#which i don't think disables me but it is harder when i'm driving i've found

[uncanny-tranny]

Definitely don't knock your device's accessibility options. I was looking through my phone's accessibility settings last night, and wow, it feels like technology has really advanced since I first got a smartphone.

I've even found a setting that raises certain sounds I apparently have trouble hearing, and it feels like I'm experiencing the music I love with a completely different perspective. It's honestly wild because my first smartphone had like... mono audio, and that was as close as you could get to accessibility

[darkaviarymc]

So why tf are you living with a zionist? And why tf did you get married to one in the first place?

I've gotten anons asking invasive questions about my relationship with Troy and why I have yet to end it, and I've deleted each one. I don't know if you're the same anon, but I'm guessing you follow me because my latest #aviisleaving post has no notes and was less than an hour old when I received this ask.

But.

Due to recent events in this fandom, abuse has become a spotlight topic. I don't know if I would call my marriage abusive or not. But whether or not it is, my situation and my reasons for staying in it for the time being is similar to what abusive victims face. There are many reasons not to leave, to bide your time before leaving, and to not be able to leave at the time or even at all, and I think it's an important discussion to have.

I'll start by explaining why I'm with him in the first place. We used to be closer ideologically. He wasn't always this far right and (this is where I make a confession that idk if I'm actually ready to make, but here we go) I wasn't always this far left. Seven years does a lot to change people, for better or worse. I was a left-leaning centerist, he was a right-leaning centerist, and we met in the middle to either compromise or peacefully agree to disagree.

We were both nerdy autistic weirdos with the same taste in music, same sense of humor, and enough ideologically in common to make peace. He got along well with my daughter and was quick to let me know that, if we ever got married, he'd consider her his kid as if she was his own.

I'm hyper-romantic. I see romance basically everywhere I look, and I fall in love hard and fast. He wasn't used to having a woman (my egg hadn't cracked yet, we'll get to that) who wasn't an absolute bitch be interested in him, so he fell harder than he ever had. We also both hated our situation at home, and I wouldn't pretend that wasn't a factor. We rushed the relationship and got married before we'd been together a year.

Everything changed for me when I realized I was queer.

I found the community I'd been denying for my whole life, and I learned a lot. He was an ally then. A flawed one, but he was willing to try. He was supportive of me when I came out, first as bisexual and then as nonbinary.

But everything changed for him when the wreck happened. He was driving with our mutual best friend in the front passenger seat when he lost control on black ice and slid into oncoming traffic. Our friend died at the scene, and Troy's injuries left him permanently disabled. He's since regained his independence, but he'll always struggle with his left arm.

We both took solace in our faith (I'd still consider myself a Christian, feel how you feel about that, I've heard it all) but he got lost in Christian Reddit, then Christian TikTok. Christian TikTok led to Evangelical TikTok, which led to transphobic, homophobic, MAGA, and zionist TikTok.

He ate that shit up. He fucking chugged that kool-aid. It gave him something besides himself to be angry at.

Grief opened my mind and closed his. It softened my heart and hardened his.

It just went downhill from there.

And now I can't live with this. I know he can't either, and the only reason he hasn't initiated a separation is because 1) there's no biblical grounds for divorce because I haven't cheated on him, and 2) he doesn't think a fat, autistic, disabled nerd in his 30s with a small dick and $30,000 in medical debt could ever find a godly wife. His words, not mine.

So if I want what's best for myself, my daughter, and yes, even for Troy, I need to be the one to leave.

So why haven't I yet?

First and foremost, money. We live in a society blah blah blah. Our society isn't friendly single mothers, queer people, or disabled people, and I'm about to be all three. I need to be 100% certain that I can support not only myself, but a high support needs autistic teen daughter who will likely never be able to live independently.

We currently only have one working vehicle, and aren't in a financial place to remedy that. I will need my own form of transportation if I'm going to be on my own.

All of my preparations (housing, transportation, moving logistics, etc) will have to be enacted quickly and perfectly. Surgical precision packing, moving, and stocking up on groceries so I don't have to leave the house for a while within 24 hours. Why? Because his family can't have any forewarning. I would not be safe. Currently, I'm not safe emotionally, but if I mess up even one step off the plan, if I'm not perfect in my exit strategy, I won't be safe physically, and neither will my daughter. I won't elaborate further on that.

Not only do I have to leave perfectly, but I have to be 150% positive months in advance that I can keep perfect. Because he has friends and family in places that could be dangerous for me, not the least of which is CPS. I fully expect to have them at my door by the end of the first month. I can't give them cause to take my daughter, even if it's the smallest, stupidest thing. Especially since they'll already have a small, stupid thing. Namely, my queerness and my disability.

