#where’s this anger and energy when women are treated like shit everyday

[lesbianpegbar]

why are we sooooooo reactionary against women saying that they hate men. we are so quick to coddle every guy on this planet before we ask ourselves why women might feel and say that. “ugh i hate women who say they hate men men are so beautiful and wonderful don’t forget that” like do you guys go outside. do you know what it’s like to be a woman. maybe i say i hate men bc my entire life i’ve been sexualized and harassed and talked over and ogled and infantilized and followed and yelled at and treated like a lesser human being. idk maybe that’s why. but sorry that’s mean i love men so much i’m kissing and holding all the kings out there so gently

[amnxsia]

The Honored One 

“Throughout heaven and earth, I alone am the honored one. Only my pleasure and displeasure exists.”

A/n: This fic is apart of @zeeroweenies​ fright night collab!

Thank you to @namrekcaivel and @peachy-momos for beta reading!

Both Eren and reader are aged up they are around 4000 years old! 

Mikasa is ooc

Taglist: @kirsteiiins @callmepromise, @namischild, @namrekcaivel, @aotwrites, @erens-piss-cleaner, @sofi-yeager, @peachysimp, @fiaficsxo, @eremiie, @odmlevis, @instantnuma, @levibasketcase, @weepinglevi, @bruhstories, @yuedama

Summary: What do mortals with powers of a demigod on their side desire the most? More power. But that’s were you come in.

Content: A lot of violence, descriptions of violence, death (the reader nor eren dies), angst, smut, slow burn, enemies to lovers, mentions of sacrilege, fingering (fem is receiving) virginity loss but with a twist, squirting, unprotected sex. 

Trigger Warnings: Violence, descriptions of violence, death, descriptions of death, blood, murder, god complex, impact play, edging,  praise kink, corruption.

Word Count: 6436

all references to chainsaw man, jujustu kaisen, and attack on titan belongs to the authors only. 

Demigods which are offsprings of a god and a human. This particular demigod was the offspring of Grisha and Carla Jeager. Grisha was the god of health and medicine; Asclepius. While Carla was just a ordinary beautiful and strong human who somehow, someway caught the eye of Grisha. They would wed and birth the demigod of war and violence;

Eren Jaeger.

2000 years ago

Carla’s village said his name like a prayer almost everyday at the altar, and it was for sure a prayer. Every since the council of her village had came into contact with him they had gain new and powerful powers, but women of all ages went missing under strange circumstances rumors had started spreading like wildfire, the one rumor that stood out from them all to her was “he would first take their pureness and then devour their souls, as a punishment of falling for temptation.”

Carla’s heart sank, and her anger boiled inside of her now knowing the reason why her mother and dear sisters went missing all those years ago. The endless crying, the endless begging to Gods, now knowing that Grisha Jaeger was her god, he had saved her and her village from living-hell so it only made sense that he take anything and everything that she held dear to he heart. Except for one thing.

You can’t gain anything if you don’t lose anything, right?

Carla dashes out of her old home, nothing but pure hatred, rage, flowing through her veins.

It was a windy, rainy night but that didn’t stop her. She used her “Infinity” to shield her body and view from the falling rain. She keeps running until she finds herself in the main street of the village, she see a moving figure above a lifeless corpse feasting on it’s arm, their face entirely covered in stained blood, from freshly feasting on a arm the once stained blood covered with fresh dripping blood, dripping on the person’s abdomen.

Carla’s grip on her katana tightens.

“GRISHA.” Carla says her breathing becoming labored from all the pent of emotions.

The figure stops and takes off their coat revealing a toned body, paired with sliver rings, accompanied with army boots.

Grisha smirks at Carla. “Well hello Carla I’m so sorry you had to find me like this feasting upon these mortals but I can’t help it, a god has to eat too right?”

“You bastard, how dare you show up to this village, make everyone trust you, and then go behind their backs like this.”

“Oh? You care about these pathetic mortals all of sudden? Don’t you remember what you did? When you finally decided not to give a shit, and finally gave into your bloodlust.”

Your grip on your katana tightens “Don’t try to spin this around on me, what happened to helping, treating everyone, protecting everyone.” 

“PROTECTING EREN?!?”

“What happened to him, huh? What happened to us?”

Grisha starts laughing.

“Eren will end up just like us, but he would be better than me, he would not fall in love with a pathetic mortal. Carla don’t you realize I used you, just for the sake of continuing my bloodline, so the Jaeger family can continue on without me.”

Ignoring the hateful words that came out of Grisha’s mouth. Carla unhooks her katana’s from the case, without having to look up she notices energy started to from from the dead corpses' Grisha had feasted upon.

5?

No.

10?

No.

15.

Alright.

Carla starts to sprint towards the corpses slicing open the first 5.

I can’t spend too much energy on these corpses' I need to save it for Grisha.

In the distance she see’s a chain wrapped around a pole. 

I could insert some of my energy into the chain, and then somehow make the rest of the corpses come into contact with it, then automatically killing them all. 

But there’s a car in front of the pole.

No problem.

Carla starts to run faster, and then pushes her body up in the air, gracefully lacing her hand with the chain.

Just a little energy.

Exerting a small amount of energy with the chain Carla swings the chain in the direction of all the corpses, killing them all.

“GIRSHA” She says running and grabbing her katana and covering it with the chain. She was focused, determined to strike down her husband. She jumps on the roofs of multiple houses.

She knows he’s out of luck by sensing his cursed energy weakening by the minute.

She looks at her surroundings she sees nothing out of the ordinary. So she pulls out a seal, folds in it half, then takes the fold and positions it at the end of her blade slicing it in half, and then positioning it once more so it could stay in place.

And she aims at Grisha.

“Sealing Technique-.”

And then she hears it.

Crying.

A baby.

A baby crying.

She looks around frantically, and then she spots the baby in the middle of the road.

“EREN!”

She jumps off the roof of the house she had once been running on. She instantly lands near Eren’s side dropping her weapon. She swoops down and collects Eren in her arms she starts to rock him with a simile on her face. She looks around her and see’s Grisha grabbing at the Earth she knows she doesn’t have much time left with her son, but she makes it count.

“Eren listen to me and listen to me well. In another 2000 years I will be reincarnated so just wait for me okay? Whoever I reincarnate into please be kind and be loving, don’t let your father’s energy and powers manipulate you into something that you aren’t. Be true and stay true to who you are. I wished I had more time with you as mother and son, but it’s just the way it is loving certain people, loving your father to be specific but I wouldn’t have it any other I love him & you so much. Goodbye Eren.”

And with that Carla feels something sharp go into her back and somehow she gently places you down onto the grass. She falls onto her back, looking upward to meet her husbands lusted filled eyes.

Somehow Carla managed to do the unthinkable.

“Eren will overcome the curse of the Jaeger family, and he will seal your presence away for good I promise you Grisha but first let’s rest for another 2000 years until we meet again.”

