#wee man x reader

[fishsinsareacknowledged]

hi what are your thoughts on reader wiping nikto's tears? (if the man does cry,, i need him to be loved immediately)

Yes. Please.

Wiping his tears because his own hands are too shaky and rough for him. He was used to the pain, should be. He's been through it all right, so why can't he just handle some weird fucking cut on his wrist, that he got when he fell off balance once he got off the heli, a sharp piece of loose metal slicing the side of his arm.

It really didn't hurt, or at least that's what he says. Not even going to the medics before he passed out in his room.

Tired, exhausted, and trying to fight frustrated tears because how is he so stupid? How could he miss a step? In front of all those people too? Oh how they would laugh at him if they knew. Shaky hands trying to wipe at his own tears only for more to overwhelm him.

Having to come into his room because he was uncharacteristically loud, as if he was trying to draw attention from something. Finding him all curled up in his bed, now stained with fresh blood as he wraps a hand around his arm, just under where the cut was.

Nikto who lets you bandage him up, silent and tired as he watches with pale eyes. Focusing on your work before you realized there were tears seeping into his mask. The breathable interior quickly getting drenched in tears as you struggle to unlatch his mask while he was trying to cover his eyes.

"Get out", and yet you refused. Finally tearing away at the now suffocating mask as he takes in one good deep breath, feeling himself again. Your hands gently wipe away his tears quick and efficient as he struggles to breathe through his crooked nose, feeling himself fall into that spiral of self hate even deeper. He knew he looked pathetic okay?

"I am no pretty crier please- leave me be", and yet even as he covered his own face your hands could slide between his palm and his cheek. Gently shooing away those salty tears while you try to comfort the poor man.

"we do not understand how you can stand us", he speaks hours later. Everything dried, even the stain of blood on his bed. Red and dry eyes staring back at yours as he curls up into your. Making himself smaller, hoping that you'll stay if he proves even a dog can be tamed. Even if his hands shake at the thought of you leaving. Even if he wants to shove you away into his walls and keep you in his corner.

[xephyras]

THE HICKEY?!? (Taken from VMAN on Instagram!) I'M UNWELL GUYS.

- ur local collage princess

[abellmunsonmovie]

I feel like if Eddie was alive in the late 90s and early 2000s he’d love Jackass. Also like what if Corroded Coffin got famous or whatever and they were a special guest on there?!?!

“Hey my names, Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass!” -Eddie before cutting to wee man getting shot out of a canon

[dunnswrld]

“dont make a mess sweetheart i gotta stunt in ten minutes.”

is what johnny said to you as he lifted his head from the sweet spot between your thighs, a cocky grin plastered on the fake cowboys face as your juices and his spit dripped down his chin.

“f-fuck off.”

you said breathlessly, johnny only letting out a soft chuckle before he spoke.

“aw dont be so mean.”

is all he said before he connected his lips with your sensitive cilt again. a moan leaving your lips as his mouth returned to the spot you needed him the most.

your fingers were tangled in johnnys brown hair as he ate you like his last meal, the sound of his soft groans could not only be heard but felt against your core; shivers going up your spin as your eyes crossed from the amount of overwhelming pleasure.

everytime johnny was between your thighs it was better then the last if thats even possible. you swear there was no man that enjoyed eating pussy more then your boyfriend did.

johnnys brown eyes looked up at you from between your thighs. his erection only ached more as he saw your reaction to him between your thighs, you looked completely overstimulated with pleasure and he loved it.

this only motivated johnny to push himself deeper between your thighs, his tongue lapping circles around your cilt as lewd slurping noises came from his actions. a high pitched moan leaving your lips as your grip on johnnys hair tightened.

“j-johnny i-im gonna-”

you felt johnnys grip on your hips tighten as he became almost determined to make you cum, and make you cum hard.

you could swear you saw stars as you let out a strain of moans as your hands tried to grab anything they could, a intense wave of pleasure shooting through your body as johnny didnt even care to slow down. he wanted you to be completely worn out from his tongue.

it wasnt until your chest began to rise and fall heavily did johnny stop, slowly kissing his way from between your legs to your cheek. he then gave you a sweet and passionate kiss, he slightly laughed feeling how lazily you kissed back. you were beat.

when johnny pulled away from the kiss you saw his mouth and face that was covered with your cum and his spit. your face couldnt help but turn red at seeing the aftermath of your boyfriend eating you out.

“i said dont make a mess sweetheart.”

johnny softly teased with a shit-eating smirk on his face, using the bottom of his shirt to wipe his mouth off.

(coming back from the dead to write the smallest piece of whatever this is cause i had the urge to write maybe if it does good ill write again idk😟)

[princessthatcantfuckingsleep]

Shirts I imagine the jackass girl wears || <33

[berzahoes]

headcanons: female jackass member

an: just some headcanons that i’ve been thinking about lately lol

I love johnny’s shirts but you would have an even better wardrobe

basically this:

you’re not afraid to kick all of the guys’ dick when they’re being assholes or just annoying

you love hanging out with johnny’s daughter if she’s on set (she’s not on set often but when she is you’re literally best friends)

you’ve probably broken an arm and a leg at the same time

you know practically everyone had beef with each other in the early 2000s?? NOT YOU or if you do want to have the whole hollywood experience then you do you <3

you definitely made some appearances on viva la bam

chris + you = besties THAT IS ALL I WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH CHRIS

you cannot go a full five minutes without cursing (me, it’s literally my vocabulary)

you know how when dave england gets drunk he’s like the worst?? you’re not that bad but when drunk dave is doing stupid shit drunk you is hyping him up

you’re always gaslighting the guys

you would shoot someone with the paintball gun (probably johnny or bam) and they would be on the ground in pain and jeff would just ask “what happened?”

you, casually with a paintball gun in your hand, shrug

“SHE SHOT ME”

“that never happened”

ok but i also love that the only female jackass member would have an obsession with dyeing her hair idk why

nvm i do bc imagine being on edge at work all day bc you think the guys are going to prank you

stress = hair dye i don’t make the rules

SPLIT HAIR OR IDK THE PROPER TERM BUT YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN

omg narcissa malfoy hair yeah <3

ok that’s all i got nothing else 😭😭

[olivia091108]

how to be a jackass Introduction

Word count:1.k

Tonight I’m going out with my sister and her boyfriend because apparently ‘I need to get a a life’ which I think is kinda rude but the only reason she’s saying that is because her and her boyfriend are thinking of moving out together but I don’t know anyone around town and she doesn’t think I’m responsible. She’s right

“Are you kidding me we need to leave in a half hour and your still in your pyjama’s chop chop”she claps her hands in my face.

She can get quite stressed when it comes to me I wasn’t the easiest to grow up with I was a bit of a hothead we both have a few stories from tell of our fights which she still has a scar form that she never shuts up about

“Alright calm down I have loads of time” I push myself off the sofa and just as I walk past her I barge her against the wall and quickly scurry to the bathroom and lock the door before she gets crazy.

I walk into my room with a towel wrapped round my body and one in my hair and flick the tv on just to have some noise in the background it was an alright show jackass that I would watch when I get back late and nothing else is on except teleshoping. I don’t have anything against it but they need to step it up cos I know give me 10 or 20 bucks I’ll do anything they do.

I find an old shirt from when I was like 15 or something and picked up some jeans that were laying on the floor before slipping on some shoes.

“See I’m ready in what 5 minutes you need to take some Xanax I swear”

“Your hair is literally dripping” I flip my head back and forth no doubt getting it on her. And walk down to her boyfriend Oliver who was gonna drive us.

Once we get their it’s already kicking off and walk towards the bar but some grown men are standing there ignoring me while I ask them to move so I manage to budge my way through them and get a rum and coke.

I start to sweat being surrounded by 15 people who clearly know nothing about personal space. I see my sister and Oliver talking to some dude and my sister starts pointing me out and calling me over.

Y/n come here so you know that show you love jackas-

Love? No I don’t love it I don’t even like it that much but what does that have to do with anything?

“Y/n”she says my name like my mum used to when I would break something she jerked her head to the man just standing there and at first I’m confused but then I realise who he is Oh shit

you don’t like the show sweetheart?the leader of the show asks

“I mean It’s alright but you could do better.” He laughs a bit at my words “oh yeah what then?”

“Nah I didn’t mean to be rud- no I’m serious what do you think”

“Do more nasty shit or more extreme stuff and more painful stunts all in saying is anything you lot do I could do if I knew I was getting paid or just for a laugh”

Ill buy you a drunk if you make out with that man at the bar he points to a fat man who is drenached with sweat and is missing a tooth at the bottom

“Easy.”

