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whitewolfbumble · 6 years

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The Fallout - Part Eleven (Bucky x Reader)

Summary: You had been a ghost for years, taking down the bad guys from the shadows that had once enslaved you. That is until the Avengers finally caught up with you and yet again your life changed. But your past won’t stay dead and everything starts to shift when a familiar face joins the ranks: Bucky Barnes. He may not remember you, but you certainly remember him.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Slow burn, language, descriptions of panic attack/anxiety, forced kissing, graphic description of gore/death, graphic descriptions of torture

Word Count: About 6k

A/N: Plan to read some fluff after this (maybe try this one) lol! But please please let me know what you think of this! Like, reblog, or a message would make my day!

MY MASTERLIST // THE FALLOUT MASTERLIST // PART TEN

“There’s nothing to reprint! You can’t simply reprint memories like you can tissue!”

A low muffled reply followed. You wondered if it was Bucky, threatening Dr. Cho coldly to figure out a way. They must have been just outside your small med bay room, their silhouettes dancing on the frosted glass door. It was only dawn, the grey lighting casting grey shadows.

Again, you wiped your face with your hands, fingers pressing in hard. You ran them through your hair, searching the ends carefully, checking every piece. Again your stomach rolled and you reached for a tin bucket on your bed table as acidic bile rose up your throat and a few drops pushed out of your mouth with a shuddering heave.

Your ears rang with the memory of grinding gears, a deafening electrical buzz, and two booming gunshots. You hadn’t been laying down on a cot in a white medical room alone like you were now. Back at the Hydra complex, there had been two men room with you, strapping you to a dirty chair.

When the shots rung out, they connected with the two men standing right above you. The blood splatter that exploded from their foreheads told you that it was not rubber bullets that hit them. Chunks of bone and brain sprayed down with the blood thickly on you, caught in your burning lungs, screaming mouth, and wide eyes.

For the hundredth time, you pulled your hands across your face and through your hair. You had been trying to wipe away the long washed away viscera, stomach trying to expel the pieces of the men’s split open heads whose last remnants had long been vomited up.

When the doors opened, you sat up slightly. “Bucky?”

But it was that Steve walked in, rearranging his anxious face to one of a tight smile. No real happiness was found on his face or yours.

“Hey kid,” he started. “Room for one more?”

You put down the tin bucket back on the table, looking grimly at it before moving carefully to one side of the bed. Steve sat down there with you, putting his legs up on the cot and an arm over your shoulders.

“Dr. Cho is still uh, figuring things out. Some other doctors may be through too.”

“Steve,” you began but didn’t have it in you to finish.

There was nothing to be done.

You curled up in his chest, balled fist above his heart. It was slightly faster than normal and you looked up to him, eyes desperately sad for a moment before he plastered another small smile on his lips.

“It’ll be okay, we’ll get this figured out. I know we will.”

“I’m not,” you looked down, whispering. “I don’t feel like… myself. I don’t know… I don’t know what I… who I...”

There was this impossible moment after had Bucky stormed in, killing those men and freeing you. He carried you, dripping in the men’s blood to the jet while this thing- this tentacle- weaseled it’s way through your brain, destroying and scrambling up your life as it wriggled around. You screamed for someone or something to get it out while Bucky locked your arms to your sides, keeping you from clawing at your face and head to get at it.

You stood on the jet, unwilling to lie down on that or any other table again, stunned as suddenly, in an instant, you were just not you anymore.

There was this great divide in you, this huge conflict now.

You were missing. Whole parts of you were completely gone. You remembered your life before Bucky took you, clear as day like it had only been a mere couple years ago.

Then Hydra. You remembered being taken, being locked up, tortured, experimented on. You remembered snapshots of hazy drug-induced mania bringing you to the edge of death with every injection.

Every face was so clear, every cut burned you, every poisonous liquid in your veins shaking and disintegrating you. You remembered someone standing behind you, glued to their body as they took your hands and slashed person after person. Then they were gone, and after simply speaking a few words you were doing it yourself now, completely unable to stop. You had kept track of the days back then, and there couldn’t have been more than a few hundred.

Then, nothing.

Not until a few personal vendetta missions before Steve caught up with you and brought you into the fold.

You had been pulled from an older time to suddenly this modern future with no in between. Somehow able to remember yourself doing things- fight and kill and resist anyone with a collected cool- but you couldn’t for the life of you know how you did it. You couldn’t picture yourself knocking someone out or murdering so easily. But you had.

You jumped from a young novice to a master at your craft, and now you were left with the memories of it but no real experience in it. In your mind you looked back at your missions alone, then with Steve and the Team. You had no idea how to do any of that any more of your own free will, not without the controlling Hydra looming over you and pulling your strings.

You were two people, utterly lost and completely at odds within yourself.

“Talk me through this.” Steve said quietly, resting his head down on yours, arms wrapped around you, holding you together.

You remembered doing that for Bucky during the first nightmare you witnessed, then he did it for you. A wave of intense misery washed over you, bring tears to your eyes and a burning in your throat. Your friendship with Steve hadn’t dissipated with the mind-wipe, but neither did your feelings for Bucky. He was the one you wanted here with you.

“I remember Kyiv?” you offered, sniffling in his shirt. “I can’t… there isn’t much before that.”

“You don’t remember your previous life at all? Where you were.” he asked grimly. He passed you a tissue and you took it, crumpling it in your hands distracted.

