#when fiona apple was like 'i can write a hit. i know how that shit works' so fucking true fiona

[ivettel]

that's a day i could have spent doing better things but tbh i'm not too mad about it! thank u sebastian vettel for whacking the back of our heads with a chair and tossing us into hell. ciao, enjoy the gp xo

[numetaljackdog]

what i'm listening to 4/5/2023 (song notes under cut!)

spot. link//yt link

Laura Les - Haunted: haunted. by laura les.

100 gecs - Dumbest Girl Alive: yeah there's gonna be a fair few new gecs tracks in here. dumbest girl alive is my favorite from 10k, i can't even express how much it just hits every time. i love the riff, i love the lyrics, i love the music video, i love the production, love it love it love it. i also included a minecraft parody i found when searching the video on youtube, you're welcome

Black Flag - Revenge: i've been trying to rediscover my love for some of my favorite hardcore genres, so i took it all the way back to the early days and reconnected with one of my favorite bands. i encountered this song in high school when trying to find clean black flag songs that i could put in a piece i was writing about the history of metal (which the band is not, but hardcore is significant in the history of the genre anyway). it's a great thrash-and-basher and apparently has not been in my playlist until now, which i was unaware of lol

The Beatles - Strawberry Fields Forever: once again i must admit to listening to the beetles.... alas. look it's a really good song, the lead-in to the chorus is fucking amazing, the instrumentation is really interesting and unique, it just washes over you like waves of sound. plus it's goofy as hell

Jaga Jazzist - I Could Have Killed Him In The Sauna: from the INSTANT i heard the intro of this track i was like ohhh that's going in the next WILT. i don't have a ton to say about it, just listen. it's good sounds to chew on. shoutout io

100 gecs - Billy Knows Jamie: i freaked the fuck out when i heard this track, no joke. which is funny, because i'm pretty certain they played this when i saw them last fall, but i didn't have any frame of reference at the time for whether it would sound the same on the record. i just kept thinking "they did this for ME. SPECIFICALLY" because like hello??? i'm the nu metal gecs fan!!! that's like my whole thing!!!! and this literally sounds like limp bizkit half the time!!!!! i honestly kind of wouldn't mind if the breakdown at the end had been a little more restrained, just to preserve the feeling that it's 1999 all over again, but whatever. it cums. it's also about violence and killing, so i even get a little bit of like juggalo vibes almost

Fiona Apple - To Your Love: this song sounds so sexyyyy like maybe this is out of pocket but when this came on shuffle on a singer-songwriter playlist i was browsing i literally stopped what i was doing and was just like 😳😳😳 it's insane. and like when her voice gets all growly at one point later in the track... anyway haha

Marnie Stern - Prime: found via that coolass video i reblogged a while back oh god let's see if i can find that. holy shit i can't believe that worked. i don't know anything about marnie stern but i should listen to more because prime knocked the wind out of me it's good

100 gecs - The Most Wanted Person In The United States: last gecs track... and it's more rap rock!!! kind of. did you guys catch that cypress hill sample? i sure did!!!! love itttt. plus there's more killing it's so awesome. i've already said most of this stuff to violet (hi violet) but for real i think "got anthony kiedis suckin on my penis" is one of the all-time greatest bars and i'm not joking

DJ Lycox - BILLIE JEAN (DIOR): a lot of music from people on here this month! one of my mutuals (who probably won't read this but if you do. hi :3) posted this track and i really love the original pop smoke song so i was like right what's all this then. it's good. that's what it is then

Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run: i was reading this article about bruce springsteen being a sort of icon for butch womanhood and that had me like wow i am feeling emotions right now. and so i went and listened to some springsteen and you know what he rocks. there's something so desperate and heartbreaking about his songwriting, it hits me in a real way. and i've never even been to new jersey

Ada Rook - 920LONDON: new rook album ooh yeah babey. not my fav record she's ever done but still really fucking good. this song kind of reminds me of everlong, which like. girl who's only ever listened to everlong by the foo fighters listening to her second song: getting a lot of everlong by the foo fighters vibes from this. but still it's about holding each other close and making the most of what we have in our rapidly passing time, plus the riffs are kind of similar in ways that i don't feel like fudging musical terminology to try and describe

Sarah Vaughan - Lullaby Of Birdland: cool jazz can be kind of whatever but y'know i'm a vocals girlie and sarah vaughan honestly probably deserves to be listed up there with the greats. her vocal control is insane, and the way she just drifts from her higher register to the lower and back again is hypnotic. good fucking song plus shows props to charlie parker

May Leitz - gODKILLER: another from tumblr, thanks to user bigbaywindow for directing me towards may leitz ^_^ i have been rocking with several of her songs but this was the first one i listened to and it's really good, the lyrics hit me in a certain way as well that some of you might guess. also while putting together the youtube playlist i discovered that may makes youtube videos including one that i've seen floating around my recommended page a couple of times?? so i guess i'll have to see what's goin on over there

The International Sweethearts Of Rhythm - Vi Vigor: am i like. crazy. i would have SWORN that i put this in a previous WILT but i can find no evidence of that being true. in any case this is a cool kinda bebop-inspired jazz piece by an all-woman jazz ensemble who i wanna listen to more of. there's some really great sax work on here especially, so if you're into that def check this one out

Girls Rituals - Hole/The Used: okay funny story on this one. this was the first song i ever heard from any of devi's projects, it was before i even really knew who black dresses was. this song appeared in my release radar and i was like "who the fuck is this" and i'm convinced it only happened because the title is the names of two bands which i WAS already listening to at the time. and i listened to the song and said "this is really bad, and i don't understand why anyone would listen to this." and then i mostly forgor about it. skip forward to recently - i am obviously a big fan of devi's work and plenty of other projects adjacent to this. i get a big new batch of songs in my playlist (hello again to violet shoutout violet) and this song is in here. i listen to it. it's good :) take that, me from two years ago

The Buggles - The Plastic Age: the mandatory Todd Find™ for this month. i was watching the one hit wonderland episode on these guys and honestly didn't pay attention too closely bc i was busy but this song stuck. you guys know i'm all about that campy futurey cyberpunk-adjacent shit. it would be a stretch to say this fully gets there but it's still a fun song either way

Cage The Elephant - Cigarette Daydreams: lame song honestly but the chorus is super catchy plus there's a story. when i was working my old job there was a supervisor i liked a lot who played a wide range of tunes on shift. sometimes it was chill instrumental stuff, sometimes it was metalcore, and sometimes it was like this sort of radio alternative shit. this song specifically would play a lot, as you can imagine, and at the time it annoyed me, especially because of how catchy it is, it would make me think of work. but now both that supervisor and i have left, and so now it just reminds me of vibing with them and making the most of being on the clock. a cigarette daydream indeed

Jason Segel & Walter - Man Or Muppet: i don't know, man. i've had this song stuck in my head since i was eight years old and one day i randomly thought "i wonder if that's on streaming" and it is

[sulcrafatejackets]

Okay, so what I understand. Is there a couple of you tried to cross that line and you can’t so you have some mathematical complications there you’re trying to be smart ass but I think that a couple of you probably have broken Nick into 1 million pieces

We have a situation I guess where perhaps they didn’t pay attention to Ashley and those as closely because you and I are small people I wish that you had asked me first I really truly well I would’ve just ran just like you I tried to do laps all day around the situation and I realised I was doing exactly the same thing that you were doing, but then I realised that I that’s not typically that’s not my behaviour that’s actually your behaviour so I apologise and that yeah yeah Fiona apple Cécile, De France and myself I guess there are plenty of others. Of course Fiona and I though

The men have to pretend like they hate other women anyway when they are with Americans, so the misogyny and hatred has become so severe that too many women too many children have been absolutely in danger because Melanie Keeney is not going to get to Mary James Frain, or cut his dick off. Wow Melody that’s some really academic thinking that’s why I got hit so hard. Why would you do that when you could write it are you retarded of course you’re not there

Ride it you dumb Cunt so because Melanie Keeney is not attractive enough, mentally physically or spiritually for James Frain, she would kill him. Jill him if you will remove his cock in a violent way and it would not matter if he was a child because he is an immigrant it wouldn’t matter if he was from England well actually it does matter somewhat, but if James is from Afghanistan, he has no protection. If James is from Iran, he has some protection but it just depends on what the papers tell. Melanie is true, but either way because she does not belong. She is going to attack a child woman or otherwise turn herself into a terrorist.

Meanwhile, Nicholas is apparently sort of in love with you maybe kind of I think he’s mostly just going for depth so I gave it to him. I was like I know that you love somebody who is older than you whatever. He’s an idiot. He doesn’t love anybody he doesn’t know love he never will. He never loved you of course but he thought he loved you or or he thought that he loves somebody along those lines, a racist bag of shit stupid and then of course he spends his day tearing women down to tell them how ugly and old they are but it’s it’s the only way that he can pick up children to fuck

[derivativealigner]

Well I haven’t watched sp all the way through for about a decade now, so I thought it was time

Sometimes I wonder how accurate the fandom is when it comes to how we interpret the characters. Like, why is Stan a football star so often in fanfic and why’s Kyle always the smart one? So I thought I’d rewatch the show and make notes along the way to see where the source of all these interpretations is. I also wanted to see if I could get some fun info to analyze, but season 1 is pretty sparse in that regard so there’s not too much of that in this post, but I’ll make a post for all the other seasons too as I watch them

In summary, it’s established in season 1 already that Stan’s a star quarterback and an animal lover, Kyle’s an A+ student, and Kenny is poor and knows a lot about sex and doesn’t have many qualms about doing crazy shit. Cartman is a bit weird since he’s mostly just a naive brat in this season, but he and Kyle have a mildly antagonistic friendship already

I have all my notes under this cut. They include a bunch of small details and other observations. I also listed every Kenny death just because

Ike has freckles

Cartman says “Weak!” and “You guys” and “Seriously” a lot from the start, also “Kickass!” He doesn’t say weak or kickass much in the later seasons iirc

Stan says “Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here” three times in this season but they dropped that catchphrase pretty quickly

Bebe got named in episode 2

Stan’s been an animal lover since s01e03 Volcano since he won’t shoot a bunny or anything else. He does shoot Scuzzlebutt at the end though

Cartman’s a pathological liar but in a childish way

Randy got named in s01e03 Volcano (and it only got worse from there)

The mayor went to Princeton

South Park is next to Mt. Evanson

Kenny will literally drink gasoline

Stan’s a star quarterback in 3rd grade

Clyde’s voice is wrong as hell in S01E04 Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride and he has a dog, Rex

Garrison says Kyle is an A+ kid

Shelly seriously abuses Stan, punching him, throwing him, maiming him with a lawnmower

Cartman had a pot-bellied pig called Fluffy

Cartman’s mom smokes crack and has sex with strange men

Dr. Mephesto is probably a Buddhist since he says “Thank Buddha” instead of “Thank God”

Clyde’s voice gets kind of fixed in S01E06

A guy called Mr. McCormick is killed in a protest, launched and splattered against a network building. He doesn’t look like Kenny’s dad though

Zombie Clyde attacks Bebe, rude

Wendy gave her costume contest prize (2 tons of candy) to hungry children in Nairobi

Cartman’s mom is on the cover of Crack Whore magazine. “Back do’ ho… Five on one action!” is the headline

Cartman genuinely cries at Kenny’s grave after the whole zombie thing but gets over it because of candy

Stan knows his mom’s credit card number and has no problem using it to adopt an Ethiopian child (the boys wanted a watch that came with the adoption, they weren’t doing it to be nice)

Cartman calls Stan a vas deference, Stan doesn’t know what that is so Kenny says “Dude, it’s a pipe for your peepee” (according to a transcript). Kenny sure knows male anatomy

Kyle sniffs Kenny after Cartman asks why poor people smell like sour milk and Garrison says “idk eric they just do”

Cartman thinks poor people should die and decrease the surplus population

When the boys get Starvin’ Marvin delivered to them, Cartman says “Hey mom, we found an Ethiopian, can we keep him?” and his mom says “Sure, hun.” She rarely says no to Cartman

Kenny’s dad is an alcoholic who drinks scotch according to Cartman. I mean, Mr. McCormick is seen drinking in multiple episodes and has a hat that says SCOTCH so it’s probably true

Kenny’s family says grace

Craig’s first appearance is S01E09. Also, S01E09 is the first time Kenny doesn’t die (Coincidence? I THINK yeah but it’s still fun)

Clyde got named in S01E10

Clyde and Bebe both spit on Pip’s face, friendship goals <3

Cartman and Kyle have their first fight at Cartman’s birthday party because Kyle didn’t give the right gift. Cartman slaps his face and  screams “I hate you! I want you to die! Die!” while on top of Kyle who’s not really fighting back

Satan throws a fight with Jesus after everyone except Satan bet that Jesus would lose, which leads to Satan winning everyone’s money. Mr. Garrison says “What a mean thing to do!” and Jimbo says “He is a jerk!” and I thought it was quite a laugh so I wrote it down

In S01E11 Tom’s Rhinoplasty Bebe and Wendy are sitting in the swings together and generally appear together throughout the episode, then Bebe gives Wendy a makeover so they’re bffs obviously <3

Craig first appears in the classroom, though not sitting down, in S01E11

Wendy’s not happy about Ms. Ellen taking Stan away from her, she says “Don’t fuck with me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I’ll whoop your sorry ho ass back to last year!”

Kenny gives Ms. Ellen a scrumptious looking sausage as a valentine’s gift and giggles deviously. Wendy’s gift to Ms. Ellen is a dead animal

Even Kenny doesn’t know what a lesbian is

Wendy’s grandma died in S01E11

Wendy gets Ms. Ellen killed by hiring the Iraqi government (?) to put her in a rocket and shoot it into the sun, then she and Bebe have a pool party (very cool, they wear sunglasses 😎) and watch the rocket hit the sun

Cartman and Pip play a game of kicking each other in the nuts until someone falls. Cartman calls it “Roshambo”

Kenny has a sack of marbles

The boys aren’t fans of Barbra Streisand, but Stan is a fan of the Denver Broncos quarterback John Elway (he’s not a quarterback anymore, he’s an American football executive and the president of football operations for the Denver Broncos of the NFL according to wikipedia.)

Officer Barbrady is a fan of Fiona Apple (who was 20 at the time and had only one album released called Tidal)

Ned knows how to pilot a helicopter

Kyle’s mom is a fan of Streisand unlike literally everyone else, she even gets an autograph from Mecha Streisand

The boys are fans of Robert Smith, the lead singer of The Cure. Stan says “Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!” and Kyle says “Disintegration is the best album ever!” and Cartman says “Robert Smith kicks ass!” and Kenny’s dead so he doesn’t get to have an opinion

Cartman has tea parties with his toys: Polly Prissypants, Clyde frog, Peter Panda, and a dragon called Rumpertumskin

Kyle wants to make fun of Cartman for the tea party but Stan stops him because he’s concerned that Cartman needs help

Craig is in front of the school counselor’s office in S01E13

A young miss Cartman drinks like a motherfucker at the 12th annual drunken barn dance where Cartman was supposedly conceived

Stan lets Cartman borrow his bike like a good friend

Garrison wanted to have a threesome with Chef and Cartman’s mom. I don’t know why I’m making a note of this but uh… yeah.

Cartman’s mom has had sex with everyone at this bar that Garrison’s drinking at, including principle Victoria, the mayor, Father Maxi, and Jesus (and maybe Kenny’s dad since he’s at the bar but the camera doesn’t pan to him when Garrison says they’ve all slept with Liane). Later Gerald Broflovski is a possible father to Eric, so he fucked her too. Also Mr. Mephesto and his friend Kevin, that little guy, are candidates along with a lot of other people, including the 1989 Denver Broncos (and Mr. Tenorman is included in that later)

Cartman doesn’t make fun of Kyle for being Jewish much at all in this season even though the Christmas episode is all about Kyle not celebrating

Clyde and Token appear very early on and Clyde has always been in the classroom (along with Bebe, Red, Kevin Stoley, Wendy, and Pip and uhh DogPoo too I think). Craig appears later in the season and Tweek’s not in season 1 at all, so Craig’s gang isn’t really a thing yet

And here’s a list of the ways Kenny died in this season. He dies in every episode except episode 9, and he dies twice in episodes 2 and 3. Altogether he dies 14 times

S01E01 Killed after alien shoots him, cows stampede over him, then cop runs him over which finally actually kills him

S01E02 Killed in a play by a falling teepee, then a second time shot by Garrison which sends him in the air and he gets impaled on a flagpole on the way down

S01E03 Killed by a volcano rock that burns him then rolls on him but he’s alive again in the end but gets shot by Ned’s gun that he drops and it accidentally goes off

S01E04 Gets his arms and head torn off in an American football game

S01E05 Stan’s clone punches Kenny into a microwave where he gets cooked alive

S01E06 Death touches Kenny

S01E07 Kenny gets crushed by a Russian space station and turns into a zombie because he gets Worcestershire sauce in his veins, then Kyle chainsaws zombie Kenny in half, then zombie Kenny rises from his grave and is crushed by a statue and a plane

S01E08 Kenny is killed by a bunch of turkeys. His eye gets plucked out. It’s dark blue

S01E10 After Kenny gets turned into a duck-billed platypus, Jimbo and Ned shoot him

S01E11 Ms. Ellen throws a sword through Kenny’s face

S01E12 While Mecha Streisand and a giant robot Leonard Maltin fight, Kenny plays with a tetherball and gets the rope wrapped around his neck and it strangles him

S01E13 Kenny gets stuck on a go kart and it drags him around but stops and he’s still alive! Too bad the go kart stops on train tracks and a train runs him over. Stan’s grandpa sends a video of the event to America’s Stupidest Home Videos and wins $10,000

If you read all that, first of all hello. I’m not new to the fandom even though this is the first thing I’ve posted on this tumblr blog. I’ve been writing a fanfic called Caffetamine though so I’m not a complete non-entity. Anyway, I’ll watch season 2 soon and post my notes on that too probably.

