#who chooses detachment and alienates others for so long

[isfjmel-phleg]

I was taking notes and instead got socked with the impact of a storyline that at a glance looks like a random digression before the actual climax but actually is crucial to the themes and arc and now I'm expected to just dry my hair? and go to bed? like nothing happened?

[linktoo]

I got an ask wondering about who is my favourite character in Disco Elysium, which I stand by my answer of being not really one in particular. But, Dora is one character I've been thinking about a lot and I think I want to expand on that.

The story is told through Harry's eyes, and regardless of his in-depth analysis of and narration of his attributes, it's unreliable. Undeniably so. This is part of the story, I really do feel for Harry's inability to move on. I feel for his aching loneliness, and his need to be needed. The crushing feeling of missing someone so achingly bad, only for them to learn that they have actually forgotten a lot about you and moved on is a feeling of deep rejection, devastatingly demoralizing and painful.  "I betrayed her, overwrote her, and happier for it" is a visceral line of feeling the alienation of someone you've lost to time, someone you used to know but has moved on without you. 

But I really can't help but feel so much for Dora's position in all of this. As a woman in a male dominated society your emotions are seen as both weak yet mature, you are constantly objectified down into pieces of meat, and seen as vapid and shallow when you put yourself first. When you choose to finally stand up for yourself, that is long after you've known better, long after you’ve been embittered by your initial innocence and first experience.

“You were my first. My first kiss, my first time to have sex.”

The game continues to emphasize how Harry loved her, how Harry missed her, and yet I get deeply uncomfortable with how her presence is described with her physique rather than her actual self as a person. 

“A dolorian figure, cut in black, moves below. It's still her. Her legs, her breasts, her hips…”

[...]

“‘No, Harry.’ She shakes her head. ‘It's just regular skin. I'm not as beautiful as you always thought I was.”

It’s reductive. It’s dehumanizing. It’s not about her, it’s what she represents. The most perfect goddess of a woman, put on a pedestal and quite literally turned into a deity. Not to be loved romantically, but to be worshipped as a religious figure. Worshipped for the violence and destruction she creates to degrade him and feed into his self loathing, and thus Dora becomes Dolores Dei.

There is a selfish hope and longing that comes with any sort of kindness or pity she give him. She knows that and her words are cautious, she has been through it before, and no longer feels any sort of way about it. She is vulnerable, she did used to care, she is sympathetic to his pain, but she firmly does not anymore and will not allow her empathy be used against her.

YOU - "But… that's not a very good way for things to be." DOLORES DEI - "It's not, but…" She looks at her feet. Little golden sandals cover her toes. YOU - "But what? Tell me there's something good…" DOLORES DEI - "I don't know why I said but. There is no but." YOU - "That's it?" DOLORES DEI - "That's it, yes," she looks up from her toes. "We've talked about it a million times. You will get over it, just like I did. People do. Things will get good for you again…"

I understand that detachment so deeply.

There is a pain to know men you trusted and cared and loved only to be seen as a reductive version of yourself. The one who is “nice”, the one who is “ethereally beautiful” and that’s… about it. You’re not good for each other. It didn’t work out. But by finally deciding it is best to remove yourself from that relationship, you are considered the slut that left him. You are considered the gold digger, the shallow bitch, the uncaring freak of a woman. We didn't really get to know about her and I don't think she was good to him either.

And I just can’t help thinking about that. I’m glad she’s happier now.

[zexonyte]

alright folks

i found this buried somewhere in my notes app and im 87% sure i wrote it bored out of my mind during english class. so have some crudely written 2000 or so words of Starman Headcanons (somewhat) (1/3)

metallic shell, organic insides (mostly)

some sort of affinity for magnetic fields. maybe how some grow spikes? like a long time exposure to strong magnetic fields makes them grow spikes. i can see it

born without their shell, forming it throughout childhood. it's the part that regenerates the fastest, but wounds or shell damage is still highly dangerous because it may make it grow in undesirable spots, such as inside your body, and the boosted growth endangers you even more. kinda like those boars with tusks that can pierce their own skull. and corals

speaking of corals. that's how they form the shell. just as giegue's species, starmen come from an aquatic planet with a shit ton of metallic matter suspended on it? is that the word? whatever its like ferrous water. they use it to build the shells like corals do. underneath it they bear resemblance to giegue's species if they were like tailless and earless and all

oh yeah both of those share a common ancestor. yea they're from the same planet. yea that strange camaraderie is part of why giegue's species allow the starmen to use PSI. ill get back to this later maybe

also giegue's species is a mouthful so im gonna call them gamers now

starmen reproduce mainly asexually through fragmentation. like starfish. why? i said so.

do they reproduce sexually too?? who the FUCK knows man but if they do it sure isn't internally

are they vertebrates? invertebrates? ¯_(ツ)_/¯ (probably invertebrates, or an alien version of that)

unlike popular belief their earth name isn't starmen because of them being aliens. it's because the one who named them was really into starfish. saw one's detached arm regenerating and was like "holy shit… it's like that weird ass fish i saw the other day"

everyone else understandably so didn't catch onto this because why would you and went with "ouughh Man from Stars.." which is succint and understandable but it's boring as hell. let me have this.

their sheer psychic prowess makes them highly sought after as mercenaries. modern starman society is somewhat shaped around this and ESPECIALLY around their gamer relatives

space mercenaries babey!

coming back to their shell. ghosts of starmen, aka starmen elders, have begun their decaying process and are losing their affinity with magnetic fields. can't regrow or renew shell anymore. die of normal causes like disease or regular Old Age typically but if not that aint saving them because they die for lobster reasons too.

however, they're still highly valued and sought after, not just because of their overall rarity compared to juvenile/younger starmen, but because they have untold years of skill and experience in conquest and battle. AND sheer psychic power even if they're slowing down a lil

this includes so-called ghosts of starmen (who are named for their ethereal physical appearance and not actually because they're ghosts, although that would be cool as hell i do think they at least deserve a break in the. afterlife. for aliens? they deserve a rest), starmen deluxe, and final starmen, these last ones having the highest demand (high skill and strength while still being relatively young)

starmen's shells can be branded with crests to show/pledge allegiance. many have or have had several crests at once. starmen with a single crest are choosing to display ultimate loyalty to a single power which sure as fuck means something to the cosmos. ALL those civilizations you could get hired by, and even among the nations who are allied/have peace together some still refuse to get more than one, which is seen as. rude as hell like what the fuck man we're pals

starmen nationalism??????? i GUESS????

not sure if that's the exact word, but whatever man english isn't my mother (heh) language

a starman without crests… ohh man. they know the system sucks ass and are also seen as kinda. dissidents. and pests because ???? you're a starman asshat what else are you good for. man i did not like writing that

[tentoorose]

I'm curious, what season has your favorite Rose? 1, 2, or 4?

This is a tough question, anon! I wrote a super long ramble so I'm putting it behind a read more for convenience.

It's hard to consider each series independently, as for me, one of the most satisfying elements of Rose's character (and Doctor Who in general) is her development over the course of the show, which happens across all the series she's in! However, if I had to choose a favourite, I would probably say either Series 1 or Series 2, for different reasons.

S1 really gives Rose individually a lot of great moments to shine. Father's Day and Dalek are two of my all time favourite episodes, and both focus on her psyche in a way that explores both the great things about her (empathy for others; deep love for the people around her; courage) and their not-so-great analogues (naiveté; difficulty seeing the bigger picture; rashness and reckless behaviour). I think what's really appealing about Rose in S1 is how relatable she is – she's the audience surrogate through whom we are shown the world of Doctor Who and of course the Doctor himself, and her life and struggles have to be down-to-Earth (no pun intended) in order for that to work.

But while she's largely an audience surrogate in S1, she is also one of the protagonists of the show, and we get to see her through the lenses of other characters, too. Just as the the Doctor falls in love with her over the course of the series, so too should the viewer. Similarly, when Jack first meets her and is smitten (an experience replicated when he meets the Doctor) the audience is also on the receiving end of that charm, and gets to know Rose in a different light.

S2 is very different because one of the central concerns at the heart of that series is the Doctor and Rose's codependent relationship, and the increasing insularity of their little world. More and more, rather than two people coming together and exploring each other, the Doctor and Rose are presented as a united front. A lot of the time they spend apart onscreen is devoted to them trying to find each other again, for which New Earth, The Idiot's Lantern, The Impossible Planet and The Satan Pit, and Fear Her all serve as perfect examples. This is something other characters also take note of: it's the driving force behind Mickey's character arc, largely the reason why Torchwood is founded in Tooth and Claw, and is particularly significant in Army of Ghosts, when Jackie calls Rose out on letting go of everything in her life except for the Doctor. Rose in S1 isn't there yet; it's really after Nine's regeneration into Ten that this change occurs.

A lot of people complain about this, but I feel that's kind of missing the point that even within the diegesis, this is explicitly presented as a bad thing, both for the Doctor and for Rose. Their attachment to each other is genuinely dangerous, particularly for the Doctor, who – as is often pointed out – becomes detached and even cruel at times throughout S3, not to mention self-sacrificing to the extreme, and the show acknowledges this. Part of why Rose's (limited) appearance in S4 is so good is because it illustrates that despite how much both of them have evolved, they still emotionally rely on one another. Unfortunately, because the end of S4 sets on so quickly and The Stolen Earth and Journey's End are both so cluttered, I feel that this isn't really afforded enough attention, which is why it's not my favourite Rose series. (Though I will say, Turn Left is probably tied for my favourite episode. I love it so much.)

All of that is to say that I think S2 really develops Rose's relationship to the audience, alienating us from her and – in a certain sense – presenting her as a Doctor-adjacent figure. S4 expands on this very deliberately, from Rose's affect and speech to her outfit, but that transformation is only believable because of the groundwork S2 laid. I think it's a masterwork of character writing, and again is one of the reasons why my love for Rose is so tangled up in her evolution over the course of the show.

Individually, I think she has more "iconic moments" in S1, largely because the audience is still getting to know her, and it was essential in the writing of that series that she make a strong impression on us. However, on the whole I think her writing in S2 is more nuanced, and the development of her relationship with the Doctor over the course of that series is so precisely and lovingly rendered, in all its confusion and uncertainty and tenderness.

Tl;dr: I like all of Rose's seasons for different reasons! Sorry if that's not a satisfying answer – I hope the essay makes up for it :)

[autumnlilybug]

Backstory and traits for a DND character I wrote, feel free to critique

Traits

Name: Artour DePaus; Species: Hexblood; Class: Warlock

Does not speak Common, or understand it. Gave his ability to do so to the Fae as a price to remove his curse

Pale, almost iridescent lavender skin

Wings are transparent and crystalline, almost like ice, and very visibly opalescent

Bone white hair that goes to his waist, and regrows in seconds if cut. Often styled in a long straight braid with a golden ribbon at the end embossed with the symbol of the Enclave in green

Lavender irises that catch the light almost like gemstones

Elf-like pointed ears, which are forked at the tips, which he often covers with ornaments to disguise his Fae nature

Since he mostly speaks Elvish, a casual observer would see him as a somewhat alien seeming elf with wings, almost like an oversized fairy

Backstory

Artour was born a Tiefling in human society, cursed after a hag hexed his mother over a personal dispute. The curse brought all manner of awful luck to his family (how much of which could be due to prejudice against tieflings and not the curse itself is up to the reader to infer), and eventually it became too much for his parents to deal with. He was kicked out when he was around ten, and taken in by a group of Fae in a nearby forest. They freed him of his curse in exchange for his ability to speak and understand Common, and in the process his appearance became more Fae-like. Even at present (he's now 26) he still views the Fae as his true family and his birth parents more like an aunt and uncle. While living with the Fae he developed a passion for science and nature, and especially magic, and at one point studied as a druid, but a few years after joining the Enclave he became enthralled by the mystery of eldritch magic. Since then, he has pledged himself to the Great Old One in an effort to learn more about the strange, unnatural powers he so desperately wishes to shed light upon. Artour is not quite a mad scientist but is certainly willing to perform some questionable experiments to obtain results if those results are worth the cost. His ideology is very much "The ends justify the means."

Personality

Comes off as a detached, jumpy and easily startled scientist who is just a teensy bit feral from his time with the Fae, but is in fact constantly picking people apart, trying to glean as much inforrmation about the world as he can.

Hides his telepathy and chooses to speak Elvish instead. The Enclave would not accept a user of eldritch magic in its midst.

Ideals

Doesn't have a very strong moral compass, mostly interested in gathering knowledge, especially of the eldritch and unnatural. Utterly fascinated by magic and especially eldritch magic.

This isn't to say he's absolutely evil, he doesn't enjoy seeing others in pain, but if obtaining new information means hurting someone... well...

At the same time he will delightedly jump on an opportunity to help someone in exchange for information too, and often prefers that over more negative ways of achieving the same end, when he has the option. Essentially, his mindset is "I'm gonna get that info regardless, but it would be pretty neat if there were a nice way to do so."

Bonds

Sees his mother and father as good people even though they abandoned him as a child, since they did so because he was cursed, and he forgives them because he would have done the same.

Misses his younger sister Angelica, and wishes to see her again someday.

