#what can i say i like my men deeply troubled and morally grey

[fillerfuel]

Hobie and Pavitr my unpromblematic faves and Miguel my problematic fave.

Those are my spiderverse thoughts

[dianaburnwood]

Power, Corruption, and Ethics in HITMAN 3

Why HITMAN: World of Assassination is about the war you never win. 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and decided to deep dive into these themes that are overarching throughout the WoA trilogy, but really come to the forefront in HITMAN 3 and the conclusions it draws about the nature of the world.

Unlike a lot of AAA games, HITMAN takes a firm political stance. While there are plenty of games that can be described as obviously political in the themes they explore, developers tend to shy away from that label, avoiding scrutiny, and avoiding commitment to a side. 

“Neutrality is a side. It’s the side of the status quo.” 

HITMAN WoA is unapologetically political. Yet, in HITMAN and HITMAN 2, this obvious corruption, the world that has been shaped by money, power, and assassination, is largely in the background. Why? Because it IS in the background for 47. He doesn’t trouble himself with morality, politics, or manoeuvring through the murky grey of people he’s killed versus the people that have paid for it. “I know you don’t care about politics, 47.” 

By the time he meets Grey in HITMAN 2, that has to change. It’s forced to change. And, it starts out personal. 47 and Grey had made a pact, and 47 is a man of his word. Take down Providence? Sure thing, bro. They did this to us. 

But, interestingly, in HITMAN 3, it’s no longer about that bleak individualism. The partners are dead, but the story is not over. Because Providence itself is not even the real problem. Instead, it’s the power structures that allow it to exist. Diana knows this, and by the end of the game, 47 knows it too. Taking down the partners - even taking down Providence - it’s not enough. There’s work still to be done. Otherwise, the cycle continues. 

Edwards represents this corruption so well. He’s not a rich man. He didn’t come from money, or prestige. He, in a way, has always been controlled. And he believed in the meritocracy. That his loyalty would be rewarded. That he would be seen. 

And he wasn’t. 

So, he took that power he craved. And he truly can’t fathom why anyone else wouldn’t. When 47 finally comes for him, Edwards can’t believe that Diana would not be tempted by power. He says, “This is not how people work.” And in a lot of ways, he’s right. Power corrupts. 

He’s also right that taking him out doesn’t change anything. The world will continue to turn - new CEOs, same old corruption. Power never dies, it only changes hands. Grey wanted to take out the partners, but they were just replaced by Edwards, who would have been replaced by Yates, but who was then replaced by Diana - where does the cycle of power end? 

This is where we see Diana finally reject the individualism that has run her life. She has her own moral code and sense of justice, but as Vidal points out, she’s a hypocrite too. She has operated within the constraints of a broken, corrupt world of assassination, and she has not questioned it. 

And so, Diana dismantles Providence. And not like she did with the Franchise or the ICA, which were about a personal need. Dismantling Providence is about far more than a final revenge for her parents, or for what they did to 47. It’s about what Providence is to the world. A world which allowed for the creation, coercion, and control of these kingmakers. And yet, Providence is not the convenient baddie here. They are ALL as bad as each other. 

In Mendoza, this is brought to light the most. We learn that taking out Rico Delgado has had a destabilising effect on the entire region, yet Yates’ winery irrigation through re-routing water via a dam is causing huge damage to the local environment. The ICA is gone, and one party guest wonders where he’s going to get a “service provider” for his problems now. Another guest tells him to “ask for Stone” - another ICA agent who has presumably gone freelance. 

When Vidal questions Diana about 47′s trust in her, in his belief that her orders are the right ones, Diana responds, “it’s no more than what any soldier does.” Someone will always be that “executive decision-maker” - from kings, governments, and dictators across the world. Even Grey, attempting to fight the power, meant making deals with different kinds of monsters. 

So, is that your only choice? Decide what the lesser evil is? Yet, this is not your simple tale of good versus evil. Every single character involved in this is deeply fucked. 

But we finally see that Diana and 47 are not going back, blindly, like they used to. They’re not going to “win the day”, pat themselves on the back for dismantling Providence, and then wilfully close their eyes and ears again to the power that takes its place. Instead, the game recognises the work that must be done. “There will always be people like them. So, there will always be people like us.”

That’s not to say that Diana and 47 are shining examples of righteousness. Can you take the law into your own hands and not be considered corrupt? What is the line between vigilantism and villainy? Their solution is to kill more people. And they decide who the right people are to kill. 

Is that how you make up for the past? Can you? Ever? One year later, “the pact is done” - at last, Grey and 47′s pact has been fulfilled. But the work isn’t over. The world is still broken.

And that’s what I love about this trilogy, but H3 in particular. The game openly asks you, what is your responsibility to other people? Try to be whole. Try to do the right thing. You will never win, because it will never end. But you have to try. Otherwise, you allow the world to continue as it is. You are complicit. Burke’s quote of “the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing,” is really the essence of what Grey was trying to get at, and yet - for him that evil was subjective. It was about getting what he needed, it was about confronting his past, and, for him, the enemy of my enemy is my friend. But the world of Hitman is not black and white, and I applaud it for that. Grey wasn’t even sure what he would do after finally taking down the partners. For him, that was the end of the road.

Edwards tells 47 that freedom from choice is still freedom. Vidal firmly believes that people think they want freedom, but really, they want to be controlled. And isn’t it easier to be free from choice? Isn’t it easier to not think? To look away, and distract yourself with things rather than do the hard work of real self-examination, real reflection? Isn’t it easier to tell yourself the horrors you see in the world around you are just how the world works, rather than trying to change the status quo? 

But if power never dies, then whose hands does it rightfully belong in? Is free will a burden? Do people need to be controlled? What if they ask for it? Beg for it? What if they believe they can’t function on their own? 

What does it mean to be kind? 

What does it mean to be free? 

H3 asks the player so much more than it needed to, and I really admire it for that. 

The political apathy of 47 is truly challenged in H2, and eradicated by the end of H3. And I’d argue it challenges the player to do the same. The old revenge story is not relevant here. This isn’t about “getting back” at Providence or the partners anymore - and it would have been easy to end the story there, or at least, keep it as the focus. Instead, HITMAN 3 goes way past that, and asks the player, what can you do to fix the world? And, can it ever be fixed? 

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 6

Rating: Explicit.

‼️TW: Reader is EIGHTEEN! Recreational drug use, smoking and alcohol consumption, deeply internalised self-loathing, very questionable moral standards. Daddy kink taken half-seriously. BDSM themes in later chapters - explicit content will come with it's own TWs. FIRST PERSON POV. There's non-explicit smut in this part!

Summary: You're Peter's classmate, a child of rich and famous but uncaring parents. Getting paired up for a lengthy project with the boy was an interesting turn of events and you don't know whether to feel blessed or cursed when you develop, seemingly, a perfectly normal, harmless crush on Tony Stark. Fueled by feelings of inadequacy and boredom, your life spirals out of control - and you're lucky your newfound friends are there to pick up the pieces even if you cannot find it in yourself to believe these amazing human (and not so human) beings voluntarily give you more than a fleeting glance and an offhanded thought. And they brought cake!

A/N: Remember that questionable morals remark? Yea, this chapter is the reason. Y/N, girl, you gotta stop... But at least it's kinda funny. Okay, it's pretty damn hilarious.

Beta read by the lovely and patient @miscmarvelwritings ! She is amazing. I larb her. 💙

"And then I was like 'No Way!' and he was like 'Totally' and that's how I met Tony Stark," I finished excitedly, opposite a laughing Mr. Davies. The story of how I met Iron Man was a total hit with the teacher and my vigorous mimicking of the facial expressions that described my feelings during the time had my teacher busting a gut something loud. 

"I honestly have some trouble believing that but - hey, what the hell, he's a billionaire superhero, it's basically expected for him to be a little strange," When his laughing fit was over, Mr. Davies reminded me he was, in fact, a psychology doctor. There was serious brain power under that easygoing attitude.