I walk over to him and straight up grab his face and kiss him slipping my tongue and feel him grab a handful of my ass and a few seconds later pull away and walk back over to Johnny using the bottom of my shirt to try and wipe my tongue

“Ok your’e turn Pants that biker playing pool” Johnny looks at him and he looks like he will smash his face in. He walks over there and waits till he has his back to him and as hard as he can yanks his jeans down with his boxers coming as well exposing his bare crack Johnny turns round and ores tends to be in a conversation with some random lady.

The man pulls Johnny to face him and holds him by the colour getting redder and redder. His friends start crowding him and they look like they’re gonna jump him so I walk over and tell him.

“Sir they ran into the bathroom he didn’t do it.”

He lets go of Johnny and storms towards the bathroom with his friends following hot on his heals. I burst out laughing making my eyes water.

“I was about to get my ass kicked”Johnny said joining in on your’e laugh.

The night progressed like this having a couple drinks doing some dares. I didn’t even know that Olivier and my sister left. Some of his fiends joined in.

Running along the bar naked then getting pushed off -Chris

I poured salt in my eye

Ehren getting pool balls thrown at him.

And obviously Steve o lit himself on fire spreading it onto my hair

And so on by the end we were all drunk as fuck and had been kicked out.

I wake up with a throbbing head ache and open my eyes but getting blinded by the lights once they adjust I’m in the bath but I don’t recognise it. I get out and try and find out where I am I hear voices so I walk towards it and then it clicks.

We got kicked out and went back to Steve os apartment carrying on the night everything else’s is a bit hazy right now.

I see all of them in the living room chatting and I also see Steve o wearing my shirt that is 4 sizes too small and some boxers.

Hey Steve o can I have my shirt back I groggily ask making them look towards me probably forgetting I was here.

Yeah dude. He takes it off and throws it at me and I take off the one in wearing and give it to him.I turn around and change

“Dude that bruise is gnarly” I look down at my hip bone and see it decorated with a purple bruise from when I tried to break the door down.

“Y/n you weren’t bullshitting last night we’re you? Johnny asks

“What about?”

“Well we were thinking you were right we gotta be more exciting and you seemed pretty into it would you wanna join.”

“No offence babe but Johnny she was drunk as shit she won’t do any of it sobre”

“Try me.”

Time skip

“Im y/n y/l/n and this is electric mouse trap.”

I stick out my tongue and let Chris clip it on to my tongue and immediately feel the electricity. I Jump around in pain trying to keep it in as long as I can to prove to them I can do it. I Shake my head and rip It off my tongue and It feels numb. I try to speak but all that’s coming out is jibberish and everyone including myslef laugh.

“Welcome to jackass y/n”

Guys I’m baaaack

This will be a slower burn series of bam x reader and jackass girl don’t know how often I will post but I’ve planned at least 3 chapters and I’m so excited message me any headcannons you wnat in this

Ik bam wasn’t in this but just you wait

My requests are still open

-liv

[kunntzsstuff]

he is so me‼️‼️ (i'm a teenage girl)

[glitterinmyveinss]

// say yes to heaven //

johnny knoxville x reader

authors note: Johnny goes by PJ, some things might be innacurate apologies in advance, mentions of homophobic slurs (i can say it)

❥༄ It's a warm july evening, the sunset sky looks like cotton candy, the kids are still out playing, and me and pj are on the steps of his trailer drinking some cold beers. i've known pj ever since me n my mom first moved to Tennesse at age 5. i ponder back on that moment, the memory still fresh in my mind.

❥༄ "y/n! get your boxes from the back of the uhaul girl!" my mother shouted. i sighed and made my way from the empty field to the back of the van we came in while my mother put her belongings inside our new home. a boy around my age with dark chocolate hair, warm brown eyes, and a horrendous haircut came up to me. "are you my new neighbors?" he asked enthusiastically. i nodded shyly. "cool! i'm pj by the way. my trailers right there." i glanced over to where he was pointing. i noticed a brown trailer with white stripes, white steps, and various beer cans and cigarette butts littering the patch of grass in front. i turned back to him and introduced myself back. "my names y/n. my parents divorced so we moved here." "mine are divorced too! wanna be friends?" we've been inseparable ever since.

❥༄ i set down my can with a sigh and put my hands in my hair. i've lived in the same trailer ever since, things never really got better for me and my mom. i started working at the local jcpennys working the beauty department but that's it, and Pjs been working with his dad at his auto repair shop ever since we were 13. pj turned to look at me, his brows furrowed and his eyes fixated on me. "what's troublin' you doll?" i picked my head up with a sad smile. i loved when he called me that. "whens it gonna get better peej?" i let out a dry chuckle. "i mean are we just gonna stay in this town our whole lives? living pay check to pay check?" he huffed and turned away from me. "i don't know y/n...why are you bringing this up?" "because i don't want that to be my life pj. maybe it was good for our parents but...don't you want different?" he took another sip from his can and a long drag from his cigarette and was quiet for a while. "of course i want different but it's not that simple y/n...plus the world needs workers like us and our parents anyway." i couldnt belive what he was saying. it was so out of character for him. he was never one to conform to society despite us growing up in the south where you'd get called a fag for just about anything. but people didn't care when it came to pj. he could be wearing a tutu and still look cool. that's why i didn't understand why he was giving up his future to stay in a town like this when the world had so much more to offer him, to offer us. "you know, i don't get you sometimes pj." i threw my can on the porch and sat up. "when are you gonna wake up y/n?" he shouted at me. i looked at him wint utter confusion painted on my face. he stared back at me with those piercing dark eyes. anytime i looked into them, it was like i was stuck in place, and like the rest of the world was no more, just me and pj. "w-what do you mean?" i spoke. he scoffed at me and continued, still shouting. "do you think it's that easy? that we can just leave this all behind and start a new life like that?" i huffed in frustration and crossed my arms, "that's not what i meant and you know it. i just meant that we both have dreams pj. what about your writing?" he turned away from me and shook his head, his eyes were even darker now due to his mood. i noticed there were imprints on his can due to his grip on it. "what about my writing y/n? you heard my dad." a while ago, pj shared with his dad his dreams of being a writer, and how he wanted to write for this magazine in LA, just to get his foot out the door. his dad didn't take it well at all and said he better get the wrench he asked for because writing won't pay the bills. i stayed quiet, not knowing what to say. pj got up to stomp his cigarette out. when he was done he locked eyes with me. he stared at me with such intensity, it made my knees buckle and my stomach flip. maybe it's a good thing he wore shades 99.9% of the time. i wanted nothing more than to reach out and hug him, let him know that anyone who doubted him didn't know what they were talking about. that me and him could make it on our own. but we were just friends. and he was even more stubborn drunk than he was sober. he turned to go inside then stopped. "you better get home y/n...it's getting dark." i felt the tears sting the corners of my eyes, like bees in the summer time. this wasn't the first time we fought like this, but it's the first time he didn't invite me in afterwards. usually he'd say something along the lines of sorry, or how he has some left over apple pie he needs help eating, really he would say any excuse. but this time, it was like he wanted nothing to do with me. "you're a coward philip and you know it." i shouted. "you have just as much potential as anyone else in this world to do something great, but you're scared!" he stayed with his back towards me, his fists clenched and his head low. "leave y/n."

❥༄ i stared at him until my vision became blurry with tears, which didn't take long. i've always been emotional. i ran away from him, in the direction of our old elementary. i always went there when things became too much to handle and i just needed somewhere to escape to. once i got there i sat on the old rusty swings that squeaked each time you swayed. i felt like shit. maybe i was too hard on pj. it's just that all i wanted was for me and him to have a good future. maybe the reason why i got so mad was because i imagined our futures would be us as lovers, not best friends. i wish i brought one of those beers before i left. i heard rustling coming from my left side and when i turned to look, i saw pj. i turned away and stared at the ground. it was quiet for a while while he sat on the swing beside me. "i'm sorry doll. i didn't mean to yell at you like that, you know how i get when i drink coors." i began to sob as i spoke, "no peej i'm sorry, i was too hard on you." i put my head in my hands and hid my face. pjs eyes scrunched up as he began laughing at me. "oh come on y/n, no need to bring out the water works. we're all good girl" he moved his hand and began rubbing my back. i sniffled and picked my head up, turning to him with a small smile that he returned.

❥༄ it was like that for a while. just me and pj swaying back and forth, till he spoke up. "you know i'm not a coward y/n..." i faced him and frantically began explaining myself. "i know pj i'm sorry it's j-" he cut me off. "the only reason why i'm not doing what i want is because... i wanna keep you close to me." i stayed staring at him. my eyes wider than usual, and my lips tucked between my teeth. "the magazine i wanna write for is based in LA. that means i would have to move there." i remained quiet. he turned to look at me. "come on y/n say some-" it was probably the alcohol more than me, but out of no where, i decided to kiss him. his lips were warm snd soft, i could still taste the cigarettes and coors on his breath. i felt euphoric and nauseous all at once. i pulled away awkwardly and faced him. "i'm sorry peej, i don't know-" he cupped the side of my face and pulled me in for a second kiss. after a minute we pulled away, but we were stuck staring at eachother, like one would disappear if the other dared to look away. "i'll go with you." i spoke, barely above a whisper. pj scrunched his face in confusion. "pardon?" i rolled my eyes at him. sometimes he was such an airhead. "i'll go with you to LA. just say the word and i'll go pj." he stared at me with a goofy crooked smile and picked me up from the swing. i squealed as he threw me over his shoulder. "let's start packing then. we'll get the first flight out as soon as we're done." even though i was upside down and felt dizzy, i couldn't be happier.

