#when it’s like duh of course they’re narrative foils

[avelera]

Just once I’d like to see the tables turned and for the hero to give the, “We’re not so different, you and I,” speech to the villain. Like, “Oh you want to solve society’s problems? You want to avenge some wrong? You’re driven by moral outrage at the state of the world? Maybe if you weren’t being such a dick about it, you and I could team up and be twice as effective, ever thought of that?”

[paradisetemporarilymisplaced]

So I was being a basic bitch the other day and listening to my true crime podcasts when it occurred to me just how suspicious Nile’s “death” would look to everyone not in the Guard, leading me to a train of thought that, 2200 words later, absolutely got away from me but I can’t let go so I’m inflicting it on all of you!

To set the stage, we know the movie takes place over approximately a week. Here’s what happens to Nile from the military’s point of view:

She dies is very seriously injured

She heals without a scratch

Just before she’s supposed to be shipped out to Germany, she vanishes, leaving two men concussed (and presumably reporting being knocked out by a woman with short hair wearing civilian clothes)

She goes AWOL for several days

They get word from the CIA that she is to be reported killed in action (details unclear)

So, at the beginning of this very weird week, the USMC has to tell Nile’s family of her death critical injury. What her family was told depends on how long she was dead – a Google search tells me that family will be notified in person within 8 hours of a soldier’s death, but we don’t know how long her first death lasted. For an injury, however, they’d get a phone call to notify them and the unit would arrange for them to visit as soon as the soldier is transferred out of a combat zone. Like I remember when I was in high school, a guy from my church who was a Marine was really seriously injured in a helicopter crash in Iraq and from what I could tell, his parents were told immediately and were flown out to Germany to see him, so it stands to reason that Nile’s family would have been informed relatively quickly after her throat was slashed, one way or another.

And then, she goes AWOL. Her family would be notified while the USMC tried to figure out where she went, not least because the military would want to know if she’s contacted them. (And it’s possible that her family may have been on the way to Germany to see her since we know that’s where she was supposed to go!) So for several days:

Nile’s mom and brother have no idea where she is

They know she was seriously injured and most certainly should not have been moving around on her own

They can’t get a hold of her

The military can’t tell them anything

And the next thing they know for sure is that she was “killed in action.” After being injured and vanishing into thin air. And they presumably cannot produce her body or any concrete evidence of her death. In any case, something sketchy is going on, so they’re like. SMELLS LIKE A MILITARY COVERUP.

In a surprise to probably no one, there is a well-documented legacy of mysterious US military deaths, particularly of women of color (TW for sexual assault in these links). The cases of LaVena Johnson and Vanessa Guillenin particular have made national news because of their families’ persistence in seeking justice. Likewise, Nile is a Black woman, and her mom and brother are most certainly hypercognizant of (a) state violence against Black people and (b) these high-profile cases of suspicious military deaths. So her family are seriously side-eyeing the situation, knowing that (a) the military has a serious incentive (and a documented history) of covering up things that make them look bad and (b) nothing about Nile’s disappearance and supposed death are adding up.

And Andy’s right. Nile does come from warriors. And you know who else does? Her brother.

Don’t get me wrong. Nile’s mom would absolutely not back down. She’d know something was up and want to get to the bottom of it. But based on what I know about Gen X parents (mine), they’re not the most technologically savvy. Like they can use the internet, but they didn’t grow up with it the way we young millennials and Gen Z did. So Nile’s brother takes the lead. And what do zillennials do best?

Social media.

Nile’s brother starts going hard on any site he can, trying to get the word out to see if anyone knows what happened to his sister. He starts a Reddit thread. He starts a Facebook group. He reaches out to the media and true crime bloggers and podcasters à la Sarah Turney, getting loud and being a general nuisance in hopes of getting some answers. He gets his friends and Nile’s friends involved. Maybe eventually Dizzy, Jay, and others from Nile’s unit hear about it and reach out, telling him what they saw and how weird it all was. He’s drumming up interest, and soon “Nile Freeman” becomes a household name (at least among the true crime fans).

Copley is, of course, trying his best, but at this point there is just so much that it’s impossible for him to scrub everything. Sure, he can erase new footage of Nile and the Guard, but what can he do about Reddit threads and podcast episodes that are speculating something weird has happened? Maybe he could hack the sites and shut those things down, but honestly, that’s the last thing he’d want to do, because that only adds weight to the theory that Nile’s disappearance is a military coverup. So eventually he has to tell Andy what’s going on.

