#well just woke up from my idk 4th nap today?????

[rosicheeks]

😴

[focusandrelaxforme]

Documenting My Subject's Hypno Slavery Journey (Part 8)

- After her subdrop, we took things easy for a bit before getting back into it. Add to that her incoming trip, and just general busyness, and finding time for proper sessions has been difficult.

- That said, my plan is to come up with a more structured approach that will effectively leave her with instructions and guidance even when I can't interact with her directly in the moment.

- Part of that is having her be more available to her husband, so that she gets the feeling of being used.

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Dear Diary,

I feel like I haven't wrote in so long...but in reality its only been a day.. Not a lot has happened since my last entry. I suffered from a bit of a rough sub drop and Master let me take the day to recover. He offered to give me a bit more freedom, but I declined. That makes me feel a bit empty. He was very easy on me...except my "rest" day still involved a 10 min killer ab workout haha. But don't tell him.. I really don't mind.. i crave the control. I need to be under his control...and I desperately need to obey. The last couple days Master has been busy with work and the holiday. And I'm sure he is very tired. So I have found myself alone a lot. Which really only makes me realize how much I crave the control. I really need to find myself a hobby to do when he is busy.. or something he can assign to me. Ill have to think about that. Is it weird that I've grown to miss someone that I've only known for a week? I don't want to be seen as a crazy person. I just got used to him being there I guess. Thankfully he has still been in and out to give me little instructions...which has helped keep.me in check. He instructed me to go deep to do this journal and omg am I going deep right now. Sooo deep. I haven't been this deep in a few days and woah. Spinny!

Anyway.. idk what I am even talking about at this point. Master has promised me that he would help me deal with my anxiety and insecurities. Its embarrassing to admit that I even have the. O want to come across as a sexy confident slave...but with him i melt. And no Master, not like the creepy Indiana jones gif you sent me.

On Sunday we spent all day being sarcastic and fun. I genuinely enjoy my conversations with him...and i hope he feels the same. He has a great sense of humor...and makes me laugh like an idiot at my phone a lot. On Monday I woke up feeling relaxed...and upon putting in my lush for the day, I started to go deep. Maybe it's my lush causing it now? Is that a trigger? Anyway.. i found myself filled with energy and feeling so sassy and confident. I almost feel like I cant mess anything up...like I couldn't make a mistake if I tried. Its weird.. like I felt perfect. It lasted for a few hours at work again like Saturday.. where I was able to be high functioning while also being a deep slave for Master. Something caused me to fall out if it though after a some time. I started to get anxiety and then I was back aware. I was sad to not be happy and deep anymore. Being deep feels so nice. I feel like a happy, calm person . And i feel like my whole body is on edge and just waiting for my Masters next message. I enjoy it.. i have never had these experiences before.

Master has changed my lush instructions a bit to be a little bit safer for my body...just in case. So now I only wear it in the morning until lunch and then sometimes for a little bit at nigh for my workout. Maybe because its a trigger who knows. Well...except him. He knows everything haha.

Today he was at a forth of July party so I was home a lot alone.. but he gave me instructions to be a good slave and show my husband how much freedom. He gets for the 4th. I was to practice my obedience by telling him how deeply enslaved I am and by offering him my mouth all day. He surprisingly only took advantage of it once...and oh my.. was I deep. Master instructed me to forget about it.. but I fully remember now. i laid down my baby for a nap and then went and crawled into bed with him. He snuggled up ne t to my butt..as he always does.. and I shyly whispered that I was enslaved... in hopes he wouldn't judge me.. and then asked if he would like a blow job. He said he was alright at first...because he was half asleep.. but then about 20 mins later he woke me for it. i don't even know what came over me.. I love sucking cock normally...but I reallllly loved it today. I found my pussy aching around my lush as I licked repeatedly up and down my husbands cock and balls. He was moaning and telling me how great it felt. And I kept teasing him with mg tongue and then I would take his cock in my mouth and press it deep... i would fuck my face slowly and then quickly until i gagged on his cock.. then I would go back to licking. This went on for probably 25 mins.. and I couldn't get enough. I just felt hungry . I wanted to be so obedient for my Master.. My husband reached over and pulled down my PJs at one point and found my lush pressed into my pussy. He was a little shocked i think...and rubbed my pussy a little. It felt nice...but no where near as nice as when I was slamming his cock into my mouth for my Master. I could have cum from just that.. but I didn't ask when Master gave me the instructions.. so I was good and just let myself get to the edge. My husband finally came after I started moaning a little and whining.. i couldn't really speak...because I was so deep and into the blowjob.. he stroked his cock for me while I licked his balls and he came on top his stomach. Then I just zoned out and laid on the bed for a few minutes until i was a real person again. Then I found myself happy and bubbly for a while until my anxiety and insecurities settled back in again. I then convinced my husband to take me to get food...and I cried in the car.. not because of Master...but because of my trip coming up. I'm so stressed. How does one accept that their Mother has died.. when you lived in another state and hadn't spoken to her in months.