“No, I do. It was Hydra. They… I did things for Hydra.”

“Yeah,” Steve said, not overly happy to have to confirm the news. “You were with them.”

“But I don’t remember it.” you looked to him. “Not all of it, I mean. Maybe the first few years but…”

“It’ll be okay, we’ll g--” But he stopped, body frozen for a moment.

“What is it?”

“I hate to ask Y/N, I really do. But I need to know.” he started, then spoke deliberately. “Do you remembered being triggered?”

“I… I don’t know.” You didn’t want to think or talk about it, to be honest.

“Doing something that you had no control over, like someone was controlling you.”

“Um,” you sputtered, swallowing down to all too recent-feeling memories. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

You wouldn’t have hurt the people you did willingly. But you had been alone many of those times and all you could do was internally scream at the top of your lungs, mentally begging for someone to stop you or kill you. Yet somehow through the years you lived on, ending up here.

Steve took a deep breath in. “Do you remember being able to overcome them triggering you? Do you know how you did that?”

“I…” you stopped, having to actually think about that. “I don’t.”

Panic rose, tightening your chest and removing the oxygen from the room in a second.

Oh god, no.

“You would sing. You would focus on a song and block everything else out. You described it to me before, like when a tune gets stuck in your head and you can’t think of anything else or stop singing it. Just for you, it was on a different level. It took you years to learn to do that, for your brain to overpower their brainwashing with that intense focus.”

“I don’t, I don’t think I can anymore.”

Oh no. Oh no no no.

You couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think to try and breath with your mind racing too fast. Everything was too much. The suddenly grey light was too bright, the blanket covering you too claustrophobic, the soft buzz from the medical equipment nearby too loud.

“Steve, don’t let them do that to me again.” you begged, voice rising with every word. “I don’t know how to fight them now, do I? I remember fighting them but I can’t- I don’t know, I just- please Steve, just make this stop!”

He held you bracingly close as everything around you crumbled. Anxiety crawled over your skin and pierced through you, seizing your lungs and squeezing your mind. Thoughts racing to no end you couldn’t focus, couldn’t see your own hand in front of you. Everything was too much, like you were taking in too much air and no air at all, drowning in this bed on nothing but pure searing panic.

Steve held you, speaking right into your ear and you heard the words but you couldn’t process them. And he couldn’t hold you together.

Hydra could trigger you again now. Hydra could trigger you.

They could make you do whatever they wanted all over again. And now there was nothing you could do to stop it. You didn’t remember how.

Was that their plan?

“Doctor!”

“Steve please!” you screamed. “I don’t want this! I can’t do this anymore, they hurt me so much. Don’t let me hurt anyone else, please, oh god don’t let them hurt me!

He held you down and the panic took you, body moving and struggling against an assailant that you couldn’t see, couldn’t fight. Tears streamed down your face blocking out everything around you, your only focus on the pain. You cried out desperately as though in a void alone.

“Why isn’t he here, Steve?” you sobbed into his chest, tasting blood as you shook violently, biting your tongue. “Where did he go? He just left! Please, where is he, please!”

Through your tears you didn’t see Dr. Cho walking in, needle filled with a clear liquid in hand. You didn't feel the prick of it on your arm. But you did feel a cool numbing feeling start to slowly circulate through you.

As your mind and body slowed, every part of you grew lethargic, including the mordacious panic. Slowly, your heavy lids began to close as your heart rate began to drop down to a puttering, drowsy pace.

You wondered, in that numbing haze, if you saw the silhouette of Bucky in the doorway watching you.

But you couldn’t reach out, couldn’t ask before darkness overtook you.

The training room used to be an enjoyable space for you. It was your element. Or had been.

You swung your fist out again, hitting the punching bag quite off your mental target. It was sloppy, slower than you thought it should be, and didn’t quite land right. You pulled back your fist in a huff, inspecting your knuckles, looking for something there that would have thrown this off.

But it was you.

Your muscle memory that had once ruled your body was practically gone. Your years of experience and of practice were missing now. You knew how it felt to hit the punching bag properly. You knew exactly where on it to hit, how fast you should strike, and the feel of it, your skin numb to the impact.

But this was stinging, it was awkward, and it left you frustrated in your failure.

You wouldn’t be in here hour after hour if you could help it though. At least the punching bag was a distraction, if not an annoying one.

“How about a run?” Steve said, walking in with a water bottle in hand, ready to go. He looked beat down a little and moving slower than usual.

“I don’t know, I might trip over my feet.” you said darkly.

“C’mon,” he started, hand resting on the side of the bag. “You know this is going to take time. Have a little a grace for yourself.”

“How can I when this is fucking ridiculous?” you spat, beginning to pace around the mat.

You had been keeping this up all afternoon. The morning you had spent combing through the Hydra files, reading through your old missions. That didn’t last long. You could barely stomach it.

“I had reflexes and I had muscle memory just a few days ago! Where the hell did that go? That wasn’t in my mind, that was my body. And now it feels fucking useless.”

Steve shook his head. “You can’t think like that Y/N, your mind is more powerful and plays a bigger part of it. But you’ll relearn it, I promise you. We’ll train together.”

“You can’t teach me what I want to know.”

“What, how to kill someone?” he said almost defiantly. “No, you’re right, I won’t do that.”

“Than I want to know how to fight them. You’ve fought them but you don’t know them the same as I did. Hydra is coming after me, I need someone who knows how to fight them.”

