#which i bought in february while staying at my sibling's old place for a music festival

[lunarpleurodon]

a- a- mic ok?

いくよおおおおおおおおおお！！

[echoes-of-realities]

.

I’m a writer, and despite not knowing how I feel or what to write, I wanted someplace to record all the things I do remember about him. I spent so long trying to erase every memory of him, and now that he’s really, truly gone, I want all those memories I hated back.

He always smelled of cigarette smoke, sweat, sawdust, and something sweet I can never ever name until I get a whiff of a can of Pepsi being cracked open.

He was quiet, and reserved, and he didn’t like to drink. I get that from him. I got my sweet tooth and terrible eyesight from him too, and I take my coffee the same way he used to. I remember because my sister once tried his coffee before he put the cream and sugar in it and she somehow loved it black; my dad and me couldn’t understand how this three year old liked black coffee. I’m scared I got his addicting personality too, which is why I rarely touch alcohol and will never gamble in my life.

He loved yard sales and pawn shops. It didn’t matter where we were going or how late for a job he would be, he would always pull over and look through them. Was it irresponsible? Yeah, of course, but he would let us wander the plastic tables of people selling their long forgotten memories and dusty old regrets and he never rushed us even as the clock ticked further and further away from being on time.

He bought a GameCube and the Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker for $70 from a yard sale once. We used to crowd around the tv and play together, just the three of us. My sister was too young to handle the controller, but we used to let her sail around the ocean while we looked up walkthroughs. I spent almost 2 frustrating hours trying to do the part on the pirate ship at the very beginning, but when he came home he did it for me and it took him like 10 seconds. I thought it was a miracle despite not knowing what a miracle was.

He once adopted a cockatiel from the lady who hired him to redo her kitchen flooring instead of taking payment for a job. My mom hated that he did that, and hated that bird even more. I was five, but he let me name him Cuddles even though he knew you can’t really cuddle a bird.

He used to set up a cheap tv and our gamecube in his van so my sister and I could play it while he was on jobs. We usually ended up following him around and watching him work though because playing video games by ourselves wasn’t half as fun as seeing strange houses and unrolling carpet. I haven’t even been in a flooring store since, but I could probably install a decent looking carpet even still.

He used to let my sister and I pick the pickles off his McDonald’s burgers even though they were his favourite part, because they were our favourite part too, so he gave them all to us every time.

He bought me a painted wooden elephant from the farmers market just because he saw me looking at it. I can still remember that day; the bright sun, my sister sleeping on my mom’s shoulder, the cement parking bar I was walking on like a tightrope, my dad’s hand in mine and the wooden elephant in the other.

He would call me squirt and monkey instead of sweetie or honey and I always loved that because no other dad I knew called their kids that, and when my sister came along he called her little squirt. I always forget about that until I find myself calling my little cousins squirt or monkey just like he did to me, once upon a forever ago.

He used to fall asleep curled up in front of the fireplace like a cat. Apparently it helped his sore back but I think he just liked the feel of the fire on his face, even if it was electric heat. He once melted a pillow and almost burned down our house and the neighbour’s because we lived in a tiny duplex, but the next day he was fast asleep in front of the fireplace just like always.

He’s the real reason I wanted to learn how to play guitar, and I’ve never once admitted that to anyone. He had an electric guitar and an amp and a microphone set up out in our garage, and I would spend hours trying to get my little fingers to play a chord while he worked on his wood project of the week. He was never any good at it because he never had someone teach him and he was too busy to get better on his own, but I still remember sitting in rapt attention in the garage with cigarette smoke thick in the air between us as he slowly plucked one of the few songs he knew.

The feel of the strings under my fingers and the hum of the body against mine makes me feel closer to him, even in spite of the miles and years and corporeality now between us.

The only thing I have left of him is an old guitar strap, a wooden elephant, and these ashes that were once him.

My dad was a petty thief, he evaded taxes for probably 20 years, he owes over $50,000 in child support, he stole dental equipment and jewelry from jobs, he had a gambling addiction that ruined my family and nearly put us on the street, he went bankrupt and didn’t tell my mom until Canada Revenue was knocking on her door looking for someone to pay off his debts, he abandoned us and hurt me more than anyone else in my life ever has and probably more than anyone else ever will.