I don't want to be depressing and I have already filled a whole notepad at this point. Woah.

Umm anyway. I freaking miss my Master.. and I hate it. Why do I miss him. Quit being cute. (But really don't please)

Haha. Anyway ..im watching your comments! Feel free to say hi Xoxo I wrote way too much..

sorry,

slave.

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[parkerflix]

skz as: kids i work with

a/n: i work at a daycare center and work in an infant room and it’s a lot of fun but today i was looking at my kids and was like 🤨🤨 imagine skz as you guys and then it’s been in my brain all day anyways will explain ofc!! *slightly changed some names so that way i don’t get @ by their parents if they ever find this HDGVSHSBSN

also!! this is just for funsies it’s not to be taken seriously and i’ve kinda done some picking and choosing of personality traits because they wouldn’t all fit each member! okay yeah

•••

BANG CHAN: AURORA

•okay so

•aurora is literally the oldest out of all my kids (she’s 16 months today!!)

• and she’s very sweet and probably the most calm and happy baby at her age i’ve met in a while

•but

•she can and will scream for no reason and then smile right after

•and that gives me chan vibes bc i so feel like he would do that for funsies

•also

•she’s very much a mothering soul she takes like soft dolls we have and pats their backs and rocks them to sleep

• granted she chucks them across the room after

• but she means well!!

•has a hard time during nap time tho and is a picky eater -.-

•but very much is the sweetest and even tho she can be annoying sometimes very much see chan in her yes yes

MINHO: EMMA

•emma!! she’s the newest addition (joined the class in december!)

•currently the 4th oldest (10 almost 11 months!!)

• okay so emma

•first of all she seems very scared of everything which isn’t rlly minho but her neutral face is very 😐 which i think fits minho pretty well

•also

•the moment you get her warmed up to you?

•THE MOST SMILEY BABY EVER

•she will eat a lot bc she’s growing

•also she’s very clingy to the people she’s closest to

•aka minho with his cats as he should.

• she also has a hard time with nap time 🙄‼️ these older mfs i swear

•anyways once she’s asleep she’s so cute

•cheeks!! and puffs them out too!!

•honestly she’s pretty quiet she makes sounds when she wants you to pay attention to her

CHANGBIN:JAYDEN

•BUE I LITERALLY SAW THIS AS SOON AS I BEGAN TO THINK ABOUT THIS

•ok so u know how people when they first see changbin are like “omg so scary!! he looks very angry omg nooo” but as soon as he opens his mouth they go ♡´･ᴗ･`♡

•basically thats jayden

•he is second youngest!! (7 months)

•he’s bald except for little bits of hair not related just wanted to mention he’s part of the bald twins

•when he first started he cried a lot and was very grumpy and i feel like for the longest time that’s how people viewed changbin

•SIKE THO as soon as jayden started crawling mf is the biggest smiler and so funny

•and if that isn’t changbin idk what is tbh

•jayden just started solid food and his reactions are PRICELESS.

