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#well she better find someone else
maddy-ferguson · 1 year
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i don't like j0pper either but when people say joyce should've stayed with bob they always lose me because i have a hard time believing she even liked the man
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carcarrot · 3 months
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well that was a shortlived good feeling about my job
#maybe i should just become unemployed. maybe i should just suffer!#recap of todays further events .#that supervisor? who i kinda didnt already like but now absolutely hate?#she came down to confirm that i wasnt leaving. okay . and then she fucking tells me#oh we're going to get another person to help out from this other company. we were going to do that bc we thought you were leaving#but she thinks that even if im staying there should be another person on this floor. bc apparently more has to be done#and there are 'constant complaints' abt this floor . which doesnt make sense to me bc there shouldnt be#and so we're waiting to see what the manager decides but hes on fucking vacation and wont get back until. next week??#she said she was gonna email him and like right after she left i emailed and texted him explaining everything#and trying to very nicely say hey what the fuck are you doing you don't need to hire anyone else#and if im doing a bad job fucking tell me so i can do it better. bitch#and she had the nerve to fucking tell me when she was talking to me#that i wont find an easier job than this one#well if its so fucking easy why are we hiring someone else#by the way getting that extra person from this other company doesnt cost them anything which is why theyre doing it i think#which is making me not feel good abt my own future lmao. like why would they keep paying me when they can get someone for free#and she was saying all this stuff like oh you have it so good here we dont write you up i do all this stuff to help you like . ok#i didnt ask you to come downstairs w the coffee order and if you wanted me to i would come up . god#but the thing of me not being able to find a better job like wow! what if i killed you. for saying that to my face#and she talks abt how shes been w the company 20 years ok and that doesnt give you an excuse to treat me like a child. jesus#anyway im very pissed off and not enjoying my work situation lol. i dont wanna do this anymore#but looking at other jobs im so unemployable. sigh
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alchemiclee · 11 months
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been looking in tags for a few days now to see if anyone else found the whole high cloud quintet and related story to be a bit.....poorly written, nonsensical, contradictory, full of plot holes and loose ends, etc. apparently i'm not the only one. (and i'm not even talking about shipping stuff, because any time I saw someone mad about bad writing, someone always replies to be homophobic and laugh about failed ships. weirdos.) it could have been so good but was thrown into the garbage for the most part (IF you noticed all the plot holes and contradiction. if not, then it's a fine enough story tbh. I expect most people to see it on surface level and not read all the little hidden lore bits and try to piece it together like my autistic brain did. which is ok! enjoy it if you liked it and ignore me 😆)
#apparently one of the writers did it on purpose. wont explain here. you can find it elsewhere. but it makes sense now#that's why it fell apart and didnt make sense in the end#ive seem people say anyone mad about it is a shipper and thats why. they use it as an excuse to be homophobes#youre gross get out of thos fandom. im here as someone upset about the story who was very skeptical about any ship theories and focused#more on plot theories and overall friendship and stuff so its not even about shipping you het weirdos!!!#the contradictions and plot holes are bd regrdless of who you ship lmao stop reducing it to that#aure its fine if you ignlre those plot holes. but it happened to be the little plot holes that interested me the most so its obvious to me😅#cant wait until a talented writer in the fandom rewrites the whole story a lot better and fills in the holes and ties up the end better#please someone do this 😭#lee text#hsr#i just wanted a close found family who met a tragic end#my idea for a better way to write it is dan feng wanted free from the high elder cycle and yingxing helped him create a new elder#but it went wrong and failed because the preceptors fed him wrong info hopong it woukd destroy dan feng since they hated him#instead it was yingxing that died and dan feng selfishly brought him back somehow and thats why hes immortal and hates dan heng now#they created a monster in the process that made a mess and baiheng died trying to kill it maybe but hit its weak spot#so it was weaked enough for jingliu to slay it#maybe for a plot twist jing yuan somehow knew the preceptors were up to something and didnt stop the two because#they were too stubborn and he knew it would do nothing#we know the dragon heart disappeared so either it ended becoming bailu in the end#or it could be inaide blade bow. another fun possible plot twist. they never explained where it went so it coukd be a n y w h e r e#i had other ideas but i forget now. bht baiheng deserves better as well. just being a plot mechanism to make two dudes be stupid#is kinda bland and boring and wasted her character. she deserves better too!!!!