He was also just, you know, my dad for 9 years, unquestionably, unconditionally. He taught me to ride a bike, to play video games, to tie my shoes, to sword fight with sticks, to roll carpet properly, to balance on cement parking bars, to bury my sister in sand, to sometimes eat dessert before supper after a really bad day. He gave me my love of music, of video games, of McDonald’s pickles, of fantasy novels, of wolves, of sweet things, of coffee with three teaspoons of sugar. He was my only connection to being Cree and I was too young when he left to ask him all the questions I have about our shared culture.

He was Native and born to two fifteen year olds, the oldest of five kids from four different dads. He never finished grade 8 and started working at age thirteen to help his mom support his siblings. His own father held him in the hospital once the day he was born before being chased off the reserve. His sister never knew her dad either, his brother’s dad was abusive and died of cancer, his youngest brother and sister were 16 years younger than him. He had two kids who were so white passing most people thought we weren’t even his. Between the inter generational trauma and the fact that he never had a stable father figure in his life, it’s a wonder he stayed around as long as he did.

But while knowing this now explains his actions, it doesn’t excuse them. It doesn’t make my own pain magically go away, it doesn’t erase the decade and a half I spent angry and confused and grieving someone who’s love was supposed to be unconditional. I don’t forgive him for all the pain he caused me, but I miss him. I’ve always missed him, despite all the years I spent hiding that with anger.

I’ve always know that grief can be very lonely, I never knew exactly how lonely it truly was until I lost someone that only one other person in my life is grieving. My sister and I are alone, despite the love and support from our friends and family, we’re alone in this. Nobody in our lives aside from us, his only two daughters, miss him.

There’s a different type of grief when you lose an estranged parent, especially one that abandoned you when you were just a kid who had only just learned her times tables and how to write in cursive. It wasn’t my choice to have no contact with him for over half my life, but I still regret those lost years all the same. I’ve been grieving him for fourteen years already, but it’s different now because he’s really gone, not just “out there somewhere.” I used to check obituaries for the town I was born in because I didn’t know whether he was dead or alive, whether he was homeless or had another family, whether he was even in that town or not. He’s really gone now, and so is any chance at ever rekindling with him, at having a relationship with him.

I’ve lost my dad three times in my life:

The first was that February night when he dropped Valentine’s Day gifts off for my sister and I and then disappeared into the dark night, swirling out of focus like the snow falling just out of sight of the porch light.

The second time was that August evening when he sent me a Facebook friend request and I deleted it because I was still so caught up in my anger at him abandoning us that I was in no place to make amends, I know now that it was because he was sick and dying even though it would take another five years before he was truly gone.

The third, and last time, I lost my dad was July 25th, on that windy afternoon when his sister who we’d never met Facebook messaged us to tell us that she found him dead that morning.

I will never lose him again because he’s gone for good now. I’ve know this fact for fourteen years, but somehow it’s so much more painful now than it was on July 24th, when he was out of my life but still out there somewhere, still alive.

[purplesurveys]

921

LOL was gone for a while to attempt doing that ridiculous 5000 survey myself again and I really thought I was going to breeze through it this time. 2 1/2 weeks and 2500 questions later, I need a fucking break. Need normal surveys plz.

What was the best thing to happen to you this week? Got to visit Gabie today! I brought Cooper as well so that she, her sisters, and their puppy Tofu could finally meet him. Fun day, but I am beat. The blackout yesterday also made me revisit painting, and that felt so good too.

Where do you put your keys when you get home? It always differs, idk why I never picked up a routine. Sometimes I set it on the dining table, other times on the decorative table in the living room, and other times I bring it up with me to my room.

Do you prefer hot coffee or iced coffee? I preferred hot (warm would be more accurate) for the longest time but once I went iced, I never wanted to go back. 

What's your phone background picture? I recently changed my lock screen to one of Audrey Hepburn. My home screen is still Hayley Williams.

If you could move to any country, what would it be? Anywhere with a clean and honest government sounds like heaven.

Have you ever seen a snake in the wild? No. Can’t say there’s a lot of them here in the city, and I’ve never seen any in my trip to provinces either.

What's your favourite movie from the 80s? Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

Do you have any posters, paintings or other artwork on your walls? I have at least one of each of these, yes.

What would your dream wedding be like? Huge. I’d want a long guest list, expansive food choices, and acts that can provide good music throughout the evening. I never really throw parties for myself, so I would want at least my own wedding to be big.

Would you ever take a trip to space if given the chance? Yesssssss.