•tried blackberry yesterday,, was not a fan

•paris pls ur getting off track

•anyways, he clocks out so easy and he’s pretty laid back

•very funny baby,, also can be loud when he wants but for the most time he’s pretty calm and just roams around the room

HYUNJIN: RILEY

•I ALSO SAW THIS ONE AS SOON AS I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS

•riley!! middle baby (9 months!!)

• she makes my heart go woosh! i adore her to pieces

•no i didn’t pick my favorite kid for my ult noooo

•JDGSSJSJHS the favoritism.

•anyways

•riley is super sweet!

• although she’s really sensitive too ):

•and everyone knows that hyunjin is sensitive pls be kind to my boyfriend): HDGSHS

• also??

•their laughs? so sweet and pure

•very dramatic too omg

•today riley didn’t wanna sit on the floor when i grabbed her out of her crib after she woke up from her nap and proceeded to scream and fake cry at me

•...she got what she wanted

•also sleeps horribly and won’t take her bottles...

•but makes up for it by being the biggest sweetheart and just is always smiling at people and is so infectious to be around love her

•even tho she sneezed in my face today

JISUNG: SHAUN

•SO

• shaun is also 9 months!!

• him and jisung have the cutest chubby cheeks ):

•also their smiles ? 10/10

• although did base this off of their personalities

•shaun is very overactive and is just like always talking and always around everyone

•very jisung like!!

•also another funny kid they make me laugh

•can make the other babies laugh too

•when frustrated will either verbalize it or you can just see his mood change

•probably the one i spend the least amount of time with bc he’s always moving around and he sleeps a lot

• has nothing to do with the fact that he spits up everywhere and i hate when he spits up on me

FELIX: EMILY

•em!!!

•she’s the youngest of the group (7 months today!!)

• she is probably the cuddliest of the group

•will let you hold her forever if you want

•is a very happy baby

• her smile?? unparalleled.

• is literal sunshine

•everyone in the center knows who em is!!

• also another of my favorites although i love all of them

• she is so relaxed and she does everything to 100%

•very stubborn and determined

•currently trying to stand up and will spend all day trying

•reminds me of felix and his determination

• goes down easily for a nap and wakes up smiling most of the time

•can also be sensitive

•most of the kids kinda underestimate her bc she’s small and bc she can’t walk yet but she holds her ground!!!

•very felix like in that sense

SEUNGMIN: KNOX

•BIGGEST PUPPY EVER!!

•turned 1 on uh... SATURDAY.

•very energetic when he’s not like exhausted

•also super talkative when he’s comfortable with you??

•very gucci flip flops kid

•although he screams constantly

•but we move on from that bc seungmin would to that just to be funny too...

•omg yk seungmin going “STA” when the balloon fell and how i died laughing okay anyways

•knox basically is that moment but embodied

•he’s funny and so sweet

•will cuddle you and give you the biggest laugh and smile every when he’s happy

•tbh knox’s laugh reminds me of like a gerber baby laugh or the sun from the teletubbies

•anyways i digress.

JEONGIN: ELIJAH

•so eli is 13 months!

•very much reminds me of jeongin bc they’re both young but old

•like jeongin is my age.... and he’s super successful.. and i’m writing this...

•anyways

• like he’s young?? but also old compared to the younger ones???

•eli is the baby of his family and it translates into the classroom too my coteachers tend to baby him

•and sometimes when he’s cranky he doesn’t mind

•like jeongin

•but is currently trying to move past that

•and kinda be seen as the toddler he is

•or adult in jeongin’s case!!

•smiles and laughs are so precious

•always best outfits of sweats and a cute sweater

•definitely when he’s older will give jeongin a run for his money on the #OOTD shshshs

• tbh when he’s super sleepy he gets kinda super sensitive

•once when he was in that mood i said one thing to him and he burst into tears and then passed out sleeping

• i told him broccoli.

•anyways he’s funny too

and this concludes skz as kids in my room/ i work with/ the ones i see the 40 hours a week i spend at work.

[goingbackthroughthelookingglass]

12:00PM - Dose Day

Well. I have to say I’m convinced.

