#whatever!!!! ugh im gonna go work out
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man the waiting times to get an adhd diagnosis thru the nhs are so long theyre still refusing to even give me an estimate of how long itll be before I can get assessed even tho my referral went thru months ago. but going private is so stupidly expensive like its not just the diagnosis but also med titration + then some gps wont even accept a private diagnosis to let u transfer back into the nhs system for prescriptions afterwards. fuck my stupid baka life + this entire country
#was on the adhd reddit + there was a discussion of uk private diagnosis costs + the whole thing can be like £2-3k like lmfao#i for one cannot fucking afford that. goodbye#how am i meant to live like this another month let alone for the minimum six month diagnosis wait jfc#ive been doing a ton of reading to try and find other ways to cope but so much of it is complete bullshit/ppl exploiting neurodivergence#and everyone i talk to who actually has adhd is like well the only thing that helped me is meds!! so im just kinda fucked for now i guess#plus theres a med shortage in the uk currently too its not just the us 🙃#try not to kys hard edition#whatever man. it is what it is#idek if it is adhd. imagine if i waited all that time and failed the assessment id walk out of there straight off the nearest bridge#whatever!!!! ugh im gonna go work out#.vent
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yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out
#zymart#zymtalk#rant in the tags ->#okay listen to me this is really important and also i have a witness. this was not intentionally supposed to be posted on june 1st#the stars just aligned for this to be at its funniest. which means its also easier for me to dismiss LOL#i drew this like a week ago after trying to draw a whole like. 5 page comic about it and then stopping it mid-board#bc it was horrifying imagining being perceived that much. so i needed to make it into a joke instead and this was the funniest route#and then i was like 'UGH. UGH!!!! i can not be 20 and deal with this like im 13. if i dont post it by the end of the week#then [the witness to all my rants on this topic. shoutout to twig bc they got the most of it] can joke abt it as if i did anyway'#and now its the end of the week and i looked at the date and went 'oh my god didnt may just start what happened'#'WAIT ITS JUNE FIRST. GOD. THATS TOO FUNNY TO NOT SAY SOMETHING' and who am i if i dont prioritize the bit honestly#in all honesty. kinda hate it! not bc of internalized homophobia but actually bc of internalized arophobia that has somehow been emphasized#after having my brain shift from '1000% aromantic without a doubt no exceptions' to 'just arospec ig lol??'#but tragically as it turns out. you can not just try and self analyze yourself into speedrunning closure.#horrible news for the oscar zymstarz community frankly#SO i needed a way 2 justify shoving this off my plate and into the trash as fast as possible.#im impatient and cant acknowledge my own emotions. its a flaw im working on it#oh and for all the ppl who know the running gag abt 'my allegations' [i do not have any real allegations for anyone not in jems server]:#that was in fact just a running gag for like well over a year and a half. like that was just a long running bit COMPLETELY unrelated to thi#i only started having this weird sexuality shift or whatever not too long ago lol. like long enough to go through 4 of the 5 stages of grie#[evidently bc like. im posting this. i got close enough to 5 to throw in the towel ykwim]#but on 'oscar zymstarz emotional acknowledgement' time that is....... not long.#but yeah ig tldr like. still ace [thank god] just arospec [probably demiro? i hate trying to figure out my own labels] instead of Aro now#idk none of this is that deep but also like it kinda is unfortunately bc i have to actually talk abt it to be able to ignore it ykwim#but i did! we're done talking abt it now! and now i can act like i dont care and try to make jokes about it to speedrun the rest of it#anyway. Happy Pride everyone. Fukign kitty.#side message to jem. by no means does this mean im not still gonna bully you. its a sign of love but also it is you specific bullying 🫶#you are not safe#edit: this is karma for saying 'thank god'. might be demiace too. this is the worst month of my life /j
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#oh lads. its not looking good for my genomics exam on Thursday. its all fucked#i dunno. its just been a weird day. bc one of my lab mates is getting ready to go to the astr0biology science conference#and its just so wild how i got here. into the perfect position. i have a great advisor. a great phd project. a committee member who is super#integrated with n4sa astr0biology projects. and so many of the instructors are amazing. my genomics prof is terrifyingly smart#so is my advisor and his wife. and the program is great. ecology and Evolution. its perfect. its all perfect#and yet. and yet. it just feels like its all falling apart. ive lost that compulsive thing thats always set in my chest#and now all i want to do is lay on the floor and cry and sleep and not do anything. why am i so tired?#its just so frustrating. and im sure ive got the most wretched vibes bc im constantly like 1 comment away from bursting into tears#like 2 weeks and its done. then im off to find a summer job. and find a long term job. and consider throwing away everything ive ever worked#toward. just let it all burn. im so tired. and i dont get to see my therapist until Monday. thats gonna b fun#hi. hello. since last i saw you my life has crumbled into pieces. ugh. i just dont wanna fail this genomics exam but it looks like that's#where we're headed. maybe i should have just dipped out of these last 3 weeks. but no. i didnt want to leave the lady i ta for 100 lab#reports to unexpectedly have to grade 4 days before grades are due. ugh. itll b fine. i mean it wont but whatever#unrelated
