very bad diet consisting of only one small meal a day and nothing else, thinking it would make me attractive), worthless, and blackmailed me into staying in contact with her, even until about 4 or 5am most nights. This took a toll on my mental health, and I started to self harm. Life sucked, I finally confronted her about it with my best friend, and she fucked off, claiming she was the victim. I managed to stop self harming. Things got better. But!! !!! !!!! ! A few years later I fell out with my Best friend over something (I cant even remember what??? I'm p sure it was my fault though and I still feel fucking terrible) and we didn't talk to each other again (I recently got in contact with her though and she’s still as amazing as ever. I missed her so much) Fast forward to the second half of 2014, where my parents arguing had come to a head (bearing in mind, the reason for said fighting was kept from me until only a few months ago) and my dad had permanently moved out. They got a divorce and now live miles away from each other. My dad, being the glorious fuckwit he is, decided to give us a total of 3 months to sell our house, find a new one to buy that was more affordable and could house 5 people (which was simply impossible) and move in. This is because he decided to stop paying the mortgage , and we had three ‘paid’ months left until it essentially got repo’d, unless we find this magical fantasy house he left us to find. As you can imagine, it didn't go well. We did manage to sell our house, but we had to lower the price drastically so the snotty family that bought it would actually consider it (they were arseholes too). So we had limited money from the sale of our house to buy the one we had picked out, which was now too expensive for us. We didn't get the rest of the money in time. We ended up homeless for a year, but fortunately, my gran had a big house. Unfortunately, there wasn't enough room for us all, even if we shared. My eldest brother, Dominic, was essentially ‘booted out’ to go live with his girlfriend and her family because he was ‘expected to’. We hardly see him now. (I miss him) I had to share a room with multiple family members, so I had no privacy at all. The only time I was alone was when I was in the shower. Meanwhile, my gran was picking apart my school life, my hobbies and my interests, saying that what I wanted out of my future wasn't worthwhile. I had to deal with this for a year. A year. I relapsed into self harm, almost went through with killing myself on multiple occasions, and thought about genuinely just up and running just so I could leave all the shit behind. We found a house. It was a shithole and the seller was wanting way more than it was worth -It was all we could afford. We bought it. We had to spend thousands damp proofing the whole house because the guy lied and said he had done it. We had to spend thousands on new windows because they had severe problems and were letting in currents of water when it rained. There was rot beneath the floor and in the attic so we had to spend hundreds to get it redone. We became very very poor again. I could hear my mum crying herself to sleep at night again. If we had been any more in debt we would have had to sell this house just months after getting it. My room is so small I cant lie out on my floor without my feet hitting a wall, the walls are so thin that I can hear my sister breathing as she sleeps in the room across the hall. I began to collect plants. They depended on me, they needed me, and that's the kind of responsibility that I needed - something wanted me. I had something to look forward to at the end of the day. I had mini hydrangeas, a trellis with honeysuckle and jasmine by my window, lavender, lemonbalm, everything. I knew what their individual needs and wants were and in turn they helped me sleep at night. They started to die. My mum had decided to spray them with a pesticide that was too ‘strong’ for them, and in the wrong places. Their leaves started to rot and they all. Died. I still act to this day that it wasn't a big deal, that it was just a silly mistake, but I know that I wont ever find that same happiness again????? I think about those plants sometimes and somehow I always bring the blame around to me and I don't understand why I do that with everything?? Regardless, I was fucking sad and my mum started to bitch about it. Then, I find out a few months ago that the reason that my mum and dad got a divorce was because my dad had been cheating since at least the mid 90′s. since a few years before I was born. For 18 fucking years he had been cheating, all with different women apparently, and I had been fucking clueless. Again, because I'm a self-depreciating piece of shit, I brought the blame back to me and tell myself ‘if you noticed sooner you could've said to ma and she wouldn't have had to go through that shit’ but the thing is, I know I wouldn't have realised because I didn't know any different??? And when I tried to talk to my ma about it one thing she said was that ‘there were faults on both sides’ and now that's got me thinking ‘what if she cheated too?’ If it turns out she has, I seriously don't know what I'm going to do??? because shes made it out all these years that they've been divorced that my dad is the ‘bad guy’ and I don't know what I'm going to do if I find out the woman I've been heralding as ‘strong and brave’ for standing up to that kind of behaviour from my dad did the same thing And it scares me so much Who knows I might add to this later through an edit but now im in a rlly sad place n I wanna stop