How do you cope with anxiety? I'm lucky to have found different outlets, so that said I usually choose from taking surveys, watching a favorite channel on YouTube, turning to my dogs, going to social media to see dumb memes, or taking a nap altogether. Of course there’ll always be those days where none of these work out and I’ll have to just cry through the anxiety attacks until they’re over.

Are you expecting any phone calls or emails? I’m expecting an email from my college, yes. I’m currently applying for civil service eligibility and they’re asking for documents that only the college can provide, so I emailed them a couple of days ago asking for assistance, and that’s considering we’re still under a lockdown and most offices are still under skeleton staffing.

What's the weather like in your part of the world right now? LOVELY. I actually wear oversized sweaters to bed now and I even managed to wear a thick denim jacket out today. The rainy weather has settled beautifully, and I’m perfectly fine with 24ºC-28ºC everyday.

What was the last takeout food you ate? My mom bought me and my siblings a chicken sandwich and chicken nuggets each from McDonald’s last week.

Who makes you laugh the most? Definitely someone from my college barkada. I can’t decide whether it’s Aya, Kate, JM, or Jum; they’re all equally hilarious as fuck.

Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? See these questions are always weird to me because my country has its own naming customs; it’s basically a mix of American and Spanish customs. We have two first names (where Westerners would understand their second ‘first’ name to be their middle name) and our actual legal middle name is our mother’s maiden surname (which I think doesn’t apply at all in the Western world). So to answer this I’ll go with our own customs and say that no, I don’t know of anyone who has the same middle name as me. It’s not a very common surname anyway.

What did you have done the last time you saw a dentist? Had a tooth removed. I don’t think it was a wisdom tooth; it was just a tooth at the back of my mouth that had been in pretty bad shape for years but was only discovered at that time.

What does a successful relationship look like to you? I believe the formula is different for every couple. Like I value constant communication and checkups, but others might not feel the need to be clingy or update their significant others all the time.

What do you like to put on your baked potato? Don’t really have these a lot, but I remember when my mom used to make baked potatoes with bacon and cheese and those were unbelievably good.

What field of science interests you the most? Biology. <3 I’m sure I would’ve taken up medicine if I only wasn’t so bad in the rest of the sciences.

What's the closest shop or restaurant to your house? There aren’t any nearby shops since I live in a gated community, but once you get out of the village’s main gate, the first thing to the left is a McDonald’s. To the right is a small complex with a hair salon, burger place, music school, and one of those boujee stores that sell hype clothing.

Do you have any family that live in another country? So many relatives. We’re Filipinos, man. We migrate everyfuckingwhere. As far as I know I have family living in the US, Canada, Vietnam, Japan, China, Australia, and New Zealand.

What colour is your couch? Gray.

Do you know how to care for plants and keep them alive? Not at all. Every single plant that I’ve been given as a gift or party giveaway has died on me.

What was the most memorable birthday you've had? 18th was awesome. Cruise trip, hotel stay with friends, Tiendesitas + noodle date with Gab. How I got away with three separate celebrations without my parents saying anything about it I’ll never know.

Would you rather go to the beach or the mountains? Beach. The area where I live is mountainous as it is; as someone who’s always lived and studied in the city, a trip to the beach in the province never gets old.

What do you do for work? I don’t have any yet but I’m waiting for openings for our national agency for either history, or culture and the arts. My plans have shifted recently and I’m now eyeing to work for either instead of rotting away while underpaid at a corporate agency.

Have you ever been to see the circus? No. I wouldn’t be interested either; they all just seem so harsh and unethical. 

Are there any words that you hate or make you cringe? Sure.

What is the best house you've ever lived in? The one we live in today has been the most comfortable; but I also hold a lot of nostalgia for my dad’s parents’ house in Tondo because of how raw Manila life was there. Life wasn’t pretty, but it did feel real.

What was the first CD you ever bought? The first CD I actively wanted my parents to buy for me was probably the High School Musical soundtrack, heheh.

Do you look in the mirror before you leave the house? Yeah, always. Wanna make sure my shirt is tucked in properly (if it is), or that my jeans aren’t cuffed funny or whatever else.

What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? I’ve mentioned this before but it was the Indian dessert gulab jamun. Really did not expect the flavor that came in when it hit my mouth.

Have you ever seen someone quit their job in a dramatic way? I’ve never had a legit job, but when Jeuel quit the org a couple of years ago because of ~irreconcilable differences~ between him and us officers in the executive board it did feel a tad bit dramatic and passive-aggressive.