“Y/N,” Steve said, dropping his voice down in understanding. “It’s only been a day. Give him time.”

You scowled, both wanting to talk about it and definitely not wanting to talk about it. Nothing was straightforward in your life besides a deep seeded wanting. A wanting for someone who was avoiding you.

“It was news he wasn’t prepared for. It’s an adjustment. Bucky’ll come back around, just give him time.”

“He’s mad at me for not telling him.” you ventured.

“He’s mad at himself that it happened at all. He’ll get through this, and so will you. We all will.”

You were waiting, sitting perched on a bar counter in a large, completely empty room. In fact the whole floor was abandoned, the Team either sensing the coming storm or more likely Steve giving them a heads up.

It was another grey day, much like the last couple. Like the one you woke up in a few days ago, beginning this new chapter with you as this... person. The same as you were yet markedly different.

You had yet to get used to it and doubted you ever will. You could- and would- relearn what you needed to defend yourself and others. But you couldn’t think of a way to actually get those lost memories back. Would there always be this hole in your life?

Maybe it was a good thing, forgetting so much of your years at Hydra. But however awful it was, the pain had ultimately brought you here. It made you capable of surviving anything and everything, and made you a fighter, uncompromising in your will to win. Now you were at the mercy of others.

A distinct ping sounded, echoing down the hall. As you heard the elevator doors open, your stomach dropped. You clutched your shirt over your abdomen trying for a moment to knead out the nausea.

Hearing heavy and hurried footsteps, you did you best to steady yourself and sat as upright as your emotion-wearied body could.

A quick second later you found yourself alone with Bucky in a large, vacant room.

He strode in, not looking at you as he moved, staying against the wall on the far opposite side of the room. He was stoic, standing at full height, black long sleeve shirt stretched across him too tight, face dark. But the bags under his eyes matched Steve’s.

With a pang of guilt, you understood: he wasn’t sleeping. Steve must have been trying to help as you recalled his exhausted face too, and by the looks of it unsuccessfully.

As he turned to face you straight on, you noticed his palour was greyish and those bags under his eyes looked a blueish purple. The blue of his eyes hung low watching you, as emotionless as you had ever seen them. The hard line of his mouth confirmed his cold-blooded state. He was unfeeling, detached to as far of an extreme as he could take himself.

He didn’t say hello, or ask how you were. He barely even seemed to see you, though he was looking right at you. You imagined he would’ve noticed your weariness too, being unable to sleep without Dr. Cho knocking you out, though that couldn’t last forever. Or how slumped your shoulders were. How hollow your face was. How you held yourself like at any moment you were going to be in pain again, constantly bracing yourself, crunched up in anxiety. But without pause to take you in or really look at you at all, you didn’t think he actually saw any of that.

“Tell me what happened.”

A tidal wave of cold struck you from that tone, those eyes. He wasn’t necessarily threatening and wasn’t exactly angry, just so incredibly frigid in a stoically, emotionless way. Maybe this was how the others viewed him. But you realized this dispassionate state was probably the only way he could get through this.

You wanted to say his name, but stopped yourself as the word formed in your mouth, remembering your breathy utterance of it on the balcony, then it being repeated on the intercom over and over before this all went to shit.

“I don’t r-”

“You’ve kept this from me since day one.” he said, cutting you off. “You knew me this whole time. Tell me what happened.”

You sighed. You weren’t trying to make this difficult- you had done enough of that clearly- but you were only trying to be honest.

“I was going to say that I don’t remember everything, just the beginning few years. And the last couple. Everything in between is a blank.”

You could feel the burning tears spring up in your eyes at that. You looked away from him, blinking them away as subtly as possible while you carried on.

This wasn’t over half a century old anymore, not that it ever truly felt that way. Everything that happened felt like a few short years, trauma you might have thought at one point that you were over (which wasn’t true) but that you now don’t remember actually getting over. It was still a gaping hole in your side, bruised and jagged and bleeding. It took your breath away.

“I was young, it was the 50’s. And you took me.”

It really had been that simple. Nothing you could have done to stop him, nothing he could have done to stop himself. Though you both had tried at the time.

“Why did I take you.” he said, dead eyes pushing you as far back in the room as they could, holding you there.

Both your voices echo in the expansive yet somehow stifling space between you. He said his words like he had been practicing how this was going to go, to stay focused and leave just as fast as he came. To get as far away from you.

“I didn’t know at the time,” you said quietly. “I genuinely think you were after someone else though. I was just… there.”

The only give away that he was feeling anything was the slightly quickened pace of his chest rising and falling. If not for that you would have thought him a statue.

“Why did I do it at all.”

It was a reasonable question. You had been a normal girl back then: young, naive, maybe a little confrontational but certainly not anything close to the Siren material they made you into. Why on earth would he have picked you?

“Bucky, you have to understand… I know you were a sniper in the war and were on an elite team but…” you sighed.

All this would break his heart and there was nothing you could do about it. He knew now and wouldn’t let you hide that rest of it anymore.

“Hydra wasn’t just going to send you out to assassinate presidents or topple governments from day one. They had to start you off on low risk, basic missions to test your ability to comply. To put you in familiar territory and know that you would complete your task. To know that no matter what, their brainwashing would work. It was just a test. I wasn’t the first or the last of the people you captured before they… “graduated” you to Winter Solider.”

