#why do i do this to myself [sounds of crying]

[theysaidhush]

Dear Christopher,

-> Pairing: Ex!Bang Chan x Reader

-> You write a letter to Chan one year after he breaks up with you, asking questions you wish you had answers to before he left.

-> heavy angst, bit of smut

I thought love was everything I needed. You said it was everything we needed. I believed it. Truly did. Because even if everyone likes you, even if I am everyone, everyone is not me. They don't get to see you when waking up, they don't get to touch your face like I wish I did, don't get to hold your hand or look into your eyes when we were dinning - that, I wish I did too. I'm just realizing that I might as well be just everyone, don't you think so too?

"I will love you, to the moon and back."

Was your trip to the moon too short that it did not last long? Was trying to reach out for the stars too tiring? It wasn't even what I asked for...

I met you on a sunny day, remember? I bet you do, because as much as I want you not to, so I can blame you, I know you do. You're just like that, so perfect that it's actually hard for me to write this letter. I want to point at your flaws and scream and screech at that blank, virgin piece of paper. But I can't. It holds too much meaning to me. I still have it. Why do I still have it? Ah, seriously...

So yeah, we met on a sunny day. I think it was holidays? At least for you. Those are rare aren't they? You were nobody, walking down the street. No holy glow, no charming or alluring walk. Just you, your cap and your way too baggy black clothes. I wasn't sucked it, did not look twice at that strange man covered like a person would if walking in Netherlands. And you came to me and told me a weird pick up line with that accent of yours that made me think about what you said twice just because I couldn't comprehend it. I wouldn't have answered if it wasn't for your giggle. You were giggling. Giggling for God's sake. What man giggles in 2022? But you sucked me in, just like that. With those charming dimples. Suddenly, the ocean wasn't enough to quench my thirst, no weight was heavy enough to hold me down and no colors was enough to paint you and picture you just like you were that day. It was so overwhelming I wish I hadn't met you, that day. I was a blushing mess (I still am when recalling that scene), my hands were sweaty and I was feeling dizzy. How dare you sounding so pretty? Because yeah, you made me realize that a sound could be pretty too. I fell in love for the first time in my life. I fell when I met you.

We met later. You were late. I did not think much about it. I am not one to care for those kind of things. Still am. How could I known it was a telltale sign? How would I known? You asked me questions about myself. You were the first to actually make me feel like an interesting person. Is it fool? I don't know. But I loved telling you about my life. You always hear, you always listen. I love that about you. I could have told you about how I saw an ant carrying another ant, how funny I thought it was, and you could have laughed like you were here to witness it, like it was actually funny. I could have told you about this really sad movie that I watched a few days prior and you could have scrunched your face and furrow your eyebrows as if you were trying not to cry. I could have told you about that stain on my table that I just can't clean and your fingers would have itched to do it for me. I fell in love a second time. I fell when I got to know you.

And then you left. I appreciated spending time with you. I appreciated the way you asked me if you could hold my hand. Just by that I could tell that your mother was a lovely and respectable person. I appreciated the way you were always trying to find something to do. I did not care about that suffocating thing covering half your face.

"I wanna see you do plenty of things so that I can know what you like and what you doesn't. I wanna get to know you when you are surprised, sad, happy, delighted. I wanna fell in love with every facet of your personality." you said. Was what you found not attractive enough? Was it not enough to keep you entertained, Chan?

Then you told me you had to leave. I hoped it wasn't just a summer fling. But you asked for my number, and we talked even after you left. Even in my sleep I was thrilled about waking up and reading your text in the morning, can you believe that? Who gave you the right to take my heart hostage and to care for it? Your texts were sweet, your voice in our weekly phone calls sweeter. And those pictures of landscapes even more. Got me thinking about how I wanted to be by your side. How I wanted to watch this sunset with you, how I wanted to hold your hand and kiss you until I can't breathe.

We never kissed. I regret that. I despise that. But maybe it is because we weren't meant to. And yet, in the darkest of night I was thinking about how I wanted to be next to you. How I wanted some warmth, some love. How I wanted to trace your body with my tongue. How I wanted to hold your hands while I'm making love to you. For the first time in my life I was horny. I wanted you to fill me up, to caress and to touch. I wanted to feel your fingertips on my body, to feel you fingers in my private part, to hear your whispers in my ears as you are delicately rocking my body. For the first time in my life I was a stranger in my own body. Touching and trying to please myself just like you would do if you were there. How funny, I'm sounding like a perv.

But you slowly started to disappear. Photos getting blurry. Texts getting shorter. Phone calls getting rare. Affection being yearned for.

And then you told me that you could no longer be with me. And that's when I fell in love for the third time. I fell because I realized how our one year relationship meant to me. You took everything with you. After that, the sun rays were burning flames, the smell of coffee was suffocating, the laughs of people was defeating, my thoughts were deadly.

