#were so utterly devoid of thought or nuance

[echodrops]

I started the last post with "I'm so tired" too, but it just gets more true every day.

My last post was about how my real life sucks, but man, I can't even come to the internet as an escape from the intellectual collapse of academia anymore.

I'm just trying to browse in peace without being bombarded with people virtue signalling, advocating for media to be sanitized, and arguing over whether it's morally responsible to ship a character who is a literal murderer with someone that he said something mean to once.

Like, is this where we're at?

Is this really where we're at?

[safarigirlsp]

Which movie did you think was the best out of House of Gucci, Annette and The Last Duel? 🖤

Hi! I waited until I'd actually seen Gucci to answer this lol.

1. The Last Duel - 9.5/10. I had very high expectations for this movie and it met and/or exceeded them on all counts! I’ve been hyped about this movie since spring of 2020 before the plague lol! Plus, I love knights, medieval settings, and also courtroom dramas, and this is all of the above. I was expecting to be let down, as is usually the case when I go into a movie with high expectations. I really enjoyed everything about this movie and I’m hard pressed to think of any negatives. Ideally, the premise would have been more fun as say a murder lol, but it was an actual historical event, so it is what it is lol. The subject matter isn’t inherently offensive or a turn-off to me. The only actual structural criticism I have is that I think it would have made for more interesting story telling if there was more ambiguity as to what happened rather than everyone knows at all times and the jig is up from the outset. 

Although obviously a drama, surprisingly it also has a lot of very tongue in cheek humor that I loved! The humor in Gucci is more ridiculous like velvet suits being chic (which I did admittedly enjoy very much!), and there is some of that in Duel that hits perfectly too ala “Come in. Take your pants off!” But the best humor in Duel was more subtle. It killed me with scenes like Margueritte struggling to lie under oath that she does experience pleasure from her husband, and Pierre making Carroughes scoot closer to him to kneel, Carroughes explaining to Margueritte that was well-behaved but “We’re no longer welcome at court,” not to mention all the men saying things 'are science' to a chorus of women's eyerolls lol.

Contrary to Gucci, with approximately the same running time, I didn’t find Duel to get boring or feel as though it was dragging, even during the scenes and segments without Jacques lol. This is extra impressive since it is basically the same story told three times in three different ways! The directing was superb and the nuances each actor gave their characters to change the way each point of view was presented was truly impressive. I also think it’s the most nuanced performance AD has given, and he excels at that in every instance!

More minor in the calculation, but I loved the aesthetics of the movie and the settings! Jacques’s wardrobe in particular was incredible. And the jousting part of the duel was amazing! I think it’s the best joust that’s ever been filmed, certainly that I’ve ever seen. I wish that part had been longer!

2. House of Gucci - 7/10. I thought this was a very fun movie and I enjoyed it, however, I was expecting to love it and I just didn't. There was nothing bad about it, other than some of the accents lol, but it wasn't quite as good as I was expecting. I probably fell victim to the hype machine lol. I thought the second half dragged a little and could have been shortened. I was disappointed by the sex scene, particularly Lady Gaga's animal noises lol, and the mistress I found very blah, irritating, and utterly devoid of character, chemistry, or personality. However, I enjoyed AD’s change from a happy innocent of sorts into a monstrous Gucci! I would have liked to have seen more in his descent and more of Hyde as it were.

One thing that pleasantly surprised me both with Duel and Gucci is that the supporting actors were wonderful! I always love Jeremy Irons, but he was superb in Gucci! His was probably my favorite performance in the movie! The lunch scene where he is just glaring at Maurizio for bringing Patrizia the gold digger home is perfect! That's my favorite scene in the movie. And Paolo's line, "Now I can finally soar. Like a pigeon!" killed me. In Duel, I was truly surprised how much I enjoyed Pierre! In contrast to Irons, I really don't care for Ben Affleck at all, but he did superb. Pierre gets my vote for the best sidekick/buddy in any AD movie yet. He added so much to every scene and he and Jacques are great together.

3. Annette - 3/10. I enjoyed watching Annette as a dark and warped comedy in my own way, but I wouldn't call it a good movie in any regard. I'm not a fan of musicals, so that's a hard sell for me anyway lol, but in some of them, I can appreciate the songs when they're good. Despite my opinion on the quality of the singing in Annette, the songs themselves were just lame. The plot lacked depth from my point of view, and it was generally just too artsy for me lol. I also found myself not engaged enough to care about any character at all. Whereas in Duel and Gucci, I was invested in Marguerite and Patrizia, and caught up by Rudlofo and Pierre, I was utterly ambivalent to every single character in Annette other than Henry, which was solely because he happens to be played by an actor I enjoy.

I obviously have a strong bias for Jacques, so you can factor that in lol. Although, I'm trying to be objective in my movie analysis

[arisefairsun]

do you listen to audiobooks?? i find it useful when i have to read Shakespeare for a class to also be hearing it aloud. and i have utterly melted hearing Folger's Romeo&Juliet dramatisation (meaning, as opposed to an audiobook having 1 narrator, a dramatisation hires a cast) that i see what you mean by being incapable of allowing Romeo to be anything but oversensitive and dreamy.. his voice actor does ESPECIALLY well in that regard ♡♡♡ what's your opion on this adaptation, if you have any???

I love it! It was no doubt my best friend during quarantine, when it used to be available for free on Folger’s website. I listened to it every afternoon while attempting to work out at home. It turned out to be extremely helpful! Perhaps because iambic pentameters are so very rhythmical, it allowed me to run indoors at quite a steady pace. (For those who wish to listen to it, you can purchase it here.)

As for the dramatization itself, I wish I could listen to it again to give you a more nuanced review. I do recall Romeo’s voice, though: devoid of enthusiasm in the first scenes prior to meeting Juliet, full of mirth and vivacity later. His poetry for Rosaline sounds half-hearted, his voice monotonous, rather empty—as if he were reading those lines, as if they weren’t truly his. But then, when he falls in love with Juliet, the emotional texture of his voice becomes rich in detail: joyful and mad and sorrowful, always filled with intensity.

His character development is tangible in the actor’s voice: the bleak, unsubstantial love he professes for Rosaline morphs into the earnest, vehement comradeship he develops with Juliet later on, which ends up modulating his interactions with everyone else in the play, always with a pinch of dreaminess. It is a soft voice, as you said, which I find so fitting for this ‘blushing pilgrim’.

Audio performances are altogether gripping to listen to, as the format always offers thought-provoking takes on the text. Deprived of visual stimuli, our imagination is to run wild as we listen to Shakespeare’s words, the actors’ voices embodying the emotions of the characters all by themselves. I highly recommend all my followers give it a try!

[captain-s-rogers]

It’s time for a challenge ladies and gents!

I absolutely love the TV show Psych! It’s one of my all time favorite shows and the dialogue in it is downright hilarious! Because of this I thought why not do a challenge using the dialogue from the show as prompts! That being said, I have selected 50 quotes from the show for the prompts! 

ON TO THE RULES, REGULATIONS AND PROMPTS!

Rules

No need to be following me, but it would be nice, this is open to everyone.

Send me an ASK with your prompt choice (along with a backup) and your pairing of choice. Reblogs or replies with entries will be ignored. Asks without pairings indicated will be ignored. It just makes everything easier for me to keep track of this way.

I will be answering these asks privately so I don’t clog up everyone’s dashboards, which means no entering on anon. If you want to enter and will be posting on a side blog just let me know the name of the blog in your ask.

There will be only one spot open per prompt, however if this garners enough interest and all the prompts get taken I may open it up to two

This can be used as a oneshot, drabble or start of a series. Please don’t make it part of an ongoing series, I want to be able to read every fic in the challenge and I will not be able to catch up on a bunch of series.

Use the tag #ivehearditbothwayschallenge within the first five tags on the post

Be sure to mention that the fic is for my challenge as well as tag me in the actual post.

All pairings are welcome but please check my FAQ to see what I do and do not read.

Your pairing must be within the Marvel fandom.

It can be as short or as long as you’d like. All I ask is that if it is over 500 words to please use a keep reading feature.

Sign ups begin as soon as this is posted and will end April 30, 2020 the day before the challenge due date.

Posting begins whenever you finish writing!

Entries will be due by May 1, 2020. If you need an extension at any point or need to drop out just shoot me a message chances are I’ll say yes – we all have lives and things get in the way so I totally get it.

I will update the prompt list as often as possible with what is still available. Once a prompt has been filled I will cross it out.

Some of the prompts have characters’ names from the show, I will put these in [ ] so you know to change them!

HAVE FUN! I want you guys to enjoy this!

I think that just about covers it for the rules! If you have an questions feel free to drop an ask! Now let’s move on to the prompts!!

Prompts

“Just because you put syrup on something don’t make it pancakes.”

“Well, much like Lady Gaga, I was born this way.”

“We take our hand-held entertainment very seriously.”

“Everyone stop what you’re doing and only pay attention to me.”

“They tell me I got something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But, uh, the truth is this lustrous hair and dimpled chin are merely chapter one. I’m a veritable cornucopia of high-octane maladies, such as outrageous intelligence syndrome. And a little obsessive successful disorder.” @captain-rogers-beard

“I can’t help being a gorgeous fiend. It’s just the card I drew.” 

“What isn’t clear is why people always say ‘goes without saying’, yet still feel compelled to say the thing that goes without saying. Doesn’t that bother you?”

“First question. What is your name?” “There is a murderer on the loose.” “That is not your name.”

“Sorry, I was too busy James Bonding it up in here.” @sagechanoafterdark

“I will eat you in manageable, bite-sized pieces.” 

“She’s obviously meeting a new boy toy. Maybe one even younger than the last.” “Younger? Who do you think she’s meeting with, Justin Beiber?”  @arrowsandmixtapes

“[Guster], you have to wake up to the real world: people have sex and kill each other. That’s the real world. Not some magical ‘feelings’ place.”

“Holy crap, are you checking your email?” “I get productive when I’m nervous.”

“I wanted to be heroic.” “Oh, [Mary], with a flare gun?” 

“I’ve seen it all.” “You’ve seen it all through the cracks in your fingers while you were hiding your eyes.”

“I still smell like stinky nuts!” 

“I’m not big on nude handshakes.”

[Gus] don’t be Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Marzipan.” “It’s Azkaban.” “I’ve heard it both ways.”