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money 😭 like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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me when i
#hhhhhhh#anxious anxious anxious#i feel like my hearts gonna beat out of my chest#& im anxious abt dumb ahit too#like how is this worth it 😭#whatever ig thats how anxiety works but ugh#so now im just hella anxious & so frustrated with myself for feeling like this#i just want to go back to bed but its gonna be so long till i can#im so tired 😞#cutievents
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erm. well im going to talk about my dream in the tags i guess
#my dream kinda sucked shit i was in like some dorm and i dont really remember what happened before all the bad stuff other than like.#weird highway....... but um there was this girl in the dorm or something and she wanted to i think hang out with me at first#i dont think it was initially like oh we're gonna have sex or whatever. and she took me to some weird place and immediately#i was trying to say this place is weird i feel uncomfortable being here because it was like through this like i guess abandoned highway#area and had trash and towards this forested part and she was like ugh why does everyone i bring here say that -_- and there was some#other girl also there. but once we got closer it was also sort of like. a ravine it was sort of cool. and then some stuff happened#and i was like ok with having sex like she wanted to but like i said stuff happened in the dream we couldnt get around to it#i had fallen asleep at one point and then woke up. and she was like damn. well we can still do it before you have to go there's#plenty of time and i was like oh... okay... but then i look at the time and it's like 4 and im like fuck im already late for work and#so i have to run off. she's disappointed. im heading to work there's also some apartment..??? idk im suddenly at the mall which isnt where#my work is but whatever. anyways im like i gotta lock this apartment which is at the mall and hten i head to where my job is#and apparently she is like trying to fucking stalk me and shit and i was talking to one of my managers and she's there and i just#i dont know i eventually wake up and that just sort of really sucked
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coworker (derogatory)
#she just fucking. IRKS me#so we have the same job. same authority level. yet she acts like shes a lead#which would be fine im ok with others taking charge#IF THEY DO IT RIGHT#shes SO FUCKING BAD AT IT??#AND. we have senority!!#yes she is older than us physically but we have worked here for months longer!!!#if anyone is in charge (WHICH SHOULD BE THE LEAD) would it not be the guy who worked there longest???#uggghhhh#she came in late today then was like um youre doing potties wrong youre only supposed to fill half and leave the other stalls for ne#girl then be on time#im not waiting for u im not making the dogs wait for u#so she starts bringing my dogs back (against the rules) (we literally had a meeting last night)#im done arguing. just. fine. whatever. she better have charted or else thatll look bad on me since i brought the dogs out#confronts me later. make sure you fill the potty waters. i say i do. she says yeah but not enough#gestures to a bowl she has filled that is 1) smaller than the bowls in potties 2) TOO FULL#we're not supposed to fill them past halfway so they dont spill#and theyre in the potties for like. 15 minutes. even if they finish their water. im fairly sure its not that inhumane for them to#wait a few more minutes before they go back to their room#THEN. she goes to do feeding. someone is in a meeting where the ipads are (needed to track feeding)#only ipad out is for the front. the front also needs an ipad. so i am instructed to wait#few min later. she comes with an ipad. is the meeting over? no i took it from the front#GIRL.#and she always complains about being in group too much#bestie 90% of the job is group#if you get a day shift youre gonna spend it in group#chill#just. ugh#chaos chitters
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when you literally live in a world that wasnt made for you 😆🔫