Last night was hard. Not in all of the ways that make things obvious, but rather in the subtle ways that you don’t even know you’re doing/are habits until you’re suddenly without them.

So the microdosing schedule I am on consists of a dose day, an after effects day (the day after), and then a “normal” day, followed by another dose day (today actually). I just took 0.2g of mushrooms (via capsule). This is double what I took Sunday. But before we get into that (and while I wait for my stomach to digest the vegetarian capsules) let me tell you about my night last night.

So last night into today is my “normal” day. This is the day, typically, as you’re finding the right amount for your microdosing, that things should feel normal. The problem was, I wasn’t entirely certain if what I did take was really still affecting me. I woke up, got ready for work, and was productive until 1:30am (when I normally get off the road because of drunks and assholes driving and you just never really know who you’re picking up at that time). My night started out pretty normal; I did hit the snooze a bit, but I got out, deep cleaned my car, and got on the road. Most of the rides were good, and I was able to chit chat easily...but as the night wore on I just found myself...irritated.

Not the last ride before my break, but a few before that I picked up this couple. It was just a couple blocks from my house, and I’m sitting there waiting, and this guy, we’ll call him Jake because I honestly don’t remember his name, comes out and is just like “let me set my drink down.” No big, sure whatever. He walks to the other side of my car, there’s some kind of wait, and then he opens up the passenger door behind me, and is like “I’m just gonna say goodbye really quick” closes the door, and walks back around my car to this dark corner that he came from, that I can’t really see. At this point, I’m feeling irritated and that my time is getting wasted. He finally gets back over, sits behind me, and I put my car into drive to drive off. Suddenly, I get this pounding on the back right door, and this chick is like hitting my car so I stop, and she opens the door and is like “I’m going.”

OK. Whatever. The ride is just to Dirty (a sleezy dance club) that’s maybe 5 minutes away, get in so I can drop you guys off and forget you ever existed. Except I can’t. Because they were horrible. The first 2 minutes was them bickering over this guy named Jason, and who he was to her. (Drama) She then asks if she can smoke in my car, and I say no, so she’s like “Rude.” They then are fighting because she originally wasn’t going to come, but now she is, and he’s pissed for some reason (side-slice maybe??) and honestly they’re disrespectful AF and rude as all shit to each other.

She then makes fun of him for being 30. Fam. I literally thought I was picking up 19 year olds for the way these two fuckers were acting. Needless to say, I drop them off, and 1-star them so I don’t ever have to pick them up again.

NEXT RIDE: I pick up this couple from Scandals (a gay bar). We’ll call the guy Seth, he’s the one that ordered the ride. The two get in my car, and something just reads trans about the woman (tall, deeper voice, but gorgeous af, the guy was meh) so I’m just thinking “aww, cute queer couple.” She wants something to eat before going to Holiday Inn (where I just assume they’re staying). But like...there’s something off about Seth. IDK what it is. But my spider senses are tingling. There happens to be a Jack in the Box across the street from the hotel, but of course I have to go through the drive through because it’s that late. I NEVER do drive through rides. Fucking order UberEats. But I was feeling generous, and the woman and I were chatty so sure, whatever. But on the way there, this guy is like...making these really off color jokes. And not in a good way? Like one of them I’m trying to remember the words, but can’t, but basically it’s him joking that he does it bareback (without a condom). STILL assuming this is just some sweet queer couple, we wait forever in the drive thru line, and he’s still making these jokes...like...it’s when you have that friend that tries to copy your mutual funny friend...but doesn’t quite LAND the joke? So it just feels awkward and a little creepy? He says something about “you better order from the dollar menu” and she’s just like “whatever” and orders what she wants, but makes a comment about how her shoes are $600 and if he doesn’t want to pay for a burrito... That is when I realize she is a sex worker, and they’re going to the hotel...well, I don’t have to finish that sentence. But let me tell you...I FEEL SO BAD FOR HER FUCKING THAT SLEEZE!!! So long as she’s a free agent and sex work is what she wants to do, more power to her, but DAMN. After being in that car with that guy for 10 minutes I NEEDED A SHOWER. Barf.