“I don’t lose things. I place things in locations which later elude me.”

“I’m just saying, technology is way overrated.” “That’s interesting -- just yesterday you told me you intend on having your wedding in space.”

“Are you in my apartment?” “Please. I haven’t snuck into your apartment for weeks. Which reminds me, you’re all out of peanut butter.” @thorfanficwriter

“I can’t believe you thought that text was from me. It lacked all nuance, my signature mocking tone, and was utterly devoid of emoticons.” 

“Well, fooling around with your best friend’s sister certainly wasn’t your most brilliant idea.” “No, that was the toaster alarm I invented in the third grade that woke you up by smacking you in the face with a waffle.”

“I have an idea, but we’ll need cool names.”

“[Mindy] it’s official: you’ve won bitchiest banana.”

“Just call me the suck-stopper. No, wait. Don’t ever call me that.”

“Well, at least that gives us the ‘how’. Now we just gotta figure out the ‘why’, which reminds me, [Gus], will you please get us those tickets for The Who?” “Where?”

“Where do I get a juice box and does it come in grapalicious.” 

“I think your shirt and his shirt should get together and go bowling.”

“I’m gonna crack her like a bad back!” 

“How about you play six degrees of kiss my ass?”

“Where’d you get that suit, the toilet store?”

“Oh, yeah? Well, I’ve got an ice-cold can of whoop-ass just sitting in that fridge!” “Actually, it’s diet whoop-ass.”

“Hooray for loopholes!”

“The chips say you’re a cheater, cheater pumpkin eater!”

“Clouds don’t kill people. People kill people.”

“We find the mystery lover, we find her.” “Dude. Why don’t I ever get to say things like that?” 

“There is something I’ve got to get off my chest.” “Is it your shirt? Please say no.”

“Heard about Pluto? That’s messed up.”

“This place is trashed.” “Maybe Johnny Depp stopped by.” “I’m sorry, did that joke just arrive in a time machine from 1992?” 

“Don’t touch that, it’s blood.” “It’s not blood.” “Enjoy your hepatitis.” 

“There’s a Lt. Crunch here to see you.” “Crunch?” “Actually, I’ve been promoted. It’s Captain Crunch.” 

“How do you just eat when there’s a dead guy laying there?” “What, is that rude? Am I supposed to share?” @mermaidxatxheart

“I just got a lap dance from Patrick Swayze!” 

“Kudos on the childrearing. Let me know how the therapy goes.” 

“You’re dating a murderer!” “Not exclusively.” 

“Okay, you have got to stop calling your nose the Super Smeller. If you want to nickname a body part, nickname your butt, man. Call it the Tight-Bouncer or the Hexagon. Ladies are gonna dig that.” 

“You cannot sit here alone in the dark in a parked car. You’ll get picked up for Mopery.” “Mopery?” “With intent to creep. Trust me, you don’t want that. It’ll put a big hole in your future.” 

“How can you tell that someone’s a compulsive liar? I mean, assuming that their pants aren’t on fire.”

“And that, ladies and gentlemen, is precisely why time travel is not only possible but may have already happened.” 

Tagging for interest and signal boosting!

@arrowsandmixtapes @the-murder-strut-murdered-me @growningupgeek @captain-rogers-beard @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan

[malachi-walker]

Some Really Heavy Thoughts on the Relationship Between Scorpia and Catra

Fair warning, guys: I'm gonna get into some deeply personal stuff involving abuse recovery and past mistakes here. I will not be making excuses for Catra or her treatment of Scorpia, but well... Let's just say there's a reason why their relationship has always me wince. Because it touches on some stuff that is likely relevant to a lot of ex-abuse victims.

This entire meta stems from an epiphany I had while discussing with @johannas-motivational-insults how I have a really hard time writing Scorpia, and me trying to pinpoint what exactly makes me so uncomfortable working with her or looking at her relationship with Catra in detail.

Let me back up a bit. We all love Scorpia. She's a big cuddly sweetheart without a mean bone in her body. She's fantastic, a bright point in the overall suckage that is the Horde, and she gives GREAT hugs. So why does their relationship bother me so much?

Well... It's because I've been there once before in my own life. And it's one of my deepest regrets, so seeing that play out on screen and instinctively knowing where this is going fucking sucks.

Personal stuff under the cut.

We've already covered Scorpia being a good kid. That said, I feel like a lot of people just flanderize her into being this perfect wonderful friend who wholly accepts Catra (and conversely either woobify Catra or make her a horrible monster who doesn't appreciate a good thing) but... the truth is a lot more nuanced than that.

Scorpia doesn't wholly accept Catra because in order to truly accept someone you have to see them for who they really are, warts and all, and Scorpia doesn't. She idealizes Catra and either ignores or downplays her very real flaws and problems, and tries to excuse any actions she commits that don't live up to that constructed image, which is of course what she confronts in s4 (and I’m proud of her for that.) It's not done with any ill intent, but it's still not a good thing in any relationship; romantic, platonic, familial, any kind.

Here's where things get real personal. Also, I wanna specify that I am not forcing myself to talk about this, even though it still hurts in a lot of ways. Though I am probably gonna bring this up with my therapist when I next see her.

I've mentioned before in previous meta that I am an ex-child abuse victim who followed a very similar trajectory to Catra once I got out of that situation. I was angry, I was hurt, and I was ADAMANT that nobody get close to me again and fully prepared to lash out as much as I needed in order to make that happen. Occasionally people would slip through my guard anyway, but on the whole I was very successful at that goal and torpedoed a lot of bridges back in those days.

And as much as it kills me to admit it... I had my own Scorpia too.

Her name was Amy, and I met her in my freshman year of high school after I ended up in a private school for the “gifted and talented” (which ended up being its own mistake, but that's a story for another day.)

To put this entire situation into perspective: at the time I was struggling to process and cope with my abuse, I had just been misdiagnosed with major depression after an entire year of contemplating suicide, and I had been put on a ridiculously high dosage of the antidepressant Wellbutrin--literally the highest dosage they could legally give an adolescent without the risk of seizures--which cranked my rage up to a constant underlying simmer and also gave me horrific fucking nightmares, to the point that for about a year and a half I was consistently only getting two hours of sleep because I was waking up screaming nearly every night. This is not me making excuses for being such a dick, but I do try to keep in mind that younger me was dealing with an absolute shitshow when passing judgment on myself. I was trying to survive a situation that absolutely no one was equipped to handle at all of 14 years old.

And then here comes Amy.

Amy was one of those people who was relentlessly optimistic to an almost suspicious degree (more on that later.) The kind of person who will reply to any statement of "I'm having a bad [x]" with generic look-on-the-bright-side platitudes and a big smile without actually addressing anything you said. She was also one of those people who was aggressively Christian, not in a mean way, but in an "it was her answer for literally everything" way, which given that I was struggling with my own faith at the time was practically a recipe for disaster.

But for whatever reason, this girl latched onto me, no matter how much I tried to get her to do otherwise.

I wanna note that I wasn't wholly devoid of friends at the time; my best friend, Michael (who is still my best friend/bro to this day) had also gotten into the school along with me, but the rest of our friend group hadn't and those relationships drifted apart in the ensuing years, which only served to compound the underlying issues. And I will always be thankful that the guy was able to roll with the punches and stick by me even through my absolute worst, but it was also pretty irritating having to switch between my bro who understands me even if he didn’t always agree to my much tenser interactions with Amy. So back to her.

Basically, this girl just kinda inserts herself into my life, refuses to take a hint or back off, and any time I try to talk about my issues or get her to understand a little and make an actual connection, I'm met with the overwhelming feeling of "You're not really seeing me. You're not listening." So I responded by being a fucking bitch. I would ignore her, make fun of her, treat her like a third wheel, etc. In hindsight, it was a dick move, but at the time it made sense to me. I genuinely felt like it was her fault for never listening to me in the first place, so I justified it by telling myself I was just paying her back in kind.

I lost touch with Amy after I was kicked out of school at the tail end of freshman year due to a Wellbutrin-induced rage episode (nobody got hurt, but my attitude at the time was so consistently extreme that the school administration literally had an inch thick dossier on my behavior and what the other kids thought of me, so that incident was just what they needed to justify kicking me out.) Afterwards, my parents made the decision to relocate to another town since my expulsion meant I would be banned from going back into school for a full year unless we changed systems--and even then I was required to go into a continuation school to prove I had been rehabilitated, but I digress. Point is that I was uprooted from that environment and I didn't bother keeping in touch.

I actually found out years later from a friend who went to that same high school--though we didn't actually become friends until after my expulsion--that the reason why Amy was the way she was is that in the year prior to meeting me, her mother had committed suicide and she had been the one to discover her body. So in hindsight, her entire deal made sense: she was trying to survive in the only way she knew how and cope with a situation no one should ever have to, same as me.

But that didn't mean we were able to connect. The great tragedy of that situation, and the thing I regret the most about it, is that we were just two horribly damaged kids that were utterly incapable of actually seeing each other as we were at the time. And it ultimately wasn't anybody's fault, which ironically makes it even harder to accept.

I regret the way I treated her. I wish I could have made her life a little better, and I still hope and pray she got the help she needed elsewhere.

That's what makes Scorptra so incredibly tragic to me as well. Scorpia is a good-hearted person who does genuinely care for Catra, but she also willfully blinds herself to the things Catra is dealing with and her relentless optimism often just ends up rubbing salt in the wounds. Catra is wrong to treat Scorpia so badly, but I also fully understand those feelings of resentment and anger you develop towards someone when they consistently refuse to see you as you are, because I've been there. And that's also why I've always had a hard time with Scorptra romantically (though if you ship it, good for you! I honestly wish I could), because those issues have always been present in their relationship and made it unsustainable from the very beginning.

Something was always destined to break between them. And that's what makes it so damn hard for me to write Scorpia as a character, because in many ways she reminds me of one of the things I regret the most in my life: how I treated someone else who had the best intentions horribly when I was at my absolute worst. These days I try to be kind to my past self as part of the healing process, but when I think of my actions in that year it is really fucking hard. I don't like to think about it, even though I know I feel like I need to (which is also why this meta exists.)

Neither Scorpia or Catra were at fault for the fact that they couldn't see each other properly: it was just a really bad case of wrong place, wrong time. And that's what makes it hurt.