#id write this if i had the time and brain power but ill hope someone else does it instead#OH yeah i forgot a big idea. dan feng and yingxing perhaps try to also kill the arbor and end the abundance and long life/reincarnation#and maybe that was one part that led to it all going wrong or something. since yingxing wanted revenge on the abundance for destroying#his home and family???? and dan feng wanted to escape the cycle? similar wants that worked together snd failed#these are all ideas from past theories i read and my own ideas i came up with all of which are better than what that bad writer did!#these are very incomplete ideas that im sure someone else can write better#lee rambles
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deus-ex-mona · 1 year
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kawareeeeeeeeeee~~~~~~~~~
#(aka me when my acid burns randomly start throbbin’ when i bend over :( it’s very inconvenient)#in other news ​this week absolutely s u c k s can i trade it in for a better one—#first there was that acid spill. which. like. ouch???? but the mark is still there and is apparently very obvious. which sucks#then the day after the acid attack™️ meself and one other guy were called out under the assumption that we were doing unnecessary overtime#with the ‘unnecessary’ part running off the basis that there’s a low sample volume bc one single monday had fewer samples than usual#and we were singled out j u s t because our taxi claims for last month were through the roof due to the fact that we live across the country#like??? hellooo????? why are you treating it like it’s my fault that i have to pay upwards of $24 (at least) to get home???#and??? excuse????? why are you extrapolating the previous day’s sample volume to the previous month’s workload as a whole????#but. m a n. the way the mildly higher up lady abruptly shouted at me for asking a question just. pissed me off. for some reason.#she was talking in circles regarding the future of our taxi claims#so i asked if we (now) had to submit a second claims form for the transport company dudes to compensate us#and she yelled at me to stop talking before i could finish :( sadded and annoyed tbh#though i get the feeling that she hasn’t liked me ever since i left some results she asked for between her desk and some other guy’s desk#and someone else had placed their notebook or sth atop it so she couldn’t find it. and she blamed me for it. ha.#that was a few weeks ago though. so. hm. i wonder if she’s still mad about that…#either way. i applied for a couple of jobs that are closer to my place bc screw travelling across the country for an hour every day#s c r e w hour-long train rides i’d rather sleep#i prolly won’t even get the other jobs but. oh well. that’s life ig
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bunnyb34r · 9 months
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I will say I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt a little when my aunt had told me why my "cousin" (her niece, one I cut off. Tradwife cousin) isn't talking to her
So cousin's kids all look like fucking Charles Dickens orphan characters with these huge ass foreheads, whispy ass hair, and huge like sunken looking eyes. Well she had sent my aunt a picture of the kids and the one looked so fucking raggedy like always and she had asked if my cousin had ever seen "Call the Midwife", bc that's who her kids looked like, the kids on the show. She meant this as a compliment.
My cousin goes no I haven't, what do those kids look like?
And this is where my aunt made the mistake, she said they were desolate poor kids who like never had nice clothes. Not connecting that she was telling her that her KIDS then looked desolate and poor. (I was already cackling bc accurate. I know her husband makes a LOT of money and I know how much our aunt left her bc I've seen the will/got the same amount. So all together she's like upper middle class. They CAN afford to dress their kids nicely)
So my cousin didnt find that funny and she's like "and you're saying my kids look like that?" That being poor and raggedy.
Aunt heard "like those kids on that show"
My aunt then PHOTOSHOPS SAID KID INTO A COLLAGE OF THE KIDS FROM THE SHOW and puts a caption "which of these children Arent on the show Call the Midwife?" As a joke
Cousin didnt like that. Anyway the next day my aunt and her kid were at a flea market and saw really cute baby clothes and she had said "oh I wish I knew someone in the family with little kids. OH! COUSIN'S KIDS" and she texted that to her asking if she could buy them for the kids
Well she wasnt thinking anymore ab the previous conversation and how it essentially was her saying (in my cousin's eyes) that my cousins kids look poor and like they never have nice clothes, and hey can I buy your raggedy ass kids these clothes?"