Flaws

Not apathetic per se, but can be very cold towards others, especially when he feels they're hiding things from him. Tends to get snippy with people who aren't concise, or in his words, "Talk much yet say little."

[yancieverse]

My therapist told me that I have become all too familiar with the idea of taking a back seat to my own life. I may have. It’s not necessarily because I’m not satisfied with the relationships I have with other people — it’s maybe because being in the back seat have been more comfortable than driving my own life. It meant that moving from the back seat to the driver’s seat would alter the familiarity I’ve built and protected over the years. I am scared of changing what has become familiar to me. They say, circumstances shape you. It’s not the case for me. I have adjusted the way I lived to the circumstances around me, waking up to the same unresolved issues over the years and finding comfort in that. I’m afraid that confronting it will just become worse.

So instead, I find shortcuts. Detours. It’s easier for me to sit back and watch the same glaring issues unfold each day than risk the chance of altering the space I live in and the air I breathe. It’s easier to embrace the circumstances than shift the gear of my own car, redirecting me to a road that’s foreign to me. I opt to watch outside, looking at the same scenery as if it was my first time encountering it. I strongly depend on my formed habits to keep me detached from my struggles and reality. For as much as I try, I feel things, too. And I couldn’t stop beating myself up for failing how to act.

I’m not a professional actor, but I can act. I can put on a mask. I can put on a demeanor and lure the people around me that I am a person who sees everything, who feels everything, who understands everything; but I am not all that. I am actively disengaged. The people who care about me give me directions. They teach me when to turn on the turn signals and when to turn. However, I don’t follow them.

It’s when I start to lose people, whether they moved elsewhere or are no longer breathing, that I have realized the errors on my ways. I have come to realize that there are circumstances that affect more than just me. I thought I was getting by just fine by living with a new day the same way — but that’s not how the world works. It doesn’t revolve around me and the back seat I choose to trap myself in. The things I could’ve said, should’ve said, and must’ve said, are now things I lost the chance to say. All these issues I have accumulated over the years now exist in a hole I no longer have the chance to dig. The opportunities of making things right or bringing my feelings to light, now all exist in a limbo.

I have been listening to stories, but I never truly felt the importance of my own. I listen to stories from people around me, but not fully understanding how I fit into them and how I never took the time to see and feel how they resonate so strongly to me because they are like me. I never realized that sharing my own story, expressing myself, and speaking my truth may just as be as important. I never contemplated that opening up to others about what I feel and listening to how they feel may result to a deeper level of understanding of each other.

I lived my life hiding from the universalities of the human conditions. I embraced a life not spending the time to uncover how it means to love, to share, and to be understood. But, I could only alienate myself for so long until I run out of gas. I will be left with no choice but to navigate my life through uncharted territories. I have no choice but to take the driver’s seat and accept that I could no longer travel on my own. I need to gather the courage to tell my own story, and I need to listen, not hear, but listen to the stories of others, too.

[coolstorysister]

Sentence starters

Well, I tried to start a revolution, but didn't print enough pamphlets so hardly anyone turned up.

Piss off, ghost!

I thought the world of you. I thought we were going to fight side-by-side forever, but at the end of the day you're you and I'm me and... oh, maybe there's still good in you but... let's be honest, our paths diverged a long time ago.

I have to get off this planet!

We know each other! They’re a friend from work!

“You cannot stop it. Why fight it?” “Because that’s what heroes do!”

I can't believe you're alive! I saw you die. I mourned you. I cried for you.

“I'm not as strong as you.” “No…you’re stronger.”

“It's not possible.” “Darling, you have no idea what's possible.”

You're becoming predictable. I trust you, you betray me, round and round in circles we go.

Life is about... It's about growth, it's about change, but you seem to just want to stay the same.

I choose to run towards my problems, and not away from them. Because's that what heroes do.

It hurts, doesn't it? Being lied to. Being told you're one thing and then learning it's all a fiction.

“You have made a grave mistake, (name).” “I make grave mistakes all the time. Everything seems to work out...”

You're officially pardoned... from life!

I thought it'd be nicer. I mean, not that it's not nice. It's just, it's on fire.

I guess I'll have to go it alone. Like I've always done.

I thought we were having a conversation?

This is the part where you run.

But in times of crisis the wise build bridges, while the foolish build barriers.

Just bury me in the ocean with my ancestors who jumped from ships, 'cause they knew death was better than bondage.

You're a good man with a good heart. And it's hard for a good man to be king.

“Just don't freeze when you see her.” “What are taking about? I never freeze.”

I never yielded! And as you can see, I am not dead!

What happens now determines what happens to the rest of the world.

Guns... So primitive!

Great! Another broken white boy for us to fix.

People die every day. That's just part of life around here.

I will not abandon someone to die, when I have the means to save their life.

You were wrong - all of you were wrong - to turn your backs on the rest of the world!

The world took everything away from me! Everything I ever loved! But I'ma make sure we're even.

Just because something works doesn't mean that it cannot be improved.

Every breath you take is mercy from me.

“Did you do it?” “Yes…” “What did it cost?” “…everything.”

I know what it's like to lose. To feel so desperately that you're right, yet to fail nonetheless. It's frightening, turns the legs to jelly. I ask you to what end? Dread it. Run from it. Destiny arrives all the same. And now it's here. Or should I say, I am.

“It’ll kill you.” “Only if I die.”

I assure you, (name), the sun will shine on us again.

All my life I dreamed of a day, a moment, when you got what you deserved. And I was always so disappointed. But now, you kill and torture and you call it mercy. The universe has judged you. You asked it for a prize and it told you no. You failed. And do you wanna know why? Because you love nothing. No one.

You should have gone for the head.

You... will never be... a god.

Let me just say, if aliens wind up implanting eggs in my chest or something and I eat one of you, I'm sorry.

Dude, you're embarrassing me in front of the wizards.

I like your plan. Except, it sucks. So let me do the plan and that way it might be really good.

Don't forget, I'm half human. So that 50% of me that's stupid that's 100% you.

“Seriously? You don't have any money?” “Attachment to the material is detachment from the spiritual.” “I'll tell the guys at the deli. Maybe they'll make you a metaphysical ham and rye.”

I'm sorry, earth is closed today. You better pack it up and get outta here.

What more could I lose?

It's alright. You could never hurt me. I just feel you.

That means get lost, Squidward!

I'm not looking for forgiveness, and I'm way past asking permission.

Death follows them like a shadow.

Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

The hardest choices require the strongest will.

I told you to go right!

There was no other way.

All this, just for a drop of blood.

Up, (name), up! This is no place to die.

Everything I hate about myself comes from you.

We don't want to kill you, but we will.

“I understand, my child. Better than anyone.” “You could never.”

I'm beginning to think... we should have stayed in bed.

Oh, god…

No. This isn’t love.

[dailyadventureprompts]

Deity: NokolOb-Zich , Outer god of the Unmaking Inquiry

As you approach the cultists altar, you can’t help but shake the feeling of being watched. Something has witnessed your deeds here, and it is hungry to see more.

Setup: Many occultists will speak of the terrifying obscurity of their patrons, of powers beyond mortal ken that look upon the waking world with little more than disgust or disregard. Few then speak of those powers that are fascinated mortal kind not in the jealous, imitate way of gods, or in the detached curiosity of alien arbiters, but in the rapture of a child staring at insects beneath an overturned rock, or an anatomist over a vivisected frog. The scrutiny of such a being would be terrible, as it can bring unseen powers to bear to poke and prod the object of its focus into the desired stimulus, moving through impossible angles to allow the target of its obsession no possible escape from its probing scalpel.

  NokolOb-Zich is one such entity, a thing that peers through cracks in reality looking for new things to catch its interest. Seldom invoked by dabblers in the forbidden arts, ‘Ob-Zich is less likely to grant its petitioners power or knowledge as it is to crack part their minds and start picking over all the pieces. Still, the Voyeur has itself a following, mainly in other inquisitive sorts who hollow out a part of their own mind to act as the outergod’s peephole into their own lives, absorbing scraps of eldritch insight like some kind of cognitive remora.

Those who have encountered the entity report that it has very little of a physical form, existing as only a sense of being observed and an endless stream of nonsensical questions: “ When will you cry? How does joy taste? What shape is your favorite sound? that lead in the general direction of a conversation”. Others have reported visions of eyes peering through empty spaces and endless grasping hands, though these are likely to be an effort by NokolOb-Zich to communicate its intent rather than a hint at its physical form.

Adventure hooks:

The Voyeur seeks not only to observe, but to provoke, spurring the subjects of its fascination into action so as to better be able to understand them. To this end it may set a horrid monster on a settlement divided by civil strife to see how the community reacts to an outside threat, or haunt a lone individual to test how their mind deals with the pressure. Stranger however is when the entity randomly chooses to be “nice”, creating facsimiles of long departed loved ones to see who a bereaved individual might change, or delivering an oddly appropriate gift to a stranger just to see their reaction. The outer god should never be considered benign, as those gifts are never given out of a sense of selflessness and are most often intended to make the target squirm.

Those seeking to know the dark secrets of history or the possible future will sometimes invoke NokolOb-Zich if their need is great and their self preservation is small. Eschewing traditional sacrifices of blood or treasure, the outergod prefers twisted tales involving the lives of mortals, traditionally involving those who compromised their values or ended up in bizarre or paradoxical situations due to their convictions. Those petitioners who do not have their own stories of mishap are often forced to create one if they wish to trade, creating innumerable networks of tragedy, blackmail, and sorrow that all lead back to the wandering eye.

Terrible is the favor of a god of heedless knowledge, as ‘Ob-Zich’s blessings are likely to manifest in the form of ceaseless visions from across the known universe, just as likely to contain the wisdom of dead civilizations to your neighbors’ dirty gossip. What’s more, the voyeur has no problem distributing dangerous knowledge to those people/cultures totally unready for it, leading to calamitous advances in technology, magic, or warefare for those unready for its burden. More than one disaster has been caused by NokolOb-Zich depositing dangerous information into the mind of an unstable arcanist or inventor, or simply some emotionally immature weirdo given step-by-step instructions to unleashing havoc.

Titles: The Voyeur, The Wandering eye, The all devouring unknown,

Signs: Feelings of being watched, endless questions, constant whispering, alien eyes staring through holes in places where there should not be holes.

Symbols: Innumerable eyes or hands gazing/reaching outward or inward, Peepholes, an eye painted on the ceiling or engraved on reflective surfaces.

[cherrycheridarling]

happier | t.h.

tom holland x singer!reader

warnings: swearing and sad. fluff if you squint

summary: you wish tom the best with his new relationship in your new song. {listen to happier by olivia rodrigo (if you want)}

wc: 3.6k

'We broke up a month ago,'

"I've been thinking," your heart sunk at his words, "I'm always working." he grabbed both of your hands.

You locked your gaze in his. Sat in the living room of his shared flat. Inches apart yet you could already feel the separation between the two of you growing.

He avoided your eye contact, "I-I can't be in a relationship unless I can give one hundred percent of myself to the other person. A-and I know I haven't been doing that to you, which is c-completely unfair." he wiped away a tear from your cheek that you didn't know had fell, "You've been so, so good to me. I'm sorry I wasn't better, but I can't keep putting you through this." his voice was barely audible.

You finally tore your eyes away from his face. His tear soaked face. Choosing to stare at a spot over his shoulder instead. You took three deep breaths. In and out. Something about his words made you confused, but your pain overpowered it.

"Please say something. Anything." he whispered against your knuckles. Holding your hands to his lips.

You gently removed your hands from his grip, "Thank you for being mature and honest with me." you started with a sniffle, "Thank you for all of our memories and for showing me what love is," you cupped his face, "Thank you for everything, loser." your light laugh lacked any humour, but it still brought a slight smile to his face.

He held your hand that was resting on his jaw, "I love you more than life itself, darling." he kissed your palm and you felt your heart shatter. "Never hesitate to call, dummy."

You nodded with a sad smile. "I love you, too." You stood up and made your way out of the door. A year and a half down the drain within ten minutes.

'Your friends are mine, you know I know you moved on. Found someone new.'

"Do you guys wanna do something on Saturday? I don't have work. Maybe karaoke?" you asked the group without looking up from your phone.

Harrison made a confused noise, "Did you forget? We have Nadia's birthday par—" you heard a loud smack, "—Ow! What? Oh, shit."

You looked up to see Zendaya, Jacob, Harry, Sam and Tuwaine all glaring at Harrison.

"Absolute div." Tuwaine muttered.

You furrowed your eyebrows, "Who's Nadia?" you looked at all of them as they avoided eye contact. "Daya?"

She let out a long sigh before clearing her throat, "Um, Nadia is- Well she's kind of- you know, um—"

"—Tom's new girlfriend." Sam finished for her.

Your mouth formed an 'o' shape as you processed the information. His new girlfriend. It'd been a month and four days since he ended your relationship. And he had a new girlfriend.

It took him a month to move on. A month to be able to give a hundred percent of himself to someone.

You couldn't tell if you were more angry or sad. Maybe a mixture of both. Angry that your friends were hiding information from you, but at the same time you understood their intentions. Sad and upset because the boy who told you he wasn't ready to give a hundred percent of himself was already with someone new.