You got me thinking about me. About I could would have be if I never met you. A happier version of myself. Confident and proud. But instead, you got me thinking about what was wrong about me. Was I not enough? Were my quirks and habits too weird? Was my voice and my laugh repulsing? Was my body disgusting? You got me dreading looking at my reflection, you got me dreading meeting new people. What if they didn't like me? What if I was not interesting enough? What if I was too loud? too obnoxious? too silent? too shy? too quiet? to weird? too ugly? too clingy? too distant? too mean? too nice? What if I was me? What if they didn't like me?

And I hate myself for saying this, because this is not all your fault. I was insecure before meeting you. But you gave me a taste of self-confidence, and it was like drug, addicting. But it was a you thing. The way you made me feel like we were on top of the world. You took it with you. I don't know how to go back to my old self.

I hope that one day I will heal feel again. But for the moment I will try.

It's been a year now. I still love you. I'll never love someone like I loved you. But you'll never love me like you love music. And I respect that. I only found out a few months after our break up that you were a world wide star. Mask and cap be damned, your voice is one that I can't forget. I think I understand now. Why you left. And again, I respect that.

I love you. We could have talked about it

I love you. If only you had told me

I love you. I'm sorry you didn't feel loved enough to tell me about your job

I love you, I wish you just told me why you left

I'm sorry. I should have try harder.

But maybe I was just that. Maybe I was just everybody. I'll try to forget because I genuinely wants to see you happy. Maybe one day I'll thank you for helping me growing up as a person. Maybe one day I'll tell about my first love to my friends. Maybe one day I'll write you another letter and write:

"And one day, your name didn't make me smile anymore."

To Bang Christopher Chan

From A Baby-Stray Stay

[mcflymemes]

BULLET TRAIN (2022) PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue from the film, adjust as necessary

if you mention thomas the tank engine one more time, i'm gonna shoot you in the fucking face.

would you describe me as someone who lives in perpetual anxiety?

well, you also have a shoot-able face.

you never know what horrible fate your bad luck has saved you from.

thank you for taking the job on such short notice.

you are getting the new and improved me.

i'm less reactive to situations, i'm more accepting of people's shortcomings.

you put peace out in the world, you get peace back.

i'm not even trying to kill people and someone dies.

i could live here. i like the atmosphere, the people are considerate.

i know i'm being judgmental. i need to work on that.

this train is bound for kyoto.

i'm gonna assume you didn't take the gun?

you know, i'm thinking of starting my own agency.

what am i snatching and/or grabbing?

shit, i think i dropped my ticket.

you're bleeding.

who the fuck did i kill?

i think they'll notice the childish code names first.

when was the last time you ate a lemon meringue pie?

there's always a catch.

you idiots work for my father?

you ever watch thomas the tank engine? everything i learned about people i learned from thomas.

i want to strangle you now.

why do you always bring swords?

that wasn't our fault.

hey, listen, i'm just gonna get off at the next stop.

where's the briefcase?

he doesn't need a reason to kill people like you.

you're going to want to hear the whole story, or you'll be very, very sorry.

why do i even bother forwarding you the briefings?

no one really knows the truth.

we are... fucked.

find me the son of a bitch who did this.

can we just take a time out here? talk this out?

why does that sound so familiar?

the guy who stabbed me. i spilled wine on his suit.

one of them is walking towards me right now.

why are we whispering?

your orders were to stay on the train.

can i please do my job now?

shove that fucking hat up your fucking asshole.

there's a gun underneath this table pointed right at you.

i'm just fucking with you.

real quick... every day is a fucking headache with you, innit?

you're alive, i'm alive, everyone's happy.

i just want to get off this train, go see a zen garden and some shit, you know?

there's another body here.

this guy's like criss fucking angel. he pops up everywhere.

unlike you, i'm a professional.

you shoot first and come up with the answers later.

are you hiding in a bathroom?

i knew my luck would rub off on you.

you're really proud of yourself, aren't you?

for what it's worth, you seem like a right fucking asshole and i'm glad you're gonna fucking die with me.

you proved you're smarter than everyone.

am i dreaming?

i don't know how to use a gun.

i'm glad you enjoyed the performance.

i'm mansplaining. i'm mansplaining again.

you want a blanket? you want me to hold your hand?

you have been lying to me, my friend.

i never forget a face.

i'm so happy to see you. please help me.

make sure you do something that brings you peace, 'cause everything else is a pain in the ass.

fate for me is just another word for bad luck.

why are you motherfuckers using metaphors?

i'm gonna buy us some time.

i built myself up from the nothing you gave me.

i came here to kill you.

oh shit. something's happening.

i'm sorry i shot you twice.

we're almost there. you just need to get up.

what's happening to your face? are you crying?