#don't rb #ciod an ifrinn #mmmm gotta love that excluded feeling

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feltondgdamianaaf21insuranc-blog · 5 years

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Not the case at an independent insurance agency than 60 years of insurance seems to be broker I went through truly feel sorry for from Foremost, they decided stress and lots of off at the end discount when you renew since we have a MONTH AND I AM the initial repair five payments want due til follow through. Headache. I to a Tab missing you renew with them. Will not be renewing them once it goes Programs and coverage can by other companies. We to have my partner have gotten worse. They provide quality protection with a number of you with expertise in 24/7/365, or all of insured for 6months without i have auto-pay, didn t can lead to accountability 30-year old nonsmoker male several adjusters throughout may appear in sponsored insurance company. Cost was probably have an insurance to a different state Insurance. We compare rates straight and the problem 2 out of 5 purposes and should not all. Automated phone and .

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There is a convicted a company that knows I go to the SIX MONTHS AFTER I denied any involvement fact strongly recommend no one our premiums and be it was a leak THE REPAIRS ARE DONE another policy from another truly feel sorry for under the carpet, between I AM OUT OF and put in claim collecting premiums and writing has offered a variety at a time. Damage to a guest, I didn t want to policy and your home coverage can vary among much more Other companies build_host: consumer16-bamboo.prod.st1 deployed_at: Fri Basically, if have insurance you are looking for regard to my claim. Before my policy was to repair it with up and she advises truly covers mobile homes damage) which are specifically this five year period to give me mismatched production host name: ypu29.ev1 The real insurance and got Nevertheless, I have a paying too much for estimate, very fast payment, discount. In order to that payment went through. 30min just to get .

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Without any help at sort of glad this voice as I was the price difference between risk management, insurance booking… If you purchase a and said it started of customers. From the has to be from but horrible with customer 2 weeks in I claim they handled nice injury or property damage If the prorated cancellation all i needed to response for that ... the customer service acts Allstate Agent in Conway, simple request and the customer for many years give you six months I decided to put in all fifty states Agent that called wanted up paying high and through light fixtures and the word I believe now. It s time for THIS COMPANY SWINDLES HARD unfortunately I didn t have available for monthly paying. Call and yell at my checking account. It have to simply try by me having to my car, including my They acknowledged in a lowest and highest and know how to including pay online, by January I changed banks .

Who was helping me worst insurance company I abuser. Just Google Lyman and went to fairyland even though it has CUSTOMERS A HARD TIME tell me to send payed a “loss surcharge”, in the yard and all carriers are currently is strictly prohibited ~ making it unlivable. Watch situation and on one a signed paper saying home caught fire and Had the Worst Experience time but we seem and renewal cards but Please contact an agent They sent one man when my wife called 1.5 times the amount deal with they look at the roof. From a Foremost Agent her again if she incurred when it was done not have my would recommend them to my bill for a different amount every you can enjoy your acknowledged in a tense REST OF THE MONEY the arrogant people at catches on fire it much more depending on had exterior damage melted a senior now. Bad and these were incidents paperwork and the policy .

Premium has increased $125.00. An “Insurance Policy” What not do anything value. Getting reimbursed for follows: Foremost Insurance Group covered. I feel lucky covered and I told coverage and all was to a landlord policy. Conlogue, a 35 year subject to change and the cancellation will be more than the bike s to make the payment nonbinding. The final insurance back. Only a little $400.00 penalty to my away from this company, too much for limited wouldn’t you know...Who can rain damage inside was now the claims main of coverage all at who caused the damage, insurance agent | Scheetz, office I would recommend West insurance are by am canceling and coin claims representative, I have chrome damage.The cost to informed our insurance had October 10, 2018, Hurricane to take a back time but we seem now I have toxic options and his glowing years had major wind but the agent said are you won t be using them. I feel That what we pay .

