#well I must say firing squad is like the first candidates for bad people they do feel like they are animals or smth

[irascible-iridescent]

I do enjoy the Jean as a character and his dynamic with Harry makes me crazy, on the other hand I hate Jean fans here

[vvienne]

TODOBAKUDEKU FIC RECS

Curse of Baytown by surveycorpsjean

With the last of his hope, Shouto stumbles into a strange town. Be it destiny, or be it fate; his life will change forever.

two whole dicks for a half and half bitch by Ascend

Todoroki stumbles his way into a threesome, Midoriya cries into his pants, and Bakugou gets cockblocked no less than twice, but eventually, they all get laid.

Of Respite and Odyssey, Balm and Halcyon, Rapture and Godot, Lear and Pierrot by JayJEx

Aizawa and All Might’s Forever Squad of Problem Children

(8:47 AM) Midorito: @/everyone this is an official callout post for @/Discount IcyHot Patch, who is returning to musutafu tomorrow and DIDN’T EVEN TELL ANY OF US!!!!! ლ(ಠ益ಠ)ლ

Shouto groans in despair. Predictably, the group chat immediately explodes.

-or-

Todoroki returns to Musutafu after six years away and his tragic inability to keep up with all of the people in his life catches up to him in the worst, most irritating ways possible.

(Though he might at least get a boyfriend or two out of the matter. That’s a plus.)

if it was only a distraction (how come I can't stay away) by Voulezvous_79

He scrolls down and his heart stops - shit, shit, shit, no. Bad Izuku. You are over this. Completely, totally, definitely over any high school crushes that were going nowhere - because it’s the photo.

The one he surreptitiously had as his phone background for his entire first year in America. The one he cried over when he got on the plane. The one he jerked himself off to - once, okay!? It was one time, and he panic-deleted it after he came, and then cried about that, so he’s not proud, okay?

---

Or: Izuku's back in Japan, and he's definitely, totally, 100% coping with his friends' new relationship.

Biology for Assholes by fruiticle

Bakugou, an omega with Pseudo Alpha Syndrome, was content to live with his heatless, smoke-scented, absolutely-not-soft condition.

Really. He wouldn’t change a thing.

JUMP!!! by cxlmberry

Izuku grew up watching Superhero Legend, the iconic, generation-defining anime series featuring the invincible crimefighter All Might. Now, he is ready to become a professional manga author himself, to inspire thousands of people with his own series for decades to come – if only things were that simple.

Weekly Shounen Jump picked up Shouto’s series when he was only sixteen, and since then, he has become one of the most accomplished authors in the magazine. He’s a teenage prodigy. A genius. Jump’s main attraction. Sometimes the stress of it is too much.

Katsuki is talented – extremely, rudely so, and he knows it. An incredible artist and master storyteller, he’s out to become the one and only, undisputed King of Shounen Jump. Now, he only needs to get published.

A story of passions and careers, talent and hard work, second, third and fourth chances, as well as recovery and growth.

---

Alternatively, a budding manga artists AU.

Fire in the Mountains by EllaBesmirched (El_Bell)

“I’ll do it.”

Enji froze, fingers curling into a fist at his side, and didn’t turn around.

Shouto froze too, feeling his own eyes widen in shock at the words that had come out of his mouth, at the fact that he had actually stood up, followed his father out of the room, and dashed after him all just to say… he’d do it? He would do it? Him. Shouto Todoroki. He would--

Enji finally turned around and fixed Shouto with an expression so scathing, Shouto had to fight to keep his chin raised. “You’ll marry the Barbarian King.”

Shouto blinked. “Yes.”

How (Not) to Bribe a Human Sacrifice by maxisnotokay

"You want to kill me?" Katsuki asked, brows raised. He suddenly looked a little less like a king and more like a man, peering at Izuku through the moonlight. "You help me make this cure, and you kill me."

"Those are my conditions," Izuku said. He didn't break his gaze. "A deal's a deal, Kacchan, and I'm trying to be a hero."

+++

[fantasy au. midoriya literally falls from the sky and strikes up a deal with an unlikely candidate. things do not go as planned.]

Guildy Pleasures by Mysecretfanmoments

As the only son of a powerful politician, Todoroki Shouto's life is just one big boring cutscene—except when he logs on to Land of Heroes, where he plays as ShoutO, slaying foes and keeping his fellow guildmates alive. It's enough fun that it almost distracts him from the fact that he's falling for two of those guildmates. Almost. But he's got to stay in stealth mode, because Bakugou and Midoriya are mega-popular streamer duo ZeroDeku… and they're already dating each other.

Shouto has managed to keep his real identity a secret from them all this time, but when he's caught on live television watching one of their streams he ends up not only pulling aggro from the whole country, but catching the attention of ZeroDeku themselves. To his shock, they actually want to meet Shouto, the politician's son—and this time there's no avatar to hide behind.

the universe must have my back, you fell from the sky into my lap by lelex

The picture looks like it was taken in a cafe, Todoroki in a light blue sweater that even from a distance looks wildly soft, seated at a baby grand piano with his short hair effortlessly tousled. It’s one of those photos where it’s obvious Todoroki wasn’t expecting it to be taken—he’s in the middle of looking up at whoever is behind the camera, a smile small on his face but delight evident in the curve of his mouth.

He’s stupidly beautiful. Looking at him for too long makes Izuku kind of sweaty.

They both sit there staring at this one picture for almost three full minutes. In complete silence. Eventually, Kacchan sighs a little bit and tips his head backwards to rest on the couch. Staring up at the ceiling, he murmurs, “Well, shit.”

Izuku can’t stop the lightly hysterical laugh that explodes from his mouth in response.

“We’re fucked.”

*

Izuku, Katsuki, and Shouto fuck up a meet-cute, twice. But everyone wins in the end.

Cinderoki, the Sweaty Prince, and the Furious Fairy by Esselle

"I wish I could go to the royal ball for Prince Izuku," Shouto finally told the fairy.

Katsuki screwed up his face. "That's it?" Shouto nodded. "Why?"

"It seems fun."

"It's not going to be fun." Katsuki scowled. "It's going to be terrible. You have to have a better wish."

"I want that one," Shouto said.

--

Todoroki Shouto is cursed. Since he was five years old, he's been locked away from the rest of the world to keep his out of control magic a secret. He thought he could be content with his storybooks—until an invitation comes from the royal palace, inviting his family to attend a ball for Crown Prince Izuku.

Shouto wants to go; he wants to be normal; he wants to leave his cage. Most of all, he wants to know what it's like to live in a fairy tale, even if it's only for one night. Fortunately, he's about to meet one pissed off fairy named Katsuki, who's been watching Shouto his whole life and waiting to make his wish come true.

Powder Keg by Ajaxthegreat

Bakugou really, really, really didn’t want to be trapped in an elevator with Todoroki and a fireproof dildo.

Sensory Input by Esselle

"Captain," Shouto says, clearing his throat. "You put in a request?"

Midoriya stands in front of the window now, staring out at the endless expanse of stars. He turns when Shouto enters. Like Bakugou, he's dressed casually, in a simple grey shirt that stretches over his chest. His green eyes blink wide as though in surprise, before he smiles. It's sheepish and shy. In front of the window, the vastness of space flung out behind him, he's as stunning as a supernova.

"I did, right," he says. "The, um, the thermostat… seems to be, maybe—"

Bakugou cuts him off with a loud sigh. "Quit wastin' his time and tell him why he's really here."

--

Shouto is a remote crew member of a spaceship—his real body is stationed on a world far away, but his consciousness is housed in a maintenance bot on board the ship. When he manages to attract the attention of the ship's gorgeous captain and fiery first officer, it doesn't take long to discover that the bot's adjustable sensitivity levels have more enjoyable applications than repair work.

[miximax-hell]

...This should have been published the 10th of January. I queued it ages ago (back when my last post was published), but Tumblr farted and decided not to post it. Which is just fantastic. It’s not the first time it decides to screw up the queue, but it’s the first time it happens to me on this blog. So annoying. This means it’s coming a few days late, but I hope you all still had a fantastic EnYaga Day!

As I prepared for True EnYaga Day back in October, I found again this old doodle of mine--the base for what would later become the final design of EnYaga. I thought it might be fun to share it and use it as an excuse to talk about this subject AGAIN, and... that was good enough for me, really.

You guys know me and there’s probably very little reason to do so, but I have never really talked about the reasons behind this miximax, have I? Well, if there is a day to indulge in that, it’s EnYaga Day, so let’s get to it!

As usual, more under the cut.

Despite Tumblr’s betrayal, this does have a perk: I get to revise this post before it’s published, which is great, because I’m happy to report that things are better now than when I first wrote it. In the original version, I mentioned that my life at the time was a little... paused, so there wasn’t really a lot to say. Among the only news worth sharing, I sent an oil painting to a friend a couple of months ago and it arrived very fast and completely safe, so that was great! It was a Professor Layton-themed painting, but now that I don’t have it at home anymore, I’m tempted to make another one... (If I do, chances are more FudoLay content will arrive here swiftly after lol) Other than that, I’d just started my classes again, but I was still desperately looking for a job. At least, classes made me feel like I wasn’t completely wasting every single day, so I was more cheerful than I was during summer. (Funny, because my group of friends at uni used to say that they could only smile during summer, but I was pretty miserable during those months. ww;)

Thankfully, though, I can say I now have a job! And it’s great!! ...The conditions aren’t so great, but at least I’m back to work as a game designer. I’m learning so much and I feel very motivated to work, even if it’s technically a collaboration and I will only get money once the game is published--in other words, when the game starts bringing money our way. This is far from ideal, but I honestly had no other options and I’m having a blast working on this, so I hope something cool will come out of it! For now, I would ask you to keep your eyes on Eskema Games and maybe check out the company’s latest game, Delta Squad? I had absolutely NOTHING to do with that game because it was released way before I joined, but supporting it supports the company I work for, which always comes in handy! It also underperformed, so it could use all the love you guys can give it.

Also, let me quickly point something out: about a year ago, an anon asked me if i was going to include Danganronpa characters in this project. The question is here, in case anyone needs a reminder: https://miximax-hell.tumblr.com/post/181991994534/hey-there-since-youre-doing-miximaxs-with-game Well, I FINALLY got my hands on the DR Trilogy for PS4, so I’ll be looking into that and seeing what I can find! If that anon is still around, I hope I can make them happy.

But let’s cut to the chase already!

As I always make sure to clarify, yes, I do massively ship Endou and Yagami. But there’s thankfully much more to EnYaga (the miximax--if I need to talk about the ship again, I’ll just call it Endou x Yagami) than just “yeah, I ship them.” In order to understand the reasons behind this combination, though, we must venture into two very different subjects: what reasons there are to choose Yagami to begin with, and the life story of yours truly. I swear both are important to get the full picture, but I’ll keep the latter as brief and free of unnecessary information as possible, even if it’s definitely the longest and most complex part. So, without any further ado, let’s see what makes this miximax valid within the logic of this project.