What movie reminds you of your childhood? Shrek 2 or The Game Plan.

Do you know why your parents named you what they did? The singer named Robyn was really big then and they ended up being fans of the name.

Do you have any bills that need to be paid? None of my own. My parents usually pay the family bills immediately, so I don’t think we have any pending payments for now.

What do you like to dip your fries in? Mayonnaise.

Is your house clean or messy right now? It’s always clean as my mom is extremely tidy.

What was the last email you received? It’s one of the job-hunting websites I’ve signed up for, giving me job alerts for new openings in my chosen industries.

Do you know someone who speaks without a filter? Yeah and I know people who do it responsibly and those who just come off as tactless.

Are you in any social groups? We call our college group the Daydrinkers, since our friendship began when we started constantly hanging out at nearby bars at like 2 PM, during our breaks lol. I used to be in a barkada in high school but Angela and I broke apart from that since we couldn’t deal with Athenna’s toxicity anymore, though I still keep in touch with most of them, like Chelsea and Kaira. Since then Angela and I have formed our own group consisting mostly of Angela’s friends from architecture and Hans’ friends from Ateneo.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Sigh, around 4. I don’t know why it was so few, but it also means that I’m currently drowsy as all hell at 9:03 PM. I will most likely turn in for bed after this.

What's your favourite kind of museum? Those that cover history, so museums that have artifacts and fossils and shit.

Do you believe in alternate universes? I like the idea, and I love literature that explores the idea of alternate realities, multiple universes, pocket universes, etc. Whether or not I believe they exist...idk. I don’t think about it that much in literal terms. < Yeah pretty much. Gaby Dunn wrote an amazing piece on multiverses and that was what got me to find comfort in the idea.

Whose house did you last visit? I was at Gabie’s place this afternoon. We had burritos, talked about career prospects, and puppy-sat our babies.

What games do you play on your smart phone? I turn to 1010 when I’m bored or anxious. I have like 30 other games but I never touch them lol, but I do keep them should the time be right to whip them out.

Have you ever been to Los Angeles? I have not.

What was the first concert you ever went to? Paramore, February 2013. I was a late bloomer; kids my age started going to concerts at least three years before that.

Do you know anyone who is colourblind? I don’t think so.

What's your favourite season and why? The wet season, because it’s colder and I hate the heat during the dry season.

Are you the youngest, middle or eldest child in your family? I’m the eldest.

If you had to make something for a potluck, what would you make? I recently watched this phenomenal recipe for 48-hour chocolate chip cookies that looked absolutely bonkers when they were done baking. I’d for sure give those a try for dessert. If that fails I’d just buy the food so that what I bring is more guaranteed to be good.

What kinds of decorations do you put up at Halloween? My family has never cared much for Halloween. It’s not even a legit holiday, so as much as I love Halloween I don’t think I would spend for decorations myself to decorate my own place. The only instance I imagine doing so would be if I have kids of my own who may want to get into the Halloween ~spirit.

How many tabs do you have open right now? In my current window, eight.

What's something you've been meaning to do but keep putting off? Taking another online course, just because it’s great to learn new things and earn free certifications while at it. I haven’t been doing a good job at being consistent with them, though.

What's the first thing you check on your phone at the start of the day? Facebook since it’s my primary social media now. Literally never thought this day would come.

Have you ever flown a kite? Yeah but it’s been a while.

Who was your favourite music artist when you were 16? This was the time I was slowly moving away from my punk phase and inching closer to Athenna’s music tastes, so I was into acts like Hozier, Banks, Daya, Twenty One Pilots, etc.

What are three things you usually always have in your fridge? Water, bread, eggs.

[thewnchstrs]

Wish You Were Here: Chapter Two

Pairing: JensenXOC(Knightley)

Disclaimers: none

Word Count: 2.6K

S E R I E S  M A S T E R L I S T

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Elliott was awoken by the sound of hurried feet against the wooden floors. He peeked his head from under his arm, his eyes scanning the small room he shared with his four younger siblings. They’d all seemed to still be in bed.

Elliott sat up, counting each of their half-hidden figures. Levi was sprawled out on his cot on the floor, his legs draped over the sides, his blankets balled up around his waist. Jonas faced away from Elliott, towards the wall, he was probably the most peaceful sleeper in the whole house. He looked to his left where Annie laid, facing him, her thumb in between her lips and an arm wrapped around her doll. Elliott had to stand to see William asleep in his bassinet, his arms high above his head and his mouth moving ever so slightly as if he were eating.

