#and ******* the ever loving shit out of myself

[novelconcepts]

You’re going to die unfinished.

You can’t help that. Just how it works. You’ll always have something you meant to say, or do, or make. Somewhere you wanted to visit. Something you wanted to try. You’re going to die with books unread, countries unseen, foods untasted. The world’s too big for this not to be true.

You’re going to die unfinished. The trick is to die happy anyway. To drink in everything you have space for while you’re here. Churn out all the art you have stomach for while your heart still beats. Kiss your loved ones, hug your pets, walk as many roads as your shoes can manage before they fall apart.

You’re going to die unfinished. Write the story so you don’t die unsatisfied. Write it so you die full, if not ever complete.

[cotgar2]

Since today’s my birthday, thought I’d get two birds with one stone and give myself more Halloween themed drawings featuring these two idiots

[shima-draws]

So,, I’m watching a playthrough of Danganronpa,,

[kindahoping4forever]

Encore // Ashton Irwin

You know the drill by now: I got inspired (this time by Stage!Ash's return last week), thought I'd write a quick and simple lil pwp and then both my life and my writing style conspired to make it neither quick nor simple. 😅 It's a week later and about twice the length than I meant for it to be but I like it quite a bit and I hope you do too! As always, @cal-puddies deserves a medal for endlessly encouraging me and helping me figure things out in worlds both imagined and real.

Warnings: Sickeningly Cute New Boyfriend!Ash, Stage!Ash, brief allusion to the pandemic (for setting purposes), sex in a public place, first time unprotected sex in an established relationship.

Word Count: 4050

Encore: A Stage!Ash Series Masterlist

Masterlist // Ko-Fi linked above

Reblogs and feedback are greatly appreciated!

A loud whistle greets you as soon as you swing open the door of your Uber; you look up to see your boyfriend approaching the car, grinning widely. Chuckling, you thank your driver and step onto the curb.

You tease, “And how did you know that was me and not some random car you were flirting with?”

Ashton’s arms are around your waist as soon as you’re within reach. “Honestly hurt that you don’t trust our bond enough to believe I could just feel that you were near,” he giggles.

“Or you walked outside two minutes after I literally said ‘two minutes away’,” you smirk, draping your arms around his neck.

“You’re no fun,” he playfully grumbles under his breath as he presses his lips to yours, officially welcoming you with a sweet kiss. "I'm so glad you're here."

"I left right after work but it took forever, traffic was pretty brutal once we hit downtown."

He squeezes you a bit tighter. “No, I mean… I’m glad you’re here, with me, at the show,” he gestures to the venue up the street. “I’m stoked for you to see it, I think you’re really gonna dig it, all the acts are sounding fucking amazing.”

You smile, playing with the chain of the gold medallion around his neck. “I’m sure they’re all great but I’m mainly excited to see my favorite musician play for the first time tonight.”

“Ooh, say it again but slower,” he flirts with a gleeful giggle as he pulls you into another kiss, this one friskier than the last, the scruff on his face deliciously scratching against your skin.

It’s hard to believe this day is finally here. You and Ash met through friends a few months ago, just as the city started opening back up. You bonded over your love of music and while you’ve watched him rehearse in his basement before, this is the first opportunity you’ve had to see him actually perform and you couldn’t be more thrilled. You know how important his work is to him and you can sense how much it means for him to finally be able to share this part of his life with you.

Ashton’s talking a mile a minute as he leads you through the theatre’s back entrance, bouncing back and forth between hyping up how good soundcheck was and gushing over how much he likes this venue. His enthusiasm is contagious and you feel it spreading through you; by the time you reach the dressing room, you’re smiling from ear to ear as his passionate ramblings wind down and he starts introducing you to everyone.

The energy in the room is buzzing as you all sit on the couch and chat for a bit and you find yourself having to reach over to still Ash’s bouncing knee every so often, his sheepish smile silently thanking you each time. As the others start to file out to go watch the first set, you turn to your boyfriend and half jokingly ask, “Is this all from the two coffees you’ve had since I’ve been here or are you maybe a little bit nervous?”