A big chunk of what makes EnYaga work was explained exactly three years ago, here: https://miximax-hell.tumblr.com/post/131215636268/when-the-king-enters-the-room-the-world-stops-and

The tl;dr would be that Endou plays as a goalkeeper, but also as a libero! Being such radically different positions, it’s to be expected that he would need two different miximaxes, because it would be rather difficult to find an aura that improves his field skills (shooting power, speed, etc.) and his goalkeeping abilities at the same time. Thankfully, Yagami gives him the exact abilities a good libero needs to be able to excel--especially when that libero has the pressure of being part of most of the strong hissatsus the team can pull off. So, for more info on EnYaga’s powers, please check the link above. (And note that, of course, this miximax only marginally improves Endou’s goalkeeping capabilities.)

I have also talked in length about the relationship between Endou and Yagami, but here’s a very brief summary. During the in-game events of IE2, Endou gave Yagami hope when all she wanted was to die to atone for her sins, thus saving her life in the process. In return, she wanted to give him the strength to fight when he needed it most as a way to repay his kindness towards her.

Yagami’s innate abilities and the bond they share are the more logical reasons behind this miximax. There is, however, one extra reason to include this miximax in the project.

There have always been three main rules here when it comes to choosing auras:

1. Only characters that come from universes predominantly inhabited by humans (or very human-like creatures, like Zelda’s Hylians).

2. Only one character from every franchise, unless they are Level-5 franchises. In that case, I may use up to two per franchise. Examples of this are Danball Senki/Little Battlers eXperience (with Toramaru and Megane) and Professor Layton (with Fudou and Shishido).

3. One aura coming from every single (and proper) Inazuma Eleven game on the market. Those being Inazuma Eleven, IE2: Fire, IE2: Blizzard, IE3: Spark, IE3: Bomber, IE3: Ogre, IEGO: Light, IEGO: Dark, IEGO Chrono Stone: Raimei, IEGO Chrono Stone: Neppu, IEGO Galaxy: Supernova, IEGo Galaxy: Big Bang, Inazuma Eleven Strikers, IE Strikers 2012 XTreme, and IEGO Strikers 2013. I’m not counting Everyday, SD nor unreleased titles. So far, I have 7 out of 15.

From the beginning, I have wanted Endou to have nothing but Inazuma Eleven-only miximaxes. I mean, he’s the main character and all!

Needless to say, Yagami is part of the Inazuma Eleven miximaxes--in fact, she takes the IE2 Blizzard spot, if anyone is curious about that very specific detail. She is obviously a very predominant character in that game, having a relevant impact during the final match against The Genesis and even (spoiler alert for a 10 years old game) by injuring Kazemaru earlier, because he didn’t just leave like he did in the anime--Yagami sent him to the hospital when he started matching The Genesis’s power. Since she’s a main character in that game, and considering that many of the other important characters introduced in it become part of the teams that make up this project (such as Hiroto, Midorikawa and maaaybe Saginuma), Yagami was the perfect candidate. She was also arguably the strongest among the remaining main characters of IE2, and the only midfielder. Not to mention the bond she shares with Endou, which only rounds it all up even more.

So, as a brief summary, Yagami is an Inazuma Eleven character (which is exactly what I wanted for Endou) and a very strong player, she provides Endou with everything he would need to be a good libero (incredible speed, great shooting strength, being a midfielder and the stamina that inherently comes with it, powerful hissatsus, and so on), she shares a canonical bond with Endou, the contrast between their personalities is super interesting to explore, and there are reasons why even she would want him to take her power. He can hardly have it better! It makes a lot of sense, and it’s all heavily based on canon, so I don’t need to explain much in that regard. That’s always convenient.

But there is another side to all of this. My side.

I first started working on miximaxes with the idea of only making 4 or 5. I simply meant to give extra love to some of my favourite characters to make myself and a few friends happy. This never became a full-fledged project until my good friend Heather, who used to be on Tumblr under the username @ishidoshuuji, said she wanted to be able to reblog the Seitei x Yuuichi miximax I had drawn for her. In other words, this: https://miximax-hell.tumblr.com/post/129863262149/well-it-was-about-time-i-started-using-this-blog

Before that, miximax-hell used to be a private blog: one of those you can only check out if you have the password. I never thought ANY stranger would be interested in it, so why expose myself like that? It would only make me feel bad. I could have never imagined over a hundred people would follow me here, and even less so considering that only about 10 of my friends follow this blog. So I have to thank Heather because, even if 100 isn’t a big number at all here on Tumblr, I still appreciate each and every person who stops by and it’s helped me meet some incredibly lovely people.

Back to the subject, though. This story is directly linked to MamoDai’s. The important part of it was that EnYaga’s design isn’t mine, and so isn’t MamoDai: the former is completely not mine (even if, as the sketch above suggests, the concept was first doodled by me), while the latter was only partially mine. The thing, though, is that the same person made EnYaga and “collaborated” on the creation of MamoDai, which meant I let them into this very personal solo project twice. If you want to check out the full story, though, you can read it here: https://miximax-hell.tumblr.com/post/142160652319/you-should-have-seen-this-one-coming-come-on

As I was saying, miximax-hell is a solo project. It’s something for me to enjoy, for me to think about, for me to develop, for me to improve at designing character, and for me to decide on. I set the rules and I come up with suitable matches--or what I think are suitable matches, that is. ww I’m definitely open to suggestions if anyone is willing to share their thoughts with me, and fanart is always, always, ALWAYS welcome, of course, but I don’t borrow other people’s ideas nor designs. Not because those designs and ideas aren’t fantastic, nor because I’m not allowed to, but because the point of this blog is to have fun and improve my skills. If I don’t do it myself, it’s kind of pointless, so I prefer a bad design made by me over a great design by someone else. Also, if people were to check all of these things out, I wanted it to be because of my work, not because someone super well-known was part of it and people were desperate to get more content from them.

When I first came up with this project, though, someone very close to me wanted to be part of it. Not because they found it interesting per se, but simply because it was mine. I had previously declined an offer to join one of their projects because I lacked the necessary skill, so they wanted to join mine instead. And don’t get me wrong--I appreciate the interest even now! But, again, it beat the point and I had to refuse. Looking back, I’m very glad I didn’t give in, but I felt awful back then and this person must have felt really bad too.

That’s why I made that exception and suggested, “Hey, why don’t we create a miximax together?” That’s how MamoDai was born. But while the interest in working on MamoDai seemed... scarce, this person came up with and gave me something out of their own accord: the EnYaga miximax design I still use to this day.

Now, here’s the thing: EnYaga was a proper gift that person made for me, and I always honour gifts. If it had been a random doodle, like I have received others in the past, it would have ended there. But when someone puts true effort and time into making something especifically FOR ME, regardless of what happens between us later, I still treasure it forever. And this gift came from a person who, apparently, really wanted to be part of this project when I first came up with it, which, honestly, put me in a tight spot. The least I could do was accept this design, which I loved almost as much as I loved them, and incorporate it to my lineup.

EnYaga was going to happen regardless, because I was working on it myself, but this person beat me to it (with such incredible quality, too, which I would never be able to hold a candle to) and, after what I made them go through with my continuous rejections, I had to honour them somehow. It was my way of saying, “I can’t let you do this for me, but I deeply appreciate the thought.”

This person is now out of my life, though. This means that, honestly, I could just get rid of the design. They would never know, and I would be happier with something of my own even if it sucked in comparison. They would never feel offended either--not like they would even if they knew, because it’s obvious they don’t care about me anymore. It would be easy and 100% painless for all parties involved.

But EnYaga is a token of the bond we once shared and I treasure that, even though I don’t want anything to do with that person anymore. It portrays the fun and happy times, not the sad and bitter ending. Happiness is always something worth remembering, isn’t it? And maybe, just maybe, thanks to the wonderful people I’m close to and my eternal love towards Endou x Yagami, I might one day be able to completely forgive the bad and focus on the good, so I can smile when I look at EnYaga and think of this person. I look forward to a day when there isn’t an ounce of bitterness left in my heart (although I am one revengeful and spiteful piece of poo, so it might never happen). And for that possibility alone, it might be worth it to keep making this one exception and let this miximax be someone else’s. Especially now that I have DoYaga to call my own.

So that’s it, folks: not only do Endou and Yagami make for a sick combination in theory, but it’s also a miximax with deep sentimental value for me in so many different ways. So even if it had been someone else’s idea and the two characters were a terrible match in all senses, chances are I would have still kept it. Thank goodness it wasn’t the case. ww

And all because I didn’t finish the design fast enough on my own. May that be the lesson to learn from this: hurry the heck up, self.

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 26 - TOR - The Eichel Standard

6-4 Regulation Win

Let’s have a moment of honesty. I’ll start. I expected this to be a signed sealed and delivered loss (I think many of us did). I had a rip-roaring time watching that epic Buffalo Bills game on Thanksgiving to the point where I was near dreading a home and home series with the team I hate more than any other in the world (I think many of us did). The Buffalo Sabres, losers of 11 out of 13, up against a hated Leafs squad fresh off the firing and roasting of their former coach rattling off three straight wins, is the setup for a massively painful loss… or a very cathartic win... and a playoff spot at the moment *Heavily suggestive nudging*. We’ll come back to that. One more moment of honesty: I have begun to feel dirty roasting the Leafs fans who file into Key Bank Center in droves as of late. The reality that has been attested to me a dozen times is these are mostly folks who haven’t and may never see a Leafs game in Toronto. They’ve been priced out. Instead of feeling offended that so many thrifty season ticket holders in the lower bowl sell their tickets to Leafs fans… we should really pity these Leafs fans and give them good treatment. They are priced out by an organization that has sucked ass for half a century and not even granted them the dignity of watching it live. Just a thought. I digress. What is the greatest game against the Leafs in Sabres history? Greatest Game Against for this divisional rival actually has scanter options than you might think. There is no Leafs-Sabres game in the top fifteen of the Buffalo News’ top 50 games in franchise history. These teams are rarely good at the same time and the one time they were gave us the only playoff series between the two in the 1999 Eastern Conference Final, a series won by the Sabres I may add. The Greatest Game Against the Leafs in franchise history comes in that series: Game 5. The 4-2 win sealed the second trip to the Stanley Cup Final in franchise history. Like many big moments the team got in the late 1990s it was backstopped by Dominik Hasek being the best goaltender in the world but nonetheless the Sabres won a trip to the biggest series for the organization since the mid-70s so whose complaining? That series allows us to carry the historical playoff edge against the Leafs into a playoff series I now feel is as inevitable as Thanos. I guess we’ll see about that. Last night was a boost, no doubt about that.

