#what if you stopped being cowards and loved marley

[peachymilkandcream]

Break Me Slowly|Part 15|Yandere Levi x Evelyn

(A/N: It's so crazy to think that 15 parts is already here, and the amount of love and support shown to these two has been amazing! As stated before but incase anyone didn't see, NSFW and smut will not be cut out of the main story! There will still be smut scenes and the dom Levi we all know. Thank you guys so much for the support, and once this series ends I would love to do one in the same universe but it's not only Reiner's POV but a Reiner x reader because let's be honest the one-sided pining is killing us. Also you guys will be able to tell that I've been waiting to write this chapter.)

WARNINGS: noncon, dubcon, manipulation, domestic abuse, yandere themes, forced marriage, forced pregnancy, stockholm syndrome, violence, mind breaking, misogyny, etc.

==============================================

Get out, get out, that's all she could think about. It was gone, everything Evelyn wanted was gone. Where even was Reiner? Was he killed too? All the people crushed by rubble, it was just like the Titans all over again. She was too late, she didn't stop whatever was supposed to happen from happening. So many dead, all because of her, and now Levi was here, he was coming to take her away. The terror gripping her is finally what made her stop, Gabi's hand slipping out hers.

"What are you doing? We're supposed to be running-"

A shake of the head clears her thoughts enough to form a stupid lie. "I-...I should go help the others- they're in danger and I have to help-!" Evelyn sprints in the opposite direction, pretending to return to the heated battle. When in reality she ducks down the nearest alleyway, forcing her head between her legs and sitting on the ground to calm her breathing, her own vomit staining the ground. She was a damn coward, countless battles she had fought in her career, a hardened veteran, one of the few who made it back, and because of one man she was shaking in fear. "Get ahold of yourself-"

"Miss? Miss are you alright? We can bring you to safety-"

Evelyn looks into the face of a Marley soldier, but all she sees in the rifle in his hand, with that she could keep Levi away. A thought comes to mind, a plan racing through her mind. "I can't get up, I think the rubble injured my leg-"

The soldier looks around before pulling a wobbly crutch from the body of a dead civilian. "Will this help?"

She nods and takes it, standing in mock pain. Now facing forward he can see the armband Reiner gave her, while it was red like the other warriors, the soldier still made a face of disgust. "Come with me Eldian."

The moment he turns, she raises the crutch as high as she can and brings it down on his head with the most force she can muster, the sickening crack on his skull ringing in her ears.

The man falls, and Evelyn uses the situation to grab the rifle and fire a shot off into his head, no witnesses, no one Levi could find and torture for the truth. Sure she was thinking a little too far ahead but she didn't doubt Levi's methods of returning her to his clutches. She takes off, running and running, not sure where else to go but away from the chaos.

But even if she did, where would she go? As long as they both lived he'd come looking for her. Every corner of the earth would be scoured until she was safe again his bed. Evelyn stopped dead in her tracks and stared down at the gun, what if...during all this Levi was killed in action by an unknown bullet? She'd be safe, she could go home..

Hope of a better life propelled her to the top of that building, there was no scope but she had a full clip of bullets. She searched for him among the screams and blood, Eren's carnage almost made her lose her nerve of being so close to the frontline. But the glimpse of her husband focused her once again.

A shot was fired, and missed, if only he would stop moving she could aim properly. Another shot and missed, and another, and another. She was desperate, not taking the time to aim as she should as the thought of returning to him filled her mind. The dreaded click of an empty chamber made her freeze, there had to be more! She couldn't be out! Not now! Evelyn threw the gun down on the roof tiles, frustrated, she had to find more.

"It's one of those dirty devil warriors." A voice from behind her said.

She turns, three soldiers close in on her, she couldn't get down now without breaking a leg, or her neck. How stupid did she have to be to not check her surroundings? Now she was vulnerable and at the mercy of gravity or the whims of angry men. Slowly Evelyn backed to the edge, she didn't have a plan, what could she do? Her feet struggled to stay on the tip of the roof, before eventually slipping, making her lose her balance and plummet rapidly towards the approaching ground.

The wind whistled in her ears as she fell, maybe finally she would die and be free of this hell. She didn't want to die, but maybe this was a sign that it's what needed to happen. The child in her stomach would perish as well, but maybe that was for the best, if she lived then she could love and nurture it, and not leave it to its cruel father. All this and more rushed through her head, her life achievements, and what little they amounted to.

She hit something, and then she was rising. If this is what the afterlife was it wasn't so bad, warmth and rising towards heaven. She felt...safe. A rare thing to feel.

It lasted until her eyes travelled up, Levi's face not focused on her, but on where they were going. He had snatched her from the paradise of life after death, selfishly wanting to keep her alive long enough to satisfy his desire.

She was set down in the floating ship, Levi taking only a moment to check her for any injury before flying off again. He didn't know, he couldn't have known that she had just tried and failed to kill him, if he did, he wouldn't act so concerned. Or maybe he had changed, but no, the thought was too ridiculous, he could never change.

===========================================

Levi studied his wife as he took off his gear, the death of his Scouts and even that of Sasha's was irrelevant when it came to her. What had she been doing in Marley? Why hadn't she made contact according to Eren. What kept her so damn busy? The way she avoided eye-contact wasn't helping his suspicions either.

"Evelyn." His voice was stern as he stood beside her.

"Captain." Her voice was cold, unfeeling, like her fear had died down.

His eye twitched before his foot contacted her jaw, busting her lip open and making it bleed, her face would bruise soon. "I don't like your attitude. You're gone for this long and this is how you treat me?"

Evelyn wipes her lip, studying the blood for a moment. "Nice to see you again too honey-"

"Watch it. Keep it up and I'll have you blow me in front of everyone."

To her credit she remains quiet, not daring to push him further but eyeing him with discontent.

"Much better. Now are you hurt anywhere?"

"Just a couple scratches and bruises."

"Glad to hear it, Petra!"

Almost instantly the woman in question appears, most likely waiting for a chance to be near her Captain again. She's all smiles looking at him, but her expressions change a few times when looking at Evelyn. "You called for me Levi?"

"Make sure my wife is fed and kept warm, she's done a lot in the past month." Levi takes his long green military coat and puts it around Evelyn's shoulders. "I'll be back love." With a kiss on the forehead he exits, most likely to interrogate their new prisoner.

The two women scowl at each other, waiting for someone to make the first move.

Eventually Petra does, her arms crossed. "Hungry?"

"Well actually-"

"You know I was actually hoping to talk to you about something."

"I mean, go ahead?"

"Since you've been gone Levi's been kind of, needy- It's obvious that he never gives you a moment's peace does he?"

"I guess you could say so, why?"

"Be honest, you can barely keep up with his appetite. And, in the name of friendship, I've found a way to help get him off your back."

Evelyn is surprised, she always had a sneaking suspicion Petra didn't like her, but now she was willing to make her married life better. "Oh really? What is it?"

"Why don't you think about, opening your marriage?"

She blinks a few times to make sure she heard correctly. "Excuse me?"

"Well then he could have another outlet for his desires and you could get some rest."

"And let me guess, you want that outlet to be you?"

She blushes. "I-I'm not saying that, but I'd be open-"

Evelyn scoffs. "Of course you are, you're just looking to sleep with my husband you fucking whore."

Petra becomes visibly angry, upset that Evelyn would call her out like this. "How dare you! He should've been with me from the start, you just toy with his feelings and don't give him the love he deserves!"

"You don't know a damn thing about my marriage Petra, you don't know what kind of person he is. You don't know the things I know. You're head over heels to a man you've only scratched the surface on, I know who he is, I know what he is. And damn it he's the biggest fucking asshole known to man but I'll be damned if some bitch thinks it's fine to suck his dick when he's got a ring on his finger."

She's shocked and offended that Evelyn threw her love for Levi out the window like that. How dare she, Petra should push her right out the window and rid Levi of this bitch. Even as Evelyn steps in the opposite direction that Levi had come from minutes ago Petra can barely control the rage building up inside her. If only she knew while plotting such murderous thoughts that there was someone on the other side of the door listening in on their conversation.

=============================================

The one thing Evelyn never missed about the Survey Corps was reports, meaningless hours of eye-witness details surrounding a mission. It felt like no matter how much she described Erwin and Levi were still suspicious of what had exactly gone on, however she couldn't exactly blame them, telling either of them about the pregnancy was out of the question, they couldn't know.

"And you say that Braun offered you a place to stay out of his own free will? What could have been his angle?"

This was the part she kept repeating, while the two had been equally interrogating her when it came to describing her time with Reiner, Levi was deadly quiet.

"That's correct, although I suspect the angle was to win my trust."

Levi stared at his wife, jealousy burning through him, that punk bastard had tried to seduce his wife, he knew it. Taking her in to pounce on her vulnerability. If he ever saw that asshole again he would make sure he would never see another sunrise.

He glanced up and saw a familiar shape filling the small crack in the doorway. Exhaustion had kept either from mentioning the altercation Evelyn had with Petra the night before, and much to his annoyance exhaustion had kept them from doing something else he wanted too, but that was for another time.

"Will you excuse me a minute Commander?"

Erwin nods and Levi takes his leave, quickly stepping into the hall and chasing Petra down the hall.

"Petra wait-"

She turns, sunshine and rainbows as if their last interaction had never happened. "Captain?"

He puts on a mask of embarrassment. "About last time...I'm sorry, I just, reacted. I was testy over Evelyn being gone for so long. I hope there aren't any hard feelings."

She beams. "Of course not-! I understand, I do. And it's okay, it's been rough on you."

"Tell me about it. Ever since she came back-" He sighs. "I don't know, she's not the same."

"Oh?" The lack of concern in her voice is blatant, but he chooses to ignore it.

"She's just been avoiding me, and...I don't know. This isn't the place to talk about it."

Petra boldly touches his arm. "Is there somewhere you'd like to talk about it?"

"Well...she's in for interrogation, so the house will be empty. If you'd like."

Right on schedule she agrees, taking his arm as the two take the short walk home.

============================================

When they arrive he sets her down in the living room, choosing to sit beside her and rest his hand on her leg. "It's been a while since it was just us Petra."

Once again her cheeks colour. "Yes it has..."

"Why did we stop?"

"Well, your marriage, it didn't seem right."

He sighs. "My marriage. What a mistake."

"You really think so?"

"If I had known I would be denied my marital rights I would've gone to someone else ages ago."

"Oh you poor thing, you're needy aren't you?" She takes his head in her hands, turning him towards her.

"So needy-" His voice is husky as she brings him in towards her lips. Until suddenly he pulls away. "Wait, not like this. I want it to be special."

"It?" She asks nervously.

"The moment you've been waiting for right?"

"Well, yes-"

"Then wait right there and close your eyes."

She follows his instructions, excited to finally have the moment she's been dreaming of come true. Her, and the love of her life. They could be together and he would leave Evelyn for her. Tingles raced up and down Petra's skin as she heard his footsteps renter the room, although she silently cursed herself for not wearing sexier panties into work today.

"I'm ready for my surprise now Levi." She says, heart racing as she hears him closer, letting out a little giggle. "Aren't you going to say something? Keeping me in suspense here."

Unease fills her, he was quiet, too quiet. Just as she's about to open her eyes his soft hands come to her neck, comforting her instantly. She was so wrong to doubt him.

"Shh my love...you'll have your reward now."

Petra could melt, how could Evelyn not appreciate this sexy and thoughtful man, getting this every night would be heaven. She sighs, truly this was worth the wait.

Or it was, until Levi's belt tightened around her neck, cutting off air. Her eyes flew open, clawing at him, the leather, anything, but there was no give.

"Evelyn was right you know, there's a lot you don't know about me." His voice was still that velvety soft calm.

She fought harder, she couldn't even cry out, he was too strong, this isn't what she imagined.

"You could never have truly loved me Petra." He chuckles once. "I'm not the man I seem to be. I rape my wife every night in an attempt to get her pregnant, beat her within an inch of her life if she refuses. I've starved, hit, overstimulated, and denied Evelyn every sensation, all to break her mind and make her my perfect housewife. I forced her to marry me after blackmailing Erwin, claiming anyone else she's crazy if the truth comes out." Again he laughs. "It's kinda nice getting this all out to someone. Thank you."

Petra feels weaker with each second, her attempts to fight back less and less potent.

"When I catch her trying to escape I lock her away, she's my prisoner. And anyone who comes between us, like you, is disposed of." He increases the pressure on her throat. "I've killed twelve people in the past month alone, I guess after you I'll have to break the unlucky number."

She feels herself fading, the image of this perfect man shredded before the stars in her eyes. Her world fading to black at the hands of the man she once loved.

"You got in between us Petra, only I have a right to say those things to my wife. You've insulted her and our marriage for the last time. May the fiery pits of hell open up for you my friend."

Levi drops her limp body, pushing it from the couch to the floor, making quick work of going to the shed and returning with an axe. Swinging blow after blow as he cuts her body to ribbons. Blood splatters everywhere, but in the high of death it barely phases him, this is how far he would go for his beloved.

=============================================

Evelyn opens the door to the house, she was a little surprised Levi let her walk home alone but she wasn't one to complain about a bit of freedom. It was dark and quiet, it seemed like no one was home at first, until she noticed the flicker of the fireplace in the living room.

"Levi? Are you home?"

As she steps in the room her whole body freezes, the blood, the body, all of it sinking in. She was horrified, but it didn't affect her as much as it should have. Levi's murderous rampages had become normal as of late, and she had killed a maid or two herself.

He sits on the couch in front of the body, smoking, he only did this when he had killed someone, the smoke filling the air hiding his piercing gaze.

"Come here." He motions to her without meeting her eyes.

With nothing to say she complies, sitting beside him on the couch, staring at the disfigured mess that was Petra. He was terrifying, but she knew he would protect her at whatever cost, that was oddly comforting.

Evelyn held her stomach, praying that she could find some way to tame this monster before his child was born.

[kylaschuyler]

Those Who Lived That Kept Them Alive

WORDS: 1203

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51354691

Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager, Levi Ackerman/Hange Zoë

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Post-War, Post-Canon, Grieving Ackermans, General grieving tho heavy implications of ships, They/Them Pronouns for Hange Zoë, I spelled Yeager as Jeager, Fluff and Angst

Language: English

BASED ON: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gnypiKNaJE

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE ERRORS SINCE ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE.

Joining the Survey Corps is like digging your grave, yet many tried to achieve glory. Losing a limb in the name of humanity is honorable; to die is a legacy. No one is safe; no one can control who lives, who dies, and who will tell their stories. 

Admit it or not, Eren temporarily stops the impending war between Marley and Paradis, but that doesn't mean that his actions are justifiable. Genocide is wrong; civilians and children are mostly the victims, barely the rich and the powerful. Commander Erwin Smith's story is a myth covered in gold, and Floch's legacy as a mighty hero echoes throughout the island despite being the coward he is. The remaining soldiers get to live a long life; it is a blessing to see another day, but not when grieving, not when the beloved dear bid their goodbye for the last time.

Mikasa lived another 50 years, married Jean, had a family with him, and was contented with the love she was giving and receiving. Mikasa loved Jean for who he was, yet at the same time, she is a hypocrite if she says that she never saw Eren in Jean at least once and never wished to have a family and grow old with Eren instead. 

Levi, on the other hand, lived with Onyankopon and was visited by his comrades, who were once teenagers that he looked after. 

Other than blood and surname, Levi and Mikasa have another in common, and that is losing the person they love the most on the same day for the exact cause that is hated, depending on which perspective. Hange and Eren both sacrificed their lives to save people. The people of Paradis hate Hange because they lead the Alliance, aiming to stop the rumbling; meanwhile, Eren is hated by those who survived. 

Mikasa visits Levi alone when she has time; she knows the only person who can understand her is him, who is also in the same situation. The older Ackerman was on the vast garden porch, calmly sitting in his wheelchair. "Someone fucked with Jaeger's grave again?" Levi asked concernedly, yet his voice remained monotonous, as usual. He saw burns in her fingers, most likely from the bleach she used to clean the vandals in Eren's grave. "How many times do I have to tell you to use gloves?" without another spoken word, Mikasa knelt and cried on his knees like a child. "Hange remains to live up to her dirty reputation even after death." it somehow made her chuckle, "How can you forgive those who did it?" she asked while sobbing, "I never, I cursed 50 generations of their descendants to suffer." Levi seriously answered. It took years before Mikasa understood Levi's humor; it is dry and unhinged. "I am trying a new product that can remove inks and paint easily. I'll give you a bottle later." cleaning is his love language, one of the ways to let someone know they care, "Jaegerist cult trashed Hange's grave for the third time this month." he continued, At first, Levi thought that twice a month was enough to visit Hange's empty grave, not until he saw how people tried to erase their existence by destroying their remaining physical memory after the incident it became a routine for him to visit every week. "I am actually planning to build a fence full of barbed wire and broken glass to prevent people from disturbing their peace. You can do that with Jaeger, but it's unnecessary since one word from you, the government will send guards to look after it." 

"For what? To keep the royalists from thinking that Historia and Eren had a secret relationship, that he was the father of her daughter? I am tired of it. I am tired of people calling me 'EREN'S SISTER' just to keep their delusion alive." Mikasa sobbed."We're building a fence then."

"Can we work on a rose garden around it too?" She suggested last.

Levi accepted that Jaegerist managed to burn everything Hange owned; the mere fact made his blood boil, but what could he do? It happened already. 

"How did you know?" On his birthday, Levi received tons of gifts from friends. All of it is the things he loved, the little pleasures that made him feel alive. It is also the first birthday after the war, his first birthday without Hange, the only person who knows about it. "Don't you like it?"  Gabi asked. "He liked it so much that he stopped functioning." Connie joked, easing the child's worry. "Captain, do you remember when... when those assholes tried to burn the whole Survey Corps headquarter?" Jean carefully constructed his words so that his question wouldn't make Levi uncomfortable. "I do."  Armin took it as a signal to tell him what they did. "Months ago, we managed to save a few things by collecting what we could and by bribing some of the arsonists."  Connie and Jean, along with Onyakopon, carried boxes in front of Levi, "Huh?"  Confusion consumed him, "Open one." 

Inside the box, Hange's clothes and uniforms are neatly folded, "I thought..."  Levi opened another box, and it contained piles of their old research. "Everything that we gave to you today, captain, is from the commander's last to-buy list. They were supposed to give it to you after you came back from looking after Zeke."  Jean handed him a paper with Hange's handwriting on it.

Way back, they agreed that if one of them died, no one was allowed to cry. Levi could feel his tears from the side of his eyes, and he did his best to keep it from falling. 

"Thank you for watching over us," he mumbled. It won't bring them back to life, but it is enough to give him hope to live another day.

Archived research of Survey Corps that was led by Hange Zoe and their team was published; from the day he received it up to his last breath, he tried to make sense of their thousands of pages of writings. Hange really does write like they are running out of time.

He grieved, but he never cried, dedicated to keeping his promises to them. Levi proved to the world that he was the strongest man alive, with or without his physical strength. 

Levi was buried beside Hange. Finally, they fulfill their wishes to live together in peace.

Mikasa, on the other hand, helped Kaya to run Sasha's family orphanage. She raised funds and spoke out about the importance of peace, and diplomacy. She told the untold story of Eren's humanity, that he was left with no choice, and just like everyone, he feels regrets and remorse. Mikasa also reminded them Eren is no God.

In the children's eyes, she sees Eren, she sees herself, and their friends; glad that they are able to live in a world without walls. 

She might have chosen not to take part in what the others are doing, but Mikasa is proud of her work as much as she is proud of them. 

The time came; on the bed of roses, she was laid beside Eren. 

They lived, dedicated their hearts, and they successfully kept them alive. 

[attack-on-kiwi]

Hi! I really enjoy your writing and your characterization. Could I please request the rest of the fluff alphabet for post-timeskip Reiner? (whichever point is easiest for you to write from)

Check my master list for letters F, H, N, & R!