[stratossphere]

couple’s boxing | j.k

johnny wants to box for a stunt, and massively underestimates your strength in the process.

warnings: mentions of violence, injuries, a tiny bit of suggestive language, knoxville being a concussed dork

word count: 3.4k

tags: @asskickedbygirl @kristinee @lizey-thornberry @faceache111 (lmk if you want to be added!)

— —

"Oh, fuck! He's out cold!" Bam was inconsolable with laughter as both you and Jeff dropped down at the same time to assess a still and drooling Johnny. "Y/n, that was fucking amazing."

"I think you killed him." Ryan nudged Johnny's arm with his foot, around the same time you noticed blood wetting the side of his head. Fuck, you were good.

"No, don't stop! I still got a few more punches!" Suddenly Johnny was animated and talking, his head jolting up from the floor with one gloved hand coming with it as he looked around wildly. You quickly moved to cup the side of his head so that he wouldn't bash it right back down on the floor, using your other hand to bat Ryan's foot away.

"Knox, shut up. Someone call the doctor and get them to send the ambulance over." You were still filming, but because it was so late and Johnny could barely keep his eyes open, let alone focused, that quickly ceased in favor of efforts to get him off the floor.

"You fucking psycho. You killed your own boyfriend!" Steve-O teased as he stepped down with me to take Johnny's hand so that you could flip him off of his stomach. You rolled your eyes, still cupping said boyfriend's head as he latched a grip onto your shirt.

"It's gonna take a lot more to kill me. Come on. Punch me one more time and see." Johnny coerced, eyes rolling back dangerously along with the shit-eating grin on his face.

"PJ. No more." You got him sitting up as you pleaded with him to stop babbling and moving around so much, and as soon as Steve-O came back into his peripheral, he had a similar grip on his shirt.

"And that, ladies and gents, is how you get beat up by your girlfriend!"

"Knoxville, shut up before your ears start bleeding." Preston snickered, standing a couple feet away from you with his arms crossed. Yeah. Super helpful, everyone. It was in times like these where you wished that the room was cleared so that Johnny would stop being such an attention whore and just let you keep him from dying without fighting you on it.

It took what felt like forever, but eventually the ambulance showed up. It was such a common practice that the siren wasn't even on, which was probably a good thing considering April and Phil Margera were sleeping upstairs as you all roughhoused in their living room. Once Jeff had come back in with paramedics trailing close behind, you got Johnny loaded up, and all promised to meet at the hospital a little later once you and Johnny got through the waiting room. You had declined everyone's offer to wait with you because you knew exactly how well that was going to go, and you were hoping that Johnny would calm down a little bit if there was no one else there to give him attention besides your tough love.

To your dismay, the waiting room was chock-full when you finally arrived. For it being as late as it was, considering it was nearing two in the morning, there was no other explanation other than the waiting room was stuffed with a bunch of drunken mistakes. Awesome.

Johnny was in a wheelchair sitting next to your chair, his chin resting in his hand as he blinked slowly and toyed with the peeling leather of his armrest. You kept having to nudge him to keep him from passing out, and every time he sent an annoyed look in your direction.

"I'm fucking fine. I didn't even get hit that hard." He was preaching to the pews, because you already knew that what he was saying wasn't true considering you had been the one to knock him out. And you knew that you’d hit him hard. To be fair, he'd been shouting 'stop hitting like a girl!' in your face for five minutes beforehand, so it wasn't exactly a hit on innocence.

"Oh, yeah? What's today?" You asked skeptically. The easiest answer would’ve been the date, but you would’ve settled for at least the day of the week or even the month. He paused for a second, then did a half-hearted fist pump in the air.

"My birthday." He cheered weakly, chuckling to himself as he did so. You frowned, because he was off by about eight months. Yeah. Totally fine. "Goddamn, I am tired."

"Well, you would probably feel a little better if you stopped complaining so much." You muttered, shaking your head to yourself as he tapped his foot impatiently on the linoleum floor where his legs were too long for the wheelchair he was in. Sometimes you wished you weren't dating him so that you could just call him an idiot for hurting himself and move on with your day like everyone else.

"I wanna go home tonight." He complained right over your suggestion, running a hand over his face as he winced at the obvious pain in his head. He was just digging himself deeper and deeper into a hole with this dramatic display of whining.

"I have told you that if you ever boxed with me, I'd knock your ass down." You were half lecturing and half boasting, because despite the fact that you didn't like him getting hurt, you were pretty proud of what a good job you had done at causing exactly that. "Bear with me, okay? They'll call us soon."

Close to your predictions, they called you both in a few minutes later, calling out 'Philip Clapp' before you were wheeling a very disgruntled Mr. Clapp into the exam room. You had called Jeff a couple minutes before to give them the okay to haul ass over and shoot whatever the hell was going to happen with Johnny, and it felt like they were in the room before the doctor could even fully step in before them.

"There's our star!" Pontius teased, a wide grin on his face despite the fact that Johnny was glowering in his general direction. He generally got pretty quiet once the headaches set in, and it was always a challenge to keep him engaged when he suffered a knock to the head, but you always knew that his concussions were bad when he got annoyed. "Hey, boyfriend beater."

"Will you shut up? I only agreed to let you guys in here if you sat quietly and just let him generate his own material." You muttered out of Johnny's earshot, motioning to where he was slowly spinning his wheelchair around with his extended foot as the doctor set up on the counter.

"Preston, Dunn, and Bam refused to come along because you get all anal when Knoxville gets hurt." Steve-O said as he watched the doctor shine a light in Johnny's eyes from over your shoulder. You turned around, a look rivaling Johnny's own glare, before smacking Steve-O hard in the arm for use of the word ‘anal’ to describe you. He let out an offended cry. "That's what I mean!"

"Man beater of every kind." Wee-man snickered at you, almost nearing the fire zone when Steve-O stumbled back from your assault.

"Y/n!" Your boyfriend's voice interrupted your attempts to beat Steve-O up, and you quickly turned to see him with his arm outstretched towards you. "I'm gonna puke."

"Sir, if you're going to throw up—"

"No, just...Y/n, just come here." He cut off the doctor, waving him off while simultaneously waving you on. You turned back to Jeff momentarily, an unimpressed look plastered on your face.

"You better be filming this shit." If Johnny threw up on you at two in the morning while everyone was filming and while you were running on about two and a half hours of sleep, you were going to be pissed. He wasn't usually a puker, and it was actually rare that you ever even saw him gag, but concussions caused puking, and as much as he wanted to think so, he wasn't immune.

"Ughhh, it hurts so bad." He groaned, latching back onto your shirt as soon as you were within reach and pulling you closer towards him. He was lucky you felt bad for hurting him. "It feels like I'm spinning my head in circles."

"You're not." As you were speaking, he started to bobble his head around like he was trying to combat the imaginary spinning, essentially contradicting your point. "Well, now you are." You reached out and touched the side of his head, stilling his movements and guiding his ear to fall against your side.

"Ugh. No one wants to see this on film." Steve-O complained, clearly not a fan of watching his best friend get babied. Johnny cast a furtively morose look in his direction, eyes trying to focus on the group before he gave up and just shut them.

"Well keep filming anyway, jackass." He grumbled, stretching his arm back to flip everyone the finger. Classy, as always.

The doctor had been talking to Tremaine this entire time, clearly trying to get a feel for what had happened, and as soon as you heard the words 'girlfriend' and 'punch' in the same sentence, you watched the doctor's eyes shoot in your direction with a hint of suspicion. Great. They were probably gonna think you really were a boyfriend beater.

"Okay. It's a Grade 3 concussion, and he's going to need to be drugged up, so you're going to be here for a while." The doctor looked between you all, skepticism clear as day on his face. "Johnny, can you tell me what got you in here?"

"I was beat mercilessly by my girlfriend." Johnny said immediately. You sighed, because that was probably not going to help your case, regardless of the fact that he was clutching onto your side like his last breath depended on it. The doctor looked at you questioningly, and you ran a hand over your face.

"We do stunts for Jackass on MTV. We did a boxing match and he...lost." You explained, hoping that the camera Lance was sporting in the corner of the room would be enough to back your story.

