#which means i should be able to come up with a good gym schedule

[stairset]

I'm quitting my job soon and getting an actual full time job that actually pays well which is good cause my habit of impulse buying expensive things is returning

[billthedrake]

GOALS (PART FOUR)

Story idea by and collaboration with top son Turner (bimgm36@gmail.com).

[AUSTIN]

The holidays were tough. Thanksgiving meant family time for Scott. Shannon was back home and Scott took time off to spend with his wife and daugher. He even canceled our Tuesday session that week.

I had a full couple of days of training sessions to preemptively make up for the holiday. Wednesday afternoon, I made the drive an hour to my Mom's aunt's place where we always spent the holiday, at least since my parents' divorce. It was my first time visiting since I'd come out to them, and I was a little nervous. They acted like nothing was different though. Maybe nothing was different. I was still little Austin in their eyes, and nothing too much had changed.

I texted Scott throughout the day, like I did pretty much every day now. We used a different app to be discreet. By midday though his texts stopped, so I decided to give him a break and let him enjoy family time.

December also meant not as much Scott Delahunt time as I wanted. The man had some work obligations - corporate holiday parties, fundraisers, attending social events from his and his wife's circle of friends. By mid-December, too, Shannon was back home.

Scott seemed apologetic. One evening after our sessions, we were back at my place for a quickie. I used to love quickie sex, and I still did, but that's all we had time for lately. Still, Scott made a show of stripping down for me and getting on his knees in my living room. "Let me take care of you buddy," he hissed.

I still occasionally blew Scott, but it was rare now. And when time was short we went for the basics. His mouth on my cock.

I'd been worked up, and I lasted no more than a minute and a half. Scott greedily gulped my seed. He didn't even pull back to taste the cum, he just let his throat milk me. He'd gotten real good at relaxing his throat.

My prick plopped out of his lips with a smack. Scott had a proud satisfied look on his face as he slowly stroked the lower part of my rod. "Sorry I've not had much time for you, man," he said.

"You don't have to apologize, Scott," I said. "Your family comes first. I mean that."

He looked at me, a little emotional. "Wish I didn't have to choose," he admitted.

"You don't," I said. "But can I get a kiss before you head out?"

"Definitely," he grinned as he stood up. Even with a quick suck, he'd managed to cum in his fist, and I saw his spike still pulsing.

"MMMhhh," he moaned as our bodies connected, then our lips.

"Something to tide me over," he said dreamily as we pulled back.

I had been sincere about wanting Scott to enjoy his family time. But I also knew Christmas would be another tough stretch. Scott and I had no definite plans, but I'd bought him a nice golf-attire zip-up and some expensive golf balls. I wasn't sure when I'd have a chance to give them to him.

Turns out the Saturday before Christmas I got a private message from Scott. Around 7 AM, but I didn't get it until closer to 8, when I woke up.

"Short notice, buddy, but you have any free time today?"

My morning wood jerked even harder. "Yeah, absolutely," I wrote. "When is good?" Saturday usually meant a morning workout and afternoons cleaning up the apartment. But I knew I'd rearrange my schedule to his.

"Kelly and Shannon are going shopping late morning. Wanna meet at my office? Should be quiet there."

We set up a tentative plan. Which two hours later became less tentative. I was able to fit my workout in and shower, then drove straight to his work building right from the gym. Traffic was heavy with the run-up to Christmas, but I still made it on time. It was the first time I'd ever been to Scott's work. He did a great job of keeping me separate from his regular life. I think he thought I'd be offended by that, but I had experience dating married men. Maybe too much.

He was waiting at the entrance. It was cold out, and he had a knee-length camel-colored winter coat on and a plaid scarf that set off his handsome features and silvery temples. "Hey," he smiled as he took his hands out of his pocket and offered his hand for a shake.

It felt weird to shake his hand, but we were in public and this was Scott in his business mode. He was even wearing a suit.

"What's going on?" I asked, chuckling some.

Scott had an impish grin. "I thought we'd have a private Christmas celebration. Just you and me."

"Here?" I asked.

"Here, buddy," he said with a wink. "Come on."

I followed him and I felt nervous. Mostly because it felt like we were risking something by walking into his office building together, even on a Saturday.

It was deserted of course, except for the security guard. "Good day, Mr. Delahunt..." the older African-American man greeted. "Another working weekend?"

"Fraid so," Scott said. "Have some project materials to give Matt here..." he lied.

The man waved us on and soon we were taking the elevator up, way up. I think I had a fantasy idea of what a C-suite office would look like. Scott Delahunt's corner office lived up to that fantasy. Spacious, amazing view, modern furnishings, big desk.

He shut the door behind us and took off his overcoat. He wore one of his pinstripe suits, along with a banker-striped shirt and patterned tie.

I set down the shopping bag I carried, one with his presents. "I brought you your Christmas gifts," I said, excited for him to open it.

He seemed pleased and said, "I have one for you, too, buddy.... but first things first... why don't you have a seat.... over in my chair."

"You mean?"

He nodded. "It's your fantasy, right?"

I'd told him about this one all right. Turns out Scott was determined to make it a reality. I'd barely sat down in his plush leather swivel chair when the middle-aged exec undid his coat button and knelt down on the floor in front of me, almost half under his own desk. He reached out and ran his hands up my jeans and then undid my fly.

I was rock hard within seconds. Particularly as his fingers pulled down my boxer briefs and freed me for his inspection.

"How does your fantasy go?" he asked as he gave my hard tool soft gentle strokes.

"Pretty much like this," I gulped. "The big boss servicing me at his desk."

He took his eyes off my cock and looked up at me. So frickin handsome in his suit and tie. "You like being the big boss for a change, huh?"

"Oh god," I grunted and nodded. Amazed he was indulging my turns on so effortlessly.

"Well, sit back and enjoy," he hissed. Then he took me into his mouth. He was slower than normal. Almost torturously sly. I could tell he wanted me to relish this scene. I'd dreamed of it, and here Scott was, delivering it on a silver platter. His hot executive mouth working me up and down. His suit bunching up some as he hunched his shoulders to brace his upper body on my thighs.

Soon those slow strokes were going deep. All the way to my pubes. "Ah FUCK!" I hissed. Looking around the walls and out the window. Amazed I could enjoy this professional space of his as our private sexual space. "Suck my cock, boss!" I hissed.

My hand rested on his head and now pushed him down on me with each deep swallow. Just enough roughness to turn me on, but not so much as to freak Scott out. He seemed to sense my need and one hand left my thigh to take my wrist to guide it to his head.

I pumped his throat now, lifting my hips off that chair to fuck into his hot mouth. I tested his gag reflex, once but only once. Amazingly he took it for the twenty or thirty seconds it took me to work toward my cum. I looked out the window once more, then back down on his reddened face, a tear forming from the corner of his eye. My hot cocksucking dad.

I blasted. Thankfully I let up my grip when I did, and Scott pulled off for a quick gasp of air as I painted my belly with come. Until his mouth took me in to suck the rest. When I was done Scott pulled off and started licking the sperm from my abdomen. Sucking it all up.

I could tell he was hard in his suit when he pulled back. "Merry Christmas, stud."

"Maybe I can return the favor." Like I said, I rarely offered to blow Scott these days. But I didn't like how his wife sometimes cut him off, and this was the holidays...

I knew I'd said the right thing. "Yeah?" He stood up and reached down to unzip. "I know you're into being the top... but it's been so long since I've had a good blow job buddy. And you were the one to give it to me."

His spike popped out, leaking and ready. I wheeled the chair in and started licking him. I knew it wouldn't take long to suck him off. I decided to enjoy this, feeling that spike fill my mouth and the soft gentle in and out motions as I bobbed on him.

"Getting there, man," he warned, spreading his legs. Then I felt that dick jerk in my mouth and flood my craw with his daddy seed. I suckled a little as I swallowed then pulled off.

"I don't do that for you enough," I muttered. Torn between my fantasy of dad-fucking sex and the reality of being grateful for Scott Delahunt and what he meant to me.

Scott nodded as he tucked back in. "You do prefer to be serviced," he observed.

"Pretty much," I blushed.

He looked at me thoughtfully then leaned down for a soft kiss. He patted my shoulder as he leaned back up. "I love making you happy, Austin. You know that. But maybe, you think, on occasion, we can find a way for that?"

"Yeah," I conceded. "You must think I'm an asshole."

He reached in his coat pocket. "Here's how much of an asshole I consider you," he smirked. "A little early Christmas present."

"I think I know what it is," I said as I opened the card. There were two Titans tickets and a gift card for TopGolf.

"I know you're not a regular golfer, but I figured it would be fun if you wanted to go some time. You know, when the weather's warm."

"That'd be awesome," I said. I then looked at the inscription of the card.

"Merry Christmas, Austin.... Thank you for making me a new man. Love, Scott."

I bit my lip then looked up at the man, who was looking at me with such openness. "You like making me emotional, don't ya?" I laughed.

"It's a good look on you," he smiled.

"Well, I have some gifts for you, too," I said. "You can read the card later, if you like."

Scott rooted in the bag and pulled out the card. "I can't read it now?"

"You can," I said. "But it's corny."

"I like corny," he winked and undid the envelope flap. It was another one of my heartfelt letters inside. Talking about how I never got along with my dad, but I considered Scott to be the kind of dad I wished I'd had.

He looked up at me. "Oh, buddy."

"Too much?" I asked.

"Not at all," he said. "I'm honored. Truly."

I blushed. I wasn't used to being this vulnerable with another guy. "Just a warning: the gifts are kinda 'dad' gifts."

Scott laughed and pulled out the small box, the golf balls. "Nice," he said. Then looking up at me. "You ever think about playing? For real?"

"I'd need a hell of a lot of practice," I said. "Or maybe lessons."

"That could be arranged," he smiled. He looked me up and down. "You got the strength and athletic ability to do real well."

I thanked him then nodded to the bigger box. "Open the other one."

He seemed genuinely wowed by the golf top. "It's perfect, man," he said. Then leaned forward for a kiss. "Listen, I got about an hour and a half before I gotta be back. What do you think of grabbing some lunch somewhere?"

It wasn't fancy or anything. Just a regular burger lunch spot. But in my eyes Scott and I had our Christmas meal together there. It would become our tradition, actually.

[SCOTT]

"Come on, it'll be fun," I said to my daughter. "We've done Europe three summers in a row."

"Your father has gotten on one of his mid-life kicks," Kelly explained.

"We both have," I reminded her. I wasn't the one who'd signed up for baking classes.

Shannon giggled. As much as I sometimes griped to Austin about my spoiled daughter, it was still always great to see her. She was young and happy and her happiness was infectious. "I just can't believe you've been using Austin as your trainer."

Kelly sidled up to the kitchen island with a wine glass in hand. She liked to let loose over the holidays. "I think Austin has some extra business because of him," he put her arms around my shoulder. "My girlfriends all have pestered their husbands to go to him."

I blushed. Maybe I was a grade-A heel for acting like everything was normal. Like I wasn't having sex with Austin a couple of times a week. But I'd been open about developing a close friendship with my trainer. It was kind of in an "I always did like that kid" kind of tone.

But this was more. I had told Kelly and Shannon my dream of hiking Glacier National Park and was upfront this was something Austin was helping me train for. We'd be doing spring hikes in Tennessee and aim for a July trip out west. Austin and I would do the hike and then we'd meet in some resort.

"Linda Price says Jackson Hole is overrated," Kelly chimed in. "She says the smaller resorts are the real deal and much nicer."

"Can I bring Bryan?" Shannon asked. Her boyfriend of the moment.

"Of course," I said. "And some friends if you like." Maybe I figured that this would help sell the trip. But also, I knew it would be awkward to seem like I saw making Shannon's ex the only other person there.

"How come you didn't ask me to do the hike, Dad?" Shannon teased. She could get in her "girl boss" mode sometimes.

I shrugged. "You strike me as more the glamping type."

She laughed. "Maybe. Yeah."

[AUSTIN]

I really worked Scott hard that Tuesday.

"You should have pity on an old man," he teased as we walked out to our cars. It was February and plenty dark out at 8.

"I know what I'm doing," I asserted. "I specialize in training older guys, remember."

"I remember," he said. Then, quietly, Scott asked. "Have there been others? Besides me?"

He didn't spell it out but I knew what he meant. "You serious?" I asked.

"That’s not a no," he said.

"No one else," I assured him. "Yeah, sure, sometimes it's fun to look but you're the one exception to my business-only rule."

He liked that answer. I liked that he liked it. "Hell of an exception, buddy.'

I laughed. "Got time to come back to my place?" Sometimes he didn't but this was as close to routine as we'd get.

"You bet."

He was surprised when he walked in. I had a massage table set up in my living room.

"What's this?" he laughed. "Starting a side business?"

I'm not licensed," I explained. "But we did sports massage some in Kinesiology at UT."

He looked at me. "For me?"

I grinned. "I can't afford a fancy gift, but you have a birthday this week." I pointed to the table. "Come on, strip down and I'll help you relax."

He grinned and started taking off his workout sweats. I enjoyed seeing him hard. But I urged him to lie face down first.

I took my time. I applied massage oil to his daddy muscle and slowly worked it in. Like a lot of exec types, Scott was tense as hell, and our workout hadn't helped. But he moaned and shut his eyes softly as I worked him.

I did what I knew how, but there was a lot of improvising. And some more sensual, sexual stimulation, up the insides of his thighs, and along his ass.

“Turn over,” I instructed. There was his rigid spike again, leaking on his belly. But I didn't touch it. I started with his temples, then down his neck and shoulders. I could sense the tension leave him, even if I wasn't an expert.

Or else the tension was going straight to his prick. I went to the other end. I started with the calves and worked up the legs, one then the other. Finally I grabbed hold of his hardon with my oiled hand and pumped.

I didn't have any special technique here, either, but I was mimicking a tug motion, like milking a cow's udder. Scott was so worked up. He opened his eyes. Hungrily feasting on my shirtless body.

"Austin!" he hissed. And like that sperm flew out, over my first and up onto his chest.

His body tensed in aftershocks, then he reached out to touch my own tented crotch. "Let me do you," he urged. I'd been ready to make this a special Scott day. But I wasn't gonna turn down a blow job. I pulled my sweats down and let my hard cock just toward his face.

Scott twisted his position and took me into his mouth. He'd gotten so good at this. Rapidly he worked his head and up and down while I took in the vision of his naked body. Older, beautiful, just having had its own release.

I pulled out. My prick spurted on Scott's tongue which got him to open wide for the rest of my load. Some of it hit his chin and dribbled down but the man caught most of it before circling his lips back on me to suck it all down.

"You've never done that," he remarked when he finally sat up.

"Yeah, I wanted to see the cum," I explained.

"Was hot," he said as he leaned in for a kiss.

I let him shower the oil off. "I'm gonna sleep well," he said as he came in fully dressed again. Ready to head back home.

"I'm glad. Happy early birthday, Scott."

"I won't be able to spend any time with you this weekend," he explained.

"I get it," I assured him. "For real."

He gave me a nod. I could see some conflicted emotions but stoically he walked out of my pace and into the February cold.

[SCOTT]

Two years ago I would have hated a place like this. But it was a warm March day and I was hanging out with Austin at TopGolf. It was a blast. He had a competitive streak and though I was a better hitter, he had some power in his drives. He got into keeping tally of our scores.

"Good thing it's not a putt putt challenge," he said. "My Dad would always take us when we were in Gatlinburg. I got pretty good."

"How long ago was that?" I asked as I sipped my beer.

"A while," he admitted. "But a few of my buddies and I would actually go play when we were in college. We'd get hammered then make bets on who'd get the best score."

I laughed. "Sounds like a country club," I deadpanned. "Only the drinks would cost more."

"How's the trip planning going?" Austin asked after his turn. He was responsible for the hike planning for Montana, but I was arranging flights, hotels, transportation, park reservations, the rest of it.

"All booked," I said. "You're gonna have to put up with Shannon and her friends."

"It'll be fine," Austin grinned. "I'm a charming guy." He was a little tipsy, I could tell. "Just tell me we're gonna have some alone time, Mr. D."

I smiled. "A week backpacking's not enough alone time?"

"I mean after," he said. "I'm greedy that way."

"We gotta be careful," I cautioned him. "But you have a way of getting me to do things for you, Mr. White."

[AUSTIN]

"How you doing?" I asked as we entered a steeper stretch. I had tried to give myself more of the weight, but Scott insisted on carrying an equal load in our packs.

"Doing good," he said, a little out of breath and very much breaking a sweat, but not making a show of it. "I have a personal trainer who's whipped me into shape."

I laughed. "The gym's different from the trail," I reminded him.

Scott was never short with me, but he was getting short now. "I told you I wanted a challenge, buddy, and I meant it. I'm good."

I was used to type-A corporate types in my job, and it was times like this that I remembered Scott Delahunt was one of them.

The first day was the longest and hardest, and when we got to our first spot to set up, Scott was quiet, almost moody. "Can we rest for a sec?" he asked as we plopped down on a rock. He looked out over the landscape. Parts of the Smokies weren't dramatic. This was dramatic. But contemplation of the scenery was the last thing on Scott's mind. "Glad we beat the thunderstorm," he said as he pulled out his water bottle and took a good swig.

I let him be frustrated. I'd gotten real good at reading Scott's moods. I took a good swig of water myself and enjoyed just being up in the mountains again. Then I got up and gently squeezed Scott's shoulder and walked over to unpack the tent.

He was actually really efficient at helping put it up. "You learn those knots in Scouts?" I asked.

"Probably," he smiled. I was glad to see his humor return. "But I forgot them. I studied up before coming."

I fixed the last of the tiers to the poles. "Looks like that thunderstorm is coming," I said as I looked up to the sky, feeling the breeze pick up just as the clouds were really darkening.

We got the bags inside the tent. I had the foresight to take a tarp and stretch it over some exposed rock dirt and secure it with rocks. We'd want somewhere dry to cook and eat.

The drops came, a few of them, then a lot. I got in the tent first, and Scott ducked in a second after.

"Welcome to the Smokies," I said.

"Love it," came his reply. We plopped down on the tent floor. Scott unfurled his sleeping bag as I did mine.

"I hope we're only using one of these bags," I teased.

Scott looked over, a playful look in his eyes. "Tight fit," he said. Already he was untucking his shirt. "But maybe we can test it out."

I was matching his moves. "I'm a little sweaty," I said.

"So am I," Scott replied. "The hike leader is a real slavedriver."

He managed to get naked first and I saw that beautiful dad spike sticking out of his crotch. I loved every hardon Scott threw for me, with me and around me.

We scooted toward one another. The tent wasn't that big anyway. "We can take our time, right?" I asked.

The rain was coming down. It felt magical. The right time with the right man. The two of us alone in nature.

We kissed and humped against one another. His body was warm and clammy. He gripped my own sweaty muscle. It felt like how men should have sex.

Apparently that's what Scott thought. He pulled back and ran his hands along my arm muscle, from my forearm to my biceps and triceps and then back. "It's nice being with a man," he said, thoughtfully. "Sometimes, I still can't believe it."

I looked into his face. Just that older, dad-like handsomeness was enough to make me and keep me rock hard. The lines around his eyes, and the salt and pepper hair, now grayer than when I first met him. "I've always been too scared to ask you, but you ever get weirded out by it?"

That caught him by surprise. "Why are you afraid to ask?" he hissed then kissed along my chin. I liked this private version of Scott a lot. Sensual as much as sexual.

"I dunno," I said. "Maybe a part of me is always afraid you'll go back to being straight."

He looked at me, taking in my words. "It's not about words for me, Austin. I can't explain."

"You don't have to," I said. "Some things can be put into words anyway."

He nodded. "Maybe. Still, I don't want you afraid to ask me anything. Ever."

"OK," I said. I rolled over on top of him. Just this position got me going. I held my body up above him and felt his hands explore my lats and sides as we looked into each other's eyes. "Do you love me, Scott?"

He didn't hesitate. "I do." I could feel his heart pump through the connection of our dicks. "I don't want to lead you on, Austin. Maybe I can't give you what you need. But I love you."

I smiled. "You give me plenty, sir."

"Sir?" he laughed.

I blushed. But gently thrust my cock against his. "My parents taught me to respect my elders." Kind of teasing, but also suggesting to Scott what was on my mind.

I could see the wheels turning in his head. "I've been afraid to ask you things, too."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Are you looking for a daddy?"

I raised my eyebrow. "You've been studying up on the gays," I teased.

"I gotta keep up with you somehow, Austin," he said sincerely. "But you didn't answer my question."

"I have a daddy already," I said directly, getting the courage to look him in the eye as I described my fantasy, my kink. "I guess I'm looking for a dad."

His fingers now lazily traced circles along my flank. "Sorry. You're gonna have to explain."

I scooted off him, taking the chance to run my hand along his chest and furry abs. He'd slimmed down a lot over the last month, and I could see knotted ridges of his abs now. "A daddy is any older guy I'm with. But a dad.... well, I get turned on by the incest fantasy."

I examined his face for a hostile reaction. Or a positive one. Instead I saw pure curiosity as Scott reached over and wrapped his hand around my cock. "You're rock hard just talking about it."

I nodded. "We don't have to explore this," I assured him. "But I think about it when we have sex. A lot."

"You think of your father instead of me?" I could tell he was a little hurt by that idea.

"Fuck no," I interjected. "I dream of you being my dad. And being with you that way... Sorry if that freaks you out."

He shook his head and removed his hand from my dick. "Doesn't freak me out. It's a new idea to me. A little weird. But I like seeing you turned on." He turned over and I got an amazing view of his backside as Scott rifled through his backpack. I'll just say his back and leg workouts were paying real dividends.

When he turned back he had some lubricant in his hand. "It's been too long," he said. "You wanna?"

I nodded. There would be no rim job this time nor any extended foreplay, but it turns out we were both worked up. The thunderstorm had passed, but the rain still pattered on our tent. Scott scooted in place beneath me and let me place his legs on my shoulders. I decided I like this position, a lot. The ability to see Scott's handsome face as I penetrated him.

"I'm not ready for the 'dad' talk," he said. "But if you wanna think it..." he urged.

Just that permission felt wild. I pumped Scott slow and deep. And he became Dad as I fucked. My hunky, wonderful Dad who let his son have his way far too often. Like now. Scott's eyes looked up at me, knew what I was thinking, his hands urging me to enjoy this fuck.

He was enjoying it, too, his own fist working his spike slowly with each steady pump of my cock inside him. His body enjoying that connection between his p-spot and his dick.

I had an idea though. I nudged his hand aside with my own. Grabbing his cock like a handle, I took over stroking him. Focusing a little less on my own immediate need, though after so long Scott's ass felt amazing on my bare cock.

"You like this?" I asked. Eyes on his as I fucked.

He nodded excitedly, amazed at feeling a different hand than his as we mated. "God yes."

"Keep your hands to the side, OK?" I asked and more than a little commanded. "I wanna get you off."

His eyes were pure excitement as he let his body take over. I was getting real close to nutting myself but I wanted to see if this would work first. I knew Scott loved seeing me get my pleasure and the telltale look on my face was tripping his triggers.

"Keep your hands off!" I urged, louder now.

Scott nodded eagerly, already on the climb toward orgasm.

Just at that moment I let go and put all the power into my thrusts. By instinct Scott's hand went up but I intercepted. And like that, I was watching Scott Delahunt have his first hands-free orgasm. That spike spurting high globs of semen onto his furry front as his body jerked and his deep voice cried out.

"Yes," I hissed and like that I was shooting my wad deep into the man.

The man fell back onto the sleeping bag, head limp as he caught his breath. I slowly pulled out and let his legs come down from my shoulders.

"That was SO hot, Scott," I said as I leaned down to kiss him, his spermy body connecting with my sweaty muscle.

"I'm glad," Scott muttered as he pulled my hard body to his. "I still can't think," he laughed. "You fucked it all out of me."

[of-another-broken-heart]

I keep telling myself "you should get around to writing a summary, for yourself." Which means a big long post on here.

"The planner notes are great but no one can read those, your isolation is worsening, and it's not all because of the convenience of abandonment for others."

It's been over a year since I broke my knee, and also wrecked my ankle. Neither are healed, still. They are doing better. Sure. I still can't cross my legs. I can't kneel, or crawl, or do yoga. My balance and muscle strength are still barely half of what they were. Turns out unstable bones kinda fucks ALL of that up, who knew? (Plenty of people)

I'm never not mourning those aspects of my body that I actually loved, being torn away. I didn't get blessed with good looks. My metabolism was shit to begin with and then it got worse with diet culture damage and then stress and poverty. At least I was strong. At least I was flexible. I loved that. But I'm not allowed to love anything about myself. If I do, those things have to be destroyed. I loved pilates. I enjoyed yoga. I miss being able to go to a gym and do strength training with equipment I would never in my life have access to otherwise. All ripped away, body further damaged.

I don't think I'll ever drive again, either. My car is going to be a rusted-out husk before we can afford to pay someone to simply swap the fucking starter out. The starter I had to beg people to help me buy. To say nothing of the battery I was coerced into buying, too, with money that was meant for internet bills. Which is similarly sitting, rotting, wasted. I miss being able to at least go. Go. Have any independence at all. Go to the library. Go to the food pantry. Go to doctor appointments. Even when the main reason I stopped driving became my fatigue, at least I knew, in a pinch, in an emergency, I could GO.

I don't get to go anywhere, now. Still trapped in a basement most of the time. Even if I didn't have a broken body, even if my car ran, I don't have money to afford gas. I can't even trust the people I live not to infect me with a virus that will kill me. Masks are inconvenient. Caring is inconvenient. Can't I just be healthier already? Can't I just get drunk on the urgency of normal cocktails like everyone else? Over 2000 people dying each week, in the US alone, explicitly from this virus. But the Genocide in Chief said the pandemic is over! No, he ended the emergency, to save money and churn your body into corporate profits; and the propaganda machine was printing sweet, delicious advertisements for your mythical normal, and you are hungry, and selfish.

I got a call to remind me to schedule my annual physical exam. Free! With my insurance! Of course, the offices all come with a mandatory infection. And I can't get to them, even if there was one running clean air practices and universal masking.

I'm really fucking burnt out, subsisting on crumbs, and perpetually being let down by expecting even the most fucking BASIC acts of solidarity or community from people. "You are loved" feels as much a lie as "COVID is over." Which makes sense, considering I hear both from the same mouths.

I am participating in an autism survey this year. I finished the first two parts of it, and got paid. In Amazon gift cards. There's an irony there, I think, probably. I knew it would be gift cards going in, but I was honestly hoping for prepaid VISA ones. So I could give them to my mom, to toss in a tiny bit of help with the bills. On the plus side, if I live long enough, that means I can afford to get myself Dawntrail. Which is basically the only thing I have to look forward to. "Anything that keeps you from killing yourself is good." Right?

[11lights]

August 20th, 2023

0133L

Temp 79° Thunderstorms

Saddlebunch Keys, FL

Okay, I want to preface this by saying that I have had a little bit to drink. And also I may or may not have forgotten to enter anything yesterday. That's mainly because I kept procrastinating and saying I would do it later and later and later. And here we are 1:30 the next day and yesterday's was never completed. Which means I didn't get to document seeing my mother and father's best friends from 1995 visit in Key West, and their child. That was pretty cool. They remembered the piece of advice that I gave to them when their son was just a baby about how they should never try to force their son to be what they want. They should just let their son grow into who he will be. Referencing. How my father always tried to make me the tough guy and to be stronger and to be aggressive and to stick up for myself how he wanted it but I could never be like that because that wasn't me. Super cool that they remembered that. It was nice to update them on how my life is, I feel like I made my parents proud to be doing well and being able to tell their best friends from a long time ago that their child is growing up and doing well. We went back to his sister's house and his sister's husband had a flight simulator that I got to try out. So I got to practice taking off and landing and surprise surprise landing even in a flight. Sim is still very fucking difficult for me! We got to talking about life and careers and flying and all that jazz and then today being Saturday. I guess, I met with them at the coffee shop before they left and took some pictures and then they left and I hope they come back because we can go fishing and they've always been loving and caring people for me. What else happened? Friday was pretty boring. I literally just worked and went straight to going to hang out with them and then I was there till one in the morning. Came home and immediately slept. Today was fairly boring as well. I woke up at about 8:00 late in bed till like 11:00 playing Monopoly and exercising. My addiction to adult content online. Got a fresh cut at like two. Pestered Danny to play. Call of duty but he had a date with his wife so that didn't work. Actually just messaged him a few minutes ago and I'm getting no response so it's safe to say we're not going to be able to have our schedule Call of duty session today, which kind of sucks because that was kind of the highlight of my week. I'd say it's mainly my fault since I had to do this housewarming thing. Hopefully tomorrow will be able to hop on the sticks. After my haircut a showered and then I ended up going to the housewarming party for one of my buddies. My gym bae was there which was terrifying at first. But then felt very, very natural. I got a certain point. I kind of forgot who she was or how much I actually cared who she was and I paid more attention to my friends in the experience than being completely infatuated over her. It was cool. Then my cousin got to see her and he actually doesn't approve of her. Mainly because she's young and she's not ready for the type of growth in life that I'm looking for. And also he doesn't like her face. I think she's absolutely beautiful and gorgeous but that's just me. She is young though, and it does seem like she just wants fun right now, I don't know if that would be for me. I'm trying to grow. But it was cool to hang out with everyone, we started out with this like dirty sex game where you tell sex secrets to each other which was weird to do with a few co-workers and random people. But it ended up being really fun. I had some really good conversation with one of my co-workers Xavier . The food there smelled absolutely amazing. 00 which made life super difficult since I was fasting. Still, I even had someone hold a chip with the sauce on it to my nose. Trying to get me to give in and I couldn't. Couldn't. I want to get over this fast more than I want to eat. Delicious food. On the way home, Gabriel lowered the sunroof during the thunderstorm so we just got rained on the whole way on the highway. What a surreal experience!

[0thsense]

8/8/2023

It's my birthday tomorrow. Everybody has left the south bay now. Martin, Reggie, Alex are all gone. I guess Steve is still here but he doesn't really hang out with us, or rather me anymore. I don't really know what to type here, as I haven't been thinking too intensely about too many things. The times when I'm doing worse are the times I'm more intensely in thought, so I guess I fail at thinking positively.

Anyways, I'll be 28 American years old tomorrow. My 27th year was better than my 26th year I guess. Definitely still in my bottom 5 years overall but hey its the first upward year in a long time. Maybe since college. I've managed to keep up gym and I've even started running which is slightly surprising. It's good because who knows what may have happened if I wasn't able to keep up gym. I'm planning to run my first 5 miler tomorrow. I have to wake up in the morning because I'll be eating with my family in the evening up in SF, mostly out of a feeling of obligation. I wonder if they know. I'm letting the fact that I'm not being lazy on my birthday feel symbolic.

One thing I've been telling myself is that I'm god's strongest soldier. Obviously that's not actually true, but motivationally it helps. It's one of those things that there's no harm in believing in the moment, and it brings me joy. Speaking of another thing that brings me joy, Lily and I agreed to go climbing sometime soon. She's willing to come down from SF for me, and seems genuinely interested in hanging out with me. I need to keep my mindset that I'm just trying to be there for her, though it seems I overestimated how depressed she was. Well, better safe than sorry.

I visited Yan a couple weeks ago along with Gerald. It was a spur of the moment thing, and the flight was expensive as a result. I honestly felt a little pressured into going. We did a lot of activities involving physical exertion and also hung out with his church buddies a lot. Yan is super into the culture there it seems. His lifestyle as a chad in NC honestly bothered me a little bit. He has more pride and ego than I remember and also some strong ideals about what it means to be a man, which I don't really agree with. I may be making judgments too hastily but I was disappointed at his treatment of Jeremy, a dude in his small group who seemed a little autistic. I wasn't able to express this to him. At the same time I'm glad he's obviously doing well for himself out there. According to society, I probably have no authority to judge someone who's found a lifestyle that works for them.

My next step should almost certainly be to make my sleep schedule really consistent. I'd like to sleep at 1-2am every day. The deadline for working on the game is fast approaching. I have less than 4 months left, and I've told too many people about the new york deadline. Sigh... I certainly have some mental block about coding. When I open the IDE my mood instantly sinks. I had the strange idea of treating coding like working out, doing reps of opening the IDE lmao.

Wow I thought this post would be short because I didn't feel like I had much to write about but here we are. I went to Ralph's wedding last weekend. It made me realize I've made a mistake, choosing the jolly group over Ralph's group. I just respect Ralph's close circle so much more these days than the people in jolly. They are more considerate and more secure, and jolly isn't even dank anymore. At the end of the day jolly has now devolved into a bunch of individuals who are either troubled or successful but unkind people. Obviously this is a bit of a generalization. Maybe I wasn't good enough to join Ralph's group anyways, or maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. I might as well try though, since jolly in the south bay is pretty much dead.

Finally there's the issue of getting more involved with Austin's church. Unfortunately my experiences visiting Yan have turned me off even more from Christianity, but I really haven't given Austin's church a fair chance. The demographics are obviously very different so maybe it'll be a better fit, though so far my instinct tells me it's only a small chance. It'll give me something to do I guess.