Grisha doesn’t say anything.

Carla makes a gesture with her hands and Grisha feels a gust of a wind and looks over and see’s a katana with a sealing heading straight towards his head.

Grisha feels blood trickle down his forehead as he begins to wobble on his feet. He collapses next to Carla who’s takes his hand into his. 

Carla and Grisha both looks over at Eren who’s already out of his blanket, already at the of age 7 he walks towards the rising sun and after taking seven steps Eren looks back at his dying parents he points to the sun and says with a smirk on his face “Throughout Heaven and Earth I alone am The Honored One.”

2000 years later

You awake to your mother patting on your shoulder. “Y/n it’s time to get up today is  a special day for our village and the people in it.”

“What day is it today Mother?” You ask sleep still heavy on your mind.

“Today is the day where we welcome the person who will save us.”

For some reason your head begins to hurt, but you dismiss the feeling.

“Okay. Let me get dress, and I’ll be out there.”

And with that your mother leaves you by yourself to get dressed. While discarding your sleeping clothes you can’t help but to let your mind wander on the mystery person who would “save” your village.

Now making your way to the altar where everyone is supposed to be at, you see your mother and your best friend so you decide to stand by them, and welcome the stranger. While talking to your friend about the mysterious savior you feel a sense of deja vu washes over you. But before you can say anything a group of people begin to come into your line of sight.

 They’re all walking in front of the person of the hour. But your eyes ignore them and they swiftly land on the boy who’s hair is swept back into a manbun, a single ring adorning his thumb. The group of people finally make it to where you and all the other citizens are standing.

The priest says his hello’s, welcome’s, and thank you’s for gathering here. And then he finally turns to boy and introduces him as Eren Jaeger; a demigod who has come to aid the village.

Eren eyes dart to the crowd.

Without even doing, saying anything, everyone got on their knees and hands for him, exchanging thank you’s, welcome’s, and how they believed that he was the almighty one and how blessed they are to be graced with his presence.

But you weren’t on your knees thanking him, no you were there standing with a straight face staring at him. Everyone goes quiet at your clear disrespect, you could hear the faint rustling of the grass you were standing on. The deja vu you were feeling earlier became stronger, and you were determined to figure it out why even if it meant dying at the hands of a god.

Eren’s eyes dart to yours causing the wind current to change. The tension between you both began to thicken. And that’s when Eren begins to walk towards you, but you don’t back down, your body doesn’t shake with fear, not one of your thoughts in your mind tell you to run away. No you were unfazed by him.

Eren’s face is now centimeters apart from yours, you both look directly into each other’s eyes, no you both were looking directly into each other’s souls, trying to find something, anything that you both could grab on and never let go. And that’s when you see his hand come into contact with your jaw, his fingers were pretty you thought.

He drags his index finger across your jaw, and then cups your entire face with his hand. 

“What’s your name, pet?”

“M’ not your pet, get your hands off me.” You slap his hand away from his face.

The contact between you and Eren went straight to his cock, making his entire body shiver in ecstasy.    

Ah. There it is.

“Y/N-” your mother said quickly getting up reaching for your body.

Eren quickly looks to where your mother is “Shut up, and sit down mortal this isn’t your concern.”

Your mother quickly mutters a apology and returns to where she once sat. 

That created arousal which began to drip down into your panties.

Eren turns away from you and your mother his eyes now focused on the higher ups “remember our deal.”

“Yes of course.”

And with that the higher ups begin to make their leave but they notice that Eren is not following them.

“Sir is something wrong?”

Eren ignores them and begins to walk back towards you, this time he grabs your neck roughly, and slams you into the grass, and presses his half-hardened cock against your lower thigh.

“I asked you a question, and I expect you to answer it yeah?”

“Y/n.”

“Y/n what? Use your words pet.”

“Y/n L/n”

And with that he lets you go and retreats with the other higher ups with a smirk on his face.

But he stops again and turns back to you.

He turns to the other people who are still on their knees, and the higher ups. 

“Leave us.” he says and everyone is dismissed, now leaving you and him.

Eren sits down on the grass next you.

“I thought it was common courtesy when a human of low standards like yourself interacts with a high being like myself they’re supposed to kiss me, as a token of their gratitude.”

“And who said I’m grateful to you? All I did was give you my name. And speaking of names you never told me yours.”

“My name? No one has ever been interested in my name, just my title.”

“Title?”

Eren smiles “Each God has it’s own title which everyone refers them to, my birth name is unimportant to the world.”

The sun is beginning to set, and you both fall into a comfortable silence. You gain the courage to break it.

“What if it’s important to me?”

“Oh? We’ve only knew each other for a whole hour and you already asking for my name.” Eren says getting up from sitting on the grass.

“Yeah so?”

That’s when Eren bends over and and his lips are close to the shell of your ear, “You’re going to have to work, beg, show me that you’re worthy of knowing my name and title, and maybe who knows maybe I’ll give you so much more, I genuinely find you intriguing” Eren said licking and gently biting the shell of your ear. 

“So do I” you said your core throbbing with anticipation. “I’m glad, well I’ll see you around pet.” And with that Eren disappears leaving you with a ache between your legs, and so many unanswered questions.

After catching your breath, you began to make your way home realizing that so much time had passed during your conversation with Eren. While making it closer to your home you mind begins to wander about the many things Eren had said. The feeling of remembering him, but from where exactly all clouded your mind, and the ache he left in between your legs. 

You finally arrive at your front door, inhaling a deep breath and exhaling. You open your door to find a empty house, and a note on the dining room table. You walk over to pluck it from the table reading;

Out to get something for dinner! - Mom

Weird. You thought to yourself. Mother always used to preach about being in the house at an appropriate and decent time. You dismiss the thought, turning over the note to see if there was anything else written on it.

The second your skin comes in contact with the note, a surge of electricity shoots through your body going straight to your core. it made you collapse slightly to the floor, making you rut against it causing tiny moans to spill out from your virgin mouth. Your mind instantly shoots back to your interaction with Eren, his words causing more moans to fall out

You dig your hands into your thighs, ceasing, the moans coming from you. But the throbbing in your legs doesn’t cease no they intensify. During this moment and time, nothing else mattered except Eren.

You began to stand up and make your way towards your bedroom. Not after 5 minutes, you find yourself inside your room. You close the door and quickly place yourself in your bed, you prop your legs up and slightly spread your legs so you could have access to your cunt.

But this is as far as you can go, begin a virgin you weren’t sure what to do. all you ever did was dry hump your pillow and sheets when Mother wasn’t looking or wasn’t near.

So you pondered about the best way to successfully chase and fully experience your release. You finally decide to start teasing yourself at the hem of your panties. 

You pause. Deciding to give yourself a moment to rest.

You finally pull down your panties and spread your legs even wider to access even more of your cunt.