He chuckles and takes your hand, squeezing it as he responds, “Why would I be nervous?”

You give him an understanding look. “I mean… first time on stage in 18 months and it’s without your boys,” you nudge him fondly. “New band, small room. These are things that would typically make people nervous.”

He shrugs. “Nahhhh, being on stage again is what I’ve been dreaming of for 18 months. And it’s even better than anything I imagined because now you get to be here with me,” he beams, kissing your knuckles.

The two of you take in the show from the side of the stage for a bit before Ash convinces you to follow him down into the crowd to watch, insisting it’ll be a better experience. The darkness of the venue and the face masks you’re wearing provide enough disguise that no one bothers him as you move through the throng of people and when he finds a spot off in a corner, he pulls you in, wrapping his arms around you and starts swaying you both to the music. He appreciates the momentary anonymity, letting his hands wander as he holds you, his fingers first dipping under your shirt to dance over your belly before ghosting along your thighs as he plays with the hem of your skirt.

You smirk to yourself as you feel his touch getting bolder, sneaking further under the material, his calloused fingers drawing designs on your inner thighs. “Now why’re you trying to start something you can’t finish?” You coyly ask, wiggling your ass against him.

Ashton leans in to your ear and mischievously answers, “I think we both know I’ve never had a problem finishing you off.”

You feel your face warm under your mask. “You know what I mean,” you giggle, turning around to poke at him. “You should be focusing on the show you’re about to do.”

“Hard to focus on anything else when I’ve got you in my arms,” he smoothly replies, wrapping himself around you again. “You coming back to mine after the show?”

“I haven’t even seen you play yet and you’re already assuming I’ll be your groupie? Better be one hell of a performance, Irwin.”

“Nothin’ compared to the one I’ll give you later,” he winks.

Your flirting is cut short as the house lights come up, signaling a brief intermission and Ash’s cue to get backstage. With the crowd dispersed for the break, he briefly tugs down your masks to sneak a kiss goodbye; you wish him luck and give his ass a quick squeeze as he turns to leave. You take advantage of the thinned crowd and move up closer to the stage, securing yourself a spot with a clear sightline for the drums.

A short while later, you feel your heart jump in your chest as the lights go back down and Ashton takes his place behind the kit. You know it's silly to think he can spot you in the dark sea of faces but you swear you see him grin in your direction as he settles in. With a twirl of his drumstick, the band's short set begins and you find yourself unsurprisingly dazzled by his talent. He's not only undoubtedly skilled on a technical level but the way he feels every beat, the way he loses himself in the music and lets it flow through him is truly a sight to behold. His body serves as an instrument almost more than his actual kit does and the passion and strength he’s exuding is very, very captivating to you.

You’re so enraptured watching him, the show flies by and you’re shocked when you realize the band is already taking their final bows. It takes you a few minutes to fight the tide of the exiting crowd but when you get backstage, you’re met with the sight of your shirtless boyfriend glistening with sweat, toweling himself off. You feel your brain scramble but somehow manage to make your way through the room, greeting and congratulating those you pass until you reach him.

Ash hears your voice as you approach and a 1000-watt grin paints his face as he excitedly turns and asks, “So what’d you think?”

You can’t contain yourself, throwing your arms around his neck, answering with a passionate kiss. “You’re amazing,” you sigh, brushing some stray sweat-soaked curls off his forehead.

The smile he offers you is sweet but there’s fire in his eyes as he cradles your face to bring you in again. “Glad you enjoyed the show,” he rasps against your lips. “Wanna get out of here?”

He giggles at your enthusiastic nod as he throws on the polka-dotted button down he arrived in and starts gathering his things; you try to keep a straight face when he turns down an invitation to celebrate the show at a nearby club, citing a morning studio session he needs to rest up for.