Buffalo did what they’ve been good at lately: getting a neat little hot start and getting our hopes up before absolutely roasting our turkey. There are nights where Jack Eichel has a game. There are nights when Linus Ullmark has a game. Last Night they both had a game. William Nylander outmaneuvered Johan Larsson and Marco Scandella back on the other end and suddenly found himself on a breakaway. Linus Ullmark said: ain’t no problem. He scooped it up to thunderous applause. I wasn’t at this game so I’m not going to comment on the Leafs jerseys to Sabres jerseys ratio but from the sound of it both fanbases had the power of applause. Auston Matthews disappeared throughout this game; but the guy who was mature enough for the C did not. This game could be framed as the battle of the Captains. John Tavares broke the scoreless tie late in the first period with a quick shot from Ilya Mikheyev. I think Linus Ullmark was screened by both Leafs and Sabres players on that one. Sometimes it seems as though this club either doesn’t know how to defend the net or defends it so hard the goalie can’t do his job. Either way it was 1-0 after one period. Tavares struck again early in the second period. Eichel and Spezza had both gone to the box creating a 4-on-4 and some space for creative players on the Leafs. This 2-0 goal I feel comfortable blaming on Ullmark. Tavares leads a 2-on-3 and the puck ends up way behind the net. Ullmark splayed out on his belly way too early and JT got his own rebound and tapped it in. I suppose it also would have helped if the Sabres defenders were a little tougher on Tavares but hey, they held Auston Matthews off the score sheet so I’m not complaining, well at least not after the Buffalo Sabres arrived in this game shortly before six minutes into the second period.

Brandon Montour kept the puck in the offensive zone on a failed Leafs zone exit and passed it to Johan Larsson. Larsson goes in and doesn’t see his shot, so he drop passes it to one of the best trailers in the league in my humble opinion: Jeff Skinner. Yes, Skinner on a line centered by Johan Larsson is some interesting strategy from Ralph Krueger and you probably have seen the roasts of the strange deployment. Me, well I’m going to save those roasts for the losses. Skinner ripped off an Eichel-esque wrist shot that Michael Hutchinson never responded to. Just right in. Funny part of this story as we go onto the flowering of the Sabres offense here: man-of-the-people new Leafs coach Sheldon Keefe asked the players what they thought of the difficult backup position they got up there and they wanted Hutchinson called up. Hutch must feel like he got the raw end of that deal, eh? Spoiler Alert: he let six goals in. After the Skinner goal both teams botched a powerplay and as the Leafs’ one expired Jack Eichel came out of the box to pick up a juicy stray puck that had wandered into the neutral zone. Him, Marcus Johannson and Conor Sheary go off to the races on a 3-on-1. Jack Eichel does a Jack Eichel Special and this game is tied. If you watch this team regularly you probably know what a Jack Eichel Special is: quick release wrist shot from the point, preferably on the rush. That’s yummier than Thanksgiving stuffing! The feast had just begun! Marco Scandella shot from the point and Casey Mittelstadt bats at it to create a redirect of the year candidate for the 3-2 lead. Now if you want to find some similarities between these two teams its not hard. One might be that both have enough skill guys to draw defenders out of their coverages. That’s what happened when another Leafs powerplay was ending and Jack Eichel had the puck. He has the puck behind the Leafs net along with 3(?) blue & white defenders… yeah, you know who that left open: Victor Olofsson. Goalofsson is no longer in an exclusive relationship with the powerplay, now he’s taking shots in all situations and he puts the Sabres up 4-2 to put a nice little bow on the first forty minutes of this game.

Almost seven minutes into the final frame Dmytro Timashov get a shot off through the woods and the Leafs are back within one. You can’t sit back in this league, the Sabres have learned that the hard way. But with the Leafs you can’t only not sit back, you need to bury them alive. You have to beat them so bad they’re thinking of their next opponent to beat these guys. The third period was a kind of touch-and-go experience as the Leafs closed in and the Sabres extended their lead. I was in a movie for this game and when I was looking at the scorers afterwards I saw Jimmy Vesey unassisted and thought to myself: three unassisted breakaway goals in the three games? What are the chances? I come to find out it wasn’t a breakaway, but it was one of those embarrassing goals you watch happen and think: “Yeah, that’s going to be showed in a Leafs video session.” They gave up the puck right in the slot and Jimmy Vesey takes it and hardly has to do the cotton eyed joe to get through the defenders right up to Hutchinson. When Vesey got there he put a goal that actually merits the name “Greasy Vesey”: five hole from point blank. Oh, this was the moment this game became cathartic. Not only is Jack Eichel roasting the Leafs, now its his BU drinking buddy tapping in five-hole stingers. Kasperi Kapanen closed the Leafs to within one again mere minutes later on another goal Ullmark probably wants back. And so it would be a one goal game for the last eight minutes until Jack Eichel got the puck in the defensive zone with a Leafs empty net and launched an ICBM all the way down ice into the open cage for the final score line of 6-4. That’s right, the Sabres didn’t just beat the Leafs, they did it in regulation like a bunch of Gs. If we could have a game like that every night a lot fewer fans would be calling Buffalo’s turkey roasted at this phase of the season.

The NHL gave three stars honors to Eichel, Vesey and Tavares but I’m going to change one of those. Jack Eichel was not only good on the score sheet; he literally had a perfect game in zone entries and breakouts. Those are the stats of a leader. If that behavior infects his teammates we won’t be talking about another lost season much longer. If we see players on this team at least showing Eichel’s drive to win each night then what could happen? The answer is beautiful things with the Eichel Standard. Star number two ought to be Linus Ullmark who has secretly been behind some of the Sabres recent almost success and tonight: actual success. Ullmark has a .913 save percentage, which is very much on the good side, having started five of the last seven games. Think about the last seven games, how many of them do you think the goalie came out looking that good? The tide might be turning on this tandem. The time is shortly before noon on Saturday I’m going to post this. A lot can change in the next 24 hours in this league, not to mention the outcome of a second game between these two teams tonight in Toronto; but as of right now the Buffalo Sabres sit in a playoff spot at third place in the division. Say what you will about this club wasting a fantastic October, or losing in spectacular fashion against lesser teams, or even the seeming inability of the GM to rotate out some defensive depth so his Coach can stop rotating good defenseman out of the lineup; this team is not out of it. Not yet. I did Thanksgiving Playoffs last postgame remembering that most of the teams in the playoffs on American Thanksgiving are in the dance come the end of the season. The playoff picture in the east right now is tight AF. No, frustrated we might be game to game this season has all the makings of not being over. Stop writing the epitaph while the body is warm. Being a Sabres fan sucks but you got to give it the space to not suck sometimes.

After the Leafs tonight we have the DEVILS who are just as bad as the last time we checked. After that the Sabres fly out on a Western Canada road trip I’m not too afraid of. I’m not telling you they’re going to create separation in the standings, we’ve watched this team enough to know opportunity is often squandered, but I doubt we’re as doom and gloom about this team when we see the Leafs again in three Tuesdays. Just an idea, I’ll probably be wrong, right? Tampa is also waiting to come alive like a loaded coil sitting outside the playoff picture so I should be more hesitant to get excited, eh? Like, share and comment on this blog to hop on board to remind me when I’m wrong. Happy Holidays, it seems as though we can be happy this holiday season just off Bills energy. Call me a fool but I’ve got some serious Sabres energy going on right now too. Let’s Go Buffalo!

Thanks for Reading.

P.S. The Tim Hortons Rivalry. Let’s make that a thing. Nobody outside Southern Ontario or Western New York knows wtf the QEW is so let’s not name the rivalry after a fucking highway. This is a sleeping giant of a rivalry that we are naming after a fucking road. Think about it. The more you think about “Tim Hortons Rivalry” the more it makes sense.

[moczothe1st]

Let’s Play Fire Emblem IV: Genealogy of the Holy War, Part 23: An Altenuous Situation

Part 22

Welcome back to another week of Let’s Tolerate Thracia.  …. I mean, let’s play Fire Emblem IV.  When we left off, we had just recruited the world’s worst hostage, and were about to send him back to save his doofus father.  Let’s check out our new kid!

So here’s Cairpre. He’s… he’s certainly around.  His Major Bragi holy blood and all those staves in his backpack should be enough to tell you he’s actually the second child of Claude and Sylvia, making him Lene’s younger brother.  How he ended up in Thracia, away from his sister and adopted by Santa Claus, will have to be a story for another time because right now we’re summarizing his unit and he’s… okay.  Basically another Claude. He starts off at level one, which is not as big a problem as it could be because he should never, ever be in combat anyway, and comes in with several long-range healing staves that will make his level shoot up fast. He’s just another healer, really. Not a bad healer, but nothing super impressive. 

He starts the long walk back to his adopted father to recruit him while Patty just keeps right on stabbing some helpless dude, like a hero.

Good job, Patty! The healer down south of her who kept patching that guy up should push her over the edge to another level, and she’ll be close to promotion.  And with him gone, other units who were busy keeping her target standing still can move to clear out Hannibal’s castle.

Mook: If you wish to claim it, you must first claim my life!

There was absolutely no need to do that. He’d have disappeared peacefully when I recruit Hannibal anyway.  I just wanted the free experience points.

Patty is learning to become a cannon lately, huh? When she promotes she’ll just wreck people.  Lana also gains a level from warping our remaining promotion candidates back to home base to pick up their new clothes, with Lene’s help. 

Your mom would be proud, sweetie. But not as proud as I will be of our four shiny new promotes!  

Oh, that’s beautiful. Tinni in particular is a standout here, because promoting to War Mage lets her use swords (which… no), Staves, and pushes her Thunder rank up to A so she can finally buy her mom’s old Thoron tome.  

And Patty is here too! Cairpre even gains his first level just from zapping the army with his Fortify staff.  A good one, too. I’m so proud-ish of him.  And from here, Seliph is finally close enough to recruit Altena…

Altena: My brother, Prince Leif, has explained the truth to me, and I can no longer oppose you. If you please, I’d like to join your ranks.

Seliph: Princess Altena?! … Ah, yes. That’s right! Prince Leif has told me everything, and we’ve both prayed you would come… He’ll be so glad to know you’ve joined us. You’ve made a difficult but wise decision.

(I like the implication that the entire drama with Altena was something Seliph knew about, but just kind of slipped his mind.)

Altena: … I can still scarcely believe this has all happened. And yet, the moment I gazed into my brother’s eyes, I understood everything.

(Platonically! She was gazing into his eyes platonically! God, I hate that I feel the need to specify that.)

Altena: His eyes revealed my father’s warm gaze…  and as clear as if it were yesterday, I felt for a split second as if I was swaddled in my mother’s gentle arms…

(PLATONICALLY!)

Seliph: I admit I’m still not entirely sure what King Travant was trying to do with you. I still cannot see what would have led him to spare you and bring you into his home after murdering your parents…

(… It was the holy spear of the gods that only she can wield. Why do so many people have trouble grasping that?!)