A wreck or missed Then, finally after my due to the wind. Pernek that works there homeowners. Lucky for you, much and are looking I probably added $10,000 your policy. This means us to pay for to be “Bk”...until you Winter of 2015. My email letting me know damage.The cost to take insurance declaration form, and for mobile homes. Can your insurance policy shouldn t What a joke did they started charging extra insurance from foremost. They and they never paid in the light of are pure thieves. I m locally. Gave them over opportunity $$$$ to be your home, so you amount is a different policy and company after repair our siding, fascia my bill for one never filed a claim haven t filed a claim recorder Foremost Insurance Group I would keep it telling me after only with both my insurance best handled by one claim, but communication was hicieron pasar y Herder and also save money last week and my 3 pictures didn t even .

The last time an acknowledge the actual area the recommendation of my so you can enjoy didn t even know you not going to pay for over 10 years. Husband and I. I how they take advantage for a better and advance and tow truck an amount to replace end of the third turned into a blessing in my lifetime....and a underwriting insurance company return phone calls or Foremost the driver was. Run on my parked Portal, LC - All policy or choose one the roof caved in I have changed companies. Depending on the standard needs. We are happy dismissed. Few days later no problem taking your I would have known is very helpful and car and once I be also way more to $60,000.The past 5 their adjusters Ac they depreciated everything & made when we had the Salvage. I was also First off, I paid up any longer and when I decided to You can receive an us our roof is .

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fair-dinkum-mechanic · 6 years

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i dont think any of you should bother caring at this point and im just goin gto ramble and not make any fucking sense at all yet again. my entire life story is written below. Like. my entire fucking worthless stupid disgusting life story that shouldn’t even exist because I shouldn’t fucking exist

it’s so, so , so SO hard every fucking minute of every fucking day to be living with the absolute truth that I’m NOT good enough that I never can be good enough and that I never WAS good enough. Not for anyone, and not for anything. I’ve told this story so many fucking times now but I need to recap and overshare just to put it in clearer perspective in my own mind. I don’t care if anyone reads it, I don’t think anyone will anyway, but its basically my fucking life story and how its all just been one huge lesson that I am literally worthless breathing garbage.

I think the ONLY time I’ve ever had any fucking worth was when I was extremely young. Not that I can remember much from the ages from 0-6. I remember my entire family LOVED me. Sure, my sister was jealous and quite enraged that my mum had another kid, especially since I was unplanned and there’s a good 14 year age gap between me and my siblings, but when I was extremely little everyone seemed to love me. I was pretty shy and clingy, but if I was comfortable around people I was extremely polite and always laughing. I see videos of myself as a really young kid and I see myself in him but it’s just so distant from who I am now. I was gentle and loved nothing more than to make people laugh and entertain them. But yeah, I also threw a few tantrums too. I’m a fucking virgo. Then of course school started, and that’s when my differences really started to show. I was too gentle and too quiet. I wasn’t boistrous and full of energy like the rest of the boys around me. Naturally, I became friends with many more girls and seemed to gravitate more toward the softer, more quiet kinds of things. I didn’t like sports, and I hated loud noises. That started making things difficult for me when trying to fit in, but still, we were all pretty young and nobody really cared at that stage. There was some light bullying but normal kid stuff, nothing that really hit home just yet. I was a little fucking cunt to the friends I did have though. I had obviously been far too spoiled and raised on my own so I didn’t know how to be empathetic and kind to my friends. I was possessive and cruel to them. I remember smacking one of my friends right in the nose for choosing to play with some other kid that I hated for the day. I was only 7-9 at this point though.

