#why i am suddenly in a good mood after being depressed for almost 2 whole weeks is up for the heavens to decide

[love-marimo]

i need to sleep but before i go i hope y'all have/had a lovely day/night ♡

stay lovely, stay sexy, stay safe ♡ ★

[hoshi-u-love-me]

TTT (Part. 2)

Group : Seventeen

Pairing : Seventeen × Reader

Genre : Drabble

Word count : 1.5k

Warning : randomness, fr I had no clue what I was thinking when I wrote this lol

a/n : I wanted to continue my other story (petals pt.3) but like I was in a fluffy-ish mood and like petals is just too depressing lmao (not so depressing but like the ideas I have for it were straight out a whole ass gallon of depresso)

(Pt. 1)

The car ride soon ended and you all filed out of the mini bus to welcome the sight of the villa you all will be occupying for the next 3 days.

Each went to inspect whatever it is that caught their attention first. You and Chan held hands, immediately running to the indoor pool and squealing with excitement. Mingyu walked past you both to unload the groceries you all had bought on the way over, Seokmin and Seungkwan following behind him.

"Ooh, Mingyu," You called, stopping him mid-way to look at you, "you packed my swimsuit, right?"

When the question seem to get processed in his mind, you could've sworn that you saw him blush a bit but nod quickly, almost enthusiastically. "I think it's at the bottom of your bag, I know this place has a pool and since both of you are little tadpoles, I put two and two together and assume you'd want to go for a swim while we're here"

Chan took off his right slipper and kicked the water at Mingyu's direction, not liking being called a tadpole. On the other hand, you just giggled at the scene that's happening in front of you.

Soon both you and Chan decided to investigate the premises further, hands still connected and swinging. You both decided to look at the rooms on the second floor. There were a total of four rooms, three were big enough to fit four people and the last one big enough to fit five people.

Next, you both stopped at the kitchen where Mingyu, Seokmin, and Seungkwan were putting away the groceries. You both inspected the things that you guys bought, giggling at each other and planning on how you guys plan on finishing your portion of the snack throughout the trip.

Slipping past everyone in the kitchen with Chan, you both stopped at the gaming room where there are a couple of arcade games at the corner, a pool table in the middle, and a mini fridge. Jeonghan and Seungcheol were already at the pool while Jun and Minghao was inspecting the arcade games.

You both lingered for a bit, checking in on everyone there before going to the staircase that leads downstairs.

There, you found a whole movie room. A big white screen on one side of the wall, a projector on the ceiling and a computer at the back. There were no chairs there, just a bunch of pillows and a rug.

Both you and Chan slinked to Joshua, Soonyoung, and Vernon who were hunched over the computer. "What'cha doin'?" you called, "Looking for good movies to- Ooh! Frozen!" Soonyoung exclaimed, pointing at the screen where the movie poster appeared. Joshua sighed at him, "If we decided that we're not gonna watch Moana, what makes you think we're gonna watch Frozen?" "uhm, great songs? Awesome graphics? Thrilling story line?" Soonyoung argued.

The two began bickering on why the heck they won't watch Frozen during the trip.

Vernon poked your arm, "you guys wanna get out before Soonyoung hyung start suggesting The Little Mermaid?"

At Vernon's words, Soonyoung clapped his hands, "The Little Mermaid! Thank you, Vernon!" and then a whole new argument started between the two.

With one hand in Chan's, you slip your other in Vernon's and slinked away quietly so neither Joshua nor Soonyoung would realize anything.

The three of you agreed to take a peek at the balcony at the second floor. But when you three were just about to step on the stairs, Seungcheol had called out as he stepped out of the game room.

"Kids, gather here! We're going to decide on our sleeping arrangements!" Seungcheol called. Everyone immediately gathered, putting their bags down and sitting on the floor or on the couch, whichever was available.

"Okay, first thing's first," Seungcheol looked at you and offered a smile, "(Y/N) will be staying with me tonight in whichever room I stay in" he winked.

Unsurprisingly, Jeonghan, Jun, Soonyoung, Mingyu, Seokmin, and Seungkwan boo-ed at him, "That's unfair! You can't get dibs like that!" Soonyoung exclaimed. Seungcheol snapped his head at the younger guy and glared at him, "Like hell I can't, I'm the oldest hence I get the privilege of taking care of our baby and make sure she's safe!" "We've established that (Y/N)'s MY baby so she'll be staying with me" Jeonghan said, scooting closer before wrapping an arm around your shoulder, "Tell him, (Y/N), tell him that you feel much safer with me"

You scrunch your nose at him and offered an awkward smile, "actually... I'd feel much safer with Chan and/or Nonie, I don't trust the rest of you... especially you" Jeonghan faked a dramatic gasp at you and drop to the side against Seokmin,"Rejected, by my own true love, how sad" he moaned in fake agony which made you giggle.

Seungcheol sighed, "come on guys, seriously, we have to pick our rooms" and with that everyone started dividing themselves. In the end there were Joshua, Jun and Chan, then Jeonghan, Wonwoo, Mingyu and Minghao, Seungkwan, Seungcheol, and Vernon teamed up next and lastly Soonyoung, Seokmin and Jihoon (in which Jihoon reluctantly agree because he doesn't want to sleep on the couch alone).

It dawned on you that you're gonna have to make a decision on which room you'd have to choose.

"N-no wait, why can't I just room with Seungkwan, Nonie, and Chan? Y'know, me and the maknaes stick together" you pouted, batting your lashes a little at them in hopes they would falter and agree with you.

In all honesty, your plan was iron clad, because Seokmin, Wonwoo, Mingyu, Minghao, Seungkwan, Chan, Seungcheol, and heck even Jihoon had a look of defeat in their faces.

But sadly Jeonghan shook his head and spoke up first, "nope, it's 13 vs 1, we all picked our roomates so you're gonna have to choose from the available options and not ruin the preexisting team"

Determined to have it your way, you turn to Jeonghan, pout going a teeny tiny bit deeper, you fiddled your fingers in faux innocence, "you think I'm gonna ruin things for you guys?"

For a split second, a VERY quick split second, you could see Jeonghan blushed slightly at your face. You know if you can win him over, you'd be able to have things your way.

Jun smacked your face with a cushion lightly, disturbing the impromptu staring contest you had with Jeonghan, "Nope, sorry princess, that's not gonna work anymore"

You grab the cushion and began hitting Jun with it while glaring at him, "I swear to God Jun, I hate you"

Eventually you give up, you agreed to pick from the options they created. And this is when all hell break lose.

Everyone kept pitching offers to you so that you'd room with them. The pitches varies from giving you snacks, the bed, and even their hoodies.

"Seokmin, stop pitching going on a camping trip, if it doesn't work on any of us, what makes you think it's gonna work on her?" Seungcheol sighed. Seokmin pouted at him, "It's worth a try!"

"(Y/N), if you choose to room with me," Joshua started, earning a cough from Chan and a hard nudge from Jun, "yeah, us, whatever, but if you choose to stay in the same room as me, I'll give you NCT's Mark's number, I go to the same church as him" he said.

That piqued your interest.

Your eyebrows rose at him, eyes widening.

"Really!? For real!? NCT's Mark ???"

"No, not really, but I got your interest and attention, so did it work?"

Instead of answering him, you hurled the cushion you've been holding at his face.

"This is stupid! Why won't any of you just claim me?" You whined.

Realizing what you just said and how it could be implied, you snap your head towards Jun who was already opening his mouth, "and I don't mean that in a sexual way" you cut him off before he could say anything. He laughed a little, raising both of his arms in mock surrender.

Seungkwan spoke up, "no one wants to claim you because no one wants you and your loud snores in their room" he snorted, obviously joking.

You were about to retort something snarky back at him before Vernon suddenly stood up and grab your bag without saying anything to you. But then he turn towards Seungkwan, "Seungcheol hyung and I spoke, we're swapping you with (Y/N)" he smirked before taking off to the stairs, "come on, (Y/N)! I'm letting you pick our room"

Now feeling better due to the fact that you don't have to choose between the boys, you stuck your tongue out at Seungkwan before dashing off to grab Vernon's arm and pick a room.

Seungcheol was quick to react, he immediately grab his own bag and followed after you and Vernon, "guys! Wait!" he squeaked.

The others sighed in defeat, all regretting not doing what Vernon did or not having the courage to just do it. They all grumbled for a bit, poking at each of their roommates for not speaking up quickly or even do anything. But they all eventually give up and proceed to leave the living room to put their things in their rooms.

All the while leaving a confused Seungkwan in the living room.

"W-wait, what does this mean for me? Am I sleeping alone here? Guys? Damn it."

[2996-sana]

Seeking Arrangement - Rosé

Part 1

The pitter patter of the rain served as background noise for Y/N and Lisa who was sat on their couch munching on some cucumbers, eyes glued to the Kdrama playing on the TV. Y/N let out a dramatic sigh as she watches Ko Moonyoung and Moon Gangtae lock lips for the first time. The sound was not lost on her best friend who shot her a grin.

“Are you going all soft again, Y/N?”

Y/N rolled her eyes at the teasing tone in Lisa’s voice. This was not new as she was always on the receiving end of Lisa’s jokes about her being such a hopeless romantic. Though Lisa found this amusing about her best friend, she thinks there is strength in Y/N’s ability to believe in love after the shit her ex-girlfriend Suzy put her through. Could you really blame her? Being in love was without a doubt one of the best feelings in the world in Y/N’s book. For her, it was an overwhelming yet warm feeling that stretches throughout your whole body once it enters your life and leaves you feeling like you’re on top of the world (but its all fun and games until your partner cheats on you).

Despite this though, she was not in a hurry to find love. In fact, after the tragedy that was her last relationship, she just wanted to lie low and have fun for a while.

“Shut up. You’re lucky you’re in a stable relationship,” Y/N scoffs.

Lisa and her girlfriend Jennie have been together for 2 years now (3 years next month) and Y/N envied the love shared between the two.

“Don’t worry, Y/N. No one can resist you for too long,” Lisa tries to reassure her best friend, wrapping an arm around her.

Y/N grimaced, “Eh…I don’t really want anything serious at the moment. Especially after Suzy.”

Lisa pretends to gag at the sound of Y/N’s ex-girlfriend’s name, “I agree. Have fun and take it easy. You should like…I don’t know…find a sugar daddy or something.” They both chuckle at Lisa’s words, knowing she would never even think about it.

•

It was hours later on her bed while typing out a reply to some guy she matched on Tinder that she realizes how hard it was to find a worthy candidate to waste her time on. These boys lacked substance and were coming at her with the same pick-up lines. She wonders if they all got them at the same Fuckboy Convention. It didn’t help that she rarely matched with girls either.

She groans at the reply that came through.

Wyd tho? U tryna fuck?

“The audacity of these boys,” she mutters under her breath, closing the app.

As she stares at her ceiling zoning out, she remembers Lisa’s words from hours ago. A sugar daddy. She laughs at her best friend’s ridiculous idea. She could never.

Unless? No. It’s stupid. She doesn’t wanna give out any sugar AT ALL.

But she was bored out of her mind. For the past 3 months, she has been cooped up in her bed wallowing in self-pity while listening to the very suspicious sounds coming out of Lisa’s room. There were also only so many pep-talks she could give herself until she grew tired of her own words. It was this that fueled her to sit up and turn on her laptop. After all, she considered boredom as an invitation for her to find something that would raise her serotonin levels. And what is the value of life without a little fun? She owed herself the first few months of her breakup to relax and take care of herself after all the mental damage, but now she needed a little play. She needed both the loud and quiet joys of life, peace with a little bit of wild mixed in. It was needed to feed her soul.

She also couldn’t lie that she craved some sort of human connection and validation. Yeah, she definitely was not proud of that last one.

Y/N stared at the keyboard, not believing what she was able to type into Google.

How to find a sugar daddy?

What she found out during her deep dive in the wondrous world of sugar daddies and babies was the number one site to find one was called Seeking Arrangement.  

So that is where she found herself, blinking at the statement written in bold.

100% Free to Join!

To hell with it, she thinks as she begins to fill out the application.

30 minutes later, she nods in approval as she scanned through the photos she chose. She would totally hit herself up if she was a sad middle-aged man desperate for companionship. As she hits submit, she was met with pictures of men – and surprisingly women, although there were considerably more men – complete with their basic information.

Looking for a woman to spoil.

Looking for love.

Looking for a loving companion.

Looking for a good time.

It was nothing she didn’t expect to find at a sugar baby site but it was the net worth of the men and women displayed on her screen that caught her eye. She was almost tempted to message one of them but couldn’t find it in herself to do so. She rolls her eyes at the thought.

She spent hours researching and signing up for a sugar baby website and she still finds herself being stubborn about making the first move.

Glancing at the clock, she realized that it was almost 4AM. She decides that she was going to wait for someone to message her first instead. Besides it gives off the vibe that she’s hard to get and that’s always a little bit sexy, right?

•

"Y/N! Wake up! I made banana pancakes.”

Slowly opening her eyes and stretching, her foot meets a hard surface. The cold metallic feeling on her foot was enough to remind her of her antics 7 hours ago. She hides her face on her hands, sighing. Why did she think that was a good idea?

Once she was out of her room, she was met with the sweet smell of banana pancakes and nutella. She dragged herself to where the smell was most present and found herself in the kitchen where both Lisa and Jennie sat on the counter. Jennie threw a gummy smile her way while her best friend simply nodded at her presence, busy stuffing herself with her girlfriend’s banana pancakes.

“Vas happenin’, love birds?” she greets them with a faux British accent.

“What kind of dollar store Zayn Malik am I hearing right now?” came Lisa’s reply to which Y/N’s response was to smear Nutella all over her best friend’s face.

“Yah, Y/N!” Lisa whines as she hits Y/N on the shoulder.

Y/N gasps as she prepares to retaliate.

“Children! Stop it.” Jennie scolds the two. She was used to the duo’s playful fighting but she also knew it could go on for hours if she doesn’t put a stop to it.

Both were quick to stop but stuck their tongues out at each other.

Y/N grabbed her plate to return to her room. She glanced at the couple making sure they were preoccupied enough not to notice what she was up to.

You have 11 unopened messages!

A loose grin formed on her face at the notification. Not bad. She hurriedly opened her inbox to find the different men who deemed her worthy to reach out to.

It was all pretty tame, it being the typical greeting. She sighed, already bored. It wasn’t until she reached the bottom of her inbox where a small gasp came out of her. She sat up and read the sender’s name.

Rosé Park. A woman.

She excitedly clicked on the woman’s profile.

It only took the woman’s profile picture for Y/N to realize that this Rosé Park was the type of woman she fantasized about. For starters, she was a brunette and the woman was a blonde. She was a sucker for blondes. Who could resist a good brunette and blonde wlw duo?

Santana and Brittany. Rose and Rosie. Clarke and Lexa. Piper and Alex. Need she say more?

Basically, Rosé Park was a dreamboat. Something radiated from her pictures that Y/N knew rendered her irresistible to both men and women. She could outshine any of these men on the site any day. It also only took her profile picture to realize that the woman was a big deal. Her outfit looked straight out of the pages of a fashion magazine. Why would gorgeous and rich 25-year old Rosé Park want to talk to a normal and boring 23-year old like her?

Y/N composed herself, fighting back a smile, before returning to her and Rosé’s chat.

Hi, gorgeous. I passed by your profile and knew I had to talk to you. Looking forward to your response x

Y/N’s blush seared through her cheeks and for a minute she thought her face was on fire. She suddenly felt awkward, demure, and coy; even going as far as attempting to hide her rosy features behind her slim fingers even if no one else was around to see her. She blames it on the fact that an insanely beautiful woman complimented her. So naturally, it took her at least 5 minutes of over-analyzing every possible response for her to actually send one.

Hi there :) You’re one to talk. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on.

To her surprise, three little dots indicating Rosé was typing appeared beside the woman’s picture.

Haha, cute.

Hmm what brings you to this site, Y/N?

The woman’s question made her pause. She doesn’t even know the answer to that. Was she supposed to make some shit up?

Um I was bored.

She facepalms herself as she hit send. Really? Your brain cogs couldn't turn fast enough to come up with a more interesting response, Y/N?

Y/N thought she blew it as 45 minutes has passed and no response from the blonde bombshell came. She internally cursed herself for her boring response to the woman. Rosé probably thought she was an airhead.

•

It was 10PM after binge watching another Kdrama with Jennie and Lisa that she remembered being left on delivered by Rosé. Her mood quickly sours as she realizes she ruined her chance at getting to know the beautiful woman. Thinking to distract herself with the depressing fact, she goes to check if any of the men messaged her back. Sure, a man could never fill the void of a woman but she really needed to talk to another human being besides Lisa and Jennie.

Y/N was apparently in for a surprise because what awaited her was a message from the woman.

Well, I hope to provide some sort of entertainment for you ;)

I’m not one to beat around the bush Y/N. I think you’re stunning and a good lay in bed. That’s a really good source of entertainment for the both of us, no?

Jesus Christ. She was not expecting that.

Y/N knew what being a sugar baby entailed but she was still brought to a shock at how blunt Rosé was being and so early on into the conversation. The thought of being with Rosé like that, being able to feel her skin against hers, the godly sounds that it would elicit…

Her private thoughts made herself blush. It seems like if there was anything Rosé was good at it was making Y/N blush. But her unholy thoughts about the woman didn’t create a cute soft pink tint on her cheek like a healthy outdoors glow, it was beet red. Y/N figured that Rosé was probably highly practiced at the art of seduction. Rosé’s looks although a masterpiece sculpted by all the deities that exist… well, nothing so pretty could possibly harm you, right? But it was that combined with Rosé’s choice of words that had anyone she chose to even focus her attention on jumping through hoops to please her. So, she swallowed her pride and forced herself to play it cool, putting on a mask that she thought would appease the woman she really wanted to impress.

I like the way you think, Rosé. I like to think I make great company in bed too ;) Give me a time and place and I’ll be there.

•

That message was what lead Y/N to the 21st floor of Seoul Forest Trimage Towers, one of Seoul’s most luxurious and exclusive apartment complex, standing outside of Rosé’s penthouse two days later.

All the reasons not to go through with it and just leave came flooding in. Y/N can feel the soft panic growing inside her body as she wills herself to breathe in and out, not quite ready to ring the doorbell just yet. But before she could finish her fourth exhale, the door was opened to reveal the woman who has not left her mind ever since signing up for that damned site.

“I grew tired of watching you hyperventilate so I thought I’d do you a favor and open the door for you.”

Y/N almost choked on air as she looks at Rosé for the first time. The pictures on her profile did not do her justice at all. The woman could have graced every billboard or magazine in the city and she wouldn’t even question it.

Y/N did not say anything - did not know what to say. She was conscious of the smirking woman standing before her, dressed in a white dress that stopped just above her knees.

“Do you wanna come in, Y/N?” Rosé’s voice was dripping with amusement, eyebrows raised. Shyness wasn’t usually Y/N’s gig so what the hell was going on?

“Yeah, sure.”

Once she entered the threshold that Rosé called home, she immediately noticed how fancy and expensive everything was. She was immediately drawn to the large window overlooking the whole city. The glass was so clear that it looked like a high definition screen at the movie theatre.