You finally enter a finger into your cunt; the new intrusion hurts a bit but the pain quickly transforms into pleasure, overcome by the new found pleasure you quickly thrust your single finger in out of your swollen cunt.

But you suddenly stop. Eren’s words about working for something you want comes rushing back to you. You decide to slow down to relax your breathing.

You close your eyes for what seems about entirety until you open them. Titling your head from the ceiling you see Eren sitting on a chair in front of you with his head in the palm of his ring, adorned hand

“My my, what do we have here?” Eren says in a teasing tone.

“I-” You say with your finger still knuckles deep in your cunt.

“Shush pet, it’s fine. Don’t be ashamed you look so beautiful like that.” Eren says getting up from his chair as he begins to take off his shirt. 

Your mind begins to wander, in thought about how good Eren looks right now before you. shirt thrown to the floor, a  chest sculpted by God. your eyes quickly shift to his cock which is painfully strained against his pants; his hair pulled back into a manbun but it soon begins to unravel. Eren fully discards the hair tie, his brown locks falling to his shoulders.”

Before you know it, Eren is now straddling you. he grabs your hand, swiftly taking your single finger out of your cunt and bringing it to his mouth, licking your finger clean.

Virgin.

Eren’s lust filled eyes dart to your glassy ones. He can feel your trembles beneath him.

Poor baby.

“Pet, what are you so afraid of? I’m not gonna hurt you.” Eren leans down to you biting your earlobe and whispers; “Not unless you want me to of course.”

 You begin to panic. “No, no of course not. I’ve just never done this before.” Eren smirks, giving you a peck on the forehead before scooting off the bed to drop down and come face to face with your throbbing cunt.

The sight of your needy little virgin hole waiting to be filled goes straight to Eren’s cock.

Eren quickly runs his index finger across your folds, gathering your juices. A guttural moan escapes your mouth causing you to shove your face into the pillows, hiding from embarrassment. Eren reaches his hand over your body. he cups your face, guiding it to look at him. 

But before you start, what and who are you?” You ask with pure curiosity lacing your voice. Eren spreads your legs and traces your outer thighs with his pointer finger, smirking to himself.

And at that moment, Eren plunges three of his fingers into your cunt. You release a pornographic like moan.

“I’m whatever you want me to be.”

And at that moment, Eren plunges three of his fingers into your cunt. You release a pornographic like moan.

Naughty girl.

Eren stops momentarily letting you adjust to his size. And after a few seconds he begins to speed up.

“W-what do you mean whatever I want you to be?” You say whimpers catching into your throat.

Eren’s voice was shrouded with lust and darkness.

“That means I can be Your Friend.”

Eren’s body begins to shift to different parts of the room with each word.

“A Lover.”

“A God.”

“The Devil himself.”

“Eren.”

“A son.”

“A Demigod.”

“A human.”

Every word seems to draw you closer to your release.

“Eren I’m-”

“I know pet, cum for me.”

“I’m- cumming!!!”

“Yes, yes just like that pet you got this.” Eren coos into your ear.

And on cue you cum around Eren’s fingers.

What’s happening?

Why does everything feel so good?

Where am I?

So many questions. But the only thing you could think and care about was how good it finally feels to be corrupted. To finally be conquered by the mysterious boy you feel so connected to for some odd reason.

 And suddenly, you’re brought back to reality by the sounds of slurping. You prop yourself up from the bed to see Eren licking his fingers clean from what it seems to be as your juices.

“That was a pretty intense orgasm pet, didn’t know you were a squirter.”

“I didn’t know that either, glad we know now huh?”

“We? So you’re saying there’s a next time?”

“There’s always a next time.”

Eren’s shit-eating grin forms on his face, he gets up and pushes you down onto the bed.

Both of you were panting like bitches in heat. it sure was turning you both on again. But Eren doesn’t do anything. no, he does the opposite. he leans close to your ear and whispers;

“That’s my girl.”

“What-?”

Before you can say anything else, Eren snaps his fingers and disappears. But then the room transports you elsewhere. 

 You’re blinded by a light which takes you a moment to readjust to the lightning. after a few seconds, you open your eyes and awake in a sandy area. The grainy but soft sand slides across your bare body. And for some reason, your hand comes up to your hair; its long and shoulder length. Then you look up to see trails of light in the sky resembling an aurora.

“Hello?! is anyone here?!” You question, trying to get up from the sand but you can’t move. You begin to panic, heartbeat accelerating. “Hello?!! Someone help me! I can’t move, I’m stuck here!!”  

“Hello, is anyone here?” You say trying to get up from the sand but you can’t move. 

You begin to panic, your heartbeat begins to accelerate. “Hello?!! Someone help me I can’t move I’m stuck here!!”

You see a figure in the distance.

Its a girl holding a pail. She has blonde hair thats reaches to her shoulder with a headband accompanying it. though her emotions and face looks unreadable.

“HELLO CAN YOU HELP ME PLEASE I DONT KNOW HOW I GOT HERE OR WHY BUT PLEASE HELP ME!!”

The girl crouches down next to you and begins molding your body with the sand.

“Thank you so much. I can’t move, the sand is burying my body.” 

But she doesn’t responds. You’re confused. why isn’t she saying or doing anything to help you get out of here?

As you begin to lose yourself in thought, you catch a glimpse of a few more figures. but as they come closer, you realize that there are more people in the crowd.

Hundreds?

Thousands?

Millions? 

As they get more and more closer to you, you see they’re all walking in a single file line, each of them chained up by their necks and hands.

You look back to the girl to see if her expression changed even a bit.

Nothing. 

She doesn’t even look their way, her eyes paying attention to you and the sand in her hands only.

The people circle around you and the girl, but one of them stands in front of you; their leader. Your eyes dart to the person before you.

“Who are you? What is this place?”

“My name is Carla Jaeger. I’m the past Control Devil, and you’re in the Paths.”

“Paths? Control Devil?”

“Yes, the Paths are where the pervious and most recent Control Devils come to meet but time is irrelevant and conflicting here. The Control Devil is the embodiment of control and order.”

Carla raises her hand out and snaps them, transporting you and everyone to where all the trails converge into one. There, you notice a big glowing-like tree.

“This is the Coordinate. this where all and every human beings come to cross.”

The girl finally stops molding the sand and stands back up with her pail and leaves.

Suddenly, the sand on your body feels lighter so you proceed to get up.

Your appearance has changed. Your hair has become longer and reaches down to your shoulders; the clothes you were once wearing has changed to a white shirt with dark pants and black boots.

As soon you as you rise from the sand, all the previous Control Devil holder’s quickly got down on their hands and knees.

You ignore their presence and you make your way towards Carla.

“I need answers.”

“About?”

“Everything. What the Control Devil is, it’s abilities. and why I am here?”  

Carla sighs, her body tenses. “If I do, your life will be forever changed.”

You stand in front of the glowing tree admiring it.

“My life changed when Eren Jaeger appeared in it.”