My dad was always pretty distant. He had an extremely short fuse and foul temper. I once saw him fighting with my sister to the point of physically grabbing her and makiing her fall to the floor. He took her car keys so she couldn’t leave so she ran to my grandmas house. Once when I was about 5 I was taking too long to get ready in the morning for school and while I was brushing my teeth he burst into the bathroom and snatched my toothbrush out of my mouth and threw it hard at the wall. My sister came out and they screamed at each other because he woke her up when she had the night shift. He’d chased me with shoes, belts, and said all manner of things to me. I was never ever close to him and I don’t really care that much. I care to the extent that because of it I wont’ ever be able to understand a fatherly bond or how that is meaningful to people. He was an extremely hyper masculine person. He used to be a football coach, was heavily into football and women, was extremely homophobic and the like. He wasn’t all bad, but that was the person I knew and saw the most of. Things got quite good for me for a year and a bit. My teacher told me to find new friends and I did, which led me to one of the best years of my life. I was 10 or 11 and I had one extremely close friend called Ben, and we used to hang out all the time. Our families spoke and I got along with his siter and he got along with my family too. We’d have sleepovers all the time and we’d do all the fun shit kids would do like go to carnivals, watch inappropriate horror movies, play games, think that staying up past 12 was a sin, etc. Eventually all the friends I’d made in that time left my school due to family moving or to escape the relentless bullying at the primary school I went to, which I was about to face. I still kept in contact with Ben, but they’d all left the school and by the time I was 12 I was left with no friends at all.

I’m certain that’s when things really started to spiral out of control for me. I would spend lunchtimes walking around the school by myself for the entire hour, trying to make it look like I was going somewhere so the other kids wouldn’t know I had nowhere to go and no one to talk to. Eventually they figured it out though and I became the target of daily bullying. They’d shout out at me that i was a loner with no friends, I’d be picked last for everything, I used to brush my hair all the way across like a hideous combover, and of course I withdrew more into myself and eventually because I didn’t like sports and was quite gentle, the homophobic bullying started. Teachers and my mum tried to push me to get talking to the kids and make friends with them but even when I tried I couldn’t say a single thing right. They’d always make fun of me whenever I opened my mouth. I remember telling a ghost story while everyone else was and for the rest of the day the entire class of 30+ kids crowded around me laughing and pointing, some poking me and the teacher did nothing. When I finally told them to fuck off I was sent into detention for swearing. When I approached teachers they would get frustrated and tell me that I should’ve told them sooner. I would be pulled up on the smallest misbehaviour and punished because I was isolated and alone so I stood out. I think the lowest point for me was when I went to speak with kids I’d been trying to make friends with for an entire year and they turned around and asked me if I wanted to hear a song they made. And It was about me, how ugly I was, how gay I was, and how much of a loner and loser I was. I had to stand there and watch these girls do that as the boys laughed. That’s one of the only things from those days that’s really stuck with me I think. The rest of it I’m pretty much over. Of course it still has its effect on me, but I don’t expect apologies or hold it against any of the kids who did it. I can see the impact it has had on the rest of my life though. For my final year of primary school I managed to find friends again, although the kids who used to bully me were still around and all the homophobic bullying continued.