Rosé quickly picked up on her fascination, grabbing hold of Y/N’s hand and leading her to the glass window. “Cool, huh? I picked this unit because of the view. The city below is so far away it's like another world. This penthouse is my cocoon and the window, well, the window shows me as much detail as I want to know.”

Y/N could only stare at their joined hands and then to the woman beside her, intoxicated by her words. “It’s beautiful, Rosé. I’d kill to wake up to this every way. You have great taste.”

“Yeah I do have great taste huh?” Rosé looked her up and down, biting her lip before chuckling. (Y/N swears she saw the gates of heaven open at the sound)  

•

A few hours later after a candle lit dinner prepared by Rosé herself and a bottle of wine, Y/N finds herself straddled in the living room couch being kissed roughly on the neck as pure pleasure runs through her entire body.

“Fuck,” she pants as she feels Rosé grind on her. Unable to control herself anymore, Y/N holds Rosé’s head in her hands and pulls her into a fiery and passionate kiss.

“Someone couldn’t wait,” Rosé smiled against their lips.

With a laugh, Y/N pushed Rosé down on the couch, switching their positions, not breaking the kiss. Y/N’s hands slowly work their way around her body, tugging on Rosé’s dress.

“Off.”

Rosé sat up slightly, allowing Y/N to pull down the zipper of her dress, feeling skilled fingers unhook her bra. Rosé tears it off herself before reattaching their lips. Immediately, Y/N’s hands found itself on Rosé’s breasts as she tugged on her nipples.

Rosé gasps against her lips causing Y/N to pull away, making her way down and sucking on the skin surrounding Rosé’s breasts before soothing it out with her tongue.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I’m not complaining,” Rosé giggles but whimpers midway as she feels Y/N’s tongue latch onto her nipple.

“Probably the wine.”

Y/N couldn’t help but think that their bodies fit together as if they were made just for this, to fall into one another, to feel this natural rhythm.

Y/N’s hands drop to Rosé’s thighs, caressing her from above her panties. Rosé moans at the feeling of the soft silk rubbing against her as Y/N’s mouth still busied herself with her nipple.

“Oh my god.”

Rosé grips her hand tightly onto Y/N’s hair as she feels the wetness between her legs. “Take your clothes off. I wanna see you.”

Y/N stops devouring her nipple to pull her shirt off. Rosé drops her hands to the zipper of Y/N’s jeans pulling it down and slipping her own hand in.

“Good to know I’m not the only one dripping wet,” she teases.

Before she could begin her sweet torture on Y/N, she feels hands finally moving inside her panties and her mind went blank.

Fingers toyed with her nub making Rosé bite down on Y/N’s shoulder. Thumb continuing to rub Rosé’s nub, Y/N slipped two fingers in. Rosé moaned so loud that Y/N swears it was enough to get her off.

Pumping her fingers around Rosé, Y/N felt a smirk making its way on her face. She couldn’t believe she was on top of the godly woman seeing her face all scrunched up in ecstasy. She feels Rosé pulling her in for another heated kiss as she picks up her pace inside the woman. With every moan and whimper coming out of Rosé’s mouth, Y/N feels her own wetness.

“You’re so fucking hot,” Y/N mutters under her breath.

She could feel Rosé getting close as the woman’s grinding on her fingers became sloppier and her breaths became more uneven. Burying her face on Y/N’s shoulder, Rosé tries to stifle her moans as she finally comes undone.

Y/N slowly leaves feathery kisses up and down Rosé’s neck as she waits for her to come down from her high.

“Jesus Christ, Y/N.” she hears Rosé trying to catch her breath. “I honestly wasn’t expecting you to take charge tonight.”

“Maybe I’m just full of surprises,” Y/N grinned, pressing a kiss on Rosé’s temple.

Rosé slowly sat up as Y/N leaves her place on top of her. “I guess you are.”

They both sat in silence as they picked up their clothes scattered on the floor before putting them back on. Rosé was the first one to break the ice as she reaches for her purse on the wooden table. It was at that moment Y/N remembered why she was even there in the first place. Disappointment stabbed through her like a knife. Somehow during the duration of the night, she made herself forget that she was there because of an agreement made online. As if she was there spending the night with a new lover, both milking the feeling of a love that just arrived. The night started out like a sweet melody of a blackbird -- full of promise, freshness, and newness to come. Now it sat like a cold cup of coffee waiting to be drained away. All of a sudden, she felt dirty and used and all she had to blame was herself. Rosé’s words from a few hours ago during dinner echoed through her head.

I signed up because I have no time for relationships. I’m just too busy for that. It saves me the hassle of meeting new people and having to get to know them, y’know?

And truthfully, no, Y/N didn’t know. She remembers Lisa telling her she loves like a puppy - devoted, playful, and trusting. So, no, Y/N didn’t know. She just didn’t roll the way Rosé rolled.

“Here you go,” Rosé reached out with a wad of cash in her hand. “Go treat yourself. You deserve it.”

It was the way Rosé said it, so confident and smug, that Y/N knew that she was not Rosé’s first rodeo. The woman sounded like she does it so often that she just didn’t care anymore.

“How many girls receive this same amount of cash?” Y/N laughs quietly and she hopes it didn’t sound as bitter as she felt.

“A couple a week,” Rosé grins so nonchalantly it makes Y/N stomach churn. “Why?”

“Nothing,” Y/N awkwardly shifts in her place on the couch. “Um, you really don’t need to. I’m not looking for cash.”

Rosé actually looked shocked at the girl’s statement. “I’m a little bit lost here.”

“I signed up because I was bored and curious not because I’m low on money,” she laughs keeping an unamused tone. “I really didn’t expect to reach this far ahead. So, you can keep your money Rosé.”

Y/N got up and started walking towards the door. She was halfway there when she felt Rosé grab her wrist.

“Why do you sound angry? Don’t act as if you didn’t know why I invited you here, Y/N.” Rosé looked at her confused. “We met through Seeking Arrangements for god’s sake. I thought we had a good time.”

Rosé did have a good time. Aside from the mind-blowing sex, she was impressed by Y/N’s ability to be present during a conversation, always having her own two cents to offer, which lead to a lot of fun and meaningful discourse all throughout dinner. She had never met a woman through that website as enchanting and beautiful as Y/N. Y/N was a smart woman who was good at sex and Rosé liked that. A lot. So why is she being difficult?

Rosé saw different emotions flash through Y/N’s face before settling on a look of defeat. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I did have a good time.”

Y/N stepped closer to Rosé. “I loved being here with you and money was never on my mind tonight. Maybe that’s why I reacted that way. I’m sorry. I joined Seeking Arrangements for fun because honestly…I was lonely and bored and looking for some sort of human connection and that’s what you gave me tonight. I just got lucky that you reached out. That was all I needed I promise.”

She offers Rosé a genuine smile before turning to leave once more. “Have a good rest of your night, Rosé.”

Y/N hears footsteps behind her as Rosé opens the door for her, a smile planted on her face. “You’re something else, Y/N.”

Before the door closes, Rosé speaks once more. “It’s Rosie now by the way.”

The last thing she saw was the woman throwing her a wink before the door finally closed.

[soft-stormcloud]

Dear Happy

On ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26028052

Summary: There’s a side only Patton knows about. 

Trigger warnings: Hurt/Comfort, food mentions, insecurity, depression, lack of motivation, self-deprecating thoughts

A/n: @justmeandmygayships beta'd this for me and if it wasn't for xem there would be a lot of sentences in here that straight up wouldn't make sense so go thank xem by reading xeir fics 

I created a character to put Patton through some Angst(tm) and instead Gray and I ended up shipping him with Patton so cheers to that

Patton wasn’t sure why he was the only one who could see him, as he visited Patton the least of all. He wasn’t so much a side, not a function like Morality, or Logic. But he was a very real part of the Mindscape, despite the others not knowing about him. 

Sometime after the puppet video, Roman took Logan and Virgil into the Imagination for an adventure. It was Roman’s way of an apology, and a very effective one, at that. A day of being spoiled by a prince in a place where you can do and have anything had a way of winning people over. 

Patton stayed behind. They invited him, and seemed sad that he wouldn’t go, but he had to work on his own apology, no matter how many times they insisted it wasn’t necessary. He wanted to. 

He spent the afternoon preparing a surprise of all their favourite treats—Lemon poppy seed bread for Logan (with a brand new jar of Crofters), red velvet cupcakes for Roman, and sugar cookies cut into bats, ghosts, and witch hats for Virgil (with a promise to help decorate). 

Patton found himself getting lost in the music he put on; he danced around the kitchen, apron twirling around like a swing dress, as he sang loud and off-key. He went on autopilot, sliding the cupcakes in the oven, and kneading the bread dough. 

He hadn’t felt so light, so giddy, in a very long time. His stomach fluttered each time he imagined their faces, and he couldn’t help but giggle. He was going to make them so happy. 

“Such a lovely sight.” 

Patton screamed and whipped around, holding the dough like a shield. The boy in the kitchen leapt back like he was startled. He pressed his back against the wall, and they held each other’s gaze. 

“Are you a new side?” Patton shakily lowered the dough, just a bit. I hope not. He’s creepy. 

He shook his head. 

“Then who are you?” Patton flicked his gaze around, half expecting to see more Thomas look-a-likes pouring into the room. 

“I’m…” The boy cleared his throat. “My name is Eden. My function is, well, for simplicity's sake… Happiness.”

Patton blinked. “Happiness?” 

“Yes.”

He set the dough down with trembling hands and smoothed down his apron. “Well, I’m… Sorry for the fright. You surprised me. I’m-”

“I know who you are.” Eden smiled a crooked smile, eyes crinkling. “Patton. I’ve been here since the start.”

Patton frowned in confusion. He’d been there the whole time, and he just now decided to show himself? He wanted to be diplomatic, but it was hard to trust him. How did he know Eden was being honest about his function? How did he know he wasn’t just Deceit in disguise?

Eden tisked and raised a pale hand to examine it. His honey-coloured eyes sparkled through his skin, the photo of Roman he was standing in front of showing through his fluffy, dark hair. 

“What’s happening?” Patton asked in panic. 

“Well…” He laughed weakly. “I don’t stay forever. I guess the scare changed your mood a bit. I really am sorry about that, I wasn’t trying to intrude. It’s just my job.” 

“Wait- Wait- Don’t leave!” Patton swiped out to grab Eden’s hand, but he went straight through. “We still don’t know why I’m seeing you!” 

Eden faded faster the more Patton panicked. He waved and smiled. “Until next time.” 

Then he was gone. 

It was a long time before Patton saw Eden again. He kept an eye out, but part of him was convinced he imagined the entire thing. How can someone be in the Mindscape without anyone else knowing about it? Were there other figments? Why could Patton suddenly see him? 

And why did Patton miss him?

He spent every day on edge, checking every inch of every room for a glimpse of lavender fabric. It was a month later with no Happiness in sight when Patton settled himself shakily at his desk and pulled out his favourite notepad. It had little cartoon cats all over the pages, the lines pastel blue. 

The clock read 2:03. The full moon shone through Patton’s open window, brittle breeze chasing a shiver down Patton’s spine. 

Dear Happiness, 

His hand hovered over the notepad. What the heck was he supposed to say? ‘I miss you, please come back even though we don’t know each other?’ ‘I want to abuse your function and not care about you as a person?’

Patton shuddered. This was a bad idea. 

I haven’t seen you around. Is everything okay? 

You should come over. I want to get to know you more. Maybe we can figure out why I can see you. 

<3 patton 

He waited several weeks before he accepted that he won’t get a response. 

One morning, Patton drifted around the kitchen to make breakfast, eyelids heavy and steps slow. He was halfway through when footsteps shuffled behind him. 

Patton smiled. “Morning, kiddo!” 

Virgil flinched. Patton’s smile faded as Virgil sat at the table, bringing his legs up and propping his head on the table. 

“Hey,” Patton said softly. He rested his hands on the sides of Virgil’s face, guiding Virgil to look at him. “Nightmare?” 

“Yeah,” he mumbled, eyes downcast. “It was… Worse than usual.” 

Patton stroked his soft, warm skin. “You want some coffee?”

Virgil nodded shyly. Patton kissed his forehead and bounced over to the coffee pot, starting a brew. “Breakfast is almost finished, too! Just go ahead and decompress, sweetheart, I got this.” 

Patton turned with Virgil’s coffee, and gasped. Eden had his chest pressed to Virgil’s back, arms wrapped around his torso and chin rested on Virgil’s shoulder. He brought a finger to his lips and smiled. 

“What is it?” Virgil asked nervously, and Eden started to fade. 

“No- Nothing!” Patton hurried over and set down his coffee. “I thought I saw something, but nothing’s wrong, love. There—Made just how you like it.”

Virgil blushed as Eden’s form came back. “Thanks, Dad,” he muttered. 

In the middle of breakfast, Eden reached out and rested a hand over Patton’s. A smile crawled over Patton’s face. 

After Virgil left, Eden stuck around. Patton stood awkwardly, hands clasped and pressed to his chest. 

“So, um…” Patton looked away, face red. “What have you, uh… Been up to? Seen any other figments lately?”

“I got your letter.” Eden smiled sadly. “I can’t just come when you ask, Patton. I come when I’m called.” 

Patton’s face crumpled in distress. “You don’t choose where you go?”

“I go where I’m needed.”

Patton bit his tongue. I need you. 

“You’ll be okay,” Eden promised. “We’ll talk again soon. Just… Keep on, okay?” 

Patton nodded, sniffling. “Yeah.” He forced a smile and straightened up. “Yeah! Of course.”

Eden smiled, then he faded away. 

The next few months were difficult. Patton’s mind grew groggy with constant exhaustion, and he found it hard to focus on anything for too long. One time Virgil had to stop him from pulling a tray of cookies out of the oven without a mitt. 

He found himself lying awake at night, and sleeping all day. He suppressed the urge to ignore Thomas and the other sides’ summonings, and reminded himself to put on a happy face. No one paid him too much attention or looked too closely. It was stupid, but it brought a deep dread to his stomach. 

He was still in bed when they came to check on him. He was half asleep, and didn’t remember answering the timid knocks on his door. 

“Pat?” Virgil’s cool hand brushed Patton’s bangs back as the bed dipped beside his hips. “Is everything okay?”

“Hm?” He rolled over, leaning into Virgil’s touch. Virgil chuckled and ran his fingers through Patton’s hair. 

“We’re worried about you.” Logan stood awkwardly at the side of the bed, clutching his flashcards. “You’ve shown an increase in symptoms of depression, more so than usual, and… Virgil?”

“We know you’ve been repressing again.” 

Patton sat up, face burning. “It’s not that big of a deal,” he mumbled. 

Virgil laced their fingers and shook his head. “We all talked about this. It’s not good for you, and it’s not good for Thomas. You don’t have to hide it.”

Logan nodded. “Virgil put it perfectly. I have nothing to add.”

A hand touched his back, and Patton jumped. Logan and Virgil looked at him in confusion. Eden’s soft eyes met Patton’s, his hand crawling up Patton’s back and rubbing at the top of his spine. 

“Sorry,” Patton mumbled, unable to hide his smile. He squeezed Virgil’s hand. “I just thought I heard something. I’m sorry I didn’t go to you guys.”

Logan hesitantly sat. “If I were you… I’d partake in some leisure activities. Virgil and I can join, if that’ll make it more enjoyable.” 

Patton wiped his wet eyes and nodded. “That’d be great.”

Eden followed them into the kitchen. Virgil and Logan helped him bake bread, Eden weaving between the three of them like a satin lace pulling them together. 

I can get through. Patton smiled as he pulled Virgil into a dance, one of his favourite songs playing on the radio. I can get through. 

xxx 

The day after the Phases episode, Patton visited Roman, who’d been holed up in his room all day. He didn’t even come out for food. 

Patton knocked on the door with his foot, the plates on his tray rattling together. He yipped as he almost spilled the glass of juice. 

“Come in!”

“You mind helping me out here, Ro?” 

He shuffled around, and a moment later, he pulled the door open. His eyes lit up. “Cream of broccoli?!” He took the tray happily and settled back at his desk. 

Patton startled. Eden sat criss-cross at Roman’s feet, leaning back against the leg of the chair. He waved at Patton cutely. 

“Good day, Ro?” He sat at the edge of Roman’s bed, trying not to stare at Eden. 

“Mhm!” Roman spoke with his mouth full. “The Phases video gave me lots of inspiration! I’ve been working on a new project all day!” 

“Well, you gotta remember to eat, too.” 

Roman blushed. “I know, I just didn’t want to lose momentum.” He set his spoon down and wrapped his fingers around the glass. He stared into it with a blush. “Thank you, padre.” 

After eating, Roman got back to work. Eden stood behind him with his hands on Roman’s shoulders, gently kneading. Patton should’ve probably left- Even though Roman couldn’t see Eden, he felt like he was intruding on something intimate -but he couldn’t draw his attention away. 

Had Eden been with him all day? Was he able to be with multiple sides at once? How did Roman snag him for so long, did Eden like him better? 

“You’re overthinking,” Eden murmured, and Patton looked at him in surprise and confusion. He frowned, eyebrows drawn in sadness. “This is why you’re not supposed to know about me.” 

Patton got up to kiss Roman on the forehead, take his tray, and leave. As much as he wanted to, he didn’t look back. 

Over the next few weeks, he struggled with his feelings. It was difficult to take the others’ advice—His habit of shoving down any bad feelings was more ingrained than he realized. Every time he was upset, he tried to convince himself that he wasn’t and it was fine, until he caught himself. Then he sat there in a kind of stumped limbo. He wasn’t sure what the next step was. 

He tried talking to Virgil and Logan about it, but everything they suggested didn’t help much, and he regretted the waste in energy. 

He desperately thought back to all the times Eden had visited before. The only thing he could see in common was that he was in a good mood. It was a long shot, but if he could replicate that, maybe Happiness would show. 

He settled himself early into bed with hot chocolate in his favourite mug, topped high with whipped cream and sprinkles. He was dressed in soft pyjamas, his weighted blanket pulled over his lap and his favourite show on. 

His drink tasted just as good as it always did, and the show pulled giggles out of him throughout the night, but in the back of his mind, all he could focus on was if Eden would show up or not. 

He tried all night, but his frustration rose with the sun. 

He slumped at his desk before bed, letters messy and words running together. 

Dear Happiness, 

I miss you. 

I’m not sure what happened last night. I guess you must have been busy, helping another side or something. That’s okay. They deserve your help. But I miss you. 

What did I do wrong? 

-patton 

Unsurprisingly, Patton didn’t get a response. He waited a few days before giving up.

Maybe Eden just didn’t like hanging out with him. Maybe he was repulsed by Patton, didn’t think Patton deserved his company. 

That was fine. 

He didn’t need Eden. 

Patton’s eyes fluttered open in the darkness of his room one night. His throat burned, and he groaned when he reached for his empty glass on the bedside table. 

He stumbled past the other’s rooms as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He returned with his newly filled glass, and stopped at the top of the stairs. The soft light from Logan’s desk lamp spilled into the hallway through his open door. He wasn’t inside. 