Because I'm under no impression whatsoever that Troy won't out me to every single person who I can't safely be out to the instant he gets the chance. I will have no more help from (and possibly no contact with) my family. I will be completely alone. My support system will be gone forever. I have to be emotionally, mentally, and financially ready for that.

And I am none of those things right now.

And until I am, I have to do whatever I can to keep myself safe enough to bide my time for the right opportunity.

[dianalolihikki]

Hey!💜

I think I've caught some kind of allergy,because for the past few days I've had a red face,in addition, everything makes me itch,and my sensory hypersensitivity is probably at its peak. I wonder what could be behind my allergy. I just hope it's an allergy to some pollen,and not to the delicious Chinese chicken I ate on Thursday with E.

Even a peeling didn't help get rid of those red spots on my face.

I took an allergy pill, maybe it will help.

I should have had those allergy tests done long ago, but I always put it off.

💮💮💮💮

I was supposed to read that book I wrote about yesterday, but somehow I couldn't get myself to do it today. I don't know why, but usually when I'm at the end of a book it's harder for me to read.

Maybe I don't want to part with the book?

💮💮💮💮

My father lay in his room all day today and sobered up. I love days like this!��

💮💮💮💮

Today I did not go for a walk with B,because all day it was only 10 degrees Celsius outside, it was windy, raining and cloudy.

So I walked again on the electric treadmill in my room. We didn't talk about anything in particular, more about dummies like the opening of the village store, but it was still fun.🎀

I found out that U gave her the earrings that B was wearing today.

Could it be that U is trying to pretend to be B's good friend just to try to take away B's husband?

💮💮💮💮

At the time B was with me,my mom called the reception at the health center. She finally got the code and gave it to K. Then K asked for scans of the disability certificate and other personal information to enter the me into some system. I printed out a copy of my disability certificate to my mother, and she took a picture of the certificate and sent it by text message to K.

I haven't heard from him since. Maybe it takes a while to enter into the system? Or maybe he did it in the afternoon,after work?

I would already like to know when I will have my first physical therapy session with K.

I'm betting it will be Wednesday,but as you can read above I don't have a date yet.

Nevertheless, it is important that the case went forward.

💮💮💮💮

There was an option that I would go to E tomorrow together with my younger brother and his girlfriend. I didn't say it out loud, but I was a little scared. I have a rather strange fear of being left alone in a car. It started four years ago, when my mother parked the car on a small, steep hill u I was afraid that the car would go down.

Now I have somewhat mastered this fear, I no longer cry or panic, although when I am left alone in the car I prefer when the door on my side is open, I also prefer to sit sideways,so that my legs are outside the car

My brother does not have as much patience with my fears and drives a car quite fast.

Admittedly, at the end of the day, my trips with him are usually great,but the fear stayed somewhere in me.

There was also the possibility that mom was going to drink a beer, and my brother was going to drive us both anyway, because mom has a dentist appointment tomorrow.

Fortunately, mom didn't drink any beer and it's most likely that she will be the one to drive me to E tomorrow 🎀🩷.

💮💮💮💮

I haven't said it yet, but to raise money for physical therapy,my mother and I send letters to various companies, in which I describe my situation. Usually, we always include a certificate for a physical therapy camp on a particular date

Unfortunately, the physiotherapy camp I attended in September does not want to give us a certificate for the back up appointments( The closer the date of the camp,the more willing companies are to donate), where I am booked , so we attach a certificate for physiotherapy at E.

Mom came up with the idea for me to sign up for another camp, where her friend whom we know from camps where J and A worked is going.

I don't know how I will react to yet another change. Although maybe I don't care anyway since I can't go to J?

Now I wonder if the fact that I don't inform A and J first about K's physical therapy stuff is a sign that they are no longer important to me? I don't think I would survive that!!!

💮💮💮💮

Speaking of camps, I saw a live broadcast on Tiktok today where I saw a physiotherapist working with a child.

This physiotherapist is P.

P worked in the same physiotherapy camp where A and J worked.

P also no longer works there.

Although I don't like P and his physiotherapy methods, I couldn't stop watching this live broadcast.

💮💮💮💮

I am ending for today. I should go to sleep earlier,because due to mom's dentist I start my physiotherapy session with E an hour earlier than usual tomorrow.

Although I probably won't fall asleep anyway until all the lights in the house are out.

[ayotocorp]

What if conversation, but dungeon

I had a dumb idea I threw out over on Mastodon/Twitter about a TTRPG where combat is abstract, theater of the mind sorts of things. You know, maybe a die gets rolled here or there, but it's mostly narrative people saying what cool thing they want to do to make the sword go stab and what have you. I honestly don't even think the players would have stats regarding combat actions.

