#but that’s so difficult especially since historically when people i viewed as standin caretakers got fed up with me
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More on bad relationship habits in the tags
#I mean this didn’t turn up in a vacuum like I think it started when I was a kid and I was picking people#sometimes unconsciously sometimes deliberately#to act as a stand in for the parental love and validation and just like general guidance that I didn’t get#something I needed to do not only because sometimes it was the only way to address real practical problems sometimes I just needed#to fill the void#and so I have complicated feelings on it bc no one really wanted to be that for me so I understand that they were overwhelmed#not to mention sometimes my age or only a couple years older#but like at the same time sometimes I just wanna look back and scream for someone to just acknowledge me and the situation I’m in#I got the constant tired response of like ‘’go to ur dad about this’’ but if you take 2 seconds to think#why would I be spending all my time trying to keep strangers online happy and even sometimes enduring them being very mean to me#and spending all my time worrying if I was palatable enough to make them love me basically#which even meant dreading turning 18 bc I was worried they’d abandon me#why would I be doing all that if my dad was a reliable figure in my life?#and it’s so angering bc it’s like you could’ve discussed your own side of things without denying the gravity of the situation#but anyway that’s a tangent that’s not the point#I know it wasn’t great for the people around me#and now i really have no excuse but to change#but that’s so difficult especially since historically when people i viewed as standin caretakers got fed up with me#I’d just abandon them and cut them off entirely bc of good ol rsd#I don’t really know any other way to deal with it
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