“Definitely be in bed early, can’t promise you’ll be resting much though,” you mutter nonchalantly. He both cackles and shushes you in response as he pulls on his backpack and waves goodbye to everyone.

You’ve only made it a few feet out the door before he has you up against the wall, the feel of the cool building on your skin giving you chills, contrasting his mouth leaving a trail of hot, sloppy kisses along your neck. You tangle your fingers in his still damp hair, letting him briefly satisfy his hunger for you before you gently push him back and towards the crosswalk at the end of the block.

You make giggly, excited conversation while you walk down the street but when you snuggle into him while you wait to cross, the friskiness returns when he can’t help but plant his hand firmly on your ass while your hand snakes inside his barely buttoned shirt to rub over his chest. You finally make it to the parking lot across the street and as he presses you into the side of his Porsche to devour your lips once more, you’re beginning to wonder how you’re going to make it across town without spontaneously combusting.

Ashton is clearly thinking along the same lines as he taps the door behind you. “You wanna drive? I’m so hyped from the show and to get you home, ‘fraid I might run us off the road.”

“You just want to be free to search yourself on Twitter to see what people are saying about the gig,” you tease, allowing him to help you slide into the driver’s seat. He snorts, shutting the door, his quiet laughter building as he walks around to the other side; he climbs inside and presents his phone to you, showing he already has several glowing reviews bookmarked. You chuckle, reaching for your own phone and admitting, “Honestly, I checked your Instagram tags while I was waiting to get backstage.”

He squeezes your knee as you forward him a few links and you look up to see him watching you intently. “Thank you for coming tonight,” he says softly. “I’m really happy I got to experience this with you.”

You gaze at him adoringly, caressing his bearded cheek. “I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else in the world tonight, Ash,” you respond sincerely. He nuzzles his face against the palm of your hand and you think there’s a fair chance you might actually have giant hearts for eyes. “And you deserve everything those tweets were saying, too. You really were… are… something else.”

He beams at you for a beat before leaning in to meet you in a kiss that starts slow, sweet and joyous, the two of you smiling through it, but it inevitably deepens and along with it, the emotions involved. You can’t ignore how good he tastes, the contented hums that catch in his throat, the heat you feel radiating from his skin; you get as close as you can but it’s simply not close enough and without giving it a second thought, you start climbing over the center console to straddle him.

You curse under your breath, bracing yourself on his shoulders as you make the switch. Ash pulls away, first to help you across and then to giggle wildly as your foot nudges the stereo volume, cranking the volume of whatever playlist was playing quietly a moment ago.

“If you wanted some make out jams, you could’ve just told me,” he cracks, barely getting out his joke before guffawing loudly at it.

You shake your head, trying to get comfortable on top of him in the small seat. “The irony that such a sexy car has so little room to fool around in it,” you lament cheekily.

He cocks his head at you. “Oh is that what we’re doing?” He playfully asks.

You narrow your eyes, unsure if you want to wipe that look off his face with a kiss or a pinch. “What’d you think I came over here for?”

He gives an innocent shrug. “To say hi?”

You try to hide your amusement and fake like you’re climbing back to your own seat but Ash grabs you, pulling you close. “Hi,” you tease.

“Hi,” he laughs, closing the gap between you.

It doesn’t take long for things to heat back up with his hands threaded in your hair and you gently rocking in his lap. His mouth attaches to your neck, sucking a mark just under your ear and you moan at the feeling of both his mouth and his beard. He responds enthusiastically to your reaction; the groan he lets out is muffled by your skin but the way he bucks his hips against you is loud and clear.

You slide your hand from inside his unbuttoned shirt down to the straining bulge in his black pants. As you continue to slowly grind against him, your hand adds gentle pressure to his stiffening cock and you hear a barely there sigh of "baby" under his breath. Your heart skips a beat and you have to whimper quietly; pet names are still new between you, mostly occurring in the heat of the moment like this, indicating that feelings are reaching a boiling point.