[bluesockets]

HUGO WEIDERMANN ( HE/HIM ) is a CIS MALE, THIRTY-SEVEN year old THERAPIST & PSYCHIATRIST who has been living in Moorbrooke for TWO YEARS. They were born on MARCH 5 and right now, they are currently residing in REDGRAVE GROVE. It has been said that they look suspiciously like MATTHEW GRAY GUBLER and if they had to choose a song to describe themselves, they would choose HEAVY BALLOON by FIONA APPLE. ( ox, 21+, cst, he/him )

❮ it grows relentless like the teeth of a rat it's just got to keep on gnawing at me !! ❯ TW : ILLNESS, DRINKING MENT. !

full name : hugo weidermann. nicknames : he actually hates most derivatives of his name. calling him ‘huey’ is a one way ticket to getting your number blocked. pronouns : he/him. age : thirty-seven. date of birth : march 5, 1984. zodiac : pisces. gender : cis male. sexuality : gay. hometown : munich, germany. current residence : redgrave grove. languages spoken : german + english.

BIO !

—— hugo was born into a moderately wealthy family right in the middle of munich, germany. his parents pushed a lot of their #grindset on him and his baby sister. unfortunately for him, this meant a future of perfectionism and unrelenting gifted kid syndrome. he sacrificed a lot of his social needs for grades early in his life and after a while, it all became second nature. once in a blue moon he’d talk to his peers in scouting but he’d stutter, stumble over his words, and never quite found the right things to say. figuring himself a lost cause, he studied. he helped his mom with the garden. maybe occasionally played half life or duke nukem on the family computer. all of this dedication to perfection made him a shoe-in for harvard university, all the way over in the united states. his parents, father especially, encouraged the idea. that was all he needed to get himself on a plane to massachusetts. he was just glad his family could afford frequent flights back home, in case everything went to shit. —— when he first landed, hugo thought he’d only be in the states for school, but he ended up liking it a lot more than he thought he would. after finishing school and taking up a residency in downtown boston, he moved to new york. he made a good amount of money, was able to keep in touch with the few friends he met in college, and even secured a few long term relationships along the way. he hit his thirties and finally felt that he reached a point of contentment. this ... didn’t last long. —— right before he was able to buy his first house in the city he fell ill and, after seeing more doctors than he could count on both hands and feet, was diagnosed with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis. this wasn’t something he thought he was going to be able to handle by himself, so his sister came down from her home in germany to assist him with his daily needs. the two of them definitely couldn’t afford new york and medical bills on hugo’s salary alone, which led them to pack their bags and head to ( what his sister considered ) the next best option. moorbrooke, maine !! he wasn’t too stoked about this. he’d be leaving most of his support system behind and he knew absolutely nothing about the area, but his sister found a job there and it was a good place for him to start a private practice of his own. he’s still struggling over the loss of independence and the complete change from where he was in life before, but he’s coping ! after spending a lot of time inside and away from the people of moorbroke, he finally thinks he might be ready to actually make a life here. even if he wasn’t, his sister isn’t gonna move the two of them any time soon.

TIDBITS !

he’s a very nice dude and will totally engage with people, he just cannot bring himself to let his walls down. you really gotta know hugo well if you wanna have a conversation about anything serious without him deflecting the whole damn time.

his accent .... god rest his soul. he’s been living here for 20 years and sometimes people still need to take a second to understand him. especially when he drinks. two beers in and the man needs a translator.

speaking of drinking, he doesn’t do it often, and he can’t hold his liquor. i’d actually advise people to never give him alcohol. like, ever.

was on the rowing team in college. please don’t ask him about it. he’ll talk about it forever.

if it weren’t for his dog and his bees he’d be at rock bottom. outside of writing ( which i will get to in a jiffy ), beekeeping is his favorite hobby. ask him nicely and he might give you a jar of honey.

before coming down with lupus and RA he wrote two very boring books for psychiatrists and psychiatrists only. now that his focus has shifted away from his career a little bit, he’s in the middle of writing a poetry collection.

you will find this man at every bookstore in a 10 mile radius. he can’t be in the sun for too long so instead he likes to look at stuff he promises himself he won’t buy and then buys it anyway.

CONNECTIONS !

clients

he’s got fifteen clients on his caseload just to keep himself from losing his mind. he specializes in family, grief, trauma, and stress but doesn’t limit himself too much because of how small the town is. what i’m saying is : let hugo prescribe your characters drugs.

fellow beekeepers

he’s kept to himself a lot during his time in moorbrooke but his sister used to force him out at least some of the time. she drives him to beekeepers association events and conventions often enough, i would imagine it’d be a lot easier for him to talk to someone who shares the same niche hobby !! if your muse doesn’t keep bees, i’m always down for him to talk to some of the people who buy his honey at farmer’s markets.

former close friends

hugo met a lot of people ( particularly on harvard’s rowing team ) in college and during his stint in new york. i’m sure it’d be great for him to meet someone he knew up here because he’s honestly so tired of having to get used to new situations by himself.

flirtationship but hugo is oblivious the entire time

this guy is definitely the type to flirt with people on accident. i think it’d be really fuckin funny if he was flirting back and forth w someone he wasn’t consciously flirting with in the first place.

😏

listen the only thing i love playing out more slow burn self improvement and found family is romance. he’s been single since he was in new york and i think he deserves a little smooch. please dm me if your muse is also deserving of a little smooch.

etc, etc, etc !

there’s definitely more i want. i want everything you have to give me. however, if you’re in need of specifics, i would love to see : his doctors, people he can become friends with + let his walls down around, people he can teach german to, other authors, beta readers, and neighbors !

what am i missing. ah, yes.

pinterest / spotify [coming soon!]

[sawdustandgin]

A Year of Happiness, Joy and Sarcasm: My 2020 in Review

Absolutely nothing needs to be said about the year of our lord 2020 that hasn’t already been shouted from every social media platform like a shrieking alarm alerting us that the ship is sinking. We know. We’re all wet. 

I will not remember 2020 as mask-clad because I didn’t take any photos while wearing one. 

Every December, I reflect on the year through a short essay, allowing myself many opportunities to gush about the music that I didn’t include on my best-of lists but that I still loved dearly. (Though I guess I skipped last year. I found an abandoned draft the other day…) And consistently, I have regarded each year as one of transition. 

I don’t have clear career aspirations outside of wanting to engage with music as deeply and personally as I can; my only concrete life plan is to profile small towns across the country through the lens of its local music scene. So, with this nebulous image of a future endeavor, I have had a tumultuous time with money since losing my job two years ago. I realized fairly quickly, after only a few months of foundering at it, that I was unable to freelance my way to a liveable income. And in all honesty, this was for the best—nothing hurts worse than realizing the activity you are most passionate about has become a chore. I stopped worrying about pitching editors and trying to rub elbows, and I got to work applying for jobs. I, incredibly luckily, secured one after a few more months. The adjustment to being unemployed was a leap for me and my deep desire for a routine, but the adjustment to being employed and trying to maintain a balance between day job and side gig was even harder. 

Then I loosened up a bit. Toward the end of last year, I tried to make a vow to be more consistent with the blog, but instead, I prioritized sleep. At the time, I didn’t realize that it was an either/or scenario and probably would have made a greater effort to avoid my television if I had. But ultimately, I had to accept that my relationship with music journalism was on my terms. And regardless of how [in]frequently I ‘discovered’ new artists (for myself), I wasn’t ‘missing out’ on anything. 

And let’s be real, I wasn’t overly eager to listen to new stuff starting around April. I put so much energy into not losing myself in quarantine that I tuckered myself out before shit really hit the ceiling. When I began thinking toward my year-end lists in November, I began to worry that this would be my most deflated best-of season in recent memory. 

That’s ok, Zoë, no one really cares about top ten lists, I can hear you thinking, colored by a fascination with my determination. But as a double cancer and pisces moon, I like to cling to the art that moves my soul (read: ~nostalgia~). And so I take great joy in spending all of December and most of January repeatedly listening to my favorite music until I conjure a partially arbitrary ranking system and create playlists galore. It really is the best time of the year. 

Of course, there are always a few titles that need no additional spins, whether due to automatic disqualification or simply because I listened so much that I know it intimately. The automatic disqualifications this year were particularly striking. 

A few easy omissions were Chromatica, Positions, and Fetch the Bolt Cutters. Lady Gaga delivered her skip-less album around the time when it became clear that the pandemic was not even somewhat close to containment; my roommate and I cooked to Chromatica every night, singing along to every word. With each new record, Ariana Grande becomes a more graceful songwriter, and it also helps that Positions is a plain ol', boot-knockin’ good time. And the raw power Fiona Apple wields in Fetch the Bolt Cutters would be frightening were she not the perfect vessel to deliver it to us. 

Then there is the category of albums that simply didn’t need my (albeit dim) spotlight: Set My Heart on Fire Immediately, græ, and KicK i are each masterpieces in their own right. They each move purposefully through diverse landscapes, each song a new adventure not bound by genre or expectation. Interestingly, Perfume Genius and Moses Sumney were never mainstays in my music rotation, while my love for Arca is unquestioned. 

That leads us to Re-Animator, I’m Your Empress Of and The Mosaic of Transformation, all of which I actively feel bad for disqualifying. I’m too much of a fan of Everything Everything to impartially write about their new album, though it was one of my most frequently played. I have been writing best-of lists for six years now and I would prefer to write about a constantly expanding, diverse group of artists. That means I can’t keep doting on Empress Of, despite her status as one of our best contemporary artists. Me and Us were truly just prelude to her 2020 record, whose title is a formal introduction. Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith is also the most talented analog synth musician that I personally have ever engaged with, and her latest album is everything I could have wanted.  

It took some self-control (aka strict time management) to not write a few thousand words about The Ascension. Let’s recall my massive thesis on Carrie & Lowell… Yes, I am a former Catholic who thrives in the ambiguous invocation of Scripture, especially from a songwriter who quite literally shaped my taste in music. Luckily, I’m not nearly as pent up with anger and existential dread as in 2015 when I was, for the first time, processing the physical and emotional distance from my family. This elongated emotional breakdown was spurred by drama between my parents, but was also due to an irrational fear I held about my own mother’s death. Listening to Sufjan Stevens forgive his mother on her figurative deathbed has stayed with me. 

The anxiety I felt about 2020 was almost entirely external, so the gorge formed from the current of The Ascension was not nearly as deep a canyon in my heart as C&L, though it is still an affecting 80-minute journey. Stevens’ production, when coupled with his lyricism, is a breakthrough, though I do hear murmurs of folktronica from earlier in the decade. (I’m begging everyone to listen to Under Our Beds by Consilience.) And for perhaps the first time, there were songs that I occasionally skip. If I still had to commute to work, I bet they would have grown on me. In fact, this would have been a perfect driving album—one that wouldn’t cause me to weep while on the interstate. (oh Carrie. oh Lowell.)

Then there was VOL.II by my dear friend Lauren Ruth Ward. She gave me an opportunity to write a unique interview with her about the record to be printed on the inside of the gatefold, making it a permanent fixture on this most exciting of sophomore albums. I could not justify writing anything more about it, if only to preserve the sanctity of that interview, which I gave more effort and attention than any other piece of writing I had done. It was a wonderful and inspiring experience that I hope to replicate. The most heartbreaking part of the pandemic’s onset, from a social perspective, was not being able to visit Lauren after the record was released. 

With all that said, 2020 was about so much more than the music I listened to. All the digital replacements for physical intimacy during lockdown made me realize that my legacy (aka all my music writing) is fragile, locked into the impermanence of the internet. So I took it upon myself to build a physical archive; in the fall, I finalized a zine template, and the first eight issues are in the can. (So far, I have 19 zines planned. Email me if you are interested in having one!) 

I’ve also been living without a front tooth since mid-March. On one hand, it’s been convenient to wear a mask to hide the hole in my mouth, but on the other hand, all I want to do is bite into an apple. (For almost two years before I even knew I had to have my tooth removed, I had been forced to slice apples before being able to eat them. The abject humiliation.) The journey with my dentists and oral surgeon has been excruciating, to say the least. Who knew three people in the same medical practice could have such mightily different styles of care? [Author’s note: I got my crown after writing this essay! :grinning-emoji:]

In sum, it was my image of myself that I was able to see a bit clearer this year. Each year I think that I’ve figured something else out about myself, which had always led me to believe that I am a most-complex, divine being. But I think a more accurate interpretation is that, put simply, I am not static. My thoughts and emotions adapt to life and life doesn’t seem to stop throwing me around like sneakers in a tumbling dryer. My pronouns are now they/them and while I don’t have many specifics as to why, I just know that this feels right. 

I hope your year was at least acceptable; 2021 promises a host of new challenges, but I think we can take ‘em. 

[meikuree]

if i can be sentimental here for a minute, i’m feeling pretty emotional about finally putting up the fic i linked in my previous post, for a couple of reasons. the process of slowly editing it and plucking up the courage to do so over the past couple weeks is one that’s been intertwined with some of my lowest points in my writing enterprise, and the fact that i finally felt like i was in a decent enough place to share it publicly is a bit of an event to me. It’s also one that’s coincided with me finally reaching a relatively stable place with self-confidence, and I want to talk a bit about how I got to that place.

musings put under a readmore because they’re rather long.

some background: for various reasons, that particular fic was meant to be one of those wips I would never publish, and simply abandon to private obscurity. i wrote it three months ago at a time when i was feeling very self-conscious and Very Bad about my usual/natural writing style (which features lots of long sentences dense with not-always-straightforward implication, a tendency to opt for an introspective, stream-of-consciousness style, and liberal/indulgent use of descriptors and metaphors). my insecurity wasn’t the fault of any specific person/event-- it was something that stemmed from my perception that my writing differed (too) highly from fandom conventions i had observed surrounding style, tone, and content, and some personal weirdness around that. but the end result, regardless, was that when i finished the first draft of that fic i quickly looked back and came to the kneejerk verdict that it was terrible, unfixable, unworthy, etc. etc.  

nobody had told me it was terrible; i was simply on a self-critical bender, and did the work of convincing myself that it was so. but it was a blow because it was a piece i’d spent a good bit of time writing, and poured lots of emotional/mental energy into, and to sit there and feel as if it was abysmal and thus had to be abandoned didn’t do any favours for my writing esteem. that was also the time i stopped writing, aside from one other piece, because i believed there was something fundamentally lacking about my writing.

about a month ago i revisited the abandoned wip with fresh eyes, having forgotten most of what i’d written. and — to my complete surprise— i found that it wasn’t at all as bad. it was decent, even, and there were some lyrical turns of phrases/paragraphs i was proud of, and i enjoyed reading it. I basically wept as i read it, because suddenly I wasn’t sure why I’d convinced myself it was irredeemably bad, all those months ago, or why I’d been so harsh to myself.

(around the same time, my partner also told me something that stuck with me— “your writing is good. full stop”— which was a revelation because I’d always thought of my writing more along the lines of “it’ll only hit that mark labeled Good if you do XYZ”. my self-opinion on my writing was essentially contingent upon many arbitrary and constantly changing conditions, which was exhausting. so that was liberating. i realised that if I could just be slightly more confident and go in knowing I was good at some things, already, it would make my writing process a lot more enjoyable and smooth because I’d waste less energy fretting about whether I was hitting those arbitrary standards of Goodness.)

I was convinced my writing was Inherently Bad based on a few arbitrary conclusions (my style differs from what i usually see in X fandom space; therefore it is automatically bad), when more objectively my style was a mix of good and bad. i.e. i do some things well, and some things not as well. which is ultimately natural and common, and nothing to be ashamed of. put very simply, the issue was also that i was giving one too many fucks about mainstream validation. the issue wasn’t necessarily that I wasn’t getting any feedback/response either—I’d gotten a good amount of positive feedback in the past. it was something more endemic, and had to do with how I was so convinced internally of my writing’s low worth that there wasn’t much that external praise could do until I addressed it at the root.

i tried to approach this piece differently, with these issues in mind. I focused on polishing it until I was reasonably happy with it, not until it’d hit some mythic and unattainable standard of perfection. I realized I didn’t care how much quantified reception I got any more (bookmarks, kudos, etc.) because I was simply more excited about Getting It Out There and finally finishing something. I also knew that while it wouldn't necessarily be universally Extremely Amazing, it was decent, and that was good enough for me— and besides, as I was trying to internalize from what my partner had been emphasizing to me, my writing was good regardless of all those external factors (!!). it also felt much, much better to get heartfelt, in-depth feedback from a tiny group of fellow fans whose opinions I valued than to have mainstream approval. my fics (and this one fic I just published) will never be the sort that get 100+ kudos, because I write primarily for f/f rarepairs, but I did send that fic to a few very kind people who offered to read it and their feedback was infinitely more heartening and uplifting than a static kudo.

that leaves me where I am now in terms of my relationship with the fanfic economy and writing. these days, I’m mostly channeling Fiona Apple levels of “I no longer give a shit about reviews”, because attaching myself too firmly to the headwinds of ao3 approval briefly destroyed me. I give significantly less of a damn about mass reception now— even if, or especially because my tastes seem to differ from the fandom’s in terms of writing style and content. i’m more intent on having fun and doing whatever i want. if you’re someone who wants to aim for mass appeal and quantifiable metrics, that’s totally fine— none of this is meant to be a slight against how you approach writing. I simply think it’s a losing game if you’re in as insecure a place as I was previously, and that it was tremendously unhealthy for me.