I was nearly in fucking tears man 😭 I mean I'd be pissed as hell if she'd done that to me ab my hypothetical kids but bc it was a cousin I cut off and hate, and one who has really ugly children (they look like those renaissance paintings of babies sgsggsgsg like I'm sorry that is a man that isnt a baby) it was so funny
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theygender · 2 years
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Idk how many of y'all watch Good Mythical Morning but I just want to say that as a gnc person it makes me so happy to see Chase get to dress however he wants and have it just be normal. The crop top he always wears during international food taste tests isn't treated as weird, that's just his cartographer shirt, and it's become such a signature look that other people have to wear it while filling in for him. He plays a few female characters that wear dresses, but the fact that he's playing a woman or wearing a dress is never treated like a joke. The actual joke is that the character he's playing is a fancy dancing cow or an alternate universe version of Little Debbie named Giant Deborah who can teleport across dimensions if you chant for her. The dress is just part of the character, and Chase just happens to be comfortable wearing dresses and really good at playing funny characters. Idk, it just makes me feel really happy to see another gnc person out there thriving and living their best life. I've always been hesitant about being out as nonbinary at work bc I didn't think it would be possible for people to just treat it like a normal thing, and recently I've been worried that once I graduate college and go on to more "professional" work my future employers may see my gender nonconformity as unprofessional, which scares me bc it's not even possible for me to conform to any gender expectations anymore. But. Here on one of my favorite YouTube channels there's a gnc person who gets to dress however they want for their job, even having roles where their gender nonconformity is important to the videos, and it's just treated like the most normal thing in the world. If that's possible then maybe the idea of finding a research job that will respect me isn't so far fetched
#good mythical morning#rambling#idk i just get emotional sometimes#as someone whos worried that even gender nonconformity would be viewed as unprofessional in my future field and frowned upon#regardless of whether i would be interacting with the public#seeing someone whos able to be as gnc as they want at a job where theyre being FILMED for the public and posted to an audience#really does kinda give me hope that i can find acceptance one day#its really cool that stevie presents in a gnc way too sometimes but shes not on camera as much#but idk. it just makes me feel happy#im watching the international foods taste test they posted today and chase is wearing an even shorter crop top under his cartographer shirt#and i was just like HELL yeah you GO king!!#as someone whos been watching the show for a long time and has also seen a lot of old episodes from before i started watching#i like seeing how much more confident chase is now that he dresses how he wants to as well#in a lot of the old videos he dressed very much like a stereotypical straight boy and he seemed a lot more shy and timid back then#now you can just tell how happy he is. he seems so confident in himself and he contributes so much to the show now#idk. i want that one day. i hope i can find a stable career where I'll be accepted for who i am#instead of having to pretend to be something else or worry about what people are thinking of me if i dont#my job now is definitely better than some of my old ones but i still dont really know what people think of me now that im somewhat out#and spending 40 hours a week walking on egg shells with your own damn existence isnt fun :( but. maybe its not forever. i hope
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sparkly-skies · 1 year
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@mondscheinprinzessin
LAURA LAURA LAURA
.... I might need to revise my meme. I haven't even slept yet but all this song makes me want to do is... idk, get better? Rob a bank and be able to pay for therapy and go get better? Get better and go to their concert and dance and sing along to the "oh damn it will get better even if I have to claw my way to it with my bare hands" song?
#what is happening. i haven't slept yet and I'm overwhelmed with university and other stuff and mental health and whatnot#and still laura's buam are not making me cry but actually.... give me a vague sense of oh damn yeah it can get better and on god it WILL#even if i have to claw my way to it#hold on that might just be a quote from a tv show. which one was it. a woman saying it to someone about someone else#uuuuuuuh#oh. shadow of bones; nina saying she'll claw her way to a happy end if she has to#damn laura your boys are not making me cry when i'm tired what is happening#tell them to keep it up#how do i rework that meme now#well not now. now i need to get back to that goddamn stupid paper and somehow find 1600 more words to bullshit in#but in the evening today maybe#not like i should write another paper then that's also already overdue but hey. we know me by now#mine#lauras buam#lonely spring#sad weather kids#the line i wasn't ready for a line that is so challenging still stabs me though#i would once again like to have the energy and time to try to draw something. not sure what with that line but. something.#brudi i'm doing worse every day how is this not making me cry but actually making me happy wth is happening#is this like when pets get a last burst of energy and love before they die? am i about to crash really badly as soon as i've handed in my#papers?#yeah yeah i'd say sorry for the tag rambling but it's my tags and we know by now i'm not capable of shutting the fuck up
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flintbian · 2 years
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Man, life is just depressing right now