[raibebe]

Love Is On Air

Genre: fluff & smut Words: 8.722 Prompt: radio host Johnny x secret admirer female reader Warnings: soft dom Johnny, oral (f receiving), safe sex, dirty talk

A/N: Finally: My entry for the February event of my lovely network @neosmutcollective​. This is totally not the fic I planned on writing. In fact this was started way later after I realized I was never going to finish my original fic on time. Not that this one is on time... Special thanks to everyone who sent our lovely DJs some music recommendations @sly-merlin​, @moonctzeny​, @lenaluvs​, @lucas-wongs​, @burtonized​ and to @ncteaxhoe​ who helped me figure out this idea. I hope you enjoy this even though it’s wayyy too late.

You hurried home to your apartment after your last class of the day that was horrifically late because of whoever had fucked up your schedule this semester. Panting heavily, you busted into your room and threw your jacket and backpack somewhere onto your couch, diving straight for your laptop that was perched on your desk. Cursing the old thing, you waited for agonizing minutes until it had booted up and your browser was open. You quickly opened the familiar page of your university’s campus radio just in time to hear the familiar voice saying: “Hi I’m John-D, welcome to NCT Night Night.” After that both hosts chuckled lowly before Jaehyun spoke: “Tonight we’ll read some of the letters you wrote us over the week again and we will try our best to help you out with whatever problems you throw our way.” “Exactly. Right after we play this song that was suggested by evangelie_99 over on our Twitter, it’s Pluto Projector by Rex Orange County and she said that she loves our show. We’re glad you like it so much, darling. This one is for you,” Johnny softly said before the soft tunes of the song filled your little one-room apartment.

Sighing, you leaned back in your chair, carelessly toeing your shoes off. Listening to NCT Night Night was your escape at night from the stress that classes brought you. The two DJs that were on air every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday were your favorites though. Not only did they have great chemistry but they both could be incredibly funny as well as soothe all your nerves with their calming voices – especially Johnny or John-D as he was called on their show. You might have developed a slightly embarrassing crush on the fratboy with a heart as sweet as his voice from what you knew about him from his radio shows and your shared classes. Since they had started their weekly segment where they would read out letters that students could send them, you had gathered the courage to send Johnny little messages about how you were crushing on him and it had quickly become a running gag on the show. Jaehyun would tease Johnny about it every week while Johnny kept insisting that his secret admirer should just talk to him. But how could you do that? Johnny was everything one could want in a boyfriend. Not only was he ridiculously tall and devastatingly handsome but he was also smart, always seemingly staying on top of his classes and he also went to the gym regularly if his thirst traps on his Instagram stories were anything to go by. When he wasn’t giving out advice in a gentle voice on their radio program, he was out partying with his frat brothers on the weekends more often than not complaining about headaches on their Sunday show. How could you just walk up to him and talk to him? Right. You couldn’t. So you had to resign to sending him anonymous love letters through his radio show.

“Welcome back, hi,” Johnny chuckled once the song had gently faded out and you couldn’t help but giggle along. “That was Pluto Projector by Rex Orange County,” Jaehyun tried to stay on script but you could almost hear the grin on his face because of Johnny’s antics, “If you want your song to play on today’s show, please suggest something over on our Twitter with the hashtag,” Jaehyun paused momentarily and let out a dramatic sigh before continuing, “hashtag JohnDplaymelikeaviolin.” Jaehyun hadn’t even read the whole hashtag out loud when Johnny was already bursting out in laughter and how could you not laugh along with his melodic laughter. “I swear to god I am never letting you choose hashtags for our show ever again,” Jaehyun groaned while Johnny sounded like he was still dying in the background. “Don’t be mean to me Jaehyunie,” he whined and even though today’s episode was not viewable, you could vividly imagine how he was pouting. While the two friends were busy bickering and talking about what they had done since their last show, you pulled up your own Twitter to send a recommendation in.

“Aaaah, I see we’re already getting plenty of suggestions. Sly-merlin suggested us Sexy Dirty Love by Demi Lovato – a great song – and added ‘I wish John-D would actually play me like a violin.” After a potent silence, Johnny broke out in laughter again. “And this is why you won’t choose any more hashtags,” Jaehyun groaned again. “Baby,” Johnny rasped into his mic and even though you weren’t wearing headphones, it sent tingles down your spine, “Just come to our frat party on Friday and I’ll see what I can do.” “Stop plugging our parties on the radio,” Jaehyun scolded the elder, the slap audible over the radio, “Also sly-merlin has to stand in line. You still have your number one admirer who has sent in a letter yet again.” “She still hasn’t come up to me,” Johnny shared, “I can only keep up my chastity for so long. I am saving myself for this girl.” You know he was joking but you were just a simple woman and even in your secluded home, you felt heat rising to your cheeks, your thumbs stopping on your keyboard where you had typed out your song recommendation. Both DJs shared a quiet laugh before Jaehyun asked: “And you really don’t know who she is?” “I really don’t man,” his friend sighed, “Like I have my suspicions because she has to be in my major if she sees me in class that often. That or she’s a stalker which I do not want to think about. But for real, hit me up. I’ll take you out for a coffee.” “Now everyone is going to come up to you and claim that they’re her.” “I’ll take that risk,” Johnny laughed, “Maybe I’ll finally meet the love of my life and settle down.” At that Jaehyun snorted loudly. “The woman that can make you settle down gets free coffee for like a month from me.” “Watch me have a wife and kids at 25 Jae, just to spite you,” his friend snorted, “But up until then, let’s play sly-merlin’s song recommendation: Sexy Dirty Love by Demi Lovato.”

While the song was playing, you finished up your own tweet and hit post before you grabbed your bag that you had carelessly thrown away before to get out your notes. You actually had to start a project for one of the classes you and Johnny actually did share. The professor had announced that he would announce the pairings for a group project tomorrow and you didn’t want to seem like an actual idiot if your group would decide to already meet up and discuss after class. So while you listened to your favorite DJs discuss the questions and worries of whoever had sent them to their email address, you worked through the notes you had taken over the last couple of weeks, trying your best to organize them to remember the key points.

“Oh John-D, I have a very special letter here,” Jaehyun said, waving the paper in front of the microphone so it would pick up the wiggling noises. “What could that be?” Johnny asked with over-exaggerated interest. “It’s from your secret admirer, John-D. So I think you should read it out.” Just like every time, they read your letter, your heart began beating faster and faster in your chest until you were sure, it would break free from your ribcage. “Okay, here I go,” Johnny announced while Jaehyun was playing the same cheesy music he always played when they were reading your letters, “Happy Thursday, John-D. The weekend is almost in reach, keep up the energy for the last day of classes! – she’s so sweet, I’m holding up alright – One of my professors will announce the pairings he made for a group project soon and I am nervous. I don’t have many friends in the course and I’m praying that I will get good group mates I can work well with.” “Oooh, I get that struggle,” Jaehyun interrupted, “I once had to work with a bunch of stoners and ended up doing all the work for a presentation that made up 30 percent of my grade. Worst experience of my life, would not recommend. But we’re wishing you all the luck.” “But you know what’s more interesting about this story?” Johnny tuned in, “Coincidentally my professor for my literature class is assigning our group projects tomorrow as well. Say, my sweet admirer, are you perhaps in the same literature class as me?” In your otherwise silent room, the panicked squeak you let out was loud even to your ears. There was no way Johnny could figure out who you were, there were probably at least 20 more girls with a crush on him in that class alone, so you were safe. “Oooh, so maybe she’s a lit major so that’s why she’s writing love letters.” “Could be but lots of people from different majors are taking that class,” Johnny argued, “Anyways, back to her letter. But I won’t let that disturb me! I will be doing my best regardless! – That’s the spirit – I’ll work through my notes as I listen to your honey voice so I can be prepared. I’m glad you don’t do viewable radios on Thursday’s or else I wouldn’t be able to get anything done, you’re just too distracting John-D,” at that Jaehyun let out a fake gag while Johnny just giggled softly, “Thank you secret admirer, I do clean up quite nicely if I do say so myself. – On last Sunday’s episode you melted my heart when you hid in your hoodie for half the show. – God that was the worst hangover I had in a looong while, I was so miserable.”

“You should have seen him at home,” Jaehyun laughed, “I had to physically drag his whole 180-something-centimeters body first into the shower, then into the car and into the station. He is the biggest crybaby when he’s hungover.” “Don’t expose me like that, Jaehyunie,” Johnny whined loudly, “I was dared to drink a bunch of tequila and my mother didn’t raise neither a quitter nor a coward.” “No, but clearly an idiot,” the younger DJ laughed his deep laugh. “Let me read my love letter in peace,” the other grumbled, “I couldn’t follow for half the show because I was so focused on watching you. Not in a creepy way of course! – Of course not,” Johnny chuckled, “I hope you finished that essay you had to work on after the show in time and still had some time to relax. – I did, don’t worry.” That you already knew when Johnny had handed in his essay in another class you two shared just before you had handed in yours and he had thrown you a little smile that had kept you going through the whole day. “Take care of yourself and keep smiling your beautiful smile, I look forward to seeing you again on Sunday or in classes. And fighting to Jae-D as well of course! – I look forward to hearing from you again, secret admirer. I bet your group project will go just fine, don’t worry too much. If anyone is mean to you, just expose them here and we’ll fight them for you.” “Love that she acknowledged me in one sentence as well,” Jaehyun grumbled, cutting off the cheesy music abruptly. “You’re just jealous you don’t have a sweet admirer who sends you cute messages,” the other teased his friend. “Yeah, yeah, shut up and put that letter in the box under your bed.” “It’s in my sock drawer, thank you very much.”

Giggling, you listened to the two friends bicker, your chest warm with a feeling you were scared to put a name on. “Anyways, I think it’s time for another music recommendation you can still send in via our lovely hashtag JohnDplaymelikeaviolin. This one is from lenaluvies and she says: Please play Hurts So Good by Astrid S thank you. No, thank you for sending something in darling. This one’s for you,” Johnny announced and you couldn’t help but laugh a little pained laugh. That song title hit a little too close to home for your liking. The rest of the radio show went by smoothly and Johnny and Jaehyun tried to help a handful of more students with their problems that couldn’t be more diverse. From a boy who had fallen in love with his best friend which had send him into an identity crisis over to a girl who was failing her classes because she claimed the professor hated her to a freshman who wanted to apply for a fraternity but was scared because of the rumors surrounding them which the DJs quickly debunked since they both were in the same fraternity. In the end they had to cut themselves short, asking their viewers to vote on a poll they would make if people wanted a whole Tuesday episode surrounding fraternities.

“So.” “So,” Johnny copied his friend. “We’re almost at the end of our time with you guys. We couldn’t get through all of your submissions but we hope our team picked a few good ones and at least some of you could get some advice.” “As always you’re free to send us your own stories to our e-mail JohnJaeNNN@NCTU.com to get some advice next Thursday from your favorite DJs: John-D.” “And Jae-D. Every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday on your campus radio on 127mHz. On NCT-“ “Night Night,” they said their ending together and just like every night with them, you said goodnight to your computer screen, closing the tab which draped your little apartment in silence. Sighing loudly, you looked over your notes that needed a little more work if you wanted to make a good first impression on your fellow students tomorrow. Because you couldn’t stand the silence, you opened your Spotify to play the NCT Night Night playlist Johnny and Jaehyun had made with the songs that had been recommended to them, still missing the new additions from tonight.

The next morning found you in your literature class, sitting two rows behind Johnny, staring at the back of his head while doodling on your paper rather than taking notes on whatever the professor was saying. If you were to let your eyes wander, you’d see that almost everyone in the big room was paying as much or even less attention as you were; the students in different states of excitement and anxiety over the group projects he had yet to announce. “I’m sorry professor,” Johnny’s voice suddenly cut through the room, “I’m sure you have already noticed that no one is paying attention to whatever you’re trying to teach us right now. Could you please just announce the groups for the project?” That moment you swore you would be able to hear a pin drop until your eccentric professor chuckled lowly. “I like you, Suh. I was waiting for someone to mention it,” he spoke, getting the dreaded list out of his bag, “Listen closely now, you’ll be assigned in groups of four and each group will get a specific novel to work on. Deadline will be by the end of the semester and your individual paper combined with the group presentation will make up 40% of your final grade.” That made a bunch of people, including you, gasp out loudly. A group project with this much credit to your final grade was always dreaded. “I don’t want to hear any complaints, that’s how it’s always been. Now listen carefully, I won’t repeat myself but the list will be hung on our blackboard as well.” With that being said, the professor began listing names and novels in the most monotone voice he could muster. To say you were basically vibrating off of your seat was an understatement when he got further and further down the list and neither yours nor Johnny’s name had been called yet. “And lastly, an all-time favorite: Romeo and Juliet.” You didn’t even register anything else after the professor had announced that the group featured both Johnny and you along with two other students you didn’t know. Your brain was reduced to static noise while everyone else was getting up around you to pick up the books that had already been stacked in a corner, probably by a poor TA. Only when a person bumped into you, you broke from your stupor to quickly pick up your stuff as well to hurry down to steps to where a crowd of students had already gathered.

Luckily Johnny towered over most of the other students and you could easily spot him and the rest of your group that were two other boys you didn’t recognize. “Hey, you’re the last one we were missing,” Johnny smiled and handed you over your copy of the book. “Y... Yeah, sorry for making you wait,” you stuttered, clutching the small book tightly in your hands. “No big deal,” Johnny played it off, “Do any of you have any more classes today?” When everyone declined, you all agreed that you should get a head start on your project as it would be hard to make a good project out of such an overused love story. While walking over to the student center to decide on a concept, conversation flowed easily between the four of you even though you were still really nervous to be around Johnny. God, you really hoped he didn’t think you were stupid or something just because you were nervous.

The little study session went by in a blur and only further confirmed that you were so whipped for Johnny it wasn’t even funny anymore. You found yourself attentively listening to all of his ideas and laughing at every of his stupid little jokes and only mildly spacing out while looking at Johnny when the others were discussing ideas which had led to one or two mildly embarrassing situations where you would lose track of what you were actually discussing, your mind blank of any input when they asked for your opinion.

Soon you found yourself parting ways with your groupmates, leaving you and Johnny alone because his frat house and your little apartment were located in the same general direction. “Anything fun you’re doing this evening?” Johnny asked, trying to make some light conversation to fill the silence. “No, I’ll just binge watch some shows maybe or listen to the campus radio,” you shrugged it off. While today’s show wasn’t your favorite, you quite liked the DJs soft and gentle voice. “You listen to the campus radio? I have a show on there,” Johnny smiled. “I like listening to you and Jaehyun,” you confessed, trying to fight the heat that was licking at your cheeks. “Oh.” “You seem surprised.” “Yeah, it kind of still seems weird that people enjoy listening to Jae and me rambling for hours on end. You know with him it just feels like I’m hanging out with my brother rather than work.” “Your voices are really soothing, you know,” you tried to explain what you were feeling when listing to them, “And your friendship is kind of adorable. Like we can feel how much you care about each other and you always genuinely try to help your listeners without making fun of them.” For a while Johnny didn’t say anything and you thought you had fucked it up, that he thought you were weird now. “Thank you,” he suddenly said. “Huh?” “It means a lot hearing that. We do lurk on Twitter to see what people think of our show but hearing it like this is something else entirely.” “It’s nothing,” you mused, playfully hitting his arm, “No need to get this soft.” “Hey,” he laughed, “I’ll have you know that I am 180 centimeters of walking softness despite what people might say about me.” Smiling softly you caught his eyes for the first time since you two had started walking and the way his honey eyes were smiling back at you momentarily took your breath away.

“I- My room is right around here, sooooo,” you stuttered. “It was nice working with you. Even though you were spacing out half the time,” Johnny teased, “Thinking about a special someone?” You. The word sat on the tip of your tongue, the low light of the afternoon sun making you bolder than you actually were and Johnny just made you feel incredibly comfortable. “No... No- I- I’m single.” “A crush then?” “Something like that,” you mumbled, your fingers nervously playing with the hem of your jacket. “Talk to him. Or her. Or them,” Johnny advised. “I really can’t,” you sighed, “He doesn’t even know I exist.” “Well you don’t need to confess your undying love for him,” he laughed, not knowing he was the boy in question, “Just you know. Casually talk to him. Get to know him.” “I’ll try?” “Is that a question?” “Yeah?” “Have more confidence in yourself,” he gently nudged you, “You’re nice and very easy to talk to.” “Nice... Wow.” “Shut up,” he laughed, “I usually give better compliments but I have yet to get to know you better.” “Would you... Would you even want that?” “Sure,” Johnny shrugged and your heart skipped a couple of beats, “I have to get going or everybody will already be drunk when I arrive. So... I’ll see you in class? And you’ll hear me on Sunday?” “Yeah sure. Don’t drink too much or you will be miserable all show like last week,” you giggled. “Don’t remind me,” he groaned, “I’m never going to drink tequila on a Saturday ever again.” “Goodbye Johnny,” you smiled, really liking how his name sounded when you said it out loud. “Bye,” he waved before going his way.

Once you were sure he was out of hearing distance, you let out a little happy squeak and jumped up and down excitedly. You did it. You had actually done it. You had talked to your crush. And managed to not make a complete fool out of yourself in front of him. Which was a win in your books. A huge win. With a little spring in your steps, you stepped by one of your favorite pizza places to treat yourself before heading home where you spend your evening daydreaming about none other than Johnny while watching reruns of old dramas.

“Hi, I’m Jae-D.” “And I am John-D. Welcome to NCT-“ “Night Night.” “John-D.” “Yes, Jae-D,” Johnny chuckled. “It’s Thursday again which means it’s time to tend to our listener’s worries,” Jaehyun read off of the script, not getting distracted by his friend’s antics, “And today is a very special episode.” “Special?” Jaehyun barely repressed to roll his eyes at his friend’s over-exaggerated acting before continuing: “Yes, since tomorrow is a day off for all students, we have decided to make this episode extra lengthy and-“ he shortly stopped to flash the camera a peace sign, “Viewable despite it being Thursday.” “Do we look okay?” Johnny laughed, checking himself out in the video that was playing on one of their monitors. “Aaaaah, the comments say we look good tonight, thank you,” Jaehyun mused.

And they really did. Not that either of them had to do a whole lot to look good but today they were both wearing white button-downs with their sleeves rolled up to expose their forearms. Jaehyun had even gone so far as to put on some fake glasses. “And if you’re following us on our Twitter you also already know that this week it’s all about love on our campus radio and our show today is no exception,” Johnny read his part of the script. “Today John-D and Jae-D are Loveholics, trying our very best to help you with your problems surrounding love,” Jaehyun completed, “You can send in song recommendations through the hashtag JohnJaeLoveholic just like taryn1026 did – I hope I said that right – but they recommended Paris in the Rain by Lauv to set the mood for today.”

The soft tunes of the song made you relax a little into your sofa where you had chosen to watch today’s episode of NCT Night Night. You had to say that you were kind of nervous for today’s episode. Just like every week you had written your letter to Johnny, telling him about your week and cheering him on for your group project. At this point it should have been pretty obvious just who exactly you were and judging by how Johnny was acting towards you, his flirting leaving you flustered after your study sessions and your group mates mildly annoyed, he seemed to already have put together the pieces. But yesterday while writing your letter you had felt extra bold (and maybe also extra riled up and horny from Johnny’s shameless flirting) and had written him a message that should confirm all his suspicions and would hopefully lead him straight to you and into your bed. But until the end of the show or at least until they read your letter, which you really hoped they did today as well, you had to wait sitting in your apartment, for once not in comfortable clothes but in a nice shirt and pants.

“That was Paris in the Rain by Lauv, recommended to us by taryn1026 through our Twitter with the hashtag JohnJaeLoveholic,” Johnny’s raspy voice filled your apartment when he leaned close to the mic, “Jae-D are you ready to make some love happen?” “I already had my love juice,” Jaehyun answered, showing his pink Starbucks drink to the camera, “And my reading glasses are on.” As to prove his point, he hiked his glasses up his nose before scratching his eye through the holes in the frame, making both DJs chuckle. For the next hour Johnny and Jaehyun tried to solve several relationship dramas as well as a very tricky friends-with-benefits situation and telling a boy to break up with his cheating girlfriend which had been a rather heartbreaking discussion. “So after this,” Jaehyun sighed, “Let’s play another song recommendation. Burtonized has sent in a very fitting song, I hope you all don’t mind a little Korean: It’s God Damn by I.M – a song about heartbreak.”

While the foreign song was playing, the two DJs stretched their backs and sipped on their respective drinks: Jaehyun still on his pink sugar concoction and Johnny already on his second iced Americano. Jaehyun must have found something funny on his phone, nudging his friend to look at him but Johnny was busy typing away on his own, only acknowledging his friend after he had typed his message. Just after that, your own phone buzzed with a message, showing Johnny’s name on the screen.

From: Johnny Are you watching our show?

To: Johnny Sure, you look good today

From: Johnny Make sure to listen closely ;)

“That was God Damn by I.M suggested by burtonized over our Twitter hashtag JohnJaeLoveholic,” Jaehyun’s smooth voice tore you from your spiraling thoughts about the winking face Johnny had sent. “Sadly our show is coming to an end even with our extended airtime.” “But John-D a very important letter is still missing before we close our show. Dare I say it could be the highlight of our show,” Jaehyun joked, already playing the cheesy music he was always playing when Johnny would read your letters. “You’re right Jae-D my lovely secret admirer has sent in another letter,” Johnny mused, arranging himself so he could read the printed out letter while being as close as possible to the mic for it to pick up the rasp in his voice, “Happy Thursday John-D, I hope your week has been more exciting than mine. I have just been going from class to class without much thought, the only high points are my group meetings for the group project we have to hand in soon – That seems very familiar, baby – But since today is all about love, I’ll tell you about a little problem I have: – get your love juice ready, Jae – There is this boy in my group. And boy isn’t really the right word to describe him, he’s a man really,” at that Johnny couldn’t hold back a low chuckle, “I’m sorry, I’ll be serious – And he is flirting with me. Has been for a couple of weeks now. And it has gotten to the point where our groupmates are kind of annoyed at us. He has also walked me home a couple of times but he never so much as touched me. At this point I am so frustrated with him. Is he just playing with me? Or is his mouth bigger than his actions actually are? He has been riling me up all day today and I was ready to let him have his way with me but he only wished me goodnight and left again, leaving me to deal with what he had done all by myself – oh wow, I,” Johnny stuttered, sharing a gaze with his friend who was only barely repressing his laughter, “Wow, okay, I hope we’re in the good for reading this out and it’s late enough,” clearing his voice and raking a hand through his hair, Johnny continued, “John-D I hope this man hears what he has done to me and will deal with the consequences of his actions. Would you play Animal by Jin Yosef and RIELL for me? Just in case this letter hasn’t gotten my point across? – Y... Yeah sure, darling. We’ll play that once our show is over.”

“So John-D,” Jaehyun grinned while loudly slurping on his ‘love juice’, “What would you advice your secret admirer to do about this problem?” “Well if I were her,” Johnny started, his gaze going straight to the camera where he knew you were watching and it felt like he was looking straight into your soul, “I’d wait for him. I’m pretty sure he can prove that his actions speak even louder than his words.” For a while it was quiet between the two DJs, safe for Jaehyun’s obnoxiously loud slurping noises but even if they would have been saying anything, you weren’t sure if you could have comprehended any words with how furiously your heart was beating. “Anyways,” Jaehyun eventually broke the silence once he was sure there was nothing left in his ‘love juice’, “I’m afraid that was it for tonight. This has been your extra lengthy episode of Jae-D and John-D and we will leave you with this wonderful song recommendation: Animal by Jin Yosef and RIELL. If you’ve liked today’s show, we’re here every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday night on your campus radio on 127mHz to listen to all of your worries on NCT-“ “Night Night,” Johnny joined in and they both waved into the camera as your song of choice started playing. The video stream didn’t cut off immediately, showing the boys gathering their things and if your eyes weren’t betraying you, you swore you saw Johnny tense up when the song turned a little more explicit. The two DJs waved to the camera one last time before the stream cut off, leaving the screen of your laptop dark.

That was when it dawned on you what you had done. Shit. With how Johnny had sounded, you probably had about fifteen to twenty minutes until he would be at your doorstep. Oh god. Shit. Taking a couple of deep breaths, you tried to ground yourself before hurriedly closing your laptop and cleaning everything that seemed messy in your little one-room apartment. That was until you heard a knock on your door.

With shaky hands, you slowly opened the door and while you knew who would be standing on the other side, you weren’t ready for how he was going to look like: Johnny was leaning against the doorway casually with his arms crossed over his chest so the tight button-down he was wearing would strain over the planes of his chest muscles but what really reeled you in was how dark his eyes looked when he raked them over your body. “Good evening miss,” he drawled. “Hi,” you breathed. “Tell me what you want so I’m not misinterpreting any of this,” Johnny all but growled, one of his hands coming up to cup your face. “I want you to have me.” If you thought his eyes were dark before, they turned into bottomless black orbs once the words had left your lips. “You don’t know what you’re asking for, baby.” “Please,” you whimpered and that seemed to break Johnny’s resolve as he pulled you close to him and all but crashed his lips into yours. The kiss wasn’t delicate in any way, shape or form with how Johnny was licking into your mouth the second a moan left your lips. His tongue was intertwining with yours messily and in no time both of you were panting into each other’s mouths. “Inside. Now,” you rasped. “All with due time,” Johnny chuckled but let you pull him into your apartment, slamming the door shut to crowd you against it, one of his strong thighs slipping between your legs like it belonged there, “If you’re a good girl and listen well, I’ll give you anything you want.” “Fuck,” you cursed before slamming your lips together again, a new neediness bleeding into the kiss as you tugged on the longer strands of hair at the back of Johnny’s neck which made him growl lowly. “Anything off-limits?” Johnny breathed into your skin as he kissed down your neck to suck a mark there while his hands were busy pulling your shirt from your pants so he could rake them over your naked skin. “Just,” you had to cut yourself off with a moan, “Don’t be mean to me.” “Never,” he promised, “You’ll be my pillow princess.” His sweet words were in stark contrast to how hard his hands were gripping your hips and how his teeth were grazing over your neck that must be littered with marks already. “Take me to bed,” you heaved breathlessly, positive your legs would give out if it wasn’t for Johnny holding you up.

Listening to your demand, he slowly started walking you backwards towards your bed until the two of you were toppling down on top of the covers, his lips never leaving your skin. Whoever had spread the rumors about Johnny being a great lover had been absolutely right, he knew just how to touch you to have you gasping for air and judging by the grin on his lips he hadn’t even started yet. “Please,” you whimpered, arching into his touch, not exactly sure what exactly you were asking for but Johnny seemed to know all the better when he freed you from your top and pants to leave you in your matching lace set while he was still fully clothed in his by now wrinkled button-up and pants. “All for me?” He chuckled and pressed a kiss right between the valley of your breasts, his big hands cupping the soft flesh to squeeze it gently. “Have me,” you gasped out and you could feel the growl he let out vibrating where you were pressed together. “I’m going to ruin you,” Johnny promised, pulling down the cups of your bra to wrap his plush lips around one of your nipples to tease the soft nub until it hardened under his ministrations, sending waves of pleasure down your spine and straight to your core where you could feel your wetness starting to seep into the fabric of your panties. “Johnny,” you mewled and arched into his every touch, his calloused fingertips setting your skin alight when he let them travel down your body to tease over your lower stomach. As if by reflex, you let your thighs fall open for him to finally touch you where you needed him the most. “Such a good girl,” he smiled, blowing cold air over your spit-slicked nipple to watch you squirm beneath him. Your remark got stuck in your throat when he finally cupped you through your panties, feeling how damp the fabric had already become. “Naughty,” he chuckled, his eyes never leaving your face as he circled your clit through the fabric, watching your eyes fluttering shut when his gaze became too intense.

“Johnny,” you sighed, forgetting all other words except for his name. “Relax, princess,” he rasped and kissed his way down your body, leaving love bites on the sensitive skin of your stomach and thighs that shook with anticipation. If you’d say you hadn’t dreamed about his lips on you like this, you would lie and you weren’t going to miss the sight of this for nothing. Fighting back the fog that had started to cloud your mind, you forced your eyes open to look down to where he had settled between your open thighs to find him staring right back at you. “Good girl,” he praised you again before pressing a kiss over your clothed sex that made your head fall back already, the anticipation of what was to come making you push up your hips which made Johnny chuckle lowly. He didn’t leave you any time to feel embarrassed by how needy you were when he hooked your panties to the side unceremoniously and licked a broad stripe up your center, tasting your arousal. “Oh fuck,” you breathed out, your hands flying down to tangle them in the long strands of his hair. Johnny worked his tongue in slow and clever strokes, leaving your mind reeling with pleasure and taking his time to take you apart piece by piece, not even paying attention to your leaking center or your aching clit. But when he did wrap his lips around your clit to gently suck on the nub, your mind almost went numb with how intense his touch was, your thighs clamping shut around him. To make it even worse, he started humming around you while prying your thighs back open, holding you down with his large hands. You felt your orgasm approach almost embarrassingly fast now that he was altering between teasing your clit with his tongue, lips and even his teeth and fucking your velvety walls with his tongue, setting your nerve endings on fire. “Johnny I’m close,” you warned him but instead of slowing down, he stretched his jaw wide to press his tongue further into you, his nose bumping into your clit in the process and with the combined sensation and his doubled effort, it took no time for your first orgasm of the night to wash over you, a scream of his name leaving your lips as you shook through it, your mind going equally as numb as your legs.

When you came back to it, Johnny had straightened up between your legs and he was grinning down at you while he was unbuttoning his shirt, his face still shiny with your arousal. “That was the first one,” he spoke darkly. “Come here,” you whined, making grabby hands for him until he took pity on you and covered your body with his before connecting your lips in a bruising kiss. You could still taste yourself on his lips but that somehow just made it even hotter.

“Want you inside me,” you panted against his lips when Johnny broke the kiss in favor of raking his teeth over your racing pulse. “Yeah?” He rasped and ground his hips down into yours, making you feel him strain against the fabric of his pants. “Need it,” you moaned at the sweet friction. “Think you can take me?” He laughed as he leaned back on his hunches to pop open the button of his pants, pulling down the zipper agonizingly slow. With wide eyes you watched him push his pants down his narrow hips, leaving him in just his navy boxers that showed the sizable imprint of his hard cock, the fabric against the head dark from where he had leaked precum. Chuckling, he stroked over the outline and just the sight alone made your mouth water. “Show me,” you breathed, spreading your thighs so he could see your needy core, clenching around nothing. “Hmm,” he hummed, dragging one of his fingers that wasn’t preoccupied with teasing himself through the mess of arousal and his saliva between your legs, only barely dipping it into you to feel the muscles trying to suck him inside. “Don’t tease me,” you whined high in your throat. “But I like seeing you squirm,” Johnny grinned but took mercy on you and sunk his finger into you up to the knuckle, gently pumping it inside you. Still sensitive from how intense your last orgasm had been, you were torn between pulling away and wanting more but Johnny made the decision for you when he pulled his finger out, wiping your arousal onto your thigh.

“Eyes on me,” he commanded and finally freed his cock from his briefs. “Fuck.” The curse left your lips without even noticing at the sight of his flushed cock, too heavy to properly stand up against his toned abs. The tip was tinted red and shiny with precum that Johnny generously spread down that whole length, his eyes not leaving yours as you watched him lazily jerk himself. “Like what you see?” You eagerly nodded your head. “Want it inside me.” “Yeah? Show me.”

Throwing all caution out of the window, you quickly sucked two of your fingers between your lips before guiding them to your weeping core to slip them inside you, letting out an over-exaggerated moan as you crooked them. “Oh you’re so naughty, baby,” Johnny groaned, squeezing the base of his cock tightly as he watched you fingering yourself and if you had even one coherent thought left in your head, you’d have the decency to be embarrassed because of how intensely he was staring. “It’s not enough,” you pouted, pulling your fingers free and spreading them to look at the slick covering them, “I’m so wet for you.” “Such a dirty mouth,” he groaned, quickly grabbing his pants to fish a condom from his wallet to roll over his hard length. “Please, Johnny,” you hiccupped, winding your legs around his waist to pull him closer to you. “Sssh, princess,” he soothed you, running his hands over your torso before bending down to press tender kisses to your stomach, “I’ll take care of you.” “Please kiss me.”

Dropping his elbows next to your head to support his weight, he covered your body with his and caught your lips in a kiss much too tender for your current situation, taking his time to explore your mouth until you were perfectly pliant beneath him. “Tell me if it hurts,” he whispered into the small space between you while he snaked a hand between your bodies to guide his cock to your core. When the head slipped in without much resistance, both of you let out twin moans of pleasure. Painstakingly slowly Johnny pushed inside you, centimeter by centimeter until his hips were flush to yours. “Breathe, princess,” he reminded you because you indeed had held your breath and had buried your nails in his biceps. “Shit, you’re big,” you cursed. “So I’ve been told,” Johnny chuckled and peppered your face and neck with little kisses while he slowly ground his hips so you could get used to him inside you.

“Move,” you demanded after a while.   “What’s the magic word baby?” He grinned. “Please, Johnny,” you whimpered, clenching down on him. “Once more.” “Don’t make me beg.” “But you sound so pretty when you do,” he chuckled, only barely moving his hips. “Johnny please,” you whined, trying your best to move on his cock on your own but the angle was just not working out. “Oh, you want to do the work?” “I want you to move,” you groaned, pawing at his chest.