I’m also moving these days towards cultivating greater community/communality in my fandom endeavours. it takes work and active participation but makes for a far more rewarding fandom experience, I’ve found. what’s more crucial to me-- over asynchronous, one-way and ultimately slightly superficial validation in the form of kudos/likes-- is reciprocity and communal conversation with other fans. and i’m very lucky that in the past few weeks, i’ve gotten a lot closer to a bunch of like-minded fans, with whom i can exchange detailed feedback and enter into meaning conversations about canon/our favourite characters. I write these days less to appeal to some imaginary, amorphous public and more for the enjoyment of friends/other kindred acquaintances whose minds i respect and admire far more. if you only ever receive one-way echoes, that’s extremely lonely-- but if you get to hear that echo turn back, get to hear some other input building upon what you said and not simply replicating it, that becomes something generative. and life-giving.

TLDR: the real fandom was the friendships, community and stable self-worth we forged along the way, not the superficial metrics of glancing validation. 

TLDR 2: i’m learning that there are many acceptable valences between the extremes of “this writing fucking sucks” and “this is my magnum opus which i’ve sweat a blood transfusion for”, that are okay for one’s writing to occupy.

[thomas-mvller]

Tag games x 283129

Hello everyone so uh lately i've started to be more active on my music sideblog which means i've been hearting stuff like crazy for the past couple of months aka all the things i've been tagged in has been buried under all that nonsense SO because i hate leaving things undone i thought on doing them all at once and tagging a bunch of people so they can get a little distraction by doing them (as in, not all of them but whichever they might want to do)

Again: you do not have to do all of them, not even one if you don't feel like doing so! there's a game for everyone so hey!

Tagging: @havertsz @foreverbayern @germanynts @sherlockisonfire @debushit @sadiiomane10 @miasanmuller @elishamanning @abcde-fc @bbjim @littletentaclemonster @tamtam-elizabeth @minimalloss @pearfight and whoever wants to do this! if you see it, consider yourself tagged >:))

Alright, here we go:

1) I was tagged by @/tamtam-elizabeth and @/sadiiomane10 to post a capture of my lockscreen, homescreen and last song i listened to. Thank you both <3

I used to be very annoying when it came to changing my lock/homescreen so now i just don’t do that often anymore (previous to that my homescreen was a pic of lfc winning ucl OBVIOUSLY) also i haven’t really been listening to music lately but i did have a depeche mode phase like two weeks ago and this was the song i replayed the most so hey!

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2) “Get to know me” tag

Tagged by the always thoughtful @/tamtam-elizabeth , thank you and i’m sorry for taking so long ;-; <3

Name: Cloud

Birthday: sometime in november

Zodiac Sign: scorpio

Height: 5′4′’ or 1.65 (last time i checked..... which was like seven years ago)

Hobbies: lately it has been sewing facemasks 😂 that aside i like watching movies, random videos on yt, baking and crafting sometimes

Favorite colors: black, red and teal

Favorite Book: don’t think i have one :o

Last Song Listened to: barrel of a gun by depeche mode

Last Movie Watched: currently watching prince of egypt. if that doesn’t count then ben hur 😂

Inspiration or Muse: i really don’t know what to say here 😂

Dream Job: i still haven’t given up to my goal but at this point i just want a job that gives me stability and zero worries

Reason Behind my URL: Thomas Müller (German pronunciation: [ˈtoːmas ˈmʏlɐ]; born 13 September 1989) is a German professional footballer who plays for Bundesliga club Bayern Munich. A versatile player, Müller plays as a midfielde- okay no in all seriousness yess this url is bc of a football player 😂

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3) Ten songs playlist tag

Tagged by the joy that is @/foreverbayern and the always sweetest @/havertsz . thank youuuuu <3

Rules: We’re snooping through your playlist. Put your entire music library on shuffle and list the first 10 songs and then choose 10 victims.

Some months ago I made the mistake of transfering the songs i had in my old computer to my current laptop and there are some stuff that just........ should not be acknowledged so i can’t do shuffle HOWEVER i will choose ten random songs i’ve listened to/discovered this year (technically speaking is the same) so here it is:

art-i-ficial by x-ray spex

sunny afternoon by the kinks

desire lines by lush

paper cuts by incubus

pure love by hayley williams

spirit by bauhaus

no one knows by screaming trees

let’s love by suho

all we need is a dream by cheap trick

cosmonauts by fiona apple

bonus: you’re so close by peter murphy (god i adore this song)

I wouldn’t be surprised if these aren’t your cup of tea tbh 😂

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4) “Core aesthetic” tag

Tagged by @/havertsz - i’m sorry for the delay ;-; and thank you <3

rules: search your name + "core aesthetic" on pinterest, get a moodboard & select a few photos that come up

i can’t really use pinterest so i googled it instead, as you might’ve guessed this is what i got 😂

ps: i’ve been informed not to use pinterest so if you wish follow this post’s indications

ah this is so pretty, i loved doing this!

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5) 

Tagged by @/germanynts @/havertsz and @/elishamanning to do this tag, thank you all <3

rules: describe yourself with pictures you already have saved. no downloading or searching for new ones. then tag 10 people.

if you want further explanations for each pic... ask ahead 😂

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6) “bold what applies” tag

Tagged by the always enJoyable @/foreverbayern, thank yoooou <3

rules: bold what applies to you and tag a bunch of people

- Appearance

I am over 5’5 // I wear glasses/contacts // I have blonde hair // I prefer loose clothing over tight clothing // I have one or more piercings (had three...) // I have at least one tattoo // I have blue eyes // I have dyed or highlighted my hair // I have gotten plastic surgery // I have or had braces // I sunburn easily // I have freckles // I paint my nails // I typically wear makeup // I don’t often smile // I am pleased with how I look  // I prefer Nike to Adidas // I wear baseball caps backwards

- Hobbies and interests

I play a sport // I can play an instrument // I am artistic // I know more than one language // I have won a trophy in some sort of competition // I can cook or bake without a recipe // I know how to swim // I enjoy writing // I can do origami // I prefer movies to tv shows // I can execute a perfect somersault // I enjoy singing // I could survive in the wild on my own // I have read a new book series this year // I enjoy spending time with my friends // I travel during school or work breaks // I can do a handstand

Relationships

I am in a relationship // I have been single for over a year // I have a crush  // I have a best friend I have known for ten years // my parents are together // I have hooked up with my best friend // I am adopted // My crush has confessed to me // I have a long-distance relationship // I am an only child // I give advice to my friends // I have made an online friend // I met up with someone I have met online

- Aesthetic

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell // I have watched the sunrise // I enjoy rainy days // I have slept under the stars // I meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // I enjoy the smell of the beach // I know what snow tastes like // I listen to music to fall asleep (i did that for a long time and i sicnerely don’t recommend it) // I enjoy thunderstorms // I enjoy cloud watching // I have attended a bonfire (quick story time: one time when i was 12 my friends and i sneaked into our seniors’ school anniversary activities and they lit this huge bonfire near the football field, it was nuts) // I pay close attention to colours // I find mystery in the ocean (spoopy shit) // I enjoy hiking on nature paths // Autumn is my favourite season

- Miscellaneous

I can fall asleep in moving vehicles // I am the mom friend // I live by a certain quote(s) // I like the smell of sharpies // I am involved in extracurricular activities // I enjoy Mexican food // I can drive a stick-shift // I believe in true love // I make up scenarios to fall asleep // I sing in the shower // I wish I lived in a video game // I have a canopy above my bed // I am multiracial // I am a redhead // I own at least 3 dogs

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my god this is getting embarassing i had stuff long due ;-;

7) 

Tagged by @/tamtam-elizabeth. think you for thanking on me when doing tag games, i mean it :-: <3

How old are you?: 24

Surgeries?: one

Tattoos?: none yet ://

Ever hit a deer?: i have never seen one so... no 😂

Sang karaoke?: yeah... years ago 😂

Ice skated?: nope

Ridden a motorcycle?: had the chance but nope

Ridden in an ambulance?: nope

Skipped school?: a handful of times

Stayed in a hospital?: for a few hours

Broken bones?: nope

Last phone call?: i haven’t called anyone in ages 😂

Last text from?: my mom

Pepsi or coke?: coke but i don’t mind having pepsi

Favorite pie?: haven’t had one

Favorite pizza?: chorizo + corn + red pepper

Favorite season?: autumn

Received a ticket?: don’t even know how to drive

Favorite color?: black, red and teal

Sunset or sunrise?: both!

Favorite Christmas song?: don’t think i have one, maybe universe by exo?

Cupcakes or cookies?: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh good q, cookies?

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8) “find your match” tag game

Tagged by @/tamtam-elizabeth, you’re allowed to punch me in the face at this point

Rules:

Take the test

Reblog this post with what type you got

Tag 7 mutuals to do the same!

I got the Dreamer and my ideal partner would be The Innovator ?)

Seek out opportunities to collaborate with INNOVATOR types, who combine your lofty idealism with a focus on pragmatic solutions. The grounding energy of the INNOVATOR can inspire you to apply your imagination to real-world change.

that’s deep fam 😂 but okay!

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9) “get to know me tag”

Tagged by: @/littletentaclemonster . thank you and sorry for the delay ;-; <3

nickname: cloud zodiac: scorpio height: 5′4″ / 1.65 last movie I saw: can you believe i managed to watch another thing while making this? anyway it was The celluloid closet last thing I googled: block site extension favorite musician: as of right now? depeche mode song stuck in my head: you’re so close by peter murphy other blogs: @/brltpop and @/s-lay-ing amount of sleep: as long as i can get (usually 7 or 8) lucky numbers: don’t think i have one dream job: whatever gives me stability what am I wearing: pajamas  favorite food: chinese, mexican and italian language: which ones do i know? spanish and english somewhat. i want to learn japanese and german :c can I play an instrument: nope favorite song: atm is YOU’RE SO CLOSE (8) random fact: my nails usually grow sort of square except for my thumb and index fingers, they grow round for whatever reason describe yourself in aesthetic things: ?????????? idk man, messy room? loose clothes? football? cd’s on a shelf, posters on the walls ?????

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MY GOD WHY AM I LIKE THIS????????? 

10)

Tagged by @/littletentaclemonster you too can punch me in the face

Rules: Bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

AIR: I have small hands • I love the night sky • I watch small animals and birds when I pass them by • I drink herbal tea • I wake to see dawn • The smell of dust is comforting • I’m valued for being wise • I prefer books to music • I meditate • I find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE: I don’t have straight hair • I like to wear ripped jeans • I play an organized sport  • I love dogs • I am not afraid of adventure • I love to talk to strangers • I always try new foods • I enjoy road trips • Summer is my favorite season • My radio is always playing

WATER: I wear bracelets on my wrists • I love the bustle of the city • I have more than one set of piercings • I read poetry • I love the sound of a thunderstorm • I want to travel the world • I sleep past midday most days • I love dimly lit diners and fluorescent signs • I rewatch kids’ shows out of nostalgia • I see emotions in colors not words

EARTH: I wear glasses/contacts • I enjoy doing the laundry • I am a vegetarian • I have an excellent sense of time • My humor is very cheerful • I am a valued advisor to my friends • I believe in true love • I love the chill of mountain air • I’m always listening to music • I am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER: I go without makeup in my daily life • I make my own artwork • I keep on track of my tasks and time • I always know true north • I see beauty in everything (sort of) • I can always smell flowers • I smile at everyone I pass by • I always fear history repeating itself • I have recovered from a mental disorder • I can love unconditionally

Water an aether huh, i don’t know what to do with this information 😂

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if you ask me i would very much appreciate it if you do the songs playlist tag bc i need recommendations thanks. Also massive apologies to the ones that were due since last year I had them in my drafts i swear!

Stay safe everyone :D

[youcanblogifyouwantto]

Biff’s Year in Music

2020 what can I say… I feel like this meme summed up the first half of it pretty well.

https://cheezburger.com/12209157/ant-man-meme-gives-a-recap-of-all-the-horrors-of-2020-so-far

Then to top it off this last week my son developed a spontaneous pneumothorax which basically is a collapsing of his lung for no apparent reason other than he is a tall thin white adolescent. To make matters worse he is 18 and COVID is raging in all the hospitals.  Thankfully my wife is an RN and should have been a lawyer as she was able to argue her way into staying with him.  Good thing she did because one the doctors fucked up so bad she gave him another Pneumothorax by turning a valve a wrong way.  Needless to say it has been a very rough year and especially rough week for me and my family.  Music has been and always will be the only constant positive release for me.  2020 had some great music and being home for almost an entire year now has led to a lot of music consumption.  The only other thing I did almost as much as listen to music was drink and cook food to match what I was drinking.  I’ve always loved beer and wine and dabbled in Whiskey but this year was the year of the cocktail for me.  I would discover a new alcohol type and then plan crazy elaborate dinners that cocktail would either be an aperitif of digestif for. Fun yes, healthy? …That is yet to be determined. I did take up running again to counter the amount I was drinking and eating and I would say that I have consistently worked out more this year than any other year so my liver might be fucked but my heart and lungs are strong.

So to start it off, this year saw releases from some of my all-time favorite musicians that I found nice and good even but never clicked or haven’t yet.  I had been eagerly anticipating Matt Berninger’s solo release all year and I dig it but strangely not enough to return to it unless I purposely tell myself to.  The same goes for Bright Eyes, Real Estate, Sylavan Esso, Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever minus Cars in Space (I played the shit out of that song), Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Car Seat Headrest, Dirty Projectors, Sufjan Stevens, Laura Marling (on first listen I thought easy top for the year then Fiona Apple came out and I haven’t returned to Laura Marling since), Damien Jurado, Jason Isbell, Neil Young (Homegrown had a special place in my heart for a month but again haven’t returned since August), Future Islands, Kevin Morby, and Busta Rhymes. All of these albums I do not hate or even dislike in fact some I liked a lot at first but just didn’t have staying power.  The following list are albums I loved that some stayed all year in rotation. Not in particular order but kinda like a Coachella poster if it’s near the top it’s one of my favorites of the year. I can be very longwinded on paper and very brief in person so I will try my antisocial tendencies to describe these albums. I will say for the most part the albums that hit this year are like comfort food music for my soul.

Waxahatchee  - St. Cloud – Home, comfort, introspective

Phoebe Bridgers – Punisher – Witty, production, great voice

Run The Jewels – RTJ4  - best running album ever. My favorite from these guys and best rap album I’ve heard in a while.

Jeff Tweedy – Love is the King. Maybe blasphemy but I like better than Warm. Perfect example of music comfort food. His biography is great too and so is the Summer teeth deluxe reissue.

Fleet Foxes – Shore – Beautiful, peaceful everything I needed from them and more. Side note Helplessness Blues was the first album review I ever wrote for ATR and I’m so glad I found those guys! Thank you for continuing the tradition.

Jeff Rosenstock – NO DREAM There was some good punk rock this year but this was the best also great running music. Rosenstock is now my go to for punk

Taylor Swift- Folk Lore- Story Telling, Sweater music, more music comfort food. And now Evermore continues the greatness. Dorothea might be my favorite track from both records. If you would have told me a Taylor Swift album would be in my tops for the year a couple of years ago I would have laughed you out of my face and now she has two albums in my tops. 2020 is one crazy year!

The Avalanches- We Will Always Love You- I’ve loved every single and was waiting for this to drop before posting this.  Well Worth the wait. I like it better than the Gorillaz release and that is saying a lot. It’s hard to have this many spot on features and keep a cohesive vibe! Johnny Marr meets MGMT is another need more of this collab.

Loma  - Don’t Shy Away- If 2020 could be articulated through music disorienting but also working from home has some perks. Good balance of weird and comfort

Adrienne Leckner – Songs- She writes great songs and performs them immaculately

Muzz- ST – The last show I went to before shutdown was Morrissey with Interpol opening and I forgot how much I love Bank’s voice.  This album is highly underrated in my opinion especially Evergreen.

Gorillaz –Song Machine – Best since Demon Days and Robert Smith/Damon Albarn Collab was never anything I thought I needed but now want more of. When Tony Allen died I went through a deep Tony Allen dive that was quite enjoyable. Great Drummer!

Dinner party – ST – The title explains it better than I can

Against All Logic – 2017-2019 – Kelly Lee Owens and this were the only electronica to stay all year both great running albums and If you can’t do it good do it hard is worth the price of admission alone

Hamilton Leithhauser- The Loves of your life- I love this man and I loved the walkmen. I feel he for me is like Frank Sinatra was for my mom. Not as sweet as a voice but can sing the hell out of a song.

Walter Martin – The world at Night- Another Walkmen member, this is another comfort food album it just feels right in my soul

Ka – Descendants Of Cain – Criminally underrated for too long this dude paints lyrical mood pictures like GZA.

Perfume Genius – Set My Heart On Fire Immediately – Beautiful Authentic Elegant

Fiona Apple – Fetch The Bolt Cutters  - Lyrically and sonically slays me. You have to like spoken word and weird rhythm texture but she nails both of those.

Bonny Light Horseman- ST – Great folk indie I just knew this was an album for me on first listen

Rose city band - Summerlong – Best new discovery, feeds my jam band meets indie soul

Strokes - The New Abnormal – I don’t know why this didn’t get more love? I loved it and The Adults are Talking is top five best Strokes songs.

Pinegrove- Marigold – More indie comfort food music

Bartees Strange – Live Forever – Second best new discovery. This dude is all over the place but in a good way. If you like this check out his singles where he covers many National songs.