#the one thing that was keeping me sane has gone away#i would always say 'yeah every medical professional has given up and there's nothing they can do. but at least i have my PTs' well...#my current PT's are the only ones that ever treated me like a person and they always kept trying...but they've given up too#basically Clare was like we haven't made any gains in over a year and your state keeps getting worse. nothing we do helps#so it may be time to consider stopping bc throwing away money isnt helpful either#and i argued that it's damage control and improves my quality of life and i have a progressive disease i never was going to get better#not to mention mentally it helps to know there's people in my corner and at least they haven't given up on me#but now they have and im feeling so very very alone and hopeless#it's not like this is a surprise right? ive always been beyond help and it's an incurable degenerative disease#but still getting to this point fucking sucks#and i went to the new neurologist and he had nothing but crazy experiments bc ive tried fucking everything#and then to top it off the only doctor i trusted from when i was a teenager for one specific med issue had also said the same#literally this week she was like there's nothing more. i cant help find someone else. sorry kid. wishing you the best#and Xmas is a depressing and challenging time too#and i have 400 med problems while trying to find work#the past few weeks have pulverized me and i havent stopped crying in days#so yeah. terribly terribly alone#and im trying not to go down any spirals and havent. my therapist was out this week. but im seriously questioning the point#at this point maybe i should give up too#im being stubborn bc no i cant go yet i havent seen the lights yet or read my new books#but honestly i havent been able to read partially bc im afraid if i do im losing the last tethers to earth#there's not much or anything to live for#it's at times like these you truly realize how much you dont want to die. you just wish you could live#but im broke and freezing and in pain and alone. this story's ending fucking sucks#my dbt is coming in clutch but seriously. is there a point anymore?#never got to live. sick since a kid. hell was always here#sorry for the depressing state of things ill go back to being insane in a moment#p
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dreams-in-daylight · 2 years
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orcelito · 2 months
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I was on call for nearly 7 hours between streaming my samurai game, watching anime, and then just chatting some. Which was really great for getting my mind off things!!! Hung out with a good assortment of friends, which was pretty great.
Though. Now I'm alone again. Which I usually enjoy. But it also has me remembering why I was on such a long call to start with...
I have therapy tomorrow, and I don't know whether I should mention this. She's primarily my grief therapist, so it'd maybe feel weird to spring something else on her... but I don't know...
#speculation nation#just kinda remembering again how fickle it all was.#all the compliments... the 'i love you's... nearly 6 months of them...#dropped so suddenly for a days-long infatuation...#ultimately i guess it's for the best that this happened before i got Too deep into it.#unlike my ex from 2020. where i was literally living with him and genuinely contemplating eventual marriage.#the idea was floated vaguely of my recent ex and i living together next year if we were still together by then.#so if she's gonna be so shallow and selfish as to drop me just like that for a new 'love'...#going so far as to say she doesnt actually love me & every time she said it was just automatic impulse...#like. ouch.#adding in the fact that i admitted to her that i struggle with trust and abandonment issues#due to prior experiences with being dropped for being too difficult or having someone choose some1 else over me...#she promised that i was the only one she wanted to actually date... but then turned around out of nowhere and said she wanted to add one#but when i stood my ground and voiced my concern about her daying someone else given the obvious communication issues going on#(aka her standing me up without warning and ignoring me all day. which she said was bc she was too distracted by the person#she's in 'love' with. to the point where i just wasnt even a thought in her mind...)#(though i literally called her when she didnt show up to the time we agreed on. idk how she'd miss it. but oh well.)#anyways i was rightfully worried about it. and Thats when she ignored me again only to say she couldnt see us working out#bc there was no way of her feeling the same way with me that she does with Her...#frankly i think shes blinded by infatuation and is going to regret this later down the line.#throwing a good thing away for a passing fancy who's planning on moving away soon Anyways.#but. well. it's not my problem anymore is it? even if she begged for me back theres no way i would#after the absolute shitshow that's been the past day.#and it sucks bc i really did like her and spending time with her. but im glad it happened now. before i got too deep in it.#i'll give myself time to recover. focus on my interests again. and school.#and in a few months' time maybe i'll join the dating pool again. this time with a better idea of my wants and boundaries.#it really sucks to have 10 exes. it's kind of embarrassing. but with each one im learning more about myself.#in time maybe i'll find the person that's right for me. who wont drop me bc im too much of a hassle or bc someone else is better.#i have worth as a person. im not perfect but plenty of people do like me.#and i'll find the person who wants to stay with me for good. sometime. eventually.
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idledreams4 · 3 months
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my mother is in a bad mood today
Great.