He paused just for a moment, though you didn’t when you answered: “What did I do to you.”

“Does it matter?” you breathed, trying one time to give him an out.

He didn’t have to go through the pain of this. You had, wasn’t that enough for you both?

But he had to know, had to use this to punish himself. He could feel terribly worthless and hate himself for killing people in his past. But this was you and you were not a ghost and you were not a stranger. This was far more personal, hit far deeper.

“What did I do to you.” That sounded almost more like a threat, coming low and intense.

You took a moment, looking down in defeat and almost embarrassment. This was so uncomfortable for you, maybe he realized that and maybe he didn’t, but bringing this up made you relive it all over again. You didn’t have the buffer of time to distance yourself from it anymore.

“That first day, you took me to Vier Gliedmaßen.” you confessed. “You put me in a cell. I was “processed”, as they called it. Once that was over you stayed until they told you to leave me alone.”

That was bare bones and you both knew it. You didn’t mention the screaming, the excruciating pain, the unending terror as you were pulled away from your family, your life and dumped without reason into hell itself. The worst nightmare you could think of at the time was what Bucky had done: kidnap and lock you up. Until Hydra showed you how much more terror there was to fear in the world.

“What did I do to you.” You wondered if he was going to close the gap, body tensed up, but you wouldn't play this game. You wouldn’t add to his torment.

“No,” you said shaking your head. “You didn’t do anything, Bucky. You didn’t. They did.”

“Tell me what I did to you.” he said again, louder.

This was your fear realized. This was exactly what you knew would come if he found out.

“You cried for me. You hesitated for me. You tried with everything in you to stop. You railed against their brainwashing. You did that. All the other soldiers that came in through the years did that too. They were not the ones hurting me, Bucky. I realized that quickly. It wasn’t you hurting me Bucky. You never lifted a finger against me.”

“Stop making excuses. What did I do to you.” he said forcefully, eyes still dead.

“Hydra took me from my life.” you started, voice rising. You hopped off the counter and started closing the distance between you, his stare making it feel like wading through icy water. “Hydra sliced me open. Hydra beat me. Hydra experimented on me. Hydra did that.”

When you reached him, you stared up at him for a moment. Oh god, you wanted the kind face of Bucky when he reminisced, when you sat together drinking tea in the kitchen, when you climbed into bed together at night. Not the hardened face of a man in too much agony to show it.

You reached up to put your hands on either side of his face but he flinched back, recoiling at your touch. You pulled away and stepped back, burning eyes looking up to the ceiling. You remember how so sweetly in his sleep he said that you were the only one he wanted touching him, the only one he could imagine touching him. Now he recoiled from you.

This was so fucking complicated. And it was either cry or get angry, so you decided to get angry.

“I’m not a victim, Bucky!” you half yelled. “I’m a survivor! I survived them and everything they did to me! You didn’t hurt me because you wanted too, because of your own free will that was what you actually wanted! You did it because they forced you. They forced you, just like they forced me to endure it.”

“That isn’t true, just stop.”

“No, because I know you don’t get it! I couldn’t… I couldn’t tell you before. And yes, I probably should have, but fuck, Bucky, haven’t we gone through enough?”

“You’re wrong!” he was louder now, voice slightly manic for just a moment, matching your volume.

“Maybe you were the first, but you weren’t the only soldier they sent in Bucky.” you continued, unrelenting. “I was made by them to be violent and they hopped me up on whatever drugs they could give me to last longer, move faster, torture more insanely. They had their tricks but sometimes I was just too hard to handle. I wasn’t like you, cold and calculating. They wanted me more unhinged, to cause deeper pain to people. So when I failed a mission? Or when I hesitated? They would send a soldier in. And the soldiers that beat me? That tore the skin off of me? That snapped my spine? That…”

You couldn’t finish, putting your palms up to your eyes, trying to force the tears back. The pain was so fresh to you your whole body stung. You took in a shaky breath before you could continue, looking through bloodshot, tear-soaked eyes to him.

“I didn’t blame a single one. Not anyone of them, and not you!” Blood pooled in your hands as you nails dug into your skin in your closed fist. “They didn’t have a choice, they couldn’t fight it! Hydra took them too. They tortured them. They made them do horrible things. Hydra is to blame for all of this. Not you.”

“You didn’t tell me any of this. Why.” he said, voice low again, deliberately now trying not to match the heat of your outburst in his icy exterior.

“Because of exactly what you’re feeling now and trying not to show, damn it!”

He stood unmoving, dark features glued to yours. You were a mess and he was a stone statue.

“You’re in pain, Bucky. You’ve gone through enough of that. So have I. I didn’t want this for either of us.”

He narrowed his eyes and you almost shivered at the cold he threw at you with them. “That isn’t true and you know it.”

“You think I wanted this? I wanted Hydra to come barreling back into my life not on my terms but theirs? That I wanted to be threatened, half killed, tortured, mind fucked, and end up with you finding out like this?”

“You love the fight, Y/N. You run to it, you fucking crave it.” he snapped, the bark cutting through you.

“What the hell is that suppose to mean? Why does that matter? I was programmed to fight, I’ve been fighting for decades. If there is an enemy, I go after it before they go after me. We talked about that after The Black first arrived.”

“You love the carnage and the pain—“

“The fuck I d—“

“And that’s why you have feelings for me.”

His words silenced everything in you and you both stood there, him with fists now clenched and lip almost curled in anger, while you dropped your anger in shock.