When he was sure his siblings were still asleep, he quietly walked to the door, careful not to stir them. He pushed the door open with the flat of his hand, cringing when the door creaked with anguish, but his brothers and sister slept on, nonetheless.

The hallway light wasn’t on like it usually was this early in the morning. He went to flip it on, but the light fixture above him didn’t give off anything except for what seemed like a cough, dusting falling from it. Elliott sighed- he’d known the electricity hadn’t been paid again.

Hobbling downstairs, trying not to trip over his own feet in the dark, he followed the sound of his mother’s frantic footsteps, finally finding her in the kitchen half hazardously throwing a sandwich into a lunch box.

Elliott leaned against the door frame, his arms crossed against his chest, watching his mother before speaking. “Power’s out again.”

Juliet whipped her head to the sound of her son’s voice and Elliott was sure he’d never loved his mother so much. The way she scrambled around the dank kitchen, swapping out the buckets that collected the rainwater falling from a crack in the ceiling while sliding papers into a Manila envelope, red marks and lettered grades being thrown into her bag. She was the definition of a hardworking woman who didn’t get half the credit she deserved.

“I know, Elliott it’s just that…” Juliet sighed, raking a hand through her disheveled hair. “I’ve never been so overwhelmed. These kids I have this year are draining the life out of me, the school board changed the curriculum on us last minute so now all of the high school English teachers have to change all of their lesson plans that we’ve had planned up all the way through February...things couldn’t get any more stressful-”

Before his mom could say anything else, Elliott pulled her into a hug, running a soothing hand down the back of her head. Even though he was only twelve, he was nearly as tall as she was. “It’s okay, mom. It’s all going to be okay.”

Juliet pulled away after a few seconds, admiring her son who she knew, if there was one aspect in this life that she’d gotten right, it was raising her children. “How did your dad and I get so lucky?”

“I was just thinking the same thing,” Henry smiled to himself from where Elliott had been standing, watching his son and his wife. He was already dressed for work, struggling with his clerical collar before finally his wife had to step in and help him. Once she’d gotten it into place, she smoothed down his black shirt before pecking him on the lips, smiling against them.

Elliott faked-gagged, his finger in his mouth. Juliet and Henry only laughed, not taking their eyes off of each other.

“Get a room, you two.”

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I rolled over in bed, my hand expecting to meet Jensen’s solid chest next to me but was met only with the mattress. I slowly sat up, sunlight pouring through the tall windows. I rubbed my eyes with balled up fists, squinting as I tried adjust to the sudden brightness.

The carpet floor was warm beneath my feet as I dragged myself out of bed, not wanting to leave the confines of the blankets. Finally being back home after being away for so long was the best feeling in the world, and sleeping in our own bed was even better.

The smell of sizzling bacon met me halfway down the stairs along with the quiet hum of the record player that had been moved from the living room and into the kitchen. I slowly tiptoed down the stairs, following the music where Jensen was standing with his back to me, flipping the bacon in a pan. A towel slung over his shoulder.

“I met you in the dark, you lit me up, you made me feel as though I was enough,” Jensen sang along, using the spatula as a microphone. He slid across the kitchen from the sink, to the stove, and to the fridge, all as if he were performing on stage. “We danced the night away, we drank too much.”

I held back laughter as his singing became louder to match the volume of the James Arthur vinyl he claimed he’d bought for me, but, in reality,  I knew he loved it. 

Just as he was beginning to finish out the first verse, he whipped around while still singing into the cooking utensil and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me standing a few feet from the island counter top, a hand over my grinning mouth.

I laughed, clapping my hands. “Don’t stop now, the show was just getting started.”

In that moment, I expected Jensen to dash past me and pick the needle off of the spinning record, claiming someone must have snuck the vinyl there without him knowing. Or, I thought he’d say, “Can’t a guy have his guilty pleasures?C’mon!” But, instead, Jensen’s face softened.

Then you smiled over your shoulder,

For a minute I was stone cold sober, I pulled you closer to my chest.

Without hesitation, Jensen put down the spatula and walked around the counter to me. I was beyond confused as to why he hadn’t defended his reasoning as to why he was listening to an overplayed love song. Instead, he wrapped an arm around my waist, and the other hand entwined with mine.

“Jensen, what are you-” I began to ask but he shushed me by kissing me, long and deep and so full of love I was sure I could drown in it. When we pulled away, he only smiled down at me as we slowly began dancing to the music.