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

There isn’t much Reiner genuinely likes doing. He’s more than happy to just take part in whatever activities his s/o wants to do. At this point he doesn’t feel like he’s allowed to have an opinion or have any strong wants. This does bother his s/o, so they need to try and coax an answer from him.

They find out he enjoys going for walks. Reiner specifically likes going on long hikes where no other people are around. Sure, he enjoys walking around the marketplace, but there’s always a pressure that he’s going to be cut down at any given moment. Therefore, private hikes are more his scene. He���s able to relax and will be more willing to open up to his s/o during these hikes. 

If he had to pick another activity, it would be training together. He’d want to do something physical, such as sparring because it gives him an easy and familiar way to tease them in a more lighthearted manner, such as play wrestling. It’s one of the few times his s/o gets to see Reiner act his age and not put up walls. 

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

Resilience. The fact that his s/o is able to push through being with someone like him and still see the good in this terrible world has him weak. He feels undeserving of someone so good, but he’s too attached to even consider letting them go. 

To Reiner, their laugh is the most reassuring and calming sound. No matter if their laugh is a gentle chime or a crashing wave, he can’t get enough of it. He swears to himself whenever he makes them laugh, he falls more deeply in love with them than he thought could be possible. 

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Reiner wouldn’t really know where to start. His mind is racing with thoughts such as “Is there an attack?” and “Did they get hurt?”. He lacks tact when calming them down, gripping their shoulders and forcing them to look at him as he near demands them to spill what’s going on. When that doesn’t work, he tries to rethink his approach. He’ll breathe and calm himself before smoothing his palms over their arms and gently asking them what’s wrong. 

He’ll hug them tightly and wait as they relax. Whether they just cling to him until their breathing calms or they ride out their panic, he’s pressed his lips to the top of their head, mumbling “everything is fine” even if he doesn’t believe it himself.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

Reiner, like other warriors, doesn’t entertain the idea of having a future. This man has already resigned himself to the idea that he will be dead within a few years, so what is the point of him imagining a future? 

If he could have his way, he’d want a family. At least one child. Though, he wonders if his child would need a friend since he has no siblings that could provide cousins. Maybe two children, then, so they don’t get lonely. He thinks about how he wants a small, comfortable home away from the bustling of the towns. The seaside sounds ideal. Sometimes he imagines what it would feel like to have those children tucked between him and his partner while he told them exaggerated stories of the animals that lived in the forests. 

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

He’s physically dominant when it comes to most situation. He’ll put himself before his s/o and make sure they are always in his view. When it comes to intimacy, he teeters between being timid and overbearing. It’s difficult for him to find a balance between wanting to be careful and wanting to have his s/o to himself, and they often find him coming on too strong then becoming reclusive for a few moments after due to the fear of having possibly crosses a boundary. 

Reiner sees himself as a natural guardian, so it’s only to be expected that he takes on more traditionally protective roles.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

Reiner is extremely touched that his s/o would stay with a coward such as himself. He thanks them often and brings them gifts. Most of the time it’s food that would otherwise be difficult for them to get their hands on. 

He has a hard time getting out of his head but is able to see that his work and attitude does affect his s/o to a degree and tries to be as mindful as possible. Most times, this mindfulness is chalked up to a simple, “I don’t know what I’d do without you” which needs to be interpreted depending on the context of the situation and his emotional state.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

His s/o grounds him, but they haven’t made huge steps in affecting his personality. He is lost and needs to figure out how to depend on others, and unfortunately, he’s unable to do so credibly at the moment. His s/o hopes Reiner will one day be able to share his burdens with them, even if just a little bit. Reiner definitely teaches them to be patient. 

On the other hand, Reiner is happy to help them overcome their fears. He’s always got a solution and steps to help them get to their goals.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Yes. He’s insecure and is easily provoked by other people giving his s/o attention. If he sees them giving others intimate attention, he will become extremely suspicious and angry. Reiner tries to ignore it since he doesn’t want to cause a scene. Image is important to warriors, after all. He does cling to them more as he tries to calm himself, often holding their hands or hugging them close in private.

If he’s in a situation where he is allowed to make a move, he’s more than willing to use physical force to scare off anyone he sees as trying to get with his s/o.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Reiner’s a good kisser when it comes down to it. His kisses are hot and nearly suffocating. He always has a strong hand behind his partner’s head and another firmly on their back pressing them into him as deep as he can. His skin is warm and being so close to him increases that heat. 

His first kiss with his partner was desperate. Whether it was during an episode back in Paradis or when he got back home, his s/o found him uncharacteristically quiet. Serious. 

Their voice surprised him, causing him to jump as they made their presence known. It was an unusual sight- to see Reiner hunched in on himself. When they got close enough to sit next to him and ask what was going on, he simply told them that he wanted to kiss them at least once since he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to again. After their initial shock, his soon to be s/o agreed, letting him take lead. Reiner licked his lips and placed one hand gently behind their neck while the other rested on their thigh. He leaned ver, finally inviting them to his lips and as the two sought one another’s touch, he found himself pinning them down and nearly unclothing them. Whether his s/o allowed it to continue or stopped is up for debate.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Reiner would never consider confessing.

He would need to be near death or in an extremely stressful and dire situation to blurt it out. 

That, or during more recent manga events, Reiner would try to find a moment of peace where he and his s/o could speak in private. During a conversation where he finally explains his past, he would likely refuse to make eye contact and stare at their feet. His voice is shaking slightly as he steels himself for whatever the outcome may be. It’s his s/o who turns his cheek to look him in the eye, confessing they are in love with him. It’s overwhelming and as he’s embraced by them, he reciprocates it over and over in shaky whispers that are muffled by their neck. 

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

He likes the idea of marriage. Being with someone who is completely his and building a life together that’s peaceful and without pressure would mean the world to him. 

Reiner’s proposal is private. It would be during camp before the climatic battle. One evening, he’d take his s/o to a private area and reminisce their experiences together. He’s unsure why he’s bringing it up until his s/o asks what he wants to do after they win. He’s taken aback, wanting to say there’s not much left for him once the world is saved. “Will you marry me, Reiner?”

Reiner’s heart stops at that moment. It’s not a proposal, more so it’s just gauging his desires. He can’t help but nod. If they survive, even if he has little time left, he wants to spend it with them.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

Reiner’s love is subtle. It’s not common for people in Marley to outright be romantic in public, so displays are limited. Though at some point when he was younger he would have taken great pride in being overly affectionate in front of others, he now takes solace in being a quiet and helpful lover. It’s difficult for him to really express his love verbally, so he takes action. He’s good with fixing appliances, running errands, and comforting them in private. To most others, it seems Reiner is distant with his s.o, but this is untrue.

He’s skilled in loving them. His holds are firm and comforting. His kisses are deep and true. His actions express his care more accurately than his words ever could. The way he puts himself before them is in itself his ultimate display of love. 

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Reiner prefers to keep his romantic involvement private due to fear for his s/o’s safety. Being Involved with him makes them a target which is something he’s unwilling to look past. This does not mean he is ashamed of them by any means. 

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

His hugs are all consuming. Something about being in his embrace helps wash away all anxiety. It’s truly difficult for his s/o to be upset for long when they’re in his hold. This becomes especially useful during high stress events, and it helps Reiner calm down.  

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Reiner’s focus isn’t on helping his s/o achieve any goals. His fixation is his mission to save humanity, so he doesn’t actually think too much about if his s/o has any goals they wan to achieve.

If his s/o shares a desire with him, he’s happy to help them map out a plan of attack. There’s not much he can do in ways of helping them if it doesn’t pertain to training or military affairs since most of his time is dedicated to his work. 

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Reiner prefers having a routine above all else. With how erratic his life is, a sense of peace is important to him. He suffers from PTSD and anxiety among other issues, so knowing where his s/o is during a certain time or having a specific ritual at a certain time every day helps him ground himself. He wouldn’t want to deal with any destructive routines when he has free time. It’s extremely important for him to focus on his healing, so a routine is best.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Reiner... does not know his s/o well. He knows what bothers them and knows about them from what they share. However, he doesn’t make an effort to learn more. He’s got too much on his plate, and the relationship is reliant on the physical intimacy to help each other blow off steam. He could stand to be more emotionally present. It’s something he’s aware of and feels like it’s too late to do anything about it. If he survives, he wants to build a stronger relationship where the two can equally rely on one another for the support that they need.

He’s empathetic to a degree. He listens to their problems and tries to offer the best support he can, but he’s not necessarily equipped to help someone deal with their own problems when he barely has a handle on his own shaky mental state.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

Reiner is ridiculously obsessed with keeping his relationship. He knows he’s not the best partner that he could be, but he wants to selfishly keep his s/o because they make him feel human. They make him feel worthy of being alive, and he’s too scared of letting that go for who would he be without a purpose? His mission does come first, but he’d be more than willing to throw himself in front of his s/o if it meant securing their escape. 

He’s a natural protector as mentioned before, and couple that with suicidal tendencies and you have someone that’s problematically self-sacrificial. It’s not a good mixture, but it goes to show how dependent he is on his s/o for a sense of stability and how far he’d go to make sure they were safe. 

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

He likes lying face to face when the two are in bed. When Reiner is especially tired, his cheeks and nose flush  a dark pink. It’s always embarrassing when his s/o decides to tease him about it. Don’t you dare call him cute or coo at him because in his tired state he will have no methods of coping. He might even turn around to try and escape their compliments, but if they cling to his back and try to pull him back around, they’re somehow always successful. 

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

Reiner doesn’t kiss often. He does like to hold his s/o’s hands. Clasping their fingers with his own and holding their hand sto his chest in moments of quiet vulnerability will be the most stripped down, vulnerable acts he will ever commit. 

He’s not opposed to his partner kissing him and holding him, he just doesn’t feel worthy of starting the act himself. Once they initiate, he’s more than eager to soak up as much touch as he can. He never wants to let go, meaning they can be in one another’s embrace for hours if they’re lucky.

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Reiner is good at compartmentalizing his feelings, so he will run on autopilot and just hope that his s/o is alive so he can see them soon.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

As mentioned earlier, Reiner is more than willing to put his life on the line for his s/o. He would run into a head on attack if it meant giving his loved one a moment longer to breathe. 

[jean-does-not-have-a-horseface]

Can thy requesth a fic where the reader is sad and Sir Levi comforts them?😁

Hello my love and thank you for requesting this 👉🏻👈🏻 the format I chose was definitely inspired by @sasageyowrites and her amazingly heartbreaking story Crazier Things. This was quite the ride for me and I hope you like it, I intently made it open for interpretation so you can always ask for part two.

Summary: You, a former knight are helplessly in love with the Captain of the royal guard, Levi, who is about to go on a crusade and you write this cathartic letter to him to confess your love in case you never get to speak of your feelings in his presence.

Pairing: Levi/ Reader

Tags: angst, fluff (depends on the way you interpret this)

Roses and Dragon embroidery

"My dearest Levi,

It's bold of me to ever call you that, my Captain, but this isn't any ordinary occasion, you can tell by reading everything I'm going to write below, by the way my writing isn't too formal.

I suppose I should start by mentioning fundamental things regarding this letter. I know it's going to be long and you don't have to read it's entirety if you don't feel up to it, but it'd be my honor if you did. There are things in here that come from my soul and they're meant to only be told to you. I couldn't force you into anything, but it'd be soul relieving if you spare a little time to know what I held in my chest for years.

It's a given. When you've received this letter, I'm most likely dead, or, rather exiled to the the underworld, slayed by the proud blade of a Marleyan knight, but you should know that in this war I've fought well. Or so I like to think. My injuries have caused my weakness and I loathe I couldn't follow you into this new crusade, but staying back has felt relieving and mending to my soul. Spare the Marleyan knight for killing me if you ever come across them; there's no wrong or right in this world, they only seeked justice for their nation by slaying innocent peasants, isn't that what we do on our crusades to their kingdom as well?

But my dearest captain, between everything that's right or wrong in this world I hate to say I don't know where I belong. You're an entirely different case, though. Bear with me as I'm saying those words, I know they're going to make you clutch the paper in your hands but please don't shatter it before I get to speak my mind. You are a bastard son to to a prostitute, an orphan, the former protegee of a man who worked against the knights of the round table and then single heartedly joined them. You were a thief. I know you were thief, I know as much as the next person but I don't think anyone ever understood what it's like to switch positions like that. In the span of a short period of time you were head of your own knights. Me, included.

You are probably wondering why I mentioned your past, it was only for me to highlight your current position as my Captain. And I'm sorry that with this letter I'm somewhat putting you into another position, one that may have you suffering.

Time to jump into the important thesis of this letter. I don't know where you are right now. I'm imagining though, you're sitting by your window, with your armor off of your angelic form, sighing at my words as the sun is setting for our kingdom. In this short life, sun has definitely set for me, for us. There are a thousand things I wanted to say, but never found the courage to. And I'm sad, Levi, I'm sad you have to know this way.

But today, today as in the day I write this letter, is a nice day. For me. (Y/n). We've just gotten back from washing our clothes by the riverside, I've just told you I'm mad that we don't spend much time together anymore now that I'm relieved of my duties as your knight and you hummed in response, greeting with my words with a soft expression on your face, and Levi, right now I think you're going to be the death of me. I can't help it. I keep imagining the way your lips shall taste upon mine and I'm hungry. I'm hungry like a wolf, captain, excuse my words, but it's the truth, I know I'm such a coward for not speaking them, but hiding behind death and my poor ability to write I've found some comfort as to sharing them with you.

Sir Levi, the most honorable knight, today I, while lathering your green undershirt in soap, almost told you I'm in love with you and that I want us to get married. Now that you know your surname, now that you officially belong in the Ackerman clan, now that you can legally marry someone, I'd like to consider getting married to me. Forgive me if I have mistaken what I have perceived as your affections. But you seem to look at me in a way that I haven't seen you look at anyone else. You spend your days with me when you're back from crusades, you write me letters to let me know about your well being.

Am I wrong for loving you? I'll never figure out. It's only that my heart pulls at its strings whenever I see you, my stomach turns and i feel as if I've been thrown from a catapult. I've never understood how you can do that to me. Can you? Have you felt this way about anyone? My mind will haunt me in my very last moments for not knowing an infinite answer. I don't think I'll ever feel released by this heartbreak, even after death. My only release is a fixation on the way you shiver your silvery orbs into mine.

And oh those eyes of yours. I wish you would look at me while holding my hands into yours under the moonlight, I wish you'd tell everything I've imagined you saying. I've never heard the word 'love' fall from your lips in such way so that I could know what it would sound like when you'd say it to me inside my head. But Levi, yes, once again it's a but, I wanted to spend a lifetime listening to it. I wanted for you to tell me how you love waking up next to me as we would hear the river flow beautifully in the distance. My heart is burning, Levi. I know, I'm sad and that I'm crying as I'm writing those words, but I've really dreamt of a future with you, have you felt that way about me?

Sir Levi, the knight who owns my hearth, I only set my pen down for an hour, to simply talk to you over a hot cup of tea, because you had just finished hanging out our clothes to dry and for the first time in my life I've felt as if my prayers have been heard.

You kissed me.

You put your lips against mine, suddenly, as I turned to you while the sun was setting and it was more than I could ever dream of Levi. And you comforted me in such ways I'll never do any justice to simply write into words. How can you be such a godsent angel? My lips are numb and fuzzy and my insides are fluttering, I still can't believe this happened. I can't believe you actually feel that way about me. Suddenly this letter isn't just the goodbye of an unrequited lover, it's so much more. Now I have a reason to fight my way back into the castle. Maybe, Historia would let me be a maiden, it'd be safer to live in the castle, rather on my own even if it means I'll serve as a slave to the queen. I couldn't care less about serving the crown in any way, but for you I'd do anything.

You promised me, with a rose you said you found by the riverside that you'll come back from the crusade, safe and sound and in return I promised I would stay safe as well. Maybe that's the way things should happen, right? I'll start embroidering you your green undershirt, excuse me for the time I'm going to keep it from you and pretend I don't know where it is.

I'll embroider your most favorite thing on it. A white dragon. Because you remind me of one. I'm biting my silly lips as I'm writing this, my Captain, but I can't wait for you to hold me in your arms. And I can't wait for you to slightly smile when you see what I'm going to make for you. I'm going to stop my mumbling now. I someday will give this to you, once you're back from the crusade in Marley.

Love, (y/n), the brat who doesn't know how to waste minimum soap while washing clothes effectively."

Taglist go off: @sasageyowrites @levisbrat25 @nobody-knows-anymore @berrijam @ackermans-freedom-inc @ladyofpandemonium @callmepromise @hawkssnugget @alrightberries am I forgetting anyone? Please inform if if you want to be tagged to my stories or if I have forgotten to tag you.

[linkspooky]

See You Later, Eren

With all the time travel shenanigans lately we still have not got an explanation for the first scene in the manga, despite these chapters having already been connected to the present day (to you, 2000 years from now, from you, 2000 years ago). Due to the structure of the final arc paralelling the first arc, I believe that the meaning of Mikasa’s words will be revealed in either the final chapter, or the penultimate chapters leading up to the final. In other words these are Mikasa’s first words to Eren in the manga, and they will also be her last. Because these are the words she’ll say to him right after she kills him. 

EXPLANATION UNDER THE CUT.

1. Mikasa and Eren

There’s a reason that I believe it will be Mikasa to deal the final blow that stops Eren, that puts him down before he destroys the world and not Armin even though Armin is the “hero” of the story. The reason is Mikasa’s arc has always centered around Eren in a way that Armin’s hasn’t. Armin will always care more about the world then Eren, because he has things he believes in besides fighting the titans and survivings, he has dreams and the ability to see the greater picture. 

Armin’s role also isn’t to grow into someone like Eren or Mikasa who can take the big titan down all by themselves. In fact, him acting like this with Bertolt is something that while it won them the battle almost got himself killed.

It’s actually not that much of a change to his core character for Armin to sacrifice himself and fight head on with his own hands. In fact, he’s even willing to do this around people he considered his past friends. He was the one to expose Annie and suspect her first. The only real significant change is that Armin will have to break his denial over who Eren is, but if the choice was between Eren and the whole world from the start Armin would have always chosen the world over Eren. Armin’s not supposed to grow into a hero in the same sense that Eren and Mikasa want to be, by fighting things head on himself. He’s always been set up to become a demon like Erwin, that is make choices that will get other people killed and have confidence and live with those choices rather than constantly waffling and second guessing his chioces. 

Armin has regressed to his worst traits, that is letting his low self esteem constantly make him question his own decisions. At his worst he’s afraid to choose anything, because he doesn’t even want to decide, because deciding makes him responsible for the people he lost as a result of his decision. Armin killing Eren in a physical fight won’t really fix any of that. What he needs to do is lead, not attempt to do everything himself, or sacrifice himself so he’ll be the only one hurt. He’s the hero of the story, but he also needs to grow into a demon in a sense. 

Whereas, Mikasa’s arc has always centered around Eren for better or worse. Armin would choose the world over Eren, Mikasa would choose Eren over the world. 

To phrase this in terms of “Wants and Needs” which is one of the most basic ways to express the central tenets of a characters arc. Usually a character starts the story wanting something, only to get denied what they want and realize instead what it is they need. Or sometimes a character is given what they want, only to have it cause them to regress because it’s not what they need. 

Eren wants to stop being a person and exist for the idea of freedom. What he needs is to learn to be a person and accept the love of the people around him and see them as their own individual people too. In that sense, Eren is given what he wants after the timeskip, he’s powerful and cunning enough that he finally can win almost every fight he enters, takes other people’s agency rather than having his own taken, and powerful enough to stand up on his own and he becomes the major mover of the world rather than being moved by it, however that also means he severely regresses as a person and loses what he needs, his friends who used to surround him. 

What Mikasa wants is to always be close to Eren and never be separated from him. What she needs is to be her own person. This is set up as early as the Trost arc, and no Mikasa is not being slow in her character development because literally every single character is regressing to the major problem set up in the Trost arc, Eren wants to fight alone, Armin has no confidence in himself, Mikasa has to learn how to live even without Eren. 