I expected detention to be bearable in his company but Mr. Davies rose above expectations, welcoming me with another cup of tea and some colouring pages. Admittedly, I contemplated stealing some - those mandalas were really captivating.

"Oh, he's strange alright, but nothing I can't handle," I twirled a pencil between my fingers. 

Mr. Davies grinned knowingly, too knowingly for my comfort, and I had no choice but to make a stone face before looking him in the eye. 

He smirked. "So, anything else interesting for you going on?" 

"Nah, not much. Really looking forward to being done with high school and going out into the bigger world, y'know."

"You turned 18 already, right?" I nodded in confirmation. "Maybe get a job, something part-time? OsCorp always hands these leaflets out, they're looking for lab assistants."

I wrinkled my nose. "I don't need a job. Plus, I'm sure Bruce-err, Doctor Banner would smash me if I went to work at OsCorp," I glossed over my slip-up, hoping Mr. Davies would do the same. But no such luck happened.

"Right. Me and Bruce, we actually go way back," He smiled, stirring his tea. I perked up in interest. "We studied psychology together, sat next to each other in half of our classes. It's a shame what happened to him but I hope he's happy now," Mr. Davies was smiling earnestly, looking out of the window where rain had started flowing down on the glass.

"Really? That's cool," I said, lacking anything else to add to his statement.

"He used to skip classes and always lost his glasses even though they'd be on top of his head," My teacher continued. "Banner was actually quite a rowdy student," He added with a smirk.

"Hah, he still routinely loses his glasses, although he wears them on a string around his neck now," I chuckled fondly. Bruce was such a dork.

I chatted with Mr. Davies some more, just casual conversation about everything and nothing in between. His parents were hippies, he had two moms and one dad and according to him, Thor was very overrated. I didn't even notice we were up in each other's space until our knees brushed when Mr. Davies - "Call me Will" - was showing me the pictures of his cats, dog and lizard. I figured that as the hippy child, personal space was kind of a foreign concept to him - and that rang true, I've seen Will give out more shoulder grabs and high fives than anyone else sans the gym teacher.

The clock's ding announced 6 PM and I quickly gathered my things, hastily saying goodbye. I was stopped though.

"If you don't mind a quick stop at my house, I can drop you off. It's pouring buckets outside and I would hate you to get sick," Will spoke casually. 

Technically, I knew he was bending some rules of conduct. But it was also 55° outside and the water coming from the sky was unlikely to be warm. So I caved without any guilty conscience, obediently following Mr. Davies -Will- to the parking lot where a new-ish Jeep Cherokee proudly stood amongst several older, less gently used cars. With New York city traffic being the way it is, I didn't text Bruce yet, fully expecting for the trip to take a whole hour if not more. 

Thankfully the parking gods were merciful and Will managed to find a spot right across his two-story townhouse. "You're welcome to come in if you feel comfortable, I just need to fetch some documents," He said.

And that's where I fucked up. I nodded affirmatively, I followed him through the door and made myself as comfortable as I could on his living room couch. It was a cozy home, his iguana chilled opposite me in it's terrarium and the little mutt that was his dog really reminded me of the atrocity that my parents used to own before they had me. It yipped and yapped, wagging it's bushy tail at me and demanding pets.

The steaming tea mug was dutifully placed in my hand by Will who hopped upstairs immediately after that, skipping steps. I watched the man with a benign stare: he'd removed his sweater and I could see the defined muscles of his back and the admirable backside that he possessed. There was no harm in looking respectfully, right?

I was halfway through my mug when Will came back down, brandishing a truly impressive stack of manila folders, setting it on a nearby table before sitting down on the other end of the couch, maintaining a respectful distance between us. We chatted some more and the more he spoke about his current research, the more passionate he became; by the end of his truly epic description of the effects that anti-depressants have on the learning process of depressed adolescents, I was mesmerized by the way his pink lips formed words.

Sitting with my calves tucked under my butt, leaning against the armrest , I was a goner. He caught my eye, diverting his own stare from my exposed legs to the side, blinking furiously. It calmed my spirits somewhat, knowing that I wasn't the only one affected by the sudden change of atmosphere in the room. My mug landed on the low table with a loud clang as I leaned forward, the sleeves of my sweater accidentally brushing against his leg.

Will cleared his throat and I startled, tilting my head up towards him in confusion. He was staring at me with a mix of fear and delight in his eyes, like a boy preparing for his first kiss. I would have laughed at the absurdity of the situation if the darkness in his stormy grey eyes didn't make my own breath do somersaults somewhere between my lungs and my esophagus.

Fifteen minutes later, both my sweater and my panties were thrown somewhere in the furthest end of the room and those thin lips were making me see stars. For some reason he was convinced I'd had only typical teenage disappointing sex up to this point and was really eager to show me what a grown man can do. I mean, I wasn't complaining, he was really, really good with his mouth - but I didn't have all night, so I flipped the tables and showed off my own oral skills until he had to bodily remove me from his dick and lift me onto it. Every movement felt surreal, like I was living in a dream. Despite my common sense yelling expletives at me, I kissed Will back with twice the heat and none of the finesse, each of us reaching the peak nearly in sync.

"Can I get that ride to the tower now?"

Will let out a decidedly unmanly squeak when he realised where exactly he'd be taking me after we did what we'd done. I smiled at him in hopes of calming down the man but it seemed it came out more predatory. He shivered, his dick twitching within me.

I texted Bruce the same time I was getting into Will's car. My brain was still somewhat in a state of shock and I used the brief moment to tidy up my hair and makeup, taking note of my sex-flushed face. I only hoped I didn't stink like man-sweat and Will's cologne. 

Another realization was startled out of me: that was my first time having had sex without a condom. I was on birth control since I was fourteen so pregnancy wasn't a scare; currently, I was more worried about the mildly uncomfortable, wet feeling in my panties where my teacher's cum had pooled out.

Yikes. That moment Will took a careful monitoring of my facial expression and it took me a lot to keep it somewhere between neutral and happy. Internally, I was freaking the fuck out, torn between horror and incredible arousal.

It morphed into full fledged mortification when I saw Bruce's lab coat from afar, the man standing next to the entrance door. Having had a dumb moment, I texted Banner that a former schoolmate of his was the one giving me a ride and it really shouldn't have been a surprise that Bruce would go downstairs to greet Will.

'Fuck you, you dumbass,' was my approximate train of thought, directed at myself, when all three of us gathered, hiding from the cold rain and the autumn wind under the safety of the roof. Both men shared a brief, warm embrace before Bruce's arm snaked around my waist.

"You go upstairs, okay? I don't want you to get sick," Banner said, eyeing the disastrous weather.

I looked at Will, finding his eyebrow cocked at Bruce's frivolous gesture and a faint flush blossoming on his face. The man shuffled awkwardly, giving me a small wave and a tight-lipped smile before turning his attention back to Bruce. I wished him good night, hastily retreating into the safety of the elevator.

"What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fu-u-uck..." I chanted under my breath, acutely aware of the blossoming bruises on my hips where my teacher held me, the dampness of my underwear. 

The elevator doors opened, revealing the common room couch being occupied by Wanda. Peter, Wanda's brother and the two resident super soldiers setting the table for dinner. Tony was off bickering with Loki and Strange by the coffee maker and Thor was standing outside on the patio, doing something very strange with his hands and his hammer. Was he summoning the shitty weather?! The audacity!

"Hey," Wanda greeted me quietly. Her eyebrows raised upon seeing my face full of perplexed confusion. "You okay?.. Wait, what? Tell me you did not!" As my internal crisis reached its peak, I remembered that a) Wanda is a telepath and b) There were other people in the room.

One ungraceful landing next to her later, I turned my bleary stare onto her. "Oops?" I offered in the way of explanation. What was I supposed to say if I didn't know for myself what the devil possessed me to fuck my social studies teacher after school? He was fucking hot, okay.

The witch smirked, obviously following my defensive internal monologue. "Oops?" Her tone was laced with gleeful sarcasm.

"I'm a human disaster," I groaned, finally caving in and palming my face. Wanda began snickering. "I have zero impulse control," I continued wallowing in self-pity. The redhead just cackled harder.