I rested my head against Jensen’s chest and Jensen laid his head on top of mine as we swayed. The music moving us along. We didn’t have to say anything, didn’t even have to look at each other. This was enough.

When you looked over your shoulder

For a minute, I forget that I'm older

I wanna dance with you right now

Jensen and I blinked back tears as we danced, thinking of how the last time we did this, it was on our wedding day.

We've come so far my dear

Look how we've grown

And I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old

As the last verse echoed through the living room, I looked up at Jensen, wondering what I ever did to deserve him. I couldn’t find the words- couldn’t express the love I had. “I love you, I love you so much.”

Jensen smiled as he rested his forehead against mine, his hands caressing my cheeks, “I love you, too.”

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“Rachel Ray can kiss my ass!” Gen smirked as she brought the meat cleaver down onto the steak that was on the cutting board in rhythmic hits.

I robotically tossed salad into the salad bowl, subconsciously throwing in kale and bright red tomatoes without much thought. Usually I would be enjoying this, I’ve always loved cooking, especially with Gen. But this time, I couldn’t stop thinking about the baby situation.

“Hello...earth to Knightley.” Gen said, waving a meat cleaver in my face to get my attention. I blinked twice, turning to her.

“Sorry, I guess I’m just in my own little world.” I shook my head, brushing it off as I tossed the salad, but I could still feel Gen’s eyes watching my every move.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

No, I’m not okay. Jensen told me he wanted to start a family and I promised him we would, but it was an empty promise because I can’t even keep it. And, now, I’m mad at myself for letting somebody else down again, and I’m mad at the world for letting what happened, happen. And now I have to tell Jensen I can’t do the one thing women were made to do.

I glanced through the windows above the sink where Jared and Jensen were sitting by the pool watching Tom and Shep swim. Gen followed my gaze and widened her eyes, “It’s not about Jensen is it? Did he do something?”

My head shot up. I didn’t want to tell her, but I also didn’t want to give her the idea that Jensen had done something wrong. “No! No, it’s nothing. I’m fine, really.

“You just seem a little off,” she said, shrugging but visibly relaxed knowing Jensen and I were okay. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Nice, the guilt card. I’ve known Gen long enough that this is the best way she’s able to get information out of me. However, I couldn’t break. I couldn’t tell Gen what was happening, I couldn’t risk telling her and then Jensen accidentally finding out from Jared.

“Yeah, I know.” I nodded, throwing onions into the bowl, not looking at Gen because I knew if I did, she’d talk me into telling her what was wrong.

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“And Jensen totally bit it- fell on his face and everything.” Jared laughed, tears running down his face as he remembered when we were on set only a month ago when Jensen insisted on doing his own stunt, which didn’t end well.

“That was not funny-” Jensen said, pointing his fork at him, despite his laughter as he poked another piece of steak from his plate.

“Daddy and Auntie K are right, it’s funny, Uncle Jensen,” Tom said from Jensen’s left side, nodding as he spooned the noodles from his bowl. Shep nodded along with his older brother, agreeing.

I nodded my head, laughing “Tom and Shep are right. It was hilarious,” Jared and I high fived and then fist-bumped Tom and Shep from across the table. Jensen only rolled his eyes, no doubt feigning off embarrassment. 

Odette, who sat at in her highchair next to Gen squealed in laughter, making Jensen shake his head, “Not you, too, kid!”

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Gen and I gathered the plates from the table as Jared and Jensen went to put down Tom and Shep to bed, each of them throwing a kid over their shoulders as they raced up the stairs and into their rooms.

“You don’t have to clean up, you know. You are our guest,” Gen said as we scraped the remaining food into the trash.

“Gen, my husband is putting your kid to sleep. I don’t think we’re guests anymore than we are family.” I said, scrubbing the plates in the sink and Gen laughed, nodding.

“Tom and Shep love you guys, Odette, too. You’re both so good with them.” she smiled, “You two would make great parents.” I froze momentarily as she said it, just long enough that she noticed. “That’s it, Knight.” Gen turned the faucet off, halting my dish cleaning and faced me, her arms folded across her chest. “What’s going on?”

I laid my options mentally out in front of me. I could either: not tell Gen, which could lead to mistrust later in our friendship once she finds out the truth. Tell Gen, and risk Jensen hearing the news from someone other than me. Or lie.