“Think I want you,” you pant, rolling your hips.

Ash’s hands grip your ass, moving you over him in just the right way for you to catch enough friction to make your eyes roll back. “Yeah? Want me bad enough you’ll let me have you in the middle of a parking lot?”

You look around through the steamy windows surrounding you. “An empty parking lot,” you smirk, squeezing him through his pants.

“Much more respectable,” he teases, slipping his hands up your shirt to cup your breasts.

“Oh, those days are behind us, babe, we’re in the Groupie Era now,” you laugh. “It’s all dirty quickies and sex tapes from now on.”

He laughs naughtily as he leans into you. “Promise?”

Anticipation buzzes in the air as he reaches to slip your panties off under your skirt while you start undoing his belt to get his cock out of his pants; the giggles and kisses continue throughout the process as the two of you determinedly struggle to complete your tasks in the small space of the passenger seat.

Ash groans into your mouth as you wrap your hand around him and give him a few firm strokes. He massages your now bare cheeks under your skirt and then it’s suddenly like the lusty fog lifts in his brain and he drops his hands, realizing, “Oh… baby… I don’t think I have anything in my bag right now.” He shifts you so he can reach his backpack and he starts digging frantically. “No… no… fuck… no… goddammit… fuck, I knew I was going to forget to put more.”

You take a breath to consider and then shrug. “I’m fine with it if you are.”

He studies you for a beat before replying. “Really?”

“I mean, we’re exclusive… and the condoms are essentially a backup anyways,” you point out, shrugging again.

He rubs over your thighs affectionately. “And this isn’t just your dirty groupie brain talking? Home’s not that far, we can hit pause.”

You bring your hands to his face, softly brushing his cheeks with your thumbs. “My dirty groupie brain that likes and trusts you very much,” you answer confidently. You press a light kiss to his lips before continuing with a smirk, “And that also hasn’t been able to stop thinking about riding your dick since you stepped on that stage, so…”

Ashton grins, kissing you passionately. “Well as long as your logic is sound,” he jokes.

You peck at him one more time before you pull away to look him in the eye. “What about you? You’re right, we can absolutely hit pause.”

His hands are back under your skirt, pulling you to hover above his lap as he responds with both affection and mischief sparking in his eyes. “My filthy rockstar brain likes and trusts you more than anyone in the world.” He gives your ass a playful swat. “And I’ve been thinking about getting you on my dick ever since I watched you step out of that car this afternoon.”

You smile widely, biting your lip as you take his cock in your hand again, this time sliding it between your folds, rolling your hips to coat him in your wetness. “Always love knowing we’re on the same page,” you chuckle, a hiss interrupting your banter when his tip nudges your clit.

He hisses next as you guide him to your entrance and begin slowly sinking down on him. Ash’s grip tightens on your waist and your soft moans increase in volume until you’ve taken every inch; your breathy noises blend with his throaty murmurs, both of you overwhelmed by the new sensations of being intimate without any barrier.

“God, Ash…” You start, quickly losing your train of thought as you start to move.

For the first time since you’ve known him, Ashton seems at a loss for words, responding only with a strained “yeah” and then hungrily bringing his lips to yours. With his hands in your hair and his tongue caressing yours, his body tells you what his voice is unable to. He pulls back to look at you earnestly and breathlessly asks, “You OK?”

You nod, holding on to the headrest behind him for leverage as your hips resume their movements. “Perfect,” you whisper, nipping at his bottom lip. You easily find a rhythm that works for both of you, fast enough to be pleasurable but slow enough for you to savor finally being able to feel every ridge and curve of his cock inside you.

He digs his fingers into your hips. “Feel so fuckin’ wet,” he mutters, sounding dazed. He tugs your shirt up so he can bury his face between your lace covered breasts. “Fuck, baby… so warm and tight for me… so good.”