You slowly nodded, "Oh, okay. Well, I hope you guys have fun." you gave a tight lipped smile before looking back at your phone.

Everyone glanced at each other worriedly before allowing their gazes to fall on you again.

"How do you feel?" Jacob asked cautiously.

You locked your phone and set it on your lap, "I'm fine." you faked a smile, "I think I'm gonna head home, though. It's getting late and I have an early studio session. Bye." you quickly grabbed your purse and left with a small wave.

"Y/N! Wait—" the slamming of the front door cut Tuwaine off.

It was three p.m. and you weren't supposed to be in the studio until noon.

'One more girl who brings out the better in you,'

"Y/N/N. You need to talk about it sooner or later." Zendaya reminded you as she sat at the end of your bed with Harrison beside her.

You removed the covers from your face, revealing your tear stained cheeks, "Does she make him happy?"

There was silence from your two friends before they hesitantly nodded. Both weren't completely sure, but they assumed she did.

"Does she bring out the best version of him? Does she stroke his hair while they cuddle? Does she cook with him? Does she walk Tessa with him?"

Harrison sighed, "Y/N/N, we—"

"—Because that's what I did. I brought out the best side of him. I stroked his hair while we cuddled. I cooked with him. I walked Tessa with him. I did it all. Every single thing." your voice broke towards the end as you let the sobs rack through your body.

Harrison and Zendaya went to either side of you and held you. They just held you. Because even they didn't know what to do.

'And I thought my heart was detached from all the sunlight of our past,'

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Zendaya asked as you walked towards Tom's front door.

You nodded and smoothed down your sundress, "Yeah. We ended on good terms. It's been two months or so. We're friends. Plus, I miss hanging out with all of us." you assured her.

She sighed before knocking on the door, "Alright."

A few moments later the door swung open revealing Tom. Dressed in black jeans and a white button-up. Sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Curls dangling over his forehead. A sweet smile on his lips.

You felt your stomach lurch. Air leaving your lungs involuntarily. Heart rate quickening. You could smell his cologne and every single memory with him clouded your mind.

"Hey! It's great to see you guys—"

"—Sorry. I-I think I left something in the car. One second." you rushed out the words before turning on your heel.

Zendaya let out a long sigh, "Fuck."

Tom frowned, "Did I do something wrong?"

'But she's so sweet, she's so pretty. Does she mean you forgot about me?'

"Y/N!" an unfamiliar voice called out to you from somewhere in the boys' backyard.

It was Harrison's annual barbecue get together. Nearly three months since your break up with Tom.

You turned towards the source of the noise and found a girl walking towards you. Brunette. Tight black dress with black heels. Body and face of a model.

"I've been dying to meet you! I'm such a huge fan. I basically live off of your music." she giggled as she hugged you.

You smiled, "Aw! Thank you! That means so much to me. You look amazing, by the way."

She laughed, "Thank you! But you're absolutely gorgeous! Sorry, I completely forgot to introduce myself. I'm Nadia, Tom's girlfriend."

Of fucking course.

You raised your eyebrows, but managed to keep a smile on your face, "Oh! I've heard so much about you! Well, Tom's one lucky guy," you chuckled, "I'd love to chat some more, but I need to use the washroom. Excuse me. It was a pleasure meeting you." you gave her a hoaxed smile before quickly walking away.

You were two feet away from the washroom when Zendaya grabbed your arm, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost or something."

Your breaths were coming out in short puffs, "I just met Nadia?"

Her eyes widened before she dragged you towards Tuwaine's room, "Okay. Let's sit down."

'Oh, I hope you're happy, but not like how you were with me. I'm selfish, I know. I can't let you go,'

"You should move in here." Tom mumbled against your shirt.

You let out a small laugh, "You already have four roommates, love. One more might turn this into a barn."

He lifted his head off of your chest, "I'm serious. Driving from Manchester to Kingston all the time is such a hassle for you. We have recording studios here and it would make me the happiest man in the world if I could wake up to your gorgeousness everyday." he planted kisses on your forehead, nose and lips.

You chuckled at his boyish grin, "It's only a three hour drive and I'm sure the boys don't want me imposing on your time with them."

He quickly shook his head, "I already talked to them about it and they want you here, too."

You raised your eyebrows, "Well, if you're sure it'll make you the happiest man in the world, I'll think about it."

"You already make me the happiest man in the world, but I needed something to convince you." he rested his head on your chest again as you laughed.

'So find someone great, but don't find no one better. I hope you're happy, but don't be happier.'

"Are we ordering pizza?" Harrison yawned from beside you on the couch.

"Sushi?" you grinned hopefully.

Tuwaine shook his head, "We had sushi last night."

"Tom and I are making dinner for you guys!" Nadia reminded you from the kitchen.

Her arms wrapped around Tom's waist as he stirred whatever was in the pan he had on the stove.

You really hated their open floor layout at that moment since there wasn't a wall to block them from your view.

"Oh, yeah. What're you making?" Sam asked.

"Salmon with rice and steamed veggies." Tom answered without looking up from the pan.

Everyone made noises of realization as you turned to Harry, "Aliens or a tiger. Which do you think you could beat in a fight?" he asked.

You laughed before replying, "Hmm, depends. Are the aliens small or—"

"Tommy!" you heard a girly giggle and turned to see Tom with Nadia over his shoulder as they laughed and ran around the kitchen.

You quickly diverted your gaze to the coffee table. Forgetting about Harry's absurd question. All eyes were on you.

"What?" you asked when you finally looked up at your friends.

"Are you okay?" Harrison frowned from beside you before resting his head on your shoulder.

You let out a dry, quiet laugh, "Of course. As long as he's happy."

The looks of pity you received were almost as painful as the scene you witnessed moments ago.

'And do you tell her she's the most beautiful girl you've ever seen? An eternal love bullshit you know you'll never mean,'

"Premiere day!" Zendaya walked into your shared hotel room with a bright smile, Nadia following behind her.

You faked a smile as you applied another coat of mascara, "You girls look gorgeous."

Zendaya was in a red and black sequin gown. Hair down and heels on. Nadia was dressed in a maroon silk dress with a slit on the side. Black heels dawning her feet. Both had makeup and accessories on matching their attire.

You were in an emerald green gown with a slit running down your left leg. Silver heels and silver jewellery to match.

"So do you!" Nadia exclaimed as she sat on Zendaya's bed.

"Are the boys coming soo—" Zendaya got cut off by three loud knocks on the door.

"I'll get it!" Nadia jumped up and opened the door.

Tom was stood before her in a maroon suit. Matching her dress. Black dress shoes. Matching her heels. Glasses on and a bright smile.

You watched as Tom ran his eyes down Nadia's outfit, "Well, aren't you just the most beautiful girl in the world?" he planted a kiss on her lips as you witnessed with envy.

"Aw, Tommy. I love you."

"I love you more, darling." he grinned before looking behind her.

Heart wrenching pain struck you again.

You watched as his mouth fell open by the slightest bit. Eyes growing wider.

He quickly snapped out of his daze, placing a pearly white smile on, "You two look absolutely stunning."

You acknowledged his compliment with a curt nod.

Zendaya let out a laugh, "Yup. About to out do you at your own premiere."

'Remember when I believed you meant it when you said it first to me?'

"Green or white?" you held up both dresses against your body.

Tom looked up from his phone, "Both of them will look amazing on you, love."

You sighed, "I appreciate the compliment, but I am meeting Sebastian Stan tonight. Now is not the time for indecisiveness. One of them will make me look bad and I need to know which one."

The Infinity War premiere was in two hours and your anxiety was growing by the minute.

"C'mere." he motioned you towards him with a 'come hither' gesture as he sat on the edge of the hotel bed. You made your way towards him. Standing in between his legs as he wrapped his arms around your waist, "You are the most beautiful girl in the world. Absolutely gorgeous. You could make the ugliest dress look like something from a fairytale."

Your smile grew as he kissed your stomach, "Thank you, mi amor." you bent down and placed a peck on his forehead, leaning your head against his, you whispered, "Now, green or white?"

He chuckled and pecked your lips, "White."

You smiled before making your way to put on the white dress, "I love you."

"I love you more, darling."

'And now I'm picking her apart. Like cutting her down will make you miss my wretched heart. But she's beautiful, she looks kind. She probably gives you butterflies.'

"I don't like her." you murmured.

Zendaya chuckled, "Nadia? You barely know the girl."

You nodded, "And I don't like her. I don't like her giggles and her nickname for him. I don't like her hair."

You knew you were looking for things to dislike, but there weren't any. She was a fan of your music, she complimented you all the time. She was genuinely a great person.

She sighed, "No, you don't like the fact that she's dating Tom. If she wasn't, you wouldn't be saying any of this."

You rolled your eyes and glared at her, "Can you let me be angry?"

She laid herself down on your mattress, "Nope. If you wanna be angry, be angry at Tom. Nadia hasn't done anything to you. You're better than this."

"God, I hate your optimistic side sometimes." you threw a pillow at her.

She laughed, "One of us needs to be the optimist."

You sighed, "Do you think he misses me?"

"Yes." she replied without hesitation.

You sat up and furrowed your eyebrows, "What makes you say that?"

She let out a long breath, "You need to talk to him about that."

'I hope you're happy. I wish you all the best, really. Say you love her, baby. Just not like you loved me. And think of me fondly when your hands are on her. I hope you're happy, but don't be happier.'

"And you're dead." you dropped the controller on your lap as you defeated Harrison in Super Smash Bros again.

He huffed like a child, "Unfair. I taught you how to play, how'd you get better than me?"

"Actually, I taught her how to play. And I am ten times better than you." Tuwaine corrected him.

Harrison scoffed, "Whatever. Sweaty nerds, the both of you."

Nadia spoke up from Tom's lap, "Can I try?"

You nodded, "Who do you wanna go against?"

She chuckled, "I think I'll verse Harrison. Seeing as how Y/N just kicked your ass, I wanna at least have a chance."

Her comment made you laugh as you handed her the controller and watched them pick their characters. You watched as Tom set his phone down and focused on the screen where his girlfriend chose Pichu.

"Choose Kirby." Tom told her.

She furrowed her eyebrows, "Why? Pichu is so cute."

"Y/N always plays as Kirby and she always wins. With that stupid power absorbing ability." he chuckled as his eyes landed on you.

You felt your heart skip a beat at the small detail he remembered before you played it off with a light laugh, "Not my fault you thought Luigi could beat Kirby everytime we played."

'Ooo-ooo, ooo-ooo, ooo-ooo,'

You pressed on the keys of the piano in the boys' home. Singing your heart out. You still had your spare key and Harrison told you no one was home.

You were waiting for them to return from golfing so you could have your Sunday night dinners. It's been nearly four months since your breakup with Tom. Your album was due to be released on May twenty-first and you were letting the still evident pain fuel your lyrics.

"I hope you're happy, just not like how you were with me. I'm selfish, I know. I can't let you go. So find someone great, but don't find no one better. I hope you're happy, but don't be happier." you faded out the piano and pressed stop on the recording on your phone.

Writing down small notes about the song and things to tweak, your thoughts were quickly interrupted.

"I'm not."

Your head snapped up. Tom was leaning against the doorframe behind you. Tears escaping his eyes.

"T-Tom. I'm sorry. Haz told me the house was empty and I just started playing and- Wait. What did you say?" realization dawned on you.

He stepped closer and sat beside you on the piano bench, "I'm not happier. Hell, I'm not even happy." he gave a pathetic attempt at a laugh, staring straight at the black and white keys.

Your mind was trying to catch up with everything happening, trying to register his words, the state he was in. Grey sweats, black tee. Messy hair and red eyes.

"Why?"

He released a heavy sigh, "There's so many things you could be asking 'why' about. Why did I break up with you? Why am I with Nadia? Why am I not happy? Why the hell am I crying? Which one is it, Y/L/N?"

You blinked a few times, "All of them."

He sniffled and rubbed his face, "I felt like I was holding you back." he started, catching a glimpse of your confused expression, he continued, "You hadn't released any music in over year. There were so many articles saying that I was the reason that the biggest pop star in the world was quitting music. I didn't want to be the reason for that."

"You weren't and you aren't." you assured him.

He shrugged, "I just felt like you would do a lot better without me. And you are. Look at you, your fifth album is coming out next month." he nudged you with his shoulder, "I'm proud of you," he smiled.

"T-thank you."

He nodded, "Anyways, why am I with Nadia? Um, a few days after we broke up, I went to a friend's place to distract myself, as one does. She was there. She was a distraction. I never meant for it to get this far. You know, she actually asked me to be her boyfriend." he chuckled dryly to himself as you listened intently. "I guess, I thought it'd be easier to move on if I had something else to pour my love into?"

You nodded slowly, "Okay, I somewhat get that. So you really do love her?"

He quickly shook his head, "No, no, I don't. I mean, I can't. No one can truly love two people at once. And I think that answers the question of why I'm not happy." he paused and faced you completely, "I'm crying because hearing that song and hearing how evident your pain in it is, that will make anyone cry. I'm crying because I miss you and I miss us. I-I miss what we had and what we were. I miss your kisses and your stupid jokes that only you laugh at. I miss going on walks with you and Tess. I just miss you."