Also, if you made it this far, I'm sorry this was so depressing. Please have a happy cat and scorpion to hopefully feel a little better. Also huge shoutout to @yesbpdcatra for encouraging me to get this out there. You're the best, fam.

[wolvesdevour]

How Not to Write Gay Stories

I’m very torn between writing two different posts and there’s a chance these may combine, so we’ll see how this goes. There are two topics that are in my mind a fair amount: gay fetishism by women authors (both in fanfic & professional writing), and how to translate fanfic writing skills to professional writing (and how it can fail). Miraculously, perhaps, the book I just read, How (Not) To Ask a Boy to Prom by SJ Goslee is a fairly good example of both of these. 

The problem with addressing gay fetishism among women authors is that when is it fetishistic versus well-meaning? It’s hard for me to say why the originators of gay slash fic wrote the way they did, but its hard to miss that when fanfic especially grew prominent, over 80% of writers were women. In Star Trek fandom, the first gay slash fic was published by a woman in 1974: A Fragment Out of Time. By 1973, 90% of ST fan writers were women. 

To clear the air a little: women writers can write good gay stories. One of series I am currently read, The Realm of the Elderlings by Robin Hobb, includes many gay men, some of which are centered POVs. I will not say she is a perfect author, but I deeply enjoy how she writes men. For a good portion of the series, she shows a man growing up: he starts as a young boy, and we see how the men around him teach him to be a man. A very good portion of the lessons stray away from toxic masculinity. He is still taught to be a man, and there are certain “this is a manly trait” aspects (although when she features women as forefront POV, she often includes very similar lessons: ultimately nothing is exclusive to one’s sex, but society is what it is and they may learn lessons differently or overcome different hurdles).

She addresses writing gay men in this interview: Here’s the thing - when I meet a person, their gender identity is most often not the most important thing about them. If we become friends, it’s not because my first impulse is, “I will be friends with you because you’re female.” I mean, there’s a lot of women I can’t stand. There’s a lot of men that I absolutely can spend hours talking to. There are a lot of people on the whole gender spectrum and whether I become friends with them or not has nothing to do with that, so when I am writing these characters, although in some ways gender can influence a plot - for instance, if you want the prince and the princess to get married and live happily ever after in a medieval setting, gender is going to influence that - but for the most part, gender is not much more important than who has blue eyes. What’s more important is who is a skilled navigator, who is tough enough to survive a bad situation, who can think on their feet and find the creative solution to a problem they haven’t encountered before, and that’s got nothing to do with gender. So it was not that I said, “Gee, I will write a book with gay characters.” It was, I’m writing a book, this character has stepped out onto the stage, he’s told me about him- or herself, and this is who they are. As I said: I’m not here to say that women cannot write gay stories. But there is also gay fetishism. I am both a gay man and a trans man; I get a lot of “OMG, you’ll love this!” and cis or straight people presenting me with things that appear inclusive or caring. I personally don’t find memes like “Steve Rogers is a transwoman!”** or whatever amusing. Am I, say, happy to see that Loki is canonically not straight nor cisgender? Yes. I love that. (Does that potentially make Victor von Doom not straight, uh, I like to think so.) I like reading LGBT+ stories, but a good portion of them may not interest me, especially if the writer isn’t part of that demographic and has a tendency to post a lot of art, writing, or discuss a lot of how hot, cute, or general appealing it is that a character or couple are LGBT. That creeps me out. I’m not alone. Very not alone. Absolutely not alone. Here’s another post, this time by a woman that I appreciate:

The worst thing,” one gay friend said, “is that [women in the slash community] aren’t listening to me. You’re not listening when I tell you that you’re being hurtful.”

What I find especially difficult to convey is the nuances to when women write gay men versus when men do. I’ve been trying to collect “gay stories written by gay men” although due to publishing bias, this can be very difficult: As a queer, trans reader, I looked forward to seeing myself in their pages. But I was surprised to find that some LGBTQ-focused stories were reflecting not me, but a straight person’s imagination of me. [Link 1]

The current transman story I like is seen in Early Riser by Jasper Fforde. The character utterly blindsided me in a great way: he never appeared “omg trans” until it was forced to come to light. I appreciate him as well, as a character, because in a harsh survival world, he is a man who survives well. I especially see a lot of “transmen are soft uwu such boi” and I despise this. I did not survive everything in my life to be diminished to pastels and cute/sweet and childish-boyish characteristics.  Similarly, as a gay man, I am not there to be pretty, to serve as a fashion guru for straight people, to be soft and pretty and welcoming. And that’s not how gay men write themselves. This isn’t how transmen write themselves. As a writer, I struggled a lot on how to depict trans characters, and my largest lesson (and I certainly hope to published one day, but who knows) is that I never saw good examples of myself because most typically they are written by straight, cis women.  So what is so wrong with Goslee’s How (Not) To Ask A Boy to Prom? (There will absolutely be spoilers.) The main character is a teen boy who has long hair, loves succulents aggressively, loves narwhals, and has no male friends. His school is supportive of gay men: a very popular football player is gay and has supportive friends, another gay teen (who becomes his boyfriend) has very supportive friends. For some reason, this gay teen is incapable to do anything for himself. He loves art, doesn’t do sports, doesn’t really connect with his foster parents, and seems overly attached to his sister. He is effectively a very flat and “soft” person. Some guys are, of course. Some gay guys are more art, less sports. But the other men? Si & Bern? They’re equally soft. Si is described as soft, beautiful, kind, sweet. He has zero personality. He is described the same way, every time, and is overly described as soft, all men are soft, it’s like they bathe in fabric softener. Bern, the “bad boy” is barely... That. He is supposed to be gruff to the main character, but for the good portion, he is like the main character (Nolan), and Si. They are all the same person, ultimately. 

Bloom might be a good comparison to How (Not) To Ask a Boy to Prom. This is written by a man (Kevin Pancetta) and illustrated by a woman (Savanna Ganucheau). I don’t like the character design. Most of the gay men I showed it to asked if at one of the guys (or both) are women. But it is a story about a frustrated kid who wants to move out of his small town to Baltimore (okay: as a Marylander who grew up in a very small town and eventually moved to Baltimore, I kinda.... Get this), but meets another man who is older, but not creepily too old for him, and its a romance & vague coming of age story. If you grew up in a small city as LGBT+, it’s hard to find your sense of self. You miss out a lot on life; I think Ari reflects that: he wants to be himself.  A lot of this enters into my point 2: The problem of being a fanfic writer, or the pitfalls of translating fanfic writing skills to professional writing. Nolan is not a person; he has no strong characteristics. We’re told he likes narwhals and succulents, he is a foster child, he’s gay, and I have trouble quantifying him the way I do Ari because he’s so devoid of personality. Si is probably the least developed character at all, as the “perfect, Apollo-esque gay football player.” Bern is maybe the most developed, going from gruff-mean guy to gay softy--a motorcycling math nerd.  The problems with fanfic writing is that it is based on knowing characters. As fanfic writers, we don’t have to nail down reality, because there’s a whole piece devoted to who they are. We’re just filling in those blanks. The author seems to primarily be a Teen Wolf fanfic writer (her bio lists “werewolves,” but her tumblr blog is very devoted to Teen Wolf, so well). This brings up another creepy pitfall, which is beyond slash fic writing, there is the aspect of word usage. If you’ve been following my vague live-reading, I’ve been posting about the massive references to “puppy” and other trends. It is creepy to read out of context. 

It seems, according to reviews, that Goslee has trouble with this in her other book, Whatever: or how junior high became totally f$@ked. She has a stream of consciousness that doesn’t explain the main character’s thoughts or the world very well. In fanfic writing, this would end up being a slow burn. “Oh, but are they really going to date?” etc. In How Not, Nolan fake-dates Bern, and googles this concept, finding fanfic works. This gets weird for me, because it’s supposed to be an inside joke, I guess? “Hey teeny nerds: fanfics” but most gay men I know have a difficult relationship with fanfic and with fan community due to fetishism. We get pressed out of spaces a fair amount because of it. (One link above, the Mary Sue one, discusses how women do this.) Of course, this is meant to be a cute, happy book, right? Alright, it’s a cute, upbeat story. Except we don’t get a very good baseline for the world. Bern & Si’s friends are supportive. We get a form of negativity from Bern’s mother, who wishes he’d date his ex-gf, I think? (Bern is bisexual.) Or maybe just date women. So is there homophobia in this world or not? We aren’t given a good sense how Nolan’s parents feel that he is gay? It seems to wholly not discuss his foster parents barring “they are aggressively competitive, Tom makes crazy food concoctions and Marla talks to him about dating Bern.” As a whole, the parents are extremely unimportant other than they provide a home and food. Are they unusual for the area? (And knowing PA, that state can have some major issues.) Or is it common in this world? Is there a reason to not hand-hold? Do they every worry about homophobia when outside school? Do the teachers say shit? There is a lot to consider. The world-building is deeply lacking. Beyond the lack of world, we get a lot of fanfic trope writing. A lot of this I’ve seen from people on my dash who are Teen Wolf fans. I used to like the show & follow TW blogs; I’m not a massive fanfic reader (*ahem* a lot of gay fetishism), but I have read it. For series like TW, you may see what I consider “animalistic tropes;” such as tackling, growling, etc. There is a lot of this. A lot of people are tackling each other to the ground, growling, and there’s this weird moment when Bern grabs the nape of Nolan’s neck that while some men do this, it felt very strange in the moment, particularly aggressively? Because the author openly admits to writing werewolf fanfic, it feels like that is what it is. For authors who write both fanfic and seek to write professionally, this is a consideration. For a gay reader, it’s really weird for a guy to grab another guy’s “nape of the neck” affectionately. (As someone who has worked around large predators, albeit primarily felids, grabbing the neck is a sexual behavior, but that just makes this weirder.) Anyways, it really struck out as weird; just very very weird. Bern is mentioned to not be into PDA (which later in the book, they do it a fair amount it seems, that is also very weird? this happens a fair amount). 