"Mr. Clapp? Is that true?" Was he fucking kidding? Sure, ask Scrambled Brains and see if he gives a straight answer. It took a second before Johnny even noticed that he was the one being questioned, and his eyes opened back up.

"Huh?" Once the question was repeated to him, his eyes closed again. "I don't fucking know, man."

That was clearly not the right answer, because suddenly everyone but Jeff and Lance (after a bit of arguing from Jeff to let him stay so that they could keep filming) was forced out of the room so that you could be questioned. So nurses hooked Johnny up to an IV and got him situated in the bed as you tried to convince this stupid ass doctor that you hadn't gone full 1980's on him.

"We can literally bring in the footage to show you that he completely consented to the fight and was throwing punches back." You argued, leaving out the fact that all of his punches were body shots. You didn't need a full body search on top of everything else.

"I don't want to see any footage. We are just going through all of the precautions to make sure that Mr. Clapp is safe." The doctor explained it like he was talking to a small child. Johnny's safety wasn't the one he was going to be worried about in a second if he kept patronizing you.

"Then fucking assess him instead of assessing me!" You immediately regretted raising your voice, because now it was on footage that you yelled at a doctor, but whatever. It got him to walk away from you and instead go towards Johnny, so you could call it a success.

Eventually, after Johnny was assessed, medicated, and situated, along with the promise that you really hadn't beat him up without probable cause, everyone was allowed to filter back in, and suddenly Johnny was fully animated again.

"Tenth concussion! We should be throwing a party!" He had let go of your shirt by this point, and clapped his hands together as he spoke. "Y/n, honey, you get honorary mentions for helping us reach our goal."

"Not a competition, but thank you." You said dryly from where you were sitting in one of the chairs right next to his bed. You were tired, and were hoping that everyone would get tired and leave, but of course they had to have a whole debacle first. "Hey, don't forget Bam. He got you pretty good a couple times, too."

"Bam's not here. And no one cares about him." Wee-man scoffed, handing over the bag of tiny little confetti poppers that Johnny insisted on keeping on hand for his tenth concussion. "Celebration time!"

"Hell yeah! Congratulations, man. We all knew you could do it." Steve-O said as he took a handful of the poppers and passed them around the room. "One extra popper for Y/n/n because we all knew she was going to get anal."

"And not in the way she likes." Johnny said it just as he popped the tiny popper right into your ear, giggling like an idiot the entire time. So you took the pile of confetti that had landed in your hair and lap and shoved it right into his open mouth.

"More in the way that you like, and it's never happening again." You scoffed, snickering as he coughed and Steve-O let out a grossed-out groan. Two for one. "It is so late, guys. Why are you all still here?"

"Because this shit is hilarious." Pontius motioned in Johnny's general direction where the man was spitting out confetti onto his blanket. "And, of course, I wanted to make sure that my love survived."

"I'm shedding tears!" Johnny said dramatically, hand over his heart as he peeled the last strip of confetti away from his mouth. "At least someone loves me."

"At least." You rolled your eyes at him, pushing his arm away when he made a grab for you because you knew that the camera was trained directly at you. You didn't want the camera to catch him yanking your hair or pulling you in for what was undoubtedly going to be a sloppy kiss, whichever he decided on. "Hands to yourself, moron."

Soon the doctor came back in to check on Johnny, and when he saw that everyone was still piled inside of the room, he sighed.

"I know it's probably nice to have all of this support, but if you overexert yourself too much, you're not going to feel great, Mr. Clapp." It was the doctor's way of subtly excusing everyone. Except for lucky old you, who was going to have to sit with his highness for the rest of the night.

"Alright, alright. Get out, you fuckin' voyeurs." Johnny waved everyone off, his grin unwavering in light of the situation. "Mrs. Knoxville will be taking great care of me while you're gone."

"Ms. Y/l/n. And no I won't." You muttered, shaking your head mostly to yourself and sinking even further down in your chair. Johnny pouted.

“You could be Mrs. Knoxville—“

"Alright. Have fun with...that." Jeff motioned to Johnny with a hint of sympathy on his face before everyone was calling their goodbyes and filtering out after the doctor. Which left you alone with the man himself.

"How you feelin', baby?" You asked as soon as the room was empty and silent, finally reaching out and letting him take your hand. You knew that once his concussion had cleared and he was back in the right mindset he would be pissed if he found out he'd been wallowing all over you on camera, so you had staved it off until there was no one left with the two of you.

"Like I got punched in the head by an MMA fighter." He muttered, playing with one of the rings on your hand as he rested his on top of yours. Point to your ego taken.

"Poor thing." You cooed, scooting your chair a little closer so that it was pressed right up against the bed and he was in your direct reach. "You think you're going to make it through the night?"

"No." He said immediately after you had finished asking the question, his hand gripping yours tightly. "I think I'm gonna need some of that tender lovin' care, sweetheart."

"Next time, I'm gonna hit hard enough to make it permanent." You muttered, mostly to yourself as he yanked gently on your arm in an attempt to coerce you into the cramped hospital bed beside him. He winced, still pulling you regardless of your threat.

"I think I have the meanest girlfriend in the history of the planet. I'm deathly injured, which is her fault, by the way, and she's been yelling at me all night." He feigned offense, like he couldn't handle your attitude, even as you crawled into his bed next to him and his head fell to your shoulder once you had settled in.

"I've seen you hurt more times than I can remember. The shock value has worn off." You brushed him off, but what you didn't tell him was that there was a pit of anxiety burning its way through your stomach as you spoke because you were totally lying. You were just as concerned for his well-being as you had been every single other time, and you wanted to cradle him and keep him close to you just as bad as you had every other time you’d been smushed up in a hospital bed together.

"Jesus, Y/n. You're fucking strong." Johnny muttered as he rubbed his head, clearly still feeling the after effects of your KO-inducing blow to the corner of his jaw. The problem was that yes, he had been knocked out, but the real kicker was that he'd gone down onto the wood floor directly on the back of his head, which was where most of the trouble had come from.

"Thank you, honey." You teased, replacing his hand with yours and gingerly running your fingers through his hair. His sunglasses had been abandoned at some point, so you could clearly see the disgruntled look in his eyes. "You know, you're my first ever knock-out."

"Thanks. I'm well aware." He said absentmindedly, and if his lips hadn't curled into that signature grin, you would've missed the fact that he'd just insinuated that you were calling him hot. "April’s gonna be pissed I got blood on her floor.”

“She won’t care, baby. She said as long as we were having fun we could do whatever we wanted.” You reassured him. You’d apologized profusely for your friends when Chris had put his head through the guest room wall, but April had just smiled and laughed it off. You guessed that having Bam as a son could really lower someone’s standards.

“I'm sure you're having fun now." Johnny hummed in amusement, one hand holding yours from where his arm was wrapped around your waist and the other on your leg. You chuckled.

"Well, think of this as quality time on vacation. No friends, no work, no noise. Just a tiny concussion." You said optimistically, reasoning that you would be awake right now anyway if you had still been at Bam’s house. "All the sleep you could ask for with no one blaring music into your room at 5 am."

"Ooh, you're gonna make me get all hot and bothered." Johnny sighed contently, shifting a little so he was as close to you as he could possibly manage. You decided to just accept your position and the lack of air you were receiving in the process in favor of holding his head gingerly against you and playing with soft strands of his hair that weren’t held by gel.

Even though Johnny was out within five minutes of your last spoken words, you stayed up, making sure to check on him periodically and adjusting every time he adjusted so that his head was comfortably supported the entire night.

He may have been a jackass, but he was your jackass, and you would never give up the opportunity to have a sleeping Knoxville half-on-top of you, injured or not.

Although the ridiculously loud snoring certainly didn’t help his case.

[cvmsterfire]

should’ve been me 😔😒

[kaylinelizabeth4004]

Hii I loved your Alec fan fic sm any more Alec x f reader smut coming ?😭

Come As You Are

A/N: of course more Alec is coming, I just need time love. This one is for my midsize girlies ❤️

Summary: The Reader is feeling insecure about herself and Alec wants to help

Tags: 18+ minors dni, insecurity and mentions of body dysmorphia and self hatred, praise kink, body worship, consensual possessive language, and some fluff :)

The woman in front of her was thin and tall, with a beautiful head of curls and dark skin. Her eyes were shrewd as they took in DS Y/N Warner, standing in her frumpy suit with a notepad at the ready. Yet she certainly didn't look poorly on DI Alec Hardy, not that he would have noticed her little flirts. She angled her hips one way, answered his questions primarily, and smiled widely at his words, always looking right at him. If Y/N wasn't careful and reminding herself that she was on the clock, she had half a mind to kiss Alec right there and claim him. But she didn't.

DI Alec Hardy went to the car, and Y/N lingered for just a moment to clarify one of the points that got fuzzy.

"Right, and you work for Joan Topper Model Agency? Not to be confused with Topper Jane's Agency?" Y/N asked, checking the reference she had from the lady who'd referred them to this woman.