“How did you? I didn’t say-” Carla says while approaching you. But then she quickly decides against it, sitting down on the sand instead.

“It’s funny how much information you can get from someone’s body language.”

“Alright, I’ll tell you then. But first off, you need to learn the Jaeger curse and why your here.”

“Go on.”

Jaeger curse? You thought.

“You’re a reincarnation of me. Of the Control Devil specifically. When devils die, they’re automatically reincarnated in the Paths.” 

“So that’s why I’m here.” Your voice laced with a tone of sadness.

“Yes.”

“And the Jaeger curse?”

“The Jaeger curse is a curse within my family. Or the family I married into to be specific. The curse is tempting someone to willingly give something away to gain something else. 2000 years ago, my husband Grisha fell to the curse. we fought, we both died. and Eren-”

“What happened to Eren?” 

“Grisha implanted some of his memories into him. And when you awaken your powers, the memories of Grisha would awaken.” For some reason your blood began to boil and your fists began to ball. You walked to Carla, grabbing her by her chain, forcing her to look directly at you.

“If your implying that my only purpose on this Earth was to kill your only son, then go to hell! What’s the purpose of this reincarnation if all we’re going to do is kill our own flesh and blood?”

“You can’t gain anything in this world without sacrificing something. That’s just how the world is, it’s how that village is.”

“What do you mean that’s how the village is?”

“They’re plotting to kill you both during the Rumbling.”

The Rumbling was a festival where the village would gather together and watch the moon crumble to the sea. it would once again purify the sins of the Earth.

“I’m not letting that happen, not a snowballs chance in hell. How do we break the curse and stop the Rumbling?”

“That’s up to you and Eren I’m afraid.”

Carla’s will over her own body was fading, slowly dissipating. you ran up to her body, grabbing her chain once again, and you closed the distance between you both. 

 “MY NAME IS Y/N L/N, THE NEXT HOLDER OF THE CONTROL DEVIL! CARLA JAEGER, AND THE PREVIOUS HOLDERS OF THE CONTROL DEVIL, WITH MY ALL AND EVERY SINGLE OUNCE OF MY POWER, I WILL PUT A END TO THIS CURSE AND TO THIS WORLD!” 

 And with that, every single detail of the Control Devil appeared. All 13 previous holders point their finger at you as their memories come rushing to you simultaneously.

Control Devil Abilities:

Other names; Y/n L/n

Divergence: Crush anyone with an invisible force

Convergence: Can kill anyone if they look, or point at the target

Enhanced smell

Can absorb the life spans of humans through physical contact

Can bestow contracts upon humans 

Restores its health by consuming blood

Should revive in Hell after being killed effectively making it an immortal

Hades Abilities:

Other names; Eren Jaeger 

Inhuman Speed: Can travel and attack at high speeds.

Can sever the arms of several humans.

Death Stare: If staring directly at another being, they will begin to hemorrhage immense amounts of blood until death.

Like the Control Devil Hades can bestow contracts upon humans

Enhanced smell

Unlike the Control Devil Hades will not be reincarnated if the Jaeger curse is broken

Has the power to call on the Founder

You awake, you’re still in your bed. you look down to see your hand out of your folds with cum oozing out of you.

Oh, so that’s what he did. Smart.

You rise from your bed. The Control Devil’s powers, the markings, and the memories; they’re all freshly settling in your brain.

You make your way towards your bedroom mirror taking in your new appearance. 

You smile to yourself tracing your hand on the mirror.

2000 years.

I’m going to kill them all.

I’m going kill them all and I won’t care.

Why?

Because I can and I will.

Starting with that fucking woman.

You put on your shoes, you make your way downstairs noticing that your Mother still wasn’t home but that was alright you thought to yourself knowing you had enough time to carry out your plan.

You enter the kitchen to find the listed items; vinegar, acid, a hammer, and nails.

And you head to the living room to find a stack of playing cards.

You knew that Mother loved white wine, and card games it was her favorites. She talked to fucking much and it’s now going be the reason she dies tonight.

Ironic.

You get two wine cups from the cupboard first filling the cup with actually white wine, secondly adding vinegar, thirdly adding two large doses of acid. And then setting the cards in the middle of the table.

You sit in one of the chairs while propping one of your legs over the other. You decide to drift off to sleep until your Mother arrives home.

You awake from sleep to the sound of a door opening and then quickly closing.

“Ah Y/n sweetie did I wake you?”

“No you didn’t Mother I was actually waiting for you.”

“Oh? What’s the matter?”

“I planned a game for us since we never hangout like Mother and Daughters are supposed to.”

“Oh Y/n you didn’t have to, plus it’s late we should be sleep by now.”

“Oh but I wanted to Mother, and sleep can wait.”

“If you insist then. What’s the game?”

“Drinking and Gambling.”

“What are we gambling?”

Your pathetic life.

“You’ll see.”

“What are the rules?”

“There are no rules we just drink, and talk about our day.”

“Do you want to go first Mother?”

“Sure why not.”

You lean back into your chair patiently waiting for her take a sip of her wine which would cause her to unravel soon, then the real game would begin.

“Nothing really happened today I just worked, helped children and elders at the community center. I met the “Savior” there he told me how good of a person you were. He finds you intriguing. I also meet some of the higher ups who are there to protect Eren their names are Floch, and Armin. He also hangs around a girl named Mikasa.”

“Oh that’s interesting to know thank you so much for sharing.”

“No problem darling, I also went to get food for dinner but it’s cold now so sorry about that.” She starts to giggle a red flush decorating her face showing that the wine is getting to her.

It’s time.

“Let’s play another game shall we? This is going to be the gambling part.” You said taking the cards from the middle of the table, and then opening the box depositing them all on the table in front of you. 

“Oooooo cards!!!” 

You quietly mutter under your breath; “Contract bestowing.”

“Mother before the game starts I’m going to need you to repeat a few words after me.”

“Mmm sure honey!!!”

Bingo.

“Y/n is going to reveal everything about herself and in exchange if I lie I will die.”

You set the hammer and nails down on the table.

“Uh oh honey what’s with the hammer??”

“Oh nothing it’s just for if you decide to step out of line.”

Your mother’s façade changes within seconds and the real person shows.

“Well well, it seems that my daughter is no longer the girl I thought she used to be.”

“Ah there we are! I wasn’t sure if I would need the extra add-ons.” You said pointing to the nails and then throwing them across the room.

“All I need is the hammer and we’re good to go. So mother, do you notice anything different at all? Have any questions or answers for me?”

“You’re not a virgin anymore.”

“Hehe no I am not, your almighty savior took it for me, which I gladly obliged.”

“You’re a slut.” Your mother said her knuckles turning white from how tightly she held the glass.

“No no I’m not a slut mother I’m the Control Devil, and that “Savior” you were talking about isn't a savior at all, he’s Hades or the god of War and Violence.”