Kelly Lee Owens – Inner Song- My Friend Antony described this better than I can at the current moment. Inner songs indeed.

The Killers – Imploding the Mirage- Most surprised album of the year, I’ve never been a big Killers fan but this one just wrapped it hooks inside me and didn’t let go all year

Young Jesus – Welcome to Conceptual Beach- Avant-garde or experimental music stretches me in ways that are very good for my soul and this one was such an album

My Morning Jacket – Waterfall II – Took a trip up to Humboldt in Early August and this was the soundtrack of the trip. Very much needed social distance return to nature vacation.

Hum- Inlet – I rocked out to this many a summer early fall evening sitting on my dock fishing and drinking beer.

Haim- Women in Music Pt. III – Best Haim yet and yes they are maturing into great song writers

Nation of Language- Introduction, Presence – Third best new discovery.. My friend Spencer at Shadows and Noise (a blog I’ve contributed to on occasion) accurately describes this album nicely. My wife loves Depeche Mode, New Order, and Erasure so this album is a new version of that genre that she and I can love together.

Coriky- ST – Half of Fugazi with a female drummer that sounds like classic Sleater Kinney in fact Fugazi meets Sleater Kinney is how I would describe this and that can’t be wrong!

EP’s Singles

James Blake- Before (Great marriage of his old and new)

Kruangbin & Leon Bridges- Texas Sun

Local Natives – Sour Lemon

Radio Dept – The Absence of Birds

Leon Bridges – Sweeter

Tom Berlin – Projections

Father John Misty – To S/ To R

Rostam- Unfold you

 Mank is one of the only great movies of 2020!

[babsxkean]

@twxcethetrouble / @harleenqueenzel / @terra-taramarkov / @poisoned-kisses / @ofrxddles / @atroseisley / @taliaaalghul

gotham’s (f)lawless ladies

listen

link up; tinashe [and i, and i brought some young bad bitches in here, ain’t no room for no mad bitches. call me nashe, houdini, doin’ tricks with a saw. for my next trick, watch me cut these bitches off. yeah, i’m a boss, pink diamond, cuban link, that’s sauce.]

bad girls; m.i.a. [take it, take it, world’s bouncing like a trampoline. when i get where i’m going, i’m gonna have you trembling. live fast, die young, bad girls do it well.]

bitch better have my money; rihanna [pay me what you owe me, ballin’ bigger than lebron. who y’all think you frontin’ on? like blah blah blah, louis xiii and it’s all on me, you just bought a shot. kamikaze if you think you’re gonna knock me off the top.]

criminal; fiona apple [don’t you tell me to deny it, i’ve done wrong and i wanna suffer for my sins. i’ve come to you cause i need guidance to be true, and i just don’t know where i can begin. what i need is a good defense, cause i’m feeling like a criminal.]

hit ‘em up style (oops!); blu cantrell [ladies, when your man wanna get buckwild, just go back and hit ‘em up style. put your hands on his cash and spend it til the last time, for all the hard times. oh, when you go, then everything goes.]

how to be a heartbreaker; marina & the diamonds [girls, we do whatever it will take, cause girls don’t want, we don’t our hearts to break in two. so it’s better to be fake, can’t risk losing in love again, babe. this is how to be a heartbreaker -- boys, they like a little danger.]

you should see me in a crown; billie eilish [you should see me in a crown, i’m gonna run this nothing town. watch me make ‘em bow, one by, one by one, one by, one by one. you should see me in a crown, your silence is my favorite sound.]

money; cardi b [walking past the mirror, ooh, damn, i’m fine. let a bitch try me, boom, hammer time. i was born to flex, diamonds on my neck. i like boarding jets, i like morning sex, but nothing in this world that i like more than checks. money, all i really wanna see is the money.]

i did something bad; taylor swift [if a man talk shit, then i owe him nothing. i don’t regret it one bit, cause he had it coming. they say i did something bad, then why’s it feel so good? you say i did something bad, but why’s it feel so good? most fun i ever had, and i’d do it over and over again if i could.]

bad bitch; bebe rexha feat. ty dolla $ign [you’re not allowed to touch, but you can stare. know it really hurts, know it ain’t fair. so keep sayin’ your prayers. you want a bad bitch, baby, now you have it, now you have a bad bitch. show me you can handle this.]

queen; loren gray [don’t you know i’m dangerous? fire burning in my blood, i got this handled. i don’t need rescuing. you can call me a princess all you like, cause you like to keep me helpless by your side. but it ain’t what i want, i’mma show you how to treat me like a queen.]

survivor; 2WEI [thought i couldn’t last without ya, but i’m lasting. you thought that i’d die without ya, but i’m living. thought that i would fade without ya, but i’m on top. thought it would be over by now, but it won’t stop. thought that i would self-destruct, but i’m still here. even in my years to come, i’m still gon’ be here. i’m a survivor.]

7 rings; ariana grande [been through some bad shit, i should be a sad bitch. who would thought it’d turn me to a savage? rather be tied up with calls and not strings, write my own checks like i write what i sing.]

solo; jennie [you’re sitting on your feelings, i’m sitting on my throne. i ain’t got no time for the troubles in your eyes, this time i’m only looking at me, myself, and i. i’mma do it on my own now, now that you’re alone, got you lookin’ for a clone now. that’s how i’m getting down, destined for this and the crown.]

do it like a dude; jessie j [rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ on you like a pimp, my b-i-t-c-h-e-s on my dick like this. dirty, dirty, dirty sucker, you think i can’t get hood like you, you motherfucker? i can do it like a brother, do it like a dude.]

[coolguycoconutchutney]

shrub @meethapaan tagged me in this quarantine 10 song 10 question thing and I can’t sleep so I’ll do it bc I can

10 quarantine songs (this is just going to be randomly pulled from my April 2020 playlist (yes I’m aware it’s not April yet I usually start the next months playlist a few days early so I don’t add a new song to a current months playlist and miss out on it I just overestimated how much of March had passed and I accidentally started it on like the 14th but whatever))

1. Manners - Ashnikko

2. sriracha- bbno$

3. The Blinding ft Travis Scott - Jay Electronica

4. White Ferrari - Frank Ocean

5. Franklin the Flirt - Porches

6. Paper Bag - Miss Fiona Apple

7. Kerosene! - Yves Tumor

8. Hit My Phone ft Kehlani - Megan Thee Stallion

9. Let’s Pretend - Del Water Gap

10. Stressed - UPSAHL

Okay question time

Are you staying home from work/school?

Technically I’m between school and work rn so no but I am staying home.

If you’re staying home, who is with you? 

My parents and my thoughts

Who would be your ideal quarantine mate?

My fwiends or at least maybe someone my age it would be nice to have conversation with someone my age and I’m really bad at initiating phone calls so I don’t ever bother calling my friends rn

Are you a homebody?

This is a good question. The first couple months of this year yes because I was trapped in a cycle of not going anywhere so I can work on my senior project and then I don’t do my senior project so I just sat at home not getting anything done. But like ideally, I like being out and about and seeing things I just (im so sorry) hate the mall so much and window shopping but I just want to sit around and hang out w my friends and do stuff like watch bad media and so ouid oeffects and play games and I also really want to go to the club and be a th*t

An event you were looking forward to that got canceled?

Hee hee hoo hoo a good question. Well. Starting my JOB and MOVING OUT for one. Well. I honestly don’t know the state of my job rn. Because I emailed the recruiter last week and when I looked her up on LinkedIn today she doesn’t even work there anymore and no one told me and so I emailed their offer ops directly today and I’m waiting to hear back from them and I haven’t really heard much from them so I’m so excited for them to say oh haha you were never actually hired actually Hee hee hoo hoo. Also idk if I would have been gone by then but the gayng had tickets to 100 gecs. Also tinos birthday. I just miss my friends dog. Also I was going to meet up w this nice man and watch train to busan. He asked me to go on a run w him yesterday and it would have been fun but you know social distancing :/

What movies have you watched recently?

I have like 0 energy to watch any movies. I like movies and like thinking about them and stuff but I just have 0 available emotional energy to watch them. But I think I last watched he’s just not that into you. And I think the jumanji movies on the plane. And I saw this Malalayalam movie in theaters called varane avashyamund, which pleasantly surprised me in terms of how malayalam movies go.

What shows are you watching?

Nothing really, Tiger King and bits and pieces of Family Karma when my mom watches it. I rewatched season 2 of American Vandal last week it’s a shame it got cancelled it was a genuinely good show, shout out Italian king jaboukie for writing on it

What music are you listening to?

God I don’t really listen to a lot of music rn idk why but a lot of Fiona Apple and Ashnikko. Also I put tik tok songs on my running playlist so that.

What are you reading? 

I just finished 1Q84 and Into the Dreamhouse, and I’m looking for something new to start so if anyone has recs hmu pleaseeeee I think I should start Interpretor of Maladies wams recommended to me in December. Someone also recommended Acheron to me.

What are you doing for self-care? 

Uhhh I’ve been drawing a lot, I’m pretty shit ngl but I’m just practicing to you know, not be shit. I’m actually making terrible 1Q84 fan art rn kms. I’ve also been going on my daily state sanctioned runs and doing my home workouts (shout out miss chloe ting) and jumproping. I’ve been talking to my friends when I can remember. I think I’m going to start this udemy class I got on sale a month ago on front end development so my brain doesn’t completely dissolve

Uhhhh I really dont give a shit if you do it or not I did this because I have insomnia but uhh do this if you want

@cherrybutchh @pocketful-of-mumbles (wams i don’t know why I tag you in things i know you don’t do them I get it but why do I tag u) @queer-assthetic @swiing-tree @scramblelikeanegg @cigaretteinthemouth (hi we never talked before but I see ur @ in my notifications and we’re mutuals so hi if you don’t want to do this it’s really fine)

[backwashhoneypot]

6/2/2019

“Oh Honey”

It’s the song I play to feel loved

I close my eyes, pretend I’m in the lap of a lover

The sun just went to bed for the night

The moon is at her most powerful peak in the sky

Candles sit on corner tables

encapsulating the moment

Grins sit on our faces

Never wavering

Hands play mindlessly on the small of my back

I don’t have to question the love I feel flowing through your skin and into me

This is how I get away

I open my eyes, the fantasy slips away with the opportunity of requited love

fleeting bliss

the intangible chance to be somewhere else

aside from this dusty garage

I get so lost in this confined place

this simultaneous sanctuary can easily feel like a cage

the air is so still

its hard to breathe

not an ideal place for a bird like me

but grateful nonetheless to have a nest to rest in

however temporary this refuge may be

I feel like a small pile of flesh with a pair of eyes

 in a sea of old possessions

Surrounded by hobbies I felt forced to put down in the past for whatever reason that suited me at the time

I can be super creative

been making more excuses than art lately

a constant reminder of past failed endeavors 

starting to realize you weren't as big of a problem as I made you out to be

I really did create a lot of those issues with my own self serving actions

I wanted my cake

& to eat it too

Here I was trying to project positive thoughts but I feel so fake trying to be anything other than how I really feel on the inside right now

I’m gonna be real right now 

My emotional health is sub par

My Physical health is bad right now

I keep fueling myself with poison after poison

Substance after mind altering substance

Fast food after fast food

value menu diet

I am so addicted to food as a coping mechanism 

(thank you dad)

I can experience anything even the slightest bit emotionally taxing and that will be enough for me to spend my last few bucks I happen to stumble upon in my flat broke stupor

 on satiating that beast 

That “hangry,” sou-less, passive aggressive, flake-Lisa

just another impulsive drive-thru indecision 

Just One Of Those Days...

Right?

I do this thing where I play Russian roulette with my ATM card

anxiety has made its home out of the void in the pit of my stomach

 I seek to fill this hole

“Jennifer,” takes my plastic life preserver out of my hand and swipes

I avoid eye contact with her and put on my best

“I have my shit together,” smile.

I have no idea what my balance must be anymore

But I wont let her know that

And I will play dumb when she tells me it declines

And the cycle will continue

And my pride will keep me

reserved

secretive

struggling

drowning

I have become so comfortable in this rut

My ankles have dried here knee deep in this mud

I can’t move forward, or take any steps back

I can’t restore myself to a healthier time like I can with my slow asf computer

I stay chillen in my denial....

Instead of:

- asking for help

-breaking down

-facing these issues

-going to NA

-going to therapy

-going anywhere

-making any attempts at all to change

( aside from making vague internet posts about this shit )

And I always feel like such a buzzkill when I express this to anyone

I don’t understand why its such a bad thing for me to outwardly make it known that I feel like shit

I don’t understand this second world that my brain creates

I wish my mind would stop being extra

stop working overtime

I have run myself raged 

questioning every little thing

Every single nights a fright

You’re right Fiona Apple

And maybe

All Pain Does Deserve To Be Felt

But I have worked too hard to avoid physically self harming

I thought that there would be more helo with this invisible self harm we all seem to have as a constant

Aren’t we all just wearing at the seams

every time we lie

or don’t say how we really feel

we fuck without feeling

we eat until we’re full or when we are bored

we enable on another

we seduce

we manipulate

we profit off of someone else

we do a substance in order to function any other way than we normally would

to increase speed, efficiency, endurance

to relax, to eat, to sleep, to function

to think

to feel

to be social.......................

Why aren’t there more people talking about this

Why do I feel so exposed speaking my truth

I’m so ashamed to be abnormal

That’s the thing right there-

WHAT THE FUCK IS NORMAL??

I been trying to decide what words fascinate me most in the English language & I think it would be a tie between:

(normal, standard, average, sane, typical, regular)

These words all represent one common thing

and it is that there will always be that one standard for all things that we will subconsciously compare to

whether we are comparing ourselves, or our possessions, or experiences, or relationships 

Based off of the wisdom, experiences, and knowledge that the individual has acquired in their life

that is what we will compare these aforementioned aspects of life to

forever and always

whether we personally believe in that ideal or not

it is a side effect of being a conscious being

We are programmed that way

Unless we get down to the core of us

Getting the virus

at the root.

Pain.

I thought that was a part of the human experience

Pain, how we express it.

I don’t think there would be art without pain.

Coming back down to Earth-

 I myself, I’m pretty fucking sloppy upstairs

My mind is a creaky floorboard

It won’t shut the fuck up

and with every intrusive thought

there is an act of impulse to follow

even now basking in its own effervescence

a visual attempt to purge what has been eating me up

my thoughts ooze  out a jumbled mess of goo seeping through the keyboard

euphemisms and the over use of hyperbole

ideas that don’t really make sense, cohesion is a preference

I like my poetry like my waterfalls

Wild and chaotic

I want it to hit me hard, and fuck me up

give me shivers

make me think about my actions

reassess expectations

stray from lines, I wasn’t made for them

in these scattered attempts to get through this pain through poetry

Behold I have before me a journal entry (word vomit)

potential slam poem hybrid

This started as a post to vent about my fantasies and how claustrophobic I feel at the moment

Now I feel so free

I do not even care if this whole text is garbage

It exists here now, and not solely inside of me

All art is art

whether it looks/sounds good or not

teaching myself to find value in all of it, otherwise I value none of it

I am not just a poet when I write poetry

It is a way of thinking, a lens in which to see the world

If i try to inhibit that instinct

I might lose sight for life altogether

*Loving yourself unconditionally is such a task

*Staying real through rose colored lenses is such a task

*Acknowledging unhealthy toxic habits we possess is such a task

Today's Affirmation 6/2/2019

I know my intentions

I know when I know better, and I am aware of the consequences that follow my actions

All the while I am aware of how its gonna play out

I shall not stand on yet another shore and watch bridges burn dumbfounded

From here on out,

 I value all of it or none of it

All or Nothing

[studyhallreviews]

[REVIEW] Sorry to Disrupt the Peace

REVIEW: SORRY TO DISRUPT THE PEACE BY PATTY YUMI COTTRELL

This is one of the few books that I’ve purchased in a long time. I bought it because Patty Yumi Cottrell won a 2018 Whiting Award for fiction, which is basically a fancy grant telling her and everyone else that she’s talented. And she definitely is.

This book is really cool. Really intense. Strangely funny. Depressing. Disgusting. Awesome.

When I started this book, only a hundred pages in, someone asked me if my book was good and I said “Yes, it’s very good, but I think I might hate it.” But despite the fact that I thought that I hated it, I kept wanting to read more.

Here’s the thing: this is not a book for everyone. It is a spectacular piece of writing for people that can really relish in that part of it— the writing. This is not a book that you would buy for your Catholic grandmother, for your new neighbor, for your fragile-hearted best friend. They will probably not like it and they will tell you so and then once again your English major depreciates in value in the eyes of those around you.

The story follows Helen Moran, a thirty-something Korean woman with adult acne scraping out a nearly homeless existence in New York. She works as a supervisor at a center for troubled youths. She believes that the way to help these youths is by buying them weed and toiletries and giving them her personal contact information. One day, after waiting for her roommates couch to be delivered, she receives a call that her adopted younger brother has committed suicide. She decides to fly to Milwaukee where he lived with their adoptive parents, and conduct an investigation of what caused him to take his life.

Helen’s voice drives the novel, the way its paced, some parts buzzing with her erratic, manic energy, other parts thick and depressing. It’s not clear if she has a mental illness, as is suggested in her brother’s suicide letter— he suspects that she might be undiagnosed bipolar or schizophrenic— or if she’s just kinda weird. Kinda weird and grieving. Maybe really weird. There’s the scene when she first enters her childhood home to the shock and surprise of her adoptive parents and then proceeds to mop up the rainwater that has brought in, yelling “I could kill a dog with a brick!” when she is finished even though no one is around. That level of weird.