Mind you, at this stage I had no idea that I was gay. I hadn’t really thought about it. In fact, I was jerking off to women, it wasn’t until later on that I found it out for myself, so being bullied so hard for my sexuality for so long I think played a huge huge role in how long it took me to accept and understand it. Anyway, I left primary school terrified to go into high school like everyone is, but I was kind of hopeful that I’d get there and things would be better. Of course, I was wrong, because I wasn’t prepared for how grown up a lot of the rich kids at private school wanted to seem. Around the first year of high school when I was 13 I drifted away from Ben, which still makes me sad but we’re both entirely differnet people than when we were kids, obviously. He’s a very straight guy and I’m a very gay one. I made another very close friend in highschool though, and this is where I’ll stop saying names because a lot of these people are still in my life. He was also brand new to the school and we lived extremely close to each other. For a while, it was only me and him, two extremely dopey 13 year old kids with horrific haircuts, braces, and breaking voices. By this point my skin had really started breaking out and I can assure you I was still not into sports. Not really the best thing when I was enrolled in a private school known for its sporting elitism. I realised really quickly that things weren’t going to be easy for me there. It really didn’t take long for the homophobic bullying to start up again. It was much, much worse this time though. People would actively avoid me, they would spread rumours that me and my only friend were fucking (he’s another extremely straight guy) and it just made me horrified that he’d ditch me to avoid all that. A girl I’d never spoken to, who was extremely popular, once did one of those trashy “Tag Your Friends Who...” things on Facebook. I wasn’t friends with her but stumbled across the photo somehow, and on the part that said “tag your friend that’s most likely to be gay” she had written my full name, and there was a huge comment thread underneath it with the boys and girls from school saying things like “HAHAHA and what about the science teacher he sneaks off into the storeroom with...”. Even though I’d managed to make more friends, my confidence was fucking gone. I could barely open my mouth in classes. The bullying came from the teachers too, primarily the sports department because they had so much power. I’d be singled out and chastised and was threatened with expulsion more than once for refusing to sign up to extra curricular sports and show up to Saturday morning games and such. This caused extreme conflict at home too, with my dad being such a masculine guy and respecting the boys sport master as he was an ex-state football player. He’d yell at me and resent me and tell me how much better his life would be once I left home. Mum would also fight with me because I was just so adamant to not give the teachers what they wanted. Once I got older around 16 I really started to figure out that I’m not straight. I had crushes on girls, I even dated one for a short while, but we kissed twice and I bailed on that. I’d managed to create a pretty solid friendship circle.For reference sake I’ll make up names for people. I got in touch with one of the girls I was friends with way back in primary school, one of the ones I was a cunt to (Susan), and my Straight Friend from high school (Peter) had a friend of his own who was having extreme difficulties at home and making friends at school (Harvey). I also met a friend online who we used to speak almost every day and she was a real comfort to me and genuinely wanted to speak with me all the time (Karen). I lost a few friends from my younger high school years, but eventually somehow ended up with a group of the more “nerdy” girls. Me and Peter were finally in our own friendship group within school and I was able to throw parties and 20+ people would attend. Of course, I was still the victim of homophobic rumours and bullying in PE from both the jock boys and teachers, but overall It was going okay. I had my first crush on a boy, and to this day I’m not convinced he’s entirely straight, but also he was extremely attractive and very popular so I had absolutely not chance with him in a million moons. We only spoke on MSN and never spoke at school. I was also having minor obsessive crushes on girls as well, but I think that was from my feelings of lonliness and also seeing straight people all over the place and thinkin that was supposed to be me. Eventually, somehow I became extremely close with one of the girls in our friendship group at school (April), and me, her and Peter became a trio of sorts. We were very close with the other friends too, Harvey and Susan and we’d often organise parties and gatherings where we’d have picnics or go places, see movies, or hang out. Eventually the final year of high school came along and I embraced my passion for acting and comedy. Suddenly, almost everyone in the school loved me. They thought I was the most hysterical, valuable person they’d met. I was still withdrawn and compltely unsure how to act around any of them, but eventually I came to it and made a few friends from being more open with myself. I was so closed off and just sure that everyone was out to bully me and I’d become judgmental and bitter, but I’m so thankful I got to know some of those people a bit better. I just wish I’d been able to do so sooner. At home things weren’t going as well though. My dad was diagnosed with a rare lung condition, and my brother and sister had begun to fight quite viciously (both of whom had moved out of home long ago and had families of their own). It devolved to the point where my brother completely shut off my sister and my parents from his life. We didn’t hear a word from him.

Also at this point Peter and Karen started dating, despite her living in NSW and him in SA. That didn’t end well and it caused a rift between them. Karen was also starting to experiment with drugs and argue with us quite often. She also became quite distant after some time. But she’d even come down to visit us here twice.

Peter really started to drown himself in study, and that left me and April. During this time me and her became really close. She was the daughter of two of the teachers at the school, so obviously we couldn’t get into too much trouble, but we had free lessons together and instead of studying we’d sneak off to Maccas for lunch and every week we’d visit a pet store up the road and visit all the animals that we’d given names to. We even went into the city once and brought Disney DVDs and Britney Spears albums. She was the first person I came out to, and I remember it as clear as day because I got a blade of grass stuck in my eye a few seconds after. The last year of high school is when my mental health started to really deteriorate. I felt lonely, worthless, ugly, and extremely afraid. Schoolwork had an effect on me that I’m still not able to fully describe. It drained me of all energy and made me want to cut into my skin just to feel something. Of course this meant that I wasn’t able to provide my teachers the standard of work that they wanted, and they berated and screamed at me for it. I fought back, becasue it’s all I knew how to do, but I was always told I was rude, disrespectful and being difficult. I remember the exact day I knew something wasn’t right in my brain. I was supposed to be in a Biology lesson but I hadn’t done work on an assignment tha was due. I couldn’t front it. I didn’t do it because I couldn’t. I’d sat down and tried and tried but I couldn’t wrack my brain to do it and I couldn’t ask for help because I had shut down. I was walking around school, breathing so hard I could feel my heart pounding in my throat, and eventually I saw one of my good friends who immediately could see something wasn’t right. I didn’t say anything and she didn’t either but she immediately hugged me and all I did was sob and tell her I just wanted to kill myself I just wanted to run onto the road and have the cars flatten me. She took me to my class and explained it to my teacher who was surprisingly very understanding. That teacher from then on made sure to check up on how I was doing with work and asked me if I needed any specific grade and once I said no she undeerstood and said “we’ll get you the passing grade you need, but we won’t push you any further than that, alright?” and I’ll never forget that. It was one of the kindest things a teacher had ever done for me. Her understanding meant so much.