[lionlena]

Together in happiness and depression… (no outbreak!JoelMillerxreader) one shot

Partially inspired by the Joel bot I created, partially by what I feel right now.

Summary: Joel is there for you as you go through another episode of depression.

Warnings: depression, disturbing thoughts, anxiety, low self-esteem, self-degradation, sadness, fears, hurt/comfort

Together in happiness and depression

Now I'm slowly sinking, caving, try to fight it

but I can't breathe

Chest is heavy, hands are numb,

I'm tired but I can't sleep

Choking on my own pride my tongue is tied and now

I find myself reaching out for help

I could really use your help right now

You were lying on the couch and staring blankly at the TV. It didn't really matter what you were watching. It doesn't matter if it was an action movie or a documentary about a desert spider. Everything looked the same to you anyway. Your mind was empty and full of thoughts at the same time. When you heard the sound of the door opening and heavy footsteps, your heart trembled. You suddenly realize how much time you had wasted just lying on the couch. Unless Joel came back early, but you knew that was unlikely. You wanted to get up and greet him with a happy smile and a warm dinner, but... You were a failure. At least that's how you felt.

Joel walked over to you and knelt down next to the couch. His large, warm hand rested on your shoulder. This wasn't the first episode of depression you two had gone through together, so he wasn't surprised by your condition.

"Hey, baby girl." He said it so gently and softly that it almost didn't sound like his own voice. "How do you feel?"

You just shrugged because you couldn't find the answer to this question. You just felt empty. Joel simply nodded, trying to understand you.

"Have you eaten anything today?"

His question made you realize that no, you hadn't eaten anything, but you weren't hungry either. But what stuck out to you was that he must have been hungry too, and you had failed him.

"I'm sorry…" You croaked, tears immediately forming in your eyes.

Joel couldn't bear your pain any longer. He pulled you into a sitting position, sitting next to you and pulling you into his strong chest. You buried your face in his shirt and cried.

"Shhh, shhh, I'm here. You hear me, I won't leave you."

You squeezed him tighter and began to blurt out everything.

"I'm sorry... I'm a failure... I can't do anything. Why do you care about me? I'm no good for anything..."

Joel sighed softly and hugged you even tighter. You didn't realize how much what you said hurt him.

"Don't say that. Don't. Don't you dare say that." There was desperation in his voice. "I don't know why you doubt yourself. To me, you are the most valuable person in the world. You don't have to be good at anything. Just let me take care of you when you feel like this."

You wanted his words to bring you comfort, but you couldn't stop all the destructive thoughts in your head and you started crying.

"I don't know... I just... feel so... Not feminine enough... All these tradwives on TikTok... They look so perfect, they take care of the house and the kids... and I... sometimes I have trouble washing the dishes... I feel I felt so numb and tired..."

Joel started stroking your hair and gently kissed your temple. Seeing you like this broke his heart. When he saw you so full of doubt and so vulnerable, he wanted to do everything for you. He wanted to show how much he loved you and that you had nothing to worry about because to him you were perfect.

"Y/n…" He placed his lips next to your ear. "Hey, they're not you. I don't want these TikTok tradwives. I want YOU. With all your imperfections and charms. I don't care if you wash the dishes late or don't do it at all. I don't care if my dinner is not ready. I love you too much to pay attention to it. Believe that you are enough for me just as you are."

You closed your eyes for a moment and kissed his neck. You wanted to show him at least a little affection for everything he did for you.

"I don't deserve you..."

"Shhh... Shhh…" Joel took your head in his hands and kissed your forehead. "Don't say that. I don't tolerate such nonsense. I'm telling you, I love you too much."

You took a deep breath and pushed your nose into his neck again. You didn't care that he came home from work dirty and sweaty, his masculine scent slowly calmed you down and soothed your nerves. Even though you knew your improvement was temporary, you wanted to enjoy it.

You sat together in silence for a few minutes. Joel stroked your hair and kissed your head. When he sensed that you were calmer, he gently pushed you away from him.

"Lay down, honey, and I'll quickly prepare dinner. After all, we both need to eat something."

You had neither the strength nor the desire to argue with him. You also didn't want to tell him that you still weren't really hungry. You knew Joel was desperate to take care of you and get you better. So you forced a small smile and nodded.

"Okay."

Joel stood up and kissed your head one more time before going to the kitchen. Fifteen minutes later, the delicious smell of fried chicken and mashed potatoes could be smelled from the kitchen. Joel hummed softly to himself as he worked quickly and efficiently. He finally emerged from the kitchen with two plates of food. He placed the plates on the coffee table and returned to the kitchen to get the wine. He opened the wine and returned to you. He sat down on the couch, and when you got up and sat next to him, he gave you a warm smile.