There’s many parts where Helen makes others uncomfortable, behaves inappropriately, or carries out actions that seem so careless that it’s hard to think that they’re not intentional. She kills the funeral flowers, eats a whole cake, harasses her brothers friends and her own family. The book is full of shit, vomit, masturbation, and Fiona Apple, who Helen once followed for a summer tour. As I said before, not the most pleasant reading recommendation.

For a book so messy, my main criticism would be is that the suicide letter makes her brother’s death so neat. I won’t go into the specifics of the letter, but it seems to not fit in this novel that is all over the place and meaningless in the most human way.  Helen’s task of conducting an official investigation into the matter seems like a coping mechanism, so why can she come to such a concrete result?

The only way that I can reconcile this easy grab is that the whole novel kinda focuses on how we handle terrible things in the world and how we keep on living by comparing Helen to the people around her. The letter and her brother’s way of making his death tidy is just another way that he is different from Helen. Helen, though she too admits to looking into the abyss and sometimes wanting to die, has something inside of her that makes her want to stay alive. Her brother never had that.

As much as it’s about grief and death, it also hits on family, race, mental health, poverty, and charity in a ton of interesting ways. I think a lot of books and movies paint adoptive parents in a totally positive or totally negative light, and this was an interesting mix of both. Helen’s problems with her, as she always refers to them, adoptive parents didn’t come from wanting to know about her birth mother and there wasn’t any sort of abuse, but she wasn’t eternally grateful to them for having adopted her either. At the heart of it, Helen knows that her adoptive parents didn’t understand her or her brother, and didn’t really try. She angrily writes to them once while she’s in college: “There is a world and history of nonwhite culture.” She reflects on how she and her brother both prayed to wake up white.

But as much as Helen thinks she has grown up misunderstood, which she undoubtedly has, it’s not like this has given her any sort of insight in understanding others. It’s pushed her to be less understandable, maybe; she lives a fringe lifestyle while not actually living on the fringes of society. Briefly, she’s a bizarre performance artist in Milwaukee, and then she’s living a weird almost homeless existence in New York by just finding all of her clothes and belongings on the street. She thinks that she understands her troubled youths, but really she just gets them high and behaves inappropriately with them. She shows them The Red Balloon because she thinks they are so troubled that they have never seen a balloon before. She acts like she knows so much about her brother and her parents and her family, when in reality there are so many points in the novel where she is so far off the mark that you want to slap her and tell her to look at what’s happening around her.

Her dad gets one really redeeming moment, when he’s talking about his last night with her brother and then even expressing some emotion to her about how it makes him feel and how he blames himself and, where it could be a redeeming moment for Helen too, she barely notices it, barely notices her fathers attempt at emotional proximity. But maybe that’s a testimony to how many times there are chances at redemption around us that we don’t even realize.

In the end, this book, while thoroughly sad, leaves you with a feeling that there are reasons to stay alive. Helen comes to this conclusion and drags the reader there with her. It’s honestly a completely wild ride for a plot that only spans over four days and it’s definitely worth checking out. If you immediately hate it, don’t stop because it gets better. The things you hate about it don’t go away, but you start to like them.

[atmickeywhite]

2020 Favorite Albums

Hi friends,  So each year, I put together a list of 50 or so of my favorite albums on Twitter. This year, I’m shifting that to tumblr and using words, etc.. And fortunately, I took a long enough break from playing Wu-Tang in Brittany’s car to listen to new music. So a bit on music -- staying current on new music, making playlists, sharing with friends and learning the history has always had its way of cementing my memories. It’s been a great way to recall dreary bus rides and summer walks around Portage Park, the loneliness of working nights and the utter joy is was to become adults with Desirae.  2020 cranked the existential shit to 11.  In January, I had moved after a brutal 14-month situation in my last apartment. In February, my childhood friend’s little sister passed away. In March, the lockdowns happened. In April, I got fired. In May, I decided to move out of state. I spent a third of June traipsing around Chattanooga before finally moving there in mid-July. August was filled with impossibly long bike rides in the Georgia rain and summer heat. September was the heart of a frustrating job search and extensive dental work. COVID came roaring back in October. My anxiety caught up to me really hard in November and December hasn’t had the greatest start, either. That’s not to speak on what the homies went through this year, and it was a lot. But we keep it pushing.  The point is that life is constantly kicking our ass and these are fifty albums that helped me get some reprieve from all of that, whether is was listening or sharing or just going back and forth with Tyler about what’s new and relevant. To that end, this year saw the cementing of Griselda is a legacy street rap act, the rise of HAUS of ALTR as a preeminent techno label and surprise turns from artists that exist in a staid major-label milieu (Dua Lipa, Lil’ Uzi Vert). Stalwarts like Sada Baby, Shinichi Atobe, Angel Marcloid and Actress stayed on repeat. Jazz, metal and folk weirdos rear their head from time to time. Acts peaked and self-destructed. I left the individual writing of the albums to people get paid to be better than me at this stuff. History, context and a feel for what the albums sound like is more useful than me painting a picture of what riding your bike around Lookout Mountain with no breaks is like.  If you check any of these out and like what you hear, I highly encourage you to buy (directly from the artist’s Bandcamp page, if applicable). And remember, taste is built in cars, not in large public places.  25 Honorable Mentions: Anunaku - Stargate Anz - Loos In Twos (NRG) Arbor Labor Union - New Petal Instants Conway The Machine - From a King to a God Drive-By Truckers - The New OK Duval Timothy - Help Eartheater - Phoenix: Flames Are Dew Upon My Skin Eiko Ishibashi - Impulse of the Ribbon Fiona Apple - Fetch The Bolt Cutters Four Tet - Sixteen Oceans Gabriel Garzon-Montano - Aguita GB - 186.22 Ian William Craig - Red Sun Through Smoke Jerry Paper - Abracadabra  Kali Uchis - Sin Miedo Lucinda Williams - Good Souls, Better Angels Machinedrum - A View of You Margo Price - That’s How Rumors Get Started Mary Lattimore - Silver Ladders MJ Guider - Sour Cherry Bell Park Hye-Jin - How can I Quelle Chris / Chris Keys - Innocent Country 2 Ringo Deathstarr - Ringo Deathstarr Soul Glo - Songs To Yeet At The Sun Trees Speak - Shadow Forms

50 - A Pregnant Light - You Cannot Pour From An Empty Vessel "These songs were written and recorded in 2017, and in a haze of... well, just imagine the bad sort of things that cause a haze over one's life. These songs were lost. In the process of cleaning out some tapes and recording sessions, these songs were found and completed in 2020. It's a bridge between where APL was three years ago, and now. It was so strange to hear these forgotten songs and go in and finish them. It was like collaborating with a person I used to know. It was an odd experience, but turned out fruitful." - A Pregnant Light Bandcamp Page 49 - Rian Treanor - File Under UK Metaplasm "We hardly need any convincing on the quality of Rian Treanor's productions as he's been completely unfuckwithable from day one, but "File Under UK Metaplasm" is still next damn level.Rian bashed out the initial demos on returning from a trip to Uganda in 2018 for Nyege Nyege Festival. Inspired by the producers he'd collaborated with in Kampala, he switched up his workflow and began jamming out ideas at higher tempos, harnessing the energy of singeli music without simply carbon copying the style. Initial sketches were eventually fleshed into proper tracks and tested on audiences (and on soundsystems) around the world where Rian could assess the power of each element.It was worth the hard work, the result is a fiery set of tunes that sound like everything at once and nothing at all. Opener 'Hypnic Jerks' is ragged kick-bubbling 200-bpm club on secondment to Tanzania; 'Vacuum Angle' is wobbly DMT-step that sounds like an attempt to use aging educational computer software to power the Stargate; 'Mirror Instant' is shuffling bassline house kicked up to 45rpm; 'Opponent Process' is EP7-era Autechre with the fun switch turned on; 'Debouncing' is double-speed grime that glides into parts unknown. By the time the album reaches a close on 'Orders From The Pausing', a melancholic gabber tune with an almost inverted, whisper-soft kick (?), Rian suddenly introduces reverb to the mix, just because he can.Peerless, unfathomably inventive electronic music from the North of England, via East Africa - fucking essential." - Boomkat Product Review 48 - Sex Swing - Type II “Fuck,” I thought when I first heard it. “This really, really rocks.” - Adam Lehrer, The Quietus

47 - Yves Tumor - Heaven to a Tortured Mind

"In that way, Heaven to a Tortured Mind is the most straightforward record in Tumor’s catalog. It’s an album with commercial, or at least mass, appeal in mind. And it seems to confirm something Tumor hinted at in a 2016 interview about their musical aspirations: “I only want to make hits. What else would I want to make?” The product of this ambition is a gratifying and intense record, one whose pleasures are viscerally immediate. Above all, it’s loads of fun to watch Tumor don the guise of a devilish rockstar. It’s not exactly a new archetype in our cultural imagination, but the ravishing delight Tumor brings to this character is what makes their music so affecting. Yves is a performer whose roles, played with the utmost rigor, always find a way to linger in the memory." - Kevin Lozano, Pitchfork

46 - DJ Taye - PYROT3K

"Pop music moves fast: new instructional-dance songs, new Drake songs, and new instructional-dance songs by Drake can bombard the zeitgeist one week and all but evaporate the next. Footwork, the lightning-fast Chicago-born house subgenre, is well suited to capture that frenetic pace. Young footwork master and Teklife member DJ Taye instinctively understands how to combine footwork’s adrenaline rush with the pop’s euphoric glee to build tracks with a distinctive energy. Last month he self-released Pyrot3k, the third entry in the Pyrotek mixtape series he launched in October. On the latest volume—also available in a deluxe version called Pyrot3k (SS)—he focuses on blissful melodies and antsy samples. On “Gang,” for example, he loops a snippet of JackBoys’ “Gang Gang” into a hypnotic koan at a speed that makes the original sound like it’s stuck in the mud. Several of Taye’s friends, including Teklife members DJ Earl and Heavee, join in on the fun, and I’m especially partial to his collaboration with Night Slugs label owner James Connolly, aka L-Vis 1990. On “Parade Float,” the two producers whimsically intertwine Morse code beeps and battering-ram gabber-style kick drum to manifest a cartoonish energy that seems to gather itself and balloon outward during the song’s tiny silences. - Leor Galil, Chicago Reader

45 - Hudson Mohawke - Poom Gems

"At the moment, nothing can stop Hudson Mohawke. After a hiatus from his solo work, the Scottish producer started his summer by releasing his first single under his HudMo title since 2016, “BENT” with JIMMY EDGAR. Since then, he’s only upped the ante, with his inexhaustible activity culminating in his first solo LP in four years, Big Booty Hiking Exhibition. Now, HudMo is back with his second album in a month’s time.

Poom Gems can be thought of as a companion album to Big Booty Hiking Exhibition, as both comprised previously unreleased tracks that Mohawke has been sitting on. Like Big Booty Hiking Exhibition, Poom Gems ranges from some of HudMo’s most off-the-wall beats yet to his classic, unreplicable, and bombastic sound, though as a whole, Poom Gems is more accessible than it’s predecessor. After almost no announcement before Poom Gems‘ release, only one question remains: how much more is to come amid Mohawke’s return?" - Mitchell Rose, Dancing Astronaut

44 - Shinichi Atobe - Yes

"The stately, melodic techno and deep house made by Shinichi Atobe—a resident of Saitama City, just north of Tokyo—puts me in mind of his country's devotion to orderly calm. One of two non-European artists to appear on Basic Channel's legendary Chain Reaction imprint, Atobe took 13 years off before the archival Butterfly Effect album arrived via DDS in 2014. His re-emergence into the dance music world has been one of the decade's most welcome surprises.

Yes is his fifth album for DDS. Demdike Stare states their communication with Atobe is limited to a CD that arrives in the post every so often, "no words except for the track titles." The first circulated photo of Atobe was included with the Yes CD-R, perhaps to quell rumors Shinichi Atobe is an alias of another Chain Reaction artist. He's never granted an interview.

He doesn't need to. Each Atobe album feels like the latest installment in a serial novel, a body of work mysterious in its ability to mix calm rhythms and atmospheres with achingly beautiful melodies. As usual, Yes will sate the small group of obsessives that smash the pre-order on each new Atobe album. He's nearly always in top form. The title track's hopeful mix of synth and house-y piano stand up to Atobe's other melodic classics "Heat 1" and "The Butterfly Effect." "Lake 3" contains Atobe's most boisterous synth theme to date, the '90s Carl Craig-esque figure mixing with Atobe's signature sad piano and, in a novel twist, hand drums.

The progression in Atobe's work is incremental. Beyond the title-track, Yes mostly does away with the classy, tech house-style snap prevalent on 2018's Heat. For an artist that emerged as a model of consistency, Atobe takes a surprising amount of left turns. The closing cut "Ocean 1" is Atobe's placid take on a synth-funk jam. The opener "Ocean 7" is beatless, with hectic arpeggios. In the background of that track, there's a peaceful drone that runs throughout. A similar tone runs in the background on the entirety of "Lake 3." These touches imbue Atobe's sonic world with its own concept of gaman, enveloping the listener in an eerie sense of calm." - Matt McDermott, Resident Advisor

43 - Various Artists - HOA 012

"Did you think we were done?

The story is not over, but only beginning. HOA012, We come together as a unit, to continue our story. A story that needs to be told. For those of you just joining us, welcome. For those of you returning, welcome back. Now fully on the path, we march toward a future of unabashed black electronic expression." - HAUS of ALTR bandcamp page

42 - Garcia Peoples - Nightcap At Wits' End

"New Jersey-based avant-jam band Garcia Peoples were a little slow to take shape, but after the release of their excitable 2018 album Cosmic Cash, they switched into overdrive. Constant live performances, residencies, concert documents, and prolifically recorded studio albums tracked a creative development that morphed from record to record. The group took cues from the open-ended improvisation of classic jam band acts like Phish and the Grateful Dead, but also incorporated dual-guitar wizardry on par with Television or, in their more Southern-fried moments, the Allmann Brothers. For their 2019 album One Step Behind, the band expanded to a six-piece lineup and added avant-jazz touches to the equation as they stretched out over the course of a half-hour-long title track. With Nightcap at Wits' End, Garcia Peoples shift gears yet again, with a set of neatly composed and relatively concise tunes that distill their wandering impulses into easily digestible forms. This can take the form of rowdy prog-lite tunes like album opener "Gliding Through" or the shadowy but mystical folk-rock of "Altered Place." In this more composed rock mode, the band recalls the shadowy mystique of early Bay Area psychedelic giants like Jefferson Airplane as much as they do obscure acts like Anonymous and Relatively Clean Rivers. After a lively start, the album shifts into mellower territory with the drifty "Fire of the Now." "Painting a Vision That Carries" is made up of delicate vocal harmonies and a dynamic structure that goes from controlled acoustic segments to blasting verses and back. As this song burns on into a vamping jam, the band's Dead-like tendencies come to the surface with noodling guitar leads and dazzling group interplay. The second half of Nightcap at Wits' End becomes a string of woozy and meandering pieces that blur into one another in clouds of hazy jamming. Themes resurface as the band shuffles through meditative riffing on "Crown of Thought," Krautrock-y interludes, and the blissfully droning Popol Vuh-esque "A Reckoning." Garcia Peoples' excellent psychedelia manages to recall moments from past masters while still offering a chemistry and composition unique to the band. Nightcap at Wits' End is the most complete articulation of their wide-reaching creative range, and stands as the their most focused and engaging work to date." - Fred Thomas, AllMusic

41 - Nonlocal Forecast - Holographic Universe(s)?