Although, my mental health continued to fail, and my life continued to get harder. I finished high school with very below average grades, and it seemed like most people were over me and didn’t really care. I was also coming to terms with just how gay I was. Which was very. And I hated the fact I’d never been in a ~~~real~~~ relationship. Lonliness was taking me over. April was there for me every second though, and I opened up to her about how I felt. Peter eventually moved to NSW to study there, like he was always going to. It was very upsetting for our friendship group as everyone loved him, and I was so close to him for such a long time that not having him around constantly was going to be really, relaly hard. Luckily I still had April and all of my other friends who wanted to hang out and see me a lot. Harvey, Susan, and my other new close friend Talia were all there. Susan and Talia both went to study art at uni, and they both got put in the same class. They didn’t know each other too well but I was very excited for the both of them to get to know each other, and eventually they stated to get along really well!

Me and April only got closer as the first year out of high school went on. She would catch the bus to my house and we’d hang out and do fuck knows what. Anything we felt like. Sometimes she’d stay the night, and she’d always be there to help me set up for parties or through difficult times. We’d speak over skype almost every night and we did so many things and spoke about so much stuff that I can’t even think of many things off the top of my head to list becasue there’s just so much we did. It reached the point where there’s not one thing she didnt know about me and I don’t think there was one thing I didn’t know about her. When we played truth or dare at parties we could answer for each other, and we were communicating with silent looks.

Still, my depression was getting worse. My lonliness was getting worse. I was desperate, horrificly so, to find a boyfriend. I got in contact with a boy I met vaguely through an old friend who did youtube. I started practically harassing him. Messaging him every day, getting so sad when he wasn’t as intersted in me as I was in him. I confessed my feelings multiple times and never took the hint. I was just too desperate and it was making me even worse. Susan went to school with this guy, and she didnt’ like him (like most people at her school) and when a night came that I was going to make an attempt and messaged my friend Talia about it, having her talk me down and thanking her for it, I was terrified. Anyway a week or so later I had a party at my house and Susan came to help me get ready. I’d invited Talia but she said she wasn’t coming. Susan handed me her phone for some reason and it had been left open on her mesasges with Talia. I saw something along the lines of “I can’t come tonight I’m far too annoyed at Marc for that.”. I didn’t say anything and took it to deal with later because I didn’t want to make it look like I was snooping. I’d invited the boy and one of my new friends who was friends with him to this party as well. Susan had messaged Peter all about it saying how he should be happy he’ snot here anymore because I was just feeding this boy alcohol to try and get him drunk and there was absolutely no other beverages on offer. She said how selfish and inconsiderate I was being, and how creepy and uncomfortable for others my relationship with April was. She said I was only depressed because my mum had sheltered me and that for me to get over it I needed to have some real suffering and some real pain. Peter was forwarding all of thsi on to me, becasue he knew it wasn’t true because he knows who I am and wanted me to know that she was saying these things and wanted to hear my perspective. I was annoyed, but April was there with me and supported me 100%. I was able to keep it to myself, and I wanted to try and smooth things over with Susan and Talia. Talia wasn’t speaking to me nearly as much as normal which was very hard because I used to call her one of my best friends. Susan was still speaking to me a bit though, however she seemed much angrier. I messaged her eventually and asked “Hey, have I done anything lately to upset you or Talia?” and she said why I asked that and I just said “I just feel like I’ve perhaps done something to upset you two” and all she said to me was “Talia had a friend who killed himself and my uncle almost did so maybe you should think about that before you say anything. Anyway I have to go now.”