You moan at his praise, throwing your head back, relishing the scratchy feel of his beard running over your tits. “Love when you mark me like this,” you huff, a playful smile spreading across your face. “I should mark you up before your next show… gotta let all the other girlies know the drummer’s mine.”

Your sudden possessiveness is both amusing and arousing to your boyfriend, your comment earning you a clipped laugh as well as a slight buck of his hips. You attempt to move with him but you raise yourself up too quickly and bump your head on the soft roof of the convertible.

Ash can’t help but tease. “We could always put the top down,” he offers, biting his lip to keep from giggling.

He yelps in protest as you flick at his chest. “If I’d known you were down for some exhibitionism, I’d have saved us the trouble and just let you fuck me on the hood,” you lob back.

“Next time,” he smirks, pulling you closer and guiding you to tuck your head close to his. You hang on to his broad shoulders, breathing heavy in his ear as he holds your hips down and steadily fucks up into you.

You let him work you on his cock as long as he wants, feeling too good to care about no longer being in control; you scratch your nails up and down his chest, making note of the pleasured grunts he lets out when they catch and pull at his chest hair. You notice his thrusts have started to slow and figure he must be close and trying to hold off.

“I don’t need much more,” you inform him, moving a hand between your legs to play with your clit.

You only get a few rubs in before Ashton is replacing your hand with his, drawing skillful circles. “Can’t wait to feel you cum around me, baby, gonna squeeze me so tight," he tells you, voice deep and scratchy with lust. “God, it feels like you’re getting even wetter, how is that possible? Fuck… come on, baby, soak my cock…”

“Jesus Christ, Ash,” you whine. Your heart feels like it’s about to beat straight out of your chest as you bounce on him with determination. You lean forward, hoping to kiss him when suddenly you’re there and it knocks your breath from you. You paw at him, fingers grasping at his chest, his necklace, his shoulders, anything to ground you as the strong waves of pleasure crash over you.

He clutches your ass, helping you ride out your orgasm, moaning with you; the feeling of your walls gripping and pulsing around his bare cock is almost too much for him to take and he sharply starts to ask, “Baby… where --”

“Inside,” you pant, exhausted but still moving.

He grits his teeth, cursing silently. “Are you sure?”

“I want to feel it, Ash,” you confirm breathlessly. “Cum inside me, baby, fill me up.”

Ashton can only manage to weakly groan your name in acknowledgement before his head falls back against the seat and you feel his cock twitch as he starts cumming; you whimper in time with his soft grunts as the warmth of his release fills you. With his eyes screwed shut, sweaty chest heaving and shuddered breaths pouring from his mouth, you don’t know if you’ve ever seen him look quite so vulnerable, beautiful even. You stroke his hair back and rush your lips to his, hurrying to occupy your tongue before it says something it’s not time for yet.

He slowly returns to himself, kissing you back, hands running down your body. He lets out a loud sigh as he pulls away to look into your eyes. “So that was…” He stops, once again surprisingly in search of what to say.

“For me too,” you reassure him with a sincere smile. He smiles back and plants another sweet kiss on you. You squeeze his arms as you reluctantly pull back to say, “Not to ruin the moment but I’m kind of afraid to move because I don’t want anything to drip on your seats.”

Realization crosses his features and you both exchange nervous laughs. “Oh shit, baby, I’m sorry…” He says understandingly as he reaches for his bag again, retrieving his t-shirt from this afternoon. “...Here, let me.”

He helps you lift off of him, each of you audibly reacting to the loss of connection; he uses one hand to steady you as you hold yourself above him, the other taking the edge of his shirt to gently wipe between your legs. You watch how careful he’s being with you, the concentration on his face and it somehow endears him to you even more. He softly taps your leg to let you know he’s finished and you tenderly peck his cheek before you start trying to navigate your journey back to your seat.

He watches your wheels turn while he cleans himself with the other end of the shirt and tucks himself back in his pants. “You can walk around this time,” he laughs, opening the door.