There was a long period of silence after his confession. You were trying to process all the information he was giving. He was cursing himself for being so straightforward. The longer it went without a response from you, the more anxious he got. He grabbed your hands, holding them to his lips.

"Please say something. Anything."

Déjà vu.

You swallowed, "You want honesty?" he nodded, "Okay, I was so mad at you. I-I was infuriated. Y-you told me you weren't ready to give a hundred percent of yourself and that you couldn't be in a relationship until you could give all of yourself to that person. Then a month later, you're with her. Making me feel like you just couldn't give yourself to me." you paused and shook your head, "You could've told me the truth. You should've told me the truth. We could've talked about it. We could've avoided months of awkward run ins and no communication." he nodded, still holding your hands in his, "I'm not gonna lie and say I don't miss you because I do, I miss you more than anything, but we shouldn't be doing this or saying these things while you're with her." you removed your hands from his.

He spent a moment looking down at his fingers. Releasing short breaths. "I don't want to be with her."

"But you are. And I don't want you to break up with her for me. Because that's not how things work, Tom. But you shouldn't stay with her either. Especially if this is how you're feeling. That's just unfair to her." you shook your head and felt your mind clear.

He nodded and met your gaze, "This is the end of us, huh?"

You shook your head, "I don't think there will ever be an end to us." you laughed dryly.

He agreed with a smile, "For forever and a day, remember?"

You nodded, "For forever and a day."

[ganymedesclock]

[enters the cat door.] Pale King? :)

PK is great because while we get a lot of impressions of what he's capable of, overwhelmingly his work is left for us, self-evident and finished, in such a state that we are not given hints on how he did it or what he did. This obviously has a lot of canon significance to who he is as a person-

(especially when the nature of much of that work is itself somewhat inscrutable; how exactly does he record his voice in whispering stones that only speak to certain parties when the rest of the setting is limited to actually writing things down?)

-but basically what it amounts to is that it's headcanons all the way down, baybey.

PK is... obsessed. This, to me, is the thing that stands out to me at an immediate glance of anything he was capable of. He fashions himself as a rational arbiter; possibly even a thing emotionless, unbiased, but really, it's obvious that certain ideas drove him so powerfully that anything, including unimaginable agonies and cruelties- barely factor. His mind as we explore it has very few guards that try to drive us out and kill us, few true barriers that stop us from moving forwards- but an enormous, vicious, whirling mechanism, beautiful and terrible, that polices every inch we move. You can proceed, the white palace says, if you're perfect. If your timing is perfect, if you never dare the metal teeth that surround you, if you choose exactly the right things and move only as the space is designed to move- and if you are willing to suffer, truly and awfully, then you can proceed, the palace is yours, it is open and the barest adversity will stop you.

This is not the mind of a person who lets things go easily. This is not the mind of a person who is actually detached. This is a beautiful machine, elaborate, precisely calibrated, and it makes miracles.

And it is, quite frankly, an absolute inhospitable nightmare. It might as well be the surface of the moon, not for alienness, but for the sheer ludicrous notion that anyone could live or love there. His mind is a haunted house to end all haunted houses; it'd be a fine locale to find in Silent Hill. The few rooms that actually seem like recollections of real places- the nursery, the workshop, the throne room- are all unsettling in different ways.

The nursery is the loveliest and also the most unattainable; a place for two people who are never coming back to the person who left them behind in the first place and didn't even set a chair for himself- the workshop is cluttered, creepy and miserable, nowhere you'd expect a god to make miracles; the throne room is bleak and dark, and has pillars set like fangs and the only chair so hard and uncomfortable it won't save your progress or give your player character a second of rest.

There is only one mention, anywhere in the game, of coldness associated with anything even adjacent to PK- the description of the pale ore characterizes it as "emanating an icy chill"- and when I remind myself of this, actually go looking for it, it shocks me. PK, to me, is so powerfully and intensely an ice person. Not just in the superficial senses- oh, he's cold, oh, he's callous, oh, he suppresses his emotions and opposes the fiery, sun-aligned Radiance; but that while neither of these gods have any ability to "get over it" whatsoever, the way they hold onto things is drastically polar opposite.

Radiance boils. Simmers. Screams and writhes and rages and pulses to her emotions. Those infected by her plague begin to feel as if they are burning alive the more her influence extends. She is a heat that stokes itself higher and higher and higher, to frenzy and fury, and the coldest it can get is if she methodically banks herself down to coals to pretend for a single utilitarian moment she's not as angry as she is, so she can whisper sweet words just long enough to coax someone onto the cinders.

PK... freezes over. He holds onto things perfectly, as if they never left, as if they never changed. When you walk over the nursery memory it looks just like White Lady could come by and put an infant Hollow in the cradle and sit down to rock them to sleep. It's so clean. So expectant. So empty.

And yet, there's something completely inhospitable to life about it. How could anyone live here? How could anyone be happy here? The game Silent Hill: Shattered Memories has a theme of a happy childhood frozen over in invading ice; that's very much what comes to mind here, even if Hollow's childhood was troubled long before they'd have anything to do with this room. PK ices over, is a person who stopped his own heart at one point just to serve another purpose and, superficially indifferently, left that body behind to rot without any sort of respect or acknowledgement. @rukafais drew a headcanon a very long time ago to the idea that PK could just will his own blood to stop flowing, and that's long one I've stuck with- a living person who is at odds with himself because of this absolute glacial inhospitality.

PK is also... clever. Inventive. One could almost argue too clever for his own good. If there's one way his obsessions are utterly unaffected by this ice and sense of detachment, it's that while Radiance is revolted by, fears and hates the void, PK... was fascinated by it. It's probably the most dangerous non-Radiance thing in the kingdom to him and yet he built his palace right next to the abyss; built a great lighthouse and a smaller alcove room that- unlike the spaces in his own mind- you can actually imagine him sitting, maybe for hours, maybe for days- just staring at the void sea. Dropping things into its grasp only to fetch them back out. Pouring it into shapes, and seeing how it held.

This also seems to convey itself in the shapes that his magic takes, or that similar pale white magic in other places (such as around the dreamers' monument) form; they are extremely intricate. Impossible filigrees of light that dangle in the air. Nowhere is this more obvious than the Pure Vessel fight, the moment where Hollow is remembering what they once were- at the point they were trying to be everything PK wanted of them, everything PK cares about. Hollow's attacks in that fight are beautiful. Ornate. The temporary spikes summoned from the ground have the same woven, 'watered' pattern that we see on the Pure Nail once Ghost acquires it.

So these ideas, of PK- icy stillness, obsessive detail, and insatiable curiosity- condensed for me a lot into how I imagine him fighting or handling situations. I imagine him as fighting with a spear very keenly- not just long reach, but that I associate PK very strongly in my mind with the concept of dissection and vivisection. Everything in its place, labeled, named, and known, consecrated by the light with identity and purpose- the hungry, predatory curiosity of a hunter picking apart prey, but with enough academic backing that they're looking for something more than the juiciest pieces to eat.

So, I imagine PK fighting with spears, and impaling or cutting implements... in that I imagine him fighting like a surgeon, pinning and mounting something or herding it into place.

[astroariska]

Astrology Observation [Chapter 1] ✨

Sagittarius Mars is passionate person. They will only settle with someone who shares the same value, principle, truth and sense of adventure with. They need familiarity even more than any Cancer placement.

Underdeveloped Scorpio Moon often put their lovers into harm because mistrust and low self worth. But developed scorpio moon gives you a very spiritual relationship which provide you emotional fullfilment.

Cancer placement often respect more diversity than any Sagittarius could ever. They just understand and care just because their character are so loving and they think everyone deserve to be loved and understood, as long as it doesn't harm and hurt another people.

Aquarius Sun are more emotional than Aquarius Moon. Aquarius sun feel the pain but detaching to keep it secret. Aquarius moon just ignore the pain and choose detachment to NOT FEEL IT.

Gemini choose violence more often than a Sagittarius. Especially the Mars. They could initiates war because they are just bored or lonely.

Leo's detachment involves alienating things, habit and people they no longer care. It simply becomes out of sight or even dead for Leo.

Taurus uses bathroom and take a shower LONGEST than any signs ever. I know 3 Tauruses and i know they spent more than an hour everyday in the bathroom every morning 👀 (and i hate to say one of them is my dad)

Libra Mars people are great at curating art and loves spent their whole energy in museum.

Pisces Venus often found themselves being overly sexualized or fantasized by other people.

Virgo Mars are too good to critisize things that are flawed. But it because they are too good at looking at themselves as not enough. Practice makes perfect, honey.

Gemini Mercury kids often left their parents speechless for things and words that they are used. It's their 'why?' or 'how?' that blown their parent's mind.

Aries Mars hold the rage better than an Aries Moon.

Please appreciate my work with following this blog 💕 let's be friend 🤗❤

[justmenoworries]

Not Up For Interpretation - An Essay On Nonbinary - Erasure

(Trigger Warning: Misgendering, Transphobia, Nonbinary-phobia)

If you’ve been following me for a while, you probably know this was a long time coming. I’ve made several posts about my frustrations concerning this topic and how much it hurt me just how socially accepted erasing an entire identity still is. While representation marches on and things have become better for nonbinary people as a whole, we still battle with a lot of prejudice - both intentional and unintentional.

In this essay, I want to discuss just how our identities are being erased almost daily, why that is harmful and hurtful and what we all can do to change that.

Chapters:

What does Non-binary mean?

Nonbinary- representation in media

So what’s the problem?

How do we fix it?

1. What Does Non-binary Mean?

Non-binary is actually an umbrella term. It includes pretty much every gender-identity that’s neither one or the other so to speak, for example, agender.

Agender means feeling detachment from the gender spectrum in general. If you’re agender, you most likely feel a distance to the concept of gender as a whole, that it doesn’t define you as a person.

There are many identities that classify under non-binary: There’s gender-fluid (you feel you have a gender, but it’s not one gender specifically and can change), demi-gender (identifying as a gender partially, but not completely) and many others.

Sometimes, multiple non-binary identities can mix and match.

Most non-binary people use they/them pronouns, but like with so many things, it varies.

Some nonbinary-people (like me) go by two pairs of pronouns. I go by both she/her and they/them, because it’s what feels most comfortable at the moment. But who knows, maybe in the future I’ll switch to they/them exclusively or expand to he/him.

There is no one defining non-binary experience. Nb-people are just as varied and different as binary people, who go by one specific gender.

There are non-binary people who choose to go solely by she/her or he/him and that’s okay too. It doesn’t make them any more or less non-binary and their identity is still valid.

If your head’s buzzing a bit by now: That’s okay. It’s a complicated topic and no one expects you to understand all of it in one chapter of one essay.

Just know this: If a person identifies as non-binary, you should respect their decision and use the pronouns they go with.

It’s extremely hurtful to refer to someone who already told you that they use they/them pronouns with she/her or he/him, or use they/them to refer to a person who uses she/her.

Think about it like using a trans-person’s deadname: It’s rude, it’s harmful and it shows complete disrespect for the person.

Non-binary people have existed for a very long time. The concept isn’t new. The idea that there are only two genders, with every other identity being an aberration to the norm, is largely a western idea, spread through colonialism.

The Native American people use “Two-Spirit” to describe someone who identifies neither as a man nor a woman. The term itself is relatively new, but the concept of a third gender is deeply rooted in many Native American cultures.

(Author’s Note: If you are not Native American, please do not use it. That’s cultural appropriation.)

In India, the existence of a third gender has always been acknowledged and there are many terms specifically for people who don’t identify with the gender that was assigned to them at birth.

If you’re interested in learning more about non-binary history and non-binary identities around the world, I’d recommend visiting these websites:

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/History_of_nonbinary_gender

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Gender-variant_identities_worldwide

https://thetempest.co/2020/02/01/history/the-history-of-nonbinary-genders-is-longer-than-you-think/

https://www.teenvogue.com/story/gender-variance-around-the-world

Also, maybe consider giving this book a try:

Nonbinary Gender Identities: History, Culture, Resources by Charlie Mcnabb

2. Non-binary Representation In Media

The representation of non-binary people in mainstream media hasn’t been... great, to put it mildly.

Representation, as we all know, is important.

Not only does it give minorities a chance to see themselves in media and feel heard and acknowledged. It also normalizes them.

For example, seeing a black Disney-princess was a huge deal for many black little girls, because they could finally say there was someone there who looked like them. They could see that being white wasn’t a necessity to be a Disney princess.

Seeing a canonically LGBT+ character in a children’s show teaches kids that love is love, no matter what gender you’re attracted to. At the same time, older LGBT+ viewers will see themselves validated and heard in a movie that features on-screen LGBT+ heroes.

There’s been some huge steps in the right direction in the last few years representation-wise.

Not only do we have more LGBT+ protagonists and characters in general, we’ve also begun to question and call out harmful or bigoted portrayals of the community in media, such as “Bury Your Gays” or the “Depraved Homosexual”.

With that being said: Let’s take a look at how Non-binary representation holds up in comparison, shall we?

This is Double Trouble, from the children’s show “She-Ra And The Princesses Of Power”.