Patton’s heartbeat quickened. The bathroom was empty, and Patton hadn’t noticed him when he was downstairs. Is he okay? Did the dark sides do something with him? 

His hands trembled as he hurried down the stairs. Deceit’s snake eye, his shimmering scales, flashed in Patton’s mind. His gaze flicked to the spot by the blinds. 

His glass teetered on its edge as he dropped it on the table he passed. He threw the front door open, fully intending to cross the street and interrogate the dark sides- 

Logan laid in the grass. 

Patton pressed his hand to his heart. Idiot. He’s fine. 

His mouth creased into a frown. Eden laid next to Logan, hands clasped. 

Patton tiptoed back onto the porch steps. One of the old wood panels creaked, and Logan glanced back. 

“Oh. Patton.” He propped himself up on his elbow and adjusted his glasses. “Is everything okay?”

He nodded, cheeks burning. “Just wanted to check on you.” 

“I’m unharmed.” Logan laid back. “You should join me.” 

Patton’s heart fluttered. He shook his head. “Oh, no, I couldn’t-” 

Logan looked back, and Patton softened. His eyes were owlishly big behind his glasses, his mouth pulled into a concerned frown. 

“I can stay a bit.” Patton sat criss-cross on the soft grass, trying not to stare at Eden. He absentmindedly ran his fingers through the untrimmed blades, the thin slices tickling his palms. 

“You don’t need to worry if I’m not in my room at night.” Logan’s eyes flicked between star to star. “I like stargazing. I like the solitude of it. It’s… In honesty, it’s the only calm I get unless I’m working.” 

Patton stiffened. “I can leave you alone-”

“I enjoy your company.” 

He jumped as soft skin touched his. Eden laced their fingers and whispered, “I miss you, too. Stay.”

Patton blushed and looked away. “I can stay for a bit.” 

xxx 

As lovely as his night with Logan and Eden was, Patton found his mental health rapidly decreasing. Thomas’s life was spiralling out of control, and Patton desperately tried to keep a handle on things, but every choice he made was a mistake. 

His family grew impatient with him. Roman’s creativity was stunted, and Virgil tensed when Patton touched him. Logan was more frustrated than usual—He shut down nearly everything Patton said. 

And after the Intrusive Thoughts video, things seemed hopeless. 

How had he been so… Wrong? How could he treat them all that way, without even noticing? Was he that bad of a person? Was he corrupting Thomas?

If he rarely got out of bed before, he lived there now. He didn’t get up to eat, only to make dinner when someone requested it of him. Anxiety seeped under Patton’s door from Virgil’s room, and the frustration in the house concentrated in Patton’s room. 

Indecision hindered him. He couldn’t get out of bed, because he couldn’t be faced with another day with the potential to fail Thomas, and everyone else in the Mindscape. 

And Eden hadn’t visited him in months. 

I miss you, too, he had said. He didn’t mean it. He would have shown up by then. 

The only time he was able to force himself out of bed was to make a decision he knew he couldn’t mess up. He pulled his hood up and wrapped his sleeves around his palms, trudging across the lawn to the dark sides’ house looming across the street. He crossed the black stone pathway and stopped at the porch, hand raised. 

Inside was chaos—Glass breaking, yelling, laughing, fighting. Deceit wasn’t home, then. 

He climbed down the steps and circled around to the back. He stretched up on his tiptoes to reach over the black panels of wood and feel around for the gate lock. He sighed in relief when he hit it and it came undone, the gate slipping open. 

He took a step into the garden, and voices stopped him. 

“It worked!” Remus’s voice was practically a squeal. Patton crept forward and peeked through the leaves of a yellow rosebush. Remus’s hands clasped Deceit’s, bouncing up and down. 

“And you’re sure?” Deceit asked. His mouth twitched upwards. “Everything went according to plan?”

Patton held his hand to his mouth as Remus pressed a sloppy kiss to Deceit’s mouth. “Yes! We’re gonna be light sides, JJ!” 

Patton inched closer, the new angle revealing Eden hugging Remus’s arm, one hand rested over Deceit and Remus’s. 

Anger bubbled in Patton’s stomach. He whipped around, intention of apologizing lost, and stormed back to his room. 

He scrabbled for the first piece of paper and pen he could find. He nearly ripped the fragile pages as he scratched ink. 

Happiness, 

I’m glad you’re enjoying your time with everyone else. I’m so happy for you all. If you ever need me, I’ll be right here waiting, alone. But we both know that won’t happen. We both know you don’t need me, don’t want me, just as the others don’t. 

I don’t need you anyway. I don’t need you to help Thomas and I don’t need you to feel okay and I don’t need you to do my job. 

I wish we’d never met. 

Morality

PS: did you plan this? 

xxx 

“Pat?”

Patton forced on a friendly face and pulled the door open. It was a few weeks after Janus told them his name, and everyone was tentatively mending relationships. He couldn’t ruin that with his own anger. 

“Everything okay, Roman?”

He nodded. “We, uh… Well, we were thinking a movie night. Uh, now.” 

Patton blinked. They hadn’t had a movie night since they watched Frozen. “That sounds fun, kiddo.” 

“So you’ll come?” Roman smiled sheepishly. 

Patton twisted his fingers in his shirt. “If you want me there, I’m there!”

He grinned. “Perfect! Come on, we still have time to vote!” 

Roman grabbed his hand and dragged him downstairs. Patton’s eyes widened when they stepped into the living room. All of the usual suspects were there- Virgil curled at one side of the couch, Logan in the armchair, plenty of space for Roman and Patton to sit -but three new faces joined them. 

Janus and Remus sat on the loveseat, Remus clothed this time. Remus had his legs thrown over Janus’s lap, and Janus looked annoyed but ran his hand up and down his shin subconsciously. 

And Eden sat on the floor, back pressed to the couch, in the middle of them all. 

Patton settled in the empty seat behind Eden. He didn’t react as Eden said, “I have a good feeling.” 

Patton pursed his lips and glanced down. 

Eden leaned back and rested his head against Patton’s knee. “Hang out with me tonight,” he whispered. 

Patton relaxed into the couch. Remus cackled as he poked at the scales on Janus’s face, who continuously pushed him away. Virgil and Roman argued about Roman tampering with the votes, and Logan took it all in with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. 

“Okay,” Patton whispered back, unable to stop from smiling. “That sounds good.” 

Tag list: @mirror2thespirit thx babe lmao 

[noonymoon]

hi tumblr~!

as some of you maybe remember i’ve almost died in April this year and i’ve wanted to sincerely thank everyone who was so kind to reach out to me through my friend Ariel. it was amazing to read your messages after waking up from a couple days of post-6h-brain-surgery-coma right on my 30th birthday while being entirely alone in the hospital due to this crappy covid situation. it really made me happy in that situation and i appreciate it. it’s now August and apart from a few weird and annoying things that still need rehabilitation, i’ve actually recovered entirely! which is a miracle in itself and i am very, very grateful.

this experience really forced me to wake up. i’ve already gone through a lot of trauma in the three years that led up to this point but this happening, this one was really, really bad. during my three weeks in the hospital, i was too damaged and too drugged to really think about it but as soon as i was released, a huge spiritual depression creeped up on me. nothing made sense anymore. what is the meaning of life? how do we define personal success? why does nothing seem important at all? i’ve wrestled with it and picked myself up again because i thought “i just have to be more positive and see the actual miracle here!” and was eager to continue with my life the way it was before: i’ve ordered a bunch of spiritual books, almost signed up for a really expensive class on mediumship and forced myself back into divination after not having practiced for a whole month. i’ve also started to talk with “my angels” again but something felt just really, really off. my tarot cards just didn’t tell me anything anymore, the passion, the feeling, the love - it was all gone. my spiritual depression and then fake motivation turned into a spiritual crisis and i didn’t know what was happening. 

around the same time, i’ve got confronted with two other things: one was the actual happenings of the real world (which i’ve usually pushed faaaar back in my mind because i’ve already learned over 10 years ago that it just made me sick) and another thing that really just bugged and annoyed me deeply. i’ve had the same annoying and bugging thing knocking on my door just like one or two months earlier and i’ve violently pushed it away because i didn’t wanna deal with it at all. but this time, i’ve tried to just remain open. it was a huge struggle back and forth. i think for a few days i’ve changed my mind on this topic like 5 times. i even called my grandmother to ask her what i should do and think about this (and i never really do that at all, i am kinda very private when it comes to my actual family *lol*).

long story short: i’ve surrendered and just tried to remain open from there on because to be quite honest, i actually knew nothing about the topic in question, for real, i just had a bunch of bad prejudices, i guess. 

researching A LOT about both topics in question, tearing down my ignorant walls, crying utterly, praying for the truth, consuming knowledge, i’ve realized that suddenly everything makes sense. this entire crazy world suddenly made sense. every single part of it. 

i’ve realized A LOT of things. i’ve realized how bad my life had actually been. i’ve realized how wrong i was and how i’ve been deceived to think that THIS is truly what life is. i was shocked but felt great relief at the same time.

when i’ve felt the Love of God, our one true creator, upon me - and it was so immense that it actually hurt - i’ve cried out bitterly, repented of my sins, and invited Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour.

i know that this is probably not the environment that is open to Him because i was in the exact same place just last year. i was so mad when Doreen Virtue posted her blog post about how literally every single spiritual thing is evil and straight up a deception from Satan and i’ve called her a hypocrite and a liar, all that jazz, i totally get it. i’ve dug into the what’s and why’s and how’s and have to say i come to the exact same conclusion, even if this sounds super radical - it is the truth.

i am not religious, never was, never will be. i am not even baptized, never been to a single religion class in my life. i am literally a blank paper and not indoctrinated by any infiltrated teaching or view about what Christianity is supposed to be. Jesus is not about religion. the gospel of Jesus was never intented to be a religion. even Jesus himself rebuked the religious people in the story of the Bible because they twisted the faith in God already back then.

i am not denying that there ARE other deities since i know first hand that a lot of people work with them. the story of the Bible was never intended to display that there IS only ONE God - the story of the Bible is that there IS only ONE creator, the only true God who deserves praise.

obviously the Bible is a lot more complicated and a lot more layered in its message (it’s been only like 2 months and of course i am not entirely through it yet *lol*) but from my extensive research and my prayers to Jesus to please reveal the truth to me, i’ve been discovering MINDBLOWING things.

i am not here to convert any of you if you don’t want that. if you feel uncomfortable with the whole topic, i can understand this entirely since i know how i’ve felt before i’ve let God’s love and truth touch my heart. i won’t tell you what to do in regards to your faith. 

i am ACTUALLY here again to blog about the first topic i’ve mentioned that i was confronted with: the world happenings that i urge everyone to know about since times could get really, really difficult soon-ish. since both topics go deeply hand in hand, i needed to give my testimony first.

i invite you to stay on this blog and just read into what i am presenting you in the following posts. my mission is to not bash anyone with too much information or extremely long posts that nobody has time to read, provide good ressources and keywords for research, if you’re interested.

i pray for all people to wake up from this fake world and that all of you are safe and protected ♡ may God bless everyone who is reading ♡

PS. please don’t message me! i know i’ve used to love to talk to literally everyone on here, but i truly don’t have neither the capacity nor time nor mood to really socially engage online anymore. i am still rehab-ing my health, managing my life, studying the word of God and doing a ton of research.

[helenazbmrskai]

YOONGI AS A MERMAN💜🧡❤🧜‍♂️

• The lake deep in the heart of the forest is a 15-minute walk from the city

• You always thought that place holds a supernatural beauty to it and you liked how mysterious the atmosphere felt there

• every brush from the wind on your skin or how the lake's surface shake with every movement a leaf landed on it

• It was not something most people found breathtaking the lake's water is muddy and not see-through but pretty flowers swimming on the veneer makes up for that

• You felt like you were being watched by someone the presence felt nice despite how uncomfortable you felt the first time you discovered this place

• After that, you didn't show up for two weeks but the image of the lake at the back of your head never left your subconscious so here you were

• This city was unfamiliar to you the only purpose why were you here is because this town has a good psychologist and you are determined to pick up your pieces

• Asking for help is never easy but after months of sessions you felt better after a long time you wanted to think about your future and you were not afraid anymore to look back to your past

• You sit down at the nearby rock you always occupy when you visit this place

• After a minute or two, you can feel eyes locking with your form you are still not sure if it's just your mental state playing a cruel joke with you or someone is really there

• You tried to talk to the person even though he never replied but you never stopped despite the lack of response you talked about your progress you shared your thoughts with the mysterious shadow lurking in the background and talked about your daily life what you like to eat what is your favourite colour you shared anything you can think of at that moment

• But this time you remained silent you come here every day for at least the past 2 weeks and no one responded so far to your aimless bubbling

• So you just watched the scenery taking in the wet mud and the scents of the blossoming flowers by inhaling deeply

• You liked the smell of after rain when the soil is soaked it makes the view more dreamy

• "Why aren't you talking human?"

• A voice broke the silence and a head appeared from the muddy water you almost fell of the rock and hit your head on it but you could stabilize yourself in the last moments before the disaster would eventually happen

• "Why are you in the lake? You will catch a cold!"

• The man laughed shaking his head to the side that this is the first thing that pops up in your head of all the things you could say

• "No need to worry about me. I am living in this lake."

• You regard him for a couple of seconds not quite understanding the whole 'I live in this lake' concept

• "Are you a swamp monster?" Your eyes widen standing up from your sitting position to getaway

• "This is the most insulting question I was ever asked in my long lifespan. For your information, I am no monster. I am a merman or mermaid, choose what you want."

• "A m-mermaid? Am I dreaming or hallucinating from the anti-depressants?"

• The merman rolled his eyes at your comment swimming elegantly closer to the grassy edge the lake water clearer at that part and you can see the silhouette of a big tail guiding him through the water

• "You were the one stalking me then, all this time?"

• He groans offended by your every word

• "I am not stalking you. This is my lake. You are the one stalking me."

• "I am not!" You protest and it's earned a toothy grin from the mythical creature.

• "Why are you looking like that? Do you have a fever? You're as red as a sea worm."

• "I can't believe a merman said I look like a worm! You take that back!" You yell at him offended by the indication even forgetting the fact why were you so embarrassed that your whole face turned red.

• "I didn't say you look like one just as red as one."

• He had the audacity to roll his eyes again at you like you are some kind of moron

• "I liked you better when you were silent." You sit down again to the same rock and the boy you still don't know the name of swims closer

• "Wait. I am coming here for two weeks now on a row why are you appearing in front of me now? And do you have a name or should I call you fish guy?"

• You call me that again and you'll never see the sight of me, I dare you!"

• "Ok, ok I understand. No need to be this rude. God. What a grumpy merman."

• " I am not! My name is Yoongi so make sure to use it."

• After the faithful encounter, you guys are becoming closer your visits to the lake expands in time because you no longer the only one talking to yourself and Yoongi even bother to ask questions he seems curious about you in general

• You nudge him to tell you elements about himself saying that you were talking for two weeks and now it's his turn

• At first, he seemed shy to tell you about his life he enjoyed more when you were talking and he listened

• "Yoongi." You call out his name your mood is gloomy and you know Yoongi noticed it as well but didn't comment on it

• for the past few weeks, you had a good spirit and you were cheerful but not today

• "Yes? What is it?"

• His elbows firmly set on the grass beside you his head is positioned in his palms looking into your eyes concern swimming in his warm expression as he waits for you to speak what is on your mind today

• "This is my last week." Instead of his eyes, you look up gaping at the different shapes of clouds littering the sky even the weather is grim not just your mood. The sun is hiding behind those fluffy looking white pillows.

• "What do you mean?" Yoongi touches your thigh want you to look at him instead of the view.

• "You know why I am here originally right?"

• You obligate locking gazes with him he mirrors the sadness you feel right now

• "You're getting treated your depression here."

• You nod. He suddenly realizes what you mean. If your session is over this week that means you have no reason to stay here and you're going back to where you came from.

• "Are you leaving this week? Saturday? Sunday? When?" His palm is firmer against your skin until now it was a lingering touch but now he is holding onto you like you can disappear before he can get the answer to his question.

• "At the end of the week. That's when my therapy ends."

• After you leave that day you feel something is squeezing your heart painfully

• You turn up the next day and the next day spending time with Yoongi as much as you can this week almost every meeting ends up finishing when the sky is no longer ruled by the sun but the moon is peeking and stars illuminating the lake and the two of you talking

• You don't mention the topic which obviously weighing down both of your hearts and he doesn't talk about it either

• But Sunday comes sooner than you wished to

• You had your luggage with you when you went to see Yoongi for the last time

• You abandon your spot when he appears above the water and you crouch down to be closer to him you know you should say goodbye but the only thing you can do is look into his eyes

• "I have to confess something before you leave. I wanted to tell you this for a long time now. I was about to tell you what's on my mind lately that night you said you're going to leave so I thought I shouldn't make things harder than it already is. But I feel I could die if I can't tell you."

• Yoongi clasped your hands in his holding them gently but fixed you would normally laugh at that a seaweed is glued to his wet fingers but not now when he is wearing such a pained expression

• "I love you, my human. Even if you leave my feelings won't change towards you. I hate that it will make parting ways more painful but I just needed you to know that you are so dear to me."

• "I love you too Yoongi. I won't leave you. I don't think I can handle that I want to be by your side." You hold him closer hugging his body flush against you not caring that you'll get soggy.

• "B-but your stuff is there." He can't believe what he is hearing his eyes trained on the luggage you left behind.

• "I had to leave the facility because my therapy is over but I maybe bought a small house at the foot of the forest at the last moment instead of a train ticket and I just wanted to see you as soon as I packed up. So here I am."

• "You silly human. You got me miserable for a moment. I really thought that's it for us."

• "But I am your silly human." You smile at him but you are soon muffled with a wet kiss against your lips.

[innenofutari]

An Analysis of Vanitas’s Personality (meta)

I’ve always wanted to write some little meta for Vanitas no Carte, more specifically Vanitas, who probably is one of my favorite characters overall. I can’t help but find his entire character so well-built and intriguing! Most notably how he is written to be the center of the story- he’s like a “key” to the “catbox”; once you understand him, you can understand the themes and mysteries of the story (or at least that’s what I believe Mochijun is going for currently).

Diving into his mindset is, let me tell you, one hell of a confusing ride. But, at the end of it, I think I managed to form my own interpretations pretty well. Also, considering that he’s the type of character meant to be a mystery, feel free to agree or disagree with this meta, after all this is only the way I view things, and your interpretations aren’t any less valid than mine. With that being said, you better sit down because I’m one motherfucker who talks your ears off I’m so sorry.

1. Vanitas’s “change of mood” in the manga:

I think I want to start by talking about one of the things about Vanitas that caught my attention while reading the manga for the first time, and this is Vanitas’s “attitude change”. While I was reading, it was so subtle and gradual that I didn’t even properly realize until halfway through the catacombs arc. That instantly piqued my attention and I, a moron as I am, went “Wait didn’t this idiot act completely differently ten chapters ago?”. So why, exactly, did this dumbass change his demeanor so drastically? Well, he kind of didn’t, really.