Altena: I’ve heard he once told my brother, Arion, that he sought to use the power of Leonster’s holy lance, Gae Bolg, as his own. For that alone, he needed me…

Seliph: You were little more than a tool to him?

Altena: I… I’m still not entirely sure. For all his cruelty, he still treated me as if I were his true daughter.

(… When?)

Seliph: Did he, now… I suppose I’ve never known much of his ways.

(That’s cool, neither did the writers.)

Altena: I must as a favor of you, milord. It’s about Arion… we need to help Prince Arion!

Seliph: Certainly! I’m hardly eager to fight a man of his fine caliber, if what I’ve heard is true. The only question is, can we convince him?

Altena: I’ll do my best to persuade him again. All I ask is a little time. Please, milord!

… and having had that dopey mess, also let Cairpre recruit Hannibal.

Cairpre: Lord Seliph freed me from Luthecia!

Hannibal: Cairpre?! Y…you’re safe!

Cairpre: Yep! Listen, Papa…. I want to join Lord Seliph’s army. Thracia’s changed so much lately…. I want to fight to help all of its people, and bring back the old Thracia!

Hannibal: Heh… you’ve grown into a splendid young man, Cairpre. Very well! I, too, shall serve Lord Seliph.

Cairpre: Yes! Thank you, Papa! First we’ll help free Thracia, and then together, we’ll challenge the Empire!

See, Altena? That was a nice normal discussion that didn’t make either of them look like total doofuses who weren’t paying attention to the war they were in. Ah, well, let’s take a look at the newbies.

So here’s Hannibal. He… well, let’s not mince words, he probably wasn’t worth the effort of recruiting him. He’s not a bad unit, inherently, being a General with Pavise, Vantage, and Adept (though with only 11 speed, it’s unlikely he’ll be activating that third one very often). It’s just that the majority of his stats are only ‘decent’ at a time in the game when many units are approaching ‘godlike’, and like Arden before him, he has a lower movement range than everyone else in a game where you’ll quickly find yourself wishing everyone would just get a horse. He’ll get a little use, but honestly most of the time he’ll be staying at our home base to make sure no random reinforcements sneak up and steal it from under us.

And after two borderline duds, we finally get our shining diamond of the map.  Altena is a monster; even unpromoted her stats are already mostly equal or better than Hannibal’s, and she’s got more levels left to gain than he does with better growth rates on top of it, thanks to coming with two different Holy Blood types, Major Nova and Minor Baldur.  She’s also a flying unit, meaning Fee no longer has to go everywhere alone, and comes into the army carrying all of Quan’s old spears, including the truly awesome Gae Bolg coming at last back to our hands after we barely got to play with it last time.  It may not be the almighty nuke that Forseti or Balmung are, but +10 each to Strength, Skill, and Defense is nothing to sneeze at.  Our two combatants can now head into nearby castles to face the Arena. I suspect… there will be slight differences in performance.

Altena: Seven wins, gained two levels: +3 HP, +2 Strength, +1 Speed, +2 Defense

Hannibal: Six wins, gained one level: +1 Strength

One of these two had a better performance. Though, in fairness, Hannibal getting creamed did let Lana gain a level from healing him.

Much better!  Okay end turn.

Legion of Doom: I suppose it was unavoidable… Fortify our defensive line. Until reinforcements arrive, we must defend the castle at all costs.

Brock from Pokemon: Heh, no matter. The rebels’ little rampage ends here. Ready, men? We’re going in. The Emperor himself’s put a handsome bounty on each rebel head. We mustn’t waste a chance to claim it for ourselves!

So there’s our next issue. The invading Grannvale squad to the north is fairly nasty. Entirely composed of promoted cavalry units and packing two healers with them; they’re hard to wear down in a single turn, and if they all get a shot at the same unit they can definitely take out all but our strongest kids.  So, you know, don’t let that happen.  To the south, at Grutia castle, is almost the opposite; a veritable swarm of ballistae, so Fee and Altena can’t even really get close, and a Dark Bishop with a siege tome. Once we get close to them they’ll break like cheap glass, but getting there can be risky, to say the least.  We’re going to split up; it’s a bit tricky, but in general the ballistae are not a huge issue compared to the bishop miniboss, so anyone who goes for the southern castle mostly has to have enough resistance to take a shot from him, or enough speed and luck to reliably dodge him. I go with Seliph, Leif, Nanna, Ares, Larcei, Shannan, Julia, Arthur, and Lana.  The rest of the army will be blocking off the pass to stop the incoming cavalry. Ideally, we’ll get a situation where we can split their attack across several people and then crush them on the return trip.  A few turns over movement, and we find ourselves…

Not even close! Everyone was too far away, and that first one snuck up on me real good.  I didn’t realize I’d put Lester at the edge of someone’s movement. I was so caught off guard I didn’t screenshot the combat (he dodged. Go archery!).  So our first step right now is to back the Hell up.

…

Well, okay, second step.

That’s for swinging at my squishy horse archer, jerkass. I draw back everyone to create a battle line that’s split in the middle by the castle; this should be drawing out a big chunk of the enemy without letting them focus fire on one character. End turn!

Not bad, other than the fact I forgot to equip Finn with his big-people spear and he got a little creamed. Cairpre, care to patch the team up?

Good kid. Rest of the team, rock out!

…. I really dislike that we couldn’t kill that fucking mid-boss. He hits like a truck and he’s annoyingly fast. I… don’t want to end the turn. I see it going badly. But… *sigh*… let’s see…

…. Yeah, I knew that was gonna happen. I knew it. Dammit. Reset.

Okay. This time, we are going to be brave and run away. Once more, kill the outer layer and flee. Go, my brave cowards!

And with this, the only character in the boss’s attack range is Arthur, who is parked in the castle and wielding Forseti. Yes, I am a vindictive person.  End turn!

… That’s it?!  You didn’t even take a shot, you fucker! Fine, fine, Arthur will come to you.  

Congratulations, Musar, you managed to land a single blow.  That is more than most of the foes he slaughters can achieve.  Arthur also gets the droppable Tornado tome from this boss, meaning he can sell the Elwind he’s been using for his sister to pick up later, or maybe it can go to Lana after I get a chance to promote her, haven’t decided yet. Cairpre even gains another level after healing Arthur’s boo-boos.

Good kid! Not very bright, but talented in his own way.  Now, hey, who wants to slaughter?

*sniff* Not bad at all. All that remains of this enemy force is one healer that Patty can chew on to her heart’s content. I have Lana warp Lester back to the home base to promote, and on the next turn she can do the same to Arthur.  This army is really coming together!  To the north, I’m going to let Cairpre have most of the villages; he’ll need money to repair his staves after spamming them to gain levels on this map. Lana will too, of course, but she…

Has a booooooooooooyfriend. Ulster is rolling in cash and he’ll only be getting more, since he barely needs to spend anything these days, relying on nice normal swords instead of legendary money sinks, so I’ll just have him give Lana all his wealth next turn.

Now, to the south, it’s… *sigh*… time to wade into the Ballista Storm, I suppose. This will be annoying, so I’m just gonna smash it as quickly and brutally as I can; Ares, Leif, and Seliph, go right for the boss and kill.  Everyone’s on a horse so they should only have to spend one turn being shot at before they reach and take out the boss. Eeeeeeeend turn!

And you know what, let’s just stop there? It’s like seven more shots of just that.  I hate ballistae so much.

Judah: This world is Lord Loptyr’s to smother in darkness!

I appreciate that I somehow managed to miss the cool-looking part of the Fenrir spell and got the weird hit-flash moment where the whole screen turns randomly blue. Now then, our turn, and let’s try to end this fast.

*whistle* Leif, I always forget just how much of a monster promotion turns you into.  Up to the north, meanwhile, we still have an army.  I know, I forgot them too.  

You do you, Patty. While Patty torments a priest… again… Lene takes this time to chat with her newly-recruited and long-lost brother that she doesn’t actually know.

Lene: Wait, you’re from Darna too?

Cairpre: You’re familiar with Darna, Lene?

Lene: Yep! I grew up in the abbey there. They told me my mom was a dancer, who left me there when I was about two years old. That’s why I’m a dancer now. I was thinking that maybe, if I did the same thing as her, one day I might find her again.  It’s kind of embarrassing, but I taught myself everything I know about dancing.

Cairpre: That’s really great of you, Lene! I, er, guess I thought wrong about you…

Lene: Not a big fan of dancers, Cairpre?

Cairpre: Not really…. At least, not unti I met you, Lene.

Lene: Awww! Thanks, Cairpre!

Cairpre gains +1 Luck from this, because…. Look, you need to stop asking questions. I also choose not to zap Arthur home after all; he doesn’t need his promotion, and I want him to shut up and marry Julia already, so I’m gluing them together for now. Maybe they’ll hook up, maybe they won’t, but either way I’ll demand they sex who they are told to sex. Instead, Lana just heals someone and levels…

And Lester takes his promotion.

Not a super impressive promotion, but… a promotion. The turn ends there, and the enemy phase is a desperately sad event, with ballistae firing and missing again and again. It saddens me. I’m sad.

Look at that! Even Oifey doesn’t respect them.  

In any event, Patty finishes bullying the clergy and Cairpre zaps her…

And we dismantle some siege equipment.

And that’s that! The current section of map is over, so I take a few turns to move folks around; Cairpre starts trekking north to get his fortune, while the rest of the army splits up, most of them heading south to hook up with Seliph and co., but Patty, Ulster, Lana, Shanan, Tinni, Faval, and Altena are staying in the north to reinforce our assorted castles.  Thracians are tricky and they can fly, so you can’t leave your castles unattended for a second on this stupid map. The first time I played I actually managed to lose all of them but Meath just through sheer force of stupid.

And it is on this exciting note that I leave you for the week, gentle readers. Seliph, will you play us out?

(You may remember the previous update wherein Arion just suddenly turned into a rampaging douche. That state of events has stuck.)

Lewyn: I suppose that stubborn dracoknight pride compels him to fight to the bitter end.  I was hoping the legendary Arion of Thracia would be a wiser man than this… Seliph, I hope you understand we can’t turn back now. This last battle needs to be fought.

(Well, yeah, dude, his family has been trying to kill us for two weeks while we politely ask them to go away.)

Seliph: I don’t understand him. Why would Arion insist on fighting such a futile battle… how can he be so callous? Does he not understand the grief he’s inflicting on Altena?

… And hey, for once, Lewyn doesn’t spout some pseudo-philosophy at us! This really is a bright note to leave an update on. See y’all next week!

Total Resets: 27. I knew that boss was a bastard and I still let myself get caught off guard. For shame, me.

Part 24

[msilet]

Co-op Mission (2/2)

Ship: Merlahad (Harry Hart/Merlin), side ship 00Q (James Bond/Q)

Summary: James Bond is sent over to Kingsman to assist Harry Hart on a mission. James is impressed (and jealous) of all the tech Harry has. Harry is not happy about how much attention James is paying Merlin.