They identify as non-binary and use they/them pronouns. They’re also  a slimy, duplicitous lizard-person who can change their shape at will.

Um, yeah.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Did I mention they’re also the only non-binary character in the entire show? And that they’re working with a genocidal dictator in most of the episodes they’re in?

Yikes.

Let’s look at another example.

These three (in order of appearance) are Stevonnie, Smoky Quartz and Shep. Three characters appearing in the kid’s show “Steven Universe” and it’s epilogue series “Steven Universe: Future”.

All of them identify as non-binary and use they/them as pronouns.

Stevonnie and Smoky Quartz are the result of a boy and a girl being fused together through weird alien magic.

Shep is a regular human, but they only appeared in one episode. In an epilogue series that only hardcore fans actually watched.

Well, I mean...

One out of three isn’t that bad, right?

Maybe we should pick an example from a series for older viewers.

Say hello to Doppelganger, a non-binary superhuman who goes by they/them, from the Amazon-series “The Boys”.

They’re working for a corrupt superhero-agency and use their power of shape-shifting to trick people who pose a threat to said agency into having sex with them. And then blackmail those people with footage of said sex.

....

Do I even need to say it?

If you’ve paid attention during the listing of these examples, you might have noticed a theme.

Namely that characters canonically identifying as non-binary are either

supernatural in some way, shape or form,

barely have a presence in the piece of media they’re in,

both.

Blink-and-you-miss-it-manner of representation aside, the majority of these characters fall squarely under what we call “Othering”.

“Othering” describes the practice of portraying minorities as supernatural creatures or otherwise inhuman. Or to say it bluntly: As “The Other”.

“Othering” is a pretty heinous method. Not only does it portray minorities as inherently abnormal and “different in a bad way”. It also goes directly against what representation is actually for: Normalizing.

As a general rule of thumb: If your piece of media has humans in it, but the only representation of non-white, non-straight people are explicitly inhuman... yeah, that’s bad.

So is there absolutely no positive representation for us out there?

Not quite.

As rare as human non-binary characters in media are to find, they do exist.

Here we have Bloodhound! A non-binary human hunter who uses they/them pronouns, from the game “Apex Legends”.

It’s been confirmed by the devs and the voice actress that they’re non-binary.

Nice!

These are Frisk (bottom) and Chara (top) from the game “Undertale”. While their exact gender identity hasn’t been disclosed, they both canonically use they/them pronouns, so it’s somewhere on the non-binary spectrum.

Two human children who act as the protagonist (Frisk) and antagonist (Chara), depending on how you play the game. (Interpretations vary on the antagonist/protagonist-thing, to say the least.)

Cool!

......

And, yep, that’s it.

As my little demonstration here showed, non-binary representation in media is rare. Good non-binary representation is even rarer.

Which is why those small examples of genuinely good representation are so important to the Non-binary community!

It’s hard enough to have to prove you exist. It’s even harder to prove your existence is not abnormal or unnatural.

If you’d like to further educate yourself on representation, it’s impact on society and why it matters, perhaps take a second to read through these articles:

https://www.criticalhit.net/opinion/representation-media-matters/

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/arts/why-on-screen-representation-matters-according-to-these-teens

https://jperkel.github.io/sciwridiversity2020/

https://www.forbes.com/sites/quora/2019/05/22/why-is-equal-representation-in-media-important/?sh=25f2ccc92a84

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/why-representation-the-media-matters

3. So What’s The Problem?

The problem, as is the case with so many things in the world, is prejudice.

Actually, that’s not true.

There’s not a problem, there are multiple problems. And their names are prejudice, ignorance and bigotry.

Remember how I said human non-binary representation is rare?

Yeah, very often media-fans don’t help.

Let’s take for example, the aforementioned Frisk and Chara from “Undertale”.

Despite the game explicitly using they/them to refer to both characters multiple times, the majority of players somehow got it into their heads that Frisk’s and Chara’s gender was “up for interpretation”.

There is a huge amount of fan art straight-up misgendering both characters and portraying them as binary and using only he/him or she/her pronouns.

The most egregious examples are two massively popular fan-animated web shows: “Glitchtale”, by Camila Cuevas and “Underverse” by Jael Peñaloza.

Both series are very beloved by the Undertale-fanbase and even outside of it. Meaning for many people, those two shows might be their first introduction to “Undertale” and it’s two non-binary human characters.

Take a wild guess what both Camila and Jael did with Frisk and Chara.

Underverse, X-Tale IV:

(Transcript: “Frisk lied to me in the worst possible way... I... I will never forgive him.”)

Underverse, X-Tale V:

(Transcript: “I-It’s Chara... and it’s a BOY.”)

Glitchtale, My Promise:

(Transcript: (Referring to Frisk) “I’m not scared of an angry boy anymore.”)

Glitchtale, Game Over Part 1:

(Transcript: (Referring to Chara) “It’s ok little boy.”)

This... this isn’t okay.

Not only do both of these pieces of fan-art misgender two non-binary characters, the creators knew beforehand that Frisk and Chara use they/them-pronouns, but made the conscious choice to ignore that.

To be fair, in a video discussing “Underverse”, Jael said that only X-Tale Frisk and Chara, the characters you see in the Underverse-examples above, are male, while the characters Frisk and Chara from the main game remained non-binary and used they/them (time-stamp 10:34).

Still, that doesn’t erase the fact that Jael made up alternate versions of two non-binary characters specifically to turn them male. Or that, while addressing the issue, Jael was incredibly dismissive and even mocked the people who felt hurt by her turning two non-binary characters male. Jael also went on to make a fairly non-binary-phobic joke in the video, in which she equated gender identities beyond male and female to identifying as an object.

Jael (translated): “I don’t care if people say the original Frisk and Chara are male, female, helicopters, chairs, dogs or cats, buildings, clouds...”

That’s actually a very common joke among transphobes, if not to say the transphobe-joke:

“Oh, you identify as X? Well then I identify as an attack helicopter!”

If you’re trans, chances are you’ve heard this one, or a variation of it, a million times before.

I certainly have.

I didn’t laugh then and I’m not laughing now.

(Author’s note: I might be angry at both of them for what they did, but I do not, under any circumstances, support the harassment of creators. If you’re thinking about sending either Jael or Camila hate-mail - don’t. It won’t help.)

Jael’s reaction is sadly common in the Undertale fandom. Anyone speaking up against Chara’s and Frisk’s identity being erased is immediately bludgeoned with the “up for interpretation”-argument, despite that not once being the case in the game.

And even with people who do it right and portray Frisk and Chara as they/them, you’ll have dozens of commenters swarming the work with sentences among the lines of “Oh but I think Frisk is a boy/girl! And Chara is a girl/boy!”

By the way, this kind of thing only happens to Frisk and Chara.

Every other character in “Undertale” is referred to and portrayed with their proper pronouns of she/her or he/him.

But not the characters who go by they/them.

Their gender is “up for interpretation”.

Because obviously, their identity couldn’t possibly be canonically non-binary.

Sadly, Frisk and Chara are not alone in this.

Remember Bloodhound?

And how I said they’d been confirmed as non-binary and using they/them pronouns by both the creators and the voice actress?

It seems for many players, that too translated to “up for interpretation”.

(Transcript: “does it matter what they call him? He, her, it, they toaster oven, it doesn’t matter”)

(Transcript: “I’m like 90 % sure Bloodhound is a dude because he could just sound like a girl and by their age that I’m assuming looks around 10-12 because I’ve known many males who have sounded like a female when they were younger”)

(Transcript: “I don’t care it will always be a He. F*ck that non-binary bullsh*t.”)

(Transcript: “Bloodhound is clearly female.”)

(Transcript: “I’m not calling a video game character they/them”)

(Transcript: “exactly. The face was never fully shown neither was the gender so I’d say it means that the player is Bloodhound. So it’s your gender and you refer to “him” as yourself. It’s like a self insertion in my eyes.”)

So, let me get this straight:

If a character, even a player character, uses she/her or he/him, you can accept it, no questions asked.

But when a character uses they/them, suddenly their identity and gender are “up for interpretation”?

This attitude is also widely prevalent in real life.

Many languages only include pronouns for men and women, with no third option available. Non-binary people are often forced to make up their own terms, because their language doesn’t provide one.

Non-binary people often don’t fit within other people’s ideas of gender, so they get excluded altogether. Worse, non-binary people are often the victims of misgendering, denial of their identity or even straight-up violence when coming out.

People will often tell us that we look like a certain gender, so we should only use one set of gendered pronouns. Never mind that that’s not what we want. Never mind that that’s not who we are.

Non-binary people are also largely omitted from legal documentation and studies. We cannot identify as non-binary at our workplace, because using they/them pronouns is considered “unprofessional”. We don’t have our own bathrooms like men and women do. Our gender is seen as less valid than male and female, so even that basic thing is denied to us. I’ve had to use the women’s restroom my entire life, because if I go into a male restroom, I’ll be yelled at or made fun off or simply get told I took the wrong door. It’s extremely uncomfortable for me and I wish I didn’t have to do it.

And since non-binary people aren’t seen as “real transgender-people”, we often don’t receive the medical care we need. This often renders us unable to feel good within our bodies, because the treatment and help we get is wildly inadequate.

It’s especially horrible for intersex people (people who are born with sex characteristics that don’t fit solely into the male/female category) who are often forced to change their bodies to fit within the male/female gender binary.

And you better believe each of those problems is increased ten-fold for non-binary people of color.

We are ignored and dismissed as “confused”, because of who we are.

Representation is a way for Non-binary people to show the world they exist, that they’re here and that they too have stories to tell.

But how can we, when every character that represents us is either othered, barely there or gets taken away from us?

We are not “up for interpretation”.

Neither are the characters in media who share our identity.

And it’s time to stop pretending we ever were.

For more information about Non-Binary Erasure and how harmful it is, you can check out these articles:

https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/08/common-non-binary-erasure/

https://www.dailydot.com/irl/nonbinary-people-racism/

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Nonbinary_erasure

https://traj.openlibhums.org/articles/10.16995/traj.422/

https://medium.com/an-injustice/everyday-acts-of-non-binary-erasure-49ee970654fb

https://medium.com/national-center-for-institutional-diversity/the-invisible-labor-of-liberating-non-binary-identities-in-higher-education-3f75315870ec

https://musingsofanacademicasexual.wordpress.com/2015/05/11/dear-sirmadam-a-commentary-on-non-binary-erasure/

4. How Do We Fix It?

Well, first things first: Stop acting like we don’t exist.

And kindly stop other people from doing it too.

We are a part of the LGBT+ community and we deserve to be acknowledged, no matter what our pronouns are.

Address non-binary people with the right pronouns. Don’t argue with them about their identity, don’t comment on how much you think they look like a boy or a girl. Just accept them and be respectful.

If a non-binary person tells you they have two sets of pronouns, for example he/him and they/them, don’t just use one set of pronouns. That can come off as disingenuous. Alternate between the pronouns, don’t leave one or the other out. It’ll probably be hard at first, but if you keep it up, you’ll get used to it pretty quickly.

If you’re witnessing someone harass a non-binary person over their identity, step in and help them.

And please, don’t partake in non-binary erasure in media fandoms.

Don’t misgender non-binary characters, don’t “speculate” on what you think their gender might be. You already know their gender and it’s non-binary. It costs exactly 0 $ to be a decent human being and accept that.

Support Non-Binary people by educating yourself about them and helping to normalize and integrate their identity.

In fact, here’s a list of petitions, organizations and articles who will help you do just that:

https://www.change.org/p/collegeboard-let-students-use-their-preferred-name-on-collegeboard-9abad81a-0fdf-435c-8fca-fe24a5df6cc7?source_location=topic_page

6 Ways to Support Your Non-Binary Child

7 Non-Negotiables for Supporting Trans & Non-Binary Students in Your Classroom

If Your Partner Just Came Out As Non-Binary, Here’s How To Support Them

How to Support Your Non-Binary Employees, Colleagues and Friends

Ko-fi page for the Nonbinary Wiki

The Sylvia Rivera Project, an organization who aims to give low-income and non-white transgender, intersex and non-binary people a voice

The Anti Violence Project “empowers lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and HIV-affected communities and allies to end all forms of violence through organizing and education, and supports survivors through counseling and advocacy."

The Trans Lifeline, a hotline for transgender people by transgender people

Tl:DR: Non-Binary representation is important. Non-Binary people still suffer from society at large not acknowledging our existence and forcing us to conform. Don’t be part of that problem by taking away what little representation we have. Educate yourself and do better instead. We deserve to be seen and heard.

[wedreamedlove]

Xu Mo vs. Mo Yi [Character Study]

I can never get over the aesthetic of these two pictures placed side by side LOL. But, anyway, the point of this post is to nip any undue comparisons in the bud and claims of copying organize my thoughts and compare these two characters to highlight their similarities, differences, and further explore each character through these contrasts.

Q) If you like Xu Mo, would you like Mo Yi?

Honestly, I think this depends on what you like most about Xu Mo. I already knew beforehand that I gravitate towards characters who think 5 steps ahead, are predominantly logical, and scholars/gentlemen, so it’s not surprising I bias both Xu Mo and Mo Yi.