#dont think im gonna get into grad school. dont know what the fuck else im going to do.#i dont want to fucking work i want to research. probably wouldnt even be able to find a job in my desired fields so what would i even be#fucking doing. and at that point how would i get there. bc i dont drive. and i dont want to fucking drive. i cant#it feels like im having a panic attack when i try. so gotta find a driving school. what if it doesnt work. what if it does. im driving to#work i dont wanna do. my friends are spread out and working and dont have any time to call. since i dont drive i dont get out of the house#except to grocery shop with my mom on weekends. i dont have anything productive to do but i cant even relax properly bc i feel like im in a#panopticon with my parents and i need to at least LOOK busy while i live in their house. so im just doing nothing all day but i want to#but i CANT!!!! and i cant even broach the subject of therapy or meds which i really think i need because like. my parents just dont fucking#believe in it or whatever. like ive really essentially told my dad i think i could be autistic and he hasnt been like oh should we find#help or anything hes just been like ok cool that surely has no repurcussions on your life#even as it was part of the fucking conversation why i dont want to drive#its just. its whatever. i feel so stuck but i dont want to move forward because moving forward just means going into a world where i have tl#work a job i probably hate and make hardly enough money to live in a shitty apartment because the economy and society are fucked#trying to experience the Wonders but i cant escape the Horrors. what the fuck ever ugh
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I'm so fucking tired of ppl assuming I'm a teenage boy I'm not that young and I'm not a guy and it's funny when it happens occasionally and I'm in an amiable mood and idm being a little gnc ik I present somewhat masc even if its not rly intentional and ik my autistic/adhd mannerisms make me come across a little childish sometimes even if im constantly masking at work or in public and I can't control how other ppl perceive me and ik its natural for the human brain to make social assumptions all the time bc there's so much information going in and out it has to process so it automatically categorises shit so I don't mind it happening OCCASIONALLY but I've been getting so fucking many unnecessary comments lately and not just from strangers but ppl I know too and if one more person says some offhand shit to me I'm going to black out and bite until there's blood leave me the fuck ALONE
#got home and im so so so angry its not even that big a deal i dont even get annoyed when it happens every now and then#but these last few weeks ive had a fucking deluge of weird comments abt my age and my gender i dont fucking know why its happening more#and ive had enough im abt to snap. its been on the back of my mind as a vague irritation but it just keeps fucking building#so much stupid shit i cant even list it all here and its not just ppl mistaking me but sometimes going out of their way to be rude#and the fucking misogynistic shit ppl keep saying to me too especially at work please fuck off forever and die#i dont wanna get into it bc ill just get more pissed off im just gonna go cry in the shower and then ill be fine after#probably just feeling it more today bc i didnt take my afternoon meds anyway. altho this isnt the only time its upset me so.#ugh whatever..... its out of my control. and im not gonna go out of my way to try and conform more easily to other ppls ideas of me#bc im comfortable in myself and my body and with how i present so im not going to change that. just tired of dealing with assholes#and im tired of constant misunderstandings its much more than this superficial assumptions abt appearances like ppl who know me keep#making wrong assumptions or miscommunicating or just general poor judgement and that bothers me way more but its much harder to express#so im just getting more angry at the superficial shit as a proxy for it. ugh!!!!#well anyway. hopefully theres enough hot water left for me i want a scalding shower#grinds my teeth so loudly#.diaries#.vent
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#GAH hate not knowing how ppl feel about me#bc i used to be SUPER close friends w this person like they were ~25% of th reason i came back to my uni town after moving away last summer#and i keep texting them like ' hey we should meet up sometime! ' and they respond ' omg YES 100% i have SO much i need to catch you up on !#unfortunately i am out of town every single day. also so busy. '#and like yeah okay college very busy life very crazy. but how are you out of town every single day and also why have you NEVER reached out#and i saw them in person at target and they seemed genuinely pleased to see me! and also said something like#' we gotta hang out i have so much to tell you!! *ill* message *you* ' in a way that seemed to convey guilt at ^^ all that#but then how in the WORLD do you happen to be driving out of town immediately after the one event i know we'll both be going to???#and also casually gracing over the fact i also mentioned getting dinner beforehand??#also i dont know any reason they wouldnt like me unless its one of those ' im autistic and didnt notice you getting fed up w me '#or if theyre just actually that busy or too anxious to see people or anxious to reach out or fucking whatever#and like even when i saw them at target they told me a bunch of stuff that i dont tthink youd say to a random acquaintance#which if they do still like me makes sense! bc we were super duper close once! but doesnt make sense if they dislike me/want me to go away#like UGH just either ask me to hang out or say yes to a hang out or tell me to fuck off already!!!!