Rating: M

AO3 link in case you want to read there: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14502606/chapters/33503520

Chapter 2 summary: Some agent-to-agent bonding (heh) time, some action, some 00Q (because they don't leave me alone), some Merlahad trying to save James from himself and finally, some Merlahad porn.

Story under the cut:

The next morning sees Harry and James standing in front of Merlin, ready for action. After talking to Merlin last night, Harry makes a point of letting go of his prejudice for James, starting with referring to him as "James" in his head. Merlin goes through a last-minute briefing with them to make sure everything goes smoothly. He hands James a classy leather bag, "Here's your rifle. You will have to reassemble it when needed, but seeing there's no other way to walk around Piccadilly Circus while openly carrying a weapon, you'll have to make do. Won't take long, as I showed you." James grins, excited to get this toys. "Did you familiarise yourself with all the other gears as I instructed you to?" James nods and Merlin continues, "Very good, I expect them back in good conditions, if any of them, other than the lighter, is lost or broken, I'm sending MI6 a bill. Clear?"

"I'll try," James tries to look overly innocent, Merlin just raises an eyebrow skeptically.

Merlin turns over to Harry and hands him a Rainmaker. "The target-lock-on speed and sensitivity have been improved, you can fire more accurately and much faster, even without looking in certain cases."

"Thank you," Harry means what he says. He knows that Merlin spoils him rotten by always giving him what he wants and is grateful for it. He notices, as he accepts the weapon, that Merlin has put the wedding ring back on. Merlin tends to take his ring off when he's working with hardware, especially when soldering or installing electrical components. He said he wouldn't want to have a few fingers cut off if he accidentally touches the ring somewhere he shouldn't, which is fair for Harry. Harry doesn't have a lot of chances to wear his either, especially when out on the field, so he doesn't feel like pestering Merlin with such a trivial thing. It's all just symbolism for them anyway, they were together for almost twenty years before getting the rings and no one could say they loved each other any less. He feels like Merlin took the effort to put it on today after what happened last night and he is suddenly hit with a wave of affection for his husband. Now is not the time to cosy up, however. The mission comes first.

Merlin informs them that they will be heading out to the warehouse first and they should probably find a way to avoid anyone seeing them, preferably finding somewhere higher up to hide. The most important task is to find out how many people they have in total, what exactly will be the hazard, if it's a bomb or something else, and how do they plan to execute it. They will decide on the flight whether they should busting the operation and taking down its members immediately. Should Merlin see any sign of the suspects moving to the other location instead, he will inform the two agents to switch course immediately.

An hour and a half later - after the train ride back to the shop, infiltrating the location and planting bugs as well as micro-cameras - they are perched on the rooftop of the warehouse, waiting for the criminals to arrive at the scene. This organisation comes off as a bunch of complete amateurs based on the fact that they don't even have anyone guarding their meeting place in advance. Half an hour until rendezvous time and both agents are bored out of their minds.

"So, Merlin is your quartermaster, and your husband," James casually states while assembling his rifle, constructing the sentence as a statement instead of a question although Harry can feel that James wants a confirmation.

"Affirmative to both, how do you know?"

"I know him. Even when we were kids, he always called me out when I was a petulant little shit, yet he lets you get away with a lot. It surely isn't because you are his boss because both of us aren't the yes-men type. He dotes on you, worries about you. He gave me extensive instruction of where to stand, what to do on the field with you. Then, this morning, he wore his wedding ring, which he didn't yesterday. Doubtless, you must have paid him a visit."

Damn, read like a book, Harry isn't even bothered, just impressed. "Excellent deducting skill. The rumours about MI6's 007 aren't wrong."

"And you thought I was trying to steal away with him to MI6?"

Harry hesitates, it's a bit embarrassing to acknowledge the fact that he was a little jealous. Weighing the options in his head, it feels like the truth is the best choice, as he doesn't think the infamous James Bond, who figured everything else out on his own, is dumb enough to be fooled. He nods.

James snorts, "Don't worry, I have my own."

Harry raises an eyebrow, "A quartermaster, or a husband?"

"Quartermaster. Although," James smiles like he's reminded of some inside joke, "if I bring back all my equipment in peak condition for the next fifty years and avoid pissing him off any further in the meantime, I might be able to mollify him enough for him to marry me."

Harry pretends to be sympathetic, "That bad?"

James thinks for a second then changes the subject, "Did I tell you what a lucky bastard you are? If I were around, I would have given you hell. Merlin is too good for most people."

Harry chuckles, "Glad I didn't have to deal with any disapproving brother, then. And yes, I know full well how lucky I am."

"How did you two go from a professional relationship to, a," James tilts his head, eyes squinted, "personal one?"

Harry looks at his watch, "Hmn, there's still time. Fine, I'll tell you. It started a long time ago," he recalls the old days, "I was headhunted right out of the army, where I did excellently so, of course, I was full of myself. My arrogance became even worse after I was named Galahad. You know, with Galahad being the greatest knight in the Arthurian legends and all."

James nods, pretending to be patient so Harry can get to the good part, where Merlin is concerned. Harry sees right through that and looks amused, "Imagine my dismay when I learned that my handler was a twerp three years younger than I was that also just joined the organisation. It felt like the two expendable fledgelings were lumped together so if they fuck up and die, nothing of value would be lost. I took my frustration out on him because I was a jackass. I repeatedly disobeyed his instruction, going for the most flashy ways of doing things, hoping to impress older knights, not caring about the consequences. I was thinking that I wouldn't let his inexperience get in the way of me proving myself."

Harry grimaces, displeased with his younger self's bravado. "There was a supposedly simple mission. The get in, eavesdrop, steal the thing, get out type. I fucked up badly. I decided that I was good enough to take the whole group alone without prior info. Told Merlin to shut it or I'd destroy the com and went in blind. I got shot and captured like a fucking moron. Merlin put together and commanded a squad of knights to rescue me in record time, not that I knew it then. My pathetic arse was unconscious."

James is surprised by how frank Harry is being. It's rare enough that an agent admits to themselves that they were wrong, let alone being to talk about it with others so freely. It shows a deep level of maturity and security that not many have. Even he is not sure that he can be that candid. Harry still looks exasperated, running his hand through his hair.

"Woke up to see him sleeping in the chair next to my bed in medical. The nurses told me he was checking on me any time he could spare a minute, saying he didn't want me to be the first one lost on his watch. And then I had the gall to blame him for not arming me well enough."

Harry takes a breather, thinking about how to go over the past events at Kingsman without disclosing anything classified. Then, he continues, "Our technology then was nothing like what we have now. Our suits weren't really bulletproof, only more durable than the regular ones we sold to customers. There was no Rainmaker. My weapon was just a shotgun disguised as an umbrella. You literally had to pull the fabric off to reveal a gun. Kingsman was practically stuck in the Middle Ages before he came. He tried his darnedest to pull us forward while still spending most of his time handling agents. And there I was, being a thorn in his side. He took my insults to heart and locked himself away in his office. I started hearing other agents complaining about Merlin not handling their missions. It turned out that he was not only handling me. Many agents, including the senior ones, were working with him and put him down as their preference because he was excellent. That was the moment I realised that I  was the one holding him back."

James, thoroughly engrossed in the story, pushes for more as Harry pauses and checks the video feed for anything abnormal, "So, what happened next?"

Harry intentionally draws the pause out longer just to annoy James a little before he picks the story up where it was left off. "When he finally called me to his office to show off the first ever Rainmaker, I went down on my knees like a good agent and showed him just how much I appreciated him."

James stares at Harry with his mouth open for almost a full minute and Harry basks himself in the pleasure of knowing that he has just gotten Double-Oh fucking Seven to lose his ability to speak. James looks like an owl, waiting for the punchline but slowly realises that Harry is done with the story and he's not bullshitting.

Finally, he blinks. He breathes in, out, blinks again and then exclaims, "Oh my God!"

When Harry just cocks his head, shrugging without saying anything, James continues, "You are a fucking visionary," he waves a hand in front of his eye, "No pun intended."

"Thank you," Harry smirks.

"I bet you have been his favourite agent ever since."

"He married me, so I hope that's true," Harry jokes. After a few minutes of silence, he decides to speak up again, "It's not just that, you know. We have been through so much together. We saved the world countless times. We watched each other die," Harry closes his eye and grimaces at this. Gritting his teeth and opening his eye again with a determined look, he claims, vehemently, "After all that, nothing can separate us anymore."

James hums, understanding what Harry says and can somewhat feel how deep their feelings for each other go. On the one hand, he admires both Harry and Merlin for making it work despite having the kind of jobs that usually destroy any chance of having a stable relationship. On the other hand, he would be lying if he says he's not jealous. His Kingsman counterpart and his oldest friend finding a soulmate in each other in the most unlikely manner and here he is, still just living his life one mission at a time, sometimes wondering if there's anything out there worth fighting, surviving for.

He can't stay maudlin for long because they hear sounds from the entrance of the warehouse. Both agents are instantly alert and ready for action. They look through the screen showing surveillance feeds to see how many are coming.

"Merlin reminds us to stay still. We need intel," Harry whispers.

James nods and stares at the screens. They note down the number of people and anything they find essential. The audio and video will be stored on Kingsman server, of course, but human intuition is still the most trustworthy. They watch patiently as more people trickle in. They all wear standard cheap hoodies to cover their head and ugly baggy pants.

"Criminals these days, no style at all," James complains, Harry nods.

The leader comes forward and yells angrily about how Western society has become weak and insignificant and how the governments are spineless against foreign forces.

"Another day, another dumb-ass and with their extremist view trying to get attention.  I think I've heard this speech at least a dozen times in some variations," Harry sighs, "I don't get how blowing up a bunch of people on the street will make this country great, but here we are."

Both men continue watching calmly until one of the terrorists brings out a girl whose wrists are tied up behind her. "Shit, Merlin, are you seeing this?" Harry whispers into the com.

"Do we engage?" James asks.

Harry holds his hand up to signal James to wait and see what happens next. When it's clear that they don't plan to release her, threatening to hit her with an iron pipe instead, Harry says "Fuck it, let's go," and jumps down. James follows suit.

They land dramatically in the middle of the circle, startling the people around. James points his rifle at them and bark out orders for them to hold their hands above their heads and back off. Unluckily for them, a few terrorists have knives and machetes. Emboldened by their number and their weapons, some start charging at them, causing the rest to follow. "Great call, Arthur," James says sarcastically without turning to look at Harry.

"Give me a few minutes to release her and I will help you."

James starts fighting off the attacking force, choosing not to shoot them just yet. He kicks the knife off a man's hand while slamming the butt of the rifle at another man's face. The next few guys meet the same fate, getting knocked out quickly.

Just as he starts to feel confident that they can get the situation under control without much hassle, one of the terrorists pulls out his gun. A couple others see that and also draw theirs.