"I feel so attacked right now," Tony's voice loudly announced the man's presence. I was thankful for the distraction, happy that today, out of all the days, he decided to make the situation about himself. "I am the resident hot mess and nothing you do will change that. Or get out of my tower," He made a dramatic gesture, waving along everybody to the table.

At the dinner table, with Peter on one side of me and Bruce on the other, Wanda's speech was clear. "I think you two are about on the same level, Tony," Her tone was dry. The looks she cast me were cheeky at best and downright gleeful at worst. Not only was she the resident telepath but also, apparently, a huge drama fan.

I, on the other hand, felt like a fish thrown out of water. My mind was still jumping between astounded and horrified like a rabid rabbit and Bruce's excited remark about seeing a former schoolmate only worsened the anxiety. My brain was telling me EVERYBODY knew EVERYTHING whereas in reality, it was only Wanda and it didn't seem like she was upset enough to give up my dirty little secret. If anything, the witch seemed almost impressed. And that dry, mildly interested facial expression only solidified when she put two and two together: my teacher, whom I fucked, also known as Bruce's former study buddy.

"I have some spare sweatpants that might fit you," Wanda directly addressed me as we were finishing up the wonderful chicken roast courtesy of Clint and Bucky. Nobody batted an eye at the sudden exclamation, evidently used to being around someone who could hear their thoughts. 

I nodded, mentally waving a big, red thank you note. With sparkles. And hearts. Wanda chuckled.

"Hey, did you change your perfume?" Peter's innocent remark made me nearly freeze in my spot. 

Kill Bill sirens started playing in my head on repeat as I heard Wanda choke on her asparagus, inadvertently drawing attention to the three of us. Peter looked at us in confusion: Wanda kept on gasping, but it seemed like the dam had finally burst and she was laughing in earnest, snorting, loudly, as I engaged my willpower to stop myself from doing the same. Needless to say, it was a spectacular failure and now both of us were bent over our dinner plates, absolutely losing it - much to the concern of the adults present at the table. The rest of the team was growing concerned.

"Oh my god, your FACE!" Wanda's incoherent mumbling and the accusing finger pointed in my direction did it.

"A lady doesn't... kiss... and tell...." I fervently gulped the oxygen as I tried to articulate my thoughts into something comprehendible. The hysterical laughter won by a wide margin.

"Who's the lucky guy?" Natasha seemed to get the gist, relaxing immediately and picking up her fork to continue her meal. 

I shook my head, unable to form a coherent thought, much less a sentence. Bruce chuckled from somewhere beside me and just like that, the tension broke. The adults in the room traded knowing looks, chuckling and snorting amongst themselves. 

The moments I needed to calm down went to waste really quick: my first laughing fit over, I took one look at Wanda and yet again, both of us were puffing out our cheeks to try and prevent another hysterical fit. 

"Whew," I exaggerated, eyes wide and looking ANYWHERE but at Wanda.

"What a wild ride," She snorted and I put a palm over my face, shaking my head in... 

Disappointment at myself? I wasn't disappointed. Now that I got over the WTF factor, I found the situation to be pretty damn hot. Will was hot. Eh, whatever. 

My casual mood of zero-fucks-given began returning. After few of the last bites of potatoes, I was prepared to face  Natasha. I looked the Black Widow dead in the eye as I firmly stated: "And for the record? We are NOT having this conversation."

She elegantly arched her eyebrow whilst everybody else held their breath. "That bad, huh?" The retort was immediate.

I allowed myself to radiate a bit of that newly acquired smugness I had begun to feel: "You have no idea," I hoped my smirk was as devious as I wished it to be.

"Alright, heartbreaker, colour me impressed," Natasha nodded in affirmation. We shared another meaningful look and reverted back to our plates with the menfolk observing us akin animals at a zoo. 

Somewhat amazed, slightly afraid. Bruce's stare was somewhat concerned, too: he contemplatively eyed me from the corner of his eye, the same way I eyed him, checking out the fact that he appeared somewhat annoyed. Like a proper father would, I suppose. 

Luckily for me, I finished off the remaining food and drink quickly, with Wanda being my saviour once again as she all but bodily dragged me into the elevator, promising to return me to the science den in no more than an hour. Tony went to complain but was promptly stopped by Natasha inconspicuously reaching for the butter knife: the engineer knew how to pick his battles. I didn't doubt that Romanoff was going to hear "all about it" second-hand from Wanda and I was fully prepared to face the redhead spy's judgement. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, escaped that clever woman.

A quick shower and a change of clothes later, I sat on Wanda's couch, nervously fiddling with the two sizes too big sweatpants, occasionally stopping to straighten the plain white tank top that just barely fit me. I washed my hair but didn't  dry it before Wanda was impatiently telling me to hurry up: the mess sat atop my head held up by a single scrunchie.

"Okay... Where do I start?" She asked me, looking like the cat that ate the canary. 

"Don't start," I stopped her with a raised palm. "It was a casual, one-time thing and I've no interest in pursuing that shit on the reg," I answered honestly. The fact that he was my teacher simultaneously worsened the situation and made me elated. But ultimately, I didn't want to risk the trouble that would come along with this mess. Besides, I had no feelings for the guy whatsoever. As I've said previously, it was just bad impulse control on some teenage hormone steroids.

"You're a strange one," Wanda's penetrating gaze made me shiver. "You live without a care in the world but at the same time, your mind is always all over the place. It is interesting."

"Uh, thanks? I guess?"

"I think we should try being friends," The witch remarked after a brief moment of awkward silence. I stared at her, dumbfounded. "Because of my powers, I can literally see through people and predict what they will do before they even think about doing it. With you, it's not like that," She explained, her Slavic accent making a full guest appearance.

"So...you want to be friends because I'm a fucking mess?" I couldn't help but feel a little offended. The occasional shitty decision aside, I didn't think of myself as that bad.

"I want to be friends because I like you," Wanda fondly rolled her eyes, standing up from the couch and motioning for me to follow. "Now let's get you to Tony or he'll blow a gasket. He's already insufferable as he is."

@another-stark-sub @mostly-marvel-musings  @vozit @littlegasps @pilloclock @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads @hermione-grangers-wife @individualistfem

[holdvns]

hi friends ! i’m farah nd im coming at u live frm the pst timezone to bring u a new muse of mine. so excuse me as i ramble abt holden under the cut. like this post and i will come bother u for plots?? that or u can im me on here or on my discord (farah#1263), whatever works rlly! anyways, super stoked to be here and to get to write with u all!!!!

(TOBY WALLACE, CIS MALE) - Have you seen HOLDEN DONAHUE? HOLDEN is in HIS JUNIOR year. The PHILOSOPHY MAJOR is 21 years old & is a TAURUS. People say HE is QUICK-WITTED, DARING, IRREVERENT and DETACHED. Rumors say they’re a member of CALLOWAY SOCIETY. I heard from the gossip blog that HIS FATHER PAID OFF THE SCHOOL TO CHANGE HIS GRADES AFTER HE FAILED FOUR CLASSES LAST SEMESTER FROM NEVER SHOWING UP.  (FARAH. 22. PST. SHE/HER.)