I knew I couldn’t brush it off like last time, I was too out of my element already. I knew she wouldn’t buy it. That left me with the truth, or a flat out lie.

I began thinking something up, an elaborate fabrication that would definitely put off the real talk until another day, but as I thought about it, my heart sank. I couldn’t lie to Gen. She was my best friend, the closest thing I had to a sister. How could I lie to her?

I closed my eyes momentarily, setting the plate into the sink before grabbing the towel and drying my hands. I looked to Gen who was watching me nervously.

Letting out a deep breath, I knew what I had to do. “Jensen wants to have a baby.”

I watched as Gen’s face went from nervousness to one of confusion and then excitement. “A baby!?” she squealed, but I quickly shushed her, looking toward the stairs to make sure Jensen wasn’t eavesdropping. “But...but that’s a good thing, right? I mean- a baby. I never actually thought I’d see the day.”

“Yeah, well that makes two of us.” I mumbled, throwing the towel onto the counter behind me. Gen immediately noticed my demeanor.

“What’s wrong? Do you not want one?”

“I do,” I said quickly, “it’s just that- I can’t, exactly have one.”

Gen shook her head, confused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I physically can’t have a child, Gen.” I bit my lip, hearing myself say it was new. I never wanted to think about the truth of it all.

Her shoulders slumped forward as she pulled me in for a hug, holding the back of my head. “I’m sorry, Knightley.”

I rested my head on her shoulder, wishing these weren’t the circumstances, and that maybe we could be having something exciting to celebrate.

She pulled away, her eyes sad. “I don’t understand, you’re so young...do you know what’s wrong?”

I swallowed past the lump in my throat. I wanted to tell her the truth, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to tell her the whole truth. So I just shook my head and fiddled with my wedding ring.

“Did you tell Jensen?” she asked. When I didn’t answer her she sighed. “Knightley…”

“Gen, I can’t tell him. It will kill him. He- he’s been talking about this for the last two weeks. What am I supposed to say?”

“I don’t know, I wish I had all the answers, but you need to tell him. He’ll understand. He won’t want you to go through this alone.”

“What if he leaves me?” I said so suddenly I hadn’t even thought about it, my mouth running faster than my brain.

She shook her head roughly. “No. No, Jensen would not do that to you. Not ever, do you understand?”

I nodded, knowing what I said was stupid. Of course I knew Jensen wouldn’t, but I couldn’t bear the thought of it becoming a reality. So, I had to trust Gen, had to trust that telling Jensen the truth would make this all better.

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[sareesinthewind]