Mikasa wants to live for the sake of Eren, to live vicariously through Eren as he was the one who showed her that the world was beautiful but that’s not living. Mikasa’s want has been denied to her again and again throughout the story.

Ironically the reason Mikasa is so capable, the reason she is strong and confident in ways Eren just couldn’t be at the start of the manga was because she never made any decisions for herself, and therefore never struggled with her choices or her decisions. It’s easy to do things if you say you’re doing them for the sake of others and therefore never have to hesitate. Mikasa believes the person who gives her a place to live in the world is Eren, and therefore she cannot survive without him. All of the beauty of the world and all of its ugliness are all tied up in Eren.

Eren and Mikasa’s relationship is beautifully complex. It’s not just onesided on Mikasa’s part, they are both codependent to each other in a way. The current Mikasa and Eren would not exist without one another because they have always relied on each other to survive. The thing is, while Eren always runs off, he’s always subconsciously relied on Mikasa to follow him and cover his back. He rebuffs her and pushes her away, but Eren also knows that she’ll chase him. From eren picking fights with bullies only to have Mikasa cover his back, to Eren ambushing Marley and knowing Mikasa would show up and save him and trusting her to do that when he started losing the battle fighting on his own. 

Eren loves and needs Mikasa to see himself as a person. She has always been the relationship that connects himself to his own humanity. Mikasa not only humanizes him, but she’s also the only one that can make him second guess his actions and what becoming the enemy of the world means he can’t be a human or by Mikasa’s side anymore. Mikasa makes him realize his own desires to be loved and accepted for the weak coward that he is, rather than having to be someone strong who always fights alone. However, at the same time Eren also resents Mikasa for making him feel this way, for making him feel so human. He hates that he always has to rely on someone, that he always has to be around her because it makes him feel inferior. I would say the resentment is mutual too on Mikasa’s part, as much as she loves him there’s a lot of negative emotions built up. She resents him for always running away from her, for not giving her what she wants. 

At the same time Eren is the person who first showed Mikasa there was warmth in the world, and treated her like a human when she was about to be sold by slavers. Mikasa wraps up all her personhood in Eren, but at the same time that makes her see Eren less and less as a person and more as a symbol. Which is why she can’t ever come to term with her feelings, she’s so afraid of losing their current relationship she can’t risk any change at all, even if it would be a positive one with her feelings being returned. It’s almost like Mikasa doesn’t want Eren to love her back in the same sense, because she doesn’t need it in her own mind, not really, she’s always been content loving him at a distance. Loving the idea of Eren has been enough to motivate her up until now.

But if Mikasa does not live on as a person, for her own sake and not Eren’s she can’t love him properly. She can’t really love him as a person separate from her unless she first takes that step back and realizes. Mikasa is so confused about her own feelings because she doesn’t want to think about them, doesn’t want to experience them, she just wants to feel for Eren, not herself. But that stands in the way of what she wants to do which is love Eren and be loved. What she’s wanted ever since the day he wrapped that scarf around her was the genuine human connection that that scarf represents.

It’s something that she realized all the way back in Trost, that she has to find a way to live without Eren. That’s what she needs. However, Mikasa doesn’t want to. Which becomes the source of her regression. 

Which is why the decision to kill Eren is so central to the development that she needs to go through. It’s even been set up by several different foreshadowing. One, Eren calls MIkasa a slave and the only way for slave to be liberated is by killing their masters, the people who seek to control them. Which is what Eren is doing right now, robbing her of her own agency and not letting her make decisions in the name of protecting her.

Eren is the one who called her a slave. Eren is the one who will die, freeing her. The breaking of their relationship is so necessary for Mikasa as a character that she’s already completely reevaluated the way she views things just from being separated from Eren. Mikasa, the one who wanted to believe in Eren the most is the also the first one to realize how misplaced her feelings for Eren were. 

This is exactly where her arc is taking her, realizing Eren is not the person he thought she was. Mikasa is coming the closest to realizing that Eren’s true form and that she has been seeing a different side of him all along. 

Which is why Mikasa has been reevaluating and remembering the first scene where they met. Their relationship is written so the begnnings and ends parallel one another. 

Eren showed her two things, the first being his violent murder of the two men attempting to enslave her, and the second being the beautiful connection. The world is ugly, and yet beautiful. This time Mikasa is having her agency stolen again, but not by slavers, but rather by the boy who once rescued her. This time Eren has taken the place of the slavers, trying to steal away from freedom of others for his own goals.

Therefore, to free herself Mikasa needs to do what Eren encouraged her to do in the scene. To take the knife, and fight back, fight for her own freedom by killing the enemy in front of her. Even if this time the enemy is the person she loves. No, because she loves him she must be his enemy. The scene is a reversal of their first meeting, instead of being the helpless girl Mikasa must take knife in hand and show Eren the cruelty of the world and also it’s beauty. 

2. An Ugly, yet Beautiful Relationship

The story has always framed Mikasa’s love for Eren as a complex thing. Despite it being the source of her strength, it is also, something that denies her from accomplishing what she needs to. Mikasa always fails in critical moments with consequences because of how she rushes after Eren. She cannot stop Annie from kidnapping him and it results in Levi getting hurt, she fails to stop Reiner and Bertolt from taking him. Mikasa’s desire to put Eren before everything else in the world is something the story consistently denies her and that leads to her failure. Her codependency with Eren, has never been a good thing and always is framed as a flaw. As beautiful as the connection between them is, it’s also ugly. It’s a metaphor for the pain, but also the comfort of all human connection itself. Mikasa’s desire is to connect, Armin’s is the world, Eren’s is freedom from everything. 

The same way what Eren wants is naive, a freedom that means he’s allowed to do absolutely everything and he’s so strong he has total control over everything and therefore never has to lose another person again, Mikasa is just as naive. What she wants is a connection that will never hurt her, and never fray or break. The reason the red scarf represents the red string is because it’s just as naive, it’s a fantasy about being destined to be with another person and always be by their side, and always following them no matter where they go or how you are separated. Mikasa’s desire is to be always tied to another person, but that comes at the cost of being her own person. 

That’s why the idea that her love for Eren is not her own, but rather a product of being an Acerkman shakes her so much. Because Mikasa deep down knows she needs to love Eren as a person, and also needs her feelings to be her real, and owned by her alone. Even when she was on the brink of death she realized that if she died, the memory of Eren would not be able to live on with her. 

Which is why Mikasa parallels Levi so heavily, because Levi also had to make this choice as well. He had to be confronted with who Erwin was as a person, the good and the bad and choose to let him die instead of continuing to be by his side. 

The only way Levi could ever understand Erwin such an important person to him was not by forever being by his side, but instead telling him to die and continue to live on in Levi’s memory. 

Levi lost the person most important to him, but he also gained understanding for who that person truly was. He was finally able to reconcile his feelings for him. Levi finally saw Erwin as a person, and not just a demon he had to rely on. He also realized that everyone was actively making him into a demon and denying him as a person, and Erwin himself was responding by diminishing his own personhood. 

Erwin is given solace and allowed to die as his own person, rather than having to continue to be the devil. Which also, parallels Eren’s own situation greatly because Eren WANTS to become the devil because at this point he believes it’s the only way for him to protect his friends. He no longer allows himself to be his own person the same way Erwin did, and no longer lets himself be loved as a person. 

The reason the only deaths in the series that are shown to be freeing are Erwin and Kenny’s is because they literally spent their entire lives NOT BEING PEOPLE, the same way that Eren is trying so hard to deny himself as a person right now. The only choice they get really is the choice of death, because they made all their other choices for the sake of other people. 

Which is where we return to Eren once more. Eren denies himself as a person and wants to become a devil, a special existence that can hold the fate of the world in his hands, but at the same time he needs, craves, to be loved as a person. To be accepted for the weak person he is rather than the strong person he pretends to be. Which is why Mikasa sees this moment as so cirtical. 

It’s entirely possible that Eren had made up his own mind at this point, that he was already going to commit to the plan, but the reason Mikasa believes this to be the critical juncture where the path split off is because what Eren is asking here. He’s asking her specifically, do you love me as a person? or do you love me out of obligation? The one person who loves him as a person, Eren is having doubts and is trying to reconfirm his humanity in the face of everything he is about to throw away to become a devil.

The same way Mikasa bases her entire personhood around Eren, Eren’s humanity and his connection to the beauty of the world has always been in Mikasa’s hands. She has always represented the connections he needs, but the one he denies himself.

Which is why Mikasa sees this as the critical point, regardless of whether or not what she had said would have made a different. Because Mikasa realizes now, all along she wasn’t seeing Eren as a person. Wasn’t loving him as a person. Which prevented her from truly loving him or acting on his feelings. 

The only way Mikasa can love Eren as a person is to be his enemy, to confront him for what he is now, and what she realizes he’s been all along. She has to confront the ugliest side of Eren, instead of only looking at the beauty of their bond. 

Both Eren and Mikasa are blind now. Eren has forgotten about the beauty of the world that Mikasa represents, and Mikasa has forgotten until just now about the ugly and violence of the world that Eren represents by only focusing on the beauty, which is why they need a confrontation with each other to be able to see both. 

Mikasa needs to remember Eren violently murdering those slavers like they were not even human beings and the fact he went out of his way to kill people. Eren needs to rembmer the action of himself wrapping the scarf around Mikasa and how that connection did more to save her than his violence for her sake ever did. 

3. See You Later Eren

This is going to be a short conclusion to my post, and also offer a prediction. Why do I think “See you later” is going to be said after Mikasa kills Eren. For two reasons, one Mikasa has been the one to deal the final blow on two of Eren’s biggest foils, Annie and Reiner, and this is also exactly how she says goodbye to them before killing them.

Mikasa fights two Eren foils. Armin takes down Bertolt. Armin’s enemy is himself. Mikasa’s enemy has always been Eren, which is why choosing to oppose him, and therefore choosing her own personhood is so central to her arc. 

As established by Eren, the Ackerman’s are connected to and can open the paths in the same way that the royal family, and those connected to the control coordinate are. Which is why I believe, in conjunction with Mikasa’s literally directly stating that she could have chosen to take a different path that after killing Eren, the two of them will be dragged into the paths the same way Zeke was with Eren after Eren lost his head.

That by killing him first Mikasa will show Eren the ugliness of the world, it’s violence, but at the same time she will be the one to comfort him and give himself peace and reassurance that while he was alive he was loved as a human. Which is what she needs to do to become her own person, because all along she has asserted that her strength is not hers alone, but Eren, her decisions are not hers alone but done for the sake of Eren.

Mikasa has to tell Eren once again that there is a kind boy still inside of him, he’s still the one who promised to wrap the scarf around her, and helped her out when she was cold. But the only way for her to do that is by finally confronting his ugliness and letting go of him. 

Mikasa will kill Eren, but then in the paths remind him of the beauty of the world he tried so hard to destroy. Allowing Eren to die as himself, as a person who was loved instead of the enemy of the world. Allowing Mikasa to finally love Eren as a person like she’s always wanted to rather than loving the idea of him. Eren will die but Mikasa will finally be able to live on as her own person. 

Which is what Eren should truly desire ultimately. The freedom of the ones he loves. Their happiness. Even if he can’t be around in their lives. Mikasa’s last words for him are “See you Later” not “Goodbye” because even if Eren is no longer in her life, she’ll be able to see him again, her love for him, her memories for him will not disappear but rather continue on in the world even after his death. 

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Undercover Lover prt 79 prt 1

79

Driving back to Trost felt wrong. Leaving Eren again felt wrong. In the end Levi nearly turned back half a dozen times before giving up and giving in. He’d wanted to respect Eren’s wishes. He truly did, so he found himself a hotel room before sitting down on the edge of the bed for some serious wallowing. There he was, 43 fucking years old, pining over his brat who was 15 years his junior. Life. Work. Existing. He’d gone through all the steps before Eren came along. He’d tried dating. He’d tried feeling. Now all he felt was old and useless in the face of what he’d left Eren to go through. How the fuck had he let himself fuck it all up so fucking bad? Why did he run away at thought of losing Eren? Why did he have to let his shitty fears get the best of him when Eren needed him the most?

There weren’t enough hours in the day to scrub away the memory of that day. He’d lied to his friends. He’d lied to himself. He’d broken Eren’s heart and his own along with it. Then he talked about respecting Eren, only to now he renting a shit hole of a room because he couldn’t walk away again. Hanji had tried her fucking hardest to help him. All he’d done was blow up at her. He’d blown up at everyone out of his own self caused misery. He’d thought Eren could forget him. He wasn’t all the great things Eren saw in him. His brat hadn’t left his mind for an instant. He missed it all. Eren didn’t need a snivelling alpha who let his fears get in the way. He needed Levi to get his shit together and prove himself through his actions.

He missed Eren being at home waiting for him. He missed Eren giving him shit about not bothering to know the neighbours. He missed the days when they did nothing but lay on the sofa together like the world didn’t matter. He missed cooking for his brat, and knowing in some way Eren understood why he was the way he was. He missed listening to Eren go on and on about his bike to the point he was jealous of the damn thing. There was this kind of energy that came from the omega when he was working. Whether it be on a case or on his bike, Eren had such pride in what he did that Levi envied him. He didn’t want to hold Eren back. He wanted the omega to achieve everything he ever wanted. He didn’t own Eren and never had, no, Eren had gifted him with his love and he’d fucked it up.

His depression had been worse than it’d ever been before. Thoughts of acting reckless and stupid invading his mind. He’d been such a coward and he hated himself so much it made him physically sick for a time. Even working with his team didn’t distract him from Eren. He couldn’t go out in the field as he was, so worked what he could from their centre of operations, annoyed he’d been benched over his own shitty actions. Why couldn’t he have accepted things sooner? He’d been thinking about Eren wanting children... He’d let himself think about it. He’d let himself start to want it then feared he’d ruin Eren’s life if they stayed together. He couldn’t... he couldn’t walk away and wait another two weeks, no matter how selfish that made him.

Pulling his phone from his pocket, he opened his photos. Their daughter right there. He didn’t want to walk away from her. He didn’t want her to be asking the same questions he had. If she was loved. If she came from love. If she was wanted. Who her father was. Did his father even care that he’d existed or had he never know? Had his mother truly loved him or was he a reminder of what could have been one of the worst experiences of her life? What would it have been like to grow up with her there? Would she have loved him? Would she have accepted him? It’d been so long he no longer remembered the face of his mother. He didn’t remember how she smelt or how it felt to be with her. He didn’t want children because... deep down, his biggest fear was he’d pass on his sins to any child he had. He feared his sins as much as he’d feared Eren hating him. He’d feared his omega dying trying to chase his dreams. Eren out there somewhere happy without him was a far easier pill to swallow then Eren not being out there at all.

Eren had told him he’d do some “serious thinking”. Levi wanted to throw all thought out the window and let emotion cloud both their judgements. He wanted to take Eren on a proper date. He wanted to see him smile... and maybe just a little bit hoped that his omega would go “dumb” as he’d complained he did so often. Eren could be very dumb, yet he wasn’t stupid. He’d never been stupid in all the time Levi had known him, despite doing some pretty stupid things. Fuck, if he was going to ignore Eren’s wishes, he might as well call him now and take the scolding he was bound to receive... but first he had to do something about the lie he’d been lying. He was going to be a father and it was about time he spoke up about it... and the first person he really owed it to was Hanji.

Rewriting his message to shitty foureyes twice, it took all of thirty seconds for Hanji to be calling him back. He could imagine Hanji there with her hands in some shitty corpse getting Moblit to read the message to her, before she promptly dropped everything. Sliding his thumb across to answer, Hanji was already yelling before he moved the phone to his ear

“Levi! What the fuck do you mean Eren is pregnant?!? Did you get him pregnant?! Are you really going to be father?! How is he?! Is he talking to you?! You better have fucking apologised or I’m going to castrate you! Did this happen in Marley? Is he okay? When did this happen?! Levi? You better still be there!”

Hanji had a way with words and ignoring the basic function of breathing between words

“Levi!? Say something!”

“Hey, Hanji. I’m going to be a dad”

“Oh, thank god. Now, what do you mean our Eren is pregnant? I know you saw him in Marley but...”

“I fucked it all up”

Hanji took a sharp breath

“You better not be telling me what I think you’re telling me”

Yep. She’d already guessed the truth

“Yeah...”

Levi had winced in preparation, moving his phone away from his ear as Hanji started yelling again

“Are you stupid?! How could you do to that to him?!”

“Trust me, I know how dumb I was”

“Do you?! He’s an unstable omega! How could you do that to him?! Do you know how much he loved you? How much he trusted you?! What if he’d had a drop?! What if his dynamic had shifted? To much beta and he could lose the baby!”

“I know... I mean, I talked to Hannes. Eren didn’t mention it, and I’m waiting until he brings it up”

“You’re the dumbest arsehole I know. Eren wouldn’t want you to worry! Where are you?”

“In Nedlay...”

“Good. I want you to go throw yourself at his feet and beg his forgiveness!”

Levi sighed deeply, Hanji needed to stop watching so many weird movies

“I’ve already apologised... He wanted time to think... but I don’t think I can leave him again...”

Hanji let out an equally deep sigh

“I know you’re not dumb but I’m so fucking pissed at you. At least now I know why you’ve been insufferable dick. Is he at least okay?”

“Yeah... Fuck, Hanji you should see him. He’s so excited about the baby...”

He’d nearly told her it was girl, but Eren should at least have the choice when he shared that. As far as he knew, Armin hadn’t been told yet

“... they’re so small... He’s gone through so much alone... but... I’m going to be a dad...”

A dad to someone who’d wear those tiny socks he’d bought. Someone who’d be so tiny and grow up in front of their eyes...

“Levi... I get that you’re caught up in this, but have you really thought things through? I’m not trying to be a bitch here, but babies in general are more work than people think...”

“I know. I already talked to Hannes...”

And he’d read himself into a hole of tangled thoughts from all the online advice

“Which is good and all, but did you try talking to Eren about what he wants and needs from you as his partner? You can’t walk away again... and you shouldn’t have in the first place”

“I know... He says he doesn’t want anything...”

“Idiot. Of course he does. He’s a pregnant unbonded omega who fell head over heels for our resident cranky pants. You’re lucky he’s talking to you at all, but if he’s not being honest about his pregnancy with you, then you need to be the one honest with him. There’s this magical thing called talking. You two were getting good at that”

They’d talked last night. Eren missed everyone from Shinganshima and Trost... Isabel would be so excited to know Eren was pregnant... Yet... Hanji wasn’t there. She wasn’t in Eren’s head, nor had seen him. He’d told Eren how he felt, but maybe it was time to go big? He didn’t want Eren thinking he didn’t respect him

“I don’t want him to feel pressured or obligated”

“Because love is logical like that? Does he know you’re there?”

“Yeah. We talked a bit. I was going back to Trost today and I couldn’t do it. It felt wrong to leave him”

“And you say I’m the idiot. You’ve been a complete bastard since you two broke up. I understand why now, and I knew it was hard because everyone could see how much you adored him, but you’re not listening to your instincts. You need to be there for him. Having his alpha there for the pregnancy will help him stay calm and settled, though with you, I wouldn’t be surprised if snaps and smothers you in your sleep”

“I want to be... Fuck, Hanji. I want to be there for him”

“Then go call him. You fucked things up but Eren is Eren. Tell him how you feel”

“I already did. He wanted space to think”

“And you rolled over and let him. Now, I have a baby shower to plan, and you’re not coming home until you bring him back”

Eren wouldn’t love Levi dictating his life. Why was he the only one who seemed to be listening to what Eren had to say? Hanji knew how damn stubborn Eren could be

“He’s got a life here”

Hanji sounded ready to explode. Levi didn’t think he was being dumb enough to warrant her annoyance

“And you won’t if you don’t make up with our Eren. You’re lucky you’re not here or I’d stab you myself. Please tell Eren I’m excited for him. Who would have thought you’d be a father?”