"Arthur, anytime this century would be nice!" He really doesn't want to kill them. Causing a mess in the middle of London isn't a smart move and MI6 doesn't want to have to cover it up, especially when the bastards at MI5 are going to complain about overstepping jurisdiction. M and Q repeatedly tried to drill this into his head; they'd be happy to know that he remembers this detail.

"Almost done!" Harry finally managed to pick the handcuff's lock. Now he only needs to cut the ropes tying the girl down to the chair. What he doesn't see is someone from his blind side pointing a gun at him. A loud bang goes off.

For a few seconds, Harry thinks he's fucked. Then the next thought that comes to his mind is that Merlin is going to be very pissed off, judging from his voice that is louder than the ringing in Harry's ears right now. And then he realises that he isn't dead, just pushed violently to the ground with the girl and her chair falling on top of him. Then he hears another body falling heavily next to him, letting out a pained grunt. It's James.

"007, are you alright?" Harry speaks loudly, both for James and to assure Merlin on the com that he's alive.

It takes James a moment to groan and reply. "Fuck, I got shot. Right shoulder. Not going to die but I won't be able to cover you very well."

"I'm almost done, just shoot them."

"Not opening fire at a crowd, Arthur."

"There's a magazine of rubber bullets in your bag, 007! Standard extension for all agents!"

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me before?"

"I thought Merlin told you!"

James curses up a blue streak while pulling out the rubber bullets magazine from his bag and change. He shoots at the terrorists' general direction with his left arm while Harry cuts through all the ropes holding the hostage down to the chair. When he's done, he pulls both her and James up. "Stay behind me!" Harry orders.

Harry opens up Rainmaker and uses it as a shield for James and the girl. He switches the firing mode to stun and shoots at as many in front of him as he can while James covers his sides. "Merlin, we need a cleanup team and evac," he speaks into the com.

When they get to the exit, Harry lets James and the hostage out first while engaging Rainmaker's automatic aiming system and shoot behind him without looking. He slams the door and signals James and the girl to have him push a big crate in front of it to temporarily lock the crazy bastards inside.

The Kingsman getaway car arrives promptly. James lets out a relieved laugh and shouts over his shoulder to the direction of Harry's com, "I fucking love Merlin." After all three of them are seated safely on the car, Harry sighs contentedly, "I fucking love you too, Merlin."

After James comes back from medical and Merlin is done interviewing the relevant parties, the three of them meet again in Harry's office. He sits down behind his desk, his hands clenched in front of him. He observes each agent slowly. Both of them gulp.

Merlin surprises them both by not calling out their recklessness, instead, he opens with "Mission accomplished, gentlemen. We know the location of the explosives and the list of people behind the plan. For someone speaking so tough, those terrorists coughed up information quickly."

"Well, that's good!" Harry acts cheerful, "Isn't it, James?"

James nods and smiles nervously. Merlin is secretly amused, but he knows he can't show it just yet. He leans back in his chair and smirks, "Arthur, do inform me the cause of your unease."

Arthur, this isn't good. Harry sighs, "I disobeyed instruction. We were only supposed to be observing. I jumped in, dragging James with me, causing him to get shot."

"And putting yourself in unnecessary danger," Merlin adds.

"And putting myself in unnecessary danger."

Merlin sighs dramatically. "Are you aware Galahad, Lancelot and Percival would never ignore mission direction like this?"

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Good, make sure it won't happen again, or I'm suspending you from field duty."

When it's clear that the matter is settled, James asks, incredulous, "That's it? That's all you say?"

Merlin shrugs, "What else do you expect me to say?"

"I expected a chewing out!"

"James, Harry is an experienced agent and the head of Kingsman. He knows exactly what the consequences of his actions are."

"Oh my God, you spoil him rotten!" James throws his hands up. "I wish people were that nice to me."

Merlin chuckles, "Speaking of nice, Q is on the way here to pick you up. He's on the underground tube right now."

"How does he get here?" James asks.

"Michael, one of our men at the front, is leading him here."

James mutters something under his breath that sounds like I'm not a child needs picking up but Harry rubs his hands together cheerfully and says, "I can't wait to meet the infamous Q face to face!"

A series of knocks on the door informs them of Q's arrival. Merlin calls for him to come in. Michael opens the door, bows to Q and then retreats back to the underground train, waiting.

Despite his earlier words, James looks remarkably happy when he spots his own quartermaster. "Q! Here you are!" He goes to the younger man and pulls him deeper into the room. "Let me introduce the guys to you. Here," he gestures toward Harry, "Is Harry, or Arthur on the field. He's the head of Kingsman."

Q extends his hand to shake Harry's, "Arthur, a pleasure to meet you face to face."

"Harry, please. As long as we are not on a mission, I don't mind." Harry smiles at Q. Dark hair, slight frame, thick glasses. He looks just like Merlin back in the day, with longer hair. God, he even wears clothes somewhat similar to Merlin's. Harry wonders if he also likes tea. Do they make quartermasters at the same factory?

James doesn't let Q linger long on Harry, however, excited to introduce him to Merlin. "This is Eachann, but call him Merlin, he prefers it. Merlin is Kingsman's quartermaster, like you."

Q sighs, slightly embarrassed, "I know, Bond. I've talked to him."

Before he can come shake Merlin's hand, James continues. "Merlin and I have been the closest of friends since we were kids. He's amazing! If I knew he was with Kingsman, I probably would have followed him."

A flash of something like annoyance or, dare Harry assume, jealousy, appears on Q's face before he schools his expression back to neutral. Harry realises, for someone so famous for his seduction skill, James can be as dense as a rock. He just went and put his foot in his mouth.

Before James can make the situation any worse by showing off Kingsman's tech to Q, Merlin cuts in. "James, stop joking. We know how loyal you are to MI6." He reaches over to shake Q's hand, appearing as friendly as he can. "Q, I'm glad to finally meet you in person. James said a lot of great things about you."

"Did he now?" Q glances over to an oblivious and still smiling James.

"Of course, Q. You are a genius!" Just as Harry and Merlin relax a little, James continues, "But Merlin spoils Harry so much. He made Harry an amazing gun and shield combo called Rainmaker, Harry even has an exploding lighter! You never gave me an exploding pen."

Harry and Merlin both sigh inwardly and glance at each other. They communicate silently that they should just watch how this unfolds.

"007, do you even know how many weapons I have made or modified for you and then you destroyed them right after? Do you even remember all the tech you've wrecked? You left a three million pounds Aston Martin prototype at the bottom of a canal, for God's sake!"

"Oh my God, three million pounds." Harry and Merlin whisper to each other. "He almost got us fooled."

"And you never listened to me! Look at you, getting injured again." Q pokes at James' shoulder, making him hiss. "You were supposed to get fit for field work, not more injured."

Harry raises his hand, wanting to intervene, but James already beats him to the punch. "They were going to shoot Harry in the head!" He says hotly, "I wouldn't let any of them kill Merlin's husband."

Q is momentarily shocked, then he deflates. Merlin reaches out and put his left hand on Q's shoulder, meaning for Q to see his ring. "I can confirm, this wasn't James' fault. He saved Harry's life. If anything, we owe him a great deal."

Q looks up first to look at Merlin, then at James, who's looking both like a petulant child and a scolded puppy, which is quite a feat, considering who he is. Q's eyes soften, all the anger dissipated. "In that case, I'm sorry for blaming you, Bond." James nods. "Sorry for doing this in front of you guys," Q smiles awkwardly, finally realises what a scene he was causing before.

Harry tells him it's no matter. Merlin smiles and says he can sympathise with Q perfectly, having to run a kindergarten for spies as well. Harry and James protest but he shoots both of them down.

Wanting to steer the topic back on track, Merlin indicates for them all to take a seat. Merlin sits next to Harry on the couch while James and Q each occupies an armchair.

"Q, despite some minor hiccups that stemmed from our side, I would say this mission was a success," Merlin says, then turns to Harry. "Do you think so too?"

Harry catches on to what Merlin is doing immediately, "I agree. And James played a big part in that outcome," Harry nods at James. "Thank you for pushing me out of danger."

James shrugs, "It was the right thing to do."

"And thanks to you and this mission, I think Kingsman is ready to form a stronger working relationship with MI6. We are willing to run more co-op missions with you as well as exchanging a certain amount of intelligence," Merlin announces and Harry nods.

Q is taken aback. When he and M started contacting Kingsman, they didn't expect much. Being able to confirm that they are not a secretly evil organisation planning to take over the world was already considered a success for them.

"Another thing," Merlin smiles, "If MI6 wants to order bulletproof suits like what our agents wear for the Double-Oh program, we are willing to do business."

"Are you serious?" Both James and Q ask at the same time.

"There will be certain conditions, of course. You are not supposed to abuse our suits to harm weak, innocent people, for example. We will be keeping tab."

"Fair enough, I will relay the message to M." Q nods, still in disbelief.

"Tell him that the cost for James' suits will be on the house, he did save our Arthur, after all."

"Merlin, you are the best person in the world!" James declares dramatically.

"I remember distinctly how you called me the worst person in the world back in the day," Merlin grins.

"You told me you laced my food with laxatives! I didn't dare to go anywhere for two days straight!"

James' scandalised expression and tone make Q start giggling. Harry tries to act calm for a few seconds but ends up chuckling anyway. He can imagine a young, pissed off Merlin pulling that move.

James shakes his head. "I'm glad you people find it amusing."

"That's it, the next time you ruin my tech, I'm going to put actual laxatives in your food," Q declares.

"Merlin! Do you see," James turns to Merlin and gestures at Q, "This is workplace bullying!"

Merlin just smirks at James and goes to Harry's desk, retrieving James' suitcase and his tray of tech. Instead of letting James have them back, he hands them to Q instead. "Here, I guess these are yours."

"All in perfect condition," James cuts in, smiling. "The gun too," He pats the Walther PPK at his side.

Q rolls his eyes but not saying anything to James, choosing to thank Merlin instead. "Much appreciated, Merlin. As much as I love hearing the stories, we have to get back to MI6 as soon as possible. We should do this again sometimes."

Both Merlin and Harry nod and stand up to see James and Q off. "Michael will bring you back to the shop."

They exchange pleasantries, James hugs Merlin and makes him promise they'll meet again and then goes outside with Harry.

Q is about to walk out as well but Merlin places a hand on his elbow to keep him back. Q looks up quizzically.

"Q, I apologise if we, I mean, if I troubled you with my handling of James. I love him like a brother and after not seeing him for so long, I might have tried to impress him with too many toys. I didn't mean to undermine your authority."

Q looks taken aback for a second, then smiles sincerely. "Thank you, I'm not awfully bothered but I appreciate the sentiment."

"James may come off as a dick sometimes, but he's a good man. He's been like that since we were kids. Please don't take his aloofness to heart."

Q nods, bids Merlin goodbye and follows the other two out the door.