“But I think you’d look so pretty riding my cock,” Johnny rasped and in one fluid movement, he had sat up and pulled you onto his lap. Shit, it felt like he was even deeper now. “Come on, princess.” Whining, you wound your arms around his shoulders and pulled your legs beneath you so you could lift your hips up to make his cock smoothly slide out, the friction just right before you slowly dropped back down again, earning you an appreciative groan from Johnny. “That’s right, baby,” he praised you as you slowly found a comfortable pace, swiveling your hips until the angle was just right. Tightening the grip you had on his shoulders to use it as leverage, you began riding him in earnest, impaling yourself on his cock over and over again until your head was spinning and your thighs started to burn. “Come on, doll,” Johnny grinned, catching one of your nipples between his lips. Whining, you rolled your hips faster until your thighs began shaking. “Need help?” He just grinned, his big hands holding onto your hips to help you move up and down his cock at a steadier pace. “Please Johnny,” you hiccupped, hiding your face in his neck to ground yourself, “Please fuck me.” “Am I not doing just that?” He chuckled, filthily grinding his cock inside you. “Do it right,” you panted into his skin, “Fuck me like you mean it.”

“Then get on your hands and knees for me, baby.” He didn’t have to tell you twice, it was almost comical how quickly you obeyed his command and arched your back for him. “Hmm, that’s it,” he praised you, tracing the curve of your spine with his hands until he reached the space between your shoulder blades where he gently pushed down to make you arch even further. “So good and pliant for me, just waiting to be filled.” “Please,” you just whined again, past the point of caring about how pathetic you sounded, begging for his cock. “Say it baby,” he demanded, slapping his cock against your wet folds. “Please fuck me Johnny. Please. I want your cock inside me so badly. Want you to fuck me until I can’t even remember my own name anymore. Please I need it. I-“ your frantic rambling got cut off by the surprised moan leaving your lips as he thrust into you without any warning. “Don’t hold back baby,” Johnny rasped before gripping your hips tightly to finally fuck you in earnest, the sound of skin slapping together loud in the otherwise silent room. “God, your ass looks amazing,” he moaned, burying himself in your tight heat over and over again, mesmerized by how his cock was glistening in the low light and how easily your body opened up for him, “You’re basically made to take my cock.” You could only mewl at his dirty words and fist the sheets tightly in your hands as you tried to meet his thrusts as best as you could while you felt like you got your soul fucked right out of you.

“Feels so good,” you slurred when you felt the familiar knot in your stomach ready to snap, clenching around Johnny’s cock. “God baby, if you keep clenching like that I’m gonna cum,” Johnny cursed, grabbing you by the neck to pull you up against his chest, the pace of his hips only getting faster. “Please Johnny. Want it inside,” you whined, letting him use your body how he wanted to relish in the low moans he let out. “You want me to fill you up baby?” “Want it so bad, Johnny,” you mewled. “Then cum for me. Cum on my cock and I’ll give you anything you want.” And oh god. You had never thought that the strained sound of a couple of words could be enough to actually trip you over the edge but the rasp in Johnny’s voice had you falling apart in his arms, your orgasm ripping through you so hard it had your thighs shaking. “Such a good girl,” Johnny praised you before he let out a low guttural moan and fucked into you once – then twice – before his hips came to a halt, emptying his cum inside the condom.

For a while you two just panted loudly before Johnny gently laid you back down onto the mattress, chuckling lowly when you whined at the loss of his cock. “Shit,” you giggled while he quickly got rid of the condom, throwing it in the general direction of your trashcan. So tender you could have missed it, Johnny pressed a row of kisses down your spine until he reached the swell of your ass. “Cuddle me,” you pouted, making grabby hands at him. “We’re sweaty, princess,” he laughed but gave in when you kept pouting. “I don’t care,” you whined, fitting your head beneath his, wrapping your arms and legs around his body to cling to him like a koala. “You’re cute,” he smiled, pressing his lips to your forehead.

“For how long did you know?” “Know what?” Johnny asked, clearly confused. “That I was your secret admirer.” “I didn’t.” “It was so obvious,” you groaned. “Okay maybe I got a hunch after we started that group project. But you never said anything.” “What was I supposed to say? Oh Johnny, by the way, I’m the one who has been writing you cringey love letters for like half a year already. Please go out with me?” That made Johnny laugh, the sound melodic in the quiet of your room. “I would have said yes, you know?” He spoke lowly, “I’ll miss your letters.” “What makes you think I will stop writing them?” “Because you can tell me all that stuff in person now when we go on dates.” “We’ll go on dates?” “That’s what people do when they like each other, princess,” Johnny chuckled, “And I really like you. Both as my secret admirer and my classmate.” “Oh my god stop,” you whined, hiding your hot face in his chest, feeling shy all of a sudden while Johnny was just laughing.

“I like you too,” you eventually mumbled once it had gotten quiet again. “I figured,” he teased you. “I changed my mind,” you immediately shot back, rising from where you were cuddled into his chest but every other protest died on your tongue when you saw his dreamy expression, his honey eyes finding yours and completely ignoring the fact that you were still very much naked. “Date me,” he said. “Okay,” you answered, easily meeting his lips in a sweet kiss that wouldn’t be the last one you two shared tonight.

“Hello and welcome back, that was Middle Of The Night by Monsta X, suggested to us by raibebe through our Twitter with the hashtag JonJaeLoveTalk. We’re your DJ’s John-D.” “And Jae-D on NCT Night Night. Hello again to all of our listeners. John-D.” “Yes Jae-D,” Johnny chuckled, leaning back in his chair. “Something is off today. I looked through our mail and there was no letter from your secret admirer.” “Oh really,” he feigned surprise. “Either they didn’t send anything in or our director got sick of the pining.” “I can calm you right back down Jae-D,” Johnny smiled, “Because she simply doesn’t need to send any more letters. I finally found her.” “No way. For real? And you didn’t tell me? I have to find out through our radio show? Friendship is dead,” Jaehyun sighed dramatically and you couldn’t help but chuckle. “Jae-D you know you’ll always be the number one in my heart, you know that.” At that Jaehyun let out fake gagging noises that made both friends chuckle.

“No but for real. I finally found her and asked her out. It’s going great so yeah,” Johnny shrugged, “In case you’re listening baby: I’m dropping by later and bring sushi.” “This is so domestic already,” Jaehyun sighed dramatically, “Where is my secret admirer?” “Maybe you could find love as well if you stopped acting like the textbook example of a frat boy.” “What is that even supposed to mean?”

Smiling, you leaned back on your sofa and listened to your boyfriend bickering with his best friend. Boyfriend. That sounded good even though it still felt unreal. Love Letters weren’t dead after all it seemed.

[jackrrabbit]

Clean /// Sakusa x f!Reader (18+)

Summary: [College dorm AU] Sakusa can’t stop thinking about you in the shower.

A/N: Indirectly inspired by @seita​ and @bakatenshii​, who made me think about soap and Sakusa’s cum in conjunction…thanks guys :P

Tags/warnings: masturbation, mild cleanliness fetish if that’s a thing?, Sakusa wants you and is in deep denial about it

It’s not like he started doing it on purpose. Not at first.

On weekdays, you wake up at the same time that Sakusa gets back from the gym: 7 AM exactly. He timed it that way because they clean the dorm bathrooms at 6:30—they’re still revolting, but they can’t be as bad as the ones at the gym. He can avoid touching the stall walls if he has to, and…he has to. 7 is the perfect time—even the students with 8 AM class can’t be fucked to wake up that early, so he gets the row of mirrors and stalls to himself.

Except for you.

Your room is right next to the stairwell; when Sakusa jogs up the stairs (two at a time, blood still pumping from his workout even though the sweat is already cooling on his back) he can hear your alarm through the thin wall. Always 7 on the dot: your phone blares an obnoxiously loud ringtone, there’s a muffled protest from you and your roommate curses at you to turn that shit off, it’s seven fucking AM. By the time he’s standing at the bathroom sink brushing his teeth, you’re usually pushing through the door in your pajamas, holding your towel in one hand and rubbing your puffy eyes with the other.

So it’s not like Sakusa plans this. It’s a coincidence. Mostly.

“G’morning…Kiyoomi.” You interrupt yourself with a yawn in the middle of the sentence. Your voice sounds heavy with exhaustion and he wonders, not for the first time, why you bother waking up so early. You don’t seem like a morning person.

The toothbrush is still in Sakusa’s mouth, so he just nods to greet you. You smile sleepily and then bend down to reach your bathroom locker, and—fuck, fuck, you’re wearing the shorts again, the threadbare cotton ones you wear whenever the weather gets a little warmer. They’re thin (so thin he can see the high cut of your panties underneath when they’re stretched over your ass, not that he’s looking), and they’re short.

Do you know how much you’re showing off when you bend over like that to rummage through your locker? You’re basically showing your ass off, the smooth muscle of your thighs rising up into those perfect cheeks, and between them, the dingy cotton stretched tight over your mound—

He’s not looking. He shouldn’t be looking. Sakusa lowers his gaze in the mirror to spit the toothpaste into the sink.

“Hey, can I borrow some of that?”

You’re standing at his elbow now, blinking up at him. Pleading. When he wordlessly hands over the tube, you grin, eyes crinkling up at the corners like he just offered to take your hand in marriage rather than letting you have some toothpaste that he wasn’t going to miss anyway. “Thanks! You’re the best.”

You barely know him. Sakusa’s pretty sure that these early-morning bathroom encounters are the only times you two interact.

“How was your workout?” you ask when you’re done brushing your teeth.

Sakusa has to grip the edge of the counter to tear his eyes away from you when you spit it out—white foam dribbling out of your mouth and down your chin—but that’s beside the point. “It was fine.”

“Yeah? Did you run or go to the gym?”

“Gym.” Why are you so curious? You’re too friendly.

You hum appreciatively, rubbing foamy circles of cleanser into your skin. The smell of it is light—floral, but barely. Lavender, maybe. That’s step one of your morning skincare routine, which Sakusa’s pretty certain he knows as well as you do by now. Next will be toner, and then you’ll save the rest for after your shower—but before you reach for the next little bottle in the row you’ve lined up on the bathroom counter, you turn toward him. “I should get back on a regular gym schedule too. Maybe one day I’ll go with you?”

“If you can wake up that early.” The remark must come out harsher than Sakusa intended, because you raise your eyebrows and your mouth drops open—but a second later you’re smiling again, turning back to the mirror so you can pat the toner into your skin.

“You’re probably right. I don’t know how you wake up at six in the morning every day.”

5:45, he wants to correct. But if he keeps talking to you, you’re going to notice he’s staring. So he just finishes washing his face without answering, puts his stuff back into the locker, and makes his way over to the shower stalls, leaving you and the scent of lavender behind.

There are five stalls. All open, of course. Second from the left has the best water pressure, and the one on the far right has a removable shower head and heats up the quickest. But Sakusa chooses the middle stall. For no reason. Not because he knows exactly which stall you’re going to pick, and he wants to be sure he’s in the stall next to yours when you do. He takes his time—undresses slowly, folding his dirty gym clothes even though they’re going straight into the laundry; sets his shampoo and conditioner and body wash out on the bench in the order that he’s going to use them; turns the knob to just the right angle to get the right temperature and waits for it to heat up until he can see the steam saturating the air.

By the time Sakusa’s under the water, massaging shampoo through his hair and feeling the sweat slough off his skin along with the shower spray, you’re done with your pre-shower skincare, padding over from the sinks to the stalls and picking—predictably—the one next to his. He has to strain himself to hear it over the sound of splashing water but he does hear it: your cheap pink flip-flops slapping against the tile floor, the relieved yawn in your breath as you stretch (you always stretch) and the soft rustling of fabric as you take off your clothes and deposit them in a heap on the bench.

Sakusa tilts his head up into the shower spray and feels the stray drops clinging to his eyelashes and wonders how much he’d be able to see if the walls were made of glass.

Today is Wednesday, and that means you’re going to wash your hair today because you always wash it on Wednesdays. Sakusa can already smell the shampoo you use filtering into the air. What is it? Sharper and more bitter than mint, medicinal almost—he’s considered asking you a few times what it is, but he can’t figure out a way to phrase the question.

Hey, (Y/N), tell me what product you use to wash your hair. Ever since I started jacking off in the shower to you, I can’t get off unless I’m smelling it.

That probably wouldn’t go over well.

Fuck, he’s already hard. The heat of the shower is nothing compared to the heat of his blood pumping down to his cock. Sakusa rinses through his hair quickly, freeing up his hands so he can palm his shaft and give it a tentative stroke.

Through the shower wall you give a light, soft sigh of appreciation, and Sakusa feels his cock jump in his hand. You prefer your showers hotter than he does—white puffs of steam are rising up over the gap between the stall divider and the ceiling, and you always come out flushed. The heat must feel nice, hm? He can almost see you, standing naked under the shower head in just your stupid pink flip-flops, letting rivulets of water drip down from the crown of your head to flow lower…over your shoulders, your back, your tits; your fingers lathering the shampoo through your hair, soap bubbles washing the grease away from you, draining away yesterday’s grime so you’re all fresh and squeaky clean.

You sigh again, and your voice is pushing out behind the breath. A moan, almost. Do you ever touch yourself in the shower? He’d be a hypocrite to think you shouldn’t be able to take advantage of this rare moment of privacy…it’s so hard to get time to yourself in the dorms, he can sympathize… So maybe you let your hands dip lower while you wash, shift your thighs apart so you can fit your fingers between them. Pet that puffy little cunt, push your fingers inside, feel your slick wash off in the water just to be replaced with more.

Sakusa wraps his fingers around his cock and slides his hand up the shaft, moving slowly so he can savor the light friction. Your hands would be soft, wouldn’t they? Softer than his. You don’t have calluses like he does—all that lotion you use must be doing you some good. And your hands are a lot smaller than his are…you’d probably have trouble getting one hand all the way around. You’d have to use both hands to hold him, hold his cock and pump him, jack him off…

If your hands are too small for him, what about your mouth?

The shower is so warm and you’re so close. Sakusa closes his eyes so he can breathe in that sweet medicinal smell and imagine you in here with him.

Your mouth. Soft lips, no makeup, just your natural color dampened from the water and your spit and his precum, closed around him, stretched around him to accommodate for the mass of his cock sitting in your mouth. Little pink tongue flicking out to tease the tip, lapping flat at the underside and then kissing it. You’d be a tease, a fucking tease. Looking up at him with those eyes, batting your eyelashes over your dewy-wet cheeks as you try to swallow him a little deeper. He’d tangle his fingers around the back of your head, push the strands of wet hair away from your face, pull your mouth up and down on his cock while the water splashes down around the two of you—

There’s a click of a cap popping shut and your shoes smacking wetly against the floor while you reach over to grab another bottle. You’re humming to yourself—a song Sakusa’s heard on his friends’ playlists and at parties but he doesn’t know the lyrics. Sometimes you sing in the shower (always softly, under your breath, so quiet he’d barely be able to hear if he wasn’t listening) but today you just hum. Maybe you’d sing out loud if he wasn’t there?

You’re probably being considerate to him...you do seem like the type. After all, you must be as aware of his presence three feet away from you as he is of yours. You probably think about him in the shower too.

Sakusa’s hips buck forward, pushing his dick through his hand as he pumps it with no real technique or rhythm, just trying to match the pace of his breathing to what he can hear of yours. The heat of his impending climax is coiling low in his belly, even though it hasn’t been long—it never takes long when he’s thinking about you. You’ve practically become a part of his own morning routine, to the point where he couldn’t even get off when he went home for spring break a few weeks ago. When the two of you move out of the dorms and go your separate ways, it’s going to be annoying. He should really stop this, wean himself off you while he can…not that he really wants to.

Your voice isn’t bad when you sing, but it’d be a lot better moaning his name.

People fuck in the showers. Sakusa knows that, he’s heard them himself and always been acutely disgusted at the filth of it all. Dorm bathrooms are notoriously foul—there’s a reason people wear shoes when they’re showering, and the thought of people actually fucking in here makes his skin crawl. But with you? He can see it, he can feel it—the soft fat of your thighs in his hands, skin dimpling under his grip as he holds you up; your arms twisted around his neck hugging into him; the hot water streaming over both of your bodies as his cock slaps into your pussy, burying into that tight wet heat.

Sakusa grits his teeth to stifle a groan and wonders if you heard it, and then he’s feeling around for the memory of your sleepy “Good morning, Kiyoomi” and warping your voice in his mind until he can almost hear your lips wrapping around his name, panting it, whimpering it, choking it out between pleas for him to fuck you harder—Kiyoomi, please, fuck me fuck me just like that, fuck my little pussy til I can’t walk straight Kiyoomi I need you!

God, he wants to hear it, he wants to say your name, wants you to know he’s jacking off to you. Sakusa’s hand speeds up and his hips are thrusting into his fist, the water making wet clicking noises every time his cockhead moves up past his fingers as he imagines fucking you right here in this shower. He’d make you cum, make you clench and tighten around him, make you wake up the entire goddamn floor with your screaming, and—fuck, he’s mouthing out the syllables, and then he can hear his own voice out loud and he’s saying your name—

“K-Kiyoomi?”

Your actual voice—lifted, high and clear as a bell ringing even stifled by the stall and the rushing water hits Sakusa and he flinches—and cums, cock jerking under his grip as the sticky white fluid shoots out to coat his hand. It’s good, so good, so fucking good, you said his name, you said it, fucking perfect—the release passes over him so forcefully that he has to hold his breath to bite back the stuttered hiss of pleasure from deep in his throat.

“Kiyoomi?” you ask again from the other stall, voice uncertain. “Did you say my name? I thought I heard you…”

It takes him a long moment to catch his breath, and another to work up enough control to straighten and raise his hand to the spray, letting the cum wash off his skin and down the drain in cloudy white trickles. “I didn’t.”

“Oh, sorry! Guess I imagined it.” You’re back to your cheerful self, humming that brainless melody and soaping yourself up without a care in the world. So gullible. Like always. And it’s not like Sakusa wanted to get caught, but…he can’t help wondering what you’d do if you knew.

Maybe you’d hate him. Maybe you’d call him a creep, stop showering when he does, avoid his gaze when you pass each other in the halls.

Or maybe you’d be into it.

Sakusa finishes his shower at the same time you do, so he can catch you just as you step out of the stall. “Oh—“ you start, barely keeping yourself from bumping into his chest. “Oops!”

Your face is stained pink from the heat of the shower…or maybe it’s the way you’re staring at his bare chest that’s making you blush. Sakusa’s not flattering himself—he knows he’s good-looking, knows what the years of athletics have done for him, and you are staring—but just for a moment before you catch yourself and right your gaze back up to his face, absently watching him towel off his hair. The fact that you let your eyes stray a little gives him permission to do the same, so he takes a moment to examine the lines of your shoulders, your soaked hair sticking to your neck, the dip of your cleavage under the fluffy white robe you’re wearing.

You smell good, all soft and wet and clean. Sakusa can’t help imagining if you taste that good, too.

“Um…s’cuse me,” you say after a moment when he doesn’t move to let you pass through the walkway. You could try to skirt around him, but he’s so big.

“What shampoo do you use?”

You blink and pat your hair self-consciously. “It’s, uh, tea tree oil? It has peppermint and lavender and stuff too I think, it’s really good for waking up in the morning—sorry, I know some people don’t like the smell—“

“No, it doesn’t bother me.” Sakusa’s eyes narrow before he steps out of the way to let you walk past.

I like it, he wants to add. But he doesn’t.

[bellesowl]

tell me you love me

- multiple characters

⤷ sakusa, atsumu, ushijima, kuroo

genre: fluff ; established relationships

synopsis: haikyuu boys and their love languages

word count: 1.5k total <3

warnings: very very small mention of bullies and season 4 spoilers in atsumu’s, i curse a lil

- a/n: one last fluff hc before february ends! i just wanted to do something short & sweet but then it evolved into this as always atsumu’s is too long. oh and ai (@/ luvnami) has a post very similar to tsumu’s so make sure to check it out too! kuroo’s is a sort of prequel to this post too. finally, are we surprised at my choice of characters to write at this point?

- sakusa kiyoomi

his love language is physical touch

PHEWW i know y’all weren’t expecting this

but let me explain myself

i abhor the fact that people think sakusa would detest touching his partner & that he wouldn’t act completely touch starved

so obviously, even getting him to talk to you was a whole quest and a half in and of itself but once he gets comfortable around you?

especially enough that he willingly spends time with you as your boyfriend?

you cannot tell me this man wouldn’t be completely cuddled up to you 24/7

“kiyooo” you sigh, “baby, you have practice right?”

he shakes his head, trying to trick you into spending more time with him, but by now you have his practice schedule memorized.

“c’mon, c’mon, up we go” you gently shove him off you and he pouts, “as much as i would love to stay like this forever, we both know you can’t be late to practice- especially with nationals right around the corner.” you grab his hand and lead him towards the gym.

“well maybe if you became a manager like i suggested, i would be more inclined to go to practice because i wouldn’t have to choose between my favorite things- you and volleyball.” he says with a pointed look in your direction.

you both stop in front of the gym and turn to face each other. “maybe if you do well enough at nationals, you might come back next year with a new manager, huh?” you unhook his mask and give him a slight peck. “i’ll see you tomorrow, okay babe?”

he pulls you in for a slightly longer kiss, “i was thinking more like tonight after practice, okay my love?”

you nod and shove him into the gym, where the smile on his face fades back into his signature scowl. you laugh slightly, he never will change, will he?

- miya atsumu

his love language is words of affirmation

i think this one was pretty obvious, but along with this is definitely physical touch

i mean we all know that tsumu is known for being clingy as hell but it’s cute so it’s fine

but words of affirmation- like we saw in s4, he was constantly left out, tbh borderline bullied by the other kids

sure, he always acted like it didn’t matter but that hurts, especially in middle school.

so having someone tell him they love him, that he’s great & all (at something other than volleyball), and that he’s enough? he’ll follow you to the moon and back.

as karasuno’s cheering section continues to roar with delight and the crows are on the brink of tears on the court, you can’t seem to take your eyes off a certain setter. you watch as he stands there, almost in denial. come on tsumu, you’re fine love, you think, silently cheering him on. you watch as he says something to the karasuno duo, and you smile slightly when he begins to argue with his brother.

as they line up, you stay a moment to make sure the goddamn cheering squad doesn’t say anything rude to the team who just poured their hearts out on that court. satisfied with their applause, you make your way down to the court. you wait for them to finish their team meeting before approaching your boyfriend.

“tsumu!” you yell, hoping to grab his attention. his head whips toward you and his smile widens.

“baby!!! you came!” he runs up to you with a grin but you realize his eyes aren’t lighting up the way they usually do.

“of course i did,” you scoff, “you think i’d miss this?” you grab his arm and drag him over to kita. “kita-san, i hope you don’t mind me stealing atsumu for the rest of the day?” he shakes his head and waves you off. your eyes lock for a single moment, but you receive the message loud and clear. take care of him, will you? you nod slightly before dragging your boyfriend out of the stadium.

the drive to your hotel was silent, the music keeping it from becoming awkward. the walk to your hotel room was slightly worse. you finally enter and force him to sit on the bed.

“babe, i- what?” he asks, confused and slightly flustered.

“nothing like that you idiot.” you slap him lightly on the head. “just wanna talk ‘s all.”

he avoids your gaze but you grab his chin, forcing him to look you in the eyes. “hey” you smile, “how do you feel, my love?”

by this point, he looks to be on the verge of tears. you pull him into your chest and he finally breaks down.

“you deserve so much better than a loser like me, doll. much much better than someone who practices all day and all night and still couldn’t manage to bring his team past their first day- a complete and utter failure.” he sobs lightly. you shush him and run your hands through his hair.

“ ‘mu, you know you’re so much more than that, right?” you ask softly. he opens his mouth to interrupt but you continue, “you have a natural talent for this sport, and a drive and ambition unlike anyone i know. you’re the absolute best boyfriend, and a good brother. you’ve learned to care for your teammates, and they’ve learned to love you for you, not just your skills. you’ve grown so much as a person that no one can call you a failure- ever. and if they do, send them to me.” you crack your knuckles and finish with a wink.

he chuckled lightly and pulls away from you. “i love ya, you know? i really don’t know what i did to be able to get a partner as perfect as you.” he ends with a kiss.

- ushijima wakatoshi

his love language is gifts

okay his is specifically giving gifts

not even extravagant gifts, just small knickknacks he sees that reminds him of u

he knows he isn’t the best with his words, so he tries to make up for it with these trinkets

you enter the gym and your eyes immediately lock on your boyfriend. you see tendou nudge him and point over in your direction, and you smile at the way his eyes soften. you walk over to the bench and give him a small kiss.

“hey toshi” you say with a smile, “i hope you don’t mind me coming over to watch you.”

“of course not, my love. your presence is a very welcome distraction” he answers, his eyes lighting up as he remembered something, “actually, it is very convenient timing.”

he pulls something out of his bag and hands it to you. he watches the way your eyes light up at the keychain and explains, “i remembered that you wanted something for us to match,” he pulls out a matching keychain, the lighter side of the yin and yang symbol, “so i got us this. i assumed you would want the darker side? unless i assumed wrong and you wish to switch?”

you kiss him once more, “it’s perfect, tosh, thank you.” you reply with a bright smile, the joy in your eyes evident. you kiss him a final time before gently nudging him back to the court, “i’ll be here, miracle boy.” you say, amusement and love shining in your eyes.

as wakatoshi walks back toward his best friend, he realizes that he’d do anything to make sure you look at him like that for the rest of your lives.

- kuroo tetsurou

his love language is quality time

okay so i hc kuroo as someone who wants to be with you 24/7

like while doing hw he would be facetiming you, walks you to classes, wants you to watch practice & brings you home after, etc.

he does this because it makes him feel like he’s knowing everything there is to know about you. he wants to understand each and every side to you cause he knows it will only make him love you more.

“babyyy” kuroo whined, “are you done yet?”

you sighed and answered, “like the last 5 times you asked, no. if you want to go to the party that bad, then you can go ahead. i’ll try to catch up.”

he scoffed, “and have to suffer without you? no thanks.”

“they’re your friends.” you deadpanned, irritation evident in your eyes.

“okay, but you’re much more interesting- easier on the eyes too.” he winked, “and besides, i’m going to have to stare at their ugly faces for a week.”

“and you’ll miss me” you chimed in.

he nodded, “and i’ll miss you. which is why you should just come with me to the training camp. just, i don’t know, pretend to be a manager? please?” he pleaded.

“you’ll be fine without me for a week, you idiot.” you sighed, rolling your eyes.

“it will be a week of hell.” he stated, “which is why i want to spend as much time as i can with you before i have to leave. and if that means sitting here while you do your homework, then so be it.”

[just-some-random-blogger]

Bootylicious

Stray Kids Bang Chan x Idol!Reader Summary: You're known as the gym rat in your group, and quite frankly, you only have two moods: shredding or chilling. This was why when you're not asleep in between schedules, you're spotted with a male idol you happened to meet in the gym you were at that day. It's a known fact though, that you and Bang Chan are gym buddies and each other's spotter. Word Count: 2k+ Warnings: Internet toxicity, sasaengs, vulgar language, sexism, misogyny, pining, fluff, mentions of Pentagon because why not <3, etc.

A/N: Girl, i shouldn't do this but I did. It's so funny to me someone requested this cause I have recently become an exercise junkie lol. Also, if you can't tell, there is a pov shift after the cut so yeah. I also wanted to keep the reader gender neutral but I want to write about how psychotically different people treat male and female idols because that stuff aint it. It's most definitely not what anon was expecting me to write but I hope they enjoy it nonetheless.

There's compilation in YT with growing parts centered around you flexing your physical fitness and prowess. It ranges from you affectionally touring your fans, which really meant the cameraman, through the gym, introducing your trainer, and doing your routine on camera, to your group (and others) both fawning and bragging about how strong and how hot you are.

CLIP #1: A scene from an interview of your group in Japan, struggling to talk about how you can do 40 straight push ups.

There was a male interviewer in a suit you could all faintly recognize was talking about your recent Instagram post of a gym mirror selfie.

One of your youngest members smirked and in broken Japanese, cutely said, "Wah, she does 100 push ups! Everyday, every night."

You snap your head to the maknae and raise your brows, "nani?" You begin to shake your hands in protest and begin to explain your truth, "absolutely not 100. Maybe around 40, but nooooo, not 100."

The interviewer and your group comically react in awe. The man in the suit urges, "can you show us?"

You give a face, "Excuse me, but I'm not getting paid to do that in this miniskirt."

Everyone, including the film crew, break into laughter.

CLIP #2: A scene from a variety show where you had to prove you were, in fact, yourself, by doing a shortened version of your exercise routine.

One of the hosts of the show asks, "Wait, do you honestly do all of this in your workout? Like you can do all of it?"

The list of your exercises were written on a colourful cardboard, held by the one who just spoke. It was a range of exercises in 10 sets, from jumping jacks to sit ups, to vague sounding exercises like crab pinches and robot arms.

You purse your lips at the last question asked of you, not really liking the tone in which it was asked. You answer quickly and nod proudly, "I actually do more, cause when I get in the zone and I'm already really sweaty, I feel like I should keep going until my whole body burns." You chuckle.

The older hosts, tilt their head and mutter lowly under their breath something along the lines of, "I'd rather die."

You finally do the routine, quickly, continuously, earning impressed reactions from everyone.

"That's hot," one of the hosts note.

"Ya, for some reason it looks easy to do."

The hosts begin to clamour at that statement, and force whoever said to do the exact thing you did. Clearly, they don't work out as much as you do and cannot even get halfway through it without stopping.

You break out into a breathless laugh in amusement of the comical attempt but then protest, explaining how bad it is to force yourself to do more than you can

CLIP #3: Pentagon, Hongseok especially, fawns over how fit you are

Trailing a conversation about how your group is close with Pentagon because your companies are situated closely to each other and you wind up eating together a lot, there is an anecdote about how there was a jar no one could open, no one but you, that is.

The interviewer asks no one in particular, "wah, none of you could open the jar? Really? Or did you all just pretend so she could open it?"

There is a chorus of answers concluding with, "no really, she was the only one that was able to open it."

The story is backed up by how the jar had a really small lid and some hands were too big. Then came an explanation how you were recently into the new rock climbing machine in your gym.

Hongseok speaks up, "I was invited to go to rock climbing in, like, an actual rock climbing place and I was honestly so surprised when she began to climb. She said she never actually tried rock climbing on a wall, but it seemed like she had been doing it for years."

Shinwon agrees, "Right, right. I was also really curious about what they did that day," he points to Hongseok, "that I joined them one time. I never felt so out of shape in my life. I just stayed back and filmed everything."

Pentagon laughs, and then agrees that you were exceptionally fast and just super fit in all honesty.

The interviewer catches Hongseok's expression then suddenly asks, "do you like a woman like that?"

"Yeah, I like my women strong."

Then came a lot of teasing remarks from Pentagon, and a plethora of complaints from delusional fans who did not want Hongseok to ever breathe in your direction again.

With all that's been said about that, in all the parts of this series floating around in the internet, one thing remained, there was a slightly larger population of impressed fans than the still large portion of antifans who wanted nothing to do with it and only came around to hate.

It's hard not to think about it, but even the slightest back handed compliment can sometimes linger in one's mind.

And right now, as much as I kept my mind on my counting as I finished my set high knees, I couldn't help but think of how much backlash I got from posting a post workout photo with my midriff exposed.

Apparently that was not only enough to merit hate for being both a whore and an attention whore, but people baselessly began to hate on my groupmates simply for being associated with me.

It's kind of sad really, how, say Wonho, can post a fairly exposed photo of himself and get so much praise for it, and yet I couldn't even do anything remotely close to that.

And I don't even mean to come at Wonho, we all know he's a beast at the gym and should be able to show as much of his hard work as he is comfortable in showing, but why can't I?

"Hey trooper. I thought you said you were only doing 80 counts?" a voice cracks me out of my train of thought.

I turn to whom spoke and chuckle at myself as I stop my leg raises, "ah yeah, I got lost in thought, and your really good song."

I pull on my earphones and give a lopside smile, "I love working out to God's Menu."

He gives a soft, "he he, thanks."

"No need for a thank you when I'm only giving my honest opinion, Chan."

"Yeah, well still, it makes my kokoro go doki-doki," he sniggers, crossing his arms and flashing a dimpled smile. I raise my upper lip and reel back, "EWWW!"

I playfully shove him. He acts hurt, "this is violence against children."

"Chan, you're literally older than me."

"That doesn't mean I'm not a child at heart."

"You mean, it doesn't mean you're not a drama queen."

"Hey, I have no interest in having a throne, my only interest is," he leans in and whispers, "you."

I feel my soul leave my body as he snorts to himself and runs away. I regurgitate in surprise, "YA!"

"You better do your next set properly," Chan says heading off to a cable row machine, "I'm always watching."

I try to ignore the blood rushing up your neck, "creep."

He shrugs, "rather that or have you get injured, sweet heart."

Yeah, Chan has saved me from a lot of injuries I could have had. It was a bad habit. It stemmed from the same thing that made me mess up my count a while ago, my overthinking.

Sometimes I thought of rather harmless things, but sometimes I began to fixate on the hate I received for simply being. I do a lot to get my mind to realize that they hated me simply because they could and because it was easy. Exercising helped tremendously, especially when I had someone fun to work out with, especially when I was with Chan. He just... made me feel safe, y'know.