“You’re wrong.” Your mother said tears flowing down her face.

“Am I though? All they want in the end is me and Eren’s head on a stake, and our powers for themselves,  they don't care who they hurt unless we’re both 6ft under.”

You get up from your seat making your way towards your mother you crouch down to her ear “In other words, your mere existence means nothing to me and to them, you’re a slave; nothing more than cattle.”

Out of the corner of your eye you see your mother holding a knife in her hand and before you know it she swiftly shoves you with your shoulder causing you to fall down on the floor.

“I’m going to make sure that you die here tonight daughter.” 

She stabs you in the stomach multiple times, the squelching of the knife going in and out of your torso almost unbearable for her to hear but at the same time she feels no remorse.

After about 10 minutes of her stabbing you endlessly just to make sure you were completely dead. She drops the knife on blood-covered floor near your body.

She takes in the scene of the bloody living room, the bookshelf she slammed you into disheveled, the wine glass she was drinking out of on the floor, the hammer you had in your hand flew across the living room and it was a few centimeters away from your body.

“Stupid girl.” She sighed turning around but she suddenly stops in her tracks.

“sTUpiD gIRL¿“ You say rising from the blood covered floor.

“How are you-”

“I made sure you were-”

“dEAD¿ aLiVE?”

You begin to laugh hysterically.

“Your supposed to be dead, I stabbed you over at least 100 times.” Her blood running cold at the mere thought.

You begin to walk to your mother with your organs hanging out your stomach, you place your hand into your stomach ripping out one of your large intestine.

By eating one of intestine you instantly get all of your powers, the stab wounds in your stomach heals and disappears.

“tHATS cORRECT yoU dID sTab mE oVer 100 tIMES, bUT yOU fAil tO rEaliSE...”

“What are you?” She said in a hushed tone cutting you off.

The Honored One. 

“Divergence.” You said raising your hands snapping them with a sinister simile plastered on your face.

Instantly your mother’s limbs, organs, flesh, blood covers everything in the house, painting your face with a dark crimson red flesh mixed in with it. You turn your head darting to the beating heart in the middle of room picking it up you crush her heart.

“...only my displeasure and pleasure exist. No matter how many times you think you’ve stabbed me, no matter how much you want me dead, only my feelings thoughts, and actions exist.”

The Control Devil has awaken! 

The Control Devil has murdered their whole village in a span of 24 hours!

The Control Devil has murdered 1300 people!

Eren’s POV: 2 hours after The Control Devil Awakening, 5 Hours until the Rumbling.

Ah so it’s finally happening.

2000 years.

Oh how I have yearned to meet you Control Devil.

“Master!” I hear Mikasa voice dragging me out of my thoughts. 

“What is it Minnie?”

“You need to stay inside HQ, the Control Devil has awakened!” Mikasa says panic lacing her voice but cracks with nervousness.

“Yes I know Minnie. I’m glad you’re here with me.” I say but the eagerness to meet the Control Devil is getting the better of me.

Mikasa face starts to dust with red pure innocence laced with it. But the throbbing in her panties is covered in pure lust.

Ah. There it is. 

“Minnie why don’t we dance to your favorite song?”

Mikasa’s face brightens up “Stay with Me by Miki please!”

“Of course” I say getting up to the phonograph.

Stay with Me by Miki Mastubara is now playing.

I cry at your door midnight, but you never came back. 

“Master?”

“Yes Minnie?”

“Where were you that night you arrived in the village?” Mikasa said voice laced with pure sadness.

“I met someone new.”

“O-oh”

I reach to cup Mikasa’s cheek.

She hugs me.

“But don’t worry Minnie you’re the only one I have eyes for.”

You always say the same, but I embrace these moments. 

“Master I enjoy our time together no matter how short they are.”

“As so do I.”

“But I have a idea.”

“Oh?”

“I want you deflower me. No no I want us to deflower each other, us both being virgins and you saying you only have eyes for me so I think, no I know that I want us to do this as promise to each other. That we would be committed to each other for all of eternity.”

The phonograph comes to a screeching stop.

“Minnie I don’t think you know what you’re asking for.”

Mikasa suddenly drops to her knees and begins to cry.

“Master please! We’ve know each other since childhood, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! THERE IS NO ONE ELSE FOR ME ITS YOU IT’S ALWAYS BEEN YOU. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I COULD DIE.”

Eren crouches down to Mikasa and picks up her gently forcing her to look at him.

“Then die.” Eren looks into Mikasa eyes and her head begins to severely ache.

 She beings to scream, her eyes starts to pour out blood, her mouth begins to cough out blood, her ears begin to pool out blood, her nose starts to bleed, but unfortunately for her no one can hear her.

Death Stare.

Her head instantly erupts into nothing but blood and brain matter causing Eren to be covered in blood.

Eren smirks at the mess he’s made.

The phonograph begins to play Stay with Me again.

And those moments are the moments I’ll never forget. 

The door opens to you standing there with a delicate simile with blood on your clothes. 

Eren sits down in his chair.

“Well well, if it isn’t the Control Devil. Pleasure to meet you.”

To be continued?

[nataliehegert]

The other day I was sitting on my couch, idly thumbing through Instagram, a vague heaviness in the pit of my stomach bearing down on me. I was unhappy. The stress, loneliness, and disappointments of pandemic life compounded with feelings of anger, helplessness, and hopelessness. I scrolled for no other reason than my phone was in my hand. I was looking for nothing.

Then @lauraonsale appeared, from the shoulders up, bouncing absurdly through a still image of a field of flowers with a rainbow filter, singing with synthy vocals: “You R worthy, youuuuu R loving, you R wanted, yooooooooooo ar majique, NOT everybody deserves yooooooo.”

It was precisely the affirmation I needed at that moment. I laughed. My solar plexus felt lighter.

New-media artist Laura Hyunjhee Kim appears often in my feed, usually dancing in front of her couch, maybe holding a vegetable, or a houseplant, or a bottle of sanitizer, or some other prop. In one recent Instagram post with the caption “vibe check,” Kim had a pineapple propped up in bed in front of an open laptop. “Aww, are you feeling prickly today?” she asks it, like one would a roommate suffering from Zoom fatigue.

“This is a very American thing: ‘How are you doing?’ ‘Oh, I’m good.’ This is habitualized in the language,” Kim, who grew up in the Bay Area and spent time in Korea, relates to me on our recent Zoom call. “Because if you’re not ok, you’re making it awkward,” she adds. “You’re not fine. We’re not fine! And it’s ok to not be fine.”