Though she didn’t say it was because he was “fucked up”, Levi could hear it in her tone

“Not me... I’ve got to go. Thanks for the chat”

“You should be thanking me. And tell Eren to message me. I miss him...”

“You do realise he’s carrying my baby”

Hanji cackled like the maniac she was

“Pffft. I’m clearly the better choice. Widdle Levi’s gonna a widdle ba-“

Hanging up Hanji. He didn’t want to hear it if she wasn’t going to be serious. She hadn’t even congratulated him. Now that he’d told her, she’d tell everyone. Shit. He didn’t want Isabel and Farlan finding out from Hanji... nor did he have the energy for another phone call with a screaming woman. Texting both of them, pride came with being able to tell. He’d kept quiet for Eren, and now he finally had the chance to brag that his brat of an omega was carrying their baby. It’d been hard not to confide in Erwin. Erwin less than impressed to learn the secret he’d been keeping. He wanted to tell his team. To tell Hannes. To shove it Grisha’s face that he was missing out on the life of the most amazing omega he’d ever met. Hopefully Eren would hear him out about staying, and hopefully his brat would like what he was planning.

*

Watching Levi leave, Eren needed a few moments. The alpha’s anger had made his omega panicky. Levi meeting Floch wasn’t supposed to happen. Floch would have known who Levi was, without Levi having to introduce himself. If it weren’t for that shitty call to forensics to see if they could get their evidence bumped up in the queue Levi wouldn’t have had to come looking for him.

Heading back into the foyer, Floch was waiting for him. Eren had half a mind to punch him in the face again for talking to Levi. Instead, he ignored the alpha, knowing it’d upset Floch more that way. Heading towards the elevator, Floch followed him. Why couldn’t he take a hint already? Hitting the button Floch moved to stand next to him, nearly as unnerving as having the man behind him

“What’s in the bag?”

“None of your business”

“I’m only trying to make conversation”

“From what I understand you’ve been telling people I’m a slut. How’s that for conversation?”

As the elevator doors opened, Floch followed him in. Eren lifting up the bag to rifle through what the hell Levi had bought. There was more in the bag than the two prescriptions he’d been expecting

“It’s not like that...”

“Floch, I don’t care. You can play all the games you want to, but if you ever go near Levi again, I won’t hold back”

“I’m telling you it wasn’t like that. He wanted directions to your office”

Three bottles of hydralites sat in the bag, as well as big block of chocolate and something pinkish down the very bottom of the bag that he couldn’t pull out without making a mess. Levi didn’t have to buy him anything, yet the gesture was appreciated

“I know. Reception called me. But what this has to do with you I fail to see”

“Because it’s clear you’re setting yourself up to be hurt...”

“Whether it is or isn’t, isn’t your business”

“But you need someone... You don’t have to go through this alone”

“Floch, I’m fine. I don’t need someone”

“Then what’s in the bag? If you were fine you wouldn’t need so many pills. We weren’t the best when we were together but we could try...”

“No. And don’t even think about leaving flowers on my desk again. I don’t know what game you’re playing, but this is my life. I’d die before I get back with the likes of you”

Floch threw his hands up. The alpha could lay hands on him in the elevator when there was a camera right there

“I’m trying to be there for you. Why can’t you listen to me?!”

“What? Listen to you tell the father of my child that I get around?!”

“He left you... I wouldn’t make that mistake again. We could be a family. You, me and the baby... I’d love it like it was my own”

Eren wished to god the camera wasn’t watching them, or Floch would be eating meals through a straw

“Floch. Your childish obsession needs to come to an end”

“No, you need to see sense. No one’s going to love you like I do. Please Eren, tell me what to do to make you see that”

“Nothing is going to make that happen. I’m going back to the case and I suggest you should too”

Having borrowed a conference room to go through all the evidence again, Eren was stuck with Floch following him. Armin watching the pair of them enter, silently asking if he needed to kill Floch with his eyes. Giving a slight shake of his head, Eren dumped the bag down in front of where he’d been sitting

“Right. Where are we?”

Please for the love of his sanity don’t let them be going over people’s socials again...

“We’ve finally got the call records back for the bouncer. I thought you’d like to see them first”

“Perfect. Do you have the call log for the omega too? I want to cross reference the numbers”

“Sure do. What’s in the bag and why do you smell awful?”

Seeing Floch was sure to open his mouth, Eren figured he should explain things first

“Levi brought me some things I’d left with him yesterday, and picked my scripts up for me this morning”

Armin gave a squeal jumping on the spot in happiness

“Dude! How did you not tell me?! I asked and you said no”

“Because I thought he’d be on his way to Nedlay but he had the ultrasound photos and my stuff from the obstetrician. Can we get on with work now?”

“Nooo. Oh my god, did he see the baby?!”

“If I say yes, will you let me get on with my work?”

Armin squealed again, rushing to throw his arms around him. His best friend seemed to have forgotten there were other people in the room

“I’m so happy, but you’re being careful right? You have to tell me everything when we’re done here”

“Seeing you’re giving me a ride after work, I suppose it wouldn’t hurt. There’s not much to tell. It was... nice”

“You totally slept with him, didn’t you?”

“‘Min, we’re at work, can we please focus? I’d rather not discuss my private life with a witness”

Armin let him go

“I know. It’s just you guys are so in love and now he’s met the baby... I would have congratulated him if I’d known he was here”

“You can congratulate him when you see him next, and for the third time, can we please get back to the case?”

The expression on Floch’s face left him feeling uncomfortable. Armin’s excitement seemed to be pissing the alpha off

“Okay, okay. Sooo do you want to write on the board or should I?”

“You can. I’ll read the numbers. Let’s start with the omega first. Did we get the club call list?”

“No dice there. Not enough evidence despite the dealing happening there”

“Fuck. Well, I guess we just have to do things the old fashion way”

Knowing there was chocolate there, Eren pulled out the bar, then gave into his curiosity as he emptied the bag to the bottom layer. Socks. Three sets of tiny socks. His omega melting at the size of them. They were so tiny. Tiny and very cute with their pink bows... Levi had given their baby a gift. The first gift he’d gotten for his little girl. Tearing up, he wanted to laugh at how much of a practical gift giver Levi was

“Eren?”

Quickly wiping away his tears, Eren placed the papers from the obstetrician over them, then replaced his medication into the bag. The socks were so small. Socks for their baby girl... Levi didn’t have to... but he had and now Eren wished he hadn’t left. He would have thanked him if he’d known. He hadn’t bought anything for their daughter yet and the gesture had him feeling so emotional

“Sorry. I’m good”

Armin raised an eyebrow

“Right. That’s why you’re crying”

“It’s hormones. I’m so happy to have chocolate that you wouldn’t believe it”

Armin shook his head, turning back to the glass board

“I don’t. You ready with those numbers?”

“Yep, gimme a second...”

Breaking for lunch, Armin hung back with Eren. Having demolished the whole block of chocolate, the sugar crash wasn’t fun but it’d been so worth it. Waiting for the room to clear, his best friend was on him the moment the coast was clear

“Why didn’t you tell me Levi was back?! Did he go to the scan? Is he staying? I know you said he’d be back but what happened?!”

“We’re having a baby girl... I wanted to tell Mikasa first, but she’s not on until tonight. Levi came to the scan, and he spent the night”

“Eren!”

“Not like that. We slept... that’s all that happened in bed. But... I left my prescription in his car so he picked it up. ‘’Min, you’ve got to see this”

Pulling the socks out the bag, Armin awwed over them

“They’re so tiny”

“Yeah... and he... he chose them himself. I don’t want to rush things... and he gets that, but I can’t help but hate that he’s gone again”

“Why didn’t you ask him stay?”

“I’ve got the baby to think about. I... you know how much it hurt to lose him once. What if he leaves us again? I won’t do that to her... You should have seen his face at the ultrasound... and he... he wanted to know how the baby was, how he could help...”

“I know he hurt you. I still want to kick him in the balls for it, but he loves you. You love him”

If only things could be settled that easily

“I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want our daughter growing up with parents that can’t talk to each other... I don’t want him if he doesn’t want me. Not just because I’m carrying his baby”

“He loved you before then. If he wants to be involved, that can only be a good thing. He had to have given it a lot of thought, with all you said, I get the feeling he wouldn’t have wanted to leave either”

“But how am I supposed to work this out when I’ve been doing it alone for so long? I can’t even think straight around him”

Armin snickered

“You do prefer men”

Eren mentally rolled his eyes

“You’re not funny. I’m serious here”

“I know. I also know you well enough to know you haven’t told him everything, have you?”

“No. And I feel like shit now. If I tell him and leaves us then there’s no hope left”

“And if you don’t tell him, it’s as good as lying to his face”

Armin moved onto the next set of socks

“I should hate him for the condition he left you in. You took weeks to settle back in. He broke you heart and I was scared he’d broken you... but obviously you two have a connection. Maybe you should go to Trost for a few days? Sit down and spend some real time together and see how it makes you feel”

“I can tell you it made me stupid yesterday. My omega couldn’t shut up about how happy it was to be near Levi”

“You are compatible partners. He even got morning sickness because you’re pregnant. You need to face it, you’re both hopeless. Look, all I’m saying is that you love him”

Love wasn’t the issue, but it was. Loving Levi came to easily even after all that had happened. It terrified Eren to think they could that if they bonded, they’d be more drawn to each other than ever before

“That’s not the problem”

“Then talk to him. He seems like he really needs to talk to you. I can come with you if that makes it easier”

Armin might be “pro-Levi” but that didn’t mean he didn’t have his own alpha instincts and putting the pair of them together wouldn’t result in someone taking a swing

“No... I need to work this out for myself”

“Okay, as long as you don’t forget you can talk to me”

“I know. So what do you think of the socks?”

Armin beamed at him

“Dude, they’re so fucking small! Was Mina this small? I feel like I can’t remember”

“She was tiny... you’d never know now”

“Man... I’m getting all clucky. Annie wants to wait a little longer until she’s done with her Mitras stuff”

Armin and Annie would be great parents. They’d be prepared and have each other’s backs for the whole thing

“You’ll be a great dad. I remember how much you helped me get through being a kid”

“I remember Mikasa chasing away all the bullies. Man, we’ve all come so far. They let arrest bullies now”

They were running more from him than Mikasa when they’d been kids. Whenever he’d shown up, they’d left Armin alone. Mikasa happened to be there by coincidence.

“Yeah. Still, you helped me out, and I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you enough for it”

Armin smacked his shoulder, trying to lighten the mood and change topic. When it came to serious praise his friend was great at deflecting it

“Pffft. Don’t go crying on me again. Can I see the scan now? I wanna see my niece”

“Can I send a photo to Mikasa first? You know, she is my sister and everything”

“Fine, but the second you’re done, I wanna see! Then we’re getting lunch. If I have to keep looking up names and numbers I’m going to need food”

*

The afternoon dragged on with them putting names to numbers. Eren well and truly over numbers as hung up, crossing yet another name off his list. Armin was doing the same on the other side of their office. Normally Armin would have insisted that this kind of work be passed to their junior officers, but Eren didn’t want Floch talking to potential connections. Nobody liked a spam caller, all of the people he’d called thought he was selling house insurance. Thank fuck they didn’t have to do things like other officers. Anyone could be a potential leak back to the main supplier, and or, dealer.

Coming in early for her shift, Mikasa brightened the day in a way she didn’t realise, just as Armin pegged him in the side of the face with a lackey band. Scowling at the world, his sister had been busy, carrying a gift bag with pink paper poking out the top

“I can’t believe you’re having a girl”

[levisbyjean]

Why Jean Kirstein is the best character in SnK: An essay w/ references/RECEIPTS

(This essay spans from the beginning of the story up to the current chapter 117 of the manga. Also, almost 90% of the quotes I use here are from the manga; not the anime)

Jean was introduced as a selfish snob, who was born into luxury and raised with class. His plan was to join the military police and live in the safety of the interior, far away from any titans or danger. And from the very beginning, Jean was—and has remained—an honest person. Keep that in mind.

During the 104th scouts training, which is also where Jean and Eren first met, Eren says he plans to wipe every single Titan off the face of the planet, & Jean just laughs. Eren says he must be the guy who plans to live a laid back life in the military police. In the anime, Jean’s reply is “I’m no liar. I’m a straight-talker, unlike someone who pretends to have balls of steel, even when he’s about to piss himself.” Similar to the manga version, where he says “I’m nothing, if not honest.” [vol. 4 ch. 15] And he is true to this statement.

Jean’s mentality towards joining the military police does not change until the battle in Trost district, where he encounters titans for the first time. The main characters, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin, (I’ll be referring to that trio as EMA throughout this essay) have already been exposed to the horrors of the titans. EMA have already been traumatized because they were kids when they first saw the titans face to face. However Jean is a teenager and also fresh out of the academy. He barely knows how to use his EDM gear and now he is expected to face those monsters, not run, because that’s what he trained for.

When the rest of his squad is trying to think of what to do, Jean says “it was a boring life. But I guess if it’s gonna end like this, I might as well say let’s do it everyone! Come on! Up on your feet!” [vol. 2 ch. 7] & he actually was the first one to have a positive attitude when everyone else was preparing for death. That was the first moment where I really enjoyed his personality. Thats pure courage and strength in itself right there. Continuing on the positive-Jean train, when Mikasa is the first to run off to face the titans, Jean yells to the rest of the people who didn’t step forward “were we taught to let one of our own fight alone? All of you really will make cowards of yourselves” and runs after her, followed by the rest of the brave 104th cadets (the Jeanmika/Jeankasa ship is SAILING)

As the battle continues, he watches his comrades get killed in front of him, but instead of running, he LEADS everyone to safety. He assumes the role of leader ON HIS OWN, maybe before he even realized it. I want to note this first pivotal point in his thought process. He uses his other comrades sacrifices to lead the others to safety. To put it into other words, he sees his classmates getting eaten all around him but he doesn’t break down or run away to save himself. Instead, he quickly analyzes the scene unfolding in front of him and orders everyone to charge for HQ while the titans are occupied (eating his comrades) [vol. 2 ch. 8]. Granted, once they make it to safety, he later feels the guilt, saying “how many died on my signal?” You can see it on his face that this decision weighed heavily on his conscience.

After finally breaking down and losing his cool, he realizes that this was real life. His dreams of living in peace were crushed at the sight of reality finally setting in. He wanted a long life and a family but now it all seemed over with. His perspectives had changed, and when he almost lost all hope, it was Marco that brought him back. His friendship with Marco is probably the first—and probably the biggest—factor in his character change.

Marco tells Jean that he thinks he would make a better leader than himself because Jean isn’t a strong person so he can relate to weak peoples feelings. He knows what’s going on around him at all times, knows exactly what needs to be done [vol. 4 ch. 18]. At first Jean is offended at this, but when he is watching the bodies of his comrades burn, he then accepts that Marco was right. If Jean had never become a soldier, he would never have had to worry about people dying, it never would have crossed his mind.

Mentally-strong characters like EMA have it natural to want to fight and be brave. But what I respect about Jean is his honesty to say he is scared. He doesn’t want to die. He doesn’t want to face titans. However, even though he doesn’t want to die and he’s afraid, he knows what must be done. There are people who are ignorant of the terrors of the titans, just like he used to be. But he knows now that it’s reality. After Erwin’s speech, Jean has a moment to choose to either leave or stay, and if he had chosen to leave, he would’ve “hated himself more than he already did”. And so he chose to join the survey corps so that he could fight for those weaker people. I respect that he isn’t hotheaded like Eren, saying he wants to kill every last titan out of revenge. But he wants to protect people, the defenseless people who have the safe life he used to dream about. He knows trauma now, and instead of let it tear him down and run for the hills, he chose to use that fear to protect people. SELFLESSSSSSS KINGGGGGGG.

The next pivotal point in his character development was when he joined Squad Levi. Being faced with titans and killing them was one thing. But in the Retaking of Shinganshina arc (aka season 2 of the anime), they were now fighting humans. Jean is almost shot and killed by an enemy MP, but Armin saves him by killing her, which ended up scarring Armin for a good while [vol. 14 ch. 58]. Realizing that he freaked out and panicked, Jean promises to never let that happen again and apologizes to Levi for letting him down by almost becoming a casualty, but he also apologizes to Armin (I also ship Jearmin like HELLA)

After this, Jean has multiple leadership moments where he saves and protects others. When they’re pursuing the female titan, he backs up Armin and Reiner and tells them to stay focused and to keep a distance [vol. 6 ch. 23]. When Sasha shoots an arrow that got too close to Mikasa, he scolds her for almost shooting her (this was more so because of his undying crush on Mikasa but I still wanted to throw that scene in considering the anime bastards took it out and it was beautiful) [vol. 13 Ch. 54]. He’s also covered for his teammates a numerous amount of times and has never panicked in a crisis because he keeps a level head during times of trouble.

He is an excellent leader and it’s even proven after the time skip, when he becomes commanding officer of his own team!!! [vol. 26 ch. 105] (OUR FRIENDS ACCOMPLISHMENTS ARE ALSO OUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS) He tells them to keep civilian casualties to a minimum as their primary focuses are the Marleyan government and Eren, not the civilians. Jean also doesn’t let personal feelings get in the way of carrying out a mission. So when the squad was about to kill Pieck, after firing off a thunder spear and it backfiring, he ordered his team to fall back because it wasn’t worth their deaths if it wasn’t part of the mission at hand [vol. 26 ch. 104]. (He also proved this when, even though he’s stated countless times how much he hates Eren, he still protects him in battle because he knows Eren is an important figure to saving humanity). The last piece of evidence of this fact is after Gabi and Falco stow away on the airship, and Gabi shoots Sasha dead, the crew asks Jean if they should throw the kids out of the plane, to which he just replies “is throwing some kids out of an airship really going to stop all of this bloodshed?” This part really hurt me, not only because of Sasha’s death, but because even though Jean was in pain after witnessing one of his best friends die right in front of him, he didn’t lash out. He couldn’t. His composure and facial expressions gave off that he was angry and distraught, but he didn’t let that get the best of him. Killing those kids wouldn’t have brought her back and it’s that maturity to not avenge the murderer of his friend that hurt. Again, KEEPS A LEVEL HEAD IN TIMES OF TROUBLE. [vol. 26 ch. 105] (I would post screen caps of the emotional facial expressions from that chapter but there are just too many, so read it for yourself to feel the pain. Instead, here’s this cute picture of my favorite AOT trio).

Jean has also noted his care and affection for his friends before. Shortly before the attack on Marley, the team is having a discussion on who should inherit Eren’s attack Titan, and Jean is super quick to shoot down Mikasa’s offer because he cares about her. & instead suggests himself as a candidate. However, Eren rejects it, along with Sasha and Connie’s proposals, stating he doesn’t want to give it to any of them because they are all important to him and he wants them to live long lives (.....okay this note is mainly about Eren’s sweet and soft heart more so than it is about Jean, I just wanted to throw it in because I don’t think Eren is the heartless, emotionless bastard that he makes himself out to be after the time skip) [vol. 27 ch. 108] But in all seriousness, Jean’s heart does show when he is talking to Mikasa and Connie after Eren‘s suspicious & traitorous actions. Because of how much Eren and Jean didn’t like each other, you’d think Jean would get angry that Eren cursed out Mikasa, aka his dream guuuuurl. But instead he disagrees with Connie on his loyalty and says “I don’t think he’d do something like that without any reason. Somehow, aren’t his real intentions somewhere in there?” [vol. 29 ch. 116] Remember, Jean is an honest person—almost to a fault—so you know he really believes that and isn’t just trying to cheer up Mikasa. Aw we love a loyal sister *cue applause*

Anyways, I could go on for days fawning over this man, but I’m sure you’re all as exhausted from reading this as I am from writing it. SO. In conclusion, Jean Kirstein was a snotty ass bitch in the beginning because he had no reason to believe his perfect life would ever change, until it did. And instead of go on to live a selfish lifestyle, he chose to protect people and lead them because he didn’t want anyone else to go through what he and his friends did, and he did not want to let anyone down who believed in him, thanks to Marco for opening his eyes first. He isn’t arrogant, he doesn’t think he is a god. He accepts his mediocrity & doesn’t try to get on a higher level than anyone else. He’s fucked up before, has made many, many mistakes, and he lives by his choices and decisions even if they come back to haunt him. He is just an average human being, there is nothing special about him. But he is honest and he is caring. He may be a hardheaded, stubborn individual, but he will go to the ends of the earth to protect his comrades and the people he loves.