The woman nodded, her lips close to a sneer, "it's a very elite agency, Joan Topper."

"I'm sure."

The woman cocked her head to the side, "are you?"

DS Warner swallowed hard. She did not like not liking other women, it made her feel like a bad feminist. She should overthrow the ideas of women hurting other women and focus on the more particular idea that men made it up to make women dislike one another. And while that was very likely, it wasn't impossible for two things to exist at once. Men try to make women hate each other, and some women are just bitches. Not because they're women but because they're people.

And this woman, who couldn't possibly be over 21, with her gorgeous figure and curly hair, just happened to be one of those special humans. And it irked Y/N.

"You can't be over a size 4," the woman pressed. It was unclear if she meant you couldn't be over a size 4 in the agency, or in life. Her eyes lingered at Hardy's retreating form. "Men don't like it much."

DS Warner smiled tightly and nodded, walking back to the car and quickly getting in so she wouldn't have to see that woman again. Alec didn't notice the change in Y/N's mood, he wasn't always the best at that.

Instead of going to the station, they went back to Y/N's house. Alec hadn't actually moved in, but that was more of a title really. He stayed there nearly every night, had a section of the closet, and referred to it as home. They both knew that once they wrapped up this case, they would set aside a weekend and officially move in, but when cases got busy neither felt they could take even a day off. Work got in the way like that.

"Right, I'm going to pop in the shower then I'll be down to help," Y/N said, toeing off her shoes at the door.

"M'kay," Hardy answered with a wave of his hand, files in his arms.

She went up to the loo, started the shower and made quick work of her uniform. Her image in the mirror made her stop.

Normally, people described the moment before a shower as some of the most attractive. Moments when all of a sudden insecurities melt away and you could spend ages doing dance battles with yourself. This was not one of those days for Y/N. Maybe it was the insecurities she already had buried beneath the surface, maybe it was the late hour, maybe it was the woman who had subtly insulted her appearance, but whatever the cause she found she hated what she saw.

Y/N always felt a little trapped when she expressed her insecurities to friends. She couldn't say she was thin, because she wasn't. But she couldn't say she was fat, because she wasn't. She was an awkward middle ground that certainly didn't feel sexy. Her thighs touched when she stood, covered in little stretch marks and led to a small bush she tried to trim but it always looked wrong. Along her boobs there were stretch marks like purple tiger stripes, and she had small red bumps she couldn't explain. Of course in between the two lied the worst of the worst, a belly just bloated enough to look pregnant when she very much wasn't. Nope, Y/N was not a fan of this body.

Her cheeks flushed with emotion and the heat of the shower, and she tried to ignore it as she got in and scrubbed off the day. Her hair was clean so she left it up and tried to calm herself when she noticed her efforts were too harsh. God damn it, this was not what she had intended.

Not long after she joined Hardy at the kitchen table, sipping her hot chocolate he'd made, and pouring over the case files. Her mind began to wander but she was intent on stopping it.

"You alright?" Alec's thick Scottish accent broke her from the bank's reports, and it was among the first words he'd spoken all evening.

"Y-yeah," she said, not quite knowing what he was referring to. "Why?"

"You don't seem right."

Y/N didn't know how to respond, so she shrugged her shoulders, "I'm ... fine?"

He narrowed his eyes. Alec Hardy felt like he was in a bit of a limbo at the moment. His instinct was telling him that something was bothering Y/N, she seemed sad and distant. However, Alec was not known for having the best instinct with people and their feelings. He couldn't tell if he should leave it or press on. But it was DI Alec Hardy and he wasn't a fan of lying. "After that last interview you've gone funky."

If Y/N wasn't so uncomfortable trying to think of how to not expose this lame part of herself to Alec, she'd have focused on him using the word funky. "I didn't like her much."

"Did she say something?"

"More or less."

"Warner stop evading the question and tell me what's wrong." His voice was intense as he spoke, chocolate eyes imploring.

"I don’t like my body, I'm ugly," she said quickly, as though it would take away everything else.

Alec blinked, "wot?"

"I'm ugly and fat, Alec."

DI Alec Hardy did not know a lot of things. He was shit at expressing emotions and understanding others, he did not understand social media, thought scotch eggs were gross, had a temper, and was shit at accepting help. But he knew one thing. His Y/N was not ugly.

"No you're not." She laughed bitterly and looked away. He said it louder, his tone more stern. "Y/N you are not ugly and you're not fat."

Y/N's throat was tight as she said, "thanks Alec." She didn't mean it, they both knew she didn't mean it.

"Y/N-"

"It's fine, can just get on with it?" She snapped, her voice a hair away from a yell. Alec saw her retreat further into herself. "Sorry."

He sighed, closing his eyes to try and make his thinking clearer. Alec was proper rubbish at dealing with any of this. But then he had any idea, an idea she probably didn't expect. The detective stood up and walked towards the stairs.

His ever inquisitive Y/N craned her neck to watch as he went up the steps. He was impressed she managed to last a full minute without following after him, in which time he removed his jacket and shoes, before she appeared in the bedroom door frame with a questioning look on her face.

"C'mhere."

She did, though her steps were slow as she watched him with a shrewd eye. He took her hands in his, running his thumb over her knuckles. Alec's hands were always calloused and he never knew why, as he didn't do much physical labor. She liked how they felt.

Alec brought her hands to his mouth and pressed a kiss on each of them, "I love your hands."

He could see the little flush on her cheeks start up, but she didn't say anything else. Alec went to the edge of the bed, bringing her to sit between his legs, his chest up against her back. His hands ran up her arms, "I love that when I do that you get goose flesh."

"Alec what're you doing?"

"You've got lovely arms, lovely shoulders." He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the skin of both. Then Alec pointed a finger in front of them, towards the mirror on the back of the bathroom door. They painted a lovely picture, a woman held by her man as he lavished soft touches on her. He planned to make the picture prettier. Though he wasn't always confident in sex, he was confident that he loved Y/N and that her self image was wrong. And that confidence overrode all other feelings of inadequacy.

"Alec..." she didn't know what to say. She had a feeling she knew what he was up to and she didn't know if she could handle it. He was being awfully sweet. And the scratch of his beard made her sigh. His fingers came to the straps of her flimsy, pajama tank top, pulling them until they snapped back on her skin.

In the mirror, Alec glanced up and made eye contact with her. His face was kind, tired but not of her. His hair was dark and mused, his eyes so chocolate it hurt to look at. And his freckles, the most wonderful part of the man was the freckles that ran along his face as though he never left the sun as a child. She nodded slightly, knowing that he was asking for permission.

The straps fell down, and Alec pushed the top down until her breasts fell from them, heavy and heaving against her chest. Almost instantly she felt a growing hardness against her bum, and she flushed incredulously. His hands came round and held her breasts, letting them overflow in his touch.

Throughout their entire relationship, Alec was not one who would just speak. He was the silent brooding type. The kind of guy who grunted when he asked if he fancied a pint - the answer was always no, he didn't drink. But Alec knew Y/N loved his voice, she called it sexy and he'd caught her getting off to a voicemail of his once. Whenever he got loud in the office, had to yell at someone, he noticed the way her thighs would clench and her cheeks flush. So while he was most certainly clunky at it, he tried his best to speak through his thoughts for her, hoping it could help her get to him.

"They’re one of my favorite bits of you," he murmured, his voice suddenly throaty as though he was struggling to speak with the sight of your breasts out and about.

He pressed them together, showing the deep line of her cleavage. "Don't get that on just anyone, now do ya?"

Y/N wanted to believe him, to look in the mirror and see a creature that was as attractive and he believed, but she just couldn't. Her words were soft but they were there as she said, "I have stretch marks and bumps."

Alec's brow furrowed and he held her chest tighter before letting them fall back. He was fully hard now and didn't shy away from letting her feel the affect she had on him.

"No one can expect your skin to remain the same your whole life. Doesn’t make it ugly." He said, kiss the junction between her neck and shoulder. She leaned her head back into him, letting herself feeling those beautifully calloused hands as they teased at her nipples, those soft lips kissing her skin.

He slowly dragged the tank top down until it met the waistband of her shorts. She did not look down to see the image in the mirror, this was not the body part she wanted to see. His hands were featherlight as they travelled down her abdomen, running his fingers along the rolls of her skin. The thought alone made her want to cry. Alec let out a breath, "you're so fucking soft."

That was not quite what she wanted to hear, soft wasn’t a word she felt was a good thing. Though that hadn't been his intention, Alec thought soft was one of the best things a body could be. He tried again, bringing his hands to her hips, "I love your belly. It's cute."

"It's not sexy."