Andy, obviously, does not take the news well. However, she is also completely computer illiterate, because that’s Booker’s job and he’s the only one who ever bothered to learn what the internet is in any meaningful way. (She probably calls Booker for advice, and for the record, I think Booker would have no qualms about shutting down conspiracy threads, tinhats be damned, but Copley is too concerned about the consequences. He’s ex-CIA for crying out loud, he knows how it’ll look if they scrub every mention of Nile’s name from the internet.) Maybe she confers with Joe and Nicky but, let’s be honest, they’d be equally unhelpful. So at this point, she knows they have to bring in Nile.

But the thing about Nile is that she, too, knows how to use the internet (duh). Aside from her being a young millennial/digital native, we know from the cave scene where she’s giving Booker suggestions on how to track Copley that she clearly is even more computer savvy than the average person. And for that reason she almost definitely took over the day-to-day tech stuff after Booker’s exile. So I think it would be foolish to expect her to be unaware of what’s happening. She’s not contacting her family or posting on the message boards or anything, but she knows what’s up. So Copley and the team probably sit her down to “break the news,” but we know the girl does not have a poker face (see: literally shooting herself in the foot and not being able to play it cool whatsoever) and cracks immediately, telling them she’s seen everything about her case – she’s not interacting with any of it, she certainly didn’t instigate anything, but she knows. (And she is so goddamn proud of her brother.)

At this point, I’d like to pause and consider Nile’s role in the overall narrative of this movie. She’s set up as a foil to Andy, obviously, but she’s also a foil to Booker. Booker, who, like Andy, is a serious pessimist, but who, unlike Andy, still has very fresh memories and trauma associated with being the new kid, which have destroyed him. In his mind (and Andy’s), if Nile communicates with her family, she’ll become just like him in a century or two – bitter, alone, and stuck with her grief and memories of watching her family die and knowing they died resenting her. It’s a small sample size, but this is the only experience they have to go off of.

But it doesn’t have to be like that.

There’s been a lot of discussion of TOG being a fundamentally queer movie – a group of people brought together because of something inherent about themselves that is different, that must be hidden, that causes others to hate, fear, and reject them. Booker’s backstory is the archetypal traumatic “coming out” story – his family learns who he is, hate him for it, and attempt to cast him out of their lives. He’s stuck with his trauma, his pain, his loss, and it consumes him.

But what if Nile’s family would be the opposite? What if her “coming out” to them as immortal is met with acceptance, love, celebration? What if her family is just overjoyed to have her back, and they don’t care what the circumstances are? I'm reminded of this incredible post from @shitty-old-guard-deaths a while back, where Nile’s mother hits Booker with a frying pan because “my baby let me believe she was dead for FIVE YEARS based on your bad advice???” (which may or may not have inspired this whole tangent). Nile takes the advice of someone who did the same thing she wants to do because she doesn’t want to risk her family’s rejection. She wants the good memories with her family and is afraid that showing them her true self will bring her unbearable pain, forever replacing those memories. But, with high risk comes high reward.

Anyway. Nile and the team are trying to come up with a plan for how to handle this whole thing, but she’s not really participating because she’s too afraid to hope. Until finally, quickly, so she doesn’t lose her nerve, she suggests she reach out to them, knowing that, realistically, that’s the only solution before things snowball even further out of control. The team is shocked, but realize that she has a point. They decide that Copley should actually be the first point of contact, posing as a US government official to talk with them and test the waters.

So Copley goes to Nile’s family’s house to talk with her mom and brother. They’re probably distrustful and apprehensive, but nonetheless secretly ecstatic that their work has paid off. They talk and review all of the information that they’ve collected, including testimonials from the people on Nile’s base and recent sightings (along with photos) of Nile (with the same three people) over the last few years that people have sent them but they haven’t posted publicly. At this point, Copley’s like, yeah this is about to blow up, we gotta put our cards on the table. He convinces them to come with him to some safe house/black site/whatever he can get that is technologically impenetrable (I’m picturing them in like, an interrogation room at a police station kind of deal), takes their phones, locks the doors, and brings in Nile.