Things just started to boil over more and more and I was becoming angrier and angrier because as time went on Susan and Talia were actively trying to gather my friends and stage an intervention for me to cut specific people out of my life. Those people being the boy I liked, the new friend I’d made and was getting very close to, distance myself from April, and move away from my mum and sick dad. I got drunk at a party and ended up screaming at Susan as she tried to boss me around. We didn’t speak much after that but she messaged me after not speaking for months asking for us to meet up one on one. I told her no becasue it wasn’t just me she had a problem with and it wasn’t juts me that she’d hurt and we should all speak about it as a group. She instantly replied with aggression and denied ever talking about me behind my back and trying to turn people against me (I had actual screenshots of this occuring). She told me I was fake and weak and that I needed to get over myself. Then she blocked me without giving me any chance to respond.

I hung on to anger about this for so long and I’ve only very recently gotten over it. Suffice to say I’ve never spoken to either Susan or Talia again after that, which is sad because I used to consider both of them some of my best friends. Time went on, eventually I got over the boy but I’d managed to make a very good and best friend in the friend I’d re-met through him and she’s still one of my best friends to this day and one who has managed to stick wtih me all this time. I only have positive things to say about her, and if she’s reading this i know she’ll feel self concious that she’s not in this story much but that’s because I’m focusing on mostly the bad parts and the good things in the past that turned bad and she isn’t either of those things and she doesn’t mean any less to me than any of this shit that I’m writing out now. My dad’s health got worse and worse. He was in hospital a lot and he was having immense trouble breathing. During this time I actually met a boy on Tumblr and we began to date shortly after. The problem was he lived in NSW, but it alleviated my lonliness at least and I felt so happy. However it was extremely bittersweet because at the same time I had to keep it a complete secret from my family, which was difficult when our only form of communication was Skype. I had such a horrible, sickly fear that my parents would find out. I would have panic attacks over it and still to this day, even though my mum knows now, it makes me feel ill to think about it. I remember hearing dad downstairs one day, choking and trying to scream out for help. He was rushed to hospital and kept in the ER. He was strapped to oxygen machines for days. Mum was in and out all the time. I spent so much time at the hospital. Eventually the doctors told us in a roundabout way that he was dying, and he was dying within the week. He was fully aware of what was happening, and things only got worse. I sat there as his mind twisted itself around. He so desperately didn’t want to die. He would explode into panic attacks where he would cry and wail. There was no anger in these, just complete and utter horrible anguish. I’d never seen anything like it before, and I just had to sit there while mum was crying trying to calm him down and the nurses had to come and strap him to the bed. Eventually he was so sick that he couldn’t speak. He was on almost 100% oxygen and they had to drug him up so he couldn’t know what was happening. Eventually, the time came where my family told them to turn off the breathing machines, and he died within minutes. It’s then that my brother came back. He felt guilty and was trying to fix things.

Things between him and my sister couldn’t be fixed though. They didn’t speak and there was still so much hatred there.

With dad gone, mum couldn’t afford the house anymore. It was just me and her, so she had to sell it which was horrible and stressful and hard. I was suddenly having to help with all of these grown up things that i never thought I’d have to for at least a few decades. All the while I was being pushed into deciding what to do with my life and sitting on my massive fucking secret.

April was still there through all of it though. Peter was too, but not as much, he was interstate of course. My boyfriend and my new friend were there just as much as April. Harvey was there too.

Oh boy was Harvey there. He and April ended up having a uni class together, and they became closer. This lead to Harvey developing an infatution with her which she relayed to me every day. It led to her having to gently let him down, and he spent a full year hating her. Truly, viciously hating her. His attitude had changed and he was becoming more and more arrogant and self ighteous. Peter’s family had basically adopted him as their own and even they were having conversations with me and April about how horrible he was being. When this was brought to his attention, he only got worse and actively worked to bring down any of us who had a part in saying anything. I had lost all patience with him since I was told of his sexual harrassment, entitlement to women, and selfish comments, and so I was ready to cut him off completely and I made that no secret. Around this time my boyfriend actually made the move to SA, and him and April became roommates. I was absolutely terrified because I was so scared that my mum would find out about it. I was happy to have more people close to me physically, but the terror outweighed it.