"Fuck yeah it is," he argued. Alec pulled away from her and went to kneel in front of the bed. He spread her legs and went on his knees, putting his face right at her chest, which he noticed right away. Hardy brought his hand to her face and made her look at him, and he blew out a breath. She was a vision, leaned back, heavy breasts on full display and legs spread like a goddess.

He pressed a kiss in between her breasts, letting his tongue nip out to taste her skin. She giggled and said, "Alec!"

He brought his mouth down to her stomach, kissing each roll and holding her tightly. His beard itched and cause a pink rash to form, but she didn't have the urge to fight it. All along her abdomen, DI Alec Hardy peppered hot, wet kisses with nips of teeth. Then he growled softly, turning to see the mirror and force her to see what he saw. A stomach with small little love bites. "I decide what I find sexy. And that's sexy."

She hadn't even realized that she had started crying until it dripped down her face. It wasn't a sad tear, not really. It was more an overwhelming realization that Alec wasn't messing about, he wasn't saying this because he loved her. As his hands ran up her legs, prickly from unshaven hairs, he kissed and growled against her skin with the kindest love she'd felt. And she gladly let him remove her panties and shorts until she was bare, spread for him.

"I love your breasts and I love your belly, but these are some of my favorites," Alec said and he moved her thighs to sit on his shoulders. He bit at her thighs, lowering his kiss with each moment. Then he was there at the apex of her legs, with her slightly hairy, fully glistening cunt. His hot breath hit her as he murmured, "hey darling."

She shuddered, her body involuntarily moving to the sound of his voice. She had to stop the yelp that tried to escape when he extended his tongue and licked her bottom to top.

“I love that you’re so responsive down here,” Alec said between peppered kisses, letting his teeth ever so softly graze across her clit before sliding his tongue into her opening. Her muscles clenched, thighs beginning to shake as he lavished her. “I love the taste of you.”

He moved up, letting his beard scratch along her inner thighs in the way he knew she liked. Alec brought a careful finger to her opening, sliding it in with ease. She started to grind against it, hips bucking to meet his tongue as he began proper work on her clit. His fingers were long as they pumped in and out, curling i side her in the way that made her gasp. He laughed against her, he fucking laughed. A deep chuckle that radiated through her body, sending her arousal through the roof until her thighs were clamped round his head.

“Such a good girl for me,” he whispered against her. But she heard it, and practically shoved him into her. Then Alec said, “you look so beautiful, you’re doing so good love. I’m so proud of my girl.”

Y/N cried out as she came, her body convulsing with each wave. It was positively impossible to describe, a kind of hazy pleasure that takes you from this world until you’re left panting on a bed, wondering how your antisocial detective boyfriend learned to do all of that. Her legs spasmed, squeezing against him in the way he adored.

Alec eased her through it, his kisses soft and messy. Her juices covered his face, were in his beard, but he seemed to proudly display her. Her thighs were going to be red from beard rash and covered in little love bites, some more possessive than others and she relished them all.

“Such a beautiful darling,” Alec said, rising slowly as he moved up her body. “I love your body, it’s bloody sexy is what it is. But my favorite part, yes even more than your breasts, is your face.”

Then he leaned in and kissed her, he kissed her with everything he had. It was rhat desperate, dizzying sort of kiss where words went unspoken but understood. She sighed, crying but now it wasn’t a hatred. Just like she realized earlier, and now it seemed to sink, Alec loved her regardless. He didn’t just put up with insecurities, he fought to fight them with her and show her what he saw. She might not see it yet, but to know that someone like him had eyes like that was comforting.

He tasted of her, of her musk and sweat and sex, and she found it embarrassingly arousing to know it was her wetness that did this to him.

Alec came up to the bed quickly, getting in the same position from earlier. Him behind her with her body in between his legs. Alex brought her to lean on him so her neck was ready for biting, “I fucking love your neck.”

“Bloody vampire!” She laughed.

Alec chuckled, bring his hands down her sides to grip her thighs. “That so?” With a strong yet gentle touch, he spread her thighs wide enough to rest on his, locking her in place.

“Alec I need you…”

“Oh what a pretty picture you make,” Alec whispered along her skin as he removed his cock from his trousers, going under her arse to tease at her opening. “Oh look at you, you’re gorgeous. My beautiful angel grinding against my cock, spread for the world to see. Perhaps another day. Shall I show you just how lovely you are, darling?”

Fuck. For someone who’d not done much dirty talk, he was damn good at it. She whined for him to take her, and he happily obliged, sinking into her with a slow thrust.

He let out a hiss at the feeling of her taut muscles clenching around him, holding him in place as though she couldn’t hear to lose him. She gasped the fullness, relishing in it and grinding just enough to cause Alec to make a guttural sound.

“You keep goin like that Angel and I won’t last much longer.”

“I don’t want you to,” she said, moving her hips again.

That movement broke Alec. He kept one hand tight on her hip, the other snaking down her body to start desperate ministrations on her clit. He thrust into her with a fury, bucking his hips to get as deep as he can. Y/N groaned, shocked at how quickly he was bringing her to climax.

“Come in me,” she said between breathy sighs. “Make me yours.”

Something in that sent the man wild. He stood, quickly helping prop Y/N up doggy style on the bed, and began to truly fuck her the way they both intended. They were so close to climax, his strokes uneven and wild, her clit buzzing with life.

“Say it again, angel. Tell me to make you mine.”

“I’m yours,” she groaned. “Come in me, I need you. I’m yours, make me yours.”

And he did, falling slightly into her and having to support himself on the mattress. He groaned loudly, those freckles flushing. But he knew she hadn’t come again, and he kept himself inside her as he leaned down, “now, any man you ever fuck you’ll know I’m here. You’re mine, angel. My darling.”

With a flick of his wrist, she came undone.

[knoxvillesjackass]

hello! I had an idea of No Nut November with Johnny x female reader. The jackass guys all dare each other to do it and the winner couple is who lasts the longest. When his girlfriend finds out, she keeps teasing him and it all ends in smut!! Love your stories!! ❤️

𝐧𝐨 𝐧𝐮𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 - 𝐣.𝐤

im so happy to finally see a smut request!! pls, send some more, because i want to get better at writing it! also, do you guys enjoy reading it or do you like fluff and/or angst better?

warnings! edging, oral sex dom!johnny x sub!reader? ( reader receiving and giving), dirty talk, very dirty hihi

words; 3.375

It was bizarre. Annoying, really. You’d given him every opportunity in the world to rail you, blow your back out and make you incapable of walking for the day…All of your attempts were shut down, which was new for you.

Usually, all you had to do was send the smallest signal to Johnny, and he would be ready at any time, but the past two weeks had been different.

He’d been avoiding you, it seemed. He only kissed you when he left for work, and he’d even slept on the couch for some nights.

You’d been left confused and a little hurt by it all. Had you done something wrong, or was he perhaps just not attracted to you anymore?

The thoughts killed you, but it killed him even more. If it hadn’t been for that stupid bet….

“A month without sex? You’ve gotta be shitting me,” Johnny shook his head as the room erupted in laughter, but he was totally serious.

He couldn’t believe that he was the only one objecting to this nonsense. The concept was idiotic and frankly childish.

Steve-O had been the one to bring it up during lunch break. Everyone had shrugged it off, but as the tension grew thicker throughout the day, everyone suddenly began to take it very seriously, Johnny included.

So, as stupid as he thought it was, Johnny was knee-deep in the ‘No Nut November’ phenomenon, even though he hated the idea.

You and Johnny had sex a lot. No shame in that. Just two adults, who loved each other very much. What Johnny did feel off about, was that all of his friends knew just how much sex you had. How? Well, at every given chance to escape the craziness of the crew, the two of you did. And you didn’t do it to have conversations and drink tea. No, you did it to fuck.

Johnny had been labelled as the guy to fail the quickest, and it didn’t sit right with him one bit.

Luckily for him, his self-control was a different ball game. He had more control than all of the jackass guys combined. If there was a will, there was a way, and Johnny never let himself down once he had a goal.

“Oh, y-you’re participating?” Steve-O asked Johnny, who shrugged and nodded. “Yeah,” he huffed, and the room once again erupted in laughter, this time, it sounded more ridiculing than anything.

“What?” He asked confused and scoffed as he stared back at his wide-eyed friends. “Dude, you’re not going to last for two days,” Pontius grinned, Johnny returning a simple growl. “Let’s just fucking see, shall we?”

-

“Hi, baby!”

You grinned excitedly as Johnny entered your shared apartment. You wrapped your arms around him tightly, furrowing your eyebrows at once when you didn’t feel him embracing you.

“Are you okay?” You asked and unwrapped your arms around his waist, looking up at him innocently. “Y-Yeah, I’m fine, Y/N, I’m just tired. Think I’m gonna go take a shower,” he commented, his eyes focused straight ahead and not down at you.

“Oh, okay. Well, I could join,” you smirked and winked at him, but he merely shook his head and smiled politely before disappearing to the bathroom.