However, as I got to know Mo Yi further (Themis is around 6 months old now), I find that he’s distinctively different from Xu Mo on three crucial points that’ll determine whether people from either camp will like the other character.

1) Stance on Others

In a post for Xu Mo, “Into Your World”, I argued that Xu Mo is an alienated genius who had troubles getting along with others, until he mastered the social game as an adult. However, you can still see glimpses of this as he tries to understand MC’s world and shares his own.

To be fair, Mo Yi’s past is still under wraps but I feel confident in saying that, while he was probably highly intelligent compared to his peers [SR Sculpted Heart], his isolation doesn’t seem to come from his innate nature but rather his social position (there’s heavy implications that he’s like some sort of noble or something) [SR Snowy Pine Fairytale].

IMO, these backgrounds really shaped the way these two men interact with the world.

Xu Mo has a detached and indifferent view towards other people. They simply exist and don’t bring anything positive or negative to him. His ambition to ensure the survival of humanity reflects this too because it’s pure utilitarianism; everyone (apart from MC) can be sacrificed equally for the greater good. If anything, he probably finds other people to be interesting subjects to study, no matter what kind of person they are. IIRC the only time he expressed dislike to people, or a group of people, was when he told Hades he enjoyed killing thieves LOL.

Meanwhile, Mo Yi has an elitist streak to the point where he and his MC actually clashed opinions and debated each other [SR Warm Fingertips]. It’s incredibly ironic because he’s a psychiatrist who treats his patients without judgment, but at the same time he looks down on so many things and people (PUAs, people who betray love, hypocrites who only seek power and fame) [Ch2; Personal Story Ch1-3; SSR Moonlit Ball].

One of the things I noticed early on is that Xu Mo draws from the Eastern scholar archetype, “Xu Mo Character Study”, while Mo Yi actually draws more from the Western gentleman archetype.

So, just to summarize this section, Xu Mo is detached from the world naturally and likes to observe people and try to blend in. Mo Yi deliberately draws a line between him and others and, at times, has the casual cruelty of someone born as nobility (arrogance is carved into his bones, even if he tends to keep it low-key because he generally has a “gentle and polite” attitude).

2) Stance on Love

Xu Mo didn’t understand love, or really even emotions. Love is grown between him and his MC (there’s multiple analogies throughout the game about how their love is like a seed). I think [Ch25] pretty much sums it up for Xu Mo, where he goes through that emotional rollercoaster and muses about how, at the end of human evolution, emotions should be discarded. He also admits that MC taught him the “fear” of a normal person, because now he has someone he cannot give up no matter what, which goes against his previous utilitarian beliefs.

Compared to this, Mo Yi fell in love at first sight. Yes, you read that right. The “scientist and logical” archetype fell in love at first sight LOL. Not only does he acknowledge it right off the bat, but he fully embraces it too and believes that real love makes people better versions of themselves [Personal Story]. Mo Yi is a through and through psychiatrist in that he never underestimates how primal emotions (and love) can be.

Heck, not only is this central to his personal story, but we also have hints that one of Mo Yi’s parents fell in love at first sight with the other person (and he inherited their predisposition for that). Unfortunately, their love had a tragic end and Mo Yi seems to have a huge grudge against his father for whatever happened to his mother (again, Mihoyo is keeping this a mystery LOL), but Mo Yi explicitly confirms that even if his love leads to a tragic end he will still walk down this road and attempt to change it [SR Cool Summer].

IMO one other difference between them re: love is this exchange that lives rent free in my head which I saw in a Xu Mo/Reader/Mo Yi fanfiction LOL. Bear with me here.

Mo Yi: Wearing a mask for a long time will tire you.

Xu Mo: It’s enough just to wear one in front of the necessary person.

Xu Mo and his MC make great efforts to understand each other’s worlds, but this understanding comes from the doors he chooses to open to her. He reveals himself as much as possible, but I think he’s an inherently private person (and there’s all that Ares stuff) so there are times where he hides things so that he doesn’t worry his MC. I think this is enough to count as a “mask”. Sometimes he pretends he’s okay when he’s not.

On the other hand, while I think Mo Yi shares the sentiment in not wanting his MC to worry unduly, he tries to reveal himself as much as possible. There’s an amazingly relatable conflict in him here where he wants her to know every side of him, but he’s also terrified of how she’ll react if he shows her his ugliest sides and imperfect sides (he has some sort of phobia or fear about imperfection, but Mihoyo has been keeping mum on the exact details of this so far) [Personal Story; SR Sculpted Heart].

It’s pretty ironic that Mo Yi wants to be perfect, but he realizes that the more perfect he is the more of a sense of distance there’ll be between him and his MC because of the subconscious pressure someone “perfect” brings LOL [SSR Border of Light and Darkness].

3) Stance on Growth

If you haven’t realized that one of Xu Mo’s greatest themes is the phrase “Take your time in growing”, then what have you been reading? Jkjk, but seriously this gets repeated in multiple places, although my brain always goes back to [Blossom Date] for this.

Even if he and his MC start off with fundamental differences (she believes all people have inherent worth and can’t be involuntarily sacrificed), he wants to personally watch the journey of her maturation. He also subtly guides and teaches her. Unfortunately, due to circumstances of the main story, he doesn’t get his wish and she grows up a lot out of his eyes, but their relationship still revolves around him wanting her to have as much time as possible to grow.

He’s, for a lack of better word, extremely gentle about this (setting aside as much of the Ares and story parts as we can, because LovePro’s story is tragedy on tragedy LOL). I think [Autumn Blaze Date] shows a good analogy for this, because he holds the bicycle steady for MC until she can get going on her own, and he also catches her the first time.

Meanwhile, Mo Yi... ha ha ha. I just came out of chapter 3 for his [Personal Story] and let’s just say his philosophy is tough love. It’s ironic because, in many of his other dates, he wrestles with an internal conflict to protect his MC but also to let her experience all sorts of things to both test and temper her.

This is going to touch on the previous topic about love for a moment, but a part of Mo Yi’s love at first sight experience is also “testing” the other person through all sorts of situations and, after seeing all their different sides, he can determine whether his love at first sight is one that’ll last for the rest of his life or if it’s just a fleeting moment of beauty and emotion.

He also extremely respects his MC’s sense of justice and pursuit of the truth in the world, no matter what she encounters, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this is what drew him to her in the first place. But MC’s occupation and beliefs will make her confront a lot of dark and dangerous things and so, whenever possible, Mo Yi lets her confront these in “controlled” situations to train her. If I had to make an analogy, IMO, he’d let his MC ride the bicycle and pick her up only after she falls, or when she’s like 0.1cm away from the ground LOL.

Mo Yi is (perhaps rightfully) called out on this by another character, who believes Mo Yi is too arrogant in believing everything is under his control and he can prevent MC from getting hurt whenever he lets her get into dangerous situations, and I’m interested to see if Mihoyo will let him experience failures with his philosophy so he can grow more, like the things Xu Mo went through re: his personal beliefs [Ch24].

Overall

I don’t know how well I explained myself, especially for people who don’t know anything about Mo Yi, and each section goes back and forth between the two characters LOL so here’s another section that attempts to describe their overall atmosphere.

If, like I said in my Headcanon Notes, Xu Mo makes me immediately think of all the words for soft, gentle, light, still, water, etc etc., then the words I constantly think about for Mo Yi is messily human. He’s like a bundle of contradictions, but coherent because it’s being intentionally done.

Mo Yi doesn’t discriminate against his patients, yet he can be elitist and looks down on others. He wants to let MC have dangerous experiences, but also wants to protect her. He wants to be perfect, but he also wants to reveal himself entirely to his MC because that’s real love.

In contrast, Xu Mo has a very clean and orderly personality LOL. You can draw clear cause and effect lines from his personality to his actions.

So, anyway, these are two interesting characters who start off with similar archetypes as scientific logical men of scholar/gentleman dispositions, but yet they’re also on opposite ends for a lot of things such as their approach to emotions and the world.

Oh wait, lastly, because I don’t have a good place to put this—but I think it’s funny—is that both characters are pretty possessive and greedy, but while Xu Mo does things in a sneaky, cunning and fox-like way Mo Yi gets ridiculously open about his jealousy and it’s hilariously cute but also almost childish? I often forget Mo Yi is older than Xu Mo by a year, because Xu Mo honestly feels a bit more mature than him LOL. If we count them actually aging by when their game came out though, then Mo Yi is 28 and Xu Mo is 29 now.

[janiedean]

if you ever wrote that rant about grrm making jon his chosen one deconstruction i'd be very happy to read it 👀

hello anon sorry for the lateness but here we go *deep breath*

sssooo, I had once ranted about it though not mentioning the thing I mentioned in those tags so lemme see if I can find the op and like... cp the main argument and amend it bc it was long, but okay so I found it, original anon asked me: why is Jon considered to be one of the most special characters grrm created? Why is he not the typical hero of fantasy books?, my original answer was here if anyone wants to go there but basically lemme just cp the first part making it shorter and then I'm adding:

first thing, the Typical Post-Tolkien Chosen One With A Shitty Life Before He Finds Out He Is Chosen™ character (I’m saying post-tolkien because every fantasy writer in existence who copies tolkien thinks that lotr went like that and instead it didn’t) usually goes through the following steps: his life sucks up until the beginning of the series, his family generally hates him/her or doesn’t appreciate them or abuses them or anyway doesn’t make their life easier and they’ve never known any different, but *something* never quite worked right and they always knew something was missing in their life, they just didn’t know why. suddenly someone who knows they were Chosen™ shows up and tells them that they’re actually Special because of this this and that and they have a quest to go on to save the world or something. our hero/heroine obviously is finally validated and while their quest is hard and full of hardships and maybe they lose a few friends along the way, finding out that they were Chosen gives their life meaning, they usually find love/friends/everything they didn’t have before until they fulfill the Prophecy™ and live more or less happily ever after, possibly after hooking up with the Person Of Their Dreams with whom they had UST up until the last twenty pages of the book. basically: being Chosen™ in regular fantasy novels is a good thing because suddenly you’re special and all the crap you suffered acquires a new meaning and in the end it made your life better.

jon snow is a complete overhaul of about everything in this sense because

instead of having a family who hates him he has a family who actually mostly loves him, and with ned it’s arguably so much that he risks royal treason by keeping him hidden from his *best friend* - sure, there’s cat and peripherally sansa, but his issues stem from the fact that he feels lesser because he’s a bastard (as far as he knows) and it’s a *class* issue, not a *my family hates me* issue not counting catelyn obv but that's what gives him freudian issues more on that in the emended part later

no one actually knows that he’s Chosen™ - like mel could get there and probably will and someone will put two and two together when his parentage comes out in the open, but he doesn’t have a gandalf or mentor who shows him The Way Towards His Quest

so instead of going from ‘my life sucks but I’m going on a quest which is gonna be a+’ he actively chooses to leave a fairly decent situation (a household he knows, siblings who love him - ned actually hoped he’d become robb’s counselor or right hand man or something from what we can gather) because he feels like he has to prove he’s better than his name and goes to the Crappiest Place In Westeros. like idk if people grasp it, but the wall is basically a prison and at the ripe age of fourteen he decides that it’s totally a good and honorable choice (his only choice actually) to go defend the realm in the freezing cold along with a bunch of criminals/derelicts/rejects of society

at which point he makes friends among said rejects and let’s remember that it’s the point where he actually has to do his first an only privilege when donal noye made him go like hey you were brought up with nobles these ppl are here because they stole bread, and that helps making him more into the person he is rn but like your tyopical fantasy hero who has had a shitty life doesn’t usually have to acknowledge that other people might have had it worse

then he goes on the Quest where he finds his first One True Love, and that’s where it turns even worse because usually the quest is where things start to go right for the Hero™, instead for jon they start to go wronger, because first he has to go undercover which pretty much tests most of his belief/code system, he falls in love with a girl he has to betray, half of his friends and his lord commander die along the way, while he’s off doing his thing winterfell gets taken/burned and robb dies when jon openly stated that he also was going to the wall to defend his family and keep them safe (yeaaah worked out real well), when he goes back to the wall he has to fight the people he lived with for months, the woman he loves dies in his arms and he can’t do anything about it and he’s aware it couldn’t have gone any other way, people put defending the wall on him and then put his loyalty in question, when stannis shows up with a legitimization (which is everything he ever wanted) he refuses because he doesn’t want to accidentally steal his siblings’s inheritance (which was what cat was so worried about hahaha) and actively chooses the crappy defending the realm life all over again. also in all this time his being Chosen™ hasn’t manifested or helped him in any way whatsoever - actually all his honor-moral code related baggage is what  moral dilemmas come from that. like, your usual chosen hero™ would always take the right decision and it all turns out good eventually, jon takes the morally right decision and it all turns SOUR eventually

at this point he finally gets elected LC, thanks to his friends also pitching in, which is about the one fantasy hero™ thing that’s happened for now. should be good, yes?