At the start of the series, we all know Vanitas looked to be in “a good mood”; he laughed all the time, constantly wore a smile on his face and seemed like he was having fun with everything around him, yet suddenly, he got grumpier, angrier, snapping at the smallest things and so on. This never had anything with his temper and feelings, but everything to do with trust.

Now, what exactly do I mean by “trust”? I’m sure everyone reading this already knows, but I’ll talk about it anyway because it’s almost three in the unholy morning and I’m running solely on cans of soda. 

I’ll start by saying that there is no more effective way to conceal your feelings than by wearing a grin on your face; one smile can mean a multitude of things, and it’s very hard to tell anything about a person based on that. The “smiling tactic” is an extremely effective way of obtaining information without unintentionally giving any to the person you’re trying to take information from.

Even when August is literally choking him, and Vanitas is clearly in pain, his smile stays on, unwavering, from the beginning to the very end of his interrogation. Later, August himself even acknowledges that he himself couldn’t discover shit about Vanitas after all, since Vanitas is so well guarded.

His smile also serves another purpose other than to omit, and it’s exactly to extract information from other people.

Vanitas relies a lot on charm and charisma to gather information. He knows people are more willing to talk to someone friendlier, who wears a smile on their faces all the time and to who they can feel a sense of security and trust towards.

Based on this, it’s pretty safe to assume that with Noé at first was the same, wasn’t it? His enthusiasm at the beginning never really existed (although I still believe his instant interest towards Noé is pretty real, like he gravitated towards him). He uses his smiles to conceal, to gather information and also to taunt people (e.g. Astolfo), but it’s not truthful.

For me, Vanitas’s sudden “change” was one of the biggest proofs of his trust on Noé, and marks the beginning of when he truly started to see him as someone he could (kind of) confide in. You could argue that Vanitas jumping in the Altus portal was also a sign of trust, but I disagree. That still felt weirdly “calculated”, he knows someone with a personality like Noé’s would never let someone die in front of their eyes, so he gambled on this possibility. Vanitas trusted his own understanding of Noé’s personality, not Noé himself. However, what would he even gain by acting grumpy next to Noé? Nothing, right? He’s just exposing himself needlessly.

Now the question, what exactly sparked this sudden change in the way Vanitas felt about Noé? For the when, I think it’s pretty obvious what scene it was.

This scene is very important for many reasons. Each of Vanitas’s expressions here tell their own story and capture the nature of his contradicting feelings so well. But, I’ll get to these “contradictions” in a second, now I wanted to talk about something else: “hope”.

It’s no news to anyone that Vanitas is like, depressed as shit and is pretty much passively suicidal and, of course,  entirely disillusioned with the world and society as a whole. He believes people and vampires alike are inherently selfish, twisted beings. Creatures so wicked that there is no point to even reason with them. Vanitas doesn’t have any hope whatsoever, both in himself and others. For him, the person is already drowning before even stepping into the lake.

Even so, I firmly believe that there is a side of Vanitas that wished so fervently to be proven wrong. Even though he was dead set on his beliefs, he wanted someone to come and crush them. To prove him that there is good in this world, that he was being a damn fool this entire time. But no one ever stuck around enough to do that. They were all unable to truly reach out to him.

Noé gave him the hope that there was a person who could convince him. That there was a person who could understand him, reach out to the depths of his heart and get past his lies. He willingly sets up this façade of this cold, unfeeling jerk who has no care for others and always does as he pleases, but he’s always wanted someone to look past this. Yet, at the same time, he’s deathly afraid of this possibility. 

In the first picture, his face is in awe, as if he was looking at salvation itself. However, that all crumbles down when Noé says he is staying with Vanitas and the implications this has. That’s what he is terrified of. Aaaand with this we move to the second section of this analysis! (Damn this is getting so lengthy I truly became that one freak who writes a thesis worth of analysis of a drawing).

2. Vanitas’s fears and contradictions:

I think it’s really obvious to everyone that damn this dude got some issues regarding forming relationships with other people. It’s pretty safe to say the only friend he has is Noé, and that’s such an easy thing to overlook, mainly because of how he acts around others. You could argue that he’s friends with Dante but… that’s not quite so. Dante is, in fact, fairly good at reading Vanitas (which, unpopular opinion, is not a hard thing to do given how emotional he is, but let’s get to that later) but between them there is an emotional barrier neither is willing to cross. They’re more like close acquaintances than anything.

Well, this isn’t groundbreaking, but it’s pretty obvious Vanitas is terrified of forming any meaningful bonds with others. Thing most obviously showcased in the notorious chapter 12:

This panel… is a tricky one. It’s totally up to the reader’s interpretation and it could mean a myriad of different things, especially since very little was revealed about his past as of chapter 39.

I personally see this scene as showing Vanitas’s fear of attachment, laced with a tinge of self hatred. There is nothing Vanitas fears more than getting close to people and caring about them, he himself sees this as a weakness and something he absolutely must not have. On a side note, it is also possible that Vanitas thinks so lowly of himself that he thinks anyone that would seriously love him was completely out of their minds. Or both, who knows?

But what is so interesting is that… he can’t. Vanitas knows he should be cold, calculating, use people as pieces and discard them, knows he shouldn’t be emotional or act on impulse, knows he shouldn’t express any kind of feeling whatsoever and keep the concealing smile. Yet, he just fails so miserably in every single one of those. Vanitas cares a lot, more than he’d ever want to admit, he does completely reckless and uncalled for things for no reason other than it pissed him off, so of course he gotta get the last say because he has the mind of a teenager on their rebellious phase. 

Say, can you think of any, any at all, conceivable explanation of what Vanitas could possibly gain by making that speech for all vampires to hear during the ball? There is none. If you think from his perspective, the only thing that little spectacle of his brought were disadvantages for himself. So why? Because he felt belittled, humiliated, and he’s prideful as all hell, so of course he had to prove how none of that was even remotely true. He wanted to affirm himself. In the thinking process of a cunning, one hundred percent unemotional man, that was a completely unnecessary move.

It’s almost like Vanitas wants to become someone he’s not. He wants to act a certain way (to prevent even more pain?), but, ultimately, he cannot. It’s even funny how he fails spectacularly on keeping his expression “blank, without information” because even when he tries, his emotions all show on his face. It’s amusing how quick he is to try and cover said blunder with a laugh and a smile.

These contradictions are very deeply linked to his trauma, even if we don’t know the full extent of it it’s fairly obvious. What drives his wish to act so differently and thus his contradictions is, most of all, fear.

This part is pretty straightforward, in fact. In the end, Vanitas is afraid of forming bonds with others in fear of losing them, he knows firsthand how much it hurts (of course, he also doesn’t want anyone to discover his past). But that’s not all, remember how I mentioned that Vanitas’s expression only darkened in the clock tower (chapter 11) scene when Noé said he had decided to stay with him…? Well… I think Vanitas might think he brings misfortune to whoever gets involved with him. Like he is some symbol of disaster and doom that does nothing but kill those around him. If people care for him, they will suffer, but if they hate him, they will be completely fine. 

Despite his insistence of being detached to all people and being a cold asshole because that’s what he must do, to avoid getting hurt, to avoid having weak points, he also craves so very badly for intimacy. He wants to be close to someone, to make an impression on someone. After all, during his whole life I doubt he truly had any meaningful relationships with others. But love only results in pain in the end, so what other strong emotion is left? Of course, it’s hatred. 

Aaand this brings us to the last section of this analysis! May be a tad biased and controversial, but as I said, this is merely my opinion and I’m just as much of a random person on the internet as you! My opinion is no better than yours.

3. Vanitas’s relationships: Mainly Noé and Jeanne

As I said above, Vanitas wishes fervently to have some kind of relationship with someone, no matter which type. Since love is a no-go, he opted towards having someone feel intense hatred towards him. Because a strong emotion is a strong emotion, isn’t it? After all, hatred must be better than indifference.

Getting this out of the way, I do not think Vanitas truly loves Jeanne as of chapter 39. It’s glaringly obvious he does not, his way of showing true affection is not the way he does with Jeanne. The way he acts around her is much closer to the façade he tries to be. As I see it, this ties into Vanitas’s wish to explore intimacy and affection, even if a broken, twisted kind of. Another proof of this is that he doesn’t push her away like he does with people he knows he’s starting to grow fond of, but instead keeps her closer.

That is exactly due to the belief that she will always, always hate him, and so, there is absolutely nothing to fear. He can explore all these things and experience being the brunt of a person’s intense feelings without any consequences.

This is a very harsh thing to say, but I think Vanitas is using Jeanne as a “convenient female” he accused Dominique of being to Noé.

It’s also worth noting that in the one chapter he truly got somehow intimate with Jeanne he tried to avoid it in many ways, even trying the usual “flirting” to purposefully gross her out. By the way, can I just point out that this scene truly shows just how estranged from affection he is? He has none of the suave façade, he’s a blundering mess.

About the topic of whether Jeanne likes Vanitas or not, my answer is, too, a clear no as of chapter 39. Vanitas and Jeanne together are a combination that spawns all the disaster on earth, considering how manipulative and emotionally stunted Vanitas is, and how gullible and affection starved Jeanne is. It’s a recipe for disaster. Jeanne is not used to affection, she was mistreated during most of her life, treated as something below humans and vampires due to a thing that was completely out of her control, and then, melting at any sort of affection, no matter how twisted the person may be.

To be fair, I think overall Vanijeanne will develop immensely, and their relationship will grow into something else, more healthy? Who knows! I just think it’s undeniable that in the future Jeanne will have a big, big impact on Vanitas and vice versa. (Disclaimer: I will not tolerate any ship hate whatsoever and everyone is allowed to ship whatever they want regardless of the nature of said ship).

Shifting the focus away to Noé and Vanitas for now, there are some little things I would like to talk about and juxtapose with Vanijeanne, since parallels are my thing.

Parallels between Vanoé and Vanijeanne may not even exist and are just my mind overthinking (hell if this whole post isn’t just a big overthinking) but I would like to talk about what my sleep deprived mind came up with. First off, I think it’s safe to say that Vanoé’s relationship is depicted as complete opposites, opposite worldviews, personalities, fuck even color palettes! And the story as it is shows that they bring the absolute best out of each other and learn by staying by the other’s side. The whole narrative pushes the two halves of a whole idiot a lot.

Noé is naive, pure, idealistic but still possesses certain “selfishness” (like how he felt he was selfish when Louis died but he lived), while Vanitas is cunning, wicked, cynical and would throw his own life away for one corn chip. It’s like they were two people fated to meet.

Vanitas and Jeanne, on the other hand… are kind of similar, but only in certain ways, mostly due to trauma. Jeanne, too, only lives for a sole objective, the same way Vanitas clings to life using his self assigned duty to cure curse bearers. Jeanne and Vanitas both, are people who have essentially gave up on life, on the world, and on themselves. People who purposefully push themselves away from happiness, in fear of the consequences.

I think, at least right now, this is the main reason why they cannot see eye to eye (aside from Vanitas being an asshole). To understand Vanitas and reach out to him, one must see him with “love”. Without love, Vanitas’s struggles, trauma and suffering cannot be seen. If you look at him with eyes full of hatred, he’ll be exactly who he wants to be seen as; a cold, heartless bastard who toys with people and cares for no one other than himself. Jeanne doesn’t have the ability to see the world as purely as Noé does. She cannot find love even in seemingly irredeemable people such as Vanitas. Yet, at least.

That’s the main reason why I think Vanitas isn’t afraid of being near Jeanne, and that’s the main reason why Noé is probably such an… illogical existence to Vanitas. Vanitas, too, cannot see love in the world, and yet, Noé does. Noé catches every single small detail about him:

Whew! That was… one big fucking post! If you’ve reached this point, thank you! I write meta for fun only and to share my interpretations for you guys! Also, the last bit probably sounded very ship hate-y but I swear this was absolutely not my intention.

Actually, the true meaning of this whole post was that I wanted to make an Umineko reference with Vanitas no Carte and I have succeeded. Play Umineko, you guys.

[fire-angel]

DRAGON HEART

Firebender x ???

Hey guys, just anted to say that if you want, you can request one shots. Also dm me if you want to be tagged to be updated with this series.

Also the parts are somewhat long because I try to fit a whole episode in each part.

Prologue       Part 1

PART 2

A few days ago we left the Northern Air Temple, so much happened in the little time we stayed there. I was starting to get along with everyone, except for Sokka that is, we always seem to argue and maybe it's because he hates me??? Because I was Fire Nation, but that's my past. Anyways, the people living in the air temple gifted me a new set of clothes and even warm coats for my journey to the North. I am so thankful for them.

We are now headed towards the North Pole so Aang and Katara can find a water bending master.

"I'm not one to complain, but can't Appa fly any higher?" Sokka says indeed complaining.

Appa does seem tired, we're getting lower and lower to the ocean.

"I have an idea-" Aang says looking back "-why don't we all get on your back and you can fly us to the North Pole?"

"I'd love to! Climb on everyone-" he wiggles his butt at everyone "-Sokka's ready for takeoff!"

Momo jumps up on Sokka in response to his invitation.

"Look, we're all just a little tired and cranky because we've been flying for two days straight." I tell them and Katara agrees.

"And for what?" Sokka exclaims "We can't even find the Northern Water Tribe. There's nothing up here."

Suddenly a noise is heard up ahead. Ice is moving rapidly towards Appa. We all scream and Aang pulls Appa's reigns and avoids the ice, but almost tips us all off the saddle. Appa then moves as another jet of ice erupts out of the waves, but this one slams into Appa's underside, who drops in an uncontrolled spin into the water. Out of the icebergs several ornate wooden skiffs come to surround us.

"They're waterbenders! We found the Water Tribe! " She shouts with excitement.

------------------------------------------------------------

Aang gets up " There it is! "

"The Northern Water Tribe..." Katara continues

"We're finally here..." i whisper in awe.

The water benders leads us into their village and through the canals.

The city is loaded with beautiful streams, waterfalls and fountains. They pass another boat with a waterbender and a beautiful young Water Tribe woman with white hair, Sokka focuses on her, blushes and tried to follow her by running down Appa's tail.

"This place is beautiful." Katara says

"Yeah, she is." Sokka replied while looking dreamily at the girl from the boat.

I roll my eyes and look away. From what Katara told me, it seemed to me like he was friendly with a girl from Kyoshi Island a few weeks ago. I start to chuckle.

Sokka turns to me with a serious face "What's your deal?"

"Oh nothing nothing" I wave him off.

Later on we were invited to see the Chief because he wanted to celebrate the Avatars arrival. Katara and I finished getting ready and met up with the boys outside as we started to head out towards their palace.

--------------------------------------------

We arrive and we take our seats at the table, Katara to my right and Sokka to my left.

I'm admiring everything around us until i hear Sokka whisper.

"You should probably keep to yourself that you're a fire bender-"Wow is he trying to look out for me- " we don't want you scaring people off and ruining the mood if everything"

Ouch. How can he say that? I feel my skin starting to get hot as I was starting to turn that sadness into anger and noticed I was starting to melt a hole on the table and I quickly took my hands away.

"And what's the deal with you literally burning up like some-" Sokka was gonna continue but the Chief was about to speak.

"Tonight, we celebrate the arrival of our brother and sister from the Southern Tribe, and they have brought with them someone very special, someone whom many of us believed disappeared from the world until now. The Avatar! We also celebrate my daughter's 16th birthday. Princess Yue is now of marrying age.

Princess Yue is walking towards us.

Sokka looks at her with wide eyes.

"Thank you, father. May the great Ocean and Moon Spirits watch over us during these troubled times."

"Now, Master Pakku and his students will perform! " the Chief indicates.

As the waterbending show continues, a figure walks behind us and sits down next to Sokka. It’s Princess Yue.

"Hi, there. Sokka, Southern Water Tribe. " He says trying to act all cool.

Princess Yue smiles and bows slightly "Very nice to meet you."

"So... uh... you're a Princess!” She nods and smiles “You know, back in my tribe, I'm kinda like a Prince myself!" He says

I just couldn't hold it in " Ha! Prince of what? "

Now an angry Sokka looking back at me "A lot of things! Uh, do you mind? I'm trying to have a conversation here!"

With a smirk on my face I mock a bow "My apologies, Prince Sokka."

Sokka turns to Yue and attempts to flirt by asking her to do an "activity" or something. What the spirits

Very smooth.

------------------------------------------------

It's the morning and I'm left alone to wander around the town. Aang and Katara are getting trained, Sokka went to find the princess and I am currently walking up a mountain of ice so I can be high enough to feel the Sun and do some meditation.

I come back to our place at nightfall to see everyone except Sokka is back.

"What did you do today Y/N? Practice your fire bending?" asked Aang.

"No, I was told to not even try that while I'm here, so I just did some meditating"

"What? Who told you that?" Aang asked me seriously concerned "Momo I told you to be nice"

"Don't worry” I laughed  “it wasn't Momo and I understand"

Sokka walks in all mopey.

"How's warrior training going?" Katara asked.

In response Sokka kicks a bag on the floor in anger, falls to his knees, and then flops on the bag, using it as a pillow.

"That bad?" Aang asks him.

"No, it's Princess Yue. I don't get it. One minute she wants to go out with me and the next she's telling me to get lost! So how's waterbending training?"

I sit up excited to hear about how it went, but Katara flops onto her sleeping bag, depressed.

“Master Poophead won't teach her because she's a girl." Aang replied.

"Why don't you just teach her, Aang? " I suggest.

Katara raises her head with a smile "Why didn't I think of that? At night, you can teach whatever moves you learned from Master Pakku. That way you have someone to practice with and I get to learn waterbending. Everyone's happy!"

"I'm not happy." Sokka cuts in

"But you're never happy. Come on, Aang."

They go off.

"Hey Y/N, I’ve been thinking about it and I'm sorry about what I said yesterday. It isn’t fair to you. It's just, we've never had a good experience with fire benders. Katara and I personally, we lost our mother because of the Fire Nation..."

I just listen to his story without saying a word until he finished. He tells me about how his mother died and how they are being constantly chased by the Fire Nation because of Aang.

"Look Sokka, I understand the fear and the hate, I really do. I know how dangerous and destructive fire bending and the Fire Nation can be. When I was young, my parents died giving their life for the Fire Nation and so I was raised by my grandfather Jeong Jeong. Growing up I had many try to train me fire bending but they all quit on me because my fire bending was ‘too different’ and at times ‘out of control’. They thought of it as a weakness for the Nation and their pride.....You've seen it first hand, my emotions is like some kind of fuel to it. I burn up every time my feelings get strong and sometimes lose control over it."

"Yeah, like what happened back with Master Jeong Jeong after Aang burned Katara" Sokka recalls.

"Yeah, I end up hurting the people I care about" I look down and take a deep breath before I continue "With time my grandfather realized how wrong the Nation was and their beliefs and decided to escape with me. We barely made it out alive. My grandfather later trained me to have some control over my bending through meditation. He says I'm more powerful than I realize, and that that's why the Nation didn't want me, because they were afraid or something...but now he's gone too."

"Hey, you have us now. We'll be your family and we can help you." He reassures.

"Thanks Sokka. You did have a point though, I should try to keep myself under cover because if the Fire Nation finds out who I am, then we'll be an even bigger target."