What follows is the most delightful reunion scene of all time, bringing Joe, Nicky, and even Andy to tears as they watch and listen from outside the room. With Copley’s help, Nile tells her mom and brother about her immortality and what’s been going on since she died (within reason, of course), and they are thrilled. They don’t understand why (because no one does) but they don’t question it and they see it as a gift from God – she’s been resurrected, she will live, and she has a purpose. Her mother and brother are so happy to see her again and are willing to agree with pretty much anything to stay in her life as long as they can.

So. They set up some complicated agreement (they bring in the other three for support/intimidation as needed) setting the terms of their relationship. They swear Nile’s family to secrecy, maybe bringing up the lab to show how high the stakes are, and they readily agree. They come up with some cover story for Nile’s brother to share on the message boards (maybe that the government has opened an investigation but because it’s an open case he has to shut it all down? Tells people to direct their tips somewhere else? Something to that effect). There’s still speculation, of course, but without Nile’s brother at the helm providing the energy, the hype dies down as news stories are wont to do without any movement. And Nile’s family goes to work for the team. The experience has taught them that Copley can’t possibly do everything himself, especially when it comes to social media, so Nile’s brother takes the lead on the day-to-day tracking/social media while Copley and her mom focus on finding jobs and scrubbing their traces afterward.

So there you have it: Nile gets to integrate her biological family into her found family and spend the rest of their lives with them as it should be, Copley gets some badly needed help managing the reality of social media, the team finally has a positive narrative surrounding outsiders Knowing About Them AND about interacting with people from their previous life, and the audience gets the happy ending to this very lovely and very queer story to counteract the pain associated with Booker’s family.

Plus, you know, I’m a sucker for both a good government conspiracy theory and for Nile getting every good thing she deserves.

[thinkingisadangerouspastime]

I find it really intriguing how the ATLA writers could have gone a “brotherly love” route with Zuko and Aang, but they never did. Even in LOK, the only thing that I remember Iroh saying about their relationship was that they canonically became the best of friends and that Zuko knew Aang better than anyone, even more than Katara and their children. I find the direction of their relationship a contrast to how often the bond between the male protagonist and the male antagonist that are spiritually linked in other media is reduced to “they were like brothers” and put aside for the respective heterosexual romances of the leads, even though the relationships between the leads often have homoerotic subtext and can be interpreted through a queer lens. I guess what I’m wondering is: would you classify Zuko and Aang’s relationship as brotherly? Do you support interpretations where their relationship is viewed as brotherly? And finally (I’m sorry for all of the questions): why do you think the ATLA writers - who seem to mostly be composed of cishet men - never took the “brotherly love” route and left the nature of their relationship ambiguous?

This ask has been in my inbox for a Hot Minute 💀 my apologies, my friend. And since I haven’t seen LOK, I won’t try to speak on the front. Before I continue, though, @likealittleheartbeat has an AMAZING analysis here about the interpretation of Aang and Zuko’s relationship through a queer-platonic lens that I found to be an incredible read and arguably could answer this ask on its own, lol!

I guess the general “issue” that must be addressed to answer these questions is simply how we define brotherly. That “we” can be divided into the viewers and the writers, only adding another layer of complexity. Because the reality is that we can’t jump into the creators minds and see exactly how they intended Zuko and Aang’s relationship to be interpreted. We can make deductions, e.g. the existence of Kataang and Maiko suggests Zuko and Aang were not intended to have a romantic relationship within canon (duh, lol). In fact, you could even add another division to the “we” - the writers, the viewers, and the characters themselves (i.e. interpretation through the cultural lenses that inspired the show).

All of this is to say that there is not going to be one agreed-upon definition of “brotherly,” lol! Since you seem to be asking for my personal opinions, I’ll go with my personal definition. If anyone has differing thoughts in response to these questions, please feel free to add them in a comment or rb! I think there’s a lot to explore here and my sole opinion is Not the be-all and end-all, lmao.

So, what is my personal definition of “brotherly”? I’m not going to try to make a formal definition, lol, but the gist of my interpretation is a platonic relationship akin to that of siblings. To me, there is a difference between having a “brotherly relationship” with someone versus a “friendship” (I almost used “friendly relationship” but that didn’t feel right jskdfhakdls). I think these two can overlap and/or be the same, but - for example - I have friends who I would say without hesitation that I am incredibly close with, but I also would not classify that friendship as “sisterly.” (Again, these are strictly my personal thoughts, and I encourage further discussion in comments/rbs!)