Another part is that there is a lot of use of the word puppy. It is frequents so often that I’d have to stop reading because it was grossing me out. It sounds like that author is into puppy play. This isn’t to kink shame, but this is a YA novel and she writes werewolf fanfic. It starts seemingly, albeit weirdly innocuous with moments like “Bern was smooth and graceful while I was still growing out of my puppy paws” and “She tilted her head like a puppy” and “I followed him up the stairs like a puppy.” But it keeps happening. Then people start growling at each other and it just... Gets a very specific note. Mixed in with how smooth and hairless and Adonis-like the teens are written, especially by an adult woman fan, it feels... Well... It makes my skin crawl. I’m not saying that the author means to. I’m really not trying to be like ‘Hey, guys, sexual predator?” I really, really want to address that that is not my intention. My intention is that this compounds on itself. In the links about how the slash side of fandom can make gay men uncomfortable: this is the perfect example.  I’ve been to events with fans and found myself, barring maybe my fiance, to be the only gay man there. If I’m shipping two characters, such as when I went to a TAZ photoshoot, and my fiance and I are the only gay cosplayers, and almost the only men period, whereas a lot of women are screaming about how cute Taako is, that gets uncomfortable. It’s not about this one fandom. It’s all fandoms. Every single one has had this fetishization problem. It’s why I never entered the Lord of the Rings fandom. I was in middle school and found “my first” fandom, only to see all of the fanfic about Sam/Frodo ships and it grossed me out. As a teen boy, it creeped me out, that all these men had to be sexual to each other, and as I only came across women shipping men, it made it more and more ostracizing.  Maybe I should have addressed this earlier, but: Not all fetishization is sexual. It can be romantic, too. How (Not) to Ask a Boy to Prom’s relationships are about a teen boy who doesn’t want to date or go to prom. His sister makes him ask out Si, the big popular gay guy. Nolan/the author mocks the GSA (gay-straight alliance) club. While there are problems with some GSAs*, the author, a seemingly straight woman, is mocking an LGBT+ space. There is a chance she is bisexual; I haven’t managed to find otherwise, and that’s how this will appear to many people, as she has a husband. I will also note: a bisexual woman’s experience will differ from a gay man’s experience, and sometimes LGBT+ folks need to not speak for/over each other.  Nolan ends up fake-dating Bern due to a mistake, and there’s a bit of problem I have, with how for a good portion of the book, these gay teens “need to FAKE date”. Worse to me, is that Nolan, upon realizing he likes Bern, breaks up with him and ends up sleeping (non-sexually) in a bed with his sister, deciding to go to prom together. For a straight/cis-presenting women to write this, it’s... Got a lot of different baggage to it. Especially with how idealistic (but not for gay men) she writes the characters, it gets worse and worse. It makes the gay character seem just a little less gay. His relationship with his sister is odd. It’s not “cool” to really hang out with your sister at school; I know, I had a step sister & brother. We were all roughly the same age. If these two went to prom together in the real world? They would be mocked. Also, it really makes Nolan appear not actually gay. As a gay writer, I would have him, if not go at all, go stag. The message here is: it’s better to be straight than gay and without a boyfriend. Hence how it becomes fetishistic: Nolan’s sister, both of which are older teens (around 17-18 or so) sleep together in a bed. It may not be “coded as sexual” but it is ignorant of the history that “maybe gay men can be fixed.” They even dance at prom. This is one step below asking your mother to prom. She is still his sister. It creates a narrative that he, out of the blue, dumps his boyfriend to then sleep/cuddle with his sister and they go to prom. Again, this is seen more in fanfic: we often, especially with adopted siblings, see closeness that can become romantic or sexual. I have a fair amount of friends who are adopted and this trope style is infinitely horrifying to them. It makes them feel like that society doesn’t view them as actually family. It is also a real problem: adopted family members (especially kids) have been abused by their adopted family, as if “it’s okay, they’re not actually biologically family.”

While he does eventually get back together with Bern, it’s after prom that he does this. I don’t even know why Bern accepts him. Nolan has been truly awful to this guy. Goslee doesn’t seem to understand how tenuous gay men’s statuses are. This can be held against Nolan, if not for the simple creepy fact that he sleeps and goes to prom with his sister, that he goes to prom with a woman, he may get a lot of “But are you really gay?” comments. Especially because Nolan dates only one man before going to prom with his sister (and is the one to dump his boyfriend, who he was fake-dating).

Is there more on this I could write? Yes. I probably could, but I also have to get ready to go to a movie with my fiance. So uh... Maybe there will be a part 2? We’ll see. _______ *I personally was forced out of my college’s GSA because the group was actually gay/bisexual people having orgies. So, yea, there’s some problems with certain LGBT+ spaces and being actually open to LGBT+ folks. It was also extremely transphobic and ace-phobic.  **My point with this for clarification is that: I don’t want to be bribed with “lol this person is LGBT+ cuuuute!?” headcanon or otherwise. I am fine with that form of headcanoning, or AUs, but the idea of playing with gender identity and pulling it off as cute, especially by cis or straight people is skeevy and at best, ignorant, at worst, fetishistic.  Link List: LGBT Exploitation in Fandom: we are not here for your entertainment

Fetishizing Homosexuality

gbpt boys’ ask about women readers of mlm stories

The Mary Sue’s On The Fetishization of Gay Men by Women in the Slash Community

Why Are So Many Gay Romances Written By Straight Women?

The Lack of Published Gay YA by Gay Authors? Let’s Talk About It

[old1ddude]

Living With Pink

Since @seasurfacefullofclouds did a lovely review on ‘Harry Styles’ (post) after living with it for more than a year - I felt inspired to write up my own observations and opinions.  

For the sake of brevity and the fact that it seems to irritate certain haters - I will refer to Harry’s album as “PINK” throughout.

Melody!  There are ten good, fully developed melodies in an era where a four note hook combined with a bass loop is thought to constitute a song.  Really, there are more than ten, Sign of the Times has three distinct melodies, seamlessly woven together.  (On an intellectual level, I understand that some people don’t think melody is the most important element of music.  On a gut level, I just don’t get it.  Melody is it for me.)  I’ve listened to PINK straight through hundreds of times.  The  beauty and quality present in every song, nearly every moment never fails to impress.  I’ve never really been an album guy, because, even among my favorite artists, at least half of the songs seem there just to take up space.  (I used to make mix tapes, back in the day.)  With PINK, I feel that every song has real merit and is fully worthy of it’s place.    Harry’s voice (which I have always really loved - even X-Factor era) and vocal technique have reached a superlative level.  I think Harry is at absolutely peak performance, and it’s a beautiful thing to behold.  The instrumentation and arrangements are breathtaking.  Even the angry Kiwi has deep beauty and avoids shrill, unpleasant sounds, often found in hard rock.  For those who are willing to look below the surface, PINK’s honesty, vulnerability and frankness are noteworthy.  I feel that Harry is speaking directly to me and the album is providing a window into his soul - into his humanity.  PINK grapples with internal conflicts omnipresent in the human condition, good and evil, love and hate, selfishness and sacrifice.  I am very confident that PINK will sound just as good 20, or 30 years from now - it won’t ever become stale, or sound dated.  Some wished for a more cohesive album, but for me, the variety makes it really hard to grow bored of PINK.  I was infatuated with the album from the start.  As time goes on, my love for it only deepens.

This ended up getting pretty long - track by track under the cut.

Meet Me in the Hallway was a bit dreary to me at first.  Now I find myself absorbed in it.  The aching and longing, the vulnerability, the pain - it all feels so close, honest and real.  The repetition of  “gotta get better” is slightly irritating to my ear - for that reason, I will occasionally skip the track.  I do wonder, however, if that irritation was intentional - meant to provoke some unease in the listener.  The guitar part on this song is achingly beautiful, as is Harry’s voice.

Sign of the Times is a masterpiece by any measure.  Sea pointed out how difficult it is to sing this song in a way to do it any justice.  Precious few artists could pull it off.  Every time I hear it, the song transports me - it lifts me out of myself.  The rich, full sound and deft combination of three distinct melodies is no small feat.  Guitar slides, strings, gospel choirs - it could so easily be overblown, or too grandiose, but it strike the perfect balance.  The song moves at a stately sixty beats per minute.  I would imagine this is very close to Harry’s resting heart rate.  There is nothing rushed - every moment is given it’s full due.  Also, I am of the old fashioned belief that art should be beautiful.  Every second of SotT is achingly beautiful and I love it.

Carolina is great fun and incredibly clever.  May artists try to be “edgy,” or “cool” by referencing drugs.  Carolina recreates in music what I imagine it would feel like to be high on coke.  (I’ve been around people who were jacked up before.)  The manic “la la la la la la la la’s,” the fuzzy sensation, “she feels so good!”  If you listen carefully, Harry sings it as if he is in a slight haze - king of nuance, as always.  The metaphor is nothing short of brilliant - “get’s into parties without invitation” -  “she feels so good.”  Layers of sound, particularly on the second verse, are extraordinary.  This song gives you the same kind of sugar rush a hit pop song can deliver, but backs it up with plenty of vitamins and protein, so you don’t get that “sugar low” and grow tired of it.  

Two Ghosts has some of the most compelling word images - “Fridge light washes this room white,” for one.  It’s a deceptively simple, easy to sing song, but a lot of artist would turn out a boring rendition.  The album version is lovely, but the performance he did, just Harry and his guitar, was breathtaking.  Once again, we have deep vulnerability and profound honesty.  I do wish he had done the vocal “ooo’s” on the album version.  We’ve all seen how hyper aware Harry is of his surroundings.  He stared right at the camera trying to snag a sneaky snap.  He spots people, way up in the nosebleed seats, trying to leave early and gently chastises them.  He’s too finely tuned of an instrument to handle fireworks easily.  I believe he is much more aware of all his senses than the average person.  Touch, taste, sight, sound - he sculpts and paints with his music.

Sweet Creature is a song I will often skip back and repeat as once through just isn’t enough.  It’s not a sugary, or fairy tale version of love, but honest, vulnerable, real.  “Runnin through the garden, oh when nothing bothered us,” paints such a beautiful picture.  “Sweet Creature” is such and odd phrase and yet conveys such warmth and deep connection for Louis another person.  Harry’s voice brings an incredible warmth to this song - a warmth utterly unique to his quite distinctive voice.  Again, it takes great artistry to impart such feeling on a relatively simple song, like this.  The guitar part is certainly inspired by the Beatles’ Blackbird, but any similarity ends there, in my opinion.  For my ear, Sweet Creature is a better song - it moves me in a way Blackbird never could.