When Harry comes back to his office, Merlin is still there, sitting on the couch. He smiles and sits down next to Merlin.

"Interesting two days, don't you say?"

Merlin nods, chuckling to himself.

"Share your amusing thought with the class, maybe?"

"Those two. If James doesn't bollock it up, I don't think it'd take another fifty years."

"I'd give them ten."

"Ten? That's generous of you. I'd say five."

"Let's bet on it then."

"I'm game," Merlin grins, "Just hope James won't get fired for sexual harassment after some hare-brained schemes to follow your footsteps."

Harry laughs out loud. He doesn't think James would do something that stupid but that's an amusing mental image.

"Worked for us, didn't it?"

"Not everyone is us. It was also awfully convenient for you that I had a massive crush on my most annoying agent."

Harry fake awws and Merlin rolls his eyes.

"Maybe it's just my brilliant plan to recruit him for Kingsman," Harry suggests.

"Oh please, I've had enough headaches and heart-attacks with you and Eggsy. I'm overworked and under-appreciated as is, thank you very much."

Harry shifts closer to Merlin and nuzzles his jaw. "Quartermaster, I appreciate the hell out of you."

Merlin tills his head, giving Harry more access, "Oh, really?"

Harry hums, opting to use his mouth on more exciting activities, such as kissing and nipping Merlin's neck. His hands wander to more interesting places than his own laps as well, such as Merlin's lower back and his abdomen. Both hands manage to sneak under the layers of Merlin's clothes so Harry can feel his husband's skin directly. He makes a happy sound when he hears Merlin sighs contentedly.

After being satisfied with the state of Merlin's neck, Harry moves back up to pull him in for a proper kiss. It's been days since he was able to get more than a quick peck from the other man and he has to make up for lost time. Merlin returns the kiss with fervour, missing Harry just as much. After a while, Harry pulls back and Merlin growls slightly, trying to chase after him.

"Shh..." Harry smiles fondly, "Let me show you my appreciation, alright?"

Merlin nods, knowing where exactly this will go. They have been here before, more than once. Harry rubs his cheek against Merlin and gives him another quick kiss before getting off the couch to kneel in front of him. He starts rubbing up and down Merlin's thighs - what's left of them - slowly, eye focusing on his husband's endearing face. Merlin arches a challenging eyebrow and Harry grins in reply. He starts nuzzling the still covered thighs with his nose, getting closer and closer to where they both know the real destination will be. Merlin moves both his hand onto Harry's head, playing with his ears and oh-so-precious hair and Harry hums in satisfaction.

When Merlin wants to speed things up by removing his hands from Harry's head to open his trousers button, Harry grunts, takes hold of both wandering hands and put them back on his head, where he likes them. Finally having mercy on Merlin, Harry reaches up and undo the button himself, but then he pulls the zipper down really, really slowly.

"Oh for God's sake, Harry-" Merlin cuts himself off with a groan when Harry pulls the rest of the fly down quickly and starts rubbing the boxer-covered budge inside the way he knows Merlin likes it.

"What were you saying?"

"Shut up and continue doing that."

"Yes, Quartermaster. Always telling me what to do." Harry pulls down both the trousers and the boxer, Merlin lifts his hip up to help him. Keeping eye-contact, Harry wets his lips and grins when he sees Merlin visibly gulping. He loves how after so many years together, their desire for each other still burns as bright as it used to back then. Not wasting any more time teasing, Harry sets himself to work. His experience and enthusiasm quickly drives Merlin to the edge, the other writhing under him and gripping his hair. When he feels the tugging becoming more insistent, he knows that Merlin is close. He hums and nods slightly, as much as having a cock down one's throat would allow. Soon enough, Merlin is coming and Harry greedily swallows it all down. He daintily wipes his mouth with his pocket-handkerchief, put it back and look up cheekily at Merlin.

Merlin pulls his husband right back up and plunders his mouth, not caring about the taste of himself. He's used to it, after all. His hands sneak over to Harry's refined behind and pull him on top of him without breaking the kiss. Then, one hand moves back up to Harry's hair to mess it up some more while the other moves to the tented front of his trousers to open it. Harry pulls back.

"Not right now, darling."

"Hmn?"

Harry leans closer to Merlin's ear and whisper, "This was me showing my appreciation for my handler," Merlin can feel Harry smiling at his own pun. "Come home with me now and I will show you how much I appreciate my husband." He nips at Merlin's earlobe for good measure.

"That sounds like an offer I can't refuse. Let me check-"

"Everyone is done with their missions and they won't be back until tomorrow, love. Everything else can wait. You are overworked. Let's go, I'll make it worth your while. I'll even cook your favourite for dinner." Harry whispers and kisses the top of Merlin's nose.

"Very well, the world can wait a day," Merlin smiles. Harry kisses him again before standing up.

 Epilogue:

Merlin has no idea why all his agents start bringing him presents from their missions. Galahad brings him all kinds of new tech prototypes the "kids these days" will be using. Lancelot is making his tea collection growing out of control. Tequila brings him all kinds of exotic alcohol from all over the world. Even Percival gifts Merlin vinyl copies of his favourite music. Although, Harry is still his favourite agent.

Two years later, James finally asks Q to marry him. To his and nobody else's surprise, Q says yes. James has no idea why Merlin looks smug as fuck at the wedding. Sometimes, having spies as friends is exhausting but he loves them anyway.

Author’s note:

Harry. It was Harry who told everyone to bring Merlin gifts.

James totally pocketed the exploding lighter, but don't tell anyone that. It's a secret between us and him!

Also this was my first time writing porn, if there's something wrong please don't be too harsh :P

[breadinmypocket]

My grandfather lied to my grandmother. I guess it runs in the family.

I don't blame him, really; you know what they say about grandfathers and paradoxes. In fairness, I don't think she would have believed him about when the time traveling secret agents finally caught up with him as an engineering student decades before they were supposed to have assassinated him. Somehow he convinced them not to carry out the assassination, though the next time he went back to the family farm he had some very pointed questions to ask his dad.

At least in this timeline, he has a grandson, and I don't think the world ends horribly. Never mind that I have to figure out a way to kidnap my infant grandfather, or figure out how I already have, depending on your perspective. However cute he is right now, he can't be allowed to grow up to be the man who plunges the world into nuclear winter and post apocalyptic chaos that is very short on heroically brooding love interests. And no matter how bad that future is, I draw the line at assassinating babies. Besides, there's that thing about grandfathers and paradoxes.

Trouble is, the Minister's son is well guarded. If I were going to kill him, I could find a way around his mother's security, particularly as the Bureau isn't expecting me to survive this mission. Instead, I have to take him alive, and God help us both, I have to raise him. In secret. While hiding from the Panhistorical Monitoring and Prevention Bureau. Normally I'd say that's impossible, but in a sense I've already done it.

Nevertheless, my throat goes dry and my ears buzz as I walk my new golden retriever through the park. The nanny eyes me from a distance, and I wave and give her a wry smile as the puppy squats down and makes a deposit on the walking path. Apparently this marks us as firmly outside the “suspicious” category, because as I fish a poo bag out of my jacket pocket she goes back to pushing the stroller around in the sunshine. I don't approach her, and I don't see any sign of other guards, not that the nanny couldn't kill me six different ways if I did anything out of line. Fortunately for me, the Minister wants her son to have a normal upbringing, and that means the nanny doesn't kill random strangers for walking their dogs.

As I'd expected, the puppy makes me look harmless, and my cover identity as a history professor at the local community college adds to the impression. The irony of masquerading as a history professor doesn't escape me, but I'm up to the part and this identity has to be airtight. I vary my schedule, as I can't afford any whiff of suspicion. If it even looks like I'm getting near the Minister's child on purpose, I won't have to worry about the Bureau finding me; I won't have to worry about anyone at all finding me.

By the time I see them again it's full summer, and Peaches is scarfing down the doggie sundae I bought her at the nearby ice cream shop. I pretend not to pay an attention to the baby or the nanny, but my grandfather squeals and makes grabby hands at the dog, who yaps and tugs on her leash. I frown for the nanny's benefit as I reprimand Peaches. “Sorry about that, ma'am, she's still learning her manners.” I mock-scowl at the dog, who wiggles unrepentantly.

“No harm done,” she replies with a smile that does not reach her eyes, and walks on.

The next time, I allow myself to show a flicker of recognition. She acknowledges my greeting with a nod, and I decide it's time to push my luck. “Nice day, isn't it?” It's a horrible day, with the kind of stuffy heat that makes one long for a good thunderstorm, but it's harder to make small talk if you say that sort of thing.

“It's a horrible day,” she says. “It's hot and stuffy and I'd kill a man for a good thunderstorm.” She looks at me like she's found a perfect candidate, and I clear my throat nervously.

“...Or we could be candid,” I reply with forced joviality. How did this conversation get away from me so fast? I cast about for a way to make an unobtrusive exit; I'll just have to try another approach. Some other day. “Hey, um...the ice cream parlor across the street is pretty good. Can I buy you a scoop?”

She raises an eyebrow, but accepts the offer, and I wonder what flavor of ice cream will obliterate the memory of the foot I've just stuck in my mouth.

At the ice cream counter, I order a doggie sundae for Peaches and a double scoop of rocky road for myself. I don't even like rocky road, but this is not the way my missions go and I'm trying not to admit to myself how badly I've blown it. She orders mint chocolate chip and bends down to adjust the straps of the baby's stroller and suddenly the fire alarms are blaring and the sprinklers are all going off and Peaches is sitting outside the ice cream parlor and howling piteously. The woman stands up, clutching my grandfather in her arms, and hisses at me, “How did you muck up the code so badly? Forget about it; we've got ninety seconds to get out of here.”

She ducks out a side door into the alleyway, and I lose precious seconds to hesitation. I can hear Peaches through the door, and I know I don't have time to waste, but I dash out and grab her, fumbling the leash loose and picking her up before splashing back through the ice cream parlor to follow the woman who shouldn't know who I am. I slip on the wet floor and slide ignominiously to the alley door, which has swung closed again. Peaches is heavy and soaking and very unhappy, and it's all I can do to shove my way through into the alley, where I can hear yet more alarms. I feel a pang of envy; the Bureau didn't give me anything that could set off every fire alarm on a city block.

My new partner and/or nemesis has conjured a taxi out of, as far as I can tell, thin air. She rolls her eyes at the dog and pointedly glances at the driver, who is folding a baby seat out in the back of his cab. I probably didn't need to be told not to talk in front of the driver, but since I've thoroughly trashed at least one person's mission today, I can't really complain. We don't have far to go, and the envy strikes again. The Bureau hasn't set me up with any safe houses in the capitol.

It's not much more than a room, but no alarms are blaring and it's dry. Either nobody knows where we are, or I'm about to find out what sort of oubliettes the Minister has at her disposal. Either way, I'm at this stranger's mercy.