How could he possibly think that of all things? That couldn’t be true.

“You wanted to relive the fight.” he continued darkly. “Then prove you can rise above it. So you can defy them all over and over again. Defiance; that what this is about. They used me to… to hurt you, and you want to be with me as a flip off to them.”

“Bucky,” your voice was much lower and much softer than before, because holy shit this was going off the fucking rails.

“That’s not true. Let me be clear here… you’re right. I do have feelings for you. Deeper than I’ve had for anyone.”

Saying that to a man that was standing there, watching you with icy and unfeeling eyes was almost unbearable. It was like the words snapped back and struck you. You tried to hold your body up but at the pain of the lashing words you felt yourself twist with the sting of them.

“But I don’t want to be with you because of Hydra. It’s very much in spite of Hydra that I feel how I do. How fucking twisted would that be? I’m not like that, you have to be able to see that it just isn’t like that.”

His face scrunched up and for the first time you saw a flash of agonizing heartbreak behind them.

“Then why the fuck do feel for me, Y/N? Why wouldn’t you want to kill me or hate me or tear me apart? I did this to you. Your whole life with them. That was because of me.”

You brought your hands up to your neck, eyes closed for a moment. You felt your pulse racing under your palms. You didn’t want to have this conversation, you never had wanted too. Your body and mind and soul couldn’t handle it.

“I have emotions, Bucky, and I can’t always explain why I feel what I do. I didn’t have the best role models at Hydra and years of torture tend to warp people. I think and I feel and it can be sick and illogical but it’s honest, Bucky. I can’t just turn it off. I know it’s… twisted maybe to feel for you like I do, but it’s… it’s real.”

You felt the next words in your throat coming up like vomit in your mouth, and you couldn’t stop them. They didn’t spill out violently but hushed in the space between you.

“Maybe you hate yourself or don’t feel worthy or feel damaged. Or maybe you just hate me for all this. But I… but I love you, Bucky. And I don’t care, you can push me away however far you want. Maybe I’m too tainted by Hydra now, and you’ll only ever see me as a victim. But fuck that because I’m not that person, you’re not terrible, and I won’t stop feeling this way.”

“Stop, just stop this.” His voice was hushed too, cold mask cracking with the heartache bubbling up from underneath it.

“Maybe you don’t want to hear this now, but you are worthy, you are loved, and you are not what they did to you,” you said, voice turning more resolute as you spoke, almost shaking with this truth. “I’ll keep telling you that over and over until you really hear it. Until you know it and feel it. I know that it’s not going to be today, but one day that will finally sink in. And even then I won’t stop saying it. So hate yourself and hate me all you want. It’s the goddamn truth."

The fireplace flickered and hummed beside you, curled up in the farthest corner of the room. Windows surrounded you, shedding bright light on the book you had been unable to read a single word from, even though you had been trying for over an hour.

You were impossibly cold yet you didn’t wrap yourself up in the plush blankets nearby, choosing instead to remain uncomfortable. You couldn’t nod off, your dreams coming on in too much horrific detail before even F.R.I.D.A.Y could wake you up.

Dr. Cho had been shooting you up with something to knock you out at night, but you couldn’t sustain it, the drug basically put you in a coma that would be enough to kill an average person. Maybe your drug tolerance was impossibly high due to Hydra’s experimentation but this was a short-term solution to what you knew to be a long-term problem. You didn’t remember how you dealt with it after escaping Hydra and before you met the Team, so you were on your own in trying to figure out a way to cope.

Basically, you looked like a ghost and felt dead too. But that feeling was more so because of your conversation- your entire complicated life- with Bucky than sleep at the moment.

“Incoming message from Steve, Y/N.” said F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s smooth voice.

“Please.” you said, desperate for a distraction.

“Hey, whereabouts are you?”

“The lounge, why?” Despite how it made your stomach roll walking in here, this was the only spot without a soul around.

“Just checking in, be there in a second.”

Bless him, poor Steve. He was on Bucky duty and now Y/N duty.

The others had generally given you space besides a kind word or pleasant small talk, thinking you would want some time to work through this. It was true, but you also intensely felt alone. Not so much lonely, but more like the foundation-crushing, soul-shattering alone feeling, like you were bound to a life of isolation now. It was dramatic but so true you felt in your soul and your body ached with it.

Nothing the others did or said could fix or change this feeling in you; you only wanted one person through this. And he could barely stand to be near you.

Steve did provide a little relief though, and you welcomed your interactions with him, even if the brief feeling of companionship fleeted just moments after seeing him.

He walked in, blue shirt lighting up his bright eyes and bringing out his perfect shade of blonde. It also accentuated the purple puffs under his eyes and bruises on his arms. He obviously wasn’t sleeping well either being on nightmare duty with Bucky.

“How does the other guy look?” you said as he walked over to you, sitting on the arm of chair just beside you.

“I haven’t seen him yet. He’s not really taking any visitors at the moment.”

“Never thought you would be called that in his books.”

“Me either.” he said, drained. “You okay?”

“Not any better than you are probably feeling.” He gave a small smile at that.

“How did it go?” He scooted off the arm and sat back in the chair, grey city buildings as his backdrop.

You swallowed, shaking your head and looking away from him into the flames of the fireplace.

“It was awful. Exhausting. Weird.” you said, speaking truth to your oldest friend. “He was so bitterly cold? He’s never been that way with me, even when I broke into his apartment before he came on the Team.”