Well, that sucked, you thought.

He was probably just tired. He’d been working long hours, and maybe all the man needed was some space.

You’d attempted to be the understanding girlfriend, even when you felt ignored by Johnny.

The first few days went by okay, although the hours seemed to get longer as the days went by. The week overall was manageable but when the second week struck, Johnny was beginning to struggle.

The day of your anniversary, you'd made everything really special for Johnny. Dressed up nice, cooked some good food, and made the bathtub the perfect place to end the night, together.

When he'd come home, he'd acted just as you'd feared.

Distant and seemingly blind to the effort you'd put into making your fourth anniversary a special one.

The dinner was awkward and you hated the tension. You broke the silence every minute, asking him questions to which he answered with simple and short sentences.

"I have a surprise for you," you smirked. Maybe what he needed was some extra spice, and that was what you were going to give him.

"A surprise?" He asked as he was washing the dishes. He jumped when he felt your arms snake around his waist. Johnny moved away and coughed. His boxers were starting to feel tight, uncomfortably tight.

You grabbed his hand and dragged him to the bathroom. You'd scattered rose petals on the floor and lit some candles. It was the most romantic bathroom you'd ever seen, but Johnny didn't seem to agree.

"O-Oh, Y/N," Johnny coughed nervously and slowly backed out of the bathroom.

"Did I do something wrong? Are you trying to punish me or something? Please, tell me what's going on!"

"No, Y/N-"

"Then why won't you FUCK ME?" You shouted and sniffled. Johnny's heart tore a bit. He wanted to tell you, he really did, but with the mood and how you were feeling, it didn't seem as if it would've been a massive help in his eyes.

The next days were rough. You were upset, understandably. Johnny continued his odd behaviour and you were just about done with it all.

“Just tell me now; when did you give in and how was it?”

Bam stood like a little child next to Johnny and giggled, but Johnny rolled his eyes underneath his sunglasses and sighed.

“I haven’t given in yet, and I’m not going to, so you might as well quit bothering me.”

Bam scoffed at the answer he got from Johnny, but he hadn’t expected much else, considering Johnny’s recent behaviour.

He was in a pissy mood. He was at conflict with himself at all times. The whole dare had transformed into something beyond his control. He was so competitive, sometimes it scared people.

Johnny sat down in the conference room, where the crew held their weekly meetings. He cursed to himself and looked around. Pontius, Steve-O and Jeff sat and looked at him with smug grins.

“How’re you holding up over there, Knoxville?” Jeff asked, to which he received a middle finger from Knoxville.

“It’s been a long time since I've seen Y/N around? When is she coming by again?" Pontius pouted. Just the thought of your name at this point, could get Johnny hot and bothered.

"I-She's not," Johnny mumbled and rubbed his sweaty forehead. Was it just him, or was it starting to get super hot?

"That's weird. I talked to her this morning. She said, she's dropping by to say hello," Jeff said and immediately, Johnny tensed up.

"What?" He asked. He hated to even think it, but you were the last person he needed to see now.

"Y/N!" Wee-man yelled as soon as he saw your figure in the doorway.

Johnny hid his face in his hands as soon as he heard your voice. He imagined you saying his name, moaning it, screaming it.

"Hi, guys," you smiled and entered the conference room, greeting all of the guys with a hug, moving your way around the table until you reached Johnny. "Hi, babe," you smiled and leaned down to plant a kiss on his lips, although he moved away almost immediately.

You scoffed and stood up. What had you expected? He'd only been treating you like that for the last two weeks.

"Well, I can see that I'm not wanted here," you mumbled but were quickly met with reassurance from everyone but Johnny.

"Why would you think that?" Jeff asked, "we love having you here, Y/N."

"You might, but I think Johnny feels a bit different," you hissed and glared at Johnny, who slapped his forehead.

Suddenly, Ehren began laughing hysterically, to everyone's surprise. "Wait, you haven't told her yet?" He grinned and the boys slowly caught on and joined Ehren's laughing fit.

Johnny was so not having it. His fists were curled and his jaw was clenched. And you, you were utterly confused as to what was going on.

"Told me what?"

You raised your eyebrow and looked down at Johnny, who refused eye contact at all costs, the guilt weighing him down like uranium.

"We dared each other do the no nut Novem-"

"Don't even finish that sentence," you said and cut Ehren off. You were quiet for a few moments, trying to assemble yourself before speaking up.

"You wanna explain yourself, asshole?" You spat and looked down at Johnny, who sighed and looked up at you.

"Y/N, I'm so so-"

"Do you guys know how long it's been since I've had sex with my boyfriend?" I asked into the room and the guys all chuckled.

Of course, they knew. They were a part of it too, after all.

"Two weeks!"

It didn't sound like a lot, but anyone who knew you and Johnny understood that this was totally out of the ordinary.

"You're telling me I have to wait two weeks before he can bang me? How many of you guys are still in this bullshit?" You asked loudly to which Pontius, Jeff, Ehren and Wee-Man's hands went up.

"Fuck this," you sighed. You knew just how competitive Johnny was. Nothing could get in his way. Literally nothing, but then again, if anyone had the slightest chance, it was most definitely you.

-

"Y/N?"

You sighed at the sound of Johnny's voice.

Your fingers were curled inside of yourself as you lay spread across the bed.

You continued, although the sound of Johnny's footsteps came closer and closer.

You closed your eyes and began rubbing your clit, letting out a quiet moan.

"Y/N-fuck," Johnny breathed out when he walked in on you pleasuring yourself. His cock was throbbing at the sight of your naked body, but he denied all of those feelings and shuffled out of the room. The sight had made him hard as a rock.

"Johnny!" You called out. An idea had popped into your head.

He opened the door and peeked in. Your legs were spread open and they were trembling with anticipation.

"Huh?" He asked you. His eyes were almost closed. He couldn't bare to see more.

"Look, I know you're not allowed to cum or whatever, but I'm horny and I need your help," you stated and Johnny's eyes opened wide. You might be on to something, he thought.

Pleasuring you always brought Johnny pleasure, he didn't even have to pull his dick out for this one.

He smiled and rushed over to you.

He wasted no time digging his two fingers into your cunt, plunging them in and out of your wet entrance. His head rested between your legs as his tongue made contact with your clit. You reached down and grabbed a handful of his hair. God, he loved it when you did that.

What he loved, even more, was the way his name sounded when you screamed it out of pure pleasure. "Fuck, Johnny!" You cried and grabbed his one hand that wasn't fucking your cunt and pulling it up to your breast, signalling for him to massage it, which he did, gladly.

Johnny smiled against your folds and licked them up and down, ever so often pinching your sensitive clit between his lips, which drove you crazy.

"I-I think I'm g-"

"Look at me, babydoll," he ordered and you followed, looking directly into his dark brown eyes. You couldn't contain the eye contact for long though, because your eyes rolled into the back of your head and you let out a loud cry as you reached your awaited orgasm.

You tugged at Johnny's hair and breathed in loudly, trying to gather yourself.

"J-Johnny, just fuck me already, please," you sobbed and looked at Johnny.

The offer was so tempting, but he just couldn't. He snapped out of his thoughts when he felt his jeans tightening to the point of it being uncomfortable.

"O-Oh, shi-" he hissed and suddenly flew away from his position. You looked him up and down, eyes landing on the massive boner, he had packed. You held back an evil laugh as Johnny stormed out of the room. "Where are you going?" You yelled as you stood up from the bed.

"I-I'm just gonna go for a drive!" he yelled back and slammed the door. He wasn't angry with you, and you knew that. He was angry with himself. This bet was starting to get really fucking old.

The next days were seriously awful for Johnny. After helping you out, he realised that it might've been a bad idea.

The only thing on his mind was the feeling of your pretty cunt against his fingers and the sound of your screams still rang in his ears every now and then.

And you'd, of course, been making his life a living hell. Walking around naked in the apartment or dressing up in your sexiest lingerie.

Johnny kept himself together, though, and you had to give him credit. He'd handled it all very well, better than you ever could.

(random a/n; this same-ish story, but where the reader is dared?)

The end of November was just around the corner, thankfully. Sure, Johnny's hands were equivalent to magic, but nothing beat the feeling of his cock ramming into you.

You couldn't wait, quite literally. Johnny was so much better at staying committed to a dare than you. You needed him. Like, really needed him.

"Johnnyyyy," you whined and threw yourself at him like a little toddler,

He wasn't as sensitive as before. It seemed that the roles had taken a 180 because you were hornier than ever.

Johnny was sitting with his computer when you suddenly planted yourself in his lap and hugged him tightly.

"What's going on?" He asked and rubbed your back.

"I want it so badly," you whispered and bit your lip. Johnny stiffened up and shifted uncomfortably around on the couch. "Three days to go, Y/N," he comforted you, but that wasn't good enough. "No, but like, now," you said and reached down to straddle his cock. He let out a yelp and lifted you from his lap to the seat beside him as he stood up and paced around.