I gave one more ride before taking my break (uneventful) but like the whole time I’m just...annoyed and irritated. And I have no reason for it. I have snacks, I had a good nap, I’m making bank...but I just can’t shake my mood. I come home, and decide to make some soup and have some rustic bread with it...and then I make the MISTAKE. I convince myself I can just close my eyes for like an hour before being back on the road. WRONG. SO WRONG. Big mistake. Big. I wake up at 6 when I was supposed to be back on the road at 4. And the WHOLE TIME I felt weighted and negative and just exhausted (despite sleeping another 5 hours) and heavy. I didn’t want to do anything, was not motivated, and even procrastinated making this post, even though the last couple days I’ve really enjoyed journaling. My anhedonia was beginning to creep back in.

My morning finished with a phone screening appointment for a therapist that I forgot I had, while I had a woman I had just picked up in the back of my car (her car got a flat) because I couldn’t reschedule. I NEVER take calls when I’m on the road. But...at least the woman found out her driver was not contemplating suicide? Though I’m sure she left with questions about who my abusive ex was, and what family issues I might have (since I mentioned both in the call). OH WELL.

So...rolling back around to the first paragraph in this long post. It made me realize what I was feeling leading up to, and then after my nap is my current “normal.” The easy, breezy covergirl feeling I was having these last two days was the mushrooms. The exhaustion, the lack of motivation, the heaviness in my body...that had been gone for the last couple days allowing me to be more me than I have been in a long time. I was no longer smiling. I didn’t want to talk to people. I just wanted to lie down and do nothing, while the days previously I was writing campaign stuff, cleaning, going about daily tasks as if it cost me no spoons. (if you don’t know about spoon theory, you can find it here)

So, now we’re at 12:24pm. The first dose kicked in about 45 minutes to an hour after taking it. I’ve now doubled my dose from 0.1g to 0.2g. I’m taking the rest of the day off to sit and ponder, but I DO need to go get my breaks done this afternoon.

About the pondering: IDK what you believe or don’t but I do somewhat subscribe into the theory of the Law of Attraction. (That link is to the “documentary” about The Secret.) BUT, I don’t believe that that law is something “mystical” (even though I am, myself, a mystic). Rather, I believe that when you approach things with intention, the outcome is more profound/clear/pronounced because you went in with a goal in mind already. For example: you “attract” more successful people in your life to coach you to become successful not because you thought about it and made it “manifest,” but because you thought about it and looked for the tells of the type of success you wanted to achieve and because that was in the forefront of you mind, you kept your eyes open for those things and recognized when they were in your path. It’s easy to find a bean when you’re looking for a bean.

A lot of the articles and such that I read on microdosing before slowly wading into that pool talked about intent. You can take drugs to feel better, but what really have you learned or what habits have you changed to change your life if you’re not using this opportunity to reflect? The idea behind microdosing is not to take drugs. It’s to use a small amount of a substance that has been known for centuries to heal parts of your brain that’s currently misfiring. I remember what my life was like before I had depression. For a couple days I had glimpses of that back. Microdosing isn’t forever; in fact, most say you should only do it for a month at a time, and many have not had to repeat the dosing, but have shaken their depression (or at least to something highly managable) with only one session (about a month, taking a microdose every 4th day).

So, today while I try this 0.2g (which seems about average for a microdose (they can go between 0.1g - 0.5g) I think that’s what I am going to think on. I know that I want my motivation and creativity back. But what does that look like?

It’s now 12:40PM. I thiiiiiink something is happening, because I’m noticing subtle shifts in light. Nothing crazy, but the blue of my Tumblr dash just looks more...blue-y. More saturated.

If you got this far...I’ll keep you updated. 