Since 2018, Kim has been making work for an open-ended project entitled Living Lab, which “focuses on the body as a feelosophical medium.” Living Lab videos often emulate the language and aesthetics of the self-care, wellness, fitness, and mindfulness industries, with nods to the technological anxieties of the current moment, while elevating everyday actions and gestures to highly ritualized maneuvers. One recent video invites the viewer to engage in a “phone pre-touch plushy ritual” by squeezing and stroking a plush toy or pillow in order to create a “private secure connection” with your body before allowing “your phone to intimately access you.” In Hi-Feel Lo-Tech Workout (HFLTW): Relaxation and Recovery (2020), Kim enacts “a series of intentional and meaningful synergistic micro-movements” in collaboration with a cylindrical household object or foam roller—in her case, a disconnected Amazon Alexa device—to release muscle tension.

In the pandemic era, these Living Lab performances have taken on a new urgency. As group modes of fitness and wellness—say, going to a gym, yoga studio, or meditation group—became impossible, we increasingly turned to purveyors of wellness and fitness videos through social media and video conferencing platforms. Since 2020, the buzz of “self-care” is now bolstered by a burgeoning $450 billion market. Kim is wary of tech-driven, corporate ideals of wellness. “I’ve been very interested in self-care that cannot be capitalized,” she says, paraphrasing author adrienne maree brown that “the most anti-capitalist endeavor is to go back to your body.”

Early on in the pandemic, Kim uploaded A Virtual Lotioning Session, a video intended for play on a mobile device, which encouraged viewers to take part in what’s described as “an intimate yet public presentation of applying lotion to one’s own hand(s)” and to “treat yourself to an experience only you can feel.” “The vibe or energy of the whole piece was very inviting, but in the context of where we were, it was very lonely and sad,” remembers Kim. The public messaging at that time in the pandemic emphasized rigorous and frequent hand washing and no touching, handshakes, or hugs. The lotioning performance is one Kim finds herself returning to. “Even when you don’t have other people, you still have yourself,” she remarks.

A couple of years ago, Kim went through a near-death experience that profoundly changed her life. Ever since, she has been recovering and is still trying to re-inhabit her body, testing its limitations, and regaining her strengths both inside and out. “When the pandemic first hit, it was like the world was catching up with me,” she says:

For me, I think I’m still clawing out from trauma work and seeing how much I need to link to my body [as] a performance-based [artist]. How my body and psychology [have] changed has been really infecting a lot of my work. I want to be very cheesy, in a way. I want to examine sadness, grief, trauma, but it’s not something to be scared of; it’s something that can be celebrated as well. If we don’t learn from it we will always be trapped; it will be that thing that we’re running away from.

Kim, now a PhD in Intermedia Art, Writing, and Performance at the University of Colorado, Boulder, just finished a dissertation that discusses “feelosophy” and “radical discomfort.” “We have to feel discomfort—and sit with it comfortably—in order to mobilize ourselves,” she says. The experiences of the past year have shown how important and powerful feelings, emotions, and empathy are in the process of social change. Kim questions, “How can you feel comfortable when the world is going through shit?”

And the world has gone through some shit this past year: a global pandemic and mass loss of life, quarantines and closures, extreme weather events and the encroaching effects of climate change, protests against police brutality and systemic racism, an assault on the Capitol, and, just in the time between our conversation and my writing of this article, a mass shooting of young Asian women massage parlor workers in Atlanta. “In this past year, a lot of people’s realities got shattered,” Kim says, “in realizing their mortality, that anything could go away instantly.” In the upheaval, many of society’s systemic problems are now being exposed and examined, she points out, adding, “I think it’s honestly because we were in the pandemic and everybody is just feeling a certain amount of empathy and compassion and also feeling that we could die at any point. There have been a lot of moments of reality perspective-shifting throughout the year.”

Notably, much of the reality we are experiencing is mediated through what Kim calls “the rectangle”: our screens. “We say digital or analog, but I feel like we’re at this point where both of those are merging and infecting and changing and morphing what we see as real or not,” she says. For a long time, digital space appeared to us as an extension, supplement, or simulation of “real life,” but this is no longer the case, she argues. “Real” no longer means just our “physical touch-y space,” she suggests, but digital spaces are becoming “realer than real,” too. “Reality for me right now is very much something that constantly shifts,” she says. “It’s very personalized, whether it’s on a micro-level: you living your day-to-day, touching objects, physically interacting with things around you; or on a more conceptual level: the systems that you interact with, the ideologies you converse with, or what you’ve normalized by growing up a certain way.”

Kim’s work blends these realities by guiding us through a haptic experience—the feeling of lotion in your hands—presented via a handy digital medium—the “rectangle.” “I want art to be close,” she says. “It has to be part of my life; it has to be immediate.” In these “unreal” times, going back to the body—even if it’s through your phone—may be the affirmation we need. To sit with our grief, our discomfort, and then laugh into the glow of our screens.

Feature Posted on 4/30/2021, Printed in Southwest Contemporary, Vol 2, Summer 2021

[lousysecretdoors]

Doors. (Deep analytical advice)