I’ll take your questions one at a time:

Would you classify Zuko and Aang’s relationship as brotherly?

Personally? Probably not. To me, there is a sense of superficiality associated with the term “brotherly” that in my eyes can be reductive to platonic relationships between men (can be, not always lol). I think with Zuko and Aang, the relationship just runs much deeper than “brotherly” can connote. For one, they are the primary narrative foils of the show! The only relationship that comes close to theirs in terms of narrative significance is Kataang (which is a very different dichotomy, btw, I’m not trying to compare them lol). We have numerous episodes dedicated to the parallels between Aang and Zuko, including but not limited to “The Storm” and “The Avatar and the Fire Lord.” I mean, this is an actual quote from the latter episode:

Do you really think friendships can last more than one lifetime?

We see variants of this line and the notion of friendship itself associated throughout that episode explicitly with Roku and Sozin, Roku and Gyatso, and of course the Gaang at the end, but implicitly we also know it’s about Aang and Zuko, too. Aang says, “Everyone, even the Fire Lord and the Fire Nation, have to be treated like they’re worth giving a chance.” One common take with this line that I’ve seen is interpreting it as foreshadowing for Aang’s decision to spare Ozai - which obviously is a fair assessment - but we cannot also ignore how much it applies to Zuko joining the Gaang. Specifically, Zuko reconciling with Aang.

We all know Aang was the first person to extend friendship to Zuko back in “The Blue Spirit” and tbh, after he saw Appa licking Zuko, you can tell Aang was nearly willing to extend a second chance to Zuko then and there lol. Aang and Zuko’s friendship, them being drawn together, is a relationship that transcends lifetimes, transcends social norms/expectations, transcends a loss greater than anyone can imagine (for Aang) and offers a new opportunity arguably far more than deserved (for Zuko). I think ascribing a qualifier of “brotherly” to their relationship therefore limits this transcendence because of how much their dynamic encompasses.

Do you support interpretations where their relationship is viewed as brotherly?

Of course! One of the reasons I love A:TLA - especially my small corner of the fandom - is how many interpretations that every relationship presents, be it a small “difference” (such as calling Zuko and Aang’s relationship “brotherly”) or a more drastic one (exploring fanon possibilities with rarepairs, let’s go #AangRarepairWeek 😎). So even if this interpretation isn’t one I’m inclined to in the literal sense (i.e. it’s the “brotherly” qualifier I feel I dislike, because I do love platonic Zukaang as much as romantic Zukaang), I absolutely encourage others to make the most of their fandom experience and product/support content that they enjoy!

Why do you think the ATLA writers - who seem to mostly be composed of cishet men - never took the “brotherly love” route and left the nature of their relationship ambiguous?

I will say that we don’t really have any way of knowing the sexualities and gender identities of every single A:TLA writer, lol. I’m not saying they were all queer in some way, of course, but I just want to establish that we don’t and can’t know unless told. If that makes sense 😂

As I mentioned earlier, I have no way of getting inside the writers’ minds to determine their intentions when they were writing Zuko and Aang’s relationship, so all you’re gonna get here are my best guesses lmao! For one, there wasn’t really a need to outright label Zuko and Aang as having a “brotherly” relationship. The existence of Kataang and Maiko again speak for themselves. Most viewers - especially casual watchers - don’t need the show to state “these two only love each other in a brotherly way” to conclude that the relationship was platonic (or rather, was not romantic), especially considering that the show was made in the mid-2000s (i.e. sad but true, most people weren’t watching A:TLA with a queer lens 😔). So I wouldn’t say they left the relationship “ambiguous” so much as there wasn’t need to qualify it further than simply being platonic.

Of course, I do think there is an ambiguity that comes with Aang and Zuko’s relationship, which I love to exploit in my Zukaang fics 😌. Was that ambiguity intentional? Again, I’m inclined to say no. But I can’t speak with certainty and - as I discussed earlier - I truly think Aang and Zuko’s relationship would be limited by being called “brotherly” when their connection runs so deeply and is intertwined so heavily with the spiritual themes of the show. Thus, it’s possible the writers were purposefully emphasizing that spirituality by not labelling them as “brotherly”! But as I said, there’s really no way to be sure.