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holden grew up between upstate new york and manhattan in an extremely wealthy family. from the outside, his family had the appearance of perfection, but underneath that facade lay years of shocking and hidden family secrets that one way or another got out into society, even if his family tried to put them down as merely rumors.

his father is a highly respected but also deeply feared business man/media magnate known for his cutthroat attitude in his business dealings and personal relationships. he had an extremely difficult childhood, having been orphaned at a young age and passed from relative to relative around europe, many of whom were not very kind to him. still, he was incredibly intelligent and wanted to make something of himself, having this belief in the american dream and wanting to move there if he ever got the chance. after attending college on a scholarship, he was able to use his connections and move to new york, where he founded his own start-up that eventually led to him building his own personal fortune.

his mother was very much a hustler. she grew up poor in new york and at an early age, learned how to use her good looks to manipulate men for the finer things in life. she had a short stint as a model before she met holden’s father, charming him enough to call it quits with his first wife. underneath her obvious beauty, however, was a fiery temper and substance abuse problem. the thing about her was that she really wasn’t made to be a wife and mother. holden’s father thought he could turn her into this perfect socialite/housewife (marrying her and then proceeding to have his older brother, cal, and holden in a very short span of time), but the task proved impossible. she was always only looking out for herself and didn’t enjoy being tied down, certainly not with kids to take care of despite the nannies his father provided. they fought constantly, and their home life was extremely unstable. it was a normal occurrence for holden to see his mother being dragged off to an institution by his father’s security guards or for his mother to use him and his brother as bait to get his father to give her money for drugs, to leave him, or sometimes just to try and get back with him.

eventually, she finally did leave, having told holden and his brother the three of them were moving to los angeles, but leaving without them and dying of a drug overdose shortly after. holden was about six at the time and thinks he has successfully hidden this entire episode from his memory, but it’s definitely something that affects him whether he likes it or not.

although his family claims this was merely just a rumor, it was often said that there was some foul play behind her death and that his father had some involvement, not wanting her to ever leave him and move on with her life. while holden deep down may admit that this could be the case, it’s never something he would really say.

at this point, his father rarely talks about his mother and when he has, he has poisoned her memory so much, holden feels like he never really had one. when he was younger, he’d often make up stories about her in his head, which were far different than who she actually was. it helped at the time, but after a while it was easier to just forget her altogether.

while his father cares deeply for his children and has provided them a life of ease and luxury, he’s certainly not innocent in all of this mess. he’s extremely manipulative and often psychologically traumatizing to them as well. he often finds his children to be lazy and ungrateful and resents the way they’ve been raised (even though it was his own doing), while he suffered from poverty and abuse in his own childhood. he often pits the two of them against each other, always trying to see who’s the stronger, smartest, who will do whatever it takes to be the best, especially because there’s always talk about who’s going to be the one to be the one who’s going to take over when he retires. it is usually said to be his older brother, because it’s no secret that he’s his father’s favorite.

because of this, holden and his brother never really got along. or so it seems. they did when they were younger, but their hatred runs so deep that the even thought of that feels like a distant reality. they’re only two years apart, but they couldn’t be more different. while his brother is a complete perfectionist and will do just about anything to please his father, holden gave up on that idea along time ago. it didn’t matter what he did, he never seemed to be able to measure up against his brother. maybe it was because he was younger, maybe it was because he was more sensitive and seemed to feel things at a deeper level, maybe it was because he wasn’t as competitive, or maybe there was no explanation why his father simply liked cal better. holden’s never seemed to figure out. he’s always felt like the screwup of the family, so eventually that’s what he became.

he started drinking and using drugs at an early age, basically trying anything to mask his pain and trauma. while his brother excelled academically and in sports in high school, holden never applied himself. he fell in with the wrong crowd and gave up his spot on the football team to run around the streets of new york and engage in all kinds of debauchery. it was common for him to disappear for days on end, spending his father’s money and racking up drug and gambling debts. obviously his father wasn’t happy about this and would constantly remind him of that, but he didn’t exactly do anything to stop him either. if this was a cry for help or attention, it didn’t exactly have the desired effect and only left holden feeling empty. 

he started dating this older hippie girl who was in college while he was a senior in high school who influenced him to want to detach from his family and money and the crowd he was running in. he kind of... took it to the extreme and started talking like timothee chalamet in lady bird lmao, even though he reeked of privilege. honestly, it was just another way to annoy his father and brother, which was always his goal at the time. they ended up breaking up because he cheated on her, but he kept some of her ideas and mindset afterwards.

after high school, he wasn’t really sure what he wanted to do. so he ran off to europe for a year and didn’t talk to anyone from home. just traveled around by himself with little money and getting into all kinds of trouble. he probably would’ve stayed longer, but one morning he came across an american newspaper while he was in greece reporting on how his father had suffered a heart attack. he rushed back to the states and luckily his father has survived, but in that moment of weakness he manipulated him into attending college. his father pulled some strings and got him into yates, and while it isn’t exactly his idea of fun, he’s taking it day by day and looking it as another way to push back actually having to enter the real world.

~ personality wise ~

acts like he hates his family, new york, and everything that comes attached with money and privilege, but completely reaps the benefits of all these things when he can. claims everything having to do with high society is vapid and that he wants more out of life.

a bit of a compulsive liar. will make up fake identities and pretend to be other people or tell people he doesn’t know some sob story about growing up poor. rlly just gets off on stuff like that and doesn’t tell the truth. like ever.

doesn’t always like people knowing how rich he is or who his father is. for those that do know, he doesn’t like to talk much about his family. probably won’t ever say a word about his mother.

has no real ambitions in life or any sort-of life plan. has switched his major at least 10 times and never goes to his classes.

very much a hedonist. likes to party and hates being alone. hooks up with too many people and finds it very difficult to be in any sort of real relationship. he’s just not reliable or faithful enough.

also goes through phases where feels like he doesn’t connect with people? or that he hates everyone?

always attracts chaos of some kind. black eyes from a fight over kissing someone’s girlfriend or owing his drug dealer money.

lives life day by day. doesn’t plan for the future. usually always drunk or high.

kind of... morally ambiguous. with the way he was raised, he doesn’t see life as black or white. it’s sort of grey. usually doesn’t do the right thing, usually doesn’t feel bad about it... but there is a heart there somewhere. he just doesn’t usually care enough to use it.

rlly tries to avoid feelings as much as possible. he’s actually quite a sensitive person, but after being constantly told that makes him weak by his father and having a robot of a brother he’s always felt ashamed by that. so he uses his vices to try and not feel things.

wanted plots

hook ups, fwbs, exes, someone he cheated on, friends, enemies, someone he owes money to, someone who knew him grew up and knows his family, someone he actually rlly cares about (romantic or platonic)...i’ll add more to this when i think of more things!

[theydeservedasoftepilogue]

Performativity and the Power of Collective Belief

Today marks the one-year anniversary that glorious, beautiful, triumphant, deeply human scene in which Jaime Lannister asks his beloved, Brienne of Tarth, to kneel so he can give her the one gift she truly covets – knighthood. A standout scene in what is overall a standout episode, it is inarguably the pinnacle of Game of Throne’s (otherwise abysmal) 8th season and arguably the pinnacle of the series as a whole. Certainly I was never as moved or captivated by anything this show has laid before me.

And I – and my fellow Braime shippers – were not alone. Multiple entertainment outlets wrote extended commentary on this episode, often praising this scene in particular. No real wonder. It is viscerally exhilarating, organic, beautifully acted, one of the few TV moments I could without hesitation describe as perfect.

But why?

On one level it seems obvious. It completes Brienne and Jaime’s unique character arcs – her pursuit of knighthood and his pursuit of redemption – while also overtly affirming the deep love they feel for one another. Granted, Jaime’s arc is a little more complex than Brienne’s, for he has always been a mixed bag of noble and misguided deeds. But regardless of his moral grey, Jaime has always found and heeded his better angels when Brienne was there to light the way. His total surrender of Cersei for the Lady of Tarth felt like the necessary end to his personal journey (the final two episodes notwithstanding).

However, I think this scene goes even deeper than these two characters and their particular arcs (both individual and shared). In addition to being a phenomenal consummation of their storylines, this scene also manages to be a perfect microcosm of what Game of Thrones was always trying to theorize and imagine, namely, how can social systems be made fairer, more just, more humane, more attentive and adaptable to the needs of those who must operate in and through them?

At the risk of stating what should be obvious, Game of Thrones is a story about power, and how power works. What made it better than a great many of its imitators was the far more varied and nuanced ways it took on its examination of power. It looked at how a huge range of social phenomenon overlap and intersect in the production and reproduction of power, including: • Wealth • Social networks • Kinship systems • Gender/sex/sexuality/reproduction • Name and reputation • Violence and militarism • Legal systems • Nationalism and tribalism • Tradition • Land and material resources • Religion/spirituality • Labor • Language • And more

Whatever else might be said of this show and its failings, it deeply understood that power is multi-faceted, diffuse, varied, complex, and tied to a huge range of interlocking socio-cultural systems that supersede all the individuals who operate within them.  