#Got yelled at for enjoying a fandom SHE wanted me to be part of#But she was also clearly pissed off just waking me up this morning so clearly something else happened#I'm putting the mark of Cain back on my arm later#She hadn't even noticed *that* but I'm sure she would have freaked out about it too#“you do realize that [the anti-possession tattoo] can be taken as Devil worship right??????”#Yeah. I am. It happens to supernatural fans allllll the time. Am I going to get yelled at when I actually get it tattooed too?#Or is it only a problem rn when I did it with FACEPAINT#Like it can all come off#In less than 5 minutes#And the handprint#Really?#It's OBVIOUSLY facepaint#You think people are going to look at me and assume “oh no that poor child is being abused”#Or is it more likely they look at me and go “oh they got bored and put a handprint on their shoulder”#Like seriously#Reactions like this are why I don't share anything with you mother. Have you considered that?#Last night I saw my facepaint and went “hey it'll be fun to turn myself into Dean!”#That's all#So I'm getting yelled at for daring to have a little fun and trying to be like my role model#Well.... Role model is a strong word#I idolize some things: like his confidence and stuff#I think confort character might be a better term for him#We're very similar and I simultaneously kin him and want to sleep with him XD#But I'm also very much like him in the way of deep down I just want to find someone willing to love me. No matter how broken I am#I never say this about any character ever but I think we could fix eachother#Not if we're trying#But if we just ended up together by chance and formed a nice healthy relationship I think slowly we would fix eachother#idle speaks#queenie rambles
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arolesbianism · 3 months
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The Joshua section of my oni playlist is looking great so far
#rat rambles#oni posting#Im sure this will feel perfectly fine to listen to and wont result in me having to skip at least one of the songs involved everytime#I never look for joshua songs I just listen to music and receive visions#well tbf that's how I find all my jackie songs too but yknow#everyday is just me looking for songs for any characters other than jackie and guess whos gangly ass shows up every time#I rly need to find a proper ellie song I only rly have sort of ellie songs#and one of them is mesmerizer which basically doesnt count#and the other one I have is a stretch since its mostly because I have an amv in my head for it#idk maybe she should just try to be as interesting as the joshua lore I made up in my head :/#but in actual seriousness the main problem with finding good ellie songs is that most songs that I find that could fit her fits someone#else better and this isn't even just an oni thing like Ive found songs that have come so close to making it on the playlist but got snagged#by an oc first and in ellie's case marci keeps stealing all her shots at getting more songs#like I Could just slap them on the oni playlist anyways but them I'd listen to it and just start thinking abt marci instead#also they just like. fit her better than ellie.#so ellie is stuck in playlist limbo next to nikola who got his one semi song and nothing more#hey theyre doing better than nails the closest they have is the rabbit au nails clones getting a song#I love my rabbit au clone ocs they are so silly I love making au specific ocs that I put through the horrors#I still think abt my random card au ocs pretty regularly even tho they dont even have names and mostly just exist for worldbuilding#especially the dog lady who I mostly made to get murdered by glitter green shes my beloved#I should try to draw her at some point (won't do that since she has thin long hair and Id rather die than draw that)#rly tho I should design my clone guys theyre mostly easy since theyre y'know. clones.#theres some of them with notable design differences tho#theres the nails who cant sleep whos very disheveled and looks like they're on deaths door at any given time because they are#and theres the joshua who found out abt the horrors and had an existential crisis over it and became emo#and the nikola who found out abt the horros and had an existential crisis over it and put his hair in a ponytail abt it#the latter two are also besties and maybe kiss sometimes idk#and then theres my bestie the jean that's olivia's lackey and is absolutely obsessed with her and is fucked up in the head a lil bit#most of the clones across the story are less notably different from their blueprints tho and even less so visually#and when I say most of them I mean like almost all of the nails clones since the other three only actually had the one or maybe two
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violetclarity · 4 months
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started last night online shopping for new bras/bralettes because mine have gotten gross af, ended it looking at crochet bralette patterns so I could make a rainbow top for pride. I solved a different problem??