"I hope you're hungry. I made you some fried chicken and mashed potatoes. I also brought some wine. Let's watch something, drink some wine, and eat together..."

You looked nostalgically at everything he had prepared. You tried to suppress the guilt you felt and the malicious voices in your head. A small smile appeared on your lips. No matter how depressed you were, Joel's care and attention created a pleasant, fleeting warmth.

"Thank you, babe."

Joel felt proud that his actions had not been in vain. He kissed your cheek, poured two glasses of wine, and handed you one. He sat down close to you so that your shoulders were touching. He turned on the TV and selected a random action movie.

You didn't want to worry him and started eating dinner. After a few bites, the knot in your stomach began to loosen and you realized that you were hungry after all. Joel didn't say anything, but he was happy to see that you enjoyed the food and wine.

When you finished eating, he didn't even bother taking the plates to the sink. He didn't want to leave you. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you to him, looking at you with love. For the next half hour, you tried to focus on the warmth radiating from his body and the movie he had selected, but your disturbing thoughts always tended to attack you by surprise when you thought you had already achieved mental balance.

You looked at Joel and saw the tiredness on his face. Was he just tired from work or... Depressing thoughts flooded your mind again. Your eyes filled with tears and before you could stop them, they were already rolling down your cheek.

Joel was about to ask you if you needed anything, but he felt your mood suddenly change. He looked at you worriedly and grabbed your hand. He looked you straight in the eye and used that incredibly gentle voice again.

"What happened, sweetie? What changed your mood? You know you can tell me anything."

You shrugged and took a shaky breath.

"I don't know… Sometimes I can't explain it. It's so stupid and frustrating... You did all this for me... Dinner, wine, and I... I have these thoughts again... That I'm just not worthy of this all and one day you'll be tired with it... with my depression..."

Joel gently took your hands and kept his eyes on you. His brown eyes were filled with love and compassion

"You have to fight these thoughts, honey. These are false and stupid thoughts. I can promise you one thing. I will never get tired of you and your depression will never be too much for me. Understand me? I will be with you when you are happy, and I will be with you when depression comes and does not go away for months. I will do everything to help you and get you out of this hole."

You nodded and wiped your tears. You rested your head on his shoulder and sighed. You wanted to tell him so much how much you loved him and how grateful you were to him, but you couldn't find the words. So you just squeezed his hand, hoping he would understand.

Joel smiled as he felt you squeeze his hand and he kissed your head gently. He pulled you into his lap and wrapped his arms tightly around you. The feeling of your warm body so close to him and the feeling that you opened up to him and loved him was all he needed.

He kissed your head again and said softly.

"I love you. Please don't ever doubt it. Don't give in to bad thoughts.”

You calmed down a bit and replied:

"I love you too."

You rested your entire body on his chest and closed your eyes. His calm breathing was so comforting to you.

"Sleep, my love... Or cry... Or be silent. It doesn't matter, as long as you are close to me, I will be everything you need and you can be sure that your depression will not defeat me and one day I will put a wedding ring on your finger."

He began humming softly and rocking you in his arms, and you sank into this warm, safe bubble of love he was creating for you. And even though you still struggled with your depression, you were sure that as long as you had Joel, you would never fight alone.

Help, I could really use your help right now

Falling under and I don't know how

Help, I could really use your help right now

Fight or flight, I feel I don't know how

To stand on my own or which way to go

*Anna Clendening - Help

I love these days when nothing bad happens but I just feel depressed and all I want to do is cry and sleep. And I'm frustrated because I can't logically explain why I feel this way. Why does my mind suddenly decide to turn off all positive thoughts and feelings 🥺

I need Joel or Marcus... Or Oberyn... Javier...

Pernament tag list: @harriedandharassed

[lovelynim]

Another round

Honkai: Star Rail - Caelus x Luka

A/N: Happy birthday, Elian!!! ( @eliankrios ) I know what I said about to making you a gift, but I just couldn't stop myself. I wanted to come up with something different for you as I know you're getting plenty of genshin boys... so, I hope you like this, ehe ~

Summary: Caelus vs. Luka - Round 1 - Fight!!

Word count: 1207 words

“Please, please, please, please, pleaaase!!”

Caelus took a step back, reaching the wall behind him and getting himself cornered once for all. He looked at Luka, meeting his puppy-like eyes, filled with excitement and expectations. It would be much, much easier if Luka was simply requesting a regular date - or even for some borrowed money like a certain tall, blue-haired guy.

Luka’s plans, however, didn’t go in that direction. He wanted something else.

“I-I don’t know, I don’t really want to fight you…” Caelus muttered, looking away as it was too hard to say no to those eyes staring deep into his soul.

As expected, as soon as those words reached the redheaded, Luka’s excited, beaming smile turned into a gloomy frown. The fiery posture was soon replaced by slumped shoulders and a tilted head. 