“He’s angry, Y/N.” Steve explained softly. "It’s a lot to take in, I’m sure. Hydra did a number on him.”

“Yeah,” You quirked an eyebrow. “But he’s angry at me too.”

“I don’t think so, you didn’t choose this either,” he said, giving you a look.

“I didn’t say I did, but that doesn’t make it different.” you sighed, before wrapping your arms around yourself and looking back to the flames. “I just miss him.”

You spoke that last part so quietly, you wondered if maybe Steve didn’t hear it. But in the silence, he put a hand on your arm. You brought your own hand up and held onto his. Yet you still felt so desperately alone.

“What did you say to him?” This time his entrance was a lot less calm.

Nat looked up from her bowl of popcorn at the kitchen island, but Steve only took notice of you, who was in the middle of making a bowl of cereal.

“I, uh,” you said, taken a little off guard. The sun was going down and you were too tired to hold much of a conversation at this hour on so little sleep. “Earlier, with him? The basics. Nothing in too much detail.”

Nat hadn’t pried but you knew that she must know you and Bucky had it out earlier. Though you weren’t looking to have this conversation in front of anyone really, friend or no.

“I’ll just uh…” she said, grabbing the bowl and slipping out with a raised eyebrow to you. Again, Steve didn’t acknowledge her, standing in front of you with a carton of milk in your hand.

“Y/N, what did you say?” he repeated.

You opened your mouth to respond, hand gesture splashing milk inside its carton. Before you could string a few words together, you really looked at him. He looked exhausted, even more so than before, looking suddenly like several of those seventy years on ice had caught up with him.

“Just that it wasn’t him who did all of that to me.” you started. “That he didn’t hurt me, they did. Steve, what’s wrong?”

“He’s… he’s in a bad spot, Y/N.”

“Well, I don’t know, I—”

“There has to be something else.” he said, eyes searching yours. “He talked to me somewhat before you two did… He could imagine what he did to you Y/N, that’s no stretch to him. But I finally was able to convince him to talk to me tonight and…”

He faded off in a huff. What had Bucky said?

Oh god, what were you going to say...

“Okay,” you said awkwardly, words uneven and anxious. “I said more than just talking about what Hydra did through him. I also I may…I have... feelings for him too.”

Steve’s face pulled into perplexity, then something clicked and he shook his head, mouth forming a tight line.

“I’m trying to make it better, Steve.” you began quickly before he spoke. “I didn’t say all that because I wanted to make this worse. What’s happening?”

He looked down, nodding his head. What was happening to Bucky? What had those words caused him to do?

“Steve, what happened?” you tilted your head, trying to get him to look at you.

“Maybe just stay away from him for now.” Steve said eventually, pulling back and leaving the kitchen quickly.

Though you thought your heart was filled with beyond its capacity to feel, you suddenly felt like his words had stabbed you directly in the chest.

The scream brought you back to your first night in Bucky’s bed.

You thought of that first night as you ran down his hall now, hearing glass shatter and deep yelling boom out. As you reached the door you practically slammed into it. It was locked.

You called out to F.R.I.D.A.Y. who would not let you in, citing access was restricted. You tried to override the door, but Bucky had altered the security settings, keeping you specifically out.

“Bucky!” you yelled, pounding the door. “What’s wrong? Wake up!”

A choked grunt sounded with another distinct yell at the same time, and you knew someone else was already in there.

“Steve! Steve, let me in now!” There clearly was a fight happening, and if it was night terror Bucky (the Solider) you needed to get in there now.

Your experience with Bucky had once made you better than anyone to spar with him, much to Bucky’s confusion at the time. Without his shield Steve couldn’t win against him, Bucky having a lot more deadly fighting experience while Steve was on ice. But you had fought against him for years. Eventually learning his moves and predicting them. When he sparred with you, you were still always level footed with him, metal arm or no.

But there was no guarantee that you’d be able to even dodge one punch from him now.

The door clicked suddenly with a choked voice from inside, F.R.I.D.A.Y. unlocking it and you entered the dark room in haste. Right away you saw Steve in a headlock practically blue under Bucky’s metal prosthetic arm.

“Bucky, stop! Soldat!” you shouted into the dark room.

He turned to you and dropped the half-unconscious Steve at his feet.

Quickly his focus was on you, and he came at you with a grunt. Immediately you dropped down to dodge him, but he was faster than you and reached down to grab your shoulder, throwing you back clean over Steve. You hit his bookcase hard, books, records, and pictures slamming down on the floor same as you.

You were on your knees, briefly dazed, before he grabbed your arm roughly. Bucky pulled it backwards, forcing you down with your back to the ground with a slam. The air exited your lungs violently as his knees found their way to your thighs, pinning you down with painful force. He grabbed your wrist and held it down by your head, just as you lungs began to work again.

Your gasp was cut short as his lips hit yours, hard and painful.

Last time this happened you brought your legs up to his neck in a leg lock and flipped him over. You had taken him down in seconds with precision and speed, even after exhaustion had cut you to the quick.

But this time you didn’t pull away. You didn’t fight his hand crushing your arm, or hips pinning you to the floor painfully, knees digging into you.

You let him kiss you and you began to kiss him back. And slowly it turned from an angry, fighting kiss to something softer, something deeper. As it turned soft, his hand began releasing its crushing grip, body melt into yours rather than forcing it down. It went from an abrasive assault on your mouth to something delicately wet and warm.