In exchange, however, actual conversations between the players and a character take the form of dungeon crawls. Random, labyrinthine dungeons where the actual actions the characters take are metaphorical representations for what's happening in the conversation. Let me give an example: a Rogue in DnD is primarily focused around disabling traps and then doing big damage with positional help from allies. In this hypothetical system, disabling traps would mean pre-emptively avoiding tricky topics in a conversation, or preventing them from being an issue through some means. For example, recalling that a character has gone through a messy divorce so that it can be sidestepped, or perhaps using it as a means to connect further with the character in question, effectively disabling the conversation point as an issue. For the big damage, that would be something like assisting an ally with a well-placed barbed comment to help drive a point home. If you've ever read manga, that'd be something similar to the visual gag when a character has a speech bubble that pierces through another character who visibly reacts to it as if getting struck. Other classes could have similar things mapped to the style of conversation. They also don't need to be mapped 1:1, that's just an example of how the concept works using an existing character archetype.

The actual dungeons could potentially splinter off, with each branch being a different part of a dialogue tree. You start off the dungeon at the entrance, and perhaps there's three different avenues to pursue with the person you're speaking to. Two of those might be dead ends (representing perhaps bad angles of inquiry or paths that you simply don't have information to traverse), or maybe two paths can combine into one but one path is harder to traverse while the other is more circuitous. At the end of the dungeon is some kind of treasure, maybe a verbal contract for something your group needs, or perhaps it's a piece of hidden information that you're trying to suss out of a prisoner, or it might even just be a friendship increase.

The big thing I'm not sure about is what the actual point of the game is. In my mind it can fit potentially two different games: a Psychonauts-style mental therapy adventure, or a heist. In the case of the Psychonauts adventure, it's less a metaphor and more literal. You're perhaps diving into their mindscape to fix something about their personality, or implant information, etc. The important thing is it's literally a dungeon inside their mind. The heist is probably closer to what I originally envisioned, where the actual heist the characters are performing is abstracted into theater of the mind, but the setup is done via dungeon crawls. Which, all things considered, might honestly be a better way to go about it. I've found that heists in RPGs tend to be really, really fun during the planning phase, but kind of bad during the execution phase. Either everything goes perfectly, which means nothing happens and you basically walk through the dungeon, or something breaks and a lot of your planning just goes out the window. With this flipped scenario, the planning IS the dungeon, and the difficulty of various assists you're trying to get ahold of is reflected in the difficulty of the haggling or difficulty dungeon you're navigating. Then, when the heist happens, you get to flavor it up and pull all your plans together in a fancy cinematic experience.

Just my 2 cents.

Crossposted on Cohost

[missbecky]

Okay, time for another long post about a cool weird thing that happened with my cards last night. I still don't know how I feel about deities, I don't know that I'll ever worship one, as that's just not me to worship. But I have felt as though there was an entity, goddess, force, something trying to reach me. Any time I've tried to glean information on who it was, I kept getting a door slammed in my face. I kept getting messages that I wasn't ready. And I was totally fine with that.

I'm unemployed right now, I'm a single mom, and I live with my disabled mother to help take care of her. With COVID-19, we don't take chances as my mom is in the high risk category. What that all means is that I've had way too much time on my hands. So I've been like a sponge, soaking up all the knowledge I can when it comes to witchcraft. Not being ready wasn't that big of a deal, because it just meant I got to do more research and keep putting off stuff I didn't really want to do.

Yesterday, I did my daily card draw, and the message was suddenly way different. Change has always been in the messages, but also the stopping in order to be ready for the changes. Yesterday morning I drew the the star, the chariot, and the hanged man reversed. I took that as a go for it.

Later that day I was prowling all the research servers, and the went to Google something about deities, and found an article/blog post someone had written about wishing people would stop using a very specific tarot spread for deity identification. Naturally, I decide to do that very spread. It was a five card spread, I wrote down what I wanted to know, and started shuffling. I shuffled for what felt like forever, and then when I laid the cards out, without thinking, I laid out 7. At first I was going to put the last two back, but decided to leave them. And the cards were all over the place. But I looked at it, and thought, "whoa, whoever this is, is not messing around.

So this is what I laid out.

Before I get into breaking down what these cards meant and how each one directly correlates to one specific deity, I want to point out where my head was at going into this.

I basically really actually got started with everything like 2 weeks ago. I'm basically still a newborn, right? Anyway, as soon as I start researching, I keep getting drawn to Deities. That's weird because I'm an agnostic and basically have no interest in higher powers. If they're there cool, if not cool. I have always believed that if there is some kind of being that could mold and shape the world, then my puny human brain can't comprehend them anyway, and it's really none of my concern. So, it's been really strange that this repeatedly keeps sticking out for me. I get the distinct impression that whatever energy is reaching out to me is female, a tie to the moon, the feeling of 3 was there, I knew it had to be associated with motherhood, and just a general overall feel of the empowerment of women. Naturally, I just kind of assumed Hecate, but that never actually felt correct to me.