Damn it.

“W-why not?” Luka pouted and Caelus could swear he was about to cry at that moment. 

“I, ahm, I don’t want you to get hurt and-”

“You… think I’m not strong enough? You don’t want to fight me because I’m too weak, Caelus?”

Caelus’s jaw dropped, that was totally not what he meant! “N-no! I mean, w-we will end up hurt and I don’t want that to happen!”

“B-but then we can ask Nat to patch us up!” Luka insisted, holding Caelus’s hands as he took a step forward, standing barely inches away from him. “Just one fight! I won’t bother you ever again!”

Caelus sighed, getting in a fight just to ask for medical treatment later? Not only Natasha, but maybe the whole Astral Express crew would scold him if he did that. Besides… “d-don’t you have plenty of fights? Can’t we… do something else?”

“But you’re the strongest! Belobog’s hero! The savior from outer space!” Luka whined, frowning slightly as he noticed Caelus was probably trying to shift the topic and, consequently, refuse his request. “No one would fight like you! …well, maybe Seele, but- t-that’s not important!”

“Sigh, do you want to punch me that badly?” Caelus joked, already feeling hopeless about changing the other’s mind. Maybe he should’ve listened to Himeko and thought twice before flirting with people he recently met…

Much to his surprise, Luka nodded to that question, grinning with sheer, unstoppable hype. “And then you punch me back! Like in a fight, hehe.”

This wasn’t going to do it, Caelus thought. There was no way Luka would let him go without a proper fight, but fighting him sounded so painful, for both of them. Besides, he didn’t really get the idea of fighting someone you liked. 

That was when an idea popped up in Caelus head. There was, indeed, a way to fight Luka without harming him.

Without much room to think twice before putting his plan into practice, Caelus pulled his hands out of Luka’s grip and switched places with him, pinning Luka against the wall. “Fine,” Caelus sighed, a serious, cold expression taking place in his face, “let’s fight, then.”

“R-really?” Luka smiled in a way that made Caelus almost go back on his word - almost being the key word here. “Then, I will go ask for them to put our names next in the ring’s list and-”

“No need to,” Caelus interrupted, closing his fingers around Luka’s regular wrist and pulling it, pinning it on the wall above his head.

“C-Caelus? What do you-”

“I’m fighting you right here and now.”

Luka blushed, half because of how close Caelus was to him, half because of how cool he sounded saying that. So manly, so fierce, so powerful. Aeons, his heart was racing as fast as the gears of his prosthetic arm. “W-wohoah,” Luka gasped, trying to free his pinned hand, “t-then, are we fighting now?”

“Yes,” Caelus smirked, “we are.”

Before Luka could make some sense of Caelus’s nonsense, the redheaded squealed seconds after Caelus moved his free hand.

While fighting people, Luka was used to feeling pain. Punches, kicking, headbutts, cuts, all types of wounds. Of course, that also meant he got used to landing a hit or two - usually that’s all it took him to knock his opponent out - but this was new.

Caelus’s fingers quickly scribbled over his stretched out side, pinching over his waist and prodding at his lower ribs. Each and every touch sent an electric, funny feeling through his nerves, straight to his brain, that made him want to… laugh.

“H-hehey! AhaHAh, w-what ahare- ahAHah, C-Caelus! That tihihickles!” Luka cried out, his metallic hand tugging at Caelus’s clothes, trying to push him away.

Caelus let out a small sigh of relief - Luka was ticklish. He didn’t have enough time to come up with a back up plan in case he wasn’t, but it seemed that luck was on his side tonight. “Whaaat? Are you giving up already? I just started!” Caelus smirked, clawing at Luka’s side.

“I t-thought we wehehere going to f-fihihight!” So why are you tickling me, Luka whined inside his head, biting his lower lip and stiffening his muscles in a vain hope to make Caelus’s fingers feel less tickly.

The confused look on the redhead’s face was priceless. He was trying so bad to not laugh and Caelus was definitely in for that challenge. “We are fighting, but I guess you’re too ticklish to fight back,” he teased, wiggling his fingers against Luka’s side, unable to move his hand further up thanks to the other’s free limb.

It was, indeed, a tough spot for Luka. If he let go of Caelus’s hand, he knew where he was going to get tickled - and if that happened, he was going to lose - but if he didn’t try to fight back, it was a matter of time for his body to give in.

“T-thahat’s- ahaha, n-not fahair!” Luka pressed his eyes shut while a wide grin spread over his lips. He scrunched up his shoulders, looking away as he tried to think up a solution and ignore the ticklish feeling at the same time. “I wahahasn’t reahahady!”

“Excuses, excuses, that's what I'm hearing. You didn’t sound like a sore loser when we met,” Caelus hummed. Seeing his plan working so amazingly rubbed his pride just right, but he knew he couldn’t just stop if he wanted a flawless victory. “Time to finish you, buddy ~”

“C-Cahaelus, wahAHA- AHAhah, n-nOHO!!”