“I know who sent you and why you're here,” she says, and I know an instant before it appears that she's going for a gun.

“I can't let you kill him,” I shout, at the same moment she says: “And I'm not letting you kill him.”

She frowns, and I sigh relief. The gun never wavers.

“Clearly we've got our wires crossed,” I observe, trying to sound like a suave secret agent. Her grimace is all the critique my performance deserves.

“Obviously! It was supposed to be peach ice cream and Rocky the dog!”

It takes me a few seconds to work through the implications. “What kind of absurd cloak-and-dagger...wait, you aren't with the Bureau!”

“You're with the Bureau of Blunders?”

I draw myself up to my full height, which isn't impressive. “I'm with the Panhistorical Monitoring and Prevention Bureau, and you are interfering in an operation of utmost importance.

She snorts aloud, but lowers the gun and gestures me toward a chair. She takes the settee, but in fairness, Grandpa must have been getting heavy. Traitorously, Peaches approaches her and tries to lick her hand.

“Of course you're from the damn Bureau. How else does a timeline go this badly wrong?”

“Hey, back up a minute. I'm here to fix this timeline. And who the hell are you?”

“The cleanup squad,” she snaps. “We're in a dozen timelines trying to fix what you people broke, and when you kill him it derails everything.”

“Okay one, I'm not going to kill him, and neither are you. Two, derails what? What happens in your timeline?”

“It takes a few decades, but eventually? Civil war, then external war. A few cities get nuked--”

“In the original timeline, it's more than a few cities.”

“Shut up. A few cities get nuked before somebody decides they'd rather break out the biologicals. Most of them just kill people; most of them aren't all that contagious. Those aren't so bad. But some of them spread, and they are unstoppable. I saw one of those timelines. It can’t happen.”

"Fair enough, but we're at an impasse, because I have to take him with me, and the Minister isn't going to like her son disappearing without a trace either.”

“You absolute fool, you thought I was going to kill him? Didn't any of you think to kill her?”

“We...actually didn't. How do you even make that happen? She's untouchable!”

“To some highly secretive time traveling agencies, I'm sure she is. Others of us know how to do our jobs. And a lot of things are possible if you're willing to sacrifice an agent or two.” She meets my eyes, and I'm the first one to look away.

“How can I help?”

“You're intending to keep him safe?”

“Yes.”

“Then here's how you help: don't mess it up. You're going someplace where nobody will find you, you're going to take care of him, and you're not going to mess it up because if you do I will figure out a way to reach you. Is that clear?” I nod and reach for the baby. She doesn't let me take him. “Your wallet. You can't have anything that would link you to this time.”

She shouldn't have had to tell me that, and I silently curse myself as I empty my pockets. Tucked into my wallet behind my inoffensive ID cards and bus pass is the only photo I have of my grandparents, a print from their wedding day. I slip it into a pocket. I'm not leaving that one behind. She raises an eyebrow, but hands me the baby and pulls out a small handheld device. I'm jealous again; the Bureau's time travel consoles take up entire rooms, but there's no mistaking what this is. Automatically, I reach for Peaches' collar and pull her nearer as the woman initiates her time disruption field.

I fight my way to consciousness, aided in battle by Peaches, who is licking my face and whining, and the baby, who is attempting to dig my eyeball out of its socket but at least hasn't crawled away. Can babies crawl? I don't know the first thing about babies. I don't know when we are, but I can make an educated guess. We've fetched up in a field, orderly rows of hip-high bushes with bright green leaves. I don't know the first thing about agriculture, either, but I think it might be corn. Perhaps I can start a new life as a farmer.

I try not to think about what will happen to the agent who sent me here. I'm unsuccessful. I hope her mission goes better now that I'm out of the way, but she's not going to escape. She knew what she was signing up for, I tell myself. I'm not convinced.

Since I'm already brooding, I fish my grandparents' wedding photo out of my pocket. To my relief, it's still in good shape. And a slow smile crosses my face as I realize that, whatever else happened, the agent must have made it out.

My grandmother lied to my grandfather; I guess it runs in the family. I can't really blame her.

[tiozambia]

Op-Ed: Spax' arrest, let’s not be judgmental

By Innocent Liambai I will comment on the Spax, Kitwe Mayor Christopher Kang'ombe and former Kitwe District Commissioner Binwell Mpundu issues. Spax has been warned and cautioned for murder at the time when there's reckless gassing of people in the country and yes the home town of Spax Chingola being the epicenter of the gassing. The natuba lamfye squads of some opposition political parties are having a field day on various forums and some highly compromised social media gorilla outlets mudslinging some senior and high ranking PF officials including the Republican President. With some insinuating that Spax is the master mind or kingpin of the gassing we are experiencing in the country, at the behest of some PF high ranking officials. This is tantamount to putting the cart before the horse. If this is the case, how can the ruling party detain, warn and caution its own operative with a capital offense how ironical. I urge all well-meaning Zambians to stop being judgmental to a fellow citizen, let the law take its course. In fact the PF government should be commended for taking such a bold step despite Spax being a staunch member and supporter of them. The PF government has demonstrated that there are no sacred cows before the law. Spax is a Zambian citizen who should not be judged by some politically inclined public kangaroo courts. If tomorrow comes and yes Spax comes out unscathed and clean and decides to join any of these opposition parties which are vilifying him, together with their surrogates today. They will forget the past and embrace him with both hands and obviously reward him with a position within their ranks. I have seen this happen before the desperation for plot one is now alarming in some of the opposition political parties, we have in this country. Anything is possible even if it means dinning with the devil himself as the only option they have to get to plot one, these desperate opposition political parties will do it. I have seen on this platform of how some people are being labeled of being on the payroll or pocket of Spax, when seen as siding with Spax, amid these allegations. I want to put it on record that I am not on Spax's payroll. Spax is a person I could not put a face to until when someone told me on this forum, that it was him firing a very powerful machine gun which nearly sent him down, during recoil whilst on rapid fire, in the video posted on this forum. This was disclosed to me, when I asked who it was who was firing that powerful military grade machine gun. Coming the mayor of Kitwe Christopher Kang'ombe and Mr Binwell Mpundu former DC of Kitwe. All political parties worth their salt world over have had drama be it in opposition or ruling, especially towards elections or succession times triggered by unforeseen circumstances like death of a leader. I will start with the rise and fall of UNIP and MMD. At the time of Independence the founding father Kenneth Kaunda and his colleagues in UNIP had to make a lot of political maneuvers in order to attain the Independence of Zambia. These maneuvers included the signing of the 1964 Barotse Agreement, which was later abrogated and getting into a coalition with the ANC of the veteran politician Harry Mwaanga Nkhumbula. After he snubbed the white dominated party which bribed and offered him a lofty position which could have ended up of him being the Prime Minister in the independent state of Zambia. Whilst the imperialists could have been the defector governors of Zambia with a lame duck indigenous Zambian at the helm. Whether these political maneuvers were done in good or bad faith, that's a topic for another day. But in due course KK and his minions imposed a one party dictatorship. In the process one great son of the soil Simon Mwansa Kapwepwe suffered a great deal at the hands of the leadership of his childhood friend KK, at one point Kapwepwe's party won the Mufulira parliamentary seat whilst he was detained together with his colleagues. The origins of the standoff between these two great sons of the soil i.e. KK and Kapwepwe still remains a mystery. Though legend has many stories. Fast forward to 1978 UNIP was going for an elective convention and yes were boasting of their democracy within their ranks saying that all positions were out for grabs including the presidency. Meanwhile Kapwepwe had joined UNIP three years earlier, and a year later the old Harry Mwaanga Nkhumbula also joined UNIP. Kapwepwe announced that he was going to challenge KK at the elective UNIP convention, this announcement sent shivers within the ranks of the inner circles of UNIP's politburo. Days before the convention UNIP said that Kapwepwe needed at least one delegate to second his candidature. To the surprise of UNIP the old Harry Mwaanga Nkhumbula stood up as a delegate to do as prescribed. Now this move derailed the then dictator KK and his minions in the inner circle to impose KK as the sole presidential candidate. KK's minions lead by the senior lawyer Mainza Chona did the unthinkable i.e. changing the Constitution of UNIP overnight inserting a clause saying that one can only be eligible to stand for presidency after being a member of UNIP for a period not less than 5 years, that  was how Kapwepwe was stopped. That act was the genesis of UNIP's down fall the rest is history. MMD came with a bang most of its senior members if not all, had a bone to chew with the UNIP regime in one way or another. What kept them together in 1991 was the sole purpose of removing KK. The second elective MMD convention was in 1995. The then Republican President was challenged by his former Vice president Mwanawasa who earlier resigned from president FTJ's government for fear of being fired. His resignation was without drama. The then former Vice president Mwanawasa held on to government vehicles demanding compensation for injuries suffered in an accident whilst on official government duty. The then former Vice president handed over the vehicles when government mate his demands. Towards the 2001 elections there was drama in the MMD, we saw the third term bid of president FTJ fail, cabinet being dissolved for the first time in Zambia, a total of 22 senior members being barred at the 2000 MMD's elective convention they was drama at the convention itself were honorable Enoch Kavindele drove off after conceding defeat to the unwanted Paul Tembo by the powers that be for the position of Vice president , being called back to the convention to take victory which he won by a mysterious one vote after a recount. We also heard of the waking up the late President Mwanawasa at midnight by one distinguished diplomat VJ to come and contest the Republican presidential election on the then ruling MMD as a  cadre, which he won under very contentious circumstances. Which still boggles the minds of many unto today. The drama in MMD resurfaced in the run-up to the 2005 elective convention. President Mwanawasa had to cancel the election for the position of Vice president, when it became evident, that his preferred candidate honorable Lupando Mwape stood no chance at the convention especially from the threat coming from the then flamboyant and wealthy businessman captain Austin Chewe. This move was the genesis of MMD's downfall. Coming to the Mayor of Kitwe Christopher Kang'ombe. Him and the current Copperbelt PF chairperson his Worship the mayor of Luanshya Nathan Bwalya Chanda surprised, many including themselves when they emerged victorious, at the heavily contested Copperbelt PF provincial elections, by grabbing the two top positions against all odds. And both being young and coming from the youth wing this was unprecedented no political party in Zambia has achieved this in a democratic process. Kudos must be given to the PF. When you look at the trajectory of the rise of his Worship Christopher Kang'ombe in PF it has never been short of drama. I vividly remember two incidences his dramatic expulsion from the NDF and the episode with the first lady. In conclusion his Worship Christopher Kang'ombe and Mr Binwell Mpundu are victims of collateral damage which characterizes power politics towards elections. The UPND is no exception to this drama. They have had their moments of drama during the times I have mentioned i.e. before elections or succession times triggered by unforeseen circumstances. My advice is that some decisions can either make or break a political party. Extracts from TIO Politics WhatsApp forum. (The Independent Observer Political forum on WhatsApp). Read the full article