Opening doors, Keeping them shut. -Certain bad thoughts, bad vibrations are merely from you yourself opening particular doors in your mind or life. Now, there are times, this is key to everything, when you have to or should open said doors, and walk around in New or unscathed shoes. New ground to tread, new unexplored brain matter. Like, try not to hit yourself too hard, but level the lessoning, taught self comparatively from the past, inexperienced old you; those vacant ignorant of learning revolving doors of shit. - Is clearly an ignorant thing to control. - As in, usually used to shit thoughts or Level, accidental opened doors. Like trippy, bad vibe, bad thoughts (she looks gay/fat/ugly, why are they eating?, he’s stupid af, ima f that person,…) sketchy placement, dirty slang, chemically decomposed or incomplete pathways of energy… Those doors lack the ability to keep you, in your morally, lucid mind on a track; a continuous flow of purity maturity, depending on exploration. Level how they, the doors, make you not able to be (the wrong ones however) opened. This applies to others’ freedom of their mind and expansion of life’s time spent. You mustn’t harness, muzzle, or imprison another’s opened, lucid doors because yours are simply shut. And or shit.- Or attempt to. - Like I said, just an ignorant thing that you can’t always control… you can help shy bad, unwanted doors passageways, and open new, evolved cyclic doors. Forgive me, but the good door, is honestly open for all, if you can handle it. It as in, time space continuum, the solid flow of matter, that all have endured and are faced with everyday just like you. Leave the door open! Certain thought process leads to a type of death, or shutting of one’s doors. That means you or the other are having a refusal of the ever growing being, to exist. As in, you could easily be holding someone’s doors shut simply because of a persona of you, your stupid opinions that don’t have factual actual matter, or how you don’t offer the time to think for another and their entirety. It is fucking abusive to keep other’s personal doors shut. (Like parents with gay or bigger child, they shut them out due to judgement and inability for acceptance.) These good doors are needed to be open… Applies to about everyone, beings as most doors they face are usually locked latched guarded; unopened. Spread acceptance….- Restriction upon life expansion, from ignoring the doors that continue to be left open. -This is where tests begin. You, or another, can impose on an open door for expanding, like a flow of Love natural energy to walk through said doors. Follows, watches… natural pure human transmissions. Fluid reaction… can and is supposed to continue when there are no mental prison cells and/or keepers of demons… For shutting someone’s opening of an expansive being door, it’s like death. And or rebirth. - ….is morally wrong in the sense of freedom, integrity, honor, and self-righteousness. -Take your gosh darn chains off of people! In example, when someone is incredibly intimidated by you and your openness; you will see little or no movement of the body, and or hasty, different or vacantesque weary speech, over analyzation, panic, anxiety, random remorse, random anger, the closing of your door (which is where you step in and become a healer to the problem.) These chains are Hell. They close all doors that are supposed to be open; like in a relationship when a girl overbearingly refuses the mans opened doors or hospitality, vice Versa, towards other women and or men. As well as their own friends, family. Well, have respect and empathy, like when they think it’s too much and they cut you, try to see why and what the issue is. (Insecurity usually). However, psychotic woman man door closing on your lover inhibits or retracts mental emotional freedom of control, choice, friendships and most certainly deeper thoughts and personalized relations shared. PT’s (personal talks), level someone’s being and Or existence in said ones life… think of chains that have existed naturally, learn personal lessons triggers of experience. You have them. Keep your integrity, honor, and self righteousness in check, TRY to never imprison or be the imprisoned, shut or be shut,… we all have one door…- Wouldn’t you believe, the ever standing ground, that doors can lead to? A ground that’s always a constant, yet finding the correct doors for each individual is impossible when: you are locked out of your own door. - Getting a little more up to speed,…with every single persons being, which most certainly runs deeper and deeper the further you fall, venture, explore, learn, alter… we’re all on one ground. So, creating like ah… chains restrictions sharp angles cuts upon ones life expansion, is like a form of abuse, ignorance, paranoia, insecurity, sin, mistrust, and or you lack the knowledge of knowing how to deal with things or people. Having yourself fully exist as a whole being, however, will show that acceptance of for your loved one, and how they have on door, one life, one flow. And how the friends they may make are just that. If you are lucid with finally, unlocking your damn doors and taking some multidimensional security checks and Love runs, pure dips n’ real understanding with non lucid mental blockage… That can be, and more than likely will be, a demon or thing created or festering in the back of your head… A prison cell left unattended. - Now, overstepping boundaries, of other’s doors, is not okay. Okay? Especially when prepared or explained, the wrongness and delifeizing that erasing, manipulating, forcing..the bad or wrong doors. They don’t exist, until discovered monoly. By one. One single being, has one single door, of their own. Why would anyone break another’s one door down? It’s theirs. - Lemme digress, like damn. The boundaries. Sexual ideologies, innuendos, mannerisms, acts, done in front of another, when that other being is lucidly uncomfortable with the forced revolving shit, makes themselves shut down or turn away, like shutting off while selves, their doors slam closed, no further expansion. Morals, dammit. That integrity. You must learn how to treat a human, like a human at the very least their basic human rights as a man or woman. Basic rights= personal space, air, personality, family, friends, ability to love one another without breakdown… freedom to be as amazing and pure being as you are with hopefully, no chains or imprisoning harmful dangerous things in the doorways of your path. Rock on man! Don’t hate. Appreciate that… setting of yourself and lovers free. Level those levels….

[turtlechicky]

Just something I need to rant about.

I have a very hard time trusting women and that’s thanks to my childhood. It’s not something I’m going to air out. A friend believes I may have ptsd thanks to my mom and growing up with her untreated ptsd. So where people call me fake is me just avoiding topics and not willing to talk about shit.

The friend who I could talk to about most things began to stop messaging me, when I’d message her she would only reply to me 3-5 times before going silent. It usually took an hour between the messages. Like I get it you have depression and a lot of health issues.. but all I was good for was being used. I stopped trying to start conversations and we went so long without talking. She got several tattoos in that time period but never had time to say hi to me. She kinda tried so I accepted and invited her to my apartment for a week because it seemed to be better. We had some heart to heart talks and it was okay for a few days and then it was apparent that I was more of a convenience then a friend. She never helped clean, she smoked my weed WHILE I WAS ASLEEP and ate so much of our food only to purge it all in my bathroom. I understand it’s an eating disorder and I understand she has a ton of problems that make coping really hard. But to tell me “I’m bigger than you now” in complete disgust and change the conversation when I tried to talk to you because I need to talk to someone. You slept while I was awake and you stayed up when I went to bed, no matter what I did it seemed like you wanted nothing to do with me just wanted to spend the week in my home. You left and changed your name and didn’t even try to talk to me for over a month. I gave up trying to talk to you, you showed me last year after everything that I wasn’t that important. “Best friend” because I was easy to use. I was honest with what I was feeling and thinking and you immediately turned it around as if I’m the one to blame for everything, that I’m the one with problems, that I’m a fake person because I couldn’t handle only being your “best friend” when I was useful to you. You actually tried to turn my friend against me and mocked your boyfriend for having an anxiety attack because you slept with your boss. I’m not the one who talks about slitting my wrists and playing with the cuts and drawing with the blood. When ever I wore pink or purple you went out of your way to tell me how much you hate the colours. You have gone out of your way to ignore me, even though I needed my “best friend”, but I’m the bad person because I didn’t have the energy for mind games and fake friends anymore. Not to forget whatever bullshit you are filling the exroommates head with because I compared the two of you and she went crazy.

Now the exroommate... she’s bipolar, but a more severe kind. She needed help and we needed a roommate. She was living with black mold in a horrible building with some fucked up people. She lived two doors down from a cocky dealer who brings all kind of issues (cough swat cough) and just crappy people in general. So we wanted to help her because she was an old friend of mine. Ditched the town we went to school at and stopped talking to me for a few years. Whatever didn’t matter. But she was obsessive over her cat. Told me I couldn’t call him nosey nibs because she didn’t like it, but her other friends can call him dickface and other insulting names and she loved calling him stupid. But nosey nibs was bad. I need help cleaning and do things because I’m crippled with health problems, that was the other reason she was brought in. Not just money but because she can clean. But nope! I did the cleaning, I did the work that needed to be done and was told to relax every time I complained. During her fits of anger I was the verbal punching bag or I watched the poor cat have to deal with her. She is beyond entitled, bf had a friend over for d&d and the friend said that everyone gets pizza. The boys got back from picking it up and she walked out and demanded to know where her pizza was because he said everyone gets one. When bf took me out for dinner or a date she would whine that she wanted some or that she was never taken out on a date. She would obsess over different topics and would go on and on about the same things that make her angry. Or when she was angry she always had to declare it as she treated anything and anyone like crap. Told me how she destroyed a bunch of her ex’s cloths and other stuff because he was a junkie player who only wanted easy pussy. Her dumbass got back with him and was specifically told he is not allowed here period. He’s a heavy drug user and we don’t want that here, she gave him the address and fucking had him pick her up at the patio. She decides to spend 2 weeks with him and left the cat in our care, without telling us and freaks out saying we need to replace the cat poop scoop because my bf broke it taking care of her stupid animal. She’s not allowed there anymore and starts asking to bring him here, which was met with a firm no. Which she did nothing but bitch and moan about how it’s not fair she can’t see him. He goes on vacation and starts to distance himself before she says wtf and blocks her after saying he doesn’t want to be with her. She actually harassed him hardcore when they broke up, walls of texts of her just not stopping and then none stop calling so she can scream at him.