#oh and ALSO the one time we DID have plans we didnt set an exact time but they texted me at like 11 and said ok we can hang out now until 2#or they texted me at 11 and said ' i work at 2 but i dont think thats gonna be a problem also are you okay w hanging w my roomies too '#and i know their roomies so thats fine but i was like ??? WHAT shouldnt be an issue? r you gonna call off to hang out for more than 3 hrs?#or are you gonna friend break up w me so it wont take 3 hours#anyway i was like uhhh shit we didnt set a time so im actually at a tattoo place like an hour away w my roomie?#so we rescheduled for the next day when uh oh they hung out w someone who was exposed to covid so had to cancel again!#i cant think of a single reason they wouldnt like me except that they never did but we had an activity together so they were stuck w me#and they seemed genuinely happy to see me and also seem upset declining plans but like if thats true what the FUCK is happening????#anyway this was a mile long if you e read this far i love u if you have tips feel free to reply or dm me
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if i graduate its over for you motherfuckers
#if i graduate that means ill have more time to write whatever i want#like yeah writing about some ocs is fun but i would also like to write something else#if ya kno wat im sayin#ive also gotten really into splatoon but not like lore wise#im into splatoon the way dudebros are into every fps#lets see what else#i wanna draw but my mom is next to me and drawing in front of her idk me da vergüenza#ugh can it be tomorrow already i wanna smoke some zaza#im boreeed#.-.#i havent played nss in a while but im still burnt out on it#i havent played anyother game besides taiko and splatoon actually#honestly i dont know what to do after i finish school like i was thinking of going to a temp agency and finding an office job#the dream is to work for a game company but thats just a dream and i gave up on my dreams a long time ago#its funny bc my profs would talk about the publishing world n selling their stories and im like#lol im not gonna be writing books im only in the program cuz 1. i didnt do the remedial math class bc that shit costed money and#b. i wouldve been miserable in anyother program so#if you made it this far in my tag ramble congrats#you found him: 🐀
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#im pretty sure im having a mild allergic reaction to my tatto0 :-[#its so itchy. like im sure itchiness is normal on some level but i dont think after a week it should b raised and so itchy its hard to slee#it only started to get bad yesterday and i mean im not covered in hives and its not fucked up and red but its not fun#im guessing its a metal allergy? but i got a black tatto0 years ago and thats fine. i guess its whatevers in the blue#so now my whole upper right arm and shoulder r so so itchy. its also possible this is bc i put expired aquaphor on it#but the itching started 1st and all i had was the aquaphor so idk maybe i made it worse or maybe it did nothing#and now ive gotta go to the psychiatrist tomorrow and shes gonna b like: have u broken out in a rash or anything? and ill b like well no#but im extremely itchy for probably unrelated reasons#or maybe this is caused by the lamicta1 and the tattoo didnt cause it. god dammit if she makes me stop taking it ill b sad. i want it to#work :-( ugh#or it could b infected? but each ring is separate so it would b weird if all of them go infected simultaneously#i want it to go away so i dont have to worry abt it tomorrow 😩#unrelated#lab mate: when r u gonna leave today? me considering how long i cab stand it before i have to go home and take my shirt off: uhh idk
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I think i should like. Talk to my therapist about taking a gap year bc i feel like i need a proper rest that wont be related to anything i wanna do in long term and just Chill but at the same time idk how to. Rest. Like it is legit something im bad at i cant fucking rest more than a week and i feel like i need more than a week to fucking unmentally ill myself or some shit. I dont fucking know man
#cecil.txt#I know im experiencing some sort of burn out? Or whatever the fuck it is#Idk it feels. Too luxurious to take a gap year even tho i know i will probably at least find a part time job for it#Idek#Yesterday while talking to my therapist i realised how i didnt wanna do anything at all#So idk if it is healthy to push myself to find a paid phd program or a job next year right after graduation#Esp since i can like. Afford to take a gap year. My mom is more than okay with me staying with her during that time but i fucking hate the#Idea of moving back in. I love my mom but my hometown is boring af#Working in istanbul would be great as a gap year but holy shit. The fucking economy. Idek man it doesnt sound uuhh hashtag relaxing to me#Idk#I fucking wish the jobs/internships i have applied so far would work out. I either keep getting rejected or ghosted#Yesterday i got rejected by a job i didnt even fucking want and i KNOW im fucking overqualified for it most likely. I fucking hate this#It was a fucking mobile dating sim writing. I have a degree in literature and i have done narrative design for fucks sake and worked in a#Game project with a way more complicated mechanic than a fucking lame dating sim#Got rejected bc 'they are looking for a more specific cv'#All my writings feel too niche or specific for me to get an entry level job and i fucking hate the idea of writing for a lame game to begin#With#And if i wanna get away with my weird af design ideas phd is the best way to go but. Im so tired of academia. But im also fucking terrified#Of getting a job. Ugh#There is this internship that would be PERFECT for me that im qualified for but ffs they ghosted me. Im gonna fucking go insane#Anyways#Negativity#Or whatever yall use to filter these bs