[theactofsurvival]

diary entry 03/01/17

So wow, my night went terrible. You can get your night meds from 20:30 till 21:30 and from 22:00 till 24:00 and of course I was dead tired and when I wanted to go get my meds it was 20:35 so I had to wait another 25 minutes andddd I fell asleep in my bed. I woke up at 01:40 and obviously I hadn’t taken my sleeping pills and I asked the night nurses for them but I know they are only allowed to give them till 01:00 so hey a night without pills for me! I fell back asleep around 02:20 and I woke up at 07:20 but I was tired as fuck (in the morning) for the first time in weeks. I think I slept very  lightly and the quality of those few hours of sleep was probably very poorly. I went back to bed after the morning opener, took a quick 1 hour nap and felt better.

At 11 I had a session with my psychologist and it was insanely good. Tbh, I can’t remember all to much of it but she really boosted my moral, made me less nervous for the new unit and she kept saying I should think back to the success stories I’ve had in the same situations in the past. And she’s right! I made friends at every unit. I learned to trust the staff at every unit. I settled at every unit. I can do this. She told me nobody likes new situations, meeting new people in unknown places all by yourself but it’s a part of life and even psychologists struggle with that. We also focused a bit on the you are not worth less than any other person -bit and a therapeutic way of handeling a problem called, literally translated ‘turn around thinking’. Basically, you have to distance yourself from the problem, make it a fact and then try to see the fact as a possibility, a chance for something. An example is: Iron Maiden was pretty pissed that people downloaded their music so much, but instead of trying to block it or whatever, someone suggested that they researched where their music was downloaded the most and to definitely visit those cities/countries on their next tour. You have a problem and you turn it into a possibility.  Quite the eye-opener, but easier said than done.

Then I had a little chocolate pudding that came with my lunch platter and I had a chat with the doctor. It’s too late to get my flu shot now, but he is FINALLY going to put things in working for me to get my full file of my last stay YES YES YES! 

In the afternoon I just hung around with some of the patients, when I could go outside I brought my letter to the post and suddenly, completely out of the blue I realized it was the third of January... meaning I am 1 YEAR SELF HARM FREE BITCHESS! I literally started crying in the middle of the street, cried all the way back to the hospital, the nurses were super worried when I came inside and when I explained they all congratulated me and I snapchatted everyone and called my mom and everyone was hugging me and I was so so so happy (and coincidentally, I REACHED A NEW LOWEST WEIGHT! I got admitted the second time in the ED clinic at 42.2 and now I’m 41.9!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I was just incredibly happy.

At 3PM I had philosophy and idk if I’ve told this but it’s with 5 other, older men and they are incredibly sexist pigs who never let me speak, who interrupt me every time because this stupid dumb little girl couldn’t possibly have an opinion about Sartre, right? I spoke to the therapist, told him blandly I expected a lot more from his therapy, that it was boring, that the level was too low and I was thinking of quitting and he was like ‘well why don’t you bring something on the table that interests you?’ and I was like FINE GREAT AWESOME EVEN. Because we had a lot of philosophy at school and I learned some very interesting things so today (yesterday actually but yeah I’m a day late) I held my presentation about Jacques Monod and Teilhard De Chardin and I talked about cosmological (a)theism and damn when I was finished it was dead quiet. So I asked the therapist what he thought and we chatted for a while about the universe, life and death, the reason of life, evolution therapies, god and science and then he finally asked the other men ‘so what is your opinion?’ and no one said anything and finally someone murmured “I don’t know, I’ve never really thought about stuff so complex, I don’t think I have an opinion about this, it’s just so... big” and I totally blew them away, knocked them off their feet. YEAH, THIS LITTLE DUMB GIRL HAS AN OPINION ABOUT PHILOSOPHY ASSHOLES. God I felt so proud and accomplished, it was such a proud day!

Things stayed good until around 7, but I got really tired because I had such a bad night and I fell asleep in my bed and woke up only an hour later but I couldn’t keep my eyes open, but I managed to wait another 30 minutes for my meds so I slept from (7 actually) 20:30 till 05:00 and yeah I was awake so I made a powerpoint presentation that a friend asked me to do because she’s making a project about self harm. Wait this is already about the 4th, nevermind.

That’s it peeps!