#here is my issue. here. is my issue.#I want the bra(lette) to be *not hideous*#I also have larger boobs. apparently.#like I don't think they're large tbqh esp. compared to my general body size/shape#I don't find it painful or especially annoying to go braless at home but it probably wouldn't be appropriate to do so at work#(it seems like a lot of people I know who do have large chests do *not* go braless which is why I said they don't seem large to me)#so I don't need something that is like miraculously supportive or whatever#I just need it to FIT my goddamn CHEST#I cannot stand the weird line/bump where the bra ends and you can see it through my shirt which is my issue with my current bra(lette)s#so even though I probably *should* try to find a better brand I think I'm just gonna buy the same brand again in a larger size this time#and hope for the best#(I went to get a proper bra fitting last year because I was more annoyed about how bad my bras looked then)#(and they fit me into an underwire bra that at the time I thought looked/felt good)#(except when I got it home and tried it on it was SO PAINFUL)#(like cannot wear for more than ten minutes painful. save for special occasions painful.)#(sometimes I put it on thinking I'll try to wear it for work and give up before I leave the house)#(it would have been okay if I'd only bought the one bc I could suffer through for the occasional special even but I bought two)#(and didn't return the second one in time and it. was. EXPENSIVE.)#(also can't ask my mom for advice again bc I don't want to admit to her that I did that lmao anyway)#why does she suddenly care about her bras again? haha well. um. well.#if someone *else* is going to see it I don't want it to be stained y'know??#I have some standards. minimal. but they are there.#anyway wish me luck with my crochet rainbow bralette for pride#I'm walking in the parade this year w my sports league so I gotta look Extra Cute y'know#if one of the men in charge tries to tell me we all need to be fully dressed I will simply bite his head off#bras cw
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bethanydelleman · 7 months
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I'm really tired of the "woman sad about her arranged marriage" trope, especially if that woman is royalty.
I am sure that many women across time were sad about their arranged marriages, but I'm sure a lot of others were excited, ambivalent, or resigned. Again, especially if you were royalty! I am sure if you were born a princess, you were trained from birth that your whole purpose in life was to marry someone important to solidify the power of the person on the throne. And honestly, it's an important job, if it wasn't, they wouldn't have tried so hard to do it.
That woman isn't just marrying another king or prince, she's going to be an ambassador of her country. She's supposed to be there promoting good relations. She isn't just a woman being sold off, she has a job! Also, if she is marrying the reigning monarch (or the heir), she may well end up running the country if the king is off at war or he dies when the heir is really young. That happened a lot throughout history! (or maybe she marries the third son and helps him find his way to the throne. Good for her)
It just feels like a modern sentiment being projected back. In Romeo and Juliet, when Juliet's mother first brings up marrying her to Paris, Juliet's basically cool with it and says she'll try to like him. She would have known this was going to happen because that is what rich women do, they marry into another family so their two families can be buddies. What else would she even be expecting?
It wouldn't bother me so much except that it's all we see! Give me a story about a woman who is like, "Cool, I shall give it my all!" Or she's like rolling up her sleeves and planning how she's going to get the court on her side and rule France, power behind the throne style (these women are mostly portrayed as villains, but who is to say the king would do a better job?). And also, have a little faith in women's fathers? You think men in the past didn't occasionally consider the happiness of their daughters? Not even a little bit?
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b0mblover · 5 months
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Hate, in Every Sense of the Word.
By: J
major tws for; suicide mention, domestic abuse, abuse, sexual assult mention, murder mention, (really just alot of violence tbh) self harm mention
uh, sorry? that theres so many tws, ig also minor tw for mention of sex too.
uh haha i uh, can you tell what happened tonight? it wasnt even the worst one, just, im tired of it.
talk abt living out of spite bc mannnn, thats all i been going off of for a good while now!
i uh, i really wanna make a certain food bc um. (LOOK I WANNA MAKW A LESS OILY FUCKER OKAY) but my father is awake meaning my mother will be too soon but im scared to even go out of my room bc theyre prob gonna fighttt.
hhhrbd okok ill shut up for now, go ahead and read the angry jirou bullshit ig 😭
(oh yea, if it wasn’t obvious. im talking about my mother in this.)
——————————
yknow,
you havent been a great person
or a good one even.
yet you still question as to why i dont love you
or like you,
maybe you have an idea of how much i hate you.
maybe not
i dont really care about your feelings.
at all.
not now.
i put up with this for fucking 14 years.
my entire fucking life.
ive put up with your shit.
but now?
now im done.
you have no idea how badly you fucked up.
when he said that “im sorry im a fuck up” 
yknow.
he mightve not been right for what he did.
but,
it was just a mistake.
it was a goddamn mistake.
you have any idea how many times ive uttered those words too?
how many times ive repeated them?
how many times i fucking meant it?
just because you “had it bad” doesnt mean shit to me.