Photo 1: Thevy, Sri Lanka, 1974 Photo 2: Thevy at home in Zambia with her son B and Leonard Banda Photo 3: Thevy and her son B visiting her anna Jegan and his family in Tanzania,1984. THEVY Australia Our brief time in Iran was at the time of the 1979 revolution. Our son, B,  was only 18 months old when he and I joined my husband (referred to hereafter as uncle)  who was working as an engineer in Bandar Abbas, on the southern coast. It was the first time B and I had left Sri Lanka.  Uncle had sent us a msg to not get on our flight out of Sri Lanka, because it was too dangerous in Iran, but in the chaos of trying to organise our visas and departure, I missed this memo. Life was tough for everyone. Food was in short supply, as was gas.  We lived in a small flat for company staff. We often heard gun shots from the streets and it was made clear to us, more than once, that as foreigners, we were not welcome in Khomeini’s Iran. Uncle wasn’t able to leave the house to go to work shortly after we arrived because of the civil unrest, so for the remaining six-to-eight months that we were there, he stayed at home and would only leave if we had to buy food or for emergencies. I had to stay inside with our son the whole time.  We had a very small group of friends that uncle had met after he arrived in Iran, to lean on and sometimes share our meals and shopping trips with. However I was the only woman in the group.   Realising the dangers we were in, Uncle’s boss offered to help us leave the country as the airport had been shut down. Uncle’s boss drove us in his car via a jungle route to the port. We had to stay off the roads to ensure our safety. From there we got on a cargo boat to Dubai.  It took 20 terrifying hours to cross the Persian Gulf. There were about 20 others, mainly from India, travelling with us, but I can’t remember if we were spread across one or two boats. To protect my little son from the anger of the ocean, I stayed with him inside the deck the entire time. There was one other woman in the group and she was pregnant.  Our next challenge was in Dubai. We were not allowed to disembark because we didn’t have a visa.  I had brought powdered milk for our son, B,  which we shared with the others. Some of the men went to the Indian embassy and negotiated with them to allow us to travel to the airport and get flights back to our countries.  Eleven hours later we were given this clearance.   However, our family found itself in trouble again, because we had purchased our ticket to Sri Lanka on a Singapore airlines flight using Iranian money, which the airline would not accept. B had been suffering from seasickness and had been vomiting on the boat, and so to pacify him, I told him that I would buy him a helicopter when we got off. I bought him one at the airport, which kept him occupied and happy. At around the 18 hour mark, two Singapore airline pilots walked past us and our son caught their attention when he called out ‘uncle’ to them’. They kissed him and asked us where where we were going. The pilots were on their way to Sri Lanka and kindly arranged for us to get on their flight. Our friend picked us up from Bandaranaike Airport. We had a nice meal, shower and sleep at his home in Colombo and the next day we took the Yal Devi (train) to Jaffna. My parents were no longer there as they had left to join my elder brother in Tanzania and all my siblings had also left the island.  So we rented a place and stayed in Jaffna, unclear again of our next steps. We knew that finding a job for my husband was going to be tough, and that we had to look for opportunities abroad. We left the country six months later in February 1980 and made our way to Zambia, as uncle had been offered a job there in a copper mine.  The company paid for our tickets and provided us with a home in a gated colony for workers of the mine. They also ensured that we had food for a few days.  There were food shortages in Zambia and so those that were already helped to ensure the newcomers didn’t have to worry about sourcing food. B made friends with the four children of our domestic help, Leonard Banda, and so immediately settled into his new life. B was thrilled to celebrate his 3rd birthday with them.  We communicated with everyone in English. For B’s 4th birthday, we wanted to share his cake with others who were not as fortunate as us and so through a friend, we learnt of a school in Luanshya  for children with disabilities. A week before the date, I started explaining the situation of the children to B and why some of them may have certain disabilities. I explained to him that he would need to pour the ‘jolly juice’ for the 65 kids - a duty he happily performed on the day.   I made a cake in the shape of a chess board and chess pieces and we had a wonderful day with the children. I was so happy to see B and the kids enjoying their time together. It was there that I realised I was in a place where I can, with love, support those around me that are not so fortunate.  After this date, I would encourage friends in Zambia to donate a meal or two to this school as a way to honour deaths of family members back home and some of them did just that. I started doing community volunteer work. I set up a tutoring class in one of the local churches and taught basic maths and English to children who attended.   There were about five or six Tamil families and about 15 or so Sinhala families who were working in the copper mines in Luanshya. Other workers and their families were from India, Philippines and Sri Lanka. We didn’t feel lonely because all those working in the copper mines lived together in a colony.  During the weekend we often gathered at each other’s homes for parties.  We are still close friends with one of the Sinhala families we met there. We were very fortunate in many ways, however I did find it tough there. As women, we did have to sacrifice the opportunity to work and to study.  Women were not allowed to work unless they were professionals like doctors. In Jaffna, women had the freedom to study new skills and be independent.  My two dreams had been to get a Diploma in Home Science at Lady Erwin College in Madras and to study carnatic music at Annamalai University.  But my family couldn’t afford my university education and so I  started working when I was 19 years old. When B started schooling, a dear friend, who knew I was struggling with not being able to work,  asked me if I was interested in doing volunteer work as a bookkeeper at the Luanshya Golf Club. I was delighted to be offered the opportunity! I went there daily and learnt new skills and took on quite a lot of responsibilities.  As a thank you for my efforts, I was given  local currency which I used to buy a gold bangle which I still wear to remember my years in Zambia. The company gave us a ticket to go back to Sri Lanka once every three years.  During those trips back home, I made sure that I would bring back all the spices that we would need. We could purchase them in Zambia however it was an hour or so away from our home. My appa joined us in 1987. He was 76 years old. He had been living with my anna, Jegan, and his family in Malaysia in the few years prior.  Appa quickly settled into life in Luanshya. He became a popular figure with the locals. When I took food for the elderly people at the Home for the Aged, he would join me and help me pack food.  My dearest appap passed away while he was with us in Zambia.  My amma, on my insistence, had arrived just a few days prior to his death. I had an intuition that something was going to happen to appa, which is why I pushed for amma to join us from the UK. She had been living there with my other siblings. All my six siblings attended appa’s funeral as did much of Mufulira. After twelve years in Zambia, we migrated to Australia.