lol no, because he ends up with THAT hellish responsibility at sixteen, since he thinks that he has absolutely to be even better than that now and he has very specific notions about how you should lead and he knows he has to take unpopular decisions/decisions that he doesn’t necessarily like, he ends up either having to send his friends away forreal (sam) or detaching from them (pyp/grenn/the likes) and when as far as he knows he learns that his sister is married to ramsay he can’t do anything about it

never mind that it’s the same situation as when he had to pick the watch or robb in book one - he went there to defend his family and now being there actually prevents him from helping them in person. ops. meanwhile he’s trying to implement a new vision of things which is modern and smart and actually makes sense because why fighting the wildlings when you have ZOMBIES coming. your usual Chosen One™ would get people to approve just because he’s the Chosen One

instead jon gets stabbed to death - okay, that was also because he wanted to go get arya but it was the last straw, people were pissed over the wildlings plan first and foremost

so basically he’s gone through all the Chosen One™ steps but in reverse - he loses his family which did love him instead of finding another one that makes the first pale in comparison, he does find a new one who loves him but has to alienate most of its members for responsibility reasons as a consequence of what should have been the crowning achievement of his life choices (which eventually is NOT one), he falls in love and they don’t drag the UST forever but they never get a chance to be together without small print in between, he chooses the admittedly most masochistic life he could for his family as well and half of them die and he can’t do a thing for the other half, every other mentor-like figure he runs into after ned dies, instead of finding validation he ends up having to isolate himself and on top of everything HE STILL DOESN’T FUCKING KNOW HE’S THE CHOSEN ONE™

so instead of his life going better the more he learns stuff and matures as a person, he gets murdered. by the people he trusts and who were supposed to be his new family. haha?

never mind that when he finds out he’s the Chosen One™ it won’t bring him closure because all he ever wanted was being full stark like his father/siblings and then bam he’s going to find out his father’s actually targaryen and what does that even mean to him?

on top of that being AA will just be a pain because I don’t believe for a second he’s not going to get leftover ptsd and who the hell is gonna help him deal with it? or how is he ever getting over his *brothers* murdering him? and people are going to ask stuff of him all over again and he’s gonna have to go slay a mythical monster and if I know grrm it’s not gonna be fun, pretty or cathartic FOR HIM

on top of that, Chosen Hero™ fulfills the prophecy and gets a realm to rule and everyone lives happily ever after. money is that if jon does get that realm (and I think he is because he has the best claim if he's legitimate and most likely it'll turn out he was on the targ side but ROBB also legitimized him so he has double the legitimization), he’s going to hate every second of it and he’ll take it because a) duty, b) literally no one else is available, and like this guy didn’t want to rule a realm or be a king or anything he just wanted to be a stark, and instead he’s going to have to after all that shit thanks to Magical And Noble Heritage he hadn’t even known he had and probably didn’t even want up to that point because since when jon wanted to be a targ? yeah since never

obviously I hope he manages to be somewhat happy regardless because the alternative is too miserable, but basically being a Chosen Hero™ is what makes jon’s life worse rather than better and the fact that hew went through all the regular self-discovery journey for the fantasy hero list doesn’t mean he’s not flipping that over in his sl. the fact that he stayed a decent person more or less throughout it and that he hasn’t turned into a bitter asshole also doesn’t change the main point XD

tldr: jon snow is not a typical fantasy hero because he deconstructs that trope into tiny little bits same as robb deconstructed the arthurian flawless king hero trope

now ^^^^^ THAT was what I originally wrote for that meta but adding on to what I said in those tags

okay so... there is a certain tendency to also make the chosen one™ special in the sense that he's kind of goals - good looking, rich or set to inherit, gallant, takes the initiative, he's like.. social or anyway immediately makes friends etc and all that jazz which jon... doesn't really fit

like jon is an introvert who immediately makes friends just with outcasts and his siblings also bc he feels like one but he's hardly a social butterfly and charms everyone wherever he walks by

I mean ffs says all that the only person he charmed in that sense is stannis who is the literal only person in charge in the books who is more introvert than him and has worse communication issues and appreciates ppl going straight to the point

on top of that in the book he looks like ned.... and arya looks like ned and ned isn't described as being particularly handsome that was brandon so he's not even like... I mean kit h. is v. pretty and I think he was a good choice for the role and I'll die on the hill that he was born to play that character and he did it well but book!jon doesn't have that kinda pretty face so the concept that he's the HOT alternative to anyone to me is kind of iffy bc he's not

he's shit at social interactions and at PR which is why robb and him would have been a key winning ticket like he has a better idea of the larger picture but robb would have actually made sure ppl didn't turn against them bc he actually was good at that but like he doesn't go around rallying armies in his name does he

the one time he's been with a girl it was ygritte and like he courted her without realizing it and then she had to pursue him and he barely knew wtf to do on top of the fact that they slept with ghost in the middle of them like a sword which..... is.... I mean sleeping with the sword in the middle was a thing to make sure the maiden stayed a maiden and he's the one who is like i CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH HER EVEN IF I WANT TO BECAUSE I'M TECHNICALLY SPYING ON THEM like... he's not... gallant-knight coded

never mind that the moment they do the do she basically does everything until he decides to try the oral which I mean... isn't exactly alphadominatingmale out of jon which is not a given with the trope he's supposed to represent like he's not smooth he's not suave he's like WHAT THE FUCK when ygritte tells him he has a pretty face bc most likely no one else told him that and he like... doesn't pursue people like that in general which is also not exactly 100% what that trope usually goes for

we can add that he has a lot of passive-aggressive little shit sarcasm in him that they didn't let him go for in the show but like... usually chosen heroes™ don't think what he thinks about selyse in general

we can also add that he's not automatically above being better than his position like... he doesn't take winterfell bc ygritte is dead but he did think he'd have taken the deal sansa or not if stannis had said he could marry her and not val and if she wasn't dead, he basically went off the rails at the dude he was fighting with thinking about robb telling him that he couldn't be lord of wf because he was a bastard and he's absolutely not in the frame of mind of 'well I was born a bastard who cares it doesn't define me'

he's obsessed to the point of unhealthy with actually being defined by it which is why he was better off with the wildlings aka the only idiots in the realm who don't gaf about that

and that's like... I mean usually if chosen ones™ have parental issues it's like 'you were an orphan and raised by asses who weren't your parents but your parents loved you and you'll find out at some point and you'll be happier for it and make your own family', jon is like... he has the mommy freudian issues of the century bc of how cat treated him, on the other side he's obsessed with living up to ned's/his father's name and he hates that it makes him not-belonging or that he feels like he doesn't even if he does with his siblings, and at the same time when the truth about it comes out he's going to get the cold shower of the century bc like - he's spent all that time thinking BUT DID MY MOTHER WANT ME WHO WAS MY MOTHER and he's going to find out of who it was and how he was born and honestly considering that lyanna most likely did regret running with rhaegar the moment he finds that out and that she died birthing him how is he going to feel? - also he spends his life wanting to live up to his 'father's' name aka ned aka someone known to be honorable to a fault and then it turns out his bio father is... the dude who started that entire rebellion not doing a very honorable thing? - also if jon*erys is a thing idt that he'd take 'I fell in love with my aunt' so nonchalantly as he did in the show tldr: he's never gonna get over his parental issues in a short time and when that particular brick hits him in the face it won't be pretty

like the entire point of jon is that he goes through all the chosenone™ cursus honorum as we'd call it in high school when studying latin but each step that means smth good for the usual chosenone™ to him is something bad, being one is not going to make his life better and throughout the entire thing he does not fit that stereotype when it comes to look, personality, basic traits and familial history and like hell he's going to have the happy ending tied up with the bow - like I think he gets a bittersweet one and eventually goes off with the wildlings bc he belongs there after being jon snow first of his name (bc like hell he's not reclaiming his bastard background at the end of this entire mess I'm eating my hat if he doesn't) after splitting the seven realms and fixing things but that's hardly the neat happy ending the chosenone™ usually gets so that's my two cents

... christ this was long *raises hands*

[wickwrites]

Burning as a Motif for Humanity in Violet Evergarden

I think, when watching Violet Evergarden, most of us picked up on fire as a motif for Violet’s trauma – the violence and destruction she witnessed in the war, and the violence and destruction she engendered with her own hands. I’m not going to go into this too much because it’s all pretty self-explanatory, if not trite, but here are some quick examples of fire as a motif for her trauma just to lay the groundwork for the rest of the essay:

In frame 1 (episode 8), Violet draws first blood on the battlefield, and the once contained fire from the felled soldiers’ lanterns spread quickly through the forest, a symbol for how one small act of violence can cascade into large scale destruction. In frame 2, Gilbert stares at the carnage in front of him, horrified. In frame 3, the major is shot, and all we get to see is a screen of flames. In frame 4 (episode 12), Merkulov stares into a fire as he schemes about re-kindling the war.

I want to follow this (well trodden) opinion up with a more encompassing statement. That is, fire, in Violet Evergarden, is not limited to representing the destructive power of violence and trauma. Instead, it is a motif for humanity itself – an embodiment of the full range of experiences and emotions that make us human.  

To show this, I’m going to start off at the beginning of Violet’s journey, focusing on how her disconnect (from herself as well as others) is illustrated in episode one. For instance, her initial struggle to move her now mechanical arms as she sits in her hospital bed in the opening sequence is an excellent embodiment of her dissociation from her own body and lack of agency. I want to, however, focus on two scenes that are particularly relevant for our discussion:

First, the scene where Violet spills tea on her hand:

And second, the scene where Hodgins insists that Violet is burning:

These scenes are similar: in both, someone asserts that Violet must be in pain, specifically due to burning, and in both, Violet rejects that statement. In the first, however, that burning is physical. And in the second, that burning is emotional. Regardless, Violet is so removed from her own body that she is incapable of feeling either. Her mechanical hand is therefore an embodiment of her inhumanity (ie. her “dollness” or “weapon-ness”). Like her, it is cold, mechanical, insensitive, without life or agency. After all, up until now, all she’s been doing is killing on command, without the ability to think for herself, experience her own pain, or sympathize with her victims’ pain.

When the screen shows that Hodgins is indeed correct, that Violet is literally on fire (frame 1), that fire is depicted with restraint. Flames engulfs Violet’s body, but those flames are from a streetlamp enclosed in glass. It is controlled and distant. This encapsulates Violet’s current state; she is literally on fire, but that fire is so compartmentalized and suppressed, and she is so far removed from her own experience, that she is incapable of feeling it.

In frame 2, we are viewing Violet in a flashback, from Hodgin’s point of view. Although we’re offered a close up shot of her bloodied hands, we see, about two cuts later, that Hodgin is actually observing Violet from afar (frame 2.5). This distance demonstrates that he cannot bring himself to reach out to her, something that Hodgin confesses he feels guilty about literally 5 seconds later. They were, at that point in time, and perhaps even now, unable to connect.

In frames 3 and 4, Hodgin is speaking again. We get this super far shot of Violet’s body. The camera is straight on, objective, and unfeeling. This unsympathetic framing has two functions. First, it distances us from Violet. Our inability to see the details on her face and her relatively neutral body language gives us, the audience, no real way inidication her thoughts. Second, it distances Violet from herself. As someone who experiences dissociative symptoms from PTSD, this is a very poignant way of framing what it feels like to be removed from your own experience. Hodgin’s line, “You’ll understand what I’m saying one day. And, for the first time, you’ll notice all your burn scars,” further drives home the sense that Violet is completely estranged from herself. It almost feels like we are looking at her, from her own detached point of view.

We’re going to move on now, but we’ll get back to these frames later in the analysis, so hold onto them.

Throughout Violet’s journey, fire comes up again and again. Specifically, it shows up in moments of emotional intimacy, connection, and healing. Let’s see what I mean by this:

I have here a collection of moments that all occur at the same narrative point in their respective mini-stories: the moment where one character reaches out to another, sympathizes with them, and literally pulls them of their darkness. For example, frame 1 (episode 3) shows Violet bringing a letter from Luculia to her brother. It expresses Luculia’s gratitude and love for him, and ultimately mends their relationship. In frame 2 (episode 4), Violet and Iris share a moment of emotional intimacy and connection, which is the beginning of Iris’ story’s resolution. In frame 3 (episode 9), Violet’s suicidal despondency is interrupted by the mailman, bringing her a heartwarming letter from all her friends. In frame 4 (episode 11), Violet comforts a dying solder by a fireplace.

It’s not that other modes of lighting do not exist – modern looking lamps show up repeatedly in the show. Even Iris’ rural family has them, so I can reasonably assume that, no, the above moments do not all coincidentally use lamps because that’s all there is in this universe; the usage of fire during moments of catharsis is deliberate, and establishes that fire can also bring hope, kindness, and love.

Now that we’ve explored the dual nature of fire as both destructive/constructive, painful/cathartic, let’s go onto the thesis of my essay. Why do I say that being on fire is to be human? Let’s go back to the scene where Hodgin tells Violet she’s on fire (episode 1, on the left), and compare it to the scene where Violet finally realizes that Hodgin was right and that she is on fire (episode 7, on the right):

In these sequences, there is a notable shift in framing and perspective. In frame 1b, we finally get to see Violet’s blood-stained hands from her point of view, as opposed to from Hodgin’s point of view in 1a. Violet becomes aware of her past as an actual agent choosing to kill, shown through the first-person point of view. Similarly, the medium, straight on shot of Violet looking down at her hands (frame 2a) is replaced with an intimate first-person, close-up view (frame 2b). In shots 3a and 3b, the difference in framing is most pronounced. In 3a, we get this straight on, long shot. In frame 3b, the camera’s detachment is replaced by a claustrophobic closeness. While this framing does an excellent job at conveying the panicked feeling of “everything crashing down all at once”, it also demonstrates Violet’s new-found awareness of herself. While before, the camera was used to alienate, now it is used to create a sense of painful awareness and intimacy.