Humans require social systems to function. They allow us to, as anthropologists would say, create shared meaning, make decisions, divide up labor, meet our collective and individual needs, and yes, even give us pleasure. We cannot just do without social systems, nor would we want to.

But social systems also have a tendency to become calcified and perverted, used by some to exploit and abuse others. Social systems often start out as tools but are frequently repurposed as weapons in the hands of those who find ways to use them to unfair advantage, often perpetuating that unfair advantage over time.

When Game of Thrones begins, we are dropped into a world where this is the core conflict at hand. Deeply unjust and dysfunctional manifestations of power have taken hold, leaving those in charge of running the world deeply inferior to the task. An issue that becomes all the more salient as it becomes clear that Westeros, and the world at large, is facing down an existential threat from the White Walkers.

And that’s part of the point. Humans can and do face problems that cannot be solved at the level of individual action. We need systems and structures for survival. After all, winter is coming.

The arcs of characters like Daenerys Targaryen, Jon Snow, Tyrion Lannister, and Lord Varys, are about asking – can the systems themselves be made better, made more just, made to truly help more than they harm? Can we have the tool without allowing it to become a weapon? And if so, how?

Game of Thrones has never been a particularly optimistic show, and I would argue this is valid. Humans are good at corrupting power, and it would be disingenuous to suggest otherwise. But I would also argue it does not behoove us to surrender to despair, because the belief that power is inherently unjust helps power stay unjust, the belief that it is unmovable is part of what keeps it unmovable.

Enter our heroes, facing down the Long Night, a seemingly hopeless battle in which there is likely no victory or survival. They sit by a fire, enjoying each other’s company as they contemplate their immanent doom. When Tormund – an outsider to the realms of men – asks why Brienne – an outsider to the realm of manhood – cannot be a knight, she explains, “Women can’t be knights.” The two social systems are in conflict, mutually exclusive. Why? Tradition.

In that moment, Jaime Lannister takes up the power he holds to make other knights, a power the social systems of Westeros have conferred to him by virtue of his wealth and name and kinship and gender and tradition, and he remakes the system with one performative* act. He re-renders the social systems of knighthood and gender by taking up the tools of which the act – the knighting ceremony – is composed and deploying them anew.

Power IS movable. Systems can be remade, and remade for the better.

The act is small, local, confined essentially to the people in the room. But it takes hold and confers nonetheless, partly because the other people in the room (symbolic of society as a whole) uphold and affirm it. They acknowledge it as real, which is what makes it ‘real,’ and therefore powerful – which is the fundamental secret of all social systems. They have the power they have because of collective belief, because we all ACT as if their power is real.

Gender and knighthood, like all social systems, are socially constructed, made by humans and able to be remade by them as we see fit. Part of the way unjust social systems perpetuate themselves is by generating the illusion that they are inevitable, natural, unchangeable, unmovable. When Jaime knights Brienne, the story affirms this fundamental, and fundamentally optimistic, truth about power – it can be remade.

What has always been does not always have to be.

Power can be reborn a female knight in shining armor because no social system is truly unmovable. Most of what is required is for us to acknowledge that the rules governing the systems that govern us are arbitrary, historically contingent, able to be rewritten through the ultimate tool of power we always carry with us – collective belief.

*This refers to the concept of performativity coined by linguist J.L. Austin in his work How to Do Things with Words, and popularized by gender theorist Judith Butler, most primarily in her work Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity. This essay is particularly indebted to Bulter’s work, as well as that of Foucault (whose theories of power are unparalled).

[caldonahue]

    —introducing callaghan “cal” donahue as macbeth

trigger warning: murder, death, drug use and overdose, abuse, disassociation

hi friends! i’m farah, i’m twenty-two, i go by she/her pronouns, i live in the pst timezone, and i’m literally so? stoked? to be here. i don’t think i’ve ever written a character quite this dark before so this shall be interesting... beware, cal is literal trash. anyway, i just finished writing a paper right before i was supposed to turn it in at midnight *wipes the imaginary sweat off my forehead* so my brain’s a little fried. but i promise i will try to be all caught up and in full-force tomorrow. that being said, please come plot with me. you can message me on here or on my discord ( farah#1263 ). can’t wait to stir up tons of trouble with you all.

skeleton: macbeth

name: callaghan “cal” donahue

age: twenty-two

birthdate: may 25, 1997

birthplace: manhattan, new york

faceclaim: jacob elordi

gender: cis-male

pronouns: he/him

degree: business

pinterest board

cal grew up in primarily in new york in one of the richest families in america. from the outside, his family had the appearance of perfection, but underneath that facade lay years of shocking and hidden family secrets that one way or another got out into society, even if his family tried to put them down as merely rumors.

cal’s father is a highly respected but also deeply feared business man/media magnate known for his cutthroat attitude in his business dealings and personal relationships. he had an extremely difficult childhood, having been orphaned at a young age and passed from relative to relative around europe, many of whom were not very kind to him. still, he was incredibly intelligent and wanted to make something of himself, having this belief in the american dream and wanting to move there if he ever got the chance. when he got offered a full-ride to ashcroft, he ran with it. it wasn’t america, but he figured the opportunities could lead to that. (this makes cal a legacy, which is one of the reasons he was asked to join the imperium society along with his father’s global reputation). and they did. after college, he was able to use his connections and move to new york, where he founded his own start-up that eventually led to him building his own personal fortune.

cal’s mother was very much a hustler. she grew up poor in new york and at an early age, learned how to use her good looks to manipulate men for the finer things in life. she had a short stint as a model before she met cal’s father, charming him enough to call it quits with his first wife who had just given birth to his first son. underneath her obvious beauty, however, was a fiery temper and substance abuse problem. the thing about her was that she really wasn’t made to be a wife and mother. cal’s father thought he could turn her into this perfect socialite/housewife (marrying her and then proceeding to have cal and his younger sister in a very short span of time), but the task proved impossible. she was always only looking out for herself and didn’t enjoy being tied down, certainly not with kids to take care of despite the nannies his father provided. they fought constantly, and their home life was extremely unstable. it was a normal occurrence for cal to see his mother being dragged off to an institution by his father’s security guards or for his mother to use him and his sister as bait to get his father to give her money for drugs, to leave him, or sometimes just to try and get back with him.

eventually, she finally did leave, having told cal and his sister the three of them were moving to los angeles, but leaving without them and dying of a drug overdose shortly after. cal was about eight at the time and thinks he has successfully hidden this entire episode from his memory, but it’s definitely something that affects him whether he likes it or not.

while his father cares deeply for his children and has provided them a life of ease and luxury, he’s certainly not innocent in all of this mess. he’s extremely manipulative and often psychologically traumatizing to them as well. he often finds his children to be lazy and ungrateful and resents the way they’ve been raised (even though it was his own doing), while he suffered from poverty and abuse in his own childhood. he often pits the three of them against each other, always trying to see who’s the stronger, smartest, who will do whatever it takes to be the best, especially because there’s always talk about who’s going to be the one to be the one who’s going to take over when he retires. it is usually said to be cal, because it’s no secret that he’s his father’s favorite. his older brother’s too sensitive in his father’s eyes and his sister doesn’t want anything to do with the family business, although she could be a rival in her own right.

the thing about cal is that he’s a bit of a perfectionist. he was someone who was born well-connected and with many talents, but because of his father’s constant watching and pressure, he’s always afraid that all of that isn’t enough. and a lot of times, it isn’t with his father because he’s almost impossible to please. and to him, pleasing his father is everything. the man is basically a god to him. cal is the type of person who looks like everything is so easy for them. he always got top grades, was stellar in sports, and was wildly charming and popular. but these were all things he worked hard at to perfect. it took a lot of work to become the cal donahue he is today, which is why his literal fall from grace is so upsetting.