"Angel Marcloid's recordings as Nonlocal Forecast focus the trajectory of a vast catalog squarely in the realm of retro Weather Channel-inspired smooth jazz fusion, intricate prog, and expansive new age experiments. Trading off a measure of the typically overloaded compositional style found in other projects to favor lush atmospheres and relatively pared down arrangements, Marcloid populates Nonlocal Forecast pieces with progressive keyboard and synth harmonies, complex drum programming, and majestic leads performed on guitar, keyboards, and guests' saxophones. The project runs alongside the omni-combinatory works of the flagship project Fire-Toolz and many other monikers including the vapor-focused works of Mindspring Memories. Holographic Universe(s?)!, the second Nonlocal Forecast full-length and the first to be released on vinyl, follows Bubble Universe! with a cycle of songs that elevates Marcloid's grandiose compositions to previously undiscovered heights, while packing the music with dramatic shifts that allow it to journey off into dynamic new directions." - Fatbeats product summary

40 - Black Dresses - Peaceful As Hell

"The Canadian noise-pop duo’s music conjures a psychotic slumber party, or a Second Life rave, but remains grounded in the bittersweet beauty of lifelong friendship. " - Leah Mandel, Pitchfork

39 - Kelly Lee Owens - Inner Song

"Owens’ self-titled debut album played with sounds that felt spiritual, almost new age, like the tablas on “S.O.” and sitar drone on “8.” On Inner Song, that meditative quality comes less from instrumental texture and more from the actual form of the songs. Though she drifts across tempos and dabbles with a variety of drum patterns, loops—both instrumental and lyrical—provide the record’s through line. On “Wake-Up,” life’s circular patterns are made explicit: “Wake up/Repeat again/Again.” Owens writes with clarity and simplicity, using her own voice as something like a synthesizer, processing a phrase and then repeating it as she sings subtle variations in timbre and tone. Her lyrics are, in their own quiet way, a celebration of the pleasures of solitude and self-love." - Nathan Smith, Pitchfork

38 - Pink Siifu - Negro

"The core of NEGRO is defined by its antipathy for police. “DeadMeat” was inspired by a harrowing incident in New York, where a black cop threatened his life for jumping a subway turnstile. Siifu recorded “DeadMeat” the next day, reeling from the fact that someone of his race would treat him with such unmitigated hate. It begins with Siifu repeating the police officer’s threat verbatim and ends with him drawing the distinction between police officers and “pigs.” - Max Bell, Bandcamp Daily

37 - Charli XCX - How I'm Feeling Now

"Our homes have become offices, churches, mutual aid hubs, child- and eldercare centers. Every inch of space has been claimed by a corner of life, worn from multi-purpose use, yet hopefully loved and lived in. But the home — even just one room strung with cheap lights — can also be a refuge to dance through your emotion. how i'm feeling now — an album whose title says everything, and whose music has a rave intimacy that reaches beyond quarantined walls — doesn't just capture the mood, but the modes of our survival. Charli XCX collaborated remotely with trusted producers (A. G. Cook, Danny L Harle) and new ones (BJ Burton, 100 gecs' Dylan Brady), to lean harder into the buzzing-yet-glam-blammed hyper-pop that she's explored in recent years. While the aural abrasion amplifies our collective WTF, turnt up on video chats and pining for reckless nights, the core of how i'm feeling now deepens around the loving bonds forged in close quarters." - Lars Gotrich, NPR Music

36 - Armand Hammer - Shrines

"Shrines boasts a larger roster of producers and featured artists than any of the group’s past work. Many of them were already members of the duo’s tight-knit, avant-garde circle: Curly Castro, Fielded, Kenny Segal, Messiah Muzik, R.A.P. Ferreira, Quelle Chris. A woozy instrumental (“Bitter Cassava”) and verse (“Ramses II”) by Earl Sweatshirt suggest that Armand Hammer could soon extend their reach even further. In this fraught time, the camaraderie on Shrines feels intentional. In 2018, Elucid told Pitchfork that his music is about bringing like minds together, to feel like “we’re fighting against the same evil.” Shrines is a confirmation that the more people who put those sunglasses on, the better." - Christina Lee, Bandcamp Daily

35 - Bad Bunny - Yo hago lo que me de la gana

"From the moment Bad Bunny's sophomore album begins, over a synthesized interpolation of bossa nova staple "The Girl From Ipanema," the Puerto Rican superstar leans heavily on past classics to breathe new life into Latin trap. El Conejo is, for the most part, done missing his ex jeva for now — instead he's dressing up as his female alter ego to call out creeps at the club, de-stigmatizing a particular romantic pursuit on a perreo-fueled symphony, and rocking out to his own success on an emo-trap anthem. YHLQMDLG is an homage to the reggaeton bangers that raised Bunny, complete with collabs from some of the greatest vets in the game, including Daddy Yankee, Ñengo Flow and Jowell & Randy. It's an album steeped in nostalgia for the garage-party-perreo of the early-aughts, but with a modernity that forecasts a bright future for urbano — even one that may find Bad Bunny (if you believe the album title) permanently tapping out. He does what he wants, and he gets away with it, too." - Isabella Gomez Sarmiento, NPR

34 - Popcaan - FIXTAPE

"In its mix form, Fixtape is framed as an epic tale in which Popcaan shares moments along his route to dancehall’s most prominent torchbearers. Instead of starting with the self-produced “Chill,” the SoundCloud version begins with melodramatic piano strokes, almost reminiscent of the theme song to The Young and the Restless. Those key hits grow into a symphonic instrumental adaptation of Popcaan’s 2011 hit “Only Man She Want,” and soon after, the first two non-Poppy voices you hear are a drop from incarcerated icon Vybz Kartel and audio of Drake’s praise at the first Unruly Fest in December 2018. Though even novice Popcaan listeners already know these affiliations, starting the project in this way is like flexing for the mirror, a moment of self-affirmation before proving it to the world. So it makes sense that the first song on this version of the tape, “Killy Dem Crazy,” is Popcaan trying his hand at Nas and Diddy’s Trackmasters-produced classic “Hate Me Now”—the perfect “fuck whoever don’t like it” gesture." - Lawrence Burney, Pitchfork

33 - Drakeo The Ruler - Thank You For Using GTL

"Since the genre's inception, the voice in rap has been sped up, glitched out, chopped and screwed, slowed and reverbed, all to convey textures and feelings that language alone cannot. On Thank You For Using GTL, Drakeo The Ruler's was shrunk to fuzz, transmitted through a jail phone. The intent wasn't to create a mood, but to create something, to continue a career that was snatched away. At the time, Drakeo had spent most of the three years prior in Los Angeles' notorious Men's Central Jail, and nine of those months in solitary confinement, first battling a murder charge he'd be acquitted of, then a gang conspiracy charge that the prosecution built out of his lyrics and music videos. He was suddenly freed in November on a plea deal, days before L.A. county district attorney Jackie Lacey lost her seat to the more progressive George Gascón. His lawyer, John Hamasaki, told NPR that "if the case had been continued to January, it probably would have been dismissed by [Gascón's] office."

Even when transmitted across a scummy phone line, Drakeo's sneer cuts like a knife. Submerged in static and woven over JoogSZN's brooding instrumentals, his raps feel suspended in a constant denouement, transient and purgatorial, as he probes at the suits trying to end his life. "It might sound real, but it's fictional / I love that my imagination gets to you," he raps on the final track. What isn't fiction are the cruel and convoluted circumstances that shaped GTL, that cost its creators thousands of dollars to record while profiting a billion dollar telecom company, and that continue to take lifetimes away from Black men." —Mano Sundaresan, NPR

32 - Nathan Fake - Blizzards

"Blizzards has almost no breaks or meanders, just relentless club music adorned with beautiful melodies. In taking stock of his music and returning to his fundamentals, Blizzards highlights everything Fake is good at: the way his drums tend to dance in between established genres, melodies that sound like a warped Boards Of Canada record, the constant push-and-pull of dark and light. It's more of a reset than a reinvention, a return to the earnest simplicity that made him a wunderkind all those years ago." - Andrew Ryce, Resident Advisor

31 - Dj Diaki - Balani Fou

"The absorption of multiple streams of African electronic music into a western club milieu has been patchy. Where styles like kwaito and gqom have slotted into house and bass idioms, and kuduro has made an impact via diasporic scenes like the one in Lisbon, the harder and faster styles—like Shangaan electro and the emergent singeli sound from Dar Es Salaam—haven't easily found a foothold. When they do appear, they're often an anomalous peak in a DJ set from which it's hard to climb down. But with the current vogue for speedy techno and other hard dance sounds, along with the interest in singeli and other belting East African sounds, Diaki's Crazy Balani couldn't have smashed its way to the dance floor at a better time." - Chal Ravens, Resident Advisor

30 - Caribou - Suddenly

"Dan Snaith’s latest is as sly and layered as ever, but he finds ways to be more direct with his songwriting. There are no bum notes, no wasted motions, no corners of the audio spectrum left untouched. " - Phillip Sherburne, Pitchfork

29 - Deradoorian - Find The Sun

"The LP’s guitar-centric approach is a bit of a surprise, but Deradoorian isn’t a stranger to big riffs. She’s done stints in bands like Dirty Projectors and Avey Tare’s Slasher Flicks; more recently, she’s been ripping it up as the vocalist of BSCBR (aka Black Sabbath Cover Band Rehearsals), filling Ozzy Osborne’s shoes alongside artists like Yeah Yeah Yeahs guitarist Nick Zinner and drumming virtuoso Greg Fox. Find the Sun never reaches Paranoid levels of bombast, but it’s easily her brawniest solo record to date. Songs like “Saturnine Night” and closer “Sun” channel the psychedelic swagger of ’70s giants like the Doors and Led Zeppelin, while the rubbery bassline and surging guitar chords of album highlight “It Was Me” bring to mind the likes of Nirvana and Hole—or at least the times when those bands emulated indie pop groups like the Vaselines and Young Marble Giants.

But Find the Sun shouldn’t be mistaken for an exercise in rock worship. The influence of Can looms large, and Deradoorian’s music is still psychedelic, weird, and seemingly primed for a hallucinogenic trip to the outer recesses of the human psyche. With its motorik groove and dramatic talk-singing, “The Illuminator” sounds like a freaky, nine-minute-long outtake from Andy Warhol’s Factory, while the slinky “Devil’s Market” recalls the space-age lounge music once championed by bands like Stereolab. “Saturnine Night” does feature growling guitars, but they’re paired with an unkempt Krautrock rhythm that could have been pulled from Neu! 2, along with a dramatic, PJ Harvey-esque vocal turn from Deradoorian, who belts out brooding lines like “Innocence/In my death” and, simply, “I die.” - Shawn Reynolds, Pitchfork

28 - Thundercat - It Is What It Is

"Left savoring the tasty morsels of 2017's critically-acclaimed Drunk and 2018's Drank (its "chopped not slopped" remix album), it was an absolute pleasure to sink hungry ears into Thundercat's It Is What It Is this year. The bassist born Stephen Bruner blurs genre boundaries, dishing out dizzying acrobatics on "How Sway," beefy funk vibes on "Black Qualls" (featuring Steve Lacy, Steve Arrington and Childish Gambino) and cheeky R&B hilarity on "Dragonball Durag." Coproduced by longtime collaborator Flying Lotus, It Is What It Is drips with curtains of lush vocals. The album chronicles a broken heart's analysis of grief and its subsequent recovery by asking probing questions and finding joy where it can to survive pain, uncertainty, rejection and isolation. It's an enchanting tale of hope and growth in a year that served us heaping portions of gloom and melancholy" - Nikki Birch, NPR

27 - Against All Logic - 2017-19

"That Beyoncé is the first voice we hear on 2017 - 2019 is instructive of the bold new direction. Hers and Sean Paul's vocals are lifted from "Baby Boy" and layered over a crackling broken beat, an uncanny string-like instrument and inviting synth chords. A sample of Luther Ingram's 1972 soul song "(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want to Be Right" appears on track two, a degraded house cut, thus establishing a template of sorts: 2017 - 2019 is an album of stylistic leaps, radiant melodies, difficult-to-place sounds and red herrings. Back-to-back opening tracks with instantly recognisable sample flips, for example, sets up an expectation of many more to follow. Instead, there are none. That is unless you can spot the source of the hip-hop loop on "With An Addict." Jaar casually filters it into the arrangement to create a half-time contrast with the main drums, a rolling footwork/jungle-style pattern that features percussion reminiscent of the "Apache" break. The poignant, daybreak melody caps a track that bundles the album's strongest qualities." - Ryan Keeling, Resident Advisor

26 - Adrian Younge / Ali Shaheed Mohammad - Jazz Is Dead 001

"Adrian Younge and Ali Shaheed Muhammad both have impressive resumes as purveyors of modern soul, jazz, and hip-hop. Younge, a bassist, keyboardist, composer, and producer, has scored films such Black Dynamite and collaborated with artists ranging from Philly soul legends the Delfonics to Wu-Tang Clan's Ghostface Killah. Meanwhile, Muhammad was a member of A Tribe Called Quest and has worked on various projects outside that group. Together, Younge and Muhammad formed the Midnight Hour, a versatile band that brought a modern edge to retro soul and jazz sounds." - Rich Wilhelm, popMatters

25 - The Soft Pink Truth - Shall We Go On Sinning So That Grace May Increase

"Drew Daniel's latest LP as The Soft Pink Truth, Shall We Go On Sinning So That Grace May Increase, is a stunner that revels in communitas while flirting with house music and ambient tropes" - Bernie Brooks, the Quietus

24 - Jessy Lanza - All The Time

"The early days of writing All the Time, Jessy Lanza's first album since 2016's Oh No, marked a sea change for Jessy and her creative partner Jeremy Greenspan. After Oh No, Jessy left her hometown of Hamilton to go and live in New York. Written long distance for the first time, across Jessy’s new set up in New York to Jeremy’s home studio in Hamilton, and finishing in the recording studio Jeremy had been working on during this period.

Even though the move to New York and the change in remote working was tough, 'All the Time' has turned out to be the most pure set of pop songs the duo has recorded; reflective and finessed over the time and distance they allowed it. Innovative juxtapositions sound natural, such as rigid 808’s rubbing against delicate chords in 'Anyone Around', unusual underwater rushes underpin Baby Love . Jessy’s voice is treated, re-pitched and edited on songs like Ice creamy and gestural sounds seem to respond to her lyrics in songs such as Like Fire.

A lot of these sounds came from live take experiments using semi modular/modular equipment like Mother 32 and Dfam and Moog Sirin. Jessy says ‘We got all of the machines talking to one another and would run patterns through. A lot of the little burps and quacks and squiggles heard on songs like Anyone Around, Like 'Fire', 'Face', and 'Badly' are from those experiments. That’s when I’m having the most fun, making music and improvising through takes of the song and editing together all the best gurgle sounds afterwards’.

More than previously the lyrics on All The Time were an important focus for Jessy, articulating difficult feeling into her outwardly joyful music. ’Anger is a familiar and safe feeling for me. The album became a conversation with myself about why that is. Some songs refer to real and legitimate things to be angry about; 'Lick in Heaven' takes aim at what the culture expects from women. The cynicism I felt towards the people around me kept coming up and All the Time is an exploration into those feelings and a conversation with myself about other possibilities when it comes to my outlook on life.’

As the final elements of the album were being put in place, everything changed overnight. Her European tour was cut short and she flew back to New York quickly, plans for the foreseeable future dissolved. Whatsmore her lease was up on her apartment and she couldn’t find another in New York due to quarantine restrictions, so she packed what she could into her van and drove to San Francisco to be near her family, stopping on the way in increasingly empty motels as she journeyed from coast to coast.

‘Even though All the Time was written in 2019 the themes feel even more relevant now. Like a lot of people,I’m still struggling with the reality that life is hard to predict and it’s even harder not to make the same mistakes over again, trying to control what i’m able to and leave the rest.’ The cover photo of Jessy in her van was taken before these events , but it’s taken on more importance since. ‘Through many changing situations my minivan gives me comfort. It seems like such an American thing to say.m I realise it’s symbolic of a much larger existential struggle in my own life but regardless I wanted it to be a part of the album cover. Sitting in my van made me feel so comfortable and it’s rare for me to feel that.

All the time has ended up being a triumph, channeling difficult feelings into something that has whit energy and style. " - Jessy Lanza bandcamp page

23 - AceMoMA - A New Dawn

"AceMoMA connect back to their NYC forefathers (with nods to techno dons Derrick May and Jeff Mills), while also keeping a healthy disregard for the past, pushing ahead with palpable enthusiasm and energy. As Stevens explained in that same interview, “[As] brown people making dance music… we needed to create context for what we were doing. So we did.” Like the best moments of a night out, A New Dawn feels like instant history and an instant party." - Andy Beta, Pitchfork

22 - Adrianne Lenker - songs

"As a solo artist or with her band Big Thief, Adrianne Lenker has been at or near the top of my year-end lists for the past five years, more so than any other artist. The simultaneous strength and frailty in her voice attract me to her music. Earlier this year, she told NPR's All Things Considered host Mary Louise Kelly, "I was really sad, and I hit a wall — I kind of hit the bottom of myself and went to a pretty dark and sad space for a while. And the music itself, and writing these songs, was a thing that was getting me through it." The songs on songs were birthed in a one-room cabin in Western Massachusetts' mountains and recorded on an old Otari 8-track. We hear acoustic guitar, her voice, the sound of the cabin and whatever bugs and birds happen to be in the background of the poetic paintings she sings. The intimacy is magnetic" - Bob Boilen, NPR

21 - Trees Speak - Ohms

"The act of driving informs the music of Trees Speak, who take cues from the Autobahn-extolling music of classic Krautrock, specifically Kraftwerk. The roads green West Germany led Krautrock pioneers like Kraftwek to produce smooth, seamless electronic rhythms—but the rugged, dusted Sonoran Desert of southern Arizona leads Trees Speak to a more rough hewn electronic sound." - d mittleman, Aquarium Drunkard

20 - 21 Savage / Metro Boomin - Savage Mode II

"Ultimately, though, ‘Savage Mode II’ feels like a throwback: one rapper and one producer focused on a single creative project. Think Eric B and Rakim; Missy Elliot and Timbaland; Method Man and RZA. Their collaborators, such as Drake and Young Thug (the latter on ‘Rich N**ga Shit’, an anthemic rap about their lavish lifestyles), ably support, stepping in occasionally to craft the project into a more well-rounded shape.

‘Savage Mode II’ allows the Atlanta-based MC the space to make his point and cast all nonsense aside, letting his talent speak for itself. Metro Boomin, meanwhile, further showcases his generational abilities. As a whole, the album is confirmation of two young artists at the top of their game, watching the landscape unfold from the throne they earned themselves four years ago." - Dhruva Balram, NME

19 - Various Artists - HOA 010

"Ahead of the dawn, there could only be us...

HAUS of ALTR presents HOA010. Our second compilation, featuring the future of Black electronic music, and as the music as it exist in its current state. In these trying times, we come together to stake claim on the roots of techno and its potential future. Too Black, Too Strong." - HAUS of ALTR bandcamp page

18 - Emma Ruth Rundle / Thou - May Our Chambers Be Full

"Stemming out of an offer from Roadburn Festival organizer Walter Hoeijmakers, mutual acquaintances, and a shared love of each other’s output, May Our Chambers Be Full is the first recorded document of collaboration between Emma Ruth Rundle and Thou. While their solo material seems on its face to be quite disparate, both groups have spent their respective careers lurking at the outer boundaries of the heavy metal scene, the artists having more in common with DIY punk and its spiritual successor, grunge.