And when he finally pulled back, it wasn't the Soldier, but him again. Looking down to you with warm blue eyes he watched you for a moment an almost smile dancing on his wet lips, tip of his nose brushing against yours. That look brought you feelings of cool air surrounding you, dark night sky above you, and his warm body pressed against you, the memory of the balcony replacing that first nightmarish kiss.

But that look dissipated, replaced by the pain and coldness of earlier that day as cruel reality settled back in.

He pulled away and shot up, blinking fast as horror and surprise set in, lifting himself off you. He looked around, getting his bearings in the confusing dark room. He spotted Steve watching him, face bewildered and pained as he rubbed his neck. Bucky quickly pushed past him and took off running down the hall away from you both.

You sat up, leaning back against the bookcase, hands over your face. Time ticked by and you couldn’t bring yourself to move. Moving meant facing this, and you just didn't have the will to do so. So there you sat, on the ground surrounded by splayed open books and broken records.

“Can we go back to the beginning, Steve?” you said, voice coming out like a sob. You hadn’t noticed the tears spilling through your hands. “Can we just start this over?”

PART TWELVE

Apologies for the lack of light moments in this chapter! The next chapter will be quite different from this one. If you read/enjoyed this part (depressive theme and all), please let me know somehow! A like or reblog or message will make me love you forever.

Tags: @seninjakitey @thetimidsarcasticcat @dontpanc @hawkspriing @kanekibooty @elizabeth-rose771 @methefandompanda @bookluver01 @celinejfong @themosthappyfangirl @themermaidpirate @andreamichellejodeit

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky fanfiction #bucky fanfic #marvel #marvel fanficion #marvel fanfic #avengers #avengers fanfiction #avengers fanfic #the fallout #the fallout part eleven

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eplreport · 3 years

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UEFA Champions League Power Rankings: Liverpool, PSG on the up as Chelsea slide down after loss to Juventus

It has been a dramatic week in the Champions League and beyond with shock results and clashes between some of the continent's biggest teams. Now with a second of the group stage games in the can we are now at the stage where we can start to make a realistic assessment of who is likely to be in the business end of the competition. As such, don't consider these power rankings to be necessarily indicative of the best teams in Europe but instead of those most likely to reach the business end of the Champions League. In other words, sorry AC Milan. Here's how the teams are shaping up ahead of the international break:

The top tier: Title or bust

These teams should be disappointed with anything less than a semi final berth and frankly even that might not be enough, such is their talent profile. 1. Manchester City (--) Their brutal week of away games against Chelsea, Paris Saint-Germain and Liverpool may have yielded only four points and yet their status as Europe's top team has probably been enhanced. In each match there were spells where their opponents simply could not live with Pep Guardiola's side even if the familiar issues of chance conversion raised their ugly head. Still across those three matches City created shots worth 5.49 expected goals (xG) and allowed three star-studded attacks just 1.76 xG. That bodes well for the business end of the season. 2. Liverpool (+1) Mohamed Salah might be Europe's form forward right now with Sadio Mane not far behind him. Both look back to their best with a stable foundation behind them. If there is a scintilla of doubt over Jurgen Klopp's side at the moment it is that they can be guilty of letting teams back into games they seem to be dominating; even though City upped their game dramatically on Sunday at Anfield the first 15 minutes felt rather similar to games against AC Milan and Brentford where Liverpool let a moment slip by. 3. Bayern Munich (+1) A 2-1 defeat to Eintracht Frankfurt spoiled their impressive start to the season but the sort of robust treatment the visitors meted out on Bayern probably is not a practical response to dealing with this all conquering attack. On Sunday a combination of loose final passes and excellent goalkeeping from Kevin Trapp denied them but the eight goals of evidence they have from the Champions League suggests those sorts of days will be few and far between.

Serious contenders: If things go right, why not us?

It certainly is not beyond the realm of imagination that any of these teams could be lifting the European Cup in Istanbul come May, though it may require a few fortunate breaks for the tournament to go their way. 4. Paris Saint-Germain (+1) PSG's simultaneously underwhelming and impressive season continued in that fashion last week as moments of magic from Lionel Messi and Idrissa Gueye took them to a win over a Manchester City side to whom they gave plenty of routes back into the match. Then they failed to muster a single shot on target in the second half of a 2-0 loss to Rennes. Their defense looks like it needs a lot more time to coalesce whilst we are still yet to see all the big three click at the same time. Craving even more coverage of the world's game? Listen below and follow ¡Qué Golazo! A Daily CBS Soccer Podcast where we take you beyond the pitch and around the globe for commentary, previews, recaps and more. 5. Chelsea (-3) While a 3-1 win over Southampton eased any murmurs of disaffection there are still real causes for concern at Chelsea, who struggled to create any meaningful chances when all square with Manchester City and Juventus. Their defense is giving up good chances far more frequently than it did last season and that has so far not been balanced out by greater attacking impetus at the other end.