Managing to break free from Luka’s metallic grip, Caelus quickly shot his hand up, tickling that awfully ticklish spot under the redhead’s arm. His reward was no other than Luka’s bright, yet panicked laughter.

“Oho, I think I got you now,” Caelus giggled along, noticing how Luka pressed his back into the wall behind it to now fall, nearly hanging in Caelus’ grip. “Is it bad? Does it tickle a lot? Heheh ~”

“I-it dohOHOhes!! AHAHA!”

“Soo…” Caelus grinned, “do you surrender, champion? Do you admit defeat?”

Those words ringed inside Luka’s head, making butterflies flutter in his stomach. Part of him wanted him to say ‘yes’, make the tickling stop and allow him to catch a break. The other - the stubborn, competitive one… “N-nehEHEHever! AhahAHAH, I c-caHAHahan still fihIHIHight!”

“Tsk,” Caelus clicked his lips, rolling his eyes at the predictable answer, “suit yourself, then, let’s go for another round and see what you really got ~”

[cxsha-lilith]

he broke my heart, so why did i run back?

synopsis: you're biker ex-boyfriend helps you get back home from a party. Do you run back or leave him in the past.

paring: geto suguru x reader

w. fem! reader, biker! geto suguru, fluff, angst, modern AU

i just got back from a late night party and was walking out of the carpark alone when i heard a sudden engine roar. I didn't even bother to look back because i already knew that familiar sound all too well. my ex-boyfriend, Geto sugure

geto drove in-front of me, blocking my path before i could even make the next step. His gaze shifts down to my dead phone. i gave him a glare and he chuckles before flashing his cocky smirk.

"hop on" he says to me, patting his bike.

i didn't have any other options. My phone was dead so i couldnt call my friends to take me home and walking to my house would be a pain. i hopped on the back of the motorcycle.

geto felt his heart skip a few beats when he felt my arms around his waist; holding him tightly. he put his hands over mine and gave him a gentle squeeze before taking off. he felt like he was in paradise as he feels me hugging him from behind. he was always calm around ,e, but he was always shy when it came to his feelings.

he was a huge introvert. He wasn't exactly someone who could hold a conversation. it took him so long to say the big three words to me, and it took him even longer to find the courage to even look into my eyes.

i just hopes he knows that im only holding onto him so that i dont fall. Not because i wanted to. If i had another way to get home then i would use it.

it was quiet during the whole ride. All i could hear was the engine noise and the wind rushing in my ears. i felt the night breeze blowing against my face. His body heat made me comfortable, though it was still cold at night.

when he finally arrived at my house, he turned off his motorcycle and put down the stand, letting me get off his bike. he took off his helmet off and shook his hair a little. It was almost as if he still looks good even after a simple action like this.

i said a quick thank you and hopped off his bike.

he gave a simple smile and a nod in response. He was a man of few words. But as soon as i turned around to walk to my home, he called out to me. I could tell that he really didnt want to part ways, not yet

"Y/N"

he called out my man so suddenly, but it came out softly like honey.

i turned my head. i was shocked that he called me by my first name. he used to call me n/n.

"will you at least sit with for a little, for old times sake?"

he said, He knew he was being selfish. He knew he felt me, but he couldnt help but wonder if he was still the one who made me laugh, smile, cry. He hated how much he missed me and how much he wants to be with me. He felt lonely and cold without me. This is the closest he's been in almost a year.

i thought for a second. Do i really want to sit with him? A man i worked so hard to get over? someone who left me broken and crying in my bed for day on end? before i could think about it, my mouth moved on its own.

"okay"

why would i say that? he left me bent and i had to mold myself back. I promised myself that i wouldnt run back to him.

he let out a silent sigh in relief. He wasnt exactly sure whether i'd say yes or no. To be exact, he wasn't expecting me to said yes. He felt his heart thumping loudly. He gestured to the spot next to him as he patted beside him.

he felt his heart racing again as soon as i sat down next to him. The first time we've had been so close after nearly one year of no contact.

i walked to the spot next to him and started looking at the moon and the stars.

he stares at my side profile for a while. my hair moved in the wind beautifully and he watched me quietly under the dim light from the steetlights. He felt a small smile creep up on his face as he kept admiring my features.

" do you wanna talk or did you want us to sit here in silence"

it didnt matter to him, really. He was more than happy just being next to me. His hand inched closer to mine. the urge to hold my hand was becoming too unbearable. He finally placed his palm on my hand and squeezed it. He knew i would pull away, or snatch my hand away, but he still tried anyways.

i want to pull away, i really did but i couldn't. his hands were just as cold and rough as i imagined them. They matched my soft warm hands.

i was screaming at myself for letting myself get here. Why couldn't i just raincheck this? Why did i have to agree? do i even have it in my to disagree?"

he noticed that i didn't pull my hands away. He took it as a sign. his thumb gently traced small circles on the back of my hand. He tried to keep his cool and act casual, but he knew he was blushing like crazy right now.