But when the news of us being work out buddies surfaced, a lot of sasaengs came for me. Of course, a lot of Stays and my own fans were really kind about, speaking out that we were our own people and exercising together did not mean anything in particular really.

But some really went for it, and made it a hobby to comment on everything I was in that I was a slut for 'working out' with different men every day."

I let out a breath as I finish my routine. I catch my breath and go for a swig of my water. I take a moment then sit down by the mirror, which was near where Chan was currently working out.

"You're doing it again."

I turn from where I was blankly staring at turn to Chan who gave me a soft look, "you good?"

I release a sigh then purse my lips, "maybe."

He pouts, "what happened?"

I shrug and stand from where I sat, "you know, the usual."

Chan then comes up to me and takes my water bottle from me, "you know, no matter how much people say you don't need water to live, you can never change the fact that you are extremely dependent on water to live."

I look at him and half- heartedly point, "are you calling me thirsty?"

He begrudgingly groans and releases a chuckle. He calls my name out in a scolding tone. I feel myself relax, "I know what you're getting at Chan."

He nods, "good. I'll always be here to remind you of that."

I smile and feel an urge to hug him, "if you weren't so sweaty, I would totally hug you right now."

Chan then gives me a look then does not hesitate to crush me into his arms. I groan and whine in protest. He chuckles, "you literally just said you wanted a hug!"

"YOU'RE LITERALLY SO SWEATY. NO ONE WANTS THIS TORTURE."

Chan huffs and gives a wounded look, "hmp. You better spot me while I lift or else I'm unfriending you."

"Hmm... I think I'll be good without you as a friend."

I half expect Chan to whine about it, but he instead smirks, "ahhhh, you must want me to be your boyfriends so badly huh."

I- I mean...

CLIP #4: A crack edit of Chan when he gets asked about his gym relationship with me in Chan's Room.

He was looking through the questions and suddenly chuckles, his ears noticeably began to redden. Cue a zoom in of his face and his red ears. Cue a clip of Cardi B saying, "that's suspicious."

He says my name then continues, "am I close with her? Yeah. I would say I'm close with her-- and her whole group actually."

Captioned: Nice save, Chris.

"The kids and I are close with her group," he says, clearing his throat.

A clip of him clearing his throat is repeated about ten times.

Chan adjust the beanie he was wearing as he thinks of what he was going to say next, "we actually do work out together a lot because she's under a trainer that works with my trainer."

Captioned: Sure, Chan. That's the only reason, right?

Chan catches another question, "Is she a beast in the gym like Hongseok says?" He breaks into a laugh. He then rubs his cheek and grits his teeth.

A clip of someone saying, "Oh he's jealous," flashes on screen.

"Yeah," Chan finally says, "she's got a really high stamina."

Cue the clip, WHAT DID HE SAY?

Chan continues, "she can go between exercises without stopping. she doesn't even take that much time to catch her breath. In fact, she sings while exercising sometimes, which helps make her vocals stable."

Captioned: Queen Tingz.

The next thing that happens is Chan breaks into a laugh and begins to chuckle. He says, "Sorry I saw a funny comment."

Captioned: WHAT HE MEANS IS HE SAW A COMMENT SAYING 'SHUT UP CHRIS, YOU'RE WHIPPED."

Then came these comments:

LITERALLY LOOK AT HOW FLUFFY BANG CHAN GETS WHEN HE TALKS ABOUT HER DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME MY SHIP IS ALIVE

They are dating period. prove me wrong. you cant

Chan literally blushes over anything, buT HE TURNED INTO A TOMATO WHEN HE TALKED ABOUT HER BYE

if you hate on your faves loving each other, you most definitely need Jesus (:

PLEASE CAN YOU SEE HOW WHIPPED THEY ARE FOR EACH OTHER

Yeah... it's not been confirmed to this day.

[cuddlesslut]

Part One :Home

Atsumu x Reader(fem)

Summary: Atsumu Miya had always been your home. But what if things changed

Tags: Fluff, Angst, cheating

2k words

Part Two: Silence

Atsumu Miya showed you the most love and care. Being with him felt like you were home. And it’s funny because in the beginning you wanted absolutely nothing to do with the setter.

———

Seeing his hords of fan girls crowding his desk every morning made you want to gag mainly because it interfered with you claiming your own seat. Everyday it was the same when you were in high school. You’d make your way to class only to find you seat inaccessible. After finally being able to shoo away the path to your desk just in time for class to start you’d deal with Atsumu incessant chattering or what he’d refer to as flirting. You honestly didn’t understand how he thought those lame lines would work on anyone. But every class with out fail he’d always have some lame line to spew at you. It made no sense in your eyes why you out of the sea of girls and some boys he could pick from why did he have his sights set on you.

You paid no mind in the beginning rolling you eyes at all his advances. You figured it was just some game to him it’s not like any of what he said genuine at least not to you. Apparently the volleyball player thought these attempts were the most romantic things ever when he finally cornered you after class one.

“ Aye I have been trying my best to get your attention for the last month,” he said as he laid his hand on your desk trapping you in your place, “What’s y’er deal?” You cocked you head to the side in disbelief. Moving his arm to the side you stood straightening you paper to put in you bag. Turning back to face him.

“Miya-San you can’t actually expect me to believe that was your “best effort” in trying to win my affection” you chuckled. Atsumu there with a look of confusion dawning his (what you couldn’t deny) extremely handsome face. Decided to cut your fellow second year some slack you continued. “None of your lines were meaningful, you showed no authentic interest in me,” you gave him a soft smile starting to make your way out of the class room. You stopped at the door turning and presenting him with a wicked smile “ it won’t be that easy, make sure to give it y’er all next.” And with that you we’re gone leaving him in disbelief he’d never been turned down before. He gave a small laugh to no one but himself as he decided in that moment he’d do everything to make you his.

Sure enough he put his all into trying to win your heart. While he wasn’t rude to his fan girls he definitely didn’t indulge them as much which eased your morning commute to your desk. Next were the notes he would leave. The first few were longer and almost made you want to laugh your ass off they were his love letter to you that you could tell he tried to make sound poetic. ( failing epically) but still you send him a small smile and a nod in acceptance. The other were little notes, some stating small facts about what he liked about you or little jokes about the day. Next was the gifts he would leave you. Once it was a small flower, another time a candy bar, most recently a delicious piece of milk bread. All of these little tokens definitely grabbed your heart but the moment you knew you had fallen for him was the day after you came back to school after having a cold. After sitting in your seat next to him you saw him rummage through his bag he turned to you and present you with all the notes he had taken for you through your absence. Seeing this boy who’s mind only ever focus on volleyball and cared little for his own grade do this broke down all your wall. You stared at the notes for a moment before leaning over and place a small kiss to his cheek. A blush crept up both of you faces. And from that moment forward you were his.

———

But that was then. It was now six years later and not only was Atsumu Miya your home he was also your fiancé. You had each been there for each other through everything. You were there through nationals and comforted him through his loss. You were there with him to celebrate every win. He stood by you side as you stared college and you stayed by his side as he joined the professional league. Through the years you had your highs and lows but your love for him never wavered. Not through the distance his job would bring and the scheduling conflict with your schooling and his training. In the end none of that mattered to you because you were his and he was yours. The nights you spent in each other’s arm were the best thing you could have ever wished for.

As of recently though even if he was your home. You were beginning to feel less like his. It started with small things like extra practice which wasn’t anything you werent used to Atsumu had the habit of over working himself. You don’t say anything yet because you knows he gotten better and knows his limits. It progresses to though he’s becoming more distant always heading straight to bed after meals.

“Hey Tsumu wanna watch a movie tonight?” You smile weakly from the couch.

“Not tonight YN I’m really tired,” he reply’s placing a small kiss on your forehead as he head to bed.

It doesn’t stop there although you wish it would. He starts being out later claiming to have extra practice. But you notice the smell of alcohol on his breath when he climbs into bed believing you are asleep. And honestly you wish you would be alseep so maybe some nights you wouldn’t see the signs. The next clue was when he now put a lock on his phone. Something he had never done before. But still you don’t question him. The “late practices” become more frequent and it more often he gone than when he’s around.

Part of you wants to complain to you friends but for one your friends were his friends after spending so long together it’s hard for your lives not to be connected in such ways and two if you do it will make it all to real. You aren’t stupid. You know the truth you know the one reasons you both haven’t been intimate lately is because his body has marks on it from another. You realized that when you had gone into the bathroom real quick while he was showering. It was the tiniest glance but you still saw the scratches on his back that weren’t left by you. Yet you still say nothing and you doubt he realizes you saw them.

You aren’t ready for this to be real. You aren’t ready for your home to be gone. Tomorrow is your birthday and your hoping that this will be it . Tomorrow you will both spend the day together like you used to you’ll laugh and smile everything will be right. Everything will go back to the way it was. Even though deep down you know the truth. And the truth is that you’ve cried yourself to sleep every night the past month wondering where you went wrong. Wondering how you weren’t good enough. Wondering what you should have done to make him stay. But he’s never home to see those tear you cry.

The next morning you wake and go to start some breakfast leaving Atsumu in bed. You wonder when he got home but you know it doesn’t matter. You hear the shower start as you made your coffee. Shortly after the setter appears wearing his training clothes and his duffel bag packed. “ I’m heading to the gym,” he states giving you a quick peck to the temple before heading to the door. Those little kisses always cause your heart to squeeze in hope. He doesn’t wait for a response as he leaves. A sigh leaves you lips as you realize he hadn’t said anything to you about your birthday. You shake your head and fool yourself into thinking he’ll surprise you later.

You continued you day getting little birthday messages from friends and family. Osamu had a box of Onigiri sent to you for lunch with a note saying Happy Birthday. You have a nice call with your best friend Suna and he tells you he’ll come see you soon to celebrate. You were on the phone with Suna longer than you expected seeing the time now said 5:37. After ending the call you see one missed messaged from Tsmu 💕 : practicing late tonight don’t wait up.

You heart stops. He really forgot. You really mean that little that he forgot your birthday. It was the final straw. Although part of your body wanted to break down into sobs you remained calm as though working on auto pilot. Slowly you make your way to your room grabbing your luggage and started packing all of your essentials and anything you couldn't bare to leave behind not knowing if you’d have the courage to return. After finally loading your car it was now 7:20. You knew you shouldn’t that you’d only get hurt more but you pulled out your phone and did something you never could bring yourself to do before. You checked his location. A chuckle leaves your lips as you see he’s at your favorite restaurant. The one you both loved so much and had spent countless anniversaries dinners at. Not thinking you run back into your condo that you shared with the twin. You dug to the back of you closest and quickly change into one of your favorite dresses. Your hair was already nice and you didn’t need much make up so as you finished getting ready you left. Heading straight to the restaurant.

You can’t say for sure what cause you to want to go there. Maybe a small part of yourself needed to see it. But sure enough you can’t mistake that yellow hair sitting toward the back of the restaurant is your fiancé with another woman. His back is to you and her attention is all on him enraptured in whatever garbage he’s spewing. In that moment a calm rage settles over you. You look at the hostess and requested a table a little ways away from them one where your still out of his view. As you sit you place an order for a glass of wine still setting up how you want to approach this. Then an daring thought crosses your mind. You called for your waitress.

“Excuse me but you see that couple over there,” you said motioning towards them. “Yes ma’am” she nods. “Well that’s my best friend over there and I really love to do something nice for them it’s their birthday!” The waitress smiles as you explain your plan. You sit and wait as you sip your wine when finally the waitress walks over to their table.

“Hi” the waitress greets them before setting down the dessert. A look of confusion crosses their faces and you can’t help but grin. Atsumu smiles politely before looking down at the cake. His smile drops immediately as he read the cake “Happy Birthday YN”. You giggle as you see the panic in his eyes. “I’m sorry we didn’t order this,” the unknown woman states to the waitress. You can see the waitress smile as she points to your table an explains your friend ordered it for you. You not quite sure how to explain the emotions written on Atsumu’s face as he watches you walk up the table.

“Y-YN,” he stutters. You can see the look of confusion on the girls face and for moment you feel sorry for her maybe she was just as clueless as you. “Hi Tsmu,” you smile leaning over to take a bite of your birthday cake. “Mmm Chocolate, delicious,” you smiled before looking him dead in the eyes as you removed your engagement ring and dropped it in his glass of champagne. “You can have this back,” you state bitterly before turning around and handing your waitress a big bill to cover your drink the cake and a nice tip. You start to walk of as you hear him call for you. But you refuse to turn back. You know your moment of strength is fading and you won’t let him see you tears. So you keep walking straight to you car and drive away. Not sure where to go. You just left your home.

This my first time writing angst and also my fist time writing in a while.

Also unedited

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[lostinthewiind]

Forget Me Not: Part 3

Ushijima Wakatoshi, Sawamura Daichi, Bokuto Kōtarō, Oikawa Tōru, Kuroo Tetsurō - Haikyuu

Synopsis: five years after graduating high school, you’re invited to Kiyoko and Tanaka’s wedding and find yourself back in Japan. Surrounded by your old classmates and volleyball buddies once again, not only are old friendships rekindled, but old feelings start to resurface as well. Did five years change you and your friends too much, or did it change you all just enough?

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Warnings: female!reader, aged-up characters, female anatomy, male anatomy, shower sex, oral sex (female receiving), unprotected sex

Previous → Part 2

Next → Part 4

When the bright rays of the sun that had managed to sneak through the crack in the thick hotel room curtains had begun to shine in your face, you finally gave in to the day and rolled over in bed to look at the clock.

It was almost noon and you were still in bed, which was a rare treat for you even on vacation. Normally, you would be out and about and fitting in as many activities as you could during your stay. This time around, however, you were content with playing each day by ear and taking it easy.

Staring up at the ceiling, you soon found yourself thinking about your date with Daichi the other night. Since then, he had called you and texted a few times, but the two of you hadn't been able to arrange another chance to see each other as his work schedule was incredibly hectic at the moment.

Below the surface, a part of you ached to just tell him to come to your hotel room whenever he got off work next—whether it be 4pm or 4am—and just stay in bed together until his next shift started.

The rational part of you knew, however, that that idea would only serve to make things more difficult for you in the long run. At the end of your allotted time off, you would have to go back home and return to your life; and neither you nor Daichi was foolish enough to give everything up just because you had had sex once.

The sound of your cell phone ringing from the bedside table broke you free from your thoughts and you grabbed the device without looking at the caller ID, expecting it to be Daichi or Kiyoko since they seemed to be the only ones calling you lately.

"Hello?" You spoke into your phone as you crawled out of bed, made your way to the curtains, and pulled them open.

"Y/N!" a bright voice replied as the warm sunlight poured into the hotel room. You could recognize that cheery, joyous voice anywhere.

Sliding open the balcony door and stepping outside, you smiled softly to yourself. "Bokuto," you replied. "How are you?"

"I'm good, I'm good. Listen, there was a scheduling mix-up at our gym and practice got cancelled today. And I was thinking, with it being such a beautiful day and the fact that I now have the whole day off, we should go to the beach!"

"The beach?" you asked, making sure you heard him right. "Goodness, I haven't been to a beach in . . . years, I think."

"Me either! And don't forget, you agreed to play some volleyball with me before you left so you can't really say no."

Rolling your eyes playfully, you sighed. "I didn't mean beach volleyball, Bo."

Bokuto's hearty laugh filled your ear and you couldn't help but feel like today was going to be a good day. "So are you in or not?"

Turning away from the balcony and looking back at your suitcase inside, you vaguely remembered packing a swimsuit to use in the hotel's hot tub. "All right, I'm in."

Excitement bubbled from Bokuto as soon as you agreed and you had to break through his rambling in order to calm him down long enough to give you a place and a time.

Once you had agreed to meet up at Kasai Kaihin Park Beach in about an hour, you started getting ready to head out and had completely forgotten about Daichi and worrying about what to do about your situation with him.

Thankfully, if there was one thing Bokuto was good for, it was having a good time and distracting you from all of your problems.

Arriving at the beach, it didn't take long for you to spot Bokuto among the crowd. Even if his silver and black hair didn't already make him stand out like a sore thumb, the fact that he was significantly bigger and a lot taller than anyone else made him nearly impossible to miss.

That, and the fact that he had already found a group of guys to sucker into playing a game of beach volleyball with; and if there was one thing that made Bokuto even more energetic than usual, it was when he was playing volleyball.

As you sauntered over, you remained silent and watched him play. Despite the fact that beach volleyball was much harder than court volleyball, he seemed to manage no problem. Sweaty skin and bulging muscles that glimmered in the sunlight made him a sight to behold to anyone with the ability of sight, and thus he and the other men had accumulated a rather large crowd of female spectators.

Waiting until there was a natural pause in the game, you continued to watch for a little while, enjoying the game just like everyone else. Calling for the ball, Bokuto leapt as high as he could into the air, kicking up sand all around himself in the process, and spiked the ball down hard onto the other side of the court.

Immediately, a group of teenage girls began to cheer and the rest of the crowd followed suit. You had always known that Bokuto had grown into a spectacle of a man, and the fact that he was a professional athlete didn't hurt his reputation either, but you had never witnessed him draw in so many strangers before.

"I sure hope you didn't invite me out here to watch you play volleyball with your new friends all day!" you finally shouted to catch his attention, beach bag slung over your shoulder and sunglasses blocking the harsh rays from your eyes.

Hearing your voice, Bokuto excused himself from the game, promising he would return, and ran over to you. "Sorry," he laughed. "I didn't even notice you had arrived."

"Yes, well, how could you possibly pick me out among all of these faces?" You gestured to the fact that there were people, most of which were women, gathered all around the beach court. "I should have known better before agreeing to go out into public with a celebrity."

Bokuto's face flushed red and he smiled wide. "A celebrity? Me? Nah, people just love a good beach volleyball game."

You cocked a brow and smirked. "Is it the game they like, or the players?" You subtly eyed him from head to toe, praying he didn't notice when your gaze lingered on the swim trunks that sat low on his hips and the noticeable v-line that naturally drew your eyes downward before disappearing underneath the thin fabric.

"Well, come on." Bokuto wrapped his hand around your wrist and pulled you along the beach to where he had set up his stuff. Either he hadn't noticed you staring or had simply chosen to ignore it, but you appreciated the topic change nevertheless. "It's really hot out today, so I'm sure you want to get into the water as soon as possible."

Putting down your bag and spreading your towel out beside Bokuto's, you nodded. "Yeah, it's been so long since I've gotten to swim in an ocean. I'm actually kind of excited," you admitted as you began to pull your shirt over your head, thankful that you had decided to wear your bathing suit under your clothes, which saved you a trip to the crowded changing rooms.

As you continued to undress, you waited for Bokuto to respond with something, but he didn't. Shimmying your shorts down your legs and kicking them off with your foot, you looked up at Bokuto and were surprised to find him just standing there, watching you. You imagined this is what you must have looked like ogling him earlier.

"Bo?" you cocked your head to the side as you stood upright, revealing the entirety of your bikini. "You okay?"

Shaking his head, as if he were trying to shake out any indecent thoughts that may have surfaced, Bokuto cleared his throat and flashed a toothy grin. "Do you need any help with your sunscreen?" He nodded his head toward the bottle sticking out of your bag.

Picking up the bottle, you squirted some on your hands to spread onto your arms and legs before handing it to him. "If you could do my back, that would be awesome," you told him. "Whenever I try to do it myself, I always end up missing a spot."

As you spread the sunscreen over your arms, you suddenly felt a pair of cold hands on your back and jumped a little. Instantly, Bokuto stilled his hands. "Sorry, I should have warned you," he apologized before slowly starting to spread the cream over your back. "Is this okay?"

You felt a shiver crawl up your spine when he pushed his thick fingers under the straps of your bikini top and weren't sure that your reaction was completely from the temperature of the sunscreen. Slowly, he worked his way down your back, his hands gliding down your sides and fingertips brushing along your spine. Finally, he did your lower back, and you didn't miss the subtle sensation of him pushing the tips of his fingers just under the hem of your bottoms.

"All done," he spoke softer than he had the entire time you two had been together. When he pulled his hands away, you found yourself missing his touch for some reason. Maybe it was because his touch reminded you of your evening with Daichi, or maybe it was for a different reason altogether that you didn't even want to try and decipher.

"Thanks." You slowly spun around to face him and took the bottle from him. You could still feel the remnants of his touch on your back and were unsure if it was obvious from the look on your face, so you opted to try to push the thought from your head and focus on having a good time. "I'm seriously going to burn alive if we stand here much longer. I'm heading to the water. You coming?"

Facial expression changing on a dime from something completely unreadable to his usual boyish excitement, Bokuto followed after you eagerly. "Of course! Lead the way."

Just like that, the tension—sexual or otherwise—that had been lingering in the air between the two of you had dissipated. As you made your way to the shore, you tied your hair up and out of your face and giggled when the cold water lapped against your toes. "I always forget how cold the ocean is." You winced a little.

"You just have to take the plunge!" Bokuto exclaimed before rushing past you and diving headfirst into the water. With wide eyes, you watched his figure disappear underneath the water before he popped up a few meters away, his usual spiked hair laying flat against his forehead and dripping.

"You're insane!" you laughed, taking your time as you slowly waded into the water. "I'm absolutely not doing that."

Arms out toward you, Bokuto gestured for you to come to him. "Awh, you're no fun." He stuck his bottom lip out in an exaggerated pout. By the time you got out to him, the water was at your chest and you had gotten used to the temperature.

"I am plenty of fun," you retorted. "I'm just not crazy. There's a difference."

"Oh, yeah?" He dropped down onto his knees so he was eye-level with you. "What do you do for fun these days?"

"Hmm," you hummed as you thought. "Well, I do still play volleyball sometimes, but just with a small group of people at the local community center. I like to hike and travel. When I have time, I read the occasional book. I'm a hoot."

Bokuto chuckled. "Yeah, sounds like it. Remember in high school when we all used to go driving at 2am? Now that was fun!"

"We were 17. We could find amusement out of just about anything." You reasoned. "But, yes, it was fun. I do miss those days."

"Me too." Bokuto agreed. "But, you know, we could still do stuff like that . . . if you still lived here, that is."

You furrowed your brows at him and tried to ignore the golden puppy dog eyes he was sending your way. "You better not have invited me out today just to try and guilt trip me into moving back."

"So you're saying it won't work?"

Folding your arms over your chest, you shook your head. "We're adults now. It's healthy to move on and live our own lives."

"You didn't answer the question." He drifted closer to you before splashing you lightly with the cold water. "You really think you can resist these big, beautiful eyes? It used to work on you all the time."

"I told you, I'm an adult now. I moved on." You smirked. "It doesn't work anymore."

Bokuto continued to inch closer and closer, his bright, golden eyes never leaving yours. "You moved on from me?"

Your breath caught in your throat and suddenly, the water that you had grown accustomed to felt freezing. "N-no, that's no-" you started, but were cut off by shouting from the sand.

"Hey, buddy!" One of the guys Bokuto was playing volleyball with earlier was waving to him. "We're starting up another game. You want in?"

Before answering, Bokuto turned to you, his eyes just as bright as before but somehow, there was something missing; it didn't feel the same as when he had been looking at you before. "You promised a game." He quirked an eyebrow at you hopefully.

Once again, you let the topic change flow naturally and shrugged your shoulders. "I'm not going to get out of playing, am I?"

"Nope." Bokuto grinned, popping the P.

"Fine."

Bokuto fist-pumped the air, which filled your chest with a joyous feeling, and he turned back to the guy. "Got room for my friend?"

The guy's eyes shifted from Bokuto to you and you didn't miss the way he looked over as much of your body as he could. "Yeah, for sure!" he answered shortly after. "The more the merrier!"

Having clearly missed the man's extended eye contact with your chest due to how excited he was, Bokuto wasted no time in dragging you out of the water and toward the court that had been drawn in the sand. As soon as the two of you arrived, the four other men introduced themselves to you and two teams of three were made.

You and Bokuto ended up on the same team, which made you feel a tad less nervous considering it had been a while since you had played a real game of volleyball and even longer since you had attempted beach volleyball.

When the game began, it didn't take long for it to become apparent that you were the weak link on the team. Bokuto, as sweet as he was, continued to set to you as best he could so you could attempt to spike. The sand, however, was really fighting you and more often than not, you ended up stumbling or missing the ball altogether.

After missing yet another set, you shook your head as you dusted some sand off of your legs. At this point, you were more of a hindrance than a help. "You'd never guess I played volleyball all throughout high school and was even the captain," you chuckled. "Sorry, guys."

"No worries, sweetheart." The other guy on your team, whose name you had already forgotten, smiled at you. "The sand takes some getting used to."

You bushed slightly at the nickname. "Yeah, I didn't expect it to be so different from playing on a court. My leg muscles aren't nearly strong enough."

"Nonsense." He waved off your statement. "A few more games and you'll be a pro."

You chuckled at the confidence he had in you, completely missing the way that Bokuto was glaring at the two of you as you conversed casually. Eventually, he cleared his throat. "My serve," he said. "Get ready."

Throwing the ball high into the air, Bokuto served the ball to the other team and when they received it, you got ready for when they would eventually hit it back to your side. Watching carefully, you tried your best not to trip over your own feet.

You observed the other team's setter, but when he turned his set into a setter dump at the last second, you dove for the ball and ended up missing it by a fingertip's length. "Damnit," you sighed, looking up at the other team's setter. "Nice dump."

"Nice try." A hand appeared in front of your face and you took it without hesitation. "You almost had it," the other man from your team said as he helped you to your feet and brushed some sand from your stomach. "Next time for sure."

As the game continued, and the gap in points grew larger and larger thanks to you, the guy on your team continued to flirt with you. Warm smiles, gentle touches, words of encouragement. It was harmless, at least that's what you thought, but Bokuto had a different take on the matter.

With one point left until the other team won, Bokuto was up next to serve again. Like usual, he tossed the ball up into the air and smacked it as hard as he could, but instead of going over the net, the ball hit the other guy on your team in the back of the head.

"Oh, my God!" you gasped as you watched the man fall forward from the force of the hit.

While the other team celebrated their victory, you rushed over to the man to see if he was okay. "Are you all right?" you asked him, holding your hand out to help him up.

"Fuck, that hurt like a bitch," he cursed, rubbing the back of his head. He reached out to take your hand, but before he could, Bokuto wrapped his fingers around your wrist hard and started dragging you away.

"Bo!" You tried to pry your arm out of his grip, but it was much too tight. After several attempts to get him to stop dragging you or say something, you stopped dead in your tracks. "Bokuto, what are you doing?!" You demanded an answer. "You're hurting my arm!"

Turning to face you, Bokuto's expression seemed to soften at your words and he let go of your wrist. Staring down at the red marks he had left on your skin, he sucked in a sharp breath. "Shit, I'm sorry," he apologized. "I just . . . I'm sorry."

"What's gotten into you?" you inquired as you started toward where you had left your stuff. "You've been an emotional rollercoaster all day long. Even more so than usual."

Hanging his head, obviously regretting his impulsive actions, Bokuto just sighed. "I . . . I don't know."

You waited for him to elaborate but he didn't. "Well, then I'm going to go shower and rinse off all of this sand," you told him as you grabbed your bag. "Then probably head back to my hotel. I'm tired and it's getting late anyway."

"Oh, okay." Bokuto seemed dejected but you weren't sure what else you were supposed to say or do. You swam, you played volleyball, and at this point, you didn't think that sitting and talking was in the cards for the two of you. "I'll wait here then."

With that, you took off toward the changing rooms and showers. Walking there, you noticed that a lot of the towels that had been laid out on the sand when you had first arrived were now gone. When you entered the usually packed changing rooms, you were pleasantly surprised to find that they were actually pretty empty. Aside from a small group of friends, you were alone.

Picking a spot on one of the benches, you laid out your clothes to change into before picking one of the many empty shower stalls and turned on the water. Glad that the shower water was much warmer than the ocean, you stepped under the stream with your bathing suit still on and began to rinse away the sand from your hair and body.

At some point, while you were showering, the group of women had left, leaving you completely alone in the changing rooms. Sighing quietly, you thought back on the events of that day, trying to piece together what had gotten into Bokuto all of a sudden during the volleyball game. Had he been pissed that you guys had been losing? Was he mad that you were utter trash at beach volleyball? You had tried to warn him before, but then again, it wasn't just the volleyball incident that had been a little off. All afternoon he had been switching between being serious and quieter than normal and his usual eccentric self.

Hearing the door opening with a soft squeak, you pulled yourself from your worries and got ready to turn off the water and get changed. As you reached for the tap, however, a hand pulled back the curtain on the shower stall and you let out a startled shriek.

"Hey, hey, hey, it's only me." Bokuto held a hand out in front of himself in defence as he tried to calm you down.

Realizing the intruder was a familiar face, you narrowed your eyes at Bokuto. "Bo, what are you doing in here?! This is the women's changing rooms!"

"I know, I know, but I made sure that no one else was in here before I entered."

"Well, you better leave! What if someone else comes in?"

"They won't. I locked the door."

Your hand slowly slid off of the metal shower tap. "Why did you lock the door?"

"Because I didn't want anyone to interrupt."

"Interrupt what?"

"This." He closed the gap between the two of you, one hand cupping the side of your face and the other grabbing your waist, and kissed you hard.

At first, you were completely taken by surprise by the kiss, but as Bokuto's hands roamed your body and that familiar feeling sent adrenaline through you, like with the sunscreen incident, you melted into his touch. Standing under the warm water with him while his touch sent shivers up your spine, the balance of hot and cold was intoxicating.

As he pulled away from the kiss, his golden eyes staring into yours once more, he ran the pads of his thumbs over your cheeks. "I'm sorry," he breathed. "When I saw that guy flirting with you and touching you I just . . . I lost it a little. I'm sorry."

Your lips parted slightly and as your own hand reached up to brush some of his wet hair out of his eyes, you swore your body moved on its own. "Why did it bother you that he was flirting with me?"

Bokuto exhaled sharply, almost like a laugh. "I think that's pretty obvious by now," he said, his lips still inches away from yours. "I'm head over heels for you, Y/N. I've got you back now and I'd be an idiot if I let you go again."

You wanted nothing more than to lean into him and engulf him in another kiss, but before you did, you had one last question on your mind. "So when you asked earlier if I had moved on from you . . .?"

"I was asking if you still thought about me like I think about you."

"I do." The words left your mouth before you had a chance to process them and they shocked you just as much as they did Bokuto.

His eyes flashed with a hopeful sparkle. "You do?"

"I do," you repeated.

Before you could say another word, Bokuto's lips were on yours again and he was backing you into the cold tile of the shower wall. "I think about you so much it drives me crazy," he spoke between the kisses that he was trailing along your jaw and down your neck. "Back in high school I used to think about kissing you all the time, but I never could."

Peering down at the man who was slowly lowering himself onto his knees before you, you swallowed hard. "Because you all had a crush on me in high school?" You couldn't believe you had just asked that, but now that it was out there, you ached for an answer.

Bokuto slowly pried his lips away from your lower stomach, just above your bikini bottoms. "How did you know?"

"Kiyoko told me at the wedding," you replied. "Is it true?"

Fingers hooking under your bottoms, Bokuto gently and agonizingly slowly began to pull them down your legs. "Yes." He pressed a kiss to your thigh. "We all wanted you, so out of respect for one another, and you, we agreed that neither of us could have you."

You felt a knot tighten in your stomach. So Kiyoko had been right. She had been telling the truth. All of your male friends from high school had been harbouring crushes on you for the entire time you had been together. You didn't know what made you feel weirder, the fact that neither of them had ever told you how they really felt, or the fact that you had never been able to figure it out for yourself.

You opened your mouth to say something else but Bokuto chose that moment to hook one of your legs over his shoulder and press and wet, open-mouthed kiss to your inner thigh. You inhaled sharply and tangled your fingers in his wet hair.

"Bo . . ." You waited for him to look at you before continuing. "Do you really want to do this?"

"God, yes," he answered without a second of hesitation. "I want you so bad that my entire body throbs with anticipation whenever I look at you. But more than anything, I want you to want me too. Do you want this?"

"I do," you told him, guilt playing at the tip of your tongue. You wanted to confess, but you also didn't want to ruin the moment. "But . . ."

Bokuto licked a stripe from your mid-thigh to your pussy before flicking his tongue over your clit without warning. "But?" he coaxed, a smirk playing at the corner of his mouth when he watched you tilt your head back and moan at his actions.

"But I . . . I slept with Daichi," you admitted, a mix of relief and regret instantly filling you afterwards. "The other day, we went to dinner and we had sex."

Surprisingly enough, this didn't seem to bother Bokuto at all. If anything, it only encouraged him more as he buried himself into your core, nose rubbing against your clit as he ran his tongue between your folds. "Do you love him?" he inquired casually.

"What? No." You shook your head, struggling to get words out without letting moans and groans escape as well. "No, nothing like that. I just thought you should know before we go any further. D-do you still want to do this?"

Bokuto's actions spoke for themselves as he continued to eat you out with fervour, but nevertheless, he still responded with words. "We're adults now." He used your earlier words for his own benefit. "If he hasn't claimed you as his own, then I don't care if you've slept with him a hundred times before now. It doesn't ruin this for me one bit. Nothing could."

"Okay," was all you could think to say.

"Okay." He looked up at you once more. "So just relax and let me make you feel good. Please let me have this . . . let me have you."