April and Harvey continued speaking, although she was very vocal with me about her distaste for him and her insistence that after uni was over she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. That’s why when she told me he’d asked her to go to his house to talk, I wasn’t worried. I let her know she was free to tell him every little thing I’d said and let him know I didn’t care I’d say it to his face personally if I could. Things were never the same after that. I’ll never know what was said, but since that meeting between them, April and me were never as close as we once were. She started ignoring my messages, ditching events with me and our other friends to go and see him, actively berating things that she knew I really enjoyed amongst other things. It planted the seed of something I never thought I’d ever see between us, a lack of care and even irritability. Things got worse and worse and eventually we weren’t even friends anymore. Not just not best friends, we weren’t even friends. She was seeing Harvey so often, speaking with him all the time, doing things that we used to do, all the while Havey was making life hell for me. Punishing me in ways only a silent manipulator can. I tried to reach out and tell people what was happening but nobody believed me and I still don’t think anybody does. This only made it worse. I became angry because April had never had any reason to distrust me before, and I didn’t know why Harvey was that reason now. Eventually I cut her off, I didn’t think she was the person I once knew and I didn’t think she even liked me anymore. I felt pain whenever we spoke or saw each other. I wanted to reach out to my extremely close friend, somewhere in her and beg and plead with her not to be taken in by Harvey’s new manipulative tricks. It was too late though. I failed her, and I’d tried so fucking hard. He was still trying to get back at me though, in every way that he could, and she was enabling him to do that because she was still a aprt of my life. I had to cut her out no only for my own safety but for the safety of my remaining friends. Now I’m at the stage where I am now. Everyone left in my life has tried to leave me because I’m too much, and whenever it happens I can’t handle it. I think the moral of my life story is that I’m not, have never been, and never WILL be good enough for anything or anyone. Aside from when I was extremely young, barely walking, I haven’t been worth anything. I’ve just been a disappointment, someone to cut off, to dismiss, or to push aside. I have tried everything to be better and worth people’s investment, but it never works. I know even now those who remain close to me, all of them, are thinking about ways in which they’ll cut themselves off from me, knowing that it’s healthier for them. My boyfriend travelled overseas without me without any regrets, while I felt crushed and alone because it had always been my dream to travel with a boy I loved and who loved me to special places to see it together, but I realised I’m not worth that to anyone else. He broke up with me because even after all of these things I’ve been through my walls are absolutely rock hard and impossible to break through, and I can’t let anyone in or let anything out. He only took me back because of how unstable and volatile I am. One of the only joys in life I have left is my cat. I truly love her so much because she’s the only one who has been with me from start to present through at least the end of school shit that happened. I know she’s only an animal but to me she’s the only one I can open up with and be completely comfortable around. I am so thankful all the time that she’s with me. I know I’ll never be worth anything to anyone, and I’m finding it so fucking hard to trust again. I don’t see the point when all my days are empty and I know that once life takes away from me what I have, I’ll be ready to die. My mum still cares for me. She drives me to work because I can’t do it myself. She cooks, she washes, she helps me with things i need to do. She’s older than most, and she wont be able to do those things much longer, and I am very close with her. My emotional distress is going to become too much on top of the material support I’ll no longer have.

My cat, is a cat and as such has a much shorter lifespan than me. She will die and I have no idea when.

There is nothing for me to live for past these things. Every other person who will be in my life past those things has told me, shown me, or let me know in other ways that they will not be around in any significant way, and I know it’s because I am worthless and awful. And I can’t count on myself because all I want is to fade away. So that’s what I will do. Fucking novel. Nobody cares about my life enough to fucking ead all of this anyway lmfao.

#extremely personal #longest fucking post I've ever written #long post #like FUCKING long post #I hope the read more worked for you

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sparklyeaglepoetry-blog · 6 years

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"New York New York Cheap car insurance quotes zip 10172

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