"you still remember the first day we met back when we were both in college?"

he asked, trying to start a conversation. His mind couldn't find anything else to talk about, he just knew he wanted to hear my voice.

i nodded my head. How can i forget the day when i met my first love? the first time i laid my eyes on him, i new he was all i wanted.

He smiles when i agreed and the memories of the day came back to the both of us.

the both of us were in the college library. He was working some part time job at the library while i was studying for an upcoming exam. i dropped a bunch of my book all over the floor and he helped to pick them up.

i remember his asking to get lunch together, and the rest was history. Those were the days, when neither of us had a care in the world.

we were together for nearly two years before we broke up. i also remember that day like it was yesterday. I was in our shared apartment, and got a text saying we needed to talk when he got off work. After one hour later, he got off work while i was doing our laundry.

he didn't hug me and he didn't kiss me like he normally did. He sat me down and told me that we needed to breakup. Some girl from his highschool enrolled in our collage and caught his eye. he explained that he didn't hold the same amount of love for me like he loved her.

i guess they were right when they said first loves dont die.

" i also remember the day we broke up"

he held his breath when i mentioned the break up. it was difficult for him, because even though he left me, he still felt like he never stopped loving me. He was devastated knowing that he was the one who put me through it all and ruined me. He didn't deserve my love, and he never will. He let me go because he didn't want to see me hurt

"can i ask you a question?"

[theshotsheardacrossworlds]

Shadow

Amelie saves Rolan from the shadows and then gives him a piece of her mind. SFW.

“Wait, is that Rolan? I thought he had better sense than that.” Gale said with an eyeroll as the group consisting of himself, Amelie, Shadowheart, and Karlach found him surrounded by two shadow-fiends.

Fuck.

What the fuck is wrong with him?

ROLAN, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

It was a smaller battle than the one that just occurred at Last Light, but it still left all but Karlach with almost no spell slots left.

But that was of no consequence to Amelie.

ROLAN!!!

She hurried down the small hill, rushing towards him and Shadowheart. Please let him be okay. Please. Please.

“Gods damn it all. I can do nothing right---not a damn thing.”

“You’re supposed to be at Last Light.” She panted, staring at him like he’s mad because he is. WHAT THE FUCK?!

“I’m supposed to be saving Cal and Lia! Instead, I found myself cornered by shadow-fiends and in need of rescue. From you, of all bloody people.”

Biting back the urge to ask why her “of all bloody people”, she shook her head. “You were trying to help your family---you’re too hard on yourself.”

“Or not enough.”

The acid in his voice made her heart sink a little.

“I’ve failed Cal and Lia, again. Be on your way---I’ll return to Last Light…I know when I’m outmatched.”

Within moments, he was gone.

And Amelie had an urge to return to Last Light to give him a piece of her mind. “Let’s head back and get some more healing potions…then I need a long rest.”

“You and me both.” Gale snarked, stretching his back. “Gods, adventuring is not kind on the back, knees, and hips.”

The women laughed and nicely teased the wizard.

But her mind was preoccupied with another wizard.

***

“You can’t leave me alone, can you?” Rolan spat at Amelie, who after a quick bath and a change of clothes, found him at the bar and sat next to him. The children and most everyone else are in bed, so we’re kind of alone. Alone-ish. “Going to tell me I shouldn’t be drowning my sorrows?”

“I think,” she began carefully as she poured herself some water. “You should stay hydrated after drinking so much alcohol, Rolan.” She then grabbed a second glass and poured him some. “Here you go.”

He slammed the bottle on the counter, startling her. “I don’t need you pitying me. Haven’t you done enough?”

Something inside her snapped.

She turned suddenly and grabbed him by the shoulders to face him towards her. “You listen to me, you arrogant shit. That little stunt you pulled earlier could’ve fucking killed you. We are fucked, Rolan. We are so incredibly fucked, but I need you to stay here and stay safe, because I cannot lose another godsdamned person I lo—” Amelie shut her mouth and felt tears in her eyes. I lost Da. My mentor. One of my best friends. Uncle Ned. This journey has been nothing but death around every corner. Not you too. “I care about. So please, I am begging you, stay here.” She bit back a sob. “Please, Rolan. Please.” Before she knew it, her face was in her hands, her body wracked with sobs.

She did not expect to feel a hand on her head. She also did not expect his other arm to wrap around her thick waist.