You just nodded.

Large hands finding their way to your hips, Bokuto dug his fingers into your soft flesh as he dove back into your pussy with his face, tongue flicking over your clit over and over again before occasionally sucking the sensitive bud between his teeth. In mere seconds, you were nothing more than putty in his hands.

"Oh, Bo," you moaned out, your soft voice echoing off of the tile walls. Tangling his short hair between your fingers, you used the leg that was draped over his shoulder to pull him in closer. You wanted to feel more of him; as much as humanly possible.

"Just as sweet as I had imagined," Bokuto pulled away from you for a split second and licked his lips before resuming his work. "Please cum on my tongue. I want to taste all of you."

The mixture of Bokuto's words and actions was enough to have you seeing stars, and after another minute or so of him attacking your clit with his mouth and muttering filthy but beautiful things into your core, you were coming undone before him. Legs shaking, you clung to him for support as the waves of pleasure rocked through your entire body.

Bokuto licked up your juices hungrily. Wet, slurping sounds filled the shower stall, only to be heard by the two of you before being drowned out by the sound of the running water. His tongue circled your clit, lapped at your folds, and ran along your inner thighs to catch every last drop of your release.

As your muscles began to relax and you felt as though you were going to collapse onto the shower floor, Bokuto stood up and in one fluid motion, grabbed both of your legs and wrapped them around his hips. "Can I fuck you now?" he asked as he kissed and nipped at the nape of your neck.

Exhausted from being out in the sun all afternoon and from just experiencing one of the best orgasms of your life, you nodded lazily. "Be gentle," you told him in a whisper as you wrapped your arms around his neck.

"I will," he assured you as he pulled his cock free from his swim shorts and lined himself up with your entrance. "I'm going to make sure to savour every second of this." He prodded you with the tip of his cock, testing the waters. When you responded positively with a soft whimper, he began to sheath himself inside of you slowly.

"Holy fuck." He buried his face in your neck and you could tell it was taking every ounce of strength he had to not lose himself in you completely. With how big and strong he was, you knew he could make quick work of you should he so please, so it was obvious he was holding himself back for your sake.

When he finally bottomed out and let out a hiss into your ear, you dug your nails into his back and gave an experimental roll of your hips. Arching your back off of the tile wall, you used your body the best you could to entice him into giving you more of himself. "I know I said gentle, but you don't have to hold back so much." You pulled his head out of your neck and kissed him hard. "Fuck me how you've imagined it all these years, Bo."

You watched as a mischievous glint sparkled in his eyes. "You sure?" You could hear the hope in his tone.

"Positive."

Hands moving from your thighs to your ass, Bokuto squeezed hard as he pulled out of you all the way before slamming back in with as much force as he could muster. It stung a little when your back smacked into the tile wall, but the pain only helped to heighten the pleasure.

"It's just us in here." Bokuto reminded you, never slowing his pace for even a second. "Scream for me. Please scream my fucking name."

"B-Bo," you moaned out, the erotic nature of the public sex driving you to be more reckless than you normally would be. "Kōtarō." You used his first name, something you had only done once or twice before, and never like this.

Bokuto's hips stuttered slightly and you swore his grip on you faltered for half a second. "F-fuck," he grunted. "I could cum just hearing you cry out my name like that. Do it again."

"Bokuto!"

"No." He crashed his mouth into yours, teeth biting your bottom lip as he pulled away. "My given name."

"Kōtarō," you said again, this time quieter than before but it still seemed to have the same effect.

"Yes, fuck yes." He adjusted his grip on you quickly, his pace speeding up ever so slightly. "My name sounds so good when you say it like that. Say it again."

"Kōtarō."

"Again."

"Kōtarō."

Every time he demanded you say his name again, you got louder and louder until you were screaming at the top of your lungs while he muttered into the crook of your neck, a mixture of expletives and warnings that he wasn't going to last much longer.

"I'm gonna cum," you told him, holding him close as you felt the pleasure beginning to build up and threaten to overflow inside of you.

"Not yet." Bokuto stared at you hard as the stream of water rushed over his face. "I'm close. Wait for me."

Unsure if you would actually be able to hold off for much longer, you nodded anyway and tried to relax the tightening muscles in your core that were on the brink of spasming any second.

Close to his own release as well, Bokuto hunkered down and put everything he had into his few final thrusts. When he finally felt himself letting go, he devoured your mouth with his own. "Cum now," he demanded into your mouth, voice low and gruff as he pulled out and came onto your lower stomach and thighs. "Please cum with me." His hold on you loosened a little as he rode out his high, and once he was finished, he pushed his soft cock back inside, desperate to feel you come undone around him. ". . . please."

At the sound of his soft pleas, you let your looming orgasm take over and melted at the ruined whimpers that fell from Bokuto's lips every time your walls tightened around his sensitive cock.

Once you had both finished, Bokuto spun the two of you around so his back was pressed against the wall and slid down the wet tile into a limp pile of tangled limbs with you still wrapped around him.

"Even better than I imagined." You heard him mumble to himself and couldn't help but giggle softly.

Even though you knew that you should get dried off, changed, and out of the changing rooms before someone called maintenance to come and unlock the door, all you could manage to do was snuggle deeper into Bokuto's warm, comforting embrace.

"Next time you want to spend time with me like this, just tell me," you said, eyes dangerously close to closing and not opening again until you had gotten some rest. "Just please don't make me play any more beach volleyball."

Bokuto laughed, his chest rumbling and sending vibrations through your body. "Okay," he agreed. "Now that the secret is out though, I don't have to worry about tiptoeing around my feelings for you any longer."

"I know you said you had a crush on me." You lifted your head so you could look Bokuto in the eyes. "But just so there aren't any misunderstandings, do you still feel the same way or was this just some fantasy come to fruition?"

Hands cupping your face, Bokuto ran his thumbs along your cheeks again. "Y/N, I loved you in high school and I love you now. I want you now just like I wanted you then. Nothing has changed for me."

Your heart skipped a beat. "You . . . love me?"

As much as the word startled you, it didn't seem to faze Bokuto in the slightest. "If you'll let me."

[graykageyama]

dream come true.

synopsis: when you fall in love, you fall in love deep. they become your world, while you became theirs. they’re your dream, and you are theirs. but all it takes is a change of heart to change the courses of your dreams, and maybe only one dream can come true. 

pairing: Suna x reader

genre: angst

word count: 3k +

Part 2: but you were my dream, too

“And then Atsumu never saw it coming. So he was running from his fangirls right? He ran like he was running away from an apocalypse. As stupid as he is, he never saw it coming. He ran straight to the gym and when he opened the door, he triggered the trap. Dude, got the whole floor wet.” Suna laughed hard as he tells you about his day - well trying as he can barely get the words out.

You glance towards his direction and you just cannot believe that this man is your boyfriend - he looks so ethereal under the glow of the street lamps lighting your way home before the dusk completely envelops both of you. With his gym bag slung over his shoulder and his other hand warming yours, his head tilted back as he tried to catch his breath, this was another rare moment where Suna -your Suna Rintarou- is completely carefree, defenseless and well, just him. His piercing, slanted eyes which usually intimidates most people, are now closed. Even with his awkward hair style still damp from practice, and hunched-over posture, you still think of him as your Mr. Perfect.

You’ve been  together since the start of your third year in high school, and honestly, this is so far your best year. Being friends with him and the twins since first year of highschool, you can’t help but to just fall for him. Despite his usually cold persona, he is always so sweet to you. He makes sure to walk you home everyday, since he always asks you to watch him at practice. It’s amazing really, how he can transform to this scary, intimidating middle blocker into an adorable fox always seeking for your affections. He loves it when you hand his towel, or maybe dry his hair with your gentle touches. You know he secretly loves how you cheer for him even in practice games. You also know to yourself that you would want to do these things for him even in the far future. Even if it would mean you would have to sacrifice your dreams to become Suna’s perfect wife, you know that you’re going to stay with him for the rest of your life. To become Suna’s number one fangirl is now your dream.

“Y/N?” Suna calls out, interrupting your thoughts. “Watch this. Ain’t he stupid?”He laughs again as he shows you the video clip of Atsumu being drenched with water, and his face flat on the floor. “Yeah, he is. He falls for it every time. Smart athlete on the court, but in reality, he’s pretty stupid. Kita-san and the other alumni must have had a hard time in handling you three. ”  You laugh along at his story. “He misses Kita-san though, the dude cries when he remembers how Kita-san took care of him when he got sick.”

“Well, Tsumu can be a baby sometimes, that’s why we love him” He faintly slows down his pace as he asks, “Come to think of it Y/N, I’ve never seen you cry. I mean, I wouldn’t want to make you cry or anything, but even when we were still friends, you never cried.”

Pinching his side, you giggle “I cry too, dumbass. I’m human too.I don’t know though, I just don’t cry easily I guess.” You shrug. “What about you? I rarely see you in tears, too.” You tease as you poke your tongue out. He smirks as he looks over at you,”I don’t easily get affected by my emotions and honestly I don’t need too, sweetcheeks. There’s no reason too. I always win.” He lets out another hearty laugh, as you think. That’s true. No one can really beat and outwit Suna. Maybe only the french fry from Karasuno, but I guess no one can easily faze him.  

Suna lets go of your hand as you both stopped in front of your house. He clasps your hands together with his one hand as he places the other on the top of your head, “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah? Rest well, Miss I-don’t-easily-cry.” Placing a tender kiss on your forehead, you shut your eyes. This had been your routine with your boyfriend ever since you got together, but you would never wish for anything else to replace these moments.

---

As you both graduated from Inarizaki, you decide to follow your dream - your Suna - and support him as he aspires to be a professional Volleyball player. You go to a University near where he is training so that it would be more convenient for him to fetch you. Life goes by quickly. Your boyfriend trains hard day and night and hones his skills and game sense. You study a business course to help you land a good job, a job that can still be pretty flexible to work with according to Suna’s. You rarely see your boyfriend nowadays, but no doubts cross your mind as you are assured that you were Suna’s one and only, his love of his life. Whenever you think otherwise, you try to remember these evidence of his love and assurance.

----

You closed the door as you said your goodbyes to your mom. It pains you to see her get cheated on by your dad, but you couldn’t do anything about it. You sat on the couch and hugged your knees together. Forcing your eyes shut to keep you from crying and sharing her pain, but alas - your tears betrayed you as it streamed down your face.

How can the guy you loved for so many years, easily replace you?

Suna saw your broken state as he gave you a warm hug. He didn’t say anything, but you’re comforted by his silence and the small circles he rubbed on your back. You looked up at his eyes and cried, “It’s so scary, Rin. How one day you’re hopelessly in love with your best friend for so many years, but then they suddenly act like you are just trash - disposable, replaceable, and no longer wanted. They were so perfect in my eyes, you know? But why did he cheat on her? He just gave up in the middle of solving their problem. Why? I’m scared, Rin. Will that happen to us?”

Suna tilted your head to maintain the eye contact you had initiated. With his soft voice, he said “No matter what happens, I will never hurt you, leave you, and will never make you cry intentionally.” He wiped away your tears, then placed his hand on top of your head. Kissing your temple softly, he assured you. “I will never go away, no matter how rough it may become. Every single day for the rest of my life, I will be by your side.”

---

You both try to make your relationship work, spending all of your free time together. He is still the Suna you loved. Always affectionate to you alone, and always caring about you.

Things are going great to the both of you. You are now in your last months in university, and Suna gets scouted to play for the EJP Raijins, a V. League Division 1 team. You are so proud of your boyfriend. He is finally reaching his dreams, and your dream of seeing him so successful is also coming true. You understand how he puts more effort in his training, with him usually coming home to dim lights. But you try your hardest as his girlfriend to warm up the dinner you have prepared for him earlier. With only the kitchen lights lit, you always wait for your boyfriend to come home, to greet him with a kiss even if it is past 11pm. This is just the life of a professional athlete, and you, as his partner, should adopt this life too.

“Y/N baby, no need to wait for me. I’m not coming home tonight. Coach offered to let me sleep at his place since we’re just really fatigued from the hard training we had today.”

This slowly becomes a habit, and you are getting frustrated over the lack of attention you’ve been receiving. You understand this was his job, and he needs to work hard with the season coming up soon. But does he have to be away for almost every day of the week? You rarely get to see him now, with most encounters only at night. He’d usually go home at 1 am, and when you’re lucky, you get to feel your lover’s intimate touches again. But before dawn cracks up, he's out on his training again, and who knows when he’s coming home.

“Hey, Rinnie. I miss you so much babe, and I know you’ve been training really hard, but I’d like to spend some time with you.” You approached your boyfriend as you saw him packing his things up for training. “Maybe I could go by your gym and visit you! I could make some packed lunches for you and your teammates too, and maybe I can finally meet them.”

“I’ll try Y/N, I can’t say much now with our new training schedule.” He utters out rather coldly, while shoving his equipment down his gym bag.

“Ohhh okay. But are you able to come home early on Wednesday? Just for one night, pretty please? You’re rarely home these days and I--”

“Well, I just can’t laze around right? I’d have to work hard in order to feed the both of us. Can you stop being clingy, and act like a more understanding girlfriend. It’s getting pathetic how you’re acting like I’m not doing this for the both of us.” He zipped up his bag and slings it over his shoulder. He went up to your frozen state, and gave a light kiss to your temple. “Look, I don’t really want to fight. I’m sorry. But please be an understanding girlfriend for me, and stop being extra clingy.” He walked up to the door, and left - leaving you to blame yourself for being another burden to your partner. Although he said some hurtful things, he says he’s sorry right?

---

You love routines, and it makes you feel your life has a structure it has to follow. But this new routine was not one you would wish to have, to be honest, you did not know when did your old routines fall out. Suna’s rarely home, if he used to go home once a week, now, he only goes home to pick some of his clothes, makes love to you if you ask him to, and leaves the next day. His texts are getting drier each day, even taking hours to reply to yours. You’re scared. Even his words don’t seem to assure you now, he feels so far away. He’s slipping through your fingers, and you know you need to do something to keep your relationship together.

“Rin love, can you go home tonight? I just really miss you terribly, and honestly, I’ve been craving your touch for so long. Come home tonight, love.” (Sent, 2:51 PM)

“Ok.” (Received, 4:30 PM)

You’re ecstatic. You’re finally going to spend time with your boyfriend after such a long time. You prepare his favorite dinner, and you choose to wear his favorite nightgown for you. As you hear his steps outside the apartment, you greet him with your sweetest smile.

“Hi, Rinnie. I’m glad you’re home” You give him a tight hug, as you offer to take his gym bag.

“Let’s get this over with, Y/N. Go now to the room, I’ll just wash up.” He mutters as he steps out of his shoes. You stand frozen, as you suppress the tears forming in your eyes. “I made dinner, Rinnie. Your favorite, actually. Come eat with me? ” You try to invite him again, holding his hands as you try to lead him to the kitchen.

“Ï’m a busy man, Y/N. What more can you ask from me? You said you wanted my touches and love, right? That’s why I’m here. I need to go back to the dorms immediately, and honestly I just want to have it over with.”

“Rin,” you called out. “Can you at least spare me some time and attention that  you have been refusing to give me over these past months? All I’m asking is to spend time with you. I’m even trying my best to make time for you. Why are you like this?”

The eyes. The eyes you never had thought would frighten you as much as it did to the other players in the court, pins you down. Suna glares as he seethes through his teeth, “Make time for me? You don’t even have a job yet after graduating a few months ago. You stay here, enjoying your life as I worked hard to keep this up. You are demanding too much from me, Y/N. And now you are asking me for my share in this relationship? Well aren’t you one selfish woman.”

You cower away from his gaze, but you still try to express your frustrations. “I never asked for an expensive life. I just wished to be with you, Rin! To support you with your dreams.” You lift your head to meet his gaze.  “I’ll always try to take care of you, Rin. You are my dream. Seeing you pursue yours, makes me feel as if I’m accomplishing my dream too. But all I’m asking is for you to still treat me as your favorite girl, your partner, and I can give back ten times more than what you can give me, just please give me the small attention and love I have been craving for.”

“Well, sorry to disappoint you Y/N, but you’re the least of my priorities now. And aren’t you pathetic? Sacrificing your dream to support mine? You’re just lazy to pursue yours, and you’re just leeching off of me. I’m so disappointed in you, Y/N. You’re getting more pathetic each day.”

“I wanted to go and look for a job, but how could I when I don't know how you are lately? How is our relationship lately? It’s like it’s hanging by the thread now, Rinnie.”

“Well, just cut the damn thread, then!” He forcefully slams the counter as his eyes snap backs to yours. “Ï can’t deal with this right now. If you keep on acting up Y/N, just stop. Have some pity over yourself.” Suna picks up his things, and leaves. Shutting the door as hard as he could, the loud bang conceals the sound of your shattered heart.

---

Weeks go by slowly as you patiently wait for your boyfriend’s return. He wouldn’t leave me right? He promised .He promised.. Scrolling up to your text messages, you reviewed the texts you’ve sent him.

“Hey Rinnie, I’m sorry for the things I’ve said. I hope you’re taking care of yourself, babe.” (Sent. April 13, 8:53 AM.)

“Hey baby! Please don't skip your meals, and drink lots of water too! Drink your water, bitch!” (Sent. April 14, 10:14 AM.) You slightly smiled as you reminisced how both of you loved to tell that to each other after hearing it from a famous personality, finding it amusing and adding it to your routine.  

“Call me whenever your free, okay? Don’t forget to rest in between, Rinnie. I miss you.” (Sent. April 14, 8:42 PM.)

The text messages go on for two weeks, still with no replies from your Rinnie. As you are cleaning the apartment, you hear the awaited notification tone ring. You immediately grabbed your phone and checked out the notification. But it was not from Rin, it was from your friend from university calling you up.

“Hey, Y/N-san. Congratulations to Suna and his team for winning the pre-seasonal tournament. It’s all over the news right now.” Akaashi exclaimed over the phone. Your heart leaps upon hearing your boyfriend’s name. Rushing over to see the news for yourself, your heart flutters as you see your perfect man - in his wet jersey while holding the medal wrapped around his neck as the reporter angled the microphone in front of him. Your perfect man responds casually and smug, as usual.

I’m so proud of you baby. Always had, and always will. I knew you could do it, Rin.

But your thoughts are interrupted as the reporter asks, “Is there any special someone you would want to celebrate this victory with, Mr. Suna?”

Suna looks over at the camera and he smiles bright. Brighter than the ones you’ve seen when you were with him during these past months. “Yeah, actually I do.” He replies as he smiles back at the reporter. “She’s just the best and I’ve been training really hard for her, you know? Gotta make my baby proud.”

The spark of hope ignites within your heart upon hearing those words. Even when doubts clouded your mind, you still never fail to have faith in him. You always believe that everything will be perfectly fine, and your Rin will always stay by your side. He said he’ll never go away, and you know that you’re here to stay.  “I will never go away, no matter how rough it may become. Every single day for the rest of my life, I will be by your side.”

But what you see next finally wakes you up from your own self-deception. Suna Rintarou. Your Rin. Has his arms around another girl as he smiles back again to the reporter. “She’s the girl I’m talking about.” As if it wasn’t enough, Suna placed his hand on top of her head and placed a tender kiss on her temple.

I’m supposed to be that girl, that should have been me.  I should be the one greeting you back from your training. I should be the one with you as you receive your recognition. That should be me. That used to be me.

Even though it hurts, you stare at the couple in front of you and see how Rin was just casually cool and okay, as though he wasn’t the cause of your heart breaking.

All this time. While you have been fixing your own shattered heart, someone else is mending his - no, there was nothing to fix as it has been replaced. It’s so unfair, how can you be so fine? All the fights we’ve gone through, I even deceived myself that I was being a burden to you. Convincing myself to no longer bother you as it may faze you and your performance, too. It takes so much for me to just go through the day, and live for you, for us. But I guess you’re my dream, right? You win again, Rin. You always did.

Dreams do come true, they said. But it seems only your dream came true. And it’s wonderful to see you reaching your dreams, love. Even if it meant that my dream won’t come true.

A/N: HNGHHH, I am sorry for Y/N becoming so heads over heels over him, which is why she’s hurting so much!! But reality’s a bitch, there really are people who be martyrs for love :<  Would love to hear you thoughts uwu reblogs, likes, comments, asks and messages are very much appreciated! There will be a part 2!! Will try to post within this week, after doing my requirements T.T .  

Message me or send an ask if you want to be tagged for the update! <3

~juju 

[kagstea]

tsukishima k. - parenthood

tsukishima kei x reader

description: becoming parents for a week was something that neither of you were expecting, but being paired up together made it a little more bearable.

warnings: none, pure fluff

Being associated with the volleyball team was never part of your plan. You hated sports, especially ones that involved balls flying everywhere. And the boys team at Karasuno loved to send balls flying everywhere.

Technically you weren’t even supposed to be sitting in for the practices. The coach had initially expressed his dismay at the beginning when Tanaka and Nishinoya became too distracted during the practices. After some convincing, you had managed to get permission to be there after school, all because of a school project. 

A loud, crying, plastic project.

You took the child development class because you had an extra slot open, and it seemed interesting. Of course, it slipped your mind of the infamous part of taking care of a fake baby. The worst part is you were partnered with the grumpiest person in the class. It also was just so convenient that that person also played on the volleyball team. 

“I have practice everyday.” Tsukishima had bluntly told you as soon as the teacher announced the partners.

You furrowed your eyebrows. “Is that supposed to mean something?”

“I’m also a heavy sleeper.”

Understanding, you pinched the bridge of your nose to relieve some oncoming stress, then gave him a forced smile. “There’s no way in hell I’m taking care of this baby alone.”

Both stubborn, it had taken a while to come to an agreement. But after some shouting and unnecessary excuses, it was decided that you would spend the days after school taking care of the baby together at practice, while you would also alternate taking it home for the night each day. 

The high pitched wails had everyone’s head turning to look at you sitting on the bleachers, trying to figure out how to shut it up. You cursed under your breath as it continued, despite your efforts. 

The team was in the middle of practicing spikes, but they all stopped momentarily to watch their tallest throw his head back with a sigh before walking off the court towards you. He sat down next to you, tiredly watching you shake the poor thing. 

“That’s going to get us a bad grade.” He noted.

“Then you deal with him.” 

Tsukishima couldn’t even prepare himself before you pushed it into his arms. Of course you were tired and agitated because you took the child home for the first night. Suddenly becoming a parent threw your already terrible sleeping schedule off so bad. 

He clicked his tongue before attempting to change his diaper. 

“I tried that already.” You said, making him reach for a bottle. “That too.”

“Well did you burp him?” 

It was the silence and redness creeping up on your cheeks that gave him his answer. Tsukishima had to refrain from choking you right then and there, but he simply held the baby and tapped his back gently, glaring at you as he did so. 

Everyone found it amusing, even if they were half paying attention. Coach Ukai walked towards you two with his arms crossed and a grin on his face. “I assume the both of you are starting to understand parenthood already?”

You groaned, trying to organize the fake baby supplies that were scattered around you. “Abstinence has never sounded so nice right now.” Suddenly a small, staticy burp brightened your eyes. “He shut up!”

Tsukishima nodded, handing him back to you carefully. “No thanks to you.”

You stuck your tongue out at him, laying the baby down for another nap and some peace and quiet. “Don’t think you’re the better parent just because you burped him.”

He stood him, looking down at you with a playful smile. “I’m definitely the better parent by default.”

“Says you.”

Coach Ukai cleared his throat, interrupting the banter. “Be the better player and go practice those spikes now. Kid’s nice and asleep now.”

“Because of me.” He reminded you quickly, then returned to the court. 

You glared at him before addressing the older man. “Do you really think he’s the better parent?”

He thought for a second before answering, “We’ll see about that tomorrow after he spends a night with the baby.”

~

Needless to say, the Coach might have had a point.

The grumpy Tsukishima Kei was even grumpier the following day. He found himself struggling to stay awake during class and even skipping lunch to get even a few minutes of sleep. 

During practice he was fully prepared to fight the members that bothered him, but he received approval from everyone as he put all his frustration and feelings into practice. Tsukishima just about cried when it was announced they were able to go home.

You had a small, teasing smile on your face as the two of you exited the gym with a few of the other team members. Suddenly his confidence went out the window and he dreaded the next three days.

“I’m beginning to think this isn’t a school project, but more of a torture concept.” He rubbed his sore neck and adjusted the baby in his arms.

Yamaguchi laughed behind you two. “Just look at it more positively. Did you guys even name the baby?”

Your nose scrunched up as you glanced back at him. “What name?”

“For your baby. You can’t just keep referring to it as an ‘it’ you know.” He had a point, or at least you thought.

Tsukishima scoffed. “Why on earth would we name a piece of plastic three days before we give it back? Make it make sense, please-”

“I wanna name it.” You pouted, stopping in front of him so he couldn’t move anymore. “There’s no harm in it.”

His eyes softened, and he sighed. “It’s just unnecessary-”

“We can name him Hoshi!” You beamed, and got excited with the rest of the team members that liked your suggestion. 

“Y/N-”

“Please?” You insisted. “This project already exhausts me so much, at least let’s have a little fun with it.”

He hadn’t noticed before how bright your eyes were, in a sense that they were full of life. They were a beautiful shade, too, one that drew him in. It complimented your lips, that looked so soft to him-

“Fine.” He agreed, watching your smile grow and your figure jump with happiness.

~

Tsukishima flinched at the sound of the chair next to him being pulled out aggressively, before you had slumped down in it. In his lap, Hoshi was quiet, the total quite opposite of his he was at your house the night before. 

He frowned at the dark eye bags under your eyes, a sign of exhaustion. You had mentioned that you had homework to do, as well as taking care of the child. Tsukishima felt that he should have offered to take Hoshi home another night, regardless if you agreed or not. 

Across from you guys, Yamaguchi looked at you in concern. “Uh, Y/N? Did you eat anything?”

You shook your head and yawned. “No. But I’ll just grab something before practice…” The tone of your voice lowered, and even you could feel your eyelids grow heavy. It was almost as if you would fall asleep right there in the middle of the cafeteria, however, the loud voices around wouldn’t allow you too. 

In all honesty, Tsukishima was worried. He hoped you weren’t neglecting yourself for the sake of the project. It almost made him feel guilty that not only did you stay for his practices, but also usually carried Hoshi around throughout the day. It wasn’t fair to you, he thought.

~

“Kei, I’m not thirsty-”

“Just drink it. Don’t waste my money.”

“I can pay you back, don’t be ridiculous.”

“Oh, my- Give it.” He rolled his eyes, taking the small banana milk from you and poking the straw through the top himself. “Here.” He quickly pushed it back in your hands, staring you down until you felt uncomfortable to give in. 

Tsukishima had wasted no time in escorting you out of the cafeteria to a small, secluded bench outside. It was much more quiet out there, which helped you a lot more. Since you wouldn’t eat, he stopped by the vending machine for a small drink to lift your energy up slightly. 

You quietly sipped on the drink, then asked, “Where’s Hoshi?”

Tsukishima sat back, briefly closing his eyes and allowing the sun to shine upon his face. “Yamaguchi’s got him. It’s fine.”

“That’s like cheating. We can’t just leave him alone-” As you began to sit up, he pulled you back down, although a little closer than he intended. 

“He’s fine. And it’s only for a short time, don’t worry.” 

Surprisingly, his words calmed you down. You relaxed next to him, drinking the rest of your milk in silence. Tsukishima had closed his eyes once again, with his arms crossed against his chest. More minutes went by, and he started to get curious as to why you were so quiet. So, slowly, he peeked open one eye and looked at you, seeing you falling asleep. 

He stared at you as your head jerked up every so often. You were fighting your sleep even though you badly needed it. The empty drink in your hand fell in your lap, and you found yourself relaxing beside Tsukishima. A faint smile appeared on his face. He opened his mouth to say something but a new weight on his shoulder made his eyes widened instead.

You leaned your head on him, allowing your breath to settle as you got comfortable. He was wondering if you had fallen asleep, but some mumbles from your mouth told him otherwise.

“Kei?”

Tsukishima had stiffened. “Y-Yes… what?”

Your head nuzzled against him, finding a better position. “Do you think that I’m a good parent for Hoshi?”

He blinked, before nodding. “You’re a great parent, Y/N. Better than you give yourself credit for.”

You hummed in acknowledgement, and he could tell you smiled. “You know, you’re a great parent too.”

His ears grew red, and he was thankful that you were falling asleep and didn’t bother to look at him. Tsukishima slowly looked down at you, your eyes closed and finally taking a rest. He wouldn’t mention it to you, but he was happy Hoshi had you for a parent.

He was even more happy to have you for a partner.

part two.

[flamingo-writes]

Ch. 9: Out For Blood

Keep You On My Side, Chapter 9: Out for Blood

Andrew Garfield!Peter Parker x [Female] Reader

[Previous] [Next: 03.30]

A/N: Make a wish next time I post when I schedule it because I'm a dum dum 😭 It took me so long to write this, mostly because this is the longest chapter yet, and it's basically twice as long as the last two chapters. Anyways, like I said in last chapter, I'll try to slowly go back to my scheduled posting on Sundays...Hopefully, I'll be able to make it ToT Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter, it's a bunch of strong emotions all poured into one messy chapter with so much happening.

Summary: As you watch from a distance, you can't believe everything that's happening. Although, you wished things were gonna be different the next day, but only turned out to be a roller coaster that seemed to take unpredictable turns as the day went buy. Secrets confessed, memories you wish you could forget, truth you can't believe, and the realization finally hitting you.

Warnings: This chapter contains darker topics, mentions of psychotic behavior, manipulation, gaslighting, depression, mentions of suicide threads.

Word Count: 8.2K

“Stay here, don’t go down, don’t do anything. I’ll come back for you as soon as I’m done” He babbled as he turned around and jumped down as you watched him incredulous, your heart beating fast as you dropped your gym bag and approached the edge.

“Peter!” You cried out as you started getting worried.

You watched him swing back into the eye of the hurricane, as the guy with the dark cape swung towards him and Peter dodged him. You stood paralyzed as you watched, the penny dropping again. If Peter was…If Spiderman…While earlier you had no issue processing this information. But now…seeing him in this situation, made your heart sink in fear. Right, Spiderman did a lot more than stopping robbers and helping kittens off the trees, or even helping people who left their keys inside their cars. You remembered the few weird instances in which very weird characters attacked the city. The giant lizard, the electric guy, some giant rhino…and now, these two clowns in silly costumes who seemed to know how to put up a fight even with Spiderman’s enhanced senses.

You looked horrified as you watched Spiderman dodge some attacks, but receive most of them, either by managing to protect himself or completely take the hit. However, everything was happening too fast and too far away. You were a couple of buildings away, and with a very good reason. Spiderman taking you in particular there, while he simply told people to leave and where to go, spoke volumes about his priority to keep you safe. It made your heart ache.

Your eyes filled with tears as you felt your phone vibrating. You pulled it out of the back pocket of your jeans as you saw Miles’s name on the screen and picked up.

“Yeah?” You said in a shaky voice.

“Yo– are you alright? Where are you?” Miles asked, alarmed as he noticed the peculiar tone in your voice.

“I-I…” You chuckled bitterly. “Not sure how to…say…this…”

“Dude, what the hell? Should I call my dad? He’s a cop…” He added nervously.

“N-no. I-I’m…fine” You said, not lying, but you were mostly worried about Peter. “I’m…on top…of a building”

“Wha–?”

“I’m fine. I’m…there’s some sort of…issue…going on between Spiderman and two other guys…” You explained nervously as Miles easily picked up on your anxiety. “I was…walking by, when Pe–, I peeked over the street to see what was going on, and Spiderman saw me and…took me away from there..”

“He left you on top of some random building?” He asked exasperated.

“Ye-yeah" You sighed nervously. "I-I'm…safe. Don't worry…"

"Sis, you don't sound exactly relieved…" Miles chuckled bitterly.

"I'm worried about him …Spiderman…" You admitted.

"Are you two friends or something?"

"I mean, we've talked a few times…he's saved me several times…and he's walked me home to make sure I make it home safely…" You replied, not exactly lying to Miles.

"Do you… know who he is?" His question made your stomach drop as you knew you wouldn’t be able to lie to him.

"I…I think…" You said, not exactly lying.

"Yo, what? Really?" He asked incredulous.

"I'm not sure…okay? I haven't confirmed it” Truth “And even if I did…if it were me, and someone found out I'm MJ, I wouldn't want them to tell anyone, you know?" Also truth, and with that, Miles sighed deeply.

"Yeah, fair…Hey, he'll be alright, you'll be alright…" Miles said, mostly to relieve himself.

"Yeah, thanks…" You replied, sounding a lot more calm, and making Miles feel more calm as well.

"Should I call my dad? And tell them about the ruckus?"

"Ye-yeah…"

You gave Miles the address and hung up as you leaned over to the edge, looking for Spiderman, your heart beating fast and strong on your chest as it was hard to follow the bad guys and Peter. There was shooting, although they did not seem like regular guns and instead looked like something out of a Hollywood action movie. What was going on? You were so freaked out by everything you couldn't understand and what was happening.

For several seconds, Peter was out of your range of sight, as you kept hearing the ruckus, yelling, cursing. And you were standing too close to the edge, leaning over the balcony as you felt your heart on your throat.