P.S (This essay also doubles up as an argument explaining why Jean deserves to become the next commander of the survey corps, after Hanji. I believe wholeheartedly that he will lead the survey corps as passionately as Erwin did 💔)

P.P.S (It’s also no surprise that the creator of the Shingeki no Kyojin series, Hajime Isayama, has admitted before that his favorite character is Jean. HE’S THE MANGAKA FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, so I trust his opinion, too. Hehee)

[botaniia]

127

Some 127 thoughts because I promised myself I’d jot these down for future reference before I forget what I initially thought of it

Overall probably one of my fav chapters in a long time because it gave us that sweet, sweet character interaction that I’d been looking forward to since the start of the alliance. 

Jean is the absolute real MVP here. Before he was an okay character to me, I liked him but not extraordinarily much, but this chapter moved him very close to the top of the list. What a beast. I commend Yams for giving him that emotional release

I’m so happy we got to see his internal struggles. I feel like in a way it mirrors his choice to join the Survey Corps. His thoughts were very similar back then as well. Very interesting to see that this longing for comfort, safety, and luxury is still with him after all these years

“I didn’t see anything. I didn’t hear anything” is an absolutely masterful line. Who’d a thunk I’d be broken already on page 2?

Hanji’s refusal to allow mass genocide is commendable. People have been calling her too optimistic, but I don’t think you can deny that genocide is ever a viable option. Saying that genocide is no option isn’t meant to be a solution to the question “what should we do”, it’s stating that there are things that shouldn’t be done. Hanji is right, you cowards

That said, Jean addressing what they should do then is also necessary. I wonder if Isayama saw any of the fandom discussion or if he simply predicted the nature of the discussions, because he nuanced every single point raised very well and gave a satisfying acknowledgement of the complexity of the situation.

“You can’t just massacre everyone! Like hell there’s a good reason to do that!” I want this printed out and framed on my wall. That expression is so powerful and shows us how Hanji ultimately wants a peaceful resolution to this. It tells us a lot about who she is and why she’s struggling with the current predicament.

That spread of everyone sitting by the campfire is absolutely amazing. The tension! The dichotomy between Jean and Hanji as they’re singled out in their own separate panel! The divide between Marley and Paradis with Onyakopon and Yelena in the middle! 

It was at this point I realised that I was only at page 11 and we were about to witness 34 pages of exactly what I’d been hoping for when the alliance formed. We knew confrontation was coming and did it deliver!

Interesting to get an insight into Magath’s thoughts. He always struck me as being less racist than most Marleyans, but apparently I overestimated the extent to which he was fair in his judgment of Eldians. Some major points:

Assuming that every Paradisian would be happy with genocide and would happily live in a world where only they were still alive. He may think more positively of Eldians than your average Marley higher-up, but he still has a prejudiced look on Paradisians. At the same time, he barely had any interaction with them. I’m curious to see how his vision could change when working side-by-side with them.

“In other words, you’re telling me you developed a sense of justice” are you projecting, my man

I did find the shade about letting Eren and Zeke make contact fitting. Must’ve been a shock for the gang that they were wrong and I can see why he’d question it

Jean calling out Magath will be the subject of my dreams for a long time.

Theo “we provoked you numerous times and then you attacked us back, ya demons!?” Magath everyone

We’re mentioning Eren’s mom now? Because you’re absolutely right, Jean. I always thought that it was wrong to call for some violent justice to be carried out against Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie when it’s really their superiors, the ones who chose to send them there, that deserve this treatment. The fact that Magath also had such a great involvement in the warrior project is something that deserved attention called to it, so this feels very nice

“You killed hundreds” “well you killed thousands” “okay but you enslaved our people” is exactly why it’s necessary to look past both sides’ past mistakes. Genocide is never okay, and the history shouldn’t be erased, but both sides have shit they can fling at each other. Both sides have wronged the other. There is no one who comes out on top morally speaking, so it’s pointless to argue that now. That’s what’s been bothering me about the “x is actually the bad guy here” talk in the communities, regardless of who x is. 

Sure, Hanji says she’s talking to Jean, but really she’s talking to Magath and throwing shade about the fact that he’s being bitter about the fact that the evil selfish Paradis devils are trying to stop the rumbling from destroying everything

“Would someone who’d change their mind because of that commit genocide?” are you projecting, Annie? Was there anything that could’ve been said to her that could’ve made her stop the initial attack on the walls? 

Annie slept for five years only to drop outta her crystal and absolutely obliterate the scouts with some harsh truths. She seems so reasonable at the moment and I can sorta admire her dedication to her father.

I want to marry Yelena for everything she said in her trip down memory lane because this was exactly what I had been hoping for this whole chapter and she just gave it to us like that

The panels are on-point. Framing the person she was accusing while also placing their primary victims in the background. Excellent artwork

You know you’re starved for content when just mentioning Bertholdt’s name got me excited. 

“Using the power you stole from Bertholdt Hoover” the rational part in me knows that no one had a choice on that day and the only outcome was his death, even if cool motive, still murder was applicable in the situation. The irrational part in me is cheering Yelena on for wording it like that.

It seems like Reiner and Annie know that Armin inherited the colossal and that Sasha is dead? If they hadn’t, they probably wouldn’t have just sat there staring when learning it for the first time. I’ve seen people annoyed at the fact that these facts were glossed over without much reaction out of the other characters, but I kinda get it. The chapter was already packed with details. Would an acknowledgement have been nice? Yeah, sure, it would’ve been extremely fitting in this conversation, and the fact that it wasn’t there definitely doesn’t do anything to diminish my fear that Bert will never be addressed again. But this chapter already deals with Jean’s anger over Marco’s death, so I get why it wouldn’t fit inside the same chapter. I also feel like Reiner doesn’t believe he has the right to be mad or sad about Bert’s death, exactly because of the things all three of them did. As much as I would have loved some acknowledgement, I think we can’t ignore that the lack of a reaction tells a lot about Reiner and Annie and how they have dealt with this issue in the past. I’m only hoping that they still interact with Armin in some way and give me the content I have been STARVING for. Just a drop, Isayama, please

Armin still looking like a kicked puppy when she says that though. He truly got the real Bert experience of getting orders to be the most destructive force in the assault and then getting to deal with the emotional aftermath, huh

The looks exchanged between the 104th and the kids... God damn, what a perfect page that is. Jean glancing down a panel after he was called out for nearly killing Falco. Gabi getting the true Braun experience of regretting actions she can never take back even if she wants to now. Someone save these children and shelter them from the worst, because I am not happy that literal 12-year-olds are still with the gang. Yams I beg you keep these kids away from combat, I will find out where you live

Yelena did all of that to sow hatred amongst the new alliance, so much effort to put into words what no one dared talk about in this awkward situation, and Jean manages to talk it away and turn it from destructive to constructive. What a man. Seriously, his character development and the guy he’s become are an inspiration.

“What was it again? Your close friend’s name you told me before?” and it was at that moment Reiner realised he should’ve pulled the trigger

It’s very telling that both Annie and Reiner are speaking so openly and so honestly about what they have done after years of secrecy and lies around their former soldier colleagues. In a way, I can imagine that despite the dread of having to tell Jean this, it’s at least something to finally be able to speak the truth. 

I gotta give it to Reiner that he did well speaking up and clarifying that he was the one who was responsible for the death. People always seem to either deem Annie as his killer or split the blame evenly between the three, but while Annie was obeying orders she couldn’t disobey and Bertholdt was doing nothing to prevent it from happening, at the end of the day Reiner is the one who decided that Marco was going to die. So I ain’t even mad that only he gets beaten for it.

Isayama’s expression game is on point for Jean especially this chapter. I can’t wait to see this animated, truly. If this scene were excellent already, this moment will define it. Everyone’s reaction to it is touching. Mikasa showing a rare moment of true grieving sorrow (though I have noticed that post-timeskip, she looks saddened more often than she looks determined) Armin looking like he had a clue that this was the case already, either through deduction or through Bertmin mechanisms (give us the memories, Yams) Connie’s stoic and bitter reaction (still tired of learning that the people who betrayed him are even worse than he thought, but not surprised in the slightest) Reiner and Annie looking pretty exhausted and done with themselves. Fuck. Good page.

“He said we still haven’t talked” narrative mic drop, hot damn

Jean could have easily used this information as a reason to leave the alliance. He so easily could have, and I don’t think anyone in the world would’ve thought it an overreaction. Instead, he was constructive and he remained calm for the greater good. He had more courage, more self-restraint than any other character in this group, and I seriously think this is the pinnacle of his character development. What a great guy.

“Jean that’s my line”

At first I didn’t quite get why Reiner decided to “push his luck” with Jean and tell him that additional stuff, but after giving it some thought it is actually really obvious. This is the most desperate looking we’ve seen him in a long time, and I’d argue that this is even more emotional than what he showed when Eren first lured him into that basement. Marco’s murder was a tragedy and a traumatic experience. With his fellow warriors, he couldn’t truthfully express the guilt he felt over it because he was responsible and he couldn’t show any attachment to the island devils when he was the one constantly checking Annie and Bertholdt’s allegiances. Back in Marley, there was no one he could be honest to because why would a good honourary Marleyan have empathy for a Paradis devil? This murder has been festering inside Reiner’s mind for so long. He couldn’t tell anyone about it and there was no one to judge him for it. He couldn’t just let Jean turn this into something constructive, that’d be far too merciful on him. No matter which shape it took, he needed to confess what he had done and he can’t stress enough that he doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Not from Jean, anyway. But if he wants a chance at ever being able to live with himself again, he had to do this. Add to that that he didn’t know at all what to do anymore (something he literally states), I think it’s fair to say he was looking for some type of closure, even if he hadn’t a clue how to get it.

I, and I’m saying this as a big Reiner fan, have never been as satisfied with a turn of events as seeing Jean beat the living hell out of Reiner in the most visceral, most violent way he could think of in that moment of raw anger. Jean already showed so much restraint in this conversation, so you can’t even call this a rash decision. Reiner had it coming.

The fact that Reiner accepts it without any attempt to defend himself is pretty admirable in its own right, and is again telling of his mental state and self image

Despite the anger, despite the fact that he had probably hoped to see it happen someday, despite the absolute hatred for Reiner, Connie still decided to stop Jean. Despite his damage, deep down you can still see the person he was so many years ago, the person who wants to put an end to conflict.

Gabi, darling... I already liked her just because people unreasonably hate her, but this moment is so character-defining that I can’t help but love her for this. At the start of the Marley arc, Falco is a defensive person and Gabi an offensive person. While we’ve seen Falco forced to be more offensive, Gabi generally stayed on the attack even after her realisation. Here, she could have easily chosen to attack Jean to stop his assault, but instead she threw herself between Reiner and the kick. “Gabi is trash” people love to shout while she decides to sacrifice her own safety to prevent Reiner from being hurt any more. She, a regular human girl who is literally 12, defended an adult titan shifter built like a tank who could’ve easily regenerated from the damage and who clearly deserved the beating. And believe me, at her age a kick like that can be lethal if it lands in the wrong spot. This is the moment where she stole my heart. She has turned into the perfect candidate for the armoured titan.

People saying that it’s good that Gabi got that final kick: have you considered she’s not only, again, literally 12, but also deeply apologetic for what she did and likely a key player in defending Paradis in the future?

Falco is a gentleman and he’s a good kid

Annie caring for Reiner... I didn’t know I needed that in my life, but honestly the idea that she’s looking out for him now (compare to her kicking Reiner back on the first day of the mission) makes me unreasonably happy. They’re the two survivors out of a group of the only four people in the world who can understand what they’ve been through, please look after each other!

The manga has a habit of making the cycle of hatred continue when one character is already sorry about their actions towards the person who next adapts the cycle. It was good to see Jean take the mature option and choose to consciously break it. No one would’ve faulted him had he left that night, but he still came back. He still showed kindness to two children, one he had wronged and one who had wronged him. That’s why Jean is our MVP.

I can’t be the only one who sees some 845 Jean in the way he wakes up and yells at Reiner, right? Also, what a gorgeous contrast between gently shaking awake Gabi and assuring her everything’s right, and giving Reiner a very rude awakening

If there was ever a parallel to make me believe that Reiner may be getting some closure, it’s this one

And despite all the tension and anger, I feel like we’re finally reaching a point where Reiner is finding closure. I’ve said this before, but his suffering only finds meaning if it leads to something, otherwise it just isn’t satisfying. He’s not gonna be forgiven by his former comrades. He knows this and he can accept this. But it’s off his chest and he got the reaction he deserved out of confessing his sins. At this point, I can only hope that this paves the way towards forgiving himself, because lord knows the guy deserves some peace of mind.

I’m walking the fine line between “Annie truly wanted to know where she fit in after all this and we are getting answers in the future” and “Yams is telling us very clearly that he’ll never answer this question”

Jean, my man, you got plenty of practice on everyone’s favourite punching bag, now go replicate everything you just did on Floch!

There’s gonna be lots of death next chapter, huh

Some other, more minor thoughts

Marco is still a cutie, even when in Jean’s conscience vision. 

Remember in 2013/14 when the fandom would get pissy over people finding Marco important and would say that Yams killed him just because he could? Remember when a few months ago even, people were still posting “Marco happened so long ago, Jean doesn’t care about him that much guys, get over it”? Remember when Jean remembered the ashes of his dead friend last chapter? Remember when Jean beat the ever-loving shit out of Reiner when learning he orchestrated Marco’s death? Yeah

Reiner looked unhappy about not being in a depression nap right now the entire chapter long

Need me that panel of Annie with her ring framed on the wall

[lunarkat87]

It's been so long since I posted to this blog. I guess I stopped when I lost touch with my best friend who was like a sister. I've been wishing I could talk to her for guidance for so long, but I had to let her go for myself. She was attempting to push a guy on me when I wasn't ready, and purely so I would have a reason to move back to our hometown. Didn't she remember how bad that place was for me? I was homeless for nearly 4 years, bouncing between places, never secure, just surviving. Every time we talked I could feel my energy depleting, but she was my best friend, so why would I leave her? She was getting married, so naturally she was focused a lot on that, and I was meant to be her maid of honor. And as the MOH, it was my job to stand up for the bride, and to get the bridal party in order. So when I saw how much they kept hurting her, and how she was more sad about her experience as a bride than happy, I stepped up to the plate. Me, the girl terrified of her own shadow on some days. But I did it, and she called me her only friend, and her other bridesmaids did not like it, so they ran to her.... and she called me a bully. It was in that moment that my heart was broken, that she could think I had bullied people into something. She was ultimately my soul mate, we were meant to be in each others lives... and suddenly I was reduced to this one word. And all the pain, all the hurt I had over the years preceding this came pouring out, how she guilt tripped me, how I needed her and she wasn't there, how just because it wasnt what she wanted to do she didn't stick to plans with me. How she blew me off time and again, and how she stopped seeing me and I always had to travel to see her. And it was done. And what broke my heart more was the relief that I felt after I sent her an email. I loved her, so why would I be relieved? But as I write this today, I wish I could talk to her. Because she was and has always only ever been, the person that understood me. Who understood my heart, my mind, my emotions. Who helped me heal from my ex-fiancé that cheated on me. On the days I felt like giving up, and not being able to see through the blinding pain she was there to support me. She sent me quotes, she texted me every day, she made sure I was okay. And she always knew deep down I wasn't, and she was okay with that. She didn't expect or need me to be. And I wish I could have her now, because as I write this that fragile heart that I had finally fixed, has broken and shattered all over again.

You see, I met a guy. It had been 2 years, and I was ready to open myself to the idea of love again, especially because I realized I did not love my ex anymore, nor had I for a long time. I had tried dating in between those years, but it never felt right, or like I was ready. But after spending time on my own and feeling empowered, I downloaded a dating app. But it wasn't long before I began to dislike it, I don't like judging based off of pictures, and only a few words. I was feeling discouraged, maybe I wasn't ready... but then the app pinged for someone they thought I might like. I saw him and thought, wow he is handsome, he has a smile that I could melt from, and.... was that a racoon on his head?? I had to know, and so I hoped he would respond. And there began my downfall, because he did.

We spent an entire week texting, and I found myself eager and smiling at my phone. I was actually excited, and couldn't wait to meet him in person. We even came up with nicknames... he was Cinna-Ron because he asked me if I thought he was as sweet as a cinnamon roll... and he was, but even more so. My heart pounded as I waited to meet at the boba shop where he would pick me up for our date. And when he finally arrived, he was even more amazing in person. And he brought me burgundy colored carnations, it was that moment I knew I'd love those flowers forever. He opened my door for me and was a true gentleman, and when he leaned in to kiss me, I felt the world slow and my heart stop. All I could think was "wow~" we spent the whole night together, talking and kissing and flirting and I was convinced I had never felt more alive. And so began my hope.... that evil, snaring, soul crushing light..... the hope that things would keep going well, and that he felt the same way. To my excitement he did, and it was like I had known him forever. I was so unbelievably happy, and excited, and absolutely terrified. Because deep down I knew he was going to break my heart.... and so I ignored all of my alarms, my instincts. "Run away, he is going to hurt you" "don't let him in, keep him at a distance" "this will only lead to pain" and I could feel my heart shake from fear... like it knew it wouldn't survive another fracture... but I stood my ground, I was going to fight myself and trust for once, because he was nothing like anyone I had ever met before. He made me feel safe, he was why I took so long to come back, because I wanted to give him a real unicumbered chance at loving me, instead of pushing him away. I was happy being alone, I was content with myself and who I was, but I wanted to share it.... so I let him in.

Not long after I began to have health issues, an excruciating pain developed in my abdomen that I never found a real answer for. I hurt my wrist at work, and was in a minor fender bender that hurt my upper back. I was in my last year of Nursing school, and so the stress began to overwhelm me and I started overeating again. Before I knew it I was 30 pounds heavier.... but worst of all the darkness started creeping back in.... here was my depression again.... and crippling anxiety.... it began to be too dark to see any light.... I failed 2 exams in my last semester.... but I still had hope and light because he was there. Reminding me I was smart and I could do it.... and when I opened up about my mental health, I told him I would understand if he didnt want to stay because he didnt sign up for that... and he told me he wasn't going anywhere.... and so I had some hope to hold onto.... because I knew the real Kat was in there still, but the world was piling it on and I was suffocating, and he was patient enough for me to get back to me again. A week later he changed his mind.... he decided he couldn't "reciprocate as strong of feelings" for me as I had for him. A polite way of saying he doesn't love me, and knew he never would. And just like that, hope was gone....

Did I imagine it? The last 8 months? Was I really the only one who fell in love? Did I misread all of his actions as just really strong like and not love? The only reason I was open about my feelings towards him was because I genuinely believed he felt the same, his actions spoke louder than his words, or lack thereof. And I said I would wait for when he was ready to say it back, because I wasn't going anywhere and he made me believe he felt the same.... little did I realize he had one foot out the door from the start of our relationship. He thought the feelings would grow but they never did.... so when he smiled at me and held me close did he feel nothing? Was there not a fire roaring in his chest for me? Did not every fear and care melt away? Did the sound of my voice not send a thrill through his heart? Did he not look at me and feel pure happiness? What happened? What went wrong? What changed? It was me. It had to be me. Why else would he decide this now? He couldnt see the girl he first met anymore, I was a whole new person to him and he did not like what he saw or how he felt with me. And so he decided it wasn't "fair" to me if he kept me because he couldn't "reciprocate as strong of feelings."