"Yeah, we'll protect you Y/N. I promise" he smiles.

Suddenly Aang and Katara comes in with a face with mixed emotions. They sit down and tell us what happened when they tried to train and how Master Pakku caught them and kicked Aang out from his training. We decided to go the next morning to talk to the chief and try to negotiate.

---------------------------------------------

"What do you want me to do?" says Chief Arnook "Force Master Pakku to take Aang back as his student?"

"Yes – please!" I try to reason for them.

"I suspect he might change his mind if you (looking at Katara) swallow your pride and apologize to him." He says.

"Fine." Katara says clearly unhappy.

"I'm waiting, little girl." Master Pakku smugly says.

"No! No way am I apologizing to a sour old man like you!" As Katara speaks, cracks open in the floor beneath her. She ends up by pointing directly at Master Pakku, her finger almost in his face.

"Uh, Katara..." Aang begins to say

Katara has a look of challenge on her face "I'll be outside – if you're man enough to fight me!"

You can hear a group of gasps

"I'm sure she didn't mean that." I try to say.

"Yeh, I think she did." Sokka replies.

We start to go after Katara this is halfway down the steps of the palace.

"Are you crazy, Katara? You're not gonna win this fight!" Sokka tries to knock some sense into her.

Katara takes off her coat and throws it at Sokka, hitting him in the face "I know! I don't care!"

"You don't have to do this for me. I can find another teacher." Aang tries to reason

"I'm not doing it for you! Someone needs to slap some sense into that guy!" She tels them.

The boys look at me for some help.

"Guys She has a point, I mean if I had a chance to show my old teachers that I was worth bejng taught, I think I would have"

As we reach the bottom of the steps, Master Pakku appears.

"So, you decided to show up?" Katara starts to say but He walks past her "Aren't you gonna fight??

"Go back to the healing huts with the other women where you belong." He says without even glancing her way.

3rd POV

Insanely angry, Katara draws a water whip out of the ground and whips Pakku on the back on the neck. He stops

Master Pakku finally faces her " Fine. You want to learn to fight so bad, study closely! "

He begins to bend and Katara runs towards him but he flings her backwards.

Master Pakku mockingly says "Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you!"

Pakku creates a whirlpool and it begins to constrict, but before Katara is knocked back down she swings her arm, almost as if she were swinging a baseball bat, deflecting the wall of water off on a different trajectory. Cut to a shot of the spectators, including Aang and Sokka. The errant wall of water hits Sokka

“OW!”

Katara runs at him with a water whip. He raises a ramp of ice in front of her which she slides up and then back flips off, landing neatly on the guardrail of the citadel steps behind him. Pakku liquefies the ramp and throws it at her while catching her feet in ice. The wave breaks around Katara, however, as she bends it out of the way.

"You can't knock me down!" She says

The crowd formed starts to cheer

"Go Katara!" Aang shouts.

"You got this Katara!" Y/N encourages.

The fight goes on and Master Pakku is still decided on not teaching Katara.

Katara now standing in front of Pakku, but Master pakku sends shards of ice towards her, the shards land closely all around her. She is trapped. She struggles in vain against her prison of ice, her hands and arms unable to move.

Master Pakku walks towards her "This fight is over."

"Come back here! I'm not finished yet!" Katara yells.

"Yes, you are." he replied. He stops in surprise, picking up the necklace that fell from Katara's neck during the fight.

"This is my necklace!" He says with wonder.

"No it's not, it's mine! Give it back!" She tells him."

"I made this sixty years ago – for the love of my life." He continued saying.

Katara's ice prison liquefies behind him, freeing her "For Kana."

"My Gran-Gran was supposed to marry you?" Katara says in awe.

Master Pakku still holding the necklace, sadly says "I carved this necklace for your grandmother when we got engaged. I thought we would have a long, happy life together. I loved her."

"But she didn't love you, did she? It was an arranged marriage." Katara says.

The Princess' eyes water.

Katara walks up to Pakku "Gran-Gran wouldn't let your tribe's stupid customs run her life. That's why she left. It must have taken a lot of courage."

Proncess Yue begins to cry openly and runs away.

"Go get her." Y/N tells Sokka and nod to her direction.

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Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please like and reblog. Also follow me if you are a big fan of ATLa because I want to follow back others with the same interests.

[quickspinner]

MLHolidays2k19 22. Snowman

Part 1 (18. Elves) Part 2 (19. Naughty or Nice) Part 3 (eek how did this happen)

One more part planned, but it’ll probably job on New Year’s Eve, for reasons that should become obvious.

Part 5 is up now!

It was a surprise snowy day in Paris. A couple inches lay on the ground and the city was losing its collective mind. Luka, however, wasn’t inclined to cancel his plans today, so he bundled his little niece up, promised her mothers he would make sure she stayed warm, shouldered a backpack full of all the nonsense the girls made him carry when he went out with Angie, and took her to Place des Vogues as he’d planned.

They’d been at the park for about fifteen minutes when Luka heard his name called and turned to find Marinette waving at him, carefully stepping through the snow. Luka smiled and waved back.

She was still cute as hell, wrapped up in a big grey puffy jacket with a hood lined with white fleece, making her blue eyes look bright and huge in her sweet face. She wore a fluffy pink scarf and pink mittens, her cheeks and nose were pink with the wind, and he was absolutely not going to look at her lips to see if they matched. 

He turned away to check on Angie, who was fascinated with the footprints she left in the snow and was paying no attention to him whatsoever. Luka had been texting with Marinette over the last couple of days, but this was the first time he’d seen her in person since their dinner together and he was nervous. Before he’d gotten her note, he’d played that night over and over again in his mind, swinging between anger at himself for being so stupid, frustration with her for shutting him out without talking to him, and depression at the whole situation. He still wasn’t sure why he’d acted the way he had, honestly. He was impulsive occasionally, but in ways that resulted in unique experiences and funny stories to tell later, not jumping women he’d just met. Normally, he would have noticed that she was uncomfortable much sooner. 

All he had come up with in all his thinking was that maybe that night he just hadn’t felt like being careful. Maybe he’d been feeling a little bit reckless on his first real night out after being cooped up taking care of Jules and Rose and Angie. He’d been feeling down and lonely even before they fell sick and maybe deep down he’d felt like he’d earned a little hedonistic selfishness. Maybe it was just bad timing that he’d met Marinette in that mood. 

Don’t fuck it up, Juleka’s voice said in his head, and Luka sighed and tried to summon a genuine smile to greet Marinette.

It was easier than he expected, once he faced her bright eyes and cheerful expression. “Hi,” he said. “Glad you could make it.” He turned to Angie. “Can you say hi to Miss Marinette?” Luka prompted. 

“Hi Miss Ma-ee-nette,” Angie chirped without looking up from the trail of footprints she was meticulously laying out in the snow. 

Luka took a deep breath. “Listen, I know I said this over text already, but I just wanted to tell you in person, I’m really sorry about last time. I overstepped and I made you uncomfortable and I really can’t even express how sorry I am. Thank you for being willing to come out with me again. I had a really great time with you, and I hate that it ended the way it did.”

“Oh,” Marinette said, chinks turning a little pinker. “Well, I—thank you for saying that. Really, it’s forgiven, and I’m sorry too, I know it must have been confusing, after I kissed you back—“

“No,” he interrupted. “I didn’t give you a chance to think, you reacted in the moment and you rolled with it and there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re allowed to change your mind and you don’t owe me any explanations.” 

Marinette nodded slowly. “I’m still sorry for ditching you without saying anything. If I hadn’t just chickened out maybe—well. We both made mistakes, and as far as I’m concerned, we have a clean slate.” She held out her hand. “Okay?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he said, but he took her hand. “Thank you.” He felt her squeeze lightly and then let go. “I’m glad you came,” he said, sticking his hands in his pockets and turning to watch Angie. “You’re a brave soul to venture out in all this.” He nodded to the grey sky. 

“I used to come play here every time it snowed,” Marinette giggled. “I wouldn’t miss it. I’m grateful for the excuse.” 

Luka opened his mouth to reply when Angie suddenly came running back to him.

“Unca Loo-ka,” Angie said, tugging at his pant leg. “Nowman!” she pointed to the older kids who were currently on their knees, building a small snowman. She hugged his knee. “Nowman!”

“Yes, they’re building a snowman,” Luka agreed. “Do you want to build a snowman?” he asked, winking at Marinette when she giggled. “You have no idea how many times she’s made me sing that song,” he whispered.

“Nowman!” Angie bounced. “Wanna build a nowman!”

“Okay,” Luka said, pulling gloves out of his pocket. “Let’s build a snowman.” He grinned at Marinette. “You in?”

Marinette giggled. “Sure.” 

It turned out it was hard to stay tense when you were building a snowman—just a small one, since they only had a few inches of snow to work with. They were almost finished when Marinette excused herself and zipped out of the park. 

He was starting to be afraid she’d ditched them when she reappeared with a satisfied smile on her face. 

“Every snowman needs accessories!” she giggled, holding up a handful of buttons and a baby carrot.

“Where did you get all that?” Luka asked, amused (and relieved). 

“My secret,” she said, wrinkling her nose at him (so cute). She knelt in the snow and held the buttons out to Angie. “What color do you want to make his eyes?”

“There’s boo! There’s boo buttons and there’s a geen button and a red button—“

“Yes, Miss Marinette brought you lots of colors. Which ones are you going to choose?” Luka interrupted gently. 

Angie picked two different shades of blue, and Marinette helped her put them in the snowman’s face, along with the little baby carrot nose. The remaining rainbow of buttons went down his front. Then both girls looked to Luka for approval, beaming, and their combined cuteness left him unable to do much more than offer a thumbs up. He pulled his phone out and whistled sharply to get Angie’s attention. 

“Oh, Jules is gonna love that,” he chuckled, turning it so Marinette could look.

“You should’ve warned me, I would have moved,” Marinette blushed.

“I didn’t want you to move,” he said simply. “Besides, by the time you did Angie would have lost interest and wandered off.” He gestured towards the little toddler, who was back to marching in the fresh snow so she could look at her footprints. “I’ll delete it if it really bothers you, but you both look really cute, and you’re adorable together.” Her eyes widened slightly and her face went red and Luka cringed. “Sorry. Too much?”

“What? No! I mean, it’s fine, I can—I can take a compliment really.” She was turning pinker by the minute. 

Luka bit back laughter and couldn’t help teasing her just a little. “Are you sure?” She gasped in outrage and he added, “You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.” She went from pink to red and he couldn’t keep the laugh back anymore. 

The pout she gave him just made him laugh harder. Eventually she couldn’t help giggling too, shoving him playfully. 

“You’re awful,” she told him.

“I’m honest,” he chuckled. “Really.” The last of their laughter died away and they were left staring at each other with dopey grins on their faces. He wanted to touch her, to lift his hand and brush away the snowflakes landing on her cheek, but he didn’t dare.

Luka cleared his throat and turned away. “Angie, can you say thank you to Miss Marinette?”

“Tank you, Miss Ma-ee-nette!” 

“You’re so welcome, sweetie,” Marinette cooed. “Oh, Luka she’s just so cute.” Then she looked at him and blushed. “Um, are you guys getting hungry? I know a good place to get something to eat and the best hot chocolate in Paris!”

“How can I resist that?” Luka answered, hopefully not too quickly. “Lunchtime, Angie.” 

“Lunch!” Angie cried, turning and running towards them. “Wanna have lunch!” 

“Woah,” Luka said, catching her before she ran right past him. “Hang on, tiger, at least hold my hand.” He took Angie’s hand, even though it meant he had to walk stooped over a bit.

Marinette giggled. “Will she let me? I’m shorter.”

That would certainly save him some aches and pains. “Angie, can Miss Marinette hold your hand?”

Angie thought about it for a second and then reached up to take Marinette’s hand. 

Marinette smiled broadly. “Well all right then. Follow me!” 

They made their slow way through the still-falling snow out of the park and across the street to a white building whose scrolling gold window decorations declared it to be a bakery. Marinette opened the door for them and motioned them in. Luka kicked his boots on the doorstep to try and knock some of the snow off, and picked up Angie so she wouldn’t track anything, propping her on his hip. He barely had time to take in the very pink but otherwise elegant bakery interior before Marinette dodged around him, calling, “Hi Maman! I brought some friends!”

“Hello again, Marinette,” the smiling woman at the counter said, looking up. “These are your friends? Welcome to Tom and Sabine’s,” she said politely to Luka and Angie, and then her professional smile widened into something more genuine as she waved at Angie. “I’m Sabine.”  

“Nice to meet you, I’m Luka and this is my niece Angelique,” he replied. “Can you say hi, Angie?”

“Hi Angie,” Angie repeated obediently, and Luka sighed as both women giggled. 

“Angie, can you say hi?” he tried again, and got the desired response this time. He grinned at Marinette. “You’d think eventually I’d remember to say it the right way. So this is where you disappeared to?”

“Surprise,” Marinette giggled. “I grew up here, so I just popped over and let Maman and Papa know we’d be by.”

“Tom’s in the back at the ovens at the moment,” Sabine told him, “But you’re very welcome.”

Luka was trying to figure out how to respond to that when Angie startled him by leaning out of his arms, so that he had to move quick to keep her from falling as she reached a hand toward a brightly colored display case full of treats. “Num nums! Want num nums!” 

“Oh, no,” Luka grunted, levering her back against him. “Not until after lunch, baby.” 

“Num nums! Num nums, Miss Ma-nette!” Angie turned pleadingly towards the other adult present, abandoning him as hopeless instantly. 

“Oh, you heard Uncle Luka,” Marinette wagged her finger. “Num nums after lunch.”

Angie paused to consider. “Lunch. Want lunch, Unca Loo-ka! Lunch!” 

“She’s a smart one,” Marinette giggled, as Luka rolled his eyes. “Come on, I set up something upstairs earlier. Thanks for hosting us, Maman,” she added, pausing to kiss her mother on the cheek.

“We’re always happy to see you, dear,” Sabine smiled. “It was nice to meet you two. Bye bye!” she waved at Angie, who recognized this cue and chirped “Bye bye!” in return. 

“I’d forgotten you told me your parents owned a bakery,” Luka commented as he followed Marinette upstairs. “I think I’ve been here before in fact.”

Marinette giggled. “Best pastries in Paris if you ask me.”

They all shed coats and boots, and soon Luka was sitting at the tall kitchen table with Angie in his lap, shredding savory pastries into bite size pieces for her as he chatted with Marinette.

They were falling into that same easy, natural conversation they’d had before. Before long, Angie fell asleep with a piece of pastry still in her hand, and Luka laid her gently on the couch and before returning to sit at the table again as Marinette moved around the kitchen preparing two mugs of hot chocolate. He tried not to watch the sway of her hips or the back of her neck between her pigtails or the flash of her wrists beneath the long sleeves of her sweater. He took a deep breath and looked at his hands until Marinette slid a mug over into them. 

“Thank you,” he smiled. She smiled back and for a moment they just sat quietly, sipping their hot chocolate. “That is good,” he grinned, and she winked at him. 

It was all incredibly comfortable and domestic. He wondered if this was how Juleka felt every morning and felt a stab of envy. Not that he regretted anything, but he was starting to think maybe…

“Luka?” Marinette leaned forward and looked up into his face. “Are you all right.” 

“Yeah,” he chuckled. “I’m...really happy, actually. So, um...tell me about how you met Juleka.” 

Her eyes brightened and her smile widened and her whole face became animated as she told the story, and if there was any part of him that wasn’t already taken with her, that moment was enough to finish him. 

“I’m doing all the talking,” she sighed, resting her cheek on her hand, and Luka had never felt Shakespeare in his heart until just that moment. 

“I don’t mind,” Luka told her, but then he sighed. “I should really get Angie home,” Luka said, getting down from the table. “Jules will start to wonder if we’re not back.” Marinette got up and helped him gather Angie’s things to put in his backpack. “Thanks for coming out with us, and inviting us into your family’s home,” he said as he put his coat on. “I—I really like spending time with you, Marinette. I’d really like to do something like this again. Maybe just you and me, next time.” He grinned. “I mean I love Angie, but—” He stopped himself just before he said something unfortunate about needing more adult entertainment.

“Um,” Marinette looked down, playing with one pigtail. “Actually, my friend Alya, the one I was volunteering with? She’s throwing a party tomorrow for New Year’s Eve, and, um—” she paused, and looked up at his face. “I was wondering if you’d like to go with me?”

“I’d love to,” he blurted, before his brain caught up with him. “Ah, wait, I have a gig.”

“Oh, of course you would,” Marinette laughed, turning pink. “I should have thought of that. Of course people would want a band on New Years Eve, it must be a big night for you...” 

“Hang on, hang on,” Luka said, pulling his phone out of his pocket to check the details. “I know we’re not playing until midnight, they have a headliner they’re bringing in and we’re just the opener, so…I could maybe come after, if that’s okay? I mean I totally understand if that’s too late, you could probably get another date—”

“No, no, I wasn’t going to ask anybody else, I just thought—I mean, if you want to come after that would be fine? It’s at the Grand Paris Hotel. Alya’s mom works there so she was able to get Alya a room for the party.”

“Oh, that works,” Luka said in surprise. “I’m playing the big party down in the grand ballroom, so if you just let me know what room, I can come right after I’m done.” He smiled at her. “I’ll be done at maybe 10:30?” 

“Perfect,” Marinette smiled. “I’ll be waiting.” 

“Okay,” he said, with a slow grin. “I’ll be there.” 

“Okay,” she repeated, and then she blushed and rose up on her toes to kiss his cheek. “I had a good time today. Be safe on the way home, okay?”

He was a grown man and should not be tongue-tied by such a little thing. “See you soon, Marinette,” he managed, and maybe if he hadn’t been an idiot once already, he might have asked to kiss her for real, to feel her cheek under his hand and her soft lips under his.

As it was, he just curled his fingers closed at his side and smiled, and picked his sleeping niece up off the couch, tucking her under his coat. Marinette helped him zip it up over them both, and with a quick goodbye to her mother, Luka slipped out, a smile on his face and a strange fizzing in his veins. If it hadn’t been for Angie sleeping in his arms, he might have run all the way home. 

@worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry

[allthefandomsyoucanaskfor]

ONWARD SHORT STORY 2

Ian, Barley, Akina and Juno story

First meetings

The wooden table pressed smoothly on Akina's face. Her cheek smeared against the small pool of water, thankfully it gave her an excuse for why her face was wet. Tonight was supposed to be one of the best nights of the school year, Home-coming. It was a can't-miss-event for every single student in school.

And Akina was sitting down on the cafeteria tables pushed to the sides of the walls, and watching her best friend, Juno Startstruck, who was currently coming back to the table with food and drinks.

Her voice made a chime in her ear.

"Hey there, waterworks... Do need napkins with your pizza?"

"Sure it's better than this whole week. Teachers are getting laying work and lessons pretty harsh now."

"Nah, you're only saying that because you get this gloomy after visiting your dad on Saturday." Even when Juno said something that could put Akina right back into a depressive state, but she his the expressions of sadness pretty well.

Pfft... If you ever meet my dad, tell him I said "Don't ever go back to jail! Cause I am getting tired of visiting....but it'll break his heart to stay so.".