Only Angel sets up a beautiful dichotomy.  The angelic, SotT inspired, into and outro envelop the hard rock interior.  The contrast intentionally reinforces the song’s story.  Harry’s voice doesn’t quite have the anger, or hardness one might expect at on a first listen - the warmth in his voice was very intentional.  The angel (which is Harry himself) is also a devil between the sheets.  Mother (authority figure) doesn’t approve of how the angel presents “herself.”  Harry loves attention and the stage, but hates fame.  He’s good and kind, but also has a dirty side.  (I could go on and on, but I’ve  written on my OA interpretation extensively, ages ago.)  A plus for using a flawed angel as a metaphor for himself - brilliant.  The melody is catchy as hell - it’s a “bop” and great fun to hear, but there’s so much meat it’s almost ridiculous.  The sound is rich and beautiful throughout and I love that he brings back the angelic sound to close it out.

Kiwi has so little movement in the melody, yet it works beautifully - somehow, it’s still a great melody and hard to get out of your head.  The instrumentation is angry and hard, yet rich, full and pleasant to the ear.  Harry’s voice has just the right amount of anger and derision.  “She” is Simon Cowell.  She tempts the boys with fame and fortune, but she’s hollow inside.  It’s an angry song, but it feels so good, joyful even, to hear it.  Harry’s stage performance reveals how cathartic it is to finally tell Simon what he thinks of him - in front of a massive audience.  I love Kiwi so much, I’ve made the most raucous chorus into a ringtone on my phone.  “Oh I think she said, “I’m having your baby” [heyyyy] “it’s none of your business” [hoooo......]  Harry has such a great, raspy rock voice - it really isn’t fair.

Ever Since New York sounds like some combination of Bruce Springsteen and the Statler Brothers.  The accompaniment is beautiful and rich with a really great, solid melody.  Harry’s vocalization suggests someone who is TIRED and DONE with the situation.  “Tell me something, tell me something new.  Don’t know nothing, just pretend you do...” is sung as a plea - a plea devoid of any hope of being answered.  Harry is vulnerable, broken and through putting up a front, or playing games.

Woman has been compared to Elton John’s Bennie and the Jets a lot - way too much, in my opinion.  There are similarities in the structure of the song, but Woman has a completely different sound.  I like a lot of John’s music, but when he sings “B-B-B-Bennie” he squeaks like a rusty hinge.  Harry sings “W-W-W-Woman” in a different key and melody (and with a deep, pleasant vocal.)  “Selfish I know...”  It’s one of the best jealousy songs I’ve ever heard.  He knows he’s selfish - knows it’s wrong, but can’t help his feelings.  I love Harry’s unflinching look at the darker side of human nature and wholly realistic view of his own failings.  Woman has a very good melody and those little “la-la la-la la-la la-la’s” give it just the zest in needs.

From the Dining Table might just be too honest.  While the artistry was immediately apparent, I was a little slow to warm up to this song, because it’s a bit depressing.  He sings about masturbating as a distraction to his pain and loneliness (and some said the album wasn’t honest enough!)  This song is pure vulnerability.  It’s arranged with such simplicity and great restraint.  (Harry understands the beauty of restraint, you can hear it in If I Could Fly.)  This is another song which must be sung with great artistry, to prevent it being dull.  The addition of strings and lovely female harmonies (”maybe one day you’ll call me...”) is a master stroke.  I am perplexed as to why he didn’t have Sarah and Clair sing the harmonies on tour.  Beautiful, beautiful song, but it is still a bit depressing - as it was meant to be.  Harry loves angst and drama.

Speaking of restraint, Harry has a habit of doing just enough, but never too much (nuance again.)  He changes vocal inflection and flavor with ease, but never adds gratuitous vocal embellishment.  Harry is quite capable of singing runs and all sorts of vocal gymnastics, but chooses a simple, restrained beauty.  (Sometimes, less is more.)  He maintains this restrained discipline in the accompaniment, as well.  PINK is a rock album, but also so much more.  In ten, or twenty years it will still sound fresh - and I think more people will realize what a masterpiece it truly is.

[chaos-of-the-abyss]

[Death Note] Near: Anime vs. Manga Potrayals

I love Death Note. But, I have to admit that when it comes to the anime and the manga, the latter has my preference. This is for several reasons, primarily that it adds more detail, but another crucial point in which I favor the manga over the anime is Near's portrayal. I didn't think much of it at first, but when I read the manga, I couldn't help noticing just how different of an impression that Near made on me, as opposed to his anime counterpart. The more I thought about this, the more hate I saw Near get in the fandom, the more it bugged me.

Of course, there will always be those people who hate Near just for existing, pretty much, but the most common reason I saw for disliking Near was that "he was too emotionless", and "a boring, dull character. As I also found, many people who believed that also had not read the manga.

I have to say, unfortunately; in my experience, the anime's portrayal of Near did make him seem like such unless you dug really, really deep - almost irritatingly so. When I first watched the anime, I was on Near's side. For one thing, I found his emotionless persona to be cool and unique from most heroes in any series. For another, I really, really wanted to see Kira die, so...yeah. Despite this more favorable opinion of him, after I finished the anime, my love for Near was nowhere near (Death Note and its endless puns) what it is now.

In contrast, after I read the manga, I found myself much more invested in Near as a person. As I read the manga, layer after layer was added to the character of Nate River; by the end of it, Near was on the road to his current position as one of my favorite characters in any fictional work to date. After doing more analysis on him and discussing him with other DN fans on Quotev (thank you so much to all of those who analyze Death Note with me, I have so much fun during our debates about it and I've learned a lot of things), my adoration only increased. If I have to rank him in my favorite fictional characters (and believe me, I'm familiar with a lot of fiction, be it games, manga, anime, books, visual novels, you name it), Near would definitely be in my top ten.

I love that boy.

To put things in perspective, I'll begin with a list of similarities between Near's anime and manga portrayal (and I'm obviously speaking characteristics, not physical appearance):

1. His puzzle/toys obsession

2. His antisocial nature and complete lack of life skills

To be honest, that's pretty much all that I can recall that remains nearly identical between the anime version and manga version of Near.

Now, let's get into the differences.

1. His intelligence

Yes; Near is a clear genius in both the anime and the manga. However, the manga shows more examples of this. For one thing, Near's extremely complex explanations in the manga are nearly paragraphs of text long. The anime never shows him giving any such detailed analyses, which is probably part of the reason why there are those who complain that Near gets too much plot armor. For example, the infamous "figuring out who X-Kira is scene": I have to say, the anime utterly failed in that, if you ask me. The scene blatantly seems like filler and just completely unrealistic. I mean really - Near's eyes lighting up like his superpowers are being charged and hyperspace blurring behind him? Yeah...no. I can understand why that seems like plot armor. In contrast, the manga actually bothers to thoroughly explain Near's thought process and the evidence backing up his conclusion.

Also, there are two plans of Near's that are cut out from the anime (that I can remember):

- His plan to get the mafia to return the Death Note (if I remember correctly): (Confession time - I forgot the contents of this plan, aside from it requiring Light to pose as L and threaten the mafia somehow.) Obviously, coming up with plans takes intelligence, but Near appears to come up with this strategy on-the-spot, making it all the more impressive. Light cracks his own plan (that gets his dad killed, so touching) so it becomes immaterial, but it still shows the levels of Near's intelligence.

- His plan to get a member of the Task Force on his side: A.K.A. we see how badass Near is. He requests that a member of the Task Force meet with the SPK in person - that member turns out to be Mogi. As they talk, Demegawa unleashes the mob on the SPK's headquarters, cueing the "drop the money from the sky" scene. Now, this was a failed plan of Light's to take out Near and the SPK, but not only does Near counter this plan - he actually uses it for his own benefit. He orders Mogi to be bound and gagged to prevent him from making any noise, and when the Task Force contacts them to ask if everyone is safe, Near lies straight to their faces and says Mogi had a heart attack on the way to their new base - meaning, Kira is aware that Mogi is in the SPK's hands and is trying to prevent him from giving any information. Naturally, the only ones who know this are the Task Force and the SPK, which means that Kira is among the two groups. This is what ultimately leads Aizawa to ally himself with the SPK - the suspicion towards Light that reblossomed thanks to Near's machinations.

2. His snarkiness

So, in both the anime and the manga, Near has some snarky moments, though significantly more in the manga. However, in my opinion, the anime left out the most significant snark from Near in the series. When Light comments that the SPK members all died despite Near's best efforts (this was after Sayu's kidnapping, where Mello acquires the Death Note and kills most of the SPK), Near replies, "Yes...I was somewhat prepared for this the moment you handed over the notebook, but it sure does hurt." He throws the implied insult back at Light's face (who is the placeholder of L at that point in time). Near shows more willingness to take the initiative and be a little more aggressive in the manga (given the fact he snarked off at L the Second). In fact, the second one of the plans cut out of the manga that I mentioned earlier also shows this difference between anime and manga Near.

And now, we arrive at what is my biggest problem with Near's anime portrayal -

3. His humanity

I can actually understand why anime-only people saw Near as a soulless robot. The anime does not provide any show of emotion from him whatsoever unless you dig ridiculous deep into the situation to the point where you almost feel like you're reading too much into things. Near is not a robot - he is a human being, and on a human being, this is simply unrealistic. On the other hand, the manga cleverly throws in subtle nuances that lead you to question and analyze Near's softer sides without directly showing them to you. It adds a much more interesting spin to his character and makes you question what exactly caused him to become the way he is - all in all, the manga's portrayal makes Near much more interesting than the anime's.

Let's begin.