the two things cal fears the most is being a failure and going insane. his father has a habit of using his mother’s temper, drug addiction, and mental illness again him, kind of saying things like i had you don’t end up her, son (even though his father has plenty of issues himself he could pass down to him). and he is like his mother in a lot of ways. he definitely has an anger problem and has had one since he was incredibly young, but it’s always something he’s tried to cover up his entire life. the thing is, though, it’s easy to make him snap. especially when things don’t go his way or he doesn’t get what he wants. those are the two instances that really set him off. he has the need to succeed, and he doesn’t want anything short of perfect. how far his anger can go honestly really scares him (and what happened with octavia was just an example of that). for a guy who looks and acts like he has everything, he is extremely insecure and has major abandonment issues deep down, resulting from all of the trauma he’s been put through between his parents.

he loves control and loves to be made to think he’s in control. in reality, because of his father, he’s no stranger to manipulation. so it makes sense on how it easy it was for lady macbeth to get him to do what he did, even though he went much farther than what she had originally asked him to do. really, all she had to do what boost his ego and ultimately, he probably got off on thinking he’s this tough guy who’s going to protect her, because at the end of the day he’s never felt in control of his life because his dad’s always been calling the shots and making him how he wanted him to be (and what he wants him to be is kind of ambiguous... like he doesn’t really want him to be a good person, so what is it then? someone who will do anything it takes to be successful and win?)

so diving into the murder... i mean, cal is not a sociopath... i think he was raised by someone who had sociopathic tendencies and these may have rubbed off on him a bit. is he a good person? obviously not with what he’s done, but even before that i feel like that area was kind of grey. there was this cutthroat, narcissistic edge about him and while he displayed this charming mask to his peers, he may have been closer to snapping than even he himself realized. he definitely wasn’t raised to have an outstanding moral compass; he was raised to be the best, and looking at his household, chaos is kind of what he knows and thrives on even though he wouldn’t admit that. he’s the type of guy that people like to a certain extent or have to give praise to but if you’re looking closely, there’s just something off like he’s almost too successful? or maybe he never seems genuine? he definitely strives to display this image of perfection, but sometimes so much so that it’s almost unnerving? he will take the necessary measures to get what he wants and ultimately, he’s gone too far. he does feel guilty, but it’s also triggered this weird grey area on him because he’s literally got away with murder.

his mental state is just really fractured and i feel like it’s getting harder for him to decipher what is reality and what’s not if that makes sense? like he’ll go through periods of extreme guilt, especially being plagued by horrible nightmares and being haunted by octavia’s ghost. but he also has this sense of feeling a bit untouchable? maybe awakening a god complex in him? i feel like that idea was sort of already there before, but it’s just magnified now and at points he’s just on the verge of a mental breakdown, not sure what to do? confess, try to carry on with his life, experiment with the idea of being able to get away with anything?

he’s deeply terrified of people finding out, but he’s also down deep a very wounded person and feels like maybe that’s what he deserves (his father always made it out like he didn’t deserve his charmed life, he never felt worthy of his mother’s love, now he’s a murderer...)

[kdramaxoxo]

I'm such a goner when it comes to morally grey characters with a troubled past. Even when they are villains, there's something so engaging about them. Do you have any show recommendations with such characters? I want to ruin my life a little more!

I feel this ask hard. I’ve always been attracted to villains instantly, and I’m kinda trying these days to resist straight up murderers? …It’s a process :P 

My favorite morally grey characters in K-Dramas

Side note: I’ve noticed that my list is mostly men…What’s up with that? Can anyone add any other awesome morally grey ladies to this list?

The Smile has left your eyes - Kim Moo-Young

Aside from this k-drama being a masterpiece that’ll leave you a pile of tears, Seo in Guk as Kim Moo-Young is the perfect example of a morally grey character you will fall in love with. He’s involved in a murder plot line, uses women to get what he wants and is clearly hiding something. You’ll try to resist being interested in him sure, but you’ll fail.

Come and Hug Me: Yoon Hyun-Moo

Everyone (and I mean everyone) in this show is extremely damaged with PTSD from abuse and it shows. Yoon Hyun-Moo is the neglected brother of Nah Moo the golden child, and the son of a murderer. He harbors a ton of resentment and is incredibly violent, but when he finally gets back in touch with his step mom and step sister, your heart will melt for him.

Goblin: Grim Reaper

Most of you have watched this drama but I’ll try hard not to spoil it. The Grim Reaper is such a hilarious character in the current time line but in order to be a Grim Reaper, you have to have done something “bad” to become one. His pain is deep and cutting and you’ll want to protect him.

Scarlet Heart Ryeo: Wang Soo a.k.a Everyone’s Favorite Morally Grey Character

Scarlet heart will destroy you, but you’ll also find yourself deeply empathetic to (and totally in love with) the most toxic of princes: Wang Soo. Cast out by his relatives, and treated like an animal he’s deeply wounded and despite knowing in your heart that he’s done terrible things, you’ll find yourself making excuses for him and imagining him as your boyfriend (wait…can you ignore that last sentence?)

Hello Monster: Lee Hyun and His Brother Jung Sun-Ho

Featuring two brothers who have a murderous backstory, both are morally grey. Sure one is definitely “orse” than the other when it comes to being a murder baby but let’s face it - they both have their problems (sorry, didn’t want to post any spoilers so that’s all I can say about that!)

The Crowned Clown: Ha-seon The King

The contrast between the good guy and the bad guy in this historical drama are so interesting to watch because one brilliant actor (Yeo Jin Goo) plays the same character. The king is insane and a murderer. He’s terrible in every way with literally no way to be redeemed but you’ll still feel for him…just watch.

Other Morally Grey Characters:

A Korean Odyssey: pretty much all of them?

This fantasy show follows a bunch of deities including Son Oh-Gong and Ma-Wang. Most of these deities take advantage of the humans on earth and like to cause trouble, making them obviously morally grey. Some are straight up evil but you’ll still love them and everyone will feel heart ache for the zombie girl.

Chicago Typewriter: Baek Tae-min

Baek Tae-min plays the brother of the lead who’s a famous author while he tries to make a name for himself doing the same thing. He’s super weak-minded and highly manipulative but dangit I felt so bad for him. His family is horrible to him and honestly I think the drama writers hate him because his other storyline makes him straight up evil.

It’s Okay that’s love: Jang Jae-yeol

This is one of those cold male leads that you’ll just end up liking even though he’s kinda the worst in that “Pickup Artist” type of way? I had this show listed in my top 10 but then I recently watched it again and realized I’ve made progress in my “don’t like jerks who display jerk behavior” because he’s kinda an ass. You’ll soften for him when the plot moves along for sure, but he’s aggressive and says really sexist things sometimes (as does most of the male characters honestly - i really need to remove this from my top 10)…

Are You Human Too: Human Nam Shin

Now, no one is really in love with Human Nam Shin - we are all in love with his AI version. BUT, because they are compared and contrasted so much, you’ll find yourself feeling bad for his very sad rich person’s back story. Plus he’s a straight up hottie.

Terius Behind Me: Jin Yong-Tae

Basically the bad guy in this show but he’s hilarious and just super quirky. Terius Behind me is an amazingly funny action/mystery show that I just straight up recommend but I really love the bad guy for reasons (no spoilers)

Legend of the Blue sea: Heo Joon-Jae’

I’m going to call this Morally Grey Lite. He’s not a villain or murderer but he’s definitely not a good guy in the current timeline. His job is a con artist and he basically steals and cheats people for a living, getting by on his good looks and…magic LOL?! But it’s fun and he’s likable – I think Lee Min Ho does best in these kinds of roles.

[lordandladybridgerton]

The Angry Tide - Chapter Eleven

What really went down on the trip home to Cornwall...

Major book spoiler under the cut

Part III

Torrential December rain flooded the road near Marlborough, and Ross and Caroline’s coach was held up for a day.  Sunday the 8th they spent in Plymouth and they knew that tomorrow they’d be home. 

They had dined together each day and supped together together pleasantly each evening and had talked of many subjects from the insanity of the Czar to the tax on horses; but they had kept off personal issues.  Ross found Caroline an agreeable companion, witty when she talked but economical of speech. She didn’t have Demelza’s small conversation. 

