#what am i even able to do in this state

[damnbluewires]

i want to crack my scull open at the nearest wall and it takes all my willpower not to do that right now

i got through my 7 hour long interrogation for my residency, after 2 and a half years waiting for it, and now they tell me they want to have an additional interview with me? no idea when, no idea about what else, i don't even know why. i thought i did okay. this is torture

how long does it fucking take to decide if i should live or die. this is insane. why are they doing this to me.

i cant fucking do anything, i cant think of anything, i cant talk to anyone, im just paralysed with anxiety, and i have no idea how long it will take. a week? another two years?

honestly, im open to advice. is there anything out there that can make me forget about my own life for a while? a podcast, a book or a book series, a hobby? i just dont know what to do. i want to be put in a coma. i still dont want to die, but its a close thing.

i need to do something with myself before i have a mental breakdown, cos then i will fail my interview for sure.

i want to cry but im unable. i cant even... anything. i was supposed to be done with it.

what did i do wrong?

[arcanegifs]

i know you guys want certain scenes to be gifed and are requesting for them but i will open them once im done with the things i want to gif

ive finished all the pending reqs i have on discord + letting yall have the option to expedite cait's cupcake's gifset but i also want start doing the gifs i want. thanks for understanding!

[itspileofgoodthings]

had a very nice realization about peace, especially spiritual peace, the other day. (Been brewing for a while.) and it’s just: peace is for the non-peaceful.

[omegasmileyface]

idkkkkkkk sometimes i feel like the me that exists in happy communities like discord servers and flight rising and lives in my it/its and my byte/bit and my ^w^s and my astro boy posting and the me that goes to work and lies on my bed rotting and wants to go back on the stage so badly but cant because of covid and gets called by my given name and wears a posh coat and skirt are different people who are at war with each other.

[halinski]

i usually don't live my life with regrets, like i'm alive despite it all so whats there to regret

but fucking hell do i regret eating rn

[francisforever2014]

most of the time i feel like it really just Is Not That Serious and really truly believe that everything just works out and sometimes i’ll be hit by a fear of the future so debilitating i actually wanna throw up

[funsizedcrow]

i am not good at video games but yet i persevere

[shippingmyworld]

how long does burnout last? asking for a friend

[heartbreakincident]

*pokes at my conspiracy board*

okay hear me out. there's a mysterious HG sibling that step is apparently the spitting image of but that "died" in juvenile detention. step themself thinks maybe said sibling could have been a source for the dna used to create them.

in retri sidestep repeatedly alludes to being a pet project of the scientists at the farm. yes, of course, that could be referring to the gates/whatever precisely happened after heartbreak, but i think it goes deeper than that. why waste resources on this one individual that keeps running away and fucking with you if you have the source dna and can start over, or if you have other test tube babies from the same batch, or whatever?

so like. do we know. for sure. that sidestep is a re-gene. do we know for sure that they weren't tattooed later in life, experimented on, and piles of trauma/farm scientist fuckery just knocked out their memories of their childhood?

anyway. *turns back to my conspiracy board*

[apocalypticdemon]

hmm. spiraling. fun.

[srldesigns6277]

Why is it that whenever I wish to scream, I am at work?

[ourceliumnetwork]

huh... the way my parents showed me the world worked was really kind of fucked up, it's no fucking wonder i have an anxiety disorder frankly.

[sputnikodin]

as someone who can be quite unempathetic and involuntarily emotionally shielded from matters of tragedy and injustice sometimes (but still, obviously, recognizes his own responsibility as a moral actor regardless of how he feels that day and does his best to act in accordance with carefully considered values at all times) it really bugs me when people r like "having less empathy can make you more logical about things" no it fuckin doesn't ............... Believe me no it fuckin doesn't

[platypusisnotonfire]

The post i recently reblogged about the Romeo and Juliet with heelys in reminded me of the way I got my first heelys.

It was when we lived in the states (NYC area) and my mother had a drs appointment that was going to take at least an hour. I was 8, and allowed to either stay in the waiting room or go to the rooftop garden, but that was all.

At the age of eight I had gotten my first job that paid like, appreciable money (I worked for the family business for five dollars an hour prior to this but got a job with a friend of the family pulling 100 dollars a week doing two nights of office cleaning with them. Yea, child labor. Not the point of my funny story tho. I liked my money. I’m honestly not mad about it.)

So I had cash.

And damn I wanted heelys.

So I illicitly left the building and walked six blocks to the closest Modell’s (gotta go to mo’s) and bought my gorgeous heelys for 30 big bucks.

At this age I had taken to carting around a huge messenger bag for all my books and I had premeditated this excursion and packed an empty box in the bag to make it look full, chucked that in a crosswalk garbage bin and carried the shoebox back.

Not questioned by the mother. None the wiser I had left.

No one was awake to see me leave for school wearing them and no one was home to see me come home wearing them and I got away with this for literal years (I had had a fairly large growth spurt at 8 and bought two sizes too big so they fit for ages)