May Our Chambers Be Full straddles a similar, very fine line both musically and thematically. While Emma Ruth Rundle’s standard fare is a blend of post-rock-infused folk music, and Thou is typically known for its downtuned, doomy sludge, the conjoining of the two artists has created a record more in the vein of the early ’90s Seattle sound and later ’90s episodes of Alternative Nation, while still retaining much of the artists’ core identities. Likewise, the lyrical content of the album is a marriage of mental trauma, existential crises, and the ecstatic tradition of the expressionist dance movement. “Excessive sorrow laughs. Excessive joy weeps.” Melodic, melancholic, heavy, visceral." - Thou Bandcamp page

17 - Mong Tong - Mystery

"For Mystery秘神, they imagined a version of ancient Asia where all of the continent’s superstitions were real, and wrote a record based on how that world would sound. Their songs usually consist of a lolloping bassline, a snakey guitar lead, and campy synths that could perfectly soundtrack both an ‘80s crime flick and a highly stylized video game. Their sound evokes the simultaneous futurism and nostalgia of vaporwave, and the duo consider it “sample-based” because of the post-production process, in which they cut up, loop, and re-pitch their jam sessions into structured songs. All of the percussion is constructed in Ableton; there are no vocals, but they do include a few soundbites from Taiwanese films and TV shows. (“Chakra,” for example, features a bit of a dialogue about the connection between aliens and Hinduism.)" - Eli Enis, Bandcamp Daily

16 - Sada Baby - Bartier Bounty 2

"His voice is at a-near constant sneer to match the furious pacing until the surprising collaboration with Dej Loaf that showcases a smoother version of the 27-year-old rapper. Street anthems like “Trap Withdrawals” approach standard topics of growing up hustling with bombastic brilliance. “Horse Play 2” even samples Linkin Park’s “In The End” and makes it work. Bartier‘s sequel takes all of Detroit’s current hip-hop momentum and propels it to Super Saiyan-level dominance thanks to Sada Baby’s need to experiment." - Patrick Johnson, Hypebeast

15 - Oranssi Pazuzu - Mestarin kynsi

"Even at nearly an hour in length, the album flies by, dense and vicious and evocative as a novel, as contemplative as the featureless gore of the cover art. I've had this promo for perhaps two full months now; I've listened to it nearly every day since then, often multiple times a day. I've commented before about a spate of records that were battling it out for the number one spot for me this year, and while that number has now expanded, the number then at least was three. One of them was Spectral Lore and Mare Cognitum's incredible progressive black metal split full-length. Another was Sweven's immaculate death metal debut. The third was this.

It's hard to deny that a certain strain of the listenership is right: this isn't black metal anymore. But this is for the best for Oranssi Pazuzu. The past seven years have seen them put out record after record that was better not only than the one before it but of the whole of their work. By Värähtelijä, they were scraping Hall of Fame territory. On Mestarin kynsi, they exceed it." - Langdon Hickman, Invisible Oranges

14 - Sunwatchers - Oh Yeah?

"The album’s title “Oh Yeah?” is at once an homage to Mingus, Thee Oh Sees’ album “Help” (whose Brigid Dawson hand-sewed the tapestry adorning the album’s front cover) and (naturally) the rallying cry of KoolBrave himself - the Kool-Aid Man-as-Braveheart avatar the band adopted as their symbol. The three years since the band’s second album (and TiM debut) “II” was released, has seen the band grace stages across the USA and Europe, enlisting more comrades in their mission of solidarity (sonically speaking) with every show." - Sunwatchers Bandcamp page

13 - Fire-Toolz - Rainbow Bridge

"Rainbow Bridge was made in part as a reflection on the death of Marcloid’s cat Breakfast, which explains in part the way the record swings back and forth between beauty and cacophony. Marcloid’s work as Fire-Toolz has always been about the way that these two emotional poles can coexist, but the way we deal with death is especially complicated. Even the most intense grief is braided with moments of peace and clarity, the beautiful memories of a life well-lived. Rainbow Bridge mirrors the intensity and the confusion of these experiences and shows that even in the direst times, it’s possible to find comfort." - Colin Joyce, Pitchfork

12 - Beatrice Dillon - Workaround

"Chain Reaction meets mid-20th-century minimalism with spectacular results." - Chal Ravens, Resident Advisor

11 - Dua Lipa - Future Nostalgia

At 24, Lipa has been working towards this moment for almost 10 years, and her sights are set higher still. A false start in modeling impressed the importance of going where you’re wanted; in Lipa’s case, to Warner Records, who sought a female pop icon to compete with the Rihannas and Lady Gagas of the world. She leveraged her talent as a songwriter, developing an early Dua Lipa single, “Hotter Than Hell,” in the first session with her prospective management team. Her sly swagger and fashion-plate style gave her the presence of someone who’d achieved diva status already. “I’m a bit too far down the line for anyone to try and tell me something,” she said of her creative autonomy in 2017, even before the release of her first record.

But where many of pop’s most recent stars are emphatically emotionally available, Lipa radiates blithe coolness. Her brand is style, competence, taste—this is, in a way perhaps not obvious to those who actually remember the ’80s, entirely tasteful pop music—and the sultry low voice that makes her the star of even a middling Martin Garrix collab. Future Nostalgia is nonstop, no ballads; for 10 tracks, the closest it comes to feeling vulnerable or revealing is “Pretty Please,” a plea for stress-relief sex with an ultra-thick bassline. When Lipa proclaims, “You got me losing all my cool/’Cause I’m burning up on you,” on the Tove Lo cowrite “Cool,” she rhymes it with, “In control of what I do.” - Anna Gaca, Pitchfork

10 - Jasmine Infiniti - Bxtch Slap

"It’s building on that myth of being The Queen of Hell and how as a black trans woman, often just existing in this world feels hellish. The things that I have personally had to go through and that many other black trans women endure, it’s almost as if we are existing in hell already. It’s kind of like, well if I’m already here, I might as well live it up and find the best parts of this existence that I can. It’s about embracing that hell vibe. If I’m already here then I’m gonna be debaucherous and party to all hours of the morning. I want it to reflect that, but also have a little bit of sadness, a little bit resentfulness and a little bit anger, but also happiness and joy. It’s about taking hell and having fun with it." - Jasmine Infiniti, Vice

9 - Actress - Karma & Desire

"Karma & Desire bears the sonic touchstones of his landmark full-lengths like R.I.P. and AZD, but it also represents a profound shift in Cunningham's approach. For the first time, he's invited friends to help out. "I just wanted to give Actress a voice, basically, to use vocal performances from, like, a muse perspective really," he recently told Bandcamp Daily.

Despite several rave-worthy tracks voiced by the LA artist Aura T-09, this is not Actress's vocal house album, nor is it an album of pop songs. Instead, he utilizes the considerable vocal talents of artists like Zsela and Sampha in a signature Actress style, with snatches of stream-of-consciousness vocals rearranged into dreamlike sketches. The New York artist Zsela exhales "Destiny is stuck in heaven," on the burbling "Angels Pharmacy," before reprising the same theme on the very next track, "Remembrance." Just as hazy pads and white noise form motifs in Actress's catalogue, evocative phrases surface and resurface from the murk." Matt McDermott, Resident Advisor

8 - Lil Uzi Vert - Eternal Atake

"Few make rapping sound as purely fun as Lil Uzi Vert. His second album, Eternal Atake, arrived on the heels of a nearly three-year label dispute, yet it still sounds unburdened. The songs traffic in abundant imagination — words and syllables are deconstructed and restacked to form breathless cadences that explode across beats as funky as they are futuristic. When he chants "Balenci" enough times to void it of any meaning on "POP" or when he spits out a multibar hook that skirts repetition altogether (or, really, any qualities that usually make up a hook) as on "Homecoming," it's the chutzpah, but it's also the musicality of it all, the way the melodies are both instrument and a vehicle for lyrics. One of rap's most precise technicians, Uzi has been perfecting this craft since he began his career ascent in 2015, but Eternal Atake prompted us to hear the extraterrestrial — a world within worlds that's all his own." - Briana Younger, NPR

7 - bbyMutha - Muthaland

"Across Muthaland, bbymutha reclaims several words used to jab at her pride: “baby mama,” “slut,” “hoodrat.” She says them with her chest and siphons the negative energy in order to lift herself above the competition. It’s exhilarating, which makes the prospect of her early retirement all the sadder. Rap could use several more voices like hers. If Muthaland really is the last album bbymutha plans on releasing to the public, she’s brought us into her twisted world at its creative peak." Dylan Green, Pitchfork

6 - Jeff Parker - Suite for Max Brown

"The album is a mixture of live improvisations backed by drum loops. This was inspired by Parker’s time as a DJ. “I used to DJ a lot when I lived in Chicago,” Parker recently said. “I was spinning records one night and for about ten minutes I was able to perfectly synch up a Nobukazu Takemura record with the first movement of John Coltrane’s A Love Supreme and it had this free jazz, abstract jazz thing going on with a sequenced beat underneath. It sounded so good. That’s what I’m trying to do with Suite for Max Brown. Man vs. machine.” - Nick Roseblade, The Quietus

5 - GAIKA - Seguridad

"Brixton’s GAIKA has already proven himself a heavyweight via his releases on WARP Records, where he imbues the moodier end of dancehall, R&B, and Afrobeats with the kind of apocalyptic political vision you might expect from righteous roots reggae. Here, he’s teamed up with Mexico City’s NAAFI label, and eight members of their musical family. The music ranges from a reggaetón canter (“Maria”) to an almost drum-free crawl (“Nine Lives”); GAIKA’s hoarse voice, swimming through glutenous resonant autotune, draws it all together. It draws you into a zoned-out science fiction night time world, a Black Atlantic gothic cyberpunk fever dream that will haunt you long after it’s ended." - Joe Muggs, Bandcamp Daily

4 - Nazar - Guerrilla

"The roughest rough kuduro on Guerrilla lives up to the billing. Over charging horns and erratic snare sprints, "Arms Deal"'s midrange is filled with raging, Pollocky slashes of tapehead noise. "Why"'s 8-bit Sonic synths, Terrordrome trance leads and rap fragments are also fantastic. Guerrilla can be stealthy, too. Take "Fim-92 Stinger," a carnivalesque hip swinger with shades of the slinky batida from DJ Nigga Fox's Cartas Na Magna. It's a rare gem: fun, seductive, somewhat steady. You could even call it celebratory. But when Nazar says, "The ceasefire should at least last until the duration of this song," his pessimism resurfaces. Sure enough, the next track, "Immortal," illustrates what seems like a bullet-time detachment from conflict. It's possible to make out the ambience of the Angolan bush, stray gunfire and casual bravado, but the clearest sounds in its spectral quiet are an amped-up wheeze and the continuous loading of magazines. You're hearing the itch to fight." - Ray Philp, Resident Advisor

3 - Benny The Butcher - Burden of Proof

"With the help of Hit-Boy, Rick Ross, and Freddie Gibbs, Benny has another one for us to mob out to. At one point on this album, he says, “I don’t care about haters/ I only care about what hustlers think.” The proof is in the eating of the pudding. This is not for the meek. This is not for the golf courses. Benny never dives into nihilism. He knows his purpose, but the album is called Burden of Proof because if you are going to be on the streets, you have to prove who you are. Benny has done that and then some. The Butcher is here, and he isn’t respecting old arrangements. He runs this ship now." - Jayson Buford, Consequence of Sound

2 - Yaeji - What We Drew "But while What We Drew is more internalized than past releases, it is not conflicted; rather, Yaeji finds clarity in vulnerability, in the pendulum swing of her humanity. Crucially, the mixtape doesn’t turn its back on one of Yaeji’s strongest traits as an artist: Her music has always been deeply social, and now it is more gregarious than ever in its gratitude for those around her. Some of the best tracks are valentines to the friends and artists who fill Yaeji’s world—and she has been proactive building scenes, from New York to Seoul—and her appreciation for this community feels all the sweeter balanced with her revelations of struggle" - Stacey Anderson, Pitchfork 1 - Various Artists - HOA 011

"Back once again, we assume the role of Vanguard in the war against white supremacy in electronic music. We bring part 2 in a story of black technological expression, from the perspectives of some of its most prolific, alongside much needed new perspectives. HOA010 was a call for a new path. HOA011 we embark.

Too Black, Too Strong." - HAUS of ALTR bandcamp page

[bob-giovanni]

A Casual Affair - Part 4

@collette04 @66psychotic99 @simons-thirst-squadCharacters: Simon X OFC

Warnings: Eventual Smut, AU/Pre-Apocalypse, Cursing

Summary: Violet goes back to work for the first time since running into Simon in the club. Violet asks a perspective client on a date.

Background Music: “Criminal” by Fiona Apple

Notes: So I just want to apologize in advance. I had a huge case of writer’s block so it took me forever to write this. Also, I know this chapter isn’t up to par but I was just so glad that I got anything written at all. Nevertheless I hope ya’ll enjoy!

Violet was on the train heading into work Monday morning. She was feeling a bit anxious. This was the first time she’d be seeing Simon since their run in on Friday night. Violet sighed as she got off the train and headed up the steps to take her usual route to work. She wasn’t sure if she should apologize to Simon for being so unprofessional or if she should just act like nothing happened. Maybe she will just take her cues from Simon. If he apologizes then she will too. If he acts like nothing happened then she will follow suit.

Violet stopped in front of the office building and took a deep breath before heading up to the 5th floor as usual. Simon was in his office but he didn’t look up when he heard the elevator ding. Violet quietly walked to her desk and set her things down and started up her computer. She had some work to keep her busy for a few hours but after that she was going to have to talk to Simon. Around 10AM Violet heard her name being called. “Violet?” She sighed softly. “Coming!” She stood from her desk and walked to Simon’s office, taking only a few steps inside.

Simon looked up, quickly looking Violet up and down before going back to read something on his computer. “Negan is coming by later today. When he gets here can you fetch him and give him a tour of the building before bringing him up here?” Violet nodded. “Of course.” She stood there for a moment before Simon finally looked over. He tried his best to ignore the fact that she somehow looked even more gorgeous today than she did last time he saw her. “Do you need something?” He asked. Violet bit her bottom lip. He wished she wouldn’t do that. “I’m running low on work. I was just hoping that you had some more stuff for me to do.” Simon nodded. “Yeah, sure. I’ll shoot you a few e-mails that need to be followed up on. Violet smiled softly. “Ok, thanks.” She turned on her heels and went back to her desk.

At 4:15 Violet’s phone rang. “This is Violet. How can I help you?” “Hey, Vi, it’s Katrina in reception.” Violet smiled. “Oh, hi, Katrina. How are you today?” “I’m great! How are you?” “I’m doing swell. What can I do for you?” Katrina giggled. “There’s a gentleman named Negan here who says he has a meeting with Simon.” Violet’s eyes widened a bit. “Oh right. Please tell him I will be right down.” “Will do! Thanks, Vi!” Violet heard the phone click and she promptly stood. She smoothed out her skirt before walking over to Simon’s office. She knocked quietly before opening the door and peeking her head in. “Hey, Si..um, Simon…Negan is here. I’m going down to get him now.” Simon looked up from his work and nodded. “Yeah, ok. Thank you. Um, Violet…I hate to ask but can you maybe like…flirt with him a little? He really liked you.” Simon realized how that may have sounded. “It might help, ya know, persuade him to work with us.”

VIolet’s cheeks turned a deep shade of red and nodded slightly. “Ok, yeah, sure.” Violet closed Simon’s door and went to her desk. She pulled a lipstick and compact from her purse and quickly reapplied her makeup and unbuttoned the top two buttons of her blouse and pulled at the fabric so she was exposing just a bit of cleavage. She took a deep breath before heading to the elevator and down to the lobby. When she stepped off the elevator she immediately saw Negan sitting on one of the leather couches in the lobby. Violet made her way to him, smiling brightly as she approached him. “Negan, what a pleasure to see you again.” Negan stood and didn’t even try to hide it when he checked Violet out. “Well, well, well, Violet I didn’t think it was possible for you to look any more beautiful than you did the other night. Clearly I was wrong.”

Violet smirked and playfully slapped Negan’s shoulder. “You are quite the charmer, aren’t you?” Negan licked his lips and stepped closer to Violet. “You have no idea, doll.” Violet bit her bottom lip before turning on her heels. “Follow me.” Negan took a moment to watch Violet walk away from him, getting a nice view of her ass. He licked his lips before catching up with her. Violet led Negan through the first floor, introducing him to some of the employees before leading him up the second floor, then the third. When they got to the fourth floor, Violet stepped off the elevator. “Umm, actually this floor is just filing. There’s no one here.” Violet turned and bumped right into Negan. She gasped and put her hands lightly on his chest. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize you were right behind me.”

Negan grinned and shrugged a bit. “With an ass like that, doll, I’ll always be right behind you.” Violet blushed. Negan laughed and shook his head. “You don’t get complimented much. Do you?” Violet shook her head. “No. I’m flattered though. You are an attractive man so compliments are welcome.” Violet looked up at Negan through her eyelashes. He was an attractive man, Violet wasn’t lying about that. She wondered if this was his ‘thing.’ He would hit on younger women, compliment the hell out of them, sleep with them, and then never talk to them again. To be honest, Violet was willing to take that chance. She hadn’t been laid in over a year and she was getting desperate. Not that she would be settling for Negan. She would be more than happy to have him in her bed. Just as her thoughts were starting to wander even further, Violet felt Negan’s finger under her chin as he turned her face up towards his.