“Shh, please don’t cry. I’ll have the bloody water, you damnable woman.” He grumbled, and Amelie could hear the smile in his voice. “I’ll stay, but you must…you must get them back safe and sound, do you understand?”

Nodding, she sniffled as she lifted her head.

She did not expect to see what many would describe as a touching look on his face as he handed her a handkerchief. “Now, dry your tears. A young lady such as yourself shouldn’t be crying over me.”

As she wiped her tears, she stopped for a moment and blinked. “Why?”

The question dumbfounded him. Well and truly. “Why what?”

“Why shouldn’t I cry over you?” She placed the handkerchief on the counter and stared at nothing across the bar. Because you’re wonderful and I like you… “You’ve survived being in the Hells all while keeping Cal and Lia alive and well. You stayed at the Grove, even when you so desperately wanted to leave…all to protect them. Because you stayed, the children are alive. They’re alive, Rolan. Because of you. You even did quite possibly the most stupid thing ever by venturing into the Shadow Curse by yourself because of your love for your siblings.” Turning her head suddenly, she once again faced him, a desperate look on her face. “How could I not cry over a person like that? Of course, I would…and have cried over you.” She offered him a tired smile. “I should go to bed. It’s been a long day, and tomorrow will be even longer.” As Amelie rose from the stool, Rolan also stood, as stiff and awkward as they come. But so adorable. “Goodnight, Rolan.”

He watched her trudge towards the staircase (I was given a room last night at Isobel’s request) and squeezed his eyes shut. “Why is tomorrow going to be long?”

Without looking back at him, she sighed. “Because we’re going to Moonrise Towers tomorrow, and I intend to find and free the prisoners.” She stopped and took a deep breath. “I’ll get them back. I promise.” No matter what. Make sure Shadowheart has Sanctuary prepared.

“I want to believe you,” he said softly. “I need to believe you.”

Amelie, more quickly than he thought considering how tired she was, descended the stairs and hugged him. Yeah, I did it. I needed to do it. And he needed it. So it’s fine. Rolan stood (somehow more awkwardly) but after a minute or two he wrapped his arms around the half-elf. “What does your heart say?” She whispered, holding him gently.

“I-I don’t—”

“Don’t think. What does your heart say, Rolan?”

He finally relaxed and shared in her embrace. “They will be back safe and sound. I trust…I believe in you.”

Never in a thousand years did Rolan expect her lips to briefly touch his cheek before she blushed and went upstairs to her room.

And the next day, some time in the late afternoon, Cal and Lia arrived at Last Light.

After thanking her profusely, his heart leaped at a realization that hit him like the metaphorical ton of bricks as she greeted one of her companions.

He was in love with Lady Amelie Wildheart.

[pothospant]

his default recall is so cool..........

[thebirdandhersong]

we are all trying to reach home and belonging because we were made for something beyond this earth but why does it feel like some people have more access to that feeling right now

[baezdylan]

he tried to talk to me 3 times today and i acted like he wasn't there each time. i am the worst person you know confirmed 💖

[needylittlegirl]

theres a 99% chance we’re gonna move so i have to start packing little things now cause it makes the transition easier but i hate it i dont want to

[izzy-b-hands]

today should be a t break day

bc I'll need it to be more effective in the coming days if we see family, and then I'll have the survey shifts

but since late last night i keep randomly nearly breaking into tears and thinking abt the stupidest shit that needs to stay in the box in my brain

so idk. maybe it will be. it is thus far. but I'm not leaving my room without a container of some edible or another in my pocket either

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: February 17

“DYWTYLM” by Sleep Token

[soryualeksi]

You will be missed so dearly.

It's like a hole has been torn into very structure of the station, and we're all just standing around it reeling from the shock.

It was good to cry with everyone. It was good to put up black ribbons. It will be good to say to curious outside voices, "We are in mourning, please do not badger us."

A man missing forever.

You had the brightest future ahead of you. You would have risen to be one of the greatest. You already were for us.

I will miss you dearly. We weren't personal friends, but we were colleagues, and I will forever cherish every minute I got to work with you. Your dry humour was the highlight of many a day. Your work ethics set an example I want to follow. You lived and breathed medicine, you were loyal, 100% dependable at all times, smart, diligent, literally wise beyond your years - what do you mean, I was a DECADE your senior?? Also the absolute funniest person around, no contest. Driest humour. Wittiest comments.

I wanted to listen to you talk more and I wanted to learn from you more. I can't believe I won't get to.

You were indispensable, and I think that hole in the structure will remain. We'll learn to live with it. With something being blown out in a blast. It's good to clear the rubble together, I think this helps.

I'm crying again.

Rest in peace.

[bo0zey]

when gerard way said “when i grow up i want to be nothing at all” i felt those words in my gdamn soul bro

[skunkg1rll]

the anxiety pills arent even working :c

[heartbreakfeelsogood]