They were sleeping at the Fountain Inn, and dining in one of the comfortable boxes with the red plush sheets and walnut table; and eventually it was Ross who for the first time drew aside the polite veil that existed between them.  He reminded Caroline of the meeting he had contrived between Dwight and herself at the inn. It was scarcely more than six years ago, in fact. 

‘It seems half a lifetime’ said Caroline. ‘And must seem more still to Dwight, covering as it does not merely his captivity in France but four years of marriage to me!’

‘I have often wondered,’ Ross said, ‘at my arrogance in bringing you together almost by force, at my supposing I knew better than you and he whether you should become husband and wife’. 

‘The trouble is, Ross’ she said ‘that you’re an arrogant man. Sometimes it is a great virtue and sometimes not’. 

‘Well, which was it on that occasion?’

She smile.  She had changed for supper into a gown of cool green velvet, her favourite colour, because it contrasted with her auburn hair and brought out the green in her eyes, which could often with other colours look plain hazel or grey. 

‘A virtue,’ she said. ‘Dwight is the only man I’ve ever wanted to marry… Though perhaps not the only man I’ve ever wanted to bed.’

Ross cut up a piece of the mutton on his plate and added some caper sauce. 

‘I don’t think that makes you so unusual,’ he said. 

‘No… we all look elsewhere from time to time. But then we glance away.’

‘Usually…’

She ate a little, picked at her meat. 

She said abruptly: ‘Dwight and I, you and Demelza; do you realize how moral we are by the standards of today?’

‘No doubt.’

‘No doubt at all. So many of my friends in London… But forget London. This county we live in.  Add up the number of affairs that are going on, some secret, some blatant, among our friends, or their friends. And the same, thought perhaps to a different pattern, among the poor.

Ross took a sip of wine. ‘It has always been so.’

‘Yes. But also there has been a small core of real marriages existing amongst the rest - marriages in which love and fidelity and truth have maintained their importance.  Yours is one and mine is one. Isn’t that so?’

‘Yes.’

Caroline took a long draught of wine, half a glass as against Ross’s sip. She leaned back against the red plush.  ‘For instance, Ross, I could lie happily with you tonight.’

His eyes went quickly up to hers. ‘Could you?’

‘Yes. In fact I’ve always wanted to - as perhaps you know.’

‘Do I?’

They looked at each other. 

‘I think so.  I believe you could take me as few other men could take me - matching my arrogance with your own.’

There was silence between them. 

‘But…’ she said.

‘But?’

‘But it could not be. Even if you are willing. I have the instinct of a wanton but the emotions of a wife.  I have too much love for Dwight. And too much love for Demelza. And perhaps even too much love for you.’

He raised his eyes and smiled at her. ‘That’s the nicest compliment of all.’

The colour in her face came and went.  ‘I am not here to pay you compliments, Ross, but only - I’m only trying to say some things that I think you should hear.  If we got rid of Ellen - as we easily could - and spent all night making love, and if then the first time I went to Nampara I told Demelza about it, do you think she would be hurt?’

‘Yes.’

‘So do I.  But I am a good friend of hers now. We are deeply attached to each other.  Perhaps in time she would forgive me.’

‘What are you trying to say?’

‘I’m trying to say that if I told her what had happened between us she would be hurt. But no more so, I believe, than you hurt her in London.’

Ross put down his knife. ‘I don’t understand at all.’

‘You killed a man because of her.  Oh, I know it was his challenge.  And I know the quarrel was about some seat in the House. And I know you disliked each from the start. But it was really because of her the you killed him, wasn’t it?’

‘Partly, yes. But I don’t see-‘

‘Ross, when you fought Monk Adderley, it was not really him you were killing, was it?’ 

‘Wasn’t it?’

‘No… it was Hugh Armitage.’

He took a gulp of wine this time. ‘Damn you, Caroline, it was a plain straightforward duel-‘

‘It was nothing of the sort, and you know it! You killed him because you couldn’t kill Hugh Armitage, who died anyway.  But Hugh was a gentle, virile, sensitive man - the only sort Demelza would ever have, could ever have felt deeply drawn to. You must have known from the beginning that she wouldn’t have spared so much as a thought for a wild worthless rake like Monk Adderley.’

‘Sometimes one doesn’t think these things out.’

‘Of course one doesn’t think them out - that’s the trouble! Yours was a totally emotional act.  But you were fighting the wrong man just the same.’ 

Ross pushed his plate away and put his fingers on the table. 

‘And don’t get up and leave me,’ she said ‘for I should consider that a piece of very ungentlemanly behaviour.’

‘I have no intention of getting up and leaving you. But I can listen better to your lecture if I am not eating.’

‘The lecture is over, so you may enjoy the rest of your supper in silence.’

‘After than I’m not sure that I want to enjoy my supper either in silence of in seasonable conversation.’

‘Perhaps I should not have spoken.’

‘If you believe it, then you should.  I am trying to think hard of what you’ve just said, to be - rational about it instead of emotional.  D’you know your the second person in two weeks to accuse me of making emotional decisions.  You’ll never guess who the first was. But so be it. Let me think…’

She toyed again with her meat for a few moments, broke a piece of bread with her long fingers but make no move to eat it. 

He said: ‘There may be some truth in it. How am I to be sure? Certainly I’ve felt a lot, and thought a lot, about Demelza and Hugh these last two years. When I first found out about Demelza it was as if I had lost some belief - some faith in human character. It was not so much her I blamed as - as something in humanity.  You must not laugh at me for sounding silly and pompous.’

‘I’m not doing so. But if-‘

‘It was like finding an absolute flawed.  If something has drive me of late, there may be jealousy in it but it is not just jealousy.  At times I have discovered a new lowness of spirit, a new need to revolt, to kick against the constraints that a civilized life tries to impose.’  He stopped and regarded her.  ‘Because what is civilized life but an imposition of unreal standards upon flawed and defective human beings by other human beings no less flawed and defective?  It has seemed to me that there is a rottenness to it that I have constantly wanted to kick against and to overset.’ He stopped again, breathing slowly, trying to marshal the complexities of his own feelings. 

‘And this has all come — this has derived from your estrangement from Demelza?’

‘Oh, not in its entirety.  But one and the other. One and the other. You called me an arrogant man just now, Caroline. Perhaps one aspect of arrogance lies in not being willing to accept what life sometimes expects one to accept.  The very feeling of jealousy is an offence to one’s spirit, it is a degrading sensation and should be stamped on.’ He tapped the table. ‘But so far as Demelza and Monk Adderley were concerned, I think you do me some injustice.  Demelza did give him encouragement, of a sort.  She was always exchanging asides with him, making another appointment - or at least permitting him to. And she allowed him to paw her -‘. 

‘Oh, nonsense’ Caroline said. ‘It is Demelza’s way to be friendly - to flirt a little out of sheer hight spirits.  Whenever she goes out, as you well know, some man or another is always attracted by her peculiar vitality and charm.  When she is enjoying herself she can’t resist giving off this - the challenging sparkle..  And men come to it.  And she enjoys that. But in all innocence, Ross, for God’s sake! As you must know. Are you going to challenge Sir Hugh Bodrugan to a duel? He has made more attempts on Demelza’s chastity than any two other men I know. What will you fight him with - walking sticks?’

Ross half laughed. ‘You must know that jealousy flares only when there is a risk.’

‘And do you seriously think that Monk Adderley constituted a risk?’

‘I … thought so.  It was not as simple a choice as that. And in any event he challenged me, not I him.’

Caroline shifted her position, and stretched. ‘Oh, that coach has tired me!… One more day and we shall be home.’

The waiter came and took away their plates but left the knives and fork for use again. 

Ross said quietly:  ‘Yes, I could sleep with you.’

She smiled at him. 

He said: ‘And for the same reasons will not’. 

‘Thank you Captain’. 

He said: ‘You’ve always been my firm friend - from so long ago. Almost before we knew each other well at all.’