At the end of the day, I don’t think it matters how someone chooses to label Aang and Zuko’s relationship. I mean, I’m always a little horrified when a person completely overlooks their narrative significance as foils (because I personally can’t imagine dismissing either of their importance to the other), but hey, to each their own. Brotherly, queerplatonic, romantic, and hell, anything in-between - these interpretations are anyone’s for the taking. Have fun with it! 💛

(I hope this at least kind of resembles the answer you were looking for, anon 😂)

[bookreadalongs]

It Ends with Us

6/15 Sat I’m pissed I accidentally deleted all my thoughts yet again.

I talked about how it would be great around page 85 if the boy was Atlas at the party. I talked about the socioeconomic juxtaposition between the two guys and Lily are foils. I talked about cute thoughtful things.

102. Ellis. This was just the right book for me at the right time. Oh! I also talked about how I thought of course she’d end up with Ryle, and how it reminded me of the ask Reddit thread “Widows, if your spouse came back to life, would you leave your current SO”? Then, how the responses varied, but what I got out of it was that everyone needs a different amount of time to mourn. It’s hard to move forward after such a great love is lost. OH!

I talked about how my greatest epic love story was two people growing up together, changing and evolving next to each other and as they changed and grew, somehow they only become more and more perfect for each other. It’s epic and a dream because that’s just not reality.

If your deceased loved one comes back, who knows how suited for each other you’ll be anymore? At some point, you just have to live with the fact that someone new is your future.

And I talked about how it started with suicide so I was like maybe Atlas commits suicide?

I talked about how I was glad she didn’t have a secret this time and that maybe Ryle had a secret, but Atlas’s was already known. The whole thing about this book is the naked truth. The gimmick of some underlying secret grows old. I love it though.

I walked into horizon books three times today to read this. I ended up having to buy it. Tia asked again why I didn’t just get a kindle…I think there is honestly something subconsciously comforting about holding a book and turning the pages. It goes back to when I was younger and had so much fun reading. It really is just a comfort. I have tried to read before on a kindle and just am less inclined to read. Maybe that’s just times I don’t feel like reading. I’ve read many a book on this phone right here.

I don’t know.

I just love books. I’ll take them digital. I’ll read them too.

on the beach now. Had to say a few things. Like how one 129 I thought Atlas would own the restaurant. And how the minute he was introduced to now he's suddenly felt like the front runner. It's like the notebook. She found the perfect guy. Attentive. In love with her. Loved by the parents. Loaded with a good job...but he built a house for her. Or a restaurant.

