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#which even meant dreading turning 18 bc I was worried they’d abandon me
m4sc4r4
·
2 years
Text
More on bad relationship habits in the tags
#I mean this didn’t turn up in a vacuum like I think it started when I was a kid and I was picking people
#sometimes unconsciously sometimes deliberately
#to act as a stand in for the parental love and validation and just like general guidance that I didn’t get
#something I needed to do not only because sometimes it was the only way to address real practical problems sometimes I just needed
#to fill the void
#and so I have complicated feelings on it bc no one really wanted to be that for me so I understand that they were overwhelmed
#not to mention sometimes my age or only a couple years older
#but like at the same time sometimes I just wanna look back and scream for someone to just acknowledge me and the situation I’m in
#I got the constant tired response of like ‘’go to ur dad about this’’ but if you take 2 seconds to think
#why would I be spending all my time trying to keep strangers online happy and even sometimes enduring them being very mean to me
#and spending all my time worrying if I was palatable enough to make them love me basically
#which even meant dreading turning 18 bc I was worried they’d abandon me
#why would I be doing all that if my dad was a reliable figure in my life?
#and it’s so angering bc it’s like you could’ve discussed your own side of things without denying the gravity of the situation
#but anyway that’s a tangent that’s not the point
#I know it wasn’t great for the people around me
#and now i really have no excuse but to change
#but that’s so difficult especially since historically when people i viewed as standin caretakers got fed up with me
#I’d just abandon them and cut them off entirely bc of good ol rsd
#I don’t really know any other way to deal with it
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