Ultimately I don't believe I ever really had a chance with him, because he kept me at a distance emotionally. I realize now he never truly opened himself to me, and when he saw how serious, how real a relationship with me could be. He chose to run instead of opening his heart to being hurt. So you know what, maybe I do deserve better than that. I deserved the person he made me believe be was, he started out all in but I didnt realize he had that foot out the door, especially after I told him those three words. He has an idea of what he thinks love is like and how it's supposed to last, but doesn't realize that love is different each time you find it. He always told me he loves love, so why didnt he want the love in front of him? I think he still holds his heart for the one girl he ever really loved. So he'll never find what he is looking for because each new person he brings into his world, he never really gives a chance to, they'll never fit that mold. How can he expect to love someone, if he doesn't allow himself to? And yet, here I am... still wondering why I was not enough.... it's never enough.... and so I've closed my heart to love permanently. Because I can't stand this pain.... I feel so tricked... and so betrayed... the only quote befitting this is by Bob Marley "The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her." How do I trust love if it ever comes again? Because what I mistook for love from him, was apparently nothing.... how do I trust actions now? How do I trust myself? And how did I mean absolutely nothing to him? Why am I the only one hurting? How was I so blind? I was foolish to believe someone like him actually loved me... it never crossed my mind that he didn't... he never made me feel otherwise.... I hate this. But what can I do? He'll never regret this decision, that isn't like him. Why would he regret leaving someone he doesn't love? He'll never miss me, for the same reasons. I can't make him love me if he doesn't. I'll be a fleeting thought for him, but for me he'll always be that maybe. I'll always find myself wanting to talk to him, wishing I could be with him. And if he ever does find love, I'll likely envy that girl. Because she must be something truly special to awaken his love... so I'll go back to finding myself. I'll try to finish school amidst this chaos in the world, become a nurse, buy a house with a backyard for my dogs. And be content knowing that I don't want love, I don't want this pain. I reached for too much happiness and light, and so the universe has ripped all of that away from me, reminding me that I don't get that kind of contentment. School hangs in the balance, still unsure if they will be able to continue due to Covid-19. The man I thought loved me is gone, and my love with him. That bright shiny future I thought was waiting this year is gone. So now I'm lost to wander alone. But this time I choose to be, because this pain isn't worth my sanity, or my life. I'm tired of surviving, I want to live.... Goodbye my sweetest of cinnamon rolls... I know you'll never see this... but I hope you know the love I felt was real...

03/19/2020 2220

[nowshin17]

Imperfection is perfection

In today’s age of internet and social media, being perfect has become an obsession not just for the young generations out there but also for adults. Spending dollars after dollars just to be perfect like the Victoria Secret’s Angel or to look like a perfect model seen on Vogue cover. But is this actually perfection? I highly doubt it. If I am being honest there is no such thing as perfection. It’s just an abstract word found in the pages of books and magazines. When in reality, perfect means the exact opposite.

Over the years we are taught to be perfect in every way, be it physically or in our activities, work or the way we dress ourselves (goes for both genders, by the way). We spend half of our life to be this “all perfect” person. Whenever we try to be ourselves, whenever we try to accept our flaws, we are instantly told or commented by people, saying that we shouldn’t be proud of our flaws and should try to cover it or get rid of it otherwise we won’t be accepted by the world. There was this saying by Bob Marley,

“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m no perfect and I don’t live to be- but before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean.”

This saying of his is so impactful and honestly it couldn’t be truer. In this world I believe individually that nobody’s perfect and if someone says or believes that he or she is perfect in every means, I would likely consider them to be foolish or would assume they are in denial or they are the most fakest person. Because as humans we are prone to mess things up no matter how much we try to do it properly. It’s in our traits and we can’t help it and that’s what makes us human.

In my life I came across people who hates themselves because of the flaws they have or the way they are and on this note I remember Tyrion Lannister’s dialogue from Game of Thrones.

“Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like an armor and it can never be used to hurt you”.

He said this to Jon Snow, another character from Game of Thrones, when he was ashamed or was feeling low since (Spoiler Alert) he was a bastard in the show. And I totally agree with Tyrion Lannister because I believe if one can’t accept one’s flaws or the way he or she is , that is, if one can’t love themselves exactly the way they are it’s impossible for them to love others or to love others the way they deserve to be loved. Many people can’t accept their flaws and they usually give away their whole life trying to create an illusion of being “PERFECT”. I don’t really know if I should feel sorry for them or laugh at them for being such cowards, wasting their life behind something so non-existent. If I am asked whom do, I think to be the most fake person? I would gladly reply the most “POLISHED PERFECT PERSON”. Sounds rude but it’s the actual truth.

I don’t understand why people fail to acknowledge the fact that we people are meant to have flaws and make mistakes because we aren’t a robot. We are bound to have flaws and make mistakes and we shouldn’t ever feel ashamed of that nor be afraid to accept the real us. And honestly once we are able to accept the real us openly and proudly the world would also learn to accept the real us. But it is on us to

take a step towards self-love and accept ourselves without changing and the rest will automatically follow and also learn to accept the way we are. To love others fully we need to love ourselves first. We have to start with ourselves so that we can also love others with that much compassion and passion.

Remember always, perfection isn’t what we saw growing up, on social media or vogue covers. Perfection is to be comfortable in our own body, to eat whatever we feel like without worrying about the bulges in our body, wearing sweatshirts and going out without makeup, without having to worry how we walk or how we talk. Perfection is being yourself, loving yourself just the way you are with all your flaws. So, accept your flaws and imperfections with a warm heart and never change yourself because someone doesn’t like you the way you are, because the right person or the person who really loves you, will accept you and love you despite your flaws, just the way you are. So never ever stop loving yourself because life is too short to care about others opinion or what they think about you. And to me the bravest are those who love themselves the way they are without a doubt. To me they are the most perfect and the most transparent person in this world. And never forget, when all the details fit in perfectly, something is probably wrong with the story. And I can’t help but finish it without saying,

“BE PERFECTLY IMPERFECT”

Written by

Tasfia Nausheen

#selflove #beautyiswithinimperfection #perfectionisimperfection #confidentandbeautiful

[justacynicalromantic]

Just my rant on SnK

namely, Eren x Historia, Zeke's character, Zeke vs Levi and all the fandom in general

People who are refusing to see all the numerous Eren x Historia hints Isayama peppered throughout the whole manga are people who are afraid to let go of the vision of Shingeki no Kyojin and its plot they cultivated in their minds.

Me, I rarely ship something just because I love the pair. In every story, in every fandom, I ship satisfying plot. That's it.

I was only mildly invested in Game of Thrones, while I believed they were heading for Jon x Dany and the boring Living vs Dead ending, it's only when they were closer to the story end in s7, when I saw all the Jonsa and pol!Jon and Dark!Dany hints (I saw them earlier too, especially dark!Dany - her problematic behavior irritated me from s1, but I thought that all that would amount only to problems the Good™ side would have to overcome to battle the Evil™), came back to rewatch the show and finally saw the true real story GRRM and D&D were crafting (that is infinetelly more awesome and interesting than what is on the surface level), that I finally entered the GoT fandom.

Similarly, I was only mildly invested in SnK before the Marley arc - not because I fell in love with the Marley side, but because with the introduction of it, the plot jumped from being just a very entertaining story to "hooo boy this can rival all the epic serious classic literature pieces!!"

Back to Eren x Historia. People who believe the father is the Farmer Guy, are seriously ignoring this panel:

Back when we got Grisha's story from Grisha's POV, I kept telling people that when Zeke outed his parents he was manipulated to do so, because he was a child, and that he was traumatised by the experience. I based that on the following panels:

1) at the very end of the chapter, we get Zeke determinly pointing a finger at his parents, looking like a Child Villain™ (which, frankly, is already a sign it's Isayama playing with tropes, since there's no Villains™ and especially Kid Villains™ in his story)

2) but at the begining of the next one, we get Zeke's face in the moment right after he pointed a finger at them, and he looks like this:

^finger uncertaintly lowering down, eyes terrified and shocked. Assured by the adult he trusted that this is the right path (manipulated is the more correct word, even if the coward Xaver didn't understand he's manipulating a 7 y.o. baby), he probably mastered all his courage and determination to go to the Marley authorities and point a finger at his parents... But then it was done, and his parents were being led away... And here you really see what is happening - a scared child who loves his parents watching them being taken away (I can even clearly see a scared and confused "Mom?... Dad?..." in his eyes), when the reality of what is really happening finally catches up to him. Again, I remind you ZEKE WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD.

3) And then his face closes off:

^^ this is the beginning of "Euthanasia plan" Zeke - the child who rationalises that it's better for Eldians not to be born - to cover for his own suicidal tendencies; the child who hates his own father who he loved and idolises the parent figure who misguided him - to cover for the hate he feels for himself for what he did; the child who places all the blame on his father and can't stop seeing the world through the lenses of the adults in his life - because to do otherwise would make him to confront the truth of his own feelings and that would destroy him. Ultimately, Zeke's euthanasia plan is born of his belief "I should have never been born" and of "I hate myself". The reasoning he created for that plan, the reasoning he adopted from the coward Xaver for that decision - all of it is just a way to fool himself into thinking this idea is a sound one and not one born of his own feelings and his depression and suicidal desires. His latching onto Xaver and his ideas and idolising him is a way to convince himself that his father was utterly wrong and silence the knowledge inside himself that he destroyed the father he loved and wanted to be proud of him.

Without the specifics - the names and the specifics of Xaver's involvement - I still got all that back then from these three panels.

People didn't believe me, didn't listen to me, and threw rotten tomatos at me.

Why the majority of the fandom didn't want to see a deeply traumatised child in those three panels? Well, because - and here I am so 😂 now - we all knew Levi would have to kill him to fullfill his promise to Erwin! They wanted their fave to descend onto the Evil Zeke like a vengefull angel and bring justice to him - not see their fav essentially beating and destroying a misguided and sympathetic guy. They didn't want to feel sorry for Zeke when Levi would kill him.

NOW LOOK HOW IT ALL TURNED OUT!😂😂😂

Now, I am telling you - no way Historia x Farmer Guy exists. She doesn't feel any romantic feelings for him.

Do you think that Isayama would write Historia essentially raping a NPC farmer guy to save herself?

The only thing that prevents you from clearly seeing the answer, is your complete undesire to see all the numerous Eren x Historia hints Isayama, yes, peppered throughout the whole manga!

But you don't want to see it. Because Eren x Historia essentially gets in the way of a great number of the fandom's fanservise-y desires. Just like in the case with humane!Zeke.

But just like with Zeke, you'll see what Isayama placed right in front of your nose to see from looooong ago, but you were too stubbornly clinging to your own vision of the plot and what fanservice you want out of it to see it.

[historyquotesnfactsdaily]

More Historic Quotes

“He who is not busy being born is busy dying”-Bob Dylan

“As a well spent day brings happy sleep, so well life used brings happy death”-Leonardo Da Vinci

“The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins?”-Edgar Allan Poe

“Death is nothing, but to live defeated is to die everyday”-Napoleon Bonepart

“Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once”-William Shakespeare 

“No one really knows why they are alive until they know what they’d die for”-MLK Jr

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time”-Mark Twain

“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated”-Mark Twain

“The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone’s death”-Albert Einstein

“I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death”-Leonardo Da Vinci

“While I thought I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die”-Leonardo Da Vinci

“I’m the one that’s got to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to”-Jimi Hendrix

“No one here gets out alive”-Jim Morrison

“I’m not afraid of death because I don’t believe in it. It’s just getting out one car into another”-John Lennon

“Death pays all debts”-William Shakespeare

“Though death be poor, it ends a mortal woe”-William Shakespeare

“Death takes no bribes”-Benjamin Franklin

“When he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun”-William Shakespeare

“Many people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they are 75”-Benjamin Franklin

“Let us endeavour so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry”-Mark Twain

“I do not fear death. I have been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it”-Mark Twain 

“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering fear, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before”-Edgar Allan Poe

“Live how we can, yet die we must”-William Shakespeare

“Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us; our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life”-Albert Einstein

“To die laughing must be the most glorious death of all glorious deaths!”-Edgar Allan Poe

“Every man must do two things alone; he must do his own believing and his own dying”-MLK Jr

“Everything you can imagine is real”-Pablo Picasso

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly”-Bobby Kennedy

“Believe you can and you’re halfway there”-Theodore Roosevelt

“Diligence is the mother of good luck”-Benjamin Franklin

“Energy and persistence conquer all things”-Benjamin Franklin

“Don’t stop when you’re tired; stop when you’re done”-Marilyn Monroe

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started”-Mark Twain

“I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do”-Leonardo Da Vinci

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward”-MLK Jr

“Half-Heartedness never won a battle”-William McKinley

“When the power of love overpowers the love of power, the world will know peace”-Jimi Hendrix

“Don’t gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver and gold”-Bob Marley

“If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there’d be peace”-John Lennon

“True peace is not merely the absence of tension: it is the presence of justice”-MLK Jr

“I am not only a pacifist I am a militant pacifist. I am willing to fight for peace. Nothing will end war unless the people themselves refuse to go to war”-Albert Einstein

“The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it”-Albert Einstein

“Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding”-Albert Einstein

“Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process, gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures”-JFK

“There never was a good war or a bad peace”-Benjamin Franklin

“I was a drum major for peace”-MLK Jr

“There is something strangely inconsistent about a nation and a press that would praise you when you say, ‘Be nonviolent toward Jim Clark,’ but will curse and damn you when you say, ‘Be nonviolent toward little brown Vietnamese children.’ There is something wrong with that press”-MLK Jr

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

This was originally a headcanon post but I got carried away

I like to imagine Kurt bringing Blaine to his mom’s grave to introduce them to each other. Maybe it’s just after Blaine transferred to McKinley High, and Kurt decides that he wants his mom to meet the boy who’s made his life so special, the boy who’s given him courage.

So they go after Glee practice one day, they drive up to the cemetery, and at first Blaine has no idea where they’re going because Kurt is oddly quiet - it must be something important. Kurt stops off at one point to get some flowers and Blaine jokingly asks if they’re for him; Kurt smiles tightly and tells him that he’ll buy flowers for his boyfriend in good time. Then when they pull up outside the gates, Blaine feels a lump in his throat all of a sudden; it makes sense, he realizes. He knows Kurt was really close to his mom, that her death hurt him, and he’s suddenly at a loss of what to say.

They get out, Kurt has the flowers in his hand, and Blaine cautiously offers his arm. Kurt gratefully links his arm through Blaine’s and manages a small smile before leading the way down the graveyard path. They turn a few corners before finally Kurt stops at a headstone near a tree.

Elizabeth Hummel - Loving Wife and Mother, it reads. Blaine remains a few meters behind and watches as Kurt carefully cleans the old flowers from his mother’s grave, giving him space. Kurt places his flowers down by the stone before taking a deep breath and beckons for Blaine to join him.

“Mom,” he says, and he smiles sadly. “This is Blaine. My boyfriend.”

Blaine smiles too, looking at the headstone. “I’m pleased to meet you, Mrs Hummel. Kurt’s told me a lot about you.”

“You’d like Blaine,” Kurt says seriously. “He’s wonderful and just as talented as me.”

Blaine chuckles under his breath. “Not possible - your son is amazing.”

They talk to the headstone for five or ten minutes, they lose track of how long exactly, before Kurt takes his boyfriend’s hand and squeezes tightly. “She really would love you,” he says softly.

“I hope so,” Blaine murmurs, squeezing back. “Kurt?... Thank you for bringing me to meet her.”

“Well, you’ve already met my dad and Carole,” Kurt reminds him, smiling again as they go to leave the cemetery. “I think my mom would be furious if I didn’t introduce her to the love of my life.”

Blaine doesn’t know what to say because he’s so choked up with emotion; finally, he says, “you’re the love of my life too, Kurt.”

And he doesn’t doubt it for one minute.

When Kurt leaves for New York, Blaine visits Elizabeth Hummel’s grave regularly; he promised Kurt he would do it, and he doesn’t take that promise lightly.

He brings flowers and sits by her headstone for long periods of time, come rain or shine. He tells Mrs Hummel about her son, how he’s doing in New York, how he’s going to shine; he talks about his own life a little bit too, about how his dad hasn’t been home in years, how his brother continues to promise to take him out but never does. He tells her about how Burt and Carole are, how Finn joined the army, and it becomes one of his favorite parts of the week. 

He confesses how miserable he feels, however, how alone because Kurt is gone and he doesn’t really know anyone else properly - at Dalton he was Blaine Warbler, the star, the lead. At McKinley, he’s trying to become a good leader of the New Directions but he feels like he’s failing; everyone just sees him as Kurt’s boyfriend, the ‘other’ gay. He tells her about Kurt being too busy to talk, about him seeming to drift away, how his depression and anxiety is getting worse because of it - it frightens him.

The afternoon he meets Eli C, Blaine misses his trip to the cemetery. He can’t bring himself to go because he knows what a huge mistake he made, how badly he messed up.

He’s a coward, he tells himself miserably, and Kurt’s mom would know it. He is too afraid to face her headstone after what he did. In a way, it feels like he’s betrayed her as much as he’s betrayed Kurt, and he hates himself for it.

After the break up, it takes Blaine weeks to go back to her headstone; when he gets there, Burt is already there. His shame swells, confronted by both of Kurt’s parents.

Burt looks awkward but says, “you alright, kid?”

Blaine can not speak, his throat closing up. Burt Hummel should be tearing him apart, and he knows it. He’s just waiting for it, for the punishment of hurting this man’s boy so badly.

Burt puts a hand on his shoulder, and then Blaine is suddenly breaking down, unable to stop himself. “I’m sorry,” he sobs, to both Burt and the gravestone. “I’m sorry, I screwed up, I’m sorry, I’m sorry...”

Burt Hummel awkwardly puts a hand on Blaine’s back, a bit bewildered but firm nonetheless. “Hey, it’s okay, calm down-“

“I hurt him, I cheated on him, I’m disgusting, I’m disgusting, I’m-“

To his shock, Burt claps him on the shoulder. “Stop that - you’re not disgusting.” And then, “yeah, you messed up BIG time, Anderson, but there’s no need to hate yourself so much. You think Kurt would want that?”

“Kurt...Kurt hates me.”

“Like hell he does,” Burt scoffs. “He’s upset and pissed, yeah, but I know he doesn’t hate you. I’m not saying what you did was okay - it was pretty messed up and wrong - but he doesn’t hate you. Give him some time and maybe you guys can talk stuff out.”

Neither of them speak for a moment. Blaine pulls away, embarrassed and trying not to cry again as he focuses on the headstone before them. Finally, Burt clears his throat.

“So...you been visiting Kurt’s mom then?”

“I’m sorry,” Blaine mumbles again hurriedly. “Kurt and I used to visit, and when he left he told me to visit for him...didn’t want her to be lonely. I shouldn’t come anymore, it’s not right...”

Burt stares at him for a moment, searching him before tucking his hands in his jacket and looking at his wife’s grave. “Nah, don’t worry ‘bout it. Pretty sure Liz doesn’t mind.”

“But...I...her son...”

But Burt just shakes his head. “If there’s one thing you should know about Lizzie, it’s that she had the biggest heart; there was no limit to the love in that woman, I swear... If she was here right now, she’d probably want to help take care of you, want to help make things right between you and Kurt. You know, after yelling at you about hurting him.”

“I...I really am sorry,” Blaine whispers, and he’s not sure if he’s saying it to Burt or Kurt’s mom. “Kurt deserves so much better.”

Burt doesn’t agree nor disagree; instead, he puts a hand on Blaine’s shoulder and clears his throat again. “It’s getting cold; you need anything, come by the house - and I’m sure Liz won’t mind you dropping by here either.”

In the weeks between then and Christmas, Blaine spends more time at the Hummel-Hudson household than he does his own; it’s a little weird, given that Finn is somewhat of a teaching assistant now as opposed to a fellow student, but neither of them mind too much. Blaine doesn’t understand how the family continue to like him, especially since he knows they all know what he did to hurt Kurt.