“You alright, doll face? You seem distracted.” Violet smiled sweetly. “Just…wondering.” Negan smirked. Violet’s eyes raked over Negan’s body. She made sure to take her time so he would know exactly what she was doing. Negan quirked an eyebrow. “Wondering what exactly?” Violet licked her lips and stepped closer to Negan. “When you’re gonna take me out…” Negan grinned and stepped back a bit. “Are you…asking me out on a date?” Violet shrugged a bit. “What can I say? I’m a woman who knows what she wants.” Negan let out a hearty laugh. “Well, Violet, I will give you this; you are certainly unexpected.” He nodded and put a hand on Violet’s waist. “Well, I accept your invitation.” Violet smirked. “Good, other wise I wouldn’t be able to take you up to Simon.”

Negan laughed as Violet led him back to the elevator. “Oh I see. Well, darling, I think that might be considered black mail or something illicit like that.” Violet pushed the button for the 5th floor. “I mean if you don’t wanna go out…” Negan shook his head and backed Violet into the corner of the elevator. “What in the world would make you think that?” Violet smirked. “I mean, I wouldn’t want to do anything illegal. I’m a good girl after all.” My god, Violet knew she sounded desperate and at any other time she’d slap herself in the face for saying something like that, but right now she couldn’t care less. Negan groaned lowly. He licked his lips. “You are gonna get me in a lot of trouble, aren’t you?” “There’s only one way to find out.” Just then the elevator dinged and the doors slid open.

Violet pushed Negan to the side and stepped off the elevator. She could sense that Negan was close behind her. She knocked on Simon’s door before pushing it open. “Simon, Negan is here.” Negan pushed the door open and stepped inside. “Simon, how the hell are you?” Simon grinned and stood from his desk, walking around to meet Negan and shake his hand. “I’m great, Negan. How are you?’ Negan smirked. “I’m a whole hell of a lot better since I got here, Simon.” Violet bit her lip to stop herself from smiling. She turned and started to shut the door. “Hey, doll face.” Negan called out. Violet stepped back into the office. “Yes, sir?” Negan grinned. “Mm, I like the way that sounds.” Simon quirked an eyebrow, clearly confused by what was going on. “I’m gonna need your number if we’re gonna go out on that date.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Simon asked. Negan turned to Simon and smirked. “Your assistant here is quite aggressive. And well, I really fucking like it.” Simon looked back and forth between Negan and Violet. “Um, ok?” Violet held out her hand to Negan. “Give me your phone.” Negan reached into his pocket and hand his phone to Violet. “Yes, ma’am.” Violet sent herself a text from Negan’s phone before handing it back to him. “There. Now you have my number.” “Thanks, doll.” Negan leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Violet’s cheek.  

Violet blushed before heading back to her desk. Simon shut his office door and Violet continued on with her work. About a half hour passed before the door reopened and Negan emerged. “Simon, you know your shit. I foresee us having a long a prosperous relationship.” He grinned and reached out to shake Simon’s hand. Simon smiled weakly and nodded. “Well I’m glad to hear you say that.” Negan slapped Simon’s shoulder. “I’ll have my assistant get in touch with you later this week to iron out the details.” Negan turned and walked over to Violet. She stood and held out her hand for a shake. Negan took her hand and kissed the back of it. “You, my dear, will definitely be hearing from me.” Violet grinned and licked her lips. “I look forward to it.”

Negan smirked and got on the elevator, winking at Violet as the doors closed. Violet chewed her bottom lip and smirked to herself. “Violet, I need to speak with you. Now.” Simon didn’t wait for a response before turning and heading back into his office. Violet walked into Simon’s office and noticed that he seemed angry. “Is everything ok?” She asked. Simon sighed. “No. It’s not. What in the hell are you thinking?” Simon raised his voice a bit. It caught Violet off guard. “What are you talking about?” “Going out with Negan? Violet, he’s a client. That is incredibly unprofessional.”

Violet furrowed her eyebrows. “Umm…you asked me to flirt with him remember? And from the sound of things it worked.” Simon rolled his eyes. “Yeah I said flirt not go on a fucking date with him!” Violet put her hands on her hips. “What am I missing here, Simon? Because honestly I’m confused as to why you are upset. I wasn’t going into this expecting to go out with Negan, it just happened. And quite frankly my personal life is none of your damn business!” Simon put his face in his hands for a moment before running his fingers through his hair. Why was he getting so upset? Simon couldn’t quite figure out why this was bothering him. Violet was right. Her personal life is none of his business. But something about the thought of her with Negan just didn’t sit right.

Simon stood from his chair and turned his back to Violet, looking out his window and taking a deep breath. “Yes, Violet, I understand that. I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to date a client.” Simon turned back to face her, folding his arms across his chest. Violet was at the point where she could feel her face getting redder by the second. She was furious and was bound to say something inappropriate and/or regrettable at any moment. “Who said anything about dating? I just wanna fuck him.” There was the inappropriate statement.

Simon groaned and stepped closer to Violet. “Violet, that’s crossing the line and you fucking know it.” Violet let out a sarcastic laugh. “I’m crossing the line? Really? Because I’m pretty sure you being involved in my personal life is over the fucking line too! Is this what you’re like at home? Because if it is no wonder your wife is away all the damn time!” And there was the regrettable statement. Violet knew immediately that she had gone too far but in the heat of the moment she couldn’t bring herself to apologize. Simon glared at her for a moment before moving so that he was mere inches away from her.

“Fuck you, Violet!” Right then his voice was dripping with hatred. Even though Violet knew she deserved it, she just couldn’t back down. Not right now. “Oh you’d love to fuck me, wouldn’t you?” They both just stood there glaring at each other for a few seconds before lungeing toward one another. Violet wrapped her arms around Simon’s neck and he wrapped his arms around her waist as they shared a passionate, hate fueled kiss. Violet parted her lips slightly and Simon slipped his tongue into her mouth, causing both of them to moan. Simon knew that this was so incredibly wrong and that he’d deeply regret it later, but right now all he could think about was how soft Violet’s lips were and he wondered what they would feel like on other parts of his body.

Violet was getting so turned on that if this continued any longer, she would be too far gone to make good judgements. “Fuck, Simon is a good kisser,” she thought to herself. She could feel his hands start to wander. Before things could go any further Violet pushed Simon away from her. As she stood there, panting heavily after just making out with her fucking boss, who is married, Violet felt ashamed. She looked up Simon and could tell he felt the same way. Without a word, Violet turned and walked out of Simon’s office. She grabbed her purse and got on the elevator. Simon just stood there for a few moments before sitting back down in his chair. He leaned back in the chair, suddenly becoming very aware of the bulge in his jeans. It started to sink in just how truly fucked he was now.

Tags: @collette04 @66psychotic99 @simons-thirst-squad @mwesterfeld1985

[briteboy]

WOW I’M FINALLY DOING THESE CHARACTER ASKS I NEVER ANSWERED SORRY

this is literally so long RIP me

33. Do they own any objects of significant personal importance?

rooney - “So...this is going to sound bad, but during my childhood, I spent my summers in France, and whenever we’d take trips to Paris I had this habit of stealing little knick-knacks from different shops...often little tourist-y things, kind of just a challenge for myself to see if I’d get away with it. I always did, and I kept it up throughout my teen years. I know, it’s bad. I lost most of the stuff, but I still have a lot of it and they’re all special to me even though I got them by very immoral means...gimme a break, I was a kid! Oh, and I also really treasure my grand-mere’s family recipes. And my tea garden, of course.”

gianni - “Truthfully, I don’t tend to value material things...I try to minimize my attachment to personal belongings so that I’d be able to get up and go anywhere with a moment’s notice if I wanted to. That being said, however, I do have quite a hefty collection of books that I’d probably miss if they were to perish in some disaster. I also have an incredibly unorganized collection of personal writings that I’d hate to part with...even though I can’t even begin to sort through them all in the first place.”

santi - “letters...a bong shaped like an elephant...but most of the important things stay in my head.”

39. Tell us about one of the times they got injured?

rooney - “When I was five I climbed an apple tree and fell about 10 feet and landed right on my back. It knocked the wind out of me and then an apple fell on my head and I had a bump on my forehead for a month, much to Audrey’s amusement. I’ve also suffered a lot of twisted ankles due to clumsiness.”

gianni - “I used to do a lot of sports in my youth, so injuries were like second nature to me...I must’ve broken every extremity at least once. They probably never healed right, either, because I was never one for resting.”

santi - “just one? well...i got into a pretty bad car accident once. no wait, okay okay, how about the time i wiped out so bad at the skate park that i broke my toe and the bone was literally sticking out? that was pretty good. or the time i broke my...nah nevermind, no one wants to hear about that. just take my word of advice: be careful in the cowgirl position, folks”

58. Do they ever have nightmares? If so, what about?

rooney - “I used to have a recurring nightmare where I’d be in a car that was driving except there was no driver. Every time I’d panic and take the wheel, except I didn’t know how to drive...I don’t remember anything past that, just that every time it happened, I woke up with my heart racing. I probably stopped having those dreams when I actually learned to drive, haha!”

gianni - “I periodically have dreams where I’m sucked into the couch into an alternate dimension. Some of them have turned into nightmares, but most are just bizarre.”

santi - “ha.”

(lmfao this b*tch)

65. If they knew they were going to die, what would they do/say?

rooney - “Probably just...‘I love you.’ No matter who I’d be saying it to...I’d just like to think the last words that leave my lips would be full of love. Unless, of course, I was brutally murdered by some serial killer. Then it’d probably be ‘Vete a la verga culero.’”

gianni - “’It’s all happening.’”

santi - “‘hey...wanna see a dead body?’”

32. Pet peeves?

FIRST OF ALL I’M SO GLAD YOU SENT THIS FOR BB FIONA OMG ;__; I CRY

anyway fiona’s pet peeves are line cutters, bad liars, commercials, when someone uses up all the peanut butter and forgets to throw the jar away, when people sugarcoat things or skirt around the truth, and when people call her fifi. do not ever call her fifi.

57. What D&D alignment are they?

OOOOOH FUCK YEAH fiona would be...honestly i think she’d be lawful evil lmao. or chaotic neutral. somewhere in between the two.

60. What is something that they’re sure to laugh at?

fart jokes 100%. 

4. What is their most embarrassing memory?

santi - getting caught streaking in boarding school and sub-sequentially losing a bet to drako. or spilling coffee beans all over himself in an attempt to impress a cute waitress at the bakery he worked at 🙃

gianni - when he first met rooney’s parents he had just begun learning spanish and tried to say he was embarrassed for spilling a drink on himself in all his nerves but accidentally used the word “embarazada”, thinking it meant embarrassed. so instead of saying “estoy muy avergonzado” (i am very embarrassed) he said “estoy muy embarazada” (i am very pregnant.) rooney’s dad had a good laugh out of that one.

rooney - most of rooney’s embarrassing moments are borne from her clumsiness. one time in middle school she tripped over thin air in front of her crush and rolled all the way down a hill and got a black eye from hitting her face on a rock at the bottom. she’s beauty she’s grace

lou - lou is one of those people who refuses to be embarrassed because she hates showing weakness. so if something embarrassing happens to her she’ll shrug and brush it off even if she’s secretly dying inside. often she’s always one step ahead, so if anything, she’ll be the one to catch you in the act and embarrass you.

7. Which of their relationships have impacted them most positively?

rooney - i think it goes without saying, gianni. audrey and her parents, and maisie and mars as well because she's learning the ropes of parenting through the way audrey interacts with them. her bffs 5ever, eli and cosmic <3 also idiot boy santi because in a way she is a lot like him, though not as lost. they help each other out when they’re in similar mindsets.

gianni - rooney of course, his parents, his bb boy santi ;-; all of his old dorm mates at boarding school, and his little one on the way (same goes for rooney)

santi - gianni, rooney, avey, his family even though he would fake his death in order to avoid them, his old dorm mates, eli and yes-- even miyu, lion-hearted girl, la pelirrojita, and.............fiona, above all. ;_____;

lou - fiona, her mother, audrey (and the rest of the wallace fam, but especially audrey because she works at the bakery with her), and.........orejudo.

20. Fears?

LMFOADSKGJKD 420 PLS I H8 U...i already did 4 so u just get 20 SORRY

santi has...a lot of fears. lmao. in fact, they kind of dictate everything he does, in case you couldn’t tell by his debilitating anxiety. rejection, failure, loneliness, disappointing his loved ones, confirmation that he really is as terrible a person as he thinks he is...and hurting the people he loves. that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

8. What’s the weirdest thing they’ve ever eaten?

rooney - one time her grandmother made her eat tripe. never again. she also used to eat bugs for money and candy when she was a kid.

gianni - he’ll try literally anything at least once, so he’s eaten a lot of weird shit. one time drako dared him to eat haggis. no ragrets

9. Describe the way that they sleep.

rooney - constant cuddler. she attaches herself to gianni’s body and makes it impossible for him to turn in the middle of the night. it’s okay, he doesn’t mind.

gianni - he spreads out and takes up the entire bed and somehow messes up the sheets and the covers in the process. rooney doesn’t need that much space when she’s constantly spooning him anyway tho

10. What is their favorite food/kind of food?

rooney loooooves egyptian food and middle eastern food. she always looked forward to taking trips to morocco when she lived in spain because they had the best food. she also has a weakness for lebanese cookies. and gianni is a big fan of indian food...but his mama’s lasagna has always been his favorite ;-;

19. Are they right or left handed?

both rooney and gianni are right handed! but gianni is trying to teach himself to be ambidextrous...emphasis on trying.

21. Favorite kind of weather?

rooney - sunny, blustery days where you can hear the trees whispering.

gianni - he loves the scorching heat of summer like nothing else.

30. Sunrise or sunset?

rooney - sunset

gianni - sunrise (he’s weird)

31. Are they more messy or more organized?

both rooney and gianni are messy people...that’s why their house is so cluttered. RIP

45. Do they believe in ghosts?

rooney and gianni both believe in supernatural things. rooney’s a lot more into it and will believe superstitions whereas gianni is a bit more practical, although he also accepts that there won’t be answers for everything and some phenomenons are just unexplainable. 

51. How do they usually celebrate their birthday?

rooney usually throws a star wars party because her birthday is may 4th. it’s usually her, gianni and santi, but also sometimes eli, miyu and audrey as well. last year they marathonned the OT and played a star wars drinking game (take a shot every time luke whines lmao)

gianni takes his bbys on a camping trip every year for his birthday, as you saw last year hehe

86. Do they like sweet foods?

rooney definitely has a sweet tooth. but she has a unique taste in desserts and likes to try new things, especially from different cultures. and if it’s too sweet, she won’t like it. gianni doesn’t really, but he does make an exception every time he visits the wallace’s bakery.

24. Do they prefer either hot or cold weather more?

santi definitely prefers hot to cold. he tries to preserve summer for as long as he can. it makes him feel like a phoenix starting anew.

36. Least favorite smell?

santi’s least favorite smell is probably the weird smell your pee gets after you eat a lot of asparagus. also artificial candle smells that are so sweet they’re gagworthy.

64. Upon seeing a slice of chocolate cake, what is their first reaction?

he kind of gets grossed out because it reminds him of that scene in matilda where the fat kid eats the entire chocolate cake. but then he’d probably eat it anyway because hey it’s cake!

28. Are they happy where they are currently?

santi - NO lmao. well...it fluctuates. it was good for a while...now he’s stuck again.

lou - she wants to be happy but she won’t let herself be because she feels an impending sense of letdown. she always gets let down.

29. Are they a morning person?

santi - hell fckin no lmao

lou - not if she can help it. both she and fiona hate waking up in the morning to get fi ready for school. but they suffer for the sake of education

30. Sunrise or sunset?

santi- sunset, always sunset (i think i answered that before but whatev)

lou - sunrise. she’s only seen one once in her life, so it’s a pretty special time to her. but referring to the last question, she’s not a morning person, so...

31. Are they more messy or more organized?

santi is messy as fuck. but we knew that. lou tries to stay as organized as possible, but sometimes she just gets overwhelmed and lives in the mess for a little while.

32. Pet peeves?

santi - when you only get like one wonton in your wonton soup, remembering something specific that’s just on the tip of your tongue but never quite getting it, that level of drunk/high where you start to feel yourself coming down and you realize just how lackluster everything is again.

lou - talking in circles, bullshit, repeating herself, family feud episodes that don’t feature steve harvey as the host, dirty dishes and bad reception.

33. Do they own any objects of significant personal importance?

already answered this for santi aheh

but lou treasures the few baby pictures she has of fiona because she wasn’t able to afford a camera or even a nice phone at the time. ;-;

34. Least favorite food?

santi - lobster. he fucking hates lobster. also those cheap chocolates with the cherry inside, blech. also not a fan of mushrooms.

lou - PEEPS. she ate too many one easter as a kid and now she gags at the sight of them. oh and tomatoes.

35. Least favorite color?

santi - grey, but not silver. he likes silver.

lou - chartreuse. and most shades of green. she only likes one very specific shade of blue-toned green.

36. Least favorite smell?

already did this for santi ohoho

as for lou, she can’t stand the smell of bacon. it’s too overpowering. it’s fine at first but then it gets to be too much, and she doesn’t even care for bacon anyway. also that garbage smell the periodically wafts through the air in the city, especially when you’re driving through new jersey lmao

37. When was the last time they cried?

santi? who tf knows. he’s always crying. he’s probably crying as we speak. lou, though...she hates crying. it makes her feel vulnerable. if she cries in front of you, it’s the real deal. especially if u make her cry...then wow. ur a monster

38. Were they with anybody the last time they cried?

U ALREADY KNOW THIS ABOUT SANTI. but lou...probably not. she’s kind of a loner, especially when showing that side of herself :{