‘I believed I fancied you from the beginning.’

‘I believe it was something more important than tat, even then.’

She shrugged but did not speak as the waiter came back. When he had gone again she said: ‘Perhaps I have been hard on you tonight, Ross… What a thing to say! Hard on you!  Strange for me to be in this position I’ve never before dared!  Well, I understand - a little - how you must have felt about Hugh and Demelza.  It has been - irking, festering in your soul for two years.  And the rest too, if you will.  I don’t deny that a single disillusion, if deeply felt, can lead to a general disillusion.  Well… But now the blood is let.  Even if it be the wrong blood. Let us not discuss any more the merits or demerits of your quarrel with Monk Adderley.  It is over and nothing can revive it. Well, so is your quarrel with Hugh Armitage. So should be your quarrel with humanity. And so should you quarrel with Demelza. She has been desperately affronted by what happened in London. The rights and wrongs of it do not matter so much as that you killed a man because of her, and that you risked everything, your life, her life - in a way - for a senseless quarrel which to a well-bred person may seem the ultimate and honourable way of settling a difference, but to a miner’s daughter, with her sense of values so firmly and sanely earthy, looks like the petulance of a wicked man.’

‘God,’ said Ross.  ‘Well, I will keep that in my heart and let that fester a while.’

‘You spoke to me straight six years ago, ‘ said Caroline.  ‘I speak to you straight now.’

‘Out of love?’  he asked. 

She nodded. ‘Out of love.’ 

[hcourageous]

It’s come to my attention that amidst the glory that is Wonder Woman many people are saying “This is what a DC movie should be like” and that godforsaken article “the dceu is in trouble everyone liked Wonder Woman” all the while blatantly ignoring the vivid and prominent parallels between Wonder Woman and the other DC movies, specifically Man of Steel and Batman v Superman, because they seem to be at center of all the vitriol. Some of these aren’t parallels necessarily, just things BvS and MoS have been criticized for that magically no one mentioned about Wonder Woman.

Let’s start out with the most obvious, yeah?

1. Wonder Woman was FUN!!!

No. It wasn’t. Let me explain, I had a blast in this movie, it moved me, it made me laugh, it made me cry, it made my blood pump and while I am so blown away by seeing a movie directed with the female gaze and with all these amazing female warriors, this isn’t a FunTM movie. It’s set in World War I for god’s sake. It never shies away from the atrocities experienced by the citizens and soldiers in this war. It shows realistically what PTSD looks like through Charlie. It brings up interesting and complex ideas and hard facts about racism, politics, sexism and the arrogance of mankind. There are light moments for sure, but it isn’t bouncy happy fun all the time. I would say it isn’t humorous or light the majority of the time either. It’s a very serious movie, it expects you to take it seriously and you do. The thing is, Batman v Superman and Man of Steel are the SAME way. There’s humorous moments, light moments, but they are serious movies with complex ideas about heroism and being an immigrant in a strange world and how the darkness can corrupt even the most justice and moral driven of heroes. I had in watching them. I had amazing experiences. So did many others. But none of these movies are “fun” movies. They don’t shy away from sacrifice or darkness. They acknowledge that. You can have fun experiencing the movie, and laugh at its humor, but it isn’t a lighthearted film.

2. Colors!!

I mean, we’ve all hear the terms “dark and gritty” and “lacking color” when talking about the DCEU, which is frankly bullshit but I digress. Wonder Woman wasn’t really “colorful” either. Themiscyra was, but I mean it’s a magically hidden island of Amazons from ancient times. But as soon as they leave the island, the world is grey and dark and dismal. Diana calls it hideous. But this didn’t seem to detract anyone from enjoying the movie or following the story. Diana’s suit isn’t even that brightly colored, something Henry Cavill’s Superman has been criticized constantly about. Both movies use color and the lack thereof, shadows, darkness, to help tell the story.

3. Mental health/Triggering

Both Wonder Woman and Batman v Superman tackle PTSD in very real, pointed ways. Each depicts scenes where characters clearly struggle with nightmares, triggers, and outbursts from what they’re experiencing. Both did so in a compelling and realistic way and yet one was mocked relentlessly and one was not. Batman v Superman lingers on the mental health issues the characters are experiencing more, but they are central parts of the story and how it progresses. Bruce’s PTSD is what allows him to be manipulated by Lex’s games. Charlie’s PTSD is real and heartbreaking, but he is surrounded by friends and people who understand, Bruce is largely along besides Alfred who honestly doesn’t now how to help anymore.

4. The name game

So something I heard over and over as a criticism for Man of Steel was that no one calls him “Superman”. People said Zack Snyder was afraid to use the name, despite the fact this was an origin story and he wasn’t Superman yet. Despite the fact that Captain Ferris calls him Superman by the end of the film(and I agree Ferris, he’s totally hot). Yet Wonder Woman was not called by “Wonder Woman” in the film and no one seemed to have any problem with that.

5. Stories about sacrifice

This one really gets my goat. Man of Steel ended in the destruction of Metropolis, but the hope we could rebuild. Batman v Superman ended with Clark’s death, but the idea that men are still good, justice is coming. Wonder Woman ended with Steve’s death, but that love is the most powerful motivation for heroism. All three of these things are important, and yet BvS was trashed for implying that heroism requires sacrifice and Clark should have just given Diana the spear. Well, as Wonder Woman also expertly showed us, sometimes, you can’t do everything. Diana told Steve whatever it was, she could do it. But she couldn’t. There was no time. He could save the day, but she needed to save the world. In Batman v Superman a similar situation unfolds: a creature from another word. Batman has the gas, but he’s a weak human compared to Doomsday. Diana is strong, but she’s holding Doomsday back with the lasso. And there’s Clark who knows that he has to do something. He has the spear. When you can do something you have the responsibility to. That’s what being a hero means. So he does. In both cases that sacrifice reminded the heroes of what heroism really is about: hope, love, the fact that humanity is deeply flawed but worth fighting for. This lesson is also demonstrated in Man of Steel when Clark has to kill Zod to save a family.

6. The Hero loses faith

When Batman v Superman came out Superman/Clark was heavily criticized about the fact that he has a crisis of faith, right after the bombing and before Doomsday it really looks like Clark is going to give up. That he’s going to hang up the cape and give up the dream of being the people’s guardian. Diana has a similar experience. After fake-Ares is killed and she sees that nothing stopped, she has an absolute breakdown. Her entire worldview, everything she was taught was shaken and uprooted. Steve tries to convince her that people are worth believing in, and when he can’t he goes back to doing what he must do. He must help save people. In both situations, the heroes are put to the test when people they love are put in danger and face real doubts about heroism and themselves. In both cases, each hero makes the choice to continue the battle. Diana saves Doctor Poison, choosing to believe in humanity and and take down Ares. Clark does his best to reason with Bruce, who he considered a violent vigilante, to stand down, and even after the fight goes beyond his control he begs him to save Martha, he doesn’t care if Bruce kills him first, as long as he saves her. He puts his trust in Bruce’s humanity and THAT is why they are able to put their differences aside to help fight Doomsday. In both cases the crisis of faith were important developmental moments, showcasing to the audience how grueling and disheartening being a hero is sometimes. Sometimes people don’t understand, they vilify you, they mistrust you. Sometimes you don’t win, and those failures have a high cost. Do you keep going? Both these movies answer yes.

Listen, I’m really not asking you to like the other DC movies if you liked Wonder Woman. They are different movies and each film had different strengths and weaknesses, but I am saying that as a whole MoS and BvS have gotten some pretty unfair criticism due to largely what I think comes down to Zack Snyder. Some people don’t want to like his films, so they don’t. But in the light of all that Wonder Woman is getting praise for, which it deserves, that both the other films did well along side it is hypocritical. Patty and Allan did an incredible job, but I would like to remind people that Zack casted Gal Gadot, not Patty, and Zack, along with others, helped write the story that Allan adapted into a screenplay. This movie was a team effort in a grand scheme of films that had its own wonderful unique qualities while sharing the ideals and driving force that its predecessors did.