I know it's pretty rough right now, but maybe tommorow or even next week, maybe you'll be in his arms! Well....while he isn't in jail of course." Juno chuckled. "You might actually want to start to start eating your food, it is going to get cold. Also do you want to hit the Burgershire after this?" Juno's eyes gleamed hopefully, making Akina think nothing could go wrong.

Or she, at least she hoped so.

"BRB, I have to use the bathroom. Also I have some friends who will come over after a this song ends. " And with that she left, leaving a mental countdown for Akina to go back into her depressed state.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is taking Juno so long? It has been at least five minutes, and on another note I still haven't finished this.... What am I eating? Oh yeah..... Pizza. Olives! I can't believe the school bought that instead of Pepperoni. And who are the friends Juno was talki g about?

Akina had, you guessed it, was in depressive state once again. But now she was crying, which was surely to draw the attention, she didn't want, but soon will get with the tears. She felt awful. Worse dreadful. The amidst of music and laughter didn't make her feel any better.

A voice then chimed in her left ear.

"Hey there, waterworks. Ya need a hanky?"

With effort, Akina slowly turned her head slughishly over her shoulder to spare a glance. A stocky, burly Elf with Hazel eyes was eyeing her with thinly masked concern. Beside his was a thin, skinny Elf with light Brown eyes had a very genuinely concerned look on his face, had offered a small napkin toward her face.

"......Sorry, no can do." Akina grumbled. "I am too busy wallowing in self pity."

"Well anybody with eyes can see that." The stockier Elf had gently out a hand on Akina's back. "You seemed to having an awful night between the wet stains on your face and the fact you haven't had a drink of water all night. You could end up sick, which would be a shame since you're at a cool shin-dig like this." The Elf had sat down on her right.

Akina didn't give another look and towards his direction and looked the other way. Which made the other Elf sit on her right.

She was trapped. Then she turned her body over to the Elf on her right.

"Akina. Akina Coloratura."

"Barley. Barley Lightfoot. And that happens to be my brother, Iandore Lightfoot. But most people call him Ian."

Akina had turned her body over to Ian and gave a small wave, who gave another one back.

"To be honest the reason we're over here is because Juno said she would introduce us to you. So where is she?"

"In the bathroom. She left sometime ago and now I don't what is taking her so long." Akina mumbled.

"Oh, so now that we know who you and where's, Juno let's get down to the "why"!

Akina had placed her under her arms and begin to shyly mumble again. "Um, so, what's the "why"?"

"Why were you crying?" Ian had piped up suddenly, making Akina slightly jump.

"......I don't want to talk about it." And between Barley, who strangely had a huge sense of confidence and Ian who had seemed like a quiet kid had went out of his way to talk to her made her even more shyer.

Akina's were flicked back and her eyes looked to the ground.

"It's ok." Ian rose his hands in defense. "Juno just wanted to make sure you would be having a good time! And if you wanted to dance for a bit!"

Akina scowled. "I don't care what she told you about me, nor am I in the mood for jokes or dancing!" She took a long sip of her soda. "Not after my visit on Saturday."

"Is that what got ya down in the dumps? Sorry but sometimes people have bad days. It's your choice of how you use your emotions!" Barley explained gently.

Akina sulked, glaring into the almost full soda can. ".....I just don't think life is great right now. Everytime I do my once-every-few-months-visits, I just get all sad, mopey and extra depressed of how life is. I just wish he was hear, ya know what I mean? The one person you need the most in your life, and he's not there." Akina grew silent, and she swallowed hard on her breath- and just for a second you could a glisten in her eyes.

Ian and Barley looked sadly over to her, and Ian had extended his hand to rest softly on her shoulder. "We both know how ya feel."

Akina gave a looked of small unsureness and possible hope, then all three of them went silent. The music, seemed like it had no sound and that it was just a void of noise in the entire cafeteria. And before any of them got a chance to say anything to one another, Juno had reappeared in the small, uncomfortable scene.

"I am So sorry I took so long! A Cyclops girl needed help with finding something she lost in the bathroom and we couldn't find it anywhere! But then she looked under the toilet and their is was.....and what's wrong with y'all?" Juno saw three unsure and melancholic faces facing towards the table, phone or the ground.

So she had to think fast.

"Guys, if y'all want, we can go dancing now, ok? If that's alright with everyone."

Akina had a stroke of realization. "O-o-of course! Ya know what i'm actually done with being depressed for the night! It shouldn't be able to hurt my good time!" For some reason Akina had perked up and her happiness had skyrocketed. "Well if you two will join us?" She looked over at the Lightfoot brothers, who was looking at the now boisterous girl.

"Uhhhh, yeah! That actually sounds pretty good." Ian said as he and Barley got up from the folded cafeteria table.

"Ok good, let's go!" Akina smiled at them.

Ian returned the smile, and Akina felt something. It was a small flicker in her body - a spark of actual courage and warm reassurance - and she felt that everything, maybe, will turn out alright, despite all of the gloominess and lonesome feelings she had just a moment ago.

She then realized that the spark - was the churning, warm, full - body feeling was.

While walking down to the dance floor, Akina turned towards both brothers.

"Sorry for being difficult and emotional moments before.... So with that, would you be open to uh ... To maybe hangout sometime?" Akina was desperately trying to not look down.

" It's ok Akina, we were just making sure you would have a good time, and yes, we can hangout." Ian rubbed the back at his head.

"Maybe we can snag some Fries at the Fry Fortress?" Barley had gently placed a hand on Akina's shoulder.

Akina smiled, warm and genuine. "....I think I'd like that very much, Iandore and Barley Lightfoot."

And once again a small smile was returned and Akina felt that spark again. But this time she was so sure everything was everything would be alright.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ya know what y'all? Maybe things will turn out right for these guys in the future.

[pisati]

had another therapy appointment tonight and I knew I was going to cry over something stupid

it’s honestly embarrassing talking about shit that I know I can talk about openly and suddenly I’m tearing up like it’s super painful for me

involuntary embarrassing reactions aside I have a good bit to think on for the next week

primarily that I likely do have exceedingly high expectations of myself, and while that may have been started by other people having high expectations of me, it’s really impacted my mental state bc I do feel like I’ve failed in many ways despite knowing I’ve been very successful overall

I take things way too hard and I’m way harder on myself than I should be. I know that my fuck-ups at work were brought to my attention so I could be aware and could fix them. that’s it. I wasn’t being reprimanded, I wasn’t being put on probation; if it were something that serious they would’ve said so. it was something to take seriously, of course, but it wasn’t that serious. and here I am literally getting chest pains stressing about watching myself like a hawk all day at work so I don’t fuck up again bc I’m scared it’ll keep happening and some ind of reprimanding will happen. I don’t think I catastrophize but I do worry a lot, and probably a lot more than I’m aware of.

it’s possible that my depression is more impactful than I thought. I guess we’ll be getting more into that next week but despite being high-functioning my therapist thinks it’s impacting my physical health. I know it’s not helping, but I don’t think it’s impacting me that much. I don’t know. 

I know a lot of my past is going to start coming up and I’m going to have to unpack a lot of the shit that’s been a strain on my relationship with my mom. I’m not looking forward to being told I should probably talk to my mom about it. I don’t want to. but the way she’s been towards me my whole life... that’s probably why I have such ridiculous expectations of myself. her punishing me and blowing up on me disproportionately for the stupidest shit when I was younger is probably why I’m always bracing for the worst over tiny fuck ups and taking it all out on myself. her taking out her stress on me when I was younger and invading my privacy and being so flip-floppy was so confusing and stressful and I just feel like I can’t be close to her. there’s so much I don’t feel like I can trust her with and it’s hard for me to feel like I can’t even have that maternal support in my life. I’m going to start crying talking about this shit too.

I was trying to explain how I felt like I could have done better in school. like I generally knew what I was doing, but I felt like my abilities were cut short by my own brain function. I know I could have done better if my brain could’ve just gotten its shit together. but it’s so hard to explain that. everyone thinks they can do better. she asked if it was possible that that was the best I could do, and I just... I really don’t think so. but I have to wonder. what if it was? what if I just can’t deal with the idea that I’m not smart enough and I’m just not cut out for academia? I tried to explain that I did do a PhD course at the start of my 3rd year in my major, and I did a lot more advanced shit than anyone else in my year; I did way more than I even thought I would, what with research and scholarships and whatever else I did. I did a lot, and don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of myself. but I just couldn’t meet my own expectations. I didn’t think they were that far out of reach. I really do feel like I could have gotten things better if my brain would just fucking work. but was that my limit?  maybe I was a little jealous of the people in my year that couldn’t come up with good answers in class graduating summa cum laude when I got one C in semantics and that seriously impacted my GPA. I thought I wanted to go to grad school, and actually what had me crying this time was telling my therapist that I’m seeing people in my department going on to do really cool things and going to grad school and being celebrated by the department and I feel like that could’ve been me too. I don’t like the idea that maybe I really wasn’t good enough. who would? but am I trying to deflect blame by saying I could’ve done better if it weren’t for my health? or was I actually limited by my health? I keep trying to emphasize that I’m not saying I can’t do things because I’m trying to limit myself. it’s that I know my limits and graduate school right now is just beyond that. I got a taste of what that entails and I know I can’t do it right now, and I’m scared I won’t ever be able to. it’s so hard to explain how it feels beyond “trying to get my brain together”. it felt like it took so much effort to read even simple experimental papers for class; to make the words make sense together and make the sentences form a context and extract understanding from there. “but is it possible those papers were just difficult?” I mean, yeah. it is possible. but I really do feel like I could have gotten it. I don’t think it would’ve been beyond me if I didn’t get exhausted after reading a few sentences. it’s so hard to explain brain fog and slowed cognitive function to someone who’s probably never dealt with it. I was told this therapist had experience with chronic illness, but it’s almost starting to feel like she doesn’t really believe me either. 

we also went over my eating and sleeping habits. like I have many, many times with many other people. I can explain to hell and back how it doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, I’m always exhausted. my diet isn’t great, sometimes I am lacking in vitamins, but supplements don’t help. this isn’t because my diet isn’t great. there are people that I KNOW eat worse than me, and drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes and weed and drink coffee, and they’re in better physical shape than I am. how my crashes are unpredictable and sometimes I can push through them, and I don’t need to nap to recover from a crash. I just roll with everything as it comes and deal best I can. no doctors have been able to help me at this point. I’m not a typical case of anything, and because of that people always try to fit me into a box. I want a word for it too, but I really don’t think that word is depression. I was depressed long before this started, but even before my depression became obvious and my health started going all fucky I was a bubbly, vibrant kid. maybe I am high-functioning, but I don’t think the price I’m paying for that is all these crashes. and it’s not just the crashes. it’s restless sleep for 8 years. it’s alcohol and medication intolerance. it’s pain and brain fog and... I can’t even think of what else. “those are also symptoms of depression” like I know that but I just.... I really don’t think that’s it. I’m on meds for my depression and they’ve helped my moods but guess who’s still physically declining? 

much to think about. I guess. I don’t really know what to make of it right now. what I do know is that I’ve been the same amount of tired all day from the minute I woke up til now, despite taking two crash naps today. I have to be up semi early for my telepsychiatry appointment in the morning. going to the pain doctor again for my shots. tomorrow’s mom’s birthday, so I need to do something for that too I guess. mom’s boyfriend invited us out for dinner at the barn in mom’s neighborhood, or if it’s raining maybe we can do dinner there. ~socially distanced~. maybe while I’m out for my doctor’s I can pick her up something. I fucked up and only planned her mother’s day gift, didn’t think to make a birthday one, despite knowing her birthday is like 2 weeks after mother’s day. every year, man. she did ask me to make 3 more masks for her and I did. took way longer than it should have though, my machine’s fucking up and I’m seriously tempted to buy myself a cheap singer one just to do my little projects. I know mine needs a tune-up, it’s a really nice, expensive machine, and I don’t want to wreck it by pushing it. there’s so much I don’t know about sewing and machines.

anyway. blah blah. bedtime I guess

[jollyviscreal666]

The Chef

I had refrained from entering the formulas to the CIA operatives and sending them out. I knew that there would be no suitable outcomes prior to a transaction such as this. Sure they could threaten me, charge me with international fraud and national product alteration. They could do so many more things more powerful, but they won’t. Not when I have the recipes. They are currently hidden, and only I know their whereabouts. It makes them so frustrated, but they have to play my game if they ever want my formulas and recipes. They will play. I know they will. There is no other way. I made sure of it.

Let’s take a gander at some of my backstory. I am Keith Benson, and I am a chef. I have more than just talent when it comes to cooking. I AM cooking talent, if you will. Most prefer to just simply say ‘best cook in the world’. I hate to boast, but there are no faults in that fact. Plain and simple.

When I prepare a meal, the sweltering sound of the pan leaves customers’ mouths watering in agonizing anticipation. They are salves to the presence of my cooking, and that’s only the sound. Imagine what goes through their heads when the aroma of my preparations enters their nostrils. The essence of ecstasy is immensely immersive when it comes to my preparations, and that’s only the preparation. Stage 1 if you will. Stage 2 is when the plate is placed in front of the guests or patrons. It’s that good. Everyone said so. I’ve never met anyone who said different.

One can only imagine what goes through the mind of the individuals who now are only moments away from satisfying the agony. It’s almost as if a layer of ecstasy has been ceased as it had existed. I’m only speaking from experience based on the input of former patrons and costumers. Stage 3 is the best by far. The accounts vary by person. There is nothing more I love than pleasing those who wish to have their stomach filled. The customers are the bread and butter. That is why I do everything to utilize my talents fully. There’s no feeling in the world better than watching someone fall in love with your very own dish.

I became very famous. Everyone wanted a bite. They’d pay hundreds for a full dish. No joke. I felt like my life was just a huge glop of ecstasy. Nothing ever slowed down. My rates were always high and I was very admired in the community. Everywhere I went, people followed. I became sort of a celebrity. I’ve been cooking ever since I was 8 years old. I realized about 2 years later that it was what I wanted to do in life. From then on, nothing but recipe after recipe, combinations after combinations, collaboration against collaboration.

When I was 13, I made my first cake from scratch. Surprisingly in an unlikely manner, my family fell in love with it. They commented on how accurate I was with the texture and flavor inputs of the cake when I set it all up. How could I forget that? It’s one of my greatest memories. I entered contests throughout junior high, and I won ¾. People were impressed.

I decided to buckle down and pursue my passion. I used the same idea, but based it on other foods. Most were successful at first. People thought I was talented at first, but they didn’t see me do equations and measurements accordingly with my baking and cooking tools. From there I met a famous chef who shared his secrets with me. This was after I graduated from college. He was French. At that point, I’d had baked, broiled, and fried over 1 million food meals. From there, I used my natural talent, and created my own recipes to food using what I’ve learned from master chefs, TO become THE master chef. Implying I’ve also had my own tricks as well.

Life was as I perceived it would be prior to my success. Unfortunately, that didn’t last very long. Everything took a turn when suddenly I realized I’ve been cooking up and baking the same ingredient combinations for the past 10 years. I’ve tried everything. I perfected everything. Regarding meat, the most famously known, essential food condiment, I’ve tried literally everything. Everything from hippo meat to indigenous African beetle meat. Hey, being the world’s master chef has its quantities. Even dog and cat meat.

That’s when the thought crossed my mind. I’ve never tried human meat. I’ve actually never tried human meat. It can’t be that bad. You can’t judge until you try it. For some unknown reason, I was particularly excited about the idea. Maybe it’s because I was somewhat depressed and I needed something new to fill my desires. Having nowhere to try it, nor no one to participate, I cut off my own finger. It was my first finger next to my thumb on my left hand. It hurt like hell but it was well worth it.

It was incredibly delicious for some reason, and all I did was fry it and broil it. The flesh was easy to peel off and the meat itself was freshly done. I consumed it and made the decision to adjoin the meat alongside my other famous recipe inventions. It increased the flavor of many of my swilling recipes. I added what I knew would make the best difference. I knew that human parts are actually good candidates for texture accumulation alongside flavor enhancers. I knew I could always take it a step ahead and the essence of the human larder could be used to enhance everything edible. Including the essence of my welfare prior to my soul in the universe.

I was once again filled with happiness and hope, believing I’ve found what I was missing in my life. Excitedly, I called two of the most prolific critiques in the food industry. They too showed moods of enthusiasm. Perhaps they longed for another one of my dishes. Well I had something for them, alright. I must refrain from telling you how I’d prepared these amazing meals. They’re watching me closely. All I can say is, I was in the mood to make quite an impression and I didn’t have a whole lot of time to do it. I cut my whole left hand off. I wasn’t prepared for the pain, almost impossible to block out no matter how many times I implied to myself that it was for a good cause. I had six hours to prepare the meal.

The procedure made me pass out twice, but I held my ground. I drilled a hole in the wall and inserted two inputs that connected to large looped bolts where I tied the thick Indian ropes. I connected them to other smaller bolts after inserting the smaller bolts into the large sturdy ropes. I tied the thinner smaller but more powerful ropes around my ankles, very tightly. I knew I was going to have to use a heated saw to cut it off, but I thought I could easily handle it after what I was about to do.

I drilled four more smaller holes to put a metal restraint with metal straps to hold down my arm. I had nothing to use but a premium butcher knife to cut my hand off. I put a spoon in my mouth to bite down when the pain started. 8 efficiently executed slashes in, the tip of the spoon was separated from the rest of the body. It hurt that bad. I looked for something else to bite down on immediately. I almost used my other arm. The head of the spoon was swallowed. I took no notice in it whatsoever. I still don’t know how I managed, but I just fainted a couple of seconds after my struggle.

The amount of blood spilled on the floor was apparently incredible, looking back on it. I woke up in a haze. Nearly a minute later, my pain receptors turned on again. I wailed in agony. I wanted to quit. I stood there for an hour hesitant to what my final decision would be. What I really wanted was to pass out again. So I luckily found another spare butcher knife (not as big as the one I was using) and used the handle to bite down on.

I resumed my task. I just focused on slicing through as hard and efficiently as possible. I tried so hard. I tried so hard to avoid coming to a stop. I had sweat covering me. I almost got in 5 slices. Almost. I passed out at the end of the fourth. This time for 4 hours instead of 2.

Realizing I only had about 30 minutes, I decided to quit. I needed to get to the hospital. I felt incredibly weak, as if something had drained all my body’s life support. I had overestimated myself. I dialed 911 and called for an ambulance. I told them my arm had gotten stuck in the mechanical absorbing meat grinding flattener. I quickly decided to put my nearly detached hand in the receiving area of the machine. 8 more slices would’ve done it. I had to drill holes and do the powerful rope attaching deal, but it worked out. I thought I’d lost so much blood there was none left. I was wrong. I believe the machine even took some of my skin above where I’d jammed the blade, about 4 inches.

I was taken to the hospital. I hid my hand in the freezer room. I was given a mechanical robotic prosthetic hand thanks to my income. I prepared the meal using the meat flattener/grinder. Then I used my special combinations which made the meat so much better. I named the dish “La Vaggia Della eta” because of its Italian style. I served it with my famous buttered fettuccine. Of course they fell in love and mentioned that I’d never failed to amaze them. They said it was the best meal they’ve ever tasted, no less by my hands!