you have no goddamn right to treat others the same way.
dont give me that “i dont know how else to act!”
bullshit.
bullshit you dont.
you treated your damn boyfriend just fine!
you had a goddamn kid
you had two goddamn children.
with this man that you fucking DESPISE.
you knew it back then too.
you told me you did.
you fucking told me.
almost nothing can compare to the anger i feel to you right now.
nothing.
you have no right to act like that.
no.
you have no goddamn right to hit another fucking living being.
for such a simple mistake.
i dont care if he talked about it since friday.
i dont give a fuck if he talked about it for months.
you.
you as a goddamn human.
have no right.
none.
in the slighest.
to hit another living being.
for talking about something in your eyes “too much”
or making a mistake.
youre a hypocrite.
need i remind you?
you said that after you broke up with the man you were having an affair with.
that youd be a better person.
stop the fights.
stop the beatings.
stop all of it.
and everything would be okay!
.
i didn’t believe you for a goddamn millisecond.
youre a liar.
just how you said i was.
you didnt quit.
you didnt stop.
hell two months after you hit him again!
you threatened to kill him and yourself!
cmon.
dont you get it yet?
i fucking despise you.
maybe to a degree i feel shocked.
but.
i really dont think thats it.
youre the root of my problems.
every single last fucking one.
——————
need i remind you as how i had to learn to cook, because you were too busy with your damn boyfriend to help me?
.
need i remind you how when i tried to show you that i was fucking cutting myself when i was 9 you only talked about how it looked ugly?
.
need i remind you about how many times you said that you didnt care if i hurt myself as long as no one can see it?
.
need i remind you about how you ignored the rope burn on my neck god knows how many times?
.
need i remind you how you denied fucking multiple peoples sexual assault because “it couldntve been like that”?
.
need i remind you of how many times i almost had to be hospitalized because of your neglect?
.
need i remind you of how many nights i spent alone, in the cold, in the dead of winter, just because you wanted to fuck your boyfriend?
.
need i remind you of what you yelled at me so many times?
.
need i remind you of what i seen?
.
need i remind you of how many times you blamed your abusive behaviors on medication?
.
need i fucking remind you of my entire purpose?
.
i dont care about your feelings anymore.
i gave up years ago.
but now.
i dont feel just numb for you.
i hate you.
in every sense of the word.
.
i dont care of what you or anyone else thinks of me.
.
i dont care about what you think of my appearance.
.
i dont care if you think im too thin or fat or whatever word youll use next.
.
i dont care about what you think because you’ll hate me no matter what.
.
you thought id stop being xxxx when you broke up with him.
you yelled at me.
no.
you fucking screamed at me for weeks.
im tired of even putting in the slighest effort of acting as if i fucking care.
i dont give a fuck about you.
and yknow?
if.
no.
if it would work.
if it was possible.
id fucking kill you.
id stab you.
right here.
right now.
to end my suffering.
to end his suffering.
all of it.
id end it all.
i dont care if its wrong.
because i know no one else knows about whats going on.
yknow.
only one person around here knows what youve done to him and me.
and i havent even met her in person.
yknow.
the people i used to be close with from school.
only just learned you had an affair.
i know that.
the police are do-less.
since you know them.
and hes a man.
not a woman.
it wouldnt be taken seriously.
that he should just fight back.
yknow.
youve ruined what life he has left.
his parents beat him.
his ex wife beat him, and cheated on him.
and here.
youve done the exact same thing.
yknow.
he’ll never get to see how love truely is.
because of you.
because of what youve done.
i cant say i really like him either.
but.
that doesnt give you the right to ruin his life.
.
yknow whats worse?
how i know the only reason that so far youve never dared to lay a finger on me.
is because ive proved that i won’t hesitate to beat the fuck out of you right back.
i know i joke about that night.
but.
really.
hitting you for doing that was the best decision i couldve made.
its kept me safer than i wouldve been for years. 
and even now.
if you were to as so much to touch me.
while in a fight.
id do it all over again.
you maybe 100 pounds heavier than me.
but you dont know how to fight against someone who wont just sit there and take it.
i wont forgive you for what youve done.
even if he will.
.
i want nothing to do with you.
get out of my life for good.