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i literally likw felt sick hust now bc i thought abt gay people and ive just realized as i was about to hit post that this sounds homophobic. it was pure envy unfortunately
#i need to have a gay moment or im going to die in real life. guys its so hard#mfw i never leave the house and im extremely closed off and distant from people and i never talk to anybody and im a shutin: When will i#meet my love.#ITS NOT GONNA HAPPENNN MY LOVE WILL NOT MATERIALIZE INSIDE MY STUPID GARAGE. PUNCHES THE WALL#also you may think connor youre not closed off you literally yap constantly about every single thought in your head. Yes. but thats to you#guys as a whole so it doesnt count#one on one conversations im so scared im like acat hiding under a bed. genuinely shaking crying#BUT I DONT NOT LIKE ONE ON ONE CONVERSATIONS I MISS THEM BADLY. i used to talk to online friends Everyday. and ugh. obvioisly.#i just like. idk. i wanna make friends but i feel like im so bad at being a person that its wah too much work to befriend me#i dont mean that selfdeprecatingly i mean like. i need the other person to make the first moves always which sucks bc thats a bad thing to#expect of someone but if i ever made the first moves i. well i just couldnt my brain would shut down its a whole thing. connor doesnt speak#unless spoken to etc. and again ik i yap on here#but thats bc this is like my diary. dms or discord or whatever Is a conversation.......sigh#but ya. and with time i think id warm up and be able to initiate congersation and reciprocate properly but thats a long time to make someone#wait. bc i also when ppl do reach out i like. im like . like w my old coworkers we were i think friends but i was like Im the only one who#thinks that they dont actually like Me so whenever they talked id be like Theyre just doing tjis to be nice or out of pity#which is a rude thought to have abt someone inknow but its like. idk .. im nonsensical#but it takes me a while to like. actually understand somebody is trying to be friends bc im obtuse as fuck#and im like Well theyre saying hello to me and amiling whenever rhey see me just to be nice or possibly bc they hate me <- stupid guy on 🌎
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i hate work sm
#🧿#sticking it through bc they wanna train me for creative director which would look amazing on my resume but HOLY FUCK its gonna be hard not#to just wuit bc of all the bs#owner has us watching her kids for free just threw them into our camp… we planned projects & prepped enough materials for only the number#of kids who signed up & paid for camp…. now we got 3 extra kids to throw shit together for#plus these kids r the worst behaved out of everyone i would be so embarrassed if those were my kids imo they should even be held to higher#standard but whatever 🙄#had to work 1OO hrs in two weeks bc our president got injured & i had to cover and get the ENTIRE camp prepared on my own and watch#2O kids on my own the first week w one supporting instructor AND I GOT NOTHING FOR IT#they kept dodging me asking for overtime and its clear why ugh#idk where to go theres nothing like this business in the area & tbh i dont wanna go to a standard k-12 art ed position fuck this shit#im making more than a first year teacher in p much every district in this state so now the plan is to just save up to move out of state n#be closer to phallo surgeons & family#this place depresses me but honestly theres so much potential for a studio here if they could hire decent staff ughhhhh
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Me when they half my lithium and double my Prozac
#and put me on baby benedryl#how the hell is the HATMAN gonna plow my ass if I am only on like 10mg#ffs SPONGR IM A MAN#A BIG BIG MAN#I’ve made this post before you don’t have to tell me#back when my mom first got diagnosed they put my ass on hydroxy whatever it is#and now here I am once again feeling lost but now and then#I breathe it in to let it go#blah blah blah more victorious song lyrics#ugh yall I am so tired of being apeshit all the time#I wake up my chest is heavy and I can’t get up#I go thru my day barely being able to control myself from going apeshit#and ******* the ever loving shit out of myself#and then I go to bed or go to work and it just starts all over again#I’m still functioning but barely#eating is hard mirrors are hard#I honestly need to be hospitalized but I guess we’ll wait and see
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