I added my other famous meat recipes, but the most important ingredient to my success was the human meat. It gave it that special texture-like taste that you’d always swear you taste in a variation of a product, but to a much bigger scale!

I took to hiring hitmen on the deep web to kill random individuals I became acquainted with, and bring them to me. I prepared the meals monthly, then weekly, and finally, daily. I experimented with every organ, every tissue layer of the human anatomy. People were impressed that I could whip up such successful meals after so many years of the same stuff. And the best part was, it was good!! I went from millionaire to billionaire.

I even established my own corporation. I was head of it, of course. We sold nearly 8.9 billion products. Critics claimed that the products should be given the same respect and treatment as coca-cola itself. It was that good. I had 8 years of success and joy. Then came the final chapter of my life.

The elite health inspectors and chefs couldn’t help but to go digging. They loved my new dishes and products, but they needed to know how the hell I’d made it so good to get where I was now. Everything that good has to be discovered . I just wish they’d found out later. They hired a couple of scientists supposedly who worked for the FDA. It took them 4 months to find out what my special ingredient was. They were too busy eating my dishes on break rather than focusing full time on their study. They eventually found traces of skin cells and human gene extract in my products.

I can only imagine what went through their heads. I’m not as crazy as you think. When you think about it, the idea of delicacies is to indulge oneself by survival standards in the most comfortable way possible. If you need something in a dire situation (in my case sentimentally personal) then you have every right to try to hone it.

Before they officially took me to prison, I told them that my recipes could not be used without the human meat. They demanded the locations to avoid them getting into the wrong hands. I denied them the locations. I’d truthfully swallowed the bottle containing the recipes.

They also needed the recipes to put on record to sentence and condemn me. They needed evidence according to law. So I forced them to play my sick game. I had bottles with substitute recipes. I made the floor slippery with large amounts of canola oil. After spotting it, in frantic haste they ran to claim it. It was taped to the meat flattener/grinder. Of course the one in front slipped and his hand got caught in it. It began to suck him in. While being inserted into the machine, he managed to rip the taped recipe from the machine. The other FBI officer took it. He didn’t even bother to look at his partner as he became hamburger meat and flattened.

They threatened to torture me once more agents arrived. I was forced to tell them that I’d swallowed the actual recipes. They gave me the death penalty. Death by lethal injection. What a surprise. 2 months before my supposed death date, I requested one final meal. Myself. The authorities, not caring one way or the other, decided to grant my request, thanks to those who supported me 9-25 years ago. I’m scheduled for lethal injection in 2 days. Better get to work. Haven’t eaten in weeks. Have a good life. And as always, bon apetit.

~~

Police notes: Clearly mentally insane, the subject’s last request was granted. Surprisingly, agents Ross and Foster stuck around to see him bleed out. According to them, they were surprised as to how long he’d lasted prior to his self mutilation. According to them, a small incision was made to reach his internal organs without bleeding out completely. The managed to amputate and consume his limbs in a matter of days. The most surprising, yet most disturbing of all was the absence of his eyes along with the smile on his corpse.

–

[skywalkersapprentice]

so when I saw infinity war the second time, i brought a pen and a notebook with me and took notes in the dark the whole time. for my second endgame viewing yesterday, i did the same. i now present to you my Thoughts About Endgame. (this is. long.) 

Major Spoilers Ahead.

okay seriously, nobody called clint up when there was a giant invasion in wakanda??? nobody???

also it was daytime in wakanda when the snap happened. it’s also daytime wherever clint is in america when the snap happens. someone explain.

god the dawning panic when clint realizes his family is gone. that whole scene is so empty and unsettling, it was shot really well

i automatically associate 80s music with space thanks to marvel. 

tony stark adopting strays everywhere he goes since 2013.... i love this about him

nebula finally got to win something!!!! “it was fun.”

and then she gives him their final ration. i’m- :((((

back on earth..... thank god the beard is gone.

“I lost the kid” tony’s face wow that’s devastating, no thanks

“Is um...” what was tony going to say after that??

“I thought you were a build-a-bear.” “Maybe I am.” fuckign.... tony please sdfgdfg

“And I needed you.” tony :(((

“No trust. Liar.” this entire scene is just. chilling. heartbreaking. tony has nothing left for anyone, and especially nothing left for steve, except-

him ripping the metaphorical heart out of his chest and handing it to steve made me literally gasp the first time i watched this film. i feel like it hasn’t been talked about enough, but it’s incredibly poetic.

“where are you going?” “to kill thanos” i haven’t seen captain marvel but i’m already in love with carol danvers

and now they have hope, they still think they can bring everyone back... what a dangerous thing

suddenly steve is looking at his locket of peggy all the time.starting in this film only. can we let him grieve for his actual friends?? you know, the ones he just lost? does he even mention sam or bucky in the entire film?  alright russos, i have several bones to pick with you about this, but alright....

i gotta say, when i first watched this i was astounded that thanos destroyed the stones and then got beheaded in the first twenty minutes. it really left me wondering, well- what now? and that was exciting.

five years later. i mean, we knew there would be a time jump, but i wasn’t expecting this.

we’re really calling this cameo by russo representation huh

lol

and like??? steve brings up nobody he lost in the snap, instead chosing to focus on “the love of his life” that he met and lost in 1945. this struck me as odd the first time i watched and now i’m like. man they’re really trying 2 justify their later decision, huh

so they’re calling those who were snapped “The Vanished” according to the sanfran memorial

avengers r still a thing and their complex has actually grown in size?? who is funding this. is it tony

my next note just says HAIR SDFDSDFG aka heLLO carol danvers

nat :((((

crying and eating a sandwich is a mood

god. the quiet grief

natasha romanoff has come such a long way from her introduction in iron man 2. she cries freely, loves her family, actively wants to be a better person, even if a lot of her family isn’t around today. i just- love her so much.

“we both need to get a life.” “you first.” goddamnit

i.... love happy, peaceful, good dad Tony Stark, so much.

“define lunch or be disintegrated” morgan h stark is so cute

“you like going in the garage, huh? so does daddy.” tony was already so proud of her god i just :((((

me, zooming in on nat: ARROW NECKLACE

does she only wear that when she’s missing clint, or

I’m truly in my feelings about Tony being The Best Dad

Bruce apparently spent 18 months in a gamma lab, which is interesting.

god the scene with the kids asking for a selfie was so cringe are you telling me they could include this but steve couldn’t mourn for his friends

tony does dishes now. a true housedad.

that’s!!!! his first son!!!!!! :((((((

can you believe it was peter parker who pushed tony to invent time travel

“i’ve got something on my mind.” “is it juice pops?” i’m just thinking now about how howard most definitely would have sent tony straight to bed, but tony lets morgan stay up and eat juice pops with him. this is just. straight up great content.  

“I love you 3000″ can you just. his face when she says that. also i’m never getting over that phrase ever

“I can stop,” Tony says, on the brink of inventing time travel.

“But would you be able to rest?” says Pepper, who has been trying and failing to get him to stop for a good 15 years.

the parallels between this and her last words to tony. ouch.

this is such a good and steady relationship now :(.

sdfgfdfg why is steve dressing like he’s from the 40s again is this a visual sign of his regression

god they did thor so dirty in this film. not with his character- him falling into great depression and having ptsd is not a bad thing, but treating it like a joke is. the audience is invited to laugh at him. Bad.

thor threatening “noobmaster69″ over the headset for his rock friend is very funny though.

hey tokyo looks alright compared to a lot of america.

every single clintasha scene in this film kills the man.

also everyone knows thanos’s name. i assume that means the world knows why everyone disappeared.

“you’re only a genius on earth” yeah but who invented time travel, rocket

rhodey wanting to straight up murder baby thanos is hilarious

the explanations of time travel in this film give me a headache

“TIME HEIST BRAINSTORMING SESSION”

bruce, nat and tony all laying around throwing ideas back and forth.... this movie is valid sometimes

“see you in a minute,” natasha says, and she’s smiling.

this is her family you guys :(((((

NEW YORK 2012

MY FAVOURITE SCENE

omg bruce making such a halfhearted attempt at smashing things please i love

okay cut to 2013 Asgard, and Thor sneaks right by his currently dead brother without even looking at him. this movie confuses me

fuck the scene where rocket slaps thor for having a panic attack. i’m glad thor ended up abandoning him.

okay so everything important happens between 2012-2014

cap/tony/scott, clintasha, nebula/rhodey.... these are such ideal teamups

“we’re a long way from budapest” give me my clintasha movie, marvel!!!

okay back in 2012, HOW did JARVIS not register the fact that there were two steves and two tonys in Stark Tower

god this entire scene is fucking hilarious the entire mcu was worth everything for the 2012 time travel scene

fuckign.... loki

ELEVATOR SCENE

as a cap 2 stan i feel so validated

HA IL HYDRA

WHEN I SAY I GASPED IN DELIGHT

CAP VS CAP

“I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY”

“YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW”

sadfgfdfg are u really telling me that cap takes the peggy locket everywhere

BUCKY IS ALIVE

THAT IS AMERICAS ASS SDFGFSDF PLEASE

2012 avengers best avengers

meanwhile the sorcerer lady is giving bruce a time travel lesson and i didn’t understand any of it but basically each reality requires six stones in order to not be torn apart by the forces of darkness? ??

I’m just glad thor got some kind of closure by talking to his mom

side note you can definitely tell that frigga raised loki

“EAT A SALAD”

“i’m still worthy” asdfgfdf yeah but now this timeline thor has no hammer!!!

QUILL SDFGFDSDFGHFDS

this movie is so entertaining

i live for nebula and rhodey just judging everyone

so do the guardians just.... not happen in the 2014 timeline?

gamora is ready to Fight thanos when the maw threatens nebula

was that young alexander pierce headed underground in 1970?

bone 2 pick with this whole time travel thing

thor got closure by talking to his mom

tony got closure by talking to his dad

steve saw peggy working, successful and thriving, through a window. closure where????

he should have gotten a chance to talk to her and received closure that way.

hank pym is an asshole but i guess we already knew that

“my wife is expecting” so tony was born 1970/1971 ig

howard’s dad beat him with a belt. i suppose every stark does a little better parenting-wise

Jarvis!!!!!!! agent carter is canon!!!!

vormir oh god here we go

“under different circumstances, this would be totally awesome” i’m inclined to agree with clint

this part goddamit

handholding :((((

my next note just says “aveng ers 1 paralels fu k”

the way this was filmed was beautiful. the colours, the lighting, the acting, the dialogue, the parallels to the first clintasha fight in avengers 1..... if natasha had to die, this was.... a good death, i think.

“damn you!”

“it’s okay.”

clint is begging her this hurts so much :(((

god. tears.

clint just sobbing in the water with the soul stone in his hand hits some kind of way

where is natasha’s funeral, huh??? why does steve shed like one (1) tear?

also why does the gauntlet need to physically be snapped like what does that dO

i just realized that thor’s fake eye is amber.

Infinity Stones:

almost killed thanos after 2 uses

destroyed bruce’s arm

killed tony

imagine an alternate scene where all six original avengers survived until this point and all of them held one stone as they snapped thanos’s army out of existence. that would have been the ultimate fanservice and i would have astral projected. anyway we’re getting off topic

“don’t change anything from the last five years.” what tony means is “please don’t erase my daughter”.

SNAP

yay they did it except-

how did everyone survive thanos blowing up the avengers compound

2014 gamora sounds just- slightly different than 2018 gamora. a little harsher. the guardians haven’t yet softened her edges.

“we become sisters” and suddenly gamora has hope

i- did that lightning just braid thor’s hair sdfgdsdfgh

this is a harsher thanos. thanos who died in 2018 had been changed. weakened, maybe.

thor, cap and tony fought in avengers one. now, they’re fighting thanos together.

l just. love that clint has a sword now.

“he won’t let me” nebula.... :(((((( and she dies crying

i have a note here that says “thor’s lightning + tony = c o o l”

STEVE WITH MJOLNIR

ASDFGFSDF FUCK THIS WAS WORTH EVERYTHING MARVEL HAS EVER PUT ME THROUGH

LIGHTNING POWERS

i LIVE

oooh it’s personal for thanos now

ON

YOUR

LEFT

the portals scene fUCK

this is just. worth it. on every level.

PETER AND TONY

“this is nice” please :((((((

poor peter quill gets snapped, gamora’s loss fresh in his mind, then he thinks he’s gotten her back and she’s not the gamora he knew. ouch.

tell me why everyone but steve gets a reunion scene lol

peter introducing himself to everyone!!!! he’s so sweet.

CAPTAIN MARVEL HAS ARRIVED

i’m gay. oh my god.

hhhhgn hair

GIRLS

this is fanservice!!! as in, i am a fan and i feel fuckign SERVICED

thor duel welding mjolnir and stormbreaker is AWESOME.

strange holds up one finger. tony gives a look of heartbreaking acceptance.

god. tony stark, you brave, brave man. he knew he wasn’t going to survive this one.

“I am inevitable.”

“I. am. Iron Man.”

SNAP (2)

you lose, thanos.

but also, i lose, because oh god tony.

peter :(((

“Mr Stark!”

“Sir!!”

“Tony!!”

oh. fuck.

“you can rest now” do you SEE the parallels to the earlier conversation between tony and pepper :(((

the arc reactor going out physically broke me

i didn’t take many notes after this because i was literally sobbing lol

“I love you 3000″ stabs me again

“proof that tony stark has a heart” yes well my heart is breaking

happy :((( is morgan’s jarvis :(((((

Queen!!!! Valkyrie!!!

this dick measuring contest between Quill and Thor got old five hours of content ago.

:))))) rage time :))))))

bruce tried to bring back nat with the snap :(((

oh god bucky.

his face!!!!! his voice!!!! he’s trying to be strong and find but he looks dead inside

i just- fuck. he knew and he let steve go.

why did he show up on that bench i don’t understand

“I’m happy for you” are you telling me sam wasn’t the least bit hurt or mad

the ONLY good thing about this is Captain Sam

fuck steve tho

what year is this dance in

i mean. it’s sweet. but this is not steve.

I think i’ve talked enough about my dislike of the direction steve’s character went in in this film. that was the major point of dislike for me, but given that the council has made a stupid ass decision i’ve elected to ignore it. i understand that both tony and steve had to make their exist from the franchise here, but.... there were better ways to go about that. 

i think a few different relationships slipped through the cracks here- characters suddenly grieving people they haven’t seen in /years/ and completely ignoring others who only recently died was a big one for me. but other characters saw a lot of development- nebula was a favourite of mine in this film, which i was not expecting! she and rhodey made a really good team- i feel like they understand one another. 

the Original Six all saw a decent amount of screen time, which i appreciated. nobody got left behind there. there were so many references to other films that i know i didn’t catch them all, but it really made this movie seem like a love letter to the fans. 

i want to make it clear that i actually loved most of this film. i think it was a good send off for the avengers and i love a good time travel plot (like, it’s one of my all-time favourite tropes. i was vibrating with excitement in the theater during the 2012 scenes.) i went in expecting a lot of the emotion to be sidelined in favor of plot and action, and while that happened a little bit, i was overall pleasantly surprised with the amount of emotion that they fit into this film. characterization and emotion is perhaps even more important to me than a good plot, and this film got the emotion down.

 it’s definitely not a perfect film but it could have been so much worse, so i’m grateful that we got a good sendoff for the avengers.

7/10. 

[amnachil]

The College Society Chapter 2 Part 2

And the next part is here !

Liam Sunday December 3

"You're free handsome, you can leave."

These words were sweet to his hear. After several hours serving customer, Judy finally let him go. (Of course Liam was glad to be serving and not taking care of the dishes anymore, but he met an old lady really strange who tried to touch his ass and he got a little scared). (She tried twice at least).

"You did well by the way." continued his boss. "I mean you only forgot five orders... That's a day to remember !"

The young lad frowned. He did not. (Ok, maybe he did). His coworkers called him "the lost waiter" for a reason... By the way, he wasn't sure to be useful for business.

"There's someone waiting for you outside." she concluded. "See you next week."

Kinda curious, Liam changed and headed towards the door. Surprisingly, it was Nick. That's new. Usually, he's playing video games at this hour. The dark-haired lad was wearing a fluffy jacket and black jeans. When he saw his roommate, he smiled.

"Hey bud'."

"Hey." greeted Liam. "What's going on ?"

He knew something was odd. The geek never went out of their flat without a good reason. And he just smiled, which was unusual since Rebecca and him had argued. And he got this little twitch when he wanted something. (Liam felt proud of himself. He was a real spy when he decided to). (Or just a good friend, but whatever).

"Nothing in particular." answered Nick. "Let's walk for a bit, please ?"

"Uh, okay."

Then, they became silent. At start, Liam just watched his friend. But then, his eyes got caught by a weird trash can on the other side of the street. It looked broken. I wonder who did that... Maybe Nick ? (He then remembered what he did, like three months ago, and he just blushed). Anyway, they  arrived at their building, but Nick just continued straight ahead.

"I'm not in the mood to listen to Rebbie and her boyfriend fuck." he complained. "Come on, let's go to the fastfood at the corner. I'm hungry".

Liam was honestly sleepy (like almost every night). (Or maybe everytime ?). However, he had also zero willpower. (You could ask him to dance naked in the street, he would do it). (Thinking about it, maybe not).

"Dude, are you coming or not ?" asked his roommate. "Stop looking at the sky like this, it's freaky".

Once inside, Nick ordered two burgers and some fries, and they sat far away the other customer. For a short time, they remained silent again. Liam nearly fall asleep. (Once he started to close his eyes, he had a really hard time resisting).

"So what's the deal ?" asked suddenly Nick. "Between you and this girl ?"

"You mean Judy ?"

"Not your boss silly, Colton's girlfriend. I saw you watching her. I mean, normally you're not looking something or someone in particular, just... dreamin'. But each times she's around, it's different. Have you a crush on her ? Cuz Nate let me thought you weren't... interested in girl anymore ya know ?"

Liam's brain took in the information. He's talking about Barbara. Dude his friend was more observant than he believed. He's always playing with his gameboy, but he saw that... I wonder if everyone else know too. But the truth was... Liam just failed to talk with Barbara. He just chickened out and ran under his blanket each time he tried to approach her.

"I'm not in love with her." belied the young lad. "I just happen to know her from highschool... But can we not talk about it ? Like we're not talking about you running away from our appartment because there are zombies in it."

(It was Liam's conclusion. Nick would only left if he mistakenly summoned undead). (But the unicorns would save the day). His friend stared at him, stunned.

"Man, you're so weird. I honestly don't understand how you're functioning. Anyway, I was just a bit angry at myself for stuff... But now it's ok. Let me finish this and we can go back, I can tell you're dead on your feet."