- The mass murder of most of the SPK

Alright, so Mello writes all the names of the SPK that he has access to, promptly killing them. In the anime, Near simply sits in his chair with a stone-cold expression, and doesn't look at all concerned as his colleagues literally fall to the ground, dead, around him. By contrast, in the manga, he actually looks pained. From the way his gaze is intently focused on the dice structure and his bothered expression, it's almost as if he doesn't want to look. Obviously, this makes for a much more relatable and realistic character in the eyes of the audience - showing visible pain at the death of his coworkers. It also makes you begin to think about Near's character specifically because he seemed so emotionless. We're introduced to Near and see how devoid of feeling he seems to be the first few chapters of his appearance, and then bam - he's clearly upset as his colleagues die. At least for me, it got me thinking about Near's more human sides

- His interactions with his subordinates

Near's interactions with the members of the SPK remain largely the same in the manga and the anime. In my opinion, though, two important scenes were cut out from the anime that adds a lot more to Near's character. For one, there's the scene where Near disbands the SPK officially and explains that they'll now have to operate as an underground organization. He goes on to warn his subordinates of how dangerous their positions will be should they choose to continue under his lead, as he will keep trying to catch Kira. This is significant to me because he actually offers them a way out. Going even further, he admits that he's afraid - "I'm scared, so I'm not going outside". This ability to understand and sympathize with the possible fears of those who work under him adds yet another layer of complexity to Near - he prefers to seem almost inhuman and strange and his behavior, but has no trouble admitting to a very human quality - fear. I should also add that this line is refreshingly vulnerable in a way, meaning that Near is close enough to and trusts his subordinates enough to drop the facade at least a little.

It also displays his capability to see through and grasp the perspective of others emotionally and not just pragmatically. This is something that I find Light, and to a lesser extent, L, to be lacking in. They can both accurately predict the next moves of their opponents by putting themselves in their foe's tactical situation and practical mindset, much like Near. However, unlike Near, they fail to do the same when it comes to more sentiment-based areas.

And the other interaction is when Near admits that Mello is dangerous, but he also remarks on his belief that his subordinates will be fine. "That may very well happen. But I have faith in your excellent skills."

As you can tell from this quote, Near praises his subordinates for their abilities. Unlike L or Light, who use the Task Force/Kira followers like chess pieces almost all of the time, Near allows his subordinates some freedom in their actions. Notice that he doesn't tell them exactly what to do should Mello try something - he simply states that people of their caliber will be able to get out of a difficult situation. This is very different from the condescending way that L and Light tend to treat people working under them. The Task Force/Kira's followers are older than L and Light, yet they treat them like children because they know that their intelligence is inferior in comparison to their own. This shows a blatant lack of respect. In contrast, Near, despite knowing this, respects his subordinates and holds them in high enough regard to give them free reign over such things. It may also be influenced by the fact that Near is aware that despite his ingenuity, he is still a teenage boy and his subordinates likely have more general life experience than he does. And we as humans tend to hold the opinions of our elders in high regard.

- His words about L

In the anime, Near doesn't say much about L at all. There's barely anything suggesting that he feels any kind of attachment to L - in fact, it seems as though he actually doesn't see L as all that great. In the manga, however, either Aizawa or Mogi calls Near out on his use of borderline illegal methods. His response is, "For Mello and I, L is the only person we adore, and the only person who deserves our respect. And the one person we respected was killed by Kira, so we're willing to use any methods necessary to defeat him...don't you think it's only natural for us to feel that way?"

This quote proves two things about Near. First, he did respect L. Second, it reflects on his humanity once again. Near is basically saying that it's only natural for himself and Mello to want revenge on Kira for killing the one person they respect. The desire for revenge is also a very human trait, and the fact that Near shows a deeper understanding of such matters says a lot about him.

- Speaking of everyone's contributions

In the anime, Near states that his victory is thanks to Mello. In the manga, he elaborates upon this, giving credit to the people who had a hand in defeating Kira and placing special emphasis on Mello - basically, he's indirectly thanking all of them. This is already interesting in itself, but what really stood out to me is the way Near dismisses any contribution he made to the case. Even though he provided the backbone for the defeat of Kira during Death Note's second arc (without his initial plan, nothing anyone else did would have meant jack shit), he gives himself no credit. He seems to place more value on his gratefulness towards the others for helping him rather than savoring the feeling of his own success, which is, to me, an admirable trait.

- His reaction when Light tries to write his name on a scrap of the Death Note

Light, sneaky little bastard that he is, managed to write 'Nate Rive' on the scrap of Death Note paper that he had hidden in his watch. One more letter and Near would have...you know, died. The thought is too painful.

We never do see Near's reaction to this in the anime, which I found almost offensive. Seriously, Near almost died and his reaction to his brush with the grim reaper isn't even shown? By contrast, the manga shows that he's alarmed. Though he regains his composure within the next few seconds, the single panel of his shocked expression was all that we needed. It's very understandable, as a human being, to fear death. The fact that Near showed surprise at the very least when he came close to meeting his end makes him more relatable.

And finally...

- Eating chocolate at the end of the manga

When working with the Task Force to solve a new case some time after Light's death, Near is seen playing with his toys and...eating a bar of chocolate. For one thing, this is an obvious way to honor and remember Mello. This alone is touching, as it shows that Near really does miss Mello and wish that he hadn't perished.

But recently, a friend of mine pointed something out that I hadn't thought about before (I love hearing her theories about Death Note, they're always so insightful and well thought-out, not to mention that talking to her is just enjoyable in general). Chocolate is a commonly known stress reliever, and Near is now the new L. Him eating chocolate at the end of the manga, in his new position, could be signifying that he is, understandably, like any sane person would be, stressed out. He now has to bear a considerable burden on his shoulders for the rest of his life as the new World's Greatest Detective.

So, there we have it, my rant analysis on my problems with the anime's portrayal of Near. Overall, the manga just made Near a more complex and interesting character. Thanks for reading.

[remainingso]

So last weekend I went crazy and watched Justice League and Thor: Ragnarok in the same day, which mostly meant I had a killer headache at the end of the day, but also now I have a lot of Thoughts about these movies. Mostly about how they use humour, since a lot of my other thoughts have been articulated in better ways by other people. 

Okay so I’m really only comparing the two movies because I watched them back to back, and also I think because the comparison elucidates an interesting point re: humour and superhero movies in general. The tldr: Justice League tried really really really hard to be funny and the jokes were fine, but felt mostly grafted on/undermined existing things in the franchise; the humour in Ragnarok worked surprisingly well for me (a person who generally dislikes movies built on Wacky Space Hijinks, see my unwavering distaste for Guardians of the Galaxy despite everyone and their mothers telling me it’s wonderful) and I think it’s because it feels like a necessary and ingrained part of the movie. 

Spoilers under the read more

SO 

Largely, the humour in Justice League is disparate from the drama of the movie. People make quips at each other, or Barry makes a weird non-sequitur and we laugh at him, I, uh, actually am struggling to remember any of the jokes that cropped up as I type this now, tbh, which probably shows you how pointless most of them were. It...quite frankly reeks of Joss Whedon+the kind of humour in the Avengers. Characters all standing in a circle quipping at each other + big action scenes where some heroes get off a couple of one-liners that are simultaneously funny and Cool, big finale finish, yay! 

Which isn’t necessarily bad, but given the general tone of the DCEU so far, it felt ridiculously out of place. Especially since a lot of the movie isn’t devoid of the more Snyder-y elements (see: slow motion montage of Shitty Things Happening In The World like a Muslim shopkeeper being yelled at because Racism Is Bad and a homeless man sitting with an incredibly on the nose sign that reads ‘I tried’ (like. really??? really????)). So what the weird quippy humour mostly does is just break the atmosphere of seriousness the rest of the movie is clearly trying to achieve. It feels both grandiose and nonchalant, which aren’t tones that mix very well. 

So what struck me as really amazing in Ragnarok was that it was hilarious and the jokes worked really well to tie into our understanding of Thor’s character arc throughout the movie. 

I’ve never liked Thor as a character, by which I mean I thought he was funny and an interesting foil for Loki, the longtime Fave, but when my brother asked me who my favourite Ragnarok character was, I surprised myself when my answer was Thor himself. Not Loki, cunning petty snake of my heart. Not Valkyrie, badass Hot Mess in all sense of the word ‘hot’. But. Thor. And the more I thought about it, the more I think it was because what Ragnarok did really well was render Thor utterly powerless and letting us see what becomes of him after that. 

I’ve always thought that the one way to make me like a character I didn’t before is to take away all their power, and this is basically what happens here. What was really clever, though, I think, is how they did it. Namely, through humour. A lot of the humour in Ragnarok is slapstick. I...lost count of how many times Thor passed out. And furthermore, a lot of the jokes come from undermining Thor’s ego and making him look stupid (see: the teleportation w/Dr. Strange, him getting knocked around by the Hulk, everyone being all “God of Thunder who??????”). There’s this one scene when Thor’s in Hulk’s sweet apartment and he’s kicking stuff around, and his answer to what’s wrong is just that he’s pissed. 

He’s mad that Asgard is dying, and he’s stuck in this alien planet that should normally be a piece of cake for him to handle, and he can’t do anything. 

And then you slowly realize that you’ve been complicit. We feel his powerlessness and shame and frustration more strongly because we’ve been engaging it throughout the movie by laughing at him. 

I don’t think the humour in Justice League isn’t well done. I think it’s genuinely very funny. It was vastly entertaining to sit through. I laughed when Aquaman spilled his secrets accidentally because he was lasso’d, I laughed at all of Barry’s antics, but like a lot of other humourous movies, I never thought they built up to anything in particular, because they don’t really have to. 

But I was really blown away by how nuanced the humour is in Ragnarok, because it has so much lasting power, because it made me love Thor more than I ever thought was possible. Also notably the first Thor movie did take away his powers, but all their jokes were built on, well, how ridiculous of a human Thor is, because Thor is a fucking powerhouse of a human. So he didn’t have his powers, but more importantly, his reputation with the audience is firmly intact. His frustration doesn’t ring as strongly. In Ragnarok, we get a whole slew of people who best Thor, not necessarily through physical means, but systemically, the entire movie’s structure is working against him, and so are we as the audience. How do you bring a god of thunder to his knees? You laugh at him. 

[thetrashbang]

Officer Benny and Characterisation in Stealth

There's a very special NPC in Thief II: The Metal Age. In the dimly-lit games room of the Truart Estate, surrounded by the discarded playing cards and abandoned dartboards of the recent party held by the Sheriff and his debaucherous toff friends, a lone drunken City Watch officer disconnectedly rambles to the barmaid on duty. His name is Officer Benny, and I love him.

"I can't believe that s-some (hic) taffer went and spilled mead all over that rug!" he yells as you approach unseen, his model swaying unsteadily in a dramatic display of intoxication. The barmaid, clearly worn out by a harrowing work shift, sighs wearily.

"Benny... you spilled the mead on the rug," she explains patiently. "Anyway, someone is on the way to clean it up already."

"But you don't understaaand!" Benny wails, now clearly, inexplicably on the verge of tears. "These (hic) taffers have no respect for such... b-beautiful things!"