A quick dash of orange and yellow ran from the alley they’d disappeared. You looked at it, noticing it was one of the guys who was fighting as well. You watched him climb up the building, running away as Peter was fighting the other guy with the metallic dark cape. You knew screaming would be useless, and would perhaps catch the attention of the guy running away and put you in danger.

However, as you looked at Peter struggling with the other guy, you completely missed the second man jumping from building to building, slowly making his way in you general direction. You heard a loud huff, catching your attention as you watched the guy running away jumping into the fire escape from the building you were secured in. You gasped and moved away from the edge as the man climbed up.

His peculiar suit, looking almost like a suit of armour had orange and yellow details, as well as some large gauntlets and boots. He jumped on the edge and stared at you for a full two seconds.

Your body froze in shock, suddenly feeling the blood drain your face and your stomach fell to the ground at the realisation that the bad guy had seen your face.

“Enjoying the view, darling?” He hissed with a chuckle as he continued running towards the next building.

You watched him leave speechless as you stood paralysed and thought about the implications. He’d seen you. God, he had seen you. You wondered how screwed you were. You could be just any person watching through the roof of their building, right? Unless they’d seen Spiderman take you there himself. The fact that he let everyone else run away but took you to the roof.

Another loud growl snapped you out of your thoughts as you ran back to the edge and saw a bunch of web hung between two buildings, and in the middle the bad guy was all wrapped in it, suspended in the middle of the web. Although Peter was nowhere to be seen. At least for a few seconds you heard him crashing against the fire escape as you looked down. He climbed the wall slowly, catching his breath until he finally made it to the top.

“Peter!” You said desperately as you approached him and hugged him as he groaned softly and then wrapped an arm around your back. “Are you alright?” You purred, breaking the hug and looked at him as you noticed he was holding his side with one of his arms.

“Received a pretty nasty blow on my ribs, but nothing that a good night's sleep won’t fix…” He replied with a cheerful, although tired voice.

You watched him with worry overflowing your eyes, almost like tears.

"Hey, can I ask what you are doing out here late at night? You could've gotten hurt!” He said in a low and somewhat severe voice “Or worse! You could have died”

You looked at him and realised how dangerous it was. You being there at the wrong place at the wrong time could have cost you your life just like he’d said. Your mind went blank, as Miles had also mentioned it was dangerous for you to leave so late, and the guilt sunk in your gut.

“I-I'm sorry…” You stuttered softly as you looked at him with wide terrified eyes. “ know it was dangerous and reckless of me to go out at this time…i…really needed a swim…”

“Whoa, whoa, babe, hold up, right there…” He said with a bitter chuckle. “You went out because you wanted to swim? At midnight?”

You realised how bad your wording sounded as you cursed under your breath.

“Please, I-I…it's the only way I can deal with him being back…” You said. “I'm still sorry, though. You got hit because of me…”

“Don't” He cut you off. “You had nothing to do with me getting hit. I was careless, that guy knows how to fight…C'mon, let's take you home” He said as he stood up and walked towards you.

“What about your ribs?” You asked worried.

“I’ve been through worse, don’t worry” He tried to sooth you as he walked closer to you. “I’m gonna wrap an arm around your waist, and I need you to cling to me like a baby monkey or koala or small cute mammal of your preference…” He said as you looked at him and nodded softly as you wrapped your arms around his shoulders and you felt his arm snaking around your waist. “Please don’t scream, I’ve got sensitive senses…and when I’m swinging around people, they tend to yell and it’s pretty rough on my ear…”

You felt your heart skip a beat as he said “swing” so casually, as if it were the same as riding a bike or getting on the subway. You nodded.

“Ye-yeah…”

“If you’re scared of heights, you can close your eyes too” He added and your first reaction was to hide your face against his neck, as you felt him chuckle underneath the mask. “Ok, I’m gonna jump now, ready?”

“No, not really…” You whispered. “But go ahead…” You purred as his arm around you tightened and he jumped.

You felt the gravity pulling your stomach to the ground, and the wind hitting your body, as you felt the swinging of your gym bag on your shoulder and you cursed under your breath as you clung desperately to Peter, wrapping your legs around his waist in an attempt to feel more secure.

“Hey, you’re good. You’re doing good. Hang in there, your place is not far from here…” He chuckled. “You’re doing pretty good, most people yell, others cry, once I had a guy telling me he was getting nauseous and…it was not pretty” He joked trying to distract you from the pull and gravity with each of his swings.

You heard him grunting softly in pain every time he let go of his web before shooting a new one.

“This sucks!” You cried out as he laughed.

“I do this on a daily…” He said softly as you felt a sudden turn and your grip around him tightened. “Almost there” He purred as you kept cursing under your breath, hearing Peter’s amusement.

You felt him abruptly stop as you looked away from his neck and opened your eyes, noticing he was sticking to the wall next to the fire escape.

“We’re here…” He purred softly as he got on the small balcony and put you down.

Feeling weak, you stumbled and grabbed the ladder and dropped your gym bag looking through your window into your dark room.

“Thanks..” You whispered almost asking yourself how did he know the fire escape was right next to your window, but you remembered a few days ago he’d gone into your room after you saw Gal outside the Coffee Pot.

“Can I ask you something?” He purred as you turned around and looked at him, noticing the details in his mask.

"Yeah" You purred.

"What gave it away?" He purred softly, as you stared into his mask, wondering how clearly could he see with that over his eyes.

"Your corkboard," You replied softly "You have my note…" You chuckled as it took Peter a second to know what you were talking about "I can't believe you actually found my note" It was a simple thing, the only note he had was MJ’s.

"So, the MJ is Mark Jensen?" He replied. "Like the main character from your novel?"

"Mark Jensen is my self insert in my own novel…I feel braver writing under his name…" You admitted shyly, feeling weird as you'd never talked about the MJ thing with anyone who wasn't your roommates or Lauren.

"You are brave. Always have been…You don't have to sign under his name…" He said, his voice softening "But I get the whole hiding and staying anonymous part…"

"Thanks" You murmured as you scanned his mask, and leaned forward.

Peter read your movement and leaned forward as well, pressing his forehead to yours. His mind spinning erratically as his wild ideas and fantasies of you being MJ were true. You were MJ. He thought of the chances, the other two Spidermen having an MJ of their own, and although the multiverse theory explained his universe the existence of an MJ was random, and said MJ to eventually get involved with him was also random, he'd been feeling weirdly hopeful of having one of his own. Mostly because he craved that tender intimate human interaction. After he met you, well, his obsession over searching for MJ ceased, at least until he started noticing the pattern between the both of you. And this was because you seemed to correspond to his feelings. And if that was the case, then finding MJ was meaningless with you in the picture. Although, you being MJ made him think of his parallel version, and thinking how he too had an MJ.

"How long have you've known?" He asked, as he wondered if he should take his mask off now that you knew the truth.

"Since 5:27 pm…" You said as he frowned softly and recalled what he was doing at the time.

"We were in my apartment" He chuckled as he pulled away, and ran a finger over the edge of his mask.

"Yeah…I saw the note I left on the bridge after you asked me who I was…What about you?" You purred as you stared at his fingers lingering on the edge.

"Like…a minute or so ago…" He chuckled as he looked down "I had my very strong suspicions for a while…of you being MJ…but if you saw the note you saw the other stuff…" He groaned embarrassed.

“I did…” You chuckled softly as he sighed.

“Yeah…man, it's creepy, I'm sorry you had to see that…I swear I'm not that creepy” He chuckled awkwardly as you shook your head.

“That’s the spirit of a true journalist…” You added.

“I’m a photographer, not a journalist…” He chuckled.

You looked at him and extended your pinky finger towards him. Looking down at your hand, he chuckled softly.

"What?" He asked slightly confused.

"I'll keep yours if you keep mine" You purred softly as Peter looked up and you felt his gaze on yours through his mask.

"I thought that went without saying…" He purred softly as he stretched his hand and wrapped his pinky with yours.

The both of you stayed silent, as he stared into your hands and leaned forward. He bumped his forehead to yours as you felt his breath through his mask.

"Hey, I know you've had a hell of a day…but, if I asked you if I can kiss you…what would you say?" He purred, his heart in his throat as he thought how much he'd been dying to kiss you, but every time he saw his chance to do it, in some way or the other, you weren't in the right headspace.

"If I hadn't had a hell of a day, I'd say yes…" You purred. "But…I'm scared…Gal is back…I'm pretty sure he's stalking me, and it scares me…"

“Hey, I'll watch over you…I won't let him lay a finger on you” He murmured as you closed your eyes and sighed deeply.

“That's not it. It's about what he's already done…besides,” You stopped, feeling nervous just by thinking of Gal “I'm worried that he might try to scare you away…” You said.

“He can try all he wants, I’ve dealt with far crazier and scarier people than him…” He purred trying to lift you up, although he noticed your concerned look did not change. “Hey, I like you…I really do” At this, you smiled softly and looked at him.

“I like you too Peter…” You sighed “but Gal is not just some jealous ex…He is a psycho…and I don't mean that in a hyperbolic kinda way…” You murmured as Peter finally pulled up his mask and stared at you, his eyes reflecting his concern, one you could not see through his mask “I mean, the guy seriously has some serious issues in his head…”

“I'm sorry…” He purred.

“He did so many horrible things, and every time I tried to call him on his actions…he manipulated me, gaslighted me…into taking his side…” You stopped as you felt an odd lump on your throat and closed your eyes.

“Hey, it's alright…” He purred as he cupped your face in his hands “You don't have to tell me…”

“I know, but I want you to know who you're dealing with…” You murmured as you met his stare. “The amount of power he had over me was…gross…” Your eyes teared up as you sighed and closed your eyes, trying to keep your tears from falling “He turned me into someone I’m not…Every time I tried breaking up with him, he managed to make me feel guilty as if I was the one doing things wrong…And I let it happen constantly for three long years…”

When your tears finally fell from your cheeks, Peter pulled you in for a hug as you buried your face in his neck, clinging to him as you sighed deeply, trying to calm yourself down.

“I'm so, so, sorry…” He purred your name, his voice soothing your nerves as you shrugged.

“It's fine…” You sighed, still tangled in his embrace “I mean, it's already in the past…

“I'll watch over you, okay?” He said breaking the hug and cupping your face again, his sincere dark eyes looking into yours “Whatever that guy is capable of, I'll still be several steps ahead”

“Why? Because you're Spiderman?” You replied softly trying to pull a cheeky smirk.

“I bet he won't see it coming,” he joked. "Cmon, you've got to sleep” he purred bumping his forehead to yours again as you nodded.

“Yeah…” You purred as you pulled away and turned around, opening your window and throwing your gym bag inside your room and ready to get in when Peter’s voice pulled your gaze back to him.

“See you tomorrow?”

“You're going to the Coffee Pot tomorrow?” You asked.

“Have you seen the barista? Real charming real smart, always gets the coffee just right…” He said as his smile spread on his face “Do you think Andy is single?” He joked making you laugh, not expecting that punchline.

“No, I'm sorry, he's been officially  taken for about 3 weeks” You replied as Peter faked a frustrated groan.

“Ah, shoot. I'm late…” He chuckled. “Goodnight…" he purred your name sweetly as he pulled his mask over his face again.

“Goodnight, Spiderman” You purred as you got inside your room and watched him jumping off the fire escape and shooting a web at the building next to yours.

With both your secret identities out, as well as your feelings for each other, you spent most of your shift anticipating Peter’s visit with a tender anxiety building in your stomach, reminiscent of when you were a teenager with a silly little crush and butterflies in your stomach. And every time you heard the bell chiming a new customer's arrival, you'd look up at once, hoping to see Peter walking through.

And when he finally showed up, you felt your heart skip a beat, as well as your lungs stopping as you watched him walking in with a small bouquet of flowers as you gave him the kind of look you'd always gave him when he insisted on paying for his coffee when you told him it was on you.

The flowers gained not only the customer's attention, but your coworkers as well, as you felt the knowing look of your friends. Peter approached the bar with a cheeky smirk as your cheeks got pink and hot.

"Peter…" You sighed.

"Yeah?" He asked with a feign innocent voice "Oh, these? I found them" He said, oh so casually.

"Yeah, right…" You replied, squinting your eyes.

"I swear!" He chuckled "Outside of my apartment. They were just there and I thought…I don't have a vase to put them in…"

"What makes you think I do have a vase?" You chuckled as you played along.

"Oh, come on!" He giggled.

You walked towards him and grabbed the flowers and placed them on the bar next to the cash register and then hugged him. Tenderly wrapping your arms around him and buried your face in his chest, you felt your cheeks tickling and feeling everyone's stares on you. But by this point, you didn’t care, you were too into Peter, and knowing he liked you back, made you want to show it off to the world proudly like a badge.

“Thank you,” You whispered, breaking the hug. “They're beautiful…” You said

“Hey, do you wanna do something after your shift?” He asked as you met his stare and frowned softly.

“I…actually have to go back home after work…” You explained, looking down “Miles is going through a rough time right now…” You purred as Peter opened his mouth and his face went blank.

“O-oh…” He purred softly as he remembered seeing the news this morning, talking about how Spiderman had caught a guy going by the name of The Prowler, and the man behind the mask. Peter remembered feeling like his stomach fell to the floor when he saw none other than Aaron Davis was the man behind The Prowler.

The man who helped him get his freelance career started, he who had taught him how everything works, how to set prices, and tips on when and who to work with. And most importantly, Miles’s uncle. Miles’s uncle and somehow the favourite person of everyone in your apartment. Peter realised the irony behind the citation, although it made all the sense in his mind. Aaron was kind to all of you and apparently had helped you a lot with many different things. As well as The Prowler wanting those enhanced guns out of Queens. He wanted those things out of Queens since people he cared about lived here.

“ Surviving in New York is hard, isn’t it? ” You had told Peter once, shortly after meeting him.

“Yeah…” He replied, his mind deviating a little bit. “Tomorrow?” He asked with a shrug.

“Sure, tomorrow sounds good…” You purred as you heard the doorbell chiming softly as you grabbed the flowers from the bar and took them to the small table where you kept your laptop on, and walked behind the bar, ready to take the next order when you looked up and your world stopped still.

Peter noticed the way you suddenly got stiff and even heard the way your heart stopped for a second before it started rushing, as if you were running a marathon. He turned and saw a guy walking in, as he stopped before the bar. His grin spread into his eyes as his stare was fixed on you. There was something odd about his demeanour, thought Peter as he looked at you and saw you, your eyes wide and alert and your jaw clenched as Peter needed little to no effort to put the pieces together.

“Hey, long time no see” He said in a low voice as he kept his eyes fixed on you.

“What are you doing here?” You replied bitterly.

The guy looked away, meeting Peter’s stare as his smile faded away. He’d seen the flowers and the hug from the other side of the glass doors and immediately knew Peter and you were close.

“Hey, I’m Gallagher,” He said in a cool voice, stretching his hand to Peter as he simply looked at it. “Loonie Toonie and I go back a long way”

“Gal” You hissed.

“We talked on the phone the other day” Peter replied, returning the sassy smile.

“Oh, so you’re the over protective boyfriend?” Gal chuckled as Gal had to look slightly up to meet Peter’s gaze, as Peter was taller than him.

“Did you come here to get coffee or just to bother me?” You barked.

“I came here to say hi, my darling” He said, Peter taking note of the way your body shivered at the disgusting pet name. “It’s been a long while since we last saw each other, I thought it be fun to catch up–”

“I made it pretty clear I did not want to hear from you again” You cut him off.

“You told me to kill myself, but don’t worry, I’m over it now. I forgive you” He said, his voice softening as Peter opened his eyes in surprise not expecting that to come out.

“I think you should leave, man,” Peter hissed defensively. “You’re clearly upsetting her” Peter said as he got between the wooden bar and Gal, getting you off his sight field.

“You don’t get to choose for her, man” Gal growled.

“ You don’t get to choose for me either. Get the fuck out, Gal” You barked. “I am not interested in catching up with you. Not now, not ever” You snapped moving to a side so you could look at him, Gal’s face widening in surprise.

“I want to talk to you” He said.

“I don’t. Go”

During the interaction, you were too busy staying alert of what Gal did, you did not notice Andy sneaking into the backroom to get your manager, who luckily happened to be there as he usually spent a day at a different coffee shop from the same chain.

“Sir, I will have to ask you to leave, you’re upsetting my employee” Your manager said in a firm voice as he stood next to Peter.

“Who the hell do you think you are” Gal chuckled sassily as he looked at the man now standing in front of him.

“The manager of this place.” He replied dryly. “Leave before I call the police”

“Is this how you treat your customers? You must have a full five star review on the internet” Gal scoffed.

“Only those who harass my staff. Now, leave” He said raising his voice, as Gal glared at him with cold threatening eyes as he turned around and left.

As soon as you saw him walk out, you sighed deeply and leaned against the kitchenette behind you, feeling your heart beating in your ears and your eyes finally teared up instantly, as you’d been fighting the urge to cry with him there. Peter noticed and quickly got to your side, completely ignoring the silent rule of no customers being behind the bar.

“Thank you, Roald,” Andy said.

“Are you alright, kiddo?” Roald asked as he turned around and saw you sobbing silently against your mouth as you shook your head no and Peter pulled you in for a tight hug as you immediately clung to him desperately looking for comfort.

“N-no…” You sobbed softly as you held on to Peter for balance.

“I’m so sorry…” He purred. “Who was that?”

“Abusive ex” Andy replied with a tired sigh as Roald looked at him, his expression growing five times more concerned over the span of a second.

“You should contact the police…” He said.

“Ye-yeah…” You murmured.

“Go home,” Roald added, whispering your name softly. “Your shift is over in a couple of hours anyways, go home and rest” He purred, calling you by your name as you broke the hug, without letting go of Peter.

“What?” You purred.

“Go home”

“Bu-but…”

“You're shaking, you’re crying, you’re pale…” He sighed, cutting you off with a gentle voice “And clearly you’re upset… Andy and I can hold down the fort, don’t worry” Your boss reassured you. “Besides, I don’t remember the last time you called in sick, c’mon”

“Loonie, you can’t work like this,” Andy said.

“Let me walk you home…” Peter purred softly as he rubbed your back softly and kissed your head.

Reluctantly, you nodded and went to your table, putting away your laptop and grabbing the small bouquet of flowers. Peter grabbed your backpack, carrying it for you as the two of you walked out. Peter replayed the thing in his head, as you continued to silently sob, cleaning your tears with your sleeve. He didn’t know how to comfort you after what had happened, besides having so many questions regarding the whole scene.

“Can I ask what…happened there?” He purred softly, aware of your body language, in case you didn’t want to talk about it. “C’mon, talk to me…Perhaps I can help?”

“What exactly? You were there…” You sighed softly. “I told you, Gal is crazy…”

Peter looked at you, eyebrows furrowing not sure how to phrase his next question, but still making too much noise in his head it was hard to ignore.

“He said…” He cleared his throat and looked away awkwardly. “...You told him to kill himself?”

You sighed deeply and stopped walking and looked at him.

“He’s taking it out of…context…” You purred.

“Out of…context?” He said surprised as he called your name confused.. “What the hell does that mean? Please be honest with me”

“Peter I– I didn’t tell him that. He thinks I did…it’s a long story” You sighed as you looked into his eyes. “I went to Yale for a year. I got a scholarship I could not let down…” You began as Peter gasped.

“You went to Yale ?” He asked, quite impressed as he noticed the weird pattern he had for falling for the seemingly smart and nerdy girl who managed to get opportunities not everyone could.

“Yeah…I was dating Gal at the time…we moved in together during this time, that’s when things started getting bad …” You continued ignoring his question about Yale “He manipulated me, he made me things I’m not proud of, I isolated myself from everyone but him…Dropped out of school…He cheated on me…” You listed as Peter looked at you growing concerned about everything that had happened in those three years. “One day Miles went to my apartment in New Haven…He basically took me away from there, telling me Gal was a living breathing red flag. Which I kinda knew but was too afraid to admit at the time…”

Miles being the one to take you away from such a situation suddenly made sense considering how close you were to him, and the way you seemed to trust him with everything you’ve got. The way he was always there in family events and in most of your stories. He was not only a childhood friend, he pulled you out from such a messy situation.

“Miles basically took me to live with him, I…” You continued as you started walking again, looking at the floor. “Gal once sent me a text saying he loved me and he needed me and that without me he had nothing. And that I had nothing without him…He told me if I didn’t come back, he was going to kill himself…” You said as Peter sighed deeply.

“Jesus, that’s sick” He purred.

“Miles saw the text…” You said looking at him. “He didn’t tell me about it until much later. Miles replied, pretending it was me, saying if I stayed with him, I was going to end up killing myself. Sent the text, blocked him, deleted the conversation…He got me a new number, in case Gal tried to contact me again…Miles didn’t tell me about the text like eight months later…” You said as Peter grabbed your hand and stopped you.

“Wow, I’m so sorry…” He purred looking into your eyes as he pulled you closer to him and wrapped his arms around you, holding you tightly.  “I still can’t believe you went to Yale…” He added, trying to lift up the tense atmosphere, and managing to make you chuckle softly.

“Yeah…” You purred. “My parents kinda got mad at Lauren for wanting to pursue her music, and I told my parents I’d support Lauren financially if they worried about her having an income…So, I tried to shove it in their noses, and study in a prestigious school, go to med school, become a doctor like my dad, and…you know…go big or go home…” You purred as you broke the hug and cleaned the leftover tears on your eyes.

“You literally went home” Peter joked as you smiled and nodded, giggling softly between sniffs.

“Yeah, I did…” You purred. “But, Lauren told me it’s fine, she’s been able to make a living off The Fool’s Journey…and I’m managing through the coffee shop and MJ…”

“Hey, you’re doing an amazing job so far…” Peter said softly as he kept trying to lift you up. “You look pretty satisfied with your life, and not anyone can say that about their own…” He purred, leaning forward as he planted a gentle kiss on your forehead.

“Thank you, Peter…” You muttered.

As you two exchanged sweet stares, he grabbed your hand, entwining your fingers with his and kept walking towards your apartment.

As you two made it to your place, you walked into the apartment, which was normally lasting with Miles’s music as he worked on some new project or commission. This time, silence, and just the soft echo of the news playing in the background as you noticed not a single light was lit, despite the sun almost setting behind the ocean.

Miles sat up from the couch he was lying on and turned around, seeing you and Peter there, noticing your puffy face and knowing right away something had happened.

“Hey, what's wrong?” He asked, jumping out of the couch and approaching you.

“Gal showed up at The Coffee Pot today” You sighed tiredly as Miles’s mouth fell open.

“He fucking what?” He asked.

“Her manager got him out…” Peter said at once as Miles looked at Peter and then back at you.

“I’m so sorry, sis” He purred in a low voice and hugged you tightly. “Guess we both have to have shitty days, huh?” He purred with a bitter chuckle.

“We can be miserable together”  You murmured as you rested your cheek on his shoulder.

“Yeah, we can…” He chuckled.

You two remained hugging for a few seconds before breaking the hug, and you saw in Miles’s eyes a heavy silent burden. You still didn’t know what had Miles so worked up, and wanted to help him so badly, but you knew it was better to let Miles open up on his own.

“Should I…leave you guys?” Peter asked awkwardly, feeling like a strange third wheel despite you and Miles functioning more like siblings.

“No, I-I think we should…have a functioning person…in case..you know..whatever…” Miles said softly as he looked at Peter, attempting to smile through his still shocked face.

“Can I do something for you guys?” Peter asked.

“Keep us company?” You purred as you looked at him.

“Yeah” Miles added.

“Sure” Peter nodded as you looked back at Miles.

“So, what's wrong Miles?” You asked concerned as he’d texted you earlier he wasn’t doing so great and he needed some company for the afternoon, but didn’t go into any details.

“You haven't seen the news?” Miles chuckled bitterly as he grabbed his phone and unlocked it, scrolling through twitter.

“Haven't seen shit, nor checked my phone all day long…why?” You asked intrigued as Miles opened a link and showed you his screen as you read a headline ‘The Prowler Forgot The Meaning Of His Name’ followed by a brief description of what the police found on the streets, right where you’d been the night before, watching everything from the top of a building.

“Aaron got arrested…” Miles said as you looked up and met his stare, your eyes widening in horror.

“What?” You murmured, your voice barely audible and you looked down at the article on Miles’s phone as you read and scrolled, not playing as much attention as you wanted, since the news hit you like a cold bucket of water.

“Yeah…Spiderman got… caught …him…apparently he was some sort of bad guy…going by the name of The Prowler…” He said as your blood turned cold as Miles spoke and the words in his screen started making sense, connecting to the bits of your own memories. The purple guy Peter had caught and made him suspended from his web.

Your gaze returned to Miles as his own stare looked lost and unfocused. His shoulders were shaking lightly and you could tell Miles was struggling to keep himself collected. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out of it, as you saw Miles’s eyes tearing up. He closed his eyes and shook his head as he returned to the living room without saying anything. He laid on the couch and grabbed the x-box controller, turning the console on.

“I’m gonna go get some juice…want something from the kitchen, Miles?” You sighed softly, feeling sorry for him, knowing how much Aaron meant to Miles, and from the look in his eyes, you could tell Miles was deeply disappointed and perhaps even betrayed by Aaron.

“Some juice as well…” He purred in a low defeated voice. The echo hurt your heart as you nodded.

As you headed to the kitchen, you gently tugged on Peter’s sleeve, looking at him with puppy eyes. He got the message without you having to say anything as he silently followed you into the kitchen. His hand reached yours, as you entwined your fingers with his and gave his hand a gentle squeeze, finding comfort in his gesture.

You stopped in front of the fridge and turned around, letting go of Peter’s hand and staring into him worried.

“Can I talk to you?” You purred in a barely audible voice.

Peter nodded silently, knowing what you wanted to talk about.

“You knew?” You murmured, your eyebrows furrowing. He shook his head.

“No, I didn’t. Not until this morning when I saw it on the news…” He answered in a low voice as well to keep Miles from listening.

“Well,” You sighed and turned around, opening the fridge and taking the juice. “You still did the right thing…” You added.

“I do feel a bit guilty about it…” Peter said as he looked at the TV in the living room, as Miles started playing something colourful and over all cheerful, perhaps trying to keep his mind busy from what happened.

“You did what you had to do…” You replied as you grabbed a couple of glasses from the cupboard. “Do you want something to drink?” You asked, catching Peter’s attention.

“I-I…n-no. I’m fine...Thanks…” He replied softly as you nodded and poured juice in both glasses before taking the juice back to its original place.

You walked back to the living room, followed by Peter, as you handed Miles his glass and spoke softly.

“Juice”  You announced as Miles looked at you and sat up, taking the glass.

“Thanks…” He muttered and looked at you, as you sat on the couch next to where he was seated, and Peter sat next to you, particularly close to our, hips against each other, and your shoulders touching, Miles shook his head and sighed. “Hell of a day huh? I find out Aaron has been lying about how he makes money…turns out he’s some supervillain or whatever…Gal shows up at your work…”

“Cheers to the best day in history, hey?” You said sarcastically as you raised your glass at him, and Miles chuckled.

“Cheers” Miles laughed softly and took a sip. “At least we’ve got each other…” He said looking at you and smiling, as you smiled back and nodded.

“We do…” You muttered.

Miles went back to playing Stardew Valley, as you snuggled on the couch next to Peter, resting your cheek on his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around you, keeping you close, close to his warm body. After staying silent for a while, the sun at some point had set behind the horizon and now the apartment was only lighted by the TV. At least until Miles stopped playing and sat up.

“I’m going to take a nap…I’m falling asleep…plus I ain't feeling it today…” He sighed tiredy as he turned off the x-box and got up, walking to his room and turning the light above the living room.

“Go get some sleep…” You said as Miles waved as he disappeared behind his bedroom door.

“Don’t let me sleep more than two hours…” He announced as he walked out, leaning against the door frame. “Or else I’ll be waking up at 3 am and won’t be able to get any sleep…” You chuckled.

“We’ll wake you up, don't worry man” Peter said smiling softly at Miles as Miles nodded with a sly smirk.

“Thanks guys…” Miles said and went back inside his room, not even bothering to turn on any lights.

You snuggled back against Peter, burying your face in his chest, as you took a deep breath, feeling his smell and warmth all around him, as you realised how comfortable and safe you felt being so close to him. You stopped and wondered how long had you two been friends now…A few months? In the beginning it all felt like it was unfolding so fast, but now, it felt as if you’d known him for so long. Feeling his arms tightening gently around you brought you back from the depths of your thoughts as you felt your heart race slightly.

“Thank you” You whispered.

“For what?”

It took you a few seconds to reply, as you were more focused on how he was making you feel and his question almost slipped your attention.

“For staying…” You answered.

“I mean, you guys asked me to…” He replied as you pulled away and looked at him, your eyes still a bit puffy and tired from everything that had happened, as Peter saw his reflection in your glassy orbs, wishing he could fix all the damage Gal had left.

“I still appreciate it…” You said as you saw Peter smile and look away shyly.

“Can I tell you something?” He said, his voice lifting up a little bit, as you looked at him curiously.

“Yes, of course…”

Peter bit his lower lip softly, not sure how to bring up his thoughts. He looked at you with tender eyes and a cheeky smile, as he blushed lightly. He was well aware of how your feelings for each other were now in the open, and you seemed to correspond to them, but still, addressing them made him feel funny inside. He took a deep breath and looked away as he decided to bite the bullet.

“I’m kinda very, incredibly pissed at Gal…” He chuckled awkwardly as he looked at you. “Every time I think I’ll finally get a chance to kiss you, he sticks his nose and completely blows my chance…” He chuckled.

“Tell me about it, I’m also mad at him” You chuckled as you snuggled back against his chest.

“You stayed pretty collected earlier…” Peter purred as he gently rubbed your back with his hand.

“Yeah, I’m not sure how that happened…” You sighed.

“Hey, it doesn’t matter. You did it, and you’re great for doing so…” He comforted you, gently kissing your head and burying his face against your hair.

“Thank you, Peter…” You purred as you looked up at him, your nose gently brushed his chin as you closed your eyes, craving the kiss that had been delayed so much.

“Hey, I’m in no rush…If you’re waiting for the right time, I’m happy to wait too…” He purred as he brought his hand up, brushing your cheek with his fingers before cupping your face in his hand.

“I’m done waiting” You muttered as you leaned forward as Peter shook his head and slowly pulled away.

“Hmm, I'd rather not do this while you're pissed at your psychotic ex…” He purred, bringing his other hand to your face as he pressed his forehead to yours. “I really want to enjoy it and savour it…” He purred.

“Alright, fair…” You sighed as you closed your eyes and sighed, feeling slightly disappointed, although you could understand why he’d prefer to wait longer.

“I’m sorry” Peter said with a small smile as you looked at him and you shook your head.

He kissed your forehead sweetly and cuddled you as you looked for something to watch on Netflix, mostly to fill in the silence as the two of you remained tangled and close to each other. As the movie soon faded into background noise, you weren’t paying any attention and mostly focused on the way his warmth radiated through his clothes and into your body as you seemed to melt against him. God, this felt just right. This felt as good as very few things in life.

After a while his phone vibrated as he excused himself and used one of his arms to pull it out of his pocket. As he unlocked it, you watched him open an app with a very odd design, and upon a closer look  at the screen, you saw it was some sort of app that picked up on emergency lines and live locations where patrols were sent.

“What’s that…?” You asked curiously as you saw Peter focusing on his phone.

“I…uh,” He chuckled awkwardly. “An app I designed myself…” He said as if it was nothing as you stared at him surprised.

“You what?” You asked and raised an eyebrow as he looked at you and blushed lightly before he chuckled awkwardly.

“I may have hacked the emergency phone lines…” He said, clearing his throat.

“Come again?” You asked incredulously as he chuckled.

“Y’know…for my… other job” He purred as you kept staring at him.

“No yeah I got that..” You chuckled “It’s just…wow, that’s impressive” You acknowledged and nodded your head, staring at him as you pulled away, thinking he’d perhaps go take care of whatever his phone notified him of.

“Thanks…” He said as he stood up and you two exchanging knowing looks, as he realised he didn’t have to say anything, as you picked up on it yourself. “See you tomorrow?” He purred.

“Yeah, sure. I’d like that… “ You purred, smiling softly at him as he nodded as he walked to your bedroom and instinctively, you followed him.

As you walked inside your room, a few steps behind him, you noticed him changing into his Spiderman suit. You blushed lightly, although you didn’t get too see much of him, aside from his toned back soon disappearing under the red and blue suit. As he turned around and looked at you, you got a better view of him in his suit, compared to last night, when you saw him take off his mask although the dim street lights didn’t do much. This time, upon seeing him clearly, inside your room, it looked pretty surreal, Peter’s face coming out of the iconic suit. And knowing he was Spiderman.

As he approached your window, he was ready to pull the mask over his face. When you spoke.

“Hey,” Your voice stopped him as he turned around and looked at you with an attentive gentle stare. “Stay safe…” You purred, the concern in your voice making Peter’s heart melt as he looked into your eyes and nodded.

“Yeah, of course…” He purred sweetly as he looked at you with a particular adoration.

“And text me when you get home…even if its at 3 am”

The way you seemed to worry about him made his heart feel full. The way he constantly fantasised of having something stable, a warm home to return to, with someone waiting for him to receive him with open arms and a tight hug, to comfort him, to tell him he’d done a great job, now didn’t seem so wild and distant now. Even if you lived in different apartments, the fact that you were looking out for him, and telling him to take care was a good first step for him to finally get what he’d been craving oh so desperately.