These series of shots are the first in the entire show, I believe, of Violet's body from her own point of view. Their co-incidence with her awakening self-awareness characterizes the state of “being in one’s body” as a precondition to self-connection, or more specifically, to Violet’s understanding of herself as neither a weapon nor a doll, but as a human. Correspondingly, this pivotal moment serves as a catalyst for her subsequent emotional development. From this episode on towards the finale, we’re launched into a heart wrenching sequence of events: Violet’s desperate grieving for Gilbert’s apparent death, her attempted suicide driven by newfound grief, and most importantly, Violet receiving her first written letter, an act that is strongly representative of genuine human connection. Following these events, Violet’s emotional connection to both herself and others only continues to grow; during her two final jobs of the story, she breaks down crying in response to the suffering of her clients, demonstrating a level of compassion—if not empathy—that she seems to have never been able to tap into before.

At the same time, Violet acquires a new sense of agency, making plot-driving decisions that no longer require other characters’ validations. Most poignantly, in episode 12, she chooses to stay on the train to fight Merkulov, explicitly going against Dietfried’s order for her to leave. Her reason?

She doesn’t want anyone to die anymore.

And it’s this moment, for me, that consolidated her as a character with true agency. Up until now, all her major decisions have been framed in relation to Gilbert: she killed in the war because Gilbert ordered her to, and she became an Auto Memories Doll because she wanted to understand Gilbert’s enigmatic “I love you”. Now, however, her motivation is purely her own—she fights, simply because she doesn’t want anyone else to die. It’s a line implies an intimate knowledge of loss. It’s a sentiment motivated by compassion. It’s a raw and extraordinarily human thing to say.

When Violet embarks on her journey to decipher Gilbert’s love, she is devoid of many traits we consider inherent and possibly even unique to being human—suffering, compassion, altruism, love, agency, and the interplay between them. As an Auto Memories Doll, she learns to live, experiencing all these emotions she had never had the luxury to experience before, and we quickly realize that she cannot know what love is without simultaneously wrestling with her trauma. She learns that yes, sometimes the fire destroys and sometimes it burns, but sometimes it thaws too, and you cannot have one without the other. You cannot choose what the fire does to you; you cannot choose what you want to feel. Thus, to be on fire is to know the anguish of its destruction, but it is also, and more importantly, to know the catharsis of human connection, to be the warm flame that pulls someone else out of the dark, to be pulled out of the dark yourself. To be on fire is to be human.

[council-of-readers]

Back Into Annihilation

Chapter one has been beta read and is ready for upload! Here it is, folks. You can also follow it on Ao3, if you're so inclined!

Tags: slow burn, crossover, enemies to lovers, mutual pining, eventual smut

Work rating: M

This chapter: T

Description: Centuries after they last spoke, Spike comes across an old, begrudging ally, and former feelings start to bubble to the surface once more.

Spike lifted the cup to his lips and grimaced at the taste. It tasted absolutely horrid, but it did the job. He almost respected the humans who drank it regularly. Luckily, he'd be off this moon within the week. He couldn't stomach staying for a second longer than he had to. His work brought him to all sorts of barren worlds, and life on the border planets wasn't unfamiliar to him. Truthfully, it suited his tastes. It was a pity their alcohol tasted so foul. Otherwise, he would spend more time among them.

Being planet-side out here was much preferable to the core. He fit in better with the locals. In terms of look, anyhow. He was less likely to be bothered. Even less so if he was on a job. Most knew better than to barrage strangers with questions. Plenty of them had reasons for being here that were less than palatable. It was safer if you didn't know. Keeping your head down, focusing on your work, and moving on. That was life out here. It suited him just fine.

People always had too many questions for his taste. Too many inane ones, that is. He didn't mind questions. Small talk didn't even bother him too much. It was always the same, though. People would always ask the same, repetitive, invasive, uninspired questions, and he was expected to respond politely each and every time. It grew old, as did he. That's why the border planets were preferable. Of course, every town, every moon, every planet had its problems, but they were petty. They rarely ever affected him as a visitor, and if they did, he could handle himself well. For the vast majority of his years visiting these worlds, he'd been able to go in, do his work, and leave unbothered.

On the core, however, that wasn't really an option. Their technology was invasive, to say the least, and he wasn't able to even walk into a shop without being clocked. He was followed by discreet, or so they liked to think, undercover feds wherever he went. In addition to this, their culture was utterly alien to him. No, he didn't get humans. He hadn't in a long time. He was convinced, though, that these people, the ones that chose core life, weren't fully human themselves. They seemed almost robotic. Unfeeling, pristine, and impenetrable. He hated them. At least the people on the edge, as detached as he felt from them, understood his way of life. Understood his choice to work instead of layabout. They didn't care if your clothing was dirty. They cared if it wasn't. He'd choose their company over the elite any day.

The gap between humans and vampires, he found, had become too wide to bridge easily. Spike found himself exhausted by conversation, convention, and companionship. Vampires had long ago integrated into human society, almost seamlessly since interstellar travel made them almost immune to death by sunlight. There hadn't been much study put into it. The conclusion most folk arrived at was simply that the only sun that affected you was the one you were sired under. A vampire could travel without worry, provided they had a good idea of where they were going, and when they'd be arriving.

Still, though. While they walked side by side, the cultural gap was vast. Vampires had become secluded and insular, far more so than on Earth-That-Was. They no longer needed to hunt, and so they no longer needed humans. Besides, hostility towards vampires had never really cooled. Vampire on human attacks were rare, but they happened frequently enough that most humans felt uneasy around them. This was fine by him. He much preferred to be left to his own devices. To their credit, though, they did put on a good show.

A drunken man slammed into the bar beside him. He let out a string of slurred curses before readying his fists and heading back into the fray. Not long ago, Spike would have revelled in the violence and wasted no time in throwing himself amongst them. Now, he was content simply drinking and listening. Humans never ceased to entertain.

He wasn't quite sure what had gotten them so riled up, but he didn't much care. He didn't bother to pay attention to these things. It didn't concern him. The sounds of fighting grew louder behind him, the noise beginning to get on his nerves. Some of them were there simply to drink and forget. It was plain disrespectful to start a bar fight and get the entire bar involved. Well, most of it, anyhow. Spike and a few other lone gentlemen did their best to ignore the ruckus. What had become of him, truly? He hadn't grown soft. Just tired. Tired and bored.

It had been ages since he'd had a good brawl. Vampires strength grew with age and experience, and Spike actively trained to this day. He had won the majority of fights he got into, and the ones he didn't weren't fair nor fun to start with. Long gone were the days he could get away with tossing someone through a holographic window, much like the rowdy bunch behind him had just done. Vampires had some fairly strict laws on them considering hurting humans. Not to mention that the law wasn't afraid of averting their eyes to any vigilante justice. It was better for him to keep to his own.

The angry men poured out of the bar, likely in pursuit of the poor sods they'd tossed out of it. Again, though, he didn't give their reasoning much thought. So long as it was quiet again.

He turned his attention back on his drink. It truly tasted horrible, but it was better than nothing. He decided he'd leave after he finished it. No point staying here longer than he had to, and he preferred to be back before dusk.

It had been a while since he'd done anything but drink alone. Of course, he could find company if that's what he desired. It just wasn't a priority anymore. He had grown accustomed to his own company. It never bothered him much in the past. Being alone, that is. Especially if it was by choice. And it was.

Spike took another swig, downing more than he probably should have. He grimaced at the taste. He'd been lost in his train of thought and had forgotten the unpleasant taste of the liquid in front of him.

Sure, he felt lonely sometimes. If it ever got unbearable, he'd find someone to fill the void for a bit. He'd make a few friends, if they could be called that, and then they'd move on. Or he would. That was alright by him. They didn't have to stay, and neither did he. Everyone served a purpose, and when theirs was done, he let them go. That's what you do.

He'd been here for far too long. Nostalgia was creeping in. It was never pleasant. The past was fun, but it stays in the past. There wasn't any point in fixating on what was. On what should have been.

The barkeep offered to fill his glass. Spike declined and tossed him the platinum he was owed. He stood up, much too sober for his liking, and shuffled out of the bar. The sound of roaring ship engines filled the air behind him. Likely some of the drunkard's allies coming to the rescue. The voice that spilled out of the boat's speakers confirmed his suspicions. The fight must have been more loaded than he'd guessed. Might have been worth the risk to get involved after all. It was too late now, though.

He fished a pack of cigarettes out from his pocket. A vice he still carried with him. With how technology had advanced over the last few centuries, he'd been able to keep up his smoking habit and avoid his teeth yellowing as a result. That was something he was grateful for. Spike hated to think about giving it up. Especially now. At least lighting up gave him something to do. It could fill small portions of his time; time that would otherwise be empty. It added up after a while, and his little ritual became a solace of his. He'd get drunk, smoke, sleep, and maybe invite someone to join him for the night. That was a rarer occurrence than he liked to pretend. He was disinterested in most of vampires, humans, and demons the verse had to offer. His standards weren't high. Spike had his fill long ago. Sex passed the time, but he didn't crave it like he once had.

Still. If he happened to spot someone that caught his fancy, he wasn't above flashing a grin and charming them into his bed. His looks were classic enough that he could have almost anyone he wanted. Provided he put in the effort. It rarely took much, but even the little he did have to exert wasn't worth the reward. Spike was old, not old fashioned. He wasn't above staring at the pretty girls that hung out in alleys, or the lovely shop keepers. He'd even sprung for a companion once. Likely, though, he wouldn't do it again. Not quite to his taste. If it was fully lacking in romance, he preferred his tumbles to have an edge to them. Companions couldn't provide that for him. He did leave a sizable tip for their time, though. The experience wasn't unpleasant, and he felt generous that day.

His mind was wandering. The alcohol in his system wasn't helping this issue. If he wasn't careful, his drifting eyes might cause him a spot of trouble, especially considering the part of town he was travelling through. He wasn't sure how he ended up around here. Nostalgia was a powerful drug. It wasn't his fault that his mind was stagnating in the past. Though, he couldn't fully blame it on the drink, either.

It wasn't important.

He scowled subconsciously and took a drag off his cigarette. When did he light it? His brain was foggy. He needed to get home. For last week or so, home had been a rented room out of a farmhouse. He lived on a ranch himself, back on Clarus, so it wasn't the worst adjustment he'd ever made for a job.

It was well paying, but unbearably dull. He was tasked with protecting a family of three from the goons of a man they owed. They'd had to chase off five of his men the night before Spike arrived, and significant damage had been done to the house. The family mutt was injured in the tussle, as well. Once word got out, though, that they'd brought in hired help, his lackeys hadn't made a move.

Cowards, the lot of them.

It did make him grin a bit. His reputation preceded him.

He'd built a name for himself over the last 50 years or so as muscle for hire. Work at his ranch was never dull, especially given what he raised, but it was nice to get out and stretch his legs. Though, as evidenced by his earlier reaction, when most folks heard a vampire was on the job, they tended to stay away. Better for them, and worse for him.

The quiet life had never been one that called to him. White picket fence suburbia had long ago died off, but it's memory remained. A nice yard, good money, 2.5 kids, the works. Something about that way of living kept calling humans to it, and he couldn't quite understand why. Living in one place, surrounded by the same people, year in and year out seemed like Hell to him. It was part of the reason he started taking on these side jobs. The monotony of farm life took its toll, especially so when you hired help. Things were boring enough when he ran the place. Now that he had no hand in the work, he needed to find jobs to occupy his time. His own sanity was at stake. The extra cash flow didn't hurt things much, either.

It's not like he was completely broke, but he was always just a few bad years away from complete desolation. Most were, especially if you didn't stay on the central planets.

It was barely noon, and he was a few miles out. If he hurried and kept his head down, he could make it there by mid-afternoon. If luck was on his side, he could rest his eyes for a while before his shift started. The thought brought him a bit of peace. Rest was just what he needed.

Spike looked around to orient himself. The street signs were blurred a bit, but he could make them out well enough. Fortunately, he had gotten on the right path back to the ranch, despite not putting much thought into where he was going. He made a note to bring his horse into town with him next time, if only to make the trek back a little easier on him.

The fight from earlier weighed on him more than he thought it would. Namely, his apathy towards it. There was a time where he'd revel in the chance to let loose. He'd grown soft in his age. Ranch life, coupled with a lack of opportunity, had lead him to shy away from a fight. Because, what? He was afraid of the consequences with the law? It had been a while since he'd been confronted with a chance to get roughed up, something he previously enjoyed, and he made a silent promise to himself that he wouldn't let the next one slip through his fingers.

Hopefully this shift wouldn't be as dull as the last one. He really needed an excuse to hit something.