#j writes badly#woohoo i just love living in a very fucked up house its soo great /sarcasm#ughnf whats worse is that if it werent for my parents rn my life would be quiet literally perfect.#holy shit the being pissed at my mother instead of destroying my arm thing is actually working irl holy shit#(actually shoked abt that tbh)#unironically i wanna make a less oily fuck rn. like so badly. bc my parents went to the store and got eggs so i can#oh yea for the new gen folk that dont know all of the j lore (this has been bothering me bc its coming up on the anniversary)#i know how to break someones fingers and make it look like an accident!#turns out theres a specific way thats more common in abuse versus accidents!#dont ask why i know this 🙂 (or do- it reallt doesnt bother me) (also not that i would- /gen)#this is basically me catching everyone up through j lore im not even kidding tbh#and yes. i have hit my mother before bc she wouldnt stop “playing” as i had hot ramen in my hands!#(look. it wasnt the best move at the time but uh. really saved me in the long run unironically!)#THERES FUCKING GEESE FLYING OVER MY HOUSE RN HOLY SHIT#sorry. uh. i cant help it tho. i heard them and it was cute#oh yea even MORE j lore; i have a mildly unhealthy obsession with “being stronger” because im consitently (and rightfully)#paranoid that my mother is gonna try and hit me!#when the whole 2020 chrismas thing (when i hit her) happened i had just got done wih archery so i was still pretty strong#but then eating disorder happened and i quit archery. muscle atrophy etc etc#so like. its a big ass thing i think abt every day now!#yea theres a real reason why i consider my friends as “safe” 💀#heheheheeeeee when no where else is safe thats just life ig!#oh god i need to brush my teeth fuck.#hhvtbd but my mother is awake :(#HHGBHGBSNS i need to start doing that at an ealier time bc it keeps getting in the way of things#again. how the fuck does smth so simple as brushing my teeth make so much feel better 😭😭 its weird#sighh well! time to go back to trying to find drawing inspo!#(i unironically cannot use my own trauma as a drawing point bc it makes me actually suicidal. thats why i write it! /srs)#CHOKEKSSSJ ok ill hush now!
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bmpmp3 · 5 months
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speaking of genbu's "serious" sounding tone in his voicebank, i think that might be why he was such a dead ringer for teto pre-synthv-bank-release with just a couple little gender parameter tweaks. wait do my followers know this. sorry i know most of my vocal synthesizer talk is genuinely gibberish to my beloved and loyal long time followers but do you guys know this. for a few years, people had discovered that since utau teto and genbu have this similar strong enunciation and dark sounding tone plus teto can have a bit of a tomboyish edge to her voice anyway -> if u mess with some parameters and phonemes he'll sound close enough to her, so it became a bit of running gag in the community, along with just being a genuine and novel use case for his voicebank. actually recently i found out about someone who made a couple of synthv scripts to set genbus voice to his falsetto pitch and set the tension to drop during each syllable automatically to make him sound like the utau sora amaha. genbu's purpose is to impersonate other vocal synthesizers
#i wasnt familiar with sora until i found that video. apparently she's voiced by lon? like that lon? like the utaite?#which is really neat! every day i find out about another utaite or seiyuu or someone who is involved with vocal synths in some fashion#im still reeling from anju inami providing the voice for a cevio bank! oh and the other day#i learned that the utaite kano was involved with the japanese version of luo tianyi#only to clear up some pronunciations - most of the bank is apparently the original provider. but its really interesting!#also jk jk genbu i love you. you are youre own vocal synth. you dont have to be her (teto). be yourself!!!!!!#i do love when people make teto and genbu have beef though. its so funny to me#tbh ive never been a teto user. shes not bad or anything i just never had any desire to use her utau bank. i keep her sv lite around tho#just in case i feel like making her bully genbu or something. bully that grown ass man#wait is she older or younger. i forgot how her fucked up chimera age worked again. oh well. whether ur 30 or 16 u can still bully him <3#its a family activity. fun for all ages! anyway yeah i was never much of a teto user. tbh i think its just because like#if i want to hear a teto cover someone else probably has already done it far better than i could even think to LOL#i like when other people use her! sasuke haraguchi's use of her in hitomania and igaku has been magnifique#but i think with vsynths i prefer to use voices i like that no one uses much LOL#gives me much more drive to make covers if i know im one of the few doing it HJKDSLJ#whenever i get tired to pitchbending fast syllables (my least favourite part LOL) i think to myself.... i must.... i must....#do it for him (genbu)..... hes not very popular since hes not the only male japanese voice anymore..... i must do it for HIM!!!!!!#(tunes one phoneme and explodes on impact)
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