So the 3 of cups being the first card just kind of reinforced the sense of 3 to me, and the whole sisterhood aspects of women empowering women. I wrote down 3, sisterhood, and good times. In the spread that was supposed to be 5 cards (and I did 7), the first card was supposed to sum up who the deity was.

I love my tarot deck for the strength card the most, I think. Strength is a mama bear. Again, this confirms my feeling of being tied to motherhood. The second card was supposed to represent the deities weakness. I wrote mama bear, power, and overly protective.

The third card was the chariot, and according to the spread this was their strength, their power. I wrote down action, strength, determination, will-power.

Then I get to the 4th card, the lovers. This is supposed to be what they rule. This one had me scratching my head. Now the author said this one will be harder to figure out, because the deities could even try to be snarky with this. I didn't even know what to do with this card, but like it made sense later. As I was going through each card individually, however, I came up with nothing, and in turn wrote nothing.

Card 5 was to be their symbol or association, and I had drawn 7 card. Anyway, I began analyzing the reversed hierophant, and the reversed 2 of cups. By that point I'm feeling personally attacked. And then the King of swords felt like a slap in the face. Words like logical, smart, level headed came up, which is honestly the person I've always prided myself on being. What was that person doing trying to contact a deity? I basically had to stop and ask myself wtf I was doing.

Like all shadow work, I decided to go browse the internet to distract myself from having to think about it too much. So I start googling triple Goddess and love, even though the lovers definitely didn't feel right, I'm like what the hell? Why not? Hecate and Diana come up, well that's not right. So I decide to take away the triple deciding I could just be way off base with the whole 3 thing. So I Google goddess of female empowerment and found a list of badass goddesses, and Artemis stuck out to me. But I'm like, no, that can't be right. This peace loving hippie couldn't possibly identify with the goddess of the hunt (which was the extent of my knowledge about Artemis). I then Google goddess of sisterhood, envisioning a woman running with a girl gang fucking shit up. What the fuck do you know, but that is Artemis.

After that Google search, I decide I clearly don't know enough about Artemis, and had recently downloaded some Greek mythology books, have never had the slightest interest in Greek mythology, but I saved them in my Google drive just in case. After finding out a bit about Artemis from Google, I turned to the digital books I had.

It was crazy how each of the cards began actually tying into the mythology of Artemis. She traveled with like a gang of nymphs, which I'm sure there was some sisterhood there. She helped her mother deliver her twin brother, and became like the patron God of childbirth. She defended babies and Young girls. She only ever wanted to belong to herself and so she requested everlasting virginity. From what I read she was very protective, straight up murdered rapists, and she was strong to a fault, which made sense why the strength card was listed as weakness. Apollo challenged her to hit a target way out in the ocean that she couldn't see, telling her she couldn't do it, she did it to prove she could and there was no better sharpshooter than her. The target was Orion, the only person she ever loved. So the reversed two of cards made sense. The reversed hierophant made sense because she was not traditional, she went against the grain. Her story is far from ordinary, even by mythological standards. She was a straight up badass that lived life on her terms and no one else's. There's nothing more rebellious than a woman with such control of her own life and destiny. And of course the chariot would be her strength identification, she was nothing but action oriented. The lovers could be interpreted several ways, but I take it as a woman who loves herself so fiercely she had no need for any other kind. But also when I think of love, I don't think of romantic love, I think of the bond i share with my daughter. She fiercely loved her brother, and maybe because she helped with his birth it connected her to him similar to that of a mother and child? That of course speculation. But the lovers card could also be a jab at her eternal virginity. And the King of swords sounded exactly like Artemis.

So I'm convinced this spread is talking about Artemis, but I can't shake the aspect of 3. Can't let that one go. Don't know why. So I'm looking through the l The Greek Myths by Robert Graves, and in it he speculated that Artemis was in fact a triad/triple Goddess!!!

Needless to say, I lost my fucking shit after reading that one. I was right in what I felt about what traits I felt the energy having, and the fucking spread related with every gd card.

Oh, and apparently Artemis chose to spend most of her time in the mountains. One of my favorite thing in all of the things is the mountains of Colorado, second only to my daughter, and I even identify as connected with earth elements the most because of my love for mountains. Makes me wonder how long Artemis has been trying to get my attention 😉

Anyway, I don't know what this all means to me personally yet. I've been ridiculously drained today, it's already 11 pm, and I only just now felt like I had enough energy and focus to write this out. So haven't had much time to sit with everything I experienced and felt last night.

However, it was very exciting! And I had to share my experience!