Rebecca Monday December 4

All the weekend, she had sensed something bad would happen. She had thought it was about sport, and couldn't find what the hell she had been missing. But now, she remenbered. The fucking group project. It was due for today, and they didn't finish it. Rebecca woke up panicked. She barely noticed Emilio who was still sleeping, and got dressed hella fast. Then, she rushed her neighbor's flat. Please, be awake. It's in one fucking hour. Please be awake. She couldn't afford to have a bad grade. Rebecca knocked so hard on the door that she probably woke up the whole floor. But Liam and Nick weren't answering. Those bloody sleepy heads ! She rushed towards the closest library. Let's hope I can do something by myself. She tried to call Colton, but he didn't ansewer either. Damnit. Rebacca was almost there when she ran into Matthew.

"Hey girl !" he shouted. "Where are you heading so fast ?"

"I forget to finish a group paper. I'm sorry but I need to go."

"Oh come on, that's no big deal." he replied ironically. "Stop being so serious about everything. You're already a star athetle, why do you need to study in the first place ?"

She stopped for a sec and looked at him. What a dumb question. My parents want me to. It's for my future.

"C'mon girl." Matthew laughed. "I mean, wouldn't you be better if you only trained ? And you really could use some free time for yourself. You got a bad reputation in the campus to be honest."

"What ? Why ?"

"Well, you're trying to be the best runner, the best swimmer, the best student and all... It's kinda obvious people don't like it. Oh, and your boyfriend got a lot of women after him aswell. They hate you."

Rebecca didn't knew what to say. People hated her... because she tried to be perfect ? What the hell ? Maybe that's the reason why Nick is so raging lately... He simply was jealous of her success.

"Anyway, it's always nice to talk with you, but I should hurry." stated Matthew. "Chelsea's waiting for me at the coffee shop."

Rebecca nodded and watched him draw away. Weird. After everything he did, I thought he just hated me but... now he's nice. Maybe he's trying to make it up on his behavior.

The young girl tried her best on the group project. Sadly, it wasn't enough at all. She headed towards the class quite depressed. Matthew's words were still making her think. And she feared the bad grade incoming. When she entered in the room, she looked at Colton, Liam et Nick. The first one looked a bit stressed too.

"We are screwed guys." he admitted while she sat. "We didn't finish the paper. In fact, we barely did it at all."

"We had a paper ?" asked Liam.

They all looked at him. That guy will turn me crazy one day. Did he know they had exams coming soon ? How the hell he managed to go to college exactly ?

"In fact, you're worried for nothing." assured Nick. "Because while you were all doing god know what, the genius I am did the project. Alone."

He gave it to the teacher with a smile.

"Don't thank me fellows." he added. "I know Rebbie doesn't like to thank people who saved her ass anyway."

She opened her mouth, but nothing came to her mind. He had all the rights in the world to be mad. And she should say something, she knew that. But his provoking look enraged her. Damnit. The runner girl was too proud. She just ignored him. And felt hella bad about it.

Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey Wednesday December 6

The lad moaned. On the screen, the girl just pronounced his name in such a positive way. Bloody hell she had a sensual voice. With the remote, Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey rewound. Oh damn, that was so hot. Yeah, Amber, the chearleader captain, had a beautiful voice. He sped up the video until he saw Zack Jonhson. This one murmured his name. Hell. That's something. Zack had a special tone. Especially when he said "Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey". He just whispered each syllabe with so much passion. The Dean's grandson listened it again. And again. Eventually, he came with a satisfied grunt. That was so good. A bit awkward, but so good anyway.

"Hey Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey !" hailed Summer through the door of his appartment. "Are you in there dude ?"

Well, she didn't pronounced his name like in the video, this bitch. She was way more submissive in bed. The blond lad adjusted his boxers and closed his zipper. He didn't bothered put a shirt, and opened the door.

"What do you want ?"

Stupid cow. She had gained some weight since she had become the head of the student. Just, Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey had nothing against some chub. In fact, he could like it in some people. But this dummy ? She was uglier everytime he saw her.

"You asked me to tell you when the swimmers started their training." she reminded him. "Well they just started. And wow there are some cuties among them. Theo kept his card close to his chest."

She was definitely lusting after those guys. Such a pathetic predator. She was a collector, she couldn't handle the "break-up phase". And that was why she would be in troubles one day. But he didn't care, since he had already fucked her enough. He finally took a shirt, and headed towards the pool without even a glance for her.

When he arrived, he first heard Theo. That man had a strong voice. An unctuous one. He's a sneaky little bastard, but we had our greet time together. They ended it on a mutual agreement. Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey then remarked Laura. The loyal girlfriend. That was a lovely weird story, honestly. Laura was deeply in love with Theo, even if she knew what he was doing. They had a sort of agreement, because he helped her back in times. It's cute, he loves her and fuck chubbies in the same time.

"Uh... Sorry but I need to get to the pool please. I'm already late."

Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey turned over and stared at his prey. Oh god, I'm in luck. It might even be too easy. He had done some research, and knew the boy's name was Liam. He was from the middle of nowhere. He had achieved highschool with an A-, and was now studying economics. He wasn't a scholarship holder, and he lived in a flat outside the main campus with one roommate. I also noticed he's from the same town than this cute soccer player... Muller. I like that boy, he's gifted. Anyway, it was time to start the hunt. And this braindead freshman didn't move yet. He was just looking... What the hell is he lookin' at exactly ?!

"I'm Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey." the Dean's grandson introduced himself. "Nice to meet you."

The boy didn't answer. How come ? Is he that stupid ? Liam was tall, and ripped. Ripped as hell. Broad-shouldered, he had an impressive chest, and a blossoming six-pack. He was probably doing some cardio and muscle-development exercises as well as swimming. His face was kinda sexy. With chestnut hair, masculine feature, he had deep grey eyes, with a glint of blue. And his ass, that fucking ass made the hunter's cock hard in a second. But Liam seemed completely lost in his thoughts. I'm not being ignored by a little shitty swimmer. No way. Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey kicked the lad in the leg. Gently of course. The freshman landed on Earth.

"What ? Did you say something ?" he asked.

"I'm Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey." repeated patiently the hunter.

"Hello. I'm Liam Strucker. Nice to meet you."

There was something really, really odd about his tone. He sounds completely high, but he isn't. In fact, he didn't seem stupid either. I thought he was but...

"Can I go to the pool now ?" asked Liam. "I should be doing lenghts by now."

"Yeah, just go."

The hunt would be harder than the Dean's grandson expected. I think I understood why Theo failed to pick up this guy. It'll be fun.

To be continued

Some develpment without weight gain I know but we’ll come to it ! So Liam and Damian finally met ! Let’s see if the hunter will succeed to have our dreamy boy in his bed !

Nick is an important character for the story, even if he hasn’t his own pov. He’s a nice guy, doing all the work alone and all. But what’s in his mind ? Maybe it is related to the little belly he’s denying ? ;)

In a month or so, I’ll start to post another long story at the same time (probably every saturday). It’s called To the perfection and the main characters are Thomas Muller and Dan Vince. It’ll feature a lot of pining, kinky desires and weight gain.

[linhkcao]

The moment I realize I can move on

As someone who is not naturally articulate and thus take the comfort (sometimes misery) of holding back thoughts and emotions, I’ve forced myself to record this time, no matter how broken it may end up sounding. What a transitive moment I’m in now, a mental milestone. A deep, great sadness of realization as it may be, I know it’ll help me reach the next level of freedom and self-acceptance. After a chain of exhausting days, I’ve allowed myself to be “officially sick” today. I’m gonna slow down. Thinking about what I’m thinking. Before throwing myself back into the madness of life.

I’m a wallflower to the core. The one that always watch, but never get involved, they say. Or am I? There are many moments where I was absolutely expressive and cheerful, like I’m living the time of my life. And I share that positive vibe to everyone I interact with. But there is no expected pattern of how and when that more attractive version of me show up. Recent recall was a couple weeks ago when “she” came to the rescue at an interview and secured me a job offer, I walked out of the building with an impression of “what the heck just happened? Was that me?!”. The thrilled joy, though, is short-lived. As I quickly realize that the worse-in-nearly-all-aspects version now will have to figure out how to meet high expectations from both myself and other people, built by “her”. It’s like “BOOM!!! Surprise biatch~ just saved you clumsy nerd from an awkward situation, congratulations we made it and now YOU take care of the rest! buh byeee~” every time.

Among expectations built, many I’m still fighting for, and for some I realized it’s time to give up for good. And you guess right, the tone is set up for the latter. The record of yesterday events in sequence, though not and end-to-end story, is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Here it goes...

I woke up with an annoying headache from a shortage of sleep as usual, rushed to the Turtle lake and took the school bus to Binh Duong, the place I would only travel to when I have to. It was kinda my favorite moment of a day though. I would always end up at the most front seat on the the right. Settled down. Eyes half-closed. The squeezing feeling all over my head and in the back of my eyes starts to soften thanks to the blend of gentle air-con wind and early morning sunlight, a cleanliness of smell, and my chill love song playlist aka the sleeping therapy. It is opposed to travelling by bike or taxi, now I actually hope the distance was longer! Normally that could be enough extra energy charged for me to survive a normal day at school. But yesterday was no ordinary day. I had no lectures but instead a group project in which we were struggling with an unfamiliar software. I was in charge of running the software while the other two did the writings. Just the night before I felt like a loser and almost gave up, but as the next morning, sitting down with the team, we gradually figured out everything. I felt so relieved. Perhaps it was not difficult after all. Maybe I was just freaked out with something I’m not used to and assume it's unsolvable.

Midday time, accompanied by the brutal sun, is when my tension headache gets at its worse. I skipped lunch and walked some heavy steps to the first-aid office, only to find it was being locked. Right, the lady must've been having lunch. Lying down at the feather chair in front, I pretended to get absorbed into my Iphone like a normal youngster nowadays instead of staring into nowhere and letting out my fatigue like a depressed person. Crazy how I still cared about what other people think even when it felt like my body was about to give out! And there she came from afar, the first aid staff lady; I turned my head and gave her the “I was waiting for you” smile (most honest smile ever), and she returned the “You’ll be okay now kiddo” smile. The first aid office is where I often come to take a nap after a test, or anytime I’m about the “shut down”. I call it VGU 5 star hotel.

The nap didn’t go well as I hoped, still I had to get up for the mini concert rehearsal, and apparently there are other people like me who are waiting to get their battery charged too (there are only 2 beds). The rehearsal was smooth, was no stress, and eventually better than the actual performance (what a shock). But then came the freaking rain. I blamed it for my bad mood, for my guitarist’s bike’s breakdown. And as we was just starting to come back to Saigon, his bike even had a flat tire. This is it, I thought, can’t get any worse!

I appreciate that my friend was very patient handling the situation, he was searching for mobile repairers and called each one of them. So I was resolved not to show any impatience although I was burning inside, the unfinished project still awaits me at home and seriously I was so desperate for some real sleep so I could make it to class for the presentation. I told him that I’d wait on the pavement to relieve the weight so he could go fixe his bike then come back afterwards. 30 minutes passed by... It was dark and remote as hell, and the last open restaurant which I sat nearby may close very soon. I made up my mind that I couldn't take a taxi or grab bike alone with such a far distance at this time of the day, so my only hope was that the guitarist friend woud have no further trouble and come back pick me up soon. My bestie even asked for the location details, in case I get kidnapped she could know how to report to the police lmao. And my professor was very worrying; she asked why I didn’t just simply stay in the dorm overnight...

Then it strike me how much I wanted to go back to Saigon, nearly at all costs. Even just for another 4-hour sleep then going to Binh Duong again, even when it’s super late and rainy. Am I crazy? I didn't care about rationality. I just wanted to go back.

But the actual turning point goes back to the concert, held at BD Conference & Exhibition center. It was prepared with dedication, passion, hard work, and joy, by tons of members from 2 biggest clubs in VGU. I’m thankful to be a small link in the whole chain.

The vocal quality as well as songs selection this year was really amazing. I sang “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran with anh Nguyen, the guitarist mentioned above. And although the performance was far from being perfect, I heard from several friends that they enjoyed it “beautiful singing”, “u still lit”, “it made me happy”, they even recorded and sent me... And trust me, I’m only glad because I could make some of the audiences happy, it was the only consolation at the end of the day. I personally and honestly didn’t understand those compliments, nor did I feel anything about the song, about the fact that I was a part of this concert. I came onto the stage, the extreme light beamed at us and all I could see are black-colored audiences. I didn’t see their faces, I didn’t have a clue how they were feeling. Were they bored or satisfied? It’s not about what the answer is, it’s about me having absolutely no belief in my performance. It was all acting, no emotions. Why can I say so, because I know what is like to “have belief” while singing. it’s when you just sing your hearts out and don’t give a damn on how the audience look like because you know they’re feeling with you, you don’t need to make sure by checking their facial expression and guessing if they’re satisfied or not.

I always talk to myself, no matter what bad things happen during the day, if at the end of the day when I lie down and about to sleep, I feel good, then it means I’ve had a good day. It was the same expectation towards the concert. I was hoping it could be a happy, memorable ending to my 4 boring years at VGU.

I know for sure there are many students like me at VGU who don’t feel any connection to the school nor other people at the campus. I’m not alone. But instead of being cool about it like many could do (you just simple seek another environment where you fit in), I was freak out. I was longing for the sense of belonging to this university, after I made a tough choice to leave home, leaving a mess behind me and move forward, I was an excited fresh who wanted VGU to be a happy, inspiring part of my youth. At the same time, I was all by myself. My brother was at the time struggling with his own marriage. Vi Anh is in Hanoi and we only chatted once in a while. My is in Japan, for years we nearly had no contact and I thought at some point I must let her go... Doug and Nhi went to BYU and I thought I might lose them as well... Other close friends were also away. I was lonely, i was desperate, i was ashamed.

For the record, there was an only truly happy and long lasting moment relating to VGU. It was the trip to Binh Lap with anh Quan, anh Huy, and Thien Tam. If you guys ever come across this note, I wanna thank you. It was the best thing happened to me during my VGU years.

This fourth year has been mind-blowing to me. I skipped the first semester to stay in Saigon for a part time job. And in the second semester I travel between 2 places. And suddenly I’m not a wallflower here in Saigon. For the first time in so many years, I don’t just watch, I am actively involved. For the first time in many years, the better version I talked about in the beginning and I, become one. I plan out my life, learn new things by my choice, meet new people and, many of them I make great friends, we exchange information and experiences, we help each other growth professionally and as a person. And above all things, My has decided to come back to Vietnam, and I realized after all the lost years, we still get each other's back. We reunited the gang along with Vi Anh and it was full of laughter. Many other friends have also recontacted and so it happened that we still exist in each other's life.

I love Saigon, for that it has been sweet and healing to me. I feel a sense of belonging, of living not just surviving. I guess the only reason for me to insist not staying overnight in Binh Duong was that after so many troubles, the fact that I could be back to the city for just a few hours sleeping, makes me feel safe, like “I’m at home at last”.

Of course, I didn’t get over VGU or Binh Duong easily. I wept out like a little girl but knew it was a “letting go” kind of crying. You know when you wish so much that things would work out between you and that person, it takes a while for you to accept that you’re not meant to be and you can move on and still live happily. Last night was the end to all my unrealistic hope. I felt absolutely nothing. No fun, no connection with the people, the atmosphere there. As soon as I finished the performance, I sneaked out into a dark conference room, playing with my phone while waiting for my friend to drive me back to Saigon.

I’m happy for those young and fun people I saw yesterday who has found themselves there, congrats to you, you will be like a close friend of mine who left VGU and his friends with tears of farewell. It’s also nice for me to be assured that people like me could still build beautiful memories elsewhere and be happy. In the end, we’re the only negative force of ourselves, no one can force us to do things we don’t want to.

[livinlifeupsidedown-blog]

Welcome to my Head

I fought with myself for months over starting this blog, whether or not it was a good idea to do so, whether choosing this was the best way for me to represent myself. Creating an image for yourself, especially online, is daunting and often too much to keep up with. But in the end, I feel like if I am to do this, I am going to do it right, so here goes.

Hey there world, my name is Isabel, I’m 31 years old, I’m a wife and mother, and I’m an aspiring author. I currently attend Southern New Hampshire University online and am working towards my BA in Creative Writing. My end goal is to become a book editor for a publishing house and maybe one day, get my own book published.

I’m quirky and a bit of oddball, and I’m far too emotional and empathetic for my own good, but I’m really nice and I enjoy making others happy. I’m also an outgoing introvert, so I can be really social if need be but by the end of the day I want to curl up into a ball somewhere and be left alone.

That’s the pretty, lovely side of me. Now for the not so pretty or lovely part.

Hey there world, my name is Isabel, and I have bipolar disorder.

I remember being 10 years old and getting into some huge fight with my mother. About what, I have no idea. but I remember it was bad. I remember her asking what was wrong with me, why I was acting the way I was, and I replied with, “I don’t know, Mom! Maybe I’m bipolar or something!” She did what most parents would probably do and told me that I had no idea what I was talking about, that I was being over-dramatic.

I wasn’t. But I spent the next two decades telling myself that I was.

Flash forward to this year, 2018, where my whole life seemed to crumble beneath me before finally being diagnosed with bipolar 2.

It all started when things at work started to become harder and harder to deal with for my husband who struggles with c-ptsd. We work in the same place, same shift, so I’m his constant there, but his mental stability was just continuously deteriorating. I, the usually positive one, did my best to keep him together, but I was falling too and simply hadn’t realized. We had started taking St. John’s Wort to help with our depression and anxiety, and for a little while it seemed to really help, me more so than him but still, it gave us a reprieve. Nothing is perfect, however, and he inevitably blow up at our bosses, which led to a work evaluation and counseling session. But from that point on, with the help of the counselor, things were starting to look sorta okay.

It’s been years of us dealing with his mental health and lack of health insurance, so even speaking to someone who understood was beneficial for both of us. And for a while, it was okay.

Until the day it wasn’t.

Taking the St. John’s and speaking with the counselor with him had lifted me out of this fog I hadn’t realized I was in, and I started to notice little things about myself that didn’t feel right, didn’t feel at all okay.

One afternoon, I snapped at my daughter over something and immediately after, I started to cry, almost uncontrollably, and I couldn't understand why. Why had I snapped so harshly over such a small thing? Why did I feel so hallow when the day before I had been in such a good mood?

Maybe you're bipolar.

The little voice in my head said and there I was, feeling like I was 10 years old again.

Throughout my life I had moments where the thought occurred to me, where I wondered if just maybe I was, but I pushed it away, over and over again, reminding myself that I was being over-dramatic. Until the day I couldn’t anymore. So I went to the counselor again, only on my own this time, and it was like the world suddenly made sense.

Except, the world still doesn’t actually make sense but that’s beside the point.

The point is, that I now sit here writing this, diagnosed but not medicated, in hopes of accepting life for what it is by connecting with others who get it better than I do.

I’m still learning about my disorder, I’ve just barely begun my road to recovery, but I’m determined not to let it stop me from achieving my dreams. All my life I faltered and didn’t understand why. I failed to follow through on so many projects. I even quit writing for because my passion for life was just gone. It took me years to find that passion again, and it took longer for me to take that step that finally led me back to school.

Life has not been easy, not for me, not for my husband, nor for our 10 year daughter who struggles with depression and anxiety. But life is never easy, anything worth anything is with fighting for, and I refuse, I refuse to fight and not win.

Today marks the beginning of a new era! Let’s just... hope the ride’s not too bumpy.