148. I knew it. He fricken owns the restaurant and went to her table because he wanted to know if t was her 149. The broken unfinished heart on her shoulder that Ryle kisses is to commemorate Atlas 156: but I thought her dad beat him up and that's how that ended 167: all that time...she knew that rooftop with a house on it. She searched for the nearest rooftop balcony...for him. Then she found Ryle 158; I thought that was going to end with "just keep swimming". CHoover is predictable in a lot of ways, but puts in some weirdly predictable twists that are underwhelmingly perfect...not that I ever see her twists coming -gotta get that last journal 159. A reward. Like a garden 165...fuckin from Ohio. This book just reached for me at the right time I wouldn't have gotten it if any other book interested me whatsoever today 166: and that is the first time I've seen or heard fuckface used outside of talking about what Rex said 168. Now I'm just comparing everything to Atlas. He was her best friend. He should've married her. He created her perfect day nine years ago by being miserable...maybe perfect is an overstatement 184, frick is this the end of his career? 185: holy snap...I kind of thought it would be the army guy...I just...I didn't want it to happen this way...his brother commit suicide, didn't he? This is why Alyssa was concerned that he loved her...the secret unveils. 188, wow. This is good. Really good. Seeing the confusion and hope of such a distorted situation and mind...I like it 192, at least one chance at forgiveness? At least? Very unsettling... 193, a lie. 202, why do you care about what Atlas thinks so much? Please end up with him. This is my downfall. Believing in past positive experiences over present to predict the future. This is another instance where CHoover is impressive in imprinting me wanting something to happen while still kind of in denial that it will 204, she wants Lily out of a relationship with her brother...knowing it'll hurt him and he loves her...why would she want that? 208, she must've told him. They were best friends. That's the sweetest, cutest thing I've ever heard of in a book...they both came from abusivo households...I love it so much...surely as book lovers read this, she must end up with him, right? All of that after he hit her? People can't love Ryle more than Atlas...not by this point 210, she started counting days like she did for Ryle for Atlas. See, if Atlas werent the better one, I'd just sound so stuck in the past Guck she's talking about loving as adults and comparing...shit 213, when the timing is right I'm holding on to that 217, Deb and Flow from finding memo 218, plz tell me part one was Syle...Ryle and part two is atlas 221, crap...we'll..maybe they won't get along? The beginning of the end? 222, ah shoot 223, wait...plans like that for the future in a book are only to be broken 225, aww fuck. No...Atlas hasn't just been here, cruising. Being perfect for nothing 227, husband...something bad will happen soon. Obviously. Things are just too good. Maybe he'll hit her... 230, IRONY THAT HE WILL HURT HER FOR ATLAS TRYING TO PROTECT HER BUT T WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN I love this because it makes me feel like I need to reread this in a new light. Like, were there any signs? Maybe? Maybe this is just developed? Oh gosh...the back saying sometimes the people you love hurt you the most. Shoot I thought that meant they'd definitely be endgame after he pushed her the first time I thought he found the journals 236, she knows. She has to. Also I forgot to write it, but he killed his brother? Maybe? Lead him to suicide? I don't know 244, ...what the hell...crap nuggets...UHGGG -there wouldn't be this much book left without Atlas coming back though 251, he's so much of your life now...if you break up...I guess she has the business. Where the fuck is Atlas? 257. Emerson and Ryle weird fricken name 260, don't let him blame the scotch 261, oh my fucking God. It's done. I knew it! ATLAS PLZ COME LIKE THE SUPERHERO YOU ARE 264, the moment she cried her mom wouldn't walk away was when she saw her dad almost raping her. This is so creepy 266, of course he couldn't have ended up with her. This book is so positively acclaimed...it couldn't have been if she stayed with her abuser 270. His love for her is stronger than the anger 273, he has a garden...for her. He knew it was for her 274, what a change of events. Him giving her a home, maybe some clothes, maybe some food 278, he's still so modest I love him so much 283. This alone...is she suicidal? This is what Atlas hoped she'd never feel. Something something Atlas because finding thing AHHH IS HE A HUFFLEPUFF? 295, I now see how she needed to be the way she is. She's so brace opening that shop, countering expectations and cliches. Yet...she finds herself being a cliche in the end...she just sees the gritty parts of herself. She had to always be this brace, even now. This could spring up on anyone, this book is trying to say. She was smart in the relationship taking it slow and all...yet this still happened. How? Well, we saw first hand. Kind of. Even now, she's brave. Yet, as always, jaded. 301, "I know he has at least three friends" I laughed. I love it 303, the naked truth thing was cute and good and all...but...with someone who you love and supposedly loves you so much, you shouldn't have to ask them to tell the truth. That's what they're getting at here 304, the ghost in her life came back and she still wanted him. 309, that's why he exited the narrative physically for so long...and mentally Soft. Last time...Ryle was just hard 316, fuck. I just had that moment when I was like AH DERR. She thinks she'll get everything dirty because she is a gardener. AH DUH. 323, I like that. I really like that. This book...handsome successful men can do this. It doesn't matter what appearances they give to the outside world, to their inner world either. Yes. Even if he saw her in such a sticky situation, he never should have hurt her...mental and emotional abuse is next, right 326, yeah. Wow. She feels like her dad because...people can hurt people in different ways. It doesn't make things better 336, yo. Atlas made that decision Wow damn I love this book I am so fucking basic but I'm fine with it 360, me and feeing comfortable at work, then feeling very upset when Jim was sarcastic. Emily said a day later never to take anything he says seriously, but it hurt me. Just putting so much hope and comfort into any one thing hurts when it's ripped out from under you...getting too comfortable is dangerous 361. AHHHHHHHH IT ENDS WIH US DOESNT REFER TO HER AND ATLAS OR HER AND RYDER RYLE IT ENDS WITH HER AND EM. 362, BOYLSTON?! Been waiting for a sick Boston drop that I actually knew besides Mass hospital 367, AHHHHHHH 19:25

373. 1931. AWWWWW If an author loves you, you never die