He walked closer to you, as his hands immediately latched on to you, cupping your face as he bumped his forehead to yours. Caught in the moment, he had to stop you, his nose brushing yours as he sighed. He thought, if he kissed you now, there was no way in hell he was going to be able to drag himself out that window to fulfil his duty as the friendly neighbourhood Spiderman. He sighed deeply and looked up, pressing his lips to your forehead.

“Thank you for watching over me…” He purred, his lips still pressed against your forehead before he planted another kiss and pulled away. “You’re amazing” Peter purred before putting his mask on and finally leaving through the window into the fire escape as he jumped and started swinging, soon disappearing in the distance as you watched attentively, you heart wild and erratic in your chest as you thought how much of a lost cause you were.

You were in love with Spiderman.

~~~~

Thank you so much for reading! Likes and comments are very well appreciated!

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[ddosie]

# 2 and soobin for the prompt please!

you wouldn't say you were the sentimental type.

things came and went. kids grew into adults. that was just how life was. people grew apart, sometimes closer, and it was all expected.

you just never thought you would have to face it yourself.

it was a problem that you had only read about in story books. the handmaiden watches the price she fell in love with get married. she moves on. the king lets go of the memories of his favorite knight. he moves on. the queen loses her son, her only son. she moved on.

they all moved on. so why couldn't you?

"class! class! let's start this school year by introducing ourselves! i'll go first. my name is ms. hilton, and i'm your english teacher for this year! i've worked at this school for a long time now, and i can't wait to teach all of you kids!

okay, now that i've done my introduction, shall we go along the classroom and introduce ourselves? starting from you sir, yes you with the white and black sneakers. please start by telling us your name and a fun fact about yourself."

you watched as the said boy stood up, pushing his hair back with his hand.

"uh... hi everyone, i'm soobin, and one fun fact about me is i went to Europe this year."

as the next person got up to introduce themselves, you found yourself staring at him.

jeez, he was tall for a middle schooler.

the sun is filtering through the blinds in your room, and rays of light are being painted across the walls. everything is a golden color, from the desk to the bedside.

"so... what topic are we choosing for this project?" you watched through the lens of your glasses as soobin furrowed his brow.

"do you think, maybe aristotle?" you nodded your head eagerly, so soobin stood up and walked over to the teachers desk. a second later he sent you a thumbs up.

"aristotle it is."

you twirled your pen in your fingers as soobin took a seat. "hey do you want to work on the project with me over the weekend? i know a really good café...?"

there was a small smile on your face, and you nodded.

"yeah sure, what time?"

you got up from your chair, grabbing a camera. in this lighting, the room was just too pretty to not take a picture of.

"y/n, for someone of that height, there is no reason you should be walking that fast."

you sent a small smile to the long-legged boy trying to catch up with you in the hallway.

"if you don't want to be late to class bin, you're going to have to put those legs to work."

you let soobin catch up with you, and you slowed down your pace from thereon so the two of you could walk side by side. soobin pointed at the trophy shelf.

"do you think we'll win this year too? i hope we do, yeonjun promised a party at his house if we get placed first."

you gave soobin a reassuring pat on his arm.

"you'll be finneee... if you win, i'll take you out to icecream after."

the boy turned to look at you, a smile creeping into his eyes.

"really?"

"really."

fiddling around with the camera, you brushed the light dust that had collected on the top off. you watched as the particles were swept away, dancing in the dying sunlight.

"we should do this every year."

you turned to look at soobin lying next to you, ice-cream sandwhich in one hand, while the other was tucked behind him, supporting his head. he was looking above, admiring the night sky.

"you mean climb some random apartment stairs to get to rooftops? and risk our lives every season game to see a different view of the city at night?"

soobin let out a small laugh. "yeah, well when you put it that way, it does sound bad." you smiled, lying down with your own ice-cream sandwich, propping an arm under your head.

"...i meant the icecream tradition. you'll be there for my next season game, right?"

now it was your turn to admire the night sky.

"of course. i wouldn't miss it for the world"

grabbing a tissue, you went to work at the camera, cleaning dust from all crevices and corners of the lenses. you were surprised. when was the last time you had even taken a photo on this thing?

"hey bin, what's up?"

grabbing your phone and placing it on your desk, you made yourself comfortable, ready for any facetime tea he would spill.

"ah, y/n..." you watched as he ran a hand through his hair from the other side of the screen. "i don't think... i don't think i'll be able to make it to your birthday this year."

there was a quiet silence. you felt like you'd been punched in the gut.

"if i can ask, um, why?" you fiddled with the hem of your hoodie, waiting for an answer.

"the schedules for the basketball game lineups just came out, and the final season game is happening on your birthday. i just wanted to tell you in case we do win that far and i won't be able to come."

you decided to smile at the way soobin had said just in case they win. the two of you were in your sophomore year, and he hadn't lost a game since middle school.

"yeah, don't worry about it soob. we can still get icecream after."

you felt a turn in your stomach when the boy gave you a relived smile, running a hand through his hair again.

"that's all i wanted to say, i've got to go now"

"hm? why?"

"chem tutoring. these freshman are horrible at science."

adjusting the camera, you zoomed in on random objects in your room. the bookshelf. your water bottle. the lamp. click. click. click.

“did you hear? that senior yeonjun will be throwing a bigger party than last year! are you going y/n?”

you shrugged. “when is it?”

“I think it‘ll be this saturday.”

"can’t. I’ll be out of town”

"for what?

“college. I sent an early application, and one of them reached out and wants me to tour the campus. if i go, I’ll have a guaranteed spot next year, and I probably won’t have to apply to any others.”

your friend let out a low whistle and patted your head.

"well when you put it like that, I guess you really can’t go… but maybe we could get something after the game? i heard the ice cream place was still open”

just like that, a mere sentence felt like a silent punch to the gut.

you looked away from your friends face, scanning the cafeteria unknowingly. you were met with the view of a senior tussling soobin's hair, an arm slung across his neck. you could hear their loud conversation even from where you were sitting.

"you coming to my house after the game? me and the guys we're planning to get some icecream and stay over at my house for the night."

you thought you saw something flash in soobins eye's before he smiled, nodding in agreement.

abruptly standing up, you tossed an apology to your friend about how you wouldn't be able to make it and you had just remembered you had some important emails to send. you didn't want to be around when the words of confirmation came out of his mouth itself.

so much for a flash. the last time you had icecream with him was two years ago.

adjusting the lens once more, you caught your eye on a ticket stuck between two books on your desk. you slowly pulled it out. it was blue and grey, your school colors. there was a hole punched on the bottom, indicating it was used.

"and it's the last two minutes of the game, and hybe high is in the lead! if they can make this basket, it will guarantee a regional win for the school. oh! there goes hyunjin... passing to donghyuck who... also just passed to eric who, jeez, passed to soobin...! look at that! look at that!! we are in the last minute everyone, and if captain of hybe high makes this basket, like i said they will be the regional winners!!"

you let the sound of the announcer wash over you, leaning forward in your seat to watch the game.

for some reason you kept coming back. to this gym. to the basketball games.

to soobin.

it had been over a year since the two of you had really talked, the last icecream run being well over three years ago (a promise to go before your birthday was conveniently broken), and the last facetime was to ask for calculus answers.

you knew that you had faded out of the life of the star basketball player.

you just couldn't accept it.

"and soobin gets closer to the rim... oh! it looks like taehyun from bighit acadmy is a pretty good blocker... anyways look at him go! we have twenty second left, and even if he doesn't score hybe is still in for a win... okay, okAY?? WAIT WHAT!! WHAT!!"

there's a loud screech of the intercom that mixes with the cheers of the crowd. you found yourself on your feet, fists pumping in the air in celebration alongside the students in the bleachers despite yourself.

"AND CHOI SOOBIN SECURES THE PLACE OF HYBE HIGH IN DISTRICT REGIONALS!! ONCE AGAIN THE ACE HAS TOPPED EVERYONE AND BRANG HIS TEAM TO VICTORY!!"

you held the ticket tenderly. on the backside was stamped senior, a marker that counted as a discount for the upperclassmen that wanted to watch the game. flipping it over again, you felt a wave of something hit your stomach as you took in the grey and blue.

"hey y/n, wait up!"

you whipped around at the sound of an all too familiar voice.

there, stood soobin, in all his six foot and one inch glory.

"you.." he panted, hands on his knees as if he had run a million miles. "you walk too fast. what's the rush? you were cheering for me so loudly."

there was that feeling again. of being punched in the gut. by that invisible hand that seemed to favor your stomach whenever soobin was around.

"ah, you know... just getting home."

you tried not to stare too long. soobin had grown, matured. the baby face he donned as a middle schooler was gone, only his dimples a reminder of the childhood smiles you shared together.

"you're not... going anywhere? going straight home?"

you gave him a small smile. "...yeah. i'm going soon, so i really need to pack. good game though! you really did good this time around."

"going soon... to where y/n? are you taking a road trip without me?" you sensed a wary tone under his teasing words. three years apart, and this was the news you would have to tell him. curse the fates.

"yup! im, ah... moving cross country. i got accepted a while back."

you could already see the question in his eyes. how far? which major? on campus or near?

why didn't you tell me?

there was a moment of silence while you rocked back and forth on your heels. soobin pushed his hair back, looking into your eyes.

the heaviness of a thousand unanswered questions weighed in the air.

"so... want to catch up over icecream?"

as you held the basketball ticket from senior year, you realized three things.

one: you were the sentimental type. you clung onto old memories and good times like they were life jackets, keeping you afloat in the mundanity of your new life.

two: you didn't really like the idea of always moving on. it seemed so easy in the story books, that after a couple years the queen goes back to her ordinary life, the king appoints a new knight, and the princess finds someone she truly loved. but was there a time where you would just stop caring? was there a day you would wake up and didn’t think about what could have happened, the if only’s and what if’s?

three: you couldn't move on. you prided yourself on being able to move faster, walking a pace before everyone else. life was a journey, and you were going places. quite literally. you were floating when everyone was sinking.

but you were only floating because you had your life jacket.

...

things came and went. kids grew into adults. that was just how life was. people grew apart, sometimes closer, and it was all expected.

you clutched the ticket in your hand, the end slightly wrinkled by your fingers.

you just never thought you would have to face it yourself.

[hyunjilicious]

what is and what should never be [bucky barnes]

A/n: ok, so. Im really fucking insecure about this. I literally poured my heart into this fic. I'm genuinely unhappy with the beginning, but I promise you, it gets better!! I don't have it in me to rewrite it for the 4th time. I really hope you'll still like it though. If you ask me, this is the best fic idea I even had. Please, please, if you enjoyed it, let me know!!!

Summary: It was you and Bucky. An unlikely couple that shared equally disturbed pasts. When you get a day off, your paradise turns into hell as Bucky's nightmares return, leaving you alone to deal with The Winter Soldier. (FLUFF, SMUT, ANGST) 12k

Warnings: 2 smut scenes - they're graphic but not extreme, fluff, angst, violence, mentions of death and suicide, blood, a fight scene - also quite graphic but it was written to serve the angst. I don't want to spoil the ending, but if you really connect with the characters, you will not hate me!!

This day had been long awaited. After months of back to back missions and endless efforts to climb up the greasy pole of US social standards, words failed to describe how ecstatic you were to know, that for the next 24 hours, your whole schedule would fully be in your hands.

You had the freedom to do just about anything you wanted, and the simple fact that the rest of the avengers left to deal with some paperwork excited you to no end. You woke up when it was time for them to take off, and made a snarky remark about heading to the gym - something along the lines of having a productive day centered on self development.

Just about 20 minutes later, you and Bucky, now also alone in the Stark Tower, decided to start off your day on the right foot. He offered to make protein smoothies as you changed into something comfortable and fitting for a workout, but neither of you got their job done.

You had no idea how that happened, but before you knew it you were wearing your sports bra and still had your pajama pants on, moaning on the counter of Tony's kitchen as Bucky had lodged himself between your legs, hungrily exploring the heated skin of your neck, peppering you with bruise marks that represented his adoration for you. "You heal fast anyway" he shrugged, pulling you closer and digging his teeth into your flesh, sucking profusely and eliciting an erotic moan from your lips. 

With every new hickey he left, another one would disappear, which in turn would make him even more frustrated, “The hell should I do? Tattoo hickeys on you!?” he groaned, moving up your neck. You caught his cheeks into your palms and kissed him back, smiling as he kept getting more and more aggravated. 

It didn't come as a surprise when the blender went berserk, splattering fruit pulp, almond milk and protein powder all over the pristine walls of the room - both of you have long forgotten about it. 

The way Bucky cleaned the mess was the epitome of not giving a shit, and you couldn't find it more endearing. He bitched and whined his way through the whole process, and tears formed at the corners of your eyes at the ridiculousness of the half assed job he just did. 

You eventually reached the gym - of course, against all your pouting and begging to put off this session. "Doll, you're the only avenger who can't fight. A punk on the street could snap your purse and there would be nothing you can do"

Wrong, he was not. You couldn't fight - but at the same time that didn't mean you were defenceless. It was your immense power that for months on end made your teammates consider you a liability. The energy that surged through your veins had been too great for you to handle, and in fact, it still was, but now, thanks to the joined efforts of Tony and Bruce, there was a way for that power to be contained. Their solution came in the form of two massive shackles wrapped around the length of your forearms. They were made of dimeritium and kept all kinds of energy from leaving your body. But, even so, that energy was in full form, buzzing inside every fiber of your being. And so, while wearing them you couldn't attack anyone, but there wasn't a way for them to harm you either. That field of energy protected you from every kind of damage and wounds you had ever encountered, ranging from fist fights to automatic rifles to guided grenades.

"I'm the only one that doesn't need to know" you huffed and puffed, annoyed but still determined to get this first training session done with.

But that never happened. Halfway through your warm up rounds, your teasing side awoke and it took you about ten minutes to go from batting your eyelashes and flaunting your ass, to nonchalantly cupping his cock into your hand.

No one could blame Bucky for not even trying to stop you. Bless him, he did everything he could, but he was never able to resist you. And probably never will be.

By the time you were done at the gym, both your bodies were coated in lecherous layers of sweat, no of them being from actually working out. It was only a matter of time until you managed to break his self control and he had you sprawled on all fours in the middle of the boxing ring, moaning your soul out as he pounded your pussy. 

The momentum made your whole frame rock back and forth, your hair falling around your face, "Holy fuck-" 

The room vibrated with the vulgar slaps he afflicted on your bare ass. You arched your back and cried his name out loud, "Come on, Bucky- I- harder please-"

"How are you already so needy?" he chuckled, caging your waist between his strong arms and pulling you up until your back reached his chest. "I ate this pussy this morning before we got out of bed"

"You know I love your tongue-" you giggled out of breath as you tried to look at him over your shoulder. "But it doesn't compare to your cock"

"What does?" Bucky rhetorically questioned before picking up his pace. He kept slamming his hips into yours, fucking you at full force as with each thrust, his cock rammed against your walls hard enough to make you see stars.

"I'm really fucking close, Buck" you whined, feeling your knees start to refuse to maintain your weight any longer. 

"Don't cum yet" he panted, "Wait for me"

"Fuck, fuck, fuck-" you cried out loud, liquid pleasure seeping out of you in the form of fresh tears streaming down your cheeks. "Please-" you whined, "I can't hold it anymore, I'm-"

"Not yet, baby" Bucky groaned, easily stopping you from wiggling around in his hold. His thrusts became sloppy and the orgasm got the best of him. He buried his face deep in your shoulder as his high forced guttural moans to rip from his throat. 

As he filled you up with his cum, as much as you wanted to comment about him making you wait and then not even bothering to tell you you could cum, you couldn't. Your eyes rolled back in pleasure and your chest heaved as the spiral of bliss seemed to go on and on, tons of ecstasy propagating in long painful waves across your body.

"Fuck-" Bucky panted as helped you up, "I could get used to days like this. We should retire"

"I'm not retiring-" you teasingly shook your head, "not until you find a way to give me a baby"

"I'd give you all the babies" he retorted, tugging your hand.

It caused you to lose your balance and stumble into his chest, "I love you"

"Love you" Bucky kissed the top of your head and spun you around. With his palms on your hips, he started guiding you towards the door, "Let's get you cleaned up"

And then, another wave of unproductivity followed. You showered, ordered pizza, whined about how there was still some smoothie left on the floor, and after you warned him about it, your face fell as Bucky stepped directly in the middle of the puddle of almond milk. He was fuming, the incident wiped any traces of happiness off his face. He mumbled something about that being the last pair of comfy socks he had left and something about Tony's devices being a constant pain in the ass. 

He went on and on until you ambushed him with kisses up his neck and shoved your hands under his shirt. In an instant his bickering turned into soft giggles as he innocently relaxed under your touch. You eventually cleaned up the mess and tried to make yourself busy. Nothing worked, you weren't in the mood for anything and at the same time, even though you did absolutely nothing all day, you felt a wave of tiredness envelop you.

At about 4pm, and you Bucky had already been lazily laying in bed, a mess of tangled limbs under the fluffy duvet. Your conversation started from the tactical gear he swore would look better on you than on him and then wondered how you didn't know how to sow.

"I'll hit you" you threatened.

"I'm sorry" he laughed, holding onto your forearm as it was resting on his chest, "But you know how much I love it when you get angry at my misogynistic jokes"

"It's rude" you scoffed - you didn't mean his jokes, but the fact that when he grew up, women were not anywhere near where they are today. 

"You know I don't mean it"

"I know you don't" you laughed, "Otherwise I'd have actually hit you"

"Don’t worry" Bucky said, "I'd hit myself if I was that stupid"

"Cute" you smiled, kissing his shoulder. Looking up at him, you promoted your chin against his chest, "Do you miss it? The 40s i mean"

He thought about it for a second. "Nah" there was a bit of nostalgia in his tone, but you believed him. "I've kinda made my peace with the fact that everyone from my old life is gone. I wouldn't want to go back now. I got you. I got all of you guys. I'm good now, really good"

"I'm glad" you beamed, feeling yourself warm up from the inside just thinking of the progress he made. After a few seconds, you spoke up again, "But what about the society? Like the day to day life? How do you like the 2010s?"

"I can't lie" Bucky laughed, "I liked Romania better. Much simpler."

"You lived in a dead beat apartment, hiding everyday" you scoffed, "How was that better?"

"I don't know… maybe it was the simple life. Apparently I'm all about that"

"You'd move back there?"

"If you came with me?" he questioned, looking down at you. There was genuine sincerity in his eyes and a hint of a smile at the corner of his lips. "Wouldn’t even think twice"

"Maybe one day" you sighed with content. You snuggled back against his side, and closed your eyes. "We're not done avenging yet" you mumbled.

He didn't say anything to that. You didn't know whether he was getting lost in thoughts or if he was starting to drift off, but you would have been fine with either. When he spoke up again, you didn't expect the conversation to take this route.

"About Romania…" he sighed, "What made you come with Steve back in 2016?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean-" he muttered, rubbing his light stubble, "I know why Steve came-" Bucky chuckled, "And Sam's all up his ass, so there's that. But what about you?"

"I-"

"I'm aware of the rift I caused between you guys back then. So that's why I'm asking. What made you stand by Steve from the beginning?"

"I knew how much you meant to him. And I know how this is going to sound, but I felt sorry for you, Buck. I know what it's like to be alone, to have everyone turn against you. You deserved better"

"Love-?" he called softly, his voice nearly breaking. "What do you mean you know what it's like to have everyone turn against you?"

As you maintained the eye contact, you felt tears prickle, "I know it wasn't fair of me to keep my past a secret, but-"

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to-" he said softly, his eyes warm. The pain was readable on his features, he hated how your whole demeanour changed.

"It's not that I don't want you to know, it's just that I hate talking about it. Gives me nightmares."

"Then we can just drop it" Bucky murmured, gathering you closer.

"I wish you could know without me telling you" you laughed, "You make everything better and easier. I should've told you, I know. It isn't fair to you. We've been together for almost two years but as far as you're concerned I didn't exist until I joined the avengers. I don't even know how much they know. We never talked about it"

"Love, listen to me. I'm here whenever you want to talk about it. You didn't do anything wrong. There are a lot of things about me that you don't know either. We're not those people anymore. No one can blame us for trying to escape out past"

"Yeah, you're right" you sighed.

Gathering your power, you pushed yourself up and settled beside him, with your legs crossed. You grabbed his hand pulling it into your lap, and intertwined your fingers with his as you spoke.

"Forget the official story, there's no truth to it anyway"

"I really didn't believe your mum was a criminal and that you were in a mental asylum" he joked.

"Good-" you smiled, his words lifting the atmosphere a bit. "Truth is, I don't know anything about my parents. But I have my assumptions. I grew up in that soviet facility so I never met them. I was told it was owned by a group of socialite scientists who wanted our help"

"Our? Who's we?"

"There were 7 of us"

"Did they have the same power as you?"

"Approximately. When we were younger, we used to comply and do everything we were told but as we grew up, things started to change. We weren't happy. Who could be? Considering we were being held in cells and studied like lab rats. We started to act differently and some might even say we tried to rebel, but that didn't work obviously, and that's when the restrictions began. For the last 3 years I spent there, there hadn't been a day where the temperature passed 0°C." 

Your skin crawled as you recaled the endless nights you spent shivering your way to sleep. Everything around you was ice cold. But it wasn't for the sole purpose of torturing you. It was your only weakness. As the temperature dropped, so did the movement of the atoms that made up your body - eliminating your powers to the point where you were barely alive. 

"One day, as spring came, we wanted to break out. We made a plan, and figured that as soon as we were out, we'd be fine. We were wrong. We were off about the weather and they got us before we even exited the perimeter. That's when the avengers heard about us."

By now, Bucky's eyes were wide with genuine curiosity, his mouth agape as he took in the information you provided. With every word you spoke his grip tightened around your fingers and his eyebrows gathered even further. There was discomfort and anger in his features, but he didn't interrupt you once.

"After that, the restrictions got tougher. We realised there was no way out. A lot of things came together in that small time frame. I realised what that place actually was days after we tried to escape. My friends - or that's what I thought they were, figured out another plan. Why fight when you can just eliminate the premise?"

Bucky moved his lips but no words came out. He cleaned his throat and sat up a bit, "What- what do you mean?"

"They tried to kill me" you said, plastering a sympathetic smile on your lips, hoping it would make it easier for him to hear.

"What the fuck. Why?"

"I think my dad used to be part of that team. And I think he made me the way I am. Now I don't know why he wasn't around anymore, but that team wasn't trying to get us to do anything. They were trying to make more of me. So if I was dead-"

"There would be no reason to keep the other kids…" Bucky finished the sentence for you.

You nodded.

"And what happened?"

You bowed your head trying to find a way to put your words together. Bucky didn't rush you, just reassuringly rubbed his thumb across your knuckles, waiting. When a tear from your cheek slipped and landed on the back of his hand, you looked up and took a deep breath. "I killed them. All of them."

He didn't say anything. Didn’t move a muscle, as he waited for you to continue. 

"I didn't even want to do that, Buck" you sobbed, breaking down. "I killed over 20 people because I was afraid. I didn't even move. I was in the corner of my room the whole time, but everyone who approached me was fried to death. I don't even know how I did that. I was just scared"

"Oh, baby" Bucky cooed, pushing himself up to wrap his arms around you. You fell against his chest, crumbling in his embrace. "I hope you know that was not your fault, ok?" he asked, rubbing your back. "You were just a kid, alone and afraid. It breaks my fucking heart, those bastards. Please don't feel sorry for them"

"I feel sorry for the other kids"

"They tried to kill you, Y/n" Bucky countered, "If you hadn't killed them, I would've gone after them. All of them"

"They were desperate..."

"So were you!"

"I can't help but feel like a monster sometimes, you know? Like I'm reckless and out of control. There are times when I'm all happy and excited about what tomorrow would bring, and then i remember what I did, and I have a hard time fighting away the thoughts that try to tell me I don't deserve that"

"What you deserve is the fucking world ok?" Bucky said, tilting your chin so you could see just how serious he was. "This past couple of years, you saved hundreds of lives and I know for a fact you did it out of the pure kindness of your heart, not because you wanted to make up for anything in the past. You're a fucking angel. You're the embodiment of good, you hear me? I know you. You'll never understand how much respect I have for you, and how in awe I am with the kind of person you are. Please, don't ever think less of yourself. Ever, ok?"

Tears rolled down your cheeks as his words proved to be much more than you were able to hear at that moment. "Thanks, Buck. That's sweet of you to say-"

"It's not sweet of me to say, it's the fucking truth" he scoffed, but he somehow managed to make it sound loving. "You didn't even fucking try, but just being around you made me feel like a person again. You're amazing, Y/n. We're all lucky to have you. I'm lucky to have you."

"You're gonna make me cry" you sniffled, curling yourself into a ball against his chest, "I know you were in a dark place when we met. I'm glad I managed to help you through it"

"You pulled me through it" he sighed, tightening his hold around you. "I went from wanting to die, to thinking that I didn't even deserve the easy way out. Look at me now."

"Buck, stop"

"I love you so fucking much" Bucky laughed. 

His whole frame shook as he pulled you back down, safely holding you between his arms, "You're amazing" he added, kissing the top of your head, "Perfect"

"I said, stop" you chuckled, slapping his side, "I get it, you like me, can we-"

"I adore you" Bucky cut you off after grabbing the sides of your face between his palms. "And thanks for trusting me. I know it wasn't easy for you to talk about your past, so thank you. I'm always here for you. If there's anything ever, I got you, ok? Forever"

"I got you too" you added, kissing his cheek and then moving along his jawline, "No matter what happens, you'll always have me on your side. I'm all yours, Bucky"

"Yeah, you are, doll. All mine"

After that talk, how you managed to fall into a deep sleep will always remain a mystery. Nightmares didn't make their way into your mind, and you settled for a dreamless slumber, actually fully content for the first time in a long while.

But not everybody processed grief the same way. And if Bucky mentioned earlier that he was lucky to have you, as you were pulled out of your sleep, you realised that he wasn't as lucky as you were when it came to the mysteries that creep up on you when you least expect them.

-

"Wake up sunshine"

The sound reached your ears, but it wasn't Bucky's voice, so you just groaned in response and rolled over to the other side, completely pressing your face into the pillow.

"Buttercup, it's time to wake up"

The voice seemed uneasy, as if the person speaking was actually terrified. You opened your eyes wearily, and were met with the usual, complete darkness of your room. 

"Come on, Y/n" they spoke again. You turned to see one of Tony's maintenance robots hovering above your body, one small screen lit up on its front. Blinking a few times to rid yourself of the sleep still lingering in your eyes, you managed to make out the faces of Tony and Steve, both staring at you.

"What's going on?" you mumbled.

"You've got incoming," Tony announced, and then shook his head at whatever someone next to him had said. The microphone wasn't performant enough for you to hear what the other person said, but it was not like you cared.

"Incoming what?" you questioned, still confused out of your mind.

He turned his attention back to you, "The asshole"

You frowned and Steve scoffed, "Y/n, it's Bucky. He's not well"

"Wh-" you mumbled, your head snapping to the side, only then realising his side of the bed was empty. You shuffled your arm around the sheets, still warm. "What- what happened?"

"He's gone rogue, Y/n" Steve announced, genuine worry and guilt audible in his voice, "You need to make sure he doesn't leave. You need to stop him"

Tony's workstation. You needed to get the shackles off your arms if you wanted to stand a chance, "Tony? How do I take these off?" you asked, pointing to your cuffs.

"Already taken care off" he nodded, "Get to my desk, it's unlocked. All you need to do is actually get there. If you can"

"If I can-?" you began asking, but a loud explosion sound cut you off, causing the bed to shake as a wind blew through your room. "What the fuck!?"

"He may have found the grenade launchers" Tony smiled bitterly.

"Y/n," Steve called for you, "Please, be careful. And call us. Me and Nat will take the jet but I don't know-"

"Don't worry" you shook your head, jumping off the bed and rushing to your closet. You chose the first clothes you saw laying before your eyes and put them on, ready to go look for Bucky. "I got this, I promise"

"Oh, and Y/n?" Tony said, making you turn to him at the last minute, "Try not to fry my tower"

You nodded and refrained from making any promises you didn't know you could keep. 

As soon as you walked out the door, the sound of automatic rifles going off became deafening. Stepping over piles of broken glass, you made your way to the emergency staircase, heading to Tony's lab. You did so with maximal caution, knowing that if you were spotted, there would be no going back.

Descending the last remaining flight of stairs until his work station, a rush of adrenaline surged through you, knowing just how close you were. Silently rounding the corner, your eyes landed on Bucky's frame, easily holding one of the remaining SHIELD agents up by the neck.

He turned to look at you, eyes cold and empty. Not even rage. There was nothing there. No expression, no empathy, no feeling. It was as if he was dead. This wasn't him. 

"Buck-" you panted, raising your hands up in the air, signaling surrender. You eyed Tony's desk, determined to stall him until you managed to free yourself of the cuffs.

You took a cautious step to the side, hands still up in the air. Bucky watched you as the man struggled against his hold, legs spasming uncontrollably as he kicked and squirmed, even though it was so clearly in vain.

"Don’t mind me-" you smiled, sweat flooding your pores as you slowly approached your destination. "I'll just-"

"You'll just what-?" Bucky groaned, flinging his victim with impeccable ease. The agent's body flew across the room, crushing into the only device that had the power to help you get through this. As the work station crumpled under his weight, so did your hopes of getting out of this. 

"Bucky, hey-" you mumbled, afraid of pissing him off, "I-"

"Who the hell is Bucky?" he frowned, starting to march towards you. Your blood ran cold, knowing you didn't have what it took to keep up with him. You were never able to dodge anyone's blows, let alone his. When he reached you, his hand instantly reached around your neck, lifting you off the floor, "SHIELD?" he asked after taking a look at your attire. Although not carrying the emblem, it was probably the only explanation that made sense to him.

"Well, um-" you huffed, holding onto his wrist in hopes of not running out air, "No, not SHIELD"

"Then who are you?" he growled, tightening his hold on your windpipe.

"Fuck-" you gasped, kicking your legs, even through he didn't even flinch when you hit him. "You're not gonna believe this but, um-"

"Try me"

You looked into his eyes, hoping it would serve as some kind of a memento, that maybe he'd remember you. "You know me, Buck. It's Y/n, I'm- your girlfriend?"

Even saying it made you feel weird. This killing machine, apparently hell bent on wrecking havoc, was not the man you loved, and you cringed just imagining his reaction to hearing your words.

And it did turn out to be worse than expected, as he spun around, doing a complete 180° with your body before slamming you down on the floor. The wood cracked under your bones, knocking the wind out of you. The pain of the impact was excruciating, propagating along your body in waves of some physical agony you had never felt before. The sound of your bones cracking made you sick to your stomach. Your ears caught the sound of your arteries being torn as your organs collapsed.

And if you felt every inch of your body being shattered and destroyed, it was God's way of making you pay for your parent's mistakes, as when your wounds healed mere seconds later, the pain did not go away. Your nerve receptors still registered damage to the tissues, and no matter whether you were actually as good as new, your brain couldn't process that.

What consumed you the most was the fact that as you struggled to stand up, the pain of broken limbs lingered on. But you fought through it, gathered yourself and stood up, facing him again.

You winced with every muscle contraction, but eventually your eyes met his. He showed curiosity, along with something else. Something else which you wished wasn't determination to finish you.

"Can we-" you whimpered, extending a hand, "Can we talk?"

"Talk!?" Bucky raged, grabbing your wrist and twisting your arm to the point where he spun you around, your back pressing against his chest. "Not here to talk" he growled into your ear.

The hairs on your body stood as you heard his voice. Even though it was technically the same voice you loved more than anything in the world, it made you now shiver with a fear you've never experienced before. 

You didn't get a chance to sink too deep in your thoughts before Bucky raised your arm, dislocating your shoulder and busting your humerus into pieces. The pain cut your legs at the knees and you screamed in agony, falling to the floor at his feet.

"Stand up" he commanded, slamming his foot into your side. The momentum made your body roll away, until you settled back on the ground, face deep in the rubble. Your muscles pulled you to your feet with ease, but the pain coursing through you was immense, nowhere near close to what you thought bearable. You felt the skin being ripped from your body and when you looked down, your clothes were torn, soaked in blood, but your skin was intact. It was what you needed to keep going - to get inside your head the fact that you were fine, because at this point, the pain was one bruise away from making you faint.

"Bucky, please-" you cried.

"Stop calling me Bucky!" he yelled, starting to approach you again.

With every step he took, you slowly backed away. "Please, listen to me, just a second, please!"

He shook his head no, a demented smile on his lips as he closed in on you.

"Bucky-"

As a reply to your question, his fist flew up, slamming into your jaw, hard enough to throw you to the ground, "Why do you keep calling me-"

"What else do you want me to call you, huh?" you yelled at him, vision blurred under too many layers of tears. "Tell me, and I'll do it if it'll get you to listen to me."