“Oh. Fair point,” you giggle, holding onto him as you climb out, legs feeling like jello from both the orgasm and the cramped space. “Holy shit, it feels good to stretch.”

“Surprised I didn’t hear you say that a few minutes ago,” he winks, following your lead and stepping outside. “Oh fuck, you’re right… why’d I buy such a tiny car?”

You laugh, sliding your arms around his neck, tucking your face into his chest. “No room to fool around is a fun and sexy challenge, no room to cuddle is just unacceptable,” you tease.

Ashton kisses the top of your head, squeezing his arms around your waist. The two of you sway together in the deserted parking lot, the late night air refreshing on your overheated skin. After a couple minutes of blissed out silence, he murmurs, “But really, what did you think of the show tonight?”

You look up to see the playful grin decorating his face. You match his expression as you answer, “The show was good… but our encore was even better.”

————-

@conversecake @cxddlyash @cashtonasfuck @talkfastromance4 @camelliastreet @itjustkindahappenedreally @saywhatnow07 @mymindwide @suchalonelysunflower @pxrxmoore @findingliam-o @fedorable-killjoys @trix-arent-for-kids @olivia-foster-irwin @saphseoul @calmsweetcreature @onthecliffside-mgc @feliznavidaddycal @himbohood @maggiesupertramp @karajaynetoday @ashtonangst @sunshineeashton @aladyofalbion @youngblood199456 @xsongbirdx @fairytrice @calumrose @irwindoll @polycashton @in-superbloom @2fangirl4u @highstwildflower @t3lkfast

[pepsiprophecy]

bit of a clearer concept for the fits in that night city au

[pallanophblargh]

Scientific/natural history illustration is hard. But it’s about the only thing I’m even remotely cut out for in terms of art, so.

I do need to keep brushing up on my realism chops, because I’ll admit I was letting myself get a little FANCIFUL for a minute there.

Cryptic ramblings aside... *Pippin voice* “The eagles are coming! The eagles are coming!”

[coldarena]

The most you can hope for, is that it doesn’t happen to you

[the-deadlock-south]

my fave thing about cass and hanzo’s interactions is that cass is always trying to reach out and be friendly yet hanzo Without Fail practically sneers at him for even looking in his direction and it makes me chortle every single time

[chalkeater]

WHO is the fucking singlet that's been pissing you off so much lately. I've been seeing too many of ur tags complaining abt that fucker. Sending x1 BITCHSLAP at that fucking rude ass singlet. Will Smith style 😤😤 dw King I got ur back <3

BAHAHAHA HELLO

Its basically this guy i met while on this diving trip and we exchanged discord contacts and uh i dont wanna get into detail out here because i dont wanna spread misinfo/mischaracterizations by accident

But basically i was made MAJORLY UNCOMFORTABLE for several reasons and he didnt understand what a system was so much to the point of calling me a HUSK OF A PERSON. A HUSK A FUCKING HUSK even though i was fronting snd talking to him in a VC girl .... “i cant believe youre a real person” to me who was reacting to him and had feelings etc

He asked me to even ‘be Juni’ (our collective name. But thats all it is! Juni doesnt technically ‘exist’ theyre just a house/team name for us and i guess a singletsona/facade thingy) and aggrgrhrghrggrg

[rsmrymnt-tea]

*cherry picks which parts of canon i enjoy and it's typically some of the world building, a few plot points that feel important to me personally, and some characterization*

*makes everything else riddled with headcanon*

[morelikedoccock]

Just exhausted/angry rambling

I’m so tired of fandom discourse

Like, over ships, over characters, over kinks, etc

I just wanna have fun again, just making art and writing and enjoying other people’s art and writing— and ignoring/blocking when I don’t like something

I hate having to think about whether or not I can join a discord bc I have beef with people who are in it, or worrying that they’d have beef with me

I just wanna be able to be casually in a space existing, without a story or shitty fandom discourse in my past