Around this point, it’s likely that you’ll start to tune out and skulk around in the gloom, looking for the telltale glint of loot to funnel into your pockets. Stacks of coins and rings litter the gaming tables, tempting you to sneak a hand under the hanging lamps. One of Karras’s Children—a hunchbacked steam-powered automaton with a head like a brass football —clanks around the room, mindlessly praising its creator to the heavens. It’s not much of a threat, but it’s certainly an annoying little contraption. One water arrow to the boiler grate usually does the trick.

"Benny, I think you've had too much to drink. Aren't you supposed to be on duty?"

“Hah. So what if I am, huh?” he says, sounding more than a little defensive. “Anyways, I work mm-better when I’m drunk. It makes me fearless! If I see a bad guy, I’ll just point my sword at him, and saaaaaay… HEY, BAD GUY!”

You freeze, momentarily worried you’ve been spotted trying to snaffle the discarded goblet from beside the fireplace. Benny continues with his charade, utterly oblivious.

“You’re not s’posed to be here! G-go home or I’ll stick you with my sword ‘til you go ‘Ouch, I’m dead!’ Ah-hah-hah-hurgh!” He makes an indescribable sniffing, gurgling, chuckling noise, and momentarily falls silent. “See? Ain’t no one gonna be messin’ with ol’ Benny.”

“Whatever, Benny. I think you should sleep it off. No more mead for you.”

In the grand scheme of things, it’s a fairly trivial exchange: it doesn’t tie into some larger arc, it doesn’t impart any useful information about objectives or security system vulnerabilities, and neither Officer Benny nor the barmaid will ever be seen again. Benny’s emotional ping-ponging is unconvincing at best, and while his delivery certainly isn’t lacking in vigour, the only character in the room with exceptional voice acting is Garrett, the Master Thief; the one surreptitiously pocketing everyone’s gambling winnings during this exchange. And yet, Benny’s rambling accomplishes something very special. It’s the perfect, emblematic example of a quality present throughout the Thief games; one that shapes how we approach them, and in turn, the experiences they provide.

Thief II gives you a sword. Not a discreet little knife, fit for a slippery cutthroat, but a proper blade; the kind for lopping off soldiers’ limbs on a muddy, arrow-strewn embankment. It’s a silent acknowledgement that you may have to kill men, not in a surprise scuffle where you jump them from behind the bins, but in a full-on fight with multiple assailants. It’s the kind of thing you defend yourself with when things are rapidly going downhill and there’s nowhere to run; a tool for when the halls are filled with the sounds of alarm bells and clattering jackboots. In the right hands it can be quite effective, and it’s entirely possible to hack n’ slash your way through a legion of aggravated soldiers, provided they’re courteous enough to approach you in a narrow corridor or something.

Something doesn’t add up here, does it? Stealth needs reasons for you to stealth, so to speak. There have to be incentives to keep you in hiding, and those incentives usually start with some sort of punishment for being caught. You’re supposed to be outmatched and outgunned, or at the very least, have some higher-level motive for not wanting to be seen. If Garrett can accomplish his goals by going where he pleases and stabbing everyone who looks at him the wrong way, what’s stopping him, really?

Well, it’s kind of a dick thing to do, of course, but gamers have never been above murdering NPCs for slightly inconveniencing them. It’s also a flat-out fail state on many missions if you attempt them on a higher difficulty setting, but by the time you get around to them you’ve almost certainly put the idea out of your head long ago in any case. Dishonored, Thief’s darling modern protégé, would invisibly bump up the Chaos meter—a hidden metric that determines whether Corvo’s been naughty or nice—but Thief itself has no such system, and other than occasionally dropping remarks along the lines of “remember, murdering people is for poser scrublords”, does little to impress upon you the moral wrongness of your actions. A corpse is functionally identical to an unconscious body—indeed, were it not for a single line of HUD text, they’d be impossible to differentiate at all—and sure, people might be a bit more screamy if you clobber them over the head with a blade rather than a blackjack, but what does that matter if you’ve already established you’re not interested in being quiet?

No, Thief II chooses instead to work with characterisation. Who, of the people you encounter throughout its missions, are your enemies? Not the tired watchmen trudging through the halls on a cold evening; not the harmless peasants, trying to prosper in an industrial revolution even as it crushes them between its wheels; not even the Mechanist underlings, suckered into a fad cult and set to work fulfilling Karras’s insane agenda. Your foes are far away, clinking glasses in rooms full of light and music, and most of them will never meet you face-to-face. What direct quarrel do you have with the guards who patrol the game’s moody locales, besides the fact that they’re between you and your goal?

Right. They’re not your enemies, so Thief doesn’t characterise them as enemies. Engendering sympathy to discourage murdering NPCs is hardly a novel concept, but Thief’s approach stands out, primarily because it’s less about pre-emptive guilting and more about subtle humanisation. While you creep around behind their backs, guards will hum, whistle, recite passages, moan about the cold, mumble to themselves, even wonder aloud when they’re getting dinner. You’ll find guards cracking jokes, trash-talking each other’s employers, discussing financial management, complaining about the weather, worrying about being replaced by the new-fangled mechanical eyes, and a thousand other ordinary things totally unrelated to the here-and-now of their work shift. They’re not goose-stepping around shouting “boy, I sure hope nobody stabs me in the back while I’m pacing back and forth, how would my wife and three children ever survive on the streets without a loving father like me?”; they’re just… well, bored, usually. Wouldn’t it be terrible to have to cut down a person like that, just because they made the mistake of investigating some footsteps a little too closely? Thief makes you want to stay unseen, not for your own sake, but for the sake of those who might see you.

And Officer Benny? He’s the epitome of this humanisation. Not only is he drunk, chatty, skiving off work and chewing the scenery with an unprecedented level of unhinged abandon, but through his babbling, he offers an insight into his attitude. There’s no black, tarry pit of hatred boiling away somewhere in him, fuelled by some personal vendetta, waiting to bubble over in fury at the sight of a wayward miscreant; he’s just doing what he’s supposed to. Benny sees himself as the cop in the proverbial cops and robbers: a figure of authority in a simplistic world, out to stop the scoundrels and ruffians in a game where everyone mutually agrees on the rules. His inebriated cry of “HEY, BAD GUY! You’re not s’posed to be here!” is born of this position, announcing what he sees as incontestable truths, spoken more out of convention than anything else. And what’s his ultimatum? Go home, or get stabbed. Go home. Even faced with someone absolutely, undeniably in the wrong, in his morally black-and-white world, his first thought is of telling them to scarper; to leave peacefully, without accountability or interrogation. He’s not smart, or nuanced, or even—if you catch his attention—particularly true to his word, but Officer Benny’s attitude is charming in its simplistic naivety, devoid of real malice or antagonistic ideals. For that, I could no more swing my sword at him than kick a puppy, and that’s why he holds Thief II’s formula together—along with countless other watchmen, guards and Mechanists.

Thanks, Benny. I hope your hangover wasn’t too rough.

[valerie]

TWITL – week fifty-two – when you don’t know what day it is

It’s that time of year when you’re not sure what day of the week it is. Or at least for me. I decided that instead of one whole big chuck of time off during winter break, I’d make two long weekends of five days each. As I begin this, I’m at the first day of my second long weekend.

Xmas trees at the park

I last posted on Christmas, which was a lazy sort of day that ended at one of our locals for drinks and dinner. Going in to work the next day was odd but I had plenty of time to do my work. I worked a half day on Friday, which was even odder. We were pretty much a skeleton crew both days and it was nice and quiet in my building. After work on Friday, I went to see a movie!

Knives Out – I very much enjoyed this movie. I love murder mysteries and trying to figure out what actually happened. The performances were all stellar and of course, I loved watching Chris Evans. I used to have a big thing for him and now it’s quite settled. I still think he’s dreamy and in this movie, he was rather dreamy. Lovely Chris Evans aside, the movie was a great watch and a definite recommendation…

my latest piece from 1888 Design

Much to the chagrin of the hubby, I went on a sort of online shopping spree during this winter break. Among my recent purchases: another lovely piece from 1888 Design (I cannot resist a sale), a Tyler Rich t-shirt (to complete my current collection of Tyler t-shirts), a t-shirt and tour book from Jack Whitehall‘s online store, a new computer, a pendant that’s The Witcher themed, and Bath and Body Works stuff. The first three orders were made before Christmas and the first two arrived before the holiday (joyous!). I didn’t expect the Jack stuff to arrive too soon because they were coming from Great Britain and I had no idea how long it would take to get to me. I had no way to track the order, having only gotten notification when it was sent off. So imagine my great surprise when the mail arrived on Friday afternoon and my Jack stuff was one of the deliveries!

new stuff

The t-shirt fits nicely and the tour book is super lovely. It’s bound like a graphic novel and the pages are thick. I was so delighted for the delivery and it arrived sooner than I expected, which was a wonderful surprise. The tour book is a fun read, filled with pictures from Travels with My Father and other things, an interview with Jack, and writings from his parents.

something new

RANDOM FANGIRL THOUGHTS

I never did post that “break up” letter to that one Listworthy of mine. Do I just not want to post that kind of negativity? Has my regard finally turned to a sort of indifference? I’m not sure. Maybe so. My better nature has finally soothed away enough of the bitterness and I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t care if my former Listworthy has decided to trust a backstabbing hypocrite. Okay, maybe I haven’t quite gotten over it.

The following resonated with me (emphasis mine):

“I don’t need to tell anybody here, we live in a moment where everything immediately seems to default to outrage,” Abrams continued. “There’s a kind of M.O. of just either ‘It’s either exactly as I see it or you’re my enemy.’ … It’s a crazy thing that there is such a norm that seems to be devoid of nuance and compassion — and this is not about Star Wars, this is about everything. Compassion and acceptance … We knew, starting this, any decision we made—a design decision, a musical decision, a narrative decision—would please someone and infuriate someone else.”

JJ Abrams responds to criticism of The Rise of Skywalker, says you can’t please everyone

I know the notion that I fangirl over shows and artists can be considered an odd thing at my age but I’ve accepted the fact that this is what I am. So I do understand when fans are protective over the characters or stories that they love. What I do not understand is the venom spewed by these so called “fans” when an adaptation or plot course has deviated in some way from their own personal vision of the characters or stories. Do they think the version they conjured in their head is the only true version? Do they think that others cannot have just as valid a version? What if the actual creator of the stories actually approves of the adaptation, do the fans dismiss and disregard this? I understand a thoughtful debate on quality and comparison of source material vs an adaptation. What I don’t understand is the default to outrage and the blind insistence to not see another side.