"I don't want you to call me anything-" he cocked his head to the side, unstrapping a handgun from his thigh. He loaded it as you barely managed to crawl away, "You can take the pain. I respect that. Let's see how well you do with these lead bullets"

You saw them in slow motion, barely managing to duck your head behind the remains of what once was a heavy wooden bookshelf. The bullets missed your chest and face, but you saw them, felt them penetrate your skin, ripping through your muscles. 

The sound of your tissues being pulled to shreds made you feel sick to your stomach. As the bullets left your body, your wounds closed back up, leaving you a crying mess on the floor. Your throat constricted due to the wave of shock that hit your body, and your lungs started hyperventilating. Lightheaded and gasping for air, you struggled to crawl away from him, tears marching down your face and ending up on the floor, nothing but diluting the droplets of blood that had fallen from your body mere minutes before. Your heart was in overdrive and your vision blurred as every fiber of your being threatened to let you down. "Please-" you screamed, your voice breaking as you raised your hand for him, "Let's talk, please. That's all I want. Give me a minute"

But he didn't. He didn't even consider it. Instead, the force that controlled the body of the only man that ever managed to make you feel safe, tortured, destroyed and consumed your body for what felt like the better part of an eternity.

You had been thrown through walls, shattered windows, had glass shards lodged into your body from all angles. He unloaded cannon after cannon on you, used up all the ammo he had on him, only growing more and more annoyed when you refused to give up.

There was no way to know how much time had passed. Now you were standing by the window, inches away from the spot where two nights ago, you and Bucky clicked your glasses, smiling at how far you both had come. He laughed, saying he wouldn't have made it without you. And then he kissed you, confessing that the thought that maybe you couldn't have made it without him either, was what kept him going. 

And then there you were. 48 hours later, again, just the two of you. But now there weren't any champagne glasses between you, just his metal arm, wrapped around your neck, this time, as he said, for the last time.

"I don't get it-" he scowled, teeth gritted and frustration in his voice, "Why don't you fight me?"

"I can't fight you" you whimpered as your tears poured down against his cold hand, "And even if I could, I wouldn't."

"WHY?" Bucky screamed, and for a second, you thought you saw a crack there, a glister of emotion hidden deep in his otherwise beautiful eyes.

"Because I love you" you cried.

But there was none. He rolled his eyes and pushed you back, your body slamming into the window. You should've thought faster, been more witty and considerate, but terror washed over you and in the heat of the moment, you grabbed onto him for dear life, pulling him down with you, plummeting to the ground from what looked like the 70th floor of the Stark Tower. 

If until now you had been afraid of what you'd have to endure, it was now that you met true terror. You'd survive the fall, but he wouldn't. 

Even in the air, approaching the ground at a dangerous speed, he kept fighting you. Even in this state, you admired his determination - he had a job and wanted to get it done - even if that job was killing you. A man of his word.

By now, the pain was unnoticeable. If you wanted to keep him alive you had to act fast. Clinging to his body despite his vicious protests and ruthless blows, you used your momentum to turn the two of you around. And you did so at the last second, as before you knew it, your bodies crashed into the boulevard below, sinking down into the asphalt as it crumpled under your weight. 

The impact cut your breath away and there was a gnawing feeling all over your body, as if you had blades under your skin, pulling your body apart fiber by fiber. But you snapped out of it.

"Bucky!" you yelled, slapping his cheek.

He had fallen completely on top of you, his head pressed against your chest. He didn't move and the continuous buzz in your ears made it physically impossible for you to tell whether he was breathing for not.

"Bucky, please-" you cried, trying to move him so you could see his face. 

Nothing.

"No, no, no!!" you screamed, "You can't die, baby, please! Not like this, love. Please come back to me, Buck, I'm begging you!!"

You remained there and wailed, with him glued to your chest. Your arms had wrapped around his motionless frame, keeping him as close as you could. Nothing could have gotten you to stop. Tens of people gathered around the crater your fall created around your bodies, police showed up, cameras were pointed at your faces, but you didn't care. If he died, so would you. 

"You're all I have, baby-" you muttered, voice hoarse and dry from all the wailing and crying, "Please, you can't leave me. This can't be the end of us. Please, I don't know what to do, Bucky, please!"

You were soaked. In blood, and you didn't even know whether it was his or yours. God, how you hoped it all belonged to you, how the pool of blood you laid in was all yours. Tears soaked your face, pouring down your temples as your whole frame shook with your sobs, that was the true agony. You'd rather spend the rest of your days fighting for your life if it meant he got to see the sun again. You wished he'd hate you, rather than not feel anything at all ever again.

"Please-" you said again but this time your voice didn't even reach your own ears, you didn't hold that power anymore, "Please, you need to come back! You deserve so much better than this. You're the best man I have even known, you can't die like this, not today, Bucky. Not today!"

By now, the people around you had scattered. They knew your identities and for all the wrong reasons, feared you both. You were grateful for that now, you were alone with him again, as the sun began to set and a chilly New York night began to settle. 

Still, you didn't move. You still had faith. Or you were just stubborn. There was no way you'd pull away until someone either pried him off of you against your will, or someone that you trusted showed up promising they'd help.

None of them came, and you remained there, cradling his frame to your chest begging whatever God was listening, to bring him back. You didn't know if one of them heard you, or if it was just blind luck or fate, but you only realised his metal arm was lodged under your body when he moved it.

"Buck!" you cried, cupping his cheeks in your bloodied palms as literal life cursed through your veins. "Oh god, you're ok, you're alive!! You came back to me!"

You managed to hug him close one more time, before he pushed himself off of you. In the process of standing up, his eyes met yours for the briefest second. Again, nothing.

He gathered himself to his feet, wordlessly bending down to grab your hair. He forced you up and you instantly obliged, following him back into the building.

Once inside, he knocked you through a glass door, your body once again absorbing his fury. The pain had dissipated into a dull ache, and this time, you stood up faster. "I can do this all day" you sighed, the lie slipping past your lips with such ease, as if the energy inside your core wasn't running dangerously low.

"What did you just say?" he questioned.

He seemed taken aback, "I said that I can do this all day"

"Who are you?" Bucky yelled, marching towards you, determined to get answers out of you through nothing else but brute force. He slammed you back onto the floor, only to straddle your thighs and pick you up by the collar of your shit. "Why won't you just fucking die!?"

Circling your fingers around his wrists, you searched for his eyes, "Wanna know what keeps me alive?"

"Are you stupid enough to tell me?"

"I might be" you shook your head, "but I'll still tell you"

"Why?"

"Because I know you won't kill me" you cried, "I know you know me. I know you're in there somewhere. The man I love. I know you don't have it in you to kill me"

"Try me" he laughed, drunk with the power you were so willing to give him.

"These-" you panted, raising your arms in the air to show him your cuffs, "These are what's been keeping me alive but I know you won't-"

But you never finished the sentence. He didn't even think twice before ripping them off your arms and throwing them onto the floor, along with all the other mess you two had made.

You never thought he'd actually spare you. So it wasn't a surprise when the first thing he did after freeing you, was reach for his knife with the sole purpose of driving it through your chest.

But you were faster. You framed his face into your palms, releasing the energy from your body and allowing it to flow through his. It felt weird, wrong and chaotic, and the power surge wiggled itself out of your control, until a blast between your bodies sent you both flying back across the room, falling down onto the floor.

And this time none of you stood up.

-

"I leave them alone for what, a day?" Tony sighed, walking out of his Iron Man suit. 

"Holy shit!" Steve cried out, his knees betraying him as he tried to rush to you.

"No, wait!" Nat stopped him, "You can't wake them up until we get them somewhere safe. We need to make new cuffs for Y/n, and find a way to keep Bucky contained in case, you know… he's still not Bucky"

Steve was fuming with anger, nostrils flaring, "These are my friends you're talking about!" he exclaimed, pointing to your bodies on the floor, "Your friends too, Nat. You see them like this and the first thing you think about is restraining them!?"

"We need to make sure we're all safe" she sighed with sympathy, grabbing his hand for a comforting rub.

"You make sure you're safe-" Steve scoffed, "I'll make sure they're alive"

"Hey-" Nat stopped him, "If you touch her and startle her in any way, you die!"

Her words hurt him but he knew you never would. Steve felt his heart shutter just imaging what you must have gone through. He was ablaze with pure determination to prove Nat wrong, and to do right by you and Buck. "I carried her in my arms while she was passed out when we rescued her from that facility-" he fummed, pointing at you, "She never knew a man that didn't try to hurt her before. And when she woke up, she was afraid. Scared for her life. She cried in my arms and begged me to not let them take her again! She was never anywhere close to hurting me! She's good. So good. There's only good inside of her, I trust her to not hurt me more than I trust myself, ok? If I'm wrong, so be it. I die. I don't care. She deserves someone to look after her. If I had to chose, saving her would be the way I'd want to go"

His rant left Nat speechless. She just gave him a simple nod and stepped back. 

Carefully, he picked you up and carried you upstairs, as Tony put his suit back on and carried Bucky.

-

Never in your life had you woken up this fast. Your eyes snapped open and you sprung to your feet. 3 pairs of anxious eyes watched you, all of them ready to jump into action in case the situation called for an intervention.

"What-" you gawked, scanning the room, "Where is Bucky? Is he- is-"

"He's fine, Y/n" Steve assured you. He stood up and slowly approached you, arms outstretched. Your first instinct was to go for it, but when you reached him, you placed both your hands in his, and looked up at him with teary eyes.

"Are you sure?" you whimpered, "Can I see him?"

Sympathy took over his features, but Tony jumped in, "Absolutely not"

"What-" you turned to him, "Why? Did I-?"

"You didn't do anything wrong" Steve hummed, engulfing you in a hug even though you remained stiff in your spot. He rubbed your back, eager to soothe your worried mind, but you were too out of it.

“Can I just go?” you whispered, pulling back just enough so that he could see how serious you were, “I need to see him, please”

“Are you mad at him?” Nat asked with caution and your face fell.

“No!” you gasped, stepping away from Steve’s embrace, “No, not even one bit. I know that was not him, I know it’s not his fault. But when Bucky wakes up-”

“If he wakes up-” Tony sneered, roaming around the room. He nursed a glass of whiskey, as a mixture of disgust and exhaustion was readable on his features. 

“When he wakes up!” you spoke through gritted teeth. Determination coated your words and the hairs on your body stood as you refused to even think of the alternative. “He will wake up. And I have to be there”

“What if the Winter Soldier wakes up?” Nat asked.

“That didn’t stop me last time”

“Oh, no!” Tony butted in, stepping in between you and Nat, arms outstretched, “You know I’m not one to cry after money, but you and your pal left me with $37 million worth of damage. You two are one broken cup away from getting thrown into the streets”

The sum he mentioned made the skin on your back crawl. You didn’t even have $37 dollars to your name, but it made sense. Your body alone crashed through three TV’s, one gamma ray projector and if you thought about it, you remembered Bucky pulling apart one of the Iron Legion robots, and only the thought made you flinch. 

“So-” Tony said, “You two? Never in the same room again!”

“Take these off then” you suggested, pointing at the cuff on your wrists.

“Ha” Tony exclaimed, “A big chunk of that money comes from you frying all my electronics up until the 12th floor. Absolutely not”

“Tony, I’m serious” you whined, “He will hate himself. I need to be there! I need to make sure he doesn’t take all the blame on his shoulders”

He frowned, and sighed. He wasn’t an unreasonable man, and you hoped that core deep inside his chest really made up for a heart. And… it did. None of them were happy about it, but they finally accepted. Nat and Tony would have never probably given up if it wasn’t for Steve - right now, like so many times before, he really did seem like your guardian angel.

They ended up monitoring the room, and Tony waited for your signal, one hand on his cigarette, the other on the Iron Man suit. He was all talk - if anything was to go down and you would actually be in danger again, he wouldn’t even think twice before tearing his towers into pieces if it meant he could get you out alive.

And so you left, thanked them in the form of a simple nod, and headed down the dark hallways.

Oh, how you hated this.

What consumed you now had nothing to do with the pain you had endured in the past 24 hours. Its source was not physical, yet your whole body ached. You felt the weight of the world on your shoulders - and in some way, it was - Bucky was your whole world, and the fear of losing him breathed down your neck.

It had been about 20 minutes since you stopped in front of the door that led to the room he'd been confined in. When FRIDAY announced that Bucky woke up, you rushed over, only for a hazardous sense of anguish to stop you dead in your tracks. Judging by the way he sat in the corner of the room, his fingers aimlessly tracing every indentation in the handcuffs Tony had restrained him with, you had no problem telling which one of him woke up. He broke your heart. His room was equipped with 5 different cameras and 2 microphones. Completely unaware of them, he sat inches away from one, and your heart shattered, sinking 3 stories below when you heard him whimper.

It was soft and quiet. His whole frame shook as he wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve. He was hunched down, brown hair covering his perfect face, but still, his sadness brought you to tears. 

You heard him again. He sniffled as he laid back against the wall. His eyes were bloodshot, lips almost white and dry as his chest raced up and down. His muscles clenched and his feet bounced against the metal floor, it was a sight you never wished you see ever again. 

Softly, you raised a hand, and thought twice before finally knocking.

"Go away," Bucky called, voice all hoarse and dry as it broke halfway through.

You were able to see him on the small screen next to the door, but he had no idea who came to visit.

Out of instinct, you knocked again before typing in the password and ever so slowly walking inside.

Instantly, he looked up. He was surrounded by an air of darkness and despair, ever so obviously tormented to the peak of his capability.

He stared at you for a few seconds as his eyes watered, and then he gathered his lips into a straight line, shaking his head. "Please, go"

"Bucky, I-"

"Please" he cried, head falling forward as he toyed with the metal edges of his prosthetic arm. He shook his head, "Please, don't do this. Just, go"

You took a deep breath, only then entering the room far enough to actually be able to close the door behind you. Slowly turning back to him, your palms sweated as you had no idea what to say to him. 

"Can you talk to me, Buck? Please?"

He chuckled, "About what?" 

"About whatever it is you think you did wrong, I-"

As he heard your words, his hands instantly flew up to cover his face. He was, however, stopped, as the cuffs on his left wrist kept him from moving too much. While a new row of tears flooded his cheeks, his eyes met yours, "Look at me.. I need to be restrained while you're alone with me"

"Those cuffs would literally do nothing to stop you from escaping, and you know it"

"Maybe it's just a sense of reassurance"

"To who?" you scoffed.

"To them" Bucky responded, nodding his head towards one of the cameras. "I'm a monster" he added, wiggling his cuff restrained hand, "I'm a danger to everyone"

"Oh for fucks sake" you rolled your eyes, marching up to him. With absolutely no remorse, you grabbed his hand and harshly pulled apart the metal that had him restrained to the bed. Before he got a chance to say anything, you bent down, unclipped the microphone from the foot of the bed, threw it on the floor, and stepped on it, until it was nothing but a small pile of shattered plastic.

And you kept going, destroying the second microphone along with the 5 cameras on the walls as Bucky watched you with surprise. You finished by going for the door and locking it from the inside. "You think I'm afraid of you?" you asked softly, "For 6 hours you did your best to kill me and failed miserably. Look at me, I'm unscathed"

"Did you hear yourself?" he cringed, shaking his head, "I tried to kill you"

"Ok, I know I said that you did your best-" you said, mentally scolding yourself for the error in communication. "We both know that wasn't you. That wasn't you, Buck. It was Hydra. It was the winter soldier, not you. My Bucky would never-"

"Y/n-" he stopped you, "I know you don't see things the way I do-"

"But I see them the right way"

"Listen-" Bucky sighed, driving his hands through his hair. For the first time that night you actually saw his full face, his cheek and signature scowl, his blue eyes and the tilt of the corner of his mouth - your soul melted when you associated the picture with the words that came out of his mouth. "I can't blame you for being here. I can't. If the roles were reversed, I'd be doing the exact same thing. But, holy fuck-" he sighed, pausing to gather his thoughts. Bucky looked you up and down. His lips quivered and his head fell to the side as a sad smile appeared on his lips. "Remember this morning? How we talked about our hypothetical child?" he laughed and shook his head, "Even if I know we could never have a kid because we're both sterile, it was still the most beautiful thought that ever crossed my mind, Y/n''

"Mine too, Buck-"

"And what did I do?" he dismissed your empathy, "Two hours later I was unloading an AK-47 into your stomach, like the brainwashed maniac that I am!"

"Don’t say that!" you exclaimed, "Don't you dare think about things like this!"

"Why wouldn't I?" he threw his hands up in the air, "What does it matter whose fault it is? I get to live with the consequences."

"But-" you breathed out, "We can work through this. You did it before. You can't let something that hydra did dictate your life, Bucky. You deserve so much better. You deserve to be happy!"

"I tried to kill you!" he screamed, for the first time losing his calm and standing up to be at the same level as you.

"That was not you!"

"So what?" he huffed, "I was there, Y/n! I will never, NEVER get the feeling of crushing your bones out of my head! I felt your neck snap! I choked you with my arms! That is not something I can live with! I can't live a life by your side if every time I look at you I'm reminded of those horrible things I did to you!"

"Buck-" you cried, looking at him from behind too many layers of unshed tears, "Please, don't say that"

"I'm sorry" he responded in the same fashion, his pain coating every word he said. "When I close my eyes I see you laying in a puddle of blood. I can't stop hearing your screams of agony. Agony that no matter how you put it, was caused by my hands. That's not something we can live with, Y/n. You were not made for this. You really do fucking deserve someone that won't wake up one day and try to murder you in cold blood"

"And what do you deserve, Buck?" you quietly asked, searching for his eyes, "To live your life alone? Forever? If you had been with anyone else, this would have turned out so much worse. That cute barista three blocks down that always scribbles a heart on your coffee cup? She's cute, yeah. You deserve to be loved by someone, but if that someone was her, you wouldn't be drowning in guilt right now, Bucky, you'd be mourning her. Yes, you got troubles. Yes, you've got a past more fucked up than anyone else I have ever heard about. That's the kind of shit you can't change. But whatever you do from now on, is in your fucking hands and yours alone. Don't try to tell me you're not worthy of having someone, because that's the fattest load of crap I've ever heard. You're a good man! With a fucked up past! And a dark side that you need to fight! And you have me! I don't care you dropped Tony's piano on my legs, apparently I can take it! I'm here for you no matter what! You don't want to be with me anymore? Fine. But don't you dare push me away, thinking that a ruined future makes up for a ruined past"

"Who's to say I won't try it again?" he asked, "I don't know what triggered the transition. But what if once a week I end up trying to kill you-"

"Apparently you can't!" you laughed bitterly.

"Ok, so I can't" he nodded in approval, "Is that what you want? I should be your rock, your best friend, I should always be there for you. Do you want to have your whole world turned upside down whenever my brain decides to go berserk?"

"See, Buck" you sighed, "Of course I don't want that. I can't fucking stand here and tell you that I do. What kind of credibility would I have then? But you know what I want? You. You and whatever nazi shit that comes along. I want you. To help you. To have you with me. To see you everyday. If every Saturday at 10am you decide you want to kill me, you best believe I'm sacrificing my morning coffee just so we can kung fu around the living room"

He looked at you for a long second, the corners of his lips fighting a hard battle against the hint of a smile that started to show on his features. Eventually he caved and chuckled, shaking his head, "That was a bit funny"

"And fucking true," you cried, going for his hands and bringing them up to your chest. He winced, but you spoke up again, determined to not let his mind torture him.

"I love you, Bucky"

"How do you not hate me?" he choked, shaking his head in disbelief. "Can you seriously look at me and not get even the slightest instinct to run away?"

"Bucky..." you breathed out, cupping his cheek. "How could I run away when I've never seen you in more pain than right now?"

"You're an angel, you know that?" 

"I've been called a lot of things" you giggled, "Angel isn't one of them, but if that's what you want, I'll take it"

"Come here" he whispered, wrapping his arms around your frame. He had you nuzzle against his chest, his hold keeping you tight and secure. His heart beat against your cheek and your eyes watered again. There wasn't one thing in the world you wouldn't do for that heart - to make sure it keeps beating, and that it keeps the man you love alive. And content, above all. All you wanted right now was for him to accept the things that happened. You wanted to take whatever weight he was carrying on his shoulders, and put it upon yourself. "I love you so much, Bucky" you cried against his chest as your hold tightened around him, "I hate to see you torn like this. I don't want anything to ever happen to you. It terrifies me. I love you with all that I am. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. You deserve the world, baby"

"So do you" he whispered, kissing the top of your head.

You felt his chest shake, a deep rumble echoed from the depths of his lungs. You looked up to see him fight back a sob, his eyes wide open, glossy and red, trained down on you, "I love you too much to do this, Y/n. I'm sorry, I don't think I can"

"No!" you gasped, pressing your face back against his shoulder, "Don't do that. You can't do that. No"

"We won't work, Y/n" Bucky said as he brought you even closer, "I can't look at you anymore. I can't look at you without dying inside. You don't want to live with me like that"

"Yes, I do!" you sobbed. "I'll work with anything you give me, I swear there is nothing more I want. Just you. Just you and me. Bucky, please don't do this"

He held you close for what felt like half a second, but rationally speaking, your legs were getting numb. You just stood there, clinging to his body, taking in his scent and listening to his breathing even out until he pushed you away. Oh, how you didn't want to let go. Ever. But you did, and choked back a sob as soon as you felt the cold air of the room brush against the part of your body that had been pressed to his.

"We should get some sleep, Y/n"

"Are you coming with me?" you whimpered, afraid of the answer he might give you.

Bucky shook his head, "I think I'll just sleep here tonight"

That broke you. The shock and terror cut your breath away. It felt impossible - the feeling of losing him. The amount of pain that surged through you. At that particular moment, you felt like cracking your chest open to grip your heart into your hand and pick apart the broken parts. But not even that felt good enough, you were fairly sure you'd be left with nothing. It felt like a slap across your cheek, like a cloth had been placed over your mouth and your legs cut at the knees. It felt like the end. 

Optimistic by nature, not even you could deny the reason he wanted to sleep alone. It was clear as day.

"If-" you mumbled, tears coating your face at their own free will, voice shaking as you barely managed to articulate the words over the violent sobs that ripped their way out of your throat. "If I promise to not do anything to try and convince you to stay… can you promise me that in case you decide to leave, you'll come and tell me first?"

"Oh, doll" Bucky broke down all over again, throwing himself at you again. He collapsed on top of you, molding his body around yours. "I promise, angel"

You just nodded. That was all you could do. It took another few moments for you to gather yourself and stop wailing, but you did, and then, with nothing else other than a sad smile, you left. 

Your feet carried you to your room, and you were ready to collapse on top of your bed. Eager to cuddle into his pillows. They smelled like that shower gel you got him and you hated it. You wanted his scent. Not even caring how ridiculous it sounded, you padded over to the chair in the corner of your bedroom, the one Bucky uses to discard all his worn clothes. 

You wanted to find a shirt he wore, one that smelled exactly like you knew him, but before you reached the clothes pile, your attention was drawn to the window.

Steve was standing there, facing the busy streets outside, hands in his pocket and his head turned in your direction.

"I didn't see you, sorry" you gasped, as your eyes accommodated to the darkness.

"It's fine" he shook his head, "I just figured you'd turn on the lights, you know, like the normal people. Didn't think I'd scare you"

"Yeah, sorry" you sighed, plopping down on the edge of the bed. "I did even think about turning the lights on"

He didn't say anything, but you saw him nod. He knew your pain. He lost enough in his life, and seeing his best friend sink back into his darkness was surely not easy for him either.

"Is he ok?" Steve eventually asked.

You shook your head, "He's too good of a man to be ok"

"That is Bucky" he laughed, and you couldn't help but do the same. The irony.

Steve's curiosity was palpable in the room. Words could not describe the appreciation you had for him for respecting your boundaries and not pushing you in a moment like this. But he deserved to know.

You opened your mouth to explain to him what happened, but as your mind processed everything all over again, you broke down. "I think he's gonna leave-" you cried.

Steve was quick to gather you in his arms, engulfing you in a bear hug, helping you stand on your own two feet. "What do you mean?" he asked, concern tracing his tone.

"I understand him, I do. And I promised I won't try to get him to stay if he doesn't want to. But- but I should've done more, Steve. I should've shown him somehow how much I love him. But I'm afraid he'll leave, and I don't want to live-"

"Hey, hey, hey" Steve hurried to stop you, petting your head softly before urging you to look up at him. "Bucky loves you more than I ever thought possible, ok? There's no question about it. I'm sorry I'm doing this, but I think he'll postpone it anyway"

"What?"

"The man wants to marry you, ok?" Steve smiled, "He asked Tony if he had any work for him so he could raise money. Can you imagine how that went down? He was red like a tomato, but he didn't think twice. James Barnes used the computer to look for rings for you. The Bucky I know? Never would've done this. You brought to life a part of him that no one else has seen before. He loves you. With all that he is. And trust me when I tell you, he won't stand to be away from you. You're his whole world, Y/n. He's my best friend, trust me when I tell you this is something you'll work through. I'll help, we'll all help. You're not gonna lose him, Y/n. He's so beat up about all of this because he loves you this much. He's all yours. If he decides to leave, I need you to be strong because he will be back. I got him back 70 years later. You just need to trust him. Trust his heart, ok?"

"Oh my god" you cried, "I don't know what to say"

"Don’t say anything" he chuckled, "We've been through so much together. All of us. Even if we try, nothing pulls us apart, ok? How many times has Loki died, hm?"

"God, Steve!" you scoffed somewhat amused and pulled back just to hit him, "Did you seriously compare Bucky to Loki!?"

"It got you to smile, didn't it?" he laughed. "But I'm serious. You've both been through so much worse than this. You'll get through this one too. And in case you ever feel like you won't, I'm here, ok?"

"Ok…"

Funny as it all was, it worked. He calmed you down - to some extent. Gave you hope you didn't know existed. If it wasn't for Steve, you probably would have not been able to fall asleep. And even though dreams didn't visit you, and you never relaxed enough to actually get some rest, you just dozed off. All clothed and curled diagonally on the bed, you cuddled Bucky's pillow to your chest as your eyes slowly fell closed.

When you opened them again, it was still dark out. You had no idea what pulled you awake as you struggled to sit up on the bed, but then you heard Bucky's voice again, from the doorway.

"Y/n?"

“Buck?” you gasped, turning around. Only his silhouette was visible, head hung low and hands deep in his pockets. He was leaning against the doorway, silently awaiting your response.

Right then and there, you felt your world collapse. Steve’s monologue made you actually fucking believe things would be fine, but here he was, keeping his promise. In the buttcrack of night, he kept his word, bidding you a much feared farewell.

“Is-” you sobbed, jumping out of bed and rushing towards him. You almost knocked him off of his feet when you flung yourself at him, but he was quick to reciprocate, caging you between his arms. “Is this it? You’re leaving?”

He didn’t say anything which frankly made everything worse. You broke down even further, clinging to his shirt as if it was the only source of oxygen keeping you alive - it sure felt like it.

“Look at me” Bucky urged you, tilting your chin up, “Please?”

You slowly lifted your head, your eyes meeting his.

“I’m sorry, I will make it up to you” he whispered, a frown settling above his tired eyes, “You’ll see”

“What does that even mean?" you questioned, tired and sick of this ongoing conflict that should not even have been an issue to begin with. "You don't have to make up for anything"

"I know you see things like that" he cooed, rubbing his thumb along your cheekbone. He spoke softly, his breath fanning against your skin, somehow, even in this situation, managing to calm you down. "But you can understand me too, right?"

"I don't want to" you shrugged, "I don't care. Why does it matter if I understand you or not if you're gonna leave anyway?"

"I'm not leaving, doll"

"What!?" you beamed, pulling away from his hold and grabbing his face in your palms, "You're not- but you're-"

His whole frame softened, "I'm not here to say goodbye, Y/n. I'm not going anywhere"

"Oh god" you gasped.

"Come on, come here" Bucky chuckled softly, bringing you back into his hold, "I'm staying here. I'm sorry for everything I put you through. You're the most badass woman I know and I managed to break you"

"I love you, Buck" 

"I love you more, Y/n" he sighed, "I'll make everything right, I promise"

"Oh, fuck" you breathed out relieved, "Just do whatever you want, I don't care. You're here. That's all that matters."

"And we also need to teach you to fight-" he added, "For real. And find a way for you to take those goddamn shackles off in case this happens again"

"Tony won't be too happy about it" you laughed.

"Fuck if I care-" Bucky said strenly, pointing at you, "Next time, you need to be able to stop me. And fast"

"Maybe it won't happen again"

"Maybe not" Bucky nodded, "But if it does, we need to be ready"

"Thank you" you said, "I know I didn't play this right. I know I literally dismissed everything that you must have gone through today. I'm sorry"

"You don't get to be sorry" Bucky stopped you, "Not after-"

"Then you don't get to, either!"

"Meh" he shrugged, "We'll see"

"Bucky!"

"I love you" he laughed, bending down to pick you up. He planted his hands on the back of your thighs, picking you up with ease and walking you over to the bed. You plopped back against the fluffy mattress with a huff, and giggled as he crawled his way on top of you. Instantly, his lips met yours. It was exhilarating, the kind that made your chest ache. You moaned against his lips as love transpired through his touch. It was overwhelming and the first happy tears of the day streamed down your temples as you arched yourself against him.

"I'm so weak for you, fuck" Bucky groaned, his right arm reaching around your back and pressing you against his chest. "You're everything" he added as he kissed his way along your neck, "I'm all yours forever, Y/n. I love you too much"

"I'm here, baby" you moaned, hiding your face into his shoulder, "You're mine, Bucky. All mine."

His lips didn't leave your body as he pushed himself up just enough to be able to reach the buckle of his jeans. The sound made your core ache, and your mouth watered.

There was no patience in his movements. He barely pulled his jeans down to his knees before ridding you of your pajama pants. He lodged himself between your thighs, his mouth instantly back on yours again.

"Come on" you panted, steading your arms against his strong back. Your legs found their way around his frame, ready to pull him closer.

When Bucky guided his hands between your bodies to align the tip of his cock with your opening, you whimpered in anticipation. Agonisingly slow, he trailed his tip along your folds before reaching your clit. With a blissful moan, he reached further up, tapping his cock against your bare cunt a couple of times before returning his attention back to you. 

"I got you, baby" he hummed, pecking your lips. "You ready? Is this ok?"

With eagerness, you nodded and wiggled under his weight, your pussy aching for him. "Yes, yes"

When you felt his cock push past your folds, you moaned out loud, your voice cracking with the pure pleasure that took over your being.

He eased himself in, going all the way until he all but knocked the breath out of you, and he stopped. Bucky reached down to kiss you again, his cock motionless, balls deep inside of you.

He bit down on your lip and you giggled.

"Felt your pussy clench around me, doll" he laughed, "You're good to me"

"You may be all mine, Buck, but I'm all yours too"

"Holy shit" he panted, shaking his head in disbelief. It was as if you weren't real. He'd have pinched himself, but if this was a dream, he really did not want to wake up. So he kept going.

Nibbling at the skin of your neck, he started to pull himself out of you. The slow pace was driving you insane. Your need grew so strong you felt everything. His breath, the way his hair tickled your chin, his strong around around your shoulders, his massive thighs rubbing against yours, every small vein along his cock that drove you closer and closer to the sweetest bliss you had ever known. 

He got you all worked up at an agonisingly slow pace, before his thrusts became more and more aggravated. You moaned with each thrust despite your struggles to keep quiet.

"You know how much I love hearing you, doll" Bucky shook his head as he drove himself back inside of you all the way, "Moan for me"

"Fuck, ok" you gasped, and closed your eyes as you started to fall apart. You gripped the bed sheets into your hands and pulled as he kept fucking you, deep and hard.

"You're so good, baby" he groaned, "So, so good for me"

He sunk his teeth into your shoulder, fervently sucking deep, maroon marks all ice your skin. Gutural grounds betrayed his air of self control as a plethora of curse words escaped his lips. "Taking me so fucking well. I can't keep going like this, you're too fucking tight-"

"Cum, baby" you encouraged, voice low and tender as you spoke against his ear, "Cum for me"

"Don’t have to tell me twice" he chuckled.

His thrusts started to become sloppy and irregular, as his eyes flew closed. You missed the blue of his eyes, but his mouth was slightly agape as he panted his way to an orgasm.

His chest heaved against yours, "How do you feel so fucking good?" Bucky cursed, eyes still closed as he barely managed to mumble his words between the numerous grunts of pleasure that forced their way out of his throat.

You gave him no answer, instead just clung to him tighter, "Fuck, Bucky, I'm close-"

"Come on" he encouraged, hurrying to rub your clit. His fingers found your bud in an instant, working experienced, familiar circles that almost drove you over the edge. "Cum with me, ok?"

You nodded, gathering your lips between your teeth. He kept fucking you, harder and faster until he had turn limp under his weight. You came as his name rolled off your lips, and he followed seconds after, pumping his juices deep inside your pussy. 

You felt his absolute pleasure as he breathed heavily against your shoulder. He kept going until you were both spent, and then fell down beside you. 

"Bucky-" you whined, turning over and curling into his side, the lack of contact making you more needy than ever.

"Yes, darling?" he panted, tapping your chin.

"Nothing. I just love you"

"Love you too, doll" he huffed, spinning you around so you laid on your back.

He effortlessly helped you out of your shirt and plopped down on top of you, his head resting on your bare chest. His warm, right hand cupped your breast as he closed his eyes. He wrapped himself around you, "Hold me" he muttered, "please"

"Always, Bucky" you said, engulfing him in the tightest hold you could muster. Only then did you feel him calm down completely, and there was nothing in the world you could ever ask for.

-

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