Yeah I did mod that server way back when by choice, but fuck if I’d known what that experience was gonna do to me and my friends and how shittily it was gonna affect our fandom experiences, I would’ve said “to hell with it, let it burn” and let the two original mods and creator deal with all the shit that we ended up having to deal with instead of them, the fucking hate anons, the shitty and stupid rumors, the stalking and harassment, etc

And yeah I’m just… I don’t want my name or my work to be associated with fandom discourse. I just wanna be able to explore fandom without worrying about picking sides and shit. I do still feel very strongly about certain things and naturally would not want to talk to people who are into them, but also like nuance exists in the world, and I am nuanced too, nothing here is fucking cut and dry

Idk my brain is weird rn but I’m just frustrated and I wish people were more decent on the internet, just blocking and moving on instead of being dicks about stuff

[arielmagicesi]

been looking through old posts and I just want everyone to know, if you see an old post of mine where I have a bunch of caveats being like “but I’m not a gross cringe freak about this obviously, I’m the smart cool version of this, I’m doing this thing with full knowledge of all the serious problems that come with being gross and cringe” I just want everyone to know I was lying. I am a gross cringe freak. and don’t think for a second I’m not <3

[beartusks]

"just remember: it wasn't me who killed you, it was THE BAT!" - two-face, robin: year one

[sunnysviolin]

Another day another comment asking if a fic is dead when I only updated it 3 weeks ago

[zarnzarn]

Fuck yaar it's one of those days where u are either dissociating or depressed all day it sucks ass

[pepprs]

may all cats of pepprsclan old enough to catch their own prey gather beneath the highrock! *my mutuals and followers slip out of their dens and sunshine patches to sit in front of the massive stone, curling their tails around their paws or licking their chest fur a couple times to smooth it. the crowd blinks up at me (tessstar) with eager eyes and twitching whiskers*

ok i am really tempted to keep up the bit but ive been trying to write this for like 5 minutes and the metaphors aren’t lining up LMAO so basically. since wednesday two critical developments have occurred and they have brought about major implications about the future (one directly and the other indirectly). and i…. i… am realizing that 80-ish hours ago i was immature and deluded. i thought that the life i want to live would fall into my paws, that i wouldn’t have to fight for it. but i have received a prophecy / omen (but really more of a forecast of neutral bearing.. like a forecast of facts, a wake up call) from starclan (which i don’t think is the right way to put it bc starclan doesn’t deal with coincidences or… “minutia” i don’t think or maybe im just not interpreting the books right). at first i did see it as an omen, and i still kind of do. but a conversation with my mom — who i am maybe sorta kinda realizing is not out to get me, it’s just we needed to learn to speak each others’ language and i think we’re doing that learning now #growth — illuminated the unweighted unclouded truth and perspective, revealed to me with great clarity the possibility seeds in this situation. which is — and i’ve been saying it, but never quite like this — i choose my life. and choice is a verb. (“choose” is also…. literally the verb form of choice but just roll with me here LMAO). i have to choose all the time, every day, with every second. it is not passive. the choices always change. and i am young and i have agency and i have so much life ahead of me. so it would be a disservice to myself, and to everyone i will and could ever meet, to not explore all of the blossoms. AND it would be a disservice to me and everyone i will and could ever meet to assume that everything will be taken care of and that i have earned everything snd i can just curl cozily and watch. no. (mixing metaphors here but) we are on some swan maiden type of shit. jaume doing the 3 trials to win doucette’s hand even though they know they love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together AND doucette going through the rassemblement to make the magic live inside her and prove to herself that she could do it AND doucette running away from jaume and living life on her own for a while and making messes and finding herself which she had to do in order to really learn and know that SHE was choosing her life with jaume. i am about to launch into battle and my paws are pinned and certain stars can’t speak to me. but it is a battle from which will emerge my life, or the next leap of it. and i have everything i need within myself. i will find my way. and even if it’s not jaume i end up with i will have love in some form and that is enough.