She’s a hood rat, a grossly petty, genuine shit human all the way through. She trashed my home, believed we should just feed her and give her food when she didn’t have any left. Not my problem you don’t know how to spend the money the government gives you every month, not my problem that you end up hungry for a week or two due to your own stupidity. She sends a text that literally sounds like she was going to leave in a few weeks and then freaks out because we were confused over what she sent. She throws a temper tantrum and says “I’ll move out of there’s going to be issues” when she started the whole issue to begin with. I text her asking her not to burn white sage EVERYDAY (it was a week straight) because when I would get up to use the restroom all I could smell is burnt sage and it makes me feel ill. But that was immediately met with “I don’t burn it while your awake. Whatever I’ll just throw it out.” I tried to explain but she wouldn’t listen and I think she may have thrown it out in the end. I decided to have a nap on the couch and instead of leaving me alone she pestered me until I sat up and listened to the stupid shit I don’t care about that she HAS to tell me. She wouldn’t let me sleep and brought a friend over and laughed at me when I napped during a boring movie. But you know I leave her alone to nap but god forbid I receive that courtesy. I once again try and explain how rude it is to wake me up when I’m sleeping because you need to tell me about what some stupid person said and like clock work she freaks out and says she feels tense angry energy in the apartment because she’s an “empath” and I’m a literal fucking duck, quack. If she was an empath she was a shit one because every time she asked me if I was angry it was nothing more than a depressed state for the day. Yet my emotions how I felt never mattered, if I was upset that must mean I’m angry but even if I yelled she did nothing because “your always so calm and leave headed” and “you didn’t yell you never do” even though I did, I fucking ran and took a bath to calm down to make it a level conversion after I had yelled. She decided to “help” a “friend” (she had known him for maybe a week) and jumped head first into a drug deal and brought the crazy fucker to the apartment. She had only met him once. I was told to lock my windows and doors and be super quiet for the night. She was FUCKING WHITE GIRL WASTED and begged me not to tell my boyfriend. Decided she wanted to kill herself when I told her I had to tell him. Like hell im not going to tell him she may have put his life on the line. Then she wanted to tell my bf what happened after she “calmed down”. She had wanted him to come to her but he refused, he works nights. She knocked on our door FUCKING LIGHTLY until we got up and she barely told him anything, I told him more. She fucking lied to me about what happened 3 times and then tried to turn my bf against me saying I was being emotional. She decided to hop out for a few days, right after they “talked”, changed her number and got a new phone. But she wouldn’t stop texting me. I said I need a few days and she sent me 16 messages in 2 days. 2 on fb and the rest through text. The one she sent right before I went out to tell her we wanted her to move out was manipulation.

(I’m tech stupid so you get copy and paste of the text)

“I get your angry. I really do.

You need to try to understand that vodka makes me freak out I hate the stuff and I over reacted

Please try to ubderatdn it had NOTHING to do with me and nothing to do with you two.

I can continue to stay out of the apartment for how ever long you need. But I might have a job at a pet store that my friend works at and I need this job and I just need a plAce to stay. I would be angry too if the roles were reversed and if you really are my friend you are going to ubderatdn I made a mistake

I admit it And I am learning from it

Please don't send me on the street over almost nothing”

I finally broke and was straight to the point. I gave her until the 16th to get out and when she started to argue with me I threw the text she sent me in her face calling her the name of the other friend. She lost it and stole my ear muffs, a 10cent mug, a small bag of crystals and marbles I liked, and she decided that she was only going to pay 200 of the 490 she owed for rent. She insulted me endlessly and was gross, she kept throwing trash around the apartment more so after I kicked her out. Every time she came to pick up stuff she tried to get me to fight with her and scream back. But I never did, I got the landlord involved and wasn’t here alone when she came here. I made sure she couldn’t do more damage than what she did. And all the while texting my boyfriend telling him how bad of a person I am and that I was stupid for kicking her out over “almost nothing”. She tried to manipulate him and claims I over reacted and he should have said something.

Maybe I did. But I stand by my choice. Why would I want someone who claims to be my friend and treats me like trash? We said weed and muchrooms are the only recreational drugs aloud period. No if ands or buts about it. What happened changed every time she told me what happened. I’ve watched the way the heavy ones warp people and I want absolutely nothing to do with them. I watched the way blow warped a few people and I’ve watched what meth does to people. I know too many drug abusers and seen how they treat the people they love. So sorry if a very personal thing of mine was too hard to understand. But this “one mistake” wasn’t one, it was going to be another and another because that’s who she is. I ducked out of a relationship that was going to be abusive before it got there, why would I make an acception for you? I was dating the guy and found out he was crazy and cut it off before it went south, turns out he was a junkie. Something his cousin left out when she said we should get together. Bitch was supposed to be my best friend.

I have my problems but being toxic isn’t one of them. Just because I refuse to be bullied by people who use their disorders as an excuse to treat others like crap, doesn’t mean I should stay away from anyone with a mental illness, in fact many of my friends with mental illnesses have stated how much I help them. I’m not a toy or a puppet, I am human and your manipulative ghetto ass isn’t worth my time or energy. I refuse to be friends with someone who torments the cat until it paws at her and chases her in anger or will tease him with his favourite treat tuna and then never give him any after she makes him beg for it. I’m also not followed around Walmart for stealing or beg the neighbours to take me to a food bank because weed was more important than food. Or brag about stealing cough drops.

I have my flaws. I’m too forgiving, I can be very cold and cruel sometimes, I’m blunt and picky about how clean my apartment is. I’m not always good at talking about what bothers me and sometimes I clam up and hold onto it until I crack. I can be very cruel when I’ve been screwed over and my anger scares people. But I’m not fake, I am me and I’m not going to change or be manipulated by some bitter cunt who ignored me for the day when I told her of a complement I got and was confused by. Anytime I brought up how I thought people’s comments and stares were odd she’s always say the same thing “well you do walk around with braces on both legs and you dress how you want. I don’t understand why your confused or surprised.” But she just about lost it when I was cat called and didnt give a shit and then bragged about “cat calling men like they do to us.” I don’t hold grudges and sometimes I really question if it’s a good thing or not. I tried to help an old friend and she dug her grave. I will not be sorry for how I feel or what I said. Why is it okay to push me to a breaking point but god forbid I say anything apparently it makes me a hypocrite and immature?