He supposes it shouldn’t surprise him that Carole is unusually kind to him - she’s always kind, she has a good heart - but he finds himself shocked anyway when she sits and talks to him over coffee. She offers him advice, words of wisdom and comfort, and he sees no judgement in her eyes despite the fact he cheated on her stepson. It makes him yearn for his own mother more than ever - his mother loves him, but she is rarely home and he’s lonely. It feels nice when Carole hugs him and tells him it’ll be okay, so nice that he sometimes wonders if it’s true.

Even with his regular visits to the Hummel-Hudson house, Glee Club, school, Sectionals practice and homework, Blaine makes time to visit the graveyard as often as possible. He feels like he’s intruding still, that he shouldn’t be there, but he goes anyway - it makes him feel closer to Kurt somehow, like they’re there together. 

He visits just after Sectionals, miserable because they were disqualified, because Glee Club is being disbanded; he’s not angry at Marley for fainting but at himself for not noticing that she had been eating less and less, that she had been struggling. He has failed as the Glee Club leader, failed the whole team, and it feels like his strongest connection to Kurt is being cut off now. He joins the Cheerios Squad, but it really isn’t the same. The only positive he can take from it all is that Kurt had phoned him and they’d spoken.

“We’re going to see each other at Christmas, Mrs Hummel,” Blaine says quietly, hope blossoming inside of him. “We’re going to talk properly...maybe he doesn’t hate me.”

Just before Christmas, he arrives at the graveyard to find Burt by the grave again, looking only somewhat troubled. He asks what’s wrong, and the older man sighs.

“Just got test results back from the doctor - prostate cancer.”

Blaine feels something inside of him shrivel and die. “Oh...Oh God...”

“They caught it early,” Burt states optimistically. “And I ain’t going down without a fight - I got too much to live for to die.” He pauses, eyes focused on the marble headstone in front of them. “Lizzie died of cancer, you know. It destroyed Kurt when she got sick, made him worry too much for a kid his age - I can’t let him go through that again, Blaine.”

“No,” Blaine agrees quietly. “You can’t.”

After a moment’s hesitation, he finds himself tentatively offering to help however he can - driving him to the hospital for his treatments, making sure he doesn’t put too much stress on his heart, that kind of thing. Burt considers before agreeing, saying it might make Kurt feel better if there’s someone in Lima who’ll keep an eye on him.

“I don’t want Kurt quitting that internship of his, or giving up his place at that NYADA school next term,” Burt says firmly. “He will if he thinks he has to for me.” And then, “I’m going up to New York to spend some time with him - I’ll tell him then.” After an even longer pause, he continues, “Why don’t you come, Blaine? Maybe it’ll give you two the chance to talk things over.”

The temptation of seeing Kurt is too much to resist - he accepts immediately, feeling his heart suddenly jump in his chest.

Throughout the new year, he takes Burt to and from his appointments, trying to be as helpful as he can and taking notes on what the doctors say so he can send it to Kurt and keep him updated. Glee Club, now reinstated, continues in full-swing and he finds himself growing closer to Tina and Sam; they are allowed to compete at Regionals later in the year, they’re told, because the Warblers had been found to be using performance-enhancing drugs. He suddenly finds himself glad he didn’t return to Dalton after all.

His visits to Kurt’s mom are no longer as frequent, but he brings flowers and news each time; Burt’s doing well, treatment seems to be going okay...Kurt and I talk a little now, even if it’s just about his dad... It feels nicer than he wants to admit. 

A few days after Valentine’s Day, Blaine finds himself practically bouncing down the path to the grave, unable to help himself. “Kurt and I talked at the wedding!” He tells the stone breathlessly. “He’s not that angry anymore... we even hook-... I mean, we...we maybe had a thing at the wedding.”

It feels inappropriate to mention the fact he and her son had passionate sex in a hotel room on Valentine’s Day, even if she isn’t really there in the flesh.

“We’re not back together,” He says, deflating a little now. “But maybe someday we can be...baby steps.”

He asks Burt’s permission first to propose to Kurt; at first Burt Hummel warns him about going too fast, about allowing themselves to be young, but he then reminds Blaine that it’s up to him and Kurt - whatever happens, he will be there to support them all the way.

With this clearing his conscience, Blaine then visits Elizabeth Hummel; he knows she won’t be able to answer properly, but he still feels it’s the least he can do. He tells her about the ring he’s bought Kurt, about his plans for the proposal, about everything he can.

“I want to make him happy, Mrs Hummel,” He says finally, voice soft. “That’s all I want.”

Maybe it’s his imagination, but he’s sure he feels the wind gently blow through his hair as he leaves.

Kurt and Blaine visit her together briefly - her grave is not too far from where the upturned dirt marking Finn’s final resting site is.

Kurt cries, leaning on Blaine for comfort, as he tells his mother about how awful it was to hear the news of his stepbrother’s premature death; his dad is trying to remain strong for Carole, they both are, because it’s her son and now she’s a mother without a son, and it just hurts to think that they’ll never see his face or listen to his jokes ever again.

Blaine waits until Kurt falls silent before swallowing. “Mrs Hummel? Maybe...if you don’t mind...you could look after Finn.”

Kurt’s breath hitches but he slowly nods in agreement. “Yeah...Yeah, that would be great, Mom. I mean...Carole’s always looked out for me,” He admits. “Always treated me like I was hers too, so...so I think she’d be grateful if you took care of Finn for her now.”

They both already know that she will - she’s that kind of selfless person, after all.

Being in New York after graduation makes it difficult to visit, but they agree that when they go to visit Kurt’s dad or whoever-else-in-Lima next, they’ll stop by and say hello. 

When they break up again, Blaine stops visiting completely. It’s Kurt who begins to sit for hours and talk to her again, just like old times.

“I messed up, Mom,” Kurt says tearfully. “I ruined things for us.”

More than ever, he wishes he could hug her and hear her advice on the matter - he’s so lost and unsure.

The next time they visit together is far happier; after years of struggling and hardship, they’re finally married. Husbands.

“You’d have loved it, Mom,” Kurt says happily. “The barn it was in was all done up, fairy lights everywhere...Dad officiated. It was so perfect, Mom.”

They have to depart for their impromptu honeymoon soon, but they stay long enough to recount the details of the surprise double wedding and everything else before saying goodbye. As they leave, Kurt hears Blaine murmur, “Thanks for everything...Mom”, and his heart swells in his chest.

Yeah, he thinks blissfully, thanks, Mom.

“Mom...we’d like you to meet your first grandchild.”

Blaine is carefully resting their daughter in the crook of his arm, absolutely enamoured by her, as Kurt beams with unmistakable joy. Despite their lack of sleep, they’re both unbelievably happy.

“We named her after you, Mom,” Kurt continues. “Elizabeth Hummel-Anderson - Ellie, for short. She’s so beautiful...she’s already got Blaine’s hair.”

Blaine laughs softly. “No, she has Kurt’s eyes - and she is the most beautiful baby around.”

As the sun starts to shine through the trees, it feels as though Mrs Hummel is there with them, gazing at their new baby girl with adoration.

[pucker-sauce]

Jitty || The Finale

WHO: Jackie Puckerman & Kitty Wilde

WHERE: Kitty Wilde’s Apartment Hallway

WHEN: Saturday, February 23rd

WHAT: The stuff exchange. Jackie and Kitty exchange some of the collection of things they’d left at each others places over the course of their 8 month relationship (I’ve been this rp long enough for chars to have had an 8 month relationship :O). They have words and pain is also exchanged.

Jackie

It had been 11 days since Jackie’d been dumped, but who’s counting? It took her 3 days to realize having Kitty’s stuff randomly pop up would just be another source of hurt, but it also took her another 7 to realize staring at a box marked ‘Her Shit’ wasn’t helpful either. In the same instance that realization came to her mind, Jackie picked up her phone and sent the text. The whole exchange sort of felt to her like their relationship did, a lot of the time, Jackie giving a section of her feelings and Kitty returning very little. Fuck, why did it hurt when it’s clear the blonde hadn’t ever really wanted to be with her? How could she have not seen it the whole time? 

 The painful text exchange was followed by some gossip crap, more tearing Jackie down of course,  because even when she wasn’t doing anything wrong she was still the one to get shat on right? Fuck that day and everyone enjoying it to be honest. Luckily Jackie had dinner with Kate, who’d also experienced a bit of unfair prodding, and two large bottles of wine to share, … well Jackie drank a bottle and a half, her day had obviously been slightly more difficult… right? At the end of the night Jackie made sure Kate got in safe and headed for a bar. And okay when she invited herself to Reggie’s later that night it wasn’t a complete lie when she said she’d walked around the city. She totally walked across the street to get to the bar from her Uber, and she was in fact in NYC, so not a lie.

That morning she woke up in Reggie’s apartment with a bitch of a headache and had to call into work. Chose to, she chose to call in and have someone cover her class. She woke up again an hour later with the realization of an impending exchange causing her head to throb even more. “Fuck!” She looked at her phone a message from Kitty confirming their meetup, then at Reggie her sleep snuggle hostage, before quietly sliding out of bed and tiptoeing out of the apartment. Jackie quickly, as quickly as a very hungover person could, went home brushed her teeth, washed her face, grabbed the box and was out… after another quick nap. When she finally made it to Kitty’s apartment it was 15 past 1. Maybe being late was a good thing. Kitty probably made plans after and would need to hurry this along, a quick handoff. Jackie knocked softly, adjusted the box in her arms,  then the giant sunglasses on her face and just waited quietly.

Kitty

Breakups were weird. True, Kitty didn’t have a ton of experience with them, this being her first real relationship and all, but she’d had her fair share of endings in her 23 years and she could say from experience they were always weird. They sucked. Even when it felt like it was for the best. Which this one was, she was sure. When they’d started this thing up again for real they’d been good for each other, they’d been happy, and secure, and solid but things had changed like they always did. Kitty could list all the instances that had put doubts in her mind -- the lack of trust, the possessive streak -- but if Kitty were being honest (and wasn’t it time for her to be honest if with no one but herself?) she’d been phoning it in for the last few months. And Marley was right, she deserved better than that. They both did. None of that made her decision any easier, mind you, but it had made it necessary. 

 Now she could breathe again. 

 Sort of. There was still the nagging guilt that came with hurting someone you still love --  because nobody ever told you that falling out of love doesn’t mean you stop caring. And she did still care! It was why she played the part of the heartless asshole to make things easier for Jackie and why she’d packed up all of Jackie’s things and put them in the front closet before Lara came over for Jeopardy and Chill the night before. It was also why she was wearing sweats and no make-up when she answered the door at 1:15 Saturday afternoon. She wasn't trying to win this breakup she was just trying to live her life so why not give Jackie the satisfaction of seeing her at her worst, right? She kept her expression neutral as she opened the door, not wanting to give much of her inner turmoil away. “Hey…”

Jackie

As soon as the door opened Jackie realized she’d been holding her breath. “Hey...” It seemed like no time had passed since she’d seen Kitty last, yet simultaneously it seemed like it had been forever. She wouldn’t look at her for too long, she couldn’t.  She wanted to scream, ‘you were never in this why did we even do this’ , but she didn’t. Instead she took a deep breath. “So yeah, got my stuff KitKa- ... Kitty?” This was it, this was the actual end. Another on the growing list of ends. “I packed up everything I could find around my place so we should be good after this.” She held out the box. ‘Take it and go, please’, that’s all she could think. Jackie didn’t want to be here, she didn’t want to be where Kitty was, interacting with her. Because Kitty hurt her, but the blonde was fine, outside of the pity for poor poor downgrade Jackie. How was that fair? Mary Katherine was in her face proof of what she’d known her entire life about herself. “We’re good, right?”

Kitty

Yep. Breakups officially sucked. And seeing Jackie, like actually seeing her, made it worse. The guilt, the pit in her stomach, the reality of their new normal -- all of it, so much worse. She realized then why she’d made the coward move and ended things over a text, because seeing her like this hurt. It was so much easier to be fine from a distance. Shit. She really hadn’t thought this all through. She should have asked Nicola or Lola to do the drop off instead. It probably would have been easier for everyone, but there was part of her that knew she owed Jackie at least this much. 

 So, she took the box, trying not to think too hard about what Jackie constituted as ‘hers’ after eight months of their lives together. Christ. She was not looking forward to going through it later. “Thanks,” she said, her voice quiet and subdued as she placed the box on the ground beside her. Wincing, Kitty turned to the hall closet to grab the box she’d placed Jackie’s things in. She was Kitty now. Not KitKat. Probably the only person in New York City Jackie didn’t have a cute nickname for anymore and that stung too, but she deserved it. “Here,” she said, waiting for Jackie to take the box she held awkwardly with one arm. “Yeah, I think that’s everything.” It was all so uncomfortable. Robotic almost. She wished she’d booked some trivia time with Lara for that evening, because she knew she’d certainly need a distraction after. 

 Kitty scratched the back of her neck with her free hand, a nervous habit, when she realized she’d forgotten something. Fuck. Her hand moved to her chest where the necklace Jackie had given her -- the one she’d worn every day since Jackie had given it to her, the one she’d taken off eleven days ago -- usually sat. “Oh, the necklace! I -- I mean, you should have it, I’m sure it cost a lot of money…”

Jackie

Kitty walked away and Jackie finally looked up longer than a moment and took a deep breath. This was fine, short and sweet, and she’d be out. But then Jackie saw the box, she didn’t want a box. She wanted two things. She Should have specified that everything else could have been burned. She didn’t want clothes that might smell like Kitty, she didn’t want any reminders really, it’s just that was her favorite God Damn blanket, and it took her forever to find that signed book of poetry she wasn’t losing them too over the other woman’s decision. An entire box though, was a big ‘I may have wasted nearly a /YEAR/ of my life loving someone who didn’t love me back.’ stamp. Fuck if she’d ever do this again. 

 The ache that shot through her when she took the box from Kitty’s hands almost took her out, it was something so emotionally painful it manifested itself into something physical. But then… it seemed to Jackie as if Kitty went, ‘You think that’s painful, Bitch, hold my beer.’ That necklace. It was a gift that Jackie was at the time proud to give. Something she knew the other woman would love and always have… always. What did that even mean? It didn’t even cross her mind that she would want to give it back.

“Really? Did I ask for the necklace? I asked for two damn things. It’s your necklace. I don’t want that shit… Fuck, do you hate me or something? What did I do to you? I mean you were tired of the charade of being with me, got it, but I really never meant anything to you did I? Just some placeholder.” Jackie took a step back and dropped the box at her own feet. “I fucking loved you. And you played me and now you’re just rubbing the shit in right?” Jackie just stared at the blonde, fuming and broken. Tears began to fall as she bent down and opened the box, rummaging through she found the book and then grabbed the blanket. “How about you do this, be that good ol’ Christian you’re so proud of being, pawn it and donate the money.” She didn’t need this shit. Jackie didn’t want to cry in front of her. She wasn’t some piece of shit to be pitied and that’s what was going to happen or Kitty would laugh about it with whoever she found her ‘happy’ with.

Kitty

She knew she’d made a mistake the second the words left her mouth, but it was too late. Another reminder of why these things were easier when done via text message -- it allowed a person the time to edit that face to face interactions were severely lacking. It was funny, in the kind of way that wasn’t funny at-fucking-all because hadn’t she just answered an ask that morning about being a good person? And in that moment she was sure she’d been right, she might look good on the outside but inside… she was all bad. What had she been thinking? She hadn’t, that was the problem. Kitty had wanted to make things easier for Jackie but the reality was she’d done it to ease her own guilt. She had always known she was selfish, but this felt like a new low. 

 “I didn’t -- It’s not like that! I just thought --” What? That Jackie might want to see it for a few bucks? That she’d want it back to hurt her?  Or had she just wanted to get rid of it to make herself feel better? So she wouldn’t have to hurt every time she looked at it? She deserved this, she knew it. 

She deserved to hurt. But fuck, did Jackie really think so lowly of her? Five year’s they’d been going at this -- off and on and off again -- Jackie knew her better than most other people, did she really think she didn’t care at all?“Stop! Just -- stop saying that! Of course you meant something to me Jay.” A beat, her own tears forming in her eyes. “I loved you too. You were the first woman I ever loved. I --” There was a moment where she considered shutting down again, Jackie for sure didn’t want to hear it anyway, she’d already made up her mind, but there was something inside of her that said fuck it. “I wanted this to work. I really thought… if I could it work with anybody it would be you, so…” She shrugged a shoulder, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “Who knows, maybe this was my one shot at happy and I fucked it up. Whatever, that’s on me, but don’t say that. I might have been shit at it, but I did love you.”

Jackie

Kitty began to speak and Jackie just rolled her eyes, sure more pity for her would come. She just wanted this done and over. This was too hard and it hurt too bad and she really needed a drink. Jackie listened, though she just wanted to walk away. She was compelled by the sound of Kitty’s voice, but she was definitely preparing to yell. Jackie pursed her lips, gaze finally once again landing on the blonde; this was about to be some bullshit. But then… tears. Fuck everything. She couldn’t handle Kitty’s tears. And the words kept coming: meant, loved, wanted, all passed tense, all hitting Jackie like a dagger, but still those tears.

Jackie hugged the book and blanket tightly to her body in one arm as she stepped closer. Her steps tentative and her breaths even, as she temporarily pushed the anger aside, because those tears killed her more than she could ever admit. She raised her free hand and gently wiped away a stray tear from Kitty’s cheek. With a hushed and calm voice Jackie spoke. “I love you, KitKat. I don’t know what’s up or down right now, because you broke me, but I love you and that won’t ever change, that I know for sure. I knew you’d leave. I’m pretty sure I told you you’d leave, and you told me to stop thinking like that...” She stepped away from the other averting her eyes. “I guess I should of kept thinking that instead of letting myself fall even more. You’re gonna be alright, Mary Katherine. You’re very lovable.” Tears began to fall from Jackie’s already swollen eyes. Of course Kitty was going to be fine. She was going to move on but Jackie on the other hand…  “I love you, but I really don’t know what to believe from you anymore. I don’t trust you. You broke up with me because you Loved me, but don’t anymore? You wanted it to work but don’t anymore? I meant something to you ... and I don’t anymore? That shit didn’t happen last week, Kitty! You fucking lied to me for God knows how long. You were just there watching me love you while you just wanted out. Instead of coming to me when you started to question things, so maybe we could have worked this shit out, you said nothing until it got this bad…” Jackie sniffled and shook her head angrily. “I fucking love you forever but right now I don’t like you at all…” She suddenly got figedy. She needed out of there.(edited)

Kitty

Kitty didn’t deserve compassion, not from Jackie anyway, she got that. In fact, she’d fully expected her ex to walk away before she’d even had a chance to defend herself and Kitty wouldn’t have blamed her. Were she in Jackie’s shoes, she’d definitely had done worse. A lot worse. 

 Not Jackie though. Jackie stayed all the way through her speech and wiped her tears, and still loved her even though she didn’t like her and somehow that was all so much worse. That was why she’d pushed her out, wasn’t it? Not to protect her herself but to push Jackie’s buttons. Kitty wanted Jackie to hate her -- to be petty and cruel or throw her under the bus, because that would make the whole break up thing so much easier on her. How fucked up was that? Wanting Jackie to stoop to her level so she had an out that made sense. What kind of person walked away from somebody that loved her? 

 Kitty didn’t wipe Jackie’s tears or give her shoulder a comforting squeeze instead, keeping her hands clutched in front of her. “I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know until I --” ended things, she didn’t think that needed saying. “I know that probably doesn’t make you feel any better, but it’s the truth. I think -- I don’t know -- maybe there’s too much history between us, you know? Too many old hurts we never dealt with. But I…” The next part felt harder almost, it was so fucking cliche, but maybe it was one for a reason. “I want us to be friends. Like eventually, obviously. When you… like me again or whatever.”