Dark horses: Unlikely contenders, but contenders all the same

These teams are unlikely champions, but then so were Chelsea this time a year ago. It may take a change of circumstances like the Blues had when they appointed Thomas Tuchel, perhaps a new signing or the unearthing of a new tactical plan. It's possible, but certainly not probable. 6. Borussia Dortmund (-2) A slightly clunky 1-0 win over Sporting and a 2-1 victory against Augsburg might not normally be such cause for optimism at Dortmund but the fact that they were earned without Erling Haaland (and in the former case Julian Brandt) is encouraging for Marco Rose. There are few downsides to having one of the best young strikers in the world but Dortmund had on occasion been looking a little too reliant on Haaland, not least because his understudy Donyell Malen had started slowly in the Bundesliga. A goal in the Champions League offers hope that that might be about to change. 7. Ajax (+2) No team has a higher xG through two group stage games than Ajax, who pummeled both Sporting and Besiktas into submission. Erik ten Hag's side seems to have options all over the pitch in what looks to be a relatively orthodox 4-3-3 executed to aplomb with players who might not be the most heralded of stars but click excellently together. In particular Steven Berghuis' late runs from midfield could well pose a problem deep into this tournament. 8. Sevilla (-1) It has been a rather underwhelming week for Julen Lopetegui's side but crucially they came back from Wolfsburg with a point after Ivan Rakitic's late goal. Their 1-0 defeat against Granada was something of a forgivable result, they only allowed three shots for their opponents though they themselves went nearly an hour between shots that drew a save from Luis Maximiano. 9. Real Madrid (-3) A horrendous week for Carlo Ancelotti saw his side follow one of the greatest upsets in Champions League group stage history -- their 2-1 defeat at home to Sheriff -- with a loss by the same scoreline against Espanyol. On both occasions they created the chances to win the game but they are perhaps overly reliant on the scoring form of Karim Benzema and Vinicius Junior, who account for over half of Madrid's shots on target in the Champions League and La Liga. 10. Atletico Madrid (+1) Though wins over AC Milan and Barcelona have them sitting pretty in both major competitions it is worth reflecting on how much of the first of those games passed by before Atleti really looked like exploiting their man advantage following Franck Kessie's red card. In Europe in particular it feels like Diego Simeone's side need an awful lot of time, fortune and high grade attacking talent on the pitch just to test their opponents. 11. Manchester United (-1) Though Cristiano Ronaldo's late goal against Villarreal kept them firmly in the mix in Group F each successive game seems to be proving the limitations of United's hero ball approach. Against Everton they looked devoid of ideas to carve open two banks of four and for a team whose best attacking moments seem to come on the counter they have precious little idea how to stop other teams doing it to them. If they do not develop a plan soon Ole Gunnar Solskjaer might be out of a job and there are no guarantees the team will get out of their group.

Knockout stage contenders

You will note here that there are slightly more contenders for the knockout stages than there will be teams in there. Welcome to the wonder of those teams battling for second spot in the groups. There will always be someone disappointed. 12. Juventus (+1) 13. Inter Milan (-1) One might make a convincing case that Inter, still unbeaten in Serie A and averaging three goals per game, are the better of the two Italian sides in 12th and 13th but after picking up just a point from their first two group fixtures they are firmly behind the eight ball in the Champions League and can ill afford further slip ups against Sheriff in the coming matches. Meanwhile Juventus' resilient victory over Chelsea was perhaps not the sort they could repeat on a regular basis. But then they won't need to for a while yet with favorable meetings with Zenit Saint Petersburg and Malmo to come. It probably will not be long until Massimiliano Allegri's side reach the last 16. 14. Benfica (+3) 15. Red Bull Salzburg (+4) 16. Atalanta (-1) 17. Wolfsburg (-3) 18. Villarreal (--) 19. Sheriff Tiraspol (+7) Their 2-1 win over Real Madrid was hardly vintage football from Sheriff, who gave up all the chances their opponents needed and more after their opening goal in the Santiago Bernabeu, but there were moments that showed why the Moldovan champions have proven to be such a tough out for seasoned European sides. In the 24 minutes before their opener Yuriy Vernydub's side kept the 13-time European champions to four shots worth a combined 0.24 xG. This is a defense that can hold out the best of them, though perhaps not under the pressure that Madrid put on them. 20. Barcelona (-4)

In the mix

A few fortunate breaks and they may find themselves extending their Champions League involvement beyond Christmas. Don't bet on it though. 21. Porto (+1) 22. Club Brugge (+9) 23. Shakhtar Donetsk (+4) 24. Dynamo Kyiv (+1) 25. Zenit Saint Petersburg (+4) 26. RB Leipzig (-7) Jesse Marsch's task of pipping one of Manchester City and PSG to the post in Group A seemed herculean from the outset. It might just be beyond them after their loss to Club Brugge. Their league form is beginning to turn a corner but one cannot help but feel that their best prospect now is to play catch up with the Belgians and hope they can steal in to earn a Europa League spot. Considering they would then rank among the favorites for that competition it may not be the worst of consolations. 27. Young Boys (+3) 28. AC Milan (-7) 29. Sporting (-3) 30. Besiktas (-3) When the draw was made Group C seemed to offer the most intrigue with no obvious front runner. Everyone seemed to be in the mix for qualifying but now it would appear that Ajax and Borussia Dortmund are streaking ahead. For Sporting or Besiktas to have any real chance of reaching the top two they will have to take four points from their back to back fixtures over the coming weeks.

Slipping out of Europe

There are no bad teams in the Champions League but these will do well to extend their involvement in European football beyond Christmas. 31. Lille (-3) 32. Malmo (--) Source link Read the full article

#champions #Chelsea #Juventus #League #Liverpool #loss #Power #PSG #Rankings #slide #UEFA

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