He was frustrated. It was really not fun anymore. Actually, it never was.

Johnny hurried to his phone and put the phone to his ear.

"Chris, you tell me now and be honest; who's still a part of this November bullshit?" Johnny asked. You smiled to yourself and crossed your fingers.

No one, please say no one.

You couldn't quite hear the rest of the conversation. You didn't really care either, because when Johnny came out, he had darker eyes and a wicked smirk on his lips.

"Go to the bedroom and take your clothes off. I'll be up in two minutes."

You squealed with excitement and ran up the stairs faster than ever.

You stripped out of your clothes and threw them to the side, feeling a knot in your stomach, waiting to be untied.

Johnny entered the room. He'd taken his shirt off on the way up the stairs.

"Get on your knees," Johnny ordered and you did so immediately and without protest of any sort.

The room was pretty dark, but you could still see Johnny's crooked smirk.

He approached you, stopping when he stood right in front of your kneeled figure.

He brushed some hair out of your face and cupped your cheeks as you stared up at him, batting your eyelashes.

He gathered your hair into a ponytail at the back of your head and tied it with the hair tie he had around his wrist.

"Fuck, I've missed your mouth," he moaned and unbuttoned his pants, not even bothering to pull them all the way down. And you were just as desperate to please him again, so without waiting any longer, you took a hold of his rock-hard length and gave it a few pumps. Johnny threw his head back when you put just the tip into your mouth. Impatient and understandably needy, Johnny skipped your slow tempo and grabbed the back of your head, pushing his cock into your mouth fully.

After four years of dating Johnny, your gag reflex was pretty much non-existent.

He began gently thrusting himself into your mouth and then sped up until you eventually could feel his tip at the end of your throat.

You watched with tears in your ears as your boyfriend had lost himself in you, thrusting himself into your mouth again and again until he was a mumbling, moaning mess, cumming down your throat.

You swallowed and Johnny watched you in admiration as he offered you his hand to help you stand up.

Your lips crashed together for the first time in weeks, and you moaned into the kiss when you reached the bed. Johnny put a hand behind your head and the other one on your back, slowly lowering you on the bed as he hovered over you with a hungry, lust-filled gaze.

You were merely wearing his t-shirt and a pair of old shorts, which Johnny quickly tore away, your underwear following. He pulled the shirt from over your head and admired your naked body for a while, before snapping out of his trance to return to his duty.

He began placing kisses down your chest but you pulled him up when you saw where he was going. You grabbed his hand and forced it down to your dripping cunt. "I don't need anything, I just want you to fuck me," you nodded and Johnny smiled. Foreplay was always a big thing in your relationship. It was a way to ensure that both parts were 100% ready, but there was no doubt in your mind; you were ready.

"You're still on the pill despite this stupid bet, right?" He asked and you nodded. He knew how bad you were at forgetting it, and he often scolded you for it.

"Good girl," he whispered raspily. That made your heart melt.

His tip was at your entrance, and you wondered if the three weeks had changed something within you. Was it going to hurt after that long with no sex?

You shook every thought off when Johnny placed a kiss on your forehead and slowly pushed into you.

"Ah-!"

Johnny looked at you with wide eyes. You apologised quietly.

"It must be because it's been a while," you said and Johnny nodded, understanding what you were feeling.

He continued pushing his member into you and watched you closely as you clenched your eyes shut and dug your nails into his wide shoulders.

He rested for a while, waiting for your sign to move, and when that sign came, he began pumping in and out of you slowly but deeply.

You grasped onto him and pulled him as close as possible while also wrapping your legs around his waist. "F-Faster," you moaned with closed eyes and Johnny grunted as he sped up, fucking you at an impossibly fast pace.

Everything seemed to go dull for a short moment. Your pussy clenched and your belly contracted tightly when a wave of pleasure hit you like a thousand bricks.

"I-Oh, my God!"

Your nails dug deeply into Johnny's back and you scratched them up towards his neck, where they rested, fiddling with the ends of his brown hair.

"Look at me, baby," Johnny ordered and continued his thrusts. You had to collect yourself before even listening to his orders, but Johnny was impatient and close to an orgasm, so he didn't have much time.

"Y/N, I said look at me," he repeated. The tone made you look at him immediately and you bit your lip and moaned loudly as you watched him orgasm for the second time that night.

"Fuuuck-urgh, baby!"

He trembled and with one last thrust, he pulled out of you and fell down beside you with a heavy but satisfied sigh.

"This November has been the best and worst of my life," you sighed and Johnny laughed in agreement as he kissed your forehead and snuggled you closer.

-

probably my favourite smut i've ever written, but what do you think?

[devilsjacket]

Imagine starting off the jackass movie with “hi I’m y/n and this jackass” you look like you took a bad hit and as you walk off you say “I think I just broke my fucking finger”

Oh what I’d give to be a silly little 2000s dude with horrendous style who does dangerous stunts with a bunch of idiots 😔

[downtownbunnybaby]

Johnny Knoxville x SNL Cast Member Headcanons

A/N: Ignore the fact the SNL cast and Jackass timeline is inaccurate. This is my fantasy, and if I want Bill Hader and Johnny Knoxville to interact...THEY WILL. This is the most self-indulgent thing I have ever written.

[Johnny Knoxville x G!N Reader]

Warnings: None. SFW.

Words: 601

The two of you hit it off instantly when he hosted Saturday Night Live. It was evident to everyone that he preferred your sketches, even pitching for you to be the second lead. Not caring that it was painfully obvious he was flirting with you. 

“So, I was thinking you and Bill can—” 

“Actually, can you be in it, doll?” 

After the week concludes, the two of you promise to stay in contact. You’re constantly talking over the phone and flying out to each other's cities. So it’s no surprise to your SNL friends and the Jackass guys when you announce you’re dating. 

During breaks, you fly down to LA, making several appearances in episodes of Jackass as a background character. Despite your longing to join in your boyfriend’s antics, Knoxville never allows you in the stunts. In fear of you getting injured. 

“Can’t have that pretty face of yours telling jokes with a bruised eye,” 

However, in the first Jackass, you finally appear in a stunt pranking your SNL family. 

“HI! I’m Y/N, and welcome to Studio 8H,” 

You and the Jackass group are running around, using shopping carts to crash into cast members’ offices. 

“Dave, why don't you leave a gift for Fred on his couch,” 

We all know Lorne Michaels wanted Knoxville to join the cast, so he doesn’t mind when Knox is around during the week or rehearsals. Or when you “accidentally” write sketches that are made for Johnny to be featured. 

“...So you don’t want Seth to play the character or Andy. So, who do you want to play them?”

“Well…there’s one person I have in mind,”

“It’s Johnny, isn’t it,”

“No—yes, it’s Johnny,” 

Both groups love your relationship. 

Your SNL family adores Johnny and has also hopped on the trend of writing sketches for him when he’s around or pritching stunts for him to feature in Jackass. 

“Y/N! Show Johnny this stunt I wrote for him,” 

“Will, this isn’t a stunt,” Scanning the script, you laugh at the proposal. “This is five pages of you and Knoxville going on a romantic date. I’m not going to let you steal my boyfriend." Snatching the script, Will mutters about knowing him first before storming into his office. Queue Jason Sudekis and Andy Samberg tossing their text seeing you reject Will Forte. 

The Jackass guys think you are the funniest person and constantly ask you to join their group. 

“Come on, Y/N, leave SNL and join us,” 

“No, Steveo, I would like to stay alive for my third season,” 

“Your loss,” He said, swallowing a goldfish. “You can replace Knoxville.” 

You convince Lorne to let Knoxville host again, and it’s the most-viewed episode of the season. The cast and writers write sketches that showcase not only you and Knox’s comedic chemistry but also romantic chemistry. 

Somehow the romantic date sketch Will wrote made it into the show. Of course, Will takes the opportunity to make you a waiter that gets obliterated by food and has to fall onto tables and chairs. Knox has one hell of a time pretending to be on a date with Will—occasionally breaking character from the insanity. 

In the green room, Johnny lets you know he only has eyes for you. The appreciation makes you late for your appearance on Weekend Update. 

Seth makes sure to comment on your shortness of breath and disheveled appearance. 

“You alright, Y/N? You seem to be out of breath,” 

“Long walk.”

“It’s five feet…and you rolled over.” 

Naturally, you and Johnny are infatuated with one another, despite being on opposite ends of the comedic spectrum. 

—

TAGLIST:

@asskickedbygirl @captainboomaray @morbidxmagic @spoookyberry

TAGLIST FORM

A/N: this is such a niche, and I'm probably the only person benefiting from these headcanons.

[princessthatcantfuckingsleep]

The Jackass™ girl Growing up with bam & Ryan♡♡