Jackie

Jackie honestly didn’t believe Kitty. She didn’t trust her at all. That hurt in its own way. It was all pandering that she didn’t want or need. What she did want was an exit. A quick one. “Oh, so you didn’t know you didn’t love me anymore, got it.” She rolled her eyes and shook her head. This was really pointless wasn’t it. This conversation? Why were they even doing this. They were clearly in different places emotionally and they needed to be in different places physically. Why was Kitty so lucky to be the one to fall out of love? What was it Jackie did exactly? It was clearly what she did to make everyone leave, not just Kitty… everyone. “Friends?” She didn’t even know what just friends looked like with Kitty, they’d never been that before. But in that moment it hurt too much to try to figure out. “Yeah … sure.” Jackie was done crying for the day, she hoped. She looked down at the box on the hallway floor, clutching the two items she requested in her arms, then up at the blonde. This was done, they were done, and there was no coming back from this. The finality of it brought more tears to her eyes. “Good Luck, Kitty. I’m sure you’ll find what you’re looking for.”  And with that Jacqueline said what she felt was a final farewell.

[wanderingtrash]

Unfair Affair - Part 3

A/N: Two posts in one day! Don't you just love me? 😊I’m not gonna lie I cried a little while writing this part. Also thank you all so much for your positive comments ❤ They encourage me to write more. Enjoy!

Part 1

Part 2

**

The following week Harry got no call or mesaage from (Y/N). And he couldn’t call her or message her either because Gwen was spending every dying moment of her time with him. The only time he did get to breath was when he went to his office. He had at least 15 minutes until Gwen barged in.

As he sat on the prestige white sofa in the vast living room Harry unlocked his phone. Gwen was in the other room doing some online shopping. They had an event to attend and Harry had promised to be there.

Harry clicked on the instagram app. Slowly searching (Y/N)’s username up. The screen showed her profile. She had 23k followers. No doubt because of how beautiful she was. As well as creative.

He clicked on her most recent picture. It was a picture of notebook. Where she would write. Harry had seen her write in it before. But she wouldn’t let him read it. Claiming that it was silly. But Harry really wanted to know.

Call it curiosity.

The pictures was captioned with a simple get away sentence. ‘My getaway place’

Harry found himself grinning. He was lucky for sure. But his features quickly became blank once more. The picture had been posted 3 days ago. Meaning she was well active on her phone.

Did she forget to message him?

Hearing footsteps getting closer Harry quickly exited out of instagram. He grabbed the remote and turned on the tv.

Gwen entered the living room wearing one of Harry’s tee’s. She smiled as she saw Harry sat on the sofa. “Oh hi Love” She said striding over to him. Her long legs going to either side of his lap. Harry instinctively putting his hands on her waist. Her slim figure towering him.

“Hey darling. Done shopping for the day? He joked kissing her pink lips softly.

Pressing a finger to her chin Gwen laughed. “I think so baby” She smiled leaning down and prsssing a kiss to his lips. Her hand sliding through her husband’s locks. Her heart filling with love for the man in front if her.

“How did your mum like the necklace you bought her last week?” Gwen asked unknowingly.

Harry weakly smiled at her. He hated lying to her. Of course he did. But he couldn’t tell her the truth either.

“She loved it yeah. Said she had been wanting one for a long time now” Harry responded shrugging.

“I’m glad. She’s the best” Gwen said nodding. “I love mine as well. It’s so beautiful babe” Gwen told him with excitement in her voice. From the diamond to just the though. Her heart swelled. "Can’t believe it was only $500” Gwen said. A sparkle in her eyes.

Was it because of mentioning the expensive necklace or by looking at him?

Harry didn’t know.

“Just like you” Harry proclaimed. Lifting his head up to place a kiss on her neck.

While Gwen planted kisses on his neck.

Harry looked at his phone for a second. Yes (Y/N) was hurting. He knew that. But he couldn’t love her the way she wanted.

A deceiver never wins

**

(Y/N) layed on her bed. The soft sound of Sam Smith’s 'Stay with Me’ playing. Her eyes were red and puffy from the crying she had done. The song always made her feel a certain way. Then mixing it up with her situation it just added to her pain.

And deep down I know this never works

But you can lay with me so it doesn’t hurt

Last week on her date with Ben after what she had seen on twitter. She had asked Ben to take her home. Making the excuse that she wasn’t feeling good. Being the gentleman Ben was he has instantly agreed.

He held her as he noticed her teary eyes. But he never asked why. That was the thing about Ben. He always tried to make her feek comfortable. Never wanting to put her im a position that she didn’t want to be in. That made (Y/N) feel safe.

When she had said goodbye to Ben and entered her house she broke down.

Was this just a sick game to Harry?

That night she had taken the necklace off and placed it in the velvet box from which Harry had taken it out of. She placed it up in her closet. Not even bothering to call Harry to come pick it up.

Not yet anyway.

She had refused to tell Eva anything. She also had asked Ben not to tell her anything. Hesitantly Ben agreed. He really did care for her. He knew whatever she was in tears about was upsetting to her and he blankly refused to make her even more upset.

What upset her the most was that Harry hadn’t to bother to ask her how she was. No call or text.

But then again why would he?

He had his perfect housewife to keep his bed warm and his needs fulfilled. She was just there when Mrs. Styles was gone. And Harry needed someting to entertain himself.

Harry was probably scared that she would go and blab to the media about their redezvous. So he kept her quiet by acting like he cared.

But how do you get over someone you love?

Bob Marley once said 'The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman with the intention of loving her’

Oh how right Bob Marley was.

Biting her lip (Y/N) reached for her phone. She blinked the tears away that were clouding her vision. The salty droplets running down her cheeks.

She knew. She knew that she needed to stop being so dependent on Harry. And she often found herself wondering why she couldn’t have fallen in love with a man that wasn’t married? A man that cherished her.

A man that cared.

Slowly clicking on Harry’s contact name she slowly typed. Each letter sending a feeling on anxiety and pain through her. But it needed to be done. For her own well being an conscious.

'We need to talk’

**

Harry let out a breath as Gwen rolled next to him. She immediately cuddled in his arms. Something (Y/N) would do but he would usually never hold her back.

Must be guilt.

Gwen softly kissed his chest and smiled. Oh how she loved moments like these with him. Where his CEO persona was gone.

Her Harry was present. Her husband was present.

Harry wrapped his arm around her waist and smiled. Her blue eyes looking up at him with admiration. Her blonde hair was all over the place. She had tired eyes from going at it for a while.

She bit her lip pecking his lips one last time before turning still in his arms “I love you” She said smiling weakly.

Harry’s eyes crinkled as he grinned.

“I love you too my Queen”

Yawning Gwen closed her eyes. A smile left om her face.

Harry waited a few minutes. Wanting to make sure she was completely asleep.

He had heard his phone go off while he was deep inside. Their moans filling the room so nothing mattered at the time.

After what felt like an eternity Harry was sure Gwen was asleep. He reached over grabbing his phone carefully. Making sure not to wake Gwen.

Unlocking it he had 5 notifications. 4 of them from work. 1 of them from (Y/N). Which had been sent an hour ago.

Smirking to himself he tapped her name which took him to all the messages exchanged bewteen them.

His smirk quickly feel.

'We need to talk’ The message read. Harry felt his heart drop to his stomach.

(Y/N) had never sent him a message that serious before.

Sure there were times were they fought about silly things but it would usually be resolved with him going over to (Y/N)’s house, sweet talking her, giving her small pecks on her neck and lips.

Then ending it with him fucking her on her bed. Her a moaning mess beneath him. Begging for him to go faster.

But this was different.

After not hearing from her in a week and he gets this?

Harry was afraid to find out what she wanted to talk about.

Harry was really afraid.

[ghostmartyr]

SnK 99 Thoughts

This post brought to you by liberal stealing from The Mincing Mockingbird: Guide to Troubled Birds. Because why not.

If you don’t think the ending tagline couldn’t be greatly improved by the addition of Gurren Lagann’s narrator, you are wrong.

So if this month was meant to make me think that everyone in that audience doesn’t have a gigantic destruction flag planted squarely in their midst, well, I’m clearly getting all the wrong signals.

We’ve got significant people from a bunch of major governments come to call. The higher up Marley soldiers that the people who actually run Marley don’t like are chilling. The Warrior kidlets have great seats. The parents of former Warrior kidlets have great seats. There are reporters. There’s a grand reclassification of a lie to an audience ever ready to redirect their Eldian fears and hatred. The current Warriors have been awayed from the premises. People from the East Sea Clan exit before the production even gets started. Willy is manning the stage.

All I’m saying is that if something were to go horribly wrong and a collection of mangled bodies appeared in the place of the crowd, it could be done without causing severe problems for either side of the conflict that we’ve come to know. The most significant losses would be the successor kidlets, and when it comes to the timeframe likely to be covered by the immediate plot, that’s close to irrelevant.

Except as meaningful emotional trauma for the current Warriors (plus Falco), who have ever so conveniently been removed from the audience.

The tension in this chapter points to something exploding, and I... really don’t feel comfortable pointing to any one side as the cause.

In one corner, you have Willy going to pieces over exposing a truth that his family has kept secret for a hundred years. Arguably, that’s a great reason to feel nervous. In the presence of Suspicious Happenings, it becomes one more tally.

In the adjacent corner, you’ve got a prominent member of the East Sea Clan coming to say hello to Willy before his performance. Despite the nation having the most noted interest in not being friends with Marley in the past, Miss Kiyomi is a quality of guest who is free to enter the green room at will, and implies knowing exactly what Willy is up to, and considers some combination of his behavior brave.

Then immediately leaves before his show starts.

In yet another corner, which is actually the nosebleed section of the show, Magath is expecting reports on anything unusual, and absolutely no one is calling the sudden departure of every single present Warrior unusual. Or one of the East Sea Clan peeps leaving early. Or Reiner straight-up vanishing with a Warrior candidate.

In a corner that is actually another basement, Eren is destroying what’s left of Reiner’s stability. By far the easiest corner to make sense of, but sense making is not for the early portions of this post.

Meanwhile you’ve got one faction definitely up to some immediate shady business, because you can’t really say dropping people down a hole is the act of a friend. Unless you subscribe to the Itachi Uchiha school of friendship, in which case, A+.

All that combined leaves us with a terrified circus master, and every prominent piece of plot significance being rushed away from the stage. With three of the available four Marleyan Warriors being collected in holes. The only one not in a hole is closest to Magath, as well as the brother of public enemy number one.

If something were to go wrong, the only Titans not in holes and known to be in Marley are the War Hammer and the Beast.

What gets interesting is that Eren is undeniably the party responsible for Reiner being in a hole, yet the obvious Marley counters to Eren and everything he stands for do absolutely nothing about preventing more Titans from finding themselves in holes. The page where Magath asks for reports on anything unusual, even the smallest detail, is accompanied by Willy stress drinking, and followed directly by the isolation of their Warriors.

Not a single person from Marley finds the departure of their Titans from the production worth commenting on. Pieck and Zeke both have marks of hesitance at complying with their instructions, but absolutely no one on the side they’re supposed to be signed to expresses any concern.

Even though they’re expressly looking out for anything unusual.

I like the idea of Paradis folks continuing their love affair with basements, and I think it would be neat if they’re responsible for Galliard and Pieck’s situation just because we’d get to see Our Heroes in action for the first time in ages, but... no one in the Marley chain of command finds this weird?

Their most powerful weapons get carted off on the night of a declaration of war, and it’s not worth a comment?

Blaming Marley for everything is really easy most of the time, because they’re generally up to no good. In this case, the only thing that’s stopping me is Eren’s involvement. Yeah, no one raises any alarms when Pieck, Galliard, and Zeke make their exit, but there’s also been no one casting suspicious looks at Reiner’s absent seat.

It seems like a really easy thing to claim that whatever happens next, Marley wants their A-listers carefully out of the way, but that would include Reiner. If they are involved, not knowing where Reiner is would be a major concern; you don’t drop people down holes unless the next move is going to be dramatic, and as wonderful as improv is, a lot of great drama works best if you know where your cast is.

Which introduces another fun question: Do the powers that be know where Reiner is?

The baseball mitt from last chapter at least planted the seeds of possibility for communication between Eren and Zeke. If (and the strength of that if is still in question) they have been in contact, and Zeke knows what Eren’s plans are for Reiner, in theory, Marley knows where all the major players are.

Zeke is Magath’s golden boy. He’s also Eren’s brother. He’s in the unique position of having ties that could make him privy to both sides’ tactics here.

He is also, as previously mentioned, the only one not in a hole.

I have no idea whose plan is winning out here, but the sense I get is that there is some kind of “I know you know I know you know” hustling going on, and someone is planning to take advantage of the openings that the other side’s plan leaves.

Basically, the one thing that can be said for certain is that someone is plotting a thing. Too many pieces have been moved too deliberately.

You’d think pinning the blame for a war that hasn’t started yet on a person you’ve never met would be enough for one night, but where’s the fun in that.

...I guess I’m already close enough to that to dive right in, so yeah, in the non-conspiracy theory section, Marley still continues to be horrible!

Like. Let me see if I have this right.

Diet Reiss’ production is all about revealing the true story of the island’s origins. It did not come about purely through the strengths of the Tybur family and Helos, but by the grand design of Karl Fritz.

Karl moves a whole bunch of Eldians off to Paradis and quarantines them, leaving behind a threat that is a total lie, because he’s actually sworn to peace.

He’s the true hero of Marley’s liberation, and so deeply ashamed of what his people have done that he offers up complete surrender to any of Marley’s decisions involving his people. Because his people have no inherent right to life, and he has the right to offer their lives up as part of his personal atonement--though in the meantime, if Marley could hold off a bit on killing them until he’s dead, that would be super rad.

Essentially, continuing the theme of bad parenting, we enter the names of the fathers of modern society, because wow were you all about grand gestures that don’t mean a damn thing and screwing over lots of people because it was easier than fixing the base problems.

Following that, though Willy leaves that part of the story out, Marley proceeds to tarnish the good name of the one Eldian King who helped them for the next century. While reminding all the good little Eldian children that the island is pure evil, and they should do their very best to not be like that.

Yeah, the shocked looks on the kidlets’ faces are depressing.

And of course, the reason Willy is explaining that they’ve spent a hundred years lying about the island is because, hey, the island may have started out a totally chill utopia, but in recent years, the ~*evil*~ Eren Yeager has stolen the power keeping it that way, and now the island’s back to being a real threat that we’ve absolutely gotta do something about!

So enters the latest chapter in Marley being terrible.

This makes my head hurt.

“Surprise, King Fritz was the good guy all along, and we were lying about how dangerous the island was!

Except now we’re not lying and it’s back to being dangerous.

Burn the witch.”

It’s like the boy who cried wolf, only the boy is also a wolf, so are the poor sheep, and really, however it plays out, any peasants unfortunate enough to listen to the boy wolf’s warning are going to get eaten alive. As are the wolves standing on the wrong side of the property line.

The point is, I hope this story ends with Willy being disemboweled.

In other news, Annie’s dad qualifies as one of the better parents we’ve seen solely because he actually cares about his daughter being alive.

Seriously, Reiner’s mother is terrible. She’s so pleased for Bertolt’s father, dying with all of the comforts Marley has to offer because his son dies a noble death as a teenager, and tries to extend that compliment to Annie.

Lady, as far as you know, you’re talking about dead children that your own selfishness condemned. Your son is a basket case thanks to trying to make your life better while you were too much of a coward to do something about it yourself.

(It is more complicated than that. I am not in the mood to care.)

Just... what the heck. A parent caring about their child living should not be noteworthy. The fact that Mr. Leonhart’s honorary status means less to him than his child should be a normal thing, and it isn’t.

If it wouldn’t permanently break Reiner (save that for the things that actually are his fault), I’d be in favor of Karina being disemboweled as well. She’s the only one who’s gained anything out of Reiner’s mission, and she’s happy to take advantage of the spoils even though it’s ruined her kid.

Though to be fair, it’s entirely possible that she hasn’t paid Reiner enough attention to notice that.

Speaking of Reiner!

I do like the opening flashback, bringing the old man up again.

Annie and Bertolt can’t help but dwell on some of the unpleasantness they’ve seen and caused, but Reiner avoids thinking too deeply about it until it slams into him like the Armored Titan slams into walls.

Today, playing the role of the Armored Titan, we have Eren!

Playing the role of walls, the much acclaimed, ever loved, sanity of Reiner!

Yeah, that’ll go well.

Eren’s done his homework. He’s already injured, so restraints won’t stop him from transforming if he needs to, and the massive destruction that a transformation from either one will cause means that he can get his point across without violence getting in the way. If they fight properly, people will die, so play nice.

(For the record, unless he’s fallen off the deep end worse than anticipated, I don’t think he ever intends to harm the people he’s effectively taken hostage. Eren’s always cared about life. Removing that during a timeskip is cheating of the highest magnitude. More to the point, though, Eren’s chosen a threat that requires absolutely no follow through to be effective. Reiner cares about life, too. It’s pure psychological torment, but the only one hurt by it did sort of kill his mother and thousands of other people.)

Reiner’s expressions this chapter are a gift. He’s terrified out of his wits, confronted by a ghost whose memory put a gun in his mouth, and no part of that strain gets kid gloves.

My favorite part, though--well, if I’m honest, there are several favorite parts to this show.

The first one is Reiner’s response when Eren tells him that he’s here to do the same thing that Reiner did.

There’s a lot to be said about how Reiner deals with being a fundamentally moral person who has done a long string of terrible things.

The summary is, “Not well,” but this whole sequence is such a dang microcosm of why Reiner’s head ends up snapping.

He serves Marley. He does his best for them. He protects his home, his family, his comrades. It’s his duty, and everything outside of that isn’t something he needs to think about. He puts it best when he transforms on top of the wall. He doesn’t know what’s wrong or right, but he’s going to see his mission through to the end.

Except Reiner likes to hide his own moral complexities from himself.

He’ll go along with whatever Marley’s plan is. With distinction, even.

But the second Eren says that he’s going to do what Reiner did, there’s only one response. He’s shaky, scared, and horrified. Because what he did to Eren’s people is an abomination. Reiner can’t even grasp why someone would want to do something like what he did.

Eren understands Reiner’s choices better than he does.

He is not gentle about it, and he’s not kind, but Eren gets what Reiner’s lost in the storm of his own conscience.

“You guys were trying to save the world.”

I think somewhere in the last four years, Reiner forgot that he meant that justification. The things he’s done have practically destroyed him. There isn’t any apology or action that can make up for it. He’ll stick to his mission, because he’s a Warrior, but outside of that frame of reference, there is no escaping the horrors or guilt.

(So work really hard at sticking to that mindset.)

But when he first joins the military on Paradis, he states his intentions clearly.

He’s here to save humanity.

Whatever he’s done, and whatever will come after, he means that.

It just so happens that what comes after is so horrible that I don’t think he can bear to connect what he’s done with anything like good intentions.

Eren still can.

He spends the whole chapter sending Reiner to a place that he would very much kill himself to get out of, and he’s still the one who looks at Reiner, and the awful, horrible things Reiner has done to his life, and say that it was born of good intentions.

Reiner hasn’t had the luxury of that kind of understanding. Ever. He can’t get it from himself, because his heart or mind would break at even having the conversation. He’s not going to get it from his friends, because one’s dead and the other mostly hated him before he left her behind. All that he has is memories he can’t share, and guilt that no one around him could even begin to understand.

And Eren might not be okay with any of it, but he sees the one kernel of good that is torturing Reiner, and he acknowledges it. They’re both between a rock and a hard place, and they’re trying to save the world.

It’s a more generous description of what Reiner’s done than he would ever be able to offer himself, even believing it, and for a second, I think the fact that Eren sees that gives him a sliver of hope.

He can’t keep it, because Reiner is damaged beyond belief, but for those few moments, he has someone who understands the best of him.

Best ship or best ship?

Naturally, they’re both still on opposing sides, Eren has just been announced as the world’s Worst, and Falco is watching this all quietly screaming, but hey, something went sort of okay and people aren’t yet dead.

Tune in next month to see that changing.

Oh, wait, I don’t think I did proper justice to Falco’s experience.

There we go.