And then it’s hard when you love something someone you know has decided to hate.

I’ve found myself self-censoring my social media and to some extent my blog in regards to showing love towards something new I’m fangirling because someone I know has been vocal to hating it. I don’t directly engage but I’ve been trying not to post too much about loving it in consideration of this person who quite vehemently and quite venomously HATES this new thing that I love. I feel that if I post this thing that I love, the person who hates it will take it as a personal attack when it’s not. It’s just me loving this new thing. The hateful venom saddens me but I don’t take it personally. So then why don’t I just share my love? Why am I putting so much thought into not offending this one person when this one person obviously doesn’t care who is offended?

Jack in Brighton

WRITING

“I’ll Dream of You Again” – The re-write is going SLOW on this story but it is plodding along. It’s a bit hard to add new bits and then try to re-write previous bits that end up contradicting the new bits. I still love the story A LOT so I’m going to keep writing it. Maybe I’ll even let people read it someday. It’s utterly ridiculous so it might just be for me for awhile…

already time for a re-watch or at least lots of screencaps…

RANDOM OTHER THOUGHTS

It’s a little strange to think we’re heading in to the 20s. When I was growing up, I used to think, “How old will I be when 2000 hits?” or “How old will I turn in 2000?” Now, it’s very strange to realize that 2000 is nearly twenty years ago. I can’t remember every turn of the new year but I do remember what I was doing when it went from 1999 to 2000– I was walking down the hall to leave work as I had to work swing shift that December night, 1600 hrs to midnight. A few weeks later, I’d be in Pasadena for a Hercules/Xena convention and I’d meet Ryan Gosling again. It would also be the last time I’d see Kevin Smith (“Ares”). Twenty years ago seems like a long time and then not…

Kevin Tod Smith… such a beautiful man…

What adventures await in 2020? Will I finally declare Jack Whitehall a Listworthy? What story will I write for November? What concerts will I attend and will I get a photo with someone I adore from afar? Will Tyler Rich get that number one song? Will I finally get my next tattoo and if so, what will it be? Will I finally post that “break-up” letter? Will another fella catch my eye?

I’m not one for resolutions but this time of year, I do take the time to assess where I am in life and what I might want to adjust to achieve better balance. Even though there’s an abundance of negativity out there and reality is a bit of a crap show, I believe there is enough beauty and light out there to see us through and that’s my focus. I’ve learned not to react or engage directly with certain things, instead opting with venting privately with people who are of the same mind. When I post on social media, I prefer to keep it light and happy and loving. Of course, that doesn’t mean I’m not aware. I am. I just choose to ignore it because life is too short to dwell on other people’s negativity. It’s fun to talk shit about it but those are for private moments. Just because someone wants to spew venom doesn’t mean I must engage. So I don’t. I turn instead to the things that make me happy…

Rey & Superman – last ones standing…

If you made it this far, cool beans! Thanks for reading my rambling thoughts. Now go on and do something that brings you joy. Here’s to a lovely end to 2019 and a 2020 filled with amazing adventures. CHEERS!

from TWITL – week fifty-two – when you don’t know what day it is

[realizeunlimited]

Realize Why does it matter to free yourself from some of your beliefs?     Most beliefs that are composing our belief systems originated from the meaning we gave events that occurred in our lives. Once we attribute a certain meaning and hold a belief about the world or ourselves as the Truth we consistently seek evidence to prove this belief true. Before...

New Post has been published on http://realizeunlimited.com/beliefs/

Why does it matter to free yourself from some of your beliefs?

    Most beliefs that are composing our belief systems originated from the meaning we gave events that occurred in our lives. Once we attribute a certain meaning and hold a belief about the world or ourselves as the Truth we consistently seek evidence to prove this belief true. Before we know it, these beliefs integrate the background of our daily thoughts. Imperceptibly, we build our entire approach to life and mindset around these beliefs.

  Some of these beliefs can be painfully restricting and confine us into unnecessary fears. Some even say that FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. We are utterly convinced the world is a certain way. We continuously supplement this belief with what we hold for evidence, shut down all other possibilities and it becomes a cognitive bias.

  As open-minded as we would like to think we are we all have biases. They are the result of an automatized association. This way we process a massive number of pieces of information faster. It is a natural way our brain has to form conclusions. The only problem is that when there is a bias, the conclusion is slightly or hugely slanted. The only way to rectify biases is to become aware of them and that is the hardest part. Identifying biases as well as identifying any one of our beliefs requires a lot of awareness and a thorough work of inquiry. Undoubtedly, it would be a colossal task to submit all and every thought to such a process.

  Nonetheless, an indispensable place to investigate is the belief system we apply to ourselves. To wholeheartedly question what we hold to be true about ourselves has the potential to give us access to immense progress in our personal growth. Why? Because a number of beliefs we have about ourselves hold us back. They feed fear and self-doubt. We believe ourselves to be too much “this” or that we cannot do “that”. We hold on strongly to that belief because it provides us with an excuse for not being more successful for instance or happier. The way we operate within our belief system is comparable in many ways to the filter bubble; we find more of what we came across or looked for in previous researches on the Internet. Our mind tends to work in the same way.

  Definitely, our most deeply entrenched beliefs are the hardest to beat. The longer we lived with them and the more real they seem to us even when they defy plain logic. Here is an example: I was reflecting on my experience on quitting smoking as I was answering a question on Quora about what was a major realization in my life. Aside from realizing that my smoking habit proceeded greatly as a coping mechanism to manage my emotions and that it would more certainly affect my health than dealing with the emotion itself, I recollected the fight I had to put up with myself to believe I could quit smoking.

  The struggle was not so much in dealing with the chemical addiction. It had more to do with picturing myself as never smoking again. I could not believe I could “survive” without ever smoking again. I had all the evidence on how damageable to my health my habit was. I was clear on the toll it was taking on my finances. Yet, for the longest time, I could not convince myself I could be free from my smoking habit. My belief that I could not quit remained stronger until I challenged the deeper and more hidden beliefs I had about myself. Our own beliefs have a strong hold on us, especially when we are unaware of them.

  Furthermore, the beliefs others have about us may just as well hold us back. Have you ever noticed how you are more easily irritated in the presence of certain relatives? Especially when they persist in categorizing you a certain way or that they endlessly bring up that same anecdote from the time you were four years old for instance? There is an amazing and sometimes frightening freedom in finding yourself in an environment devoid of any individual who knows anything about you. Travel in a foreign country, in a complete different frame of reference and you will surprise yourself. You may even think “so and so would never believe I am doing this!” That is one major added value in traveling. Encountering different cultures and people is also a lot about discovering oneself all over again. It expands your mind and brings renewed insight on your what you may take for granted and hold as obvious on your skills, views, and approach to life.

  Yes, it is egocentric to a degree. I say there is no virtue in denying oneself. On the contrary, I think there is great value in knowing oneself well. How else can you evolve and develop without an honest and accurate assessment of yourself? And if you are ignorant of your traits how can you relate and connect with the world that surrounds you? Rigorous honesty is challenging. Yet, it is indispensable to live in reality. Our beliefs tend to lull us away from reality. They distort our perceptions. We bend our interpretations to fit our belief system. We come to confuse our beliefs with evidence. We consistently pay attention to what reinforces our beliefs. The meaning we attribute to events is one of the sources to our beliefs.

  All this to say that there is great value in questioning our belief system. It gives us keys to expand beyond our limitations. It is hard to let go of certitudes, even if they are unfounded. We pride ourselves in having answers and we fear to appear dumb or inadequate if we fail to produce an answer. We think it may come off as weakness if we seem undecided. For some of us admitting that we do not know something feels downright shameful. Sometimes we want to be right at all cost or we assume that there is only one way.

  Let me share these words:

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other” doesn’t make any sense.

Rumi – 13th century

  We may feel very passionate about a certain issue. Just taking a moment to pause and think what we are basing this feeling on and question the origin of our position. Fact checking may be tricky at times as well. What sources are we using? Where is the piece of information coming from and how reliable is it. Without entering in the detail or in any form of debate on where the Truth may be I merely invite you to challenge the point of origin of the emotions you experience or the thoughts that are crossing your mind.

  There were some beliefs that I held for true. Questioning them and checking in with their relevancy has freed up a lot of space in my mind to open to other views and grow as a person. It does not mean that I buy into everything I hear or that I change my position on certain issues based on what the last person said. I have fundamental views and ideas that I am glad to enrich with additional nuances of reasoning or inspirations from external sources. I merely find it indispensable to go check in once in a while with the thoughts that participate in building my belief system. I may observe that it is merely that, a belief. It is not a fact. It is not a universal truth. It can be opposed by contradictory examples. Then it is for me to decide what I want to do with that belief.

  What is the purpose of challenging one’s belief system? Empowerment for one thing. If I free myself from my limiting beliefs I have access to a more proactive approach to life. If I believe economy sucks and there are no opportunities for my career I will most likely maintain a passive and whiny attitude combined with little to no action. Also, freeing oneself from the hold of certain beliefs opens up new avenues of thinking. The mind expands and where the mind goes the body follows and so do our actions and attitudes towards life in general.

  Also, do you have pleasure having a conversation with a person who knows it all and who will just raise their voice when you merely venture an idea of your own? Did you ever witness a conversation where someone is in agreement with you yet they have to be “more right”. It is just sign they are not listening. If there is no listening then there is no exchange. We grow from connection. There is no way around it. When we hold on tight to our beliefs we deprive ourselves of a possible opportunity for growth.

  In order to grow we have to be willing to bridge our knowledge gaps, be curious and inquisitive about the world that surrounds us as well as ourselves. The exercise of challenging our beliefs has for result to build trust in ourselves. Instead of solely relying on a belief, which places us more often than not on the effect side of the cause/effect equation, we are empowering ourselves in gaining awareness on what we do and why we interact with the world the way we do. As we gain a clearer understanding we have more choices and that places us on the cause side of the equation. This empowerment leads to more confidence and therefore to more trust and peace with life.